#i am going to win against the mental illness out of spite. fuck you

[gay-otlc]

Aggressively trying to want to get better

[steveandbucky]

fucked up that it's designed to make you give up. they want you to give up.

the people i speak with are generally kind and understanding and i do feel respected and heard.

but the system itself wants its users to not engage. not apply. not appeal. not fight back. take the no you get as an answer and get out.

because

people will give up. ive spent two hours trying to get help from my GP practice, the crisis team, the universal credit helpline, and now im going to call and speak to my case worker.

time i could have spent making coffee, tidying up, eating food, doing homework.

people with chronic mental/physical illness/disorders/disabilities will eventually give up. there's not enough energy to carry on living your life and try to get the help you need to stay alive. there's not enough time in your day. it is dehumanising. it is draining.

the only thing that keeps me going is spite. for some reason i have a stubborn kind of resilience and will to live and be well. i don't have any discipline or willpower for anything else but i will get what i need to survive. healthcare and benefits and services.

just knowing that they want me to give up and waste away living miserably in poverty makes me want to fight back because when i win it's going to be a very sweet victory. i will show up at the prime minister's door and shove it in his face.

the only thing i can say is that i wish i could fight for everyone. i am always willing to help people access the services they need and get the help they deserve. i would never hold it against anyone if they gave up. im fucking tired. i wouldn't want anyone to have to fight in this battle. i want everyone to be able to live as well as possible, whatever that may look like for them.

[musical-chick-13]

Cersei Lannister for the character ask thing :)

YAY MY ALL-TIME FAVE

• Did they live up to their potential? / In what ways was their potential unachieved?

-Um...YES. I’m going to focus on show here because...the books...aren’t finished...SO. Although I do wish the end of the show had focused more on the fallout of her history with Sansa and I do wish she had been afforded a more direct confrontation with Dany, I don’t think I could have ever asked for a better villain. I started watching the show because I was told there was a hot evil lady, and I could never have imagined the utter humanity Lena brought to her or the nuance and clearly-motivated yet realistic complexities afforded to Cersei’s character. I had waited my whole life for some female character any female character to be allowed to be fucked up. To do stupid things and make mistakes and feel ugly/extreme emotions and experience internalized misogyny and have terrible coping mechanisms and be mentally ill in an ugly (as in, not cute/romanticized) way. To keep going out of spite even though she thought there was nothing to keep going for. I saw little glimmers of that early season 1, and those only got better and better as Cersei only got more and more formidable as time went on. I truly am winning the most I love her so much.

• How they negatively and positively affected the story.

-The thing here is that without Cersei, there really is no overarching story. Her relationship with Jaime is what drives the entire plot and Ned’s uncovering of the court’s corruption. Her refusal to have Robert’s child on the throne (or give birth to his child in the first place) is what causes the succession crisis that even makes everyone else’s power plays a possibility. She spurs Sansa’s development from idealistic child to jaded young adult, which is lynchpin of the whole Northern Independence arc that ultimately ends in her being crowned there. And through all of this, she is both ruthless and sympathetic. She has understandable motivations: she is tired of being treated as less-than for being a woman. She feels like her life is meaningless in such a world if she cannot have power. Power is the only way to truly be safe. She wants to protect her children. She wants her father to understand her. She wants to break herself away from her womanhood but she can’t escape it. All of these things enrich the story because they make the watcher/reader ask, “What truly makes someone evil. Is what she’s doing that much worse than what anyone else in this show does? What course of defense does she have by not being an athletic woman who can physically fight? If love makes you do terrible things, is it always a force of good? What do we allow people to get by with in the name of protecting their family? At what point does self-preservation become irredeemably villainous? How do we talk about abuse of power when the people abused are also terrible people who do terrible things?” All of these questions deal with deconstructing the idea of black and white morality, which is, I would argue, the entire point of the series. So she serves that end quite nicely. :)

• What my favorite arc for them is.

