#i am not used to working retail and it took its toll on my poor right foot

[booksnbolts]

I hope whatever entity judges humanity didn't see the ungodly amount of Aspercreme I just put on my foot.

[bountifulwitcharchive]

I thought I would talk about stuff in my life  a bit, especially considering I keep getting rattled by anxieties and taken a back by feeling as if I am hurting or harming someone.

As an adult I take it as my responsibility to make sure my actions are concise, I feel this is how any adult should ultimately be. Whether or not who I am as surefire as I am, hurts someone by accident. Whether it is that my opinion makes someone upset ; I want them to know I am not changing who I am yes. But that I do still care about them. If  I fail to do this, then i feel as a person I have failed. Whether this is because of trauma in the past, or stuff that people from online communities made me feel. It does not matter, ultimately this is where I am at in my life.

My in real life is hard.  I dont talk about it because I have, and the end result is always the same. This contorted feeling from others who dont know how to answer and feel uncomfortable themeslves. Knowing they cannot do anything, and my own discomfort that they cannot relate. Cannot understand. Cannot know what it means like -- I often hear ‘ Is it better today? ‘ Rather then, ‘ Are things stable today? ‘ I hate that people often feel my household is a place where things can be healed or feel better, that is not the case. My household works on whether things are stabled and held together vs Anyone having gotten BETTER. The job I am getting into now deals with this , and a reason why I applied for it was because I understand. I understand so much what this means and how people who do not have members of family who are disabled like this, dont understand. Every day is a struggle. It is a challenge, but it is so normal what I understand and come home to. However, simply because I am use to it and accept it does not make the stress of it any less then how heavy it is in my heart. Because ontop of my sister being disabled and us lucky that she is communicative. My mothers health is getting worse; in terms of worse she is getting old. And her poor choice of eating. Her inability to take care of herself and having to take care of another adult for themself--mind you for the rest of their lives. Takes a toll on her. And then my brother is getting worse, hes a smart boy where doctors are realizing he too is disabled. However, imagine being told you are disabled at 13 but consciously aware of what that means ( my sister ) and afraid of what you will become. Without going into details; if anyone in this household would kill themsleves it would be him. So ontop of hiding knives from my sister. We have to hide anything ( the surplus AND VARIETY of medicines my sister is on ) away from him. While also avoiding serious conversations of our home structure struggling as to not spike his anxieties. He will self harm like crazy. And its hard watching your little brother slam his head against the wall because he is overwhelmed by the world he was born into. I have many siblings, but my sister steph who is the only other person who lives with us does nothing for herself. I am sure she has issues her self but does not speak of it. And instead sits at home. Falling more and more into imo a depression that my mother just calls and berates her for being lazy for. I keep trying to push her to branch out but I can tell how this life effects her individually and that there is something there she doesnt wanna talk about. And I cannot reach in there to help. For my other side of the family,  Where my stepmother who i discovered the other day doesnt realize or remember or care to understand that the reason i fell into depression at 18 was because of what she did . And now I have to compress my memories and ask myself if my abuse was real -- or is this another one of those ‘ Manipulators conviently forgetting to forget the abuse they did in the past to cling onto the future they have now. ‘ By all means fine, she is a mother and needs to focus on that, but for me. Who endures. And endures. Staring at someone who did nothing but break me into who I am today, and hear that she forgot. Or doesnt understand. Or doesnt know. Like to her the past was nothing, did hurt. But forgive we do because what else will you do in points in time --- people online think your own feelings are so valid that you need ruin the world around you to make it worse. But no. Sometimes. You need to accept things for what they are, and think that me in a situation where I cannot change things. Or amend if the issue is brought to light -- to focus on what I can. For my sisters. So I can see them. And for myself. So maybe one day in the future, that conversation can come to light. But for now, we deal with what life gives us and we move on.

That is why that job was too much for me? Nothing had order .everything was a mess. Nothing was put together well and often people blammed the lowly coworkers for the faults in the system if it meant they did not have to get introuble. Then we look as if we do not know what we are doing and exhaustion has hold of it. The system in place reminded me too much of abusive circumstances. I did not have a voice. My back was always in pain. My feet was always aching -- none of this mattered to them and none of anyones complaints ever reached them. They valued their own problems over everyone elses around them, and I understand everyone is dealing with so much but seeing management value their own complaints over others was horrible. Considering  Iwent into this with such a promise. With so much of who I was feeling like the brightest light about to conquer something new--the last of my hope in life. Thinking I was gunna change my life .Change my world. Offer my family something better. Something knew. Only to find out the truth of that all; that the Manager coaxed the employees there who I was . Was to be horrible. To tell her what all the coworkers were doing. So she could write them all up and -- so with that purpose and picture in mind to them. They rallied together to put me on probation and everything that I was broken to tears, realizing that--trying hard to tell myself I mattered more then what people made me out to be. Because when I salvaged my self to befriend them all -- to at least face them and figure out why they did that to me. That this was my job life for a year and a half. Lmao? And did that I did, and learned so much about what went on I had... And overwhelmed by this picture of how they lived and treated each other. I wanted to leave. And left I did, but into a situation that was just far worse.  Never in all the years of retail I have worked have I ever endured such hell like I had with these customers. And some of it I dont blame them, the store really made them feel this way especially when nothing was right. Nothing as good. And nothing worked. Regardless the complaints I had of this I was stressed and nothing  I did and nothing I got from this job gave back to me. None of it but stress and being exhuasted and finding myself stripped of who I am. ANd I tried with my quiet feelings about myself, to say things. I would say “ No I am miserable. “ And say it so flatly and awkwardly to make a point, but everyone always made a joke about it despite how flat I would remain. And then compare, “Well at least you arent management.” Nothing I said got through to them, and I tried. I promise. I tried with attempts despite how hard it is for someone like me to open up.

So yes I left and the job I have now is not something that is easy, Nor do I expect that my stress to be any less. Rather that it pays more and I am with endurance to try something new that might offer me better future opportunities and worse comes to worse -- I find a new job.

Even as this all went on I made sure my life here was as easy for me to come to as it was. Imagine. Imagine.

Just imagine.

If I was truly enduring all of this . What about everyone else? I looked at everyone like this, I looked at what I went through day by day and thought -- What if they have it worse. If I have no heart and mind to talk about what really goes on in length in my irl day by day... What if someone else is just the same? It is not for me to ask. it is not for them to say.

I geniuely wanted to be at peace with everyone online, and if something went on that was so bad by their action. I truly believed; well you cant be as bad as my Step Mother or physically bad as my sister who I deal with day by day.  That is to say, I have no interest in detailing my past. 

Im pretty sure its obvious my past does paint my anxieties and issues with how I deal with things. Approach people day by day.

And its important for you to know that, to know that I am like you or anyone else. My desire to be positive and happy is to allow for you and everyone else to feel and be surrounded by positivity in life. 

Life is really hard. 

Hell, right now I am still going through more impersonal feelings while trying to dance my around all this going on. Because even as im nearing 27 -- almost 30 years old. I still realize things about myself, and it will hit me hard. The most recent and most eye opening realization that still rattles me and probably is the reason why. I feel flippant in my anxiety ; is realizing I gave 5 years to my life to someone who did not exist. This person went by the name Logan and roleplayed Snow from FF13.  I realized ; I spent 5 years of my life giving myself to this person. This person who did not exist and catfished everyone around me. Including me. Making people believe I was obsessed with him. Making people believe that he didnt treat me as if the private things shared between us were most intimate. That I spent 5 years waiting for him. Giving myself to him. Being patient for him. Enduring anything he said and taking my feelings so that I revitalized the things I did. Said. And would approach and appreciate him more understandingly. So he didnt hurt me, or ignore me--that he took so much from me. Money. Drawings. My writing. So much of my attention and love. He took 5 years away from me that I could have given someone I actually was so in love with and still am. That acted mildly the same -- but actually had stuff going on-- I am and was so in love with that person. And All I could give him was consciously a year until everything that I felt with Logan came crashing down in remembrance. That I didnt even realize why I was really overwhelmed by it all until some how talking to a close friend of mine about everything really. Really hit me hard.

5 years.

I think.

5 years was stolen of me. 5 years of love. 5 years of who i was. 5 years of dedication. Of loyalty. Of patience. Of endurance.

I could have been a different and confident person who really believed in love and not riddled with anxieties that made me remember everything I put effort into didnt matter -- because this one person would make sure of reminding me what my actions would fall under.

Life is really hard,     and day by day I still learn things about myself.

And I just think, if you are still reading this. That you too are going through this. And that someone you know is going through this. And that we are all going through so much of this or more. And I just hope you are alright and that you are hanging on there because I want you to know that I am trying to. Very hard. To live and I dont want you to give up either so please hang in there with me. 

That is why when the group of people who often harass my community when they do not like someone.

Yes the same group every time.

Had finally had me in their sights its was overwhelming, I had thought wow -- this is what you ultimately came to understand from me? When I had tried hard to reach out to you. To be your friend. To consciously find a place where we can be together as people comfortable -- but no thats not the point I want to make.

It rattled me that it took people who knew nothing about me, to change the course of my environment just like that. I lost the hand full of people from that community I talked too . A friend I had been friends with since I was 17 . Simply because they were scared of being caught in that fire too. It was less about who I was, and more about them losing the safe haven they had. The fun group and comfort they had-- they did not want to lose that.

