#homeless!jared

[brewed-pangolin]

Salvation at the Shelter

This is my first entry into the Soap It Up Challenge by @glitterypirateduck, and apparently I'm feeling angsty. I don't write angst well, but that doesn't mean I won't try. I only used one prompt for this, and I'll let y'all find it. Sorry for the feels on for this Super Soap Sunday.

cw: mentions of loss. also a few callbacks to mwiii if you look closely

Johnny. Your beloved Johnny.

Gone.

Taken away too soon. Leaving an emptiness in your heart and a hole within your soul.

You grieve for what feels like years, yet only turns out to be days. Time standing still as you continually waist away into a fetal crouched mess alone on your tile floor.

Friends, family, and colleagues all tell you to move on. You have to.

But you can't.

For how can one heal from the pain of losing the other half of your soul?

-

It takes you a solid six months to even begin to feel anything again. Feeling everything and nothing all at once. Overwhelming. And not enough.

The emptiness both devours you entirely while continually spitting you back out like a relentless living turbine.

You try to hide the pain behind a smile. It's futile, but it works with most nonetheless. Most.

A few take notice. Those with their own scared hearts and broken stitched souls underneath a practiced expression.

And that's when a coworker confides in you what she did when she lost her husband many years ago.

-

"Go to the shelter," she says plainly over the rim of her glass.

"The shelter?" You question, raising a brow while fumbling with your lunchbox.

"Like, the homeless shelter?"

"No, silly. The animal shelter. Lots of lost souls needing a home. Maybe one there will help fill that hole inside you."

"I'm fine." You bite back. Swallowing your emotions with a gulp of Orange Fanta as you briskly rise from your chair.

"Mhm. Just give it a shot. Might help." She says before turning to walk down the carpeted hall to return to the solitude of her cubicle.

And you're suddenly left alone again with your thoughts, staring aimlessly at the brightly colored face of the vending machine. The color of the Fanta bottle in your hand so reminiscent to the Irn Bru that was consistently stocked in your apartment, you thought you'd break down right then and there. In the middle of your office hallway.

Subtle reminders of him strewn about all through your day you'd nearly become numb to the constant memory of him.

You choked on your emotions once more. Walking as casually as possible back to the devoid walls of your cubicle. Busying yourself in a desperate attempt to rid the tight entanglement of Johnny's echo buried deep within your mind.

You'd take the advice. Go to the shelter. Fill the emotionless void within your soul with at least something. Anything. Hell, even a goldfish would do.

-

The sound was defeaning.

It made your ears ring and your bones tremble. The constant barrage of barks, howls and wails nearly made you spin on your heals and exit before even entering the double doors.

Yet you stood fast. Pushing forward. Perhaps somewhere in this cacophony of canine chaos, you could find solace from your unrelenting heartache.

"I'm just here to look," you tell the attendent with a stern brow. It's a lie, of course. But you muster the strength of poise and composure as your heart and spine wither to dust with every passing moment.

"That's what they all say," the keeper, Jared by the nameplate and probably no more than 18 replies. A wisdom in his voice as he's seen the world come through those doors a thousand times.

"C'mon. And don't get too close to the cages."

You follow close behind. Eyes scanning back and forth between metal bars, taking in the mirage of fur covered lost souls while somehow searching for one that may pull at your broken heart.

German shepherds. Pit bulls. Weimaraners. Jack Russels. Dachshunds. Every breed you could name and so many others you barely could identify.

And they all seemed to mirror your expression perfectly.

Searching. Waiting.

Waiting for an absolution that would never come.

You felt their pain. Their loneliness. Their betrayal.

Still though, non called to you. Marked you.

You were told not to look into their eyes, but how could you not. It had become so second nature to get lost in his eyes you nearly forgot what it felt like to be without them.

You were rounding the corner to the main exit, only a few cages remaining, and a sickening feeling began to boil within your gut. Choking on the bile in your throat with a fruitless attempt at speech.

"That it?"

It was a total loss. Heart sinking to your knees as Jared, the wayward keeper, opened the doors to escort you out of the wing and down an adjacent hall.

"I can show you one more. He's scheduled to be euthanized tonight. He's young. But he's very high energy. And a stubborn little shit. Which is why no one wants him."

He knitted his brow, opening the door to let you in as the overwhelming sound of aggressive barking and growling filled your ears.

Reluctantly, you stepped into the confined room. The solitude had made the poor animal more ruthless and hostile to anyone who stepped through those heavy doors.

Yet something pulled you in. A feeling. A tug at your heart that swiftly moved to wrap around your spine and move you forward.

And as you shut the door, the barking steadily began to settle. The blur of furr and teeth slowed and gradually transformed into a more discernable figure.

And as you stepped up to the cage, you cautiously crouched down to meet the animal at its level and finally met the eyes of a soul you had thought was lost to you long ago.

Blue. A blue so pure yet somehow so misunderstood. An icy cerulean wrapped around tan fur and sharpened teeth topped with blacked edged ears and darkened socks on his feet.

His, because it was obvious. He hadn't been fixed yet.

"Yeah, he's got a thing with doors. He's fine while they're closed but goes ballistic at the slightest movement."

You take note of the dogs calming demeanor. Keeping a close eye on him, scanning across his back and hindquarters, inspecting his conformation for any obvious or detrimental abnormalities.

"Poor thing seems pretty docile once he's settled down," you remark. "Why'd the last family give him up?"

You slid slowly along your feet, edging closer as the canine's demeanor shifts to become more open and submissive. Ears perked with a gradual pull of its paw to expose its tender underbelly.

"They lived next to a railroad or something. Apparently, he hates trains, too."

"What's his name?" You inquire, unable to break the stare as you gently move your hand between the bars in an attempt to gain a physical connection.

"He doesn't have one. And I wouldn't do that, ma'am. He's got-"

He chokes on his words as the fearful pup inches forward to bring the top of his nose your fingertips. You remain calm, quiet. And so does Jared. More out of sheer terror of the inevitable bite that was surely to come.

With a few curious sniffs of your scent, the dog pulls himself forward and against your hand in a desperate attempt to feel your touch.

He curls his back into your palm, rolling his spine underneath the tips of our fingers while moving to lay on the concrete floor.

It's in that moment you know you've been marked. Two lost souls finding one another in the cold and metal walls of a heartache and rekindling the vigor of life within your devoid souls.

"Damn. Never seen him do that before."

You acknowledge his voice, but the only sound reverberating in your ears is the constant strum of your beating heart. Alive once more as the ancient connection between man's best friend heals the scars of an unending loss.

"How old is he?" You ask, turning to face the man standing next to you. Comfortable enough to trust the newly found bond forged as a feeling of warmth and rejuvenation bellows from within your abdomen.

"About six months, I think. Give or taken a few weeks."

Six months. It's purely coincidence.

"I'll take him."

"Alright then. I'll get the paperwork."

You retract your hand just as Jared opens the door, and the frightened pup bolts to cowar in the safety of the corner once more.

But he remains silent. A searching stare locking into your gaze to gauge how to move forward with this unknown terrain.

Slowly, you extend your hand once more into the cage to coax him back to your touch. Rebuild the bond of trust once more as you wait for the inevitable to blow through the door.

With a solemn yet comforted look in the pups eyes, he gradually crawls over and rests his chin within the palm of your hand. Soul blazing eyes staring up within the confines of furr, having a certain familiarity you hadn't seen since so painfully losing that love so long ago.

"That's it. I'll take care of you," you whsiper in a voice akin to haunting within the walls. Rubbing your thumb along his bristled jaw line, not to dissimilar to the affection you showed once before to another blue eyed angel.

The heavy door swung open once more, yet you both remained entwined within an enamored bond as the attendant gently turned the metal knob.

"Think you've found yourself a dog there, ma'am," he muttered with a smile, extending the pen and paperwork for your newly attained ownership.

"You think of a name yet?"

You remained silent for a moment. Knowing full well his name was bestowed upon him the moment you walked through that door.

With one quick glance into his eyes once more, you fell in love with him all over again. And uttered the name you'd thought was destined to become nothing more than a distant memory.

"Johnny. Gonna call him Johnny."

This is hit me just before going to bed and I had to get it out. Love them furbabies. Boop all the snoots.

@deadbranch @sofasoap @d3athtr4psworld @writeforfandoms @punishmepunisher @glitterypirateduck @homicidal-slvt @jynxmirage @obligatoryghoststare @shotmrmiller @astraluminaaa @ghosts-goldendoodle @kkaaaagt @mykneeshurt @simpingoverquestionablemen @queen-ilmaree @thetrashpossum @designateddeadend @luismickydees @foxface013

[askmovieslate]

Do you remember that scene where Patrick Bateman stabs a homeless man and then stomps his puppy to death? Or when he gets into a shootout with the police after killing two men? How about the scene where he drops a chainsaw down a stairs' chute and impales a woman with it?

But no, the scene that stays in everyone's memory is the one with the business cards. You guys are so boring.

Also maybe it's just me, but it's very funny how Christian Bale beats Jared Leto to death with an axe. Batman didn't fuck around when killing the Joker on this one.

[justenjoythegossip]

PR spin, credibility of team PR/team Real and the toxicity that they purposefully manufacture, the end of the shitshow: a few random thoughts

The PR spin 

Some mods have been writing that the recent papwalk of Chris and Abba was staged (which it clearly was by the way), Jesal the trolling pap has admitted to it as well, proving something. But regarding celebrities, 99% of what comes out in the media or on SM is staged and manufactured for PR purposes. 

