#honestly every single worry i had when they announced the old new guy have been validated Months before

[ssaalexblake]

and not to be all like ‘and Another thing’ but assuming this dw casting bullshit is the result of a clusterfuck of moronic behaviour without malice when the way it played out was; 

A) announce the casting of a black man playing the next doctor, get praise for diversity.

B) seven days later announce return of former doctor, white man. Refrain from explaining what the hell is going on for Months. Allow people to assume he is reprising his old role for the anniversary event. 

C) Months later having the previous doctor inexplicably regenerate into said previous white man, state in press afterwards that actually He’s the next canonical doctor. Not the guy we told you we hired and let you praise us for casting bc diversity. 

is generous as hell. 

This could very easily be read as them wanting clout for hiring Gatwa for the job but not actually wanting to go through with it, and only letting people know months after the fact so they don’t get slammed for it because it’s out of people’s minds now as it’s been so long. A bunch of people don’t even seem to be aware they announced somebody pre DT now? 

the assumption of benevolent incompetence at this situation is being very kind. They announce gatwa as the next doctor, 7 days later said ten/nant is back, proving this was all set in stone already, but Conveniently wait months to let us know he’s actually back as the Next doctor, not as ten, blatantly showing that they effectively lied? That sounds far more like a deliberate attempt to get clout for diversity without following through on it, but not wanting to get shit for it like how they would have if they just told the truth with that original announcement of his return that happened, again, a single week after the og announcement. 

I mean, do i believe they’re this incompetent and clueless to do this without Realising what they did? Yeah but... If they did that by accident it doesn’t bode well for what’s going to happen in the future both on screen and behind it. 

The fact that tennant and tate have gotten a ton of press and the new white blonde lady got a live stage companion introduction when the doctor she’s acting against got a footnote of an announcement, and then immediately overshadowed in 7 days, is also an omen i’ve personally decided to take notice of. I remember people commenting saying Whittaker’s intro was lacklustre because Capaldi got a whole ass live tv show and she just got a tiny pre-recorded video, and that it looked bad considering the circumstances. Turns out she was doing fine, actually! Could be worse!  

The bbc (and disney, i guess) have openly demonstrated their willingness to place the white cast members front and center, and how they will Casually shove everybody else in the background as a footnote like they barely exist (even if they’re legit playing the titular character) because apparently they don’t think they can sell the show enough. I even had some person on my post suggesting this was a good strategy to sell the show and effectively trick people to watch it before Gatwa, so it has Not passed people by that this is happening, and apparently they openly don’t care if it spikes viewing figures. 

All i’m saying is, i am Not taking it for granted that this was a big accident that makes them look bad. It could equally be read as deliberately malevolent. Both of these things are bad though. 

[martuzzio]

The idea of Ren joining the Amputees-Only club sounds so bittersweet... cuz before he knew they were having fun, but also knew that they were allowed to have a bond like that. He never expected to join them.

I can honestly imagine in his first few meetings there's a few times where Ren just cries, poor guy...

Rendog's first Amputee's Only Club Meeting (written under the cut because this one is longer than normal)

Despite what the universe seems to think, Doc is a pretty easygoing guy. Yes, he does look scary as hell and yes, he was a mob boss at one point, but that doesn’t mean he’s a violent person. Well, he’s violent when he needs to be, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys it. In reality, his favorite moments are all from quiet parts of his normal, boring, daily life as a hermit.

In these everyday moments, Doc likes to process things. He likes to sit in the greenhouse and watch the bio bees work alongside the robot bees. He likes to brush his fingers on the plants and let his half-robotic brain process the data into something that resembles touch. He likes to listen to Grian and Etho chat as they work.

He observes small moments like these because that’s all he really does. He takes in data and processes it. He uses the processed information to judge his surroundings and react accordingly. Sometimes this means that he uses his data to laugh at his friends who make dumb jokes. But sometimes he uses the data to run, hide, or fight back. When all you do is process data to keep yourself alive, it becomes very hard to ignore incoming information.

This is how Doc eventually locates Ren. He wasn’t planning on finding where his longtime friend wheeled off to, much less go searching for him, but Doc unfortunately decided to take a more leisurely route to the bridge and his camera eye caught the slight movement anyway. Doc has to give it to him; the man knows how to hide. The werewolf is in a lesser-used community room, curled into a dusty couch that’s been shoved into the corner. The chrome wheels of his temporary mobility aid reflect off of the window overlooking deep space. Ren has his left leg drawn up to this chest. His stump of a right leg rests on the couch cushion, shunned. Ren’s obviously hid because he doesn’t want to be found, but unluckily for him, Doc was specifically altered to notice things.

Ren’s flinch when Doc claps his hand on his shoulder is almost unnoticeable. Ren looks like he’s either been crying or had a bad allergic reaction to the dust. Doc assumes the former.

“Cub was working on your new parts earlier today. They look pretty sick,” he ventures.

Ren looks like he has the entire universe on his shoulders. “That’s wonderful,” he mumbles. He opens his mouth as if to say more, but instead sighs and slides his eyes shut.

Doc plops down on the couch and slings his arm over the back of the rest. The action makes Ren recoil again, this time more visibly, and Doc pointedly ignores it. Instead, he says, “As much as I want you to come see what Cub is making, you will go to him when you feel like it. There is nothing you need to do right now besides heal.”

Ren barks out a wet laugh. “Bro, I appreciate you so much, but how can stumps heal?”

Doc’s cybernetic hand twitches in sympathy. “You know what I mean, man, and we both know it.” Doc replies. He looks down at the sliver of space between his leg and Ren’s and chews his words. Ren shifts his gaze to Doc’s arm, then to gaze directly at the creeper’s face.

Doc feels uncomfortable in a way he’s never felt before. All of the other amputee hermits were already amputees when they joined the crew. They had time to heal, be angry, and let go in their own ways. He did, too. But now, with Ren sitting next to him, suffering through the same kind of anguish Doc felt when he first woke up from being operated on, Doc suddenly doesn’t know how to act. How do you comfort someone who literally lost a third of their body? As much as Doc knows what that feels like and as much as he wants to help his friend, he might not be able to. He might not ever be able to.

It’s the single most heartbreaking thing that Doc’s realized in a long, long time.

This revelation causes the duo to sit in silence for a long while. Then, Doc gets an idea. His eye shifts to look at his friend. Ren narrows his eyes tiredly but waits anyway.

“The Amputees-Only Club meeting is in a few minutes.” Doc murmurs. Ren is silent, but he plows on. “I think you should come,” he pleads. “I think everyone would be very happy to see you.”

Ren’s throat clicks as he swallows. “I’m sure they would.”

“I would be very happy to see you.”

Ren’s eyelids squeeze together. “I know you would.”

“Then let’s go,” Doc insists as he pushes himself to his feet. He turns around and smiles as much as he can at his friend, still curled up on the couch. Ren gazes exhaustedly back. “I think it would be a good idea.” He wishes his smile weren’t so frightening.

Ren moves to rub his eyes with his hands but remembers he’s missing one of his arms a little too late. The resulting crumpled expression immediately burns into Doc’s deep storage memory. “I don’t know, Doc.” The werewolf manages after a long moment. “I appreciate you trying to help, but…”

Doc understands. Of course he does. When he first joined the hermits, the idea of a weekly club meeting exclusively for amputees sounded farfetched at best and belittling at worst. Hell, he didn’t even think there were enough amputees on the team to warrant a club. Imagine his surprise when three other people showed up to his first session, all excited he was there to hang out with them.

With this in mind, all he can do is repeat, “I think it would be a good idea.”

Ren stares up at him, and in that moment, he looks as old as Xisuma. But then he gently closes his eyes, inhales slowly and shallowly, and motions for Doc to drag his mobility aid closer. Doc complies immediately.

The journey to the meeting room, like every other journey on the Hermit Craft, is long. It’s made even longer because of Ren’s inexperience with his aid, but Doc doesn’t dare to offer his help. They eventually end up in front of the elevator that Doc remotely called beforehand with his brain chip. When the doors open, Doc lets Ren wheel in first.

Ren is silent in the elevator. Doc tries to catch his expression, but his friend’s unruly hair blocks his vision. “We’re playing cards tonight.” He mentions.

“That’s what you do at every Amputee-Only Club meeting.”

Doc shifts his eye back to the elevator door. “…Correct.”

Ren doesn’t reply.

When the duo finally reaches the Club meeting room, Doc pauses outside for a moment instead of directing his brain to open the door like normal. He glances down at Ren again and murmurs, “if you don’t want to go back, or to your room or something, that’s—”

“It’s fine,” Ren interrupts. He sounds defeated. “We walked all the way here, so we may as well go.”

Doc activates the door without another thought.

The door slides open and reveals the club room. It’s small, smaller than the average community space on the Hermit Craft, but it feels warm. The soft yellow color painted on the walls matches pleasantly with the yellow of the couch cushions. Joe definitely was the one to orchestrate that. There’s a small kitchenette in the corner that’s set up to have nice views of outer space. Various game tables fill the rest of the room, a few surrounded by five chairs. Doc wonders if Ren will notice the new chair addition. Maybe he already had.

The most interesting part of the space, though, is the people within it. TFC is bundled up on the couch, snoring pleasantly and covered in at least ten blankets. His usual plate of cookies is already half eaten. Iskall is standing at the kitchen counter, fiddling with a teacup filled with a mysterious bright pink liquid. His outfit has a few suspicious-looking singe marks at the hem. Finally, Scar is sat at the poker table in the middle of the room, crossed legs resting on an adjacent chair. He’s sorting through a pile of yellow and orange chips. To Doc’s continued wonder, the stack of bright blue cards resting near Scar’s elbow have miraculously not been knocked onto the floor yet.

When the doors open, Scar and Iskall look over. Ren immediately shifts at Doc’s elbow. Doc waits a moment to let Ren speak if he wants to, but when his shorter friend remains silent, he clears his throat in a grinding noise and announces, unnecessarily, “We’re here.”

Scar is so excited that his eyes have turned into little slivers of green. “Ren, I’m so happy you decided to tag along!” He kicks one of the chairs out from the table and clonks his foot on it for emphasis. The blue cards wobble on the edge of the table but still refuse to fall. “Sit down! Iskall can get you something to drink. Have you ever played poker?” He leans forward with the question. “It’s difficult, but I think it’s fun!”

“Uh, I haven’t.” Ren replies awkwardly, still at the door alongside Doc. “I’ve never even heard of it before.”

“Yeah, I would be surprised if you knew about it. It’s one of those old-timey games from TFC’s era.” Iskall says from across the room. He is now by the couch and is gently patting TFC’s fluffy hair to wake him. “Don’t worry that you don’t know. We’ll teach you.”

Ren tries and fails to make a pointed noise of interest, but he still seems intrigued. Doc feels the knot in his chest loosen a little. He rolls his shoulders to relieve some tension and moves to sit down. By the time he turns his head to look back, Ren is already wheeling forward to join him but looks lost as to where he should sit.

“Howdy, Ren. Sit next to me so I can teach you, but I’ll only teach if you’re willing to listen.” TFC, now awake, grumbles good-naturedly as he heaves himself off the couch. With his large frame still wrapped in a dozen blankets, he looks like a huge bear compared to Iskall. Which is impressive, Doc thinks, since Iskall is nowhere near frail. TFC’s metal prosthetic clonks on the floor as he walks over to the poker table. As he sits down across from Scar, he says, “There’s no point in just sitting there and gawking at us. Grab a seat.” He uses his leg to nudge the chair to his left.

Ren blinks and maneuvers his aid to let him sit down next to the astronaut. TFC procures a blanket from his pile and offers one to him. Ren, after slowly settling in his chair, accepts the pink fuzzy blanket. Doc accepts a purple one.

TFC lances over to Ren as he saves the blue cards from the edge of the table. “Poker’s good fun. You’ll get it in no time.” He snorts and flicks his gaze to Scar, who is busy stacking the chips into a pyramid. “This one always makes sure we have a great, long game.”

Scar looks up and winces minutely in a false apology. “Sorry about that.”

TFC chuckles. “Boy, I’ve never had better games than when I play with you.”

Scar’s grin almost sparkles. TFC and Doc grin back and Iskall hides his laugh in his shoulder.

“Anyway, ready for your first game with us amputees?” TFC brings the conversation back to Ren, who suddenly looks a lot more uncomfortable.

“I,” he begins, his eyes flicking to TFC, then Doc, before looking down. “I, well, uh…”

The table is silent. Iskall is staring at the table with his hands in his lap. TFC sighs and begins shuffling the cards. Doc, as much as he wants to clear the air somehow, can’t seem to find a way to do so. Scar just looks sad. He looks right at Ren, almost through him.

Ren stares back, eyes wide.

“You don’t want to be here.” Scar says quietly, finally. It’s not a question. Ren’s choked response makes the ex-convex smile slightly. “You can say so, Ren. You’re not going to hurt our feelings. None of us want to be here. But, as much as we may want to, we can’t change what happened to us.” He falls silent again as he looks at a particularly twisted scar on the back of his left hand. He rubs at it harshly with the pad of his thumb before Iskall stops him. “This might be selfish,” Scar continues, softly, “but I’m happy that I at least don’t have to sit in here alone.”

For a long moment, the table is silent. Then, with a rush of noise, Ren makes a sound like he’s dying. In a certain way, Doc thinks, he is.

“I don’t want to be here,” Ren confesses as his open mouth contorts and tears roll down his face. “I don’t want to be here.”

All Doc can do is wrap his arms around everyone else, encasing Ren and his other amputee friends in his embrace, and wish he could do more.

[thebadbatch]

saw your requests were open so i’d like to request something!

The bad batch comforting and defending a nonbinary reader who keeps getting misgendered? this is a super self-indulgent ask sorry

A /N: Thank you for your request! I loved writing this one because honestly being misgendered sucks and the Bad Batch Protecting you is the best thing! I hope this is what you were looking for! :3

The Bad Batch x Gn!Reader

Plot: During a supply run, a vendor keeps misgendering you on purpose to upset you. The Bad batch do not take kindly to this.

Warnings: Being misgendered

--------------------

Everything to us.

Stretching your arms out above your head, you took a deep breath inward of fresh air - exhaling with a smile. It had been awhile since you all actually managed to catch a break, no more missions or supply runs for the day just time with the boys which you were thrilled about. Grinning lightly you turned to face Echo who was stretching his arm out like you had been.

"Tired there, Echo?" You asked with a smile against his face as he yawned, placing his hand upon your head. 

"A little.." He breathed, chuckling at you. "Fresh air is new to me at this point." Laughing lightly at his response, you walked furtherly down the ramp allowing your eyes to trail across the town that stood before you. Buildings stood tall and you knew it was packed with people, the sound of people's conversations being carried toward you with the wind. 

"Right!" Hunter announced, bringing the rest of the batch over to you both ensuring you were all listening. "We're all sticking together. I don't want anybody separating, that only causes trouble." Your mind threw you back into the last time you all split up, it was chaos as each individual group got caught up in some kind of fight which Hunter was trying to avoid. Wrecker laughed, smacking Hunters back in a playful way which pushed him forward.

"There's nothing like a good old fight!" Crosshair rolled his eyes at that, moving to stand beside you and Echo, away from the chaos. Hunter just sighed as he turned toward Tech who was already completely entranced by his datapad. 

"Tech, are there any good places for us to check out first?" Without gazing up from his datapad, he nodded lightly and drew in a breath.

"Yes, I do highly suggest the current market they have due to a wide variety of items that should satisfy everybody's interests." You smiled brightly as you wondered if there would be any items you could finally spend your credits on. Maybe you could finally fuel one or two of your hobbies! 

You lightly grabbed Echos prostatic, which he had grown, not minding you doing so, he found it sweet. As well as grabbing Crosshair's hand you ushered them all along into the town to go and see the market, for once excitement and guy were the only emotions running through you. 

"Let's go!" You beamed, stepping into the town and allowing the scent of a different variety of foods to hit your senses. You knew the others got the same hit of the scents as Wreckers stomach rumbled whilst Hunter just rubbed his head, already feeling a little overstimulated. Humming lightly, Tech gently pushed through and guided you all to the marketplace that every single one of you were curious to see. With a light gasp, your eyes trailed across the dozens of stalls that lined the busy street. 

"Anything you want to see first?" Echo asked, smiling at your bright eyes and shocked expression. Continuing to let your eyes trail across the stalls, they fell upon one that was filled with a variety of colours and an array of sweets. 

"There!" You called, pulling everybody along, usually Crosshair would be playing his usual tough guy act but in all honesty your joy made him push it aside and have a good time. Arriving at the stall, you finally let go of their hands and began to look at the treats laid out, smiling as you thought to buy a packet of the treats for each of the boys, picking the colours you felt were most appropriate for each member. The Bad Batch stood behind you, having their own little conversation as you picked them out. 

"How much for all these?" You asked, a smile against your face as the vendor stared at you, eyes narrowing.

"It depends." He responded, "Can you really buy this many, boy?" Rolling your eyes you  stared at the man before you.

"I'm not a boy and I can afford these - just name the price." You sighed lightly, used to people just assuming your gender but it still always ruined your day. How hard was it to apologise and ask?

"Oh, girl then." He responded, watching as your face fell into anger. "Fifty credits for the lot." Handing the credits over, you held the sweets in your arms.

"I'm not a girl either." You argued as he put the credits away before sitting in his chair again. The smirk soon fell from against his face as it rapidly turned into fear, the five men behind you glaring daggers into his eyes.

"I believe you should apologise to them and correct yourself, don't you?" Hunter snarled, hands against the side with his brothers at his side keeping you beside him.

"And what if I don't?" The man questioned which  simultaneously led Echo to jerk forward making him flinch which made you chuckle a little. Crosshair smirked as he spoke,

"Trust us when we say we're the least of your worries, they'll slaughter you if we give them the all clear." The man's eyes flicked toward your angry looking eyes, sick to death of people disregarding you as a person - he deserved this. Wrecker grinned, punching his fists together as he laughed,

"That would be fun to watch!" Tech stepped forward, holding his datapad to the side,

"I highly suggest you do as Hunter said, the odds are most certainly not in your favour."  The man stood shaking and nodding frantically, facing you.

"Uhm i'm sorry-"

"Y/n." You corrected, smiling at the man before you.

"Y/n, I'm sorry." He turned toward the rest of the batch with a sheepish gaze, checking to see if that was all.

"You owe them the rest of their Credits back." Tech spoke, a little angry as the man fumbled in his bag and returned thirty credits to you.

"Oh yes here, they paid too much - sorry." 

With that, you all walked away getting to a quieter spot before sharing a light laugh. 

"Thank you all for helping." You were grateful for their help, not to mention happy at the display that occured. Softly grabbing individual packets of sweets, you began handing them out to each of them along with a gentle hug. "But we can't keep doing that every time somebody misgenders me purposely. Hunter gazed at you after he shared his hug with you, smiling softly at the sweets you had picked out for them all.

"Y/n we'll do this every time - you don't deserve to be treated like you don't matter."  Echo spoke as Wrecker hugged you, Tech eagerly waiting for his own.

"You deserve basic respect, y/n and we are about you and we'll argue with every idiot in the galaxy who disagrees." Tech's words were sweet as you gave him his hug and packet of sweets with a smile.

"You mean everything to us."

[xxdragonwriterxx]

🔥You Are Human, And Damn It, You Are An Important One!🔥

A/N: Hey everyone! I’m back! It looks like my tags finally decided to sort themselves out so I wanted to (finally) post a new story! I’m still working on requests though, so don’t worry, those are coming soon! I just wanted to post this in the mean time while I edit those and test if my tags are really fixed on one of my originals so that any requested fics will actually be seen later should an error occur. Thank you so much for your continued support and patience, you guys are so amazing! I hope this makes up for my temporary hiatus! This one actually has a bit of a heavier tone to it but I think I’m finally happy with it! Thanks again for the support, and don’t be afraid to talk to me! Shoot me a message or just spew random bullshit and I’ll still respond 😂. Enjoy!

(Warning: themes of non-con & abuse. This is set in a brothel, but there’s nothing explicit, it’s just mentioned or implied. Just wanted to put it out there! Viewer discretion advised!)