Oooh, this is a tricky one. I’m a sucker for anything that allows Cersei to go absolutely feral and I love pain, so probably her fight against the Faith Militant. They try to take absolutely everything from her. She is so blinded by the threat  Margaery poses to her family’s and her stability, that she makes a not-too-well-thought-out decision. (You know, like a real person.) She loses her reputation, she gets thrown in prison, her main ally turns on her, and she goes through the Walk of Atonement, which is honestly probably the most painful thing I’ve ever fucking seen. She spends an entire season trying to pick up the pieces and it culminates in the most badass death-to-my-enemies scene I think I’ve ever seen. And to see a character pull themselves back up from the brink of complete ruin? Especially one who is severely depressed and “hysterical”? We love to see it.

• What I think of their ending.

PERFECT BEAUTIFUL AMAZING 10/10 MY GIRL DIED THE LAST QUEEN TO EVER SIT ON THE IRON THRONE DIDN’T GET BRUTALLY MURDERED AND DIED IN THE ARMS OF THE ONLY MAN SHE EVER TRULY WANTED WHO LOVED HER UNCONDITIONALLY GOD FUCKING BLESS

Personal bias aside, Jaime and Cersei were always going to die together. Jaime was never truly “redeemed,” he just became more understood. (Feeling ashamed of being ostracized and generally agreeing some of your actions were bad =/= becoming a good person who breaks ties with every unhealthy or immoral behavior you engage in.) Jaime came back to Cersei because they understand each other. And Cersei recognizes that she is about to truly lose everything. Her family, her power, her empire, her life. But in the end, she realizes that there was one glimmer of good and that she doesn’t have to lose all of those things alone. It’s a humbling, miserable death, but in very many ways it comes the way she always knew it would: at the hands of another woman, and by the side of the man who is such a part of herself that that other woman in question ceases to matter. Her last moments might be because of Daenerys, but they aren’t about her, they’re about Jaime and Cersei. The only two people. Together. Just as they’d always predicted. And then the person responsible for her death doesn’t even get to enjoy it because it came at the price of a complete loss of conscience. My fave not brutally murdered onscreen via betrayal and whose demise is because of someone who ultimately doesn’t even gain that much from her death? Beautiful, I want 500.

Cersei is terrified (which. yeah of course she is.) but she went out knowing that everything she did in her life wasn’t completely meaningless, that her pursuit of safety and security at all costs ultimately ended in someone she loved trying to comfort her. She gains that sense of comfort and self-awareness she always wanted in chasing after power, but not in the way she had ever envisioned. Not because of any specific thing she did or any specific enemy she defeated, not because of a particularly intelligent power play or who her father was or which house she aligned herself with, but simply because she loved someone who loved her and that alone was enough. In her final moments, in a way completely at odds with everything she has ever tried to do, she finally finds acceptance. The tragedy is that she can’t enjoy it longer. What a poetically sad, cathartic, fitting end to her quest for self-preservation.

• When I wish they had died. / If I think they should’ve died.

She almost, almost makes it to the end. She outlasts the White Walkers (which I think is valid because she was nowhere near the battle, and, ultimately, her primary enemy is her own penchant for self-destruction, in a way most of the other characters’ aren’t). For years she hangs on out of spite, and no human can kill her though many have tried or wanted to. Ultimately, she can’t compete with dragon WMD’s and a crumbling city. She did sort of achieve her objective. No specific person killed her. It took nonhuman entities to succeed at that. Fits in nicely with the “So you got what you wanted but not quite” theme of the series. Obviously I wish that she and Jaime could escape to Pentos with their child and live peacefully forever, but a) they would be hiding forever to prevent the people they’ve harmed (so like...the whole realm) from coming after them which I just don’t think they’d have much patience for, and b) I really don’t think Cersei would ever give up her quest for power and ruling the world because she would never feel safe or like her existence was meaningful otherwise. In order for the story to have anything remotely resembling a peaceful or happy ending for Westeros at large, she has to die. Which makes me very sad because I LOVE HER, but narrative cohesion is also a thing.

[weabbynormalblog]

You got this!

Failure is a good thing...What???

In my experience it breeds strength, courage, conviction and belief in oneself!

That's right every step count; even if it leads to failure. Just another learning moment.

