#i am talking about it in the NPD way that people think turns you into an unremorseful gaslighting abuser

[spitblaze]

Casual ableist language is absolutely an issue worth addressing but maybe instead of focusing on people saying 'stupid' and 'idiot' we could look at how (non-psychotic) people throw around 'delulu' and then are shocked when people who have delusions talk about them, and people on YouTube and tiktok and really just in real life consistently using 'psychopath' and 'narcissist' as shorthand for 'evil person'

[npd-hottakes]

The entire methodology of diagnosing and treating NPD, down to the language they use to talk about us, is inherently backwards. Obviously it's ableist - that's not a very hot take - but it's downright counterproductive to treatment.

One of the most basic symptoms of all personality disorders is usually referred to as "distorted thinking", and they're applying this directly to a disorder which is inherently about being vulnerable to criticisms. They're calling the symptoms of a disorder about ego dysregulation shit like "interpersonal exploitation", "thinking they're unique", "pathological need for admiration."

Don't get me wrong, it's a problem with all psychology no matter the disorder to view symptoms as in comparison to the neurotypical. But this language just isn't fucking helpful

No narcissist is going to just agree that their thinking is distorted, because their OWN DIFFERENCES IN THNKING is going to deny and justify themselves.

I think a good alternative might be "maladaptive cognitions", because they're not DISTORTED and DISORDERED and WRONG and they NEED TO BE ELIMINATED, but rather, they're just unhealthy. You can't fucking tell me the cognitive schemas that I developed to survive years of abuse is "distorted." It's an adaptation to abuse and now it's harming me

Interpersonal exploitation should be called maladaptive and/or distressing social beliefs becaue NPD exploitation/manipulation is not a conscious thought process of "oh im goign to manipulate this guy" it's an accumulation of differences in cognition and needs that leads to us behaving in the ways we do. When i shit talk someone i'm not actively thinking hm i am going to EXPLOIT THIS PERSON i am going to INTERPERSONALLY EXPLOIT THEM i am thinking an accumulation of the ways i have learned to socially behave

Thinking they're unique shouldn't even be a seperate diagnostic criterion, it's just a different manifestation of the next point so it has no need to be treated like a seperate psychological phenomena

Pathological need for admiration should be called a maladaptive view of what reassurance looks like. First of all just fuck off calling a trauma response 'pathological', dear god. Secondly, i don't "need admiration", i need REASSURANCE for my fragile ego. I would need admiration if I had a giant ego, and I fucking don't! My view of what reassurance is is just so skewed by years of trauma and social outcasting that I need an extreme amount and/or expression of it for it to mean anything to me

"I love you" oh okay asshole fuck off, "I would die for you" now you're talking -- but notice that they're expressing the same thing deep down, that i am liked and worthy of existing in the world. If i had a neurotypical, non-traumatized view of what reassurance was I would be fine being able to hear 'i love you' and get the same thing out of it, but i don't. And that's not because i ""need to be admired"" dickface it's because i love you means nothing to me after hearing meaningless two-faced sweet nothings for my entire childhood while the same people turned around and abused me

FUCK! I HATE THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION! Thank you for coming to the ted talk

Don't know what to add to this, but yeah, I agree.

[nickeverdeen]

Unspoken Truths | Katniss Everdeen x NPD fem!reader

Pairings: Katniss Everdeen x fem!reader (either platonic or romantic), Peeta Mellark x Katniss Everdeen (platonic), Peeta Mellark x fem!reader (platonic)

Type: Angst, Hurt

Warnings: No comfort ending

Summary: After finding out about one secret your mind held you clash around with Katniss about it

NPD meaning: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is when someone thinks very highly of themselves and sometimes forgets to care about others’ feelings. Imagine if someone always wanted to be the center of attention, kind of like a peacock showing off its feathers, and they didn’t like when others got attention instead. People with NPD might have a hard time listening to others or sharing, but they still deserve kindness and understanding like everyone else.

——————————

Katniss returned from the woods with her bow slung over her shoulder, the familiar scent of pine and earth still clinging to her. The sun was low, casting a warm, golden light over District 12, and her footsteps were quiet as she made her way back to the small cabin she shared with you. Inside, the fire was already lit, crackling softly in the hearth.

You sat at the kitchen table, fiddling with the edge of a stack of papers—the results from your annual check-up. You never cared much for those appointments. They felt routine, predictable, and above all, unnecessary. You were healthy, you were fine. What more could a doctor tell you that you didn't already know? Besides, Katniss and Peeta only insisted on these things because of their own compulsive need to check every detail. You, on the other hand, had no time for such trivialities.

As Katniss walked in, you barely looked up. She tossed her bow in the corner and glanced at the papers on the table, curiosity piqued.

"What's this?" she asked, picking them up.

"Results from the check-up," you replied casually, leaning back in your chair. "Peeta’s idea, as always."

Katniss scanned through the papers, her brow furrowing as she flipped through the pages. Everything seemed standard until she hit the section that caught her eye. Under the mental health evaluation, a few words stood out in stark, clinical print: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

"Hey," she said, her tone more serious now, "did you know about this?"

You glanced at her with mild annoyance. "Know about what?"

"This," she said, turning the paper to face you. "It says you have NPD—Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

You blinked, confused at first, then scoffed. "That's ridiculous. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Doctors throw labels around all the time." You waved it off like it meant nothing. It was nothing.

Katniss didn’t respond at first. She just stood there, watching you with those sharp eyes of hers, silently piecing things together. You hated when she did that—like she could see straight through you, see the parts of yourself you worked so hard to keep in check.

"It doesn't mean anything," you added, growing irritated by her silence. "I know who I am, and I don't need some doctor’s report to tell me."

Katniss set the paper down, still not saying a word. That look on her face—the one that suggested she already knew something before you'd even said it—was starting to grate on your nerves.

"You think this is true?" you asked, your voice a little sharper now. "That I have... whatever they’re saying?"

She didn’t answer right away, but you could feel it, the tension growing in the air between you. Finally, she spoke, her voice quiet but firm. "Prim used to ask about it sometimes. Even Peeta thought maybe something was... different."

You froze, anger flaring inside you. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" you snapped, standing up from your chair. "You’ve all been talking about me behind my back?"

"It’s not like that," Katniss said, her voice steady but calm in the face of your outburst. "It’s just... sometimes, you don’t see how you act. How everything always has to be about you."

The words hit harder than you expected, like a punch to the gut. You could feel your temper rising, the familiar feeling of indignation creeping in.

"That’s not true," you argued, stepping closer to her. "I do more than enough for everyone. I’m always the one making decisions, solving problems. You need me, Katniss, whether you want to admit it or not."

She didn’t flinch, but there was a sadness in her eyes now. "I never said I didn’t need you," she murmured. "But this isn’t about what you do. It’s about how you never listen. How everything always comes back to you. And you don’t even realize it."

"I listen," you shot back, your voice louder now, defensive. "I listen more than anyone else. But I also get things done. What, you want me to apologize for that? For being good at handling things when no one else can?"

