#how to fix stunted hair growth

[infostylerave]

These Are The Reasons Why Your Hair Won't Grow

Worried much These are the reasons why your hair won t grow Try these tips out and gain your Rapunzel status  Flip your hair back and forth

[fandomfuntimem]

Genya Shinazugawa headcanons because I fucking love Genya. (Self indulgent headcanons will be marked with 🍰):

Genya has a huge appetite. Almost Mitsuri levels. His body needs to make up for the amount of energy spent when in demon form.

Unfortunately, due to how he grew up, he doesn't eat much and often only eats if he knows everyone around him has.

Genya got as tall as he did because of his demon abilities. He was a homeless kid for a while, malnurishment can cause kids to be stunted in growth. So I personally imagine his demon form made up for that and basicly "fixed" it.

🍰 Genya's demon form changes depending what demon he eats. Like if he eats Kokushibo he gets six eyes and longer hair. If he eats Akaza he gets tattoos and pink tips.

Gyomei has an unspoken grudge against Sanemi for his treatment of Genya.

Genya became a demon slayer not just because he wants to apologize. He also wants to prove to himself and others that he's useful, and cuz he needed the money.

🍰 The demon cells he consumes can mimic his emotions. Meaning he can infact change into a child, or gane features like a tail. (Based on a fic i saw)

Mf will eat the nastiest shit. Like rocks, plants that may or may not be poisonous, wood, bugs. He will eat it.

Jaw power to the max. He will bite through bricks if he has to. Ever seen an anime character eat through a sword? Probably! He is one of them. Straight up chow down on a nichirin blade.

He can taste the atmosphere. He is part of the five senses squad meaning he is allowed to taste emotions. If its crazy bad he straight up throws up.

🍰 He falls asleep while training sometimes. So Gyomei often carries him to bed.

If he is hospitalized while in demon mode he gets isolated and strapped down. Shinobu knows he won't eat anyone, but its a percaution.

I don't think you realise how much this guy has plauged my mind. He needs all the hugs and kisses. Please get him out of the infinity castle.

[matttheratkingart]

Y'all ever think about how Sentomaru has not changed his hair or clothes since he was a child, even though he's in his 30s. How much of his personal growth was stunted by being fixed in one position for nearly all his life. Anyways I think he should grow his hair out post egghead

[sooniebby]

ఌ 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐀𝐍

꧁ 𝙊𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙭 𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧 ꧂

Teaser ➤ with one lost is the gain of someone greater

Word count › 5k

Rating › NSFT

Warnings › none

Kinks › anal fingering, light nipple play, rimming

(Words to know���

Baobei: baby, affectionate from a parent to child

Ge: older brother (doesn’t have to be related, can be romantic)

Di: little brother

Wangliang: demons, spirits, any malevolent creatures

Jiangshi: hopping vampire that sucks one soul out)

╭┈─────── ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈─➤ ＢＥＧＩＮＮＩＮＧ

The soft sound of feet patter against the ground shook a woman awake as she saw her sun run up to her. Her son huffed, face stained with tears as he waited for her to say something. She only sighed as she got out of bed and guided him to the mirror on the small table.

She gently forced him down to a kneel, with her joining as well to be height level with his face. The boy stared straight at the mirror as his mother cleaned up his bruises, taking out any twigs in his hair as well.

This wasn’t the first time this happened. It always happened whenever the boy went out. Whenever he tried to gain his father’s approval.

“I’m pathetic compared to my siblings!” He suddenly blurted out as his mother cleaned up a slit in his lip.

She glared at him. “How can you say that about yourself?”

“He seems to think so! I don’t matter to him. I don’t matter to anyone!”

“You do matter, (Name). Emperor Chu is a very busy man. An important man. Emperor Chu gives you a life many other children dream of. Appreciate it.”

“Papa doesn’t care for me.”

“(Name). You know you must call the emperor by his title.”

“Why? I can call you mama.”

(Name)’s mother sighed as she gently pulled his hair out of the ponytail, allowing it to stay out. She continued to fix his hanfu, making sure it fit his more frail body. He had always been sick. He knew that. The hanfu felt a bit big on him. His sickness only caused him to be stunted in growth compared to other boys.

The shoulders of the hanfu had to be bunched up to not fall off. But his sickness was no shock.

How could it be when his mother herself was known to be weak as a child. She couldn’t play like the other children. Confined to her room as she coughed up blood. It was a miracle she lived so long, even having a baby boy. But it only meant he received her illness.

“Emperor Chu loves you. It may not show but Emperor Chu doesn’t have favorites—loving all of you equally, like a emperor must.”

“But he doesn’t love you equally like his wife.”

“Please, (Name), do not refer to His royal highness so casually. If you get tired of saying Emperor Chu so much, call him by his other titles. I want you to be safe.”

“He’s my Papa.”

“He’s an Emperor first. My Baobei, please, for me.” Her dark hair framed her pale skin beautifully. It was no wonder Emperor Chu chose her as a consort. Such a beautiful woman could only belong to a powerful man. (Name) didn’t understand this well at the age of ten but he knew deep down that his mother wasn’t as lucky as the maids thought she was.

(Name) simply nodded. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry, it’s important to practice formal speech, Baobei.”

(Name) simply nodded. He didn’t like his life at all. Staying indoors. Being forced to watch his siblings be doted on by his father while he only sends a maid to give him gifts. It wasn’t like the illness was contagious. Many people came near him or touched him and nothing happened to them months later.

This silly illness. It was ruining his life.

ꕥ

“Seventh Prince! Consort Yuying has requested you. Please, get him dress.” A guard said outside his door. The maid in (Name)’s room, Xiulan, got up from her seat on the floor and began to pull out his clothes.

(Name) sat up from his bed, glancing out at the opened doors to the mini courtyard that belonged to him and his mother. Consorts usually got their own sections of the palace. Since his mother was the ninth consort, many expected she’d get the leftovers but her being the prettiest, they had earned the more fancied one. The first consort was the emperor’s wife.

So she wasn’t even truly a consort anymore. She was an empress.

Xiulan motioned for him to get up as she removed his sleepwear, slipping on his hanfu and shoes. He bent down a little for the short woman to pull his long hair up into a bun. No one ever cut their hair. It was the hair from their parents. They shouldn’t disrespect it. Shaving was mostly fine. But (Name) didn’t grow much on his face.

His illness, is what his doctor had said.

“Seventh Prince is ready.” Xiulan stated as she opened the sliding door on their right. The guard there simply nodded and bowed in respect to (Name). The lower class referred to any child of the emperor in terms of when they were born.

(Name) was the seventh son, so he was named the Seventh Prince. He was also the last child. The youngest. It didn’t help that he was also terribly sick most of his nights so almost everyone babied him to an annoying degree.

When he was younger, it bothered him but now, as he felt weaker by the day, it made sense. He could hardly walk far without needing to stop.

He was weak. He needed every ounce of protection they gave him. But he was only sixteen.

His mother…

She wasn’t doing good.

The room she was in was close to the Emperor. It was so he could visit her with ease. She was bedridden most of the time, asleep as her health deteriorated. (Name) didn’t visit her much. He knew it wasn’t good to do such a thing to do her.

She needed to see her only son but he was scared.

To be confronted with the reality that she’s dying.

That he’s dying, too.

“She’s inside, Seventh Prince. I’ll be waiting here.” The guard said, holding his staff close to him. (Name) nodded as he walked inside the room, for the first time in maybe months.

There was his mother, her hair thinning. It was no longer shiny and thick. It was almost breaking off. Her normally beautiful sharp cheek bones looked scary with her skinnier face. She was dying.

(Name) pushed through any sight of distress and walked over to kneel down beside her body. The maids in the room made sure to give a bit of space for him, but hovered around just in case her health took a turn for the worst.

“Baobei…” Yuying sighed, tears streaming down her face. She reached one frail hand up to touch his face, cupping his chubby cheek. A small laugh left her lips. She had missed this. His cute cheeks that puffed out whenever he pouted or stuffed his mouth.

Pouty lips that were turning too pale for her liking. Yuying grunted as she moved to sit up, much to the maid’s dismay. (Name) tried to make her stay down but she somehow pushed him off. Whatever strength she had was still there. She was supposed to be only thirty-five but she looked fifty.

“Baobei, I failed you.”

“No. No. Mama, I failed you. I got so scared to see you. I didn’t want to see you like this but that was so selfish of me. Please, forgive me.” He cried, leaning his head on her shoulder.

Yuying reached a hand into his hair and pulled out his bun, allowing his long black hair to fall out. (Name) pulled away and looked at her in confusion. He watched as she played around with it, a smile on her lips.

“I missed your hair. It was healthier than mines.”

“Mama…”

“Baobei, I don’t have much time left. They’re taking so much from me and I couldn’t stop them. What I have…” Yuying coughed, blood splattered on (Name)’s face but he was too shocked to react.

“No, the doctor said you had a few years left. Please, please. Don’t…”

“Baobei, listen to me. This isn’t a normal Illness. We aren’t sick.”

“What are you talking about Mama?”

Yuying glanced around, as if she was scared someone was watching.

“I’ve called a shaman to help you. He’s been here the entire time, watching you. He told me he’s ready for the attack.”

“Mama, you’re not making sense. Let’s lay down…”

“Baobei!” She yelled, a look of anger in her eyes. “Once I lay down I’m gone. Let me tell you this so you don’t face this fate. My mother came from the Xians. It gave me the ability to see the future with eternal beauty. This caught the attention of many Wangliang.”

“Wangliang…? But they don’t exist. Xians aren’t real. No one could be immortal.”

“Xians don’t just have immortality. But this doesn’t matter, what matters is that your illness is because a Wangliang is feeding off of you like a parasite. And it’s not just one. It’s why you have been getting weaker much faster than I did when I was younger.”

(Name) felt dizzy. He didn’t understand. His mother seemed to know from his face as she sighed.

“Baobei… I have a notebook that’s tucked somewhere in your room. Find it, it’ll give you more insight. But just know, your ability is something stronger than mines. Mines could only grant me ten seconds into the future. Your ability, it seems to deal with your heart.”

“Mama…. Why are you speaking as if today is your last..?”

“It is, Baobei. It’s too late to save me.”

“No. No! This shaman you spoke of, why can’t he save you?!” (Name) yelled, gripping at his mother’s hanfu. She simply smiled at him, cradling his face as she leaned in to press a soft kiss on his forehead.

“There’s only so much you can do for someone as old and frail as me. I used my ability for wrong reasons. I deserve my fate.” She pushed back a lock of hair to place behind his ear. “I’m blessed to say my goodbyes.”

Yuying moved to lay back down on her bed as she smiled up at her son. “I love you, Baobei.”

Then her eyes were closed.

(Name) screamed out as he shook his mother, hoping she would awaken. The maids in the room called out for the doctor, one trying to pull (Name) away from his mother’s corpse but was swiftly pushed away. He cried out in pain, a cry that was never heard from the boy ever in his life.

“Mama! Mama, please!” He chanted, rocking her body back and forth. People rushed into the room but (Name) couldn’t lay them any mind. His mother was gone. His mother, his only true parent was gone.

He was all alone.

Strong arms gripped him tightly and pulled him away from the body, easily subduing him. (Name) weakly fought against the man’s hold but could only whimper out for his mother to wake up. The one day.

The one day he went to see her and she was gone.

The man holding (Name) ended up being Emperor Chu and the Eldest Prince, Laohu who took over once his father had to check the body. (Name) cried in his brother’s arm, holding him close. Despite them having different mothers, they were close.

His twelve siblings all loved him well. Emperor Chu had seven boys and five girls. A good luck that many praised him for. Laohu was much older than most of the siblings. Close to his late twenties by now. He acted as (Name)’s father at this point as Emperor Chu couldn’t bother to be one.

“Ge… Ge!!” (Name) cried, wishing he had died with his mother. He couldn’t continue like this. Not without his rock.

“Di, can you stand?” Laohu muttered.

(Name) didn’t answer. Laohu nodded towards one his other brothers, the Sixth Prince, and motioned for him to help carry him to his room. Sixth Prince, Donghai, helped Laohu carry their younger brother to his room.

The death of a consort, no matter how little she mattered to the emperor, was a devastating loss. Everything stopped as they were allowed to mourn. And it was warranted for Yuying. She wasn’t just a consort.

She was someone to the lower class people before Emperor Chu found her.

She was a light of hope in their dark days.

And now she was gone.

(Name) was never the same after. And neither was his family.

ꕥ

“Di, please, you’ve been through here a thousands times before. You should’ve found it by now if it was truly here,” Donghai said, watching as (Name) once again turned every pillow and blanket to find the notebook his mother had once mentioned.

(Name) glanced at his brother, “Ge, you don’t understand! She said it’d be here for me. She mentioned a shaman!”

“Shamans aren’t people you should trust, Di. Please, you’re already getting more frail,” Donghai grasped his brother’s hand, (Name)’s thin hands looked small against his.

(Name) knew everyone was anxious for him. His mother died earlier than the doctor had estimated. Everyone walked on eggshells, hoping to not awaken to the news that they lost him too. It had been only three years, (Name) was nineteen. But it still felt like yesterday some days.

Donghai was the one worried the most. He was the sixth son but eleventh child. They were only two years apart in age. He had a relationship to (Name) that the other brothers didn’t have.

Laohu and Donghai had a love for him that rivaled his mother sometimes.

The other four brothers didn’t speak much to (Name) but the rare times they did, they cared deeply for him. But they focused more on their positions in the military. Two were twins and one shared the same mother as Laohu. Only four years younger than him. The last one, the Second Prince shared a mother with the Eldest Princess.

She was the first child. But she was never home, having married off to a man in a neighboring state. But whenever Laohu visited, he always told (Name) she was happy.

“I will be fine… but thank you for worrying.” (Name) smiled.

Donghai didn’t looked convinced but nodded.

“Sixth Prince! Emperor Chu has requested you to the throne room!”

“I will see you at dinner.”

“Bye, Ge.”

(Name) waited for Donghai to leave before he continued his search for his mother’s notebook. He wished she had told him where. But all he had to go with is that it should’ve be hidden that no maid could come across it while cleaning.

Xiulan wasn’t going to enjoy having to clean his room after this mess he was making. But he couldn’t worry about that. His mother came first.

He was feeling weaker by the minute and if this notebook could save him, he’d find it. The sliding door open, pausing his search as he looked over to see Consort Yue Lin. She was Laohu’s mother.

(Name) quickly bowed, showing respect to her. The second consort. She was very important to the emperor behind his wife. Many wondered if it was because his wife only gave him a daughter with no sons. It certainly made her seem pathetic in terms of Consort Yue Lin.

“(Name), if I may call you that, how are you feeling?” Yue Lin kneeled down next to (Name), her brown hair pulled into an intricate braid with flower pins holding them place. She certainly dressed as a queen.

“I have had better days, Consort Yue Lin.”

“I lost my mother quite young as well. Not as tragic as you but I know your pain. Laohu loves you. Very much. I think he loves you more than me,” she laughed. “Know that he is someone to talk to. He has reached his thirties. He’s wise. A… a father figure.”

(Name) was shocked that Yue Lin acknowledge the poor parenting skills of an emperor. But she want wrong. Laohu was a father to him. Not Emperor Chu.

“The Shaman…”

(Name) stared at her in fear.

She simply grinned. “I saw him once. He’s hidden himself as a knight very well. But he’s around here. He’s one of the knights that guards the entrance to the gate leading to the forest. However, if anyone told you, I never knew.”

“Yes, of course!”

“As for the notebook, floor.”

“Floor…?”

“Floor.” With a curt nod, she rose up and walked out of the room, subtly pointing at a spot near the closet. The door closed behind her as (Name) rushed over the the closet door and felt around on the ground.

He gasped when one felt loose. With ease, he pulled off one of the floor board to see the notebook underneath. He quickly grabbed it and placed the board back into its spot.

He’d give an excuse to why one of the floor boards were broken. What mattered now was that he got what he had been looking for.

The notebook was mainly a diary. Laying down a timeline of Yuying’s time before she was found at age eighteen by Emperor Chu to become his last consort. By the next year, she was pregnant with him.

She was happy. Stating how much Emperor Chu loved her despite him being near 40s when he impregnated her. It didn’t shock (Name). He knew his father was creepy when choosing the woman he wanted. Past emperors choose their women the first year he was given the title. But Emperor Chu waited.

He waited for each beautiful woman to be ready for marriage and to bear children.

It give him twelve so many didn’t go against him, even if they wondered what he could’ve truly had in common with such a young bride.

“Baobei.”

That voice.

(Name) closed the notebook, right was he was about to reach his mother’s words on the so called ‘Wangliang’. He placed the notebook on the ground and followed the sound of his mother into the forest near his courtyard. (Name) struggled to jump over the fence but was finally able to when something grabbed him.

His head was hurting but his mother’s voice took over. Calling to him. The snow crunched beneath his bare feet as he walked over to wherever his mother was. He could feel eyes on him. Watching him as he walked to his death.

Grief was a powerful thing.

It clouded one’s judgement. They couldn’t think straight.

The trance he was in was gone once he reached the middle of the forest, dressed in a light hanfu, not made for the cold weather. He wrapped his arms around himself as he looked around. The night sky made the usually calm forest seem scary.

Only the moonlight was his light. It shined down on him, as if mocking him for being so foolish. The crunching of snow near him shock him as he turned around erratically, looking to see who was coming close to him.

“Baobei… come to mama.”

(Name) watched in horror as something tall and imposing walked from it’s hiding spot. It was lankey and tall, long limbs that no human could ever have. A white face with dark black eyes, a large sinister smile. Blood was coated on it’s lip as it bent down slightly to level itself with (Name).

“Baobei.” It said in his mother’s voice.

(Name) felt his knees collapse beneath him. He dropped to the floor, staring up at the unknown beast. This was a Wangliang…? It began to laugh, in a voice that belonged to a multitude of people.

It’s jaw unhinged as a long tongue slithered out, reaching over to caress (Name)’s face. He felt himself blank at the gross tongue touching him. Was this how he died?

Donghai… Laohu…

His mother.

He didn’t even get to see the shaman.

(Name) closed his eyes tightly as the Wangliang’s tongue tightened around his throat, leaning down with it’s wide jaw to swallow him whole when a shriek was heard.

The Wangliang cried out with it’s tongue but clean off. Black blood splattered across (Name)’s face, sending him into a quick shocking memory of his mother doing the same on her death bed. He could only stay still on the floor as whoever it was, killed the beast in front of him.

It was dressed in his people’s knight uniform. He swung around a Guandao with ease. A long staff with a sharp curved blade at the end. The Wangliang screamed as it tried to fight back only to easily be killed with a slice at it’s neck.

The head fell down not too far away from (Name) as black blood sprayed out of the corpse, covering the knight’s face and body. But he didn’t seem phased. He only wiped it away with his hanfu and muttered a quick prayer before sprinting over to (Name).

“Seventh Prince! Apologies for being late. I did not notice when you left.”

The knight kneeled down to grab (Name) only for (Name) to jump into his arms. He paused for a moment, wondering if there was something wrong only to see that (Name)’s body trembled in his arms.

“Are you… Are you the shaman Mama was speaking about?”

“Yes. Consort Yuying paid me to protect you. If she caught the Jiangshi before it fully killed you, she thought you will survive. But it isn’t just the jiangshi killing you.”

“I don’t understand.”

The shaman simply hummed. “I do not expect you to understand, Seventh Prince. You do not need to worry much about what is happening. What matters is that you trust me,” he wrapped one arm around (Name)’s waist.

(Name) pulled away from his neck and stared at him, wanting to get a good look at who this man was. His long hair was pulled into a ponytail, giving a clear look at his facial features. Monolids with medium size lips. A prominent nose that was actually beautiful to (Name).

He knew others would possibly view the man as ugly but he couldn’t help the flutter in his heart.

“Do you trust me?” The man asked.

“Your name?”

“… Fa Yichen.”

“That doesn’t seem like you’re real name.”

“It is not. But when you prove yourself to me, I will tell you,” Yichen said, a faint smile on his lips. It looked off for someone to be smiling while their face was splotches of blood but (Name) supposed it wasn’t human blood.

“I’ll call you Ge.”

“I do not deserve such title. Call me Yichen.”

(Name) pouted but nodded. Yichen stood up, holding (Name) in his arms with ease. The man was tall, having to possibly be 6’4 or maybe even 6’6. (Name) wasn’t sure. All he knew for sure was that Yichen had an intimidating stature.

Muscular all around. He put (Name)’s military brothers to shame. (Name) wrapped his arms around his neck, allowing him to carry him back to the palace. His feet were dirty with snow. But he couldn’t feel it well due to the cold.

He just wanted to warm up.

Once they reached (Name)’s room, Yichen placed him down on the bed and immediately went to leave.

“Ge!”

Yichen turned back to face him, “Yichen. I do not deserve such a kind title.”

(Name) grinned. “Sorry, I will not do it again.”

He will do it again.

“Is there anything you need? I can call Miss Xiulan to come clean you.”

“I want you to. We can get to know each other!”

“No.”

“Please!”

“I’m sorry.”

“How can I trust you if you won’t do a simple task?”

