#hated it as a teen because it felt so. feminine.

[throwing-roses-into-the-abyss]

idk how this happened but if I get my bubblegum pink gingham 18th century bedgown finished before wednesday I can go to see barbie in an almost fully pink(-ish) outfit that's also a mix of different historical eras

[chrollosbm]

Sunflower Fields: a Choso Love Story Chapter Eleven

art cr: shijoula on x

You're broken from a past relationship, thinking you only deserve the worst. Choso comes along, making you realize you deserve the world and more. Will your ex-boyfriend let you go without a fight? (Choso x black!reader, yandere Choso)

Previous Chapters

pls support me on ao3, it would mean the world to me

Choso was currently standing cluelessly in a bar he’d never frequented, let alone heard of, in a pile of bodies with people he would never, ever, even associate with. The place was full of obvious college students who’d just hit the legal drinking age, or were either too young to be in a bar in the first place. The bouncer seemed sketchy to begin with, barely checking IDs as he chatted up younger women who were barely adults. He felt gross, gross to be standing in here as the air was muggy, it smelled like it hadn’t been cleaned in ages, and the music was absolutely terrible. 

But, he was doing this for you. This small, crowded establishment that was driving him insane was right across the street from the far more luxurious club you were in. Thank God. He felt like he would have a heart attack if he knew you were in attendance of this low class bar, knowing you were way better than this.

Choso couldn’t even spend five minutes in this setting before he realized he couldn’t take much longer, so with great effort, he pushed through the sea of bodies and made his way outside, to the front of the trashy spot where he found a vacant bench to sit on. He sighed as he sat down, legs sprawled out in a manspread position, annoyed with his plan to begin with. He could’ve just done this from the start, as he had a clear view of the club from here, although it was more risky as there was a higher likelihood of him being caught by you. He deemed it worth the risk though, as he only wanted to protect you. You would understand that, right?

A feminine voice snapped Choso from his thoughts. “Mind if I sit with you?” The voice said, and he turned his head to find a pale woman with long brown hair, dressed in club attire, a cigarette hanging from her mouth, waiting for his answer.

He simply shrugged, not bothering to change his position to make room for the stranger. He couldn’t bring himself to pay attention to anything but the surroundings of the establishment you were in. The streets were filled with loud, drunk people, the night’s lights were bright and sounds of laughter, screaming, and music filled the air. Choso hated it. He hated the amount of people, the noise, the smell, everything. Once again though, he was out here doing this for you, to stand guard, to be sure you wouldn’t come into harm whatsoever. 

The scent of cigarette smoke and vanilla filled Choso’s lungs as the strange woman sat down next to him, taking another puff of the cancer stick, the aroma surprisingly not foul smelling. He had immersed in smoking as a teen as part of his rebellious phase, only stopping because of the growing dent in his pockets due to the habit. He never picked it up again after that, as he knew it was bad for his health, and he didn’t want his younger brothers to pick up the habit as well.

A hand holding out a pack of said cigarettes was now in his view, distracting him from his surveillance on you. “You smoke?” She asked, offering him one.

Choso turned to look at her and shook his head. “Not anymore.” He answered, taking one anyway, actions contradicting his words.

The woman gave a chuckle and pulled out a lighter to light the cigarette currently hanging from Choso’s full lips, before taking one final drag of hers, tossing it carelessly in the already littered street afterwards.

“I’m Shoko.” She said, monotone laced in her voice, and Choso mentally rolled his eyes. 

Not his type. Not you. 

“And I’m not interested.” Choso responded, not caring about the clear lack of manners he was giving to this stranger that was kind enough to offer something of her possession to him, something he was currently relishing in. He could physically feel the stress lifting from his body with each inhale, suddenly feeling less tense about the entire situation. He had a full view of the entrance and exit to the club, so he would know when you left. He needed to relax. 

Her loud laugh interrupted Choso’s thoughts and he cringed, annoyed at the volume of her roar. You were the only one whose voice he loved hearing at that amplification. “Oh, relax.” The woman he now knew as Shoko’s voice was still filled with humor and he wanted to leave immediately. He didn’t want to entertain this conversation any longer. 

“I’m not trying to get into your pants. Yours has something in it that I’m not too particularly fond of.” Her face read disgust as she looked the man up and down, a smirk on her face as she reached his eyes again. 

Choso’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, suddenly feeling a twinge of guilt for his bluntness a few seconds ago. A twinge. 

“My bad.” He said, casually, exhaling the smoke from his lips with an ‘o’ shape, away from the woman’s stature, a small smirk remaining on his face from the tranquility of his old habit and the fact he’d just mistaken the woman next to him for flirting with him. It happened pretty often that he rejected others, so it was just a habit, not cockiness at all. He tossed the still-lit stick into the road, mocking Shoko’s previous action. “I’m just used to rejecting women is all.”

It was her turn to shoot her brows up in shock at his statement and she folded her arms and placed one leg over the other, bouncing it up and down, her knee-high boots moving in the air. “Cocky bastard, I see.” She let out nonchalantly, causing Choso to let out a genuine laugh at her boldness before she continued. Who the hell was this crazy woman? “I think we’re gonna be friends.” She finished with a smile and he tilted his head in confusion.

Friends? Choso didn’t really have friends, more like acquaintances, coworkers, and you. His brothers were his friends, but he knew that didn’t really count. He didn’t really trust anyone enough to have close companions, afraid that everyone ended up leaving, anyway. The man had always struggled with that part of himself, as he of course had some fear that you could leave him at some point. He of course wouldn’t let that happen, like he’d pondered before, he would die before that dilemma occurred. Choso was afraid of what he would do if you expressed or gave off any sort of disinterest in him, knowing he wouldn’t let you go, no matter what he had to do to stop you from leaving him. 

As scary as the thought was, he knew he would take drastic measures to make sure you stayed his, even if that meant corrupting some of the morals he wasn’t even sure he had. 

He needed you and you needed him. You two were going to be connected, forever.

“So, what are you doing out here all alone?” Shoko asked, calming his sinister line of thinking. Choso stared blankly at her, not sure exactly what to say. He couldn’t just outright say he was tracking you, keeping tabs on you even though you weren’t aware of his actions. That would come off as stalker-ish. Choso wasn’t a stalker, he just wanted to confirm your well-being. “I’m meeting an old friend. Although, it is getting kind of late for my liking.” She let out breezily with a sigh when Choso didn’t answer quickly enough, and he mentally sighed, knowing he wasn’t in the spotlight anymore.

He quickly composed himself at her statement before responding, taking a piece of his makeshift bang from his signature buns to twirl in his fingers, feigning nonchalance. “Oh nice. A girl?” He smirked at her and she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Boy, do I wish! Just going clubbing with one of my friends from high school. Haven’t seen him in a while and he’s been going through it because of his ex or some shit.” She shrugged. “Oh, I think that’s him now!” Her voice was filled with enthusiasm as she pointed to the familiar man walking down the street and Choso couldn’t believe his fucking luck. 

Walking only twenty feet from him, was Suguru fucking Geto. The man who broke your heart more than once, cheated on you, betrayed you, stalked you.

Suguru was stopped in front of Choso before he knew it, a cocky expression on his features, looking down at the sweet woman he was meeting for the night. “She bothering you?” He asked Choso jokingly, obviously having no idea who he was and it took every fiber in Choso’s being not to knock him out on sight. Choso was livid, he knew it by the heat inside his body, no matter how freezing it was outside, it felt like a hot summer day by the way he was sweating. His knuckles were paler than usual with the way he was clenching his fists, ready to swing at any given moment. He couldn’t though. How would he explain this to you? He just so happened to be at a bar across the street from the club he knew you would be at? No, you wouldn’t believe that for a second. You were too damn smart for your own good.

Wait a minute. How did Suguru know you were here?

“Okay then…” Choso’s eyes snapped to the man as he spoke when Choso didn’t answer, knowing his face read nothing but pure hatred from the sudden unnerving aura in the air. “Let’s go, Shoko. This guy’s a fuckin’ weirdo.” Suguru continued and Choso absolutely lost it at the man’s bravery, obviously having absolutely no clue who he was dealing with. 

Choso let out a disgusted scoff before standing to his feet quickly, choosing to land mere inches from your stalker’s face. “That’s fucking hilarious coming from you.” Choso’s words came out venomous, wicked really, as he looked him in his eyes, standing tall and proud, not caring how confused the man before him seemed.

“The fuck…” Choso heard from the bench where Shoko sat, obviously bewildered at the observation before her, head flicking from left to right. “You know my friend?” Her question was directed at Choso, who ignored her inquisition.

Suguru was clearly disoriented at the man before him’s menacing spirit, completely thrown off guard at his statement. “Yo, I don’t know who the hell you are, but back the fuck out of my face.” He moved closer to Choso, words contradicting themselves, chest equally as buff, almost touching his, with a haunting look plaguing his features, one that would’ve scared the average man. The being you were dealing with was not your average man though, Choso was a lot of things, he had a lot of positive traits that included caring, protective, kind, and intelligent, but there was a demented side to him, a side that contained vile-like behavior, vengefulness, manipulation, and acrimony. It only showed when he or a loved one was threatened or hurt, and as said before he tried to keep it under wraps, it wasn’t a side he wanted you to ever see.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Choso asked, cutting to the chase. Fuck the BS, he needed to know why he was here, about to attend the club you were currently in, celebrating your birthday. He continued when Suguru’s face quickly filled with skepticism. “You here for her? On her birthday?” Choso nodded his head across the street and not soon after, all the blood seemeed to rush from Suguru’s face.

