#i CANNOT wait until sonic movie 3

[tophthedaydreamer]

just rewatched sonic movie 1 and MAN we have come so far

[welcome-to-green-hills]

We are OFFICIALLY three months away!😎

[causalityparadoxes]

No because what do you MEAN theres a finished teaser thats being shown privately but not publicly. You cant do this to me

[misscammiedawn]

I love the Sonic movies and cannot wait for Sonic 3 but gosh it's so funny to see "the only blue line that matters is my taint" Sonic from the video games versus the US Military funded Paramount version of the character.

SA2: Sonic jumps out of a helicopter resisting a wrongful arrest where he will be illegally held in an off-shore detainment facility that was used to torture and torment a scientist until they executed him.

Movie Sonic: Jumps out of a helicopter acting as an agent for that same military organization under the cute squad name "Team Sonic"

I'll enjoy the movie just fine but as always my fascination is "how can Paramount tell the storyline of SA2 without upsetting their military contracts?"

[deltastra]

My Sonic Movie 3 Predictions

So I initially planned to make this post AFTER my SonicxShadow Generations post.

Unfortunately life happened and I'm still writing that.

AND I won't be able to watch the movie until 3-4 weeks after the release date...

So, here are my predictions for Sonic 3. Stuff I believe will happen, how likely I believe it will happen, and why I believe so.

UPDATE: I am aware that recently, the movie's plot and post-credit scene got leaked. So I just wanted to state that all of this was written on the 14th of December when there were no leaks. I am not hinting anything or spoiling the movie. If you have seen the leaks, please avoid confirming or denying anything on the list as you may spoil the movie for people who are interested.

THESE ARE JUST PREDICTIONS. NOT SPOILERS

Super Shadow (VERY Likely)

Shadow will live (Likely)

Dr. Eggman's fate will be ambigious again (Likely)

Gerald is immortal and will drop the goofy persona in the final act (Somewhat Likely)

The ACTUAL Live and Learn song will play (Very Likely)

Maria won't be shot (Somewhat Likely)

Team Heroes will betray G.U.N (Somewhat Likely)

Time Travel may be involved (Likely)

Amy and Metal Sonic for post-credit scene (VERY Likely)

As for my opinions on it and why...

If you have no knowledge on Sonic outside of the movies, then consider this a spoiler warning

Super Shadow (VERY Likely)

Okay let's get the obvious out of the way. This is happening, we all know it. Not much to say. He will probably go super with Sonic and stop the Ark or something...

Shadow will live and learn (Likely)

It's important to remember that at the end of the day. The Sonic movies are FAMILY movies. So, I highly doubt they would kill a fan favourite like Shadow or confirm him as dead. Also, if they plan on making more movies, they may need Shadow.

However, I won't mind him being for one movie only, it could feel more impactful. But I understand many may disagree with that.

(Off topic but I hope Sonic says "Sayonara Shadow the Hedgehog")

Dr Eggman's fate will be ambigious again (Likely)

Now, this may sound like a weird prediction to make but bear with me here. I'm not saying that it will be unclear if he dies or not at the end of the movie like at the end of Sonic 2, but rather, it will be unclear if he continue being the villain for future movies. I believe this for two reasons.

Jim Carrey's retirement plans and the ending to Sonic Adventure 2.

Jim Carrey's retirement news has been very wishy-washy. It certainly seems he will return whenever he wants to but that means the writers cannot confirm his presence for future movies because of this.

This also pairs well with the ending to Sonic Adventure 2

I believe Eggman will have a moment with Tails similar to this scene. For Jim Carrey's Eggman, this scene will show the ambiguity of Eggman's actions for the next few movies. He will talk about Gerald and we will be left wondering whether he will turn over a new leaf.

(Tho, I do not know for sure what will become of Gerald by the end of the movie, since he wasn't executed. Not a fan of that change, but I will keep an open mind.)

Speaking of Gerald...

Gerald is immortal and will drop the goofy persona in the final act (Somewhat Likely)

To be honest I dislike the "Goofy villain suddenly gets mean and serious near the end" cliche. In fact, I do not like the idea of a goofy Gerald even if he is just pretending because it doesn't feel like he will emit that feeling of insanity birthed from grief.

And yet...I feel like that's where the movie is heading so it's best I learn to deal with this possibility so as to not ruin my enjoyment.

Let's talk about the immortality thing instead.

HOW ON EARTH IS HE STILL ALIVE?! I believe in the movie's universe, Gerald did eventually discover immortality using Shadow. But instead of handing it over to G.U.N, he used it on himself and went into hiding, waiting for the day he can get revenge with Shadow.

On paper, not only does this sound like the most probable, ITS ALSO KINDA COOL? Sadly the "Goofy Gerald" act throws me off sorta.

The ACTUAL Live and Learn song will play (Very Likely)

With the reveal of the ending song being "Run It", a country pop song, many have began to doubt if Live and Learn will actually play in the movie. I believe it will.

Instead of the ending credits, the song will definitely play during the final battle which eventually leads to Shadow's sacrifice. I know it's just baseless speculation on my end but the reason why I believe so is because of how much they advertise the movie as a love letter to Sonic fans in interviews. It would be crazy if they didn't add the song.

I believe that they will add the Sonic Symphony's version of the song. I listened to the symphony's version and it genuinely sounds fitting for a climactic showdown on a movie-scale.

I will still keep my expectations low because we may just get a orchestral version of it instead....fingers crossed though!

Maria won't be shot (Somewhat Likely)

A common joke among fans is Maria getting shot. I see it online and I feel like it's become kind of a flex that the Sonic Movie will have such a scene. And it feels like so many people are convinced it WILL happen. I do want that scene because it highlights the core issue with G.U.N and how far they'd go.

However, the reason why I also believe the scene will not be shown is due to censorship and how they've gone from clearly insinuating how she died, to keeping it somewhat vague.

Take a recent game like Shadow Generations for example

No guns are shown, and if they were, it would be hard to see. But the implication was still there due to the gunshot sound.

But before, they wouldn't be subtle about it.

I don't know how they'll kill off Maria in the movie, but I hope its at least G.U.N's fault that it happened. No "accidents".

SCU G.U.N soldiers do carry guns so maybe they might imply the scene. But I would also not be so surprised if they changed it. I just hope the change makes sense. In other words, I hope the movie still treats her death how it was meant to be treated. A tragedy caused by those in power.

Please...PLEASE...do not glorify or excuse G.U.N's actions SCU...yea that's my main concern so that's why my next prediction feels more like a cope...

Team Heroes will betray G.U.N (Somewhat Likely)

Adventure 2 centered around Sonic getting falsely accused by the military and even getting captured by them for a while.

Hence, this is not only a prediction, but also a hope for the movie.

It's very obvious that in the SCU, Sonic works with the police and the government. He does it to be the "hero" of Earth, Knuckles and Tails follow him. Many people are upset over this and I agree. It feels off for Sonic to work WITH authorities or support them in any way.

But the thing is, Sonic is not really a static character in the SCU. He learns and grows. So I genuinely think that Sonic will work with G.U.N for the first and second act, then betray them in some form after learning the truth.

It doesn't need to be a big betrayal by Sonic, but rather a "I'm not following orders" mindset from him.

Time Travel may be involved (Likely)

This is a common theory, not a fan of it but it seems likely that it will happen. Look at all the damage that's caused. I feel like that volcanic area was destroyed land.

Not only that, the Moon was sliced, I don't see the movies keeping the Moon destroyed. It doesn't feel like the SCU want any "point of no return" for anything (I don't know if consequences is the right word here).

If they do time travel, I hope it isn't too hammered in. Maybe just a slight change to justify the climax without taking away any of the emotional impact. But I still wouldn't be a fan of it.

Amy and Metal Sonic for post-credit scene (VERY Likely)

Yea I feel like they're going to take inspiration from Sonic CD for the next movie.

