#have my psychologist appointment next week. I already know what I’m gonna bring up

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Back from doctors

A lot of crying. Gonna be trying out new medication soon. Hope it’s cheap bc I am BROKE.

[calm-and-wine]

(I’ll give you) the best years

part I (moodboard)

Hello lovely people! Here is the start of a little drabble series about Nulu’s future (you can catch up on Down the line here). The biggest thank you to Anna @silverrank​ for editing and giving the best tips. Please come talk to me about those two anytime of day or night!

April 2022

“My mum’s been busting my ass with questions about the wedding. She’d love to help us plan things,” Niall said between bites of his breakfast.

They were in his house in LA, Niall had been putting finishing touches on his new album, while Lucy had a week off before going to Europe for clay season.

“Umm sure, I mean I’d love to have her help, but it’s not like we have a date set or anything. We haven’t even really talked about what we want it to be like.”

They had been engaged for a few months, but had yet to breach the topic of their wedding at all. Lucy quite enjoyed this phase of their relationship. Of course she wanted to take the relationship to the next level - hence the engagement - but after Australian Open, they hadn't spent more than two weeks together. The worst part of it was that those two weeks hadn't even been consecutive, thanks to Niall being busy recording his album and Lucy with playing.

“I know. But I think she’s just excited. And she assured me she doesn’t want to make decisions for us, just help with the organisation, since we’re both busy.”

“She’s honestly the sweetest soul. I love your mum.” Lucy sighed longingly, because she really did; Maura was an angel who had welcomed Lucy into the family with open arms, even when they hadn’t been dating that long. Because of that, she made a mental note to call her, as it’d been too long since their last chat. “Well, how about September next year? I could probably take a bit of a time off after US Open, skip a couple tournaments. I mean, it’s the end of the season anyway…”

“I’m gonna be done with touring by the end of July, so yeah, that’d work. Did you have a location in mind?”

“London,” Lucy said without a second of hesitation

“Really?” Niall looked at her surprised. “No destination wedding? Like a beach or something?”

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. “London’s home and I’d love to do it somewhere there. Would you prefer somewhere abroad?”

“No, London’s good. I would be okay with a destination wedding, but it would be a pain in the ass with all the guests flying in and stuff. And some people wouldn’t come, so that would be a shame. Look at us, we already have a venue and a date!” Niall said with a big smile on his face. Apparently planning a wedding wasn’t that hard, all you had to do is have a chat with your partner and voila, everything was set!

Lucy laughed. “We do not have a date and a venue, we have a month and a whole city area.”

“Okay, party pooper.” Niall stuck his tongue out at her. “What about people? How many are you thinking?”

“I don’t know, about a hundred?”

A concentrated frown made Niall’s eyebrows scrunch together. “A hundred people for each of us? I guess I could make it work…”

Lucy made a face. “I meant a hundred altogether, actually.”

Niall looked at her with surprise. “Wait, what? A hundred people total?”

“Well, yeah. How many were you thinking?” Now Lucy was the one confused.

“I don’t know, around three hundred or something,” Niall mumbled, picking at his food like he was embarrassed.

“Are you serious? I wouldn’t know even half of them!” Lucy raised her brows and waited for Niall to raise his head, but when he did, he just shrugged. Lucy sighed. “And you wouldn’t even have enough time to talk to three hundred people.”

“So you want a small wedding, then?” he said after a minute.

“Yeah,” she admitted. “I mean, I’d rather have fun with the people that are closest to us than spend half the night wondering if I talked to everyone and if no one feels left out or annoyed I’m not giving them attention.”

Niall hummed, but stayed silent for a moment, thinking it over. “Maybe you’re right. I think we should start making a list, see how many people we come up with.” He had his phone in his hand in a second, ready to type. “What?” he asked, when he looked up at Lucy only to see a wide smile and bright eyes.

She shook her head slightly, but the smile wouldn't leave her face. “It just kinda hit me that we’re really doing this. We’re actually getting married.”

“Are you regretting it already?” he asked with raised brows, but with a smile that matched hers.

“No, but I might, if you actually want to invite three hundred people.”

Niall’s laughter filled the place and she joined him, thinking that she might even endure a night in the company of three hundred people or more, if it meant hearing that laugh and making a man she loved happy.

February 2023

Lucy went dress shopping with her mum, Niall’s mum, Laura, Mia and Natalia. The latter was Mia’s girlfriend of almost a year. Lucy always had limited time in London, so instead of going to a variety of different stores, she looked through an online catalogue of the one they were in, now presenting the five dresses she’d chosen. The first one had gotten mixed reactions from her company, so it was a no. The second was beautiful, but Lucy found the narrow, mermaid style bottom of the dress a little too constricting.

The minute she put on the third dress, Lucy knew her mum wouldn’t like it. And she was proved right as soon as the dressing room’s door opened.

“Oh no, this one brings too much attention to your arms and shoulders and you don’t want that, honey,” said Megan right away.

Lucy didn’t even bother making her way to the mirror in the room, nor did she grace her mum with a response. They’d been through similar situations so many times she’d lost count. The rest of her help committee was rendered silent and she didn’t want to make the atmosphere even more awkward, so she just went and changed into dress number four, losing hope of actually finding one everyone would like, herself especially.

Two out of the pre-picked dresses were nice, the first and fourth one, but none was amazing. Not one made Lucy go, ‘Wow’. Maybe she just expected too much, she always thought that she would just know, she would try it on and just feel that it’s the right one. She wanted to fall in love with her wedding dress; was that too much to ask?

“Let’s maybe look around for a bit? Maybe something will catch your eye, it’s always a bit different than browsing online.” Mia stood up as soon as she saw her cousin’s disheartened expression after looking at her reflection in the last dress.

Lucy smiled with gratitude before stepping down and heading towards the racks full of all types of wedding dresses. The other women joined them, spreading around the room to look through the garments. The group worked quietly, the main sound in the room being the scraping of hangers and background music. Lucy’s attention was brought to whoever called her name to show her one of the dresses, but she mostly replied with a shake of her head. Diana, the shop assistant, was observing the scene, ready to bring whatever was needed or take a dress to wait for Lucy in the changing room.

“What about this one?” Natalia spoke up for the first time since they started looking. Lucy looked up, and she felt her eyes instantly starting to sparkle when she looked at the dress in Natalia’s hands. It was so beautiful and delicate, breathtaking, yet not too much, all at once. She was scared to like it too much right away, before even trying it on, but the thought that this dress might be the one made her heart do a little jump.

“Yeah, I kinda love it.” She gave Nat a wide smile before turning to Diana. “Do you have my size?”

~~~~

After the visit in the bridal shop, Lucy, her mum, Maura and Mia went to lunch. Laura had a meeting about one of her new work projects, while Natalia had a photoshoot location to look at. It was nice to actually spend time with her family and friends and Lucy was relieved that most of their conversation topics weren’t about her wedding. Obviously she was excited about the whole thing, but she had been the centre of attention all morning and it was nice to get away from the spotlight a bit.

After lunch she had a session with her psychologist. They’d been working together for a few years now to make sure she had the right mentality on court, as well as helping with general mental health. As soon as the appointment was over, she had a proper training session with her coach scheduled.

It had been a good day, but when evening came, she was more than happy to be back home, enjoying a quiet evening with a steaming mug of tea and catching up on some tv shows. And when her phone finally rang with an incoming facetime call, she didn’t even try to contain her growing smile. She loved being back in London, but it was always a bit bittersweet if Niall wasn’t around. It didn’t feel completely like home.

“Hi, love.” Niall’s smiling face filled her screen and her heart instantly warmed.

“Hey. Are you leaving for the venue soon?” She could see he was still in his hotel room, shirtless as always and it looked like his hair was wet. He had a show tonight, though - in Chicago if she remembered correctly - so he should be heading out soon.

“Yeah, but I wanted to chat with you for a bit before. Did you have a good day?” He was lounging on his bed, his attention focused solely on Lucy. It was one of the things she loved most about him, especially because sometimes he found it quite hard to focus on one thing, but never when he talked to her.

“Really nice day. It was so good to see everyone and spend time together. I do miss you, though.” She pouted, an action Niall mirrored.

“I miss you, too, Lulu. I’m counting down the days for that week and a half together before clay.” He smiled sadly. They had a few small visits planned, but it was usually for two or three days; they had to wait until the beginning of April for a longer visit.

“48 days,” she said with a smile; she had an app counting the days.

As if to change the subject before the mood became too sad, Niall asked, “How was the dress-hunt?”

“Terrible, at first,” Lucy laughed. “But it got better.”

“I heard your mum made some comments…” Niall said, a bit tentatively.

“Did Maura tell you that?” Lucy asked, at which he nodded. “Yeah, she hates my arms and shoulders, but what else is new. Well, those arms and shoulders got me a spot in the top 10 best female servers for a few years now, so I really don’t care if my mum thinks they’re not feminine enough.”

“I love you, Lulu,” Niall said with a fond look in his eyes. She was appreciative that those were the words that left his mouth, not that she was beautiful; somehow it made her feel better and it was like he knew she didn’t really need that boost of confidence.

“I love you too, baby.” They stared at each other through the screen for a while, giving each other gentle smiles and supporting looks. “I hope Maura didn’t have a terrible time today.” She had to ask... well, indirectly, because she always had this creeping fear that maybe people didn’t enjoy her company as much as she enjoyed theirs. And with her mum making it awkward for a bit and the dress search taking longer than expected, she’d hate to think that maybe Niall’s mum became irritated at some point or would rather spend her time differently.

“Don’t be silly,” Niall said instantly. “She called me today as soon as I’d woken up and wouldn’t shut up about how great you are and how lucky I am to be marrying you, like I didn’t know already. You know she adores you and she felt very honored that you wanted her there. I’m pretty sure she actually texted me the minute you invited her.”

Lucy laughed. “That woman is so cute. Did she tell you about the dress?”

“Oh, you found the dress?” Something in Niall's tone made Lucy raise her eyebrows. A beat of silence followed, before Niall broke it with a sigh. “Well, she didn’t say much, refused to give me even the smallest description, but she did say you look absolutely stunning in it. She also said I’m gonna be completely speechless when I see you in it. I might not be able to say ‘I do’ if that’s the case. Do you think a nod will do?”

Lucy looked at him very unamused, while he cackled to himself. “Why, oh why, have I agreed to marry an idiot?” she asked.

“Oh please, you love my jokes. You think I’m hilarious.”

“I don’t think there’s a person on this planet who’d ever use that word to describe you,” she retorted, though without heat or malice.

They just leveled each other with a daring look until Lucy broke and started laughing, with Niall following suit.

“I really can’t wait to marry you, Lulu,” he said when they calmed down, with smiles still painted on both their faces. “Why haven’t we decided to elope?”

She snickered at that. “May I remind you that not so long ago, you actually wanted a wedding for three hundred people?” She raised her brow daringly, at which he laughed and shook his head.

“Well, good thing I’m marrying such a smart woman; at least she’ll always get my head on straight.”

Lucy let out a soft chuckle and silence engulfed them for a split moment before another thought hit her. “Oh, I told Mia we’re gonna come do the tasting in the week after Wimbledon, she said Monday would be best, cause they’re closed then, so they’d just come in for a few hours for us. You’ll be back then, right?”

Mia was a sous chef at one of the best restaurants in London, so of course they wanted to hire that team for their wedding. Obviously Mia herself wouldn’t be working as she was the maid of honour, but her colleagues would be just fine without her watchful eye.

“Yup, I’m flying back Sunday afternoon, shouldn’t be home too late, so Monday works for me.” Lucy nodded while Niall took a minute to consider something before speaking again. “I’m going to sound like a dick, I know, but is it extremely awful that I kinda hope you won’t become a Wimbledon champion this year?” he asked sheepishly.

She wasn’t offended at all, just looked at him softly, with a little tilt of her head. It just so happened that he was playing this tour’s last concert the day of the women's final at Wimbledon.

“Well, a part of me is kinda hoping I’ll lose early on, so I can come see you at least for the last show,” she said. “Maybe even a couple, if I lose in the first week.”

They shared a look with which they tried to transpire an unspoken message of ‘I miss you’ and ‘I love you’. This was their normal, not being able to experience all of the big moments together, having to make tough choices, knowing when you could be selfish and when to put the relationship first. Some may think that was too much trouble, but through their years together they learned to navigate it somehow. Sure, they still made mistakes and were torn between decisions, but as cliche as it sounded, communication was the key. And neither of them would ever exchange their relationship for something easier. After all, Lucy was a firm believer of working hard on things to truly earn them. And working on her partnership with Niall might actually be the most pleasurable work ever.

September 2023

“Man, you’re actually getting married, that’s so wild!” said Mully clasping a hand on Niall’s shoulder with a big smile on his face. “I mean, it feels like you two has been together forever, so no one really had a doubt that you’d be endgame, but just… You’re actually settling down, that’s crazy.”

“You’re one to talk… Should I remind you that you proposed to Jordan three months ago?”

“Touché,” Sean laughed.

“Can you go see how everything's going out there? And get me some water, please,” Niall said to his childhood friend, mostly because he wanted a minute to talk to his father.

“I’m on it.” Mully gave a salute and left the room with a laugh.

The rest of his groomsmen were out there as well, making sure their partners and plus ones didn’t feel abandoned and giving Niall a moment to breathe.

“Why are you so nervous, son? I thought you were a million percent sure she’s the one,” said Bobby, noticing Niall’s bouncing knee and unfocused gaze.

“I am, I mean I’ve never even been in love like that. I want to spend my life with Lulu, of course I do, but, like, what if things don’t work out? What if we actually won’t last? How can I know that?” he asked.

He loved Lucy with his whole heart and soul, he’d never been more sure about anything, and he knew she felt the same way about him. But some part of him was worried, because sometimes things just didn’t work out, right? Things happened and feelings could change. He was sure his parents were in love when they got married, yet their marriage didn’t last. And so did so many others. Maybe love wasn’t everything and marriage wasn’t the road they should take? Just thinking about losing Lulu was making his insides churn and if he focused on it for too long, he might just throw up his breakfast. 

“Niall.” Bobby came closer and looked at him with a soft, but sure look. “There are simply no guarantees. That’s just life. But let me tell you that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a relationship as strong as yours, or two people so determined to make it work, just because of the love they have for each other. Sure, life will throw all kinds of troubles at you, but I think you’ve worked through a lot of the hurdles already. As long as you’ll stay like this, honest and open and wanting to make it work, you’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure of this.”

Niall looked at him with glazed eyes. His father wasn’t one for inspirational speeches like that, which made it even more meaningful.

“And I hope you know how proud we are of you, me and your mum. For everything you’ve done and what a beautiful life you’ve built.”

“Thanks, dad,” he said, enveloping Bobby in a tight hug.

He didn’t doubt Lucy and their love, he doubted life and happy endings. He doubted just how much goodness and happiness one could get from the universe. His life had thrown so many good things his way already, there was so much luck involved in all of his successes, and he just felt that someday it’d have to turn around and some gloom would take over. And maybe not seeing Lucy since yesterday and spending the night without her brought a bit of self-consciousness and worry. After all, she was usually his voice of reason. They lifted each other up. And deep down he knew it’d always be like that. They wouldn’t let each other fall, and together they wouldn’t hit the ground, because there would always be one to hold the other up.

~~

“I need to see Niall,” Lucy said, when her hair was finally perfectly arranged and she was left in a room with her and Niall’s mums, Mia, Natalia and Laura, who were her bridal party.

“What?” asked Megan, brows drawn together in confusion. 

It was less than an hour until the start of the ceremony. Lucy hadn’t seen her soon to be husband since late afternoon yesterday, as they’d decided to follow that bit of tradition and spend the night apart, with him staying at home, while she was at the hotel with her parents and Mia. She was very much regretting that decision now. They’d texted and talked on the phone before falling asleep, but she still missed him, it was different knowing he was so close, yet they weren’t together. It didn’t feel right. And now, when she was so stressed, not about the whole marrying him thing, but just about the whole ceremony and having all eyes on her throughout the day. At least she was glad that they’ve managed to wrap up the guest list just under hundred and fifty people.

Her and Niall were not supposed to see each other before the big walk down the aisle, but she needed his presence to calm her nerves.

“Can you please ask him to come meet me?” she asked Maura.

She looked at her a bit surprised, but nodded and brought a small smile to her face, even though her eyes looked a little worried. “Of course, sweetheart.”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, I just need to see him,” Lucy assured before Maura left the room.

“We’ll give you a moment,” said Mia, squeezing Lucy’s shoulder as she passed, ushering everyone out of the room. Megan gave her an unnerved look, but left the room.

While waiting, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her perfect dress, her hair was done just the way she wanted, part of it pinned up and part left down in soft curls, her face adorned by quite delicate makeup. Everything was just the way she imagined, even better.

There was a quick knock on her door followed by a nervous, “Lulu?”.

She took a deep breath before saying “come in”.

Hearing that Lucy wanted to see him and then standing outside her door, Niall thought his heart might just beat out of his chest. But when he walked in and saw her, standing there, a mirror behind her, a soft glow coming from the window and lighting up all of her best features, he felt like his heart just left his chest. He felt nervous and suddenly calm at the same time. His mum had been right - he was very much speechless, because Lucy looked like a vision.

“Is, um, is everything alright?” he asked, searching for any signs of distress in her eyes.

“Yes, of course. I’m about to marry the most wonderful man in the whole world. I’m a bit nervous, though, and just needed to see you,” she said a little sheepishly. She hadn’t really thought about how it might look to Niall when his mum showed up and said his fiancée wanted to see him, hadn’t considered how panicked he might get.

He took a step closer, not being able to stand the distance between them any longer, especially since he was sure she wasn’t about to call the wedding off or anything like that. When he was close enough, he noticed her hands were shaking and instantly engulfed them in both of his.

“Nothing to be nervous about. It’s just people we know out there. And I’m gonna be there, waiting for you at the altar and then be by your side the whole time. Plus, I have to say, just… wow. You look so incredibly beautiful, Lulu. I knew you would, you always do, but this... this is just a different level. And knowing you’re gonna become my wife today, somehow it just makes you even more stunning.”

When she finally looked at him, her eyes were already starting to water. “You look incredibly handsome as well.” His face finally lit up with a big smile and she almost launched herself into his arms. “Can we share our vows now?” she asked quietly into his ear.

Out there, in front of everyone, they’d decided to go with the traditional vows, to try and not make each other cry. But they both wanted to do their own, special ones. It was agreed to exchange them sometime later, probably late at night, when the wedding festivities were over, but she didn’t want to wait. As they were standing in this small room, both ready, wrapped up in each other, she wanted to be his already. Even if it wouldn’t be officiated, she wanted to have that promise between them already. She wanted to walk down the aisle with his vows playing in her head. She needed the confidence that his words would give her, the reminder of his love and devotion.

“Of course, whatever you want, love,” he whispered. “Do you want me to start?” Even though he didn’t see her because of their embrace, he could feel her nod. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek, right by her ear, before slowly pulling away, but keeping his hands around her waist.

Lucy felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. It was fluttering around her ribcage, when she looked at the man in front of her, ready to soak up his every word. Even though her heartbeat might say differently, she wasn’t nervous.

“My Lulu,” Niall started, looking straight into her eyes. He’d use her full name out there for their proper vows, so now, as it was just the two of them, he really wanted to call her by his favourite nickname. “I promise to love and to cherish you every second of every day, no matter what’s going on or where we are, together or apart. I promise to not let you lose yourself, especially not in my own life and dreams. I promise to always be your number one fan and supporter, to always believe in you, always let you shine and remind you how bright you are. But most of all, I promise to be your partner, through thick and thin, no matter what life throws at us, to stand by your side, hold you tight and lift you up. I love you, Lulu and I promise to try to be the best husband possible.”

About halfway through his speech, Lucy’s eyes not only sparkled, but full on watered, tears eventually spilling down her cheeks. Niall quickly wiped them away with a soft smile and a look that said he’ll always be there to do just that. He didn’t even need to say it out loud, she already knew.

Before she started speaking, Lucy reached up on her tiptoes and planted a kiss right on his lips. “Niall, baby, I knew I should have gone first, cause you’re better at words than I am,” she started, at which he chuckled and squeezed her waist encouragingly. “I promise to always make sure you know how much I love you, through words and gestures, to always make you feel secure and confident, just like you do for me. I promise to always have your back, cause we are a team and together we can do anything. I promise to always try to understand you and consider your feelings. I promise to be open and honest, just like you want me to. I promise to never lose sight of how amazing you are and not let you to, either. I promise not to let you sacrifice yourself too much for me, even if you want to. I promise to make you laugh, just like you do with your stupid jokes, and to play with your hair and rub your back when you’re tired or can’t sleep. And I promise to always strive to be exactly what you need. Even though I can’t promise to be the perfect wife, I promise to try my hardest and always be the best for you.”

Just as she was saying the last sentence, a tear rolled down Niall’s left cheek, which she wiped with the tip of her finger, just like he’d done to her a few minutes earlier. She’d barely finished, when he pulled her closer and enveloped her in a tight hug while planting kisses all over her face and neck. This moment was just so blissful, they both wanted to stay in it forever.

Neither of them could even say how long they’d spent alone, after their vows they just stayed in each others’ embrace, sharing kisses every other second, inhaling one another, swaying back and forth on their feet, even though there was no music playing. They were wrapped up in their little bubble of love and excitement. Until there was a knock on the door.

“Please stop mingling in there, you’re supposed to get married in twenty minutes. I can’t believe you couldn’t even keep your hands off each other for one day.” Mia’s voice was slightly muffled through the doors, but her words were still clear. Niall and Lucy shared a shocked look, not even thinking of what anyone might think they were doing (they truly didn’t care), before erupting in laughter.