When silence filled the air, nothing to be heard but their shallow breaths, Choso’s heaving getting louder by the second, Shoko cut in, finally seeming to catch on pretty swiftly. “Oh, you did not bring me here to help you stalk your ex-girlfriend, did you?!” She asked the gobsmacked man before Choso, who still had nothing to say. “Answer me right now, Suguru Geto!” Her voice came out, forcefully and the man she was speaking to’s jaw clenched tightly, obviously caught in his seemingly master plan.

“You her new boyfriend or something?” Suguru spat at Choso, ignoring his concerned friend who threw her arms up in defeat, before fuddling in her leather jacket to grab her pack of cigarettes, muttering something about her “friend” being shitty as usual. Choso would have to agree, maybe even taking it further to describe him as something far more cruel.

Choso smirked at him, almost laughing in the man’s face at his apparent stress. “All that matters is that you aren’t. She’s done with you. While you’re busy still pining after her, stalking her, she’s moved on, very happily at that.” Rage suddenly filled Suguru’s eyes, a burning fire seemingly in them as Choso continued, loving the way he was riling the man up with just words. 

—-- 

The scene across the street from the club you were in, completely oblivious to the situation, was a sinister one. But, you were inside, trying to have the time of your life, but seemingly not being able to for a few reasons. 

Number one: Andrea left quite some time ago. As usual, she could not handle her liquor. Before you all left the pregame at your apartment, she was already off her ass. She then proceeded to order three rounds of tequila shots, one after another, before she bolted off to the bathroom, prompting your older sister to run after your best friend, who was almost equally as drunk, but kept it under wraps with her super responsible oldest sister powers, as she called it. They didn’t spend too long in said restroom until Kento was waltzing into the establishment, an irked and distressed look covering his features. He took her home shortly after, but not before sending money for an Uber, since he was supposed to be your ride home. He sent more than needed, but you knew it was because he felt so horrible about the situation. 

Number two: Not only did your best friend get absolutely hammered, but so did your younger sister. She drank more than Andrea, at both your apartment and the nightclub, but she seemed to overestimate her tolerance, as she was currently leaning on your older sister for support, still trying to dance, without any success. 

Number three: There was something nagging in the back of your head. You didn’t know what, but since arriving, you felt…watched. It was like someone’s eyes were never leaving you and since around the time Andrea left, it got worse, making you feel almost naked. Your paranoia had driven you to search for the reason why you felt so uneasy, trying to lock eyes with the predator, but failing miserably. This was bothering you more than anything else, more than the people in your company irritating you greatly, which was a damn lot.

Your thoughts were interrupted when your older sister, your saving grace, and the only person not causing high emotion in you, Valerie, called your name in concern. You snapped your head to her to find her attempting to hold up your suddenly very drowsy younger sister, Opal, causing you to have those same powers your older sibling claimed to have, sobering up completely to help the youngest out of the club immediately. 

Today was not a good day to wear high heels, with them being at least four inches tall and skinny, making it incredibly hard to help guide the grown woman out the night spot. You managed though, with the help of a security who came to save the day. 

You were all now sitting outside on the curb, waiting for the Uber Valerie called while you were still inside, only to find out it was twenty whole minutes away. It was almost freezing outside and with your choice of attire consisting of a skimpy black dress that stopped at your mid-thigh, those heels that were open-toed, and only a fur coat that seemed to be your only intelligent choice of clothing on your body, you could not wait that long. You had half a mind to call Choso, but you knew it would probably take him that long to arrive anyway, plus he hadn’t answered any of your text messages in the past fourty-five minutes, so you assumed he was already asleep, (plus you would feel bad for taking the money Kento had so graciously given you just to not put it to good use.)

“How the hell is she in university drinking like a maniac every weekend, but can’t hold it together for a night out with us?” Valerie inquired from next to you, eyes on the scene beside her. Opal was leaning on the security guard for support, basically hugging him, with her eyes closed, ignoring his pleas for her to drink the water bottle he’d snagged from the front counter. 

It was cute really, they had only just met, but by the rose tint on the man’s cheeks, you could very well tell he was into your younger sister. At first you thought he was helping out of kindness, which he still could have been doing, but now it looked like he was doing it for something more, with him promising to remain outside with you all until your ride arrived. 

And why wouldn't he? Your sister was adorable, with her face almost an exact replica of you and your older sister's, her hair in a huge curly fro, dressed in the girliest, pinkest club attire, including her baby pink fur coat, which was the exact opposite of you and Valerie's. Valerie had chosen a warmer outfit, a tight, midi length sweater dress and high heeled boots, obviously the smarter of the three of you. Her hair was in black knotless braids, as it always was, being that it was easier to take care of since she didn't have the time to do her own hair, with her hands always in someone else's head. 

You let out a snort, wondering the same thing as your older sister. “Who knows?” You turned and shook your head at Opal, who was now drinking the water, staring up at the man who was now pleased at her actions, praising her with a smile on his face. “She better get it together before tomorrow night. I’m not stopping the party again just because the two of them can’t hold their liquor.” You finished with a roll of your eyes. It was your birthday weekend, for Christ’s sake.

Your annoyance was cut short when Opal finally spoke, but it was in a panicked tone, and not to you, but the man beside her. “What the fuck is going on over there?!” Her words were slurred, but you followed her eyesight to the scene across the street to see two men beating the shit out of eachother-well one man getting his ass beat. A screech from the woman above them was loud enough to pierce everyone’s ears in a two-mile radius. 

“Jesus Christ!” Valerie gasped next to you, covering her mouth as the man on the bottom’s face made a loud cracking sound as a fist connected to his jaw. 

Your heart raced with adrenaline at the sight before you as you got up to get a closer look, despite both of your sister’s protests. You really should mind your business, but something was calling you to the scene ahead of you, an invisible force dragging you to the commotion that was drawing a small crowd, anyway. The security guard who helped Opal was running ahead of you towards the disturbance, having to abandon your younger sister for a more pressing matter. 

You stumbled across the street, curiosity getting the best of you when you paused halfway there, to find  no one other than Choso fucking Kamo getting yanked off of a very bloody man, who still had the nerve to be talking shit after the obvious ass whooping he just caught. The top Choso’s t-shirt was torn, exposing his tattoos and his silver chain, his hair was a mess with one bun hanging from his head, while the other had seemingly fallen. His face was tomato red in comparison to his pale body, and fuck. Why did he have to look so deranged and so sexy? 

You snapped out your dirty thoughts and wanted to run over to Choso to figure out what the hell was happening, why he was fighting when you looked down to see that the man he was just hammering into the ground was no other than Suguru fucking Geto. 

Your heart felt like it stopped beating with the way it dropped to the bottom of your stomach. What is going on? Why were they fighting? Did they know each other? Who is that woman? What were they doing here? 

All of those questions were swirling through your head just as Suguru seemed to notice you, his facial expression turning from murderous to appalled, probably from your surprise appearance.

“Your boyfriend is a fucking psychopath!” He all but roared at you, looking disheveled with blood pooling from his nose and mouth and onto his neck as he attempted to get up, but falling almost immediately, causing the brown haired woman to help him up, grumbling obscenities underneath her breath. Was this his new girlfriend? 

Ugh, who cares? 

You didn’t know what to think and you weren’t sure how to feel, but for some reason the sight of Suguru on the ground, beat to a fucking pulp by Choso Kamo, pleading at your feet, lit something sinister in you. You didn’t feel angry, or disappointed, or sorrowful even. 

What you felt was pure elation. Euphoric at the fact that he was practically crying and begging you to do something about Choso who’d just given him the ass whooping of a lifetime, probably at your expense, and outright in ecstasy at the sight of Choso, only ten feet from you now, a small amount of blood drooling from his gore painted lips, silently suffering, seemingly waiting for your reaction, as he was being held back from the pathetic man under you.

You couldn’t help the sinister grin that began to creep on your face, something that should have terrified Choso, or even yourself, but it didn’t. In fact, his large toothy, amused smile followed yours, and he looked the happiest you had ever seen him.

You didn’t know if that relieved you or fucking terrified you. 

Chapter Twelve is Posted

[cowboyjen68]

Hi!!

I just wanted to ask some advice from one butch to another.

I recently got my dream job of being a warden on a nature reserve (and i love it!), while interacting with people there I get called a young man very often (i am 18 lol) and it gives me euphoria to know im masculine enough to even pass as a man. I've also had some volunteers ask if I was a man or not (despite my feminine name).

But recently I got called a "lady" outside while out with my mother. It drove me INSANE I cried alot.

Don't get me wrong I do identify as a woman but I hate being seen as a lady.

