#i am so sick of shit rolling downhill to me

[gydima]

Searching for a new job because my manager is micromanaging me out of my mind. I want one of those fabled cushy white collar government jobs with great benefits where you don't have to do much actual work. Wish me luck!

[sadie-bug345]

greasers when they’re sick

i myself have been deathly ill for the past week so whilst i am bedridden i’m writing this🤡🙆‍♀️🤩 ANYWAYS LETS GO

ponyboy:

hates missing school solely cause my guy despises talking to teachers abt what he missed

also cause he thinks he gets super behind when guy just skipped one day of school😭

probably holes himself up in his and sodas room and when soda comes in to check on him after work it’s like PITCH black and pony is just sitting in a pile of tissues

”what do YOU want?” says pony with a voice similar to kermit the frog cause bros nose is SO stuffed up

and soda just assumes pony is in one of his moody, poetry reciting moods again and slowly exits the room, leaving only a baloney sandwich in his wake💀🤡😭

johnny:

def the type to not accept help

like he would go to school sick and the second someone brings up how his voice is screwed up he’s like 😐”what’re you sayin bout me?”

if the gang does quarantine him to a room he’d def just be able to entertain himself and prob come up with his own secret language and fictional multiverse or smth

idk he just gives the type to be fully okay with being alone for a bit but the meds he’s on make him all wacky too so it’s an interesting mix for sure

sodapop:

i’m sorry this guy has the most nastiest cough 😭

idc if he doesn’t smoke a lot he just got those mucusy coughs

other than that everyone’s having a good time, making jokes and feeling good and then soda pauses his laughter and unleashes the most rattley cough and then everyone just goes quiet and he just looks like 😃

definitely unfazed by sickness in general

until one day my guy just has the worst time and breaks downnnn🥰

we’ve all been there too esp when you’re sick and shit just goes downhill and everything sucks and you hate everything and everyone

darry:

now johnny doesn’t accept help but that’s NOTHING compared to darry

he has peak older-sibling syndrome and is just used to only helping other people

so when those people that he takes care of flip the script, my guy is just weirded outtt

like he def appreciates two trying to make him soup but he just doesn’t know how to react

goes lowk crazy with not being able to work or straighten up the house just cause he always feels like he’s gotta do SOMETHING productive with his time

dally:

i’m sorry but guy is def the type to go to school FULLY sick and either not say a word about it or complain like a lil bitch the whole time

also he totally smokes while he has a cough like soda which is so unhealthy i can’t even😭

just overall his habits and life doesn’t get upended by “some fuckass cold” (his words, not mine)

like bro please you just gotta rest sometimes😭

the gang is able to get him to stay at the curtis’ couch one day and bro just WIPES OUT

istg he’s out for like 15 hours straight in the full daytime and everyone is scared to walk past in case they wake him up

but dally is a crazy heavy sleeper so he actually gets a lot better after calming down for once🥰

two-bit:

honestly stays home from school like a normal person

except bro gets one cold and then just doesn’t show up to school for like two weeks😭

and it’s not cause he’s a wimp it’s just cause guy finds an excuse to skip out for a so called “vacation” and he rolls with it

and then he’ll just spawn back in on campus like a month later like nothing happened and everyone just expected two to take a dare too far and end up in the hospital🤡

steve:

CANT STOP WONT STOP

bro just pushes thru the pain😭

he probably takes way too much of the recommended dose of general meds (don’t do this please🧍‍♀️)

and then goes all loopy for hours straight

and people are kinda sus about it but honestly it’s steve so who is really all that surprised

LMAO THAT SOUNDS MEAN SORRY STEVE

ANYWAYSSSS i think imma post a romantic kinda sick reader x greaser thing so that’ll hopefully come out soon while im still coughing my lungs out🫶

[misterellyott]

In June I started working overnights at a small, but beautiful resort.

It has 22 rooms and is outside the city surrounded by a vineyard owned by the same person who owns the resort.

On the outside looking in and even in pictures, it's absolutely beautiful. It's got a large man made lake, for the vineyard, it's got a decent sized yard with plenty of grass, a heated swimming pool, and a stunning view of the surroundings.

However, working here hasn't always been the most fun someone could have working for a hotel.

We are constantly short staffed, mostly due to our upper management letting go of the hotel manager and not making any active steps to hire a new one. And not really taking any steps to hire for understaffed positions, housekeeping and cooks.

At first the overnight position was amazing. It's super simple, easy to get the hang of. And with some of my free time at night I have expanded and taken on some tasks that weren't my responsibly.

However, now due to them being short staffed in housekeeping they are trying to shadily slowly but surely pass off a lot of their tasks to me.

Such as, taking out all trashes in the kitchen and bathrooms, keeping the bathrooms stocked with toilet paper/paper towels/hand soap, sweep the bathrooms, make sure the bar is clean, and to sometimes do dishes in the kitchen.

While I very much believe in being a team player, i.e. helping when other coworkers are sick, or seeing something I could easily do real quick to make one less task for the next shift, etc.

I am not about to take on a housekeeping roll without extra pay. The amount of tasks they are slowly piling on me will begin to eat away at all my time I have for my other tasks that I have to do at night in order to make sure the day shift runs smoothly.

Sure, I still have a few down time moments, but most my night is constant motion. I sit for maybe a combined hour at most.

If they don't want to pay me more, than they either need to move some of my tasks, like polishing the silverware and rolling them into napkins, setting up the coffee bar, putting ice in the bar, making the coffee/hot water, watering the flowers, folding the pool towels and putting them out, putting the dirty pool towels in the laundry room, etc, on to other shifts.

I'm not a one man show. Sure, I could cut out some of my time by not walking out to the bungalows and use the golf cart instead, but I enjoy the time walking in the night in the cool weather instead of being cooped up in the hot as hell buildings.

But, the fact remains. More work requires more pay. I'm happy to help out in as many ways as I can that don't take me over 15-20 minutes, but I'm not about to take on tasks that could add well over 2 hours of work a night and still be expected to make the same paycheck.

That being said, I have begun looking for a different overnight job in the event that my boss tries to fire me for not taking on these addition tasks due to his unwillingness to ensure that they have enough housekeeping to do them.

I absolutely hate job hunting, it's mentally exhausting. I've been here three months and really thought that this place was going to be a wonderful job that I could stay long term as they have really good health insurance as well.

But the whole place is slowly going downhill every day.

From serving hand made scones and muffins, which were amazing, to the premade just pop in the oven kind that taste like shit.

To dishwashers that can't even properly sort and get the silverware ready for me to polish at night so I have to waste a ton of time sorting them into their proper containers in order to even begin polishing and folding them.

To lazy coworkers that refuse to pick up after guests leaving me spending a good chunk of time collecting all the used plates and glasses and doing their dishes, when they had more than three hours to have done so.

To other coworkers complaining that my polishing job isn't good enough and I need to do better before folding them, even though I take my time and polish every single one sometimes taking over two hours to do.

And now them trying to pawn off housekeeping jobs onto the night shift.

I don't know where to go from here other than find another job.

I don't have time to sit down and speak with my boss when he is here about everything as he gets here long after I'm already home and in bed before going to my day job.

Now, to find the time for interviews. yay.

[muffindaddystyles]

KISMETS.

Harry Styles x fem!reader.

Slow burn, platonic love and jealousy clićhes.

Fluff! Fluff! Fluff!

Frenemies and dad!harry.

Author's Note: The concept's kinda weird but if you've watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Phoebe Buffay carrying child for someone. You've got it my pal!

MASTERLIST LETS TALK! PART 2 PART 3 PART 4

"Can ya stop breathing like, THAT!?" She whisper yells twisting to give him a sharp glare full of spleen elbow poking at his side abs, "Like what!?" He half squeaks peering down at her with doe eyes palms flat at sides to convey his surprise.

"Like a train engine whistling -- it's annoying." She mutters rolling her eyes and turning back to listen to instructor.

"Now, I can't even breath without ye' comin' fo' me throat?" He grits with a kink of brows and when she confirms with a no --- He gasps dramatically. It's gonna be a long journey of Hell for them. Harry hates her hormones. Little bitches.

Or

Y/N is carrying a baby for Harry and his girlfriend ---  but something went downhill.

//

Twinkling droplets of crystal rain pelts against the bricked road subsiding harsh noises of surrounding but a nettled groan caught everyone's attention ‐‐‐ stares turning in direction. Have you ever wanted to just disappear under a warm invisible cloak and enjoy the drollery aspects of life without worrying? Because this is what Y/N wants at the moment as she stands under the bus stop shelter with few people beside her and the british showers starts pouring mocking at her for not carrying an umbrella with her.

Everyone leaves when the bus didn't arrive — who remains behind's Y/N huffing and pouting wishing for rain to stop. When it didn't she muttered a 'fuck it' before risking catching a cold and stepping under the pitter patter with her books atop her head for less damage.

Trying to punch in the passcode of society's gate with shivery fingers perhaps it opens before that startling her wet-y self. Similar car drives near her and a head pops in from inside with his big goofy smile and crinkles by his charming eyes, "Ni!" She exclaims pushing away the drippy hair sticking to her lips with her pinky.

"Pet you're gonna catch a cold. Want me to drop ya?" Niall kinda yells over the rain's loudness. She sighs fog whirling infront of her. Shoves her hand in her trench coat's pocket to seek for heat instead it's all icky and drenching.

"No it's just a tiny walk away. I'll manage — call me will tell ya how my class went." She waves him looking at him from her shoulder while rushing away towards the most elegant house in the block. Niall gives her a thumbs up from before getting out of sight and she tries to hop over the puddles of water to make it to doorsteps.

The water she brings from outside pooling at the dark timber floor - it trails behind her past the pink door as she rushes jumpy-ly where the most hot's in the house and apparently it's more than she expected, "ouch. ouch my eyes!!" She screams covering them at the sight of Harry butt naked pinning his girlfriend against the wall near fire place. Her face turning into a tomato at the horrendous raid but she seems pissed and well . . displeased that Y/N ruined a mind boggling orgasm for her.

Before, they could disattach from eachother to unravel their humiliation Y/N jogged up to attic into the guest room slamming her forehead against the door to knock away the embarrassment. She always barges in Harry's house without announcing but sometimes she forgets he isn't alone everytime his girlfriend comes to live by every two weeks (it's his fault too that he never locks the main door as anytime anyone's coming at his place). Changes into clothes she forgets at her visits, tries to dry her hair with a towel that no-more smells like Harry but expensive fabric softeners and has a pep talk for a minute to show herself down infront of them.

Instinctive voices coming from the Kitchen and she pads towards it. They act like nothing happened. Like Harry wasn't dick deep into Chessie moments ago. Harry ushers her to barstool and hands her a cuppa tea moving on with a kiss to her head. It still gives her butterflies even though how many sense awakening scoldings she gave to herself at 3 ams.

"'M sorry." She squeaks with a wavering smile wrapping her palms around the mug. Harry cackles softly brushing the underbelly of his nose as Chessie cordinated the cutlery drawer, "'s okay moppet. we finished our business when ye' left." Y/N almost choked on her hot beverage gulping it down when Chessie shocked gasp throwing little socksies that were laying ontop of the counter at Harry. Are those of toddler? Adam's out of town so there's no way it could be his daughter's socks. Maybe Chessies's one of friend's?

"Should've called me t' pick y'up. Niall was loafin' around too —- wear it you're turnin' blue, pet." He comes back with a swarmy chunky knitted sweater Anne gifted him at his birthday handing it to Y/N and sitting opposite of her pulling Chessie with her wrist into his lap clearing his throat to bring Y/N's attention back from eyeing the socks on the floor. Her eyes flicker between them chest tightening at the love and glow that radiates from Harry when he looks at her.

No. She's not jealous. Mightyyyy bit yeah –- cause she could never be this lucky to have someone as Harry. He's the most caring towards her since ten years been her compass to the home she wanted, her anchor saving her from sinking and the sixth sense of a blind to her. In fact she thinks he's her soulmate and not every soulmates needs to be romantically involved some could watch them growing beautiful in love. Y/N's doing it. Admiring the maturity of his life with the person that truly makes him enough---or she thinks so.

"How was ye'r meditation class?" Harry asks (she took a semester off as she was unable to haul the burden'; Harry convinced her how her health should be her first priority) breaking a cookie in two giving half of it to Chessie who thanks him with a kiss in return, "Was good been feelin' great!" She chirps pulling the sleeves of the sweater that's drenched in cinnamon vanilla-y smell with lingers of what comes of as Chessie's scent. She assumes they cuddled shit loads.

To subside the gnaw in her brain down she finally asks the question pointing at the sock that nobody gave a heed to pick up, they stop chewing looking at eachother to come up with something. Chessie's face distressed knowing Harry wouldn't hide it from Y/N. He tells her everything and sometimes it could be too personal to share.

"Erm. . I bought 'em — 'cos. . " Harry stammers and Y/N smacks her hand atop her mouth avoiding from giving a shocked reaction, "Oh my goodness ye' guys are pregnant!?" It was enough to make Chessie flinch and hike down Harry's lap.

"No! 'S not what ye'r thinkin'." He shakes his head making Y/N confused. "Then you bought it fo' your fingers? Cause that's the only body part it could fit." She teases him to break through the insight tension around and he chuckles shaking his head grabbing Chessie's hand rubbing her knuckles how he used to when Y/N's anxious and over the edge.

"We want to have a family." His words low as he looks at Chessie but she shrugs in return as 'in it is what it is'. Y/N stomach twisted at that. The thought that one day He's gonna have a family of his own and the little bubble that Y/N would be privy to made her throat dry. Because she has no-one despite Harry and he deserves the whole world not just baby keeping Y/N everytime.

"So . .? What's the problem?" She raises her brows looking between them noticing Harry's fingers fiddle with the flower tea mats, "There are complications from Chessie's side." Chessie sighs in disappointment and Y/N ponders over the idea, clocks working and spindling wildly in her mind.

"I could do that for you guys — since I took a semester off --–" She puts the offer nervously and both of their jaws went slack Harry with an adoring grin while Chessie in hitting shock. "--Erm we could go through a traditional surrogacy."

"Are you sure?" Chessie asks squeezing her shoulder and Y/N nodded taking both of their hands, "Anything for ye' guys!" Harry's eyes glossing over and he leaves his spot sprawling his arms calling for her, "Gimme a hug pet. Life saver ye're - we're gonna take care of ye." They group hug tightly and excitedly.

Sometimes actions could speak much more than words because the lies that words hold could ruin the great bondages.

. . .

They went through the medical procedure two days after Her, Harry and Chessie being guided by their acquired doc. She was nervous and sweaty but Harry's presence beside her soothed out any negativity that was building inside her brain. By womb the babies would be Harry's and Y/N but legally Chessie's and Harry. She's just wishing that everything goes alright cause that happiness of them is million worthy to her.

People might call her stupid and brainless for going through sickness, crankiness, back pains and the pain during labour just to give those babies to someone else (she's too afraid to call them her's cause she knows her emotional attachments could be very destructive) but she loves Harry and love makes you do those thingies.

At the moment she's on the toilet seat eyes bolted shut counting threes with the pregnancy test in her wavering fingers. "Please it better work." A squeal of surprise leaves her lungs when her eyes fell over the two positive lines quickly dragging her panties over she tumbled outside where everyone's waiting for her.

"You guys are pregnant!!" Sounds dumb right? She announces loudly. Harry's and Chessie's heads perked up while everyone cheered beers spilling from the rims. She flashed grins to each one of them splitting her gaze away from Harry giving Chessie a celebratory kiss.

"Thank you. Oh my god, love! Can't belive it." Harry held her from shoulders giving her a toothy smile and it puts her off that Chessie didn't say anything just a nod along Harry. "Me too." She breathes out as he leads her to sofa sitting her cautiously. "We'll visit the doctor tommorrow." He reassures popping his head from Sarah's neck as she hugged him tight.

"We're gonna have a little Y/N and Harry running and pooping it's nappies soon." Everyone went silent. A grimace on Y/N and Chessie's face. Niall doesn't know when to shut up does he? Y/N's gonna strangle him alive. Harry laughed out aloud not caring about the thick tension in room, "I'll rip ye'r hair if you'll turn me baby into a golf freak Niall." His baby.

Niall raises his hands in defence, "No guarantees Harold."

. . .

They had a check-up and Y/N indeed's pregnant. Harry's over the moon. Kissing her forehead. Thanking her for millionth time – to the point she told him to let her watch telly in peace and shut up. Chessie bringing her organic vegan dishes that Y/N isn't a fan of but eats nevertheless under Harry's stern gaze. "'S not about them only I want ye' to be healthy too, pet. Can't be selfish now can I?" He'd insist.

When she'd be sick he'd be at her side giving her back rubs while Chessie stood at the doorframe of washroom. Y/N thinks since she's pregnant her womanly instincts has gotten more sharp as she sensed something's off between the pair.

He'd be at her flat early morning waking her up to have a morning walk with him not giving in her grunts and whines. Who'd want to leave their crispy warm bed to just be out in the cold? A fool like Harry only. Making her brekkie afterwards as a reward giggling and massaging her shoulders when she'd gobble down food like a greedy squirrel, "Easy there love. 'S all yours."

Chessie's back at LA. They had a small argument because Harry wants her to be participating in all of this as much as he's. But, her priorities are not set for this. They never were.

Y/N was at Harry's place nibbling onto chocolate cupcakes Anne sent specifically for her with a note ("my grandchild shouldn't be privy to their Nana's bakin' skills all my love to Y/N." along a winky smiley) when she spilled cold milk all over her nooked tee-shirt. Harry gave her his clothes to change into and baby wipes but she warded him with a scoff that water exists. She has become more feisty with each passing day.

Was discarding the tee when her gaze fell over the sveltest of bump in the mirror taking her breath away. It makes her realize it's all real. She never touches her belly in fear if she'd she will never stop. Now, when the pads of her fingers skim alongs the skin it strips shivers down her spine. She always wanted this. Not in this scenario though. Shaking her head of the thoughts she slips Harry's hoodie over it climbing down the stairs and it causes Harry to snap his head in alert. He stops chopping the carrots spinning to see Y/N standing feet away from him.

"My baby bump's showing." Her voice almost a whisper and it widens Harry's pupils as his hands fell in air midway between them hesitant to reach her, "Can I see?" She bobs her head shyly cheeks blazing red while revealing the bump for Harry to see. It's not like he hasn't seen her before. He has. But, this's more intimate than all of that. It made him fall on his knees. He's a sensitive person in general. Pure from heart but during this period it seems like he's pregnant not Y/N which's quite amusing too.

"She's beautiful." His gaze full of adoration. "She?" Y/N furrows her brow with a smile. He bobbed his head with a grin, "Think so our baby's gonna be she." Now that's the problem cause Y/N doesn't know which ours he's talking about.

"My pregnancy instincts says it's he." He scoffs, "Bet!?" She rolls her eyes forwarding her fist to do the hand shake they do while betting, "If you loose your pink macbook gonna be mine." They solid the deal with their traditional shake.

"Can I touch it?" Harry's asks politely. When she gives him permission he spreads his warm palms flat against her tummy tongue tied with the affection boozing in his veins for the baby that's not out in the world yet. Y/N eyes flutters and her fingers twitches by her sides from carding them into his hair. This's wrong she scolds herself. Her hormones all over the place.

"You wanna send a picture to Chessie?" At this his lips thinned and he gave her a curt nod standing up to fetch his phone, "Sure. But she might be busy..." on the verge of spitting his words in vile.

. . .

Y/N was reading a crime mystery book. Stroking the side of her baby bump carelessly. Cosy in her blanket hoodie telly murmuring in the distance. "Your dad's taste in books is shit, innit?" She peers down with a smile. It's the first time she's talking to them. "We'll read loads of good books together so that when you'll grow up – I could know what to gift you on Christmas." She tries to grab more popcorns from the bowl but it's empty. "Wanna be best aunt out there!!"

"Will you miss me? As much as I'll when we'll be separated?" Tears well up at her waterline. She huffs through her nose running her hand down her belly several times. It's coming; the breakdown she was toiling for days. "I know it sucks I cant be your mommy." Her cravings kicking in and all she want's a strawberry oreo icecream.

"Oh no. Seriously? I'm sad and ye' lil bean want an ice? Let's call your daddy and see what he got." She rings him and he picks up on the third one. Voice groggy from the sleep. She wants to feel bad but she isn't when all her taste buds could think of is strawberry flavour.

"'M cravin' strawberry ice-cream bad. . . Is it possible for ya to bring one?" He's already throwing duvets off his body reaching for his phone and wallet, "No worries pet I'll be there in tick."

"What the fuck Harry? It's three in the mornin'." Chessie groaned from beside him throwing pillow at her face. "We already stored her fridge with alot of food — " She squints about to change the side.

"She's carrying a baby for us Chess. Ye should know better since ya didn't wanted to." She sits up like bullet folding her arms against her chest.

"Thank you for throwing it at my face, H." He doesn't even spare her a glance walking outside and Chessie wants to scream at the top of her lungs. Why did she even agreed to this?

. . .

When he bought her ice-cream she throws herself in his arms kissing his cheek and he giggled in return feeling good when her bump pressed against him. They ate ice-cream with a bantering mess discussing names of the babies, the one that Chessie and Harry decided, him telling her about the little onesies they bought hearing that Y/N stood up taking out a little bag from the chests of drawers.

"I hope you wouldn't mind." She mutters showing him the lil knitted gloves and Harry slid his palm above her's wrapping them snugly, "I don't want ye' to think ya can't love on 'em 'cos after all it's ye'r womb they belong too." Her lip wobbles at his words and she stuffs her face against his chest fisting the hem. It fred away butterflies inside Harry. He sucka his lip. He shouldn't be acting like this. He has a girlfriend that he's gonna have a baby with. They're happy or atleast he thinks so.

They've been bestfriend for years and those feelings never drowned him. Is it because now she's having his babies? Maybe? Harry tries to convince himself.

When he looks down Y/N's drooling onto his shirt deep into slumber. He pecks her hair slipping his arms under her to hold her firmly against his chest. Laying her on the bed tucking her under blankets.

. . .

It sounds like multiple thuds as doctor hovered the ultrasound device over her gelled cover belly. Her belly growing way faster than it should. Her gaze glued at the ceiling fingers crossed. Harry and Chessie holding hands tight gazes fixed at the screen both of them confused at the disoriented image. They all were on the edge of their seats waiting for their turns. Y/N wished that someone could give her a huge warm hug to soothe her nerves down. But, in the first place she shouldn't be worried about the gender as it's none of concern but theirs. It's getting hard day by day.

"It's twins!" Doctor announces chirply getting a wave of silence in return. But, soon the room filled with happy giggles and gasps of Harry as he went to hug Chessie who's expressionless from shock. Y/N pouts wishing it was her. Smiling at doctor when she squeezed her hand in consolation. She's frightened though. How could she deliver two babies? To deal with the roughness that comes along them? Gonna be pretty hectic.

"We hit a jackpot, innit?" He grins down at her kissing Chessie's cheek last time before leaning down to hug her. "Gonna be super carin' with ye' now." Y/N gives a pat to his back in return awkwardly eyeing as Chessie left the room hastily.

. . .

It rakes against the wood harshly as Chessie glided keys of Harry's house towards him without a word. He puts the baby guide book aside arching his brow, "I can't do this anymore. I want an out." Dread. Seeping down Harry's bones.

Guarding himself down he grits, "What do ya mean you want an out? We agreed with full consent of yours Chessie." She shakes her head furiously.

"I didn't sign up for two of 'em Harry I could barely be there for one!!" He puts his elbows on his knees head lowering, "But you wanted to have a family with me didn't ye'?" His eyes tearing and she throws her head back in annoyance finding it difficult to make him understand.

"No. No – No. You wanted a family! Because of your continuous protests I gave in. Told you I wasn't ready for all of this bullshit now we are here." She emphasises. Harry stands up from his seat towering her pointing a finger at her.

He's rageous. Could burn this house down. How could she be so mean? Cowarding back at the last moment.

"Don't call it bullshit." He spits full of venom for the woman he mighty love and she snaps her head other way, "Congrats she finally ruined us and couldn't be more happy – now that she's having your mother fuckin' babies." He stumbles back knocking the coffee table lungs congesting.

"Don't drag her in all of this she's innocent." She laughs ironically looking him square in eyes yelling like a maniac, "Gave her your sperms now you can't hold back from fucking her. I knew it. You were fucking her behind my back weren't you?" She thinks of him like that? A cheater? He loved her and she always thought he was cheating her.

"Don't yell. I don't want to see ye'r cruel face when I come back home." He tries not to croak mustering strength to walk away from her. Exposing himslef to freezing weather locking himself in his car and crying his heart out. Sky crying along him. He punches the steering wheel brutally shouting "why's?" Head falling atlast as he thought of all his dreams shattering at his feet.

She caged him instead of giving him shelter. Replaced the butterflies he used to get from her with a burning hell in his pit, should've been mother of his children now she's just an ex.

The excruciating part is how he's gonna tell Y/N about this? She'll be crushed.

. . .

"Oh my god . . ." It was the roar of thunder that startled her but something else took her attention away. That tinsy kick protruding the taught skin of her belly, ". . . which one of you?" She was extra happy today. It's swimming in her head. It's just a thought but sharing it with Harry wouldn't kill someone. She wanna ask him if she could've one of the babies. It's just she's too much into the moment that she forgot she still have a degree to complete. A career to pursue and a life she always wanted.

When there's a knock at door she tries to stand up with the support of armrest a hand on her back. A gasp falling from her mouth at the sight of Harry's clothes soaked and another when he looks up with bloodshot eyes. Tears dried cheeks and heaving chest seeming utterly devastated.

"Pet what happened!?" She grabs him from elbow pulling him inside and he falls onto his knees smashing his cheeks against her showing tummy -- a sob recking through him, "Harry you're scarin' me. Tell me what happened is everything okay?"

"Chessie don't want these babies - sh-she didn't wanna ruin her career but atlast agreed . . . n-n now she doesn't want 'em 'n wants an out." He stutters. White noise deafening Y/N's ears and she steps back with expressions as if she's scared. Horrified of the future.

"It means she never had complications? She just didn't wanted her body to go through all of this." When Harry didn't fill in to her inquiry she flopped onto sofa from the shock shoving her face into her palms giving out a cry of hurt at her stupidity.

"God. I'm such an idiot!" He shakes his head crawling towards her with sad eyes and lil hiccups, "No please don'tcha say that. We'll figure it out yeah? Never wanted this t'happen." God. How bad he wants her to assure him that it'll be alright.

"You'll figure out what, huh!? Leaving them just like she did!?" Swear Harry felt a dagger jabbing it's way into his heart more upsetting tears spilling down his throat. "I hate you guys. They're none of your babies from now on. . ."

"Leave." She orders him wiping her tears roughly with the sleeve of her jumper. Running out of breath with each sniffle. Raises her hand stopping him to step forward and protest, "I said leave before I make you!!" He nods inhaling breath of remorse looking at the ceiling for a second then to her.

"Before, that want ya t'know. I still want 'em. They're mine. How could I not? love 'em. Hope ya'll forgive me." Then it's just sobs of Y/N taking over the buzz of telly as the door ticks. He didn't leave though. He's too afraid to. His back sliding against her door knees closing against his chest letting it all dawn upon him. His green luscious orbs hooding with sadness and the fluff of his curls.

Dunno if Y/N would be able to forgive him.

. . .

He woke up to a boot nudging to his thigh squinting up to find Niall stating down at him with consoling eyes. Poor Harry slept in the hallway. His neck sore and limbs stoned.

"Heard it 'lad. Was suspicious with Chessie long way." He helps Harry stand up patting his shoulders, "Y/N called ye'?" He grogs rubbing his eye with knuckles. When Niall confirms he quips with pleading eyes in a low whisper knowing he'll get his hair ripped if that furious little mama bunny will find him outside.

"Ye' think she'll forgive meh?" Niall chuckles to light up the situation, "'course H. Do ya think our pet's that ruthel—" He bites his tongue. Harry's gaze following the snap of his neck when the door opened revealing Y/N in a lilac chunky sweater. Puffy eyes and swollen lips. Harry feeling like a dickhead at her condition. It's all his fault. Then their eyes fall at the piping hot cuppa of tea in her hand.

With a stoic face she hands it to Harry and pulls Niall inside slamming the door at curly boy's face. So, she knew he was there sharing a door with her the whole night.

. . .

"Isn't it a good thing thou, love?" Niall smiles. He's chill in all of this. Watching it unwrap. They were meant for eachother Niall thinks so, "You wanted one of 'em and ended up havin' a whole bean can." She groans throwing her peach plushie at his chest. A smile swirming up her lips at his silly statement now that she's more stable less sad.

"You're the absolute worst, Ni!" He holds her cold hands tugging her close to make her look, "Want ya to forgive H. He did nothin' wrong, pet." When she pouts ruffling the silk strands of her rug with her feet he grabs her chin.

"Remember how happy he was? Don't go mad on him yeah?" She bobs her head not meeting his gaze. Meanwhile, there's knock at the door and Niall takes it laughing to himself softly at the box of doughnuts with a note.

"What is it?" He's already flopping beside her hooking his nimble finger around the white doughnut with rainbow sprinkles, "If I'd have known pregnant ladies gets treated this way. Would be havin' one baby every year." She smacks him in belly and unlatches the note reading it with a sucked lip.

Ye'r antenatal class's tommorrow. Don't forget to take ye vitamins :)

How gentle, calm and optimistic Harry could be needles her some.

. . .

Harry's waiting for her in the car fiddling with the radio. He isn't gonna lie. He's been going through a heartbreak. To cope with it he wants to accompany Y/N in her parent craft classes. When she waddles towards his car cosied up in a yellow baggy sweater and a cardigan Harry remembers she stole from him ages ago he mighty scrunched his nose in adoration at her cuteness.

