#i am not even popping the mature label on this one because literally nothing happens

[adelaidedrubman]

for NSFW headcanons: lingerie for John and Jestiny (fingers crossed the fish lingerie appears)

HI skelly THANK YOU skelly the fish lingerie does indeed make an appearance!! unfortunately that’s the only instruction i know how to follow because this is way over the sentence limit and doesn’t actually have any real smut. sorry.

summary: jessie cleans up nice. 

wordcount: 900 

warnings: sexual themes/situations (no explicit sex). property destruction (one sided) and verbal berating (mutual). standing johnjess warning. 

John had grown so accustomed to getting himself worked up for the familiar sight of Jestiny coming to bed in her standard baggy, oversized t-shirts that at best hinted at the outline of bare breasts beneath whatever crude and flaking graphic was plastered on fabric falling to settle past her thighs that he frankly never even allowed himself to imagine the possibility she could ever emerge from his en suite bathroom wearing anything else. 

Hell, he hadn’t even thought she owned proper lingerie — not by any serious definition, anyways. The mismatched sets of busy, garish prints of cartoon hearts or double-bunched cherries that occasionally cried out beneath tattered synthetic lace warped by careless trysts with the ‘tumble dry high’ cycle could hardly be called as much. 

He certainly didn’t expect her to ever adorn the delectable curves of her body with something as glitzy, ornamental, and damn appealing as what she currently strolled over to his bedside in — the force of that signature sturdy yet bouncing gait with sculpted arms swinging at her sides making breasts rise and fall in rhythm from their place hoisted up by iridescent brassiere, the rich greens licking its sides striking the most alluring contrast with the flaming red of her hair (both above and below) only to blend into a vibrant pink gradient that brought out the blush of her lips (both above and below) as the material tapered towards the middle and stretched in a thin strip across her toned stomach. 

And as he rose from the bed to meet her he noted even more tiny, intricate details, as if she had decided to make up for lost time by selecting something all the more baroque. From the tan tone of the fishnets stretched over muscular legs to the braids of translucent plastic that made up its supportive straps to the heavy, opalescent pearl suggestively seated at the front of the panties (it was misplaced slightly to the left, he thought, but he appreciated that the vision was there nonetheless). 

“My, my,” he purred as fingers rushed to undo the tie of the silk robe serving as his own loungewear, half-undone and barely pooling at his elbows by the time she grabbed him by them to shove him against the wall. “Someone decided to clean up nice tonight.” 

“I clean up nice every fuckin’ night,” she growled against the dip of his neck before tracing her tongue along it. “I just decided to do a little extra this time.” 

“And to great appreciation,” he hummed, reaching a hand up to drag along the swell of her cleavage. “You look divine.” As his fingers fell to the fabric of the bra he noted the scalloped lace with shimmering threads interwoven gave the illusion of fish scales. He gave a low laugh at the sight, winding a lock of copper hair around his index. “My little mermaid.” 

He felt her breath hitch against his throat. Oh, she must have liked that. 

“And how lucky I am to be your Prince —” 

He felt the grip of her hand vanish from the crook of his arm, and something heavy thud against the wall beside his skull. Oh —?

“Fuck. You.” 

The remainder of her body heat vanished as she took two long steps backward, eyes narrowed into a glare. “I’m sorry, what —” 

“Fuck,” she repeated through gritted teeth, her hand shooting towards the dresser beside them to quickly snatch one of the model airplanes resting there, “you!” she shouted in punctuation as she slammed her hand against the wall once again, this time shattering the plastic of the model where she struck. “The little mermaid?!” 

“Why the fuck would you do that?!” he demanded, eyes darting between the broken bits of what was once a perfect replica of a skyhawk on the ground and the woman who’d so viciously destroyed it. “I was paying you a compliment, you ungrateful, belligerent —” 

“The little fucking mermaid?!” she screamed, snatching another, larger airplane from atop the dresser and bringing it down to meet the leg she jerked upward to snap it in two. “I —” she sucked in a deep breath, stomping her foot atop one of the halves of the model and crushing it further, “am a fucking rainbow trout, you goddamn asshole!” 

“Well, that —” John hissed, falling to his knees at the pile of broken plastic and jabbing a finger towards it, “was a McDonnell Douglas F-4 Phantom II!” 

“It was a fucking kid’s toy, you immature, overgrown brat!” she snarled. Hypocrite, he thought as he watched her storm towards the door. “But maybe putting it back together can keep you busy tonight, since I sure as shit won’t be!” 

“And where the hell are you going, exactly?” he snapped as she threw open the door to take her outburst into the hallway. 

Her fists clenched into tighter balls as she swung her head back to look over her shoulder with a parting glare. “Fishing!” she shouted back before slamming the door shut behind her, the angry thump of bare feet stomping against cedar continuing to echo through its insulation.

“Fuck!” he screamed back inarticulately at the closed door, swinging his hand forward to send the broken plastic flying to scatter along the floor. 

He drew in a few more ragged breaths in an effort to compose himself before jumping to his feet and dutifully chasing after her. 

He preferred those damn t-shirts to lingerie after all.

[aylinaliens]

I am officially caught up on Oxygen and I started it yesterday, so that’s a new record. I’m so freaking obsessed! And, I’d love some recs because I need more to watch. My first step into the world of Bls came from My Engineer which was brilliant and frustrating, but I loved it. Now, I’m just looking for more and more and more, and this started in July 😂. I’d love some recs and to pop in randomly to chat about the bls if you’d be up for it because they all kill me ~♉️

Sorry for the delayed response but I wanted to take some time to compile a list of recs for you. I tried to mainly rec ones that are mainly available on YouTube, Viki, Line TV, and Netflix but if you need help finding links to watch them let me know!

I highly recommend these (based on the previous ones you’ve seen or ones that I personally loved):

Cherry Magic: This is a Japanese BL that’s currently airing but it’s so good and easily my favorite of the year. It has a wacky premise but it’s very heartwarming, realistic, and soft.

Like In The Movies (aka Gaya Sa Pelikula): This recently ended like a week ago but it was a masterpiece. GSP accurately depicts the struggle of being the LGBTQ+ community and is just generally really well made in terms of the script, cinematography, and OST. There were quite a few BL’s from Philippines released this year but IMO this was the best.

He’s Coming to Me: Incredibly underrated which sucks because it’s really good. The premise is very unique and it’s another accurate depiction of the struggles that LGBTQ+ individuals have to go through. This is pretty angsty but hilarious/heartwarming/adorable at the same time.

Theory of Love: People either absolutely adore TOL or absolutely despise TOL. I personally adored it because I’m a big fan of angst, flawed characters (oh boy were they flawed), and OffGun so it’s one of my favorites. But fair warning the characters are frustrating. So frustrating that you’ll probably want to reach through the screen to smack them but if you hang on till the end it’s worth it. Plus they just released a special episode like a month ago and it really improved any issues I had with TOL.

The Untamed: this is technically labeled as being a ‘bromance’ because of China’s censorship laws but like...it’s extremely obvious that the two ML’s are more than just platonic bros. In the book it’s based on they were together romantically and the drama does a good job of expressing the love they share with subtle (and not so subtle) looks, dialogue, cinematography, touches, and music. The Untamed is very long and at times confusing but 100% worth it.

History 3 Trapped: This was my first introduction to BL and it spoiled all other ones for me. It’s about a gangster and a police officer who go from enemies to lovers. The plot is messy but the chemistry between the leads + second leads makes up for that.

Where Your Eyes Linger: This is a Korean BL and almost everyone I talked to ended up loving this. Sadly this is really short (only 8 episodes that are 10 minutes long) but it’s worth it. It’s about two childhood friends—one of them is the son of a wealthy family and the other is his bodyguard. It handles the friends to lovers excellently and plus the leads have a ton of chemistry.

Mr. Heart: Another Korean BL that was produced by the same company that did WYEL. It’s also short but it’s fluffy and adorable which is a big shift tone from WYEL but I loved both equally.

Life Love On The Line: Another Japanese BL! It came out this year and I feel like it’s really underrated. It’s based on a short manga so the length of the series isn’t that long (4 ep that are 20-30 min long) but it still manages to effectively tell a beautiful love story.

Kinou Nani Tabeta? (What Did You Eat Yesterday): I’m only on episode 1 but...woah. People need to stop sleeping on this. It’s a slice of life drama centered around two men in their forties who are already together. It’s wholesome, soft, and makes me feel all warm inside. Please give this a chance okay?

I Told Sunset About You: I haven’t finished this yet but it’s honestly a masterpiece. The cinematography...the OST...the acting...the script...I’m in complete awe of the whole thing.

Gameboys: Another wonderful PINOY BL! It’s set during this year when the pandemic is going on and it was really good—so good that it got a GL spin off (Pearl Next Door, I highly rec this too even if it’s not BL) and a season 2 which comes out next year.

Hello Stranger: Honestly the Philippines are thriving this year because this was another stellar BL! It’s kind of like Gameboys in how almost the whole drama is filmed over video chat/social media but it was very cute. I believe Hello Stranger is also releasing a movie next year.

Ingredients: This is literally just a very long supermarket ad that’s been going on for 8 months now but it’s adorable. It’s a very low stakes fluffy BL where nothing happens plot wise yet you can’t put it down. Plus...they were roommates ;)

Sotus/Sotus S: not one of my favorites but it’s one of the OG bl’s for a reason. So many people loved the first season but didn’t care for the second (but it was the complete opposite for me). This is kind of the one of the most quintessential Thai BLs out there so feel free to give it a try.

History 2 Right or Wrong: Bls rarely center around mature individuals let alone parents so when I found out the premise of this I was sold. Its only 4 episodes so it’s not the most fleshed out thing ever made but it was incredibly adorable, fluffy, and as honest as they can to address LGBTQ+ parenting. Basically it’s about this college student who ends up as a babysitter for his professor (yeah okay that premise is not for everyone so just be aware if you don’t like that kind of thing) and they fall in love. The whole thing is so fluffy and heartwarming!

Ossan’s Love: This is a Japanese BL about this thirty year old office worker who finds himself in a weird love triangle between his married boss and roommate. I know it sounds like a mess and trust me it definitely is but it’s hilarious. It was a wild ride start to finish but I loved (and hated) every second of it.

Diary of Tootsies: Okay this isn’t a typical BL I guess but it’s about three gay men + their lesbian best friend so you know what? I’m including it on this list. It’s hilariously dumb yet also addresses serious topics like homophobia/sexually transmitted diseases. It’s underrated and I’m so sad about it because it’s genuinely a delight to watch.

YYY the Series: do you know those crack videos on YouTube full of memes and references? Yeah. That’s basically YYY summed up. The whole thing makes zero sense because of how chaotic it is but despite how it’s constantly makes everyone ???? it also has a TON of heart. It’s so dumb but it had me reflecting on my life all the time. I really rec this not just because of how hilarious it is but also because it breaks the mold of other BLs! Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t have a comedic show and talk about consent and how important healthy communication is in relationships because YYY does it perfectly and so much more.

Dark Blue Kiss: I didn’t love this but you might. It’s a sequel/spin off to like two other series (Kiss Me & Kiss Me Again) but you don’t have to watch the others to understand this. Just know that the leads have been dating awhile before the start of the series.

Great Men Academy: People debate if this is a real BL because the main character is a girl who can transform into a boy but I think it still counts. I really enjoyed this and thought the whole cast had a ton of chemistry between them—it was sweet, funny, and had the right amount of angst.

HIS: this is a Japanese movie (I know you said dramas but I enjoyed this so I figured I would include it too). It’s beautiful, angsty, and sweet. There’s a prequel series this is based on but you don’t have to watch it to understand what’s going on.

I have way more recommendations but I figured I would stop there. Hopefully if you give these a go you enjoy this and my asks are always open if you ever want to talk about BL :)

[creativi-dees1509-blog]

First Blog: Netflix Documentary

Blog 1: Killer inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez

 This documentary just dropped last Wednesday and I got a chance to view this three part event. During the time of the case I very seldomly kept tabs on the case. I watched it, but not that often. I just remembered everyone painting him as killer and not really giving him the benefit of the doubt at all. I remembered in that year my sister was complaining that he didn’t get a fair trial, but of course she’s a Patriots fan so I painted her biased. Fast forward a thousand years later and as I’m getting ready to watch another episode of the Magician -great show by the way- I see a trailer pop up Monday…a very dramatic trailer and labeled the Mind of Aaron Hernandez and right away I add on my list, so as soon as it debuts I view.

Here’s my take on the Aaron Hernandez case by the documentary perception. Aaron is charged for the murder of Odin Lloyd and then later a double murder in Florida. From what I gathered the evidence on the Odin Lloyd case was circumstantial. No evidence that he was the one that murdered him. The blueberry bubble gum and black and mild that he purchased prior that was found on the murder scene is only enough evidence to prove he was there…not that he committed the murder. Along with the rental car. From text messages and events leading up to Lloyd’s murder there was no motive there at all. Nothing but rumors and hearsay. Then they attempted to get him on the double murder of two “innocent” men that he randomly shot up because a drink spilled on him? Now Alexander Bradley (looks shady as hell) that was with him that claims Hernandez shot him in the head…I felt he wasn’t a credited witness from the first testimony. This dude is facing four charges and is looking for them to get drop and clearly made a deal with the prosecution, because what would be the reason for the prosecution to list the charges this witness was facing, other than blackmail of some sort. That’s what it sounded like to me. The lawyer Hernandez had previously was pitiful. I mean his representation was terrible. I literally felt like the lawyer did nothing to help Hernandez, in fact if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was in bed with the prosecution. He could’ve made a better case than what he did. It was basically let’s see how the case turns out based on the evidence they have build up. The case had no direction. It sounded to me like witch hunt. This man’s in prison, -not sure if he’s guilty or not- waiting for a sentencing and he gets life based on the what? A jury’s bias because he tatted up with a rough past. I feel like Hernandez was painted as a killer from day one. Netflix already labeled the series with a biased titled and they’re the ones who documented the series and yet they came up with “inside killer”. I am a person who believes there are two sides to every story. I tried to watch the documentary with an open mind, and I do feel for families who had to go through these devastating years losing a loved one. I really do. We can only suggest than Hernandez is a killer. Guarantee if this was Rob Gronkowski instead of Aaron Hernandez, the state of Mass. would have presented this case in a completely different light.

 They proceed with the other “disturbing” evidence of Hernandez at home playing with his kids and his “associates” right after Lloyd’s death. Because the video footage didn’t show a sad or scared Hernandez this means he murdered someone. After he was found guilty Hernandez later on hired Jose’ Baez. Someone who cared to prove the evidence they had as circumstantial. He even said in the courtroom the evidence wasn’t hard to find. He found video footage that suggested Hernandez wasn’t angry that night. Witness to testify what they saw that night. The previous witnesses…if you in the club, drinking, how the hell do you remember what Hernandez eyes look like? Were they killer eyes? Really? C’mon man. So when Baez said the evidence suggesting Hernandez wasn’t angry that night wasn’t heard to find…all they had to do was look at it. There was a lot of shadiness going on with this case. They had just mentioned earlier in the documentary that Bradley was shooting people up for no reason. A car shootout wouldn’t be up his ally? Again, the most they had on Hernandez is he had to have committed those murders because he smoked weed a lot and was in clubs. If smoking weed, drinking, bouncing around clubs, and getting in the bar fights makes you a murderer than damn, nearly 80% of American must be murderers.

