#have a surgery this morning for my birth control.

[swagging-back-to]

step 1; cancel your plastic surgery appointment.

step 2; practice confidence boosting activities.

step 3; look at other humans, realize whatever flaw you want to remove or change is normal.

[richarlotte]

What did you do/use for your facial beauty glow up?

Lip Filler.

I have 1.5 mL of lip filler at the moment and probably won’t get more any time soon. In my mind, it’s the perfect amount; it gives my lips a delicious, just bitten look, and it doesn’t look or feel unnatural. I’m someone who loves subtle changes; I’m not the sort of girl who’d go crazy with surgery, and I prefer to make my changes slowly. I started with .5 mL, slowly went up to 1.5 mL over the course of two more appointments, and I think plumping my lips up completely changed my lower face and made me look younger and more feminine.

Polynucleotide Injections.

This treatment is major in South Korea; it’s very popular, and one of my best friends went and came back singing its praises. After weight loss, this is the most important thing I have ever done for myself. These injections boosted my collagen production and made the terrible dark circles and puffiness under my eyes disappear. It took a few weeks for me to see the results, but I look like I’ve had an upper and lower blepharoplasty now; my eye area is completely rejuvenated and the skin is bright, and while my initial reaction to the set of treatments I had was intense, the end result was better than I could’ve ever hoped for.

A Comprehensive Skincare Routine.

The skin is the body’s largest organ, and the first step to learning how to care for it is understanding that you and it must be hydrated. Learning that what I put into my body was just as important as what I put onto my skin helped me change my approach to skincare. I mostly use French, Korean, and medical-grade skincare products, and I switch them out each season so that I can approach my needs correctly. Washing and changing my sheets twice weekly, going on a low estrogen birth control, and adding N-acetylcysteine to my supplements helped me more than I could ever say.

Minoxidil. 

Using Minoxidil to grow my eyebrows out was one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself. I love the look of thick, lush eyebrows, but I don’t actually like thick brows. I used minoxidil to grow my eyebrows until they were thick and I could have them threaded and thinned out just a bit, straightened, and tinted until they were the shape and shade I wanted. Minoxidil is a great tool; it's decently affordable, and while the results take a while to appear, once they've been appearing, they’re very noticeable. I also use a regular lash serum on my lashes to grow them; it’s from The Ordinary, and I think it works slowly but nicely. You do have to be very precise with your application of Minoxidil, but other than that, it’s very good for filling in sparse eyebrows.

Weight Loss.

Losing over 80 pounds, doing a complete overhaul of my diet and limiting the amount of processed foods I consume, making an effort to care for my body and mind, and changing my mental and physical health for the better completely changed my world. My insulin resistance is totally gone, I’m healed from the PCOS that once plagued me, I no longer eat the foods I have sensitivies to, and the inflammation and water retention I’d have the morning after are gone, and I feel like my best self. My double chin has been vanquished, my bone structure is visible again, and I love the way my nose looks, and I am so much more confident about the shape of my face. Losing weight is the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I’d recommend it to anyone who feels like they need to overhaul their life.

Proper Styling

Learning how to do my makeup, contouring my face with self-tanner, and styling my hair were all major parts of becoming more confident with my face. Now that I know what I’m doing with myself and I’ve been able to identify what suits me best, things come easier. Proper styling is what’ll make or break you. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world, but if you don’t care for your appearance, you’ll struggle. I put a lot of time and effort into learning what looked best on me, learning how to style myself, learning what worked with my facial shape and bone structure, and figuring out which lash maps, brow shape, makeup style, and colors suited the overall aesthetic I was going for. Learning about makeup products, trying a variety of different makeup styles, and new makeup techniques made a world of difference for my styling journey too.

Braces.

I had braces on for just over a year—traditional metal, power chains most of the time—and they were worth every cent. I was always insecure over my teeth, and fixing them has really made it easier for me to smile and express myself. Although they’re not perfectly straight or blindingly white (Kirsten Dunst is known for her smile for a reason), I’m confident, and I love them. Taking care of my teeth is something that I really struggled with at one point, and I have had to make a real effort to get better at that. I still have my dental routines, wear my retainer at night and through the day, and do brightening treatments, but I’m focused on the health of my mouth instead of aesthetics now.

These are the major things.

[transmascsub]

i want to have a 'friend', my roommate, convince me to get top surgery which keeps all my nipple sensitivity and bottom surgery that keeps my cock all small and sensitive and keeps my hole to 'avoid complications in surgery'. i'm so breedable right now that i have to be on oestrogen blockers and i want her to tell me to switch to the pill so i get all nice and round and plump.

then i want her to convince me that if i have a pussy still, and i can't get pregnant from it, it should be fine for her to use it? after all she's done for me. it's such a small thing, letting her use my pussy if i'm not even using it myself, and we're just friends, it's not weird. she does all the washing up so it's fair.

so she starts fucking me with her huge cock and it's so much and i'm so sensitive and i don't want to like it but all the hormones make my brain all swimmy and my cock all twitchy and i cum on her girlcock every time and hope she doesn't notice. i get all whimpery and whiny when she stuffs me and i just say it's because i'm uncomfortable but it's because it's so so good and i hate it so much.

she starts fucking me all day and night. if i'm doing work on my laptop she'll just pick me up and sit me back down on her cock and tell me to keep going. if i'm in the kitchen to make breakfast she'll ask if i don't mind awfully if she could get some help with her morning wood and she'll gently but firmly press me over the counter and stuff me so so full.

her friends come over and she casually brings up that i still have a pussy and they all ask for a go, and when i'm uncertain, they say that it's not fair that i get a pussy when they don't (they're all women) and the least i could do is let them fuck me and they're so firm and they push so hard that i just let them to avoid conflict. then they just keep casually talking to each other about nothing in particular like magic the gathering whilst wrecking me with their girlcocks. at one point one of them points out one of their cocks is making my tummy bulge each thrust and they record it and show the girl thrusting into me and they laugh or call it cute and i turn pink with embarrassment. of course i'm left with cum leaking out of me.

eventually she doesn't stop there. she knows i'm a breeding boy, and she's made me into a breeding cockslut. she swaps my birth control for a fertility med with aphrodisiac side effects and of course doesn't tell me. she leaves me to stir for a few days, getting plumper and more sensitive. my nipples feel teased by any clothes i wear. my cock is hard all of the time. she packs my schedule which exhausts me so i never have a second to touch myself.

after four days of being constantly teased and tortured, i break. all my objections are overcome by need and she's already fucking me anyway so what's the harm in asking if she'd like to do it now? and so i ask her if maybe she could fuck me. she probes me with questions and she makes me tell her that i enjoy it, that i cum on her cock every time, that i'm constantly moaning in pleasure when she's inside me. she makes me agree that i feel empty without it, that i'm desperate to please her and be stuffed with cum.

she makes me prove how much i love her cock, and i'm just so needy and desperate that i'd do anything. she makes me suck her off, and it's so so humiliating. she makes me watch her as i bounce my mouth on her cock. it's so thick and just a fraction of it fills my mouth all the way up and tears start spilling from my eyes. she calls me pathetic, that i'm so desperate for cock that i'd suck off my best friend, and that i must just be a total cockslut. she says i can't think of anything other than cock and being stuffed. she gets bored with my weak attempts and starts fucking my throat. she says that pleasing women is what i'm for, and that it's just uncomfortable because i'm not used to it, and once i understand my true purpose it'll get easier.

she doesn't cum in my throat. she forces it out, dripping with my saliva and her precum, and makes me beg her to breed me. i didn't think that she was being serious - i haven't been fertile in years - so i comply and plead with my fogged-up mind for her to cum inside of me and that i'll be good for her and that she can use me whenever she likes and i don't mind. i don't know or care about what i'm saying, i'm just saying anything to have her inside me. i'm too swimmy to think about anything but her cock.

she pulls out her phone and tells me to look up to the camera and say that i need her to breed me full. and i do, just not having enough brain to think about how foolish i was being. and she says i'll take you at your word, and finally, finally, she bends me over. she leaves her phone recording us but i don't notice. she rubs the tip of her cock against my opening and tells me how wet i am for her and how much of a pathetic slut i am. how she bets i can't think of anything other than cock. how she thinks that it's probably all i'm good for. it's torturous, her tip just so so close to what i need, and she just keeps teasing me. i just… adjust my angle, to make penetration easier for her, and she laughs at me for presenting myself, and how i'm just a dumb cockslut, and how she doesn't think there's much brain in there anymore. that i'm basically just a toy for her and her friends to pass around each other, and that i wouldn't mind. she says that they're going to fill me up with cum soooo nicely. that they'll take care of me so well. that my womb will be bulging with cum. that it's what my slutty body was made for: being bred over and over.

i'm squirming on her cock, desperate for her, but she's pinning my hips firmly to the bed and i just can't get it in me and i need it so much and i'm crying a little and i just start moaning please over and over. and she just looks at me and smiles and pets my hair and says, alright boytoy, and she pushes all the way inside me at once and i just. break. and then she starts thrusting and oh my god nothing has ever ever felt this good and she knows it and she asks me doesn't this feel nice and that this is what it could be like every day and i could just be a toy for women to use as they like. she tells me that i'm made for being bred. she grabs my thighs and my ass and tells me how they're all plump and lush and that's the way of nature telling everyone that i'm breedable and she's touching me all over and telling me how sensitive i am and how i wouldn't be so sensitive if i wasn't made to be touched like this. and i'm moaning so much that she can just assume that i agree with every word she says. and i can't think but i know it feels so good and that i need it so so so much and everything she says can be true as long as she never stops ever because nothing else will ever compare.

but i'm wrong. she tells me to beg her for her cum. i let out a string of pleases and moans and she gives me a spank and says properly. and i try so hard to concentrate and say that it'll feel really nice and i want it so much and she's right about everything and that i need it and i'm built for it and please please please. she makes me call her mistress, and i'm so deep in that i don't think about the fact that she's my best friend and we've been friends for years and i'm going to swap all of that to be her cockdrunk toy. and i just say please, mistress, please give me your cum, i need it, i need you, please, i'm so so desperate for it, i can't, i can't do anything but think about it, i'll do anything just please please please come inside of me.

this seems to, just about, satisfy her. she calls me her pathetic cuntboy, and that she'll fix me the cuntboy i was always meant to be. and she starts touching my cocklet and my nipples and i'm so so so close and she's going so fast and i can't and my whole body is overcome with pleasure. my cock is all pink and twitching and leaking and her fingers are magical. and then, pistoning in and out of me, she cums all the way inside me, filling me up, and it's the greatest moment of my life so far and it's so much and it's everything. and i cum but i don't even really notice.

she gives me a kiss on the forehead and tells me that i've done so so well for her, and that i'm going to make such a good toy and be so useful for the community. little do i know that she's planning to use me as an incubator for lesbian couples struggling with fertility so after a month of being fertilised she plans to take out the embryo from me and breed me again. i'm just a breeding machine to her. and she owns me, and that much i already know.

