#he inherited the looks and the mental illnesses of his dads too !! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

verdemoun · 4 months ago

Note

i am PRAYING do not make kieran murdering eliza and isaac canon

but hypothetically

first night isaac is staying at hosea's house to spend a night with arthur, because eliza may love her son but christ does she need a girls' night after solo parenting so long and never trusting anyone else with her precious boy

arthur introducing isaac to the gang who are all pumped. sean calls him little england. lenny is laughing over jack looked so much like arthur and then isaac looks so much more like john (isaac inherited eliza's black hair). hosea and bessie are in full grandparent mode

kieran looks up. sees isaac. freezes. isaac also stares, nagging feeling hey i think i know that guy when kieran bolts to his room and proper slams the door. gang are mildly amused because oh that's just how kieran is around new people sometimes

kieran straight up faints. he's laying unconscious on the floor for a good few minutes because oh shit that random kid i murdered in 1896 was arthur's son arthur's going to kill me the gang's going to kill me i am already dead and i'm going to die again

avoids. isaac. at. all. costs.

almost feels like spite when arthur comes out to not yell but say hey could you try to reduce the coming in and out of the backyard at night i know it helps you sleep but isaac panics every time he hears the door open because well y'know he was killed in a home invasion

after a few weeks of it being routine that isaac spends the night on weekends the gang are still pretty confused why kieran is avoiding the kid. figures he just doesn't like kids, lets it go. isaac is constantly trying to catch glimpses of kieran because still can't put his finger on where

one night when he panics awake hearing the door but arthur doesn't flinch, morgan genes take over and isaac decides to investigate himself. goes outside, sees kieran sitting there with a cigarette in hand and a poorly chosen black jacket. kieran freezes because on one hand, if he runs off there's no way the gang will come looking for him again, on the other isaac's eyes are widening and he is definitely having that moment of realisation. just waiting for the screaming and then probably a swift but brutal death at the end of arthur's fists

isaac just. sits beside him. starts picking at the grass. admits they probably shouldn't tell his dad and chuckles. kieran is terrified but isaac is like for a murderer you're a pretty decent guy. punches him hard in the arm for killing his mom but basically says 'tbh killing me was a lot kinder than leaving me to starve or end up in an orphanage or trying to like raise me as an o'driscoll out of guilt'

kieran is squirming 'i think i'd prefer it if you wanted me dead' but isaac is just... way too chill for a 9-10 year old. cracks jokes if he knew what a neurodivergent weenie he was he might've actually tried to fight him. kieran actually snorts and chokes on his cigarette, which isaac tuts him for smoking.

arthur wakes up to find isaac missing and is frantic until he hears kieran and isaac laughing in the backyard because isaac is telling one of his stories about a fight he got into at school and kieran is quietly agreeing he sounds too much like canon era arthur. thinks it's really sweet they're finally interacting before reminding them both it's 2 in the goddamn morning

kieran is still extremely uncomfortable and awkward around isaac because a very reckless mentally ill tween with anger issues is holding his life in his hands but isaac has somehow decided you murdered me that makes us blood brothers. makes a point of asking if he can take kieran's dinner to his room when kieran won't come out, knocking to ask if kieran wants to come on little family trips to the store/arcade and making a point of going outside with kieran at night to distract him from the terrors with terrible jokes and tales of his antics -

circa 1896: kieran duffy, alone, breaks into a dark, isolated cottage to steal whatever he could find and slip out before anyone noticed. he was not expecting eliza, certified bad bitch, to be awake, sitting in the dark, enjoying the peace and quiet that came with her son being asleep, to ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing in her house. kieran, gun raised, asks her to hand over the valuables and no one needs to get hurt. eliza instead draws a revolver - fires and misses. kieran does not. eliza dies instantly, and is now bleeding out on the floor. as kieran is cursing himself because no self respecting outlaw would kill a woman, he hears a tiny, terrified voice call out 'mom?'. bolts to the bedroom door before isaac can process what he's seeing and scoops him up. paces around the bedroom shushing him and bouncing him, answering the frantic questions of what happened and who is he in a very vague protective way. your mom's fine, she just had to go somewhere, asked me to watch you for a bit. yeah! yeah, i'm a friend of your dad's. no, i don't know if he's coming to visit. gunshots? yeah, just... just people shooting at coyotes. whole time wondering what the hell he is meant to do because fuck what is someone meant to do in that situation?? he's barely able to keep himself alive, he's a wanted criminal, he can't take a kid back to the o'driscolls because he knows what some of the o'driscolls would do to a kid. he can't just leave him in the house to find his mom dead on the floor in the morning. now he knows the kid has a dad who visits but he doesn't know when that could be. could kick in the door and shoot him dead any minute, could be months. so, honestly hoping the kid's dad will come through the door at any second and kill him so he doesn't have to do it, kieran puts isaac back to bed, says something about his mom expecting him asleep when she comes back. tucks him in with his toys, listens to isaac very awake merrily explain how it was a present from his dad's last visit, gets him a glass of water when he asks (with eliza's corpse staring at him), and tells isaac an old irish fairy tale from memory to get him to sleep. sits on the bed beside isaac, who falls alseep curled up beside him and waits a few more minutes hoping someone turns up. no one does. he takes his gun and, while isaac is asleep, does something he will never forgive himself for -

isaac arrives in timewarp half an hour after eliza very peacefully, disorientated and confused as to why his mom is crying so much or holding him so tight but she's back from wherever she went so he knows he's going to be okay. pieces together what actually happened as he gets older, asks enough questions that eliza explains and very calmly accepts oh so we were murdered worm

Eliza does not find out who kieran is until a solid 5 years into timewarp. arrives early to pick isaac up from one of his regular visits, having heard stories of all the gang as isaac's various uncles and aunts, when she spots kieran and immediately sees red. has the appropriate reaction of screaming bloody murder and charging towards him ready to beat him to death only for arthur to hold her back in confusion and isaac to very quickly run to kieran who is understandably mortified.

very, very tense silence as the penny finally drops. hosea looks heartbroken, because he loves kieran and arthur and isaac and he lost isaac and nearly lost arthur to that grief and now he knows kieran is responsible for it. arthur is trying to process the sheer amount of fury he is now feeling with the kieran he has gotten to know and care about as a member of the gang, his family, over the past 5 years. sean is the one to whisper to loud holy shit kieran killed arthur's kid and his mom while kieran is just. shaking because the secret's out and he's just waiting for the consequences.

isaac, a very stubborn, usually dramatic teenager at this point, is doing his best 'okay yeah but c'mon look at him he's just a lil guy. live and let live, am i right? revenge is a fool's game and all that jazz. it was like 109 years ago isn't that kinda a little long to keep grudges can we all just chill'

#rdr2 timewarp au #kieran duffy #isaac morgan

17 notes · View notes

just-another-author-i-guess · 2 years ago

Note

Judd's childhood headcanons?

You betcha 🤭

Tags: idk like mentions of violence and such, Judd being a pyromaniac from a very young age, dead bugs?

Author's note: if we don’t get a baby judd episode in the new season I will riot (,:

Judd childhood hc's

Word count: 1,2K

Both of his parents were absolutely over the moon when he was born

Imagine being an only child in the Birch household, like ngl that sounds pretty sweet

He had their attention aaalll to himself, and he thoroughly enjoyed it

He was quite an active child too, not like hyper but always doing something he was definitely not supposed to do, so he needed either one of his parents to watch him constantly anyways

I feel like he was a pretty “normal” child until Leah was born, sure he was a bit harder to watch than average 2-year-olds but it wasn’t to like a concerning degree or anything

That was until Leah was born

Suddenly having to deal with a new sister, unleashed little monster-gremlin Judd

Not even like five minutes after she was born, when he got to see her in the hospital, did he call her ugly and bald

He probably had an identity crisis when his dad told him he looked like that too

Anyways, Elliot was really empathic towards him, even though he was definitely becoming a bit of a spoiled brat

Like, he sat him down and was like “I know it’s hard for you to get a new sister, but think about how much she’s going to look up to you, blah blah..”

Judd did not listen

So for the next few years, his mission became causing as much trouble for everyone around him as possible and then finding a way to blame it on Leah

Obviously, no one believed that an infant thrashed the house and set fire to a bunch of ants in the backyard

(It was hard to believe toddler Judd even managed to do it lmfao)

That’s another thing, like he wouldn’t hurt big animals, like cats, dogs, raccoons, ect cause he likes those

But he’s definitely responsible for the bug population in town drastically decreasing lol

He would be that type of little kid who burns ants, crushes snails and squeezes bugs to death

I was reading IT right, and patrick apparently has a whole pencil case filled with dead flies AND WHY IS THAT SO JUDD

I could see him bringing that into kindergarten, and when it’s art time he pulls it out and shows the teacher’s kinda proudly and they’re all like 😧✋

This was how he ended in therapy, too

Diane getting a call like “Yeah, uh, your son has a pencil case full of dead bugs and he’s scaring everyone pls come pick him up”

She wasn’t even mad, bc if you’ve seen my other headcannons, yk it would just be even more confirmation that Judd definitely inherited a lot of things from her

He was definitely a very stab-happy kid too

I’m talking deliberately sharpening his pencils to a point and using them as weapons

I can see him having a slingshot too, he would sit somewhere his dad couldn’t see and just shoot rocks at him

Poor Elliot, Judd’s abuse and gremlin behaviours definitely affected him the most

Diane could actually get angry so Judd didn’t dare mess too much with her, and Leah was just a baby so her reactions were usually pretty boring

She didn’t even care when Judd showed her the dead flies smh 🫤

So Elliot was the only good target

Judd was very, very annoyed though, at how he never really got angry, like he’d always just praise Judd for his creativity

If he’s too mean to his dad, Diane will also get mad at him lol

So it’s about finding a balance yk

But back to the therapy thing

I don’t really think Judd got diagnosed with anything, besides being a creepy ass kid

If being creepy is a mental illness, count me in too idc

But like, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him, he just really enjoys causing trouble

So the only thing the therapist recommended was stricter parenting

As both him and Leah got older, his plans of getting rid of her became more thought out as well

There’s that one scene where Nick is a newborn and Judd tries to set fire to Leah’s hair

That is definitely a recurring thing, like he realised if he truly wanted to get rid of Leah he’d have to try something,,, more effective than leaving her random places and trying to get his parents to hate her

So setting her hair on fire seemed like a good idea

I don’t think he grasped the idea that she could actually die, but like if her hair burned off she would be ugly and their parents wouldn’t like her anymore yk? Something like that

Where did a six year old get lighters?? I would like to fucking know

This was also around the time he started to realise, that maybe murder and thrashing the house all the time was not a good idea

Diane probably had a talking to him, and was like “Now you’ve got a new brother, you can’t be trying to set his crib on fire or anything, you’re too old for that now”

That made him switch out his lighter for scissors and that was when is Chucky arc properly started

He cut a b i g chunk of Leah’s hair off while she slept, he cut up a lot of his dad’s clothes and tried to stab multiple of his teachers

Like, one of his teachers would go on to have Leah and Nick later, and would always tell them the story of how much of a menace Judd was and show them their scissor scars

Judd was definitely very spoiled too, he used to act kinda like Nick when he was younger

Little man’s thought he was king of the kindergarten fr

Probably carried over into his first years at school too, like 1st to 5th grade Judd was not much different

Omg,, he was a biter too

Like I can see Diane getting mad at him and hoisting him up by his shirt or something, to carry him to his room, but he would just try to bite her the whole time

The same with his teachers, you touch him, you get bitten

I can see him getting into a lot of fights with other boys at school too, either for making fun of him or his dad

Elliot came to pick him up one day and was like singing a little goofy song or whatever, and the other kids wouldn’t stop making fun of him

(Aw, that’s so cute, little Judd secretly defending his dad’s honour at school)

Bc he definitely wouldn’t tell his parents the real reason he got into a fight

Also, if anyone was bullying Leah in the schoolyard, Judd would straight up just spawn

His spidey senses was tingling fr

But he wouldn’t (And still won’t) hesitate to knock anyone who’s mean to his sister the fuck out

I feel like he’d also secretly slip something delicious he got in his lunchbox into Leah’s

Like, if she had a bad day at school and Judd so happened to have a candy bar (probably stolen lets be honest) He would make it suddenly appear in Leah’s lunch box and act all oblivious about it

That’s another thing, Judd was straight up just born w/o a moral compass

Even as a kid, he didn’t really see stealing, violence, ect as wrong

Well it all depends who he’s stealing from or beating up or whatever

But yk, Diane was (and is probably still) like that lol

Tags: @dlfvrr , @bxbyyyjocelyn

(Lemme know if you want to be tagged!)

#judd birch #big mouth #judd birch x reader #headcannons #big mouth x reader

158 notes · View notes

its-been-rose · 9 months ago

Text

HEADCANONS FOR SILLY RADIO MAN GAME

Henry

- calls his mom “Ma”

- Is selectively mute and only talks to his mother or others when there is no possible way to avoid it. Hates talking.

- Likes slasher horror films

- the mamas boy to end all mama’s boys, would basically only listen to his mother and no one else

- Got into crazy fights as a child because he would not take shit from anyone and had attitude issues, especially if the slight was against his mom

- Had a reputation in school for being a weird violent kid who never talks.

- Has like no friends

- Looks extremely similar to his mother and almost nothing like his father (despite Marie saying otherwise)

- Middle name is George (was going to be Theodor like his dad but Marie thought it was kinda lame lol)

Marie

- middle name is(was?) Reagan (exorcist reference)

- She dealt with hardships in life (difficulty making rent, Henry getting sick, etc.) by going on tirades about how everything wrong with her life is because of the people in GC and they all deserved to die. Blamed all of her problems (more or less rightfully so) on the people who wronged her

- Loved Henry to the bone but was too mentally ill to see she was destroying him and any chance he had at a future

- Ever since Whistling Night ‘68, she got terrible nightmares that would wake her up constantly

- Quite tall

- Secretly jacked, poured all the spiteful energy she could muster into learning how to kick ass

George

- sometimes had emotional regulation issues and outbursts of intense rage for example, when he lost a game (never directed at anyone, always just within himself or taken out on objects like a ball or a tree) which was taken out of context and used as evidence that he was a violent delinquent.