Meghan and Harry call the paps on them all the time and people are not questioning whether they are a legitimate couple. Robert Pattinson and Suki have called Backgrid to show that they were expecting. And guess what? They were expecting. When Jennifer Garner was recently pictured giving money to a homeless person, it was clearly staged and probably served as damaged control for her horrible interview with Regina King. 

So again the staging and the manufacturing for PR purposes do not give us any information on whether a couple is legitimate or if they are only playing for the cameras. Of course, we can strongly suspect Chris and Abba are not legitimate, there are so many clues and signs that point to it but it’s for another discussion. 

The purposely badly manufactured PR…

However, we can question the quality of the content that’s being fed to us because their papwalk didn’t sell their love or marriage at all (that aspect has been already discussed). So the question remains. Why is that? Does Chris hate her so much that he is incapable of acting a very simple scene? Or doesn’t he make much of an effort to sell it because it serves another purpose? Because, they are both actors and what is asked of them is not Sophie’s Choice. So many actors who hated each other’s guts had to play romantic leads and managed to sell it. On the show Castle, Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic famously hated one another and there are countless examples. But why can’t Chris and Abba do it? Or why won’t they? 

The general public won’t look past the big picture. So for them, Chris and Abba will look either cute or creepy (most comments seem pretty negative though). However, the people who pay close attention will be able to interpret the signs the way they want to. So by staging this bad papwalk, they are feeding both team real and team pr by keeping the discourse very much alive and riling people up in order to keep them engaged. 

It has been the tactics used by their teams since the very beginning. They have been weaponizing Chris’ fandom to instigate anger and division so that they could drive traffic and make them gain more attention. Because, they don’t register with the general public. Their names were not even used for clickbait in the Just Jared article about the Scarlett’s Christmas party (which was more likely Colin’s party given all the SNL people present but the spin that it was her party and not her husband’s is telling). Interest in him is fading and she is still a nobody. So the controversy, the inconsistencies, the mysteries and of course the end of the shitshow are all designed to keep his fandom (or what’s left of it) engaged. 

Who are Team PR and Team real…

By team Real and Team PR, I am not including mods who have an opinion on whether Chris and Abba are a legitimate couple with a PR spin (situationship or not, relationship or not, married or not) or exclusively PR but I am talking about mods who claim to know the truth one way or the other, who claim to have insider information and use vitriolic rhetoric against the other group and attack them constantly and viciously or anyone who writes anything contradictory to the narrative they are trying to sell. Those mods are, I believe, either trolls or plants paid by their teams to keep the discourse alive. 

Why both Team PR and Team real have no credibility…

Both Teams have lost all credibility at this point. 

Team Real have seen some of their mods make a complete incredible nonsensical and non-credible U-turn from debunking Chris and Abba’s stunts to selling them as a real couple and shipping them. This includes the mods who had debunked the yoga certificate, pointed out the photoshopped pics in the scare videos or Valentine’s drop and so forth.

By the way, how credible is it that those people recognized the hotel room in Finland (that had 12 rooms by the way) from one picture of Chris and Abba? How credible is it that they recognized the hotel room in Lisbon from the video Chris did for that teacher? Also how credible is it (and how hilarious) that those mods got the exclusive that Renner and Hemsworth were in Boston and told two strangers that they were there for Chris’ kinda first “wedding” when they “reportedly signed an NDA” according to very reliable People’s magazine (read sarcasm here)? 

Team Real also includes the mods that called Chris absolute horrible names like groomer and pedophile before making a complete U-turn  when they allegedly went to the NY con to get a pic with their favorite Captain America. 

But Team PR has lost all credibility as well. They have pretended to be privy to private and personal information regarding Chris to spew nonsense, viciously attack, troll and lie for more than a year now. 

One mod (that I won’t name) have recently made a post saying that people who didn’t know PR or Chris shouldn’t express their opinion on the matter. As if they had any credibility to do so themselves? Recently again they have said that the PR was about to be over because they were spending Thanksgiving apart and the Forbes articles made no mention of her. Also let’s not forget that those mods were part of a scam when they asked fans to give money for a fund to save Chris (a multimillionaire) from this PR nightmare!

But it’s very possible that those mods  don’t want people to express their opinions because they want to control the narrative, like their counterparts from Team real. 

The controversy around the ending of that shitshow…

I can safely say that the end of this shitshow is a controversial subject because I was recently insulted and blocked by one of those so-called Team PR blogs for only stating after the Forbes article that I thought that the PR games were very likely to continue for a while. I still believe a 4-month marriage would be bad publicity for Chris, especially after marrying a 26 year old that looks like his niece. 

But what I find interesting is that they are pushing that the end is near (they have been pushing that lie since the Ghosted premiere by the way) when in truth no one knows when it’s going to end. Except the protagonists of that shitshow and their teams. 

Of course they will probably be right at some point. I think no one believes that they are endgame. But what’s interesting is by keeping people’s hopes alive that it will end soon, they are making sure that people stay engaged. If you were to tell people, relax, it’s going to last for a while, many would check out and leave the fandom. Because many fans that are left are waiting for the end, desperately waiting for it. 

[pagannatural]

1.21 Salvation

-John finally, after some 22 years, lets his sons in on his plans and shows them everything he’s got on the demon that killed their mom and Jess.

-John is such a good character. I’m not really interested in liking or disliking him, I just love his part in this story. He reacted to an unimaginable situation in a human way. Who among us can say, really, how we would parent two small children if our wife was brutally murdered on the ceiling by a demon who then burned down our entire house? John truly thought the whole world was a war zone so he made his kids soldiers rather than getting them to safety. To understand John you have to understand that Safe and Normal as concepts were destroyed for him. He wanted to protect his boys so badly that he tried to prepare them and toughen them and train them but he also wanted to shield them so he hid as much as he could from them. He taught them that people were dying and they were responsible for stopping it. He put all of that on their way-too-young shoulders all while refusing to trust them or let them in.

Under all that pressure, Sam and Dean created their own world, their bubble of safety with each other. They give each what they need in the most vital and fundamental sense, nourishing each other in a hostile environment. They share something that no one else could ever understand.

So thanks, John.

-“It’s not your problem, it’s our problem” is an objectively kind and supportive thing to say so I’m proud of Dean for managing to shout it angrily at Sam. Such passion such energy

-Sam looks like a little kid this whole scene where Dean and John are arguing about parenting him. Dean stands up to John again and defends himself. He’s Sam’s daddy now (sorry)

-John tells Sam “I want you to go to school, I want Dean to have a home” which is hilarious to me because it implies that he thinks of Dean as a homeless man (which he is).

Dean glances at Sam when John says this and then hangs his head. Sam is his home. And he feels responsible for Sam leaving school (which he is).

-In the car Sam tells Dean “I want to thank you” but the you comes out as “ya”. This happens another time when Sam tells Dean “I still love you” (or something close to that) in s5e11. It’s unusual for Sam. He doesn’t ya his you’s regularly at the end of a sentence. Jared and Jensen both have typical midwestern accents on the show. Jared intentionally changes his speech pattern when he’s possessed, so that words like “wasn’t” or “doesn’t” are enunciated when normally Sam pronounces it like “wud’n” or “dud’n” with a very soft “d.”

Point being, something is causing Sam to shy off of saying these things and making them sound too serious so he says “I want to thank ya” which sounds more casual. When he’s lost in emotion (like later when he throws Dean against a wall and says “don’t you say that”), he enunciates his you’s. I think this is unintentional of Sam and intentional of Jared. Sam’s trying not to scare Dean off or sound too confessional- he’s seen how Dean reacts to that.

-Sam says “even when I couldn’t count on anyone”

Dean gave him consistency and safety and the knowledge that he was always loved. Dean’s his sanctuary.

-Dean says the house is “burning to the ground, it’s suicide”

“I don’t care” “I do”

Sam is reckless. He has a safe place to land, so he often acts without really thinking through the consequences, and Dean is always there for him. This is the THIRD house fire Dean has protected Sam from. Interesting that Sam asked Jessica, his Dean replacement, “what would I do without you?” in ep1 and she said “crash and burn.” Actually that’s what you would do without Dean :)

-Sam says killing the demon is “all we’ve ever cared about” he doesn’t realize that Dean has always cared more about him than about revenge or justice or whatever else. Dean would rather have Sam. Wild that Sam doesn’t know he’s Dean’s top priority yet. I wonder if he knew that pre-Stanford?

-Sam gets angry when Dean says they can’t bring Jessica or their mom back. It mirrors Dean slamming Sam against the wall in ep1 when he told Dean their mom is never coming back. Sam’s anger melts as soon as Dean speaks and he ends up just kind of grasping Dean’s shirt and pressing into him with this desperate look on his face. They look at each other’s mouths.

-Dean is accepting of Sam grabbing him and throwing him against a wall, just like Sam handles it in s2 when Dean punches him in the face. They have no normal way to express how intensely they feel about each other so it comes out as violence or care when one is injured. Love and need and pain are inextricable between them- they love each other in ways that are painful. So they just submit to each other like Yes, finally something that feels strong enough. It’s like it’s soothing to express and receive each other’s needs, even as pain. It has to come out somehow.