And I understand that. Im not mad at that, just concerned. Sad. And reeling in the fact that people can ultimately take things from each other with misplaced context. And the unfortunate circumstance that people will opt for this, instead of talking to one another.

So I am tired yes.

Because that happened, that whole thing happened while I as dealing with so much. And I had no answer for it. And that me talking about this is to tell you how effected I am by my life right now. And that it indeed upsurged my anxieties more uncomfortably so and not that that is bad or good. It merely is what it is.

And that as I am now, I am sorry. I am sorry and grievanced because I went backwards and am not as timely with things as I use to. I have been struggling to sleep, and when I wake up feel a sort of touched exhaustion that makes me feel like not getting out of bed. 

I am sorry since I cannot roleplay things most often for others that I would love to explore. That my interests as of late have been : what would make me laugh to roleplay. What would make me feel wholesome to roleplay. What can i say to talk to others? What can I do to connect with others?

My mind and interests as of late is more about; making myself feel better and coping through what means I can through roleplay or just talking rather then. Having fun with my hobby like I had been the past few months.

This is why alike on Gawain, my compliant is coming online and constantly seeing him hash’d negatively. In truth I deal with negative things on a day to day basis... I did not want to have it follow me online. If I post about it, then clearly I have left myself open for those things.. But often I dont and am trying to mind my business and roleplay leisurely when things erupt.

I am really sorry, because ultimately, I failed as a friend and as a fellow roleplayer. My talking about it is to correlate the truth but also to let people know how I am as a person. Even still.

I feel sometimes people think you know, ‘ Oh hey Sheep just excuses things. ‘ Rather its just Im a different kind of person from a harsh road of life and I see things a lot differently.

For this I will explain with a more literal example, 

Things that many people feel uncomfortable online. I myself cannot-- it is that merely I cannot. If someone is talking about something regarding their character that they were abused sexually and want to explore the meaning of this through roleplay. I do not find this insulting, I find myself glad. If people can find out what it means to have been sexually assaulted, maybe they can also connect with me too? And understand why its hard for me to expose my body ( or how overly okay I am to do so ) or how feeling /sexy/ can be a hard feeling for me to overcome.  I often see people mistaking things or not handling it correctly, but I want it to be done rather then ignored. Or treated like it doesnt happen. For an adult, this is how I separate my reality from fiction. But find a connection from my reality into something fictious. Further, as an adult I want to help people understand that difference.  It is very bad to feel gratified and pleased by subjects that are distasteful. But seeing it treated as if it cannot be spoken of discomforts me. This is a public place, but it is also a place where you control the content on your blog. By the end of the day, I will pick the things that will make me feel uncomfortable or wont make me uncomfortable.

With such a short example, I dont know if anyone read this far. I had hoped. And hope. These feelings can help others or really understand where I am with my life right now and how stressed out I really am. I cannot talk individually with people because I actually choke up. I have ADHD and often forget if I dont take it slow. And can get overstimulated by the fact that someone is merely listening/paying attention to me. I am quiet about myself because I dont like wide attention. 

But that.

The past weeks I have had such support in my life.

And I am trying not to cry thinking about it, but I have such a healthy circle of friends and I would do anything to see it through that it lasts for years to come. Me speaking like this is because of this. Because of the comfort. Because of my desire to reach out and branch out comfortably. To remind ppl of my life, and to apologize for where I am not most prominent and may suck at show casing things for. 

I probably will make a more positive post in the future about how everyone has helped me through so much -- like I am just a cup that is spilling about and everyone is trying hard to keep whatever is coming out from falling on the floor--s uch a silly analogy but really.

I am so thankful as much as I am apologetic.

Thank you guys for giving me a home where I most need it. It is why I want to be open and communicative. I want the place I come home to, that I enjoy and need to cope through things going on. To remain okay, to be alright, and that positive energy can still be shared.

And that I want to with all my heart, continue giving that positive energy to anyone around me the best that I can. With you understanding me as a person.

Thank you, if you have read this far. For taking the time to get to know me.

[jojotier]

Wifey Kak vs Fuckboi dub Kak gone overboard, go

(welp. One year, and writing over 100k words in total, and this is how I’m ending off 2017- not with the finale of the first part of my super intensive plot fic where I made 56 original stand user characters just to create an intermediate Kakyoin Lives au part between SDC and DiU to try and explain why hamon is never used again and try to tie parts 2 and 3 more cohesively together. Not with more myth au where muse Rohan finds the grisly truth of Reimi’s murder and begins his trek down to the underwater underworld to demand her soul back from death god Jotaro. Not even with the bits I’ve been working on with dead inside retail worker Kakyoin having to deal with the only supernatural 7-11 in Japan and haughty water witch Jotaro trying to scare him.

But with some fanon mischaracterizations of Kakyoin. With these awful, awful characterizations. I hope to God you know just what you’ve wrought, with this drabble- and to anyone who’s just finding out about my fanon clone au, I am so, so sorry. Happy New Year!!!)

“Hey- what’re you doing in here?”

Nori started, nearly fumbling with the cute rose decorated porcelain knife in his hands but thankfully not managing to nick anything. Which was lucky! Usually he was way more clumsy than this, constantly getting little bumps and cuts from even mundane activities… Though it didn’t really bother him much! He always had Jotaro right there to take care of him and kiss any injury better, like the attentive, romantic gentleman he was. Sometimes, Nori wondered how he was able to find a real life Prince Charming.

Gently setting the knife down, he brushed his starchy hands off on the pastel pink apron- cute, frilly, and printed with a cherry pattern of course!- and Nori looked up to find- another version of himself, standing right there! He was much taller than Nori’s own five foot tall frame, and he had a pair of shades resting on his face, with their signature curly bang (colored neon orange, for some reason) pinned up underneath a backwards ballcap… In short, he looked to be the exact opposite of everything Nori was!

This should have come as shock to Nori, but honestly, after the first three or so other clones of himself, it got to be a little tiring, acting all surprised… No matter how many of them claimed that Nori was a clone and that they were the real Kakyoin!

“Hey, didn’tcha hear me?” The other Kakyoin leaned down, waving a hand in front of Nori’s face rather rudely. At least ten neon glow bracelets shook on his wrist. “What’re you doing in here? You don’t look like the type to be holed up in a kitchen in a dumb apron- and you’re me, so I know you’re definitely not the type.”

Nori frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “I’m cooking- my hungry guys out there are practically starving!” He worried his bottom lip in his teeth, thinking to himself how awfully sad it was that all of this was happening, with this investigation and those other versions of them melting in that awful, awful display of blood and viscera, with their faces peeling- God, he shuddered just thinking about such a grisly thing. Those poor clones weren’t around anymore, suffice to say… “You’d think that someone around here would have remembered that we all need food.”

“You know we could’ve just ordered out, right blondie?” The other version of Nori loomed over him, leaning down even more until his face was inches away. That was when Nori smelled the alcohol and… was that the smell of MARIJUANA? Where was this other version of himself getting DRUGS, of all things?! Maybe in the same place he got those awful khaki boyshorts that he was wearing under his gakuran for some reason. “Then again, you sound just as empty headed as you look.”

“Hey- that’s mean!” Nori told him, frowning even harder despite the fact that it probably wasn’t effective with the ten inch height difference. And the fact that he himself didn’t have a dorito chin that looked like it could gouge someone’s eye out. “I’m not the one reeking!”

“Hey hey hey,” His clone slurred, trying to flip his bright orange hair and failing, since it was under the hat still, “blame weedeater and his dolphin fucker Jotaro over there, they’re the ones who’re handing out the good shit.”

He jerked his thumb back towards them and Nori leaned to the side for a moment, looking at the green haired clone of himself, red eyed and trying to tell his version of Jotaro how hot his mother was, a strange amount of airhorn sound effects overlayed from some invisible plane of existence that made it almost impossible to make out what the Jotaro clone (holding a dolphin plush with mysterious stains) was saying. Nori and the fuckboy version of himself stared for a moment before they both gave a simultaneous shudder, looking back towards each other again.

Yeah, no one would ever be worse than those guys.

“Besides, it doesn’t negate the whole look you have going on in here- I mean, the blonde hair, the cute apron, the way you’re just standing there like that…” The fuckboy version of Nori leaned a bit more towards him, until their noses were brushing together… “Makes you seem like some brainless ditz to me.”

“Am not!” Nori frowned as hard as he possibly could, bordering on the point of pouting with his cute lips, trying to give a look of stern disappointment even though his darling Jotaro had told him many times that when he tried to do that he looked more like a wet kitten than anything. “What do you even want here-?”

“I never said I didn’t like it. It’s cute.” He pulled back a bit as Nori stumbled back, face going beet red. How dare he! Nori was a taken man- and this was his own clone! The audacity! Then he kept going, saying something so salacious that it nearly gave Nori a heart attack right then and there. “Is it true what they say? Blondes have more fun, right? Well, why don’t you show me…?” Nori’s eyes widened as his clone advanced, leaning until Nori was pressed against him. “I’m always up for a good time…” He leaned down to whisper in Nori’s ear. “… Baby.”

“KYAH!” Nori shrieked, pushing his clone back. His clone stumbled a bit, before catching himself and pretending like it never happened. “Why would you-?! I just- the nerve!!! The NERVE of you coming in here, when I’ve got so many hungry guys out there- there to feed, and you come up out of NOWHERE and just–!”