Her nose pink and cheeks flushing as she slips into her seat, "Can you stop bringin' me stuff. I know how to take care of myself." She nips at him when he forwards her a kale smoothie. He doesn't seem to mind. Both, of them knows very well she's trying to avoid drinking it. She finds it yucky!

"Wanna take care of ya'll is all." He mumbles putting it in her side's cup holder. Ya'll .She regrets it instantly. Damn his puppy eyes!

. . .

"Mr. Styles and . . . Miss Y/N." The instructor calls them and they both raises their hand awkwardly as if in elementary school. "You're the parents of twin right?" She asks. Y/N wanted to say that their supposed to be parent ran off from the fear. But, she couldn't. Could never. It'll be like rubbing salt to his wounds. Bestfriends don't do that shit even in their most anger.

"Yes." She confirms. When Harry didn't. Scared if he might say something wrong. "Ok then! Lay your mats n' have a seat." Harry guides her with the little of his hand on her back. Her shoulder nudging his taut chest, and goosebumps pimples at her skin when his fingers brushes the side of her belly as he helps her sit down.

She takes an all rounder of the room and none of the parents looks like they're here to prepare for war unlike them. She shyly waves at the two mothers beside her and Harry twinges his lip equally flustered as her.

They start with relaxation and breathing exercises. Telling Y/N to let herself loose in Harry's arms. She fumbles with the hem of her sweater when his fingers gingerly winked at her sides and the lull of his breath hit her earlobe.

"Can ya stop breathing like, THAT!?" She whisper yells twisting to give him a sharp glare full of spleen elbow poking at his side abs, "Like what!?" He half squeaks peering down at her with doe eyes palms flat at sides to convey his surprise.

"Like a train engine whistling -- it's annoying." She mutters rolling her eyes and turning back to listen to instructor. "Now, I can't even breath without ye' comin' fo' me throat?" He grits with a kink of brows and when she confirms with a no --- He gasps dramatically. He hates her hormones little bitches.

It's gonna be a long journey of Hell for them.

. . .

"Are you hungry?" He asks turning the heat on knowing how cold her feet could get in the span of seconds. She huffs trying to buckle her belt and it squirms a fond smile out of him at her cute effort to be put in place due to her bump. If he'd coo. She'd rip him into tiny bits. It's better if he gazes away.

"Does it mean emptying your pocket?" She arches her brow sinking into her seat. "Bitso. . " He chuckles softly drumming at the steering wheel.

"Then I'd love to." She adds with a smirk. Clasping her hands atop her heart outta excitement. It makes him shake his poof of hickorey curls at her silliness.

They end up taking a takeout of onion loaded cheese burgers. Greasy fries. An iced-tea and a box of cookies from Babara's shop a block away from Harry's house.

"Wanna choose fo' ye'rself?" He asked her before going inside and she denied with a worried expression. Not knowing how she'll explain all of this to Babara who's her one of the good friends from UNI. Harry respects that. If she isn't ready to talk about it he isn't gonna pressurize her. They've been dodging the serious talk since she let him take to parental classes. Knows one day or another they've to decide how it's all gonna work.

. . .

Good food can make you more high than actual drugs. Licking their fingers off now they feel all sleepy and lazy sitting on the comfortable sofa watching telly with hooded eyes.

Harry's cheek smushed adorably against her baby bump ears tuned into what his babies are talking about.

"You know what? 'S not about winners or loosers. Bu' I won." She bubble hiccups slumping deeper with sugar rush hitting her. "Huh? Harry mumbles eyes drooping. The cotton balls of snowflakes glittering outside, collecting at the window and foging them up.

"I get to have babies of my bestfriend and this nice foodddd — 'n what did Chessie got? No babies and no happy feeling of being their mother." Harry shots up from his snooze blinking up at her and she quickly takes it back regret eating her alive, "'m sorry it slipped."

"No!!" He almost shouts cupping her cheeks making her look at him. His dimples deeps that someone could scoop them like an ice-cream. He gives her an eskimo kiss that makes her veins run with glittery blood.

"I wan' ye' to be the mother of me babies." No hesitation. No dithering. Just him asking for the tinsy bit of her heart. For her forgiveness. For the love they've kept blind eye for years. "We'll figure this out, yeah?" He murmurs their lips brushing and breaths kissing. Pulling back with a forehead kiss.

She lives for forehead kisses makes her shallow tin heart explode with glittery firecrackers.

She nods to give him the affirmation that she wants what he wants.

.

[more-cardigan-than-woman]

Bad day

Summary: You've had a regular bad day. Shit, ruined. Awful

Characters: F!Reader x Dick Grayson (Boyf)

Word Count: 600

Warnings: Swearing, Fluff.

AN: I am so upset that I can' go and see Shang Chi and this is my therapy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your day started bad and only went downhill from there. It was awful, first you spilled coffee on your favourite shirt, then you left your lunch on the counter. Some random creep decided to grab your ass on the street, fuck you were counting the minutes until you go to go home to your wonderful boyfriend.

---

Slamming the door behind you, “Fuck!” You yelled, pelting your ice cream into the bin.

“Hey honey, how was your day,” Dick smiles at you.

“Fucked,” you kick your shoes into the room.

“Anything I can do?”

“No!” You whined, throwing your coat on the ground in a huff.

“You sure about that?” He kissed onto your neck.

“Yes, Dick. Positive,” feeling the tension ease with every kiss. “I hate the world and I'm sick of it,”

“Come on now honey, you don't mean that”

“I do, and if it weren't for you I'd burn this shithole to the ground,” grumbling into Dicks shoulder.

“Now I know that's not true, where would you get your ice cream if the world was burnt down.”

“That's- that's a good point,” You sigh.

“Why don't you take a shower, go for a walk and I'll get stuff ready for tonight.”

“Hmm.. fine. But it'll be an angry walk with an even angrier shower.”

“Whatever you need, hon.”

“Dickie,” you smiled

“Yes honey,”

“I love you”

“I love you, even when you’re being a pain.”.

“I'm not a pain,” you mumbled shouted, stomping off and slamming the door behind you, missing Dick rolling his eyes in your direction.

---

“Argh!” You mumbled, stomping your feet and glaring at your poor boyfriend, who was putting up with your 2nd tantrum of the day.

“Honey, what's wrong now?” He cooed, enveloping you in his arms, trying his best to calm you down.

“You know that movie we were going to see tonight?” you whined.

“Yeh, what happened?”

“The fuckin joker blew up the cinema! I hate that guy, I swear he's put to get me.”

“Don’t think it's just you honey,” he cooed, smelling the coconut in your hair.

“It is! First he cuts me off main street and my ice cream melts on the way home and now this! It's not fair,”

“You know how you sou-” You lean back glaring at him, daring him to finish that sentence. “Ok OK,” he said raising his hands in defeat, “Better idea. You me and whatever movie you want.”

“But Dickie! I wanna see that movie!”

“We can see it next week,” he promises, “I'll speak to Bruce.”

“Really!” You giggle excitedly jumping up higher into his arms. “So tonight?”

“Just you and me baby, a good movie and I'll go down and get you some ice cream.”

“I love you, Dickie”

“I love you honey, go pick a movie”

Settling on the couch with a blanket and a hot tea, your handsome boyfriend snuggled underneath you.

“So what are we watching?” He asked, handing you your favourite ice cream.

“Howls moving castle,”

“Oh, excellent choice.”

“I know,” you smiled, taking a big bite of ice cream

“You seem a lot calmer now,”

“Yes. I got my own little stress ball,” you give his arms around your middle a big squeeze.

“Little?”

“Sorry, I have my own massively handsome and definitely tallest in his family stress ball.”

“That's better,” he said, pecking you on the cheek,

“It's starting, shh.”

“Why? So you can ogle howl? Dream of your magical wizard who's going to whisk you away?”

“Nup, got my own magic man. He's way drearier than any cartoon. Although?”

“What?”

“You know what,”

He squished you into him, peppering kissing up your neck before whispering in your ear " there you are Sweetheart, I've been looking for you everywhere,"

[petersasteria]

Marriage - Tom Holland

Pairing: Doctor!Tom x Lawyer!Reader Requested? Nah 7,630 words TW; character death, very angsty as usual, an unusual ending

The one is bold is the question from the activity.

* * * *

It was 7 o’clock in the morning and everyone in your house was busy. Tom, your husband, was checking your kids’ backpacks while you made sure your kids ate breakfast. They were invited by Mr. and Mrs. Bergstein on a camping trip with their kids. Of course, you and Tom happily agreed. It’d be nice to take a break from the kids just this once. You and Tom didn’t worry too much about them because your kids are 10 and 8 years old. Both of them are boys and you wanted to try for a little girl this time. Only, there was one problem.

“Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Bergstein are here! It’s time to go!” Tom shouted from the living room after checking from the window. Your sons, Jacob and Mason, immediately got up from their seats and ran out of the house.

“You didn’t drink anything, Jacob!” You shouted from the dining area. Jacob quickly came back and finished his full glass of orange juice. You smiled at him as you wiped his mouth. You kissed the top of his head and said, “Behave, okay? Take care of your little brother, but most of all, have fun! I’ll call you guys every night.”

“Okay, mum. I love you!” Jacob smiled before leaving again. You and Tom followed behind him as you waved at them from the front door.

“Bye, kids!” Tom shouted with a smile on his face as he waved with his other arm wrapped around your shoulder. You and Tom watched as the kids waved from inside the car.

“I can’t believe you didn’t have the decency to pack their things last night. Do you know how tired I am?!” Tom quietly said while smiling at the kids.

“I can’t believe you’re complaining! You don’t even help around the house and the one time I ask you to do something, you’re pissed? How fucking dare you!” You said, the same way as Tom. You didn’t want the kids to see you fighting.

The Bergsteins drove away and as soon as they did, you shrugged off Tom’s arm around your shoulder and went inside without another word. Tom followed and slammed the door when he got in.

“You’re such a bitch, you know that?” Tom said angrily.

“You’re such an asshole, you know that?” You mimicked. “I fucking hate you! The only good things you gave me were Jacob and Mason! Other than those two, all you gave me were headaches and your whining! News flash: when you whine and complain, NOTHING CHANGES AND NOTHING GETS DONE.”

“Well, I’m sorry for making you so fucking upset! I’m sorry that I have a job that’s always stressing me out and I’m sorry that I don’t have time for everything and everyone in this house!” Tom shouted.

“Oh, please! I know how you fucking feel because I’m a lawyer and the cases I handle are so out of this fucking world and it adds to my problems! You and I aren’t so different in terms of having a busy work life, but I make time to do my part as a wife and a mother!” You hissed.

That was the problem. Both of you hated each other’s guts. You don’t know when it started and despite everything, you and Tom agreed that Mason was definitely the result of angry sex. In fact, that was the last intimate moment you had together. After having Mason, yours and Tom’s love life just went downhill. You loved your kids, but you weren’t sure if you loved each other anymore. For the first time in 14 years, you and Tom questioned your relationship.

You and Tom have been together since you were 16. You got married at 23, had Jacob at 24 and had Mason at 26. Now you and Tom are 34 years old and both of you can’t be bothered to make a third child. In Tom’s words, ‘FUCK THAT SHIT.’

“Are you saying that I’m not doing my part as a husband and as a father?!” Tom shouted.

“Yeah!”

“I provide for this family!”

“I provide for this family too and I’m so tired goddammit!” You yelled before retreating to your shared bedroom. Tom watched in anger and shouted, “I hate you!”

“The feeling’s mutual!” You shouted back before grabbing your work clothes and entering your en suite bathroom.

Tom scoffed and asked the maid to clean up in the dining room. It was his day off today and he didn’t want to do anything for the whole day. He just wanted to relax, but that was ruined when you asked him to pack the kids’ bags for a camping trip with the Bergsteins.

Half an hour later, you went down already ready for work. You were putting an earring on when you looked at Tom to find him watching golf on TV.

“I’m off to work now.” You said.

“Good riddance! At least no one’s going to boss me around.” Tom rolled his eyes as he said that without leaving his gaze from the television. What he said made your blood boil, but you didn’t say anything. You had to go to court today and you refused to let your emotions and personal problems get in the way of an important case. So you put your heels on, grabbed your things, and left without another word.

When you left, Tom looked at the door and sighed. Regardless of the constant arguing, Tom hated it when you argued. He hated all the fights, he hated the fact that you slept next to each other but turned on opposite sides, he hated not exchanging I love you’s anymore, he hated being angry all the time, but most of all, he hated not being partners in crime anymore. A few weeks ago, you told him to just leave. He didn’t because he made a vow to stay with you through thick and thin.

You hated fighting too and if you were being honest, you didn’t know what happened. It just started going downhill. There was no doubt that you loved Tom and he loved you, but sometimes things just don’t work out between two people who loved each other since they were 16.

Work was tiring as always and as if work wasn’t tiring enough, Tom texted you and said that your parents were trying to contact you, but for some reason couldn’t get a hold of you so they called Tom instead. Apparently, your parents made reservations at a restaurant for dinner and they realized that they couldn’t make it. They didn’t want to cancel because they would be asked to pay a cancellation fee. Your parents want you and Tom to take the reservation instead.

Upon reading Tom’s message, you called him and he answered immediately. “What did you tell them?” You asked Tom as soon as he answered. You were walking to your car while trying to find your car keys.

“Hello to you too, darling.” He said sarcastically and you could imagine him rolling his eyes. “I told them that we’d go. I’m already dressed and I’m literally on my way out the house.”

You found your keys and sighed before unlocking your car. “Fine. How will you go there? Do you want me to pick you up? Or will you take a cab?”

“I’ll just take a cab. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you, Y/N. I’m sure having dinner with me is at the bottom of your list, but I love your parents too much to say no.” Tom hissed as he walked out of the house.

“I didn’t mean it that way, alright?! I’m just tired. I’ll see you at the restaurant.” You said as you put your things in the backseat of your car.

“Bye.” Tom said before hanging up. You tossed your phone on the passenger seat before getting in and driving to the restaurant. When you parked the car, you quickly fixed your appearance and practiced a smile before grabbing your phone and bag before getting out of the car and locking it.

Tom got there first and he was already munching on the free bread and sipping wine. He saw you and lazily waved you over. You walked towards him and sat across.

“Have you ordered?” You asked and he shook his head.

“I was waiting for you.” He replied with his mouthful which made you roll your eyes. “Can you stop being a pig for once?” You whispered.

Tom rolled his eyes, took a sip of wine, and swallowed his food. “Can you give me a break? Today’s the day when I don’t handle a patient’s death or sickness or check up or anything else. Let me be human and forget a few manners, alright? It’s not like I’ll die if I talk with my mouth full.”

“Yeah, but you could choke on it.” You explained.

“Oooh, kinky.” Tom said sarcastically.

The waitress came and handed your menus before leaving again. The waitress was your saving grace and you were happy that you could pay attention to the menu and not Tom. You honestly couldn’t deal with him at the moment. After five minutes of scanning the menu, both of you called for the waitress and gave her your orders. The waitress immediately left after taking your orders and you and Tom were silent.

Tom coughed awkwardly, “How was work?”

“Stressful and I have to be in court again tomorrow.” You told him.

“The pro bono case?” Tom asked.

You nodded, “The pro bono case. I genuinely feel bad for my client and I hope I win this one for him.”

“What’s his case?” Tom asked. For the first time in forever, both of you were normal, functioning human beings.

“His daughter got taken away from him simply because everyone said that he has the mental capacity of a 7-year-old and that his daughter is already becoming smarter than him. His daughter’s teacher also said that they think she’s holding back from learning all because of her father. They’re bullshitting, I swear.” You answered before grabbing a piece of bread and scarfing down on it as if you haven’t eaten in days.

“Well, do you?”

“Do I what?” You asked after swallowing the bread.

“Do you think he has the mental capacity of a 7-year-old?” Tom asked. The waitress arrived with your food and you thanked her. Tom poured you a glass of wine for you to drink and you took a sip before answering.

“No.” You shook your head. “He has autism, but I think he’s very capable of being a parent. Hell, he’s been raising the kid alone for seven years, so why do they all doubt him now? It just makes me so angry that they think that way.”

The dinner went surprisingly well and Tom even offered to pay for the bill. You were happy that both of you were functional human beings again and you didn’t fight anymore even when you arrived home. You even got to cuddle up to him when you laid in bed and he kissed the top of your head.

“Oh shit.” You said suddenly.

“What?”

“We forgot to call the kids.”

“Oh shit.” Tom sighed. “Let’s just give them a quick call now. I’m sure they’re tired.”

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and quickly pressed Jacob’s contact to call him. His phone rang as you put it on speaker and he answered after the third ring.

“Hi, mum!” Jacob said from the other line. “Mason, come say hi to mum.”

“Hi, mum!” Mason greeted.

“Hey kids!” You smiled. “Your dad’s here too. Say hi to your dad.”

“Hi, dad!” The two said at the same time.

“Hey, boys! We miss you already.” Tom said. “What did you guys do today?”

“We went fishing!” Mason said cheerfully. “Yeah, and we had smores. It was delicious!” Jacob added with a small giggle which made your heart swell and forget your problems. You really loved your kids and you would do anything and everything for them.

You spent the rest of the night talking to your kids and it felt like nothing was wrong anymore. But of course, you knew it was temporary. You knew better than to keep your hopes up. You knew that when you wake up in the morning, Tom would already be ready for work and say the coldest ‘goodbye’ to you as if you didn’t cuddle at all the night before.

You were right. Except this time, he added a small ‘good luck in court today’ which made you smile a bit before waving goodbye to him.

You sighed to yourself as soon as he left before getting ready for the day. You wished you could go back in time to where this coldness and the arguments began because you had no clue how to fix it now. You couldn’t blame Tom and you didn’t blame yourself and you most certainly didn’t blame your kids. It’s hard to solve a case when you can’t even solve your own problems at home.

Two days later, Jacob and Mason are finally back from the camping trip and you can’t wait to spend time with them. You missed them dearly. You took a day off to be with them and as much as Tom wanted to go, he had an emergency to tend to at the hospital.

“Hi!” You greeted as soon as you saw your kids get out of the car. They ran up to you and you hugged them tightly as you kissed the top of their heads. Your sons were yours and Tom’s pride and joy. They were your angels.

You pulled away from them and thanked the Bergsteins for the camping trip before waving them goodbye as they drove away. You three went inside and helped them unpack their things as they told you stories of what happened.

Since you didn’t go to work today, you knew you had to make up for it. So after dinner and after readying the kids for bed, you went to your home office and started working. Tom came home an hour later. He took off his coat and took his shoes off as the maid reheated the dinner that was left for him. He went into the dining room and thanked her before loosening his tie and eating.

No one noticed it, but he was tired. He wished he could quit his job, but he knew that if he did that, he’d be very unhappy. Being a doctor has been his dream for so long and he wasn’t going to give that up. It was his passion and he loved it. He loved seeing happy patients getting out of the hospital, he loved seeing his fellow doctors telling patients that they’re cancer free, he loved seeing a patient’s loved ones visiting with balloons and flowers. It’s true what people say, you really see true emotions in either a hospital or airport. Mostly in a hospital.

Tom rubbed the sleep off his eyes before quickly finishing his food. He just remembered Jacob and Mason were already home and he wanted to see them. Tom loved his sons and he would do everything to make them happy and protected. He loved his little family and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

He got out of his seat, washed the plate and utensils he used, dried and put them back before going to his sons’ shared room. He gently knocked on the door before entering. He silently hoped that they were awake so he could hear about the things they did in their trip because he knew that he’d have to wake up at 4AM and do the same routine again. He wanted to catch up with his kids because he feels like he’s been missing out a lot and he hated that. He swore to himself that he’d become the best father for them and that included hearing them out no matter what it was they wanted to say.

He opened the door and saw them half-asleep watching something on Netflix. He smiled at the sight and said softly, “Hey, guys.”

Jacob and Mason turned to face the door and smiled brightly when they saw their father. Tom grinned as he walked in and quietly closed the door. The kids ran up to him and gave him a big hug which Tom returned. His sorrows were washed away and it hurts to admit that when his two boys will be teenagers, they wouldn’t want to hug their dad anymore. Right now, he’s cherishing it before they turn into monstrous rebels that sneak out to party. Although, he hoped his boys wouldn’t be like that.

Tom kissed their foreheads before sitting on the large beanbag as the kids sat on his lap. “Tell me all about your camping trip. Was it fun? Did you see bears?”

“I saw an eel and Eli caught a fish!” Mason exclaimed as he excitedly told the story. Eli was the Bergsteins’ youngest son. He’s the same age as Mason.

“Wow! Really? Did you catch a fish?” Tom asked him and Mason shook his head. Mason didn’t seem bothered about it, though. “I saw a butterfly and a caterpillar. They were beautiful like mum.” Mason smiled as Tom nodded and brushed the hair off of Mason’s face.

“Yes, your mum is very beautiful.” Tom smiled. Jacob watched the interaction between his little brother and his father and he was slightly jealous that Mason got his parents’ attention. He knew that the love was equal, but he just didn’t see it that way. Jacob loved his brother and he would do anything to protect him, but sometimes he wished his parents would realize that he’s their son too and he needed attention just as much as Mason.

Mason is the exact definition of a ball of sunshine. He always saw the good in people and he stopped fights in school because he hated it when people fight. It pained him to see you and Tom fighting even though you hid it from him and Jacob, he could still hear it and he could sense when something’s wrong. He was a peacemaker and he loved nature. In fact, you and Tom decided to have a small garden corner for Mason in the backyard. Mason was often teased in school for being effeminate and Jacob would always defend him. It broke Jacob’s heart to see that his precious little brother is being teased for being who he is.

Mason loved flowers. He didn’t have a favorite and if you ask him, his answer changes every time. Despite his different answers, you, Tom, and Jacob thought each thought about different flowers that suit him. To Jacob, the flower that suited Mason best is zinnia because it means goodness and to him, it definitely described Mason. To Tom, Mason suited a chrysanthemum because it means cheerfulness and positivity and it truly defined Mason. To you, he suited a baby’s breath because it means innocence, love, purity, and sincerity.

In truth, all of those flowers suited Mason. That’s why you and Tom fought when trying to decide the kind of flowers to get for Mason’s funeral.

It all happened so fast.

Knowing his love for nature, you and Tom took the kids to a nature park for Mason’s 9th birthday. You knew he would appreciate it and you knew he wanted to spend time with his family on his special day. So, you and Tom organized it, surprisingly, without fighting.

You went to the park and there was a lake there where everyone could swim. It was a little pricey, but you and Tom thought that it was okay to spend a little over the budget for the kids to swim. So, you all swam.

When it was time to get out of the water, you noticed that only Jacob got out. Mason was nowhere to be found. That made you panic.

“Jake,” You called your eldest son. Jake was his nickname. “Where’s your brother?” Upon hearing your question, Tom stopped packing your things and went over to you and Jacob.

“What’s going on?” Tom asked as he dried his hair with a towel.

“Mason’s missing.” You said in panic. You had a bad feeling and you guessed that it was your maternal instincts kicking in. “I don’t like this one bit, T. I feel like something bad just happened.”

Tom turned to Jacob and asked, “Where’s Mason?”

“I don’t know.” Jacob shrugged. “We were playing and I never saw him again. Should I go back in the wa-”

“No!” You said loudly, cutting him off. “Don’t go back in there. It’s dangerous.”

“I’ll go look for a lifeguard or something. Stay here.” Tom said sternly, going into full dad mode before running to immediately find someone who could help. Not even a minute later, he comes back with the nature park’s rescue team as they search for Mason in the lake. Tom went with them as you stayed with Jacob.

“Will Mason be okay?” Jacob asked, his eyes full of worry as they stared back at you. You gave him a small smile and said, “Yes, he’ll be okay. They’ll find him. I know they will.” Jacob nodded and you engulfed him in an embrace as he sat on your lap. In truth, you didn’t know what to do. Your mind was thinking of so many things at once and your heart was racing.

An hour later, Tom and the rescue team come back with Mason’s cold body. His lips were pale and judging by the look on Tom’s face, Mason needs to be in the hospital as soon as possible.

“They called an ambulance already and they should be here by now.” Tom told you. “I’ll go with them and you and Jacob can follow.”

“Okay.” You cried. The three of you quickly changed into dry clothing, grabbed your things and went to the front of the nature park where the ambulance was waiting. Mason was quickly brought inside the ambulance while Tom followed suit.

“Just follow the ambulance!” Tom called out to you before the paramedic got in and closed the door. Your body ran on autopilot. You hurriedly stuffed your things in the backseat of your car before getting in with Jacob. You pulled out the parking lot and quickly drove to catch up with the ambulance.

Tom arrived at the hospital first and Mason was brought to the emergency room. Tom waited outside and after a few minutes, a doctor told Tom that Mason was dead on arrival. It was heartbreaking. As a doctor himself, Tom had his fair share of telling families that their loved one has passed. He just didn’t expect that he’d be the receiving end of it and it shattered him. When you and Jacob arrived, Tom broke the news to you and you let out the most painful cry. Jacob cried too. Jacob blamed himself for Mason’s death, but you and Tom assured him that it was no one’s fault.

Today’s the funeral and you were arguing with Tom. You were in the anger stage of grieving and it broke Jacob’s heart seeing you two fight.

“I want the baby’s breath flowers for him to hold in the coffin!” You shouted.

“Well, I want the chrysanthemum!” Tom yelled. “That’s final!”

“You can’t just decide what’s final and what isn’t! I’m his parent too, in case you forgot!” You angrily shouted as you stood in front of Tom. Tom was about to yell, but Jacob beat him to it.

“Stop fighting!” Jacob cried, causing both of you to face him. “Mason would hate both of you for fighting right now! He seriously would! Can you guys just compromise? I understand that you guys are very sad and I’m sad too. But we have to go now and let’s just agree that Mason can hold all of the flowers we got him. He loves them all, anyway.”

Yours and Tom’s heart broke seeing Jacob cry and you felt so bad that you forgot all about him. You knew Tom forgot about him too. Tom looked at you and nodded, “He’s right.”

You nodded and said, “Okay. Jake, we’re sorry.”

“Let’s just go.” Jacob said as he walked out of the house.

The funeral was short and simple. You three got to see Mason one last time as you all put the flowers in Mason’s hands. They closed the coffin and lowered it down six feet under. You will never get over the pain of burying your son; your youngest. Things will never be the same again.

After the funeral, you and Tom were back to your fighting routines. Jacob didn’t have the energy to stop you guys anymore. In fact, you were so busy fighting and working that you didn’t notice Jacob anymore. You never went to his room because it hurts too much knowing that Mason stayed there too. What you didn’t realize was Jacob’s pain. It hurt him to sleep in the room he once shared with his brother. It hurt him to not hear Mason’s voice not calling his attention when he wanted a midnight snack. It hurt him to lose his number one partner in crime.

A few months later, it’s Tom’s parents’ wedding anniversary party. Things have already been downhill by that time and Jacob wasn’t talking to both of you at all and that worried you and Tom.

You arrived at Tom’s childhood home because that’s where the party was being held and after Tom parked the car, all of you got out of the car. Tom locked it and entered the house first with you and Jacob behind him.

“Tom!” Nikki smiled as she walked towards him and kissed his cheek before giving him a warm embrace. She turned to you and did the same. “How are you?” She asked.

“I’m doing better.” You smiled as you put your hands on Jacob’s shoulders. Nikki smiled and turned to Jacob, “How are you, young man?”

“Fine.” Jacob said.

“How’s football?” Nikki asked him again, hoping to get an elaborate answer. She missed the 10-year-old boy who resembled Tom.

“I quit a few weeks ago.” Jacob said as he shrugged off your hands and went to his uncles. You sighed and Tom shook his head upon seeing that.

“I’m sorry about that, Nikki.” You apologized and she waved you off saying it was nothing. She said that Jacob was probably just upset about something and that he’ll come around soon. “I hope that’s true.” You told her.

“It’ll pass. Don’t worry about it.” Nikki assured you.

The party began and everyone was having fun. You went to the kitchen to get yourself a drink and on the way there, you saw Tom and his ex talking and laughing. You knew it meant nothing and you knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of his ex especially because he chose you in the end, but you couldn’t help it.

Forgetting about your drink, you walked up to them and cleared your throat. “Tom, can you help me with the drinks in the kitchen?” You asked sweetly.

“Okay.” He said, before excusing himself from his ex. They were still friends and their breakup was mutual. Tom didn’t have feelings for her anymore and he loved you despite the hardships and fights.

You went to the kitchen and Tom trailed behind you. You turned to face him and he immediately asked, “Okay, what’s wrong? I know you don’t need help with drinks.”

He knew you too well.

“How’s your ex?” You asked with your arms crossed. Tom groaned. “No, tell me. How is she? What did she tell you that was so funny? If you find her so amusing, why don’t you just date her? Oh, no you can’t because you’re married to me!”

“I fucking knew it!” Tom raised his voice, causing the people in the house to look at both of you. “You know, you’re so jealous! I was literally catching up with her and you’re making an issue! That’s what’s wrong with you!”

“Oh, wow!” You chuckled. “So if I were to talk to my ex and laugh with him, would you be jealous?”

“Yes, I would! But I wouldn’t make a scene and I wouldn’t worry too much about it because I know that at the end of the day, you come home TO ME; your husband. I trust you, but you don’t fucking trust me and it’s insane!” Tom shrieked.

“Oh, so now I’m insane?!”

“Yeah, you are! How can you get it through your thick head? Nothing’s going on between me and her! We’re just friends and there’s nothing to worry about!”

“That’s where it all starts.” You said. “You become friends and then you hang out again and then before you know it, you’re going on secret dates and then you’re cheating.”

Tom laughed bitterly, “See what I’m talking about?! You already made some shit up! I can’t believe your spewing random stories out of your fucking mouth! God, you’re so irritating sometimes!”

“IF YOU FIND ME SO IRRITATING, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?!”

“IF YOU DON’T FUCKING TRUST ME, WHY ARE WE STILL FUCKING MARRIED?!”