Katniss didn’t raise her voice. She didn’t need to. "You never take responsibility for the way you make people feel."

That stopped you for a moment, a flicker of doubt creeping in. But you quickly squashed it, unwilling to let her accusations stand. "I don’t make people feel anything. If someone’s upset, that’s their problem, not mine. I’m not responsible for everyone else’s emotions."

Katniss sighed, running a hand through her hair. "You just don’t get it, do you?"

"Get what?" you challenged. "That you’re trying to paint me as some sort of villain because I don’t bow to your every whim?"

"No," she said softly, her voice tired now. "That you’re not perfect. That sometimes, you hurt people without meaning to."

The argument dragged on for what felt like hours, voices rising and falling as you threw accusations at each other, neither of you willing to back down. You could feel yourself getting angrier, more defensive, but deep down, a part of you knew you were pushing her away.

Finally, Katniss had had enough. She turned on her heel, her jaw clenched, and stormed out of the house. The door slammed behind her, the sound echoing through the cabin.

You stood there for a moment, staring at the space where she had just been. Your heart pounded in your chest, anger and frustration coursing through you. But then, something else settled in—an emptiness, a hollow feeling you couldn’t shake.

Fine, if she wanted to leave, let her. You didn’t need anyone. You didn’t need her. You were better off on your own anyway. You had always been able to take care of yourself. Always.

With a final glance at the papers on the table, you made up your mind. You grabbed your coat, your bag, and slipped out of the house, leaving it all behind. No note, no explanation. Just silence.

Maybe she’d be better off without you, too.

[mr-payjay]

You want to talk about doomed payjay sooo badly. I went on a huge rant about it yesterday and im curious to see what you think about it (also thank you for causing the payjay nickel incident that killed me)

YOU BET I DO!!! also im glad my superchat affected so many payjay fans, i find the result of it quite amusing

my favourite kind of doomed payjay is when their mental illnesses intersect... it's also fun to exaggerate them. ive found a lot of people like delusionally jealous oj? whenever i bring it up people get excited. to clarify, it's. pretty much just yanderizing oj LOL! here's some of the issues that can occur with delusional jealousy (disclaimer: i don't believe oj would ever do these. this is just a way i like to explore his character and push his jealousy and possessiveness to extremes for fun! at the very most, oj would fantasize about this, but he'd try to push the thoughts of it away because he'd think it makes him a bad person.)

ive been wanting to draw some of this for funsiessss. make that man go crazy bonkers insane like im monika ddlc turning up The Yandere Dial on yuri

another thing that's fun to explore is paper's need for attention!! my friend is better at explaining and detecting paper's hpd than i am, but i still notice some symptoms and scenarios myself: paper making a big deal about getting possibly eliminated while sitting on the bench, paper dramatically telling oj to go on without him then getting upset when he Does That, paper socializing quite a bit and generally being pretty extroverted, etc. and that can be. fun to think about! mind you i think more about oj's npd and bpd but i, of course, love paper a lot too. my friend suggested this, but paper feeding into oj's obsession (paper is oj's fp to be clear, umm i can give proof if someone wants?) to get attention & fucking things up just so he has to fix it and help him and Observe him is fun to consider. there's also the fact paper is bullied and shunned pretty often both in ii1 (remember apple) and in the hotel (they canonically just. destroy things. and paper has to fix them), and he's often not given attention other than to be useful... which kinda explains paper's eagerness to help in canon! id say it started off with paper trying to help people a lot in ii1, then they got used to it and started to assume he'd help all the time in the hotel, which he just went with because it's The Only Time they give him attention. also is why he canonically likes to cook :) he loves the reception it gets!

i like divorced payjay, but i don't think it would happen realistically. they're together for life. it definitely gets hard sometimes (they're both Suffering in general) but they're never ever Ever going to give up on each other. and that's beautifullll ahh my little Worms

um. i just realized i rambled more about their respective mental illnesses than doomed payjay LOL welllll it causes problems in their relationship ok

if you want you can send me an ask rambling about doomed payjay... id love to see what you were ranting about yesterday!

[orange-orchard-system]

hey don't feel pressured to give any advice to this if it makes yall uncomfortable but I need a place to put this and I don't want to put it on our main blog because we're out as a system there.

I'm beginning to think my headmates might just be a delusion. I fully believe I'm a system and can't shake the belief that I am even though more and more evidence is coming up that I might not be. I've realised that any time I "switch" I consciously choose to act like a headmate, instead of it being an uncontrollable thing. I have no 'core' sense of self due to NPD which makes it really easy to pick up and drop different traits, but I'm never not *me*.

I do dissociate quite badly and have memory issues. and I might have mistaken my ability to act like different people for headmates. which might be why I think I have DID

I don't know. I'm scared of backlash if it turns out what I thought was a system was in fact a delusion. I've made several plural friends through here and I've contributed to the plural community and people have even come to me for plural related advice. will it all have been a lie?

also do yall know any psychotic systems that I might be able to talk to about this?

I don't know of any others, but we're a psychotic system and willing to listen!

This sounds like a delicate situation. I'm going to treat it as if you're questioning being a system, and aren't sure either way, and will provide suggestions to support either direction. I'll do my best to stay objective but gentle, but this response will discuss delusions, dissociation, the boundaries between them, and how those boundaries can blur, so be mindful of how you're feeling when reading. Got that?

(also, this response got, uh, long. More under the cut.)

You do bring up good points about how you may not be a system. The switching one in particular is unlike how most switches work, as most switches are uncontrolled to a degree, and don't involve a choice to start acting a certain way. And you wouldn't be the first to have some overlap with the plural community due to a personality disorder – just look at how BPD and DID often have parallels drawn in papers on diagnosing one or the other, or even just parallels noted within the communities!

However, what you're describing also sounds similar to median, OSDD-1a, and monoconscious systems, who also often feel like themselves no matter who they switch to. This can also affect how switching feels, which for these systems, can be more like putting on a hat than losing control of themselves and becoming someone different. Do median + OSDD-1A + monoconscious experiences perfectly explain this feeling of "I'm just acting like another headmate and not actually switching"? No, but I recommend you look into them to see if you do or don't feel like they explain why you don't feel like you fit the conventional mold of systems, which is often centered around multiple DID systems. This should give you better insight into whether it's a delusion or not.

You know, I often hear the opposite of what you've next described – people often say they mistook their DID for simply being able to act differently when they need/want to! But in all seriousness, I understand the concern. If it's the plurality part that's bothering you, why not take a closer look at your memory problems and dissociation? You may want to identify possible other sources for these things, and look into how others describe their own experiences with them. Don't take others' experiences as gospel you have to match – just use it as a reference for comparing and contrasting your own memory issues and dissociation. I mentioned OSDD-1A before, so I mainly recommend looking into those experiences, but be sure to branch out to outside CDDs and look into other disorders. Perhaps other personality and dissociative disorders would be a good place to start?