- In reality was extremely gentle and sweet and wouldn’t hurt anyone.

- Was kind of introverted and would take a long time to open up to other kids so people in his classes didn’t really know him that well despite him being involved in a lot of extracurriculars. Kept to himself (or with Jason and Marie)

- Blonde

Ricky

- is a redhead (auburn?) and has freckles

Max

- is a golden retriever

- Is a good boy

Leslie

- totally has a crush on Sara (is it unrequited? Do they get together? The world may never know!)

- Is Latina

Sara Martinez

- is also Latina (is this a headcanon if her name is literally Sara Martinez lol??)

The Stines

- Got married right out of high school (I swear we see a wedding invite in the game in the chuck puzzle and can’t recall for the life of me what year it says)

- Were high school sweethearts like George and Marie were

Eugene

- inherited his poor eyesight from his father

#killer frequency #marie campbell #henry barrow #headcanon

27 notes · View notes

coyotetatertot · 2 months ago

Text

I got on mood stabilizers and now my head is somewhat quieter. Whoops.

I am uh. Still writing that fic tho.

A collection of scenes from pre-series and post-series exploring how Tate is stripped of his father (and his spirit) in childhood, how he goes to gravity falls for closure and finds an impossible project in curing a madman, how he gives it his best but theres like. An entire world against him.

MENTALLY ILL RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT

his father's illness defies clinical analysis, he keeps building machines that are a danger to himself and others — so he can't live with Tate at his shitty lil job accommodation as a lake ranger, lest he legit hurts someone. Tate searches for answers every night, and when they evade him he starts looking at the bottom of the bottle. He gets little to no sleep and he starts breaking down, he makes more and more fuck-ups at work and that shit can be dangerous on the water. When it becomes apparent that he's gonna drown right alongside his dad if he doesn't stop — he's kinda forced to save himself. He goes no contact outside of winter months to bring him supplies and make sure he doesn't die of hypothermia. Can't even bear to look at him for how it hurts. But this is a VERY slow motion train wreck. Over seventeen fucking years of trying with him, of sacrificing his own future in this town and working a dead end job, of hoping to make progress when there's NONE. And yet he STILL CAN'T GET HIMSELF TO LEAVE HIS DAD FOR DEAD —slams fist on table—

And then one day he's miraculously cured. In a few hours. By twelve year olds. And there's an apocalypse. All these fucking questions Tate has, and feeling absolutely fucking worthless, oh the emotional devastation I'm gonna write when he finally has that fucking talk with his newly-sane dad.

And surprise the mental breakdowns were actually temporary ✨brain damage✨ Tate had his memories wiped whenever he got too close. He's actually so smart and extremely capable but he still never stood a fucking chance, he was trapped in a vicious cycle the instant he stepped foot in city limits.

Tate reconnecting with his dad and un-learning the years of damage done to him by a classist, unaccommodating school system and broken family. Learning who his dad is as a person, the bittersweetness of filling each other in on their entire life stories, figuring out what they had a right to know all along but fate robbed them of it. Seeing how similar they are despite having been totally separated. Healing and trying to do enough right by one another to make up for all that lost time.

Tate learning to show emotion again, touching his Appalachian roots, and un-learning a fear of hubris so strong that it terrifies him of even trying to make good use his inherited intelligence. He's so goddamn scruffy and wild and meant to be in nature,, with a natural enthusiasm for tinkering that he struggles to contain and fears, istg LET 👏 HIM 👏 BE 👏 FREE 👏. Playing guitar with his dad on banjo, bonfires, fishing, and country music and HEAVY MACHINERY 💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️

I'm gonna break Tater tot and then I'm gonna rebuild him. It's too late. It's all planned out in my head. Featuring extra painful and bittersweet interactions w/ both sets of Pines twins,, rubs hands together

I'm gonna fuck you up kid. You're gonna be hurt so bad.

#tate mcgucket #fiddleford mcgucket #ramblings #gravity falls

8 notes · View notes

coldnstinkyjinky · 5 months ago

Text

Since ya'll seem to enjoy the snippet of Togo Atatsuma becoming Ayano's dad, here's a bunch of segments I wrote of Togo being a girl dad to Ayano. I might not be able to include them to the actual book so I'll just post the compilation here:

~~~~~

Togo Atatsuma was a man feared and respected throughout the underworld of the Yakuza. His rough demeanor, piercing gaze, and commanding presence struck fear into the hearts of those who crossed his path. As the underboss of the Atatsuma clan, Togo navigated the murky waters of organized crime with ruthless efficiency and a no-nonsense attitude. But amidst the chaos and danger of his world, there was one person who saw beyond his harsh exterior: six-year-old Ayano Aishi.

Ayano had been left in Togo's care after her biological parents, Ryoba Aishi and Jokichi Yudasei, had permanently departed from her life. Despite her emotionless demeanor, a result of the mental illness inherited from her mother's side, Ayano quickly formed a bond with Togo. She affectionately called him "papa," a title that softened Togo's hardened exterior whenever she spoke it.

One sunny afternoon, Togo decided to take Ayano out shopping for new clothes. He was not accustomed to the delicate nuances of children's fashion, but for Ayano, he was willing to venture into unfamiliar territory. They walked together through the bustling streets, Togo's large hand engulfing Ayano's small one in a protective grip.

They entered a quaint boutique filled with colorful dresses, dolls, and toys that captured Ayano's attention. Togo's imposing presence caused the shop attendants to exchange nervous glances, but Ayano paid them no mind as she eagerly explored the displays.

"Pick out whatever ya like, baby," Togo rumbled in his deep, gravelly voice, his rough slang contrasting with the delicate surroundings. Despite his intimidating aura, there was a gentle warmth in his eyes whenever he looked at her.

Ayano's expression remained stoic as she carefully examined each item, her thoughts unreadable to those around her. She pointed at a beautiful dress adorned with lace and ribbons, her gaze fixed on it with a rare hint of excitement.

"Papa, can I have this one?" Ayano asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Togo nodded, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Sure thing, princess. Anything you want."

After selecting a variety of outfits, Togo and Ayano moved to the toy section. He watched as her eyes lit up, just a fraction, at the sight of dolls and stuffed animals. Togo picked up a plush rabbit, its ears floppy and soft.

"Would you like this, sweetheart?" he asked.

Ayano took the rabbit from his hands, her fingers closing around it tightly. Togo saw the faintest hint of a smile on her lips, a sight so precious it made his chest tighten with emotion. He added the doll to their growing collection of items. Anything she looked at with even a hint of interest, he got for her. Dresses, accessories, toys—nothing was too much for his little girl.

They left the store with bags full of new clothes and a few toys, Ayano clutching her new rabbit close with one arm while she clung to his hand. In the days that followed, Togo continued to spoil Ayano with anything she desired—whether it was a new dress, a favorite toy, or a sweet treat from the bakery down the street. Despite the harshness of his demeanor and the fear he instilled in others, with Ayano, Togo revealed a side of himself that few ever saw—a man capable of deep love and unwavering devotion to the little girl who had stolen his heart and called him "papa."

~~~~~

The dense canopy of trees cast a dappled shade over the forest floor as Togo Atatsuma, the feared and respected Yakuza underboss, led Ayano deeper into the woods. His rough exterior, with scars marking his face and hands, contrasted sharply with the tenderness he reserved solely for the little girl he now raised as his own.

Ayano, with her emotionless gaze and silent footsteps, followed closely behind, clutching the small backpack Togo had packed for her. Her face remained impassive, but Togo knew she was absorbing everything around her with a keen and calculating mind.

"Alright, princess," Togo grunted, his voice a gravelly baritone that could send shivers down the spine of any adversary, yet it held a strange gentleness when he spoke to Ayano. "First thing you gotta know is how to read the land. Nature's got a way of tellin' you where to go and what to avoid."

He crouched down, pointing at the ground, showing her how to identify animal tracks and signs of water sources. Ayano watched intently, her eyes following his every move.

"See this here?" Togo pointed to a set of tracks. "Deer. Means there's water nearby. Always keep an eye out for stuff like this. It'll save your life."

Ayano nodded, her face still a mask of calm. Togo felt a pang in his chest, knowing that teaching her these skills was necessary. His life in the Yakuza meant he wouldn't always be there to protect her, and she needed to learn to fend for herself.

"Next up, shelter," Togo said, standing up and scanning the surroundings. "Ain't no five-star hotel out here, but you gotta find a spot that'll keep you safe from the elements."

He led her to a small clearing with a fallen tree, explaining how to use natural materials to create a makeshift shelter. Ayano listened, her small hands working diligently as she mimicked his actions.

"Good job, baby," Togo praised, a rare smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Now, let's move on to the fun stuff—how to fight."

They moved to a more open area, where Togo demonstrated basic self-defense techniques. His movements were swift and precise, a testament to his years of training and countless battles. Ayano, with her small frame, tried to replicate his moves. Togo corrected her stances, adjusting her arms and legs, his touch gentle despite his formidable appearance.

"Remember, Ayano," he said, his voice low and serious, "you ain't always gonna have me around. You gotta be tough. You gotta be smart. Use your head, and never back down."

Ayano looked up at him, her expression unreadable, but Togo could see the determination in her eyes. She might not show emotions, but he knew she was taking everything to heart.

As the fire crackled low and the forest settled into nighttime stillness, Togo noticed Ayano's eyelids growing heavy. Her small form leaned against him, her breathing steady and calm. Gently, he lifted her into his arms, cradling her close as he stood up.

"You're a tough one, Ayano," Togo murmured softly, brushing a lock of hair from her face. "But even tough kids need their rest."

Ayano made no protest, her weight comfortably nestled against his chest. Togo navigated the darkening woods with ease, his steps sure and steady despite the uneven terrain. He kept a watchful eye out for any signs of danger, though he knew they were alone in these woods.

Finally reaching the edge of the forest where his car was parked, Togo carefully settled Ayano into the backseat. He tucked the blanket around her, ensuring she was warm and comfortable. Leaning over, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, a silent gesture of protection and love.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart," Togo whispered, his rough voice softened by affection.

He closed the car door quietly and walked around to the driver's side. Starting the engine, Togo glanced back at Ayano through the rearview mirror. Her face was peaceful in sleep, the lines of worry and stoicism smoothed away for the moment.

~~~~~

One evening, as the setting sun cast a warm glow over their modest home, Togo sat at the kitchen table, meticulously cleaning his pistol. His rough hands moved with practiced precision, each movement deliberate and controlled. The house was quiet except for the faint hum of the city outside, a stark contrast to Togo’s world of danger and crime.

Ayano, with her emotionless demeanor, approached him quietly. Her presence was almost ghostly, her footsteps barely making a sound on the wooden floor. She stood beside him, waiting patiently until he noticed her.

“What's up, sweetheart?” Togo asked, his voice gruff but softening when he spoke to her.

Ayano’s gaze remained steady as she spoke, “Papa, I want to take ballet lessons.”

Togo paused, looking up from his work. Ballet was the last thing he expected from his stoic daughter. He saw the determination in her eyes, even though her face remained expressionless. He knew this was important to her.

“You serious, kid?” he asked, setting the gun aside and giving her his full attention.

“Yes, Papa,” she replied simply.

Togo sighed, running a hand through his thick, dark hair. “Alright, if that’s what ya want, I’ll make it happen. Can’t deny ya anythin’, can I?”

Ayano nodded, a small gesture of gratitude. Togo saw it and felt a warmth spread through his chest. He'd do anything to make her happy, even if it meant stepping into unfamiliar territory.

A week later, they found themselves outside a ballet studio. Togo’s imposing figure stood out against the pastel colors and soft music emanating from inside. He felt out of place, his rough exterior and intimidating presence clashing with the delicate world of ballet.

Inside, mothers and daughters bustled about, preparing for the lesson. Togo held Ayano’s hand as they entered, his stern face causing heads to turn. The mothers eyed him with a mix of fear and judgment, their whispers barely concealed. They saw a criminal, a dangerous man who had no place in their serene world.

Togo ignored them, focusing solely on Ayano. He knelt down to her level, his hard features softening. “You go in there and show ‘em what you got, alright? I’ll be right here waitin’.”

Ayano nodded, her expression unchanging but her eyes revealing a spark of determination. She walked into the studio with her new ballet slippers, blending into the group of girls, ready to learn.

Togo took a seat on a bench in the waiting area, feeling the stares of the mothers. He crossed his arms, his face set in a scowl, daring anyone to say something. Despite his rough demeanor, his eyes never left the studio window, watching Ayano intently.

The mothers continued to whisper, casting nervous glances his way. Togo knew what they were thinking, but he didn’t care. His only concern was Ayano. He watched as she moved with a grace that seemed almost natural, her emotionless face focused on each step.

An hour passed, and the lesson ended. Ayano emerged from the studio, her face as stoic as ever. But Togo saw the slight relaxation in her shoulders, the tiny hint of contentment.

“How’d it go, kid?” he asked, standing up and ruffling her hair.

“It was good, Papa,” Ayano replied, her voice steady.

Togo smiled, a rare and genuine expression. “Good. We’ll keep comin’ back then.”

As they walked out, Togo felt the judgmental eyes on him but paid them no mind. His daughter’s happiness was all that mattered. He’d endure any amount of scrutiny and disdain if it meant seeing Ayano find joy in something, even if she didn’t show it the way other kids did.

From that day on, Togo became a regular fixture at the ballet studio, the only father amidst a sea of mothers. He was a harsh, intimidating figure, a man feared by many, but to Ayano, he was just Papa. And that was enough.

~~~~~

The life of a Yakuza underboss was a relentless and brutal one, and Togo Atatsuma was no stranger to the violence and chaos it entailed. Despite his harsh exterior and the fear he inspired in others, there was one person who saw a different side of him—his six-year-old daughter, Ayano.