-Dean says that the three of them are all he has and “sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together” Dean doesn’t let himself fall apart, and he wants to fall apart with Sam here, begging Sam to be careful with his life, to understand that he needs Sam. He’s saying Please don’t get hurt, I need you, I’m falling apart.

Sam could kiss him right now. Dean’s not holding it together enough to try pushing Sam away or protecting him from their feelings.

-Dean says “without you and dad, I-” and I think that Dean obviously loves and cares about John but the real issue is that he couldn’t say “without you, I-” on network television because they would have just made out. The mention of their dad brings Sam back to himself. He turns away from Dean and lets go of him with what looks like some effort. Dean looks lost and he’s also still tilting his head up with his lips parted looking like Sam didn’t kiss him. Sam asks him to call John.

-This parallels when Dean told Sam to call Sarah in 1x19. Dean calls even though he’s still emotionally involved in the conversation with Sam and didn’t finish what he was saying. He’s just admitted something that was difficult for him, and Sam reacted by pulling away, distancing himself, exactly as Dean did when Sam admitted Jessica isn’t the main reason he’s not interested in anyone.

I’m a John-would-kill-Dean truther if he found out about anything untoward going on between his boys, so the mention of their Dad and the fact that he’s in danger would absolutely make Sam force himself away from Dean.

This specific dynamic of Sam pleading with Dean for something and Dean surrendering brokenly to Sam in a Please give it to me Please just take it loop where neither is willing to act makes me want to chew on my own ribcage.

[wlw-webcomic-bracket]

In my professional life offline, I work with community development programs funded by the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). One of the most important of these programs is the HOME Investment Partnerships Program, or “HOME” (not an acronym for some reason). In the last couple years, my office has contributed HOME funding to construction of around 400 new apartment units reserved for low-income families, plus conversion of a former hotel to single-resident occupancy units for people exiting homelessness and security deposit assistance for renters moving into market-rate units. I have a secondary role in the HOME program (most of my work is on a different grant, although I’ve contributed to the environmental reviews for all of our current round of projects), but I am immensely proud of what our team has done with a limited resource in a horrifically expensive housing market.

In 2023, House Republicans proposed cutting HUD’s 2024 budget for the HOME program by 67%, from $1.5 billion to $500 million.

Their proposal didn’t make it into the final bill. The President and Senate (under Democratic leadership) proposed HOME budgets of $1.8 billion and $1.5 billion, respectively. The final compromise budget allocated HUD $1.25 billion for the HOME program, a 17% cut which was passed down to every local HOME jurisdiction.

I’m glad the budget cuts weren’t worse. But what this means, in practical terms, is that one out of every six people we could have helped this year gets nothing. One out of every six people who would have received rent assistance is facing eviction. One out of every six people that would have received an affordable unit priced at 30% of their income has to keep giving 50% or more of their paycheck to market-rate landlords. We’re doing what we can with local resources, but there’s only so much you can do at the local level when federal funding goes away.

House Republicans are trying to reduce HOME funding to just $500 million again in 2025. So far, the Senate has rejected this, but barring a miracle upset, Democrats are almost certain to lose control of the Senate after next week’s election. If Republicans keep control of the House, and especially if they keep the House and win the Presidency, there is nothing stopping them from gutting housing programs completely.

I understand why people are frustrated with our choices this election. I am frustrated with our choices this election. But at the end of the day, I have a duty to my community. With Democrats in office, I can keep fulfilling that duty. With Republicans in office, I will lose the best tools I have to make a material difference to the vulnerable people who live around me. The people I serve will lose their housing, or they will lose their best path out of homelessness. There is no way around it.

Please, give me the tools to keep helping. Vote for Democrats up and down ballot, and once we’ve got them in office, thank them for doing what they do well and pressure the hell out of them to do better on the issues where they suck.

Because of gerrymandering (and geographic issues in general), control of the House will probably come down to just a few dozen races. I’m not endorsing any of these candidates on a personal level - some of them are probably good, some of them definitely suck - but they are the only bulwark we have against a party that wants to dismantle everything good about this country and lean into all the most shameful parts of our history. Every election matters, but if you live in one of these House districts, your vote is particularly important:

Alaska: AK-01 Mary Pelolta

Arizona: AZ-01 Amish Shah, AZ-06 Kirsten Engel

California: CA-13 Adam Gray, CA-22 Rudy Salas, CA-27 George Whitesides, CA-41 Will Rollins, CA-45 Derek Tran, CA-47 Dave Min

Colorado: CO-03 Adam Frisch, CO-08 Yadira Caraveo

Connecticut: CT-05 Jahana Hayes

Indiana: IN-01 Frank Mrvan

Iowa: IA-01 Christina Bohannan, IA-03 Lanon Baccam

Maine: ME-02 Jared Golden

Michigan: MI-07 Curtis Hertel Jr., MI-08 Kristen McDonald Rivet, MI-10 Carl Marlinga

Minnesota: MN-02 Angie Craig

Montana: MT-01 Monica Tranel

Nebraska: NE-02 Tony Vargas

New Jersey: NJ-07 Sue Altman

New Mexico: NM-02 Gabe Vasquez

New York: NY-04 Laura Gillen, NY-17 Mondaire Jones, NY-19 Josh Riley, NY-22 John Mannion

North Carolina: NC-01 Don Davis

Ohio: OH-09 Marcy Kaptur, OH-13 Emilia Sykes

Oregon: OR-05 Janelle Bynum

Pennsylvania: PA-07 Susan Wild, PA-08 Matt Cartwright, PA-10 Janelle Stelson

Texas: TX-34 Vicente Gonzalez

Virginia: VA-02 Missy Cotter Smasal, VA-07 Eugene Vindman

Washington: WA-03 Marie Gluesenkamp Perez

Wisconsin: WI-03 Rebecca Cooke

[gatheringbones]

best books of 2022 rec list:

fiction:

chouette by claire oshetsky

forty thousand in gehenna by cj cherryh

fierce femmes and notorious liars by kai cheng thom

sula by toni morrison

everyone in this room will someday be dead by emily r. austin

jane eyre by charlotte bronte

villette by charlotte bronte

non-fiction:

gay spirit by mark thompson

we too: stories on sex work and survival by natalie west

transgender history by susan stryker

blood marriage wine & glitter by s bear bergman

love and rage: the path to liberation through anger by lama rod owens

gay soul by mark thompson

between certain death and a possible future: queer writing on growing up in the AIDS crisis by mattilda bernstein sycamore

the man they wanted me to be: toxic masculinity and a crisis of our own making by jared yates sexton

nobody passes: rejecting the rules of gender and conformity by mattilda bernstein sycamore

cruising: an intimate history of a radical pastime by alex espinoza

gay body by mark thompson

what my bones know: a memoir of healing from complex trauma by stephanie foo

the child catchers: rescue, trafficking, and the new gospel of adoption by kathryn joyce

the opium wars: the addiction of one empire and the corruption of another by w. travis hanes III

a queer history of the united states by michael bronski

the trouble with white women by kyla schuller

what we don't talk about when we talk about fat by aubrey gordon

the feminist porn book by tristan taormino

administrations of lunacy: a story of racism and psychiatry at the midgeville asylum by mab segrest

the women's house of detention by hugh ryan

angela davis: an autobiography by angela davis

ten steps to nanette by hannah gadsby

neuroqueer heresies by nick walker

the remedy: queer and trans voices on health and healthcare by zena sharman

brilliant imperfection by eli clare

the dawn of everything: a new history of humanity by david graeber and david wengrow

tomorrow sex will be good again by katherine angel

all our trials: prisons, policing, and the feminist fight to end violence by emily l. thuma

if this is a man by primo levi

bi any other name: bisexual people speak out by lorraine hutchins

white rage: the unspoken truth of our racial divide by carol anderson

public sex: the culture of radical sex by pat califa

I'm glad my mom died by jenette mccurdy

care of: letters, connections and cures by ivan coyote

the gentrification of the mind: witness to a lost imagination by sarah schulman

skid road: on the frontier of health and homelessness in an american city, by josephine ensign

the origins of totalitarianism by hannah arendt

nice racism: how progressive white people perpetuate racial harm by robin diangelo

corrections in ink by keri blakinger

sexed up: how society sexualizes us and how we can fight back by julia serano

smash the church, smash the state! the early years of gay liberation by tommi avicolli mecca

no more police: a case for abolition by mariame kaba

until we reckon: violence, mass incarceration, and a road to repair by danielle sered

the care we dream of: liberatory & transformative justice approaches to LGBTQ+ health by zena sharman

reclaiming two-spirits: sexuality, spiritual renewal and sovereignty in native america by gregory d. smithers

the sentences that create us: crafting a writer's life in prison by Caits Meissner

[thebiggerbear]

Jensen Ackles Fic Recs List

Rec list under Read More:

Get Him To the Con by @arazialotis - The reader stumbles into Jensen at her favorite bar, a very drunk Jensen. She soon realizes Jensen was booked for a con this weekend and has to be eight hours from town in only two.

Celebrity Next Door by @agirlwithdemonblood - Moving to a new location is difficult but living next to somebody you’d never expect to meet, and catching feelings? That’s damn near impossible to comprehend.

Merry Christmas, Sweetheart by @jawritter - Time doesn’t heal all wounds, sometimes it just drives them into our bones and festers there, until forgiveness is a four letter word, and it’s to late for second chances.

