#i THINK the anxiety is actually BECAUSE i’ve never had a surgery before but thats TOO STRAIGHTFORWARD

[gender-trash]

waiting uncomfortably in my jeans and a robe in the trans surgery clinic for the surgeon to come and evaluate my boobs in-person

i hope theyre easily removable. i hope theyre not secretly made of adamantine. i hope i dont turn out to have regenerative superpowers that only apply to my tits somehow

[mybeloved73]

My name is Chelsea and I’m a ITU Nurse.

I’m also a newly qualified nurse - I literally left Uni last year and began my job in the September.

My background - I didn’t always want to be a nurse. I wasn’t cut out for that sort of compassion or care. I dreamt of being a PT, an athlete, anything that was sports driven.

Until my boyfriend had a bike accident, that then left him in ITU. He later succumb to his injuries and passed away. The nurses looking after him, changed my life. Shining light kind of moment - I want to be just like them kind of thing.

Granted it took me 4 years to build up the courage, battling my PTSD, severe depression and anxiety to even apply to uni. But I did it - and Sept 2019 I got my Pin as a registered nurse.

Now, if you 1) think covid19 was made up, a conspiracy or the numbers have been made up as a scare tactic or 2) you actually believe wearing a face covering will cause ‘respiratory arrests’ ‘acidosis’ blah... stop reading. Because this isn’t for you. Or even 3) you have the view of ‘its their job’ - back away from your screen.

You’ve seen in the news about the public sector pay rise? That nurses aren’t included, nor the junior doctors, physio’s etc (I use etc as there are so many people being forgotten in all this and it is used lovingly and not to cause offence)? Honestly, Im so glad that others are being recognised for their input and help during this - the teachers who put in extra work for children of key workers, who sacrificed their home life to entertain little ones every day and try give them the education they need and deserve, to the police, military - anyone receiving this recognition. Honestly you deserve it. And the NHS will not shadow that or take it away from you.

We agree’d to a 3 year pay deal, that had the options of being reconsidered earlier than the final date if there was a change in circumstances. Covid19 should really be considered as a change in circumstances. I mean being told that you’re already ‘unskilled’ and watching people clap to STOP pay rises... was hard enough. But to have everyone else recognised for their vital contributions and lay something that was agreed in 2018 - is inexcusable.

You realise that most nurses didn’t get to see your claps on a Thursday? That’s handover time. And due to covid19 if their handover time was earlier - they were usually late because of how busy it was and still missed it.

I saw one. Because it so happened I had come off of nights the night prior.

So! My life during covid19 starts off with the busiest winter that my hospital has seen in ITU. We have 10 beds. We are funded for 7/8? We had to open an escalation centre that we stole from our day surgery unit to give us a further 3 beds.

Which in itself is hard - looking after seriously sick patients away from your actual designated and designed ward and without the continuous presence of doctors.

That wasn’t enough.

We had to then stole half of the recovery room, which usually houses patients post surgery whilst they wake up.

Going up to 16 patients. Remember - at this point. I’m THREE MONTHS qualified.

Learning is hard, steep, and in-depth. You’re suppose to be trained over the course of a year as a newly qualified, with study days and help from mentors etc. I couldn’t attend some of those days because we didn’t have the staff to look after the most patients our ITU had ever seen.

Now I know ITU is hard. I picked it.

I knew what it entailed, well partly.

I have to maintain my patients artificial airway. They either have a tube in their mouth or in their throat.

They’re then connected to a ventilator.

Every single setting on that machine, every button - changes something drastically.

From the fio2, PEEP, PS, PC, TV, MVE, PEAK, RR, PF ratio, ... one button, one alteration or mistake... literally can stop this person breathing. Cause respiratory distress, arrest.. trauma? anything.

Did you know I have to move that tube in their mouth every hour to stop pressure sores developing in their mouth? And I still have to brush their teeth and give oral care?

I have to suction down their throat and clear their lungs? Or suction their actual mouth for extra secretions?

And record all this data hourly.

To ensure that this patient is comfortable with this tube... I have to medicate this patient.

I have to keep them in an artificial coma.

Titrating the drugs to their optimum levels.

Some are measured mg/hr, mcg/hr, mcg/kg/min..

some have limits on maximum dose per hour you can use.

Some have really severe side effects.

Such as noradrenaline. Which can literally cause your fingers and toes to become necrotic.

I have to monitor someone’s glucose - whether you’re diabetic or not, and correct it if needed with insulin or dextrose.

I have to give diuretics but not allow your body to become too negative, I have to give fluid challenges to ensure you’re not vascular depleted.

I can help your kidneys with the use of a dialysis machine. Literally filter your blood of toxins your body can no longer remove without help of a machine. This requires constant blood tests to ensure that you aren’t collecting dangerous toxins or you need additional support from the machine.

I can use a machine to check your cardiac output and interpret it to make sure that you have enough fluid vs a drug that’ll help squeeze your heart instead.

I can read an ECG and tell if you need additional supplements such as potassium. Do further tests for magnesium, phosphates etc. And deliver those.

I can feed you through a tube down your nose, and ensure you absorb it. But it’s okay I can give you medication to also help that - these require me to do daily ECGs though, and interpret the data of your QTC to make sure it’s not affecting your heart.

Now. If that’s not enough. Covid happens.

Now remember our record was 16 patients?

Try doubling that.

We worked in our ITU,

Escalation centre

Recovery - we took the whole thing.

Next - we took over operating theatres.

3 patients in theatre 6

3 in 5

3 in 4

2 in 3

We stole theatre staff, recovery nurses, ODPS, ward nurses, retired nurses, health visitor nurses, anyone we could relocate to help us.

March - I’m 6 months qualified.

I’m now the most qualified ITU nurse in my theatre.

I have people who have never looked after a ventilated patients before asking me for help. Please don’t silence my alarm if you don’t know why it’s alarming. I know it’s loud and annoying but it’s telling me everything I need to know with enough time before I need to panic.

Now - covid patients weren’t just sick. Weren’t just needing help to breathe. These patients were all sorts of ‘new’. Nothing made sense!

These patients COULDNT be ventilated. We needed to paralyse them to literally be able to take over their breathing properly! No amount of sedation worked! Their lungs were fibrous and acting like elastic under tension.

Side note - if your patient wasn’t sedated enough compared to paralysis - they could be silently awake, but completely paralysed. Knowing everything happening to them. But unable to do anything - not even breathe. Every time you start rocuronium you need to remember that. If you’re withdrawing treatment - TURN THE ROC OFF FIRST. And wait before you do anything else.

Back to it. They were so unstable that you try roll them, which we usually do 4 hourly to prevent pressure sores - they desaturated to numbers so low that you would usually see some hypoxia brain injury after.

We couldn’t roll these patients without risking that. So you know what. You don’t roll.

So we couldn’t protect their skin integrity. You just watch them, and feel guilty.

Nursing school 101 - pressure sores are PREVENTABLE. Roll your patient. Skin care and hygiene is your best friend.

Now covid went against everything a nurse knows and holds dear.

Our ITU never had pressure sores. Until covid. Some had grade 4’s.

Maggot therapy.

Vacuum dressings.

These patients were also clotting, and sending off clots to their kidneys, liver, heart, brain. Covid made your blood super sticky!!!!

People were having strokes whilst being sedated, going from fit to multi organ failure in days. I’m trying to save these people, knowing they could possibly wake up with complete left side paralysis? Never talk again? Never be them again?

Now you know about these past medical histories etc?

You realise what that is?

that it could be Type 2 diabetes?

Hypertension?

That was it for some.

None of this thinking they were super sick, with lists longer than my arm, and that’s why they didn’t make it. No.

Literally things that happen with age. Poor diet? That 120/80 you’re happy you got - THATS PREHYPERTENSION.

I was probably hypertensive the entire time with anxiety.

Did you know We had to use the old anaesthetic ventilators. None of us had used those before. Those big bellows you see in films going up and down rhythmically. Those.

That was scary.

I’m use to a single touch screen button (hello modern technology) to deliver 100% o2 if my patient needs it. This has a switch to a bag, a button, dials to titrate o2 with normal air. And if I didn’t monitor the crystals in the bottom my patient would retain their own co2 and I wouldn’t know why.

New found love for anaesthetists and ODPS - these machines are NOT designed for prolonged use. But they helped us keep our patients alive. By literally guiding us and helping us look after the machines so we could do our job.

Now. All of this is made worse by PPE.

I’m hot.

It’s hot.

And intense and I’m working hard because tonight, I have 3 ventilated patients. By myself.

I have a gown on.

2 sets of gloves

An apron

An FFP3 mask

A hat

A visor

And no air con.

But I’ve got this. I can’t do my hourly checks because I am one person.

My super sick patients now have 2 hourly because it is physically impossible.

Where are the other staff?

Sick.

You’re watching these people struggle to breathe on machines and then being told your close friends at work, your mentors, your seniors are spiking temperatures. Some being admitted to hospital. Some not being able to come back to work for weeks.

Some ending up on your ventilators. It’s okay. I’ve got this.

I’m an ITU nurse right?

CPR wearing that get up. Is TOUGH. 27mins. I cried that day.

We lost 3 patients in 12 hours.

I held the hand of so many people as I turned off their ventilators because their families couldn’t be with them and no one should die alone. No one. I tried my best.. and then once my day had finished, I had to come home to my dad who is immunosuppressed. Who doesn’t understand boundaries. “Kevin stay in the other part of the house!”

*knocks on bedroom door with dinner*.

Proning. What an experience that is. And doing it Daily. The complications of that were scary before you even approach the patient.

So I’m going to flip my patient - who has a tube down their mouth to help breath, who is on medication for sedation, paralysis, to keep their blood pressure up.. from laying on their back - to laying on their front.

Seems easy?

Well it’s not. And requires like 8 people.

8 people.

We don’t have enough people as it is. So we now develop a proning team made up of everyone.

There are consultants, there are experts in their fields, there are physios and then I don’t know who else.

Honestly I couldn’t thank these people enough. More people would have died if we didn’t have a proning team. But now, people spent 23 hours laying on their front. Pressure sores on their faces. Potential of going blind? New complications of not being able to breathe we never expected.

We are finally back into one unit now. I’m still less than a year qualified. And I’m still running on adrenaline expecting this second wave. Those still reading, I know you’re thinking that she picked this job.

She knew what it meant.

And you’re right! Give me those complex drug calculations and ventilators. Oh and the scrubs!

But a pandemic? I didn’t pick that. The world didn’t pick that.

Honestly thank you, to the ward nurses - your lives got flipped upside down.

The physios who became best friends.

Consultants who literally got down and dirty with us.

To the domestics who cleaned furiously for us.

OT’s To literally orientate our patients when they’re waking up like 70 days later.

Every

Single

Person

Who

Helped.

Oh communication team made up of medical students, who updated the families because... I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my patient. Not like this!

Matron who literally had to facilitate all this, with people who knew nothing about ITU. Being in ITU. Looking after ITU patients. Whilst her own ITU staff were sick, in hospital, or newly qualified, or working to the point they broke.

To the countless companies sending food, goodies, moral support !! Oh my god that was incredible to come to after not having a break for 6+ hours ... mmm... food!!

