#her own trauma around her mum staying with her abusive dad

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Was anyone going to tell me It Ends With Us has a full on rape/sexual assault scene in it or was I just supposed to find out on my own?

….so like I saw an edit of It Ends With Us a few weeks ago and it had a. Visually questionable scene in terms of sex and consent but I also wasn’t entirely sure because it was 1. A short and limited clip and 2. Women are fawning over this book everywhere and there are like definitely a lot who still like Ryle (the abusive guy) because he’s “troubled”

Typically I would read that as oh yeah it probably just covers physical abuse or gaslighting maybe, a toxic relationship

Like yes the guy’s definitely crappy and getting physical or gaslighting is not okay but there’s still a certain forgiveness you can extend to it, especially if he’s deeply messed up and is basically the emotional equivalent of a bear diving in a dumpster for scraps

(I personally wouldn’t allow it on any level but I’m just speaking to a general consensus I see online, physical violence to a certain extent is still sort of excusable for some women)

Uh no so I saw that edit got triggered but forgot about it Alhamdulilah (it was just her being pinned to the bed or wall?? And screaming, but again I assumed she LOVES this guy and this guy is POPULAR so maybe it’s my trauma brain playing up)

I just remembered it today because I saw that dumb clip where she suggests the divorce and she mentions the last offence in vague language (“what if… her husband held her down and she begged him to stop, but he swore he’d never do it again?”) a vague enough language that I recognise as someone who…. Struggles to just say it straight

So I googled

And

Er

Colleen Hoover fans are you okay????

[gmuffinhead]

Heres a Demon Slayer modern Au I came up with cuz I can.

Warnings, mentions of r*pe, domestic abuse and character death. Only short mentions of it, tho!

They are all college students, a level students. Cuz I'm British and i dont understand America.

College students:

Giyuu - 18 - A level computer science, A level physics, A level chemistry.

Sanemi - 18 - A level maths, A level physics, A level biology.

Shinobu - 17 - A level health and social, A level chemistry, A level biology.

Obanai - 18 - A level English Lit, A level English language, A level physics.

Mitsuri - 17 - Art level 3 btec.

Kyojuro - 17 - A level history, A level geography, A level business.

Tengen - 18 - A level preforming arts, A level art, A level music.

Gyomei - 18 - A level religious studies, A level Sociology, A level Psychology.

High-school students:

Zenitsu - 16 - Year 11.

Genya - 16 - Year 11.

Aoi - 16 - Year 11.

Tanjiro - 15 - Year 10.

Inosuke - 15 - Year 10.

Kanao - 15 - Year 10.

Muichiro - 14 - Year 9.

Nezuko - 14 - Year 9.

Senjuro - 14 - Year 9.

Facts:

Giyuu babysits Muichiro because Tsutako was Muichiro's nurse when he was in the hospital.

Kanae is a therapist. Tsutako is a nurse.

The Kamado family's bakery is right next to the Tomioka household.

Obanai and Shinobu live in the same apartment building.

Kanae and Tsutako are dating. They met at the hospital Tsutako works at.

Kanae is Inosuke's mum's therapist.

Shinobu has babysat Inosuke on multiple occasions before.

Tanjiro and Kanao are dating.

Mitsuri and Obanai are dating, and Obanai sometimes stays around hers during holidays.

Aoi has a crush on Tanjiro.

Zenitsu doesn't hold any romantic feelings for Nezuko.

Shinobu and Giyuu are very close.

Rengoku's family used to babysit Mitsuri and her siblings, but ever since Kyojuros mum died the families haven't interacted outside of Kyojuro and Mitsuri.

Mitsuri can't drive so Obanai drives her around.

Family:

Giyuu lives with his sister since their parents died when he was younge due to an illness.

Sanemi and Genya live with all their siblings and their mum. Their dad is in prison for domestic violence.

Shinobu lives in her older sisters apartment since their parents passed away when she was only 12.

Obanai lives with Kyojuro in the same apartment building as Shinobu. He was born and raised in a cult that he fortunately escaped from, and was adopted by the Rengoku's.

Mitsuri lives happily with her parents.

Kyojuro lives with Obanai, he used to live with his acholic dad and younger brother but left because his dad was getting worse. His younger brother stays with him during the weekends.

Tengen has an apartment with his three girlfriends. He doesn't want to live at home since his family is a military family and don't agree with his educational choices. His girlfriends also come from a military past. But all four of them have put it past them now to live normally.

Gyomei lives on his own, but does babysitting after school and on the weekends. He babysits Sanemi's siblings often.

Muichiro lives with his parents. Unfortunately when he was 10 him and

Yuichiro got into a terrible car accident. Where in the heat of the moment Yuichiro leapt across his seat to shield his brother. Muichiro got a serious head injury and can't remember anything.

Tanjiro and Nezuko live with their family and own a bakery.

Zenitsu lives with his granfather and his adoptive brother. Although they don't get along well.

Kanao was recently adopted by Kanae and Shinobu. She was trafficked and abused by many people before ending up in an orphanage, however the orphanage didn't know how to deal with her trauma so they contacted a known therapist, Kanae, who decided to adopt Kanao.

Aoi lives in the orphanage Kanao was sent to. She works part-time for Kanae.

Inosuke lives with his mother. His father (not douma) is in prison for r*pe of a minor (Inosukes mum). Inosukes mum gave birth to Inosuke when she was only 17. (WHICH IS LIKE CANNON??)

Other facts about school.

Shinobu, Giyuu, Mitsuri, Obanai, Rengoku and Sanemi all went to the same high School that the younger kids go to.

Tengen and Gyomei went to separate schools.

Sanemi had a small crush on Kanae during his high school years.

Giyuu and Shinobu shortly dated before finding out they were both gay. However, they continued to play date because they didn't want to come out.

Rengoku set Obanai and Mitsuri up when they were in year 10. They've been datingg ever since.

Sanemi and Obanai used to get detention quite often since they misbehaved. Giyuu also got detention but because he skipped many lessons. Thos caused Obanai and Sanemi to dislike him and think that he didn't value his education and must have thought he was better then it. Giyuu on the other hand just didn't enjoy sitting in the classrooms due to how anxious it made him, and would do his work on his own somewhere else.

Giyuu didn't have many friends as he kept to himself and skipped many lessons.

Shinobu and Mitsuri became good friends in year 9, Shinobu had a little crush on her but quickly got over it when Mitsuri and Obanai started dating.

In Tengens school, no one believed him when he said he had three girlfriends because they each went to different schools. That was until he took all three of them to his prom. It was pretty flashy.

A picture diagram to show how the friend group came to be and how they all are linked.

Ships (maybe):

Sanemi X Giyuu (but it's like subtleish)

Tengen X Suma X Hinatsuru X Makio

Mitsuri X Obanai

Tanjiro X Kanao

Kanae X Tsutako

[judzea]

Chaos Theory Count Down!

PROMT ONE FAVE CHARACTER!

Ben Is my fave character. So naturally, I had to add more trauma to him because I have theories.

This is a character study behind the other motivations Ben may have had when he tried to stay behind on the Island. I just always felt there had to be more reasons to Ben wanting to stay behind on a literal dino island than to go home.

Warnings ⚠️ implied child abuse and implied alcoholism. I don't think Ben had a good home life.

--

Darius was so confused. Because this wasn’t like before. He had thought Ben just wanted to stay because of Bumpy. He knew what trauma bonding was. He had read books on trauma after his fathers death. He read them to help his mum (himself too) and now that knowledge was useful here but what Ben was doing now was beyond someone who had bonded with a dinosaur when he was vulnerable. Bumpy didn’t need him anymore. There was no guarantee Bumpy would even stay with Ben now she had been accepted into the herd yet Ben still wanted to stay.

“I am not afraid here’”

Ben had said. Darius was thinking about it as the group walked back to the boat occasionally asking Ben if he was sure.

“Ben what are you afraid of when you go home?”

Darius realised as soon as he spoke that he over stepped. Part of him felt guilty doing it there in front of everyone but it felt necessary. Their heart to heart earlier about his own trauma and guilt about loosing Ben wasn’t enough to keep Ben from staying. Ben’s trauma was the thing that needed to be talked about here.

“What?”

“I just mean… You said earlier that you wern’t afraid here. You talk about liking who you are here and that here you know how to survive. But does that mean there is something back home you think you don’t know how to survive?”

Ben hunched his shoulders forward and refused to slow his stomping pace though the leaves. Kenji rolled his eyes at Darius.

“Dude Ben was afraid of everything before. He didn’t know hoe to survive a car ride.”

Brooklyn punched Kenji in the arm and looked to Darius meaningfully.

“I think I get what Darius means. Before you were scared of lots of things but those things are things I know you are not scared of anymore. You eat bugs now and crelay don’t care for hygiene as much as you did then. It isn’t like you would still be afraid of that kind of stuff when we get back. So there has to be something else. Something back home that makes you think surviving here is easier than surviving home.”

Darius nodded along with Brokyln watching Bens stiff back as he hunched further in on himself.

“You don’t talk about home much Ben. I talk about my family all the time. All of us have at some point. Even Kenji misses his dad and his dad kind of sucks.”

Sammy says. Kenji makes an upset noise before sighing and nodding his head in agrement.

“Ben what ever it is surely it can’t be worse that getting eaten by dinosaurs.”

Yazmina says using her superior speed to catch up to Ben quickly and grab is shoulder. Ben shugs her off suddenly.

“You don’t get it.”

“Home isn’t perfect Ben but it is better than this. Yeah my parents put me under allot of pressure to be a good athlete and I don’t have allot of friends but it was home.”

Ben has stoped walking but he still won’t face the group.

“My dads sold my life to millions of other people before I was old enough to know what fame meant. I rely on strangers to feel worthy of love but at least I could go get food when ever I wanted.”

Ben shrugged.

“My family was struggling allot with money and we all pretended it was fine but we knew we would still have eachother if this wen’t side ways.”

Ben moved his arms around himself, hands visible gripping the sides of his waist.

“My dad was barely there. I spen’t more time with staff than with my family. And when he was there he was parading me around to other people and belittling me when I didn’t mesure up to their kids but… I had a roof over my head, my dad had his moments and Candy she was really starting to grow on me.”

Kenji moved forward to touch Ben but was shrugged off just as hard as Yazminas previous attempt.

“My family was healing. Losing my dad changed my family's whole dynamic and I am not sure what kind of dynamic I am coming home to, but I know my mother will be happy to see me. Won’t your mom?”

Ben sighed heavily finally turned around eyes glistening with tears.

“You don’t get it! It isn’t pressure or, financial strain, or neglect or loss I am running away from. You all go home at you get to go somewhere safe. Somewhere that you can go to sleep at night an not have to worry about predators getting you in your sleep. I don’t get that! Here when I sleep for a few hours at a time I know what to expect if something comes for me. I know how to defend myself if something comes at me. But I can’t do that back there. I know that no matter how strong the Island made me that I can’t… I won’t be able to protect myself there.”

Ben was shouting pointing back and forth form the shoreline tears springing out form his eyes as he yelled his voice cracking.

“You mean you mom?”

“Don’t you dare blame her for him.”

Ben snaps with unusual venom at Brokyln.

“You have never mentioned you dad before.”

Darius says watching Bens heaving chest unable to look at Bens teary eyes in fear he might begin crying to. Sammy already was.

“You just lost your dad I wasn’t going to talk about how much I wish I had lost mine.”

“Ben I…”

“Don’t I am still not angry at you. None of you have done anything wrong. I just… Please trust me when I say I am better off here.”

Brooklyn shook her head.

“You don’t know that. You can get help back home. You will be alone here. But back home we can help. Your mom can…”

“No she can’t if she could she would have along time ago. People are stupid when they are in love. He is good to her he makes her happy. They are probably way happier without me there. He doesn’t have a disappointment of a son to be angry at and she doesn’t have to feel guilty. When I am not home and he gets drunk he just falls asleep on the couch. It is better when I am not there.”

Kenji shoved himself in front of Ben and placed a palm on Ben's cheek gently forcing him to make eye contact.

“I am not.”

“Huh?”

“I am not better when you arn’t here. None of us are. We are all better with you with us.”

Bens eyes watered again tears rapidly falling.

“I am sorry. I just I can’t. I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to lay in my bed evey night unable to sleep listening out for the sound of crumpling beer cans hoping he won’t find another reason to come into my room and hurt me. I don’t want are more hospital visits I don’t want any more raised voices. I was scared of everything before. I knew to be scared of things, I know how dangerous things can be. Know that bad people really do exist because I live with one. I know you all think I am brave now but I… I am so scared.”

Ben began to sob in earnest now Kenji grabbing the back of his head and smooshing his face into his chest. Ben embraced the hug greatfully relaxing further when a crying Sammy joined in followed by Darius then the others.

“I promise Ben I won’t let any of that happen again. None of us will.”

Kenji said looking at Darius over Ben's head. Darius nodded.

“Yeah. We survived dinosaurs. We can surive this. We are a family now and family sticks together. You would be welcome in my home.”

“Or mine! My mom has too many kids as it is whats one more!”

Ben sniffles.

“My dad had killer lawyers we are going to sue the crap out of Injen. You will have so much money you can buy your way out of your family.”

“I can black mail you dad so he won’t make a fuss when you try to leave and live with one of us.”

“You can have like a whole floor in one of my penthouses”

Ben begins to shake in the groups arms and for a moment Darius worries that he is crying again. But he realizes when he hears a snort that Ben is laughing.

“You guys are crazy.”

“Hey Camp Fam for life Ben. We protect each other. From anything.”

Darius says finally able to look Ben in the eye.

“You really mean it?”

The whole group around him yells in positives. There is no way they are leaving Ben behind. And there is no way they will do it when they get home either. Darius was already making plans, and back up plans. He was sure Brokylen had done some legal videos in the past. When they get off this island they were going to have so many plans and back up plans that there was no way Ben was ever going to be without one of them again.

[hopefulromances]

maybe kind of angsty? but "Opening up about trauma/past negative experiences", i've been thinking about how jamie would react with the other person also having an alcoholic / abusive parent, if he would "relax" because they can identify with his experience, or would he recoil because of his own trauma

TW: Talk of abuse, drunkness, angst

You stared at your phone. The voicemail notification was taunting you. It was a call from a number you hadn't heard from in a long time, one you thought you'd never hear from again. Knowing Jamie would be home in a few minutes, you wanted to get this over with before he got him. He didn't need to deal with this, he already had enough going on in his life.

Hestitantly, you pressed play on the voicemail.

"Hi (Y/N), it's your mum. I know we haven't talked in a while and I understand why. I just... I wanted you to know that I've been going to meetings and working on getting better. I've heard about you and you're doing... god, you're doing so well, darling. I just want to talk. Give me a call back. Love you."

You hadn't realized you were crying until a splash of a teardrop hit the phone. It'd been years. Years since the argument that sent you fleeing from her house, vowing never to talk to her again.

"Babe?" Jamie's voice surprised you by how close he was. How long had he been in the room? Had he heard the voice mail? You frantically started to get up, wiping at your tears to try and hide them.

"Hey, Jamie!" You walked over to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "How was training?"

You tried to walk past him but he grabbed you by your arms and forced you to stay in front of him. "Are you crying?"

You let out a fake laugh. "What? No! No, just my allergies you know how I get."

He stared at you. Damn this man. He could see right through you. You bit your lip, willing yourself not to cry anymore.

"I just... I got a call from my mum," you explained, looking down.

"Your mum?" he echoed, cocking his head. You didn't talk much about your mother. Bad memories.

"Yeah... she... she wants to see me," you said lamely. "And I haven't seen her in probably ten years."

A few minutes later you were sitting at the kitchen table with Jamie bringing you a cup of your favorite tea. He sat across from you giving you space but still having his hand on the table for you to grab if need be.

"The last time I saw my mom... she was drunk. Growing up, since my dad died, she was always drunk. But I learned how to manage. But this one day, I was... 15 I think? I just snapped. I was tired of it. Of her.. ridicule, telling me I wasn't pretty like she was when she was my age. That I was a slut everytime I tried to leave the house. How I wouldn't amount to anything."

You closed your eyes, remembering the insults that she'd hurled at me. A jealous mother, wishing she could be her child. "So I left, and I never looked back. And now she's calling me. Telling me she's changed that she wants to see me, and I dont... I don't know what to do."