Togo's days were a constant balancing act between his responsibilities as a leader in the Yakuza and his role as Ayano's father. His life was a whirlwind of meetings, confrontations, and dangerous missions, but he always made time for Ayano. She was the light in his otherwise dark world, and he was determined to protect and care for her.

One evening, after a particularly vicious turf war, Togo stumbled through the door of their home, bloodied and battered. His suit was torn, and his face bore fresh cuts and bruises. He barely managed to close the door behind him before collapsing against it, his breath ragged.

Hearing the commotion, Ayano appeared from the living room, her expressionless face betraying no hint of the concern she felt. Without a word, she ran to Togo, her small hands reaching out to touch his arm.

"Papa is hurt," she said quietly, her voice steady.

Togo looked down at her, his harsh features softening. "Hey, princess," he rasped, managing a pained smile. "It's just a scratch. Nothin' to worry 'bout."

But Ayano wasn't convinced. She led him to the couch, her grip firm despite her small size. Togo allowed himself to be guided, sinking onto the cushions with a groan. Ayano disappeared for a moment, returning with the first aid kit she knew so well.

She began to clean his wounds with practiced precision, her touch gentle yet efficient. Togo watched her with a mixture of pride and sadness. No child should have to learn these skills, but Ayano had adapted to their life with remarkable resilience.

As she worked, Togo couldn't help but think about the contrast between his two worlds. In the Yakuza, he was feared and respected, his word law. But at home, with Ayano, he was simply "papa," a role he cherished above all else.

"You shouldn't have to see me like this, Ayano," he muttered, wincing as she applied antiseptic to a deep cut on his arm.

Ayano paused, looking up at him with her emotionless eyes. "It's okay, papa. I want to help."

Togo's heart ached at her words. He reached out, cupping her cheek with his rough, calloused hand. "You're a good girl, Ayano. Too good for a father like me."

She didn't respond, her expression unchanged. But she leaned into his touch for a moment before continuing her work. Togo watched her in silence, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts. He knew the dangers of his life, the constant threat that hung over them. He had to find a way to balance it all, to ensure Ayano's safety and happiness.

When she finished, Ayano carefully packed up the first aid kit and set it aside. Togo pulled her into a gentle hug, mindful of his injuries. "Thanks, baby. You're my little angel, you know that?"

Ayano nodded against his chest, her small arms wrapping around him. "I know, papa."

For a long time, they stayed like that, the world outside their small home momentarily forgotten. Togo knew he had to keep fighting, not just for his position in the Yakuza but for Ayano's future. He would do whatever it took to protect her, to give her a life better than his own.

~~~~~

The house was cloaked in the silence of the night, save for the occasional creak of settling wood and the faint rustle of leaves outside. Togo Atatsuma lay sprawled across his bed, exhausted from another day balancing his brutal life as a Yakuza underboss with his responsibilities as a father. His sleep was deep and dreamless, a brief escape from the chaos that ruled his waking hours.

Suddenly, Togo felt a small weight settle on his chest. His eyes flickered open, instantly alert, hand instinctively reaching for the knife he kept under his pillow. But as his vision adjusted to the darkness, he saw the familiar outline of his daughter, Ayano, slipping under the covers beside him.

"Papa," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "There's a monster in my room."

Togo's heart softened at the sight of her, his fierce expression melting into one of concern. Despite her emotionless demeanor, Ayano sought him out for protection, a clear sign of the trust she placed in him.

He sat up, lifting her gently into his arms. "A monster, huh?" he muttered, his voice gruff but tender. "Ain't no monster gonna mess with my baby girl."

Ayano clung to him, her small hands gripping his shirt. Togo carried her back to her bedroom, the floorboards creaking under his heavy footsteps. Her room was dimly lit by a nightlight, casting long shadows across the walls.

"Alright, princess," Togo said, setting her down gently on her bed. "Where's this monster at?"

Ayano pointed toward the closet, her face expressionless but her eyes focused. Togo squared his shoulders and strode over to the closet, throwing the door open with a dramatic flourish.

"Listen up, you damn monster," he growled, his voice low and menacing. "If you keep messin' with my little girl, I'll come in here and beat the crap outta you myself. Got it?"

He waited a moment, staring into the darkness of the closet, then slammed the door shut with finality. Turning back to Ayano, he saw the faintest hint of relief in her eyes. He scooped her up again, cradling her against his broad chest.

"Monster's gone," he assured her, carrying her back to his bedroom. "Ain't nobody gonna hurt you while I'm around."

Ayano nestled against him, her small body fitting perfectly in the crook of his arm. Togo settled back into his bed, pulling the covers over them both. He began to hum a soft tune, one he remembered from his own childhood.

"The monster's gone, he's on the run, and your daddy's here," he sang quietly, his rough voice surprisingly gentle. "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful girl," He sang softly as he brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

Ayano's breathing began to slow, her eyes fluttering shut as she relaxed in his embrace. Togo continued to hum the soothing melody, his heart swelling with love for his little princess.

He tightened his hold on her, vowing silently to protect her from every danger, real or imagined. As they drifted off to sleep, Togo's last thoughts were of Ayano, the one bright spot in his dark world, the reason he fought so hard every day.

~~~~~

Togo Atatsuma knew that every step he took in his bloody business was a step closer to danger for both himself and Ayano. The latest skirmish with a rival clan had been particularly brutal, leaving him bloodied and battered once again. This time, he had taken more hits than usual, his body a canvas of bruises and cuts.

As he trudged home under the cover of night, he hoped Ayano would be asleep. He didn’t want her to see him like this again. Each step was a struggle, every breath a reminder of the violence he couldn’t escape. When he finally reached the front door, he paused, taking a moment to collect himself before quietly slipping inside.

The house was dark and silent. Togo moved cautiously, not wanting to wake Ayano. He made his way to her bedroom, intending to check on her before cleaning himself up. But when he pushed the door open, the room was empty.

"Ayano?" His voice, usually a growl, was barely a whisper. Panic began to claw at his chest as he quickly searched the small room. Her bed was undisturbed, and her favorite plush rabbit sat neatly on her pillow. But Ayano was nowhere to be found.

Togo’s heart pounded as he rushed through the house, checking every room, calling her name with increasing desperation. "Ayano! Where are ya, baby?!" His harsh voice echoed off the walls, but there was no answer.

Frantic, he returned to her bedroom, his eyes darting around for any clue. That’s when he saw it—a note pinned to Ayano's rabbit. His hands trembled as he snatched the paper, blood smearing across the words as he read:

"We have your baby girl. Payback for today. Come alone if you want her back."

The note was signed with the emblem of the enemy clan they had fought earlier. Togo's vision blurred with rage, his mind a storm of violent thoughts. They had taken Ayano. His Ayano.

"Those bastards," he growled, crumpling the note in his fist. He felt like destroying the world, tearing it apart piece by piece until he found her. His fists clenched and unclenched, his knuckles white. They didn't know who they were messing with. He would make them pay.

Togo grabbed his phone, dialing his most trusted lieutenants. "Get the boys together," he barked into the phone. "We got a situation. Those fuckers took Ayano."

The other end of the line was silent for a moment, then a voice responded, "Boss, we'll be ready. Where do you want us?"

"Meet me at the old warehouse," Togo said, his voice a dangerous calm. "And bring everything we got. We're gonna burn 'em to the ground."

He ended the call and grabbed his gun, his mind already racing with plans. He knew where they would be hiding her. He knew their tactics, their weaknesses. He would tear through their defenses, show them the true meaning of fear.

As he drove to the warehouse, his thoughts were consumed with Ayano. Her small, emotionless face flashed in his mind, her quiet strength. She was all he had, and he would do anything to get her back.

The warehouse was a flurry of activity when he arrived, his men gearing up, the air thick with tension. Togo’s presence commanded immediate attention, his bloodied appearance only adding to his intimidating aura.

"Listen up," he snarled, gathering his men. "They took my daughter. We ain't leavin' till we get her back and wipe those bastards off the map. No mercy. No survivors."

His men nodded, their faces grim and determined. They knew what Ayano meant to him, knew the lengths he would go to protect her. They were ready to follow him into hell.

With a roar of engines, they set off, a convoy of vehicles cutting through the night. Togo led the charge, his mind a dark whirlwind of vengeance. The enemy clan had made a grave mistake, and he would make sure they paid dearly for it.

As they approached the enemy hideout, Togo felt a cold, ruthless calm settle over him. This was his world, his domain. And anyone who dared to threaten his family would face the full force of his wrath.

They stormed the hideout with brutal efficiency, Togo leading the charge. Gunfire erupted, shouts and screams filling the air. Togo moved like a force of nature, cutting down anyone who stood in his way. His only thought was of Ayano, of getting her back safe.

Finally, he found her, locked in a small room, her face pale but unflinching. She looked up as he burst through the door, her eyes meeting his.

"Papa," she said quietly, as if she had known he would come.

Togo's heart ached with relief as he swept her into his arms, holding her close. "It's okay, baby," he murmured, his voice gentler than it had been all night. "Papa's here. I got you."

He carried her out, his men finishing off the last of the enemy clan. The battle was over, but Togo knew the war was far from done. He would always have enemies, always face danger. But as long as he had Ayano, he would fight with everything he had.