I've even thought about using he/him pronouns recently and changing my name but i'm too scared to as most people won't understand bc im still a lesbian.

Is this strange?

ps love u and ur blog lots xx

This is an easy answer because I was 18 once and looked enough like a teenage boy that I got "hey sport" and "hey young man" all the time, especially when in my work clothes. I worked for The Mayor's Youth Corp in Iowa City in the summers of my 15th and 16th year. Mom and Dad let me get a work permit AND bought me a used Datsun Pickup so I could drive myself the 20 miles there and back each day.

I was a volunteer with the Corp of Engineers youth from 14 to 16 and Dad knew I was super excited about this job. Mom was not thrilled that I wanted to cut my hair but my "grand mullet" was really hot under the hard hat in the summer heat of Iowa. (in the 1980's boys and girls had the short in front long and permed in back look) We compromised and I cut the sides really short. (photo of my me at 16 in my uniform for reference)

Using "he" would never have occurred to me because "EWWW Boys". This is not to say, however, that I hated being mistaken for a boy, on the contrary, it felt good. When someone thought I was a young man it meant they treated me as such. They didn't talk down to me, I knew they assumed I was capable and willing to get dirty. I knew unconsiously that along with the mistaken identity came many perks. This was nothing I analyzed but little girls see very early on the difference in treatment they recieve from their brothers, male cousins and neighborhood boys. This difference leads us to become negotiators to control our circumstances and not entittled to treatment based on our skills and actual personalies.

When an adult recognized me as a boy, even for a second at first glance, I knew I didn't have to prove myself. They, for an instant, assigned to me words like "strong, capable, demanding etc". No negotations required.

When someone realized I was a girl they literally had a change in their face. They smiled at me, softened their voice. When I was called "young lady" or "Miss" it always seemed to be backed my the worst assumptions (in my mind anyway). Lady is steeped in all kinds of traits I didnt want assigned to me. "quiet, weak, likes to dress pretty"OR "motherly, submissive, meek" Nothing good in my teen brain, that is for sure. Lady felt so OLD, so married to a man and reliant on him for survival, so polyster pants and ugly flats and scratchy blouses with a flower imprint. NONE of these things are inherent to being a woman or even socially forced on us but that is not how things work sometimes. Words that describe people get stereotypes and myths and traits attached to them all the time. Woman and girl are no different.

I can tell you, the best feeling in the world when I was in that job was when my supervisor, who damn well knew I was a young woman, trusted me with all the same tasks as the boys. Who valued my opinions and abilities equally to the young men. He took time to teach me what I didn't know, just like with them and didn't assume I couldn't or didn't want to learn things on the job. He didn't shame ANYONE for not being strong enough or for getting tired or needing a break.

Don't let the assumptions of others force you into another box of conformity. You don't need a boys name or to use any pronouns you don't feel connected to just to please others. In fact, none of that effort will change perceptions of those around you. I can promise that one day being called Lady will just be another word that you can hear and know it does not change your personality or your interests or control the hope you have for your future. What does waste a lot of time and energy is trying to adjust things in your life to fit incorrect or snap assumptions about you as a person. You can never control the thoughts of those around you but what you can do is stop worrying about it and enjoy YOU.

You have a job you love and are sure to thrive in. You are solid in your sexuality and love of women, you are in a unique position to possibly change the perceptions of others when they think of "young women". Your interactions with the public are sure to effect the assumpions of at least some people when they think of young women and their roles in our society.

Congratulations on your new career and I bet you rock that uniform.

[velvetvexations]

I feel like a lot of the trans women saying that masculinity/manhood is always rewarded in everyone because patriarchy often forget that the opposite is true, actually, for people who are seen as women/put in the "woman" category.

Because yes, trans women are usually forced into manhood and "rewarded" for being men, and punished for being women. But that's not because manhood is universally rewarded in everyone, but because partriarchy sees having been born with a penis as "man".

It also sees being born with a vagina as "woman", and every deviation from that is *also* punished.

Yes, people who are seen as women/girls may have more freedom in expression of gender (depending on where they are from. I hate when ppl act like people afab everywhere can just dress like men without punishment. There are so many countries with laws on what "women" (and those treated as women because of their agab) can wear, and if anyone believes for one second that breaking these laws is REWARDED in any way, they're so fucking deep in their own head and need to talk to someone from these countries) but that freedom was fought for by feminists! Feminists have fought to be simply just allowed to wear pants. It's ridiculous to look at how it is now (in the western world) and make conclusions on that without looking at *why* it is that way now and how it was before.

And people are usually expected to grow out of their tomboy-"phase" by the time they reach their late teens, or early twenties at latest, and become a feminine woman, wife, and mother. If you don't do that, your masculinity gets punished.

And the masculinity of people afab is also only (begrudgingly) accepted (in SOME places in the world) as long as they're still visible as women or girls and their masculinity is hot and serves cishet men. As soon as they step "too far" out of these roles (by being non-binary or men, or being "ugly", fat, or anything that would make them "undesirable"), their masculinity gets punished. Horribly.

It's really infuriating when (trans)radfem trans women try to act like their experiences are universal and whenever someone says something that disagrees with them, they must be lying or "delusional" (yay, ableism! so progressive /s) for thinking that they were, in fact, punished for their masculinity or manhood...

Sorry for unloading this on you, didn't know where else to put it. And thank you so much for listening.

I think a major issue here is that no matter how much we try to reason things out and work through why they act the way they do, radical feminism, trans or cis, ultimately comes down, at some point, to a deliberate decision to prioritize egocentrism and their own desires over seeing other people as real, actual people - not even other transfems, who they just sexualize and try to control, or call a TERF if they can't. And it's hard to reason with that.

Like, they have to know on some level that they hyperinflate trans women in particular being "socially murdered"* to use as social capital and terrorize younger** transfems into isolating themselves. Maybe a very long time ago for some of them it came from the distress they felt from the legitimately immense danger transfems face in a variety of contexts, but they've shot far beyond that now and just don't really care. They've built a cage of unreality around themselves that makes me feel like I'm talking to aliens.

Like the other day, I was talking to one who insisted that the tee-em-ees will not show up for me. Like, I said they did, and she said they won't, and I was like, but they DO! They have! Always! I've seen it with my own eyes, directly for me specifically! But it was just "who hurt you," "let yourself be angry," "don't settle for just scraps," "they won't treat you better if you throw yourself at their feet," "social murder," and it's like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE? WAS THIS A DREAM YOU HAD?

And what about the deliberately cruel fuckery, the constant derision of the most petty things like forcemasc? What the fuck do they get out of wrongly asserting that women are never punished for masculinity and never have a problem with being viewed as masculine, like why are they doing that, what is their goal? Because it seems like it's literally just "mock and invalidate the sexual interests of others and deem it an inferior copy of our thing."

What do they get out of misgendering cis and trans men for forcefem funsies and telling them to suck it up? They don't really believe that their forcefem joke is the only thing that might make an egg crack. That's extremely obviously a lie. They're doing it because they want to, because it's their kink, because they don't care about the feelings of other people, and they can use transmisogyny as a convenient defense when people ask them to moderate literally any of their behavior for the comfort of everyone else to literally any extent while demanding everyone else shut up and defer to them on every single topic in every single situation.

And this stuff with D20 and Ophiuchus and the transmasc character being treated better? A lie. Just fully making it up. Inventing it. Fabricating it. For attention.

I've never had one acknowledge it when I've tried to explain that I first learned about all of this from transmasc friends bringing it to me so they could defer to my opinion.

They're determined to stay like this. It sucks.

*truly a phrase that makes me livid to even think about now, they reduce it to about the same level of seriousness as forcefem jokes, every single time it's so thoughtlessly hollow and self-obsessed but you could guess that from it being a fair description of every thought they externalize

**let me make this clear, I'm referring to young adults, I am not accusing anyone of being predatory towards minors nor am I saying the motivations are necessarily sexual anyway, although clearly transradfems don't care about the effect their hyperbole will have on the mental health of minors exposed to it and trained from a young age to never trust anyone, so underage transfems are very much a concern here, but not in the sense that they're being directly and personally abused in any way

[kn-1013]

Sal Headcannons

I've done headcannons and Larry and Travis, so now it's time for my Sal headcannons. CW for mentions of suicide.

His Jersey accent used to be a lot thicker, but faded over time as he lived in Nockfell. He still calls it 'wutter' instead of 'water' though, and Larry makes fun of him for it (S: Can I get some wutter? L: No, I can get you some water though).

Henry and Sal are pretty isolated from the rest of their family. Diane's family don't like Henry because they think he had something to do with Diane's death, and they've tried to influence Sal to believe that he did, but it didn't work. They aren't in contact with Henry's parents because quite frankly they're just awful people, and Henry hasn't spoken to them since Sal was very young.

Sal takes bugs outside with a cup and is unnerved by squishing them.

He can't drive because his depth perception has been pretty badly damaged from both losing one eye, and the mild brain damage he received after the shooting. He still feels comfortable enough to ride his bike most of the time, though.

Yeah, he got a bit of brain damage after the shooting, and experiences mild issues with balance, vertigo, depth perception, swallowing, occasionally with speech, and reading/reading comprehension.