Jamie stared at you as he tried to understand his own emotions. His own father had managed to slither his way back into his life once he got famous and squeeze him for every good thing he had. No way he was going to let someone do that to the woman he loved. He scooched his chair over, awkwardly loudly, so he was sitting next to you.

Hesitantly, he brought his arm around you and as soon as you felt him, you buried yourself in him.

"Whatever you do or don't do. If you want to see her, great, if not, also great. I'm here. I'll make sure she doesn't hurt you." He told you firmly, keeping you wrapped up in his arms. "I'll make sure no one ever hurts you again.

[faithfromanewperspective]

I learned a lot about not living in fear by watching people do it. I learned about all the bad things that could happen to me when I went outside, when I did anything, at an age that was probably far too young to be hearing of these things. my dad, who knew he couldn’t control what his in-laws said to me (I know. I know he COULD but it would’ve meant Dealing With Complex Relational Things as a twentysomething autistic man who didn’t want to get divorced should my mum choose her parents over him, overall I don’t think I got nearly the worst scenario), who taught me martial arts and how to abseil at age six, would tell me not to let it dictate my behaviour. Not to live in fear.

now I’m a PDAer and with it comes the need to sometimes, not always, do the opposite when things get demanding. and not living in fear? I can do that. the more anxious I get, the more reckless I am with my own safety and I’ve always been like that, and I can minimise risk for myself pretty well so I don’t end up getting badly hurt. I grew up resentful of love, that was the price I paid for my own safety. I’m drawn to danger, but my brain is well enough developed that I don’t actually act on it. I get my kick out of doing things that SEEM scary, but since I was a child I’d swear up and down I wouldn’t complain if something bad did happen to me, I would simply do what it took to see the perpetrator brought to justice.

I got older, and I never encountered any sex trafficking. My neighbourhood proved safe to walk around, and though it’s not recommended at night I knew enough statistics to say that, the chance of something happening is low enough I’m happy to risk it now and then as long as I don’t make it a regular occurrence. Every action has a risk to it. For more years than I can remember, I’d weigh it up against my chance of dying by suicide, and that was so much higher. so I chose to live. Not feel trapped.

although none of the things I was warned of happened, as I got older I did get hurt. By groups and organisations who claimed to care for me, who offered community and then wanted to exploit me for my work. I was lucky though, that none of that work and connection was sexual: I never got pressured into a marriage I wasn’t sure of, or worse. I didn’t bring anyone to justice, there was nothing that severe, but I did always call them out when they needed. On when insecurity led them to exploit marginalised groups. On when it wasn’t consistent with what they claimed to believe.

my story isn’t quite that, but did you know most abuse and assault is perpetrated by people we know and trust? I can’t remember the exact statistic. but I know I’m not scared of a stranger on the street. I learned how to read people and I learned to recognise signs of abuse. A lot of them are to do with limiting freedoms to go places, to spend money, to talk to people. I don’t let anyone dictate those things for me ESPECIALLY if they claim it’s for my own safety or good. I know what it feels like to feel trapped and I have lasting trauma symptoms from it, but one thing it DID teach me was not to live in fear of something bad happening. The ‘something bad’ is the person or voice that says you’re not allowed to do what you want, you’re not allowed to take known risks or weigh up the actual statistics for yourself. You need to feel like you’re taking what autonomy you have over the situation.

but if you have children or just friends you care about, watch out. My grandmother lived in fear because she grew up around unsafe people. And in exercising her autonomy, she became the one to control me, and to this day she genuinely believes it’s for my own good because she doesn’t understand the concept of women having autonomy that isn’t staying alive for our loved ones out of duty. We’ve started to talk about it recently, now she’s older and I can retrain my brain to remember she has no power over me. But all I’m saying is: yes, there’s risk to everything we do. yes, it’s higher as women, as people of colour, as people who live in poorer neighbourhoods. And yes, fear doesn’t make us think rationally. But you have to live. Whatever that looks like for you. Weigh up your options and choose the life that’s gonna make you happiest and leave you with the least—not zero, because that’s very unlikely—unprocessed trauma going forwards.

[puggledy-huggledy-is-not-a-pig]

The ultimate modern!Guy head-canons -brought to you by my obsessed mind

So, I’ve been thinking about Guy (yes I know, shut up) and how I would go about creating a modern!Guy version that is as loyal to the original as possible in every way that matters -history, personality, trauma, profession etc. Below you can find my self-indulgent fantasies:

Guy and his little sister Isabella were brought up by a single mother, their dad being a deadbeat that left the picture early

Their mum was loving and affectionate, but she had her own issues -mild substance abuse and a violent on-again-of-again boyfriend. When boyfriend was not around, she was nurturing and attentive. When he was around, there were many issues with fights, drink, violence and so on.

One night there was yet another fight and young Guy tried to step in and protect his mum - in the scuffle, things were knocked down and kitchen fire started.

The fire brigade noticed the chaotic environment, drink and signs of domestic violence and called social services. Guy and Isabella were removed from home and found themselves in the foster care system.

After about a year of being moved around, Isabella was adopted by a couple, but Guy was deemed too old for adoption and stayed in foster care, being passed from pillar to post as various placements broke down. (Sweet little girls are much more likely to get adopted than hulking teenage boys with anger issues…)

Guy has a ton of issues as a result of his past. He has developed a disorganised attachment style. He idealises his mother, but also feel resentful that she didn’t prioritise them. He blames himself for starting the fire that got them removed from home. He has lost contact with Isabella after her adoption (He figured she was starting a new life, and didn’t feel like watching from the side lines… Brought up too many complex feelings.) Unfortunately, the couple who adopted Isabella turned out to be abusive assholes. As an adult, Isabella blames him for leaving her with them, not staying in touch, not trying to find out how she was…

When Guy aged out of foster care, he was left without support… He considered joining the army but his temper issues prevented him. He ended up working for crime baron “The Sheriff” Vaisey, involved in drug trafficking, extortion, turf wars and so on. He doesn’t enjoy violence, but he doesn’t shy away from it either -that’s how the world works, as far as he’s concerned, and if he doesn’t do it, someone else will. And yes, his relationship with “The Sheriff” is as messed up and complicated as it is in the series. The man craves a family but can’t tell a toxic one from a healthy one.

He drives a Harley and has a Jack Russell terrier called Dale. He used to bite his nails, but stopped himself (with effort) because he thinks the habit makes him look worried and insecure. He chain-smokes roll-ups now (because they give him something to fiddle with, that doesn’t allow others to see he is stressed.)

He has worked as a bouncer, and knows Krav Maga. In his more optimistic moments, he dreams of leaving crime, having a family and starting a business as a self-defence instructor. But he doesn’t really think it will ever happen.

He looks like early Lucas North, complete with tattoos.

He loves getting a massage… (It feels intimate but is not seen as weakness. He really likes being touched, someone please love him…)

[chumpmagump]

dear mum & dad

TW; mention of abuse

Dear mum and dad,

I don’t hate you for how I grew up, I despise you for the lack of accountability, apology or any expressed regret for how it was. What am I thinking writing this right now. I have no capacity.

Dad why were you violent and screamed and threw things and strangled my mother against the wall in our Sydney home? Why have you entered a marriage now where none of that happens?  Does she know how you were?  Im happy for you but I think your deceiving her by keeping the full truth from how you were. I know you were not happy and you stayed with mum because of us kids, but at what cost. I struggle to trust any man that enters my life and I seem to keep attracting emotionally avoidant partners, much like how you were. You did your best. But it wasn’t enough and I carry the scars for the rest of my life and you should have been finding ways to make it up to me.a phone call once every few months doesn’t really cut it. why couldn’t we have talked about this. Why do you continue to put mum down yet take no responsibility for the harm you caused her and macros and i.

Mum, you’ve been scarred from the men you dated. I get that. You have been so desperate for connection you’ve put it above your own children again and again again. You’ve let people outstay their welcome and you’ve let yourself hurt. You don’t have to keep living in that cycle. You can at any moment decide you and your kids are too valuable to have any man interfere with your lives. Theres only so much time you have to play victim before you and your family really do become another statistic. I believe dad coud have killed you, and I think Andrew could too. Do what you will with that. I have always been hard on you because you have those kids in your care, if this was just you I would leave you alone. You are an adult to make your own choices. But as soon as  you have kids you give up the right to put yourself first and you need make those kids feel loved and safe and appreciated. Imogen looks like a shell, her whole body curls up around her shoulders. That’s trauma. That’s what the body does. Your back looks much the same. So did mine until I rid everyone that wasn’t providing any support.  Give her a hug, give her many. Give her what you couldn’t give me back then. Because you were so beaten down. Make it different this time. You have the power.

I will always be there to help you of getting rid of men. To the day I die I don’t care how fragile out relationship is I will house you and help you on your feet if it means you can change your life and theirs. I have always said that.  I will never use my help against you. But you cant tell me youre going to overdose because of me, and you cant scream at me because your in pain , and you cant tell me I should have called docs on my own father when I was small child. I wont accept any more abuse from you or my dad. In fact you would call me outside to help you not have dad abuse the animals , and when I didn’t come because I was so scared you blamed me. You blamed me as a young child. You do know children rely on their parents to keep them safe. Not the other way around. I wont tolerate you blaming me any more.

The amount of times ive picked myself up the floor or gotten myself home safe contemplating leaving this world, because I felt the pains of what I went through and the fact neither of you can really support me the way I need – countless. I got myself to where I am on my own. I rescued that small child that didn’t have anyone to turn to because to her everyone who loved her hurt her, would love one minute would hurt the next.  I rescue her every time she wants to leave this world. I thank you for your shelter and keeping me alive. You loved the way you only knew how. Please go to therapy and develop a relationship to yourself. There has to be someone deep inside that is hurting immensey to be able to hurt others the way you have. I go to therapy to deal with my trauma. Im 27 years old and I want to be known I needed to send this. I don’t care if you choose to dodge accountability, if you blame each other, I needed to say this for me.  

[perculiar]

Bouncing in and out of intense dissociation after Family Drama re domestic abuse and needing to step into old protective roles.

Witnessed by a best friend I had growing up who is now my mums gardener. Once the active threat was defused, I got to say hello. We sat and chatted for a good half hour.

I told him I’m working through a lot of childhood shite (various abuses) and he asked how I’m doing rn. When I explained I can’t visit so often for my own emotional/psychological safety and told me, “it’s ok, I know why you can’t come back.”

& idk. it broke me a little. Incredibly affirming & comforting. But. Idk. Nobody ever saw the worst, the bruises on my stomach from being booted. Or whatever.

But what they did see was enough to know that even the verbal abuse is part of the family status quo. What I survived. What we all had to survive and how it came from every fucking angle. Every fucking angle.

He more or less said he was happy I made it out & asked me how Manchester’s going. Then invited me to stay at his when I visit, “you don’t need to come back and visit them”.

It just rocked me in ways I didn’t expect. This whole day - seeing how things have changed, how some things have gotten worse when I thought they’d improved - has rocked me.

It doesn’t surprise me. It’s just kind of harrowing really. To know some things have remained unchanged.

My mum + nana + sister + nephew all deserve so much more than they’ve been given. Trauma compounding trauma compounding trauma.

It’s easier to see it for what it is now, but that doesn’t mean it’s fixable. Or easily healed.

Also spoke to my mum n nana about some of the covert incest I’ve experienced from my “”dad””.

He was going to come over. All week I’ve been hoping desperately that he doesn’t just pop up like he used to and I’d have to deal with him alone.

I went to check he definitely wouldn’t be coming after my sister told my mum he was about and my brother said he wants to come up too. Then M promptly rang my sister to ask for my mums number. She just put my mum on the phone thankfully and I got to hear his voice for the first time in years. I think I just started shaking and stared at the floor by my mum. I know she was watching me as she told him to not come today. I think I was clawing at my arm too without meaning to.

Then when it was just me, mum and nana she said “can I ask you a private question” and I pointed out that we weren’t alone but said yeah and she asked why I reacted like that. Asked if I just don’t want to see him because of how he treated her.

I stumbled through an explanation and said one of my first childhood memories was him pushing her so she fell over and smacked her head open on the radiator. Then the general domestic abuse. But also. How I couldn’t remember before but how I’ve started to remember things that didn’t make sense or were just. Not okay.

Like how he’d fall asleep and grab me and not let me up. Mum did that he did that to her too and I told her he’d do it a lot when it was just me and him and I’d panic and just have to shake and hold myself still til he fell asleep.

Then I said his behaviour would change - especially when it was just me and him. Never around my brother. But I thought it was normal. I told her about seeing him naked at his house but being really confused because he came into the bathroom when I was in the bath (which surprised me). My mum interrupted with a kind of surprise gasp ?? and said she’d never ever seen her dads privates. & I just breathed and said the thing about it is I’m pretty sure he was hard. and I don’t know why or whether it’s his general incompetence or purposeful.

My nana said inappropriate either way. Which was nice. I didn’t expect them to. Idk. Accept what I said so easily.

They just sat there n listened and were supportive?? And said like. Ofc you wouldn’t want to see him. That’s a lot etc.

Also told them about how when I hated him and wouldn’t speak to him he’d come wake me up and rub my thighs. And how much it made me uncomfortable and cringe away. I forgot to mention how he’d tell me off for ignoring him at the same time or call me names. But yeah.

I let what we said rest a bit. But said like, I don’t think he’s a danger to the kids (my niblings) and how I think it was bc he …could… with me. In that in-between space I existed in where I was His Daughter but also, wasn’t.

Didn’t explain that offenders are less likely to be pedophiles, and more likely to just be opportunists. But it felt too far and too Much to get into more.

So that happened.

A mere half hour after I stepped in front of my sister bc my brother looked like he was going to throw a fucking can of coke at her head or lunge at her after she made a comment.

He threatened her and verbally abused her from outside the house when we got him out. & my mum calmed him down but we all had to listen to his shit and it was fucking sickening.

Loathe the fact my family still have to deal with that abuse. When he can fly off the handle like that, i fucking fear for the kid he’s about to have.

Catapulted me back into the 12 year old that would step between him and my sister or my mum and desperately try calm him down before he actually hurt one of them in his lashing out.

As my friend said. He’s been like that for 20 fucking years.

I had thought it had gotten better. But I don’t think so. It seems worse. The instant flip.

& the shit he fucking says.

Afterwards my mum said he was provoked by what my sister said and I just said no. No he wasn’t. & if anything, my sister has all the right in the world to be angry at him. A whole lifetime of reasons.

