#how i overcome my own mental health issues

[thecoiledserpent]

Vedic astrology is very scary to me. Like I haven’t really started studying it but from what I have seen of my own chart it just makes me depressed and anxious. My Mental Health is already in the gutter and reading all that just made it worse.. now im trying to let go of it completely but it’s still like constantly on my mind … (I doubt anyone wants to know that they might die xxxx or die xxx way or whatever other horrible thing this astrology is supposed to predict) do you have any advice on how to maybe overcome this issue/problem? I mean finding out abt yourself can be nice but not when it shifts to the negative side

again, mostly a cultural problem. such a thing is not taken seriously in india, and those observations about death are usually taken with pride. id suggest to stick to tropical if it bothers you too much, but if you have the heart or strength to, then try to understand the nature of death. unstoppable, creeping up without a moment's notice. it is said that just as a soul enters the womb, the occurrence of its death is predetermined.

fearing such a thing is quite futile, wouldn't you say?

[crowroboros]

I went Carl first. My initial impressions from his route were:

TJ/Flynn/Leo did not have much given that they weren't in Carl's route much. TJ seemed traumatized about "what happened at the lake" and was very much the "goody two shoes" Christian kid; Leo didn't seem to be able to let go of the “perfect get-together” idea; and Flynn seemed kind of like a dick but because he knew something was up about the Lake incident.

Carl's situation was both frustrating but also really understandable. I completely get how debilitating anxiety can be and him being born into a rich family doesn't change the trauma and struggles he experienced. Though it is frustrating cause he is born into a rich family who coddle him and only back up his inaction; Carl needed to get help with his anxiety and his parents didn't even make much of an effort to try to assist him in that journey. Debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues aren't a “just get your shit together” sort of issue, you don't just wake up one day and go “I'm better now”. It takes work and a support system Carl didn't have a drive to do that work, nor did he have that support system (minus Flynn) prior to his route.

I did not (and still do not) see his parents as being anything more than superficially supportive. They clearly care about him and his well-being, but not in a way that's truly beneficial to him or his growth. His parents are definitely a massive step up from Jenna's, but I don't see them as particularly spectacular or anything. They're just rich. A big part of Carl's self-esteem issues is that his parents never actually supported his interests. They didn't outright show hatred like Jenna's, just complete indifference. They showed him that while they do care about him, they couldn't give much of a shit about what he actually likes and wants to do in life. Whether they meant it or not, they gave him the impression that his art career and personal interests were "lesser" things not worth taking seriously.

I doubt they actually wanted to make him feel that way, but with how Carl talks about his own art; his initial desire to major in art, which was vetoed by his parents in favor of business; and his story arc over his route, it's my own interpretation that Carl's issues stem from being treated as his family's successor and heir to the business rather than his own person. And part of his route is overcoming that (something I also talk more about in this ask).

And so on a similar note, Jenna's frustration with Carl is completely understandable cause she was born into the exact opposite circumstances and managed to progress in life in the exact opposite way than Carl. She grew up poor with a very abusive family life with parents who didn't give a shit about her. She's right in a lot of what she says, but fails to fully grasp the extent of Carl's mental health struggles, seeing it more as a moral failing and laziness on his part.

It makes sense why she thinks that, as with the information she's presented, that's how she interprets the situation. It isn't like Carl is the most open about how he's feeling and about how things are for him, so why would she know? It's like what you said in the Jenna character analysis post you made; It’s obvious to her that the town breaks people and if they were smarter they would know they should leave; if they were stronger or just tried harder they could leave because that's what she did.

Beyond that though, I saw Jenna as really independent and steadfast in her own interpretation of the world. She's a fascinating character.

First Route

I'm curious; what Route of Echo did you first play and what were your impressions of each of the main characters, just from that route?

I did Flynn's route first.

Chase: Despite the reveals and some of his behavior, I actually liked him. Super flawed, but still relatable and somewhat tragic.

Carl: Had a big part in Flynn's Route; I thought he was a bit of a goof, but well meaning. Felt pretty bad for him when the interview went south. Was definitely weird seeing him in other routes without Daxton to bounce off of.

Leo: I ended up picking all of the Daxton option, so Leo was muy loco here. Still didn't tip me off to how his route was going to go though. Mostly I just felt bad for him (if a little scared) because it was very clear choosing not to talk things out led to this.

Jenna: Jenna came off as overprotective, but even though she was overly harsh with Flynn, I did get where she was coming from and couldn't judge her too hard. She also redeemed herself (and her relationship with Flynn) when he trusted her to use a gun, and she shot the monster on the road (and the ending with little Jenna left me loving her and her relationship with Flynn).

TJ: I kind of feel like this is TJ's strongest route; he tells Leo and Jenna to shut up and stop babying him and willingly tells Flynn what happened. While he spends the rest of the route scared out of his mind (understandable), he's still less comatose than he is in Leo and Jenna's routes. I'd say he left a pretty good impression.

Syd the Kid: I think I'm slowly coming around to the idea that kid Sydney is my favorite character, and I've replayed his scenes more than any other part of the game. They're just so good and they give you such a good sense of who this child was. I know he bullied TJ (and the tragic backstory doesn't excuse that), but I still love him (and what he could have been).

Flynn: Man of the hour. One of the, if not the most tragic character in the game. Chase wanted to know what his deal was, and this route sure did tell us his deal. None of this excuses how he treated TJ (or the others), but knowing his motivations (and what he's done) makes his actions in the other routes, particularly Jenna's, much more meaningful. Came out of this really admiring the complexity of his writing and how he never stops being an asshole, but is an asshole you root for. (Disclaimer, Flynn is the character I most relate to, so I might be a little biased.)

[heavenly-garden]

Hiii everybody. 👋😁

Just wanted to pop in and see how you're all doing. Pls know that if u need a friend or a non biased shoulder to lean on I'm here for you. If you need encouragement or a friendly reminder to take your meds, I'm here for you.

I also take meds to help with my mental health and well-being, it is what it is. I do it consistently everyday and in the end it's what's best for me because I have a much better quality of life than I once did. I was like so many people, going through life undiagnosed, frustrated and feeling overwhelmed and confused not understanding what was wrong with me. It's ok that my brain is wired a bit differently, I deal with it responsibly and take accountability for my actions and mistakes. I'm only human after all its ok to make mistakes and we all to trip and fall along the way sometimes, its how we get back up from the fall that matters. One thing that comforts me is knowing bad days don't last forever, eventually the dark clouds pass and the sun returns and I feel my mind clear up and I can think straight again.

The thing is our over all attitude about life is what will lead to peace or to war with one's self and by extension others. Also our lack of self awareness and lack of discipline over ourselves is what makes us our own greatest enemy. We give in too easily to our emotions and desires, we hold onto false ideologies that in the end hurt us more than help us. Constantly stressing ourselves over things we can't control leads to constant tension in our mind and body which amplifies the symptoms of said mental illness and can lead to aggression or apathy. We must learn coping skills, to self sooth and calm ourselves when we feel like we may explode from over stimulation or we end up lashing out at the world and life becomes all the more difficult. As if we need more problems when our mental health causes enough of it's own.

Life has it's share of pain and suffering but it also have its beautiful moments. No one ever said growth was going to be easy but it is necessary to having a more balanced life that isn't constantly falling apart due to short sighted choices and chasing pleasure over self discipline and patience.

[drchucktingle]

THE TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION TELLS CHUCK TINGLE TO STAY HOME BUT WE PROVE LOVE ANYWAY

just when you buckaroos thought 2024 would be a break from book drama, here comes chuck tingle in the mix. recently i was asked to be a featured speaker at the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION annual conference. a few days ago they rescinded my invitation. here is what happened.

(EDITED TO ADD THIS LINK. if you have a hard time reading this on way of tumblr you can also read for free on chucks patreon)

i would like to start off by saying it is not my intent to start a fight, and all those reading this should know that the actions of a few misguided folks do not speak for the whole TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION. i am sure there are many involved who will be very upset to learn what others at TLA have done in their name. there are many individuals here, so please do not paint them all as villains in your mind. besides, chuck loves the dang library everyone knows that.

the point of writing this is not to vilify. i am writing this is because MOMENTS OF DARKNESS are the best places to SHINE A LIGHT AND PROVE LOVE IS REAL. this is a perfect time for learning and growing and for us talk on some very important things that queer buckaroos and neurodivergent buckaroos face every day. this is an unfortunate moment that WE can turn around and use to prove love is real.

i am also writing this to understand some of my own personal feelings on the matter. for something that seems very simple on the surface, the trot is complex, and i am still working out my emotions on the whole dang thing. i am learning in this way.

PART ONE: BAG OF LOVE

a few months ago chuck was asked to be a featured speaker at the 2024 TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION ANNUAL CONFERENCE. i have been asked to do things like the before and it is ALWAYS a fun time to meet bookseller and librarian buds. trotting around face to face and talking about my story of conquering chronic pain and overcoming my mental hurdles is VERY IMPORTANT to me. i say YES to these things whenever i can. (here i am with authors at CALIFORNIA INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE conference. they are a WONDERFUL group and they proved love with their OWN invitation to chuck. this was such a moving event with so many amazing authors and stories. got very teared up during this photo)

ANYWAY BUCKAROOS i get the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION invite and say 'YES BUD LETS TROT'. we are then confirmed.

months pass. a few weeks ago i get a call from my manager and agent and publisher saying ‘the TLA have rescinded their invitation.’

turns out some things had been going on behind the scenes

at some point the TLA asked chucks INCREDIBLE HEROIC BAD ASS PUBLISHER if chuck would be okay with not wearing the mask, to which tor/nightfire/macmillan said ‘what the heck are you talking about of course chuck is going to wear his mask. this is how chuck presents himself’ (NOT EXACT QUOTE)

as you all know, my pink bag way is a VERY IMPORTANT SPACE. as an autistic buckaroo it is a boundary that allows me to express myself freely and relieve my chronic pain from neurotypically masking all day. i have talked about this for years, and it is why i consider my private identity a SACRED THING. it is literally a health issue.

fortunately THE PINK BAG is never really a problem when making appearances. i have spent years going on television shows, doing interviews, speaking at other conferences and conventions, hosting book events on tour, and even MEETING WITH LAWYERS in my pink face covering. it is always respected and that is very validating to my way.

when arriving anywhere i always take precautions. i always warn buckaroos ahead of time that there is a masked man coming. i always have someone go in ahead of me JUST IN CASE. again, there has never been an issue. at a big conference where i am a special guest there is ESPECIALLY not an issue because my face and bio are printed IN THE DANG PROGRAM

SOME FUN TIMES AT BIG EVENTS BELOW:

CHUCK ON TV SHOW NAME OF 'AT MIDNIGHT' BACK BEFORE I WROTE LOVE IS REAL ON MY HEAD:

well, there has never been an issue.... UNTIL NOW.

PART TWO: RESCINDED

a few days ago TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION suddenly messaged my publishers and said that chuck tingle is no longer invited. my invitation was rescinded. the reason given was that people could possibly be uncomfortable with my mask

right out of the gate i would like to say this: it is absolutely the right of the texas library association to disinvite someone from their conference. it is their event, after all, and they can ban anyone they would like, for any reason.

of course, that doesnt mean other folks HEARING THIS NEWS wont have their own opinions the TLA choices. if the TLA disinvites someone, their reasoning for doing this can be discussed and analyzed. whether or not they follow their own guidelines can be questioned, and certainly their kindness and tact can be considered

there are a few BIG POINTS to make regarding this choice from the TLA

first and foremost, i just gotta say buckaroos, it is incredibly rude to invite someone to be a guest speaker at your event, have them confirm and mark off their calendar and turn down other offers, then rescind their invitation. this is maybe the simplest of the points, but it is an important one.

second, (DEEP BREATH HERE WE GO BUCKAROOS) i personally do not think of my autism as a disability very often, but i also KNOW that despite these feelings it ABSOLUTELY IS. autism is important to be listed as a recognized disability because of the help some autistic buckaroos need regarding government programs and things like that. ALSO just because my neurodivergence has helped me in some ways (hyperfocus and a unique artistic sensibility for example). i personally need to step back and remember my battle with stress and chronic pain from having to neurotypically mask all the time. for as much as i love being autistic it has made some things very difficult.

in other words, i am perfectly capable of speaking and interacting with folks without this pink bag on my head BUT WHEN I AM IN THE CHUCK TINGLE SPACE I REQUIRE IT. i can ONLY use this space while covering my face. is not a want. it is a need. holding this boundary is more important than i can ever say. i will not, and can not, let these spaces cross.

TLA not letting an autistic author wear the face cover theyve set up to express their neurodivergence in a safe, healthy way is--for lack of a better term--NOT A GOOD LOOK.

i cannot fathom them disinviting another author for using a disability aid. i cannot fathom them saying that a buckaroo who hears better with a hearing device cannot use it during their panel because it would make others 'uncomfortable'.

but here we are.