🐉Song Recommendation: “The Gardener” By: Sarah Sparks 🐉

Word Count: ~7k

~~~

It was that time of year. The time of year that Levi hated the most. The Underground Market Festival. It was the time of year in which merchants from all around would come down to the Underground City, away from the prying eyes of the Military Police, and sell anything and everything to the nobles who weren’t exactly looking for orthodox materials. The normally filthy, mostly empty streets would be filled with members of the wealthy, dripping in jewelry, cash, and lavish clothing as they paraded around the sorry excuse for a city, boasting of their wealth and privilege as they bought enough food and luxurious goods to feed three times the number of people in the Underground while sharing none of it.

The days were starting to blur together. Levi honestly couldn’t tell if it had been a day, a week, or a month as the drugs in his system continued to work just like the brothel owners wanted them to, rendering him practically inoperative and perfect for use. His head pounded, swimming with confused thoughts. His gaze was unfocused, warped, and his whole body felt suffocatingly hot despite his lack of cover, his legs shifting as his body instinctively searched for a relief he didn’t even want. But that was exactly how they wanted him.

The sound of his door being unlocked made him look up slowly, his eyes taking a few seconds to fully focus on the man standing in the entrance of his room, a wide, malicious grin on his face. Levi couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose in disgust. The man smelled of sweat and stale alcohol, and his unkempt appearance made Levi itch, even when drugged out of his mind.

“Oh, Levi…” the man cooed, making Levi shudder. “I have another customer for you.”

Even though Levi had been through this time and time again, even though he had been trapped in his filthy room since he was caught stealing from a merchant friend of the brothel owner at age twenty, even though the drugs in his system were making his body scream for what this new customer could give him, he still couldn’t help the wave of dread that washed through him, the fear. Levi didn’t fear much, having grown up on the streets of the Underground alone since he was abandoned by Kenny at the age of ten, but this? This he was scared of.

He thought back to the wretched old man that had abandoned him as a small child and wondered what he would think of him now. Would he be disgusted? Unsurprised? Angry? Not that it mattered. Levi knew he would never see him again. But even so, his brain couldn’t help itself from going down those roads, asking questions of “what if?” no matter how many times he reminded himself that it didn’t matter. He was just some bastard thug turned whore in the Underground. Nobody was going to even remember him, let alone care about who he was or who he may be in the future.

Levi was once again brought out of his daze when the pig in the doorway moved to the side, letting a noble woman saunter into the room. She had a wicked grin on her face as she approached him, ignoring the brothel owner as he slammed the door shut behind her, giving them some privacy. She was covered in glittering jewelry, and although the dress she wore was extravagant, it was very tight fitting and low cut, barely considered decent, her large breasts one breath away from spilling out over the top. Her hair was pinned up in a lavish braided style, twisting and coiling tightly, and held together with real gold pins that Levi knew must’ve cost a fortune.

“~Well, hello sexy,” the woman purred as she approached the raven-haired man.

Levi had to force himself not to grimace, even with the effect of the drugs, when she slithered her way over his thighs, her hands reaching up to cup his face. The smell of whatever custard perfume she had on was overwhelming, making his eyes water and his throat close up. Her hands felt clammy from all of the lotions and creams she had slathered over her skin to make it look shinier, making them feel like dead fish rubbing against his cheeks.

“Well? Aren’t you going to ask my name?” The woman demanded in a sickly sweet voice, making Levi close his eyes in barely suppressed agony.

“What is your name?” Levi asked in a low voice. He felt the woman preen above him at the sound of his voice, knowing she thought his deep tone was for setting the mood rather than the effect of his despair.

“My name is Lady Clarissa! What’s your name, hmmm?”

“Levi,” He said quietly.

“Oooh, Leevviiii, I like that,” Lady Clarissa practically moaned. “Say, Levi, you were quite expensive. That must mean you're really good at what you do. I can already tell that you fulfill my personal tastes in terms of appearance, so why don’t you convince me of the rest and give me a good time. Don’t make me regret spending my good money on you. Don’t make me punish you.”

Levi gritted his teeth when she ground her hips into him, trying his hardest not to fight back. He knew it would be difficult, the drugs making his movements and mental processes much slower, but at that moment, all he wanted to do was shove her off of him. Swallowing the bile in his throat, Levi reached for her as she leaned down to force her tongue into his mouth.

It was that time of year. The time of year that (Y/N) hated the most. The Underground Market Festival. It took everything in her to avoid groaning in annoyance as the people she was expected to call her friends dragged her down into the filthy Underground City for a day of “fun”. (Y/N) would much rather be back at home, reading a book in the library, or relaxing with the horses in the barn, or secretly practicing her sword fighting skills with the guards of their estate. But her father had forced her to go when her friends had shown up at the house, begging for her to come with them. He claimed she needed to get her priorities straight and actually present herself, show the honor and pride that came with being part of the (L/N) family. (Y/N) thought there was very little honor and pride in parading their wealth around like they owned the world, especially in front of people who constantly struggled to survive on a daily basis.

(Y/N) walked slowly down the worn cobblestone streets, suppressing the urge to gag at the sight of other nobles walking around, looking and acting as if they were rulers of the walls. She barely looked at anything, only stopping to occasionally buy food when she noticed the hungry children hanging around, looking for a scrap to steal. She could tell they were wary of her, but she never stopped trying, always offering them the food in some way, even if it meant leaving it in a secluded space for them to find later.

Her friends constantly tried to get her to engage, running up to her with crystal jewelry, silk clothing, and delectable foods, attempting to entice her, only to get pushed away. (Y/N) wanted no part in any of it. Even her attire spoke volumes about how little she wanted to be there. She knew that to the people of the Underground, the dress she wore would be considered something of utmost value, but when compared to the nobles around her, she looked underdressed and plain. She wore nothing more than a subtle red dress covered with a black leather jacket, paired with black combat boots and matching gloves, no jewelry to be found except for the simple white earrings she wore in her lobes.

Her father had been less than pleased with her appearance, but stopped arguing when she announced she was leaving, the lord just happy she had at least agreed to go to the festival. She knew he was disappointed in her, annoyed that she wasn’t like the other noble ladies who loved to flaunt their luxurious lifestyles and bend to the every whim of the lords around them, looking to marry early for money and power. (Y/N) wouldn’t be surprised if the entire reason her father wanted her here was so she could possibly win over the affections of a single lord milling about, one that was rich and influential. It was for that possibility alone that (Y/N) had originally thought to wear something that made her look underdressed, having to swallow the bile that rose in her throat at the prospect of catching some snobby noble’s attention.

“Yeah, her name is (Y/N)! She’s the one right over there, I think she could use a good time.”

(Y/N)’s head snapped up when she heard her name, her eyes shooting over to where her friends were standing in a group in front of a large building. All of them were looking at her, covering their faces with their hands to hide their giggles. Dread filled her to the brim when she saw the sign in front of the building, her face paling in horror.

“That one, eh? I think we can arrange something like that,” the brothel owner said, a smug smile on his lips as he stared at her, his grin only widening as her cheeks flushed a brilliant red. “Don’t worry, I’ve got one in particular that could give you a good ride. He’s expensive since he’s my most popular, but he’s worth it.”

(Y/N) opened her mouth to argue, her cheeks on fire as her brain fought to think of something, anything to get her out of this situation. She didn’t want to fuck some random stranger for no reason, but she especially didn’t want to have sex in a brothel. She found them vulgar, repulsive, and horrible. The way they treated their “workers” was appalling. Just as the words finally reached the tip of her tongue, one of the girls she had come to the festival with cut off her impending argument.

“Damn, I’m jealous! If he’s that good I’m almost tempted to take him myself. But she needs this. She hasn’t loosened up the entire time we’ve been here and I think this might help. She’ll take him.”

The greasy man smiled and wrote her name down, happily accepting the roll of cash her friend handed him before getting up, supposedly to let the man know that he had another customer on the way. (Y/N) tried to escape when she could, but her friends rushed up and caught her before she could slip into the shadows, dragging her over to the brothel and shoving her towards an open door where the brothel owner stood, a creepy smile still plastered on his face.

“Guys! I don’t want this!” (Y/N) whispered frantically as she was dragged towards her doom.

“It doesn’t matter if you want it or not, you need it!” One of her friends said with a laugh. “Besides, you’re going to have a fun time. Don’t make us regret spending that money for you!”

(Y/N) was practically thrown into the room, stumbling as she fought to catch her balance, before the door was slammed shut behind her, the loud sound of the lock being latched reverberating around the room with the finality of a death toll. Huffing in anger, (Y/N) stood and brushed herself off, smoothing out her dress and straightening back up to her full height, fighting off the panic slithering up her spine.

A low groan of pain coming from behind her made her whirl around in surprise, her eyes landing on a shorter, pale skinned man with stunning silver eyes and raven black hair. Gods he looked pathetic. She could definitely tell he was attractive, it made sense now as to why he was a popular choice, but he looked sickly, his cheeks hollowed out, dark circles under his eyes, and a muscled yet neglected body starting to wear thin from years of hunger and constant overuse. The sight made her want to be sick. How could anybody be cruel enough to force themselves onto this obviously abused man? How could anyone willingly pay money to fuck him rather than help him?

“Um, hello,” (Y/N) said quietly. “W-What’s your name?”

The man raised an eyebrow, not used to the soft, kind, almost shy way she asked for his name. The women and occasional men he dealt with most of the time were demanding, controlling, and sadistic, knowing they paid for a man they could use, and their voices usually projected that. Yet, this woman looked as if she had been forced to do this, further supported by the way she had been nearly thrown into the room by whom he assumed was her friends.

“Levi,” he said quietly, waiting for the usual routine to start, no matter how much his gut twisted in disgust at the thought.

“Hi, Levi, I’m (Y/N).”

“(Y/N)...” Levi murmured softly, training himself to memorize it despite his swimming brain, knowing she would want him to scream it out later. Whether in pain or in pleasure, he wasn’t sure yet.

“Um…” (Y/N) was about to speak, her mind scrambling for something to say when her eye caught sight of a large bruise on his neck. Her eyes widened and suddenly started scanning his entire body, her stomach roiling more and more the longer she stared. Now that she was really paying attention, (Y/N) could see painful bites, hickeys, and splotchy bruises littering his neck, jaw, chest, and thighs. Her eyes narrowed on the long, bloody scratches running down the length of his chest and back, and she noticed blooming red patches of skin all over him that were raw and aching from being slapped hard and rough over and over again. 

He was wearing a loose pair of worn boxers as his only cover, and (Y/N) could only imagine what other horrors the thin cloth was hiding. Glancing down, she saw him shift uncomfortably, his boxers tented by his arousal. The sight made her growl in anger, knowing that to keep him going after he had already had so many customers for the day, a drug was being used to make him insatiable, forcing him past the point of pain and probably clouding his judgement and mental process as well. It made her want to go cut up the brothel owner and serve him to a pig.

Without thinking, (Y/N) rushed to him, reaching out to him, only to freeze when he flinched. She heard him curse at the involuntary movement, knowing it was his job to appear as unaffected and sexually appealing as possible, and it made her heart clench even harder, her hatred for this place and the people who ran it increasing tenfold.

Taking a deep breath, (Y/N) immediately slowed her movements, trying to appear as calm and unhurried as possible. Her gaze softened and glazed with unshed tears when he closed his eyes, his arms reaching out as he prepared for her to sit on his lap and have her way with him like she knew every other man and woman who used him did. Gritting her teeth against the fury she felt, she carefully slid her way across his thighs. She felt him force himself to relax under her as he leaned forward to let her kiss him.

When he felt nothing, and heard something click, Levi cracked open his eyes in curiosity, only to have them fly open all the way when he felt something cool and wet against his neck. Looking down at the woman in his arms, his lips parted in shock, watching in confused awe as she leaned back and soaked a small cloth in some water from a bottle, rinsing the fresh blood from the fabric. Looking to the side, he saw a small first aid kit by her feet, the container open to reveal a variety of medical tools inside.

(Y/N) leaned forward again, raising the towel to his neck to dab at his abrasions, washing them carefully, reverently, almost... lovingly. Levi opened and closed his mouth but no words came out as she continued to work on him, delicately cleaning his jaw and neck before carefully moving on to his chest. Was this some kind of strange ritual she always performed during sex? Did she just find him dirty and want to clean him up before putting her lips or her pussy on his skin? His mind was running a million miles a minute as she worked on him in silence, only pausing when he hissed quietly at the feeling of his gashes being washed.

(Y/N) frowned as she gently swiped the cloth along the red gouges in his skin. They were deep, most likely caused by the long, sharp nail extensions some ladies liked to wear, or the dull blade of a man with violent tendencies. It didn’t surprise her, a lot of the men and women who used people like this did have sadistic qualities, but it didn’t help to quell the now roaring fire in her blood, wanting nothing more than to fight against the injustice of this man.

“W-What are you doing?” Levi finally managed to ask.

“Cleaning your wounds.”

“Why? Is this some kind of-”

“Preparation? No. We aren’t going to do anything. I just want to help your injuries heal.”

Levi felt like his brain was full of static, like his mouth was stuffed with cotton. He wasn’t complaining, far from it, but he couldn’t get a reading on this woman. Why would she, a noble from the surface, want to help him, a hopeless whore from the Underground?

“Wha-”

“Before you ask what my intentions are, I’m just going to tell you that I didn’t even want to do this. I was forced to come to this festival because my father wants me to become more of a proper noble woman. But since I wasn’t too thrilled about having to be here, the people I came with thought I could use an opportunity to loosen up, and paid for me to do this with you in the hopes that I’d start having fun with them afterwards. But I have no intention of doing any of that. I hate how everyone in the Underground is treated like shit, and the last thing I want to do is take advantage of someone who obviously isn’t in control of his situation. I just want to help.”

Levi closed his mouth, all of his protests dying on his tongue. He still had questions, a lot of them, but he decided those could wait, her explanation making him feel surprisingly relaxed for someone who had trained himself to never take the word of a noble at face value. He had never met anyone like her. Even before he was forced to whore himself out, all he had ever known of nobles was their complete lack of humility and egotistical sense of self-importance. 

It was silent for a moment, but this time, the silence was more comfortable, both of them starting to relax a little as (Y/N) continued to patch him up. Levi felt himself loosen up a bit, his muscles unwinding as his hands settled on her waist, keeping her securely balanced on his lap as she worked. Pride swirled in (Y/N)’s chest as she felt his tense muscles soften, her eyes sparkling as she started to work her way towards earning his trust.

“What’s your happiest memory?” (Y/N) asked suddenly.

Levi quirked an eyebrow in suspicion, “Why should I tell you, brat?”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” (Y/N) said, shaking her head and stifling a giggle at the nickname. “I only asked because I figured we may as well talk while we do this. Not only that, I feel like you could use some happiness right now. But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so if you don’t want to talk to me, you don’t have to.”

Levi was silent for a minute, the cogs in his mind turning as he tried to make what he believed to be the right decision despite the fog clouding his judgement. Just as she had promised, (Y/N) waited patiently, not pressuring him to answer, or even bringing up another question. She merely sat in silence, her clear (e/c) eyes narrowed on his injuries as she worked to make him feel better.

“There was a time when I was with my friend Farlan, a few years back. We were doing a job, trying to get rid of a troublesome merchant for a client of ours when we found out the merchant had a cat. We were hiding around the corner, waiting to strike when that damn cat jumped up onto Farlan’s lap. I’m fine with cats, but that was the day we found out Farlan had some kind of allergy to them. He was trying to hold back his sneezes but finally lost control right when the merchant came around the corner, and Farlan ended up sneezing really violently in his face. That merchant got so scared he must’ve jumped at least three feet in the air, and even managed to piss himself before he took off. We still had to finish him off later, but in that moment, when Farlan was mortified and our target was running for the hills because of a cat induced sneeze, I couldn’t help but laugh a little.”

(Y/N) had paused in her work to listen to him, and couldn’t help but smile when he finished his story. Going back to work, (Y/N) didn’t ask what happened to Farlan, not wanting to drag him back down after she had finally gotten him to talk to her, about something so personal no less.

“What about you?” Levi asked.

“Hmm, I think I’d have to say when I got my horse for my birthday,” (Y/N) said. “I was never around the horses, wasn’t allowed to be in the barn because it wasn’t “proper for a lady”. But I loved them, loved seeing them on the streets when other nobles would come visit my father or when the soldiers from the Survey Corps would come back from a mission. I couldn’t stay away, so no matter how much my father tried to squash my love of them, it just wouldn’t happen. My mother eventually convinced him to let it go, and surprised me with a little chestnut filly that I named Sashay when I was about sixteen years old. Now, she’s my best friend. We’ve been through everything together, and she’s the only one who doesn’t try to force me to be something I’m not. Aside from the royal guards, I guess. They learned a long time ago to stop trying to get me to sit still and look pretty when I beat all of them in the sword fighting ring.”

Levi’s brows shot up into his hair at that, his lips parting in surprise. “You know how to sword fight?”

(Y/N) chuckled. “Yeah, not what you were expecting, huh?”

“No,” Levi said. “I’ve never heard of a noble woman who could fight, let alone with a blade. Are you any good?”

“I tend to think so, but that all depends on who I’m up against,” (Y/N) said with a cheeky smile.

For some reason, Levi couldn’t help but smile back for the first time in years. His lips felt chapped and strained from disuse, but it felt good, a light feeling flooding his chest with warmth. “You said earlier that your horse’s name is Sashay,” Levi said, suddenly changing the topic.

“Mm hm.”

“That’s weird.”

(Y/N) giggled at his bluntness, making another fluttering feeling swirl in his chest. He had never met anyone other than Farlan who saw his language as something other than rude.

“Yeah, I suppose so,” (Y/N) said. “But I named her that because she is a sassy chestnut mare. I like to imagine that if she were human, she’d be someone you wouldn’t want to mess with, someone who wouldn’t take shit from anyone, but would do so with a spicy attitude. So I named her accordingly.”

Levi huffed a laugh at her response but almost immediately regretted it when the movement of his chest caused the rough gauze at her fingertips to brush against his injuries a little harder than before, the stinging sensation making him hiss in pain.

“Sorry!” (Y/N) said, quickly retracting her hands and holding them up, waiting for him to give her the signal to continue.

“Not your fault,” Levi mumbled, motioning that it was alright for her to get back to work. “Thank you, by the way. I don’t think I said that before.”

(Y/N) shook her head. “You don’t have to thank me. I want to do this.”

Levi wanted to ask her why but remembered what she had told him at the start of this and decided to trust her word, swallowing the question and instead changing topics. “Why do you even have this? Do you always just carry a first aid kit around?”

“Only when I come to the Underground. I want to have it available for those who really need it.”

“You do know that at least half of the people down here would kill you without a second thought to get to that medicine. Or they’d kill you if they thought you were pitying them.”

“I know, but I’d like to think I can handle myself a bit more than the average person. Even so, I usually keep it hidden unless I really want or need to use it on someone, and it’s only for quick patch-ups anyway. I can’t really fix anything major.”

(Y/N) finally finished with his front and carefully slid off of his thighs, moving slowly to begin working on his back. She made sure he was okay with everything she was doing before settling herself down onto the edge of the bed behind him, her hands reaching up to start her work once more.

Levi wanted to know more about her. He felt as if he could talk to her for hours, as if he had known her for years. He wanted to know what made her laugh, what made her cry, what her vision was for the future. It was insane, so much so that Levi idly wondered if he’d fallen off the deep end. But he couldn’t deny it. She was just too intriguing, so surprisingly kind, so genuine.

What was your childhood like? What are your favorite things to do? Do you come down here often? When will I see you again?

The questions continued to rattle around in Levi’s head as they once again lapsed into a comfortable silence but he forced all of them back, not wanting to seem either too desperate to get to know her, or be seen as coming on too strong.

After debating with himself for a while, Levi finally settled on, “You’ve mentioned your father a lot, and how he doesn’t want you to be yourself.”

(Y/N) tensed a little, her face twisted in a grimace behind Levi’s back. “Yeah… he used to be better about it, but ever since my mother died, he’s been like a tyrant. He’s upset he didn’t get a son in the first place, but now that he’s stuck with me for a daughter, he’s even more disappointed that I’m not someone he can easily make profits off of by marrying me off to someone. Not only have I been adamant about not allowing it, but no nobleman wants a woman who can think for herself. A woman who can ride a horse, go toe to toe with her soldiers, has an opinion, and is knowledgeable about current conflicts. They want someone who will dress up all pretty for them and be in bed, ready to satisfy them when they get home from gambling and drinking all day while sitting on their parents’ money.”

Levi scoffed and (Y/N) huffed in agreement. “I’m just not that kind of person. Every suitor that has ever met me has run away from my casual attire and sailor’s mouth.”

“Your father wasn’t like this when your mother was alive?” Levi asked.

“He was, but he wasn’t as bad. My parents were in an arranged marriage, but they got along alright. At least my father loved my mother enough to listen to her most of the time when she told him to lay off of me. I honestly think she’s the reason why I have such a strong fighting spirit.”

“I’m sorry she’s gone,” Levi said awkwardly, not used to providing words of comfort.

“Thanks,” (Y/N) said genuinely, a warm smile gracing her beautiful features.

“I didn’t know my mother that well,” Levi said haltingly, still unsure why he felt comfortable telling her about things he hadn’t even talked to Farlan about. “She died of a disease when I was four years old. She was a prostitute, like me, so I never knew my father. When she died, I was picked up by a man named Kenny, who I thought might’ve been my father for a short while, but as I grew older, I realized he wasn’t. I don’t have any proof, I just know. When he abandoned me at ten, I was alone for a few years before I met Farlan.”

“So… you didn’t get stuck doing this because of your mother?” (Y/N) asked carefully, almost afraid to ask in case it made him shy away from her.

“No,” Levi said slowly. “I was twenty years old when I was caught stealing from a rich friend of this brothel owner. I had made a mistake and there was no way out. He figured out who I was, a thug who was known at the time for carrying out favors for people, whether that meant stealing or killing depended on how much they were willing to pay. Unfortunately, this led them to Farlan, and he gave me a choice. Me, or my best and only friend.”

“And you chose to save your friend at the expense of yourself,” (Y/N) finished for him in a hoarse whisper, filled with horror and unbridled fury at what this man had been through. She figured she should’ve been alarmed, he had just admitted that he had blood on his hands. He was a thief, a thug, a criminal, a murderer. But (Y/N) knew those things were nearly requirements for living in the Underground and no matter how she thought about it, she couldn’t think of anything that would make this man deserve what he was going through.

(Y/N) opened her mouth to say something just as she put the last bandage in place when a loud pounding on the door startled them both. “Time’s up, you two!” The brothel owner shouted through the door.

(Y/N) shot up from the bed and rushed around to where the water and first aid kit sat, quickly packing up the little box of supplies and splashing her face with water, trying to make herself look sweaty enough to look convincing. Once everything had been packed away, (Y/N) stood and shrugged off her leather jacket, throwing it to him.

“Here, take this, it’ll keep your boss from seeing the bandages and trying to get rid of them. It’ll also give your injuries a little more protection from the bacteria in this room.”

Levi wanted to refuse, tell her he couldn’t accept a gift like this, even if it was temporary, but no words would come out as he watched the beautiful woman in front of him mess up her hair and swipe her fingers across her lips, trying to make herself look as wrecked as possible. When she finally looked the part enough to seem convincing, (Y/N) made her way to the door, turning one last time before she opened it to throw him a wink and a sweet smile.

“~Goodbye Levi, I hope we can see each other again soon.”

The lilt in her voice was fake, an act for anyone who may be listening on the other side of the door, meant to be taken as a sickly promise of more sexual endeavors to come, but he could feel the genuine emotion in her statement.

“I hope so too,” Levi said quietly after she had already left, the once comforting quiet of his room now making him feel lonely and empty.

The sound of pounding on his door woke Levi abruptly, making the raven-haired man growl in anger and annoyance. It was rare that the poor man got to sleep, not only because customers could come in at almost any time, day or night, but also because of the horrible insomnia that often plagued him. It made him even more irritable to be woken up, his body sore and his mind groggy as another round of pounding roused him further and prompted him to swing his legs over the side of the small cot he was provided when not busy fucking, and make his way to the door.

“What?” Levi snapped when he swung open the door, genuinely surprised that the pig who owned him hadn’t just burst into his room like he always did, raving about yet another customer for Levi.

“Get your shit, you’re going to the surface.”

Levi blinked. This had to be some kind of joke. The brothel owner never let anyone under his foot leave the brothel, let alone the Underground. Even the highest class noble women couldn’t request for him to come to them, the old man not trusting his prostitutes to be sent back. Especially Levi.

“Oi, your ears gone to shit now? Grab your pathetic bullshit and get out of my sight,” the man snarled, his small, watery eyes narrowed on Levi like he was the scum of the world.

Shaking himself out of it, Levi didn’t hesitate for another moment, rushing back into his room to grab the pitifully few things he had with him, including the leather jacket he had gotten from (Y/N), draping it over his shoulders to hide his healing injuries just in case it was a trick. The festival was still going on afterall, this could just be some ruse the old man set up to make the experience more interesting for the men and women who paid for him.

When Levi returned, the man pulled a gun from his jacket pocket and jerked his head, signaling Levi to follow him. Levi knew better than to risk running. In his full health he could’ve easily escaped from the man’s clutches, but with little more than a half hour of rest, his injured body, weak muscles, and the remnants of the drugs still working through his system, Levi didn’t trust himself to outrun a bullet, and knew the pig wouldn’t hesitate to fire, no matter how valuable Levi was to him. 

Even though Levi kept expecting the brothel owner to turn down a secluded street and lead him right into an ambush or trick of some sort, he never did, leading Levi right to the stairs exiting the Underground. When they reached the guards at the base of the stairs, the man took two slips of paper from the inner pocket of his worn brown coat and showed it to the guard. When he was cleared to continue on, the brothel owner turned and motioned for Levi to stay close as he stomped his way up the stairs, grumbling incoherently to himself all the while.

Breaching the surface, Levi brought an arm to his face, shielding his eyes from the intensity of the sun as it attacked his face with warm, bright light. He eventually got used to it, slowly lowering his arm and rushing to catch up with his boss, who was impatiently grunting for him to hurry up.

Passing through what appeared to be a busy market square, Levi followed the brothel owner along the lively cobblestone streets until they reached a quieter part of the town, stopping along the edge of a beautiful flower field, the grassy meadow filled with colorful blossoms that secretly took Levi’s breath away.

The sound of horse hooves caught his attention, and Levi looked up only to have the air fly from his lungs when (Y/N)’s bright face came into view, the stunning woman seated astride whom he assumed to be Sashay and flanked by two armed men.

“Right on time,” the brothel owner grumbled, his little pig eyes narrowing when he saw her passive aggressive smile.

“Of course I’m on time, this is my deal, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the man growled. “Are you sure you want this one? He’s my most popular, I’d hate to lose him.”

“Yes, he’s the one I want. Besides, I believe the money I’ve paid you has far exceeded the profit you have earned from having him around. I’m sure you will be able to manage.”

The man sneered at her but didn’t respond, using the muzzle of the gun to push Levi forward and digging in his pocket to fish out the same pieces of paper he had shown the guards on the stairs, handing them to (Y/N).

“Thank you, sir. I believe we are done here.”

The brothel owner slunk off, casting dark looks at her but refusing to argue as he hunkered off to head back down to the Underground, where he would continue to rot like the rat he was. Levi watched him go before turning to (Y/N), surprised by the bright smile she flashed him when he met her gaze.

“(Y/N)? What’s going on?”

(Y/N) smiled even wider and held up the pieces of paper she had been handed. One of them was the file labeling him as a slave to the brothel owner, keeping him from escaping, and the other was a bill of sale. His eyes widened when he saw her signature on the bottom of both pages, officially registering her as his new owner. He opened his mouth, about to speak when she took both pages in her hands and ripped them in half, letting the torn pages float onto the street below, forgotten, useless.

“There, you’re free now.”

Levi was at a loss for words, his mouth gaping open. “(Y/N)? What-”

“Before you ask me what my intentions are, I’m just going to tell you that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I couldn’t stop thinking about your life, your sacrifice, your pain, and I decided I could do something about it. You are human, and damn it, you are an important one! I couldn’t just leave you there. Now, you won’t have to work for anyone but yourself. You won’t have to cater to anyone else’s needs and you can fulfill whatever dreams you have.”

“But, that must’ve cost you a fortune, to cover more than the amount of money he’s made off of using me? What about-”

“You don’t have to worry about me, Levi. I want to use my funds for good, put them towards the people who need it the most. That includes you. Especially you. I couldn’t bear the thought of you having to stay in that shit hole for even a second longer than necessary.”

“What do I do now, then?” Levi asked, trying to focus on keeping his voice steady.

“Well, you can do whatever you want now. You’re a free man, you can find a house and settle down somewhere, or you can go back to the Underground and pick up your life where you left off. You can join the military, or you can start a small business here in the square. It’s anything you want. You get to choose your life now.”

“And what if I don’t want to do any of those things?”

(Y/N) couldn’t help the smile that flashed across her face then, her heart filling with warmth. “Like I said, it’s your choice, you can do whatever you want, carve your own path, but if you want to come with me, you’re always welcome to.”

Levi’s lip twitched and he took a step forward, reaching up to pat Sashay’s muzzle as he got closer. “Alright, I’ll follow you.”

(Y/N) beamed before turning around to nod at each one of her guards, dismissing them. When they had left, presumably returning to (Y/N)’s family estate, she reached down for him, her hand extended for him to take. Placing his rough palm into her warm hand, he allowed her to help him up into the saddle behind her, his arms wrapping around her waist to keep himself secure as (Y/N) kicked Sashay into an easy canter. Sighing blissfully, Levi let himself relax, his chin coming down to rest on (Y/N)’s shoulder as they made their way home, together.

Levi had never expected to see the day when he would willingly go with a noble, but then again, he never thought he’d ever meet a noble like (Y/N). Now, as he felt her warmth soak into his chest, he knew he’d made the right decision.

Levi finally felt the remnant effects of the drugs in his system fade away as the sun beams broke through the fluffy clouds in the sky, leaving his mind clear. He was making this decision all on his own, nothing left to impair his judgement, and no matter what, he knew he would never regret the path he chose to take just so long as (Y/N) stayed by his side.

[supergraphicultramoderngirl]

i ain’t gonna face no defeat

in which alex was a figure skater.

word count: 2,916

some willex, juke if you squint

tw: occasional swearing, period-typical homophobic parents (q word is used as a slur exactly once)

———

“Cut off my circulation even more, why don’t you?” Alex grumbles, grabbing his arm away from his sister.

She rolls her eyes and nudges him as he adjusts the arm band. “Hey, feel lucky you’re even doing this. I don’t think Mom and Dad actually realize what you’re skating to.”

Alex hesitates and sucks on his teeth. “You think they’ll be mad?”

“Oh, they’ll be livid,” she deadpans, then smiles softly. “But they can’t stop you.” She gives him a pat on the shoulder as he leans over to pull on his boot covers. “I’m gonna head to the bleachers. Break a leg!”

Alex calls after her, not looking up, “That’s only for theater and you know it, Mel!”

A few minutes later, he’s called to the boards, and he can’t shake off his damn jitters. He knows he’ll be fine once the music starts, but right now his skate guard won’t come off and he really has to pee all of a sudden and oh my god why is he wearing a tank top when it’s so fucking cold—

Alex steps onto the ice, and the announcer calls his name while he glides into a stretch before taking his beginning pose. He ignores the way his arm, raised in a fist, is shaking while the beginning harmonies start to play, and he skates.

•••

Alex began figure skating when he was six. It was an odd situation, really; he didn’t care about doing it one way or another, and he would’ve been fine with not doing it since his parents would always say it was a girl’s sport. His little sister, Melanie, however, wanted to skate so badly, but with her being the four-year-old she was, she was terrified of doing it alone. Begrudgingly, his parents signed him up for lessons alongside her.

Much to their dismay, he was good. Like, really fucking good. He landed his first single jump after only two years, and his first axel after six. He managed to get height in a way that his coach’s other skaters didn’t; maybe it was the inner pent up anxiety making him bounce like a jumping bean, who knows.

Alex wasn’t just good at jumps, either; he got his Y-spin after four years. He was that kid on the ice who accidentally cut people off with an impeccable spiral. When he practiced his programs, the other kids would move towards the boards to give him room and sneak a glance.

As much as Alex liked the attention from his peers (god, that support system was something else), he couldn’t help but feel disappointed that his parents never sat in on his sessions. They would only ever come to the shows and competitions his sister was a part of; he had to find his own ride to the others (thank god for Bobby's parents, honestly). It had made him angry at first that they didn’t want to be involved, but as he grew older, and learned more about himself, he realized he could use it to his advantage. He could skate to anything he wanted.

Alex was 13 when he chose to skate to Somebody to Love. To anyone else, it was very unassuming, just another kid skating to a popular song at the time, maybe even a tribute, since Freddie himself had passed two months before. It was everything to Alex, though. He pulled out all of the stops; his costume was the whole armband and wifebeater getup, and his coach let him assist in choreographing it.

He didn't know it was his last program.

•••

"Hey, Alex?"

He looks up from his math homework and hums in recognition.

Mel bites her lip and leans against the doorframe before mumbling, "I wanna quit."

Quit? Shit, nonononono— "—nonononono, Mel, you can't quit! If you quit, they're gonna make me quit!"

She closes the door softly behind her and walks slowly up to him. "Alex, the only reason I've been skating for the past year was so you could keep doing it. I'm really sick of skating at this point, and I wanna switch to something else. I'll keep going if you really, really want me to, but—" She sits next to him on his bed, lowering her voice to a whisper, "You saw how they reacted to the recital, 'Lex. You think they might make you quit anyway?"

Alex sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. She's right, he knows she's right. It just fucking sucks.

He tilts his head back. "You can quit," he whispers.

Mel places her hand on his and squeezes, whispering back, "I'm sorry." Alex looks back down at her. "I really with there was something we could do, but there isn't," she continues, recollecting her hand. "At least your last program was a good one."