At this point, you and Tom were loudly and shamelessly arguing in the kitchen. You forgot about the guests and you forgot about the party. Dom, Tom’s father, had to tell everyone the party was over, so that they could all leave and not witness your fight.

Jacob shook his head at the sight and said, “They do this all the time. I’m used to it now. I bought myself headphones to keep myself company. Those headphones are my best friends now.”

Taking pity on Jacob, Paddy said, “What music do you listen to? The speaker’s still in the garden and we can plug in your phone there, so we can listen together.”

Sam heard and nodded, “Yeah, I’ll join in too. What’re you into?”

“Count me in. Shit is heated here and I need a break.” Harry sighed before earning a nudge from Sam. “Ouch, what was that for?”

“Watch your mouth.” Sam said.

“That’s fine. I’ve heard so many curse words now. Let’s just go to the garden.” Jacob said as he led the way.

Nikki closed the backdoor after all of them went to the garden and she quickly went back to the kitchen to stop you guys from fighting.

“Hey!” She shouted, causing you and Tom to stop. “Let’s talk in the living room.”

Now, here you were in the living room with Tom, Nikki, and Dom. You never thought that you would ever receive an intervention of some kind.

“Why are you fighting?” Dom asked.

“She was jealous because I was talking to my ex and she was being super unreasonable. It’s so irritating.” Tom answered as he rolled his eyes.

“Have you ever hit each other?” nikki asked and you shook your head. “We would never hit each other.” You cleared up, earning a nod from her.

“Have you ever thought about marriage counseling?” Dom asked and you and Tom shook your heads.

“We don’t need it.” Tom said. “We’re just having a rough patch at the moment.”

Dom laughed, “That’s a funny way of saying it. Son, you’ve been fighting for YEARS. I think it’s time for both of you to get some help and sort out everything.”

“You need to fix this. If not for both of you, then do it for Jacob and Mason. We all know that Mason hates fighting. Imagine how Mason would feel about all this.” Nikki said softly.

“That’s not fair.” Tom shook his head. “You can’t just use my dead son against me.”

“I’m not using him against you. I’m just saying that he would be disappointed in both of you for fighting and for forgetting Jacob.” Nikki snapped.

“Let’s go.” You said quietly.

“What?” Tom turned to you.

“Let’s go to a marriage counselor. Tom, they’re right. We need help. I thought fighting was just in court. I don’t want to experience it at home too. We’re tired from our jobs and I think that’s the reason why we’re snapping at each other. I want us to talk about this before we do or say anything stupid.” You explained as you rubbed your temple with your left hand.

Tom looked down and nodded, “Fine. I don’t want to fight forever.”

You looked at each other and gave him a small smile as you grabbed his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. With that small gesture, Tom hoped that everything would be alright.

Today’s the day for yours and Tom’s first marriage counseling session. Both of you were extremely nervous, but you both knew it had to be done. The drive there was quiet and if you were being honest, you had to admit that being quiet was strange for you and Tom.

When you arrived, you two still hadn't spoken to each other in fear that it might lead to another fight. Both of you were asked to wait in the waiting room until your names were called and when it was, both of you nervously walked in the marriage counselor’s office.

They asked you to take a seat in front of their desk and you did as you were told. They smiled at you and said, “Mr. and Mrs. Holland, am I correct?”

“Yes.” You answered at the same time.

“Alright. Tell me about your relationship. How did it start?” They asked.

You chuckled at the memory and so did Tom. “Well, I was in a relationship when I met her and she had an attitude.” Tom said with a grin.

“That’s true.” You chuckled. “I was a new student in his school and I was just mean because I hated being new and I hated starting over. You see, my family kept moving around but this time, we stayed.”

“So anyway, when my girlfriend and I broke up, I was upset. I was 15 at the time and I thought that she was the one. Of course, I was wrong because I got to know Y/N after that. Something told me that Y/N was someone special. I just didn’t know that she was the one. Of course, I found that out years later. Heck, that’s why I proposed.” Tom admitted.

“Tom was my first boyfriend and I honestly thought we wouldn’t last because we were 16 when we started dating and that’s so young. So, I really didn’t give my all in the relationship because why would I give my all if we weren’t going to last, anyway?” You said, biting your lip.

“I just knew that now.” Tom confessed and then there was silence, but you quickly broke it.

“Of course, I changed my mind.” You said.

“What made you change your mind?” The counselor asked.

“I changed my mind when I met his family. I just felt really special that time and we were already dating for about 5 months. I felt really happy and I felt as if something good is about to happen. I was right.” You smiled as you looked at Tom. “He was the best boyfriend I could ever ask for and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.”

The counselor nodded, “Okay and what was your marriage like before?”

“Oh, it was spectacular! We got married when we were 23 years old and we traveled from to time because at that time, we weren’t super busy.” Tom answered. “Then, we had our son, Jacob, the year after that. It was quick and definitely a surprise, but we were excited to be parents. I knew that Y/N would be an excellent mother and she is. I never doubted her, not once and not ever.”

“Everyone said we were crazy for getting married so young, but why should we wait for a long time, y’know? We already know that we’re it for each other. Love is different for everyone and people failed to think about that during those times.” You answered. “A month into our marriage, I still couldn’t get over the fact that I’m his wife. It felt so surreal and I felt like I was on cloud nine. It felt so good.”

“That was before, right?” The counselor asked and both of you nodded. “What do you think changed? What happened?”

“I think it’s because we got busier at work and we had no time for each other. Then, we still had Jacob to take care of and it was just tiring. I guess that’s why we kept snapping at each other. That’s where it all began. The snapping and then it moved to the raising of voices-”

“Then the shouting and yelling, the saying things we don’t mean, and the not talking to each other for days. I honestly thought our marriage was done, but we vowed to each other that we would be there for each other through good times and in bad. Why would I give up on Y/N after a bump on the road? So, I stayed.” Tom continued.

“Does one person feel the need to win whenever you argue?”

“I don’t feel the need to win.” You said.

“I don’t feel the need to win either. I think we argue because we think we’re right and we don’t agree with things.” Tom answered.

“That’s true. We can’t even talk to each other properly without it leading to yet another heated argument. I think this is the longest conversation we have without shouting and yelling and saying things we don’t mean.” You said.

“Why are you here? What made you come here?”

“We came here because we realized that after years of fighting, we need help. After years of fighting, we finally admitted to ourselves that we need help from a professional.” You said.

“What are you hoping to learn from counseling?”

“I want to learn how to deal with our problems without yelling and getting angry about it.” Tom said.

“Okay, and you?”

“I want to learn how to learn the same thing. I can’t go on fighting anymore. We’re supposed to be teammates and we can’t do that if we’re always arguing.” You answered.

“Where would you like to see your marriage by the end of counseling?”

“A strong and healthier marriage, definitely.” You nodded. “I want that for us.”

“By the end of counseling, I want us to still be together. I want us to be better than who we are now especially for Jacob because I feel like our fights are rubbing off on him. He barely talks to us and I hate that.” Tom said and you agreed.

“Okay, thank you for that. That’s all I need for now and I’ll see you in our next session.” The counselor said.

Counseling helped greatly and it made you learn more about yourselves. You learned about your new strengths and weaknesses. Life at home slowly changed too. There were a few fights, but they weren’t as bad as before. Jacob still wouldn’t talk to both of you, though and that scared both of you.

Today was your last day of marriage counseling and the counselor said that there will be a last activity before they can conclude anything.

“I have a set of questions here that I want you both to answer, alright?” The counselor asked and both of you nodded.

Do you trust each other?

Tom: Yes, I trust her with everything in me.

You: I do.

Is there anything you feel you can’t trust each other with?

Both: No.

Have you ever felt the need to check the other person’s phone when they leave it unattended?

Tom: No.

You: Yes, but that was before we were married.

Tom looked at you and you just shrugged, “I’m just being honest.”

Have you ever done anything to lose the trust of the other person?

Tom: No, but I’m sure she had her doubts at some point.

You: No, and he’s right.

What makes you both happy?

Tom: Seeing my family happy.

You: Same answer.

When was the happiest period of time in your marriage, and what about it did you enjoy the most?

Tom: Our wedding day because I finally got to marry the girl of my dreams. I finally had my dream come true.

You: Our one year wedding anniversary because we’ve been together for 8 years in total and married for a year. It blew my mind that we lasted so long and we’re having our first born on the way.

Is there anything the other does that brings you down?

Tom: When she accuses me of not making time for our family. I try to make time, I do. It’s just that I’m always the doctor they call whenever they need something and I can’t help it. I know I promised I’d be there, but I took an oath to be there for patients too. It’s my duty to serve the public and I don’t want to abandon that and aside from being a husband and father, I dreamt about being a doctor too. It would break my heart to not do what I’m supposed to do.

You: When he would blame me for things that aren’t my fault.

Do you feel that you care about each other’s happiness?

Tom: Yes! Last year, she got me golf clubs for my birthday.

You: Yeah and he got me tickets to a concert that I want to go to.

What can you do to share each other’s happiness?

Tom: Go golfing with me.

You: Have a relaxing day together; just me and him.

Do you stress each other out?

Tom: I guess so. We wouldn’t be fighting if we don’t stress each other out.

You: True.

What do you find the most stressful?

Tom: When she doesn’t understand me.

You: When he forgets his role at home.

Do you feel you can come home to each other after a special day and feel better?

Tom: If I was asked this before, I’d say no because I always come home late and she’d be asleep. So, we couldn’t fix our problems. But now, yes.

You: I agree with him.

What do you feel are the biggest stressors in your marriage?

Tom: My job, but I can’t quit.

You: Our schedules because they always clash.

Do you feel like you can talk to each other about everything?

Both:: Yes.

Do you feel like the other listens when you speak?

Both:: Yes.

Do you make love as often as the other would like?

The question made you and Tom giggle causing the counselor to look at both of you. “I’m guessing, you do it more often now than before?”

“No comment.” Tom said, trying to hide a grin on his face.

“Alright, moving on.” The counselor chuckled.

Do you fulfill each other’s needs physically?

Tom: Definitely.

You: Absolutely.

Have you ever thought about seeing someone else?

Tom: No.

You: Never in a million years.

Have you ever seen someone else while you’ve been together?

Both:: No.

Do you still communicate with others you’ve been with intimately?

Tom: No.

You: I’ve never been with anyone else prior to Tom.

Is there anything in the past that the other has done that still bothers you?

Tom: I don’t think so; no.

You: The way he laughed with his ex at his parents’ wedding anniversary party. This is completely on my part now; it’s not his fault.

If you could change one thing about the past, what would it be?

Tom: The thing that got us into this whole mess. I would like to completely remove that.

You: Same here.

Would you say your relationship has been mostly good, mostly bad, or something in between?

Tom: Something in between.

You: Yes. No relationship is perfect.

Are there any conflicts in the past that you feel have not been resolved?

Both:: No.

What are some fond memories you have about the past?

Tom: When we first started dating, blissfully unaware of what our future will hold.

You: When we still had Mason.

Tom looked at you with a sad smile and grabbed your hand.

Do you want to remain married?

Both: Yes.

Where would you like to see each other a year from now?

Tom: Hopefully having a daughter.

You: True. I would like that.

What about five years from now?

Tom: New and improved.

You: Better at handling our stress.

What is one thing you’ve always loved about the other?

Tom: She’s caring and loving.

You: His passion for the things he loves.

If you could take a vacation, just the two of you, where would you go?

Both: To where we had our honeymoon.

What is something the other does that makes you smile?

Tom: When I see her with Jacob

You: When I see him being in his natural element.

What is your most cherished memory of the two of you?

Tom: When we first bought our house.

You: When we officially became parents.

What is something about your marriage that you wouldn’t change for anything?

Tom: Everything despite the fighting and crying.

You: Same here.

“This is now your last day for marriage counseling. On our first meeting, I asked you where you see yourselves at the end of marriage counseling. Did it happen?” The counselor asked as they looked at the two of you seriously.

You thought about it for a while before looking at each other.

"I think so." You answered. "I'm not really sure."

Tom nodded, "Yes, I'm not sure too."

* * * *

lmao cliffhanger bc there'll be two endings

this took me DAYS to write and i hope you guys enjoyed it! feedback would be lovely x

𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐓𝐎𝐌 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @blueleatherbag @cocoamoonmalfoy @thatforgottenangel @parkerpeter24 @turtoix @slutforsr @givebuckyhisplumsnow @buckys-little-hoe @runawayolives @chewymoustachio @hollandsrecs @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @yourstrulyamour @juliediggory @lharrietg @alexx-stancati @rumplebutterbaby @dummiesshort @spideyspeaches @thevelvetseries @buckymylove @quxxnxfhxll @marvelsimps @dreamy-clousds @bora-world @hunnybunimdun @supred12

𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @holland-styles @trustfundparker @calltothewild @felicityparkers @hufflepuffprincess24 @tommysparker @justasmisunderstoodasloki @quaksonhehe @call-me-baby-gir1 @itstaskeen @theonly1outof-a-billion @lost-in-the-stars03 @justafangirlduh @piscesparker @speedymaximoff @miraclesoflove @lexirv @blairscott @getbywithasmile @pqrkerr @lavender-writer @blackbat2020 @hoodpankow

[tinyboxxtink]

Build Me Up Buttercup *Part 3*

Yay I’m so happy people love this! 

SUMMARY: Summary: You’re an SVU detective, the entire squad is all driving to Hartford Connecticut in your car to interview a victim's family. ROAD TRIP!!!!

If you need to catch up:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Tag List: @wanniiieeee

“...So the last time you saw her was when you dropped her at school, Mrs. Fahey?” Olivia asked the distraught mother.

You and the squad had arrived at the victim’s house later than you had anticipated, sans lunch just like Rafael had predicted. You knew you should be paying attention to the interview, but your blood sugar was tanking by the minute. You tried distracting yourself by glancing at all the photos in the living room. Frames upon frames of the victim, a young 19 year old freshman to NYU, filled the room. Almost like they had made a shrine to her while she was still living. She was clearly their entire world, and now she was missing. Suddenly, all of your phones buzzed with notifications. It was a group text from Dodd’s.

“Oh no…” Amanda whispered.

“What? What happened? Did they find my Mary?” Mrs. Fahey frantically gripped Olivia’s hand.

“Ah….Mr. and Mrs. Fahey maybe we should go somewhere more private,” She replied.

“More private than my living room? You obviously all got the same news, so you might as well tell us here,” Mr. Fahey abruptly said.

“They...did find Mary,” Olivia simply stated. The Fahey's faces lit up for a moment, but then Olivia finished her sentence.

“....Her body was floating in the Hudson.”

That was it. You didn’t know if it was the exhaustion from getting up early and driving, or the fact that you hadn’t eaten more than a stick of gum since last night, but you felt sick to your stomach and your emotions were taking over. You stood up and tried discreetly walking out into the hall from the living room. You thought for half a second to ask where the Fahey’s bathroom was, but clearly now was not the time for that. You could find it yourself; you hoped.

Meanwhile, Barba had noticed you walking out, clearly in distress. His concerned look caught Amanda’s attention, who had also seen you leave. She shrugged at Barba, causing him to ask in a whisper:

“Should I go check on her?”

“Well you clearly want to, so yeah sure,” she whispered back.

“Rollins! She’s your partner!” he hissed.

“Something tells me she’d rather see you,” Amanda smirked.

What was that? Was it obvious he liked you? Was it obvious you liked him? There was no time to dwell on that drama, he was genuinely concerned about you.

He followed your exit out into the hallway, but you had vanished. He cautiously crept down the hallway until he saw a light under a door. As he approached it, he could hear soft sobs coming from the other side.

“....Y/N?”

Your head snapped up from staring at the floor, crying into your knees next to the bathtub. Shit, you had really tried to be discreet. Why did he follow you? This was totally unprofessional, you were sure of it. You stood up and tried wiping the smeared mascara and eyeliner from your teary eyes, but damn you and your love of the smoky eye! You looked like a drowned raccoon; This was a nightmare.

“I-I’m fine!” You called through the door, praying he’d walk away and he wouldn’t have to see your impression of the girl from THE RING.

“...You sure? I heard crying…”

Well, he sure wasn’t subtle, just a “state the facts” kinda guy. You kinda loved that about him, since you were the same way. And if you were being honest with yourself, the fact that he actually came to check on you made your stomach quiver. Okay, something lower quiver.

“Yeah I….stubbed my toe on the tub,” You called through the door, making a “What the fuck was that” face.

“....Yeah I doubt that. Come on just open the door, por favor,”

Oh God. When he used spanish, your knees went weak. Even if it was just a phrase you’d hear on a Rosetta Stone.

“Damn you,” You muttered, but complied with his request. The door peeked open just the tiniest bit so he could see your Picasso painting of a face.

“Oh my god, what happened to your face?!” He asked in a louder tone that caused you to freak out and pull him into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Did you skip sensitivity training in law school or what?” You half laughed with a sniffle; it actually felt good. It might have been just the thing to knock back you to reality.

“I’m sorry, I’m not so good with the...subtle,” He apologized with a sheepish smile.

“Yeah I got that; it’s fine. Neither am I,” You assured him with a soft punch on the shoulder.

“Ok but seriously what happened to your face, you look like La Llorna,” He chuckled, putting his hands on your face and attempting to wipe off the layers of black lining your eyelids.

“Again, so comforting,” You rolled your eyes as he picked up a washcloth next to the sink and wet it to help the situation.

“You’re deflecting, detective,”  he raised an eyebrow as he put the washcloth to your eye. His gentle touch and the warm feel of the washcloth suddenly did actually feel extremely comforting.

“I...I’m just tired,” you lied. Well, in a way it was true.

Rafael’s eyebrow remained raised; that’s exactly what he had said earlier, instead of telling you how he really felt. He was sure you were doing it now.

“Being tired makes you burst into tears?”

“You’ve never been so tired you wanted to cry? Not even in law school?” it was your turn to raise your eyebrow.

“Alright, maybe ONCE in law school....but I waited until I was in the privacy of my own dorm,” He chuckled, you rolled your eyes.

“So…?”

“I just…..” you took a long, hard pause letting out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in. Were you seriously going to do this now? This of all times, of all people, Rafael Barba? Two hours ago you were convinced he hated you, and had probably spoken a total of two sentences in your career at SVU. But at the same time, for whatever reason, you felt completely safe with him. You took another deep breath in and finally spoke:

“It’s just...this girl; Mary. She was just a young girl, she had everything going for her! She was beautiful, smart, obviously worshipped by her parents by that shrine out there,”  you gestured towards where you both had just come from.

“And...and she makes ONE bad decision, one. One moment of wanting to be accepted by the ‘cool kids’ at school by going to a frat party, and it….” you felt a sob catch in your throat.

“...It cost her her life,” you whispered softly.

“Ay….carino, come here,” Rafael sighed and pulled you into his arms, stroking your hair. You both just stayed like that for what felt like forever, but instantaneously you both realized this had gotten insanely intimate for two co workers who barely knew each other. He dropped his arms and cleared his throat, you quickly began running your fingers through your hair as you turned to face the mirror, away from his gaze. God, please. Be more awkward.

“I didn’t want to start losing it out there in front of her parents, they literally just lost their most prized possession. This can’t be about me,” You sighed as you turned back to face him.

“It’s stupid...I’m stupid. I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, it’s totally unprofessional I know,”

“...No it’s not, it’s fine, You’re human,” He assured you, putting a thumb under your chin making you look into his deep green eyes

“Barba? Y/N? Did you get locked in there?”

Sonny’s voice knocked you both from each other’s stare, your faces both turning red. Rafael threw the door open and let you exit in front of him.

“I got sick, Rafael held my hair,” you quickly blurted out, both men’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh. Well, um….Mr. Barba is quite the gentleman,” He looked at Barba trying to hide a disgusted face; thinking about vomit made him queasy. “You ok now?”

“Yeah! Fine, hungry actually,” You half smiled as they followed you to the front door where the others were waiting,

“I’m so, so sorry again Mr. and Mrs. Fahey,” Olivia held Mrs. Fahey’s hand. “You take as long as you need to before coming to the city to…”

“Identify our daughter’s body, detective. No use pussyfooting around it.” Mr. Fahey was blunt once again.

“Right,” Olivia nodded.

“I’ll take the morning off tomorrow, we’ll be by then,” he replied gruffly.

“Okay. Whenever. No Rush,” Olivia waved one last time as the door closed. You all walked silently to the car, you broke it with a deep sigh.

“....Does that ever get any easier?” You asked, looking at each face of the members of your squad.

“Honestly? If you're a good cop, no.” Fin replied.

“The day you stop caring is the day you should quit.” Sonny added.

“God I’m starving, can we please get food? And drinks?” Amanda whined.

“Well, I sure could use a drink! Or five,”  you laughed.

“That’s another thing to watch out for, rookie,” Fin paused, taking your shoulder.

“What’s that?”

“Don’t drown your problems in a bottle, That can go downhill real fast,” Fin warned.

“That’s why it’s super important to have a squad you can trust. That you can talk to,” Olivia came up and put her hand on your other shoulder.

“Well, so far so good,” you half smiled.

“Seriously guys, can we get some food? Barba’s starting to look like a rotisserie chicken right now,” Sonny licked his lips.

“Alright alright Carisi, get in the car ya five year old,” Fin punched him in the arm.

As you went to the driver’s side of the car, Rafael stopped next to you.

“Do you want me to drive?” He offered. You usually never let anyone touch your baby, but you literally felt as if you could pass out just standing there.

“Please,” You smiled, tossing him your keys.

You got in your passenger’s seat and closed your eyes, finally relaxing for the first time since you left the City.

What awaited you on the other side of your nap?

[pterodactylterrace]

Title: I’ll Catch You (sequel to Falling)

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

Length: 1600+ words

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, awkwardness, barely proofread. 

Another day, another round of fasting cardio. I have to admit, I've been preferring the hiking trails lately. Probably because of the woman I'd met over a month ago. The way she looked at me... like a caged animal. Something wasn't right. Something was amiss with that mystery woman.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning some valiant white knight rescue of a woman I've met once. Ok, I've thought about it once or twice. However, I was just wanting to make sure she was alright. In all meanings of the word. I'd noticed her flinch. The way she wouldn't let me near her, even though she clearly needed help. Someone's hurt her, and I've been making myself sick over it since I let her leave.

What if something happened when she got back? I had no way of knowing if she had a safe place to return to. Had she gone back to her abuser and suffered more because of me? I can't help feeling guilty. I just wanted to see her one more time, to make sure she was alright.

So, that brings us back to today. To the same hiking trail I'd literally run into her before. It was a long shot, but I kept coming back just in case she would be here again. Even if she did come back, it was foolish to think she would return at the same time of day again. Not after what happened last time.

The good thing about being here so early, however, was being able to let Kal off his lead to snuffle around the trail and flounce about to his heart's content while I jogged. Not many other people were here at this hour, so no one to pull his attention away and have him running off to steal cuddles.

He took off ahead as we neared the stream, no doubt wanting a chance to splash around before we moved on. I slowed to a stop as I reached the small embankment, peering down as my loyal companion rolled around the mud and splashed in the water. Well, that's another bath for him, then.

"Come on, pig. You're muddy enough." I chided, carefully sliding down the slick hill to reach him. He was all to happy to see me, bounding right up and flopping around me in a dance of pure glee, flinging the muck about as he went. Great, now we're both covered in mud.  "Kal, come on." I groaned, reaching out for his collar only to have him dash away to the water again.

"Kal!" I repeated, more firmly this time, giving him a commanding look. "That's enough, it's time to go." Why wasn't he listening today? Sure, he can be a bit stubborn, but he's never outright ignored me before. I stopped short of going to fetch him myself and giving him a stern lecture about listening when I heard a sound behind me.

Like magic, there she was, accelerating down the slippery hill I'd just descended not two minutes before, but judging from her less than pleased yelps of surprise, she wasn't doing it on purpose. I acted before I even had time to think, moving myself in front of her and letting her slam into my chest, effectively stopping her downhill tumble.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" She gasped, trying to regain her footing. All she managed to do, however was make me to lose my balance and flop onto my backside into the muck, her landing on me again only a moment later.

"Gravity seems to have it out for us." I joked, gently helping her to her knees, finally looking back into her eyes. I wasn't imagining things. It really was her. She still looked so scared. I don't know who did this to her, but I hate them. No one should put that look in someone's eye.

"I- I'm sorry! I heard someone yelling so I went to see what it was and I just slipped." She explained quickly, trying again to stand, her foot shooting out from beneath her and sending her toppling right back on top of me.

"Shit! Sorry!" She gasped, still wiggling against me in a vain to get back up.

"It's alright." I groaned, shifting to remove her hipbone from my groin. Her last topple had a less than stellar landing spot. At least my nuts kept her hip from getting hurt. "Let's just hold still for a minute." I suggested, realization slowly dawning over her face.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered again, freezing on top of me, out of fear or consideration, I'm not quite sure.

"Accident's happen." I sighed, slowly moving up to my elbows, lifting her frame right along with me. "Good to see you're alright."

"I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?"

"Nope, I'm fine." I assured, helping her to her feet before standing myself, Kal happily padding his way over to us, snuffling eagerly at her hand. No doubt looking for treats, that piggy.

"Oh, hello." She greeted, stroking his head gently. "Are you what he was fussing about?"

"Yes, he decided he wanted to play in the mud. Guess we all ended up playing in it today." I joked, taking my chance to slip the lead back onto his collar.

"Oh, silly dog." She chided, scratching behind his ear in a way that had him craning his neck and falling over.

"Would you... like to walk with us back to the start of the trail?" I offered, my mouth acting before my brain had time to think. Something about seeing her being so sweet to someone who meant so much to me just made my brain short circuit.  

"Sure." She agreed, never taking her eyes off Kal. Quick question. Is it normal to be jealous of your dog? I am most certainly jealous of my dog right now. I really wish she would look at me like that. So relaxed and calm and... so happy.

"Kal. go on." I instructed, nodding up the mud covered hill. He bounded up it without even a second thought, dragging the leash through the mud as he went. Great. I trotted up next, looking back down to see our mystery companion staring dumbstruck at the hill. "Need some help?" I offered, kneeling down to offer a hand.

I barely heard her soft 'thank you' as I pulled her up. Such a frail looking thing. She seemed to do everything she could to shrink away and make herself smaller. Why would anyone want to do this to her?

I let her hold Kal's lead as we walked back to the trail head, my stupid brain desperately trying to come up with something to say. I should ask her to get coffee after. There's a dog friendly place not far away, and Kal seems to be the ticket to gaining her attention. But we're all three covered in filth, no way she'd go for that right now. I could ask her to meet up later... but she probably won't show up then. Especially if I can't come up with something to say. Waiting until I bumped into her on the trail again wasn't an option, either. Last time it had taken over a month to see her again.

Do I talk about Kal? That would probably be a good idea. Do I just start babbling, or do I wait for her to say something first? No, idiot, she's not going to say anything first. She hasn't said a word the entire time we've been walking. So how do I start talking? Tell her his name, my name, my address, phone number and give her my passport? That's a touch over the top. Get it together, Cavill! The trail head is less than a five minute walk from here. Just say something.

"I seem to like you." I blurted out, my eyes widening in horror when I realized what I had said. "I mean he... Kal. He really likes you. I mean, so do I, you're a very attractive woman, but you just seem to like him more, and he really likes you too." I babbled, putting my foot deeper and deeper into my mouth as I went along. I really need to put "learn to talk to pretty girls" on my to do list. Right after I finish my latest warhammer figurine. Or never. Never is a much less intimidating timeline.

It's so much easier when they just throw themselves at me. I don't have to pretend I'm not a giant nerd and a bumbling dork when they lead the conversation. Wait, are nerds still attractive right now? That was a thing, right? I could show her my custom PC. If she likes nerds, she'll definitely like that. Wait, no, that's creepy.

"Are you ok?" Her voice stopped my inner monologue.

"Yes, I'm fine. How are you?" I replied entirely too quickly, overly eager to have her continue talking. Her voice was so soft and sweet.

"You're... acting strange." She mumbled, her body regaining it's earlier stiffness, like a rabbit ready to bolt at any second. Great, my blundering just ruined everything.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just..." I stopped, forcing myself to take a breath. Man up, Cavill. It's now or never. "Would you like to meet up again tomorrow for a walk?"

"Umm... I don't know." She mumbled, absently stroking Kal's head again. There's my opening.

"I can bring Kal along. I'll give him a bath first. Myself as well. Actually. I plan on taking a shower, I don't normally take baths. Showers are just easier. Baths are nice for relaxing but not for getting clean." Right back to my embarrassing rambling.

"That... that would be nice." How did that just work? Perhaps she finds awkward rambling endearing? Or it made me less intimidating. No one is intimidated by a moron. I have got to figure out how to talk to girls, and fast. I have what I'm calling a date tomorrow.

[justmeandmysickies]

Moving sucks

characters: Sungjin and Soyong warnings: fainting, emeto, hospitals (once again sounds worse than it is)

note 1: Sungjin has a heart condition, which has lead him to pass out on several occasions.

note 2: everything in italic are Sungjin's thoughts

Soyong sighed. “Where is it?”

“Okay what the fuck is it this time?” Sungjin snapped at his boyfriend.

It really wasn’t his fault. Moving was always stressful and Soyong had sighed about 20 times in the last five minutes because he was looking for something, and Sungjin was sick of it. And on top of that the dull ache in his head Sungjin had woken up with was getting worse by the second and he really only wanted to get this whole moving-thing over with.

“Stop being annoyed, will you? You promised you’d be nice today. It’s bad enough you yelled at Naoko earlier – even though him and Sevan where nice enough to help us move in today. You’re lucky he doesn’t take your moods too seriously.”

“This is not a mood! Moving is stressful so I’m allowed to be stressed!” Sungjin defended.

Soyong rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Yes, you’re allowed to be stressed, cause so am I – but you’re not allowed to be a dick!”

“How am I being a dick? I’m the only one carrying shit, if you haven’t noticed.”