[copperbadge]

Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday!

Ways to Give:

discursivetacenda is an ace artist in NW Indiana, outside of Chicago, facing eviction after struggling to make rent while unemployed; they need to raise about $1K before the 16th of this month. They are offering commissions and also selling on Etsy; you can read more, reblog, and find commission and giving information here.

Anon linked to trippingthemoonlightfantastic needs to make rent after the passing of their mother; they are selling watercolor florals on their Etsy and offering special reduced prices on tumblr. You can purchase from their Etsy here or read more at tumblr here.

a_phoenixdragon is raising funds to cover bills for the next week; she has hit a rough financial patch that is lasting longer than expected and needs help to make it to payday. You can read more and find giving information here.

mtdewwhore is a queer afro-indigenous person offering tarot and tea readings to help raise rent while they recover from brain surgery; they are also currently a caregiver for a 3-year-old. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

Mendi is blind and has been unemployed for almost six months despite active jobsearching; she's applying for services to gain income but many are on hold due to requirements to prove her disability. She needs to raise funds to cover bills and stay above water; you can read more and support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to naamahdarling and her partner, who lost two of their beloved cats this week, Smooch and Raleigh; they're raising funds for assistance with covering medical bills and end-of-life expenses. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

Recurring Needs:

onedollopofsourcream is raising funds for food and medication for their family including young children; they need medication that is important for family mental health. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

we_are_spc's AC in their house has gone out, and they are trying to stay cool with only one fan; they are unemployed, and the heat is bad for both their asthma and their cats. They have a tech coming on Tuesday, but still need to raise funds to cover the repair; you can read more and support the fundraiser here or give via paypal at celticphoenyx@gmail.com, via venmo at rowansong, or via cashApp at rowansong.

loversdoom has recently been diagnosed with PCOS and needs help to afford the prescribed birth control pills on top of living expenses; you can read more, reblog, and find giving information here or give via paypal here.

thegeeksqueaks's school district has shorted her on her summer teacher's budget; she can't afford currently to stock her classroom for back-to-school. She's raising funds to get food and hygiene tools for underserved kids as well as various aids for neurodivergent kids. You can read more and reblog here, give via DonorsChoose here or via paypal here, or purchase from an Amazon wishlist here.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

[doberbutts]

Congrats on the upcoming top surgery! I wanted to toss my little tip into the ring here: if you can help it, try not to pee on the morning of your procedure until you get to the hospital. You’ll have had no water from fasting the day/night before, and if you pee in the morning you may have difficulty producing a urine sample pre-op for pregnancy testing. Between the mild dehydration and the nerves, I managed literally 2 drops, which was thankfully enough for them to test but it was kinda stressful tbh. Plus I didn’t even consider a testing requirement so I like to give people a heads up. Hoping all goes well for you!

Interesting, no one has mentioned pre-op pregnancy testing to me. Wonder if I can get out of it since A: haven't had sex in longer than it takes to make a baby B: my birth control is that I don't use that part of me literally ever

[stevieschrodinger]

“Rob, come on!”

“Don’t you ‘come on!’ me!”

Steve immediately snorts a laugh.

Rob gets all flustered, “I didn’t- I mean- oh fuck you very much Harrington.”

“Don’t worry Rob,” Steve chokes out around his laughter, “I’ll try not to come- try not to get it- oh my god,” Steve dissolves into breathless laughter.

Rob slaps the manila file into Steve’s hands, “I don’t have time for your bullshit,” and she marches off down the corridor, kitten heals clacking on the linoleum.

Steve jogs to catch up, “what would Vicki say?” Steve asks, mock scandalized.

She cuts her eyes at him, scowling from behind her too long bangs, “don’t even joke.”

Steve opens the file while Robin pulls out her key card and straightens her jacket. What she wears is far more stylish than what she did when they were teenagers, but she’s never quite grown out of being a little gangly. Where Steve filled out even further, what with the morning runs and evening swims, weekends spent at the local gym and basketball court, Robin has always remained very slim. She looks good today though, she’s definitely grown up, but thank god she never grew out of being Robin – for some reason today she’s paired an emerald green jacket with navy pinstripe pants and shiny, cherry red shoes and somehow, it kind of, sort of, works.

It’s probably the colorful scarf pulling it together, or something.

“The files a little light,” Steve comments as she activates the security lock and holds the door open for him to pass through.

“Yeap. First fourteen years are...pretty vague. I’ve tracked the parents; the mother’s been dead a few years,” Steve makes a face, “and the dad is a guest of the state,” Steve can feel his face crumple even further. “Yeah. He’d been in and out for a while, assault, aggravated assault, theft, possession, possession with intent, honestly it’s a laundry list, the one that stuck was manslaughter.”

“Oh man, not the mom,” Robin makes a face in answer, “fucking hell.”

Robin holds up her badge for security to see, and they get buzzed through. Steve’s nose tickles with all the Omega scents.

“Luckily he wasn’t around at the end, I don’t know if he even knows about his parents. They kicked him out when he presented,” Steve tuts, “yeah, I know, but it was actually the best thing they ever did for him. He was picked up by his uncle, dad’s brother. The guy had regular, full time employment, suddenly the kid’s got medical records, there’s regular prescriptions for blockers and birth control, his school attendance goes from fifty five percent to ninety seven.”

“So the uncle is a good guy?”

Robin sighs, nods, “hopefully he pulls through.”

Steve continues to scan the file as Robin stops them at the final doorway, leaning against the closed door, “says here he’s non verbal?”

“Most of the time, it’s behavioral, he can speak, does, occasionally. We picked him up from the hospital; he’d gone in with his uncle, cardiac arrest that led to some complications, he's had a couple of surgeries already, but he might be in for a while. He's waiting for a pacemaker now, I think.”

“Shitty.”

“Yeah. Steve, listen a second. This kid...it could be anything. He was clearly malnourished growing up, this could be a trauma response. He might suffer with PTSD, might get separation anxiety-”

“Yeah, Rob, I get it.”

“I just,” she deflates a little, hopeless, “this isn’t the place for him. The other Omega, they mean well, they try and include him, and you know what they’re like, curious about new people, but that just drives him away. He doesn’t come out of his room much. Stopped coming into the dining hall for meals; I tried to wait it out, thought if he got hungry enough he’d cave,” she spreads her hands, “nada. I had to cave; he just eats in his room. And he’s terrible with food. Basically unless it’s been shaped into a nugget or came out of a can, he doesn’t get it. Like he’s never even seen real food before...this just...it’s not the place for him here Steve. All the others, it’s like...like a camp out for them, you know? Not him though, he needs some stability. He needs a home.”

“I get it Rob, it’s not my first rodeo.”

“I know, I know, that’s why I called you first, obviously...it’s just. I know it’s a lot. And I know it’s hard on you, after.”

Steve thinks of Dustin, who still calls him the first Sunday of every month without fail; how he’s expecting his first pup with his mate Suzie. Thinks of Max, how fierce she is, how close they got even in the short time they were together. Her mom made it through rehab though, and got custody back. She still drops by sometimes, and Steve loves to see her. The last time she brought her new boyfriend, Lucas, with her, looking for approval from the only father figure she’s ever really had. The Byers boys who came into his care when their mother had some sort of psychotic episode. How the Beta Jonathan had been so stand offish, where Will, too young to have presented yet, had sort Steve out to cuddle into every night. It was bittersweet, the day Joyce got custody back; Steve was glad it worked out for them, but he was still devastated to see them go.

He’s helped out with a lot of kids over the last six years; he can do this.

“It is...but it’s worth it.”

“Steve,” Robin touches his arm, briefly, “this one will be worse. Fostering kids is one thing, being a temporary pack Alpha for them...Eddie is two months off being eighteen years old, legally able to take a mate, potentially sexually active-”

“Rob, I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. And if he needs me,” Steve shrugs, “it is what it is.”

“Steve,” she tries again, voice gentle, “I just need you to be sure.”

Steve’s only had one other Omega in his care who was old enough to need Steve in a sexual manner, as well as all the other needs that the people in his temporary pack often have; when she left it was...bad. Neither of them ever say Nancy’s name out loud, haven’t for a couple of years. But Steve knows now, what it is he’s getting into.

He knows this has the potential to be painful, he’s broken enough bonds now. Pack scent bonds; it’s unavoidable. It’s the support of an Alpha, it’s exactly what Steve is there to provide. What happens after will not be Eddie’s problem; it’ll be Steve’s.