He was born with a cleft lip and palette, and that coupled with the missing cheek and the brain damage makes it so that he has a mild speech impediment most noticeable with P's (they can sound more like B's), and S's (slight lisp), and he often slurs his speech slightly, especially when he's tired. He also has tendencies to skip over words when speaking, say them out of order, or conjoin words.

He has ADHD.

Despite his lack of a license, he has been driving a couple of times before, though it's usually because Larry convinced him to. Larry would drive his truck down to an isolated location and have Sal drive around for fun, and it was mostly just donuts because as soon as Sal learned how to do those, that was all he wanted to do.

After the shooting, Henry started drinking heavily and began neglecting his son's posttraumatic needs, and most other needs. He also got bullied for his face and his feminine nature very heavily, getting worse as he got older and the teens got meaner. His friends mostly defended him, but they could be just as mean at times, and it never really felt like he was a part of the group as much as he was their pet freak. This all caused Sal to become extremely bitter and mean for a long time, which comes as a surprise to his friends, having only known him as a very kind person.

He attempted suicide once, when he was around fifteen or sixteen, as a result of the mounting stress and mental health problems. This is what caused Henry to really wake up about his alcoholism, realizing that if he couldn't better, then he'll lose his son, too.

In the aftermath of this attempt, after having to deal with patronizing doctors for weeks, Sal managed to express his bitterness and hatred and anger properly for the first time in years by yelling at his father about it until he broke down. This was the beginning of their relationship beginning to heal. Still, Sal said a lot of things he regrets now during that breakdown. (S: If you took five minutes to stop pickling your frontal love in Miller Lite, you'd have enough brain cells left to realize what was going on with me a lot sooner.)

Sal hates doctors more than anything, having had some very negative experiences with them over the years. He finds them extremely patronizing and often feels gaslit after talking to one professionally, because they're often extremely homophobic to him, assuming that his gender non-conformity is somehow the result of an Ed Gein-like pathology. If they're not being homophobic, they see his face, his disabilities, and his psychiatric issues, and they start treating him like a toddler, (it gets worse in psychiatric hospitals).

With how I write him, Sal definitely has quite a bit of BPD, but with the original storyline, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to get diagnosed. In AUs, he probably gets diagnosed sometime in his early to mid twenties, as that's when his symptoms really become apparent as relationships in his life start getting more serious and his old coping mechanisms start becoming much more pathological.

I've given some of my weird bullshit to Travis (autism) and Ash (mystery, because I haven't made her post yet lol), so I've also been giving Sal some too: He has POTS, but Henry explained it to Sal as 'your mom's heart thing'. It started when he was around 14, and got progressively worse over the years, but he didn't know it was a problem until Lisa pointed out that he wasn't experiencing a normal fatigue when she took his blood pressure with her at-home monitor one time, and he displayed tachycardia and low blood pressure. He often wears compression gear underneath his clothes to help, and can often be seen drinking pickle juice, because it's cheaper than pedialyte.

Due to the everything that's wrong with him, he's very passionate about disability justice.

His favorite horror movie is Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because it was the first one he watched with Larry. To this day, he maintains that Bubba Sawyer did nothing wrong, that it was the fault of those stupid teenagers, and that the sequels take away what made the first movie so good by making them so over the top.

He watched Carrie once and it made him cry. In retrospect, it reminds him somewhat of Travis.

Considers Nightmare on Elm Street a kid's movie.

His favorite actor is Michael Berryman, as he is a successful and well-liked person with facial/body differences, and that makes him feel a bit more confident in himself.

Sal has a lot of gender-differences, but I don't know if he would ever label it officially. I do think he should try Estrogen though. It's a recreational drug, he'll like it.

With sexuality, I think Sal is bisexual. As far as types go, I think he's most into people with more dominant personalities than his; people who like to talk more, people who are very passionate, people who know what they want, people who can take the lead in a relationship because he's definitely too nervous for that, etc. I think Ash falls into this category, which is what draws him to her.

Larry also falls into this category as well, if we wanna talk Sal/Larry. He has more experience and stands on a more solid ground identity-wise than Sal does, which makes him a great rock and dominant character in the relationship.

Travis does not fall into this category, at least not at first, because he simply doesn't feel very comfortable with himself or in a relationship with another guy at first. Especially with Sal, I think this would probably be his, like, first or second relationship, so he's not very experienced at all, and has trouble knowing what he wants. But, this changes a lot as he grows into himself and eventually becomes the more dominant one of the relationship.

No matter what the end-goal ship is for the story i'm writing, I always picture Sal and Ash having dated for a bout a year or so during or after high school, then breaking up, usually either for Ash's college reasons, or general mutual reasons, such as Sal not being stable enough for a relationship mentally, or realizing they do better as friends.

Upon reflecting on the relationship, Ash describes dating Sal as more like dating a girl than a guy. All things considered, she holds Sal in high esteem as a partner, as he was very attentive to her needs and generally eager to communicate. Though, his biggest issue was that he could be cagey and didn't like it when she focused on him too much, due to his insecurities and fears around intimacy.

Sal has always been feminine and faggy, which is why it was somewhat of a surprise to Henry when it turned out he DID like girls, just in addition to boys. Not that that's a bad thing, he just wasn't expecting it.

Henry's parents are pretty homophobic, and instilled a lot of that into him, but a lot of that started changing when he had his own son, who seemed so pleased to wear fairy princess dresses that Henry couldn't bring himself to do to Sal what was done to him in the name of an increasingly arbitrary masculinity. He ended up having to argue with a lot of doctors to leave Sal's expression alone, because they kept claiming that it was some kind of pathological issue that needed to be fixed, and not just who he was. (H: The problem isn't that he's a fag, he's always been that way! The problem is that his mother was killed right in front of him, and his face was disfigured! Why don't you focus on that?)

This is getting a bit long now, lol. I'll need to make a part two at some point because I think about Sal way too much. It's very easy for me to write for him, because we have a lot of very similar experiences with 'random tragedies'. He's probably my favorite to write for, aside from Todd.

[sarielsnowings]

Awoooo ✨🌙

Spooky season is for SELF INDULGENT ART ONLY.

The paragraph that follows goes into my own body image issues around body hair and transitioning so if you don’t feel like reading some personal thoughts you can skip it! ^^ I just felt like sharing a bit of the thought process behind this piece.

I’ve been getting more hairy ever since starting testosterone (to be expected, of course) and I’ve had encountered feelings about it. On one hand it’s exciting to see the changes but on the other, having always been a fairly hairy person (and presenting feminine throughout my teens) I had a lot of self hate and insecurity around my body hair. It’s dark and strong and grows everywhere, but getting rid of it was an immense ordeal since I’d have to shave very often (and took forever to do so) and more long lasting methods like waxing or any other form of pulling hair out would usually just cause injuries. I felt ugly and unlovable because of something my body was just naturally programmed to do in order to keep me safe and protected. I’m glad I could change my mind, slowly dismantling all the fucked up expectations and beauty standards my surroundings (family, friends, society) had implemented so deep in my brain. For me, realising I was non binary was a huge help, as I didn’t feel like I had to conform to the idea of “womanhood” anymore, but most people don’t have the luxury of that first encouraging push! If you’re a woman, or if you’re anyone who’s ever felt pressured to have a particular relationship with your body hair (and your image in general), you should still be able to live your life as comfortably as possible within your body. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of the way you look. It should be YOUR decision whether you’d like to shave or not, for aesthetic reasons or comfort or health or otherwise! YOUR choice. Anyway… a few years have gone by, I’m glad I have a much healthier and kinder relationship with my body in that sense. Then I started testosterone treatment (which has made me incredibly happy so far) and I noticed more hair growing, and some of these thought came back to haunt me. The insecurity and fear… but I’m not 13 anymore. I’ve lived through the anxiety and the stress and the insecurity and now I can face this with new, slightly wiser eyes. And it’s alright. It’s ok! I look how I look, it’s cute! It’s affirming. I love seeing the changes, I love discovering the pattern in which my faint beard grows, just like a musketeer’s, I love my happy trail spiralling down into my bellybutton. And if I ever want to change things up, I can always shave, on occasion, but I’m glad I no longer feel like I HAVE TO. This new stage of hair growth made me think of werewolves and their transformation, and you know what? Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m not a ghoul, a vampire or a skeleton this Halloween. Maybe I’m a fluffy wolf howling at the moon. A wild creature baring fangs, eyes shining in the underbrush. A soft, tail-wagging friend happy to receive head-pats... It’s all good. I’m alright.

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

Ok imma make a list of my fave animes and manga from when I was growing up., because I can. And if you are an Italian that grew up in the late 80s/early 90s watching TV, you'll find a crapton of those cartoons that were aired on Bim Bum Bam (so, Italia 1, Canale 5 and Rete 4 lolol) and on the smaller television channels (especially the one from the 80s ).

It's going to be A LONG ONE, probably divided in a couple of reblogs, because I am not kidding you all, I DEVOURED manga and anime when I was a child/teen lolol

As usual, they are in no particular order of preference: I am just writing them down as they come to my mind.

