#i am not happy with myself
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I think I really need to develop a routine again... even if earlier this month I was sleeping in the morning and waking up in the afternoon at least I still had a certain time I was falling asleep by, and a time that I normally woke up by. Now I've just been all over the place. Part of it has been because of pain/physical symptoms (laying down during a flare-up and then dozing off instead) but I've also been up at night, and panicking so much during nighttime, dealing with racing thoughts and compulsions again.
I just don't know how to get myself back on track and I really feel like I'm a lost cause with all of my bad habits, disorganized life, unhealthy lifestyle, feeling that my baseline anxiety is way higher than normal, and dealing with the physical consequences, too. I wish I could sleep and function like a normal person. I don't want to be struggling all the time. I just really miss where I was before even though I wasn't 'perfect' then either but I think people picking out everything I was still doing 'wrong' (my family members, nurses, etc.) made me feel like none of my progress mattered because I'm not 100% 'healed' yet. And I just started slipping back into bad habits again. I don't even know where to start with fixing myself. Help.
#insomnia#mental health#chronic illness#i genuinely do not know what to do.#like at this point i think what i need to fix first is sleep because poor sleep makes all of my other symptoms a lot worse#had a therapist a long time ago tell me that i should always focus on fixing my sleep first#but sleep is the hardest thing for me right now#especially because nighttime is when my ocd symptoms worsen and i struggle the most with compulsive behaviors#i've been learning strategies to cope with ocd but it's still so hard as soon as it's night and i just feel like i'm never going to improve#i am not happy with myself#i just feel anxious all the time and i hate it#ngl i feel hopeless about myself and i just. don't know how to pick myself up again
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there are things i want this summer,,,,
#aesthetic moodboard#summer moodboard#green moodboard#warm moodboard#soft moodboard#its not fair i feel so cold#im cold#coldcoldcold#everything is dead and it makes me dead#i want to be happy with myself#i am not happy with myself#opossums can talk
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trick or treat!
#my art#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#nobara kugisaki#maki zenin#yuta okkotsu#inumaki toge#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#u could argue that the spoilers r hidden by the costumes but idw take my chances#i havent posted art in a billion years i feel like a fraud and i am going to get a bad grade in tumblr dot com#so i am posting these early idc anymore#i still have probably one more halloween draws i plan on posting but im cracking i want these out of my drafts Now#these KILLED ME#i miss drawing fast i miss it so badddddd#dont get me wrong the costume design ws so fun i loved it but god did it take ages#but on the bright side. yuuji in a toga.#on another bright side. little devil nobara n cowgirl maki#on yet anotHER bright side. eldritch horror pandachu#these costumes eat if i do say so myself ghjsdfkgjf undead inuokko makes me so happy also they r so cute#not to mention megumi in his gay little hat god i made itfs so obnoxiously flirty in this#remember when i said the timeskip art ws the least heterosexual group photo i've ever drawn i take it back#theyre disgusting . save nobara episode 356325746732#anyway happy 10 days early halloween <3#i will try to not take a whole week to finish the last piece(s)
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couldnt draw my thang for mid-autumn so treated myself to a calne redesign instead
#calne ca#hatsune miku#VOCALOID#cw: body horror#<- And I Fucking Mean That We Are Not Fucking Around Today#well we are. as in I drew this as a fuckaround treat for myself#but the body horror tag is the most warranted its ever been on this blog#ask to tag#I am as ever on my journey to make calne ca Worse. her OG version is too cool. even the crab ver is too cool#I need her to be worse to look at. I am also getting myself into to mood to test my hand at boarding a pmv for my friend's cover#I think my thought for this was ''I should try and give her a more insectoid bodyplan''#which in this mostly means gently three-part body and six limbs (my favourite amount of limbs to draw rn)#actually almost gave her eight but didnt like how that silhouette came out so I mermaided her uh. abdomen I guess#though maybe next time I do this I should push that idea more. the head and torso are still very distinct for one unified part#I feel like one of my old attempts was onto something with like. a more horizontal body plan... well! live and learn etc#happy late mid autumn I guess. I should play with touys about it... I miss model kits. mayhaps...