And he won’t make the mistake he made with Nancy. This time he’ll remember that Eddie’s going to leave, won’t let himself fall into the illusion that it’s real. He knows now, that it hurts.

Just like it has every other time, when his new pack leaves.

“It’ll be fine Rob. I’ll be fine.”

She bites her lip, not looking sure at all, but she nods and leans more against the door, pushing it open with her shoulder as Steve follows her though. There’s laughter along the hall, two young Omega playing chase rush past them, “take it outside please!” Robin yells after them.

Steve tags along, knows all the doorways are bedrooms; young Omega on this wing, all in need of a safe haven. Steve can hear the bustle and chatter of the dining room, the clatter and scrape of cutlery loud as they pass the doorway. At the very end of the hall, the last door stands propped open by a plastic chair, there’s a red plastic tray with a plate sitting on it. There’s evidence of crumbs and sauce from what had been eaten, but the peas haven’t been touched. The window is open too, letting in a fresh breeze. The Omega is curled up, wedged in the corner of the room on his single bed, a book held open in his hand as he stares at them in the doorway.

“You know you won’t die if you eat a green thing, right?” Robin asks him.

He tilts his head, his curly hair shifting, and purses his lips, kind of frowning with one eyebrow quirked up, to Steve is sort of says, ‘why take the risk?’. Steve has to school his features so he doesn’t laugh.

“Okay Eddie, this is Steve, and he’s been kind enough to offer to put a roof over your head for the next little while, how does that sound?”

Eddie shrugs.

“Good enough for me,” Robin replies like Eddie’s spoken, “okay, pack your things.”

It’s not a scowl, not really, but the way Eddie side eyes the radio means...well, Steve’s not even sure what it means, “you can change it, if you like.”

Eddie huffs and shrugs, crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in the car seat, looking out of the window. The next song comes on; Steve pretty sure it’s Taylor Swift, and Eddie suddenly lunges for the radio. He presses the seek button until he hits something that, to Steve, sounds like two angry guitars hate fucking in a bear infested mine, but he lets it go since Eddie doesn’t turn it up any louder.

Steve carries Eddie’s unfortunately light bag of belongings into the house, “we can go shopping, maybe tomorrow or the day after. I don’t know if you know how this works or not, but you have a state budget, or rather, I do, for you. So don’t worry, if you need anything, just ask.”

He leaves Eddie’s bag at the foot of the stairs, Eddie cautiously following him as Steve points out the blindingly obvious, “lounge, kitchen, through there is the garage, that’s out to the yard.” Eddie eyes are huge in his head, darting around like he doesn’t know what to do with them. “Utility through there, bring me your basket when you need, I’ll show you how to use the machines. That’s my office, I work from home two days a week, but I have to go into the office for three,” there’s a distinct spike of anxiety in the air, “but that isn’t for a couple of weeks, or until your Alpha is better, so don’t worry yet. One of the perks; you get me PTO.”

Eddie frowns at him, “Paid Time Off.”

Eddie frowns again like Steve’s presented him with an alien. Never mind.

“Okay, upstairs, this is my room,” Steve opens the door, watches as Eddie scans the room with poorly disguised interest. The bed is neatly made, the thick comforter and pillows all fluffed up. The carpet a deep gray and the rest of the room dark rich wood with some splashes of forest green, “now, I’ll show you your room, but it’s entirely up to you where you sleep. I under stand that your uncle was your familial Alpha and you lived in close quarters so...where you sleep is up to you. If you need that.”

Eddie’s gone so red Steve worries his head might explode; Steve, somehow, manages not to laugh at him. He shows Eddie to the next door down, “this is your room, I will never come in here unless you explicitly invite me or I think there’s a genuine cause for concern, okay? There’s a lock on the door, but I do have a master. So if you don’t want me barging in, you need to let me know you’re okay when I ask, okay?”

Eddie nods.

“Good, I need to be clear about that from the start,” Steve puts Eddie’s bag down in the threshold, “there’s extra nesting materials in the top of the wardrobe, the bathroom is through there, help yourself to all the toiletries, they’re for you. Feel free to chill out for a bit, get cleaned up, I’ll do food for about six ish.”

And Steve leaves him to it.

Steve’s chicken parm is, even if he says so himself, pretty damn good. His sauce is ninety percent blended vegetables; carrots, tomatoes, bell peppers; a trick he learned when trying to hide more vegetables in the kids food. He’s got a similar recipe for mac and cheese that no one has ever complained about, even though the sauce is at least fifty percent carrot.

Also, he figures the breaded chicken is just, like, a giant chicken nugget, right?

So that has to look sort of familiar. And you can get spaghetti out of a can so, surely, this isn't so different.

If Eddie doesn’t like cheese...well, that’s just unnatural. Steve’ll just have to take him back to Robin.

Steve’s got everything on plates and is about to call for Eddie, but the kid appears in the doorway, exactly six oclock. He’s got his arms wrapped around himself, uncertainty coloring the air, but he’s here, that’s the important thing.

They eat together in the breakfast nook, Eddie picks at his food rather than just eating. Steve tries to match his pace, suspicious that as soon as Steve stops eating, Eddie will stop too. He’s right.

Steve makes a mental note to do a grocery shop and go heavy on the snacks. Steve can see the evidence of Eddie growing up malnourished. He’s too pale, his eyes far too large in his face, his joints protrude and his clothes hang off his frame.

There’s no conversation, but Steve doesn’t push it. It’s not time yet.

They watch TV for a while before bed, Eddie curled up tight at the opposite end of the couch, as far from Steve as he can get. Steve adopts a relaxed posture, lets himself sink down. Pulls a blankets off the back of the couch to go across his knees and leaves another in the middle, an obvious hint to Eddie if he wants it. He doesn’t touch it.

Eddie slips away after an hour, heads upstairs. Steve watches the kid go but doesn’t say anything. It’s a pretty solid start; he’s had much, much worse. Eddie doesn’t appear to be any kind of flight risk, which is a huge plus in Steve’s book.

He messages Rob with an update before pulling out his laptop and responding to some emails. He might legitimately have a couple of weeks off work, but that doesn’t mean he wants to return to a landslide of unanswered messages when he does go back.

He heads to bed a little after. Showers and goes through his night time routine; it’s only nine but it’s been a bit of a day, and Steve intends to read for a while. It’s thirty minutes before he hears Eddie’s door open and close. The creak of the stairs. Steve sneaks to his own door, opens it a little and stands there, ears straining.

Listens as the front door rattles but doesn’t open. The key is right there, Eddie’s not trying to escape; he’s checking the house is secure. Steve hears the fridge door a few moments later, then the TV, turned down low.

Steve goes back to bed, happy that Eddie is already making himself at home. He’s asleep thirty minutes after that. And he sleeps well, until something disturbs him, the bed covers shifting. Eddie freezes when he realizes he’s woken Steve. Steve’s still half asleep, and it’s easy to just not make a big deal of it, he yawns, lifting the covers. Eddie slips in, rolling over and wriggling back, allowing himself to be the little spoon. Steve throws a leg, an arm, and the covers over Eddie’s slim frame, and easily goes back to sleep.

When Steve wakes up, Eddie’s gone again.

Steve finds Eddie on the couch. It’s a scene he’s used to, the TV displaying the little, ‘are you still watching?’ box. He’s had a lot of kids who can’t sleep without company, or background noise, or something, and finding them on the couch is pretty normal.

What’s not normal is the position Eddie is sleeping in, his head hanging off the edge, one arm flopped awkwardly above his head and the other bent underneath him, one leg hooked over the back of the couch. He’s snoring. It’s...kind of loud.

And also kind of adorable. Steve pushes those feelings down reminds himself; he cannot get attached to this one.

He knows how much it hurts.

[shewolverinesworld]

Safe House 3

CW: coercive control, surgery , nightmares, P in V, very rough sex, breeding, minors DNI 18

It's been a few days at the safehouse with Logan and you keep having nightmares

You are underwater you feel drills going into your flesh and a searing hot liquid entering your body. You want to scream but you are trapped in your body....you hear faint voices.

Killgrave: so this X liquid will make sure she tries a window or bleech stunt she will remain unharmed

Striker: she will remain unharmed she can also never die so you can do as you wish

You jolt awake covered in sweat and there is a shadow in your bedroom door. You reach for the lamp and when you see Logan all your muscles relax

"heard you screaming bub". With a sigh you tell Logan about your dream and you feel him tense up and you stop. Logan looks at you.

"can it be undone?" You tentatively ask

"fraid not princess" came the curt reply

He must have seen your crestfallen look and smiles. He knows how to cheer you up after these nightmares. He starts to nibble that sweet spot behind your ear.

"so two indestructible beings in the same bed" you look up at the darkening hazel eyes. You bite your lip he climbs on top of you and you kiss passionately. You feel the dreams melt away with every kiss down your body until he gets to your sex where Logan rubs your clit in circles as he tells you that you are safe he will protect you. You pump pleasure into his cock he groans. You clench over nothing. He nibbles behind your ear two indestructible people writhing in bed.

"Logan please fill me" you beg as he teases your clit with his talented fingers.

"you want to be filled with my children" you nod knowing you aren't on any birth control. He lines up and one thrust in and the bed creaks. It won't take two mutants with metal bones you meet each thrust screaming out Logan's name, neither of you notice the bed breaking. You bite the firm well toned chest of this beast. The whole room fills with the sounds of your love making. Furniture around the room moves around with the angry pace you are going at. "Come for me bub" that was all you needed to scream Logan's name as you ride the wave of your intense orgasm. Logans thrusts falter as he chases his own release inside of you. You both flop back onto the bed now in pieces. Logan offers to buy you plan B in the morning. You are curious to see what will grow

[looks-to-the-moon-cock]

“pseudo pregnancies repeatedly every month for three years”

hey there, I’m really sorry if this is an insensitive ask, but would you mind clarifying? It sounds like my own experience, but I’m not sure if I’m interpreting what you’re saying right. :(

I was forced on hormones that tricked my body into thinking it was pregnant and with that comes severe morning sickness. Still on them, I’m not allowed off unfortunately cuz I’m being monitored and they make me feel really awful.