“C’mon, babes,” His clone whined, pouting at him. “You can forget your hungry guys for a second, can’t you? What do you wanna do?”

“I-! I just… I.” Nori paused, taken aback. He blinked. “I don’t think… I’ve ever been asked that before…”

“What- if you wanna do something?” His clone asked, eyebrows shooting up. “Dude, what are you, someone’s bitch?”

“Hey-! It’s not like that at all…” Nori said, tears suddenly welling up in his eyes. “I’m the wife in mine and Jotaro’s relationship-”

“YOU’RE A HUSBAND!” The redheaded Kakyoin clone (who seemed oddly exasperated when Nori saw him) yelled distantly from the other room.

“Uh. Husband, I guess.” Nori amended, not really wanting to be a bother. “Well… He does so much for me, and he’s so sweet, and loves me lots, and he decides a lot of things for me so I don’t have to think too hard and-”

“What, Kujo? Sweet?” The frat Kakyoin sneered, staring Nori down. Nori shrank a little more in on himself. “That guy’s like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet! Can’t take a hint. I swear, the dude’s still stuck in his emo phase- shitty eyeliner and bullshit MCR fetish and all. All he’s good for is a good angry fuck every once in a while…” Which didn’t sound like Nori’s Jotaro at all, though he supposed that he would be, if this was how his own clone was. “Even then- you gotta make your own decisions man.”

“I- but my hungry guys…” Nori weakly offered, feeling like he was in vertigo.

“Well how’s about you choose this hungry guy over here?” The clone in front of him said. Their faces were both gravitating towards each other.

“What… what are you in the mood for?” Nori breathed. His heart was hammering in his chest.

“You.” And like that, the kitchen and the rest of the world faded as their lips crashed together.

While the two Kakyoin clones were liplocked, the real Noriaki slowly raised the metal pipe in his hands, tempted, oh so tempted, to step over the threshold and into the kitchen. Behind him, the real Jotaro took notice, and immediately rushed over to slowly lower the pipe. “No.”

“But-”

“No. No. Apparently the old man needs all of their activities recorded.”

“They’re going to melt anyway! It really is more humane to-”

“Kakyoin holy shit.”

“Right, right- we still have to find the user.” Noriaki dragged one long suffering hand down his face, slowly lowering the pipe. “Sorry, this entire thing is just… taking far too much of a toll on me. Where did these two even come from? Did they even come with their own Jotaros? Christ, what’s with them all multiplying…”

Jotaro pried the pipe away from Noriaki’s hold, holding it away from him just in case. “Who knows. The only thing we can do is keep going. Minori and Jojiro are saying that they found the CLAMP clones, at least- we can start there and see where the hell they went before.”

“Yeah… yeah, just what we need. To deal with them.” Noriaki winced, and Jotaro patted his shoulder somewhat sympathetically. They both turned away, leaving the kitchen alone.

In the corner, a milfhunter watched, shades gleaming and fedora tipped. In front of him, the makeout session between both Kakyoin clones continued, but he planned to-

Fuck this is stupid. I can’t do this anymore. In a nondescript room in the liminal space in the direct center of America, I pack up my bags. Not even a bee movie fic written long ago could match up to the shame I have inflicted upon myself, seeping into every single pore with the ferocity of deadly nightshade, etching its poison kiss into my skin. I take a small, framed portrait of Hirohiko Araki from my pocket. A dusty tear rolls down my cheek.

Oh well. This isn’t canon to the AU anyway, so I guess I can do whatever the hell I want.

[topicprinter]

TL;DR. I have a startup. Its currently producing revenue, however its deeply precarious. I am losing my mental health and don’t know what to do.Some background - I am being really cautious about the basic details because even this last week we had a handful of press articles come out about what we are doing. This is a throwaway account and I have changed a few details. Let me know if this is still too revealing.Three years ago I was working in sales for a tech company and I crushed my quota. I had enough of the 9-5 lifestyle. Bill Gates is also my entrepreneur hero mostly for his post career actions and I wanted that. Basically I saw the entrepreneur dream that a lot of people want.I started a niche location concept from the commissions. While it didn’t met any of the sales projections it quickly went to 12,000 a month. We got a bunch of news and tech press coverage. Reviews were great, but our location was poor. I made my first few critical mistakes. I had spectacular credit and I was a high earner (into the six figures) put about half the costs on credit cards (about 60k). I decided to quit my job after about 6 months in and took out more debt in the form of a business loan from a micro enterprise group (another 70k). They loved our application and funded us out of a big group, but did require that I personally guarantee it as well as find a cosigner because I had no regular income. My mom, bless her heart went ahead and cosigned. We opened up another location. That one was doing twice the sales per square foot. Within 6 months after opening a competitor saw what we were doing and they copied our concept down to the branding and prices. Retail landlords are also desperate right now (I have heard some in the industry describe them as sharks) and while we were temporary, our lease was supposed to go much further than that. The other group was willing to pay 4 times as much in rent and put it in their contract that we be kicked out of the mall as a condition of their opening their. Really scummy of everyone involved, but lesson learned. In a twist of karma fate, that other company just closed their doors early a few months ago probably due to the ludicrous rent they were paying.After that happened I put together a small team with a few engineers and we got into a prestigious accelerator which saved the company. I converted the business from an LLC to a Delware C corp, but I still owned like 80% of the stock since I was the only one to put funds in and have done most of the work. About two weeks after we got funding we got another shock: our first location was also forced to move by a much larger retail tenant. Luckily we were able to stay in the same complex this time, but had to move exact locations which burned through a lot of what we got from the accelerator. Lesson learned, we signed a longer lease to prevent it from happening again because this was twice already. However by this time I was thoroughly sick of retail and wanted to focus more on the global aspect and so we started a pivot to a global business.Additionally, a lot of the time I would have liked to spend talking to VC’s or angels instead I was doing painting or other things just to save money. We ran out of funds, but I was super determined to keep it going, so I laid of my staff and essentially moved into the location and kept it going through sheer will. I was one step above homeless, but I told myself it was the entrepreneur grind. I kept my living situation from most of the team. In the midst of the pivot I talked to our accelerator and while sympathetic, they told me to “just get out there and fucking sell”. I wish they would have helped with funds, but I understand accelerators don’t really act like that. The pivot we started took a bit longer than expected but out of desperation and need we crushed it and ended up getting a bunch of marketing contracts and our revenue tripled along with making global press.I emailed out our update to all of the VC groups and angels everyone we had been talking to, but by this time we got barely a peep back. According to the data, VC dollars in this niche space plunged by 90%. Much larger companies than mine are flaming out left and right. Its like an apocalypse. There are exceptions people point to, but in reality its pretty bleak. The industry could come back and I think it will, but market conditions are not good right now.Meanwhile doing this for three years my personal life has been a mess. I don’t see my family - for example I didn’t see my own brother who lives out of state for a couple of years. In the midst of the pivot my girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer. Initially the doctors thought it was really bad, but after chemo it went into partial remission. I have been working 70-80 a week for almost the past three years, and I gained a lot of weight due to the stress. I still haven’t missed a credit payment, but my car is on the verge of breaking down and I have totally skipped things like health insurance. I had to go without a medication I need for a chronic physical condition I had, and after 4 months without it I developed worse symptoms. Meanwhile the long grind really took a toll on the team. A crucial cofounder quit who we got along really well with (ironically to the same industry and he is now struggling more than when he was on the team). The two engineers, obviously seeing the signs of the industry and having much better opportunities both resigned. The IP is not salvagble without a lot more work on it.Between all of that and the industry I took a look at what I was doing and my state and decided to go back to work. I was able to get a job in sales again and my base is higher but I had worked so hard to get where I was at in terms of commissions, so I am making about half of what I was. Its enough to get me out of my business and I finally got a place of my own again and medication for my physical condition. However my business is now crazy. I had an assistant but that is no more. I am missing things like tax deadlines and we have a legal bill that is 2000 - hardly a deal, but when there is about 10k in the business bank account its hard to pay anything. I feel so much guilt. I am in the middle of training for new job and answering emails to who is left on my team and trying desperately to keep our marketing contracts afloat. During lunches and my commute I am taking meetings and trying to keep things normal and like everything is okay. Ironically due to our success we keep on getting more inbound interest and just landed the largest marketing contract we have so far and more profitable.My mental health is really taking a toll. About 8 years ago I went through a suicidal phase and through good therapy and learning good routines (exercise, etc) I was able to pull out of it. However, now all of those dark thoughts are returning again. I am having lots of insomnia, and due to my debt (I also owe a much smaller amount to family as well) I am terrified of what happens if my startup fails. At my age, I am beyond things like parental support, but my parents divorced long ago and my dad was homeless this last year. My mom is in a bad situation too financially and I don't want to make it worse. Every day is a constant struggle to even get out bed, and my anxiety is through the roof. I personally don’t have any money. I would like to go to therapy, but there is nothing left over in my budget till I make sales at my new job. I am having tremendous guilt over the marketing contracts we have - I know we could be doing a much better job, but there is physically no time left for me in the day. I work, then come home and work in the evenings. My work performance is also not great, and I am continually exhausted and worn out at my new job. I am not married and have no one else to rely on.I have run the numbers - the retail part seems steady and kindof takes care of itself with some occasionally stressful involvement on my end. Its paying all the debt. Now that my other co founder left, all of the business development falls to me. If even the retail space stays open (we have had some bad months in the past so I am nervous with such low cash reserves) it will cover all of my debt. With my income I can pay off most of the debt if I survive this year and things look much rosier with no debt and things will pay me as a lifestyle business. The marketing contract we just landed was with a major company in the space. But it's a whole year of this and my mental health is among the worst its ever been - I am having breakdowns a few times a week. More than anything I just want a vacation. I do have some good days and moments here and there.I would like just some general advice and help. Venting too I guess. A couple of other questions - has anyone survived a similar business situation? I know on the flipside that my business is already close to the edge. Shutting it down sometimes seems appealing, but then that debt would still fall on me. I am not familiar with the bankruptcy process, but from a few google searches it seems viable. I just can’t find anything on how it would impact our business (a Delaware C corp and I am own by far the largest stake). The debt too also falls all to me and to the old LLC or my personal credit cards. Knowing what I know now, I would never take this much risk again or do a startup this way. I wish I had started with stronger co founders for instance and with less debt). I beat myself up for all of my mistakes everyday and I know I have fucked things up and my life, but I have poured my heart and soul into the startup.

