#he's bill's distant cousin or something lol

[veilith]

He's infected my mind help me He's all I've been thinking bout for two days SAVE ME

[thevividgreenmoss]

My grandfather was awake and lucid for a longish while between late Friday night and Saturday morning apparently first time since this past Sunday when we all thought that was It and crammed ourselves seven people in one sedan that got a flat on the way over of course (as we were leaving the handle of the screen door came off in my hand as I was closing it behind me so the vibe was very on the nose things farcically falling apart that whole goddamn day lol) but then when we made it he was smiling and laughing and talking to and teasing everyone that was there, albeit with much more effort than it would have taken him even just a week earlier when he was already in a really frail state because of his hip surgery. My sister happened to be up later than she usually ever is and got to video call and chat with him for a bit I wanted terribly for my cousin in Colorado to be able to also but by the time he could get through my grandpa's blood pressure had suddenly spiked or something and he'd drifted back into that borderline unconscious state so they didn't get a chance to talk which makes me want to claw my fucking skin off of my face but who knows maybe another opportunity will present itself hopefully it does like he suddenly became really talkative and energized the other day after not having said more than maybe a couple sentences over the few previous days like I was there with him for several hours on Thursday and the entire time he didn't say a word and only opened his eyes once for like half a second and even that I might have been imagining after sitting there sleep-deprived and holding his hand trying not to cry because then my mom would start crying and then my aunt and on and on and if he's conscious at that point he'll start to get worried and his heart rate will destabilize but after that for this one stretch without anyone expecting it he was really talkative and alert and joking around with the nurses and doctors and all that for a while but then later yesterday afternoon he started to get disoriented and drift in and out of the present in between dreaming and waking again at one point apparently he kept saying 'look at my shoes' to my mom and her sisters and they thought it was just just the medication/pain-induced delirium talking but he kept insisting and eventually said 'you're not taking me seriously' and I guess gave up? Or said it a few more times I'm not clear on the course of events I only heard all this secondhand when my younger aunt, who also got diagnosed with cancer late last year but thankfully is more or less in the clear now, got back home last night and she and I went into his room and took all the shoes out of the cabinet he keeps them in and like looked inside and turned over and examined the soles of every pair, took the cushion insert things out of the ones that had them, checked for scooby doo-esque hidden doors, all that but there was nothing there just shoes. Her kids flew back out yesterday morning, the older one's tentatively returning to Toronto in the next week or so she had a painfully rough time in some ways her first couple of years and then abruptly had to be uprooted and leave because of covid then everything with her mom and in time honored eldest daughter tradition bearing the brunt of the familial frustration and insanity associated with that and now everything with our grandpa I really really want her senior year to go smoothly and be enjoyable and memorable in a manner opposite to how this past year+ has been I'm so worried about her and her little sister's starting freshman year there in the fall and I'm terribly worried about her in a whole different way like she's still really attached to her parents in this innocent way that still strongly resembles like a baby's adoring my mom hung the moon type attachment and it can be especially hard being away for the first time ever when that's the case...like she's hyper hypersensitive even by my family's standards lmao but she does have this sort of self-possession and inner groundedness that no one can quite pin down but it's

definitely there and maybe that

could carry her through I really hope so...they were saying to come up to visit them in the fall hopefully I can find a job soon after returning to Texas and like be able to afford to do that and also like keep paying the bills and shit lol in either case I hope so so badly that they'll be okay like I think they will be the women in my family are all really strong but they've also had to be because of various fucked circumstances and I don't want that to keep having to be the case...my grandpa's a Strong Woman in a certain way also honestly lmao like my mom's aunts have always been like your father raised you in a way beyond even most mothers which like who fucking receives let alone genuinely deserves that kind of praise from their in-laws lmao let alone a man from a notoriously patriarchal culture of a generation when fathers from any culture barely had any involvement in their children's upbringing at all which I mean most still don't but even more so back then and like literally everyone we've been hearing from or seeing drop by at the hospital has a story of how at one point or another my grandpa was there for them when no one else was like distant cousins variously removed and loose family friends all with something about how he comforted me when no one else could, I remember word for word what he said to me when I suffered some loss of my own, he's the strongest man in our family, the best times we ever had were when he was near us, when he'd take us out, his youngest brother's children saying he cared for and spoiled them as if their were his own after their dad died suddenly when they were just kids, my mom's third cousin whose own father was with her till a late age saying that he was even more of a father to me than my own father, his other brother's son who was ostracized for decades by his immediate family on some straight up racist ass bullshit on the part of his mom and older brother because he married a black woman but my grandpa stayed in touch and made sure my mom and uncle did as well and made sure we all got together when he'd came to the states, like even now lying there on what very well might be his literal deathbed when he can barely talk he was telling my uncle he's worried about him and he needs to go home and rest, asking who's taking care of the house, are the kids all okay even at this point his thoughts are for others. After I put his shoes back in the cabinet I closed it and opened the one beside just in case I guess just in case what I don't know but it was just like standard cabinet stuff clothes a shaving kit and a couple of what I assume are photo albums that I didn't feel like I should open for some reason and a few old books, a collection of Ghalib's which I can't really read very easily if at all because it's in Urdu lol, a history of government college of Lahore where his father was teaching at the time of his death and the two philosophy textbooks my great grandfather had written himself, Inductive & Deductive Reasoning, and inside the latter I found a handful of yellowed pages torn out of an old notebook upon which mostly seem to be translations of french poems and I think maybe a song or two? I guess old coursework or just for funsies I'm not sure whether written by my grandfather or his own father. My khala was mentioning just the other day that she'd kept one of my grandpa's old notebooks marked as having been designated for biology but inside it were no actual notes just urdu poetry which she wasn't sure whether it was his own original tossed off work or something the lifelong frustrated creative transcribed while bored in class. The night I got here I was looking through his bookshelves after everyone had gone to bed and then a couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the living room by myself watching archer when my cousin came and sat down next to me upset and unable to sleep on her own first night here and I held her and tried not to cry and then went through the same bookshelves again, this time with my cousin who we came to Pakistan for the first time after moving to the US

