#her mom made her midlife crisis everyone’s problem that’s all I know

[cuteniaarts]

Me: *wants to make fanart of @silima’s OC*

Also me: *takes like two months to do it*

Anyways, here’s precious Soleil going full moth upon seeing bright lights, bc it’s my absolute favourite thing about her <3

[glue-factory]

bandom x pokemon au

This whole thing got way out of hand and overdeveloped into a full blown brainrot and I blame @grayvineyard for indulging me (who made LOVELY art for this au <3)

Bear with me, set roughly in the 1st/2nd gen of pokemon so Kanto/Johto except for the pokedex, there's a mix of those just because. Technically thought out for geetrick with a side of petekey in mind, but also a shit ton of gen.

Here are the basic foundations:

-> pokemon teams

Gerard's champion team: Espeon, Typhlosion, Nidoqueen, Parasect, Mismagius and Salamence

- His Espeon is blind due to a surprise ambush kinda critical hit by a venom type back in his teens.

- Lots of rumors ensued from this, but they don't like talking about it.

- She guides herself by psychic waves/a psychic mental map and through both the mental bond with her teammates and Gee.

Patrick's: Ninetails, Togekiss, Staraptor (uncanny resemblance to Pete...), Venusaur, Ursaring, Luxray

- Although his team overall seems big and scary they are all sweethearts, extreamely nice

- Meanwhile he's small and snarky, the meanest out of them all

- Ninetails has an attitude problem. she's a princess and she expects to be treated as such (it's Patrick's fault really from spoiling her rotten when she was a little vulpix)

Mikey's: Jolteon, Arcanine, Ampharos, Milotic, Butterfree, Xatu

Pete's: Ambipom, Gliscor, Gengar, Sunflora, Honchkrow (uncanny resemblance to Patrick...), Coralina

Ray's: Magby, Houndoom, Charizard, Victini, Chandelure, Clefable

- it's a mystery how he found Victini, he refuses to explain, just showed up with them one day and that was that

- very smug about it when he uses them in battle (unofficial ones only, the league doesn't allow them in his elite team)

- bane of Gerard's existence how Ray babies them around (Victini enjoys this very much, he gets extratreats and hangs on his shoulder/head), like cmon, that's a fucking legendary!

- hatched Magby from the egg himself, and he turned out to be a crazy kid, running around without looking twice, there's always gotta be at least one grown human or pokemon supervising him at all times

- his Clefable doesn’t seem to fit but is the secret trick, knowing fire blast as well as solar beam and water pulse.

-> general context

Professor Way moving into town (Pallet i guess?) with Mikey

She's... Not the best at parenting

cue him journeying through Kanto with Pete and Patrick (suppose they are around 17ish during that as an start point)

Pete as the high-spirited, optimistic trainer who sees the good in everything and fully beliefs in the power of friendship to rise over any challenge coming into his path. Strong trainer, makes friends with everyone, extreamely focused on the experiences the adventure brings, half assedly aims to become pokemon master. (kinda ethan/gold vibes ngl)

Patrick as the other side of the coin, not completely opposite, but a stark contrast to him, where Pete is ambitious in his journey, challenging gyms and aiming for the league, Patrick isn't too sure about his path, is critical of the battling business and more theoretical/book strategic when approaching a challenge. Doesn't mean he has a worse bond with his pokemon. Uncanny, natural gift at battling tho, but honestly doesn't think twice of it ("what like it's hard?"). Lowkey on a midlife crisis at 18 going from trainer to breeder (pokemon daycare worker?) to researcher, boy does not know what he's doing. But it's fine. Mostly.

Mikey's the kid that looks too cool to be a nerd and simultaneously seems like too much of a nerd to be as cool as he is. Has their only braincell for most of the time. Doesn't give a fuck, only he knows what his plan in life is, does he challenge the gyms? does he plan to go into research under his mom? he just vibes. BAMF, keeps the other two out if trouble more often than not. Lowkey mommy issues

Gerard as reigning champion, child prodigy, went on his journey with Ray at 13ish, crowned at 14, practically a legend. Extreamely extravagant, drama queen all around. Lots of rumours about him AND his blind Espeon. Honestly overworked, plus mommy issues (my emotional punching bag <3). A mountain hermit that thinks living on top of a freezing mountain is better than doubling down to the unsurpassable merit of peaking as a preteen. Deep down a sweetheart with a passion for pokemon and training.

Ray takes it easier, one of the elite four, fire type trainer. Local sunshiney, polite guy who Knows What He's Doing. Actually a badass who is tired of everyone's shit. Mostly holds the last braincell he and Gerard have left. Perchant for petting every fire type he encounters no matter how big or dangerous.

Ray and Gerard took out Team Rocket when they were teens, with them now being around 21.

Professor Way centers/ed her investigations on legendary pokemons, devoting most of her time and attention to it. Gerard would try to help out, not really successfully, and eventually developed a weird relationship with them as a concept, slightly obsessed, slightly frustrated, an underlying splinter still dug inside him.

When the Ways were kids there were a bunch of Eevees in the lab for research purposes or whatever. They always played with them and eventually kept one each.

Pete’s jacket’s fluff is made of mareep wool which, paired with his penchant for hugging Mikey’s and Patrick’s electric types, means his always charged with static energy and he’s a nightmare to be physically close to

Mikey Pete and Patrick are little shits and they lure Gee’s pokemon with too many berries

Like Patrick quickly becomes their fave bc of all the treats and how little he gives a fuck about Gerard’s stubborness

Specially after Gee runs off to Mt. Silver for a while and he’s the one who has to periodically hike up to make sure the idiot’s still alive

(He’s fine btw, it was never that serious)

Yeah, I think that’s it for now but it’s ever growing…

[bloomyn]

creme colored coffee

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x reader

summary: your midlife crisis happens rather quickly, and its not midlife, you’re twenty three with a baby whose daddy just left with your best friend. peachy.

part of: pink peonies

prologue  x creme colored coffee x next

“mommy!”

your son bounds up to your new bed, tugging the sheets to pull himself up. blearily you rub your eyes, opening them to the sight of your son staring right back at you.

“good morning!”

you tackle him in a hug, pulling him tightly against your chest and you can hear his laugh reverberating through you.

“i cant breathe! mommy help!” akio giggles. you smile down at his peeking eyes,

“its your punishment for waking me up so early!”

your words only draw a louder laugh from him. he hums against your collarbone, snuggling up underneath you. you’re pretty much all moved in save for a few boxes. it’s not much, your new house, but it’s a lot better than the cramped apartment back home, you can’t think of a reason why you bothered to stay.

but your new house already feels better, with its small front yard and decently sized backyard, you’re lucky you were able to find something like this. you son seems to be in love with it too, the first day you arrived he spent hours exploring the place.

“mhm hnfyr”

“what was that?”

akio looks up at you, lips pouting. “im hungry.”

your lips quirk up in a smirk. you shouldn’t do it, you really--

“hi hungry im mom.”

your son wails in disgust, you’re not quite sure if its because you didn’t say “okay let’s go eat.” or if its because he actually understands the joke, either way, you’re laughing.

-

you’re gripping the steering wheel tighter than you need too. you can’t help it, first day, first semester, new school. although this time you’re on the teaching side. you have your bag, your lunch, students don’t receive any work today because well, it’s the first week. (and you’re department head told you not to worry about it)

behind you your son is quiet, just gripping his little backpack (that hangs too big off his tiny shoulders and practically eats him up in the most adorable way) and cartoon volleyball plush with little hands on its side.

“ are you nervous baby?”

he nods quietly, “ a little.”

you don’t blame him.

“mommy’s gonna visit you at lunch okay? just gonna check up on you. you have your bento?”

he nods again. biting your lip, you turn around to your son.

“i love you akio.”

“i love you too mommy.”

-

“dr. [l/n]!”

you’re in the middle of your break when someone calls you from down the hall. you recognize the woman as, well, the only other woman teaching in your department. 

“oh thank god i caught you! i’ve been wanting to talk to you all day but, you know, classes.”

you nod. “it’s nice running into you professor hirugami. i’m looking forward to working with you.”

she laughs. “please drop the formalities, as the only two women in the department i’d like to think we could become friends.”

the thought a friend strikes a chord in your chest.

you smile back, “i’d like that very much.”

a good chord.

-

you’re going to throw up.

“are you kidding me?”

the female voice on the other side sounds annoyed at your question, like your bothering her, like you’re the one bothering.

“no, sorry, i’m not kidding.”

“mama?” your son calls from the other side of the room, he’ s just barely turned two and oh he’s still so small. 

“give me a second baby.” you reply, holding your hand over the speaker. he gives you a thumbs up, or what he thinks to a thumbs up - he’s trying his best.

“you’re leaving? with him?”

“look i’m sorry if you’re not grown up enough to deal with this--”

“you’re leaving, no, sorry, you’re eloping with my ex-boyfriend who left me pregnant alone-”

“he’s changed!”

“if he’s changed then why doesn’t he take responsibility for this?”

“you’re the one who decided to keep the damn thing.” she snarls back.

and then you’re stuck. she’s your best friend, was, your best friend. should you have seen it coming? the betrayal? i mean you’ve only seen this type of stuff in movies. you can’t say anything back, the malice in her voice is enough for you to hang up the phone.

“mama?”

you rush to your sons side, “sorry baby, mommy was busy. what is it?”

he holds up the volleyball plush one of your coworkers had given him.

“play?”

-

“akio is absolutely adorably [l/n]”

you don’t hide your smile. “thank you, he seemed pretty enamored with you too.”

your coworker squeals in delight, “forget lunch with the department, i’m joining you two from now on.”

laughing, the two of you make your way back to the science building. you know akio’s okay, you know that, he even told you about the new friend he made, how he loves volleyball too. his teacher had even told about how well he was adjusting, even complimenting his japanese - yeah the pride bubbled up when she told you that - you were the one who taught him. 

“do you have any kids hirugami - san?”

when the woman doesn’t respond immediately you start to panic.

“i didn’t mean to intrude, -”

“oh you’re fine!” she returns rather cheerfully, “my husband and i aren’t really trying for kids right now.”

your mouth forms an ‘o’ shape at her words.

“what does your husband do?”

a grin immediately slides onto her face.

“he’s actually the captain of the schweiden adlers? the pro volleyball team?

you vaguely remember hearing about them on tv and it shows on your face. had akio mentioned them before?

“ah don’t worry if you don’t know, i know you’re new to the area.”

you raise your eyebrows at her response, “oh, do they practice around here?”

her smile is almost mocking, no, mocking isn’t the right word.

“i can’t wait to show you around.”

-

“--and then murata-san said that he likes to play volleyball too! and that my japanese was really good! so i told him my mom taught me and he said it was really really cool!”

your happiness is practically bursting out of your chest at this point. as he talked about his day and how everyone thought his bento was soooooo cute - he made sure to look at you when he said that - the tension in your jaw relaxed and your hands eased on the steering wheel. the worrying weight of whether or not your son was doing okay was finally lifted.

he’s practically bouncing out of his seat, “ i can’t wait to go back!”. 

you chuckle at his words.

when you two get home he’s the first one to the front door, and when you finally catch up you find him staring at the little potted plant in your doorway.

“it hasn’t grown yet.” his voice wobbles. you squat next to him, patting the dirt.

“pretty things take time to grow baby, we only planted it yesterday.”

his bottom lip juts out and the grip on his backpack tightens. you prepare yourself for a sharp wail, 

and then he breathes out, undoing his actions from seconds ago.

“oh, okay. i’m hungry now.”

you don’t know whether to laugh or cry because when did your son seem so grown up already? managing his feelings like that? so instead you deal with the immediate issue at hand, 

“wanna go out to eat tonight? to celebrate?”

his face lights up like that, as if the plant problem hadn’t even existed.

“can we get sushi? i already had a sandwich and grapes, and i finished allllll my lunch! i finished my food like a good boy!” he announces proudly as you make your way into the house. 

you hum.

“anything for you baby”

- 

[weightlessau]

midlife crisis [ateez; jongho]

2.7k words

prompt from reedsy:

“I’d like to buy a plane ticket to your furthest destination today,” you told the airline employee

please pretend that everyone in ateez can speak fluent english or that y’all can speak the same language idk... 。(*^▽^*)ゞ

It's completely normal for people in their 30s and 40s to question their life and choices they made along the way. This became such a widespread problem that it even got its own name: the Mid-life Crisis.

People have the desire to go through drastic changes in their life even if they already have established a life of their own.

This phenomenon however should not be common for young people in their 20s or even teens, people who have not even begun making a life of their own.

Or so the elderly think.

After graduating high school, you didn't know what to do with you life. You didn't know what to do in college either so you just went and got a job as a hair and make up artist after an apprenticeship to apease your parents and at least do something with your life and for your future. At least you could earn some money while being hopeless with your decision.

But the months came and went and a year later, you still didn't know what to do.

So you just up and went and went to the airport the very same day.

"I'd like to buy a plane ticket to your furthest destination today," you tell the airline employee.

You must look crazy to them. Tousled hair, clothes not matching and dragging a heavy suitcase behind you, demanding a flight as far as possible.

But this employee seems to be used to your type of customers as she just glances at you for a second before starting to type on the computer in front of her.

"We have a flight to South Korea in about two hours, if that's alright with you?"

"Perfect." You hand over the necessary money and dash towards the gate to put your baggage away.

And not even a day later, you land in a completely new country, surrounded by unknown people.

Well, apparently not as unknown as you thought. Something special must be happening because a gaggle of girls push against the barrier of the arrival gate next to you. Is someone famous coming to Korea?, you ask yourself, but ultimately decide not to stick around for the drama. You need to find a place to stay first.

Just as you are about to turn away from the turmoil a hand grabs your arm and pulls you away from the crowd. You try to rip your arm away from the man dragging you, but you are surrounded by eight more of them. A panicked scream crawls up your throat. You just arrived a minute ago! Is this really how you're going to die? Your mom warned you to be careful with strangers.

Before your scream can burst out of your mouth a hand clasps itself over your mouth, almost covering half of your face.

"Please, don't scream," the person dragging you pleads with you. Why does he sound panicked? You're the one getting kidnapped!

As if he can read your thoughts, he continues, "we're not trying to kidnap you, I swear."

Finally, the boy that held your mouth closed sees that you won't shout anymore and releases you mouth.

"Who are you?" you burst out, tears springing into your eyes. Being surrounded by at least five strange men at once is more terrifying than you could have imagined.

"Oh no," one of them says with a frown on his face, "please, don't cry. We just tried to get away from the fans."

"That doesn't make it any better!" A pout forms on your face as you try to surpress the tears.

An even taller man, with prominent eyebrows, speaks up, "We were about to be mobbed by our fans, so we had to find a way to get around them, unsuspected."

"Are they here for you guys?"

"Yeah, kinda." The tallest of the bunch admits and scraches the back of his brown hair.

"And why, for the love of god," you ask exesperated, "would you grab me for that?"

This time the smallest of the group speaks up, the one that grabed you, you glare, "I don't know! I panicked, okay?"

"No! Not okay! Do you know how," you take a deep braeth, "Do you know how terrified I was? I thought that I was getting kidnapped." He let go of your wrist.

"She could distract the fans while we get in the van?" a quiet voice chimes in from the back. He is quite pretty, you have to admit.

"And why would I do that, princess?" you bite back snarkily.

Ignoring you nickname for his friend, the other large man with fiery hair replies enthusiastically, "we'll get you a room to stay in!" he says as if it's the best idea, "if you don't have one yet, that is?" he adds.

"You're lucky, I don't," you glare at each one of them once more before you stomp over to the fans after getting the managers number, for insurance.

"Guys, look! Over there!" you squeal loudly and point to the opposite direction of the boys' van.

Later you find out that they do, in fact, not have a room for you to stay in. The company deeming it a waste of money to get you a hotel room, so, to keep you quiet, they let you stay in their dorm for the while. Most (your mother) would flip out and ask you why the hell you would accept the offer to live together with eight boys in a dorm. The only answer you have is that you're broke and a cheapskate, who doesn't have a job and who just arrived in a foreign country recently. Even if you die, you're not going to leave much behind. That sounds dark, but you're in a Mid-life Crisis and don't really think that anything in life has worth or meaning. And what does it matter if the boys kill you? At least they're nice while they do it, giving you a warm bed next to Mingi's bed and delicious food, made by Wooyoung himself.