Again, if you feel uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to delete this

Okay so. I was also monitored up until 15 where they thought I would "balance out". Which never happened. I got more masculine as I grew into being an adult.

I developed body hair on my chest and belly at 15 and hid it via shaving or bleaching it lighter. I also had my breasts forcibly swell up and... Frankly. Lactate when I was 12 till 15. It was a monthly set of pills. 3 weeks on the hormones to induce the "pseudo pregnancy" and 1 week on an iron pill that definitely wasn't just iron from how it tasted to me.

Body Horror in Night Terrors CW

It caused me to have night terrors of my own breast tissue falling out from my nipples. Repeatedly for years. I know I was an awful person as a kid because of what was being done to me. Those dreams still haunt me to this day, as well as the "pseudo pregnancies" as they made me very suicidal and depressed all the time. That gives me full reason to believe medical records I was able to find about my mutilation as a baby. I was acting out awfully and need corrected but I also needed help at that time. =/ (I'm only mad at a parental Associate about this.)

I found out real fast the moment I went on Testosterone at 18 that I felt: Less Epileptic, Less Suicidal, Less Nerve Pain, and Less Muscle Pain. My cycles were even Regular and Normal Flows. No more pain or cramping that Hurt.

So no, you were not misinterpreting what I said, if that reassures you. The birth control, as they called it, forcibly feminized me and made me physically ill as I am missing a testes and need Testosterone bodily at least. It really doesn't help I had brain damage from a brain bleed that healed forcibly around that time either but. Yknow. Yknow how intersex and unwanted children are treated.

I appreciate you at least asking and giving me an opportunity to explain why I personally am VERY against the idea that HRT and Gender Affirming Surgeries has never been used for bigoted reasons. I am even trans and want to transition still. There is just a disturbing lack of care for intersex individuals, trans or cis. I've even had to watch cis intersex women be treat awfully in public and medically. It's not pretty. Those women deserve better. Every intersex person deserves better. Including you, anon.

[jensengirl83]

You’ll Accompany Me- Chp 12

Jensen x reader

Word Count-2453

Warnings- Language, Fluff, ANGST

A/N- I’m sorry for this chapter, but I’m not lol

Y/N and Jensen had been settled into their home in Austin for a few days. Everything had gone well after the little argument about her apartment, all that forgotten. She was in the kitchen drinking her morning coffee, looking over emails and trying to finish up the little details for the con they were leaving for in two days.

Other than her doctor’s appointment later that morning, and Jensen going to pick up the kids, this was the last thing on the to-do list. They could relax and enjoy the next couple of days with the kids and each other. She was still engrossed in her phone when he walked into the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee and walking over to sit beside her, making her jump.

“Damn it, Jay. You’re always scaring me,” she groaned.

“It’s not my fault that you don’t pay attention to your surroundings,” he chuckled, leaning in to kiss her.

“Fair point. I’m trying to get the last of the con details ironed out before I leave, so we can just enjoy the next few days with the kids, and I won’t be distracted.”

“How’s that going?” he asked, sipping on his drink, laying his hand on her thigh with a light squeeze.

“One more email to send, and I’m done. Other than my appointment later, we’re all set to chill now,” she smiled up at him.

“And this is to have your birth control changed?”

"Not changed, per se, but replaced. I have the implant in my arm. It has to be replaced every three years, so I’m having it done before the con season.”

“Damn. Doesn’t that hurt?” he winced, thinking about what they had to do to get the implant in her arm.

“It’s not pleasant, but that’s what needs to be done,” she shrugged.

“Men have it so easy,” he huffed, thinking about everything he didn’t have to go through that women did.

“You got that right, Ackles,” she laughed.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing, Jay?” she asked curiously.

“It just sucks what you have to go through to not have a kid. I don’t like the thought of that thing in your arm hurting you.”

“It’s fine, babe. It’s really not that bad. It will be sore for a few days but a lot less painful than childbirth,” she giggled when he nodded his head in agreement.

“Pregnancy didn’t seem too fun, either. I remember Dee throwing up a lot and saying how bad her back, feet, and pretty much everything else hurt.”

“Yeah, doesn’t sound like a good time,” she agreed.

“Well, what time do you have to leave?”

“In about twenty minutes,” she said, glancing at the time on her phone.

“Okay. I’ll just wait on you to get back before I go get the kids, and you can go with me,” he said, then shook his head, “That’s if you’ll feel like going. It’s okay if you don’t.”

“I’ll be fine, Jay. It’s not like I’m having major surgery or anything,” she giggled, kissing him quickly before she stood.

“Fine. I worry about you, ya know?”

“I know you do, and that’s just one of the many reasons I love you,” she winked, kissing him once more, “I have to go get dressed. I’ll be back soon. I love you.”

“I love you too, honey. I’ll be here waiting when you get back.”

“I’m holding you to it,” she pointed at him with a smirk.

“I wouldn’t expect any less, my love,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully.

“They’re going to get stuck in your head like that,” she yelled in a sing-song voice as she walked away.

“Go get ready and get the hell out of here, would ya?”

“I’m going, I’m going,” she cackled, Jensen joining her, not able to fight it anymore.

Y/N was lying on the uncomfortable table in the exam room waiting on the doctor. She’d already been checked in, peed in a cup, and all the things they make you go through at the gynecologist. Now it was a waiting game for the doctor to come in, confirm she’s not pregnant, and then take out the implant and insert the new one. She wanted to get it over with so she could get back home to Jensen, and they could go get the kids. She loved when they were there with them. It was always a great time laughing and playing. The knock at the door made her sit up, seeing her doctor walk in.

“Hey, doc. Let’s get this show on the road,” she laughed. She had a great relationship with her doctor and had known her for years.

“Uh, Y/N, I need you to have an ultrasound first,” Dr. Williams said with no hint of a smile on her face.

“Why? What’s wrong?” she asked, scared that she had an anomaly with her lab tests.

“Your pregnancy test came back positive.”

“What?! That’s impossible. It has to be a lab error. I’m not late coming in to have this replaced.”

“It’s a rare possibility, but not impossible. It’s not likely, but I want to do an ultrasound to make sure. If not, then we need to figure out what’s wrong with your hormones.”

“Then let’s do it. Don’t make me panic for no reason longer than I have to,” she grumbled.

“Y/N, there is a minimal chance that you’re pregnant. But, it’s almost a certainty that it will be ectopic. It’s so very rare to have an actual intrauterine implanting on the implant.”

“Well, if it’s an ectopic pregnancy, I need to get it taken care of ASAP. We leave in two days for the convention season.”

“Okay, well, let’s see what’s happening.”

Dr. Williams sat beside her, getting the wand and gel, squirting it on Y/N’s lower abdomen, and bringing the wand down to start scanning. Y/N held her breath as she watched her doctor’s face, looking for any sign on her facial features that something was wrong. Unfortunately, she had a superb poker face and wasn’t showing any emotion on her face as she continued to move the instrument around on Y/N’s stomach. After what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Williams turned to face her and sighed.

“Y/N, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re pregnant.”

“Okay, well, how quick can you remove it out of the tube? It’s not a major surgery, is it?”

“No, uh, it’s not ectopic, Y/N. It’s an actual intrauterine pregnancy. From the looks of it, you’re around nine weeks along.”

“No! That can’t be right. There’s no way!”

“I know it’s a shock. But, listen,” Dr. Williams said softly, hitting a button and a loud rhythmic sound filling the room, “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”

It was like a tidal wave of feelings rushed over her. She was shocked into silence as she listened to her baby’s heart. Her baby. She never thought this would ever be an experience she would have, never thinking she wanted kids. But, now, hearing that beautiful sound, she’s never wanted anything so bad in her life. She realized she had never wanted kids because she had never loved a man like she loved Jensen, and that meant everything.

Tears slid down her cheeks as the doctor pointed out the baby’s heart on the screen. She didn’t know how she would break it to Jensen, but she knew that it would all be okay in the end. He loved her, and after the initial shock wore off, he would be happy too.

“Here,” the doctor handed her a few prints of the ultrasound, “Come back and see me in six weeks, so we can keep a check on the little one. Now, we have to get that implant out.”

Y/N was a nervous wreck as she walked into the house. She knew she had to tell him, and she knew he would be shocked, but she hoped after a little while, he’d be okay. He had said on numerous occasions that he didn’t want any more kids, but sometimes life throws you a curveball, and you just have to go with it. He was sitting at the island in the kitchen, and she took a deep breath in preparation for the conversation they had to have. Her breath alerted him to her presence.

“Hey, honey. How’d it go?”

“Well, not as expected…,” she mumbled.

“What? What’s wrong, baby? Talk to me.”

“Jay, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it bluntly,” she sighed, squaring her shoulders and looking him in the eye, “I’m pregnant.”

The silence was eerie as he stared at her as if he was waiting on her to say it was a joke. The longer he looked at her, she could see the realization set in on his face, but she wasn’t prepared for what was coming next.

“What the fuck, Y/N?!” he yelled, making her jump back, “How in the hell did this happen?!”

“Do you have to ask that question?” she huffed, “We had sex, Jay, and now I’m pregnant.”

“No shit! I’m not an idiot. I meant, how did you get pregnant when you were supposed to be on birth control?”

“Supposed to be? What are you trying to imply? That I lied about having the implant?” she replied angrily, pissed off that he would even imply something like that.

“That’s not what I said, damn it.”