So without further ado, you will find the list beneath the "keep reading" lolol

-LADY OSCAR

When I say that this story shaped me as a person, I am not exaggerating. I always LOVED reading shoujos, but I never felt like I could relate to any of the heroines. I felt like I was never sweet enough, or feminine enough. Then, Oscar François de Jarjayes came along and dear gods, it was EVERYTHING my heart desired. I wanted to be her so badly: brave, strong, just and never afraid to be who I am. This story is my everything.

-X-1999

(the way Seishiro and Subaru's story had me BY THE THROAT even as a teen,I just cannot begin to explain. Gods, it was so twisted, but so SO GOOD. Seishiro and Subaru were just MY EVERYTHING. And do not let me start with Kakyou and Hotaru, my heart was WRENCHED. tbh, it would be fair to say that everything connected to the Sumeragi just grips my heart , especially after reading Tokyo Babylon. Gah, my heart).

-SLAYERS

RINA WAS MY EVERYTHING. Poweful, Sassy, independent, reckless and with a short temper??? like HELLO?? I connected to her so much fml (and child me shipperd her hard with Zelgadis, fml.). The Italian Theme song was just SO BEAUTIFUL, it was one of the many reasons I adored this anime so much.

-ROBIN HOOD

*takes deep breath* ok. I have a lot to unpack on this because I have this CLEAR core memory from when I was still in preschool and was watching this anime at my grandparents' home and I was just lost for Robin. COMPLETELY lost, and while I am known to have a penchant for being rather theatrical, now I am totally serious. fml this cartoon had such a huge influence on me, that I am still feeling it to this day, even in the way I design characters (like, I never realized how much Maid Marian actually resembled Dottie dear gods.)

- MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM WING

I usually do not care much for the Mecha genre tbh, it was never my favourite, but Mobile Suit was one of the few that I actually loved. And this was the Anime that made me go "yes, I love men with long hair fml (Duo, you bastard, I had such a huge crush on you. So yes, I am looking at you) and I love magnificent bastards (Treize I hate that I love you so much)", so I already knew there was no going back lol).

-SAILOR MOON

I talked extensively yesterday about HOW MUCH I love Sailor Moon, but dear gods let me reiterate. Sailor Moon IS my childhood. The amount of time I played pretend in school with my group of friends cannot even start to be counted. Adore. just ADORE.

- CHOBITS

(prepare yourself because you will see A CRAPTON of stuff from Clamp. They were my go to, along Rumiko Takahashi, Naoko Takeuchi and Ai Yazawa).

-CARD CAPTOR SAKURA

(this story was *everything* and i coveted so badly her card deck. like, the amount of time I redrew the card of Fire, Water, Light and Darkness because fml i adore Mokona's style so much, especially the one she had during that period of time).

-TSUBASA RESERVOIR CHRONICLE

(I am still trying to recover from THE HUGE HEADACHE this freaking manga caused me, with all the cross referencing and whatnot, but fml I was *living* for all the characters from Clamp´s previous work being included everywhere. It was amazing, I adored it so much).

-MAGIC KNIGHT RAYEARTH

I WANTED TO BE UMI SO BADLY. SO BADLY. BLUE HAIRED HEROINE, ELEGANT, CONNECTED TO DRAGONS, WITH ONE HECK OF A RAPIER AS SWORD?? WHY YES. YES. And Emeraude, oh gods, the way I loved Emeraude and Zagart's story. Just let me sob in silenceeeee).

- GODCHILD

What can I say about this, aside from the fact that this was my descent into the Visual Gothic Genre?? It had everything! fucked up story-lines (Victorian Gothic literature was filled up with that), the AMAZING pencil of Kaori Yuki, and Cain. ESPECIALLY CAIN.

-DRAGON BALL

(Z/GT, you name it. Mandatory watch with my lil bro, as soon as I got back home followed, of course, by a fight between me and him because we couldn't agree on who was stronger, Vegeta or Goku - and I still stand by my man Vegeta, idc. Also, Freezer's saga lasted FOREVER. A WHOLE SUMMER OF WATCHING IT, AND IT WAS NEVER ENDING.).

- NARUTO

this is THE MANGA. The one that, alongside The Crow caused me and my husband to meet and fall in love. We were both following Shippuuden as it just came out and was airing in Japan, and my hubby had a Sasuke fpf. Aside from this though, I just love Kishimoto's work so much fml.

- LITTLE POLLON

A whole ass anime about the daughter of Apollo, busy trying to prove herself a Goddess and making SO MUCH CHAOS?? My cup of tea as a child (I was probably 4-5 when I watched it) and my own personal gateway to Greek Mythology lololol

-WOLF'S RAIN

DO NOT SPEAK TO ME ABOUT THIS ANIME, I AM STILL CRYING THINKING ABOUT IT, DEAR GODS. THIS ANIME FUCKED ME UP IN SO MANY WAYS, I CANNOT EVEN START TO COUNT THEM. FML. But dear gods, the way I adored it and tickled all my wolf spot in the brain. BEAUTIFUL.

-GALAXY EXPRESS 999

I have the fondest memories of this anime, because I used to watch it with my grandpa who actually happend to be a train conductor. He always made sure to record it on the VHS when he had shifts where he would not be able to be home and watch it with me, so this has anime has so many memories conneced to it. Also, I loved Maetel, she alway looked so elegant to me (infact, I had half an idea of drawing Dottie as her for halloween, but didn't have the time lolol). Hilariously, this anime would subsequently be the one to open the doors for me to Captain Harlock lol.

-INUYASHA

I CANNOT START BLABBERING ABOUT INUYASHA, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE A 50K ESSAY LONG TO PRESENT HERE. But I remember approaching it after I read Urusei Yatsura and Ranma 1/2 (Rumiko Takahashi is a fucking genius, I will take no other opinion on her. She carried this side of the manga industry on her shoulders alone fml), and I fell SO IN LOVE with the Sengoku Era and with the whole youkai mithos that I just tuned on MTV whenever I could just to watch it fml. Also, this cemented my love for the "Magnificent Bastards with long hair" that Gundam Wing started (am looking at you, Naraku, Sesshomaru and Inu-no-Taisho fml) (also no, I don't want to hear about Yashahime. I love the characters design they had for the children, but as far as I am concerned in regards to the story, that thing never existed for me and will never exist).

-SAINT SEIYA

I CAVALIERI!! I CAVALIERI!! I CAVALIERI DELLO ZODIACOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *ahem, sorry. I had to. The Italian opening by Giorgio Vanni is so fucking catching, it alwys put me in such good mood. I adored Lady Isabel but also wanted her to end up with Nettuno, I just couldn't find a freaking compromise lol. AND FML, my heart belonged to Ikki. He was such a spunky, arrogant son of a bitch, I loved him so much. But truth is that I also ADORED Seiya's Italian VA (Ivo De Palma, fml, you magnificent man).

-YU YU HAKUSHO

This was the beginning of my love for short kings who are also emotionally constipated TO THE MAX and a bit of a bastard. AND YES, HIEI, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU. I was never a great appreciator of Yusuke tbh, but I always shipped him with Botan because they were just SO ADORABLE together. But I was just much more interested in Kuwabara being all over the moon for Yukina and Hiei having to deal with it lololol that was so much fun.

-FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST

BEST. MANGA. AND. ANIME. EVER. I have YET to see to this day a story AS GOOD as this one. Like, seriously, the amount of research that Hiromu Arakawa did for this anime is something that needs to be praised. Seriously, if you have never seen this, GO NOW AND DO SO. You are missing out on SO MUCH.This manga shaped me as a writer and artist, tbh: it had such profound impact on me on a creative level (also, Maes Hughes is living a long life with his family after he retired from service, had 3 more children, and they are all living in a cottage by the sea fml).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK I FINISHED PART 1 FOR NOW.