It may be possible he will be created because Sonic gives a quill to Eggman in the first trailer as a deal. Which leads to Eggman creating Metal Sonic.

With the introduction of Metal Sonic, I don't see why they wouldn't introduce Amy (Then again they are adapting Adventure 2 without her or Rouge so...).

Oh but I also recall that those who attended the premiere said that the post-credits scene is "better" than the Shadow Reveal in Sonic 2...

Is it really going to be Silver? Nah, I still think it's Metal Sonic and Amy.

I don't believe Silver will be introduced right after Shadow because it would feel too similar to Shadow. Hedgehog vs Hedgehog. So why not place Hedgehog vs Robot Hedgehog in between?

I definitely won't mind if Silver and Blaze are in the post-credits scene though. Knowing that Sonic Team planned Year of Shadow with the movie as the grand conclusion, it makes me hope they make it a regular thing for other characters. Year of Silver? Sounds fun. Any character getting a year will be fun.

Conclusion

Geez this took a long time to write...but I'm glad I got all my predictions out now.

I do want to clarify something. Reading my post again, it seems that I'm speaking about the SCU in a slightly negative tone.

I won't say I dislike the movies. I'm just cautiously optimistic. I don't expect 1:1 adaptations from them, and I'm pretty sure Hollywood execs like to get in the way of creativity sometimes in order to focus on profit.

There is also an issue of target audience. The movies, at the end of the day, are for families. They're family movies and kids are the target audience. THAT'S NOT A BAD THING. It's just the reason why I don't expect too much, the plot still has to be quick and easy to follow. It can't be TOO dark either.

However, while I do look at the SCU as just "enjoyable spin-off media", I genuinely like the movies and I am excited to see what Sonic 3 has in store!

[kageokami21]

Found both of these guys at Walmart today, and I cannot believe that I did! (I actually had no idea that Metal Virus Sonic was a Walmart exclusive until today 😂) I'm still a little in disbelief that I found these guys and was able to snag them for myself. But Metal Virus Sonic especially because he was the only one of his kind sitting on the shelf in Walmart. I almost can't believe that nobody else snatched him and he was just there for me to take! (You know what I mean 😝) And I actually hadn't even really planned on getting Metal Virus Sonic because I wasn't keen on his figure design. But guys, when I saw him sittin' there on the shelf as the last of his kind, I couldn't leave him there 😂

And coincidentally enough, I hadn't even really planned on getting the 5" movie 3 Sonic either bc of the same reason - wasn't a fan of his design. But half of me has been wanting to get him just so that I could pose him with my movie 3 5" Shadow fig. And now I have him, and I can do just that. And arrgghh, I can't wait to try out some epic poses with the two of them! 😁

[prism-empurress]

okay. so. sonadow. fucking love it. what hasn't been said already about it? Dude they MIRROR each other. They're two sides of the same coin. You literally cannot have one without the other. if you remove one half it'll just replace itself with the same thing.

is there a more perfect pairing than Sonic and Shadow??? Shit, I mean, even as friends, they're so good...

Sonic's all about being yourself, having no worries, pushing on, and going fast. Shadow on the other hand is all about being more than your parts, your past, .....there's a third thing but it's not coming to me right now, if you know what it is, please reblog with it, thank you, mwah <3

I cannot wait until I can see the 3rd Sonic movie, I can't wait to see how they'll interact. I will straight up cry if Shadow smiles and learns what friendship is in the movie.

okay i think I've said everything I needed to say but I feel like this is a babbly mess... if you make sense out of any of this you get to have the rest of my coffee drink.

[tireddovahkiin]

I am afraid it has happened...

I'm back at my...

KNUCKLES ERAAAAAA!!!

YEEEEHAAAAAAAAW👹👹👹

I just finished watching Sonic Movie 2 yesterday, it was a blast, and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT FOR SONIC 3 THOOOOOO SHADOW COME BACK HOME-

I was just about to be sad bc I liked Movie Knuckles so much, hes such a lil cute dumbass BRUHH😩😩😩😩, and just when I was to get that post movie depression, bc there would be no Movie Knuckles content until the Third part comes out-

BOI WAS I WRONG-

THEY MADE A SIX EPISODE LONG KNUCKLES ONLY SERIES???? HELLOOOOO???

IM BINGING THAT SHIT STARTING FROM TODAY

GIVE ME THAT FOOD- *MUNCHING NOISES*

I love my hotheaded badass of echidna EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(Sonic Media Frandchise hyperfixation is back baby)

[tuxedokit]

1) WHY ARS TOU AWAKE

2) Sonic 3 is just "I can fix him" @ shadow

1) sun burn keepig me up :(

2) YEAH I SAW THAT YEAH YEAH YEAH IM LITERALLY SO EXCITED IM SCREAMING AND THROWING A FIT I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL SONIC MOVIE 3 I JUST CANT

[thecreaturecodex]

Gyaos Juvenile

Image © Lluis Abadias. Accessed at his Twitter here

[Commissioned by @majingojira​, based most closely on the version of Gyaos from the 90s Gamera trilogy. The Gyaos are the enemies that have appeared in all incarnations of Gamera, and it’s not hard to see why. The original Gamera vs. Gyaos is the best movie of the Showa series, and the hook of “what if Rodan was also a vampire” is a pretty good one. Since the Kaneko films made Gyaos a flesh eater instead of a blood drinker, I went in that direction. But I still included a few references to the 1967 version of the monster, both in flavor text and abilities.

And yes, this means that “kaiju, Gyaos” is forthcoming. But considering how many people have commissions with me at the moment, it will be a while before it posts. Stay tuned!]

Gyaos Juvenile CR 14 NE Magical Beast This avian reptile has membranous wings growing along its arms and strong hind legs with talons. Its leathery hide is reddish-brown in color. Its skull is shaped like an arrowhead, a wedge flattened on top with an underslung jaw filled with small, sharp teeth.

The gyaos are a biological weapon devised in an ancient war. They are superficially pterosaur-like, but their anatomy has a variety of strange quirks—they have glowing patches that burn red when the creature is distressed or badly injured, their eyes can move independently in their sockets from one another, and most notably, they are always hungry. The more a gyaos juvenile eats, the more they grow, eventually reaching the size and strength of a kaiju. In this form, a gyaos can begin to lay eggs, which hatch into more gyaos in a matter of days—a single monster can become a global plague in a surprisingly short period of time.

A juvenile gyaos in combat is remarkably agile and mobile despite its size. They fight from the air whenever possible, making hit and run attacks with their claws and teeth, or firing lines of slicing sonic energy from their maws. Against a single opponent, their typical strategy is to grab it in their claws, carry it to a secluded area, and devour it. A gyaos juvenile can heal its wounds, but it requires rapidly metabolizing its own body to do so—only a well fed gyaos can accomplish this feat, and most wait until they are out of combat to do so.

Gyaos juveniles are vulnerable to bright lights, and so are nocturnal. They hunt in aggregations, but these are competitive, not cooperative associations. Juvenile gyaos have even been known to turn on and eat each other if they are hungry enough. During the day, they retreat to caves, deep forests and other dark shelters. They are not site-specific or territorial, roaming over great distances in search of flesh.