PART THREE: WHAT DOES A BUCKAROO GOTTA DO TO GET BANNED AROUND HERE?

this is the TLAs official stance on disability issues according to their website:

when poking around on the TLA website i noticed a few other things. i noticed a previous guest speaker wearing a niqab, and i was left wondering if the religious significance is what make that okay but chuck tingle banned. that made sense until i looked deeper and saw mascot buckaroos dressed up on the exhibition floor, and saw some kind of spiderbud in a costume contest. nobody around them seemed to be all that scared. their invitations REMAINED INTACT.

it should be mentioned here that AT ONE POINT during the discussions an email was sent from TLA saying chuck is allowed to come and wear his mask in the exhibition halls and smaller panels, just not at any of the big PAID PANELS i was once supposed to participate on. this was a confusing offer, but their explanation was that people who paid for something should have the option to not see chucks 'scary neurodivergence aid'. i tried to wrap my head around WHY they would make a distinction. maybe the exchange of money (rather than time) causes some kind of philosophical adjustment that i just cant grasp?

i wonder, would the author who wears a niqab ALSO be banned from the paid panels? i hope not

my answers trotted up short until i investigated deeper and found this quick moment from one of the TLA help videos. while some events DO require additional buckaroo cash, it actually appears that THE ENTIRE CONFERENCE IS TICKETED AND COSTS MONEY.

at this point i realized there is clearly no actual official policy about not covering your face (other than one from a few years ago saying that you HAVE to cover your face), and the addition of 'money' is a red herring. these excuses make no sense

PART FOUR: CLOSE THOSE GATES

it appears that my neurodivergence is 'scary' enough to get me uninvited, REGARDLESS what their disability and mask policies may say

BUT WHY? why is chucks preferred physical presentation valued SO little by the TLA that a THEORETICAL complaint is worth more? is my neurodivergent expression so awful? is my own safety as a queer activist such an afterthought?

is a pink bag with the words 'love is real' scrawled across the front REALLY going to frighten someone when the posters and pamphlets on the way into in panel would have a photo of my masked face saying THIS IS LITERALLY WHO IS ABOUT TO APPEAR BEFORE YOU.

if THAT accommodation is too much, would it really be so difficult to have someone trot out beforehand and make an announcement? to say 'there is someone on this upcoming panel who needs a mask to express this part of himself, if this makes you uncomfortable then this panel might not be for you'.

and really, i have to heckin ask, is this physical expression of my raw inner truth really so hideous and frightening that fear of making someone uncomfortable is a REAL problem?

(a terrifying display of autism. apparently)

i cannot imagine what kind of precautions they need to take before a stage play featuring costumes and masks.

you MIGHT think chucks queerness and left leaning politics could be the issue with this organization, but they have had drag queens as past speakers (also featuring some GLORIOUS makeup and hair that covers almost all of their faces. VERY CURIOUS). regardless, the TLA do not seem like a conservative bunch.

if you are bisexual or an autistic person who is good at 'passing' you probably already know where this is headed, your dang spiderbuckaroo senses are tingling at FULL ALERT. i will say i do not KNOW the real reason why i was uninvited, and i do not have enough information to make any concrete statement of the real answer. there is only evidence that masks have been fine at TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION events in the past, but not much else to go on.

so the FACTS part of our discussion ends there, but i think it opens us up to talk about some very important feelings that bisexual and autistic buckaroos know well.

THIS is where we take a unfortunate, hurtful moment and turn it into a discussion. this is where we prove love is real.

as someone who is constantly doubted and put through purity tests because of my unique way, we are pushing up against a subject i know well. thats right buckaroos: we are talking GATEKEEPING

AGAIN, i do not know if this is the answer, but someone in my position might be VERY STRONGLY INCLINED TO THINK that a few well-meaning left leaning buckaroos think i am a joke and that this is a character, and that there is something problematic about my work because i am not really a real person.

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a neurodivergent buckaroo with an unusual visual presentation, an autistic buckaroo who conquered his chronic pain ONLY by creating this important space... but what about a FAKE autistic buckaroo?

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a queer LGBTQ activist standing up for gay and trans rights against a torrent of scoundrels hunting for his legal identity. its a matter of safety... but what about a FAKE queer activist?

let me be very clear for the 100th time: i am a real person. this is not a joke. i am not playing a character. i am really autistic and bisexual. tinglers are sincere and they are not ‘so bad theyre good’. they are just good. camp damascus is not ‘my first serious book’ because my queer erotica is serious. my art is important and real.

when people tell me to unmask they often do not know WHY they want it, and of course one very good reason is innocent curiosity. but there are SOME cases where i start to get THAT feeling--that tingle all of us ‘passing’ buckaroos get when we can sense the real intent behind the poking and prodding. that is the feeling of stumbling into a gatekeepers crosshairs.

if i was to take off my pink bag, what about my face would you analyze to tell if i was REALLY queer. my eye color? my ear shape? if you learned my legal name, would you see if it sounded autistic? is my voice neurodivergent enough?

or is all of that utterly absurd? i am curious what the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION thinks.

PART FIVE: GENDERED

this will be the shortest of parts, but it has to be said. i have a very complex relationship with gender, as written about at length here and here. i understand these things can be difficult to parse for some, but i ask that you trust me when i say that the ONLY reason i have been able to talk about my gender and sexuality and learn these things about myself is because of this pink bag. this outward appearance is a direct expression and reflection of my gender journey.

if the texas library association does not care about my appearance as an expression of my autism, then i cant imagine them giving a dang about it as an expression of my gender and queerness. that being said, it is personally very important to me and i think it should be mentioned

PART SIX: SO YOU WANT TO REMOVE AN AUTISTIC QUEER AUTHOR FROM YOUR EVENT BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT FIND THEIR DIFFERENCES SCARY

there is a question to be asked here: how could the TLA have done this correctly?

i have one very big piece of advice i would like to shout from the rooftops. please, for the love of sweet barbara, DO ENOUGH RESEARCH to know if this appearance will be a problem and, IF SO, dont extend an invitation in the first place. unique buckaroos with different presentations are constantly left in this place of limbo because we are bombarded with careless actions like those of the TLA. before you consider extending a branch to an artist who might need more accommodations than usual, think to yourself 'CAN WE MAKE THESE ACCOMMODATIONS?'

putting all of this on the shoulders of a single 'buckaroo with a difference' is exhausting. as the TLA has shown, we currently live on a timeline where a buckaroo like myself never really knows if an invite is SOLID without doing a deep dive history lesson on how often a group discriminates and against who.

i did not want to spend my whole family holiday worrying whether or not i should say something publicly or just lie down and shut my dang mouth. i had to consider HOW i should say it. i had to worry whether or not its worth standing up for myself in the face of the largest state library association in the country. i think buckaroos with differences are with me when i say: WE ARE SICK OF HAVING TO DO THIS WORK TO COVER FOR THE POOR BEHAVIOR OF LARGE ORGANIZATIONS WHO TREAT US BADLY

another option would just be to use kindness and common sense and happily accommodate artists with unique presentations to your conventions

PART SEVEN: LOVE IS STILL REAL

i would like to close by saying THANK YOU to my publisher nightfire and editor kelly for standing up for me. they immediately stood firm and had my back. they are the real dang deal. THANK YOU to my management and agent buds dongwon and gino for trotting along beside me. THANK YOU to the folks at the texas library association who initially invited chuck with goodness in their heart and then likely got bowled over by someone else, and maybe even got knocked to the side by a big closing gate.

i hope there are librarians in texas who are still interested in carrying BURY YOUR GAYS when it comes out (which is ironically about someone who creates a space through art to express their queerness where they cant otherwise). libraries prove love is real and what they do IS SO IMPORTANT. it was SO IMPORTANT TO ME as a young buckaroo and i cannot thank you enough. i am not sure if me writing all of this will hurt my sales in some way, but this opportunity to speak about the reality of disability awareness and queer gatekeeping is too important to stay silent. (if you have not already preordered BURY YOUR GAYS then give it a preorder to make up for some texas library losses i guess.)

which leads me to my final thank you. THANK YOU to the buckaroos reading this. yes YOU. i am in the position to stand up and speak my mind against scoundrel forces ONLY because i have the might of you buckaroos by my side. the buckaroo trot is ALL OF OUR TROT and we are ALL HERE TO PROVE LOVE. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate the way you have created a space for me to express these important parts of myself. you have seen this pink mask over my face and saying YES, I ACCEPT YOU, you have literally saved my life. for that i am so thankful.

if you are UPSET by what youve read here, then turn it into something positive. you can support autistic creators, or make a donation to the AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK

and besides WHO IS REALLY MISSING OUT? this is what it looks like when you invite the worlds greatest author chuck tingle to your event and treat their identity as valid. WE HAVE A DANG GOOD TIME

KEEP TROTTING INTO THE FUTURE. KEEP KICKING DOWN GATES WHEREVER THEY MAY BE. KEEP PROVING LOVE IS REAL AND PROVING IT TOGETHER. lets go buckaroos - chuck

UPDATE AN HOUR AFTER POSTING:

true buckaroo TJ KLUNE was set to be another author on panel chuck was removed from and has informed me he has now chosen to decline his invitation in support and solidarity with chuck. i am so deeply moved by this. thank you from bottom of heart buckaroo

to be very clear TJ has a huge platform and DOES NOT NEED TO DO THIS. these conferences are great for book sales and he is taking a hit out of pure solidarity. this is queer buckaroos standing up for eachother. i am floored by this kindness and love

please consider checking out his books if they are not already covering your dang bookshelf. chuck blurbed IN THE LIVES OF PUPPETS and i was blown away i heckin loved it

MOST RECENT UPDATE:

here is more

[tiamathh]

TIAMATHH'S PAID READINGS <33

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Hello! Welcome to the new and improved Paid readings package list!! <3 You can select for $13 (839 rs) you get 9 questions for each Package, or provide some or all of your own questions. But if you want more than 9, that will be $0.5 extra per question.

NO MEDICAL OR LEGAL Qs, tarot picks up on current energy which can always change

For now these are the only packages I have, and I do not have any with single question ones which may be introduced in the future. 

Feedback: wi.paidfeedback

My email ID - ukiyowi.tarot@gmail.com

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My GPay - DM me on @tiamathh or mail me for the same.

LINK TO BOOK A READING <3

Let's have a movie night!! <3 Keep Reading for More Info

I reserve the right to refuse to do readings for some energies and will inform about the same beforehand it is not something that has to do with the customer but sometimes I am just not able to pick up on energies

Timeline for readings being delivered are upto 10 days for 9 - 12 qs, if it is more than that it may take 10-12 days, for more than 20 questions it will take around 15-20 days <33

PAID READINGS OPEN 17 SLOTS AVAILABLE

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🎟️ 500 Days of Summer - Current Relationship

Package: Package: Package: How can I improve communication with my partner? 

What are the strengths of my current relationship?

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What does my partner need from me right now?

How can we handle conflicts better?

What is the lesson I need to learn from this relationship?

How can we make our relationship more fulfilling? 

What are the underlying issues we need to address? 

What do we both bring to the relationship?

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🎟️ Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara - Self-help

Package: What areas of my life need the most attention right now?

How can I improve my self-confidence?

What stops you and others from being more open with you

What are things you need to work through internally

Why do others love you

What is at your very core as a person?

What is blocking my personal growth?

What habits should I develop for a better life?

How can I better manage my time and energy?

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What do I need to let go of to move forward?

How can I improve my mental health?

What does self-love look like for me?

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Package: How can I improve my relationship with my parents?

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What are the hidden tensions within our family?

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How can I set healthy boundaries with my family?

What are the strengths of our family unit?

How can I heal from past family traumas?

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🎟️ About Time - Future Spouse

Package: What is the potential timeline for meeting my future spouse?

What will our relationship be like?

What will my Wedding look like and be like?

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What are the common interests we'll share?

How will our families get along?

How will our personalities complement each other?

What will be the foundation of our relationship?

Their toxic traits

Your relationship dynamic

Your first impression of them

Their first impression of you

Where could you meet

Your first date with them

How will you resolve conflicts in the relationship

Obstacles the both of you will have to overcome

Their communication style and how they show affection

What will you like and dislike about them

What will they like and dislike about you.

How can I maintain a healthy relationship with my future spouse?

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🎟️ Sing Street - Career Reading

Package: What is the best career path for me?

How can I achieve success in my career?

What skills should I develop for my career growth?

What are the current obstacles in my career?

How can I find fulfillment in my work?

What is the potential future of my career?

What opportunities should I look out for?

How can I improve my professional relationships?

What steps should I take to advance in my career?

What is my true calling in terms of career?

How can I balance my career and personal life?

What are my strengths and how can I use them at work?

How can I overcome challenges in my career?

What should I focus on to achieve my career goals?

How can I make a positive impact in my workplace?

What are the hidden talents I can use in my career?

How can I improve my job satisfaction?

What is the best way to handle workplace stress?

How can I navigate office politics effectively?

What does the future hold for my career development?

How will my coworkers view me?

How can you manifest your desired career

Are you on the right path?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ 5 Centimeters per Second - Glow up

Package: What aspect of myself is ready for transformation?

How can I manifest my dream life?

What past experiences do I need to let go of to achieve my glow up?