Did you know they’re offering support for the nurses to stop PTSD, or anxiety or just to help up digest what we saw? Psychological support for just doing your job?

But it’s okay.

We got a deal in 2018 for the pay.

We got clapped thursdays.

We all know that’s not enough, but we will still turn up for work.

We can’t leave our patients.

We can’t strike.

They’ll always mean more to us than pay. And the government knows that. Abuses that.

540 NHS staff lost their life doing ‘just their job’ - today the NHS staff walked through London protesting, to be heard. To be listened to. To be acknowledged. To be paid fair.

Sign the petition for us. Because we aren’t just here for covid. We’re here for life.

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/316307

And just put your mask on - please - for that hour you go shopping.

I’ve been wearing mine since March 6th. 13+ hour days. Developed a nice grade one on my nose, my friends faces bleeding from using a rubber respirator....

And We’ll be like this for the foreseeable future.

Now that we have the stocks to do so anyways.

Oh and I’m pissed my graduation was cancelled! All that and I don’t get to wear the hat and gown. Bastard virus. (I understand there was more lost but humour me).

Signed, your registered ITU nurse. We will always continue to monitor.

[callsignbaphomet]

🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊🖊

Y'think thats enough pens? Either way I don't expect you to do somethin for aaaaaaaaaall of em lol

Gsudkblbzysuv hun, this is so beautifully chaotic!

🖋 Ginger's a vampire but both of her dads (Lee Grimm and Glenn Grimm) are werewolves (Mist Walkers). Both are trans men.

🖋 Jelani uses male, neutral or female pronouns. Has no preference to which ones someone should use.

🖋 Trevor knows ASL. His little brother was deaf and in his memory he learned ASL.

🖋 Angelus sorta, kinda had a daughter. Ok tl;dr back in the late 1800s he ran into this little girl that was living in the street and tried to steal some money off him but she got caught. He gave her everything he had on him and then she ran off and he lost track of her. Much later he found her again but this time she was a bit older, like 11 years old. They recognized each other and they both went to get a bite to eat and she told him she ran away from home because her parents were abusive. Obviously coming from a similar background he heavily sympathized but he didn't know the first thing about kids but he still took her in. She grew up, married and had kids of her own and those kids grew up and eventually his adopted daughter (her name was Alice) grew old and died of old age. He kept in contact with his sort of grandkids obviously but as his great grandkids grew older and had families and kids of their own Angelus distanced himself. How the fuck are ya gonna explain your sort of adoptivr great grandfather looks like a 20 year old twink? He's kept an eye out on them as a "friend of the family".

🖋 AJ introduced Angelus, Mahmud, Tre and Madison to his favorite hobby: parkour. The five of them regularly get together to free run in places they think would be both challenging and fun.

🖋 Madison introduced Mahmud, AJ, Tre and Xiomara to spelunking and scuba diving as a hobby.

🖋 Sanaa loves and collects windchimes. So Ingvarr modified an alarm clock to make any chime she puts on it chime whenever she sets the alarm. So instead of some jarring alarm she wakes up to a windchime.

🖋 Angelus has an abnormally high tolerance for pain to the point where he won't react to most injuries. This was due to years of having to learn to control his cries of pain because the more he cried out the harder he'd get beaten.

🖋 Trevor holds the world record for longest confirmed sniper kill. Can't be found in any public record but it's in Oracle records and that's good enough for him.

🖋 Jelani (Loke and Jela's grandad, not J lol) and Subira made a spell called "Bright Light". Basically a faint little orb of light that when cast makes anyone near it calm down. It works for regular nervousness, anxiety, panic attacks, anger and so on. It's one of those beginner type spells that barely requires any energy and it can either hover over the caster's palm or it can be "attached" to an object.

🖋 Sunniva (she was Ingvarr's first wife and the woman who gave birth to Loke) is still alive. After she became pregnant she heavily regretted it so that's why as soon as Loke was born she ran away without telling anyone anything. Loke was always told that she disappeared but honestly speaking he never knew her so he has no attachment to her. To him Sanaa is HIS mother and only her.

🖋 Latoya was what you would consider a sickly kid. Someone in another country sneezed and she got sick. Her colds and flus lasted longer than usual and she was a super skinny little girl. When puberty hit she took up sports and when she was 18 she started lifting weights, blew up in terms of muscle tone and got laser eye surgery. Now she's like Rambo in his prime but pretty.

🖋 Abigail is constantly coloring her hair different colors but her favorite is any hue of green since that's her favorite color. She'll also help and color anyone else's if they ask her for help.

🖋 Ginger and Abigail got married on October 13th. Yes, the wedding had a Victorian goth theme to it. Even though they couldn't eat it the cake was red velvet with black frosting and everything. It almost looked like a funeral 'cause everyone was wearing black. I hope to doodle Ginger and Abby in their wedding dresses someday.

🖋 Haakon had a habit of collecting leaves from different countries he visited and kept them safe. Ingvarr and Jørgen both keep journals with leaves of different countries they've visited. They write down the tree the leaf came from, country where they got it from and date.

🖋 Anette can't drive until she's 21. When she was 14 she took Jelani's car, drove her and a bunch of her friends super late at night in winter (from what I've read driving in Norway during winter is horrible), crashed into another car after she lost control, totalled both Jelani's car and the other car and severely injured some of her friends and the other driver. The funny/not funny part is Jela was planning on giving her that car when she got her license but she totalled it. It was BMW by the way. Fuckin' teenager driving around in a 2 year old Beemer lol.

🖋 Speaking of cars. Grete (Anette's mother and Loke and Jelani's aunt) is horribly afraid of driving. She can't get behind the wheel of a car without freaking out. Anette crashing made the fear 10x worse. She can be in a car as long as she isn't driving and the car isn't going too fast.

🖋 During a visit Anette convinced both her parents and Jelani to let her stay with him during the summer. She also convinced both Leah and Xolani to stay over as well. So for a whole ass summer Jelani had three teenagers staying over as a kind of sleep over vacation. It actually turned out fun in the end, the kids had fun and Anette and her rebellious attitude kinda softened.

🖋 Anette, Xolani and Leah have one defining thing in common. None of them know what to do with the rest of their lives. Thing is Leah is very nervous about it, Xolani is kind of aloof about it and Anette is kinda of frustrated about it. Anette is frustrated which leads her to act out and cause trouble. Xolani just looks like they don't care but they do. Leah is super nervous about it. Another thing they got in common is the three of them tend to look up to Loke and Jelani 'cause they feel both understand them better than their parents do.

🖋 Ginger is kinda very obsessed with portals. She's fascinated by them but also respects them as they are incredibly dangerous and unpredictable. She is basically the only person in the world that managed to control portals even if it's for a short amount of time.

🖋 Shaine got really into explosives when she was just a kid. After an accident with a dozen cherry bombs she was left partially deaf, now has to wear a hearing aid and is the explosives expert.

🖋 Before joining Oracle Katya financed her transition by making fake IDs and passports. She also doxxed corrupt government officials and ransomed vital information she got off them.

🖋 Loke is allergic to bird dandruff but would love to have a pet pigeon. At least he can have dogs which is his other favorite animal. His favorite dog is the pitbull.

🖋 Until he got together with Jelani all of Angelus's previous relationships were short and ended in kind of disaster because he constantly compared them all to Jelani and to him they didn't measure up. He ultimately said no to relationships around the 1930s and just fucked around. Obviously until he got shit faced once and confessed to Jelani he was in love with him and the rest is history.

🖋 Tre is one of the super rare seers that can see and feel visions. He's so sensitive that merely standing in an area with a lot of energy could affect him.

🖋 In Oracle there is a head of the organization and two leaders. Current head is Aleksey with Jelani and Angelus as leaders. There's always three as kind of a callback let's call it to when Oracle was started. Aleksey and two close friends started it so from then on there's always 3 leads. When Aleksey steps down Jelani will be head, Ginger will be the second lead and Angelus is the third lead, however he plans on making Trevor the third lead. The reason is because Angelus is fully aware of what he can and can't do and he knows damn well that he isn't lead of an organization material. When he steps down he'd be the Trickster team leader, that he can handle, and since Trevor left a vacant spot Loke would take that spot.

🖋 There is a place called Kironia. It's theorized to be a sort of epicenter for portal activities. Angelus and Ginger have been tasked with keeping an eye on it but it's shrouded in so much mystery most people don't think it's real.

🖋 Despite the fact that Trevor personally knows a Maker and a goddess (Jade, Latoya's girlfriend) he's still an athiest.

🖋 Trevor didn't have a name growing up, he chose the name Trevor because it sounded pleasant. He took his surname, Ravencroft, from a woman he'd heard of from other Oracle agents. He eventually got to meet Morgana Ravencroft, she thought it was flattering he took her name.

🖋 Speaking of Morgana Ravencroft, Angelus was first introduced to the concept of magic because of her. He went with Trevor to help him with some supplies and after being completely hypnotized by some illusions she gave him a book on the basics and helped him get started.

🖋 Loke stopped aging and it's something of a weird occurrence that is brought up every so often. When he was 28 years old he and Jelani (who was 15 at the time) were delivering some supplies to another village. They ran into bandits and as usual Loke was trying to protect Jelani and in doing so he was fatally wounded. Of course Jelani freaked the fuck out and his "fail safe" kicked in. Jela doesn't remember but Loke does, he saw Jelani change form and after dealing with the bandits he turned his attention to Loke and stopped him from dying. He was rusty as fuck so he put a little more oomph behind it and a tiny portion of his energy slipped into Loke. Neither of them know but Loke is basically kinda frozen in time when it comes to aging. So because of this Loke can't die unless Jelani dies.

🖋 Loke has a black feather that's warm to the touch and small embers can be seen floating out of it. He's never mentioned it to anyone and keeps it close to him. The feather came from Jelani when he changed form to fight off the bandits. After he blacked out and changed back Loke found the feather on the ground. He knew where it came from that's why he kept it. He's never told Jelani about that day because he doesn't know what it means and he thinks telling him would only serve to confuse him further.

🖋 Continuing with Loke, he's your average run of the mill berserker. That means he cannot use magic while in berserker mode or even with his weapons. The only ones that can do that are arcanist berserkers (the Nyota tribe). Sanaa is an arcanist berserker, she can use magic while in berserker mode. However, through years of practice Sanaa managed to teach Loke one spell that her people are really fond of. Falling Stars is a spell that has the user charge a single arrow. The arrow is shot upwards and as soon as it reaches high enough it splits into hundreds of arrows that rain down on the target. Loke started practicing when he was 8 years old and by the age of 30 he managed to pull it off making him the first berserker to use magic.

🖋 Jelani and Leah are two of the extremely rare and fortunate people that have gone through a portal and have returned. Whether their return was sheer luck or the fact that he's a Maker is something I'll elaborate on later.

🖋 Haakon knew Jelani wasn't a berserker. Haakon himself had a feeling that his grandson was something far more, if that makes sense. The day Jela was born Haakon had a dream but instead of fear he just felt an insurmountable amount of wonder. He's only ever told his wife, Eli, who in turn believed him. Both always made sure Jela didn't feel out of place and Haakon frequently encouraged him.