That night, as he sat with Ayano in their home, the blood and chaos of the day fading into memory, Togo made a silent vow. No matter what it took, he would protect her. She was his light, his reason for fighting. And he would never let anyone take her away again

~~~~~

Let me know if you guys want more! I fuckin love writing these

#yandere simulator au #ayano aishi #yandere simulator #yan sim #togo atatsuma #yandere simulator fanfic

13 notes · View notes

nicomrade · 1 year ago

Text

On being lost in the Labyrinth; a Souichi Kiruma and Kaoru Yukiide joint analysis.

I've been wanting to write about Souichi for a while now, but Usogui is BIG and DENSE and goes a LOT of places and Souichi (/Hachina Naoki/Hal) has unstable memory and his role in the story varies a lot (sometimes antagonist, deuteragonist, love interest, side-kick, … ) so... To properly talk about this in one coherent, whole way I had to limit my scope by A LOT so I'm going to look at Souichi through the lense of Kaoru Yukiide, the ways they mirror each other, where they differ and what it means for the broader themes of both Souichi's story and Usogui (manga) in general. And try my hardest to stay on topic.

The full piece turned out almost 7k words long so join me for a bit of a journey under the cut! I included as many images as tumblr allowed me to and it's sectioned in 6 parts including the short prologue so it's hopefully not too hard of a read. Cheers! 🐜🐝

0. Prologue

Kaoru Yukiide is a minor antagonist for the 1st part of the Labyrinth gamble (chapters 83 to 104) of Usogui. His active participation feels almost cut abruptly short but this is indicative of the kind of character he is. He’s no Sadakuni and no Vincent Lalo, he’s just Yukkii. But in those 20 chapters he’s given a full inner world and a full character arc. He is a complete character.

He was diagnosed at 12yo with Encephalitis lethargica (“sleepy sickness”) and at 15 he went into a coma. He’s the son of a police official involved in framing innocent people for crimes the wealthy committed, all for the sake of “keeping order”. His father framed his own wife in one of these schemes, and eventually took the blame for a higher-up’s crime himself. This is a duty and fate Kaoru inherited after waking up from his 10 years coma. He’s now the one who frames innocent people and he, too, will shoulder a death penalty for something he didn’t do. This catastrophic loss to Baku not only condemns his life it also made him realize how twisted his actions and his idea of order have been and it triggers another catatonic episode in him. He’s a character who’s been deeply hurt by following along with what his parents taught him was right without questioning it, and when this worldview crumbles, so does he. But his epilogue in chapter 147 is a happy one! Kaoru wakes up, and yes he now has to come to terms with all the harm he’s done and he feels like it would’ve been better if he’d stayed functionally dead, but he has people who care about him and who will help him. You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth.

I think Kaoru’s generally an easy character to find hope in- as someone who caused immense harm, but who was still a victim of his circumstances and got to have a second chance at life. In-story we have Marco who comments on the two of them being the same and a lot of what I will discuss here will apply in some measure to him too as a mentally ill character with an abusive dad. However, I find he has striking similarities with Souichi’s story specifically, and looking at the two together can help us shine a light on the complicated fate at the heart of Souichi’s character. I realize by using Kaoru as a tool to talk about someone else- a means to an end and not his own person- I’m perpetuating the very workings of his abuse. I’m sorry Yukkii :(

I. Inheritance

Souichi and Kaoru are both successors to their fathers and they were raised to follow in those footsteps. Souichi, as a Kiruma, is a member of a “sinful bloodline” and was always going to be 21st Leader of Kakerou. His dad raised him this way and put him under Eba’s guidance all so he could stand at the top of Kakerou- the ones who make sure the rules are obeyed perfectly.

[1. Vol 37 Ch. 404 Duwang translation 2. Vol. 9 Ch. 93 Easy Going Scans translation]

Kaoru was not strictly raised as a successor in this way but he inherited this vision of order from his dad, one where the ants that step out of line must be killed. Both him and Souichi are sons who took on that very heavy duty to “keep order” after their respective fathers, and they both became orphans from it. Kaoru’s mom was sacrificed by her husband, and then he sacrificed himself too, leaving Kaoru alone when he woke up at 25. Similarly, Souichi’s mom died before he was born and he will lose his father during the course of the story. He was orphaned, too.

This is not to imply that Tatsuki Kiruma (Souichi’s father) had a personality like Yukiide senior. Kaoru’s dad is characterized as borderline abusive, he is refused any real kind of redemption as we don’t even have a first name or a face to put on him during the Paper Labyrinth chapters. He is the shadow that haunts Kaoru, and he is talked about as the origin of this specific worldview. Tatsuki was an odd father but he was not responsible for his wife’s death and he, too, inherited this fate from his own parents. He is not the root cause of Souichi’s ill. Where Kaoru was lied to and manipulated into following in his father’s footsteps, Souichi became leader willingly. This is getting to the impact a heavy family history can have on someone (whether forced onto them or embraced by them) more than any one individual father’s harm.

The impact of that family history is shown in Kaoru with his sleepy sickness that makes him literally absent from his own life at times. It is a way for him to escape from the real world and the responsibilities and ideals pushed on him. I think it’s very meaningful that his big episode was triggered at 15, that’s right into his first year of highschool, soon an adult. And this mental harm is also seen in Souichi and his chronic memory loss. His own timeline is more vague than Kaoru’s but I think it’s fair to estimate Souichi was around 15 during the 1998 flashbacks, which is when he has a significant memory loss episode and also when he receives doctor feedback on this illness. It is first said to be without cause but later confirmed this is a way for him to remain “perfect” at all times, by throwing out the memory of his flaws and resetting himself back to a clean slate. This is how he is coping with this responsibility of being (or becoming) leader of Kakerou. In Kaoru, this weight puts him in a coma and creates a 10 years gap in his memory, for Souichi it will lead to him forgetting a length of 10 years after the Tower of Karma arc. Sounds familiar?

[vol42 Ch 454 Duwang translation]

What they’ve inherited from their fathers is not just this responsibility towards order, it is also more literally a spot where they have to resort to playing rigged games. Kaoru’s routine with the Paper Labyrinth game is revealed in the manga to be nothing more than a well-practiced script. We see a similar resort in Souichi for the Flying Vehicles bet where he simply has Baku’s (Kakerou appointed) men betray him. This way of approaching games goes against how the Usogui manga portrays gamblers. As shown in Drop the Handkerchief when Souichi admits re-using these sort of means for this game would not give him a “perfect victory” and when Baku congratulates him on “gambling” for the first time, a gambler in Usogui is not just someone who participates in gambles. They are a kind of person who is able to cling to a low chance of victory and keep to their unlikely plan the whole way through all because they aspire to something better than they already have. They are moving forward with no certainty of what will come of it because the reward is worth the risk to them. We see it in Kaji’s character arc, first someone who is the perfect prey to various scammers but who is then able to keep to his convictions and win the Contradictions game without killing his opponent.

Souichi and Kaoru are much closer to the Kaji in that 7-Stud Poker gamble (who is totally out of his depth the second things don’t go as he thinks they should, who loses large sums of money without truly registering it’s happening) than to him in his face-off against Floyd Lee. Think of Souichi accepting and then losing the bet with Baku on the Missile Launch for a grandiose sum, or how he hides behind Yakou in the tunnel. Kaoru is a volatile character during his games, incapable of thinking on his feet (he freezes completely when Kaji interrupts him), think of his outbursts against Kaji or Kadokura that he frames as righteous. The two of them are only performing for the sake of rules and order. They aren’t gamblers because they don’t have that thirst for something better, their drives are completely extinct. They have accepted their situation despite the harm it’s causing, all for the “greater good”.

[Vol48 ch523 Duwang translation]

Their common obsession with puzzles (Kaoru’s Labyrinths and Souichi’s Rubik’s Cubes) is part of this drive for rules and keeping order. Chapter 101 gives us this narration: "Upon first glance, the bewilderment and fear of not knowing what lies ahead reminds one of disorder. But, in ancient times, people created and solved these [mazes and puzzles] to acquire the feelings of relief and order." This text is illustrated by a jigsaw puzzle, a sliding block puzzle, Picross, Tetris and, on the next panel, a Labyrinth as Kaoru knows them. This explains the symbolism behind the Labyrinth Gamble for the Police Department (“The Labyrinth [...] doesn't just solve unsolved cases, they are being solved at the hands of the police.") but also for Kaoru himself. This is a way to fulfill his own need for order, and this idea applies to Souichi too. The Rubik’s Cubes give him relief throughout the story with too many appearances to list comprehensively. We see it as a memory exercise (post-memory loss in the Hangman tunnel, chapter 64), as a motif on a childhood T-Shirt (chapter 412), it simply helps him think (he’s seen playing with one at Gakuhito’s, chapter 273), and the imaginary cubes in Drop the Handkerchief. This culminates in the Rubik’s Cube becoming a symbol of Souichi himself as made explicit in chapter 521. By seeing himself reflected in the cube he is made to be the object of his own obsession. Solving the Cube then becomes his urge to “solve himself”. It is dehumanizing and belittling of his own (very real!) mental problems to view himself as a puzzle that exists for the only purpose of being solved- and that CAN be solved at all. What’s the “true ending” of the human mind? This is not something that has any answer or exit. We know that by the end of 2008, Souichi has resetted his memory 138 times. Souichi and Kaoru are trapping themselves in their own Labyrinths here.

[1. vol10 Ch101 Easy Going Scans Translation 2. vol48 ch521 Duwang translation]

In a way, Kaoru IS the Minotaur: a son who was locked away to his Labyrinth where he is fed innocent victims regularly, both victim and executioner, all because of his father’s sins. Along with Souichi, they are two kids who were groomed into taking their father’s place and have shouldered the weight that came with it from a very young age, and this weight has formed cracks in their minds. This is their way of coping with their fate: they stop being fully present in their own lives, they stop wishing for more, and they blame themselves.

II. Worker Ant and Prince Bee

It’s made clear during Kaoru’s breakdown that ultimately, he too, was an ant. In that final moment before losing consciousness he remembers how, as a child, he did not crush the ant that had strayed out of line. He’d tried to guide it back with its peers, but it did not follow and was accidentally killed. I think both Kaoru and Souichi are acting a version of this story on themselves, both as the child and as the ant. They are forcing themselves to stay in line, hurting and killing themselves slowly for “the greater good”.

[both vol10 ch102, easy going scans translation]

Souichi is likened to an insect as well within the story, he’s Hachina (“蜂名”, 蜂 “hachi” meaning bee), the Prince Bee, the Lost Bee, etc. From that shared bug symbolism we have to remember Souichi’s super-organism speech- a kind of organism that necessitates the loss of individuality for the well-being of the hive. Tatsuki brings this concept up to say the Private Funeral Division and the police as a whole are in such an organism, which would include Kaoru too. Even only going by the definition it’s easy to interpret him as in such a place, “just a cog in a machine”, and the same can be said of Souichi. They are both included in the ones losing their individuality to keep the system alive: “Even the Queen will draw her blood or sacrifice her life for the system.”. This self-sacrifice is something Souichi takes pride in: “[He] isn’t even worth an insect”. He rationalizes his own resolve to harm himself (“being prepared to bleed”) as something he is doing right.

[both Vol 24 ch 257 Duwang translation]

This loss of individuality is seen in how Souichi’s identity has been fragmented. He is “Souichi Kiruma” when he is acting as Leader and “Naoki Hachina” for public-facing matters- disregard that the two often overlap as seen in chapter 68. He was taught not to "build too deep a relationship with anyone" (chapter 273), and his memory loss routinely erases the memory of his bonds anyway. He allows his personal history to be rewritten for the sake of Kakerou (accepting that he did not face Baku Madarame but Kaoru Yukiide on April 9th 2001) and lastly he positions himself as non-human in his introductory scene with the Alien Invasion speech. This speech will come back a 2nd time during Air Poker when he gains full control of his memory, it is iconic of Souichi’s character and it is worth looking more deeply into.

[Vol6 Ch55 Duwang translation]

The image evoked here is that of an alien leader, “we” means the alien society as a whole- in this case it’d be Kakerou. Just like in the super-organism speech, he views himself as only one element in something much bigger than himself. This really puts the dehumanization into perspective. He’s a bee, he’s a super-organism, he’s an alien. He’s just barely a name, and not even a face. It takes the manga until the very end of chapter 68- the conclusion of the Hangman gamble- to show us Souichi’s face properly. It is completely obscured during the Alien Invasion scene and the referees do not call him by name. He’s just a faceless leader. He’s so little of a person already, and digging into the alien analogy only furthers this idea.

Alien Invasions as a trope also come with the “take me to your leader” shtick, that IS reflected in the story if we look at who Souichi has directly interacted with in the manga. He’s first introduced outside of flashbacks when he personally comes to the Hangman gamble to see Sadakuni, the leader of a terrorist organization. He gambles with Commissioner Sasaoka during the Tower of Karma arc. He invites Vincent Lalo, leader of Ideal, to meet him. He seeks out and shadows Nobuko during Protoporos, who will be crowned King and is shown as the strongest player on the island. Only then does he seek out a meeting with Baku, after he’s won the Ban and has earned that right. The point is, he only really interacts as a Leader and with other Leaders- it’s from one super-organism to another. He only deals with other people as parts of their own collective, this is the same world view as Kaoru’s with his ants that cannot exist outside of the collective. They both dehumanize others and themselves and this is something they’ve inherited from their fathers (the super-organism speech being started by Tatsuki Kiruma).

The dehumanization inherent to their places is also seen in the shadowy figures that haunt Kaoru and Souichi. Kaoru’s represents the memory of his dad, it tells him what to do and what to think, he looks to it for reassurance. Souichi’s takes the shape of a stretched version of himself that act upon him (as an alien does the human it kidnapped, and like Kaoru does to his ants.) These are two strikingly similar manifestations of the inner workings of their suffering minds. More than that, Souichi and Kaoru’s goal, here, is to fully BECOME that shadowy figure that haunts their psyche. That faceless, nameless existence is representative of what’s already succumbed to the super-organism. It’s something that takes over Kaoru when he gives in to the idea that anything can be justified for the sake of order and it’s the part of Souichi that dictates the memory resets. Their shadow is the part of them that’s “prepared to bleed”. It is the ideal ant. Let it be noted, then, that Kaoru becoming one with his is drawn in the same way as Souichi is when we first see him.

[the shadowy figures. Vol10 Ch98 Easy Going Scans Translation + Vol42 Ch454 Duwang Translation]

[Vol 10 ch98 Easy Going Scans translation + Vol 2 Ch 14 Duwang translation]

This is where the comparison takes its full meaning. It is obvious from Kaoru’s story that he is a victim of his situation; that he was manipulated into taking his father’s place by someone he trusted during his most vulnerable moment. He had just lost all that remained of his family, of course he’ll chase after the only thing he has left of it (his father’s spot in the Labyrinth game). Telling him not to is only making him believe that he had more agency in this decision than he really had. Can we say the same for Souichi?

Compared to Kaoru’s worker ant, Souichi holds much more power and freedom. This is reflected in his family situation being healthier and in him willingly stepping to the Leader role instead of being manipulated into it, as discussed previously. It then begs the question, since Souichi realizes that this is harmful to him, that his very humanity is being taken apart, why doesn’t he leave? Being Leader of Kakerou is not a lifelong duty, his dad retired and became referee almost 10 years before he died. Even without an heir to succeed him, couldn’t Souichi find a way? Is the system really worth all this harm?