You have to stay with Mingi while his roommate, the youngest of the group, Jongho, has to suffer on the living room couch for his elders.

You are just about to enter the kitchen, for one of those delicious meal times, when you happen to overhear a conversation going on between Jongho and his members.

"My back is killing me, hyung. The couch really isn't comfortable," he moans as he hunches his own back a few times to relieve the pain.

"Bear with it a little more, Jongho. You know Mingi can't sleep on the couch because of his back and you were the one volunteering to sleep there," Hongjoong answers him sympathetically.

"And you know that we can't just throw her out or move her from bed to bed the whole time. We brought her into this mess and I bet they aren’t all that comfortable with the arrangement, too," Seonghwa adds.

Mingi walks up behind the sitting figure of Jongho and begins massaging the tense muscles in his back. He feels bad for being the one to offer you a place to stay and not even being the one to suffer because of his mistake.

That's when you decide to walk in with an apologetic expression, "I can take the couch, guys. It's no problem."

All eight of them startle from your sudden appearence at the doorframe.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home," you talk to Jongho directly.

"No," he shrugs Mingi's hands away, "what are you talking about?"

"I heard you talking, Jongho," you roll your eyes and finally sit down at the table.

With a shake of his head and his left hand, he tells you, "I still won't make you sleep on the couch. I can endure it until you find another place to stay at. It's no problem to me. I'm still young and perfectly healthy," he insists and ends the conversation completely, cutting you off whenever you want to object.

It's time for bed for everyone at the dorm, as Hongjoong likes to tell you all, even though he is a hypocryte and never actually goes to bed himself. After a few minutes of restlessness, you decide to do something against your parched mouth and leave Mingi's soft breathing behind you as you quietly tap over to the kitchen. While you gulp down the cold water, you notice heavy sighing coming from the living room, along with rustling, indicating a lot of tossing and turning.

Before you can change your mind, you quickly make your way towards the sounds of the obviously still awake Jongho.

"Jongho?" you still ask into the dimness to be sure.

"Hmm?"

"Don't be stubborn. I can take the couch for a few nights."

"No need, (y/n)."

"Well," you exhale, "if you don't want me to sleep on the couch and I want you to sleep in your own bed, why don't we share?"

"Share what?" he questions.

"The bed, you stubborn dummy. It's big enough for the both of us."

Nervously you hold you breath, waiting for his answer in the dimly lit doorway to the living room. You hear rustling before Jongho appears in front of you, arms full of his blanket and pillow, "alright, let's go." In the end you share the bed. Although you estimated that both of you would fit comfortably just fine, you still are awoken by the boys giggling like little school girls and phones in your faces.

Groggily you open your eyes a little more, trying to make out where you are and feel a heavy weight on your waist and warmth in front of you. That's when it dawns on you.

You try to rip yourself out of Jongho's tight embrace, but to no avail. It even gets tighter.

"Jongho," you whisper, glancing back at the boys recording behind you with possibly the reddest face you have ever had, "Jongho," you try again a little louder and still struggle against his grip. He wakes up to see your tomato-like face and immidately flashes back, hitting his head on the side board of bed in the process.

The boys seem to have a field day with your reactions and struggle to hold their phones steady on you faces, before Seonghwa decides that it's enough and they should leave you two alone. But of course that little shit doesn't close the door before shooting you both a suggestive wink.

In spite of you two barely being able to look into each others eyes the whole day, Jongho comes back that night and sleeps in the same bed as you again.

This continues on for two or three more weeks, before you finally find a job and your own cheap place to stay in. Coincidentally, you are able to get a job as the new make up and hair stylist of Ateez, the ones giving you the job not knowing who you really are to the boys.

After weeks of this arrangement you had with Jongho the two of you became much more comfortable with showing this contentment openly through skinship. Though you like hugging Jongho, the boys love it even more when you do that.

"Well, well, well. Would you look who we have here, Sangie."

Speaking of the devil. The worst of them all, Wooyoung and Yeosang.

"I see them, Woo. Jongho looks awfully comfortable hugging (y/n) for someone, who always screams bloody murder whenever we try to do the same, don't you think?"

"Leave us alone," Jongho says nonchalantly and waves them off behind your back. You, on the other hand, aren't as casual as Jongho and burn up brightly, hiding your face in the crook of his neck. You knew you would regret, coming to the dorm for a visit.

You feel Jongho's heartbeat pick up, when you bury your face in his nape. Maybe he isn't as uneffected by the teasing as you thought.

Wooyoung's cackling laugh echoes through the hallway when he and Yeosang leave you two alone again.

"Fuck it," you hear Jongho whisper before he pulls you away from him at an arms length to look you in the eyes. Your confused look greets him, questioning why he broke your embrace.

"What's up?" you ask, tilting your head, looking into his deep brown eyes.

Not meeting your eyes, he takes a deep breath to calm his hearthbeat, "I feel these things and I don't know what to do anytime I'm with you except hug you and wish to maybe kiss you and cuddle with you and tell everyone that I can cuddle with my partner if I want to and whenever you leave I look forward to seeing you again the second you're not in my eyesight anymore and I really like you," Jongho rattles down in one breath, eyes darting around, still not meeting your face, which has morphed from confused to a bright smiling face.

"Will you maybe, possibly, consider being my girlfriend/boyfriend, maybe?"

You smile up at him. You also like him, have been since you started falling asleep to his soothing voice lulling you to sleep at your nightly talking session after Mingi had already fallen asleep.

"I maybe, possibly, do want to be that, Jongho."

bonus (suggestive):

You finished everyone's make up and hair and the last member is sitting in the other make up chair with your colleague. You finally get to relax your feet and sit down on Jongho's lap, his hands coming up to rest on your hips instinctively, as you talk innocently with each other, not caring for the other staff members in the room. They're used to your PDA anyways, seeing as you two never actually get a moment alone, away from everyone else. They're so used to it that even Seonghwa looks away. At the beginning of your official relationship he watched you two with hawk eyes to ensure that you didn't do anything naughty, the 'innocence' of the youngest still very precious to him.

You're using the time before he has to go on stage to finally catch up after hectic running around during the styling.

"-and then I found the lipstick in a purse I haven't used for like two months!" you rant to him, him smiling fondly up at you, "Can you believe it? I don't even know how it ended up there! I really nearly came late to work for that shit."

"It looks really good on you, baby," Jongho compliments your lip color, that you spent precious minutes searching for that morning.

"Thank you," you smile down at him and go for a kiss.

Before you can reach his lips, he leans back slightly, "nuh-uh," he tutts, "no, kissing, babe, sorry. You worked so hard on my make up so no ruining it."

You pout at him which vanishes as an idea pops into your mind. "You're right," you agree with a devious smile, but still lean towards him again.

This time you aim further down. You press a light, brushing kiss (or two) onto his sensitive neck and leave him a shuddering mess underneath you, as you bend back towards the side of his neck. His hands tighten on your hips, maybe as a warning for you or maybe as a way to control himself and his pressing urges.

Thankfully you are in a corner of the room, your kisses unseen by the rest of the crew.

Just to tease him a little more you drop another kiss onto his sensitive neck and suck a little before letting go again. A quiet sigh leaves him accidentally when he slants his head to give you easier access, your hands trailing up his sides and making their way into his hair. You are mindful not to mess up his hair, but can't resist tugging it to give you even more room to kiss. Your lips drag down a path on his neck, biting and kissing on random spots, careful not to suck a mark minutes before the show begins.

"(y/n)," he breaths out into your ear, making you shiver as well.

"Stage in five, everyone."

[apricops]

More Buffyposting

Here’s miscellaneous notes over -- yeesh, about a season and a half. I kinda put this off for a while.

Thoughts from the last 4-5 episodes of season 4:

The whole “aloof and uncaring psychologist” trope is kind of dumb but at least in Maggie Walsh’s case -- and I don’t know if this was intentional -- it actually makes sense and is thematically fitting. She wasn’t in the “help people and give them therapy” branch of psychology, she was in the “understand people in order to effectively break and control them to make more effective soldiers” school of psychology.

Superstar feels like the meta-gloves are coming off and Joss is really starting to realize how fun it is to just fuck with the audience.

No wait, that point was probably the fake Spike-and-Buffy marriage in Something Blue.

 There’s a nice thematic patter to the last third-ish of the season. Adam is, quite literally, amorally taking the “good parts” of different people/things stitched together with the chaff thrown away, and he works with everyone in order to get what he wants. Meanwhile, Buffy’s busy dealing with a treadmill of old acquaintances giving her headaches and feeling weighed down with her friends. Then the penultimate episode flips it: the holistic whole (figuratively and literally) is better than the stripped-down, “streamlined” version because of the human spirit and stuff.

And then I was like “wow, the big bad is dead and everything’s wrapped up nicely, so what the hell is the season finale going to be?” to which Joss cackled and said “what won’t it be?” because wow 45 minute dream sequence.

Season 5:

The show used to have a reliable pattern of heavy depressing episode -> light funny episode -> plot episode but that kind of goes out the window at the halfway point.

Thankfully the BuffyBot episode was basically “hey listen, shit got way real and it’s going to stay real, so here’s 45 minutes of absurd low-stakes shenanigans as a palate cleanser.”

Speaking of, my gf has to pause pretty much every time Spike comes onscreen because inevitably he’ll say something funny and I’ll start laughing too much to keep watching. It’s interesting comparing him to Angel because Spike’s had to pretty much grow a sense of morals starting from less than nothing.

Spike learning how to be a values-haver had a nice setup-and-payoff where Buffy refused to congratulate him for not drinking the blood of unconscious bystanders because he was clearly just doing it because Buffy was nearby and he wanted to put on a nice face for her. Then when he’s captured by Glory, he’s on his own, and he does the right thing at his own expense. Buffy’s “I won’t forget that” shows how she’s begrudgingly realized that Spike is growing a moral backbone without thinking it makes her need to humor his crush.

Completely obvious and planned by the writers of course but Joyce’s death being of mundane natural causes made it hit so much harder because I was fully expecting Brian to reveal himself, twirling a Snidely Whiplash mustache and going “nyehehe, I killed your mom!” and then Buffy could stab him and get catharsis but instead that didn’t happen.

Also my mom dying just 3 months ago made that episode hit a lot harder and the way it bounces back and forth between reality and false hopes is painfully accurate, your mind is just trying to be everywhere at once.

It was a bit cheeky of them to do this, but she show even sort of called attention to itself, by having the art class talk all about the use of negative space to highlight details while the episode itself was full of moments of quiet and inaction to highlight Joyce’s death.

Also, the song Giles was listening to after hearing about Joyce’s death was the same song that was playing when they poiked.

Speedrunning the show really highlights how Buffy’s been forced to grow up really fucking fast. Almost in response, Giles has a pre-serious-half midlife crisis.

I like how Giles buying a magic shop solves a lot of story shoe-leather problems (having a new base of operations, having access to important texts and resources, giving Giles something to do) while also fitting perfectly into Giles’s aforementioned mid-life crisis.

Misc:

“So, if crosses and holy water are the go-to things that repels vampires, does that mean they had pretty much free reign for most of human civilization until a couple thousand years ago, and then they still had free reign over everywhere but Europe? Or is it just a religious significance thing? Could you get the same effects with a gohei or an omkara?” gf: “Maybe it’s a belief thing, like it’s more in their heads. No, wait, that one vampire drank holy water and exploded.” me: “does the tabletop RPG mention anything about it?” gf: “it’s literally never explained or elaborated upon.”

[abcsofadhd]

On being diagnosed with ADHD in midlife

@campfiresbeerandcoffee got diagnosed with ADHD in their early 50s and I asked them to share their story. 

It’s kinda long but its a damn interesting read about a person’s experience with ADHD and a late diagnosis. It’s VERY well written and I’ve only spaced it out and bolded it for better readability.

Remember, it’s really NEVER too late to get a diagnosis.

I’ve known people with ADHD most of my life. I knew what it was, obviously. It was that boy who was socially inappropriate and weird, the one who got angry too fast, who touched oddly, who couldn’t sit still. 

It was the squirrel brained women I knew, that changed jobs, were super smart, had multiple competencies and could instantly grasp systems, but had so much drive they were always up, always working, always learning. It wasn’t ME.

It didn’t even occur to me that I had ADHD. I wasn’t a problem. I sat quietly in class, lost in my own thoughts, doodling. I could focus for hours on books, on coding, on the grains of sand on a sunny beach. I certainly didn’t have an attention disorder. 

My dad died in my 2nd year of uni. I didn’t do well. Well meaning counselors said I was high strung and should avoid all sugar and stimulants. Are you kidding? Caffeine kept me sane. Eventually I changed majors, and managed to graduate with a BA.

I even managed to get into grad school, and did entrepreneur things too. But eventually I crumbled again and didn’t finish my thesis. I had anger issues. I was high then low. I would rage and weep. I’d spend weeks in apathy, when I had everything I wanted: a business, a wife, wonderful family. But it was a long dark bleak tunnel every day.

Then I heard a radio show on chronic depression and recognized my symptoms. Got some help and medication, and managed to co-found a company.  The anti-depression meds helped, settling on Wellbutrin eventually. But things were still hard.

I got a straight job to help my wife start her career. I worked in an office, coding and structuring information systems. Prestige, recognition, it was great for my ego, good benefits and fair pay. 

10 years in this high performance position I crashed from accumulated stress when my mom died. I was prepared with Wellbutrin and counselling and even so I burned out with major depression and anxiety and ptsd symptoms.  

Took 3 years off work before I dared to take a job with minimal responsibility. In that time I had full on major ADHD symptoms but didn’t recognize them. I couldn’t say what I did all day. 

I couldn’t make a list, couldn’t go in the store. Couldn’t read. Couldn't feed myself. Couldn’t clean. Couldn’t listen. Just- floated in a fog of stress and anxiety. Developed skin issues, auto-immune issues, insomnia, eye twitches. Couldn’t even sit at a computer screen. I was completely useless. Couldn’t leave the house.

Eventually tho, as I worked through what I thought was PTSD, learning to accept the new broken me, I was able to watch a full 20 minute sitcom. Success! I was elated. Who could I tell? Who would celebrate that as an achievement? Yay, you watched TV? Pffft. 

But I was thrilled. And I could go to the store. Maybe even buy a few things. Often I’d just sit in the parking lot. But increasingly I could do some things around the house. Walk the dogs. Buy milk. So I accepted when opportunity offered me a lower-stress job related to my interests.

At my new job, I learned to make eye contact again, slowly re-learned to do simple math again. Cashing out would take me over an hour. I tried so hard to remember names and orders. Failed miserably. Tried to accept the new no-brain me. Found comfort in routine tasks. Developed coping strategies for memory. Accepted that maybe my purpose was to be a heart not a brain. My whole self-worth was always being the smart expert. Now I was busted. But that was ok, because it had to be! 

Medicated with prescription cannabis and started seeing big improvements in depressive symptoms. That led to being able to exercise. Exercise helped immensely. So I was bringing in a bit of money, I was leaving the house and interacting, and felt much better.

Met a co-worker who told me about her ADHD. I understood completely. Had my first “a-ha!” moment when someone asked me how was it that  I understood her. Oh. OH! Other people don’t understand her, and I do. Why?

But, I couldn’t be ADHD, surely? My coworker was classic ADHD in the way I then understood it. Changing topics all over in conversation, but I’d follow right along? We’d chat for hours after work. I grew to admire her strategies for getting things done, her tenacity, her acceptance that she could do things differently. 

And as I admired her force-of-nature engagement with the world, her acceptance of herself, I started to be open to the idea that there was more to ADHD than I thought. I really didn’t think I was ADHD, but how was it I could understand and keep up with her? And when I asked her about it, she looked at me like of course I probably had ADHD, and she thought I already knew?

So after working with her for 2 years I started to read about ADHD, because I was experiencing a little less stress and could focus to read again. But I hadn’t found out yet about the emotional dysregulation. I just knew I was functioning again, kinda. And so I embraced the feelings. I chased them, like an addict, seeking to feel good again.  