[louisysl]

personal trauma dump under the cut pls ignore i just need to let this out but i don't want ppl reading it i just have nowhere else to pour this

i've always had a very weird relationship to my parents. it was pretty obvious throughout my childhood that my parents never wanted kids. mum even said it once straight to our faces; she wanted babies, not kids. i'm the middle child and the only girl, and she had postpartum depression after she had me, so i imagine i didn't get much love even as that "wanted" baby, and it certainly didn't increase growing up

i don't have a lot of memories from my childhood because it was so traumatic to me and my brain learned to dissociate because according to my therapist i wouldn't have survived if it didn't. my parents weren't the only issue, their abusive behavior was mirrored by my older brother and since my parents were so absent, it was my brother who took rather a major role as my abuser when we were kids, and for a long time i did put a lot, if not most of the blame on him. reflecting on it now as a grown up i feel it's unjust to place the blame so heavily upon him when he was suffering, too, and he was a kid, and he was literally just a carbon copy of their abuse

when i first moved out i didn't really stay in touch with my parents much and i was the happiest i'd ever been, finally free of the shackles that weighed so heavily on me. i unconsciously sought that abuse i had experienced at home though, in my new, free, young adult life and after numerous instances where i was sexually assaulted and even raped, i ended up in a relationship that had a lot of abusive traits - power imbalance, emotional abuse, manipulation... i can't really even think about it, even though it's been years now since it ended. in actuality i have no concept of time as far as my life goes, everything feels like it happened decades ago to someone else. not me, the memories i do hold do not feel my own, they feel as though they happened to a stranger and i was merely witness to it

anyway, long story short, i got back into the equestrian lifestyle after having lived on my own for some years and having somewhat made up with my parents, more specifically with my mum who always loved horses growing up and was the one to introduce me to the hobby. horses always played a huge role in my childhood, they were my escape, my only happy place, and i had to leave them behind for 8 years when i was a teen because my parents no longer wanted to financially support it and i obviously had no money for it on my own as a 14-15 year old full time student

slowly, with horses as our shared passion, my mum and i were able to form some sort of a relationship again and maybe i even felt like she cared sometimes. maybe she does, in her own way, but she's always also put herself first in everything she does. she never does anything for someone else that doesn't benefit her, she's just not that kind of a person. which is hard for me to relate to when i'm the complete opposite and i find it very hard to understand not having any desire to help out of sheer goodness of one's heart, out of empathy

in the present moment my mum has bought a horse for herself and so has my dad, who got into horses just 3 years ago. he's realistically not experienced enough to own or be responsible for a horse on his own, but with the right support team around him and the horse, it's possible. and i'm part of that support group due to being experienced

i'm in a way in a very lucky position that i could only ever have dreamed of. i always wanted my own pony, but i always knew it would never happen. mum always said she'd never, ever buy a horse. it wasn't until a couple years ago when she started to entertain the idea, but her actually going through with it is still rather a shock to me

i think she really tries, in her own way, to allow me in. but it's always on her terms. sometimes i get lulled into this comfortable state of mind where i think it's safe for me to not be on my toes at all times, that i can just be myself and every little thing i do won't lead me into trouble i couldn't have predicted

we've had mum's horse since last autumn, and mum has completely lost her cool with me in the stables, in front of others, quite a few times. and i'm someone who self-reflects a lot and i promise i try my best not to upset her, not to cause any trouble, but there i still stand, completely humiliated and unable to speak (my trauma response is to go mute, i genuinely, literally, cannot speak a word, no matter how hard i try) or defend myself, and mum will spit the vilest shit at me, accuse me of things that are horrible and untrue, even i know they aren't true, and you'd be hard pressed to find a person who dislikes me more than i do myself

and i find those same abusive dynamics still play out, even though i'm grown now, and i live in my own apartment and i'm somewhat independent (yet by large so very dependent on my parents due to circumstances i can't currently change no matter how hard i wish i could)

i still have to tiptoe. i'm still the one the fault falls on, like i always was at home - there are stupid examples, like when my dad hit his head on a mirror door that hung above the sink and he automatically, without thinking about it, blamed me for having left it open and i got in huge trouble. and it most definitely wasn't my fault, i hadn't left it open! but did that matter, did he ask? did he even think something shit could happen, an accident could be caused by someone other than myself? that i wasn't automatically at fault? no. no, he didn't, because it was always my fault, if something was shitty, if something was out of place, if anything at all was ever inconvenient. if someone could be blamed for something, it was always me, and i was always blamed. even my little brother still brings the fact up sometimes, because it was so unjust and based on nothing but their tendency to place blame on me

just yesterday i walked in to the stable to find mum speaking shit about me, because i have chronic back pain due to which there's one task at the stable i'm unable to do, and she doesn't take it seriously. she'd just scoffed at me saying "your back will hurt anyway", when i said i couldn't do it, because it makes the backache worse. and she really didn't care, because if my backs gonna hurt, who cares if it hurts more? she certainly doesn't, because it's inconvenient for her that there's something she'd rather i do that i really just can't. and do you think she told those people that i have chronic back pain? that i won't do the task because i'm physically unable to? no, of course not. she painted me out to be lazy, i'm sure, slagging off because i'm just so spoiled, that's what i'd guess based on history

and i swear i can't imagine other people had such mean shit said about them by their parents when they weren't around. i sometimes heard them speak shit about my siblings, and it's not regular complaining, it's vile, evil language, one i just can't understand you'd use to describe your own child. and if they said that about my brothers, imagine what they've said about me

it's very complicated, because they have this huge thing to hang above me; they allow me to be around horses, my literal lifeline, something i wouldn't have if it wasn't for them, something without which i literally wouldn't care to live, and i do mean that in the very fucking core of it, i really would not care to be alive

but because they allow me this one thing, they have something powerful over me. something to hang above my head. something to use when they want me to feel shit about myself, to feel guilty, to feel at fault, to feel spoiled, to feel whatever the fuck they want me to feel about myself

and this must all sound like such stupid rambling, like i'm complaining about nothing, like i'm so spoiled and ugh, i keep questioning the validity of my feelings. thing is i can't explain it. i can't explain lifelong abuse in a way that does it justice. nothing i say amounts to the gravity of it.

it's just. it's this cycle of abuse that i keep falling victim to. and i sometimes blame myself for not holding them accountable. i've forgiven my brother, even though he put me through hell, i was so terrified of him growing up you have no idea, i can't put it to words - once i ran into the bathroom terrified of him, because it was the only room with a lock, and i called my parents absolutely sobbing out of sheer horror and their response was so cold, they made me feel like i must've done something to deserve that kind of reaction out of him, that i was dramatic, that we needed to sort it out between ourselves because they were too busy (too uninterested)

like.. your child calls you, tells you they've locked themselves so they can't be literally beat up by their bigger, older sibling, and you couldn't give less of a fuck - nah, better yet, you blame that fucking child for having caused it. yeah, beating me up is certainly justified, that's just how shitty i am

it feels so weird, playing this one big happy family at the stables, as if my childhood wasn't hell, as if my parents aren't the very fucking reason i can't function normally and as you can imagine, they do make me feel proper shit about that, too. as if it wasn't their fucking fault, to be very frank, that i am the way i am. it's their god damn abuse that fucked my brain up. and they hold no responsibility for it... and i don't hold them accountable, because i make excuses for them. because i see the best in people. because i hang on to those moments of peace and ease, because i need those, and i can withstand so much shit for a moment of it. it was evident in my relationship, it's evident in all i do, it's all-consuming, it's in everything

[comfortwriting]

Pain - K.R

Masterlist, Requesting Rules, Guidelines

Modern Day Kylo Ren x Fem Reader

about: the reader's parents get divorced, she visits her abusive dad with her boyfriend Kylo and things get out of hand.

warnings: swearing, violence, abusive father, physical abuse, childhood trauma, mention of death and murder, Kylo being incredibly overprotective and angry.

Y/F/N = your father's name.

A/N: this is the first Kylo fic I've written and I can't lie - I've enjoyed it despite being incredibly nervous. I should be asleep or doing uni work but here we are. Feedback is appreciated... it's been a while since I've written anything and I feel a bit rusty. Please reblog to support.

You were in the middle of planting sunflowers with Kylo when the house phone rang, it rarely went off so you pulled off your gardening gloves and hurried over.

"Want me to get it?" Kylo asked casually.

You shook your head, "I'm all good babe."

Walking into the kitchen, you stared at the shiny black phone, its long spiral cord trailing below.

What if someone has died? What if Kylo's uncle found our number?

Biting the bullet and chewing on your lip, you reached out to the phone, pulling it away from its seat on the wall.

"Hello?" You answered, clutching the phone tightly, twirling your fingers through those long spirals.

"Hi Y/N, it's mum."

Her voice made you feel as if you had been pushed down the stairs.

Your mother never called you - instead she always showed up to your house unannounced once in a blue moon - you and Kylo always made sure your doors were locked after an embarrassing close call.

It wasn't like you were close with her or your dad, both of them had a turbulent marriage that left you scarred and troubled from a child to a young adult.

You felt better being away from them, creating your own life and future with your boyfriend who had issues of his own with his father and uncle.

"I haven't heard from you in a while," you replied, turning around and watching Kylo through the kitchen window, his beautiful locks sticking to his sweaty face.

Kylo focused on the tall sunflowers, trying hard not to get soil everywhere else but the tarp.

"I'm not sure if your father told you..." your mum paused for a moment "but we've filed for a divorce... he's moving into his flat this weekend."

Kylo looked up at you with a big smile on his face - his red gardening gloves hugging his big hands,  you tried your best to smile back enthusiastically.

Truth be told, you were relieved at the news - you were glad it wasn't Luke calling or Han bringing news of Leia dying.

There were moments in your childhood when you got on your hands and knees praying for your parents to split up, move on without dragging you in the middle of it and forcing you to pick a side.

"Are you happy?" you asked, ignoring your mother blathering on about the documents.

"I am..." she sighed "but your dad isn't, and he's going to need some help moving in."

The fake enthusiastic smile on your face dropped.

"Dad's asked me to pick him up from the mini centre," you sighed, picking up your car keys.

Kylo started shaking his head and put down his cup of coffee, "I'll get him,"

You walked over to the door, your hand barely brushing against the handle "It's fine, his car will be there for a couple of hours and he said he wanted to go to town until the MOT is finished."

Kylo took long strides towards you, his scar highlighted by the sun beaming through the window "please don't, I don't want you to be alone with him."

You frowned "you can trust him, Kylo. He's not as bad as he was-"

"I don't care." he replied, pulling the keys from your hand "stay here."

Your dad would fly into fits of rage when he wasn't happy. He would yell, smash things, punch the walls, and hurt you - when Kylo first met you he caught sight of the trail of bruises down your arms, back, and legs. You never told him it was your dad, but after a few months of dating and coming up with awful excuses, he didn't need to hear the truth.

"He's been hurting you again, hasn't he?" Kylo glared, his eyes burning into your bruises.

You yanked down your sleeve and tried to push his hands off you "I told you I fell-"

"You've told me that before, Y/N. When will this stop? When will you stop defending him? He can't get away with this!"

"Are you there?" your mother called down the phone.

You scrunched your eyes shut, using your other hand to tuck your stray hairs behind your ear "yeah, it's just... I can't help him, me and Kylo are away that weekend."

Kylo stopped planting and stared at you, already clenching his jaw at the sight of you in distress.

He stood up and pulled off his gloves, throwing them onto the large crumpled blue tarp and walked over to the open kitchen door, he leaned against it, listening in.

"because I can't, mum! He should have hired a service to help him with that shit!" You huffed.

Kylo stared at you, he could practically smell the fear radiating off your skin that was already forming beads of sweat.

"You've never done anything to help out after you left home!" your mother hissed, "All you do is hide away with that controlling, strange boyfriend of yours!"

Even though your mother never punched walls or left you with bruises, she knew how to guilt-trip you and make you feel like shit for wanting to live a happy life without her and your dad dragging you down.

"Give me the phone, sweetheart," Kylo called out softly, holding out his hand as he walked into the kitchen.

"Fine!" you snapped "I'll fucking help him, then! Tell him to have his shit sorted by ten!"

Slamming the phone back on the wall you started to cry, collapsing onto your knees, the cold black and red tiles cooling your skin.

Kylo swallowed hard and got on his knees too so he could be beside you, he pulled you into his arms and stroked your hair with his hand, the other wrapped across your front.

"What happened?" he asked, planting a soft kiss on your head "I know your dad is involved."

Whenever the phone did go off, he had always secretly wished he would hear news of how your father had been arrested or had suddenly passed away - he knew it was a fucked up thing to daydream about, but Kylo had spent many nights lying awake, unable to sleep at the thought of your father inflicting pain on you. He couldn't bear it.

Taking a deep breath, you pulled your face away from Kylo's warmth and looked into his deep concerned eyes. His hand rested against your face, his gentle fingers wiping away your tears.

"Mum and dad got a divorce," you finally replied.

"Surely that's a good thing-"

You cut him off "But I have to fucking help dad move into his flat on Saturday and he's already pissed about the whole thing."

Kylo's eyebrows knitted together and he clenched his jaw, already needing to swallow again as the lump in his throat doubled in size.

"I'm going. You're staying here, whether you like it or not."

Your voice started to crack "He's expecting me to be there, if you turn up without me you know what he'll do to you."

Kylo had to force himself to keep his mouth shut, he wanted to tell you how he felt, what kept him awake at night, the hopes he had every time that stupid little phone would ring.  He wanted you to know exactly what your father made him dream about - the sound of your screams.

You were right though, there was no way Kylo could be in the presence of your dad without you, Kylo would have nothing to stop him from taking your fathers head off; The last time he was alone with him, you didn't hear the end of it from your mother, screaming at your down the phone so loud you were in pain.

Kylo waited in your car for your father, parked across the road from the mini centre he stared out the window, noticing the tall and muscular old man come hobbling out of the door, looking left and right before coming over.

Upon seeing Kylo in the window, your father cursed under his breath, shaking his head and getting in the car.

"What are you doing picking me up?" he snapped, slamming the door.

Kylo sighed "Y/N wanted to stay at home, Y/F/N. She's not feeling very well." he lied.

Y/F/N scoffed and started shaking his head again "You're bloody useless you are, aren't you? My daughter is ill and you're not taking care of her!"

Kylo wished he came up with a better excuse but it was too late, the entire drive to town was nothing but complaints, swearing, and insults; Kylo's hands gripped the steering wheel tight -  every now and then, wishing it was Y/F/N's throat.

When arriving home, Kylo wouldn't tell you how awful your father spoke to him, how close he was to crashing the car on the passenger side and making it out as if it was an accident or another drivers fault.

The phone started to ring and Kylo eyed it immediately - you caught his glance and went to answer, thinking of Han and Leia.

"Y/N, don't-"

"I don't want mum screaming at me again either, she acted as if I was the devil after you picked dad up that day. He walked back to the mini centre to get his car and didn't speak to me for months."

Your boyfriend didn't want to admit it, but you were right. If someone had to help your father, it had to be you either on your own or with someone else by your side, as much as Kylo hated this - part of him knew that he could be there to protect you if Y/F/N were to lash out and scold you.

-

"Are you sure you want to do this?" You asked Kylo, pulling up outside your childhood home, the massive 'FOR SALE' sign glaring at you.

Kylo stared at the window of the front room, Y/F/N happened to be already standing behind the glass, staring back at him.

"Yes I am," he replied, unclipping his seat belt and opening the car door.

Y/F/N grumbled at the sight of your boyfriend walking towards the front door, he wanted nothing more than to belt him and leave another scar on the other side of his face - Kylo had taken his daughter away and placed her in a castle far away from home where she could be free and do whatever she wanted.

You opened the boot and made enough room for the many boxes and bags you assumed your father had filled.

Upon entering the house full of sickening and unhappy memories, the boxes were empty and all of your father's belongings were scattered around the house like trash.

CD cases were cracked, magazines and books had their pages crumpled and ripped out, family pictures were discarded and their frames were smashed.

Kylo's eyes traced over the mess and up to your father's eyes, he had done this on purpose.

"Why weren't you ready, dad?" you asked, trying to sound polite "You knew we would be here for ten o'clock."

Y/F/N continued to stare at Kylo, "why did you bring this punk with you?"

Kylo's teeth clamped down on the inside of his cheeks, his heart pumping in his chest so hard he could hear each beat through his ears.

Stand your ground. Don't let him walk all over you.

"I asked him to join me as I thought we'd need an extra hand and from the look of things, it seems I'm right."

Now your father's cold stare moved from Kylo and leapt onto you, his anger pulsating and tearing into your soul, sucking the life out of you.

"Talking back to me, are you?" he spat, inching closer, kicking aside the CDs.

Stand tall. Don't back down. Don't be afraid. Claim back this space, don't let this house and its memories plague you.

"I'm not talking back," you shot "I'm simply explaining why I asked my boyfriend to help out since you can't do fuck all on your own."

The house suddenly became still and quiet - too quiet even.

Your father's eyes widened and he raised his hand fast, striking you across the face.

You were stunned and instantly felt defeated, your eyes pooled with tears which made your vision glassy, and your cheek felt like someone had sliced it open to pour salt into the wound, your left ear started to ring.

The room couldn't stop spinning, you felt like you could fall backwards at any minute. Part of you questioned if this was real at all - you and Kylo having a place of your own, or were you that unhappy you had created all of this in your mind as a child because that was the only way you could escape?

Kylo pinned your father against the stained duck-egg blue wallpaper, the mantlepiece stood tall and the cloudy glass vase that held the wilted and cowardly roses shook as your father collided with the wall.

"Don't you ever fucking touch her again!" Kylo yelled angrily, his lips wet from his words and spit.

Forcing yourself to blink away the tears, you stumbled over to Kylo and gripped onto his tensed arm "Kylo, stop!" you begged, afraid of your father hurting him.

Kylo continued to yell, his fingernails clawing into Y/F/N.

Do it. You know what you need to do. He's no father.

"Let go, Kylo!" you sobbed, pulling and pulling at his arm.

Kylo couldn't remember letting go of your father, he couldn't remember leaving the house or getting in the car and driving home.