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the fact that fifteen saw ruby be loved and wanted by both her biological and adopted mothers and went I Have To Leave Immediately For Reasons
#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#literally yelled GO TO THERAPY at my screen agdjgshdgshgd#'after splitting in two i am now healthy and happy and at peace with myself' no the fuck you aren't!!!!!!!!#the doctor#fifteen
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he did it! 🐍 and it only took...uhhh...well, there probably could've been less punches, but why hold back!
PUNCHES FOR EVERYONE
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 9 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 9 spoilers#snakes#ONE MORE DOWN#oh my god happy jamil was SO scary and yet adorable all at once#i want real jamil to see him and just be utterly disgusted#and yet he got nothing on the return of everyone's favorite twst character: WEIRD RHYTHMIC ELEPHANT#oh weird rhythmic elephant what would we do without you#me kicking my stupid little feet as jamil wakes up through sheer force of kalim though#he was SO happy for jamil and SO ready to just go along with everything. my sweet boy.#jamil getting so flustered by him that he's just shocked back into reality#and the SLAPFIGHT#silver being like 'they need this' and doing his one smile animation as kalim and jamil are pulling on each other's hair and going YOU SMEL#mmm yes delicious#also this is probably nothing but#but...they brought up the whole thing with azul having dirt on crowley again#the thing that was briefly alluded to in episode 4 and never mentioned ever again?!#i had JUST finally convinced myself that i was reading too much into it and it was just azul playing along with jamil's plan#but now they've mentioned it again and i'm going to be all BUT WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEAAAAN for another three years about it#is it a meaningless reference to that one scene?! is it absolutely ridiculous foreshadowing?! am i ever going to be validated?!#I HAVE TO KNOW
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“i love being aromantic” i say as i feel my chest cavity rotting from the inside at the unquenchable desire for love in a way that is truly a secret third thing but its not a secret i want to keep it is a secret nobody is willing to listen to and im trapped in a state of isolation of my own making because no matter how much love i have to give it will never be enough. it will never be enough. it will never be enough.
#space.txt#aromantic#its like something gnawing on my bones!!!#i am who i am but who i am is somebody nobody else wants#and do i want to be wanted?#im trapped in a world that will never give me the dignity to be truly happy by myself#financially and culturally! im doomed by the narrative#i look forward and there will be friendships but they will never be enough i feel like a fucking ALIEN#i need to meet another aroace person irl so bad its so fucking lonely how do people deal with this#1k#all the notes on this.. WE WIL BE OKAY!!!#2k
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please please please when something good happens, let yourself feel good! be proud of yourself, revel in that joy, bask in the happiness. you deserve it! you deserve to feel good!!
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i got it!
(og panels below!!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIFFRIN!!! <- i say, scheduling this to post at midnight september 2nd. it’s his birthday somewhere!! and also loops birthday but look i had a deadline here. don’t ask why This of all things is their birthday art. i make normal choices!!!
also. somehow this entire thing only took 4 and a half hours??? insanity. i literally started this Today. thats how it Gets Me i suppose. anyways!!!! here’s the og panels!! no colored version this time, i didn’t think it’d fit the scene. also i didn’t want to render 3 colored panels.
#marshdoodles#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#shoutout to the 2 people on discord who immediately wished to be the tutorial sadness when i posted this#honestly . i get it.#we were out all day today and i STILL managed to get this done somehow#i dont think i can call myself a slow artist anymore#part of me wanted to make a happy birthday edit of this in the same vein as the merry christmas edit but#it is. 10pm. and i am sleepy#no cake for him
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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it's time to go, my love (ID in alt)
#vashwood#trigun maximum spoilers#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#ruporas art#been in a very bad Art rut lately... the fatigue is finally catching up so i turned to my very trusty muses#to bring me somewhere. somehow its vol 10 i always return to. though i thnk this is the first time im posting v10 art#i have so many in my drafts but this vol always made me emotional. It's been a year now so my emotions#They've cleared up. Somewhat.#i think i just delusioned myself into a place where ww is always alive bc i draw him well and healthy all the time. his death is such an#essential part to the narrative though... i'll never be able to run from it completely :']. anyway. im not too sure how to elaborate my#Thoughts on this one but i am quite Happy with the blueness of it all.