[therealestatesparkblog]

How Adopting 7 Kids at Once Led Me to Launch My Real Estate Investing Career

The truth is that I did not get involved in real estate in a meaningful way until later in my life. I have been a chiropractic physician for 29 years, but Im really an entrepreneur at heart. I have started or purchased six multi-discipline medical clinics in my career and have been involved in a number of other businesses. None, however, have matched the combination of relative safety and potential returns afforded by real estate. Still, for some reason, I could never pull the trigger and launch my real estate investing career. Unfortunately I sat on the sidelines for a number of years. I hoped to get started but never did. Like many of you, I read Robert Kiyosakis Rich Dad Poor Dadand a few other real estate books, but it wasnt enough. Looking back now, I can point to several life events that lit a fire under me and finally got me off the bench and into the game. Over the past few years, I have flipped a couple houses, owned a small apartment complex, developed a large commercial retail strip center, syndicated a 125-door multifamily townhome complex, and am just finishing the co-syndication of a large self-storage deal. I am in my 50s and wish I had started earlier. No matter your age, though, if you are procrastinating like I did, hopefully you can use one or more of the following five steps to get started. 5 Steps to Launch Your Real Estate Career1. Find your passion. Twenty years ago, my wife and I became interested in adoption. We had two biological kids at the time and wanted to adopt a third child. While working with an organization that facilitated the adoption of Eastern European orphans, we heard about a sibling group of seven Russian children that the Russian government was going to split up and send to three different countries. My wife decided she would make it her personal mission to find a family that could keep these siblings from being separated. The idea of someone taking that many kids into their home blew us away, and we made a list of all of our friends and acquaintances that we thought might be able to afford such a monumental task. The Russian government announced they would be separating the children in a few months. As the date approached with no takers in sight, we began to ask ourselves if there was any way we could adopt them ourselves. Its a very long story, but fast forward to August of 1988. We were told at the U.S. Embassy that we had completed the single largest adoption in U.S./Russian history (at a single time). It was a big culture shock to bring seven Russian speaking kids into our home for sure. But the real shock was just around the corner when the financial reality of our decision began to hit home. Nine sets of clothing, nine bikes, nine soccer teams, nine college educations, nine weddingsyou get the picture. The financial pressure began to build. I rapidly set out on a course to produce more income. I started or purchased six different medical clinics. I developed anathletic club, which eventually grew to 1,500 members. I purchased a sports performance enhancement franchise. And we even started a coffee shop/deli. Some produced more cash flow than others, but the one problem all those businesses had in common was that they took immense amounts of my personal time. I was fairly successful at creating additional income, but I was killing myself. My family life was suffering. I quickly realized working 70-80 hours a week would not work. There are few things that I am more passionate about than my family, so I threw myself into a massive search for ways to create passive income. It was this search that eventually led me to real estate. You can do the same thing. Figure out what you are passionate about. Focus on the end results. Getfired up and use that passion to fuel your real estate dreams.

Related: If I Started My Real Estate Business Again Today, THIS is What Id Change 2. Harness fear. As humans, nothing makes us react quite like fear. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. There are literally hundreds of types of fears and phobiasfear of pain, of disease, of injury, of tight spaces, of rejection, and of failure, to name a few. People will do just about anything to avoid their fears. If they are forced to face fear, they go into fight or flight mode or they are paralyzed by fear and do nothing at all. Fortunately, a random encounter with a couple of patients changed my investing mindset forever. It was March 6, 2009, and the stock market was in the final throes of its great crash. I walked into a treatment room, and there sat a patient with tears streaming down his face. It was odd because this was a big burly guy who had just retired from a local factory and was a pretty tough character. I soon found out he was not crying because of his back or neck pain but because he had just lost almost all of his retirement savings in the stock market. Apparently, this gentleman had taken his retirement payments as a lump sum and had recently dumped it all in the market. As he sat on my exam table, he explained how in a few short days, he had lost more than 70 percent of his retirement savings, and those savings had taken him 40 years to amass! I am not usually at a loss for words, but nothing in my medical training could have prepared me for that moment. A couple of days later, I was seeing another patient. Mrs. Smith (not her real name) was a 50-something retired school teacher and seemed to be in a better mood than normal. I noticed her cheerfulness and asked her why she seemed so happy. She went on to explain how she and her husband had taken all of their retirement funds out of the stock market about a year previously and had used the funds to buy rental property. Their rentals were leased, and frankly, they were really enjoying retirement. Fortunate to have gotten out of the market when they did, this new landlord was not affected by the downturn in the markets at all. I had really never trusted the stock market. I mean, with the almost-daily headlines of one major bank after another caught cheating their clients or gaming the system somehow, this ladys message really hit home with me. Even so, I had always been too afraid of missing out on that once-in-a-lifetime Amazon or Microsoft stock pick to shift my investing away from the stock market. Right then and there, it finally hit home. When it came to real estate, I was afraid to make a mistake that would cost me money. Since I was not sure when or where to start, I just sat doing nothing for years. I had analysis paralysis, but I realized I was much more scared of ending up like my first patient, crying in a doctors office somewhere having lost the majority of my retirement. I finally made a commitment that real estate would be my investment vehicle of choice. 3. Find your motivation. A few years back, an MRI revealed I had a torn rotator cuff, torn labrum, and arthritis in my shoulder. Decades of occupational abuse and years of chasing baseball scholarships had taken their toll. My orthopedic physician announced I could either give up my chiropractic career immediately, or in about four years, I would need a shoulder replacement. Suddenly, I was heading toward for an untimely retirement. I was shocked. I had dedicated the last 29 years of my life to helping people heal. My entire identity was tied up in being a healthcare provider. At the same time, Obamacare was rapidly eroding away my practice of two-plus decades. I had no idea what I would do, but knew I needed a plan and needed one quick. After much angst and a considerable amount of prayer, I decided it was time to jump in with both feet. I still have a medical practice, but am working full-time on a plan to exit healthcare as soon as possible. Even though I didnt recognize it at the time, life circumstances helped me find my motivation. Each individual has their own unique mix of life experiences and desires that fuel their drive for success. For some, its the thought of a penniless retirement. For others, it is the commitment to never let their children grow up in poverty (like they did). Some people say that success is a lake home or traveling the world. Others have an altruistic motivation to give back to those less fortunate. There are 1,001 books on ramping up personal motivation. For me, however, it boils down to a very simple concept: Focusing on my goals 10 times more than I focus on the roadblocks. Every time I run up against what seems like an insurmountable roadblock, I pull out my list of goals and focus on what I want to accomplish. Time spent focusing on what matters most turbocharges my motivation levels. The roadblocks seem to work themselves out. Whats your motivation? Related: How to Jumpstart Your Investing Career as a Multifamily Deal Finder 4. Hire a mentor. Every athlete from t-ball to the big leagues has a coach. They need someone they can learn from who is more experienced. Someone who knows the ins and outs of the game. Its no different in real estate. If you are serious about learning the craft, you need to find someone to teach you the ropes. When I finally got serious, I hired a mentor. I knew if I spent my hard-earned money on a program, I would take it seriously. There are lots of mentors and training programs on BiggerPockets. For me, I knew the more expensive the program, the more commitment I was likely to have. I am not talking about a weekend seminar with a few handouts. I chose a company called 37th Parallel Properties. Their program is a comprehensive year-long mentorship. It includes visits to real assets across the country (much like getting an MBA in multifamily investing). Dont get me wrongnot everyone needs to pay for a mentor, but dont attempt to go it alone. Learn from someone elses mistakes. Its one of the many reasons I am such a big fan of BiggerPockets. You can learn so much just by hanging out in the community and reading the advice of experienced investors. Whether you hope to invest in single family homes, self-storage units, large multifamily communities, or mobile home parks, there is always someone with expertise willing to share.