to see being born who turned three

the day we arrived on what until this current trip was the last time I was here her little sister having just been born earlier that same year (whose life I may or may not have saved when I caught her after she was dropped by the person holding her (the fact that (parentheticals within parentheticals!) I may or may not have been the one who dropped her in the first place is immaterial imo not that I'm the one on trial here but what's important is that I caught her and if anything this would be an even more athletically impressive and frankly heroic incident if I'd been the one that was holding her to begin with since I was 8/9 years old at the time and there wasn't much of a distance for her to fall and yet I kept her from hitting the ground like talk about reflexes like that's what's important and what's more important than even that @ my year older cousin (whose younger sister was the first baby in the family after myself whose arrival in this world when I was three had me positively giddy in the way that young children get when witnessing the miracle of even younger children, who's the only other one of the cousins that's been here during all this, just me and the three I got to see as darling little babies) who was the only other person in the room with me at the time, is that we take this to our fucking graves no one can hear a word of this least of all any adults in the house who like not that they're the ones on trial here either but like who allowed for this scenario to transpire in the first place where two children and an infant are in a room by themselves unsupervised in retrospect that's somewhat irresponsible not that I'd ever hold it against them or even mention it because then they might get mad and not let me hold my little cousin anymore and I do love holding my little baby cousin and carrying her around everywhere, mostly without incident)) neither of whom I'd see in person again until we visited them in Canada the summer after I graduated college the trip during which I finished the last of the Neapolitan novels the day after landing and turned 22 the day after their mother, my younger khala, turned 43, looking through my nana's bookshelves with my baby cousin no longer a baby but a U of T classics major entering her senior year, noting the overlaps with our own, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, George Eliot, the same exact copies of Cheever and Kafka's collected shorts, Umberto Eco, Proust, wondering what the various titles meant to him or what they might say about him, wondering how much of even the version of him that can be hypothesized based off his library I'm missing now that I'm limited to the much reduced version of what had been in his old home in Lahore (when he visited us after my junior year of hs and my mom was trying to convince him to downsize and move in with my other aunt with whom he's been living the past several years, the one who most resembles my grandfather the only one that has his cheekbones my khala whose eyes have sunken all the way into her skull before my eyes with exhaustion and grief over the past two weeks, when my mom was like what's the point of just hanging onto a bunch of books that you've already read: I look at them [dramatic pause], and I feel happy [my mom sighing equally dramatically in.exasperation, me cracking up in the background]) the city I was born in the house where I spent the first almost five years of my life before we moved to the US to join my dad who'd moved back shortly after my mom became pregnant with what turned out to be me, abu nana's house with the garden we'd walk through every morning holding his hand and following along as he puttered around with his plants in the garden in the house in the city he had to leave to move into my khala's house in Islamabad where I've been the past almost a month now where two weeks ago he suddenly came down with pneumonia and had to be dragged to a hospital in Rawalpindi where he's been since, not in his house, my nana's house, with the garden in the city I haven't seen since the last time I was in this country the

summer I

turned nine the day after my khala turned 30 the day before my other khala turned 32(?) the summer I first remember obsessive compulsive disorder becoming an overwhelming aspect of my consciousness although it was there before, the first summer of the Iraq war and being terrified watching the Iraq war unfold on the BBC evening news my nana would turn on