And boy did it feel good to let myself feel. I’d learned to build a box around my emotions, because I was always too sensitive, too happy, too sad, too worried. At my coding job, I just lost myself in matrices and code and denied my emotions.  My coworkers had affectionately called me Mr. Roboto. That hurt. But that was the old me. Now, I was going to LIVE and FEEL HAPPY, and it was great. I was elated. 

I partied and made new friends and drank too much and got stoned too much and talked too much and in my exploration  I left such wreckage around me. I was oblivious at first. But when I saw what I’d done, I was in torment. If I couldn’t be a brain, and I couldn’t be a heart, then what good was I? I desperately wanted to be ordinary, but I didn’t know how, and I was going to lose everything.

And then as I tried to get a handle on my behavior, some ADHD memes popped up on social media, and then they popped up with a funny story and I related. And again. And again. And I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Your blog specifically woke me up to the emotional dysregulation aspect, and following that thread of research made my likely ADHD undeniable. So I did the predictable thing and denied it for another year.

Finally I went in for assessment because if I had it, I couldn’t let my kids go untested and if I was going to ask them to try, I had to start with me. Doc didn’t even blink. Basically said, of course you have ADHD. 

This has been everyone’s reaction, when I share my diagnosis with my friends: “Are you really surprised, really?” Yes, dammit, I am! It’s surprising and hard to hear, yes, you are in fact broken. But it’s also freeing. I can stop beating myself up.  I can get appropriate help. I can try meds.

I am terrified of stimulants, because I’m super sensitive to caffeine, and even Wellbutrin was unsustainable for me, causing too much jitters. But I’m taking my Vyvanse and being hopeful. If it doesn’t work out, there is a non stimulant option.

 I know meds won’t solve everything. I know that I have so many of the strategies already, I recognize them in the ADHD forums, and books. But maybe meds will leave me enough energy to address things. Maybe I’ll be able to Get Things Done.

This medicated hopeful happiness does feel a bit like mania, I’ve learned to be distrustful of my happiness. But if it’s going to be helpful, I’m going to try it.  It’s early days.

I’m reading Gina Petra’s Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder. And it’s wrenching. I knew my latest crisis was hard on my family, but I didn’t realize it’s been the whole marriage, it’s been my whole life, school, college, career, midlife! It’s enlightening but hard to read testimonials from people living with untreated ADHD partners, and recognize myself in their stories. I had no idea of the extent ADHD was contributing to my personality and behavior.

My wife and kids deserve to be off the rollercoaster. I also deserve to be happy. I want to look forward to each day again instead of waking up knowing I’m going to fuck up again.

So it’s not a comfortable place to be, here in the spotlight. But it sure as hell beats being in the dark and blindly flinging myself in a new direction. It’s revealing. It means taking personal responsibility. 

But it also means hope. Hope that it can be better. Hope I can stop hurting the people I love. Hope I can be the person I want to be, the person I’ve been on occasion. It means hope for sustainable stable relationships and jobs. 

[365daysoftododeku]

2nd August 2019

Author: Kenyoda

Admin’s Note: Another oneshot of @ebonyphd​‘s Internet Friends AU! You can read the rest of the series over here!

________________________________________________________________

Unexpected Friends

Shouto had known that this was a bad idea from the moment Natsuo had suggested it. But he was too shy to actually ask Midoriya out on his own, so he leaped at the rather neat solution that his brother had offered at the time. His current partner - a guy this time - had been dying to meet Shouto. Natsuo claimed that Tenko was also a high nerd and that he and Shouto would get along like a house on fire. 

Shouto was unconvinced. 

The last partner his brother had was a snobby ableist that had also been “dying” to meet Shouto. They had spent the whole date “lamenting” over Shouto’s “misfortune.” They had no idea he could read lips. He had spent the whole time fuming: he was deaf, not dying. They were also super rude to Natsuo. He was quite glad when Natsuo dumped them. 

Natsuo had suggested that Shouto and Izuku tag along on his date with his boyfriend to see a movie. That way, if things went well, Shouto could ask him on a real date. Shouto had reluctantly agreed, pretty much because he had no idea what to do otherwise. So here he was now, waiting for Izuku and this ‘Tenko’ to show up. When Tenko made an appearance with a blonde girl that looked like she walked out of a vampire manga, all of Shouto’s alarm bells rang at once. 

He, presumably, was dressed in black from literally head to toe. If he did not know any better, Shouto would swear the open jacket they were wearing was from Empire Souls, specifically from Company XIII, one of the main antagonists of the game. Under that there was a black t-shirt with red lettering that said,

                                The Number of FXXXs I give today: 

                                                            0

houto internally snorted at that. This was Natsuo’s boyfriend, huh? This was completely different than his usual dates. They were usually somewhat intelligent, sociable, but ultimately shallow. This guy screamed anti-social. As the two approached, Natsuo grinned. The hood of the jacket was thrown back, revealing white hair and red eyes. A devious smirk was etched into his face, but his eyes softened when they landed on his brother. 

“Hey Nats!” greeted the blonde as they came to stand before them. Tenko just gave a halfhearted wave and mumbled something. Natsuo did not seem to be offended - in fact he smiled wider.

“Hey Tenko! Glad to see you made it! How did the competition go?” Natsuo asked as he stepped forward and hugged the shorter man. Shouto blinked in surprise when he hugged him back.

“Good,” was the only thing Shouto could make out from the angle. Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a bright Izuku bouncing next to him. Shouto couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his face. He hugged his friend tightly, Izuku doing the same. It had been nearly 2 years since the two had become friends. They were both in high school, Shouto attending a school for the deaf and blind and Izuku one closer to his home. But they met often at each other’s homes, and they spoke all the time on Unplug. Izuku beamed at him again. Shouto’s heart jolted in response. He had also been pathetically crushing on him for the last year.  

Shouto had tried on numerous occasions to tell his friend, but he always lost his nerve at the last minute. What could he offer Izuku? He couldn’t hear him - sure, Izuku never minded that he had to sign when they were together, but he could not expect him to want to do that forever, right? Izuku was clearly popular among his peers, and becoming more popular since his friends encouraged him to start the HeroTube channel to supplement his forum ramblings. He had seen personally that his friend was pleasant and attractive, especially after he bulked up to do a Valor cosplay. Izuku discovered that he loved working out and that Uraraka did too, so they continued. Sometimes Shouto would join them on runs. 

Shouto had little to offer in return, so the thought of admitting his crush was a little daunting. Both his siblings had been insisting that he at least attempt to talk to Izuku about it but Shouto refused. He didn’t want to lose the easy friendship he had with the other boy. Izuku was currently rambling to him about some post he found regarding a potential TV serialization for Altered Reality Academia. Izuku’s facial expression turned curious and then he told Shouto that his brother was trying to get his attention.

Shouto turned to see Natsuo and Tenko standing in front of them, Tenko looking a bit curious. Natsuo formally introduced everyone. The vampire girl’s name was Toga Himiko. Then he was introduced to Shimura Tenko. He and his brother apparently met at the hospital where Natsuo was currently doing a hands on internship. Shouto, through Izuku’s helpful translations, asked the teen whether he had ended up there due to the vampire girl and Tenko laughed heartily. Natsuo scowled. 

“No. I did not. I am apparently more of a vampire than she claims to be… I am actually allergic to the sun,” he said, surprisingly in sign language. When Shouto must have given him a surprised look, he explained that his sister was Hard of Hearing. Shouto found that it felt a little less weird now. That is, until Toga said that he looked good enough to eat; then he was momentarily afraid for his life. A sneak glance at his friend’s pale face said that Izuku felt the same. Tenko rolled his eyes and assured them that she had already “fed” and that they were safe. 

Shouto was still dubious.    

“So what are we seeing again?” Natsuo asked his boyfriend, signing for Shouto.

“Sako-chan is debuting his movie at this festival, neh neh— Ten-chan?” Toga said, her lips and curls moving rapidly. Natsuo stumbled translating a bit but Shouto got the idea. Ah, another friend is debuting a movie, huh? Interesting. Apparently, it was part of an independent film festival. It was called  DartMan: The Dark Midlife Crisis. It was supposed to be a parody of edgy superhero films.   

As the group made their way towards the building, he and Izuku caught up on their week. Shouto told Izuku about his thoughts on becoming a social worker or a lawyer. His friend thought that was an amazing idea and had no doubt that he could pull it off. When Izuku said that, Shouto couldn’t help the flush that washed over his face. He wanted to tell Izuku how much his support meant to him, but he couldn’t begin to form the words. His hands were shaking too bad. So he settled for a probably broken but vocal ‘thank you.’ Izuku beamed back. He then surprised Shouto by saying he was still thinking about what he wanted to do. This was unusual as Izuku had talked about being a comic artist for the longest time. 

Izuku had always talked about his want to be the next Yagi Toshinori. His writing was excellent and his art was amazing. Shouto was sure he was a shoo-in for the art school he wanted to go to. It was part of a larger university. What had changed? He had entertained the notion of them going to that very same university together. He had thought that maybe mentioning it would not be a bad way to approach the crush problem. Start simple. After all, most people would probably run the other direction if someone suddenly blurted out that they would ‘dream of kissing them and never leaving their side ever again’ out of nowhere. But Izuku’s change in direction had thrown him.  

“Why did you change?” he asked as they stood in line. Izuku looked thoughtful for a moment. 

“Well, partially because of my mom and partially because I tried commissions for a while. Sure, it was nice getting the money and I did not mind drawing for people, but suddenly what I loved doing became a chore. I— I don’t want to lose what I love doing for money. So, I have been thinking lately that I should do my art for myself on my own time and find something else to do…” Izuku said, his face clearly saying he was not sure about it. “I still want to go to UA, though. They have good connections,” said the boy with a shrug. 

“That doesn’t sound like you, though,” Shouto pointed out immediately. Izuku cringed. Shouto pounced on that, nerves be damned. His friend needed help and Shouto was going to give it. “What is really bothering you? Someone leave nasty messages about your work again?” Shouto asked. Izuku resolutely shook his head, even as he moved forward in line. “Then what is it?” 

“My mom was talking with one of the neighbors and they said some things about how I was wasting my potential and that I was such a ‘smart boy’ and that mom was a bad parent for letting me waste my time,” he finally admitted, shoulders slumping. Shouto inwardly seethed. How dare they make Izuku feel bad about what makes him happy?!

“That’s bullshit! You are smart! That is what makes you so good at what you do! You would not be half the analyst you are if you weren’t! Sure, being a comic maker is not the first thing that people would think of for you, but that doesn't mean it's not what you are destined to do. Tell them to go pack sand,” Shouto argued. Izuku laughed, out of shock more than likely. 

“Thanks Shouto, I just… I worry that I am not cut out for it… if I am not living up to my potential,” he said, forlorn. Shouto took the distraction to buy their tickets for the movie before Izuku could even protest. He then beckoned his friend to come along. Izuku pouted, saying it was not fair. Shouto just grinned.

“Don’t worry about it, you can pay next time,” he said with a grin, before turning scarlet. Way to be a pretentious ass! he berated himself. He was no better when he caught Izuku sporting a similar shade on his cheeks.  Shouto decided to find another distraction. His eyes landed on his brother and Tenko walking together.

It was strange. 

He had never seen Natsuo so relaxed around a date before. Most of the time, he was overdressed and drawn as tense as a bow string. Now though he was in a simple polo and a pair of jeans. He was walking with his arm around Tenko’s shoulder as they talked. They quietly laughed at some inside joke as Toga flitted around them all bouncing curls and energy. 

He wondered if he and Izuku could ever be close like they were, so secure in their relationship. His eyes cut to Izuku and the boy seemed lost in his own head. But that was Izuku, forever dreaming. A soft smile pulled at his lips. Izuku’s eyes suddenly bugged and he turned red. Shouto was confused at first until he felt Izuku squeeze his hand. Then he felt his face heat. 

When had he taken Izuku’s hand?!

But his friend only smiled bashfully as he stared at the floor. He did not let go of his hand. Shouto’s heart kicked in his chest. It was a lovely feeling. Maybe he had a chance after all? Shouto held his hand a little tighter. They settled into line for snacks and Shouto felt eyes on him. He looked up to see Tenko eyeing him as his brother talked with Toga about something. The ethereal looking teen gave him a kind, teasing smile. 

‘Nice job,’ he mouthed before eyeing their joined hands then looking at him again. Shouto blushed again, but felt grateful all the same. Tenko had definitely been a nice surprise. The boy was strange and had equally strange friends but so far he had been nice. Far nicer than most people he had met since he had finally started escaping the house. Shouto smiled back and mouthed, 

‘Nice jacket. Empire Souls?’ 

Tenko nodded before mouthing, ‘made it myself.’ 

Shouto gaped. Okay… maybe Natsuo was right. He was going to have to speak to his boyfriend more… maybe if he plucked up the courage… he could go on a real double date with them in future. That could be fun. He felt a tap on his shoulder. 

‘What are you smiling about?’ Izuku mouthed. 

‘The jacket is Empire Souls inspired. He made it,’ he mouthed. Izuku’s eyes lit up. He immediately started drilling Tenko for details. Shouto laughed, but he was keenly aware that despite his enthusiasm, Izuku still hadn’t let go of his hand.

_______________________________________________________________

Would you like your work to be featured in the 365 Days of TodoDeku Project? Apply here! (≧∇≦)/

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Chapter Thirty-Eight:

The One When Olaf Admits to Arson

 

 

Captain Sham expertly sailed the boat to Damocles Dock, tying it to the dock. “Come along, little idiots,” he said as he led the Baudelaires onto the dock, where Mr. Poe was waiting with his handkerchief in his hand and a look of relief on his face.

“You’re safe!” Mr. Poe said. “Thank goodness! We were so worried about you! When Captain Sham and I reached the Anwhistle home and saw that it had fallen into the lake, we thought you were done for!”

“It is lucky that I decided to sail across the lake! Their boat was nearly destroyed by Hurricane Herman and by a swarm of leeches. I rescued them just in time!” He said pulling the two children closer to him. Klaus pulled away from him, holding Sunny close to him.

“Children, what am I supposed to do with you?” Mr. Poe asked sighing. “You said you were going to go home and rest, but instead you get ahold of a sailboat and sail across the lake in the middle of a hurricane. Aren’t you a bit too young to have a midlife crisis?” Klaus and Sunny looked at him in complete disbelief. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose rescuing you.”

“He did not rescue us!” Klaus shouted. “He threw Aunt Josephine into the lake! We have to go and rescue her!” 

“Hurry!” Sunny yelled.

“Well, I’ll admit the children’s behavior did make me have second thoughts. But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and my heart are. I truly think that the Baudelaires can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.” Sham said to Poe, “Now, obviously the children are upset and confused,” Captain Sham said, his visible eye shining. “As their father, I think they need a good night’s sleep.”

“ YOU ARE NOT OUR FUCKING FATHER! ” Klaus shouted angrily, stomping his feet on to the ground like a child throwing a tantrum. “You are Count Olaf! You are a murderer! A child abuser! A villain! Please, Mr. Poe, alert the police! We have to save Aunt Josephine!”

“Oh, dear,” Mr. Poe said, coughing. “You certainly are confused, Klaus. Aunt Josephine is dead, remember? She threw herself out the window.”

“No, no!” Sunny shouted. 

“Her suicide note had a secret message in it. I decoded the note and it said ‘Curdled Cave’. Well, actually, it said ‘apostrophe Curdled Cave’ but the apostrophe was just to get our attention.” Klaus explained looking at Mr. Poe with pleading eyes.

“You’re not making any sense,” Mr. Poe said. “What cave? What apostrophe?”

“Hold on,” Klaus said putting Sunny down beside him. He frantically searched his pockets, desperately looking for the note. “I can show you the note,”

“You can show it to him in the morning,” Captain Sham said, in a falsely soothing tone. “You need a good night’s sleep. My associate will take you to my apartment while I stay here and finish the adoption paperwork with Mr. Poe. He’s waiting over there in the car,” Sham pointed to a black automobile with its engine running. 

“But…” Klaus said still frantically searching his pockets. 

“Get in the car!” Sham yelled glaring at Klaus. 

“We’re not going anywhere with you!” he yelled towards Sham, turning to Mr. Poe. “I know it’s here somewhere…”

“Let’s go,” Sham said trying to usher Klaus to walk towards the car. 