~~~~

When Lucy was coming back from the toilet, someone pulled her hand before she reached the main room. She turned her head to see it was her husband. He had a wicked smile on his face and put a finger to his lips as a signal to keep quiet, even though she was pretty sure no one would hear them over the loud music coming from the dancefloor anyway. He laced their fingers and led them into a corner of the hallway passed the kitchen.

Niall propped her against the wall, but put a hand around her waist to soften the hit.

“I’ve missed you,” he said, quietly bringing his body closer and leaning in to kiss her cheek before moving on to her neck.

Lucy let out a lovely laugh. It was a sound that he wanted to hear for the rest of his life. “We got married today, baby, we’ve been around each other for hours.” Despite her words, he kinda had a point. Sure, they were always together, holding hands or wrapping an arm around the waist to keep the other by their sides, but they were constantly around other people, listening to congratulations, well wishes and just making conversations with their guests. It was lovely, it was a part of the whole wedding ordeal, and it was their family and friends, who they were so happy to share this moment with, but she did want a minute alone with her husband as well.

“Yes, but I want you just for myself for a moment. You’ve been my wife for hours now and I’ve barely even kissed you. It’s a bit outrageous, don’t you think?” He whispered it all straight into her ear, nibbling on a skin once he was done.

She hummed. “Very much so” she agreed. She grabbed the back of his hair to pull him away from her neck and finally bring him in for a proper kiss. Both of them were hungry for it, their mouths working hurriedly, like anyone could interrupt them at any given moment, which was kind of true in this situation. Niall’s hands were rummaging around her dress, sneaking from around her ribcage to her waist and then travelling down and in this moment Lucy was both glad and mad at herself that her wedding gown was floor length, because she missed the warmth of his skin on her, even though this definitely wasn't the time and place to be doing that. She wanted to do nothing more but rake her fingers through his soft hair, but it was still perfectly styled and she didn’t want to ruin it, especially since it would probably create quite a buzz between the guests.

“Man, I can’t wait until the party’s over” he sighed, throwing his head back, when Lucy pulled away with a groan to force them both to catch their breath. “Is it really awful that I’m saying that about my own wedding?”

“Nah, I kinda feel the same right now,” she admitted with a giggle. At this moment, when they were sneaking around the party for a bit of a make out session, she felt like a teenager with butterflies in her stomach, not an adult with a husband. But there was a certain beauty in that, how Niall could make her feel giddy and excited with the simplest things, no matter how long they’d been together.

“Should we sneak off to the bathroom or something?” he asked with a glint in his eyes.

Lucy chuckled, knowing, well, hoping at least, that he wasn’t actually being serious. There was no way she was having sex with her husband for the first time in some filthy bathroom at their own wedding. Well, maybe not filthy, cause the whole place was very nice, but the sentiment was very much the same. It was not the place (nor time) to engage in marital sex. She and Niall had slept together too many times to count, but both of them wondered if this next time would be different, because of the official commitment marriage brought, if anything would change in their connection. Lucy had a gut feeling it’d be better than any time before and that they’d feel close and connected like never before, although that’d never been an issue for them. Their intimacy always brought not only their bodies, but also their minds and souls as close together as possible.

“Absolutely not,” she said, planting a kiss on his lips to soften the blow. “But we should get back. Theo looked pretty sleepy and I promised him another dance. Also, Harry made me swear to save one for him as well.” She smiled at the memory of sharing a dance with Niall’s ten year old godson not even an hour ago, and at the conversation they’d had with his former bandmates, which involved a lot of teasing of her husband.

“No,” Niall whined languidly. “Why do I have to share you? I’m fine with Theo, he’s a good kid, but Harry can suck it, he has his own girl.” He pouted to emphasize his words, at which Lucy laughed and reached her hand to smooth his features.

“Well, you could dance with Meave or another of the boys’ girls and then we can swap to get back together. I’m the bride, baby, a hot commodity, nothing we can do about it.” She shrugged her shoulders with a smile.

He sighed and pulled her closer to hide in the space between her neck and shoulder, which might just be his favourite spot on her body. “Okay, let’s go, I want to get it over with,” he said after a minute, standing straighter up. The smile on his face and the kiss he gave her before pulling away and lacing their fingers to head back to their party told her what she already knew, that he wasn’t actually grumpy and he did enjoy the night, even if it meant sharing her the whole night. Because in the end, she was his and he was hers and they had a whole lifetime together ahead of them.

Right before they entered the room where most of the guests were gathered, he pulled her to her chest once more and whispered a simple sentence right into her ear, but that few words sent a thrilled chill across her whole body: “Can’t wait for our honeymoon.”

[therandomfics]

All’s Well - 8

A therapist. Sonny had found you a marriage counselor. It took you up until the point that you sat down next to Sonny and across from the counselor that you actually believed it was happening.

“Y/N, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Jacob. I’ve been a marriage counselor for 8 years. Before that, I was a diagnostic psychologist. Your husband has come to me with the hopes that we can work on the issues that are pushing you two away from one another,” the man stated. He was in his mid-forties with sandy hair and hazel eyes. He looked kind, but he also looked generic, which seemed appropriate given his line of work.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you said quietly. Only in books and on television had you any knowledge of therapy and what it entailed. Many of your friends had been through sessions before and seemed to be better for it, but you weren’t sure if it was for you. It felt wrong to divulge your secrets to someone you didn’t know and expect them to be able to fix the issue. How can you fix something that you don’t really understand?

“So, Sonny, Y/N, can you guys tell me an overview of what’s caused your trouble?” Jacob asked, his legs cross and the cuff of his khaki pants rising up to reveal orange and green patterned socks.

You glanced at Sonny, who was already looking at you, and waited for him to speak. He wanted to go to therapy, so it was going to be his job to make this whole thing work.

“We’ve been together for five years and we’ve been taking on more responsibilities and.. things.. as we get older and grow in our careers and I think it’s taken time away from our marriage,” Sonny began, carefully and softly. “When we first got married we were younger of course and I didn’t have so much going on, and neither did she. Now it just feels like it’s a rat race, all we do is go.” 

Your eyes traveled up and down your husband’s weary frame. Even in spite of his exhaustion and his frustration, he was a wonderful thing to view. His hair was slightly tousled and his tie was pulled just enough to give him a look of relaxation - a look you knew wasn’t true. He kept his hands on his thighs, where his fingers fidgeted by grasping and pulling at his black slacks to keep them from riding up as he sat. He tapped his toes in his dress shoes and you noticed that for once, he didn’t have on what you called stupid socks. Instead, they were black, like his shoes and pants, and it struck you as odd. Had you crushed his spirit?

“Y/N, what do you think?” Jacob asked.

You chewed your lip and stared down at your own lap for a moment, smoothing out inevitable wrinkles in your summery printed pencil skirt. “I think that’s partially true. I also think that the main reason why I am here is because my husband has stopped loving me as his wife and has begun merely loving me as his best friend, as his roommate, and that’s infuriating. I can have a roommate. I can have a best friend. But I need my husband to be my husband and I’m lonely. I’m tired of being alone. I wish I’d never gotten married sometimes.”

Sonny’s face lost all color and then flooded with red as you spoke - you were airing out dirty laundry, and Sonny was nothing if not private.

“That’s not true. Is it?” he stammered, turning to face you with narrowed eyes.

You looked at the counselor and folded your hands in your lap. “I cannot tell you when we last had any type of physical intimacy that went beyond a hug or a kiss.”

“Sonny, do you remember the last time you were intimate with your wife?” he asked, scribbling unknown notes on his notepad.

Sonny paused and furrowed his brow. “I..” he began, but fell silent. Instead, he shook his head. It was evident that he couldn’t remember and was failing and making it up on the spot.

You smiled smugly and shrugged. “March 23rd. What day is it now? It’s August 28th.”

“And you feel like this is the biggest problem in your marriage?” he asked. More notes on the paper.

“I’d say it’s a big fucking issue.” You snorted at the pun but shook your head and tried to stay neutral. It would do no good to be immature during a therapy session.

“Sonny, what do you think is the biggest issue?”

Your husband sighed and tapped his feet absently. “My wife never tells me how she feels. I never really know what she needs or wants.”

You glanced over at Sonny and scowled. He never told you that before, but he had felt like it was an issue long enough to bring it up. What else was he unhappy with?

“You’ve never once told me that I don’t communicate with you,” you snapped, pursing your lips in disdain.

“I never wanted to hurt your feelings,” he explained with a tired sigh.

“So instead you tell a stranger what I’ve done wrong? Why can’t you tell me? It sounds like you have the communication issues here, kid, not me,” you huffed, losing your temper quickly.

“Alright,” Jacob sounded off, standing up and laying his notepad down. “That’s good enough for now. Reception will schedule you for next week’s appointment. In the mean time, I have some homework for each of you. Write your spouse a letter telling them everything that you wish they would change about themselves. Next week I’ll collect them and we’ll proceed from there.”

As you left the office and scheduled your next appointment, you felt the urge to speak to Sonny about the conversations that you’d had in the therapist’s office. He hadn’t said anything about not communicating, after all, so it must have been fair game.

“I don’t hate you,” you said suddenly as you both left the office and stepped onto the elevator.

“I know,” he said with an understanding nod.

“I just.. I wish..” you sighed heavily and trailed off, feeling that you were on the verge of tears. It frustrated you to know that your emotions were in control of you instead of the other way around.

“Hey.” He reached out and pulled you against his chest, wrapping his arms around you protectively. “We’re gonna figure this out, alright? Do you hear me?”

You nodded and mumbled an agreement that was unintelligible as you reached the ground floor and the doors opened. You sniffed and pulled away, stepping out into the lobby of the building and walking briskly to the doors that lead out of the building and away from the crushing weight of your problems. Sonny couldn’t know how awful you felt. If anything, he should just put it in his letter.

“Y/N please wait,” Sonny called out, but you were already out of the building and rushing for the subway by the time he reached the doors.

[wintersxsoul]

Darkness Upon Us

Summary: You’ve always been cursed, being souless wasn’t as bad as everyone thought, but when you met Loki, maybe that loveless life you’ve grew to love could change.

Pairing: Loki x Female Reader

Word count: almost 2k

Warnings: A bit of smut, angst, abusive/ mean reader(?)

A/N: I’m such a mess, this has been on my WIPs for a month, I’m so sorry it took me so long to write this. I hope you like it and once again, I’m sorry for the delay.

Anon Request: Angsty fic based on this two gifs.

Everyone is afraid of darkness, but not darkness itself. Everyone is afraid of their own darkness, scared to let it out and burn everything they’ve built. You’ve always been drawn to darkness, to everyone’s deepest desires and sins, every twisted thoughts and acts.

Your own darkness was to discover that deepest, twisted side of others.

You knew yourself since you were a kid, always manipulating others to do whatever you wanted to, pushing them to the breaking point. To your parents, you were a ray of sun, so they never understood why you had no friends, until you reached your teenager years.

When you were sixteen, you had your first boyfriend and after a year dating, you decided to break his heart in the worst way, just for the fun of it. You were cheating on him with his older brother and his best friend at the same time, making him find out by setting a meeting hour and not appearing. When he showed up, he caught you fucking his friend and all you did was smirk at him, seeing how his heart shattered into million pieces. After that, your parents had had enough, and decided to send you to live with your aunt in New York.

10 years later, you were working in the Avengers Tower as their psychologist, being one of the best in the country. You knew that what you were doing was wrong, but as you already said, you were drawn to the darkness in others, it was like a drug and Loki, was the best drug dealer. Tony Stark hired you to treat him specifically after he came back from Sakaar with Thor, saying he wanted to redeem himself and all that. You couldn’t say no to that offer.

You were married to a boring guy who loved you with all his heart and soul, oblivious to the fact that you lacked the latter. You met Connor at your last year of college and yeah, you liked him and the sex was good, but something pulled you towards him, something as dark as the night. After 2 years living together and married, you started to wonder if you were wrong about him, since he was as good as always.

-

Loki was pulling at your hair so hard you thought your whole scalp was on fire, your legs limb due to the intensity of the orgasms you had, bent over your desk in your office. He was hitting you from behind, leaving red marks on your ass, his spanks becoming harsher and his thrusts erratic, his orgasm washing over him. A few thrusts more and some friction on your clit, had you over the edge for the fourth time.

“We should really stop this, you could get fired or worse, Connor could find out.” You looked at Loki while you fixed your clothes and hair, laughing at his stupid concern.

“Connor finding out? He is so pathetically in love with me that I have to laugh. And no one is firing me, I’m the best at my job.” You shrugged and sat at the edge of your messy desk waiting for him to get dressed.

“Why don’t you leave him if you don’t love him?” He asked as he sat on the armchair. You smiled and stood up, walking towards him and sitting on his lap. You caressed his face and leaned in, attacking his mouth with yours, causing him to gasp. His hands grabbed your hips so hard you knew you would have bruises later.

“And why would I do that?” You asked while he kissed your neck, sucking at the sweet spot he knew drove you wild.

“Besides, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” You put your wedding ring back to your finger, making Loki’s marks disappear since he charmed it so when you wore it all evidence of your encounters wouldn’t be visible.

“How many time do we have left?” You looked at your watch and frowned in confusion.

“Your session ended fifteen minutes ago. I hope the next patient is late or not curious enough to peek.”

Loki smiled and you moved from his lap, letting him stand up to leave. He gave your lips a small peck but biting your bottom lip.

“When will I see you again?” Loki asked you with a glint of hope in his eyes. You knew he always asked in case you wanted to meet with him, but that never happened. One thing was having sex with him and another different one was sharing your life and time with him. You moved back to your desk and took your agenda, checking when your next appointment was.

“Well, since you seem to be responding positively to therapy, I will see you in two weeks instead of next week.” Loki frowned, thinking maybe you didn’t get the question right. He wanted to meet you outside the Avengers HQ. You were more than his therapist and you knew it, that’s why you wanted to keep this affair between these four walls. Dating a patient was wrong being a therapist, but for you it was a death sentence. You’ve never loved anyone besides yourself, so love was something unknown to you. Something you never wanted to feel.

Loki paced around his room, his thoughts somewhere else. He knew he fucked up with you, showing so much interest, knowing how you were. He once had the power stone so he had the blessing and now the curse to know and see beyond people’s souls. Yours was as dark as a moonless night and maybe that’s why he was so drawn to you. He knew that falling in love with you was the biggest mistake he could have ever made, but he was desperate to fill his aching empty heart.

“Oh mother, I wish you were here to tell me what to do.” He said looking at the sunset, a single tear falling from his eyes. He prayed to the Norns so they could change his already sealed fate of pain and tragedy.

You were sitting next to Connor in your living room, silently cursing yourself for marrying him. He tried to bring joy to your boring lives, but you knew you needed more, and he could never give it to you. That’s why you decided to break his heart and leave him.

“Connor, we need to talk.” He looked at you with a deep sadness in his eyes and you already felt that sickening feeling of happiness you always found in someone else’s pain.

“You are seeing someone else. Right?” You stared at him in awe, not sure how he knew since you were really careful not to be discovered.

“Yes. Since when do you know?” He frowned and stared at you shocked, not sure why you didn’t try to lie to him. But you knew better.

“Do you love him? Because I know for sure you’ve never loved me. I just thought with time you would fall in love with me.” You had the sudden urge to laugh, because this stupid asshole really thought you would ever love him. Instead of laughing, you shrugged really not knowing if you loved Loki for sure.

“I think so. Are you gonna leave me?” You suddenly felt a deep happiness by the thought of him disappearing from your life for good, now that you broke his heart.

“No. You are my wife and I do love you, so you are stuck with me til’ death do us part. Because you know I don’t believe in divorce, you knew this when you married me.”

“But I want to be with him.” You sounded so real it scared you. Was this true?

“I don’t care.” Oh fuck. All your hopes of getting rid of him vanished. You stood up and went to your room, Connor followed you with his eyes until you disappeared. You got dressed and texted Loki, knowing he would run to you at any given time.

“I need a walk, I don’t know when I’ll be back, so don’t wait for me.” He looked at you and smiled, the sight disgusting you making your guts twist.

“You are going to see him, aren’t you?” He stood up and approached you, the look he gave you was scary but to you it was just a look of a scared man trying to keep his love caged.

“No, I need fresh air and to think.” You were always an amazing liar so he believed you, the tension in his eyes disappearing. He leaned in and tried to kiss you, but you turned your face away so he could kiss you on the cheek instead. You rushed to the door and left him broken and alone in the middle of your hall.

Once you reached the compound you set your plan in motion starting with fake crying to Loki.

“What happened Y/n?” He knew it was grave since you never ever shed a single tear, not even when you really felt like crying.

“I told Connor about us, b-because I want to be with you. But he won’t leave me.” You saw Loki’s gaze change from concern to hope. A blinding hope that you knew would bring him to do whatever you needed and wanted him to. You knew he had been manipulated before, but this time he had the misfortune to be in love with you.

“What can I do to help?” He sounded so desperate to help, he had fallen in your trap and you knew he would do anything to keep you safe, even kill someone.

“As long as one of us is alive, he won’t leave me.” You hoped your voice could show the emotion of desperation you needed.

“Then, if you don’t mind, I will do as you ask. I will end him.” He sounded so dark and like his old self that you had hope that maybe this could work.

“Would you do that for me? For us?”

“I would do anything for you, my love.” He leaned in and kissed you, his rage growing as you held him like he was all you needed in the world. And maybe it was true? Maybe you could really be with someone and love them.

Loki disappeared surrounded by a green light and you really felt hopeful. Maybe the curse you were born with could be broken, maybe you could have a soul after all.

But you couldn’t be vulnerable, you couldn’t do that to yourself. Not after all these years of being an empty shell. At that exact moment you received a text from Loki, everything was taken care of. He didn’t kill him, but he made Connor to forget you and all the years you spent together, it was like you never existed for him. You smiled triumphantly and left a little note on Loki’s bed.

When he came back to his empty chambers, his fear came true. You were gone. Loki started crying, the heartbreak that he had been preparing for stronger than what he had thought. He approached his bed and found a piece of paper.

“I need to figure out what I want. I know this is what you had expected of me, but I really love you or at least I think I do.

Please, wait for me. I will be back, I promise you.

Yours forever, Y/n.”

He crumpled the note and clutched to his heart, he wiped his tears and smiled hopefully. The Norns may had heard his prayers and his fate wasn’t as sealed as he thought. You were going to be back, you both knew that.

TAGLIST IS ON MY BIO.

@trashpanda-barnes / @sideeffectsofyou /  @madamefresa / @lilypalmer1987 /  @gravedollie666 /  @sarahivi /  @gummiwormsandonedirection / @deamstellarus /  @zeilenkrieg /  @lokixme /  @unicorn-princess-1999 / @thatchick147 / @writingsoftheloser / @avenging-blackwidow / @bluedazefangirl / @dangertoozmanykids101 / @gildedmaggot / @firstyear-ravenclaw / @lonelyheart-jadedsoul / @xmessaroundx 

[neighbours-kid]

Silent September

I can’t believe how fast this month went by. I really can’t. One day I’m working, the other uni starts, and now I’m already three weeks in and feeling completely overwhelmed with everything again. Time moves too fucking fast.

I do like September, though. It’s a good month. Beginning of autumn, weather starts to cool. I get to wear sweaters and several layers of clothes again. Become a formless blob and less of a humanoid creature. Love it. But it also means I get a lot more melancholic than usual, become a bit more closed off too, I think. Colder weather makes me want to curl in on myself like a cat and just…not move. Seek comfort and stay there for the time being.

Contradicting that, is that since the beginning of September, I’ve spent more time out for drinks than I probably have in the entirety of the last two years. My….I wanna say best friend but that doesn’t quite cut it. I have a best friend, but that’s not her. She’s….something else entirely. It’s been years and we still don’t quite know how to describe the relationship we have. I think currently we’ve arrived at calling it “old married couple”. But anyway— she moved to my city and literally in the first week she’s been here, I have been out for drinks with her and her friends every day. And occasional more days since then. Which is good, because I have more of a social life now. Not so good on the wallet, though, if I’m being honest.

Then, uni started back up again. I was excited for it, I really was. I needed that structure back in my life, having something to do and not just wasting away at home watching one movie after the other. But honestly, already after the first week, I felt that old….resigned tiredness creeping back into my bones, and now I’m just so fucking tired of it again. It’s interesting stuff that I’m learning, mostly, but it is just so draining. I have mostly evening classes this term, but a full Tuesday in between, and everything in German. It is just so exhausting. By the time Thursday arrives and I have my beloved Creative Writing class, I am just drained. And now this term, CW isn’t as relaxing anymore because our dear mister in charge decided to change things up a bit to help the newbies and put us “old and experienced” writers in charge of small writing groups that we mostly work in during the class, and it’s….really not working out for us “mentors,” as he calls us now. I am taking this class to unwind, to calm the fuck down and maybe let off some steam of everything that I’ve been carrying around with me for a week, working through some of it with those writing exercises. But now I can barely do that. I also wanted to use the class this term to maybe channel my obsession with Good Omens into something productive, because otherwise I spend all my time of the week thinking about it instead of doing anything for uni, but even that isn’t really working out the way I want it to, exactly because I can’t really focus on my own writing. And now I’m still spending every single day of the week thinking about these two idiots that I love so much.

Somewhat related to that, I will be writing my Bachelor thesis on Good Omens, and I am so utterly excited for it already, even though it’s only next term and not really this one yet. I am so excited for it, that really all my productive energy is focused on it. It feels quite a bit like my excitement and my passion have jumped ship and are now residing on the island that is my thesis where I can’t access them until I actually get to researching and writing that thesis. Which really doesn’t help much with all the work I should be doing for my classes now, all the books I should be reading for my exam in December. I know, logically, that I have to do all these things now, so that I can actually write my thesis next term, and get my Bachelor’s by summer. But knowing things logically, and then actually processing that knowledge and doing what I know I should be doing, are two entirely different things, and I feel like I am very distanced from that second part.