Part 2 will come soon lolol

[eldritch-bf]

Herbert West identity related headcanons:

ftm (obviously) gay and demi

if he’s 24 in 1985 then he was born in 1961 oof

I’m also using some info from the novelization as canon so he is Canadian and his parents died in a chemical fire in the house when he was 12-13

was forced to take ballet when be was 5-10 (something Jeffry Combs joked about in the commentary from Bride)

his parents were neglectful of him and didn’t really care about him wanting to have short hair or boy clothes plus they chalked it up to his presumably undiagnosed autism

realized he felt weird about the older boy in the foster home (13-18) but didn’t really understand it; mostly he is jealous when girls take away the boy’s attention; closest friend he ever had as they were alone together but Herbert knew he could never act on it so he kept those feelings to himself

he wants sex but only from someone he’s emotionally connected with which itself is rare and at the same time intellectually he considers sex to be debasing, while also being curious about the sensation and knowing the benefits of the chemicals produced during orgasm

this is coupled with the fact that at least before starting T any thought of sex or masturbation made him extremely dysphoric and repulsed so his whole relationship with sex is very complicated

he is deeply repulsed by femininity bc it reminds him of his childhood spend as his agab and the stupid gender norms his parents thrust upon him including dismissing him being a scientist just because he had the wrong parts

he is canonically annoyed by pretty much all sounds and I suspect higher pitched sounds including women’s voices are worse; lower register sounds like thunder and men’s voices can be calming to him

upon moving from Canada to the U.S. as a student at NYU he used his new name on everything and making a clean break from his old identity was a big reason why he picked a different country to study in

hated NYU and the only good thing was it was easy to synthesize testosterone

T made him so fucking horny and also eviscerated his dysphoria; man was cranking it fucking constantly for a year straight and did some of his best work before moving to Switzerland for 3 years

Dr Gruber immediately figured out what his deal was but didn’t say anything and just treated him normal and for that Herbert was extremely devoted to him; Dr Gruber also did his top surgery in Switzerland despite having never done such an operation before

Dr Gruber was the one and only member of his support system the only person who knew everything about him and understood him and accepted him, losing him was a devastating blow and Herbert decided he would keep himself closed off

Also Dr Gruber didn’t have anyone either and adored Herbert and according to the book fucking left Herbert his money when he died which paid for his tuition and moving costs etc

if I didn’t genuinely like the father/son dynamic they have, I would absolutely say he was fucking that old man

So he was cool and clipped to Dan when he first met him and when he moved in trying to keep Dan at arm’s length away but he saw how smart and hardworking Dan was and he knew how difficult it was to conduct this research alone and he desperately wanted the company

and Dan reminded him a lot of the first boy he ever had a crush on and it would give him a certain satisfaction to vicariously have his first crush through Dan yet also knowing that Dan is way better than the idiot teen boy he was in the foster home with who never gave him the time of day; he’s also pleased with the idea of dragging Dan (normal, supposedly heterosexual, law-abiding) down with him; he’s pulling the brightest kindest handsomest hardest working med student out of Miskatonic into his orbit and making Dan’s life revolve around him

literally “look at the bad bitch I pulled by being a little freak” absolute nightmare Herbert West takes personal pleasure in ruining sweaterboy Daniel Cain’s life

the chaos of everything they do is so much more important that when Dan finds out Herbert is trans and gay it doesn’t even phase him.

(Daniel Cain is bisexual and basically decided it was just easier to be pretend to be straight and get a girlfriend so he ignored his feelings for men. But now with Herbert he doesn’t have to.)

he is completely shocked by sex with Dan however despite knowing that Dan is experienced he was not prepared nor was Dan prepared for how awkward yet demanding the virginal Herbert West would be, yelling at him one moment before becoming cock stupid the next

[angryracoon92]

I've been reading ACOTAR again these last days and I can't stop thinking about Elain, as a person, and Elain with Lucien. 

I've been out of the fandom for a while, and I think we're completely missing something big with the ship war going on with Elucien and Elriel. I think SJM has an insane opportunity to give such a message to her readers. I'm mature enough now to take some steps back on the story, but it might not be the case for everybody. At least it wasn't the case for my younger self. 

Elain gets a lot of hate because of misogyny, right? Because she's traditionally feminine, loves her flowers and her baking, is a very social person, and isn't a strong empowered warrior protagonist. I'm not saying those carcters are bad. They are necessary to break gender stereotypes and inspire girls to do what they want in life and  not to be afraid to be themselves if they don't align with the stereotypes. But I've noticed that this type of caracter has become so mainstream now that it has lost its meaning and is no longer a perspective of choice but an expectation. 

This ship war reminded me of Twilight. If I remember right, Bella says at some point that choosing between Edward and Jacob is more about choosing what version of herself is the one she wants to be. So, of course, she chooses an extraordinary life, rebels against the norms, and becomes a vampire. That's good for her. It carried the right message at that time. 

But with Elain, SJM can completely change that message around. If Elain chooses Azriel, she chooses an extraordinary life too. She gets to become an active member of the Night Court, probably will be trained as a warrior or a spy at some point and become a revelant political figure with her seer abilities. That's an attractive life, and would probably allow her character to evolve a lot. But it once again perpetuate that idea that you have to become a very warrior type of character for you to have some value. So we're teaching teens that they have to be extraordinary for people to love them and value them, putting a lot of pressure on them, and encouraging them to, in the end, embody the new stereotype of women that we have created. 

All the beauty of the idea lies there. If Elain chooses Lucien, she won't have to have that dark, alluring life but can choose an ordinary one. She won't be expected to stop her gardening, to act or speak differently. She doesn't have to completely change her personality, and she is still loved and cherished, but for exactly who she is. Even if she can become that super cool person, but not in alignment with herself. It could show that you can be loved even as an ordinary person with an ordinary life. That quiet lives are just as important as epic ones. And that a simple life can still be filled with happiness and beauty. It's a tolkienesque idea, but it's so important to celebrate ordinary lives.

If SJM writes Elucien, she can create a whole spectrum of representation. You can be a queen, a warrior, or a lover, and each of them is just as good as the other if it feels right to you.

And, by writing all of this, I don't even want to take part in this Lucien vs Azriel thing, or even go deeper in the characters. It's not about the characters themselves. There are a lot of amazing people who have done precise analysis of the canon text already. I just felt that it was important for me to share it somewhere, and I've seen no one talking about it already.

Please don't hesitate to interact with this post because I would love to talk about it with someone. Thanks for reading if you made it that far :)

[missmastectomy]

tbh the truth is, i DO see detrans women as traitors on some level. i just don't understand how any woman can hate women so much that you believed the rest of us were slutty stupid bimbo cunts and only you were a real human being with a personality and thoughts, etc. it's the same way i consider rightwing women to be traitors to womankind, and religious women. i don't hate you, and i want the best for you, and i will always be ready to catch you when you fall, but i'll never truly trust you.

See what I mean about the so-called “sympathetic radfems?” The truth is you wouldn’t be there to “catch me when I fall” because you’ve already dehumanized detrans women and decided we were traitors. Sorry I didn’t pass your moral purity test.

Some of you really don’t know a damn thing about trans-identified and detrans people, truly. Y’all do realize that most TIFs don’t think women are “slutty stupid bimbo cunts” right. Again, people are transitioning younger. A lot of TIFs literally started identifying as trans as teenagers. I was 15 and I looked at things with a 15 year old’s eyes. I felt uncomfortable with feminine things, I felt ugly, I hated the feminine parts of my body. On the surface, all the other girls around me seemed so comfortable being women and I didn’t, therefore I must not be a woman. Literally nearly all teen girls go through a phase thinking they’re the only ones who hate their bodies so much and that other girls must not feel the way they do, because teen girls are pressured to conform to femininity and don’t realize the discomfort is a natural stage of adolescence.

Where do you think the self hatred came from? Childhood sexualization combined with an endless stream of gender ideology propaganda and a narrative that dysphoria is incurable and you’re literally doomed to suicide without transition. That being trans is innate.

There’s a lot of reasons a girl would transition and not think all women are worthless sluts or something, you ignorant asshole.

I’m sure you treat ex-religious and ex-conservative women with the same disdain you do with detrans women. As if. The truth is y’all are just bitter and you project the hatred you have for the trans movement and it’s most fringe online components onto detransitioners, because at one point we were attached to it.

Literally why are you even on my blog. Absolutely wild if you follow me, read my personal shit about detransition I share to help people understand us, and come to this conclusion.

[whatarewedoingdude]

Gonna rant about my gender identity because I've been pondering it lately for some reason

I was born with the body of a girl, and I don't mind it. Sometimes I wish I was different, but most times I don't. Sure, the monthly bleeding and hormones are annoying, but I love this body. It may not love me, but I'm doing whatever I can to help that.

I feel like this is mainly due to the fact that I have grown and changed- both physically and mentally- as a person. I grew up hating this body, doing whatever I could to disgrace it. I went through a period in my early teens where I would never look at my body in the mirror. Every time I went to shower, I would turn and face away from the giant mirror in the bathroom. I would cover my eyes so I didn't have to see the body I so badly wanted to be rid of.

Since then, I have come to terms with the shape and anatomy of my body. I now truly believe I am beautiful.

When I was a small child, before reaching double-digit age, I was avid on not being feminine. I hated the color pink, I didn't like stereotypically "girly" things, I did not wear skirts or dresses, I did not paint my nails, I did not like makeup. I never understood why, but now I know it was dysphoria. I did not know it at the time, but I was a boy internally. There was a great disconnect between me and femininity- even though I was a girl, I never felt like one. I felt like I was pretending whenever I presented myself as such.

This is still partially true. Internally, I feel like a boy.

As a preteen, I was obsessed with presenting as femininely as possible. I would shave my arms and legs, stuff my bra, and try to act as "girly" as possible. This was mainly to get male attention. I wanted to be seen and wanted as a woman, to be pretty and desired like all the other girls who had boys falling all over them. At that time, I had a boyfriend and was wildly insecure. By increasing my femininity, I thought he'd pay more attention to me and love me more. This was to no avail.

Only until the pandemic hit did I discover myself.