 Just a side note: I do believe that Bobby Kraft and Urban Meyer could’ve done more to help Hernandez. Meyer knew that Hernandez had some trouble in CT if he noticed the change every time he visited home. Why of all teams would you write a letter of recommendation to NE? I get Oakland and others…but NE? No. Then once he got to NE when he came to Belichek (spelling?) and asked to be traded, instead of just…straight…no. He should’ve been asking some probing questions. He might’ve been better off in a whole ‘nother state away all the violence and criminal activities he was involved with before. I know Hernandez is a grown man, but on his assessment his maturity level was graded 1 on a scale of 1-10. I’m assuming that means he was child-like. I do believe he might’ve needed better guidance. NFL owners and coaches only care about you when you’re making them money. Never mind the players mental health.

 To conclude my review for the most part I agreed with every Baez said about the Hernandez case. The investigation was beyond sloppy and I expected a better and more thorough investigation from a big state like Massachusetts. I guess it was thorough, but they couldn’t find solid proof that Hernandez committed these murders. You can argue that he’s guilty by association and who knows he could’ve been the one running the whole operation. Truth is you can’t proof it. Like OJ Simpson. Now I will say this the documentary turned out to be watchable, but disappointing. Documentary steered in too many different directions in the narrative they were trying to run with. First it was his upbringing, watching his father abuse his mom and his toxic masculinity. Then it became some off based random document about his sexuality…which is completely irrelevant to the case. Being gay doesn’t not make you murder people. I understand blaming anger on him locking his sexuality in the closet and paranoid about someone finding out…but then they blamed his anger and sudden “violent” mood swings on CTE?! So…which was it? Then they claim the suicide was due to him trying to make his wife rich…then it became about CTE again. I really do feel that something very shady was happening with this case. By the court video footage when he was acquitted on the double homicide that was the most emotion, I’d seen him show in ALL the courtroom footage. He appeared happy to beat the charges and maybe hopeful that he would win his appeal for the Odin Lloyd case. Five days before the appeal that he likely would have won, he just ends his life? No security guards the whole night, nobody around to watch the floor. CTE caused that at age 27. Hmm. Documentary was sorta choppy, kinda sloppy for Netflix. I think the series should’ve been better organized. I love Netflix documentaries, but documentary was barely bearable. I expected so much more. Wouldnt recommend it.

[littlemisskookie]

Four Letters: Ch 3

Four Letters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Ship: FWB!Jungkook | IceQueen!Reader | Yoongi Description: College!AU. Enemies to Lovers. Your icy exterior makes it seem as though you dislike everyone- which is partially true. But the one person you truly dislike is the cocky frat boy Jeon Jungkook. Warnings: Multiple Orgasms, Forced Orgasms, Fingering, Squirting, Overstimulation, Dirty Talk, Intercourse, Creampie, Gagging, Light Bondage, Dom!Jungkook, Degrading Names, Light Cumplay, D/S Themes, Hair Pulling Word Count: 10,008

You groaned, hearing the buzzing beside your bedside, which didn't stop. Dear God- what time was it? You rolled over, looking at your phone, multiple notifications popping up. It was probably from the group chat Jimin impulsively made recently- which you absolutely despised. You had tried to leave about ten times in the last two weeks since you were added, but it was pointless, seeing as they kept adding you back in. And it was only 9 AM!

You buried your face into the pillow, clawing at it as you heard more buzzing. You unplugged the phone from the chord, opening the group chat to what Jimin labeled as SQUAD.

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:12 AM

Guys, my parents are visiting. What color should I dye my hair?

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:12 AM

Why do you need to dye your hair?

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:13 AM

Can you tell them to pay off my student loans while they're here? ;)

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:13 AM

Literally fuck off Jimin

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:13 AM

lololol

Idiot 1 (Hobi) 9:14 AM

you're lucky i wasn't asleep at 9 am otherwise you'd be DEAD

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:14 AM

Don't you have History class right now?

Idiot 1 (Hobi) 9:14 AM

which is why i'm up

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:14 AM

Are you in class?

Idiot 1 (Hobi) 9:15 AM

i just woke up

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:15 AM

hoseok ur class is starting now... it probs already began

Idiot 1 (Hobi) 9:15 AM

SHIT GTG

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:15 AM

Yikes.

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:16 AM

poor hobi :(

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:16 AM

his fault for being a fucking idiot lmao

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:17 AM

UM BACK TO ME

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:17 AM

Geez and i thought i was the attention whore of this friend group

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:17 AM

You guys make me want to die.

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:17 AM

i would think ur parents wouldn't want u to dye ur hair jk

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:18 AM

they wouldn't

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:18 AM

??? am i not connecting the dots???

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:18 AM

when do u ever lololol

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:19 AM

You should try blue. That's pretty edgy.

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:19 AM

What would YOU know about being edgy?

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:19 AM

STFU or I'm not helping you on your next exam.

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:20 AM

SORRY MISTRESS

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:20 AM

hey where's y/n anyway

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:21 AM

she's probably asleep

Y/N

Y/N

Y/NNNNNNN

You 9:21 AM

i'm gonna fucking bash ur brains in you insufferable twat

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:21 AM

found her!

sorry for waking you baby ;)

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9: 22 AM

we're trying to find out a new hair color for jk

You 9:22 AM

why the fuck would i give a shit

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:22 AM

just say ur fav color or something

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:22 AM

it's probably black like her soul

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:22 AM

What is she, an edgy 14-year-old girl?

You 9:23 AM

it's magenta

can everyone please fuck off now i'm trying to get some sleep

Incompetent Twit (Jungkook) 9:23 AM

Magenta is the last thing i would've guessed to be ur fav color

You 9:23 AM

what part of fuck off do you not understand

Idiot 2 (Lisa) 9:23 AM

JK i think u would look great with magenta hair! it's like pink and red

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:23 AM

i would hope he knows what magenta is

Smartass (Xiyeon) 9:24 AM

Y/N, I thought you had to help teach your niece how to drive today?

You 9:24 AM

oh yeah

Shortcake (Jimin) 9:24 AM

i would've never pictured you as the family kinda gal

You 9:24 AM

i still have aunty duties

anyways i'm gonna go bye losers

With that, you click off, letting out a breath of relief as you put it on do not disturb. You must've forgotten to last night. But unfortunately, you only had an hour or so to sleep before you had to get up again to pick up your niece.

-

Karin's hands are shaky on the wheel, her focus on the road. You had faith in her so far, though from what your eldest sister told you before, she had almost crashed into a pole her first time behind the wheel. Still, though her moves were a bit jerkish and she signaled far too early, you hadn't died yet, which was a plus in your book.

Unfortunately, you couldn't exactly be the frigid bitch your peers knew you to be, especially to your niece. But she was your favorite niece, and you were her favorite aunt, partially because you weren't that much older than her, as a result of being the youngest kid in your family. So you were still allowed to curse and give her life advice on sex and maturity and whatnot- and she'd promise not to tell her fretting mother.

The car comes to a sudden halt, resulting in you slamming into the dashboard and being snapped back into your seat by the seatbelt. You gawked, looking up as a car continued to go in from the left, bypassing the two of you. Karin's arms were shaking, and her eyes were wide with fright as they trailed after the car.

"Dude, what the fuck?!" you screeched.

"Sorry," Karin said, apologetically wincing to hear your scolding.

"No, not you-you're great, sweetheart. I mean that son of a bitch!" you said, pointing to the car as it sped off. "You totally had right of way. Does that guy not know the meaning of yielding to oncoming traffic? Who in their right mind gave him a liscense?"

"I'm sure it was an accident," Karin said, moving forward as she stepped on the pedal again, trying to get back to the speed limit.

"Don't become drivers like those," you said. "I'd never hear the end of it from your mom if she knew that I corrupted you into a bad driver."

"Despite the fact you corrupted me into other things?" Karin asked cheekily.

You rolled your eyes. "You simply asked questions and I answered. I wasn't going to be like your mom and try to convince you babies came from cranes when you were still in your double digits."

"Ugh- don't remind me," Karin says, rolling her eyes. "I have to pretend I don't even know what sex is when we watched a movie last night."

"I thought the two of you had already had the talk?" you questioned, waving your hand to the right as you signaled that she should do the same with her blinker.

"We did- but you know how she is. You're the one who actually explained what a vagina was and the meaning of consent," Karin said, pointing the blinker up with her left pinky.

"Well, she just doesn't want you to mature as fast as she did. Not that she regrets it, or that I think you will," you say.

Your sister had gotten pregnant by the age of 17 with her boyfriend. Just a year older than Karin herself. Luckily enough your parents hadn't kicked her out of the family, and the boyfriend stayed, but a lot of it hindered on her education. She had to go to a community college after Karin was old enough for daycare, and she ended up becoming a social worker. Which was fine, though your sister would admit she wondered what would've happened if things took a different course.

You remembered how puzzled you were that you were only 7 and already an aunt. The kids in your class said your sister was pure 'trailer trash' and that you were bound to follow her lead. You knew it was far worse for her, though, having to be judged for her round belly, listening to whispers about her in class, because apparently, every teen mom was a common slut. It was absolutely ridiculous, and to think they'd add more stress onto someone who was carrying a child. You knew even when you were young that it was despicable.

But your sister ended up giving birth fine anyway- a beautiful and healthy baby girl by the name of Karin. You remember how scared you were when you first held her, afraid you'd drop her. At the time you had a family cat, and you were worried that the instinct of just dropping the cat would kick in while you were holding the baby. Fortunately, that never came to be.

Once you were older, you were often babysitting the child while your sister was away- and your brother wanted nothing to do with having to babysit a kid. It was fine by you, as you thought of her as more of a younger sister than something as strange as a niece, and it was even comforting as you never had the chance to be the older sibling. Besides, being called aunt made you feel so old, from way back then to now. You cringed each time you heard it.

You were caught in your thoughts when your phone began to buzz. You look to Karin apologetically, but she simply assures you it's fine. "It's alright, you can answer it," she tells you.

You huff, slightly irritated that someone was interrupting your quality time with your niece, and to your surprise, the contact of "incompetent twit" is the first thing to pop up.

"Who is it?" Karin asks you, rolling to a stop at an intersection.

"An idiot," you huff, answering. Why the hell was Jungkook calling you? "What is it, nimrod? I told you I'd be teaching my niece how to drive."

"Y/N," he whines. "Can you pick me up at the salon?"

"Why? Can't you ask someone else?" you question.

"Jimin dropped me off but class started for him- and I know you don't have any classes today. Besides, I want you to be the first person to see it."

"Why would I care about your hair, Jeon?" you question.

Karin chuckles as she begins driving again, the light flashing green. "Are you usually this snippy with your boyfriends?"

"He's not my boyfriend. He's just an idiot," you sigh. "And trust me, he deserves my attitude."

"You know I love it, baby."

"Not in front of my niece, brat. She can hear you," you bite back. You really didn't want your sister's impressionable teen daughter to find out you were having rough, kinky sex with your mortal enemy.

"Alright, fine, fine. But c'mon, please? I'll pay for McDonald's."

Karin's eyes light up. "Did I hear McDonald's?"

You sigh, feeling defeated again. How could you deny her absolutely adorable smile? God, the boys were probably all over her at her high school- you wanted to bat them away with a stick. No one deserved precious little Karin- though if she knew you thought that she'd accuse you of being too similar to her mother.

"I'm still with my niece, Jungkook," you remind him.

"That's fine- just have her drive here. I'll pay for both of you."

"Ugh, fine," you huff.

"Thanks, babeeee," he cackles on the other line.

"Shut up," you bite back, hanging up on him. "You're gonna go straight for another few hundred yards and then make a left. We're already on our way there, luckily."

"You two seem cute," Karin grinned. "Like an OTP that constantly bicker with each other."

"I don't get your teen slang- it makes me feel old," you say, eyeing the speed limit she was going.

"Basically I think you two are cute. Does he have a girlfriend?" Karin questions, waggling her brows.

"He's what you kiddos call a fuckboy- so that's a no. And besides, I'd never date him in a million years. I thought I told you, you weren't getting a new uncle anytime soon?" you remind her.

"Ah, yes, your no dating rule after that ex of yours," she hums, executing her left turn shortly after signaling. "What happened between you two anyway? Mom said it really crushed you, but she keeps hush hush about it."

"Trust me, it's nothing," you lie. "It's just the usual. People... grow apart, I guess."

"Doesn't sound like that's the kind of dramatic breakup it seemed to be," Karin mused. "I remember because you ended up sleeping on our couch shortly after, y'know before you moved back into that sorority house."

"Don't remind me," you sigh, wondering to yourself how she remembered so much about the topic.

"So, what was it anyway?" Karin pried, nosy as ever.

"I'll tell you when you're a bit older. Not that I think you're not mature enough, but I think your mom would believe I'd ruin your chances at believing in men if I told you," you chuckled softly.

Karin gave you a sad glance. "You weren't cheated on, were you Aunt Y/N?"

"No- but honestly I think I would've taken that any day," you admit.

"Did he die?"

You laugh hard at that. "Sometimes I wish. But no- I'm not into that Romeo bullshit anyway. I don't know where he is now- he graduated a bit after the breakup since he was a few years older than me if you remember."

"Well, it's good that you don't have to see him again. I heard traumatizing stuff like that can trigger people. I remember one girl in my Chorus class had a panic attack when some guy sitting in front of her was playing a shooting game. It was pretty horrifying," Karin admitted. "The worst part was that the guy claimed she was just being too sensitive."

You pursed your lips, narrowing your eyes. "Now, don't tell your mom I'm condoning violence, and I don't know what she'd say- but let's just say if you punch an absolute asshole in the face, that I wouldn't be opposed."

Karin laughed. "Thanks for that. There better be a cake with my name on it."

"Here, pull in and try to park outside the salon. There you go, sharp left... now a right, now fix your wheel hard left, hard left, that's my girl!" you cheered. "Now park the car, and we'll go find my despicable douchebag so that he can pay for our food. I'm starving!"

She locks the car, swinging the door open as the two of you walk into the salon. Your eyes find themselves scanning the room for the familiar mop of dark hair, but to your surprise, the adorable bunny smile belongs to a man with magenta hair.

You gawk, eyes bugging out as Jungkook sweeps you up into his arms, planting a kiss on your lips. You shove him back, wiping your mouth. "Ew- not in front of my niece, creep," you say, used to him trying to kiss you whenever possible. He often said your lips were addicting, and it was rare enough he got to since most of the time the two of you were with your friends, who were still unaware of the fact the two of you were hooking up.

"I just didn't want your niece to think you were forever alone," Jungkook cackles, enjoying the annoyed look on your face. "So- what do you think?"

"Did you seriously dye your hair magenta just because it's my favorite color?" you deadpanned, quirking a brow as you crossed your arms.

"Maybe," Jungkook said, wiggling his brows. "Does it look good?"

"You never look good," you huff, lying through your teeth.