Perfection is something we all strive for at one time or another. The error free post, the ultimate cake, meal, artwork, skill, trade or even apparently phone call. We all do our best however our best often isn't always perfect. Success at anything usually requires commitment, a solid plan, consistency, knowledge and a wide variety of skills in order to successfully achieve realistic goals. Usually an optimistic big picture approach and managing daily details are the steps that lead to overall sucess. As humans we fail time and time again, success can seem fleeting and quite elusive at times especially when frustrated.

Failure really is only a complete failure when you give up forever. Like Anthony Bourdane. Suicide ideation is not "normal" behavior or anywhere near healthy thoughts. It's the red flag. It's the failure to thrive while being overwhelmed consistently.

Happiness and joy is available to everyone, regardless of situation or station. It's a choice, another option a better possibility.

It is attainable! Take responsibility for your own happiness!!! Don't let yourself be defeated by one little moment in a bazillion of moments that come in a lifetime! Success and failure are a matter of belief. Stop that degrading story playing in your head, that you'll never be better. Start saying what is easy, what is working; go down that check list if you have to. Never measure your self worth to others. We are all unique while being quite alike too. Weight the positives and agree to improvement on the negatives. It's all good! Change your vocabulary and thinking to a more positive mind set. We do ourselves a great disservice by comparing and analyzing who we are in retrospect to others. Judging our performance, philosophy, our earnings and material wealth. We are way more than the 10% of what people see.

I learnt by failing that I don't need to be successful or perfect at anything to be happy. I can enjoy the moment regardless of handicap or pain. That's a big realization in terms of adaptation and self acceptance! My therapist said pay attention to my thoughts, all of them, not just the good ones. And I am. I went to Giant Tiger to pick up some odds and ends and was stuck in a huge line at the check out. My endurance somewhat fleeting. I employ stretching and moving around while waiting. Extreme pain in my head, just breath slow in out sit in the pain and breath through it. I survived. Learning curve don't go at lunch time silly. Understanding our pain, our limits and abilities is a good start in the healing process. It's a big deal so I'm sharing it with you. It helps and works. Practicing mindfulness, energy management, a shelf life for your emotions, good sleep hygiene, the Yoga and a process free raw food diet. I even imagine it all chipping away at my disease. I'm starting to see results now in shifting my mind set. There may not be a "cure" for CFS mental illness etc or what terrible situation has befallen you, there's still hope for you to change, adapt and to create your own joy. Try out something that will bring some relief, you never know where that will lead you. Little by little, tiny beautiful bunches of happiness and success. So I'm going to keep working my schedule no matter how grim and depressed I am. I'm going to continue to rock my adaptation by not giving in to the fear of failure, lack or the unknown. I put in the time to go out to socialize and play music once a month because it's good for me even if I have to leave early or don't even get there. There was still lots of little steps of success throughout my day. I've been working hard on my stamina and energy consumption by practicing the standing, walking, singing and playing guitar. I was caught off guard by the crippling physical exhaustion. Next time I'll try an afternoon meditation session or even a power nap on music outing night. The smooth ride was over. Overdoing any type of activity can leave me in jeopardy of injury. Like loosing physical balance; I've injured myself enough to know no thank you body, I'm listening. Often I'm in bad shape for days with flu like/sun burn/tin man symptoms.

Ok fine, body you win this one.