“Excuse me? Don’t act like you’re the only one working!” Soyong raised his voice slightly, making it obvious to his boyfriend that he was serious. “You wanted to carry the heavy boxes! If that was a problem for you, you should’ve told me! We wouldn’t be having these fights if you’d just try to actually communicate with me every once in a while!”

“Communicate? Maybe if you’d just stop talking every now and then, I could try to!”

That was a low blow and Sungjin knew it. If there was one thing Soyong was insecure about, it was his personality. Specifically the fact, that people often found him annoying because he liked to talk.

Soyong was obviously hurt and now even more irritated.

“God, you are such a – ugh – forget it, I need a break.” Soyong threw his arms up in defeat and promptly left through the front door of their new apartment.

Sungjin sighed. Great. He’d already pissed off his boyfriend and they weren’t even fully moved in yet. Way to go champ.

He knew he’d have to apologize. He would. Definitely. Right after this god-awful wave of dizziness passed. But it wasn’t passing. Why wasn’t it passing?

And suddenly he was feeling hot all over. Too hot. Fanning himself, Sungjin decided to take his hoodie off.

And that’s when things really started to go downhill.

As soon as he pulled the fabric over his face, a wave of vertigo crashed over him. What in the world was going on?

The floor was coming closer. Okay, now that was just ridiculous. There was no way the floor was coming closer.

Ouch. What the hell? Oh – he was on the floor now. And it wasn’t even that hard. Actually quite comfortable. Maybe he’d just take a nap right here. Yep, a nap sounded heavenly right now, his eyes were so damn heavy. Closing them for a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, right?

“You know wha-“ Soyong paused mid-word as he saw his boyfriend on the floor, limbs sprawled out awkwardly. “Baby?”

What was that? He knew that voice from somewhere. Although he could barely hear it over the cotton in his ears.

“Baby, open your eyes, please.”

Now that was just rude. Someone was shaking him. Why were they shaking him?

Sungjin slowly blinked his eyes open to look at his offender. Deep brown eyes were looking down at him and they looked- worried? Who was that and why were they worried? And why the hell was he on the floor again?

God, if he just weren’t so dizzy, maybe he could remember.

Soyong was positively freaking out. He had actually come back to give Sungjin a piece of his mind, and he’d definitely not expected to find his boyfriend lying in the floor, barely conscious.

He sat in front of Sungjin, putting the taller man’s legs onto his shoulders so they were elevated. His boyfriend wasn’t entirely passed out, but Soyong could see that he was close.

“Baby, keep your eyes open, please. You’ll feel better in a second just give your body some time.” Soyong spoke, hoping his boyfriend could hear and actually understand what he was saying.

Sungjin groaned and took his hands up to cover his face. God, why the hell was it so bright?

“I’ll close the blinds in a second babe, but I need to make sure you don’t pass out as soon as I leave.” Soyong spoke calmly, as he rubbed circles with his thumb on Sungjin’s thigh, hoping to provide some comfort.

Oh, he hadn’t realized he’d said that out loud.

The cotton in his ears was slowly fading, along with the blurriness in his vision. Now that he was coming back to, however, the pain in his skull seemed to have intensified tenfold.

Sungjin looked around confusedly. Oh right. He got awfully hot and dizzy and now he was on the floor, his boyfriend looking down at him worriedly. He must’ve blacked out. Wow, that hadn’t happened in a while.

Suddenly he became all too aware of just how bright the damn sun was. A new feeling settled heavily in the pit of his stomach. Nausea. “God, baby. Please close the blinds, it’s too bright, I can’t-“ He was cut off by a powerful retch. White hot pain exploded behind his eyes making Sungjin yelp.

Soyong set his boyfriends legs down and quickly went to close the blinds. Another retch followed by a pained groan and a splashing sound made the purple-haired man spin around. Surely enough, his boyfriend had just lost his lunch all over their new living room floor.

Sungjin was still heaving when he felt a gentle hand rubbing up and down his spine. However, he hadn’t forgotten what happened earlier. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, the floor can be cleaned, don’t worry.” Soyong answered as sweet as ever.

“That’s not what I meant.” Sungjin straightened up slightly, determined to look his boyfriend in the eyes. “I’m sorry about before. I was being a dick and you didn’t deserve that.”

Soyong’s eyes widened. How could he possibly care about that right now? “It’s fine. I know how you can get, and I love you regardless. But my point stands: communication is key and you kinda suck at it. If you would’ve told me, you didn’t feel well, maybe this entire thing could’ve been prevented.”

Sungjin knew his boyfriend meant what he said but his tone was gentle and loving. Jin felt save with him and he’d never stop being grateful for that. “Yes, I know. I’ll try to be better; I promise.”

Soyong smiled. “I know you will. And by the way, this wasn’t caused by your heart, was it? ‘Cause your pulse is fast but it’s not that fast.” He spoke, leading the conversation back to the more urgent topic of his boyfriend almost passing out.

“Uhm no, I don’t think so. It felt different – I don’t know what it was.” Another wave of pain shot through Sungjin’s skull, and he moaned as he desperately clutched at his temples. “My head is killing me.” He whispered pitifully.

Soyong lowered his voice accordingly as he spoke. “Okay, we’re going to the hospital. I’m not taking any chances.”

Sungjin threw up once more in the car, groaning in pain with every heave. Soyong bit his lip in worry.

At the hospital, Naoko, who had just started his shift, immediately went over to the pair, confused as to what had happened. Soyong explained the situation and Sungjin was taken away rather quickly.

Luckily, it turned out that nothing was seriously wrong with the brunette. He was apparently dealing with a bad migraine and the stress of moving and their earlier fight had really taken their toll on his body. Both Soyong and Naoko were more than relieved to hear that he’d have to stay the night for monitoring but could be taken home in the morning.

Now Soyong was sitting in a chair next to the sleeping form of his boyfriend – the heart monitor beeping steadily (Soyong would say ‘annoyingly’) in the background. He sighed to himself as he decided that next time, they’d hire a moving company. He was never going to do this shit again.

[sparklingchan]

Tipsy Turvy || Choi San(Ateez)

Pairing : Reader (fem.) x Choi San

Word count : 5k+

Warnings : Cuss words , alcohol , hangover , mentions of over drinking, not proof read.

Genre : Fluff , a tiny bit of angst , romance , friends to lovers au.

Description : You have a complicated relationship with San , and the alcohol in your system makes it worse ( or better).

Author's Note : So with all honesty , I have NO idea how people behave when drunk so I searched it up and wrote this 90%  based on that ( and 10% on  my friends’ advice). I hope at least one of y’all get the horrible pun in the title  -_-

Please do reblog , like and comment if you like this. My DMs are also open so if you want to gimme a review , feel free.

Enjoy!

The coffee in the cup must have gone cold by now, because the moment you touch it’s surface ,you don't feel the same sting as you did a few minutes ago.

Not that it tasted good anyway. You're almost glad you didn't have to drink it but maybe, right now, you could use a sip or two to spare yourself a few seconds of peace.

"The coffee is wonderful, isn't it? It's my favorite one." The man in front of you - Mike - needs to seriously give you a break, or else there will be blood on the streets. Literally, "I'm glad you like it."

Does he not see the clearly disgusted look on your face ? Or was he so sure you'd like this drink just because he ordered it without even asking you?

"Yeah ,its fine." You sigh , touching your lips to the mouth of the cup and then putting it back down. You're not drinking that already tasteless and now cold coffee. No way.

"So ,y/n, since we're expected to give our parents an answer after this date, I'd like to know about your opinions first . And please be honest. I would hate to upset you." He says , scratching his chin .

Your eyes widen at the unexpected string of words. This is the first time since this stupid date began that he actually asked your opinion on anything.

"Well," you begin, your mind filling up with tons of words that you'd waited patiently to let out , "Marriage is a big decision. At least for me. And this is all too fast. I just hope we have enough time to know each other before our parents set the date."

He nods his head , “ I agree, I agree. Its important . Right."

You furrow your brows. His reaction seems very forced. Like he really didn't agree with you , but for the sake of it , he's agreeing.

"And what kind of qualities do you look for in a man,y/n?" You want to roll your eyes at the question but you pull your lips up in a smile, not quiet touching your eyes but enough to convince him. You wonder why he was trying so hard to save a date that had been going downhill from the moment he sat down in front of you. You guys clearly didn't like each other, and the spark was missing.

A spark you'd only ever felt with one person.

"Its difficult to describe ideal types but yeah,I'd like someone who's compatible with me and loving and well.. obviously respectful." You say. Mike chuckles at your answer , as if amused by it, "I was expecting you to say you wanted someone who's rich and handsome like...me , honestly. But it's alright." You wonder if he actually hears himself because he really sounded like a self absorbed piece of shit right now. And you'd really do anything to escape from this date.

"Well , I guess not. " you reply with a chuckle. In all honesty, you yourself don't know what your ideal type is. It's not about the conditions or requirements that a person fulfills. It's not a job , it's a connection. You can't confine people to certain criterias. It defies the whole purpose of that connection. And even if you did have qualities you looked for in a man , everything would always end up pointing at only one damn person. You push his images away even before they can surface into your mind.

"So anyway, as I was saying before the coffee arrived , my dad bought this really pretty yacht for me last month and it's super amazing to - " and you shut him out completely while he continues blabbering and you quietly sip the disgusting coffee in front of you.

You really want to groan now. Like on his face. Putting emphasis on how draining and boring this whole conversation is for you.

But all you do is smile and nod.

You were going to reject him the moment your parents set you up on a date with a ' nice and charming bachelor '. What side of Mike did they find even remotely nice or charming? You would never know. But one thing is sure now ,you will at least not have to deal with your parents pestering you for marriage after you reject Mike.

The weather is extremely humid today , despite it having rained in the morning so without a doubt , you'd spent your day indoors , reading a book and drinking unhealthy amount of fruit punch.

"Are they still upset ? " your parents should have seen it coming ,really. The rejection was as inevitable as the rising of the sun every morning or the setting of the sun in the evening. Yet , your parents are pretty disappointed at the decision even after three days since that stupid date. You , on the other hand are happy to have gotten rid of Mike - even if it meant your parents being angry.

Your younger brother , Jongho ,sighs into the phone, " What do you think? They really thought you'd finally marry now."

You don't really blame them though. Not at all. That's what they were always taught ,weren't they? Graduate high school, finish college ,get a good job and get married. The full circle.That is all they've every known yet you find yourself upset at the fact that they didn't consider your unwillingness to this marriage ( or any other marriage) at all. You're just barely starting to work ,you cannot throw away all of that to be a good wife and daughter in law. Sure Mike is the son of some rich man who does business with your father, but economical relationships cannot be a basis for a marriage.

"Well, I can't help it . I'm not marrying that asshole at any cost. " you huff , " He is so creepy and weird. Let mom and dad stay pressed. I don't care."

"Is it just because you didn't find Mike interesting or something else?" Jongho asks.

"I guess? " you reply, scratching the back of your head.

"You know , y/n, I understand that you don't want to get married and whatever but we both know there's a solid reason behind it and I am sick of you denying it all the time." Jongho is too honest for your liking. Too brutal , no sugarcoated words. Just the truth.

And the truth stings.

"Shut up." You grumble, fiddling with the book in your hands , legs dangling from the edge of your bed, " I told you not to mention it ever again?"

"Y/n, you love him. Okay? You have loved him for seven years now . It is high time you shoot your shot or else you'll end up with some rich asshole who doesn't give two shits about you!"

He's right,of course he is. His words are not really an opinion or a vague prediction of the future. Those are facts. But hearing him say all that out loud makes your blood turn cold in your body. Fear creeping through every inch of your skin , making it hard to think clearly.

"I don't think it matters if I love him or not. I gave up on him. We haven't spoken much ever since college ended. " you say.

" You didn't give up. You just ran away instead of acknowledging it. There's a difference." Jongho replies , " And for your kind information it's only been six months since college got over. You need to stop talking like it was twenty years ago or something. "

You chuckle at his last phrase, grateful that he's trying to uplift the weirdly tense mood. "I don't think I can do it , Jongho. I want to. I really do but I don't think he likes me back." You admit.

"You're delusional if you think he doesn't like you back, y/n. All the late night car drives, movie dates , eating unhealthy food late into the nights - San loves you too. Obviously he does."

You sigh ,running your fingers over the rough page of the book in your lap. 'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.' The words read out. The tightening of your chest increases.

"He was just being nice." You mutter.

Jongho sighs loudly from the other side , "Okay , believe what you want . I can't handle both you and mom-dad together, okay? Spare me your bullshit. Bye."

Wow, talk about being a rude, disrespectful child !

You are usually not the one to point fingers or put blame on other people , but you really despised your best friend right now. And you have every right to do so. Your best friend is the main reason why your parents are so desperately trying to get you married and see you settle down and have kids and whatever. Jisoo is the epitome of every good quality all parents desire in a daughter. She's perfect. Even more than that sometimes.

"How's your husband?" Your question doesn't sound very genuine - the words slipping out of your tongue like they were being forced out. But Jisoo seems to let it go.

"He's good , really good. " She replies ,taking a sip from the only can of cola you had left in your fridge. She passes it over to you.

"How lucky ." You mutter , taking a sip of the same drink.

"I know what you're thinking ,y/n. I know your ass is upset about everything that happened with Mike but things take time. Okay? I married early because I wanted to." she says, reading right through you like you were a book she'd read millions of times ,"If you don't want to marry , don't. Stop blaming yourself for not finding good guys." " I wonder if I'll ever find anyone even remotely nice, Jisoo. The only few guys I've been set up on dates with are not my type and well , Mike ... I don't know. We're just not compatible." You complain , " And besides I'm so terrified of marrying a guy I barely know."

Jisoo sighs , "Then marry a guy you've known for a long time."

"Who are you talking about?" You frown. You know exactly who she is talking about but you want to hear her say it. Say his name which you dare not even repeat to yourself when alone.

"Choi San ,of course. The love of your life ,your sun and stars , your sweetheart. " she says , her dreamy eyes widening to exaggerate her point.

You slap her arm hard , almost a little too hard. But you're convinced that she deserves it. "Ow !" She yells ,rubbing the sore area on her arm.

"That name is forbidden in my vicinity." You say.

Okay ,maybe now you are the one who deserves a slap. On the cheek. You couldn't believe that his name still fills your stomach with butterflies and causes your heart to beat so fast that you feel dizzy even though you claim that you're over him.

"No, it's not, y/n. Come on ,dude. You're still not over him. You will never be unless you confess and face the supposed rejection on your own. Only then you'll find it in yourself to seek other guys , unless that's not what you want." She jabs her finger on your shoulder softly , "That, or you can marry San himself. It's very simple ,really."

Now that she put it that way ,it sounds even more complicated and it sends your mind to a voyage into the sea of memories that you rarely even acknowledged anymore( or at least ,you tried to).

San's pretty eyes and alluring smile , the soft hold of his hand on your arm as you run to the movie halls just five minutes before it closes , the warmth of his hugs that you so dearly loved , his silky black hair that you've wanted to touch on so many occasions and the day you were sure he had leaned in to kiss you but your annoying brother decided to call just at that exact moment. You almost wish you could go back to your university graduation day , and wait a little longer for him after the event got over and tell him that he meant the world to you. More than he could ever imagine. You really wish you had waited that day.

"Jongho has this stupid theory that he likes me too. He's making me even more confused. " you say.

"At least Jongho has more brain cells than you. That kid deserves an award or something." Jisoo replies , chuckling.

"He's not a kid. He's just a year younger than me and you." You deadpan. Great, your best friend and brother are now on the same team.

She rolls her eyes , "Yeah , you are a kid too. Only a kid acts so naive and stupid when everything they've ever wanted is right there in front of them. Hell, even a kid would realise that San loves you !"

Jisoo talks a lot , but her words are never empty or vague. She says whatever she wants to and has to. And she is always able to make a point. But you're a dumb bitch who likes to pretend she's still not in love with her childhood sweetheart and is looking for love somewhere else.

"Anyway, can we go for a drink?"

"Glad you finally asked." Jisoo grabs your arm and drags you out of the house.

Your favorite bar in the entire world has to be the one you've been going to since you were in high school. From your first time drinking to vomiting in its toilet after having way too many vodka shots , from dancing with your friends to crying alone in a corner , that place has seen it all.

Coincidentally( not really), its Jisoo's favorite bar too.

"Okay, y/n. I think you should stop now. That's enough."

Coincidentally also ,you happen to not have a good alcohol tolerance yet an endearing desire to drown your sorrows in those glasses.

"No, I'm not even properly drunk." You whine ,your words only barely making sense to Jisoo. She grabs the glass away from you.

"Come on , let's take you home. " she tries to pull you from your seat , "Can't believe I thought it was a good idea to drink on a weekday."

"No, no, Jisoo. " you resist , pushing her away. " I want to..stay. here. I like it here. It's so warm and cozy . If I go home, I'll cry. I hate home. It's so ugly. Ew. This place is so pretty ."

Your vision is so blurry that your brain can't even form clear images anymore. You see Jisoo's form after squinting hard enough.

"You won't cry. I'll take care of you, y/n. Come on." Jisoo is so insistent you have to hold yourself back from punching her. Her lucky ass would never understand how much in pain your heart is in. And how much the alcohol helps in forgetting all that even just for a few minutes.

"You go home. I'll stay. I'll stay here for as long as I can. Away from all you blood suckers." You slur. And then giggle for no apparent reason.

Jisoo heaves a sigh ,sitting beside you. "Are you going to come with me or do I have to call San to pick you up?"

That was a threat. Jisoo always uses the same one and somehow, it always seems to work. Not today though.

"Hah! Joke's on you ! He doesn't care about me." You point at her face , giggling again.

San? Taking care of you? Funniest joke of the year.

"He does ,y/n. You know he does. What are you being like this?" She asks , rubbing your hand comfortingly. "I see the way he looks at you."

"He probably has a girlfriend already. He always posts romantic shit on Instagram. " you say ,resting your chin on your arm.

"He doesn't have one. I know he doesn't. He probably posts all that for you." She says.

You want to believe her but your brain feels fuzzy and foggy now. Like the sky on winter mornings.

"I want to see San, Jisoo. I miss him. I miss him so much. " you keep muttering under your breath , "Take me to him. I miss him."

Jisoo stares at you - wide eyed and slightly annoyed. Your low alcohol tolerance will get you into serious trouble one day.

"We can see him tomorrow. Let's go home now. Now." She pulls your arm again.

You push her off , "I said I want to see San ! Right now! Take me to him!"

You have never yelled at anyone while in a drunken state before so the sudden increased volume of your voice scares Jisoo. She let's go of your arm.

"Okay, will you come home after meeting San?" Jisoo asks ,taking her phone out to call a cab.

"Yes. No. Depends. I never want to be away from him." You say. "Take me to him , please. I haven't seen him in months. Years. I don't remember how long. Do you think he'll recognize me?"

Shaking her head , Jisoo makes a mental note to never take you out for drinking again.

San lives a few minutes away from your own apartment, but with traffic sometimes it takes almost an hour to reach his apartment.

Today must have been your lucky day because the traffic was almost negligible. Although you don't remember the journey to his house , you do remember his familiar voice greeting you and Jisoo like he had almost expected you both to arrive at his door this late at night.

"She was throwing a tantrum that she wanted to see you. So I brought her here. I hope it's not a problem. " Jisoo says in her sweet voice that she uses on everyone but you and her husband. You scowl.

"Hey, I wasn't throwing a tantrum! " You hit her arm again , but she puts on the fakest smile when San looks at the both of you with a confused face.

"And she's not very sober right now." Jisoo admits ,sighing. San presses his lips in line , observing you as play with the hem of your tshirt and your eyes are focused on his face. You never had so much confidence in a sober state. He knows this because he's seen you like this a million times before and hopefully, if all goes well tonight , he might see this state in the future too.

His stomach does a back flip when you stick out your bottom lip in a cute little pout.

"It's okay. She can stay the night here. I believe you have something important to tell me ,y /n?" San asks, titling his head.

You nod , beaming with happiness. Your eyes never leave his perfect face and his beautiful black hair which he decided to tie in a small ponytail tonight and his toned arms and his breathtakingly sweet dimples as he leads you inside, bidding goodbye to your bestfriend. Jisoo must be very relieved right now ,you think.

"Do you need a glass of water ,y/n?" San asks you , as he takes you gently by the arm to his bedroom. His alert eyes are always on your steps ,making sure you do not trip on anything.

"No. " you giggle. You're so happy to be with him alone at last that you can barely contain it . "I missed you ,San."

He laughs at your words ,shaking his head in disbelief as he makes you sit on his warm ,fluffy bed.

You've always wanted to sit there.

"Waoowww , this bed is so soft. " you swing your legs up and down with a big grin on your face , "I want to sleep on this bed. Oh my god ,awww."

San sees you lean down against the headboard and laugh at the ceiling, pointing out peculiar patterns . You look very content right now ,he notices. Your flushed cheeks , big , curious eyes , messy hair , yet he thinks you look beautiful like this - raw and natural and pretty.

"San! Sit with me, come here." You say , patting the empty space beside you.

San obliges without a question. He pushes you gently to the other side of the bed , himself settling beside you , careful not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

"What it is that you wanted to tell me ?" San questions, his fingers reaching upto your forehead to remove the strands of hair that cover your eyes.

"Promise me you won't be mad. " You hum into his touch ,wanting nothing more than to wrap your arms around his body and snuggle into his chest. But even with alcohol in your system ,you know better than to do that.

"I promise." He replies with a toothy grin. His head leans on the headboard beside yours , his beautiful brown eyes drilling into yours ,making your knees go weak and heart flutter. And if it were possible to replace all blood from your body with physical adoration for Choi San ,you would have done it already. "Pinky promise?" You ask again ,lifting your right pinky up in front of his face.

Sighing , he connects his pinky to yours then pressing your thumbs together, "Pinky promise."

You take a deep breath then as naturally as ever ,the words you've always wanted to say roll out of your mouth , "I like you. "

San's breathing gets stuck in his throat , his whole being as if swallowed into a black hole for a few seconds. He stares at you like you were suddenly someone he'd never seen , never heard of before. Like you were a stranger that caught his eye in the mall. Like a gemstone he'd found while digging the ground. Like a precious falling star on a cloudy night.

"I-I mean we have known each other for sometime now. It's normal that you like me. As a friend." He stammers.

You roll your eyes , " I did not mean as a friend ,you idiot. I meant I like you as a man. You're so stupid, gosh." You punch his arm.

His heart skips a beat. He'd always known deep down his heart that this confession would happen one day or the other - but he had always hoped it would be him to say it first ,not you. His ego is a teeny tiny bit hurt.

"I know you don't like me , " you whine , your excited tone now suddenly switching into a sad one , " I know you won't date me."

San frowns at this new melancholic side of yours.

"Why would you think that?" He asks.

"I just know ,okay?" You say ,tears filling your eyes , " And that's why I agreed to an arranged marriage."

"You must have met someone nice then?" He takes his hand in yours.

Jongho was right - you love him. So much that it hurts to look at him ,knowing that one day you'll have to marry a man who isn't him. It hurts like someone is pressing a hot metal rod onto your skin.

You start sobbing.

"No! Of course not ! I don't want anyone but you! " You yell , a little too loud , " But my parents are still insistent about it. How do I tell them that I can't marry anyone else because I'm so in love with you?"

That's another new piece of information for San. But this one makes his heart drop into the deepest pits of his stomach , making him go numb for a few seconds. You were almost taken away from him, just because he'd always put your relationship in a complicated situation. You had almost held someone else's hand on the alter. You had almost ended up in someone else's arms.

The image of you with another man nauseates him and he decides to stop being a coward . Right now ,right at this moment .

"I like you ,too, you idiot." He says , not quite meeting your teary eyes." Don't go find anyone else. I'm here. I really am ,y/n."

His sincere voice washes over you like the first showers of monsoon - refreshing and enchanting. You feel like melting into a puddle under his gaze.

"I wasn't planning on anyway. " You sniff and rub your tears away. He leans in closer to your face , rubbing your cheekbones with the pad of his thumb. And you , being the shameless person you are , stare at his kissable, pink lips. If you lean in a little more , they'd touch and you could finally kiss him. You really want to . Would he mind ?

He presses a soft kiss on your forehead , pulling you into his warm embrace.

"I want to go to sleep and wake up like this every morning." You mumble into his chest , your hand playing with the hem of his t-shirt. "We will. I promise." he replies. The thought itself makes him feel warm inside , "I'll talk to your parents about the arranged marriage thing. They love me more than they would any other guy out there."

Your parents in fact do love San. Whenever they met him , they'd be filled with praises for him. Although a little jealous , you could easily see why San was so easy to like.

"You smell so nice." You say abruptly , drowsiness slowly taking over you , your eye lids getting heavier by the minute.

San's chest vibrates as his laugh fills the room , "Thank you, y/n."

"Will you be here when I wake up? You aren't going to run off, right? " You are just spewing out random sentences at this point but he doesn't complain either way. He likes this honest and vulnerable side of you.

"I'll be right here. Don't worry. " he whispers ,running his fingers through your hair , "But I'm pretty sure you won't remember anything tomorrow ."

You laugh, a big hearty laugh as you finally find enough courage to lightly wrap your arm around his torso. "I'll remember, San . I never forget."

San rubs your head soothingly , smiling to himself, knowing that even if you forget about it in the morning , he'll really be there to remind you of it. He'll be there by your side, as he always has been.

Every hangover is like a cycle that includes pain , regret and a promise to never drink so much again yet you somehow always seem to be struggling with the last one.

And the inevitable headache that follows makes you feel like someone had thrusted millions of knives in your head.

It hurt. Badly.

You stir in your position ,groaning at your throbbing head.

"Woah , good morning , sleepy head." San purrs into your ears , his early morning voice sending chills down your spine.

Wait. San? Choi San? With you in his arms? On a bed?

You sit up at the speed of a lightning bolt , breaking away from his warm embrace and crawling to the farthest corner of the bed. You look around the room , your heartbeat in your throat , taking in the unfamiliar surroundings that reminded you of what you might have done while in a drunken state.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Your eyes scan San, his sleepy face pressed to the pillow and his lips curved in a smile. His white t-shirt hangs loose from his shoulder, exposing the skin near his collarbone and his black, messy hair covering half of his face.

And even in panic mode , your first thought is that he looks ethereal with that early morning glow. Is this what being whipped really means?

"Y/n, don't tell me you forgot what happened last night. " he says ,visibly annoyed. He forces himself up in a sitting position as he runs his fingers through his messy hair.

You look away from him , adrenaline rushing through your veins as you try to recall last night's episode. Surely ,you didn't sleep with him since both of you are fully clothed and you didn't feel sore anywhere. Thankfully.

"Y/n? " he calls you again but you don't reply because your brain is way too occupied at the moment.

You remember the sound of a very weird combination of words leaving your mouth last night and an even weirder combination of words leaving his. And that's when it hits you - you had confessed to him. Full on movie style. All those years of daydreaming and trying to keep everything a secret gone into vain , your heart placed naked in front of him.

"Oh fucking hell." You hold your head in between your hands ,closing your eyes.

Maybe this was all a dream and if you focused hard enough ,you'd wake up in your bed , alone and yearning for the man supposedly in front of you. But that would still be better than this.

"Y/n, it's alright. You don't have to be embarrassed. " San says, inching closer to you.

You sigh. It's not a dream and you have to face him now.

"I-I'm sorry for whatever I said last night. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable at all. I don't know what had gotten into me." You say, rubbing your forehead.

By now , San is kneeling right in front of you, his galaxy filled eyes never leaving yours.

"I should be sorry , you idiot." He says , gently tapping your forehead ," if I wasn't such a coward and had confessed to you earlier , everything would have been different now. But better late than never , right?"

You gulp hard.

Now is the time to wake up , y/n, I'm going to be super pissed if this turns out to be a dream, you wonder to yourself.

"So..what you're saying is - "

"I like you , yes. Not as a friend , not as a classmate. I like you as a woman and if you agree to this ," San leans in dangerously closer , "Then I'll like you as a girlfriend, too."

You didn't need time to agree to this. You didn't need a second thought. You only need a small tug at your heartstring , which happened everytime you see his eyes focused on you and only you.

"Yes." You say.

His face breaks into a massive grin as he wraps his arms around you , with yours around his torso. You can feel the fast beating of his heart against your cheek as you snuggle into his chest .

"Thank you. Thank you so much." He whispers into your hair. Your cheeks are burning red by now but it's alright. It's a good type of burning. You can come to like it in the near future.

You don't know how long it is before he finally decides to pull away , much to your dismay.

"I'm going to make breakfast . Are pancakes okay with you?" He says , his arms by his side but his body still close to yours.

"Yeah. Obviously. " You loved his pancakes, as a matter of fact. Once, Jongho had even forced you to confess to San during your college years just so he could eat those delicious pancakes whenever he wanted to.

"Okay. You can go freshen up in the bathroom by then." He then unexpectedly takes your face in his hands , inching closer to yours with every passing second, " Don't miss me too much though."

You pout, playing along , " I already do."

And just like that , he presses his soft , luscious lips to yours, enveloping them in a quick kiss.

"Bye." And just like that too , he runs away into the kitchen , avoiding confronting what had just happened while you are left frozen and shocked and petrified and all synonyms of those words in the English dictionary.

But you hear him hum his favourite song softly from the kitchen and your shoulders relax.

Relax , y/n , you tell yourself , it's just San and he is your boyfriend now.

[itburnedlikesummer]

Just personal musings that I feel like writing down and don’t feel like making a private blog to do so. 

Most days feel akin to a roller coaster. This last week was... rough, to say the least. I worked 47 hours (plus walked 1 hr + each day, 20 minutes downhill, 40 minutes uphill from work), came home to an apartment that sorely needed cleaning that I had no energy to clean, and had to deal with feelings inside of me that I’d been bottling up that decided to unleash themselves.

There have been good things too, though. The kids and I are finally hitting a stride. The newfound consistency I’ve been able to bring to the classroom has really helped them, and regardless of how often I feel as though I should be doing more it’s clear by the change from December (last month with old head teacher) to now (after 6 weeks with me as head teacher) that they’re definitely adjusting better than anyone thought and they’re starting to make strides.