Yichen’s eyebrows twitched in annoyance before grunting. “I’ll start the bath.”

(Name) smirked to himself. Perhaps he could get Yichen into the bath with him. Hey, it might been a bit weird to try and get some random man into a bath with him but he wasn’t exactly thinking.

His first time alone with a very beautiful man.

“Seventh Prince, the bath is ready.”

(Name) walked over to the connected bathroom and began to strip out of his dirty clothes. He wasn’t sure how he could explain the blood on them. Maybe that it was paint.

His clothes pooled on the floor around his feet as he glanced over to see if Yichen was watching him. The shaman was looking away with a light blush on his cheeks. (Name) grinned. He wasn’t exactly doing anything with that.

He was just used to being naked in front of maybe people so he forgot not everyone would be comfortable with it. “Apologies. I was raised to not be bothered by nudity.”

“It is no issue. I’ll leave you to your bath.”

“No!”

Yichen stopped himself from leaving.

“Can you wash me? Xiulan does most of the work, I cannot suddenly do it alone.” (Name) said, walking over to the bath as he slipped in.

Once Yichen counted to ten in his head, he turned around to see (Name) fully covered by the water. (Name) grinned as he watched Yichen fumble around looking for the soap. It was different from Xiulan who moved with grace, sliding the soap all over him with ease and the muscle memory.

Yichen was slow. As if he was scared that if he went too fast, he’d tear (Name) apart. It wasn’t an unfounded fear. (Name) was small in every way compared to Yichen. Especially with their sizes.

Yichen’s hand almost covered (Name)’s entire back. And the brief moment they stood close together, (Name)’s head only reached his shoulder. But it was honestly the perfect height for him to just rest his head there if they hugged.

“Ge…”

“Yichen.”

“Why was my mother too far gone?”

“Consort Yuying had been losing her life force to the Jiangshi since birth. They went after her due to her soul being more powerful than any ordinary human.” Yichen reached down to trace (Name)’s chest, the area where his heart was.

“Jiangshi loves souls. The more powerful, the more they want it. It is more of an unfortunate situation that her parents did not know of the Wangliangs that roam the earth.”

“If they had know…”

“Consort Yuying could have lived a fruitful life. But that is the past, we cannot change what has been done. I promised your mother that she could pass with me caring for you.”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I just wish I knew…”

“She was fearful that she’d scare you. That it would have sent you straight into a Jiangshi’s awaiting mouth.”

(Name) hummed as he leaned back into the touch of Yichen. Yichen’s hand that held the rag roamed his body, not touching his legs or anything lower than his stomach. (Name) bit his lip, reaching up to grasp the hand resting on the tub.

Yichen hesitated for a moment before continuing, “do you want to wash your hair?”

“Another time. It’s a process.”

(Name) glanced down at his body, blushing at his hard nipples. Yichen seemed to not notice, really focused on bathing (Name) as if it was his job. It was a bit of a disappointment from his dream but he knew he had a weird imagination.

“Seventh Prince…”

“Yes?”

“I must tell you, sex is heavily influenced in your mother’s kind. The Xians.”

“Those immortal humans?”

“The original Xians were immortal, yes. But your mother’s family was a more muted version of them. You don’t live forever. But to awaken the power at first, a connection to the body is needed.”

“A connection?”

“Please, tell me whenever you are uncomfortable.”

“Yichen?”

A gasp left (Name)’s lips when he felt a tug at his nipples. He arched his back, his head resting on Yichen’s shoulder as he pulled at both nipples. Yichen’s much larger hands cupped his chest entirely. It sent a shiver down his spine.

How could he hands look against other parts of his body…?

“Stimulation is a great way to connect to one’s body. It is the fastest way other than meditation. Next time we can do meditation.”

(Name) did not want to do medication next time.

Yichen’s fingers rolled (Name)’s nipples around, watching every reaction the Prince gave him. In any other circumstance, he would’ve told his client to do it themself.

But he knew (Name). Ever since they were babies.

And he wouldn’t lie that he was physically attracted to him. There was no way he’d get another chance like this. (Name)’s soft whimpering filled in the room as one of Yichen’s hand moved downwards to grip his ass.

The squeak (Name) released, one that reminded him of a cute hamster, was music to Yichen’s ears. Yichen probed at (Name)’s hole, enjoying the sounds from (Name)’s lips.

“I’ll need to take you out of the bath so I can properly stimulate you.”

“Please…”

Yichen easily picked up (Name) and held him close as walked over to the bedroom. He checked to make sure the sliding doors were closed from the courtyard so no cool air came in. With that, he laid down on the floor, keeping (Name) on top of him.

“Relax and let me take care of everything,” Yichen pulled him up to bring his asshole near his lips. It was eye opening to feel something foreign touch his ass.

(Name) gripped at the floor beneath him as he cried out in pleasure as Yichen thrusted his tongue inside. He was shocked at the fact something could fit inside of him. Yichen’s grip on his thighs were tight, holding him close to his body as he explored his asshole.

He felt close. His cock twitching, ready to release. (Name) flinched when he felt something probe at his asshole, a finger this time. He blushed, wondering how Yichen’s finger would feel deep inside. One finger slowly pushed in as he pulled his tongue away.

His one finger was thick, it felt like two. (Name)’s body twitched as he cried out, feeling the finger drag against his warm walls. He clenched around the finger before feeling himself cum. Much to his disappointment, Yichen pulled his finger out and maneuvered (Name) to lay down on his bed.

“Do you feel differently?”

“I feel tired…” (Name) sighed. “But something feels… light…”

“Good. In the morning, we will talk more.” He moved to get up.

“Ge, don’t leave…”

“I—”

“Di! Where are….”

(Name) and Yichen stared at the door showing a shocked Donghai. Donghai glanced at the wet naked body of his younger brother and the strange man’s clothing that had indents of water.

Oh, he was about to kill this man.

╭┈─────── ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈─➤ ＥＮＤ

I went off the deep end. I wanted to do some medieval Chinese fantasy and I went too far…

Yichen debut! He’ll be coming back in the far future after I do some requests first! Oikawa fic tomorrow!!

Tag list: @the-ultimate-librarian @chill-guy-but-cooler @mello-life69 @kiiyoooo

Number 1 fan: @rainnyydaysworld

Request by: @kazuhazuuu hope it exceeds your expectations! <3

[bellatrixobsessed1]

A Kinder World

Summary: Azula wakes up from a coma to a different world than the one that she had known.

Everything has changed.

From the grander things like Caldera City and Ba Sing Se—the world as a whole to the smaller things; her friends, her family, that statue in front of the palace…

She could still hear them. And she thinks that they knew that she could. Otherwise they wouldn’t have been talking to her. Especially for such a long time. Zuko had told her about the more profound changes; how lightningbending is more widespread, how it is in the beginning stages of being used to replace candles and torches. How there is a new city called Republic City and how the buildings are shaped and crafted very differently. How there are blueprints for new means of transportation and how parts of the palace have been renovated. Apparently he has a dragon now and he has been saving it’s twin for her. 

But he never thought to tell her about how she has changed. 

For some reason she had expected to wake up exactly the same. 

Azula doesn’t exactly recognize herself at first. She looks mostly the same, but just different enough to feel a sense of detachment. A distance from herself that may take some time to bridge.

They have been kind to her though; they kept her well fed, her hair silky and glossy, and painted her nails. Nails that could use a trim. They haven’t bothered with makeup but she is nicely dressed and her skin has seen sunlight.

She is older, significantly so, she can see that much on her face—in the accentuation of her cheekbones and in the length of her hair. She isn’t much taller but she has gained some height, maybe an inch or two. 

She plucks a necklace off of her dresser, the one with the citrine dragon pendant on a golden chain. The one that looks upon her with ruby eyes. It hasn’t seen her in years. Almost a decade, according to Zuzu.

She clasps it around her neck and lets it rest against a chest that is more supple than she remembers. She grits her teeth and drums her fingers upon the dresser. She could dress those fingers in glimmering rings. Could fix a bracelet or two around her wrists. 

She feels her earlobes and deduces that she will have to get them repierced. 

She supposes that this is good enough for now. 

She doesn't bother with her old armor, she knows that it will be a size or two too small. She swallows. She is a woman now. A woman whose mind has yet to catch up.

She touches her fingers to her cheeks, if only just to confirm again that this face does belong to her. 

She takes a breath and exhales. She supposes she should go greet everyone. Zuko had said that they are all waiting. That, in light of things, there are no hard feelings. At the very least they would be putting hard feelings aside until she has a chance to reacclimate to the world.

But Azula isn't sure that she is ready to see so many faces that she had once known so well look so different. The Avatar and the earthbender will be particularly jarring. But not nearly as much as looking upon her own altered reflection.

“Are you ready yet?” Zuko asks.

He has a beard now. And his hair…its so long.

Azula nods.

It is a lie. She doesn't think that she can be ready.

She picks up her hair ribbon and curls it around her pointer. At least she has that going for her; her bangs are no longer a choppy, unsightly mess.She finds herself frowning nonetheless. 

“Am I…really awake?” 

She knows that nobody had expected her to do so. 

And she has had this dream before—a sensation of waking only to find that she had simply been walking about a dream rendition of her life. The life outside of her mind. 

Zuko nods. “You’re awake, Azula.”

“How does it feel?” TyLee appears in the doorway. TyLee looks different too. Her face isn’t as soft, she is really tall now. Perhaps taller than Mai unless Mai has grown too. She feels so small in comparison. The coma has probably stunted her growth, or maybe she was just meant to be small like Iroh. She brings her attention back to TyLee. TyLee who still wears pink but speaks with a deeper vocal quality. TyLee who still wears the smile that Azula has always known but now wears her hair down and loose. 

Azula feels dizzy.

She presses her lips together. “I’m not sure…I haven’t decided.”

.oOo.

Sometimes she misses the world in her head. That strange place that could have had some tether to the spirit world. 

She misses its strange colors that are also taste and sound. She misses its smells that also come as images flickering over the visual stimuli that exists without odor.

She misses the music. Those bizarre melodies spoken in tounges that she used to be fluent in but can possibly hope to comprehend now. She misses those soft, scintillating voices that whispered kind and reassuring things to her.

Mostly, Azula misses the sense of freedom. The lack of stress. 

People don't ask questions there. They leave her be. It isn't quite as overwhelming.

She never felt out of place nor left behind.

She hasn't been abandoned and she can't say that the world left her behind. But it did move forward and progress without her. 

Most days this leaves her feeling adrift and purposeless. Leaves her wondering where she fits into the strange but familiar land.

She is well aware that she should be further than where she is. That she should think like a grown woman. She wants to. But she hasn’t lived enough to be able to. Katara and Aang talk about their children. Toph talks about her children too and is far too open about how those children have come to exist. Mai is pregnant. Sokka talks about drinking and his job as a councilman. They all speak of adventure and memories that she doesn’t share. 

She should have a job. 

She should have achievements. 

These have been stolen from her. 

Zuko promises that she will catch up. If anyone can reclaim ten years in less time than ten years, it would be her. But Azula isn’t so sure. She hates how insecure and self-conscious it makes her feel. 

It isn’t as though she could control that she had been comatose. At least that’s what Zuko tries to insist. 

But it is her fault; she had demanded the Agni Kai that had caused her brain injury. The one that she doesn’t remember. 

She only knows that it happened via word of mouth. She gets her proof and her reminder when she brushes her hair, when she parts the strands in just the right way, to reveal the scar on her scalp. She asked Zuko if it had been bloody. His lack of answer is itself an answer. 

She had gone to visit the spot. 

They have long since torn up and replaced that pavement, taking with it any trace of her suffering. 

It is morbid anyhow, probably better that she hadn’t seen. 

.oOo.

She is still ten years behind, twenty years later. Everyone around her seems to think that this is a good thing. She has more energy, more curiosity. A zest for life that hasn’t faded with age and having experienced things already. 

So far, TyLee has been her favorite experience. The woman’s touch on her body. The woman’s taste on her tongue. These days, she finds the most pleasure in simply intertwining their fingers or letting TyLee rest her head on her chest. 

She feels as though she should have experienced love before falling into a coma. Better late than never, she supposes.

She has a job now. 

Several of them. 

She enjoys working.

She is an advisor and a council woman. A singer and a healer of sorts. Although healer might be the wrong term—she does the research and the studying so that healers can perform new methods of healing. So perhaps she should call herself a scientist. She likes studying the brain and how injuries impact it. 

She enjoys that job the most, but singing is rather charming too. 

She feels like she is ten years behind but she has caught herself up, at least where careers are concerned. 

Emotionally, she isn’t so sure. She always feels as though she is so much younger than everyone. Agitatingly naive in some ways. 

At least these days she no longer feels unsettled and disoriented when she sees her own face. It has become familiar again. And the palace has long since stopped being daunting.

She rolls onto her side and presses her forehead against TyLee’s. TyLee raises a hand and brushes her hair aside. Her finger traces the line of Azula’s scar. She has acquired more of those through the years. Mostly the product of years and years of lightningbending. 

“I’m glad that you woke up.”

TyLee says that every now and again. And it still makes Azula feel tickly and teary eyed. She had been so sure that everyone had been glad that she was gone and that she had inconvenienced them by waking up. 

TyLee kisses her forehead. 

She is also glad that she had woken up.

And that she had awoke to a kinder world.

[zavoralx]

I do not get on Star Wars much but I'm adding my own two cents to this. The way I correct Ahsoka's montrals and lekku length problem plot hole is by world building and just saying she's physically stunted. She was in war as a child so she had to do more physical activity then what was healthy for her. Same thing happens with gymnasts, if they practiced since they were a child they end up stunting their growth and end up staying short. Montrals and lekku would probably be hurt in the battles and constantly throwing her body around without rest. Her body was focused on healing, no growing.

"But Ahsoka's tall!" you may say.

Well, her head problem may be malnourishment. She basically lived on a warship that most likely only had rations for humans. The rations for humans may have the correct things for her body but not her montrals and lekku as they are built differently than the rest of her body. Most likely her species' diet was not taken into account or it was ignored as she wasn't human in a society dominated by humans.

No, she couldn't receive the nutrients later and grow her montrals and lekku the correct length that's not how biology works. If a child doesn't get the right nutrients, especially during childhood or puberty, they won't grow right. What causes kids to grow will usually only be released at certain points in time, like childhood and puberty, and not be released at any other time.

"They grow throughout her life!"

And it is possible what makes her montrals and lekku grow may have been damaged. We see that comparing young togruta and older togruta their montrals and lekku lengthen noticeable in their teen years. As such, we can assume that this is the real start of growth that will continue for the rest of their life. This is similar to how you already have head hair but body hair grows around puberty and won't stop growing for the rest of your life unless you get a disease that makes it stop growing. Or just so old your body dies on you.

Because that starting point of growth is damaged with from battle wounds and/or malnourishment it still means Ahsoka's montrals and lekku probably won't grow correctly, leaving her with short ones for her age for the rest of her life. They may even grow the wrong shape from the damage.

If you compared Ahsoka to Shaak Ti just remember Shaak Ti grew up in peace time and most likely was nourished properly according to the Togruta diet. Shaak Ti had a healthy life style and her montrals and lekku would grow correctly for the rest of her life unless she received an injury that somehow permanently damaged them in some way.

If I remember correctly there was the release of an official answer about why Ahsoka's montrals and lekku were so wonky. They were really trying to cover the differences instead of giving an actual explanation besides "that's just how it grows".

And before you go asking about the force fixing it, don't even try. Not even canon knows anything about it and this is a headcanon thing from someone who only dabbles in the Star Wars fandom from time to time. To me I would rather have this interesting world building explanation to fix a continuity inconsistency over leaving it be or just slapping the force over it to fix it.

Again, casual enjoyer, I don't know if the fandom has already come up with this or another explanation. Just tired of people constantly arguing about it and here's my two cents on how to basically ignore that to simply focus on watching the show.

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

some unsolicited thoughts about chief pilot fairbairn, the man who haunts both the narrative of herc shipwright and my mind

let’s base ourselves in canon first. linda HAS to have a good relationship with him otherwise what are we even doing here. why would she pursue the same career as him in the same company if they didn’t get along?

flying is obviously a passion of hers so it wouldn’t be a big stretch to assume her father was the one to encourage it in her childhood. or probably even introduce it to her himself

all im saying is the man probably started teaching her to fly the minute she could repeat radio communications after him.

imagine this man during her first solo, just anxiously watching her from the ground, listening in on the frequency to make sure everything is going to plan, then when she lands upending a bucket of water over her head and hugging her so tightly she sees stars, ignoring his airfield buddies dumping more water over him

i just think chief pilot fairbairn’s first thought when he saw his baby for the first time was “there’s my new flying buddy”

there aren’t rules against family members flying together, but i do think chief pilot fairbairn probably limited them at air cal, to remove the temptation of flying with his daughter too often and stunting her growth by not exposing her to her colleagues’ ways of thinking and working. also because if something happened to both of them, he wouldn’t want to put that on his wife.

oh yeah i also think linda’s parents are still together. i love that contrast with four-times-wed herc shipwright

chief pilots are part of the hiring process at airlines. it’s canonically established that he did everything he could on his part to make sure she got the air cal job without his conflict of interest getting in the way. bc i don’t think he would have even let her apply if he didn’t believe she would be the best fit for the position

he’s got to be such an upstanding man to his employees. he must command so much admiration for people to want him to notice them (and try to get his daughter to put in a good word for them in the process). he must command so much respect for linda to be so upset at the mere suggestion that he might have influenced her acceptance to the company.

speaking of employees, he and herc have to at least have an understanding for herc to be so confident that he can recommend arthur higher up in the air cal chain of command

herc was probably hired in unusual circumstances, so chief pilot fairbairn probably remembers him in particular. even without the headcanon of herc and linda being work besties, that has to be true

even then, if herc and linda are besties, chief pilot fairbairn wouldn’t be warm with herc on the basis of that understanding. he’s literally like “linda, you think you can ‘fix’ him?……well, i’ve never found the desire to doubt in you, and i’m certainly not about to start now.”

but i think he comes around. eventually. maybe herc and chief pilot fairbairn don’t become bffs but fairbairn feels at least some gratitude for herc being there for his daughter where he couldn’t

chief pilot fairbairn is just so suncoded. everyone basks in his warmth. he’s a cuddler through and through, who loves when he is able to hold his wife and/or his daughter. but Watch Out

he’s always calm and gives the appearance of having an easygoing personality which is kind of opposite of linda canonically being headstrong and sometimes combative, but i think if you fuck up so badly and manage to piss him off. Watch Out

he has a mustache and thighs and a belly and body hair. and his sense of fashion is stuck a few decades back. he’s irresistible.

i think he listens to a lot of 70s soft rock. sometimes mellow 80s. linda got her music taste from him too

i really don’t know how to end this. stan chief pilot fairbairn i guess

[mahiiimahiiii]

Light quarian drabble, gonna slightly establish my quarian lore.

🫀 I think hair is very important to their culture, in the sense of some PI cultures where it carries power.

🫀 respectfully, in quarian culture it's knowlage that it carries.

🫀before a pilgrimage, the one whose coming of age which I'm dubbing "khel'zot" (the one who is growing), is sat down and their hair buzzed off.

🫀because their hair grows relatively faster than humans, they qualify the growth of hair a direct co-ordinaton of how much they know

🫀so if your pilgrimage is successful, the longer the hair you have (successful in the means that you've brought something home, it's a low bar)

🫀hair can also be represented by the headscarfs that are apart of their armor. The length can denote how long their hair is

🫀often femme quarians noted that like hair the scarves can get in the way. They've begun to tie and fix their hair up into various styles

🫀once the home world is captured they have the space to integrate the actual culture around hair again

🫀some may remove their helms, others just the mask but either way they'll have to style their hair.

🫀just to note: the signs of an unsuccessful pilgrimage are shorter hair and the stunted hair growth. The only problem that would cause that is not returning home.

🫀I put down some examples of quarian hair in my doodles below :))

[wizmoment]

Random shit about Z:

RANDOM Z SHIT!!!!

No matter how your food looks tastes or smells, Z will most likely be very VERY grateful to eat it, they are so used to eating frozen and canned foods that anything homemade would be wonderful.

Z was sorta trained like a dog in some sorta sense??? having barely any autonomy, Nurse is trying to fix this, Make Z understand that they are their own person, but it’s going to be a while (this can be said about all the others too, the older they are the harder its gonna be.)

I def feel like Z would be a cake lover, if they ever get a good taste of some cakes Z would go crazy for them.

Z’s hair is actually pretty dirty, gets dirty fast too because how long it is and how Z will crawl and duck about without any care, they don’t really give a fuck about their appearance obviously, but Nurse tries her best to make sure Z and the others are hygienic enough to not get sick.

Speakin of appearances, i debated and switched around this idea for a bit, originally Z wasnt supposed to have hair anywhere on their body since it would be, idk, “unnatural” for an adult that has no shavers or anything like that to be completely hairless, but Decided they should infact have body hair! Its very soft and extremely light and the only way to tell with them is if you touch their arm or leg, and if they had darker hair it would be very noticeable!!

