#honestly i think id be in a much better place mentally/emotionally if id never developed empathy

[that-jack-kline-bestie]

.

[tripping-on-assid]

6418

So I want to come back to this every once in a while because I think it’s great to document my life and things that are important to me. So I’ve been talking about usually what has been going on with my life, but I haven’t really talked about the shit I think about. One things I love about the Tumblr platform is the fact that everything is organized in such an elegant manner that you can really express yourself as an individual. So I would like to do that. I might start doing that, using this account as a place to put my pictures, music taste (even though I already HAD a blog for that), photos I find interesting, music reviews...I don’t know. I just really want a place secluded from everyone I know and have a place to reallllly retreat from. Anyways, one thing that has been going on for the past few weeks is that I’ve been really focusing on becoming a better person. Legit. And it’s honestly working out pretty fucking well. I think I dabbled in this concept in my last post but, I think it all started with finally picking up and trying to learn the guitar. I bought a Yousician account to learn the guitar and I’ve been kicking ASS on it. It is a very good app for beginners, and I know like 5 chords already, so that’s very cool. Unfortunately, I lost my debit card again and had to cancel my subscription for the time being so I haven’t really been guitaring lately, however I have been Jordan Petersoning, and I don’t know...I just really love that man. I told you I had a remarkable acid trip on my last post I believe, I took about 350 mics while watching Jordan Peterson’s 4th lecture in his biblical series “Adam and Eve and the emergence of consciousness”...absolutely astounding. One of the best trips I’ve ever had. Come up was clean. I remember just being very calm and confident on the comeup, I was also not really hallucinating, it was much more of a mind-fuckedupness rather than much visuals. Granted I know if I focused on the visuals more and not my thoughts, I knew I could’ve had a much more visually enhancing experience, which may have been better for me, to go with the flow, however, I had an aim that this trip I wanted to sort out my life, and wow did I... during one part of the trip I told journey how much I loved psychedelics and the reason for that was because it changed my mind on a lot of things. It got real deep dawg.

Journey kept interrogating me on why I loved psychedelics to the point where I think Sigmund Freud would be proud of the therapy progress me and Journey made that night. I broke down crying and actually think I had some childhood regression shit go on because I was hunched over and started saying “sorry sorry sorry Im sorry” to journey when I started crying. It felt like she was going to beat me up. And like holy shit, that was such an eye opener...because i dont know, I always felt very feminine, and I think i still am very feminine. Mainly because I never had a stable father figure in my life..my dad was addicted to pain killers (even though he was the greatest dad aside from his addiction), my ex stepdad (during my childhood) was paranoid, bulimic, and a tyrannical son of a bitch who exploited and emotionally abused me and my mom for quite a while. HE certainly played a major part of my regression since I always felt so...useless around him. Then my mom’s ex boyfriend just never really tried to get close to me. Not only that but because my mom was my main caretaker, she never really let me try a lot of masculine things. I was interested in Karate and she never let me went cuz she was scared I would get injured. I wanted to play football but I had to substitute for flag football. I just never really had much expression for my masculinity...and that fucked me up physically and mentally. Not to mention it made me very susceptible to bullying, which Id like to say I was apart of from like, 4th to 7th grade. Mannnn, that shit was rough. Shit is getting me very depressed that I found all that out but, hey, that was one of the biggest things I learned on that trip. And that analysis really made me look into myself much deeper in a lot of aspects, but not only that, but I’ve been trying to better myself with telling the truth, and trying to live the best life I can.

That trip was very profound and led me to really getting into Jordan Peterson’s biblical lectures much more. Im currently on #10 out of 15 and they have been nothing but beneficial and so intriguing. The way he sets out the bible with his speech is astounding, and has led me to trying to “develop a relationship with god” which is an abstract ideal rather than something literal. And I’d like to clarify if ANYONE aside from me decides to ever read this is that I do NOT subscribe to a religion, though Jordan’s lectures were on the bible, I certainly believe that if there is a metaphysical reality out there, it is much more richer, diverse, and greater than any religion can try to conceive wtf is going on. Either way, I would say that I am spiritual. Nonetheless, this thing of “developing a relationship with god” has really been working out for me. I found out that two of my coworkers at chickfila also like Jordan Peterson and are also very intelligent and open minded as well. And thEYD LIKE TO BE MY FRIENDS! dude thats so cool. But aside from that, me and journey are doing great, and Im falling in love with her more and more everyday. Idk, Im tired of writing and dont know much to write about, soooo till next time tumblaaa