Which, in turn, brings me to another thing. I already ranted about this on here — see Hills and Valleys —, but it’s still at the very forefront of my everyday thoughts. After my appointment at the end of June with a counsellor about my wanting to transition, I had hope that things would go rather quickly from now on. She gave me my next appointment date that day — October 8 — and until then I should be called in by a psychologist twice so I can get a written and psychologically approved 'okay', in order for my health insurance to be involved. As I’ve ranted in my post, none of that happened. My documents have been sent to that in-house psychologist three times already, and I have since emailed the counsellor about it and asked if she could maybe look into that. That next appointment is next week, and as far as I know, the only thing that is going to happen, is that I’m gonna have to give blood, and that maybe my mom who wants to come with me, will ask some questions. I am tired. This was the year things were supposed to change for me. But if things continue like this, I am afraid that I probably have to wait til 2020 to be able to actually start taking testosterone, which honestly makes me even more resigned about everything. I am so tired. And that combined with having a rather important semester university wise, is really not working out well.

I like September, I really do. But this one feels a bit like a rainy, foggy day. It feels exactly like today, to be honest. It’s so foggy I can barely see the expanse of hills I usually see out of the window. It’s raining. The light is all muted, my coffee is already cold again, and I’m listening to pretty melancholic music. That’s what September felt like. Nice, in a certain light. Perfect, for a certain mood. But overall just rather….cold and dull. And not very nice. A bit silent. Muted. Grey.

That’s all, for now.

[nancywheelxr]

(our friends set us up on a blind date as a prank because we don’t like each other but neither of us wants to let them win so ) | Part 6:

( part 1 ) ( part 2 ) ( part 3 ) ( part 4 ) ( part 5 )

Winn slaps the piece of paper on the table next to Alex’s tablet with a cry of triumph, grinning wide enough to make his cheeks ache. She doesn’t startle, slowly turning towards him, one eyebrow raised. He slides it back a little, his grin turning sheepish but no less happy, “sorry I took such a hard instance, but I’m very excited,” he spreads his arms, the computers behind him, “I’m back!”

Alex looks down at the paper, his psych evaluation signed and stamped by the DEO’s appointed psychologist, proving he's ready for duty. Things used to be easier, before the whole transparency policy thing; now they can’t afford to wave off technicalities, not even for analysts. But that’s fine, it’s all in the past now. Alex looks gravely at the paper, checking out both front and back, then fixes him with a critical stare. It goes on for a full minute, enough to make him nervous, but a smile breaks out on her face, and she pulls him into a hug, “welcome back!”

“Too strong, can’t breathe,” he wheezes dramatically, as she releases him, lightly punching his arm in retaliation. The familiarity of being back is an exciting breath of fresh air, a lungful of home a month into his return. Now, finally, things are settling into what they should be. “Thanks, Director. Alex. Director Alex?”

She snorts, “you know Alex is fine. But,” she picks her tablet back up, his paperwork handed to another agent to take to HR. “Tomorrow, you’re back tomorrow.”

“But Alex,” he whines, following her around the command center, “I’ve got all the paperwork, and I’m so bored. Come on, there’s got to be something for me to do.”

“HR needs to sign off first,” she stops, turning back to him, “go home. You’re still on vacation, go do something fun– you know, I would love to go on vacation.”

“No, you would not, Alex Danvers. You’d go stir crazy, like me. Please?”

“Go home.”

“Or,” he blocks her path again, “I could go work into upgrades for your weapons! I have so many ideas– I was right, by the way, magnets are the future! There are so many things I want to do with that– it wouldn’t be so bad, right? I wouldn’t even be near the real work stuff.”

There’s a pause, and Alex bites her lip, considering his suggestion. And Winn, he can see she’s swayed by his argument, she wants to agree with him, but Brainy, of course, chooses that moment to join the conversation “I couldn’t help overhearing,” he says, not at all apologetic, “but do I need to remind you cannot use technology not yet invented? Rushing the timeline could have disastrous consequences.”

Damn it. “Look,” Alex says, taking Brainy by the shoulders and pushing him towards Winn, “you have a shiny new boyfriend, go have fun. Go celebrate, or something.”

“But, Director, I’m–”

“Going to take the rest of the day off, yes.” She gestures the computer beside them, the DEO logo floating idly on the screen, and the team of agents sitting on their desks, waiting on standby. “Contrary to popular belief, we do have an entire team of very capable analysts that can hold down the fort without either of you for one day. Besides, everything’s calm since New Year’s Eve, it’ll be fine.” She makes a face, “and to be honest, both of you never take a day off and it’s beginning to look bad on us. Don’t you go on dates? It’s like you’re always here.”

Well. What can they say to that? Brainy is looking a little shocked from the sudden turn of events and that does make Winn feel a little better. Serves him right for being a stick in the mud and ruining his plans. So he swings an arm around Brainy, pulling him closer, and grins, “what? Of course we go on dates.”

“All the dates,” Brainy adds, helpfully, and Winn grits his teeth through a smile.

“Yeah, what he said. And on that note,” he makes a show of glancing at his watch. “We are going on one right now, right, darling?”

“We are?” Winn gives him a meaningful look. “I mean, yes! We shall take advantage of this unexpected yet unquestionably welcome free time.”

Alex snickers, “okay, you guys go do that and give me some peace and quiet for a change, okay?”

“You know you love us!” He calls back, already steering Brainy with him towards the exit.

He hears Alex sigh, “unfortunately,” and laughs.

*

One good thing about going grocery shopping in the middle of the afternoon is the lack of people around. It’s kind of like walking around inside of a Walmart at 2 am, but with less of a liminal vibe. And also, it’s a Wednesday, so vegetables are cheaper.

The government really doesn’t pay them enough.

But greens are for later, now he pauses on the cereal section of the aisle, looking for his favorite brand. After this, he should probably buy at least enough stuff for some homemade meals this week, eating that much take out can’t be good for his health. Or his bank account.

“Is this what you’d call a date?” Brainy asks, sounding genuinely curious. He’s taken over pushing their cart a few aisles ago, after claiming Winn was more likely to bump into the piled cans in the middle of the store. Which is a lie, for the record, it was one not-even-that-close call. “Picking out unhealthy food?”

“No, it’s what we’d call running errands,” Winn answers distractedly, throwing carelessly a cereal box in the cart. Now, to the mac-and-cheese. “In fact, I told you didn’t have to come with me.”

“And I told you I had to, in case Alex called looking for either of us,” he picks up the cereal, frowning as he reads the back of the box like a nerd, “did you know this is extremely bad for your health?”

Winn rolls his eyes, “you don’t even have a phone. And yes, I did know that, but you can’t give me crap about my food, you eat pizza and that’s nowhere near healthy either.”

“I don’t eat it every day,” Brainy shrugs, putting it back down with a disgusted face beside the orange juice. Then, he pauses, rooting for something in his pocket, “I do have a phone, here.”

He hands Winn his phone as if Winn would need proof it was, indeed, the real thing, and not a cardboard cutout. “What? But you said you didn’t have one before! When did you have time to buy this?”

Brainy smirks, a mischievous glint in his eyes that Winn hadn’t seen before. It lights up his face, makes him look younger, almost carefree. “Yes, I was-- I believe the term is messing with you.”

“What?” Winn gapes, watching frozen as he pushes the cart past him and towards the wrong side of the store. “Since when do you have a sense of humor?”

It’s a stupid, baseless insult, made just to rile him up, and they both know it. “You have been gone for a while, Winslow.”

“Hey, low blow, dude.” And the thing is if it had from anyone else, it would have been. But while Winn had been gone, so had Brainy, from his own point of view, and he still is. So the joke slides off easily, brushed off with a laugh, “and you gotta stop calling me that, man. You’re my fake-boyfriend, it’s super weird.”

“I guess so,” Brainy lets Winn lead them back to the boxed mac-and-cheese, looking thoughtful, “although old habits are hard to break, I’m bound to slip up.”

“That’s fine, we can play it off,” he begins waving him off when an idea hits him, stopping him dead on his tracks, “dude. Pet names, we need to come up with pet names.”

Apparently, someone has already explained to him the concept of pet names, because Brainy shuts him down emphatically. “No, absolutely not. That would be entirely unnecessary.”

“No, we gotta! It’s tradition,” Winn grins, leaning against the cart to bat his eyelashes overly flirty, “babe?”

“No,” Brainy gives him an unimpressed look.

“Sweetums?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Cupcake?”

“You will not call me after a type of cake.”

“Pumpkin?”

“Or fruits.”

“Honey?”

“I will kill you.”

“Darling? Come on, I’ve used this one before, it’s not so bad!”

Brainy sighs tiredly, looking up as if asking the skies for patience. “Fine, that is the lesser evil. You may use it on occasion.”

“You know I’m never using your name again now, right?” Winn grins, leaning back and waiting a few seconds before, “darling.”

“I do,” he gives the cart a light push, nudging Winn to start walking again. Brainy’s making a show of sounding annoyed, but he knows better. The barely concealed small smile on his face betrays him– he’s finding this funny too. “You are insufferable. Weren’t you going to buy that box of lies?”

“Are you talking about the mac-and-cheese?” Winn laughs, moving after the cart hits his legs again.

“Yes, but if you think that is any real macaroni or cheese on that,” he scoffs, “you are a bigger fool than I thought.”

“Dude, you are so going to try the mac-and-cheese,” he dumps four boxes on the cart, raising an eyebrow in challenge, “and you’re gonna like it.”

“I most certainly will not,” Brainy tells him matter-of-factly, swapping the boxes with the orange juice. He looks up to find Winn watching him, and shrugs, going defensive, “what? The frozen chicken was going to make the cardboard soggy.”

“Didn’t say anything,” Winn raises his hands in front of his chest, grinning, “come on, I need vegetables too.”

“Finally, something that will not kill you in ten to twenty years.”

*

Winn dumps his grocery bag on the kitchen table, making space for Brainy to do the same with his armful of bags. “I want to say show off, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll say thanks for helping me bring all this up.”

“That is still saying show off,” Brainy points out, amused.

“Yes, but I was sneaky about it,” he answers easily, “you should take notes.”

“You are welcome,” Brainy tells him, still begrudgingly amused. He glances at the clock, “but I should go.”

“Really? Don’t wanna stay and try the true all-American mac-and-cheese?”

“Wasn’t it originally from France?”

“Yeah, but this one is the American version– one hundred percent processed and comes in a box.”

He snorts, “thank you, but no. It’s getting late, I need to return to the DEO. I told the cab driver I would only be a minute, he’s waiting.”

“Right, sure, but wait– here’s my number,” he scribbles quickly on the back of a takeout flier, handing it over, “text me later so I’ll have yours. We should have each other’s numbers, that’s dating 101,” he pauses, just now realizing it, “actually, that’s being friends 101.”

Brainy nods, folding the paper carefully and putting in his pocket. “I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hesitates at the door, turning with a smile, “welcome back, Winslow.”

And then he’s gone, closing the door behind him. Winn shakes his head, going back to putting away his groceries. Today sure didn’t go as he had initially expected, but hey, he did finally fill out all the paperwork to go back to work. He even went over everything on his admittedly sloppy shopping list, that’s more adulting than he’d thought he would manage today. And, if he had to, under penalty of death and only after swearing to tell the truth, and only the truth, then Winn would have to admit, it was kind of fun.

But whatever, tomorrow’s a brand new day and– his phone buzzes with a new text.

Don’t save it under some ridiculous contact name, the unknown number threatens.

i would never, Winn texts back, grinning, and saves it under darling, adding a heart for good measure. Note to self: send a screenshot of this later.

[hazeleyedfloozy]

Lucky Blue Flannel Part 5.

Hellllllooooo friends! It is I! Your friendly (annoying) neighborhood fangirl that has a thousand things she should be doing but decided to write instead lmao. (Laundry?? I don’t know her.)

Anyway!!! This is a longer installment, and angsty as hell. Soooo you know the drill. 

CW’s: Drugging, abuse, therapy, anxiety, PTSD, mental health, etc. I don’t believe there’s any use of swear words; but just be cautious. I’m giving this a Mature Audiences rating, due to the mentions of drugging/ mental health and therapy. 

ALSO. The scene with Dr. Williamson is inspired by a real life experience I had with my own therapist. I in no shape or form am a psychologist or claim to be one. 

You looked bad. Your eyes puffy and full of wet, soggy tears; drenching your already-soaked tear stained cheeks. Your hair was covering your face, masking the tears. You hadn’t had a day like in forever. Days like these, you’d usually call Mark; who’d send take-away and usually end up staying late into the night, talking you out of the episode that had spiraled out of control.

You weren't always like this. There used to be another part to you. A part that was free. Someone who laughed at the small things, danced in the rain, and never minded what others thought of her. You missed her. You missed the girl you once knew.

What happened to you?

Katie Williamson, a doctor of psychology and the best damn therapist the world had to offer; had decided to take you on as a client, six months after you were first experiencing symptoms. The fatigue, the never ending nights of insomnia, panic attacks that you were positive were the end of all common and true thought. Katie had diagnosed you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“I didn’t always used to be like this…” The sobs spilled out of you uncontrollably.

“Do you perhaps think that something might have caused what you’re feeling, Y/N?”

“I…” You started, afraid to finish your sentence. Dr. Williamson (Katie, she always preferred to be referred to as) looked at you with trusting eyes.

“I… was… I… was…” You hiccuped.

“Take your time. It’s okay. You are safe here. You don’t have to be scared.”

“There was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life.  We were close friends. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You croaked. The words seems to tumble out of you faster than you ever thought your tongue could manage.

“Y/N… did something… did you report him?” Katie asked softly, her eyes now deep with fury.

“I tried… but the school recommended that I find another position some place else. It’s why I have the job I do now… and I don’t regret that for a second because my kids are my reason…”

“Reason for?”

“Reason to believe that I might make it out of this alive.” You sobbed.

It had been two years since you first told Katie about your experience. You’d been going to see her weekly for the first six months, then monthly afterward. Though you hadn’t seen her in quite a bit of time. Earlier that afternoon, (pre panic attack) you'd scheduled an appointment to meet her the following Monday. It was Friday. Meaning you had three days of trying to pull yourself together enough to face the outside world. You’d promised John you’d attend the after-party for Queen’s gig this evening; but knew deep inside that you wouldn’t be able to pull it together by dinnertime.

You saw your attacker that morning. You’d started the morning off right, with a early work out at the gym. You’d forgotten to pack breakfast, so you stopped at your favorite coffee stand just three blocks away from your work.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is it Star Girl in the flesh?” Your attacker whispered in your ear, standing eerily close to you at the coffee stand. You shuttered; almost falling to the ground in fear. Star-Girl was the nickname he’d given you when he first heard you sing. You’d become close friends, and you trusted him.

“It’s me.” You shrugged, pulling your most treasured blue flannel tighter to you. Katie had coached you through how to know what a trigger might feel like; this was definitely one of them.

“What… did our fun little outing make you SOOO upset you just had to leave the school? You know they gave me a two week suspension because of you. Little slut. I’m positive you just drank too much and regretted it after!!!” The venom in his words struck your skin as if a snake had actually sank it’s teeth into your forearm.

“You liked it…” He continued, whispering into your ear. You felt the anger rise in your belly; and suddenly, your fist made contact with his jaw. Falling to the ground in pain, he desperately tried to trip you with one hand wrapped around your ankle. The anger and frustration still searing through your body; you kicked your boot into his stomach. You continued to wail on the man; every punch a goodbye letter to all of the horrible feelings he’d drawn upon you since the incident. With every kick, you said goodbye to the man that had changed your life forever.

“Alright… alright!!! Break it up!!!” Called the barista from behind the coffee stand. You cowered in fear, knowing he was still just feet away from you.

The coffee stand made sure you made it home safely; buying you a cab to get you back to your flat.

Sarah was the only person in your personal life that knew about your experience, and guarded it tightly to her heart. You grimaced at the clock; knowing that John’s gig was about to end.

You tried to put yourself together, but it was no use. It was nonsense trying to put a happy face on, even if for the man you adored so much. You’d been going on dates, spending loads of time with John.

You were falling in love. Plain and simple. You hadn’t told John about what happened to you; and you hoped that day would never come. But here you were; puffy eyed and so shaken up. The phone rang; you lifted yourself gently from the couch to answer it.

“Hello… this is Y/N.” You whispered, knowing it would be John on the other end.

“Love… are you alright?” He asked.

“I’m… I’m…” You sobbed into the phone.

“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” He gently spoke into the phone.

He was at your flat in what seemed like only two minutes. He was holding a box of carry out; along with a single red rose. You smiled softly at him; knowing you’d have to explain everything.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong, love?” He whispered lovingly as you sat on the couch. His fingers traced your forearms lovingly, knowing that it was a calming mechanism of your own design.

“I saw him today.” You whispered, sobs threatening to break your now almost calm state.

“Whom, love?”

“I… here was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You slowly broke the news. His soft, gentle features turned into anger as you explained your situation.

“Where is this person?” He asked, lifting himself off the couch; grabbing his jacket.

“Why?” You asked

“I’m gonna kill him.” He whispered. His fists were clenched with anger; those beautiful eyes you were falling in love with a shade of red.

“John… stop it. I’m okay.” You whispered, running to shut the door he’d swung open. You latched the door behind the two of you; your eyes wet with new tears.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because I was scared you would…”

“I would?” He questioned.

“I didn’t want you to loose interest in me or think I was too much.” You murmured.

His eyes became red with tears; struggling to remain completely together, a sob snuck out of the bassist’ throat.

“Can I hold you, please?” He said through sobs. You nodded slowly. He took you in his arms, scooping every last inch of you into his chest. He pressed his forehead to your own; your tears intertwining. You hadn’t realized John was so in touch with emotions.

“I could never… ever think less of you. You are my sun, my moon and all of the stars in the sky.” He mused, kissing your forehead.

“Are you taking love lessons from Brian now?” You joked, kissing his cheek.

“He’s the one who should be taking lessons from me.” He nudged you. There were several moments of him holding you, you holding him; being tangled in each other’s embrace.

“I promise… I will never let anything bad happen to you, ever again.” He softly spoke, running his hands over your forearms again.

After a quiet night of watching films, eating a copious amount of take out, and finishing off the night with a batch of cookie dough. (Lets be honest, were you ever planning to bake the dang cookies anyway?) You’d decided to hit the hay. John had never stayed the night before; but you’d planned to ask him at some point.

“John…”

“Y/N..” You began to talk over each other. You stopped talking, wanting to hear that precious voice of his fill the quiet flat.

“I was wondering… perhaps… I could come over for breakfast tomorrow? I just don’t want to be away from you for that long…” He smiled shyly.

“You can stay the night… you’d have to borrow one of my flannels to sleep in though.” You warned, a sly smile appearing across your face.

“I know the exact one.” He laughed.

You never knew how beautiful someone was until you saw him sleeping next to you. You’d spent the past twenty minutes admiring the lad; who’d fallen asleep quickly. “John… are you awake?” You whispered.

“Now I am…” He grumbled.

“I just… I’m really happy.” You whispered, kissing his cheek.

“I am as well, sweetheart. I love you…” John whispered, kissing your shoulders and bringing you into him. His hands slipped around your frame; almost cradling you.

“I love you, too.” You responded, squeezing his strong arms as sleep washed over the both of you.

ANYWAY HI yes I hope you all like this installment! Please be kind if you have any comments or suggestions! Don’t go breaking my heart. (Pun totally intended) anyway if anyone would like an imagine or a headcannon just send them my way!! Love you all! You are enough!

[moodybunnyxd]

Twisted Mind || Yandere!Taehyung x Reader ||

[ Taehyung x Reader ] || One-shot ||

Yandere AU!

Description: No one could be as heinous as him. He was the replica of Satan himself. He sees violence as his weapon, enemies as his barrier and you as his prize. Things work differently from his perspective, for he has a twisted mind.

A/N: Helloooo! This is my first time to write here on Tumblr! And as you can see, I picked a yandere theme for a start! ^^ Yandere themes are one of my favorite genre of story xD And ooooh, look who I chose for the role~ Interested? I see. Then what are you waiting for? You can read the story now! Oh, and, thank you for reading in advance! I hope you’ll like it!

Word Count: 7,299 words.

    "I am Kim Taehyung."

     Wha--...What...?

     Your heart strated beating faster as panic swirls in you. Hands turning cold the moment those four words reached your ears, you loosen your tight grip on the gun; making it fall to the ground. Your breathing became uneven as your brain processed everything.

     "I don't--...I don't understand everything..."

     His footsteps started getting near while you on the other hand, backed away in fear. You were shaking and that thought alone made you sick inside. It made you furious that he can visibly see you fearing his presence.

     "Oh darling, you don't have to understand anything..."

     Sharp intake of breaths and his footsteps were the only sound that resonated through the dark alley; in which the place where he dragged you against your will. As he came closer with only few feet away from you, tears brimmed in your eyes and fear was eating you up. You were hyperventilating, hands shaking terribly as they made their way to cover your ears. You want to hear nothing but complete silence, not even the steps of the monster that was after you. Your eyes were closed tightly, tears spilling from them, then came streaming down your cheek.

     It was him. It was him all along! The one that caused nightmares, the one that sent terrors to the deaths of each and every innocent person that he laid his eyes on; mistaking them for being his prey, for being his rival that has connections with his possession --as he claims it-- for at least 3 months. 3 freaking months! And sadly, it was your reality. It was your turn to feel the horror that was brought upon his previous late love interests. Yes, late.

     Your eyes shot open as you felt the touch on your head that belonged to the twisted man in front of you. His deep and resonant voice ringed in your ears as the next words rolled off his tongue.

     "...Just know that you're mine, that's all."

    "Come in."

     As your answer was registered through the other side of the door, a familiar face peeped into the room before allowing himself to freely enter your office. As he carefully closed the door, you noticed that he was dressed in casual clothes that consists of plain white shirt, denim jacket, that goes in blend with his knee-cut jeans. In his hands are two paper bags --in which you assumed are food-- as he places it on your table. Your eyes travelled to his face as you were met with his adorable grin that represented those of the rabbit's. His eyes glimmered in joy upon seeing you the moment he stepped in and that alone made you smile at the thought.