III. November 23rd 1998

In 1998 Souichi has a memory loss episode and wonders around, following the instructions Eba gave him to find his way back. During this period he meets Baku Madarame and as per the Prince Bee narration they filled the hole in each others hearts.

[Vol30 Ch323 Duwang Translation]

Baku also gave him a new name- Hal- and generally showed him another way of living. One that is much more chaotic, dangerous, but also much more free. This is his alternative to Kakerou and being assimilated into the super-organism. After some time he gets his hands on the clue that will allow him to meet up with Eba, but before that there is a gamble he decides to take. That is the Russian Roulette Poker game against Fukurou on November 23rd. Souichi- Hal- usurped Baku’s place and decided to take the gamble himself. Despite the common in-story interpretation, this was not a sacrifice he made for Baku (see chapter 455). It is something he did for himself.

The reason he takes that gamble is because he’s a man of rules. He wants to stay by Baku’s side but he can’t just abandon his duty at Kakerou like this, and most importantly, he doesn’t want to make the choice himself. To decide for himself has consequences, it’d mean he, on purpose, betrayed his bloodline. It’d mean he broke the unwritten rule that it is his duty, as a Kiruma, to lead Kakerou. So instead, he turns to leaving his fate to a gamble. If he wins, it would be his sign to forsake his Souichi Kiruma life and stay by Baku’s side, but if he loses Hal would die.

There is a suicidal drive in this. We know Souichi did survive his loss and that the gamble took place in the building owned by Eba; there were preparations in place to facilitate his survival. Despite this, it is my reading that he was truly, fully, prepared to lose his life if he couldn’t keep being Hal- if he had to go back to being Souichi. Regardless of his intent at the time (if he did bet on his survival or not) there is weight to that symbol. Hal- Souichi- put a gun to his head because he yearned for something else, and in chapter 321 as Souichi in 2001 explains that he’ll kill himself if Baku wins Surpassing the Leader, we are then shown a scene from November 23rd of a black-suited man laying on the floor, presumably dead. This was suicide, if not on a literal level, on a symbolic one. It really did “kill Hal”- the only part of him that didn’t belong to Kakerou.

[Vol 30 ch321 Duwang translation. Notice the date on the clock.]

This leaving of things to fate brings us back to the Alien Invasion speech again, but in a flipped perspective of it. Another big part of alien stories is the alien abduction. Its appeal as a trope is the fantasy of being forcefully taken away and changed forever. Now, Souichi would no longer be the alien but the human the aliens act on. It’s an inversion of our original reading of it and it does position Hal in the picture instead. In a way, he has already been “taken away and changed forever” in 1998. His thread to return home was intercepted by Baku (the Prince Bee picture book) and he had to follow him into this new lifestyle. He feels like he “will never be able to become [himself] again” (chapter 321). But the aliens always bring the person back home in the end, and they have to carry on with that memory (and alien abduction stories also come with their share of memory loss, another one of Souichi’s motifs). What I really want to get to here is this duality of the invasion speech. On one hand, Souichi is the Aliens and a part of something greater, and on the other, Hal is the individual being taken away.

[Vol30 Ch321 Duwang translation.]

Souichi will try to escape his fate of being the alien again. During the Lost Bee arc, he has another major memory loss incident and he flees so he can meet with Eba secretly (having forgotten that Eba is now dead). During that escape he meets Baku again and from there the Protoporos arc starts, an arc where Souichi willingly takes on the name of Hal again. He will cling to this identity, seeking out his missing memories (chapter 449 for one exemple), looking for that place outside of Kakerou’s reach once more. Just for a little while, he is indulging in this special permission he is given to be Hal until the Ban ends. Then, the game is over and he has to be Souichi Kiruma again. Hal goes back to the dead, reburied, it’s over, it’s gone.

[vol43 ch469 Duwang translation]

This is also relevant to the end of Air Poker. During the game, he realizes that his systemic erasure of memories under stress will make him lose, that this aim to be perfect has rotted his brain, and that it’s nothing but a pipe dream (chapter 455). He finally accepts the fact that every person is flawed- only to then turn around and decide that therefor he has to try even harder to be perfect. He views his newfound control over his memory, of what he forgets and what he keeps, as proof of his extraordinary being. He thinks that even though no human can, HE can get close to perfection. It’s Icarus building himself a 2nd pair of wax-wings and giving the sun another try. The mythological comparison applies a bit further than that too. Icarus is the son of the architect of the Labyrinth. His father warned him not to fly too low or too high, which is to say not to want too little or too much. Tatsuki taught Souichi that “to be able to enjoy a delicious meal, to feel pain when you see blood, or wanting to avoid being hurt and hurting others" that is the default state of being he should seek. Instead, Souichi embraced his hubris, as discussed this role where he is “prepared to bleed” is something he takes pride in. He is no longer flying to escape the Labyrinth he was put in but to reach the sun itself despite having already fallen into the sea once before. It’s a fool’s errand.

[1. vol42 ch455 Duwang translation and 2.vol46 ch496 Duwang translation]

This contradiction arises from the fact that he did try being human and flawed before! He is not naively refusing to change. He already tried being Hal and he died for it! He died. He has no other option: “A dead person cannot be revived." (chapter 496). There is no alternative for Souichi, yes he is the Prince Bee, yes he is the ruler of the mind-breaking machine, son of the Architect, but he cannot escape his bloodline on his own. No matter his place in the system he cannot win against it. He is powerless to change things for the better as long as he is navigating within its rules.

IV. The Place That You Belong

There is a recurring idea in Usogui (manga) of the place that people belong to. It’s presented as something everyone has, and that as long as they’re there everything will turn out right for them. It’s “the stage that you shine on” (chapter 539), etc. Souichi explains this idea himself in the epilogue. Are you where you’re meant to be? Are you betraying yourself by refusing to stand in the right place?

[vol49 ch539 Duwang translation]

This concept is relevant to every character in Usogui but it’s best illustrated by Baku and Kyara. In Kyara’s fight against Jonglyo it is his bond with Baku that makes him win, the place that he belongs is by Baku’s side (chapter 384). This is why he lost against Marco during the Hangman arc, and never lost again. Baku’s only ever lost the Flying Vehicles bet, which he lost on purpose: he is already at the place that he belongs. This why they are the two characters who “keep on winning” no matter what, because they are following their “correct path”. It is why you want to be where you belong and why you belong there in the first place, because as long as you keep to it you will keep on “winning”.

For Kaoru I think it’s obvious the Labyrinth gamble is NOT where he belongs. As mentioned, he’s gambling while not being a gambler himself and he’s completely out of his depth when things are out of his script. He’s not even fulfilling his wish to “keep order”- he’s never solved a single labyrinth, he’s never saved a single person.

After his failure against Fukurou, Souichi resigns himself to accepting Kakerou as the place he belongs. But is that really true? As discussed, you know you’re on the right path because you keep on winning. In Hangman he had this to say: "A life in which I continue to win forever... I guess that's just my destiny?" (chapter 56) but it’s demonstrably not true! Souichi does lose! He lost his bet for the book in 1998, he lost against Fukurou, he didn’t manage to take over Tipa, and he lost Drop the Handkerchief. If it was his place to be Leader of Kakerou at that time he wouldn't have lost Surpassing the Leader. He isn’t Baku or Kyara. He is not where he belongs.

So if it’s not by Baku’s side and it’s not at the head of Kakerou either, where does Souichi belong, then? There are times that Souichi miraculously “wins”. We see it in Air Poker where he overcomes his memory loss and regains ALL discarded memories, and we see it when he wakes up in the hospital during the epilogue. These miraculous recoveries, I think, are indicative that he was doing something right at those times. The common thread between the two is that Souichi (or Hal) was acting in Baku’s interest without totally disowning his ties with Kakerou. He invites Fukurou to become a referee at the end of Air Poker and he steps up to being Leader again during the epilogue, but in the 1998 flashbacks he was hiding his bloodline and denied knowing what Kakerou was. This blatant lie is the narrative reason that made him lose against Fukurou, and his rejection of ever having been changed by Baku is what made Kakerou wrong for him afterwards. He does not belong anywhere until he stops living these lies. He cannot abandon Kakerou OR Baku, he needs both.

This is the reason Souichi and Kaoru became prey to the Lie-Eater. They were living their respective lies, and so Usogui came and ate them up. “It all began with a small lie” (chapter 535).

[vol6 ch 64 Duwang translation]

Kaoru should’ve died from this defeat after he was made to shoulder Baku’s loss at Surpassing the Leader, but he was saved in extremis by his own mental illness. He fell unconscious and this was judged as “collection on his life” enough for Kadokura so he was spared. He got to wake up in a hospital post-canon, free of this place he did not belong to, and still living. This is also the pattern Souichi follows. It is his mental illness that makes him lose Drop the Handkerchief, his memory loss episode that made him forget about the leap second and that Baku exploited. This defeat at Surpassing the Leader means he is now free of his duty to be Leader, and it allows him to later wake up in the hospital like Kaoru did. He can now be his own person, without any lies, without killing his mind to stay perfect- the very thing he’d tried to do on his own and failed. In a way, wasn’t he saved by his illness, too? And isn’t it their respective flaws that let them become their own person again, that re-humanized them?

In a lesser way this is also reflected in the Referee who presides over the Labyrinth gambles, Yuudai Kadokura. He’s characterized as a man of restraint during the arc. He, too, is obsessed with carrying out his job perfectly and tries his best to contain his emotions. “Please excuse me... Momentarily, I, Kadokura Yuudai, have unintentionally made a face that was a little indiscreet." (chapter 91) and this self-restraint will be lifted after he suffers (and recovers from) brain damage. It’s their mental ill that saved Souichi and Kaoru and that lifted Kadokura’s chains.

Usogui (manga) as a whole has more to say about this idea that it is our flaws that make us human. We see it in the Hangman gamble, when Sadakuni is hanged. He first claims he’s not afraid of death but in his final moments he thrashes and struggles and admits he doesn’t want to die here. Baku comments: “I won't let you die as a monster. You should at least die as a human.” (chapter 66). This explicitly conflates someone’s humanity with this display of desperation. It asks the question, can you accept your own death gracefully and remain human? What is being human but to fight tooth and nails for more out of life? Isn’t being alive inherently grotesque? This is also reflected in the ending of Air Poker in Vincent Lalo’s final, ugly, moment, just to name one other example. We are back to Tatsuki’s definition of what being “normal” is like, and it is this human fear of death and blood that makes the gamble against Commissioner Sasaoka work. Generally, it is the thirst for things that you don’t have and the willingness to fight for them no matter how unsightly you get that makes us truly alive- like a gambler is. This is reflected in the Protoporos arc when Champ chooses to stay on the island because he feels alive for the first time after having gambled with Baku as well as in Kaji’s character arc more broadly.

[Vol7 ch66 Duwang translation + vol38 ch 412 Duwang translation]

For all that Souichi tried to erase his failures and reach perfection he was only making himself less and less human. It’s only when he let his true desires show in Drop the Handkerchief and that he truly fought to “one up” Baku that he started to approach something that rings true. To be human is to be flawed and to accept and remember this, and grow stronger from having tasted defeat. And it is this defeat, that honest and bitter defeat, of Souichi at Drop the Handkerchief that leads to the realization of the Prince Bee story’s happy ending- the Prince Bee Duo rising up.

On a surface level, if Baku had lost again there was no way for him NOT to die this time with how weak we know his body to be (see, the Labyrinth Minotaur game and the Dotty game). But more than that, Souichi had to lose and stop being Leader so he could be himself, so he could stop lying about who he is. He cannot change his bloodline, he cannot stop being a Kiruma, but he cannot stop yearning for something more either. He’s a flawed, weird little guy and he will always be changed from Baku’s presence in his life. This defeat returns his humanity to him and it allows him to reconcile the contradictory positions he was in. He can then embrace that he IS Baku’s ally, and he IS Kakerou, too, and come back as his full self and no longer forced to keep people at arm’s length. That is the true place he belongs, both Leader of Kakerou and Baku’s friend.

[all three are vol49 ch 539, Duwang translation]

Both Souichi and Kaoru had to bear the weight of their fathers’ inheritance so much so that they hurt themselves and lost their very humanity, all to stay somewhere they shouldn’t be. It is their flaws that free them, but it is also the people around them who saved them. It’s Baku speaking up that Kaoru is “pretty much already dead”, it is the summon for Hal to wake up because “if it’s you, it will be alright.”. They woke up knowing people cared for them and sincerely wished for their recoveries. They were accepted fully for who they are, sinful bloodline and flaws and all, and with their curse lifted they can now return that care, too.

→ You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth. If it is forcing you to harm yourself and is keeping you isolated, then it is not the place that you belong.

[vol 14 ch147 Duwang translation + vol49 ch538 Duwang translation]

V. Conclusion

We see this loose pattern ripple in other characters. Kaji and Marco are grappling with what they’ve inherited from their parents too (namely, abuse) and it is through Baku’s support and help that they could set their minds free from this influence. As symbolic of the turning point where they can truly start to heal is their stay in a hospital (Marco post-Labyrinth gamble, Kaji on bed rest during Protoporos). To truly break free comes with being hurt deeply before becoming anew. It will be different but it will be okay.

The motif of dysfunctional or fragmented families generally runs rampant, most characters with known backstories have some sort of family troubles from our main characters to one-off antagonists (Marco and Kaji as mentioned but also Kyara, Satoru Suteguma, the Yakou twins, Voja, Jonglyo, Mitaka, and so on). Usogui (manga) features a lot of parents who suck absolute ass, yes, but it also more generally touches on the way parents shape their children even in healthier families- think Ranko taking over her dad’s mafia, the sons who’ve never faced consequences because their fathers are powerful, etc.

In light of this, the fact that our protagonist is someone who is seemingly completely devoid of family starts to stand out. We do not get to know anything about Baku’s parents, his childhood, how he was raised, etc, anything from before he was already a well-established gambler within Kakerou. This is very significant in a main protagonist, who we’d usually know a lot more about. It separates him from the weight of inheritance, only he is free of those bonds that tie someone to their family (or lack of it)- for better or for worse.

This feeds into the repeated use in the story of Surpassing the Leader as a way to lose your “bonds”. It’s stated Baku lost that 1st STL bet to get rid of this past that tied him to Hal, when Souichi loses Drop the Handkerchief he escapes his bloodline, and it’s the thing that’s pinned on Yukkii and frees him of his Labyrinth. This is the big “reset” button featured in the story but its point is not to go on with life devoid of relationships and ties to other people. No, Baku does rebuild his bond with Hal, Souichi comes back to Kakerou a healthier man, and the last scene Kaoru sees before falling unconscious is himself as a child holding both his parents’ hands. Loss is always painful but it often cannot be avoided (may it be to break free of an abusive family or a toxic job, or because a loved one dies, etc) and bonds are what shape us. The two ideas coexist. You cannot go on without any attachment to anyone. This is seen in the “planting seeds” imagery of chapter 320, all lives are interwoven and ripple against each other to grow and become something else.

