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dailymeruem · 4 years

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Royal Guard Nomenclature

You might know the Royal Guards for having some creative names, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably read HxH Wiki trivia on where the names came from. However, I haven’t seen any comprehensive post getting right into it, so lets have some fun research time and look into the origins of the Chimera Ant Royal Guard’s namesakes and how they might have affected Togashi’s characterizations of them!

While i’m trying to keep everything as brief as I can, this will be a longer post so if you want to gain some knowledge and kill some time, read on! I’ve linked sources throughout the post for further research!

Naming Origin Sources

All three of the Guard’s names - Neferpitou, Shaiapouf, and Menthuthuyoupi, respectively- were chosen by the Chimera Ant Queen prior to their birth in the story. They are mashups from two sources - Ancient Egyptian mythology, specifically the pantheon of traditional gods and goddesses, and a French children’s book series entitled Caroline et ses amis (Caroline and her Friends) written by Pierre Probst.

The Guard x Egyptian Gods

In Ancient Egyptian life, people worshiped a large number of deities which represented natural forces and phenomena (sunlight, life, childbirth, etc). The people regularly offered sacrifices and performed rituals to please the gods so that these forces would continue to function according to divine order (ma’at). Each god or goddess had complex relationships, characteristics, and symbolism associated with them. {x}

Neferpitou x Nefertem

The first half of Neferpitou’s name, “Nefer-”, is derived from the Egyptian deity Nefertem. A very ancient god by Egyptian mythos standards, this god is associated with the lotus flower, as he was believed to have emerged in a water lily from the primal waters at the creation of the world. He also represented the first sunlight and the lovely smell of the Egyptian blue lotus. Nefertem is usually depicted as a young, beautiful man, and sports titles such as “He Who Is Beautiful” and “Water Lily of the Sun”. {x} {x}

In HxH, Neferpitou is the first Royal Guard to be born, which ties in nicely to Nefertem’s being a very early god born from the creation of the world as well as being associated with the first sunlight. As for the beauty aspect, Neferpitou’s androgynous appearance could play into this factor, as some gods in the Egyptian creation myths were depicted as androgynous.

Nefertem’’s mother is often credited as being Bast/Bastet, the guardian goddess of cats, or Sekhmet, the warrior goddess of healing (both goddesses are often considered to be two aspects of the same goddess). These goddesses are both depicted with cat or lioness heads, and so Nefertem is often depicted with a lion’s head or as a lion. I needn’t say more about this tie to Neferpitou! Aside from the cat aspect, Sekhmet’s being a goddess that both goes to war and heals is reflected in Pitou’s dual nature- both a ruthless killing machine in their own right and with their Terpsichora ability making instant armies, and a reliable healer using the Doctor Blythe ability, showcasing a compassionate side. {x} {x}

Shaiapouf x Shai

Shaiapouf’s Egyptian name component comes from Shai, which, interestingly, is not so much an entity as it is a concept- the deification of the concept of Fate. The name Shai is usually translated as “that which is ordained”. This god was said to determine the span of each person’s life; he was with each person at their birth and remained with them through their life until their final judgement in the underworld (duat). Shai would offer the true life story of the individual at their judgement, and could either protect or damn them. This deity has so much power in the Egyptian mythos that even pharaohs and other gods were subject to it. {x} {x}

Now, although Shaiapouf as a character doesn’t have an omnipotent power over fate, the concept of fate runs really strong in Pouf’s characterization. Pouf, along with the other Royal Guards, was present at King Meruem’s birth, and intended to stay at his side throughout his whole life, guiding and protecting him. This is a role that Pouf seemed to take to heart, almost to an extreme. As we know, Pouf saw the King’s destiny of becoming the ruler of the world and dominating all other species as being absolute, and began to actively work against the Guard and even the King himself when he began to stray from the fate that Pouf had “preordained” for him. Going so far as to attempt to kill Komugi, who was the most important person to the King, Pouf’s actions, although out of a motivation to protect the King, would have been damning for the King had he succeeded.

Shaiapouf’s nen ability, Spiritual Message, gives us a hint as to his namesake as well. The god Shai hid nothing from Osiris (god of the underworld) at the final judgement of that person’s life, and so does Pouf’s ability allow him to see the absolute truth about a person’s emotional state by reading their flow of aura. This gives Pouf the ability to come to conclusions about that person’s personality, thoughts, and possible course of action, seemingly allowing him to predict their “fate”. {x}

Also, this may be a trivial fact, but Pouf has the habit of ending his sentences with, “That’s all there is to it”. A very final and fateful statement indeed.

Being a concept, Shai is neither male nor female, but is more often depicted as being male. In this form, he is often said to be married to Renenutet (cobra goddess of child rearing who gave newborn babies secret names), or Meskhenet (goddess of childbirth). These three are often depicted together which gives us a definite picture of the cycle of birth and death. {x} {x}

In HxH, after Meruem is mortally wounded by the Miniature Rose Bomb, we get the lovely and terrifying experience of seeing Pouf and Youpi feed themselves to the King in order to revive him. In this scene, both guards are ecstatic as they have ascended to the level of a Chimera Ant Queen and are filled with an unconditional motherly love for their King. The ties here between this occurrence and these trifecta of gods associated with birth and life are pretty strong.

A few final small factoids: The Greek people associated Shai with their god Agathodaemon, a god of fortunetelling that was considered to be a serpent. As well, the word Shai was also an Egyptian word for “Pig”. Thus, Shai was sometimes depicted as a serpent-headed pig, also called the Shai animal. I am reminded of the time Pouf was shown to be able to rearrange his cells to impersonate a certain blind Gungi player.

Menthuthuyoupi x Montu

The final Royal Guard, Menthuthuyoupi, bears the name of Montu, a very powerful and ancient god in the Egyptian pantheon. Montu (also written as Monthu or Menthu, the latter which Youpi uses in his name) originally was a manifestation of the scorching effects of the sun (Ra), but over time this was modified to mean destructiveness in battle, which led to Montu being known as a god of war. He was said to attack the enemies of cosmic order (ma’at).Montu is usually depicted with a falcon head or a bull head. Falcons were a symbol of the sky, and bulls symbolized strength and war. {x} {x}

Montu was often linked with other gods and is depicted as a fusion of those gods. For instance, because of his association with Ra, he often appears as Montu-Ra. Occassionally he is linked to Atum (another creator god) and Set (god of scary natural phenomena and deserts). Over time, Montu was also linked to Horus, a god associated with the pharaoh, and therefore Montu is sometimes seen as being a symbol of a Pharaoh as a ruler and conqueror.

In HxH, Menthuthuyoupi definitely embodies the warlike aspect of his namesake. Being the only guard not made from human genetic material, he is able to act on instinct and devote himself completely to being a soldier for the King, attacking anyone who threatened the King’s divine rule. Being immensely powerful, Youpi was capable of immense damage with his Rage Blast and Rage Incarnate nen abilities. As well, just as Montu gradually evolved over time to represent more complex aspects of life in Ancient Egypt, so too did Youpi evolve over the course of the Chimera Ant Arc, which gave his life new and more complex meaning.

The many forms Montu can take reminds us of Youpi’s unique Metamorphosis ability, which allows him to change any part of his body at will to suit his needs. Youpi’s Rage Incarnate form, in which his body takes the worm of a winged centaur, is a callback to Montu’s two most common depictions; as a Falcon (Youpi’s wings), and as a Bull (Youpi’s hooves). {x}

One of Montu’s wives was thought to be Tjenenet, another goddess of childbirth, which has ties to the event of Meruem’s rebirth discussed in Shaiapouf’s section above.

An interesting tidbit of info is that Montu was sometimes though to be a guardian of family life. He is sometimes mentioned in marriage documents to enforce commitment; infidelity is described as “the abomination of Montu”. While this doesn’t really have anything to do with Menthuthuyoupi aside from maybe reflecting in his loyalty to the King, the next time you feel tempted to cheat on your significant other, imagining a frowning Youpi may dissuade you.

One thing that each Royal Guard has in common with all of their Egyptian namesakes is that all strive to support what they see as the Divine Order using their individual strengths, even if their methods of supporting this order greatly differ.

The Guard x Caroline et ses amis

The Caroline series is a series of French childrens picture books, or albums, written and illustrated by Pierre Probst. There are 44 books in the series, which were written from 1953 to 2007. They follow Caroline, a little blond girl who is independent and active, and her 8 mischievous animal friends, who talk like humans. The series was adapted into an animated TV show titled Caroline et ses amis in 1994, which is most likely the source Togashi got the names for the Royal Guards from (and you can find on youtube!) {x} {x}

Neferpitou x Pitou

Pitou is one of the 8 animal characters in Caroline. Pitou is a panther, and he appeared in a collection called “Les Albums roses” (The Pink Albums) in 1952, which were a precursor to the Caroline books, thus making Pitou the first character of the future Caroline series. Pitou is characterized as being lazy and cunning.

In HxH, our Neferpitou was the first of the Chimera Ant Royal Guard to be born, just as Pitou was the first character that began the Caroline series. Both of them being a cat is also a very obvious connection that both share. While there are other cats in the Caroline series, Pitou being a panther harkens to Neferpitou’s wild nature. Caroline’s Pitou being both lazy and cunning are character traits that show up in HxH’s Pitou as well; we see them exhibit extreme intellect in science, military strategy and manipulation, but at the same time they are the most playful of the Guard and get distracted very easily.

Shaiapouf x Pouf

Pouf is a white kitten that wears a blue bowtie. He is characterized as being elegant, snobbish, and eccentric. He is prone to going on rants about his dreams of greatness, much to the annoyance of everyone else, and he has little quirks such as hating water and the cold.

If it weren’t for the physical description, you might have thought I was describing HxH’s Pouf- he too is elegant, snobbish and eccentric and often goes on long, intellectual rants, which are mostly never followed by the rest of the guard. Shaiapouf is also always wearing a flowy white dress shirt that features a bowtie-like collar which is reminiscent of Pouf’s white fur and bowtie. While Shaiapouf isn’t known to hate water or cold, he does manifest peculiar quirks such as melodramatic monologues and playing his violin when he is upset.

Menthuthuyoupi x Youpi

Youpi (also spelled Yupi), is a cocker spaniel dog. He is naive, turbulent, and a little bit grumpy, but also generous, devoted and affectionate. He can be fearful and prefers staying home to going out on adventure. He really likes being cuddled by Caroline, the main character.

Menthuthuyoupi in HxH displays a lot of similar characteristics to his namesake: naive, turbulent, and devoted are all adjectives you could use to describe him. Because of Menthuthuyoupi’s lack of ego, he is solely devoted to the King and his divine destiny, not bothering to give a thought to other courses of action, which could be a reflection of Caroline’s Youpi prefering to remain in the safety of home. After Meruem’s revival, when Youpi and Pouf share a affectionate spiritual bond with him, Youpi is shown to cherish the new bond he has with his King, just as Caroline’s Youpi is affectionate towards Caroline.

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One thing that all the Royal Guard share with their Caroline namesakes is that both sets of characters unquestioningly follow an independent leader character that they love and support. As well, in the case of Neferpitou and Shaiapouf, their manner of dress is a homage to Caroline- Pouf dresses in a very elegant and frilly ensemble, very French of him, in my opinion- and Pitou’s outfit is reminicent of both an old school French military uniform and a child’s school uniform.

A bonus Caroline homage in HxH: The titular character Caroline is famously depicted with her pigtail hairstyle. A certain blind Gungi player is also famously shown sporting a similar hairstyle.

Bonus Section: Meruem’s Name

Although not containing as much lore as his Royal Guard, the King’s given name can give us a few fun tidbits in keeping with the etymology of the Guard.

As you know, in-universe, the Chimera Ant Queen states her son’s name, Meruem, to mean “the light that illuminates/shines on everything”. His name is very close to the common Arabic name, Maryam (مريم), which has multiple romanized spellings. The most notable use of this name is in Biblical history as a form of the name Mary, who was the mother of Jesus, and Miriam, who was the sister of Moses.

It is thought that the name might have roots originating in the Egyptian language; the words “mry” (beloved) and “mr” (love) are thought to have been derivatives of the name.This root meaning would work in portraying the love that the Ant Queen had for her son, even before birth.

Other scholars have thought that the Hebrew root words “mr” (bitter) or “mry” (rebellious) were the basis of the name in the case of Miriam, as she was born at a point in history when the nation of Israel was subject to bitter slavery by the Egyptians. “Bitter” and "Rebellious” might be words you could use to describe Meruem, at least when he is first introduced to us. {x} {x}

Other fun tidbits: Meruem’s characteristic “neutral” face expression, young and feminine facial structure, and characteristic “cat eyes” is very reminiscent to a lot of ancient Egyptian art. One that stands out in my mind is the famous Head of Nefertem statue, found in the tomb of King Tutankhamun, which depicts the Pharaoh in question as a child in the form of the god Nefertem (remember him?). Interestingly, both Meruem and Tutankhamen were kings that ascended the throne (and died) very early in their lives. I’ll let you look at the piece and notice the similarities yourself!

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And that about does it for all the conclusions I’ve drawn. I hope you enjoyed reading through this and that it prompted you to do some reading and research of your own! Togashi chocked HxH full of fun little references to things in our real world, and it’s so much fun to do a deep dive to find all this trivia. If you think of/find any other fun things too add to this post, feel free to reply/reblog with additions. Cheers!

#hxh #hunter x hunter #chimera ants #chimera ant royal guard #hxh meta #i totally didnt spend 6 hours on this labour day monday no siree #ive been thinking about this a lot so i hope you enjoy!!!!!!!#long post #mod words #meta

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2centsnobodyasked4 · 3 years

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Teresa VS Rubi

I haven't watched a telenovela since like 2007. I feel like Rebelde was the last one I saw. However, I hold on to a couple of novelas that I thought were outstanding, such as Rubi. With the years, I've come across a lot of talk about 'Teresa' and I wondered why it had the same premise as Rubi. I was slightly intrigued. I learned that the story of Teresa came first back in the day, then Rubi. On social media such as tiktok and youtube, people are always comparing both. I kept saying that obviously Rubi was better because it was the one i watched. So in order to not be THAT biased, i decided to give Teresa a shot. So i just binged the entire novela in a couple of weeks. So here are my 2 cents.

Intro:

Song: La descarada- Reyli

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Song: Esa hembra es mala- Gloria Trevi

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With the songs alone, I will still have to give it to Rubi's intro song. I feel like it was more seductive and more true to what the novela was going to be about. On the other hand, Teresa's theme song felt like it would be more appropriate for Rubi. Because it was sang from the point of view of the 'betrayed friend'. Although you can argue that the betrayed friend was Luisa and that it would be from her point of view, but that only happened towards the very last episodes, so it wouldn't really make sense for it to summarize the entire novela as Reyli's song did.

Furthermore, I enjoy Rubi's intro more, especially the beginning were is says 'Una obra de ..." it makes it seem fancy and like I'm in for a special treat.

The actress

Barbara Mori vs Angelique Boyer

I know I'm going to sound like a jerk by comparing their physical appearance, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Face

They are obviously both beautiful women, but in MY opinion, Barbara Mori's face is more seductive without even trying. She reminds me so much of Megan Fox. On the other hand, Angelique's face is so youthful that she has to work extra hard and make over the top gestures to act out the seductress role.

Body

Although they both have fantastic bodies, they are very different from each other. Once again, Barbara's body gives off a more sensual and natural look. Even the way she moves is a perfect embodiment of Rubi. Angelique once more has a more youthful small body, and the main thing that makes her 'hot' is her boobs, which look really fake and it doesn't play into the story since she's suppose to be poor. Rubi didn't have much of a chest, but she still managed to appear more naturally seductive. Teresa was just constantly exposing her chest to appear seductive.

Acting

Barbara Mori's acting was excellent. She made me feel like thats how she was in real life. Everything came natural to her. Angelique's acting was all over the place. She really had to OVERACT to put her point across. Everything about the novela in general was overacted actually. Angelique had to do over the top facial expressions to show when she was scheming, when she was talking down to people or when she was in love. She came out looking like a cartoon character as opposed to Barbara that made her character seem like a real person.

Story

I've already made this post way longer than i expected and there's so much more that I want to talk about out so I'm just gonna have to shoot out random points:

Evil

I feel like they were both equally evil. They both were horrible to their families, to the men they loved and to their friends. I can't really make my decision on who was worse. I will hand it to Teresa though that she worked and studied hard to have a degree and was an excellent lawyer. However, I've seen arguments that mention that she was smarter that Rubi and relied on her brains instead of her body to get ahead. But thats not true. Sure she had a degree but she didn't get far because of it at all. She did the EXACT same thing that Rubi did, got ahead with her body provoking a rich guy. Sure she played the long game but at then end she did the same thing, not just with Arturo but with Fernando as well. She seduced him, nothing to do with her brain.

Ending

Rubi's ending was EXCELLENT. It has stayed with me for a long time because we finally have a main character that didn't win at the end. She got what she deserved. She lost the man she loved, she lost all her money which is what she fought the most, she lost her beauty, and she lost her beautiful body. EVERYTHING, and it was just excellent.

Teresa's ending left me baffled. She ended up with the man she loved after everything that she did. People may argue that she changed and felt remorse for what she did, but come on. She didn't even suffer for that long. She only regretted things because she was caught and exposed, otherwise she would've never changed. Also the fact that Arturo came to her after what she did to his sister is disgusting. Sure forgive her for what she did to him, but to his innocent sister? Seriously??? I get it, that they wanted for them to have a happy ending since the actors were dating in real life, but that just makes bad story telling.

Plot

It kind of gave me the impression that Teresa was going to follow a similar plot to Rubi's in the sense that Teresa was going to stay in love with Mariano all the way til the end, and that at some point when Teresa was not going to have any more money, that Mariano would now be super rich and prestigious but would want nothing to do with her like in Rubi. Although that would've been a Rubi copy, it would've been a better route to take. Because then other elements seem pointless. Something that I do admire more from Teresa was the fact that Mariano fell in love with Aurora, because in Rubi, it felt like Alejandro, although he married Maribel, it never seemed like he truly loved her. It was more like he cared for her. So i was so ready for an awesome ending to where Teresa was trying to stop the wedding and be suffering because the love of her life no longer loves her. That would've been so satisfying to watch and Mariano's wedding would also be triumphant because he overcame his temptation....however, that didn't happen. Teresa didn't even care, so it makes the wedding kind of pointless to the story. It really felt like 3 quarters of the novela they were building it up that triumph moment, but instead it felt like they changed the direction of story to fit in the real romance between Angelique and Sebastian. To be honest, Arturo's ending should've been the same as his counterpart role in Rubi.

In Summary. I have a lot more bones to pick with Teresa, but the ones that come to mind, are probably mostly the acting, not just of Angelique but of the cast. I think many of them were new actors or something, but their acting was horrible. I can really tell who was new and who was a veteran. Having said all of this, I DID enjoy watching Teresa. I know it may seem like I'm just hating on it and like I didn't enjoy it, but I really did. The first few episodes were really boring but after a while it was hard for me to stop. In one day I would go through 10 episdoes.....bruh, those are like 10 hours a day dedicated to Teresa. It was intriguing and interesting, especially many of the elements that were different from Rubi, such as her becoming a lawyer and her ways that she helped unmask Ruben.

In conclusion though, I do see Rubi as superior. A superior actress, a superior story and superior ending. Maybe a bit is from nostalgia but I did give Teresa a fair chance. Although entertaining, it was not what I would consider a good novela.

Me das miedo Teresa.

Rubi, tan bella como malvada.

#telenovelas #rubi #teresa #teresa vs rubi #novelas #Youtube

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oksana-moods · 4 years

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Ghost of you - Part 9

Summary: Ghost realizes that, no matter how hard she tries, she can't run away from her past. When Carol's presence do more harm than good, the only way to come clean is to take a dive. A/N: Thank you again for all the support, and to let you know that we reached the point where things start to change. Starting for the song theme. Now we’ll go with ‘Writings on the wall’ from Sam Smith. We’re halfway through, lovelies. Trigger Warnings: Violence, language (a bit too much, I believe), mentions of death… if you find others, let me know. Oh, sort of WandaVision spoiler. Angst. “I've spent a lifetime running, and I always get away”

With my hands involuntarily clutching the tag, I’m sitting at the roof watching the sun slowly but inexorably going down in the horizon. Once, I heard that this is what life feels like. We born just like the sun raises, we reach our greatest point then we start to set till night embraces us. Death, just like the sunset, is inevitable. I find myself agreeing with this metaphor.