I have gotten to spend most of the week with one of the best assistant teachers we have, and her and I were able to talk about stuff (both work and personal) and I feel a kinship with her. Unfortunately she’s an infant room assistant, primarily, so once my normal assistant comes back from sick leave on Monday I likely won’t see her much or at all. But she let me get something off my chest that I’ve been holding on to for.. months .. and it felt nice.

I cleaned the kitchen today!!!! Wiped down the counters, did up ALL of the dishes and everything. It may not seem like a big feat, but honestly the relief I feel from seeing it look so clean is a welcomed feeling. Also took out trash, bottles, and got groceries today. And made dinner! Poutine, which hit the spot perfectly. I have some more cleaning to do tomorrow (and SO much laundry), but I’m proud of what I got accomplished today.

I took a step back from the writing group I’m in this week and I already fucking miss it, even though I wasn’t actively writing. But I’m still not sure that mentally I’m ready to go back. I’ve confronted a lot of what was bothering me in general, to myself at least, but I’m not sure... idk. I feel weird even saying that. Writing is my stress relief. but some days I feel like an outsider looking in on a friend group. It’s... hard to explain, and hard to deal with sometimes. Hopefully a few more days away will bring me to the realization that I’m being silly and all will be well again.

Also I know I sound like a broken record but holy fuck do I miss writing with Trav. But as much as he says he’s willing to... when I try to plot with him he says he’ll look into it and then doesn’t? And I’ve tried to tell him how frustrating that is, but he’s battling his own shit right now too so I dunno if he’s even really hearing what I’m saying.

J’s plans to move back to Maine and starting to get rolling, and the more days pass without T having a job the more nervous I am about our ability to keep this place. Things will work out the way they’re supposed to, but fuck... idk.

Upside: Philly does genuinely feel like home. I miss my friends and family in Maine, but I’m eternally grateful I took the leap of faith and moved here with Trav. It was the right choice, and continues to be the right choice.

He and I celebrated 5 years earlier this month. Or... ‘celebrated’ is a bit of an exaggeration but we’ve been together for 5 years and for someone that ‘doesn’t do commitment’ that’s a pretty big deal imho. I love him, so so much.

I’ll probably add more to this or write more later, with other things I’m not ready to get off my chest yet. But this felt good. Sometimes you need to just write it all out somewhere.

[slightlymore]

cute~

- a pride spin-off -

pairing: haechan x mark

other characters: doyoung, jaemin, jungwoo, onew (??? only bc I needed a name 😔)

genre: angst!! smut! fluff!!! one-shot, company!au (you can read this without reading "pride" first but make sure to read at least the little synopsis below, just to have some kind of context for the first part)

warnings: 18+, language, sexual activities, alcohol, drunk characters

words: 14K (oops)

for those who didn’t read pride and don't want to: doyoung and y/n are in love with each other but because of a series of unfortunate events (them being stupid) they can’t be together. doyoung leaves her after college and starts working at haechan’s company while being miserable; the two boys become enemies/friends. everything goes relatively well until one day y/n makes an appearance and starts working there as well. doyoung and y/n finally get (their shit) together and become a couple. haechan is the happy friend witnessing all of that and this is his story

(the photo was meant to be a shitpost but now I kinda like it lmaooo)

The phone rang for the millionth time that morning, a piercing and resounding noise, making Haechan unable to hear his own thoughts. The boy groaned. It was only 10 am yet everyone suddenly needed to speak with him. Haechan would have loved to spend his workday gossiping on the phone. Maybe chit-chatting about everyone. Listening to his colleagues talk about George's new too-expensive-for-his pockets-but-he's-an-idiot car, or the scandalous hairstyle Alex tried out to impress his already-married-and-twenty-years-older flame, or to hear how someone heard from someone else that somebody had sex with someone somewhere. But not that day. Haechan was exhausted, physically, and mentally, head buried between his arms, the white noises of the office almost putting him to sleep. The infernal device stopped ringing for a second and the young man sighed relieved before it rang again soon after. Haechan whined, almost sobbing, while lightly hitting his forehead on the desk. A soft 'what the fuck' made him raise his face with pained eyes squinting from the sudden too much light. "Are you alright?", the same voice asked, his desk neighbour inquiring. "Mind your own business, Owen", Haechan mumbled and finally put one hand on the phone while massaging the base of his nose with the other. "... my name is Onew", the dude whispered offended, but Haechan's little attention was already drifting away. A female voice said something that Haechan couldn't catch but to which he replied with a short "yeah, thanks", having figured out the words "intern" and "acceptance" through her quick mumbling. When he first heard the news during the beginning of the year reunion, Haechan was ecstatic, to say the least. They said he was responsible and could handle taking care of an intern making Haechan's shoulders widen at the compliments. Also, having an innocent soul to bother for a few months? It meant some company and less work for himself. Paradise. But Haechan had already forgotten about the joy he felt before. He had been feeling weird for a while now and he hated it. The previous night he didn't go home after Doyoung and Y/N left the company building. He listened to them talk for an excruciating period while pretending to sleep. It was beautiful, choked voices and raw confessions, and he felt like the third wheel in his own life. When Haechan walked out of his office one day, months before that, with the intention of "grabbing something important from somewhere" (or taking a break while making it pass as work) and heard the loud bang of the neighbour office door, he didn’t think that his life would go spiralling down from that moment on. It took him days. No, it took him weeks, maybe months, before the uncomfortable feeling creeping on him, making his spine shiver and palms sweat could be classified as something real by his brain. As a feeling. Sitting down on his chair, tired fingers tapping away at the keyboard for hours, he would suddenly feel this ungodly urge to get up and go to that office again as if an obscure force possessed him. To do what? To see a pair of angry eyes. Angry and full of pain. They were beautiful: round but also angled, dark but also light, absent as if looking at anything but their surroundings. Looking at something only they could see. That thing, sadly, was never Haechan. The boy tried everything to be seen by them. Being friendly, being funny, being helpful. Then he tried being rude. To his immense joy, the latter worked better, as if those eyes hatched such an enormous amount of anger that they had to spill some onto someone. And Haechan didn’t mind being that someone if it also meant being the object of those eyes’ attention at the same time. Then he realized that he didn’t want to see only the eyes. Something else was fighting for Haechan’s regard. Pink and soft looking, often stretched in a line, sometimes forming a pout. God, Haechan would have done everything to be able to touch those lips even once, even for a second. And he did it during his most feverish dreams. The first time, he woke up panting, ashamed, shaken to the core, the feeling of that soft skin still ghosting his own lips. The second time Haechan raised a trembling hand and touched the place where his subconsciousness created such a realistic scenario. He caressed it slowly, laying in that obscure slumber, silently, afraid to wake up his rational side. The third time he didn’t need to dream. He just imagined, shamelessly. His lips got kissed and his name was pronounced with such lust and desire to leave Haechan panting. So real, as if Doyoung whispered that while being beside Haechan in his room. It took Doyoung a few good weeks to call Haechan by his name in real life. When he finally did it, he wasn't even scolding him. No. From weird conjunction of stars, Haechan didn’t need to do something to gain Doyoung’s attention that day. He was in the photocopying room. One hand was mindlessly using the machines, the other was warmly hugging a mug of coffee. His slowly descending glasses were being pushed back by one of his fingers when a fluttering shadow appeared behind him. Haechan’s hands stopped as if his crawling skin could physically predict the future.   “Haechan”, Doyoung said. Just like that, sweet and soft. And the boy with that name let his coffee mug fall to the ground. Oh. “Haechan!” Doyoung repeated. “What the hell?” Yes. Yes. Haechan. That’s me. That’s my name on your lips. Say it again. “Haechan! You’re doing this on purpose now”. Doyoung stood tall with hands on his hips, looking at the way Haechan was failing to grab his mug, letting it comically slip from his hands, again and again, new coffee stains covering the carpet. I just love how my name sounds in your mouth. I don't want you to stop. Please. “Oops”, Haechan chuckled, the mask he carefully crafted for Doyoung easily slipping on his face, and despite everything, Doyoung rolled his eyes with a little smile himself. “You’re such an idiot”. Oh fuck. That. Haechan almost forgot. The boy could drown in the light that Doyoung’s face emitted when he was smiling. It would dissipate for a split second the darkness lingering around him and it was Haechan’s doing. Haechan did that. It made his little heart buzz every time and soon enough he started to fantasize about a day in which Doyoung would not have that expression line between his eyebrows anymore. And it arrived eventually. Haechan realized everything would go downhill for himself when he got blinded by Doyoung’s soul. He could see it before as well but not this way. Not while the older man's cheeks got red and his pupils were trembling. And Haechan understood soon what that was because a sick person recognizes another sick person easily. Was Haechan like that as well? Were his cheeks flushed and eyes glossy every time he looked at Doyoung? Ah, Doyoung’s soul. He took it out so suddenly and poured it into that girl’s hands. Haechan felt like dying. No. No, wait. It's supposed to go like this. I should be there. I worked so hard. I endured so much. It can’t end like this. This is my story. Isn’t it? And it was, but not the type of story Haechan imagined. In this universe it ended in him being alone, bones cold and empty, looking at Doyoung’s back as he carried his love in his arms. Haechan stayed back there, motionless, no arms holding him. He bit his lips for a little while, looking around the office as if not knowing on which planet he was. Then he crouched down and cried. He was tired. Yeah, he was just tired. It has been a long week and a long day. He was exhausted. That was the reason. Haechan, you're good. Just get a good night sleep. You’ll be fine. Now get up and go home. And he did that. Like a robot. He was alone inside the 4 am metro, blinding, fluorescent lights burning his fatigued eyes. His feet dragged him towards his apartment although he found himself knocking on Jaemin's door instead. Jaemin was a weird guy and Haechan loved him dearly. He just never slept. Every time Haechan called him, he somehow was wide awake doing some random shit. Haechan hoped that he didn't suddenly change his habits because he desperately needed some arms to crash into. And Jaemin opened the door as expected, a popsicle between his lips, eyes wide and bright. Haechan stepped inside and took the snack away, putting his lips on Jaemin's instead, pushing him against the wall, letting the coldness of Jaemin's tongue numb his thoughts. And he let the popsicle fall from his fingers when Jaemin wrapped him between his arms, guiding him towards the bedroom, no questions asked, no romance. I need a distraction right now, Haechan's whole being was screaming and Jaemin was good at reading people. Quickly and effortless, clothes sliding down, Haechan's mind finally lingered in a grey bliss as the only thing he could think of was the way Jaemin rolled his hips into him, sending shots of pleasure through his whole body. But then Haechan's slipped. "Doyoung-", he whimpered then gasped, eyes wide with horror and cheeks reddening. Jaemin didn't care if Haechan called other guys’ names but when Haechan put his palms on his face, chest rising and falling quickly, sobbing desperately, Jaemin stopped and sighed. He let Haechan go and rolled over, wrapping his shaking frame with his arms. "Do you want to talk?" he asked softly. Haechan shook his head, burying it into the other's chest. Jaemin stayed quiet, the only sound in the dark room being Haechan's irregular breaths, his fingers delicately drawing patterns on the other’s skin. "It's going to get better", Jaemin whispered after a while. "You're going to be seen by someone one day, just like you see everyone else”. It was weird how Jaemin always had the perfect thing to say. Though Haechan didn’t believe that, he had no force to argue. He stayed like that for the next hour, in silence, until the sun came out. Then he got up and let Jaemin prepare his breakfast that he barely touched. Haechan then borrowed the other's clothes and said it was fine for him to go to work that morning. You have to be sick to be able to call in sick, Haechan said. Because you’re someone that follows rules and does an honest job, Jaemin commented sarcasting with a raise of the brow. I just need to be busy, Haechan added and left.

Now, heading towards the acceptance, he regretted not staying home, maybe sleeping the whole day. Sleeping would be good but dreaming? He was afraid of that. The squeaking sound of Haechan’s shoes on the main floor tiles was so distressing that Haechan felt like taking them off and throw a tantrum in the middle of all those white collars. Blinking fast he sighed when he saw the new guy, an anonymous-looking young man looking around as if uncomfortable and slightly afraid. Haechan introduced himself in a monotone voice, letting the intern shake his hand then he turned around with a short 'follow me', not giving the other time to do anything else besides tailing his supervisor. Haechan has been babbling about the company for a good five minutes now, walking quickly through the corridors, showing rooms and people. He wasn't doing a very good job because he didn't care. The new guy, weirdly enough, didn't seem disoriented at all and Haechan shrugged internally. "And this is the terrace", the boy finally finished his monologue as they both stepped outside. It was a sunny day but the wind was quite strong, making Haechan close his eyes as his fluffy hair danced around his forehead. "Cute," the guy commented with a soft chuckle. Haechan looked around. Cute? It was kinda cute, he guessed. Too many ugly buildings around though and it wasn't the best-kept terrace. He turned his head to face the intern. "What's cute?" Haechan asked. It was the first word that guy said and Haechan wanted to hear him speak.  The intern was looking at him already instead of the surroundings and Haechan could have sworn that the dude's cheeks were flushed with a pink hue.    "You are", he said shyly, eyes big and twinkling. Haechan could only blink back. Wait. What? Did this guy just call him cute? Cute? "Listen, thanks, but you have to pay me respect. I'm your supervisor", Haechan replied trying hard to keep his voice stable. He wasn't annoyed but he couldn't just giggle, could he? Also, who calls strangers cute? On the workplace? What a weirdo. The guy’s expression shifted at Haechan’s words as if in slow motion. "Oh God, sorry, I don't know what just happened. I apologize. It was inappropriate", the intern babbled and stuttered, cheeks going from pink to red, eyes darting around, not knowing where to look. Haechan has never seen someone that transparent with his feelings before and he could tell that he was very honest. Looking so naive, Haechan fought the urge to roll his eyes at him just to make him feel even more embarrassed. "I can't fire you personally or anything and I'm not your boss, but I can tell people to fire you", Haechan tried to sound cold even if the situation was rather funny. The look the guy gave to Haechan was of pure terror a for a split second Haechan felt almost sorry. But then the dude’s eyes darted to Haechan’s hair, still flying around his forehead. Haechan puffed annoyed and put one hand on top of his head as to stop the motion. The intern’s expression relaxed. "And what are you going to say? That it's because I called you cute?" he asked. His lips were back into a timid smile. Haechan was baffled. "What is so cute about me?", he sniffled, sure that he caught a cold already and switched the hand from his hair to his ear as the wind got even stronger. The intern took the question seriously. "You have curly purple hair-", he started then stopped as if that was enough to explain his comment, "-and well, your cheeks are full and now they're uhm red and it's... very cute. Also, your eyes are big and round and it's very cute-" 

Haechan groaned incredulously. 

"Oh my God! Stop saying cute", he spoke up to make his voice heard over the loud rumble of the wind, before turning on his heels and walking towards the terrace door. The intern’s cheeks turned pink again as he tried hard to not add whatever he wanted to say.

_______

Mark was told that he was somewhat of a dense guy. He disapproved. He just paid attention to what he wanted and disregarded the rest. So, if you asked him to show off the company to you, what tasks he had to do or where the bathroom was, he wouldn't know where to start. But if you asked him to tell you how many moles Haechan Lee the Supervisor had, he could answer in a second. It was weird and Mark wasn't a romantic person at all. But when he saw the guy walking out the elevator, eyebrows furrowed and dark circles underneath a pair of tired and red eyes, Mark felt a tingle in his stomach that he could only describe as love at first sight. Okay. Maybe not love. Crush at first sight? Attraction? Mark didn't know what that was and it made him so confused that he could only look at the guy's back when walking around the company as if it could give him some answers. Haechan, he said while letting Mark shake his hand. Of course. It fit him perfectly. Mark could see it - the sun - underneath his skin. Their fingers parted ways too quickly after shaking hands and Mark felt so paralyzed by the sudden tingle on his skin that he couldn’t fully pay attention. Was he also warm to the touch? Mark desperately wanted to find out. Was it weird? He was being weird. But God, he was so cute. Cute. Very cute. Cute. Cute. So fucking cute. 

This is all Mark’s mind was thinking about and when Mark thought about something he would just say it. Just like that. Cute. Don’t say it now though. Cute. I swear, Mark, shut up, for once. So cute. Please, not now. “Cute”, his tongue slipped. 

Goddammit. 

“What’s cute?” Haechan asked. The view. The view is cute. The view, Mark. Mark, say it. Mark, are you listening? The view. “You are”, Mark said instead and Haechan suddenly turned even cuter. Mark gasped, firstly because of the way Haechan’s cheeks turned red and his eyes round and big, then after a good full second that felt like an eternity, because of embarrassment. Oh shit. Fired. He was about to get fired. "God, sorry, I don't know what just happened. I apologize. It was inappropriate", Mark felt like running away. He woke up that morning with the intent of finally living the life he worked so hard for and there he was instead, calling strangers cute and making everyone uncomfortable for the sole reason of not being able to shut his mouth for once. Haechan looked embarrassed as he was though and that little detail made Mark hope that it wasn’t all over. Then Haechan shut some cold blinds on his own face and Mark knew that Haechan thought he was safe, that Mark wasn’t able to see his feelings underneath all that. It wasn’t an efficient job and Mark wondered if other people needed just that little act to not see Haechan anymore.

_______

"Good morning". Haechan saw the intern’s feet first before hearing his voice, but he didn't raise his face as suddenly something very important and urgent was being shown on the computer screen and he couldn't physically let his eyes fall on the way the guy wore his suit. 

It was terrible. Long legs and strong thighs on display right in front of his desk? Terrible, and he didn’t need any more distractions in the workplace. After the intern left for the day with a soft “see you on Monday”, both tired having spent most of the time walking around the company and explaining boring paperwork, Haechan had not been able to stop thinking about him the whole weekend. No. No, it wasn’t a crush or anything. Haechan was just, what’s the word? baffled, s h o c k e d, appalled. Some random guy called him cute and Haechan acted that way? Blushing timidly? Was he feeling that bad? Was he that sick? Unacceptable. He was Haechan, for fuck’s sake. And Haechan didn’t just blush. He could not slip anymore. "Yeah, hi Mike", he replied lazily, fingers typing something he didn’t really need to write. "It's Mark", the intern replied in a neutral tone. Haechan knew it was Mark. In fact, he also knew his full name. Mark Lee. Born on August 2nd, 1999. Toronto. Moved to Vancouver. Graduated from university a few years ago. Great grades. Interested in music and sports. Plays the guitar. Good boy. Loves animals. Does charity work regularly. Has a normal amount of friends. Doesn't know how to take selfies. No, he was not being weird. He just read his CV. 

Obviously. 

He was his supervisor. He needed to read that. The other info? He Googled him only to make sure that he wasn't a criminal. And the social media research? It was just to check on his personality. 

Obviously. 

What if he posted about illegal shit? He had to check every photo and tagged person. It was part of his job. He was single, even if Haechan didn't search for that in particular. Haechan loved his work a lot and he didn't care that he worked on that until 3 am, scrolling through his phone, drifting to sleep with Mark's selfies impregnated on his lids. It's just that he took his job seriously.  

Okay. Okay. 

It wasn’t the whole truth. Haechan was curious. Who calls you cute all of a sudden? Haechan had to know more. 

"Okay, Matt. What about you go and bring me a coff-", Haechan started but got interrupted by a hand, delicately placing a cup of steamy coffee in front of him. Haechan stared at it as if not understanding what that was then finally raised his eyes to meet Mark's gentle ones. He was smiling. "I stalked your Instagram. Full of food and coffee", Mark explained honestly with a shrug while walking around the desk and sitting down on his chair. They had to share a desk and Mark was as close as to touch elbows. Haechan hated having people so close to him when he didn't want them; especially at that moment, as Mark rested his head on his hand and just stared. 

Yeah, he stared. His eyes were piercing, looking at Haechan as if that’s what normal people do. Scanning him from head to toe, then looking into his eyes as if able to see something there. 

Haechan ignored him and looked away. "Stalking my social media is problematic, Mike". Mark chuckled lightly. "You did the same". Haechan's head snapped. "And why would I do that?”. Mark shrugged. "Close the tabs if you didn't want me to find out," he smiled staring at Haechan's laptop. 

The younger’s eyes suddenly widened and with a quick hand, he closed it in a second, cheeks hot with shame. He opened his mouth to say something to get himself out of that embarrassing situation but Mark thankfully didn't give him any time. 

"What are we doing today, sir?" he asked instead with a sly smile. "We write codes", Haechan replied quietly. "Fun", was Mark's comment. 

And they did that the whole morning, ignoring each other's knees as they sometimes brushed against each other. And they ignored the way their knuckles touched when both reached for their own cup of coffee. And Haechan ignored Mark's cologne while Mark ignored the way the computer lights made Haechan's skin glow. Mark loved programming, he always did, but that morning he thought that it would be nice to not be a programmer, just for a minute, just to be in a well-lit office and see how different Haechan would look under the sun instead.

_______

Haechan stared down at his sandwich, sitting still wrapped and untouched in his lap. Then he looked up at the blue sky and let the white fluffy clouds calm him. 

It happened close to the lunch break. 

"Spaghetti", Mark said suddenly. Onew had left already and in front of their office, everyone was walking the corridor heading out. Haechan was finally getting into the flow of working when Mark's hoarse voice startled him. "It's your favourite food, isn't it?" Mark asked, explaining himself. "Soup. I don't put things I love on my Instagram", Haechan replied. Mark looked pensive. "This is why there's no girlfriend photo there?" he wondered with a timid smile. Huh? What was that? So this is what was happening? This is the reason for the cute? 

Haechan had no force to being hit on, as much as Mark intrigued him. He had zero force and suddenly all the thoughts that Haechan buried away for a few days, came back like a bulldozer. 

Haechan bit his tongue before talking too much. "Maybe the girlfriend doesn't exist", he mumbled before getting up and grabbing his wallet.  

"Wait, are you going away?" Mark got up as well, surprised. "I thought we were going to eat together. I don't know other people-". "Well, I don't want to. Make some new friends", he replied and just walked away. No, he ran away and the first place he thought about was the terrace. It was the only uncontaminated place in the whole company. Doyoung has never been there before. 

And Haechan loved the clouds. He loved the wind moving them around fast. It was mesmerizing and in moments like those, he was able to not think about anything, until he was not Haechan anymore, until he was a cloud himself, floating in the blue sky. 

"Sorry, I didn't know this was your favourite place", a voice startled him for the second time that day. 

Haechan looked at his right where Mark was standing with a plate of food in his hands. He looked like a scared deer, turning around to leave Haechan alone, probably wondering what he did wrong but too anxious to confront Haechan about it.  

"It's alright. You can stay", Haechan spoke softly and resumed his cloud gazing. 

Mark stopped uncertain, standing still for a little while but then he walked towards Haechan and slowly sat down, resting his back on the wall as Haechan did, raising his eyes to watch the sky.

"Pretty", Mark commented and this time he was actually talking about the view. 

Haechan hummed, then after a moment of silence, he apologized. 

Mark began eating his food. "For what?" he asked with his mouth full. They both knew the reason but Haechan still appreciated Mark’s effort to showcase that he wasn’t mad at him. "For telling you that I don't want to eat together. I was being an ass for no reason", Haechan explained. Mark shook his head. "It's alright. I'm sorry if I came off clingy". Haechan huffed. "Funny. Usually, I'm the clingy one". 

Mark swallowed and Haechan looked at him. "I haven't been myself lately. But I promise I'm not an asshole". Mark smiled back kindly. "I know. I can see that". 

Haechan's expression flattered. 

Mark took another bite. "You look very warm. Your name is very appropriate for your personality. You're just… very cute", he added with a shy smile. 

Haechan continued staring at the other, unable to make a single sound. 

The other had a few other bites as if not noticing the way his words made Haechan feel then he finally raised his gaze. 

"Why are you not eating? Are you sick?" Mark inquired eyeing Haechan's sandwich. The boy finally sighed and looked up at the sky again. "Maybe". "Well, you'll get worse if you don't eat", Mark commented and grabbed the sandwich, unwrapping it and putting it into Haechan's hand with force. "I can't believe you're treating your supervisor like this. Calling him cute and forcing him to eat", Haechan stared at the food in his hand before taking a small bite, mostly to make Mark happy. The other shrugged. "You act like no one calls you cute every minute. Also, I am older than you. I can do that”. Haechan rolled his eyes. "I'm still your senior. You don't want to see me get mad. I can guarantee you that". Mark opened his mouth to say something dangerously similar to “cute” but then smiled instead, shaking his head. Haechan forced himself to keep a straight face. "If you say it again…", he warned the other. Mark cleaned his already clean fingers on a napkin then suddenly grabbed Haechan's cheek with two fingers. The boy's eyes got wide and he almost dropped his food, his mouth open in a surprised o. 

Mark smiled even more at his reaction, gulping his last piece of food while gently pinching Haechan's face as if he were a child. Then he let him go and got up, dusting his pants. "I didn't say anything this time", Mark explained innocently. 

Haechan looked up at him, still shocked. 

"I'll see you in the office. Finish your food", Mark told him and left. Haechan could distinctly hear Mark comment "so fucking cute" while he was descending the stairs.

_______

That night Haechan fell into his usual decadent slumber. He was almost fully unconscious, the twilight sleep making space for a depraved and troubled dream. Fingers twitching and muscles quivering, Haechan’s mind transformed his day yearning in darkness. Images of eyes and lips tormented him again. It has always been the same pattern, yet something new derailed the boy’s focus that night. Little details. The roundness of the eyes, the form of the lips, the touch of the fingers, the voice. That voice sounded different and it whispered something Haechan has never dreamt about before. A single word, soft but sensual, repeated again and again in Haechan’s ear. 

That morning, after a very long time, the boy woke up with a new name on his lips.

_______

Mark sometimes thought that everyone was just stupid besides himself. 

Not because of an unhealthy superiority complex or something, but because he couldn’t understand how everyone could be that blind. 

“Oh, Lara, I love your new blazer”, Haechan would say while walking around the company with Mark following suit. Poor Lara would blush and be genuinely happy about the compliment. But Mark could see that Haechan thought it was atrocious. And Adam’s stuttering speech a well. Oh, and Joseph’s wrinkly newborn. 

However, it wasn’t this fake persona Haechan had that made Mark uneasy. It was the one he would wear when talking about himself. Oh, I slept very well last night. No, I don’t need any help. Yes, everything is fine, what do you mean? Smiles and laughs and sarcastic comments. 

Mark wanted to know. He wanted to get closer and dust off the misty layer on Haechan’s eyes. 

Maybe Mark thought too highly of himself. Maybe it was his ego talking. 

I’m going to be the one to help Haechan, that’s the only thing he could think about. 

And lately, during sleepless nights, Mark would beat himself up about it. 

It’s not your business, Mark. You want this to feel a good person. 

Except, he would then frown and hug his pillow tighter, getting annoyed at himself. 

No, I would want it even it wasn’t me to help Haechan out. I just want to see him happy. 

Yeah. This sounds good. 

So he would drift away to sleep, peaceful, knowing that he was selfless. 

Alas, it took very little to Mark to realize that he wasn’t that selfless as he thought. 

Mark raised his eyes when Haechan’s abrupt manners opened the office door with a kick. “Haechan, you look good today”. The other smirked. “I always look good. What do you mean?” As if the literal sun entered the room. Mark was blinded. “Did something good happen?”, he watched Haechan’s hair bounce at his every step, like a little seedling gently moved by the breeze. Haechan’s smile widened as he sat down, rolling around in his seat, pure energy sprinkling from every pore. “So I guess the answer is yes,” Mark found himself smiling as well, although a bitter taste pasted his tongue on the palate as he spoke. “I just remembered how much serotonin a good fuck gives you,” Haechan opened his computer and started working on his tasks, not paying attention to Mark’s face. 

Oh. 

Mark hated it. Oh, he hated it so much. God, he hated it. 

The boy tried hard to not think about Haechan that day, resulting in him thinking about Haechan all day. Don't think about Haechan. Don't think about Haechan. Don't think about his body touched by somebody else. 

It was almost lunchtime when Mark finally broke the silence. “So, now you’re dating someone?” Haechan raised an eyebrow, eyes still too focused on his computer to give his full attention to Mark. “What? No. Why?”, he mumbled distractedly. Mark blinked for a few seconds. Haechan finally processed and laughed. “You’re kinda sweet Mark. I just got dicked down, that’s all”, he got up and stretched his arms up with a whiny yawn. “Come on,” he lightly hit the other’s shoulder, “I think today’s menu is soup”.

______

Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark. 

It was as if Haechan was going crazy. 

It was just a dream. A single dream. 

When did this happen? How was it possible? 

“Fuck, Haechan, you’re-”, Jaemin gulped, his adam apple going up and down inside his stretched out throat just like Haechan’s body moved on top of him. “Yeah?” the directly concerned boy smiled. “-crazy today”, Jaemin concluded. “Who made you this horny?” Haechan bit his lower lip, hating his mind for not leaving that thought out, even if for a single second. “Call me--”, he ignore the other’s question, cheeks violently turning red. Jaemin groaned at the way Haechan sunk deeper on him in the process. “Call you what?”, he asked breathless, fingers tightening around Haechan’s painfully hard length. “Cute”, the boy finally whispered. And Jaemin said it, again and again until that word replaced Mark’s name from Haechan’s head.

_______

That day’s menu was indeed soup which only added to Haechan’s general euphoria. Mark walked one step behind him, troubled by the double sword his feelings formed inside his heart. His eyes were only on the younger’s face and Mark could only sigh every few seconds. 

Oh, I’m falling in love. I’m falling in love. 

Lost in his melodramatic thoughts, Mark didn’t notice when Haechan suddenly stopped.  “Hey, boys. Haechan,” a dude greeted generally before locking eyes with the younger one.  Haechan rolled his eyes and made a step back from where that guy was. The dude’s smile flattered as if annoyed at that obvious showcase of hatred towards him but kept his fake expression on as he looked at Mark instead. “So, I’m organizing this party downtown at the Garages. Do you want to come?”, he asked.  