Push the Button by @smol-and-grumpy - No record session is the same. This one certainly is out of this world.

Memories Keep Them Alive by @supernatural-jackles - A delayed Valentine’s Date with your boyfriend takes a sad turn when you get a call from your Mom with some bad news in regards to your Papa.

Something About Fate... by @jawritter - Y/N has been homeless and living on the streets of Dallas, Texas since the start of Covid. Until one day, a handsome, green eyed strange notices her and turns her whole world upside down.

Austin by @winchesterwild78

Opposites Attract by @jawritter - Jensen's held up his 'family/good guy' image for a long time. When that image is gone or threated, then he's forced to do something he really doesn't want to do. Can he learn to love her before it's too late, and can she forgive him for the way he's treated her since the bigging?

Where the Green Grass Grows by @jawritter - Life changes, nothing ever stays the same. With most change comes with some degree of pain, that’s how we grow. Jensen thought he had his whole life planned out, written for him in the bright lights of Hollywood. One failed marriage later, and a lifetime of lessons learned, lead him home to a place he thought he’d left behind him when he was only a teenager. He thought his life was over. He felt like he’d lost everything, but who knew one little trip to the local diner that had just opened up outside of town would turn his whole world upside down. All because he met you. Maybe a little slower pace of life isn’t such a bad idea after all…

Drift Away by @luci-in-trenchcoats - After the reader discovers her long-term boyfriend has been cheating on her, she turns to her best friend Jensen to help her through it. But it’s too late to cancel her upcoming vacation at an exclusive couples resort. Jensen suggests going anyways and offers to tag along with her. But their relationship starts to change while away and both of them will have to decide what exactly they’re feeling and if they even want to share it in the first place…

Confidentiality by @smol-and-grumpy - Four months. Four long months that she’s been hiding in lockdown. So when everything starts to go back to normal again, she’s going back to work as Jensen’s handler for the first Supernatural convention after the pandemic.

Twitterpated by @smol-and-grumpy - Y/N starred alongside Jensen in a new blockbuster movie. For promo, they get invited to read thirst tweets. What if most of the tweets are from Y/N?

She's A Tease by @smol-and-grumpy - Jensen’s looking forward to a quiet day at home in Austin after a week of hard work, but then trouble arrived. And trouble can come in many forms…

Magical Mystery Ride by @smol-and-grumpy - Jensen’s been stood up by Jared but in retrospect, he couldn’t be mad about it.

Secrets.... by @jawritter

Burn by @jawritter

Don't Make A Sound by @jawritter - You are forced to share a bed with Jensen due to overbooking at the Dallas Con he had to work at. What do you do when you catch your boss having a very hot wet dream?

My Rescue Story by @jawritter - People can be cruel and judgemental, but they don’t get to see the side of him you see.

A Man of Action by @wayward-dreamer - While directing his episode of Supernatural, Jensen and Y/N, the female guest star of the week, can’t hide their attraction for each other any longer. A little fun in his trailer is nearly over before it starts, but they find ways to keep each other satisfied.

Profile Picture Not Included by @arazialotis - The reader has been single for a while and has had trouble with dating, even online matches. But with her sister’s need to meddle, giving up may not be as easy as it sounds.

Pride and Pretension by @arazialotis - The reader is headed downtown with her best friend to a weekly free salsa class. They cut corners through a dinner party and offend a guest after some playful mockery. Both the reader and the guest are unwilling to back down from each other.

Raining On Sunday by @jawritter - It’s hard to get out of bed when you have a man like Jensen in it with you. Especially when it’s raining and cold.

It worked by @deangirlsstuff67 - You decide to surprise Jensen at a convention with the help of Jared and Cliff.

I Know by @whatareyousearchingfordean

One Night Standards by @jawritter - What’s one night between two strangers. It can’t hurt anything, as long as you both have a good understanding as to what this is…right?

Imagine...Alpha!Jensen Being Protective Of You by @luci-in-trenchcoats - A pregnant reader gets a slight shove in the grocery store and sends Jensen into protect mode…

Forward by @blacktithe7 - Being a single father was never Jensen’s plan, but when his wife unexpectedly passes away just months after giving birth to their little girl, that is exactly what he becomes. His life has been about nothing but his daughter for years. Now Gen and Jared think it’s time for him to move on, and they may know just the right girl to help him do it. Jensen is not so sure. Will he give it a shot? Or will the ghost of his dead wife make him ruin what could possibly be the best thing to ever happen to him and his family?

Unexpected Twist by @winchesterwild78 - Jensen and reader are married, he’s away filming and gets injured. Reader takes care of him despite his protests, and her unexpected pregnancy.

You'll Accompany Me by @jensengirl83 - Y/N has been Jensen’s personal assistant since the beginning of Supernatural. Now that the show has ended and he has moved on to play the infamous Soldier Boy, Y/N has decided to follow him to the set of The Boys. With his recent divorce and significant life changes, Jensen is happy to have his best friend by his side on his new show. Y/N has been with him for a long time, seen and been with him through everything. But, what will happen when new experiences change their relationship, and possible feelings are discovered?

A Night of Shadows and Strength by @winchesterwild78

Elevator Encounter by @winchesterwild78

Chosen For Pleasure by @lucidlivi

The Lost Art Of... by @minefield-of-a-ninja (Jensen Character x Reader)

*I will add more as I go

dividers by @firefly-graphics

[rapeculturerealities]

Gov. Kotek vows to 'protect Oregon values' as state stockpiles abortion drug • Oregon Capital Chronicle

Oregon has added to its emergency supply of the abortion drug mifepristone, Gov. Tina Kotek announced Monday, but most of the state’s plans to respond to a second Trump administration are still up in the air.

While other Democratic governors have been vocal about their plans to respond to President-elect Donald Trump’s policies, Kotek has kept a low profile for the nearly two weeks since Election Day. She sent a written statement about election results and recorded video versions of that statement in English and Spanish, but Monday, after a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new homeless shelter in Beaverton, was the first time she took questions from reporters since before the election.

“What I can tell people is, I’m going to protect our values,” Kotek said. “I’m going to stand up for what we need here in the state. I’m going to focus on our top priorities, and we will see what comes from the new administration. But I know that we can come together and protect what we love in our state no matter what happens at the national level.”

California Gov. Gavin Newsom called a special session to “Trump-proof” the state and allocate more funding for lawsuits challenging the Trump administration’s actions. Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker and Colorado Gov. Jared Polis announced last week they’d create a new group, called Governors Safeguarding Democracy, for Democratic states to coordinate efforts to oppose Trump but Kotek has not joined.

[violetpurpleviolet]

Supernatural , Season 5 , Episode 22

Swan song

Also is this like the first time “Carry on my Wayward Son” is played? I know it’s like the theme song. But it’s the first time actually hearing it in an episode.

OG Percy Jackson fangirl , and can’t keep seeing Adam as Luke (Though i refuse to admit that movie exists)

The chuck intro was so sad?? Also his writing wasn’t that crappy as people claimed?

“A fiddle of gold against your soul, says I’m better than you.”

Wow, Jared’s acting here is peak. I love it!

WAS THAT A STAR WARS REFERENCE FROM LUCIFER? “Such anger , young Skywalker”

Lucifer says “We’re two half’s made full , M.F.E.O.” When did Lucifer get all this slang? Is it like him taking a bit of Sam’s memories or something?

MFEO - I had to look it up , Made for Each other.

Also, Lucifer wants Sam happy.

Oh my Azaleas gang. Wait I’m still confused to why so many other were also fed demon blood for the plan then? If they knew it was Sam all along?

Chucks narration is killing me. I am killed.

“But they were never in fact homeless”

Why is Dean so.. Dean?

Is it bad that I feel Lucifer makes more sense? That no one can make “God” do anything.

Hahahahahah Dean.

I love that he’s doing it his way , and ofc he’ll give himself intro music.

“Hey , Ass-Butt” Iconic Castiel line.

“Castiel did you just Molotov my brother , with holy fire?”

“No one dicks with Michael but me” What the?

Bobby dies? :( (I know he’s there in later seasons)

“Sam it’s okay , I’m here , I’m not gonna leave you”

the Impala.

Wow. I loved that it wasn’t music , but just wind during that scene. It was wow.

“It’s gonna be okay Dean , I got him”

Did he take Michael in with him??? whaaaat?

Also , Sam’s look of fear before jumping. And then looking at Dean. And then falling in.

It reminds me of the scene where Dean is going to say yes , and then looks at Sam and says no.

Bobby is dead , Sammy is dead.

“Cas, are you god?”

oh Bobby is back too! :/

“What would you rather have Dean, Peace or Freedom?”

because he made a promise.

Did Chuck just disappear?

Uh? what?

[lightofraye]

I just...

I need a minute.

Ahem.

Okay.

Soooo..... anon. We need to talk.

First off, Danneel was beautiful once upon a time. Then she wrecked her face with repeatedly badly done plastic surgery. She now has what plastic surgeons refer to the "Joker" smile. It's not a good look, at all. Plus she's wrecked her hairline with repeated facelifts that she didn't need!

Loving person? Nooooo. Oh my gods, no. Have you even heard half the stuff she's said about Jensen? I know people like to translate what she's said as "joking" or "just plain fun" but y'know what? I haven't heard her say anything genuine about him. Ever.