It’s been a few months since our futile attempt to overturn Thanos’s snap. And now, each one of us went different ways to try to cope with this catastrophe.

Steve, Natasha and I were still living at the compound we had nowhere else to go so we’re pretending that we were taking care of things, that we’re moving on.

Tony and Pepper are about to get married and, honestly, I hope they find happiness. While Bruce went missing again, Thor went to New Asgard, he lost everything but still had a Realm to rule; Rhodey was working for the Government in a high position, or so I heard. Wakanda lost all the royal family but Okoye was holding on, as best as she could. Rocket and Nebula stayed a bit but returned to space with promises of visiting whenever they could.

Oddly, the logo ‘Avengers’ was scattered all over the universe. We were broken, but we would still protect whom needed protection.

And there is The Avenger, the original one. Carol barely touched the ground coming back from Garden and took-off claiming she needed to check on Skrulls. Not even three weeks later she was back, and that caught me off guard. I’ve never expected for her to return, not that quickly, at least.

She’s been trying to talk to me, but I dodged all of her attempts.

Until now.

“Hey, Mav.” I close my eyes when her voice reaches my ears. “The view from here is amazing.”

I was sitting at the edge of the roof and Carol was leaning with her elbows at the rampart.

“Yes. It is.” I answer. “What do you want, Carol?” We both know she’s not here for the view.

“To talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I got up from my seat, I’m standing in the roof starting to make my way to the door. I flinch away when her hand touches my metal arm. I shoot an outrageous look at her.

“Please.” Her eyes are so soft against my gaze that something inside me stirs. “You’ve been avoiding me. Natasha told me that you lost most part of your memories.” Her brows are so furrowed that is clear she’s upset. Why is she? I turn away from her, I’m looking at the horizon once more. Her gaze was too overwhelming, right now.

“What do you want to know?” I shove my hands inside my pockets. Damn, why am I so nervous? “Most of my memories are gone. The last four years is all I have without gaps. Wanda…” I close my eyes, still hurts to think about her. I think it always will. “She helped me to unbury whatever she could.” I saw Carol leaning at the rampart. She was trying to get closer, but I needed distance.

“I crashed after your crash.” She nodded, of course she knew this. “Whatever happened to you with the tesseract, spattered in me too. That’s why I haven’t changed, just like you.” I could feel my hands shaking inside my pockets, I was uneasy. Something about her was pulling me to the edge.

“But, what about…” She hesitated “What about your arm?” Why is she pretending to be concerned? She’s getting under my skin and I’m feeling cornered. So, I do what every cornered animal do. They attack.

“Will you fucking stop beating the bush? Ask me what you fucking want to ask.” Oh and so she did, she was exasperated with me acting like an idiot. What was she expecting?

“I came to earth around 2007. I went to Maria’s and she told me you were at war but never make it back. I… I saw your stone. I… I…” She ran a hand through her hair. “I thought you were dead.” Her voice was a whisper but that made something burst inside me. I grieved her, even when I knew she was alive. She chose to go away and wanna play the broken-hearted role?

“You and me both!” My voice was harsh and loud, but I wasn’t yelling yet. Yet. “What do you expect me to say, huh? That I am sorry someone lied to you? That I am sorry you were sad?” The setting sun illuminating her face, making her look gorgeous than ever, made me hate her even more. “Well, news flash for you, hon. YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE! I still see you die every time I fucking close my eyes.” I yelled. I couldn’t take this anymore. “I SAW YOU DIE OVER AND OVER AND OVER.” Her eyes were glossy, there was something shining inside them that I couldn’t decipher. And, Fuck. It hurt so bad. They hurt me so bad. She hurt me.

“I… Lara, I am so, so sorry they did this to you” She whispered again. She didn’t want to fight, but all I know is fight. And I only stop when I see blood.

“When I was taken by Hydra, they made me watch you die, they made me watch you leaving." My voice was low and hard, this time. "So no, I can’t stand this. Hydra took everything from me. They beat me and oh, they hit me hard. They cut off every single piece of me, and they put me through hell. But you Carol, you broke me first.”

I turned in my heels and left the roof. Each step my feet tried to betray me, make me to look back, but I kept going til reach the door. I knew I was far too harsh, my words probably cut her, but if she was bleeding so was I.

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Days went by and I didn’t see Carol since that day in the roof. Steve told me she took a room for her at the compound, she’d be staying a bit longer. Of course she is. Like I didn’t have a lot to deal with already. Since there weren’t any assignments going on, all the workout in the world couldn’t help to ease my mind. Or heart.

I park my motorcycle at the parking lot and pick up the flowers from inside my jacket. I check it to see if they still look good. I shrug, they’re good enough.

I walked inside the Hospital and expertly made my way to my friend’s room. It pained me to know she was sick, but she was too strong to give in that easy to cancer. She was a fighter. She inspired me. If she could go on even with her decease and losing her child, so could I.

“Buying flowers became a struggle nowadays.” I said with a smile.

Her smile lit up the whole room. “Good thing you’re not going out on dates, then.” My laugh filed the room.

“Please Maria, you’re too old to be that sassy.”

“You’re just as old as I am. The difference is just that you still look good.”

“You still look good, Ma. I’d take you out on a date.” And it was true, she was around her sixties but still look beautiful. Few lines near the eyes, but only complimented her.

“Awn, you flatter me” She put a hand on her chest, faking innocence. “I don’t go out with women, hon. But I’d definitely accept the invitation, I’m craving real food, not whatever this hospital calls food.” Instantly, this blows the air out of my lungs and I’m forced to face reality. My friends are gone and soon, Maria will be gone too. Carol told me once that her biggest fear was to bury all her friends. Fuck. I understand what she meant now.

“Geez, Mav. It was only a joke. Next time, don’t bring me flowers unless you’re bringing fries too.”

I forced a smile at her.

After the whole ordeal with the ‘Accords’ I was arrested alongside Clint, Scott and Sam. Cap came and rescued us, but I went on the road since I was an outlaw too, so my visits to Maria and Monica stopped despite keeping in touch. I wouldn’t forgive myself for the time I lost.

“Carol came to visit me yesterday.” That’s the Maria I came to know, never holding back her words. “Apparently, you’ve been giving her a hard time.”

“Oh. Did she come to cry on your shoulder?” Every time Carol’s name was brought up, I felt my brain short-circuiting. I don’t know why, but I hated it.

“Naa. I was just gossiping around, I’m an old lady, after all.” She laughed lighting up the mood. “Does it feel better to yell, to be a bitch with her?”

“What?”

“C’mon, Mav. You changed a lot, but I can still see through you. You need to vent whatever is stuck in your chest; you need to put it out.” I was frowning at the floor. “That’s the only way both of you will move on.”

“I hate her, Maria. Seeing her makes me feel like my wounds are cutting open once again. I don’t see how we can move past this, how I can forgive her.”

“If that’s true,” She pointed at my chest, and I knew what she was going to say. “Why do you still wear her tag and yours together?” All of a sudden, the Tag was heavy in my chest. Tons and tons of unspoken words, feelings, and pain weighting too much.

“I… I don’t know. It kinda feels right.” God, I’m so confused. Is it possible to be friends with Carol Danvers again? Will I, one day, forget everything Hydra made me feel with those memories? I wonder if that hopeless feeling will ever go away. Because right now, all I can think of is that, at any moment, she’ll turn her back on me or she’ll die. It’s hard to look at someone expecting, waiting for the pain that usually comes with their face.

“I know it does.” And she changed her tone to her bossy one. “So, stop acting like you have a stick shoved inside your ass and talk to her. Promise me you will.”

“All right. I promise.” I answered, it was no use try to avoid this. Maria wouldn’t drop this.

“That’s better.” She had that look like she knew that I’d comply with her request.

“Doesn’t upset you? That she left and forgot about us?” I was looking out of the window, looking at the cars outside, people were, slowly, trying to find their bearings. Trying to figure out what should be normal now. They were trying. Should I try, too?

Maria’s voice made me look at her when she replied. “It used to hurt, yes. But I’m dying, Mav, I don’t have time or patience to fight anymore.”

After Maria scolded me enough for not talking to Carol, our conversation was lighter. She complained about the overprotective nurse, she complained that tv never had good things to watch, gossiped about other patients, and when I said my goodbyes, she made me promise to sneak some food for my next visit.

However, all the way home I kept overthinking these things I’ve been building up inside me. Something about Carol made me uneasy, like I’m exposed in a field filled with enemies, with nowhere to hide. And I don’t like it on bit. There’s something about her eyes, and I hate the intensity in them when she looks at me, it’s like they can pierce your soul, see what’s underneath… And I’m way too afraid of all the terrors that she might discover. I’m not Lara anymore, I’m not who she thinks I am, no. I’m someone else.

-----------

“You stole my spot.” I said as I reached the roof. The woman who I was addressing to, turned her head to look at me.

She was wearing a simple jeans with a blue t-shirt and her hair was framing her flawless face, how this woman could be so beautiful even with so common clothes was beyond me.

She gave me a tide smile that never reached her eyes, they were somewhat tired.

“Oh. It wasn’t my intention; I’ll leave you to be.” Yes please, leave me alone. I thought to me myself, but then my conversation with Maria from last week came to my mind. Fuck. I hate making promises. She was preparing to leave when I spoke.

“There’s room enough for both of us, though.” I said with a shrug, pretending that I was okay with her company, pretending that I wasn’t uncomfortable with this proximity. Her head snapped at me, she looked at me like I had grown two heads.

“Okay.” Her voice was so soft that immediately put me on edge. I felt exposed again. What was happening with me?

We stayed there for a while with a heavy silence between us. The tension was so thick that I’m sure we couldn’t move, that’s probably why none of us left the roof yet. There was a sea of unspoken words and as much as I hated it, we couldn’t ignore this anymore. If she’s going to stay, we’ll have to dive into this. We’ll have to work together at some point, this wouldn’t be healthy during even the simplest mission.

“You know, I’ve been in a lot of places, but none of them had such a beautiful sunset.” Her voice startled me; I wasn’t expecting at all.

“Well, it does have something peaceful, doesn’t it?” She seemed to ponder what I just said.

“One may say that this might be a spell. That there are a lot of beautiful places out there, but nothing compares to home.”

“Is it?”

“What?” She looked at me, confusion written all over her face.

“Is Earth you home?” At this, she frowned.

“Look, I know what you’re implying. I… I don’t know how much you remember from… before.” She seemed nervous. “What do you recall?”

And that’s it. There’s no turning back now, I needed to dive into this sea and hopefully I’ll reach the other side alive.

I looked forward; eyes set at the setting sun. I couldn’t deal with this and look at her at the same time. My hands started to shake so I wriggle them together to stop them, somehow.

“I remember us.” I felt a pang in my chest. Shit. What is this? “I remember you were always going back and forth to Earth. I remember when you went for good, ‘we’re too good at goodbyes’, yeah?!”

She signed heavily. “While helping Talos, I realized that a lot of people needed help. I wanted to stay, but I just couldn’t ignore innocent people dying.”

“People were dying here too.” She was frustrated, she threw her arms around impatient, but I continued before she could speak. “I know, I know you wanted to bring peace to whoever you could. And Earth already had its saviors.”

“It’s not just like that, I…” She turned to fully look at me. “After I found out about your… death,” She struggled with the word, it fell heavily from her tongue. “I felt so helpless, so stupid for wasting away the time I could’ve had with you, I…” She was staring at me, eyes locked, and I felt myself being dragged inside. “I couldn’t forgive myself for loosing you for good.” She half whispered as if afraid of this becoming true. Like I could turn into a mirage, out of blue.

She was diving in the sea of what was left unsaid too, there’s no going back. “And when you died, part of me died too. Then Earth wasn’t home without you on it anymore, that’s why I never came back after. But then I received Fury’s emergency call, only to learn about Thanos… only to find out that you were alive this whole time.” Her eyes were glowing with such intensity, that my feet were glued to the ground. I felt a hand wrapping around mine. “I wanted to come back, back then. After I went through your door, I regretted at the very same instant, Lara.” Her voice was so soft when she spoke my name, it was like her tongue was made of velvet and it took the air out of my lungs. “After all, I wanted… I wanted so damn hard to be happy… with you. But I couldn’t find my way back, it didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to hurt you. I’d only do more damage than I already had. And I’m so, so sorry for hurting you.”

I was so entranced in her eyes while she was speaking that up until now, I hadn��t realized how close she was, or even that her hand was gripping my flesh hand. She’s so close that I could see the fading sunlight brightening her freckles. She was so, so close that my brain was at loss.

I didn’t know if the sun was illuminating her face or if it was the other way around, but such perfection made something inside me stir, I felt strange. I felt an urge to reached out and touch her face, like I needed to feel her skin under my touch just as much as I needed oxygen. “Why are you here now, Carol?” My voice was so soft that felt foreign, almost like a whisper. “My heart is at Earth.” She whispered back, like she was afraid of breaking this spell, this trance that was keeping both of us from moving away.

#carol danvers #carol danvers x reader #carol danvers x fem!reader #carol danvers x original character #cap marvel #captain marvel #captain marvel x female reader #Ghost #ghost of you #marvel fanfic series #original female character #marvel x reader #angst

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world-of-puppets · 4 years

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Puppetry Lost Media

In honour of reaching 50 followers last week (now 55 followers, as of writing this) I decided to cover two subjects of great interest to me: puppetry (of course) and lost media.

Everybody online loves a good old bit of lost media. Whether it be being a part of the many searches for the media in question, or watching documentaries about them on sites like YouTube. I’ve been mildly addicted to the latter kind of content for a while. From what I’ve seen, though, there aren’t many videos or articles out there specifically covering lost puppetry. So, in no particular order, here are a couple of pieces of lost puppetry I found while scrolling through the lost media wiki.

銀河少年隊 - Ginga shounen-tai AKA Galaxy Boy Troop (1963 - 1965)

Osamu Tezuka is one of the most pioneering figures in Japanese art and animation. Starting as a manga artist in the 1940s inspired by the animated works of American studios such as Walt Disney and the Fliecer Brothers, he adapted and simplified many of the stylistic techniques of both artists to create his own signature style of big shiny eyes, physics defying hair and limited animation. A style that would go on to heavily influence the world of anime and manga as a whole.

But animation and graphic art were not the only mediums Tezuka would dabble in. Ginga Shounen-Tai, or Galaxy Boy Troop in english, was a television series that aired on the public broadcast channel NHK from April 7th, 1963 to April 1st, 1965. Running for 2 seasons with a total of 92 episodes.

The series was a mixture of marionette characters that utilised the Supermarionation marionette technique, popularised by Jerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds, and limited traditional animation. The story revolves around a child genius named Roy who leads a rag-tag group of heros around the galaxy in a rocket ship in order to revive the earth’s sun and later protect it from alien invaders.

Out of the 92 episodes that aired, only episode 67 still exists in its entirety with French subtitles, and the full episode can be found on YouTube with English subtitles uploaded by user Rare TezukaVids. According to user F-Man on the Tezuka in English forums, footage of episode 28 exists but with no audio, and episode 87’s animated segments exist without the marionette segments. F-Man also claims the reason for Galaxy Boy Troop’s disappearance is due to Tezuka not being proud of the series and having all episodes of it destroyed.

Personally, I think it’s a shame that pretty much all of this series is gone. From what I’ve seen in episode 67, it looks really charming. Tezuka’s signature character design style was adapted suprisingly well to marionettes, and the puppetry itself isn’t that bad either. I love the little face mechanisms like the blinking eyes, flapping mouths and others. It gives the puppets a lot of personality and charm. Like, just look at this old mans eyebrow mechanism and tell me you wouldn’t want to watch 92 episodes of this show;

Tinseltown (2007)

Tinseltown was a 15 minute sitcom pilot created by the Jim Henson company under thier Henson Alternative banner. The pilot was commissioned by the Logo Network and aired as part of the Alien Boot Camp programming block in 2007.

The pilot (and likely the series, had it been picked up by the logo network) features a cast of both puppets and live actors as characters. The premise revolves around Samson Kight, an anthropomorphic bull preformed by Brian Henson and drew Massey, and his partner Bobby Vegan, an anthropomorphic pig prefomed by Bill Barretta and Michelan Sisti, as they attempt to balance thier lives working in Hollywood with life as parents to thier sullen 12-year-old foster son, Foster, played by Paul Butcher. Other human characters included Mia Sara as Samson’s ex-wife Lena and Francesco Quinn as the family’s manservant Arturo.

The Tinseltown pilot used to be available on the Logo Network’s YouTube channel, but was later removed for unknown reason. Since then, the pilot has not been made available online. However the characters Samson and Bobby have made appearances in other Henson related works, such as the improv stage show Stuffed and Unstrung, where they played the role as the shows producers, and in a 2011 video on the Jim Henson Company YouTube channel celebrating Jim Hensons 75th birthday.

I find Tinseltown pretty interesting as I feel like it should be more noateable or known, considering that this is (as far as my knowledge goes) the first Jim Henson Company project featureing openly lgbtq characters as its leads, and would have been the first Henson show to do so had it been picked up. As someone who’s interested in lgbtq+ representation in creative media such as animation, I realised that there’s not many examples of canon lgbt characters in puppetry. The only ones aside from Samson and Bobby I could think off the top of my head would be Deet’s Dads from The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance and Rod from Avenue Q. Though, obviously, there could be more I’m not currently aware of. I don’t think the Tinseltown pilot was a masterpiece or anything. After all, there’s probably a couple of good reasons Logo didn’t pick it up for a full series. But I think it be cool if either Henson co. or Logo made this available online again, if just so we could appericate it as an interesting little footnote in the history of lgbtq rep in puppetry.

With that said, considering the pilot’s obscurity and the fact that it’s main couple haven’t been used in any Henson Related projects in almost ten years, as well as the possibility that there may be legalities preventing the Henson company from releasing it such as Logo still owning the rights, it’s unlikely we’ll see the Tinseltown pilot anytime soon.

Sonic Live in Sydney (1997 - 2000)

Sonic the Hedgehog is a fictional character no stranger to multiple interpretations of him and his universe across a diverse range of media. From the more light-hearted and comedic stylings of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Cartoon Networks Sonic Boom cartoon series, to more serious faire such as the Sonic SatAM cartoon and the Sonic Adventure videogame duology. One of the more obscure and stranger adaptations of the character came in the form of Sonic Live in Sydney, a one an a half hour live show hosted at the former Sega World Sydney amusement park in Darling Harbor, Sydney, Australia. Originally beginning as a live show with actors in meet-and-greet style costumes, the show eventually was replaced with a puppet show during its last two years.

The shows plot was set in an alternate timeline whos continuity was a mix of the SatAM cartoon and Sonic the Hedgehog 3, where Doctor Robotnik’s Death Egg crash lands in Sydney, Australia instead of Angel Island and attempts to take over before being foiled by sonic and friends. According to Phillip Einfeld of Phillip Einfeld Puppetoons, the company that made the puppets, Sega felt the costumed actor version of the show wasn’t dynamic enough, and wished to replace it with a version featuring live puppets with animatronics. Both versions of the shows plot are identical.

While Sonic Live in Sydney’s soundtrack is available on YouTube, and some photos of the show are available on the Lost Media Wiki, no footage of either the costumed actors version or the puppet show version have resurfaced. The show was closed down in 1999, possibly due to cost, shortly before the Sega World park as a whole in 2000. So unless there is someone out there who viseted the show between 1998 or 1999 who recorded the show via a handheld camera, footage of both incarnations of the show are likely forever lost to time.

On a personal note, I don’t have much to say on this one other than how gloriously peek gaudy 90s Sonic the set/puppet design is. I have no doubt finding footage of these puppets in action would truly be a silly delight to behold...

Legend of Mary (year unknown)

This one is a little different from the other entries on this list as while the film itself in its entiraty is available on YouTube for anyone to view, the information surrounding Legend of Mary, specifically its year of release, remains a mystery as of writing this.