Moving on, I don't think everything you've done as part of the plural community would be a lie, even if it turns out to be a delusion. It sounds like you've helped out people with your advice, and enjoyed the friendships you've made, which sound like positive things overall. Even if you're wrong about being a system, you're not wrong about having added some good into the world through your kindness and helpfulness, and it's not like you were intentionally misleading and tricking people – your concern now shows that you don't want that! While there may be backlash, that kind of backlash tends to come from people who aren't so nice in general anyway, so I don't think you should give their words much weight. A conditional sort of acceptance based on never being wrong about a personal part of one's identity that's really tricky to identify? Who wants that? It's a ridiculous standard to hold anyone to.

At the end of the day, I think what matters most is if considering yourself plural helps you. Taking the idea that it's a delusion – is it harming you? Is it causing you to act in ways that are negatively affecting you? If so, it may be time to consider how to bring yourself out of it, or how to better manage it as a delusion. However, if it's a delusion that doesn't negatively affect you, or at least doesn't negatively affect you that much... is continuing to identify as plural truly such a bad thing?

I'm not suggesting you encourage a delusion, of course (especially in this context, where you're distressed over the possibility of it), but if the plural framework helps you, then using it as a way to manage this possible delusion doesn't seem like too bad of an idea, as long as you adapt the parts that aren't accurate, and are careful with how you use it. I've known people whose best way of managing delusions was going along with them, only combating them if they started hurting or negatively affecting them – just kinda keeping an eye on them like a new owner would a puppy, you know? People tend to think of any presence of delusion as a bad thing, but sometimes they're just a part of someone's life. Of course, if this doesn't fit your experience, you do not at all need to continue considering yourself plural after coming to the (hypothetical, possible) conclusion that you're experiencing a delusion. It's just worth considering, but if you do consider it, please go to others who discuss their delusions like this or in similar ways to this, as our delusions are only ever negative and we do not and can not speak on how this works, only that we know of others who have made it work. Also, this post may help give more context on why I suggest this approach.

On another topic, the thing with dissociation is that it's very related to things like delusions and hallucinations. Internal communication is called auditory hallucinations. The way people describe derealization can match up nearly identically to people with delusions of the world not being real. So finding out whether someone is a system or experiencing a delusion of being a system... is not something that can be done easily (and certainly not over an ask on Tumblr. As much as I'd like to give you an answer either way, the best I can do is offer what I know about related experiences I've seen and had, which I hope I've done to the best of my ability). But my point is that a third option to consider is that you may be standing at the intersection of plurality and psychosis. It's happened before – hell, one of our own delusions functions similarly enough to the rest of our plurality that we've had difficulty establishing whether it was a delusion of identity or just another headmate (which is another reason why we suggest using a plural framework to manage this possible delusion – it may help you make sense of whatever's going on in your head via comparison, even if it's not a perfect descriptor, the way that comparing our delusion to a headmate helped us understand it better). So maybe the answer is "both" or "more so this thing but also partly that" or "it's this but really similar to that" for you, too.

Whatever the answer is, I hope you're able to find it. Good luck, anon!!

[pageofheartdj]

Honestly I think part of the problem with the whole narcissistic abuse thing is that npd was named after the trait of narcissism rather than being given it's own word.

Like before autism was autism, autistic, etc a word with it's own loaded definition? Was borderline a word with it's own definition? All the other personality disorders (other than schizoid personality disorder I guess) are either loosely based on other words or given new words as their name.

Other than narcissistic personality disorder. Theres the tale of narcisa (however you spell it) and what happens because of her narcissism. Narcissism is a trait given to bad guys in movies and books long before narcissistic personality disorder became known.

So like part of the problem is that narcissism already had a definition and then narcissistic personality disorder came in and "took" it to mean another thing. Narcissistic abuse refers to the first definition of narcissism before it was a diagnosable personality disorder, but that doesnt make it any less harmful to people who are diagnosed.

Since it's so entrenched in the cultural zeitgeist honestly I think the easiest way to get rid of some of the stereotypes and bad view would be just to rename narcissistic personality disorder. That would get rid of most of the issues and help make the people diagnosed without not jump to all the things they've seen or heard where people talk badly about narcissism.

Idk those are my thoughts.

What is weird is that whatever legend I am googling is always sad and unfair? The only person Narcissus hurts is himself.

In one version his twin sister dies so he goes to see his reflection and he grieves and eventually dies. That's super sad. The other more common? one is just when this one dude loved his relfection too much that he never left and eventually? turned into a flower? And the other one is when he was so pretty, everyone loved him but he never loved anyone back(hi aromantics). And for that Aphrodita decided to punish him and made him fall in love with his own reflection. And the guy didn't want to, but couldn't leave and couldn't eat or drink, and so he died. Like, in all these versions he is either hurting himself or was hurt for just minding his own business(unless there is some version where he was shitty to everyone? but greek myths are often just cruel and unfair).

I don't know, think people should know better than that and understand that a disorder has nothing to do with narcissism. But it is convenient to them, they have this enemy they can openly hate and mistreat and be praised for it.

Also I don't think changing the name will help much. 'Psychopath' is still used to negatively describe people who have antisocial personality disorder traits(being named psychopathy in the past, which also is its own word?)

[bringcal]

what is your hot take on neurodiversity

what does this even MEAN!!! x3

Y'know what most of the asks I've gotten are jokes so im taking this and spinning it in a way that probably had nothing to do with what you actually meant by this

I just think a lot of people on here have unchecked biases against mentally ill people.

I'm focusing a lot on the 'weird factor' when I am talking about this, because I feel like it goes so much deeper.. when I say 'weird factor' I am talking about people who's behaviors make you feel 'weirded out' or 'uncomfortable' even though they're not actually doing something truely 'wrong', Mentally ill people who don't fit your box of a 'good mentally ill person', thus you treat them differently.

It's like there is a silent but rampant thought process where to be a 'proper' or 'good' mentally ill person, you have to pretend you are not suffering, your neuroticism cannot negatively effect your friendships or other people in any way, and it has to fit in a box of stereotypical understanding of specific disorders.

People hate the 'weird' on here and I truly believe that sometimes it's because they dislike mentally ill people they don't understand or refuse to understand, So they target and wait any second for anything they can concretely hate them for.

I'm talking about people with low empathy, people who are asocial, people who act in risky ways, or other behaviors and traits that are disliked by most people or are associated with more stigmatized mental illnesses.

It's not something I do often now, but if you followed me for a very long time you know a lot of my old art tackles traits I've struggled with that have to do w mental illness, as well as just general dark topics that had to do with trauma and effects of it thereafter. I've come to notice people hate that shit so bad. It's fine if you're not a fan of these things in art, but its a whole other thing when you target and harass someone just because they make you 'uncomfortable' and you can't understand why.

my art was for the mentally ill people and abuse victims who related but a lot of people who couldn't relate just saw it as 'weird' and i truely believe weird = bad mentally ill person to them and they just don't realize it. That is my take. You don't even have to explicitly say you are mentally ill to be seen as mentally ill, you'll just be labelled 'weird' instead and people will try to do anything to get an actually legit reason to justify them thinking youre weird. weird = bad to them.

