#he will get a girlfriend eventually but he msut be ready for it first. he must know where he stands on the cutting board. the chopping block

[wipedthedebt]

its literally sm easier to kill him. he can get thru some development, the first steps, and then just as he is needing to enter the fork in the road -- the difficult, the rotten work of scraping and clawing to be better and happier as an intention and fucking up and learning and growing -- we kill him off. he's dead, how tragic, he never got to be more than he was. he will never be more than he is. and he will be 26 forever. I remember I used to think 22 was so old and grown up. Cary was out living me, by a few years, at the time. But now he is stuck slightly behind, and I am sorry for him but we are neck in neck and he is losing the race. And it's easier to kill him than to deal with the progression forward. It's always easier to kill characters like him. Easier than having him lash out and cry and scream and shake and wake up and keep going and keep going and be haunted at every step by the fact he Chose This. he chose to keep living and he is choosing this pain and suffering and misery over the peace of death. And he is imposing, always, on others. He is messy and off putting and weird and unpleasant the majority of the time and he tries to be better but he's not quite nailing it. And he will lose people, I suspect. I do not want to put him through it. But it must be done. He must realize people will leave, as much as other people will stay. And he must grow. He must survive. Dying would be awfully convenient. So he will hold out hope for a garden he might never stroll through, a bed he might never collapse in, and a smile he might never feel upturn the corners of his own mouth. He will hold out and he will claw and he will contribute very little to the world because he is not in the world to contribute. He is in it to selfishly continue the duration of his own life, his own happiness, his own safety, his own experience. For himself and for no benefit of others. Only then will he be ready.