The only charity I'm aware of that she supposedly supported was birthdays for homeless children. You wanna know what those kids would really want? HOMES. A birthday celebration is a few hour event. A home is a lifetime!

Happily married? Have you been paying attention to the photo ops in the last few years with Jensen? Stiff as a board, zero chemistry, death glares from Jensen, tons of space between them. Heck, not even just the last few years--try the last decade.

Jensen didn't even want to marry her! He had to be talked into it, high as a kite and drunk as a skunk!

She gave up her career? What career?! Let's be honest, sure, there was One Tree Hill. That was it. All the other stuff were minor roles and failed attempts. Her role in Supernatural was via nepotism! She didn't earn it like Genevieve did. Not to mention, quite a few actors she worked with stated she was hell to work with. She was snobby, demanding, and acted like she knew better than them.

As for empire? What empire?! No seriously, what empire?! Chaos Machine Production had precisely one production--and it bombed, badly. (The Winchesters.) And so far, there's been nothing else. Oh, just stories from Jensen but literally nothing else! Family Business Beer Company shuttered their doors for their only in-room tap and even before that, they were floundering, being open only 3 days a week. They found it cheaper to be closed than open!

The only income right now has been from conventions, and lately, well, Jensen hasn't exactly been behaving as the best of men. (God, that killed me to say.) He's grumpy a lot of the times, not giving his all in photo ops, as is evident by his lack of expressions in quite a few photos. It's his job and he's not giving it all that he should be. Look at Jared, for cryin' out loud!

So.

No.

Danneel is none of those.

She never was.

[forfoxessake]

Frank Iero - Covers

Here's a list of all the good quality cover songs (mp3 files) he has done live in concerts up until now.

Dropbox Download

Against Me! ft. Frank Iero - Osama Bin Laden as the Crucified Christ

Against Me! ft. Frank Iero - Sink, Florida, Sink

Axis Of ft. Frank Iero & THGC - All of My Bones

Frank Iero - Fade Into You Mazzy Star

Frank Iero - Lloyd Dobbler Pencey Prep

frnkiero andthe cellabration. - Boxcar [cover]

frnkiero andthe cellabration. - I Wanna Be Adored [cover]

frnkiero andthe cellabration. - Rockaway Beach [cover]

frnkiero andthe cellabration. - Rockaway Beach Ramones

frnkiero andthe cellabration. ft. Derek Zanetti - Boxcar [cover]

frnkiero andthe cellabration. ft. Jared Hart - Hey Jealousy cover

Frank Iero And The Patience - Crazy [The Homeless Gospel Choir]

Frank Iero And The Patience - Helter Skelter [The Beatles]

Frank Iero And The Patience - It Ain’t Easy [David Bowie]

Frank Iero and the Patience ft. Dave Hause - The Killing Moon [Echo and the Bunnymen]

Frank Iero and the Patience ft. Dave Hause - The Killing Moon [Echo and the Bunnymen] 2

Frank Iero ft. Jesse Malin - I Fought The Law (And The Law Won) [The Clash]

Kimya Dawson ft. Frank Iero - Anyone Else But You (Acoustic)

L.S. Dunes - Wrapped Around Your Finger [The Police]

Paceshifters ft. Frank Iero - Territorial Pissings [Nirvana]

The Architects ft. Frank Iero - Suspect Device [Stiff Little Fingers ]

updated August/2024.

the FIATC songs are also featured in the stomachaches specials: live and acoustic

acoustic songs

[remembertheplunge]

7/18/2014 entries from my my 2014 journal.

From the book Ecstasy and Laundry. P 38

“Go ahead. Light your candles and burn your incense and ring your bells and call out to God, but watch out, because God will come and He will put you on his anvil and fire up his forge and beat you and beat you until He turns brass into pure gold.”

My margin note to the above:

“OMG WTF He Did! Jared! Ahhhh! He was God!”

End of entry.

Jared was a homeless heroine addict that lived with me in my house for about two weeks in June of 2017.

He was taking methadone from a clinic and I did what I could to help him heal. But, it was an intense situation.

When I finally told him I couldn’t continue on with him, he walked with my I phone into the night from a Stockton gas station we had stopped at. It was the night before my 62nd birthday.

He was a great and a profound teacher. He was God in action pounding and pounding on me.

[jawritter]

Something About Fate...

Chapter 3

Summary:  Y/N has been homeless and living on the streets of Dallas, Texas since the start of Covid. Until one day, a handsome, green eyes strange notices her and turns her whole world upside down.

Warning: Jensen’s friends aren’t too sure he’s done the right thing by taking Y/N in, meanwhile, Jensen seems to have some conflicting feelings of his own...

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader (eventually).

Word Count: 2k

A/N: This series is completely unbeta’d, so all mistakes are mine! This series will contain mature content eventually, and therefore is unsuitable for persons under 18 years of age! Anyone under the age of 18 will be blocked for my blog! Thanks so much for reading! I hope you all enjoy this series!

Main Masterlist                  Series Masterlist

Y/N’s POV: 

Jensen had absolutely refused to let Y/N take the couch that night. He insisted that the king-sized bed was more than large enough for the both of them. She was pretty sure he was far too tall to fit the couch anyway, and honestly, it looked extremely thin and uncomfortable as hotel couches tend to look. It didn’t help that it didn’t have a pull-out mattress either, which most hotel rooms with a couch did. It was very clear that when Jensen’s flight got delayed, they literally threw him in the first available room. 

Still, even though she was ‘safe’, or appeared to be safe, warm, her head on a pillow that was strangely too soft for her, and her stiff and sore body wrapped in a pile of blankets and covers while she lay on the pillowtop mattress underneath her, still did not come easy. 

Long after the ice cream had been eaten, and Jensen had fallen peacefully asleep just on the other side of the bed, she’d stayed awake, staring at the television that still played low in the corner, or the wall, or the window, or the ceiling; her mind running a thousand miles a minute. 

It didn’t feel real. Even though she’d spent the evening talking to Jensen, the pair of them telling one another about their lives so far, and even though she could feel the occasional movement of his body next to hers, she didn’t understand who this could be happening, and it was not some sort of fever dream. Surely, she must be dying, and that’s why she’s seeing this, it’s all a hallucination… But then again, if it really wasn’t real, why did it FEEL so real? Cause it sure as hell all felt very, VERY real.

She didn’t really know what time she finally fell asleep, but the first thing she heard was whispering when she started to slowly wake. At first, she thought she was dreaming it, until her sleep fogged brain started to clear slowly, and the things they were saying started to come into focus. As wrong as it was, Y/N still had a few trust issues, rightfully so, so she did what anyone in her shoes would do, and that was pretend to be asleep, and listened to the conversation that seemed to be happening in the direction of the kitchen. 

“Jensen–”

“Don’t Jensen me Jared,” Jensen whispered angrily at his friend. “I’ve made up my mind, and you’re not changing it. She’s living and working for me now, there’s no way in hell I’m sending that girl back out onto the streets!”

“I’m not saying send her back out there, but maybe take her to a homeless shelter or something, don’t just bring in some random girl off the street and hire her, move her into your home with you—dude, what if she’s some sort of addict or something! You don’t know if she’s feeding you the truth, or what she thinks you want to hear in order to keep her ass where you are buying her shit!” Jared argued. 

Y/N couldn’t even be mad about Jared’s viewpoint because that’s what any self respecting, normal person would think when it came to homeless people, and just taking strangers in off of the street. Even though she was none of those things Jared thought she was, she’d grown a little too used to the stigma apparently. She wasn’t even shocked that it was the taller man’s viewpoint, what did shock her is that it never seemed to be Jensen’s at all, and that was just odd to her. 

“I’m not taking Y/N to a shelter Jared, it’s not gonna happen,” Jensen fired back through what sounded like gritted teeth. “You can just fuck right off with that shit! She’s not some crackhead dude! She’s just someone that got dealt a bad hand, and honestly, she deserves a fucking chance! I can give her that, besides, I need the fucking help in case you haven’t noticed lately!”

“Jensen,” a female voice butted in from somewhere else in the room, Y/N assumed it was the same girl that was with the trio last night. “I agree with you, the girl definitely deserves a chance, but I wouldn’t just go and hand her my credit card information.”

Jensen let out a long, deep breath and for a moment, fear struck a chord in her that they might have convinced Jensen to turn her back out again, but it was quickly dampened down when Jensen finally broke the silence in the room. 

“I didn’t plan on just giving her my credit card information. The only thing we’ve got lined up for a few months on my end is a few cons, which are already booked and taken care of by Creation. I don’t have to do much work. It gives me time to get to know her, and also train her for what I might need her to do. I’m not an idiot.”

“I never said that you were an idiot,” she corrected him. “Like I said, I’m all behind what you are doing, I just merely said to be cautious until you get to know her as a person. You can’t trust everyone you meet; you know that. I know you will make the right decision. Right now, what you and everyone involved needs to focus on is getting the girl some clothes.”

“About that,” Jensen voiced suddenly, and Y/N’s heart rate quickened as his distinctive footsteps approached the nightstand next to his side of the bed. “I went through her clothing this morning, and these are the sizes that were on them. I assumed you might be better at this than I am, so I was going to see if I could get you to run down the street and get her some… you know… essentials that she would need, underwear, shirts, pants, pj’s, socks, shoes, cause all she has is that bag in there.”

“No problem,” she said, “I will just drop it off at the door when I get them back here, it shouldn’t take me too long. There’s no getting out of here for us for the next few days.”