“Sure sounds like that’s what you’re trying to say.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Y/N. You know what I meant. How did you get pregnant on birth control?!”

“I don’t know! It’s rare for it to happen. Nothing is one hundred percent effective, though. I know you’re in shock right now, so I’m not going to be upset at your reaction, but we have to talk about this.”

“What do you want me to say? I told you I don’t want more kids, Y/N!”

“I didn’t either, damn it!”

“Wait. Didn’t or don’t, two different meanings there…,” he glared at her, his emotions taking over completely.

“Didn’t….”

“Fuck, Y/N! I thought we agreed on this. No kids! Now you’re changing your mind? What the hell?”

“I heard the heartbeat, and…,” she began to speak, but he interrupted her.

“Heartbeat or not, I don’t want more kids! How much plainer do I have to be?”

“Well, too late for that now, huh?” she quipped, getting angrier by the minute.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” he growled, walking away to the bedroom.

“Where are you going? We’re still having a conversation!” she yelled at his back.

“Conversations over for now. I need to be alone for a while. And this stays between us.”

“Whatever,” she groaned, “I guess I’ll just sit here and wait on you to finish having this discussion.”

“Yeah, you do that,” he bit back, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

She sank down onto the stool at the island, hanging her head in her hands. She knew he would be shocked, but she didn’t expect him to have that reaction. He had never spoken to her like that in the sixteen years they had known each other, and it broke her heart. She would give him his alone time, but they had to finish having the conversation. She was pregnant, and there was no changing it.

She hadn’t realized how long she had been daydreaming when he walked back into the kitchen, walking past her and to the fridge to get water. She shook her head and looked away, and that’s when she noticed his overnight bag sitting on the living room floor.

“Where are you going? Aren’t you supposed to go get the kids?”

“No. With what’s happened, I don't think it’s a good idea for them to be here while we’re like this.”

“They’re going to be disappointed not to see you. So, if you aren’t getting the kids, what’s the overnight bag for?”

“I’m going to be seeing the kids. I’m going to go stay there with them until I leave for the con.”

“What? I tell you I’m pregnant, you scream and pick a fight with me, and now you’re going to spend the next two days at your ex-wife’s house? Wow,” she scoffed, his words cutting her to the bone.

“Don’t start. I need some time, and I want to see my kids. I love my kids more than anything, and I don’t want anything to get in the way of spending time with them before I’m gone again.”

“You can be a real asshole, you know that?” she hiccupped on the sob building in her throat.

“How’s that?” he huffed, crossing his arms.

“Nevermind. Just go. Spend the next few days at your ex-wife’s house,” she sniffled.

“Quit throwing that up! You knew she was my ex-wife when we got together, and she’s the mother of my kids, for fuck’s sake!”

“And I’m not?!” she shrieked, losing her patience with him, “Oh, I guess she counts because she’s the mother of the kids you actually want.”

“Y/N…,” he growled.

“You’re right. The conversation is over. Go. I’ll see you in Denver.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Y/N.”

“Jensen, I can still travel for quite a while. I’m fine.”

“I know that. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go because I need some time away.”

“Are you serious right now?” she whimpered, a tear betraying her and sliding down her cheek.

“I am. It will do us both some good to have time to think,” he sighed, walking over and picking up his bag.

“Okay…,” she agreed, dejected, no more fight left in her at the moment, her heart too broken.

“I’ll be back next week,” he said with a glance at her as he began walking to the door and stopped, “Bye, Y/N.”

The sound of the door closing was the proverbial straw. She sank to the floor in sobs. How had they been so loving and affectionate just this morning, but as soon as something big happened, he walked away. She pulled her knees to her chest as she continued to cry, silently deciding what needed to be done, and it hurt. It hurt so damn bad.

Jensen had made it through the con, but barely. His mind wasn’t in it like usual as all he could think about was Y/N at home and pregnant. Jared and the others could tell something was off with him, but he had kept silent, not wanting to talk about it. Once on the plane, though, Jared wasn’t going to give up until he found out what was plaguing his best friend. He knew Jensen well enough that he could tell something significant was bothering him, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it.

“I’m going to ask you again what’s wrong, and this time, you’re going to tell me the truth,” Jared said, staring at Jensen until he gave in and decided to tell him.

“Fine, but this stays between us. No one else is to find out.”

“Okay, man. What’s going on?”

“Y/N’s pregnant,” he huffed, flopping back against his seat.

“Congratulations, dude!” Jared excitedly gasped, giving him a hug.

“No, not congratulations. You know I don’t want more kids. This isn’t good news.”

“Are you that dumb?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Jensen asked hatefully, a little pissed Jared called him dumb.

“It means, how in the world are you going to sit here and pout like a little girl when the woman you love is going to have your baby?”

“I already have three kids. Unless you don’t remember,” he groaned, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, you do. But not with her. Didn’t you consider what that might mean to her?”

“She said she didn’t want kids either, well, until she found out she was pregnant. Now, she’s changed her mind.”

“And what should that tell you?”

“I don’t know, Dr. Phil. What should it tell me?” he griped, starting to get upset again.

“It should show you that she wants to have a baby with the man she loves, and that’s you, you idjit,” Jared laughed, shaking his head at his friend.

“I know she loves me. But, Jared, man, I’ll be in my sixties when this kid graduates high school! I’m too damn old to be having another kid,” he sighed, wanting to end the conversation.

“Do you not realize that the twins aren’t even five yet? It’s not that much more time than it would have been before all your kids were grown, anyway. So, why make such a big deal about it? Is that why she didn’t come to the con? Because she wasn’t feeling well or something?”

“I guess you’ve got a point, man. I’ll talk to her when we get home. And, uh no, she didn’t come because I told her not to. I, uh, told her I needed time away to think.”

“Wow, how did she take that?”

“I don’t know. I left and went to Dee’s for a few days before I came to Denver,” he whispered, starting to feel ashamed at how he acted once he thought back on it.

“You did what?!” Jared asked, utterly shocked at what he heard, “Dude! Please tell me you didn’t make a big deal out of her being pregnant and then left her by herself for almost a week?”

“Shut up.”

“Oh, my God, you did! I bet she had a lot to say when you called her this weekend,” he chided, still not sure what to think about how his friend had reacted.

“I haven’t talked to her since I left.”

“Jay, buddy, you better get off this plane and go straight home and grovel at her feet. I’d be praying she’s still there if I was you.”

“Damn, man. Thanks for the support,” Jensen grumbled.

“I am supporting you! I’m telling you to go fix all this so you don’t lose the best thing that’s happened to you since Dee.”

“Okay, okay. Thanks, dude. Seriously, thinking back, I was an asshole.”

“Maybe a little bit,” Jared chuckled.

Jensen rushed home as soon as the plane landed. He knew he had a lot of begging to do to get her to forgive him. Jared had made him realize that one more kid wasn’t that big of a deal. Not with his youngest being only five years old. It wasn’t like all his kids were grown and now was starting over with a baby.

Once he parked his car in the garage, he flung open the door, in a hurry to get inside and see her. Even though he hadn’t spoken to her since he left, he missed her terribly. Even when they were fighting about her having a baby, he never doubted the love he had for her. He wished he could take it all back, but all he could do now was ask her forgiveness. He didn’t see her in the living room or kitchen, so he ran for the bedroom, but all he saw when he opened the door was an empty room, a piece of paper on the bed.

Jensen,

I’ve had time to think about all of this, and I’m doing what I need to do for the baby and me. I’ve sat here and tried to think of every possible reason why you would talk to me like you did, but I can’t think of anything other than you don’t want our child, and that’s where the problem lies. I’m having this baby, Jay, but I’ll do it alone. Just like you left me when I needed you the most. I was in a relationship with the love of my life, and I’d never felt so alone as I have the last few days. I’ve never been as heartbroken as I was when you left me here in tears. That’s not what a partner does. They are supposed to be here for you no matter what, but I guess I found your hard line. Your key is on the kitchen island, and you can drop my key off with the apartment manager, as I don’t live there anymore. Please don’t look for where I’m at now. Let me go, and let me move on. I’ll love you until the end of my days, Jay, but I can’t stay and have you look at me like I ruined your life like you did before you walked out. And did you notice that you said goodbye and not that you loved me? Well, I did.  I’m sorry that it had to end like this, but it’s for the best.

Y/N

Jensen was in tears, having read the letter three times. He couldn’t believe that she had left and refused to tell him where she had gone. He had really fucked it all up. Not only had he lost the woman he loved more than anything, she took their unborn child with her just when he had accepted that he would have another baby. Hell, he had actually started to get excited about it, and now, it was all gone. All because he ran instead of staying and dealing with it. Guess Dean Winchester really was a part of him, and now he was alone and devastated. He grabbed his phone, dialing Jared and waiting on him to answer. When he did, Jensen could only say one thing through his tears.

“You were right, man. I fucked up. She’s gone.”

@flamencodiva @foxyjwls007 @waywardbeanie @emoryhemsworth @valsworldofcreativity @hardcoresupernaturalfans @msmarvelouswinchester @lyarr24 @akshi8278 @ellewritesfix05 @winchest09 @defenderrosetyler @hobby27 @whatareyousearchingfordean   @atc74 @superfanficnatural  @supernatural-love14 @vicmc624 @squirrelnotsam @tatted-trina6 @xhannahbananax03 @coffeebooksandfandom   @malfoysqueen54 @deans-baby-momma @lovelyrocker @fablesrose @maralisa124 @wayward-dreamer @aimee-ginge @anathewierdo @donnaintx @screechingartisancashbailiff @itsdesiree86 @kyjey @roxytheimmortal @briagallen @aubageddon91 @lunarmoon8361 @that-one-gay-girl @stoneyggirl @kitkatd7 @writercole @brilovesdeanwinchester @allonsy-yesiwill  @krazykelly @440mxs-wife @rebelemilu @sarahbaker2010 @tyferbebe @metalfangirl @redbarn1995 @thoughts-and-funnies @izzathequeen @heavensangel45135  @entersand-man   @supraveng @percywinchester27 @hintsofhoney @bobbie3939 @waynes-multiverse​   @watermelonlipstick @katelynw931-blog @soaringeag1e​ @thinkinghardhardlythinking​ @treat-winchesterswith-kindness​ @deandreamernp​ @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad​  @pink-sparkly-witch​ @samsgirl93​ @maliburenee​  @thelastpyle​ @nancymcl​ @marvelouslyme96​ ​

[amumandherthoughts]

The birth story.