Failure aside, I still got out of the house. I interacted with other humans and did something that brings me joy. I find when I'm not attached to the outcome, results or expectations, my moments can be enjoyable in spite of my body. Suddenly any down time becomes worth the little bit of enjoyment. Its about the quality of those moments and those were some good quality moments. Not a complete failure as I first thought. Yes it was depressing that I couldn't physically get through 3 songs this time. What does this inability means for my physical health in the future? Then the fear old me. New me however what I did perform, I did do justice! This is to be expected, the no more energy thing. This is my normal now. It's the nature of the beast. And I was pacing myself. I guess it doesn't matter that my practicing was successful or consistent because it suddenly became nul and void up against illness. I got to be realistic here. Yes CFS is a real fucking thing! It's like the narrow mindedness that comes with "flat worlders" have friends all over the globe. My CFS/TBI clearly cut me to the quick. It let me know who's bitch I really am. No more performing of any kind tonight! The old me: I was so bummed, ready to pack it all in, no cure; minimal enjoyment and relief. Ensuing some kind of abusive self harm behavior, the old me. The new me: Ok, so it was too much for me this time. Maybe not the next. It happens to lots of people. I know exactly how Lady Gaga feels. My body and mind gave out mid performance. Severe dry mouth, balancing and memory issues. It was awkward. I was somewhat dumbfounded. I had to stop singing and playing guitar or I was going to wipe out on the stage damaging lots of nice equipment and instruments. I can't keep putting myself at risk of falling. With chronic fatigue (insert auto immun/mental disorder)etc. Safety is an issue. You literally have no choice. Your tiered body/what's broken wins. Sometimes in extreme ways. I'll rest, dust myself off and give it another go another day.

I'll keep at it. I have too! I will not let illness dictate my life. I'll find a way to live with it, cure it or kill it which ever comes first.

For love the of myself, my offspring and all the others suffering.

[littlemisssquiggles]

You know I absolutely adore Yang but I’m the only who’s getting really annoyed with her this volume?

You’renot alone in that regard anon-chan. But at the same time, I’m notsurprised. I mean I think tension amongst the group after the revelation wassomething we all anticipated but even still, what we got still managedto be surprising. Especially the part with Qrow. Speaking of our titular bird dad, I’mactually moredisappointed with Qrow than I amwith Yang. I expected Yang to be pissed. But Qrow… Qrow’s fury threw me for aloop the most especially with the way he struck Ozpin and Oscar.

HittingOscar was one thing but…it left me shell-shocked that Qrow would darelash outat Oz the way he did. I get for him to be peeved like his niece but…Qrow---whatQrow said to Oz was uncalled for.

Ithurt me to see Ozpin’s reaction to what Qrow told him. I wouldn’t be surprisedif Ozpin---or Ozma saw Qrow like a son.

“No onewanted me. I was cursed. I gave my life to you because you gave me a place inthis world. I thought I was finally doing some good.”

 “But… youare.”

 “Meeting youwas the worst luck of my life.”  

Ihated what Qrow said to Ozpin here because you can see how much it stung him. As a matter of fact, Ozpin leaving is becauseof Qrow’s words. Befittingly enough, the guy with misfortune as his semblance wasthe key reason why Oz decided to ups and lock himself away.

Thisis something that I’ve wondered. Ozpin locking himself away---this can’t be thefirst time he’d done this. Is this what Oz did during those lives where hespent grieving and trying to forget the pains of his past? 

Did he lock himselfaway inside the deep subconscious of his vessels and just…stayed theirwallowing in his own grief until the vessel ultimately died and Ozma justreincarnated in the body of his next vessel and did the exact same thing again? Ifthat’s the case then that makes it even more disheartening.

Ozmust have suffered from depression (notto actual mental illness but something akin to it) triggered by the loss of hischildren and the former life he had with Salem and he did this for who knowshow many lifetimes. It took Ozpin several years to come out of his depressivestate when he made his duty to the God of Light and mankind his priority togive him a purpose and to distract him from his own misery which I doubt he’sgotten over.

Ittook Oz centuries to come out of his pain while it took Qrow Branwen only a fewshort words to put Oz right back into his depressive hole.

Wow! I’m trying my best tonot be furious with Qrow this episode. I sympathize withhim for being angry over Oz giving everyone the impression that they could stopSalem but…I still think Oz didn’t deserve those words.

Asa man who’s lost all four of his children in a past life, finding Qrow and nurturinghim the way he did. I don’t know what the full consensus of the relationshipQrow had with the version of Oz he met but you cannot tell me that Oz didn’tlove Qrow. Whether it was like a best friend or a proxy son or a mixture of both---you don’t get such a reactionlike this from someone who didn’t care about the person who told them thosewords. What a f***ing mess!