     "Mr. Jeon...uh, take a seat." You then gestured to the seat in front of your table. "Uhm, your follow-up appointment is already done. Not to be rude but, what are you still doing here?"

     The male in front of you chuckled as he sat down. Hearing that made you feel pleased. Time really does fly so fast, huh?

     He ran his hand through his soft hair as he let out another smile which seemed to grew wider than before. "C'mon, drop the formality; we're friends! Hmm, I guess you still haven't eaten something, so why not bring you food?"

     A light-hearted laugh escaped your lips. "Thank you, Jungkook-ah." Your eyes then scanned his figure; noticing some few changes physically.

     "Hm, I see you've been doing well just by looking at you."

     "Well, it's because of you who took care of me. I swear those anti-depressants that you gave were really killing me." He let out a snicker as a flashback played in his mind. "Back then, I almost wanted to escape from here."

     "Hey, at least you got better..." As you trailed off, your eyes then flashed a look of pain as memories flooded your brain. "If it wasn't for those...you'd still be here, in that same condition as before."

     A hand rested on your shoulder. It's grip tightened and you can tell how worried he was as he saw your pained expression. "Yah. Don't be like that. I'm fine now due to our sessions, remember?"

     "...Yeah. You're right."

     Silence then took its place. It wasn't a disturbing nor an unsettling one; it was a comforting silence that engulfed you two. The scribbling of your pen and ticking of the clock was the only sound that was heard inside your room. You were quite immersed in your work that you haven't even looked up to Jungkook as he asked you a question.

     "So, what have you been doing these past 7 weeks while I was discharged from here, besides having follow-up appointment with me?"

     By his question, a sudden wave of anxiousness washed over you. You didn't notice it, but as you drew your attention on him, you saw how his expression dropped that caused you to think of how you reacted to his question. You massaged your head as you wanted to ease the throbbing pain away.

     Turning back to him, you smiled faintly as you say the words. "It was hectic here...especially when one of my patients got out of this hospital."

     "How's it going now?"

     "Not so good." You said as you pulled out a newspaper out of the drawer then looked at it's content. Just reading it makes you so stressed. "According to our guards, they saw him going for his escape and tried to get him back, but all of that were in vain. He managed to break his way out; without leaving any traces of himself. He's currently being searched by our search team together with some cops."

     A sigh escaped your lips. "Few weeks ago, he had become a dangerous patient of mine. He's out of control, as if he wants some bloodshed, as if he's having bloodlust." Every word that came out sent shivers down your spine. You feared this kind of situation, especially if it means risking the safety of others.

     "Until one day, he was not seen in his room. He escaped. His room was a mess, scribbling on the walls were there saying about his revenge and all."

     Jungkook felt like he was splashed with cold water upon hearing your words. He knew you weren't joking, not in this kind of matter. Yet what scared him the most was your last words.

     "But what gave us goosebumps are his two assigned nurses...lying on the ground, surrounded by the pool of their own blood."

     You felt like vomiting by just remembering the scene. Their necks are snapped in a different angle and were lacerated by a knife lying near the nurses, with blood pouring badly out of them. Numerous stabs were spotted from their bodies, some are even worse than the others. Some of their flesh are already cut wide open; it's almost like you can see their organs. From the looks of it, they were tortured to death.

     As the stomach churning memory ran through your brain, you didn't notice how your hands were trembling. They became cold in an instant and you felt as if they were numb. Your chest feels heavy as you take deep breaths to calm yourself down. Jungkook noticed this and tried to calm you too. He rubbed your arm repeatedly in hopes of making yourself feel better.

     "Y/N, everything will be alright. Whoever that patient of yours is, I'm sure they'll find that person soon."

     You chewed your bottom lip; the anxious feeling never leaving your chest. Your heart was beating fast, yet you still managed to put up your stoic expression to the best you could. "Thanks for the encouraging words, Kookie."

     In response, Jungkook pouted his lips. "Kookie? New nickname for me?"

     "Well, you just called me by my first name, so might as well give you a nickname."

     "Kookie, what do you mean you're gonna be late?" You tapped your fingers repeatedly on the table as you waited for an answer on the other line on the phone.

     "Well, turns out, there's a heavy traffic here..."

     "Aiish. I knew this would happen." You sighed for what seem to be the millionth time. "Just get here, will you?"

     "Uhh, about that...I think we should just...you know, change place?"

     "What?!" By this time, glances from the other customers at the restaurant were directed to you. As you tried to maintain your composure, you bit the inside of your cheek; not wanting to attract more creeped out gazes from others. "Okay. Tell me where."

     As he told you the location, you immediately walked your way out of the resto, driving to the place where he wants you to meet up.

     Ever since the day he went to your office, you two became closer. Though you still prioritized the thought of being just a psychologist to him, he still managed to crawl his way into your heart, but not in a romantic way, you tell yourself. He keeps on getting you accompanied by himself, he manages to put a smile on your face, and he keeps you entertained by his antics. He was much more different than his depressed self. His dull eyes, stoic expression, pale face and his problems were the reasons that drove you to do your best to cure him, to give him therapies and medicines that will help him through his suffering; just like what you do to your other patients too. And by the results, you were more than satisfied. You were ecstatic to see him back to his normal self, that he was able to see light from the darkness he's been in.

     And so, here you are now, instead of using your free time to get some plenty rest as possible, you were driving your way to the place Jungkook told you to go to. Though tiredness seemed to be eating your system up, you still pushed the feeling away in order to get to your destination on time. You pressed harder on the gas pedal, steering your wheel to your left, shifting gears, then finally parking up in front of a café. Realizing it was the one that you really wanted to go to for a long time now --if it weren't for your packed schedule-- your mouth was slightly hanging open, look of disbelief written on your face. It took you a few seconds before finally having the courage to step out from the car and heading inside the café shop.

     As you walked your way inside, you easily spotted Jungkook occupying a table not far from the entrance door. You quickly approached him, greeting him in the process. "Yah, did I make you wait?"

     "No, not at all. Sit down, I have something to tell you."

     You sat down as you crossed your arms and narrowed your eyes at him. "And what is that supposed to be? I hope it's something good."

     "Unfortunately, it's not." His hand made its way on his nape as he rubbed it sheepishly. "Have you heard the news?"

     Curiosity began to form in your gut as you leaned your elbows on the table. "News? About what?"

     "News about the killings. There has been a lot of killings lately, and according to the news, it seems that one person only did it."

     "How come?"

     "By how the victims were killed." Jungkook's voice faltered as he said the words. Fear is evident from his tone of speaking. "It is said that all of the victims have the same spot for their cuts, there were incisions, and some are...even losing few of their organs." By now, you can see how frightened Jungkook is. His lips were trembling, hands gripping the edge of the table tightly that his knuckles turned white.

     You, on the other hand, weren't getting his point. Though you're fully aware of yourself that you haven't been listening intently --but still trying to understand what he was saying-- you still can't get it. Dang this drowsiness of mine. What does this have to do with you? Where is he going with this? "Don't get mad or anything but...what's exactly your point?"

     He clicked his tongue upon hearing your question. "My point is, I want you to be careful, okay? Especially these days. I don't know if he's targeting for a specific person or, --who knows?-- if he's just starting a random killing spree...It's just that, we don't know if that killer is ready to attack or not." He then sighed deeply as he looked at you with those eyes that are full of worry.

     You sat there completely out of words. Is he really that concerned? Wow. You didn't expect this meeting to go this way. Silence lingered in the air as you tried to think of a response. "I--...I, uh. Okay...?"

     "Yah. Take this seriously."

     "Okay, okaaay. I'll be careful. So, now can we order?"

     "Y/N! Why-- Why are you here...?"

     "You forgot your tupperware at my office the last time you visited, genius. Here, I'm giving it ba--"

     "Aiish!"

     You noticed it. How can you not? It's obvious just by one look at him. Dark circles under his eyes, pale skin, droopy eyes, it's like he didn't get any sleep at all! "Kookie, you look terrible. What happened?"

     "Nothing --I'll take that-- now go home."

     "Kookie, you don't look good. C'mon, is something bother--"

     "I said nothing so go home...!" He whisper-yelled.

     It was unusual of him to act like this. Jungkook was far from that. Were you too pushy? Maybe you disturbed him? Yes, he's a human and it's normal for him to act like that, but it still won't erase the fact that it worries you. He seems anxious about something, which troubles you, but what could it be? He said it last week that everything's stable for him, so what's the acceptable reason for him to be behaving like this?

     "Y/N, please...go home. It's not safe for you here, remember what I said at the café shop?"

     "Jungkook, I don't understand what's happening here. First of all, it's 4:04 pm. What kind of danger that could be lurking around at this kind of hour?"

     He suddenly gripped both of your shoulders, shaking you a bit. "Anything! Now, listen to me. Turn around and go on your way home."

     "No." You refused firmly. A stern and cold look displayed on your features. "You're acting completely different and I wanna know why."

     "That killer is near around here!" That simple whisper became the loudest thing you ever heard.

     Your ears are fooling you, right? Jungkook's just kidding with you. "Are you joking me?"

     "Why would I joke with this, Y/N? I'm telling the truth!" Without wasting any time, he swiftly dragged you inside his house and he closed the door.

     "He's here, Y/N...! He already found his next victim...!"

     You shook your head at him; seeing his words unbelievable. "But, Jungkook...this is a subdivision. A secured one at that. How would someone dangerous like him enter this place?"

     "He has his ways! Y/N, please believe me..."

     As his pleading fell into your ears, something inside you made you doubt. Was Jungkook really okay within these past few days? Come to think of it, he didn't pay any visit at my office a couple of days ago... You looked at him again, uncertainty swims at your [E/C] orbs as you stare at his own chocolate brown ones that reflects a great amount of fear at this moment. You reached out for his arms, rubbing them soothingly as you tried to calm him down. "Kookie, please. Tell me what happened to you on the days you weren't visiting me. I need to know."

     Hesitation and as well as agitation was written on Jungkook's face. His attention was drawn upon you, confused eyes staring at yours. He took a deep breath as he gathered his courage to tell you what perturbed him within the last few days.

     "I saw him last night sitting by my window. He was here."

     "Kookie, open the door!" You shouted as you knocked at his bedroom door; cries could be heard inside. His place was a mess. Everything was trashed with the tables upside down, broken vase, some papers lying around that makes the place barely recognizable.

     As the cries got unbearably intolerable, your face twisted into a painful expression. The thought of not being able to help him disturbs you. The more you hear him cry, the strong the urge to break down the door gets. You twisted the doorknob in a fast manner only to find it locked. As much as you hated it, you resorted to your last option. Stepping back, you gathered enough strength and at a high speed, you lifted up your leg and kicked the door hardly. This went on for a few times before the door went down.

     There he was, sitting on his bed, with his knees pressed near to his body while his hands are gripping his hair tightly. Tears that were streaming down his face seemed endless, each tear came rolling down his chin, then drenching his shirt. His lips were quivering like those of a kid who just got his lollipop stolen. His eyes that are closed tightly, unknown to you, held so much panic that no one would ever think he could have. His eyes that served as his soul's window, always displayed a set of stars, or rather a sea of stars that by this time, turned into an empty, dull orbs that no longer glistens, as his fear clouded his mind and vision. At this, your heart broke into pieces that almost brought tears to your eyes.

     As you approached him by seating on his bed in front of him, you immediately engulfed him by your comfortably tight hug. His cries didn't die down, instead it only got worse as his shoulders tremble with each and every cry of him. You cupped his face in your hands, wiping his tears with your thumbs while he holds your arms. "Kookie, Kookie...shh...don't cry..."

     Your eyes examined his figure. From his tear-stained face to his drenched shirt, your vision travelled lower until your eyes landed on his wrists which has suspiciously red marks. Even his neck has one too; a hand-shaped red mark encircling his neck to be exact.

    Then it clicked.

     Your head snapped up immediately upon the realization; your whole being mortified by what you saw. Was he...

     "Jungkook." You looked into his eyes firmly; demanding for answers. "Who did this to you?"

     Just then, Jungkook flinched as you ran your fingers over his red marks. His eyes showed terror, mouth slightly open as he tried to look for words. "...Y-Y/N...I--"

     "Answer. Me." Your eyes dangerously flashed a look of anger, or maybe it was beyond than that as you saw how Jungkook cowered at your sight. It hurt you to see him like that. But then you concluded that it hurts even more to know that someone had dared to lay a finger on him, your patient; your friend. "Tell me and we'll take a legal action against that. This is more than absurd! No one has the right to choke you and tie your wrists!"

     As you snapped at this revelation of abusive act against him, he felt himself on the verge of crying. The cruelty he had received changed his life bit by bit. And it's because of that guy. Yes, he wants to take a legal action about it too. He was scared for life...but then, if he does that...Y/N will be dragged in this. I can't let it happen!

     "Kookie, tell me who did this..." You held his hand tightly; reassuring him that everything will be alright. "Don't be afraid to speak up."

     ...Sorry, but I can't, Y/N.

     He only shook his head and stared at your eyes. Silence enveloped you two and you were left there shocked. You don't get it quite right. You were dazed by his response. As your eyes were getting clouded by your tears, you somehow saw Jungkook lowered his head and slowly, he leaned his head at your shoulder; much to your surprise. Tears finally spilled down your cheeks as you felt the fabric of your shirt near your neck get drenched by his tears. You took a deep breath as you tried maintaining your composure, only letting Jungkook be the one crying at that moment.

     He took a few deep breaths before finally having the courage to speak up; telling you his thoughts. "Y/N...I'm sorry if as your patient, I can't cooperate with the things you ask right now. Things are confusing and at the same time dangerous..." He bit his lower lip; anxiousness swirling inside him. "I can't risk on letting you be in danger." His soft and mild words reached your ears; indicating he was more than afraid of whatever is happening with him. Yes, you were scared knowing that it was risky, but it's the same case with him. You can't just ditch him and let himself be hurt with your own selfishness. It's just not right.

     "I won't know how dangerous it is if you don't tell me." You reasoned while stroking his hair.

     Suddenly, Jungkook lifted his head hastily; eyes glistening in fear. "You-- You don't understand...! He's quite-- He's quite dangerous! He's too dangerous for you...!"

     He was shaking. Sweat dripping down his forehead, his ragged breaths, his tight grip on your arms; it all revealed his hysteria. It had a great impact on him; you knew it. But little did you know that his last words will cause you to feel the same.

     "He's after you, Y/N...!"

     You woke up to another silent night. Only silence lingered around; almost deafening you. As you looked out of the window, you saw the moon above shining brightly; its calming light illuminating your room you were sleeping in. Your mind wondered how many days it has been since you moved in together with Jungkook, how many days it has been since his nightly screams that would instantly jolt you up, making you scramble on your feet towards his room. It was quite tiring yet, you didn't regret it as it was your job as his psychologist to check up on him and ensure his safety and well-being. Or was it human nature as his friend?

     You sighed and closed your eyes. As you shake off all the negative thoughts that were starting to invade your mind, you stood up and headed to the kitchen to get some glass of water. Silently, you walked down the corridor with your light footsteps, hands fiddling the hem of your shirt, until you passed by Jungkook's bedroom. A sudden thought crossed your mind. He hasn't been screaming for some time now, has he?

     You walked towards his door, slowly reaching for the doorknob. For some reason, you can't get why you're having this kind of bad feeling. Your heart was pounding hard against your chest; cold sweat rolled down your forehead. Your breath hitched in your throat; hands becoming numb in an instant. Still, you brushed it off, thinking that maybe he finally got a peaceful sleep. The little debate inside your head went on for a minute before deciding to see it for yourself. As you came in contact with the cold metal that would open to the other side of the door, you slowly twisted it; gently pushing it open, only to meet an empty bed with disheveled blanket and pillows set aside. With that, you went downstairs in hopes of finding him there; whether it may be in the bathroom or kitchen, anywhere inside the house.

     As you wandered around, you listened carefully in case there are some sounds that would resonate inside. You checked every room; bathroom, living room, dining area, kitchen, patio, but there are still no traces of him. By this, your heart was hammering inside non-stop, faster than it was before. Quick breaths of yours ringed in your ears, worst scenarios playing inside your head. You checked every room again, maybe 3 times more than you remembered, until you broke down in the kitchen; tiring yourself of thinking where he could be. As your eyes scanned your surroundings, something caught your eyes on something stuck on the fridge. You went to read it; peeling off the sticky note.

     Y/N, sorry for going out without telling you. I just can't help to not disturb your peaceful slumber. If ever you're reading this, you can find me in this address.

                                                 [Written address]

     Once you finished reading the note, you immediately changed into your casual clothes and went out; heading towards the address given in it. Cool breeze meets your skin; sending shivers down your spine. It was peculiar, especially for you who liked cool wind. The feeling was off.

     Way off to your liking.

     With that, you walked faster; your mind driving you crazy to the point that you almost ripped your hair off your head due to frustration. Your hands were trembling even though you tried to tell yourself that Jungkook's alright, as proven by the note. Or so you thought.

     Your legs brought you in front of a mini-grocery store; making your brows furrowed. What baffled you is that the store is closed; with no signs of someone working inside as all the lights inside were off. Even the sign read 'Sorry, we're closed'. You looked around searching for the male; eyes frantically scanning everywhere. You walked around the area when a sudden sound reached your ears. From what you could tell, it came from a dark alley. Curiosity got the best of you as you started walking slowly towards the alley. Perhaps you may have not heard of the saying...

                                              'Curiosity killed the cat'

                                        Which led you to your doom.

     A hand suddenly grabbed you by your arm; yanking you to the dark place that became an advantage for him to hide his identity. Yes, you could tell that it was a man that pulled you just by his strength. It was no lie that he was much stronger than you as he covered your mouth to prevent you from screaming; his other hand grabbing both of your wrists from behind. You felt as though the hands of darkness were creeping upon you. Your eyes widen at what's happening. Every touch of him sent chills to the bones which you fought with all your might. You struggled from his grip as he continued to bring you to the deeper place in the alley. As you tried to get out from his hold, you felt something near from his pocket. A gun. You stealthily grabbed it; not making it obvious by moving more to be free from his hands.

     As you were brought in an illuminated area which you assumed is a 'dead end', he let you go far away from the escape route with him blocking the way. You concluded he was an armed man with a gun that you got from his gun holder earlier and a knife from his pocket. A sinister smile crept up from his lips; paralyzing you at the moment.

      "Y/N...I knew you would come."

      Wait...his voice sounded so familiar...could it be?

      "Huh? Weren't you happy to see me? Say something."

      No, no, no! That couldn't be him! Just no!

      "Y/N—"

      "Come in to the light." Your voice sounded so demanding when those words slipped out, though your expression contradicted. It showed fear and terror just by looking into your eyes. So contrasting; much to your displeasure.

     With a little help from the moon above, you could see his figure, but still not enough to identify the face. You saw him tilt his head from your words as if he was mocking you; which really worked to say the least.

      "I said come in to the light. Show yourself." You once again said, this time adding more firmness in each word. Your hands balled into fists as you tried to repress both your anger and fear; not wanting to let the mysterious guy know that you are scared from his presence.

      "If you say so."

      The guy slowly stepped forward; bathing himself from the moonlight. As the moon shone upon him, his eyes glinted in an unidentifiable expression as he looked at you hardly that could pierce right through your soul. His aura locked you in place. It was a menacing one making your blood run cold. You knew something was up and that was proved when he fully stepped out from the dark. His face that barely showed emotion; almost blank, was horrifyingly creepy as it could be. It gave you goosebumps; not to mention it made you feel colder than before. The equal shadow and light that adorned his face greatly added an effect in increasing his menacing presence which made you cower because of him.

     Pathetic. You thought as you gritted your teeth in anger.

     As you glared at him, you slowly realized why he sounded so familiar.

     That face.

     That voice.

     That stare.

     They were all so familiar to you that you trembled in fear. It's him. It's definitely him.

     Your lips quivered in fear as you registered everything. "Wai— Wait...No...It's impossible, it can't be you...!" Tears formed in your eyes; finally slapped by the realization. "You can't be him...You— You can't be Kim Taehyung...!"

     "But I am Kim Taehyung."

     You felt your whole world stop as those words sink in your brain. He was the one that Jungkook was talking about, the killer that everyone feared. His doings spread immediately all over the entire news, each and every day his number of victims killed grew more. This was what you feared for in the first place. You knew he had the ability to kill, to commit murder, to take someone's life like it was just a candy stolen from a baby. But then what you feared for the most was his ability to make someone's death look like a suicide. By that, you knew what you had to do. It's now or never.

     Slowly as you can ever be, you tried to reach your hand out for him; the thought of his skin touching yours plays in your mind that gives chills through your bones. Your lips were trembling as you attempted to speak out, "...Okay...Tae-- Taehyung..." You started, "I guess...we had a ba-- bad start, but hey, it's me, Dr. L/N Y/N..."

     He didn't back away nor moved closer near your touch. He just stood there completely still; observing every movements you made. "You-- You remember me, right...? What do you say if-- if we head back to the hospital and--"

     "What do you think I am, a fool?" His attention went onto your hands and slapped them away harshly. He was digging holes in your head by those burning glare of his. "We're going back to that hospital, and what? Lock me in there again? Like I was your prisoner or something?!"

     You flinched at his outburst. His hands were now gripping your arms tightly making you wince. "Well doctor, not a chance." He shoved you away forcefully as his rage got the best of him. "Do you have any idea how much I've endured staying in there not seeing you? Do you even know how I longed to have your presence beside mine? Do you?!" He ran a hand through his hair out of frustration, quick breaths could be heard from him. "You don't."