This is a long one..

I was 41 weeks and 3 days pregnant when I had my last 'normal' appointment with the midwife team. It was then that they told me if I hadn't naturally gone into labour in 2 days, then they would have to induce me.

Not exactly what you want to hear with your first pregnancy. Lots of people tell you lots of stories and how induction can be more intense or it was the best labour they'd ever had. Whatever, everyone is different, so I took it all with a grain of salt and hoped for the best.

2 days went by and I had my next appointment where the midwife and Drs recommended a 'Cook's Catheter'. To try and prompt my body to do its thing without the need for an IV.

Well I came back the next morning and still no labour! Shit. I was going to have to be induced.

Ok, so I'm in the birthing unit ready to go (and completely terrified but trying to hold it together).

They take out the Cooks Catheter and I'm 4cm dilated. Great! Almost half way there!!

The nurses broke my water, put the IV in and the contractions began.

Holy shit.

To quote my mum- "they don't call it labour for nothing." Boy, was she right. I had all the pain from my contractions in my lower back, and it was excruciating!

I'd never had anything hurt as much as those bloody contractions! No one told me as much, but I presume my baby was posterior because of all the back pain.

I was using heat pack after heat pack. Having my husband massage my back as hard as he could and it still barely helped! I was using the gas, which I think mainly just helped keep my breathing under control...

After 5 hours, I was ready to up the ante - I asked the nurse for the next step in pain management - Endone.

Well, all of the people who say Endone is the best are all fucking liars. It didn't take any of my pain away, just made me super drowsy and want to fall asleep even during a contraction!

Right, so by this time, I'd had the IV induced contractions for roughly 12 hours, and every time the nurse did an internal exam, my cervix was at 4 cm. There was no change! I could have cried! Well.. I did! And I was exhausted!!!

So the reason it took so long to get to this point was because every time I contracted my baby's heartbeat was waver and so the nurses couldn't increase the hormones to get me to dilate more/faster. They turned it off for a short time, and bub was all good, but then they turned it on, and the heartbeat wavered again.

So the Dr recommended an emergency ceasarean section due to failed to progress. Meaning my body didn't do what it was supposed to and bub couldn't come out!

I was ok with having a caesar, that part honestly didn't bother me. It is what it is and the team I had were incredible.

I had an epidural, which was heaven! For about half an hour. Until it made me vomit and bubs heartbeat wavered again and I needed to lay on my side. Well then the anaesthetic drained to the side didn't it and I started feeling the contractions down the other side again! This certainly wasn't what I expected when they gave me an epidural.

Ok, so after this, we headed to surgery. We're talking 17hrs after being induced now.

I'd never had any sort of surgery in my life. Only ever had mild local anaesthetics!

So when they numbed my torso and down it was the weirdest feeling. So see my legs being moved but unable to feel it. I hated it.

And then, being in the ice-cold theatre, thank God I had my husband by my side because I was downright terrified.

Terrified of feeling pain (which I didn't)

Terrified of the surgery (I would visualise it and freak out)

Terrified something bad would happen to me (haemorrhage or have tools left inside)

Terrified most of all that I wouldn't hear my baby cry.

During the surgery I kept vomiting and felt gross as fuck. The lovely nurse suctioned the vomit from my mouth and all was well.

Bub was taken out, and he cried! So I cried in relief! I can't tell you how much relief I felt about that. He had a bit of a hard time breathing, so I couldn't hold him, and he had to go up to special care. My husband went with him, and I went to recovery (where I slept for 2 hours, apparently!!)

I was then taken to the maternity ward and special care unit to see my bub. So surreal being able to see and touch him! Still no cuddles yet though because he was on the breathing apparatus.

I was wheeled back to maternity and tried to sleep. Though that was difficult being so very numb and worried about tearing stitches or whatever else might've gone on down there.

Thus, my baby boy was born, and I am still emotional remembering these happenings. Very emotional.

It was traumatic and downright awful. Will I do it again? Yes, because it's a small drop in the ocean for what I now treasure more than anything.

[copperbadge]

Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday!

Ways to Give:

Edminister Engler is a recent widower who has now been diagnosed with cancer; he doesn't have health coverage and is too sick to work, so is raising funds to help find an oncologist and seek treatment. You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

secondalto was in a car accident in February that totaled her car, and she missed work through the end of the school year; insurance was slow to pay out and she didn't get another car (necessary for her job) until last month. Due to the staggered nature of her work, she is facing car and insurance payments, plus gas and other bills, that she won't be able to pay before they are due. She is raising funds for bills and is also offering fic beta services and handicrafts in return for donations; you can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

songspinner9 linked to a fundraiser for Wren, a young, chronically ill person trying to stay active in their community and studying for a Library Science degree. Insurance will not cover the new wheelchair they need to achieve their goals, so they are fundraising for the wheelchair and power assist; you can read more and support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for meowdistract/hauntedrph, a friend with Guillain-Barre Syndrome, which leaves her with limited mobility and weakness. She's offering commissions and raising funds via donation to help pay off debt and treat herself a little for her 30th birthday tomorrow. You can read more, reblog, and find giving/commission information here and there are also links to wishlists and donation options here.

maryellencarter is homeless and has recently moved cross-country to be closer to friends, and has finally been placed in a shelter; they are fundraising to keep their car insurance so they can travel to aid appointments and try to find a more permanent housing solution. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

Beth linked to First Draft Detroit, a Detroit metro region nonprofit intended to replace NaNoWriMo; they're holding their first fundraiser on October 5th. If you are local to Detroit you can buy a ticket to play one of several TTRPGs, plus a silent auction and a bake sale; if you are not local you can still donate to support the org. You can read more, buy a ticket, and support the fundraiser here.

Recurring Needs:

loversdoom has recently been diagnosed with PCOS and needs help to afford the prescribed birth control pills on top of living expenses and dental bills; you can read more, reblog, and find giving information here or give via paypal here.

onedollopofsourcream is fundraising to help support a large family including young children during a difficult time; they particularly need funds for needed medication (including insulin), and hopefully eventually to get out of an abusive living situation. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

chingaderita is raising funds to help their family get back on their feet after a house fire that left them in an unsafe living situation with black mold; their partner has also recently had oral surgery and many family members are unemployed, and they need funds for clean water, food, and cleaning until the mold can be taken care of. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

memprime linked to a fundraiser for a friend, virtualalternative, who needs help with cat vet bills after their cat had several blockages; you can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

[volunruud]

the "reasons not to get pregnant/have kids" list is full of misogyny and reasons regarding a mother's physical appearance and her worth (and/or conflating those reasonings). they do not resonate with me at all, as a woman who really doesn't care about how i look necessarily or how my body changes as time goes on.

here is MY PERSONAL list of reasons to not fall pregnant and have children:

pregnancy:

my age. i'm too young.

pregnancy sucks, it's painful, dangerous, and long. *insert most common pregnancy symptoms and issues here* *insert less common pregnancy symptoms here* (yes we have all heard of common symptoms like morning sickness up to more scary symptoms like death so i'm not going to list all those. look up a list of what happens to you during pregnancy and ask expecting mothers if they want to share)

labor. need i say more

surgery. stitches. recovery. pain.

difficult pregnancy. sure i could have an easy pregnancy. or maybe i won't.

the chance of miscarriage.

the chance i'll need an abortion.

pregnancy/labor emotional trauma due to mistreatment (from family, partners, doctors).

money. expenses. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

i'd probably need a c-section which is a whole ass nightmare

subjecting myself to other mother's/people's opinions and judgement regarding literally every single choice i could ever make. "are you doing a hospital birth vs home birth, are you drinking coffee, oh youre not breastfeeding?" etc. i literally hate people and their dumbass opinions so this is a big one for me.

being subject to people touching my belly. and people getting offended when i say no (if they even bother to ask first)

not being able to smoke or drink. i love drinking and smoking. i smoke every day and i don't want to stop.

lacking a "maternal instinct" to the point i don't even believe it's real or it's very rare... i think it's mainly an excuse or justification. or a coping mechanism.

unprompted really invasive questioning. by everyone i know. no matter how well i know them. absolutely dreadful.

i like going to work. i don't want to miss a lot of days or take off for maternity leave.

have to get new clothes and my old clothes probably won't fit after pregnancy. so even more new clothes for after.

being asked if i want a girl or boy. this to me is a really dumb question because the answer is extremely obvious and also i have no control over it

hosting/planning a baby shower for myself sounds like a nightmare. i'm not even gonna think about it. and gender reveals are dumb as hell.

raising children:

constantly being reduced to "just" a mom. this one isn't too obvious but it's little things. like when random people will refer to you as mom or mama instead of your name (this may be a southern thing though).

no sleep

screaming. crying. shitting. vomiting. always cleaning up after someone and it literally never ends.

it takes an astronomical amount of EFFORT and DEDICATION. frankly i'd rather put this energy into video games and my art for the time being.

having to put someone else first. i live life for myself. i put myself first and prioritize my own needs. i don't want to change this any time soon. i love myself and dont want to waste my youth (and money time energy etc etc) caring for a baby/toddler.