Jungkook ignores your comment, wrapping his arms around you in a back hug, placing his chin on your shoulder as he pouts to you. "C'mon- just admit you love it."

"Fine- you don't look ugly with pink hair. Happy?" you hiss, elbowing him in the rib to pry him off. You hated PDA.

"Very," Jungkook smirked, letting go of you. He turned to Karin, holding out his hand. "You must be Y/N's niece. You must've gotten the good genes from the family- in comparison to Y/N, of course."

You elbowed him in the rib again as the two snickered. Karin laughs, shaking his hand. "Yeah, I'm Karin. She's helping me learn how to drive."

"So I've heard," Jungkook smiles. "Tell me, Karin, do you like my hair?"

"You kind of look like a strawberry," Karin admitted.

Now it was your turn to snicker, and the three of you exit the salon to go to the car. Jungkook opens the car door for Karin, specifically picking the backseat. For a second you thought it'd be so that he'd have an excuse to sit in the front with you, but to your surprise he sits in the back with her, sticking you to act as their chauffeur. Scumbag.

You drive the three of you to McDonald's, and you saunter in, grinning widely to Jungkook. Without hesitance, he steps forward to the cash register, no line in sight, taking his order. For you, he picks a Big Mac with no cheese, fries, and a chocolate shake. He then turns to Karin and questions what she'd order.

It isn't until you get your food and sit down that you question him about it. You sit next to Karin and Jungkook sits in front of the two of you. "How'd you remember my order, anyway?"

"Despite what you think, I'm not nearly as big of an idiot as you think I am," Jungkook laughs. "Besides, you order the same thing every time."

"I'm just trying to get fat, thank you very much," you bite, taking a lot sip of your drink.

"So, how long have you two been friends?" Karin questions.

"We're not friends," you're quick to clarify, glowering at Jungkook as he wagged his brows at you.

"Fine- how long have you guys been hanging out then?" Karin restates, quirking a brow.

"Officially? A few years. Unofficially, about a month," Jungkook states. He quirks a brow to you, raising it precariously high you're afraid it'll blend into his hairline. "Actually- it's probably been over a month by now, hasn't it?"

"Don't ask me, I'm not sentimental like you, Jeon. Why would I care enough to remember the date?" you shrug. Yeah, it probably was a month since you and Jungkook started hooking up. And you did admittedly know the exact date- but you weren't foolish enough to insinuate to Jungkook of all people that you actually cared about anything. Caring just leads to hurting anyway, no matter what it's for.

Jungkook gives a sigh to Karin, shaking his head. "See what I have to put up with? Bet your family doesn't have it half as bad as I do."

"She's known as the cool one in our family- at least to me anyways. Mainly because she's got about half a dozen piercings in each ear," Karin replies.

Your hand brushes along them at the mention of that. "I'm really not. Jungkook's got a lot more than me, anyway. He used to have one in his eyebrow but he got it removed. And he's got more tattoos than I do."

"The eyebrow piercing was a mistake- I'm never piercing my face again," Jungkook grimaced. "And I thought you had more than me?"

"No, I've got only three, and you've got four," you remind him.

"Oh yeah- let's see, you have the lotus flower on your upper back, right beneath your neck, right? And you've got some sort of hummingbird behind your ear- I know that one because Lisa showed everyone when she went with you to the tattoo parlor. And... the third..." Jungkook trailed off, trying to wrack his memory.

"The third is the panda above the back of my elbow," you chastise. "I can't believe you couldn't get that one right, it's my favorite!"

"Well, you should try listing off all of my tattoos," Jungkook said. "I bet you can't."

"Easy. Bumblebee behind your ear- I remember because I yelled at you since you were trying to copy me, especially since it was the day after I got mine and you were trying to get back at me for messing up one of your hookups. There's the Hello Kitty on your ankle from when you lost that bet to Hoseok, and there's the geometric outline of a wolf on your bicep," you said, grinning smugly.

"And the fourth?" Jungkook questioned, raising his brows expectantly.

Your jaw opened and dropped. "I... um... It's-"

"Aha! You don't remember! For shame, Y/N," Jungkook teases, making your niece burst out with laughter.

"I listed three- you only listed two," you shoot back.

"It's the ladybug on my wrist," Jungkook laughs, prideful that he duped you.

"What made you decide to get a ladybug?" Karin questioned, looking down at the little red bug on his wrist.

"I like ladybugs," Jungkook shrugs. "The bumblebee was mainly because it was the mascot for the team I used to play on."

"Ladybugs are cute," Karin admitted. "Y'know- I think my mom would love to have you as a brother-in-law."

Jungkook looked up at you with wide eyes and a pleased grin, dimples showing as his eyes twinkled with absolute delight- and you knew you'd never hear the end of it. You glared at Karin, her own sly smirk on her face that she tried to conceal when she ate. Jungkook quickly went to the restroom, and you wrestled Karin into your arms, rubbing your knuckles against the top of her head playfully as you ruffled her hair. "What was that about, munchkin? You want that brat to become your uncle?"

"He's cute! And you two are adorable, I'd love to have him as an uncle," Karin laughed, trying to free herself from your grip. "Besides, I think everyone wants you to get back out there, especially since it's been years after that big bad breakup. Remember how disappointed mom was when you turned down that blind date?"

"I don't see why everyone has to meddle with my love life," you huff, freeing the wiggling brat from your grip.

"Kinda hard to request that when you don't have one," Karin pointed out.

You only rolled your eyes at that but wondered how much your family truly worried about you. Unlike Jungkook's well known conservative family, yours was fairly left wing. Despite that, however, there were still pressures for you to find someone. Perhaps a big part of that was from how cold and distant you had become after being left so traumatized. However, you definitely didn't want to disappoint your family, and let them give up all hope on you.

But your thoughts were interrupted when Jungkook slid back into the booth, making a witty remark that had Karin choking on her drink.

-

"I thought the thing with your teacher was a lost cause," Lisa said, pressing her chin against the arms that already rested on the table.

The six of you were in the library during a group study session. Xiyeon had her nose buried in a textbook, as usual, and you yourself were typing up an essay that was due tonight. Jimin was hastily making flashcards with Jungkook, as the class they were in had an upcoming test. Lisa was supposed to be looking up answers on Quizlet to an assignment that was due very soon. Hoseok tagged along, partially so that he wouldn't be excluded, and partially because he had news to share.

"She said if I could do extra credit, she'd notify me," Hoseok clarified.

"I thought all people were sarcastic when they directed you, Hobi," you murmured, fingers flying across the screen.

"The point is," Hoseok said, shooting a glare your way. "She said if I can write a twenty-page essay on the topic we're studying in class, she'll boost my grade up. The thing is, it's due tomorrow."

"How're you going to get all of that done in time?" Jungkook questioned, furrowing his brows.

As though on cue, all of you turned your heads to the girl whose nose was buried in a textbook, too engrossed in the fine print on the pages to pay attention to the conversation. As though she could sense all eyes were on her, she slowly raised her head up, a confused gaze befalling all of yours. "Uh-oh. What is it you want me to do now?"

"Can you pretty please help me write a twenty-page essay by tomorrow?" Hoseok pleaded, throwing his hands up and clasping them together in a begging motion.

"Is it for that teacher you screwed up with? She expects her essays to be impeccable- it'll be impossible!" Xiyeon gawked. "You know she expects only .5 spacing and the font size to be 6, right? It's pointless."

"Xiyeon, I'll literally owe you for the rest of my life," Hoseok said, eyes big and puppy like. "Please."

Xiyeon pursed her lips, as though unsure of what to do. Surprisingly, she turned to you. "Y/N, you're the biggest, most honest hardass I know. Should I do it?"

"Wow, I'm flattered," you say, rolling your eyes.

"Y/N- c'mon!" Hoseok said, raising his voice slightly in the quiet library.

You sighed, looking at his shaking fists and pouting lips. "He seems pretty desperate..." you muttered, throwing him a bone, letting it be known that observation alone would be the only leverage you'd offer.

Xiyeon sighed to herself, rubbing her temples. The rest of you looked at her expectantly, anticipating her answer. Finally, she let out an irritated, reluctant, "Fine."

"YES!" Hoseok hollered, jumping to his feet, causing a librarian to scurry over to your table to give him a quick scolding and threaten to kick all six of you out- perhaps even ban you for life from the solace behind the many shelves of books. You never heard someone project so well with a whisper, but be damned, this middle-aged woman did it.

It was when the six of you exited the library after you were done that Hoseok kissed both you and Xiyeon on the cheek. You wiped the pretend slobber off your cheek to swipe at the back of his head, but ultimately you knew he'd owe you as well for being able to subtly convince Xiyeon of anything.

-

"Y/N!" Jungkook shouted, entering your room.

"Woah, what the hell, how'd you get into the house?" you asked, frightened half to death as he barged in. "Have you never heard of knocking?"

"Lisa let me in after I called her- told her I needed to annoy you," Jungkook grinned.

"Oh my God, that son of a bitch," you hissed. "What the hell do you want, Jeon?"

"Our results came in," Jungkook exclaimed, reaching back into his back pocket to pull out a folded piece of paper. "I didn't check yours- don't worry. But I'm clean!"

It then clicked. A few days ago the two of you weren't able to hook up because apparently, he ran out of condoms. You didn't purchase any because before Jungkook you weren't exactly getting laid regularly, so it was evening when the two of you were shopping in a grocery store, and you were reaching into your purse and getting one of the water bottles from off the shelf. You screwed the lid off and popped the pill in.

"What's that?" Jungkook questioned, looking curiously to it.

"My birth control. We've been having sex regularly, you should expect me to have something to make sure I don't get pregnant, Jungkook," you say, furrowing your brows.

"Woah- wait, you've been on birth control this whole time?" Jungkook gawked.

"What, yeah? I've been on it since I was of legal age, what's the big deal?" you question.

"W-What's the big deal? You've got to be shitting me, woman!" Jungkook says, flabberghasted by your question.

"I can assure you I'm not," you assure him, holding up the Trojan. "These things can break, dumbass." You really didn't know why guys made such a big deal about condoms. Seriously, how much better could it even feel? The only thing that's different is a layer of rubber.

"Why don't we not use the condoms then?" Jungkook questioned.

"With your diseased ass? You've probably slept with half of the school campus- no way," you huff, knowing there was no way in hell you were going to let Jungkook give you the same thing Jimin had- or what half of the population on campus had.

"I'm clean. I always use a condom, and you're my most consistent hookup, why can't we?" Jungkook questions.

"I'll believe it when you get tested," you grumble, tossing the water bottle and Trojan packet onto the conveyor belt, watching it casually roll to the bored cashier.

"Fine- after this let's get tested. You and me," Jungkook said, no tone of sarcasm in his voice.

You look to him, quirking a brow as you hand the cashier your money. "Wait, what? You seriously want to get tested with me?"

"Sure- c'mon, Y/N, I'm begging for this," Jungkook pleaded. His lower lip puckers out in a pout, and he gives you the puppy eyes that no girl is able to resist.

"Can the two of you have this conversation elsewhere?" the cashier suggests, her eyes narrowed as she grimaced at the two of you. "Sex before marriage is a sin, anyway."

"Shh, I'm trying to convince a girl to let me cum inside of her," Jungkook says, taking the bag. He turns to you, "C'mon, can we go?"

"Fine, whatever," you say, rolling your eyes. You turn to the cashier. "And don't try to imply someone's going to hell- especially to customers. Gives you bad reviews, no?"

Your mind snaps back to the present. "Oh, yeah, that. Give me my results, I should see!"

Jungkook hands you the folded piece of paper, and you eagerly unfold it, checking to see if you were positive for anything. You let a smile grace your features to find everything negative. "I'm clean," you announced.

"High five!" Jungkook said, raising your elbow up to have you slap your hand against his. "Now I can fill you up like a sponge!"

"That is the least sexy thing I've ever heard in my life," you say, cringing at his words.

"I've got plenty of lines to make up for it," Jungkook cackled. "Besides, the look on your face was worth it."

"Oh my God, I regret sleeping with you," you huff, falling back onto your bed.

"Sure you do," Jungkook chuckles, crawling onto the bed with you.

You press your hand against his chest. "Not here. Anyone could hear and find out what we're up to. Maybe a later time, when we aren't in my sorority house, ok?"

"Yeah, that's fine," Jungkook says, falling beside you.

You look to him, noticing how he plays with his hair. You wonder if he regrets dying it. Truthfully, it grew on you.

As though sensing your thoughts, he looks to you. "My parents are gonna be visiting soon- they rain checked last time. If you're wondering."

Ok, so he didn't get what you were thinking at all. "Makes sense. Your parents are... busy."

His mouth goes small at that. "Yeah, they are."

"Well, for the record, the pink hair grew on me," you offered, a sinking feeling in your chest as you saw the lost puppy look in his eyes. "It... suits you, I guess. It looks nice in comparison to how buff you are."

Jungkook grins at that. "You really like it?"

"Sure," you say, wondering to yourself if you really should've let him know that.

-

"Y/N, I've got another track for you to listen to," Yoongi called, entering the studio.

"Oh, great! Namjoon, do you think you can't break something for about five minutes?" you say, turning to him. Truthfully, he had gotten better when it came to controlling his flailing limbs.

"Yeah, sure," he says, unfazed as he picks up the headphones to the side and puts them on. You take off your own, getting up from your chair to go to Yoongi.

"Oh, by the way, I know you don't exactly go to parties and all that, but there's one being thrown at Lambda or whatever tonight. A lot of your fraternity brothers are going, and I was just wondering if you'd be coming," you say casually, hooking the bulky headphones around your neck.

"Would you want me to go?" Yoongi questions, his question hesitant as he raises his brows.

You try to brace a warm smile. "I mean, yeah. I never see you at parties, I think it'd be cool. We could actually hang out outside the studio, I guess."

"Yeah... I'd like that," Yoongi says.

"So are you going?" you question, looking up to him.

Yoongi opens his mouth, but his face falls. "Can't. I have to help my friend with his podcast tonight since his partner is sick. I promise to go to the next one for you, though."

You find yourself smiling slightly, not missing how he specifically mentioned you. "That's fine- but remember, you promised."

"A promise is a promise," Yoongi chuckled, letting you place the headphones over your ears.

-

You're currently squinting your eyes, aiming your best in your hazy state to attempt to land the ping pong in the cup. You had no clue where everyone was. Hoseok and Lisa were probably already tearing each other's clothes off, and Jungkook and Jimin were probably acting as wingman for one or the other. Xiyeon, who had been dragged along, was probably just drinking and keeping along the wall, waiting for Jimin to call one of his usual games.

Or so you thought, because soon enough the familiar smell of alcohol from someone's hot breath fanned over you, and someone's small body was slamming into yours right as you throw your ball, making you miss your aim entirely.

"Dude, what the fuck?!" you say, turning towards the person in question.

Xiyeon must be drunk out of her mind. Her hair was a mess and mascara streaked down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and her cup was still partially filled, though most of it probably splashed onto the floor. "Y/N, I need to talk to you."

"What? Dude, what happened-" Xiyeon doesn't let you finish, instead grabbing onto your wrist and dragging you along. She kicks open a bathroom door, where a couple was making out. She's bawling as she screams at them, "Get out!" This makes them scurry out, and she shoves you inside, locking the door behind her.