[of-faunsandyellowflowers]

I saw in your tags that you've had a tar spirit attached to you in the past? I've never heard of tar spirits before and I'd love to learn a bit about them if you wouldn't mind sharing a bit of info? Also, what was it like? How did you know? Sorry, I'm just super curious :)

@scarletarosa has a really good post that details what tar spirits are that will go into more into depth then I ever could personally. She also has more work with them and getting rid of them and other icky spirits that attach. They are one of the main reasons you need to always ward your room when working with spirits because they are tricksters and can mimick beings that you had intentions of talking to. Their whole purpose is to get you to breed with them, and feed off your negative thoughts/fear...so forth.

But my personal experience....I was actually coming out of being wiccan. I had been wiccan for a bit and realized it wasnt for me, I just didn't like how they set up things alongside how they classified gods. I also do not believe 'light' magic is the only form of magic. You iust....perform magick. Some with a positive intent and others without that. Questioning ones faith is a big thing for them to come cling onto you. I had always been lack on wards then, because I was 4eally questioning things and moving towards satanism instead. Anyway my mental health hadnt been too good. I've always been clairvoyant and able to see spirit (when I'm not blocked off) and started to see a black misty spirit near me. It started out small. The place I worked at was known to have a haunting there, so I assumed it was that. It....was not. The spirit at the market wasnt malevolent. It woildnt ever harm me. This was def different.

Over the next few weeks it made me have more meltdowns (autism), panic attacks so bad that even ativan couldnt help, it was...awful. legit awful. The dark thoughts in my head, the lack of energy even worse than my chronic illness, the panic attacks increasing to such a state that I'd black out at work....and I knew it wasnt my mental health because it felt different. Id hear it laugh at me at times. It made me think it was a demon at one point (again. It wasnt, as demons really sont have time to be attaching to me like that. The majority arent evil) Eventually it got so bad it was causing me to become sicker physically. I developed a raging sinus infection. Like....one where I had to have surgery to get it fixed bad. Polyps were in my airway, holes in my airway. I was so clogged up the doc said i was the worst case hed seen in a while. I even had STAPH infection in my NOSE. And thats what caused the holes in my airway. My IBS was worse, migraines worse, my hearing worse....I could hear voices echo into my head if someone spoke to me. It was reallt scary. Edit: I even felt when it touched me. Which was a very weird sensation like a sticky substance touching me then spreading on me.

It kept taunting me after my surgery cuz I was weaker, and I started to see that black drippy thing more and more. It moved closer, I could make out some details of a 'face', I started to hear it more in my head placing negative thoughts, wanting me to do really bad things. (Ps I am not schizophrenic. I dont have any mental Illness that causes me to hear voices. I simply am clairvoyant and these beings are powerful once they attach. Plus, once I killed it i never heard those voices ever again. Schizophrenia is also very personal to me as I have friends who are schizophrenic and they deserve all the love in the world!) And I knew I had to get rid of it. I still had that sense... so, I used all my energy every night to get it unattached to me. I warded my rooms, I warded myself. I did protection spells on myself, cleansing spells on myself, I did so many different things. Even ones where I would write sigils all on my walls and burn salt. In the end my close friend had to help me kill it off because I couldnt do it alone. It needed to be burned from the other side And when it was dead, I cleansed, and I felt lighter. No more insanity, just felt clearer.

I'll always have mental illness, PTSD, major anxiety, depression, all that. I'll always have autism and adhd. But THAT my friends....wasnt just my head. Someone felt my weakness and fed off of it. Their intentions to breed out more of them. I'm just lucky it didnt get to THAT point. It was close to it though.

I've also seen tar spirits attached to people. They look like this...black blob that moves on shape (can mimic a person) and it drips black substance. We call it tar spirits cuz they literally smell like tar, and look like tar. They feel like a suffocating presence of dark dark energy, like if someone dipped you in tar and it woildnt dry... I've seen one attached to a dude who had no light in his eyes in a walmart once. The tar spirit knew that I knew. The energy surrounding it was incredibly malevolent and he wanted this guy to kill. I could feel it. And it stared af me. I stared at it. It even hissed at me. I clenched my protective amulet and left the store. Went to another walmart.

Tar spirits are evil evil evil spirits. But again, def go to @scarletarosa page and search in her tags tar spirit. She can give you a better description than me alongside the other really shitty beings that can attach themselves to you and make your life AWFUL. Im knowledgable about spirits in general but not to her extent. Shes actually someone I look up to, as a person and as a witch. Shes amazing!

Hope that answered your question...thanks for asking it!.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[softforcal]

Nascar and Neuro : Cashton

summary: You’re dating Nascar!Ashton and whenever he gets injured or even slightly battered in his car, he has to go see Neuro Surgeon!Cal. You and Ash get used to Cal and there’s obviously a spark between all three of you.

word count: 3.5K

warnings: me trying to not be an awkward fuck writing smut. kinky threesome sex, DP, choking, all that jazz. once again, i know nothing about Nascar or actually working in a hospital. 

You waited with the medical team as Ashton’s car pulled up. The car door opened and you ran towards him, throwing your arms over your mans shoulders as your legs wrapped around his waist.

he chuckled and the sound vibrated through your being as you pressed your face against his neck. He had that distinct burnt rubber kind of smell that always reminded you of the track. 

“Mr. Irwin.” one of the medics sighed, “due to the small collision and possibility of whiplash we need to escort you to the hospital for a quick Neurology check with your Doctor.” 

Ashton sighed as he set you on the ground, “fine, but I’m not getting in the ambulance.” 

“Mr. Irwin, you can’t drive until we know for sure you’re not concussed-” the medic began but you held up a hand, “i’ll drive. don’t worry, we’ve seen Dr. Hood a lot. we know how to get there.”

the medic sighed but nodded, knowing he couldn’t argue with you or Ashton. Ashton’s arm went over your shoulders as the two of you walked through the arena to the private parking for the drivers and he tossed you the keys as you got into the front seat.

“are you feeling okay?” you asked, starting the engine.

“my head hurts a bit.” Ashton confessed, letting out a long sigh as he ran a hand through those gorgeous honey curls before his hand came to rest on your thigh.

You drove to the hospital, teasing the speed limit as Ashton grinned at how you drove. he was the professional but he made sure he taught you a thing or two. on your first date he had driven you out to a long dirt road and taught you how to properly drive a stick shift which could have been a super terrible mansplaining thing but with Ashton it wasnt. the pride in his eyes when you figured it out would be stuck in your mind forever because in that moment, on that first date, you knew this was a guy trying to find a partner. an equal. 

you parked and the two of you walked into the Hospital, Ashton’s arm over your shoulder as always.

the receptionists knew you and Ash by now. you came in after most races since Ashton was a target for other drivers, he was the one to beat. there were so many possibilities of neuro issues that Nascar figured they might as well just have a Nuero specialist regular who would know Ashton and know if something was wrong.

and that was Doctor Hood.

Like Ashton, Doctor Hood was young for his profession. which, like Ashton, was a testament to his abilities.

Ash had been seeing him for about a year. the first time you walked into Ash’s room at the hospital, you had noticed how cute the doctor was.

Beautiful tan skin, gorgeous dark hair and the sweetest smile you’d ever seen. not to mention the tattoos on his hands that always made you think he had a wild side and wonder how many more he had.

as the nurse showed you to your room, Ashton took a seat on the bed and you stood between his legs, running your fingers through his hair. “my beautiful race car baby.” you smiled, fingers brushing over his face as he looked up at you adoringly.

“i think you should kiss it better.” Ashton smiled.

“tell me where it hurts.” 

he pointed to his mouth and you smiled before leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. his hands went to your bum as he pulled you closer, deepening the kiss.

a cough made you tear yourself away from Ashton, who tried to follow you with his lips but sighed when he realized you weren’t going to continue kissing him. 

“Dr. Hood.” you greeted.

“i tell you every time, you can call me Calum.” the young doctor said, picking up Ashton’s chart. “so the other car bumped into yours, correct?”

“yup.” Ashton said.

you moved out of Calum’s way so he could come over and check Ashton out, “how are you feeling?” he used a light to check Ashton’s pupils.

“my head hurts a bit.” Ashton answered.

“how about your neck.” Calum asked, hands coming to gently touch the area around where Ashton’s jaw met his neck. 

“necks fine.” Ashton sighed. 

“so you have a head ache. how about dizziness, nausea, sensitivity to noise?” 

“no, no and no.”

“okay well you look to be fine but because of your history with concussions and the fact that i’ve seen you three times this month already, i’m going to recommend that you stay over night for observation.” Calum said, “i’ll get a nurse to bring a cot for you, Y/N.”

“thank you Doctor Hood.” you smiled warmly.

he smiled back, “if either of you need anything, here is my personal phone number, give me a message and i’ll be here as soon as i can.” he handed Ashton a card as he turned and left.

as soon as he was gone you sat next to Ashton on the bed, “i’m going to run home and grab an overnight bag so you can change out of your track suit.”

“you love my track suit.” he grinned.

“it’s true. but there’s no need for you to sponsor ADIDAS right now, i’m sure you’d be more comfortable in your sweats.” you kissed him softly, “i’ll be back soon, okay babe?”

***

you walked back into the hospital, a bag of stuff for you and Ashton in your hands. as you approached Ashton’s room you heard voices and stopped in the doorway to see Calum talking to Ashton.

“is he okay?” you asked, not sure why else Calum would be there.

“i’m fine. just bored.” Ashton sighed, “and hungry.”

“let me go grab you some food.” you suggested.

“thanks babe. i’m thinking pizza.” 

Calum laughed, “you don’t want hospital pizza mate.” Cal came to stand next to you at the door, “look, i’ll go with Y/N and grab you something off the secret menu.” 

“deal.”

Calum’s hand went to the small of your back as the two of you left the room and he directed you down the winding hallways to the cafeteria. as the two of you got in the small line of mostly faculty, you turned to Calum, “he’s going to be okay right? if something was wrong... you’d let me know.”

“a headache could be caused by anything. dehydration, anxiety, you name it. its quite likely he’ll be fine. i just want to make sure.” Calum assured you as he removed his hand from the small of your back.

“so you’ve been Ashton’s doctor a year now and you have no idea how hard it’s been for me to not ask you about these tattoos.” you said, grabbing one of his hands again to look at the letters. “what do they mean?”

“they’re my parents initials.” he explained, “nothing special.”

“no, i love them.” you said, “do you have anymore?”

he laughed, “i do. but i can’t show you them here.”

“maybe another time then.” you answered.

you got to the front of the line and Calum smiled at the lady working who grinned back, obviously Cal was a charmer. “we’ll have three sandwiches from the secret menu.” Calum whispered, looking at you and winking as the worker laughed.