“Thanks, and if you can, keep this between the three of us if that’s okay? I don’t want people swarming the room to try and get pictures of her, of a bunch of dicks on social media being dicks,” Jensen said, and Y/N heard a pair of mumbled agreements as the pair of them made their way out of the door, leaving Y/N once again alone in the room. 

She had a choice then, she could either pretend she was still asleep, or get up and face the music, because as the woman had stated, there was no leaving for the next few days, she assumed it was too cold for any planes to take off. 

Jensen’s POV:

Jensen’s gaze shifted over the pile of covers that was Y/N and sighed heavily as he let his tired body drop heavily onto the couch he’d wandered over to. 

Drained, he was so fucking drained. That conversation felt more like a marathon than it probably should have, and even though he’d just gotten out of bed, he felt completely exhausted, as if he hadn’t slept one bit. 

He prayed that Y/N hadn’t heard what Jared had said, because if she had, he was gonna kick his ass. 

It wasn’t that Jared had made some pretty valid points; Jensen could absolutely understand what his friend was saying. It wasn’t like what he was doing was conventional, he knew that. He also knew that he couldn’t trust everyone. Hell, he’d been in the industry long enough to have figured that out the hard way. 

Still, when he saw her sitting there alone, cold, and hungry, there was no doubt in his mind that she was absolutely not going back out on the streets. His heart ached in his chest just thinking about the state he found her in, and that surprised even him. He hadn’t really felt something like that in a long, long time. But this, whatever it was, was deeper than a passing connection with a stranger, or pity felt for someone in need. This was like a heavy punch to the gut, the kind that brings a man down to his knees. He’d venture to even say it was Earth shattering. 

Part of him was terrified. Well, he was terrified of a few things actually. First being why the hell did he have these… feelings… if they could be called that, towards a virtual stranger. Second, and probably one of the most important hang ups he was having at that moment, was what was going to be the reaction of the public if word got out? Surely, word was going to get out, that’s just the law of the jungle. 

His fear wasn’t that people would talk about him, people talk about him all the damn time. No, it was that people would attack her. The general public could be cruel, and he was horrified at what they might do to her or say to her. She’d been through enough, she didn’t deserve their crap too.

Then there was thing three that seemed to be bothering him, the overwhelming, somewhat unnatural need to protect her. 

Jensen was a shy person, admittedly, but he also had a bit of a take-charge, somewhat protective personality, but never like this. He was pretty sure he’d throw himself in front of a moving vehicle for this girl. That scared the absolute shit out of him. 

Jensen’s gaze drifted back to the pile of covers that Y/N was under, and he swallowed the lump that had taken up residence in his throat as he watched the covers shift a little. He knew she’d be waking up soon, so he grabbed the menu that sat on the sofa next to him that room service had left him yesterday, and started mindlessly thumbing through it, preparing to place an order so that some food would be here when she got up. 

She was so thin, she needed to eat something. She probably needed to see a doctor too, because fuck if he knew the last time she’d actually seen a doctor. That one might be harder to get across without sounding like a freak. 

God she probably thought he was some sick pervert already. God only knows what’s happened to her, what she’s been through, he really needed to be more careful around her. He didn’t want to scare her away from him. 

Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose, suddenly unable to focus on the menu in his hand as a host of horrible scenarios swirled their way around in his head. So he reminded himself what he told her last night. One step at a time. Getting to know one another was step one. 

Maybe in the process, he could figure out why he was so damn attached to the girl already, and answer a few of his own questions.

Forever:

@britnwinchester

@samanddeaninatrenchcoat

@wittysunflower

@demongirl1996  

@as-lost-as-sams-shoe

@jensenslady79

@spnwoman

@stoneyggirl2

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@stixnstripesworld

@fullwattpadmusictree

@nancymcl

@christycreature

@whiskey-infused-dreams

@supernatural79impala

@deandreamernp

@forgetthisbull

@miraclesoflove

@slamminmine

@deanwanddamons

@rvgrsbrns

@chevyharvelle

@i-love-superhero-movies

@lyss-dw79

@magssteenkamp

@lemondropirwin

@squirrelnotsam

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67  

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@defenderrosetyler

@thecreatiivecorner  

@vicmc624

@busy-bee-angel-misska

@justanotherwinchester

@brilovesdeanwinchester

@idksupernatural

@lyarr24

@emoryhemsworth

@dean-winchesters-gardian-angel

@flamencodiva

@itmejado

@thoughts-and-funnies

@teresa-67

@hearteyes-j2

@peaches007

@bobbie3939

@vulgar-library

@writercole

@fairlyspnfanfic

@sexyvixen7

@spngi

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@donnaintx

@maliburenee

@the-family-business67

@agirlwithdemonblood

@captainsoldiergirl

@twinkleinadiamondsky

Jensen and Dean’s Babes

@deans-baby-momma  

@impalaslytherin

@perpetualabsurdity

@msmarvelouswinchester

@akshi8278

@love-jackles

@irmcpar

@pink-sparkly-witch

@deans-spinster-witchs-favorites

@herstarburststories

@mimaria420

@deanwinchesterswitch

@charred-angelwings

@pascal-rascal424

@myloversgone

@fortheloveof-jackles

@eevvvaa

@bts-spnlvr12

@jxackles

@lassie-bird

@samsgirl93

@shawnie74  

@kaz11283

@mlovesstories

@ladysparks78

@sarahgracej

SAF tag list

@itsdesiree86

@evilunicorns4minions

@jesllianaquilesrolonsworld

@thefemalestorywriter

@tapedeck-hearts​

@tristanrosspada-ackles

@southerngal96

[agirlwithdemonblood]

The Broken Fan - Chapter 4

Pairings: Jensen Ackles & Reader (Read as first person!)

Series Summary: Always a nobody, always invisible, will this convention change things?

Chapter Summary: Everything goes wrong, way too fast.

Warnings: Panic attack, anxiety, mentions of drinking, mentions of bar, swearing, scared Jensen, Panickedreader! Mean girls!

Series Masterlist here! Main masterlist here!

Today was the day.

Everybody was excited to attend the signing, to have at least a few minutes with Jensen and Jared, their very own meet and greet.

I wondered how people would react if they were in my shoes last night, if they happened to crash into Jensen and be invited in for a drink. Would they freak out like I did? Would they blow their shot in under 20 minutes?

I didn’t know how to feel about seeing Jensen again after last night, considering I left fairly quickly I hope he didn’t dread seeing me today.

Mainly, my nerves were at an all time high at the unknown but I couldn’t pass on this opportunity, I couldn’t waste anymore chances at being normal, not again.

Everybody was already lining up when I entered the hotel lobby, two straight long lines nearly beside each other. I looked ahead and spotted Jensens table on the right, Jared’s on the left.

I hesitated, wondering which table to go to. If I went to Jared’s than Jensen may think I’m avoiding him or I didn’t like him in the first place. If I went in Jensen’s though it may look like I’m either a stalker, or it will be super awkward.

I stepped in Jared’s line and frowned. It didn’t feel right being here, wrong choice. As soon as I crossed and stepped into Jensen’s line, I felt a calm rush wave over me and I nearly rolled my eyes.

Okay, I guess this is where I’m staying.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I jumped, before turning to face Vanessa and Amber, the two girls from day 1. My smile faded when I noticed the scowl on their faces and their eyes judging me to the core.

“Hi Y/N. How was your night in your car?” Vanessa spoke harshly. I bit my tongue and plastered on a poker face, “It was fine but I can’t wait to get home.”

She rolled her eyes towards Amber and laughed before I turned around, I don’t really know what their problem is with me today but at this point I didn’t care. I was becoming excited to see him again, and hopefully make up for last night.

I clutched the Supernatural journal I had in my hands and sighed in relief when the line started moving. Jensen was so close yet so far, I could see how gorgeous he looked again, laughing and smiling, interacting with everybody so kindly and patiently. It was heartwarming to see him like this.

My cheeks heated as I watched him, noticing the way his tongue peaked out when he was writing his name, eyeing the firm flex of his arms while he signed, and god, the way his eyes shined-it was all too much. He was too much.

“So Y/N.” Amber chimed in my ear, nearly giving me a heart attack. I rolled my eyes and turned in her direction.

She smiled smugly, “We saw you at the bar last night. We were going to say hi but I guess you were too occupied hanging out with Jensen and Jared.”

I froze in my spot as my eyes widened. Vanessa smirked and stepped closer until she was inches from my face. “Are you seriously trying to con your way into Jensen’s life? Stalker much?”

“I’m… not trying to do anything. He invited me for a drink.” I whispered nearly inaudibly.

A harsh laugh escaped Vanessa as her eyes narrowed. “Do you really think we are going to believe that Jensen had any interest in hanging out with a homeless chick?”

Panic. Fear. Regret.

“W-What?” I stuttered back.

Amber nodded and stepped closer to me, “We saw your car outside. You’ve clearly been living there for a long time, maybe forever. Not so much a traveller as a hobo, am I right?”

My mouth gaped open and shut, my vision started to blur as the panic set in.

She knew. They both knew. And they were using it against me. I knew I couldn’t be normal here. I knew I would be the outcast. Stupid, so stupid!

I was trembling in place, heart pounding in my ears and my mouth was so dry. The panic has officially set in and I needed to get out of here.