"Woah, are you going to murder or rape me or something?" you question, bug-eyed. Xiyeon had just pushed you into a dirty frat bathroom, going as far as to kick out the previous couple that was in here. You were beginning to fear she brought you here to bathe in your blood.

"No- Y/N, I did a horrible, horrible thing and you're the only person I can talk to," Xiyeon weeps, burying her face in her hands.

"Why can't you tell the others? Do you want me to get them-"

"No! You can't! Please, Y/N, swear to me you won't tell a soul," Xiyeon pleaded, grabbing onto your hands in desperation.

"I- Xiyeon, did you kill someone?" you ask, more afraid for her than ever.

"No! Just please, swear on the grave of your dead love life that you won't tell anyone," Xiyeon begs, sniffling.

"Wow, that hurt," you mutter. She squeezes your hand tighter, making you yelp in pain. "Ow! Ok, ok, I swear! I won't tell a soul. I swear on my dead love life or whatever- now tell me what's going on, you're scaring me to death."

Xiyeon sucks in a deep breath, shaky. "I slept with Hoseok."

"You what?!"

"It was an accident!" Xiyeon said, more tears spilling out as she admitted it.

"How? Did you slip and just land on a penis? Xiyeon, oh my God!" you exclaim, clasping your hands over your mouth.

"I didn't mean to, I swear," Xiyeon sobbed, a lump in her throat. "Do you remember how I had to help Hoseok write that essay?"

"Xiyeon, that was like two weeks ago," you deadpan.

"I know, I know, it's been eating me up on the inside. But I helped him- but oh my God, Y/N, he is so fucking stupid. I thought I was getting dumber with each word he said I didn't get it! I had to take a drink or two and finally, we finished it, and we celebrated with shots. One shot became two, and two shots became three, and the next thing I know I'm in bed naked with Jung Hoseok, a used condom on my chest and a soreness between my legs. I didn't even have any recollection of what happened."

"Jesus Christ," you say, running your hands through your hair. "Does Lisa know?"

"Hoseok said he'd be the one to tell her, but he hasn't yet. He keeps saying he will but he's stalling and-" Xiyeon choked up, lips trembling.

"Lisa's going to be crushed. She's practically in love with Hoseok," you whisper to yourself, thoughts spinning around your head.

"I know, I know. God, I feel so horrible. I feel like the worst person in the world," Xiyeon said, chest heaving as her body wracked with sobs.

"Hey, you're not. Ok? You made a mistake, we all do. Hoseok made the mistake, too," you tell her.

"I don't think he's going to tell her," Xiyeon mumbled. "He's such a coward."

"Ultimately he should be the one to tell her. But she should know- if I were her I'd want to know," you tell Xiyeon.

"You promised you wouldn't tell!" Xiyeon said.

"I won't- it's not my place to," you say, assuring her as she let out a breath of relief. "But maybe you should, Xiyeon. It was your mistake as well as his. If Hoseok won't tell, you'll have to."

"I don't think I can bring myself to do it," Xiyeon admits. "I came close several times but each time I felt like I was going to throw up."

"Well, you're drunk right now and verbally spilling your guts, so we need to get you sober so that you don't blab to her in the worst possible way," you huff. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

You open the door, where a guy who was tightly holding onto his crotch ran in. "Thank God! I needed to pee!"

"Sorry, we were hooking up. Have a nice one," you mumble, pulling Xiyeon along with you.

You eventually make your way to the kitchen, and you open the refrigerator to get a water bottle. You see Hoseok stride in, and one look at Xiyeon had him gawking. "Woah, what happened to her?" he questioned.

You glared at him, thrusting the water bottle into his chest. "You know exactly what happened to her."

Hoseok's eyes bugged out of his eyes, and he opened his mouth to speak. You interrupted before he could even get a sound out. "Yeah, I know. And you're a real fucking idiot, Hoseok. You better tell Lisa soon."

"I will, I just-"

"You're just a coward," you hissed. "I'll tell you what's going to happen. Xiyeon is drunk out of her mind, and if she gets around any of the others she'll probably tell everyone. You can text the others in the group chat to tell them you're driving her home. Got it?"

Hoseok gulped. "Yeah... got it."

"And Hoseok- I won't tell Lisa what happened, but I swear to God if you don't do it eventually, I'll make you regret it," you threatened, letting him grasp the water bottle you were still pressing into his chest. "You hurt her- and that's inexcusable. You might not be dating, but you had a deal. And I don't know if you're aware of what the rest of us know- but to put it lightly, it makes everything ten times worse. So congratulations- you're the dick of the week."

"I'm... I'm sorry," Hoseok said, shaky underneath your heated glare.

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to right now, am I?" you snap. "Where's Lisa anyway?"

"She's dancing. I came here to get a drink," Hoseok clarified.

"That girl is better than anything else you'll ever get, Hobi," you say, letting your eyes soften as you address him as a friend. "And I'd be very disappointed if you- or all of us- lost her because of your dumb actions."

With that, you spin away on your heel, huffing to yourself at the mess that had just transpired.

God, Lisa was going to be so heartbroken. Here she was, keeping up the charade of 'just friends' with the guy she was in love with, staying loyal to him, hoping he'd eventually see her as more, and he betrayed her trust. He broke the deal.

You swore to yourself you wouldn't end up like her.

"Hey, what's up? You look pretty shaken," a familiar voice says, draping an arm over your shoulder. You were too exasperated to knock it off and only look to Jungkook.

"Woah- that tie is stupid," you blurt, eyes darting down to the tie loosely hanging around his neck.

"Yeah, uh, some drunk girl gave it to me. She was wearing the outfit and kinda just gave it to me," Jungkook shrugged. "Drunk girls are weirder than drunk guys. The entire time she was telling me that I'm 'too beautiful for this world' and 'he isn't worth it sweetheart'."

"Drunk girls are like that. Drunk guys just want to fight," you say, running a hand through your hair as you let out an exasperated sigh.

"So what's up? You seem frustrated," he notes.

"Nothing, just need to let off some steam," you sigh, lying through your suggestion.

"I have a suggestion, but I have a feeling you don't need me to explain," Jungkook laughs.

"Let's go," you say, pointing up to where a lot of the bedrooms were, on the second level.

A surprised look slowly turned into a pleased grin, and Jungkook's eyes lit up with excitement. He takes your hand, and before long he's kicking the door to the bedroom back and locking the door, climbing above you.

His tongue dives into your mouth as he pins your arms against the bed. You moan into the kiss as he pulls away, pulling your top off, sliding it across your body before discarding it to the ground. "Y'know, I think this is the first time we've had sex on an actual bed," Jungkook chuckles.

You furrow your brows. "Wait- really?"

"Really," Jungkook laughs. "We just do it wherever's convenient."

"It's not just my fault we fuck like rabbits. It takes two to tango," you remind him, arching your back to unhook your bra, letting him pull the straps off your arms as he dives between your breasts, sending kisses between the valley of your breasts. His lips catch onto a nipple as he begins to unbutton your jeans, and it's only when you shimmy out of them that you look to him. "No fair- you need to undress, too," you say, motioning to his shirt.

He swipes your hand away, pulling back, grinning. "It's more fun like this, babygirl. I love seeing you so vulnerable for me."

Your cheeks flare, and you look to him in annoyance. You sit up to reach again for the hem of his shirt, and he grabs onto your wrists, forcing you to slam back against the mattress. You squirm beneath his tight grip, his jaw clenched as he glares at you angrily.

"You're not going to touch me, cockslut, understand?" Jungkook says, brows furrowed.

You nod meekly.

He lets go of your wrists, trusting you to keep them against the mattress. You're feeling too mischevious, however, and try once again to get his shirt off. He clasps both of your hands in his grip, tsking. "Someone wants to be a brat, huh?" he says, pulling the tie off of his neck. "Guess I'll have to make good use of this."

He ties your wrists together, and you wonder to yourself what girl would own such a god awful tie. Seriously- it was ugly. But it did the job, tying tightly enough to your wrists without cutting off any blood circulation.

Jungkook kept your bound hands above your head, pinning them there as his other hand traveled into your panties, diving into the wetness pooling beneath. You squirmed under his touch, gasping as he immediately spilled two fingers in, curling into your sweet spot. Jungkook smirked. "Someone's getting wet from just thinking of her punishment, hm? My fingers are soaked, cockslut."

"Jungkook," you gasp out, arching your back as he curls his fingers again. "Touch me."

"I am touching you, babygirl," Jungkook teases, enjoying seeing you squirm on his fingers. Still, he knew how greedy you were- you yearned for more. Infinitely more. And Jungkook never failed to deliver.

"Jungkook- fucking hell," you hissed through gritted teeth, getting agitated.

"Mm, such a greedy cockslut," Jungkook hummed, removing his fingers to pull your panties off your legs, placing them to the side. He removes his grip on your hands. "Why was I stuck with such a selfish brat?"

"Fuck y-" Your words are cut off when he pulls you to your side, hooking one of your legs above his shoulder, the knee over the broad area. You had to use your bound arms to support yourself, your other leg providing little balance as you were forced to spread your legs wide. Jungkook gripped the leg hitched over him tightly, grinning over you. You glared at him. "Jeon, what are you-"

Your words are interrupted when he thrusts his fingers inside of you again, reaching deeper than before, two fingers going curling into your g-spot as he rubs your clit with his tongue. Your eyes roll back and your body wracks, feeling his fingers go impossibly deep, tapping against your sweet spot in a way that had you shivering.

"Oh? What was that?" Jungkook cockily questions, delivering a harsh thrust with his fingers. "Were you going to say something?"

"F-F-Fuck," you stammer out, unable to do much more than take the abuse against your g-spot as he rammed his fingers into you perfectly. Damn him for learning your body so well already.  

"Mm, such a dirty mouth for a cockslut," Jungkook hums, thumb digging against your clit as he rubs it, enjoying the feeling of you clamping down on his fingers as you hissed. "I should wash that filthy mouth of yours with my fat cock, shouldn't I?"

"G-God, don't stop, please Jungkook," you whine, biting on your lower lip as you let out pathetic whines.

"You didn't answer my question, babygirl," Jungkook hummed, ceasing his moments just as you were beginning to reach your high.

"No! Jungkook, fucking- what the hell?" you hiss, turning back to him.

"Watch your tone, babygirl," he warned. "Or I'll be tempted to leave you here high and dry."

Your eyes widened at that. "No! Fuck, Jungkook, I'll let you do whatever you want to me. Just please, please let me cum! I'll blow you and let you cum down my slutty throat, fuck please let me! I want to gag on your big dick."

"Mm, tempting," he says, amused and satisfied with your begging as he continues his movements, having you shudder under his ministrations as he works faster to push you to your high. "But I plan to cum inside of you this time, cockslut. Fill you up with my load, nice and deep. I want you to feel me spill inside you, and you're gonna keep my cum in that slutty little pussy of yours all night. So if any other guy comes up to you and tries to get a feel, I want you to spread your legs and let him feel who's already inside you, so that they know you're already someone else's little cockslut."

His voice is raspy and deep, reveling in each moan you give as he swipes over your clit.

"Don't be so loud, babygirl. You don't everyone to know what a slut you are, do you? To know you're my pretty little cockslut, huh?" Jungkook questions, a smile in his voice as you screw your eyes shut, feeling your high nearing. "Open your mouth," he commands, and you're surprised with the faint taste of your own juices and the cotton of your panties as he shoves it into your mouth. You're gagged by it, and you know why because finally, he's using both hands, your leg pressing against his back to anchor him to you. He uses three fingers to stretch into you, feeling your walls spasming around the digits as his other hand rubs into you, thumb twirling the throbbing nub with fervor. A strange sensation that you're not familiar with washes over you right as you're about to climax.

Your eyes shoot open as you look down to your quivering legs, a muffled scream as you see liquids shoot out from your pussy, and soon enough you're drenching the sheets in your cum as you squirt everywhere.

Jungkook hisses in delight, continuing his ministrations, making you crumble beneath him. "Fuck, babygirl, give me that cum. Fucking drench yourself like a proper cockslut."

You convulse under him, feeling your energy drain as he milks you for all you're worth. It isn't until he's pushing your leg off his shoulder that you come down from your high, panting. Jungkook's hands are running over your thighs, bringing you back to reality.

"Shit, baby, that was the hottest thing I've ever seen," Jungkook grinned, eyes draping over your heaving form as he pulls the panties out of your mouth. His hand cups over your sex, making you shudder from the overstimulation as he continues to pet you. You don't complain, however, knowing how much he loved to see you grimace at overstimulation.

"I don't think I've ever squirted before," you admitted, voice breathy. His fingers travel through your folds, teasing the sensitive clit."Holy shit."

"I think you ruined the bed. Look at the mess you made," Jungkook said, enjoying the look on your face as you blushed from embarrassment. His hand was probably drenched now from being buried between your soaked thighs.

"Oh God, I should clean this up," you say, wrists twisting in their confinements as you try to sit up. Jungkook pushes you back down to the mattress, however, resulting in your body bouncing from the springs.

"No no no. We aren't done just yet," Jungkook says, eyes blown out like a cat's in the dark. "Y'know what I plan to do to you, babygirl?"

"What?" you question softly, squirming as you feel arousal flood back down, despite the fact you already orgasmed.

Jungkook shoves your knees apart, revealing your glistening heat to him, droplets of your orgasm still on your sweaty skin. "I plan to fuck you in your own cum," Jungkook growls, licking his lips at the sight, noticing how you automatically bucked your hips at the thought. "You'd like to get fucked in your own mess, wouldn't you cockslut?"

You nodded meekly, knowing you absolutely needed to get wrecked by him now. You desired the feeling of having him inside you. "Please, Jungkook. Fuck me. I want to feel you cum inside me," you say, wanting to touch him so badly. But because of your restraints, it would be difficult, and you knew if you attempted to get up under his grip he'd simply slap you back down to the ground.

Jungkook reaches over, hands pulling at your hair as he forces your gaze to lock with his. God, how both of you loved having your hair pulled. "That's right? You're gonna be my bitch and take it, right? Let me fill up your cunt, right?"

"Please, cum inside me, Jeon," you say, bucking your hips up once again. "I want you to cum inside me, nice and deep. Fucking fill me up like your bitch."

That seems to do it for him because soon enough he's unzipping his pants and pooling them around his knees along with his boxers, letting his erection spring free. "Fuck- you fucking asked for it," he says, stroking himself eagerly. He reaches under your thighs, forcing your ass up as you press against your upper back, legs in the air as he scoots forward, aligning himself with your entrance.

He places your feet on his shoulders, pushing over you as he forces you to bend more, and you groan at the feeling of him entering you.

"Goddamn, no matter how hard I fuck you, you're so tight," he hisses, pushing into you. "God, you feel so much better without a condom. I could be inside of you for the rest of my life, shit babygirl." You find the burn of the initial stretch so addicting, and you know he's right. No matter how hard or how many times he fucks your cunt, you still can't get used to the feeling of him entering you.