Y’know,as an audience member I had my own fair share of doubts about Ozpin. I alwaysfelt like he was hiding something about his past but I never took it to thepoint where I wholeheartedly thought he was an evil or conniving person likeother fans have done. I mean I’ve toyed with the idea of Oz being different in another life but it always returned to the personhe is currently rather than who he used to be, y’know what I mean?

Ozhas always possessed a compassionate charm about him and it’s the main reasonwhy I liked him as a character.

Evenin doubt, I always held onto the belief that even if Ozpin was revealed to be aliar,there had to be a plausible reason behind his actions and it was those reasonsthat would’ve turned the tides on whether I was in Oz’s court or not.

Needlessto say, after V6 C3-4, I am more in Ozpin’s court than I ever was. When Ozpinheads stand up in favour of the old soul using the hastag #OzpinDidNothingWrong,they’re notkidding. Everything about Ozpin’s actions was justified lastepisode. Anything you could’ve pinned on Ozpin, it all fell back to someoneelse but Ozpin.

Did Ozpindefy the Gods and caused the end of the world? No. That was Salem.

Did Ozpin unknowinglycreate Salem and made her the all-powerful being that she is? No. That was the BrotherGods.

Forfuck’s sake, Ozpin has spent the last lifetimes of his life literally trying torectify the mistakes made by others. And what makes the truth even sadder isthat Ozpin is practically the scapegoat in all of this. He’s the one to getblamed for the actions that Gods and Salem did when all he’s been doing istrying to FIX EVERYTHING! That’s so not fair.

Salem’sactions brought about the destruction of Remnant the first time yet Ozma wasreincarnated in order to help prevent humanity from facing the same fate asecond time when he was practically dead during the first end of the world. Hewas no part of that yet here he is the one being forced to rectify it.

TheGods made Salem immortal and foolishly never thought to revoke her immortalityafter they abandoned Remnant, yet everyone and their mother blames Ozpin fornot telling them this information.

Ozpinhas been shouldering the brunt of these burdens for years. It’s no wonder he chose tonot tell the whole truth. Can you imagine the sheer absolute chaos news likethe existence of Salem and the Gods’ Judgement would cause? It would’ve causedworldwide panic and panic brings forth negativity. And what does negativitybring? The Grimm.

Theone thing that Ozpin was guilty of---the one thing he did wrong was not tellthe whole truth. But in spite of this, I, honestly don’t blame Oz for movingthe way he did. His reasoning behind all of it is justifiable. He did itbecause he didn’t want everyone to lose hope becauseright now, hope is all that humanity has left to thwart thedarkness. It won’t stop Salem but it will keep them going until they figure outhow to stop Salem.

Becauseif they lose hope and give in to their negative emotions, then Salem wins.If humanity loses fate in themselves, it will bring forth the Grimm and theneverything will be lost for good. Salem wouldn’t even need to summon the Godswith the Relics because humanity’s hopelessness would’ve caused their ownextinction for the second time.

Iget why Qrow and Yang would be upset but personally, if I were a character inRWBY and I was with the heroes when Qrow decided to apprehend Oz, I would haveturned on Qrow and smacked some good ass sense into both him and Yang with Yang’sown robotic arm. That’s why I’m happy that a character like Maria is with thegroup.

Mariawas me in that moment. I wouldn’t done the same thing as Maria, albeit I would’vethwacked Qrow for daring to hit a child but I would’ve done my best to remaincalm and think logically in the face of tension. I get that lies and theimplication of false hope without a plan is terrible but…I can’t get mad aboutit not when there was logical consideration behind it.

Iget why Oz never told anyone the truth. I get it which is why it sucks. Ittruly sucks.It truly sucks that even after seeing Ozpin’s past, people still turned on him.Yes I know Oz never told anyone that Salem is immortal and can’t be killed; but…that wasn’this fault?! He didn’t make herimmortal? 

Didthey not see everything else?

Didthey not see Ozpin’ssuffering? Did they not see his loss? See his pain? His grief…thefact that he GAVE UP and had to pull himself out of his own grief to focus onthe plan at hand. Did they not see, that even after Oz came up with a plan ofaction to find the Relics and found the Relic of Knowledge, did they not seehis hopelessness afterwards?