     You were scared-- no, terrified of the person in front of you. He's like a complete different guy from the one you've had sessions with. He was aggressive, short-tempered that anytime soon, he could explode out of fury. His dilated eyes, gritting teeth and clenched jaw made it so obvious. "And that's why...I escaped from there. You know, I couldn't quite decipher that I would have the courage to do that; to leave you there alone...with him."

     Him...?

     From being hostile to being unfazed, you watched as he quickly changes his mood. It isn't too surprising for you though as you already encountered lots of patients with the same case. However, you, on the other half, were puzzled by his last words; confusion written on your face, with your brows furrowed. As Taehyung sees this, he mockingly tilts his head to his side for the second time. "Yes, him. I don't really know how...but I do get the feeling that he was somehow...getting quite attached to you."

     He clicked his tongue, annoyed look etched on his features. Eyes glazing dangerously upon your figure, he continued to speak. "I knew I had to make a move, to make a warning for him. He was getting on my nerves...that I couldn't help myself to kill someone." A hellish chuckle escaped his lips, then twitching upwards forming a smirk. "Or should I say...some people?"

     A gasp came out from you, your hands then covering your mouth due to shock, caused by the information you've heard. So it is true...He-- He was the one Jungkook was talking about this whole time!

     Wai-- Wait, where is Jungkook?

     By that thought, you somehow got a bit of courage to ask him the main reason why you came to that place. Is he the one responsible for Jungkook's disappearance? "...Where's Jungkook...?" You breathed out.

     As his name was spoken out, he quickly lifted up a finger in the air to shush you right then and there. "Hey, hey, hey. I was just getting to his part." He closed his eyes and placed his hand on where his heart is, as his face showed a look of fake disappointment; clearly he wasn't even a tad bit entertained at the mention of his name, to be honest. "Aw, you just spoiled the surprise."

     "Sur-- Surprise? What--"

     Boom.

     Your eyes widened; the whole thing was too much for you to handle. It felt like the realization was slammed right onto your face without you even knowing it. The look on your face made Taehyung crack a smile; a wicked smile for his satisfaction. It was like his hunger for your despair filled his empty, once craving stomach. A heinous human being indeed. "You finally got the gist."

     "You-- You were talking about him...? Ju-- Jungkook?"

     "Of course, who else?"

     The once silent and eerie alley was disturbed by your shrill yells and cries. "So you were the one! You-- You were the one who tortured him! The one who mercilessly entered his house and gave him such petrifying nightmares! Ho-- How could you?!"

     Despite your screaming, Taehyung paid no mind about it. Instead, he grabbed his pocket knife and played with it; his finger tracing the sharp edge, light enough not to cut his skin. "It was simple, sweetie. It was hatred...and,

          Hatred is a beautiful thing when you know how to use it right."

     Each words felt like sharp daggers piercing right through your heart and mind. You were losing your sanity, you couldn't control yourself. You were having a mental breakdown; eyes staring apprehensively to the male in front of you. From murdering people to torturing his fellow patient, you barely knew him, even though you're fully aware of what he's capable with. Regardless of those, you're still holding on to the lies that were swimming in your mind; believing that there's still a tinge of good and kindness within him, that he would snap out of it and realize what he has done.

     As you drown yourself in your thoughts, Taehyung's deep voice cut through your own senses; snapping you back to reality. "That hatred is what I used as a weapon against Jungkook. And you were right," A devilish chortle came from his mouth, eyes glinting in mischief. "I was the one who tormented him and his pathetic, little mind. Lucky him, I didn't even give my best shot yet. Maybe next time, what do you say, hm? And I'll gladly let you be his audience when that happens."

     As each word reached your ears, anguish and madness filled you up. "Stop! You're lying...! This isn't happening...Thi-- This isn't real!" You aggressively wiped the newly formed tears in your eyes before they fall down your cheeks. Your mind was overdriven by the events in which you have no control of. "Stop this nonsense! Tell me where Jungkook is and tell me who you really are!" At this point, you don't really care what might happen ahead as you just hastily raised his gun from under your clothes, pointing it at him and at him only. "Taehyung isn't like this! Taehyung isn't like you!"

     His gaze hardened as he stared at your own figure. His eyes flickered dangerously in anger; patience currently running out fast. Drastically fast. But then, he decided to let it slip. A single thing like that isn't really his main priority when he was near in reaching his goal. He just have to make a way out of this little turbulence.

     "But this is what I've become, Y/N. There's no changing that. I was born to be like this. I chose to be like this."

     "I said stop! Don't you dare push me to my limit, or else I won't hesitate to pull the trigger."

     As seconds passed by, Taehyung knew you were at the edge of your fury. Your determined eyes locked with his, with no signs of backing out. "Then go ahead. Pull the trigger." He closed his eyes and opened his arms wide open, as if he was accepting what was about to happen. "If you want Jungkook back, kill me."

     Kill me...

     Kill me...

     Kill me...

     Those words kept ringing inside your head. You couldn't believe the words he just spitted out. You tried to calm your shaking hands, focusing the gun on him. He said it himself, his death would mean you'll get Jungkook safely, but why weren't you pulling the trigger yet? Just why?

     "See? You can't do it. You could never do it. You could never kill your patient."

     And the painful truth struck you like a lightning through your heart. It kept you in your place, the gun in your hands pointed at him shakily. He was right. You could never kill a patient, you could never kill your own patient. You remained silent at the moment, like a muted person, while staring at him blankly with wide eyes.

     "Please...please, bring Jungkook back...return the old Taehyung..." You let out a whimper, your pleads becoming a desperate call. Tears escaped your eyes as you choked on your own cries; words being spoken between sobs were barely recognizable as your own. Yet, he only stood there, like a statue, watching your own figure crumble upon his godly stance and sight; his spitefulness slowly builds up within him.

     As his eyes bore into yours, he saw something. Something that made his hatred towards the missing male burn even more. And so, through his gritted teeth, he hissed in anger, "I am Kim Taehyung."

     "Liar!"

     Bang!

     A loud gun shot resonated in the alley. Each echo sent a heart-pounding feeling through your nerves, giving you goosebumps. Your eyes were closed tightly, hands getting clammy as your breathing started getting a bit faster. There was no sound coming from him. Absolute silence surrounded you.

     Oh-- Oh no...I-- I must've killed him!

     With that thought in your mind, your eyes slowly opened. While you were adjusting your blurry vision caused by your tears, you let out a deep, unsteady breath you seemed to be holding in. As it gets clearer, time seemed to stop as the air got knocked out of your lungs. A heavy feeling in your chest started to spread as your muscles become numb; your whole body was against to what your brain was trying to tell. Your feet was glued to the ground, unable to move them as you were paralyzed at the moment.

     "What an idiotic move."

     Wha— What...?

     A maniac giggle was heard after a minute of silence you fired the gun. As the time ticked by, you didn't know how to react anymore. Were you supposed to be happy that you didn't kill him? Or were you suppose to feel the opposite because you failed to get Jungkook back?

     Your heart started beating faster as panic swirls within you. Hands turning cold the moment those four words reached your ears, you loosen your tight grip on the gun; making it fall to the ground. Your breathing became uneven as your brain processed everything.

     And then it happened.

     Fast like a lightning that tore the sky, you found it hard to breathe the second your eyes landed on his figure. He was suddenly in front of you with his eyes burning in fury. His fingers dug on your neck deeply, his palms suffocating your airway. Tears formed in your eyes as you tried to fight back; your arms were thrashing around him, desperate for freedom from his hands.

     "You think you could get away from this easily?" He was seething with every words he spoke out. "You think you could get rid of me that easily?!"

     As your vision was starting to be hazy, you used all your power that's left in you to push him hardly in order to get away from him. His touch still lingers on your neck as you coughed out from lack of oxygen. You were shaking, all of this were too much. Too much that it only made you mutter out the words. "I don't--...I don't understand everything..."

     His footsteps started getting near while you on the other hand, backed away in fear. You were shaking and that thought alone made you sick inside. It made you furious that he can visibly see you fearing his presence.

     "Oh darling, you don't have to understand anything..."

     Sharp intake of breaths and his footsteps were the only sound that resonated through the dark alley; in which the place where he dragged you against your will. As he came closer with only few feet away from you, tears brimmed in your eyes and fear was eating you up. You were hyperventilating, hands shaking terribly as they made their way to cover your ears. You want to hear nothing but complete silence, not even the steps of the monster that was after you. Your eyes were closed tightly, tears spilling from them, then came streaming down your cheek.

     It was him. It was him all along! The one that caused nightmares, the one that sent terrors to the deaths of each and every innocent person that he laid his eyes on; mistaking them for being his prey, for being his rival that has connections with his possession --as he claims it-- for at least 3 months. 3 freaking months! And sadly, it was your reality. It was your turn to feel the horror that was brought upon his previous late love interests. Yes, late.

     Your eyes shot open as you felt the touch on your head that belonged to the twisted man in front of you. His deep and resonant voice ringed in your ears as the next words rolled off his tongue.

     "...Just know that you're mine, that's all."

                            With his words, you were met with darkness.

A/N: And it’s done! Yes, I did leave an open ending for y’all. I wanna let you guys draw your own conclusions as to what happened to Jungkook, what happened to the reader and whatnot. I think it’s fun to let the reader have that, even for just once in a while xD Sooooo, with that I hope you liked reading this and enjoyed this one-shot! ^^

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[secretshinigami]

Title: It’s the little things Author: @hazblogs, Arthur For: @naive-archiviste Pairings/Characters: L Lawliet, Light Yagami, Watari, Misa Amane, A (mention), Beyond Birthday (mention) Rating/Warnings: Teen, TW for mental health discussion, dermatillomania, slight transphobia, vague description of a panic attack, some internalised ableism Prompt: 1. A story of how L and Light meet a psychologist and unexpectedly get diagnosed with something, L with Asperger’s syndrome, Light with high-functioning sociopathy. Author’s notes: Hey hey hey !!!! Here’s your gift for the sse !!!! I’m so happy to have written for you and as you’ve certainly noticed I had a lot of fun filling out your prompt. The Ryuk one was simply amazing but I don’t have the skill to write poetry (one day, one day ;^; i will maybe be strong enough !). Thank you for participating in this exchange, and I do hope you enjoy this little text. There is no pairing because you didn’t say if you wanted one and I thought it was safest not to put any, just in case. I also had… lots of fun putting some of my headcanons in, I hope you don’t mind.

This text got… kinda long haha, it’s about 7k ? And I can’t find the readmore button, which might make viewing the post complicated, sorry for that.

See you on AO3 where I will also post this story, I hope everyone likes it !

Thank you also to the mods of sse for making this exchange possible !

It’s the little things

Light looks at the therapist with nothing but distant interest – this could be useful, this could help him get hold of new techniques, this woman knows about making people talk after all. He can’t bring himself to care. Misa insisted he come, he’s here for her, no matter how stupid that sounds to him, and he’s not here to… what. Get help ? Help for what ?

He’s been silent too long and the therapist fidgets. She’s a cute woman, he thinks offhandedly, but he can’t bring himself to care. He wants to get out of here.

“The outpatient program is very nice, you’ll see,” she says eventually, probably sensing that if she doesn’t speak first, no conversation will take place. Light still isn’t sure he wants to answer, but she adds, “There’s group therapy, so you’ll meet other people who have similar issues. Well, not exactly the same,” and Light sighs internally, because what issues is she talking about, he barely opened his mouth, “but still, I think it’ll be good for you to meet other people who empathize with what you’re going through.”

This time, he actually sighs. There’s a headache starting behind his temples and his leg feels jittery, which is never a good sign. But Light is good, he doesn’t lose his temper, and waits until the end of the appointment to say, “I don’t think I need to come back.”

“I know it’s hard,” the woman answers with a sympathetic smile, “but you’ll see, it gets better. With time – and with dedication, but I’m sure you’re a very driven person, considering how much you managed to achieve in such a poor condition.”

He wants to scream. “Poor condition”, my ass. Light is perfectly ok.

His left leg has started to bounce slightly and he can’t make it stop.

ooo

L looks at the man with something akin to disgust. No, that word is too strong to be conciliated with his unending disinterest. The therapist is talking to Wammy and L drowns them out easily, focusing on the last case he had. She was found dead in her bed, front door left ajar, and not a speck left to prove there had ever been an intruder. It was such a boring case he didn’t even need to leave his room to solve it. Better this way. Less people to see him and figure out. He always hates when people figure him out.

“Ryuuzaki, please, pay attention,” Wammy says, probably not for the first time. L doesn’t really care, and wouldn’t have reacted if the nickname hadn’t been so bothering to him. Why they had to come to Japan to do this, he doesn’t know, but at least it’s better than in the States where someone might have connected the dots. He’s not as popular in Japan, if “popular” is a thing he even is.

“Ryuuzaki.”

This time, Wammy’s voice is stern enough for him to be considered somewhat serious. L thinks about why they’re here, but this time with his head tilted up, so he can pretend he’s listening. Wammy has some strange ideas. Some work, like the washing machine, some… some are like this one. “Oh, learn how to fire a gun, Lawliet, it’ll sure come in handy. Learn this, learn that, what am I gonna do with you dear god”. Ok, he might have added the last part himself – but it’s true. L sees it in the way he holds his head when L forgets to sleep or when he makes some rude comment again. Though L doesn’t personally think he’s very rude. People are.

That’s it, he thinks.

“…ki, can you repeat what I’ve just said ?” the therapist says, his eyes fixated a little too low to be looking at L’s face. Not that he’s been staring back – he actually has no idea what the man looks like – but still, this is strange, people usually insist they look at each other “in the eye” or something resembling that. L belatedly realises that he should answer. He has no idea what the man said.

Wammy sighs, like he knows L wasn’t paying attention, and the therapist repeats, “You’ll be attending group therapy as well as weekly sessions with me. I’ll also have meetings with Mr Watari, since he is your designated caretaker. Is that alright ?”

L wonders if he’s allowed to say no. Probably not, so he nods, and puts his head on his knees. They are bunched up against his chest, his bare feet clinging to the edge of the seat. He didn’t even notice he kicked his sneakers off… Wammy is gonna chide him about that afterwards, he’s sure. Oh well. Never mind. At least this time he wasn’t forced to wear socks.

“Stop biting your thumb,” Wammy says when they exit the therapist’s office. “You’re bleeding again.”

“Hm,” L murmurs, without really paying attention. “This therapist didn’t even ask for my first name.”

“That’s because he knows who you are,” he answers.

“Oh. That’s a bother, then. Why not call me L ?”

“What if people listen ?” Wammy gently says back, because he knows L hates nicknames.

L doesn’t answer, kicks his shoes off again, and dozes out for the rest of the car ride back to their hotel room.

ooo

“Light !” Misa’s shrill voice exclaims. “I knew it !” She sits down in front of him, and almost tears his newspaper apart in her haste to put it away. “I knew you weren’t going to therapy ! The doctor called me, you know ? She says you haven’t been to the last three sessions. And you’ve never even gone to group therapy.”

“It’s none of your business,” Light answers through gritted teeth. “Who are you to nag at me like that, my girlfriend ?”

Misa’s face flashes briefly with hurt before closing off. “Well,” she says, “I’m your friend.”

Right, Light thinks. Friend. He doesn’t really have any, does he ? No people close enough to him to be called that, though Misa is in fact closer than most – closer than anyone but Sayu, actually, but Sayu is his sister so it’s normal, it makes sense, while Misa is just someone who invited herself in his life without even bothering to ask if it was ok. Light doesn’t like how people look at him when he is with Misa, how their eyes go big and how they ask if they’re dating. Misa always says yes, partly to bother him, partly because it helps her with, he doesn’t know, PR stuff maybe ? Or just to be left alone. They did meet because someone was stalking her, after all.

“Light ?” she eventually says, soft and cautious. “You don’t have to go if you really don’t want to, but I am your friend, I want to help.”

“Fine,” he answers, teeth still clenched. “I’ll go to the next appointment. I’ll book one when I go home.”

“I already did,” Misa says, sheepish. “Same time next Saturday. You know, I also talked to the doctor you saw at the hospital – he’s been wondering where you’ve gone, after you left so abruptly.”

The hospital ? Light hoped he’d never hear about it again in his life, unless maybe he went there because of a job accident, but certainly not because Misa thought it was appropriate to call his father on him. There was no reason for his stay there – short stay, if he may had, he had been discharged after only three days, but it was the most humiliating experience of his life. He’d barely left his room, talked to no one but the nurses, and pretended to swallow the pills they gave him without even considering taking them.

He isn’t – what, crazy ? No, he isn’t crazy. He was just tired, and he is sleeping better now, and there is no need for Misa to interfere. His next appointment would be better used by someone else, who wouldn’t waste the therapist’s time with non-existent problems.

ooo

L watches a speck of dust float through the air, suspended in between people’s heads, like it’s held up by a beam of light, before it flutters away and disappears. It forces him to pay attention to the person the dust disappeared behind, a young man with chestnut hair and very tired eyes. He doesn’t have dark circles though, and L briefly wonders if he wears concealer.

He does, L realises after the man moves and a sheen of sweat makes the skin under his eyes appear too textured for it to not be make-up. It’s applied so sloppily even Beyond could do better, which is saying a lot. There’s traces of concealer on his cheeks too, and L briefly wonders if he should do the same, wear concealer and stop people from looking. But then again, that’d mean using pretty much an entire bottle of concealer in a week, and though he doesn’t lack money, he certainly does lack the motivation to hide the various rashes on his skin. Or whatever it’s called when it’s you who scratched it.

“Welcome !” someone says, with a cheerful voice that doesn’t sound too forced. “Group therapy for the adults who are younger but not young adults – or as we liked to call it, the ‘not old yet’ group therapy !”

She has a casual shirt on, with some words in Japanese that mean “sun” and “moon”, and L has to tear his gaze out of her breast area where a pretty necklace is dangling – it’s a present, she has a fiancé – yes she has a ring, no tan mark yet, it must be new, hence the present – ok, this has to stop. He’s not here for that.

Contrary to what he assumed, L has been enjoying group therapy. It’s like detective work but easier and with more crazy people in it – he’s not quite sure he’s part of them yet but the group has organically absorbed him without asking questions. So there’s that. He has a group now. Not friends – he’d laughed at the idea of having friends, once, and Beyond acted offended, and then Adeline cried, and he never heard the end of it. But it’s a funny group nonetheless.

“Today, we say hello to a new member – say hi to Yagami Light ! Yagami-kun, this is the three pm group therapy… well, it’s your group now.”

Light looks utterly disgusted as a chorus of “Hi, Yagami-kun” echo around the circle. They’re all seated down on little cushions, and Light is in a seiza so perfect it must hurt. L has opted for his usual pose, knees drawn to the chest, and he sways lightly from side to side as he inspects the members present in the circle today.

“The topic for today is – who remembers ? Yes, Mikami-kun ?”

“Diagnosis,” he says, lowering his head with a frown – not that he has any other expressions, but L still finds it funny to remark on it in his head.

“Right !” the nurse says. L is bad with names, so “nurse” will have to do for now. “So, anyone wants to share their diagnoses with us today ? Or the process of getting one ?”

Nobody answers. It’s usually like that, L noticed, no one answers in the first ten minutes and then a few scattered comments. Mostly from the people in outpatient – the people in inpatient seem to have a harder time making things out, deciding if speaking isn’t worth their time or if it’ll alleviate some of their boredom. They look so bored, that’s what intrigued L the most about them, how their eyes looked empty. He sees something else there now.

Light still has that disgusted expression on, and it only deepens as someone dares to speak. She’s a young woman, probably not much older than L himself, and she shares her story with being diagnosed as bipolar II with the crowd. They all nod, like they know what it means, and L’s brain supplies the textbook definition before he raises his hand to ask – “Bipolar II disorder is a form of mental illness similar to bipolar I, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However in bipolar II the ‘up’ moods never reach full-blown mania. These less intense elevated moods are called hypomania”. Interesting, L thinks. Or not, as the woman drones on and on about how difficult it was for her family to accept her diagnosis. He’s sure it must have been, considering how private and closed-off the Japanese are, compared to the English, and even there, some people never care until it’s too late.

Himself included. Adeline would smirk sadly and turn her back on him if she saw where he was now.

ooo

There’s some pressure in the air and Light isn’t sure it comes from the unblinking gaze of Mikami, who hasn’t stopped staring at him since he arrived. When he finally locates the source of the eyes he felt resting on top of his head, he’s not surprised to see it’s one of the weirdest in the group – staring is usually considered too polite by most people, though obviously Mikami and the strange man don’t seem to understand.

Light doesn’t participate in the discussion at all. First because he has nothing to say, having started therapy sessions the day before, but mostly because he finds the idea of sharing something so personal to be abhorrent to his basic need for privacy. Mikami also doesn’t speak much, except for correcting people on their own diagnoses, which is funnier than it should be considering the man is so stuck up he is half expecting to see an off-switch button on the side of his head. There isn’t one, but Light has a nagging need to check from up-close, to dig his fingers into his own head and find that damn off-switch and tune his fucking brain out for ten seconds.

Admitting that, even in the comfort of his own head, scares him. What is it that he needs to run away from ? If not his intellect, what is left that makes him valuable ?

The end of group therapy is a welcome distraction. “It’s not as long as you probably expect,” the therapist had warned, “so don’t hesitate to speak if you feel the need to”. Right, he thinks. If he feels the need to.

Immediately after the nurse dismisses them, Mikami turns to him, and unfolds a whole speech on the importance of freedom of speech. He hasn’t even introduced himself. Light sighs, and sighs again when he turns to find the strange guy on his other side.

“Light-kun, he says, my name is –” he narrows his eyes, then, and continues, “are you with the police ?”

Mikami’s eyes open wide and he gapes a bit, before frowning some more and excusing himself. Light is left staring at the other guy’s strange face and mannerism – he is biting his thumb and scratching what looks like a scab on his shoulder, which, with the dark circles under his eyes, gives him the appearance of a very frog-like raccoon.

“I am,” Light says carefully.

The other man smiles, like this is a big secret he’s proud of guessing.