Sitting down at your round kitchen table, he tended to your red and bruised cheek in a daze, his arms no longer tense but his touch now gentle and caring.

It occurred to him that he had possibly scared you and he realised that he couldn't hide his feelings anymore, he was being torn apart and enduring it in silence for much longer would kill him.

I want to be free of this pain.

"I'm sorry," he broke down, forcing himself to look into your tired eyes.

"It's okay, you didn't know what you were doing-"

Kylo shook his head, his hands were trembling "But I did," he revealed, "I have been waiting for this day for a long time."

You stared at him, not knowing what he meant, his beautiful full lips started to quiver.

"Baby, I don't understand.."

"All your father has done is abuse you, emotionally and physically. I've seen the bruises, I've heard you crying and pleading on that stupid phone."

You started to cry again, your tears running over the angry handprint.

"I hate him, I've been awake for many nights because every time I fall asleep I can hear your screams as he beats you, he might leave you bruised but he's weak and foolish, and I've relished every single thought I've ever had about destroying him."

You couldn't believe what you were hearing, you were truly terrified of Y/F/N at times but the thought of your boyfriend killing him made you feel sick - but you were tolerating your father when most would've reported him and had him face the consequences of his actions.

"Kylo, you can't say things like that, you can't-"

"We're being torn apart - you deserve to be free from this pain and I do too, everything he does to you.. it kills me inside.. and today..." he cried harder "I knew what I had to do but I didn't know if I had the strength to do it."

You leaned over the small round table and cupped Kylo's face in your hands, his tears running down his face whilst yours jumped from your chin. You stroked his hair and tried to calm him, but he cried and cried and cried, his wails feeling like a thousand cuts all over your body.

This was how he felt when Y/F/N was hitting me. This is how he felt every single time I walked out of the damn door and drove to that damn house.

"Will you help me?" you whispered, your throat too tight to speak.

He nodded "yes, anything."

You looked over at the phone and back at Kylo "We need to leave all of this behind whilst we still can."

Your hand rested on his face, your thumb tracing his scar.

"Nothing will ever stand in our way."

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Kaz Brekker/Platonic! Crows x fem! Reader - Silence

A/n: So I know I haven't been very active lately but hopefully that will change! Also I don't really love this fic it's not very good and I might rewrite it in the future but for now, you guys can enjoy this shit!!!

Warnings: Abuse, sexual abuse, rape, violence, mentions of death, technically mentions of suicide, THIS FIC IS A MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

Summary: They used to be happy. That’s what Jesper says anyways about his sister. When he’s asked where it all went wrong it’s usually responded with an I have no idea. When Kaz comes to confront them in front of the Crows why you came back all bloodied and carrying back a body, they know this isn’t going to end well…

Death clung to you. That's what people muttered in the streets of Ketterdam, 'if the Blackbird is on a strike don't go outside for a week and remember, pray to the saint who wears the most colour.'

Great bedtime stories for children.

Your legend would never end, though it must have begun somewhere. Someone who you decided could witness one of your killings must have made up a story. Started it up and told it in fright to someone and the people not believing a word they say. Before their dead of course. And then it spreads like the plague.

The Blackbird was once a hopeful girl, full of dreams and happiness. She had beautiful feathers of all different kinds of colours, and they sang to the heavens and it was as if she was a child of the saints. Then one day - the bird that brought kindness and sunshine to everyone's lives fell into a trap.

There was a hyena that people all thought was bad news but she thought she could help him become a better person.

The little birdy was wrong.

He hurt the bird of colours so badly that one day he burned her feathers and they became pitch black. The hyena thought that he had won at last and had gotten power over the bird.

It was said that she ran and escaped the terrible beast that day. And because he had changed her to the very soul she wasn't the same anymore, no. She was only used for revenge, and it was said she turned her backs on the saints for not saving her. When the saints did decide to intervene the little bird was shattered and could no longer sing. Her voice reduced to a vengeful whip, it was no longer beautiful but fearsome.

It was said that on that night the Blackbird used her wings on Ketterdam so she could cover the sky in darkness so the stars in the sky, the only things the saints could use to watch over mankind was blindfolded in a merciless fog.

And there the Blackbird was born.

Maybe death clung to you, but not the same way that trauma and the cruelness of the world does.

And that's a fate worse than death.

You remember strike one, you and Jesper were kids - happy kids. And the neighbour's son of was considerably older than both of you offered to babysit the one time your Da, and Ma was out.

Jesper was playing in the back, perhaps practicing shooting so he could impress your Mum but you stayed inside saying something along the lines that you wanted to cook some cookies for Dad.

How you wished you hadn't.

That teenage boy had put his filthy little hands on you. He left you in the kitchen tears running down your face and bile that you had to force back down your throat.

Your mother had found you like that and she instantly knew what had happened and she made everything much more bearable. When you had nightmares you would get up and knock on her door quietly enough for her just to hear and because your Ma was a light sleeper but your Da was not, she would get up and see you alright.

The poor woman never told her husband because you had pleaded with her not to. She always did blame herself and she made sure the boy never came around again but she did thank the saints that he didn't go all the way.

She wasn't sunshine, (she always said that was you!) No, she was the faint moonlight in the distance that helped guide you on your way home.

Then she died.

Strike two, was your mother dying. You remember that day where she went to take the poison out of that child and when she did she sucked it back into herself. In your arms was the last place your Ma took her last breath.

That was the day the world had lost its guide home and it always seemed to be in peril after that.

Strike three came almost immediately after strike two. Your father wouldn't talk to you. You became a ghost in your own house, you understood your father though,

she did die in your arms.

Jesper was the only one that didn't make strike three the last strike where the rope was at its point and snapped. He was your armour against the world, with his funny quirks and quips. He was the older brother you needed in those moments.

But armour slowly breaks over time and your dear brother wasn't getting enough out of life at the farm. So when your Father sent Jesper to Ketterdam you went right with him.

You attended college for a bit but eventually, your armour had finally left you. It broke under the stress of everything in his life that he couldn't keep up with yours.

So you meant him.

He was kind but knew when the world was being too cruel. He was wealthy, but not rich. He was sweet, but not puke up rainbows kind of way. He knew you like the back of his hand and always knew how to comfort you. Jesper had actually meant him once before he got too busy with the Dregs and said maybe he knew you too well.

You yelled at him at the time and said that was absurd! He would never do anything to hurt you!

Strike four was falling under his spell.

Strike five was when he told you terrible things about yourself and you thought he was always right. He could do no wrong in your eyes.

Strike six was when he finally started beating you and you had just expected it at this point.

Strike seven was when you weren't allowed to go to school anymore.

Strike eight was when he wouldn't let you see anyone, not even your brother. But you never questioned it, he was basically a saint to you, why would you? Besides Jesper never seemed to have time for you anyways.

Strike nine was when he cheated on you and told you you had to be better.

Strike ten was when he started raping you.

Then one day he was worse than usual and you grabbed the hot poker from the fire pit, that he had used to beat you before, and you had told him to stay away.

Then you ran.

It was the straw the broke the camel's back, it was the saints giving up on him or maybe it was the saints giving up on you.

You didn't care, you were free.

You made one promise that day, that you would never love again.

You learned quickly what Ketterdam was like even before you had meant him, so perhaps that was why it was so easy to become the Blackbird. The girl who never smiled, the girl who only lived only for revenge. The monster that will wipe your existence off of the earth like it was nothing. The ghost that will haunt you when your sins line up too high.

Eventually, you joined the dregs and you connected with your brother once again and he knew something was wrong the moment he felt your presence. He didn't believe you were the Blackbird, the girl who terrorized the streets of Ketterdam.

But he learned to accept it, they all did except for that blasted Brekker boy.

With your time in the Dregs, you had slowly begun to form something with Kaz but you quickly remembered your promise to yourself and you let him go.

Although you don't like to admit it, the Crows had become your friends - family even. You would do anything to protect them even though it didn't seem like it. You were you though, and that was being afraid to even semi-connect with them. Of course, you were, because you were growing a bit too fond of Kaz Brekker and last time that lead you to a fate worse than death.

So you distanced yourself for a while to recollect your thoughts and if you really wanted to stay with them. Did they ever manipulate you? No. Then you came back and you stayed, maybe you weren't the perfect friend or a very good one at all but the Crows knew you even considering to stay was a blessing all in itself.

They were always so patient with you even Kaz, especially Kaz, and you never gave anything in return to them. Guilt would often cloud your mind when you were near them but they were always so amazing something you could never be.

But one day they came to their breaking point.

Killing people wasn't anything new for them, much less you killing people but coming back with a bloodied body and losing contact with them for weeks was probably not the same as just 'killing.'

Jesper pulls you by your bicep into Kaz's office with the other Crows following behind. You stumble in as Kaz slams the door shut being the last one in the room. They stare at you with beady eyes almost like the ones on the infamous birds around the Slat.

"What the fuck Y/n!" Jesper finally yells. Everyone around doesn't even bother to tell him to lower his voice their faces held the same anger that Jes's did.

Silence drowns you in its ocean keeping you in its waters. A chain is wrapped around your throat as you sink deeper and deeper into its depths. You try and swim away, run like you always had before, but the weight around your neck is too heavy, too dense and it slowly drowns you.

You just shrugged your shoulders. How could you explain all that you went through? Why would you want to?

"We can't just brush this off Y/n, we always do, but you crossed a line," Wylan states calmly but firmly at the same time putting a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder trying to ease the tension in the room.

You laugh, you hadn't even been walking a line at all. No, you had been jumping from rooftop to rooftop as they created a chalk line at how far you could go. Balling your hands into fits you snarl, they have been keeping you back. Maybe it's a good thing but you didn't want to admit it.

What about Kaz? A voice whispers in the back of your head.

Your eyes travel to his form in the back. He's leaning on the wall slightly but also using his cane to make himself look up-right. The darkness in the back compliments his angular features making them stand out as if saying he was above you. And to most people he probably was and he deserved that position.

But it didn't matter to you, he was just Kaz to you. Even if you saw him as someone... Important in your life, nevertheless he didn't matter. He was just another powerful man drawing a line that you couldn't cross as the line became smaller and smaller till you were trapped against a wall with nowhere to go.

When you first became the Blackbird, you climbed up that wall, you knew what was going to happen next. And you would never let anyone do that to you again.

"If you think I crossed the 'line' then your wrong." Your voice started out light-hearted (never does a fake smile crawl on your face though) but slowly became menacing and terrifying.

You spin of your heels turning to Jesper. "You've kept me in a cage giving me freedom but always locking me back up in the night."

You turn to Wylan and you mock his voice from earlier. "It was only a matter of time before I would break out." Your eyes lock onto Kaz's and your voice softens while you look at him.

"You knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later. A bird needs to stretch its wings somehow."

"That doesn't mean you get to cut off communication with us for weeks than bringing in a body all bloodied. What you said before doesn't even explain why you did that Y/n," Inej says quietly.

You growl and the people closest to you jump back a little.

"Oh, what are you going to do, kick me out? Half of your businesses wouldn't have even succeeded without me!"

Jesper balls his hands into fists. "Gee for fuck's sake Y/n would just tell us!"

"HE'S THE REASON I'M A MONSTER!"

Your shout makes everyone freeze in their place and there it is again. The overbearing silence that takes over everything with its darkness. Running threw out the room, swirling around you and making it impossible for you to even hear anything other than your own terrible thoughts of madness.

But one voice isn't in your head of that hyena howling at you no, it's real and you can hear it among the darkness. You close your eyes listening in and hearing something other than darkness.

"Y/n." Your eyes snap open and you meet Kaz's eyes and you feel something dangerously close to relief.

"Everyone else out."

The Crows file out of the room one by one following Kaz's order. Everyone leaves but Jesper hesitates at the door and you see your broken armour trying to come back to you again and although it's harsh he wasn't there when he should have been. You understood that he had other problems he needed to sort out but you were his little sister.

You were supposed to stick up for each other.

"Out." Your voice would sound cold to anyone else but to Jesper, it sounds tired and unhappy. Lonely also however it has a hit of love and revenge as well.

The taller brother just sighs though and close's the door.

Kaz's eyes meet yours and your hands start to fidget with the cuffs of your bloodied shirt.

He doesn't say anything, he just stares at you. Willing you to spill information with just a glance. Any God would fall prey to those eyes and they would disclose all their knowledge while also thanking him in the end.

Kaz Brekker had something more powerful than Godly power over you.

So you couldn't help but tell him the real more dark story behind the Blackbird, he had already told you his so maybe, just maybe you could trust him.

"Do you know the Story of the Blackbird?" Your voice rings out against the muteness of the room fighting against it for once in your miserable life.

Kaz nods his head showing you that he knew. Of course, he knew it, was Brekker he probably knows every single version by heart.

"And I assume you know it's about me?"

Rolling his eyes but nodding once again.

You hesitate, knowing that after this you couldn't go back. That these next few words could change everything and why are you even telling this to the bastard of the barrel?

Because you love him.

It's simple and you promised yourself you would never love again but possibly that promise wasn't real because perhaps you never really loved that hyena. Some form of peace has definitely come from killing him, but maybe there's more to moving on from trauma than just revenge.

So with those thoughts in mind, the words tumble out of your mouth and you wouldn't be able to stop them even if you tried.

"Around the time where Jesper was just starting in the Dregs I had gotten a boyfriend. He was... Well, he was the perfect boyfriend but looking back he was too perfect. Basically fake, he was a manipulator and he knew me like the back of his hand. He knew where to press and I was under the impression that he could do nothing wrong." You pause to take a breath but you don't look up from your spot on the floor.

"It started with the small things like little insults thrown my way, but then it grew into bigger things like calling me a slut and what not. I wasn't even surprised when he started beating me."

Your eyes slowly come off the floor and they travel up Kaz's body but never meeting his eyes. You didn't want to see the disappointment that would be held in those eyes. That was inevitable.

"Then every day it started to get worse till he-" You cut yourself off and your legs wobble underneath you and as you collapsed Kaz jetted out and caught you before you could fall.

Tears were running down your face as you gripped Kaz's shirt as he picked you up bridal style and carried you over to the bed. He place's you down and slides in beside you yet there was a good distance between the two of you. But it still gave you comfort and for the first time in a while, you didn't question why it did, you just went with it already knowing the reason why.

You loved him it was as simple as that.

"Then he-" You choked on a sob again and you bring your knees to your chest.

"You don't have to say it." He says gently nothing like what that hyena used to do to you.

"Noah used to rape me." The words come out in a blur and the tight feeling in your chest slowly falls apart and for the first time in a while, you truly feel like a Blackbird - free. Stuttering to breathe in a realization comes to your mind; Noah that monster will never hurt you ever again.

"Oh, my Saints! He's dead!" You cover your mouth with your hand and you lean back onto the headboard tears of happiness smear down your face. You don't laugh though but you feel even clearer than before. You could get used to this feeling.

Slowly you look over to Kaz and you realize the two of you were broken souls beyond repair and maybe just maybe that's what you needed. Perhaps that's what you both need, each other.

"Thank you." You whisper and the ends of Kaz's mouth curl's up a bit into what looks like is almost a smile but not quite. You would get there too one day.

===========TIME SKIP 4 Months======================

You jump from the rooftop gliding through the air and landing on the window sill of Kaz's office. You tilt your head to the side affectionately as you see The Crows getting ready for a heist only they're really just fooling around. Everyone but Kaz of course, he's in his desk chair drawing out some maps.

And they tell you you overwork! Hypocrites.

You open the window silently and you slip into the room unnoticed. You tiptoe over to Kaz's desk and you leap on top.

Kaz raises his eyebrow at you and you just shrug your shoulders, he probably had to stop anyways.

"You know there are other ways to get my attention other than acting like a child?"

"Oh, I know this is just more effective." You playfully respond.

Before Kaz could continue with the banter Jesper interject's just realizing you were here grabbing everyone's attention and placing it on you. Still not a fan of that.

"How the hell did you get from that rooftop to that window!" Jesper points outside in a slightly worried, big brother voice.

So you look him dead in the eyes and say; "I flew."

Jesper laughs along with the rest of The Crows but they stop at your deadpan look on your face.

"You didn't really?!"

"No, I didn't." You roll your eyes, "I didn't even think you knew that I did that."

Jesper comes over and wraps an arm around your shoulders and you immediately tense up.