He towers over you, squatting over you as he begins to pound into you, letting out grunts as the hollow sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the room. You're moaning so loudly again as he hits you impossibly deep, his hands on either side of your head as he thrusts roughly into you. He has no choice but to get the panties back, stuffing them roughly into your mouth. The cotton helps to absorb your screams, but muffled moans still come out, low groans emitting from your throat.

Jungkook's hand is gripped on your chin, forcing you to stare up at him as he pounds into you. His golden skin glistens with sweat, his bangs clinging to his forehead as he plows into your wrecked form. You feel tears slip down the corners of your eyes and onto the bed, the pleasure overtaking you as you feel his cock go impossibly deep inside of you. Your feet dangle beside his head, and your ass hurts from how hard his hips slap against it, the hard defined bone of his hips slapping against the flesh of your ass instead of his muscular thighs.

Jungkook forces your head to the side, pressing your face to the mattress, your cheek squished beneath the palm of his hand as he licks away the salty tear.

"Are you gonna cum again?" he questions, rasping into your ear.  "Are you gonna whine and beg for another orgasm like the greedy cockslut you are?"

You're unable to do anything but whine a muffled answer through the panties gagging you.

His hand travels between your bodies, the other hand still pressed against your face now gripping your hair, forcing you to look at his hand rubbing you as he pressed harder against you. "Fucking watch yourself cum on my cock. Cum for me, dirty girl."

The sensations are too much. His calloused hand, veiny and big, rubbing against you with such intensity it had you rolling your eyes to the back of your head. The hand tightly gripping your hair, forcing you to stare at the cock that repeatedly plunged into you, bottoming into you. The way his balls would slap against your ass with each thrust, and the lewd sounds of your wetness filling the room. That accompanied with the sounds of the mattress squeaking behind you and the headboard repeatedly slamming against the wall- it was overwhelming.

You came again, letting out a low groan as you tilted your head back against Jungkook's grip, legs shaking as he forced you to cum again. He continued pumping himself into you, letting go of your hair to wrap both arms around your legs, entering you ass deeply as he could.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, you feel so good babygirl," Jungkook hissed, letting his thrusts get sloppy. "I'm gonna cum. Shit, I'll fill up this slutty pussy so good."

You're sobbing, feeling him roughly hammer into you until his cock twitches inside of you, and he buries himself at the hilt, trying to get the head of his dick as deep into your womb as possible. You feel the white ropes of cum paint your walls as he spills his seed into you, and you let out a muffled gasp at the feeling. Jungkook grinds his hips, as though feeling how his dick felt against the cum coated walls, the head still buried deep into your womb.

"Fuck, oh my God," he groans, heaving as he slips your legs off of him, his dick softening inside of you. "Holy shit."

He looks up at you, your wrecked form, still completely naked and vulnerable beneath his gaze, hands tightly bound and legs far apart. He pulls the panties out of your mouth once again, but before he lets you gasp a single word he puts his fingers into your mouth, and you instinctively wrap your tongue around it, twirling it around the digits until he pulls them out and puts them back on your heat.

You crumble, flinching at the feeling. "Jungkook, I-"

"Shh, babygirl. One more for me, ok? You look so hot when you cum. I want to see my pretty little cockslut cum again," Jungkook pleaded.

You didn't protest, letting your hips raise as he rubs you intensely, letting one last orgasm wash over you as he rubs against you. The orgasm isn't nearly as powerful as the first one- hell, especially the first, but you enjoy the feeling nonetheless.

Jungkook stops toying with your overly abused clit but scoops up some of the cum that had pushed out of your quivering entrance. It trickled down to the bedsheets, and he pushes it back into you, not letting a drop go to waste.

"You like being filled with my cum, baby?" Jungkook questions, a mischevious smirk plastered over his face as he makes sure all of it remains inside of you.

"Feels great," you laugh. "I feel so full."

Jungkook laughs at that, pulling his pants up along with his boxers to tidy up. It was harder for you, especially when you saw Jungkook give you a cheeky wink as he stuffed your panties into his back pocket, and you knew he wasn't going to give them back to you tonight. Besides that, you were completely naked, and he remained for the most part fully clothed. Though there was something oddly hot about the fact.

"I'm gonna get going, if people see us leave the bedroom together both looking fucked out, it won't look very non-suspicious," Jungkook said.

"That's fine, I need to tend to my wounds anyway," you huff, waving him away. You were definitely going to have bruises by morning. He quickly leaves, and you hear him greet someone outside.

"Hey, Jungkook! Man, you got lucky tonight. Who was the girl?"

"Just some chick- don't worry about it," Jungkook laughed back. "I think I'll head home, I'm done for the night."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. You sticking around?"

"Probably not. Hoseok had to drive Xiyeon home, and y'know Lisa, she isn't really in the mood to go to a party if she doesn't plan on dancing with anyone who she'll actually sleep with."

"Yeah, yeah, I get you."

"Have you seen Y/N, though? I can't seem to find her anywhere."

"Maybe she's finally getting laid," Jungkook laid. "Anyways, I'll see you later. G'night."

"Night."

You hear the sound of footsteps leaving right as you finally slip your shirt back on, and you squeeze your thighs together, regrettably having to go camo with Jungkook's cum inside of you. You sigh, making your way to the door, figuring you can fix your fucked out look once you find a bathroom.

You walk right into Jimin, who gives you a shocked expression.

You're frozen, tense as he gives you a quick once over, analyzing your look as he processes the information. Your hand has a vice-like grip on the doorknob, and you feel like you're about to yank it off, prying it from the wooden door.

A slow grin stretches across Jimin's face as he looks to you, shifting his weight to one foot, his toothy smile cocky and smug as he folds his arms. "Just some chick, eh?"

[forthebetterevil]

the fattest personal ramble i’ll ever post on this hellsite coz i need to get it out of my system

about heart flutters and confusion from an asexual who has yet to figure out (or is very close to figuring out through this ramble?) her romantic orientation

okay so let me get this out of the way: i’m asexual. specifically autochorrisexual. shipping brings me joy and those nasty (but not TOO nasty...) E-rated fics are what i’m down for, but i balk at the thought of my own self being involved in any sex-related activity. i have never wanted to engage in sexual acts with anyone in my life, and i swear i have TRIED to think about it, daydream about it, to “test” if my mind can really fathom the act of sex upon my own body.... i can’t. my mind literally snuffs out the mental image of sex when i am the subject, as if it isn’t possible, and especially since i don’t desire it. (i’m pretty okay with imagining 2 OTHER people getting down on each other tho.) i’m asexual so i don’t actually know what sexual attraction is, but i did try to search a bit on what that feeling is, and i’m not gonna lie, i can’t relate a single bit fam, which further helps me solidify my asexual identity.

that solidification didn’t come easy. i had to go through countless rounds of considerations, to try to pick apart the str8 agenda that society and mass media have been feeding me for as long as i lived. but once i realised this label worked far better for me than any other label in the lgbtq spectrum, i was like, yes! i found it! i found me. and i have never found anything contradictory to the label that i found for my sexuality. so that’s gr8 m8 8/8 coz that gave me the feeling of security of knowing myself, and i could read up on similar experiences through other asexual people online and not feel like i’m just immature for my age or whatever crap people think of asexuals (i didn’t read what aphobes on tumblr have to say because why would i want to make myself upset when i’m just living my life...).

whoops i rambled but YEAH SO I’M ASEXUAL. (thanks tumblr for introducing this concept to me, for once, because without tumblr i would just be confused and irritated i’m not feeling things that i “should”)

as some of you might know, if you’ve done some digging about your sexuality, a common theme that pops up in explanations is the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. i already got the latter nailed down, hooray for me.

what’s romantic attraction then? this question would push me down the rabbit hole and end in me still pummelling but now into a bottomless water body where the surface i hit is the question, “what’s LOVE, then?”

i lazily decided i wouldn’t need to deal with romantic attraction if i never experienced it, so i just didn’t define my romantic orientation. lol. i mean, i only had a crush once in my life and that was when i was 9-years-old but that little “infatuation” lasted for about 10 years because that’s how fixated i get on things (and as it turns out, people) i favour LMAO so...?? during the period of my asexuality discovery and general maturation, i figured i only liked him for that long because of the IDEA of what i THOUGHT he was like --- i didn’t speak to him for extended periods of time during those 10 years, so clearly who my heart wants isn’t him, but just what i thought he would be like (something like the “perfect man”, but mixed in with his “flaws” i knew i could tolerate, because he’s human too and i try to be reasonable).

and it was also then that i learnt Love was a Choice. SO. i let go. i still look up to him and stuff, but i’m not going to let that millennium-long crush take up unnecessary space at the back of my mind anymore.

i was putting my bets on grayromantic or demiromantic, but this time i wasn’t, and couldn’t be, as sure of my identification as i was when i knew i was asexual. i don’t know. i can’t say it’s because i yearn for affection because frankly speaking i can go without it, i can be quite detached and can remain that way for a long time. maybe it’s because i didn’t want to dismiss the possibility of experiencing a (generally) positive feeling poets wax lyrical about. i mean nothing wrong if you’re aromantic, but i felt like i had the CAPACITY to love romantically. whatever that meant.

k i’ve rambled enough. long story short, someone new caught my eye (not literally lmao looks ain’t shit to me), and i don’t know what to make of it. so here’s my confusion.

(pardon me for coming off like a 13-year-old with a crush, but i legitimately thought about all this shit over the past few weeks)

his personality is lively and charming (to me!). his humour isn’t totally in sync with mine, but i can still chuckle along. he’s not a toxic hetero dude (yeah low bar but i just had to put it out there), he supports the LGBTQ+ community (i don’t know his sexual orientation but it doesn’t matter to me). he has Intellectual Opinions that aren’t obnoxious or are spewed to seem like a smartass or edgelord. he puts effort into his endeavours, he has a good attitude in general. oh and here’s the best part: i can’t properly gauge if i caught HIS eye, but if i did, he’s not showing it in creepy ways that other boys have. (small example: we all stay in something like a hostel. i offer to buy a snack from the convenience store for this dude who happened to be studying in a common area on my level at 2am (lol what’s a sleep schedule m’pals), because i’m going to go there at that very moment. mind you this dude and i have only recently been acquainted. dude says no thanks. i’m like okay. i go to the convenience store. i picked my items from the shelf, turn around, and BAM, HE’S RIGHT THERE. “um didn’t you say you didn’t want anything?” “oh no i just thought of following you here. it’s late.” you think it’s sweet or some shit but no because the convenience store is located within the university grounds and our country has one of the lowest crime rates ever so the reason he was giving was pretty illogical, no one does this shit. now i’m socially obligated to feel thankful for your chivalry or some shit??? i hate that. these dudes don’t ever fucking consider the context of chivalry before acting on it, did you legitimately think i would be comfortable and safer with you, a mere acquaintance, “accompanying” me to the store. ugh. ok whoops i digressed.)

here i admit, my heart flutters when i see him. so now i ask myself... is this infatuation, or do i legitimately want to be in a romantic relationship with him? wait, what’s a romantic relationship? WAIT, WHAT IS LOVE? (tw1ce kpop fans gtfo of my post lmao)

i proceed to analyse my behaviour towards him to try to determine if it’s legitimate romantic attraction. heart flutter, check. stumble over words, check. spew dumb shit in front of him, check. try to subtly catch his attention in a group setting, check. actually play along with his teasing, check. actually initiating conversations with him with HIM as the subject, check. (please note that after one too many creepy dudes’ advances after i try to be friendly and open and bubbly and polite because that’s just how i am, i consciously made an effort NOT to ask questions about THEM in any conversation i had to engage in with them because i frankly dgaf about their lives and i don’t want to make them think i did. i only used to ask out of courtesy because they asked me something first. but now i’m like fuck that. in my current situation, i actually still do not really care about what he does if it doesn’t concern me LMAO, but i ask just to give the impression that i do.) wishing i could see him for one more time, check.

BUT WAIT! i could wave that away with the explanation that i’m infatuated with him. i don’t know what romantic attraction REALLY is, but i’m going to take a leap of faith and guess it entails stuff like, do i want him to be my confidante and vice versa, do i want to hang out with him at the end of a long day - is that more tiring for me, or is that going to be rejuvenating, etc etc i’m basically basing my expectations of a romantic relationship on behaviours of a happily and healthily married couple, which i suppose COULD be misguided, but i don’t know any better...

so, do i?

but FUCK, BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. i don’t know my own preference. “um yeah that’s why you date, to get to know the other person better and shit” ssSSHHH!! i don’t jump into Big Things like relationships unless i’m REALLY sure it’s not going to end in a disaster (plus depleted social capital that i could’ve avoided depleting... ugh We Live In A Society)

right now the issue i’m griping about isn’t whether i’m gonna end up happily ever after with him. i’m venting my confusion here because i don’t know how seriously i should take these feelings towards another person. it’s occupying a LOT of space in my mind and it’s honestly getting in the way (mental effort, time, focus) and i have other things to do. i just want peace of mind.

confusing emotions are useless.

[kelseysmellison]

Passions and Promises

Hello you! I hope you’re good!

I don’t come on tumblr everyday as much anymore but when I do, I seem to get a bit personal, so I’m sorry. But I feel like I should document this as sometimes I will write these kind of entries at pivotal or difficult moments in my life, and then a few years later, I look back and reflect in awe of how things have changed! And I think that’s a good thing! I feel like you should know too, so if some things go down or some things change, you’re not like wtf is going on??? It’s long, it’s a big story time haha.

So, as some of you may know, when I first started having a more online presence, I was at a private musical theatre school, one of the top ones in the country. I got in with a scholarship. Usually to get one, you do a normal audition and then if they think you are very talented, you do a scholarship audition. However, the headteacher saw potential in me on the first audition and I was the second person in the history of the school to be given a straight scholarship. Shook was the least I could say I was.

I had an incredible time at college! I made one of my best friends there, I moved from home at 17 in my second year and grew as a person a lot! I did well in classes, especially lyrical dance, in screen acting and singing! We were promised if we worked hard, we would be successful. It looked pretty true when I got given an award from a highly appreciated person in the industry at the end of my time there and a small hint that I could join a very good agency after I left. However, in my third year, there was always something nagging me in the back of my mind. As much as I loved musical theatre, I just wasn’t sure if it was me. I loved doing all 3 things separate (singing, dancing, acting), and I loved watching shows...but especially when I was given the Lady Gaga project in my third year, I knew creating, being a character, researching and dressing as that character, doing my own kind of show felt more right. But I put that to the back of my mind. I’d been doing musical theatre for years, it’s what I loved!?

I graduated college and none of those promises really came true. I couldn’t get an agent. I don’t fit the standard musical theatre look. I’m too small for cruises and most chorus lines. And I’m not a good enough singer to be a principal in a show. I auditioned a lot, even moved to London prematurely in my opinion (because that’s what everyone else was doing, it’s where you needed to be!). Nothing.

But then I came across my ex music manager through connections at college! She was looking for a small, brunette dancer and singer. I was in her music videos, and also backing sung for her for a while. I also got signed to a dancing agency, things were looking up! (I was promised lot’s of jobs from them, but I’ve only got 2 since.) Then, a huge fork came up in my life. I auditioned for a job in Disneyland Paris...and I got it. At the same time, my manager said she wanted a meeting with me and an investor of music, to develop me as a solo artist, they promised a lot of things, they made it sound very compelling and I was very naive of the music industry. The thing that stood out to me was that “Disneyland Paris is always going to be there, this opportunity might not be.” That thing that was nagging me in the back of my head when I graduated took over. I took a shot and signed with the newly formed record label, I was their first artist!