at dinner time and hearing for the first time or maybe just the first time I remember the night we left the phrase 'the rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer' from my younger khala talking to her sisters and some family friends that had come over to see us off feeling terrified and cold then embarrassed because she noticed my face visibly fall from across the room and told my mom and I was like godammit everyone knows I'm scared now smhead then crying the entire flight back home because I missed everyone and maybe had a little kid premonition that I wouldn't return to my nana's house and I would be years and years till I saw any of them again some I still haven't or maybe there was nothing premonitory about it but in either case that's the way it turned out. I do feel grateful I got to see him again at all, when he last came to the US late 2016-early 2017 I was sure it would be the last time we would be in the same room. I'd make breakfast for us every morning and we'd eat together and the entire day I'd sit next to him inhaling secondhand smoke and talking and reading. I was in the midst of my initial aborted attempt to read Swann's way when he arrived. I'd gotten to Guermantes way last summer but I couldn't find a secondhand copy so I had to read it via ebook and that didn't feel right so I abandoned it until now I've been reading a copy pulled from his bookshelf. Last he visited was the first time I learned we were both Garcia Marquez-heads which I'd kind of assumed before and I showed him Mad Men which he heavily fucked with and also every John Le Carre adaptation I could track down online. From the first time I read one hundred years of solitude the summer after freshman year of college the passage describing Colonel Aureliano Buendia's death already absolutely and unbearably heartwrenching enough immediately brought thoughts of my grandfather, aching aching sorrow over the solitude that he himself existed within in all the fucking pain his life has been inordinately filled with grief over the knowledge of this inevitable final separation from him after so many years and so much distance already having separated him from the people he loved and cared for and he loved and cared for so many people so deeply with such sincerity and beauty and endless endless warmth and compassion and humor when Gabo wrote of the colonel trying to reach back through to his memories and being unable to after previously recalling that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice even years later, as he faced the firing squad, at the moment of his death like a 'baby chick' my poor frail beautiful grandfather appearing exactly the same way when he'd take off his dentures and curl over to the side to sleep, then when awake but still half asleep hearing your voice having brought his apple cider vinegar and garlic concoction or a cup of tea or just coming by to hold his hand or play with his beard the way all of his grandchildren have at one point or another and smiling with his eyes still closed smiling bright and wide the expression of a precious little cat purring as you scratch under its chin always the most beautiful smile and even as his hair turned white and his body withered and wrinkled and shrunk his cheekbones while still not bad long ago ceased being the way they were in that picture from his wedding day back when he he looked like young Robert De Niro's much much prettier Kashmiri cousin from then until now always that same radiance and those same quick-witted and kind and bright bright bright sparkling eyes. The past month and a half I've been feeling like I'm seeing my own mother dying before my eyes along with her father, my adorable beloved abu nana, I can't even begin to comprehend how she must be feeling right now I feel like I'm witnessing her death in advance through all of this and losing the part of her that is him even though I know that's not actually the case. Things have been so fucking painful and complicated between us but the one thing we've shared that's never

been painful is our love for him. When he left after his last visit four years ago I spent the next two days barely able to even talk. Compliments or like any positive comments directed in my directions have almost always caused me this reflexive discomfort and uneasiness but whenever he or anyone else would say that I'm his favorite grandchild I'd want to hold on to that as closely as i possibly can. I don't want him to leave us and more than that I want for whatever happens to at least happen with him back at home but neither of those things seem likely right now although who the fuck knows. I hope his last thoughts can be of flowers, like Kafka's, and Lispector's, or of love, wherever he is I hope it's not asking too much to hope for that at least. For someone that spent his life so deeply immersed within that Garciamarquesian solitude he never made those around him feel any way other than at home, safe and warm and loved and adored and adorable and lovable and at home not because of a place not even the garden at the house in Lahore but with him always always I've never felt more at home than during the times I spent near him, and his love and his flowers

[221bshrlocked]

I’m sorry lol but here we go…. I have 2 older siblings I’m the baby and I always do things for them I’ll go over to their place if I’m free and let their dogs out or babysit or even pick them up if they need a ride to do something if I don’t have anything going on and I’ve always done this… our dad passed away back in June so they’ve actually been distant from my mom and I and today my mom went out of town to be w my grandma cuz my grandpa is in the hospital and I’m off I needed to run errands and get an oil change so I went to do the oil change first cuz I knew it was probably gonna be a 3hr wait which it was and NO ONE would help me. My sister was at work but said she’d come take me back if she got off but when she got off she basically said I can’t you should have planned this better(she’s the one w kids so I’m like sure whatever) and my brother the real dick that he is, he’s off of work cuz of a car accident he had, he goes out at night w our cousins and parties says he’ll pick me up but said he won’t take me to run errands that wouldn’t even take the amount of time I have to wait for my car and then he drops me off at home 45 mins away from him (just 5 mins down the road from the oil change place) and then texts me 2 hrs later “do you need me to take you back to get your car?” Thankfully (but also not) my aunt was coming back from a retreat and said she’d take me to pick it up so I literally sat in my house while all my errands could have been done were on a clock cuz I needed to pay bills that the office were gonna close and I needed to get groceries and now it’s 5:30 my aunt took me on a side quest to target I at least paid my bills (cuz they were next to target) and I have my car but I don’t want to get groceries and i miss my dad and my mom and I’ve already cried today and now I feel like they are just angry tears if I cry again………. Sorry it’s been a day and I needed to let this out 😩 like I legit cried earlier cuz I missed my dad so much cuz he usually would take me to do my oil and run errands during the time we had to wait for the car so I’m just like why are you telling me I should have planned this better when this is how I was raised and I know at least one of you don’t have anything going on