Bonds are also the strength and support you gain from other people, it is how Kyara wins against Jonglyo, and it is Souichi’s parting words in Handkerchief: “It is you who made us stronger.” (chapter 530). Who can ever hope to leave the Labyrinth without Ariadne’s gift of yarn to guide them out? It is the two Bees’ friendship that’s at the core of the picture book, and it is also those relationships between people (good or bad), and love, that’s at the core of Usogui, too. To be loved and to love someone is to be changed.

[Vol 35, ch384, Duwang translation]

#usogui meta #souichi kiruma #yukiide kaoru #usogui #original title was cogs in a machine but the labyrinth symbolism kind of took over which was for the best

29 notes · View notes

she-karev · 6 months ago

Text

Intervention (Marina Angst Imagine)

Previous Part Here

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: Two of Three

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Characters: Carina DeLuca and Maya Bishop

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 1

Mental Health Resources: https://www.nami.org/, https://www.aacap.org/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, https://afsp.org/

Summary: After breaking down in Maya’s arms Carina calms down and talks to her about what happened with Maya offering advice on how she can help her brother. She then holds an intervention for Andrew who breaks down in tears.

Words: 1740

Maya brings two cups of earl grey tea to Carina on the couch. She calmed down after crying in Maya’s arms for ten minutes. Maya was able to change into Carina’s pajamas so she can be properly dressed while getting to the bottom of her girlfriend’s dilemma. It surprised Maya how Carina cried and sobbed in her apartment because usually Maya is the one in their relationship to be near to tears. But it’s not gonna stop her from being a good girlfriend to a woman who deserves all the love in the world that hopefully Maya can give her from now on.

Carina is still sitting on the couch in her living room looking down at her hands in torment. Maya puts the tea in front of her on the coffee table before sitting next to her. Maya takes a sip before starting.

“So, are you ready to talk about what’s wrong?”

Carina sighs and takes a beat before looking at Maya with red rimmed eyes. She clears her throat that is hoarse from the sobs, “You remember how I told you my dad has bipolar one?”

Maya nods, “You said that.”

“Well, my…” Carina sniffles and sips her tea to calm down, “My sweet baby brother has inherited it.”

Maya nods keeping a neutral face, “Okay well mental illness is scary but we’ve both seen it on the job and know that with the right treatment he can control this.”

Carina whimpers, “He doesn’t want to, he’s convinced there is nothing wrong with him but everything is. He spent the last two years being madly in love with his girlfriend, asking her to move in and worshipping her. But in the past two months he has verbally lashed out at her, kicked her out, ignored her calls and did everything our father did to our mother when he first started getting worse. I know this because I shielded Andrea from that when I could and maybe…maybe if he saw it, he would see he is repeating the pattern.” Carina starts to tear up, “And when he screamed out loud that his patient was being trafficked it was like seeing my papa at his absolute worst. He was right the patient was being trafficked but the way he acted and the way he handled it…it isn’t how the Andrea I grew up with would have helped that girl. And now…now he’s at a low that always comes after the mania and I don’t know what to do.”

Carina grabs a tissue and wipes her tears away and blows her nose while Maya rubs her back in circles to keep her centered, “I don’t know what to do.” Carina repeats in a broken voice.

Maya looks at Carina with sympathy understanding where she is coming from, “My brother has problems too. Mason was the black sheep in the family, everything he did pissed my dad off, him coming in third, him quitting track, him taking up art. I was the daughter for him to bask in the glory of my medals while my brother was the artistic idiot who couldn’t do anything right by his book. And even when I did everything right it still wasn’t enough for the man but Mason had it worse.” Carina holds Maya’s hand while she continues, “Running was like a drug for me and for Mason…drugs were his drug. I was so busy trying to please our father and winning at all costs that I didn’t pay attention when he ran away from home until it was too late. The last time I saw him was two years ago when I found out he was living on the streets. I tried to make things right, I offered to let him live with me but he was stubborn like your brother is. I gave up after that because I couldn’t force Mason to overcome his problems…but I still could have let him know if and when he wanted help, I would be there for him.”

Carina looks at Maya in awe before she continues, “When Jack had PTSD, we were worried and we wanted to help so we held an intervention for him. It was a bust but eventually he saw the problem and we helped him get better. I think it helped that he had a room full of people who wanted to show him that it was okay to have an illness. It helped that he could see despite what he thinks he has a family to help him back on his feet. I think your brother needs that because from what you told me he is going further down the rabbit hole and needs to get out.”

Carina shakes her head tearing up, “I-I can’t, he’ll hate me I know he will.”

Maya kneels down on the floor holding Carina’s hands in support, “I know your scared but he needs help.”

“I tried he won’t let me.” Carina reminds Maya with a lump in her throat.

“He needs more help than you can give him from people who know what to do. He needs to see that he can get a handle on this otherwise he will never be the brother you know and love again.”

Carina shakes her head again, “He’ll hate me.”

“No he won’t, he doesn’t. Once he hears how much this is hurting you, he will realize he needs help. And when he does, he’ll love you for getting him out of his bad place, I know he will because it’s how I felt after I admitted what my dad did to me was abuse.”

Maya carefully wipes a stray tear from Carina’s cheek, “I don’t know if I can do this to him.”

“You’re not doing anything to him you’re doing this for him. Right now, you’re the only one who loves him enough to do this for him. Okay?”

Carina takes a moment sitting on the couch inhaling and exhaling before nodding slightly, “Okay.”

The Next Day

Carina almost backs out of the intervention she is currently leading right now when she sees how broken and scared Andrew looks when he steps into the room and realizes what is going on. She thinks about doing what she did as a child with their papa and bring him to bed, feed him when he gets hungry and wait for the depression to pass and the happy mood to return. But she knows she can’t, she knows that it would just repeat the pattern and her fears would come true. So, she stays, perched on the arm of a chair, gripping the notebook in her hands so hard that her knuckles turn white.

She tried to get his ex-girlfriend Amber Karev to be there hoping seeing her will make him see the hurt in her eyes that he caused. But she said no stating she has been hurt enough by him and she knows when to walk away from more pain. At first, she was angry when Amber walked away but as a daughter of a mentally ill man, she understands the frustration that comes with it. And with her brother Aaron inheriting her mother’s illness and Andrew lashing out when it happened to him it’s understandable, she would be burned out. She only hopes her, Bailey and Webber are enough to make him see the truth.

She regrets saying no to Maya’s offer to be there with her, missing the firefighter’s presence as she observes her brother’s pale face and drawn features, immediately reluctant to participate in this charade. She closes her eyes for a moment and tries to hear Maya’s voice in her head, telling her that she is doing the right thing and reassuring her that everything will be okay.

All eyes are on her as she stands and reads the words that she and Maya spent all night writing and rewriting agonizing over what words to use. She can barely look him in the eyes at first, frightened of seeing hate or anger, but when she begs him to accept their help, she looks straight at him, her eyes pleading with him and silently asking that he hears her.

She gets nothing back, just mild disdain that he is being put through this nonsense.

Doctor Webber is next and he tells Andrew that he’s special – and he is, Carina has always thought so. Then Bailey tries to appeal to him telling him about her OCD and how she manages it with therapy and medication, but every time they tried, they hit a wall.

Soon he admits he feels shame for breaking the only goal he had in life that mattered, not ending up like their father. His explanation breaks her heart, because all he wants is to not be like their father and she knows that he isn’t anything like Papa, but the illness is overwhelming, it always has been. She tells him that, but he rejects her and gets angry and she understands that anger more than anything because she feels it herself.

He grips the door handle to leave but his emotions become too much and he ends up banging the door closed, over and over again, and it makes her jump because he has always been the calm one compared to her fiery nature. She watches him slide to the floor and he goes to comfort him like she did when they were kids and he could get scared hearing their parents’ fight. She sits beside him and remembers Maya’s words and asks him to let them help him. To trust them, to trust her to take care of him when he can’t take care of himself.

Carina feels the love for him in the room and she prays that he can feel it too. And finally, he relents and he leans into her, like he did when he was small, curling into her and letting her clean the tears from his cheeks. They are blocking the door but no-one rushes them to move, and Carina soothes him in their native Italian, promising him that everything is going to be okay and willing herself to believe it as much as him.

After what seems like an eternity he finally relents and says okay, allowing himself to get into treatment. Carina sniffles and pulls her baby brother in for a hug, finally feeling like things are going to be okay for them.

Next Part Here

#greys anatomy #greysedit #grey's anatomy #greysanatomyedit #maya bishop #carina deluca #maya x carina #carina x maya #maya and carina #marina #lgbtq #lgbt pride #queer #queer romance #mental heath support #mental heath awareness #mentalheathawareness #mental illness #mental health

9 notes · View notes

connectionterminated13 · 11 months ago

Text

This story takes place in my AU death swap, Basically a lot of the deaths are swapped Charlie is alive Sammy is dead, Michael gets his self grabbed by circus baby and Elizabeth does Michael's role in sister location and gets herself scooped. Now Evan who survived the bite and became a murder guy just like his dear old dad. This is right after the events of Elizabeth waking up and being found by Charlie Evans coming in to give the more information on what happened. Or so they think Evans about to lie through his teeth for like 3 minutes straight

Sorry if there's a couple mistakes I really pushed this out to make the day! but it was really fun having to write things quicker :3

TW: Mentions of blood, death, mental illness, Murder.

Anyway my submission for the last day of the bash @and-stir-the-stars I hope you like it!

Evan stood outside of the building. It was in a bit of a dirty part of town but was still nice enough.. honestly it was better than he was expecting. His boots didn't even get that dirty as he walked over to the collection of buzzers on the outside of the apartment looking for Elizabeth's apartment number.

Evan pressed the correct button and cleared his voice.

“Hello”

Susie's voice hasn't changed a bit in the almost 7 years since he spoke to her. Evan expected being in a band would make her voice louder, bigger but no it was still that delicate pageant girl voice that had been trained into her.

“Hey it's me Evan! Here to see Charlie and my sister!” Evan couldn't help but smile to himself despite the bite ruining his face and head, he still had inherited his father's buttery British accent.

“I thought I told you to go shove a stick up your ass…” and The nice Christian slightly overweight, pageant girl was gone and the Punk girl who thought she was interesting was back.

Evan was hoping the charisma that he had been practicing almost his whole life would get her to be a little bit less obnoxious..

Evan replied with a good natured laugh hiding his annoyance. “Funny but Susie this is serious if you could just open the door for me I love that!”

He heard a bit of chatter too far for the small speaker to pick up. Charlie had intervened, thank God he liked Charlie.

“Sorry about her Evan! She's just a little bit on edge. I'll let you in!” Evan smiled. Charlie was nice. Charlie always came to the hospital to read him books when he could not read himself. She had always been kinder to him than anyone else other than maybe Elizabeth. The only problem with Charlie had been how she liked Michael. He hated how they were friends and then he hated when they were together. One of the many things that had gotten better once Michael had died.

He heard the door open. There was Charlie, a tired smile on her face, Her dark brown hair Wild.. She was wearing some band t-shirt he didn't recognize And comfortable loose sweatpants. She looked like she hadn't slept in days.

“Charlie!” Evan smiled hugging her tight as he felt her arms wrap around him. Always forgot how tall she was.

“Evan I'm so sorry we didn't talk sooner just with school.. and the band… and work. It's been a lot.. I'm so glad you're okay man..” Charlie let out a sigh letting go of him. Evan understood..

His less important job at Freddy's and his more important job of gathering remnant took up most of his time.

“Same here Charlie…” And Evan was telling the truth it wasn't part of the plan to have Charlie go down to Circus baby's entertainment and rentals. He had any say in it his sister wouldn't have either. But it was all part of his father's plan so Evan had no choice

Evan and Charlie talked a little bit as they walked through the door and got into the elevator in the apartment. Apparently school was going well and she had gotten a job working for a computer company doing programming. The band was also going to perform at a big venue next month or it was..

But Evan wasn't really listening to the chatter though. He was thinking about Elizabeth. From what he had heard over the phone she was dead.

Charlie had told him the whole story through heavy gasps and obvious tears. How they had gotten the call from William telling them that Michael was down in Circus baby's entertainment and rentals and they needed to put him back together. How Elizabeth got a job as a night technician and Charlie got a job as a day technician. How Elizabeth had fought through the first four nights with the help of a mysterious voice revealed to be the main star herself, Circus baby.

How on the 5th night circus baby and all the other animatronics had tore themselves apart and melted together into a new monster that called itself Ennard. How they head killed the other technicians and nearly killed Charlie but stopped. Evan had heard Charlie's voice break when she mentioned the monster had Michael's voice.

And then the monster, the horrible wire thing lured Elizabeth into the scooping room and ripped her to shreds. It had stolen his sister's skin.

He felt a bit vindicated, he was right all those years of Michael playing like he was some kind of saint. Refusing to kill, refusing to get blood on his hands even though he wasn't Michael with free will, she was Baby the killing machine..

He was getting spiteful, Charlie noticed.

“Gosh Evan, I didn't know you hated Computer programming so much.” Charlie looked over nervous as the elevator door opened. Evan had let his mask slip that was bad..

“No I was just thinking of everything that happened, I'm So Sorry Charlie..” It was a good enough excuse and he was sorry. Evan knew he and Elizabeth were estranged and she hated him, but he hated the idea of something that horrible happening to her.

But he also had to admit he loved the vision of it. Blood and visceral everywhere organs spilling on the ground and Michael once again covered in blood. Evan thought of the years that he had spent checking the camera footage of Baby's room, to see the cowardly thing crying to herself or pleading for someone to acknowledge she was Michael. How she had refused to do the one thing she was built for.. and she still ended up covered in blood! since that was all Michael was good for getting his siblings blood everywhere

The two of them stopped at number 5. Even if Charlie hadn't guided him Evan would know this was Elizabeth's home. A pride flag sticker was on the door.

“Yeah.. Liz and Susie aren't exactly secretive about….” Charlie let out a small chuckle as she opened the door. Evan couldn't help it. He did too, her laughter even so small, sad and tired was infectious.

“What are you laughing at…” And there was Susie. Jesus Christ. Time had sculpted the Pink dress, wearing golden curls, Bible reciting, Susie he had known into a black clad, imposing woman. Evan could still see the traces of the shy, homeschooled, girl he remembered. But None of the kindness she had held for him as a child still lurked in her eyes.

“Nice to meet you again!” Evan put on his most charming smile, Reaching out his Hand to be shook.