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I’ve said this before, but I always found stories that frame heaven as “evil” and hell as “good” (or less bad) to be genuinely boring. I like more nuanced approaches to each realm.
I understand that for a lot of people, Christianity is a religion they like to criticize and mock, but I feel like if you don’t even understand the fundamentals of the religion, why even attempt to critique it?
#txt#an Angel wouldn’t be happy with mass genocide or abuse unless they convinced themselves there was a righteous reason for it#and more importantly. forgiveness and redemption is a huge part of Christianity#like as a queer person myself I get annoyed when queer writers pull the ‘well Christian’s oppressed us so we can do what we want’ card like#alright man. if you want to criticize the religion I am completely behind you#but if you’re going to heavily mischaracterized christianity to make it a black and white ‘evil’ religion. you look dumb
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some quick jjk eye paintings
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#yuji itadori#nobara kugisaki#yuta okkotsu#gojo satoru#geto suguru#ryoumen sukuna#fanart#jjk fanart#tagging everyone feels like it took longer than the actual painting my god#i believe ive gone on record waxing poetic about how i love lower eyelids and how i could paint them fr hours#so i put my money where my mouth is and thats what i did today . self care :)#i had a cool idea fr gojo where i wanted to do like an abberated effect to show 2 extra sets of eyes#but god it looked cluttered and awful no matter what layer mode i put it on sdgdgjsdg#settled fr chromatic abberation on th irises :')#quickish painting but i am ! happy !#very proud also of the different eye shapes i ws able to achieve while keeping them consistently sized#was worried abt geto there fr a sec#but tbh he turned out to be one of my favs ????? surprised myself#anyway this is my love letter to eye skin <3 i love u lower eyelid folds mwah <3
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[MASTERPOST] Being a witcher is not always easy - but what is, really? Still, Geralt feels bad that Jaskier is now living through something he never wanted him to experience again. (What is a spielzeugkaiser post if there isn't hurt/comfort, honestly-)
#NOW we are back - hehe#the witcher#geraskier#jaskier#geralt of rivia#bear!jaskier#geralt is ready to attacc#he protecc#I am aiming for my old update scheudle of thursdays and sundays! we will see if that works but for the next two weeks I have stuff prepared#but little things!!#I don't want to stress myself#i'm just happy to be drawing again#finally feeling like me!!#why is it that I come back on pride month with implied homophobia and why does that feel on brand
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With the end of season two comes a second redraw!
[Nov 2022] [June 2023] [June 2024]
#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#I was really looking forwards to this redraw - though the jump in skill isn't as dramatic as the last one I still am proud of my progress!#It's really incredible to look back on this last year and how much has happened since then.#Both in my personal life and this blog.#I started the second season while I was going through some pretty rough times and it truly kept my sanity afloat.#I challenged myself a lot more this year! And while it didn't always turn out the way I hoped-#-being messy and earnestly trying to do something different has been my favourite part of art.#There will always be a lot of room to grow - I don't think art and creativity has a ceiling.#I went from doubting that I was even an artist to joining a gamedev team as the lead artist! That's character growth!#Thank you all once again for joining me on this journey B*)#Thank you for all the messages and support you have sent my way these last 18 months.#I'm so happy to have been given the chance to create something for this community. You've given me so much and I am so grateful.#I'll take a little break to post some personal project stuff this week and resume season three after that!#Onwards to another season of silly (and sometimes serious) comics!
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i know the pain is nauseating. i know you are disappointed. i know you feel betrayed. i know it feels hopeless and bleak. i know you're tired.
please don't disappear.
please be kind.
please continue to take care of yourself.
please keep living day by day.
please live. out of spite. out of hope for a better tomorrow.
if you are POC, queer, femme, trans, disabled, you are loved. you are wanted. i may not know you, but i love you with my whole person. there is still good in this world, this isn't the end.
#important#us politics#pingyappathon#if you need to step away to take care of yourself then please do so. stop doomscrolling.#there so many good marginalized people who cannot leave this country. we have to stay and fight#if not for ourselves then for those who can't.#by nature and job occupation i am a caregiver my heart aches for everyone and myself#personally i live out of rage and bloodlust for my enemies. i fought too hard and too long for my happiness.#i wont back down or give up for myself or others.
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