“you’re lucky you have this guy with you, our secret items are VIP only.” she whispered to you.

you pulled out your wallet and Calum held up a hand but before he could say anything you stated: “Calum. i am buying.”

he looked at you, taken aback slightly. this was the first time he’d heard his name on your lips and he liked it.

he knew this whole situation was weird. after all, he was your boyfriends doctor. he had no idea how long the two of you had been together but you’d been together the whole year he’d known you both.

you and Ashton were a beautiful couple. 

from the first visit Cal had began writing down when Ashton had races so he could get himself ready to see the two of you. it was a whole ordeal for him. the waiting sucked but it was always worth it when he walked into that room and was finally able to bask in the sunshine that was you and Ashton.

the things he’d witnessed always made his heart soar, little glimpses into you and Ashton’s relationship. that one time he walked in to see you on top of Ashton on that hospital bed... Calum had been grateful for his long white lab coat and the deserted on call room.

and then walking in on you and Ashton kissing that morning... well, it had almost begun to hurt. 

it hurt because he couldn’t really do anything about it. being a neuro surgeon was hard enough as it was without having a complicated maybe relationship with a nascar driver and his super hot girlfriend. and thats if you and Ashton were even down for it, which he had no idea if you were.

polyamory had been a thing at the start of his residency at the hospital. surgeons never had time to really commit to a full relationship so having more than one lover made things easier. he was used to the idea. but a lot of people wouldn’t be and he was okay with that.

but you were showing interest in the tattoos. and Calum wanted, more than anything, to take this as a sign. a sign that maybe there was hope.

as he looked at your determined face as you paid for the food his heart thumped in his chest and he sighed. “you okay?” you asked, having heard his sigh.

“just tired.” he smiled.

you picked up the tray with the three sandwiches and turned to Calum, “okay, don’t help me, i can find the way back.”

he allowed you to walk a few steps in front of him as you maneuvered your way back to Ashton’s room. you set the tray down on the bedside table, noticing Ashton had changed into sweatpants and a hoodie, “you joining us mate?” Ashton asked, noticing the three sandwiches. 

“unless you have any big shot neuro surgeries or patients-” you began to make excuses for Calum in case he needed an easy way out.

“it’s really against protocol-” Calum began.

“well my head is sort of hurting again so i think you should stay to make sure i’m okay.” Ashton flashed a cheeky grin and Calum laughed, pulling up a chair next to yours and the bed.

“so why did you go into medicine and not modelling?” you asked making Ashton burst out laughing and Cal rub nervously at the tattoos on his hands.

“um... i like taking care of people.” Calum explained.

“you’re good at it.” Ashton said, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

Calum began to relax and he finished his sandwich before he got a message about a neuro consult and had to leave. you and Ashton watched him leave and you sighed, “pretty sure he’s single.”

“it would suck if he isn't.” Ashton said, taking a bite of his sandwich.

“are you sure we’re ready for this Ash?” you asked, twirling a piece of his hair around your finger.

“we have enough love to go around.” he grinned, pressing a kiss against your lips.

“especially for the hot doctor.” you agreed. 

you both finished your sandwiches and you crawled into the bed next to him, sitting between his legs with your back against his chest as his arms wrapped around you. 

****

it was around two AM when Calum exited his surgery. it had been successful and his blood was pumping through his body like he was on fire. as he turned a corner he bumped straight into you and Ashton.

his eye brows furrowed as he steadied you, “are you two alright?” he asked, “why are you out of your room?”

“we were looking for you.” You answered, “are you off work?”

“will be in a minute. was about to head to an on call room for some sleep, next shift starts at seven.” he explained.

“you’re here a lot aren’t you mate?” Ashton grinned.

“on call rooms arent so bad.” Calum shrugged.

“i bet they’re better than the patient rooms.” you said, “how about you show us which on call room you usually go to.”

the way you were smiling was suggestive and your tone confirmed his suspicion. you and Ashton wanted to go to an on call room. with him.

Calum’s heart raced in his chest even more. any other time of the day he might have said no. might have put his work at the highest point of importance. but it was a night shift. and no one was really around. and he was on call anyways...

and damn, that surgery had gone so well and Calum could still feel the adrenaline tingling over his skin like buzzing bees. and then he was leading you and Ashton to his favourite on call room.

the room was off to the side, secluded. Cal knew he was practically the only surgeon who used it. he opened the door and let the two of you in before following, closing and locking the door. 

“wanna see those tattoos Cal.” you said as you pressed your lips against his.

his back hit the door as his hands cupped your face, fingers lacing through that beautiful hair he’s wanted to touch for so long. 

your hands tore off his scrub shirt and your fingers traced over the tattoos on his chest, running down his abdomen and making him groan against your mouth as you teased his skin.

Ashton had come up behind you, hands on your waist as his lips sucked at your neck. his movements earned a moan from you and the sound was music to Calum’s ears.

Ashton tore off your shirt and pushed down your pants. as a race car driver, Ash liked things fast and neither you nor Cal were complaining. 

Meanwhile, Calum reached around you and unhooked your bra, tearing it off you so his hands could explore your body. His fingers brushed over your nipple and you groaned into his mouth, Ashton’s hands pushing down your panties.

Ashton’s lips on your neck drew your attention to him as you turned around to pay a bit more attention to him. You pressed your ass back against Cal’s dick as you pulled off Ashton’s hoodie and pushed down his sweats.

His lips attacked yours as his hands went into you hair, pulling slightly so he could move your head and gain access to your neck. Calum’s hand slipped down the front of your body as he began to rub your clit, making you moan loudly.

suddenly two fingers were in your mouth and you felt Calum’s erratic breath against your eat, “can’t be too loud gorgeous.” 

One of his fingers slipped inside of you as you groaned around the fingers in your mouth. 

“too slow.” Ashton stated as he bent down slightly to lift you up, your legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you over to the bed, tossing you down on it before he kissed down your body, tongue teasing your already worked up pussy. 

your fingers tangled in his curls while Calum watched, still breathing heavily, heart racing. the small sounds you were making were deliciously sinful and it was obvious that Ashton had made you cum by the way your eyes closed and your back arched.

Ashton pulled away from you with a grin, looking over at Calum, “you going to join or what?”

He reached over to his hoodie and pulled out a bottle of lube and Calum realized this whole thing had been really planned out. unless Ashton just carried around lube 24/7 but Calum doubted that.

you opened your arms, beckoning Calum to the bed, “take off your pants and lay down.” you instructed.

Calum opened his mouth, not used to being told what to do. but he followed your instructions, even accepting the condom Ash threw at him,  then he laid down as you got on top of him. your lips immediately attached to his again and his hands went to your waist as you ground down against him. he could feel how wet you were and let out a long moan.

you reached between your bodies, lining him up at your entrance before sinking down. you both just revelled in the feeling for a moments before his hands on your hips urged you to begin bouncing up and down. 

Calum’s head fell back against the pillows as his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling.

You leaned forward and your lips attached to his beautiful neck, biting lightly before using your tongue to sooth the skin.

Ashton had come on the bed behind you and was getting you ready for him as well, when he thought you were good, you slowed your movements and Calum pulled your lips to his to distract you a little while Ashton pushed into you.

you were all still for a moment, letting you get used to the feeling. Ashton gave an exploratory thrust and you all moaned in unison, your fingers digging into Calum’s shoulders. 

they began moving in and out of you at opposite intervals, a rhythm that they picked up almost naturally. one of Calum’s beautiful tattooed hands wrapped around your throat and you let out a devastated whine at the feeling.

a loud smack echoed through the room as Ashton’s hand came down on your ass causing you to clench around both of them. 

Ashton had always had a gruelling, rough, fast pace and you were used to that. But Calum did too. getting wrecked by both of them at once was driving you wild, especially with Calum’s hand around your neck and Ashton hands smacking your ass.

“fuck Princess, i’m not going to last much longer.” Ashton growled from behind you.

“me neither.” Calum agreed.

you moaned louder as their speeds somehow quickened even more, gripping Calum’s shoulders to anchor yourself as their thrusts became sporadic.

Calum let go of your neck and pulled your lips to his, eyes clenching while Ashton’s grip on your waist reached bruising levels. they both groaned loudly as they came, slowing down.

you all stayed in that position for a few moments before Ashton pulled out of you and you rolled onto the bed next to Calum. you were all breathing heavily as Ashton threw his condom away. you and Calum made room for him on the bed as you curled against Calum’s chest, Ashton slipping in behind you and pressing a kiss to your shoulder. 

“how’s your head feeling?” Calum asked, breaking the silence.

Ashton laughed, “fine. i had a bit of a head ache before but it’s gone now.”

“Sex can cure head aches.” Calum mused.

the sound of beeping drew all of your attentions to Calum’s phone, sitting on top of his scrubs, “shit.” he cursed, sitting up, “i probably have to go.” he threw away his condom and picked up his phone, hastily pulling on his scrubs, “okay there’s an emergency so i have to go but you two can’t stay here. do you know your way back to your room?”

“yeah we’ll be fine.” you assured him, standing and pressing a kiss to his lips, “go fix a brain or something Doctor.”

he laughed, a small blush creeping over his skin. he unlocked the door and left while you and Ashton put your clothes back on. Ashton’s fingers toyed with the hem of your shirt, “that was fun.” he mused, kissing you softly. 

his fingers intertwined with yours as the two of you snuck out of the on call room back to Ashtons room where you fell asleep cuddled together.

****

it was morning when Calum showed up, holding Ashton’s file in his hands, “how are you feeling?” he asked, “any head aches, dizziness-”

“nope, i’m great.” Ashton answered.

Calum looked up from the file at the two of you for the first time and he grinned, knowing all of you were thinking about the on call room. it was a dirty little secret and the tension was even worse than before.

“well, you’re good to go then.” Calum sighed.

Ashton stood and the two of you gathered your things, “see you in a month or so.” Ashton grinned as he brushed past Cal.

you followed and smiled, “oh, and nice hickie doctor.”

Calum’s heart dropped as he turned to look in the mirror, noticing the purple welt adoring the column of his neck. “fuck” he swore under his breath. he had just did an emergency craniotomy with a fucking hickie on his throat. 

he watched you and Ashton grin hand in hand and he laughed to himself. the two of you would be back, that much was certain and if the sex was that kinky the first time? well, Calum could only imagine what would happen next time.

[draikinator-archive]

did you self diagnose with anxiety and gender dysphoria? asking because in one of your nate speaks you mentioned you have anxiety and that youre trans/nonbinary

I suppose it depends. Does self diagnosis stop existing when you’ve been diagnosed medically? I knew I had anxiety long before a doctor ever told me I did. Not to get Too Deep into my medical history, but at this point in my life I’ve seen 10-12 different psychiatrists (i keep moving lol). I’ve been diagnosed with depression with anxious distress, social anxiety, and adhd though that’s not all and I’d rather not get into that, but I’ve never been diagnosed with something I didn’t already know I had. Self diagnosis is such a strange, nebulous topic because when I see people talk about it, its always like some end all be all- like, if you wake up with the sniffles, you probably self diagnose yourself with a cold, right? That’s not like... a completely wild thing to do, we all do it all the time. You know the symptoms. The thing is that it might be something else- like, maybe its actually the flu, or maybe something else, but you know what your symptoms are at least, and if you need to, you’ll go to a doctor. 