He gives her a sad chuckle. "Yeah, I guess so. And, I'll have more time to focus on the band. Luke'll be happy about that."

Mel rolls her eyes, takes a breath, and leaves Alex to his own devices with a pitying look.

If she hears him practicing the beat to Somebody to Love in the basement the night she officially quits, she doesn't say anything.

•••

"Julie, what are you doing up there?"

Julie throws a shoe over the wall of the loft and into the evergrowing pile on the floor. "Cleaning out all of your old junk. Which one of you had a magician phase?" she asks, holding up a cheap, ratty top hat and matching plastic wand. "It was Reggie, wasn't it?"

Alex chuckles to himself, poofing up next to Julie. "Why do you think he knew who Caleb was when we met him?"

Julie lets out a loud laugh, continuing her digging. "Are the other guys here?"

"Nah, they're looking for a gig. I just got back from the park," Alex answers.

“Just the park?” Julie asks sarcastically, and before Alex can retort, she adds on, standing up straight, “Hey, whose skates are these?”

She’s holding his old figure skates in her right hand.

The black fabric is a little faded, with the familiar scuffs still on the toe. His dark blue skate guards are all dusty, but the blades still somehow look intact, given there wasn’t much opportunity for water damage in a loft.

Alex scratches the back of his neck, ignoring the rising blush in his cheeks and bracing himself for the inevitable teasing. “Those, uh, those are mine, actually.”

Julie looks up from the boots at him in awe. “Whoa, you skated? That’s so cool!”

Alex drops his hand, mouth open in hesitation. “Really? It’s not... weird to you?”

He can recall a tight grip on his arm, firmer than the band that had been ripped off. "Alex, what made you think it was okay to pull off this kind of stunt? You don't want people thinking you're some kind of queer, do you? Why we've let you continue this is beyond me, it isn’t any good for you.”

“Why would it be weird?” Julie asks, quirking her head to the side in such a Julie way that Alex would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so worried.

He shrugs, shuffling his feet from side to side, and mumbles with a wince, “I don’t know, because I’m a guy and figure skating is like, a girly sport, I guess?”

Julie shakes her head, eyebrows furrowed with a soft smile on her face. “First off, it’s not inherently girly, and second, if it’s something that you enjoyed, then that’s what matters, right?”

“I guess so,” Alex replies, looking down at his sneakers. Is that all that matters, though? He pauses for a moment in debate, then adds on at Julie’s encouraging expression, “My parents made me quit when I was fourteen.” He takes a breath. “They were never that involved in it, though, they actually only let me because my sister did it. I, uh, after I skated to a Queen song in a full Freddie Mercury getup, they weren’t too happy, and made me quit.”

At some point in his spiel, Julie had put her hand on his shoulder, and now she was squeezing it before pulling him into a hug. “Your parents are stupid,” she mumbled into his chest.

Alex chuckles, something emotionless, a bitter taste on the tip of his tongue. “Yeah. They were.”

Julie pulls away with a gasp, a bright smile on her face. “We should all go skating this weekend! The public rink just opened up a couple weeks ago, and I can bring Flynn so it doesn’t look like I’m talking to myself—” she falters, cutting herself off, “I mean, if you’re cool with it. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Alex thinks back to his many (many) practice sessions, and remembers the feeling of finally getting that move right, of flying in the air for that one glorious millisecond, of seeing some of his closest friends every other day. He misses it, of course he misses it. It was his biggest outlet before he focused all of his attention on drumming. But, he can’t help but feel that stupid fucking guilt clawing at his throat, can’t help but imagine oh, so clearly the look of betrayal on his mother’s face the night he came out.

Then again, he had lived the rest of his life out of spite of his parents. Why not keep it going?

“That sounds really fun,” he replies, pulling her back in. “Thank you.”

•••

A world sans Caleb was a new one to Willie. However, it was also a very welcome one, because it was in this world that he was able to just relax with Alex in the studio, enjoying every second they spend together without worrying about the time running out.

Which is why he was (reasonably) surprised when the time ran out.

They throw Alex an impressively offended look as he removed his arm from behind their shoulder. “What?”

“Where do you think you’re going?” Willie scoffed.

Alex chuckles to himself, pressing his lips into a line. "As much as I would love to stay here and cuddle with you—" At that, Willie's face goes bright red, and Alex counts it as a win in his head, "—the band and I are going ice skating when Flynn gets here, which should be in about five minutes."

"Oh," Willie's face brightens as they reply, "sounds fun!"

Alex winces. "Yeah, making sure Luke doesn't accidentally become tangible and run over a seven-year-old while playing human bowling on the ice with Reggie is super fun." Willie laughs something golden in response, and Alex only hesitates for a moment before adding on, "Uh- actually, would you want to come with us?"

Willie grows soft, still getting used to finally being included, but quickly schools his expression before replying, "Yeah, I'd love to! Though, fair warning, I'm kind of only good at the one kind of skating?"

Alex quickly scrunches his nose. "That's fine, I'll help you," he offers, slowly untangling himself from Willie.

Willie isn't sure how much help he's really gonna be, but they figure even an amateur would be better than whatever the fuck kind of Bambi creature he is on the ice, so they nod and pull Alex up by his hand off the couch.

•••

They arrived to the rink a few minutes ago, and while Julie and Flynn are buying their rental skates and Luke, Reggie, and Willie attempt to steal some without being noticed, Alex laces up his own skates by himself on an open bench.

It isn't until after he yanks the last bow that he realizes— putting on those skates should not have been that easy.

Yeah, their clothes are usually easy to put on, and they can summon their instruments any time they want, but touching anything else usually takes an immense amount of focus. Hell, the dahlia pin Julie had bought Luke for his guitar strap took five tries to actually hook on rather than just drop to the ground.

And yet, his skates just— went on? Laced up with no problem? His foot didn't go through the sole even once? He wiggles his toes around inside the boot, and only feels the familiar push of fabric against them.

He decides not to question it, to not think about the implications of his skates possibly being attached to his soul, and tries to avoid yet another afterlife crisis as they walk toward the boards. Or, at least, he walks, while Luke just bolts onto the ice with no hesitation, and Reggie quickly follows. Alex falls back behind Julie and Flynn, who step onto the ice and begin gliding around, and Willie somehow finds their way next to him, grabbing onto his hand. They make it to the door, and Willie lets go with a small nudge to the shoulder. "Alright, hotdog, show me what you've got," he jokes.

Alex lets out a small laugh and steps out onto the ice, a weird feeling of deja-vu settling into his nonexistent bones. Once he gathers his bearings, he glides along before maneuvering closer to the middle of the ice and pulling himself into a scratch spin. It takes him a minute to really center the spin, but with the phantom tingling of blood rushing to the tips of his fingers before he pulls in completely, suddenly it's 1990 and he's doing his Lacrimosa program and he wants to try to land every jump he's ever learned, even though he knows that trying his axel right now is a horrible idea, and—

He's exited the spin now, looking back at the door to see Willie about a foot away from it, gripping the wall with a concerning amount of intensity, an odd combination of fear, shock, and something else (awe, maybe?) coming to rest on their face. He skates back over, and Willie's expression doesn't seem to change. "You—" they swallow, "—you can skate."

Alex slides his feet back and forth, his arms behind his back. "Yeah, I figure skated for eight years, actually. Did, did I not mention that?" he asks, smirking a little, knowing damn well he very much never mentioned that.

Willie closes his eyes, sucks on his teeth, and takes a breath, getting over their minor bluescreen moment. "Help me?"

"In order for me to help you, you need to let go of the boards," Alex responds. Willie looks at the boards, then back at him, eyebrows furrowed. "It'll hurt a lot more falling into two flat surfaces rather than one," Alex reasons, and Willie hesitates before finally letting go.

"There we go," Alex says softly, taking both of Willie's hands in his. He begins to slowly pull them along, not caring about passing through lifers, while Willie's feet slip and slide beneath him. Alex tries his hardest not to laugh, and Willie quips, "I thought I was supposed to be the athletic one."

Alex scoffs, "Who told you that? Are you the one lugging around an entire drumset every weekend?" At Willie's laugh, Alex tacks on, "I didn't think so."

They make a full lap around the rink before Alex lets go, having to prevent Luke and Reggie from pulling on some little girl’s milk boxes to make her go faster, because no, that’s not how physics works, and yes, people will notice, Luke.

After, Willie moves to get off at the boards, and Alex pulls a disappointed pout. Willie just motions toward the ice, saying, "I know you didn't just come here to pull me around the whole time, I wanna see your turns and stuff."

Alex hesitates, "But I don't want to leave you here by yourself—"

He’s cut off by a familiar harmony playing in the background, and Luke and Reggie poof by his side in an instant. Alex barely has any time to register it before Reggie is putting a hand on his shoulder and Luke is asking if he’s okay.

And Alex doesn’t know how to answer that right away, if he’s being honest. At first, he thinks he might not be, because all he remembers is scolding, leaving, hiding, but he reminds himself it’s 2020 and he’s a ghost; that his parents are as involved in what was left of his life now as they were when he came out— not at all. The feeling of freedom starts to envelope him; the same freedom as when he danced with Dirty Candy at Eat ‘n’ Beats, the same freedom as when he played the drums at the Orpheum, and the same freedom he had before his last recital. He takes a deep breath.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay,” Alex replies, trying to hide his newfound itching to just get back out there.

Reggie drops his hand from his shoulder with a smile; meanwhile, Luke catches notice of Julie and Flynn starting a mini snow fight, to which he immediately races over and shouts, “I want in!” Reggie just shrugs and poofs over. Whether to stop him or join, the world may never know.

Alex rolls his eyes at his friends’ antics and looks back over at Willie, anxious energy seemingly radiating off of him— except, not as it usually does; now it was more excitement than anything else.

“Go show off, Alex,” Willie says, shooting him away with a smile.

Alex unsuccessfully tries to suppress the overwhelming giddy feeling that rises in his chest, and he skates. Again.

Finally.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S5 Ep 20: Pharaoh’s Cool New Trick

Digging my way through quite a pile of commission work (funny how these things only come all at once or not at all), nearing the light at the end of the tunnel, was looking forward to some free time to catch up on my many little side projects when I was asked to take off for a weekend to do some cat-sitting to which I would NEVER say no to a cat, so like...Rip this blog I guess, we only update like once a week nowadays, but what do you do?

That’s right, play Puzzles and Dragons! The only phone game worth paying any attention to! Where they just released Pegasus on their Yugioh Collab and he looks pretty great!

So I’m just gonna take a second for some art appreciation, because the Puzzles and Dragons art team is just A++++ honestly, and yes, I did pull 13 times to get a Pegasus in my monster box, and yes, he is a completely insane team leader that is absolutely broken when paired with Yugi (the numbers are so satisfying) but...look at him. He looks so good!

(also I finally got Joey Wheeler, and so now my gatcha cravings are settled. And, don’t worry, I play this game so much that I was there during Christmas when they offered like a bajillion stones for free so I didn’t actually use real money on this.)

Now PAD also released a Weevil and Rex, and I don’t know why, and neither does the art team because they still look pretty good but in comparison to all the mains, they sure do looks like just some shorty guys in some casuals.

though I gotta admit, I want to learn how the hell this art team does swooshy effects, because man, that would make my art so much better to just have flames violently exploding out of all my art. Why am I not doing that more often? I have the technology.

anyway, I didn’t bother trying to pull them. Maybe I’ll accidentally pull them when they eventually release a Duke Devlin. (also, RIP to the fact that Roland will probably never be in Puzzles and Dragons but like...I can only send them so many polite letters covered in stickers pretending I’m some 10 year old child and writing in my broken Hiragana “Roland in PAD?”. Thems the breaks. (They also might not remember who Roland is.))

Shoutouts to the card that Weevil is holding that is censoring this nipple on the booby spider, PS.

So because this is not actually a Puzzles and Dragons blog, and it’s been ten eons since I regularly updated so I could remember episode to episode...where the hell were we?

That’s right, we’re on an island now. This show’s wonderful obsession with evil islands (and spoiler, this is one of the few Yugioh Islands that doesn’t explode at the end. Mostly because Kaiba isn’t here to do it or this place would be cinder)

(read more island stuff under the cut)

Anyway, after announcing “hey guys! Screw islands!” Yugi immediately collapses and without any warning.

Apparently the armor is a big ol parasite, which is something that Yugi is so used to at this point that he refuses to admit that this is a problem. Just normal Muto stuff, refusing to tell anyone that he has a serious illness going on underneath that giant mass of hair.

(the sailor moon vibes coming off this weird orb energy)

Sort of feels like a call back to S1 when Yugi was clearly possessed and everyone else was like “He acting weird to you?” except it’s S5 and everyone has learned to never trust Yugi when he says he’s fine and they are responding like he is about to die. Which is correct.

Outside of the cave falls this scroll that is...glowing, I guess. So they open it up and get a bunch of hieroglyphs that give them the “riddle of light” and like youknow...it’s riddle stuff.

They’re doing this riddle for “wings.” And it’s like...everyone’s monster here has a set of wings or an ability to fly. Every single monster except for I dunno, flaming swordsman? Hell, Yugi himself had two sets of wings when he fused with Dark Magician (which was weird, and I still don’t like to think about what technically was going on there.) But we have to go and get ourselves even more wings.

Weirdly, Joey turns to Tea and does something that in any other show would be completely normal. He was like “you want to stay here with Yugi, don’t you?” and it was the first time Joey has ever actually addressed the fact that Tea and Yugi are close. Uncharted territory. I was amazed at the amount of casual shipping that is happening here. It’s almost like a normal ass relationship.

So the boys decide to go off, and be boys and tackle this themselves. And they shouldn’t have, because Tea is smart for this group, and also has the only healing spell.

Like if you’re playing D+D you wouldn’t typically leave your only healer behind. Just saying.

Also like...Grandpa Muto went with them? I guess he’d have to since he’s the translator but also...kind of weird to leave your grandson dying in a cave, but maybe that’s just the Muto lifestyle.

Do not be fooled by my caps, no one has addressed the Bakura in the puzzle for 3 seasons. I’m starting to think this show will never address the Bakura in the puzzle. Which honestly, that would be hilarious if they made a big deal out of that plot point and then couldn’t use it in the end.

And speaking of plot points that kind of come out of nowhere and don’t make full sense with the continuity of the show--Joey has regressed back to the 4th grade.

Hey show? What?

So like if you love Joey, this is not the arc for you, because this arc he is reduced to a Himbo and nothing else. Straight up didn’t know what an echo is, but is very strong and pretty, I guess.

This inevitably happens with any TV show becuase different people make different parts, and I’ve brought up before that sometimes it feels like some teams only have loose post-it notes of what any character should be like at any given point (ESPECIALLY with Seto Kaiba’s timeline) but like...

...Personally I’m mot so fond of this interpretation of Joey, kind of ignores Joey’s best traits, and makes Tristan look way too smart in comparison (and like I always pinned Tristan to be the Himbo of the group, but maybe it’s because they give Tristan so little else to do?)

And like don’t get me wrong, Joey’s a dumbass a lot of the time and needs to get corrected by his pals...but...to the point he doesn’t know what an echo is? He’s a dumbass in a High School student sort of way, youknow?

Anyway, they get down to this big ravine, and they have to destroy this stone while the light passes over it. Kind of feels like a Breath of the Wild shrine quest, actually. In fact, I think Breath of the Wild recycled the shadow/sunlight pathing quest like 4 or 5 times. (I love Breath of the Wild to death but boy did they run out of ideas at the end there.)

They have to fight a glass monster and it’s kind of like...do you know the game Balls 3D? probably not, but it looked like a bunch of random shapes stuck together like a 90′s animation. They basically went to war with shapes.

Pure Himbo energy, has several pokemon, but punches for his pokemon instead of using them. A power move if I ever saw one.

Youknow that would make pokemon a lot more interesting if you could like throw out your pikachu, and then choose to just physically run up to your opponents Eevee and sock it in the jaw. Raise of hands--I know you all would love a version of pokemon like that. Let Ash Ketchum punch a Ratata.

Bro has informed me that Ash does do something like this in the anime. But I’m not talking about the anime, I’m talking about the video game. Give me the option to physically combat my rival. This is what I want, Pokemon.

They discover a way to break the monolith, and the show thinks we’re like actually 7 years old (because the show is Y7, although I forget because it deals with so many dark themes) so the show is going to hold on to this puzzle for a while...just to fill time. And it’s fine because we gotta switch over to Pharaoh anyway.

Yami has this dream again. He attempts to fuse with Dark magician to overcome the dream, but alas, he is still not strong enough.

Yugi wakes up in this murky cave while Tea is out washing out like...some rag? (he’s also still got a rag, so I guess multiple rags were required for how sweaty Yugi is.)

Yugi says “I feel like I’m a new man!” a lot in this episode, and every time he calls himself a man like he’s some sort of adult it’s very funny to me.

And then this plot lore dropped.

I mean I guess inevitably it had to happen...

But man, end of an era. It was freakin hilarious while it lasted: that Pharaoh refused to read ancient Egyptian because it’s like 2002 and he is a High Schooler living in Japan and he actually doesn’t WANT to resolve the mystery of the puzzle. Maybe the people who made this arc don’t know about how in S2 and S3, the fact Pharaoh couldn’t read Marik’s back tatt was like...a really big issue. He couldn’t read the God card, he couldn’t even read that massive tablet that read “HEY PHARAOH THIS IS LITERALLY YOU”. KAIBA had to tell him how to read the God card for him. Freakin Seto “Magic is a lie” Kaiba had to tell him how to use the God Card because Pharaoh couldn’t read it.

But like...Pharaoh finally gave in at some point after the world was devoured by the Leviathan, and before Kaiba finished building Kaibaland (which was already built in S1 but wtv)

The timelines on this show have always been a mishmash...but this one is just like...

...show are you trying to convince me that at any point in this show after season Zero, Pharaoh had any idea what he was doing? Did he sap that brain energy straight out of Joey Wheeler so he could do this?

Wow.

(secretly hoping he forgets how to read Egyptian after this arc is over and the show goes back to the other development team)

Pharaohs reasoning is that, if this is the riddle of the light.....

....then where is the riddle of darkness????????????

and when Tea was like “Pharaoh that is not even remotely logic. Omg it’s so bright outside, lets go back to gross cave.” and Pharaoh was like “Tea! You got it!” and she was like “What the hell are you talking about?”

Not gonna lie, I saw the Orichalcos green, and I got concerned.

Anyway, Yugi gets very frustrated and was like “ugh, lets go save em. They’re gonna die (again.)” and marches down there as if he didn’t pass out an hour ago.

And he fuses with Dark Magician again while everyone else (including his grandpa) was like “Yugi are you freakin kidding me? The suit freakin kills you omg! Tea you had one freakin job!”

And then we get the plot twist that...I mean it makes sense but it was choreographed in a confusing way.

And out of no where this guy shows up again:

So this mysterious man shows up and says “If you don’t succeed you have to live here forever” which...nice...that would probably save the world a lot of problems if Yami got locked away and took his OP puzzle with him. And then this man also says “if you do succeed you become VERY POWERFUL” and Yami was like. “...”

This whole episode had a theme to it, where Tristan and Joey were trying to prove that they could do things on their own and without Yugi’s help. And honestly...felt a little bit misplaced. Yami’s the same guy who murdered Yugi last season with the Orichalcos so like...

...I mean he is probably more reliable than Tristan who once died and turned into a robot monkey for 10ish episodes.

and then they flew into a glowing door.

Folks, this was wild to look at.

This is wild.

And at this point I closed Photoshop and thought I was done. But then I looked at my timeline on the video and was like...wait...there’s more?

and I’m really glad I kept watching because it went back to Alex, who...is apparently just still at those steps in this haunted ass Pyramid.

Now we’re watching Yugioh.

I forgot for a second when they turned Joey into a Himbo and made Pharaoh literate, but we’re back. I mean...

...look at the liner art on this adult man.

So...I posit the question...has Alex spent the last 2-3 episodes doing nothing but applying eyeliner to his face in the dark? Because he absolutely has. And honestly, the vibe of being in a spooky haunted pyramid with barely any light, just applying eyeliner down the edge of your face...that’s a Yugioh vibe, if I ever saw one.

This arc is wild. Anyway, next episode we do even more fetch quests and riddles? Just going to guess now that we probably will.

(and for those new here, this is a link so you can read them from the top. Which, since we’re in S5, means you got like...hours of Yugioh content to read through. Enjoy the rewards of my weird hobby.)

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

[dc41896]

What You Want

Was watching Civil War and thought of this idea☺️. Hope you guys like it!

Pairing: Steve RogersxBlack Reader

⚠️: Bit of angst, mentions of death, fluff

Just hearing his short sniffles through the phone make you quickly stop typing as worry and fear fills your body.

“Steve, what’s wrong? You okay?”

“She’s gone,” he spoke just above a whisper.

“Who?”

“Peggy.”

In your short month of dating, Steve hadn’t gone too deep into detail about him and Peggy. You knew she was a very close friend and someone of major importance in his life. He honestly didn’t have to tell you though, since you could see that for yourself. Before Sam’s meetings, you could overhear the two men from your help desk talking a bit further up the hall about his earlier visit and how she was doing that day. Sometimes he’d have to leave early to go see her after getting calls from the nurse saying how she wouldn’t do anything they told her and kept asking for him.

The last part being the reason how you met after he accidentally swung the door open a bit too hard hitting your shoulder. He profusely apologized asking if you were hurt and even looked over the injured body part to see for himself. You insisted you were fine and even apologized yourself for being too close to the door in the first place, but he continued with his apologies.

The next day he arrived about 30 minutes early with a cupcake sealed in a small, plastic case and a single red carnation apologizing, yet again, for hurting your shoulder. This led to you both talking before and after meetings, getting coffee, and eventually your first date.

“I’m so sorry Steve. Give me a few minutes, I’ll be over soon.”

“You don’t have to. I’m at the compound right now, plus I-I know you’re probably busy.”

“I’m not. And even if I was, right now you’re more important.”

Miraculously, you can hear a smile break through his tears making you softly smile yourself.

“Thanks. You still don’t have to worry about coming to see me though.”

“You sure?”

“Yea, but only because I um think I’d rather be at your place. I-If that’s okay with you?”

“Of course. I’ll go ahead and order food so it’ll be here by the time you come.”

Sure enough, by the time Steve arrived at your door you had just finished removing the containers of Chinese from the paper bag they arrived in. Eyes and cheeks red, you immediately hug your arms around his waist as soon as he walks through the door. He tried to be strong, but feeling your warmth against him along with how sweet and caring you were only made him break down more.

Leading him to the couch, you spread one of your throw blankets across both of your laps before getting a tissue to wipe his tears. As you gently rubbed his back, he told you more about his relationship with Peggy and how finding out she was still alive when he thought he had no one only made her more important. Since then, he’d found out about Bucky being alive too, which came with its own complications, but now that she was gone, it was like a piece of him left too.

You finally got him to eat after a while longer of talking, and even watched a funny movie to try to get his mind off things. Before you could offer to cut on something else, you notice his closed eyes with head propped on his arm. He looked so peaceful as his long lashes sat against his skin with lips slightly parted, that you hated to wake him after the emotional day he had.

“Steve,” you gently speak rubbing his upper arm until his blue eyes slowly appeared. “Wake up, it’s late.”

He sits up with a stretch, covering a hand over his mouth to yawn before looking down at his watch.

“Oh you’re right, sorry.”

“No you’re fine,” you smile standing along side him as he starts to clean up the empty and half eaten boxes of food. “I can take care of it, you don’t have to do that.”

“After everything you’ve done it’s the least I could do,” he smiles putting what food he can together in one container and anything else by itself before throwing away the trash. “Thank you again Y/N for being there.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m just trying to do what I can to help.”

As you both finish in the kitchen, you feel like a ball of butterflies going back and forth with yourself on if you should say what’s been on your mind.

“Well, I’ll see you later then,” he states before kissing your temple and then moving to your lips.

“Um, actually Steve?,” you start, holding onto his hand and making him instinctively come closer.

“If you want, you can stay here tonight? It’s pretty late and I don’t want you traveling alone. I mean not that anyone would mess with you, because you’re you,” you nervously laugh. “But still. Plus I-I wouldn’t feel right with you being alone right now.”

Clear blue eyes seemingly peering into your soul, you clear your throat becoming fearful that maybe he thought you were overstepping.

“I-If it’s too early on though, I completely understand. Or if you want to be alone for a while that’s fine too.”

“No no, I uh really appreciate you looking out for me like that,” he answers with a small smile as he peers down at your intertwined hands. “It’s been a while since I had someone besides the Avengers doing that for me.”

“Well, I care about you and just want to make sure you’re good.” Eyes meeting yours, his smile widens before closing the remaining gap between the two of you. His larger, slightly calloused hand caresses your cheek as you let him gently tilt your head to gain better access to your waiting lips. Slow, but not painfully so, his lips moving with yours make you feel as if the perfect ray of sun has somehow managed to touch every single surface of your body instantly warming you.

As you both lied under your covers the rest of the night, his head resting on your chest and palm splayed against your back while you carefully raked your fingers through his hair, Steve never felt so safe. It seemed crazy to admit so early, but with every occasional peck you left on his forehead you felt more and more like home. The home he’d been missing since he woke up all those years ago in a different time among those of a completely new generation.

And you felt just as comfortable with your legs tangled in his while he securely held onto you, as if he didn’t want to let you go. Smiling to yourself hearing his soft snores, you can only hope that this feeling never leaves.

———

So far, the service was nice. It seemed as though the entire New York area was in attendance from the packed pews in the large church. If it wasn’t for Steve being a close friend, neither he, Sam, nor yourself probably would’ve been able to sit.

Although in the midst of a somber moment, you were holding everything together well until you watched him carry in her casket with the other pallbearers. The tears streaming down his red cheeks immediately triggered your own as if you could personally feel the ache in his heart as he said a final goodbye to his first love.

Your arm stays wrapped around his and his hand holding onto yours during the priest’s words of how courageous, adventurous, strong willed, and overall wonderful a woman Ms. Carter was. This makes a small smile appear on his face at their memories as he blinks away more tears.

“Next, with a few words of her own, we’ll hear from Ms. Sharon Carter,” the priest announces causing Steve to visibly stiffen along with Sam.

“You okay?,” you whisper leaning closer to his ear.

“Yea, everything’s fine.”

Judging from the look he and Sam gave each other before looking back towards the front of the church though, that wasn’t the case.

You intently listened to Sharon’s eulogy and the stories she told about the lessons she’d learned from her favorite aunt that helped her become who she was today, but you couldn’t help but notice the way she looked towards your pew. Specifically, at Steve.

Glancing your eyes up at him, you could see his had the same look leaving you with a heartache of your own.

Clearly there was history between the two, which left you wondering what that would mean for you. Sure they weren’t obviously sending flirty glances towards each other, but who knows what Steve was currently thinking.

What if this old flame brought back newfound feelings?

As the funeral ended and the pews began to empty one by one, the three of you are stopped by someone calling Steve’s name.

“Steve, hey,” Sharon smiles walking up to your small group.

“H-hey Sharon.” He momentarily leaves your side giving her a probably much needed hug. Watching her head fall on his shoulder as he comfortingly rubs up and down her back, that ache strengthens as your mind begins to race.

What if Sharon was who he was meant to be with? They both had military ties in some form and must’ve had a strong enough connection during their time. Surely he found more in common with her than you.

You hadn’t noticed you dropped your head looking down at your black heels until you felt a slight nudge from Sam giving you a reassuring wink.

“Sharon you remember Sam,” Steve speaks gesturing to the man beside you.

“Of course, hi.”

“Hey, I’m sorry for your loss,” he says also giving her a hug.

“And this is Y/N,” Steve introduces as you quickly try to get out of your head.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I wish it was under better circumstances.”

“No worries, it’s nice to meet you too. Your eulogy was really beautiful,” you softly smile.

“Thank you. I’m glad I was able to get through it holding everything together.”

“Peggy would’ve been proud,” Steve adds causing Sharon to shyly smile, tucking a few stray strands of her long, blonde hair behind her ear before meeting his eyes.

“Well I uh need to see if the plot at the graveyard is ready for her,” she explains taking turns looking at each of you. “Thank you all so much for coming to pay your respects.”

“Let me walk with you in case you need any help,” Steve suggests.

“Um sure, thanks.”

“Of course,” he replies before stepping towards you. “I’ll meet you back at your place okay?”

“Yea that’s fine.”

Sweetly kissing your cheek, you muster the best smile you can as he and Sharon walk side by side out of the church leaving you and Sam as the only people left.

“Welp, looks like we’ve been ditched,” he sighs.

“Yea guess we weren’t cool enough.”

“Psh more like too cool.” Holding his arm out for you to hook yours around, you laugh as you both walk out to the gloomy, cloud covered sky waiting outside.

By the time Steve returned to your apartment that evening, it was just before dark. He called on his way asking if you were hungry or needed him to get anything, to which you answered a simple “no” still trying to sound okay.

As if you hadn’t been wondering since you walked through your door where yours and Steve’s relationship now stood with his interaction with Sharon earlier.

While you felt you were convincing, it wasn’t enough for the super soldier whose enhanced hearing seemed to pick up on the slight wavering in your voice from your recently released tears. You didn’t want to cry and tried everything to stop them from happening, but at the thought of Steve leaving you couldn’t help it. You really liked him and wanted you guys to last as long as you could.

A faint soapy smell wafts from the bathroom as he opens the door, now dressed in his white tank and dark grey sweatpants. Hair still wet, he rubs his towel over his short blonde locs gazing at you peering down at your hands as you play with the seam of the white comforter across you. The soft smile on his face quickly turns to concern though meeting your eyes that didn’t seem as bright anymore.

“You okay?”

“Yea. How about you? How are you feeling after everything?”

“I’m fine, but I’m more concerned with you right now,” he answers neatly folding the towel before moving to your side of the bed and sitting next to your legs. Right hand finding your covered leg while his left reaches out to glide his thumb against your cheek, his sympathetic smile nearly causes more unwanted tears to show.

“You know you can talk to me.”

There’s a brief pause as you sigh trying to find your words and exactly how you wanted to say them.

“Is that why you didn’t want me to come with you?,” you finally ask earning a confused head tilt from Steve. “Because she would be there?”

“What? No of course not, I didn’t even know she was going nor that they were related. And I never said I didn’t want you to go, I said you didn’t have to and didn’t want you to feel obligated since you didn’t know Peggy.”

“I never would’ve felt like that. She was your friend, plus I went to support you.” There you were again, always finding some way to warm his heart when he felt at his lowest. “Everything was okay with the plot?”

“Yea, she’s next to her husband with a few of the flowers from the funeral near her headstone. After I helped her with that, I made sure Sharon got in her place okay and we sat and talked for a while.”

He didn’t have to tell you everything that happened, but you appreciated him being so open with you.

“From the glances between you two during her speech, I um assume you guys dated?,” you carefully ask watching him nod.

“Briefly, yes.”

“And seeing her probably brought back memories....” Scooting closer taking your cold hands in his, he bends down kissing your knuckles before turning them over to show the same attention to your wrists.

“It did, but it’s not making me forget about those that I’ve made recently,” he smiles. “Is that why you’re upset? That I left with her?”

“No I-I...ugh it’s dumb honestly.”

“I doubt it is. Tell me.”

Sinking down nearly hiding your whole body under the sheets, your groan nearly makes him laugh as your eyes and top of your head peek out from the covers.

“I’m not upset you left with her, I just..started thinking that maybe what you had with her would make you want to go back. Which I would completely understand, I mean I’m sure you guys have a lot in common, plus bottom line it’s your choice-,”

“Y/N,” he interrupts pulling the cover down to see your nervous face. “Yea Sharon and I have things in common and had a good time together, but in the end it didn’t work. Nothing against her, but going back is the last thing on my mind. Especially since something new has taken up most of its space.”

“The Avengers,” you answer making him chuckle.

“Not exactly.”

Leaning down, his lips approaching yours tell you what, or better yet who, he was actually referring to. His minty flavored lips molding with yours as your hand finds the back of his neck, his hand on your hip moving you over to make room for his larger body causes you to giggle momentarily breaking your moment.

“Um you’re on my side of the bed..,” you smirk.

“Like you really care,” he smirks back playfully nuzzling his nose into your cheek. “As many times as you’ve wandered over to my side.”

Meeting his lips one last time, you both settle in your usual positions with his face lying in the crook of your neck as you raked through his hair with legs tangled together. Although Steve would surely be sound asleep at any moment from the gradual slowing of his finger mindlessly drawing near your shoulder blade, you didn’t know if you’d be able to having his words replaying in your mind.

“I’m really always on your mind?,” you whisper, more so speaking out loud in disbelief than expecting an answer.

“All day and night,” Steve groggily answers with sleep already set in his voice before he pecks along your collarbone.

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[rosecoloredbi-writes]

When the Spark Came Back

Summary: Y/N and Steve dating in high school until suddenly, they weren't. Steve had pushed Y/N away with no explanation. Years later, Y/N finds Steve on stage playing with his band and gathers the nerve to take a step towards healing.

A/N: there is a part 2 to this that I'll be posting momentarily.

Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

Content Warnings: Swearing? Mentions of parents divorce and kicking their kid out, I think that's it.

It had been too long since you had seen him. You think of the time that has passed by cruelly. Back then you had all been so full of life, so excited for the future, and now, here you were: a jaded 25 year old just looking for relief. College had been good to you, you grew into your own person instead of staying on the steady path of who everyone else had wanted you to be. You opened your arms to adventures rather than shrink from them. You put what you wanted first, and loved yourself first.

The thing that was cruel about time is that now, you no longer felt that excitement about life. Instead you dreaded facing the next day and drug your feet around.

But everything was different around him.

The steady beat of the bass filled your senses. The vibration practically waking you up from the awful nightmare life had been. Then you saw him, and your heart finally felt less heavy. He began strumming his guitar easily and you started singing along. Then you felt the warm glow in your chest and a blush rose to your cheeks as the memories started flooding back.

He had been your first love. In high school he was popular. Everyone loved him or was jealous of him. Eventually, a new boy moved to town and dethroned him of his title of King of Hawkins. He chilled out then. Became more down to earth, and that is when you really began to notice him. He hung out with kids around your sister’s age and could be found driving them to the arcade or bowling or every once in a while he would take them out one on one to get ice cream. He was more tender than he ever allowed himself to be.

To your surprise, he had begun to notice you too. He noticed the way you would shyly smile at him anytime he caught your eye. The way your eyes would light up when you got passionate in classes, and eventually on dates. He noticed everything and was quickly smitten.

The lead singer asked the crowd how they were doing, and the erupting cries brought you back into the present. He was just as lovely now as he ever had been. He had grown out of some of his boyish features, but his eyes still shined with childlike innocence. He still had his long wavy hair that he would run his hands through when they weren’t busy attending to the guitar strings and gripping the neck of his guitar.