if i had a girl: having to constantly defend her from misogyny and body shaming (which is a big concern and something i fully expect from my family). trying to shield her, and failing.

if i have a boy: the fear of him growing up into a misogynist, which i don't think i could fully stop that honestly even though i'd try my best. also comments like "boys are so much easier than girls" piss me off.

having to miss work for my kid if they're sick or anything else.

have to put them in school and go to school meetings and events. picking them up and stuff.

they'll probably have annoying ass kid friends that they hang out with.

no guarantee of unconditional love. no guarantee of cherished memories. that's obviously the hope/goal i guess? but it's not promised to you just because you had the kid and raised it

no guarantee of someone to care for you when youre old. i know several people who consider this a valid reason to have the kid in the first place (and not a mere justification after you fall pregnant "well at least i'll have someone to take care of me!" yikes)

need more time to develop/heal due to my young age and circumstances.

i'd have to rearrange my house or transform a whole room. i like my house and rooms how they are right now.

less time for my cats and work/hobbies

i keep many toxic plants and breakable items. that i want to keep.

the way that it's extremely easy to traumatize a child, without even intending to. it's impossible to avoid. if it's not me it's someone else. with my anxiety i'll just be dreading the day something horrible happens, or thinking too much and doing the wrong thing. idk this includes countless scenarios.

i work with several mothers my age and every day they never stop complaining. i really doubt if anything about young motherhood is rewarding.

in my opinion, the social aspects of pregnancy are worse than the physical issues. like i'd rather do morning sickness than tell everyone 6262646967 times a day when my due date is etc etc etc. it just sounds so miserable. but then again i just kinda hate talking to people. i think it's that i already hate small talk and making conversation with strangers but the additional dialogue about pregnancy and children makes it so much more unbearable. so the fact we're adding in new things to say and for people to ask about? yikessss noooo.

also i would include things like "men objectifying my pregnant body" "men with pregnancy fetish" but i try not to let a man being a piece of shit perv ruin anything for me personally. and i don't think you should either (but if this is a reason for you i think it's valid).

there are many other reasons regarding the father as well. if he abandons you, cheats, doesn't pay child support, is a shit father, etc etc etc. these are extremely concerning and affect so many women and these are major reasons to consider not having a baby and to re-evaluate who you're having children with. but i'm not really including these because i think if these reasons resonate with you personally, you should not be with that man at all. like DO NOT have a baby with him but also don't be with him. because maybe you could happily have a baby with someone else (or be happier with someone else).

like i said this is my personal list as of right now. i'm 23 and don't plan on having kids for a while. so these could change but i'm not going to edit this list. i made this because i need reasons that don't solely revolve around my appearance or tie my worth into my appearance (like a certain other List). i wanted to express that there are so many reasons to not get pregnant that ARENT stretch marks and hanging non-perky tits (both of these things i have anyway so i'm not worried about my body changing how it looks). we CANNOT make it seem like the worst effects of pregnancy and motherhood is a mere few stretch marks!!! that's LITERALLY the least of my concerns.

[springrls]

I have four doctors appointments this week which are all for different specialists. I'm freaked ok!! Tomorrow morning I get an MRI of my pelvis (again!) to check (we leave in 5 hrs 0-0) for inflammation. Which lol. Yeah. There's a 400cc breast implant of an ovary in there lollll. (It's hard to wrap my mind around that w/o panicking!)

So then Monday I go to a new eye doctor for an updated glasses prescription! Which is good as I can't fucking seeeee!! I finally have vision insurance (yay for medi cal!) but my glasses options will be mad lameee so also worried about my swag....

Tuesday I see my cardiologist, to go over the tests I had done in the past couple of months, him to be like "haha ok their fine let's figure out he next steps!" Which is POTS. HOPEFULLY I'll get a tilt table test (god why is this my life...!!) also he's gunna like "have you done the exercises?" And I started going to him BEFORE the insane endo stage 4 diagnosis.... so no Mr.Cardiologist I have been taking insane mid day naps to just FUNCTIONNNN!! Ahhhhh go crazy go stupid

Ok and THENNNN I talk to my obgyn Thursday morning (lol kill meeee) so 1. The new birth control is working well! 2. THE CYSTS GREW 22% DURING MY PERIOD IN SEPTEMBER. I got an ultrasound done sept 17th, 322.2cc - then another in the ER exactly 2 weeks later which it then measured 395.4ccs. I assume nothing was said because I went in worried about torsion and/or ruptureeeee...!! I got my period between these ultrasounds sept 24th-30th.

So now; I've had my October period - and I'm about to have a weird late November period bc I was switching & testing out birth control! Like how large has the cysts grown now? It's been 2 months OBGYN MAN. Guys I'm STRESSED. Fuuuuck.

So yeah. That's all my appointments this week. I have to call some other specialists offices (like physical therapy) to make appointments too. And. And. Talk to my insurance case manager to see if medi-cal will cover the medical group I've been going to my whole life.... like. I'm so fucking stressed. I need surgery. Complex surgery. Done by robots. I- I can't handle this being my life. That theres something very severely wrong with my body and I'm trying to switch to state insurance while the government is ,,,..!! YKNOW. Fuck dawgggg,,,,

I'm also going to try to stay on my families insurance as "a disabled dependent" WHICH I AM? My primary doctor isn't ..., keen on filling out that paperwork as she thinks I'll get better....? Idk. Imma try again bc 1. Government 2. I need more time to figure out my health before these cysts get bigger! 3. I'm home bound. I can't function without a 4 hour nap each day god save me;

I'm stressed ha hah! If any of my mutuals/followers read my vent posts thank you I love you even if we don't talk 😖❤️ if you wanna comment / dm me go crazy I'm just some dude ヽ(￣д￣;)ノ=3=3=3

[bitstitchbitch]

@parlezvousladybug hey, I know this was a while ago but I happened to see your tags and wanted to let you know that there are more options than just birth control vs hysterectomy.

there are painkillers, which of course have their own downsides, but that’s all I’m on right now and they sometimes work (and sometimes not, like this morning for instance).

there is a medication called Orilissa that is meant specifically for endometriosis. It is hormonal, but works opposite to birth control in that it reduces estrogen, inducing a minor, reversible menopause. I don’t know if your other meds would counteract it, so ask your doctor. Positives is that it actually shrinks the endometriosis lesions, and it worked really well for me with minimal side effects. Downsides is the cost if you are uninsured - I had to fight with my insurance to get them to cover it because it’s a newish drug. Also, idk if this has changed but when I took it they only let you take it for 2 years because of risk of bone loss. So it worked great for two years and then I had to stop taking it.

then you can do a laparoscopy. This is a surgery where they go in and surgically remove the endometriosis lesions. There are two types - one where they just take the surface part of the lesion off, another where they cut deeper and take out the whole lesion. The first is cheaper with less recovery time, but the endometriosis will come back quicker. The second is more expensive with longer recovery time, but it will take the endometriosis longer to come back. A lot of people with endometriosis end up having multiple laparoscopies over time because it pretty much always comes back.

and yeah, like you said, keep in mind that a hysterectomy might not remove the endometriosis if it’s growing elsewhere in your abdomen.

are we on the cusp of a breakthrough in endometriosis?

[letterstokittyann]

Second Letter from Corgi to Kitty

My Dear Square Head Messy Kitty Ann,

I am writing to you again. I should try to write more often, because I always have many thoughts.

Thank you for taking care of me when I am ill. I am not a patient person and do not always have the best attitude. Sometimes, my tone is impatient and can be better. Sorry for not being as calm and patient as I should be. Although we did not get to visit places on Monday due to my sickness, I am still happy that we went through a difficult time together. Relationship is always easy when both people are having fun and feeling good. But challenging situations strengthen it. I love our many happy memories, but I also treasure the more difficult moments. I have no regrets, and I do not feel sad about missing an opportunity to travel and have fun. I also feel no regrets finding car key together and missing plan in the morning, or finding parking together while feeling moody. I want to go through moments that are not easy with you only. Also, God allows tough situations in our lives, and life is never meant to be 100% smooth sailing. I trust that He is in control and He still loves me. Even if I die, I am much less afraid because I know I can go to heaven. This is confidence that is only possible if you know that God exists and know Him through the Bible, and I want you to have it.

I am not sure when I am able to move to Thailand. Right now, it seems difficult. I am working towards it. My target is to be able to come over by next year, but I am not sure if this is possible. Learning Thai is important, I am trying to be diligent and consistent in learning so that I can learn faster. (Sometimes it feels very difficult when I am also doing other things. My free time is not 100% in learning Thai.) The best short term solution is to find a job that can let me work remotely, so I can stay in Thailand for a longer time. 😊

For me, the most important thing is Jesus Christ. For our relationship, this is most important. Relationship is strongest when both people have similar beliefs and live out their beliefs. Sometimes, I worry that Kitty might choose not to follow Jesus Christ and decide to have different thinking. There is always a chance that this can happen, because following Jesus is a personal decision. I can’t force you, only can encourage and try to give you some motivation. I want us to go to heaven after we die, and I wish for us to enjoy the best relationship. I hope that you will continue to learn from the Bible and open your heart to Jesus Christ. Following Jesus Christ is the best thing in life, and I want Kitty to have the best. The Christian faith makes the most sense, no other belief even comes close to it. The more you learn, the more you will realize this truth. There is so much evidence for the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, even more so than famous historic figures. There is so much evidence in science that points to the existence of a creator. The Bible is so consistent and coherent in every event mentioned, with many predictions coming true. The proof is so overwhelming that I have more reason to believe in Christianity than any other belief, and I pray that you will come to this realization too. What also convinced me is that the Bible speaks of human sin so accurately that I cannot deny it. I follow the news in the world very close, like the conflict in the Middle East and Israel and Palestine, what is happening in the USA and the world, what the United Nations and World Health Organization is doing and many more news. The world is extremely evil and the Bible describes it so accurately. The rich and powerful often bullies common people and feed them lies, the people in charge often make unjust decisions and punish good while rewarding evil, babies are allowed to be aborted after birth and killed, children are allowed to go for permanent gender-change surgeries without parental consent, racist sexist bigoted and oppressive laws still exist in many countries, wars kill millions of people, diseases run rampant while pharma companies are more interested in profits, many people in power do not have the courage to stop injustices because of personal interests or fear of losing status. Personally, I see the sinfulness in myself and I know that I need God. God created the world and all of us, yet we chose to sin and live our own way instead of following his way. Despite our wickedness, He still sent Jesus Christ to die for our sins and give us eternal life. And after that , He still helps us in life and gives us assurance. I am grateful that despite my wickedness, He loved me so much to save me and give me eternal life. I know that the least I can do is to try to follow His ways and grow in my love for Him.