But it's the same once people do have labels to work with; I've stopped posting about having NPD because people cannot be normal about it. I've learned I make everyone uncomfortable the second I let people know, and even if people reassure that they don't see you as a bad person, they are always expecting it because you make them slightly uncomfortable. I swear the second I make any mistake people turn around INSTANTLY with " I knew it, you're just a typical narcissist ! " and show that they do actually believe npd = bad and npd people always have the upper hand as if they're some kind of kingpin bogeyman who are ticking timebombs. If i make a mistake and they don't know I have npd? I get met with a regular ass response you'd give to anyone else like reconciliation and/or further discussion about it.

I also get like, tons of hate for having DID, I delete any weird anons or hate anons I get but a lot of them are about the fact I have this dissociative disorder.

and Listen, I'm not saying you're not allowed to dislike people, you cant ignore people who make you feel weird (in fact this is much better than harassment for no true reason) or if people weird you out its an inherently bad thing, but I am saying ... is the person weird or are they actually just mentally ill and you're picking up on it and hating it, and are you trying to harass them just because they're 'weird' and weird = bad to you?

This was really shittily written out, but yeah hopefully it makes some kind of sense to someone :'3

[lore-gore]

Some extra notes for my ride the cyclone roleplay, mainly about certain words that I would prefer not to be used. While I headcanon the choir to have died in 2016, it is important that we make this a safe space for all.

- Things like cr*pple, esk*mo, m*dg*t, and gy*sy are slurs and should NOT be used. It's seems many do not know this, so just in case. Handic*pped and sp*z should probably also be avoided. And of course the r-slur. I didn't mention it before, but apparently people are starting to use it again, so I'm here to remind you DO NOT USE IT. Considering most if not all of us are gay, I'd say you can say the regular gay slurs granted in a comedic way. But if you are uncomfortable with that, please speak up and I will ask for those those words to be avoided too.

- Please do not use narcissist/narcissistic/narcissism as an insult. It perpetuates the stigma around people with NPD. Here are some replacement words: egomaniac, egotistical, egocentric, self centered, self absorbed, self serving, self righteous, self obsessed, selfish, vain, arrogant, uncaring, inconsiderate, manipulative, gaslighter, prideful, haughty, holier-then-thou, pompous, snob, snobbish, snooty, condescending, conceited, lofty, stuck-up, smug, mean, uppity, uppish, cocky, big headed, high and mighty, full of themselves, above themselves, etc.

- Also do not use psychotic, delusional, delusion, bipolar, schizophrenic, or schizophrenia, unless you are talking about the disorders. And don't use hallucination/hallucinating/hallucinate or paranoia/paranoid as hyperboles. Use them correctly and appropriately. Just in general don't misuse disorder terms.

- And do not use the words psych0, schiz0, psychopath, or sociopath.

If there are any other words you are uncomfortable with being used, please let me know! And while it's important to listen to disabled people, it's also important to remember that fighting ableism is more than a list of words. These are simply words I've heard people whom those words apply to say to avoid, and even then they may disagree. So personally I just exclude words that are linked directly to the disorders. And again, these are just words I'd prefer for you not to use. I know this is a lot to remember, and I don't want you to stress out about it. Ultimately it is your choice whether or not to exclude those words, I am just encouraging you to do so.

Additionally, before reblogging as your character, state in the comments you are doing so. We want everyone to have a turn to speak.

Also I think during the roleplay we should DM the others before we start a new thread, just to make sure nobody has any schedule conflicts that day. (Or is like, sleeping because time differences.) I'm going to be working some days, so there will be certain times I will be unable to do it. I am, for some reason, unable to DM @savannahwiththegreeneteyes, so after you become mutuals make sure to check if you can DM them, and if not, you can probably send them an ask.

Also if you know ANYONE who would want to take the role of Constance, please let me know!

And DM me if you have any questions!!!

@krowsselfindulgy @max--jagerman @democracyrockzz

[nothingnessofthemind]

Where do I go from here?

This post grew beyond my original intention. Once I started writing I felt the need to share more details. I have been isolating for quite some time and bottling everything inside for too long so this is the written form of oversharing. Basically the last paragraph is where I am in life and what questions I have. I don't expect anyone to read the entire post but if you do, thank you. If you are in a hurry feel free to skip to the last paragraph.

I've spent a lifetime trying to fix the things in me that I have been told needed fixing. As a young kid I was also taught that I should never cry especially if it's just my feelings that are hurt and I need to quit being sad all the time because I had a great life.

Somehow I managed to survive to adulthood. There were a few times in my teen years where I seriously considered ending my life. Why not? I never gets better. I never get better. By age 17 I was drinking as much as I could get ahold of and doing any drugs available. I made the mistake of confiding in my mother when I knew I needed help or I would be dead soon. She shamed me for being so selfish to even think like that. What would people think of her and dad if I did something like that?

At age 18 I moved into my own place and 2 months later married the mother of the child I had at age 17. It wasn't easy but I was determined to be better than my parents. I had responsibilities now so no time or money for drugs and only splurged on alcohol for special events. It didn't take long to find out that the love of my life was a pretty version of both my parents. She knew every flaw I had and made certain to point them out often.

Back then i didn't know what a narcissist was or codependence or trauma bonding or emotional abuse. I wanted death more than ever but by now I had two kids and I couldn't put them though that so I turned to god and prayed everyday to either fix me or let me die. My marriage lasted 18 years but was over by the second year. I couldn't change enough to make her happy. Her rules constantly changed making sure I knew I was never good enough. To survive I had to learn to stuff my feelings deep and never let them surface. I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me as I had 2 parents and a lovely wife taking care of that.

My ex has never been diagnosed with NPD but if I had to guess I'd say she should be. Her favorite thing to do was act like all is well until I'd go to bed and as soon as I would fall asleep wake me up and start a fight. This would go on most of the night and always on a work night making for a rough day at work. I soon learned that getting angry or emotional and arguing my point energized her. I knew I could never win the fight and the longer I tried the longer it lasted. An hour or two of sleep before work wasn't working for me so I needed to end these talks quicker. It wasn't easy but if I just sat there showing no emotion and not saying a single word she would give up in a few hours. 4 or 5 hours of sleep was better then 1. The outcome was exactly the same either way.

That must have been horrible for her. She needed her supply and I kept it locked up and refused to show any sign of emotion. No anger, now frustration. No defending myself in any way. Just letting her go on and on about whatever she thought would get to me.

Our marriage ended about 18 years ago. I was so broken and so tired and I just didn't feel like fighting for anything. She hired an expensive lawyer with a reputation for getting women everything their husbands had to give. I hired a lawyer that was wiling and able to do battle with her lawyer but I said all I want is every weekend and every other holiday with the kids and a week or two every summer to go camping. I said I'd also like my guns, tools, cloths and truck. I said she can have the house but also get's the mortgage. I said I would take all the bank loans, credit cards and medical bills. She could have hired a cheap lawyer and done just as well. I never brought the infidelity into the battle since I didn't fight for anything. I had a stack of letters and an STD that she picked up from one of the others that I didn't use against her in court. I didn't want the stuff. I can always by more stuff. What I can't replace is the life, the time, the hopes and dreams.