We wrote songs for a long time (Boom Boom was wrote in 2012!!) and I found a passion I knew I had, but didn’t know I could actually do! Songwriting, making music, video concepts, styling. Basically creating. We finally came out with Pom Pom and it did very well online! But with various unlucky events things went down in the label and I was basically left to do most of the things myself. Booking shows, making my own music videos (boom boom) etc. This went on for years. I had to move back to Barnsley because I was struggling financially. At this time, my youtube was also doing pretty well, and I really enjoy doing it, so thought I should continue with that too! I wasn’t making enough to have either as a career so I had part time jobs at bars and at Barnsley hospital too.

I was stuck in Barnsley, I love my hometown and I love my family, but there is nothing there for me. A lot of my friends were in London, and so were the opportunities. I wanted to audition for things, but it was hard. I went to London on the megabus twice a week sometimes to go for classes in London and meetings about youtube, music etc. Since I was a bit stuck, I decided to focus on youtube a bit more, as it was another passion of mine! I got promised by a network that they would help me get brand deals, help me with my channel, take me to events for networking! I was excited about this. But it never happened. I’ve not got one deal or event from them. I’ll be cutting them out very soon.

Finally I saved up enough money to move back to London.Just!! But a job popped up on facebook that looked perfect! Work at Harrods on commission, on the hours I wanted to do! It was great because I could still do youtube, music and audition for things! I took a leap because I knew two others who wanted to move too and did it. This time I was more mature and aware, I was more financially secure too!

A few months after I moved, I decided I wanted to get more music out, I was emailing and meeting back and forth with my music management. Then, they had an idea about forming me into a group. I loved the idea and I still do! At that time, my label had a lot of promising things going on, a huge PR company backing them, major labels taking interest. I was promised good things. We started on K.OH! and started writing with a few people, who also had faith in me and the group and promised me things. But then, a series of unfortunate events again made everything fall through. The financial backing was pulled because the section of the major label that was interested was also pulled for financial reasons. Making the video for Ponytail was left to me again on £50 of my own money. We did it and I’m proud of it!

After Ponytail came out, I discovered my contract had ended with my music management months ago and was never made aware. Basically K.OH! are on our own. One good thing about this though is that I’m now not tied to one music project, I can still do my own music...and other things as I’m not in a 360 contract. It ended on good terms still and even though they can’t really help financially, I am still getting advice and guidance from them. However, now I’m on my own I’ve faced a lot of obstacles. I’ve been thrown into managing things I can’t handle myself. People have become distant and don’t want to work as much with me because I don’t have that promise of making them money because I’m not backed. It’s looking very tough. But I don’t want to give up as it’s something I’m very passionate about.

This year, I’ve also been getting small acting jobs on films and on adverts. What’s weird is that on every job of these I’ve done, I’ve never wanted to come home. I’ve wanted to do it everyday. This has rarely happened to me. I remembered being highly complimented at musical theatre about my screen acting skills. Acting is something I’ve actually wanted to do since I can remember. When I was a kid, I had some Disney Princess costumes, I would put them on in the morning and would act as that character the WHOLE DAY. I wouldn’t answer to Kelsey, I wasn’t her, I was that Princess. I would imagine I was on a film and I was that person. My mum would literally have to explain at school who I was and the teachers would have to play along haha! I love cosplaying, bringing people’s creations and characters to life, and if you’ve seen my videos, whenever I do a character, I will act as them. Also if I’m doing lookbooks, I will also put on a different character for each outfit (especially my hogwarts one). I’ve never considered screen acting or wanted to even try for it. One, because I have very little experience or training in it...two because of how I look. Why would a casting director go for someone with a distracting eye over someone with perfectly normal eyes?

I have an extra job on a HUGE film at the moment (I can’t tell you what, but I’m a huge fan of it and they are being so top secret about it). And I had a conversation with someone in the industry. They picked me out and gave me a lot of encouragement and tips, said I should try acting, and...promises. I was very excited about this, but then I thought.

I just don’t know if I can trust what anyone in this industry says anymore. I don’t know what I should do anymore. I’m actually in a pretty good point in my life right now, I’m working at viewster creating videos, so I have a job that pays rent and lets me also freely do youtube, music and performing jobs...but still, I feel like I’m at another fork in my life or just stuck.

I know I want to continue making music to my abilities as best as I can. I know I love youtube. But this new, (well not really new, since I’ve always thought about it) burning passion I have that I can’t stop thinking about for this past year is also eating at me. I know it would be fucking hard. People won’t cast me because of that specific reason, but people may also cast me despite or even because of it. But I have to be good at what I do, I have to be better than maybe some people because of it. I have to have thick skin and honestly, I think I have a pretty thick one, all of these things that have happened have helped in a weird way. What if all of these things were bringing me to this part of my life?? Or what if it’s just another promise and passion that’s going to end in nothing.

Might as well have a go since I don’t really have anything to lose and I’m not really committed to any contracts or anything any more. Let’s see how it goes. First off I am going to look in to actually getting a bit more training. I’m going to get some headshots and I’m also going to apply for student/independent/no budget films for a showreel and just to see if it is something I really want to do.

If I never hit the big screen, at least I’m on your youtube screen! I also may try and incorporate some of this passion more into my videos. I may stop doing weekly uploads and concentrate on bigger, more higher quality videos. I’m not sure yet. 

But yeah...that’s where I am right now. Hello lmao

[haruheartshallyu]

WANNA ONE: ‘Burn it up’ vs ‘Energetic’

Ladies and gents... the voting of WANNA ONE’s (promotion) debut song is over, but we still don’t know the results. Kinda sucks, right? 

Luckily, YMC will reveal both complete MVs... but WANNA ONE’s only going to do proper promotions with one of them. However, we international Wannables couldn’t vote anyway. Sucks even more, right? 

Still, there were countless discussions on the world wide web about which song would suit better as their final debut track.

And since some of you seem to really enjoy my Produce 101 articles (I’ll put links of them at the end of this post), I thought I will let you know what I think about ‘Burn it up’ and ‘Energetic’... or at least what I’ve heard and seen so far of both songs and MVs. 

Yeah, I know I mention this every single time, but this is just my opinion – not yours... or maybe yours. Don’t know... don’t care. I just wanna write my thoughts down. 

Time for a pause... take a deep breath... and let’s go...

This whole BiUvsE-ride started with a teaser – and that one almost killed me. I was always a huge fan of NU’EST. Of course I am! I’m a Play Girl – and if you are or were (we don’t really know if After School still exists) one of us Play Girlz, you should support Pledis’ first boy group. 

Anyway, the first teaser started with Pledis’ Hwang Minhyun, and – HOLY SHIT – this man is without any doubt extremely good looking (not that I hadn’t known before, but such a sweet reminder always gets appreciated by my naughty self).

I felt like I was in trance while watching this perfect human being arranging food, licking his own finger, rubbing his ears – you trying to kill me, Mnet... yeah? 

And then, suddenly ‘Burn it Up’s drop happened, and I was like – GOD DAMMIT! THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! A few seconds later the sound-teaser of ‘Energetic’ appeared – and I am sorry to say this, but I was unimpressed. How can you put the teaser of a hype-song before a teaser of something more – let’s say – gentle?!

Right after watching Minhyun’s video, I was so sure that almost everyone might agree with me. GUESS WHO WAS SO FUCKING WRONG?!

I’ve looked through hundreds of comments, and besides all those Minhyun-visual-god-praises, most people – and with most I mean more than 9 out of 10 – said that ‘Energetic’ sounds better.

I know, I know... music is always something that depends on a certain taste. But it was not their taste in music that bothered me. It was their argumentation! (We will talk about this in a few seconds.)

Well, one after one teaser appeared. It doesn’t matter if it was Jihoon’s shoe fetish, Jaehwan’s guitar playing, Guanlin’s adorable English, Daewhi’s puppy face, Jinyoung’s fresh style, Jisung’s unbelievable sexiness (who would have thought that, nya?), Woojin’s dance skills, Seongwu’s perfect self (yeah, even in that outfit!), Sungwoon’s mature and handsome appearance or Kang Daniel’s... well, fuck... it’s Kang Daniel (it doesn’t really matter what he does or did or seems to do) – everything was so incredibly visually pleasing! (The only thing that bothered me was the ridiculous amount of pink lip stain and skin softener... Just stop that, Mnet/YMC! JUST STOP!)

But under every single teaser, I found (almost) only comments of ‘Energetic’ supporters. 

Most of these supporters said that ‘Energetic’ would suit WANNA ONE’s image better. Well, if you look at all those over-softened beautiful teaser videos – yeah, I have to agree. But if you look at their Produce 101 evaluation performances – I have to disagree. 

Seriously, it seems like Mnet wants people to vote for ‘Energetic’. With the teasers, the (so-far revealed) magazine pictures, the group’s colors – everything cries for something more soft and gentle... talking ‘Energetic’.

Don’t get me wrong – it is okay to already reveal a concept. And ‘Energetic’ doesn’t sound bad at all! It seems like a wonderful song. 

However, most ‘Energetic’ supporters said something that made me – well, kind of furious. 

There’s a reason why I turned my back on K-Pop for almost two years. This reason was first of all the over-used innocent girl group concept that made me sick after some time (and it still hasn’t stopped), and second was the boring and generic music. But I returned, and all thanks to groups like 24K and BTS who brought hype back to K-Pop.

While looking through all those ‘Energetic’ supporters’ comments, I’ve realized that most called ‘Burn it up’ generic. Why? I don’t understand this at all. WHY?

I personally think it is the exact opposite. ‘Energetic’ sounds like every single boy group track that was released within the last few months (of course there are exceptions). 

Last week, SNUPER released a song called ‘Shooting Star’ – looks and sounds pretty much like ‘Energetic’. Even HOTSHOT’s ‘Jelly’ has literally no similarities with ‘Burn it up’. Four days ago, Starship uploaded MONSTA X’s ‘Newton’, and the concept and music video look a lot like ‘Energetic’. Need more? Then check out MYTEEN’s ‘Amazing’ or VAV ‘ABC’ which all got released within the last few weeks. Oh come on... even EXO’s ‘Ko Ko Bop’ would fit into 'Energetic’s concept (except for the dope drop – I LOVE THAT DROP). So... ‘Burn it up’ sounds generic? WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?!

‘Burn it up’ is quite obviously a hype-song, and there are literally no hype songs in K-Pop right now. The only group that makes proper hype-songs is BTS. Even 24K stopped doing such kind of music. (Look at 24K’s ‘Only You’.) Funny thing is... some actually said that ‘Burn it up’ sounds like an iKON song. Well, I guess you haven’t heard much of iKON’s music so far.

But I have to agree that ‘Burn it up’ sounds like a BTS song... because it’s fucking HYPE! Hype songs are songs that make your heart race and shout and dance and they produce WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING-moments. 

This is the music I prefer to listen to. I admit it. I am a hype-junkie! Since I used to be a dancer, I love hype more than anything else. However, I hate nothing more than anything else than people who say that hype sounds like BTS... BECAUSE BTS SOUNDS LIKE HYPE. Not vice versa. 

Unfortunately, most people within the Hallyu community think BTS=K-Pop which I understand. BTS are probably the most successful boy group of all time, and the reason is not because they are from a popular label. The reason is their fantastic music (plus their crazy fandom). And guess what... their fantastic music contains mostly out of hype songs. And that’s why they are so popular. Even my ex and his friends – who don’t like K-pop at all – listen to BTS (and 4MINUTE) because their music is dope. Hype entertains everyone! Not only people who are into K-Pop – it gets everyone! My mom who only listens to classical music likes BTS’s ‘Not Today’ because it blows her mind! THINK ABOUT IT!

Anyway, people say WANNA ONE’s ‘Burn it up’ sounds generic because it seems like a BTS song, right? To all those who think the same: Get some proper K-Pop education! We need more boy groups who produce hype songs to get international recognition. It’s not a cute and gentle song that attracts attention... it’s powerful music that blows everyone away!

Okay, okay... I will stop my rant for now, and tell you why I prefer ‘Burn it up’ without mentioning the so important hype factor.

WANNA ONE’s members couldn’t be more different. A fact is that four out of eleven members took part in Produce 101′s dance evaluation (yeah, I know six were in the vocal evaluation, and only one in rap). And those four performed the fantastic stage of ‘Get Ugly’... just a reminder. 

Don’t you want something similar? Don’t you want something that makes you lose your shit? Not because of amazing vocals (with Sungwoon’s and Jaehwan’s voices we get that anyway), but because of a dance performance that will make you scream and fangirl like a lunatic?!

Last week, the MV teasers of both song’s were uploaded, and many commented that ‘Burn it up’s MV looks – well – better. But it’s not only the music video: we got to see a tiny glimpse of the choreography while – during ‘Energetic’s teaser – we saw something that looked like a male version of TWICE’s ‘Signal’. DON’T GET ME WRONG! ‘Energetic’ looks good – without any doubt (Sungwoon with those glasses and the bubblegum? HELL YEAH!). But come on... ‘Burn it up’ looks AND SOUNDS fucking dope. I want them to perform this live – as long as they can.

TL;DR ... ‘Energetic’ sounds really good, but it still seems like a track that every single other boy group would produce these days. ‘Burn it up’ is a typical hype song which we have only seen during BTS promotions within the past few years. And just because BTS makes similar music doesn’t make this kind of music generic or over-used.

After the first Produce 101 season, I loved most of the girls that got into IOI (my bias didn’t make it, but Kim Jonghyun didn’t make it this year as well – so yes, fuck it). But their debut song was shit – literally shit. ‘Dream Girls’ still makes me cringe AF. 

I just want WANNA ONE’s debut song to be a song that gains international attention. I want a song that makes my family want to watch Produce 101 season 2 with me together. I want a song that makes me want to learn the choreography. And as nice and sweet ‘Energetic’ sounds – I don’t think any of this will happen with this song as final debut track. 

(Short explanation: I am from a super small country in middle Europe. I have only seen a few K-Pop groups live because I’ve traveled far far away. And international recognition means A LOT to me. So all those bitches out there who are able to attend KCON LA... fuck you! I AM SO JEALOUS!)

But we all know that ‘Burn it up’ won’t make it, right? It seems like powerful songs will die out in South Korea. It doesn’t matter if this goes for girl groups or boy groups – power and passion are dead. All what leads to success are visuals and a successful label (with a few exceptions of course). 

I am just happy that YMC and Mnet will reveal the MV to ‘Energetic’ as well as the MV to ‘Burn it up’. Even though WANNA ONE won’t do any proper promotions with my favorite debut track, at least I can always watch it online, right?

Just in case you don’t know. I drank a whole bottle of wine while writing this... because I am so scared that most of you might hate me for what I’ve said. But I just want to mention – no matter which song gets chosen – I will always love my eleven babies of WANNA ONE, and I will support their debut... no matter what.