I have mentioned the film before on this blog so I’ll keep it brief here: in summary, Legend of Mary is a short film retelling of the Nativity featuring the Rod puppets of Austrian puppeteer Richard Teschner. the video was uploaded to YouTube by user canada 150 archive. I looked up the people credited in the film and was able to find most of them, but didn’t find Legend of Mary listed in thier credits, and was unable to find the film on sites like IMDB, tMDB or Letterboxd. I reached out to Canada 150 archive asking if they had any info regarding the Legend of Mary’s release date, and after a coupe of months, they replied saying they didn’t know.

And that’s as far as I got on my search for answers, if anyone of you guys has any information regarding Legend of Mary, then it be of huge help in finding the release date.

Sam and friends (1955 - 1961)

Sam and friends was the very first puppetry television series created by Jim Henson alongside his colabarator and future wife Jane Nebel. filmed in Washington, D.C. and airing twice daily on WRC-TV and the NBC affiliate in Washington, D.C. from May 9, 1955, to December 15, Sam and Friends would mark the first apperence of Kermit (though not yet as a frog) and paved the way for Henson’s iconic and revered legacy in the realm of puppetry on film and television.

With the impact this show had in mind, it may come as a shock to some that almost half of Sam and Friends, specifically, 42 of the 86 episodes, are considered lost. With 16 existing, 8 documented, 9 known from memory, plus 8 existing Esskay commercials and 1 memory-known Esskay commercial. Some taped episodes have been shown at venues such as the museum of the moving image while others have been erased. It’s unknown if copies of these erased episodes still exist.

This post would become far to long if I were too list every episode missing from Sam and Freinds, but if your curious, the lost media wiki article has a comprehensive list of all lost episodes.

Annnd that about it for this post. This type of content is pretty different from the stuff I usually post. So I’m egar to see what you guys think about it. If you enjoyed this article, want to see more like it or have ideas for what puppetry-related topics I should cover in the future. And again, thank you all so much for helping me reach 55 followers. Your support really does mean a lot to me, and I hope you enjoyed this as a follower milestone gift.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this dip into lost puppetry, and have a happy holiday season!

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june2734 · 4 years

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The Short Lived Golden Age of Nerdy Web Shows

There was a time between the years of, let's say, 2007 to 2015 that I like to call the golden age of nerdy web shows. It consisted of a lot of small low to no budget productions that had a lot of heart, the kind you just don't see very often anymore for some reason. Many of these show have found a dedicated home on streaming services like The Fantasy Network, some have even gained enough steam to be featured on big name services like Netflix and Amazon like The Guild and LARPs The series respectively. I'm not exactly sure why the web show trend died out so hard, maybe the crowds just aren't there for them anymore like they use to be with some many pieces of high budget productions on streaming services vying for their attention. Every once and a while I'll jump onto Google to try and find new web shows that have that same heart and feel but rarely if ever do I come up with anything. As far as I can tell the only place new nerdy low to mid budget web shows or films gets any attention is at GenCon or small streaming services like The Fantasy Network. Who knows if there will ever be another nerdy heartfelt web show created that captures the spirit of those old series I hold so dear to my heart, but regardless if it happens or not I'd like to bring some attention to a few of my favorites. They may be old by the standards of the internet and maybe even cheesy by today's standards, but I really think they were something special and if you give them a shot maybe you'll think so too. If you have any others that you think would fit in with shows like this feel free to let me know.

The Gamers: Hands Of Fate

Zombie Orpheus Entertainment use to be one of my favorite channels for nerdy fantasy related content back in the day. You could always see the quality and passion that they put into every piece of content they out out on their channel. They're still around today but they've shifted their focus to other ventures such as the ever popular trend of live streaming table top games rather then making scripted content. That being said their old stuff is still well worth a watch and The Gamers series, particularly The Gamers: Hands of Fate, is some of their best work they’ve ever put out. The series centers around a group of table top gamers(the same that can be found in most of the other The Gamers creations by ZOE), particularly the character by the name of Cass, as he steps into the world of one extremely popular card game hopes of impressing a woman who's a huge fan of it. But this is seemingly simple premise is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this series. The show also features a secondary narrative that involves the characters that actually exist in the card game as as the players decisions in the real world effect their lives and leads one character, Buckstahue(not sure if I’m spelling that right), in particular to start questioning what mysterious forces are controlling their lives. The show is a real treat filled with twists and turns I never saw coming, it's fascinating seeing how the real world actions of this card game effects the card characters lives as well as question if and when Buckstahue will figure out what strings control her actions. The stories surrounding the other characters in the party might not be as engaging but they are by no means a weak point of the series either, many of their subplots are engaging in their own rights and pay off certain character moments established in proper The Gamers creations. If this peaks your interest then the series can still be found on Zombie Orpheus's Youtube channel or as a movie on The Fantasy Network. ZOE had pivoted more towards live streaming as opposed to the scripted content of their past but I'd love to see more content from The Gamers one day. Source

LARPs The Series

LARPs The Series first premiered at GenCon 2014 and took home the award for Best Independent Series. The year after it was picked up by Geek and Sundry as a part of a push for more scripted content on the channel which was where I and many others first got a chance to watch it. When the short trailer for popped up on the G&S channel everything about it screamed that I was absolutely going to love it, and I wasn’t wrong. The series centers around a 4 man party of larpers (AKA Live Action Role Players) by the names of Will, Brittany, Arthur and Sam and their DM (Dungeon Master) Evan as we follow their lives in and out of the game. The show is surprisingly heartfelt and sympathetic towards the characters involved in this often misunderstood and mocked hobby as it shows how larping enriches their often turbulent lives and connects them all as friends on a deep and meaningful level. These characters felt real and you really rooted for them as they deal with, work, relationships and the many other hurtles of adult life as they wait eagerly to gear up for whatever peril might befall them in their next campaign session. The show was also pretty hilarious, seeing them play out classic predicaments that any party, whether they be larpers or table top roleplayers, have experienced such as one player trying to roll to kill a tavern owner or romances between PCs were always a joy to watch unfold. Another thing that most will notice right away is how the production value and direction are surprisingly astounding as well, especially in season 2. I was shocked by just how much quality was put into the show from the costumes and sets as well as from a writing standpoint. If you're interested in checking out the show then it can be found on Amazon Prime but they can also still be viewed for free on YouTube or in The Fantasy Network. Beanduck, the production company behind LARPs The series, is working towards a funding campaign in hopes of earning enough to produce a third season so if you have any spare change you might want to toss it their way in support. Regardless if you decide to help or not, LARPs The Series is a show that I think any nerdy individual will enjoy. Source

Glitch

Glitch was another show produced by the team over at Zombie Orpheus Entertainment, but it never seemed to get the same kind of love as many of their other productions. The concept was brilliant: What if one day you woke up and found out your life operated on the logic of video games? Well this is the predicament that a programing temp nicknamed Glitch finds himself in. Most episodes of the show centered around particular game mechanics causing problems in his and his friends lives and how he tries to figure out ways to work around or fix problems they've created. Glitch, Wyatt and Samus were all fantastic characters and it was always fun seeing Glitch trying to work through some real world problem with game logic like trying to flirt with a woman he likes using a conversation wheel like in Mass Effect or figuring out how to "defeat" his boss at work who he see's as an actual game boss. Another thing I liked about the show was how the characters really felt like real people I knew, they played games on the couch, debated about which Sci-Fi starship captains were the best, and they grilled each other in nerdy ways while working in slang from their favorite bits of nerd culture into their daily vocabulary. I always hoped that ZOE would eventually put out a second season but unfortunately for whatever reason that never became a reality. Now days the channel that originally hosted Glitch has changed their name to Burger Orchard and rarely if ever uploads anything, but luckily those original episodes of Glitch can still be found on their. Give it a watch, it's short but sweet and if you really enjoyed the show a lot there are little companion shorts that can also be found on the channel. Source

The Street Fighter

The Game Station was an early find for me back in my early college days, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I shaved away many hours watching all kinds of gaming related content on that channel instead of studying for exams. One production, created by one of the channels founders Layne Pavoggi, which came out in late 2011 and was a cut above much their already fantastic content was a short lived series was called The Street Fighter. The series centered around a single dad by the name of Phil who has just lost his job and decides to take up a short career as a professional Street Fighter player to provide for his son as well as keep his mind off of the stressful and highly competitive job market. This a real underdog story that’s extremely reminiscent of old sports 80s films where the protagonist has everything working against them, with that being said you might think that such a trope filled narrative would make things a little predictable and you wouldn’t be wrong but there’s still plenty to love since this concept has really never been explored with videogame to my knowledge. Phil is a guy you’d be hard pressed not to warm up to, especially when you see him interacting with his preteen son Ryan or his best friend/semi love interest Camile (played by former All That star and all around spectacular person Lisa Foiles). Seeing him trying to make his way into the job market, taking odd jobs here and there just to try and get by while also playing Street Fighter to destress and become better for the sake of winning a competition for money to support his son really makes to root for him through all of it. One aspect of the show that I really this is fantastic is how it feels truly authentic to the FGC (Fighting Game Community) when it comes to talking about all of the technical aspects of play Street Fighter on a competitive level. There are moments when Phil goes into detail about his “bread and butter” combos or talks about different strategies when it comes to taking on different characters compared to his main. The show was short lived but it can still be found on The Game Stations channel, if you’re looking for a heartfelt underdog story then I highly recommend giving The Street Fighter a shot. Source

Versus Valerie

Versus Valerie is a bit of series finale for a fictional character created by Hannah Spear for the character more commonly known as the Sexy Nerd Girl on her YouTube channel. Even if you didn't watch the characters vlogs over the years leading up to the web series I still think you'll find something to enjoy in this extremely charming show. It centers around Valerie Lapomme, the titular Sexy Nerd Girl, as she lives life hanging out with with her best friend Guy, shopping for comic books, going on dates, vlogging, and trying to make something of herself as a mid 20 something living in Toronto. The brilliant thing about this series is how each episode is structured like or makes homage to popular shows, films and games such as Star Wars, Doctor Who, Memento, and The Matrix just to name a few. On top of that the show is surprisingly well produced and written for something that spawned from a fictional vlog series, Valarie and Guy are much more fleshed out and all the characters including them have some really fantastic character arcs and moments in the show. Valerie’s awkwardness and extremely nerdy imagination felt embracingly relatable to me personally since I often imagine different situations in my life in relation to my own nerdy fandoms. What I was often taken aback by when I first watched the show years ago was just how enjoyable all of the episodes were in their own special way, and the pay off of it all really feels like a proper satisfying ending to the strange and imaginative journey we’ve been on with Valerie. If it peaks your interest at all then you can still find the full series on the Veruse Valerie YouTube channel as well as some of the vlogs prior to the series on the Sexy Nerd Girl channel as well. It’s well worth a viewing and aside from the fantastic lead characters of Guy and Valerie the show also managed to grab Mark Meer as a supporting character, aka the voice of COMMANDER MOTHER F^*$(^% SHEPARD BABY!!! Source

#Web Shows #geek and sundry #Zombie Orpheus Entertainment #LARPs the series #table top rpg #larping #web series #a few of my favorite things

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neverendingstories00 · 4 years

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a winnix! found family au with easy company as kids part one out of a million!!

hi, hello! i’m back on my bullshit again. the creativity train had once stopped at my brain. I may have a thousand wip’s but tonight I’ve decided to focus solely on this one. also a ton of credit to @apairofwingsforme for rambling with me about this idea, thanks buddy! anyways, my mind is literally a terrifying place 😁 please send help. i’m literally at my breaking point

Also this is part one out of..a lot! I wanna write a fic of this, but school is a bitch. This is just winnix at the moment, but I promise I’ll start talking about easy company as kids and how chaotic it is. Literally. Child! Luz is going to be a little monster. But hey, only seven more weeks!!

It's a modern au. Both dick and Lew have been married for seven years and are happier than ever.

Okay! But before the found family part, time for the backstory!

dick and lew both met in college when there were in the same intro to marketing class. dick was struggling in the class and absolutely despised Lew, who he stereotyped as a “typical New Yorker '' as Dick donned his bean boots and flannel shirts. However, Dick learned not to make assumptions about people. Their study sessions would turn into long conversations about the newest episode of Mad Men, their families in Lancaster and Manhattan, etc. Dick and Lew grew to be best friends.

Dick felt strange around Lew. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't. He would catch himself staring at Lew for too long and a strange feeling in his stomach. Lew caught onto this, but said nothing. He was overthinking it. Dick was the poster catholic boy with his outfits head to toe from LL Bean, carried a tiny bible in his backpack, etc. Lew knew Dick was too good for him. Besides, there was no way he would be gay.

One thing led to another and the complicated relationship between Dick and Lew changed. Dick had sworn off alcohol, but had no idea that the orange juice was a screwdriver. Dick got intoxicated and Lew dragged him back to his dorm. Next thing he knew, Lew woke up, cuddled with Dick in his neat dorm room.

After that little incident, things became awkward. They were in their senior year; friends for four years and the awkward tension was high between them. After they graduated, there was an afterparty held at their old farneity. Dick, of course, had won vladicictroain and Lew won salutadorian (shockingly). Dick knew that if it wasn’t for Lew three years ago, he wouldn’t be where he is.

So in a little corner, Dick walked up to Nixon and gifted him an apple pie, fresh from The Winter’s farm in Lancaster, thanking him for all he’s done for him. Nixon smirked and knew that Dick would give him some pie, but he was still nice about it. He took Dick to his room and gave him cufflinks that he bought especially for Dick from Nordstrom because during their freshman year, Dick was in charge of planning events in their fraternity. It was movie night and in 2007, Casino Royale was all the hype. Nobody came to the movie night since there was a huge football game and party after. Dick sat there, popcorn all made and even pushed the coaches together, and nobody showed up. He considered just packing up and calling it a night until he heard the door slam open. As he was cleaning up, Dick ran right into Lew.

“Hi, hello. Sorry I’m late, I was busy doing...stuff.”

“Oh,” Dick would reply, “I was just packing up.”

“What movie?”

“Casino Royale. Nobody’s coming though.”

“Well, is the popcorn still hot?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, consider me your customer.”

Dick and Lew watched the movie. Lew never shuts up during the film. Dick talks ethier to tell Lew to be quiet or that he loves Daniel Craig’s cufflinks. Lew made a mental note of that.

The night of graduation, stuffed in Dick’s little dorm room, was the last time Dick and Lew ever saw each other. For a while, atleast. They had a heated makeuout session that followed with awkward but passionate sex. The next morning, it was a screaming match between Lew and Dick. Dick didn’t even remember what it was about-he was too upset. He simply finished packing, threw the stuff into the back of his subaru outback, and drove back to Lancaster.

Seven years flew by, and Dick and Lew hadn’t spoken a word. Both of them were no longer twenty two year old’s who had no idea what they were doing with their life-they were now twenty nine, both trying to figure out their lives.

Dick worked as an accountant in Philadelphia, Boston, Hartford, and jumped around the east coast. He didn’t really enjoy his job so he went back to Franklin and Marshall to become a History Teacher. He had been looking for work for some time and eventually found a teaching job at a boy’s school in Bronxville. It was a job, after all.

So Dick arrives in Bronoxville and gets an email. He recognizes the last time-it’s Lew. He heard about Dick moving and wanted to catch up. Dick was new to Bronoxville and as reluctant as he was, he agreed to meet with Lew.

Lew and Dick meet at Rosie’s, a nice little Italian restaurant in the middle of Bronoxville. Lew surprises Dick, and greets him with a “going my way?”. Lew looks different; he’s gotten more handsome with age, his hair is shorter but still unruly with a tint of gray, and there’s a good amount of stubble. He hasn’t changed one bit.

Their first meeting went well. Just like Dick, Lew had a rocky start after college. Lew had foolishly gotten married to some girl he had gone to boarding school with. They barely lasted a year, and Lew left the marriage with a child he had no custody with and a large penthouse in Tribeca. Life had been lonely. He worked as an economist for a while, but hated the job and quit. With no job and a failing marriage, Lew turned to one resort; alcohol. He had nobody and nothing left in life.

Dick could see the fire that was once in Lew slowly dying out. The once sarcastic and dry Lew became a self--deprecating and lonely man with too much money and time on his hands. Naturally, Dick pitied him. He could see that Lew still loved him-if he didn’t, then how did he find out about Dick moving to Bronxville? How did he find out about Dick’s new job? Why did Lew take Dick to the nicest restaurant in Bronxville. And still, even though seven years had gone by, Dick was still in love with Lew. He’d come up in his thoughts once and while, but now, when faced with him-it was hard to resist those old feelings.

Dick was worried about Lew. So being the Architect he is (mbti type wise, he’s an INTJ), he creates a plan. Lew comes down from the city to Bronxivlle on Fridays and they meet at Rosies. They catch up on their week. From court cases to annoying students, the little things that they share each make their day a little better.

Dick was well aware of Lew’s alcoholism. It was noticeable in college, but it seemed to have worsened as Lew got older. Dick encouraged Lewis to go to therapy. When things had gotten to the worst, Lew enrolled in rehab (all thanks to Dick). He saw the stubbornness in Dick and the clear frustration. Dick wasn’t one for emotions, but when he saw Lewis with a bloody forehead because he fell down the stairs, barely able to speak, Dick sobbed in the waiting room at the hospital. Lewis had never seen Dick ever be that emotional. He was hurt.

That’s when Lewis realized two things. One, he needed to fix himself. If he kept living this deductive lifestyle, he could end up dead. He didn’t want that. And Two, as much as he repressed it-he was still in love with Dick.

Lew finally deals with his issues, ranging from alcohol to his childhood trauma and abuse. It was all with the help of Dick. Dick was there for him every step on the way, playing the role as that supportive friend. Here they were, two thirty year olds. Lew would’ve never imagined being friends with a Quaker that was too good for him, but there he was.

One night, after they had dinner at Rosies, Dick and Lew go back to Dick’s tiny little colonial house. It’s not his house, but a shared apartment. It’s small, but it’s something. Lew is shocked by the living conditions, and Dick simply finds the place charming. They laugh, lock eyes, and next thing they know their lips are clashing together, rushing to take off their clothes as they fit onto Dick’s small bed.

Seven years later, they finally realize they're in love with each other and officially start dating. Dick moves to Lew’s apartment and they live there together for a while. Both getting sick of their lives in the city, Lew decides they need a break from the city and the states.

A year later, Lew proposes to Dick at Rosies, all thanks to the help of Anne Winters, Blanche, Kitty Gorgan, and Harry Welsh. Dick happily accepts, and yes; he sheds a tear. And so does Lew. Everybody sheds a solid tear; it’s a beautiful moment.

Three days before their wedding, Dick and Lew elope on the rooftop of their apartment complex. They invite the same people who helped Lewis propose to Dick. It’s a small and intimate ceremony. Their dance song is “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”. They wanted to get married without the big crowd and Lewis’s “rich jerk friends'' and “daddy’s money”.

For the next seven years, Dick and Lew travel the world. They live all over Europe. From London, To Austria, to Tokyo-they do it all. Dick always ends up sunburnt and Lew is always wearing his classic aviators, wanting to take a photo of Dick. Whenever they go to a new location, Lew always forces Dick to pose next to something, whether that be the La Fontana Dei Quattro Fiumi or the Tokyo tower, and then he sets the photo as his lock screen. Now THAT is romance right there.

Seven years of travel is a lot. Dick and Lew traveled back to the states once in a while for Holidays, but spent most of their time overseas. They are both now in their late thirties and a little exhausted from travel.

Whenever they go to a forgien country, Lew has a tendency to buy shot glasses from each country even though he’s sworn off drinking. I just want to imagine Lew, dragging Dick into a little chaka shop and being like “Oh look darling! Aren’t these adorable” and Dick would just sigh.

So after their final destination, Greece, Dick and Lew decide to retreat back to the states. They don’t wanna live in the city, so they choose to move to the quaint Lancaster. Dick mentioned that he and his friends used to go explore this abandoned farmhouse that wasn’t too far from where he used to live (about 20 mins). Lew wants to be a romantic so he decides to pay a whole lotta money to revinate the barn into a modern mansion. Here’s a picture for reference. Lew goes the extra mile and Dick is like “ *insert eye roll emoji* lew, were two people. Lew would give him a little kiss on the cheek, “and? I’m making room for the dogs.

Oh I should add that Lew officially retires (he has loads of money, it’s called inheritance baby!) while Dick considers it, but chooses not too. He chooses to live the peaceful life of a farmer.