Gyaos Juvenile         CR 14 XP 38,400 NE Huge magical beast (air) Init +9; Senses darkvision 120 ft., Perception +12, scent Defense AC 29, touch 18, flat-footed 19 (-2 size, +9 Dex, +1 dodge, +11 natural) hp 200 (16d8+112) Fort +17, Ref +19, Will +9 Immune sonic; Resist acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10; SR 25 Defensive Abilities evasion; Weakness light blindness, light vulnerability Offense Speed 30 ft., fly 90 ft. (good) Melee 2 talons +23 (2d6+9/19-20 plus grab), bite +23 (2d8+9) Space 15 ft.; Reach 10 ft. Special Attacks breath weapon (1d4 rounds, 80 foot line, 14d6 sonic, Ref DC 25), devour, mobile grappler Statistics Str 29, Dex 29, Con 25, Int 4, Wis 20, Cha 22 Base Atk +16; CMB +27 (+31 grappling); CMD 47 Feats Dodge, Flyby Attack, Improved Critical (talons), Lightning Stance, Mobility, Power Attack, Skill Focus (Stealth), Wind Stance Skills Fly +18, Perception +12, Stealth +11 Languages Aboleth (cannot speak) SQ metabolize, sprint Ecology Environment any land Organization solitary, flight (2-6), flock (7-12) or swarm (13-40) Treasure none Special Abilities Breath Weapon (Su) The breath weapon of a gyaos juvenile ignores the first 10 points of hardness of any objects in the area. Devour (Su) Whenever a gyaos juvenile consumes 16 HD worth of creatures, it gains 1 growth point. It gains a bonus equal to its growth point total on attack rolls, CMB rolls, saving throws and skill checks. Its maximum hit points increase by 10 for each growth point. For every 2 growth points it gains, its natural AC bonus and SR increase by 1, and its breath weapon deals an extra d6 of damage and its length increases by 10 feet. For every two growth points it has, it gains +1 to its CR. When it has 6 growth points, and again when it has 12 growth points, it gains the giant simple template. When a gyaos juvenile has 16 growth points, it transforms into a gyaos kaiju. Light Vulnerability (Su) A gyaos juvenile takes damage from searing light, sunbeam, sunburst and similar spells and effects as if it were undead. It does not need to save or die when exposed to a sunbeam or sunburst. Metabolize (Su) As a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity, a gyaos juvenile can expend 1 growth point to gain the benefits of a regenerate and cleanse spell. This growth point is lost, reducing the gyaos’ bonuses as appropriate, but the gyaos cannot reduce in size category due to this loss. A juvenile gyaos can use this ability up to 3 times per day. Mobile Grappler (Ex) When a gyaos juvenile succeeds in a CMB check to move a grappled opponent, it may move up to its speed. Sprint (Ex) Once per hour, a juvenile gyaos can move up to 10 times its fly speed on a charge.

[we-rate-tmnt]

I request: Leonardo. Please and thank you 🙏.

Idk if everyone loves Leo or if my header and avatar just remind everyone about this amazing blue boy. (This one’s super silly btw. I’m just sillier as time goes on. Character development I guess?) 

The iconic leador Leonardo (1987)

Bro idk why but I loved this Leo. I have a tiny memory, especially with this version but I clearly remember that I thought he was the funniest and the coolest. I mean, he had swords, what was I supposed to do as a 7-year-old. NOT like him??? Anyway, while Raph was the best at insult comedy, I think Leo had the best puns and punchlines. I really like how nonchalant this Leo is compared to his iterations, going along with really silly ideas and having fun along the way. But because of this, his leadership is a little forced at times, he seems like such a chill and fun dude that when he gets serious, I have to squint and ask ‘are you Leo? Or were you just putting on act a moment ago?’ Or my perception is entirely warped over time. Either way, good turtle boy, could have used some work tho. 5.7/10

Here comes grumpy lad wooo this is all read very monotone btw Fearless Leader (2003)

What. What the fuck happened. I was actually so confused when Leo turned really angry and serious and almost manic. I thought that episode when he popped into Casey’s window and was like ‘Hey bitch lets go beat the shit out of some lowlifes’ I was WOAH THERE BUDDY BACK UP BACK UP BACK TF UP. It was so sudden to me and when it was finally explained, it made some sense??? Like yeah, character development is great an’ all but this ain’t it chief. I can’t imagine what it was like having to wait for these episodes to release one at a time. Bc I watched every episode back to back on Youtube and I was genuinely bamboozled. But when you have an experience like that where guilt is weighing down on you from a situation you couldn’t control, it would’ve been HELLA HELPFUL to have at least a flashback, like a line saying ‘I was so useless!’ at BARE MINIMUM. Like right after Shredder is booted off to Planet Zula, Donnie would notice that Leo didn’t seem all that happy and would ask why and Leo would get upset and yell at Donnie saying that ‘You wouldn’t understand’, ‘You don’t know how I felt, how I feel because of that’, etc. Like you don’t even have to say he felt guilty or helpless, just give us something to grab onto. We’re merely six-year-olds who thought they could climb the YMCA rock wall in easy mode but instead the script riders harnessed us up on the hard one and wouldn’t let us come down until we rang the little bell at the top. I think that is the only problem I had with his Leo. The sudden change of calm and decisive to angry and irrational was so jarring that it felt unnatural without that crucial context. If you want a surprise reveal, at least hint at the reveal (like just about every Disney movie with their ‘twist’ villains) not wait until the very last moment. I think this might be my least favorite Leo and I think the season where he stood out the most and seemed the strongest was Fast Forward (Which was GOOD FIGHT ME), especially in scenes with Dark Leo, his clone. He sees so much of himself in Dark Leo but he also sees something he had once grasped (AKA the poorly written character arc, I CANNOT stress how bad I thought it was). Although, I honestly think he’s a really good character and he’s a pretty neat guy. However, this score is entirely held up by Fast Forward and his connection with Usagi, sword bros to the end of time. 3/10 (2 for FF and 1 for Usagi)

And now a Leo that makes me genuinely feel UWU Leo (2012)

I cannot stress how much I like this guy! Like his design is so appealing, his dedication, his obsession with Space Heroes, like I FUCKING LOVE IT. And everyone knows, that shit with Karai, at first when they didn’t realize they were related, I can let slide but kajsdflksadf what even like why did the writers feel the need to add in more ‘love interest’ implications like yuck yuck yuck. The only two interactions with Leo and Karai that I really like are when Leo defeats her using the healing hands technique and when Leo has a goth/emo/punk/idk I’m new here phase and they team up and EXPLOSIONS. He was introduced to us as being incredibly naive and his idea of leadership is from some old cartoon that’s basically star trek but ethically questionable. After his fights in season 1, to the finale with the technodrome, you can see his growth. He’s able to formulate plans and make life or death decisions. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. When Leo got hurt, I felt like the oof sound effect mixed with some tears I normally shed at some Shojo manga bs. While the episodes following were super weird, it was a nice way to help Leo recover, not only physically but spiritually (Although I don’t remember the spirit arc at all except the epic Raph vs Fishface fight, so we’re skipping that). When Master Splinter really died, you could tell there was a huge impact on Leo, but he had to remain stoic and lead the family now. A lot of heartbreaking moments in this series came from Leo and I’m glad they took at least some thought into developing him. Tiny head Leo will haunt my nightmares, but the giggly fanboy will warm my heart constantly. 6/10

I only have one word for this Leo (Heroes in a Half Shell: Blast to the Past)

This is a super crazy bad idea accent on the super crazy bad part have I mentioned it’s also a really terrible idea/10

Okay, spoiler alert, didn’t really think this Leo was that grand Leo (2014/2016)

Painfully average. He didn’t stand out that much, Raph was part of the focus and had that touching scene at the end, Donnie was ICONIC and Mikey (with his weird-ass eyes) was super lively and funny! Leo? Uh, I don’t remember a single line he said. Because he never really grabbed my attention, I don’t have too much to say on this version. The Raph and Leo fight felt forced and the whole ‘keep this stuff that could turn us human a secret’ was pretty pointless and was added just to cause drama, I don’t even remember what that Splinter and Leo conversation was about. Design-wise, really neat! You can see some more traditional Japanese clothing/style mixed with modern (I’d feel a lot better about this assumption if some could tell exactly what the heck he’s wearing, but I get traditional Japan warrior vibes from it) in his look which was super neat! Other than that, if you like him, please tell me why because I don’t get. He was just kinda eh. 5/10