You allowed yourself to get lost in the music, but as the concert came to an end you were filled with anxiety. Coming here had been a terrible decision. What if he had forgotten about you? What if that flame you still secretly held had fizzled out over the years apart? You knew that was a huge possibility, but your heart still silently thumped in hope that maybe, just maybe he still felt the same. Even though he had hurt you there had to be a reason, right? You don’t go from being absolutely in love to not overnight.. right?

Your feet carried you to the merch table where the band was hanging out, talking to fans and signing shirts and vinyls, and taking photos. Before you could talk yourself out of it, you heard your voice call out to him.

“Steve?” you yelled a little more than you asked. You closed your eyes for the briefest of moments and took in a deep inhale. When you opened your eyes, his were glued to you.

“Y/N? Is that really you?” he asked as he closed the large gap between the two of you.

“Ha, yeah, it’s me…” you answered, playing with your hair to give your hands something to do. “Uh, hi.” you smiled shyly up at him and suddenly you were both back in high school.

“Hey! Hi. Uh, you are Y/N, right?” Steve asked, running his hands through his hair quickly.

“Yeah… do you need something?” you asked. That would be the only obvious reason Steve Harrington would ever talk to you. Maybe he needed notes from a class or something.

“Actually yes,” he said smiling, “I am in desperate need of your number.”

Your eyes grew wide with shock, but you nodded, knowing words were not going to help you at the moment. You grabbed a pen from your bookbag and quickly wrote down your phone number on his hand, double-checking it to make sure you wrote it down correctly in your fuzzy state.

You hadn’t noticed then, but Steve blushed at the contact of your hands and he swore he had fallen in love with you right then and there.

Steve wrapped his arms around you in a soul-crushing hug that you wished could have lasted forever. Much to your disdain, you were the one to pull back, looking over him all sweaty and still pumped from playing with his band. When your eyes met his, you realized he had been staring too.

“Do you want to get some food once I am done here?” he asked, running his hands through his hair quickly.

You nodded, “I can wait over there?” you said pointing to a few benches, “Take your time, I don’t mind.”

Steve pulled you into another hug before you walked over and sat down.

You watched him interact with fans, and couldn’t help but feel the familiar rush of butterflies anytime he looked at you. You busied yourself staring at your hands and picking carefully at your nails, an anxious habit you had. You smoothed out the black, denim mini skirt you were wearing a few times and retucked your t-shirt until you were satisfied with how it looked and cleaned your glasses. Finding anything to help keep your nerves down.

Finally, you felt a hand on your knee and looked over to find Steve kneeling in front of you, smiling up at you, just like he would in high school.

“You ready?” he asked, offering his hand to help you up.

You took his hand and allowed him to pull you up before answering, “Hell yes I am ready.”

You both decided it would be best if you drove since the vehicle Steve had access to was the band’s tour van. So there you were, driving down the street to your favorite diner. It was still hard to think straight, him being so close to you, but you managed to drive safely in your dad’s old VW Bug. Once the car was parked and you were both out of the car, instinct took over and you grabbed his hand, leading him inside to your favorite booth near the kitchen.

After you had both sat there awkwardly staring at the menu for far too long and the food got there, the conversation started flowing freely. You guys talked about what you’ve been up to, college for you, the band for him. How your families were, how you handled the death of your father. You found out that Steve had gotten a dog, which had been his dream since he was younger, but never could because his parents weren’t around long enough for him to ever bring it up.

“Okay, Steve… I have to ask. What happened?” Your eyebrows drew up, worried about the answer you may get. “I mean… What happened to us? Did you not love me anymore? Was there someone else? I have just been so confused all these years. I haven’t been able to get over you because you never gave me closure.”

Steve thought long and hard before answering and stared long and hard at the mostly eaten burger in front of him. Steve looked like he was going to open his mouth, but stopped for a moment. Instead, he looked you in the eyes before reaching to grab your hand. Something that had always been comforting to you.

“After we graduated, I seriously felt like there was nothing we couldn’t do. That it would always just be me and you and we could take on the world. Then, my parents were home for a while if you remember. They had seemed like they were closer than ever, and I was so happy. I had my parents and I had you and we were no longer stuck in high school. Then, I watched as my parent’s marriage fell apart… and it shook me. It really should not have been a surprise, they generally acted like things were wonderful and they were happy before shit hit the fan. But this shit was permanent. They announced their impending divorce and that I should look at moving into my own place. I just… I couldn’t handle it. I mean, we had been looking at places to move into together, but this made me feel like I was being kicked out of my family. That my family didn’t really exist anymore.” Steve took his hand back for a moment and ran them through his hair a couple of times.

“Y/N, I felt like I had nothing. I know I had you, but the only way I knew how to cope with things was to push everything and everyone as far away as possible. I have regretted not saying goodbye to you every single day since and it has torn me apart. I so wish I could have explained everything to you, and maybe things wouldn’t be the way they are now.” Again he looked at you intensely, but his eyes were soft, before continuing.

“If you need to get over me, I understand. I was so, so selfish 7 years ago. But I also need you to know that I am still in love with you. Seeing you today, it was almost like the lights had come back on. I have been living in the darkness I didn’t know about until today and I will be damned if I don’t say something. Just… please think about it? I know so much time has passed and we are probably so different than we were, but I would be so honored to get to know you again.”

It looked as if tears were welling up in his eyes that he was willing to not spill over.

“Steve, you really hurt me. I need you to understand that one day we were attached at the hip and just, so enthralled with each other, and the next, you were gone. It was almost like you had died in the middle of the night. If you were to leave me again like that, I honestly think it would break me into pieces that could not be mended.”

You took a deep breath, soaking in everything, including the way your eyes began to fill with tears and even let them spill over onto your cheeks, finally getting the relief you have needed for so long. You dabbed at your face with a napkin and looked back up at Steve, who sat there utterly heartbroken at seeing the hurt spill out from you.

After another deep breath, you finished your thoughts.

“I would love to get to know you again too, Steve Harrington.”

[bitterepiphany]

may i request a lil something about armin & mikasa coping/bonding after eren left them :’)

omg omg i had such a great time writing this!!! i ADORE these two and i love love love their friendship :))) hope you like it!!! p.s. ily marry me after <3<3<3

Archive Of Our Own

you’re here, and that’s enough

Warnings: A mention of self-harm. Nothing is described, but it is implied.

Summary: eren has disappeared, leaving armin and mikasa to struggle alone. mikasa can't cope. armin is there to be her shoulder to cry on

The day Eren walked out of the International Forum, they had initially assumed he just wanted to get some fresh air. Only Mikasa’s gaze had lingered on his retreating back for longer than the other’s, prompting a gentle tug on her arm from Armin, who just shook his head softly.

“He’s okay,” he whispered, “He probably just wants some fresh air… we did have a big night last night.” Armin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, still feeling the aftermath of their ‘drunken shenanigans’ - as Hange had put it - in his pounding head and sore throat from the bile that his stomach had upended promptly after he woke up. Though he definitely didn’t have the worst of it; Sasha, Connie and Jean looked barely conscious as they slumped in their seats, cradling their heads in their arms and leaning discreetly on each other’s shoulders.

His words did little to ease the worry in Mikasa’s eyes, but she straightened in her seat, meeting Armin’s eyes briefly and gave a small nod.

****

It became apparent that Eren did not simply just want some fresh air. When he failed to return to the Forum, the group made haste to leave as soon as it finished, with the hope that he would just be waiting for them outside. What followed was a frantic rush around the city searching - searching shops, the markets, bars, back alleys, anywhere a broody 19-year-old Eldian would be hiding to get away from his responsibilities. They didn’t stop searching until a resigned-looking Levi had to physically force the panicking Hange to listen to Onyankopon; the sun was beginning to set, and it would raise suspicion if the boat they planned to commandeer back to Paradis lingered in the harbour for too much longer.

Armin was baffled. To say that Eren had literally vanished into thin air was not an exaggeration. The group had lulled into a shocked stupor; they had no idea what to do. Armin could see that Levi, despite his carefully schooled calm expression, was fuming - it couldn’t help that Hange, who, as commander, would face all sorts of awful questioning back home, looked utterly devastated; they had put enough trust in Eren to bring him along and not to do anything rash, and it just blew up in their face.

The person Armin was more concerned about, however, was Mikasa. She had transitioned into that unnaturally calm demeanor he had only seen when she thought Eren was dead all those years ago in Trost, and subsequently whenever he had gotten himself kidnapped by Reiner and Bertholdt, and Rod Reiss, respectively. She had searched for him with a frightening intensity, barely uttering a single word the entire time, that look ever present on her face.

Now Mikasa stood on the docks, facing back towards the city, eyes roaming over the buildings, as if Eren would simply appear in a doorway and stride out to join them. Armin carefully walked over to her side. She didn’t acknowledge him initially, continuing her silent search of the city landscape, but Armin knew that she could tell he was there.

Armin felt a wave of guilt rise up in his chest as he looked at her. What if he hadn’t stopped her from following him out of the assembly hall? There’d be no way Eren could have escaped Mikasa if she had been there with him. He should have known, should have seen that something was amiss with Eren, should have seen the signs somehow. But there was nothing he could do now.

He reached out and touched her arm. “Mikasa?”

She closed her eyes for a moment. Mikasa turned to him. For a moment, Armin saw behind the blank look in her eyes. He saw the raw pain in them, the terror at being left behind, once again. Suddenly, he was back atop Wall Rose, steam burns stinging painfully on his cheeks, struggling to find the words to say to comfort a younger, scared Mikasa as she came to terms with the fact there was nothing she could do to get Eren back this time.

Armin said nothing for a few moments, and just looked at her. She seemed to crack even more under his gaze, her face twisting, lines of worry and misery forming, her eyes betraying her internal conflict.

“Armin…” Her voice was barely a whisper, hardly rising above the gentle sounds of waves beneath the dock they stood upon. “What am I supposed to do? Wh-why did he leave? What did I-”

“Mikasa,” he interrupted, knowing where her thoughts were taking her. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise. We’ve done all we can, and -” he reached out again and took her hand “- now I guess... all we can do is hope that Eren knows what he’s doing.”

Mikasa stared at their hands, mouth opening to protest, but he squeezed her fingers firmly; she looked at him again, before her shoulders sagged. “I guess so,” she breathed. Finally, she looked away from the city skyline and turned to face the rest of the group. Just in time, as Onyankopon appeared on the deck on the boat, calling them over.

“We’ve only got thirty minutes to get out of here before they start asking questions!” he yelled, “I’m sorry, but we either leave Eren here, wherever he is, or we leave you all here!”

Hange looked over them all, their eyes lingering on Mikasa with concern. They glanced at Armin, who nodded slightly. “Ok guys, it’s time to go...” they announced heavily, “There’s nothing else we can do.”

“Quit your moping, brats.” Levi glared at them all in turn. His eyes softened slightly. “Let’s just go home.”

They traipsed up the gangplank, Jean, Connie and Sasha heading below deck immediately, finding themselves prone to seasickness due to the unfamiliar, jarring feeling of the boat rocking over waves. Armin’s hand was still linked with Mikasa’s, and she trailed behind him slowly, head hanging miserably. Armin found the movement of sea travel to be soothing, the rolling waves fascinating to look at. Mikasa and Levi didn’t seem to mind either, but Armin suspected it was due to their Ackerman genes that kept them from getting an upset stomach.

Armin led his subdued friend over to some crates overlooking the bow of the ship, as Onyankopon, Hange and Levi called out to each other as they prepared to set off. They took a seat, Armin’s eyes tracking a sea bird as it glided on the breeze over their heads.

Mikasa was quiet, but Armin could see the shaking of small tremors in her hunched shoulders. He ran his thumb softly over her knuckles, every callous and scar lining her palm pressed up against his own.

He didn’t let go of Mikasa’s hand the entire trip back.

****

Months passed, and the only indication they received that Eren wasn’t dead in some ditch was a singular letter, - detailing nothing much but the fact that they should entrust Zeke with everything -  arriving at the island a few days after they returned. After Armin and Mikasa had confirmed that, yes that was indeed Eren’s handwriting, they had been swamped in meetings with a whole range of officials ranging from Queen Historia to the damned Reeves Company, all demanding how on earth they had fucked up so badly that they had allowed their most vital asset and bargaining chip of the Founding Titan to simply run away.

Being stationed in seperate divisions following the incident - Armin in HQ assisting Hange with strategy and official business; Mikasa in the field training new Scouts recruits - Armin scarcely had the chance to see his best friend. He was concerned for her, and if those few days after receiving that letter were any indication of her mental health, he could only imagine how she was doing at the moment.

As soon as she had read it, Mikasa had become concerningly withdrawn. She only appeared among the group if she had to for meetings, and as far as Armin was aware, she hid in her room any other time. He had tried to talk to her, but she never opened her locked door or was evasive and distant with him during short breaks in between meetings.

He lost his chance to really try and talk to her when they were separated, and now three months had passed, work just keeping him glued to a desk or at Hange’s side. But he resolved to ask for some leave to join Mikasa, who was assisting Levi near Shiganshina in the wildernesses of Wall Maria.

He approached Hange’s office, running over his excuses on how he was going to convince them to let him go. He resolved to just tell them the truth, since Hange would likely see through any feeble lie he made up. Armin reached their office, and knocked on the door.

“Come on in!”

Hange was perched atop their desk, examining a wad of paper. Upon seeing who it was, they grinned and hopped down.

“Armin! I was just about to go find you, did you look over those reports from the new recruits near Karanes?” Hange walked behind their desk, rummaging around for a second and pulling out a tin. They opened it up, and Armin spotted what looked like biscuits. Hange offered him one, and he took it.

He bit into it, letting the sugary taste fill his mouth. “Yeah, I saw those reports, I’ll bring you my notes on them after this.” He rubbed the back of his neck, scratching at his undercut. “But I wanted to ask you about something else.”

Hange nodded, mouth full. “Oh yeah, go on?”

“Honestly? I know it’s been a couple of months since we went to Marley, but I’m really worried about Mikasa,” he explained, “I could tell she wasn’t doing too well back then, and I just don’t know… she’s never been this long without being with him, and - “

Hange waved their hand at him, cutting him off. “Say no more Armin, I understand, I understand.” They bit into another biscuit thoughtfully. “Levi hasn’t said much about her in his updates apart from standard stuff, but I’m sure he hasn’t had much luck in getting her to open up either… Do you want to head out to them tomorrow?”

“Oh!” Armin was surprised at how willingly they agreed. “I mean if there’s anything else you need me to do before I go -”

“No, no, it’s fine Armin, seriously,” Hange insisted, “I mean I hate to lose such a diligent worker like you, but I know you’re probably the only one who can get Mikasa back to her old self… well, as much as she can without Eren…”

Armin smiled, nodding. “Thank you so much Hange, really.”

Hange just ushered him out of their office, stuffing another biscuit into his hand.

He began to walk down the hall. “Oh Armin, before you go!”

Armin turned back. Hange grinned mischievously, a glint in their eye. “How is she? You know -” she gestured to the ground, finger pointing downward.

“O-oh well -” Armin blushed, hand tugging at his hair. “Uh, she’s-”

Hange cackled, waving him off.

****

The trip to Wall Maria took him less than a day by horse, and he arrived at the Southern Survey Corps training grounds at sundown. Jean, who alternated his time between this camp and the eastern one near Karanes, rode out to meet him as he arrived, and he updated him on the state of things. Apparently, Captain Levi had the recruits renovating an abandoned barn, and was even harsher with his cleaning regimes than he was when they were part of his squad. Jean chuckled as he recounted Mikasa’s attempts to give the kids an easier time by sneaking in extra rags, changing water discreetly, and helping them carry around the splintered planks of wood, much to Levi’s annoyance.

They were rubbing down their horses Jean sighed. “You know, sometimes I miss those days when we were all together in Levi Squad.”

Armin paused, tilting his head thoughtfully. “Well, we still technically are part of his squad, but…”

“It’s not the same,” Jean nodded, “Not when we’re split up all over the place like this. Heh, remember when we were on the run and had to scamper around in the wilderness for a couple of days?”

Armin chuckled, recalling how Levi still somehow managed to get on their asses about keeping themselves clean while they slept huddled together under trees in the dirt.

“Yeah… somehow, those days seem more laid back than what we have to do now, in a way,” he said, making his way to the mess hall with Jean. “Oh, by the way, how’s Mikasa doing?”

Jean, who’s hand was reaching to open the door, paused. He looked over at Armin, sighing. “She’s the reason you came, right?” he asked.

Armin nodded.

“Well, she’s -“ he ran his fingers through his hair tiredly “- she’s not okay. She tries to hide it, but we can all tell that she’s barely coping. She won’t open up to us, or anyone, not even Levi.” He looked over at Armin again and punched him gently on the arm. “But you’re here now, you little silver tongued snake!”

Armin snorted, stepping inside the hall behind Jean. The recruits were still at dinner, and chatter ceased abruptly as they looked over at the new arrivals. Armin and Jean spotted Levi and Mikasa eating on the other side of the hall, and they raised their hands in greeting.

“Oi! Brats!” Levi’s voice rang across the room. “Where’s your respect? An important guest just arrived and you just ignore him?” He strode to Armin’s side and gestured to him. “This is Officer Armin Arlert, he’ll be here for a few weeks to help you twats out, okay?”

The sound of wood scraping on wood filled the room as the recruits hurried to their feet. They saluted. “Sir!”

Armin saluted back, still not used to being a higher rank than these kids who weren’t much younger than him. He turned to Levi. “It’s good to see you Captain.” The older man just nodded at him, glancing at his shoes.

“You didn’t track in dirt, did you?” Armin shook his head, smiling. Levi looked over at Jean, who was getting food. “Tsk... Jean! Get Arlert a plate too!”

Armin made his way to the table, where Mikasa sat. She looked up at him, eyes wide. They just looked at each other for a moment, Armin trying to see how she was before he said anything.

“Mika -”

She jumped up suddenly, and wrapped Armin in a tight hug. The tension left his body, and he hugged her back, smiling as she rested her cheek on top of his head. “Hey… I missed you,” he mumbled.

Her arms tightened around him. “I missed you too, Armin.”

****

The night had passed without event, Armin, Jean, and Mikasa chatting about what they had been up to the past few months, laughing together when Levi roused on the recruits for making a mess of the food hall. As they helped clean up, Armin scrubbing dishes, when Levi approached him and pulled him aside. He placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Look Armin, I couldn’t say anything to you right in front of her, but I know why you’re here and I’m glad you came.” Levi sighed and crossed his arms. “She’s not good, and she’s a shitty-ass liar too, so everyone can tell. I’ve tried, but she won’t tell me jack, so all I can really do is try and keep her busy out here.”

Armin nodded understandingly. “It’s okay Captain, I’m sure it's better for her to be doing things rather than just… being alone with her thoughts,” he mused, “But I’ll talk to her, see if I can make her feel any better.”

“I’m holding you to that, brat,” Levi groused. He jabbed a finger out at Armin’s chest. “I won’t let you leave till she’s back in somewhat working order, you hear me?”

“Yes sir!”

Levi snorted, gracing Armin with one of his rare half-smiles, before ushering him back into the hall to continue cleaning. Armin hummed. He supposed Levi cared about her in his own, special way - after all, they were each other’s only family left, and it couldn’t have felt good for Levi to see the only soldier who came close to his strength in such a state.

He returned to washing the dishes, and couldn’t help the warmth spreading through his chest as Levi smacked Jean across his head for disrupting a massive dust pile and causing all the recruits to sneeze. He caught Mikasa’s eye and that warmth only grew when she cracked a grin at him he couldn’t help but return.

I guess some things never change, huh?

****

Mikasa walked him to where he would be sleeping in the officer’s quarters after the recruit’s curfew. They paused in front of the door. Armin glanced back at her. That closed off look had returned to her features. “Come in,” he offered as he turned the handle.

“‘Kay”

The room was fairly spacious, with a decently-sized bed, a cupboard, and a desk in the corner. Armin flicked the lamp on and it filled the room with a soft amber glow. Shucking off his jacket and shoes as Mikasa did the same, he clambered onto the bed, looking up at her and patting the covers next to him. She seemed to hesitate slightly, before sighing minutely and settled next to him.

Realising he had no idea how to start this conversation with her without bringing up really sensitive topics, they sat in silence for a while. Then, Armin felt her slender fingers brush lightly through his hair, rubbing his bangs between her digits.

“Remember when I used to braid this for you when it was longer?”

Armin smiled, recalling the days before he cut his hair shorter, and Mikasa would sit him down and braid it back for him during times when he couldn’t get a trim and it would start to get in the way.

“Yeah,” he murmured, “You were always really good at that kind of stuff…”

She hummed. “Sometimes I miss your old hair..”

“Really?” He scoffed. “I don’t, it was ridiculous! I looked like a blonde coconut!”

She chuckled at that, tousling his hair roughly and eliciting a small squeak of protest from his mouth. “It suited you though, you were cute.”

Armin blushed slightly, peeking at her shyly. Mikasa was beautiful. Always had been. She possessed this fluid elegance that graced her movements, making it seem like everything she did came so naturally to her. Armin wasn’t afraid to admit that for a time after he first met Mikasa - back at the tender age of nine - he had become pretty infatuated with her. Maybe it was her exotic beauty, or the way she always was willing to patiently listen to him ramble on about the books he read, or maybe it was the fact that she was so willing to stand up and fight for a small, weakling boy like him, that she barely knew, but he became smitten almost instantly.

He had never pursued his feelings, knowing immediately after a few weeks of being friends with her how she felt about Eren. The crush had lingered for a few years though, fading into the background, and eventually snuffing out when they joined the Cadets. He still harboured his feelings of admiration towards her, and remained super happy whenever they spent time together. Rather than protest Mikasa’s motherly tendencies towards them like Eren did, Armin accepted it instead, embraced it even, understanding that she just wanted to protect the remaining family she had left in this world. She always seemed to be grateful for that.

Now Mikasa was as good as his sister, and he hated seeing the way that her smiles faded off her face too fast, hated the hollow look in her eyes as she retreated behind that mask of loneliness and helplessness.

“Mikasa,” he murmured. She looked at him. “You need to talk to me.”

She averted her eyes quickly, turning her face. There was a pause. “Talk about what?”

Armin frowned. Slowly, so not to startle her, he reached his hand out and caught her cheek, turning it back to face him. Their eyes met. “You know saying that won’t work on me right?” She just looked at him, eyes wide. He could feel her tremble under his fingers. “I’m here, Mikasa.”

And just like that, the dam broke. Her face crumpled, and broken sobs ripped out of her throat. She collapsed into him, head landing on his chest, and he gathered her into his arms and just held her. Armin adjusted so she was curled up in his lap, her head buried in the crook of his shoulder, hands balled so tightly in his shirt he wouldn’t be surprised if he found it ripped later. He settled his chin atop her head, fingers stroking the hair on the nape of her neck, slowly, soothingly.

Armin let her cry, allowed her to let out those body-shaking sobs, letting her release what must be months of awful, pent-up feelings. Slowly, her tears subsided, leaving her sniffly and trembling. Armin rubbed small, gentle circles on her back, and she shifted, raising her face off his chest and wiping at her eyes and nose.

Mikasa glanced sheepishly up at him, mouth parting to form words. Armin’s finger pressed against her lips, stifling them. “Don’t apologise,” he said quietly, “It’s okay.”

Her breath hitched awkwardly, and she swiped at her eyes again. “I-I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Mikasa whispered thickly. “I feel like it’s all my fault, like I should have done something, said something, be-before he-” she broke off again, new tears leaking down her cheeks.

“Hey, hey…” Armin soothed, thumbing away the liquid on her face. “I told you before, you did - you’re doing - everything you could.” He lightly brushed her hair out of her eyes, leaned forward, and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Mikasa…” he mumbled against her skin, “You’re here, and that’s enough.”

Her shoulders trembled, and she buried her face against his body again, tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt. Armin held her like before, until her body relaxed against his, and her breathing evened out. She had fallen asleep.

Careful not to wake her, Armin lay down, keeping her wrapped in his arms, and reached behind him to flick off the lamp. Darkness swept across the room, and Armin settled against her, burying his face in her hair.

Mikasa had always smelt of home, of the scent of fresh-baked goods wafting down the back of a Shiganshina alley-way, stone streets wet with the rain from an afternoon shower, of a crackling fireplace in the winter, and of exotic market spices that would make his nose tingle in curious ways. He closed his eyes, breathing her in, breathing home in, allowing her to sweep him up in it, the steady rhythm of her breathing lulling him to sleep.

****

The weeks passed in a happy blur following that night. Mikasa emerged from her cocoon of misery and returned, for the most part, to her normal self. Armin spent almost all his time with her, just enjoying each other’s company, letting themselves forget some of the outside worries, focusing instead on the recruits, Levi, and the rotating members of their squad that came to train with them. Both Sasha and Connie had arrived, stayed for a few days, and been on their way respectively, and had both been ecstatic to hear that Mikasa was doing better. Sasha was so happy she had hoisted Armin over her shoulder and paraded him around, yelling about how he was a magician.

Ever since that first night, where the recruits had witnessed them hug openly, whispers and giggles followed them around whenever they were together - which was basically all the time. Their openly affectionate nature towards each other didn’t help dispel the rumors that Armin was Mikasa’s lover, either. He heard enough envious groans from both male and female recruits alike that sometimes he teased them by making a show of linking his and Mikasa’s arms together as they walked, or randomly giving her surprise hugs from behind. They just laughed it off together, even more amused with the fact that Levi would ‘tsk’ loudly in annoyance whenever he heard the teenagers gossiping.

But their little bubble of contentedness would pop occasionally, and the reality of their situation would sink in. It truly hit Armin hard how badly Mikasa had been struggling when she approached him one afternoon, and wordlessly handed him a small box. His eyes widened when he realised what it contained, the sight of the small metal blades breaking his heart. He felt tears prick his eyes, and he pulled her into a long, bone-crushing hug, only letting her go when Levi had approached them, worried that something had happened.

Mikasa came to his room on some nights, quietly slipping through the door with her cat-like grace, padding across the floor and curling up under the covers with him. Armin asked no questions, and they rarely talked on these occasions; he would just wrap his arms around her and they’d breathe each other in, presence alone being enough to soothe them to sleep.

Duty called though, and the day he had to return to HQ came quicker than either of them would have liked. But as they said their goodbye’s Armin held her close and promised he would visit more often, even looking over at Levi and saying he’d try and bring Hange along, much to the older man's delight - if his exasperated snort was anything to go by.

“I’ll come up too,” Mikasa said, linking her fingers with his as he mounted his horse. “It’ll be good to take these kids out, and I’m sure even old grandpa over there is getting sick of this place.”

“Oi brat, I heard that!”

Armin chuckled, squeezing her hand. “Promise me you’ll find me if you ever need to talk about anything?”

“Promise.”

She smiled and waved as he rode away, remaining in the same spot, watching him as she grew smaller and smaller over his shoulder, until she disappeared from sight entirely.

****

Mikasa made good on her promise to visit, and she and Armin spent the months alternating travelling north and south to visit for a few days at a time in between work. She seemed to enjoy her time at HQ, sometimes showing the recruits around and helping Levi and Hange assign them tasks, or just hung out with Armin in his office. She helped him with his work on occasion, or she would clear the floor and start doing push-ups or something similar while Armin read over reports, much to his bewilderment and her amusement. Other times they would just hang out; play silly games; sneak food in and eat; or they would sprawl on the floor and he would read books out loud to her.

He took her to see Annie in the basement once. She just stood there, gazing up at the crystallised girl, eyes contemplative. She didn’t say anything, and simply watched as Armin went through his usual routine, recounting what he had been up to since he had visited last, reading snippets from the newspaper, and reciting random facts about things that popped into his head. Hitch wasn’t in today, so it was just him and Mikasa. Armin could feel Mikasa’s gaze on him as he went through the motions, and he struggled to look her in the eye after they exited the basement, afraid to think about what sort of truths he would find in her steel-grey eyes.

It was during one of those lazy afternoons when they were leant up against each other, Armin reading some fantasy novel about a prince going on a quest to save a princess, when Hange suddenly burst through the door, looking frantic. Armin jerked and looked up at them, only to feel his stomach drop as he saw what they clutched in their hand.

A letter. And Armin recognised the messy scrawl on the envelope.

****

So then they were huddled together on the rocking airship, Armin shifting uncomfortably in the new ODM gear. He thought about what he was going to in just over an hour. He thought about all the people he was about to kill.

Mikasa looked over at him, and he knew that she was aware of his thoughts. She shifted closer to him, covering one of his hands with her own. He looked up at her, and tried to smile reassuringly.

“Armin,” she said suddenly, breaking their silence. “I will stay with you, if you want me to. I can support you with what you have to do.”

His eyes locked on to hers with surprise. “What?” he exclaimed, “You can’t do that, you need to be there to take out the Warhammer!” He gritted his teeth and squeezed her hand. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. The plan should hold out fine. Plus, Eren’ll end up doing something stupid and dying if you aren’t there to help him out.”

Mikasa huffed slightly at that, a small smile gracing her lips. Her hands reached up and parted his bangs, and she pressed a kiss to his forehead. “We’re here, together, and that’s enough, right?”

Armin looked at her, his sister, his best friend, his rock, his one constant throughout their crazy lives. He smiled.

“Yeah. Together.”

[jinmindeulle]

the art of love | cs

pairing: choi san x reader ft. mentions of park seonghwa 

word count: 5.1k

genre: artist!reader, florist!san, exes to lovers au | angst, fluff

warnings: minor swearing

find ateez’s masterlist here!

enjoy ♥

How many deep breaths did I have to take to put myself together every time I started driving back to my hometown?

I think I stopped counting five years ago. It didn’t matter how many times I had done that, it had always driven me crazy.

But this time, it was worse.

“Please, text me when you’re on your way. Let’s meet at Jjinsong’s Café before going home. Be safe, love you!”

Yet, I couldn’t be mad. I missed my family too much to be upset over that. It’s been seven years, y/n, get over it!

I replied to my sister with a short message full of heart emojis and I put my phone inside my pocket. I started the car and glanced at my (ex?) apartment floor. Hope to see you empty when I get back.

Last time I visited my family’s home in Namhae, it was all tears and sad eyes. Making my way back to Seoul was one of the hardest things for me. However, every time I went back to the capital city, the driver’s seat was always taken by the same man, who at least tried to make my trip bearable by holding one of my hands when he could. But that day, I was the one driving, all alone.

I couldn’t break the news to my mother over the phone. She had gotten attached to him over the years. But she didn’t knew the whole truth, and honestly, going back to Namhae was way cheaper than calling my mom to tell her that I had rejected my boyfriend’s marriage proposal without second thoughts, and that my life was just a mess in general.

And I also needed to see her, my dad, my sister and my nephews. They were going to help healing my open scars. At least try to.

I picked a random playlist and kept it on repeat the whole trip. Fortunately, being a Thursday, the traffic was not that bad, especially at such an early hour. I really didn’t want to stay under that roof any longer. I felt miserable there. Why did I have to put it off that much?

“Why did you have to put it off that much?”

“I wonder exactly the same”

My sister looked at me with a raised eyebrow while she quietly sipped her coffee.

It had always amazed me how calm and collected Eunjung acted and reflected in situations like mine. She would never get upset unless it was the end of the world, and that hardly ever happened.

“I knew something was wrong since the last time you came home with him”

“But it was not that bad back then”

“You sure?”

“Well…”

He had been promoted a week before and his father had announced that he was soon going to retire, leaving him his position as CEO of one of the greatest companies in South Korea. It had easily gone to his head, and I wasn’t able to stand staying in the same room every time he brought that up.

“Maybe you’re right” I sighed, quietly stirring my own coffee. “I honestly don’t know, Jung. I didn’t like to think about it because it meant doing something about it. And I think I was way too comfortable living like that to try and change it.”

“And he made you do it”

“Pretty much, yes. I couldn’t get married to him. I don’t think I loved him enough to sacrifice what I wanted in life just for him”

“I’m glad you did that, y/n. It means you’re still chasing your dreams”

“I mean, yeah. I have always been. Not actively, but I kept dreaming about having my very own gallery, and everyone in Seoul wanting to have my art pieces on their living room’s walls.”

“Why not everyone in the country? Or in the world?”

“My dreams are more of the realistic type, Jung” I chuckled, munching my last chocolate cookie.

“How are you going to tell mom?”

“With your help?” I smiled innocently, trying to display the best puppy face I could master.

“And how do you want me to do that? ‘Hi mom, y/n here broke up with Seonghwa right after he proposed to her because it was not the life she wanted! Please don’t be that happy, it will break her poor heart!’”

“Eunjung! Please!” I begged “She won’t leave me alone and…”

“She will” my oldest and only sister interrupted me, smiling like the Cheshire Cat. “There’s been a rumour going around…”

“Wait, what’s going on?”

Eunjung sipped from her blue coffee mug and looked at me with the same innocent eyes I had displayed some seconds ago. Then, she quietly put the mug down and got closer to me over the wooden table, encouraging me to do the same. Once we were close enough to avoid being heard by the rest of the customers, she whispered in my ear.

“Rumour has it that Choi San is getting divorced”

I resoundingly sat back down, looking at my sister with a mix of weird emotions in my eyes. I hadn’t heard his name in ages. Not because I happened to not hear it, but just because I had deliberately asked my family not to bring his name up when I was around.

“Eunjung…”

“His wife cheated on him”

“Please, stop” I murmured, tightly closing my eyes, trying to get rid of the million memories that my brain decided to bring back after so many years of suppressing them. “You know how I feel about him”

“You’re telling me that after more than seven years you’re still upset about him and what you went through? You were like twenty years old, c’mon! You’re a woman now, y/n!”

“I was twenty two, and yes, I’m over it. But I don’t want to know, hear or talk about him. He’s dead to me. He’s been dead to me since the day I moved to Seoul, and will be until the end of my days”

“I didn’t know it was that deep”

“You were too busy taking care of your babies, Jung. And I’m not complaining here, I just know that you never got the full story, but it’s OK. It’s in the past now”

“You sure?”

“Stop making me question my life!” I cried, throwing a used paper napkin right at her face.

“What do you want me to say?”

My mom had always been understanding. She would calmly nod and hug me, telling me that everything was going to be okay, and letting me soak her blouse with my teenage tears. However, there were situations in which you could never guess what her reaction would be. And that was one of those times.

“Honey, I think we all knew that you were going to end things with that guy” my dad intercepted “but we weren’t aware of the fact that it was that bad”