On the same page though, Z’s physical growth being stunted due to what shes been put thru does make her very , VERY mildly upset if/when she stops to actually think about it, especially now that she and the others are free, realizing theres a whole world out there that just keeps growing alongside other people except leaving her behind. she has so much catching up to do without really realizing it.

Z used to have ginger hair, freckles and brown btw :3 !!! Maybe one day she’ll get em back, or maybe not, probably not..

Z and the others had to eat parts of a dead person before when escaping, a few kids got pretty sick afterwards, it wasn’t a good experience for any of them, but the lack of food around while travelling/escaping was making everything much harder on them.

[splendidissimus]

late 2000 - Too Tall

((Content warning: none))

Genre: fluff

Romance level: high

Angst level: 0/5

Draco's headspace: playful

((words: ~950))

------------------------------------

"If you could stop now, that would be ideal."

Theo blinked several times and looked down at Draco, who was looking up at his face with a haughty frown, then looked at the book open in his hands, trying to figure out what he had done. "Sure?" He flopped the book closed and set it back on the top shelf. 

"See, you've done it again." 

"You're really going to have to help me out here…"

"Be tall."

That startled out a laugh. "I should stop being tall?"

"At the least you should stop getting taller," Draco sniffed. "You've well broken six feet in the last year, and that's going to be quite problematic when I say I'm six feet tall."

Theo looked Draco up and down, appraising. "You're not, though, right?"

"Well I'm going to claim it regardless, aren't I? Then I'll have you looming over me like a great leafless tree to call me a liar."

"Sorry." Theo shrugged. "I'll stand further away so it looks like I'm smaller, if that'll help." 

"I appreciate the initiative, and that it would make you look terribly creepy. Can you imagine seeing you lurking in the background wherever I go, staring at me constantly? I'd look like I had a haunt." 

Theo laughed at the thought and went down the line of books, fingers running over the titles as he looked. "How tall do you reckon I am? I hadn't even really thought about it."

"You hadn't thought about how tall you are?" Draco pointed out sceptically. "When you used to go to my chin and now you're looking at my hair?" 

"It just happened," he said with a shrug. "I didn't really notice."

"I think you're a liar, but let's find out for you." He made a motion with his wand and conjured a measuring tape like they'd see in a robe shop. "Stand up straight."

"I am."

"You're slouching; you always slouch."

He tried to straighten up. "Better?"

"No, your posture is atrocious. Stand still." Draco pulled on his shoulder and pushed on his back to try to fix it. 

"Ack, what are you doing, I don't bend that way."

"Yes you do, this is how people are supposed to be shaped, not like a willow. Head back. Feet together."

"I feel like I'm trying to impersonate your mother…"

"Good, her posture is excellent." 

While Draco was fixing his terrible bearing, one thing became abundantly clear: when he was standing up properly, it was now Draco who didn't even reach to his nose. Theo could comfortably look down at the fringe-part on the top of his head — inasmuch as anything about standing up like he was tied to a pole was comfortable. "Hurry up before I fall over." 

Draco manoeuvred the tape measure against him with his magic and then brought it down, folded at the mark, to read his height. "Six-foot four. Honestly, who needs so many inches? That's just ostentatious."

"Huh." Theo slumped back into his comfortable slouch and tilted the tape measure in Draco's hands so he could read it too, just for confirmation. "That must make you five… what, eight?"

"Ten, thank you." He levitated the measure around to demonstrate, and he was exactly right. "Hasn't changed in years, since a certain curse stunted my growth. Lucky I was a tall teenager. I couldn't imagine being trapped at the size of you when you were sixteen." He wavered his hand around his shoulder, which was exaggerating how short he'd been. Probably. 

"Well, five-ten's perfectly respectable. It's almost as tall as your mum, isn't it?" 

He grinned at Draco's (mock?) offended glare, but unfortunately, Draco didn't rise to the bait and admit out loud that he was the same size as his mother. He Vanished the tape measure instead. "It would be perfectly respectable, without you there to undermine it."

"I'm really sorry I went and outgrew you. It was very rude of me." 

Draco lifted his wand. "I could fix that for you…"

"No!" He stepped back and pulled down a large book to hold defensively between them. "Do not transfigure me short — all right, I admit it, I know I'm tall now and I like it, I don't want to go back." 

"Come on, where's that Amortentia poisoning? If you really cared for me, you'd adjust your height to make me look better." 

"You bastard," he laughed. Draco raised his eyebrows and waggled his wand wheedlingly. "My Amortentia poisoning is actually telling me that if you were smaller it would be even easier to keep you close all the time, so how about we knock six or ten inches off you instead. You would be properly cute." 

"Yeah, we won't be doing that…" Draco drawled in his most inarguable voice. 

"All right, but I am going to keep imagining it, now that you made me think of it." Theo put his book-shield back where it came from and reached out for Draco's hand. "Here, let me see something."

"What?"

"Just let me see." Draco did let him pull him close, and he snugly wrapped his arms around him. He also found, if he stood up straight and did a little stretching, he could set his chin on top of his head. "There, that's not so bad, is it?" It was really nice, actually. Draco tucked all tight against him, with the warmth of his heated robe and the quick patter of his heart against his chest, and the perfect smell of his hair… 

"I hate you," Draco said, muffled in his chest, and looped his arms around Theo's waist with a silent squeeze. Theo laughed, kissed the side of his head, and didn't let him go.

[archangeltwins]

parental vent under the cut

You're my parents. If you wanted a normal child, why did you have me at all? You withheld serious medical information from me while I was a kid. I grew up thinking that I was like everyone else, but your denial and coddling has now cost me everything. Everything.

Friends. Connections. Family. Support. Personal Growth.

Boundaries. You've never let me have my own, nor respected them. You tell people I'm autistic without seeing if I've given my explicit consent to divulge that information. You barge in even after knocking. You've accused me of being on drugs if I was too happy or moody. You kept me feeling like I was a felon in my own home for just wanting some time alone. You tell people of your struggles as a parent knowing what was wrong, but did you ever once take into account how I felt?

How I feel now, still, knowing there was something wrong with me, feeling like I was fundamentally broken and wholly unloved and unwanted and lonely as a kid?

I fantasized about getting switched with another family's child. I fantasized about running away. That I was from another world entirely. And often.

Sure, you fed me, you clothed me, you gave me a roof over my head -- that's the bare fucking minimum -- but was the emotional stability really even there???? Between the screaming, the fighting, the bankruptcy, everything.

The picture of me you have in your head isn't my responsibility. You wanted me to respect you as authority whilst you didn't treat me as a person. I masked for survival, I masked so I could have a hair's breadth chance of fitting in. I had routine, and after routine came burnout. I pushed myself to my furthest limits grade-wise to appease YOU, not MYSELF. My accomplishments never felt like they were mine. It was just something I "had to do". I was mature because I masked. Masking kept me from bullying by my peers. Masking kept people from asking questions. Masking kept me safe. No wonder I feel like I'll never be enough. My self-worth has hit bedrock. And now? I still don't have a damn clue who I am. It's like trying to repair a plate that's been smashed into unrecognizable pieces. You say you didn't want raise us how your parents raised you, and yet, you did. You complained constantly about the switches, the smacks, the soap, the yelling. You've spanked. You've lectured. You've belittled. You've insulted and invalidated. You instilled fear in me so severe I'll likely never get over it. I'll always jump at keys jingling, heavy footsteps, slammed doors. I'll always be afraid of confrontation.

How about going to church and hearing about how we were all shameful and sinful and me, thinking I was doubly condemned to burn from the start by being undiagnosed neurodivergent? Not telling me was inherently neglectful. Getting my diagnosis was the straw on the camel's back. I'm different. I'm wrong. I'm a liar / fibber. I'm lazy. I need fixing. I'm selfish. I'm ungrateful. I'm a bitch. I'm entitled. That sounds like projection to me. You say respect is earned, but you constantly dismiss mine. Your expectations for me were too fucking high, even as a kid.

I'll always be terrified of making my own decisions, but at least I'm learning to do them scared.

" We got spanked and we turned out fine ". If you think violence is an inherently good thing to use as punishment against actual, living and breathing children, you've internalized that message. I'm sorry that those who were supposed to protect you, didn't. That they failed as parents. You shouldn't lay your hand on a kid, ever. Your overbearingness and fearfulness and sheer desperation to be given attention to have a 'normal' child has stunted me.

Others have it worse, you'd say. This isn't the Oppression Olympics. No one's pain is worth more or less than any others. Hitting a child because you're angry and when they say "I don't know", you accuse them of lying when they're trying to explain, or you fail to listen to them, is wrong. Losing control of your emotional maturity during arguments is wrong. Giving the silent treatment is wrong. Making me apologize without telling me what I did wrong made me feel like shit. I didn't learn my lesson, I learned to fear you. That you were bigger and that you were my first bully, not schoolmates. Not a friend. Witholding comfort items was wrong. Threatening to take everything out my room was wrong. Hinting that you'd drive away and never come back -- literal abandonment is wrong. Treating kids like property, to be seen and not heard, is wrong. I was supposed to feel safe. I WAS SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAFE. INSTEAD, YOU MADE ME FEEL INFERIOR. SUB-HUMAN. Congratulations, you've cut off your parent, but you've still perpetuated the cycle. Those names you called me will stay in my head and heart forever. Your 'apology' is meaningless by this point. If you're capable, do some self-reflecting. Going to therapy. Working through your own tangled-up anxiety, paranoia, ex-husband issues, immense guilt, generational trauma, and depression. Or don't, it's not up to me. I love you as a parent, but I don't like you. I'm learning to separate myself from you with my own support network. Hearing you say "it's because she's not normal" like I'm some kind of circus freak, cut deep. I hate you for that. I hate how it's not my voice in my head. It's yours. The puzzle piece gnome has got to go. You advocate, but you don't /advocate/. Using the liquid / hot sauce was cruel. Stopping me from stimming because it was embarassing or childish was stupid. If that's what you're basing your surface-level understanding of autism on, that we're some gifted child prodigy or slovenly basement-dweller who never grows up, then you've got a lot more to unlearn. Fuck the puzzle piece. The org associated with puzzle and bright, kiddie colors? Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks is an organization made up of people who aren't like me, who don't even care. They perpetuate ABA. A way for people who aren't neurodiverse to control people who are. Sitting still. No stimming. No noise. Sit straight. Be like everyone else. Force kids into the neurotypical mold to comply with society. They research a cure. A CURE. Another reference to autism being like a disease. Killing off a facet would be like destroying my entire personality. My sense of self as a part of several marginalized groups. Even now there's efforts by docs to turn the imperfect into perfect by detecting Downs Syndrome and other disabilities in the womb. It's sickeningly eugenicist. Not accepting of your child having a disability? Might as well kill or try to change them. Autism isn't a superpower. Autism isn't just 'being different'. Autism is genetic, not from vaccines. The doc who wrote that false paper lost his license because he was trying to spread misinformation and underhandedly marketed his own vaccine. It's fake. Autism isn't something to gain pity over. Autism moms feign helplessness to get attention for themselves about their kid.

And your commentary rubs me that way. Makes me uncomfortable. Extremely embarrassed.

It leaves an extremely bad taste in my mouth. Disabled isn't a bad word. Being disabled isn't a goddamn cosmic tragedy. Your Man on High didn't give a disabled kids to parents to make them suffer. As another test. That's shifting the blame that you were shit parents.

" With autism / Has autism " makes it sound like I'm damaged or in need of fixing. " You can't drink / have sex / have kids / stay out late ", that's insulting. Making reference to autistics as " cognitively, they're children in adult bodies ", is infantilizing. " Don't want her sitting in a corner drooling ", way to toss higher-support needs disabled under the bus. " The dog is retarded, I'm retarded ", it's still a slur and is disgustingly dehumanizing.

Not even eighty to a hundred years ago parents like you would drop me off in an asylum and never return. People like me would be lobotomized. Treated like a family pet, an animal to gawk at. A fucking zoo exhibit. What do you think modern-day group homes are, if not a paid prison in all but name and dress code? If I get put in one, how much autonomy and independence am I truly going to have? If you want me to succeed, you have to make an effort to teach me, not just thinking I'll one day come to you. It may take a year, three years, ten years. I don't care. I have friends that'll help. I have a whole community online that sticks with me. I am almost thirty for christs sakes and you still, somewhere in there, expect me to be like a dependent little child. I'm not stupid. I'm not incompetent. I've held my tongue for years. Floor's open but you've always fought me on expressing my values, my opinions, my emotions. But something needs to give. And I'm tired. My anger is mine. My grief is mine. And I'm done.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1997 Today’s been a fun and pretty active day.

I’ve been playing new games with the kittens. I go down into the pool and sneak up to the edges with an object that they try to catch. Also, I’ve been throwing balls around both down in the pool and up on the patio.

I got a kick out of Tom earlier, who got the back room looking nice again till he trashes it again. He said he wanted to show me how he and the bird play and how the bird bobs his head up and down along with him. The bird wasn’t bobbing his head in a game. The bird was scared shitless! I asked him, “That’s your game? Scaring the shit out of the bird that you think is really playing?”

It was pretty funny, though.

Tom trimmed 3 inches off my hair last night. It looks so much more even and much healthier. However, if it ends up uneven again - fine. I’m not gonna keep cutting it up to the crack of my ass like I just did. Different hair shafts grow faster than others and I suspect that my sides have pretty much had their growth stunted. They don’t move at all compared to the back.

According to Tom, our niece Pam, the one that’s a loser with the 3-year-old spoiled brat, may have ripped us off. All couples, except for us, got lamps. We have enough lamps, but still, if you have to rip off one of your own family members, that’s low. She probably chose us cuz we’re childless and therefore, she figures we’re not as needy as the others. She was said to have been seen leaving with a lot of stuff. Too much stuff. These are the types of scum God loves to impregnate!

Andy’s in crisis again. I swear, we’ve totally swapped lives. Now he’s got a lot of problems, rather than one or two issues. He called 3 times, but there was only one message from him. He said he really needed to talk, but wouldn’t get into what was wrong. I had gotten up, though, when he said he was due in at work. I left him a message. I’m sure it’s over someone ripping him off at work, at home (he’s got another druggie roommate, Laura’s male friend), his loneliness, or his wanting pot if he hasn’t smoked it already.

No therapy for him, unfortunately. He was looking forward to that, but they lied to him and told him he could get more free hours than he really could. See, he’s in the same predicament I am, in a sense. He can’t get what would “fix” his life, so to speak. What he wants/needs is love, and to be around clean, honest people. But he can’t have that love and I don’t think he wants to be around clean people. Even he admitted to me that he’s attracted to druggies, but now that he’s cleaned up, maybe he’ll feel differently. And maybe he’ll attract clean people easier, too, cuz clean people typically want other clean people.

Anyway, since he can’t get what he really wants, he goes for the next best thing; he wants me to be there for him by phone for an hour or more every day, and that just can’t be, but whatever’s going on with him, I hope it isn’t too bad. I hope he’s not really miserable or anything like that.

So far, it appears this New Year’s Eve is to be a freeloader-free one. Now I’m back to thinking that maybe there hasn’t been someone over there every day, cuz last night there were no lights on. There are no lights on over there now, either, but earlier, the father stopped over for a bit. At least that’s who we think it was. The car’s still in the same spot. Right now, it’s so peaceful out as far as dogs go, but not by the end of the weekend. By the time the weekend’s out, the dog and the assholes will be back and the early evening hours will be filled with that fucking beast’s barking. Well if it is, the wee hours of the nights that I’m up, will be filled with all kinds of racket on my part! It’s a two-way street around here from now on.

I typed up and sealed in an envelope that we won’t open till next year at this time, my predictions for 1998. It’s basically gonna be a still year. I don’t know if I’ll return to smoking or if the freeloaders will be gone that year for sure, but here’s what I do know: neither of us will go to a doctor in regard to our sex lives and my sterility. The sex will be basically the same. I think that we’ll both be used to and OK with having sex in spurts, and with him cumming on the average of every two weeks to two months. I know how he really feels about a kid, but I see this as being a year where I really learn to live with and accept having no child and to even focus on its pros.

I see that we’ll still be living here and that Tom will still be at the bank. His mother will live through this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1997 Last night really sucked. I was really depressed. Tom reminded me that millions of other women can’t have kids and that they just live with it. And also, not getting pregnant for years, for those who can, isn’t uncommon. True. Or else people’s kids wouldn’t be so spaced out, but instead, there are usually years between siblings. You only have 12 days you’re fertile unless you’re like me and have some problem, out of a 365-day year. So, unless a guy can/will cum several days in a row around the right time, getting pregnant will take years. People don’t usually have sex consistently on a daily basis, so hitting that right 24-hour period in a whole month’s time, isn’t so likely.

Tom said that he was sorry if he seemed hard on me. Then he wanted sympathy for his hurt toe (didn’t I say something always hurts him?) and I told him to try having sympathy for a woman who can’t have a child. He said he does, it tears him up inside, if he could change it he would, etc. Yeah well, he can’t change it. If I’m right, something’s wrong/deformed within my uterus, and there’s nothing he or any specialist can do. God made sure of that. I just have to trust that God isn’t just trying to punish me and inflict pain upon me by denying me a child and that he did the right thing. After all, I’d have only been an incompetent, abusive mother, supposedly. I must put my foot down once and for all and just live with my sterility and quit trying to change/control my weight, our sex lives, etc. I have to just accept the fact that I tried, but I can’t lose weight, can’t change our sex lives, can’t change my sterility, and that I’m just wasting my time if I try to fight it. This guy will hardly cum. I’m sterile. I must let things be however they’re gonna be. That’s all I can do anyway. I don’t want to have such a hard, miserable life and another 4 years or more dwelling on how I can never have a kid. I can’t help my feelings, but at the same time, I’ve got to turn my feelings off any way I can so I can go on living. I want to live in peace, not feeling a gap in my life for as long as I live. All my life, there’s always been some issue that eats at me for years. Yeah? Well, no more!!

Later…

My opinions about what’s going on next door have fluctuated, but right now, I’d say they can’t be that afraid, cuz it looks like they’re trying to catch a certain person that sent them some “hate mail.” It seems that they’re trying to make it seem that the house is empty, but they’re doing a bad job of it. I’d say, though, that the car, that’s been sitting in the same spot for days now, is bait, and due to the fact that he’s obviously some kind of car dealer, he can use other cars. That’s probably why he was in that white thing. She strikes me as the type to get pissed off at such mail and eager to stay around and catch whoever’s behind it, rather than the type to run scared. But then why’d she call the cops? Maybe the cops had nothing to do with the letter after all but had something to do with him, cuz he definitely hasn’t been here every day like the bitch has.

Even though I have a million reasons to hate God, I thank him for this second temporary absence of the dog. If it were over there now, it’d be obnoxious at this hour, but cuz it’s not, all’s peaceful. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, but hey, they’ll be hearing me, too.

Now Tom’s not sure if this bird’s a she. He says that Tweety may be a he, but who really cares either way?

I had to stop taking the Dexatrim, cuz after just 3 hours of sleep I’d wake up, then have a hard time falling back to sleep. It was also making me a bit more nervous/moody. It said that this could happen, too. Also, I cut my food intake in half, if not more, only to gain two goddamn pounds. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. Fuck it, like I said. I give up on everything - the weight, the sleeping with him (he’ll just have to sleep on the couch if he’s sleeping when I am), the sex and the kid. I have no choice anyway, cuz God made those choices for me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1997 How smooth of him. I tell him we can have fun anytime, as long as he doesn’t play his mid-cycle games cuz he’s a scaredy-cat who also loves to tease, and he says he doesn’t want the pressure of having to count days and look on calendars to see if he’d be “risking it.” In other words, he says he doesn’t want to make sure he knows when I’m mid-cycle, then have to be paranoid about my blaming him if the sex “doesn’t work out.” So, he’s trying to cover himself. However, if he’d just admit his fears, instead of making sure he doesn’t get in there, we’d have no problem. We live together. I can’t hide when I get my period, and therefore, I can’t hide when I’m mid-cycle. The guy’s not stupid, either. For the first couple of years, he avoided me during mid-cycle, but now, it seems he’ll do anything to lure me into sex during those times, cuz I really believe he does enjoy teasing me, but at the same time he’s scared to deal with the responsibility of my either losing a child or having one. It’s like he has no empathy or compassion for what I’m going through. Then again, how could any man or woman that’s had kids, even begin to understand my situation? I thought it might be best if I made up excuses where we couldn’t have sex during those times, but then I’d be just as guilty as he is of not coming totally clean, even though I know I can’t ever conceive. Who knows? Maybe this fear of my conceiving he’s got really is a subconscious thing for him and he doesn’t know it.

We did have a good time shopping together. I kind of regret going to the mall, though, cuz it was almost like a Friday night there! It was mobbed with people looking for after-Christmas deals and kids on vacation.

Tom got what was his Christmas present from me that he’s been looking for. It’s a hair-cutting thing. You hook it to a vacuum and it sucks up the hair and cuts the amount that you set it to cut. Tom really likes it. Speaking of hair things, he said I should try the hair removal system again and that it’s now in stores everywhere, so it can’t be that much of a rip-off. Well, it is. It’s total bullshit.