Sweetheart, I am so so sorry that you went through that. You deserve more. I wish I could give you a big big hug right now so we're going to pretend I am just for the next few moments where you read this.

I get it, believe me when I tell you I get it. But here's what you need to remind yourself when you reach these low moments and it's something I've heard from NCIS actually (thank you Ducky).

If you're going through hell, keep going.

It's not ideal but I found that it works when I reach a moment where I want to scream at every single person that isn't helping me through my struggles. Your brother should have stepped up and helped you out, and that really was a dick move on his part. If he tries to apologize or something, you need to let him know that that was unacceptable and that he needs to act, at the very least, like an adult the next time you ask him to help you with something. He's not a baby. He can spare some time. If he doesn't see it your way or tries to ignore you, then end the conversation and tell him that you're willing to talk to him again when he feels like acting a little more humanely. Your sister could have done something as well but you can try to give her the benefit of the doubt (for now) since she is working and is a mother and she's probably tired. But, she shouldn't have said the "planned better" bit because this is probably new to you.

I hate to tell you this but you will probably and unfortunately have these moments again. But the nice and more enjoyable days will outnumber the shitty ones.

As to missing your mom and dad, just cry it out. Get it out of your system. I did that this past Sunday when it got really bad for me and I ended up having a panic attack because I have not been grieving my dad in a healthy way at all. So cry it out of your system, who cares if they're angry tears. They're probably sad, angry, irritated, why the fuck is this happening tears. But it will make you feel a little better.

Believe me. I lived half a year by myself after my dad passed away and it. fucking. sucked. I cried myself to sleep every night. Still do sometimes and it's been three years now. But I wake up more at peace.

Your mom will come back and you will see her and hug her and tell her that you love her and talk with her about memories with your dad. It's okay to miss her but she is coming back.

Also, I had the exact same moment you had with your car the first time I had to take it to get the oil change. I sold my car because I didn't need it anymore since I had my dad's which I'm driving now and it took the lady at the dealer shop to ask me one question for me to break down in front of her and tell her that my dad was the one that usually did this so I wasn't feeling too well being in that space. I get it babe, I get it.

I will tell you that things do get a little easier. The day will come where instead of crying every time you look at your dad's pictures or remember something the two of you did, you will smile and not cry. Or at the very least, you'll cry tears of joy that you had those moments you can now rely on and not cry out of heartbreak.

So if crying helps, then do it.

I really am so sorry you're experiencing this right now. I'm not sure how old you are but my guess is you're younger than me and I can't begin to think of how I would be feeling if I lost my dad at a younger age. But you're going to get through this and you're going to look back and realize that it's these moments that made you stronger. My inbox is always open if you want to vent or just have silly conversations to distract yourself from something.

I love you friend, and I pray that you find some peace in the coming hours so you forget this shitty day.

[shoujoaccent]

can you share your thoughts on kuro and iwanaga pls 🥺

ok first, i love them, so jot that down lmao i’m just going to be rambling w/ the information i have today!! which is ep7 of the anime & vol.10 of the manga!!

the first thing i want to touch on is this recent idea that kuro is with iwanaga by force, or her persistence, or not having romantic feelings for her... and even though i can see why people have that conclusion, i feel like a big factor to that ideal has been from 1) their romance has been subtext because of the genre and the fact that their relationship is established, and 2) the fact that kuro’s character, especially in the anime, is flat and often misconstrued... when he both has valid reasons for his characterization and has proven that he genuinely cares for her, her well-being, and their relationship. 

again!! i must repeat!! they are together in an established romantic relationship. this is not a budding romance, so we’re not going to get a lot of moments of them realizing their feelings/etc. he may have moments where he’s not prioritizing her, but he always makes up for it, and shows that he goes out of his way to make her happy. yes, he teases her relentlessly, and yes, he says he’s going to break up with her..... but literally all of his actions indicates his care.