As I reached my teen years, I thought I was a transgender man. I would dress in jeans and button ups every day, wear sports bras that made my chest look virtually flat, and never shave. I believed that I was a boy, and wanted to be a boy. But I did not want to change my body. This was confusing to me, since at the time, I didn't fully understand that your body doesn't coordinate with your gender identity. It was at this time that I chose my second name: Axel. In typical 13-year-old-me fashion, this name came to me through a video in which a German grandmother gave Haikyu characters German names. Of course, she named my favorite character "Axel", and after a quick google search, I discovered that the name was Scandinavian in origin. Seeing this as an opportunity to pay homage to my ancestors, as well as reinvent myself, I took the name and ran.

After a few years, I am still incredibly happy with this name. The nickname "Axe" is an additional perk.

Only in recent years have I really put two and two together on my real identity. I came across the knowledge that my gender was very flexible and dependent on how I felt that day. I discovered the term "genderfluid" shortly after, which completely transformed my identity. Before, I had classified myself as ftm, even though that never felt quite right. After some research, I concluded that the term "genderfluid" perfectly described how I felt.

I am still very happy with this label. It fits like a glove.

A year or two ago, I finally got my first gender-affirming haircut. It was still fairly feminine, but having hair that didn't go past my shoulders was like a puzzle piece finally clicking into place. Since then, I have gone shorter and shorter, and I now have my sides shaved and a stylized mullet- to the distress of my twin flame, who hates mullets. As I entered my first serious relationship, I discovered that I don't like being seen as a girl through and through. I like being seen as a boy and being referred to as such, even though I present incredibly feminine.

The best way I can describe this is through the analogy of a drag queen. Some fully identify and embrace being physically and mentally male, even though they enjoy presenting feminine. I'm like a drag queen who never takes the makeup off.

[hed-romancer]

season 5 episode 3 of camp camp was amazing, actually

okay so i didn't really like season 5 episode 1, and episode 2 while better, was pretty mediocre to me. Nothing funny, nothing that really moved character interactions forward (besides the slip that david is upset gwen isn't a counselor), some stuff that felt out of character (david doesn't seem the type to worry if he's a good counselor or not so much as worry about literally anything else), and some stuff that was supposed to be funny but was actually unfunny and out of character (the campers choosing to try to open the freezer before even letting anyone know about the cave in). It really was just okay, and only that good bc i love anxious!david

episode 3, however, was absolutely wonderful.

on one hand, you have some of the greatest jokes of the series (david switching over to word associations after explaining exactly nothing, the cut back to the boys where david is taking notes on something nurf is saying, nerris immediately thinking someone born in 1985 must be dead now) (though i'm not exactly a fan of the implication that cj is a child predator being played as a joke).

On the other hand, you have honestly one of the best portrayals of what its like being a tween/young teen girl in media.

ered doesn't know what she's doing, and feels unprepared by her two dads to become a woman, so she goes to gwen to ask for advice, who she thinks is a cool adult woman but is also just so happy to be thought of as cool that she's not even sure what she's agreeing to do. ered asks all the questions she hasn't been able to ask, and gwen realizes quickly she doesn't have all the answers, but still fakes it anyway.

nerris goes off and finds the diary of a kid named jessie, and as they read it they feels seen in a way they never have before. they read more and falls in love with jessie, only to realize that jessie was a kid in 1985, and concludes jessie must be dead by now.

nikki ends up at a spa, and tries new "girly" things, that she previously derided, and finds them enjoyable. once she sees the sum of all the ways she's changed herself, she panics, and realizes she's looking like what she used to hate. how can she still be herself if she's enjoying this?

nikki and nerris go running to ered and gwen for advice, and gwen says "goddammit". ered, realizing that gwen doesn't know anything either, takes helping the younger two on her own. she tells nerris that feeling lost and unsure doesn't mean you're alone, that we've all felt that way. she tells nikki that while its okay to question who she is sometimes, she can be whoever she wants to be and the questioning doesn't make her any less herself.

and it's just chef's kiss. nerris getting a first(?) queer love and realizing it's not gonna happen and not knowing how to handle the heartbreak because it's their first time experiencing it. nikki exploring femininity and realizing it can be enjoyable, even if its not what she usually does, just for her own sake. ered realizing older women don't have it figured out either, and even if she doesn't know everything, she's still gonna step up and help the younger two out. i just love it.

it's literally what becoming an older girl/enby is like. trying to figure it out, helping others try to figure it out, realizing those older than you haven't figured it out either.

[dollanganger-in-the-attic]

On the subject of the ghost writer... normally I'm the sort of person who likes to think that anyone should be allowed to write anything, as long as they put some care into what they're depicting if it's not their lived experience... but is it wrong that it creeps me out that this guy has spent almost 40 years writing stories about the abuse and suffering of girls and women while hiding behind the name of a dead woman?

Surely more people would get this ick from this if he was doing it under his own name and not pretending that all of this was planned by VCA in advance? (Also I get that she managed to write a lot in a short time, but I honestly don't believe that half of what he's written in her name was actually what she planned or wanted.) I don't know, I hate fact that most people don't know a lot of the VCA books are ghost written. My first introduction to VCA as a teen was the Orphan mini-series and I didn't find out that they were ghost written until the last book came out. And, compared to the prose in FitA the Orphan series is such trash. Sorry, I think I went on a wild tangent... I just get annoyed about the ghost writer...

Hey i love talking about this! So thanks for sending this ask, you and i are totally on the same page 🌸

I think to begin with, a man pretending to be disable woman in order to sell books at all is inappropriate. I mean didnt an author get in trouble for that recently? Like he purposefully chose a feminine/ambiguous penname and let people believe he was a woman in order to market his books better to women? Was is riley sager?

Oh look theres a whole article about this phenomena Why Men Pretend to be Woman to Sell Thrillers

But as you’ve said, YEAH it creeps me out the way he writes these books because unlike vca he seems to delight in the torment of these young female characters. His violence against them seems gratuitous and for shock value. There’s no empathy in it! And these are the MAIN characters whom the reader is meant to project onto. Like why do his books feel… dirty? Vca’s books felt melancholy and somber, you could tell she was writing from a place of understanding, fear and grief. Because her writing was REAL. The ghostwriter writes like he has a checklist he fills out called the “VC Andrews formula” lol

And i say this a lot but i feel the need to reiterate that i have no interest in attack this man’s character beyond his work, i dont know him or who he is outside of a writer. His family seems to love him and hes been with his wife a long time… though i will say in an interviewed they revealed he was a high school teacher and she was student at his school when they started dating 🥴 that gave me a bit or a surprise lol but it was a different time i guess

But on the topic of VCA’s unfinished books: that was all a lie. She never had any unfinished manuscripts lying around in which the ghostwriter finished. Even Garden of Shadows was entirely written by the GW. The publisher only pushed out that lie to make it easier to sell the knockoff books. And i DO like some of them, like the Landry and Cutler series. But VCA didnt have a hand in them at all. Most people still don’t know this because the publisher would prefer people just keep believing she had a closet full of 500 books they just keep pulling from lol

It bugs me too, i wish the publisher would be more honest, like at least stop putting “from the author of flowers in the attic” on ghostwritten books. Its deceptive and scummy. Thats why i try to spread the word, though i know i sound like a broken record. I just think this incredible woman, vca, deserved better.

[pinkblahaj]

rick riordan's female characters pt 2: aphrodite's children

during my reread of pjo, rick riordan's portrayals of aphrodite's children was what made me first realize that his writing of teen girls might be problematic. it does make sense considering the demonization of femininity that used to be so popular, but it is valid to still be bothered by it. i have thoughts on how cabin 10 is described overall, as well as the specific characters.

cabin 10

in the earlier books, rick made the aphrodite cabin way too one-dimensional. yes, the goddess aphrodite is known for her vain and shallow personality, and yes, the other campers tend to possess well-known traits of their godly parents (ares' children are aggressive, hermes' children are tricksters, nike's children are competitive, etc.). but the way that aphrodite's children were portrayed as especially weak, preferring to look at their reflections and gossip rather than play capture the flag, did feel blatantly sexist to me. like of course because their mom is the most stereotypically feminine of the gods, they have the least battle skills.

at the beginning of HoO i thought rick might be atoning for some of these flaws. it was interesting that piper, a character who explicitly rejects traditional standards for femininity and beauty, turned out to be a child of aphrodite. but then her siblings were still very stereotypical and their cabin literally made her "gag". i found it unnecessary that rick specified in the lost hero that most of the cabin were girls. sure, it makes sense that aphrodite would want to have more daughters than sons, but that combined with the fact that they lack the skills of other demigods just doesn't look good. i liked that rick mentioned that despite her reputation, aphrodite was a war goddess and the oldest of the olympians, but i was disappointed that he continued to stereotype her children so harshly.

silena

i don't have many criticisms of this character, other than her being described as one of the few nice campers from cabin 10. i really liked that she valued love and kindness, which more of the aphrodite campers should have been like imo. although aphrodite and her children have a generally shallow reputation in the original pjo series, i appreciate the impact that silena had on the series and the way that she showed that aphrodite's children can still have bravery and strength.

i do wish that more attention is paid to how luke manipulated/groomed her and others (which i've been seeing the pjo fandom do more now, fortunately), as this is a big reason why i can't see him as a redeemable character.