We also got a new colorful comforter with pastel colors mostly and a matching sheet set.

At Office Max, I got fluorescent multi-colored computer paper, and a small notepad of fluorescent multi-colored paper, a cactus mouse pad, and a box of a dozen of my favorite pens. They didn’t have purple in stock, so I got blue.

Boy, this bird is pretty animated tonight. Not with chirping. She chirps very little. But I guess she’s filing her beak now.

Andy has a therapy appointment today, so I’m sure he’ll leave me 2-3 full messages about it. I do want to hear about it, but not for that long!

What the fuck was that? Was that the black bitch yelling? Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck’s up with them. Yes, it does seem that no one’s moved the gray car he’s been driving, but then where is he? Why’s he driving the white car (if it’s really him driving it)? Why would you move out, get a different car, and leave your old one where you moved from? That is if he did move out. He couldn’t have gone too far, cuz he’s been showing up at least every few days. I’m sure he, his dog, and his music will be back to stay anytime from now till the 1st. Tom said he doubts New Year’s Eve will be rocking over there, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was activity over there on New Year’s Day. If he’s in the picture there will be. Anyhow, I think that at least the bitch has been there. Tom said that last night every single light was on, then they were off later at night. So, I don’t know if they’re scared of the letter or if the cops had anything to do with the letter or what. I’ve heard weird sounds like they could be moving/packing sounds, but right now, I’d say that she’s not going anywhere and that loverboy and doggie shall return any second. Maybe his not moving that car is a plant. They could know that they don’t have enough evidence to take me to court, and are using the white one while they hope to maybe catch me on tape doing something to the gray one. Who knows? All I know is that if they’re a problem with noise, I’ll be a problem with noise and more if I don’t beat their asses.

Drinking those wine coolers really makes me relax. In fact, they make me sort of drowsy, so maybe they’ll help me sleep when I can’t, and even get on schedule when I need to or want to. The Benadryl helps, too.

Andy says I’m swapping one addiction for another. First of all, I don’t see how 1-2 little bottles a day could hook me. And even if it did - better to be hooked on that than hooked on cigarettes. Especially when you’ve got asthma. And someone with no job, no kids, and who doesn’t drive, doesn’t need to worry as much. Lastly, if I can quit smoking, I can quit anything.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1997 I finally got a hold of Paula, but I will never ever talk to her again with that kid there. First, she interrupts me a million times to scream and threaten it, then she puts me on hold forever, but I just hung up at that point. She’s such a ditz!

I’m in a rather numb kind of mood right now. Destiny struck today and if he’d just get off from the 9th to the 12th, I could show him I really am sterile, but he just won’t do that! He’s just too scared and too determined to fight me with this issue. I told him this and he said, “Then let’s go for it.” Yeah, right! You know how many times he’s said that and got cold feet and just had to play games instead? I told him I know he won’t go for it. I know he’s too scared. In fact, I’m just not gonna bother to go near him when I’m mid-cycle. That way I don’t have to worry about him doing something he’s terrified of and would rather not do, and I don’t have to play his games with him. He’s only gonna be struck with sudden amnesia and “forget” how to get in there. He won’t even go inside me then, and he’ll just make up some lame excuse for why he didn’t, like the angle or something like that (after mid-cycle and on up to now, he’s had no problems getting in there).

I had said that maybe it’d be best to go to a doctor just to prove my point to Tom about the sterility, so we’d have one less thing to disagree on, but you know what? I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be normal. First, it was being dragged to Boston to make me a normal ear, then it was me trying to be a normal child who was accepted and loved, not betrayed and rejected, and now I’m supposed to see a doctor to inquire about a normal reproductive system? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m just so fucking sick of trying for what’s supposed to come naturally and be normal. If I can’t sleep with my husband, fine, cuz I’m not gonna keep trying. We just won’t sleep together. And I’m not gonna “try” to get pregnant. First off, I can’t get pregnant. And secondly, I shouldn’t have to belittle myself by having to “try” for something like that.

Tom said he was disappointed with how December went. Well, he doesn’t show it, I told him. He said he doesn’t show his emotions like I do. Oh. OK. Then I had a moment where I must’ve lost my mind, cuz I thought that the only way for me to get up the guts to defy God and see a doctor I shouldn’t be seeing, would be by Tom’s strength like it was his strength that got me through the ear surgery and the not smoking, but what for? Just to be told what I already know - that I can’t have a child? Just for him to fight the doctors along the way and maybe even put a guilt trip on me about the whole thing? He don’t want to cum regularly. He don’t want sex full-time. He don’t want no kid. And God’s totally on his side.

As for the cigarettes, oh I miss them so much! I don’t know if I can go much longer without smoking. I am getting so much closer to breaking down and going back to smoking. I even had Tom get me a wine cooler to relax me yesterday (I’ve completed the 12 weeks of the gum).

Later…

I just freaked out a bit and had Tom get me some more of that berry-flavored wine cooler. I almost had him get me cigarettes. I mean, why should it be so important for me to breathe well? Why should I worry about disappointing him when he’s let me down, too? Anyway, I decided I’d get something that’d relax me, rather than something that’d make it hard for me to breathe. I could get used to a few glasses of wine a day. Better that than cigarettes, I guess. Especially when you have asthma.

In Freeloader news, it looks like no one’s been staying there regularly. The dog’s still not there, but his car has been parked deep in the carport and has appeared not to be moved as if he hasn’t been around. The reason Tom thinks he isn’t around is cuz of how deep he parked in the carport, which is pretty inconvenient. Well, he’s afraid for that car. He probably felt better with it more hidden and like he stood a better chance of boxing in and catching anyone that may fuck with it.

I was just beginning to wonder if he wasn’t arrested shortly after the pigs showed up over there, or if he wasn’t out of state, but he just came in in a white car of some kind that we’ve never seen before. I didn’t see anyone clearly, but who else could it be? Why he’s not driving his car, beats me, but it appears that at least two people came in to put the recycle bin out. Something you wouldn’t do at 1 PM unless you’re not staying there, as Tom pointed out. Well, they can’t be staying that far out of town to be able to come in at least every other day like what seems to be the case, so is this and the fact that the dog and patio toys are gone mean they’re moving? Cuz I don’t see how this can have anything to do with the holidays at this point. Christmas is over. They moved in slowly, so maybe they’re moving out slowly, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. It does, though, seem like they’re running from something that’s scared the shit out of them!

I began taking Dexatrim, which will hopefully be an even more effective appetite suppressant, that’ll allow me to lose weight. I’m currently at 116, so, we’ll see where it goes from here.

We went to a hardware store this morning to pick out what we like for a new cabinet/sink for the bathroom. We’re both sick of this ugly old sink that has no cabinets.

I got a couple of little cactuses, too, but don’t know where I’m gonna plant them yet. It seems that Bunny’s taken to destroying my cactuses.

Lastly, we went to a pet store and got two more little wheels for the mice, mice food, and a nice blue birdcage and a loop stand for it. He matches his cage well, but Tom says he’s a she. From what research he’s done, it’s a she over 6 months old. Whatever.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1997 I think the dog’s back. Yeah, I knew it’d be just a matter of time before he, his dog, and his music were back. He and the music haven’t returned yet, but there’s this white car I just saw and I think this is the car that’s been taking and bringing the dog. I had thought they were using trucks and thought I had heard one of those big ones that beep as you back it up and bring the dog back the last time, but maybe not.

I had wondered if his not being around much lately was cuz of the letter, but no way. First, it’s too long after the letter was sent and second, I still don’t think they contacted them. I think they’re just having a temporary spat or that he’s out of town visiting family, but he’ll be back any second. I wish I could say that that was his dog and that she never liked or wanted a dog and that they had such a bad fight that if they end up together again, it’ll be after we’ve moved.

Tweety’s uttered a few chirps, but for the most part, he’s still silent and shy.

Later…

The white car’s gone, but I don’t know yet if the dog’s back for sure. I will at sundown if it is.

Lisa and I had a quick talk and she told me something I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear. I feel so bad for those girls. They’ve got their mother abusing them mentally and their father abusing them physically. Lisa said she’s glad Bill’s gone and hopes he and Tammy get divorced. I hope so, too. Neither of them should’ve been parents, but since God insists that almost all kids must have at least one bad parent, I hope Bill’s out of the picture for good. I’d kick his ass if I could have a few minutes with the bastard. People like him have got to go. And what about Tammy? Doesn’t she have any self-respect not to associate with anyone who could be violent to her or her kids? Doesn’t she care about the kid’s safety? For once, God gave the right person cancer. Only problem is that he forgot to kill him.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1997 I guess that Jackie, Jim, Nora and Ray thought that 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit, 3 cats, 16 mice and 30 pigeons weren’t enough, cuz we got a parakeet! David dropped him off yesterday. He’s blue, his wings are clipped, and I’ve been calling him Tweety. I may be a rodent expert, but I don’t know squat about parakeets. I tried looking them up on AOL and didn’t get shit, cuz they were giving me all kinds of different birds and mumbo jumbo. I think their lifespan is about 3-5 years. I’ll call a pet store and ask if I have to. Tom says they’re easy to care for. I don’t know just how noisy he is yet, cuz he hasn’t been here yet in the daytime and I know they’re “dayturnal.” He’s so little compared to the pigeons. The cage he’s in is OK, but I may get this cute little pink cage on a stand that I saw when we were in the pet store. In his cage, he’s got a couple of perches, seed, water, and sandpaper to file his beak down with. Guess their beaks keep growing like rodents’ teeth do. That’s why rodents chew everything they can.

David also had a dress for me that Jackie’s too big for.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1997 Tom told me some big news on next door. As soon as he told me the police were there, I automatically figured it was over my prank letter. But then he told me they were there at 11:30 when he was on his way to work Tuesday night. Why would she call that late over a letter if that’s what it was about? Could she have gotten in late? Why would anyone call the police over a letter? They can’t do anything about that, especially that late, but maybe she didn’t know that if that’s what that was about.

It could also be that she and Loverboy had a spat, but according to Tom, his car wasn’t even there. Maybe they fought, then he took off before the cops arrived.

Yesterday, when we were driving in, we saw his car there. This was around noon. Tom said maybe she doesn’t know he’s there and that’s why he came over at that hour. When he knew she’d be out. Well, she knew he was there later, though. I haven’t heard any dog or music, but I peeked out and saw his car out front when I heard a voice. She sounded as pissed as she usually sounds when I hear her talking, but as old as these single-paned windows are, as close as they are, and as loud as she talks, I couldn’t make out this bitch’s words. All I know is that she spoke to him for a few minutes, then he left, and if there’s a car there now, it’s deep in the carport where I can’t see it by peering out the front.

Yesterday we went to the library, where I picked up 3 books, then we went to see Ma over at Mary’s. Unfortunately, Ma looked weak, tired, and she was very shaky. It was still nice to see her, of course, but Mary and Dave were at work.

Ma got her room there all set up with Tom’s old bed. They painted the walls pale green.

We got our presents from Ma and Mary/Dave, but Tom will have to go over to pick up our gifts from the others at some point this week. Ma said she’d bring them back to the house for us.

Anyway, Tom got a fire extinguisher, a T-shirt (like he needs any more of those as cute as this one was), and a really cool pudding pie kit. There are 4 boxes of pudding and two pie crusts.

I got a big box of microwave popcorn. There must be 15 bags. A puzzle that’s two puzzles in one, so when I finish it, I’ll have to flip it over so I can see the mystery puzzle on the back. And lastly, another cat journal, but if I had to get a duplicate, at least it’s a nice one to be duplicated.

Tom’s gonna make copies of a tape he made of a Christmas get-together from when he was about 12.

Later…

Today’s been a fun and relaxing day so far. It’s a good thing I’ve only got a few days till I begin dieting, cuz I’m gonna need to! At 119 pounds, it’s time to try to change fate here, but I accept that there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to.

We screwed early in the morning and as I figured, no problems getting inside. I’m due for my period any second now.

We mostly spent the day reading. I wrote, listened to music, and worked on my puzzle, too.

Bunny, the cats, Measles, and other birds are outside. I fed them, the pig and mice.

The doorbell rang at noon. I didn’t think it was Miss Bitch in regard to the letter on Christmas Day and a few days after getting the damn thing, and it wasn’t. It was David. He stopped to give us our gifts from them and from Carol and Steven, as they were on their way to Jackie and Jim’s.

We got a star with a face in it that you hang, and a decorative birdcage with a bird in it on a perch. It’s small, at only a few inches square.

Tom’s napping now till I get him up at 5:00. He has to go in to work tonight. He had last night off, though.

It’s been quiet around here. The assholes haven’t been home, I don’t think, cuz I haven’t heard anything. No kids have been out to use the basketball hoop. It’s pretty chilly out there, although I don’t think kids would care.

I forgot to mention that the toys that have been on their front patio for ages next door are gone. Tom said that maybe she reported a prowler that night and took the toys in. I doubt it. The more I think about it, the more I think this calling the cops and taking the toys in, has to do with my letter. On the other hand, I didn’t think she’d get scared enough to call cops and pull in toys. Mad, yes, but scared, I didn’t think so.

I’m utterly amazed that the dog hasn’t been there and again I wonder why. Well, if they gave the dog up for any reason, although I doubt that and am sure it’ll be back, I wonder if she’ll get another dog if she’s this scared over the letter?

Anyhow, the library book I got is so good, so I want to get back to it. Will write more later.

Later…

A little while ago I heard music and was thinking that they figure it’s me behind the letter, so they’re blasting me out. Along with God’s punishment to me and him letting me know a “change” is due and the dog will be back soon enough. Then when I didn’t see any car pull in, I realized it could very well be some car across the street. Lots of houses across the street have lots of cars parked in front. And also, it’s too quiet over there. If they had pulled in, they’d be out playing ball, talking, barbecuing, whatever. I know these people don’t like colder weather, but they would on my behalf. Well, Tom will let me know if there’s a car there when he leaves for work in a few hours. But just in case someone is over there, I don’t want to be seen spying after that letter. That could freak her out into doing something crazy, like shooting at the house.

At this point I really wonder - are these people ever gonna move? Or am I stuck with them till we move?

Later…

Awesome! Oh, how totally awesome! From out back I can see a basketball hoop in the yard where the guard dogs live two houses down. I’m so glad it’s there and not out front and I hope to hell it stays there! This way I shouldn’t hear it like I’d hear it out front cuz the ball’s gonna bounce onto the grass. I’m amazed that they didn’t put it out front, but I won’t complain! Just please God, let them keep it there! This should also deter them from using next door’s hoop, although if God really wants to replace them with other kids, he can and will.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1997 I slept forever last night! And of course, I woke up at the exact same weight I went to bed at. I just have no metabolism whatsoever. I just ate a TV dinner and naturally, I’m still starving, feeling as if I didn’t eat a thing. Most of the time, waking up is hard cuz I wake up so damn hungry, that I almost feel sick. I guess my body’s making up for all those years I ate like a bird and would be full for hours after just a few bites and it’s gonna be so hard to stick to my New Year’s resolution! I’m gonna be so hungry! And on top of severe hunger pains, I have to exercise like hell, but at least I can breathe.

Later…

I guess no one came to the door after all, regarding a certain letter. Of course, I still don’t know if anyone was over there yesterday to get it in the first place.

Tom will be in any minute now and later this morning, we’ll be going to see Mom who’s over at Mary’s. We’ll be bringing the Christmas gifts and they’ll bring them to Jackie and Jim’s. That’s where they’re doing Christmas this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1997 That we know of, no car’s been next door since it left on Sunday. However, at least the bitch has been there, cuz Tom said that there were lights on over there when he left in the evening to go to work on Sunday, and they were off when he came in the next morning. Maybe that’s why I could’ve sworn I heard a car door early yesterday morning. It was the bitch’s ride.

It seems perfectly logical to say that the absence of both him and the dog is due to the holidays, but it still makes no sense to take the dog with him (assuming he’s the one out of town). Why not have her or someone they know come to feed the dog? And if he went somewhere to visit family, why didn’t she go too? Maybe she has to work, or maybe they did break up, but I doubt that. I’m sure he and the dog will be back before the New Year. And with him in the picture, I hate to see how New Year’s Eve is gonna be around here. I think I’ll be asleep for New Year’s Eve, though. That is until the fireworks throughout the city wake me.

Today the bitch will get her letter and I know damn well she’ll come knocking on the door about it, so I won’t even bother to answer. On the other hand, maybe I should, cuz that’d be my excuse to pop her. I just hope she doesn’t take me to court and that God will get me for it in other ways (as if a life without a child isn’t enough). If she does, though, that’ll be fine cuz what happened when Stacey and the butch took me to court will happen - nothing.

Tom did an excellent job with molding roses. He didn’t get powder stuck in his molds, either, like I did.

Kim left a message just wanting to wish me a happy Chanukah and to say hi.

Ma emailed me saying they got their gift and loved it and that they’ll be lighting the first Chanukah candle tonight and hopes I will, too. Jewish holidays always begin at sundown on the previous day. I told Tom I thought it’d be a silly waste of time lighting candles, but he says it’s fun, so it won’t hurt me to do it.

Later…

I’m waiting for my TV dinner, so I won’t say much at this point. Just that I’m still torn between doing nothing about the fact that I can’t have a kid, and going to a doctor and hearing it from an expert. It’s just that I got to thinking about how Tammy said she and Bill always disagree. Well, if Tom heard it from an expert that I was sterile since he doesn’t want to find that out the old-fashioned way, then that’ll be one less thing for us to argue about. Also, I couldn’t claim he was too scared to prove me right or wrong about the sterility if a doctor verified I couldn’t conceive for sure.

On the other hand, I know the truth. Therefore, it shouldn’t matter what he thinks or does.

Later…

I just talked to Kim. The temperature there wasn’t too bad when we spoke, but it was in the process of snowing!

I’ve been trying to reach Paula for a few weeks, but there’s never an answer there. Her phone still exists and I’ve been leaving messages, but who knows what’s up with her?

I wish I could make myself invisible, as well as anywhere I wanted to be at the snap of my fingers. If I could do that, I’d be silently laughing in the corner of their living room next door while they read my letter. If only I could be there to see their reaction.

I can picture her being too pissed off to read it through right away. She may need time to get through a letter like this. I can also picture her stomping up and down and yelling, “It’s her next door! I just know it is!”

As for him, he’d probably calmly read it out loud, in the midst of her screaming, with a baffled expression. It won’t piss him off, though. Not like it’ll piss her off. I know this won’t scare them, but that’s OK, cuz I wanted to piss them off more. Just like they pissed me off. He’ll be pissed and confused. She’ll be pissed. Real pissed!

Anne and Harry - another one that says they’ll write and send pictures, but then doesn’t. It was around this time last year that Ma (Anne) told me she’d send pictures and a letter, but I never got it. Anyway, I sent them a letter. I hope I hear from them this time, but I won’t count on it. At least I know that they’ll read my letter and enjoy hearing from me.

10 AM

I went to call Tammy, but there was no answer. Then I called Larry’s house. No answer. Then I called Larry’s work and was told he’d gone to Florida. So I called my folks. Mom and Dad were there, but Larry, Sandy, and Jen had just left to go shopping.

I wished my folks a Happy Chanukah and told them to tell that to the others, too. Dad said it was hot and humid. I wish it was warm here, but he can have the humidity.

So what are they doing down there, anyway? I thought Larry had basically decided to just stick to occasional phone calls with them, but nothing more since he wasn’t too happy with them. I also thought the trip to Florida would bring back hurtful memories since he and Larry traveled those roads a lot. And lastly, I thought Sandy couldn’t stand Ma.

Well, hopefully, they’ll enjoy their vacation there.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1997 It’s a cold, damp, rainy night, as I write this. It rained all day yesterday and it’s still at it. There was really loud thunder just as I was drifting off to sleep.

Tom and I figured that next door and their dog had to be gone somewhere for the holidays. I was all set to enjoy the peace till their return, but when I got up at 11 PM and looked outside, I saw that the car wasn’t there where I could see it. So, it’s back to the dog and having to listen to the music till I get so fed up again that I wish I could pummel the shit out of Blackie.

Yesterday was a great day and if there was ever a day to be thankful to God for my gift of having a built-in birth control system, it was yesterday. It was fun, different, and a day we could never have had if there had been a kid in the picture. Yeah, I can accept how I am and yeah, I’d say having no kid suits me well after all.

We went at 7 AM to K-Mart’s and spent nearly $300. Most of it was stuff we got for us. He only got an indoor TV antenna that I can remember, but I got lots of things.

We got another box fan, which is a little louder than the last one we got, so now each room has a fan.

For clothes, I got 6 pairs of white socks, a pink satin nightie with spaghetti straps, and a velvety, leopard print short/shirt set. It’s actually something you wear more around the house. The shorts are very short and the top is a tank top.

Got a new laundry basket, too.

I got almost 1000 cute little stickers to decorate my written journals and envelopes, and I gave a few of the holiday ones to Nickolena, Jennifer (Pam’s kid), and Jen (Larry’s kid). I also got those mini stampers that stamp things like palm trees, lips, arrows, paws, etc., each in a different color.

Got two puzzles and another set of 4 curved tubes.