Anxiety and depression are pretty similar to a cold, in my experience. If you think you have anxiety or depression, you.... probably do. The only real question is whether it’s a symptom of something else or not, or what you might do to work on it, but genuinely 100% i implore you, no matter your age, if you believe you’re experiencing clinical depression or anxiety, you almost definitely are, and you should probably see a therapist when thats something you can do. If you’re young, or you can’t afford it, I understand, but there’s solutions therapists and psychiatrists can offer you you probably aren’t aware of, and it’s something you should put on your to-do list. 

on the topic of diagnosed with gender dysphoria, thats also a weird one. No, because I’ve never asked to be- another thing about medical diagnosises is that things like that, unless you’re seeking treatment you don’t... have to have an official diagnosis? and you don’t have like a Permanent Record a lot of the time, just because one doctor says you have adhd doesn’t mean every doctor you see will know that. I know I’m trans just cuz I know I’m trans, every psychiatrist/therapist I’ve seen for the past decade knows I’m trans, but I’ve never asked for them to do anything about it. Though, I might, since I’ve been looking more seriously at getting top surgery lately and I might want to get a letter depending on my surgeon, but in the US you can also just sign informed consent forms and not need your therapist involved at all.

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

[perhaps-mr-collins-has-a-cousin]

Tagged by @ohbeeone to answer 85 questions about myself, thank you! :)

last

1. drink - peppermint tea 2. phone call - my cousin--finalizing our plans to stay overnight at a local bed & breakfast, just for the heck of it (it was super fun) 3. text message - a photo (from my cousin) of the back of my hair right after she styled it 4. song you listened to - "This Is Not a Test” by She & Him 5. time you cried - About a week ago, and I’m still not entirely sure why. Sometimes you just need to cry for no reason, you know?

ever

6. dated someone twice - I’ve never dated someone once 7. kissed someone and regretted it - no 8. been cheated on - also no 9. lost someone special - yes 10. been depressed - I’m not sure. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - No. (I’m starting to feel very boring, but hey that’s okay!)

fave colours

12. light pink 13. dark green  14. lavender

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Yes! 16. fallen out of love - no 17. laughed until you cried - yes 18. found out someone was talking about you - Not really, other than overhearing my boss talk to her clients about me once or twice when I was out of the room (but she only said very kind things). 19. met someone who changed you - Hmm...I don’t know. 20. found out who your friends are - I never know quite what this question is supposed to mean? 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - I’m not on the Facebook at the moment, but I think when I was I knew all but one of my friends there in real life. 23. do you have any pets - a sweet, strange little toy poodle named Suki and a canary named Sweetie (although both of these pets are technically my mom’s) 24. do you want to change your name - I kind of feel like my name is too elegant to really fit me, but I still wouldn’t change it. 25. what did you do for your last birthday - My parents took me to dinner the night before, and then on the birthday my aunt and cousin came over and we painted pumpkins and it was super fun! 26. what time did you wake up today - 7:30-ish? 27. what were you doing at midnight last night - watching the 1951 Alice In Wonderland 28. what is something you can’t wait for - This darn headache to go away, I’m a little worried I’m coming down with the flu, like this afternoon when I was driving my cousin home I felt really carsick and I was the one who was driving?? 30. what are you listening to right now - clocks ticking and the occasional car driving past 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Why yes, I say hello to Mr. Bombadil all the time when I drive past this really hilly spot that reminds me of the Barrow-downs on my way to work. 32. something thats getting on your nerves - Things feel kind of tense in my household right now, and I’m not sure why, like I’m wondering if some kind of argument happened when I was gone or something? And being around other people’s emotional tension, whether real or imagined, sometimes makes me irritable. 33. most visited website - Tumblr or Gmail 34. hair colour - brown 35. long or short hair - I like both, but the rule seems to be that when my hair is short I want it to be long, and vice versa. 36. do you have a crush on someone - I feel like Febs’ answer very much applies to me as well: “i develop and discard crushes with wanton abandon”  37. what do you like about yourself - I’ve been feeling very not confident lately, so I don’t really know. 38. want any piercings - I think nose piercings are so cute, but I’m too much of a coward to get one. 39. blood type - No idea! 40. nicknames - Jul or Juls 41. relationship status - single 42. zodiac - Scorpio 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - Poldark, Little Bear, Lizzie McGuire, Hannah Montana, NCIS, American Idol (almost all of these are old shows that I used to watch, I guess I don’t watch that much TV anymore?) 45. tattoos - none yet 46. right or left handed - Mostly right-handed, but there are a few things I’m left-handed in (mainly softball way back when I did Little League). 47. ever had surgery - just my wisdom teeth when I was 17 48. piercings - just my ears 49. sport - I don’t really play them or watch them (except for some cycling races that I watch with my dad). 53. drinking - The only alcoholic drink I’ve tried and liked was one of those Mike’s Hard Lemonades; I actually tried a tiny bit of red wine this weekend and it was super gross-tasting, I’m sorry. 54. i’m about to watch - the insides of my eyelids, I’m exhausted 55. waiting for - I’m not sure, but probably something! 56. want - more motivation to eat healthier foods 57. get married - I want to, but it’s not likely and it’s not something I need to be happy. 58. career - hopefully dog grooming

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs 60. lips or eyes - eyes 61. shorter or taller - taller 62. older or younger - older 63. nice arms or stomach - arms 64. hookup or relationship - relationship 65. troublemaker or hesitant - neither (but if I had to choose I would say hesitant)

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no 67. drank hard liquor - no 68. lost glasses - not permanently, but yes 69. turned someone down - I mean...kind of? 70. sex on first date - I’m one of those wait-till-marriage people. 71. broken someones heart - no 72. had your heart broken - no 73. been arrested - no 74. cried when someone died - yes 75. fallen for a friend - When I was a lot younger (like in grammar school haha) I has crushes on a couple boys I was friends with, but now I’m more neurotic than I used to be and the idea of men anywhere near my age knowing I exist gives me the Anxiety and I can barely speak to them, let alone become friends with them, let alone become friends with them and fall for them :/

do you believe in

76. yourself - It depends on the day. 77. miracles - yes 78. love at first sight - probably not 79. santa claus - I never believed in Santa Claus, but I did believe in the Easter Bunny because my friend at school emphatically assured me he was real. 80. kiss on a first date - If I were going to go on a date, I think I would want it to be with a guy I’d already become really good friends with, so...maybe? (But probably not.) 81. angels - yes 

other

82. best friend’s name - I don’t really have one 83. eye colour - depends on the lighting, at different times they can look blue, grey, or green 84. fave movie - At the moment I want to say The Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Like there are things about it I would absolutely change, but I feel like the emotional tone of it is so joyous and alive and it makes me cry happy tears and I just love it. 85. fave actor - I don’t think I really have one?

I’m tagging: @porcelainfeather, @canadiangold, @thenorthlights, @the-stars-descend, @oenothera5, and anyone else who would like to :)

[capseycartwright]

so i did a thing. i wrote a sort of blog post about moving abroad to study. please feel free to ignore it. i would, it’s probably not going to make any sense to anyone who isn’t me. 

four months ago (give or take a few days), i packed my entire life into three suitcases, and i got on a one-way flight to the netherlands to do a masters. in hindsight, it’s probably the most mental thing i have ever done in my life, just upping and going to a place i’d never been, entirely alone, but at the time, it just sounded like my next great adventure - everyone tells you about how wonderful an experience it is to study abroad, how their erasmus years were the best of their lives, and i wanted that, i wanted the year abroad, and the memories (and the masters degree, of course.) after four months though, i feel like theres a lot of things i know now, i wish i had known before i got on that plane in august.

so here i am, writing a blog of sorts about it.

your worries, your anxieties? they don’t just disappear when you move to a new place. i had myself convinced they would, convinced all those things wouldn’t be part of my life in a new country, but they are. it was probably naive, and stupid, really, to think a new place meant a new me, but thats how i looked at it. i felt like i was stuck in a rut, in ireland - i stayed at home for university, lived with my mum and dad while i got my degree - and i figured a new place, a new start, would change me. your worries and anxieties, they exist, regardless of country, university, place, and it can suck, sometimes, it can. new city, same me.

new city, same me. i’ve learned thats not a bad thing at all, actually. i mean, sometimes it is, sometimes i wish i wasn’t such a worrier, sometimes i wish i didn’t always carry this desperate need to fix things, but living here, away from my family, and friends, i think its strengthened so many of the things that make me, me. i’ve always considered myself a very independent person, but living in another country has given me a chance to prove it - i’ve learned how to fix punctures on my bike, and solved more than one bad day i would have relied on my parents to fix, otherwise, and i’ve learned how to manage money better, and all these qualities i knew i had, have sort of finally had their time to shine.

homesickness sucks. i feel like no one pretends otherwise, but no one ever tells you what homesickness is actually like. homesickness is watching my roommate go home every weekend, because she lives close enough to. homesickness is finding a new coffee place, and knowing i can’t bring my best friends there. homesickness is sitting in my room at night, streaming emmerdale on my laptop, and bursting into hysterical tears because normally, i sit with my mum and watch all the soap operas, every single night of the week. homesickness is being fine, ninety percent of the time, until you realise how far you really are from home, and how easy it isn’t to get back, if anything were to happen to anyone i love at home (a few hours on a train, and flight is nothing, when you’re excited to go home for a visit, but its a lifetime when your mum has major surgery and you spend a day sitting by your mobile, praying it went okay, hoping you don’t have a lonely journey to make, because you’re an inherent worrier, and your brain always jumps to the worst possible conclusion.)

sometimes, you feel like you’re missing out on life. i know my friends and family miss me as much as i miss them, but sometimes its as though i’ve stepped out of my life, and they’re all getting on with it, going to places i used to always go with them, having sunday lunch and tuesday coffees in the same places as always, except the difference now is that i’m not there, and sometimes it feels weird - because life moves on, even when you’re not there, and i think sometimes you convince yourself otherwise.

i’m already dreading leaving. despite missing the life i’ve always known in ireland, i dread to think about the day i pack my bags, and i leave here. theres a time limit, on the life i have here, and time runs out in july, and even now, with seven or so months left to be here, to enjoy life here, i’m thinking about how its going to feel to leave, how i’m going to leave a part of me behind here and theres no way around it, not really.

isn’t going to be the best days of your life. the year abroad you see, the one i show on social media, is carefully cultivated - i show you my best bits, the adventures, the wonderful friends (family, really) that i have here. it’s a highlight reel of life abroad - there’s days where everything goes wrong, and you just want to cry, and you do cry, but it doesn’t feel as cathartic as when you cry and your mum is there to hug you through it. the reality of studying abroad is that is it simply, reality, good days and bad days and those weird days where nothing much happens, and the very best days you know you’ll treasure forever.

four months ago, i stepped on a plane to start a new chapter of my life, and despite the things i didn’t know, i’ve never regretted it once, not even for a split second. everything i am doing, and learning, and experiencing here is making me a better me, is giving me memories i know i will treasure forever, wine and whine nights with my friends, christmas markets and parties and brunches and evenings spent with new friends, telling our favourite stories and deepest secrets and drinking cheap jumbo brand wine.

i just sometimes wish someone had given me a little more advice, before i upped and went. or maybe, that i’d asked.

[toasttdaddy]

100 Questions No One Asks Tag? I Guess?

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

To be honest I don’t really care if its open or not. 

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?

Yes! 

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

I sleep with blankets scattered on my body, none of them organized whatsoever.

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?

Nope.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?