"I do know some tricks! I am your older brother after all." His tone does get a few octaves of sombre at the end remembering the memories of how he didn't protect you before. But he's here now so you guess that's all matter's now.

You scoot off the desk out of his arm range but you do send him a sorry glance. The memories were just too much to handle sometimes. He just sends me a tiny knowing smile and nods and walk's off quietly (for the first time in his life) over to Wylan.

You watch everyone interact and it almost brings a smile to your face but something is missing and you wonder what it is.

Your question is quickly answered though as Kaz stands up beside you. His ungloved hand slowly garb's onto yours's and slowly you intertwine your fingers together.

"You really are the leader of a bunch of idiots." You say as Nina dares your brother to down a whole bucket paint.

"Yes, that's what it seems."

"But we love them." And for the first time in a while, you smile and it's not full-blown, it's tiny yet it has the whole galaxy in there.

"Yes, Yes I do." But Kaz isn't looking at The Crows he's looking at you.

Words 3517

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover

[life-rewritten]

Manner of D*eath (MOD); Hansel and Gretel, Victims or Victors?

I don't know if anyone is like that shocked by the ending of episode 10 of MOD, I mean I think we can all tell it was fake, and I think we also are coming to terms with the villains/ the actual suspect of Jane being revealed. I don't think the show is still mysterious or still has so many hidden plot twists left. If there is then, I'll be happier. Anyway, episode 10 was intense and crazy in terms of what was shown on screen however as always I try to show you how the show gives you clues apart from piecing together what's on the surface, about the MOD of the characters, their actions, choices and who the suspect is and what their plans are now? We get a new fairytale, and can I just say I am loving the use of these fairytale meta for the show: this time Hansel and Gretel foreshadows the secrets of episode 10, clues to our villain and more deeper looks into family dynamics and dimensionality of our characters especially Tan. At the end of episode 10, Tan is forced to eliminate the person he loves (calling back to Little Mermaid analysis here that foreshadowed this) and also becomes a victim to a powerful person that has him entrapped with no escape. So I have a lot to say about these two fairy tales again and why MOD is creative when it uses them, how it makes things more fun to analyse and watch see unfold. Let's begin:

Hansel and Gretel: Victims or Victors

So as always you get a small recap of the fairy tale from me. If Little Mermaid was about forbidden love and betrayal and sacrifice, Hansel and Gretel is more about torn families, more betrayals, trickery, trauma and plot twists. Let's recap: Hansel and Gretel are the children of a very push over dad, with a very cruel mother figure, when a famine occurs in the land, the father is forced to let his wife discard their children in an abandoned forest, left to fend for themselves, so there is more food for their neglectful parents. Hansel though is brilliant, so he overhears and discovers the truth and prevents his sister and him from being lost at first using pebbles to find his way back home. However, the mother continues to send them out and abandon them; unfortunately, Hansel tries again to do so, but he uses bread crumbs as a way to track and sadly has bread crumbs eaten by birds, so he loses his way back home. So after they wander in the forest now fully scared of their situation, they get lured in by a candy house, which has the food they want and is sweet, it's owned by this older woman who is seen as sweet to kids, and friendly and protective. 

However, once they enter the house, Hansel is imprisoned and is going to be eaten by this blood thirsty witch(the older woman's true form). So Hansel has to find again a way to trick her into thinking he's not yet ready to be eaten, he uses a bone to make her believe he's still not eating well enough to be plump for cooking. However, the witch grows impatient and decides to eat him just like that. But instead of just Hansel, she also decides she wants both the siblings. Gretel is still able to walk around and also the witch is blind, so she struggles to see, and she's slow to things. She tries to trick Gretel into entering the oven so that she can eat her, but Gretel like her brother is smarter. So she knows what to do, she ends up tricking the witch into thinking she needs help entering the oven and the witch in annoyance bends down to check the issue and ends up being pushed into the fire and burns. Gretel frees Hansel they discover a lot of treasure at this witch's home, and they take it and go back home with the help of a swan (I don't really understand how it found them and led them home, but you know it's a fairytale) and they reunite with their father who apologises for being a pushover, he didn't want to let what happened to them happen, but the woman forced him to do so, now their mother/stepmother,  was eliminated by the famine and so she wasn't there no longer to abuse them and make him do things he didn't want to do. Hansel and Gretel because of the treasure they found, live successfully, wealthy and happily ever after with their father. The end.

First, it's not as romantic as Little Mermaid is it? I feel like Little Mermaid was more dramatic, painful and sad and had many selfless characters. But Hansel and Gretel is interesting. One, as Tan calls out it's not a romantic storyline, it's about siblings, but Bun and Tan (one of our mirrors of Hansel and Gretel) aren't siblings, you know they're lovers, and so that's also interesting. However, I find it really fascinating and interesting that Tan does mention that because it's important later on in again helping unveil who the villain is. I'll explain later on. Let's look at what we should focus on when talking about this fairytale.; 

1. Hansel and Gretel were victims of family dysfunction; they had an abusive family member who was looking for a way to get rid of them no matter what because of selfishness and greed and lack of love. 2. Hansel tries to survive his fate three times, by being smart and creative about how to escape his situations. The third time Gretel is the one who helps him escape. 3. Things that seem sweet and protective are actually not but traps for someone else's gain. The witch was trying to look like someone who was trusting for kids and who had what they need to run away but she actually wanted to get rid of them and keep surviving and being strong. 4. The witch is blindsided by Gretel because of her little weaknesses and her ability to overlook the kids. 5. Hansel and Gretel survive their trauma by trickery, cunningness and thinking ahead. They reunite with their family member and get rid of the witch (the powerful source holding them hostage), they gain money, wealth, and love by the end of the story.

Alright so let's keep those in mind and carry on with analysing the past episodes 7-10.

Family Dysfunctions and Cruel Abandonments

So I found it really interesting, in episode 10 when Tan starts to speak about his plans for his mother in the past, his relationship with Por and his relationship with Pued. We knew the family was going to be a focus because Tan, Pued and Por looked dysfunctional and also had severely different dynamics with each other. First of all, Tan and Pued apparently were loyal to each other by default; they loved each other despite disagreeing and fighting; they'd do anything as long as the other is safe. Pued may be this horrible person that we unveiled him to be, but he did have some kind of heart, and he did care about Tan, Bun and maybe even Jane though I don't want to say that about him. Pued paid attention to Tan despite his other family members abandoning him and leaving him as a puppet with no love and no care.

In fact, once Pued is eliminated and Por has a chance to react, Por immediately closes his mind and abandons Tan because he had no love, loyalty or trust for him. He's been looking for a way to get rid of Tan from the beginning. Who does that sound like? It sounds like the mother in Hansel and Gretel. The thing in the fairytale is that it's not evident if the mother is their blood mother or if she is a stepmother or if she's even the witch they later encounter there to lure them and get rid of them. But I'm seeing her like Por, someone who is forced to deal with Hansel and his sister not because she loves them but because she had to put up with them because of the father. The father is a failing figure like Tan's father; he's put the children under the care of someone who doesn't even care or respect them enough. And that's how Por treated Tan. So Family dysfunction is real in Hansel and Gretel, and Tan like Hansel is also deserted by a family in 7-10 as he struggles to stay safe and fend for himself and his lover. And the thing is it's messed up because Por loves Pued so much despite knowing how cruel Pued can be, (Por knows about Rung and Pued's involvement in the drug ring) but for Tan, he sees him as a nuisance, someone who's taking from him not helping him, same as Hansel's 'mum' saw him and his sister. And it makes you wonder what kind of family can become this way, why are people so cruel and why do they not treat people equally with respect. Just like the mother is the one who put Hansel and Gretel in danger, and she ensured it because remember they tried to come back and she sent them off, even more, deeper into the forest. Por also did the same thing, he chased cruelly after Tan and wanted to get of rid of him for Pued twice after he discovered Tan escaped from jail. Make it make sense. Like that's your family member.

Anyways so that's the first reason Hansel and Gretel were mentioned. But before I continue, I also wanted to bring up that Tan and Bun weren't the only mirrors for this character. That as always being Tan's shadow character also actually held more resemblance to the kids, he's younger, he's also imprisoned, and he had a girl to protect and watch over like a sister;Nam. Nam and That try to escape this episode with That being the one to make up the way for them to run away, but they get caught. I just wanted to show that imagery as well and connect it to Hansel and Gretel because as Tan mentioned, they weren't lovers, they were siblings.

However I think there's two more people not mirroring them but is being foreshadowed by them, that's Rungtiwa and Pued. Hear me out before you get confused. In episode 9 Rungtiwa that witch, she said that Pued, Tan are like brothers to her. And it made me laugh because obviously using little mermaid analysis, Rungtiwa and Pued were having an affair, and she's the one probably who got rid of him. Also when Pued was eliminated Por said only a family member knew about his condition, well Rung knew about it because she was acting one on the surface like a sister figure to him, but also she was his lover probably. But why I think it's interesting, it's because Tan misunderstands if Hansel and Gretel could have been lovers before Bun corrects him, and since Tan and Bun are mirroring them, I also think Tan was also foreshadowing the confusion and connection of Rung and Pued. People think like Hansel and Gretel, she's a sibling figure to him, but actually, she was his lover theoretically. Just like Tan confused the dynamics between the two siblings. Some people who are meant to be seen as 'siblings'/'friends' are probably more. That's just me just picking on things. Let's continue with what the show is showing in episode 10 through this fairy tale.

Futile Escapes and Cunning Mindsets 

In episode 7-10, Tan has to had to escape a situation he was set up in just like with Hansel in the fairy tale trying to protect Gretel. Can I first mention how similar the roles of Hansel and Tan are in the protection role. They have to be one step ahead, to protect the person with them, like Tan has to use the information he knows to protect Bun and escape Por. So like Hansel, Tan has to escape his situation three times before see him fail entirely in episode 10's ending. The first time he gets set up is jail where he is beaten and has to use his strength and will to stay safe until he's bailed out, the second time he escapes is his own house with Bun because Por wants to get rid of him, and the third time he's in danger is at the cottage house (he ran to, to think ahead, also the house Bun calls a trap/candy house this episode) where he again has to escape by hurting Bun and getting eliminated at the end of the episode.

By the end of episode 10, like Hansel also captured in the iron prison with no way of escape, Tan also ends up having no way to escape and is shot and pushed of a cliff on the run. He basically has a reached a point where all his energy and hard work to protect has been for nothing. Like Hansel realising the witch losing her impatience meant he and Gretel were both doomed, he couldn't protect her anymore. Just like Tan with Bun realised, he couldn't save Bun anymore; he couldn't save him self anymore, they were truly imprisoned by a powerful source. Obviously this is what the show is saying on the surface, that Tan and Bun like Hansel and Gretel became victims with no way out. And it's depressing if you let your self follow the storyline, it makes it even more scary and sad when you see both Bun and Tan get shot by people they trust like Inspector M. So Hansel and Tan both find themselves in a place where they can't use anything else anymore to escape and run away from their troubles, they're screwed by the end of the story at first. And things look dark for a while until Gretel shows up. This is why I think Bun like Gretel also has used his own mindset to think of way out, and be one step ahead. But before I explain about that, let' talk about our suspects, our powerful sources and our witch.

Candy Houses and Powerful Sources

These three previous episodes of MOD have been a ride. We unveiled that the Police Commander and Mayor are dangerous and will do whatever happens to ensure their secrets aren't unveiled. Like being happy to frame Tan for something, he didn't do. I just want to keep repeating however that they are not the suspect we are looking for, they're the red herrings, they're baddies but actually not that threatening. They don't like to take a life, apart from maybe Pat but they don't normally use that as a way of power, they're cowards, they do kidnaps, shipping people of, framing etc. but to actually use their hands to take a life is not on their agenda. That's why they're not the suspects of Jane's MoD, or Pued's either. I think they're being shown now because they're meant to represent one of the links to the witch in Hansel and Gretel, Power. But they're not the actual witch.

Let me explain more, you can see they don't get their own hands dirty, they have puppets to do so for them, for example, Tan to get rid of Bun, Inspector M to get rid of Tan, they're not the ones who used their own hands to take Jane's life, they either had a puppet do it (Pued), or they didn't know she was going to be eliminated yet. My theory is yeah, they had Pued do it, but they also had Rungtingwa who they underestimated. So I don't want to spend all the time talking about these two like I said we find out how wealthy and powerful the witch was in the tale and how her demise led to Hansel and the family living happily and successfully. Getting rid of the mayor and police commander will do a lot of good for the people at the end of episode 10, it'd promote Inspector M (if he is on the good side like I'm suspecting), it'd also give freedom to Tan and Bun and raise their reputation in a good way. Those powerful forces won't be able to hold them captive anymore. But LR you say, isn't Tan and Bun gone? Didn't Inspector M go bad and shoot Tan? Yeh, that's what the show is showing on the surface, but as I'm slowly getting to, the plot is shadowed by Hansel and Gretel, tricksters, cunning mindsets, one step ahead, it's foreshadowing; a ploy and M is part of that.  But I'm getting ahead of my self, let's focus on Rungtingwa and her witchy ways.

So in episode 9, Rung starts showing up again. In fact, she's our prominent supporter, she helps bail Tan out of jail, and she believes in him like a brother wholeheartedly, she calls Por out on his behaviour and callousness, and she also shakes her head at the police for their slowness with her sister's case. She's so elegant and pretty and smart and protective. She is the family member Tan needs in his life; she cares about them so much. In episode 10, she's even more of a saint-like at first. Because you got to start soon realising things aren't adding up a bit with her. One she's trusted by the police that they send her girls who are in need of money, home, safety to stay at her spa because they were going to be arrested to investigate their illegal whereabouts, this well off company that protects and keeps them taken care of.

Only all of a sudden for those same women to be transported to the mayor and the police commander to be abused and drugged repeatedly. Getting it? Rung's candy house is her spa. Like with Hansel and Gretel, the witch doesn't first show up as a witch to them, no she lures them in with the idea of one protection (they didn't have anywhere else to go), provision (they were starving and her house was made of cakes, bread etc.) and prevention (of them being alone, of their lives etc.), Rungtiwa shows up and does just the same thing. She offers protection by helping Tan leave the jail, and calling him her brother, a family member that he craves for because of his own dysfunctional relationship with Por.  She offers him provision of information, she offers not just them but the women and the police a space for the women who think they're safe with her in her spa, food, and anything they want. And she offers them prevention because these women weren't meant to be running away or being shipped, don't remember properly what the mayor said, but this was meant to be a safe spot for them, they were wowed by her spa, they felt comfortable and at peace. Like Hansel and Gretel were the first time they entered the candy house.

But looks are deceiving which is Rung's link to the tale. The witch sheds her skin and transforms into someone who's not only blood thirsty, (Rung is our suspect and has probably gotten rid of two people her sister and her ex-lover) and someone who only lures people in for her benefit, for her greed, power, satisfaction, strength. Remember Rung like Pued is doing all of this for power and reputation, and she's hiding the truth so she can be saved and protected by society because she's innocent. And the thing she's cold-hearted, she doesn't care about anyone in episode 9 she stands up for Tan and believes he's not the suspect (well because she knows he's not she is), but then she switches in episode 10, she blames him for taking the life of Pued in front of M and she says it in an anxious and shocking way that the brothers were this awful to each other when she said previously she knows Tan didn't do it. It's how she covers her self, how she hides who she is, as the witch to lure the kids. Hansel and Gretel weren't the first kids taken by this witch, that's what the bone was remnants of another kid eaten and destroyed by her. Rung is like that she leaves trails of people being discarded wherever she goes, she plots, and she plans her own way out. And if Pued wants to talk, then she has to get rid of him. This is why I know she knows who helped her take her sister's life. Sigh. But again I commend her villainy. She's cruel, but it's very very wanted in a villain, she isn't weak, and she doesn't let people get in her way. That's w a villain hatis meant to be. Right now she's winning because no one has suspected it's her, but I think she forgot one thing like the witch; Gretel, but also she was blindsided. Let me explain

Shocking Additions and Sneaky Weaknesses

Rung didn't expect Inspector M to be one of her weak spots. In episode 10, Inspector M discovered some of the truth and started to notice that he was in a corrupted system. Right now, Commander is thinking Inspector M is on his side and has given into corruption because of fear and power however no matter how dumb he is, Inspector M has always been for justice that's his flaw and character, like Bun he's been trying to do the right thing. Now he's slowly piecing together that some people are not to be trusted in this scenario; for example, Rung's spa because she's aiding the commander in hiding those girls. She underestimated him, and that's going to be her downfall.