Got 6 very nice journals that are the best I’ve gotten yet at such a bargain price.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything else, I got a high-tech straightening iron. This one’s got a mist in it so as not to be so damaging to the hair as the dry heat is. It also has a comb that you can use if you want to.

For the family, our main theme ended up being lights and puzzles. The younger kids basically got puzzles, the older ones got computer stuff, and the adults mainly got motion sensors with lights and stuff like that.

Later…

I’m keeping my ears peeled now and we’ll see if the shithead comes in for lunch or not. Tom said the car was gone when he left for work at 7:30 last night, and it was gone at 11:00 when I checked, and when he got in at 4:30. So his car didn’t stay there overnight, and I still haven’t heard the dog. Give it time, though. The beast and the music will return. God, this is the longest I’ve had the same asshole neighbors! Well, these assholes are gonna get some lovely mail.

Speaking of assholes, well, that’s Bill for you, and I always said I didn’t like him. Tammy left a message, so I called and asked what was wrong and she told me she and Bill are separated. She said she wasn’t ready to get into it, but it’s basically about his cheating and cutting her down, I guess. She said something about having no freedom in her own home, being made to feel worthless, having not been happy for years, his not being at Lisa’s concert, and the fact that they just never agree (I know that Tammy’s not easy to live with or get along with, either). She said that if she says it’s rainy, he says it’s sunny. I’m both surprised and not surprised that they’re separated. I’m not surprised, cuz most relationships end or have serious troubles. I am surprised since it took 11 years. I thought that since they were together that long, they’d stick it out forever. If there’s any good in being different and of unique qualities like I am, it’s knowing that our marriage won’t fail (cuz it’s the norm for most of them to fail).

So, Bill’s at his parents’ house. They’re now at their house in Florida.

Anyway, I let Tammy know that I’m there for her if she needs to talk. I sent her a note that’ll hopefully cheer her up.

Ma sent home with Tom some really beautiful hand-painted plates. There are two bowls with roses, two floral plates, and one seashell-type plate. I can’t remember the name of it. Anyway, we’ll probably get some plate hangers for them.

I molded a couple of bunnies with that clay and baked them. Tom said they came out great for my first time, but they need work as far as I’m concerned. This clay is hard, so you really have to knead it to soften it up. We had no talcum powder to dust the molds with to make pulling the clay out of it easier, so I used pussy powder. A medicated powder that freshens you up down there when you’re ragging.

It’s a ghost town in the mice’s cages now since they’re more nocturnal. Most of them are now asleep in various burrows.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1997 Yesterday, Tom said he wondered if the car moved at all from next door on Friday. I hope it sits there all weekend and blocks the basketball hoop, I told him. Well, I did sleep just fine yesterday and got up while he was still asleep, so I’ll have to ask him if he heard their dog or if he heard or saw the car leave. It’s out there now, though. I had had an intermittent vibe about some change taking place around this time. It is weird that suddenly the dog appears to be gone and the car just sits there. Maybe the dog attacked him, so they shot it, and he’s in the hospital. Don’t I wish! I just wish they’d move the fuck on and get out of here.

I was up for a little while before I’d completed my sleep, actually. I got up to pee and saw that there were two packages from Kim, and I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep without seeing what was in them first. One had two little house mouse pictures. Fittingly, I put them in back of the mice’s aquarium. There was also a 3-D picture in a glass frame (the glass broke, but I won’t tell her that), and vanilla-scented lotion. This was really nice of her to send and I shall thank her right away, of course.

Later…

I’m amazed that Andy hasn’t called yet.

See? My husband really can be such a liar and a procrastinator. He promised he’d tackle the back room this weekend, but he has yet to touch it. I thought my not smoking was supposed to motivate him. Or was that just another one of his lies to get me to do something he wants?

When Tom was picking up Christmas gifts for his family yesterday, he got a little cordless pump. We were able to drain the last few inches of water that was left in the pool and Jacuzzi.

He also got a couple of push molds. One’s of roses and leaves, one’s of bunnies. He also got pink and green clay. However, I can’t do much with these now, cuz we need talcum powder to dust the molds with so that they don’t stick. These are very small molds, but they’re cute.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1997 Maybe Tom really can count my cycle better than I can. At least for this month. He says I’m due for my period on the 28th. I had thought it was due on Christmas, but I sure as hell don’t feel like my period’s just 5 days away. And also, what luck with the tits! For the last several months, my tits were murderous after just 1-2 weeks after my period, but this month they’re virtually free of soreness. I wonder why?

Watch - if we screw this weekend, Tom will have no problem at least getting in there, since he knows it’s the wrong time for a fertile woman to catch anything. Well, he’s not gonna be the only liar in this household from now on. He’ll say he wants the kid he doesn’t want. Meanwhile, I’ll be saying I don’t want the kid I do want. Maybe that’ll be the only way to get him to curb his games and for me to deal with it and avoid another 4 years of this bullshit.

I liked the form that Bob enclosed in his letter to me today that says: Every day of my life I’m forced to add another name to the list of people who just piss me the fuck off! Then there is a cartoon character looking angry and numbers 1-5 with lines next to them for that list. I think this ought to go to the freeloaders, along with their letter.

My schedule is about the worst it can be for a weekend with the people that live around here. Between all the door slamming and probable ball games that’ll occur, who knows just how peacefully I’ll sleep?

I still haven’t heard the dog and he’s still parking in front of the carport like he does in the winters. If the dog’s still there, and I don’t see how it couldn’t be there, I’ll know it by the next time I go to bed for sure, which will be around noon. I’m sure it’s just cuz of my schedule, that’s the reason why I haven’t heard it. The music would be more of a problem than it has been (at least that I’ve been aware of) if the dog were gone. And of course, you never know if Tom’s been leveling with me as far as what he may have heard.

Maybe he didn’t leave at 7 AM yesterday after all. His car was there when I looked at 8:30, all the way till I crashed, which was close to noon.

Later…

Now I really, really wonder if the dog’s gone. It seems to be gone, cuz it’s just been too quiet. No early evening fits. No breakfast time fits. On weekends I’d hear it more cuz the assholes are home more then.

If the dog’s gone - why? I really wonder. Why?

We screwed earlier and yup - no problem getting in there. No problem getting in on the side, no problem getting in up top. We really ought to screw more often before and after my period.

Tom brought up an interesting possibility. Could the dramatic decrease in nicotine be why my tits are less sore? I never heard anything about nicotine causing tit soreness. Only caffeine and pregnancy, but I’ll never have to worry about that one now, will I?

I was laughing my ass off at the thought of a certain Christmas gift for his family, not that we’d ever get any such thing. My family would’ve gotten a kick out of it, though. I’m talking about puke. Fake puke made out of a rubbery plastic. My folks, Larry, Tammy, Nana, Pa, and I, were once fooling around with a piece of puke like that one Chanukah night when I was around 8 years old.

I remember a glass of wine you couldn’t drink from, too. The liquid was inside the bottom and sides of the glass.

Tom told me the fly in the ice cube was popular when he was about that age (right around when I was born), but I’ve never heard of it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1997 I really wonder now, if the dog’s not gone from next door. This is due to how he’s parked his car in front of the carport for the last few days, and the fact that I’ve heard no barking. Tom said he heard “soft whimpering” that sounded close by, though, but he wouldn’t tell me if it was next door; said he didn’t know. I’m pretty sure it was next door, though, and that he knew it. He’s tried to weasel out of admitting next door’s dog was doing certain barking fits, by saying that it was close, or in that direction.

Cuz of my schedule, I can’t say how the music’s been cuz I haven’t been up when he comes in for lunch or at the end of his day.

The fact that the weekend is now here really stresses me out, cuz you never know what they’re gonna do, or who’s gonna think about playing ball.

We’re gonna be getting an inkjet printer and a flatbed scanner and getting rid of this dot matrix printer that’s so old.

Right now, this lady who’s fortunate enough to have music and art come to her naturally still isn’t feeling as fortunate as she’d like to over the fact that never getting pregnant comes to her naturally as well. God really went all out not just to make me unique, different, and abnormal, he went all out to see to it that I’m just such a naturalist in so many ways. I always did say, after all, that the rarer something is, the easier it comes to me, and the more common it is, the harder it is to do or obtain. Well, I guess all I can do is remind myself that we all want what we can’t have at some point in our lives. If I hadn’t wanted a kid or didn’t care either way, we’d have had that, but then I’d be wishing for something else. Had our sex lives been normal, I’d just wish for something different, something unique.

To my utter amazement, Andy went a few days without calling me. Then he said something about it being “several” days since we talked, in a way that implied that it had been weeks. He knows I’m more tied up on weekends and hate to talk then, so he’ll make it a point to call, I’m sure. God, if you won’t send him Mr. Right for him, please do so for me. That’d get him off my case somewhat if his attention could be tied up in a guy.

I felt bad about going off on him when he was all panicked about his pot desires (he’s been clean for a month). I didn’t mean for my best friend to call me, needing a shoulder to cry on, just to get insulted, but I not only hate the phone - I’ve got a life. It may not be much of one compared to most people, and it may never be the ideal life I dream of, but I have more than phones and TV. I swear, all this guy knows is phones, food, and TV when he’s not working or getting high. I know what he’s going through. I know what it’s like to endure the hardships of quitting a substance you’ve been both physically and psychologically addicted to for years. I know what it’s like to be deprived of a natural, common thing your heart, mind, and body cries out for (love/child), but as I told him, these daily messages about things in general, when we’re not panicking, aren’t necessary. Too much is too much. I loved it years ago, but I’ve moved on, unlike him. What I mean by that is that there’s always gonna be areas in my life where I just can’t move on. On the other hand, I have moved on, gotten a life, and matured. Andy’s changed, too, in wonderful ways. He’s not selfish and insensitive like he used to be, but Andy’s still Andy for the most part. He still lives on phones, he still seeks and attracts losers, and he hasn’t grown intellectually. So, you could say I have mixed emotions about Andy and his life. As his friend, and as someone who knows what it’s like to be denied something that everyone should have, I want to listen to him. At the same time, I’ve got my own problems and my own thing that I’ve been denied that everyone should have. Or at least have a choice in the matter. And also, there’s nothing I can do for him. I don’t want to be rude and negative and depress him even more by reminding him that he’ll never find love, that it’s not meant to be, and all that shit.

Later…

Every day this week, the asshole next door left at 7 AM. There’s been no music, but this is the first time I’ve ever known the freeloader to be consistent about the time he leaves. Usually, he leaves at 7:30 one day, 8:30 the next, and it varies.

Once I’m done with this 12-week bullshit here, I may continue to use the Nicorette gum. They say not to use it past 12 weeks, but how can it hurt me? It’s just nicotine. There’s no tar or carbon monoxide or anything that can hurt me in it. It’s just that I’m still having such cravings! For the most part, although I do feel healthier, I don’t feel any different now, than I did the day I quit. It’s really disappointing to know that it’s still such a big deal to me, although I figured as much. If only Tom could’ve kept his fucking word and promise! If he just would stop with the fucking games! And if God would just let me have the kid! That’d go a long, long way towards making sure I didn’t go back to the smokes, but God’s not gonna allow me no kid here, and Tom will always be Tom. I have to just settle for better health and saved money as reason enough to keep sticking this out. I know that that’s plenty reason enough, but you know how I feel.

I still wish I could know that I’d see the cigarettes, eventually, as I see other things. Take my earliest journals, for example. I know that the girl who wrote those and who lived that life and those experiences was me, yet it seems like a whole different lifetime ago, a whole different person, a whole different life. Even though I still like to write, still have long hair, and still love to sing, living on Oswego St. seems so very far away. So very far behind me, way deep in the past. If only I could see cigarettes that way; as something I used to do a long, long time ago. Something that I remember, but that’s also vague and long gone from my life.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1997 Got a letter from Kim today and I loved the cactus stationery and envelope she used. She’s having a very typical problem right now with Walter. He doesn’t think he wants kids. Is that classic male, or what?

Well, that’ll be a part of my New Year’s resolution. Since quitting smoking certainly can’t be a part of it, it’ll be to lose weight get fit again, and accept that nothing I can do can ever turn my dream of having a child into a reality. It just ain’t meant to be, my husband doesn’t want that, and I have to deal with it, accept it, and move on. I can’t change fate, Tom can’t, a doctor can’t, and God won’t. I have to trust that God had good intentions for denying me a child and that it’s not to torture and punish me. He has to obviously have good reasons to have felt that a child wasn’t worth making me handle. Yes, he could’ve made sure I was able enough to handle it, then gave it to me, but he didn’t. So he’s got to have damn good reasons that’d make perfect sense to me if I knew for sure what they were and had more than just theories about it. No God does this to a woman without a reason, so I have to count on God to know what he’s doing and live with it. That’s all I can do anyway, and something I read got me thinking. I was reading a part in a book where this guy realizes that he turned his back on a gift God gave him and was sorry he didn’t appreciate this gift. Well, is this a gift? Is this, in fact, a gift in disguise? Maybe I’ve been looking at this child-denial thing all wrong. Perhaps it is a gift. A natural built-in birth control system that enables me to live life in the way that no parent could. That allows me to experience and do things that no parent could, or that would be very hard for a parent to do. And perhaps there’s even more to it and it’s much more of a gift than I could ever realize.

Well, gift or curse - it just is. And there’s nothing I can do about it, so I may as well learn to live with it and accept it now, so I don’t have to have another handful of sad years over it. If I just deal with it, my life shouldn’t be so hard. I’ll just concentrate on what I do have, look at the bright side of having no kid, and make a game of it if it’ll help. Something like - see how good I am and lucky at dodging pregnancy every month, without the expense and hassles of birth control. Being denied something as natural as a child should also make me stronger in the end.

Is the dog gone again next door? I don’t remember hearing it bark yesterday or today. A highly unusual case. They wouldn’t take it indoors. Not for this long, anyway, and its prime barking time is early evenings. I didn’t hear it, so I wonder if they’re gonna work around the yard some more. I wish I could say that they’re moving and it’s just over at the new place waiting for them there, but I know better.

My schedule is now on nights, so I can’t be sure, but to my knowledge, the music hasn’t been a big deal.

With my emotional state being so bad, I don’t know if I wrote about our holiday present from my folks. They sent a bunch of treats - cheeses, cakes, cookies, etc.

I still want my cigarettes half the time, but it’s either smoke or crave, and cravings are my trade-off for not smoking. The Nicorette program will be sending me my award certificate.

The rabbit, who never wants to come inside lately, killed one of my cactuses, and I’m sure he’ll kill the others, too.

Of the mice with the markings, no two are alike, so I can tell Shy and Ziggy from their babies. However, Cocoa, who’s solid brown, is gonna blend right in with her babies as soon as they’re her size.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1997 I not only thought I couldn’t love someone as much as I love Tom, but I never thought it was possible to have so much resentment towards the same person you love that much. It’s amazing how some people can be so loving on one side, and then have this deceptive streak on the other side.

He let himself in there yesterday and seems to be making more “effort” to make more time for us to get together (perhaps as a cover), but I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I may as well just take care of myself or forget it, cuz I no longer feel a damn thing when we’re together, except for when we’re just lying there, and I don’t wish we could screw a lot like I always used to. I guess it’s just much easier to accept a life without normal sex than it is to accept a life without a child, but I’ve got to do something - anything - to get over it. Even if God would allow them to fix my plumbing and me to conceive, no doctor can force a guy to get off regularly, and he’d just put a guilt trip on me about it and fight the doctors, so why waste our time? It’s like trying to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be helped. He did say he was sorry that he’s inadequate sexually and he promised to never give me timetables again. This and his offer to go to a doctor helps, but it still won’t change things. Timetables would’ve been fine if he’d stuck to them and followed through on his word. He also promises no more bullshit “cures.” First, it was that we needed to get inside me comfortably, then we just had to do it more often, then sleep in the same room, have me dress in street clothes to make my being nude more special, share the same bed, quit smoking, and on and on and on. I’m sure there are more things that he claimed he was 100% sure would make him cum full-time, etc.

As I said the other day, I’m sure all my theories on why a kid’s not meant to be for me is right, but I just wish I could know that God’s intentions for this weren’t of a punishing, hurtful nature. That wouldn’t change my desires, though. Only time can do that. I hope! Just cuz other desires have changed or been outgrown - you never know. Hopefully, I won’t live a life of always wanting the child I’m 1000% sure I can never have, cuz that’s a depressing and scary thought. Besides trying to focus on the good in never having a kid and the blessings I do have, perhaps there are other coping tactics I’m missing. Perhaps if I make more of a game out of it, or maybe pretend that some things are different at times, maybe then I’ll be able to live with it a lot easier.

I wish I could say that I could live with not smoking a hell of a lot easier, but it’s still hard! I get several powerful urges a day. I know that it’d be easier if I could’ve had a kid to quit for and if things weren’t so shitty with the same two fucking never-ending issues, and a part of me thinks about smoking again, not just cuz I miss that, but to spite Tom and put a guilt trip on him. That wouldn’t work, though. Not the guilt part of it, cuz it’d be the other way around. I’d feel guilty on my own and he’d be sure to help ensure I felt that way, too.

At least I don’t have a million problems. It’s just two things - sex and sterility. Most of the time I have many more problems, although you could count my schedule problem as a problem, too. The reason why I don’t list the freeloaders as a problem, even though they are, is cuz that one’s solvable in the long run. We won’t always be neighbors. However, we’ll always have freaky sex, I’ll always be sterile, and I’ll never be able to maintain a normal schedule of any kind.

And if there’s any good news to report - the freeloaders didn’t wake me up. No ball games or music all day, according to Tom, but I heard him come in at a volume that wasn’t the worst, nor was it the greatest, after I’d been up a while. That’s OK. I’m taking care of those freeloaders, though. They hear me, too. If they don’t, then they’re either deaf or God’s protecting them from my late-night noise. I’m not gonna send them hate mail too soon (where I claim to be a Klan member and write wacky stuff, even though I hate them and not their color), cuz it’s too soon after they just had a party. I know I’ll be high on their list of suspects, but why make it too obvious? That’d spoil the fun.

Tom did some checking on acreage and property out where it’s more secluded, but not too secluded. The good news is that we won’t need the 35,000 or so he thought we’d need to move, but this isn’t gonna happen tomorrow or the next day, either. We may have to go it the long way, so to speak, and settle for a small place till we can build a bigger place, but if that’s what it’ll take to get out of here sooner - fine!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1997 Now, for the other ongoing problem around here - Tom has really gotten carried away with the sex games like never before. This shit has totally escalated that my desire to be close to him has never been lower. He went down on me earlier, which is the number one way to get me off, but I couldn’t cum.

If it weren’t for the millions of other things I love so much about him, I wouldn’t take his lies, games, teasing, and all his shit that makes me so sad, angry and frustrated. He’s really playing me for a fool here, and if there’s anything that’s changed, it’s that I finally said no. For the longest time, I kept asking for it, too, in a sense cuz I’d keep allowing him to play around with me in bed (in the wrong kind of way). Well, he told me to let him have a few hours of sleep and then come join him in bed. I told him no. If we’re not gonna have sex, then I’m not gonna play games, either.

Before I get into what’s been going on, not that it’s anything new, let me just say that I’ve been wondering more and more about a certain theory of mine. I know Tom’s reasons for making sure our sex is such a hardship, and I have my many theories as to why God’s hand in this matter exists, as well as why I’m sterile. Besides God not thinking I could handle a kid, or cuz of compensation, his beef with Jews, etc., I’ve been thinking of that gay theory more and more.

I don’t believe gayness is a sin. I believe we should follow our hearts when and if we can and that as long as we’re not hurting anybody when it comes to sex, it’s OK to have mutual sex with the same sex. Meanwhile, as I’ve said before, God has different standards and different ideas of what each of us should be doing. Obviously, God can’t hate gays that much, cuz if he did, he could’ve made sure gays never existed. I wonder more and more, though, if he felt that for me, it was a big sin. Maybe he feels that cuz I had what he felt was unnatural sex for me, he’s ensuring our sex is abnormal (along with Tom’s own reasons to help ensure this). And maybe he feels that I abused nature and therefore, he’s gonna deny me a child, which is an act of nature for a woman to carry and to have.

I’m sure that all my theories are pretty much right on the money, and I can’t make God allow me a child, but I wish to hell that Tom would quit his shit once and for all. I know a big part of why he’s been controlling the sex and having it be so abnormal (aside from his fears and the sheer fun of it), is cuz of when we got married. He still feels like I literally forced him into marrying me when we did and that cuz of that, he had to buy the house illegally. He’d have preferred us to wait a few months later, but my benefits had stopped right before our wedding and we had both thought at that time that they wouldn’t extend my medical benefits for a few more months as we found out they would after. I told him yet again, though, I did not make him marry me. I did not put a leash around his neck and drag him to Vegas. He could’ve put his foot down, but he didn’t. Then he says gonna put his foot down as far as making no more promises and timetables about me conceiving and as far as things we can do to ensure better sex and all that bullshit. He told me to take December off to just think about it, but that he’s offering to go to a doctor in January. Yeah, well, he doesn’t fool me. I see the deception in this offer. He won’t let them help us any more than God would. He’d fight them all the way.