OKAY, but here is the very juicy part

Reminder that there house is like...fucking huge. Like ridiculously big. Like there are so many rooms, and they are furnished. Like what is the point of having furnished rooms if you only have two people living in the house??

Also Lew and Dick adopt a whole armanda of dogs. If you want specifics, they have a collie named Lassie, two westie named Lovey and Duffer, A carin named Toto, Beethoven the St.Bernard, and Copper the hound dog. Oh-and that’s the start. So. Many. BUNNIES.

Dick knows Lew. He already has a child that he’s unfortunately not been able to raise since he barely has custody over his child. He seems to like his own dogs over his children. Dick doesn’t mind. Sure, he’s worked with kids, but he’s okay not having them. He does like his dogs, after all.

Harry, Dick and Lew’s best friend from college, doesn’t live far from them. He’s been married to his college sweetheart, Kitty, for five years. Together, they have a little son named Louie. Harry comes over a lot with Louie, and Louie plays with the dogs in the backyard. Dick’s a very observant person; he sees the relationship between Louie, the dogs, Lewis, and Harry. Lewis doesn’t mind Louie. Actually, he likes the kid. He’ll run around the backyard with Louie and their dog.

So Dick starts thinking about children. Maybe he’s changed his mind; maybe he wants a kid. One or two would be fine. It could be through adoption, help a family out or a kid who’s stuck in the system. Dick is like a mother when he wants to help others around him.

One night, Dick and Lew are sitting in bed. Did I mention all the dogs sleep in their bed. When shopping for furniture, Lew wanted to pick out a bed to fit all of the animals they were gonna have. Dick didn’t like the idea and made the dogs all sleep in their crates. But one night, Lew walked in on Dick snoring, lovey and dovey tucked right next to his stomach and feet. Lew once again, takes a photo, and shows it to Dick, who’s as red as a tomato.

Dick does a little sigh and Lew looks up from his book, his reading glasses slipping down his nose. He’d be like “oh, what is it now sweetheart?”

“We have such a big house, Lew. Twenty rooms and only two people live in the house-”

“Actually Six dogs and three rabbits. The dogs sleep with us and the rabbits...wherever they sleep.”

“Lew, I know you don’t like children but-”

Lew holds up Toto, who tilts her head. “But look at her! Yeah, you’re a good girl aren’t you? Daddy's little girl!”

“You love Louie-”

“Yeah, cause he’s not mine. He’s a nice kid. But children, especially teenagers, are the devils of this earth. You need to fear them, pay for them, do all kinds of stuff. With dog’s it’s easier.”

“I love our animals, but just one or two. We have so much space in the house. Help out a child who needs it. I know you don’t wanna admit it, but your great with kids-”

“Not my own. I don’t even know my own daughter. Kathy got married to some damn twink. How the hell do you think I’d be a good father?”

Dick gives him that *insert pouty emoji* look. “Just think about, Lew.”

So Lew actually thinks about. He walks around the house, feeling and seeing the quietness. They do have thousands of empty rooms and a little too much freetime on their hands. Plus, Lew hates the puppy eye stare Dick gives him.

#this was A LOT #more then I was expecting #I just really love my gay dads #second part will have the rest as easy #either as kids or cringey teens #it's gonna be a LOT #trust me it won't be as heavy as this #stay tuned!#band of brothers #winnix #lewis nixon #dick winters #my writing

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halseyhazzard · 4 years

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The Redemption of Judee Sill

Halsey Hazzard, fall 2018

for a writing class on pop culture criticism “So much sensationalist bullshit has been written about Judee Sill (by people who never knew her) focusing on her days as a hooker and a junkie.” So begins Pat Thomas’s interview with Tommy Peltier, a longtime friend and collaborator of Sill’s, in the liner notes to the recently and lovingly compiled “Songs of Rapture and Redemption: Rarities & Live.” He’s not wrong; in nearly all of the writing on Sill, her music, an inimitable blend of gospel, folk and country at once bluesy and baroque, plays second fiddle to the stranger- and sadder-than-fiction story of her all-too-brief life. Her eponymous 1971 debut and 1973’s Heart Food were met with praise from critics and her fellow songwriters alike; in 1973 Steve Holden called Judee a “most gifted artist, one who continues to promise almost more than I dare hope for.” Unfortunately — for Sill and for those who loved her, and for those of us who love her music — much of that promise never came to pass. She died in obscurity in 1979, leaving behind an unfinished third record and quietly ascending to the pantheon of young, brilliant musicians who died too soon.

It’s hard to write about Sill without relying on sensationalist bullshit. I suppose in writing this at all I’m contributing to the problem, but like so many others, I have joined the ranks of Sill’s devoted disciples, compelled to tell and retell her story to rectify fate’s perceived cruel disservice to a great talent. What emerges is not always a faithful portrait of the complicated artist Sill was, but rather a shifting and sometimes contradictory fable that cements Sill’s status as a legend — not, as she might have hoped, as “an extremely famous or notorious person,” but rather as the subject of a “story sometimes popularly regarded as historical but unauthenticated.”

The story goes something like this: Judee Sill was born Judith Lynne Sill to an average, unhappy middle class household in Los Angeles in 1944. She fell in with a rough crowd, got married, committed a series of crimes, got addicted to various drugs, went to jail, got married again. Eventually she cleaned up her act, put the gospel licks she’d learned in reform school to good use, and became the first act signed to David Geffen’s Asylum label. She put out two albums of intricate songs that married earthly desire and longing for heavenly salvation, populated with lonely cowboy types and vigilantes that sometimes seemed strikingly similar to Jesus. For a few shining years it seemed like Sill had made it. It soon became clear (the story goes) that fame was not what fate had in store for her. Until 2003, when Rhino issued Judee Sill and Heart Food on CDs for the first time as part of its Handmade series, Sill was “[u]nlamented and all but forgotten.” These are the words of Barney Hoskyns, who in a 2004 Guardian profile declared “[t]he tragic Judee Sill is well overdue for (re)discovery.” Since then, interest in Sill’s life and music has steadily increased thanks to a series of posthumous reissues and releases: 2005’s “Dreams Come True,” a two-disk set of unreleased recordings mixed by Jim O’Rourke (Sonic Youth, Wilco); Live in London: The BBC Recordings 1972-1973, released in 2007; and “Chariot of Astral Light,” an intimate collaboration with aforementioned Tommy Peltier recorded in the ‘70s and finally released in 2004.

In a review of the 2004 Intervention reissue of Judee Sill titled “The Judee Sill Cult Continues, This Time at 45RPM,” Michael Fremer of Analogplanet writes, “sometimes "legends" are created and nurtured simply by tragic circumstances. In Judee Sill's case add wasted talent and unfulfilled great promise that add up to a movie worthy story.” Sill’s life has yet to inspire a movie (although a seemingly-deserted IMDB page indicates at least one attempt at a documentary), but songwriter Laura Veirs’ “Song for Judee,” renders the Judee Sill legend in sparse yet cinematic detail. In it, Veirs’ voice echoes on top of warm, jangling guitars, the apparently upbeat melody betrayed by the sadness of the story it tells:

“You wrote “The Kiss” and it is beautiful

I can listen again and again

You never really got a break

From the car wrecks and the pain”

The crux of the Judee Sill legend is captured in these lines, which immediately identify Sill’s work with the tragic events of her life. Sill’s music is mentioned in Veir’s lyric but once, and only glancingly; it’s not even clear “The Kiss” is a song, or “Judee” a songwriter. Veirs’ appreciation for her music is given is as pretext for why the listener should care about Sill’s life, but it’s clear the main attraction here is tragedy. The rest of this atypical ode is not praise, but a retelling, addressed to Sill herself, of key moments in the legend of her life. What emerges is a tellingly concise fable that identifies Sill with the lonely phantom cowboys who populate her lyrical landscape.

Veirs appears to have lifted her narrative and several phrases from the BBC documentary. She mines in particular the commentary from Peltier, who says Sill was his best friend and shares the insights that would come to compose Veirs’ chorus: “You loved the Sons of the Pioneers and the Hollywood cowboy stars/you were just trying to put a hand to where we are.” She also borrows, nearly word-for-word, an introduction Judee gave during one of her London radio performances in 1972, describing her time “living in a ‘55 Cadillac, five people sleeping in shifts.” This almost creates an intimacy with Sill, whom Veirs had never met; however, there remains an insurmountable distance. Sill had been dead 35 years — as long as she was alive — by the time this ode was composed. While Veirs hints at Sill’s troubles in the first verse, only in the last verse does she make explicit what happened: “They found you with a needle in your arm, beloved books strewn ‘round at your feet”. The revelation gives the chorus retroactive prophetic relevance. The past tense, once wistful, is now crushing.

Her death, like her life, became part of the legend. There are general points of agreement: she had been in several car accidents, was using heroin again, and died of an overdose just after Thanksgiving 1979. Everything else is less clear. Though her death certificate reports she was found dead in her house in North Hollywood, a persistent rumor suggested she had disappeared to Mexico to live out her final days. Her death was reported as a suicide, but family members and friends maintain that the note found near her, a characteristic musing on death and redemption, was an idea for a song.

The title of a 2014 BBC Radio documentary by Ruth Barnes says it all: “The Lost Genius of Judee Sill.” Sill’s genius is preceded by its lostness. Sill herself comes last. Her music is mentioned too, of course. They quote Sill’s self-description of her work as “country-cult-baroque” and her professed influences, Bach and Pythagoras. (In some versions of the quote, Ray Charles is thrown in.) Yet every time, it seems, someone brings up that she wrote “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” about JD Souther, that Graham Nash produced it. She was the inaugural artist on David Geffen’s Asylum, we’re told, .She opened for Crosby Stills and Nash, and Cat Stevens, and Gordon Lightfoot — and so on. These revelations are usually accompanied by astonishment at the fact that she failed to find the commercial success of her peers, despite her comparable — perhaps superior — talents.

Many have offered explanations about how this happened. There is a general consensus that her falling-out with Geffen played a role. It’s not exactly clear what happened. The word “faggot” was involved, but whether it was said live or on the radio, in reference to Geffen himself or a pair of his pink shoes, is up for debate. Whatever she said severed their relationship. Some contend that she may have been in love with him, and was hurt when he spurned her advances. Others point out that she was growing frustrated with what she saw as his lack of promotion for her music. By this point, she was already making no secret of her disdain for the “snotty rock bands” she had to open for, and I doubt this did her any favors.

The contradictions in people’s stories exacerbate the larger-than-life quality of her life and times, as do the many cliches used to tell her story. Headlines variously declare her “a star that fame forgot,” “L.A.’s doomed lady of the canyon who lost her genius to drugs,” a “mystic” who “walked among us.” The human Judee Sill is lost somewhere beneath this sensationalism. It is no wonder why her friends and family members, Tommy Peltier chief among them, feel so compelled to set the record straight by providing their version of events. In his remarks in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption,” Peltier is quick to discourage speculation about her drug use and past prostitution, declaring instead “She was just the most beautiful person.”

“Beautiful,” you may recall, was the only word Laura Veirs could come up with to describe “The Kiss.” When I first heard “The Kiss,” I was immediately struck by how inadequate the word was to describe what I was hearing. The song showcases the best of her efforts to induce mathematically precise intervals into intricate melodies that aren’t so much heard as felt. Her lyrics, confusing the sacred and profane, ride the thin ridge between love and logic, devotion and desperation. Over shifting and plaintive piano Sill sings a eulogy to stars bursting in the sky and begs a lover — god? — to come and hold her “while you show me how to fly.” I first heard “The Kiss” in a YouTube video, one of few that survives of her performing, whose introduction insists that she herself was determined to be a successful musician. Ironically, the video shows precisely why perhaps she couldn’t be: severe and guileless, Sill hunches over the piano as if it were all that exists, engrossed in the song’s intense and uncommercial emotional intensity.

Sill’s idiosyncrasies are on full display in “Songs of Rapture and Redemption”, a compilation whose greatest strength is its commitment to capturing the artist and all her contradictions in her own words. The sleeve features a candid photograph of a smiling Sill, alongside several of her paintings and drawings. The tracks included are a combination of live recordings, demos, and studio outtakes that lay bare the deceptive complexity of her compositions. In the Boston Music Hall performance that opens the record, Sill, armed only with an acoustic guitar, tells the audience “I’m going to sing you a few little songs before David [Crosby] and Graham [Nash] get here. I’d like to sing you this song called “The Vigilante”. It’s new, I hope I remember the words.” The self-effacing introduction notwithstanding, what follows is nothing short of revelatory.

An early highlight is “Enchanted Sky Machines,” a bluesy number about waiting for the end of the world where she trades her distinctive fingerpicking for pentecostal piano licks she picked up in reform school. There is an aching earnestness to the way she sings of swallowing her yearning, and it carries over into “The Archetypal Man,” which begins with Sill singing the song’s opening harpsichord solo. Before “Crayon Angels,” she describes how she would call up friends as she was writing the album and sing them instrumental solos, joking that it must have been hard for them to like her in those days. The crowd is in on it, and her self-deprecating humor belies a clear confidence in her talents and her musical vision that is justified by the virtuosic grace of her playing. Sill was a perfectionist who demanded and deserved creative control, a notoriously laborious songwriter who could be a tyrant in the studio, and these tendencies are on full display even in this humble solo set. When she introduces her second last song, “The Lamb Ran Away With the Crown,” she enunciates every word, then repeats it again — ”with. the. crown.” — determined to ensure the the audience walks away knowing exactly what she was saying.

The set ends with Judee’s signature song, “Jesus Was a Crossmaker,” which had only just been released to radio two days prior. She calmly reveals the song’s inspiration, an unhappy relationship with a “bandit and a heartbreaker,” and describes waking up one day with the conviction “that even that wretched bastard was not beyond redemption.” Her diction is clear, her tone less so. The audience, nonetheless moved, cheers and laughs. She goes on: “It’s true, I swear. It saved me, this song. It was writing this song or suicide. It’s called “Jesus is a Crossmaker” and I hope you like it.” Her voice seems monotonous for such an emotional confession, but that stops mattering as soon as the song begins.

Instantly her singing voice, freed from the perfectionism of her studio recordings, reveals itself as strikingly human. Precise, unadorned, free of vibrato, it is flat in places, sharp in others, yet cuts to the rhythmic core of each note. She struggles with a few of the intervals she has given herself to sing, but this only enhances the song, giving human voice to the mathematical precision of her compositions, linking the downtrodden with the divine. With her unpretentious voice and deceptively simple language, she strives to speak redemption into being. Her longing for it is audible.

Such longing is a key theme in much of sill’s work, and nowhere is it more pronounced than in “Crayon Angels”:

Crayon Angel songs are slightly out of tune

But I'm sure I'm not to blame

Nothing's happened, but I think it will soon

So I sit here waiting for God and a train to the Astral plane

Later in the song, she confesses “Guess reality is not as it seems so I sit here hoping for truth, and a ride to the other side”. Sill knows the truth she longs for is unattainable, at least in this lifetime — but she remains unflagging in her belief in something. It is this belief that motivates her music. To characterize Sill as a god-given genius laid low by fate undercuts her formidable musical ambition, and the sincerity with which she approached her craft. The work she created was not purely inspired by the divine, but instead strove for it, confronting the inevitable impossibility of reaching perfection with the all-too-human drive for beauty in the face of death. Still, one gets the sense that Sill herself, enthralled as she was with cowboy stories and cosmic secrets, might appreciate the mythic proportions her life story has taken. I like to think that she’s made it to the Astral plane, and that wherever she is, she’s smiling.

#h: assignment #h: 2018 #judee sill #music criticism #folk music #songs of rapture and redemption

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davethot · 5 years

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ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES RANKED... WHY DID WE DO THIS

Please............. for the love of god view this list. Help us. We worked so fucking hard... and for what?

My roommate/best friend and I ( @kar-queen ) decided to watch ALL 36 BARBIE MOVIES and then rank them from worst to best. This adventure was inspired by the YouTube video by caitlovesdisney where she also ranked every single Barbie movie. However, we wanted to do our own list since some of her choices didn’t reflect what we thought. Her list was still so awesome and I respect anyone who decides to watch all these Barbie movies. We did this because of sheer curiosity and for the sake of very scientific research.

We thought it would be fun at first. We really did. And it was? Kind of? Just, Jesus Christ. We can no longer see pink. I have night terrors about Barbie’s ugly ass animal friends. It truly was An Experience and has left us feeling dazed and like we never want to rank things ever again. We weren’t planning on posting a written out ranking of these movies anywhere (since we were just doing it for fun between us) but we wanted some physical evidence of our labor since this whole experience took 50 years off our lives.

Under READMORE we will rank the 36 Barbie movies from WORST TO BEST (36 to 1). HOWEVER, THERE’S A TWIST. We are ALSO ranking them based on how GAY they were (and trust me, it yielded more results than you would originally think). That way we could both get through these movies by spicing things up a little bit. Hit readmore if you’re not a coward.

DISCLAIMER: Barbie is a staple for kids and overall teaches them that anyone (though more specifically girls/women) can do/be anything, which is extremely admirable. We have no issues with Barbie as a role model for kids and this list is all in good fun. However, we are going to point out things that either frustrated us or seemed downright harmful for kids to watch and take after. Clearly Mattel/Barbie has taken great and necessary steps to be more inclusive and progressive, especially in recent years compared to their older movies.

ANOTHER MILD DISCLAIMER: In some of these movies Barbie’s character is not named Barbie, but we’re just going to call every main girl Barbie to keep things simple and easy. Just a warning.

ANOTHER ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: This is going to be long since there are 36 movies. Even if you read all of this you will only feel a fraction of our pain.

WITH THAT, LET’S START WITH SOME HOT GARBAGE. LET’S GO GAMERS.

36. BARBIE IN PRINCESS POWER (2015)

Starting out with at the fucking bottom lads. My roommate and I were foaming at the fucking mouth watching this movie. It’s so hard to explain why this one pissed us off so much because it was nearly every single goddamn aspect of it. Here’s some bullet points to make this go by quickly and painlessly.

- She’s a princess but then she ALSO gets super powers??? So she’s already extremely privileged, rich, and lives a comfortable lifestyle, but then she gets powers when A MAGICAL FAIRY BUTTERFLY KISSES HER CHEEK? LIKE LITERALLY JUST KISSES HER CHEEK AND BOOM SHE HAS POWERS.

- Her powers are really fucking boring. All she has is super strength and she can fly.

- She treats her best friends/side kicks like shit??? These poor girls (neither rich nor princesses) dote on this fucking girl and do everything for her behind the scenes while she sucks at being a super hero. It’s really infuriating.

- There’s a side plot where she lets the fame get to her head. So, she starts snapping at everyone around her and just being overall a total bitch? Also her sister gets powers too and they like, fight over this said attention. Stupid.

- At the end of the movie she apologizes to her sister, but never to her friends or the other people she walked all over? Absolutely infuriating. We don’t know how else to describe this film. Barbie was so rude and unaware of the kind of privilege she had and acted spoiled the entire time, which is why it’s ranked at the complete bottom.

- Also there was a romantic interest, I think????? He was a reporter? Don’t remember his name. Doesn’t matter. They didn’t get together. Also the fashion and colors in this movie are horrendous. Like c’mon guys.

Oh also how could we forget. GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. So aggressively heterosexual.

Also: We know that Barbie is usually a princess in all of these movies and usually we don’t really care, but this one was especially bad when it came to her acting so fucking privileged. I swear we’re not insane this one was just so bad when it came to that.

35. BARBIE AND THE SECRET DOOR (2014)

This one isn’t going to be as long or intense as Princess Power (which literally had so much wrong with it that we barely covered any of it). This one was just so offensively ugly. And boring. And stupid. I hated it so much.

This is also another one where she’s a princess and she whines about how her life is so hard?

In the beginning, she talks about how all she does is lay around all day and read books, and then later sings a song about how she wishes she could lay around all day and read books? Like, we stan a bookworm queen, but she acts so ungrateful for her lifestyles and then never mentions liking to read again when the main adventure of the movie starts. Just overall dumb and boring.

Also this is so fucking ugly. Did we mention that this movie is ugly?

I don’t know who approved of these backgrounds and colors but they’re just so hideous like it literally gives me a headache.

GAYNESS RANK: Pretty heterosexual. Barbie doesn’t have a love interest which is kind of nice and the two girls she meets are cute friends, but not enough to be noteworthy when it comes to gay.