“You can call me Hideki Ryuuga,” he says, which is a ridiculous false name to give. “But most people call me L.”

“Oh,” Light says, because there’s nothing else he can say without being impolite – and then it clicks. L. That man is casually saying he’s the best detective in the world. Go figure. People here definitely give him the creeps.

ooo

L ticks when the therapist says his name for the seventh time. Or at least that’s what he says, that he’s called him seven times, but L really didn’t hear – he was focused on the paper the man gave him, with some basic questions about his mental health.

“What does it mean, ‘repetitive behaviours’ ?” L asks, while scratching his left leg. There’s a rash visible there already, he’s probably been scratching for a good ten minutes. Fuck. At least Wammy isn’t here to nitpick at everything.

The therapist sighs, and takes back his paper without a word. Oh well, L tried. He’s checked off a good quantity of boxes, but there are some questions that just seem absurd – of course people like routine, of course people have foods they don’t like. What kind of psych eval is that ?

His brain zooms out of his present situation and goes back to the nearest interesting puzzle. Presently, its name is Light Yagami, and L has already used up most of his detective resources tracking the life out of this guy. It’s a wonder he’s not a serial killer, if L may say so, considering the absolutely perfect record he has, like he’s never taken a wrong turn in his life. Apart from maybe being gay, but that’s hardly a bother. L doubts he knows himself, considering how uptight he seemed. Yeah, that’s it, closeted, model policeman Light Yagami. God this man is uninteresting, yet somehow L finds his attention snaps back to him without fail.

Like there’s something more.

He didn’t look like he belonged at a group therapy, maybe because he thought so hard that if he willed himself away he wouldn’t have to stay, but L can detect something brewing underneath, a darkness that doesn’t have a name yet.

What is he on about anyway ? It’s not like him to want to talk to someone, and to reveal his identity within the first five seconds of speaking. It’s not like him and yet this is maybe the most spontaneous he’s been in years. Wammy should be proud, really. Or… yeah, L made the good choice by not telling him. Old man would worry his hair out.

Next time they see each other is in the corridors of the institution. L blinks once, twice, and catches up with Light. He blinks, too, and his mouth turns into a sour little line.

L does what he does best: puzzles.

“Do you like tennis, Light Yagami ?”

ooo

Weirdo L is here again and is asking him – what ?

“I don’t think they have a tennis court here,” he answers.

“Oh,” the man says, “I’m not in inpatient.”

Really ? Light would never have guessed, and he says so without any intention of joking. That seems to amuse the man – Hideki Ryuuga, his mind supplies, also known in his mind as “gigantic-assface”. Well, that was a bit mean. He hopes the man can’t see it – he hopes he hasn’t been to disdainful, too harsh, too impolite, he hopes he didn’t come across as…

Breathe. If there’s one thing three sessions of therapy have taught him, it’s that his face is the perfect ask he wants it to be, so he has nothing to worry about. He is perfectly neutral and the man isn’t upset.

“I haven’t played in years, why ?” Light says, trying to keep his tone conversational.

“I don’t know, it was the first thing I thought I’d say to see if you’d answer. You seem like a pretty harsh guy, Mr Policeman.”

“Don’t call me that,” Light can’t help but hiss, because so far three people have reacted negatively to learning that, and he isn’t fond of the look of vague fear and distrust it evokes. Why, he doesn’t understand, but the police doesn’t seem well-liked in the institution. Maybe it has to do with… His mind comes up blank. The police doesn’t seem to be in the wrong.

“Would you mind a match ?” the man says, swinging his arms next to his face like he holds a tennis racket and isn’t afraid to use it. This makes him appear even thinner under his baggy clothing, his shirt three sizes too big and his jeans barely hanging on his hips. Light can see that this is misleading. His movements are a bit sluggish, like he hasn’t slept (which would explain his very pronounced dark circles) and like he eats poorly (which could explain his acne, is that acne ?).

Light knows his skin isn’t in the best of shapes either, but it’s because… of oil, probably, he has been eating a bit of greasy food. Takeout isn’t that great, but he doesn’t have the time or energy to cook, and it’s easier to order than to go down to the convenience store or the hole-in-the-wall next to his place. Less chance of meeting people this way, though that does make him seem like a recluse, which isn’t true at all. There’s a sneaky voice whispering in his ear that it’ been a while since he’s had clear skin, and that it all started in middle school, but who doesn’t have some acne back then ? It’s normal – he’s normal. It’ll be ok soon.

It’s already ok.

“Why not ?” Light finally answers, and he feels like it’s been a while – since the man talked and since he played tennis both, but it’s fine, he doesn’t look bothered.

“I already have your number, I’ll text you the details,” the man says, and Light squints. “I’m L, remember ?” he says. “Got all the data I could ever need on you.”

“That sounds like a threat,” Light coolly lets out, because he needs to say something – is he really L ? He thought that was just the crazy speaking, but maybe there’s some truth to it. He’ll see, if he receives a text, then, it might be true.

Maybe-L smiles and cocks his head to the side, his expression more frog-like than ever.

“It might be.”

ooo

[To: Light-kun] hry itd l

[To: Light-kun] its hll

[To: Light-kun] srry the phone is too smll

[From: Light-kun] Are you really L ?

[To: Light-kun] couldn u tell

[From: Light-kun] No, I could not.

[To: Light-kun] Event shared: tnnis mtach

[From: Light-kun] Are your fingers shaking ?

[To: Light-kun] nno this phone is juts oo small

[From: Light-kun] Can you even play tennis ?

[To: Light-kun] yea y.?

[To: Light-kun] see u on court yeggami

[From: Light-kun] That’s not how it’s spelled.

[To: Light-kun] i kno lol

ooo

Light looks at his therapist with something akin to horror.

“I am not taking pills,” he says, trying to hide the tremor in his voice. “I will not.”

“I know it sounds scary,” she answers, and it’s not that, she doesn’t understand, “but I do think it would help you greatly with your anxiety.”

“What. Anxiety,” Light manages to spit out, because oh no this is getting out of hand he knew he shouldn’t have come this isn’t how it was supposed to go no no no-

“Yagami-san, calm down,” the therapist says, “you’re hyperventilating. Please remember the breathing exercise I taught you. Breathe in for five seconds, and out for ten. I’ll count down for you, here, listen to my voice.”

Light distantly hears her start a countdown, but he’s too far gone – this is like the time Misa called his father, oh god, he’s gonna be hospitalised again, fuck, this isn’t how things were supposed to go. This isn’t the plan.

What was the plan anyway ? He’s right where he wants to be, the youngest policeman in his unit, fresh out of university, it’s just. It’s great, right ? It’s not like the feeling of emptiness keeps him awake at night and that his job is so boring he could sleep on it and still manage to be decent. It’s not like this isn’t what he wanted at all. It’s not.

Maybe it is.

That’s one thing the therapist says – Mrs Onaka, he remembers, he should start calling her by her name – that “bad” isn’t a bad word. That sometimes things are bad and it’s ok, that sometimes you’re not sure and it’s fine, that sometimes you don’t have a plan and all you have to go with are shady guidelines like that time he built a shelf for his apartment and Misa lost half the nails and they still made it work.

“It’s good, Light,” Mrs Onaka says, very softly. “You’re calming down, that’s good.”

“I- I don’t want to-”

“Don’t try to speak yet, it’s ok. We won’t try the pills if you really don’t want to. But I think they could help,” she adds, still it that maddeningly soft voice, like he’s gonna break if pushed too far.

He wonders if he would.

Sometimes letting go seems like the better option, but that loss of control is so scary, so unlike himself – holding on feels like the only other option to… what exactly he doesn’t know, but the alternative is darker and scarier than he gives it credit for.

Light leaves the room with a prescription, sweat stains on the back of his shirt, and the taste of ash and loss in his mouth.

ooo

The tennis court is dimly lit when L gets there, the net barely visible in the shadows, sunbeams reaching the ground and lighting up dust on their way – Light must not be there yet, or he would have turned on the light. Haha. That was a joke. He’s happy he made one, it so rarely happens.

L takes the opportunity to pause, and reflect on his quite unusual behaviour. Wammy’s face when he said “I made a friend, we’re gonna play tennis” was a nice cherry on top, no matter how egregious that lie was. Light is not his friend, not for a long shot, not someone he’d trust with something else than his name, which is already a lot considering the circumstances.

There’s noise on the court, and someone enters from a door on the other side. It’s Light, he realises, but he must not have seen him, because he stands in one of the beams, facing the sun, his eyes straining to stay open in the face of unblinking light. Something should be said about the total abandon Light looks up with. For a man who seems to live shrouded in lies, that’s a lot to say.

L takes a few more seconds to carve this moment into his memory, to close his eyes and let the silence put a mark on his face like the ones he already has – only this one is beautiful, only this one is shining and bright and everything he’s not.

“Light-kun, fancy meeting you here,” he says at last, because he needs an ice breaker and he’s nothing if not the most unsubtle twat.

“You invited me.”

Light is dressed in tennis shorts and a sports t-shirt, which kinda contradicts his claim of not having played tennis since middle school, but maybe this is just his regular sports attire – he is a policeman after all, he must have to stay healthy, though L doubts he’s the type to do all the dirty field work, he must be an office worker, yeah, that’s actually the most likely choice, his nails are pretty long for someone who should use them. Maybe he’s just too unbothered to cut them, whatever the reason. L knows that without Wammy, he would be.

Maybe that’s what Wammy meant. That being unable to take care of oneself leads to this, whatever Light is, and that it’s bad – that it’s a problem. L can understand, faintly if at all, that the issues with him are similar in some way, and that Light isn’t so far from him in terms of uselessness. Funny, since Light would definitely hate being compared to L in any capacity, and he doesn’t feel particularly inclined to be compared to an uptight law officer as well.

“So, you you wanna play ?” L ends up saying, because they need to say something otherwise the tension will start to build up and L isn’t sure Light would react well to that. Sports are an excellent way of releasing tension, which is why Wammy insisted he do some, and thankfully they sticked. L does think he’d have gone crazy without a physical relief for all the energy he sometimes feel brewing inside.

“That’s what I came hear from,” Light answers, and all L hears is, “I came to win”.

ooo

There is something deeply satisfying in the swing and release of tennis. Something in the way the ball hits the racket, a little kick he gets from smashing as hard as he can. Strangely enough for someone who seems to have minus one muscles, L meets him where he stands, fighting back with surprising force and accuracy. There’s a weird moment where Light thinks he’s gonna lose the first set but they end up with a tie, and they play the rest of the afternoon without keeping score, each ball hitting the wall behind them with much more strength than necessary.

“I didn’t think you’d play this well,” L ends up saying, barely out of breath – or hiding it well. Light is truly out of shape, even more than he thought he’d be. He’s panting so much he has a hard time uttering an answer – a whispered “Likewise”, that feels a little like admitting defeat. No matter what he lost, it still feels bitter.

“Do you want to go home, Light ?” L asks, eyeing him with what he can only guess is mock concern – L doesn’t seem interested in other people’s wellbeing, that he’s sure of.

Light nods, not daring to speak yet, and he can only feel some sort of stale pride at the thought that even in this bad a shape he still managed to hold up to L. Who thought the best detective in the world would have that much stamina ? For someone who doesn’t even look like he goes outside… he truly is exceptional.

Incredible.

Model citizen.

Perfect future.

The words ring in his ears, reminiscent of those said to him a long time ago, and suddenly Light wants to throw up. What was he thinking ? That he’d make a friend ? He doesn’t have friends. He has Sayu, and he reluctantly has Misa, but… that’s all he needs. That’s more than he needs – he isn’t paying for therapy to meet weirdos and play tennis.

“I’ll go home now,” he says eventually, and as he makes a move to gather his stuff and leave, L grabs his arm.

“Wait, Light. Would you like a rematch ?”

“No,” Light ends up answering. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He doesn’t think at all before shaking L’s grip off and walking straight for the exit.

ooo

“And we had a tennis match, it was good,” L’s voice trails off. He hadn’t planned on talking about it to the therapist but he expressed an interest in L’s friends, and seemed kind of distraught when L answered that he didn’t have any, and never had. “That’s no good,” he said, “you certainly must have had meaningful connections ?”

He did. Those, he managed to form, somehow – with Beyond, and Adeline, as best as they could, but it never went far – he always pushed them away, and Beyond was far too dangerous, and Adeline was far too sad. He had no need for them in his life, and he doesn’t regret this decision per se, it’s just that sometimes people look at him like he has two heads when he says he’d rather be alone, and Adeline, the poor girl, he never understood why she couldn’t let go…

“I guess I made a friend, yeah,” L says, and Wammy smiles from his seat – he knows that’s not true, but this is all about pretending, right ? Learning how to make do well enough so that people don’t ask questions. So that he can take care of himself when Wammy is gone, which shouldn’t take too long, to be honest.

The rest of the session is a blur, L being too interested in the pattern on the therapist’s carpet to really pay attention, but there is at least something positive in all of this. L is learning stuff. It hadn’t happened in a while, and that’s mostly the reason why he agreed to therapy. So he could lift up the boredom a little, have a challenge. He likes challenges. That’s a quality, right ? See, he has some.

ooo

[To: L] Stop sending me messages at five am.

[From: L] bt ymur awake

[From: L] i knew it

[To: L] What is that supposed to mean ?

[From: L] that u dont slep

[To: L] And ?

[From: L] idk i was rihgt

[To: L] Leave me alone.

[From: L] y??

[To: L] You’re not my friend.

[From: L] wataris guna b disapointd

Light looks up from his phone just in time to see Mrs Onoda enter the room, and he shuts it off quickly before she can see anything when she walks around his chair to her own. The dark circles under his eyes are proof of what L is saying – he truly hasn’t been sleeping well – and this time, he was too tired to even bother with concealer. He won’t see anyone of importance today, only Misa and Mrs Onoda, so it doesn’t matter much.

“Hello, Yagami-kun,” she says when she finally sits down. “How have you been ?”

“Fine,” he grits out. “I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Yes ?” she says, tone hopeful.

“I want to stop going to group therapy. It’s not helping me, and it’s a waste of everyone’s resources.”

Another reason is, the people there give him the creeps – L, Mikami, that bipolar woman who manages to speak every time about something inconsequential. He doesn’t belong there. He’s not like them, he’s not… he isn’t crazy.

“I was afraid you’d say that…” Mrs Onoda says. “Alright, then. I think it’s better if we see each other every week instead.”

Wait, what. No. This isn’t what he meant – more sessions ? He doesn’t need – he’s not – he didn’t think she’d find it necessary, what is wrong with her ?

What is wrong with him ?

ooo

They see each other again, for a coffee. They talk about everything but themselves, and L finds the conversation flows much more freely than anticipated. He doesn’t find it that bad. Maybe he truly is making a friend, no matter how weird it may seem.

They have a fight. It’s about something inconsequential – well, L doesn’t think it holds that much importance, but Light obviously does, since he did punch him – and it brings about a whole new set of interaction requirements. L doesn’t think it’s so bad, doesn’t think of this as much more than a social experiment, but it does tell him about how invested Light could be. It reminds L of Beyond, once again, of dark places and strawberry jam, of cold fingers in his and a hand on his mouth. It’s not a good thing.

But perhaps, it’s too late to stop.

L wants to make a quip but the fire in Light’s eyes is blazing, a sure sign he needs to stop. Well, he should have five remarks ago, or, rather, he shouldn’t have started this conversation at all. Light is shaking his fist like he can’t believe he hit him (that’s sure to bruise, and L will poke and tear at the skin until it bleeds just so he doesn’t have to focus on his boring new case).

“I can’t believe you’re so nonchalant about it,” Light says eventually, no trace of the hurt in his voice. Only hard, cold anger – only stale, rehashed bitterness. “If someone harassed her because she was transgender, you should have stepped up.”

“Adeline knew what she was doing,” L answers. “She didn’t need a babysitter. Neither do I,” he continues, just to test the waters.

Light hasn’t figured him out. Or maybe he has and doesn’t care, which would be a first. How it is to be trans, L, he can hear at all times. How does it feel how does it look, do you want this, that operation, do you need – he doesn’t. He wants to be left alone, he wants to deal with his hurt like a small animal, licking the wounds and healing at his own pace. Adeline wouldn’t approve, but he doesn’t care.

Light’s look is fearless.

“If you needed anything someone should have helped you get it,” he says, “acceptance is a bigger gift than you make it out to be. Even though that’s not how it should work.”

“You know that,” L says softly.

“I’m not as… blind as you make me out to be. Give me some credit,” he answers disinterestedly. “I’ve known I was gay since middle school.”

“Well,” L says with a smile, “good things come to those who wait.”

ooo

They see each other again, and again, and a fourth time to boot. Light doesn’t quite hate it, and that’s terrifying.

L is the worst human being he has ever known. No morals, no code of conduct, nothing to make him stand out as the paragon of justice people make him out to be. There literally is nothing righteous about L, and that is so annoying Light doesn’t know where his hatred ends and when… the rest beings. Because he can’t deny the rest.

L looks ugly. That’s a fact, that even L himself is aware of. But he has a strange charm about him, some aura of mystery, for a lack of better words, and Light feels drawn in at such tremendous speed he doesn’t have time to stop himself before agreeing to a fifth coffee date. If those can be called dates, which he does in the secret of his own head, and wouldn’t reveal to the world on penalty of death.

Mrs Onoda catches up with him one day, just after L leaves him stranded in the middle of the institution’s corridor, and she says, “Oh, looks like you made a friend. You didn’t talk about him in your sessions,” she smiles, “but it seems like you’re very close ! I’m glad you’re seeing people.”

Light doesn’t know what made her think they’re close. Maybe because L grabbed his arm, but that seems to be a purely Western thing, this lack of personal space. Maybe because L looks at him like a puzzle with that damn frog-like smile on his face, which could be mistaken for interest (he knows it’s not, he knows better than to hope and be let down). They’re not friends.

“Yeah,” Light ends up saying, “right.”

“Well I’ll see you next week,” Mrs Onoda says before leaving.

Therapy is going… surprisingly well ? He’s not sure this is how sessions are supposed to go but he manages to talk, now. He doesn’t think he says anything important – he came out, he talked about his sister and Misa, he talked about being bored – but that’s not… it’s not who he is, deep down, is it ? It’s not what matters.

What does matter, exactly ?

The longer he talks, the less sure he is.

ooo

“And I gave your diagnosis material to Mr Watari,” the therapist says, with his what he probably hopes is a stern voice. It doesn’t work. L has already guessed everything that’s on the paper, he’s the best detective in the world after all, it’s got to come in handy. “You can look at it if he allows you to.”

L wants to retort that he’s not a child, but his diagnosis does come with a lot of infantilisation, and he’s aware that keeping his identity a secret is probably what saved him from being babied his entire life by people who don’t know better. Wammy will probably not treat him any differently, since he’s known about L’s difficulties for so long… but the thought of suddenly losing any grip he might have had on his own situation is kind of frightening.

“So I’m autistic,” L says, just to see the look on his therapist’s face.

“Aspergers, yes,” the man answers, and though he’s a licensed psychiatrist, he probably doesn’t know that they’re the same diagnosis now and that the difference between the two was only due to ableism.

“Great, it’s cool to have a word for it,” L lies. He doesn’t care. He is scratching behind his ear with vigour but that doesn’t count, right ?

“It’s a diagnosis, not a prison,” Wammy pipes in, like L needs to be reassured or something.

“I know,” he answers. Like his Gender Dysphoria diagnosis isn’t a prison, like whatever that scratching thing is isn’t a prison. The world is made of cages and he just… doesn’t have the energy to abide to them.

“You’ll probably not want to see me anymore, I assume ?” the man says, to Wammy more than to L, and he doesn’t look surprised when Wammy answers that indeed, they’ll probably stop therapy really soon. As in “right now”, L wants to say, but he keeps quiet.

“That doesn’t mean we’ll leave Japan right away, does it ?” L asks way once they’re in the car, his shoes long forgotten under the back seat.

“If you want to stay, we will,” Wammy replies, “you can work from cases here.”

“Good,” and L falls asleep, lulled by the movement of the car.

ooo

“Where is she, now ? Adeline,” Light adds, when L doesn’t seem to recognise who he is talking about.

“Oh, she’s dead,” he answers casually, “suicide.”

He says that… like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like it’s no big deal, like she’ll just wake up and run towards him again. Light understands with a pit in his stomach that L doesn’t care, and that he’s in too deep. Both realisations don’t come as a shock, as they’re less realisations and more… self-actualisation of his beliefs. He knew – he knew this whole time, and he still got caught like an idiot.

“Oh,” Light tries to keep his tone even, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Don’t bother,” L says, “it’s been a while.” He makes a strange face at that, like he didn’t fully realise how long it’d been – like he kind of forgot.

Light can’t quite forgive him for this disinterest, even for a person he’s barely heard of. Adeline seems so close to him, from the glimpses he’s caught, so close to his own thought process that it’s almost terrifying to hear of her death. Even in his darkest moments, Light never thought he could end his own life, and hearing of someone who did seems kind of like breaking a taboo, like saying something he wasn’t ever meant to hear.

He’s still thinking about it by his next therapy session, and tries to ask Mrs Onoda as lightly as he can – “Is it normal I’ve never thought of suicide ? I thought people who felt bad often did.”

“Lots of people don’t,” she answers, “it’s just a matter of what you’re dealing with and how you do it. You’re doing well,” she says softly, “you’re doing very well.”

“That’s reassuring,” he sighs, and for once he means it.

He’s still thinking about it a week later when he says to Mrs Onoda, “How is one supposed to react to suicide ?”

“With compassion,” is her answer, and it leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

He’s still thinking about it when he sees L again. He’s exiting Mrs Onoda’s office and L just springs up next to him before he has time to make a move. He hears himself gurgle some words, that he doesn’t remember seconds after saying them, and he dashes out.