“But…” Klaus cried.

“But nothing,” Captain Sham said. “You’re very distraught, which means ‘upset’.” 

“Kit!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “We know what ‘distraught’ means!” Klaus translated for his sister, not noticing the face that Sham was giving Sunny. 

“ Please. Mr. Poe, listen to us!” Klaus begged, pulling out the pictures and shuffling through them. “It’s a matter of life or death. Please just take a look at the note!”

“You can show it to him,” Captain Sham said, his voice rising in anger, “ in the morning. Now, please behave and get in the car.”

“Hold on a minute, Captain Sham.” Mr. Poe said. “If it upsets the children so much, I’ll take a look at the note. It will only take a moment.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said relieved. He had finally found the note, but as soon as he got a look at it, his face fell in disappointment. And I’m sure you can guess why. If you place a piece of paper in your pocket, and then soak yourself in a hurricane, the piece of paper, no matter how important it is, will turn into a soggy mess. Klaus looked miserably at the damp lump in his hands. You could scarcely tell that it had been a piece of paper, let alone read the note and the secret message it contained. “This was the note,” Klaus said, holding it out to Mr. Poe. “You’ll just have to take our word for it that Aunt Josephine was still alive!”

“Etiam!” Sunny pointed out, which still meant, “And she mightstill be alive!”

“Sunny’s right! She could still be alive! Please, Mr. Poe, send someone to rescue her!” 

“Oh my, children,” Mr. Poe said. “You’re so sad and worried. But you don’t have to worry anymore. I have always promised to provide for you…” he began.

“Shit!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “And you’re shit at it!” 

“...I think Captain Sham will do an excellent job of raising you. He has a steady business and doesn’t seem likely to throw himself out of a window. And it’s obvious that he cares for you very much, why, he went out alone, in the middle of the hurricane, to search for you!”

“The only thing he cares about,” Klaus said bitterly, “is our fortune!”

“Why, that’s not true. I don’t want a penny of your fortune,” 

“Yes, you do! Because you are Count Olaf in disguise and you murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood,”

“Wa-wa,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “Well, actually, cold water.”

“Klaus, we’ve been through this. There’s absolutely nothing at this point that will convince me that this man is actually Count Olaf. You have no evidence to support these wild accusations, and I cannot, on behalf of Mulctuary Money Management, merely take the word of a single child.”

“You don’t have to take the word of a single child, you can take the word of both of us!” Klaus shouted.

“Well, actually, it is a single child. The baby doesn’t really count,” Sham said.

Mr. Poe frowned and coughed into his handkerchief. “Children, please go to your new home while I make the final arrangements with captain Sham. Perhaps we’ll have time for breakfast tomorrow before I head back into the city.”

“ Please. ” Klaus begged. “ Please, won’t you listen to us? Why won’t you believe us?” 

Sunny didn’t say anything. Sunny had not said anything for a minute, and if Klaus wasn’t so busy trying to reason with an idiot like Mr. Poe, he would have noticed that she wasn’t even looking up to watch everyone talking. During most of this conversation, Sunny was looking straight ahead, and if you were Sunny’s age and size, this would mean you were looking at people’s legs. The leg that she was fixated on was Captain Sham’s.  She wasn’t looking at his right leg, though, which was perfectly normal but at his peg leg. She was looking at the stump of dark polished wood, attached to his left knee with a curved metal hinge, and concentrating very hard. 

Sunny was trying to solve the Baudelaires’ problem. Their problem, of course, was that Captain Sham’s despicable plan was about to succeed, and the way to solve it was to convince Mr. Poe of what was really going on. But with Aunt Josephine thrown in the lake, and her note a ruined lump of wet paper. Klaus was unable to convince Mr. Poe of anything. Sunny, however, stared at Captain Sham’s peg leg and thought of a simple, if rude, way of solving the problem.

As all the taller people argued and paid no attention to Sunny, the littler Baudelaire leaped slightly into the air and opened her mouth and rapidly bit down on Sham’s peg leg, demolishing it. Luckily for the Baudelaires, Sunny’s teeth were as sharp as a sword. The flimsy pieces of wood that remained cracked loud enough, causing everyone to look down. 

Sunny’s plan revealed Captain Sham’s real leg, pale and sweaty from knee to toes. But it wasn’t the knee or toes that interested everyone. It was his ankle. By biting the peg leg, Sunny had solved the children’s problem, exposing Count Olaf’s tattoo to everyone. Klaus smiled in relief and picked Sunny up quickly before Olaf had a chance to hurt her. 

Mr. Poe looked astonished. Klaus looked relieved. While Sunny looked at Olaf triumphant. Count Olaf, first looked afraid, but in a blink of an eye, he twisted his face to look as astonished as Mr. Poe’s. 

“My leg! My leg has grown back! It’s amazing! It’s incredible! It’s wonderful! It’s a medical miracle!” Olaf cried in a voice of false joy.

“Oh, come now. That won’t work. Even a child can see that peg leg was false.” Mr. Poe said.

“A child did see it! Two children in fact!” Klaus yelled. “But you didn’t listen! You never listen!”

“Well, maybe the peg leg was false,” Count Olaf admitted, and took a step backward. “But I’ve never seen this tattoo in my life.”

“Oh, come now. That won’t work either. You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg, but now we can see that you are really Count Olaf.”

“Well, maybe the tattoo is mine,” Olaf admitted, as he took another step back. “But I’m not this Count Olaf person. I am Captain Sham. See, I have a business card here that says so.”

Klaus rolled his eyes but noticed something familiar in the distance. He quickly pulled out one of the pictures of his parents from his pocket, unfolding it. He looked at the background of the photo and up at the view on the horizon. He nudged Sunny, showing her what he saw. “Lucky Smells Lumbermill,” Klaus whispered. “Josephine said it wasn’t far.”

“Mama,” she replied, “Dada.” 

“Yes...mom and dad were there...we need to find a way there, somehow,” Klaus whispered.

“Oh come now, that won’t work either. Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made to say whatever they want.” Mr. Poe said after a fit of coughing.

“Run?” Sunny whispered, which meant, “We could run away,”

Klaus sighed. “That wouldn’t be the smartest move on our part,” he whispered in reply. “I promised Mom and Dad that I’d keep you safe...even if Mr. Poe is incompetent...I doubt we’d make it on the street, Sunny.”

Sunny shrugged. “Ergo?” she whispered, which meant, “Then what? How are we going to get there.”

“Luck?” Klaus whispered back. “Maybe...that’s our next destination.”

“Well, maybe I’m not Captain Sham,” Olaf admitted, “but the children still belong to me. Josephine told me so.”

“Oh come now, that won’t work. Josephine left the children to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf. You are Count Olaf, not Captain Sham. So it is once again up to me to decide who will care for the Baudelaires. I will send these two youngsters somewhere else and I will send you to jail. You have performed your evil deeds for the last time, Olaf. You tried to steal the Baudelaire fortune by abusing the children. You tried to steal the Baudelaire fortune by murdering Dr. Montgomery…” he began.

“And this ,” Olaf growled, laughing maniacally. “Was my greatest plan yet!” He reached up and tore off his eyepatch, throwing it at the Baudelaires, taking them away from their secret conversation and stared at the children with both of his shiny eyes. Causing Klaus to shake slightly and hold Sunny tighter. “I don’t like to brag...Actually, why should I lie to you fools anymore?---I love to brag, and forcing that stupid paranoid bitch to write that note was really something to brag about! What a ninny Josephine was!”

“She was not a ninny!” Klaus cried. “She was kind and sweet!”

“ Sweet? She was willing to trade your pitiful lives for her own! ”Olaf repeated, with a horrible smile. “But, you’re right, Klaus. She was sweet! I bet at this very moment the Lachrymose Leeches are probably finding her very sweet indeed. She might be the sweetest breakfast they ever ate!”

Both children glared at the villain as Mr. Poe frowned and coughed into his handkerchief. “That’s enough of your revolting talk, Olaf!” he said sternly. “We’ve caught you now, and there’s no way you’ll be getting away. The Lake Lachrymose Police Department will be happy to capture a known criminal wanted for fraud, murder, child abuse, and child endangerment.”

Count Olaf gave the Baudelaires a sneaky smile. “And arson ,” he piped up.

Klaus and Sunny looked at him and then at one another.

“Wait? What did you say? ” Klaus asked through gritted teeth.

Before Olaf had a chance to answer, although both Baudelaires knew he wouldn’t have answered Klaus’ question, Mr. Poe looked sternly at Olaf.

“ I said that’s enough! ” he growled. Count Olaf and the Baudelaire orphans looked surprised that Mr. Poe had spoken so sternly. “You have preyed upon these children for the last time, and I am making absolutely sure that you are handed over to the proper authorities. Disguising yourself won’t work. Telling lies won’t work. In fact, there’s nothing at all you can do about your situation.”

“Really?” Olaf asked, and his filthy lips curved up in a Grinch-like smile. “I can think of something I can do..”

“And what is that?” Mr. Poe asked glaring at him.

Count Olaf looked at each one of the Baudelaire orphans, giving each child a smile as if the children were tiny chocolates he was saving to eat for later. Causing Sunny to gulp and Klaus to start shaking again. He then, slowly, smiled at Mr. Poe. “I can run,” he said as he ran. 

Count Olaf ran towards the black automobile that was waiting for him. 

“Get back here!” Mr. Poe yelled.

“We can’t just shout at him!” Klaus shouted. “We have to chase him!”

“I’m not going to allow children to chase after a man like that,” Mr. Poe said to the children, turning towards Olaf. “Stop, I say! Stop right there!”

“We can’t let him escape again !” Klaus begged. “Come on, Sunny!’

“No, no, this is no job for children. He could kidnap you.” Mr. Poe said. “Wait here with your sister, Klaus. I’ll retrieve him!” he called after Olaf again, “ You, there! Stop!” 

“But we can’t wait here!” Klaus cried. “We have to get into a sailboat and look for Aunt Josephine!” She may still be alive!”

“You Baudelaire children are under my care,” Mr. Poe said firmly. “I’m not going to let two small children sail around unaccompanied.”

“But if we hadn’t sailed unaccompanied,” Klaus pointed out, “we’d be in Olaf’s clutches!” 

“That’s not the point, Klaus.” Mr. Poe said and began to walk quickly toward Olaf and the car. Klaus and Sunny rolled their eyes at the fact that Mr. Poe wasn’t even running after Olaf. The children’s hearts sank into their chests as they heard a loudslam! Of the car door. 

“Stop immediately!” Mr. Poe ordered. “Come back here, you unpleasant person!”

Count Olaf rolled down the driver side window of his car as he began to drive away from the children and Mr. Poe. “Don’t worry, Baudelaires! I’ll see you soon, orphans! Very soon! ” 

Klaus sank to the ground holding Sunny tightly. Mr. Poe hurried to a phone booth and called the police, but the children knew that by the time help arrived Count Olaf would be long gone. Utterly exhausted and more than utterly miserable, the Baudelaires huddled together on the ground, sitting glumly in the very same spot where we found them at the beginning of this story.

Sunny turned to her brother. “Haruki?” she asked him, which meant, “What’s that thing Haruki Murakami said?”

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.” Klaus recited in a monotone.

“Pre,” Sunny commented, which meant, “No, before that part.”

“You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over,” Klaus replied sighing.

“Iustum?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Do you think we made the right choice by not running away from Mr. Poe?”

“It doesn’t matter if we made the right choice. All that matters is what happens.” Klaus replied holding his sister closer to him. 

You will remember, the Baudelaires were sitting on their suitcases, hoping that their lives were about to get a little bit better, and I wish I could tell you, here at the end of this episode in their lives, that it was so. I wish I could write that Count Olaf was captured as he tried to flee, or that Josephine came swimming up to Damocles Dock, having miraculously escaped from the Lachrymose Leeches. But it was not so. 

As the two children sat on the damp ground, Olaf was already halfway across the lake and would soon be on board a train, disguised as a rabbi to fool the incompetent police, and I’m sorry to tell you that he was already concocting another scheme to steal the Baudelaire fortune. And thankfully, no amount of research conducting by either my associate and myself, will allow us to know exactly what was happening to Aunt Josephine as the children sat on the dock, unable to help her, but I can say that eventually--about the time when the Baudelaire orphans were forced to attend a miserable boarding school--two fishermen found both of Aunt Josephine’s life jackets, all in tatters and floating alone in the murky waters of Lake Lachrymose.

Usually, in most stories, the villain would be defeated and there would be a happy ending. But in the case of the Baudelaires, everything was wrong. Count Olaf, the villain, had not succeeded with his evil plan, but he certainly hadn’t been defeated, either. Unfortunately, for the Baudelaires this was not a happy ending in the slightest. They were once again alone. Without a home, without a place where they felt as though they belonged, and without their parents. All they had left of their parents were two photographs, several mysteries surrounding them, an inheritance that came with a homicidal maniac, and each other. Both children sat clutching each other as tight as possible wishing that they could just go home. Back to their old home, where they had once lived with their parents, but they couldn’t. The Baudelaire mansion was just a pile of ashes in a vacant lot, and both children knew that they could go never go back there no matter how much they wanted to.

Klaus and Sunny sat on the dock watching the sun come up, hoping for a better tomorrow, hoping for a brighter future. As the Baudelaires sat and watched the dock fill with people as the business of the day began, they figured out something that was very important to them. It dawned on them that unlike Aunt Josephine, who lived up in that death trap she called a home, sad and alone. The two children had one another for comfort and support over the course of their miserable lives. And while this did not make them feel entirely safe, or entirely happy, it made them feel entirely appreciative.

“Thank you, Sunny,” Klaus said appreciatively. “For coming up with the peppermint idea to gain us more time. For coming up with the idea that saved me from dying due to Hurricane Herman, For coming up with the idea of signaling a boat with fire and for biting Olaf’s ridiculous peg leg proving his identity to Mr. Poe.  If it weren’t for you we would now be in Olaf’s clutches.”

Sunny smiled at her brother, “Tanks Klaus!” Sunny said appreciatively, which was her way of thanking him for figuring out Josephine’s hidden message in the note, for figuring out how to convince Aunt Josephine to leave the Curdled Cave, and for being able to create the fire that signaled for help. “Doom,” she said, which meant, “If it weren’t for you, we would now be doomed.”

They leaned closer to one another appreciatively, and small smiled appeared on their damp and anxious faces. Both siblings felt as though having each other in the midst of their unfortunate lives felt like having a ferry in the middle of a hurricane, and to the Baudelaire orphans this felt very fortunate indeed.

____________________________________________________

Lemony sat in his taxi watching as the Baudelaires sat their miserably. He frowned. Larry, who sat in the passenger seat, frowned, too. 

“He got away,” Larry said absentmindedly. “He got away and he killed her,”

“God damn that motherfucker!” Lemony yelled hitting the steering wheel. He began to softly cry. After a moment, he turned to his friend. “I’m just glad he didn’t kill you,”

“Same here,” Larry said. “I’m just glad these children are as resourceful as they are,”

“What now? Will he ever stop?” Lemony asked.

“No. He’s too fixated on revenge. He may never stop…” 

“Is there anything useful we can do?”

“What do you mean? You were plenty useful to them. Do you believe those kids would have been able to get to Curdled Cave in the middle of a hurricane without you?”

“It doesn’t matter! I may have helped but I failed them! I left them there! I left them to fend for themselves and look what happened!”

“Lemony, you can’t blame yourself,” Larry said calmly. “I would’ve done the same thing. You assumed Josephine had everything under control.”

“Well, she didn’t!” 

“I know,” 

“...this is all my fault…” Lemony said absentmindedly.

“Lemony,” 

“No! Don’t try to convince me otherwise! If I hadn’t convinced Beatrice…” 

“Stop. Just stop with that. Beatrice made her own decisions, you didn’t force her.”

“No one could force Beatrice to do anything,” Lemony remarked.

“Exactly! You can’t blame yourself for this entire mess.”

“But I can! Beatrice and Bertrand are dead because of me! Gustav is dead because of me! Monty is dead because of me! Now Josephine is dead because of me!”

“No,” Larry replied firmly. “She’s dead because of Olaf. Gustav is dead because of Olaf. Monty is dead because of Olaf! And we haven’t found the exact cause of the Baudelaire fire but I do know that you didn’t start the blaze. So you didn’t kill them.”