Buthere’s the thing that I’m shocked the heroes did not see? Oz knew that Salemcouldn’t be stopped yet…it never stopped him. Oz still came back again and kept movingforward.

Somy curious question is…what made Ozpin regain his hope for a second time? My best guess is that it was the original FourMaidens.

Mindyou, we still have yet to meet the Hermitof Ozpin’s reincarnates. And I’ll bet money that Mustache Ozma, the Inquisitor---theone who discovered the Relic of Knowledge and found out that he couldn’t stopSalem is the one who went onto become the Hermit. Still standing firmly withthat hunch.

 I’llbet money right now that it was the original Four Maidens who renewed Ozpin’shope in humanity and inspired him to create the Vaults to hide away the Relicsfor good while creating the huntsmen academies to train the huntsmen.

Ina way, you can also say that it was Ozma who created the huntsmen since hebuilt the academies. Ozma created the huntsmen so that they could give humanityhope in the fight against the Grimm.

EverythingOzpin has done everything in his power to keep hope alive which...makes it’s very sad to see Oz lose hope again.

 ~LittleMissSquiggles (2018)

[nightcoremoon]

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

[sir-alan-of-trebond]

I'm gonna write a thing because when else am I gonna be inspired except at 2am

I don't really think a lot of people truly understand the toll mental illness takes. I don't think they understand what it does to even the most basic things like memory. I was first hit with depression at 15. I have almost no memory of ages 16-18. I don't remember the few weeks leading up to my 16th birthday (in spite of the fact that I went HANGGLIDING in that timeframe). I remember my 16th birthday only because I remember crying myself to sleep that night. After that I pretty much have no timeframe for anything. I remember drawing dozens of marks on my arm in sharpie because the only alternative I could think of was carving them with a knife. I remember being so desperate for any sort of validation that when a guy who liked me said he'd use the right name and pronouns, but not if front of his friends, because then they would think he was gay, I said "thank you". I remember sobbing outside classrooms and friends dragging me away from them because I was in no shape to go to class, but skipping made me feel so guilty I couldn't do it myself. I remember coming up with the best ways to kill myself and the pros and cons of each. That is all I remember for two and a half years of my life.

Depression has affected me in more ways than anyone who's never had it could understand. I avoid driving alone at night because my mind still whispers that one jerk of the wheel and it would all be over. There are still days where I can't get out of bed. There are still days where I daydream about the quickest, least painful ways out. I used to be able to read a book every day or two, but now I can count the number of new books I read this year on one hand. I used to write thousands of words a day, but now I write less than a hundred a week. Depression washes the joy out of everything, it stalls your life and puts you on hold while everyone else leaps and bounds ahead of you.

There are still days where I can't get out of bed, but what matters is those days are growing fewer and farther between.

Anxiety means nothing I do will ever be good enough. Not even a 100% grade is good enough because there was the option for extra credit and I didn't do it. Anxiety says that I'm worthless if everything isn't 150% perfect. Anxiety says "what if..." And "but..." And "did they really mean that? They probably just don't want to hurt your feelings." Anxiety means that death is better than a B+.

I still hate myself for low grades, but low grades are slowly becoming B-s and Cs instead of A-s.

Autism, while only recently discovered, has been an ever present force guiding my life. It gives me the ability to create beautiful complex things in my mind, but it also takes some of my ability to share those things. It means that I experience the real world best through the lens of fantasy and magic. I understand this because it's like the thing that happened to the golden trio in book 5, or I understand this because that's a bit like how this one character experienced a similar situation...

Autism is not understanding social cues and being told I'm "just too eccentric" for people to like or talk to. Autism is being around a group of people every day for three years and yet not being able to call a single one my friend. Autism is not know what to say or when to say it. It's not being able to speak at all. It's words coming out mangled or in the wrong order or not at all. It's sitting feeling like the whole world is overpowering you and you can't even scream your frustration. It's shutting down when anyone shows the slightest hit of anger, its hiding under the desk at work because managers are arguing. It's being so overwhelmed that the click of teeth in your own mouth makes you cry. It's being so desperately hungry but the thought of eating makes you cry because food is the worst kind of hell.