Kang Daniel is center anyway – SO FUCK THIS SHIT AND SHOW ME MA BAE!

*EDIT* I forgot to mention that I caught myself singing 'Burn it up' ... multiple times... even though I only know this one line of the song... while I can't even remember how 'Engertic' sounds.

PRODUCE101 – 10 MOMENTS THAT MADE ME COMPLETELY LOSE MY SHIT

PRODUCE101 FINAL – THOUGHTS AND OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS

PRODUCE101 – HOW THE PERFECT BOY GROUP WOULD LOOK LIKE

TOP5 SEXIEST PRODUCE101 TRAINEES: #5 – #4 – #3 – #2 – #1

PRODUCE101 EPISODE 10 – FEELINGS, FRUSTRATION AND FEAR

[jestbee]

The Limits of Terminology

Words: ~5k

Tags: Friends to lovers. Defining the relationship.Slight mention of sex but nothing too graphic guys

Rating: Mature I guess. Cus of the sex.

Summary: Dan has referred to Phil as a lot of things over the years. Best friend. Housemate. Business Partner.

But terminology is limiting, and none of it feels like enough. How can one word encapsulate everything they mean to each other?

[AO3 Link]

Fic under the cut.

That guy from the internet

In the early days, Dan doesn’t know what to call Phil, what label is appropriate. He can’t really explain the sudden and familiar attachment he feels to what is essentially a stranger.

‘Stranger’ feels wrong though, seeing as how it's slowly getting to the point that they’re sharing everything with each other. ‘Acquaintance’ doesn’t sit right either, it's more than something passing, fleeting, it feels solid despite the intangibility of an internet connection.

Twitter flows to skype flows to exchanging numbers and now Dan finds himself at a party, the first one since his break up with Erin, and alone on a couch, texting. People move around him, buzz with alcohol and the novelty of their recent switch to college. Dan feels alone in his decision to take a gap year, but his phone is in his hand, and Phil is replying with a frequency that belies him having any plans this Friday night, and Dan is smiling at each one as they come through.

“Who ya texting?” Rebecca says as she flops down on the couch beside him. She’s leaning slightly, and Dan knows that lean. It’s the you-just-split-up-with-your-girlfriend-and-I’m-interested lean. He doesn’t return it. Instead he shifts slightly, tilting the phone screen towards his chest to shield it, he doesn’t necessarily want to share Phil with the world yet.

“No one,” Dan says, “Just some guy off the internet.”

Rebecca raises an eyebrow and giggles at that. Perhaps, Dan thinks, that isn’t quite the correct term.

Friend

Manchester is a blur. It’s being high up and gazing over the city from the top of the Manchester Eye, or from a cosy booth in the sky bar. It’s feeling like he’s still that high up, even when his feet are back down on the ground.

It’s easy. Easier than he’d thought it would be, and when Phil’s phone rings during filming, Dan can’t help the smile that spreads over his face as Phil say “Hi… Yeah… No, I’m just hanging out with my friend.”

And suddenly that feels like a good term to use, but it takes him until a few days after he’s back to try it out for himself.

“You coming to the pub?” Rebecca is saying as she leans on the railing outside of the corner shop.

“Nah,” Dan replies, swinging his carrier bag and waiting for Jason to leave as well. “I only popped into town to get some stuff, I’ve got to get back for five.”

“Ooo,” Rebecca says, still adopting a glimmer of the lean, but Dan thinks he’s got it pretty much fended off at this point. He’s not asking himself why because, Rebecca is attractive enough, he’s just not sure he wants to be tied down right now. “Got plans with someone?”

Dan smiles, “I’m just going to skype my friend.”

It doesn’t cause any riots anywhere when he uses it, so he figures the term can stick for a while.

“The one from the internet?”

“Yeah,” Dan nods, and runs a hand through his fringe. “My friend from the internet.”

Best friend

Best friends happens ironically.  Or at least offhandedly. He isn’t actually sure people have best friends in their 20s, and Phil is older than him, so he’s sure it’s some schoolyard practise they should be too old for.

“Get me a drink on your way?” He asks as Phil rises to his feet from the seat next to him on the floor. He wobbles slightly, almost tipping the monopoly board over, but he doesn’t.

He’s in Phil’s flat, with Phil’s friends. Well, they’re his friends now as well, since he moved here, but he still likes to make the distinction.  The same way he makes the distinction that this is Phil’s flat, not his, even though he’s here most nights.

He’d started on the couch but honestly, it was beginning to become a pain to clear up the blankets and everything every morning. The final straw was Dan’s back beginning to protest about being curved onto the small space each night, so he’d ended up in Phil’s bed. It wasn’t weird, they were just friends. He likes to make that distinction too.

“What’s wrong with your legs you lazy oaf?,” Phil says quickly, leaving Dan’s glass on the table.

Their friends laugh, chiding Dan gently for being a cheeky little shit. No one finds it weird that Phil will clearly do a drink run for them, his guests, but actively expects Dan to get his own.

“Some best friend you are,” Dan mocks, feigning sadness and following him to the kitchen.

He realises what he says and holds his breath. But really, he needn't have worried.

“I am the greatest best friend ever,” Phil says insistently, splashing Dan with the water from the tap as he fills up his ribena glass. When he’s finished with his he holds out a hand for Dan’s glass and winds up making it anyway. Dan lets the air out of his lungs in one long stream.

Phil smiles, and Dan smiles back as they settle back down to the game, and they don’t acknowledge it much further.

Later, they use the term online, it’s accepted and comforting. It’s probably one Dan can live with forever.

Housemate

After that they begin adding labels to the one they already have. But honestly, he doesn’t expect housemate. He’s mostly come to term with the fact that he doesn’t want to live with any of the random people he barely knows from his uni halls, and he doesn’t know anyone from lectures or social activities since he spends all of his time with some older guy none of them know, so he’s pretty resigned to having to sign on to halls for another year. It’s mostly depressing, but he’s trying to find the good.

That is, until Phil brings it up.

“Are you planning to stay in halls next year?” He asks as they’re playing Mario Kart, as ever, on Phil’s living room floor. They never sit on the couch, he doesn’t know why.

It might be because the couch is small, and there isn’t much room for them to sit side by side. But Phil’s elbow keeps knocking into him they’re sat so close, and Dan doesn’t even mind.

“Probably,” Dan shrugs, taking a corner at just the right angle and picking up an item. He’s in first place and gleefully shoots and object in Phil’s direction. Phil’s vision is obscured and he skids of the track..

“Ah--” Phil yells, swinging his arms upwards and jabbing at the controller in an attempt to right himself back on course. It’s to no avail though and Dan wins the race only a few seconds later.

“Ultimate champion!” Dan gloats, hands over his head. Phil just smiles fondly and pushes at him. Dan rocks on his hips momentarily but straightens up, laughing so that his face aches.

“So, probably?” Phil continues after a hard stare.

If takes Dan a moment to realise what he’s talking about.

“Halls. Yes, probably.” He shrugs again, “No where else to go.”

“I was thinking…”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Ha. Very funny.” Phil reaches out and pokes Dan’s cheek with a pointed finger. “I was thinking we could live together in your second year. I mean… if you wanted to. I know it’d be weird like, living with someone who isn’t in uni, and it might take you away from all of that so I’d completely understand if you--”

“Phil,” Dan interrupts, “I’m literally always in your house anyway.”

“True. Plus, it’d be great for YouTube. We’d be able to film and could help each other out and your dorm mates wouldn’t be listening to you talk to yourself.”

Dan laughs. “Slow down, you don’t have to convince me. I think it’d be awesome.”

“Really? That’s great!”

“I’m not being funny,” Dan says ponderously, “But, well, you only have one bedroom…”

He isn’t sure how he wants Phil to respond. It’s become fairly normal for him to sleep in there with Phil, and it’s cosy actually, more comforting than he’ll allow himself to admit. Still, he’s not sure that hospitality extends to Dan actually living here. It’s excusable when he’s just visiting, even if it is becoming every night. He’s shocked at how  the idea appeals to him though, being in Phil’s bed every night, being allowed, without needing to look for an excuse.

“I thought we’d look for a different place, one with two bedrooms you idiot.”

Dan tries not to over analyse why he feels slightly disappointed. “Sure.” He nods. “Um, not to sound like, ungrateful for the offer, cus I am, I think it’ll be fun. But, like, You live by yourself, you’re independent, why would you want to live with me?”

“One,” Phil says, emphasising the point with a finger, “Like you said, it’ll be fun. Two,” he adds another finger, before dropping his hand to his lap. “I’m going to quit my job and do YouTube full time. I can make it work money wise. But… Sharing somewhere to live would be good.”

“That’s amazing!” Dan enthuses before rolling his eyes at the pun.

“So, housemates?” Phil asks, holding out his hand to shake.

“Housemates.” Dan agrees, slipping his fingers in to Phil’s hand.

Business partner

They’re always ‘Dan and Phil’. From the Super Amazing Project, to the first t-shirt, to the merch company, the radio show, the gaming channel, the book, the tour, the second book… Dan is honestly surprised ‘business partner’ doesn’t start sooner. But with ‘Best Friend’ on offer, and ‘Housemate’ continuing for more years than Dan could have hoped for, well, he supposes there wasn’t ever an opportunity. Besides, they’ve never really taken all of that seriously.

As it happens, it’s only to sort out a misunderstanding that they use it at all.

“And if your partner could just sign here,” the accountant is saying to Phil.

They share a look. It’s one they’ve shared before, on multiple occasions.

“Um,” Phil says, still looking at Dan, not at their accountant. “We’re not…”

Dan knows he should probably say something too. But, seeing how he’s long since given up trying to repress the feeling of elation he feels every time someone mistakes them for lovers, he doesn’t. There was a patch there where he would have. Would have stood up, questioned how on earth anyone could ever think that he and Phil were together, that they weren’t and never would be. Until he realised that he was just confused as to why anyone thought Phil would want him like that. Because he clearly doesn’t. Honestly, he’s sort of just learned to deal with the confusing twist of emotions he feels in his gut whenever it happens, and let the wave of hope wash over him briefly before shoving it down.

“Oh,” Phil laughs, putting two and two together. “You meant business partner.”

“Business partner.” Dan echoes, “that’s me.”

He leans forward in the chair, being careful not to tip the back two legs off the ground, it’s probably unprofessional to fall on your accountant’s floor.

“All done,” he proclaims, setting the pen back down.

They take care of the pleasantries quickly, rushing from the room red cheeked and giggling.

“Did you think--”

“Yeah,” Dan preempts, “It’s just… business partner. That’s a new one.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“Just seems very grown up.” Phil answers.

“Well, yeah.” Dan agrees, “I suppose it does. But what else would you call it?”

“I don’t know,” Phil says, “Partner is good.”

If Dan notices that Phil drops the ‘business’ from the beginning, he doesn’t say so. He does, however, allow himself to enjoy the sound of it.

“Partner is good.”

Everything. Yours.

Sometimes Dan tests out other labels. Lets them sit in his tongue or roll around his mouth, just to see how they taste.

He fantasises in private moments what it might be like to use another word, one that means something more than the current ones do, but he knows that he can't.  So he tucks it away, buries it under the labels he has available to him and says those where he wants to say the others.

He thinks maybe Phil wants to try it on for size too. Sometimes. When strangers make the inevitable assumption he watches Phil hesitate, weighing up the consequences of letting those labels apply, even for just a short space of time. Phil always comes down on the side of caution though, so Dan never wants to push it.

What Dan doesn't anticipate is when things change without the need for the label to be said out loud. Suddenly Dan has limited options as to the terminology, but Phil seems to be redefining the narrow definitions Dan has assigned to them.

Best friend suddenly means, in random increments, being pretty much a part of Phil's family. Adopted, included, invited along to every gathering.

It means Phil's head on his shoulder in the back of a taxi when he's particularly tired.

Business partner means a joint bank account that spills over into their personal finances. It's not knowing which of their possessions belong to whom, simply using ‘ours’ instead of ‘mine’. It's easier, he reasons, it's just easier.

Whatever this is means Phil wrapping around around him and leaning in, enveloping Dan in his warmth and holding him close. It's the soft brush of lips on Dan's neck that he thinks Dan won't notice.

It's being each other's first speed dial, next of kin, emergency contact. Because really, who else would they call? It's always being at the top of their text messages unless they're sat right next to each other. Even then, it's still a good bet.

It's skyping despite only being away one night, it's letting ‘I miss you’ crackle over a dodgy internet connection and having it returned with soft smiles and flushed cheeks.

Without relying on their limited lexicon of available terms, it is Phil’s hand in his, on the small of his back, his whole body pressed against Dan’s side on the couch. And it’s Dan allowing it, revelling in it, letting himself enjoy it where he might have previously shied away. Actively avoiding denial is less physically exhausting, he finds, letting his body move without the need for taught muscles holding him upright, out of Phil’s space, away.

Eventually it’s Phil, drink-loosened and blurry, pressing his mouth to Dan’s in the silence of their flat. It’s Dan hesitating only for a moment before returning it, fervent and bruising. Then hands gripping, pulling, nails digging crescent shapes onto twin backs as moonlight streams through the window, washing out everything, making decisions seem lighter, paler, less important.

It moves to the bedroom and it’s the feeling of tshirt jersey sliding over soft abdomens, it’s the hiss and rattle of a belt buckle and zip, it’s the rough feeling of carpet on Dan’s kneecaps counteracted with the soft tug of Phil’s hand in his hair.

It climaxes in the sensation of them coming together, Phil inside of Dan, as close as he can be. It’s the hot breath on his neck, teeth nipping, tongue lapping. The rhythmic thrust as their bodies move together, bathed in darkness and shrouded in whatever this all means. For one blinding second towards the end it’s the rush of something real, tangible, with Phil following closely behind. It’s every nerve ending in his body screaming out in relief before collapsing weightless and dreamy into blue and green sheets.

Finally, as he engages in mental acrobatics, it's Dan calling him out on it while lying side by side, sweaty and sated.

“Do you ever think about like, labels?”

Phil is breathing heavily. They’ve been enjoying the silence, or using it to hide in.

“Labels for what?” His voice is low, croaky, as if this emotion is one unused for a while. Dan can relate.

“For us, for what we are to each other.” He doesn’t mean now, he means in normal circumstances. He doesn't know what these circumstances are, can’t even imagine where to start.

“Oh.”

“I mean, there are a few.”

“I guess there are.” Dan feels Phil’s body tightens, leaning slightly away.

Dan misses his warmth already.

“Language has its limits, Dan.”

Dan finds it in himself to nod. “Useful for defining the subtleties of human interaction though.”

“Constrictive.” Phil insists, “Labels aren’t really a great tool for defining what two people are to each other, are they? I mean, one word can’t really encapsulate all of the nuance.”

“I suppose more than one could apply then,” Dan shrugs, “Like for us.”

“Like, best friend and housemate?” Phil suggests.

“And business partner.”

“Yeah,” Phil smiles, Dan can hear it even though he can’t see it in the darkness. “That too. Though that sounds awfully formal and like we sit in an office every day making tough decisions instead of stumbling into a profession where we reply to emails from our couch.”

“Agreed, but it’s a label you can tout in public and one people understand.”