AHHH MY BOY YASSS WHOOO!! Neon Leon (2018)

Okay, I loved Ben Schwarts already from Parks and Rec but like him being Sonic AND Leo, like DUDE. He’s super funny by himself but teamed up with this shows writing and animation, it makes it hilarious. I literally love this Leo so much, maybe because we’re alike but honestly, he’s amazing. I love his design with the red and yellow crescents accenting his skin and livening up his color pallet. He has a very healthy and natural dynamic with his brothers, he’s the first to know what’s wrong and tries his best to make up for his actions. This is really prominent in the most recent episodes, along with the episode portal jacked. In both, Leo is separated from his brothers. Portal Jacked is in a more literal sense, while Air Turtle handles in more of an emotional sense. While both are brief, Leo sees his error and tries his best to make it up to them. I love his dynamic so much and it’s so nice to see something like this compared to the unnecessary drama and tension between the brothers in the previous series. It’s refreshing and this is something a younger audience needs to see; instead of fighting, it’s better to work together and improve yourself along the way. Improvement is a big theme for Leo here. He’s a goofball, makes jokes at every opportunity and isn’t quite skilled at fighting or using his weapon. But he grows over time, he learns to manage his power and he’s working on mastering it. He’s trying to put aside his narcissism more and focuses on his family. I think the approach they took with him rising to leader rather than slapping it on his forehead was the goddamn best decision they could make. He’s making plans, finding loopholes, helping out and getting out of his comfort zone. I cannot stress how well this show has handled Leo, along with the other characters. I can’t wait to see more episodes about his growth and I am awarding him with one of the greatest honors I could give... 10/10

Storytime: I drew a super cute 2012 Leo, you should look at him. Shameless self-promo, but you should follow me on my main blog bc I’m nice and I draw pretty pictures. Also. I have a little 2012 Leo Happy Meal toy??? I think??? guarding my window and he’s been there for YEARS. I need to bring him in and refresh his paint job.

Wow! I didn’t expect this many requests for Leo, so the blog will be momentarily spammed with the requests, but it shouldn’t be too much! Up next should be the last turtle (Mikey) and then we can get to some REALLY great requests I’m eager to answer. As usual, please comment and reblog! I’d love to hear your opinion!

[thefloatingstone]

We’ve gone from Self-Isolation to Quarantine and in some places to gradual relaxation phases, but that doesn’t stop the need for more nonsense you can watch on youtube while you wait for things to get back to normal. And recommending things and making lists are some of my favourite things to do but I have not yet figured out how to start or structure a video myself, you guys get another rambling tumblr post of things you can watch on youtube.

This time I’m once again just gonna recommend individual videos rather than full channels like I did in part 2.

Part 1

Part 2

In no particular order; 

LOCAL58: The Broadcast Station that Manipulates You

I recently started watching the Nexpo channel when I went on a binge of creepy youtube videos. Most of his videos are really good although the ones where he himself goes into theory crafting can be a little asinine. However, this video is REALLY good. And before you get nervous, LOCAL58 is not a real TV station. LOCAL58 is a youtube channel created by the same guy behind the Candle Cove creepypasta. This video by Nexpo covers the various episodes of LOCAL58 and discusses them. Just be aware going in that this is abstract horror, and will probably get under your skin regardless if you’re unaffected by certain topics or not. although cw for suicide mention.

I also recommend most of the rest of this channel, although be careful where you tread. I don’t recommend his series “Disturbing things from around the internet” as it can sometimes include real life crime, abuse and such caught on security cameras. Everything else is really good tho. (although I was really annoyed by his 2 videos on KrainaGrzybowTV)

The Search for D.B. Cooper

LEMMiNO has a new video out covering one of the most unexplained crimes in the past century of the US. LEMMiNO is the guy I’ve recommended before who did videos on the Universal S. He is very down to earth and not someone prone to conspiracy or even really that fanciful of thinking. (He’s like the one person I feel covered the Dyaltov Pass incident and was confused by why this was even a mystery because if you read the Russian Autopsy reports and documents associated with the case it’s all pretty logical and easily explained)

D.B. Cooper is the name given to a man who, in 1971, hijacked an airplane with a bomb, asked for a large sum of money, and after receiving it, parachuted from the plane and was never seen or heard from again.

The Austrian Wine Poisoning | Down the Rabbit Hole

Down the Rabbit Hole also has a new video out, this time covering the Austrian Wine Poisoning event from 1985. A scandal that involved literally the entire country of Austria, affected multiple countries, and forever changed the way wine was made world wide. As someone who is generally pretty allergic to most artificial substances this one made me personally very angry. But luckily, it has a happy ending and a better world for us all... if I could drink wine which I can’t do anyway.

The Turbulent Tale of Yandere Dev - A Six Year Struggle

The Right Opinion is another channel I only recently subbed to after watching his cover on Onion Boy. I put off subbing to him simply because of his channel name and I thought it meant he would come across as smug and elitist. Luckily this seems to merely be one of those “I chose a bad channel name and now I’m stuck with it” type of situations. (IHE has a similar problem).

Anyway, I have a weird interest in bizarre internet personalities, so I’ve been enjoying his channel as he simply discusses and presents a timeline of events of certain individuals. In this video, he covers the developer behind the much maligned Yandere Simulator. It’s a tale of hubris, arrogance, immaturity, and an unwillingness to accept your own shortcomings due to ego.

Oh and there’s a meme game about Japanese school girls with anime tiddies in there as well.

The Most Relaxing Anime Ever Made | Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō

Kenny Lauderdale is a youtube channel which is slowly becoming bigger which I’m very happy to see. He exclusively covers anime and live action Japanese television no younger than the mid 90s (as is the case with YYK) and which usually never saw a release outside of Japanese Laserdisc. I do wish his videos were a little longer, but if nothing else his videos serve as an excellent starting to point to find some older and underappreciated shows... or hot garbage fires. In this episode he talks about the 2 OVA episodes made based on one of my favourite manga, Yokohama Shopping Log. A Post apocalyptic anime about an android who runs a coffee shop outside of her house, and the quiet solitude of living in a world of declining human population, brief encounters with travelers and other people, and just... existing. The anime was never released outside of Japan and is only available on Japanese VHS and laserdisc.... but hey guess what!! Somebody uploaded both episodes, subbed, to Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2HCVOH6DtA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqSTwfkobME

YMS’ slow descent into madness as he uncovers just how bullshit the Kimba Conspiracy is

I’m linking a full playlist for this one.

YMS is busy planning his review on the “live action” Lion King remake as the original 1994 movie is probably his favourite movie all time (and also self declared what made him a furry). As part of the 2 hour review, he decided to what all 2000 hours of Kimba the White Lion just to mention how The Lion King potentially stole the idea. ....until he actually watched all 2000 hours of Kimba and realised that if you actually WATCH Kimba, it has VERY little to do with the Lion King at all apart from having the same animals in them because AFRICA. Watch as one man slowly loses his mind as he realises just how stupid this conspiracy theory is, just HOW DECEITFUL and straight up LYING people can be. People who write BOOKS. People who teach LAW AT UNIVERSITIES. Because NOBODY bothered to actually watch the entire show and just parroted the “Disney stole this” lie which got started by like 2 salty fans on the internet.

The man set out to just mention how Disney stole an idea, and uncovered one of the most infuriating rabbit holes on the internet. Screaming for SOMEONE to provide him with sources or evidence.

YMS will be publishing his full Kimba documentary this month which he has said is around 2 hours long before he continues to work on the Lion King one.