“Actions have consequences. We’re finally getting those consequences.”

“Lemony…”

“No, it’s the truth. And I am fine with taking responsibility for my decisions. But these are innocent children he’s after...they don’t deserve to pay for the sins of their parents or me. They don’t even know me!” 

“You’re right. That’s why we’re intervening and helping as much as we can.”

“It’s not enough,” Lemony replied harshly. “He keeps escaping.”

“Well, we can always recruit them into the organization,” Larry suggested.

“ No!” Lemony cried. “These children are not to be indicted into VFD. Beatrice would not have wanted that.”

“Well, we can kidnap them and you can unofficially adopt them.”

“Trust me, that plan is sounding better and better with each passing day. But with my life on the run, I don’t think that’s a childhood they deserve.” Lemony said guiltily thinking of Violet.

“But this is?” Larry asked. “Being pursued by a homicidal maniac?”

“No...it’s not. This is worse.”

“We don’t have any other options between those two, and they both involving kidnapping those kids.”

“Well, there is one more option you haven’t mentioned yet,” Lemony said in a dark, chilling tone.

“What do you mean?” Larry asked worriedly.

“We could always murder Olaf,” Lemony suggested in a calm tone.

[dear--charlie]

Dear friend,

August 25, 1991 

I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don’t try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don’t want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don’t want you to find me. I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist. I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it’s that simple. At least that’s what I’ve heard. So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. I try to think of my family as a reason for me being this way, especially after my friend Michael stopped going to school one day last spring and we heard Mr. Vaughn’s voice on the loudspeaker. “Boys and girls, I regret to inform you that one of our students has passed on. We will hold a memorial service for Michael Dobson during assembly this Friday.” I don’t know how news travels around school and why it is very often right. Maybe it was in the lunchroom. It’s hard to remember. But Dave with the awkward glasses told us that Michael killed himself. His mom played bridge with one of Michael’s neighbors and they heard the gunshot. I don’t really remember much of what happened after that except that my older brother came to Mr. Vaughn’s office in my middle school and told me to stop crying. Then, he put his arm on my shoulder and told me to get it out of my system before Dad came home. We then went to eat french fries at McDonald’s and he taught me how to play pinball. He even made a joke that because of me he got to skip an afternoon of school and asked me if I wanted to help him work on his Camaro. I guess I was pretty messy because he never let me work on his Camaro before. At the guidance counselor sessions, they asked the few of us who actually liked Michael to say a few words. I think they were afraid that some of us would try to kill ourselves or something because they looked very tense and one of them kept touching his beard. Bridget who is crazy said that sometimes she thought about suicide when commercials come on during TV. She was sincere and this puzzled the guidance counselors. Carl who is nice to everyone said that he felt very sad, but could never kill himself because it is a sin. This one guidance counselor went through the whole group and finally came to me. “What do you think, Charlie?” What was so strange about this was the fact that I had never met this man because he was a “specialist” and he knew my name even though I wasn’t wearing a name tag like they do in open house. “Well, I think that Michael was a nice guy and I don’t understand why he did it. As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me.” I just reread that and it doesn’t sound like how I talk. Especially in that office because I was crying still. I never did stop crying. The counselor said that he suspected that Michael had “problems at home” and didn’t feel like he had anyone to talk to. That’s maybe why he felt all alone and killed himself. Then, I started screaming at the guidance counselor that Michael could have talked to me. And I started crying even harder. He tried to calm me down by saying that he meant an adult like a teacher or a guidance counselor. But it didn’t work and eventually my brother came by the middle school in his Camaro to pick me up. For the rest of the school year, the teachers treated me different and gave me better grades even though I didn’t get any smarter. To tell you the truth, I think I made them all nervous. Michael’s funeral was strange because his father didn’t cry. And three months later he left Michael’s mom. At least according to Dave at lunchtime. I think about it sometimes. I wonder what went on in Michael’s house around dinner and TV shows. Michael never left a note or at least his parents didn’t let anyone see it. Maybe it was “problems at home.” I wish I knew. It might make me miss him more clearly. It might have made sad sense. One thing I do know is that it makes me wonder if I have “problems at home” but it seems to me that a lot of other people have it a lot worse. Like when my sister’s first boyfriend started going around with another girl and my sister cried for the whole weekend. My dad said, “There are other people who have it a lot worse.” And my mom was quiet. And that was that. A month later, my sister met another boy and started playing happy records again. And my dad kept working. And my mom kept sweeping. And my brother kept fixing his Camaro. That is, until he left for college at the beginning of the summer. He’s playing football for Penn State but he needed the summer to get his grades right to play football. I don’t think that there is a favorite kid in our family. There are three of us and I am the youngest. My brother is the oldest. He is a very good football player and likes his car. My sister is very pretty and mean to boys and she is in the middle. I get straight A’s now like my sister and that is why they leave me alone. My mom cries a lot during TV programs. My dad works a lot and is an honest man. My Aunt Helen used to say that my dad was going to be too proud to have a midlife crisis. It took me until around now to understand what she meant by that because he just turned forty and nothing has changed. My Aunt Helen was my favorite person in the whole world. She was my mom’s sister. She got straight A’s when she was a teenager and she used to give me books to read. My father said that the books were a little too old for me, but I liked them so he just shrugged and let me read. My Aunt Helen lived with the family for the last few years of her life because something very bad happened to her. Nobody would tell me what happened then even though I always wanted to know. When I was around seven, I stopped asking about it because I kept asking like kids always do and my Aunt Helen started crying very hard. That’s when my dad slapped me, saying, “You’re hurting your aunt Helen’s feelings!” I didn’t want to do that, so I stopped. Aunt Helen told my father not to hit me in front of her ever again and my father said this was his house and he would do what he wanted and my mom was quiet and so were my brother and sister. I don’t remember much more than that because I started crying really hard and after a while my dad had my mom take me to my room. It wasn’t until much later that my mom had a few glasses of white wine and told me what happened to her sister. Some people really do have it a lot worse than I do. They really do. I should probably go to sleep now. It’s very late. I don’t know why I wrote a lot of this down for you to read. The reason I wrote this letter is because I start high school tomorrow and I am really afraid of going. Love always, Charlie (CHBOSKY, Stephen. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (1999). MTV Books, 2010.)

[kyukyus-world]

Red Flag Characters Always Say in Movies

Do you know that sinking feeling of finally putting all the pieces together of an unrealistically tragic picture? Yeah, everyone has that ONE day. Even if you haven’t felt it, surely, your life will not pass without ever experiencing it. And if you ever know someone blessed enough to never have felt this and they’re now resting six feet under the ground, then good for them. They must be so fucking happy to be blessed by all the gods existing (or not, I’m an Atheist) in the universe. They must be taking all their time pitying me right now.

Because I have just finally inserted that one fucking piece of a lifesized puzzle (because what really is the size of a lifesize? Can you ever put measurement to life?) that’s been missing for like, forever.

It’s just funny how when you’re living a fairly happy and peaceful life, you just have to say the red flag phrase and just fucking ruin everything.

“Wow, I’ve never been happier!”

“Everything is going smoothly in my life.”

“Gosh, I’m so fortunate in life.”

So, if you’re feeling comfortable in your current life lately, I’m telling you, never ever ever say what contentment you’re feeling. Or else.

That’s what I just did last week.

You know, my friends are currently having their midlife crisis and are all just opening up with me. While listening to their stories, I just felt I was fortunate enough in life that I’m doing well right now. I have three clients who are paying well, I have a partner and living in an apartment but without a plus one kid, and I’m currently planning to buy my first car.

So I said, “Wow, I should be happy that I’m at least fortunate enough to have all of this.”

But you know, saying those words is just a signal for a disaster in the new season of your life.

And as for me, it’s all the childhood trauma coming back to haunt me.

Why are you not coming in our house?

Are you mad at me? 

- Mom

Wow, those words just hit me. As soon as I felt bad for not visiting my mom, it also went away fast–exchanged with a feeling of resentment and realization that yeah, that must be it. I must be angry at her.

So that is the reason why despite having a good paying job, a supportive partner, and wonderful friends I can always count on, I’m still not really happy. I still stay up late, distracting myself or just staring at the ceiling mindlessly until my alarm goes off. That alarm is not for me to wake up. It’s actually a sign that my partner will wake up soon and he hates it when I stay up late.

I will sleep for about two to three hours until my partner goes to work and leave me alone in the apartment. And then I stay awake again, staring at the ceiling and feeling empty. And I don’t know why I’m feeling that way. I don’t have any reason to be sad. I’m healthy, financially capable, and having a peaceful life. But why?

Are you mad at me?

Reading those words made me realize everything.

I am actually not happy and I can never be truly happy.

Everything my mom and my family did when I was young are still engraved deep in my bone. It’s so deep that it’s running in my blood. I can see it. I can smell it. I can hear it. I can taste it. I can feel it. I… still think about it. The trauma.

I just feel so sad and even if I tell this to anyone, they will just think that this too shall pass. They will just give me half-hearted answers to make me feel better. 

And everyone is already having a bad time in their life. I don’t want to add more problem to their already problematic life.

But, what if I really need someone right now?  What if I need help?

I can’t even work anymore no matter how I love money. I can’t get up and go out, buy some groceries or go to a coffeeshop. I tried dressing up and making myself look pretty but I just noticed how ugly my textured skin and large pores are. I realized my eyebrows looks like two giant caterpillars but I don’t have any skills to fix them. My eyelashes are extra short and no amount of mascara could save them.

Not to mention my eyes are so dull and they cant even see clearly. I mean, of all the eyes, why these????

And don’t even get me started with by body because this will never end.

I searched for ways to feel more energetic and happy but doing so requires effort and energy and so it quickly became an endless cycle.

Are you now asking me to stop talking nonsense and talk about my trauma? Me, an indenial girl who’s been living as a black sheep of her family in her 24 years of life? Not a fat chance.

Or maybe I’ll just write about it next time when I’m more drunk than I am now.

[briangroth27]

Incredibles 2 Review

I absolutely loved Incredibles 2! It's a great time at the movies and definitely worth the 14-year wait. I was initially skeptical of it picking up seconds after the original, but I think the story threads here—particularly Jack-Jack's (Eli Fucile, Nick Bird) development and the Anti-Super laws—needed to be dealt with onscreen rather than off.  I liked that they reversed the structure of the first movie and had Helen (Holly Hunter) go off on the adventures while Bob (Craig T. Nelson) stayed at home to watch the kids. Even better, this switch was rooted in statistical facts that Elastigirl was the most effective and efficient hero between herself, Bob, and Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson). Since so much of her Elastigirl persona was left in the past in the original movie because she’d moved on in life while Bob hadn’t really, showing Helen truly loving her work and being great at it was a perfect moment that let us see a whole new side to her. Seeing Helen so overjoyed at getting to be a hero again—and being great at it, with no collateral casualties—was excellent! It was also nice to see that she had detective skills; a good contrast to Bob smashing his way through problems (and which have probably have helped her deduce what her kids are up to over the years!). That her heroic competence was truly valued outside her family circle and by the people who wanted to use her to push their politics Bob Odenkirk, Catherine Keener) was a genuine and welcome surprise; I'd love to see more female heroes respected and revered the way Elastigirl is here. Bob playing Mr. Mom was a lot of fun, even if I’m more than ready for a competent parenting duo instead of the always-effective mom and the cliché overwhelmed dad. That said, Bob’s battle with Dash's (Huck Milner) new math, Violet's (Sarah Vowell) teenage angst, and Jack-Jack's terrible toddling was extremely relatable and a great change from the superhero midlife crisis we saw in the original. I enjoyed Bob’s playful ego about being the better hero in his marriage and loved that it was balanced by genuinely caring that Helen had the space to do what she needed to do. That sort of loving/selfish balance is an extremely difficult line to walk but the writing and acting totally pull it off without making him unlikable (and it's not even hinted or implied that Helen is in any way selfish either). It was especially sweet of Bob not to tell Helen what was going on with the family not because he didn't want to come off as incompetent, but because he knew she'd stop her mission. Yes, he benefits from her completing it, but I fully believe that he also wants the better future for his kids that Helen can secure. I would've liked to see more of Dash and Violet in general, and particularly their school lives. Dash has homework trouble and Tony (Michael Bird), the boy Violet made a date with, forgets her (a cool example of superhero lives wreaking havoc on civilian ones as well as the law affecting the Parrs in an unexpected way), but the Anti-Super laws would've been stronger if we'd seen the kids’ lack of choice Bob talks about. Violet wanting to be normal and Dash being "defined as a person" by heroism does play out that choice, but we don't really get to see consequences of the laws in terms of impacts on the kids. Does having to come in second place in track rankle Dash? And if he's defined by being a hero, how does he feel about having to hide at school?  Is anyone suspicious of his speed? Does Dash have to fight to control himself when confronted by bullies that openly hate Supers? By teachers who preach that Supers are bad and should be illegal? Playing up the questionable aspects of the first movie's ending—is he cheating by using his speed, even for second place? How is not living up to his potential affecting his development?—would've built up a lot more pressure on the need to make Supers legal again. Violet hating being a Super made her a good proponent for not being legalized, though I would’ve liked more of that as well. How much of her tragic love life is really angst about not being able to be herself? Maybe she could’ve gotten involved with a student organization to keep Supers illegal, pitting her against her mom’s efforts. What if she discovered another Super kid at school and was forced to choose between outing them or letting them stay hidden? Might she find that pretending to be normal at school is simply boring or stifling her in ways she doesn’t want to admit? That said, I loved what we did get from Dash and Violet and absolutely dug Jack-Jack's awakening powers! The idea that Super babies often have multiple abilities is a very cool metaphor for kids having unlimited potential and it also made for a lot of fun, varied action scenes. His battle with a raccoon was highly entertaining and his unexpected bond with Edna Mode (Brad Bird) was a brilliant twist! Edna discovering a role as a loving aunt was as hilarious as it was heartwarming and a great way to reveal a new dimension of her character. Frozone is always a welcome addition and it was great to see more of him here, both as a "rebel" with Bob and Helen trying to get the Anti-Super law reversed, as a protective uncle to the Parr kids, and finally a hypnotized enemy. I’d like to finally meet his wife Honey (Kimberly Adair Clark) though. It's beyond time she was more than just a nagging influence taking the joy out of his superheroics (though I like that she knows her worth!). I really hope she’s also a retired Super so we can see what the two of them are like outside of their home. Or, it would’ve been easy to make her a Lois Lane-type figure, so she could cover Helen’s return to prominence and at least get a moment of bonding with her. Either of those options would be great and I’d like to see their relationship explored somewhere. I knew who Screenslaver (Bill Wise) was almost immediately, but that didn’t lessen my love for this character at all. The hypnotism was a spooky and old-fashioned angle that felt totally fresh and fit the retro-futurist world of The Incredibles perfectly! Screenslaver also managed to comment on modern concerns about social media obsession, which was a nice bit of relatability (just like Bob and Dash's struggle with new math) while remaining rooted in the films’ era, when TVs were the hip new thing everyone was obsessed with. Screenslaver was a creepy, cool villain who topped Syndrome for me. I just wish his argument—that people were getting lazy and becoming too dependent on Supers—was more explored with examples of people being "less" because of superheroes (beyond hearing about a death caused by waiting on one). Maybe Screenslaver should’ve been saved for a movie set after the law against Supers was lifted, but slightly clearer examples of his point here would’ve worked just as well. I feel like his argument would be stronger if we got to see Supers making things too easy or if more people were put in peril because they waited for Supers to fix their problems instead of the big argument against heroes being the collateral damage their fights cause. That said, I absolutely loved this villain and would definitely be down for a Screenslaver return! Underminer (John Ratzenberger) was also a cool, second-tier villain that felt like a classic comic book bad guy. He's clearly patterned off of Mole Man, but that didn't matter to me; it was kinda refreshing (and appropriately old-school, given these movies’ time period) to see a villain who just wanted to rob banks. He also provided a good way to reintroduce the family's heroic dynamic and to showcase Bob and Helen's different fighting styles while complicating their lives further, building off the end of the first movie brilliantly. I liked that it became a strike against the heroes that he was forgotten in the scramble to stop his drills and that he actually got away. The new Supers that were introduced didn't make the biggest impression, but I preferred this to more focus on a bunch of random new people who would take screentime from the Parrs. I did like Voyd (Sophia Bush) a lot; her fangirl attitude toward Elastigirl was fun and she was a nice answer to Syndrome's toxic fandom. I hope she returns in a sequel! Krushauer (Phil LaMarr) was a solid threat and got some good and funny lines in, while Screech playing up his full animalistic nature was creepy and something I hope Daredevil does with Owl Jr. These wannabe Supers did bring a variety of challenges to the final battle, so as secondary adversaries go, they worked perfectly. All the fight scenes contained very clever uses of everyone’s powers and were choreographed with an insane amount of fun and imagination! The numerous powers on display also made for battles that were never uninteresting. Even Bob's Incredibile got a nice showcase here as a display of the retro tech in this universe. I love the design of this world in general, but classic spy and superhero aesthetics like that are my favorite parts; I wish more superhero franchises would embrace stylized elements like this to carve out their own identities. Speaking of classic aesthetics, I loved that Bob, Helen, and Lucius had their own old-timey superhero theme songs! Michael Giacchino’s music was great as always, but those themes were great surprises! Brad Bird's direction was crisp and the writing emotionally resonate, bringing the heart of the first movie back at full force.  I can't wait to see what comes next from this world! I hope we don't have to wait another 14 years for Incredibles 3 (and I didn't need the apology/”trust us the wait was worth it” video that played at the beginning of this one; it only made us wait longer!), but I definitely want to see more adventures in this universe. Now that Supers are allowed again, I’d love for the next movie to introduce Dash and Violet's trouble-making cousins as wannabe supervillain bad influences. Cousins would bring aunts and uncles who have differing parenting styles from Bob and Helen, as well as Bob and Helen’s in-laws, who have their own opinions on how to “correctly” be heroes as well as parents. I'm thinking Christmas Vacation with superheroes, but whatever the next film is, I'll be in line to see it! While we wait, you should see Incredibles 2! It's among Pixar's best and definitely worth seeing on the big screen!