“In all honestly, I wasn’t either” I murmured “it was just my routine. I had been waking up next to him for nearly five years. I had a job that let me live comfortably and not worry about anything else than buying expensive clothes every now and then because I was supposed to be accompanying Seonghwa in every fucking company’s party” I allowed me to cry for the first time, letting the pain and desperation out “I was living like a damn princess. But I never wanted that. I had never wanted that!” I sobbed. A pair of gentle arms held me tight, and I instantly knew that it was my mom. I hugged her back, holding onto her like she was the only oxygen mask available in a crashing plane.

“I know dear, I know. And I’m proud of you. You did what you wanted to do, because you should always do that. And it’s OK. It will never be a bad thing to follow your heart, y/n”

I nodded, drying the flowing tears with the back of my sleeve. “Thank you mom, dad. I love you”

“We love you too, darling” my dad affectionately kissed my cheek, chuckling when I showed him a weak smile. “Why don’t you take a shower while I finish preparing lunch? I bet your nephews want to see you as much as you do”

“Yeah, will do” I nodded, grabbing my large pastel purple suitcase. “I need to recharge before seeing those little demons”

The whole Thursday and the day before had been an emotional rollercoaster, so I expected to get the sleep I deserved. But sometimes things don’t go as planned. Just like my life, really.

The first night that I slept in my old room was just a blessing. No alarm clocks were rushing me out of bed, no angry faces were shaking me out of sleep, and no boring tasks were waiting for me in my office’s desk.  

“Aunt, wake up!”

I opened one of my eyes when the curtain was drawn and sunlight hit my face. I was about to bury my head in one of my pillows when the oldest of my nephews, Jiwon, took it away from me and slapped me with it.

“Mommy’s taking us to the park so we can have a picnic as breakfast!”

“And told us to wake you up so you can go with us!”

“Please, auntie! Wake up!”

I wanted to scream. I swear to God I loved those kids, but sometimes they made me think twice about having my own in the future. Yeah, well, it won’t happen anyways. You’re single now, and you’ll probably be forever.

“C’mon auntie! Or mommy will be upset!” Jihwan cried.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Go tell your mom that I’ll be downstairs in like 10 minutes”

“Okey dokey!”

Getting ready in the mornings was not my favourite thing to do. I liked to pick whatever was clean in my closet and wear it like it was a Prada dress. Nonetheless, it was never like that for me. I had to be well dressed. I had to wear the actual Prada dress. I just couldn’t choose.

But that day, I could.

After taking a shower, I took my old, worn out pair of jeans out of my suitcase and put them on.

“It’s been so long since I wore these jeans” I whispered, caressing the fabric.

Next, I chose a simple, colourful shirt that I myself had intervened years ago, and tucked it in. The most comfortable pair of sneakers finished my look.

“You look like you’re twenty again”

“Oh Lord Jesus, knock next time!” I shouted, startled by my sister’s voice.

“You’re back to being you. I like that” she smiled at me from the door frame. “But hurry up! These kids are driving me crazy down there”

Taking a look around that familiar yet so long forgotten park, made me feel emotional once again. That was the reason why I always tried to avoid it every time I decided to return to Namhae. My hometown brought back too many memories, memories that I had decided to erase seven years ago.

But I was tired of it. And at that moment, my future was uncertain — what I had always feared the most. Bringing back painful memories was nothing for me at that point.

“Fluffy is crazy!”

“Give it to me, Hwanie” I took the red dog leash from my youngest nephew’s hand, trying to prevent the huge dog from running around the park chasing the ducks, and probably throwing to the ground the old ladies that were feeding them. “When did this dog get this big?”

“We are feeding him puppy food that makes him stronger, auntie!”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t d… Fluffly!” the dog was able to release himself from the leash while I was giving wise advice, and started running towards the ducks, leaving us four way too far away to stop him before a massacre happened.

“Oh no!”

I reacted as fast as I could, although I knew I was way too late. My legs were not that fast, and even if they were, how was I supposed to have enough strength to pull him away from innocent ducks and old ladies?

Just when he was about to throw himself over the lake, a man in a black hoodie that covered most of his form took him from his collar and kept him under control. I kept running towards them, busy thinking about what that crazy dog would do to the stranger if he made a false step.

But I was stunned — and out of breath — when I found out that the beast was happily wagging his tail to the man, while he petted him. “Are you still misbehaving, Fluffy? Didn’t I teach you to stay calm near the ducks?”

“Uhm… hi?” I breathed out, trying to call attention to the man who still had his back to me. “The dog…”

“Are you still struggling to ta…”

My eyes watered in a matter of seconds. The man that I was successfully avoiding for years was standing right in front of me, looking the way I remembered him, like seven years had done nothing to him.

But he looked tired. Like he was going through hell and was needing a break from it all. His eyes had all the time shown his feelings, and back then, I was the only one able to read him like an open book. I knew in an instant that he was feeling like crap, but there was something else.

And maybe he was not the man that I used to know. Well, not maybe. He wasn’t the Choi San I had been in love with. The Choi San that I had cherished like no one else, who I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with and grow old together.

And I was not the same either.

“I…”

“It’s been so long” he sighed, looking me in the eye. I felt intimidated. I had forgotten how powerful his glances were, no matter the situation. He had always managed to do that to me, and I wasn’t ready to go through it once again. I had been invested in studying his glances way too many times in the past, and I was never able to reach a reasonable conclusion. So I just settled for leaving that matter alone.

“Yeah…” I exhaled, playing with the read leash in my hands.

“I didn’t know you were visiting your family”

“You know when I come here?”

“Of course I do. Everybody knows. It’s a small town, y/n”

I closed my eyes tightly upon hearing my name leave his lips. I felt like crying all over again, and I wasn’t willing to let him see me like that anymore. He had had enough of it. We both had.

“Should have guessed it” I nodded, looking down and avoiding his gaze. “Can you give me Fluffy back?”  

“Oh yeah, sorry” he petted the dog for the last time while I secured the leash back on his collar “He’s been misbehaving a lot lately”

“You know him?”

“I helped Eunjung a couple of times with him. She told me it’s been hard to keep him quiet when they take him out to the park so I offered to help. I need to take a break from life sometimes, and he’s great company”

“He seems to like you a lot” I smiled weakly, looking down at the happy dog who was still wagging his tail while looking at San with what seemed like adoration.

“I think so, yeah” he giggled softly, petting him once again. “He’s nice, but he needs some rules before it goes out of hand”

“I’ll make sure to tame him, then”

“You’re staying?” I mustered all of my courage, and looked up to meet his eyes. His voice tone had changed tremendously, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. This was a new Choi San for me after all.

“For some weeks, yeah. I still don’t know how many, to be honest”

“You’re on a little vacation with your boyfriend?”

“I…” I was about to reply, but then it just hit me. I was talking to Choi San, the man that had marked my whole existence with burning, hurtful words. He had given me everything and taken it away from me as fast as he could. So no, I was not giving him explanations. “Yeah. Well, goodbye, San.”

And I left as fast as I got there.

After my encounter with San, I kept thinking about him and everything that happened in those years together. Not only the tragic ending, but also the beautiful things. And that made me realize that I could at least get part of it back.

Although Eunjung saw everything, she didn’t bring it up. She knew that I was struggling — and I’m pretty sure she heard me that night.

So while a soft breeze accompanied me as I was watching the night skies in the petit balcony of my room, I decided to make my way towards the basement to find the boxes full of the stuff I had left there and never used ever again. Many oleos were dry and unusable, but some others seemed to be just fine. I took one of the empty canvases and my easel as well as my collection of paintbrushes, and went back to my balcony.

“How had I missed you” I whispered, looking at my empty canvas. Tears gathered in my eyes, and a sad smile appeared on my lips as they rolled down my cheeks. “I really missed this”

But although I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than a soft stroke which was supposed to be the very same night sky above me.

My hand didn’t respond. It was painful.

So I let it all out. My desperate cries were most probably heard around the neighbourhood, but that was my last concern. The only thing that was supposed to make me happy turned out to be a total failure.

I had no purpose. I had ruined my career as a painter years ago. Why would I paint a night sky that would be seen by no one but me? That would be recognized by no one but me?

San was right.

He had been right all along.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you ran into San yesterday?”

Mornings at home were usually not that noisy, but that day it had to be. My mom had organized a tea party with her girlfriends, and I was supposed to help her out as the only one who was free around the house. My dad was out of town for the weekend because of work, and my sister decided to go out with her sons, probably trying to get away from our mom’s demands.

“Eunjung told you?” I sighed, mixing the cupcake mix faster than I was supposed to so that I could get out of there.

“Yep” she nodded.

“I don’t want to talk about him. You know he’s dead to me”

But even though I said it bluntly, I was feeling like that sentence had no meaning to me anymore.

“You’re being too rude, y/n”

“I’m being honest, mom.” I stopped my eager mixing and looked at her, supporting my weight against the kitchen counter, and crossed my arms over my chest. “I know you and everyone in this town love San. But I don’t, and I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Please”

“Fine” she sighed “Then lend me a hand with the stra— oh Dear God!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I was supposed to bake a strawberry cake but I totally forgot about buying the strawberries”

I rolled my eyes. Totally my mom’s behaviour. “I’ll go to the supermarket. Anything else?”

I shouldn’t have asked that.

Making my way down the aisles, I struggled to find everything that my mom asked me to buy.

“Where the hell are these fucking powders?” I murmured, slowly walking with my cart and carefully reading each package. “Well, not here”

I looked in front of me to check the signs over the aisles, but my eyes encountered something very different.

A painted night sky.

I knew that painting. I knew that night sky.

Those soft strokes and the shiny details on the moon were familiar. Too familiar.

Of course. They were mine.

And once I understood that I was not looking at an actual painting but the back of an intervened denim jacket, it all came crushing down once again.

But I didn’t have enough time to run away.

He turned around and saw me. I froze like I hadn’t just seen him the day before. My eyes became glossy once again. Keep it together, y/n!

“I thought that yesterday was a coincidence. But I don’t believe that anymore”

San was right in front of me now, a couple of meters away from me. He was carrying some instant noodles in his hands and a bottle of water.

“Let’s not do this, please” I shook my head, tightly gripping the cart’s handle.

“We need to talk, y/n”

“There’s nothing to talk about, San” I gasped, avoiding his eyes.

“If your eyes keep watering whenever you see me and my heart keeps pounding whenever I see you, then yes, there’s a lot of talking to do” he calmly stated, taking a step closer to me “I know you have been avoiding me, and I cannot blame you alone. I also had whenever I knew you were around. But this needs to stop” he sighed “I am aware of the fact that you’re in a relationship and I don’t int—“

“I’m not” I interrupted him, looking at him in the eye “I left him. That’s why I’m here”

“I’m… I’m so sorry to hear that” he said, and I could clearly see the sincerity in his eyes.

“It’s okay…” I whispered.

“Can we please meet so we can finally say whatever we have to say to each other before you leave?”

“San, I… I find it really hard to talk to you” I came clean, playing with the ends of my shirt “You hurt me a lot, and… and I really don’t want to keep digging in the same old scars. But maybe…” I took a deep breath “Maybe it will help to finally close them”

He nodded “I know, y/n. I need this. We need this”

“What about your wife?”

I just had to ask. He knew about me and Seonghwa, so it was only fair.

“It’s a long story, but in a nutshell, I’m divorcing her”

“I’m so—“

“Don’t bother” he shook his head, chuckling with a noticeable pain in his voice “I’m not sorry, so no one should be for me. Especially you.”

I don’t know why I was so nervous. It was just San. Choi San, that beautiful, talented and perfect man.

And that was the problem.

Choi San had always been a mystery. A simple mystery. Back then, he liked to show me that he needed to wear nothing more than a dazzling smile to make my day better. He used to take me out at night to stargaze because he thought that I could find inspiration up there.

“You need to paint these, baby” he had said “I know you’ll do an outstanding job”

And of course I painted them. Every single one of them.

“Could you pretty please paint this same sky on the back of my denim jacket?” he had asked.

“Why do you want me to do that, Sanshine?” I had chuckled, looking up from his chest so that I could see his stunning features illuminated by the stars.  

“Because today I feel like I could do anything I want with my life. I have you, so that’s enough” he had replied, sweetly kissing me afterwards.

I hadn’t been enough, though.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when I felt his sweet perfume coming near me. I turned my head to my right, and I was able to distinguish his slender form from afar. He was still wearing that denim jacket and carried a large envelope in his hands.

“Hey there” he softly smiled.

“Hi San” I replied, trying to get rid of any sign of desperation in my voice.

“Do you want us to stay here or you prefer to go where used to… hang out?”

“I’m perfectly fine here” I sat back down on the bench, and he cautiously did the same, both of us in each end of it. The evening was warm and a nice breeze hit our faces. Although there were no stars yet, they were on their way.

And I honestly wasn’t ready to stargaze with San.

“Shall I start by saying that I am truly sorry?” after some minutes of silence, San broke the ice. “I never meant to hurt you like that. But I know that saying sorry now it’s meaningless. I just want you to let it all out, say the things that you wanted to yell at that 23 year old me but you never got to” the sorrow in his voice was evident, and I believed him. I felt how sorry he was for what he told me that night.

But it still haunted me. So I had to tell him.

“You ruined my dreams, San.” I whispered, already feeling hot tears go down my face. “You were my only fan back then. You encouraged me to keep going, practising, learning, and experimenting. But that night… you just threw that away. Why would you tell me that I was never going to be successful? Why would you yell right at my face that I was talentless?” I sobbed “That my paintings were nothing special and that I would never become a renowned artist if I kept painting night skies, when you were the one who encouraged me to do that in the first place?” And just as he wanted me, I let it all out. “You buried my dreams. You crushed them and you even made sure to throw them to the trash before leaving. I hated you for so long! I despised you! You were my best friend who suddenly became my worst enemy. But why? I just want to know that. I don’t care if you still think that my paintings were garbage. That’s my last concern” I sighed, violently drying the still falling tears “I just want to know why”

I looked at him, and it made me feel a little bit better to know that I was not the only one crying about it. Although he kept silent, his cheeks were soaked, and his eyes reddened and puffy. “You were talking about leaving Namhae” he whispered, looking down at the grass that surrounded us “and I couldn’t go with you, so I just needed you to stay. But after you moved to Seoul, I realized that I was being selfish and that I thought of my happiness over yours. I was going to be happy if you stayed with me, working at the flower shop and painting night skies as a hobby. But you would never have been if you did that” he cried, letting out a sorrowed and choppy breath. “And for the record, I never meant those words, y/n. I never believed that, and I know for a fact that I’m still your number one fan. You are the most talented person I know. You are amazing, and you more than anyone in this world deserve to be recognized out there. I’m so sorry for making you believe the opposite.”

I stayed silent, processing San’s explanation.

If we just had talked it out back then, maybe, just maybe…

“We were young and stupid” I finally replied. “I was trying to get out of Namhae to become an artist and I tried to take you with me. You were building your flower shop here and you tried to make me stay. It was never going to work out even if we tried” I reasoned, getting closer to him.

“But I shouldn’t have said that anyways” he shook his head “I prevented you from pursuing your dreams”

“I was stupid enough to believe that and stopped trying. I should have kept painting despite your words. I now see it” Slowly, San raised his head and looked at me in the eye. I weakly smiled at him, taking one of his hands for the first time in seven years. “I’m sorry too, San. I blamed you for my misery when I was the one who had to go after my dreams anyways”

“We both fucked up. But it’s on the past now, and we’re still young” he tightened his grip on my hand and shook the mysterious envelope with the other “I don’t know about you, but I just came from my attorney’s office. I’m officially divorced”

“I can’t believe our lives turned out this way” I quietly laughed, playing with San’s fingers. “If you had asked my 20 year old self, I probably would have said we were having our own house full of flowers and paintings by now, and why not add a couple of wedding rings. I was delusional”

“Not really, y/n. I expected that as well” his free hand softly caressed my cheek, travelling down to my jaw. He carefully grabbed my chin, making me look at him. I felt my eyes watering again, and San raised an eyebrow, showing me his confused gaze “Is there something wrong, baby?” he whispered.

I let out my tears, because I wasn’t trying to hide them from him anymore. “I’m just happy” I replied “I used to think that seeing you again was a mistake. That living in my luxurious Seoul apartment with a man that I no longer loved was what I needed to live the decent life that I was supposed to have. And now I know that it was just me trying to supress the urge that I had to come back to you. Because despite the horrible ending, you made me be who I am today. You loved me endlessly, San. And I hope you still do” I admitted, blushing like I was that 20 year old once again “Because I know I never stopped loving you, Sanshine. Even when I hated you the most”

He replied in the most beautiful way. A sweet, awaited, and loving kiss.

Although it wasn’t, it felt like the first time. No rushing, no hurting. Just love.

The love that I was waiting to get from someone that actually never loved me like San did.

The love that San was waiting to get from someone that actually never loved him like I did.

The love that we both deserved to get after so long.  

— jinmindeulle ♥ 

[fandomsandwritings]

Distant

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x GenderNeutral!Reader (if there are any mistakes feel free to message me!) 

Requested: No

Summary: You don't want to bother the team with something personal happening in you life so you begin to pull away from them until you can’t hide it anymore.

Word Count: 2,689

Warnings: a little angst but mostly fluff, literally just Hotch being super sweet and supportive and caring

A/N: This took me too long to finish but here we go! As always my requests are open! 

You’d been distancing yourself from the team more and more lately. At first it was just saying no to drinks or dinner every once and awhile to them having stopped asking you all together. You knew it was for the best though. You didn’t need them to pity you. The truth of the matter was that your mother was very sick, and you’d been taking her to as many appointments as you could or simply hanging out with her when you were home. It had been just you and her for a while now. Your father having passed some years ago. You’d always been a little stubborn and always insisted you could do things on your own. You didn’t need help or for others to feel sorry for you, so you distanced yourself from them and focused solely on helping your mother feel better.

This morning you’d gotten up early to go over to her place to check on her and bring her breakfast.

“Hi mom, I brought you food!” You announced as you walked in her house.

“We’re in here dear.” She yelled back from the living room. You walked in to see her sitting in her favorite chair as her nurse helped her with her medicine for the day. You’d decided to hire a nurse to come by daily to check on her when you’d come home from a case and saw that she’d forgotten to take her medications while you were gone. This allowed you some comfort when you had to leave knowing she’d have someone here daily to be with her or take her to her appointments.

“Hi Alice, how’re you?” You asked the nurse while sitting on the couch

“Doing good, your mother is arguing with me on how much she moves in a day. I’ve been telling her that she needs to wait for me to come over before coming down the stairs in the morning and also wait for me to come back by and help her in the evenings when you’re away.”

“I’m not that old, I think I can get up and down the stairs on my own.” Was her argument back.

“Alice is right mom, with how your joints are and the medication you’re on, you should really wait for her to help.” You spoke while you and Alice gave each other a look knowing she wasn’t going to listen.

“Whatever.” was your mother’s only response as your phone pinged with a message.

“I have to go to work now but I love you mom and listen to Alice!” you said as you stood and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

--

“Hey guys sorry I’m late.” You announced as you walked in and Penelope stood up to give the briefing. You guys were headed to a rural town in Nebraska where 3 unidentified bodies had shown up. As you all stood up to grab your bags and head to the plane JJ stopped you.

“You okay Y/N? You look tired.” She asked caringly but you also knew that she was being a little nosey since you too had been the closest before you made the decision to push them all away.

“Oh yeah I’m fine. Just had to wake up earlier today.” You answered as you walked out, not a lie but also not the whole truth.

--

You sat across from Hotch as you guys individually looked over the files after y’all decided who would do what after you all land.

“What did you have to do this morning?” He asked you suddenly

“Excuse me?” You asked kind of annoyed

“I heard you tell JJ that you had to wake up early for something and I was just curious as to what it was.” He spoke quietly and calmly, and you could tell how much he cared in his eyes. They were all worried about you, you could tell but you didn’t need to bother them with your problems, so you just blew off their intrusive questions.

“I just had some errands to run.”

“On the other side of town?” He questioned and you just gave him a confused look. “The coffee cup you had this morning is from a coffee shop that’s at least 20 min from your apartment with traffic at that time in the morning.”

“Don’t.” was your only response.

“Don’t what?” he asked a little confused.

“Don’t try to profile me Aaron.” He was honestly one of the hardest ones not to talk to about everything that was going on. All you wanted to do was confide in him about how you were feeling and have him tell you that it was going to be okay. But he was already so busy with running the team and raising Jack that you couldn’t add your problems to his life too.

“Ok. Just know that we all miss having you around more outside of working cases.”

You just sighed and you both went back to look at your cases.

--

It had taken you and the team 2 days to track down the killer and apprehend him. As you began to take the pictures down and put them into the boxes you phone began to ring. Your heart began to race when you saw that it was Alice calling. There was no one else in the conference room with you, so you subtly closed the door and you answered the call. You didn’t realize that Hotch had noticed the change in your demeanor as he watched you through the window and made his way over to the room.

“Alice what’s happened?” you question because it was late and there was no way that she was calling you with good news.

“I was running a little late tonight and I guess your mom got impatient and tried to go up the stairs by herself, but her leg gave out and she fell down the stairs. I’m so sorry Y/N.”

You felt the earth shift beneath you as you grabbed the back of a chair to steady yourself. You didn’t hear Hotch come into the room when you went to answer.

“Is she okay?” you asked as your voice broke a little.

“They’re not sure, we’re in the ambulance now on the way to the hospital. She was unconscious when I got there, and I don’t know how long it had been before I arrived.” She answered frantically.

“Okay, keep me updated with what they say. We just finished here so I’ll be flying back tonight so text me which hospital you are going to and I’ll meet you there after I land.” You spoke calmly as a single tear rolled down your face.

“Okay I will. I’m so sorry Y/N, I should have gotten there sooner but my other patient didn’t want to take her night meds so I had to- ”

“It’s okay Alice,” you began as you interrupted her and took a deep breath. “It’s not your fault. She’s stubborn and we’ve been fighting her on this for a while. All we can do now is wait and hope for good results.”

“Okay you’re right. I’ll text you any updates and I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Thank you.” Was the only responds you could give before hanging up and letting the tears fall.

“Y/N” you heard Hotch speak up behind you

“Oh, hey I’m just finishing up in here and we should be good to go soon.” You spoke trying to even out your tone and casually wipe the tears from your face before turning around. You didn’t know how long he’d been in the room but judging from the furrowed brow and the concern in his eyes you knew he’d at least heard some of your phone call.

“Please tell me what’s going on.” He spoke softly as he stepped closer to you.

“That was my mom’s nurse, she fell at home and they’re taking her to the hospital now.” You managed to get out.

“Nurse?” He asked clearly confused

You just shook your head “It’s a long story.” You said as the tears began to fall.

Hotch brought you into his chest and wrapped his arms around you. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. We’ll get you home and it’ll be okay.” he whispered into your ear as he gently rubbed his hands up and down your back.

The rest of the team watch this exchange through the open window, and you were met with curious looks as you walked out of the conference room with tear stained eyes. You knew you finally had to tell them.

--

“So basically, the last few months they’ve just been trying her on different medications to try and ease her pain but her fall tonight could be a big setback if she recovers from it.” You spoke quietly while the team sat around you on the plane. You sat next to Hotch and while you two weren’t explicitly touching his leg was pressing into yours and the warmth from him beside you was a comfort.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell us that this was happening?” Derek questioned quietly.

You just let out a deep sigh, “I’ve always handled things on my own and I didn’t want to burden you guys with my family problems.” You stared at your hands instead of looking at any of the concerned faces around you.

“But you are a part of our family Y/N, we would have been there for you.” Rossi spoke up after a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at sharing.” You let out a strained laugh trying to lighten the mood, but everyone just remained quiet. “I didn’t mean to hurt you guys by pushing you away, I thought I was doing what was best.” More tears began to fall, and you hated being this vulnerable in front of everyone, but you didn’t have the energy to hide it anymore. These last few months had been really hard for you.

“What’s best is you not trying to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders when you have all of us here to help carry it for you.” JJ said while reaching across the table to grab your hand.

“Thank you” was all you could manage to say before the plane fell silent again, the emotions in the air too heavy.

“I think we should let Y/N get some sleep before we land.” Hotch spoke after a while and everyone dispersed to their respect spots on the plane to rest too.

Hotch began to stand up too but you reached for his hand.

“Please stay.” You spoke quietly as a soft smile spread on his face.

“I’ll be right back; I was just going to make you some tea.”

“Oh, thank you.” You felt a small blush on your cheeks as he walked away.

You were asleep before he got back.

--

You felt a small nudge and immediately opened your eyes. You were pulled into Hotch’s side with his arm around you and your head resting on his chest. You leaned your head back to see Hotch looking down at you.

“Hey, we’re landing soon.” he whispered to you before he went back to looking over other case files.

“Aaron?” you ask softly not wanting to break this intimate bubble you two had at the moment.

“Mhm?” was his only response

“Thank you” you moved your head back down and snuggled closer into his side. He just softly kissed the top of your head.

The plane landed shortly after that and you made your way to the hospital. Alice immediately made her way to you when you walked in.

“She’s still in surgery. She has a broken leg and some bleeding in her brain but from the last update they sounded hopeful.” She stated all in one breath and not meeting your eyes.

“Thank you, Alice, for staying but you should go home and get some rest now that I’m here.” You gave her a soft smile.

“Okay, text me any updates.” She said while gathering her things

“I will.” You answered softly but all you could think about were the words “bleeding” and “brain”.

You heard a soft “excuse me” come from her as she walked out of the small private waiting room, but you didn’t look up as she left.

“How is she?” you head a familiar male voice ask from behind you and you spun around.

“Aaron?” I guess you shouldn’t have been surprised but you guys had just gotten back from a long case and you were sure Hotch was dying to see Jack so you wouldn’t have even thought to ask him to go to the hospital with you instead of seeing his son.

“After everything we said on the plane you didn’t think we’d let you go through this alone right?” he spoke as he came closer to you.

“We?” was all you managed to say before the rest of the team came in, including Penelope.

“Seriously Y/N, we just talked about how we’re here for you.” Emily spoke as she came to your side.

“I know but we just got home and y’all are probably tired, so I didn’t want to ask any of you to stay here in a hospital for who knows how long.” A single tear rolled down your cheek because you felt so damn loved by these 7 people.

“We all got a little sleep on the plane and there’s nowhere else any of us would rather be right now.” JJ spoke from in front of you as the team had gathered into a circle in the middle of the waiting room.

“Any updates?” Spencer spoke up after a minute.

“Yes, Alice was here and said that she was in surgery. She broke her leg and I guess there was some ble-” your breath caught in your throat as you began to really digest the information, Hotch grabbed your hand and lightly squeezed it as you took a deep breath before continuing, “um some bleeding in her brain but I don’t know how recent that was.” You finished while trying to keep the tears that threaten to reappear from falling.

“I’m on it!” Garcia said while stepping away to go track down some poor nurse.

“I’m going to go with her, so she doesn’t get kicked out of the hospital.” Morgan said before following her out.

The room fell silent again as you looked up at Aaron, who was still holding your hand, and he used his other hand to brush some hair out of your face. The two of you just stood there looking into each other’s eyes before you heard Rossi clear his throat. You broke the eye contact and looked towards the floor with a blush. Your hand stayed firmly in his though.

“Emily and JJ do you think you could find some coffee for everyone?” They both nodded, looking at the two of you with soft smiles before leaving. “Reid and I will go find snacks.”

“I’d actually like to stay here to hear what the doctor says.” Reid responded, not understanding that Dave was actually trying to give the two of you some privacy. Dave just sighed.

“Then go find Garcia and learn what you can.” He said while lightly shoving him out of the room. After he got Spencer out, her turned in the doorway.

“I approve of this.” He said while winking and pointing between the two of you causing you to blush even harder and step away from Aaron.

You made your way to one of the two-person bench seats and Hotch sat beside you. He place his arm behind you and you snuggled into his side, still exhausted from the case and travel you closed your eyes and focused on the sound of Hotch’s heartbeat.

You both stayed there for several minutes and Aaron probably thought you had fallen asleep when he pressed a kiss to the top of your head and spoke so softly you weren’t actually sure he had spoken.

“I love you Y/N.”

[herohotline]

Can we have a Shigaraki x male s/o? The s/o is a doctor and when he sees Shigaraki he just goes into doctor mode? Can... can that be a thing, please?

A/N: (cracks my knuckles) let’s DO THIS BABY!!! good request!!! Also i went OFF this is sort of long hhgjfgjg

Pairing: Shigaraki / Male!Reader

Minor spoiler: if you don’t know who those gross gray hands belong to that are all over Tomura, specifically the one on his face, this story kind of gives it away in a single sentence.

Word count: 2,160

Working as a local town physician- or a quack, some people gleefully called you- had its benefits. You got to know your patients interpersonally, offer them better deals than an upstate doctor would, and you got to have multiple days off. You were your own boss and you liked that. 

But it had disadvantages as well. Like, say, getting caught up with the League of Villians. 

Now keep in mind that you never intended to be their somewhat personal care doctor. When you see a person hurting, you help them- you do it because you have the ability and you want to make a difference in any way you can. So when a wounded man with multiple bullet holes in his body comes to your back alley, yes, you hurry them in and stitch them up. 

Said man was Shigaraki, though at first, he refused to give you a name. It took a long time of him reluctantly squirming his way back into your office before he gave you any sort of personal details, including his name. He never explained how he got so many wounds, but to be fair, you never asked. 

And then you watched the news and realized that, oh, you recognized that blue hair and shaggy clothes, that man in the suit with the double personality, that teenage girl who was always so interested in how you took blood samples- you knew them. You had been helping the League of Villians. 

That alone should have made you run off. Surely helping a bunch of terrorists was illegal? You should pack your bags, move your shop as far as you can, or just quit medical practice in general. 

But you didn’t. Why? Well… You felt obligated them, in a weird sort of way. They showed themselves to you- their real selves. They never wore masks- or hands- in front of you. If you wanted, you could turn them in at any moment since you knew such explicit details about them. 

Though you never quite make it to the police station- in fact, you never even try. They’re awful people, but these awful people have put their trust in you. Maybe they did it because they thought you were stupid and gullible, and that might be true! Even so, you refuse to stab them in the back. 

Said group hadn’t come to your office recently though. It made you worry since now that you knew who they were, you kept tabs on their activity and things had been… silent. Was something wrong?

Drama has a way of finding you, so right as you’re looking out the window and biting your nails, the back door which they always enter through opens. Your head snaps back to see Shigaraki, his clothes visibly darker than usual and a limp in his step. He looks exhausted and pissed off, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Sit,” you cut to the chase and point to the chair in your office. He doesn’t bother biting back like he usually does- instead he just falls against the chair with a huff and starts to remove his shirt. You wince when you see the slashes and burns. 

Immediately getting to work, you crouch down beside him, placing your hands on his abdomen and concentrating. Your quirk helps you greatly with medical practice- once you place your palms on a living being, their body relaxes and numbs to a certain degree. It helps you do procedures and stitches pain-free, which is wonderful. Once you can tell your quirk has spread throughout Shigaraki’s body, you grab burning ointment, stitches, alcohol and other such things and then get to work silently. 

But, as always, you break the silence. “Where are the others?” You ask him quietly, still paying attention to his abdomen and rubbing cream around the burns. 

Shigaraki laughs. “Didn’t want to come.” Your brows furrow worriedly at his reply. 

“Are they alright?”

“…They’re fine,” he rolls his eyes and keeps his eyes strictly away from you. You’re not exactly satisfied with his reply- but when are you ever? He’s a secretive and touchy guy. 

“You know, I’ve always wondered…” You take his arm in your hand, looking at the gash in his bicep with a critical eye. “Why you never wear those hands when you come into my office. Was it so I wouldn’t figure out who you were?” 

Shigaraki finally looks at you then, his eyes wide in surprise. You purse your lips and sigh through your nose, continuing to work. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am… You’re all over the news.”

“How long have you known?” His look turns into a hateful glare. You’re not surprised.

“A few months.”

“You’re still helping us. You haven’t turned us in.”

“Correct.”

“Why?” Again, this is a question that’s on your mind fairly frequently. And honestly, it’s one that you haven’t ever truthfully answered. You look up at Shigaraki with a gentle gaze, stopping your hands from stitching up his wounds.

Should you be honest? Would it really get you anywhere?

“I care about all of you,” you say, pursing your lips and looking back at his bruised body. “I don’t understand what you’re all doing, and I don’t like it either. But I can’t just let you die, either… I care about you, whether I like it or not.” 

He doesn’t say anything after that and neither do you. The office is a dead quiet as you finish up taking care of his wounds, and even after that, it’s quiet as you give him painkillers and lead him to the door. Maybe you shouldn’t have said anything. 

—

“Let’s make an agreement.”

Shigaraki announces to the League, the rusty old motel that they stay at basically creaking in the silence. “The doctor is our ally- but he won’t get caught up in the aftermath. We mention him to nobody, we confess his help to nobody. He is an ally, but he is nothing more than that and no one needs to know.”

His red eyes glare at the members through the spaces of his father’s fingers resting against his face. “Is that clear?” 

And surprisingly, it is. “I don’t want ___ to get in trouble over us,” Toga frowns, her blade spinning in her hand. 

“He’s too pure to get caught up!” Twice shrieks before shrinking down in doubt. “I guess?”

“Then it’s agreed,” Shigaraki looks at Dabi and the others who offer nothing but silent agreement. He nods his head with a (satisfied) sigh. “The doctor officially owes nothing to the League.”

—

The months continue and life goes on- you take care of your patients, watch awful TV shows, kick back with some greasy food, and take care of your patients some more. There’s always an edge- relaxing is hard when you know that you’re basically a criminal harboring feelings for a bunch of villains, but nonetheless, things keep moving forward and no one’s put you behind bars yet. 

Yet.