How can I boost my self-confidence?

What hidden talents or strengths can I tap into?

What should I focus on to improve my physical appearance?

What habits are hindering my personal growth?

How can I enhance my mental and emotional well-being?

What steps can I take to create a healthier lifestyle?

What can I do to improve my social skills and relationships?

How can I embrace and love my authentic self?

What changes do I need to make in my daily routine to support my glow up?

How can I better manage stress and anxiety?

What is blocking my creativity and how can I overcome it?

What career or educational opportunities will aid my glow up?

How can I cultivate a positive mindset?

What self-care practices should I incorporate into my life?

What spiritual practices will support my transformation?

How can I set and achieve my personal goals more effectively?

What is the best way for me to develop a more positive body image?

How can I attract more positive energy and people into my life?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Fantastic Planet - Advice from Spirit Guides

Package: What do my spirit guides want me to know right now?

How can I connect more deeply with my spirit guides?

What is the message my spirit guides have for me?

How can I better understand the guidance from my spirit guides?

What is the purpose of my current challenges?

How can I align with my highest self?

What do my spirit guides want me to focus on?

How can I improve my spiritual practices?

What is the best way to receive messages from my spirit guides?

How can I develop my intuition further?

What is the spiritual lesson I need to learn right now?

How can I create more balance in my life?

What guidance do my spirit guides have for my relationships?

How can I find my true path in life?

What are the signs that my spirit guides are with me?

How can I release any negative energy or blockages?

What do my spirit guides want me to know about my future?

How can I trust the guidance from my spirit guides?

What is the best way to show gratitude to my spirit guides?

How can I live a more spiritually aligned life?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Whisper of the Heart - Future Energies (Choose Career OR self growth OR relationship)

Package: What energies are coming into my life soon?

How can I best prepare for the future?

What opportunities will present themselves in the near future?

What challenges should I be aware of in the coming months?

What aspects of my life will undergo significant changes?

How will my current decisions affect my future?

What positive energies are surrounding me right now?

What should I focus on to attract beneficial energies?

What future events will bring me joy and fulfillment?

How can I best align myself with my future goals?

What lessons will I learn in the near future?

How will my career path evolve in the next year?

What relationships will play a key role in my future?

What financial changes should I expect in the future?

How will my spiritual journey progress in the coming months?

What steps can I take to ensure a prosperous future?

What creative projects should I pursue for future success?

How will my health and well-being be affected in the future?

What future travel or relocation opportunities will arise?

How can I best navigate upcoming life transitions?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ First Wives Club - Platonic Relationships

Package: How can I strengthen my friendships?

What should I focus on to build new platonic relationships?

How can I resolve conflicts with a friend?

What is the current state of my platonic relationships?

What can I do to support my friends better?

How do my friends perceive me?

What is the most important lesson I need to learn from my friends?

How can I attract positive, supportive friendships?

What role do my friends play in my life path?

How can I balance my time between friends and other responsibilities?

What changes should I make to improve my social circle?

What new friendships are on the horizon for me?

How can I deal with feelings of loneliness?

What can I do to heal from a lost friendship?

How can I create lasting bonds with others?

What activities can I engage in to meet like-minded people?

How can I improve communication with my friends?

What boundaries do I need to set in my friendships?

What qualities should I look for in new friends?

How can I show appreciation for my current friends?

 What new people are coming into your life platonically

How will your friendship progress

What will they teach you?

What they think of you

What they like about you

What you’ve taught them and what they taught you.

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Living in Oblivion - General Readi

Your aura and your energy at the moment. 

What is the overall energy surrounding me right now?

What recent events are influencing my present situation?

What is my current emotional state?

What are my immediate challenges?

What opportunities are available to me at this moment?

What should I focus on in the coming days?

What is the current state of my career?

How are my relationships impacting my life right now?

What habits should I change for better well-being?

What is the lesson I am currently learning?

How can I best support myself emotionally?

What creative pursuits should I explore?

How can I improve my daily routine?

What messages do my dreams hold?

What advice does the universe have for me?

What is blocking my progress right now?

How can I align myself with my true purpose?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - Next Relationships

Package: Energy with your current partner

What qualities should I look for in my next partner?

How will I meet my next significant other?

What should I be aware of before entering my next relationship?

What past relationship lessons do I need to remember?

How can I prepare myself for a new relationship?

What will be the nature of my next romantic relationship?

What are the potential challenges in my next relationship?

How will my next partner influence my life?

What should I avoid in my next relationship?

What will be the most rewarding aspect of my next relationship?

How can I attract a healthy and loving relationship?

What role will my next relationship play in my personal growth?

How can I ensure open communication in my next relationship?

What should I focus on to find the right partner?

What can I do to heal from past relationship wounds?

What signs will indicate that I’ve found the right person?

How will my next relationship affect my social life?

What spiritual connection will I have with my next partner?

What boundaries should I set in my next relationship?

How can I maintain my individuality in my next relationship?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Paprika - Pick n Mix

Package: Your own questions! Have fun 9 Questions for $7 and $0.7 for every other q <3

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Everything Everywhere All At Once - Advice from Ancestors

Package: What guidance do my ancestors have for me?

How can I connect more deeply with my ancestral roots?

What wisdom do my ancestors wish to share?

How can I honor my ancestors in my daily life?

What lessons from my ancestors should I apply to my current situation?

How can I heal generational trauma?

What strengths have I inherited from my ancestors?

How can I continue the legacy of my ancestors?

What traditions should I revive or maintain?

What messages do my ancestors have for my spiritual journey?

How can I ask for support from my ancestors?

What ancestral skills or knowledge should I rediscover?

How can I make my ancestors proud?

What challenges faced by my ancestors can I learn from?

How can I create a better future based on my ancestral heritage?

What rituals or practices can help me connect with my ancestors?

How can I show gratitude to my ancestors?

What unfulfilled dreams of my ancestors can I achieve?

How can I integrate my ancestral wisdom into my modern life?

What is the most important ancestral message for me at this time?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Om Shanti Om - Past Life

Package: What past life influences are affecting me now?

How can I uncover memories of my past lives?

Is my Karmic Cycle still ongoing?

What lessons did I learn in my past lives?

How can I heal past life traumas?

What talents or skills have I brought from past lives?

What relationships in my current life have past life connections?

How can I use past life knowledge for personal growth?

What was my primary purpose in my past life?

How can I integrate past life experiences into my current life?

What past life karma am I working through?

How can I break free from past life patterns?

What spiritual practices can help me connect with my past lives?

How did my past lives shape my current personality?

What unresolved issues from past lives need attention?

How can I access past life wisdom for guidance?

What past life events are impacting my current relationships?

How can I use past life insights to overcome current challenges?

What role did I play in my most significant past life?

How can I release any negative energy from past lives?

What is the most important message from my past lives?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Perks of being a Wallflower - Social Life

Package:

How can I improve my social interactions?

What steps can I take to expand my social circle?

How can I become more confident in social settings?

What can I do to strengthen my current friendships?

How do others perceive me in social situations?

What social activities should I engage in?

How can I deal with social anxiety?

What role do my friends play in my personal growth?

How can I balance my social life with other responsibilities?

What should I be aware of in my social environment?

How can I attract positive, supportive friends?

What changes should I make to enhance my social life?

How can I better communicate with others?

What is the current state of my social life?

How can I handle conflicts in my social circle?

What new social opportunities are coming my way?

How can I create deeper connections with others?

What social habits should I change for better relationships?

How can I be more open and approachable in social settings?

What social skills should I work on improving?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Encanto - Spirituality

Package: How can I deepen my spiritual practice?

Is a Deity trying to reach out to me, what deity could this be?

What spiritual path should I explore?

How can I connect more with my higher self?

What messages are my spirit guides sending me?

How can I enhance my meditation practice?

What spiritual lessons am I currently learning?

How can I align myself more with my spiritual purpose?

What role does spirituality play in my life?

How can I cleanse my energy and aura?

What rituals or practices can help me feel more connected?

How can I overcome spiritual doubts or fears?

What should I focus on to grow spiritually?

How can I better understand my spiritual experiences?

What blocks are preventing my spiritual growth?

How can I integrate spirituality into my daily life?

What messages does the universe have for me?

How can I develop my intuition further?

What spiritual tools or practices should I explore?

How can I balance my spiritual and material life?

What is the next step in my spiritual journey?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Uptown Girl - Inner Child

Package: What does my inner child need from me right now?

How can I nurture my inner child?

What past experiences are affecting my inner child?

How can I heal childhood wounds?

What can I do to bring more playfulness into my life?

How can I reconnect with my inner child?

What activities would my inner child enjoy?

What does my inner child want to express?

How can I create a safe space for my inner child?

What messages does my inner child have for me?

How can I balance my adult responsibilities with my inner child's needs?

What childhood dreams or passions should I revisit?

How can I show love to my inner child?

What fears of my inner child need addressing?

How can I celebrate my inner child's uniqueness?

What can I learn from my inner child's perspective?

How can I incorporate more fun and joy into my life?

What memories from my childhood need healing?

How can I honor my inner child's creativity?

What role does my inner child play in my overall well-being?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Baby's day out - Parenthood and Future Child

Package:

What qualities will my future child inherit from me?

How can I best prepare for parenthood?

What kind of parent will I be?

Messages from my future child  

What lessons will my future child teach me?

How can I support my future child's growth and development?

What challenges will I face as a parent?

How will my life change with the arrival of my future child?

What role will my future child play in my family?

How can I balance my personal goals with parenthood?

What values should I instill in my future child?

How can I nurture my future child's talents and abilities?

What kind of relationship will I have with my future child?

How can I prepare my home for a future child?

What traditions or customs should I pass on to my future child?

How can I ensure my future child's emotional well-being?

What will be the most rewarding aspect of parenthood for me?

How can I handle the responsibilities of parenthood?

What kind of support system will I need as a parent?

How can I foster a strong bond with my future child?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Secret life of Pets - From Your Pets to You!

Package: What is my pet trying to tell me?

How can I improve my bond with my pet?

What does my pet need from me right now?

How can I better understand my pet's behavior?

What can I do to make my pet happier?

How can I ensure my pet feels loved and secure?

What changes can I make to my home to benefit my pet?

How does my pet perceive me?

What can I do to improve my pet's health?

What is my pet's favorite way to spend time with me?

How can I help my pet feel more comfortable around new people?

What is my pet's biggest fear, and how can I alleviate it?

How can I create a more stimulating environment for my pet?

What should I know about my pet's emotional needs?

How can I better communicate with my pet?

What activities does my pet enjoy the most?

How can I support my pet during stressful times?

What are my pet's favorite treats or toys?

How can I ensure my pet feels safe and secure when I'm not home?

What life lessons can I learn from my pet?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Jennifer's Body – Your Sexuality (18+ ONLY)

Package: What qualities make me sexually attractive?

How can I enhance my sex appeal?

What do others find most alluring about me?

How can I embrace my sensuality more fully?

What barriers are preventing me from feeling sexy?

How can I boost my confidence in my sexual attractiveness?

What aspects of my personality add to my sexiness?

How can I project more sex appeal in social situations?

What should I focus on to feel more attractive?

How can I make my physical appearance more appealing?

What kind of energy should I exude to be more seductive?

How can I better appreciate my own sexual allure?

What can I do to feel more comfortable in my own skin?

How do my actions and behaviors affect my sexiness?

What should I avoid to maintain my sexual attractiveness?

How can I use my sexuality to empower myself?

What can I learn from my past experiences about my sexiness?

How can I express my sensuality in a healthy way?

What role does self-love play in my sex appeal?

How can I make my inner beauty shine through more visibly?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Boogie Nights: Sex Life (Fs/Next Partner) 18+ ONLY

Package: What will my future sex life be like with my partner?

How can I improve my sexual connection with my future partner?

What will be the biggest challenge in our sexual relationship?

What positions should we try out and why?

How will our kinks align

Their fantasies about me

My fantasies about them

How will my first time with them be?

How can I seduce them?

How can we maintain passion in our sex life over time?

What will my future partner appreciate most about our sexual relationship?

How can I communicate my sexual needs effectively to my future partner?

What fantasies might we explore together?

How will our sex life evolve over the years?

What role will intimacy play in our relationship?

How can we ensure mutual satisfaction in our sexual relationship?

What will be our greatest strength as sexual partners?

How can we keep our sex life exciting and adventurous?

What should we focus on to deepen our sexual bond?

How will our sexual chemistry influence our overall relationship?

What should I be aware of regarding my future partner’s sexual needs?

How can we balance our sexual desires with other aspects of our relationship?

What surprises might we encounter in our sex life?

How will our sex life contribute to our emotional intimacy?

What role will trust play in our sexual relationship?

How can we support each other’s sexual growth and exploration?

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶

🎟️ Zoolander - Fictionals/Hypotheticals

Package: What would my relationship be like with [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would [fictional character/celebrity] influence my career if we were friends?

What challenges would I face if I were in a romantic relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would my life change if I became best friends with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What kind of adventures would I experience with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What lessons would I learn from dating [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would my family react to my relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What kind of impact would [fictional character/celebrity] have on my personal growth?