Check out more of my reviews, opinions, and original short stories here!

[robotnik-mun]

I usually have answer for questions like these...but what specifically about Mobius: XYL made it so horrendous that not even someone with actual writing talent like Flynn could save it? I'd say that it was just a blank slate and that any competent writer could fix it.

*Sighs, pulls out a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass. Pours the glass. Takes the shot* 

Alright, before I get into the specifics, I’m gonna contextualize a few things for you. I want you to picture a comic book, one built primarily (but not exclusively) around action, and despite the intense quality issues it tends to suffer from its still pretty popular, with a fairly vocal fanbase. One day a character is teased- the daughter of a major character, hinting towards an amazing story that will show the future of your favorite characters. Years past, the hype builds up. A hint of what’s to come is given in a story where this mystery character is featured, pulling forth an intriguing scenario in which her father, one of the heroes, will become a villain years later. 

Finally it is announced- at long last, this much anticipated storyline is going to happen! We’re going to see the future of the setting, the future of the characters and their offspring! Oh, what things will await? What mysteries will build in the interim? What new villains will operate in the future? What will the children of the heroes be like? 

Well, eventually, the storyline finally comes. All that waiting, all that excitement and hype, all of that theorizing... and all it amounted to was a fart in the wind, all noise and fury signifying nothing. 

That, in a nutshell, was Mobius 25YL. 

Now let us get into specifics. Forgive me if I miss anything, for there is a LOT to get into, so I’ll just summarize what comes off the top of my head. 

-Firstly, there was Lara-Su herself. Oh, poor Lara-Su. That’s really one of the great tragedies of the Pre-Flynn era. She had the design. She had the concept. She had the hype- people were doing fanart and fanfiction of her long before she debuted properly in the book. And then 25YL came along, and what we saw was... 

....yeah, that. See, it turned out that she wasn’t being trained as a guardian. She was just a normal leading a normal teenage life, and my GOD it was boring. Our opening scene involves her thumping her stupid cousin on the head with a book for insulting the Guardians, and this? This is how she became a Guardian. After everything we had been led to believe, everything we had been wanting to see, the mysterious, much-anticipated Daughter of Knuckles... turned out to be a whiny, entitled little rich girl who literally whined her way into being a Guardian. Not that we got a chance to see her tenure as a guardian, oooh no- it was FAR more important to see her sweet sixteen and a sleepover with her friends, and of course pool party antics. Which brings us to the next point....

-...namely that this story went *nowhere*. Like it was literally the last few issues that the damn plot moved forward and reached a climax. THe build-up took a back seat to what Penders evidently felt was what the audieance REALLY wanted- DOMESTIC DRAMA! Marvel in Lara-Su getting in fights at school because someone had an opinion! Wonder in the glories of her sweet sixteen! Behold the pool parties! Amaze at Sonic’s son being a little pervert! Hey, do you know what we needed more of? Sonic and Knuckles getting in a belching contest at a dinner party! And so on and so forth- the whole thing was basically a domestic drama, a really, really cheesy and badly written one, and these aspects of the story overtook everything else. Even worse, this story dragged on and on and on at a snails pace, and as I said, the only remotely exciting thing happened literally within the last few issues, with the build up being drawn out and unengaging. 

-The future was boring. Very, very boring, and even worse, we were told exactly how it got that way. What portions of the story weren’t dedicated to observing the Domestic Life Of The Teenage Echidna were spent infodumping and expositing about the events of the past that led to the present time. And at the present time? Everything was so peachy and perfect it could make you sick. There was no danger, no new menaces to fight in the Post-Robotnik Mobius, everything was just bland and happy and nooo real problems whatsoever. The Kingdom of Acorn now ruled Mobius, and Angel Island was now a superpower, and all the enemies of the past were either defeated or domesticated (more on that below). There was nothing to draw people in. No conflict to engage the readers. Even worse, ss this at the time was regarded as ‘the’ future and not just a ‘What-If’ (the debate of which caused an infamous feud between Penders and Bollers), the exposition ensured that there could not even be a potential mystery in figuring out how things got to this point, because the entire future was now laid bare before us. And since we now knew that this achingly perfect and tranquil future was to come, and exactly HOW Eggman was going to be defeated, there was little reason to become invested in past stories. What’s the point of sticking around when you know how its all gonnna go? Every conflict that took place in the past was now rendered irrelevant thanks to this future, which pretty much gave away the ending. 

-On top of all that, the developments of the characters from the past who were featured in this future were... nonsensical, and in some cases deeply insulting. Knuckles, for example, who had grown up in the wilderness away from cities and the like, was now in a position of power as not only Guardian but the head of the EST, and living very comfortably in a manor, with a maid of all things. Even accounting for the fact that the years change people, this doesn’t really feel like the kind of life Knuckles would ever want to live or COULD ever want to live, instead feeling like a reflection of Penders’ own ideal for what a happy ending should look like. Worse though was what happened to Julie-Su... while her depiction as such was not always very stellar, there was at least a token amount of effort applied to depicting her as a capable soldier and action girl, and prior to the release of this he swore up and down that she would STILL be a badass. This was false. This was very, very false. She was pretty much a stay at home mom who did upkeep on the house, acting as a *painfully* cliche ‘50s Housewife’ at utter odds with her prior depiction. While there is nothing wrong with being a domestic or anything like that, the fact was that this was definitely not how anybody ever wanted to see Julie-Su, and even worse, despite Penders’ touting of the ‘non-traditional’ nature of their marriage (which I should add was a reflection of the fact that he and his own wife operate under a common-law marriage), the fact of the matter was that the marriage was even MORE tradtional and bland than most marriages in media at that time. 

And it didn’t end there either. Sonic was now King of the world and pretty much going through a midlife crisis, and Sally, who actually WAS a leader of men during her youth and Queen of Mobius, was now happy and content with taking a backseat to Sonic and letting him make all the major decisions. There are many arguments about whether or not Sonic should have ever been a king or if it fits his character, but the point of order is, nobody at all wanted to see THIS from Sonic, or Sally. The decision to make him King was especially baffling because in real life, that’s not how European monarchy’s work. Sonic is not nobility, and even if he were, his lower rank would ensure that he would only ever be a prince or a regent at best, while Sally would be the one calling the shots thanks to her being higher ranked than him to begin with. 

And then there was Lien-Da. Recall how I said some threats became domesticated? Well this here is Exhibit A- wanna now what kind of future Lien-Da has after a lifetime of terrorism, deceit and murder? She’s living comfortabltly in suburbia with her son (with no mention or hint of who the father could be), and is just so gosh darned chummy with her half-sister that they gossip like a couple of old hens. I mean sure, Lien-Da helped murder Julie’s mother and their father, and then had Julie mindwiped twice-over, to say nothing of spending generations trying to murder the Guardians, but it’s all coooool, brah! No hard feelings, no bad blood whatsoever! Why, even Dimitri himself confirms that all of Lien-Da’s ambitions would never ever come true anyway, so hey, why carry a grudge? Family trumps all!

Yeah, I digress. Whatever people envisioned for the future of the characters they loved, this wasn’t it. At all. 

-The kids sucked, both as characters and from a design standpoint. For visuals, Lara-Su got off easy, having a reasonably unique and recognizable design that made her an instant hit with a lot of fans... the fact that Penders didn’t design her might have had something to do with that though. Everyone else? Clone children. Clone children as far as the eye can see. Literally they were all just traces of their parents with different clothes, and they had even less going on with regards to personality. The one with the most distinct personality was Manik, who was such a loathesome little creeper that everyone kind of wished he really WAS just as bland and forgettable as everyone else. While obviously children are gonna resemble their parents, making them flat out clones was just a step too far (sadly this would plague the sequel series as well). There have been many fan ideas and conceptions of what the children of our heroes would look like- all of them were better, or at least made more of an effort, than this. 

-While the book might have been called “Mobius: 25 Years Later”, it was actually more like “Angel Island Twenty Five Years Later”. Given that this storyline started out as a special called Knuckles: Twenty Years Later, this isn’t really that unexpected, but for a storyline that billed itself as the future of Mobius itself, the focus on Angel Island at the expense of everything else left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. WHile it would be impossible to cover everyone, it was Knuckles and his family that got the most coverage, with the extended cast getting cameos or token mentions regardless of how important they were in the past. Bunnie and Antoine didn’t show up, Tails only showed up much later, we barely get any action from the other Chaotix... you get the idea. Even worse, Knuckles was pretty much revealed to be the destined savior of the planet, the one to finally defeat Eggman instead of Sonic, and the reveal of what was causing problems in the future would eventually be revealed to be SOnic’s fault! The Knuckles favoritism was incredibly grating, and incredibly disappointing. People wanted to see the future of *Mobius*, not JUST all the parts most relevant to Knuckles. This was the storylien that really did much to establish how little Penders cared about the title character of the series and how hellbent he was on ensuring the ‘legacy’ of his personal pet despite the Knuckles series having been gone for years by that point. 

-On a retroactive front, the reveal of Rotor being gay, or rather the rationale and circumstances of it, did a lot to taint the perception of the series. Even when the series was going on, Penders hinted that one of the cast was gay, and didn’t reveal who it was until years after he had left the book...it just happened to be Rotor, who just happened to be tortured in the new 30YL storyline while his supposed lover, Cobor, was dead. That he timed the reveal in such a way that it made Flynn look like a homophobe was suspect enough, but his reasoning behind the reveal was especially troubling, with him declaring that Rotor was gay due to his shyness. Adding insult to injury, there was absolutely no chemistry between Cobor and Rotor, like at all. In a fandom where two characters so much as looking at eachother too long can result in shipping, this was especially noteworthy, as nobody at all shipped Cobor and Rotor before the reveal... and after, for that matter. Penders loudly patting himself on the back for this despite how little he had done in-story to indicate it did a lot to taint the storyline in people’s eyes, and forever made Rotor’s sexuality a touchy subject due to knowing that Penders would always be eager to take credit for it despite having done nothing to build it up. While there was only so much one could really do at the time it was written, that doesn’t excuse the fact that there was so little affection and so little to read into with regards to Cobor and Rotor, due to the fact that believable, human interaction is well beyond Penders’ capacity as a writer. 

There is probably more I am not considering. Anyone who has anything to add is free to do so. But in conclusion? For everything that this story promised to be, and for all the ways that promise was broken, this whole thing became a black hole of wasted potential, a vortex of suckage that would consume everything in proximity, and that is why despite everything, a lot of people are not that eager to see it re-visted, believing that its just impossible to un-anchor it from the awful, awful story that spawned, and that there is nothing worth salvaging from it. 

They might have a point. 

[joa123]

Chapter 1: Oblivion

*Knock knock*, that was about the tenth knock I heard on the door. Damn these fucking loan sharks and furniture people didn’t rest. I even caught one trying to turn the knob on the front door. Can you believe that. Son of a bitch was actually crazy enough to think that I had left the door open. What the hell did he think I was gonna do, let him come in, sit on my couch and eat my pop tarts, and let him berate me for 2 hours as to why I was late for the fifth week in a row, again, fuck that. If I just stand here long enough they have to leave eventually. It looks like mom forgot to pay Rent-a-Center for the 5th week in a row. Not at all surprising to be honest. But what did I expect. We were struggling to keep our heads above water for some time and at this point struggling had become an art form. Hiding from loan sharks was the tequila that burned the back of my throat and hiding from these assholes was the lemon that quenched the burn.

My knees were hurting from leaning over on the floor trying to look under the door to make sure the rent-a-center collectors had left. They started getting smart on me. Covering up the peephole so that way I would just reluctantly open the door without looking. HA! Those morons, their balls would fall off before they saw this pretty face again. After about 5 more minutes I left to my room and locked the door. I threw off my shirt, pants and accidentally flung a sneaker at the mirror from trying to take it off so bad and walked to my bathroom. It was probably the only thing good about living in this freaking house. I had my own bathroom. Not that it mattered a whole a lot considering my mom walked in whenever the fuck it suited her. Jesus Christ, Dominican parents are the worst. If you don’t live with them they bitch and moan about how you never visit them. And if you do live in their house and pay about 80% of the bills in this bitch like I do, you get no privacy.

You have to send out memos and public service announcements to let everyone and their mother know when and if your going to fuck, shower or shave and how often your gonna do it, just to make sure that someone unexpectedly doesn’t pop in and witness your tit halfway down someone’s throat. That is if you have tits, if you have something else, then just use your imagination. Over the years I had begun to hate being home. Vacations to me were a must every so often and I felt like I was losing oxygen all the time. I felt trapped, unfulfilled and literally felt like everyone was moving on with their lives.

They say never peer through someone’s window unless you want to live in the house, but from the outside looking in, anything is better than this. I mean look at me, Jo. Living in the same house I lived in since my senior year of high school, and I’m about to turn 26. And let me be clear, there's nothing wrong with being a fully grown adult and living at home, it just wasn’t my cup of rum. Besides this house felt tainted and dirty, not to mention the shit it has seen over the years. I mean I’ve been through 9 jobs, 5 boyfriends, 4 cats, 3 graduations, 2 siblings born, 2 cars.

But today was the day I was out of my wits. Anyone, from old man jenkins to the girl scouts could catch a beating. Real life lately had depleted me of any and all available fucks I had left to give. I needed something exciting, fulfilling, new and life changing. I had just started a new job in the city, I thought maybe that would do the trick. New environment, new people and it seemed easy enough. But I always felt empty. I slipped into the tub with seething hot water, hoping it would burn off the stench of misery. Today had just been a particularly rough day. Nothing and I mean nothing was going my way. Bill collectors were calling, the mailbox was filled with disconnection notices, it felt like my world was caving in. And all mom could do was cry. If you’re wondering why I don’t mention Dear old Dad, well don’t. I don’t necessarily have a problem with him. I guess if you’re an outsider looking in, he’s funny, charismatic and great with friends. The man could sell you water.

But if you’re on the inside looking out, like me, I can’t unsee the manipulative, devious, wife beating, bastard that he is. Nothing about him said father to me, and nothing about him made me want to reach out and try, so I never did. And here I am, 2 arms, 2 legs and a head later. Still walking, still breathing, still living. Well, surviving was more like it, but he didn’t need to know those details now did he. Once I saw that the tub filled up to a decent depth I closed the nozzle and let the heat overwhelm me. It felt amazing. As if the beating that reality was giving me was almost all worth it for this...well, I did say almost.