also, the second thing i want to touch upon is that kuro and kotoko’s relationship is complicated because individually, they are complicated themselves. kuro’s lack of attachment can be explained away with the abuse of his grandmother, his strange relationship with rikka, and the fact that he’s immortal (like, why is he going to get legally married when he’ll never have a death certificate?). kotoko flirts, sure, but she’s distant herself. she’s shown that she has no hesitation of bending ethics to uphold the natural order, and that her job will always become before everything, even her health. before kuro, she’s described to being to herself and rare to any emotional outburst. nonetheless, she’s still a rich, protected daughter that was found dismembered... like she has her own rich backstory that doesn’t go away just bc she talks about being horny 24/7 lol

ok more things under the cut bc of spoilers and i cant be vague anymore:

THIRD THING!! another thing that gets brought about kuro’s feelings and it’s the fact that he has feelings for his cousin and saki still. therefore, his relationship with kotoko is strictly platonic... but that’s... that’s just not the case. i need to break this down into parts bc WHEW I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

FIRST, if kuro has feelings for rikka, then there should have been no problem for them to be together. in the recent volume (10), she literally states that he was supposed to be hers... but what eventually ended up happening is the fact that kuro did get closer with kotoko. 

and see, the thing with that is..... if kuro has had nothing but feelings for rikka, then his relationship with saki wouldn’t have happened in the first place either. not to sound pro-inc*st, but they are immortal beings and the last of their family line. there’s literally nothing stopping them besides kuro not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with rikka... and he didn’t. he got engaged to saki instead.

kuro has also stated that rikka was only in the hospital because she wanted to be mortal again, aka she wanted to die... but why? there’s events that we’re missing and won’t get to see into later down the line. regardless, it’s safe to say that kuro loves rikka to his full capacity as family and as someone who shared his same horrid past, but he doesn’t love her more than that. (he also said she was a monster beforehand anyway so.... idk, maybe that has something to do with that LOL.)

but that also brings us to the next thing: why saki?

it’s been clear that he dates saki because she looked like rikka. they were together to the point of engagement and talks of marriage, but nothing came into fruition bc he’s an immortal that scares off spectres.

but thats the thing too, their relationship would’ve never worked bc 1) he was always hiding the fact on who he was, and 2) again, he is immortal. maybe she was his attempt to be normal, but kuro’s very aware of his situation at all times. i don’t doubt he loved saki, but a lot of his residual feelings from the lady steel arc indicate guilt rather than lingering feelings.

and of course, he feels freaking guilty!!! he lied to her about his condition, and then scared her to the point where she couldn’t even eat certain meats. that’s a heavy burden to be at fault for. (luckily, they do resolve this and apologize to each other!! but that’s the thing too: be the end of lady steel, they aren’t letting go of their feelings. they’ve been aware that their relationship was over for a long time and that they both moved on. there were just some leftover wounds.)

AND AHHH!!!! i think its also to point out the fact that rikka approved saki (aka her clone), but she never approved kotoko. rikka said that she thought she could wait for kuro to get tired of kotoko, but he never did. that’s why kotoko became a bigger threat than she already was. not only was she an indicator that kuro wasn’t looking for rikka in people, but because his feelings for kotoko are genuine. it drives rikka to the point of insanity bc she literally is trying to create something to kill a god.

so to summarize: kuro loves rikka, but only as family. kuro dates saki bc she reminded him of rikka (aka probably the only he did know in his fucked up childhood), but it doesn’t work out bc he’s immortal anyway. kuro dates and ends up having actual feelings for kotoko, which brings us to the present and why rikka feels threatened to the point of violence.

GOT IT!!!

also, since we’re nearing the end, there’s something also interesting about kuro and kotoko’s relationship that i’ve thought about since their christmas chapter. kuro is a broke college student. kotoko is an heiress. they’re constantly going on trips and dates, but for the most part, kuro is going out of his way to treat kotoko. he’s thankful for her parents for taking in rikka, but there’s not a plot about him being indebted to her/etc... and i’ve been thinking about this since the christmas chapter bc he chose to work at his part-time job than spend it with her. at first, it’s easy to be upset about it...... but again, kuro’s a broke college student. of course, he needs to work a lot. he not only has school, bills, and groceries, but he’s trying to accommodate kotoko to a lifestyle where she’s happiest in (like a goOD BOYFRIEND) and it makes me wanna cry ok

in conclusion, i just think it’s dumb to act like these two aren’t together or that they don’t have feelings for each other. it’s there. in fact, it’s probably the only constant/consistent thing in a story with a lot of moving parts. they both lead incredibly complicated lives, but they’re there for each other.