Susie just stared down at his hand, Her bright blue eyes looking at him with such hatred he almost feared that she knew how many lives his hands had taken. They stood there for a minute before Charlie broke the silence.

“Um.. Let's just go inside.. I can make everybody some coffee!” Charlie said nervously. Susie nodded sharply, moving out of the way so both Charlie and Evan could get into the apartment.

Evan stepped inside and he had to admit, the apartment was nice. There was a cozy old couch and armchair with a nice, if slightly rickety table to sit and have meals at. There were a couple shelves filled with records, a drum kit and two electric guitars.

“Not fancy enough for you?” He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Susie's voice.

“No, it's a nice place..” It wasn't the sort of place Evan wanted to live, but it seemed to fit Elizabeth, Susie and Charlie well enough.

It was definitely nicer than his room back at his father's house. He hadn't changed it since he was carted off to the hospital on that fateful birthday in 1983. His father didn't let him change it.

“Yeah sure…” Susie sat down on the couch. Evan sat down on the chair beginning to hear the noises of Charlie making coffee in what seemed to be a small kitchen.

“Did you know your dad was sending my girlfriend, your sister, his f****** daughter down to Hell?” Her voice was accusatory and angry. Evan did know. Evan knew that place was a death trap, That there was a chance his sister wouldn't come out of there. But what was he going to do about it? it's not like he could change anything, like he could stop it?

“No! And I swear to God my dad didn't either! He's already having a discussion with the owners of rentals” Evan tries to believe the lie himself, tries to believe that his father didn't mean for his only daughter to die.

He did not know his father's plan but he had a feeling that Elizabeth was supposed to die down there.

“Susie, can we please not get accusatory! I know you're scared, I am too but Evan's here to help us fix this” Charlie stumbled in with three coffee mugs. Evan gratefully took a big long sip.

“I get it! you think he can help but Elizabeth doesn't want to see him and Elizabeth is the one who's..” Susie stops herself from saying that part. Evan can only imagine what it must be like.. He doesn't know much about their relationship other than it's romantic. To have your partner become a monster before your eyes must be horrifying.

Susie and Charlie began to whisper.

It was almost sweet.. To love someone that much, to be loved that much. Avenue nothing of love. He was almost certain he couldn't feel it, just another sign that he was broken.. He wondered if his father didn't feel love. He wondered if it was the bite that made another part of his brain broken..

The whispering stopped and Susie, her face still a mask of anger yelled out. "Liz! Evans here!”

Evan put on his best Charming, biggest, I've missed you sister, smile. As he ran through the possibilities of what his sister actually would look like. He wasn't good at the supernatural science of it all, but he had a basic understanding of how these things worked and Elizabeth's condition was nothing he had ever heard of.

There was a possibility that dad had just never told him about anything like this but he didn't think so.

And then trudging out from the hallway which presumably led to Susie and Elizabeth's room came Elizabeth.

Elizabeth trudged out with an angry look on her face. The first thing ever noticed was that his sister was missing half of her face. The entire skin on the right side of her face was gone revealing the bone. Her skin was also pinkish purple… And she was covered in..

“Sticky notes?” Evan said in confusion. Now that was a big slip up his first words were supposed to be something inviting, not sticky notes… He couldn't help it! He was surprised! Evan didn't know exactly what he had been expecting but not this….

“Sorry I was busy writing you know all of this being sent to my death by my father, seeing the kind of ghost of My Dead Brother and becoming a zombie business gave me some killer ideas for music..” Elizabeth ruled her eye and Susie let out a small chuckle

Evan, cleared his throat

“It's been so long, Elizabeth! I know it's under bad circumstances but still it's wonderful to be back together!”

Evan hopes that his words were convincing enough. Despite not wanting anything to do with them, Elizabeth was still an Afton, so she was able to recognize manipulation but all those years away from father probably lessened the skill.

“Stop trying to be my brother.. Just get this over with so I can get back to songwriting and cuddling my girlfriend” Elizabeth looked away; she only had one eye now. And that one eye was filled with such hatred.

“Yeah and you better not tell any faz-themed lies you little company rat” Susie looked like at any minute if Evan said Susie deemed a lie, her fist would be planted in his shattered skull.

Charlie gave them both a stop fighting look before speaking

“You work with William, you know something about the rentals and what happened to Michael right?”

“Yes I do..” Now it was time for the lie.. Evan had been practicing this. His father had gone through the basic idea of what he was supposed to say but Evan had added on details..

“As you all probably remember, on the Opening day of Circus Baby's Pizza World there was a gas leak..” This he had gone through with his father there was never a gas leak.

Most of the “gas” was just circus baby overheating and letting out excess smoke because her body wasn't built to fit someone of Michael's size

All three of the women's faces fell dark. Evan could remember that day just like they did.. Smoke choking the air, children running in fear and Elizabeth stepping out of the party room covered in pizza sauce. It was really Michael's blood, but William had convinced everyone that the gas had tampered with Elizabeth's mind and she had just wandered into the kitchen and spilled tomato sauce. How poor little Elizabeth hadn't been able to understand what she had just seen and had begun to cry that circus baby ate Michael..

“But what you don't know is that the gas leak was caused by Michael…” Evan tried to look somber but he could barely hold in his grin. He had added this part. And the next one

Charlie began to fidget uncomfortably. She had been closer with Michael than anyone at that time; this was going to hurt her a lot..

“He went mad I think quite a while ago.. Was convinced he needed to combine himself with the machines. Made an excuse of getting ice cream for you Elizabeth, then rigged circus baby so she would instead of handing out ice cream pull ice cream in and in this case he was ice cream..” Oh this was fun to see, the look on Elizabeth and Charlie's faces. He cared for them both but the way they liked Michael after everything he did made Evan's blood boil..

“No no you're lying! he wouldn't- I knew him! he-we had a plan! he wouldn't-” Charlie got up beginning to pace.

Evan just sat there trying to look sad. “I'm afraid it's true.. My father didn't tell anyone, fearing that him and Henry would be under more scrutiny and I know it's wrong! He regrets it a lot! but he was scared and sad and thought that was the best decision..”

Evan spoke in a quiet voice trying to sound sad harder, since even though he was a good liar, seeing Charlie dislike Michael seeing her finally understand that he was a monster and a murderer made him feel good…

“So Michael went crazy and let out the gas leak and shoved himself in the robot? How does that explain him being a part of circus baby and appearing to Liz? Is he like haunting it or something?” Susie was the only one not having an emotional reaction to this; she hadn't known Michael. The only steak she had in this was her girlfriend's well-being.

“He was mentally unstable and scared and thought that was the only way he could be whole.. And yes I believe that in some form his consciousness lingers on and it influences Circus baby and the rest of the animatronics to be violent.. to do that..” Evan gestured to Elizabeth making Susie give him a death glare.

This was sort of true. Michael was Circus baby and was fully conscious. But he wasn't responsible for the others' murderous programming, dad just made the funtimes like that.

“That's why they were locked up down there. That's why they're punishment was so severe, Michaels sou-if you want to call it that made them go insane…” Elizabeth nodded along quietly.

“It makes sense, He didn't seem that sound of mind when I saw him..” Elizabeth ran an unconscious hand over the entry scar on her back where the scooper had hit and that monstrosity had torn into her.

“No, I know Michael! I knew him so well then!! We were close! If he was feeling like that he would have told me!? he would have said something, he would have like painted it or some s*** Michael doesn't-” Charlie looked around hoping for that hostility Susie and Elizabeth had to Evan earlier but his lie was good they knew he was right.

“Look Charlie I'm not saying we trust the corporate asshat over there..But it seems to line up with what Elizabeth said…” Even though Evan hated being called a corporate asshat, She was on the right track or the track he wanted her to be on.

“May I continue?” The word sounded Melancholy as if he couldn't bear to continue telling the tale.

Charlie nodded, looking like she was about to explode. Evan went ahead quickly before Charlie could say anything else

“But trapping a bloodthirsty animal in a cage makes it more vicious so All of the animatronics influenced by Michael's anger and Madness at time of death combined and used Elizabeth to escape..”

“Then I got moldy and they injected” Elizabeth added on

“Exactly and here's where it all comes in.. You brought me here to find out more information and now you've got it! but we still have a murderous pile of wires on the loose, who's willing to do worse than what happened to Elizabeth in a heartbeat…And it still thinks like Michael in some weird twisted way so.. ” Charlie stopped pacing and stared in object horror at what next was going to come out of Evan's mouth. Evan couldn't help but smile here he had been waiting for this part, he'd been waiting to even do this since he woke up in that stupid hospital bed in 1983

“We need to kill it, And Charlie I need your help to get it done…”

#fnaf death swap #crying child weekend bash #evan afton #fnaf au #tw blood #I really hope you like this...

17 notes · View notes

kazooie · 3 months ago

Text

I need to vent, I'm sure I've vented about this a lot here already but it's just the one thing that fucks me up still.

Tldr; venting about inability to own a house, unfair financial situations regarding family, and being the black sheep just for being mentally and chronically ill.

So, when we were selling my Nan's house, it was because she couldn't live at the nursing home if she still had assets or something, right? Except, she died the day after we sold it, and the buyer backed out. Now, my family has known for decades that I wanted to live there the rest of my life, it was going to be me and my family's home, but.. they sold it anyway? For what? The reason to sell it was no longer valid.

So we sold it, for not a lot but not too little either, howeverrr instead of the inheritance going to mum and her sisters, it also went to my two oldest cousins, which means when their mum dies they'll get her chunk of the inheritance too, even though out of everyone in our family me and my mum are the ONLY ones who don't own a house and live in a shitty community housing flat that's making us sicker, and that fucks me up!

Whenever I bring it up, looking for advice or sympathy, one of my aunts thinks I'm guilting her for owning a house, like, no, I'm not. But I'll tell you what I WILL guilt you for eventually, if I have to cut ties..

So, when I was a kid, said aunt got a loan of $250k from my grandparents, for a deposit for their house. A while later, my mum and dad got a loan of $10k, I forget what for, a business thing maybe? Idk. Anyway, so, my dad, he's an honest man,he will always pay back money he owes, and he did, every last can't. You can see where this is going I'm sure.

My aunt never paid her back. None of it. And my grandparents didn't even ask for it afaik, because she's the youngest sibling, and definitely the favourite. My aunt got $250k with no questions asked while my dad worked his ASS off to pay off his loan, and he still got treated like shit afterwards! I loved Pa, but he could be a real cunt sometimes.

My dad, my family in general, has always been treated as the black sheep(s), we're all disabled in some way, so we can't keep jobs and are on pensions. My grandpa especially was needlessly cruel to my parents and sometimes myself too, I never understood why, but I have a theory it's because mum had a psychotic episode in her 20s, and because her oldest sister is schizophrenic he might have seen that as a failure on his part? Idk the man was incredibly autistic but used his white male privilege to say whatever shit he wanted, he could say the meanest things and his defence would be "I'm just telling the truth."

If my cousins were left out of the will we'd have enough for a deposit, and they'd still get their quarter from their mum later.

I'm bitter, I'm depressed, my living situation is getting worse and worse because I just have no room for anything, and it all could have been avoided so easily, but everyone was so damn eager to get their inheritance right away that they left us behind, they didn't even let us go through nan and pa's things after they died, they took everything they wanted and threw out the rest without asking us.

Thing is, I still love my family, and it kills me because I don't think they love me, or respect me. I'll always be a little autistic kid who doesn't know how the world works in their eyes.

I don't know how to be okay.

#delete later #maybe #im so tired #i just want a house #i don't wanna live in this tiny box anymore

4 notes · View notes

circumlocutive · 4 months ago

Text

My Adderall is hitting and I just wanna shit this text post out before I start work.

I don't think there's a practical point to this kind of navel gazing at this stage in my life, and really it's more of a symptom of an issue in psychiatry with labeling phenotypic categories that don't have much correlation to biochemical mechanisms. But. I do still wonder about whether my avolition and related executive dysfunction/motivation crisis is " better " characterized as a CPTSD thing than an ADHD thing. And whether that should play a role in my expectations for functioning.

Like functionally I'm still going to treat my symptoms the same either way (it doesn't respond to CBT, DBT, or a few diff antidepressants, but does respond adequately [if inconsistently] to stimulants), so from a pragmatic angle fussing over which label is better is not useful to me. It's mostly identity wanking - unless the labels can implicate something actionable, all they really seem to do is saddle you with their sociocultural baggage.

I'd say I have evidence suggesting a genetic predisposition to ADHD traits (which I generally conceptualize based on handling in the broader psych literature as an innate/biological/"nature" [as in nature vs nurture] based thing, like the impairments are there whether or not the environment is good or bad though of course environment influences the final result). My dad is very ADHD and was long before he was a combat veteran if you listen to stories from his family, my dad was adopted bc he had a teen mom so highly likely she had something up too, and my brother is so textbook autism (and autism and ADHD genes run around skipping hand in hand) (stimulant side note these are not definitive scientific correlations I'm making here, autism looking presentation could be related to my brother being abused too and having far less social support, could be related to my mother's psychotic lineage [autism and schizo/bipolar/psychotic spec genes also run around skipping hand in hand], could be a lot of shit).

On the other hand, it is so obvious I have CPTSD (which I conceptualize as a nurture based, acquired dysfunction that does also alter your "nature" in the sense it affects your genetic expression. But while trauma will change your innate biochemical settings, I see the biggest distinction from ADHD in that cptsd wouldn't manifest without external initiation). In the narrative of my life, my current difficulty with motivation makes more sense as. Well. Something to do with living in constant fear for my life in my developmental period. How can I find anything as compelling or salient as preserving my life against a direct, explicit, and omnipresent threat. How am I supposed to give a fuck about tasks if no one is breaking plates over my head about them or depriving me of food and shelter. My whole risk reward system calibration is fuuuucked.

Realistically, I have issues with emotional regulation/motivation/self care because of the combination. I probably do have congenital neurological differences inherited from my parents, and then the extreme circumstances of my youth made for maladaptive neurological conditioning (think in the firing/electrical circuitry) + hormonal release + epigenetic changes + downstream effects that further stunted my prefrontal cortex and amygdala and striatum and whatever structures associated with emotion and reward. Some of the conditioning may be reversible with therapy/safe life experiences but the baseline performance won't be adjusted without biochemical intervention. Maybe that should play a role in setting my expectations for my performance and "improvement" over time.

Idk I have more feelings about labels and the ways they change our perception of the bio phenomena underlying "mental illness" and the self, but I need to do work instead of wasting hours getting the words out and refining them

#blog #adhd #cptsd #navel gazing #psychiatry