But it's also being covered in stuffed animals and being the happiest person in the world because this one is heavy AND soft. It's touching everything in a clothing store and the right fabric under fingers is the best thing in the world. It's finding someone who loves your special interests just as much as you and being able to talk about one subject for hours and hours without stop. It's being so full of happiness that you just HAVE to flap your hands or shove them in a jar of slime.

Mental illness affects every nook and cranny of my life and has permently changed everything about me. But I'm winning the fight against it. I'm slowly finding more books, I'm writing every day again, and I'm taking enough of a stand in my life to major in creative writing--my dream since I was 9. Recovery isn't perfect, it isn't fast, and it sure as fuck isn't easy, but it's possible, and that's what matters.

@quantumkaworu this is for you, maybe to help you understand <3

[orbooks]

First Uber, now Tesla: what will it take to really address sexism in tech?

A Tesla engineer in San Carlos, CA, has blown the whistle on a culture of “pervasive harassment”, pay inequity, and retaliatory action by Human Resources

The lawsuit, which comes on the heels of similar revelations from a former engineer at Uber, have left the tech community reeling—and activists wondering what it will take to have a real conversation about the struggle for gender equality in tech and start-up culture.

 In light of Tuesday’s news that a female Tesla engineer has filed suit against Elon Musk’s electric car company for alleged lack of wage equality, failure to advance in spite of high performance, and an all-around persistently sexist environment,1 many in tech and start-up culture have been left wondering what it will take to have a real conversation about Silicon Valley’s gender problem. The allegations come less than two weeks after an explosive blog post2 by a former Uber engineer detailing the company’s sexist environment prompted the ride-sharing giant to order a thorough investigation—but not before other women had come forward with similar allegations, and not before the author of the original post claimed to have been the subject of a retaliatory smear campaign3.

The stories, though they sent shockwaves through two of Silicon Valley’s biggest properties, sound all-too familiar to the writers and activists who have been calling out tech’s thorny relationship to gender equality for years. Below, in excerpts from Lean Out: The Struggle for Gender Equality in Tech and Start-Up Culture, the contributors examine just some of the ways the putatively “disruptive” and “forward-thinking” tech industry is fifty years behind the rest of the country with respect to the people it represents:

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Elissa Shevinsky on why the pipeline isn’t the problem:

The idea that tech has a pipeline problem—one that can be solved by teaching five-year-old girls to code—infuriates me.

It’s awkward to say so. I need to tread carefully here, lest I be accused of bad feminism. I can see the headline now: “#LADYBOSS Against STEM Education for Girls. Also Secretly Hates Pupplies.”

I am, of course, in favor of teaching girls to code. And it is true that there are more men than women applying for jobs and programs in Silicon Valley. But the reason why we don’t have more women in tech is not because of a lack of STEM education. It’s because too many high profile and influential individuals and sub-cultures within the tech industry have ignored or outright mistreated women applicants and employees. To be succinct—the problem isn’t women, it’s tech culture. That’s the issue that needs to be addressed.

The mistake that we have made, as journalists and as readers, is taking the narratives espoused by executives at big tech companies at face value. Sometimes those executives, expressing deep concern about the “pipeline problem,” are women. That doesn’t mean that they are speaking as feminists. An executive woman at a company like Google or Yahoo is just as likely to be speaking on behalf her company—beholden to its quarterly revenue numbers and its many public shareholders.

We all know that there is a “Women in Tech” problem. But the nature of that problem looks very different, depending on our vantage point.

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Katy Levinson on the fear of being labeled a liability:

On two occasions, my employers have offered me bribes to leave quietly because they were worried about sexual harassment claims either slightly before or after dramatic percentages of women either transferred to another department, quit, or were removed. I had not brought any harassment concerns forward prior to either offer. In both cases I have reason to believe I was the only woman offered financial compensation. I have spoken at a professional conference and had about two dozen drunk fully grown men shout-chant at me to take my shirt off, becoming louder and growing more numerous the longer nobody responded to them. Security did nothing, and I was on my own to de-escalate the situation.