34. BARBIE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (2011)

For being centered around Christmas, this didn’t feel like a Christmas movie at all. It tried to follow the typical plot of “We had a great Christmas planned but then oh no! So many things went wrong! But in the end all that matters is that you’re with your family and that’s what Christmas is all about :)” but they somehow managed to fuck that up? This movie is so mean? Barbie’s sisters are awful to each other, and lash out multiple times, especially at the youngest sister. Even if they tried to make up at the end the whole film felt very mean-spirited for a Christmas movie.

The message about family was lost when they were more concerned with streaming a band performance rather than spending time with each other. It just was not great overall and left a very sour taste in our mouths. Would not recommend to show a kid around Christmas.

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all. Pretty heterosexual. Skipper (the brunette) kind of had this weird thing with her girl friend that lived in New York but it didn’t really go anywhere. Her friend was never shown on screen, anyway.

Also the movies really fucking ugly. We’re not even going to mention the horrendous pink Christmas trees. You’re welcome.

33. BARBIE MAGIC OF THE RAINBOW (2007) (also known as Fairytopia 3)

Being the 3rd movie in the Fairytopia series, it’s by far the worst. The portrayal of Barbie/the main character was very obnoxious and careless. She was automatically good at everything she did on the first try and it was honestly so unrealistic and didn’t teach a great message at all.

It also just, like, had these fairies attend school? To strengthen their powers, I guess? It wasn’t really explained. Barbie was very mean to a another fairy and even if they made up at the end it didn’t feel genuine. I think they were just trying to milk this Fairytopia series for everything it was worth and I’m glad it stopped after this one.

Her bf in this one wasn’t bad, though, he was pretty sweet. He could talk to animals which was charming.

GAYNESS RANK: Mid-tier. Even though she fought with the one fairy they had a pretty intense rivalry thing going on, which was pretty gay. Even though she had a bf they kind of barely interacted since Barbie was so engrossed with the other fairy. A few gay points I guess. Though those few gay points get taken away when her annoying fluff ball Bibble gets an ugly fluff ball girlfriend. Stupid.

32. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE (2010)

Okay, like... I barely watched this one so my roommate took the fall. So, I’m going to quote them for this: “This one was just written badly, objectively. The pacing was horrendous. The story was very contrived. *long pause*....... That’s all.”

Yeah I don’t have much to say about this one either. I remember Barbie being bitchy towards her friends and her guardian. When a magic dolphin asks her to help she’s just like “no, fuck you” for literally no reason at all? She surfs but it’s not even that cool, so... wasted potential.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s not nothing? Some potential. Her surfing buddies hang around and she hangs out with her mermaid friends as well. Other than that, though... :( (I promise there will be Barbie movies that are gay just wait)

31. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PUPPY CHASE (2016)

This movie... is so strange. We hated it so much, but it was also kind of ironically hilarious??? This is the second movie in the “Barbie and her Sisters + Puppies” series (which are terrible) but this one was special in how awful it was.

Barbie is SUCH AN IRRESPONSIBLE SISTER. So they go on vacation to some tropical island and Barbie’s youngest sister has a dance recital to practice for, but Barbie just straight up tells her to not practice?? LIKE??? BARBIE?!

They also end up fucking deserted on this island. Everything you can think of goes wrong for them. It’s honestly incredible. At one point they’re stranded outside in the rain only eating granola bars by a fire. Barbie tries to cheer them up by playing this STUPID game called “imagine if” where they just name things that they wish would happen???

Oh and at the end Barbies sister ends up winning her dance recital when her whole family and an entire entourage of animals dance with her on stage. Cause, like, yeah, that’s totally fucking fair to the other contestants.

GAYNESS RANK: All of these Puppy movies are absolutely not gay at all bc it’s literally just Barbie and her sisters with some puppies. Don’t expect too much.

30. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN THE GREAT PUPPY ADVENTURE (2015)

This is the first movie in the Sisters + Puppies series and it’s pretty much just as bad as the other one, but at least Puppy Chase was funny. This one is really boring. Also forgot to mention that the puppies talk. It’s very annoying and absolutely ruins the movies.

This movie on the surface kind of has a charming premise where they all go on vacation to the countryside/the midwest and experience a lot of small town things, and yet it doesn’t feel very genuine? As someone from the midwest I can confirm.

Barbie and her sisters go on this treasure hunt that apparently their grandfather died trying to solve, and yet they manage to solve it within a couple days? caitlovesdisney explains it pretty well in her video if you wanna hear more about Puppy Adventure. I know you’re just dying to know more about Puppy Adventure.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie at one point talks to another woman who isn’t one of her sisters. Super exciting stuff.

29. BARBIE THE PRINCESS AND THE POPSTAR (2012)

Okaaaaay, like....... this one made us really. really. mad.

So we’ve already mentioned how Barbie acts super privileged in some of these movies, but this is the one that made us notice it. The basic premise is that there’s a princess (Barbie) and a popstar (Who Cares) and they want to switch lives.

But the thing is they already live amazing lives? So the other Barbie film that this one borrows from (The Princess and the Pauper) loses its meaning and drama? Instead of a rich girl and poor girl trading lives, it’s just two rich girls switching lives.

ALSO! There’s this side plot where, within the castle, they have this tree that can GROW DIAMONDS? AND THAT’S THE SOURCE OF THE KINGDOM’S WEALTH? AND YET, LATER IN THE MOVIE, THERE ARE POOR PEOPLE LIVING IN POVERTY. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIAMOND TREE FOR?????

The only saving grace for this movie was that Barbie and the popstar were extremely gay. Like, having posters and pictures of each other in their rooms, gazing at each other dreamily from balconies, and subtly being very touchy-feely every time they’re together in person. That’s pretty much the only reason why it’s a bit higher than some of the others.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the gayest ones. There are so many side glances and yearning. Shoulder touches and all that. We totally shipped these two by the end. In a different universe, in a better movie... these two could have been super cute together.

28. BARBIE THE PEARL PRINCESS (2014)

Not much to say about this one. I hated it a lot more than my roommate did and I’m the one typing this all out sooooo I get the final say. I hate this movie so much. Barbie, once again, acted really privileged and was super unlikable. At one point she gets a job at a hair salon, which is kinda nice I guess? But then she’s automatically good at it without even trying? So... fuck off.

Also there’s a seahorse with hair and it looked so ugly that I constantly wanted to cry. Please free me from the sleep paralysis demons that are the Barbie animal sidekicks.

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing to report. The couple girls Barbie hangs out with were barely in the movie so there were no vibes. Sad.

27. BARBIE IN ROCK N ROYALS (2015)

We’re getting to the mid-tier Barbie movies that we don’t have much to say about. My roommate and I just found the concept of this one to be really dumb?

The outfits were very ugly and the singers were really bad. But there was a main character who was a black girl, which was really nice to see! They also went a little more punk than the typical frilly stuff which was nice to see. Not the worst but still ranked pretty low cause of the dumb premise and just being pretty boring overall.

GAYNESS RANK: This one was decently gay, pretty mid-tier. Barbie had a great potential romance with the other main girl and the way they interacted was very sweet and cute. They both had male love interests but nothing really came of it which is kinda funny. Not too much going on but enough to get a mention.

26. BARBIE PRINCESS CHARM SCHOOL (2011)

This was SO FRUSTRATING because it started out STRONG, but then crashed and burned really quickly.

The movie starts out with Barbie working her ass off at a little diner to make ends meet at home. We see how her guardian can’t work and that she has a little sister and a home to support. It was really charming to see Barbie hustling to make money and felt so much more down-to-Earth than a lot of the other Barbie movies where she’s a princess and has everything she wants.

Long story short, she wins this drawing to be enrolled in this Princess Charm School where you can learn to be royalty. In the end she finds out that she was the lost princess all along and then everything that was mentioned at the beginning is completely abandoned once this is found out. Just... super disappointing how a relatable Barbie depiction ends up being a princess all along :/

Also the fashion in this movie was super disappointing. They somehow managed to make preppy school girl outfits look bad. Sad.

GAYNESS RANK: This one’s pretty much on the same level as Rock n Royals. There was some potential with Barbie and her friends but not much else. Next.

25. BARBIE IN A MERMAID TALE 2 (2012)

Absolutely nothing to report. There’s some more surfing action in this one compared to the first one which is really nice.

Imma be real with u chief... I barely remember what happens. She meets an Australian girl? She gets tricked by a French fish into transforming into a mermaid? Villain from the first movie comes back... Australian girl gets caught in a whirlpool... They save the day.

There’s a pretty shitty part where the Australian girl wins the surfing competition but Barbie still somehow gets all the reporters’ attention and gets a sponsorship. It was sad and tbh we didn’t like that part.

GAYNESS RANK: Gayer than most. Her and this girl have a rivalry which is pretty cute. They playfully tease each other while surfing all the time and tbh I could totally ship it. The Australian girl’s pretty spunky which is refreshing. Too bad her Australian accent was so obviously fake it was distracting.

24. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA (2005)

This one gets the award for the most boring Barbie movie. We both could not even try to bring ourselves to pay attention to this one, even if my roommate was nostalgic for it. Bibble was a highlight just cause we made fun of him the whole time but it was a short-lived high. That’s all. Here’s a creepy picture we found of the main character.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie doesn’t have a love interest at all, which is like, a point... She hangs out with the blue fairy and they’re kinda cute. Not much else, though.

23. BARBIE FAIRYTOPIA: MERMAIDIA (2006)

My roommate is really nostalgic for this one since they grew up with it, and yet they found it hard to pay attention at all. As did I. It was pretty boring. About a week went by after we watched this one and my roommate was trying to talk about it but I literally did not remember watching it until they showed me a picture of the ugly ass snail with huge lips and it jump scared me. You had to be there I guess.

They were mermaids... Bibble was there... typical Barbie shit. This image pretty much perfectly describes how enthralling it was to watch this.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie and the blue mermaid are a little gay. The love interest was pretty funny and cute. He did have a thing for the blue mermaid so a couple gay points get deducted.

22. BARBIE THE 12 DANCING PRINCESSES (2006)

We know this one’s a classic, but we just found it to be very boring? I know this seems like a trend but we swear that we didn’t think all the Barbie movies are boring, it’s just the middle of the list. The dancing in this one was kind of nice and there was an interesting subplot where this lady was slowly poisoning their dad.

The only thing that seemed silly was when they would stow away to the magical island... Like, why? The lady banned dancing but they could have just danced in their rooms. No one ever went in to check on them or they would have noticed they were gone anyway. So what the hell.

Also Barbie and all of her other sisters looked exactly the same and it was hard to tell them apart. The love interest was pretty cute, though.

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing, absolutely zippo. They’re all sisters and she had a nice romance with the guy so.

21. BARBIE AND THE DIAMOND CASTLE (2008)

Gonna get this out of the way: There is basically nothing to report when it comes to the plot of this movie. Evil force upon the land. A villain. Animal sidekicks. Love interest/Ken who’s barely in the movie. Barbie defeats the evil and gets a new dress. THE END. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT.

THIS MOVIE... IS SO GAY?

This was at the top of our gay Barbie list literally the entire time (until it was dethroned, but we’ll get to that later). This story LITERALLY revolves around Barbie and her “friend” who: live together in the same house, write songs together, dream about living in a mansion together, garden together, sing while gardening together... LIKE?? Holy shit, lesbian goals.

At one point in the film they find two heart shaped rocks in the river and make them into necklaces, which they both wear to solidify their “friendship”. We are not making this up. This entire movie was comprised of us looking incredulously at each other every time they stared longingly at one another or mentioned how much they need each other. Evidence:

GAYNESS RANKING: Not gonna say it again. Top-tier gay. However, amazingly, not the gayest. We’ll get into that later. Regardless, we stan two beautiful lesbians living in the woods together where all they do is wear heart-shaped necklaces and sing songs about being rich one day. Amazing.

20. THUMBELINA (2009)

A Barbie movie with an environmental message, which is fine, I guess... Overall we just kinda found this movie annoying, but still a little bit better than other ones that were either insulting or just downright boring. Ferngully for babies?

I... Wish I could say more. I’m sorry. It’s fine if you were going to show it to a kid, I guess. We also thought this one was kinda ugly as well.

GAYNESS RANK: There are the two friends and we got no vibes. Absolutely zippo. Next.

19. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND HER BUTTERFLY FAIRY FRIENDS (2008)

Another one where we just don’t have much to say? We’re now entering the “fine” category. I wouldn’t be really mad if someone made me rewatch it, but I wouldn’t be happy with it either.

Barbie is also a bookworm in this one, but it’s done a lot better than Secret Door. It’s kind of nice how she’s considered an outcast in this one and has to work through that. Her love interest (Carlos, we remembered his name!) was funny and brought life to the movie. Overall pretty okay!

The bunny sidekick was kind of ugly, though. Can’t win in every category.

GAYNESS RANK: Has some promising potential, but doesn’t really deliver. Disappointing but not awful.

18. BARBIE MARIPOSA AND THE FAIRY PRINCESS (2013)

This one is a lot better than the first! Surprisingly, this movie deals racism in a way that is easily digestible for children while also not making light of the issue. It’s not perfect, but we found it to do its job pretty well.

It centers around Barbie meeting a princess (Barbie isn’t a princess for once, yay!) and while the two want to be friends, the princess is a crystal wing fairy and Barbie is a butterfly wing fairy, so the princesses father objects to them being friends.

Also great time to mention that this was the second gayest Barbie movie for many many many reasons. And trust us, topping Diamond Castle is no easy feat.

First of all, there are SEVERAL scenes where the crystal fairy princess is completely disinterested in what’s going on but, as soon as Barbie walks in, she gets really excited and gives her her full attention. It’s EXTREMELY cute.

Second, there’s a Beauty and the Beast esque scene where the crystal fairy gives Barbie an entire library of books, since she remembers that she loves books. They also proceed to bond over what kind of books they like and watching them geek out over that is adorable.

Third, they sneak off to a cave so that they can hang out without the crystal fairy’s father (the king) finding them. They then go to skip rocks on a lake and the ripples make rainbows. They also dance together at a ball, and there is just so much lingering eye contact and small touches. They’re cute and we ship.

GAYNESS RANK: ALMOST top of the list. SUPER close. Not quite there, though. We weren’t expecting this one to be as gay as it was since it was a sequel movie, but thank god it was.

17. BARBIE VIDEO GAME HERO (2017)

This... is a weird one? The basic plot is that Barbie is a programmer who makes video games. She gets sucked into a video game and they need her help to rid the game of viruses. We’re really conflicted about this movie so this will benefit from some good ol fashioned bullet points.

- It’s really cool that Barbie’s a programmer and likes to play video games, and she’s not a princess! It was very nice and modern of them to include a story like this. Very refreshing after 30 or so Barbie movies that revolve around her being a princess.

- There’s a lot of side characters who join Barbie on her quest, but none of them are interesting or memorable...

- The art style changes between “levels”, and while a cute idea, they don’t take advantage of it enough! There are only three art style changes in the whole movie, and two out of the three are really ugly.

- There is so much Just Dance product placement in this movie. It’s cringe.

- The plot of this movie literally... makes no sense? They say that once Barbie wins the level, the viruses attacking that said level will be destroyed, but throughout the movie every time she wins they still don’t stop??? So that’s why she had to have a bunch of characters follow her around so they wouldn’t get attacked by viruses? SO WHAT IS SHE WINNING THE LEVELS FOR?

- This movie was probably the most baby out of all of them. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it was kind of a shock after we were watching all the other Barbie films, which are more targeted towards children to tweens. This one felt like it was for toddlers.

- Overall this movie wasn’t bad, just very strange. Would maybe recommend? Fine for your kid to watch if they want something casual and fun that involves a girl gamer. Gamers rise up.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay vibes at all, which is not a total epic gamer moment. Probs because this movie was very very baby so the vibes were nonexistent. Too bad since Barbie met up with a lot of cute girls. Gaymer oppression never ends :(. Press F.

16. BARBIE DOLPHIN MAGIC (2017)

We did it lads. We found The Gayest Barbie Movie that has Ever Existed.

Before we get to that, though, I hate to admit that this is one of the Barbie’s Sisters + Puppies movies, but it’s kind of hilarious because in this one they completely remove the puppies talking. I guess someone smartened up and realized that that was stupid and dumb. Thank god for them because it made the movie infinitely better.

Plot is simple: Barbie and her sisters are on vacation and while they’re visiting the most boring man on Earth (Ken), an emerald dolphin gets trapped by an evil marine biologist who wants to sell the dolphin for money. Then a mermaid named Isla (yes we remember her name because she’s incredible) goes to save the dolphin with the help of Barbie (with minimal contributions from the others).

I know we raved about how Fairy Princess was very gay, but just......... wow......... The difference between this and fairy princess is that Dolphin Magic literally has an entire scene dedicated to Barbie and Isla swimming together very closely with ethereal music, littered with cute giggling, lingering shoulder touches, and extended eye contact. Oh, also can’t forget the hand holding.

Don’t forget about the necklaces they give each other so that they can stay connected with each other no matter where they are in the world. There’s even a scene at the end where Isla mentions how Barbie kept trying to contact her multiple times off-screen, only validating Barbies insane girl crush on Isla.

This may or may not be photoshopped but tbh I don’t give a damn.

GAYNESS RANK: The gayest Barbie movie. These two were so adorable throughout the entire movie and we couldn’t even get into everything that made it so charming. There were many scenes where Isla was learning how to act like a human that were so sweet and endearing. Great Barbie movie if you’re looking for something sweet with some obvious lesbians. Go team.

15. BARBIE NUTCRACKER (2001)

We had a lot to say about Dolphin Magic since it was gay, but now we’re getting back into the “it’s fine” category with Nutcracker.

This movie is sweet and it’s pretty hard to fuck up a Nutcracker adaptation. There wasn’t a ton of ballet which was a little disappointing? They also didn’t play the whole soundtrack and stuck a lot of the good songs right at the end, which was odd. Our only real complaint was it kind of wasted its potential and it was slightly boring.

Other than that, it’s a sweet Christmas movie if anyone really likes Barbie and the Nutcracker. My roommate grew up on the Nutcracker so regardless it can be pretty nostalgic for some.

Also, Barbie is beautiful in this movie.

GAYNESS RANK: There literally is not another female for Barbie to interact with in this movie. There were a couple guys who could have possibly given off vibes but we felt nothing so.

14. BARBIE A FASHION FAIRYTALE (2010)

If there’s anything to say about this one, it’s definitely... interesting.

So in this universe, Barbie is an actress, and she plays herself in a bunch of pre-existing Barbie movies (many of which that have already been mentioned on this list). It’s extremely meta and a little confusing???

Barbie basically gets fired from her job, Ken dumps her, and she goes to find herself in Paris with her fashion designer aunt. The most interesting thing we can really say about this movie is describing the beginning, because that was the best part by far.

It’s also revealed that Ken did not actually dump her, so there’s a really charming side plot where Ken travels all the way from LA to Paris to sort it all out in person through a spontaneous act of romance.

Ken ABSOLUTELY makes this movie. We quote him a lot when we’re just hanging out in the apartment. He is so cute and funny and loves Barbie so much, it’s adorable. Absolutely worth the watch to see a true himbo in action.

Also, Ken and Barbie kiss at the end and we’re p sure this is the only movie where Barbie actually kisses any of her love interests. Fuck yeah.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s no gayness, but that’s okay, because the romance between Barbie and Ken is adorable. I never want anything to get between these two :’)

13. BARBIE IN A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2008)

Not much more to say about this one other than it’s a Christmas Carol but with Barbie. It was interesting to see Barbie in a “Scrooge” role where she has to relearn how to be caring and kind. It was pretty down to Earth and felt very Christmas-y and festive.

There was a very sweet plot of Barbie reconnecting with a girl she used to sing with as they were growing up. It was also interesting to see that while Barbie was growing up, her family would force her to practice singing rather than letting her go outside and live a normal life. This made Barbie feel a little more down-to-Earth.

Sorry, we don’t really know what else to say. It’s fine. The cat is very ugly, though.

GAYNESS RANK: There’s a scene at the end, after Barbie reconnects with her friend, where she’s holding her hands and giggling a lot. It was really cute to see them be friends and to be excited about the holidays together. A couple gay points were deducted since her friend did have a love interest, though.