5.Leverage the experience of others. Maybe you dont need to change careers like me. Maybe you just want to use commercial real estate to turbocharge your portfolio. Maybe you just want to be a passive investor and have very little interest in toilets, tenants, and trash. If you are an accredited or sophisticated investor, syndicated deals may be the best approach for you. Some companies offer syndicated real estate investments. They specialize in sourcing lucrative real estate assets and packaging them up for passive investors. They typically underwrite the project, perform all due diligence, line up debt, and complete the purchase. The companies then operate and oversee these assets so that their investors can realize great profits minus the headaches. Choosing a company that you feel comfortable with is the key to any syndicated investment. While it is a much quicker way to jump into the fray, be careful! Take your time and choose the specific deal and syndicator carefully. Ask lots of questions and always check references. So, what is holding you back? Whats it going to take to get you off the sidelines? Dont procrastinate like I did! Hey, if an old chiropractor can do it

What motivation led to your first investment? What did your journey there look like? Take a moment to share what it took to make your first real estate investment! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/seven-child-adoption-launch-real-estate-career

[thechasefiles]

The Chase Files Daily Newscap 3/6/2018

Good Morning #realdreamchasers! Here is The Chase Files Daily News Cap for Tuesday, 6th March 2018. Remember that you can read full articles via purchasing a Daily Nation Newspaper (DN) or via Barbados Today (BT).

PM TELLS WHY NO RESHUFFLE – Prime Minister Freundel Stuart says that rather than trying to “humiliate” his ministers or to show “how much man I was”, he has always sought to build them up. And that, he added, was why he had not reshuffled his Cabinet since 2013. He was responding to a question at a town hall meeting at a Brooklyn church in New York recently. “After the last general election, I appointed a Cabinet; nobody appointed it for me. I appointed it,” he said. “I said I want “A” to do this and “B” to do that. “I have followed politics across the Commonwealth all my thinking life and I know that there is a perverse bit of thinking that says ‘you show how strong you are, you show that you are a man by showing that you can tell a minister: Minister X, I am moving you tomorrow, I am sending you there’. Because he wants the job so badly, he would say ‘yes sir’. The people I put in positions that I chose them for in 2013, there was no brain wave. I knew the personalities and I knew what I wanted out of them,” Stuart explained. “When I saw that they were falling below my standards, I pulled them aside and said, ‘Look, don’t you think you should look at this? I don’t think you are delivering in this area as effectively as you should or could. Don’t you think you should adopt this approach and so on and so on? In other words, rather than trying to humiliate men or to show how much man I was, I try to build them. I try to strengthen. “So, Errol Barrow had his own style, Tom Adams his, Erskine Sandiford his, (Owen) Arthur his. And my (immediate) predecessor David Thompson (his own).” Stuart stressed he did not have to prove to anybody he was Prime Minister of Barbados. “I am. I don’t care how hard historians try, you can’t write about the first prime minister of Barbados, the second, the third, the fourth, fifth and the sixth and you go to the eighth. You got to come to the seventh. “And you have to say that Fruendel Stuart managed Barbados through its most challenging crisis since Independence, the period between 2008 and 2018, and it has to speak of his achievements, including keeping Barbados safe and raising the country to new and unimagined horizons,” he told the gathering.  (DN)

PRICE WORRY - Gasoline and diesel here are higher than anywhere else in the Caribbean, and is among the top 50 countries in the world with the highest charges for petrol, leaving one local consumer advocate to wonder whether Government was not “profiteering”. Although there was a drop in the price of diesel from $2.63 per litre at the end of February to $2.60 per litre as at midnight last night, this was still higher than other Caribbean countries for which data was available for on the website Globalpetrolprices.com, which updates gas prices for more than 100 countries on a weekly and monthly basis. The average price of diesel around the world was $2.08 per litre at the end of last month, while it retailed at $2.33 in Grenada; $2.26 in Jamaica and the Bahamas; $2.08 in Cuba; $2.07 in St Lucia; $1.98 in Guyana and $1.51 in Dominica. The local price point of $2.63 at the end of February made Barbados the 44th most costly out of 166 countries on the list, tied with Belize and Zambia. Iceland had the highest price at $4.05, while Venezuela was listed at zero, Iran at 18 cents and Saudi Arabia at 25 cents. Trinidad and Tobago was ninth cheapest at 71 cents. On the other hand, the price of gasoline, which was being retailed at $3.29 per litre here at the end of February, before climbing 15 cents to $3.44 as at midnight last night, well above the world average of $2.30 at the end of last month, makes Barbados the 23rd most costly of 167 countries. Gasoline was retailing in Cuba at $2.49 per litre at the end of last month; $2.43 in Grenada; $2.37 in the Bahamas; $2.35 in Jamaica, $2.07 in St Lucia; $1.97 in Guyana; $1.88 in Haiti; and at $1.75 in Dominica. Trinidad and Tobago was again the cheapest in the region at $1.18 per litre, making it the 18th cheapest in the world, while in Venezuela the cost was two cents per litre, Sudan was 68 cents and Kuwait was 70 cents per litre.The differences in retail gas prices are due to the various taxes and subsidies imposed by each country, according to the website. “As a general rule, richer countries have higher prices while poorer countries and the countries that produce and export oil have significantly lower prices. One notable exception is the US, which is an economically advanced country but has low gas prices,” it said. It was in his May 30, 2017 Budget address that Minister of Finance Chris Sinckler announced a 25 cent per litre increase on the excise tax on gasoline, from 74 cents to 99 cents, and 24 cents on diesel, from 20 cents to 44 cents, in an effort to raise $50 million in revenue. International crude oil prices averaged about US$63 per barrel last month. Consumer rights advocate Malcolm Gibbs-Taitt described petrol prices here as “ridiculous”, saying it was not fair that Barbadians were paying more at the pump than most countries, including the US, despite a vast difference in wages. “The American working and doing a similar job to his Barbadian counterpart is paid about four times more than we are but we are ending up paying about the same for our fuel products,” Gibbs-Taitt,  the director general of the Barbados Consumers Research Organization, said, adding that the same could be said for other commodities. “I have said for ages that our price is ridiculous and I can’t follow the rationale for our increases. If one just takes a simple glance at it you notice that gas prices will go up by 15 cents quite easily but when the time comes for a reduction it is reduced by two cents, and I have a problem with that. The truth is, one wonders if the price reflects what is happening on the world market because I am not so convinced it is. It looks as though it is a way of profiteering for the oil companies, whether it be Government or otherwise,” he said.  (BT)

ELECTION UNCERTAINTY AFFECTING INVESTMENT, BANKER WARNS – Uncertainty surrounding the general election date is taking a toll on the country’s investment climate, according to one senior banker. Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer of Republic Bank (Barbados) Ltd Anthony Clerk said potential investors had pulled back and were in a “wait-and-see” mode as Barbadians await a poll date. “Around this time – pre and post elections – you would find there is a lull. There is a sort of wait-and-see attitude. So we are seeing some of that,” Clerk told Barbados TODAY in a wide-ranging interview. In addition to the indecision linked to the election, the banker also singled out the economy for a reluctance by investors to put their money into projects here. “Those circumstances would lead to a reduction in what would normally be a higher level of investment,” he said. Clerk said there was “still relatively good demand” for mortgages, although, he said, even this had diminished. He also said there were several opportunities for investment, most of which concentrated on tourism sector, with some in the renewable energy sector, albeit on a small scale. The banking executive recommended that the country be positioned as a high-end destination, with a strong focus on medical and health care tourism. Pointing out that financial institutions here were “ready and willing” to back a number of investments, Clerk said he also saw tremendous potential for investments in retirement homes and assisted living “for both residents [since] Barbados is an aging population . . . but also tied into tourism and foreign visitors”. The banker of more than three decades, who took up his current position in October last year, said he was most concerned about the island’s poor ranking in the World Bank Doing Business 2018 Report, in which Barbados is ranked 132nd, down from the 119th in the 2016 report. The country was not ranked in the 2017 report. (BT)

MOTTLEY WANTS ANSWERS ON FOUR SEASONS SALE – The controversial Four Seasons hotel and private residences project at Clearwater Bay, St Michael has become a major campaign issue in the run up to this year’s general election, with the Barbados Labour Party (BLP) hinting at Government corruption in the sale of the property. Speaking last night at a public meeting at Montgomery playing field in Cave Hill, St Michael, BLP leader Mia Mottley called on Minister of Finance Chris Sinckler to come clean on the sale of the stalled property, which a weekend media report indicated had been sold for US$60 million. Mottley demanded to know when and to whom the money was paid, “if it was ever paid at all, then to whom was it paid?” Sinckler had announced in Parliament in August 2016 that he had signed an agreement for the sale of the beachfront property and he expected part of the payment within two weeks. Soon after, in early September, the minister had promised reporters that he would present a comprehensive ministerial statement in the House of Assembly on October 25, 2016.   However, little has been said about the sale since, with the exception of Minister of Tourism Richard Sealy, who had indicated in February last year that a group that was interested in the property was at “a very advanced stage” of negotiations with Government for concessions, although he could not say when Government was expected to divest its interest in the 32-acre property. In September last year Sealy had also reported that “a very naughty issue” had hindered progress, but it was likely to be untangled by the end of last year. In the absence of any additional information from the Freundel Stuart administration, Mottley last night stopped just short of stating that something untoward had taken place. The Four Seasons project began experiencing difficulties in late 2008 as more than half of the villas, priced at $11 million to $18 million apiece, remained unsold and buyers who had made deposits of between ten per cent and 40 per cent stopped making additional payments. Among the prominent buyers which the villas attracted were composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, Formula One team owner Eddie Jordan and Simon Cowell, whose villa spanned two plots and cost $32 million. After two previous attempts by the developers to secure new financing had failed, the then David Thompson-led Government announced in January 2010 it would guarantee a $60 million loan from ANSA Merchant Bank to help restart construction. Some of the money was to go toward paying off a previous $31.5 million loan from the Bank of Scotland used to buy the resort’s 32-acre site. “I am pleased to support an initiative where Barbadians pull together to put an iconic project back on track–one that will help shape the future of tourism in Barbados,” Thompson, who died later that year, had said at the time. The project became even more uncertain in 2015 when the Inter-American Development Bank (IDB) withdrew its support, cancelling $160 million in loans it had committed to the venture more than two years earlier. The IDB, which had agreed to fund construction of the hotel component, made the decision due to concerns about the lack of progress. Mottley, who sometimes became hoarse, spent a large part of her 45-minute speech introducing herself as the kind of leader she would be if the BLP were to win the election. She painted a picture of someone who has been groomed by various party stalwarts over the years, suggesting she would be a lot more competent and transparent that the Stuart administration. Quoting everyone from Jamaicans Bob Marley and Buju Banton to scripture, she also sought to show she would be a caring leader. (BT)