Mark furrowed his eyebrows and eyed Haechan to see what the deal was about.  

Haechan huffed. “Mark doesn’t like parties and neither do I, Jungwoo. Thank you”, he replied snarkily while making a step to continue walking. 

Jungwoo smirked. “Says the party animal. You never mentioned it to me while I had you on my-”, but Haechan interrupted him, hitting his chest with the back of his hand. 

Jungwoo chuckled with satisfaction. 

“Oh, so the boy doesn’t have to know?” he asked indicating to Mark, faking innocence.”

Mark felt his jaw muscle flinch and a sudden urge to punch that dude in the face made his fists almost tremble. 

“The boy doesn’t like the way you’re making his friend uncomfortable right now”, he spoke with a cold voice not breaking eye contact. “Whatever happened between you before, now Haechan doesn’t want to see you again and certainly he doesn’t want to come to your party”. 

Haechan opened his mouth to say something but Jungwoo's laugh interrupted him. 

“Oh, but he does want to see me again and come to my party. Don’t you, Haechan?” the dude asked. 

“Of course I don’t, Jungwoo. Get fucked”, Haechan replied quickly, eyes rolling in their sockets, feet turning direction and walking away. 

“I bet I will”, Jungwoo shrugged with a little smile, throwing one finger gun at Mark.  “By Haechan”, he whispered with a wink while leaving him alone in the corridor. 

To Mark’s horror, despite those two’s abrasive conversation, he could definitely see that as a silent promise.

So Mark went there as well. 

Why? He didn’t know. He liked to think that he was concerned about Haechan’s safety. 

That Jungwoo guy had some rancid vibes and Mark hated the idea of the two together. Because he was concerned for his safety. 

Not because he was jealous or anything. 

Haechan could do whatever he wanted and sleep with whoever he wanted to, but what if, just what if, Haechan changed his mind and chose Mark over the Jungwoo dude? 

Mark could do that. 

Mark wasn’t self-centred but he still realized that Haechan deserved better and he could provide that. 

If that was Haechan needed to soothe the darkness in his eyes, Mark could do that.

But Haechan wasn’t there and neither was Jungwoo and the thought of that man’s hands on Haechan’s skin made Mark’s guts twirl on themselves. 

He looked around, frantically, breathing the sweat-impregnated air, trying to avoid being hit by people’s sticky shoulders. Until he started to feel sick, not only because of the loud music and blinding lights but also for some obscure reason, grabbing his throat and choking him. 

He had to drown that down.

_______

When Haechan arrived Mark was surrounded by people, eyes closed, face up exposing his neck, laughing and screaming, jumping and moving his body as Haechan has never seen someone do before. 

His legs were nicely on display in a pair of severely ripped black jeans that Haechan had no idea Mark liked to wear. 

The younger boy was so concentrated on the way a plain white T-shirt could look so good on a person that he noticed too late the way Mark directed his eyes towards him. 

He was far away and Haechan couldn’t decipher the other's expression but it didn’t matter as Mark quickly made his way to where the younger boy nervously stood. 

Mark was drunk. A lot. 

But he still somewhat fluidly avoided the crowd as if dancing until getting as close as hovering above Haechan. The boy had never noticed that Mark was taller until he had to raise his face to look up, his back and palms pressed against the wall. He didn’t notice when he walked backwards either. 

“Haechan”, Mark said his name with such worry to make the other’s heart beat like crazy. “Are you okay? Where have you been?”, or that's what Haechan deciphered from his lips since the music was so loud that his ribcage felt about to be ripped apart. “Home. I’ve just arrived”, Haechan yelled and Mark got even closer, giving his ear to the boy’s lips to hear better. 

Haechan couldn’t do anything else besides inhaling his odour. Mark was a little sweaty and his breath smelled of alcohol, but Haechan has never found someone sexier than him at that moment. 

His eyes were dark under his black curls and his lips looked swollen as if someone sucked on them. Haechan felt like prey and unconsciously pressed his body against the wall even harder.

“And where’s Jungwoo?”, Mark’s voice tingled Haechan’s earbuds. “I have no idea. Why would I know?”, Haechan replied, acting as if he didn’t realize why Mark was behaving like that. 

It made Haechan’s palms sweat. 

He thought about that a lot, at the way Mark got defensive of him in front of Jungwoo, at the way Mark’s expression darkened even after Haechan told them that he had no intention to go to the party, at the way Mark has been looking at Haechan a lot, at the way Haechan couldn’t just stop thinking about Mark for a single second either.  

He came to the party because of that. Haechan’s mind was running again and he wanted to stop it. And also because he played with his phone all day, looking at Mark’s number for a long time. 

Mark would have replied but did Haechan really want it? He was such a sweet person and Haechan didn’t dare to contaminate him with his presence. Mark didn’t deserve to be used as Haechan needed. 

So he went to the party, ready to contaminate somebody else instead. Who knew that Mark was there waiting for him? 

“I’ve been thinking about you the whole night”, Mark talked again after staring at Haechan as if trying to understand the younger one’s thoughts. Just like he has been for the past few months, making Haechan feel small and naked. "Yeah, I bet. While letting those people grind on you?" Haechan replied sarcastic trying hard to conceal his shaking voice. 

Mark got closer, bold and cocky, putting his hands on the wall, caging Haechan between his arms, leaning in and whispering into his ear. "Yeah, I was imagining you grinding on me", his confession tickled Haechan’s ear and the boy tried to move his head away on the side, afraid to do something he would regret, but Mark's hand was there and his head had nowhere to go. It wasn't right. 

Haechan was sober while Mark was drunk and had no idea what he was talking about. He had to go away, push him back, but his limbs weren't cooperating. Mark's hand though was working just fine and it gently grabbed Haechan's face, turning it into his direction. 

"Haechan, please, let me kiss you", he begged, his breath caressing Haechan’s lips. 

The boy gulped down surprised, shivering with desire, fighting with himself. He put his hands on Mark's chest, with the intent of lightly pushing him away, but he was made of iron. No, Mark, no, please. You’re too precious to me for this. 

"You don't know what you're talking about", Haechan mumbled. 

Mark breathed heavily. His jaw muscles tightened. Then he put his head down as if trying to gain forces. 

"Yeah, sorry, okay okay, I'm leaving", he retrieved his arms and let them fall to his sides like dead flesh. 

Haechan looked at them with some relief, suddenly feeling exposed and cold, even if the club's air was so hot that it was hard to breathe. Or maybe it was just him having breathing difficulties. Haechan had no idea. 

"No, wait", his lips betrayed him. "Just-", Haechan interrupted himself, eyes squeezed together as if already regretting what he was about to say, unsure, holding Mark's wrist with both hands. Then he opened his eyes again. 

Mark was looking at him his heavy lids. His gaze wandered from his face to his exposed neck, then to his collarbones and chest. Mark was undressing him without touching anything and Haechan felt like going crazy. 

"-just a kiss. Okay? It's going to be a short kiss", Haechan continued, unable to believe he was actually saying that. 

But there was no harm in that. A little kiss. Just a harmless little kiss. Like the ones you'd have in college during stupid games. No one thought about those in the mornings.

But when Mark's lips curved in a little smirk and his body got as close as to press on Haechan's one again, the younger boy knew that it wasn't going to be just a kiss. Not for him at least. And not only he would think about it in the morning. He probably would think about it for a long time. And he was right. It was indeed memorable. Slow and careful but not timid. Mark cupped the other’s face, palm pressed on his jaw, fingers as far as touching his neck and ear, the other grabbing his hips, pulling them against his. Haechan’s head felt light and he couldn't fathom how Mark managed to have so much control when he was about to lose it all. And then it became even worse as Mark slipped his tongue inside of Haechan’s mouth and the younger boy had to tighten his grip around Mark’s torso. He whined into Mark's mouth, making the other hum back, picking up the pace, biting his lower lip and sucking on it, letting his hand fall from Haechan's face to his neck, then chest, then to his stomach, grazing the skin separated by Mark's fingers only by his thin button-down. 

Haechan had to stop him. It was going too far. That was a mistake. They still had to work together. There’s a reason why Haechan avoided talking to the coworkers he fucked before. Mark wasn't realizing that but Haechan did. He had to be responsible. 

Stop him, Haechan. Stop him. 

"Mark, wait", he broke off the kiss when Mark's hands reached his jeans button. The boy looked down at him, panting, eyes half-closed: he was begging Haechan to let him continue. 

Haechan grabbed his shirt and dragged him around the corner, into the shadows. 

"Tomorrow we forget about this, okay?", he warned him, shutting his brain off. "Okay", Mark replied quickly putting his mouth on Haechan's again as if unable to be away from it for too long. And he put his hands on Haechan's jeans again as well, opening the button, letting the zip fall slowly, tucking his hand underneath Haechan's boxers, feeling his soft and hot skin, wrapping his fingers around him tightly, not letting the struggling Haechan to break off the kiss to moan. And he didn't even last too long. The boy came shuddering all over Mark's fist after a few good strokes and the older finally let him press his face into his chest. 

Shit, he had never lasted this little. What the hell.

Haechan was fucking embarrassed and if Mark wouldn't have been too drunk to remember anyway, he would have just run away to hide in that exact moment. 

"Fuck", Mark cursed under his breath, feeling Haechan’s hot release on his skin, nudging at Haechan's temple with his lips while the other came down from his high.   "Oh, fuck, you're so hot like this, Haechan. And cute. Shit, you're so cute, I'm going crazy", he babbled before letting Haechan's cock go and trying to bring his fingers to his lips. "Oh no", Haechan gulped trying to stop him. "Mark, don't. You touched all sort of things in the club with that hand", and Mark stopped for a second as if processing the information before dropping to his knees and tasting Haechan directly. 

The boy opened his mouth in a silent gasp and he was still so aroused that feeling Mark's tongue made him hard again in a second. 

"Fuck", Haechan swore loudly, pressing his fingers into the wall behind him, letting his head fall back, feeling himself grow harder inside Mark's mouth. 

He didn't expect it. He didn't expect any of this. Innocent and soft Mark Lee sucking him off like no one has done before in the dark corner of a club? Haechan the slut coming in two seconds and getting hard again soon after? Past Haechan would have laughed, yet there he was, moaning Mark's name like a mantra, coming for the second time in minutes like a little virgin. 

It was no dream. It was a reality. 

Mark didn't let him go and Haechan felt like flying as his cum descended inside Mark's throat. And then he looked down right in time to catch a glimpse of Mark's eyes, looking up at him, letting his cock out with a lewd plop. "Mark, where did you learn that?", Haechan asked suddenly exhausted. The boy licked his lips and held onto Haechan to get up, shakily. "Was that good? It was my first time doing it", he mumbled with a smile before resting his head on Haechan's shoulder, the cocktail he had right before adding to his brain fog.

_______

Mark woke up to the sound of a heartbeat. It was a comforting sound. Deep and regular. 

He groaned softly as his lids realized they were getting hit by bright and irritating sunlight. Then he opened his eyes slowly, focusing on the windows first, vision blurry, then on the plant underneath it, then on the young man underneath him. 

Mark's muscles got a spasm and woke up completely as his brain finally made sense of what was going on. Meaning that his face was resting on Haechan's chest. Bare chest. And his own torso, bare torso, was wrapped by the boy's arms. 

Oh fuck, he thought. Oh shit. 

"It's too late in the morning to run away", Haechan mumbled, waking up softly as well. 

Mark froze as he was trying to get up. He was propped up on an elbow when Haechan opened his eyes and Mark felt his breath hitch. 

Haechan was there, pillow adorned with his luscious locks lying all around his head like a halo, chocolate eyes warmed by the sun shining through the windows and his skin, God, he looked like an angel. 

"I'm not going away", Mark lied, surprising himself by how deep and hoarse his voice sounded like. "Fuck, you're so cute right now", he whispered soon after, unable to control himself. 

Haechan's eyes got wider at Mark's words. He expected Mark to freak out, and Mark was freaking out inside a lot, but having Haechan like that, underneath him, vulnerable and beautiful as never before, made Mark feel peaceful at the same time. 

This is all he wanted in life. 

The older managed to keep it together for a few other seconds, trying to look confident, but when Haechan's cheeks reddened with blush, Mark lost it and blushed as well, rolling away, grabbing a pillow to hide his face in with a scream. 

"I can't believe it", his voice came out muffled. "Oh my God", he yelled quietly. 

Haechan started to chuckle embarrassed. "What an idiot". 

"How-", Mark removed the pillow enough for one eye to poke out. "How far-", he stuttered. 

Haechan rolled his eyes, faking nonchalance. 

"Just oral", he whispered while getting up and putting his feet on the ground, turning his back to Mark, unable to look at him in the face either. 

"Oh", the other sounded weirdly disappointed. Haechan pinched the base of his nose. That man was sending such mixed messages. "You did dry hump my ass if that makes things better", Haechan spoke through his teeth, embarrassed out of his mind, grabbing the bottle of water he kept on his nightstand. "I'm sorry. You deserve to get fucked properly", Mark replied quietly as if thinking at loud, making Haechan choke on his water and spit it all around the room. 

Mark sat up quickly and placed a hand on Haechan's shoulder. "Are you okay?" 

The choking boy turned around to face him. 

"I thought you'd be all embarrassed about this", he commented while drying his wet lips with the back of his hand. 

"I am!" Mark's eyes got wide and his red ears confirmed it, but it was still not what Haechan expected. 

"I mean", Haechan hesitated, unsure of what words to use, "I thought you'd regret it in the morning. You were really drunk last night and you had no idea what you were doing”. 

Mark's face visibly darkened. 

"Do you regret it?", he asked. 

Haechan went on with his phrase ignoring Mark’s question. "-like I was sober and I was worried that maybe I should have-". 

"Haechan". 

Mark's voice was so deep and serious that Haechan's heart started to beat faster upon hearing him calling his name like that. "Answer me. Do you regret it? Did I- fuck - did I do something wrong?", Mark asked ruffling his hair with one hand. He looked so worried and distressed that Haechan for a second didn't know what to say. 

"No", the younger finally shook his head. "No", he repeated. "I was aware of everything and I made my choice consciously but you-", Haechan hesitated again.  "Me too", Mark spoke up, nodding. "I remember everything until you helped me to get out of the club. After I sucked y-".

"Don't say it", Haechan stopped him with a raised palm. 

Mark chuckled embarrassedly. 

If only Haechan knew how cute he was being in that moment, faking his serious face and steading his voice. Mark would have wanted to see Haechan confess just how weak he was. 

"So you, like, you wanted it? Not because you were just drunk and I happened to be there?", Haechan asked timidly. Haechan couldn't believe he was so shy to talk about sex with someone. It has never happened before. Nothing he did with Mark happened before. 

Mark gulped down. "I wanted it, yeah. I didn't do it because I was drunk. I did it thanks to that. I don't think I would have had the courage otherwise", he explained. "But I'm also sorry. It mustn't be nice to- like--uh, you know, with a drunk person", he stuttered, eyes closing and opening as he thought about the words to use. 

Haechan looked down, shyly. "You were very hot actually", he whispered back, scratching the back of his head. 

"Haechan," Mark finally found his voice after a moment of shocked silence. "I swear to God, I would take you-", but interrupted himself abruptly. 

Haechan looked at him flustered. 

Mark cleared his voice. 

Then he shook his head. 

"No", he chuckled at himself. "Nothing, never mind", he added suddenly getting up, the covers sliding down his naked body. 

Haechan looked at it. He had looked at it the whole night. That night he kissed every inch of that skin and listened to Mark's soft moans. And Haechan realized that it wasn't a hookup. At all. Not for him. But Mark didn't remember that part and Haechan didn't want to tell him. If Haechan had to think about it for the next month, so be it. It was all on him. He let himself go too far and he wasn't talking about the physical aspect. It was all his fault if his heart was aching to see Mark get dressed instead of lying beside him, cuddling, or better, doing what Mark didn't dare to tell him.

_______

"Tomorrow we forget about this, okay?".

Forgetting. 

Mark wanted to forget but he couldn't do it. Not the day after and not on Monday morning, seeing Haechan's pretty lips so close to him and not being able to kiss them. 

Mark lied when Haechan asked him what he remembered. 

Well, not entirely, because he did forget some parts. 

But he was definitely lucid when Haechan went down on him, slowly, after kissing his lips, then his neck, sucking on his skin, then his chest and stomach as Mark wrapped Haechan's hair around his fingers. The boy asked multiple times if Mark was okay with that until Mark had to basically beg to just suck him off already. And God, he was so cute doing it. He would never forget how that felt. Divine. His head was so light as if zero oxygen got to it, every drop of blood concentrated inside of Haechan's warm and wet mouth instead. 

And he was staring at that mouth now, as Haechan explained the work to do for the day. Mark wasn't even that horny. No. He just wanted to hold him again and softly press his lips on Haechan's plump ones. 

"Tomorrow we forget about this". 

Haechan was sober when he said that. He meant it. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it. Right? Should he ask? Haechan, did you forget? Do you want to forget? Because I don't. 

And I can't. 

"Mark", Haechan snapped his fingers in front of him making the boy jolt. "Focus", he ordered. "What are you thinking about?".

You. I'm thinking about you. You. You. I've been thinking about you for days, Haechan. 

"Lunch", Mark shrugged. Haechan rolled his eyes. "What an idiot".

_______

That afternoon Haechan was in a relatively good mood. 

He should have known that the most peaceful days could bring the most terrible storms though. 

So he jolted at the sound of a voice he almost forgot how it sounded like. 

"Haechan, I thought you died or something". 

The boy in question looked up from his computer to see a pair of feline eyes. 

They were bright and amused. Then he saw the lips. Soft and pink stretched in a sweet smile. 

Doyoung was still like a house with all the lights on, but now it wasn’t empty anymore. Now everyone was home. This house was full of people, all happy and content. 

Haechan was so glad. He truly was. This is what he has always wanted to see since first locking eyes with that man. But he also felt suddenly miserable. Miserable and confused. 

His heart shouldn't have skipped a beat like that. Not anymore. 

"I did die and I just got back from hell", he replied, trying to sound as snarky as possible. It wasn't entirely a lie. 

"What about you? You also went missing". Doyoung blushed subtly at the innuendo and Haechan felt the urge to punch the table. Or himself. "I've been busy", Doyoung replied softly. "So you went to paradise instead, I see", Haechan commented with a smile hoping that no one noticed how fake it was.

_______

"A man can't have his alone time in peace. What do you want?", Haechan rolled his eyes while Mark sat down beside him, resting his back on the rooftop wall, looking in front of him at the blue sky. 

It was a sunny day with a slight breeze, enough for Haechan's fringe to wave gently. 

Mark loved it when the wind ruffled Haechan's hair but he couldn't bring himself to look at the younger boy. Not at that moment. 

"I didn't know", Mark whispered. "What?", Haechan's voice came out irritated but he didn't care. 

"That you were in love", Mark added. 

Haechan choked on his breath. 

"I'm not", he crossed his arms on his chest and closed his eyes as if sunbathing. Conversation over, it meant. An angry bronzing session. 

Mark finally looked at him then, feeling safe as he wasn't seen back. He watched the way Haechan’s skin glowed under the warm rays. Mark thought about how it would feel under his fingertips but he wasn’t sure. He touched it before but now he couldn’t remember it. Mark wanted to raise one hand and touch his cheek again, this time fully concentrating on the feeling. He wanted to let it slide down the boy’s jawline, feeling the sharp bone, then on his neck where the angry pulsating artery pumped blood at a crazy speed. Then he wanted to hear Haechan’s soft breath as his hand unbuttoned his shirt, this time feeling his heartbeat. Mark wanted it to be fast and only for him. For Mark. 

It all made sense now. But why does it have to be like that? What should Mark do? What do people do in this scenario? 

Was he thinking about this Doyoung guy? Has Haechan been thinking about other men? The whole time? While Mark was thinking about him? 

Was he imagining kissing that man's lips while Mark's mind was full of Haechan and Haechan only? 

Of course, he would. 

What was Mark thinking? Isn’t this what he accepted? Isn’t this what he decided to adventure in? Why was Mark suddenly so hurt about Haechan behaving as he anticipated him to do? 

We forget about this in the morning and Mark was certain now that Haechan actually did forget. 

"Does he know?", Mark asked after a while. Haechan snorted. "Of course he doesn't". "He doesn't know what?".

The other boy sighed at the trap. 

"Just leave me alone", he ordered. And Mark actually got up and left. 

Haechan's cheeks got wet right when it started to rain.

_______

"Mark, if you have something to say, just say it". 

It's been a few days of Mark not talking but still looking at Haechan as if about to burst in a monologue anytime soon. 

Haechan had been brusque with him before, but it never came to Mark not talking to him. 

The younger boy wasn’t stupid. It was obvious what was going on with Mark but Haechan didn’t have the force to deal with it sooner. 

"I don't have anything to say", Mark replied. "Do you have anything to say?".

Haechan rested his back on the chair and looked at Mark, irritated. 

"Okay, we need to sort this thing out. We can't work like this". "Like this how? We're working just fine", Mark didn't raise his eyes from the computer. "Mark, you've been writing and deleting the same line for a while now", Haechan indicated the screen with his chin. "Well, maybe something is going on with me but it doesn't have anything to do with you, so we don't need to talk about anything", Mark replied finally starting a new line. 

So Mark was able to lie as well, huh?

"Mark", Haechan lowered his voice. "Do you perhaps have feelings for me?", he whispered. 

"What?!" Mark yelled. 

Onew jolted on his seat. 

"Keep your voice down, you dumbass", Haechan put one hand on his thigh. Mark looked down at it then at Haechan's face. 

Haechan retrieved his hand back. 

Mark breathed heavily before talking. 

"It's just--”, he rested his back on the chair as well, “I've never been with someone like that before and I'm so confused right now, like, I don't know if I have feelings for you or just--like, I need closure?", he questioned as if talking to himself. 

Haechan was surprised that Mark told him all that. 

"You mean that you're a virgin?", the younger asked incredulously. "Uhm, I can hear you", Onew said. "Then get your ass up and take a stroll, Owen", Haechan spoke up. 

Mark flinched at his sudden and loud voice. 

Their colleague shook his head as if not believing he was dealing with some weirdos and got out of the office mumbling something about gen z people. 

"I am not a virgin. I meant hookups", Mark explained after a little pause while his cheeks acted like a virgin's. "You said you've never sucked someone before", Haechan raised one eyebrow. "It's alright if you're a virgin, Mark. You just have to tell me and-”, he interrupted himself as if realizing what they actually did, “-fuck, you had to tell me before as well. God, I acted recklessly, I should hav-".

"I am not a virgin! Stop saying that. I've never sucked before because I've been eating pussy, okay?", Mark raised his voice.

Haechan blinked at him. "So you're confused about your sexuality?" 

Mark rolled his eyes defeated. "I know what I like! I'm not confused. Just hear me out!" "You said you were confused just a minute ago", Haechan said. "But not about my sexuality. Because of the hookup!"  "Why are you yelling?", Haechan yelled.  "I'm not yelling!", Mark yelled back.  "You're arguing with me right now". "Because you're not listening! I don't know how I'm feeling about you because I've never slept around before. I-- just--don't like it", Mark stuttered.  "Then why did you sleep with me?", Haechan was exasperated.  Mark whined. "Because I liked you already”.  "So you do like me. You have feelings for me", Haechan raised his hands as if talking with a fool. 

The other shifted in his seat as if uncomfortable. 

"Don't all people like their hookup partners though? Like, would you sleep with someone if they were ugly as fuck? I don't think so. You still need to be attracted to them a little". 

Haechan sighed while massaging his temples. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Didn't you have crushes before? Don't you know what it feels like to be in love?".

Mark groaned tiredly. "I did. And I know. But this is different", he spoke with a softer tone. 

Haechan sighed. "So what? Am I supposed to help you figure that out? If you like me or not?". 

Mark straightened his tie and focused on his computer again as if the conversation was over. 

"Listen, you wanted to hear me talk, so I did". 

The younger boy stared at the other’s fingers as they started to type something, probably useless. 

"Do you even want to like me? Like what's your expectation?". 

Mark’s fingers stopped and he remained silent for a little while. "Well, you like somebody else, so it wouldn't be nice if I had feelings for you, would it?". 

Haechan prolonged the silence a bit. "I'm getting out of it".

Mark turned his head to him. 

That was a lie, Mark could see it. A blatant lie. 

"Do you want me to like you?", he asked. His voice was soft and low. 

Haechan thought about it for a second. He didn’t know what to say. 

Mark sighed, unable to wait like that, and closed his eyes, reclining back on his seat again. 

"I like you, Haechan. Okay? I like you, fuck. I don't care if you like somebody else". 

Haechan’s heart started to beat even faster than before. 

“Was this the problem, then? You were jealous?”, Haechan’s voice came out quieter than he intended. 

Mark opened his eyes and looked down at his hands clasped together. 

He shrugged. 

“You don’t have to worry about me. I just needed to say it. I’m not asking for anything from you”, Mark directed his gaze towards Haechan. 

He looked so serious that it made Haechan’s cheeks get pink again. 

Mark’s eyes trembled imperceptibly at that reaction but he didn’t dare to say anything about it. 

He cleared his voice as Haechan couldn’t bring himself to add anything either and got back to work.

_______

It was very late at night. 

Haechan had no idea what time it was but it was not a time normal people would be awake at. 

He fidgeted under the covers, restless and irritated. He felt hot and his mind wouldn’t let him sleep. 

His hands found his phone after a while, ready to click on Jaemin’s name. But then his thumb slid down and it stopped over Mark instead. 

Haechan stared at the bright screen until he felt his eyes tear up from lack of blinking then just pressed it with a huff. 

Bad person Haechan. You’re a bad person. You’re such a bad person. A mistake. You did a mistake a now you were about to make another one.

“Yes”, Mark’s rough voice interrupted Haechan’s train of thoughts. 

The younger boy opened his mouth to breathe better and he let that monosyllable caress his ears even after the sound already died. 

“Hey”, Haechan whispered, closing his eyes, helping his other senses to get sharper. 

Mark groaned softly and shifted in his bed, probably turning in a more comfortable position. “Haechan”, he said in the same sleepy and deep voice and Haechan had to make an effort to not whimper into the phone. 

Why was Haechan so affected by this boy but at the same time so afraid of him? He shouldn’t have let Mark get so involved. Haechan should have put a wall between them the first time his lips said that first “cute”, then another one when he blatantly saw the way Mark’s eyes couldn’t leave him, then another one that night in the club, and another one when Mark asked him if Haechan wanted to be liked. And now as well. Just end the call. 

But he couldn’t. 

His walls were not strong enough for Mark and Haechan was a bad person. 

He liked it. He liked a lot. Haechan wanted more and more even if he could give back only darkness. 

“I’m sorry I woke you up”, Haechan said after waiting a few seconds to recollect himself. 

Mark hummed as if telling him that it was alright. “Is everything okay?” he asked and Haechan noticed the way Mark was slowly waking up by the growing concern in his voice. “Yeah, yeah, everything is good. I just…”, Haechan hesitated. 

Why did he even call Mark in the first place? Did he need company? Rude. Did he miss him? Gross. He was a bad person, using people when he needed, disregarding their feelings? Yeah. 

“I wanted to speak to someone”, he decided to be honest. 

Mark’s breath got louder for a second as if he laughed lightly. “I’m glad you thought of me, then. Unless you called other people first and no one replied”. 

Haechan smiled, feeling like a teenager talking to his first crush, then stopped, starting to hate himself. “No. You’re the only one I called”, he confessed. 

What was he doing? Bad. Bad Haechan. Bad. 

Mark went silent and Haechan listened to his breath for a while.

“You confuse me so much, Haechan”, Mark’s voice was a whisper and Haechan swallowed nothing, feeling his throat suddenly dry. 

Yeah. It was not fair. Not when Mark told him how he was feeling and Haechan couldn’t do the same. 

“But I’m not complaining”, Mark added before Haechan could apologize and end the call, finally getting to his senses. “I don’t care, Haechan. I like you so much. You can do whatever you want to me”. 

Haechan bit his lower lip. God, he hated himself. 

“Mark-”. “Would you do something for me?”, the boy interrupted him. “Mm? What?”. “Would you-”, Mark stopped, breath suddenly quicker, “-would you-uhm-- shit”, he repeated softly before chuckling, slightly embarrassed. 

Haechan’s skin got goosebumps, wondering if he understood what Mark wanted. His heartbeat started to pump blood at a crazy speed at it all went in a single place. 

So he did what Mark asked, even if he would end up being wrong, only because he wanted it too. He slid a hand under his t-shirt, slowly, until reaching his nipples, and whined into the phone. 

Mark went completely silent for a second. 

Haechan whined again a little louder. 

“Fuck, Haechan”, Mark’s voice trembled. "Are you-- are you touching yourself?”.

Haechan hummed. “My nipples”, he simply replied as he pinched them, playing with himself, feeling his boxers get tighter at every stroke. “Oh fuck”, Mark’s rough voice made Haechan squeeze his eyes together and open his mouth in a silent moan. 

They were both panting. Haechan couldn’t tell if Mark was just lying there and imagining or if he started to shyly let his hand slide south as well. 

“How does it feel?”, Mark inquired with a shaken voice and Haechan realized he still had too much control to be rubbing one out as well. “It feels so good, Mark”, the younger one replied, adding soft swears as his fingers got under the fabric of his boxers, letting the elastic hit his abdomen once, loudly, making sure Mark heard it as well. “Hmm -a-ah”, he wrapped his cock with his hand, pumping it slowly a few times, pressing his thumb on the slit. 

He didn’t need to exaggerate any sound. Knowing that Mark was listening could make Haechan go over the edge alone. 

“Haechan, you make me go so fucking crazy”, Mark’s shaking voice made Haechan bite his lower lip. “You too, Mark”, he confessed in the cloud of sensations. 