Before I had a chance to turn and run, one of the handlers placed their hand on my shoulder and urged me towards the table. Great, my turn.

I could barely see Jensen or anything in front of me as my vision went in and out, but I could tell he was staring at me, probably judging too.

But as soon as I stood in spot, I could feel his hand rest on top of mine shooting me straight back to reality. I looked up into his eyes and finally saw him.

He looked… scared. Concerned. Worried.

He leaned closer, “Y/N? Are you okay?”

I took a deep breath and wiped the sweat off my forehead. “W-what?”

He swallowed hard. “I asked if you were okay. You don’t look so good…”

I smiled softly and nodded, trying my best to keep it together and just breathe. “Yeah, I’m fine sorry.”

He didn’t look convinced but I didn’t care. Fake it till you make it right? He smiled sadly and looked up, “What would you like me to sign?”

I nodded and took out my journal before passing it towards him. He opened it and froze, staring down at whatever he was looking at with a shocked expression.

“Oh shit what is it?” I questioned causing him to laugh. He turned to notebook towards me and I saw what his eyes caught, a not so good drawing I did of him when I was bored and having a particularly hard night.

“I forgot that was in there.”

He smiled and looked up at me, his eyes shining and staring intensely into mine just like he always did. “I love it.. did you do this?”

My cheeks warmed and I could feel the air seeping through once again, “Yeah, I did.”

“Wow.. Can I.. have it?” He questioned.

I tilted my head quizzically, “You want it?”

“Of course I do” he started “This is amazing.”

A smile erupted on my face as I grabbed the journal and carefully ripped out the page for him, and suddenly I forgot I was even panicking, I was lost in the moment with him, stuck in this warm bubble where nothing could ever hurt me.

He started to sign the journal, his eyes flicking up towards me causing my cheeks to burn. "Nice shirt, I haven't seen that one in a while."

I looked down and smirked, staring at the Dean Winchester mug shot I luckily found right before the convention but he didn't need to know that.

"Oh yeah, I've had this for years. I love it."

His head lifted up, a cocky grin spread across his lips. "Love it because it's me?"

I laughed as the blush deepened, "Meh, It was the only one I could get my hands on at the time, I wanted one of Jared to be honest."

His mouth dropped before a chuckle erupted from his throat, the most beautiful sound i've ever heard. "Oof, harsh. Here I was thinking you were a Dean girl after meeting me."

I shrugged and put on my best poker face. "Nah, I'm more of a Jensen girl." My heart fell into my stomach as soon as the words fell out, and before I could apologize for my idiotic flirty comment, he leaned backwards and covered his mouth as laughter came pouring out.

I quickly joined in laughter, hoping that my cheeks didn't look as red as they felt, but knowing my luck he could probably tell. He leaned forward and placed his hand on my notebook like a wall, shielding whatever he was writing down.

Such a beautiful bubble, so warm and comfy, I never wanted to leave. But of course, all good things come to an end.

Two rough fingers tapped my shoulders as the bubble I was in popped, bringing me back to reality. Vanessa smiled harshly and stepped closer, "So sorry to interrupt, but Y/N your car... I mean your house is being towed. Figured I should let you know before you have to sleep in the street. Although, i'm sure that's still not unusual for you."

I was paralized as I stared back at Vanessa, all the sounds around me was echoing before completly fading as I was pulled into panic mode. I turned towards Jensen in what felt like slow motion, watching him stand from his spot, hand touching my arm but I couldn't even feel it.

He shook my arm and everything came back at once, "Y/N? Hey, are you okay?"

I looked back towards the girls who were staring, laughing. It felt like everybody was laughing and it was all I could hear. I looked back at Jensen as tears welled in my eyes and my heart clenched in pain. "I-I gotta go..."

Before he could say anything, I ran out of the line as fast as my feet could take me, the feeling of everybody staring me crushing me down like a ton of bricks.

I hated it, I hated everything about this weekend. It was a mistake to even think that I could be normal here, that I could fit in. I was a fool and it was my own fault.

I could deal with other's bullying me or putting me down, but him. The way he stared at me with such pity and heartbreak, his eyes used to look so full of kindness and lust and now it was filled with fucking pity. He was never going to look at me the same way again, the memory I had with him was now tainted, poisoned and it was my own fucking fault.

I finally got outside as my car was pulling away attatched to the tow truck, my eyes filling with tears as fast as they ever could. My chest was painted with grief as I watched the only home I really knew be taken away from me. There was nothing I could do anymore, I didn't have enough to get my car out of the lot and I definitely did not have enough for a motel.

Jensen's POV

My heart was filled with pain at how broken and upset she looked, and I finally understood now.

The first day I saw her in the crowd when I asked her if she was okay, it was because she looked so anxious, so scared, like she has never been in a crowd before. I finally understood her.

That was why she was so kind, treating me like I was a normal human, it was because she wanted to be treated the same way.

I glared at the two girls who were still laughing about the situation, ashamed that two people could even call themselves my fans after completely breaking down another person.

The blonde girl who spoke to Y/N first, was making disgusting comments, not realizing I could hear. She went off about how wrong it was to allow a girl like her in here in the first place, how embarrassing it was.

Everything inside me begged to scream at them, god how I wanted to shout right in their face, kick them out of here, or throw something. But I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't do anything, especially to two young girls, despite how big of bitches I thought they were.

I turned to my handler and insisted they came over, before whispering in his ear that I needed a break and I was leaving. He nodded and stepped forward, announcing that I would be closing the booth and I'd be back in an hour.

The look on the girl's faces were priceless, they were shocked and halfway looked annoyed and god, the anger was bubbling. I left the table as fast as I could, keeping it together until I got into the green room.

As soon as the door shut I could feel my chest tightening, my heart was shattering for her. She has been through so much, she looked so broken and defeated and all of humanity was just constantly letting her down.

I wanted to find her, I wanted to tell her that not everybody is as shitty as those two girls were. I wanted to tell her that there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

God, I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be there for her, to be the person she could depend on, even though she may find me crazy, I didn't want to lose her.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn't even know where to find her. All I had was her journal and her name, that was it. I sat on the couch in defeat before Jared's words popped back into my head.

"You'll get another chance if it's fate, just let the world decide what's best for you."

It has to be fate right? This can't be how our story ends.

I rubbed the temples of my head in hopes to ease the pain of the pounding headache that was beginning, but it was no use. There was too much pain, everywhere. My eyes burned from the endless tears that streamed down, my back ached from the brick wall I've been sat against for hours, but the most intense pain was in my mind.

I was defeated, alone, miserable and embarrassed. I should have known better. I should have thought this through. But tomorrow is the last day of the convention and I had nothing left. No car, no job, no money, no hope.

I regretted everything. I shouldn't have gave up everything to come here. I should have never thought for a second that Jensen would ever be interested in somebody like me.

And the worst part was now I was stuck here, in this town with these memories. I had no options, no path to follow. Nothing.

My bones creaked as I stood from my spot, every muscle heavy and tired, begging to just stay still and not move.

The sky was dark and gloomy, and I was surprised I haven't noticed the change, or how long I was even out here.

I sighed deeply as I pulled out my wallet, counting the last few bills I had. $40, not enough for my car, a motel, or really anything except maybe a few drinks at the bar.

Like I said before, I'm not a big drinker. Far from it really, I hated how people acted on the stuff. Party girls get giddy and loud, men get aggressive and cocky, and then there are the people who just can't stop drinking.

I don't drink. But tonight, I needed it more than ever. I wanted to forget, to stop the pain, to erase today's events. I needed to heal the wound that was on my heart, and crying it out was no longer an option.

By the time I got to the bar, the night has officially set, and most stores on this street were once again closed for the night. Relief hit me when I spotted only one car in the parking lot meaning I could be alone, out of attention. I walked inside and nodded towards the bartender before taking the furthest booth from the door and ordering my first drink.

As soon as I swallowed it down, I knew this wouldn't be my last. Who cares anymore?

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, but every so often I'd see people come in, and people leave. It felt like I was watching a movie, but the button was stuck on fast forward. My drink would be empty, than filled. Empty than filled. Over and over.

I sighed and looked down at my cup which seemed to be spinning, and I started realizing that I might have had a little too much.

Was this drink number 4? No wait, this is 5... right?

The bell on the front door rang and as soon as it did, my blood ran cold. I didn't even need to look up, I knew exactly who it was. I kept my head down low, smirking when I spotted his shoes right beside the table.

"Jensen Ackles." I mumbled with a slight giggle.

The chair screeched as he sat across from me, and I could feel his eyes burning my skin. "Y/N. You doin' alright?"

I shrugged and lazily looked upwards, finally meeting his eyes. "Peachy."

He frowned as his hand came closer, but I quickly pulled it away. I really didn't need his pity, not tonight. "Why don't we go for a walk?"

I shook my head. "I'm g-good here thanks." I hiccupped.

"C'mon, let's get some air I think you had enough."

I scoffed and looked back down at my drink before chugging the rest and slamming it back down. "I-I don't think I will ever have enough actually. I think I m-may have to buy a bottle, how m-many do you think they c-cost? I have.... Ha! $10 left."

He smiled sadly and moved to my side of the table, his hand gently resting on my shoulder as he turned me to face him. "Honey, let's just get some fresh air. Please, for me?"