NUPW GIVES UP HOPE OF PRE-ELECTION PAY RISE – The island’s largest public sector trade union has virtually given up hope of striking a wages deal with the Freundel Stuart administration before the general election, due by early June. In fact, with Parliament set be automatically dissolved tomorrow, the National Union of Public Workers’ (NUPW) is suggesting that any hope of securing a pay increase for public servants will rest with an incoming Government. In order for workers to get an increase before the general election Parliament has to approve a supplementary to the 2017-2018 Budget. In addition, statutory emoluments such as salaries have to be approved by an Act of Parliament. NUPW President Akanni McDowall this afternoon told Barbados TODAY the fulfilment of any deal struck at this stage would be dependent on the party that forms the next Government. “Yes, you can still have negotiations with Government and hope that the incoming administration will honour any agreement made between the unions and the Government. Maybe it would not be fair to those coming in but we have to treat it as a commitment nonetheless.” McDowall said. The Ministry of the Civil Service last week hinted that Government wanted progress made in wages and salary negotiations before the polls. Permanent Secretary Alyson Forte told Barbados TODAY at the time he had been given a fresh mandate –which he declined to disclose – that would be sent out to the three main unions, the National Union of Public Workers (NUPW), the Barbados Workers’ Union (BWU) and the Congress of Trade Unions and Staff Associations of Barbados (CTUSAB), early this week. Pressed to reveal what he would offer the public workers, Forte had called for patience, repeating that “by next week, they will be able to get some feedback as to what my mandate is”. However, McDowall said the union was yet to receive formal correspondence from the ministry, and in any event there was no guarantee that it would be willing to entertain the administration at this stage. (BT)

SOME SOUTH COAST AREAS GET AN EASE, BUT OTHERS WORSE OFF –While two of the worst sewage affected areas on the south coast appear to be experiencing some relief, the problem seems to be emerging in other areas, according to a spokesman for the residents. Community activist Adrian Donavan said the bubbling effluent which had been a common sight in front of the post office and First Caribbean International Bank in Worthing and near Lanterns Mall in Hastings, Christ Church has eased after repair work by the Barbados Water Authority (BWA). “In other words, it has shifted. Where the overflow was in front CIBC – they doing some work there, the drain is open – the problem area has shifted in front Esso Gas Station opposite Trimart, and in front Massy,” Donavan told Barbados TODAY. “Massy is then worse . . . . So right in front Massy, which is next to the post office, kicking up. They are working on the main problem that has been up and running for a very long time. But the other two kicking up,” he added. However, he said the smelly water has reappeared yards away from the those locations, to less affected areas. Donavan also said several hundred yards away in the vicinity of Emperor’s Court, ShopSmart and Palm Garden, the sewage has broken out again. The community activist also reported the BWA has sealed the problematic sewer near Lanterns Mall, with steel slabs covering the damaged area, stressing that while there was some leakage near Tapas and KFC in Hastings, “the main one has stopped for the time being”. Donavan also reported seeing evidence of effluent appearing for the first time recently on 3rd Avenue in Dover near the luxury international brand, Sandals Barbados Resort, as well as opposite the Regency Cover hotel in Hastings.  (BT)

ISAACS TO RUN ANGLICAN AFFAIRS – Canon Wayne Isaacs has been appointed diocesan administrator to run the affairs of the Anglican Church in Barbados until a new bishop is selected. Isaacs, 65, who now serves as canon missioner, is known for his incisive sermons while he was rector ofSt Paul’s Anglican Church.  He was elected to the interim top administrative position Monday during a one and a half hour meeting of members of the Cathedral Chapter consisting of Dean of the Cathedral Dr Jeffrey Gibson, Archdeacon Eric Lynch and Canons Dr Geoffrey Mayers, Austin Carrington, George Harewood, Coleridge Darlington, Curtis Goodridge and Isaacs. This development followed the retirement last week of Archbishop of the West Indies and Bishop of Barbados, Dr John Holder, after serving the diocese for 17 years.  In an interview with the DAILY NATION yesterday, Holder expressed confidence in the procedure for finding his replacement. “The diocese has a very good, well though-out, legally sound process that leads to the election of a bishop. “I have no doubt that the diocese will continue to function smoothly and with the grace of God, we will elect a bishop in a few months’ time,” he added. The senior bishop of the Province of the West Indies, Rev Errol Brooks, from the Northeastern Caribbean and Aruba, would be informed of the interim appointment. The diocesan administrator will have a prescribed period to get the diocese in the election mode and the Synod Council will set the date for the elective synod meeting. It is anticipated election will take place within the next three or four months and a new bishop should be in place by mid-year. (DN)

SHAKKA THE HERO! – Massage therapist Gabriel Shakka Phillips risked his life today at Mullins Beach, St Peter to save the Royal Westmoreland Beach Club thousands of dollars in property, as a high surf advisory and small craft warning were issued for the island. Large waves and dangerous rip currents, especially along the north and west coasts of the island, created unsafe conditions for small craft operators, forcing sea bathers to avoid the choppy waters. The angry waves also attempted to swallow beach umbrellas and cushions placed there by the luxury resort, forcing Phillips to act. Phillips, who got to work around 6:30 this morning, described the scene as one of devastation, and the massage therapist of over 35 years is being lauded for devoting his time to saving beach property. (BT)

SURF UP –The large waves and high, pounding surf which delighted beach watchers and surfers were a bitter pill for fisherfolk and watersports operators. Last Friday, the Barbados Metrological Service issued a high-surf advisory and small craft warning, which came into effect on Sunday at 6 p.m. and lasts until 6 p.m. Tuesday. The surf was accompanied by some dangerous rip currents along the northern and western coasts. The surge, which was expected to go as high as 13 feet, washed sand ashore past the beachfront properties and onto Highway 1 at Lower Carlton, St James, and Six Men’s, St Peter. Fish boner Brenda Ifill, who was scaling flying fish at the Six Men’s Market, said large waves washed up a lot of wood, garbage and other debris on the road over the last two weeks. The choppy water prevented day boat operators from plying their trade and the market was not as lively as usual. Ifill said although a rough sea was dangerous, residents and people who worked in the fishing village were accustomed to seeing large waves. “When the sea ready, it does flood most of the huts out here, so this isn’t anything compared to what we got in the past.” George “Sarge” Martin-Husbands, who scales catches of the day from fishermen and divers, said he was out of work for a few days as they could not go to sea. Pointing to a number of day boats tied to poles on the shore, he told the DAILY NATION: “The sea was acting up from about two weeks ago but today was the worst. All the sand you can see, washed up here this morning round four and in Moon Town [St Lucy], and as usual all the fishermen asked me to haul in their boats for them.” At Paynes Bay fish market in St James, owner of two day boats, Wellington Blackman, who fishes intermittently, said he was worried about his vessels anchored offshore but was even more concerned about sea corrosion. “The houses and buildings constructed close to the seashore make the damage on the coast worse,” he argued. “There is nowhere for the water to go and in some cases there is no beach.” The high sea was also a spectacle for tourists and locals in Paynes Bay and Lower Carlton, also in St James. Geoffrey Tryhane, from the Barbados Surfing Association, and other surfers were spotted at Tropicana/Thunder Bay in Lower Carlton trying to ride the large waves.  (DN)

JETTY IS DOOMED – As large swells pounded the Speightstown jetty Monday, further damaging the structure, a businessman from the area is contending that the pier should never be repaired.  “It is at the strongest part of the break. It makes no sense throwing good money behind bad money,” Austin Husbands told the DAILY NATION, pointing out that he, too, had consulted with an engineer and once the jetty remained in its present location, it was doomed since it would get a pounding from strong waves. Husbands was referring to attempts being made by neighbouring restaurant proprietor, Mark Daghorn, to get the jetty repaired and reopened at a cost of $600 000. Daghorn is still awaiting approval from Government. But Husbands insisted that the current jetty was in the wrong location.“It keeps getting destroyed and getting destroyed. Between November and April is spring tide and it will continue to get damaged by the waves unless you carry it 20 feet in the air, but you will be wasting money to repair it as it stands.” A high surf advisory was issued for Barbados by the Meteorological Office, which warned of large waves and dangerous rip currents along the coasts. These currents ripped some more boards from the jetty. (DN)