Sometimes I still feel lazy. I don’t feel like going to church, or join church people to study Bible together. I have given myself excuses to miss out many many times. I am still a sinful person and still a work in progress, just like everyone else. This is normal. All Christians face this challenge. I think you should not feel bad, if you find it challenging. This does not make you a weak Christian. Every Christian is weak, according to the Bible. People who think of themselves as strong, God will humble them and show them that they are not. Even the most committed Christian has challenges, we just don’t see it from our perspective. But the most important thing is to trust God and let him change your heart. I understand that it can feel difficult to go to church alone, or give up precious time and energy to join Bible study small group. I also understand that it is even more difficult when there are no close friends there, and it can feel very lonely. I also understand that it doesn’t feel nice if people ask personal questions or cause you to feel like an outsider or second-class for not being regular in attendance. Do not feel discouraged or feel like you are not meeting up to standards. It is never about hitting a target or a standard. It is about learning to trust God through trying to follow Him. Imagine you are a parent to a child, and you see your child trying to walk and learn. You do not expect him to walk immediately, it will not be realistic. But what makes you happy is to see him try. Sometimes he fails, sometimes he might even give up and rest for a while. All this time, you are not disappointed, because you know that he will succeed eventually. You are always happy to see him try. It is the same with how God looks at us. Corgi wants to encourage you to keep trying 😊 You can trust God (not trust an imperfect person like me, because God promise in the Bible). God will bless us for obedience and following His way. Going to church and Bible study and spending time with other Christians has helped me a lot in life. The Bible teachings has helped me to change how I see the world and how I see myself. I have improved in how I interact with my family, made me more positive as a person, made me unafraid of things that I was previously afraid of. I also have made many close friends who are Christians who can encourage me in my faith. And I know that I do not need any success or achievement in the world to be a complete person, because I am assured that I already have the best thing in Jesus Christ. Sometimes the thing that we need the most is the thing we do not wish to do, sometimes we need to go against our feelings and feel discomfort to gain something good. Corgi want to encourage you to keep going, because I know that it will be worth it. 😊

It is very easy to drift away from our relationship with God. If go to church less, pray less, learn from Bible less, it is like communicating with God less. Because learning from Bible is the primary way God communicates to us, and prayer is the primary way we communicate to God. Every good relationship requires quality communication. Every relationship also needs love, and love is a choice. Many times in a relationship, we do things that we don’t feel like doing out of love. (Corgi wants to thank you for your many acts of love for me.) It is similar with our relationship with God. There are times where we need to make a choice to love God. And what is so assuring and empowering is that God has chosen to love us every time, and the best example of this is sending Jesus Christ to die on the cross for us. It is also like exercise. When you first start, it feels difficult. Once you continue and do it more, it becomes easier. But when you stop, it is difficult to start again. But as it becomes a habit or routine, you start to enjoy it and see much more clearly what benefits it brings to you. Corgi wants you to experience that, and I know you will experience the goodness if you persevere. Importantly, like I said in my previous letter… even if you feel weak and not able, it is ok. God is able. It is not about us. If you have believed the gospel, God has chosen you. If God has chosen you, He will help you to overcome and complete His work in you. He is God, He is absolutely powerful and will have His way. Our weakness does not deter him. In fact, the Bible says that our weakness brings out the power of God even more.

If you have believed the gospel, you are a Christian. You are chosen by God. Not every one comes to hear and believe the gospel, this is a sad fact of life. I understand that you might be hesitant to say that you are a Christian, because you might think that you need to fulfil certain criteria like regular attendance or have certain knowledge of Bible or need to feel some confidence. But the fact is this: being saved does not require us to do anything. We cannot earn our salvation, no matter how much good we do. This is the grace of God. If you have believed, you are Christian. No need to do anything to be Christian. Of course, the journey of growing in knowledge and love of God needs some effort. Of course, true faith needs to be proven by how you live. But that is for later. The fact is: If you have heard the gospel and chose to believe, you are a believer. And you can confidently say that you are Christian.

The gospel is a beautiful thing. It shows the great love and power of God. A perfect God reaching out to sinful man. Sinful people like all of us could not have chosen God if we were given the choice and would have perished because of our great sin. But God sent Jesus Christ to die for our sins, to take away our punishment. And Jesus Christ was willing to suffer the greatest injustice because of his love for us. And he proves that he is God by rising from the dead, showing his power over life and death. The reason why I talk so much about this is because this is the most important thing. And we must always remember this. If the gospel is not true, the entire Christian faith is not true and a waste of time. If Jesus did not rise from the dead, this letter I wrote to you does not matter. But I know that it is true, and people who believe this are the most blessed.

For me, most important thing is to follow Jesus Christ together. Every thing else is secondary. In fact, everything else tends to take care of itself if we follow God. Matthew 6:33 says that if we seek God and His kingdom first, he will provide us what we need in life. Following Bible principles and teachings will also help in relationship. Everything good in me that helped the relationship, you can be sure that it is because I learnt from God and Bible. Every thing that is bad, that is because I am still sinful. 555. I want the best for our relationship. I do not just think long term, I can think about eternity because I believe in a God who is eternal.

I am sorry that I am not able to be there all the time. I always think that I cannot give you the relationship that you should have. So many long periods of absence, it must feel difficult at times. I also understand that it is not easy to live alone. My sister also lived alone from a young age and it was not easy. But I feel proud of you that you have grown to be independent and self-sufficient. I hope to be able to be more present in our relationship. I want to be a good man to you, but I also know that I am imperfect. I am sorry about the times where I failed and I did not do so well. I want you to feel blessed and lucky to be in this relationship. And I know that the more I follow Jesus, the more I will be a good person to benefit this relationship. God is the creator of marriage and relationships, He knows best.

I am still here. I do not intend to go anywhere else, and I have no one else. I want to fight together. I want to build more memories with Kitty. I always feel happy to see you, to spend time with you, to go through quiet, noisy, happy, sad, moody moments with you.

Love, Corgi

[antihero6912]

Resolution Look Back for 2023

Here's what I was hoping for, and here's what we made out of it:

- above all: health. For me, my mom, my family, my friends. I hope each and every single one of us is staying healthy. Praying for my mom to finally stop drinking and being the healthiest version of herself that she can be, so we can have the best year with lots of travel and amazing experiences :) 

Everyone stayed healthy overall, mom unfortunately did not stop drinking. She had a surgery in march which was scary but pulled out great and things looked good but unfortunately about four weeks later started falling in to the same pattern again. Nonetheless, she looks happy and healthy and that is what makes me happy.

- plan the for me most perfect wedding and try not to do what other people expect or want me to do

We had the BEST two wedding celebrations and I could not have planned it any better.

- get married in the summer and have a party in our backyard with our closest friends.

Did exactly that and loved it. We danced and sang in our backyard and finally had everyone over. It was a grand old time :)

- get married in September in the church that I grew up with and have the most amazing day afterwards. I hope we will remember it forever for all the amazing reasons and that everybody has the best time. Let’s also hope for only a little bit of stress for everyone involved lol.

Did exactly that as well. Barely any stress due to us being super chill about it.

- Lots of money haha! But really though, let’s hope for people to be nice with giving gifts so I don’t stress as much with how the heck I am going to afford all the jazz

Dude, yes. First party was free and we even made more money for going out to eat on the first honeymoon. Second party ended up being way cheaper than we anticipated. Took off a lot of stress FOR SURE.

- Honeymooooooooooon: good weather, good food, lots of alcohol, lots of what married people do and just the greatest time with just my then hubby and I

Oh my gosh. Most perfect honeymoon in my book. The maldives were just as amazing as I hoped, we had so much fun and such good weather, jumped on the trampoline in the middle of the indian ocean and saw dolphins. I can't wait to go back one day.

- Play Tennis in a team and have the best time

Played lots of tennis, no team just yet but still improved my skills and loved it even more.

- Do lots of Sports

Fell in love with beach volleyball this year and started really getting in to it, even played in a tournament and it was amazing.

- Have the best time with my entire family on the AIDA in April. I can’t wait for all of us to travel together and see the warmth areas of europe :) 

Yes. SO. MUCH. FUN. We are planning a trip for 2024 as well because everyone loved it so much.

- stop taking birth control. like for real.

Getting there lol

- celebrate my 30th birthday

Boy did I. Spend it in the maldives and booked a dolphin cruise, which was freaking cool and humbling. I loved every second of it. I don't know how any future birthday is gonna make it close to this one lol

- ask for a raise towards the end of the year

Did and it good approved, yay!

- go on 10 business trips and see the most of Germany

Did! Did not get to see a lot of Germany as businnes trips started to feel like work and a burden, so just went there in the morning and back home at night.