Your heart races when policemen stop by your clinic, knocking politely on your door with focused glares as they enter. You act like nothings wrong, you act confused- you do what you need to do to protect yourself and the League. 

“I’m sorry, what are you doing here? Does someone need my help?”

“No, sir,” a cat officer sniffs the air. It makes you nervous- but what could his nose possibly find? You do a deep clean of your office every week and the League hasn’t been by since your last one. 

Your heart races anyway. 

“We’ve been tipped by a few people living in the area that they’ve seen shady people around. Would you happen to know anything about that?” Another officer pulls out a pen and pad. You pretend not to notice. 

“Well, it’s hard to say. There’s always someone that looks a little shady around… The other day I thought someone was going to rob me, honestly, but it was just a poorly dressed old man looking for his keys.” This, unfortunately, was true. “Could you be a bit more specific?”

The cat officer continues to make his way around your office and you look at him with a glare. Just parading around the waiting room is fine, but if he tries to go anywhere else, you know your rights and you know they need a permit. “Well,” the officer stops once he notices your glare, “I don’t want to alarm you, but apparently the League of Villians has been spotted around your clinic.”

“The League of Villians?” You looked at him shocked. And then you frown, “my clinic? People are saying that terrorists are visiting my clinic?” 

“That’s just what people have told us, sir.”

“Well, they’re wrong. You don’t think I’d notice people like that in my area?” You scoff and cross your arms together. “Believe me, if they entered my clinic you’d get a call from me. I would tell the police right away if I saw anything like that.” You hum under your breath and look to the floor. “But if those rumors are going around… do you really think they’re nearby?”

The other officer walks toward you and places a comforting hand on your shoulder. “We didn’t mean to offend you, we’re just going off of a few tips from passerby’s. But there’s enough of them to grow wary… If I were you, I’d start closing up the clinic early and locking your doors.” He looks down at you worriedly. “You don’t want to accidentally come across them.”

Too late, you think, but you nod at him with a solemn expression. “Of course. Sorry I was defensive… It’s just scary. Thank you for the warning.”

The cat officer and his partner gather up at the door, giving you a respectful bow. “Of course. We’ll continue to patrol the area.” With that, they leave and you finally let yourself collapse against one of the chairs in the waiting room. 

Your heart beats frantically in your chest as you begin to sweat from anxiety. Oh God, oh God. People have seen them? When? How? You were so careful..!

What are you doing to do?

—

“You need to leave.”

It’s the first thing you say when the door opens. It’s once again only Shigaraki- you don’t know if that’s better or worse than the others being here as you break the news. 

“What?”

“You can’t… You can’t come here anymore. I had policemen visit my clinic today. Apparently, people have seen you in the alleys and they’re starting to look for you.” You grab a bag that you’ve put together that’s full of medical drugs and supplies. “If you keep coming, they’re going to trace your movements and find your base. You need to stay away, Shigaraki.” 

The villain- the villain which you’ve been unintentionally falling for since the moment you met him- actually looks upset. For the first time in your life, you see real emotion. And it hurts so bad that this is the emotion you get to see. “The police were here…?” He blinks several times as he lets the information sink in. You watch him sadly, placing the paper bag in his hands gently. You notice how he gingerly takes it, keeping several fingers away from it so it doesn’t disintegrate. “What did you say?”

“Don’t ask me that,” you scowl at him. “Do you really think I would sell you out?”

Shigaraki winces, biting his lip nervously and lifting a hand to scratch his neck. You quickly catch it, not missing how he jumps from your touch. “Don’t do that,” you sigh. 

“…I need to go,” he whispers, but he looks like he wants to do anything but. He keeps staring at your hand that’s so innocently grabbing his- acting as if you aren’t holding something that could kill you in a mere moment. 

“I know.” You reluctantly let go. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because I won’t be able to help you anymore. At least not for a long time.” You gesture to the bag in his hands. “That should be enough… but you get hurt so often, it probably won’t be…” 

It’s that dreadful quiet again, the same kind when you confessed that you actually cared for his group of no good nobodies. You hate it- you don’t want it to be the last thing you feel around him, so you throw caution to the wind and wrap your arms around him. 

“Be careful, Shigaraki,” you whisper, grasping him tightly. Your heart leaps in your throat when you feel two careful fingers press on your back- the closest you can get to a hug back. 

And then he leaves, for the last time. It’s quiet again, despite your heart pounding in your ears. This is for the better, you know that, so why does it still hurt so much to let him go?

You don’t want to let him go.

[rpf-bat]

To Join The Black Parade

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: Written for Gothtober 2020, Day 11. Prompt: “Death Parade”.

You receive an unexpected phone call, from your old friend Gerard. He asks you if you’d like to play a role, in the upcoming music video, for ‘Welcome To The Black Parade’. But, when he sees you on set, something comes over him, that neither of you ever expected. 

You sat in the studio, in front of a blank canvas. You glanced up at the diploma, hanging in on the wall, in the corner. It was proof that you had graduated from SVA, with a Bachelor of Fine Arts. But, despite being certifiably good at art (on paper), you still felt like an impostor, on days like this, when you had no inspiration at all. 

Your brush hovered over the empty white space, when, suddenly, you were interrupted, by the sound of the phone ringing. As soon as you saw who was calling, your expression brightened. 

“Hi, Y/N,” greeted the familiar voice of Gerard Way. Simply hearing your old friend speak, was enough to make your spirits, instantly lift. 

“Hi, Gee,” you smiled, moving the phone closer to your ear. “How have you been?”

Even though you talked on the phone all the time, you hadn’t seen him in person, since last summer. He had briefly returned to New Jersey, to play a Warped Tour gig. You’d hung out with him afterwards, backstage. It had been so fun - and yet, so fleeting. 

“I’ve been good,” Gerard replied jovially. “I’m sorry for calling you so early, though.” 

“It’s not early,” you chuckled. “It’s like, eleven o’clock.”

“Well, here, it’s only eight,” Gerard reminded you. 

The East Coast was no longer his home base. He had moved to Los Angeles, a few years ago, when his band started to take off. This put him in the Pacific time zone, three hours behind you. 

“How’s California treating you?” you asked. “Still staying in that weird haunted house?”

“Nah, we’re done recording the album now,” Gerard updated you. “We’re actually getting ready to film the music video, that’s gonna go with the lead single.”

“Oh, cool!” you said, interested. “What’s the single’s title?”

“It’s called ‘Welcome To The Black Parade’,” Gerard revealed cryptically. 

“What’s the Black Parade?” you asked curiously. 

“I have this concept for the video - well, for the whole album, really,” Gerard explained. “This guy is like, dying of cancer, and Death comes for him, in the form of his favorite childhood memory.” 

“The memory is….a parade?” you guessed.

“That’s right!”, Gerard confirmed. “I kind of based it off, like, when my dad would take me and Mikey into the city, at Thanksgiving time, to see the Macy’s parade.” 

“Oh, of course,” you nodded. As a fellow New Jersey native, only a ferry-ride away from the Big Apple, you had grown up going to the parade every autumn, too. 

“So, this whole, like, procession of marchers, is gonna welcome The Patient into the afterlife,” Gerard went on. 

“That sounds amazing,” you said honestly. “I can’t wait to see the video, when it’s finished.”

“That’s actually what I was calling you about,” Gerard confessed slyly. “We’re gonna have a lot of extras in this video shoot. Like I said, a whole parade of people. I was wondering, if you might want to be in it?”

“You want me to be in the music video?”, you repeated, eyes wide.

“Yeah,” Gerard grinned. “I just thought, it would be really nice, to see you again, and have you be a part of this whole art project with me.”

Art project. That was one way to describe it. Gerard was a big Hollywood star now, with fans all over the globe. But, he still talked about the album his band was working on, in the same way, that he used to talk to you about the comics he wanted to write. Deep down, he was still the same storyteller that you used to see in class every day.

“Gerard, I would love to,” you accepted the offer, immediately. “I’ve missed you. It’s going to be so great, to hang out again.” 

“I can’t wait,” Gerard said happily. “Don’t even worry about the airfare, I can get the label to fly you out.” 

“Thank you,” you said giddily. You couldn’t wait to see your old friend again.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The flight to Los Angeles was long, but uneventful, and the day of the video shoot, arrived before you knew it. You gasped, when you walked in, and saw the set. There was a huge parade float, surrounded by a desolate, gray landscape. You wondered how long it had taken the set designers to put it together. You felt nervous, as you watched the other extras milling about, most of them already in costume. 

They’re real actors, you thought anxiously. I’m just some random person. 

Your nerves eased, as soon as you heard a voice behind you. 

“Y/N, you made it!” Gerard said delightedly. You turned to face him. 

“Whoa!” you gasped. “Your hair!” 

“I know, it’s a big change,” Gerard laughed, running his hand through his short-cropped, bleach-blonde locks. Last time you had seen him, his hair had been dark, and down to his shoulders. 

“What do you think?” he asked, seemingly a little self-conscious. 

“It’s very different,” you said honestly, “But, I like it. A new look, to signify a new era!” 

“Exactly,” Gerard nodded. “See, I knew you would get it….I gotta tell the guys you’re here. They’re gonna be psyched, to see you again.” 

“I’m psyched to see Mikey, and Frankie, and Toro again, too,” you grinned. They were all old friends of yours. 

“Oh, but first, I gotta introduce you to the director,” Gerard remembered. “His name’s Samuel Bayer. He’s amazing - he’s the same guy that directed the music video for ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’, back in the day.”

“No way!” you gasped. ‘Bullet’ was your favorite Smashing Pumpkins song. 

“I know, right?” Gerard grinned. “And just last year, he did some really cool videos with Green Day, like ‘American Idiot’. I’m so happy that we were able to get him to work with us, on this video. I think it’s going to be amazing.” 

“You’re such a flatterer, Gerard,” said a dark-haired man, walking over to you. “Hi, I’m Samuel.” 

“Hi, I’m Y/N,” you introduced yourself, shaking the director’s hand. 

“I heard you’re an SVA grad, too, right?” Samuel smiled.

“Yeah, Gerard and I both graduated in ‘99,” you nodded. “You went, there, too?”

“Yeah, I was in the class of ‘87,” Samuel explained. 

“Wow...small world.” 

“For sure,” Samuel laughed. “Anyway, Y/N, are you ready to get changed into your costume?”

“What am I going to wear?” you wondered. 

“Oh, you’re going to love it,” Gerard gushed. “We had Colleen Atwood design all the costumes for us. She’s incredible.”

“She’s the same lady, who designed the costumes for Edward Scissorhands,” Samuel added informatively.

“Whoa,” you gaped. This really was an all-star film crew. Did you really belong here? 

“Here’s your outfit,” Samuel smiled, handing you in the garment bag. “Go ahead and get changed, we’ll meet you back here in five.” 

“O-okay,” you gulped, suddenly unsure, if you could pull the role off - no matter how small it was. 

“Don’t worry,” Gerard assured you. “I know you better than anyone, Y/N. I’m sure you’ll do great.” 

“Thanks,” you said softly, calmed by his words. 

“I have to go fake-sing for the camera,” Gerard chuckled. “I’ll see you soon.”

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You took the garment bag into the bathroom, unzipping it, to reveal the costume inside. 

The jacket, you noticed, was black, with a marching band style collar - pretty similar to what Gerard was wearing, when you walked in. The only difference was that yours was sleeveless. Instead of pants, your jacket was paired with a black skirt. 

You hesitantly changed into the outfit. You flushed, when you looked at yourself in the mirror. The skirt was short - almost too short. 

You didn’t wear things like this very often. You constantly got paint on your clothes, so you never wanted to wear anything too fancy. It would just get ruined. Most of the time, you could be found in oversized sweaters, and ratty jeans. 

I can’t refuse to wear it, though, you told yourself. Even if it feels kind of uncomfortable….Gerard spent a lot of time and money to bring me out here. The least I can do, is play my role, without complaining. 

You walked back onto the set, your legs feeling cold and exposed. Gerard and the band had just wrapped a scene on the float, miming playing their instruments. 

“Cut!” Samuel called. “Okay, I think that was a good take!” 

Done with his part, Gerard strolled back over to you.

“.....Wow,” he gaped when he laid eyes on you, his eyes widening. 

“Wow, what?” you blinked, feeling self-conscious. 

“Wow, you look amazing,” Gerard said, blushing. “I...I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear something like this before.” 

“Oh, you think it suits me?” you asked hesitantly. You hadn’t expected this reaction. 

“Absolutely,” Gerard complimented. “Have you been...working out?”

“Oh, you mean, my legs?” you realized, blushing. “Yeah, I’ve been jogging a lot…” 

He stared at your uncovered thighs, making your cheeks turn hot. 

“Ah, there’s my Fear!” Samuel smiled, walking over to you. 

“Fear?” you repeated, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yes, you’ll be playing the role of Fear,” Samuel explained, “and this young lady here, will be playing Regret.”

He indicated a petite actress, whose costume was identical to yours. “Regret” gave you a friendly wave. 

“As soon as you’re done in the makeup chair, you ladies can do your scene with Lukas,” Samuel directed. 

“Who’s Lukas?” you asked. 

“Lukas Haas is playing The Patient,” Gerard explained. “He’s a great actor.”

“Oh, our main character,” you nodded. “Ok, I guess I better head over there!”

You were surprised, how Gerard’s eyes seemed to follow you, as you walked away. It was almost as if he didn’t want you to leave his side. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

“Ok, we’re going to start moving the parade float forward!” Samuel announced. “Processioners, I need you to start walking forward, beside it, okay?” 

You stood in line, and at his signal, you and the rest of the ‘parade’ began to march forward, towards the camera. You tried not to glance up too obviously at Gerard, who was standing on top of the float, beside you. The guys were up there with him, in matching marching band jackets. You had to admit, it was a striking look.

Lukas stumbled towards the front of the parade, wearing his hospital gown and slippers. He looked confused, and sad - a befitting expression, for a character, who was supposed to be newly deceased. 

“Ok, cut!” Samuel called out. “Gerard, you’re going to lean over the side of the float, and put the medal on Lukas, okay?”

“Ok,” Gerard nodded, dangling a military-ish cross on a chain. “Like this?” 

“Perfect,” Samuel praised. “Now, I need my Fear and Regret, to come stand on either side of Lukas, okay?”

“R-Right,” you stammered, moving to the spot on Lukas’ right that Samuel was pointing at. 

“Now, Fear and Regret are going to kiss The Patient on the cheek,” Samuel explained. 

“They’re what?” Gerard frowned, his expression turning suddenly sour. 

“It’s in the script,” Samuel reminded him. 

“Just on the cheek?” you clarified. 

“Yeah,” Regret confirmed. “You do one, and I’ll lean in, and do the other, at the same time.”

“Oh, okay,” you shrugged. “I can do that.” 

Sure, it felt a little awkward, since you’d just met Lukas twenty minutes ago. But, at least it wasn’t on the mouth, or anything. 

Samuel signaled for the camera man to start filming again, and you leaned over, in sync with Regret, and planted a peck on the actor’s face.

“Cut!” Samuel shouted. “Ladies, I’m sorry, I need you to do that again.”

“Why?!” Gerard demanded. “I thought that take was fine.”

“Because you were making a face in the background,” Samuel groaned.

“N-No I wasn’t!” Gerard denied, blushing. 

“You were,” Samuel insisted. “You’re supposed to have a neutral expression, and be looking at the camera. But, you were looking down at them instead.” 

“You were pouting, dude,” Frank teased. “Come on, let’s try it again.” 

You repeated the take, leaning over, and kissing Lukas’ cheek again. 

“Cut!” Samuel called again, looking frustrated. “Gerard, the rest of the band was looking at the camera just fine. You’re still staring downwards, with that surly expression.”

“I’m not surly,” Geraed argued. “I was making a totally normal face.”

“No, he’s right,” Mikey shook his head. “You weren’t looking, where you were supposed to look at all.” 

“Let’s give it one more try,” Gerard sighed. “I promise, I’ll get it right this time.” 

I hope so, you thought with a frown. How many times, am I going to have to put my lips on this guy’s face today?

“You know what,” Samuel shrugged, “why don’t we just take a break for lunch, and try again in thirty?”

This was fine with you - you were already bored, with the repetition. You wished you knew what was throwing Gerard off. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You found Gerard by the craft services table, listlessly eating a handful of Cheetos.

“Are you okay?” you asked him softly, as you filled your own plate with snacks. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Gerard insisted. “Don’t worry about me.”

“What is it that you’re having trouble with?” you wondered. “I mean, all you’re doing in that scene, is standing still up there, right?”

“Yeah, it shouldn’t be this hard,” Gerard frowned. “I don’t know….something about watching you plant one on Lukas, is just getting on my nerves.” 

“Why’s that?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I….I don’t know,” Gerard blushed. “I just don’t want you touching him, for some reason.” 

“You’re the one, who called me, and asked me to play this specific role,” you reminded him. 

“I know I did,” Gerard acknowledged. “I just….I didn’t think it would bother me this much.”

“Why does it bother you?” you asked. “Like, what is it that goes through your head, when you see me do that?” 

“I guess I feel…..jealous,” Gerard admitted shyly, dropping his voice, so only you would hear. 

“.....Jealous?” you repeated, heart pounding. What was he saying?

Gerard’s whole face turned red, and he stared downwards, suddenly very interested in his shoes.

“....Gee,” you whispered, touching his arm. “Look at me...are you telling me, that you wish, I was kissing your cheek, instead?” 

You two had been friends for almost a decade now, but he had never made a move on you, or given you any indication that he desired anything more, than a platonic relationship. But….the truth was, you’d always found him incredibly handsome.

Gerard’s hazel eyes glanced up, hesitantly meeting yours. 

“As soon as I saw you walk out here, in that skirt,” Gerard confessed, his voice soft and husky, “I wanted to kiss you, on far more, than just your cheeks.” 

“....You want to kiss me on the mouth?” you realized, your face and body going suddenly so hot.

“God help me, I do,” Gerard breathed. 

“.....Do it,” you said breathlessly. Secretly, you’d wanted this, for years. 

“But, there’s people all around us!” Gerard said shyly. 

You looked up, and saw that he was right. Actors and actresses were starting to form a line around the table, eager to grab food to snack on. 

“.....Come with me,” you said impulsively, and dragged him by the arm, into the powder room, where you’d gotten changed earlier. 

“Y-Y/N, what are you doing?” Gerard stammered. “This is the girls’ room…..I’m not supposed to be in here….I don’t want to get caught….” 

“Then be real quiet, then,” you shushed him, and pulled him in for a searing kiss. 

His shyness seemed to melt away, as his lips crashed into yours. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tighter, as the kiss deepened. 

“....Gee!” you gasped, coming up for air. You never saw this coming from him. 

“Y/N, I want to make you mine,” Gerard panted, eager to taste your lips again. “Mine, and mine alone.” 

You kissed him again. Your hands twisted into his newly short hair. You’d wanted this forever, but you never expected it to actually happen. He tasted so sweet, and his touch was so startlingly possessive. 

“Honey,” you purred, grabbing him by his jacket collar, “I’m already yours.”

[barsformars]

reaction: dating an older female s/o; ateez

req: Hello baby, can I ask you for an ateez reaction (99 liner to 2000 line) when someone tells their girlfriend(s) that they’re too old for them (she is 98 liner)

a/n: the way i squealed internally just because anon called me baby is just downright embarassing jdjdjdjdj anyways dear anon i changed it a little and didn't specify the age difference since everyone has a different idea of what's 'too old' and I wanted to include hwa & joong as well,, hope you don't mind! 🥰

Seonghwa

Due to his image, fans were so certain that he would never go for a girl that was older than he was so the news of you dating him came as a shock to everyone. As you had expected, the comments and tweets you were being tagged in were less than pleasant, most of them targeting your age.

'ew why is seonghwa dating an old hag'

'seonghwa honey, you can do better......'

When you showed those comments to Seonghwa, he would just pull you down to sit on his lap and take your phone away from you, reporting each and every post that made you feel like you were less worthy of his love.

"I don't care what they say, babe. besides, they don't know how cute you are. I feel like the true old hag in this relationship."

Hongjoong

Hongjoong had brought you back home for a family gathering when one of his younger long distance relative had started talking to you informally assuming that you were definitely going to be younger than Hongjoong. When Hongjoong had told his relative that you were actually older than the both of them, his relative had commented, "oh damn bro, why did you go for an older girl?" before swiftly leaving your side to catch up with other relatives. he had said it like it meant nothing but you couldn't stop thinking about it the whole night.

"What Minjoon said is still bothering you?" Hongjoong asked, sitting on the edge of your shared bed watching you undress for a shower.

"Unfortunately, yes. Does my age not bother you?"

"Not at all. And I think I feel more comfortable being myself because you're older, I know you can embrace all sides of me"

Yunho

When you had confessed to your sister that you were dating Yunho, she had frowned and remarked, "You're too old for him!He's going to cheat on you with a younger girl one day if he isn't already...." You didn't think that your own sister would be so unsupportive of your relationship with Yunho and ended up crying to him about it.

"Do you think I'm too old for you? Or I'm not 'fresh' and 'exciting' like younger girls are?"

"Do you think I'm too young for you? Or I'm not 'reliable' and 'mature' like older guys are?" Yunho had asked back, wiping your tears away with his thumb.

"No.....you're a lot more reliable and mature than most guys my age."

"There you go! Age is just a number, sweetheart. It doesn't mean anything to me."

Yeosang

You and your friends were out for lunch when the topic of significant others came up so you revealed that you were dating Yeosang. Maybe it was out of jealousy (knowing that they found him very attractive) but they started saying things like "oh come on, we girls should always go for older men unless we have the money for botox"

when you had returned to your shared apartment to yeosang doing a face mask, you couldn't help but start ranting about what your friends had said and asking if he didn't like that you were older.

yeosang would laugh and tease you in an attempt to make it less serious, "honestly a fair point brought up by them.....but that fact wouldn't change even if you were 10 years younger. But that's also only because I'm Kang Yeosang so.....what's the actual problem here, love?"

San

Just like Seonghwa, many fans thought that he would go for a younger girl because of how much he likes to take care of others. So similarly, when the dating news came out, many immature fans had left hateful comments towards your age.

What they didn't know was that San had been dressing to look older than he actually is more often nowadays because he was dating you. He knew people would have a lot to say about you being older so he thought that if he looked older, people wouldn't notice as much. "Many fans have been saying I look a lot hotter though, who's complaining?"

"you really don't mind me being older?"

"It's a little too late to be asking this question, isn't it?"

Mingi

Mingi had brought you to his high school reunion only for you to find out that you were the oldest there, even among all his classmates' significant others. Being a little shy and reserved, you sat beside Mingi in silence as everyone else joked around. This led to one of his friends, who was a little tipsy, to say to Mingi, "She's too old for you, Mingi. She's no fun at all...."

When Mingi had turned to look at you and realised you were a little hurt but that comment, he stood up for you.

"Really, you think so? I enjoy spending time with her more than I do with you though."

He grabbed your hand and stood up from his seat, announcing that he was going to leave then. You felt a little bad since it wasn't often that Mingi could meet his friends but he made sure to reassure you that nothing mattered more than your comfort.

"Are you lying when you say I'm fun to be around with? I know sometimes I don't get your jokes an-"

"I don't care whether you're older or younger, babe. So what if you don't get some of my jokes? We can always laugh about other things."

Wooyoung

After you introduced Wooyoung to your parents, your parents had been telling you every single day that you should break up with him because you were 'too old' for him and that it's not 'normal' for girls to date younger men. After sharing your concerns with him, Wooyoung was so confused.

"Ok first of all, that's such an old way of thinking. Secondly, why should you break up with me? Is there a problem? I don't know, the only problem is that you have a higher chance of dying first and leaving me behind and that's saddening if I must be honest.....no but really y/n, please don't break up with me just because of your age, that's such a pity."

Jongho

'jongho's not even 20 yet and some old ass is already trying to date him WHAT that's gross'

'idk about you but im so disturbed by the fact that's jongho's girlfriend is older than him, he's literally still a kid....'

'she couldn't even wait till he turns 21 at least?"

Those were some of the comments that you had seen under the article about you and Jongho confirming your dating news and they had affected you more than you had expected. You knew that Jongho didn't mind you being older but you were worried about what people would think of you. Was it really that bad?

When Jongho noticed how you kept scrolling through the comments and frowning, he would tell you that there was nothing wrong and that you shouldn't care so much about what others thought about you.

"I was the one who flirted first, remember? And I was already considered an adult in Korea then so you literally did nothing wrong, y/n."

[restlessmaknae]

measure of life

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

♦ Characters: uni student!Jin x uni student!OC (Luda)

♦ Genre: psychological, drama, angst, slice of life

♦ Words: 14k

♦ Warning: this story will be about the OC’s eating disorder - specifically anorexia - evolving and her fight with it, so even though there are no numbers mentioned here, eating disorder habits (calorie counting, weighing oneself, hiding in baggy clothes, lying etc) will be mentioned, so please, if you are easily triggered by the topic, do not read the story!

♦ A/N: Although there are fictional parts, a lot of scenes are inspired by my own life since I’ve also been dealing with anorexia myself, but I’ve been in recovery for three years and I’m better than ever! Therefore, I felt like I could do justice to my journey only if I finished writing this story that I started when I was diagnosed. If you or anyone suffer from an eating disorder, please, reach out for help! It will get better, I promise! My ask box is also always open! 💖

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? What do you see? Fat? What about your waistline? Is it correct? Do you think it should look like this? Do you think you should look like this?

They always say that you are not enough. You are not skinny enough. To be precise, you are not skinny. Who has ever told you that you are? No one? That’s right. That’s because nobody would like to lie to you. They would rather let it slide because they don’t want to hurt you.

Are you okay with that? Are you okay with how do you look? No? Then, change! After all, Jaejun even left you because you weren’t skinny. Or at least, not as skinny as your best friend. Or ex-best friend. 

Comparing, hah? What a nasty word! Still, it hurts, doesn’t it? You always knew that she was skinnier than you, she was always more beautiful than you and she was even praised for her pretty features. People even begged her to eat more when you just sat there staring blankly at your empty plate and wondered why nobody had asked you to do the same. Apparently, you never needed those extra calories because everyone knew that you would get fat. They were the ones who couldn’t. There were always people like your best friend who couldn’t gain a single pound even if they ate three times more than you. Not to mention that they could casually eat fatty, unhealthy food while you did your best to avoid it as much as possible. The result couldn’t be seen on you though.

Still, you are the one who’s not enough and you are the one who never once heard in her life that she’s skinny. You try to shrug it off and claim that it’s okay. You are okay with that. But it sucks, right? It does. Every single damn time when she’s munching away on her triple chocolate muffins while you are eating a single apple. Every single time a boy turns around to look at her, totally ignoring your presence. Every single time your friends whine that ’Please, Eunbi, eat more. You are so skinny!’ or ’Please, eat a lot. It won’t hurt, you need it.’ 

It’s like an invisible bullet through your heart. Every single time they fire at you and you can’t help but get weaker and weaker. You grow to hate yourself, your body, your weight. Everything that is you. Because that seems to be your only flaw now; you are a good student, people think that you have the perfect family, and you have never failed anything in your life. You are only flawed when it comes to your appearance.

Now, put an end to this! Change! It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Everyone’s dieting now, you can do it, too. You are strong enough, you can endure it. In the end, you will surely get what you want. Melt that fat and be the one who people call skinny! Dare to wear girly and not baggy clothes. Months from now on, you shouldn’t be afraid to show your figure to the world. You can do it, you can achieve it!

“Yes! I can do it,” she said to the figure in the mirror, frowning constantly at the sight. All she could see was fat, fat and fat. Her thighs were big, her waistline was something that she wouldn’t dare to look at and her cheeks were puffy. She looked at her reflection again, hoping that the picture would change, the flaws would fade away.

Unfortunately, they didn’t. Unbeknownst to her, it was all in her head, the seed of the growing disease was inside of her. It started with her vision. What she saw was not real, yet she believed that it was real.

“I have to do it,” she claimed confidently, throwing one last flinch at that so-called fat body of hers and left the room.

It was the day when it all started. When Choi Luda decided to listen to the intriguing voice in her head and follow its lead. It was a first-class ticket to the Hell of self-hatred.

You are not enough. I need someone better. You know… someone funnier, more easy-going, someone who doesn’t have such a low self-esteem. I know that you don’t do it to irritate others but honestly… after a while, it can get pretty annoying.

Jaejun’s words were still running through her head when she was on the way back to her apartment, resting her head on the cold glass of the window. It was only an hour ago when the boy confessed that he wanted to break up with her and left her at the restaurant where they had previously decided to meet up. She foresaw that something was fishy when they didn’t even order anything and the words had already slipped out of Jaejun’s mouth:

“We need to talk, Luda,” he announced after clearing his throat to get her attention and that’s how all it started. She didn’t know how long he talked but she knew that he completely broke her heart. Not once, not twice, multiple times.

It started with the fact that he found it annoying that she always refused to go to a fast-food restaurant when he asked her out. It wasn’t because she hated fast food – at that time, she could still stand the thought of eating a burger and chips ��� but she was fond of old school dates with watching movies at each other’s flats, going to the amusement park, having a picnic outside, going hiking together or merely having lunch at a decent restaurant, not Burger King. Was it really too much to ask? All Jaejun had always wanted to do was to go to a fast food restaurant where they couldn’t even hear each other properly.

On top of that, he blamed her because she wasn’t as lovely as Ara - her best friend. Obviously, she had seen that those two had a thing but she wouldn’t like to admit it. She would have felt more pitiful, she would have felt like she was being used. Jaejun needed her to get closer to Ara. Now, she saw it like how it was, not how she wanted it to be. And it hurt. It hurt as if a poisoned arrow had been sent to her heart, slowly and mercilessly encouraging the disease to spread through her veins and destroy her body.

And then again, she wasn’t enough. She dread those words because it would mean that she failed. All she did was to please others, to meet others’ expectations. She began to lose herself in the midst of trying to be perfect but she didn’t care until others approved of her – her friends, her family, her boyfriend, the professors and the society. She became a perfectionist, someone who feared making mistakes and was terrified to let people down.

You are not enough.

Another teardrop was making its way down her cheeks as she was sobbing silently in the back of the bus. It was past 9pm and she was the only passenger. Not like she would stop wiping if someone showed up but she felt like she was safe. The silence and the monotonous swing of the vehicle was somewhat soothing for her frazzled nerves. Yet, the tears seemed to have no end. She cried, cried and cried some more until a young man suddenly handed her a tissue.

“Is there something wrong?”

The gentle male voice asked and startled Luda who was absent-mindedly looking out of the window. She hadn’t even taken notice of the new passenger as she hadn’t had for that. She tried to pick herself up but to no avail. She was too broken for the time being.

No was what she tried to say but she couldn’t bring herself to lie. She was already fed up with lies, she didn’t want to become a lying machine herself.

“My...” She stuttered in between sobs and didn’t even manage to end her sentence. It was too sorrowful to say it out loud. She felt like if she told someone about the break-up, it would eventually become real and she would need to accept the fact and never broach up the topic again. However, she wasn’t over it, she still couldn’t let go of Jaejun’s words. They were haunting her, whispering creepily into her ears, grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her to the dark hole of self-hatred.

“I-I was actually...” She made an attempt to confess to the stranger but failed miserably. Instead, she burst into tears again.

The teardrops were searing, leaving sorrowful scars on her pale skin, placing poisonous kisses on her rosy cheeks. She wanted to wash away all the memories they had shared with Jaejun but she also felt pitiful at the same time. Was it really worth it to cry over such a guy like Lim Jaejun? Was he really worth it? Were those 11 months that they had spent together worthy of her pearl-like tears? She didn’t know, therefore she felt even more awful.

It got better only when the male started patting her back and gently prompted her to lean onto his shoulder. In the beginning, she protested a bit, fidgeting in her seat to make a decision but after a couple more sad teardrops, she decided to give in. At first, the whole situation felt peculiar – she was crying her eyes out in the arms of another man after an hour of her break-up – but after a while, she found the presence of the guy prominently reassuring and his touch undoubtedly fond.

So she just let it all out. She let the pain take over her and her pride to bury itself with her worried thoughts concerning the cosiness of their scene. The more she stayed in his arms, the less she felt the need to cry. It felt like a safe haven to her. He felt like a safe haven to her.

Her wounds seemed to heal a bit, her mind was less tangled than before as her thoughts weren’t screaming as loudly as they had done so before the young man showed up. She felt at ease for the first time in the last couple of hours and it was all thanks to his assistance. If it weren’t for him, she would have cried the whole way back to her flat.

Speaking of the bus journey itself, they were slowly approaching her final destination and the thought made her come back to her senses. As it crossed her mind, she immediately pulled back from him, a bit ashamed because of the fact that she had just revealed her weak self to a total stranger.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she apologised in an instant and busied herself with wiping off the imaginable dust from her jeans. “I’ve just made your shirt all wet. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have−”

“No, no, it’s totally okay,” the handsome stranger cut her off and boosted a friendly smile to set her at ease. “When one needs someone to lean on, I am more than happy to be that someone. It would get worse if you didn’t let it out, so don’t be ashamed,” he stated gently, his soft, honey-like voice sending pleasant chills running down her spine. 

She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the immediate reaction of her body. He was a stranger after all. His presence shouldn’t have done odd things to the state of her heart the day her boyfriend just dumped her! It wasn’t right.

“But it’s so weird. I don’t even know you.”

“Everyone starts out as strangers, right?” He shrugged it off with the most reassuring smile that she had ever seen in her life. Her shoulders slumped. Unwarily, a smile casted on her face as well.

“Right.” Luda nodded coyly.

The next few seconds were spent in awkward silence, both of them stealing glances when the other wasn’t aware of being watched. Neither of them knew what to say or do until the handsome stranger finally broke the silence.

“By the way, I’m Kim Seokjin. But you can just call me Jin,” he introduced himself as he reached his hand out and she took it without hesitation. She had to admit that his grip was firm yet gentle. His touch was searing yet tempting. She found herself staring at their hands, examining the obvious difference between their sizes. The boy’s hand was so much larger than hers and his fingers were also longer. They looked like the fingers of an artist or at least someone who had constantly worked on something using his hands. She pondered for a thought what he could possibly be doing.

“Choi Luda,” she did the same, bobbing her head and removing her hand from his. “And thank you for−”

“Being your crying pillow?” Jin raised his eyebrow in question, his eyes hinting at his amusement. “Anytime,” he offered voluntarily, making both of them astonished at his remark.

Yet, she soon found herself laughing at his cute comment. It was the first time she laughed that day and it felt like the weight was finally lifted off of her chest. She was finally able to breathe. Her head wasn’t full of negative thoughts. That one monologue wasn’t playing in her head like a broken tape record. No. It was her, the sound of her pleased laughter and his breathtaking smile. 

“Now you are laughing at me. Why? I was totally serious!” He acted like he was hurt but she could detect the playfulness in his voice. A moment later, her theory proved right as he also let himself laugh with her. “Just kidding, I’m happy that you can smile now,” he noted smoothly, making her blush like a teenage girl. It was weird to hear something like this from a stranger but it made her heart leap a bit.