He really has a lot of nerve and really turns me off the way he denies our situation and turns around and pins the blame on me and accuses me of doing just what he’s doing.

He tried to tell me that it’s really primetime on the 13th, 14th and 15th, which is, in fact, a few days too late. When I was really prime time, he just couldn’t get it in there. He’s played this fucking game 5 times in a row. The last 5 times, no joke, he just wouldn’t get in there! Is this sick or what? He didn’t have any problem getting in there before. Before it was prime time for a real woman and before it was the time he said he’d follow through with his bullshit promise. He promised me he’d cum at least 5 days in a row. I knew it was bullshit. I knew he was just playing games, lying and teasing, and I could see the enjoyment that he’d deny, written all over his face. I’d see the smirks, I’d hear the giggles, and it’s fucking cruel! Just downright abusive, mean, cold and cruel!

Then out of the blue, he turns things on me and tells me I’m really scared to have a kid. Beyond the normal anxieties (as if he isn’t one bit scared himself). He actually said something we agree on, or say we do, anyway. Yes, I’ll admit that my fears do run deeper than others who have never had kids before. It’s mainly cuz of my schedule problem and cuz of the thought of having to get up a million times a day for so long. But at least, if God had allowed it, I’d have conquered my fears and I wouldn’t have let them stop me from getting pregnant. Tom’s too scared and too busy getting off on his sick games and lies to get me pregnant if I could’ve had that. And he won’t admit his true feelings, fears, and where he’s really coming from. He goes right back into denial and says things that really piss me the fuck off like, “I’m offering to go to a doctor, I offered to do it the natural way, too.” But he wouldn’t follow through with his “offer” to do it the natural way and see that I’m right about the sterility! Then he goes on to say that if I felt too scared to have a kid, he’d still want a kid, but I’m more important and he’d accept it if I was too scared to have a kid, cuz I’m his number one. Isn’t that supposed to be me saying that to him? Well, I have told him that and that I’d still love him if he just came out and admitted that he didn’t want to have a child, but the games and teasing pertaining to sex and proving sterility, are obviously that important to him, that he has to lie about it and say he does want a kid when he doesn’t.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1997 And the stress and depression continue! There’s no way I’m gonna remember every little thing I thought and felt about the last few days, but I’ll do my best.

First off, I know that the only way to stop the music problem would be for them to either move, or be shot dead, and since neither of these things is gonna happen (at least not for a while), well, I’m not gonna totally sit back and take this shit anymore, either. I am gonna make myself heard in different ways, too, and I am gonna terrorize them in other ways, and God can do whatever the fuck he wants to me for it. I had started a “hate” letter to them, then ripped it up figuring things would get worse and that I’d only get punished for it since I can’t get away with shit, but things got worse and I got cursed anyway. Therefore, if God’s gonna have things done to me by his own hand or by the hands of others, I may as well deserve it, for crying out loud! Fuck this shit with me being the receiver and never the giver of noise around here. I made trouble in the past and got trouble back for it. Then I tried getting my act together and playing it the nice way, but I still get shit on for it, so what’s the fucking point? Why should I sit and listen to them, while I worry that I don’t practice what I preach? Well, fuck that shit, cuz from now on, we’re gonna hear each other. I’m not gonna hear them; we’re gonna hear each other! Tomorrow evening after he leaves for work at 7:30, they’re gonna have to hear my music for a good hour or more. Then they’ll have to wake up when I say so at 3 AM. I admit that they haven’t woken me up, but they will. And yes, they would’ve if I had slept just a little later today, past 2 PM which is when these freeloaders come alive, but I’ll get into that after.

No more of this 1-sided shit here. I know they exist and they’re gonna have to know I do, too, cuz I’ll be sending the hate mail and much more. Yes, God will punish me further for it and yes, Tom’s bound to find out and maybe the cops will question me, but I don’t care! The bitch told me she was sick of my shit. The first thing I told her was that I thought it was pretty ironic that she’s telling me she’s sick of my shit, yet she’s the one dishing it. She and loverboy that is. Well now black bitch, you’ll have a real reason to be sick of my shit!

Tom’s pissed off that I’m being so hateful and bigoted, but hey, I’m pissed off at him for lying to me and for his games, so I guess we’re even. And no, I have no guilt about breaking my promise to not do anything to them. Not when he’s broken promises to me. I’ll keep the one about not hurting them physically, cuz they know too many people. Usually, the more of a self-absorbed asshole you are, the more people you know, cuz there are more bad people than good. So people like these freeloaders can find more people that have things in common with them than we can. My point is if I did beat the shit out of them, they may be afraid to face me or to blast music, they may even move, and they may be too embarrassed to take it to the law, but I’m sure they’d have their so-called pals come after me or this house. I can’t defend myself against bunches of freeloaders, nor can I ward off bullets or fire. As far as my hate, well, right now it’s awfully hard to keep in mind that there’s good and bad in all kinds. Once one of us moves, then it’ll be easier to see that, but right now, I see just about all of them as nothing but scum. We all want to do for our own selves to a degree. We all have our hobbies, dreams and things we like to do that comforts, interests and pleases us, and that’s fine. It’s those who have to involve others that don’t want to be involved in their self-pleasing ways, interests and lifestyles, that I’ve got a problem with. I’ve never insisted that they listen to my music with me or that they listen to my animals, too, etc. The fact that they like music and that they want a dog is fine, but what’s that got to do with me, huh? Why should I be included in all this, too? Well if I’m gonna be, I’m gonna include them into my lifestyle, too. When I say it’s time to listen to music, that means them too, and when I’m up, they’re up.

Tom and Andy agree, too, that these kinds of stereos with the massive bass kick that’s vented out of trunks (or else it’d blow a car apart) should be outlawed, but they’ll never be. There’s too much money tied into it, not to mention all the lonely and selfish sick fucks out there that have to get attention. Everyone’s got a “hear me” obsession and they want everyone to notice them. This should also prove what an immature society we’re dealing with too, when Tom brought up a good point about status symbols. The people that are most snobby and insecure with themselves have to have a bassy stereo cuz that’s saying how they’re oh so much better. I can see a child trying to prove they’re better than another classmate, or trying to prove themselves to their parents, but when teenagers and adults feel they have to prove themselves to a city of strangers, they’ve got problems. And their self-esteem is even lower than mine’s ever been or ever could be if they feel they have to beg for the approval of just anybody. I don’t give a fuck about proving myself to some stranger across town, and why should some stranger a few streets away give a shit about what I think of them? These freeloaders could really have my approval if they’d stop being so rude and selfish.

After I go take a much-needed break with some music (that’ll be just for me out of headphones, since Tom’s asleep), I’ll write about today’s party. He wasn’t here this time last year, therefore, I didn’t know that today was the kid’s birthday, but I do now, naturally. I don’t know about Christmas, but New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are gonna be a nightmare around here!

Later…

I’m now on step 3 - a piece of gum every 4-8 hours and it is hard! I miss my cigarettes sooooooo much! And it fucking figures that I gotta enter this step when the music becomes a problem again and when they decide to party. The party could’ve been worse, though, if it hadn’t been a kid’s birthday party. I thought it was gonna go well into the night like 10:00 or later, but they wrapped it up just as we got in.

Last night, he let me know something was gonna be going on or changing or coming to the house like he always does. First I heard the music softly, then a so-so volume, then a loud one.

I had gotten up around 2 PM and was pleased that no ball games woke me up. (probably tomorrow, though) Then I was out back a little later to feed the rabbit and cats when I saw a huge elephant next door. If that sounds crazy, let me be more descriptive. It was something you blow up, like a raft, only kids can jump around inside the thing. It’s like a blown-up elephant house. I wondered how the hell they could afford it, but Tom thinks that it’s the kid’s grandfather, whom we’ve seen come visit here and there, that rented it. Yeah, I’d say so. Anyway, I was surprised that the kids weren’t that noisy. You could hear them out back, but they were no problem from indoors, nor did they play ball. That’s cuz they couldn’t. There were so many cars parked in their driveway and in front of our house, in front of the house next to them on the other side, and in front of at least 3 houses across the street. We never saw so many cars there before. It was the door slamming and music that was nerve-wracking. Now I will admit that no, the music hasn’t been really, really loud like that Saturday night when he just sat there with it blaring about a month ago. And of course, Tom’s still oh so sure that there are steps that can be taken that’ll be guaranteed to stop the music in the end. Yeah, he thinks he’s got all the answers when it comes to sex and neighbors. Even if he was right about that, these steps would take forever. So in my mind, I’m compromising with Tom and God. I won’t beat the snot out of them, but I’ll make their lives just as stressful, I’ll be just as annoying, and I’ll be just as heard.

Tom did me a wonderful favor a good hour or so into the party. We needed to do some errands anyway, so we went to the pet store. I got a big bale of the regular pine bedding that we use to do all the cages with and a small bag of that potent cedar bedding. All 3 litters are really getting around now and at times, there are mice everywhere! All hyped up and playful and they’re like a bunch of kids in a playground. They’re so cute! But there’s nowhere near enough wheels to go around for everyone. I have a total of 6 wheels, but there’s one I don’t have room for, so I got a small wheel. One that’s perfect for mice, but one that’d be too small for a hamster or a gerbil. Now each of the Play City cages has a wheel and the aquarium’s got 3. One of them is the giant wheel that Teddy Bear was using when he lived with the big guys. We also looked at cat stuff. They really have a lot of clever toys, litter boxes, and beds for them. So besides bedding and the wheel, we also got food and one of those shred-a-beds. Rodents like to claw and dig, as well as chew, and GPs and rabbits may like to burrow, but mice like to nest and burrow.

Then we went to Ma’s house, even though she was at Mary’s for the weekend. Tom left the checkbook that’s from our joint account in his car (we had been driving Ma’s car). We drank a soda over there after I used the bathroom, and then I wrote out the Chanukah checks to Tammy’s girls in the amount of their ages.

Lastly, we went downtown, hoping to see some pretty holiday lights/decorations, but there wasn’t anything too thrilling to see.

We came home then, and the party had pretty much broken up. The elephant was taken away, too.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1997 I have so much to say regarding the last few miserable days I’ve had, but I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I had things worded perfectly in my head as the events of the last few days unfolded, but now everything is all blurred into one in my mind.

I’ve basically entered the peak of the “giving up” stage, so to speak. Even though there’s nothing to give up - well - you know what I mean. My fists are unclenching more and more as I realize more and more how hopeless it is to try to fight fate. That’s the basic issue for me lately and I’ll break it down into detail, even if it’s the same old sob story I’ve already written about time and time again, after Andy and the freeloaders.

Andy - he came over last night. I liked all but a few of the clothes Laura gave me. This time, there was a wider variety of things. There were halters, shirts, shorts, pants, nightgowns, etc.

I gave him clothes to give to Laura and an extra comforter for him.

Before I get to freeloader news, Teddy Bear’s gone. Tom buried him out back.

Marty had his second open-heart surgery, so now he’s even with my dad. Mom’s in a hotel with Ruth in Miami. That’s where he had his surgery done and I guess that’s the only place there was an available team. I’ll send a card soon.

Freeloaders - the dog’s back to its 2-3-hour barking fit in the early evenings, and now the freeloader is back to its music shit, too. It’ll get louder and louder and more and more often. Nothing I can do can stop it, short of shooting the bastard dead. They can do wrong and get away with it, God don’t give a shit, and my husband, who thinks he knows it all, will waste his time with city/government letters. I told him the letter would either be ignored or useless, but he just doesn’t get it. He’ll make up any excuse and say that this will work and that that’ll work just to keep me from going over there and beating that black ass red. Fine! I’ll just let them force their music on me, I’ll sit back and take it, and not do a damn thing about it. Why should I bother after all? God would just replace me with a new source of noise, and of course, tomorrow or the next day or both, I’ll have to get up when the basketball game starts.

I’m still rather distraught here, so I’ll continue later.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1997 I should’ve known better than to even think for a second that there could be a reason for my quitting smoking. As logical as it seems that there should be and that that’d only be fair, life isn’t fair. Maybe it’s so I won’t be wheezing my ass off as much when I get woken up at least every other weekend by the weekend basketball game. There’s no way this fan and this noise machine, even together, are gonna beat out that ball bouncing just a few feet away. Someone might as well go hammering on the outside of the bedroom wall.

Last night was the third time in a row that he just “couldn’t” get in there. I’ve been cumming less and less myself these last few months. That’s cuz I’m just so sick of the lying and the teasing. And as always, God is of no help. He doesn’t care. No, he couldn’t care less. Tom’s latest line, excuse, whatever, for his sudden inability to know how to fuck, is that couples that have been together for a while, tend to become used to certain routines, that people assume too much, and therefore fall out of sync. This is utter and total bullshit. That’s like saying that the more you practice sign language, the more trouble you’ll have with it. How stupid and naïve does he think I am? He also claims that I couldn’t know this, but when you’ve been with a guy for a long time, it’s normal to have trouble getting in there at times. Yeah, right! With the exception of when it was too painful for me, Ron never had a problem, and I was with him on and off for 6-7 months. Bruce didn’t have a problem, and Al and Mark wouldn’t have had a problem if it weren’t so painful for me then. Al had premature ejaculation.

Jesus Christ! Can next door slam their car doors any harder? At least I didn’t hear any music, but it must be a tough job to rig a dog up to a car. If it’s not attached to the car, then it can definitely reach it. He’s gotta be parking deep in there for the dog to protect that stereo for sure. This all began after I screamed at them last July. Maybe the city did contact him after all, cuz if the music’s gonna stop, the door slamming’s gonna escalate.

Anyway, as I was saying, I just don’t know how many more years of excuses, lies, and games I can take here and it’s really weird, cuz out of bed, I always feel loved and completely unabused, but in bed, half the time I feel like a sex toy who’s head and whole being, actually, is being abused.

First he couldn’t get in from our side position, then he couldn’t get in up top. Then I said - to hell with it - and got up. Then he claims he wanted to screw, he wants a child, he would’ve gotten it in there, and he would’ve cum. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding?! Now he tells me that if I’ll let him, and if I’ll be patient and not give up, he’ll get in there for the next few nights, and cum, too. Yeah, and I’ll be a millionaire for the next few nights, too.

It all comes down to the same thing - I’m sterile, God doesn’t give a shit, Tom doesn’t want a kid, and we’ll never have one. Even if his sex drive suddenly soared out of control and he got over his fears and came like hell, do you really think God would allow me a child? Hell no!

It’s too bad Paula never sent me the pictures she said she’d send, but what did I expect? I don’t think she has a camera, but she said something about buying one. At least she calls periodically. Shelly never even did that and despite the shit she was going through, I felt like our friendship was totally 1-sided. That’s typical of what God would have for me, too. The only difference is that I stopped going along with it one day. I love Shelly dearly and I’ll always appreciate her looking out for me back then, but it wouldn’t be fair, as unfair as life is, for me to be the one to do all the calling and writing.

Speaking of calls, Andy said he’s keeping really busy with work so he doesn’t think of pot. Therefore, he doesn’t have time to call NA groups to set something up with them or with a therapist. Then how is it that he has the time to call me every day? I told him for the hundredth time, that unless something’s wrong, I’d prefer not to talk every day, but it’s gone in one ear and out the other as always.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1997 Well, God got me back for all the people I woke up during my years of prank calls. Now he’s getting me on the annoyance part of it. I’m really sick of these “unavailables” that call several times a day. I still think most of them are from someone we know, but even so, I’m tired of being interrupted when I’m trying to write, do dishes, or whatever. I can’t just write off every call, too, and assume it’s the “unavailables,” either. What if it were his mother in need of help? So, if I’m in the back, I have to stop what I’m doing and run up front to see the caller ID box.

I told Tom that we might want to think about getting an unlisted number.

Another phone annoyance, that’s nothing new, is Andy. I feel kind of trapped here since on one hand, this is my best friend who I care about. Therefore, I want to know what’s going on with him. On the other hand, these daily calls can really get to be a pain in the ass, but he never gives up.

Andy and I will probably get together this Thursday unless something comes up with him. If something does come up with him, he’ll probably just dump the clothes Laura has for me off out back and I’ll leave the clothes and comforter I’ve got for them out back, too.

I still have several cigarette cravings a day, and history is repeating itself again with the weight. With the exception of when I starve myself, cuz anyone that stops eating will lose weight. And if they don’t, they’ve got something wrong with them. However, it seems a common thing for me that if I try to lose the weight without starving, I just can’t. But then when I say - screw it - and not do a damn thing about it, it just comes off. I only went from 118 to 114, and I’m sure that by now I’m already back to 116 since I just ate and since I have a slow-motion metabolism, but we’ll see. Maybe it’ll keep going down and get somewhat close to 100, although I seriously doubt that.

I have a slight, and I mean very slight, change-vibe concerning next door that came on just the other day. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it to mean much of anything, though, cuz it’s so weak of a vibe, but we’ll see.

Gizzy’s two babies, Tanner and Spot, are really growing up and are getting around a lot better now. The others are just beginning to get around, too, but are still nursing. One of Shy’s babies is quite original-looking. It’s got a black circle around one eye, like an eye patch, so I’ve been calling this one Patch.

I just heard that scraping noise from next door and I think I know what it is. When I’m outside, I can hear the dog’s chain sliding around as it moves and I think this “plastic” sound, is a big bowl that it slides around when it’s hungry. I still wish these people would decide they hate dogs and would get rid of it. I can’t believe God allowed me a whole year and a half with no dog over there in the first place, but that’s just cuz he knew there’d be loud music instead. That compensated for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly lived where there was never a sound, then was made to just wake up too soon on my own by him constantly.

About an hour ago was another botched attempt at sex. It was a fun, pleasant surprise when he initiated it. I didn’t expect it till tonight (we’re gonna screw then, too), but between last night and today, it’s just too obvious that something up there doesn’t want things to work out, and I wonder about him, too. Last night was too hot and yes, it got warm in here, and yes, he was sweating, but he’s sweated before and still got off. Today, it just wouldn’t go in there. Why do God and Tom keep putting me through the same old shit? And why do I let them? Why can’t Tom see that I’m sterile, admit that he’s not gung-ho for a kid, and let all else alone? And why can’t God, who knows he’ll never allow me a child, just leave us alone in bed? God’s always got to interfere, and Tom’s always got to get cold feet. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding when he says he’s gonna cum more than once over the next few days? And then further his bullshit by saying I’ll conceive this month! I’m glad he’s putting more effort into making more time for us to get together, but why must he include so much bullshit into the deal? Can’t we just have normal, full-time fun without the lies?

I guess all I can do is what I always try to do - look at the bright side of never having a child. Besides the question of how I could ever deal with it, how could Andy deal with it? If he cries neglected and cut off from his best friend now, then how could he have handled it if there had been a kid, cuz then I’d have been even less available to play phone with him? And it’s not pleasant to think of how my family would’ve reacted to it. Not Larry or Tom’s family, but Tammy and my parents. I wouldn’t have needed to hear all the shit they’d have had to say that would’ve just led to even more paranoia and self-doubt. They’d have spoiled the exciting part of it. Both Tammy and my mother, but more so my mother, are very self-absorbed people and if you aren’t doing, offering or telling them something they can relate to or that they like, you can take a hike. Tom had something to offer them, too, and that was someone to take care of my needs so they wouldn’t have to. However, what would’ve been in it for them if we had had a kid? Nothing.

Later…

Unless the freeloader came in while I was under headphones, the freeloader came in quietly. He’s not in to stay for the night yet, though, cuz his car’s parked where I can see it, just outside the carport.

I’ll have to remember to take Tom’s advice. I really want to please him and I wish I could, but I just suck in bed! Anyway, he told me to use more variety in how I rub his dick and to concentrate more on the tip of it. The shaft of the dick doesn’t have as much feeling.

Here we go sliding the bowl around again. Although, it still seems a bit loud for a bowl. I wish I could say it was moving sounds and that at least he was moving, but fat chance. The dog’s in the carport now, too, but the car’s still out front. I think they may have the start of the dog’s leash in their yard, but that it extends into the carport and they put the dog’s bowls in the carport, too, to encourage it to hang out there more often for my sake.

I think there’s another reason they’re gonna try to hang onto that house, besides the fact that it’s subsidized. I just realized that my vibe of them moving at this time went away after my encounter with the bitch. And it did so, I believe, cuz they’re also gonna want to hang around here to piss me off. Even if they knew that some other people’s dog would piss me off if they moved, they’d still rather be here so it could be their dog to piss me off.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1997 Boy, that freeloader really parked in an odd place this time around. When we came in from shopping, its car was parked in the street. I thought maybe to make room for some work trucks to pull in, but I didn’t hear anyone pull in, so who knows what that weird fuck’s up to?

Later…

Where could they be? Their living room windows next door are pitch dark, I haven’t heard the dog, and I haven’t heard any signs of a car being over there. Well, if I hear them come in, they’ll hear from me. Yes, if it’s an unacceptable volume, I shall solve my own problems, confront the source head-on, and be done with these assholes for good. As I said before, I don’t know if the city contacted them or why the music’s been quieter, but it’s not gonna be for long. I know them. And as far as my promising Tom not to go after them - why should I have to keep my promises when Tom doesn’t keep his? We’re gonna screw tonight, as part of our agreement, but will he cum? No. Of course he won’t. It’s too soon after his last squirt. He’ll keep the part of the promise that requires us to get together fairly regularly, but not the part about the regular cumming to prove my case of sterility. He isn’t ready to deal with that, and it’ll be the same bullshit I’ve gone through before with him. Anything to get out of his having to face the fact that I am sterile.