He deletes L’s phone number and blocks him in a daze. He is hyperventilating, and barely remembers the breathing exercise that has helped him so much by now. He hates himself, so bad, for ever thinking this could be good for him.

He tries his best not to think about it at his next appointment when he tells Mrs Onoda he wants to stop coming.

ooo

When L sees him, he is existing his therapist’s office, face ashen. Light doesn’t seem to have heard any good news there, which is a shame, since L was hoping to catch him in a good mood to ask him why he avoided him now. Blocked number, no more coffee dates… Yeah, Light is avoiding him – and does again, ducking to a nearby corridor as soon as he sees L going his way.

Well. L isn’t here to play games – and he has something to say.

“Hey, Light,” he calls after him, but to no avail. Light has already entered some room and L can’t be bothered to check which one. For a moment he considers yelling, “I’m leaving Japan, bye !” – but he doesn’t. Let Light guess whatever he wants.

With a small smile, L turns around and leaves.

ooo

It’s been… five months. Misa bounces happily next to him and holds his hand. Light is too embarrassed to tell her to let go, and he still feels the back of his neck burn unhappily, but it’s getting better – he’s getting used to it. They’re… fake dating ? It’s become annoying to keep tabs on what Misa is thinking, if she really is serious when she says that of course she doesn’t love him, what, is he so self-absorbed ? Light just kind of… gave up.

He hasn’t seen L in six months. He hasn’t tried to, he doesn’t want to, well, maybe a little, but it’s fine – it’s ok – he’s dealing well with the loss. If it can be called that.

It’s been eight months and he’s stopped taking the anxiety meds altogether. Misa doesn’t insist so much on going to therapy, especially since the couple therapy session Light forced her into, and the meds weren’t helping anything anyway.

It’s been a year.

[5hfanfiction]

Malibu Love: Chapter 50

Normani sighed as she unlocked the main door of her old apartment. She promised Lauren she’ll be here for her once the babies come and she still had every intention of doing so.

When Camila called her and said she has to leave Miami for a week because of some family problems in Mexico, Normani packed her stuff and called Aaron to inform him she’s spending a week at Lauren’s place. Except, this was the second week now and Camila still wasn’t able to come back to Miami. Normani didn’t really mind. She loved Lauren, and she loved Alex and Lexi.

Reality slapped her right in the face when she unlocked the door of their apartment. And the slap came in a shape of crying.

Babies cry, everyone knows that. But this time it was different. She didn’t hear Lauren singing to them or trying to put them to sleep.

Normani dropped her stuff and followed the crying sound which led her to Lauren’s room.

What she saw next broke her heart into pieces; her best friend was sitting on the floor, her head between her knees and her hands pressed to her ears, tears streaming down her face as she begged her children to stop crying.

“Please please please stop crying, please. I can’t take it anymore. Stop please.” She begged them

Normani rushed over to the crib and took both of them into her arms before sitting on Lauren’s bed. After giving them bottles of milk she successfully put them to sleep.

Lauren however was still in the corner of the room, crying and begging them to stop.

“Lauren,” Normani shook her gently “babe?”

“Please make them stop, please Mani.”

“Shhh, they are sleeping, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not. I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m such a bad mother and they probably hate me-”

“Come here.” Normani said and pulled the younger girl into her old room

She tucked her into bed and lied down next to her, Lauren instantly cuddling up to her side.

“They don’t hate you.”

“Yes they do Mani. They always cry and I can’t stop them and then I cry too because I am so bad at this. I should have given them up for adoption or let Nick have them. I’m not good at this.”

“That’s why you have me. So we can go through this together, right? Isn’t that why I moved here? To help you out?”

“Without you, they’d probably be dead.” Lauren mumbled

“Lauren…” Normani anxiously bit her lip

“I’m sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay babe. Why don’t you take a nap, huh?”

Once Normani was sure that Lauren’s breathing calmed down and that the Cuban girl is asleep, she got up and walked into the living room.

Lauren’s laptop was sitting on the desk and she bit her lip nervously before turning it on.

Normani’s fingers drummed against the wooden table as er brain was trying to process what’s going on and what she’s about to do.

Her dark eyes scanned the screen. It’s no secret that Normani loves Chrissy Teigen, which is why when she stumbled upon her essay two days ago, she realized what’s going on.

She decided to reread the essay again once she saw Lauren’s break down, she put two and teo together. Just in case, Normani typed decided to go over the symptoms once again and the further she’d go, the more convinced she was.

She waited in the living room for two hours, until the green eyed girl finally woke up.

There were dark circles under her eyes, her hair was greasy and Normani wondered when was the last time she took a shower. Or ate.

Without saying a word, Lauren walked over to her and took a seat on the couch. She switched on the TV and stared at it. Normani doubted she even knows what she’s watching.

“You look like a mess.”

“I know.” Lauren mumbled

“Why don’t you take a shower?”

“I don’t want to.”

“But you will.”

“Normani, I don’t fucking want to!” Lauren raised her voice

“I don’t care Lauren. You’re gonna take a shower and when you come back, we’ll talk.”

Reluctantly, Lauren got up and made her way towards the bathroom.

When she came back half an hour later, she saw Normani playing with Lexi, or perhaps it was Alex. Lauren didn’t really care to learn the difference.

At the sight of Lauren, Normani took a seat on the couch, the baby still in her hands, gently pressed against her chest.

“What’s up?”

“Can you hold him for a second? I just have to use the bathroom real quick–”

“Put him in the crib then.”

And there it was. One more sign that Normani tried so hard to ignore.

“We need to talk Lauren.”

“Okay.”

“You’re my best friend. I love you and your kids with all I have which is why I need you to listen to me. I called a doctor, a very good one and I managed to get you an appointment for tomorrow morning.”

“W-what doctor?”

“Psychologist.”

“I’m not crazy!” Lauren replied and tried to get up but Normani grabbed her hand

“I’m not saying you are. But this isn’t normal Lauren. I read about this and I can’t be sure but to me it looks like you might be suffering from PPD.”

“What the fuck is a PPD??”

“Postpartum depression. Some mothers get it after they give birth. The chances are eve higher if the mother has or have had a depression in some point of her life.”

“I don’t have a depression, I just want them to stop crying.”

“Lauren please, do it for me? For yourself? The twins? Your own parents? Your kids need their mom and as much as I am trying to give them everything they need, I am not their mom. You are and you need to act like one. Listen to me honey, you’ll go there and do whatever doctor wants you to do for you to get better. You’ll listen to him and you’ll get better and you’ll be a great mom, okay? I did this for you, because I love you. And you’ll do it for me, because you love me. Do you understand me?”

“I just wanna sleep Mani, I’m tired. Of everything.”

“Which is why you need to do this. I’ll go with you, or I can take care of the twins while you’re there with Camila. She’s coming back tomorrow, right?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t talk to her for a few days.”

“You didn’t really talk to anyone except for me and Camila for a few weeks.” Normani points out

“I know.”

“Then, please Lo– think about it okay?”

It takes a week and a bit convincing from Normani and Camila but Lauren finally agrees to see a doctor.

Deep down, she knows it’s for her own good.

Like she previously said, Normani stays in the apartment to take care of Alex and Lexi while Camila and Lauren go to the doctor’s.

They’re listening to her talking about Postpartum Depression and how they can help Lauren overcome it.

“I’m not gonna take any meds.” Lauren protests

“You should at least consider it, they–”

“With all due respect for you, but I’m not taking any kind of medication. I’ve had some– issues– in the past, when it comes to medication–”

“Okay.” The woman nods “Would you be up for a group therapy? It’s like a support group.”

“Like AA?”

“No, not like AA. You’re not alcoholics, right?”

Lauren shakes her head. “No, I barely even drink.”

“Okay, that’s good. Let’s keep it that way. What I meant to say is that we have a group of mothers who are also suffering from PPD and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. They meet twice a week. Every Monday and Wednesday evening. If you wish, your partner can join you, or someone else you’d like to bring.”

“Does it help?”

“It does. I can’t say when or how you’ll get better, but it helps. Some women only do support group, some only take medication, some do both. Sometimes it takes a few weeks and sometimes it takes a few months. It’s different for everyone, honestly. The most important thing is to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you, who want to help you get better.”

Lauren looks at her girlfriend who offers her a soft smile and squeezes her hand gently, letting her know she’s here for her.

“You said the father of the children does not live here, right?”

“Yes, he’s in New York.”

“Do you have anyone who can take care of your children for a few days until you get back on track? It could be a family member or–”

“My mom.” Lauren nods

“Okay, that’s good. How about this? Your mother will take care of your children for a few days and your partner, or anyone else actually, will help you get on track? That would include doing mundane activities, such as grocery shopping, talking to your friends, cleaning the apartment, taking a shower. Simple things to start with, for now. Later on, we can focus on bigger things; like, you doing things that make you happy, or that used to but don’t anymore. Do you have any hobbies?”

“I write and I paint– well I used to.”

“Okay, we’ll get to that, writing and painting. Anything else?”

“She used to play. A piano.” Camila adds

“A piano, okay. Do you sing as well?”

“Sometimes.” Lauren mumbles

A woman nods as she writes it all down.

“Good. That’s good. We’ll make sure you start enjoying those things again.”

Lauren bits her lip nervously before looking at Camila.

“Do you mind leaving us alone for a moment?”

“Of course love. I’m right outside if you need anything.”

The younger one kisses her forehead lovingly before walking out of the room.

“I didn’t want to say this in front of her, because I don’t want her to hate me–or think less of me.”

“I doubt that’s possible, but continue.”

“I just– I don’t think I love my babies. I know I am supposed to and I’m sure that deep down I do, but I just– there’s no connection. I don’t feel like they are mine. I look at them and feel nothing. It makes me feel so bad but–”

“Emotional detachment can be one of the symptoms and it’s not rare actually. A lot of mothers feel that way. During the first two weeks it’s called baby blues, however if it lasts longer it’s most likely PPD. You’re not a bad mother for feeling this way. You mentioned having problems with medication before, right?”

“I guess we could call it that, yes.”

“Because of depression?”

“I wasn’t diagnosed with it but–”

“Sometimes you don’t need us to confirm what you already know Miss Jauregui.”

“I guess, yes.”

“You’re not a bad mother for not feeling a connection, when you’re in this state. I can see that you want to get better, and I promise we’ll get there. Baby steps, okay? It’s all probably overwhelming for you. You just got out of the college and I’m guessing you didn’t plan this to happen, right?”

“Not for a few more years.” Lauren chuckles

“But we’re here now and I’m gonna help you. So, every Monday and Wednesday evening you’re gonna go to the support group, sometimes it’s me leading it, sometimes it’s one of the other doctors. Here’s all the info you need and I’ll see you every other Thursday for our sessions, okay?”

“Thank you.” Lauren politely smiled and stood up

“It will take some time, but you’ll get better, I promise. Keep your loved one close, okay?”

“Of course. Goodbye.”

With a lighter heart Lauren leaves out the office and pulls Camila into a tight hug.

“You okay?”

“I will be, can we go home now?”

“Of course.” Camila nods and takes Lauren’s hand into her own

As Camila drives through the streets of Miami, Lauren calls her mom and explains the situation, the older woman instantly agreeing that she’ll take care of her grandchildren while Lauren focuses on herself.

“You’re gonna have a crazy house.”

“I already did, it never really stopped.” Clara replies

Lauren lets out a soft chuckle. “I love you mom, if I end up being half the mom you are to me, I’ll be happy.”

“Lauren mi hija, you’re gonna be a great mother, I want you to know that. You love so fiercely and your love is so pure, you’ll see one day.”

“I hope so mom. I’ll drop them at your place tonight?”

“Take as much as time you need.”

“Okay, see you later mom.”

It doesn’t take long before the two Latinas reach the apartment and let Normani know about the agreement.

“I’m gonna pack their stuff.” Lauren says

“No amor, Normani will pack their stuff, you’ll stay here with me and then, please?”

And Lauren can’t say no to Camila, it’s a proven fact. She watches as Camila carefully hands her Lexi and smiles at her encouragingly.

“You can do this amor. Just hold her.”

“What if I hurt her?”

“You won’t. Look at how she’s smiling at you. Hey baby, that’s your mama, yes. Isn’t she beautiful? One day, you’ll be as beautiful as she is, with those green eyes and that cute smile.”

Lauren smiles. It’s not much, but she smiles. She smiles at her daughter for the first time in forever and Camila kisses her cheek. It’s a progress and Camila’s proud of her.

“Mi amor, estoymuyorgullosa de ti.”

“Camz–” Lauren whines

“I am, I am so proud of you my love.”

Lauren leans over to kiss Camila’s lips, making sure that she doesn’t hurt her babies in the progress.

“Do you want me to leave you alone with them for a moment or two before we go?”

When Lauren nervously bits her lip and looks down, Camila knows the answer.

“Hey, it’s okay. No need to be ashamed Lo, I understand. I’ll stay if you want me to.”

“I just– I don’t know how– I can’t be alone with them.”

“That’s why you have me.” Camila smiles lovingly.

And with Camila’s help, Lauren focuses on herself, she focuses on getting better for herself and everyone around her.

It takes some time but she manages to get out of the bed and take a shower almost every day, she manages to smile and cook for Camila, she manages not to cry when one of her babies is crying. A few more weeks go by and Lauren realizes that writing makes her happy and when she wakes up particularly early because Alex was hungry, she decides she should paint the sunrise.

Slowly but surely, Lauren gets back to being her old self. And she’s glad that a certain brown eyes girl stayed right by her side during the whole period.

She’s glad that Camila didn’t force her to do anything, but simply supported her and all of her decisions. It felt nice to have Camila by her side. To feel her love. Love only.

Lauren was even more grateful when one morning she woke up and went to check on her children, only to find her daughter smiling at her.

Lexi was babbling on and on about something as Lauren carried her into the living room, not wanting to wake up Camila or Alex.

“Mama.” Lexi giggled

She’d probably missed it if she didn’t pay attention.

Lauren’s heartbeat went crazy as she looked at the baby in her arms.

“Did you say mama?”

“Mama." Lexi repeated herself as she clapped her hands

"That’s right baby, I’m your mama. And I love you so much.”

Alex however, was a bit slower than that. His first word didn’t come that easily. But Lauren didn’t push him to say anything.

It wasn’t until Christmas that he finally said his first word.

They were in Lauren’s childhood home for Christmas lunch and Camila was sitting in the living room, playing with the kids, mostly paying her attention to Lexi and Alex.

“Nene.”

Camila smiled at the baby boyin front of him and picked him up, carefully carrying him over to the kitchen where her girlfriend was sitting with a few members of her family.

“Hey babe, is he okay?”

“More than okay.” Camila grinned

“What happened?”

“Apparently, he’s mama’s boy.”

“W–what do you mean?”

“Nene!” Alex said again and everyone in the room stopped talking

“Did he– he just– Camz–” Lauren said and stood up to take him from Camila’s boy

“He really is your kid.” Lauren’s dad smiled “That was your first word too.”

Lauren smiled at her dad and walked out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Camila followed her into the living room

“Can you bring Lexi upstairs?”

Camila nodded without asking any other question and picked up Lexi who was playing with Xavier’s trucks.

“Lo?” Camila questioned as they walked into Lauren’s old room

“I just want to be alone with my babies for a while.”

“Okay.” Camila smiled before putting Lexi on the bed and walking away

“Where are you going?”

“You said–”

“Camz, love, my baby, you’re an idiot.”

Camila let out a giggle and walked over to the bed.

“I’m so proud of you Lo.”

“Nene.” Alex babbled again

“I’m proud of you too nene," Camila kissed the top of his head before looking at Lexi "and you toomija.”

“And we’re proud of you amor.”

Camila smiled at the older girl before pulling her in for a kiss.

Once their lips parted, Lauren nuzzled their noses against each other.

“Guess what?”

“What?” Camila smiled

“My hear beats for you.”

“Mine will always beat for you.” Camila replied before pulling Lauren into another kiss.

[izzy-b-hands]

On mobile so I can't put a read more, but I'm going to try and tag well--I need to vent. ----------- So today has been the worst day dealing with my mom in awhile. Like we've been in an okay patch where she hasn't been giving so many mixed messages and orders, but that came roaring back today for some reason. It starts out crappy because we head to my tattoo appointment, but my artist was sick and had to reschedule (though please note I'm not mad at him in any way, I'm glad he was going home rather than suffering sick thru work, because I know how much that sucks no matter what your job is. It just made me sad that I wasn't getting tattooed today and those appointments are like spa days for me.) Before we left for the shop though, she was super pissy and generally making me not want her there at the appointment because I didn't want her bugging my artist or being fussy at having to wait for my appointment to be over (which she's done at past tattoo appointments that I did offer to go to alone by getting a cab or taking the bus.) Anyway, after the tattoo shop we decide to go run a quick shopping trip, and our interactions go down hill. We're both struggling financially right now, but I've been buying a lot for the both of us the past week. But she asks me to get this trip, so I say yes because it won't do any good to say no. Then we get there and she's grabbing extra stuff not on our list, half assedly asking if it's okay even when the thing is in the cart and we're eight aisles away already--like, I'm not gonna argue and say no at that point, cause she'd just get pissy. The store was busy too, so we were both starting to get upset in general. Now, I will note that my fragile emotional state today wasn't all due to her. The whole 'you're still stuck at a shitty job in ND and haven't totally gotten your writing off the ground' thing has been hitting hard for a couple weeks, but especially today. But I wasn't complaining or bugging her with it, I was just trying to ignore those feelings. At the end of it she's rude to the teen cashier, (she knows that behavior is something I don't tolerate), but we get to the car. I offer to buy lunch out from a place we both like because at that point I was more treating myself than her. Like, I'm on the verge of emotionally overwhelmed tears in the car from the day and stuff building up for weeks and she's just hopping cause she gets her fav food. I was literally crying (quietly though) as we left the parking lot and she keeps going on about what sandwich she's getting. At first I thought she didn't notice, but then she looks over and goes "Oh," and that's it. So she noticed, and normally would at least be like, "hey, you're crying, is everything okay?" Not at that moment. In the drive through I started crying more, because I honestly couldn't help it (that hasn't stopped either, I'm on like my tenth cry of the day right now) and then she finally showed concern. I couldn't tell her anything she had done to cause it (in the past that's earned me shouting and 'ungrateful brat' kind of comments that she swears later she didn't mean) but I did explain the wanting to move and earn my primary income from my art frustrations though, and she surprised me by being kind and supportive. I thought we were okay then and the day would be okay. Wrong. We eat, she decides to nap cause she was getting a headache, I decide to play GTA V for an hour or two. The cat wakes her up in about that time (I tried to get Nish to let my mom sleep, but she wanted both her humans awake and wouldn't take any food or toys I offered.) Mom's mood is wildly different then. She's angry. She complains about clothes being ready to hang in the washer (I didn't see or hear her put them in, or I would have taken care of them) and goes to do that. I follow, and try to fix things by taking the basket and offering to help. As soon as we get in to the room we hang the clothes in to dry, she's even angrier. First I'm taking the dry clothes down too slowly, then too quickly when I hang up wet ones in their place. Then I'm hanging the clothes wrong on the hanger. I tried for a bit to make it work, but she was ripping clothes out of my hand, tossing the laundry basket around, and pushing empty hangers to the floor in the same way an angry toddler would. So I get her the extra hangers from my room, hang up my dry clothes in my closet, and go back to my laptop in the living room, and turn it all off. That was the breaking point for me--I knew she'd be pissed at me next for playing a game (that's the usual cycle of these situations no matter what I'm doing--if I'm just sitting there doing nothing then I'm still doing something wrong) so I closed it down. Here comes the mixed messages. She asks when she goes back to the couch, suddenly really quietly, why I'm packing my stuff up. I tell her I have a headache and want to be in my room (partially true, though it isn't a bad enough headache that I'd go lie down) she acts sad, but let's me go and I leave trying to figure out her 360 emotional spin. Fast forward a few hours of me crying quietly in my room, panicking over how she might act for dinner and how even though my psychologist said to stand up for myself and call out her behavior and how she'd be totally pissed at me if I'd acted like she had all day I still can't bring myself to say anything because I'm afraid of my mom yelling when I do that. There's a quick, tense discussion on what to do for dinner a bit later, and dinner itself wasn't awful, just uncomfortable (in part because we had pizza and I had to eat all the pieces left, or she'd do her usual spiel about how I don't eat left overs fast enough so I shouldn't leave them, yet she can leave them because she's formally dieting and I'm not.) I try to go back to my room and she stops me. "Bye," she says in a voice equal parts sad and offended. Now, no matter what I'd done here would have been a problem. In past moments like this, there have been some where she guilted me to staying in the living room (but then acted nasty towards me if I fell asleep and didn't wake her up to help remind her to take out her contacts or get her to bed at a decent hour) and some where I've gone back to my room (and she'd pop in every couple of hours to ask if I still wasn't coming back out, glare at anything I might have on the floor, and sigh even when my room is clean--the issue I've found there is that it isn't clean in the way she'd clean it, so it pisses her off, no matter how much I try and clean 'her way' even when executive dysfunction makes it hard.) Tonight, I chose my room, which brings us to now. She already popped in once, as I was typing so I had to hide my iPad so she wouldn't see this post. I already know she'll have fallen asleep in the living room, so I can't fall asleep yet in case she doesn't wake up by ten or elevenish on her own to go into her bedroom. And I get her headache might be making her feel like shit, but here's the rub-- We've been having these moments and situations since I was four. I know everyone has days where they act shitty cause they don't feel well, but why does she expect me to just ignore her on those days when she never lets me have a day like that. If I acted how she did today, she'd have yelled and been angry with me (even tho she stresses now how we're just as much roommates as mom and kid since I'm an adult, so we should treat each other more like roommates.) I was the one who was gracious and asked my artist if he was okay to check out my healing before he left (which he happily did, and he said he was glad I let him check because it showed responsibility as a tattoo owner that he doesn't always see) while she whined that we shouldn't have to pay for the visit and embarrassed the hell out of me (they didn't charge because we didn't tattoo today, and none of the artists at the shop have ever said they'd charge for a literal 'roll up your sleeve for two minutes and let me look' thing, tho I think they probably could and should--I'm willing to hand over my money to people who care about me and the art on my body.) I was the one who kept us on track during shopping and got us home at a decent time, with lunch, even tho my anxiety was at an all time high and I was already an over emotional mess. And I was the one trying to find a way to make her happy, even after she'd made me cry a few times over. I just wonder how long I'm going to go thru this with her. My five year plan now is to save up to move to California, but it's killing me I can't go now. To be closer to other artists and collab and share my art with them (one book in the series I'm writing is nearly done with my editing, the second books first draft is written, and I started writing the third books first draft this week, and I didn't even plan on it becoming a series); to be away from my mom and my family's bullshit; to be in a state that will protect my orientation and gender identity (they can still fire u for that first one in ND)--it all feels so close yet so far away and days like today I just feel so tired of living the way I am, yet I don't have the money or options to change anything yet. This got way too long--if u read it all, thank u but also I'm sorry. U can tell it got too long cause I've given up typing as formally as I usually do. Anyway, I should take this moment to thank u all for still following me and reading my blog--writing and rants alike. It's a small comfort, but it makes me feel less alone. And on days like today, that's one of the few things I have. Here's to hoping for easier days with family, for me and any of u guys that might be struggling with similar issues right now. If any of u ever need to vent, my ear is ready to listen (and comfort if u want.)