The water felt like a much needed embrace. I watched as the water first covered my toes, my legs then my stomach and watched as it eventually worked its way to my face. I completely submerged underwater, wetting my hair and felt the smooth liquid finally take my hair with it. I stayed underwater for bit, wanting the dirt from this weeks headaches to run away from my scalp. When I emerged I felt cleansed and soothed. I laid there for a few minutes, letting my thoughts run through me. I was so over it, if you know what I mean. I felt as though peace had evaded me and it has been that way for years now. I started to think, when is it all going to stop. The thinking, pondering, the yearning. Then I thought to myself maybe I should just take up a hobby, maybe that would make me feel better.

But what could be something that isn’t time consuming, expensive, yet that was invigorating and could stir up passion in me? I thought maybe writing would suit me. I had always loved English, loved reading stories and deciphering meanings, analyzing characters, maybe I could write about my shitty life and how there were days when I so badly wanted to end it. “I don’t know, I’ll think about it”, I said to no one in particular. The problem with me has always been that I lose interest in things quickly. If I start painting I'll like it for about a week. Then I’ll get bored and move onto something else or even worse, I’ll stay on airplane mode and wont even attempt to try something else. I have grown comfortable with mediocrity. What’s even worse, was that I wasn’t even attempting to make change, I just existing. Slowly but surely blending in with the rest of the mundane world. I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt my promise ring effortlessly slip off of my finger and fall to the bottom of the tub. Goosebumps ravaged my body and it felt as if someone had pulled it off and let the ring slip though their fingers. Which was strange since it fit perfectly. But maybe I had fiddled with it while I was sorting through my midlife crisis and hadn’t noticed thatI had loosened the grip on the ring.

I turned around in my tub so as to face the drain to catch the ring before it swam down the drain. It felt like the ring was running away from me. I kept smacking the bottom of the tub trying to grab the ring and it felt as though every time it slipped away, the ring was laughing at me. After about a minute of this charade, just when I thought I grabbed it, something entirely different grabbed me. I didn’t understand it then, but in that instance I was pulled under. By what, I don’t know, seeing as that my bathtub was only a foot and a half deep and about 3 feet wide, and this is me being generous.

What the hell could possibly be dragging me down a drain. A better question would be how the hell do I even fit in the damn thing. I felt as though I had gone through a door. Everything was pitch black, I felt movement but I couldn’t move myself, whoever or whatever pulled me under had an iron grip and was not about to let me go. Let it be noted that the had, although forceful in purpose, seemed soft and smooth to the touch, even though we were under water, or at least I think I’m underwater. Through my eyelids I could see colors both bright and beautiful. They reminded me of when you get hit across the face and all of the sudden these colorful circles would dance around your face.

It was strange that I couldn’t smell anything, I’m usually really big on smell. I couldn’t hear anything either I heard water splashing but I was neither wet, hot or cold. “What kind of fuckery is this,'' I thought to myself. Oh yea did I mention I couldn’t talk either? So any thought of asking my captive, “hey asshole, where exactly am I going butt ass naked”, was obviously out of the question. I finally hit the ground on what felt like dirt and rocks. It felt plush, the ground was soft and moist, not a great combination for the face but better than landing on concrete. I stood up immediately assuming the fighting position, I looked like I was in the middle of realizing I was high as a kite, knowing damn and full well I was acting ridiculous because I was high. I was ready, ready for what exactly I didn't know, but whatever brought me out of my bathtub was not about to catch me off guard, not if I could help it. Whatever happened, I was going down swinging.

I took a good luck around me, and just that quickly, all of the fight left my breath. The scenery before me captivated me and rendered me still. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Fields of grass and several different types of flowers laid before me for miles. Daisies, daffodils, sunflowers, you name it, all bloomed vibrantly and filled the air with rich fluorescent smells, and saturated the scene with vivid colors. It was as if the earth began and would end in this one place. The garden of Eden was a child’s coloring project posted on the refrigerator compared to what I was looking at. Further past the flowers was a mountain. The contrast between its snowy white peak mixed with the dark colors of the earth with the greens reds and oranges of the field, made the scenario all the more picturesque and surreal. Just when I was beginning to notice that there was no sign of life I noticed butterflies, at least that’s what they looked like, fluttering about I noticed that they had kaleidoscope colored wings that were transparent. This contrasted with the black details and definition of their antennas.

They were beautiful works of art that flew majestically. Unbeknownst to them, I envied them. Not only were they indescribably beautiful, but they were free, free of burden, free of remorse, debt, hatred and all of the things that plagued me on the inside. I bet they didn’t even know how beautiful they were or how pure they seemed. After all, how could something so beautiful carry any sort of malevolence. How I longed to be this free and transparent with my surroundings. I wanted to feel anxiety free, stress free. Perhaps if given time, this too can happen for me. “One day”, I muttered to myself. Just as I was about to grab this so called butterfly, as I was mere inches away from it, it popped right in front of me, as if I was blowing bubbles. It disappeared completely and not a single trace of it was left. “This day is just getting weirder and weirder”, I said to no one in particular.

I decided to walk around and see if I found anything to give me a clue as to where I was. The atmosphere was so clean, warm and inviting. I couldn’t really describe it. I was feeling everything at once. Happy, excited, wanted. It had felt as though no matter how nervous I should be in the not knowing where I was, nothing mattered more than being in this very place right here, right now. I had noticed that not a single piece of trash littered the ground anywhere. How the city paled in comparison to this paradise. There was no smell of waste, no debris, nothing even remotely unattractive.

Whoever came up with this place, must’ve been God himself. I saw a stream and walked towards it wanting to see if I recognized any animals. It was a dumb idea, I know but call me optimistic. I walked over to the bank, knelt down as carefully as I could not wanting to fall in the small body of water and risk getting wet this time. I looked at my reflection and it suddenly hit me. Why wasn’t I wet? Or cold? Or naked? I looked over at my reflection closer this time and saw that I was wearing what I could only describe as a large sheet cloth with an off white color.

The dress wasn't accentuating my curves at all, but nor did it make me look or feel any less feminine. I had just realized right then and there that this was the first time that I had seen myself all day. Lately I had felt so disgusted and disappointed in my life that I had left the thoughts of vanity to elsewhere. I brushed my hair aside and tucked it behind my ear. I had just recently cut it into a bob hoping that was the change I needed, sadly it was not. I got a good look at my tan skin, very smooth and blemish free, my small head in which I saw the high cheekbones, a plump bottom lip,a nose that I finally grew into and hazel eyes with a slight hint of yellow with an eerie glow. “What a minute”, I said silently as I leaned in closer to the water and was shook. My eyes were glowing. There was no way of unseeing what I saw. Not only did I see the yellow glow beam from my eyes. I could feel it. It felt as though my eyes were so bright from within me that it bothered me to have them open for too long.

I stood up quickly as if not looking in to the water would make what I saw any less true. I walked backwards, turned around on my heel and once turned around, tripped over a vine on the ground. My hand landed on what felt like a shoe. I looked up, effectively shaking the dirt off of my chin and saw a rather shiny shoe, both sturdy and leather. I looked up with hesitation and saw the most beautiful deep sea green eyes stare right back at me. The owner wasn’t half bad either. As I steadied myself back to my feet I noticed he was excessively tall probably around 6’4, if I had to guess with strong arms, a puffed up chest, steal muscles, and long hair, right around shoulder length but definitely longer than mine.

He was about two shades darker than me in skin tone. with a straight nose, high cheekbones and powerful legs that could probably outrun a horse. Yup, this dude definitely took his fitness seriously. He looked calm, yet a little too smug for my liking. I thought I’d take the initiative in the conversation seeing as we both stood what felt like an eternity staring at each other and neither one of us said a word. Although I have to admit my stare was more like ogling him with googly eyes, his was more out of curiosity and yet, with a slight hint of satisfaction. Almost as if he had caught what he was looking for. “So is the part where you try to kidnap me and I fight you to the death or what”, sure that’s what you say to a guy twice your size. He cocked his head to the side, it reminded me of when you were disciplining a puppy and it didn’t understand what you were saying. “I am confused, do you think me capable of hurting you,''he said calmly and soothingly. I could hear this guy talk to me all day. It definitely was not the answer I was expecting, but I’ll roll with it for now.

“Well I just fell through my shower drain into a magical universe with a Thor looking wanna be I don’t know, so my guess is yes Hercules”. The scrunched look on his brow indicated how annoyed he was at my description of him. “I am not Hercules, my name is Magales, warrior of the Western Pavilion and I am here on an assignment of which I intend to complete”. If his physique wasn’t going to make me like him even more, his name sure as hell would do the trick. He was sexy, in an ancient kind of way. His body was young looking but he looked wiser beyond his years. He looked to be about 30 years of age, but could pass off as someone in their mid twenties. The man named Magales folded his arms and held his position, letting it be known that he wasn’t budging. “Oh yea and what sort of assignment is that? Cause from over here it looks like your trying to win a staring contest”. He took two steps and was meet inches from my face. I was stunned at how broodily gorgeous he was. “ I am here to return you back to the land where you belong. With that being said, Welcome home, Guardian.

[stonersolana]

Baby Butterfly - (miracusims)

hey Bully!! Papa!Louis!! @bullysquadess @miracusims

Louis -

“Ten more minutes, Mari. Okay? There should be ice cream there,” he grinned and made a slow turn into the neighbourhood. “But remember our deal.”

“Sandwiches first, then ice cream,” Mari smiled and started giggling when Louis tickled her tummy with one hand.

Her black hair fell into her face as she wiggled, her face flushing pink as she squealed. “Papa! Papa, stop!”

Louis pulled up to the large Gothic house and parked behind his parents car, turning off the engine. He unbuckled his daughter and held her on his lap, facing him. She wiggled around impatiently, her rounded bottom lip sticking out.

“When we go in, please stay by my side, okay? I know everything is new, but I would really like it if you stayed next to me until I can find your cousins, okay? Then I’ll let you go play,” Louis said, holding onto her little chubby hands. Three years of being her father had gone by so fast and he can honestly say he has not gotten any less protective of her. She was just so small and curious and he always remembered how she used to fit safely into the circle of his arms.

She had the Agreste eyes, that’s how he was sure she was his. He never even asked for a test. Now, she was three and meeting the whole family for the first time and even though he trusted everyone in that house, some part of him would always worry. Mari always had a habit of getting herself into trouble, just like he used to. He could never tell if he was proud of that or worried.

“I promise, Papa.”

That promise was immediately broken minutes after they walked through the doors. His sister Emma nearly pounced on him, locking him into a hug like a vice. After years on the team, her body was pure muscle and could easily crush him. God, how he had missed her.

“Hey, little brother! It’s been so long. You live in the same damn city now, where the fuck have you been? Everyone’s been worried about -” Emma started but she cut her sentence off when she noticed the little girl at her brother’s pant leg, looking down at the floor. “Oh, hello! I’m your Auntie Emma. Your cousin must be around here somewhere. Lotte? Baby, have you seen Nova?”

Louis placed a hand on Mari’s head, letting her know he was there. Lotte walked over after hearing her wife’s voice. “They’re probably playing with Plagg and Tikki in the garden. I can go check - oh, who’s this little cutie? Louis, is this your daughter? Hello, Mariposa. I’m Auntie Lotte,” she smiled and held out her hand to shake. Mari wrinkled her dark brows at the woman’s hand then walked away without saying a word, head bowed. Louis reached out for his daughter but narrowly missed her because Hugo showed up to see him. He clapped a hand on his shoulder and pulled him in for a hug he hadn’t been ready for.

“Finally, you cut your hair! You were starting to look like dad during his midlife crisis, no offence. Where’s your daughter?”

“Well, she was just here. She walked away. If I could just go get her -”

“Louis, she’ll be fine. We’re all family here. Let her be. Trust me, it’s really difficult to let your kid go for the first time. But this place is super safe. Now, let’s go see Bri. She’s missed you a lot,” Emma smiled and led him away. That’s how the first few hours went: Louis trying to sneak away to keep an eye on Mari and someone steering him away to catch up. It was driving him a little crazy.

Piper -

She gently rubbed her eye, careful not to smudge her makeup. Her little brother had invited her to his anniversary party and she couldn’t be happier, she just wished he could’ve picked a better date. Just when she thought she was on this hacker’s tail, he slipped through her fingers again last night. This game of cat and mouse had been going on for a year and it was wearing her thin. But she had to put on a happy (and well-rested) face for her brother and his partners. It wasn’t about her today.

She wandered the house, sipping a triple espresso and just hoping to stay awake for the party when she spotted a little girl with curly black hair and ocean green eyes. Was she a new child of Emma and Lotte’s? She hadn’t seen her before now but she sure was cute in her little purple dress with a large butterfly on the front. The little thing looked lost so Piper went up to her and squatted down to her level.

“Hiya. I’m Piper. You look a little lost. Do you need help finding your mommy,” she asked gently. The little girl looked at her and slowly smiled.

“My name is Mari. I don’t know where my papa is. I went to look for the garden so I could meet my cousins but I don’t know where it is,” she said. Piper stood up and held out her hand until Mari took it, wrapping her hand around two of Piper’s fingers. Piper thought she had to be Emma’s. She had the Agreste eyes and was obviously named after the matriarch of the family.

“I’ll take you to the garden, okay, Mari? Maybe your papa is waiting for you there,” Piper smiled gently and walked with her, saying hi to people as they walked. The house was large but they made it to the garden without any problems. Until one problem showed himself.

Louis.

He looked better than she remembered. He had stubble and his hair was cut short and swept to the side, as if he had actually tried to look decent today. Her chest squeezed painfully at seeing him again but he didn’t seem to be looking at her, not until she spoke.

“Louis.”

“Piper.”

“Papa!”

Mari dropped Piper’s fingers and ran over to the man Piper had grown up with. Then she saw the resemblance: same eyes, same forehead. Louis scooped the little girl up and placed her on his hip in a move so natural, he must have done it a thousand times.

“Papa,” Piper asked, still unable to believe it. Louis’s cheeks slowly turned from pink to red, looking from the little girl in his arms to the woman he hadn’t seen in five years.

“Piper, this is my daughter, Mari.”

[gywair]

I finally watched Endgame. I’d put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral. This series has been part of my life for a decade. Going to see the cumulation of over twenty films felt too heavy to see. Putting it off only made the tension build though. Finally, bite the Infinity Stone and ordered tickets.

First, I watched it in “4DX”. This is similar to the theme park rides that started popping up that are a mixed medium experience. So the seats move, air blasts at you, there are water effects, lights flash, and even smells get pumped into the room. In theory, this seems really interesting but usually, I go to movies I don’t care about to try out new gimmicks. My first 3D film was My Bloody Valentine. It was silly and fun. It also helped me adjust to what a 3D movie would be.

My first 4DX-like experience was the Empire State Building ride as narrated by Kevin Bacon. A sentence that makes me feel like I suffered a stroke while writing but is a real thing that exists that I have experienced. It’s been a few years since that and I think it lasted less than 20 minutes (probably less). Sitting for an entire movie seemed like a whole different worm can.

For me, I didn’t really like it. The water, lights, and smells were cool. The smoke was nice too. The seat, however, is made for someone slightly smaller. So when Iron Man gets kicked in his kidneys, oh spoilers BTW, the seat hits you too like a demented message chair. I think normally it would softly strike you in the back on your rib cage. For me, it went straight to my soft organs. This made the fights are to concentrate on (a problem for a movie about fighting). Likewise, little jets of compressed air go off just above your head. For me, they were pointed directly into my ears. So each time they fired off, I couldn’t hear and had the painful sensation of a ghost giving me a wet willy (I’m also blessed with ear problems so your experience may vary).

Anyway, big thoughts:

The Good:

The job of wrapping up 20+ movies was a big task. This film does that. It has a large cast of characters and several errant storylines to wrap up in a short timeframe. Cause even with 3-hours, this felt like there was still more to say. Which isn’t bad cause that means there can still be more films but for a chapter closer it was ambitious.