What would our biggest conflict be if I dated [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would I balance my life with a relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What strengths would [fictional character/celebrity] bring into a relationship with me?

What weaknesses would a relationship with [fictional character/celebrity] highlight in me?

How would my friends view my relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What kind of romantic moments would I share with [fictional character/celebrity]?

What would be the outcome of a long-term relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would [fictional character/celebrity] support my dreams and goals?

What role would [fictional character/celebrity] play in my life story?

How would a break-up with [fictional character/celebrity] affect me?

What unique experiences would I have with [fictional character/celebrity]?

How would my personality change through a relationship with [fictional character/celebrity]?

Your relationship with the character/celeb (romantic or platonic)

Their toxic traits

Your relationship dynamic

Your first date with them

How will you resolve conflicts in the relationship

Their communication style and how they show affection

What will you like and dislike about them

What will they like and dislike about you.

Their first impression of you and your first impression of them

[nicksbestie]

hi! could you write one where reader is struggling with a fear food and chris helps her through it? extra fluff and gentle praise? thank you!!

Fear Food - C. Sturniolo

Summary : Recovery is hard, but your loving boyfriend is always there to help you <3

Warnings : Descriptions of disordered eating, mental health struggles

Word Count : 1005

Pairing : Chris Sturniolo/Reader (romantic)

A/N : I loved this req <3 ty so much for being my first Sturniolo fic req!!

Mental health is an incredibly challenging thing, and when specific parts of it wreaked havoc on your life, it was even more difficult to bounce back from that. All mental health issues were challenging, but some of them had affected you more than anything. You had spent a long time dealing with an aggressive eating disorder, and even years later, you were still recovering from the effects of it, and still going through difficult patches in your life. You considered yourself in the healing process, and lucky for the fact that you had made it out of the most dangerous portion of it, but that didn’t mean that it was completely gone. 

You still had a lot to recover from, a lot of misconstrued thoughts and ideas that hadn’t completely left you yet, but you were slowly getting there. However, that meant that there were still a lot of things that had the potential to send you back into a dark spiral, and that included a lot of fear foods that you hadn’t gotten back into the habit of eating without letting yourself slip back into a bad moment. You were slowly tackling them, trying a new one every so often, because it took a lot of courage and could take a lot out of you to try and overcome that. 

You had a good support system now, and didn’t feel as alone as you did when you were in the depths of your disorder. And you made sure that you never took them for granted, because they were a big part of the reason that you kept going and kept trying to get better, kept continuing on that path of healing. Your boyfriend and his family had rallied around you from the second that they had found out, knowing that you didn’t have that support system from your own family, and they had never let you feel alone in your struggles. Your struggles weren’t broadcasted, of course, but you were supported in every way that they possibly could, despite not completely understanding what you were going through. 

Your boyfriend had promised with his entire heart that he was never going to let you go through anything like this on your own, and that he was going to do everything possible to keep you from having to deal with it at all, no matter what he had to do. And he had upheld that promise with everything in him, making sure that he was always next to you when you needed him, a comforting hand holding yours if it was necessary, a gentle reminder that he was always there for you. He was an absolutely amazing human being, and sometimes you had no idea how you had managed to be so incredibly lucky. He was nothing short of an angel, and he did everything he could for you, no matter what he had to sacrifice. 

He had kept that promise, and was still continuing to keep it, as he sat next to you at the kitchen table, a hand gently caressing the back of yours with his thumb, arm wrapped around your shoulders as he side hugged you close to him. You weren’t speaking very much, simply staring at the drink in front of you, quietly building up the courage to move towards it. You had gone out for dinner, and Chris had gently suggested going out for milkshakes afterwards. You had been a little anxious about it at first, and he had promised that it wouldn’t be a big deal if you didn’t want to go, and he would only do what you were comfortable with. However, he also knew that you were trying to tackle another fear food soon, and this seemed like one that he could definitely tackle with you. Eventually, after thinking about it for a while, you agreed, still a little tentative, but willing to try it with him by your side. 

You had gotten the smallest size, not quite ready for anything more than that, and you had decided to take it home instead of eating it there, since the ice cream shop wasn’t too far, and you’d feel safer in a familiar setting. So that was how you got to this point, silently trying to work up the courage to actually drink the shake before it melted too much. Chris was kind, soft with you, speaking for the both of you as his arm around your shoulders helped you stay grounded. 

“I know it’s terrifying, baby, but you can do it. If you don’t want it, or aren’t ready, we can put it in the freezer and try again another day.” 

You shook your head, sighing before reaching for the cup. 

“No, I do want it, it’s just… I’m anxious about it. But I want it.” 

He pressed a gentle kiss to the side of your head, sliding the cup forward to meet your hand. 

“I understand that. You deserve this, honey. You don’t have to finish it if it’s too much for you, we can always save it. Your body deserves this, baby.” 

You really didn’t know how you had been so lucky to win such a supportive boyfriend, one who told you that you were strong, perfect, and amazing multiple times a day, but you hoped on everything that you’d get to keep him around permanently. Finally starting to drink the milkshake you’d gotten, the smile that broke out on Chris’ face was enough to make you smile back at him. 

You didn’t finish it, but you drank about half, and when you decided you were done with it for the night, Chris set it in the freezer before coming back to the table. 

Placing his hands on either side of your face, he pressed a kiss to your forehead before pressing one to your lips, moving one hand to hold your own. 

“I am so proud of you.” 

Quickly kissing him back before pulling off, your smile stayed on your face. 

“Me too. Thank you.”

~ taglist : @blahbel668 @mattsgirlfrieeend @69isabella69 @mayhem-72 @iculdstealurgf @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @sturnioloslife @heartsforkarina @nervousrebelglitter @sturniclo @elliegrace-7 @mattsturnioloisbae

~ if you'd like to be added to my taglist, click here!

~ my inbox is open, come chat!!

[yelenasdiary]

Uh,,(is this the correcct way?) i dont know how to make requests, but since urs are opened,

Can u make wandanat or katelena with gn!reader who's been in hydra/redroom for most off her life, and they just go on a date together on valentines and explain to her what valentines is?

thank you!

-confused anon

Love Letters

Pairing:  Bishlova x GN! Reader

Summary:  Kate and Yelena give you your first real Valentines

Fluff, Pinch of Angst

Translations: Detka (baby),

Warnings: Mentions of Hydra, Reader’s PTSD, Torture & Murder | 1.9K

AC: Thank you for sending me this, I went with Bishlova for something different! I hope you enjoy this xx 

Cupid's Dream Masterlist

“Kate Bishop, what are you up too?” Yelena asked with a curious frown as Kate was quick to hide whatever she was doing behind her back. Kate shook her head endlessly, “n-nothing. I was just making some lunch” explained, causing Yelena to cock a brow. “You don’t cook” Yelena replied.

Kate gave up instantly and moved slightly to the right, “I brought some cookies and was just decorating them” she paused, “because you know, it’s Valentines and I thought we could do something special for Y/n” she added as Yelena wandered over to the countertop. Yelena looked up at Kate, “I know you said they might not be up for it, which is why I didn’t do my usual thing, but I want to show them how much they mean to me” Kate rambled on. Yelena placed her hands on the brunette’s hips and pulled her closer. 

“Kate Bishop, you’re too kind for your own good. I knew you weren’t going to listen to me so I spoke with them and they’re just having a shower then you can give them your cookies” Yelena explained before kissing Kate softly. The archer’s cheeks turned red; she was never one to hide her blushes. “Thank you” Kate spoke softly. 

As bathroom filled up with steam and the warm water ran down your body, your mind couldn’t escape the thoughts of how different your life has been since The Young Avengers rescued you from an underground Hydra base. It’s been a little over four years, but you still deal with a lot of mental health issues from your imprisonment at Hydra. You’ve had a lot of support from Kate’s team, Yelena, and the now semi-retired Avengers. You’ve overcome a lot of bumps in the road but now you have this very different and much more normal lifestyle it takes you a little extra time to adjust. 

Holidays are the hardest, especially when people like to bring up their memories from the previous years while your previous year memories involve torture, pain, and murder. Even though you’ve had some time to enjoy these holidays to make new, fun memories but it was never easy. Today being Valentine’s Day, you felt a little pressure to join in whatever plans your girlfriends had made. Last year you simply just weren’t up for anything and they both respected that and let you do your own thing, Kate of course still made sure to tell you how much you mean to her. You couldn’t help by wonder why Kate and Yelena had such a profound love for you as you only ever thought of yourself as damaged goods. 

You turned the shower off and began to get dressed for the day, Kate was still decorating the Valentine’s themed cookies while Yelena was giving Fanny and Lucky their daily training session. You wore black jeans, your favourite boots and one of your comfort tees before you made your way into the kitchen of the shared apartment. 

“Happy Valentines!!” Kate smiled the moment she saw you. She grabbed the plate of cookies and wandered over to you, placing a kiss on your cheek. “I made these for you” she added happily. 

“Thank you, they look really good darling, happy Valentines” you replied with a smile, “I’ll have some after lunch” you added.

“Sure thing love” Kate said before she placed the cookies back on the countertop. 

Yelena entered the kitchen with both dogs following behind her, “Happy Valentines detka” she said with a soft smile. You returned the smile, “Happy Valentines love” you replied. You didn’t quite understand Valentine’s Day, you thought it was just an excuse for people to spend more money on gifts or just another day for people to think about other than their day-to-day life. 

“So, I have something planned for us to do tonight, if you’re up for it of course and it’s okay if you’re not but” Kate paused before she rushed to the dining table to return with two envelopes in hand, “please read this and then you can decide if you want to do something or not” she went on, handing you the envelops. You were a little confused, but you smiled softly, “do you want me to read these now?” you asked, unsure when you were supposed to read them. 

“Yeah” Yelena nodded, “Kate and I are going to go out for an hour to give you the time to read them, if you need us, text us and we will come straight home” she added while Kate threw on her coat. You watched as your girlfriends took the dogs and walked out the door, leaving you in complete silence as you sat down on the sofa. Each envelop at your name on them, and you were able to tell whose letter was who’s by their handwriting. You started with Kate’s letter. 

“Dearest Y/n,

Where do I start? There are so many things I want to say but Yelena told me to do my best not to overwhelm you with my feelings. So, if I do overwhelm you, I apologise.

From the moment I saw you, I knew there was something different about you. I can’t imagine the things you’d been going through before we found you that day but when I saw the look in your beautiful eyes, I promised myself in that moment that I would never let anything bad happen to you again and that I would do everything in my power to make you see you are much, much more than just an experiment. 

I know you never had a great start to life and if I could change the past, I would do so in a heartbeat! 

Okay, Yelena was just reading this over my shoulder, so I am going to get to the point…

I want to show you every single day how much I adore you, how much I love seeing you smile, the sparkle in your eyes when your laughing, God, your laugh is magical! It makes everybody around you join in. I know you think Valentines is a bit of an unnecessary day and I totally see why you think that but, hear me out. It’s really just an excuse for me to give you as many gifts as I like, to buy store brought cookies and decorate them and we all act like I baked them and of course, for me to make you smile. I want everybody to see the person who makes me giggle and happy, I want people to see the smile that I fell in love with.

Please join us to spoil you with love today, I promise I didn’t go overboard.

With all my love, 

Kate xoxoxoxo” 

You finished Kate’s letter with a chuckle, it was very Kate and you loved that. Next was Yelena’s letter and for some reason you felt a little more nervous to open hers. 

“Detka,

I am sure Kate has done most then woo you with her letter, I hope she didn’t ramble too much! But I know whatever she said in her letter, she is right. 

You and I come from such different backgrounds to her. When I first met her, I didn’t understand why all the little things mattered so much. You and I, although come from different situations, we share the same mindset. We were weapons, nothing mattered to us but the target. Christmas and Thanksgiving for me was all fake, a set up for some photos and for a moment to think that things were different but the next day I was back to training. 

Kate, she loves all these little days and between you and I, she’s made me love them too. It’s easier said than done but we can’t let them have any power over us anymore detka. You are allowed to be happy; you are allowed to enjoy little things; you are allowed to love the things you love and dislike the things you dislike. You can wake up at 3 in the afternoon and that’s okay.

The point is, it’s okay. You’re okay. Maybe not fantastic or as happy as you want but to me and to Kate, you are perfect. 

We love you detka and there’s nobody else we would want to do this life thing with. It’s you detka, you make us better, stronger and no words will every explain just how much you mean to us. So, join us tonight or don’t, we will never hold be mad at you for doing what you need to do in the moment. You have the power now darling, you always had.

Love,

Yelena x”

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you folded Yelena’s letter and placed it on the coffee table. You smiled softly to yourself as you reached for your phone. Your girlfriends’ words floated around in your mind as your thumb hovered over Kate’s phone number, your heart felt full, full of love that you wanted to share with them so instead of calling Kate, you called Wanda for a little help.

----

“Thank you for help Wands, I am so sorry I had to drag you away from Nat” you smiled at Wanda as you walked her to the door. “Don’t stress honey, they are going to love it” Wanda replied, “if you need anything, you know you can always reach out” she added. 