Then listened to the way the other boy’s bed sheets irrefutably shifted and the bed creaked and his breath hitched as he started to pleasure himself to the sound of Haechan’s whimpers and the image he had of him.  

They didn’t talk anymore. There was no need to and they weren’t able to either. Not having Mark near him, made Haechan last longer but it was still too quickly than usual so he stopped right before cumming, edging himself until the other whined into his pillow, cursing and calling Haechan’s name.

_______

Haechan avoided Mark the whole day. He told Mark that he had some other work and barely came into the office. 

The older boy would sigh every five minutes, mind racing, making the poor Onew groan. 

“He’s feeling awkward. You guys fucked, it’s normal”. 

Mark turned his head towards him as if awoken from a dream, cheeks blushing violently as soon as he made sense of the other’s words. 

“Also, you’re in love with him. I would avoid someone in love with me as well if I only wanted to fuck them,” Onew added as if talking about the weather. Mark was unable to speak. “He’s afraid to hurt you now”. 

“I told him it was alright, though”, Mark finally whispered, trying hard to suppress the hysterical little chuckle he would get when nervous or talking about embarrassing stuff. 

Onew got up with his empty coffee mug in his hand. 

“Show it. Do something that can make him realize that it’s okay for you to be in this type of relationship”, he added before walking out whistling with not one single worry in the world. 

Mark would have wanted to whistle as well but couldn’t. 

That advice was breaking his heart. 

It was true. Mark said that he was okay, but he was lying. 

Of course, he was not alright. 

He wanted to, oh he wanted so bad to be alright but it was so late. It was already late from the beginning. Mark didn’t want that kind of relationship. He wanted more. 

But Onew was also right. Mark had to do something. If being able to have Haechan like that meant breaking his own heart, Mark was ready to do it. 

And when that night he went to Jungwoo’s monthly party again, he forced his beating heart to stop upon seeing Haechan’s back. 

The young men’s slender figure was curved in a laugh, the pretty sound almost audible to Mark’s far away ears. Then Haechan sipped from the drink in front of him, still amused by the handsome bartender’s joke, and spun around in his chair right in time to see Mark being hit on by a woman. 

Haechan’s lips stopped on the edge of the glass, eyes unable to blink, staring emotionless at the way Mark’s lips curved in a timid smile while his hands weren’t timid at all, firmly grabbing that girl’s hips as she wiggled her ass against Mark’s crotch. 

Haechan turned around, placing the drink on the counter with a slightly shaking hand. 

“Everything alright?”, the bartender asked. 

Haechan didn’t reply and threw his head back, finished his cocktail in one gulp.

_______

It was quite early when the boy left the party. Haechan felt like suffocating in the middle of all those people breathing heavily, clouding his mind. 

Waiting for his taxi outside, ignoring the stares of horny people smoking and grinding against each other by the entrance of the Garages, he got reasonable startled when two hands suddenly wrapped his torso. 

But those were some delicate fingers and Haechan could recognize that cologne in a thousand others. 

Mark rested his face on Haechan’s shoulder and no one said anything for a little while, listening to the deep bass coming out of the club, the yelling and the traffic on the main road just a few blocks away. 

“Sorry if I startled you”, Mark mumbled. 

Haechan bit his lower lip and turned around, expecting a drunk and horny Mark yet again. But the boy’s eyes were wide and awake, his usual staring-as-if-reading-your-soul eyes met Haechan’s ones. 

The younger looked at them for a second then he eyed the bright red hickeys on the other’s neck as well as the slightly unbuttoned shirt. 

“I see you’ve had some fun tonight”, Haechan commented unable to hide his bitter tone. Not that Mark wouldn’t have been able to see through his fake face anyway. 

Mark licked his lips and tugged Haechan’s hips towards him. 

"Is this alright?", his voice was low and sultry, ignoring Haechan’s little jab, caressing his lower back instead. 

Haechan started to pant softly, unsuccessfully trying to take a step back then he gulped down staring at the other’s lips getting each second closer. 

"We can pretend it didn't happen", Mark went on, "just like we've always done, isn’t that right?", and Haechan could have sworn that Mark was a little pissed off. “Fucking at night then pretending we don’t know each other during the day, huh? Isn’t this what you want? I can do that”. 

Mark's fingers reached the hem of Haechan's t-shirt by now, hiking it up slowly, dragging his fingertips on his skin. It was warm, just like Mark had always imagined. A loud cheer mixed with glass shattering made Haechan flinch but Mark shushed him, every second closer until they were breathing each other's air. 

"I really want to take you right now, just like this". 

Mark's whisper made both of their hearts beat like crazy.  The first, not believing he was talking like that, the second, not believing that Mark was telling him that. 

And when Haechan finally closed his eyes, ready to melt into the kiss, Mark's lips ghosted his cheek and neck instead, fingers still drawing little circles on the younger's chest, resting his palm on the beating heart. Then he pulled away. 

“It’s a shame that you’re pushing me away like this”, Mark straightened his back and walked away.

_______

Mark was a weird guy. 

And when Haechan bumped into him inside the local supermarket near his apartment, a large sweatshirt on his frame, boyfriend jeans, ruffled hair, a little stubble, concerned expression behind his golden round glasses, the tip of his tongue out, licking his lips mindlessly, deciding what brand of cereal he wanted, Haechan felt the urge to go there and yell at him that he's in love. 

Haechan never liked the "what are we" question. 

Everyone around him asked that. What are we? Friends. Friends with benefits. Nothing, we're just fucking. Haechan has never adventured there. But now, looking at Mark's profile, his hand finally picking up the cereal pack, Haechan wanted to ask him that question. 

What are we, Mark? 

Because I want us to be something. 

I want to claim you in ways that give other people no place to do the same. 

Not a friend, not a colleague, not a friend with benefits. 

An etiquette that only Haechan could claim. 

Even if Haechan didn’t deserve that. 

Mine. My boyfriend. Mine. Mine. All mine. 

Was that wrong? Probably. 

But Haechan felt no remorse. 

Was that love? Haechan was unsure but he wanted to find out. 

So he walked over. Was Mark there because he hoped to see Haechan? "Oh, Haechan", Mark seemed genuinely surprised when the younger called his name. "What are you doing here?", the boy asked. 

Mark looked around briefly as if suddenly not knowing where he was. "The meat here is higher quality than the supermarket near my apartment", he explained and Haechan could see the way Mark's expression screamed honesty. 

He wasn’t there because of Haechan. Mark might have had a crush on the other but he was slipping away now. 

Come back, Mark. Come back to me. Call me cute again. Touch my skin. Don’t do this. Don’t play with me like this. 

"Haechan", Mark's voice wavered as the boy got suddenly closer. "We're in public". 

Haechan didn’t look away. “You didn’t care about the public last night. You let that slut fuck you in front of everyone then you dared to flirt with me and leave me on the edge like that?”, he confronted him. 

Mark’s little stunt made the younger so mad the day before that he felt like bursting in his pants during the drive home. Cheeks flushed and trembling hand, he didn’t even bother to walk to the bedroom. He closed his eyes and threw his head back to rest against the entrance door as soon as he stepped into his empty apartment. He came and came, again and again, until he felt too sensitive to touch himself anymore. God, he was so mad. 

“Haechan, are you jealous?”, Mark’s eyes relaxed, the cereal pack still between them, the gaze of some elderly ladies not leaving their backs. 

Haechan’s jaw muscles flexed. “Yeah. I am. I am jealous. I am fucking jealous. Okay? I hate it. I hate that you sleep with other people. You’re mine and mine only”, Haechan spat out quickly before he could regret saying it. 

He was panting and he didn’t even have to look at himself to know that he was all red. 

Mark’s breath hitched in a startled laugh. 

“And I hate that you have all of this control over me. I was done, okay? I was done with feelings and here you are, doing all of this bullshit to me. Your little game worked. Are you happy?”. 

Getting out of the apartment that late morning, Mark didn’t anticipate getting a confession from Haechan in the cereal aisle while said person looked up at him with furrowed eyebrows, doe eyes and a trembling lower lip. 

God, he was so cute, Mark wanted to grab his face and kiss him. 

“You saw my game and played by my rules?”, Mark asked impressed. 

“You didn’t even give me time to play at all! I got defeated before starting”, the other admitted frustrated. 

Mark chuckled. “Why are you getting mad at me, Haechan? You ignored me in the first place, sleeping with other people.” 

The boy huffed exasperated and walked away, bumping Mark in the shoulder, making the other pirouette and grab him by the forearm. 

“I was joking. Come on���, he cooed. “This is what I’ve always wanted”. 

Haechan put his tongue inside his cheek, annoyed. “What? Me making a fool out of myself?”

“Showing yourself to me”, Mark replied kindly. 

Haechan rolled his eyes, still using his faking-nonchalance-to-not-show-his-feelings technique, but Mark was already immune to that. In fact, he has been immune to that from the start. 

Haechan loved it. 

Haechan loved it so much that he got scared. It was too good to be true.

________

It was pouring heavily when they got out of the supermarket. Haechan had his apartment windows open and they could smell the scent of rain, clean and refreshing. 

It was cold but Mark's body heated the boy in a second, groceries fallen on the floor, wrapping his arms around the other’s frame. 

They did not kiss and Haechan was quite surprised but he didn't say anything, hiding his face the crook of Mark's neck instead, inhaling all of his favourite scents at the same time. 

"I called you upstairs for a different reason," Haechan mumbled, surprised at the sudden softness, the sound of his voice muffled by the other's slightly damp sweatshirt. 

"I know," Mark whispered against his temple. 

He placed a delicate kiss there, then another one slightly below, then another one, drawing a line until reaching the jaw. Haechan raised his face and Mark kissed the corner of his lips, then the other cheek, and jaw again, and the other temple. 

Haechan closed his eyes with a little smile as if giving up. 

Mark, what are you doing?".

"I want you to think", the other replied, lips still busy. Haechan scoffed. "I want to stop thinking". "I want you to think about me". 

His lips reached Haechan's forehead and stayed there for a little. 

The only sound was the rain and Haechan's quick heart. 

"I already think about you a lot", Haechan confessed, face close to Mark's collarbones. 

"And why do you want to stop?" the other murmured. 

His voice was so relaxing and calming that Haechan for a second forgot why was he trying to not think about Mark in the first place. Why was he pushing him away? Why has he been pushing him away all of that time?

Then he remembered when Mark's hands slid down Haechan's back. 

"Because I'm a bad person". Mark sighed as if he expected that but still wanted to hear the other say it. "You're not a good judge". Haechan tsk-ed. "Well, thanks, I guess." "I am the one who has to decide if you're a bad person or not, and I say that you're not." "You're blinded by love”. 

Mark hugged Haechan even tighter. 

"Yeah, I am, so Haechan, please, let me love you", his tone darkened suddenly. "Stop pushing me away. I can handle anything". 

"I'm going to fuck up", Haechan shook his head. 

"You won't and if you do, I still want to take my chances. What if I fuck up before you do?" 

Haechan laughed, resting his chin on Mark's chest, rising his face to look at the boy in the eyes. "Mark, you're a saint".

The saint’s eyes were those of a sinner though when he pressed his thumb on Haechan’s plump, lower lip. 

"Have you ever made love to someone before?", he asked with a deep voice. 

Haechan's eyes widened with amusement. "Are you joking? I’m a hoe.” 

Mark hummed. "No. I said, love. Have you? Because I haven't either and I desperately want to make love to you right now". 

And Mark was right. 

Haechan had never made love with someone before and he realized it as soon as the other's hands cupped his cheeks, kissing his lips softly, pushing him back towards the bed, making him sit on it, letting Haechan watch as Mark elegantly took away his sweatshirt first then the shirt underneath it. 

Haechan blinked, emotions he has never felt before invading his whole body as Mark pushed him down with a gentle touch, kissing his stomach and going up, taking Haechan's top with him, letting the cold air caress his skin making it all shiver. It would have shivered anyways, goosebumps forming at every feathery touch of Mark's lips. They took away all of the remaining clothes, touching each other slowly, curiously, exploring everything, with fingertips and lips and tongues. Attentive, remembering which stroke made the other whine louder, what kind of whisper pleased the ears more, what pet name made the other blush. 

It was still raining hard, but they weren't cold, tightly wrapped in each other arms, the heavy covers to hide their secret whispers from the world. They were hidden in giggles and heavy breaths, "here?", "yeah", "like this?", "hmm", and Haechan felt so present. He was there, at that moment and he was seen. Mark was looking at him, really looking and Haechan didn't have to do anything to make it happen. There was no reason to put on an act. He just had to be himself. Vulnerable and- "cute," Mark whispered, chests rising, short breaths, his thumb caressing Haechan's red cheeks. 

"Say it again", Haechan smiled. 

Mark imitated him, his lips murmuring the word until they didn't have to, the feeling of it lingering in the air by itself.

[jtsfavslut]

Stages [4/6]

Description: In which a girl goes through six stages to realize and accept the fact that her marriage is going downhill.

Stage Three: Revenge

- Stages 1

- Stages 2

- Stages 3

- Stages 5

Description: Yeimy plans a way to confront Grayson about his affair, only she doesn’t want him to think she was affected.

Warnings: Yeimy goes psycho, cursing, threats, mentions of serial killers but it sounds funny.

Word Count: 2.6k+

After Grayson ended the phone call, you went back to the kitchen and cried.

You cried like a fucking bitch. But you had the right to. Someone just broke your heart without a tad bit of care. 

You felt disgusting for letting him touch you that way, even if it wasn’t your fault, he was the love of your life for the love of God.

You wiped your tears and with a few deep breaths, you looked as happy as ever, thanks to the powers of being a woman and childhood trauma. You walked into the room as if nothing happened, sending him death glares when he wasn’t looking. 

“Hey, whatcha eat?” he asked with a smile that made you sick to your stomach.

“A few fruit roll ups,” you replied casually, thanking those few theater classes you were forced to take in high school, giving you the ability to act casual. 

“Oh nice,” he replied and went back to his phone, while you glared the fuck out of his face.

Hatred wasn’t enough to describe what you were feeling for him at the moment. You despised him if that was enough, for betraying your trust, for playing you as if you were some kind of special edition monopoly. 

You stayed quiet for the rest of the night, on your phone until he finally went to bed. 

You knew he was a deep sleeper so you waited a few minutes to make sure he was really asleep and carefully grabbed his phone from the nightstand, typing in his dad’s birthday, unlocking it, and going to his recent calls. 

The last called being ‘love <3’ you clicked on the contact and your heart rate dropped immediately. 

You knew that number from the bottom of your heart, ignoring your feelings you checked the messages with that number, taking pictures with your phone, while your stomach was filled with disgust, hatred, anger, and hurt. 

You quickly put everything back the way it was, making sure to close all the apps, and placed his phone back on the nightstand while your mind ran faster than the speed of light. 

You didn’t cry. You couldn’t cry, you were too upset too, however, the punching bag that Grayson used to practice with at the little gym area in your basement felt a tad bit relieving. 

It was 2, almost 3 in the morning and you were still in your basement, crying and punching, beating the shit out of the innocent bag that your imagination made sure to place his and her face on, letting out all your anger on it.

You took a short shower, washing away some part of your anger and memories from the night, and made your way to one of the many guest rooms to try and get some rest. 

And a week later you were on your way to his office. Ethan had told you it was everyone’s day off today, including Grayson’s; While Grayson told you that he had two meetings today. 

You had made sure to pack all of your belongings before leaving the dreadful property, that was once your happy home. 

Your black and highly expensive Louis Vuitton heels made clicking sounds as you walked inside the building, your skin-tight black dress wrapped around your body oh so perfectly, hugging your curves exactly the way you wanted it to.

“Grayson, Ambar,” you said, walking inside his office to be met with Ambar straddling Grayson on his office chair while his lips were on her neck, that was until they heard your voice causing them to jump up and pull away from each other. “Lovely to see you both,” you sarcastically added and sat on one of the chairs in front of his desk. 

“What the-,” Amber began saying as she got off from his lap before you cut her off. 

“Ambar, you shut the fuck up,” you calmly said, moving up your glasses to your forehead. “You’re lucky I go to church now” you muttered.

“Yeimy what are you doing here?” Grayson had the nerve to ask, making you chuckle. 

“Oh, what a great question Grayson, I’m actually here to give you this” you smiled holding up a manila folder before placing it on his desk. 

“What is this?” he asked, picking it up from his desk. 

“Divorce papers. I don’t want to be associated with your pig cheating ass pendejo self,” you shrugged.

“Don’t talk to him that way,” Ambar shouted, getting closer to you, too close for your comfort. 

“You dear, are hilarious. You know how I get Ambar, and I suggest you shut your fucking mouth the fuck up before I have to remind you,” you said through gritted teeth while getting up from your chair causing her to take a step back.

“I’m not scared of you Yeimy,” she laughed, yet you managed to hear the nerves within her laugh, making you laugh. 

“I don’t want you to be scared of me, I just want you to remember about the time I almost went to jail because of you. Remember that? How I almost murdered someone because of you, because you pick fights and run away. Remember, how I slammed her head on the table. Because I sure know I do,” you said recalling a certain event from the past year, you don’t even remember what it was about, because it wasn’t your fight, it was her. She messed with the wrong people and someone had touched you and Karina making you join in and clean her mess while she went away. Luckily the girl didn’t press charges otherwise this would have been a different story.

“That’s just psychotic,” she scoffed and you shook your head. 

“Nah, I think it’s more Ted Bundy like, but that’s not the point,” you replied, getting fed up with the conversation.

“The point is you and you are dead to me,” you said pointing to her and Grayson noticing Grayson had an unreadable look on his face. 

“My lawyer will be here on Friday to pick up those papers, and I expect them to be signed by then Grayson. Don’t waste any more of my fucking time,” You added picking up your purse and putting your glasses back on your eyes.

“Have a nice drive back to your home Grayson, espero que te pudras en el Infierno, hijo de puta. ( I hope you rot in hell son of a bitch. I'm sorry Lisa I love you) You smirked as you walked away swaying your hips as your hair bounced with every step you took.

You finally reached the parking lot, where Grayson’s freshly painted Buggati laid, the car that he had rambled on and on about until he finally got it. 

While you happened to have a nice fresh bat in your hand, that accidentally busted all of his windows open.

“What are you doing you psycho,” Ambar said running over to you while Grayson stood frozen by the entrance. “You think you’re Harley Quinn” she shouted, ripping the bat off of your hands. 

“I mean she is hot, so thanks” you shrugged, and pat your dress to get any pieces of glass off. 

“Grayson’s mine now, and you’re mad just admit it,” she said causing you to laugh.

“I feel bad for you, that man couldn’t care less about you, you wanna fucking see?” you asked and she lifted up one of her brows challenging you. 

You quickly wrapped your left hand around her neck, slamming her against the car while her face was filled with fear. “You see, he didn’t move an inch,” you said and let go of her and wiped your hands on your clothes. 

“Just remember something Ambar. I made you who you are today. I begged Grayson to let you work here, I let you stay at my house when you got kicked out of yours, I fucking fed you when you didn’t have enough money to even buy a pack of Ramen. And I don’t like to talk about the things I do for people because I do them out of love, but just remember that without me you wouldn’t be shit today. Without me, you would have no job, no house, and no car. But I wish you well,” you said and began to walk back to your car. 

“I wish you both well, have a nice fucking life, Dolan. Oh and you might want to do laundry, all your clothes smell like me, actually the entire house does,” you said before getting in your car and speeding away to who knows where. 

You couldn’t go back to your house since it was no longer yours, Karina was at work. And all hotel check out started at three and it was barely 1 pm leaving you with only one choice. 

“Get in Grant,” you shouted at Ethan through the open car window. 

He got in the car and didn’t speak, noticing your tense state, and he didn’t speak for the rest of the drive to your favorite spot. The beach. 

“He cheated on me E. He cheated on me with Ambar,” you cried once you put the car in park and took off your seatbelt. 

“I’m sorry Yeimy, I’m so fucking sorry,” he said and his arms immediately wrapped around you pulling you closer to him. 

He let you cry on his shoulder until there were no more tears left for you to cry. 

You lifted your head off his shoulder and he got out of the car, walking over to your side and opening your door. 

“Come on, take off your shoes,” he said once he noticed you were wearing heels, you quickly bent down and took them off, carefully throwing them inside your car. 

He took your hand and led you down the sand, where he found a nice rock for you both to sit in. 

“I don’t know if you want to talk about it, but I’m here to listen if you’re willing too,” he softly said as you laid your head on his shoulder once again. He sent a quick text to Karina to let her know what was happening and she replied that she would be there as soon as possible.

“It was so obvious E. So fucking obvious, he would leave for work three hours early and come back at three am with lipstick stains all over his collar, he wouldn’t kiss me anymore, he wasn’t even wearing his ring. And I saw all of it. I saw it all, but I pushed it to the side like a dumb bitch. And then he returned back to his normal self for about a week, and everything was alright, and I know this sounds nasty, but we had sex one night and I went to get a snack and when I came back he was on the phone with her. Telling her how he only did it so that I would lay off of him. And I cried for hours E. And what hurts the most is that I still love him,” you ranted but he listened. 

He listened to every word you said because you were important to him and you were hurting because of his twin. He wanted to punch him so badly for hurting you. The only one that knew him for who he was, the one that wanted nothing for the best for him, the one that left it all behind just so that you could be there for him, to be there when he needed you the most. He couldn’t understand why he would do such a thing. 

He wanted to know what was going through his brother’s mind. But at the same time, he didn’t even want to see his face in pictures. 

“Yeimy, I know everything I’m going to say isn’t going to help much, but it’s the truth. I have no fucking idea of what is going through his mind right now. And I hope he comes to his senses soon, even if it’s too late. And I know that as his brother I should be defending him, but I can’t. I can’t because this is his mess not mine, and the same way he got himself into it he can get himself out of it. However, Karina and I are going to be with you every step of the way because we love you and you don’t deserve any of this. Hell, no one should go through this. And as for Ambar, you knew I never fucking liked her, her vibes were always off. And she should be thankful because you helped her when no one else did. You’re a good person Yeimy and you’re gonna get through this, I know you can” he reassured you giving you a tight hug making you feel a bit better. 

You sat in silence until Karina arrived, where she talked to you and let you cry on her shoulder just when you thought you were done with crying. 

“You know, I just want to know what I did wrong,” you sighed looking into the horizon, where the sun seemed to be getting closer to meeting the ocean water. 

“You did nothing wrong, bebe. You did exactly what a wife should do. Now where is E, I’m hungry,” she said, asking about her husband's whereabouts. He had left about 20 minutes ago to go get food for all of you.

“I don’t know, he should be here soon tho,” you shrugged as your hand played with some sand. 

“Yeimy, y dónde te vas a quedar?” Karina asked where you were going to stay since it was pretty obvious you couldn’t go back home.

“In a hotel until Thursday, I went apartment hunting the day after his phone call, y encontre uno, caro but it’s LA so you know. (and I found one, it’s expensive)” you shrugged and pulled out your phone to show her your apartment. 

“It’s so cute Yeimy, how many rooms?” she asked, scrolling through the pictures. 

“Three rooms, it’s the only one that was available, and it’s only three thousand which is not that bad,” you shrugged and she nodded her head.

“You have money, and you’re working at Vogue now. I love having rich friends,” she joked, making you laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Ethan asked from behind, making both of you jump up, he sat down handing out burgers from some restaurant he liked. 

“Nothing, just that Yeimy is rich. Also, did you see her new apartment?” she asked him, unwrapping her food and taking a bite.

“No so show me,” he said and you handed him your phone with the pictures. “How are you gonna get your jeep there, you can only drive one car at the time you know?” he asked, making you chuckle. 

“One of ya’ll can take it there for me, and I’ll just drive this one,” you shrugged referring to the car you took here, a Tesla that Grayson insisted on you getting. 

Karina said she’ll take it for you, and you ate your food in silence, the only sounds coming for the animals and the waves.

After that, you went to your hotel and cried. 

You cried until you fell asleep. (me as fuck)

Stages 5

Tags:  @angelgrayson @rhyrhy462 @333dolans @vinylhazza @foxglovedolan @dolanissues @mercurygrant @persistence-ofmemories @dolansficsandpics @blindedbythelightt @kinkygrays @pineappledols @the-evolution-of-stupidity @evergreendolan @beatement-l @graydolan12

[katehuntington]

Title: Black Dog - part seven Word count: 3100± words Episode summary: When  Sam gets an anonymous phone call with information about his father,   Dean receives a text message with coordinates to different location. The  brothers clash and split up, one following orders, the other trusting his instincts. Meanwhile, in the wilderness of Cascade Range, Washington  State, Zoë loses grip on a personal case and is forced to confront her  demons. Without back up, this might very well turn out to be her final  hunt. Part seven summary: Zoë and Dean try to form a plan of action, now that they are stuck in a cabin with hellhounds surrounding them. One wrong move can mean their end. Episode warnings: Dark! NSFW, 18+ only!   Angst, gore, violence, character death. Description of blood, injury and medical procedures. Supernatural creatures/entities, mentions of   demon possession. Swearing, smoking, weaponry. Descriptions of  torture  and murder. Illegal/criminal practices. Mentions of nightmares and flashbacks. Descriptions of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, depression, panic attacks, hallucinations. Author’s note: Beta’d by @winchest09​​​​​​​ & @deanwanddamons​​​​​​​​. Thanks, girls!

Supernatural: The Sullivan Series Masterlist

S1E03 “Black Dog” Masterlist

     “Can I ask you somethin’?”

     Zoë looks up, but can’t see the hunter who prolonged her life from where she’s sitting. She hasn’t moved much, still facing the fire that is raging now, filling the cabin with a comfortable heat. The tremors have stopped, her respiration much calmer now. Her body seems to have recovered from the initial shock of the traumatic attack. With the adrenaline gone, her leg hurts badly, though, the pain having her grit her teeth. She tries her best to block out the loud noises of pots and plates being moved in the cupboards of the small kitchen, increasing both her headache and frustration.      “Shoot,” she replies, her voice much weaker than she would like it to come out of her mouth.      “If you were so dead set on dying,” Dean says while pulling out a drawer, “then why did you stock up enough food and water to survive a fucking apocalypse?”      The huntress scoffs. “Hoping for a miracle, I guess.”      “Does this mean I’m your miracle?”       Dean moves into her peripheral vision with a can of tomato soup, a pot, some cutlery, and a can-opener in hand, setting the items down on the ground next to her for later. He has a boyish smirk on his face, apparently amused with his own remark.      Zoë rolls her eyes. She’s been stuck in this little house on a hillside for a little over an hour now, and this manchild is already getting on her nerves.

     “Let’s see if I can work miracles and get some help, because I have a feeling we’re gonna need it,” Dean slides his hand into the pocket of his leather coat, taking out his phone.      Zoë watches him, noticing a hint of hesitation. “Who you gonna call?” she wonders.      “The nerd.”      “He’s downhill?” she presumes.

     Dean drags his teeth over his bottom lip, but doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares at his Motorola as he looks up Sam’s number. His thumb hovers over the call button, but he doesn’t press it. Judging from the pause, Zoë is able to connect the dots; she knows something happened between the brothers.

     “You two got into a fight, didn’t you?” she assumes, not beating around the bush.      He glances over his phone to meet her gaze, then confirms with a nod. She can distinguish the concern and guilt in his stance; it’s bothering him.      “That bad, huh?” Zoë huffs. “Where is he then?”      “He was heading to Nashville,” Dean tells her.      “Tennessee?” she checks, stunned. “That’s a long way from Waco. Why the hell is he there?”      “It was the weirdest thing,” the older Winchester recalls, still unable to wrap his head around the strange lead that ultimately led them to have the biggest fight since Sam went to Stanford. “Someone called him, didn’t identify herself, and claimed that she knew where Dad was.”

     Zoë frowns, her interest peaked. For one, she is very curious about how this Mystery Lady would have gotten her hands on that kind of information, since John has basically been as invisible as a ghost. She knows, because she has been trying to track him down as well, but of course, that is a detail the huntress is going to keep to herself.

     “How did she get Sam’s number?” she questions, instead.      Dean shrugs. “Beats me, but when it comes to finding Dad, Sam can be quite--”      “- obsessive? Yeah, I've noticed,” Zoë chuckles, remembering the long conversations she had with Sam and the arguments the boys had in her presence.

     The guy who usually is so quick to respond to such a comment, seems distracted now, staring down at his Motorola. “Fuck.”      “No signal?” she presumes.      “Nada,” Dean sighs, thinking of another solution. “We need to reach him, especially if David sends out an S.O.S. signal. Sam needs to realize what he’s dealing with before he charges up here.”

     Realizing the Winchester in her company is right, she ponders. If the younger brother goes into this case without knowing that the hellhounds are off their leash and will attack anyone they come across, he is going to get torn to pieces. Dean and David are lucky, if there even is such a thing. The hunter is as stuck as she is, and the hellhounds might have caught up with the only Cleveland survivor; the kid could be dead for all she knows. 

     She adjusts her leg a little, carefully testing its mobility. The swelling is starting to pull at her skin, so she props her foot up again on the plastic first aid briefcase, watching Dean in the meantime. He has crouched down by the backpack he was carrying and mutters a few curse words under his breath while rummaging through it.

     “What are you looking for?” Zoë wonders.      “The kid packed a satellite phone,” he says, giving up his search, recalling that the zipper of the backpack wasn’t entirely closed when he took it off earlier. “Shit, I must have dropped it outside.”

     Annoyed with the rookie mistake, Dean gets up and walks over to one of the windows. There he listens carefully, but he can’t detect any sign of the hounds. No growl, no nothing; it’s almost too quiet. Ready to pick up any sign of movement, the hunter scans the area outside, but there’s nothing living nor dead to be seen. Then he spots the black device in the snow, just a yard away from the cabin.      “I see it.”