Also, the commander and mayor are ruined because they've let in someone also in a mask, Inspector M is working with Tan and Bun to hide their plans. So like Hansel, Tan has found a way to think one step ahead. Like Gretel Bun has let himself be the one that is sacrificed as a guise actually to sacrifice the witch, to lure all of them out in their pride and triumph, to expose them. Tan pretended to get rid of Bun this episode 10, to make everyone involved calm and weak and unsuspecting and that's important, that's how Gretel tricks the witch, however, the witch's blindsight is pointing to Rung and the others not knowing Inspector M is involved and is determined to help solve the crime and find the suspect. So Tan, Bun, M have all joined together to find a way to expose the powerful sources and get rid of their captors also to save the other people especially Nam and That. So everyone who is still in shock by episode 10, know this, Hansel and Gretel is about being one step ahead, Tan and Bun are one step ahead of the chase, the only way to win and overcome their captors was to surrender or pretend to surrender (like Gretel and Hansel did) and next week all of them will start to crumble one by one. But if you're still worried about how the show will end, then focus on the ending of Hansel and Gretel

Triumphant Victors and Enhanced Reputations

So let's review the ending to make you all calm down. 

One Hansel and Gretel come out alive, they get rid of the witch. Everyone is safe. That's important to know Tan and Bun, That hopefully as well (not sure about him though) are safe, they're going to be okay. 

Two they get rid of the witch, Inspector M will get his answer and find the culprits. 

Three, they reunite with people, especially family and are seen in a different way, apologised to and taken care of. Tan and Por will reunite, and the truth of Pued will come out, making Por realise the error of his ways. Tan will reunite with his family and get the love he wanted and craved. 

Four they end up all successful, happy and wealthy. I think this one is pretty obvious getting rid of the powerful sources of the town opens up places for change and for more people to be put in authority. Bun's words will be taken seriously and respected. Tan gets a job he's happy with, and M will probably be promoted. In a way, M is also like the father figure that needs to apologise and say he's sorry because he's also been like Por neglectful and troublesome, an obstacle and so he also needs to agree he's wrong and reunite his friendship with Bun. 

So Hansel ends up actually surviving after being helped by others to get to his destination and reunite with his family again. Tan will finally have that happy life he wanted, and he no longer has to be a puppet for others and do things without his will. He also has love differently, he also has Bun, and the two husbands can go back and be domestic and happy solving other issues and crimes whilst mourning Jane and maybe others and letting her go peacefully.

So you see why I love fairy tale meta? It helps you uncover the truth, leads you to knowing why they add some dialogues or hints in the show. It also reveals the facades of people who are not what they seem. Rung is getting away with everything she does, and we the audience picked up on it in the surface, we also probably understood it was a staged event that Tan shot Bun but it's nice to have something else that shows you the show is clever and one step ahead. When I first heard Hansel and Gretel, I panicked because I was like what do you mean Hansel and Gretel like that's sibling bond, I don't know what similarities they could possibly have with the show like Little mermaid made so much sense because I could tell Tan would be forced to get rid of Bun, and that's a theme in the fairytale. Still, Hansel and Gretel, I couldn't put my mind to it. And yet here we are, the show is brilliant, there is meta, there is foreshadowing not just with on the surface clues but also with subtext, there's a reason why the plots in episode 10 went the way they did, there's a reason why we ended up hearing about certain things, and I think that's a good sign of a good show, more in-depth and thoughtful. So I can't wait to see the reveal that our husbands are okay and they are going to win this battle however we still have four episodes so maybe let's not yet get comfortable. I still hold on to my theory. Pued is one of the suspects of Jane, and Rung helped him, but she also is the one who got rid of him. If not, maybe someone else Oat? Haha, but no seriously I would really love another plot twist. But I also like the show having layers and being so thrilling every episode, always making us want more. Well done to the cast and crew for a good BL, unique, smart, and one step ahead. I enjoy it. Thank you.

[readingwrm]

In the Field of Reeds - Marc Spector

word count: 1.8k  SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS THIS IS JUST A RAN FIC ABOUT THE EPISODE IM NOT SORRY :( FUCK  Summary: I am so hurt by the last episode of moon knight im genuinely impacted in such a fucking fundamental way. SO Marc gets to the field of reeds but at what cost and with how much trauma brought up? 

Idea: marc reaches the field of reeds but the trauma isn’t as healed as he thought.

Around him the horizon was glowing with orange hues of too bright sun. It had been hours, he thought, but truly he had no idea. When the sun was ever still and stuck in place, how were you meant to know? It’s not like he brought his phone to the afterlife and even if he had, the stupid thing would have been thrown against the ground and smashed by now. The field around him spanned for miles, he knew because he had already ran in every direction screaming until he coughed up blood and spit. Even the trees in the distance had seemed to shrink away the closer he got to where they had been before. Dry reeds and blades of old grass were scratching his arms through his thin shirt, but it was comforting. He wished that he had a knife. He wanted to stab the stupid hippo that brought them here, then harrow for his mind games, and then himself. God he wanted to die. But he was dead now, wasn’t he? How much better could living really be if even in death he was going crazy. He had always been crazy. Where was Steven? Somewhere in the sand? Wondering why no one came back for him? Why he was left in the sand like some toy, used and abused then thrown out when he was no longer needed. Because that’s how he had treated him wasn’t it? Like some emotional shield to hide from life. Like some coward too scared to just face what he truly deserved.

It was his fault wasn’t it? His brother, Layla’s dad, the hundreds of other he’s been convinced deserved the brutal ways he’d killed them, … Steven. Even his mum. He’s ruined his mother’s life, killed her son, made her into a monster, torn her marriage apart, then ran away because she reacted as anyone should. She was mad and she had the right. Didn’t she? She was meant to scream at him. She was meant to beat him until he begged for death, crawling across the floor, half stripped of his clothes that had either been torn by his own desperately clawing hands as he tried to escape or discarded by his mother before she began. He was meant to beg and beg as he mustered every ounce of strength in his child body to shift even just a centimeter and prevent the blows from landing in the same place over and over.

Why did it have to be a belt?

His hand searched across his skin and found each scar. A thick line of jagged purple ran from his shoulder blade to his waist and ached when he dug his fingers into the uneven surface. Even now, he felt the way the thick leather broke through his skin, the way the blood had poured onto the floor like it was as heavy as lead. The way his head had dropped to the ground and arms had given out from the pain that bloomed like fire through his body. The scream that ripped through his throat in the same way the belt had his skin. It had sounded distant, even now as it was ringing through the deadly still field it seemed miles away. He hadn’t realised he’d been screaming.

There were strings of blood and snot bleeding down his face and mixing with the violent sobs that shook his body. Why did he kill Steven? That’s what his mother would have said. You killed him. You kill everyone around you, Marc. Do you know how much misery you cause or is it just so natural that you don’t even have to think? Now you’re crying? You’re such a fucking over dramatic princess. Aren’t you meant to be my son? Or did you drown him too? All you do is drown people, you suffocate them. You’re like a parasite. You are the reason nobody ever stays long enough. You are too fucked up, too fucking dangerous to risk caring for. Look what happened to Steven when he cared? Hm, Marc? Did you want that?

His skin was burning in harsh lines as if he was being beaten as he screamed into the nothing. The sun was still bright but it seemed to mock him now. The rays of gold laughed as they hit his skin and snickered at how unworthy he was. He could feel hands on him, like hot coals being dropped from the sky, but there was no one around. He was being pulled in thousands of directions all at once. Angels who wanted to know what went so wrong in humanity that it produces somebody like him, demons who wanted to how he had become so adaptive and brilliant at torturing innocent souls, even god himself who wished to punish him personally. It was Steven who deserved to be here. It was Steven that could tell him how to escape and get back to the living. It was always Steven, wasn’t it? He couldn’t feel his body anymore and he felt like he was shrinking and growing at the same time. Like his body was torn between the past and what could have been if he lived the life Steven was meant to have. His vision was shaking but he could barely see anyway. He was so cold. His bones felt like they were freezing over and turning to brittle ice shards waiting to pierce through his skin. He wished they would. He wanted to know the pain again, see the blood pour out of him and know that it was nearly over. 

Fuck, he kept forgetting he was really dead. His nails dug into his cheeks and he held his face like it would stop him from falling apart. He was squeezing tight enough to feel his bones shift under his palms and the insides of his cheeks ache as they pressed against his teeth. They left softly bleeding crescent moons on his blotchy cheek bones when he pulled them away and slammed them into the ground. He pounded and pounded, bones crunching under the pressure of his entire body beating the ground. He knew why his mother enjoyed it so much now. It was like his soul was tearing away from his body and slamming with his punches into the breaking dry dirt. It was cracking, shifting, and jumping every time he threw another hit. His knuckles were turning black and splitting open but there was no pain. Of course there was no pain. He was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

He was dead and he killed his brother and steven and layla by now who was either drowning in the small pool of water his body had landed in or crumpled on the floor only meters away shot one hundred times. Of course he killed her as well. He let out a bitter laugh for the winds to carry away. “FUCK,” he screamed through the gritty inhaled dirt lining his throat. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,” he cried over and over, turning the punches to his legs and then clawing at his arms. His nails were caked in mud made from his blood and tears and leaving lined of dirt behind everytime he scratched to peel his skin off. His body felt so wrong. Because it wasn’t really his was it? It was a life he fucked up, it was all his fault.

He could see his mother’s face as she said it. She was sat shivering and torn apart at her son’s funeral. He could see the tissue covered in running mascara shaking in her hand as she stared at him across the room. The air had gone still and then violently too hot too quick as she raised a finger at him. Her hands shook as her voice did before she screamed, “This is all your fault,” at him. He was nine, nine.. not double digits or capable of critical thought. He would never have drowned his brother if he was… or maybe he wanted to.

Maybe there was some fucked up part of his brain that knew it was a bad idea to run giggling into the narrow caves as the storms picked up. Maybe some sick part of him knew it would fill up with water before they could escape, and maybe some part of him wanted to watch his brother as he gasped but only managed to gulp in more water. His fists landed in his legs and dirt harder and harder, punches bringing themselves down from over his head like a toddler throwing a tantrum. He had wanted to see his brother’s petrified eyes and blue face, hadn’t he? He wanted to see the way his limbs had gone limp, the way his body had given out in his grasp as he desperately fought to make it out alive. So selfish, selfish, selfish.

Steven had died the same way. Mid scream, mid trying to run back to Marc, mid way through his life. “FUCK.” Steven had made it only two steps before he was sucked down into the sand, knees hitting and jolting his body as Marc had watched on only yelling for help. Who would help him?

Why hadn’t Steven just let him be dragged away? He could see the smile Steven would have had with the knowledge he was rid of Marc forever. He knew the way Steven’s eyes would have lit up the moment they…. he… landed in the field of reeds. He knew he would still be searching around now, acting as if every blade of grass was a holy object to be treasured and worshiped. What had he done? Beaten the ground like it owed him anything? Treated the life they’d had like a stupid chore? He was too fucking tired for this.

“All my fault, all my fault,” he muttered when he eventually collapsed in on himself and curled on the destroyed ground. His voice was hoarse, rough, and gravelly. He was barely audible above the sound of his body shaking and winds sweeping over the hellscape around him. He was worthless. He had no weapons, no plan, no way to fight his way out of it. He had no normalcy anymore… not without Steven, not without his life, not without his wife or stupid fish that kept dying or … he had nothing anymore. He was nothing anymore. He was dead, and that was all he ever would be. Forever, he would be stuck on the ground.

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Remember Me ~ Worick Arcangelo x Reader

Disclaimer: This is going to have mentions of past abuse and supposedly illegal behaviour, but considering it’s Gangsta we’re talking about, I don’t think anyone should be surprised by darker themes addresses.

Birthdays...Have always been tedious. A drag. More work than they are worth...So, I wonder...Why do I actually bother doing a party at my home?

I mean, it’s true, I get it, I’m 21, I’m of age...Legally an adult, legally allowed to drink, legally everything whatever...The same as it has been for the past 3 years...

And MAYBE it’s fun to sometimes gather around with your friends and do the same things everyone always does at parties, loud music, alcohol, cigarettes and gossips...

But there is always that annoying anxiety feeling surging through my veins whenever I have to be around more than 3 of my friends, considering this is a party organised by me, and everything has to be done perfectly, everyone must feel good, and at home, not to be left out...

I can already envision myself being the only outcast, anyway, but that’s besides the point.

It’s already evening, the alcohol is sitting on the table, the pizza boxes are stacked up in a mountain on the floor, plastic cups everywhere, ash trays placed strategically, dim lights, coloured light projectors to make the room look like a disco...

And then there’s me. Sitting anxiously on the couch in the living room, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a long plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, along with some silver rings and a necklace. Casual, comfy, yet pretty elegant in its simplicity.

My friends arrived soon, very loudly congratulating me on aging one more year, fantastic...But they had a mischievous smirk on their faces...

And they brought in a tall, blond man who looked very macho, and I could only blink in confusion as everyone walked inside.

“Uhm...Who is he? One of yours boyfriend or something?” I asked, eyeing everyone attentively. “Nooo, silly! He’s our gift for you!” my best friend grabbed the man by his arm, shoving him towards me. “I’m...Not sure I follow.” I spoke with even more unease, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. “He’s Ergastulum’s most wanted Gigolo! And tonight, he’s all yours to do with as you please! C’mon, you deserve to let loose and have fun once in a while, y’know? Forget about all those jerks and enjoy pleasure like you’ve never felt before~!” my other best friend grabbed me by my shoulders from behind, putting her chin on top of one of her hands, slurring seductively. “...I see.” I muttered, looking away, trying to mask my displeasure at what I was hearing. “Anyway, let’s get you drunk! You won’t get to enjoy anything if you’re so cold and reserved with everyone, y’know? Maybe that’s why you’re always alone! Now c’mon, let’s have fun!” she dragged me to the drinks table, and we started playing drinking games like never have I ever...

Gotta say, Vodka and Bailey’s has always been a shot combination that I adore, and I’m grateful that it takes a long time to get me drunk, because these girls are wasted, while I’m not, so I can escape their grasp. Drunk dancing isn’t that fun, even to watch, and they were making fools of themselves, screeching, giggling...More or less sounding like pained donkeys.

Or maybe I’m just too judgemental and mean because I’ve been in a bad mood and spiraling since they got in my home. To be fair, I don’t even care what is the truth. These are my feelings and I’m not going to play them off as insignificant or non-existent.

Eyeing them carefully, I take a pack of cigarettes and make my way out of the house and sit on the stairs, taking a deep breath of the cold winter night air, I light up a cigarette, taking a drag and staring up at the sky, letting my endless train of toxic thoughts overwhelm me.

I was so long in my own mind that I didn’t notice the door opening until a shadow blocked my vision, and I noticed the platinum blond man sitting down on the stairs below me, resting his back on the wall on the side.