“I will, thank you. Happy Valentines” you replied. 

Once Wanda left, you double check to make sure everything was perfect before you called Kate. It was very handy that Wanda could pull anything from her magic, the apartment was littered with pink and purple rose petals, candles lit up the apartment while the freshly made pizza was sitting in the centre of the dining table just waiting to be ripped into. 

“Kate, I’m ready, I would love to do something with you and Yelena” you smiled to yourself as Kate answered the phone. “We’ll be back in 10! Get ready, I have something special planned!” Kate replied before hanging up. 

It was the longest 10 minutes of your life, your palms began to sweat, your mind racing in hopes that you didn’t go overboard with this little surprise and that Kate wouldn’t be disappointed. 

Your heart skipped a beat when you heard the door open, you stood at the end of the small hall with two roses and a welcoming, warm smile. “Bab-“ Kate paused the moment she saw you, “we’re home” she added slowly. 

“I know you’ve made plans and we can do them, I just” you paused as you took a few steps closer to your girlfriends, closing the gap distance between you all, “I just want you both to know how much those letters mean to me and I am really sorry that I’ve been so closed minded to days like these, I love you both so, so much” you went on, handing them a rose each. 

“To hell with my plans, this is perfect” Kate said, smelling her rose and embracing you in a tight hug. Yelena smiled lovingly you before Kate pulled back only to kiss you deeply. Your hands landed on her hips, pulling her closer to you to deepen the kiss. 

“I’m proud of you” Yelena mouthed as you and Kate pulled away for air. You smiled softly at her, “we shouldn’t let the pizza get cold” you said. 

“You got pizza?! This is the best Valentine’s Day ever!!” Kate said before making her way into the dining room. “There’s almost mac n cheese” you said as Yelena gently pulled you close to her, “You’re amazing, don’t ever forget that” she said before kissing you deeply. 

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[dr-spectre]

Splatoon 2 Callie Explained - (In my interpretation)

So in this blog post I wanna go over what is going on with Callie in Splatoon 2 because there's a lot of misinformation being spread around due to how unclear the events of Splatoon 2 were. I'm going to provide my own thoughts into how the Hypnoshades actually affect Callie and clear up what hypnosis actually does to a person, because a lot of people think that Callie was kidnapped and then mind controlled but its actually a lot more complicated than that. I've done a ton of painstaking research into this so if you would like some sources to what I'm saying then I'll be happy to provide it in the comments below when asked!

Okay so first off we need to establish one thing right off the bat, no, Callie was not kidnapped in the sense that she was snatched up by DJ Octavio and then brainwashed while she was kicking and screaming trying to stop him. The idea that Callie was snatched up randomly is simply not to true due to the fact that the OFFICAL Splatoon 2 relationship chart states that Callie was willing to hear out DJ Octavio and go with him. Why? Because if you look at Sunken Scroll 21 and 22 in Splatoon 2, it gives insight into Callie's declining mental health as she struggles to put on a happy face as she walks through a huge crowd of people, as well as the fact that she drew a squid with a sad face on it in Sunken Scroll 22 which is a very clear giveaway that she isn't doing well. Also keep in mind Marie was busy with her own solo thing too and Callie even states in the relationship chart that she's busy and lonely. It also explains why Callie doesn't experience any sort of trauma, turmoil or resentment after Splatoon 2 because well, she wasn't kidnapped and the shades were not forcibly put on her. (Also in Squid Sister Stories chapter 7 there's an artwork piece of Callie walking towards DJ Octavio's star mark so there's that too....)

Now I want to get into how hypnosis actually affects a person and what being hypnotized is actually like. Being hypnotized is described as having "heightened attention, increased focus and heightened suggestibility." You do not get put to sleep and become a puppet as popular media shows it to be, but instead you are hyper aware of what is going on around you. It's also said to be highly relaxing and can help with patients who struggle with anxiety and other mental issues, which might explain why Callie kept putting the shades back on, she enjoys wearing them to some degree as it helps her deal with the pain of being a celebrity, kind of like an addiction but unfortunately Splatoon 2 doesn't explore it at all and Marie (CALLIE'S OWN GOD DAMN COUSIN BTW!) jokes about it..... ugh...... at least she overcomes that addiction OFF SCREEN unfortunately....

Now that part about "suggestibility" is important to consider because contrary to popular belief, you don't lose awareness and memories while you are hypnotized and the person who is in charge of hypnotizing you, CANNOT force you to do anything that's against your wishes and you do NOT lose control of your behavior. Meaning that on some level Callie actually wanted to side with the Octarians because her life beforehand was shitty. The shades do not control Callie but instead put her in a hypnotic state that relaxes her and increases her attention and suggestibility.

For example, if DJ Octavio were to tell Callie to kill Marie instead of Agent 4, she would probably have a ton of hesitation about it and probably not follow his orders. Callie doesn't want to kill Marie, but she doesn't care or know about Agent 4 and that's why she had no problems with following DJ Octavio's suggestions. She also didn't try to attack Marie during the final boss when she was flying around and she just wants Marie to leave her alone because guess what, she's suffering from mental health issues!!!!!! And her relationship with Marie got worse and worse overtime as shown with the Squid Sister Stories.

If you were hypnotized and then the person responsible of your hypnotism handed you a weapon and told you to kill your best friend, you wouldn't do it because it's against your wishes (unless you secretly wanna kill your best friend for some reason....)

With all of this information laid out, it actually does make Splatoon 2's admittedly mid story a bit more interesting, it shows that Callie does have these dark traits and flaws about her, and the Hypnoshades bring out the worst in her. The angry, power hungry and harsh side to her, that was even built up from Splatoon 1. If you look at the dialogue from the Naughty vs. Nice, Early Bird vs. Night Owl and Callie vs. Marie Splatfests, you can see that Callie actually got upset at Marie multiple times due to her attitude.

It really does make Tidal Rush more emotional and powerful as a song if you really think about it. It's a clashing of two cousins whose relationship has been broken apart and Marie is desperately trying to reach out to Callie and fix what she has done. Maybe Marie blames herself for why Callie ran away and that's why she sounds like she's on the brink of tears in the song.... And it makes Spicey Calamari Inkantation more triumphant as a song too.

It does make me a bit angry that Nintendo doesn't wanna dive into these topics as well as Callie. She is flawed and has dark traits about her but, she doesn't try to change or grow from them in any significant or well written way, its like they forgot about it in Splatoon 3 which.... sucks man. I'm hoping we get a Side Order type deal with the Squid Sisters for Splatoon 4 and we dive deeper into the psyches of these girls, because what we have is really interesting but it lacks explanation and nuance and everyone keeps boiling it down to "welp Callie got kidnapped and mind controlled!" Which... its more complex than that... With Agent 3 and Marina it's for sure mind control and i would like to talk about them in a future blog but, with Callie? It's different and there's a lot of layers a lot of people tend to ignore because Splatoon 2's story is just... meh.

[pestorik]

whats up, im asking you about platonic cayrid

omg anon what a pleasant surprise thank you for asking! i was not expecting this at all!

im very much in love with the idea of cater and riddle having a tragic mother-daughter relationship. yes i know cater is only one year older thats not the POINT. WE ARE CALLING THIS THE CAYRID AFTERSUN DYNAMIC (this is not about my au btw it's my delusional thoughts about twst canon)

cater having mental health issues but riddle ALSO having mental health issues and cater establishing himself as someone to talk to who understands what riddle is going through. riddle finding so much comfort in cater but also KNOWING that cater has his own issues, wishing he would rely on riddle the way riddle does cater but also still being unable to fully overcome and even understand his own trauma. he can't help cater the way he wishes he could, not when he himself is still so damaged and barely able to deal with his own shit. cater will help him through it all but but riddle isn't big enough or strong enough to do the same for cater, no matter how much he wants to.

cater wants more than anything for riddle to be happy. he sees so much of himself in him but cant stand the idea of making riddle the same as him. he will listen to and comfort riddle endlessly and never talk about his own issues bc he is a parent. he wont rely on riddle like that bc that's not what a parent does to a child, that's not a burden you want a child to feel. there are things you can't share with them. he wears a mask for riddle but it's a mask made from genuine love.

they both want nothing but happiness for each other. cater will do everything in his power to give that to riddle. but riddle cant do the same, cater is unreachable to him. they are equal but they are not the same. it's not something they can change, it's just the way of the world. adults need other adults, and that's all riddle can hope for. that someone else will save cater, because he knows he can't.

(this is all rather dramatic sounding but hopefully im getting the idea across. this makes it seem like they are breaking down crying and shouting into the night for each other but it's more just a lot of sad quiet glances and the feeling of being helpless. go watch aftersun.

this is obviously not exclusive to moms and daughters, but ive always felt there is just an inherent loneliness to being a daughter, knowing your mother is suffering but being unable to help her because you are just a child. everyone says you are just like her, and it's true. but there's always the feeling, and the fact, that no matter how much you love your mother you will never truly know her like she knows you.)

[coffeegnomee]

ugh sometimes watching Kab pov I get real sympathetic for how difficult it must be to be in her brain and just be so confused all the time and exhausted about masking her feelings to make other people trust her and her pain in wanting to be vulnerable and receive vulnerability and feel deep reciprocal love.

But then she says shit, really fucking mean and toxic shit towards mental health and healing and it triggers my own fight or flight and i become a ball of rage.

And like, I do get it. When you start your journey of mental health healing you often become the toxic one as you throw the shit people have said to you at everyone who also has similar mental health issues as you. (been there done that) Doing it to process your own rage at being told these things, or thinking, out of desperation, that if you can just get them to fix themselves quickly, you can fix yourself quickly. The bullied becomes the bully.

But then time passes and you realize this shit is hard to overcome. (or maybe it won't ever be overcome! and that's okay!) And you stop being toxic and you start being compassionate, to yourself and others. And eventually you start to heal and become confident in your own self worth and the validity of your emotions.

But before then it's the fucking worst place to watch someone be in. And that place is unfortunately where we are right now.

below is a short transcript of the convo this reflection is based off of. it can be triggering so like, don't feel obliged to read it.

11/10/24 kab vod: "I have no idea what's happening"

1:42:00 KAB: “what about how he makes me feel? Why is it so important what he feels and to accommodate everything he’s feeling? Why do i have to conceded to that???”

1:44:00 “I’m sick of having to accommodate to everyone else’s actions” 

realizing your masking is hurting you is one of the worst realizations (imo). bc the mask keeps you safe, but if you can't process or give worth to your real emotions, it's not serving you.

so she swaps from processing her own feeling to being angry at zam.

1:47:00 She gets he needs time and space, but “We don't have time for to try and sit and process your emotions properly. Do it after we deal with this fucking issue [...] sometimes you just need to toughen up” 

Fucking hell the trigger i just felt for just toughen up. 

1:48:00 “i need to know what he’s thinking so that we can work together. In a team!” 

what team!?!

“‘Does zam really hate communication more than he likes spawn and the server’ literally. Like pick your priorities dude.”

I’m going to fucking throw up. Because yes. Actually yes. Unfortunately and actually yes. He's gotten a lot better but like.

1:53:00 “I dunno. I wish he would care about himself as much as i care about him. Hard to see him like this [pause] maybe he does need more nurturing than i can give him bro ugh. I am just not- i am not good at that shit. I think it’s stupid [..] when you have a job to do [..] just shove your emotions away for a bit. And then you can process them later” 

I was going to say this is just eclipse, but I just realized that maybe it's just this is exactly the perception Zam had of Vi: that Vi just wanted him to move on when he couldn't. All his deepest fears of what Vi wanted from him are being personified into a new person. 

(also he is shoving his emotions away and that's why he's not processing it and giving you an answer for why he "doesn't know"????? but since he's not a perfect ball of joy and masking to you and because he is doing what you can't (shove emotions away) you are in rage)

1:54:00  “But it’s like, while there’s a life or death situation that literally determines the entire server we don't have time to be like, holding your hand, you know? Like, you're an adult” ughh fuck. being broken is inconvenient for others and age is seen as an invalidation to any of your real brokenness. If you're old you no longer have the right to be broken. Can we please change this narrative? thx

“If he cared enough he would actively try and do something to help himself in this situation” 

Interesting choice of words to say "he would try to help himself if he cared" complaining about others not "working" on themselves (and you can never know if someone is working on themselves bc you're not in their brain) helps nobody bc you can only control yourself.

“You just want to sit and feel bad about yourself” no that's what you're doing kab

“He got me to fucking open up to him and pour my heart out and is now turning his back on that entirely. That’s what i’m actually more upset about” 

oh the naive belief that because you pour your heart out to someone they must reciprocate. That is the risk you take when you are honest with someone about your feelings. They are at no obligation to reciprocate ever. Never ever. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't true and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it. Love is a risk.

But also she feels she was forced into it. Forced to be vulnerable and she hates the vulnerability. She doesn't remember (or believe) that Zam promised to not use it against her. She isn't willing to give him the chance to not use it against her. He simply knows and that is a threat.

So love turns into spite. Instantly. And she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. And decides that she will just be fake to him.

oh girl. keeping the mask on doesn't help anything. 