I didn't know it at the time but once the marriage ended I should have been in therapy. I was in the same place as I was as a kid. Broken and in need of fixing things but not the things I was told my problems were. I need to fix the damage that was done to me all along. There were some incredibly fun years after the divorce. My plan for moving on was to show the world that I am not what I was told I was my whole life. By world I mean my ex. Too bad the fun years were fueled by alcohol and a codependent need to for approval from everyone around me. Turns out I am a people pleaser as well and will go out of my way to help someone out if they need help. Most people appreciate it but some take advantage of the situation don't care that I will sacrifice my needs and continue giving.

So now I ask, where do I go from here? Who am I really? I've been told by others and know much of what I have done in life has been based off their expectations rather than my choice. I am struggling with finding a therapist and making an appointment. I know fear is holding me back. I know it is going to hurt. I know it's going to be a lot of work. I also know that drugs and alcohol can be very helpful in faking it. I know many people who use the addiction to feel and appear to be normal. I know that once I do start therapy I will lye to the therapist about some things at first. I fear if I am honest about the alcohol and drug use in the beginning, the addictions will become the focus and the cause of the addictions will not be resolved. My sister has gone to alcohol treatment many times and it has never stuck. She has not had many sober days since about age 14. I don't know to the extent other drugs were involved but alcohol is her go to crutch. She would rather believe the narrative we were fed as kids. Maybe that's were I would be too if I hadn't had such a horrible experience with my marriage. As bad as my marriage was I didn't use alcohol and drugs while the kids were involved. Even now, they don't know that I use anything other than weed. As for any other stuff, I use enough to function and maintain the appearance of normal. I an currently not drinking mainly because it wasn't helping me function. The way I see it, the addiction is a symptom of something that was done to me. Fix what was broken and the symptoms eventually go away. I could be wrong and am just a druggie trying to justify using. My goal is to stop using someday but today is not that day.

[star-anise]

Hey, thanks for speaking up. I apologize for the way I wrote about this, all slapdash and sloppy. I agree with your points! My phrasing was not trying to demonize personality disorders, although I realize it came out sounding that way. I think that, in broad strokes, we agree. I burned out of work as a therapist a couple years ago, and have gotten slightly rusty when it comes to communicating my ideas to a broader audience.

The overriding idea I was trying to express, and regret that I did not get across clearly enough, is that NPD and BPD are not 1) entirely bad, even at their worst, 2) resistant to change, or 3) permanent lifelong conditions that can never get better.

When I called BPD an "immutable curse", I was not representing my own assessment of it. It's not immutable, nor a curse. Unfortunately, back when I first studied Abnormal Psychology, that was essentially the way my professor described it. The view of people with BPD as "impossible" and "nightmare clients" was a very widespread attitude many therapists would discuss openly, without receiving any significant pushback from their peers.

They were wrong. As it turns out, that was a skill issue on their part. It was therapists with BPD themselves who worked to establish treatments that could reliably and predictably help to take people whose lives were in constant crisis to a place where they were confidently able to face life's ups and downs and get the kinds of belonging and acceptance they wanted.

The biggest miscommunication here was when I talked about NPD and BPD as things that could be "fully treatable", in the sense that you could have BPD, go to therapy, and then not have BPD anymore. That is a massive oversimplification. You're right that treatment can't entirely wipe the damage of early childhood trauma away and completely re-structure someone's personality, so that things like self-worth and intimacy just aren't difficult for them anymore.

It's more about the disorder going into remission, where the most problematic and damaging parts have backed off and stopped significantly impairing someone's happiness and functioning. It can always relapse, and the underlying issues that made it a risk in the first place might still be there, but it can stop being particularly relevant all the time.

I think that it makes perfect sense to use diagnoses as a nexus for community, self-advocacy, and identity. To be able to say, "Hi, yes, I'm the person you'd stick with that label, question your assumptions." I think that so long as that continues to serve you and the community of people like you, that's a really good idea. I don't want to come across as saying the way you relate to those labels is wrong, because for you, it isn't.

My approach to diagnostic labels is honestly based on extreme skepticism of them. Like yes, neurodivergence and different psychological conditions exist, no doubt; but I am really not persuaded that the mental health field is anywhere near able to accurately classify and describe them. We simply don't have enough knowledge to do it, and are like the field of biology back when it said there were mammals and not-mammals, and was about to get its whole mind blown by the existence of the platypus. What we call "depression" is probably twenty separate disorders stacked together under a big trenchcoat, the way "headache" can refer to a hangover, a migraine, a concussion, or a brain tumor.

In sum: I'm sorry. I will do my best to speak more carefully and mindfully about these issues. Thank you for being willing to speak up and advocate for yourself and your community. I think you're right and I agree with you on so many points. I hope that I can be a better ally and/or less bad obstacle in the future.

Currently getting my socks clean blown off by Rethinking Narcissism, by Dr. Craig Malkin. Which I found, in a roundabout way, from this video on Midsommar, grief, and narcissism.

Tonight I woke up from a nap and accidentally took my morning meds, so I'm going to be up for a few hours because of the meth. In place of sleep, I'll try to roughly sum up some basic ideas proposed by the research the book is based on:

That traits of "narcissism" like entitlement, grandiosity, and feeling special are not inherently toxic. There are times and places they are appropriate and beneficial. If you show up at a hospital with a gunshot wound to the chest, you should not sit and wait to be seen after people with earaches and coughs. (Actually, medical systems are designed to prioritize people with more urgent needs, and you qualify under that system. You are special and are deserving of different treatment than those others, which is why making your needs known, even insisting on it if you're not listened to appropriately the first time, is an extremely good idea. It keeps you from bleeding to death on the floor, and keeps the hospital from getting its pants sued off by your heirs.)

It is more useful to view "narcissism" not as an inherent immutable personality trait, but as a cluster of coping mechanisms. As previously stated, there are times they are exactly the right coping mechanism for the job. However, people we call "narcissists" tend to cling to these ones even when they become detrimental to themselves and others, often because they lack other ways of regulating their emotions and getting their needs met. And that is something they can change, if a person is willing to put in sincere and difficult work. It is not usually fast change; it's a matter of years, not weeks. But a skillbuilding approach turned Borderline Personality Disorder from an immutable curse to a fully treatable (though not quickly treatable) condition, and there's a lot of hope that it can do the same for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Meanwhile, there's an opposite end to the narcissism spectrum, and it is also pathological and destructive to hang out there all the time. It's an aversion, or even a resistance, to expecting yourself or other people to treat your own feelings, thoughts, ideas, needs, or preferences as important. For Greek mythology reasons, its proposed name is Echoism.

Unfortunately, because most of the damage echoism does is, by its very nature, localized to its sufferer and their own personal relationships, its downsides aren't often talked about. In fact, it's often seen as an ideal moral state, a kind of altruism or saintliness everyone should strive for. As a pathological coping mechanism a person is trapped in, though, it's often more a fear-based reflex than a conscious and deliberate attempt to achieve some real and specific good. It's not actually as beneficial as being able to recognize your needs, desires, positive aspects, and areas of competence or excellence, and bring them forward in your relationships with other people and yourself.