“Y’know...I haven’t been to many birthday parties before, but I’m pretty sure the birthday girl is supposed to be pampered and the center of attention, and yet, here you are, outside, alone and sad.” the man spoke seriously, with his usual light glint. “How much did they pay you?” I muttered, lighting another cigarette, realising that the other one burn without taking another drag of it. “Hmmm? What do you mean?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “I’m tipsy, not stupid. You think I can’t think rationally after 8 shots? You’re dead wrong. Now, tell me, how much did they pay you and what exactly did they tell you to do?” I asked in a pressed tone, side-eyeing him. “You’re certainly perceptive, I give you that. T’was quite a lot of money to spend the night with you.” he tilted his head in a playful way. “Not only they have no faith in me to get someone to even remotely like me...They have to pay someone to do something that I dread with a burning passion. Do you even know my name? I don’t know yours.” I shrugged, hanging my head, gritting my teeth in annoyance. “I see your friends screwed up a bit. Name’s Worick, nice to meet you.” he extended his hand towards me. “...Y/N. Nice to meet you too...I think.” I sighed, staring reluctantly at his hand, before slowly shaking it. “Pretty name for a pretty girl. Wanna talk to a guy you’ll never see again? I heard that venting and letting out pent up emotions helps.” he offered, making me look at him with a weird face. “You know you’re not gonna get any action, so you try to do something for the money you earned, huh?” I snorted, raking my fingers through my hair. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. Contrary to my profession, I’m a pretty chill guy. What do you have to lose, talking to someone you’ll never see again? And besides, I have little room to judge you, so if that’s your worry, you can throw it away.” he lit up a cigarette, puffing up into the sky. “You’re...Not wrong here. Okay, fine, Pretty Boy. Imagine this. You’re not even of age, you get your first lover and you’re happy. You finally feel superior. Someone gives a fuck about you...That’s the definition of a lover, after all, I guess...But here’s the deal. Barely one month into the relationship, the person starts getting very pushy and pressures you, without you realising. Words and actions. It goes to the point that they force you to do things that you don’t want to and you’re not ready to, mentally or physically...And you can’t do anything except for denying, since they don’t listen and they overpower you. How is that, so far?” I spoke, taking a few breaks in between sentences to keep myself grounded and lucid. “Very suckish. Does any of your friends know that?” Worick asked in a gentle voice. “They do...My two best friends do. The ones who apparently paid you. I don’t know what’s in those tiny brains of theirs, but I don’t think a one night stand is going to somehow magically get me rid of all problems, traumas, self-issues and nightmares I’ve been having for the last years. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know, and at this point, I can’t stay that I care.” I shrugged, leaning back on the stairs. “Maybe you have the wrongs friends. I heard words about you that I don’t think friends should speak like that about their so called best friend who trusted them enough with their bad experiences.” he pointed out nonchalantly, as I shifted my gaze towards him with a frown. “After today...I...Think the same. I...Just...Wasn’t expecting something like this. What more can I say. I am disappointed. And if that wasn’t enough, my second boyfriend, who was a virgin, saw my own virginity as a prize. And the third pity-dated me. Can it get any worse? Because, if yes, I honestly give up.” I sighed, ruffling my hair, obviously done with life. “Life sure sucks, huh? And most people don’t make it any better. All we can do is get stronger, carry on, and fight our nightmares.” he nodded in agreement, clearly sympathetic. “...I see you’re speaking from experience. I wonder what happened to your eye...It may sound insensitive, but after what I just told you, I don’t think there’s any more need for caution.” I smirked at him with a dark sort of self-deprecation that I could also sense in him. “Well, y’know...Sometimes parents aren’t the safe haven they ought to be.” he shrugged, extinguishing the finished cigarette on the stairs. “I see. Yeah, life sucks. I guess I can see why you become a Gigolo. An attractive guy selling his body for money...By what they said, you are the most popular. I can see why. I feel sorry for you.” I gave him a sympathetic smile that disappeared as fast as it came. “You have a pretty smile, y’know? I always thought that people who can smile despite all they’ve been through are the strongest.” he commented, smiling back. “Is that why you appear to be so cheerful? You’re strong, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too? Wish I was the same. Maybe people won’t find me such an easy target to take advantage of.” I snorted sarcastically, making him chuckle. “It’s a pity people are shit to the few remaining ones who don’t give in to society’s awfulness. But what is a sweet girl like you doing in a shithole like Ergastulum? Doesn’t quite add up.” he asked, getting in a better sitting position. “Life happened. Dad left us, and mum is abroad working to get me enough money to go to university by the end of this year. This place, despite how scary and dangerous it is, was the cheapest place I could afford.” I bit my lip, trying not to worry too much about the future. “I’m sure you’re gonna nail it, so don’t worry too much. You seem like a smart girl, so just study hard and don’t forget to enjoy life. By your standards, not others’.” he smirked, tilting his head towards the door. “You’re funny, Worick. I wish we met under different circumstances.” my voice became lower, only to get interrupted by the door slamming open and the girls leaving the place. “Well, look at you two, lovebirds! You look so cuuuuuuuute! Hey, Gigolo, better take good care of her, got it?! The night is still young for you two! Awesome birthday party, as usual, Y/N, see ya next time!” the girls left, making me blush from embarassment, looking away. “You’ve got very sensible friends.” he muttered ironically, shaking his head. “I’ll...Go tidy the apartment. Maybe I’ll be able to focus on something else. Come one, I’ll warm up some pizza.” I shrugged, getting inside the house. “I didn’t think you’d want me around in your home.” Worick pointed out, leaning on a wall. “You got paid to spend the night with me, correct? Then you’ll do what you got paid for. Keeping me company. You have no idea how refreshing it is talking to someone with some fucking brain in their head.” I plopped down on the couch, putting my feet on the table, turning on the TV to a rock music program and patting the seat next to me for him to join. “It’s an honour to spend time with you.” he chuckled, taking a slice of pizza, leaning back on the couch and mimicking my position.

For the rest of the night, he was gracious enough to help me tidy up and clean everything, and when we were finally done, I went to change in my nightgown, taking a book and getting in bed, only to see the man leaning on the frame of the door awkwardly.

“Ah, yes, how could I forget. Let me find some larger clothes for you to change into.” I put the book down, going to the wardrobe and finding some oversized clothes in which I sometimes sleep. “Are these yours?” he chuckled in amusement. “Yep.Gotta be comfy when you sleep, right?” I shrugged, getting back in bed. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s why I sleep naked.” his grin grew wider, making me frown in confusion. “Sleeping naked is comfy for you?” I put the book on my lap, looking at him for an answer. “Did you try?” he asked smugly. “Yeah. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and anxious the for hours and couldn’t sleep. At 4 AM I couldn’t stand it any longer and I put a nightgown on.” I scratched my cheek, looking away. “That’s adorable. What were you reading?” he asked, getting closer to me. “Get changed and you can come over. I’m not letting you sleep on the couch. You got paid, you deserve better.” I waved my hand at him dismissively, only for him to leave the room, get changed, take the book from my hand, flip through all the pages, and return it. “Ah, Picture of Dorian Gray. I’ve been wanting to read it for a while, thanks for the opportunity, I have to say, I rather appreciate his monologues.” he gave me a shit-eating grin, plopping in bed next to me. “I...You...Huh?! You can’t tell me you just read THIS book, right now, for the first time in your life, by just flipping rapidly through the pages!” my expression was that of pure shock and disbelief, which clearly amused him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, sweet cheeks.” he smirked, laying his head down on the pillow. “You...You have an extraordinary visual memory?!” I asked in a voice that I wasn’t sure was heard. “You’ve got that right, darling.” he chuckled with a satisfied smile. “...WHY THE HELL ARE YOU A PROSTITUTE?! YOU ARE A GENIUS! YOU COULD DO SO MUCH MORE WITH YOUR LIFE! EARN AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF MONEY! DO YOU HAVE NO AMBITION AND SAFE-LOVE?!” I grab him by the shoulders, shaking him, until he stopped me. “Calm doooown, Y/N, calm down. Thanks for looking out for me, but life is life. Don’t worry about me. I’ve got all I need here. You, however, have the whole life ahead of you, so don’t waste it like I did.” he advised in a soft voice, making me look at him for a few seconds, before sighing, getting up, and picking another book. “We won’t be seeing each other again, will we? Well, if that’s the case, take this. It’s a thanks for being nice to me today...But promise me you will take your time reading it, unlike now. Rest, relax, drink a hot cup of tea, and read each page carefully. Enjoy it, live it, feel it. Can you promise me that?” I asked, handing him the book. “The Hobbit, huh? Pretty cover, intriguing summary on the back...Fine, Y/N. I can’t 100% promise you, but I will try. Are you really willing to part with this one? It seems special for you.” he asked, more serious this time. “...Maybe sometimes the stupid ideas that your heart gives you are better than the rational ones from your brain. Now go sleep, I want to read.” I looked away from him, opening my book and pretending to read, away from him.

Five minutes passed, then ten, and fifteen, all of them in a deadly silence, almost awkward, until a chuckle split the atmosphere, making me turn around, looking at the man with a confused look.

“Usually, when people read, they turn the page after five minutes. What’s on your mind?” he asked, taking a strand of my hair and loosely twirling it with his finger. “..Well...You’re a stranger. And...We’ve only talked for a few hours. I know it makes no sense to ask this of you, but...I won’t be seeing you tomorrow anyway, so...Uhm...Do you think...I'm...Cold and mean...And unapproachable?” I mutter, looking away from him. “Not at all. I find you very endearing. The quiet ones are always the ones who have the best surprises once you get to know them. People deal with problems differently, it just takes the right person to want to understand you.” he kissed the strand of hair, making me bite my lip and turn off the lap light so my possibly pink cheeks won’t be noticeable. “Great. Thanks for the info. Now...How about you earn the money you got paid? You can do that by holding me and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.” I try to keep my voice from wavering. “You don’t have to put that pretext as a front, I would do that even if I wasn’t paid.” he chuckled lightly, holding me close to his chest, his fingers masterfully soothing my senses as he caressed by hair. “...Thanks.” I muttered, hiding my flustered face in his chest. “I have insomnia and general sleeping problems, including sleep paralysis and nightmares...And the only thing that used to be able to put me to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night would be mum holding me and playing with my hair until I fell asleep.” I confessed, my voice becoming softer and more emotional. “Thank you for trusting me with this precious memory, Y/N. It’s going to be okay. Now close your eyes...Sweet dreams, Y/N.” his peaceful, velvety voice was the last thing I heard before falling into a restful and calm sleep, for the first time in ages.

When morning came and I woke up, the bed was empty on the side that Worick was and I almost feared I imagined the whole thing...Until I noticed a piece of paper on the pillow where he slept.

“You’re a beautiful person, don’t let the darkness take over you. I hope to hear from you again, in the future, under better circumstances. ~ Worick”

To that, a phone number was written, and the first thing that came into my mind was to get that it tattooed on my body so I won’t lose it.  Of course, that will never happen, so I’ll settle for writing it everywhere I can.

For some reason, I wanted to make him proud, and I still had no idea why, so I only called him once a year, on my birthday, and on that day, we would chat on the phone all night, in memory of that night.  Finally leaving Ergastulum to go to University and get a better life for myself was something revolutionary for me, but after over 6 years, I managed to do just that. However, there was something that never left my brain, and that was the platinum haired man that completely changed the way I viewed life and how to approach it.

And I returned to Ergastulum after almost a decade.

I was dressed in a cute dress, and this time, unlike last time, a confident smile was on my face. Even though it’s fake, I adopted the “Fake it till you make it” motto, and nobody has to know about my problems.

I vibe.

Asking around for Worick, I find out he works as the Benriya with another man called Nicolas, who’s a tag, and even better, I got his address, so I knew just where to go.

As I entered the shabby apartment that was, for some reason, unlocked, I see a meek looking woman sitting on the couch, looking down.

“Did Worick get a girlfriend?” I leaned on the wall, a playful smirk on my face. “Wh-What?! G-Girlfriend?! W-Wait, who are you?!” she shot up to her feet, looking at me with big, blue doe eyes, frightened, might I say. “You’re adorable. What’s your name? And can I ask where Worick is? I’ve been told this is where he lives.” I played with a strand of my hair, trying not to intimidate the girl...Too much. “U-Uhm...He...He’s in his room...Who are you, miss?” she asked, trying to get some courage. “A friend, I’d like to think. From about ten years ago. Now, if you’ll excuse me...” I was ready to go look for him, only for a door to open, and the man in cause to appear, wearing only black boxers, and stretching...He obviously just woke up. “Ally? What’s all the noise?” he yawned loudly, rubbing his eyes. “Do you have a cute nickname for me too, Worick?” I smirked at him, as he widened his single eye, his jaw dropping in shock. “Y/N...?” he muttered my name, making me grin widely. “Glad you remember me. It has been quite a while since we’ve seen each other...And you age like fine wine, I’m telling you...You’re a sight for sore eyes.” he chuckled softly, only for him to come and pick me up, spinning a bit, before putting me down, cupping my face and kissing my forehead, leaving me a surprised and flustered mess. “And look at you! Can you get prettier than this? I told ya, you have a beautiful smile!” he grinned childishly, pinching my cheeks, making me yelp in pain and slap his hands away. “Jerk! That hurts! Ahem...Anyway, dear Gigolo, how are you? I heard some stuff about you working with someone named Nicolas...But I doubt her name is Nicolas.” I chuckled, pushing him softly away. “Oh, yes! Y/N, this is Alex, our new friend. You can say she’s kinda...Our secretary? I guess? Anyway, come over, we have a lot to catch up on!” he guided me to his bedroom that was, unsurprisingly, messy. “Wonderful and clean, just as expected. Have you ever thought of opening the window?” I teased him, plopping on his bed that was unexpectedly soft. “You, lazy little vixen...Here. I bought it years ago, after finishing the book you gave me, and I wanted to find out more. Now, I’m giving it to you. Are we even?” he smirked, handing me a copy of Fellowship of the Ring book. “We’d be even if I’d spend the night over as well. And if you gave me drinks and pizza. Basically a date. That will do.” I told him, looking dearly at the book I got gifted, although I already read it before. “My God, since when are you so bold?” he asked, getting on the bed, resting his chin on my knees, looking at me like a happy puppy. “Did you miss me, Worick? I hope you did, otherwise that little piece of paper you left would be incredibly disappointing and misleading.” I pointed out, booping his nose. “I’ve been thinking about you since then. By the looks of it, so did you. Are you sure you want a date with someone like me? You are beautiful, you are brilliant, your attitude in endearing as hell...And I’m still a Gigolo and my life is here, in Ergastulum. Don’t regret it later on.” he asked with a more serious tone, only for me to scoff and pull on his hair playfully. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Besides...Unlike you, I don’t need to be paid to spend quality time with you, doing nothing but chilling and chatting.” I teased him, making him laugh, as he plopped next to me, poking my cheek. “Great, problem solved! You’ve got yourself a parasite latching on you. Good luck getting rid of him now.” he grinned cheekily, only for me to cup his face and pull him into a kiss. “Why would I wanna get rid of a parasite this cute? Now shut up and hold me, it’s been ten years and I’m touch starved.” I grinned, nuzzling in the crook of his neck. “Damn, how I missed you.” he held me tightly to his chest, occasionally peppering my face with kisses.

It was definitely worth coming back to this God Forsaken place, even if it is for only one person. There’s place for everyone in this world, and in others’ hearts, and I found my place, in Worick’s warm arms, where I feel safest and most loved.

[ourloveisforthelovely]

In Love and Death Part 11

Harry Potter AU 

Link to Part 10 

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: M

____

“YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING?”

Tonks shrieked as you brushed your hair. Turning around, you quickly hushed her. It had been a week since you agreed to go see the healer. Today was the day of your appointment and you were a bundle of nerves. How you hadn’t broken down and told Tonks yet was still a mystery. You had agreed with Regulus to keep things hidden until “something” happened and it was killing you to not tell Tonks. The two of you shared everything. Now here you were almost ready to spill the beans at any moment. Regulus, on the other hand, was calm and reserved as he typically was.

“Yes, and I need you to keep your mouth closed. Regulus didn’t want me to say anything.”

Tonks looked offended.

“Where is the prince charming?”

“Still on a mission with his brother. I am beginning to get worried. He knows that my appointment is today...or at least he is supposed to. I need to leave in like five minutes and of course he isn’t here.”

Tonks glanced down at her watch. She was trying to see Regulus’ point of view in keeping things quiet. The reasonable side understood. He didn’t want to start more turmoil than necessary. The “best friend” side, however, was screaming RUDE!

“I can go with you if you would like. I know that I am not Regulus but I don’t want you really sitting in that clinic alone.”

You shook your head.

“Thanks but I would rather go alone if Regulus doesn’t turn up. It is going to be awkward enough.”

Tonks finally relented.

“True. I have to know what happens. I won’t tell Regulus that I know.”

You smiled as she held out her pinky for a pinky promise.

“Fine. I’ll let you know.”

Half an hour later, you sat in the healer’s exam room on your own. As much as you wanted to be annoyed with Regulus, you couldn’t be. This was part of how things would be with missions and you of all people knew that.

A knock on the door pulled you from your thoughts as a tired-looking old woman stepped in. She looked down at the filed folder in her hands.

“Ms. Rosier, correct?”

You nodded as she sat down and continued to read over the report in her hands.

“So, you are unable to get pregnant and are trying to?”

“True.”

You commented. Deep down you wanted to congratulate her on knowing how to read but your common sense reminded you that this old witch was here to help you.