Science Stories: Loch Ness eDNA results, Poop Knives, and Skeleton Lovers

TREY the Explainer has a video giving us some updates in Archeology from 2019. In this video he discusses the findings of the eDNA results conducted on the Loch Ness to see what animal DNA the lake contains which will tell us what living animals currently inhabit the lake, ancient knives made of poop and if this is a real thing that could have existed, and a skeleton couple found buried together which were at first thought to be lovers, then revealed to be both male, and then how in this instance we cannot let our modern sensibilities dictate what we WANT this burial find to be, but to look at the evidence as presented to us and place in context finds of this nature. The worst thing an archaeologist can do is look for proof to a theory they already have.

The Bizarre Modern Reality of Sonic the Hedgehog

Super Eyepatch Wolf is back and he’s here to talk to us about the very very strange existence of Sonic. a 90s rebellious “too cool for School” answer to Mario, a lost idea as the world of video games changes and culture shifted, a meme and punching bag amplified by a unique fanbase and poor quality games, a transcendence into a horrific warped  idea of what he once was, and modern day and where Sonic and his fans are now. As usual Super Eyepatch Wolf knocks it out of the park.

Kokoro Wish and the Birth of a Multiverse: A Lecture on the Work of Jennifer Diane Reitz

I don’t even sub to this channel as I’m not entirely sure what Ben’s usual content is about. But every now and then he has a “101″ class, where he explains to a room full of his friends in a classroom setting (complete with Whiteboard) an internet artist and oddity, the timeline, and what it is they have created. (wait... didn’t I say this already?). Unlike TRO however, the 101 classrooms are not a dark look into disturbed individuals (although the CWC 101 is debatable) nor is it a “lol look at this weirdo” dragging. Instead, of the 3 he’s done so far, it’s usually a rather sympathetic look at some of the strange artists on the internet who through some way or another, left a very big cultural impact on the internet space through their art. Sometimes they may not be the best people, but their work is so outside of what we’re used to seeing that just listening to him run you through these people’s internet history is fascinating.

In this episode he talks about Jennifer Diane Reitz. And although it is titled Kokoro Wish, the lecture is more about Jennifer’s larger work back in the early internet when being a weeb was unheard of, how being trans influenced her stories and characters, and her world building that is so rich and in-depth with it’s own ASTRO PHYSICS it puts any modern fictional world found in games or movies to shame.

Jennifer is not exactly a nice person... and in many ways can be seen as dangerously irresponsible, but she created something truly unique in a way that you kinda struggle figuring out if it’s terrible or a work of genius.

Anyway I think that’s enough for now

[i-watch-too-many-movies]

Top 50 Songs of the 2010s

50. JPEGMAFIA- "I Cannot Fucking Wait Until Morrissey Dies"

49. The Regrettes- "I Don't Like You"

48. Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile- "Continental Breakfast"

47. Against Me!- "FUCKMYLIFE666"

46. Beyoncè- "Love on Top"

45. Noname- "Don't Forget About Me"

44. Gorillaz- "On Melancholy Hill"

43. Sleep- "Sonic Titan"

42. The 1975- "The Sound"

41. The Highwomen- "Highwomen"

40. Johann Johannson- "Mandy Love Theme"

39. Carly Rae Jepsen- "Run Away with Me"

38. Weezer- "Do You Wanna Get High?"

37. Grimes- "Oblivion"

36. Algiers- "Cry of the Martyrs"

35. FKA twigs- "Two Weeks"

34. Ariana Grande- "thank u, next"

33. LCD Soundsystem- "I Can Change"

32. Idles- "Colossus"

31. Roger Neill- "Santa Barbara, 1979"

30. Daughters- "Less Sex"

29. Kids See Ghosts- "Cudi Montage"

28. Sufjan Stevens- "Wallowa Lake Monster"

27. They Might Be Giants- "Let's Get This Over With"

26. Taylor Swift- "Style"

25. Weyes Blood- "Movies"

24. Frank Ocean- "Nights"

23. Denzel Curry- "Clout Cobain"

22. Code Orange- "Kill the Creator"

21. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds- "Distant Sky"

20. Julia Holter- "I Shall Love 2"

19. Purple Mountains- "Nights That Won't Happen"

18. Daft Punk ft. Paul Williams- "Touch"

17. Solange- "Cranes in the Sky"

16. David Bowie- "I Can't Give Everything Away"

15. Tegan and Sara- "BWU"

14. Kendrick Lamar- "Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst"

13. Sun Kil Moon- "I Watched the Film The Song Remains the Same"

12. Alvvays- "Archie, Marry Me"

11. Kero Kero Bonito- "Only Acting"

10. Paramore- "26"

9. Janelle Monáe- "Make Me Feel"

8. Car Seat Headrest- "(Joe Gets into Trouble for Using) Drugs with Friends (But Says This Isn't a Problem)"

7. Deafheaven- "From the Kettle onto the Coil"

6. M83- "Midnight City"

5. Lingua Ignota- "I Am the Beast"

4. Death Grips- "Centuries of Damn"

3. Lorde- "Liability"

2. Mount Eerie- "Soria Moria"

1. Kamasi Washington- "Truth"

[whisker-biscuit]

In the Name of Science: Chapter 3

Fandom: Sonic Movie (2020)

Rating: T for unethical experimentation, implied violence and gore, and implied torture

Summary: Tom and Maddie didn’t make it in time to rescue Sonic from Robotnik. Hopefully it’s not too late to save him now. Unfortunately, hope is hard to come by in the labs of the mad doctor himself.

Note: :(

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Ivo Robotnik, M.D. Log 3

Subject has been given time to rest. Recovery appears to be more rapid than previously speculated, as subject is active and aggressive with and without scientists present. Full anatomy examination to be conducted soon.

Behavioral training has begun in earnest.

End log

……..........................................................................

Sonic comes to on a metal surface with his face smushed against cold steel. He hopes it won’t become a pattern.

With a few careful breathes he takes stock of himself. Tired, sore but not as sore as before that horrible shock. The lab is dark and quiet – well, mostly. As much as one can be with humming, blinking machines everywhere – and the hedgehog realizes he must have been out for a few hours at least. With a start he also realizes his limbs are no longer bound together.

He pulls himself up to a sitting position immediately, staring at the four silver metal rings set tight around his wrists and ankles. There’s no indication that they can attach to each other, but just to be safe he tries to keep his limbs apart as he inspects the rest of himself.

Still in the cage? Check. Still hurting from the fight and everything since? Double check. Still planning to get out of here, especially now that the Eggman and his crazy assistant aren’t around? Triple check Sunday with a cherry on top.

The teen carefully gets to his feet, grateful for the returned movement, and notices two new additions to his little prison. They look like giant bottles hanging upside down the front mesh of the cage, with thin nozzles sticking through to the inside. Sonic warily edges near them, pausing after each step to see if it’s some awful trap the scientist has set for him. Nothing happens even as he gets close enough to touch them. With a little more hesitation he reaches out and taps the end of one nozzle. His glove comes back wet.

“Uh…?” He rubs his thumb against the damp spot, puzzled, then turns to the other bottle. A quick touch finds the tip of his finger stained in something green-brown and mushy.

Sonic sniffs it gingerly. It’s got a weird, almost oatmeal smell that he only recognizes cause the town hosted a big breakfast event one summer day and he gorged himself from the food line every time people’s backs were turned. The hedgehog realizes with disgust that it’s supposed to be food, that these bottles are meant to feed and water him like some kind of pet.

He smacks the mesh angrily but they don’t budge, so then he starts pushing and pulling at the nozzles, hoping to dislodge them or break them or do something at least. They rattle in mockery, making the teen even more upset.

Dropping to his back, Sonic lifts his feet up in a biker position and kicks the two spigots hard. Something responds with a loud creak, so he kicks again, and again, until finally the water bottle flies clean off its hinges and falls to the ground in a crash of metal and water. The hedgehog freezes, suddenly nervous instead of indignant. His ears swivel every direction in case Robotnik or a robot appears out of nowhere to hurt him. He’s barely breathing.