12. BARBIE AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS (2009)

Not gonna lie, this one was a little... disappointing? We were really excited for this one since it’s a lot of people’s favorite, and the concept of Barbie being a musketeer (and not a princess :)) is exciting and fresh.

The beginning of this movie was great!! Seeing Barbie practicing in the barn with her animals was just really sweet. She was wearing a cute outfit with pants a vest and the HAT.

Though, as it went on, it started to drop off for us. The reveal of the musketeers at the end was really underwhelming, and we thought the outfits were a let down compared to Barbie’s earlier outfit in the movie.

Other than those things, this movie was fun!! Watching all the girls be badass and learn how to fight with their unique weapons was awesome. Watching them team up was really satisfying. The prince guy was also pretty sweet. We would recommend watching this, esp if you remember it being your favorite.

GAYNESS RANK: Has a lot of gay energy!! There are a few scenes where people are outwardly sexist towards her and yet she strives to prove them wrong. When she meets the other girls, they are coached by this old lady who can kick ass. Even though it could have been gayer it was a good time.

11. BARBIE A FAIRY SECRET (2011)

Some people may be mad that we put this above Three Musketeers... whoops.

Anyway this movie solely exists to give us more Amazing Ken content. This movie takes place in the same universe as Fashion Fairy Tale, so it’s the same Barbie and Ken from that movie.

Our only complaint is that they took the domestic feel of Fashion Fairy Tale and turned it into something that had so much unnecessary magic?? Though at the same time we got A Vibe from this movie that the creators just wanted to make something silly, and it worked.

Ken is HILARIOUS in this movie, even better than Fashion Fairy Tale. Even though everyone turns into a fairy, the wings that they give Ken are small and pink and he can barely fly with them. It’s just so... funny? He also... mock-fights this other buff fairy guy?? Idk this movie is really hard to explain, sorry. We would definitely recommend this even if just for Ken.

GAYNESS RANK: Ken is a himbo so he automatically attracts the lesbian crowd. There’s also a plot with Barbie where she makes up with this girl who had been mean to her for the longest time, but it’s done in a way that just feels... really gay? Or at least the girl is kinda gay and Barbie doesn’t exactly realize (since she’s in a committed relationship with Ken). This movie feels like it would be more appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself.

10. BARBIE AS THE PRINCESS AND THE PAUPER (2004)

A lot of people are probably going to be surprised that this isn’t in our top 5, but we want to stress that this movie is good!! These top 10 Barbie movies are getting into the territory where we would absolutely recommend them because they are cute and fun, and this is exactly that!

The songs in this movie are great! However, we do have to be a little bitter towards it since this started the trend of musical Barbie movies, and many of them are shitty and bad compared to this.

The villain of this movie....... *chefs kiss* We also quote him constantly.

This is an example of a Barbie movie where she’s a princess but it’s very endearing and done well. She rarely comes off as spoiled. She’s very smart and brave, and we see this through her actions rather than the movie just obnoxiously telling us that she is. Also the romance between the pauper and the king was very sweet.

GAYNESS RANK: While this was a great set-up to be gay, it doesn’t follow through. We’re not bitter about it, though, since their love interests were very sweet. Pretty straight of them to have their cats fall in love, though :/

9. BARBIE AS THE ISLAND PRINCESS (2007)

When we first watched this one, we thought it was extremely boring and we were going to put it kind of low, but the more we thought about it we realized that it really did have a great plot.

They brought Barbie to civilization from her deserted island and people start getting sick, so they’re blaming Barbie for bringing diseases when in reality it’s the villain using rats to poison people’s food. Also, it was so charming and interesting to see Barbie’s love interest want to be an adventurer, and he had so much more personality than a lot of other Barbie Princes. While he’s not on Ken’s level, he was so sweet.

All in all this one definitely had one of the tightest plots with great characters that really endears you to them. It’s a little slow but def worth the watch.

GAYNESS RANK: One of the least gay ones... Not mad though, the love interests were great. The peacock was kinda gay so... love wins.

8. BARBIE OF SWAN LAKE (2003)

People will ALSO be surprised that this one is so low compared to other people’s Barbie movie lists. Please, trust us, we’re not crazy, it’s just... when you’ve watched 30+ other Barbie movies the initial charm of this kind of wears off. We both are very nostalgic for this movie and yet that couldn’t even bump it into the top 5.

A couple things we can praise: The toys were AMAZING, Barbie’s dress is BEAUTIFUL and ICONIC, the dancing and music were very gorgeous. The dancing in this movie was mocapped from real ballet dancers, so, very nice.

But... the forest animals were kind of annoying? Their outfits were kind of cute but they were still annoying? The villain’s daughter’s VOICE was just... HORRENDOUS. With the villain in Princess and the Pauper, the guy’s voice was comical but it didn’t completely take you out of the movie. This chick, however, was being so over dramatic that it wasn’t even ironically funny, it was very cringey... Just bad voice acting all around.

Also this movie was a lot more boring than we remember.

REGARDLESS OF ALL OF THAT, this is a CLASSIC Barbie movie and we would still recommend checking it out at least once (and rewatching if you haven’t seen it since you were a kid).

GAYNESS RANK: Nothing gay to report. Next.

7. BARBIE IN THE PINK SHOES (2013)

Another... strange one.

So Barbie is a ballet dancer about to do a performance and when her shoes break down, she goes into a store room and finds a pair of pink ballet shoes. When she puts them on, she and her friend are teleported into this alternate dimension??? Where all ballets ever are happening at the same time??? And she’s the main lead for all of them?? At once?? And there’s this ice queen villain who controls people by making them dance???????

This was the first Barbie movie we watched (we put them all in a wheel and let that decide our fate) and it sure did set the tone.

Plot doesn’t matter though, we need to talk about... Them. Only Pink Shoes fans will understand.

So, there are these two guys... and they’re just like... really gay??? They inspired us to apply a gay ranking to these Barbie movies, if that tells you anything. One in a prince and the other is a commoner/hunter. There are so many scenes where it cuts away from Barbie to focus on these two playfully bantering with each other (enemies to lovers 100k slowburn)? The hunter guy teaches the other how to shoot a bow and arrow by touching him and guiding him into the right position? There’s also a scene where they meet back up with Barbie, but they only have two horses, so instead of Barbie riding with one of them they ride with each other and give her her own horse??? Respect women juice...

They also show up at the end just... together? (in real life not in the... Pink Shoes dimension) and it’s not explained what they’re doing together or even what their relationship is (friendship or otherwise). It truly was bizarre.

GAYNESS RANK: This was on top for quite awhile since it was the first movie we watched. Unfortunately de-throned by Diamond Castle when we got around to it, but we still STAN these himbos.

6. BARBIE AND HER SISTERS IN A PONY TALE (2013)

I... okay hear us out...

This movie is bad. Like, objectively it’s very very bad. It’s a baby movie, a Barbie and her sisters movie, it’s a horse girl movie, on top of everything... and yet...

We probably had the most fun watching this one, like, we were glued to the fucking screen. We cried laughing multiple times because it was just so charmingly bad.

Plot isn’t important, since my roommate and I keep forgetting what the real plot is. We only care about the British boys from the rivaling stable and how they just breeze in and out and run away on their horses laughing like frenchmen... even though they’re British. One of them uncannily resembles Malfoy from hp and is a sidekick to the main guy, it’s a little weird.

There are also these two British kids and the girl is super weird? Like weird girl representation for real. Also there’s this Phillipe guy who was so fucking funny to listen to. Here’s Phillipe, you’re welcome.

Fuck you I’m not resizing the image.

Oh also Barbie finds a magic horse with a pink mane. Phillipe wants to like, kill her for it, I guess. Yeah.

GAYNESS RANK: While super fucking funny, not a lot of gay. It makes up for it with the mere presence of Phillipe.

5. BARBIE AND THE MAGIC OF PEGASUS (2005)

This and the next entry are both tied for 4th place since it was extremely hard to choose between the two. We were both nostalgic for this and the next entry, but we were also really excited to find out that both of these are great movies!

So me personally, I was a horse girl growing up, and I ADORED this movie. I didn’t think it would be so good upon rewatch, but it actually was! The plot was pretty tight, the villain was fun, it felt like a genuine fairytale, the characters were cute and fun, and Barbie was intelligent and resourceful!

Check this one out if you haven’t seen it, but now we’re going to talk about one of the best aspects of this movie, which is Barbie’s love interest.

Unlike every single other Barbie bf, the love interest in this one (named Aiden) was literally almost a better character than Barbie herself. For the first time EVER they decided to give a Barbie love interest a BACKSTORY. And, like, a GOOD backstory. It made him feel like a real person and his story pulled at your heartstrings.

Also, him and Barbie do not automatically get along, and for a decent amount of time they have witty banter with one another. It really lets their characters shine through the movie and was SO refreshing.

We could rave about Aiden all day, but you guys should just go watch it for yourself, it really is worth it!

GAYNESS RANK: Not gay at all, but fine since the romance is so great. Moving on!

4. BARBIE AS RAPUNZEL (2002)

This movie is just... good. And not even good for a Barbie movie, it’s just a well-written movie overall! The plot was tight and remained interesting without being too complicated, either. Barbie’s animals were also pretty charming (even if the rabbit is ass ugly, but it’s 2002, they get a pass) and likable compared to other Barbie sidekicks. The dragon even has a little arc of her own??? Hell yeah.

Don’t really have to explain the plot, it’s Rapunzel. The only difference is that she has a magical paintbrush that can teleport her to places that she paints, which helps the story progress.

It also really did feel like Barbie was in mortal danger, which is so unlike every other Barbie movie. I was really glad to have grown up with this movie being my first exposure to Rapunzel, since I believe it’s a great introduction to her (and the toys were awesome, lol). This was another movie where Barbie being a princess was really great and charming since it felt earned since she went through hard times.

Okay, like, we literally cannot go any further without mentioning something, stay with us...

In the movie, there’s, like, this weasel/ferret thing that belongs to the villain. He’s basically an animal villain, or whatever.

I don’t really know how else to say this other than there’s this scene where he asks the villain to give him the rabbit and he outright just... moans????? The voice actor just... lets it out. It literally sounds like he’s getting a hand job in the recording booth in the middle of the line and just lets it all out and they kept that shit in, and then animated it????

We really wish we could include a video exclusively of that scene, but the best we can do is just link the video and give you a time stamp (37:49). PLEASE watch it. We have been quoting it every single day since we watched the damn movie.

GAYNESS RANK: No gay. Nothing to report. Barren. Probably the least gay.

3. BARBIE SPY SQUAD (2016)

All due respect to the original queen caitlovesdisney, but like, she’s wrong about Spy Squad. Listen.

This movie was SO MUCH FUN. We were literally just glued to the screen and having a great time watching these three girls chase after this cute af phantom thief chick??? They had tons of cops-and-robbers dialogue with her and it was just... FUN. Almost like a thriller, tbh.

caitlovesdisney did make a great point in her video when she mentioned that they were actually pretty bad at being spies, and we can totally see why this would be super frustrating to people if they were watch. However, my roommate and I didn’t mind? We thought it was charming that they weren’t automatically great at something and that they had to practice a ton to get better. So much more refreshing compared to other Barbie stories.

The elephant in the room, though... we have to talk about Lazlo.

Barbie’s friend (Theresa) has the cutest fucking romance with the boy who builds all their spy equipment throughout the movie. They’re both really nerdy, but they don’t shove it down your throat and act annoying about it? It literally just comes up in casual conversation between the two of them and they just have fun talking about things they like. It was so fucking cute and it made the movie that much better.

GAYNESS RANK: This movie is REALLY REALLY... APPEALING to gay people, even though it’s not really gay itself. The phantom thief, the spy outfits, all the girls riding motorcycles, the leather, the cool spy equipment... It just felt like it would appeal to a lot of gay people (and it did, cause we fuckin liked it). This movie is good. Please watch it and don’t let its low ranking on other lists dissuade you. We are right and they are wrong.

2. THE BARBIE DIARIES (2006)

Before yall say anything, we know that this movie is fucking ugly. We clowned on some of the other movies for being ugly but this one truly takes the ugly cake.

HOWEVER, that did not prevent this movie from being good. We fucking loved it.

FIRST OF ALL, Barbie is in high school???? Which was so fresh to see???? There’s no magic, no princesses. It’s literally just a down-to-Earth teen drama movie involving Barbie, her friends, a love interest, and some mean girls.

This had a really interesting plot that was actually kind of... complicated???? Dare I say??? We’re not stupid. There was just so much going on involving couples breaking up and getting back together, Barbie changing her motivations, how her friends react to what she’s doing, just... so much.

The only real criticism we have of this one is that the apology in this one was pretty rushed and didn’t feel Barbie’s friends should have forgiven her so easily for the shit she did. Other than that, though, this was a pretty great teen drama that I would highly recommend. I would definitely watch this one again, regardless of how ugly it is.

GAYNESS RANK: Barbie had a clear love interest with a guy that was super sweet (sorry we didn’t mention him but he’s one of the better love interests, love u Kev) but mean girl teen drama is always a little gay? Plus how she would go back and forth between social circles was interesting. Also her and her friends are in a band, which is always cool and appealing to the gays, at least.

1. BARBIE STARLIGHT ADVENTURE (2016)

We did it. We made it to the end. If there’s even one person who read this at all I would thank you but... you’ve lost along with us. BUT AT LEAST WE GET TO TELL YOU ABOUT STARLIGHT ADVENTURE. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie came out NOWHERE and fucking PUNCHED US IN THE FACE. When the wheel picked this one, we were starting to get burned out, and thought that since this was a newer Barbie movie it wouldn’t be very good. Boy, were we fucking wrong.

This movie is so INTERESTING and HANDS DOWN has the best portrayal of Barbie as a character. This took such an interesting perspective on space travel, sci-fi, a slightly dystopian YA setting... it has so much going on but never feels like too much.

Can we just start with how GORGEOUS this movie looks and how CUTE Barbie’s design is?!

She’s wearing a VEST and PANTS!!!!! FUCK YES.

Anyway, the plot: She lives with her dad on this deserted planet, and she takes care of the animals, while also riding a hoverboard competitively. She’s contacted by some galactic king to join a team and fix the alignment of the stars? (sorry if it’s not exactly right lol its 4am). When accepting, she also meets this girl that she had been competing with at hoverboard competitions, and they develop a really sweet friendship with each other and a few other friends/teammates.

Unlike the other Barbie movies, we kind of understand why everyone else looks up to Barbie as a leader figure. She makes decisions confidently and goes through so much character development. Even the villain goes through a sort of redemption arc, and it’s done fairly well!!! This is so much different from other Barbie movies.

This feels like it could be, like, a legitimate movie that could be played in theaters rather than a straight-to-DVD Barbie movie. The animation in this was GORGEOUS, like miles better than 99% of the other movies. Plus, cute animal sidekick (FINALLY).

We can’t gush about this enough, people should be made aware of this movie. It’s completely worth your time. IT’S ALSO ON NETFLIX.

GAYNESS RANK: This is another one that’s moreso appealing to gay people rather than being gay itself. However, Barbie and the other girl that rides the hoverboard have a few really gay scenes, such as meeting up in a garden late at night and riding around. They giggle and laugh with each other and have a deep conversation about life and shit while staring up at the (gorgeously animated) sky. That def gets some points.

That’s it those are all the 36 Barbie movies ranked based off of nothing but pure............................ hubris? Stupidity? Pride? I don’t know. I’m so sorry. We fucking hated watching most of these.

Except for Starlight Adventure.... You can stay.

#barbie #barbie movies #ranking #tier list #how do i tag this.......#chan shut up #please read this we need validation #i'm so tired its beddy bye bro

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hurricanerin · 5 years

Text

Not Just One of Your Many Toys 1: Don’t Tell Me What to Do

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale/OFC

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: MAJOR SPOILERS, loss of virginity, power imbalance, general dickishness

Summary: Ransom and Olivia have been thorns in each other’s sides for fifteen years. They’ve tolerated one another, coaxed each other through major milestones, and trampled on one another’s hearts. After years spent healing from one of Ransom’s toxic outburst, Olivia finds herself subpoenaed by the Drysdale family as a character witness for his criminal trial. Their son is out of control, and the one person with the best chance of getting through to him wants absolutely nothing to do with the man.

NJOoYMT Masterlist

Add yourself to my taglist.

Steamier things are coming, my friends.

Listen. Or kick it retro. You won’t regret it.)

Boston, 2005

There has never been a moment in my life that I haven’t known exactly who Ransom Drysdale is. We met in the fall of 2005, right after my dad was promoted with General Electric and my family had moved to Boston from Puerto Rico for his new job. I was 13 and Ransom was 19, and I could’ve told you within 5 minutes of enduring his company that he was a playboy and a Grade A narcissist.

My parents and his mom, the legendary Linda Drysdale, had closed on our new house the week before. When my papá had mentioned to our realtor that he had 6 engineer brothers and sisters in PR also looking to move to the Boston area, Linda immediately swooped in and took over the sale. We had moved into the new house for two days when who showed up on our doorstep with a giant Harry and David gift basket on his mother’s behalf? Ransom. I’ve never seen my mom so taken with a man so quickly. It was absolutely nauseating.

My mom and I had been sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with my little brother when Ransom waltzed in, ruining our meal. While he charmed my mom, I shooed Gian from the table, stuffed him into his coat and boots and shoved his toast into his hand.

“You’re gonna miss your bus, vete,” I said with an affectionate push.

He waved me off, but I could see his smile as he scrambled out the door towards his friends. When I turned around, Mamá was on the phone, distractedly scribbling on a notepad at the center island. Ransom had seated himself at our table and was examining the gift basket. After retrieving a pear, he rearranged the treats so it looked as if nothing were missing. Catching my eye, he shot me a grin, took a bite of the fruit and flaunted it in front of me.

“Want some?”

My mom’s groan of frustration cut off my retort as she hung up. Without missing a beat, Ransom hid the pear behind his leg.

Clipping her beeper to the waist of her skirt, she motioned at my backpack. “Ol, you need to get your school stuff and hop in the car, I have to go to the hospital early. I need to drive you; school is on the way. A patient needs to go into surgery now.”

I scowled and put my hands on my hips. “I’m taking the bus with my friends. You said at this school I could!”

Already gathering her coat and keys, she shook her head. “I’m sorry, mija. Not today. Come on, we need to go. I can’t leave you alone at home for that long.”

My nose started to sting. I didn’t want to sit at school alone for an hour and have to explain to my new friends why I wasn’t on the bus like everyone else.

Carefully watching the interaction, Ransom cleared his throat. “Mrs. Santos, I would be happy to stay with her until her bus comes. I’m home on break from Yale for the week and would love nothing more than to get to know your daughter,” he offered, radiating charisma.

“Oh Ransom, I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“Honestly, our house is only a few streets away, so we’re practically neighbors. It would be no problem.”

She hesitated, glancing from Ransom to her watch. Back home, we didn’t have babysitters. Family played that role. I couldn’t imagine leaving her 13 year-old home alone with a strange man was high on her list of things to do in the US.

Ransom read the situation well. “Mrs. Santos, my girlfriend is just at my parents’. Why don’t I give her a call and the three of us can clean up the kitchen until…,” he motioned at me.

“Olivia,” I snipped.

He didn’t flinch. “Until Olivia’s bus comes,” he finished with a smile.

“I suppose… that would be alright,” Mamá agreed. “Your family is so kind!” Sighing in relief, she snagged me for a kiss goodbye and scurried towards the door. “Behave, Ol! I’ll see you at dinner,” she shouted over her shoulder.

I listened to the garage door close and turned to find him thumbing through the Harry and David catalogue while dabbing pear juice from his lips with a napkin. I glared at him for a minute.

“You and your mom are just being nice to my parents because I have a lot of aunts and uncles moving here,” I accused.

He looked up, laughing in surprise. Nodding his head to the side, he shrugged a shoulder, “You’re not wrong. Did they tell you that?”

“No, but I can tell.”

A soft ping sounded and he patted his pockets, pulling out a phone from his jacket. He continued nibbling at the pear until all that was left was the core, then absently dumped it on my abandoned breakfast plate. I walked closer and peered at the screen in his hands while he typed furiously.

“Do you have any games on your phone?” I asked.

“This isn’t a phone, it’s a Blackberry.”