Eh, I’m not sure. I like them, but I prefer my arms to write on. I cant forget my arms somewhere, but I can forget a sticky note.

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?

Nope.

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?

A swarm of bees, because bears are afraid of large objects, and run when encountering something large. Im literally a fucking gnome so. 

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?

A few.

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?

Very rarely. 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?

When people chew loudly. Makes me wanna choke them.

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?

Yes. By 8′s. I think its a dancer thing.

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?

Nope das gross.

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?

Nahhhh.

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?

25/8

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?

I used to a little bit.

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?

Zero. I’m only 15. I’m not about that life.

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?

I think its a queen or a double? I should know this.

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?

Would - Alice in Chains

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?

Hell yeah! 

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?

Nope. I never did. I had no childhood.

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?

Probably the Percy Jackson movies. They’re not accurate to the book at all.

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?

I would bury the treasure in a giant pile of legwarmers.

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?

Either milk or water.

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?

Sriracha or ketchup.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

Black beans and rice.

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?

Harry Potter

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?

HAH. No one. 

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?

Nope.

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?

Depends on if people will see my face, and how much photoshop is being used. I hate myself lol.

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?

Probably uh... Shit I don’t think I’ve ever done that.

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?

Nope.

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?

Can’t drive.

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?

If I can’t drive, I can’t run out of gas.

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?

Peanut butter and banana.

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

Cereal. Of any kind. I actually love Raisin Bran. Don’t shoot me for saying that please.

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?

Sometime between 10 and 11.

37. ARE YOU LAZY?

Hmm. I dunno. The other day I laid on the floor for an hour. So Yeah. Very,

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?

I still am a kid. Lets see, I was: A bat princess, a troll, a vampire, a fallen angel, princess belle, a monster high doll, a leopard, a skeleton, and an ewok. Probably more but I can’t remember.

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?

I think this means this thing? I’m a Leo.

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?

A grand total of 1.

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?

Nope.

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?

Lincoln Logs

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?

Not really. I just kinda go with what happens because I have too much anxiety to force my opinions.

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?

Whomst?

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?

Nope.

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

Nope.

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?

Yeah boi.

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Definitely.

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?

Ye.

50. EVER USED A GUN?

No.

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?

School pictures.

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?

Usually.

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?

Nope.

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?

Yep.

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?

Apple pie my dooods.

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

Veterinarian, Teacher, Archaeologist, and a Scientist.

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

Yep.

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?

Yeah its spooky.

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?

I used to but I gave up.

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?

No

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?

No

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?

Sweatpants and a tank top with a sweatshirt if I’m cold. If I’m not, just underwear.

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?

Still haven’t gotten to one yet.

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?

Target.

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?

Nike.

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?

Cheetos bitch. Fritos only work when youre eating chili with them.

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?

Peanuts

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?

Nope

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?

For the past 12 years.

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?

Not really tbh.

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?

Ye

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?

Nope. Almost got into the finals of one but I fucked up spelling foreign.

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?

Yes.

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?

Nah.

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?

Noperoni.

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?

Nope.

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Yep. Right now. Its amazing. 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?

Alice in Chains or Shinedown.

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?

The school chorus in 8th grade.

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?

Cold tea.

81. TEA OR COFFEE?

Coffee

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?

Sugar Cookies

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?

Kind of?

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?

Yeah, unless im doing a flip or jumping into a pool.

85. ARE YOU PATIENT?

Mildly.

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?

Uhhhhh I guess a band, but thats most likely expensive af.

87. EVER WON A CONTEST?

Yeah. It was limbo. 

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?

Nope.

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?

I fucking hate olives.

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?

I can finger knit small tubes... That’s all.

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?

Living room or bedroom. 

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

Yeah boi.

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

Nah.

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?

@spacekidkade

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?

Nope.

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Nope.

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?

Tbh I’d rather have dogs. 

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

Deep purple.

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I dont think so no. If so i’ve repressed it.

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? 

@spacekidkade because why the FUCK not?

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

Kirk and Uhura?

Kirk: Tell me about a time you had to take a leadership role.

Too many times! lol and I hate it ;)

I’ve done it a bit with costume, I did it a bit with my old job. I was class rep last year which Im not sure counts. I dont want to repeat any story about a specific event but I will say this - I think Im good in a leadership role, I get things done, I work as hard as I ask everyone else to work on top of any organisation that is required. But I hate it.

I have anxiety so I dont sleep when Im in a position of leadership, and because of my EDS if I dont sleep I hurt terribly. Every time Ive taken on a leadership role in the past 2 years I’ve had to medicate myself while doing it. 

Almost all of my work is self directed, which isnt leadership exactly but I have to make all the choices and make sure I make the deadlines for every single thing, none of it is monitored. Thats tiring on its own - I dont like being responsible for other people.

Uhura: Talk about the moment you were the most proud of yourself.

I hate to do the “when I passed my exams” but when I passed my btec level 3 I was so fucking proud and Im sure I will be when I get my HND too. The thing is the btec level 3 came right after probably the hardest period of my life. The entirety of the ten years before I’d been depressed. I’d had to take care of my alcoholic mother, battle with depression, anxiety and the symptoms of my eds. Id suffered bullying, abuse from both in and outside my family - I’d lost all motivation and was listless. I honestly do not remember entire years of that ten year gap.

I fucked up my school exams. I tried art school, a couple of times, and either fucked that up or had to stop because of depression/illness.

I was TERRIFIED going into my btec. I actually wanted this. It meant leaving my mother unattended and hoping she didnt kill herself. It meant being selfish in a way for once, living alone again when the time before it went so badly, doing exams again when the time before it went so badly. I thought I’d drown, I was starting my transition at the same time, many members of my family stopped speaking to me. I hated one of my tutors and Im pretty sure she hates me right back.

But I passed. I got a double merit. I got onto the HND and I proved to myself that I could do all the things I was scared I’d never be able to. I proved that I was functional again, even if every day was a battle.

And heres the thing, because I... think this is important and I actually dunno if this will help anyone else but:-

I started to get better because I was selfish. I found what I loved because I wanted out of a place I hated. I have had to reason with and talk to and encourage myself every step of the way and I repeatedly fail to hit the mark. It’s weird to think how much better I’ve gotten when I still feel so terrible but the fact Im functioning, Im here, I’ve had surgery and I still feed myself, wash myself and I actually WANT to go back to class... thats a massive improvement. I never thought I’d be here... and that little certificate I got a year ago is symbolic of all of that. I cant wait to get my HND as well.

[alicedoessurveys]

Alphabet Tag

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, two. But not bad ones and not while I’ve been driving. 
02. Do you have a lot of scars? I have a couple 
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? no 
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? not seriously hurt 
05. Have you ever had stitches? Where? I guess I must have had stitches when I had my appendix out but I was too young to remember

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? no 
07. Are you self conscious of how you look? yes very 
08. Do you put on a lot of makeup? When I’m going out then yes I put makeup on but I wouldn’t say I put a lot on. 
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? No, unless you count getting your teeth straightened then yes I would 
10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? their spirit and personality.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for? I was never grounded 
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i can’t even think about that, literal nightmare 
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? Yes 
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? Take my family away 
15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end? Idk

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? Don’t speak to them 
17. Name a time when you had to be strong. when Ethan left 
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home? Parents used to fight every Sunday when I was a kid 
19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? Thankfully I’m not in school anymore 
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it. Only pets. I cried a lot

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs? Yes I’ve had two jobs 
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? Not at all :’) 
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? totes emosh 
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? No way. As much as I love the idea of having my own place I dont like being home alone at night 
25. How old do you act? Idk, I definitely dont act as grown up as other 22 year olds but then I have times when I act like an 80 year old

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why? i don’t speak to a lot of my cousins, its not that we fell out or anything I just have soooooo many cousins and were not all close 
27. If you had to choose, family or friends? Family 
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?   I can tell my mom anything I just chose to keep some things to myself 
 29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them? I have an older sister. I do get jealous of her because she’s always been the pretty sister and she actually has a job and suceeds at life whereas I’m a 22 year old unemployed girl with anxiety who still lives with her parents and has no idea what to do with her life 
 30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members? every day

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were? 5 ft 7, I’m okay being this height 
32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? nope 
33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? Like I said earlier, it depends on the day. 
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? Yes 
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? Yes

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not? real 
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Bit of both depending on the situation, my mood, who I’m with 
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?   Obviously our actions have consequences but I do believe everything happens for a reason 
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? Yes 
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? Family

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? Yes 
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? Yes, I have hashimotos thyoiditis 
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? Not in a relationship, never have been. 
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? Nope 
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? Think about death more than I should but thats living with anxiety.

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke) ‘Penetrating eyes’ 
47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around? I make people laugh, but I’m also easy to make laugh
 48. Do you cry when you laugh hard? Yes
 49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day! Too many memories with my sis
 50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? I haven’t been in class for years now but I did used to get told off for laughing, I’m a giggler

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school: to learn, to cause trouble or to hang out with friends? To learn and to be with friends 
 52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? Smart, because I’m god with technology and I can quite often answer questions on quiz shows because my brain remembers useless knowledge 
 53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever? I got distinction (highest possible mark in that course) for something I did in theatrical make up class                                                                                     54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher?                                                                                                            I dont know what that means cause I’m not a student..                                    55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)?                                                                                                          History, although I didn’t actually study it but I wish I did

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before? No & no. 
 57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? Yes
 58. Is love worth it? Probably                                                                                                              59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months?                                 No, its none of my business. and if thats what they believe they are feeling at that time then good for them                                                                              60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word?  I only say it to family and people I really do love. I think it gets thrown around too much these days

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? Yes, annoyingly. You can’t really do anything without money 
 62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? Average I think. We have a lot of debts but we still never go without or anything like that. Compared to other people I wouldn’t say we are poor 
 63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? Nope
 64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with? Not gonna lie, id rather win the money (in pounds though cause dollars are useless in UK) because I could help my family, pay for the carpark my church needs, donate some and not have to worry about bills or anything again

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you?                            Like 8, but only because its so important to the world. I don’t like that money is so vital because its something that is so easily lost and peoples lives have crumbled because of money trouble. Its scary.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin? Yes
 67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with? Its not for me, but who am I to judge anyone else who wants to do that. 
 68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that? Nope
 69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? Yes
 70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both! Nice

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? Not that long really, I’m too trusting of people and I get attached quickly 
 72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? If I get the feeling that they trust me, and that they’re a genuine person who actually cares and isn’t just looking for gossip or using me 
 73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? Nope I’m quite trusting I think
 74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? Never. there was someone who I got very close to a few years ago but I still never wanted to do anything like that. We kissed and that was about it but even then I was like nope I don’t like this 
 75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them? i tell my mom the most but theres still stuff I wouldn’t tell her but might tell my close friends. But even then theres stuff that I just wouldn’t tell anyone ever no matter how much I trust them

P – Positive

76. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn’t necessarily end positively? Do you remember the sad times or keep the memory of that person because of the good times? Hasn’t everyone had negative experiences with people.thats just life
 77. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? I guess so 
 78. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? What do you try to be? i swear we’ve already had this question!
 79. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? Yes
 80. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? If so, please explain what it was: one of the worst days of my life was a couple years ago. I was in hospital for 10 hours while they did tests and X-rays and shiz because they suspected I had a blood clot in my lung because I had chest pains and I couldn’t breathe and it was just the scariest day. Turns out I didn’t and I was totally fine, it was either a muscle thing or just anxiety..but if I had never gone into hospital that day they would never had done a blood test and would never had spotted that there was something wrong with my thyroid. also turns out that with my type of throid disease, if left untreated it can cause you to go into a coma.. so yeah I guess something good came out of that horrible experience

Q – Questions

81. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? Try to figure it out then ask for help if I’m really stuck
 82. Do you often question the world and how we came about? What are some things you would like to know about creation? I’m a christian so I believe in God & creation but it still blows my mind. 
 83. Do you think the government is truthful? If you could ask the president one question, what would it be? HA no, I don’t trust the government as far as I can throw ‘em. 
 84. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go?  Depends who it is and what they’ve done
 85. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? who is Banksy?! I wanna know who it is and what they look like :’)

R – Respect

86. How do you show respect? Be polite, have manners, smile
 87. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? Be rude, ignorant, untrustworthy, lie
 88. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? Parents yes. anyone else, it depends if they deserve respect, if they behave in a way that should be respected
 89. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? Im not disrespectful to my parents. We don’t have the type of relationship where they would punish me anyway, they would just laugh it off
 90. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? Just cut them out my life tbh

S – School

91. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? N/a
 92. When will you graduate high school/college? N/a
 93. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? N/a
 94. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? N/a
 95. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? no, no, yes. I dropped out of college like 3 times.