i won’t lie, kuro talks a lot of shit lmao, but i don’t get how that’s different from kotoko being overly sexual/vulgar when she doesn’t mean it either. kuro literally told her that he needs her and her response was telling him to not think he’s hot shit lololol. i get also bc kotoko’s overtly sexual (and lbr, attracts a lot of lolicons), so if she’s not being praised/not being treated like a princess by kuro, then that makes him a worse boyfriend... but he doesn’t treat her poorly. hell, that pinocchio proved that she really takes for granted that he dies a lot of her sometimes to the point with other spectres (aka the things that want to see kuro die LOL) think she (aka their god that they praise 24/7) is harsh.

but that’s what being in a relationship too is. you’re not going to appreciate someone at all hours of the day, but the point is, you have to be constantly taking care of each other, even when you don’t want to. kuro and kotoko are constantly taking care of each other, and thinking of each other’s well-being first and foremost. they might bicker, but that’s a fact that’s always acknowledged by everyone around them, despite initial opinions.

and tbh, i feel like kuro also feels a lot of guilt for rikka. maybe not for returning her feelings, but because his happiness with another person (kotoko) was the catalyst of her running away and causing havoc. i think that adds another layer to his distance with kotoko, but it doesn’t mean he has feelings for her romantically. what i really appreciate about the story is the fact that as simple as things are presented, there’s always a complex reason/backstory for it. there’s never a single moving part for anything. there’s plenty of motives and reasons.

[frnkievigo]

- character sheet

BASICS

Full Name: Saskia Jane Cohen.

Meaning of Name: Saskia means something random but really her parents just couldn’t settle on Saskia or Jane so her dad calls her Saskia and her mom calls her Jane and its confusing.

Nickname: Sask.

Birth Date: April 4th, 1996.

Astrological Sign and Details: Super super Aries.

Birth Place: Los Angeles, California. She hated it and always wanted to move east.

Age: 21.

Nationality: American

Race: Caucasian.

Hair Color: Brown.

Hair Style: Always tangled and naturally wavy/curly.

Distinct Features of Face: Bright blue eyes, bloodshot usually, cracked lips from where she bites them.

Glasses or Contacts: Nah.

Eye Color: Blue

Skin Tone: White and freckly.

Scars or Distinguishing Marks: She has a large number of scars from fighting like a hellion. Crescent moon shaped scars on her neck from where an ex of hers tried to strangle her.

Disabilities: Depression, anorexia. She’s been in an out of treatment for years.

Build or Body Type: Long and thin, usually hiding under baggy t-shirts.

Height: 5′10

Weight: 115 lbs

Speech Patterns: Valley girl that gets stronger when she’s drunk. Most of the time she speaks in a flat monotone, but you can tell when she’s rolling because she talks a mile a minute.

Tag Words: Whatever, like, fucking hell.

Gestures: Licks her lips before she speaks.

Weakness: Men who treat her badly.

FAMILY AND CHILDHOOD

Mother: Laura Cohen.

Father: Jonathan Cohen.

Mother’s Occupation: Divorcee living off of alimony with her new young boyfriend.

Father’s Occupation: Lawyer for Apple, filthy fucking rich.

Family Finances: Absolutely spoiled rotten.

Birth Order: Youngest child, her brother is a few years older.

Brothers: Luke Cohen.

Other Close Family: Saskia has a cousin named Cleo who’s a bit of a character. Whenever Cleo blows into town Saskia usually heads off with her for what end up as week long benders in shitty motel rooms.

Best Friend: Bradley Milligan (they just always end up in groups together dfgfd) but as a NPC? Probably Ramona even though she’s terrible for Saskia and so toxic.

Other Friends: Astrid, Gabe, AJ, Caroline, Norman, probably others idk man

Enemies: Um probably plenty.

Pets: Nah she’s not responsible enough for that.

Home Life During Childhood: Tumultuous and rocky. Saskia’s mom was emotionally and physically abusive and her dad was absent and distant. Laura Cohen is probably the most responsible for Saskia forming an eating disorder, she started her on diets like before she hit puberty. And in her brother, who was pretty unstable on good days and it was a powder keg.

Town or City Name(s): Malibu, Los Angeles, Rochester.

What Did His, Her or Their Bedroom Look Like: Painted hospital white but decorated with all of her posters, drawings, etc.

Any Sports or Clubs: FUCK no.

Favorite Toy or Game:She was a huge fan of those desktop Nancy Drew games bc she’s a secret nerd.

Schooling: Private Catholic schools with starchy uniforms where she excelled academically but was also considered one of the bad kids.  

Favorite Subject: Math, actually.

Popular or Loner: Bit of both. She basically ran her group of troublemakers.

Important Experiences or Events: Oh man here we go with the trauma. Her parent’s divorce was awful. It was a relief to her when they finally weren’t together anymore. Her abusive ex nearly killing her in a shitty apartment. Her brother physically assaulting her when he was having a particularly bad manic episode and breaking her hand. Getting into a car crash last year while Cleo was driving high.

Health Problems: She gets nosebleeds frequently from all the coke she does. Her ed isn’t too bad right now but when it is she has heart problems, has fainted in the middle of class before.