     “So what? It’s not like you can go out there.” Zoë pushes herself up on the edge of the table, careful not to put any pressure on her injured leg. Leaning against the pillar, she follows Dean’s fixed gaze. Without hesitation, the either fearless or oblivious  hunter intends to go out, his hand already reaching for the iron latch.      “Dean! Are you fucking nuts?!” Zoë calls out, dazed. “And you call me suicidal?”      “We need that phone, Zo,” he reminds her, his hand still on the handle.      “Do you have altitude sickness or something?!” The wounded huntress steps forward, her leg almost buckling, but Dean’s fast reflexes prevent her from hitting the floor.      “What are you doing? You shouldn’t even be standing up,” he scolds, steadying her.      “What am I doing?! If you go out there, those motherfuckers will rip you to shreds!” she argues, smacking his hand away.      “Yeah, and if we don’t contact Sam, he will!” he reminds her as he hands the shotgun to his current hunting partner, his green eyes intense. “I haven’t seen them yet. If they are still focused on you, they might not attack me.”      She meets him with the same fire in her eyes, keeping a tight grip on his biceps before he does something stupid. “And what if they do?”      “You’ll back me up,” he says, trusting her. “Okay?”

     Zoë stares at him for a couple of seconds, but then sighs, realizing that he makes a good point. If they are not able to reach his brother before he gets here, he will sign his death warrant the second he sets foot on the mountain. Reluctantly, she lets go of his arm and takes the gun, holding the action release button before she pumps the slide to force the shells into the chambers. “Okay.”

     He nods and turns away from her, glancing at the black and white world outside. Nervously, he takes a breath, collecting himself before he steps into the wolves den; here goes nothing. 

     The latch unlocks and the door opens. Careful not to break the line of goofer dust, Dean steps onto the porch and looks back for a second, sharing one last look with the huntress, then descends down the stairs. 

     It’s eerie how quiet the forest is. At midnight, the trees stopped whispering in the wind and even now he could still hear a penny drop. Even through his boots, the snow feels cold as he walks on it, highly aware of the crunching sound with every footprint the hunter leaves. Dean isn’t anxious often. But right now, being as exposed as he is, it ambushes him. Alert, he bridges the few yards between himself and the phone, trying to be as stealthy as possible. He ducks to pick it up, when he hears it; a deep, low growl.

     “Oh, fuck,” Zoë whimpers, staring past the hunter wide-eyes. 

     Slowly, Dean looks up into a pair of red eyes which light up in the darkness of the woods. It approaches him like a predator sneaking up on his prey, its head hanging low between its shoulders, every motion calculated. While Dean stares straight into the hypnotizing fiery orbs that seem to be portals to the afterworld downstairs, the wind picks up and begins to circle around the cabin. Zoë is shocked when she notices that the goofer dust at her feet is blown off the threshold; there goes their last line of defense. A shiver of both fear and the cold has her trembling as she holds up the shotgun, peering over the double barrel. The beast in the shadow inches closer to Dean, until the moonlight falls on the creature, revealing its true form.

     “Hey - uh, Zo?” Dean asks without moving a muscle. “These hellhounds, do they look like bear-sized monster mutts with hellfire burning in their eyes?”      Zoë inhales sharply, lifting her cheek from the stock of her weapon. Shit. He can see it. He can see the fucking hellhound. Realizing that Dean is a split second away from being torn apart, she swallows apprehensively, steadying her rifle in order to fire. 

     The hunter’s hand hovers over the essential device in the snow as he tries to form a plan of action, but he’s captivated by the bone-chilling creature before him. He has never seen anything animal-like so evil as what is standing before the hunter. It’s an absolute monster, about the size of an Irish wolfhound. It looks like one too, but its dark fur is anything but soft and cuddly. The hair on the back of the creature stands straight up, like splinters of obsidian. The beast growls, fixed on its target, showing its razor-sharp teeth, blood dripping from its mouth. 

     Dean stares back, contemplating his next move. Frozen to the ground, he holds his breath, aware that any sudden movement will trigger Hell’s watchdog to charge him. The hunter sets his jaw, never breaking away from the definition of Death before him, until movement in the black shades surrounding him draws his attention. A second pair of eyes appears, then a third, and a fourth. Within seconds he can count a total of six hounds.

He exhales with a shudder. I am so fucked.

     Who is going to make the first move? Dean knows it has to be him, because if he gives the evil creatures only a fraction of a head’s start, he’s going to end up with a lot of stitches, and that’s only if he’s lucky. Bracing himself and gathering his courage, Dean  takes a breath and counts down. 3… 2… 1… 

     Lightning fast, he snatches the phone from the snow and dashes back for the cabin. As fast as his legs can take him, he sprints to safety, but he can hear the beast that was closest to him lunge itself at its victim.

     “Get down!!!”      It’s Zoë’s high-pitched voice that cuts through the night air. He takes her cue and dives for the ground, rolling on his side. A mistake, because the vision of the hellhound coming towards him with tremendous speed is one that will surely leave him with a nightmare or two if he survives this. 

     Right before the supernatural being is about to release its fury, the creature is shot out of the air and squeals like a pup. Knowing he can’t afford to lose a second, Dean gets on his feet and rushes towards the porch. He registers the comforting sound of a shotgun reloading before another loud bang echoes through the valley. Almost there, Dean.

     But instead of just one hellhound, a whole bunch of them arise from the shadows now. Zoë’s eyes widen; there’s no way she can handle them all. She lowers her rifle and backs out. She doesn’t have a choice, there is no other way. What she’s about to do isn’t like anything she tried before, but it’s their only shot of staying alive. 

     As Dean stumbles in, the shotgun clatters against the floor. He turns around to close the only barrier between them, horrified when he witnesses the first two creatures already within inches of the threshold; they’re not going to keep them out of the cabin. But before the hunter can blink, the door slams closed with unmeasurable speed and power without anyone touching it, cutting off the creatures outside. Barking like mad, they march against the wood like a battering ram, clawing to get inside. 

     Unable to process the unexpected scene that plays out in front of him, Dean snaps his head towards his hunting partner, watching in shock how the woman has her right hand heaved up in front of her, fingers spread out and shaking. Her eyes are firmly closed, respiration fast and frantic. Holy fucking shit, this is her doing, Dean realizes. Whatever energy she’s sending towards the door, works because the dogs can’t get through. 

     “Dean, the goofer dust!” she exclaims over the sound of barking and growling, needing every ounce of her power to keep the barrier closed.      Zoë’s order brings him back, time speeding up again. He grabs the bag and quickly lays out a line on the doorstep. As soon as he has connected one side of the doorframe with the other, the pressure on the door drops as if someone flipped a switch. Out of breath, Zoë lowers her hand and opens her eyes as an almost unbearable headache comes to the huntress. Trying to cast it out, she pinches the bridge of her nose while fresh blood drips down from her nostrils. For a moment, she feels like she is going to pass out, but then the pain begins to fade to a level she can cope with. Whoa, that was intense. 

     She didn’t think she could do it, but she did. Making a whiskey bottle fall off a shelf in Beetle’s Bar is one thing, talking to Sam only using her mind is another, but this was a whole new experience. Of course, she has practiced her telekinesis, but never before has she used it on a supernatural creature. She’s getting better, or worse - depending on how she looks at it. 

     Dean, who can’t believe what he just saw, stares at her, his jaw slightly dropped and eyes wide. When Zoë glances aside, he knows she can see the indignation in his glare, detest even. He always assumed there was more to the huntress they crossed paths with only recently, but never once did he expect this. Who - or what - is standing before him, is anything but human.

     “Christo!” he shouts.      “I’m not a demon,” she assures.      “Then what the hell are you?” he asks, his upper lip twitching with a hint of hatred.       What. He asked her what she is. Not who, but what. Zoë swallows with difficulty as she collects the courage to speak again, hurt by his choice of words.      “I’m human,” she tries to assure him, her voice breaking. “Dean, it’s me.”

     She steps closer, but Dean quickly draws his Colt M1911 from behind his waistband. Alarmed and cautious, she moves both her hands up as a gesture of surrender. “Easy, tiger.”      “Leave her the fuck alone,” Dean sneers, convinced a demon is possessing his hunting partner.      “Would you drop it already?! You just yelled ‘Christo’ at me. Here, I can say it myself! Now if I was a demon, that would be a fucking awesome trick, wouldn’t it?” she fires back.      “Shut up,” Dean mutters, starting to doubt himself, yet unable to take his finger off the trigger.

     “It’s all mighty fine that I’m staring down the barrel, but a bullet won’t kill a demon. It will kill me, though,” she brings to mind, pointing at her chest.      “A human is not supposed to be able to do that kind of freaky shit!” Dean exclaims firmly, still aiming the .45 caliber at her.      “Neither is Sam, but I don’t see you pointing a gun at him!” she returns.

     He swallows apprehensively, brought out of balance by her rapid reply. He hates to admit it, but it’s a valid comparison, one that scares him. Because if he’s able to keep Zoë at gunpoint, what does that say about how abnormal his brother’s abilities are?      “Do you want to soak me in holy water if that makes you feel better? Fine, be my guest,” Zoë offers, waving her hands to the side.

     But Dean already lowers his Colt M1911 and flips the safety on, the engravings in the metal catching the light from the fire as he tucks it behind his waistband again. The hunter looks away, aghast, the mixture of doubt and distress that he’s experiencing throwing him off. Unsettled, he peers outside, but the hellhounds have disappeared. He thought he understood Zoë’s fear for these things, but now that he actually can see them, he’s experiencing that same anxiety. His heart is racing so severely he can feel it beating in his chest, and his breathing does not seem to slow down either. Almost dying is something he has gotten used to over the years, but almost going to Hell is a new one.

     “You okay?” Zoë checks, noticing his weariness.      “Yeah, I’m okay,” he claims, annoyed by the fact that he isn’t.      He starts pacing through the cabin slowly, keeping a sharp eye on the door. But it’s not just the creatures he keeps an eye on, he can’t help but monitor Zoë too. He huffs almost unnoticeable. You fucking idiot, you thought you had her figured. There’s a whole lot more to Zoë Sullivan than she shows, that’s for sure.

     “It’s a good thing we’ll be stuck up here for a while, because it’s about damn time you start talking,” he makes clear, done playing catch-up.      The woman across from him wipes her bloody nose with the back of her hand before she suggests otherwise. “We better make that call first.”

     Dean knows she’s avoiding the subject, but she has a point; he needs to reach out to his brother. He picks up the satellite phone and inserts the country code and Sam’s cell number, but before he presses the green button, he hesitates. He knows Sam. He knows his stubborn pain in the ass little brother; there is no way he is gonna talk to him after their fight. As soon as he will hear Dean’s voice, he will hang up, yet the one person he has been wanting to talk for days, is sitting right across from him.      He hands Zoë the phone. “You call him.”

Thank  you so much for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if  you  do want to give me some extra love, you are free to reblog my work  or buy me coffee (Link in bio at the  top of the page)

Read part eight here

[checkerflats]

Haven't been on tumblr in a long time. Felt like this was a decent place to write since nobody I know really uses tumblr anymore. I wanted to talk about my journey over the last few years and tumblr feels private enough a place to do so.

I moved to Florida 3 years ago (well as of this upcoming March) and at first life was decent. I tried to acclimate myself, stay healthy, positive, supportive, etc. At some point during that first year, I became incredibly depressed, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed trying to support myself (I did have a good friend group to help me) but down the line I had convinced myself I had a plan and that it was 'my plan, I thought of it' so instead of talking to the people I cared about and loved, I continued to try to do things in my own way.

A belief is a thought you have that you like. My belief was that I was the only one who could tell me what to do. And I never told myself to shut up and listen to people; realize they're saying what they're saying because they care. I became toxically selfish. I started judging my friends and peers opinions, being an asshole, being inconsiderate to everyone around me, unwilling to talk about my issues (and if I did I sounded like a narcissistic twat), etc.

To make a long story short, I resulted to drinking to cope with my overwhelmed thoughts and feelings. This isnt an excuse. It's just what happened. It in no way makes my behavior acceptable. In fact, anyone who knows me and how I act when drinking changes my thinking patterns would attest that it's only ever made anything worse. Even days or weeks without doing so, it affects me on such a negative level that negativity is the only lense through which I view the world and its inhabitants. I become the definition of nihilistic.

This led me to losing my friends, my loved ones, my job, housing, and ultimately respect from others and respect for myself. It was devastating and I did it to myself. After July of 2019 I started to refrain from drinking and honestly believed I had become the best version of myself. I got a new apartment, job, new friends who have still supported me to this day, albeit, upon making these leisurely friends who wanted to be wild, I felt I should--I wanted to participate. It was fun for a minute, and I was sober for about a month or two..

I'd begun to drink with them every now and then, never alone or at home, never two days in a row. I thought I could be a casual drinker. However, these friends and I stopped drinking for the most part, and begun to do a lot of acid (one thing I wouldn't say is neccesarily bad or addictive, in moderation) and a LOT of xanax. I started to learn a whole new meaning of 'fucked up' and went downhill faster than Jack and Jill could even imagine, baby!

By December, a friend and I decided we'd start doing cocaine. Fuck it, right? That got bad quick. It only lasted about 2 months on and off until we realized how crazy it was and that we needed to actually save our money (and sanity) so we stopped. By this point (March/April of 2020) I'd stopped doing everything other than weed. That inevitably led me straight back to drinking. This time it was everyday again, alone, at home, you get the point. When coronavirus hit I lost my job, couldn't find another anywhere therefore couldnt afford rent, was constantly in scary situations for 2 months (drunk), and decided it was best to GTFO and high tail it back to Ohio by May of 2020.

This took me months to realize, but I had so subtly slipped back into mass depression. Being back in Ohio, around triggers and friends who'd grown apart from me, I felt helpless and alone. I began drinking all the time. When I'd wake up, all throughout my shifts at work, at 2 am once the beers I'd had after work were buzzing off.. I was having the worst thoughts and feelings possible that I won't elaborate on because, again, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses or even manipulating the perception of whoever might read this. I did this to myself. My behavior was absolutley unacceptable. I'd been put on probation for drinking, I'd been arrested for it even once in my own bed sound asleep (lets not go into how corrupt the law enforcement is in Mansfield, OH). The point is I'd broken the law and, regardless of the circumstances, the law is the law and it comes with consequences.

By October of 2020 I'd agreed that the best case of action was to go to a treatment center for addiction. The center was more or less a joke at first until a counselor committed to actually helping us started working there in mid-November. All in all being sober long enough to get back to a focused, rational, kind state of mind has put me in a euphoric state of content more so than any materialistic or temporary feeling that a substance or whatever else could bring me. Real peace is better than fake, self-driven delusion. I got released from the center today (1/13/21).

What I'm trying to get across is that if it wasnt for those who care for me after all the shit I've put them through, if I hadn't accepted I had a problem and my plan wasnt working, I'd still be that other guy. If you give up your ideals and listen to a 'Higher Power', (a 'God', a group of people as in power in numbers, a spiritual intuition that things happen for a reason and you agree you alone can't solve issues the same way you've tried 1000 times over and failed) whatever your view on that is, if you are willing to change and accept support you will be able to find genuine serenity.

That other guy is still in there. I have to continue working my program daily and catch myself if I slip up, be prepared to tell others, make amends (unless that would make things worse) and by all means listen to their advice in order to turn 4 months of sobriety (even from weed, but this is mostly about drinking) into 4 years, and so on. If you read all this (well first off, thank you, like.. golly!) and you are someone who knows me, then I'm sure that's hard to believe because everyone who knows me has heard me say before that 'I am quitting alcohol!' when in all honestly all those same people probably knew damn well I was just trying to convince them rather than myself and even if I did want to stop, I still had a desire to do it. That's where I can finally cut ties and announce that I, personally to myself, no longer have the desire for alcohol. Today. Right now. One day at a time. I despise it. It took my ambitions and spat them in my face along with my kindness, positivity, all my goals and loved ones like they all meant nothing and I am sick and tired of enabling that feeling. The world we live in is full addiction. Eating, technology, fame, money, power, caffeine, nicotone, sugar, sex, drugs, rock and roll--you get it okay? None of those will bring anything of substantial value or genuine joy. Being selfish will bring nothing but suffering. Be kind and loving. Love is salvation.

Once more, if you read all this, you're a saint and I thank you and hope your life, if not already, becomes (and continues to be) positive, peaceful and great. Love yourself, the best and worst. Face fear head on and never give up. Always lend a hand to those who clearly need it and if they turn it away like I did so many times, all you can do is hope and pray they'll get to the point of acceptance someday. I am so grateful for the oppurtunity I had to turn my life around. I am thankful for every single person who's come and gone and the help they offered before and after I actually admitted it was neccessary. I'll try and be of service to others when and where I can. Stay safe, world.

-cone

[scornedlove]

Chapter Twenty-Nine

ROBYN

I called Mel to blow off some steam, but her phone was going straight to voicemail. To say I was boiling was an understatement. Half an hour later, I found myself asking for a shot of whiskey at the nearest bar. Some place that probably hadn’t had a new customer in weeks. 

“I’ll take a water with lemon” John stated, his eyes roaming the dark room. The place was small, yet cold and unfamiliar. There wasn’t many people here, but you could tell the few present were regulars.  

“Thanks for coming in with me, I know this ain’t in ya job description” I sighed, trying my hardest not to dump all my problems on him.

“I’m just glad you got up out the house. I was beginning to think you replaced me” 

“You know better than that! You ain’t getting rid of me that easy” I chuckled in surprise. I tossed back my shot and motioned for the bartender to refill me, wasting no time to toss that one back too.

“This whiskey’s not gonna have you trying to throw bottles upside my head again is it?”

“I promise I’ll behave myself” I crossed my heart with my right hand. “Sometimes, I get so worked up and I just need to take the edge off. Whiskey helps.”

“Don’t let this shit be your go to” he advised, glancing over his shoulder to see who walked in when the door opened.

“Shopping is my go to, Mary Jane is definitely the runner up, but this shit easily takes third place.” I admitted, nonchalantly. “Everybody needs an outlet”  

“You gonna have to find some better outlets. I know it’s hard, but I’ve been where you are before and it ain’t a pretty place. I’m not going to sit back and watch you spiral downhill.”

“Eh, to each their own. I’m sure you got your outlets.” I shrugged, before requesting another refill and quickly gulping it down. John just shook his head and looked back at the door as a couple of people walked out. I loved how alert he always was, it made me feel safe. Safe enough, to order another shot.

“Can you at least slow down?” he demanded rather than asked. “Ain’t no way yo tolerance that high.”

“Boy please! I am Bajan, we can hold our liquor.” I teased, starting to feel myself. The whiskey had my temperature rising, so I slid my jacket down on to the stool. The bartender placed my refill in front of me, this time flashing his dingy smile while his eyes burned a hole in my chest. 

“Thanks, we’ll let you know if we need anything else” John practically yelled to snap him from his daze.

“Sorry man. We don’t get models in here often” he apologized before tending to the other couple at the bar.

“Bullshit” I blurted before falling into giggles. “I know I look like shit today, but that was a good save”

“You ready? Cause I’m ready to get up outta here.” John stood, with his mind made up. He’s never bossed me around before and oddly enough, it was turning me on.

“Wait, just let me get-”

“You’ve had enough, let’s go.” he ordered, looking down at me. I was beginning to imagine his dark skin on mine and realized he was right. It had to be the liquor taking over, so I shook the thought away and stood like he requested. 

 "Yeah, you’re right, I uh, need to do some shopping anyway.” I stammered, leaving a few twenty's on the counter before leading the way out. 

The ride to the mall was awkward. I rolled and smoked an entire blunt to myself on the way. I could tell John was pissed, but I didn’t understand why or even cared to ask. I’m sick of people trying to give me advice I didn’t ask for. I’m grown as hell and if I want to get fucked up in the middle of the day on a Monday, then that’s what I’ll do. 

“I know how long these trips can be and I don’t want you to feel rushed, just give me a call when you’re ready” he stated, once we reached the mall entrance.

“Don’t even worry about it. Thanks for the ride, enjoy the rest of your day” I added, jumping out the back seat before he’d even come to a complete stop. I didn’t want to be around his bad energy, that shit was contagious. I’ll just have to take a cab home. I’d much rather ride with a stranger than be judged.

Turns out John was right. I spent much more time shopping than I expected. There wasn’t much traffic and I enjoyed not having to wait in lines.  I treated myself to new clothes, shoes, earrings, and a new purse. Everything I wanted was in stock and I had many of the stores to myself. Apparently I picked a good day to splurge because I spent well over forty grand.

After shopping, I ordered some Chinese food and found a little corner to myself in the food court. I was so happy about the leopard print Louboutin booties I found, I had to put them on before I even touched my food. Something about leopard print made me feel sexy and I needed that feeling now.

I slipped my flats off and smiled as the softness of the booties welcomed my feet. They made me feel so good, I forgot about my bad day. I started to devour my food as if all the appetite I was missing all week suddenly appeared from nowhere. When I was done, I wasted no time getting in line at the ice cream shoppe. 

I sat down again, taking my time and enjoying my chocolate chip, double dip cone a little too much. I was in heaven, oblivious to my surroundings. A weird feeling crept over me and I felt like I was being watched. My eyes shot up for a quick scan and immediately locked on the culprit. Christopher fucking Brown.

I stared back for what seemed like forever, but he wasn’t letting up so I decided to show out. If he thought he couldn’t stop looking before, he wouldn’t know what to do when I made him wish he were the ice cream. 

“I knew my eyes weren’t deceiving me” a smooth baritone caught me off guard in the middle of my act. I sighed deeply before locking eyes with the one night stand I was supposed to never see again. 

“Today has got to be my lucky day” he grinned.

“Hey Stranger” I smirked, swallowing the big ass frog in my throat. I should’ve put my ice cream down, but I couldn’t. I just took bites instead of licks while he eyeballed my lips.

“Nah, call me Rocky” he pleaded, his eyes roaming with no shame. Fuck I thought to myself, realizing I left my favorite black leather jacket at the bar. My nipples were at full attention and an apparent distraction, so I crossed my arms. 

“I thought we agree-”

“You really want me to treat you like a stranger after the way I had your body feeling the last time you saw me?” he asked, inviting himself to sit in front of me. 

“We agreed to no names”

“Who are you shopping with, if you don’t mind me asking?” he quizzed, checking out my table full of bags.

“Damn you nosy” I frowned, shaking my head. “Who you here with?”

“Shit, I’m here with you. I just wanna know who about to be pissed when your plans change up.”

“How my plans change up?” I giggled, loving his persistence.

“I got somewhere I wanna take you”

“Boy you don’t even know me”

“I know what you taste like. You gonna let me taste you again?” he asked wetting his lips before biting the bottom one and slowly letting it out. Flashbacks of his lips on my body sent shivers down my spine. Before I could even respond, I could see Chris approaching at record speed with Nicki on his tail. 

CHRIS

“Thank you for getting me out the house today” Nicki smiled, taking a bite from her huge, soft pretzel. “This is exactly what I needed!”

“Me too” I mumbled between bites of my pretzel dog. I was glad I was feeling better than I had the day before, but I still felt crappy. Yesterday I laid around with a hang over from hell, but when Nicki called today I had to pull my shit together. 

“I’m so glad Sam will be home for good today. All I can ever think about is what if he misses our baby’s birth”

“Aren’t you due next month?”

“Yeah, but look how fat I am! There’s no way I can hold this baby for another month!” she stood up and turned sideways for me to see her silhouette. 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be back to yourself in no time. You’re having a healthy baby. That’s the important part.” I stressed and her face immediately dropped in shame.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“Sorry for what?”

“Complaining. I’m grateful for this entire experience. I just wish Sam could’ve found a closer job sooner, but it’s done now and I’m soooo grateful” she beamed as her phone vibrated on the table. “Speak of the devil.”

“Tell him I said what up” I laughed at her girlish demeanor while she spoke with her husband. Somehow they pulled through their long distance relationship, even with the hormone roller coaster. I was happy for them.

“So are you spending Thanksgiving in Texas with Tae now that Mama got her own thing going on?” Nicki quizzed after hanging up with Sam. I hadn’t told her it was over with me and Tae yet, I was hoping to avoid this conversation altogether.

“Nah. You know me, I like to make my rounds. Are you cooking? I’m tryna come get one of your plates!”

“Noooo Chris! Holidays show a girl how serious you are about her. You gotta at least try to go see her, it’s important!”

“Well, sh-”

“Robyn”

“No, it’s not about Rob-”

“No, I was saying, is that Robyn?” she nodded across the food court towards the ice cream shoppe. Sure enough, Robyn was standing in line with three bags on one arm and her wallet in hand as she waited to order.

“Damn, she looks good” I blurted under my breath. I didn’t know where we stood since the last time we spoke, so I definitely wasn’t going over there.

“That hair looks so good on her. When’s the last time ya’ll talked?” 

“Not long ago, and it wasn’t pleasant” I answered honestly, unable to take my eyes from her as she paid and grabbed her ice cream from the cashier. She quickly found an empty table, set her things down, and began to devour her ice cream in the most seductive way. On top of that, the dress she wore revealed every curve and way too much skin. 

When she sat down, her eyes met mine. She refused to break eye contact and began to lick her ice cream with a flat tongue, curving it around the top. She winked at me, then opened her mouth wide before sucking her ice cream from the top, clearly giving me a show.

“So ya’ll cool or not?” Nicki’s voice snatched me back to attention. My head snapped in her direction to see if she was seeing what I was but she was preoccupied with her phone. When I looked back at Robyn, there was someone else sitting in front of her, blocking my view. 

This guy must’ve been enjoying the same show I was, too bad he didn’t stand a chance. Rob’s the kind of girl that doesn’t even give a guy two seconds if he’s not worth it, which made me wonder why this guy was still sitting there. 

“I don’t know. Let’s go say wassup” I suggested as Nicki tossed the last of her food in her mouth, then followed me towards Robyn.

As we approached her, a huge smile spread across her face and she waved in our direction. I wasn’t sure what to expect but my nerves relaxed a bit. 

“Oh my God! Look at you!” Robyn shrieked, jumping up to hug Nicki.

“No bitch, look at you! I was just telling Chris how bomb this haircut is on you!” Nicki returned the love. I tried to get a word in, but Robyn turned her back to me and proceeded to talk to Nic like I wasn’t even there.

“I can’t believe you almost done cooking the munchkin already!” She squealed, rubbing Nicki’s belly. 

“Yes girl, exactly 28 more days!”

“Boy or girl?”

“We don’t know yet, we wanted a surprise”. They went back and forth for what seemed like forever, paying me no mind. I waited patiently until Robyn attempted to leave with the random guy without speaking to me. She tried to walk by me so I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me, catching her off guard.

“So you just gonna ignore me?” I asked, glaring into her shocked expression. It took a second of thought but to my surprise, she shook her head no, so I wasted no time leading the way to an empty table for a little privacy.

“How you been?” I began, instantly pissing her off.

“What you mean How I been?” she mimicked rolling her eyes. “What do you want Christopher?”

“I ran into Rayven last night..you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

"Wow, you pulled me to the side to ask about Rayven?” she asked, with slanted eyes. 

“No, that’s not wh-”

“Fuck you Christopher. I should beat your ass like I did her” she frowned, attempting to walk off. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back to me again, with a little more force this time.

“Have you been drinking?” I asked, trying to smell it on her breath but only smelling the ice cream. “Who’s this guy your with? Do you know him?”

“Mind the business you chose over me. I ain’t yo woman.” she spat, before returning to the lucky punk waiting for her. Those words hurt like daggers but I was more embarrassed than anything.  

“I guess it’s safe to say ya’ll not cool” Nicki spoke, breaking the silence on the ride home.

“I don’t know Nic, I think I really messed up this time”

“Ah hell, what you do now?” she shook her head in frustration as I caught her up on my cursed love life. 

“Can I be brutally honest with you?” she asked, raising her brow as she stared me in the face.

“That’s all I’m asking”

“You sound confused as fuck! At the end of the day, who do you love?

“I can’t even lie. I love them both”

“Who do you want to be with....like forever”

“I don’t know”

“Well that’s your problem. You gotta figure out what you want” she shook her head in disbelief.

“It’s not that easy. See with Tae I have this clean slate, well almost clean. Distance is the only problem. “

“Which is a pretty big problem” she pointed out. 

“But with Rob there’s so much chemistry, history, love... it would be hard to come back from what we been through”

“Well if you put it like that, do you want hard as shit or hard as fuck?” she teased, cracking herself up. 

“Thanks for the lovely advice”

“I can’t help you bro, you on your own!”

“I can see that!”

“Nah, but for real, every time I’ve seen you and Tae together you seem happy as hell. I mean head over heels, you stay cheesing like a damn girl, and treating her like a princess. But when you talk about Robyn you seem unsure and even kind of depressed. I’m sure it’s because of the accident, and everything else that happened but aren’t you ready to put all of that behind you?”

“Put Robyn behind me? “I sighed, giving it deep thought. It wasn’t like she was fucking with me anyhow. After seeing her today I was even more confused than before. 

“That situation is out of your hands at this point. I’m sorry, but it’s clear to me that Rob ain’t fucking with you bro. I can tell you’re not really taking Tae serious because you’re hoping Rob comes around. That’s bullshit and you definitely owe Tae an apology. Start there and just see where everything else goes.” she suggested, as she kicked her shoes off and kicked her feet up on the dash.

“That girl don’t want to talk to me”

“Of course not, you gotta go bigger than a phone call”

“Like what?”

“Like go see her. Go spend Thanksgiving with her! Have you ever been to her place? She’s been to your crib, your galleries, and met all your people. Ya’ll been together long enough, it’s time for you to meet the family. Matter of fact, you should pop up on her!”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” I grinned, realizing how right she was. It was obvious I hadn’t been putting in much effort and that’s probably why she keeps one foot in the door and the other out. She just needs a grand gesture to know how important she is to me.

With Nic’s help, I came up with the perfect plan to get us back on track. Thanksgiving was less than a week away, so I wasted no time booking my flight and a room near her salon. All I had to do was show up and speak my peace. How hard could that be?