T – Temptation

96. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? Yes
 97. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? Did you do it? I’ve been pressures to drink but I said no. 
 98. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? No
 99. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn’t really know or love? What did you end up doing? Nope.                                                                                                                100. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed?                                                                                                       It depends on what it is. I’m not very good as resisting temptation if its something I really want to do

U – Unique

102. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? No
 103. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? I just wear what I want, what I feel comfortable it
 104. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? Do you do things such as smoke, drink, or have casual sex? Im quite stubborn so I don’t give in to peer pressure
 105. What makes you different from people your age? I’ve never been to a nightclub, never got drunk, never had sex, I’m not in university, I actually like my family

V – Value

106. What’s the most expensive thing in your room? My macbook
 107. What’s more valuable: your life or the lives of your loved ones? Would you sacrifice your life for other people? Loved ones for sure, my life is going nowhere
 108. What is something you value not because it cost a lot, but because it means a lot to you? My teddy I’ve had since I was born. 
 109. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the first thing you would grab? My pets, my family, my laptop maybe if I had time purely because its so freakin expensive and theres no way I could ever afford to buy another one. Id wanna take my whole bedroom with me because its taken me so damn long to get it how it is now and I’m really happy with it
 110. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could possibly happen in the future? Idk

W – Wishes

111. If you had three wishes, what would they be? My health & skinny body back, unlimited money for me and my family, for cruelty & hate to be gone from the world 
 112. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? Loved ones
 113. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? Nope
 114. Have you ever had a wish come true? If so, what was that wish? No
 115. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that’s meant to happen, will happen? Not really, I still make wishes even though I know they won’t come true its just nice to have that hope. I pray more than wish.

(I've just realised theres no ‘x’ and that questions 116-120 are missing..?)

Y – You

121. Are you more independent or social? Independant 
 122. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? Animal cruelty, terrorism, hate of any kind
 123. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? I hope so 
 124. Do you think people are born a certain way, or develop their personalities based on what they go through in life? Develop
 125. Do you think people are generally good ? Everyone has the potential to be good, its about how you are bought up and how you choose to be

Z – Zest

126. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? no. I’m fat, unhealthy, unemployed, single, blah blah blah 
 127. Do you go on FacebookCraze.com to get facebook survey’s and quizzes like this one? nope.. never heard of it..
 128. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? it depends what the change is but I tend to be scared. Change makes me anxious 
 129. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? Nope
 130. What is the most motivational thing in the world? Idk haha

[remedial-wit]

Yaaay! thank you so much to @jessthebooklover  for tagging me! i feel honoured and loved so thank much fren :D

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: milk from my cereal 2. Phone call: my mum 3. Text message: the Group Chat 4. Song you listened to: probably a taylor swift song several days ago idk 5. Time you cried: several weeks ago

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: yes (but they ain’t dead. theyre just gone) 10. Been depressed:  yupppppppp 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Yellow, gold, silver

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: not really 16. Fallen out of love: no 17. Laughed until you cried: oh yeah, definitely 18. Found out someone was talking about you: nope unless you count parents 19. Met someone who changed you: nae 20. Found out who your friends are: yep 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no (i don’t have fb so *shrug emoji*)

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all/zero -- see above 23. Do you have any pets: no but i used to have two guinea pigs

24. Do you want to change your name: nahh

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went ice skating, had dinner at a restaurant, sleepover, watched trashy rom coms, ate food, cah, etc. all that good stuff

26. What time did you wake up: Today? 12:45 approx. usually? if it’s a school day then 7:40, if it’s the weekends then 11:00 ish

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: catching up on agents of shield

28. Name something you can’t wait for: leaving home for uni.

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: last night before bed.

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I can’t decide between m anxiety or depression so can i pls have superpowers. but a cool one. like flying or shapeshifting.

31. What are you listening right now: nada 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Yes. yes i have

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ignorance

34. Most visited Website: Ao3 duhhhhhhhhhhhh

LOST QUESTIONS.

35. Mole/s: yep 36. Mark/s: i don’t think so??? 37. Childhood dream: many things, a patissier, a mermaid, an actress, a paramedic, a surgeon, an artist 

38. Hair Colour: black 39. Long or short hair:  long

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yep ;)

41. What do you like about yourself: my hair and i can be helpful when asked, 42. Piercings: ear lobes 43. Blood type: idk tbh. 

44. Nickname: Beth beth, bumble, methany 

45. Relationship status: on my own... pretending she’s beside meeeeeeeee! ya im single. 46. Zodiac: Aquarius 47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV Show: Agents of shield, supergirl, fairy tail, agent carter, daredevil 49. Tattoos: no, but I want one 50. Right or left hand: right but i was born a leftie but my mum trained me to be right handed. it’s weird. 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: not yet but blue pls 53. Sport: highland dancing, cricket, eating 55. Vacation: Everywhere but mostly Japan and New York. 56. Pair of trainers: nike? idk what this is asking me tbh

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating Currently: nothing but i just ate curly fries 58. Drinking currently: nothing

59. I’m about to: read fanfics. this will always be my answer

61. Waiting for: death 62. Want to: die but also live idk it’s confusing. 63. Get married: no thnks m8 64. Career: Something sciencey or artistic

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: It doesn’t matter but as i am short i say short. 68. Older or younger: same age as me i guess 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: both. both is good. but everyone has nice stomach and arms

71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: both pls. anything. im desparate.  73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both i’d like to think

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope, never been drunk enough 75. Drank hard liquor: nope. i’ve ha rose and cider and a teaspoon of brandy and thats it. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope

77. Turned someone down: nope :C 78. Sex in the first date: never had a date so no 79. Broken someone’s heart: Nah

80. Had your heart broken: Not romantically 81. Been arrested: Not yet ;>

82. Cried when someone died: YES. everytime.

83. Fallen for a friend: ... yes... shh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: not really. like i believe i exist(because i thonk therefore i am)but on a deeper level no. 85. Miracles: yeah 86. Love at first sight: no. that doesn’t really exist... like it ain’t love honey, just attraction 87. Santa Clause: i actually dk. lol 88. Kiss in the first date: Yes sure depending on how much i like them 89. Angels: Yes

OTHER:

90. Current best friends’ names: My sister: felicity, and also Anna, milli, rowan, florence, charlotte, rae 91. Eyecolor: dark brown, almost black 92. Favorite movie: Cap 2: the winter soldier, but also the perks of being a wall flower..

OkAY: so. I’m tagging @deafeningtimetravelgalaxy @yeahbutdoctorwhat @hellopurpletiger @sealands @lenacorp @mellowbutdramatic @jemmasimmouns @xcandyslice @unstrayght @with-a-hint-of-pesto-aioli

enjoy?

[toricrypticice]

Lets get personal

No one tagged me but why not?

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people (Lmao, no)

THE LAST:

1. drink: Iced Tea 2. phone call: My mom 3. text message: “?” 4. song you listened to: Pretty Girl -Cheat Codes X CADE remix 5. time you cried: 7:35 pm today  6. dated someone twice: yes 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yep 8. been cheated on: sort of 9. lost someone special: yes, I lost an important friend as of kind of recently. :( 10. been depressed: yep right now but I’m getting help  11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12-14. - Maroon, seafoam green, and Teal.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: Yeah and they all are pretty great (≧▽≦) 16. fallen out of love: kind of  they broke my heart once and I was stupid enough to get back with them only to realize I had gotten over them between the time we were apart. 17. laughed until you cried: Yes XD 18. found out someone was talking about you: not really no one does. 19. met someone who changed you: Mmm, yes. in real life and online. 20 found out who your friends are: yeah, a lot some people don’t stay I guess and some are closer than others.  21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yep 

GENERAL:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them except two actually  23. do you have any pets: Not myself but my family has four cats who I love but I want a dog 24. do you want to change your name: Ehh unsure yet I like Tori but I also like Marsh. A lot of my friends call me Marsh.  25. what did you do for your last birthday: Well the day of my birthday not much I mean we had something I picked out for dinner. But two days before my B-day I hung out with my other family and they got me a cake, brought me out to eat, and walked on the beach with me. I missed them a lot.  26. what time did you wake up: Today around 3 but went back to sleep until 9 am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Chilling on my phone, mostly instagram and Snapchat 28. name something you can’t wait for: FOR ME TO GRADUATE  29. when was the last time you saw your mom: today at 3 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Money issues. I wish we didn’t have to constantly worry that we might lose the house and the roof we live under. 31. what are you listening to right now: A fucking Spotify Ad (ಠ ∩ಠ) oh wait well now Broken Strings by James Morrison 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yep,  33. something that is getting on your nerves: A lot and really there is no reason. Acne, my body, my anxiety, my depression, summer school (눈_눈), and of course my family. 34. most visited website: Youtube 35-37. lost questions?? ?Wat 38. hair colour: Naturally brown but dyed partially blonde 39. long or short hair: Short but growing it out  40. do you have a crush on someone: Right now no but I kinda wish I did. 41. what do you like about yourself: Creativity 42. piercings: None (my ears closed on me) 43. blood type: Fuck I don’t know lmao 44. nickname: Tori/Marsh (Tori short for Victoria, Marsh short for Marshall) 45. relationship status: Single 46. zodiac: Taurus 47. pronouns: Any 48. favourite tv show: hmmmmm idk I don’t watch much but I like the classic teen titans not the sucktacular new one, oh and Steven Universe is super good. 49. tattoos: Nope    ....But doesn’t mean I won’t be getting some ฅ•ω•ฅ 50. right or left handed: right 51. surgery: nah 52. piercing: wat....this was already a....aw whatever 53. sport: Sports don't agree with me. I mean I’m good at frisbee and badminton, other sports are fun but I’m not the best. I do like watching Hockey and Ice Skating though. 55. vacation: Nah my family doesn’t have the money. We never go on vacation. 56. pair of trainers: .....oh this is talking about shoes XD.... I was like trainers who gets two and why is this a common thing. lmao welp guess I answered that with a big fat nope!