To me this has all been a cross between a gut-punch and a cool, sweet drink of water. There have been other ways to describe echoism over the years, but this feels like the most concise and useful one I've seen in ages.

It specifically puts its pin down in the middle of the moral debate a lot of people struggle with—"What right do I have to put myself forward? What hope do I have of being seen and accepted? Isn't it better not to burden anybody else?"—and says that the problem is not feeling in touch with either side of the equation, but specifically, the inability to move from one part of the spectrum to another when it's merited by circumstances.

When I was a child, I thought Echoism was the answer. It was my ideal. I thought it was what would get me the love and acceptance I wanted, and would keep me safe from the pain of rejection or not being understood. I had no idea it would actually, in fact, be the primary cause of alienation and loneliness for the rest of my life.

Now I'm so deeply thankful I couldn't fully achieve it, in practical terms. As hard as I tried to erase myself, there were always things I loved too much to suppress. I still found ways to express and discover myself in the books I read, the stories I wrote, the intellectual work of school and the experience of pursuing hobbies I loved, my ambitions to be helpful even when they demanded I stop being selfless, and the relationships where I felt safe enough to experience love and acceptance even if I didn't think I deserved them.

There's this question I found a while back that echoed in my bones: Who am I allowed to be around you? Because that's what I felt like, as a child. If I wanted to engage with other people and minimize my risk of harm, it was my job to bend into a pretzel and fit the shape they wanted. And thank god, thank god, thank god, I couldn't fully do it. Despite everything, there were parts of me too strong and bright to lop off completely to get my arms and legs inside the carriage. I was able to take care of myself and let them grow in secret until I found social places I could let them out again. Despite myself, I found ways to grow and thrive, well beyond the trauma that said I shouldn't have.

[doyoulike-whatyousee]

I’m back again. For who knows how long.

I’ve been thinking. 19 years of my life that I’ve been abused. Doesn’t it make sense I would be toxic, hurtful, manipulative, passive aggressive. Doesn’t it make sense that I am narcissist and sociopathic. Doesn’t it make sense that for my whole life I’ve not had one kind person and so I am not a kind person. People say that abuse victims should be docile, from the abuse. They should be scared, very sad. Why not angry? Why would I not have learned how to survive? Why would I not be strong and angry and rude? Do i not deserve to be rude, when all I’ve ever had is rudeness? Parents, partners, friends, teachers, where is the kindness I was supposed to get from them? And why am I expected to uphold that kindness immediately with no proof you aren’t going to do the same? Why wouldn’t I start our relationship based on lies, manipulation, things to keep me safe, when you could be just like the others. Not one kind person in my life. Ofc theres been kind people AROUND, like someone holding the door open. But those people can also be just as mean. All of my abusers have held doors open. Why should I trust you with no proof? Why would I automatically be kind and truthful when at any second you may turn and bite me. Why would it not make sense that for me, you earn trust and kindness, not have it automatically. I’ll be kind at the beginning, when we aren’t friends, when we are strangers. I’ll hold the door, say please and thank you, but I’m not going to tell you my secrets. I won’t reveal what makes me happy or sad. I won’t say my hobbies. I will avoid it all, for my safety. It’s not like my lying and manipulation is that bad, i don’t harm anyone. I don’t tell anyone lies that would get them actually hurt, just lies about my feelings, lies about what I am up to, what I am reading. Once you make it past a little, i start to have what I call stage 1 trust. This is when I don’t trust you, but I act like i do, I’ll treat you like i trust you, but I don’t. I act how someone does when they trust someone, but I’m always prepared to dip, to start lying again, i remind myself that you cannot actually be trusted yet. I’ll dip a little into how I feel, maybe tell you my actual hobbies and what I’m actually up to. Stage two trust? No one has ever gotten there. And that makes sense. Why would anyone who treats me like shit get there? Why would someone who’s stops talking to me get there?

Maybe it’s stupid, I’m the reason I have no friends, because I won’t let people in and I won’t stop myself from lying and manipulating in ways I know will keep me safe from people I have no idea the capabilities of. I don’t see a reason to fix that; and maybe that is shitty. Maybe everyone hates that, but I don’t really care. I am safe like This, no one can harm me anyone like this. Why would I change this? All my bad traits, my disorder symptoms, they are here to help me, not harm me. My thoughts are not crazy. I don’t need to use CBT, the shit i am anxious over is real. The reason I have ASPD, NPD, AVPD, OCPD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, dermatillomania, the reason I’m mean and untrusting are all real. Every thing I fear, the reason I manipulate, lie, hide things, don’t trust, has happened and continues to happen. Why would I change that? So that I can attempt to trust people and be kind to people who a few months later will be tearing me down, using things against me, or abusing me? No. I think not.

I’m tired of therapy. It doesn’t work. Because my reasons are real, they keep happening and proving themselves. I don’t need therapy, i need someone to be fucking kind to me for more then a few months. Maybe I’d stop having so many damn issues if people weren’t fucking abusive assholes who hate everyone. Why can we not all just get along? Why can we not all just love? We do we all have to be dicks? And why am I the one who has to fix the disorders keeping me alive? Without them, i wouldn’t be resilient enough to stay alive. If they all disappeared right now, i would crumble. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Sure I can exist without some, like CPTSD, but without the dermatillomania I would just self harm in worse ways, without the anxiety I would probably yell at the people treating me like shit and get beat the fuck up, without the ASPD i would feel my emotions so strongly it would probably destroy me. Without the NPD my self esteem would constantly be low without any highs, and those highs are the only time I respect myself, i care for myself, the only time I plan my escape from abusers. Why would I keep trying to get rid of the things keeping me alive?

Do i sometimes treat people like shit? Yeah. Do they deserve it? Almost always.

[television-pil0t]

I don’t know if this could possibility make since but.. I wish I loved my mom.

She was my mother. She did everything for me. I wish I loved her. I wish I could’ve been better. I wish I didn’t turn out the way I did. I wish I could say it wasn’t her fault and a lot of it was but at the same time.. idk. I don’t wanna blame my mommy. She did the best she could and god I wish I could hug her. I wish could just say it’s ok. I wish I could’ve cared more. I wish I didn’t wanna hurt her so bad all the time. I wish I could be normal for her. For everyone in my life that I was close to of course I feel.. something. Not guilt.. not sadness.. im not heavy but I’m not happy about it either. It’s like.. I feel nothing but my brain is trying so hard to get me to feel something? I wish I cared for my friends more. I wish I didn’t give everyone such a blank stare. I wish my voice wasn’t so monotone. I wish I could’ve said I loved her and meant it. I wish everything was better. I wish I died and not her. Everyday I think about it. Not because I’m suicidal or anything. I just am aware I’m not a good person. I’m really really not. I understand I hurt people completely unintentionally. Even when I try to do the right thing it always ends up coming up short. I knew Daemon for years. From 4th to 8th grade. We were best friends and I’d do anything for him and still I wonder was it just a obsession. He has NPD he didn’t give me that much attention. Was it because he was a guy that I valued him so much? What about with khye. Why do I think about him so often? Why can I just drop some people and have others stick in my head for what feels like ever. What was the difference. What did they give that others didn’t.