“It looks like your problems are due to childhood trauma and abuse. Here drink this potion every morning for the next week and a half. It tastes like goblin piss but will work. I have fixed women with a lot of worse issues than what I am seeing with you. Drink your potion then have your husband work his magic.”

You almost snorted at that comment. Damn, you wished Regulus was here to hear that. You could see him blushing over that comment. The prudish side of him would be coming out in full force.

“He will love to hear that.”

You replied as you shoved the potion in your handbag. The witch chuckled.

“I don’t know many men who wouldn’t be thrilled with the prospect of getting laid. Come see me when you think that you’re pregnant and we shall see how things are looking.”

“That’s it?”

You asked, confused. The witch nodded.

“Did you expect me to start poking around down there?”

You shrugged.

“I was expecting more than this.”

The witch chuckled as she stood up. For the first time, the healer seemed to warm up. She reached out and patted your shoulder.

“You kids really are cute. Trust me, Ms. Rosier, this is going to be a lot easier than you expected.”

Stepping back into Grimmauld Place, you were still taking in everything that happened.

“Well?”

You were pulled from your thoughts as you stepped into the kitchen. Regulus sat at the table while Tonks, Remus, and Sirius were standing at the counter. Blinking, you tried to play innocent.

“Well, what?”

You replied. Regulus rolled his eyes as Tonks stepped in.

“Regulus told us where you were going today.”

“Yeah, the healer.”

Sirius came in. You breathed a breath of relief before sitting down at the table.

“I have a potion that she wants me to drink then you and I have some business to do.”

You smirked at the expression on Regulus’ face. He sat quietly waiting to hear some tale of events or get chewed out for missing the appointment but you casually took the tea that Tonks offered you as if nothing had happened.

“That’s it?”

Putting your teacup down you smiled again.

“You know that is the same reaction that I had. I was expecting her to be shoved between my legs looking at my lady bits but she looked over a chart, threw a potion at me, told me to have Regulus work his magic, then bidded me a nice farewell.”

Evan, who you hadn’t even noticed come into the room, froze at the “lady bits comment, spilled his tea, then turned and walked out without another word. Regulus made a mental note to be sure to torment Evan a bit later.

Regulus, himself, was taking in what you just said and blushed as the realization of what the healer said finally hit home.

“Maybe we should leave the two of you alone so you can work some magic.”

Sirius said, bursting into a fit of giggles at the embarrassed expression on your face. Regulus was shaking his head.

“Stay out of it, Sirius.”

Sirius poured a glass of fire whiskey with a smirk on his face.

“No need to be a prude, Reg. We have figured out that the two of you have sex. Some of us have been lucky to see the two of you with your tongues down each other’s throats.”

“Why are you watching, pervert?”

Regulus snapped before focusing his eyes on his older brother.

“At least when we have a child, it won’t have an older brother trying to sell it.”

Sirius didn’t look up as everyone in the room turned to look at him. He innocently looked down at his drink as you frowned.

“What are you talking about, Reggie?”

You asked. Regulus shrugged.

“Ask Sirius. It's his memory.”

Sirius finally looked up.

“I did not, oh wait, yes I did. He was so cute when mum and dad brought him home then he started screaming and taking up all of the attention.”

“I was a baby, you idiot.”

Regulus replied with a haughty frown. Sirius turned his attention back to you.

“So...anyway... I sold him to the old widow next door. Mum had to go get him back then I got the shit slapped out of me. So, Y/n, have you told Evan or Moody about the little plan that you two have cooked up?”

You had started to open the potion and looked up like a child who had their hand caught in the cookie jar.

“Well, no. I figured they could find out when it happens. It will be a lot less painful to deal with Moody after it happens. As far as Evan...he’s a smart boy...he’ll figure it out.”

Regulus’ eyes flickered back to you.

“He has an idea already. He heard you mentioning your lady bits and walked out.”

You stood up and went to the sink. How you missed Evan’s awkward and brief entrance was beyond you.

“One less thing to worry about.”

You downed the potion and automatically winced. Remus, who had been quietly listening from his place by the sink, met your gaze.

“Alright?”

You shook your head.

“Tastes horrible.”

You stood silently for a few minutes wondering if this was how Remus felt when he had to drink his “monthly” potion? If you, you felt sincerely awful for him.

“Well, I don’t feel any different.”

You commented. Tonks grinned up at you.

“It probably takes a bit to take effect. Might as well go work some magic.”

Regulus put down his drink and stood up.

“I’m out of here. Come find me when you need me, Y/n.”

A few hours later you stood helping Molly cook dinner. You had grown closer to the woman since everyone was held up in Grimmauld Place. At first, you thought there were too many people together but it actually wasn’t that bad. Molly had quickly become like the mother that you never had. She had been showing you how to do crafty little things that didn’t involve dark magic. You couldn’t help but smirking at the thought of how your grandmother and mother would be devastated that you didn’t have a Kreacher doing basic chores. Kreacher was enough of a basket case without asking him to do too much.

“Y/n, may I ask a question?”

You nodded as you finished cutting up a chicken. Molly put her knife down before turning.

“I overheard you talking about a certain potion.”

Molly had waited to bring the subject up when Regulus was out of the room in addition to every other man in the house. This was a conversation that she wanted to have without a bunch of “other ears.” Hermione sat at the table finishing up a salad. Molly was fine bringing this up around her.

You, meanwhile, put your own carving knife down.

“Yes, I went to see a healer about my not being able to get pregnant. She gave me a potion to try.”

Molly noticed how Hermione instantly stopped shredding the lettuce and started blinking. The young woman turned in her chair as Molly smiled.

“Are you sure that the two of you are ready for this? It's a big step.”

You were quiet for a moment before speaking. Were you ready...yes and no. You did wonderfully with Teddy but he wasn’t your child. What if you messed this kid up like your parents clearly did with you? Regulus’ childhood wasn’t much better. Two “damaged” people raising a child seemed like a bad idea.

“I know. It's really big but we both want it. I guess I will have to slow down a bit. That was Regulus’ one term and it makes sense. I’ve never liked the idea of being a housewife but maybe it won’t be so bad.”

“You don’t have to stop being an auror just because you are a mother. Tonks does a fine job at it.”

Molly commented.

“Had it been a few weeks ago I would agree with that comment but I was thinking about it...I thought about my childhood and Harry’s childhood...I don’t want my child growing up without parents. Molly, what if I’m a crappy mum? I didn’t have decent parents and neither did Regulus. What if this kid ends up as messed up as we are?”

Molly quickly reached out to cup your cheeks. She knew right away that it was time to go into “mum mode.”

“You will do just fine...both of you will. You’ve done great with Teddy. You also have a lot of support.”

Your worried expression eased up as Molly patted your shoulder.

“You have plenty of time to get ready. It will probably take some time for the potion to start working fully.”

Hermione meanwhile, finished up the salad before politely excusing herself. She had to warn Harry before the inevitable happened and found out in some horrible way.

Harry and Ron sat playing wizard chess when Hermione came into the room. Neither looked up at first. Hermione closed the door before turning back to her friends.

“I need to talk to the two of you.”

Harry’s eyes rolled up immediately noticing Hermione’s worried expression. He had grown used to being wary of that particular expression. When Hermione wore “that” look something was wrong.

“What’s wrong?”

Hermione sat down as both boys turned to face her. This conversation was not going to be easy. It didn’t matter how many times that Ron or Hermione told Harry to let go of whatever crush that he had on you; he hadn’t. Ron could have told Harry over and over that you were an adult now and had no interest in a younger man fifty times and Harry wouldn't care. Neither Ron nor Hermione could decide which crush was more damning…the crush on Cho or the one on yourself.

“Harry, I overheard Y/n and Mrs. Weasley talking. Y/n went to see a healer today.”

Harry frowned. You didn’t seem sick when he ran into you earlier that day. Granted, neither Harry nor yourself had really spoken since the spat over Regulus.

“Is she sick? What did Y/n say?”

Hermione took a breath before beginning to fiddle with the fabric of her jeans.

“Not that kind of healer, Harry. Regulus and Y/n are trying to have a baby.”

Harry’s mouth dropped while Ron looked confused.

“Why would they want to do that?”

Hermione shot Ron a glare.

“Ronald!”

Ron quickly recovered from his mistake and realized what Hermione was saying. He quickly turned to Harry who sat blinking. Harry sat motionless for a moment before jumping up to pace around the room.

“Why am I not surprised? Date someone for a short period then have a baby with them...makes perfect sense. Of course, she wants to make a family with him. Why wouldn’t she? Y/n won’t have to worry about him getting killed by some vindictive dark wizard or worry about…”

Ron quickly came in.

“Harry, I mean, she is a Slytherin like Regulus. Harry, what do you expect mate? Those two feed off of each other. Regulus is as sassy as Y/n, if not worse. Y/n will say something sassy and Regulus has the perfect back up comment. You won’t get far with trying to insult him.”

Harry sat down and took off his glasses to hold the bridge of his nose.

“That isn't what I meant, Ron but thanks for that. I’m going to get some air.”

Harry didn’t wait for Ron or Hermione to respond before storming out of the room. He was halfway down the stairs when he noticed Regulus sitting on the sofa in the small room off of the kitchen.

“I’ve got to be out of my mind.”

Harry muttered before walking in. Regulus didn’t look up from the book that his eyes were glued to. He didn’t even seem to notice Harry or care that the other boy was standing in front of him looking very upset.

“Regulus, I want to talk to you.”

Regulus didn’t lookup. He knew it was Harry without having to look at him.

“Um...okay.”

Harry opened and closed his hands a few times. It was taking all that he had not to lose his temper.

“I don’t think y/n needs a baby, it's too dangerous and you’re too old for her.”

Regulus finally looked up. He raised an eyebrow before smirking.

“Are you her father?”

Harry crossed his arms over his chest.

“No, he’s sitting in there looking confused.”

Regulus turned to look over his shoulder where Evan sat at the kitchen table muttering to himself... Rolling his eyes, Regulus turned back to Harry. It would be easy to hex the little fool for talking to him but you would also get mad at him. He didn’t feel like dealing with that at the moment. You being pissed at him wouldn’t get you underneath him anytime soon.

“Yeah, there he is. I guess I should only care about what he has to say but I don’t. Your opinion also matters little to me. I get that you’re chosen one but you're not god. Tell you what, I’ll consider your previous comment and put it in a filing cabinet in my brain. When I get the time and the desire to think about it...I will. Now run along and play in the street.”

Regulus went back to the book that he was reading as Harry’s furious expression intensified.

“You’re an ass.”

Regulus chuckled.

“Yeah. I’ve been told that. It's a real character flaw.”

“If Y/n gets injured by being with you...I’ll…”

Regulus looked up again.

“Alright, kid, I want you to listen to me. You care about her. I get it. There isn’t anything wrong with it but she’s my girlfriend and that won’t be changing. I’m sorry that you had all the bad shit in your life happen but, hey, crap storms happen. You don’t want me as your enemy. Now, as I said, run along and play.”

“Play?”

Harry snapped. Regulus nodded.

“Play...or whatever you kids call it nowadays.”

Before Harry could respond, you stepped into the room. You were immediately worried by the furious expression on Harry’s face and Regulus’ cool as a cucumber “this kid isn’t bothering me” demeanor.

“Reggie?”

Regulus looked up at you with a small smile. You weren't sure what you missed but had a feeling that whatever it was Harry was on the losing side.

“Yes, darling?”

“I need to talk to you.”

Regulus stood up without another word. He had a feeling where this “talk” was going and he didn’t mind in the slightest. He glanced over his shoulder at Harry before speaking once more.

“Hey, kid, watch out for cars when you are playing in the street.”

_______

@amelie-black

@truly-insatiable

@realgaytrash

@lucasfilms77

@sunles

@hello-love06

@velveteencurls

@spiderxalmighty

@exhsle

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@fandom-trash-worth-it

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@summer-novak

@emiwrites3reads

@shaylybaby2032

@untoldshortsofthefandoms

@knight-of-gleefulness

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@sprnaturallover

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[imaginingyourfandom]

panic attack

chapter 3 of ‘you matter to me’ with Angus Macgyver

chapter 3

series summary:  mac being scared to admit that he’s in love with you after his failed relationship

series warnings: angst, fluff, previous relationship, injuries & strained family relationships

word count: 1K

Whenever you're having a bad day, remember this: I LOVE YOU.

“Mum? Dad? What the hell are you doing here?”

The day had started off fairly well. Bozer had cooked breakfast for you all before you and Mac had even decided to get out of bed after they had stayed the night at your place and fallen asleep after dinner and a movie, then you all watched a movie together before you and Bozer got together to plan Mac’s birthday while he went for a run. The last thing you had expected was to find your parents at your doorstep.

“We wanted to talk to you. You are a hard person to find.” Your mother spoke. You knew she was annoyed with you, but you didn’t comment on her tone as they pretty much pushed passed you to get into your house.

Bozer looked up at your parents confused, “Are they your parents?” By your sigh he knew it was complicated and the last thing he wanted was to make it more difficult for you, especially seeing as your parents were glaring at him.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Your father asked in disgust.

Your jaw dropped as you looked at him in shock, “He’s my friend and you have no right to come in here and judge who I have in my life. What are you doing here anyway?”

Bozer was proud to have you as a friend, always defending him no matter the situation. He had no idea what had happened between you and your parents but from the way you were reacting, it was not good so, he walked away to give you your space to deal with the situation.

“We wanted to see our daughter?” Your mother replied.

You rolled your eyes, knowing that was not why they were here, “You and I both know that’s not true. What are you really doing here?”

You mother looked at you with a strong gaze, “We wanted to invite you to dinner. Matthew and his family are going to be there. We and his parents thought it would be a good idea for you to get back together again.”

As you watched the two of them look at you with no care and remorse, you wanted nothing more than to cry. You hated how small and insignificant they made you feel. They had no regard for your feelings and only cared about their image.

Tears slowly started to brim in your eyes, “Get out. I cannot believe after everything I went through with Matthew; you still want me to be with him. He made my life a living hell and hurt me so much that I needed a therapist to work through my trauma. And now you want me to go back to him? Why? Why would you do that to me?”

When you had first met Matthew, he was a gentleman. You were set up through your parents and at first, he was great. You actually saw yourself marrying him but slowly, his true colors began to show, and you wish you had never known him. He was emotionally and mentally abusive and, in the end, had pretty much run you off the road when you decided to leave him. Your parents just couldn’t understand why you would leave a good man that could give you a good life and you couldn’t understand why they would choose someone else over their own child. You needed them and they made it seem like it was all your fault, that you drove him to the way he treated you.

“He was a good man and you let him leave.” Your mother growled.

You couldn’t believe the man that had done everything he could to protect you growing up was just standing by and doing nothing. He just let your mother talk down to you and completely disregard your feelings to the entire situation.

You and your mother kept screaming at each other, you just wanted her to leave but she had other ideas and wanted you to give into the dinner, but she was definitely not getting her way. Amidst all the yelling Mac had come home to find you yelling at your mother and you looked very upset.

“What is going on here?” he spoke loudly as he walked towards you. He could see the distress on your face and he didn’t like it one bit. He didn’t care what the argument was about, he was putting an end to it because he was not going to stand by and watch you be so upset.

“You have a boyfriend?” Your dad asked with a frown. He knew he had no right to enquire about your relationship but it did hurt him that you didn’t tell him about your boyfriend, he did fail to protect you after all.

Your mother sneered at Mac, “Who the hell are you?”

Mac didn’t give her the chance to reply as he walked over to you, watching as you placed a hand on your chest, struggling to breathe. You rarely had panic attacks but when you did get them, they could be pretty strong and knock the wind out of you.

“Look at me,” he spoke softly as he held your hand before placing it on his chest, “Just breathe with me. Slowly.” You looked at him with tears in your eyes as you tried to match his breathing. It had taken a while but you slowly began to calm down before he moved you to sit on the sofa. When he knew you breathing again, he stood up and walked towards your parents.

“I quite frankly don’t care who you are or why you’re here but I want you to leave. You don’t get to come in here and make them upset. Leave and don’t come back.” Mac spoke firmly. He didn’t really wait for their reply as he pretty much shoved them out of the door before walking back over to you.

“I’m here. Just breathe for me.” He softly spoke as he wrapped his arms around you.

You nuzzled into his neck, “I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”

“Nonsense. I’m just glad you’re okay now.”

“Thanks to you.”