Well, maybe the freeloaders came in without slamming doors and went to bed early, cuz I just heard the dog in the carport. It fucking sounds like it’s right on our back patio, or inside the house at the other end of it.

Tom and I went shopping earlier. I got 3 puzzles and 3 journals, and we picked up some Christmas cards and some wrapping paper, too.

The envelope addresser is nice and shitty at the same time. Its graphics are kind of boring and you can’t control their sizes. The program was written in a shitty, weird and complex kind of way, but Tom said he’ll create an easier setup for it. I do like its different fonts, though.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1997 This morning’s sex went as I knew it’d go. He didn’t cum. And a certain somebody up in the sky that doesn’t agree with what we’re doing, has seen to it that I’m having irritation down there. Well, no amount of discomfort is gonna stop me from doing my part of the deal here. It’s up to God and Tom to make or break my dream.

He reminded me that a woman could have a guy cum in her a day or two prior to ovulation and still conceive. Then all the more my gut instincts and woman’s intuition are right about my being sterile. Even so, it still doesn’t seem logical or fair that my being meant to quit smoking all of a sudden means nothing at all. There’s got to be some reason for this and I still kind of have a “change” vibe. I know next door will be here till at least next fall, and although I still can’t see a child ever happening, this bed and this not smoking have to have some purpose. Things happen for a reason. Maybe the “change” is Tom believing there really is something wrong with me, but that can only be if he cums regularly and even if he did that, he may still be hesitant to question my sterility. How much he’s willing to deal with the consequences of my sterility, will depend on how much he’ll let himself realize that that’s the case. There doesn’t have to be any so-called consequences or anything to deal with, though, if we choose not to go to a doctor. And besides, I already know that running to a doctor wouldn’t help us.

It’s still cloudy and wet out there, although it’s not raining right now. I wish it’d rain all day to help keep the ballplayers away, but I’m sure that with just my luck, it’ll become a bright, sunny and dry day by late morning.

Tom also stopped at Eldon’s yesterday to do some computer work for him, and in exchange, Eldon gave us a printer that just addresses envelopes. It does more than that, though, and way more than the envelope printer in the word processor does. All the one we’ve always used does is print in one font and one size. This one does a handful of fonts and sizes and it also does graphics. It lets you put little pictures to decorate the envelopes with, but we haven’t been able to try this out, cuz we need a new ink cartridge for it. This isn’t a dot matrix like our regular printer that strikes dots on the paper. This is an inkjet and the ink boils and sprays onto the paper. We’ll also be getting an inkjet printer one of these days.

Later…

Tom just left to take his mother to church and to pick up some things we need.

I just heard those weird sounds coming from next door’s backyard again. Like furniture sliding around. Something that’s perhaps plastic and lightweight.

For a couple of minutes yesterday and a couple the day before, I wondered if next door got another dog. Tom said he didn’t hear anything that suggests that, but that’s something next door would surely do. Especially if the city did contact them in regard to the music. I guess we were either wrong in assuming he’s not supposed to be there, or they just aren’t pushing to nudge him out. If the city did mention his presence to her, all the bitch has to say is that he just visits her. So, unless they go search her house to find his stuff, it wouldn’t hold up to much.

We’ve gone from window birdies to window kitties. White Feet jumps from the back of the old recliner to the AC, then stands up and peers in the window in the back room.

The damn birds still come around, but at least things aren’t nearly as messy as they were when I’d feed them lots of seeds every day. They try to steal the cat food, though, and Measles, my favorite bird who’s the bravest, still comes around daily.

Later…

Fortunately, there were no ball games today. Instead, it was the dog and car doors I got to listen to.

Their beast will bark more on weekends cuz they’re home then and it cries out for attention it can’t get.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1997 Well, I’ll be darned! Tom’s keeping every bit of his promise. So far, that is, but nonetheless, we had a great time in bed today and he got off just fine. Then we lay together a while longer and talked about trivial stuff.

Right now he’s talking to Eldon, then he’s gonna go to the racetrack. He hasn’t been there in a while.

I changed both the mice’s and the big guy’s cages and I’m doing laundry, too.

Soon, I’ll do the dishes and cook Tom some Hamburger Helper. Guess what I got to enjoy both today and yesterday? A home-cooked lobster! Tom got two little lobsters for $3 each at the grocery store. They’re already cooked, so all you do is thaw them and reheat them by boiling them.

Michelle and her mom found the screws and brackets to put the bed together. Do these people ever take the time to look for things before asking where they are? This is the second thing they had to ask where it was, cuz they wouldn’t take the time to look.

Also, Laura, who Andy says has more clothes than God, has more clothes to give to me.

The freeloader’s dog hasn’t been much of a problem, but it will be once it gets hot again. The music’s been OK that we both know of, too, but give it time. I heard him bopping around the carport early last evening (probably to rig the dog up to the car for the night). I’ve got another theory as to why he rigs the dog to the car and that’s to protect his stereo from a certain person who doesn’t appreciate it. After all, he does pay more attention to that stereo, than the dog.

I talked to my mother yesterday who said that every two years, they’ll come visit. So, in May of 99, they’ll be back. If we had had a kid, I wonder if that two-year thing would go out of effect?

Tom got the door up yesterday, but it’s only partially done. This is a big job, so all we could do was get the door up, put that air pump thing up so it’ll pull it shut, and that’s it for now. We still have to install the bar that it’ll latch into and re-key it, but for now, this is so very much nicer than that other torn-up piece of shit we had.

Also, I guess Tom’s luck is still holding out. He thought he was getting hit with a cold, but so far I guess he’s gonna be OK. Hopefully, his not having to deal with secondhand smoke will help him, cuz that can lower one’s immune system and make one more susceptible to colds.

Later…

At this time of year, whatever the weather is in L.A., will be what it’ll be here in 24 hours. It’s gonna rain anytime now and I wish it would hurry up and do so, so that the little girl who lives where the guard dogs are, won’t come back to play ball for the third time. Although, that might not stop her.

And ironically, the ball games start up after the letter goes out. And it’s just my luck that with all the houses on this street that have basketball hoops, which are very few, one of them has to be right next door. I wish the earth would open up and swallow the fucking thing up!

Given the fact that this is the 3rd time she’s played for just a few minutes, I’d say that Miss Bitch may have had a talk with the girl’s mother, who had a talk with the little girl. People are sick enough too, to pit a kid against an adult they don’t like.

The thing about it that sucks is that I know that I’m not gonna get one weekend till June without having to listen to ball games. Since the kids that live there don’t play ball, God just had to make sure he got other kids that would. And eventually, this is gonna roll into after-school hours and it won’t be just this little girl. Or for just a few minutes.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1997 Oh, those incompetent assholes at AOL! They never fail to fuck up. I can’t get the message that’s there from my folks.

I got a card from Tom’s mom with a check for my age, a singing birthday message from Andy, and calls from Tammy, Larry, and my folks.

I only talked with Tammy and Paula. My folks called at 11 PM our time and 1 AM their time and they got to talk to Tom before he left for work. Meanwhile, I was already asleep.

Instead of going to Red Lobster yesterday, we might go on Monday, cuz that’d fit in better with our schedules. He got me Chinese food instead and today we’ll be putting up that security door, which will be a big job. Andy didn’t give us a key to the door, so Tom’s gonna try to re-key it.

Andy said he was too broke at this time to get me a b-day present and I told him not to worry, I understand, and have been there before. He’s been clean for two weeks, but he and his ditzy friends! Now Michelle and her mother can’t find the brackets and screws to put the damn bed together! As with the other screws they couldn’t find, I told them they were there and that we did give it to them.

Very fittingly, and as I totally expected, Tom’s getting his punishment for saying he’s gonna fight God and win, even if I knew it was bullshit and that he doesn’t want to win. He just got hit with one of the colds going around at work, so when I’m mid-cycle, he’ll be too sick to screw, and that’ll be the excuse I knew I’d be in for, for why we need to give it yet more time. Look, I know I’m sterile, and that’s all there is to it. There’s nothing I can do about it, no matter how much or how little he cums and as always, God keeps working against us to ensure we not only never have a child, but that we can never have full-time, normal sex. And if he didn’t have a cold, which would still be the ideal time for God to start him on a cold, there’d be something else to keep things as they always have been. Some dark, evil force up there is really working against us, and as always, it wins. So, he can keep on swearing I’ll conceive for sure this month, but that he doesn’t know that I won’t miscarry it, all he wants.

Well, like I said, my New Year’s resolution is to make one last attempt to lose weight and to just accept the fact that I’ll have to live off the rest of my life wanting a child I can never have. I’ll work on trying to live with that and concentrate more on what I do have, rather than what I can’t have. I should be more appreciative of this freedom I’ve got, anyway, as most people would kill for at least some of it. Besides, I couldn’t handle motherhood, I’d be a shitty mother, and would just wish for these days right back again, so what’s the point?

Later…

Not only did I have to wait to get into my mailbox, but when I could, the fucking assholes deleted the message from my folks! I could kill these assholes!

Anyway, I left my parents a message about that and thanked them for the package.

There’s this cartoon character called Dilbert and they sent Tom some post-it notes with his character involved and some mini flags with Dilbert, too, and a million other mini flags of all different things. They even sent another mini pole, so I put it in the doorway between the kitchen and the entrance hall to the garage and put up a summertime scene, even though it’s winter.

Tom also got two mouse pads, an AZ Cardinals license plate to put on the front of his car, and a novel that has to do with computers.

They sent a lot of brochures on Disney and other related stuff. They sent shampoo from there, a few pictures, and two really nice mugs of Minnie and Mickey Mouse for the both of us.

They sent one of those belly pouches you strap around your waist. They’re good for carrying little things around places like casinos, so you can have your hands free. A How to Cook Like a Jewish Mother cookbook, pens, and a calendar I certainly don’t care for. That’s cuz all its pictures are taken in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, and Maine. A sweatshirt with the New Kids on the Block on it. I’ve heard of them, but I don’t know any of their songs. Green nail polish that I’m sure my dad picked out, $25, and the last two things are really cute - a motion sensor frog that “ribbits” when you walk by it, and a singing gorilla that starts singing when you clap real loud in front of it.

Later…

I just got to talk to Larry. He says he still has a cold, Sandy’s got bronchitis, Jen’s fine, and business is going well. He also asked how I could tell if a blond was at a computer. Then told me the answer was: cuz there’d be whiteout all over the screen.

I shouldn’t have told Tammy that I was expecting calls from different people, including Larry, cuz then she said, “Leave it to him to call you on your birthday, but not mine.” I won’t tell her we got to talk, so as to not hurt her feelings any more than they are.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1997 Another year has passed and now I’m 32. Anyway, Tom got me some nice things that he gave to me yesterday. He gave me pretty floral stationery to use for letters and drafts and several different colored markers for writing. He also got 5 lotto tickets called Cactus Cash. I won $2 and he’s gonna get two more tickets with that.

Either today or tomorrow, my sweetheart is gonna take me out to dinner. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of fun, too.

He told me that if I wasn’t pregnant in December, then he’d start to believe me as far as the sterility goes. This really helped to hear, even if his knowing what I know can’t change anything. Still, I was pleased to hear it, even though I wonder - will I just hear it? He promised no excuses, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if both he and God together made sure there was less time than usual for fun so that he’ll end up saying that there weren’t enough opportunities for us to give it a chance, and then we’re right back to where we’ve always been.

I hope he remembers and realizes that if he wants to prove to himself that there’s something wrong with me, he’s gonna have to cum a lot. That means practically changing his whole being, cuz frequent cumming just isn’t him.

Anyway, due to next door’s schedule being so erratic, I was either listening to music or in bed when he came in, so I couldn’t tell if it was no volume or a so-so volume (a loud one would’ve woken me up). I heard nothing from next door all morning and afternoon and what I heard the day before that, might not have been him after all. Yesterday I heard music at the same volume and went out to dispose of it permanently, but it was some other car passing by. It was a couple of hours off on the timing as to when I heard the music the day before, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Tom still begs me not to do anything to next door and says that no one should go after someone unless in self-defense. He also says that even if my method’s effective, it’s wrong and that he’s still certain they can be dealt with legally if this letter doesn’t work by going a step higher than the office we sent the letter to.

First of all, I don’t trust anything anyone “tells” me, I have my doubts about any city/government officials helping with shit, and I don’t believe in turning to others to help me with my problems with others and having them fight my battles for me, and sometimes you do have to do wrong to get proper results, and lastly, a person doesn’t always have to resort to violence to get justice. So, I told Tom I’ll use my best judgment and be as fair as I can be. If I do anything, I’ll make sure I do it when he’s not here, but I’ve had it with these people, and if he ever plays it as loud as he did that Saturday night when he sat in the car blaring it, I’ll fucking kill him, whether he’s here or not.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1997 What a thoroughly depressing night I’ve had. Thank God Tom’s not here, cuz hearing his lies right now and him denying there’s even a problem, wouldn’t change things or help me.

Let me just say first, that it’ll be any day now that I’ll be taking care of next door for good. We heard him leave after he came in for lunch in a so-so but pushing it kind of volume. At least there’s something I can do about the music. There’s nothing I can do about this sadness, anger, and frustration over the child I can never have. I know that now and there’s no denying it. It’ll never get any better and just when it seems to get a tiny bit better, it’s such a big issue with me again. I’ll always live with the feeling/knowledge of this missing link. There’ll always be a void and an empty slot in my life that I know I’ll never be able to fill and make whole. There’s no accepting God’s sentencing me to a life of childlessness. I may not shed tears every day about this and some days it may be on my mind less, but it’ll always be there. There’s no getting over this and even deciding I’d rather not have it, like with the singing and the woman. Tom replaced the desire to be with a woman, the singing died off on its own, but how can I replace my desire to have a child? How can it ever die off? It can’t.

I can’t fix, control, or manipulate this never being allowed a child by running to a doctor, and I can’t fix, control, or manipulate my emotions about it, either. I have no choice but to surrender to it and to just accept the fact that it’ll always play on my emotions. I tried to escape it and there just is no escape.

Who was I kidding to even think that I could be brave enough to go to a doctor and risk our lives? So, there’s been a change in my New Year’s resolution. His is to lose weight and be more organized. Mine’s to accept my sterility and not go to a doctor, but I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do about the weight. Of course, he was elated to hear I decided not to go to a doctor, then went right into the usual denial of how he never thought we needed that. Yeah, in 5 years from now he’ll still think we don’t need that. And he’ll still be coming up with new things that’ll cure him and make him cum regularly.

I’m right where I was when I entered my 30s two years ago and in two more years - there’ll be more material things, things might be changed around the house, I don’t know how many animals we’ll have and what they’ll be, I don’t know what my weight will be, but I’ll still be just as childless as always. And Tom will still be cumming once every few months if he hasn’t stopped again altogether. And he’ll continue to lie to me and in October of 99, he’ll tell me I’ll be pregnant in December then, too. And how everything’s fine and how all will work out.

Well, I can’t change my sterility. Nor can I change how I feel about it, but I must keep my feelings to myself as much as possible. Talking about them doesn’t change things and he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it. Not even a sensitive guy like him could know and understand what I’m going through. It’s my problem and mine alone. A woman must go something like this alone. Only another sterile woman, who’s also been cheated out of her right to have a child, could empathize with me and understand how I feel.

I may never be OK with my sterility like Mary is with hers, cuz everyone’s different, but if I don’t learn to deal with my emotions in a way that doesn’t involve others, I really am gonna have a very hard life.

I’m still not sure, like I said, about my weight. I could just accept that, too, and let my body weigh whatever it’s gonna weigh, or I could try to fight it, but that’s another one of those things that I don’t have control of or any say about at the moment. God doesn’t want to budge on that issue, but I’m not surprised either. He let me have the strength to not smoke and he let us have this bed, so he’s gonna seize control of me otherwise. I’m sure he’s very upset up there about the city letter, too, even if it’s as useless as I said it’d be. The freeloader will be at it again in no time.

Also, losing weight the only way that’s ever worked for me, doesn’t work anymore. The hunger pains are too severe when I don’t eat and if I allow myself just a few bites, those few bites lead to a few more, and a few more, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1997 Got a birthday card from David, Evie and their kids. What was cool about it was the little piece of paper enclosed with drawings from “Neeca.” I guess that’s how she pronounces her name. Anyway, it was cool to get that from a niece on Tom’s side of the family.

It still saddens me to know that I could never receive something so precious from my own child, but again, I don’t deserve it and I couldn’t handle it.

It also still kind of bothers me, although I’m used to it, that my husband could boldly lie to me about getting pregnant time and time again. I understand that men can’t quite grasp women’s issues and how much something like this means to a woman, but still, lying is lying and I don’t like it. It’s not fair and no one should fool with someone else’s emotions like that. No matter how much we know that we cannot take someone’s word for shit, without seeing what they say come true, it’s still a cruel thing to do to someone who’s so sensitive about certain issues. I don’t know if this wanting a child thing will “go away” or go dormant, so to speak, but I do hope for that. Where there’s absolutely no hope whatsoever to have a child, I do hold out the hope that I’ll be able to live with my sterility and accept myself as a whole, much easier than I have. Sometimes I can accept it and I love myself as a whole, but I still have my times when it’s hard to deal with the sterility and now the fact that I’m 15 pounds overweight. I miss my thin days.

I gathered up a bag of clothes that I’m either too big for or am sick of to give to Laura.

Andy’s gone two weeks without smoking pot, so I’m proud of him. He says he feels much better and much more confident. He sounds it, too, and he’s not as flaky and his memory’s already so much better. However, just like I always had a problem in every place I’ve ever lived, he has a problem everywhere he works. Always. There’s always someone he doesn’t get along with. Apparently, some other server was using his server number when entering tips into the computer. I can’t explain how it works, cuz I’m not familiar with it, but in other words, they were ripping him off of about $25 a day. That saying “what goes around comes around” is entirely true. That’s not just a saying that someone made up to deter people from fucking up. It really is the case, and so maybe this is God’s punishment for his stealing that amount from the Denny’s we worked in together in Chicopee 8 years ago. As for me - I paid my dues for my share of stealing from them in many ways, a long time ago. You know how I struggled financially for years and nearly starved to death upon coming out here.

Andy’s struggled and has been denied love, though. Hasn’t he paid his dues, too?

We found out some mice news that’ll really help out a lot and this way, we won’t be so pressed for time. Well, I may know everything there is to know about guinea pigs, and I know a lot about mice, but not everything. So we took the oldest of the 3 litters into the pet store (Tanner and Spot). Besides, I needed to get a bottle holder. They said they won’t take them till they’re 8 weeks old cuz then they’ll be easier to sell (I thought it’d be the other way around and that people would want them real young), but that they will take any we don’t want. They don’t do trade-ins, so I can’t get female mice in exchange for the male mice, but at least they’ll take them. Meanwhile, the shocking thing we found out was that mice don’t become sexually active for 6 months! I thought it’d be weeks since guinea pigs start at 6 weeks. They go from nursing to screwing and I thought that it’d be that way with mice, too. So, around February 1st, we’ll take all 3 litters in; as they’ll all be 8-10 weeks, and let them take the males.

The asshole next door’s still behaving. Tom thinks it’s cuz the city did say something to them. I don’t know if it’s cuz of that, cuz of the dog, or some other reason, and this is really nice and all that, but how long’s it gonna last?

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1997 Ma just sent a message saying that instead of getting a box for Tom, I’ll get a large box addressed to me on my birthday. Inside will be a box for him which she says is a fun box, so open it together. Then there’s a box inside it that says fragile, and this is for both of us. Also, she’ll call me on my birthday and if they don’t get me, they’ll keep trying.

Still paying for the bed and was woken up for the second day in a row. Yesterday I just woke up for no reason and after a while, I fell back asleep. Today, it was for the basketball game next door, so it’s back to the fan to add to the noise machine. The noise machine doesn’t have the lower motor-like sounds that the fan does to block out such sounds as a bouncing ball that’s just outside the window.

Thank God I got back to sleep and thank God he let me quit smoking. This is gonna be a common occurrence, and if I had to wake up 3-4 times a week like I will from now on when I smoked, I’d be so sick. Now, it’s not as hard on my body. Some things aren’t as easy or aren’t as worth God keeping people like me from, so therefore, he lets us have them but makes us pay for them. I told you there’d be a price to pay for this added piece of normalcy. I knew that if he didn’t wake me up, God would use some other source to get me up, but hey, if I have to get up 3-4 times a week in order to share a bed with my own husband - fine.

Of course, it’s also God’s way of showing me and reminding me that it’s not easy getting up every day, so imagine getting up several times a day, you can’t handle it and aren’t worthy of motherhood. And yes, destiny came as I said it would and to add insult to injury, I woke up to a full flow as well as a ball game.