MORE GENERAL

57. eating: thirty minutes ago 58. drinking: Been drinking a lot of over sugared ice tea, monsters, and water lately. 59. i’m about to: Push all my clothes onto the floor so I can chill on my bed instead of chilling on the floor.  61. waiting for: this shouldn’t be a hard question but somehow it is, uhhhh oh for all my friend to be free so we can get together I wanna go to Quassy for $0.50 cent night 62. want: To get to my goal weight :P 63. get married: I do XD   I hope to meet someone that I can hangout with to recharge There’s a Youtuber I watch who has a great relationship with his wife. I want that. 64. career: I’m so unsure. Being a YouTuber has been a huge interest but everyone shits on that along with my acting dream so I guess anything to do with art  65. hugs or kisses: I love both but I do like hugs a lot even though I act rather stand offish I appreciate hugs

66. lips or eyes: i think it depends on the person honestly, but probably eyes 67. shorter or taller: Hmmm I don’t know   it doesn’t matter to me I don’t get why people say they NEED someone who is taller. If the person is sweet, acts like a child, enjoys games, and loves movies they are my kinda person.  68. older or younger: I don’t know I like people who are rather mature but can also horse around 70. nice arms or nice stomach: Eh Don’t care much for either. 71. sensitive or loud: Both, and they need to know when loud is appropriate and when it isn’t, because I have no patience for immaturity in that way. Idk maybe that’s just me 72. hook up or relationship: Relationship. I don’t think I can hook-up because I’ve been realizing I’m pretty sure I’m on the demi-sexual side of things. Plus i don’t know a hook up just seems terrible. You hook up and give someone a part of you and then you never see them again I don’t know maybe its just not for me. 73. troublemaker or hesitant: i prefer someone who is hesitant, but with a slight troublemaker streak because I am very hesitant myself. Yeah as long as we don’t get arrested/expelled/fired I’m up for it. 

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nope. 75. drank hard liquor: Yep but just a sip  shhhh 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: Yep and then you can’t find them because you need glasses to see but thats what you lost. 77. turned someone down: Yeah, but it never gets any easier I just feel so bad cause I know what its like to be on both sides. Both sides are horrible. 78. sex on the first date: NOPE!!!! 79. broken someone’s heart: Yeah God I felt so bad :(    But I think they are over me, we are still friends.... but I still feel bad.  80. had your heart broken: Yeah twice and both times were horrible 81. been arrested: No and I hope it stays that way 82. cried when someone died: Yeah but not usually when I first get the news it takes awhile before it sinks in. I’m bad with emotions. 83. fallen for a friend: Yeah all of them. They all didn’t work though :P

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: Not really, I rather mean to myself but kinder to others. but I’m also a jerk at times to people I care about.  85. miracles: Uhm. Only because I’ve seen some, tbh.  86. love at first sight: Kind of.  87. santa claus: Nah man its not possible.....wait unless he’s a wizard OH SHIT___!!!!! 88. kiss on the first date: Maybe, idk, probs not, but there’s a chance. 89. angels: not really I don’t believe in god sooooo 

OTHER:

90. current best friend’s name: Mikayla and Michelle   They are the closest people in my life.  91. eye colour: blue/green with a brown ring around my pupil 92. favourite movie: UGh I can’t really choose, I love movies so its super hard. like there are musicals, dramas, romance, thriller, animation, comedy- I could go on forever. My favorite movie changes. Right now its Winnie The Pooh Piglet’s Big Adventure but tomorrow it will most likely change. Dude I should watch that. 

Who’s Tagged? (I chose most of them randomly)

@seashell-calling @theauthorolive1215 @i-ship-septicplier @i-did-it-because-i-can @elentori-art @konoira @queer-coffee @planet-pastels @peachymints @ethan-works @lemememeringue

[balarsen22]

Therapy 5/2

We started off talking about the weekend, and how roller derby went. I had just found out that the rankings went from 207 to 130 because of how well we did, so I was pretty happy about that. I talked about how I was really feeling the pressure, that if I didn't play well Hurt would replace me and I’d be benched. I was trying to force myself to have fun. She asked about my mood over the weekend, and when I said ups and downs she asked if there were actually any ups (because usually I say that and then take it back and say more like flat and downs). There were one or two ups, but I did have a couple of bad downs too. I  admitted that I didn't make the calorie goal on Saturday night, and told her about the after party. She asked more about who was there who knows how much I struggle with that situation (megan, emily, and maybe shannon?), but I ended up leaving because I couldn't stop shaking and people from the team noticed. She got stuck for a little bit about me taking that much Xanax. She said that this week we’d let that I didn't hit my calories that night slide because I was completely stoned and overdosing on xanax. I commented that its no where near the dose I would need to overdose- I’ve calculated it, so I know. Apparently she was just joking about the overdose part... She asked more about how much I use xanax, which I try not to. I’ve had to use it more lately though. She told me I can't be taking that much, a She asked more about what goes through my head when I’m panicking, and I struggled to find the words to explain it. Eventually I came up with that if there was a thought bubble over my head, it would just be filled with exclamation points. I just really struggle with crowded and loud situations. She seemed to have a lightbulb go on in her brain, and asked me about if there was any tastes, or textures, or smells that set me off while she grabbed her laptop. It’s so hard for me to come up with a list of that stuff off the top of my head, but the smell of alcohol and the smell of cardboard set me off too, and being touched by people I don't know or if I’m not ready for it. Then she asked me a bunch of questions from whatever survey she had to confirm her idea, of which I ended up answering true to most of them. It included statements like “I am very sensitive to caffeine” and “other people’s mood affects me” and “I am easily startled” and “when I compete or am observed while performing a task I become so nervous that I do much worse than I would otherwise,” and a whole bunch of other statements I never really thought would be related. And then she told me I am a highly sensitive person. She seemed really excited to have figured it out. She explained that its when a person has hypersensitivity to external stimuli, a greater depth of cognitive processing, and high emotional reactivity. That there’s no treatment for it, but being aware of it can help. She disclosed that she has it as well- she struggles with textures, and bright lights, loud music or the windows down in the car, and similar things like that. As she talked, it all seemed to click for me. How much I have always struggled with noises especially, but also how I can get overwhelmed, and how other people’s mood affects me. She said it often gets overlooked as someone just being an introvert, as its rare that an extrovert has the trait (but she's one of the rarities). I started thinking back to TK, and how much everything affected me there- the dining hall, the fans, the fact that I was constantly surrounded by people who were upset or struggling. She said that it gets worse when we don't get enough sleep, so it makes sense that it gets worse when I’m sleep deprived. The sensitivity to caffeine being linked surprised me, but it fits. It also explains why I don't do well at bars or parties, and why the xanax didn't help. It can get mistaken for anxiety a lot of the time, or turn into anxiety, but its a different type of trigger. She asked why I even went to the bar in the first place, and I explained that I didn't want to miss out on things. I was frustrated with myself and wanted to make myself do it, and it was a team thing and I would've been the only one that didn't go. I had to at least try. She said she understood, but its probably best for me to avoid those situations. She was so pleased with herself to have figured it out. 

She changed the subject back to mood, and said that it was the beginning of May and we had said we were going to re-evaluate what I was going to do this summer at the beginning of May. She asked me to consider where I was and how I’m doing now. I’m still not doing great, but I’m not as bad as I was. She asked me to look at what was different- am I not going as low, is it longer in between, etc. I think I’m still going that low, but I’m not staying at the deepest part for as long as I had been. There’s also more time between the really low points. I also can't tell if thats because I’ve been numb a lot lately though. She asked what I was going to do, and I brought up that today was the one year anniversary of when I was admitted to TK, and that I have been thinking about residential a lot lately. I’ve concluded that I’m either going to get better or I’m not, but I’m not willing to drop everything again for something I don't believe can help. The only thing that would get me to go back would be if I end up in the hospital. She said that I almost did and I didn't go, but I argued that I would've gone if she had told me I had to instead of staying with Megan. I mean, I was in the flipping car on the way to the hospital when she called me back. She assumed that was what I meant, but I was more thinking that if I ended up in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt I would go (I didn't tell her that though). She asked me what I would do if I was hospitalized at the end of summer. As much as I don’t want to, I would take a medical leave and the year off of school, if it came down to it. She seemed satisfied with my answers, and agreed to keep working with EMDR and neurofeedback and to see how I do. 

We changed subjects to eating disorder day. She said that she was going to assume that weighing was going to be 0 again, and I argued that I haven’t weighed in a month now and I should be able to. She said that she didn't want my eating disorder freaking out on me right before finals, so she was going to make the decision this week and keep it at 0, but we could revisit the idea next week. She asked me what I go up to, and I said how I’m not exercising as much this week because of taper before the half marathon on sunday, and that my hip and knee and shoulder are still super sore from this weekend, so I shouldn't have to really go up much. She argued that I’m still doing the same amount of exercise, but just squeezing it into one day, and that I need to eat to prep for the half marathon. Which I know I do, but not that much the entire week when I’m being lazy and resting. I commented on that it was so much food and that I feel like I’m just constantly eating all the time, and I’m eating when I’m not hungry, and she told me that if I ate foods with higher calorie content that I wouldn't have to eat so often. Doesn't she realize that those foods aren't safe? She joked that she imagines me eating like 3 apples a day and just constantly eating fruit. I also said that its painful a lot of the time- she asked if I meant emotionally, but I meant physically. My GI is all messed up. She commented that after years of restricting and abusing laxatives and diet pills, its bound to be a little messed up and it will take my body some time to rebound and get back to normal, but that she is sorry I’m in pain. She brought the conversation back to my goal number for the week, and when I couldn't decide she told me to just say the number on the count of 3. She really wanted me to do 1800, but I  decided on 1750. She called me a brat (while smiling about it though), but wrote it down. 

She asked me if I had re-tested Jake’s kidneys yet, which I havent, but I told her about how worried I had been when she stopped eating last night to go outside. Thankfully she was just full- apparently Megan (roommate) had left a bag on the ground for awhile when I was gone to surgery lab that had a loaf of bread in it, and Jake ate the loaf of bread. She failed to mention it to me until I asked if she had thought Jake seemed normal earlier. I was pretty pissed. Jessica talked about how her lab eats everything too. I learned a lot about her again today- she’s definitely been telling me more about herself lately than she used to. Its nice. We ran out of time, and I brought up that I was surprised she didn't ask me about the therapy homework- I had been stressing and worried about talking about it, and seriously considered cancelling knowing that we would be discussing it. I said she was going to have to end up reading it anyways, because she wasn't going to get me to say it out loud. She joked that now she really wanted to bring it up now that she knows how uncomfortable it makes me, and that she definitely would've made me read it. I retorted that she would've gotten the abbreviated version and not the actual journal entry. She asked if we should do it thursday or just next week, and I said that I’m all for putting it off another week. I left, but realized later that it will probably tie in to what we’re doing in EMDR on thursday, so it will probably come up then. joy.