As the seconds turn into a minute or more without anything happening, Sonic lets out a slow puff of air and rubs his face.

“Great, Sonic, just great. Way to cause a mess you can’t explain away. Do you want the deranged lunatic to shock you again or do you just enjoy his company? – No, don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical. I know it’s rhetorical, I’m not an idiot! Clearly you are if you’re doing stupid stuff like this!”

He gestures to the mess on the floor, and it’s only then that he realizes he’s started pacing. The teen stops himself, pressing a palm to his forehead.

“Okay so obviously I need a little self-control here if I’m gonna find a way out. Wait, did that make a weakness in the cage?”

Sonic pats the mesh where the bottle used to sit. He makes a loud noise in frustration as it’s obvious the screen won’t budge.

“So that’s a bust. Busted plan, not busted cage or I’d be out of here by now. Okay, hmm…”

His eyes drift to the other bottle and his stomach gurgles. He can’t remember the last time he’s eaten. Probably with Tom. The thought of the human sends something sharp through his chest that he has to stuff down real fast. Now isn’t the time for that.

Instead, he experimentally lays back down and lifts his feet again. With only a moment of hesitation, he jams them against the other nozzle. Forget his hunger. Forget getting in trouble. If he can weaken the wall now and get out, none of it will matter anyway.

It takes a few more kicks than last time to knock this bottle loose – probably because he’s not running on outrage anymore – but soon it joins its duplicate in a loud clatter. Sonic grimaces at the sound but hops up to test the mesh again.

Still nothing.

Frustrated with a growing sense of panic, the teen gets back down and starts kicking directly at the metal wiring. It barely yields, only giving Sonic a horrible backlash of vibrations through his feet for the effort. A growl sticks in his throat as he tries again.

It’s a long time before he’s too exhausted to kick anymore.

……..........................................................................

Robotnik sits at his personal desk with five monitors up. Two of them are running comparative analyses on the quill and blood samples he’s obtained. The third has diagrams of all seventeen different hedgehog species and their anatomies. The fourth is a series of videos of animal trainers offering tips for more rowdy animals, as well as accounts of former human psychological techniques meant to restrain and subdue, usually in old asylums and prisons.

The last monitor is video feed of the alien hedgehog himself, and everything he’s been getting up to.

He had been in and out of consciousness for the first four hours after Robotnik had departed, as the heart rate monitor in his wrist restraints indicated. Most likely his body had been overwhelmed by the stress and had forced a recovery shut down. Then he’d woken up completely at nearly 3 pm.

And what a ruckus he’s created since then.

The scientist strokes his mustache, attention entirely on the video feed for the time being. After breaking off the nutrient feeders (an unnecessary cry for attention, if you ask the doctor) the little creature had pounded at the front of the cage for nearly twenty minutes. He’d dropped flat on his back for a while, panting like a dog, before getting to his feet and running in a circle within one side of the pen.

Whether he’d been planning to try and break through the metal with his body’s speed alone or some other ridiculous plan, it didn’t matter in the end. Because Robotnik had coded those restraints to record velocity, and once they reached a certain threshold their magnetic fields would respond.

This was demonstrated directly when the hedgehog’s ankles were pulled together and he crashed into the far wall. It was a remarkable impact, all things considered.

That was about two minutes ago. Now the man watches as the restraints are deactivated, leaving the alien still half-laying where he hit the ground but definitely aware of the change, if his flicking ears are anything to go by.

“Doctor, I have the items you requested.” Stone’s voice calls confidently from behind.

Robotnik takes one more moment to marvel this creature’s candid personality and behavior, from his position as a hidden observer. Then he leans back in the chair until he’s practically horizontal with his head upside down. He meets his assistant’s gaze.

“Fantastic. Let’s not waste any more time.”

He swivels around and rocks forward out of the chair, his momentum pushing him to his feet and up into Stone’s personal space. He holds his hand out expectantly and the other man obliges, dropping the objects into his open palm. A quick glance tells the scientist they’re exactly as specified.

Without another word the doctor heads down to the main laboratory. He notes with glee how the hedgehog scrambles to attention when he enters the room.

“You’re looking much healthier this afternoon,” he comments, already seeing improvement in the creature’s posture and stance. Then he pretends to notice the broken nutrient feeders for the first time. “Well. Much more active too apparently.”

Sonic tenses. There’s a slight dilation in his pupils that the man almost smiles at – a fear response already, good news. But then he crosses his arms and lifts his chin, still too defiant.

“Yeah? You gotta p-problem with that? It’s just how I roll.”

“On the contrary, I’m delighted by it.”

“What?” The alien’s arms almost drop in his bewilderment. Robotnik tilts his head and purrs.

“Well of course. I want to see what makes you tick, and your behavior is part of that. Not to mention that stunning energy you’ve displayed. I cannot wait to harness it to its fullest potential.”

He watches the way his subject’s mouth works, every twitch of confusion and revulsion and beautiful intelligence. Not on par with him of course, nothing in the universe will ever reach that level, but there’s something so thrilling about interacting with a lifeform from beyond Earth that has given him a literal run for his money.

It’s on this thought that he brings the objects in his hands out in the open. The hedgehog’s eyes lock on to them with the most wide, alarmed expression he’s shown thus far, which is honestly quite the accomplishment given the last half-day.

“I take it you know what these are.”

The alien swallows, and his hands are clenched tight. He doesn’t respond.

“Tell me what you think these are.” It’s an order, the first of many planned.

Sonic takes a deep breath and points at the item in the scientist’s left hand. His arm stays close to his body. “That’s a….that’s a collar.”

“So it is.”

He turns the thing over, letting his subject get a good look at it. The collar is black with the Robotnik logo splashed across in red. Most notable however, is the fairly large black box attached to the center of it, as well as the shiny set of silver dog tags dangling just under them. One finger taps the box.

“Do you know what this does?”

The hedgehog shakes his head. He’s looking rather pale now.

“It’s designed to administer a shock under certain circumstances, the parameters of which will be decided by me. No doubt you remember the one you received earlier today.”

His ears flatten. Robotnik smiles.

“Do you recognize the other object?”

The doctor wiggles his right hand, drawing Sonic’s attention there. He starts trembling just a bit as he stares.

“It’s – that’s a, that’s…” The alien trails off, either struggling to remember the word or not wanting to verbalize it.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue? Feeling stifled? Gagged, maybe?” He lifts the other item under two fingers, giving it a little shake as part of the joke. “Remember when I told you I expected nothing out of your mouth unless it’s a response to a direct question? We’re going to practice that.”

Robotnik outright revels in the sudden retreat his subject tries to make from the muzzle in the man’s hand, backing up against the far side of his pen like distance alone will have an effect.

“No…” He whispers. There’s something very vulnerable in his voice, something that goes beyond the idea of physical restraint. “No, no no no.”

“Save your heart-wrenching pleas for someone who has one.” The doctor says coldly, already pressing a few buttons to activate the hedgehog’s magnetic bonds.

Sonic’s wrists come together, as do his ankles, and he loses his balance immediately. He hits the ground on his left side but doesn’t stop struggling to shimmy away nor cease his begging.

“You know, perhaps I would’ve considered only using the collar for the time being, but then you had to be an absolute brat and destroy perfectly functional equipment. Act like an animal, I’ll treat you like an animal. Only fair don’t you think?”

Robotnik makes an irritated noise as his gloating is met with an increased volume of ‘no’ being repeated like a protective mantra. Not that he doesn’t love the groveling, but really. Gloating’s only fun when someone can appreciate it. He sighs and sends a few drones into the cage’s ceiling hatch.

The little hedgehog sees them coming and does the only thing he has left – he curls into a ball, every quill straightened up to create a deadly sphere. It doesn’t help much when the drones hover near enough for his restraints to yank his limbs out into the open, attaching themselves to the robots against all his best efforts.