Once again, it really scares the shit out of me to know that some of us can be forcefully under the control and influence of something so hateful, so mean, and so evil. Something that has no empathy whatsoever and no concern for human emotions at all. This brings me to what my New Year’s resolution is all about. Maybe Tom really did get this bed and is gonna change our insurance with the hopes that it’ll help us towards a child, but I know I’ll never have a child. Nonetheless, instead of having my New Year’s resolution be about losing weight (which God would really never let me do since getting the bed), I’m gonna work on my courage. Or lack of it, rather. As I’ve said, the two basic reasons I’m afraid to see a doctor is cuz A: it won’t get me what I want. B: if I did get what I wanted, there’d be holy hell to pay for it. Still, if there’s the slightest chance that Tom’s sincerer about having a kid than I’ve always believed, it’s the least I can do. If he went through the trouble of getting the bed and is about to go through the hassles of changing our insurance, I’ll try to work around my superstitious fears and not let them hold me back. If I can’t do it for me, I’ll do it for him. My never seeing a doctor isn’t just denying myself the slightest shot at a child, it’s denying Tom that, too.

I don’t know how honest Tom would be with a doctor, though, cuz regardless of what he says, I believe he’s just as scared. Only his is in a different way. I’m afraid that he’ll fight the doctors and either not level with them as far as how our sex lives have been, or he won’t accept their help as far as doing anything to improve that.

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I know that December will hold the usual part-time sex for us and that maybe he’ll cum once in December. I also know I won’t be pregnant. And lastly, I know that God, and maybe Tom too, will try to stall, make excuses, or block any help from a doctor, but I shall do my best to work around all this and work up my courage.

The shitty thing about this ball playing is that it was probably those kids who live in this neighborhood somewhere, which would be worse than if it was visitors of theirs. Cuz if it’s neighborhood kids, they won’t go away. They’ll be playing after school and on weekends till June for all I know, and the freeloader will gladly let them. His car probably wasn’t there when these kids passed by and they just helped themselves to the hoop and started playing. Kids are like that and they will walk up to someone’s hoop and use it until and if someone shoos them away.

Later…

Tom said that 3 seconds after I went back to bed, they quit playing ball. Yeah, I thought that this fan, which is quieter than the one that broke, was doing too good of a job. Great, so now I can’t sleep when the rude neighborhood kids decide to play a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, of basketball when they pass by. I don’t know if they only played for a few minutes cuz perhaps my lock is still wedged in the net, or what?

And the mice count keeps getting higher! Apparently, Cocoa didn’t get that big and has already had her babies. There are definitely two different litters, not counting Ziggy’s two, cuz I got a really good look at them earlier. Between Shy and Cocoa, one had 6 and the other had 5. That’s 16 mice we’ve got!

I moved all the mice back downstairs into the aquarium and later on, Tom and I are gonna get a bottle holder so they can have a more stable water supply down there. This way, with them down there, they can have access to 3 wheels. I also have 3 straight tubes lying at a 45-degree angle so that Ziggy’s two babies can learn to climb. Tanner, as I call Ziggy’s albino baby, really loves to climb up and down this thing, but Spot hasn’t bothered yet. Shy really seems to like this new setup. I’ve never seen her so full of spunk before.

[omgthisisnotmyrealaccount]

i’ve not seen much hate for the pjo casting which is a nice surprise but i am seeing some like nice little personal growth moments of bitches being like ‘oh i was kinda surprised and maybe a little bit disappointed because annabeth looked like me and i was teased for being blonde but now i realise that black girls are gonna feel the same way i did blah blah’

like i didn’t realise that all these girlies were out here facing the ultimate oppression for being blonde, no one told me of their plight

[moonlit-sunflower-books]

harmful eating disorder representation

[@/moonlit_sunflower_books on ig]

TW: eating disorders, starvation, throwing up, death

so often, in literature and media, eating disorders are portrayed as easy weight loss hacks, attention-gaining scams, or as purely physical disorders rather than psychological ones. unless you've had an eating disorder or know someone who has, you probably shouldn't be writing about them. i wanted to address this in a post because it's something really important to me, and i hope it helps!

also THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE GUIDE AND PLEASE DO NOT TREAT IT AS ONE!!

disclaimer: i'm not a health professional or writing professional, and everything here is based on research and personal experience. please don't hesitate to point out if something is wrong or if there’s something else you would add!

eating disorders are psychological

many eating disorders revolve around a fear of weight loss or weight gain, and start as mere doubts that then become thought patters that are very difficult to break out of. often, eating disorders are portrayed as something purely physical in terms of very slow or fast metabolisms, weight fluctuation, or a small appetite. but a lot of the time, they're about how one perceives food and perceives the self, anxiety surrounding food, and constant fear and stress. this also contributes to weight fluctuation, but one doesn't exist without the other, and the mental strain of an eating disorder is often completely brushed over!

what is it like?

the psychological aspect of eating disorders can often be in the form of obsessing over food, hoarding food, and associating it with guilt and restriction. there’s also a perceived sense of control over one’s body that can be very obsessive, in terms of restricting food groups and over-exercising.

physically there can be many changes to the body. there’s not always weight loss, however, because that isn’t how eating disorders work. one thing among afab people is that over exercising and minimal eating can cause someone to lose their period, which is never mentioned. there can also be brittle hair, infertility, weight fluctuation, and more long-term effects i’ll talk about later.

people with eating disorders aren't always skinny

anorexia is not the only eating disorder that exists, and you don't have to be thin to have an eating disorder. you also don't have to be overweight to have body dysmorphia.

people with eating disorders can be fat, thin, muscular, or anything else under the sun, and people don’t have to “look sick” to have an eating disorder. it’s also really harmful when you say something like “i never thought you would have one” or “you’re so skinny, you shouldn’t worry about stuff like that” because it reinforces harmful ideas and low self-esteem surrounding eating disorders.

types of eating disorders

there are many types of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, pica, binge eating, and more. there are also plenty of borderline eating disorders that there aren’t always names for, but come coupled with over exercising and intense body dysmorphia.

long-term effects

when media depicts eating disorders as quick-fixes for weight loss, it’s really harmful for multiple reasons. a) it’s not healthy weight loss. b) it doesn’t work like that. c) you’re glorifying something that has a massive mental and physical toll on the body. d) the long term effects are incredibly harmful and completely brushed over.

the effects will be different for different types of eating disorders, but they can lead to general gut irritation, acid reflux, and tooth decay, and in the long term things like cancer, organ failure, and stunted growth.

the effects vary and this is not a complete list at all, but media never keeps in mind the ugly side of eating disorders - only the sense of control and the belief that one is doing something good to lose weight, which is entirely false.

treatment

if eating disorders are really bad, the person may have to be hospitalised in order to maintain a healthy weight. often dieticians may help to improve food intake and reach a consistent weight.

psychologically, different types of therapy are recommended to change one’s relationship with food and with the self. but it’s an uphill battle and no single conversation can heal it.

tl;dr the movies were wrong.

[atopearth]

Court of Darkness Part 9 - Knight Route

I actually find it hilarious that Knight hides behind Toa when Fenn teases him or whatever loll. He's like a little cat🤣 I'm surprised that Knight can't use magic🧐 But it doesn't seem like Grayson's situation, and more like he can't use it right now? It's so cute how Knight is helping her out with her studies whilst she tells him what they learnt in class so he can improve on his magic studies. It was so cute how they went around town together and Knight even ended up buying the heroine a hair clip, what a nice memory for the future~ Man, bullies are disgusting, and them breaking the hair clip made me so mad!! I'm so heartbroken for the heroine, I wanted to cry with her. She was so happy and wanted to cherish it so much, I'm so sad for her😭😭 I hope she practises her magic well and fixes it😭

Um, okay? I didn't expect a grown up taller Knight, that was really weird lol! However, the bigger problem is that Knight looks so much better normally than he does tall like an "adult" lol. Can I have shorter him back? Lolll. I hope this isn't the final form because I didn't sign up for this. I mean, Oliver in Ikemen Revolution was okay, because that was obviously his child form and the heroine wasn't going to be doing things with him like that, but here, it seemed like Knight is an adult but just on the short side, so randomly making him tall isn't really... right? Loll, I guess we'll see how they plan to go with this... I'm glad the heroine told Knight the truth about the hair clip and then they studied magic together and then repaired it together, I found that really sweet. I am soooo glad Toa finally saw those "admirers" treating the heroine like crap and told them off because wow, they're crazy. I'm glad Knight was there to protect her because the fact that they're so publicly attacking the heroine in a physical way at the party just shows how much they've lost it tbh. They should really get a harsher punishment, especially since they don't think that they're wrong. Anyway, I love how cute and honest the heroine was saying she missed him because she didn't get to talk much to him at the party today, and Knight blushing hearing that is just so cuteee! Awww, Knight being shy and trying his best to invite the heroine to go out into town again is so adorable.

I'm so sad that it really is true that Knight's "real form" is the adult version of him😭 He's got something like the stone in the heroine's choker inside his chest and that basically stunted his physical and magical growth, and the reason he's been fluctuating from big to small etc was because of the heroine's amplification magic affecting him. Anyway, like, it's cool and I guess interesting, but I'm so used to smaller him and I like how he is in his smaller counterpart more😭 Okay, I am very interested in that Goblet Chess Fenn and Jasper were playing because it sounds so fun to have a drink when you lose a pawn hahahah. It's sad Knight had to find out in this way that Toa manipulated his memories. I can see why his world has shattered for him and he can't bear to talk or face anybody not knowing what exactly is true and what is "fake" when it comes to his memories. Knowing Toa's reasons, I understand why he did it, and I personally think his decision was for the best as well considering he wanted to protect Knight, but it doesn't change the fact that he did it and it hurt Knight, so hopefully Knight musters the courage to talk to him soon. In terms of prince and valet relationships, I definitely love theirs the most, so I want them both to be happy.

It was really cool when Knight came out to save the heroine from the thugs, and I'm really loving how the heroine knows for sure how important Knight is to her, and how much she wants to be by his side at this time. I was really happy to see Knight recover his memories and not look at Dewi with disgust and hatred anymore. Dewi was concerned for Knight and wanted to make sure he wasn't being taken advantage of by Toa, so I'm glad things worked out, just kinda sad that their paths do not cross and it was a really short "reunion", but seeing them so gently smile at each other was kindaa good enough. What I'm most happy about is Knight's feelings towards Toa remaining the same even after recovering his memories. He was always scared of that, so it's great to see that he recognised Toa's actions and feelings were genuine, and he properly talked and made up with him too! Omggg, I love how when the heroine was about to say she planned on staying in this world forever with Knight, he interrupted by saying that maybe they can hone their magic enough that they could freely go between this realm and her realm! I was so ingrained with the idea that she could only choose one because of all the other routes that I didn't even think of this possibility haha! I'm glad he said that, and I'm glad they shared their feelings with each other. Okay, I'm not sure if the mischief ending is better but the magic ending is so underwhelming!!! No kiss, no sex, nothing!! I mean, I love lap pillows but it just felt so inconclusive in terms of story and romance, I was so sad!!😭

Overall, even though I do feel like Knight gets the short end of the stick by getting no kiss etc at the end, I really did enjoy how he and the heroine developed their feelings. I thought it was really cute how she would share what she learnt in class with him and they would study together, and he would go around town with her and show her things she didn’t know about. I also really liked that we got to see their magic bearing fruit when they both worked together to fix the hairclip, I honestly thought that was a highlight in the route because it was so cool and meaningful to have them both fix something precious to them. I also really liked how they dealt with the dilemma with the lost memories because I think it really showed well how much Toa cared for Knight, but also how difficult it was for Knight to have his whole world turned upside down. Knight ran away a bit too much, but I’m glad he talked it out later on. I think the only thing I didn’t really like was the adult version of Knight lolll, like he’s still cute and stuff but he doesn’t feel like Knight, and I honestly prefer the normal short version because he’s so much cuter and I don’t think it was necessary to have him have an “adult form” so I’m sad that the adult form is the real one zzz, but otherwise I think Knight and the heroine is very cute and I like them.

[riktorart]

“Welcome for the third, and (hopefully) final time to the auditorium, beloved students of Night Raven College! Yes, as many of you expect, this assembly is in regards to our ice cream fundraiser, which has yet to take off! However, now that I’ve recovered from my horrific injuries from last month’s assembly, I say it’s time for us to start anew, and introduce our new line of flavors!

… Why are you all groaning??? Truly you’ve not grown tired of ice cream already, have you?! … No, no, it can’t be… You all just must be far too excited to carry on! Very well! I shall introduce to you the newest flavors, and then you’ll be off! Making me… Err, the school, enough Madol to fix the chandelier that was broken (again) last week!

… Hm? Why aren’t we using the past flavors? … Well… You see there was a… Ah, would you look at the time! If we don’t start now, we’ll never finish! Vargas! Bring up the first cooler!!! NOW!!!

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Lemon Zestvolt- Don’t let his frown fool you, this sweet cream is actually quite sweet, with it’s mellow mix of lemon and lime that’ll make you smile! (... Though, it does take quite a while to actually get past the bitter aftertaste… And it’s surprisingly loud… And… It feels like it’s constantly judging my every move according to a standard that’s quite frankly unrealistic… And... You know what? We’re just going to move on for the sake of my self-confidence!)

Blue Berrygrotto- Despite it’s name, this treat’s name is quite deceiving! It’s not just blueberry, but in fact, a mix of eight different types of berries, all baked into a freshly warm pie and served a la Mode with a trustworthy smile~! (… Hm? What do you mean that sounds a bit much…? Ehrm, no matter!) 

Even if it’s a bit… Wet, you won’t mind at all once you enjoy it’s wonderfully sophisticated taste! Ah and would you look at that! On sale for only 300 Madol! What a steal~! Make sure you stop by the cafeteria to buy a Blue Berrygrotto today!

Lion-Colored Kingsicle… Stick- … Well! There was a batch of ice cream in this cooler… And now it’s gone. We have no idea where it we- (... Oh, hold on, did we find them?) … Well! Turns out that as we speak, the original ice cream has been found tucked into obscure corners of the college where no person in their right mind would even think to look, or… On beds… (It seems the only reason they’ve been found is because they’ve begun to melt…)

… Well! We still have popsicle sticks available, so why not treat yourself with some? I’m sure at least one of you could find something to do with so many popsicle sticks!

(Warning: If you encounter this treat on your daily commute, simply back away slowly, and contact a trusted member of Night Raven College Staff to dispose of this treat. Do NOT engage. (Night Raven College is not liable for any injuries/death that may result in confrontation of this product.))

Coco’lover!- Ah, did you think this treat was simply coconut! Well, my delightful students, you are wrong! This ice cream is a delicate balance of coconut, and pistachios, a surprisingly friendly combo! … Well, that is as long as you like coconut… And pistachios…  (On second thought, this combo wasn’t the best idea now, is it?)

… Ahem! I hear it pairs quite well with baked delights, so do keep that in mind!

Mortho Energy Drink… Sicle- Tell me children, would you like to stunt your growth by drinking unhealthy shots of pure caffeine? Well, I’m here to inform you that is a foolish idea! Why drink them, when you can eat them instead with an ice cream sponsored by Mortho™ Energy Drinks! Whether it’s for a late-night study session, or for an extra kick during finals, Good ol’ Mortho here will help to keep your poor body conscious against its will! 

(... Also, please buy these as soon as possible. He’s beginning to miss one of our discontinued flavors, and will melt… (Night Raven College is not liable for injuries/death that may result from consumption of this product. If Mortho™ Energy Drink-Sickle commences Self-Destruction mode, toss it as far as possible, and duck for cover. To avoid such an occurrence from happening, do NOT insult any person with fire-like hair within the vicinity. It WILL hear you, and it WILL be upset.))

Catolate Diamikan- Do you need to take a… (Wait, what was that one site called…? Ah, yes!) MagiCam-worthy photo of yourself and friends? Well, fret no longer students, as this is the treat for you! A picture of you and Catolate’s smile is sure to be a hit! And if it’s not… Well, he’s flavored like white chocolate and oranges, so either way, you’re a winner!

(... Speaking of photos… Trien, why did you not like my “selfie” that I took earlier this afternoon? … Ah, you’re right! This isn’t the time for such trivialities! I shall simply discuss it with you later then!)

Mir-Lot- A treat based on the likeness of our beloved Magical Mirror itself! Doesn’t it look absolutely stunning, in all it’s glory? Ah, even this old bird can’t help but marvel at it’s timeless beauty… This treat is a nice, deep merlot-flavor, (non-alcoholic, of course!) that I’m sure more mature audiences will enjoy… 

And even if you don’t… Well, you don’t want to hurt our beloved mirror’s feelings now, do you? You should buy one anyway, just so it knows for sure it’s appreciated~!

Berry Bad Cat- This… “Cute,” little feline’s filled with many surprises, and though most of them are a hassle… This surprise is actually quite pleasant! A bold blackberry taste, sprinkled with small popping candies that seem to light a spark along your taste buds… Why, it’s surprisingly easy to grow attached to it!

(… Wait, what do you mean my tongue has turned black?! Oh heavens, get me a mirror!!! And water!!!)

Ramshackle Special- Um… Well… This ice cream had no specific flavor. It was an amalgamation of every single flavor crafted so we could save funds and resources, and it was quite awful the majority of the time, so we’d lowered the price for 100 Madol, but… Before we even made the official announcement, someone snuck into my office and took every single one… Of course, they were at least kind enough to leave the funds for it all, but…

Oh, who cares about manners?! WHICH ONE OF YOU RELEASED FIREFLIES INTO MY OFFICE?! … Well, if no one will confess to the crime, then everyone will be punished for the crime! … Later, of course! 

Now, like before, we have three special options that are just a tad bit above the rest in terms of flavor and appearances, so despite how kindhearted and generous I am… We will have to charge just a bit extra for these three. Surely you all understand~! These next treats are also quite limited, so if you desire to delight in one, make sure you buy them fast! Once they’re gone, they’re gone!!!

(Well… Not completely, but if people are under the illusion that there is no second chance, then they’re be far more likely to make impulsive purchases! Oh ho ho~ Dire, you clever, dapper man, you~ … Wait, did I say that out loud?)

… Anyway! Our first premium snack!

Rhymes Rosetarts- A delightful treat of sweet cherry tarts with cream and… Oh, is that actually a hint of roses I caught?! How interesting! I’d love nothing more than to dig in, yet… For some reason, I feel that even if my manners slip just a tad, that I’d be chastised… Ah, I suppose I will simply have to consume the treat carefully, lest my suspicions are confirmed true… Which they’re not!

(Night Raven College is not responsible for injuries/death resulting from consumption of this product. Make sure to review the rulebook supplied with each purchase before unwrapping this treat. Once it is free from it’s wrapper, it will always have it’s eyes on you…)

Varbucks™ Iced Protein Coffee- Are you fan of coffee? Or perhaps something sweet, but healthy? Well this treat i-”

“OI, DIRE! WHY AM I THE ONLY STAFF WHO’S ICE CREAM WAS AWFUL?!”

“A-ah! Professor Crewel! Well, err… I’ll… Get back to you on that, yes! So why don’t you have an ice cream and calm d-OWN NO, NO, NO!!! GET OFF THE STAGE I’M SORRY CREWEL PLEASE DON’T H-YAHHH!!!”

Apple Farmier- “... Well, I suppose since the Headmaster was forced to step away for “business,” I should wrap up this assembly. The final dessert available for purchase during our school fundraiser will be the... “Apple Farmier?” (... Crowley seems to have a knack for finding such strange names…) 

The Apple Farmier is described to have an almost overly-sweet aroma of ripened apples, yet when bitten into, administers a horrific shock from it’s incredibly sour taste. Those who have tried it described an almost numbing sensation on their tongue, and one such person even lost consciousness as a result of it.”

“Meow.”

“(Hm? Quite right Lucious, thank you for the reminder.) If you purchase this treat, do be aware that our esteemed institution does not hold any accountability for any harm that comes upon you. Do consume the product at your own risk… As for the lot of you who’ve decided to fall asleep during the assembly, I shall see you in detention. In case you’re wondering, yes, I see you, and I will remember if you decide to “ditch.”

Now, you are dismissed. Vargas, please make sure the students return to class while I check upon the Headmaster’s condition… (And hopefully this will be the last of these tedious assemblies…)”

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Bonus

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Lionel Kingsbutter- “Have you ever sat down and thought, “Hm, there seems to be something missing in my life… Something… Hard, surprisingly sweet… And yet, something with a mean bite to match it’s bark?” Well, this treat has no bark, but it does have quite a bite! Smooth, delightful cookie butter than just melts upon your tongue, and plentiful chunks of crispy cookies! They’re a bit… Spicy… But strangely... Delicious! (... Water… I need water...! … Thank you, Trien.)

And if that’s not enough, why, just look at it’s adorable little ears, and i-YEOWCH!!! DID IT JUST BITE ME?! IT’S FROZEN CREAM, HOW DID IT DO THAT?! BAD KITTY, BAD KITTY! WHERE’S THE TRASH C-AAAAH IT’S LATCHED ONTO MY CLAWS!!! SOMEBODY, ANYBODY GET IT OFF!!! GYAAAAAAAH!!!”