“I’ve lost a lot of respect for him today. I’m done trying to impress him”

and so the mask returns. and healing stops.

[epiphainie]

what are some moments you’d like to see or you think we *should* get together between bucktommy in season 8? ‘should’ - not as in must get! but moments you think would be important to their growth and establishing them as a long term couple and would be very good for the story they’ve built so far

Hi anon,

Sorry for the very late reply, I had to think about this a bit because I love this question! This will get long, sorry in advance.

I think first things first, we need some drama lol. Seeing how a couple overcomes conflict for the first time is seeing how the relationship can/will prevail in the long term. It's also important as a story element, conflict is what makes characters make decisions and take actions, what enhances the emotional impact etc. After all, what is more satisfactory than the sense of resolution that feels earned?

I think the first type of conflict I would like to see them navigate through would be something interpersonal. I don't really want a bloated case of miscommunication because so far they have been presented to do very well in that aspect (Buck is for once not just going with the flow but proactively pursuing this relationship, they both apologize, they both hear each other, they both reassure the other etc.) but the reality is every new relationship will have a stumbling bit when it comes to communication.

I don't know what they'd specifically deal with (like Henren had trust issues and Madney ignored talking about mental health) but Buck - despite his progress - has very well-documented issues around his self-perception and the concept of love and we know it took Tommy a great deal of effort to become the guy he is today (who's in tune with Buck and seem to communicate very well), he also has his own demons. So the right triggering event can cause a moment of unexpressed emotions on both sides. (Our fic writers have been great coming up with ideas for this and I've seen many posts speculating, so if anyone has any specific scenarios in mind please put in the tags.) What I would really really love to see in a scenario like this is an explicit, on-screen reassurance of each other about the root of their issue. I want Buck to have a love interest who with clear words say what Buck needs to hear and I want Buck to reciprocate. Like I said, we've seen BuckTommy be mutually really good at this so far, so I would love to see how it looks when they deal with something bigger.

The second type of conflict I'd like to see them handle would be a conflict caused by an external threat. Maybe not something as dramatic (and hurtful) as Madney dealing with Doug but anything that puts them through the wringer a little bit. This and what I said above wouldn't need to be mutually exclusive events obviously (Gerrard, for example, can be an external threat AND a trigger for individual insecurities, interpersonal conflict etc.) but this I specifically want because I believe to convincingly set them up as a long term/significant relationship, they should show us them being a team, a united front. Where my first point was about seeing how they would navigate their individual traumas together, this is about seeing how they'd deal with the world that throws them a wrench.

Now that the heavy stuff is out of the way, I think we need to see how they would act as a couple in a group setting. This obviously touches many of the points we've collectively made over the past few months about how there's so much potential re: Tommy interacting with the other 118 members. I think one of the biggest fails of Buck's previous relationships from a writing point was how little they existed within the rest of Buck's world. The first time I watched that scene of Buck, Taylor, Eddie, and Chris having dinner together I had to do a double take because so much of Buck's relationship with Taylor and Buck's relationship with everyone else felt like two different shows. It was cute when Buck said "You don't want to see a hangry Taylor" - it made them sound domestic, it made their relationship feel actually lived. This is such a little thing for BuckTommy to feel integrated and real imo. I don't mean they have to write BuckTommy as the center of attention in a group setting, what I mean is that they need to extend BuckTommy's existence as a couple to the broader context of the show.

Kind of building on this, another thing I think would serve very very well here is if we see Tommy interact with others when Buck is not there. If we want BuckTommy to exist beyond the context of their 1:1 scenes, we need Tommy as an individual to exist beyond that as well. Again, this is going back to how Tommy has the potential for these dynamics to feel organic in a way that didn't exist with prior LIs before. And I think one specific thing I would really like to get (and this is gonna sound ironic bc I said we need Tommy uncoupled from Buck just now) is Tommy talking about Buck to other people. As we need Tommy to exist in Buck's greater world, with his people in a way that his ex-girlfriends didn't, we also need Buck to exist in Tommy's world even when he's not there. The only comparison I can make here is Abby as she was the only previous LI who had her own relationships, but damn, did we ever see a love interest talk about why Buck matters to them, how he makes them feel etc. I wanna know how Tommy perceives Buck. This is like 101 if you wanna sell to the audience the love interest is actually interested too.

Couldn't find a place for this (maybe group-setting entry was more fitting love) but I also would really like to see them act casual. This is way more superficial than my other points but I was just watching some 911: LS scenes and I truly believe one of the reasons Tarlos is sold so well is because we get domestic, comfortable touches in every scene. Again, making a relationship feel actually lived. I don't think any of the 911 couples engage in this as much as Tarlos do but they certainly still do to a degree and I want and need that for BuckTommy.

Thanks for the ask anon!

[world0fmadness]

INNOCENT MOON

bård “ faust ” eithun x reader

♡ general comforting headcanons for bård!

୨୧ love bård so much, i really do think he would be such a sweetheart who just needs love and reassurance in his darkest times <3

♡ requested by anon | view my metal masterlists here and here

reading music recommendations: exhibition by akira yamaoka - flaggan pa halv stang by diagnose: lebensgefahr

♡ it’s certainly no secret that bård struggles deeply with depression and some other mental health issues…

୨୧ most of the time, he’s actually able to push his difficulties deep down inside and distract himself by working at helvete or going to concerts, spending time with you or getting in some band practice!

♡ he thinks distraction works the best, rather than trying to jump and overcome the hurdle, he ignores it and always comes crumbling down sooner than later

୨୧ deep down, he knows bottling it up inside isn’t good and only leads to bigger problems, more intense mental breakdowns, but bård is just so unsure of what else to do… how else he can help himself, how he can possibly open up to the people around him, especially you…

♡ it’s not that bård is uncomfortable around you, quite the opposite! bård is the most comfortable around you, you’re one of the few people he feels has ever truly understood him and accepted him, one of the few people he ever wants to be better for and always wants to please

୨୧ and this is why bård is just, at first, afraid to fully open up to you about just how bad his depression can get, about how he bottles it all up until his emotions overflow and his facade comes crumbling down like a sandcastle in the ocean waves

♡ you’re aware of his depression before you even began dating, you could see the slightly distant look in his eyes at times, the way he would stare off into the void and just look so… empty, so blank and sad… but you never had any major idea of just how bad it truly was, you always figured he was likely just having some depression spurred on by being young and away from home, in a new place and surrounded by new people… probably didn’t help that he’s a pretty shy guy, you figured…

୨୧ it was only when the two of you began dating that you really peeked through the looking glass and saw just how bad it was, just how deep his depression ran him down and destroyed him

♡ pretty early in the relationship is when you witness his first mental breakdown, waking up in the middle of the night to an empty and cold space beside you in your shared bed in his apartment, your momentary confusion quickly turning to worry and concern when you hear a quiet, wet sniffle and some heavy breaths coming from the end of the bed, causing you to sit up and reach an arm over to the bedside table, turning on the dimmed lightbulb in the small lamp and setting eyes on a slightly hunched over figure sitting on the foot of the bed, their back facing you and long brown hair covering the sides of their face

୨୧ bård knows he’s been caught when you softly call his name, your voice buttery smooth with concern and love as you ask him if he’s okay, an answer you already know the answer to, really… and bård doesn’t answer, he just keeps his eyes staring down at the floor, watching as small teardrops hit against the floor, reflecting his own image back to him as he scrunches his nose slightly in dismay at the sight of himself

♡ the lack of an answer only causes you to sigh softly before crawling down to him and ringing your hands around his waist, resting your chin atop his shoulder which is covered by an old black sweater, leaning your head closer to him as to press a butterfly kiss against his wet cheek, whispering to him, asking him ever so lovingly if there’s anything you can do, if he’s upset about anything in particular

୨୧ bård leans back into you slightly before letting out a shaky breath, talking so quietly whilst still keeping his eyes on the floor of your shared bedroom… the feeling of your arms around him, holding him, it just makes him feel so safe… so able to open up and nearly all of the fears of being judged or misunderstood vanish as you cradle him from behind, yet his words are still slightly cautious and almost dismissive to his own pain, his own feelings

“ nothing… just one of those nights, you know? don’t feel good… it’s so fucking stupid… i’m sorry, for waking you up, just go back to sleep, baby… " ( you can hear the cracking in his voice as he dismisses just how bad he’s feeling tonight, just how flooded his head has become with thoughts of self hatred and a general dislike for life itself )

♡ you don’t just leave him be and go back to sleep though, this only makes you tighten your arms around him and pepper more kisses to his wet cheek, mumbling to him about how it isn’t stupid, he isn’t stupid and how you won’t sleep until you know he’s sleeping peacefully too!

୨୧ hearing all of this just makes him begin crying even more, letting you wipe his cheeks with your fingers as you whisper comforting words towards him, letting you take his shaky hand in yours and pull him back up to the head of the bed, letting you guide him to lay down next to you and immediately resting his head atop your chest as your hand comes down to brush through his messy brown hair, his watery eyes staring off to the side and his nose still running slightly as he sniffles every few seconds

♡ you hold him for the entire night, pressing loving kisses to his head every so often just as he lets out short sentences every so often, opening himself up more and more through the night in small broken up pieces, his voice soon becoming drowsy, slurred with sleep and exhaustion in the early hours of the morning and eventually, the only noise coming from him is no longer sniffles and words full of sadness! just soft breaths leaving his mouth as he sleeps, quiet snores joining soon after

୨୧ and you stay true to your word, falling asleep only when you know he has all he needs out of his system for the night and is sleeping with a clear mind, a mind with no haze of hatred, pressing one last kiss to his head and slipping your hand under his sweater to stroke his back before you let yourself fall asleep, both of you holding onto each other tightly even in sleep

♡ though in the morning, bård does try to revert back to his old ways, acting as if nothing happened, as if there was no mental breakdown to speak of and you should just forget you ever saw anything and you know it’s out of embarrassment, out of shame and lingering fear… you’re so quick to shut it down, telling him in the most gentle way possible that he cannot live like that, he needs to talk about his feelings with you, telling him to do it for you at least because you cannot stand to see him so pent up and so obviously upset

୨୧ and he will, for your sake… and to better himself for you… it takes time, of course! faust is so used to keeping his thoughts bottled up and never saying them aloud, so used to simply crying through the night and punishing himself… but he gets there, with you, he gets there… slowly but surely!

♡ physical comfort and verbal comfort is the best for bård, nothing makes him feel safer, more accepted and loved than being held in your arms… he will never deny that, he could never even try to deny that! obviously, he might get a little shy and standoffish if anyone ever sees the two of you cuddling and sees you comforting him but that’s just an error of the times, it would take him a very long time to ever lose that shyness about being seen receiving comfort

୨୧ bård is always extremely sleepy and exhausted after heaving a mental breakdown or even simply having a deep, open cut conversation with you about some thoughts he’s been having! it just tires him out talking about all that goes on inside his head, opening himself up so much after being so used to keeping it all to himself exhausts him and he will need a good sleep afterwards and a good sleep for him means cuddling up with you, feeling your warmth against him, feeling your hands stroking his face and whispering to him about how much you love him, feeling your legs tangled with his under the blankets of your shared bed and hearing your heartbeat steadily thumping against your chest

♡ i feel like bård has some pretty bad anxiety at times too, social anxiety, he just doesn’t really love being around too many people! so whenever there’s more people than usual in helvete, getting drunk and raising hell in the basement of the store, you always watch as he slouches down slightly and purposely moves his long hair to cover his face more, beginning to tap his foot against the wooden floor, bouncing his knee and repeatedly wiping his now sweaty hands on his pants, bringing a hand up to fiddle with his pentagram necklace as his eyes dart around nervously

୨୧ obviously, you do not just let him sit there and do this, you place your drink down somewhere and approach him, leaning down slightly to gently grab his hand and gesture towards the open door of the loud record store! bård is always quick to grip your hand tighter and leave the store with you, taking deep breaths as soon as you guys get outside, leaning back against the glass window whilst you stroke his upper arm, trying not to draw unwanted attention to the two of you as some people pass by to enter the store

♡ once bård has caught his breath and his body has relaxed from the previously tense state it was in, he usually just wants to go home with you! quietly mumbling that he has a bit of a headache but if you want to stay, it’s okay…

“ i think i’ll go back to the apartment… my head hurts, i’m sorry… you can stay here though, if you want! " ( bård still has a little trouble looking at you after you witness him having difficulties, always keeping his eyes trained on the ground and his fingers pulling at tiny loose threads of his venom shirt )

୨୧ you never stay though, why would you? telling him so softly that you would never want to stay somewhere so loud and hectic when you could be at home with him, watching some obscure horror movie you’ve never even heard of from his vhs collection, cuddling in bed and loving up on each other! this always makes faust bring his eyes up to meet yours and flash you a soft smile, his eyes gleaming with appreciation as you hold your hand out for him to take which he gladly does, holding your hand tightly in his as you walk back to your shared apartment together

♡ all of this isn’t to say that he doesn’t struggle with other pent up feelings too though!