They lapse into silence again, because it’s easier. The rustle of sheets startles him eventually, the dip of the bed as Phil turns on his side to face him.

What little light remains at the window is casting a frosting over his pale skin, highlighting the curve of a hip, slight dip of his waist. Dan doesn’t want to look what it’s doing to the colour of his eyes.

“So what made you ask?” Phil says eventually.

“I just think there are some things… some ‘nuances’ that our current labels don’t really cover.”

“Hm?”

Dan inhales. It’s preparation, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll hold his breath for all of what comes next. “Best friends, housemate or business partner don’t really cover what just happened.”

Phil reaches out a hand, curls it around Dan’s shoulder and tugs at him, urging him to turn too. He should feel vulnerable because they’re on top of the bed, naked and exposed, but he doesn’t. He shouldn’t shudder at the press of Phil’s hand on his shoulder given where those fingers have been tonight, but he does anyway.

Instead he turns to face Phil, making out the shape of his mouth in the dim light and wanting to kiss him again. But Phil isn’t responding, so he isn’t entirely convinced it’s allowed now everything is over.

“Do they have to cover it?” Phil asks, quietly.

Dan nods, “No, I suppose they don’t have to.”

“No point labelling it if it's a one time thing,” Phil mumbles. Its barely intelligible, but Dan is fluent in Phil so he understands just the same.

“And if it wasn’t a one time thing?”

He lets it hang in the air, expand to fill the space between them. He feels clammy and sticky, the air still filled with the musky scent of what happened between them, it presses in so that he’s almost choking on it. It probably has something to do with the fact that Phil takes a while to answer.

“Then it would probably mean a shift in the terminology” Phil relents. “If you wanted it not to be a one-time thing.”

“What were you thinking?” Dan asks, a hand raising to cover his mouth. Mostly to cover his blush, but also to prevent him being tempted to rush forward and press his lips to Phil’s, forget the conversation entirely in favour of making it at least a two-time thing right this second.

Phil reaches out and pulls the hand from his face, shifting closer in the process. Sweat cooling on their skin makes him shiver.

“Do you want to get dressed?” Phil laughs.

“Probably should.”

“Well, don’t do it on my account,” Phil shrugs, “I’m quite enjoying the view.”

He lets his eyes drag down Dan’s body so that Dan can almost feel them on his skin. It makes him shiver again.

“Maybe just get into bed?” Dan suggests. He thinks he can probably allow that, enjoy that, without the accompanying terminology.

They shuffle under the duvet, Phil pulling it up and over them with a final draft of air before it settles. They arrange themselves so that are closer than before, still tipped towards each other, feet tangled now. Phil lets a hand drop to Dan’s hip, thumb soothing over the jut of the bone.

“So…” Dan says once the heat of the bed has warmed them up.

“Ah yes,” Phil says, eyes dancing in amusement, “You want labels.”

“I don’t want them.” Dan clarifies, “I just think that, you know, it might be useful to define… this” he gestures between them.

“And we need a label for that?”

“Maybe. I mean, as far as social constructs go, it’s a fairly limiting one. But having a way to describe it in a singular word that's recognised by society might be useful.”

“You mean you don’t just want to tell them the entire story of tonight in vivid detail over and over”

Dan grins, “I mean, I could, probably. I’ll probably go over it in my own head enough times to commit it to memory. But I fear that the people in our lives aren’t prepared for the embarrassment of hearing that to be honest.”

“But you want some way to tell them…” Phil drifts off slightly before continuing. “You want to tell people about… this. About what this means for us.”

Dan hums. “Not everyone. But some people. I’d like to. If you would. But only in terms you’re comfortable with.”

“I don’t think I could keep it to myself if I wanted to.”

It’s a hushed sentence and it lingers. A mutual agreement that this means something has shifted, something that will remain shifted. Something they intend to pursue.

“Well, what label would you suggest?” Dan repeats from earlier, more clear on what he’s asking now.

“I don’t know.” Phil confesses, “What is a word for two people who have sex after 7 years of friendship and apparently don’t want it to be a one-time thing?”

“A wide variety of things,” Dan informs him, “So many things.”

“I’m open to suggestions.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but it’s fond.

“Well, friends with benefits would work I suppose. To cover the parameters you just set.”

“Hmmm,” Phil rumbles thoughtfully. “The definition of that one doesn’t really cover any emotional aspect that might be included though.”

“Emotional. Right.” Dan ponders, “Lovers?”

Phil laughs. “That just sounds… odd.”

“We are odd.”

“Yes but… you wanted one to use in public. I can’t see using that one personally.”

“No,” Dan agrees, “You’re probably right.”

“Besides, it’s still only focussed on the.. Um…physical aspects.”

Dan rolls his body into Phil’s, unable to resist it anymore. He meets Phil’s mouth, feeling his hand tighten at his hip. His own hands slide up and over Phil’s shoulders, and they roll so Phil is slightly on top of him, at an angle.

“Distracting.” Phil murmurs as they part for air.

“Yes.”

“I mean what I said,” Phil says, lips brushing Dan’s with every other word. “It needs to include the emotional side of things.”

“What… What emotion do you want it to convey?” Dan pulls him down for a kiss again, letting their bare chests press together, hips not aligned but so close he feels like he might be able to stir up interest again quicker than he’s been able to since he was much younger. He can’t help but to thrust upwards slightly, seeking contact.

“Dan,” Phil reprimands.

“Sorry, sorry.” He settles himself again, but doesn’t let Phil move any further away.

“I... “ Phil leans his forehead to Dan’s and closes his eyes. “Dan I think it needs to include the fact that I’m in love with you.”

Dan gasps, parts his lips and lets the air rush in sharply. It sends a shockwave through him that temporarily shorts his brain so that he doesn’t respond for a moment. A moment that stretches out so long Phil begins to move away. Dan locks his wrists behind Phil’s neck and holds him close, bending a leg at the knee to trap him there.

“No,” he says, “I think it needs to include that I love you too.”

Phil wriggles closer then, up and over so that he is settled between Dan’s thighs. He kisses him with a fervour that startles Dan at first. There is a push and pull as they both seek to press everything they want to say into each other’s skin. Fingertips roam, hips undulate idly, mouths work in unison. Dan moans and Phil has to move away. They can both feel how the other is almost hard again, panting and overcome.

“I’ve waited so long to say that.” Phil confesses.

“Me too,” Dan nods, “I probably should have said it years ago but… I didn’t know… I was an idiot.”

“You were young,” Phil soothes, a hand ghosting up his side, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I’ll forgive you a sexuality crisis. We got here eventually.”

“We did.”

“I think my body is making a valiant effort to go again,” Phil giggles,”But I’m not sure it’s technically possible.”

“Probably not right this minute,” Dan says, “It’s quite late.”

Phil groans and tips his head over Dan’s shoulder to catch the clock. Nearly 2am.

“It is. I wish we could stay up but…”

“Things to do tomorrow.”

“Things to do.” Phil repeats, sadly.

Phil sighs reluctantly and slides away. They don’t talk about it but both move to pull on underwear at least before settling back into the bed. Dan thinks naked cuddling is all well and good, but an uncomfortable mixture of body heat and proximity causes the quick slide of sweat which, when focussed on certain areas, could mean no sleep for either of them.

Dan thinks that if this had have happened a few years earlier, when they were young and impulsive, neither of them would have had a second thought about staying up all night and continuing this thing. As it is, they have all those pesky responsibilities that have added to them as labels have.

“Boyfriend.” Phil throws out suddenly.

“What?”

“For the label.” Phil explains, “Boyfriend works. For all of… that.”

“It does.” Dan agrees. “Sounds… vaguely permanent though.”

Phil lets Dan tip onto his side and works an arm over his waist, pulling Dan’s back flush with his chest. “Problem with that?”

Dan hides his smile in the pillow. “No,” he whispers, “No problem at all.”

They both close their eyes and settle into the comfort of having each other close. It’s new, and it feels mostly resolved now, except for the nagging sensation at the back of Dan’s mind.

“It still doesn’t feel like enough.”

“Hm?”

“Boyfriend is good for everyone else,” he explains, “It’s the best thing for public and it works as a social construct term.”

“But…?”

“But it doesn’t… It doesn’t, like, mean everything I want it to.”

“What would?” Phil asks, the words flitting onto the nape of Dan’s neck.

“Something more?” Dan suggests, “Everything?... Mine?”

“Everything.” Phil agrees, pressing his lips to the spot on Dan’s neck that makes him squirm. “Yours.”

Dan lets a soft noise of contentment drift from his lips before closing his eyes to sleep. Words won’t ever really be able to define it, perhaps Phil is right, they’re too limiting to encapsulate all the nuance of them, feel too small to really pack all that Phil means to him in to. Still, he thinks, those ones will do.

True to their word, when they get up in the morning they stick to using ‘boyfriend’ when asked. First with those closest to them, then with strangers who make the assumption. Eventually they let it drift online, slowly and without much fanfare. It’s a term that works for the most part.

Until the moments they are brought together, private and enclosed. Whether slick and panting into each other’s mouths, or sleep-warm and lazy propped up on each other’s body, cosy and cuddle together, or insistent and pulling. Then they have what is reserved for them, the terms only used behind closed doors.

“Everything,” one will say.

“Yours,” the other will answer.

[russellthornton]

Insecure Women: 15 Ways to Stop Damaging Yourself and Be Glorious

Maybe you think you have it all figured out, but you don’t have a clue. It’s time to realize you’re in the crowd of insecure women and grow up.

We all experience insecurity about something. Regardless, if you’re a woman, man, child—insecurity brews inside of us. Now, before I even touch upon how insecurities damage relationships, you need to realize how damaging it is for yourself. Many people who encounter insecure women have a tendency to label them as crazy or insane—which isn’t the case.

Insecure women are simply insecure. When someone triggers their insecurity they panic. I once had a panic attack on a date when I realized that maybe the guy didn’t like me as much as I thought. I literally stood up from the table, mumbled something and left. I freaked out.

Insecure women aren’t all crazy

So, if you look to have a meaningful relationship, overcome your insecurities. It won’t be easy, I know that. However, if you don’t work on this, it always comes between you and your partner. So, it’s time for you to let go and ditch the insecure women group you’ve sat in this whole time.

#1 Go way back in time. Your insecurities didn’t all of a sudden pop up. No, no, no. Start going back into your memory, way back. Usually, our insecurities develop over a period of time. Maybe it has something to do with your parents or your first big love. What is important is for you to spend some time thinking about when this insecurity of yours really started. [Read: How to leave your past and live your future]

#2 Acknowledge your insecure behavior. Own up to it. You’re insecure. Say it out loud, I am insecure. It’s not a bad thing, you know. Everyone is insecure. Now that you acknowledge it, you start to figure out what happened and how you’ll change that insecurity into something positive. It’s time to unchain yourself from your negative thoughts. [Read: 20 reasons why you might be insecure]

#3 Do things on your own. You need to be your own person. I know couple’s yoga is all cute and whatever, but you need to do activities on your own or with your friends.

Suffocating your partner by always being around them isn’t going to help you bond or bring you closer. See how I used the word suffocating? Exactly. Don’t choke them.

#4 More importantly, do things you like. Now that I told you to do things on your own, understand that you shouldn’t be doing it just because someone told you to. Genuinely choose activities that interest you and that you want to invest your time in. Enjoy the time you spend apart—it’s your time!

#5 You’re so vain. Listen, it’s not all about you. But, really, it’s not. If your partner wants to stay home and watch a movie, this doesn’t mean they cheat on you. If your partner doesn’t want to go out with your friends, they’re not planning on breaking up with you.

People have many reasons why they do or do not do things. Did you ever think that maybe they’re tired? Not feeling well? Had a bad day at work? [Read: 15 steps to alter your sad state of mind]

#6 Those negative thoughts? Ditch them. We all have negative thoughts, this is completely normal. Though, do you constantly wonder why this person wants to be with you, if they cheat on you, or if you’re even good enough for them? See, these negative thoughts stem from your insecurities. So, when you doubt yourself, cut that thought and say to yourself that you are worth it. No more, insecure women!

#7 Leave your past relationship in the past. You may have been cheated on and I know, it’s a horrible feeling when someone betrays you. However, who says your new partner is anything like your last one? The problem starts when you bring your baggage into the new relationship. You haven’t even given them a chance. In reality, you set them up to fail.

#8 Communicate your feelings. You need to talk to your partner. Trust me, they probably already know you’re insecure, so, it won’t come as a shock to them. But you need to talk to them about your insecurities. How else will they be able to help you overcome them if you’re not open to them about it? Talk. I know it’s uncomfortable, but it’s the only way you two will be on the same page. [Read: 14 steps for true emotional connection]

#9 Do not be dependent on your partner. This is a huge problem and what really breeds extra insecurity. Of course, you want someone to kiss, cuddle, hug, and love. However, if you depend on your partner to provide you with all the positive feelings, well, you’re going to be disappointed.

Can they give you love? Yes. But… and I know you’ve heard this before, you need to love yourself first. That way, their love for you is the cherry on top of the cake.

#10 Be self-aware. It’s really important that you become self-aware about your mental and emotional state. Maybe you see your partner talking to someone of the opposite sex and all of a sudden, you feel your body temperature rising and your hands sweat. This isn’t because you’re happy, this is your body reacting to jealousy. Practice becoming aware of how your body reacts to negative thoughts and feelings.

#11 Breathe. When you see yourself becoming jealous or angry, do one thing: breathe. The best part of becoming self-aware is when you notice your body’s reaction before the negative thoughts appear. You’ll be able to catch yourself before it happens and control your mind and emotions through breathing. I know it sounds a little hippie but it really works. [Read: 14 easy mantras to transform your life]

#12 Trust your partner. If you don’t trust your partner your relationship will not work. It’s as simple as that. I really cannot sugarcoat this for you. Without trust, you have nothing. This is why it’s so important to work on your self-esteem and insecurities because if you constantly doubt them, how can your relationship function in a healthy manner? So, you need to give them your trust.

#13 Do not confuse reality with imagination. Listen, in some cases, you’ll be right. Your partner may actually be cheating on you but this is because it’s reality. It’s not something you develop in your imagination because they didn’t text you in the last fifteen minutes. Do not mix up reality with your imagination, it takes you down an endless road where you snoop in their email and check their call log history. Don’t do it.

#14 Don’t think of the perfect relationship. I hear this a lot with women and men, they say, it’s not 100%. What does that even mean? What is a 100% relationship? Every relationship is different because the people involved are different. If you’re looking for the relationship you have created in your mind, understand that doesn’t exist. This fuels insecurity because you’re constantly looking for flaws. [Read: Learn to be present and find your zone of calm]

#15 It takes time. This isn’t going to vanish overnight. Consistently give yourself positive praise and process your insecurities. So, if you really want to do this, know that this is a long-term process. However, while you work through your insecurities, you’ll notice how different your relationships with your partner, family, and friends will be.

[Read: 15 ways to grow up and behave like a mature adult]

Insecure women are not crazy or evil—they’re insecure. If you feel you’re an insecure woman, develop out of it and enjoy a healthy relationship. It just takes work and commitment.

The post Insecure Women: 15 Ways to Stop Damaging Yourself and Be Glorious is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.