Unfortunately, the bus came to a halt and it was already her stop, so she needed to get off. The doors flew open and she didn’t have time to say a proper goodbye even though she wanted to say so many things to Jin. She was utterly thankful for him being there for her despite the fact that she didn’t even tell him that she was under the weather because her boyfriend had broken up with her. Nonetheless, he – quite literally – offered a shoulder to lean on, helping her until she was able to smile again. There was so much to be thankful for, yet the time was ticking.

“Uh, that’s my stop, I need to get off.” Luda jumped from her seat in an instant and swiftly made her way to the door. “Thank you so much, Jin! I hope we’ll see each other in the future!” She hollered before the doors closed behind her. 

She pouted a bit as she turned around and the vehicle was already moving but it was immediately replaced by a smile when she caught sight of the handsome stranger who was grinning widely and waving in her direction. Before the bus totally disappeared from her sight, she swore that she had seen a flying kiss from him.

What a day!

There was one thing she hated even more than the fact that she needed to attend her lectures at the university. It was the fact that most likely, she would bump into her best friend. Or ex-best friend. Who knew actually?

Jaejun had dumped her on Friday and here she was in her tiny room the following Monday with tangled thoughts and still no calls from Ara. Did she really think that it should be the way she tells her that Jaejun was interested in her and they actually broke up because of her? She doubted that Ara had no idea what was going on. Even if she really didn’t know, she should have called her to ask her about it, offer that she would listen to her rumblings or suggest watching a romantic movie and cursing all males who were living on this planet.

That’s what they used to do when they had still been best friends. They had been close ever since Luda’s family had moved next door when they had both been little kids. As Ara had been the only girl who had been her age in the neighbourhood, they had had no chance but to play together and the afternoons spent together at the playground had eventually grown into friendship. Ever since the day Ara had been forced to bring cookie to welcome the new neighbours and Luda had been the one to open the door for her, they had been inseparable. High school hadn’t been an obstacle either, they had been just as close – if not closer – as they used to be during their teenage years.

Then, university had come. Two years ago, they had both been accepted at the Seoul National University, therefore they had had to move to the capital. As they couldn’t find a flat which would be able to accommodate both of them, they had to be separated for the first time in their lives. They couldn’t even speak as much as they wanted to since Ara had started studying Korean History while Luda had started studying English Literature. Their time schedules had been different but she wouldn’t say that they had drifted apart. Their relationship had risen to a higher level, a more mature one. It had been a healthy change, an essential one. It hadn’t been until she had started dating Jaejun that things had also started to change between the two girls.

She shook her head fervently at the thought. She didn’t want to think about it. Her mind was already twisted, it was like a living monster. There was that tiny voice in her head that tried its best to persuade her that she wasn’t enough and that’s why people left her. That voice was born when the words had slipped through Jaejun’s mouth.

After that, there was no turning back, it was a constant companion. Although only a weekend passed, it came back again and again. It didn’t win over her, not yet. But whenever she saw a kissing couple on the streets, a flower that she used to get from Jaejun or his favourite fast food place where he hang out most of the time, she couldn’t help but feel worthless.

She couldn’t even bring herself to eat, the thought was sometimes so loud that she even lost her appetite. Other times, she would eat a delicious strawberry cupcake, just to forget about him. At that time, she was still in control of herself, her food and her life. The voice was born but it was still a baby.

“I hate Monday mornings,” she murmured under her breath as she made her way to the bathroom.

“You are not alone with that,” a raspy voice hollered from the opposite room. It was Luda’s flatmate – Inna – who was an early bird, even when she didn’t need to get up early for her classes. She was one year older than her and the flat that she rented was actually Inna’s father’s. They got on pretty well, although they didn’t talk a lot.

“Good to hear that,” she commented and a chuckle made its way past her lips as she stepped into the bathroom.

It took her 20 minutes to get changed and be ready to face the inevitable. She grabbed some baked goods – her favourite handmade, buttery croissants - and a cup of hot chocolate on her way to the university, making sure that she would get enough energy until lunch. She had decided to cut back on her snack time previously between breakfasts and lunch because she didn’t have the time to eat them due to her busy schedule. Plus, she convinced herself that it was only a habit that she started when she was still a secondary school student, so she wouldn’t need those extra calories anymore. But breakfast was breakfast and she adored croissants, she couldn’t imagine her mornings without some pastry accompanied by a hot drink. 

Of course, as time went by, it all changed.

“Luda, can we talk?”

The voice that she didn’t want to hear actually called her name. At first, she assumed that it was all in her head but when she turned around to look for its owner, she almost literally bumped into Ara.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit busy now,” she made an attempt to excuse herself because the thought of having a chat with Ara made her stomach churn with worry. “Can’t we talk a bit later?” she motioned with a forced smile plastered on her face but actually, she didn’t want to talk to her. Not then, not later, not ever. If she really wanted to talk to her, she should have called her already.

“Okay.” The other girl nodded in submission and her reaction caught her off-guard. Was it that easy to get rid of her? “How about we grab something at Starbucks later? They say they have a new cheesecake that you can’t miss out on,” she chattered gleefully as if there hadn’t been a single thing that she should be ashamed of.

Luda felt a need to outright laugh at her but instead, she was merely disgusted. How could she have ever spent time with a girl like Ara? How could she have ever see her as someone kind, caring and sympathetic? Her so-called best friend couldn’t even see that she wanted nothing more than to evaporate and never see her pretty face again.

“Actually, I have−”

“I’ll see you at 5 then. At our usual table.” Ara winked at her and swiftly scampered away before Luda could even have the chance to protest. A huff of air left her nose in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Ara was so blind. So adamant. So annoying.

So perfect. So flawless. So pretty. So skinny.

Small wonder how she could find herself in the closest Starbucks an hour later, waiting for Ara to arrive. She impatiently looked at the clock but she immediately wished that she didn’t. 20 minutes had passed since her best friend should have arrived and she was nowhere in sight. Not to mention that the seconds passed by more and more slowly and she was already fed up with waiting. After all, she wasn’t the one who wanted this conversation and now she was the one who was there? What kind of absurd situation she had gotten herself into?

As soon as she made up her mind and stood up, Ara beamingly plunked herself down in the seat in front of her.

“Sorry, I’m late, I know. I’ve just had a talk with one of the guys at campus and−” she explained hurriedly, using large gestures to indicate her truth. Luda didn’t feel like listening to her excuse, so she cut her off.

“Was it Jaejun?”

“What?” Ara’s eyes widened in surprise but her astonishment slowly turned into something else. It was fear.

“I asked if that guy was Jaejun.”

“Uhm, well,” she hesitated, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly, a bit torn between the idea of lying to her best friend or telling her truth, even though she was perfectly aware of the fact that it would her hurt, if not breaking her heart. “Yeah, it was him,” she admitted ashamedly. She averted her eyes elsewhere but Luda’s face because she couldn’t bear the apparent disappointment showing on her face.

“Of course.” She couldn’t help but scoff. “Who else would it be?” Luda muttered but her best friend could still hear it perfectly well. She didn’t care anymore, it wasn’t like she didn’t have the right to be angry at her.

“I wanted to tell you, Luda. I really wanted to but I just couldn’t find the appropriate time to say it. It’s not something that I should tell you in the middle of the busy corridors.”

“You’re right. It’s not,” she agreed fervently. She had to remind herself again and again to keep her composure in check and never show her real feelings. Never say her real thoughts out loud, the ones that were kept in the deepest forests of her heart, nourished by the voice in her head. They were raw and merciless. They were already tearing her apart. “But you had the weekend for that. I bet you knew that we broke up with Jaejun on Friday, so you should have given me a call by now. Yet, you didn’t,” she pointed it out in a small voice.

“I know and I’m sorry. I really am. But… you know, it’s not an easy thing to talk about,” Ara admitted bashfully, her words barely audible.

Luda wanted to laugh scornfully, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. After all, she had never showed her proper feelings not to hurt anyone, so how could this time be any different? She felt the need to punch a wall though. Hearing that it wasn’t an easy thing to talk about was the biggest lie she had ever heard. Ara used to handle situations like this so well. Even when she had kissed Luda’s first boyfriend while they were hads till been dating, she had confessed to her the moment it had happened. She hadn’t even blinked, she hadn’t even hesitated. So, what exactly had changed since then?

“We didn’t mean to fall in love,” her best friend protested. She bit her lower lip, a habit that she still couldn’t get rid of when she was embarrassed despite her overflowing confidence. “It just… somehow happened on the way.”

“It just somehow happened?” Luda repeated, not believing her ears. What nonsense was she babbling about? Falling in love with your best friend’s boyfriend can just happen on the way? Rubbish! “Since when did you two have a thing? Since the party at Taehyung’s?” she raised her eyebrows in question, the rage underlying behind her actions.

Ara gulped. She wasn’t ready for such hardships. She thought that it would go smoothly, Luda being as sympathetic as ever, and she wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of falling in love with Jaejun. It seemed that it wasn’t as easy as she had initially planned.

“Yeah, actually, it was then when we first realised that we like each other and we wanted to tell you. I swear.”

“It was already a month ago!” Luda croaked, her voice a bit raspy. “If you had said something then, it wouldn’t hurt so much now. Maybe you could have actually saved me from Jaejun’s horrible comparing.”

“I’m sorry. I know he thinks that I’m a goddess or something but I didn’t ask him to compare you to me,” Ara emphasised the fact but to no avail. Her best friend merely rolled her eyes at her and huffed furiously. She decided that it was enough for her. If Luda was playing dirty, so would she. She assumed that the epitome of goodness and purity would also forget her sin and let her get away with it – like she always did before – but it turned out that things were different now. Maybe Luda grew up after all. “And you have to admit that it’s pretty childish to get so worked up about his words. He said the mere facts. I can’t do anything about the fact that we are different in so many ways. Like I’m outgoing or skinny and you’re not.”

The sentence was left hanging in the air for a moment. Luda would swear that she heard her heart breaking into dozens of pieces. She was already bleeding on the battlefield, why would Ara make things even more painful?

“I’ve had enough,” Luda mumbled under her nose hastily and rose from her seat but Ara emulated her reaction in an instant.

“I didn’t mean that you are fat. You are at a normal weight and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you always take it to heart when people comment on your appearance and I think you shouldn’t.”

Although it wasn’t meant to be rude, she felt like a bullet was sent to her heart. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? You are at a normal weight. But doesn’t normal equal fat? What do you think so? Doesn’t it sound like an insult to you? It was supposed to be a reassurance, so why do you think of it as something bad? Because you know she’s lying. She always did, you just pretended to believe them. After all, it’s still better to believe in lies than in nothing, right?

Luda needed a few moments to regain her composure and act as calm as possible. Her parents had always told her that it was better to remain composed even during arguments, so she tried her best to live up to their words.

“I don’t want to see you again,” Luda announced as she gritted her teeth in annoyance. She didn’t care that people took notice of her behaviour and threw looks at her. It wasn’t her who was the best guy in this story, and no matter how much her best friend wanted to make her stay by grabbing onto her wrist, she yanked her hand away from Ara’s. She really didn’t want to see her again.

When she stepped out of the busy place, the air felt suffocating. She felt like she was drowning and waves were crashing above her head. She couldn’t do anything to help her to the surface. She was already meters beneath the reality and she constantly got further and further away from help. Who was still there to save her?

I am here. And I will never leave your side. I promise that.

We’ve only just gotten started.

The days were slower and the nights were longer than Luda would have liked it. She was constantly in a war, both with the people in her life and both with her own feelings. 

Deep down, she could understand why Jaejun had dumped her to choose Miss Perfect Park Ara over her. Really, she could. Ara was the epitome of flawlessness; she was skinny and pretty, she had a great sense of humour, she was so talkative that she could easily chat with anyone for hours, not to mention her bubbly and free personality. Everyone seemed to like her, she pulled people closer like a magnet. She fancied going out, she was literally a social butterfly but her heart always belonged to those who were the closest to her. In a nutshell, she was perfect.

Compared to her, what was she? A waste of space, to say the least. She was never as outgoing as her best friend, she rather enjoyed quiet nights spent at home with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. She never considered herself funny, nor talkative. She wasn’t skinny either and to make matters worse, everyone made sure to emphasise that fact, too. She was certain that she wasn’t pretty and it didn’t even help when she replaced her glasses with contact lenses. Not to mention that she had tiny little freckles on her face and she had a scar on her chin which was still visible, even though she got it when she had been only 5. In a nutshell, she was the total opposite of Ara.

You were never enough. It’s time to change it. Now, you can be enough. Just lose some pounds and you’ll see it. You’ll feel better and people will like you. You will be more confident and you will start loving yourself. Trust me, I will help you.

She trusted that voice in her head. If she was able to prove herself that she was better than this, she would certainly be happier. After all, when someone is happy with herself, others will be happy when they are around her, right?

With that thought in mind, it wasn’t hard to make a change. She joined a gym near her flat and went there twice a week to do some fat-burning exercises. At university, she attended aerobics classes that she enjoyed whole-heartedly but she assumed that it wouldn’t be enough. Plus, those hours at the gym with sweating and pushing herself to her limits helped to distract her for a while. No more Jaejun, no more Ara. Just her mind and her body. The voice even encouraged her and it was kind of motivating. She did something for herself to help to move on and she truly enjoyed it. She took care of herself and her health, it was about nothing else at that time. She wanted to lose a couple of pounds but it was only an acceptable choice, not a life-threatening one.

It was after another exhausting session at the gym when she bumped into her handsome stranger again. She was sitting on the same bus, at the same spot, with different days behind her but with the same old feelings: hopelessness, loneliness and void. Although only two weeks passed, she was already trapped in a cage. Of course, without her or anyone else knowing. It was still a healthy way to approach heartbreak and major changes in life. It wasn’t an obsession. Not yet.

She was totally immersed into her thoughts when someone sat down beside her and started talking to her.

“Same bus, same time,” the voice called out and she had no choice but to turn her head to see who it was. Even without looking at him, she would have guessed that it was Jin, although they had met only once. He had a characteristically warm and soothing voice, she could easily identify it from thousands of other ones.

“Oh, Jin!” Luda’s eyes lit up brightly when their eyes met and Seokjin couldn’t even be happier. “It’s so good to see you. How are you?” she inquired curiously, her weariness from before totally disappearing thanks to the mere presence of the boy.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” she stated with a radiant smile on her face. She felt so much better now that someone was beside her and that someone was Kim Seokjin himself. Last time, he had done so much for her, she wanted to properly thank him but didn’t have the chance since she had to get off before him. Now, it seemed that it was fate that they could meet again, therefore she didn’t want to let her chance slip away.

“Are you really okay?” Jin’s grin vanished in an instant and his expression became solemn again. His honey-like voice was laced with worry, his toffee-brown eyes filled with millions of shining stars, the ones that were her source of reassurance. They were sparkling, bathing in his affectionate and pouring her with love. Every time she looked into them, she felt like she was at a safe haven. He was her safe haven.

“Yes, really.” She nodded with an honest yet tired smile. During the last two weeks, she had been thinking a lot about her life and her choices – let it be her relationships, career goals and important milestones – and although she still wasn’t 100% over the break-up and the quarrel with Ara, she made a significant progress. 

“Are you sure?” Jin suspiciously raised an eyebrow at her and not even a hint of mockery was present in his diamond-like orbs. “You can tell me if something’s wrong,” he offered gently, making her wonder how a guy like him could be real.

He wasn’t her relative, nor a friend, he was basically a nobody to her. Yet, he still kept in mind that last time she had been under the weather and wanted to make sure that she was better now. Her heart leaped a bit thanks to his thoughtfulness.

“Yes, I’m totally sure.” Luda nodded more and more fervently until Jin finally seemed convinced. Then, she shook her head in disbelief but couldn’t hide a smile that was creeping onto her face. 

Seokjin was a literal angel for remembering the fact that she had been utterly devastated the last time they had met. Not all boys would act the same as him after such a first encounter but he was different. He didn’t even know that Jaejun had dumped her but he still offered to be her crying pillow. She couldn’t express how thankful she really was.

“But I couldn’t properly say thank you last time, so let me say it now.”

“No, no, you don’t have to,” the young man immediately cut her off but she would have lied if she had said that she wasn’t prepared for a similar reaction.

“No, really, I would like to say a massive thank you because you helped me a lot. I was going through a pretty hard time and you could cheer me up, so I’m really thankful,” Luda said it anyway because she was just too adamant to already give up. She was fed up with hiding her emotions and not saying out loud what she really wanted to say. After all, that was what partly led to her relationships falling apart. The other reason was that she was blind; she couldn’t see the signs in time. To be precise, she didn’t want to see the signs. “Is there a way that I can pay you back?”

“Oh no, you really don’t have to.” Jin shook his head. “I was happy that I could be there. It would have been a shame to let anyone sob silently in the back of the bus,” he casually confessed, making her totally baffled. She felt her cheeks heating up a bit and she would swear that her face was tinted pink, if not scarlet-red.

“Still, I feel like I have to thank you somehow,” she played the headstrong little girl who wouldn’t give up for the world but she really wanted to do something for him. Maybe they won’t meet again and she would feel just as ashamed as she did after they had first encountered. She had to seize the opportunity now. “I insist. Let me buy you a coffee or something. Then, you can leave me if you want but please, let me do it for you.”

She almost pleaded and Seokjin must have felt sorry for her because he gave in only a blink of an eye.

“Okay, I’m in. I can’t say no to such a great offer.” Jin clapped his hands in excitement and an enthusiastic grin was making its way onto his face. He was naturally attractive but when he smiled like that… oh no, Luda had a hard time keeping her composure in check. “One of my friends actually has a café just around the corner if you wish to give it a try,” he suggested and she couldn’t have anything against his idea. She mentally patted her shoulder because she had decided to take a bath at the gym’s bathroom before he bumped into Jin and didn’t want to get home to get changed. Now, it would be embarrassing to go out with her in her casual training clothes and sweaty body.

As there was really nothing that she could come up with, she gave him a thumbs-up and they headed to the café of Seokjin’s friend’s.

The Hope Café was a pretty, cosy place with lots of radiant colours, the walls decorated with breathtaking pictures from all around the world, classical jazz music playing in the background and grinning waiters and waitresses running back and forth.

At first, Luda was actually taken aback. It was nothing like the good old Starbucks with its highly modernised facilities, that typical green and brown interior design and annoyed stuff who were angry when someone wasn’t speaking loud enough. It was different yet refreshing. It felt a bit like home.

“Oh, Jin! You finally brought your girlfriend! How lovely!”

A joyful male voice hollered from behind the cash register and started walking towards them. He was a guy at around their age with average height, a casual, boy-next-door look and a happy vibe. She had never seen such a wide smile before, he smiled like he didn’t have any problems and everything was fine and unicorns still existed. He seemed so at ease.

Upon hearing his remark, she couldn’t cover up her bafflement. What? Did he just mention the word ‘girlfriend’? Oh no, he might have mistaken her for someone else! Even if it would mean that Seokjin had a girlfriend, she still wanted to clarify herself but Jin was faster than her.

“Actually, she’s not my girlfriend,” the young man explained with an apologetic smile while his friend pouted a bit, his smile wavering.

“You usually don’t bring girls here, so I thought that maybe, you finally got one for yourself,” he explained with sad puppy eyes but clapped his hands in the next moment. “Never mind, I’m happy that you decided to bring her here and I will make sure to keep her entertained.” He playfully winked at her, the russet-brown haired guy merely rolling his eyes in response. “I’m Jung Hoseok, by the way. I’m Jin’s friend and flatmate,” he turned to face Luda and offered a handshake. She took it without hesitation and made an attempt to give an introduction without making a fool out of herself.

“I’m Choi Luda. I’m−” she started speaking but closed her mouth shut when she realised that she had no idea how to define their relationship. They weren’t even friends, maybe not even acquaintances. But then, what were they?

“We met a few weeks ago on the bus when I tried to console her because she seriously looked like she needed company. Today, we also bumped into each other when we took the same bus and she wanted to thank me for what I had done last time, so she wanted to get me a coffee. Then, I mentioned visiting your café and she said yes.”

“You are at the best place for hot drinks, I can guarantee that!” Hoseok announced gleefully, making a casually passing by customer slightly jump in surprise. “We have the best ones in Seoul and we have such a wide range, I’m certain that your jaw will drop at the sight of our menu. Here, just take a look!” He shove a menu into her hands and while searching through all the drinks and snacks mentioned on the paper, Luda came to realise that Hoseok was right. 

They indeed had a wide range of goodies offered. They even had their own unique and quite creative names – like the hot chocolate made from white chocolate and topped with whipped cream and nuts called as the Lovely White Cloud or the triple-chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream called as the Chocolate Monster and his Sweet Vanilla – that she couldn’t help but boost a smile at such an extraordinary concept.

“So, what do you want?” Hoseok inquired after a minute or so of her examining the menu, the tiny voice in her head reminding her of the calories in those sweet desserts and drinks.

You need to work out tomorrow to compensate for your little cheating. Even though it’s only once in a while, you still can’t let go of control. You just can’t. If you do, you know you will be more miserable. If you hadn’t let things go in their way, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this horrible situation. Not letting go of control is the key.

“Ladies first!” Seokjin immediately flashed a smile and looked at her patiently, although she assumed that he had already tried all of the different variations since it was his friend’s café.

“Then, I would like to have a cup of Caramel Dream with the Strawberry&Lemon Rendez-vous,” she decided, trying to shake the unwanted thoughts off and focusing on the present instead of worrying about what would happen to her body if she drank and ate all she had ordered before.

A moment later, Jin also gave his order, and so Hoseok disappeared like he hadn’t even been there in the first place and they sat down at a window-table. Seokjin was a real gentleman, not only did he help her with her coat and put both of their clothes on the coat rack but he also pulled out her chair before seating himself. And they weren’t even in a fancy restaurant but a cosy café!

“Hoseok seems like a nice guy,” Luda commented after thanking him for his kindness because she was still taken aback by the fact that Jung Hoseok was literally a ray of sunshine. She had never met anyone like him before.

“He’s a great guy. Small wonder he’s my friend.”

“How did you two meet?” she asked curiously, resting her elbows on the table and chin in her hands. The russet-brown haired guy was more than happy to answer her question and slowly, without them realising, their conversation went on and on. 

As time went by, it wasn’t a nervous tip-toeing anymore and they didn’t only talk about the cliché topics that people bring up on their second encounter. But of course, they talked about hobbies, friends, family and studies as well. Luda’s jaw dropped when she actually learned that Seokjin was studying Art History and he wished to be either a curator or a teacher. In his free time, he loved to do sketches and little drawings but he made sure to let her know that he wasn’t good, he merely enjoyed it. She asked him to let her see at least one of his works and she whined until he didn’t give in.

The more they talked, the better she could suppress that little voice in her head. At first, it was screaming at her when her strawberry-lemon cheesecake and caramel-flavoured hot chocolate arrived but she ignored it. She had such a fun time with Seokjin that she totally forgot about the voice’s warning and she could fully enjoy herself. The guy was a fun and lovable companion, she laughed so much and it was for real. She didn’t have to force a smile, neither pretend to be interested because she was obviously interested. There was still so much she wanted to know about him!

Sadly, the hours flew by so quickly that it was already time to go home. Seokjin insisted on taking her home but she needed to do some grocery shopping, so she had to say no to his offer.

“Maybe next time,” she tried to cheer him up with a reassuring smile as they were walking down the streets to his bus stop. The stars in the boy’s toffee-brown eyes immediately lit up.

“So, is there a next time?” He raised his eyebrows in question, his tone a bit cautious. Luda tried her best to hide her embarrassment because she didn’t intend to be obvious, the words just slipped out of her mouth. Nevertheless, there was no use of crying over spilled milk, the words already said out loud.

“I guess.”

“Great!” Seokjin slightly jumped in delight and his adorable reaction triggered a joyful laugh from her, quietly leaving her rosy-coloured lips. “How about next Friday?” he inquired excitedly. She was pretty sure that she didn’t have anything scheduled for next Friday, so she agreed but they exchanged numbers just to make sure.

“Then, I’ll see you next Friday,” Seokjin waved as he was hopping on the bus and Luda happily waved back.

“Next Friday,” she repeated and watched as his bus was getting further and further away. As a goodbye present, she got another flying kiss from him. From that moment on, he couldn’t stop smiling until her way back to her flat.

The good feelings went away quickly, and no matter how hard Luda tried, she couldn’t forget about that piece of cake and that hot chocolate. She thought that she shouldn’t have let herself indulge in treats like this because if she did so once, then how many would follow? When would she be able to stop? Maybe others could do it, but she couldn’t. She needed to take control over her life, she needed to take control over herself or else the world would take control over her, and she would never ever let that happen again.

So she listened to the voice in her head, telling her to cut back here and there, her grocery list reducing when she next went to buy food for herself and her thoughts more and more occupied with food and exercising and calories. She started tracking the calories she consumed - both edible and drinkable forms -, so that it could give her a sense of control, so that she could feel like she could monitor what was going on in her life.

It did actually give her a sense of satisfaction, to know exactly what and how much she consumed, and she felt happy, content, joyful even because she thought that it could work. The voice in her head prompted her, motivated her to keep going, so eventually when she went to meet Jin the next Friday, she only drank a cup of hot tea, telling him that she had eaten before, so she was fine. He seemed to believe her, and it was just so easy to get away with it, she felt almost thrilled.

Besides, Jin was a lovely guy. He was very understanding, had a sense of humour she had definitely needed since her break-up and drifting apart from Ara too, and he always had such funny stories to tell, it was insane. She listened to his stories attentively, genuinely smiling and laughing along with him, the fact that she was skipping out on her lunch long forgotten. He was a good company, he could even make her forget about not eating, and it was alright.

She couldn’t quite know what to expect from that encounter though because she wasn’t sure that she could be interesting enough for Jin, so that he would want to meet her again, but eventually, he did so, and they agreed that they would meet again next time when both of their schedules would allow them to do so. As both of them were diligent university students at different universities and having different majors, they were bound to have clashing schedules, but they made it work and stayed in contact through messaging each other.

She had to admit that his food pictures were a bit triggering though, but she tried to go with usual lines such as ‘looks good’ and ‘hope you enjoy your food’ instead of commenting what they contained and how much calories he would consume by eating those. Eventually, she found herself looking up labels for the ingredients and nutrition lists and she looked up countless websites, searching for the best possible combinations of food that could help her by eating less.

Apart from going to the gym, looking up such facts took up most of her time, so she didn’t have more time to spend on her hobbies because she needed to study as well and work on assignments. She didn’t care though; as long as she could make sure that she was aware what she was doing to her body, it would be alright. It would be just a phase anyway, right?

The voice didn’t leave her. In fact, it became stronger and stronger as time went by, becoming her only friend after Ara had messed up their friendship so badly. Luda couldn’t tell whether she was glad or disappointed that the other girl didn’t even try to contact her after she had told her that she wouldn’t want to see her again, but it was how it was nevertheless, and losing a childhood best friend so abruptly definitely had its impact on her. She started feeling suffocated around strangers, always seeking out what flaws they could point out in her, and always questioning their motives. She didn’t want to fall into the same trap she had done so with Ara and Jaejun, but it meant that she didn’t even want to let anyone close to her. At least, not so soon.

The seed of doubt had been planted in her when it came to Jin as well, but they had already agreed on a time and a place for their next encounter, so she didn’t want to let him down, and she wanted to see if it would work out with her situation because Jin was really a great guy, and she couldn’t help but think that he was being genuine whenever he was around her, but she couldn’t tell anymore. She had thought the same about Ara and Jaejun as well, and look where she ended up at.

However, meeting Jin was really like the highlight of her day and the weeks behind her, the constant anxiousness and doubtful thoughts burying her joy and making her wary of meeting others. Though with Jin, it was almost easy to forget about her hardships because they could talk about so many things including her not so good relationship with her parents, the perks of sharing his flat with someone else, his newfound love for cooking or even just the bookstores she liked visiting in Seoul. They didn’t talk only about university, and it made her feel like so much more than just someone who wanted to be a straight A student to prove everyone that she was worthy and that she was a good person.

On the other hand, he picked up the fact that she hadn’t ordered any food, only a glass of still water and inquired the reason behind it. Luda tried to put on her best, most convincing smile when she spoke up.

“I’m not hungry.” She shook her head, lying, so that he wouldn’t ask about her way of eating. He probably wouldn’t understand anyway. It was just her and the voice. They were the ones knowing what it was about.

“Are you okay?” Jin kept insisting though, his mesmerizing, toffee-brown eyes searching for confirmation in her own orbs. She almost felt bad for telling him a fib when he looked like that. When he looked like he really cared about her. “You look a bit pale and sick. Are you coming down with something?” he inquired gently, even lowering his voice as if it could be a secret, but she just shrugged off his question. She had lost weight, but it was alright. She was doing well, she thought that she was the healthiest she had ever been.

“Oh, it’s just usual uni stress,” she reasoned casually, and while it was partly true, it was also partly a lie. The university workload did contribute to her perfectionism acting up even more, but she was managing well so far, she had performed really well on her tests and presentations so far, so she got it. But it needed to stay the same, so that she would feel okay.

“Okay, then. Let me know though if anything’s up. I may not be as good of a listener as my psychologist friend, but I’m here to listen if it’s about anything,” Jin chattered, his shoulders slumping in ease. He probably believed her words from the way he looked back at her, and even though she was thankful, she didn’t know if it was a good thing.

So even if he emptied his plate and mug and she left the empty glass of the still water on the table, he didn’t seem to want to pressure the topic anymore, and she was glad. She almost felt like as if she had been caught when she hadn’t been doing anything wrong in the first place.

Or at least, she didn’t think so, and that was the worst out of all; that she was no longer herself and she was no longer able to tell what was good and bad for her.

Weeks went by and then a month and then another month, and Luda found herself finding excuses to meet Jin because even just the thought of going out and feeling the pressure to eat the foods with unknown calories scared her so much that she would not only stick to her own safe foods that she knew the calories of, but she wouldn’t go to her favourite bakery either or go to group work meetings when it took place at a bar or restaurant, and she wouldn’t go out and eat because food was there, and she needed to know what and when and how much she would eat, so she could keep track of it alongside her weight.

It slowly became like a habit; weighing herself in the morning and at night, and sometimes during the day when she felt like she needed to and the voice prompted her to do so. She always had a mixed reaction whenever she saw the numbers on the scale because she might have been losing weight, but she never felt like it was enough or it was good. If it went up, then she would cut back even more, but even if the number went down, she would cut back as well. Because it was kind of satisfying to see how her efforts paid off, and how she really got it under control. She might not be able to control anything else from her own family to her ex-boyfriend or best friend, but she could control this. And it felt good.

The more time passed, the less she could exercise though because after failing a test, something in her broke, and she decided to spend the time in the gym on studying, so that she wouldn’t fall behind and end with a bad grade. She couldn’t afford to do so, she just couldn’t! She was a straight A student! What would her parents think? Would they compare her to Ara again? Would they compare her to her little sister again? What would her teachers think? She was better than this, she was so much better.

So having more time to spend on studying, she actually had more time to think about food because it really became constant; thinking about what and when and how much to eat. It was always going through her head, reminding her of her goals, and when she felt hungry between her planned meal times, she tried to suppress her hunger by drinking huge amounts of water or chewing bubble gums.

What was interesting though that now that Jin couldn’t even see her, it was only her flatmate - Inna - who could see her from time to time and inquire about her well-being. Though after listening to her worrying questions twice, Luda started hiding her body in baggy clothes, so that no one could see if she had gained or lost weight, only her and that ugly, judging mirror in her room that laughed at her every single night when all she could still see was fat. Would it ever be enough? The image looking back from the mirror?

As much as Inna was kind, Luda couldn’t appreciate her acts, not anymore.

“Look what I’ve found in the store today!” Inna announced as she entered their flat and Luda was just passing by with a glass of water in her hands. Again. She didn’t know anymore how much she had already drank, but probably not enough for the way she could still not suppress her hunger.

The girl then proceeded to show her the little bottled liquid with a wide smile.

“Your favourite brand! I know you’ve said a while ago that you couldn’t find it, but now I found it at this corner store not far from my uni,” Inna explained beamingly, and she reached out the bottle to Luda, watching as she hesitantly took it.

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t have done so,” she remarked with a forced smile. She wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t drink the chocolate milk anyway because it wouldn’t fit into her daily calories and food rules, but Inna’s wide smile stopped her from saying anything like that.

“Oh come on! You immediately came to my mind when I saw this, so drink it well!” Her flatmate suggested kindly before disappearing into the kitchen to pack out the other groceries she had gotten from the store.