He’s screaming now.

The robots drag him halfway out of the hatch, leaving his legs dangling in the cage. As Robotnik approaches he can see tears forming in Sonic’s eyes. It gives the scientist pause.

“You are…remarkably impacted by the concept of this. I wonder.” He transfers the muzzle and collar to one hand. The other hand shoots out to grab the teen’s snout, causing him to freeze in shock. “What about it frightens you so? Is it the further loss of body autonomy, or something else?”

His subject’s gaze scatters away from Robotnik’s face for a moment before coming back just as pitifully.

“Please,” he’s back to whispering. “Please, don’t. Please.”

The doctor leans in close, letting the hedgehog feel his breath on his fur and see the utter contempt in his own eyes. He holds him like that for a long moment, and Sonic visibly shudders at it all.

“You don’t get the privilege of begging anymore.”

Sonic’s pupils blow wide. He opens his mouth to scream.

“NO–”

Robotnik jams the muzzle against his face, pressing cold metal into his cheeks and cutting off the wail so fast it leaves eerie silence in its wake. His drones make short work of pulling the Kevlar straps through razer-sharp quills to fasten together where the organic scientist cannot reach. The collar comes next and is almost harder simply because of how much the alien is thrashing.

But it’s soon secured as well, leaving a shaking, near-sobbing teen with his arms stretched above his head and his head still held by his captor. Robotnik drums his fingers against the metal wrapped around Sonic’s face, causing a harsh flinch each time.

“I think this looks quite fetching. Perhaps I should consider keeping it on even outside of training.”

The hedgehog closes his eyes with a whine. The man strokes his mustache.

“Mm, but perhaps not. It all depends on your behavior from here on out.” He checks the time. “For now though, I’d say the rest of the day should be enough to teach you the meaning of the word ‘silence’. What do you think?”

Sonic shakes his head.

“Rest of the day it is! Oh, and let’s not forget to get your sustenance feeders back up, hmm? I’m sure it will be much more difficult to eat and drink like this, but I’m sure you’ll figure something out with that clever little mind of yours.”

A flick of his wrist and the drones drop Sonic back into his pen. The teen scrambles away from the front, into the far corner on the bed side.

“I don’t trust you not to try and take off the extra accessories prematurely either, so your restraints will remain active for a while yet. Not that it matters, because if I find out you tried to break anything else – the feeders, the muzzle, the collar, anything – then the shock I gave you earlier will feel like a tickle. Got that through your thick skull?”

Robotnik waits until he gets a slow, defeated nod before turning away. Something tells him the quill and blood sample analysis is complete, and he doesn’t want to miss a single detail.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took so long. With everything going on right now I went to stay with family, and it has been a lot harder to get time to write around family than I thought ehehe. Hopefully the longer chapter makes up for it.

Also, sorry if Sonic seems OOC for this one, but I was thinking a lot about how his second greatest weapon after his speed is his motor mouth. This lad uses it to fill the void when no one else is there, and I'd imagine (at least for Movie Sonic) that losing that ability is just as terrifying as losing his speed.

On a technical note, I've decided to keep the focus on Sonic for this fic, and not Tom and Maddie. The original plan was to show them working to find him, but that wasn't working out so well in the end, so it's gonna be pain train all the way through.

Chapter 2

Chapter 4

[thesinglesjukebox]

ARIANA GRANDE, MILEY CYRUS & LANA DEL REY - DON'T CALL ME ANGEL

[3.69]

"Independent Women Part III: No Throttle"...

Josh Buck: Absolutely not. [2]

Katie Gill: "Don't Call Me Angel" is a fun piece of movie credits music. There's nothing special here, but it's a jam of a song that would fit perfectly well in the already established oeuvre of middle-of-the-road yet totally serviceable movie tie-in songs. Two of the singers know exactly what sort of song they're in and give it the sultry, radio-friendly, sexy spin the song needs. The third is Lana Del Rey and her inclusion BAFFLES me. This is so far out of her wheelhouse that it's hilarious. Seriously, was Selena Gomez busy or something? The music video for Demi Lovato's "Confident" was practically an audition piece for this type of thing, why the heck isn't she here? [6]

Thomas Inskeep: Ariana does some Grande karaoke, Miley sounds like she'd rather be singing "I Love Rock 'n' Roll," and Lana teleports in to do another take on her breathy schtick (and brings the song to a screeching halt in the process) -- nothing about this, apart from (I imagine) someone's discussion of market share, makes any sense. There's no cohesion here. There's barely even a song. [2]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: So, so, so cringeworthy. Ariana, Miley and Lana sound like reality music TV contestants who were forced to make a song together one week, couldn't get on the same page and ran out of time to rehearse, but had to release something anyways. Ariana is awkward and lonely on the hook, like she's waiting for help that never comes; Miley comes out of nowhere with a cloying shouted verse; and Lana is off in another world mumbling incomprehensible nonsense. Even the backing track has a nervous manic energy. If you want a good song about Charli(e)'s angels, just listen to this instead. [3]

Michael Hong: In high school, I worked on a group project where the only times we met up were when we decided upon a topic and to actually present the whole piece. Rather expectedly, the whole thing fell apart rather quickly and it was a completely embarrassing experience. "Don't Call Me Angel," gives off the same vibe, like Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Rey were each given only the title and asked to write something vaguely empowering for women. Each artist sounds like they wrote for a different track and made absolutely no effort to meld styles, instead forcing the producers to try and mash the entire thing together. Even the chorus buries Miley and Lana completely beneath Ariana, perhaps rather wisely as I can't see the group's vocal tones meshing together very well. "Don't Call Me Angel" survives only through the one thing my group never had, natural charisma. [3]

Alex Clifton: How did Ari, Miley and Lana end up in this? I guess it echoes the three Charlie's Angels but this trio doesn't make sense. I can see how individual duets would've worked; Ari and Lana could've done something slow and spacy, Ari and Miley taking a more upbeat route, Lana and Miley singing something retro. This, sadly, doesn't play to anyone's strengths and just ends up being overproduced mush with a decent riff. If I had to pick any artist who could make this song make sense, it would be Rihanna, and the music video would be her in thirteen different outfits kicking ass. [3]

Joshua Copperman: I didn't realize how dated the Max Martin sound was until hearing "Don't Call Me Angel." Pop music is now either created with substance(s) or has substance thrust upon it. Meanwhile, the lyrics are clunkier than ever, "you know we fly/but don't call me angel" no longer endearing melodic math but shallow feminist lip service at a time when "if you feel like a girl/then you real like a girl" can sneak onto a major label record. It's the first time I can't listen to a Martin production without thinking of this unexpectedly poignant stand-up segment about Martin and Cosmopolitan. When the tropical house is so bland, further lyrics stick out more; Miley's pre-chorus ("Do I really need to say it/Do I need to say it again") is lazy, and Ari's vampire metaphors are just baffling. Lana comes out strongest, someone who seldom charts but has more cultural relevance than the former and is much hipper than the latter. Her verse is classy when Ari is unmemorable and Miley cribs from a Rihanna album reject from four years ago. "Angel", though, feels like a reject from 2013, when Miley was in her imperial phase and Ari was just breaking out from Nickelodeon -- in fact, it probably would have had Rihanna instead of Lana at that time. But no matter what trio, one thing is clear: with this lemon, you cannot make Marmalade. [3]