“Do you have any games on your Blackberry? Like Snake? My mom’s phone has Snake.”

“No, it doesn’t have Snake,” he snapped as he pulled a headset from his jacket pocket and plugged it into the headphone jack. Almost immediately it rang and he slipped the earpiece on, pushing me.

“Jackson?” He sighed at me in irritation and turned away. “Yeah, come up this weekend. They’re two Norwegian bitches, semi-professional skiers or something. Super hot. They’re in the US to train but stopping to vacation in New England or whatever.” He ran his finger along the wicker of the gift basket while he listened to his friend respond. With an exasperated sigh, he shook his head. “No, no, we don’t need to take them sailing for them to put out.”

I stared at him, my jaw dropping. I knew it was rude to both stare and eavesdrop, but I had never met anyone who was so blatantly awful.

“They’ll fuck us because I’m crazy rich, bro, don’t worry,” Ransom chuckled. He leaned back against the table and rolled his eyes as his friend prattled on, until his gaze landed on me. His eyes widened.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Jax, I’m not alone. I gotta go.”

He yanked the earpiece off and tossed it on the table, leaning towards me with his elbows on his knees.

I scowled. “You don’t really have a girlfriend who’s coming over.”

“Olivia,” he said with a practiced smile that actually reached his beaming eyes. Ignoring my statement, he took me in for a moment, cataloguing my appearance as his gaze came to rest on my neck.

“That’s such a pretty necklace you’re wearing, did you pick it out yourself?”

My insides tingled a little. I didn’t like-him-like-him or anything, but he did look like a prince and he had complemented the starfish necklace my parents had given me for my birthday last summer. It was my favorite.

“It was a present from my mom and dad, from when I turned 13 last year.”

“Christ,” he muttered under his breath. Something about me being a kid. I didn’t know what that meant, because he made an angry face. But that quickly went away and then his prince face was back.

“That was my friend Jackson on the phone,” he motioned at his Blackberry with his thumb, “We go to college together. We joke around a lot,” he chuckled, rubbing my shoulder. “You do that with your friends, too, right? Tell jokes, mess around?”

Confused and skeptical, I nodded.

“And you don’t always tell those jokes to your parents, because they don’t understand them. You keep them between you and your friends.”

I raised my brow, trying to look formidable. “You don’t want me to tell my mom what you were talking about.”

The friendliness in his expression melted away, the corner of his mouth tugging upwards instead. “Exactly.”

To this day, I wish I could say I stuck up for myself; that I told my mom how much of a jerk he was. How he was a deceptive, womanizing liar who didn’t deserve an ounce of our time. But, I didn’t. Instead, I stooped to Ransom’s level.

My family had money; my mom was a physician and my dad a senior engineer for GE. We lived very comfortably. We had spent several months in the US in an apartment before finding the house, during which they had been earning American salaries and making more than ever. But, both of my parents came from humble means, sent a lot of money back home to their own parents and grandparents, and did not appreciate the materialism I faced every day at the private school they sent me to.

And Ransom had… a lot of money. He had made that clear over the phone. I’m not proud to admit that I requested the Tiffany heart tag bracelet I had seen other girls wearing at school in exchange for my silence. I’m even less proud that, after scoffing at my proposal, Ransom walked me right past the Tiffany & Co. on Newbury Street and in to Cartier and had me pick out a bracelet there instead. He said he hadn’t bought Tiffany for a girl since he was my age and that he wasn’t lowering himself. I still have the bracelet buried in my jewelry box, though I never put it on. Considering its origins, it feels dirty to wear, but I can’t bear to part with it.

Boston, 2007

In 2007, we found out my dad had a mistress. He had paid for her to move over from PR and had been supporting her in Boston for two years. That would’ve flown in PR, but in the US, my mom’s friends wouldn’t stand for it. (Especially the female divorce lawyer next door.) That was more or less the end of my dad’s presence in my life. There’s a chance he might walk me down the aisle one day, but that’s only if Mamá insists on a super Catholic wedding.

My dad leaving didn’t affect me like it did my mom and Gian. I had my friends and tennis, but Gian was younger and quieter; he and my dad spent a lot of time with little robot projects and those LEGO sets and I could tell he missed him. Mamá was lonely at home, too; she and my dad had been together since high school. She had spent a lot of time taking care of him, despite her working 60 hour weeks.

A few of my dad’s sisters hung around as moral support, but Papá eventually pressured them until they stopped coming to see us. However, there was an additional isolated party within our vicinity who also needed a group of humans to latch onto; someone with the capacity to fill the role of both quasi-paternal figure (figure, not role model), and platonic spouse.

I’d seen Ransom with Mrs. Drysdale; at best, she spoiled her son. At worst, she placated him with money, demeaned and dismissed him. Even I didn’t appreciate how she treated him and most days I didn’t like him. After graduating last in his class from Yale, Ransom took the year off to get away from her. Not a normal “take the year off” where you travel to learn about yourself, or work, or anything like that. Instead, Ransom bought property in the Maldives and imported $500,000 worth of Dom Perignon—the Rose Gold kind—, and flew in ballerinas from Moscow while telling his mom he was joining the Peace Corps for a girl. When there was fraud on his black AmEx and he had to phone home for help, there was hell to pay when the call came from not Mongolia. Linda cut him off and kicked him out.

For six months, but still. This was Ransom.

My mother, bless her heart, would have absorbed all children needing a home if she could. And, though he was 21, Ransom definitely qualified as such a child. I honestly think Ransom needed the mothering, too. Growing up with a nanny paid to give you care is not a replication of a mother’s love, which he never had in the first place.

Ransom always showered Mamá with attention, asking how she was with utter sincerity while maintaining direct eye contact, thanking her for the work she did as a cardiac surgeon, and other general sycophantic niceties. I was terrified that would change for the worst after he moved in, despite their generous age gap. A freshly divorced woman could’ve been new prey for him. It wasn’t that she didn’t know who and what he was—she was under no illusions. But she had a soft spot for the broken bad boy with mommy issues and indulged him.

I watched him like a hawk when he was around her, but he never made a move. He certainly let her wait on him; she cooked him food from scratch and listened to him talk while she cleaned up the kitchen, but he was never salacious. I still give him props for that. It would have been an entertaining game for him, one he would’ve easily won.

It helped that he was gone half the time. He still had his car, keys to the Hamptons house and access to his friends’ jets and properties. I’m pretty sure Richard was also slipping him $50k a month because Ransom rebuilt his wardrobe pretty quickly.

I will admit I was slightly… antagonistic towards him during the beginning of his time with us. I may have picked a few fights. He wanted to watch Sin City because of Jessica Alba; I wanted to watch the Corpse Bride. He left questionable-looking hair trimmings in the shower drain and you can bet I was pounding on his door. He gave me that look when I thought I had dressed nicely, and I may or may not have launched myself at him. But, near the middle of his stay, we learned to co-exist, and even had some decent conversations. I chilled out when I saw how he was with Gian.

I’m not sure Mamá ever officially asked Ransom to step up while he was living with us, I think the only conditions she had was that he tip the cleaning people an extra $150 for how bad his room was, not have his douchey friends over past 10pm, and no sleepovers with the opposite sex. But, it was obvious to everyone under our roof that Gian looked to Ransom for companionship. And, to my utter surprise, Ransom kind of delivered. He took Gian to the U.S. Open and up to Lake Champlain to golf a few times, and they’d hang out at the house when Ransom was home.

Then, one day I heard him call Gian his charity project to his friends as they sat out on the porch. The second he came inside I punched him in the arm over that. The weirdest part about Ransom and his awful behavior is that he only kinds of means it. I mean, the idea was there, he had had the thought that Gian was less fortunate than him and needed his help. But I also know he genuinely loved my little brother and was making spending time with him out to be a bigger deal than it really was.

Six months to the day, Ransom had a moving company at our doorstep at 8am sharp. He only had a few hanging wardrobes worth of clothes to move into his new apartment; all of the furniture was being delivered by the dealer, but the man couldn’t lower himself to drive his own U-Haul. By that time, I had developed an appreciation for Ransom. It was kind of nice to have someone older to talk to, even though he had no conception of what real life was like. He was okay. I didn’t miss sharing a dwelling space with him, but I did kind of miss him.

Boston, Fall 2009

That fall, I was 18 and a senior at the Winsor School and Ransom was 25 and bullshitting his way through his Master’s of Science in Business Analytics at Princeton. I preferred not to ask questions regarding his attendance or grades. I figured the less I knew, the less I could be implicated in some scandal involving the university and bribery.

High school wasn’t a great time in my life. The kids at Winsor were spoiled and came from generations of overachievers. You could say there were a lot of Ransoms, I suppose; self-serving, arrogant, brutal, conceited, rich kids. I’m not saying I didn’t share some of those traits, I knew I was fortunate, but I liked to think I was a decent person. As a result, I was relatively lonely. I had the varsity tennis team, and that fit my basic need for socialization. But not once did I ever entertain the thought of a boyfriend.

As the years progressed, I waited for the mutual attraction for my peers to arrive. It never did. At that age, even if boys had adopted the air of sophistication they had seen modeled at home and had the ability to charm, they severely lacked in a different department, like intelligence or maturity. I shut down every advance without a second thought and didn’t look back.

Until, that is, my Senior year. As leaving home was becoming a reality, I decided I didn’t want to go to college a virgin. I just didn’t. Things happen in college, things you don’t always have control over, and I liked control. I liked control very much. And I wanted to have control over when and how I gave it up. And I wasn’t giving it up to some 18 year old I had dated for a three months who couldn’t kiss and also didn’t have the experience to help me enjoy the process.

But I knew someone who did.

I smirked as a key sounded in the lock, Ransom had never given his back from a few years ago.

“Ol?” his voice echoed up the stairs.

“In the kitchen!”

The old stairs creaked as he ascended, heading straight for the refrigerator without even looking at me.

“Hey,” he nodded in greeting.

“Hey.” For the first time in my life, I was nervous talking to him. I’d texted him, asking if he could stop by, which wasn’t out of character. He usually popped in at least once a month to return a book, pick up a sweater he forgot that my mom had washed or have dinner with us. He lingered, even after moving out. The flight from Princeton to Boston was only an hour, and it meant a lot to Gian, to all of us, really, that Ransom still visited.

While Ransom dug through the fridge, pulling out some leftover chorizo, I set about throwing together some protein smoothies for us. He had left a container of ridiculously expensive something something collagen protein at our house the last time he was there and it was expiring soon, so I split the remainder between us. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fuss with the microwave.

I raised a brow. “You know how to use kitchen appliances?”

He took an exaggerated bite of a sausage slice. “Selectively,” he winked.

I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. Ransom’s “selective” helplessness didn’t need encouragement.

I think what we worked in was companionable silence, but I’m not positive. I was pretty geared up, so it was hard to tell. Settling at the table, I laid plates out for both of us, chewing my lip.

“I have a favor to ask.”

“I can’t get you into Yale early decision, but I can get you in,” he said as he reached for his smoothie.

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already gotten into Brown on my own, which was my first choice, thank you. What I need is… different.”

“What is it? I’ve got cash with me.”

“Ransom! Listen to me. Just let me ask my question.”

“Okay!” he chuckled, his eyes gleaming as he swirled his glass.

“Okay,” I repeated, my heart pounding in my chest. I made myself look him in the eye. All of a sudden I wanted to cry? What if he said no? What if he laughed? What if he never talked to me again?

“Ol, you’re getting pale. You look like you’re about to ask me to skin a cat.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled, seconds away from losing my nerve. I inhaled deeply, folding my hands on the table in front of me and sitting up straight.

“Ransom,” I began.

“Olivia,” he countered, his face comically serious.

“I want you to take my virginity. Now that I’m 18—.”

“Hah—You what? No you don’t, Olivia, you don’t—.”

“I do.”

“Ehhhh,” he made a pained face and shook his head. “I mean, what do you mean by virginy? What have you done before?”

“Nothing.”

“But you’ve given head though, right?”

I tried to mask my embarrassment with a look of disdain.

When Ransom gaped in surprise, I kicked him under the table.

“A handjob?”

“I said nothing,” I bit out.

The corner of his mouth pulled upward and he tilted his head, his eyes narrowing. “What about like… getting off with each other?”

I shook my head.

“Sexting?”

“There’s no one I want to sext.”

He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“But like…”

“I’ve never touched or been touched, Ransom. I’ve never seen a man naked, okay?”

He sighed. “I don’t do virgins. It’s a personal policy. Especially someone like you who has absolutely no experience.”

That stung, but I kept trying. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No—.”

“Are you dating anyone?”

“Ol, I don’t date—.”

“Ransom, this is exactly the type of arrangement you want!” I hissed.

“This should be something you do with a boyfriend, someone your age who you care about and who cares about you.”

I groaned and stormed into the living room, plopping into an easy chair.

“I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m going to Brown in the fall, so dating someone now would be pointless. And in Providence, between Chi Omega, studying, volunteering, and AMSA, I just won’t have time for a relationship.”

Ransom couldn’t suppress a laugh as he tailed after me. “You’re as heartless as I am.”

“I’m not heartless,” I argued. “I’m practical.”

He gave me a patronizing smile. “You’ve never done this before, you don’t know how you’ll feel afterwards. It’s sex. Girls get attached. I just can’t do that, babe.”

"You can! Ransom, you can. I won’t get attached. I’ll leave you alone after. I won’t text you for a month. Please? I—,” my cheeks flamed as I looked down at my hands. Bickering and bantering with Ransom was easy. Acting like I disliked him was easy. But being vulnerable with him? That was terrifying. “I want it to be you,” I whispered. “I don’t trust anyone else.”

With a sigh, he perched on the arm of my chair.

“I’m going back to Princeton on Sunday. Even if we did it tonight, we wouldn’t have 48 hours together.”

“I don’t care!” I slapped the seat of the chair. “What if—what if I get roofied and lose it to some guy and don’t even remember it? Or—or someone, you know… one in every four women faces sexual assault in college…”

That perpetual, devious gleam in Ransom’s eyes disappeared. Something brutal and vicious replaced it.

“I’d kill him. I’d kill anyone who touched you like that.”

My chest tightened. I’d never seen him that serious before, not even when he argued with his mom. It was a little terrifying. But, I had carried pepper spray on me for years since moving to the city and I already knew my parents were sending me to college with a SipChip, not that I’d be going to parties anyway. I tried another angle.

“I know I’m not the girls you normally sleep with—blonde, white, with yachts and horses and trust funds—

Darkness cast over his face.

“Olivia,” he interrupted. Brow creasing, Ransom lifted his hand near my face, then hesitated. With a growl, he cupped my jaw. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured, brushing the knuckle of the opposite hand against my cheek. “And trust funds are so mundane.”

I rose from the chair and leaned against his leg. “Then why don’t you want me?” It took everything in me to keep my voice from breaking.

Ransom shifted uneasily, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Ol, I’ve known you since you were a kid. I can’t—I just don’t see you that way.”

“You still see me as a child?”

“I guess, yeah.”

Butterflies flapped madly in my belly, but I held my breath and stepped forward between his legs until our chests were pressed together, trapping my hand between us at his groin. Praying that I applied what I had read correctly, I timidly felt for his cock. He grunted when I wrapped my hand around the outline of its shape and followed it with a shy stroke.

“I am not a child,” I husked in my best seductress voice.

“You said you’d never touched or been touched,” he accused through clenched teeth.

Both proud and embarrassed, I ducked my head. “I don’t like entering a situation unprepared. I read a lot and watched some videos.” Realizing the implications of my statement, I turned beet red. “For research, I mean!”

That earned me a genuine smile. Sliding one hand around my waist he pulled me closer, then used the other to firmly guide my palm over his half erect cock, rubbing it back and forth. I blushed as I felt him harden under my fingers.

“What else did you research?”

"Stuff,” I mumbled.

Rubbing his thumb along my hipbone, his gaze fell to his lap, watching my hand work over his erection. Then his eyes deviated to my front, trailing up my belly to my chest, which was, admittedly, heaving, and slowly made their way to my face. Looking someone in the eye had never made me clench down there before. It was unexpected, but not unappreciated.

I could see Ransom thinking, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine as he reasoned with himself.

“You need to think this over, you need to really consider what you’re asking me and decide that’s what you want,” he murmured, his voice rough.

My pussy throbbed at the sound, and it took extra concentration not to let my eyes close.

“When have I ever made a rash decision about something this important? I started thinking about this a year ago.”

He exhaled a laugh, shaking his head. “Of course you did.”

When his hips gave an involuntary thrust against my palm, he gently pulled my wrist away.

“That’s enough for now.”

Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. “Did I do it wrong? Is that a no?”

He massaged his closed eyelids with his index finger and thumb, exhaling shakily. “It should be a no. A good man would say no.”

Drawing me against him once more, I whimpered as he ground his cock against my belly. “But I’ve never been a good man, have I, Olivia?”

He didn’t give me an opportunity to respond. The kiss was firm, but delicate. No tongues or biting or slipping or sliding, just lips pressed together, gently massaging. When he sucked at my lower lip I surprised both of us with a soft moan, causing him to bury his hand in my hair and tilt my head for better access.

I completely lost track of everything, because the next moment of consciousness I had was gasping for air as he pulled away. My fingers were tangled in his hair, my hand clutching his sweater like it was a lifeline, and his thigh was situated between both of mine, applying pressure to my clit that was making me see stars. Now my mouth was wet, but I didn’t care.

Once I could see straight, I dove for his mouth again, but he stopped me with an unyielding grip on my chin.

“Change,” he rumbled. “We’ll go to dinner at Menton, I’ll pull some strings and get us a table. Then back to my apartment.”

I squinted, still reeling from the kiss. “We’re not going to Menton first, that makes it sound like a date. This isn’t a date, we have one mission to accompli—.”

He gaze grew cold. “If we do this, we’re doing it my way. You’re going to listen to me. I’m in charge.”

My eyes flicked back and forth between his as my entire face and neck glowed pink.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Say ‘Yes, sir,’” he corrected me.

“Yes, sir,” I repeated softly.

The pleased smile that spread across his lips gave me a warm feeling in my belly.

“Tonight, I’m going to destroy your pussy,” he whispered against my ear, sucking at my lobe, “I’m going to make you come like a whore.” Moving to my other side, he spoke softly again, his warm breath against my cheek making me shiver. “Your future husband will resent me for the rest of your lives, because I’m going to ruin you for any other man.” Nuzzling my nose with the tip of his, he kissed the corner of my mouth. “And you’re going to love it.”

I couldn’t help myself. I was throbbing, there was pressure building in my belly and the man had barely laid a hand on me. With a high pitched whimper, I sought his mouth again, but he wrapped his huge hand around my throat and shook his head as he held me back.

“Go. Pick out something nice to wear. Something you feel pretty in.”

Mouth dry, I nodded. He caught my arm as I went to leave.

“And Olivia? Not a scrap of clothing underneath.”

#ransom thrombey x you #ransom drysdale x reader #ransom drysdale x ofc #ransom drysdale smut #ransom thrombey smut #ransom smut #ransom x ofc #ransom drysdale #knives out #smut #fanfic #fanfiction #knives out spoilers #oh my god it's happening #mcudarklibrarykinkmonth

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f1chronicle · 4 years

Text

The Lewis Hamilton Fallacy

With Lewis Hamilton setting a new FORMULA 1 win record, and closing in on a record-equalling seventh World Championship, the vitriol on social media has been increasing, causing many to no longer wish to participate in Facebook groups that tolerate driver-bashing and hatred.

So how did we get to this point?

There are many factors at play here such as most drivers having a big presence across social media, but a key premise is we all have a different model of the world.

How you see things is completely different to how I see things, and generally speaking, this is a good thing for society as we can all bring our different points of view to a scenario and find a way forward.

Sadly this is not the case in the comments of nearly every F1 group on Facebook, where people are adamant that their point of view is right, yours is wrong, and you’re an idiot for thinking the way you do.

Let’s take a look at some of the common arguments in F1 groups, and see if they hold water…

Driver X Is The GOAT!

The GOAT argument isn’t specific to the world of F1, just look at the NBA, where LeBron James fourth NBA title stirred great debate as to whether or not he takes the mantle from Michael Jordan.

In F1 we have Lewis Hamilton vs Michael Schumacher, 93 race wins vs 91, six championships vs seven.

So how do we work out who the GOAT is?