Religion and beliefs: Her dad is Jewish but she doesn’t believe in anything.

PERSONAL

Bad Habits: Biting her nails and lips, always running late. She’s a night owl and will always oversleep.

Good Habits: Somehow always remembering to stay hydrated? Will chug water when wasted.

Best Characteristic: Tough as nails.

Worst Characteristic: Um probably her aggression.

Worst Memory: Luke assaulting her.

Best Memory: Driving up the coast of California with Cleo.

Proud of: Her efforts in music.

Embarrassed by: Her lack of impulse control.

Driving Style: Fast and distracted. Sings along to the radio, fixes her hair in the mirror.

Temperament: Mercurial. Flies off the handle easily.

Attitude: Pessimistic and sarcastic. She takes the piss out of everything.

Fears: People touching her neck. Moths, strangely enough.

Phobias: Arachnophobia.

Secrets: Her family and what happened to her are very private. She also hides her frequent drug use, unless she’s partying.

Regrets: Not sticking up for herself earlier. Dating her ex Danny.

Feels Vulnerable When: Discussing emotions.

Pet Peeves: People who tap on the table, close talkers, people who laugh really loudly.

Motivation: To just get through this year.

Short Term Goals and Hopes: She doesn’t have any god.

Long Term Goals and Hopes: To graduate.

Sexuality: Heterosexual. But, if she really liked a girl she would be open.

Exercise Routine: Sit ups late at night when no one is watching.

Day or Night Person: Night owl.

Introvert or Extrovert: Extrovert.

Optimist or Pessimist: Pessimist.

LIKES AND PREFERENCES

Music: Fleetwood Mac, The Kinks, Elvis Costello, etc.

Foods: Lemons, cherries, mints, anything that’s not really food.

Drinks: Has a soft spot for root beer because of one day when her dad actually spent time with her in a park drinking root beers.  

Animals: Cat person.

Color: Red.

Clothing: Leather jackets, ripped up jeans, Doc Martens, fishnet tights.

Jewelry: He wears a locket with some of Paige’s ashes in it.

Websites: Twitter I guess?

TV Shows: Breaking Bad, and actually trashy reality shows.

Movies: Kill Bill, Cruel Intentions

Greatest Want: To have somebody love her, ever part of her.

Greatest Need: Probably to get a fucking therapist.

LIFESTYLE

Favorite Possession: A ring she inherited from her grandmother.

Most Cherished Possession: Stuffed rabbit.

Married Before: Nope.

Significant Other Before: Danny and a few other boyfriends.

Children: N/A.

Relationship with Family: God nearly nonexistant at this point… They send her money and that’s all the contact they have.

Car: Beat up convertible.

Dream Career: To be a musician.

Dream Life: A life where all her trauma never happened.

Love Life: LOL.

Sexual Turn Ons: Dominance, roughness, yeh.

Sexual Turn Offs: Daddy stuff is gross for her.

Hobbies: Guitar, singing.

Guilty Pleasure: Sex and cocaine.

Talents or Skills: She can open champagne with a sword. She’s also witty and funny but doesn’t realize it.

Intelligence Level: Pretty fuckin smart!

[purplesurveys]

906

How has your week been? Well I’ve been depressed all week, so that’s fine and dandy. Idk. There are just lots of things to be anxious and insecure about these days. If I could sleep all day to escape everything I would, but the weather still sucks and I especially don’t want to look unproductive in front of my family. This could really just be my period coming soon, but the fact stands that I feel unwell and it suuuuucks. Have you done anything interesting in the last week or so? Probably the most unique thing that has happened is that I brought Cooper to the vet today and they performed skin scraping on him because his skin’s been acting up a bit. I’ve never heard of the procedure until today, but man...his screams were gut-wrenching. He got vaccinated right after it so it was double the pain for him. I think it’s also a reason why I’m not feeling too good today. Have you been shopping? Definitely not recently; it would be insensitive to go shopping in the situation we’re in. I did like shopping pre-lockdown, though. I didn’t do it often, but what I’d do is that I’d get a bunch of new clothes in one go then wait till the next few weeks or month to get another batch of new pieces. Have you been to the park? I’ve been to tiny parks here and there, but our government doesn’t care for public spaces so we don’t have a lot of spacious parks to begin with. Have you driven a car? I’ve been driving a car for four years. The last time I drove one was around an hour ago when I drove from the vet clinic to back home.