Sometimes I forget about my own mom. I forget she existed.. I forget about daemon. About Simon. About Zakaya.. they were the most important thing in my life and.. more than anything someone I wanted to protect.. without feeling anything for them besides a urgency to be with them. I guess it’s BPD and ASPD but.. I feel.. idk.

I remember one night in 7th grade I couldn’t stop cutting myself. I was just alone in my room. My blue,pink and green room and someone opened the door because my door wasn’t allowed to be locked and it was him. He was standing there and he just looked at me. He didn’t cry. He didn’t say anything he just took the razor away and held me. It felt like hours went by where I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t shaking. I was just there. Being held. Bleeding feeling the blood drop down my arm and then eventually feeling it dry. We got up and he cleaned me up and left. Minimal words were spoken. “Are you ok.” “Yeah.” “You still wanna keep going?” “..no.” “Are you lying.” “No.” “Ok…” I remember it all. He left and the next day started like nothing even happened. He was back to his silly ass self. So was I even tho I know the thought was in the back of both of our minds.

I never felt like daemon pitted me. I felt like he did what he felt like he should do. Just like me. The older I grow the more I realized I was like him a lot. Which.. sucks. I don’t think he ever cared about me to much.. I think he was bothered by me but I was there. I don’t know how he saw me but.. I don’t blame him. I’m not made. He gave me memory and he grew up with me and I can’t be mad at that since he showed me he cared about me.

I guess I did the same to my mom just.. less. I remember snapping at her a lot. We would get into fights and I’d do things just to hurt her so often. Yet when she was crying I felt like I should help her.. sometimes. Yet I would also wish I wasn’t around her. I would want to leave. I’d want her to shut up when she’s talking yet at the same time I could listen to her talk all day. We threatened each other often. She slapped me before. She would hurt me so badly emotionally I think I wanted to hurt her too.

Zakaya was probably one of my first EP. Thinking about everything I feel like checking myself into a mental hospital really bad. I know there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is though. Maybe I’m just not “in touch with my emotions.” But.. idk. I wanna be. I don’t wanna take dolma aspects of every person I meet and mold them into me. I feel so.. not real.

Maybe the stress of going to have to be a real person soon is getting to me or maybe it’s genuinely just that bad and I never had the chance to just sit here and be alone. I always avoids my thoughts. I always have. I hate thinking. It feels like there’s so damn much. To much. It feels crowded and then I feel like im just saying nonsense so I never tell this to anyone. I never talk to anyone about it. I don’t think there will ever be a cure so I don’t wanna go to a specialist but I wanna know what they think but.. I don’t wanna be told there’s so much wrong with me. I hate this. I feel so weird right now. Physically. I feel everything. I feel ichy. I feel uncomfortable. I feel so self aware it’s killing me. It’s so uncomfortable. Mentally I feel detached but locked into my body. Like im trying so hard to back out if this but im not. I can’t. This is why I hate thinking so much. To much to realize.

I miss my mom everyday. I miss everything about her. I miss khye. I miss daemon. I miss Yvonne. And Mikey. And mante.. I miss my old group of people. I miss Simon. At the same time I don’t. God it’s so fucking confusing. I feel SOMETHING when I think of these people. I know I did what I did for a reason but maybe im thinking into it to much. Maybe it was just a life goes on moment. A “you have someone prepare you for the person your about to meet next” thing. But I don’t like that. I wanna be loved and wanted but I hate it. I wanna be worshiped but I hate it. I wanna talk to all of them but I hate doing it. I hate all of them but I want them.

[mr-magoriums-im-sorry-emporium]

I'M THROWING MY HAT IN THE RING BROTHER!!! because i used to think like this! and still do to a lesser degree, but um... well, it happened to me!

back in 2018 i posted a fic for the BNHA fandom. it was a bakudeku fic, which was and still is THE most popular pairing. and dudes.... when i say it was an INSTANT HIT.... it was an instant hit. i got fanart on chapter 1. i got fanart after that. i got comments so long that the commentor had to split them in half. i saw servers explode with excitement whenever i updated- i didnt even have to post the links myself! someone else always did it within the first few minutes!! i've had people say it's better than published stuff theyve read. hell, it helped someone grieve the death of their best friend. i NAMEDROPPED IT AT A CON AND THE PERSON I WAS TALKING TO RECOGNIZED IT!!

it was a Big Deal!

and oh god it sucked so hard

you never really think about what having all those eyes on you means... UNTIL it happens. every chapter i was sick to nausea worrying that it would be Too Dark for everyone and theyd leave (it was DDLC-esque in that it started cute but very quickly turned into a bona fide psychological horror.) i stopped updating bc i wanted to introduce a new character and i thought everyone would hate him. people misinterperted my work in the comments and it made me SO UPSET

like... if you're desperate for fame, once you get it, you're gonna wanna do everything to keep it. and it gets unhealthy VERY fast. like... i-

i have narcisisstic personality disorder. and something a lot of people dont know about NPD is, i have no internal sense of self worth. it is Not There. i have to get it from purely external sources... which is WHY i wanted to be famous. lots of people complimenting me and my work = lots of self esteem = happy!! except then i became desperate to do ANYTHING to cling onto it and it quickly became horrible

it happened on a MUCH smaller scale in amother fandom too- i spent three years hyping my project up. my goddamn fic's preproduction period predated covid-19 (i started early september 2019.) and i dropped it and people were actually really excited! i wasnt nearly as big as the bnha days, or even big for the fandom this was (invader zim if yall r curious.) but it was a much more enjoyable experience even if i had only a few diehards as opposed to hundreds... bc at the end of the day, i wrote what i wanted to write and it felt good that people liked it. PLUS id gotten diagnosed with the npd and got a bit of therapy done about it

like... im not saying you also have npd. i literally do not know you. i AM saying however, that desire for fandom fame is ruling you. and if you achieve it while it still has you in a chokehold, you won't even be able to enjoy your newfound popularity. like the sword of damocles

also yeah make ur updates consistent. thats the fastest way to get in da big leagues and its what i did both times

my biggest obstacle as a writer is that i desperately want to be a popular and well-known fic author, but my main fic inspiration comes from characters most fans don’t want to read fic for, or ideas that go against popular fanon/characterization and so are doomed from the start. i end up feeling paralyzed and like i can’t write the unpopular ideas I want to write, because i hate knowing i could have done better by writing something with broader appeal. but whenever i try to write solely for numbers i lose motivation while the halfway through the fic. so i end up unable to write anything and feeling miserable because of it.

i want to see my unpopular ideas come to life, but i don’t want to see my fics crash and burn and keep missing the chance to create fic that people really love. so most times, i don’t write anything, but i hate that i’m so hamstrung by my own anxieties. i so desperately wish i could create one of those extremely well-known long fics that most people love and always rec everywhere, but i feel like i’m completely incapable of that. i know i should be writing for myself, but i’m greedy and want results and for people to like my fic, however unlikely that is. wanting to write my ideas but knowing i’ll limit my audience if i do is something that’s constantly on my mind. do you have any advice for me?