Katherine St Asaph: Remember, "Independent Women Part I" stopped the otherwise great song dead on the bridge to announce it was commissioned for CHARLIE'S AAAAAAANGELS, so "Don't Call Me Angel" earns points already for not doing that. It keeps its product placement to outside context, namely the fact that the song exists despite the three artists having little in common besides having stanbases and sniping at critics. The disparate styles can work together -- see the "Lady Marmalade" remake, unfairly maligned except by a few -- but here there are only anti-synergies. Miley's verse can't decide if she wants to be the track's Mya or the Pink (probably the better idea), but its bluntness also best fits the backing track. Ariana's sighed, harmonized "angel" is a great millennial R&B hook, but one that outside of an R&B song is starved for air. Lana's bridge, though a complete non-sequitur and only empowering if you squint, is also the most sonically charged thing she's done in ages; if there isn't a reason Lana Del Rey hasn't worked with Max Martin beyond "Lust for Life" (I suspect that there is), that wouldn't be the worst career direction. Everyone's part diminishes everyone else's, the exact opposite of what you need from an event single or a Charlie's Angels shine-theory ad. [5]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Every big pop collab feels a little unnecessary -- pop stars work based on the idea that they're the center of the universe, and collaborations by their very nature make that seem silly. But this sounds really, really unnecessary. Two artists coming off career highs (and one coming off of "Cattitude") should at least drive some head-to-head comparison, but none of the three credited artists interact in any meaningful way. It's the Batman V. Superman of pop music -- conflict and chemistry built mostly on reputation rather than action, with nothing to defend unless you're an unabashed stan. [2]

Joshua Lu: In which Lana Del Rey learns that her reward for releasing her magnum opus is the opportunity to limp through a thank u, next reject. Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus's voices already feel unbalanced, but Lana's mushy croons are so inapposite that they grind the song to a halt. [3]

Scott Mildenhall: It rattles along satisfyingly, but this never leaves the marks that the intermittent brass punctuation seems to signify. None of that is aided by how Del Rey, unbending in her lack of persona, has to be deployed in the manner of a guest rapper, wheeled on and off through a side door. The inability to sound at home with her collaborators in the way they do with each other is one thing, but the inability to sound anything other than lifeless in the face of them is another, and that's the precise opposite of what's called for. [6]

Will Adams: As out of place as she may seem on paper, Lana's bridge is the only point where the song becomes interesting: the key dips even more minor, and the arrangement has tangible cinematic sweep. The rest is a cluttered shamble of an Ariana Grande album cut, with her and Cyrus trading off lines with all the dubious empowerment of a Barb Wire quote. [4]

Jackie Powell: All right folks get ready for a sports metaphor, because it's coming. Ariana Grande is a bit of a ball hog on this track. What she doesn't seem to understand is if you are going to lead your team, you've got to provide the proper assist to each of your teammates. To me, saving Del Rey until the two-minute mark supports the idea that these "angels" aren't really meant to work together. I thought the purpose of this was to present a team of strong women looking to take on the world via a song that preaches empowerment for this new wave of both feminism and Charlie's Angels films. Where a point guard should pass the ball and set up her teammates on the wings (no pun intended) and under the rim, Grande instead takes all of the shots. When the mic is pointed toward Cyrus after Grande's opening hook, though, she shoots with simultaneous finesse and power, letting her head voice mix well with the potent sound in her chest. If I was reviewing the visual made to accompany "Don't Call Me Angel," Hannah Lux Davis' treatment would receive a [10]. Grande, Cyrus and Del Rey all exude a mystique, ooze sex and expel power. For a Charlie's Angels theme song, that's right on the money. But what confuses me lyrically is how the hook clearly communicates the theme, even nodding to Destiny's Child, but the verses, bar maybe Cyrus', are underwhelming. The clock-tower cowbell loop that runs through and through grabs my attention, but I think Kristen Stewart could write better poetry. [6]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

[stereochromatic404]

James Bond Movie Ranking

#1. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) [8.2/10] The best Christmas film that isn’t It’s a Wonderful Life. oh and Bond actually falls in love this time!

#2. Goldfinger (1964) [8.2/10] “Shocking. Positively Shocking.”

#3. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) [8.1/10] A Villain that’s actually relevant? Strong Women Characters? No Convoluted Personal Vendettas? Sign me up! (Also the Bike Chase OST really sounds like the Bon Voyage Charlie Brown motif in places.)

#4. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) [8/10] The real Go Everywhere, Do Everything Bond Movie. Also it has a Submarine Car. And Jaws.

#5. Octopussy (1983) [7.5/10] Nothing illustrates the absurdity of Nuclear War better than Bond in a clown suit trying to stop a nuke blowing up.

#6. The Living Daylights (1987) [7.1/10] Bond is as cold and professional as he has ever been, but beneath that exterior is a human element that Timothy Dalton allows to shine. Bond and Kara Milovy’s onscreen chemistry is electric. Whitaker and Koskov are entertaining villains as well.

#7. Dr No. (1962) [6.8/10] This film launched a Billion Dollar Franchise. A Single shot of this film launched a multi Billion Dollar Swimwear industry, and accelerated a multi Trillion Dollar cultural revolution.

#8. Moonraker (1979) [6.6/10] Bond hijacks a rocket into space to stop Not Elon Musk from razing the earth with some Laserbeam thing. It’s dumb, and stupid, and fun. Also Jaws gets a girlfriend.

#9. Casino Royale (2006) [6.5/10] A lot of it is good, though it is rather convoluted, and the poker is only surface level entertainment. Good ending though.

#10. No Time To Die (2021) [6/10] Having Bond die at the end of the film really kills a lot of the mystique around him. It’s not a sign of a healthy franchise.

#11. From Russia With Love (1963) [5.9/10] When people say they want back to basics Bond, this is what they’re asking for. it’s got fights, stealing, more fights, fights with belly dancers, and Rosa Klebb with a shoe-knife.

#12. Live and Let Die (1973) [5.8/10] This film is hard carried by Paul McCartney, Sheriff J.W. Pepper, and the stunt team. Most of everything else is a miss.

#13. Goldeneye (1995) [5.6/10] If you thought this was good, wait until you play the game!

#14. You Only Live Twice (1967) [5.5/10] Plot is decently serious and compelling. Perhaps if it were adapted later it could have aged better.

#15. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) [5.4/10] The reverse of YOLT. Terrible Plot, Scaramanga is a great Villain, and the Bond Girl is especially useless.

#16. Diamonds are Forever (1971) [5.4/10] Has a good theme song and very little else.

#17. Skyfall (2012) [5.3/10] In a World, where Bond stops nuclear annihilation on the regular, they really dedicated an entire Villain arc to killing off their best M (kidnapping her in TWINE wasn’t enough, apparently)

#18. Licence to Kill (1989) [5.3/10] I only remember the good bits of this film, of which there are not many.

#19. Thunderball (1965) [5.2/10] Much slower than Goldfinger, and has most of the same drawbacks with almost none of the positives.

#20. Die Another Day (2002) [5.2/10] “I’ve Got you now, Faker!” no but really it is just Sonic Adventure 2 but with Bond. it really is. The VR Moneypenny segment is hilarious though.

#21. Quantum of Solace (2008) [5.1/10] Would have been a decent film with a good plot if it was edited with any competence.

#22. A View to a Kill (1985) [5/10] Dull, static and slow. Walken as Max Zorin cannot save it, aas hard as he tries.

#23. Spectre (2015) [4.8/10] You can tell something’s wrong when none of the best scenes in the film involve Bond at all. Also Blofeld is Bond’s long lost brother now. Also Also, Spectre are suddenly responsible for the the plots of the previous three films because reasons???

#24. The World is Not Enough (1999) [4.4/10] Every single homage to other films feels cheap and forced, especially when it’s crammed with so many (at the expense of everything else). Somehow they managed to plonk Bond on a Nuclear Sub for 2 films in a row.

#25. For Your Eyes Only (1981) [4.3/10] Roger Moore can’t do cold and emotionless. The henchman is an boring Jaws clone that skis a lot, and the Bond Girl with the Ice Skates makes 2D-era Princess Peach look strong and independent.