I rolled my eyes yet agreed, stumbling out of my seat and nearly falling on my ass. Jensen's strong grip was tight on my arm as he helped me towards the door. Everything was spinning and I felt like jello, but in a sense I loved it because the pain was gone. Well, at least the physical was.

The cold air hit me like a ton of bricks and I stumbled back, feeling Jensen's warm hand on my lower back to keep me straight. He lead me over to a bench as we sat in silence.

He sighed low, but I could hear it and guilt filled me. I bet this is not what he would rather be doing right now. I turned towards him slowly, "You can go. I'm fine."

"I don't want to leave you." He stated.

I rolled my eyes and stood from my spot, suddenly walking out of the parking lot, away from this bar, away from him, just away.

His feet were close behind me, voice echoing and mumbled as my ears blocked. "Where are you going?" He spoke louder.

I turned and smiled, waving my arms into the sky. "Nowhere. Got nowhere to go."

He frowned and stepped closer, hand reaching mine gently, burning the skin that he was touching. "Do you want to go to a hotel?"

I laughed a little too loudly and shot him a dirty look, "Funny, real funny. There's no hotels that cheap."

"I'm paying for it." He stated confidently.

I stopped and stared back at the man who had nothing but care and compassion in his eyes, but I couldn't help but feel more ridiculous, more embarrassed and more angry at the fact that this man that I've looked up to, idolized even, he was the one seeing me on one of my worst nights.

I shook my head in disbelief and walked away, a slight smile creeping on my face but it wasn't from happiness, it was from anger. I was so angry that my life was so fucked up, I was so fucking pissed off that nothing, NOTHING could ever just go right for me, not once.

I was angry that he was here, trying, and I had no idea why. Was he playing with me? Was this fun for him?

The sound of his footsteps sped up, and soon he was beside me, trying to capture my attention. “Please, just slow down. Talk to me.”

Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the situation but all of a sudden the air was knocked out of my lungs and I couldn’t breathe. I stopped walking as my hand moved to my chest, silently begging for it to even out. Please, not here. Not while he’s watching.

“J-Jensen.. please, go. Go back to your hotel.” I whispered nearly inaudibly.

He shook his head and stood in front of me. “I don’t want to leave you, especially not like this.”

“I’m fine!” I nearly screamed with all my night, praying that he would get the hint and leave already. But he was just as stubborn as I was, maybe even more.

“Your not fine.” He stated sympathetically, "Honey, you don't need to pretend you are okay. Nobody would be in your situation."

A scoff escaped my lips as my eyes opened, narrowing towards him. "My situation? What, being a homeless chick? Trust me, I'm used to it. That's what I am, that's what I always will be."

He shook his head and stepped mere inches from my body, hand moving to mine to hold it tightly. "You're not just a homeless chick."

I could feel the anger bubbling further and I couldn't stop it, I didn't want to be angry with him but I was. He thought he knew me but he didn't, if he did he wouldn't be here right now, he wouldn't check in on me.

"You don't know anything Jensen. I am a nobody, I'm an outcast, I'm.... I'm a fucking ghost of a human. I'm alone and that's fine, that's alright because that's how it's always been. You don't need to pity me, you don't need to try and help me because I'm fine, the last thing I fucking need is for somebody to pretend to care, so just... leave."

He stepped back in shock before his eyebrows furrowed in sadness, "I'm not pretending with you, I do care."

"You don't even fucking know me!" I shouted loudly as I stepped closer, noticing how he flinched at my words. "You just met me what, two days ago and it's been endless drama with me. You don't know me."

He knew you were right, he only met you two days ago but it felt like it's been years. He knew you, he cared for you and a part of him loved you already. He had no idea why, but he did.

A deep sigh escaped his chest as his head hung low and I felt awful but the anger wouldn't stop. The panic was too high.

"We just met two days ago, yes. But I do know you, and I think maybe you know me too."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "Yeah of course I know you. Your Jensen Fucking Ackles, your famous, your a good to some people and girl's would kill to have this chance to be this close to you and hear you say these things but you don't know who I am, and your lucky."

He shook his head, "No. I don't mean you know who I am on paper, I meant you know me on the inside. I know you felt it too, the connection we had the instant our eyes met during the panel, and every time after that. I know you feel this too, and if i'm wrong say it and I'll leave you alone."

My head dropped to my feet and I bit back the tears that were threatening to come out. I so wanted to believe him, because he was right I did feel it too, but the fact that he would be interested in somebody like me, especially after what he found out, was too hard to believe. I couldn't.

"Your only here because you found out some shitty part of my life, that's the only reason your pushing so hard. If you didn't know that, you would have went your separate way."

His face turned in hurt and disbelief as he stepped back. "Seriously? That's what you think?" He quickly grabbed his bag and opened it, pulling out the journal I accidently left earlier, and passing it to me. "Read what I wrote and tell me that I'm not being honest here."

With shaky hands, I grabbed the journal from him and opened it, spotting the secret message he wrote earlier today.

"Y/N, I really hope to see you again, (xxx-xxx-xxx) Please call me, Jensen Ackles."

A single tear dropped down my cheek as I read it over and over, he really did care. He did want to get to know you, but I pushed him away. I was so... angry and mean and unforgiving.

I couldn't lift my head, I couldn't face him and my chest became tighter as I stood in my spot. He was speaking but it was muffled, my vision started to go white as the panic finally took over me.

I pulled my head up and looked at him, noticing the clear panic written all over his face as he stepped closer, hands on my arms tightly. My legs quickly gave out as I slid to the ground, trying to control my breathing, to not panic but it was too much, everything was too much and I couldn't do this.

Jensen's POV

Panic overtook my body as I watched her fall apart in my arms, she wasn't there, she was distant and gone, sucked in the whirlwind of her panic attack.

I tried everything I could to bring her back but she was too gone, I didn't even think she could hear me at this point. Her breathing was rapid and heavy followed with loud gasps filling the open air.

"Y/N, Look at me, Please!" I shouted, my hand moving to her cheek that was burning under my touch.

Her eyes started fluttering shut causing my heart to pound in my chest. It was too late, it was too much for her. "No-No! Open your eyes sweetie, please breathe!"

But it was no use, her eyes shut tight as her body went limp in my arms.

Fuck, fuck fuck!

I pulled her onto my lap and held her tight to my chest as I pulled out my phone, quickly calling Jared to my aid. I don't even remember talking to him or what I said because I was so focused on her weak and lifeless body, but soon enough a car pulled in and Jared jumped out.

I picked her up gently in my arms, my eyes never leaving her face.

"What the fuck happened?" Jared shouted before rushing to open the door. My gaze moved up towards Jared and I could feel tears behind my eyes, "S-She had a panic attack, a bad one."

Jared nodded understandably and got back into the car. "Where are we going? Do you know where she lives?"

I frowned to myself and shook my head, "Just go to the hotel, I'll set her up in my room for tonight."

As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, Jared ran inside to make sure nobody would be able to spot us. I stared down at her and sighed sadly, my thumb rubbing the dirt off her forehead. "I promise, everything is going to be okay Honey, but you need to trust me." I whispered.

Soon, we were entering my hotel room and I gently placed her on the bed. Jared said his goodnights and left, leaving her and I alone. I frowned at the sight of her muddy clothing, I felt wrong for changing her but I knew she would appreciate clean clothes in the morning.

I couldn't help but watch the way she slept, the way her body sunk into the mattress like it was the comfiest thing in the world and my heart panged at the thought that she might not even remember the last time she actually slept in a bed.

I watched her breathing, sighing in relief at the even breaths, in and out. She was so beautiful, so amazing and kind and she had no idea, it killed me.

I wouldn't let her sleep in the car again, not if I could help it but she's just as stubborn as I am, maybe more. I smiled at the way her face relaxed in her sleep, and I couldn't help but reach forward to brush the hair off her face.

I sat back and replayed the events of tonight. I hated that she thought I pitied her or felt bad, I mean I did but that's not why I wanted to be here. I just... felt this need and want to protect her at all costs, to be there for her. I was going to fight for this and fight for her, because believe it or not, this was fate.

I wasn't going to lose her again.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Like, comment & reblog -feedback is my fuel ❤️

[walkergirlsposts]

You know it makes me wonder what kind of world hellers and AAs live in.

There's actual injustice in this world going on, there's war overseas, whole families displaced and starving.

There's the two hurricanes that hit NC/SC and Florida back to back, people without basic necessities, people who've lost their home, people who will never recover from this.

There's people who risk it all and know they can get arrested if caught giving homeless people food or basic necessities. I know Texas is one of the states that has this law.

Then there's these fanatics, these over privileged people faking outrage on Jared skipping the con for whatever reason he had. People angry over fans choosing to only video tape Jensen and not Misha or Rob.

Where's their outrage over what's going on in this world?

The same energy they put into all this over who is a lead, who is a favorite, who is whatever, why can't they put it into actually humanitarian work?

I'm sorry I'm just upset over the same blogs talking about Jared and about "jenmish" and about a revival will have a fixit and it's all a little too much when there's so much wrong in the world and they don't seem to truly care about real world matters.

They care about no real world issues anon. They don't care that Palestinians are being bombed to death, run out of their homes; they don't care Ukraine is being destroyed; they don't care about the hurricanes that left millions without power and basic needs, like the wars; they don't care there's millions upon millions starving in the world, having their basic human rights erased. All they care about is their outrage over a c Lister because.........he stood in the way of a ship. What a scary world it is over in delulu land.