Luda looked at the bottle in her hands, her heart wanting to drink it so desperately and her stomach even grumbling at the sight, but she couldn’t do it, not when the voice said otherwise. It wasn’t part of her plans, she couldn’t consume it, it would mess up everything, and then she would be out of control yet again. She couldn’t do so. Not anymore.

So she retreated into her room, closed the door behind her and put the glass of water on her table and threw the bottle of choco milk into her trash bin. She had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Winter arrived quickly and with that, the snowy and windy weather became more and more prominent, forcing Luda to dress as warmly as possible, but the cold didn’t seem to go away. No matter how many layers she wore or if she had the heat on or not, she was cold. Always. Looking down at her bluish fingers and the remains of bloody patches reminding her of how the skin had come off there before, she told herself that it must have been because it was a particularly extreme winter, and she had always been a bit sensitive to cold, so maybe it was just worse this time.

She could put up with it, she tried to do so. The voice told her that she was strong enough for that, so she pulled through, applied body lotion and hand creams ever so frequently, but they didn’t seem to help a lot. Not as much as she had thought so, but it was fine, she reassured herself, hoping for the winter season to go away quickly.

Soon, the cold didn’t seem that outstanding anymore. It had become a part of her very much long and very much uneventful days. The same happened day by day; going to lectures, studying, measuring food, writing down calories, stepping on the scale to weigh herself, drinking excessive amount of water to suppress her hunger, and waiting for the day to end, so that she could go to sleep even if it meant tossing and turning in bed most of the time. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, feeling ravenous, and she sometimes couldn’t even close her eyes. The daylight had become just as much of a nightmare as her nights, sheddings of hair on her pillow welcoming her every single morning.

She convinced herself though that she was doing okay, she was exercising well despite being more and more out of breath whenever she wanted to exercise or even just walking the stairs, and she was eating foods that were said to be healthy, she just controlled what she ate. She didn’t care how much she needed to lie or how many occasions she needed to turn down if it meant that she could stick to her own routine and be in control of her actions.

Seokjin also inquired if she wanted to meet up before Christmas, and Luda didn’t know why, but she was so frustrated at how he still tried to cling onto her. She couldn’t get it, he was just too good and too perfect for her, why would someone like him want to spend time with someone like her?

“Sorry. I haven’t told you, but the day you met me, I was crying because my boyfriend  broke up with me. I need time and space to move on and focus on myself. Please, understand.”

It was her way of saying that she had no idea why he would want to meet her again and to separate him from herself because that wouldn’t end well anyway. She didn’t trust others as much as before, but she didn’t know if she could even trust herself anymore. What had changed though? Life had been so cruel to her, she had it altogether, and then everything had fallen apart.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Of course, I’ll let you have your space and time. You can reach out to me anytime you want to though. I’m here if you just need someone to talk to,” said Jin through a message, and no matter how kind it seemed, Luda didn’t want to reply to it anymore. She just wanted to put everything in the past, and live day by day, obeying the rules of the voice in her head.

Inna was the only one who seemed genuinely worried about her, and who asked if she was feeling okay, but Luda had already become accustomed to lying people and convincing them that she was already over Jaejun and doing well. She was eating, she said, it was just the stress, she said. She couldn’t tell them how overwhelming it was if she couldn’t do what the voice told her to do so, how much she felt out of control. She couldn’t, she couldn’t let it happen again. She couldn’t disappoint others and herself. She needed to be strong.

However, with her semester over and the excuse to go home during the short winter break, she was almost obligated to go home between her semesters, and she couldn’t have been more frustrated.

She had never been on good terms with her family, they had always expected so much of her and belittled her efforts, and no matter how much she tried to live up to their expectations, she had never gotten genuine feedback. It was expected of you, her parents said, show a good example to your little sister, they said. When she had messed up something (anything), then came the questions why and how it could have happened.  

She always looked up to her parents and she was always grateful for what they had given her, but they had never been there for her emotionally, and she felt so alone even if they were around her. She had always tried to deny it, telling everyone just how much of a loving family she had, but they had never really listened to her, all the attention went to her little sister, and she was just expected to do well.

So to be controlled by them in another way - them telling her what to eat -, she felt out of control again, and it showed. She barely left her room saying that she needed to take care of something for her next semester which was a blatant lie, but they wouldn’t care anyway as long as she had gotten good grades and they could show her off as an example of their perfect parenting.

Only meal times were a struggle this way, but they were literal hell. She didn’t eat carbs, so she left out the side dishes and noodles they had prepared and indeed opted for the vegetables and other garnishes, hoping that they wouldn’t notice, having perfectly mastered the art of cutting her food into little pieces, drinking a lot between bites and eating slowly, so that it would seem like she took a long time to eat because she had eaten a lot. Usually, it had worked.

However, this time, her mother couldn’t let it go.

“Why are you picking on your food?” The woman looked at her after basically monitoring what she had been doing, just because she had no other topic to focus on because Luda’s little sister wasn’t talkative this time either. She was preparing for her senior year exams diligently, and the closer the date was, the more after school activities she had, so she was more tired than usually.

Luda took in a deep breath and answered without even thinking of telling them the truth. The lie slipped through as easily as if it would have been the truth. She almost believed it herself.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Is it because of Jaejun? Do you want to appeal to him by not eating?” Her father asked firmly, making her furrow her eyebrows in question. Really? That was the first question he could have asked? Doing it to appeal to a boy? Her ex-boyfriend out of all? It had already been difficult for her to tell her family the truth, but to take advantage of her honesty this way?

“Do you think I’m that kind of girl?” Luda scoffed, her voice raised due to the frustration that was slowly building up from the inside, yet her mother was ever so quick to tell her off for raising her voice at his father.

“Luda! It was just a simple question,” she tried to reason, giving her daughter a side-glance that she took with a frown. It had always been like this; if they threw offensive remarks at her and she told her own opinion or dared to show her feelings, they would get defensive and blame her for hurting them or blame her for overreacting. On the other hand, if she tried to play it save, suddenly she was ungrateful and neutral. She had never been enough. Never.

“No, I don’t want to appeal to him or anyone,” Luda said, but what she really wanted to say was that she just wanted to have control over her life. They wouldn’t understand that though. Every single time she had been just a tiny bit sad or disappointed, they had told her to cheer up and just relax. They had never been there to listen to her worries unlike they had done so with her little sister. Because her little sister had always cried to get their attention, and it had been enough for them to listen to her. 

“You aren’t eating dinner either, mom,” Luda pointed out with an edge to her words, but her mother shrugged it off. Like everything.

“I heard it’s not good for the body,” she reasoned, almost as obviously lying as one could be, but everyone seemed to drop the topic for her mother’s sake because they knew she had never been confident in her body, and started asking Luda about her studies instead.

It was always like this; if there was nothing else to talk about, came her studies. Not the way she was feeling, not how scared or happy or content she was with how the semester had gone or if she had been looking forward to the next one. It had always been about those results and classes excluding her emotions, and that hurt the most. It felt like silently screaming whenever she was beside them and didn’t say a thing about what was going on inside.

That dinner went by horribly slowly, but even that was better than when her little sister had pointed out her weight loss when she had accidentally opened the door on Luda when she had been in the bathroom and told their parents, her mother’s only comment being:

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

Even those few days she had spent at home had been enough to make her restrict even more and compensate for eating with her family and eating those foods she hadn’t been familiar with. Going back to weighing herself and tracking her calories were more crucial than ever before, and with the new semester starting, it became like a project to her to keep pushing, to keep up with it.

She didn’t care that she isolated herself from people, she didn’t care that she was always feeling cold despite winter turning into spring and spring turning into summer, having trouble sleeping, having a huge set of rigid rules when it came to foods and she was obsessively trying to follow those, she didn’t care her period hadn’t come for months, she didn’t care her hair was falling out, her nails were brittle, her skin was dry and bloody patches covered the surface because she convinced herself that she was the healthiest she had ever been. She didn’t care about the symptoms even if they were there because she thought that they were just temporary and had nothing to do with the way she was eating.

She kept going with whatever the voice wanted from her even though it didn’t feel like a friend anymore. If anything, it was an abusive one. An authoritative one. Nothing was ever enough for the voice either, but then again, when had she been ever enough for people? That voice was just another voice she couldn’t please, so she kept trying and trying until that voice seemed to have won.

Luda didn’t know how it happened, once she felt a bit dizzy while walking from her room to the bathroom and she felt her legs going weak and darkness embracing her and then the next thing she saw was light and blinding lamps, white walls and a doctor in a gown beside her. He kept asking her questions after saying that her pulse was dangerously low, and whenever she didn’t want to answer, Inna was there to answer what she knew of.

Luda kind of figured out that she must have fainted and it had been Inna who had called the ambulance, but she didn’t understand why was she still there, so she let Inna speak, and when the food topic came up, Luda was quick to protest.

“No, I eat, really. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been,” she tried to reason, but the doctor shook his head.

“A lot of eating disorder patients say so and end up in a hospital because they fainted from the lack of food,” he enlightened her firmly, his words truly shaking her. She glanced at Inna as well, but she only gave her a bitter smile in return. Did she believe the doctor’s words? “Eating disorders are deadly, and with your pulse, it’s a surprise you have never fainted, and it’s a miracle that your heart is still beating,” the man added neutrally, and if anything, this kind of information shook her to the core even more.

Luda tried to process what she had heard, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t accept it. It was ridiculous. She was alive and well, wasn’t she? She was doing well, she was eating, her heart was still beating, why would she die? Why would her pulse be low? But then again, why did she feel so ashamed? As if a secret of hers had been revealed? This complexity was giving her a headache, a painful one, a really painful one. She felt like she was splitted between the voice in her head and her own voice. It was the first time she felt like this ever since that voice had been born.

“No, I don’t have an eating disorder.” She shook her head fervently, that voice in her head screaming, yelling angrily at her for ever getting there, for ever getting a doctor question what she was doing. It was angry this time, and even though it had become more and more angry lately, Luda had never felt so afraid and so ashamed at the same time. Could they… could they be right?

“I’m fine,” she continued repeating herself until the tears started flooding and she had no more strength to obey the voice, letting Inna give her a hug and tell her that she would be there for her. The voice continued screaming and blaming and pointing its finger at her, making her cry out loud even more.

She lost, she knew it. The voice had always been stronger than her, and she had lost against it.

In fact, she had been losing ever since it had been born.

Everything happened so fast after the realization; a proper eating disorder specialist was assigned to her at the hospital, they ran some more health checks on her and gave her the diagnosis with guidelines for outpatient care because otherwise she would need to go inpatient and no matter what, she felt like she couldn’t give up on her studies. She was given nutritional advice and a meal plan, she was given a psychologist’s contact as well, her first appointment already settled, and by the time she left the hospital, she felt so weak and exhausted that she just wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t.

Inna was there to remind her that she should eat, and despite the fact that it was extremely difficult with that voice in her head screaming at her, she realized that she didn’t want to die. No. It had never been about wanting to die although by the end she had really felt like dying, she just wouldn’t admit it. She had felt so alone, and at least that voice had been there for her to comfort her, and it had really felt like it had become a friend. Until it hadn’t.

But no, she didn’t want to die. She might not have had a loving family or lots of friends or anything, but she still had dreams and things she wanted to accomplish, and just the thought of dying… it scared her. It scared her more than she would admit, so even if she was eating through tears, she did eat dinner that night, followed by a night of reading upon eating disorders and hers specifically - anorexia nervosa.

She indeed found articles about anorexia sufferers dying from their symptoms because their organs had stopped working properly and their hearts had stopped. It was so terrifying that Luda found herself crying again; a constant reaction ever since she had been told that she might have an eating disorder, and she had to realize that she had been holding back these tears all these time. She had never once cried ever since her break-up with Jaejun almost a year before, and it had come back all at once. She had convinced herself that she was fine and that she was doing well when really, she had never been sicker in her life, and people hadn’t even noticed. Her mother had even said that she had wished she could have her will-power, one horrible family encounter following another horrible one after that specific time.

She cried herself to sleep that night, hating the fact that things had gotten so out of control when she had been so convinced that she had been in control of her life, and hating herself, her life and that fucking voice in her head that made her feel like she couldn’t stop, but at least, she now knew that it was a problem, and if she wanted to live, she had to go against that voice.

Oh, how she wished it would have been that easy to just think that she could do it and then do it, but no. The first few days were okay, but then came the guilt and then restricting again, and then came the guilt for not eating well and then the cycle went on, eventually interrupted by the therapy sessions that did seem to help actually. At first, she was so damn scared to speak up and she just wanted to shrug it off, saying that she was doing better, she didn’t need help, but then the psychologist asked about her feelings, her real feelings, she asked about her relationships and family and childhood memories, and Luda once again had to realize that she had been deceiving herself all along.

That she had indeed never had the emotional support she had needed when she had been growing up, and that it showed in her low self-esteem, self-hatred and distorted body image. That she had always tried to suppress her feelings even when her boyfriend had dumped her and when her best friend hadn’t even wanted to confess to what had happened with Jaejun. She had tried so hard to always put others first that she had lost herself all along, her feelings buried under the pressure and her need to please others and to not hurt them, yet again triggered by what her parents had taught her, especially in relation to her younger sister.

Then again, that comparison with her younger sister and Luda not being the favourite child also came to surface, and she had never cried more than during that specific therapy session, finally seeing the situation for what it was and not just brushing it off, saying that it didn’t hurt her. Because it did, it always did. She just didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful child because she got a roof above her head, her parents paid for her tuition fees and they were doing well financially, so she couldn't have complained about those, but the emotional part… It had been lacking all along, and no matter how much she yearned for it, no matter how much she had tried to please her parents, she had always been pushed to the side as the second child.

“Eating disorders can manifest in many forms, but a lot of patients are actually silently struggling and yearning for love, acceptance and control, the people around them just wouldn’t notice or understand,” her psychologist told her when Luda apologized for crying, and the middle-aged woman tried to do everything in her power to make her feel better by telling her that it was okay to cry and what she was feeling was completely understandable.

“They never noticed. My mom even said that she wished she could have my will-power,” she admitted between sobs, getting the words out feeling a bit deliberating. She had never dared to say anything bad about her parents to others, but it felt like a wall had been broken down, and then many others followed.

The interesting thing about therapy was that after a while, Luda started getting more and more memories back as they were talking about certain topics, and it was odd, but her psychologist told her that those were the so-called repressed memories that might have been buried in the back of her mind because of the idea that her parents were perfect and that they had always been there for her when in reality they hadn’t been and these memories unlocked some hidden parts of her mind and of her hurt. Therefore, coming to terms with such situations definitely helped her to move on with her recovery, and therapy seemed useful.

Although just like with everything, there were always good and bad ones. In the beginning, there were a lot more bad days than good days, but it was because she knew that what she had been doing was wrong, and she hadn’t known before how to go against the voice, so she needed to learn it now. Not suppressing her emotions was also difficult because it was emotionally very much draining to realize just how many emotions she could feel and how overwhelming they could be.

Inna also became a great support to her, and even though Luda needed to be the one to save herself, she needed to be the one to pick up the food and eat it and deal with the emotions afterwards, having someone who had seen her at the worst, yet stayed by her side and tried to understand her was so reassuring because she knew she wasn’t alone.

“You know, I may not understand what you are going through, but anorexia is a serious mental illness, and it’s not an extreme diet like others say. So really, I’m so proud of you, and I’m always here if you need someone. Never ever think that you’re a burden,” Inna told her once when Luda was doubting why she had stayed by her side, and she gave her a thankful smile in return, but it wasn’t enough to show her gratitude. But she was trying. “I’m glad to see you smile again,” she added with a smile herself, and even though this wasn’t even a compliment, Luda felt like it was, and she felt almost teary hearing her words.

Some people seemed to be able to get why even smiling was a big thing.

Many relapses happened afterwards, and it didn’t help either that Luda’s parents didn’t think that it was more than an extreme diet and kept asking about her weight and kept telling her not to go to therapy because she didn’t have big enough of a problem, but she couldn’t care anymore. She put herself first and still pulled through with it because she knew how much she needed any help she could get and she knew it was about so much more than just food.

However, there was one person who actually came back into her life, and she was taken aback when she received a message from him, but when Jin asked if she was doing well, she found herself telling him about her mental health struggles, and told him that if he could wait a bit more, she would come out of it better Then, as someone who had a psychologist friend, Jin tried his best to support her even through messages, and eventually, they met up at the Hope Café again after Jin had asked her dozens of times if it was alright for her to eat out and whether she would feel uncomfortable.

She did feel a bit uncomfortable, but she knew that if she didn’t give it a try, the voice would win, and she didn’t want that, so she gritted her teeth, met the young man and let herself be fully concentrated on what he said instead of what she was eating.

“I’ve tried to ask my friend and look up what to say to someone with an eating disorder when they are eating, so I just want to say I’m really proud of you, every bite must be difficult for you, yet you are here, and you keep trying. That must require such strength and bravery on your part. You are the real fighter here,” Jin mentioned totally seriously, and Luda found herself absolutely speechless.

It was one thing that Inna who had taken her to the hospital after her fainting said similar things, but someone from whom she had isolated herself, someone who could have easily forgotten about her and someone who had never been forced to ask his psychologist friend or look up what eating disorders were about did so… It was truly heartwarming.

“Thank you, Jin. Really. I-I…” She tried to find the words to say, but she had no idea if words could portray what she was feeling. “Not everyone would take the time to look up such things, so I’m more than thankful.”

It might not have been easy to be around him and to believe that he was genuine, but she tried her best, and the more time passed, the more she realized that he was as genuine and understanding as one could be. Opening up to someone was always difficult, even more so with her struggles, but as time went by, she realized that it wasn’t a weakness to lean on others and others didn’t find her a burden when she was talking about her worries and hardships, and that some people would really just be there for her even if they weren’t family.

Though not until she actually learned to love herself, could she believe that others could love her, but after that, it became a bit easier to be around people and to be in her own skin. She also had to realize that life couldn’t be measured in numbers or expectations or others’ opinions or academic achievements, but in smiles, laughter, dreams, hopes and in the genuine love of people who were there for her including herself.

[greekgeek21]

Percy Jackson & The Avengers: Convergence - percy is taken by the men (women) in black

Ok, so by what I've been hearing, there has been some confusion regarding the timeline, so here's the full explanation: figure it out for yourselves. My beta reader and I have already discussed this (MONTHS AGO IN FACT!) and we ultimately decided to not go into any specifics because it wasn't important to the story and the only thing you guys needed to know was that Percy and Annabeth were 18 now, and it's after the first Avengers movie and that Thor's not there. Got it? Ok, now to the real good stuff!

Thank you to all the people who have responded kindly to this story. Honestly, it made my day to find that I had already received 3 reviews on ff before it had even been out an hour. So, thanks so much guys.

THIS IS STILL CANON I JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE CHARACTERS MENTION MAGNUS CHASE OR THE KANES YET YOU MONGRELS!!! Ok. I think I covered everything. Stay safe and happy reading!

- your author

PS hopefully these will start to get shorter cuz I hate reading long A/Ns on other fanfics so I don't want to be THAT person.

Ω ♆ Ω

Knock Knock

"Come in, Hill," Fury said, already knowing it would be his second-in-command.

As she entered, Fury noticed a slight change in her attitude. It wasn't large, but it was noticeable to the experienced spy's eyes. It was almost- confusion? What could she have discovered that caused her to be confused?

"Sir, I found a possible suspect. He's...not what we expected," Hill told him, placing a file on his desk.

The file included a single piece of paper. A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER!!! Who was this guy that could evade SHIELD's suspicion for so long? Surely, someone smart. Very smart.

"What do you mean, Hill?" he asked, picking up the paper.

The woman in question cleared her throat before responding, "See for yourself. He's just a kid."

Not displaying any surprise, though there was some going through his head, Fury read the information on the sheet:

Name: PERSEUS "PERCY" JACKSON

Gender: MALE

Age/DOB: 18; AUGUST 18, 1993

Status: ALIVE

Last Known Location: MANHATTAN, NY

Place of Birth: MANHATTAN, NY

Race: CAUCASIAN

Height: 6'1"

Hair: BLACK

Eyes: GREEN

Disabilities: DYSLEXIA, ADHD

Family: Sally Blofis (Formerly Jackson), Mother - ALIVE

Paul Blofis, Step Father - ALIVE

Estelle Blofis, Maternal Half Sister - ALIVE

Gabe Ugliano, Step Father - MISSING

BIOLOGICAL FATHER UNKNOWN

Education: GOODE HIGH SCHOOL - EXPELLED

YANCY ACADEMY - EXPELLED

...6 OTHER EXPULSIONS

Abilities/Weapons: CLASSIFIED

Other Info: Was involved in a nation-wide manhunt at 12 years old; Pushed class into shark tank; Blew up school bus with colonial cannon; Flooded an Aquarium; Seen traveling Greece with six other teens after missing three months of school (wasn't reported missing by parents);Suspected abilities; Was seen at Brooklyn Bridge explosion

Fury sighed. Just great. Another troublemaker to give him a headache. And what was with the Classified stamp? Nothing is classified to the director of the company who created the file, so why was this?

Deciding to put it off for further thought, and steeling himself over again, Fury gave his orders to Agent Hill, "Find him. Bring him in for questioning. Don't make a scene."

They were simple orders in themselves, but Fury knew better than to expect everything to go smoothly. Any second grader could figure out that Perseus Jackson was not one to do things smoothly. Hell, it would be a miracle if they even got the chance to talk to the kid before he did some crazy stunt that would most likely get someone hurt. That's just how Fury's luck was.

"Understood, sir. I'll let you know when we have him in custody," Hill answered before briskly striding out the office door.

Fury sighed once she was gone, running a hand over his face. With nobody watching, he could truly let the stress on the inside seep into the outside. It wasn't just this one case either, there had been a couple other bombings popping up around the US, and they weren't any closer to finding the source. All they knew about them was that they were connected and that they were seemingly random attacks. Add finding Jackson to the mix and his mind was about ready to implode.

But unfortunately, the director of SHIELD didn't have time for breaks, so he went back to work on the multitude of information residing on his desk.

Ω ♆ Ω

Percy and Annabeth were back at home, which was currently the Blofis apartment, and they were enjoying every minute of it. With his sister Estelle around, there was always something to do. Percy absolutely adored his sister. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. Just another side effect of his fatal flaw.

He hadn't told his mother or Paul what had happened during their trip, not wanting to worry them, but he had given Annabeth the simple explanation when he got back. He made sure to stress that he had been discreet, so she had eventually given up the interrogation. That's why it was such a surprise when they were sent a visitor not a week later.

When it happened, Percy was playing with Estelle in the living room while Annabeth studied in their room. Even though she had graduated from high school early, and they weren't due to start at New Rome University for several months, she insisted on keeping up with her studies. He, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less about school. The only reason he was going to college was so he could stay near Annabeth.

Sally was cooking lunch in the kitchen, and Paul was at work. There wasn't much the man could do for the case of Percy's expulsion from Goode, but he still worked there as an English teacher. And Percy used the powers of being a savior of Olympus to get a diploma for himself from the gods anyway. Annabeth still made him study sometimes, but he figured it was the least he could do after practically giving his girlfriend a heart attack when he announced he wasn't planning on finishing mortal high school.

Just as he was about to let Estelle win their game of cars, there was a knock at the door. Since his mother was closer to it, Percy didn't feel the need to interrupt his playtime with his baby sister. A year ago, Percy would have bolted to the door to make sure it wasn't a monster, but ever since the end of the Giant War, monsters tended to steer clear of the smell of the sea. Besides Kelli, of course. She was a perpetual nuisance for Percy.

And just as he was about to make his car lose, his mother called him, "Percy! There's someone at the door for you."

He was immediately on alert. The way his mom's voice sounded made it seem like she was trying to warn him, so his mind went straight down monster lane. Gripping Riptide in his pocket, Percy made his way to the front door, trying to act casual, but his muscles were tensed for battle.

"Coming, Mom!" he answered.

What he found was certainly not what he was expecting. Sure, it wouldn't have been a surprise to find that it wasn't obviously a monster, but his eyes weren't completely masked by the Mist. He could still tell when in the presence of something related to the divine, and he most-certainly was not in that moment.

As he got to the door, he noticed that his mom had positioned her body to block the entrance to the apartment. So not a monster, but possibly a threat, he concluded.

"Who's this?" he asked his mom, taking her place in front of the doorway.

"I'm Agent Hill with the FBI, and I have a few questions to ask. Would it be alright if we stepped inside?" the woman introduced herself, flashing a badge.

Percy wished he could have checked the badge's authentication, but his dyslexia prohibited that. He did his best to keep a cool persona as he acted like he could actually read what was on the badge. Given that his mother hadn't made any protests, he passed it off as good enough.

He narrowed his eyes at the agent, assessing her threat level quickly before deciding that saying 'no' would cause more trouble than saying 'yes' and answering with a simple, "Sure."

He and his mom backed away and let the women enter before shutting the door behind them. As the woman walked inside, Percy and his mom shared a silent conversation. He told her to take Estelle to her room and stay with her after alerting Annabeth of their visitor. He was sure that his girlfriend had already figured it out, but better to be safe than sorry.

"Take a seat. Do you want anything to drink?" Percy gestured to the kitchen table and went to grab glasses out of the cupboard.

The woman took a seat before saying, "Some water would be great, thank you."

Percy mentally noted that the woman was keeping a professional front while trying to still be friendly.

After he had gotten the water and sat himself down across from Agent Hill, he said, "You said you wanted to ask some questions. I'm not sure why, though. I haven't done anything."

Hill took a sip of her water before responding, "Well, we are just going over some of our older files and wanted to fill in some blanks on yours. For instance, where were you when you disappeared? We have a record saying you were spotted in Greece."

Percy had been prepared for this question. Annabeth had ingrained it in his head after he had run into his old swim team and had fumbled over an answer. After that, Annabeth had come up with a whole explanation for what seemed like every possible question out there.

So, he quickly answered, "I was with my dad."

He had been told that it was best to answer with short sentences. That way there was less room for confusion. Honestly, he was surprising himself with the calmness he exhibited. Annabeth had suspected he would end up needing her to rescue him if the need for these explanations ever arose.

"I thought you didn't know who your dad was," Hill countered smoothly, gaze becoming almost snake-like.

"We recently connected. He lives in Greece," Percy said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could make out some blond curls peeking out from the edge of the hallway leading to the bedrooms. His mind let out a sigh at the knowledge that his Wise Girl was here to save him from whatever inevitable mistake he made.

"Ok, then could you please inform me of his name?" Hill asked, "And then maybe we could travel somewhere more private for the rest of my questions."

She could tell that they were being spied on, then. That seemed like a little above the average skill-level of an FBI agent to Percy, but he was just basing his thoughts off of movies, so he wasn't too sure.

Whatever the case, there was no way that he was going to go anywhere with Agent Hill. Here at home, he was on his turf. Wherever he was taken would be unknown territory, and it was common sense to not go into there.

Trying to dodge the name question, he said, "I'm not going anywhere with you without a warrant. I have rights, you know."

He was just saying what sounded right. Honestly, he had slept through US History. He barely knew who the first president was, let alone his constitutional rights.

"Those are irrelevant with probable cause, and we're only going to ask some more questions. I promise that if you come calmly, there will be no record of it anywhere," Hill said, standing up and brushing off invisible dirt from her clothes.

Percy thought about it, he really did...for a whole three seconds. I mean, what would one expect from the most irrational person on the planet?

"Yeah...sorry but I'm not going anywhere with you, especially not calmly," he said, standing up and reaching into his pocket again.

Even though he knew that the Agent was a mortal, and that Riptide would be useless in a fight against her, he still had an instinct to go for his most-trusted weapon when endangered. And in the moment, he felt extremely endangered.

Hill seemed to be trying to inconspicuously reach for her gun, but he saw it. His ADHD had kicked into overdrive, and he was noticing every little movement the woman made. ADHD could come in handy sometimes.

"Mr. Jackson, I highly suggest you stand down and let me take you in. I don't want this to get messy," Hill said smoothly, holding a hand out in a placating gesture.

"Too bad everything I do gets messy," Percy said, trying to simply swipe Agent Hill's legs out from under her, but she jumped over it and threw a punch to his temple, which is swiftly dodged.

Percy may have been taught to never hit girls when he was younger, but when he became a demigod, he learned that a threat could come from anywhere, and more often than not, it came from the female gender (or something resembling a female).

His signature troublemaker smirk made its way onto his face when he realized that this fight was actually something he had to work for. He wasn't arrogant persay, but he knew what he had defeated before, and a simple mortal isn't usually a comparison to them. But he knew better than to underestimate any opponent. Annabeth taught him that one. Speaking of Annabeth, she was still hiding behind the wall, probably waiting until the prime moment to strike. Always the strategist!

Hill and Percy's fight become a fluid motion. Sometimes they got a hit in, but most of the time it was a game of defend and retaliate. Nobody had the upper hand...yet.

Percy may be better at swordsmanship, but it wasn't like he was completely ignorant to hand-to-hand combat. He knew some stuff, including how to feint and attack. Blame Luke for that one.

So, Percy used the technique. He wasn't actually expecting it to work, considering the obvious skill level of the agent he was fighting, but maybe a simple trick was just the thing he needed to knock her off her game. Even so, when he feinted a punch to her temple, just to pull back and knee her in the stomach, he didn't stop in shock. He let his adrenaline guide him into pulling the woman into a headlock that even Tyson, with all his cyclops strength, would have trouble getting out of.

Hill pulled at his arm a couple times before giving up on that strategy and trying another one: talking, "You know, Perseus, this little display makes it really hard for me to believe you're innocent. In case you haven't noticed, you're holding a federal agent in a headlock."

Percy grip barely loosened, but his determination to defy the agent's questions lessened. She was right. What makes her think that he's one of the good guys if he fought another one of them? Nothing, that's what. Because of this, he let out a large sigh, making eye contact with Annabeth (who's eyes widened in realization and shock), and released Agent Hill. He knew that she had manipulated her, but he also knew that what she had said was true.

As soon as Hill was out of his hold, she turned around while simultaneously pulling her gun out and pointing it at Percy, chest heaving for breath, "Don't move! Get on your knees and put your hands behind your head."

Percy complied, but he could see Annabeth finally slipping into the light, ready to fight off the woman arresting her boyfriend. He met her eyes and tried to convey his thoughts, but she ignored him, instead opting to go ballistic on Agent Hill.

"What do you think you're doing?! Let him go!" she yelled and grabbed Percy as Hill cuffed Percy with some seriously high-tech handcuffs and tried to pull him to his feet.

Hill kept a steel face as she shoved Percy towards the door, "He assaulted a federal agent. I have probable cause."

All of the noise had pulled Sally out of her hiding spot in her daughter's room. Once she saw what was happening, she joined Annabeth in protest. Percy just really wanted them to let it happen. Better it be him than anyone else.

"Mom, Annabeth, let me go. I'll be fine, I promise." Percy said, eyes pleading as they reached the front door.

Annabeth scoffed, eyebrows furrowing, "Like that means anything!"

"Mom, let me go. I'll be fine," After saying that to his mother, Percy turned to Annabeth, "Tell my cousins what's going on. They can help."

He prayed that she understood what he was trying to say. He wanted her to tell their demigod friend's what happened to him, and then they could help her with whatever plan she comes up with. Knowing Annabeth, she already had a plan, though, so there was no doubt in his mind that she had understood what he was insinuating.

Annabeth hesitated before giving him a curt nod. Hill took that as her signal to tug him out the door, but before he was completely gone, Annabeth grabbed his face in her hands and gave him a kiss. They were deepening it as the Agent once again pulled him away. Annabeth and his mom's worried faces followed him until he was inside the elevator, heading down to the lobby.

On the ride down, his entire body tensed up as flashbacks from the Doors of Death shot through his mind. Usually, he could push them away when Annabeth was there with him, but the stress of the previous hour was weighing on his mind, so it became difficult. Hill seemed to think that he was going to try to resist again, so she pulled out her gun again, aiming at his side. For the first time, Percy noticed that the gun looked a little odd; it was glowing blue. Then, before he could react, Hill pulled the trigger and the last thing Percy saw before he blacked out was blue liquid seeping out of his side.

Ω ♆ Ω

How was it? Let me know in the comments! As always, like, follow, and reblog pls!! Thank you to my amazing beta reader, nightskywithrainbows on Ao3! This would suck without you! Go check out their writing!

- your author

other chapters :)