DOUBLE DOSE – The Sargassum seaweed blanketing the East Coast beaches proved to be good and bad last Saturday. While it has trapped countless pieces of plastic and prevented them from being washed back out to sea, it however made things difficult for a team of volunteers who were intent on ridding the beach of that plastic. On Saturday, marine biologist and underwater photographer Lucy Agace and at least ten other people descended on the beaches along the Ermy Bourne Highway in St Andrew. But they were confronted with mounds of seaweed, some at least two feet deep, which were covering the sand from water’s edge to the grassy area. “The scale of seaweed and the garbage is kinda daunting because this time last year there wasn’t any seaweed, so it was much easier to clean. “It has hindered,” said Agace, as she took a break from pulling lengths of rope and fishing net from among the sand. “Yes, it has hindered because it’s covering things up. “Yes, we do have a Sargassum seaweed problem. There are two areas – there is one up in the Caribbean Sea and one off the coast of South America – and we seem to be in the middle of them both. Depending on the currents, I think we get double whammy. But I think what it does, it acts as a net for the plastic. So when it does dump, it is dumping it with a lot more plastic than it used to,” she explained. She said the most difficult part was picking tiny pieces of plastic from among the brown mat of seaweed. Those small pieces were everywhere, but could only be seen when they were at the top. “The hard part is picking these things up but this is it and they are everywhere,” she said.  Agace explained that she conceptualised the clean-up because even though no one knew from where the marine debris and plastic came, once it was on the beach “it could well go back into the sea”. “This beach faces the Atlantic and it just always seems to have plastic on it because we are the first island that it will hit. It will go past and hit Grenada, St Lucia and St Vincent, I am sure, but we seem to get the brunt of it. “And the whole point is to stop it going back into the sea. Where we can, we recycle it,” she said. She surmised the clean-up might have to be done at least three times a year to keep ahead of the marine debris problem.  (DN)

MISSING MUM – The son of a St Joseph woman who has been missing for the past five days is prepared for the worst, but still hoping for the best. Police say 66-year-old Gloria Mayers of Cleavers Hill, St Joseph was last seen around 5:15 p.m. on Wednesday, February 28 by residents in Gaggs Hill in the same parish. Mayers’ sudden disappearance has left members of her family quite shaken, especially the eldest of four children, Junior Edghill, who said he had a conversation with his mother just before leaving home around four o’ clock on Wednesday and everything seemed fine. However, about two hours later, he got a call from his stepfather alerting him to her disappearance. “I left home just after four o’clock . . .  and she was talking good,” he told Barbados TODAY. However, he said his mother was later picked up on surveillance cameras leaving home “just four minutes behind me [and] walking fast”. Since then, Edghill said he had also received reports that she was spotted in St Elizabeth Village, St Joseph sitting under a tree. “I am not sure what has gone wrong. She is not a weak person; she just has a slight case of diabetes. I don’t want to [think] the worst, but right now this is going onto five days and I’m not sure,” the distraught son said. And while stating that “wandering is not something she would normally do”, he revealed that “the last time she did anything like this was sometime late last year when she went to Foster Hall [St John] before coming back to Bathsheba [St Joseph] where someone gave her a ride home”. On that occasion, “when we asked her where she was going she said she was just going for a walk so we didn’t pay it any mind because she isn’t accustomed walking away. But we know that she was forgetting a little, but not to the extent that she would walk away”, Edghill said, suggesting that his mother was showing early signs of Alzheimer’s. However, this time seems different. Instead of half an hour, she has now been missing for five days and her son is at his wits end. He explained that since her retirement, his mum hardly leaves the house. In fact, she generally did not go anywhere. “She would not go into town, but she would still use the stove, make her breakfast, and bathe, and clean the yard. She normally helps the old man take care of the animals on evenings, rest and get something to eat. She doesn’t go anywhere, she is always home,” he stressed. Both he and his brother have been searching feverishly throughout the surrounding districts looking for their mother, but so far to no avail. “I hear people talking about missing somebody. People who were never in a situation like this always say, ‘Man, you will find them. That body just trying to get away for little while’. But now that it has happened to me, I know how it feels,” he said between tears. “The first night when I was looking for her around 11:30 the rain began to fall and the wind was blowing hard and that made me cry. I was just wondering where my mother could be. You can’t imagine how somebody feels until it happens to you,” he stressed, adding that “I just hope she comes home safe.” “People are telling me to keep hope alive, but I know if my mother was alive and strong she would have been walking along some road. She can’t walk through the bush for five days. I don’t know what to think,” he told Barbados TODAY.   (BT)

FIRE EXTENSIVELY DAMAGES HOME IN STATION HILL – A St Michael family is counting its losses after fire struck last night, extensively damaging their home. Neither 24-year-old Javon Yearwood nor his sister Juanita Yearwood were at home when the blaze occurred just after 9 p.m., damaging their three-bedroom wood and wall dwelling, located at 1st Avenue, Station Hill. Two fire tenders and seven officers responded to the blaze in which two other houses suffered minor damage. As investigations continue, police are appealing to anyone with information on the incident to contact the District ‘A’ Police Station at 430-7242 or 430-7246.  (BT)

TEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING COUNTERFEIT MONEY – An 18-year-old man was granted $3,000 bail when he appeared in a Bridgetown Court today charged with possession of counterfeit money. Elijah Akeem Copeland, of Chase Road, Halls Road, St Michael, is accused of uttering to Headquarters Sports Bar, on February 15, four $50 bank notes, with the same serial numbers, purporting them to be genuine notes issued by the Central Bank of Barbados, knowing them to be forged. It is also alleged that Copeland tried to buy a bottle of alcohol worth $154 from the same sports bar with the counterfeit money. He was not required to plead to the indictable charges when he appeared before Magistrate Douglas Frederick in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court this morning. Sergeant Rudy Pilgrim objected to bail for the accused on the grounds that he is currently on bail from the High Court on a charge of endangering life. The prosecutor also pointed to the nature and seriousness of the offence, as well as the need to protect society. “The issuance of counterfeit in these economic times Sir has to be taken into consideration, especially with entrepreneurs getting duped,” Pilgrim said. However, defence attorney Angella Mitchell-Gittens argued that while her client was already on bail, the two offences were not of a similar nature. She also pointed out that the unemployed teen had no priors and that the objections raised by the prosecution were not enough to “deny this boy his liberty”. Magistrate Douglas Frederick agreed with her arguments. “Even though this is a serious matter, it is [something] that can easily occur, but it is still complex,” the magistrate said just before he accepted Copeland’s surety. However, he told the accused that he had to be careful in the future as he had now been granted bail twice. Copeland is to reappear in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court on May 10.  (BT)

BEAUTICIAN ON BAIL – A 52-year-old Barbadian woman, with Canadian citizenship, was granted $30,000 bail when she appeared in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court today on several drug charges. Suzanne Elizabeth McClean, of Thomas Gap, President Kennedy Drive, St Michael, pleaded not guilty to two counts of unlawful possession of cannabis, two counts of possession of cannabis with intent to supply and two counts of trafficking cannabis. The illegal substance, weighing 7.1 kilogrammes, carries an estimated street value of $57,000. According to police, the cosmetologist was intercepted by members of the Drug Squad at Bank Hall, St Michael on March 2 with 26 packages of cannabis, concealed in bags. A search warrant was also executed at her home, where an additional quantity of the drug was discovered. There were no objections to her bail. However, the prosecutor, Sergeant Rudy Pilgrim, requested that McClean be made to surrender her passport and all other travel documents to the court. Pilgrim also informed Magistrate Douglas Frederick that there were plans by the Crown to seize some of the accused woman’s assets. However, McClean’s legal counsel Angella Mitchell-Gittens contended that her client had not been convicted of any criminal offence. “This is something that happens now. The Crown attempts to seize some things, but you can’t take up people’s things unless they are convicted. They are moving too quickly,” the defence lawyer said. Following those submissions, Frederick granted McClean bail with one surety. The accused, who returns to court on August 13, must report to the Black Rock Police Station every Wednesday before 10 a.m. with valid identification. (BT)

SECURITY OFFICER GETS BAIL – A 33-year-old security officer was granted $1,000 bail today after spending the weekend at HMP Dodds. Leroy Dacosta Phillips, of White Hall, St Thomas, was remanded to prison last Friday after he was unable to present a surety to post bail on his behalf. When he appeared before Magistrate Kristie Cuffy-Sargeant last week he pleaded not guilty to stealing a pair of headphones worth $30 belonging to Hartley Wiggins on March 1. He also denied assaulting and resisting Police Sergeant Frank Olton and Constables Andrew Boyce and Rommel Drakes in the execution of their duties on the same day. The case against Philips continues in the No. 2 District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court on June 14. (BT)