My biggest question after reading your ask is simply: why?

You're very clear about wanting to be a popular writer. You want to write a fic that lots of people talk about, and you want people to know who you are. Have you examined that desire at all?

You say that the things you actually want to write are not the things that will make you a popular author. That means you have a choice:

write things you don't care about with no guarantee of becoming that Big Name Fan or

write things you love and enjoy spending time writing and know that BNF status will probably never happen.

Writing fanfic is really not a great way to try to become popular. It's an even worse way to try to become "famous" in any kind of way. So dig into what it is that you hope to get from the "broader audience" that you could appeal to by writing something you don't really like.

Are you trying to get a feeling of being liked? Respected? Looked up to? Do you want to be someone other fans look to for advice or for setting the tone of the fandom? Do you want love? Power? Some kind of community connection? Recognition of the effort you put into your works?

Some of those things likely will require you to pretend to be someone you're not. You might even manage to write that one big fic that gets thousands of comments and tons of people talking about it on tumblr (or wherever else you care about, social media-wise).

Others you can probably still get by writing your "unpopular" ideas but seeking out your fellow fans. It will take more legwork to find them and you'll need to be willing to be the first one to reach out for a conversation, but it can definitely be done.

I'll leave it up to you to decide what you actually want, anon. But take your time and scrape off the top layer of shiny thoughts about popularity first. Then you'll be able to see what's underneath.

[bondsmagii]

the last anon about "psychopaths" is correct and reminded me of another thing: how everyone views people with Cluster B Personality Disorders (antisocial personality disorder(ASPD aka "sociopathy"), borderline personality disorder(BPD), histrionic personality disorder(HPD), and narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) like dogshit.

I have BPD (and some other shit that amplifies it), went through some godawful phases, and have been in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy(RODBT) but it can't prepare me for a hyper-specific instance where I don't know what to do, nothing ever can. When I google search something in regards to managing my BPD, I get shit like "every person with BPD will always drain you and do not befriend someone with BPD they will always manipulate you they're a yandere oooh aaah scary noooo" and I am so fucking tired. I know my disorder makes me a fucking awful person at times and I know, deep down, I am not an awful person but "people with BPD tend to see themselves as the victim" so I think I actually am an awful person in denial. That is not to say that I am immune to consequences or because I can't control it. I can control myself and everyone can. I am always responsible for my actions and any repercussions that follow.

But there's support for BPD. I know there's also support for HPD and even NPD, but ASPD is not much. one of my cluster Bitches in crime has ASPD, and every time I see someone throw the word "sociopath" around like it's the communal piss pot I get angry. I'm "hyper-empathetic/sympathetic" and hyper-emotional as a whole and I get angry because "that isn't even fucking true you incompetent troglodyte."

TLDR: dawg we just trynna fuckin live here, it isn't our fault we turned out this way. We're more than our disorder/diagnosis

(this is in reference to this ask, not the most recent, as I am a disgrace when it comes to answering asks in a timely manner.)

this is something that has long, long pissed me off. I mean I have been bitching about this for years, and I still get so mad about it. did you know that the subreddit for BPD bans people with BPD from subscribing or posting? it's literally just full of people bitching about their BPD partners/friends/family members and talking about how horrible and awful and irredeemable people with BPD are, and the language is very much like they believe these people are choosing to be that way. I don't deny that BPD can and does make people act in terrible ways, but the way I've seen people talk about it makes me think they see no difference between this and people without BPD who just choose to be abusive. fair enough if someone uses BPD as an excuse to never change, but everyone I have met with BPD has been very aware of it and working very hard to manage their symptoms. the fact that they can't even Google resources to help them without seeing absolutely disgraceful articles talking about them as though they're pet dogs to be trained is abhorrent. (I have literally seen articles talking about "how to deal with/manage your borderline" -- what absolutely disgusting language to use about human beings. this is a personality disorder, not a dog breed.)

honestly, all Cluster B disorders get an atrocious amount of shit. it's like I've always said: people are so full of support and love to talk the talk until somebody with a mental illness or a personality disorder acts "scary" or "bad," and then nobody's interested. it's the same bullshit behind everyone yelling about making mentally ill people "look bad" if you acknowledge that somebody who committed a crime was mentally ill. look at what happens if you point out that sane people don't commit mass shootings, lmao. people just cannot deal with the moral nuance of accepting that mentally ill people, or people with personality disorders, may be abusive or may be criminals, but they still deserve support. maybe if people didn't have such unexamined prejudices against criminals, they might not struggle with this so much -- but again, criminals deserve support and human rights until they commit a "really bad" crime like murder or rape, and then apparently they're monsters and animals and deserve to die. it's hypocrisy, baby. people do not like feeling uncomfortable and they don't like looking as though they "support" bad things -- and so you end up with bullshit like this. respecting the human rights of dangerously mentally ill people, or people with "scary" personality disorders, apparently means condoning bad behaviour. it's the most smooth-brained shit.

tl;dr if people stopped using their morality to make themselves look good and instead based it on principales that would make a better world for everyone, we probably wouldn't have this problem.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[fierceawakening]

I keep thinking about that “I don’t have NPD, I actually can do things normal humans can’t” guy and it’s giving me all kids of Forbidden Thoughts, like… what if the people who say they have these illnesses on tumblr are not just lying, but maybe just too high functioning to recognize that other people may really have things worse?

Like, I keep remembering the way he’d talk about his abilities (that he knew enough about the law and about conspiracies that if the UN did not immediately intervene to give him custody of his son, he would put into motion a series of events that would result in repealing human rights globally.)

And it must have been obvious from the look on my face that I thought this was a delusion or that I thought “holy shit, what a cruel thing to have delusions about” because every time I tried not to react he’d lean over, grinning, and go “haha, am I scaring you?”

Like. I pitied him, sure, that he had such a hard time with losing custody that he had to invent a fantasy world over it. But the way he relished frightening me, and literally for real detecting that I was afraid. I’ll never forget that as long as I live.

And yet, this guy, who thought he could make the world pay supervillain style for taking something that was his (I kept asking “where does your son want to stay? How do you know?“ and all the answers were, like, “not with the bitch, he’s mine.” The kid was a possession more than a person it seemed)… had come to me for disability peer support because he couldn’t focus to type. So he’d wanted me to type out his threatening letter to the UN, as he dictated.

I don’t know. I feel like there’s a lot of good in the way tumblr talks about minimizing stigma but i don’t think people really understand just how crazy crazy can get, and just how hard it is for ANYONE to know how the fuck to respond to it.

I eventually asked another peer mentor for help who I knew was getting his MSW and who had a mental illness history of his own.

All I remember is the way he turned to me afterward white as a sheet and said, “I think that man is legitimately dangerous,” and how guilty I felt for not giving enough warning when I said I thought so too.