୨୧ another deep struggle bård has is immense anger, he has so much pent up and always tries to find ways to relieve himself of it, to get it out of his system! something that never really proved useful before he met you… being in a relationship with you, being loved by you and loving you rids him of so much anger, so many violent thoughts… and the few times they come back to him? rough sex with you is always guaranteed to help him, just as soft sex helps him when he feels a little down!

♡ bård really just needs love sometimes, he needs to know that you’re there for him, needs to know that you love him and so do so many of his friends… he so desperately needs reassurance… and thankfully, you’re always there to give it to him <3

[that-ari-blogger]

Content. Warning. (Poison)

Hazbin Hotel has a predicament that I haven’t really come across anywhere else. The episode that I would use to recommend this series is also the episode that I would use to recommend people away.

I would recommend another tale for the characters and the storyline and how the writers weaved in a dissection of subject matter more nuanced than I expected. But Hazbin Hotel is, in my opinion, at its best when it deals with that material front and centre.

There’s a reason I have titled this post what I have. Episode four of this series isn’t shy about what it’s talking about. But there’s an interesting difference between the idea of something being subtle and something being nuanced, and there’s also another weird thing about this episode and especially the first song contained therein.

Masquerade feels like it is written by a comedian, and I mean that in the most straight faced, complimentary way possible.

Let me explain.

CONTENT WARNING: (Mention of Abuse, Mental Health, Sexual Assault, Addiction, Bodily Harm)

SPOILERS AHEAD: (Hazbin Hotel, Six)

I am an absolutely awful judge of the cultural zeitgeist, but I have observed that the music I like rarely gets described as “pop”. Partially, this is because I see a bunch of people liking a specific thing and I walk in the opposite direction, but partially this is because my musical taste isn’t limited to any specific genre.

My main musical tastes are centred around the emotionality of the song, rather than the musical distinctions. I will look at Harry Styles’ Watermelon Sugar and think it’s nice to listen to, but I will gravitate towards Olivia Rodrigo’s Vampire because of the emotional journey that song takes me on. The former of those two makes you want to dance; the latter makes you want to shout your rage at the sky.

Naturally, this leads me to ballads, songs that tell a story. The Crane Wives are particularly good at these, Curses is the archetypical example of a tale of personal guilt. But, for the sake of a constant thematic, let’s talk about Bitter Medicine for a moment.

“I bite my tongue to keep the worst of the words in So they don’t hurt nobody but me Swallow the poison I wanna spit Bitter medicine I think it’s making me sick Don’t look up to me I’m not as tall as you think You see, I talk a big game But it’s bullshit”

Bitter medicine is about bad coping mechanisms, kind of. The Crane Wives excels at exploring powerful emotions but leaves the scenarios open to interpretation. It’s not how you got here that matters, but where “here” is.

This is why the same few of their songs have gained popularity in Asexual spaces as well as in spaces for those recovering from their own actions. Reformed abusers and aces don’t tend to share much, except for a feeling of guilt.

It’s an unfortunate part of the ace experience that the realising of who you are feels like a betrayal. It feels like you have strung someone along with promises you can’t keep. I’ve been there, and it feels awful.

I do want to stress that this isn’t betrayal in reality. Being ace does not make you a bad person, you haven’t actually strung someone along. You are valid, end of argument.

The issue is that the mind isn’t always a rational thing. Sometimes it internalises things in an unhealthy way. Odds are the partner who you think you betrayed wouldn’t agree with you on that. People that like you have a habit of supporting you.

Essentially, part of being ace is that self-imposed guilt. Not every ace goes through it, but for those who do, that feeling is difficult to overcome.

But that idea of being the reason a relationship fallen apart has a lot of other applicable situations, hence the diversity of popularity.

Bitter Medicine isn’t about that, its about guilt for feeling bad. Its about the type of trauma response that is selfishness masquerading as selflessness.

The emotion on display is pain, with a song about bottling up everything until it explodes. You can’t be angry, you can’t be sad, you can’t let people help you because "there’s nothing wrong". You just have to keep things tight to your chest and let other people suffer. This is a song about becoming distant from those who can see you hurting and can’t do anything to help you.

It's about how bad coping mechanisms act as a poison that can’t be escaped, almost like an addiction.

The music video centres around the idea of others getting caught up in the crossfire of internal emotions. It’s monochromatic so you can see the stains left behind even more starkly, and those stains get everywhere. The protagonist has to be rescued by these others, but she has to let them.

You will notice that ballads don’t usually tell you the events of their stories. Everything is a metaphor; everything is a symbol. Sometimes a song will tell you outright what’s going on. That’s a strength of the medium, not a plot hole.

Which leads me to a song called Poison, a ballad that is entirely centred around the metaphor of its title.

Poison was written by Alice Cooper (with help from Desmond Child and John McCurry) and released in 1989 as a single, and it is surreal.

It’s about Cooper’s alcohol and drug addictions, which is weird considering the lyrics are ostensibly about someone he’s in a relationship with, and that’s the point.

The song depicts Cooper’s addiction as an abusive relationship, dedicating the song to that part. It’s singing to “you”, as if he’s in conversation with it, telling it to its face all the damage that he has taken.

This is personification, ascribing a will to an inanimate object, although its more than that. In this case, it’s ascribing an attraction to the object, a seductiveness. He blames himself for falling for a trap and frames the song as his own realisation of his agency. He got himself into this situation, he recognises what the problem is, he decides where to go from here.

I want to highlight that the central metaphor is used differently in both songs mentioned above. That’s part of the fun of literary analysis. Everything works together to provide context for everything else.

Poison is a song about alcoholism, so it uses the titular concept to focus on the realisation and consequences. Bitter Medicine focuses on how the poison masquerades as a cure to emphasise its point about bad coping mechanisms being traps. Hazbin Hotel’s Poison is the opposite of all these things.

The song in Hazbin Hotel is about an abusive relationship, and it uses the poison to step in for the addictiveness of that. It’s a reverse of Alice Cooper’s song, comparing a person to a drug rather than the other way around.

It is also gloriously unsubtle in a way that is really difficult to explain, so I’m going to have to use another, wildly different example.

I recently read a book called This Gilded Abyss. It’s by Rebecca Thorne (@rebeccathornewrites), and it struck me as a book that was graceful in the same way that a person can be “cool”. It’s not pompously dancing around clever wordplay. The book feels like the art is in the tale, rather than the telling, and I mean that in the best way. It’s more art than form.

The reason I bring this up is because that is the same feeling I get from listening to Hazbin Hotel’s Poison. There are cool details in the presentation, sure, but they are outshone entirely by the emotion on display. I don’t listen to the song or read the book to dwell on the fine details, not because they aren’t there, but because the story has me in a death grip and I am too enthralled by it to pay attention.

I could talk about how Poison uses high notes to ground itself, I could talk about how the songs instruments imply a fakeness. But that doesn’t seem like the point to me. Instead, I want to elaborate on what I said earlier about this song and comedy writing.

The song isn’t funny, per say. If you were insincere, you could point out that this is about a spider singing to a moth, so haha jokey joke joke. But that’s the key. Sincerity.

The golden rule of comedy is “commit to the bit”. It’s less funny to draw back and undercut yourself than it is to subvert expectations or do something dumb and go for it, despite seeing it coming a mile away.

I was a theatre kid (if you are shocked by this, welcome to the blog), and I remember being told by the theatre sports coach that for a joke to be funny, it can never be acknowledged as such. I don't know how much I agree with this, but it's a useful idea.

Hazbin Hotel does this in a big way with its entire design. It’s set in hell, and the main character is the most optimistic person you will ever meet. Pentious is a villain, and also a goober, and the show does not acknowledge the inherent silliness of this for a moment.

As such, the punchline of Poison is the final verse, which is a tour de force of Blake Roman’s acting skill. Everything cuts away and you get the emotional centre of the entire song. It’s like the dick joke you can see coming, but instead of making you laugh, it destroys you.

This is how the final scream in All You Wanna Do works. The song part of the musical Six, which I hope to cover on this blog at some point and follows the breaking down of Katherine Howard. She is seeking a kinship without any preconceptions, but everyone around her views her as nothing more than a vehicle for sex.

At the end of the song, she screams out into the stage:

"Bite my lip and pull my hair as you tell me I'm the fairest of the fair."

Six is a tragedy that has already happened. The characters know their fates, but the audience gets to learn them in real time, and is powerless but to watch with joy that turns rapidly into horror.

In this case, Howard hasn't been allowed to complain. She's been something pretty for people to look upon, and she has to be happy, right? She's married to the king. But she isn't, because nobody has at any point asked what it is that she wants.

So, she screams, letting all that rage and frustration out, letting the audience know how she really feels, and displaying her complete vulnerability in the face of history, and then she is gone, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Poison also does this with each chorus. There are mini punchlines, mini beats that make you react and keep you interested.

“What’s the worst part of this hell? I can only blame myself.”

This forms a bridge to the chorus, drawing you back like an arrow in a bowstring to send you rocketing forwards into an aggressively upbeat flurry of music. The same thing happens later on in the song.

“So far beyond difficult, To resist another gulp.”

This is use of the titular metaphor, but its also ascribing blame. Angel has been abused and sexually assaulted by Valentino, and this is the song about how he has internalised that. Namely, through condemning himself.

There are two things to note here, and I think the series disagrees with Angel on both accounts.

First up, there is the importance of proportionality. Falling for someone with more red flags than a beach in shark season wasn’t a good decision, I think we can all agree on that, but it doesn’t condemn someone to abuse.

Especially since this is the internet for Pete's sake. You only have to imply that a character is attractive, and you will have a collection of people who will defend their every move. Part of this is the "I can fix him" mentality and the fact that fictional characters aren't real, but still. Come on.

Second up, is Angel really to blame? More to blame than, say, Valentino? The victim is blaming himself for his victimhood, in order to deflect from the person who has put himself in that situation.

Episode four has one scene in it that is both my favourite and my least favourite, the one in which Charlie sets fire to the set.

This was a scene that made me reflect on the difference between something being good craft and something being enjoyable, as Valentino’s switch in tone when moving between Angel and Charlie is so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me pause the episode to sit back and take it in. It’s intentionally jarring, and it's not trying to present this character as benevolent.

What it is trying to do is present Valentino as seductive, someone who has two modes that he can switch between. Angel fell for the nice Valentino who got the gifts and was kind and charming and was blindsided by the more aggressive version of this character.

In other words, the highs were what he was drawn in by, the lows caught him off guard. Valentino is like a drug.

This truly is the opposite of Alice Cooper’s song. Where that personified the drug to give it agency, Angel dehumanises Valentino to place the agency on himself and take the blame.

“Because I know you’re poison, you’re feeding me poison. Addicted to this feeling I can’t help but swallow up your poison. I made my choice and every night I’m living like there’s no tomorrow.”

If we focus on the line I put in bold, there’s some similarity to another song, previously in the musical.

“Hell is forever, whether you like it or not. Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot”

The idea that choices are final and that everyone gets one chance that they must then commit to is a key antagonistic force in the series. The show is about hope, and the desire for things to get better, but Heaven and Angel say that if you make a decision, the rest of your life must be dedicated to the follow up of that.

If you got into a bad relationship, sucks to suck, you’re stuck there. If you got into a bind and had to do dark things to stay alive, sorry, no redoes.

There's a word for this: "Damnation".

Committing to the bit here is making the bit your entire deal. The theme is the dichotomy between change and stagnation, and every source of conflict comes from that one concept. It’s milking the joke for all its worth, but again, repurposed.

Although, there is one other advantage that comedians have in storytelling, an advantage I like to call the “What’s My Mother’s Name?” Moment.

Sam Riegel is a voice actor and a regular cast member on Critical Role. He is famous for being incredibly funny, but also for his relationship with humour. Several times across the series’ three campaigns, it has become clear that Riegel was being fully serious, and neither the audience not the cast saw it coming until far too late.

There’s an obvious example here but let’s get topical and talk about the latest episode of the series, as of writing this.

“He had a perspective and a goal and he laid it out very clearly. He wanted to get his family back and assume power. He did not set out to kill a city, to destroy a city. He wanted to get back with his family. The others prevented him. He gave them a choice to sit down at a table and they said, ‘No, we'd rather kill a city.’”

Riegel is playing Braius Doomseed, a minotaur champion of an evil deity, and in episode 102, there is a discussion of what has gone before. Braius starts to make a case for one of the villainous deities, and the rest of the cast assumes he’s just joking and committing to the bit. Instead, Reigel commits to the bit so thoroughly that he bypasses humour and plays it straight. This is someone genuinely making a case for the lord of the hells.

The question isn’t about when Reigel started beings serious because he’s always been that. The question, is “when did he stop being funny?”

Hazbin Hotel does this with Poison, and it causes the audience to reflect on what has gone before. All of Angels’s actions up to this point have now been recontextualised, and it's far too late to do anything about it. Angel has always been serious, the show has always been aware of this character as a damaged person, but now the lighting is different, and you aren’t shielded by the joke.

The punchline is the commitment to the bit.

Final Thoughts

I’ve seen a lot of praise online for this song, and while I agree that this song’s grip on you is unbreakable, I think that it gets outdone by the very next number.