6 notes · View notes

shallowseeker · 1 year ago

Note

you don't think it's sam that's the john substitute? he's more like john

I think Sam is juuuust enough like her not to trigger the categorization of co-protector. I love Sam, but he's also got that immature-ish Sammy something that ticks just enough "my kid" boxes, you know?

It probably also has to do Mary and Dean's personalities being alike, too. Sam's got one foot in the "Dean's kid," circle, and she identifies more with Dean. And so, Sam may be Mary's kid, but she's also inheriting the dynamic of Sam as Dean's kid, by proxy.

(But Cas? From the get-go, Mary's doling out those incredibly high protector expectations, and it brings out this side of her that's both demanding and abrupt. It's fascinating.)

///

Anyway, in season 12-13, Sam is tragically aware that he and Mary don't have the kind of rapport he craves. (Meanwhile, Dean and she are playing Words with Friends.) In The Big Empty, Sam seems aware of this, and he's actually pretty bitter about his inability to connect:

SAM: Yeah, but at least you had a relationship with Mom. I mean, who would she always call? Who did she look to for everything? You had something with her I never had! And now I’m just supposed to accept that I never will have it?

It won't be until after AU Earth that Mary starts to bond with Sam as an individual. She sees Sam as more of an adult after he starts leading the AU hunters and co-parenting Jack.

///

In Nightmare Logic, she opens up to him about Bobby. She has rightly deduced that Sam is not as sensitive as Dean is about John, so Sam is the one she can talk to about it:

MARY: Bobby's not open like your dad. SAM: Wait. Like my dad? MARY: Okay. At least he's not like your dad was when I knew him. SAM: Right. MARY: Bobby's got walls, big ones. I just don't know if I can do that if I even ever put myself out there again. (chuckles) I shouldn't be talking to you about this.

///

In Absence, we see a flashback of her being relieved that Sam has more in common with her now: "the parental guilt complex." It seems like the more Sam screws up, the more comfortable Mary gets with him.

This is because Sam's base instinct is to keep his emotions and mistakes abstract, analytical, and vague. It's hard to bond with him until you've gotten to know him well enough for him to share his actual mistakes with you.

In this flashback, Sam admits to not being there for Jack. It's funny, because it's the beginning of a pattern, because as was pointed out to me yesterday, Sam definitely wasn't there for Jack when Jack was soulless. (In fact, Sam ran everyone ragged on little-to-no-sleep. He had another Sammy breakdown, an echo of his season 8 nervous breakdown.)

What Sam is learning is that it's actually really hard to be there for others when you're going through stuff of your own. (Dean and Cas know this; and they try to drag themselves off "the bench" and be there, even when they're in shambles. Sam? Not as much.)

I suspect that this is another way Sam's going to rationalize John's neglectful parenting. Sam wasn't there for Jack because he was mission-focused on finding Dean, just like John was laser-focused on finding Azazel. (Luckily for Sam, Jack is raised by a village, with multiple parents.)

Of course, when she had things to deal with, Mary left, too. And it's okay for Sam to forgive her for that. I'm not saying that it's wrong for people to leave in order to deal with their shit.

It's just...hmmm. Difficult. Sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's worse than bad, and sometimes it's irreparable. Life is hard. You often let people down, even when you're trying your best. Sometimes, like with John, your own mental illness serves up your very worst.

Anyway, it's especially hard on the ones you love, because when you open up to them, you're showing them all the worst parts of yourself and your own weaknesses.

SAM: How's his training coming along? Mary: He's got heart. He'll get there. SAM: I feel bad. I've been so busy looking for Dean-- MARY: Sam, everyone here understands what you've been doing and what you've been putting yourself through. SAM: Yeah, I know, but Jack's been through a lot -- you know, losing his powers. And I haven't really been there for him. Sorry, Mom. I don't mean to lay all this on you. MARY: No. Are you kidding? It's nice knowing I'm not the only one with parental guilt. How much did the two of you go through when I wasn't there for you? And even when Amara brought me back and I got a second chance, things got complicated. I got complicated. I'm just saying parenting is always a struggle. You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. And somehow, (Mary holds Sam’s face as she speaks to him) they're literally the bravest, kindest, most heroic men on the planet.

///

In the same episode, we see more scenes of her, and we get a sense of her dynamic with each through these vignettes:

Mary sleeping on Dean's shoulder: This shows us that she relaxes around Dean and lets her walls completely down. She gets emotional support from Dean.

This one with Sam (above): she's opening up to him a little bit but when you step back, we see that she's still parenting him, even as she's busy sharing his load and parenting-training Jack. She's reassuring Sam and propping up his bruised confidence. She gives emotional support to Sam.

And finally, Cas: Cas is the one she actually calls for help on a hunt but admits to being a little afraid of (CAS: "Are you still afraid of me?") Interestingly, she covers up her fear by posturing a little around Cas, "It's just a scratch," and "it wasn't that close." It's cute. Still, she gets physical support from Cas. Here, we see she calls him for help, not her boys. In season 12, it was Cas to whom she first revealed her doubts during her bouts of insomnia.

///

11 notes · View notes

jadeleechsupportgroup · 1 year ago

Text

personal happenings and thoughts below the jump. cw talk of medical stuff, death, cancer, mental illness, bipolar, idk, a shit ton.

my dad is dying. he got diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in may, a week after he turned 70. he got immunotherapy treatments all summer. it shrunk the tumor but also destroyed the rest of his body because he was already just so sick in general. about 3 (4?) weeks ago, they found blood clots in his lungs and an especially large one in his leg. they suggested discontinuing treatment and moving him into hospice care.

i inherited my food allergies and bipolar disorder from him. and i'm trying to use that as a turning point in my own life - doing my best to avoid those foods (gluten non-negotiable, dairy just a bad idea), going to therapy (including IOP), staying on medication, etc. all the good shit.

but it has been so hard watching him die.

He tells my mom how no matter when he sleeps, he has nightmares. Whenever I go back home (out of state) to help, I see the manic and depressive episodes hit fast and hard. I feel like I'm witnessing the brain damage in action, and I feel like I'm watching whatever will happen to me if I make it to that age. I also never sleep like a normal person and have horrible dreams. without the meds I hear background noise in my brain, which I only learned more recently is a form of psychosis.

it's easy to look back and either be angry or sad about how i never got this kind of help as a kid or teen. I had symptoms in early grade school. but it was the 90s (1900s am I right haha) so I doubt there was anywhere my parents could have even taken me for treatment.

I'm trying to just...feel my feelings as they come. Practicing the things I learned in group because they mostly make it manageable. blogging here, i guess. learning not to ruminate too hard on this or the other things in my life which are shit, which idk if i'll ever have the strength to blog about, but maybe someday.

my dad and i have had a more difficult relationship since the you-know-what in 2016. living at home because i could afford nothing else, and coming to the realization that i was non-binary in addition to ace, suddenly became a hellscape with him spewing bigotry so openly. when it gets right down to it, i'm sure he wouldn't have thrown me out on the street. which i know is the bare minimum. it's complicated. but I also know he loves me. I can tell lately he's been thinking back on his life and the mistakes/choices he made. it doesn't make it okay but it's.......something.

I don't know. I spend my days waiting for the crushing sadness to punch me in the chest. It hasn't yet. But it's dark all the time now and it's cold as shit and the holidays are the worst part of the year for me because so many bad anniversaries are coming up. I'm in a place I've only lived for a couple years and I don't really have any friends outside of work (which is, of course, two jobs, because capitalism is a plague).

I know things will happen. Some good things, some bad things, some things with no emotional points awarded. knowing it's gonna hurt is not doing me any favors. but I have to get this out somehow so here it is.

and now for some pics that cheer me up.

my dad and I are both pilots, so this one is cute.

I won an iguana at the carnival as a kid. He lived an extremely spoiled life. And got very long.

and, of course, the wiggly pig (one of amelia's numerous names)

thanks for reading if you've made it this far, or even if you didn't.

5 notes · View notes

marvelmaniac715 · 2 years ago

Text

This is part 12 of my Chucky transfers his soul into a human at the end of Seed au. This fic doesn’t have Glenda in it, I noticed that I’ve been featuring Glenda in most of these fics and barely mentioned Glen. That wasn’t intentional, but I enjoy exploring the connection between Chucky and Glenda because they’re so similar, but Glen deserves more love, so they’re the only twin present in this fic. As with all of the fics in this au, until they’re fourteen Glen and Glenda will be referred to by he/him and she/her respectively, and in this fic Glen is a baby (around six months old but his age isn’t mentioned). This fic is more about Chucky’s childhood, but Glen is still important, I hope you enjoy it :).

————————————————————-

Something was up. It had to be. Tiffany has been acting suspicious all day, rarely speaking but giving Chucky a strange look whenever he asked what was going on. But now, she was approaching him, carrying a sleeping Glen. Carefully sitting down, she passed the sleeping baby to his father, trying not to wake him.

“How long has he been asleep?”

Tiffany sighed wearily.

“Two minutes. Glenda went down no problem, but you know how Glen is, he needs to be cuddled or else he won’t sleep.”

Chucky raised an eyebrow and smirked.

“So you decided to give me nap duty? That’s very generous of you, Tiff.”

Tiffany laughed quietly.

“You’re taking this better than I expected.”

“Trust me, if Glen wasn’t here I would have said a very different word. Two hints, it starts with ‘s’ and rhymes with ‘city’.”

There was a moment of silence as Chucky began to gently bounce Glen, because that sometimes helped him to sleep. It did the trick, and Glen sighed contentedly, nuzzling into his blanket as he drifted into a deeper sleep.

“It’s funny, I never imagined myself as a father, but now I can’t picture being anything else.”

Tiffany wrapped an arm around his shoulder, suddenly seeming curious.

“Hm, not even the Lakeshore Strangler?”

“That was ages ago, I don’t even remember how to do it properly.”

“What about Chucky the Killer Doll?”

Chucky glared at her.

“By the time the twins are five, I’ll have had enough of dolls to last a lifetime. I dread to think of the mountains of Barbies that’ll clutter the house. Is it possible to convince Glen and Glenda that dolls don’t exist?”

The couple shared a laugh, then looked down at their son. More silence. Finally, Tiffany asked a question she’d been waiting to ask all day.

“You never talk about your own parents… what were they like?”

It all made sense now. The strange looks, the tense way she’d acted all day, waiting until Glen was asleep then making Chucky hold him. She had him pinned down right where she wanted him, he’d usually make an excuse and run away, unable to have this type of conversation. But he couldn’t risk waking Glen up, babies need sleep. So he had to sit there and answer her questions, despite how much it pained him to do so.

“What is there to say about Peter and Elizabeth Ray? Mom stayed at home to look after me, dad had some sort of office job. Can’t remember what, he was gone most of the time. Why do you want to know?”

Tiffany sighed, exasperated.

“I talk about my parents all the time!-‘

“Maybe too much.”

‘-Shut up, let me finish what I’m saying. I talk about my mom and how she raised me and my sister on my own. You know about how I never knew my dad but that he made my mother distrustful of men for the rest of her life. I’ve been open and honest, why haven’t you? I just wanna know more about you, what were they like? What did you inherit from them? Do you have your mother’s eyes? Your father’s smile? Was there anything special you did together? Crucially, did your parents have any illnesses that the twins could’ve inherited? Such as mental illnesses?”

This was gonna be a difficult conversation.

“To start, no, my defective genes won’t mutate our children. And I think that the twins have an equal chance of inheriting insanity and bloodlust from the both of us. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can’t remember what they looked like, not really. My mom had dark hair, I remember that. One of them must’ve had blue eyes, but I can’t recall which one. I was seven, there’s only so much information you retain aged seven.”

Tiffany rolled her eyes and groaned.

“You’re so boring! Is there really nothing? Nothing at all? I know it’s difficult but please try. Let’s talk about your father, what was he like?”

That was a sensitive subject.

“My old man was… nice. He was a fine, upstanding citizen, a strict follower of the law, a Catholic. I can remember the many hours I spent in Sunday School learning about how everything I grew up to do would send me to Hell. He read to me every night. Not just the kid stuff, sure, he read Peter Pan, but he read me more adult literature as well. Moby Dick, Great Expectations, Grimm’s Fairytales, the really dark ones where kids die. Titus and Andronicus, that one Shakespearean tragedy where a lady eats her own son in a pie. Honestly, he was just setting me up for the serial killer lifestyle.”

“Were the two of you close?”

That took some thinking. But after a moment, Chucky had a response.

“He loved me. All parents should love their kids, but there was never a moment that I doubted my father’s love for me. In his last moments he tried to save me. If I’d taken his advice my life could’ve been totally different. I regret that I didn’t try to save him, there must’ve been something I could’ve done.”

Tiffany grinned.

“Finally we’re getting somewhere! Now, how about your mother? Can you tell me about her?”

If Chucky’s father was a sensitive subject, his mother was a minefield waiting to blow up. He tried not to think about his mother, it made him feel emotions that he hated feeling. Guilt, remorse, self-pity. But that chapter of his life had come to a close, he was a father now. It was time to get over his trauma.

“Mom was so kind. She baked cookies when I came home from school, she took me to the movies and played pretend with me when we got home. If J wanted to be Peter Pan, she would be a pirate or an Indian. If I was a knight, she was a dragon, or a damsel in distress. She didn’t deserve her fate, she didn’t deserve to have me for a son.”

Tiffany’s curious look grew tender.

“Do you regret killing her?”

Chucky swallowed a lump in his throat. No, he wasn’t a kid, he wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t. He wasn’t- he was crying. But he couldn’t help it.

“It was a split second decision, I was panicking and the pocketknife was right there in my hand. She was suffocating me, I couldn’t breathe, stabbing her was the only thing I could think of. I didn’t know it would be fatal. How could I? I was a child. A stupid, barbaric, ignorant child. I had no self-control, I was violent, I was spoiled, I was a little brat and I took out my rage on innocent people. She didn’t deserve to die. It worked out in the long run, but I regret it every day, especially now that we’re parents.”

There was silence, slightly interrupted by Chucky’s quiet sobs. He hadn’t cried in years. Not since he was a child and he’d realised that he’d killed his mother. Briefly before he’d been found, he shed a few tears, barely allowing himself to mourn before he’d been forced to pretend that murder was all part of his plan. In a way, the tears were healing, so he let them fall. Tiffany patted him on the back sympathetically.

“Is that why Glenda’s middle name is Elizabeth and Glen’s middle name is Peter?”

Chucky smiled slightly and looked back down at his son, stroking his soft little cheek with the tip of his finger.

“Yes. I wanted them to live on somehow, and I want to give the twins the life I never got to have growing up. From what I remember of them, I think they would’ve liked it.”

There was more silence, but it was a nice kind of silence, calm and content. Then Glenda cried in the distance and Tiffany sighed.

“I almost forgot. Glenda can’t sleep for more than half an hour without her brother. I swear, they’re inseparable. Should I take him?”

Chucky shook his head and stood up.

“No, I’ll carry him, you get Glenda to sleep and I’ll try and put the little guy down without him waking up.”

Satisfied that they’d made some major breakthroughs, Chucky and Tiffany went into the nursery, mentally preparing themselves to deal with two grouchy, overtired babies.

#chucky #childs play #chucky series #seed of chucky #child chucky #elizabeth ray #peter ray #charles lee ray #tiffany valentine #glen ray #glenda ray #human au #chiffany #horror #fanfiction

11 notes · View notes