…

There is one thing you know about every single person who has ever complained about an act of sexism loudly enough for the public to notice: they worry that they will be seen as liabilities for the rest of their career. No whistleblower has ever been given a “team player” award by the organization they spoke ill of. That shouldn’t be too foreign a concept: people we call whistleblowers who outed the wrongs of government or industry, certainly aren’t doing it for personal gain. In this way, sexual harassment whistleblowing is the same as any other kind of whistleblowing.

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Sunny Allen on the difficult of bucking the boys’ club pattern recognition:

Think about Silicon Valley as a race up a mountain. There’s a suite of traditional prizes, like owning a Tesla and the social currency of tech fame that gets you invited to the best parties. There is the question of which Burning Man camp you camp with, and which corporate cafeterias you eat at. How many fancy bottles of bourbon do you have on a cart next to your desk? Then of course there is the granddaddy of tech wins—the entrepreneur’s IPO. This leads to “fuck you money.”

There’s a traditional way to run the race, too. A boy’s club, although women can join if they do it just right. This involves going to Stanford (MIT is also acceptable) and networking events and joining Angel List and having great recommendations on your LinkedIn profile. At cocktail parties you talk about lean pivots and the importance of a Good Team. You are you and white and gorgeous. Or as gorgeous as nerds ever get to be. You wore glasses until you got lasik. There is a thing called pattern recognition, there is a thing that Venture Capitalists and Hiring Managers look for. And I am not that thing.

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Gesche Haas on going public with the experience of sexual harassment:

I spent many years working on my companies before becoming Internet-famous for being sexually harassed by a VC in Germany. As soon as I came out with my story, I was flooded with letters from other women who had been similarly treated. They’ve asked me… what made me brave enough to speak up? And how did I feel?

…On the one hand, I was proud of my refusal to accept the said behavior—regardless of the potential risks. However, one can only imagine what a huge time-suck in mental distraction and self-questioning this incident provoked. Imagine how painful this felt to an entrepreneur who carefully and meticulously optimizes every second of her life. It drained me. Early on, the email led to many sleepless nights during which I felt conflicted, unable to stop analyzing the situation. Should I do something or nothing at all? Countless hours were spent drafting anonymous blog posts about what had happened. Embarking on this journey, I never expected the story to eventually make its way into the press—but when it did, it went viral. The aftermath was so consuming that my productivity and focus was immensely impacted for several weeks.

In addition to the (unwelcome) distraction from work, I am also the first to admit that becoming a figure in the media’s discourse regarding sexual discrimination had never been part of my five-year plan. Yet, if you Google my name today there is no doubt left that it is now my “claim to fame.” Case in point, you are reading a piece right now about sexism, written by me.

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Further Reading

An excerpt from GAY PROPAGANDA to celebrate National Coming Out Day (10/11/2016)

In Bookforum, Sarah Leonard contrasts the feminist utopias technology once promised to the “sexist hellscape” of Silicon Valley documented in LEAN OUT (3/21/2016)

LEAN OUT named one of the top 100 business books of the year by Inc. (12/22/2015)

ELISSA SHEVINSKY profiled in San Jose Mercury News (10/1/2015)

“That’s why I think everyone who hires or manages anyone in tech ought to read the remarkable book, LEAN OUT, edited by Elissa Shevinsky.” —Venturebeat (9/28/2015)

  LEAN OUT The Struggle for Gender Equality in Tech and Start-Up Culture

Elissa Shevinsky, editor

Why aren’t the great, qualified women already in tech being hired or promoted? Should women seek to join an institution that is actively hostile to them? Edited by tech veteran Elissa Shevinsky, Lean Out sees a possible way forward that uses tech and creative disengagement to jettison 20th century corporate culture. More

1The Guardian, accessed 28 February 2017 2Susan J. Fowler, accessed 28 February 2017 3Mashable, accessed 28 February 2017