I also want to point out why, in my opinion, episode four is the best in the series.

The show has a pacing problem, it’s in a hurry to tell its story because it’s had artificial constraints put upon it. But Masquerade takes its time and gives you a story without compromises and without outside input. In my eyes, this is a flawless episode of television.

Next week, we will stick with the episode, and look at Loser Baby, and how hope becomes triumph. Stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

[enlitment]

d'Alembert's Dream (and why you should read it)

I feel like I need to put my (very scattered) thoughts down.

Don't expect much academic value, the text absolutely deserves an in-depth analysis but it's currently so hot in Prague and my brain is just running off on iced coffee & vibes

it also a sort of continuation of this post which finally pushed me to start looking more into Diderot! (thanks to @frevandrest for kick-starting the interesting thread ✨)

Few gems (indiscreet jewels?) from d'Alambert's Dream in no particular order:

It reads like a philosophical dialogue between to equal partners one of whom is a woman

Another feminist brownie point for Denis? It does get a tad bit mainsplain-y at times, but not more than any texts that would be published in the 21st century.

The majority of the text is a dialogue is between a doctor and Mme l'Espinasse, who is consistently portrayed as curious and intelligent. She asks interesting questions, understands what the doctor is talking about almost immediately most of the times and she even comes up with one of the central allegories/metaphors (the spider one!) than then runs through the text.

It was honestly refreshing to read.

The doctor also tells a story about a woman overcoming her mental health issues with regular training and pure strength of will, all on her own! (I'm not saying it's realistic or that it's not often necessary to seek help but purely on the gender discussion level, you can see how a story like that grants women a lot of agency, right? Love to see it!)

2. The format is hilarious

So I've long held the opinion that it's a real shame that most contemporary philosophy feels very dry in comparison to past centuries when they just wrote some of their deepest thoughts in the most bizarre format imaginable.

This one follows a dialogue format that can be perhaps best described as 'I argued with my friend too hard about philosophy the night before and now he's having a weird nightmarish experience. Let's have this doctor record him talking in his sleep. Oh, and Mme. l'E is also there for some reason.'

(plus it canonically features d'Alambert in a sleeping robe and a night cap!!)

3. Not only not that sexist but also Gender™?

It's only one paragraph and of course, it's a product of it's time but still, it does talk about blurring the lines between the male and female biological sex in an interesting (though outdated) way. Don't let anyone convince you that discussions about gender are a 21st century invention!

4. I'd also lovingly describe the text as an 'epistemological discussion with palpable erotic tension', aka:

No honestly there's much more tension between the Doctor (a very obvious Diderot self-insert) and Mme l’Espinasse than in your average Netflix wannabe period drama.

It features gems such as:

a passage in which they discuss bodily sensations and the sense of touch in which the doctor proceeds to asks Mme. l'E about female orgasm. Or something very close to that. In a very hush-hush 1700s coded language kind of way, but still?

she also says something that the doctor deems to be really smart, after which he asks for a permission to hug her (weird. but yay for consent?), at which point d'Alambert wakes up, sees the two hugging and comments that it is 'very much like him to do something like that'

There's also links to mental health and interesting parallels between the text and my thesis! Also Voltaire mentions, because of course.

I read it in Czech but I should be able to look up the receipts... I mean textual evidence upon request if anyone happens to be interested!

[chaifootsteps]

(Long semi rant trying to dissect what the basis of stolitz bond is supposed to be)

Some time ago Viv liked fanart of Blitzø holding a broken gold chain round his neck tearfully saying “please don’t get rid of me” so she knows his reaction is Stockholm syndrome not love but she’s trying to sell it as love? Going by her “what are you doing here then?” Line from stolas, she thinks him crawling back and begging to be sexually abused again, means he is in love and wants stolas to be his boyfriend. Christ.

She’s really struggling to write their supposed connection. If it requires a tertiary character like Millie or Fizz to state it to us, that’s not enough. Millie made him mad, and Fizz was saying “well your jokes are so bad that anyone laughing at them proves how in love they are!” I mean cmon. That’s nothing. Everyone laughs at the jokes of a guy they want to fuck.

It’s never organic. Either someone purchases one of them to be owned by the other, or the person is forced against his will by some contrivance, to leave his home behind and get stuck with the other. Vivzie sees this force, coercion and transaction as the strings of fate connecting their pinkie fingers. Is she deranged?

I guess he blushed at stolas ugly human form and made weird faces during All 2 U, and even though she strongly established him as not wanting to have sex with stolas all throughout season 1 and the start of season 2, she’s trying to go back and tell us he actually did? The evidence being his photo on his phone, where the phone inexplicably hovered above then both without Blitzø holding it at all, and his confusing horny song at Full Moon. Sorry but no matter what I can’t unsee him as a rape victim who can’t accept anything else and is very hypersexual.

Stolas is a guilt-ridden rapist trying to overcome his lust and domesticate a prostitute his father bought him as a kid 25 years ago, who can’t fathom love and has severe mental health issues. The rapist then gaslights and devalues the prostitute in public shaming, until he sees the rapist as superior to him and accepts all abuse as deserved. He feels like he has to win his abuser back to prove his own worth. Then once the prostitute sees the rapist has an abusive wife, starts dating him like he always demanded. That’s her magnum opus.

I think she just can’t comprehend the psychology of someone who’s been forced to have sex with another person over and over. Gross as it is, you can become accustomed to it and try to find power in it. This is the psychology of sex trafficking. And in general, she doesn’t understand Blitzø at all. She can’t understand someone not loving stolas. She thinks that someone compartmentalising the trauma and forcing themselves to be into it, kindve a “fake it til you make it” type deal, she thinks that’s a sign someone is attracted, and falling in love. In that case I hope she stays away from victims who’ve become attached to their rapists. She would tell them they protest too much and need to grow up, stop letting their self hatred make them imagine abuse that’s totally not real and just assuming the worst, and settle down with them.

Sorry, take from this what you will, or don’t, it’s just my long winded dissection for anyone willing to read it.

No, it's a great dissection, thank you for sending it!

And the thing is, fictional Stockholm syndrome relationships are super fascinating in fiction; everyone likes them. If they'd just call Blitz and Stolas's relationship what it is and explore that to its full twisted potential, I don't think there'd be any complaints. I certainly wouldn't be objecting.

[liquidorcard]

You know, while we're on this topic, to the people who dismiss the idea that media is important in a very tangible way that deeply effects people's lives, let me tell you about the song Saint Veronika by Billy Talent.

Tw again: Discussion of suicide and suicidal ideation.

I'm fully aware Billy Talent is considered one of those 3edgy5me bands to people today. Tbh, I think a lot of people who dismiss entire musicians' bodies of work/genres are often fucking wrong and just irony poisoned when you dig a little deeper but that's besides the point-- for the sake of this point I'll just say, I don't give a fuck.

If this isn't your taste in music, if you don't connect with this because of how aggressively 2010s it is, I got no bones to pick with you. This was the shit I grew up listening to though, and I still love it even if my music tastes have expanded.

Now, to the point:

Picture this, it's 2010. You are a 13 year old deeply closeted AFAB trans kid attracted to women. You're three years any of privately coming out as a lesbian, five years away from openly identifying as one, and a full 12ish years away from transitioning. You live in a conservative hick town and you have good reason to believe if your parents found out, you would be disowned so you do everything to suppress those feelings. You have had a very traumatizing childhood, you live in a very unstable home. You're beginning to develop a chronic illness that will go untreated for 10 years, which causes you a LOT of pain. You have been an insomniac since you can remember, and have had concerningly few good night sleeps your whole life. You have had limited medical and no mental health treatment, to the point where you know asking for any is already off the table. However, have been told all your life by your formerly poor parents because of your upper-middle-class upbringing, any negative feelings you have are invalid and a sign of your laziness, and how spoiled you are. You have been told so often you must be faking your chronic pain, your fatigue, vomiting and migraines you've begun to wonder if you're just a big baby. They haven't even clued in yet that the reason why you're struggling with the switch to English from French schooling is because you're dyslexic and need glasses. In about a year's time you're going to begin developing an eating disorder. You've been bullied at school by students AND teachers since you were in grade 1. It's a good week if you've only cried once. You are ALREADY a year and a half roughly into stealing your parent's booze as quite literally the only resource you have access to to cope-- no fear that you'll be caught since they have such an absurd amount of it.

Now like, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. Honestly, people expressing sympathy when I talk about what my life is like makes me uncomfortable. I understand people mostly genuinely feel bad and don't know what else to say, but like, I'm not telling people about this so they feel bad, lol. No offense, but like, it happened to me not you, and I'm spent plenty of my own time feeling bad for me-- I'm kinda over it, mostly.

No, I'm saying all this to make a point: I feel wanting to die is a pretty reasonable response for a 13 year old to have in those circumstances. Like, what else am I going to do? I had be told all my life the issues I was having were me problems, I couldn't figure out how to overcome them. If I'm the problem, like. You know, that's the obvious solution, right? Obviously as an adult I recognize that's not the case, but. I was barely a teenager.

To give context to the time period, I went to Catholic school. They had JUST stopped teachers from casually saying that people who commit suicide go to hell-- to fucking children. Stay classy, Alberta Catholic School Board. Oh, while we're here by the way, not too long ago they forced all the teachers to take any pride or LGBTQ+ related iconography down and started implementing policies like teachers being forced to out kids to their parents or risk being fired. Policies that would have put MY well-being in danger if they were implemented when I was a kid.

Here's their publically available email and phone number. No reason, just, if you're looking for a place to express your feelings on adults using their positions of authority to endanger children, or for a place to spam your dankest memes. I'm sure they'd love that:

E: http://acsta.ab.ca

T: (780) 484-6209

But, anyway, the new """progressive""" approach was to basically say just, "killing yourself is never the answer. Think of everything you have to live for." Literally, "Aha, don't kill yourself, your so sexy," before it was cool. 10/10 counciling. We had two suicides when I was in high-school, and countless other attempts.

What we have now isn't even that much better. What the fuck IS a teenager supposed to do with, "mental health is important, let's talk about it" but find out a lot of people are just as miserable as them? Which, finally, brings us back to this song . . .

"She was sick and tired of being invisible, Hard to see in color when you’re miserable,"

What is this I see!? Actual validation of negative emotions, articulated shockingly efficiently in a fucking song lyric?

"Veronika, Saint Veronika, You can't leave this world behind, So be strong enough to hold onto us, We're still right here by your side,

I know people kind of reflexively cringe when people say this or that piece of media saved their life. And, if it must be said, it's kind of fucked up that ANYONE has to get therapy from something like an emo-agacent rock band-- that's not supposed to be their fucking job. However, I can't articulate how much this meant to me when this song came out. "This IS as shit as it feels, but find the strength to hold on," managed to be just enough for me to survive until adulthood and get real mental health help. For me to tell my parents and be taken to the hospital after my first attempt at 16. Reframing it from "your life is precious" even though all perceived evidence was to the contrary for me and many other kids especially, to "find the resolve to keep going, you aren't as alone as you think."

"Always said her life was never meant to be, Stuck here living someone else's dream, Well beyond your window there is so much more, Even every prison has a open door,"

Though I'm a little jaded to some extent to the "it gets better" narrative, that was a more fresh idea at the time, and it is good to try and inspire hope in people going through suicidal ideation. It just can't be the be all, end all of the discussion.

Regardless, this verse articulates the emotional displacement of suicidal ideation really well. Especially for a kid stuck in a bad environment like I was.

"And while the angels sleep, All of the devils are awake, Waiting to steal your love, Right outside of Heaven's gate, And all the sacred hearts, Can't numb the feeling from the pain, Cause when the drugs don't work, You're gonna curse his holy name,"

To this day, nothing has captured my personal experience with suffering with suicidal ideation more than this bridge. Especially as someone raised Catholic. The metaphor of devils stealing your fundamental ability to love and be loved, to have meaningful bonds, just agapnizingly out of reach of safety and comfort. Because the systems supposedly there to protect your very "soul" aren't paying attention.

The Sacred Heart is the concept of God's divine love for humanity in the Catholic faith. The thing that is supposed to make you feel whole, complete and fulfilled. But, it's nothing. It's a sugar pill. It's symbolic of all the non-solutions presented to you to hand-wave away the problem without dealing with it. So you curse life itself, you reject the divinity of your own existence.

The music video is notably, pretty impressively tasteful too. Especially for the time. Yes it's visuals are also a little 2010s, but compared to trash fires like 13 Reasons Why that came out five or six years later. It threads the needle of using visual metaphor to communicate the pain, validate it, without glorifying suicide-- in my opinion.

Simple but effective: Doll girl unravels the more isolated she becomes, until it takes her life. It accurately depicts the act of suicide as a desperate attempt at ESCAPING from agony, not the solution. It manages to get the idea across while not showing any real life method itself. Genuinely, an extremely thoughtful exploration of the topic.

I don't know for sure if I'd be here today to write this post without this song but . . . There's 100% a chance. Real, accessible mental health care is what we really need, but in the mean time this is all some of us have. Especially minors.

Media matters.