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, so today was good. I successfully convinced myself to get out of bed at 10:15, so that's progress. I'm hoping I can fall asleep on only one Xanax tonight but I'm not gonna push it if it's not working. Anyway, I got up and got dressed, then pretty soon after headed out to brunch to meet my cousin with my brother. This is the cousin who's baby shower I was at two weeks ago and she's due in mid-July, so by the next time I'm in NY she'll have had the baby. I'm so excited to be an unofficial aunt!! Lol. I'm hoping it's a girl, so I can buy a ton of adorable little girl clothes, because they're so adorable they just make me melt. And if not I can always just give them to my other friend who is having a girl a week or so afterwards, so that works lol. We were going to this place's new location that I'd been to their old one of, but it's. Even some time. I ended up getting a Belgian waffle with berries, and it was okay, not as good as I was expecting but oh well. The conversation was good, we talked about the baby and upcoming delivery as well as just catching up on each other's lives and the latest adventures we've had, and of course some gossip from our former school lol which is always both interesting and rather ridiculous, so that's always enjoyable. But yeah, overall it was a pleasant meal. Drove back with my brother and discussed various legal things, which is what most of our conversations consist of because it's pretty much the only topic we can have a civil conversation about without it devolving into some sort of argument (sigh). I have been needling him lately just because I can get away with it by like when someone would say something related to men and women but fairly benign I'd just like sigh and be like "ugh, the patriarchy" or "thanks patriarchy" (in the way one would say thanks Obama) and I know it always gets a rise out of him and I immediately have to tell him I'm kidding and just teasing him but he still is all peeved about it and it's so funny, it feels like finally getting a very small amount of payback for all the torture he gave me in our childhood (double sigh, but not getting into that now). By the time we got home we didn't have all that much time before we had to head to the grad party for our family friend's youngest son, so I worked on cleaning out my purse in an attempt to find my insurance card, which was unsuccessful much to my irritation. I'm hoping I'll find it when I get back to Chi tomorrow and I just like left it somewhere random, otherwise I have to order a new one which is a pain, and they always want to make a copy of it when I go to PT appointments so I know they wouldn't be pleased if I didn't have it. Sigh. My purse definitely needed to be cleaned out anyway though haha, it was collecting a lot of junk papers and dirt at the bottom. It's not too worn out, but I'm not sure how much more life it has in it. I can probably get it to last through August at least when I come back to New York. I tend not to do very much personal shopping when I'm in Chi just because I like doing those things with other people and usually just do them with my sister. I was anxious to get to the party because I wanted to see my friend, the older brother of the kid who graduated that I grew up with and did shows with, who I haven't seen since December when we saw jersey boys, and my parents tend to take forever to get places (much to my eternal irritation) so I went ahead with my younger brother and my younger sister, since we apparently needed multiple cars for people to leave at different times anyway. We arrived on time, but we're still some of the first people there besides a few family members. It was mostly family people arriving at first, most of whom we know because we've seen them at many many parties over the years. They always have a huge 4th of July party with all of the family in attendance because their oldest son's birthday is July 3rd and their dad's birthday is July 5th, so with the 4th already being a holiday it just makes sense to have a party, so I'm used to seeing these people every year. There were some children, a little boy that was 20 months old, and then two little girls, the older of which I had played with at the 4th of July party two years ago and ended up pushing her on the swing and talking to her for a good amount of time, because I love children of course lol. I knew she wouldn't remember though, she's 5 years old haha. And then her younger sister is about 2, and I don't think I've seen her before. So I was playing with them a bit and then assisting in getting their dog in the back because the older girl was absolutely petrified of her (she's about 20 pounds a giant ball of black and white fluff, but children aren't always rational) and then helped them set up a movie in the super intense home theatre they have (they're like giant movie buffs) so just like slowly winning the kids trust lol so I enjoyed that. We stayed at the party pretty much all night, mostly hanging with my friend and sister, but also talking to various people throughout it. The second oldest brother who is my age and I was good friends with for years when we were younger (until his younger brother started doing theatre with me and we became much closer) had his new girlfriend there, who by all accounts is his first girlfriend, so we spent a while talking to her and teasing him about various things. This is the boy I took to prom and have known literally my whole life, so I definitely get to tease him about this lol. She was really nice though and I like her a lot, so I'm happy for him. At one point in high school, like freshman year, I thought I might have romantic feelings for him, but it was a very fleeting thought and passed rather quickly. If I was interested, I would've made a move a long time ago lol so I'm just happy for him. His younger brother however is a more complicated story. I've kind of vacillated between considering him romantically or just platonically for a few years now. I think I'm romantically attracted to him but not sexually attracted to him? Like I think we could have a great romantic relationship and I'm attracted to that potential but I can't see us really having a sexual relationship. And I mean, he's one of my best friends and has been for years, we're really close and have done so much together and just really enjoy each other's company, so I think to some degree those type of romantic feelings are just a result of that. I have zero idea if he has any attraction to me, it's never a subject we've broached and honestly not one I've ever considered actually broaching with him. I figured if he decided to bring it up I'd probably be willing to give it a chance, but I'm not gonna just go for it when I'm not sure how I feel. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I enjoyed talking to everyone though, even if I had to ignore a few comments that bugged me a bit for the sake of not starting fights at family events. There was a bit of a spat between my mother and my sister, starting over my sister's shirt that my mother didn't approve of, and then moving on to the subject of therapy. My mom was saying she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't think my sister needs it, and I was just like "well you're not in her mind so you can't really make that determination" and basically just ended up mediating the fight while also advocating for my sister. I've always, always encouraged parents to take their teenagers feelings seriously and not just blow them off as teenagers being overdramatic and hormonal. Teens aren't stupid, they have strongly developed feelings like any adult would and if they say they're struggling you need to listen to them and take them seriously. I know too many parents who didn't and it ended up really hurting their kid and their relationship with their kid because of it. By the end of it my mom wasn't fully convinced, she said we'll talk about it more, but I'm gonna keep on her about it by phone because I very strongly feel this is something that needs to happen. My mom was objecting that my sister doesn't open up to her and she needs to do that before she can open up to someone else, but I said I think the exact opposite is true, that if she gets comfortable opening up to someone else it's more likely that she will start opening up to my mother, and that did seem to make sense to her. So hopefully she's considering it. I'm not a psychologist, but I know my sister has anxiety issues and I've been saying that since she was like 8 and started doing poorly in school, and she often says she feels like she has issues controlling her anger and I feel like that definitely needs to be addressed. So hopefully that will work out. I think we ended up leaving around 9, and upon getting home I immediately grabbed my laptop and tuned in to the live recording of the DCTV podcasts marathon they've been doing all day that I was just then being able to listen to, and I spent the better part of two hours listening to that and commenting in the chat while also doing various other computer things. It's always my goal in the chat to say something that gets them to mention it on the actual recording, and I was successful twice tonight, both with very funny reactions, so I felt good about that. After that ended I got in the shower then went on my phone for a bit before writing this post, and now I'm gonna go to sleep because I have to wake up nice and early to get to the airport in the morning. Goodnight my lovelies. Sleep restfully.

[eldri-sv]

28 - Aizawa

Kaori Shinsou has always been fascinated by people’s minds. She is one of the best students in her Criminal Psychology course at U.A. and - being the lucky girl she is - her professor is not only one handsome dude, but is also working on the case of the serial killer Stain - a case that has been going on for years. As she is about to become Professor Aizawa’s TA during the next term, a lot of other interesting cases start popping up all over the country…

Welcome to my cage, little lover

(MISSIO - Bottom Of The Deep Blue Sea)

It was killing Shouta Aizawa to act so cold towards Shinsou. And it was even worse that she seemed to take it all to heart way too much. The girl had been a mess for the last week. The circles under her eyes got deeper, she was constantly spilling her coffee which left coffee stains all over her clothes. The corners of her eyes looked red, irritated and swollen. Aizawa had no clue what to do about this.

Of course today was the day that Tsukauchi had finished all his paperwork and decided to talk to Shinsou. Aizawa didn't even have the heart to tell her in person, so he just shot her an email, telling her that Tsukauchi wanted to meet with her and to come to the classroom at 5 in the afternoon, during office hours. Hopefully she would actually come. He'd understand if she'd just ignore his emails at the moment.

Suddenly there was a soft, but urgent knock on the door. That had to be her. She was around five minutes late and Aizawa really hoped that she had made up a good excuse for that. Tsukauchi wasn't harsh in any way, but he did not like people being late, even though he'd never actually say it to someone.

"Come in." he called out. The door quickly opened and Shinsou rushed in, a nervous smile on her face. She was wearing a pair of loose fitting black slacks and a blouse that only had a minimal amount of coffee stains on it. Her hair was open and looked quite messy and her eyes seemed sleepy. Had she been napping in the library again?

"I'm sorry, Mr. Tsukauchi, Sir. I was studying and lost track of time, so I had to rush up here. I swear, any normal week I'd never be late." she said, giving him a weak smile. She glanced at Aizawa nervously.

"No worries, Miss Shinsou. Please, sit down." Tsukauchi answered with a smile. Aizawa watched Shinsou slowly pull out one of the chairs and sit down carefully, almost as if she was trying not to make any noise. He had another look at her face and it looked like there was the imprint of a book on her cheek. So she had been sleeping in the library again after all.

"I'm not sure how much Mr. Aizawa has already told you about this little meeting..." Tsukauchi started. Kaori looked up at him and their eyes met. Aizawa had no idea how to react so he just kept eye contact. It was Shinsou who looked away after a few seconds and back at Tsukauchi.

"He hasn't told me anything, Sir. Just that you wanted to meet me." she replied. Tsukauchi nodded.

"Alright. The purpose of this meeting is that I have a proposition for you. I've seen your work in the arson case and the Stain incidents in Hosu City and I have to say I was impressed. I asked your superior... Tensei Iida... about you and he only had good things to say about you. The same goes for Mr. Aizawa as your professor. We could really use someone like you on our team." Tsukauchi started explaining. Shinsou gave him a confused look, as if she didn't quite understand.

"But you have Mr. Aizawa, don't you?" she asked and looked at him, surprise in her eyes. A tiny smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"We do, but there is a lot of work and Mr. Aizawa also has his teaching job at the university to look after. You're a really bright student and are doing good work in your specific area. I thought it would be a shame to have you stuck at the Hosu City Department for the foreseeable future, especially since your reports are already in a lot of our files anyway. So I wanted to ask you if you would like to transfer from Hosu to the National Police Department to continue your work studies there." Tsukauchi replied. Shinsou looked at him with an open mouth.

"But... I don't understand..." she muttered. Aizawa leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. He had a hard time not to smile at her being so perplexed.

"We want you to do your work studies as a Criminal Psychologist at the National Police Department. You'll be working closely with Mr. Aizawa, which shouldn't be a problem, since you seem to be getting on perfectly fine in this setting already..." Tsukauchi started, not noticing the sudden tension that filled the room. Shinsou gave him a look he couldn't even interpret, while biting her lip, and he was shifting in his chair uncomfortably. Maybe they should have a talk after this.

"... which means he will have a lighter workload and you get to work on more interesting and complex cases. Of course you'll get enough time to finish up any work in Hosu and to prepare for your exams right now. Mr. Aizawa has been very insistent on you getting some time off to relax. I think the first thing we would like you to do is to talk to Stain in Tartarus, once he is well enough for that. We'll see how things go from there. What do you think?" Tsukauchi finished his proposal.

Aizawa didn't think he had ever seen Shinsou this awe-struck. She seemed to still be processing what Tsukauchi had just told her. It was a quite spectacular offer for someone who was still in university. It wasn't unheard of, it had happened before, but not very often. It was an honour.

"I... you want me to transfer my work studies? From the Hosu department to the... the national department?" she wanted to know. She almost made it sound as if it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

"That is right. You don't have to give me an answer right away, but I have been talking to Mr. Iida and I have been looking into all the paperwork and if you just say the word, we can get everything in motion." Tsukauchi replied and got up, gathering up his things. Shinsou still seemed like she wasn't completely aware of what was going on.

"Well, anyway, Mr. Aizawa has my contact details, so you can let me know when you have made a decision. I have another appointment soon, so I'll have to get going..."

"I accept." Shinsou suddenly said, just as Tsukauchi was about to open the door to the classroom. He turned around and gave her a surprised look.

"What?"

"I accept. This offer is such an honour and it took me a while to realize what was actually happening, but... Mr. Tsukauchi, there is nothing I have ever wanted more than to work for the National Police Department." she told him in a strangely neutral and professional tone of voice. Aizawa smiled a little. She didn't seem too enthusiastic at this moment, but he knew exactly that she was.

"Well, that was a faster decision than I thought it would be. I'm glad. I'll make sure to get everything ready and be in contact with you about the details of the work study and when you can start. I'll talk to you. Goodbye, Miss Shinsou." Tsukauchi replied with a friendly smile on his face.

"Goodbye, Sir." she answered, her voice sounding dazed and a small smile slowly growing on her face, as he was on his way out. For a few seconds she was just staring at the void in front of her and then let out a gleeful laugh. She looked up at Aizawa with the biggest grin he had ever seen on her.

"Well done, Shinsou." he said to her and nodded. Her smile started to fade again. She started picking up her bag and got up from her chair.

"I'm sorry, Sir, I should get going as well." she mumbled and made her way towards the door. Aizawa didn't want her to go. He got up from his chair. Maybe now was a good time to bring it up.

"Don't leave, Shinsou." he replied. She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around to him. She looked like she was feeling miserable. Aizawa pinched the bridge of his nose. How did this all happen?

"Sir?" she asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper. Well, Aizawa, here goes nothing. Good luck.

"I know, I might have been a little... difficult during the last week. And I'm sorry about that. There have been a few rumours that have come to my attention and I realized that I might need to try harder to avoid... giving off the wrong impression. The way I did that was probably not the right way. But I hope you understand, Shinsou." he did his best to explain. Why was this such an awkward thing to talk about?

"I see. So what are you gonna do about those rumours then?" she wanted to know with a raised eyebrow. Aizawa sighed. Honestly, he had no idea. But she couldn't write her exams in that state, that much was clear.

"I don't know yet. I'll figure something out. Just focus on your exams and don't worry about it." he answered. She nodded and a small smile crept on her face again. God, it was good to see her smile at him again.

"Alright then, Mr. Aizawa. Was there... anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, actually. The summer camp." Aizawa replied. He should have really brought this up way earlier than he did, but there were some obvious reasons he hadn't done that. Shinsou seemed confused.

"But the summer camp is only for the first three years, I'm not going..." she protested. She knew exactly what the summer camp could be like and it was harsh. The third years usually got off easy, since it was their last year before they went on to work or before they went into active service.

"Every TA is accompanying their professor for the summer camp, if they are the coordinator for a course. Now, I know you're not my TA yet, but... to be honest, I really need some help with these kids, because they're doing my head in. Plus, you could use the time to get some training done. I'm talking about weapon training specifically and maybe some more hand-to-hand self-defense training." he explained. He knew he would probably die if he had to handle that course of first years on his own.

"They're that bad?" Shinsou wanted to know.

"You have no idea." Aizawa said. With all that awkwardness suddenly gone, he really wanted a cigarette now. He'd need one before he'd be able to get back to preparing the exams for his first year course and the Criminal Psychology course. At least he was still further ahead than Yamada.

"Well, I don't think I have any plans for the summer, so I should be good to go. If it's okay with the administration, that is." Shinsou replied with a smile. Aizawa huffed. As if the administration was going to say anything.

"Administration doesn't give a shit."

[neighbours-kid]

June, July, Whatever

Yeah. Remember when I said I’d try and not slip up again, trying to post every month? Turned out great, didn’t it. Honestly, life has been so all over the place and at the same time absolutely uneventful lately, that it’s all a big ball of SOMETHING in my brain, and I don’t even know what happened when. But let’s see.

I started June the absolutely best way imaginable — falling into bed somewhat after midnight exhausted but so fucking proud and happy, after watching six hours of Good Omens. I have obviously not shut up about it since. My friends can attest to that.

And that is basically my June, to be honest. I yelled about Good Omens a lot, both in real life to my friends, in text messages, on twitter, tumblr and instagram.

Well…..I did also go to a wedding on June 1st, and to a convention in Cologne, Germany at the end of the month (which you can all read about here if you haven’t already), which was also really fucking exciting and cool and I had a wonderful time there.

I also watched the new and last season of Jessica Jones, which I think was pretty decent, but it did drag from time to time. I couldn’t binge through it, my attention span for it was close to non-existent. But it was fairly okay.

Not to forget, June was obviously also Pride Month, and I had a great pride with my friends, which was really good. It feels so incredibly liberating to surround yourself with people who are just like you, to find people who can relate to you and the other way around, to find, well, birds of a feather, if you will. I’m pretty sure there’s still glitter in my apartment from then, though. It’s the herpes of arts and craft, folks. Never goes away.

Oh, yeah, one other thing that happened in June, that is important to mention: I had my first appointment with a doctor about going on testosterone. I was really nervous about it, but she was incredibly lovely and helpful, and just a dream of a doctor, to be honest. I have my next appointment with her early in October, and between now and then I have to talk to a psychologist twice to get some papers, but overall she said there should be no problem with me being able to start taking testosterone from that next appointment on. Which I am very happy about. She was very uncomplicated and incredibly informative. I am currently still waiting for the psych person to send me a date, but if that doesn’t happen until next week, I’ll have to contact my doctor again, and she’ll figure it out. I am very excited that things are going forward now. Really gives me something to look forward to.

Now, July.

July was, well, not much different, to be honest. Lots of yelling about Good Omens, with equal amounts of yelling about just Michael Sheen (if you haven’t been privy to that, you should probably be glad). I did some work for two weeks — could, technically, have gone back to do even more, but I hate work and I have shit to do —, and watched a lot of stuff, as well.

I saw Spider-Man: Far From Home, which was really good, but also sort of destroyed my heart for a, well, moment. Well, moment might be a bit too short. You know what I mean. I just really miss Tony. Still breaks my heart.

I binged through two seasons of The Marvellous Mrs. Maisel, finally, which was really fucking great, can’t wait for the third season to come out. I’m really hoping they bring Benjamin back (I know, I’m biased because it’s Zac). I also watched the third part of La Casa de Papel/Money Heist which came out, and good GOD, if they don’t release a fourth part very soon, I’m gonna lose my shit with that cliffhanger they left us with. This show is so fucking good. Spanish TV, y’all. It’s incredible.

Then there’s one more thing I did in July. I started my deep-dive into Michael Sheen’s filmography. I have so far seen nine of his movies (two of which already fall into August though), and I become more amazed by the man’s talent after every new movie I see. He is a fucking acting chameleon, and I still can’t wrap my head around how just a bit of weight change, or a different hairstyle, or length of facial hair can change this man’s appearance so much that he becomes nearly unrecognisable. I do, however, say this. It’s getting better, now that I see the movies, and not just pictures or gifs of it. Before I started, I looked at pictures of him in, say, Underworld, and I could not see a single thing connecting this Michael to the Michael who played Aziraphale in Good Omens. There were no similarities. But now that I’ve seen one of the Underworld movies? I see it, I can see it now. Certain gestures or expressions give him away. But still. He is insanely talented and I wish I had a smidge of his shapeshifting talent, because it’s incredible and I am very much jealous.

So far, I’ve seen: Midnight in Paris (2014), Passengers (2016), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box (2013), Bright Young Things (2003), Far from the Madding Crowd (2015), Beautiful Boy (2010), Laws of Attraction (2004), and Home Again (2017), with the last two, officially, falling already into August, but never mind that.

My favourite look of his was probably in Curse of the Midas Box (even though, y’all, his Miles in Bright Young Things? Excellent. Stunning. Absolutely beautiful), and my overall favourite movie, probably…….Passengers, even though I don’t like Jennifer Lawrence, and I don’t really care that much for Chris Pratt. But, well, Michael was excellent in it, and I love that little android he plays.

But I’ll shut up about Michael now, I will, likely, make a specific post about my current hyperfixation on him once I’ve actually seen everything he’s been in. And I mean everything, really.

Yeah…that’s my life for you, right there. Not much happening except watching a lot of stuff. I should be working on a seminar paper and start studying for two exams, but you know me. My scatterbrain mind is not very good at actually doing things I should be doing, when I should be doing them, and will probably only flip the switch to ProductivityTM once the deadlines start approaching.

That is all from me for now.

Be seeing ya.