Have you hugged someone? Alright, I’m going to start assuming these questions refer to things I’ve done within the last week, or at least fairly recently. Anyway, other than my dogs no I haven’t. We’re still not allowed to for the most part.  Have you held someone's hand? Nope. Have you worn nice shoes? I mean I think all my shoes are nice, so yeah. Have you worn an expensive item of jewellery? Nope. Again, kinda unnecessary and inappropriate given the circumstances. It’s a really bad time for hunger, homelessness, and poverty in my country now and I’d just look like a gigantic jerk if I wore designer jewelry. Have you used public transport? No. I didn’t do so even before the lockdown. If they drastically improved our public transport system then I might give it a shot, but that hasn’t been the case for 30+ years and every aspect of our buses, trains, jeepneys, tricycles, etc. is just so run-down. Ever heard of trains breaking down and making your passengers – mostly employees trying to get to work on time – literally walk on the railroad under 35ºC weather to the next stop? Only in the Philippines. The service is embarrassing and disappointing enough for me to want to take a private car everywhere I go. Have you had your photo taken? Yeah. My thesis adviser gathered me and her other advisees for a Zoom meet to take a group photo with her earlier this week. She said it’s a tradition for her to do it with her advisees every year, but since we obviously can’t meet up this year she just set up the Zoom for us. It was adorable.

Speaking of that day, have a photo of me being a dumbass with technology and somehow making my virtual background imposed on my face instead of being my actual background.

Have you made or created anything? I don’t think so, no. Have you seen someone you have a crush on? Nope. Have you flirted? Definitely not. Have you used tissues? Yeah well. I have two dogs. We don’t have a scooper and we’ve always just used tissues to pick their stuff up. Have you vomited or felt like you were going to? No. I’ve been depressed this week, but fortunately I haven’t been crouched-over-toilet depressed. Have you consumed alcohol? I was thinking of doing so sometime this week but I might save it for my virtual graduation or something, because I’m pretty sure I’ll be feeling lonely as fuck once the ceremony’s over. Have you broken the law? For like ten seconds. When I walked up to the vet clinic a few weeks ago something had felt amiss and I also felt a few people staring at me. Turns out I FORGOT MY MASK IN THE CAR. I had only gone out for the second time in four months back then and wasn’t super accustomed to the precautions yet. It was super embarrassing but fortunately no one handcuffed me, as is the automatic reaction from the police here. Have you received a speeding or parking ticket? I don’t think we have speeding here (we have speed limits but ticketing someone for speeding is unheard of here. Weird) and no, I’ve never gotten in trouble for where I’ve parked because I like following the rules lol Have you played with a child or toddler? Only with a puppy.

Have you cleaned your bedroom? It’s been tidy for a while so there’s no need to clean it for now. Have you used a vacuum cleaner? No. I’m usually not put in charge of it. Have you taken a bubble bath? I have not. Have you signed your name? A few times. Sometimes bills will come in for my parents and I’d have to sign in their place to let the post office know I was the one who received the email. Have you been to a restaurant? Of course not. I wish I have been though. Have you been to an art gallery or museum? No. There aren’t even any nearby museums as it is. Have you eaten ice cream?  Also no. My siblings and I haven’t been craving for ice cream anymore so whenever my dad has bought some, they’re flavors we don’t like. Have you eaten steak? I fuckin’ wish. Have you eaten mango? I don’t think so. My dad did make a dish with green mangoes the other night, but I made sure to put those on the side of my plate. Have you drunk orange juice? No. The only juices we have are cranberry and prune, and both are for my mom. Have you played with a pet? Like a million times. Have you read a magazine? Kind of, because I’ve visited my grandma a few times recently to pick up some things. She loooves collecting lifestyle and society magazines, and whenever she asks me to stay for a few minutes at her place I pick up a mag and skim through it for a bit. Have you knocked on someone's front door? Nope. Have you been to a concert? No. Not only is that indefinitely no longer allowed, but no one interesting was scheduled to have a show in Manila anyway, like if the lockdown never happened. The biggest act that was supposed to happen was Billie Eilish in like September but I didn’t have plans to go to her show. Have you listened to music? Yes, some days more heavily than others. Have you felt nervous? I feel nervous about various things like 15 times a day. Have you been to the beach? No. Been wishing I was there, though. Have you seen a sibling? Yes. I was across them five minutes ago. Have you seen a cousin? I HAVE, and I’m so happy I have. It’s nice to see another relative after so long. We didn’t have a lot of time to catch up, but it was still fun. Have you worn a uniform? I haven’t needed to. Have you played a musical instrument? Nope. Have you played a board game? No. I haven’t in a while either. Have you had a nap during the day? Yes. Sometimes I’ll doze off from 10 AM to lunch, and other times I’ll be feeling drowsy in the middle of the afternoon. Have you been upset at anyone? Of course.

It’s the end of the survey and I just wanted to update y’all that my mom arrived home from work WITH STEAK omg. Apparently it’s a gift from one of her distant cousins who had asked her for a favor, but when plans fell through she gave her steak and A BURGER to make up for it. I’m feeling awesome right now lol