Well, we can’t.

And even when F1 and AWS put out their ‘Fastest Driver’ analysis it still didn’t appease people if their guy wasn’t deemed the fastest.

Different drivers, different competition, different cars, the list goes on.

What we can have though is our favourite, and our own criteria for choosing a GOAT.

Personally, I didn’t much enjoy the years where Schumacher and Ferrari dominated. However, he has the most titles so to me he is still the greatest.

Some say the best of all time is Jim Clark, some say Fangio, some say Ayrton Senna. But unless they have seen them race, how can they compare?

Because if they’re using statistics, well the numbers don’t add up.

If they’re using stories and YouTube clips, then they’re comparing some drivers highlight reels against other drivers careers.

The passing of time plays an interesting trick on the mind, where we often forget the flaws, the disappointments, and the losses, remembering only the triumphs and victories.

And that’s ok.

You can have your GOAT, I can have mine, and neither of us can (or should) try to convince others that their GOAT is wrong.

Lewis Hamilton Has The Fastest Car (Or Best Car)

This one is odd, as I’m yet to see a car that wasn’t the fastest win a race.

When Pierre Gasly won the 2020 Italian Grand Prix, on that day, his car was the fastest.

Maybe there is something in the air in Italy, as in 2008 Sebastian Vettel won in a Toro Rosso to claim his first win in F1. Funnily enough, on that day, his car was the fastest.

You wouldn’t think you’d need to explain how motorsport works, but what happens is the driver who crosses the line first, ie completes the race distance the fastest, wins. It’s that simple.

These ‘fastest car’ or ‘best car’ arguments add to the Lewis Hamilton Fallacy.

Formula 1 is a meritocracy, and as such, the best drivers usually find themselves into the cockpit of the best car.

From 2010 to 2013, it was widely acknowledged that Red Bull Racing were producing the best cars, as they powered Sebastien Vettel to four consecutive World Championships.

Today though, people are rewriting history as they claim Hamilton has ‘always’ benefitted from being in the best car.

So which one is it?

Because clearly it can’t be both.

The Good Old Days Were Better

This one is always fun, and is something that likely happens to all of us as we get older!

I’ve found myself opining that the English Premier League was better in the 90s and 2000s than it is now for example.

Often, the ‘good old days’ coincide with a time in history where our favourite teams and stars were winning. Funny about that.

Have you ever met a Ferrari fan who thinks the current era is better than the 2000-2004 period?

No, you haven’t.

However, where this one gets really interesting is when people argue that the drivers no longer drive the cars, and that everything is controlled by engineers sitting on a pit wall.

The problem with this is the Williams FW14B, built in 1992, is still considered the most technologically sophisticated car in the history of F1.

It’s 28 years old.

The FW14B had semi-automatic transmission, active suspension, traction control and, for a short time, anti-lock brakes.

It also had Adrian Newey in charge of aerodynamics.

In fact, Williams found the FW14B was proving so successful that when the FW15 was ready half-way through the 1992 FORMULA 1 season, it wasn’t used.

The argument (often made by people who reach their limit reversing out the driveway) that Hamilton turns up on a Sunday, plants his foot on the accelerator, and drives into the distance is disrespectful of the amount of work he puts in to keep his body and mind at peak performance, as well as the staff at Mercedes who put in countless hours perfecting the car.

Mercedes Should Get Max Verstappen, He Would Beat Hamilton

This would be a terrible idea for Mercedes, so it’s a good thing they don’t listen to public opinion on social media.

First of all, it sends a message to drivers in their development program that even if you progress through the program the seat will go to the big-name with more runs on the board.

Second, do you recall the Senna v Prost years?

Sure, Ron Dennis had two prodigious talents at his disposal, but the infighting, egos, and crashes out on course disrupted team harmony, causing factions in the garage and distrust at all levels.

Mercedes currently have the perfect set up, and it’s obviously working, as they pick up championship after championship.

As we’ve seen throughout history, having a genuine #1 and an able deputy leads to both Driver’s and Constructor’s Championships.

During the aforementioned ‘Schumacher Years’ of 2000 to 2004, he was the undisputed #1 and teammate Rubens Barrichello understood his role and performed it admirably.

Lewis Hamilton Doesn’t Have Competitive Teammates

Former Formula 1 World Champions Fernando Alonso, Jenson Button, and Nico Rosberg would probably all argue that they are competitive drivers, capable of going wheel to wheel with Hamilton.

And they would be right, because they have the race wins and championships to prove their credentials.

When Hamilton joined the grid in 2007 as a teammate to Fernando Alonso, the belief throughout the paddock was that Alonso was #1 and Hamilton would be there to learn the ropes in F1.

In reality, it didn’t work out like that.

As Hamilton performed well, taking podiums and race wins, tensions mounted, and boiled over at the 2007 Hungarian Grand Prix, where in the final qualifying session Alonso deliberately delayed Hamilton in the pits, ensuring he wouldn’t be able to get in one last run.

The pair didn’t speak for weeks after the incident.

At the end of the season, both drivers secured four race wins and 12 podiums. Clearly they were allowed to race each other, there were no team orders.

Funnily, after tensions thawed, in 2017 Alonso said “[Hamilton] was able to win with a dominant car, with a good car like 2010 or 2012, or with bad cars like 2009 and 2011. Not all the champions can say that”.

Is Alonso suggesting Hamilton hasn’t always had the best car?

Facebook commenters would disagree with the two-time World Champion…

In Jenson Button’s book ‘Life to the Limit’ Button goes into detail how competitive Hamilton was, and makes it clear that he too was there to win, not just to act as a rear-gunner for Hamilton. An interesting fact Button points out in this same book is that when Rubens Barrichello was his teammate at Honda, Barrichello had it written into his contract that they were equal drivers, he was not to be a #2…

When Hamilton moved to Mercedes for 2013, a move derided by many given Mercedes lacklustre performance in previous years, it was Nico Rosberg’s team.

There is evidence that team orders were used on at least one occasion in 2013, where at the 2013 Malaysian Grand Prix Rosberg was ordered to stay behind Hamilton in the closing stages, rather than fighting for third place. Hamilton felt the call was wrong, and that Rosberg should have been allowed to race.

During the 2014 Formula 1 season tensions again boiled over for Hamilton and a teammate, as several early exchanges throughout the season threatened to compromise both drivers title aspirations.

The pair had a wheel-to-wheel battle in Bahrain, a down-to-the-wire tussle in Spain, and made contact in Belgium.

In 2016, the year Rosberg won the championship, the two came together at the 2016 Spanish Grand Prix, in a move that infuriated Niki Lauda, as both drivers crashed out of the race.

The duo came together again at the 2016 Austrian Grand Prix, however both drivers could continue, with Hamilton taking the win.

Nice Rosberg went on to win the 2016 Driver’s Championship, which gives Hamilton detractors a curious dilemma.

On one hand they laugh, saying he was beaten by Nico Rosberg, yet on the other, they say he has never had to race against competitive teammates.

So, which one is it?

Lewis Hamilton Needs To Prove He Can Win With Another Team

This one always brings a smile to the face 😊

I have no problem with fans being new to F1, it’s great! The sport needs more and more fans to keep it going.

The issue is people forgetting that the sport was going before they saw it on Drive to Survive, then commenting on Facebook posts.

For the record, Lewis Hamilton won the 2008 Driver’s Championship with McLaren.

Although they had a Mercedes engine at the time, they were indeed their own team then, as they are now.

And that is a different team to Mercedes.

Hamilton has won championships with two teams.

Before the 2008 season Felipe Massa of Ferrari was the favourite to win the title, and Ferrari did indeed win the Constructor’s Championship, however, in a thrilling finish to the season Hamilton won the title by one point.

His teammate Heikki Kovalainen finished seventh.

But wait, doesn’t the best car always win the Driver’s Championship too?

Well now I don’t know what to believe.

Put Lewis Hamilton In A Williams, Let’s See How He Goes

If Hamilton was to drive for Williams, we already know how it would go – terribly.

Why?

Because it is a poor car that has suffered at the hands of bad management and a lack of finances for several seasons now.

Fernando Alonso drove a horrible McLaren from 2015 to 2017.

Jenson Button and Rubens Barrichello had a terrible Honda to drive in 2007 and 2008, and not just because it had a map of the world painted on it. The aerodynamics were poor from the start, and the car just wasn’t competitive.

Does this diminish any of these drivers achievements before or after?

Does it prove their car is what won them races?

No, what it does prove is that Formula 1 is a team sport, and that it takes everyone rowing in the right direction together to deliver a package capable of competing at the front.

If Lionel Messi signed for Newcastle they still wouldn’t win the league. Likewise if Lebron James joined the Knicks, they wouldn’t win an NBA title. The teams they would join are still terrible, but having a champion on the team would improve them and make everyone life their standards over time.

Hamilton wouldn’t win in a Williams, just like Raikkonen can’t win in an Alfa and Vettel can’t get near a podium in a Ferrari this year.

However, the one thing all these drivers have in common is the ability to wring every ounce of performance out of a bad car, and Williams would expect nothing less if they had Hamilton in their race seat.

Politics Don’t Belong in Sport

As a middle-aged white man, this one makes me cringe the most.

Middle aged white men on Facebook, telling a black man what he should and shouldn’t do, how he can protest, and how he is ‘ruining’ the sport for them.

Yikes.

The purpose of a protest is to bring issues to light, to have people questioning their attitudes and beliefs.

Telling someone how they can protest against their perceived suppression is, er, suppressing them further.

You may not agree with ‘We Race As One‘, the BLM movement or drivers taking a knee before the race, but that’s the point. An issue being highlighted is an opportunity for you to question your thinking, to reflect, and possibly make changes. There is no harm in admitting that at one time you held beliefs that you now feel are wrong.

While we’re on the topic of politics in sports and how the handful of minutes it takes to show drivers supporting the ‘End Racism’ message ruining peoples enjoyment of Formula 1, what of other sports?

The ‘Old Firm’ derby is one of the biggest rivalries in sport, and it is founded on religion and politics. People are born into a side based on which side of the clearly divisive line they fall, Catholic vs Protestant, British vs Irish Scot, Conservatism vs Socialism. People have been killed on derby days, and violence in Glasgow increases any time the two clubs play.

Politics don’t belong in sport though, so they must be fighting over something else.

In 1967 Muhammed Ali refused to serve in the US Army during the Vietnam War, uttering the famous line ‘I ain’t got no quarrel with those Vietcong…no Vietcong ever called me nigger.’ Since then he has, rightfully, been lauded as a hero for his stance.

The Vietnam War probably wasn’t political though, was it?

Even the sport of Bandy isn’t immune to politics!

Norway declined to take part in the 1957 Bandy World Championship because the Soviet Union was invited, due to the Soviet invasion of Hungary the year before. The country made a similar protest for the 1969 Bandy World Championship because of the Warsaw Pact invasion of Czechoslovakia that year, handing over the hosting of the 1969 event to Sweden.

Indeed Formula 1 itself is no stranger to politics in sport, with the 2011 Bahrain Grand Prix cancelled due to concerns over human rights protests led by Avaaz.

You may not agree with the stance Hamilton has taken, you may not like it, but you do have to respect that in a free society he can use his platform however he sees fit – he built it.

What To Make Of The Lewis Hamilton Fallacy

Now I’m not naïve enough to think that the words on this page will make everyone stop arguing on the internet, that will never happen.

What I do hope though is that it has loosened the grip for some people, and will help them take the blinkers off.

We’re lucky enough to be living in a time where each Sunday, one of the finest Formula 1 drivers the world has ever seen jumps into his Mercedes and puts his life on the line to win trophies, and entertain us.

I’m lucky enough to have seen this level of performance twice, once with Michael Schumacher, now with Lewis Hamilton.

Should I live long enough to see Hamilton’s records beaten, I won’t waste time arguing over who is the GOAT, who had the best car, or why this bright new talent needs to jump through made up hoops to prove themselves to the folks in the bleachers.

I’ll simply be grateful to have witnessed three drivers at the absolute peak of their powers, doing what they love.

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#Formula 1 news

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rushingheadlong · 4 years

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A review of Queen: The Early Years

Well I have finally finished reading Queen: The Early Years, and now that I have read all 198 pages of this book I feel very confident in saying:

Yall I don’t think this is a good book. Like I really, really do not think this is a good book.

I’ve talked about some of this once or twice before, but I wanted to get all my thoughts about this in one place so, here we go. Brace yourselves, this is going to get wordy (as all my posts invariably do).

The Sources (or lack thereof)

The author wrote this book based on interviews with “over 60 friends and colleagues” of the band. Contrary to an earlier post of mine, he does provide a full list of the people he spoke with, however a lot of these connections are... dubious at best.

He does interview former band members of the groups they were each with before Queen, which might be the only good bits of this book. But a lot of the people he talked to fall under “friends of friends” or “casual acquaintances” or “knew them for a few months decades ago” and not really people who had deep insights into Queen as people, which is fine but he’s presenting their information as if they did.

He also doesn’t give any qualifiers for the information presented - and unless it’s a direct quote from someone, he doesn’t even tell you where he’s getting 90% of the “facts” in his book from. There are no in-text citations, apart from those sporadic quotes, and no bibliography list anywhere in this book.

Instead, he just presents everything he’s writing as the absolute truth with next to nothing to back up what he’s saying, apart from cherry-picked quotes from people who have their own biases in these conversations to begin with. He writes about how many of these people fell out of touch with Queen for 30+ years, and there are several moments during reading where I was wondering whether these stories that were being quoted were true or if it’s the sort of thing that these people made up for the purpose of getting their name in print (especially stories about Freddie).

In the interest of fairness, he does admit in the two-page epilogue that he knows the people he talks to will have their own slant to their stories but he claims that all biographies are “a random assembly of thoughts and recollections” as if to absolve himself of the work of verifying anything being told to him, or at least putting in the effort to let the reader know that things cannot be verified rather than simply presenting everything as pure objective fact.

Authorial Bias and Band Portrayal

The author very much comes across as writing about the band to fit his preconceived ideas of who they are. There are definitely points in the book where he presents images of the band that almost seem like caricatures - Freddie made out to be the deeply self-loathing gay who everyone knew wasn’t actually straight, Brian to be the aloof controlling perfectionist - with little to no nuance given to their actions or stories.

But there are also a lot of moments when it seems like the author doesn’t like the band at all and that he’s writing this book in an attempt to tarnish their image?

Like I wrote in one of my earlier posts, he literally says that Freddie and Brian had the power in the band and that Roger and John had “token” roles. He also implies that Queen only started attributing songwriting credit to the band as a whole beginning with The Miracle to prevent singles royalties from going to Freddie’s estate when he died. The author also often feels the need to put the blame for failed friendships solely on the band, and on several occasions implies that they “betrayed” the people who helped them out in their early career.

Because of this, and because he conveniently doesn’t provide sources for anything he says, it makes me call into question basically everything he writes in this book. Are these stories and facts all accurate, or is he spinning the truth to fit the story he wants to tell?

It’s worth noting also that he apparently asked Brian, Roger, and John for their input, and they and all their official representatives declined. It’s always a red flag for me when someone writes about Queen without the band’s involvement, but the author presents this situation as if he had been deeply wronged by this and implies that any bias in the book was because he didn’t have “their” side of the story - and not because he simply failed to do any work to validate what 60+ strangers were telling him.

I also want to give a warning that how he writes about Freddie’s sexuality is painful in a lot of places. It’s a combination of ideas that don’t hold up well in the 25 years since publication (for example, he says in one place that since Freddie went to an all-boys boarding school it was obvious that he would end up being queer) as well as loose anecdotes shared by people who didn’t know him well, but all felt that they had to give input about his sexuality.

It feels like every time this author interviewed someone about Freddie, he felt obligated to include their “opinion” on whether it was obvious that Freddie was gay in the early 70s or not. It’s a heavy and strange focus that gets really uncomfortable to read about after a while, and one that I don’t think is really appropriate to have been included to the degree that it was.

Misinformation

The author flat-out puts wrong information into this book. I will admit that most of what I picked up on during my read is trivial, but it’s the sort of trivial that makes me question his authority to write anything accurately and also (I believe) has led to misinformation being spread in other Queen writings.

He says that Brian’s parents could have afforded to buy him a guitar, and that the building of the Red Special was essentially an act of ego. This is directly contrary to everything that Brian has ever said on the topic, which is that his family was too poor to afford to buy him a guitar and that the Red Special was built out of an act of necessity. (This also ties into the author’s biased writing of Brian as a controlling perfectionist.)

He gives incorrect dates for concerts and tour information, as can be proven by other first-hand sources like ticket stubs and tour posters. (For example, he says that Queen played six shows in New York’s Uris Theatre in 1974, when we know they only played five.) Again, this is a minor thing but if he’s getting details like this wrong why should I trust his broader stories or conclusions that have no other verifying sources to be correct?

I also think his book is the origination for the story about Brian getting gangrene due to a dirty vaccine needle in 1974. I have a problem with this claim in that I don’t think it’s actually true, but this book is now the earliest source of the story that I’ve seen by over a decade. However since the author doesn’t cite anything in this book, I have no idea how he found this information (or whether he made it up himself).

I also suspect that this is the book that Mick Rock copied information from when compiling the timeline in his book Classic Queen, which was published 12 years later in 2007. Mick Rock not only copies the gangrene story (again, with no further information or citations given) but also includes a very specific reference to Brian complaining about not feeling well while on tour on April 21st, 1974 - a date which is also specifically referenced in The Early Years, again without any citation for where this information came from.

No one takes Mick Rock seriously as a good source for Queen information (beyond info about the photo sessions themselves, which is about the only thing within his scope of expertise). Now it seems like he might have copied those “facts” from this book, which means we might very well have a situation of one questionable book being copied by another until misinformation and lies get assumed to be true just because they’re in more than one place now, never mind that none of this is getting backed up by anything concrete.

Tiny details because I’m big mad about this book just in general

Maybe this is just my copy (which is a physical book, not a digital copy) but there are a lot of typos in this book. Mike Grose becomes Mike Crouse from one paragraph to the next. Words are misspelled, punctuation is missing... It’s a little jarring to see in a book that was actually physically printed up, and makes me wonder if this went through any sort of editing process whatsoever.

Conclusions, or something of the sort?

I need to admit here that I am very angry about this book, because particularly in the later chapters I think the author starts speculating about band dynamics and things from later in their career in a way that is entirely wrong and inappropriate.

However, for the most part, I did enjoy the first part of this book. Roger’s and John’s early chapters seemed to be fine (and from what I’ve been told, the information in Roger’s chapters is backed up in other, better researched, sources). The book started falling apart for me around Brian’s and Freddie’s chapters, though, and as it progressed it just kept going off the rails.

I’m actually really frustrated and disappointed by this, because there’s a lot in this book that reads like it could be true. There’s a lot here that sounds very believable, that seems to align with what others have said about the band, and that I didn’t blink twice at until the cracks started showing up and everything got called into question.

There’s nothing exactly wrong with writing a “biography” based solely on loose anecdotes, especially given that this was written in 1995 shortly after Freddie’s death and before a lot of the more contemporary sources had come out (like Brian’s books and the things him and Roger have said in more recent years).

But I do think that the author has a responsibility for doing some vetting of these stories, either by trying to verify what’s been said or making it apparent to the reader that some of the information is hearsay or has to be taken with a grain of salt. The Early Years doesn’t do that, though. This book is presenting itself as a labor of love from a tired, dedicated author who has toiled over tracking down these stories while being rebuffed by the band itself, and at no point does anything come with a caveat about what’s being said.

The author wants you read this book and assume everything in it is true. The author wants you to feel sorry for him that he couldn’t interview Queen directly, and frankly it seems like he wants you to side-eye the official Queen story (or at least question their morals and motives) in favor of agreeing with the narrative that he presents.

And that’s the big issue that I have with this book. Most of the information in here could very well be true - but as a reader, you aren’t given the tools you need to judge that for yourself and instead are encouraged to sympathize with the author and his work, and to take what he says as objective fact and not look at any of it too deeply.

And because of that, the entire book falls apart for me. If I know that the author is printing small details of misinformation, and I don’t have any way of verifying what is being printed here, and the author starts presenting conclusions and narratives that run counter to everything else that has been said about Queen... how can I trust that anything in this book is accurate on it’s own?

#text #long post //#ramblings

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