MAN PLEADS GUILTY TO ASSAULTING HIS EX - A 30-year-old man, who forced his way into his ex-girlfriend’s room, is to know his fate on March 16. Marlon Terry Martyr, of September Square, Hart’s Gap, Christ Church, pleaded guilty to assaulting Olivia Burgess on January 27, occasioning her actual bodily harm and damaging a door belonging to Saeeda Kalang on the same day without lawful excuse. However, he was not required to plead to the charge of entering Kalang’s house as a trespasser and inflicting bodily harm on Burgess. According to the prosecutor, Burgess and Martyr were involved in a relationship and are the parents of a one-year-old child. Burgess lives in a room at Kalang’s house and on the aforementioned date was at home when she heard loud talking. She came out of the room to inspect what was going on, but quickly ran back into the room, locked herself in and called the police after hearing the words “child father”. However, that did not deter Martyr, who kicked down the door and damaged the dead bolt, before cuffing Burgess in the face several times. Martyr’s attorney Akelia Reid told Magistrate Douglas Frederick that her client had already spoken to the landlord about paying for the door, which costs $350. However, the magistrate said he would need to speak with both the landlord and Burgess before issuing a ruling in the matter, which was missing some essential links. Until then, Martyr, who returns to court next Friday, must stay away from the complaints in the case. (BT)

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[iviolingirl]

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The past day and a half has been very stressful. Last year just before I turned 23, I found out that my GG (great grandma) was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. At first we thought it was lung cancer, (which didn't make any sense because she is not a smoker) but we now think it was probably ovarian cancer. Even though she was stage 4, she elected to begin chemotherapy treatment because she wanted more time and wasn't ready to say goodbye to all of us. She only has one daughter, but my grandma has six children, and there are 18 of us grandkids so we have quite a large family. For awhile her treatment was helping her buy more time, but of course it eventually began to take its toll on her and make her sick. So, after her doctor told us that her cancer was spreading rapidly, he advised us to discontinue treatment, set up hospice care, and enjoy the time with her we had left. He gave her an expected three to six months left. This was around the middle of October, I believe. (The time has all run together due to my emotions so I don't exactly remember the time frame.) On November 1, my GG turned 85 years old. She had already stopped her treatment, and was spending lots of time with us. We took her out to dinner for her birthday and then gave her a birthday cake. I went to visit my family for her birthday the week previous to her actual birthday, so the last week of October. I travel two and a half hours to see my parents and such since I don't live at home anymore. I moved for college. Since I work retail, I of course had to work the Black Friday sales, so I went home for thanksgiving with my boyfriend on Monday and Tuesday of last week. My GG was getting much weaker, I could tell the cancer was taking its toll on her, but she was still able to get around with her wheelchair and use the bathroom alone. She wasn't eating very much, and her voice was pretty faint, but she was still strong willed as ever. All of the women in my family most definitely got our stubbornness from her. So after thanksgiving on Monday, my boyfriend and I headed back home the following day so we could be back for work. My mom told me she would call me if GG started taking a turn for the worse. My family celebrated their thanksgiving at my moms house this past Saturday, since most of us work for the same retail company and so would be working on thanksgiving day. My family posted pictures on Facebook. In just the few days since I had last seen her, my GG looked much worse. She was either lying down or in the rocking chair constantly, and had to have help going to the bathroom since she couldn't walk anymore. I could see in the pictures that it wouldn't be much longer, but I hoped at least she had a few more weeks, and would at least make it to Christmas Day. However, this was not to be. Yesterday, I was at work. I usually keep my phone in my pocket and have it on vibrate in case someone needs to get a hold of me. I work at the service desk, so if I feel my phone go off, I usually just go to the bathroom to see what it is. But on Monday, I got asked to cover the lunch on the smoke shop register, which you can't leave unattended at all. While I was over there, I felt my phone start vibrating from a fall in my pocket, and I thought it might have been my mom calling about my GG, but I assured myself if something was wrong, she'd either keep calling me or call the store and ask for me. Neither of these happened, so I decided to just wait until my break and check my phone. About half an hour later, around 11:30 AM I got my break, checked my phone and saw it was a missed call from my mom, just like I thought. So I called her back and she told me what I had feared. GG had begun to take a turn for the worse the previous night. She was no longer eating, drinking, and was barely talking. She was in a lot of pain. I asked my mom if it was time for me to come, and she said yes. I said okay mom, I'll come. So I hung up the phone, and after having a meltdown in the middle of the front end, went and found my store manager, explained why I was leaving, and left. I went home, calmed down a bit so I could make the drive, threw a bag together, put some gas in my car and got on the highway around 12:45 or 1 pm. Everybody was at my aunts house, since that's where we had GG. I got to my aunts just before 3:30 and went inside to find all of my aunts and uncles, my mom and my grandma, plus most of my cousins (the ones that weren't at school). GG was on the couch with her oxygen cannula in her nose, with her legs twitching due to her restless legs. She was somewhat able to communicate still, and she was able to recognize that we were there and tell us she loved us, although it was mostly mumbling. She was being given several different medicines to keep her as calm and comfortable as we could. She was starting to get bed sores. I sat with her and held her hand, told her I loved her and I came to see her. Later that evening, we made the decision to move her into the hospital bed my aunt had rented and set up in the living room. My mom, my brothers and I headed back to my moms house around maybe 9pm, I needed to do some laundry and my brothers both had school in the morning. I had barely eaten much that day due to my anxiety making mg stomach so upset, but I decided I was up to getting something so I put some shoes on, grabbed my purse and headed upstairs. At this exact moment, Braeden (my 16 year old brother) told me that mom was going back to Cathy's (my aunts house.) I asked what was happening, mom said she was having trouble breathing and the morpheme may have been upsetting her stomach. So we jumped in the car, leaving Braeden to stay with my younger brother since he was in bed. We got back to my aunts house, and GGs breathing was much more labored. We eventually got her comfortable again by giving her more medicine and lying her flat on her back. Then for a couple hours, it was a cycle of her sleeping and then waking back up when her medicine wore off, then us giving her more medicine. At this point, we really thought that she would be going soon, so all of us started to say our goodbyes and told her we loved her. I was at her bedside with my mom and my grandma, four generations all together. My mother tearfully asked my grandma if anyone had told her it was okay to go, and grandma said she had. I decided to tell her myself. I got down and whispered in her ear that it was okay for her to go now, that we loved her, and it was going to be okay. I really thought she was going to leave us last night, but true to my GGs stubbornness, she stayed with us. My mom and I eventually left my aunts house after 1 am, and went back home after stopping for me to get a snack because I was very hungry. I went home, ate my snack, and went to bed around 230. I actually didn't sleep too bad once I fell asleep. I woke up shortly after seven this morning to my mom calling me to say she was taking my younger brother to school and then was going back to GG. I told her I would take a shower and then head out there myself. So I got up, showered and left. When I got to my aunts house, Around maybe 830-9 am, my GGs breathing was much more raspy due to all the fluid in her lungs. She was no longer responsive to us and her breathing was beginning to slow down. She was beginning to turn grey around the mouth. We were giving her medicine hourly to keep her comfortable. Due to her no longer being able to swallow, her saliva was building up in her mouth so my aunts would suction it out with a syringe every so often. Throughout the day, her breathing began slowing down even more and she was taking more time in between her breaths. Around 6pm I decided that I was most likely going to spend the night at my aunts because we all pretty much knew she would pass sometime with the next day. I ran back to my moms to grab a few things, and my computer just so I had something to keep me occupied and my mind busy. When I got back, dinner was about ready and they had stared making the younger kids plates since they made them something different. So just after 7pm, I sandwiched myself between my grandma and one of my aunts in the corner of the couch I'd been sitting in all day, and we started eating dinner. 7:12 PM. I had a forkful of food on its way to my mouth. All of a sudden, everyone jumped up. Although I didn't hear it, two of my aunts heard the machine noise that meant GG had stopped breathing. She had left us. We threw our plates aside and rushed to her bedside. My poor grandmother was leaned over her saying "oh, mama" over and over and over. I just leaned over her and rubbed her back, saying it's okay and GG isn't in any more pain. We all told GG we loved her and all us adults were at her side as she left us. We cried and told her we loved her and held her and stroked her hair and leaned on each other as the moment we all dreaded had finally arrived. Someone called the hospice nurse, and eventually the funeral home came to take her. I had notified some people close to me shortly after she passed, but other than that I had not left her side. The only person I was unable to get a hold of was my boyfriend, because unbeknownst to me his phone was dead and he was making the drive from his parents house back to where we live. My aunt had her hand under GGs chin because she didn't want her mouth to be stuck open. Eventually her hand got sore, so I took over. I don't really know how long I stood there with my hand under her chin, telling her I loved her, how strong she was, and crying with my family as we all said our goodbyes. Eventually the people from the funeral home arrived and it was time to take her away. I was still standing at her bedside holding her chin so her mouth would be closed. My Grandma came up to say her final goodbyes, and my aunts all comforted her and told her she wasn't in any more pain, she was okay, her family was taking care of her now, she was listening to Elvis. She had such a wonderful life. My mother had paperwork to sign since she is my GGs medical power of attorney, but when she was done I reached out for her. My mother, my grandma and I leaned over my GG and I said that we had all four generations together. I still had my hand under GGs chin. At this point, my boyfriend returned my phone call. With my hand still on GG, I picked up the phone and told him that GG had died and that I was still holding her, but now I had to let go so they could take her. My mom and my aunt were telling me it was okay, and I let her go and went outside to cry on the phone to my boyfriend. After I was done, I went inside to give GG one last kiss before the funeral home took her away. And the she was gone. We will meet tomorrow morning to make funeral arrangements. I am in so much emotional pain. I am exhausted. The past day and a half has been such a blur. I have never watched someone die before. But I am so glad I got to be by her side and she passed peacefully, surrounded by her family. I am emotionally numb. The next few days will be difficult. RIP GG. I love you so much.