I was satisfied by the investment I’ve made into the franchise. This was a fitting close to this chapter. Each film contributed in ways that made the complete journey feel fluid and necessary.

It makes several subversions of expectations. Not just for characters but for narrative design. It kept me guessing the entire time. Even with seeing a handful of tiny spoilers, I was never sure what was going to happen.

Avengers served up heaping mounds of gratuitous fan service in the best ways possible. Sometimes this can be very bad like in animes when the whole episode is about boys spying on girls in a hot tub. Here, it’s Captain America fighting a copy of himself or Professor Hulk half-assing some smashing. One of the best parts of the film is about time travel. Here they show off fan-favorite Loki popping up at different points in history.

One important aspect to me for a story of any kind is how much foreknowledge a viewer needs before starting the work. If you watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 or Return of the Jedi, you will be pretty confused. However, you can pick up just about any Marvel movie anywhere in the series and have a fair idea of what is going on. This continues in this installment. Some context is lost or hidden but anything you need to know is shown/told/explained to you. This, for me, is what makes a story stand on its own legs.

See?! This scene just makes sense all on its own.

The Bad:

With so many cooks in the kitchen, there are still weird dangling problems in the continuity. Things still feel left open to interpretation. Even the filmmakers didn’t agree on how elements in the film worked which is something that should have been determined before the first Avengers movie was written. It feels haphazard with how certain things were written off or ignored.  This plays well into feeling like a comic book where different creators retrofit things to fit their narrative but it still felt jarring.

For example, in Captain Marvel, the cat has a stone. Well… so does Thanos… but also now Loki… There is a lot going on and even a whole (if well delivered) exposition still didn’t completely cover all their bases. It feels like they slapped it together at random at times. I get that they can play with the timeline literally but I feel like there were still a lot of open questions that should have been answered that weren’t.

I could rewatch all the movies (read as: will eventually) to get the full context. This makes the act of enjoying these films more academic though than just for pleasure viewing. It’s not that I don’t want to do this but for casual viewers, there was a lot of backstories to keep up with to get each nod.

The Ugly:

After years of hearing that fans want more women characters, the film tried to give them the limelight for an action sequence. The rest of the film is mostly about a boys’ club rushing around doing action hero stuff. Yes, Nebula and Black Widow make important contributions to the plot but they feel sidelined or overshadowed by the boys. The problem here is that the women are treated more like set dressing than people important to the plot to move ahead. If Spiderman had finished running the Infinity Glove to the van it would have served the same device. Instead, they made a big show of having the girls team up for a few seconds.

Supposedly this movie was gonna have a “Big Gay Film Moment” TM that would make people happen. Instead, it just suggested that gay people do actually exist. IDK man, like that, is a pretty cold take. If Warmachine and Bucky had started making out after the big fight I would have been cheering my head off. I’m not upset by any means. This is more of a missed opportunity for the filmmakers to do something and instead, they took the safest path.

  Hope you weren’t invested in Starlord and Gamora cause that entire trio of films is pretty much null now so far as character development for Gammy. She had an awesome arc. Then they killed her off. Then she comes back but now she doesn’t know Quill. Okay, well this means that other dead people come back… right? Oh, no? Vision and Black Widow are still gone? Weird… I heard this is cause they were killed pre-Snap BUT so was Gamora and they got her back. I think they were just running out of time. I hope Scarlet Witch gets to go back to her robo-boyfriend.

Was that all just a wild middle finger to Gunn? That’d be drama.

The funeral… why isn’t anyone crying? Everyone seems so calm. Is this like when you have already been to like six superhero funerals that week and five are already back on their feet?

I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry.

Characters:

Alright, so this film had way too many characters to really cover perfectly as a group. I have some stray thoughts on several, however.

Hulk is my new boyfriend and I will fight you for him. Banner has made peace with himself and created a half-way point between Hulk and himself. Now he is permanently strong and smart. This is wonderful for character development as he finally finds the peace and belonging that he has wanted since Edward Norton tore up downtown as the rage-y green giant. His new hipster persona felt satisfying and fresh for the film universe. Something of a reversal of the Ragnarok Hulk.

Captain America finally bangs and accepts his position as “America’s Ass”. I’m so proud of my boy. He’s all grown up.

It took Iron Man a decade but Tony Stark finally discovered how to care about something other than himself. His character arc is the film universe’s arc to this point. He was the foundation for everything that came after. This film serves as much an Iron Man movie as it is an Avengers’.

Black Widow kind of gets the shaft here. She began as a coldhearted assassin and ends up as the corporate mom leading the heroes’ home base. There is so much to still unpack for her. Her character has so much potential just under the surface but no one seems to be interested digging into it. I mean Scarlett Johansson “kills” in the role but this movie doesn’t really give her anything to do except talk to Hawkeye…

Hawkeye tried to be the Marvel Aquaman comeback kid and he just comes off as edgy but not in a good way. More like a midlife crisis day buys a motorcycle than the Crow. Like, he tries to make it sound like his entire career of being an assassin was more good than being an assassin now. He does get a brutal back story but I feel like he falls short of reaching his character potential here. He does get some cool scenes and then just gets shoved to the back of the movie.

Thor is bae. He has a brutal journey to this movie but he gets a lot of character work here. His beer belly hermit hijinks provide a much needed comedic break. I also cried like a baby over him.

Rocket has finally gotten some growth as a person. In this movie, he gets to interact with the core team more. This was a lot of fun because of his sass with characters like Iron Man. Also, he finally dons his iconic blue flight suit and red scarf–not important but it was a fun Easter egg.

It only took two Guardians and an Avengers but they finally let Karen Gillan really make Nebula rule. Gillan is a fabulous actor so it was always painful that Nebula just ran around screaming. In Endgame, she finally gets to have some real personal moments that don’t feel weird. Paper football was the best scene honestly for the emotion and narrative. I mean, her whole career as a sour rage junky comes to a boiling point and then she FINALLY gets to open up the tiniest bit with Tony. I really hope there is something… anything in the future where she gets to be this new fun Nebula. It’s like your weird aunt went on vacation and actually had some personal growth and brings you back some neat shells and a guy named Desmond for herself.

Ant-Man got some funny moments in but nothing to really write home about. He was our Joe McEverydude here and it worked fine. I’m baffled at the taco scene but it was worth it for Hipster Hulk to share with him. Like, I know Scott Lang as a character isn’t super bright. That’s his whole thing. But, I just can’t understand what would drive him to go outside the fancy building to eat tacos on a bench facing the jet landing pad.

Warmachine got some interesting developments here. I’m sad now that he didn’t get to build a romance with Nebula (that is just barely suggested here). He felt like a full member of the team rather than just a sidekick from movies past.

The Falcon & Bucky were there. I really wish there had been some kind of closure or growth moment for them. In Winter Soldier, they were at each other’s neck. Now they seem cool. A friendly word or a high five could have sold me on their growth but they kind of get forgotten instead. I was never gonna see my Falcon-Bucky slash make it to the silver screen but would it have killed the Russos to have one heated kiss between these two obviously boyfriend material lads.

**EDIT** —–> THERE IS A SPIN OF THESE DORKS. OMG.

Alright. I’m psyched for this.

Captain Marvel comes in at the end of this list just like she did in the movie. That’s right, she shows up as a Deus ex Machina and looks cool but really got burned here. She deserved better. She just drops in for a minute to help and then jets. Still cool but she gets no development here. Her movie rules though so I’m gonna forgive it. Mostly. That said, it was wild to see basically an Amy Dangerous on screen and that was special for me.

Closing Thoughts:

It was a really fun movie. I may never watch it again. Just like the other Avengers, it’s a good time but it feels more like a spectacle than a great film. That’s not bad but when I watch a film, I wanna see characters grown in new unexpected ways. I want to see hard choices and emotions. Those moments were there but as little islands between big budget action scenes. I really enjoyed it but for the same amount of time, I might just watch Ragnorok again or Detective Pikachu. Finishing this movie felt like the end of a long (20 movie) hike. It was a great adventure. The fun of it was the friends we made along the way. I don’t regret a minute of it.

But it feels good to be at the end.

For now.

Endgame Thoughts I finally watched Endgame. I'd put it off a week since its release. It felt like planning to attend a funeral.

[canaryatlaw]

Well today was pretty good for a 12 hour day, haha. I was annoyed because I only ended up getting like 4 hours of sleep. We've been having issues with our heater, mainly that we can't get it to turn itself on when it gets too cold, so it just continues to get colder, so we have to turn it up really high if we actually want to heat the apartment, and last night holy fuck it was freezing, so we had it like all the way up. So then I wake up at 5, two hours before my alarm goes off, and of course now it's sweltering, but I don't want to touch the thermostat because I don't wan to put it down to far and then fuck it over again. And I guess that and a combination of a few other random things made it impossible for me to fall back asleep, so that was somewhat less than ideal, but oh well. Got ready for work and headed there, went to my supervisor and showed him my new fancy 711 license, who then had me show it to all the other attorneys on the calendar haha he's a nice guy. So he started talking about cases I could take, probably starting with permanency hearings because they're super easy, just status updates on cases after adjudication (and sometimes termination of parental rights) have taken place, so you're really just asking about the kid and the parent's progress, basic stuff. And he said I could probably second chair some other stuff and then work on it on my own, like temporary custody hearings, which again aren't terribly hard because the GAL doesn't have the burden of proof, and probably 95% of the time they're gonna side with the state. But it's all really exciting! I was looking at the license and it legit says I'm "temporarily licensed to practice law" and just !! That's so official!! I'm lawyering!! Actually practicing law and lawyering!! And I just, I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to get to this place. So, so many years saying I'm going to be a lawyer, I just have to get through this first. But now I'm here and I'm doing work I love so much, and I'm just so happy because I'm really just at peace with my life in a way I haven't been in a long time now. I'm just happy to be here and living my life and doing what I do, and that's such a wonderful feeling I can't really describe it. But, anyway. Despite the exciting start I didn't actually make it into a courtroom today, but instead got saddled with some other projects. I had some free time in the morning to hang out (read fanfiction) and then one of the lawyers on the calendar came in and pulled a couple files (there's like, mountains of files in my office, you basically have to step over them to get anywhere) from this case with like ten kids or something ridiculous like that in the system, and one of them who's aged out wants a copy of his birth certificate, and she doesn't think we have a copy of it, but wants me to look through all these files to make sure haha. I mean, not the most interesting work but I've definitely had worse. So I get to looking, stopping occasionally to read something that peaked my interest. There was one really concerning report I read, it wasn't about the kids whose file it was, but about a girl at the same residential facility one of them is in, and due to the nature of the problem a copy of it gets put in his file for safety/documenting reasons. And like, I've read a lot of residential facility horror stories, but this one definitely takes the cake. Now, the staff in these places and trained in certain restraints they sometimes have to use on kids who are just completely out of control, obviously it's a last last result and I'm not terribly fond of the idea, but at least if they're done correctly the kid won't get hurt. WELL. Apparently this one wasn't done correctly, because this poor girl ended up with her arm being broken in FOUR FUCKING PLACES. Like you could not make me more furious about this if you tried. Just....agh! This shit makes me so angry because it's putting kids who've been removed from their parents because of being in an abusive environment right back into an abusive environment at the hands of the state and the dollar of the taxpayer. Just...ugh. And of course this isn't her file so I don't get to see any of the follow up papers and find out what happened, just one sheet of paper that made me so goddamn furious. But, anyway. The rest of it was pretty basic and not very interesting. When I was just about done with those (birth certificate, unsurprisingly, nowhere in sight) another lawyer comes in and hands me a CD of medical records and asked if I could look through them for any mental health diagnoses for the mother. The state filed a termination petition, and one of the grounds you can use to terminate is that the parent is incapable of caring for the child because of mental illness. He said they only have it documented that she has depression, but he thinks it may have been depression with psychotic features and that obviously makes a much more convincing case, so I set to work with those. There were about 60 sets of records, ranging in size from 8 pages to 80 pages, so I went through them. Sad story, especially to read in reverse. The kid this petition is about was only born in January 2016, which is pretty fast moving for termination. But she had another child a year prior who was removed from her care at like two weeks old because, according to her, she was "feeding him orange juice" at two weeks old (and not because of malnutrition that was reported by the doctor). The kicker to that is that yet another year prior to that she had her first baby (or at least first she kept, there was one reference to her giving one up for adoption at birth but I didn't see anything else connected to it), who died at like 13 years old, because of malnutrition/SIDS/her rolling over on the baby in her sleep, depending on who you ask. So being that there already was a child death here they weren't taking any chances. So I looked through many records, which I don't really find boring because I'm actively looking for something so it keeps my mind occupied. Many many records, until I got back to right after her first baby died, and it had recordings of post-partum psychosis and severe depression with psychotic features. Bingo, that's what we needed. So that was good. Headed out at 5, hopped on the bus to the train and then the train from one courthouse to the next for trial advocacy tonight, which was pretty good. I got to be a witness this week, and you know I hamming it as a witness as much as possible and just making it hilarious for everyone, and the material here was so easy. It's some dumb contract case about this lady who signs a contract to buy a sports car but then the next day decides she wants a minivan so she calls to change it and they say they will, but then in two weeks they call saying the sports car was ready and they have no record of the contract modification, so my character wanted her minivan or her $2K deposit back. So given those facts, I decide the only plausible reason someone would want a sports car one day and a minivan the next day is that they're going through a midlife crisis, so I went for that angle and oh it was so easy. They do the introductory questions at first and ask about family, so I said I had a wonderful husband named Wadsworth and two beautiful sons named Mickey and Pluto (and of course say this with a completely straight face), because why the fuck not? Lol. So then I start talking about how I need this sexy sports car in my life so I go and find the best one, then the next day I realize if I try to drop Mickey off at soccer practice in that car all the soccer moms are going to go nuts, and I should really just accept that I'm a soccer mom and get the accompanying minivan 😂 I thought it was a pretty good strategy, and I think everyone else did too as observed by their reactions. So I had fun with that. After that I had to do a cross, which didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped just because their was some confusion about impeaching, but it turned out alright. We had the guy instructor this week who kept telling me I talk too fast (I'm from New York okay, it's what we do) so I apparently have to work on that, lol. But overall pretty good class. We get out and 8 and of course I "rush" home as much as one can while on public transportation, arriving a little after 9 and flipping on legends after trying to very nicely beg my roommate to let me use the tv. (which I felt like an asshole about because she was watching something, I just needed to see my show dammit!) So, the episode. I feel like I have a disconnect in my head between the excitement I get about new episodes versus the reality we actually get, and the reality can be somewhat underwhelming at times. But, that being said, I did enjoy the episode. Everything they did with the film students was a PERFECT parody, one someone can only learn from going to film school (we share a building with them and I hung out with pretty much all of them, so I was close enough) and Rip as "Phil" was just cracking me up, and I think I like him better than Rip haha 😂 I did like the moment he had with Sara in his old office in a very BROTP way of course, but it was sweet. Nate and Ray were hilarious, what giant dorks they are that they based their life choices around their favorite movies. I need to see an alternate reality where Nate is a yoga instructor, okay?? It needs to happen, stat. There's a lot I feel I can comment on but my eyes are closing quickly (see beginning of post) so I'll try to keep it brief. I'm not sure how I feel about the Mick and Stein plot, just because it felt pretty useless to come up with this whole thing with a device in his brain that could be causing this, then "oh, guess it wasn't that, oh well!" and Stein is basically like "we all hear different voices in our heads" because that's totally the same as visual and auditory hallucinations?? Come on bro, ya killing me here. I'm a little sad we didn't get to see any Snart in this episode, but I'm comforted by the fact that he will be coming back in actually alive form very soon...(or at least it better be real soon, or I'm gonna hurt someone, preferably the writers). Okay, last comment, the whole "let's break Rip out of jail with this crazy scheme" coupled with Merlyn and Darhk just going in there and start killing people were both sooooo overdramatic and unnecessary because they definitely could've bailed him out for like, 10 bucks. I mean come on, he's not even gonna get charged with anything, they don't have enough proof. I'm just saying, they really went overboard when they had an easy answer in the legal system, lol. Okay I'm done now. Tomorrow should be good, finally getting my haircut! And yes, eyes definitely want to be closed right now so I'm going to do that. Goodnight people. Be well.