drew

call me delusional but i am a proud drew tanaka defender. yes, silena was manipulated by luke and she sacrificed herself heroically. but she still betrayed camp half-blood and is part of the reason why several of them, including charles, died. drew likely looked up to silena and felt this betrayal extremely severely, and her bitterness is justified. i just don't believe that she became mean for no reason.

because rick is clearly capable of writing his characters with more depth, it's so disappointing that he put so little thought into drew. clarisse was a bully, but she is revealed to be under severe pressure from her dad and later becomes friends with percy. luke is a main antagonist but evokes sympathy from many readers. even octavian, who was unlikable from beginning to end, was suffering mentally and enabled by apollo, and thus didn't deserve all the blame. yes, some people are truly horrible for no good reason, but with all the trauma that the pjo characters go through, there was likely a much better explanation for why drew is the way she is. i hate that he just made her the most archetypal mean girl who immediately hates the female lead because they are interested in the same guy. (side note: it's funny that the only other living female asian character in pjo/hoo i can think of is annabeth's stepmom, who i do NOT claim)

piper

this character seems to be quite controversial, but i honestly was not as bothered by piper as i thought i would be upon rereading. her "not like other girls" phase lasts pretty much only one book... and it's realistic for teenagers to have cringey phase. since i do have a problem with the larger context of how rick wrote aphrodite's children, i do see why some are more bothered by it, bc rick portrays piper as better than her more feminine siblings. in this aspect, i do think piper had some lost potential. i think it's great that we have characters like piper and frank who aren't pure stereotypes based on their godly parents and who have to learn to embrace that side of them. but i wish we would have seen piper realize that being feminine does not mean you are stuck up and that she possibly had internalized misogyny. i really like the interpretation that her identities of being indigenous and queer affected her relationship with femininity and gender expression, but i doubt rick himself actually thought that deep into it. however, i've only read the first two books of toa, so there may be parts of her character i am missing.

i remember finding piper and jason to be boring characters during my first read of hoo, but after rereading, i think they are good characters who were placed in an extremely bland relationship. i personally am a subscriber to the lesbian piper + gay jason headcanon, as hera manipulating them into a relationship feels a lot like comphet. but i don't find their relationship unrealistic either. i feel like our standards were raised pretty high by percabeth, a relationship based on an actual friendship between two people who knew and loved each other deeply. but it's also normal for teenagers to get together quickly without knowing whether they are compatible. also, considering how short the expected lifespan of demigods are, it makes sense that we see couples like jiper and frazel who start dating less than a year after meeting. i also was never that bothered by piper being "obsessed" with jason... the other hoo couples tended to do that too, and her mother is the goddess of love.

piper's charmspeak was an interesting power, but i don't think it was super well thought out. obviously, there are some ethical questions about her using it on people, including her own friends, that are never answered-- especially because sometimes piper doesn't even realize she's using it. also, i found it hard to believe that in the lost hero she was already able to use it on gaea. i enjoyed the moments where we saw her other skills and would have liked to see more of them. her emotional intelligence (as seen in the way she helps annabeth defeat mimas) was underutilized and could have been a great staple for all of aphrodite's children.

[ineffectualdemon]

No it's not immediately obviously transgressive for a cis woman to wear make up or dresses

It's not immediately obviously transgressive for a cis woman to wear clothing that reads as conventionally attractive

But I think what people are missing is that it is transgressive for a cis woman do these things without shame

Women and girls are not allowed to enjoy things

Nope not even the things they are "supposed" to like

Fuck women can't even get a latte with some fucking spices in without people crawling out of the woodwork to call them "basic" and "stupid"

If a woman dresses one way she's a bimbo airheaded slut

If she dresses another way she's a frigid bitch

Another way - a vain snob

Another way - an ugly slob

Etc

Women can never win

And if they truly take joy in what they wear or look like they are either "vapid and shallow" or a "don't have any self respect"

Women

Can't

Win

The patriarchy thrives on women hating themselves and tearing themselves and other women down by judging every single fucking thing to do, say, wear, or like

And it effects men and masculine people too. Because you feel if you're going to be masc you have to go all in and reject anything that would put in the same club as "those kind" of women

I experienced it. In my teens I was "not like other girls" in that I wasn't actually a girl and didn't know it yet

But I felt like I had to hard core reject femininity (or the "wrong kind" of feminity) and avoid pink and fluffy and cute things because it was "too stereotypically girly"

And that was a fucking shame

Because I like those things

I also like things that are stereotypically masculine

And it's fine for me to like both and wear pink fluffy things and have cute things and like the colour pink and not shave my legs and wear boxer briefs

Girls and characters who are unapologetically enthusiastically proud of things that are "girly" has done wonders for my perception of these things and to be able to find joy and avoid narrowing myself into one or the other when it comes to gender expression

And the girls who really are doing it for their own selves?

For their own benefit?

Because it makes them happy?

Shitty men hate them

It makes the shitty men deeply uncomfortable because it's so obvious it's not for them

So no

Being a cis women and wearing clothes that society deems as "for women" isn't transgressive on its own. But it can be transgressive in the right hands

And either way telling a woman that she doesn't really like make up or whatever and that she's just being brainwashed by the patriarchy is pretty condescending and infantalising

It's also not going to help

Also women who really allow themselves to like things that are stereotypically "girly" without shame can be some of the biggest cheerleaders for women who really allow themselves and take joy in things that are stereotypically "for guys" or are somewhere in between

If you are advocating for a world where women don't have to shave or wear make up you have to square it with the knowledge that some women are gonna wanna do those things. But also that there is personal power in someone doing it because they like how it looks rather than because they're afraid of judgement

Idk I just think sneering at women who talk about how they dress for themselves not men and calling them liars is misogynistic

The goal imo should be that how you decorate your meatsuit comes be down to what brings you joy and makes you feel confident in your own skin regardless of gender or what others think

And if you try to put up caveats that are "but you can't do anything that is society deems as being for your assigned gender" then that hamstrings that goal at the gates

Idk I just hate that women are never allowed to like anything without someone coming along and telling them that they're doing it wrong

[amberlin1]

Including PCOS having people is a dividing issue for the intersex community apparently

I am AFAB. I quite like having tits and a vagina. I have hirsutism and zero periods without a bcp, and a body that felt like it betrayed me for a longass time. In my teens and 20s i had a lot of gender dysphoria, which felt really strange and uncomfortable to me, to be feeling the same thing mtf trans people were feeling (they were the only type of trans people in the media that i was exposed to)

I realised, when i realised i was bi, a lot of my identity issues went away almost immediately. It became a who-cares deal for me 20 min after me realising im queer. It's strange to say that it was freeing for me, after being raised new testament pentecostal, where i didnt actively feel like i was hiding. Religiously i didnt feel it, but it did overlap into the social aspect, where i felt it through sex, gender identity ,and gender expression.

PCOS made it so i never had a period for long stretches of time, until eventually without a bcp, i'd never have one. At one point, i'd go for 9 months without a period. I went for an x-ray and had to tell the tech when my last period was. 9 months. And i'm wearing the uniform for a prestigious secondary school. (I wasn't pregnant, i just have a shit body)

I largely kept to myself and never made additional connections with people, and romance was out of my head (for a lot of reasons, but this was one). i hated to show my face anywhere (difficult). I tried so hard to be feminine like i was as a child, and when i saw i couldnt i went the other direction. It was exhausting. I stopped. But i still kept largely to myself. But i kept trying to overcorrect this mistake. Im not a trans woman, i'm cis, so why do i feel like this? Why is this the way i feel? Why do i look like this?

I remember my mother asking me why i need to have birth control if im not having sex, and i'm not going to, cuz i don't have a bf. I told i feel like i need to to feel like a woman. She laughed at me. That was a stupid reason and it's a waste of time. I left it alone after that. For the rest of my 20s the same questions kept coming up, along with my (weak) rebuttal. I'm not trans, i'm cis. I just have a shit uterus.

In 2020 during lockdown, with no customer service work, and a lot of time on queer tiktok, i finally brought back up the question of my sex and gender identity and expression.

I remember a tiktok user saying they see themselves as intersex because of their pcos diagnosis. Its been like 4 years so details are lost, but from what i remember, because hormonally their body doesn't do what afab bodies are expected to do, they consider themself intersex. I played around with the idea but intersex as a label isn't mine.

I'm still consider myself pretty femme. In tastes and expression. But. There is a BUT.

As i say, I don't consider myself intersex. For physical or hormonal traits that i have. I don't think the label fits for me at all. It may for some people. That's okay, and i'm happy there are people in the intersex community accepting and welcoming PCOS havers with them.

I mentioned a BUT.

I can't see myself as intersex or trans.

I do like my default body.

I sometimes feel like i can have more. Not different parts, additional parts. But not all the time. Just sometimes.

I'm girl, I'm more than girl, i'm less than girl. I am nowhere boy. I can't fully take the trans label. Like, i can, conceivably, it's alright. But no. Not mine.

By definition, genderflux. It's a dimmer switch and for the most part i'm happy in the middle with a circumstantial need in either direction.

By the way it feels in my mouth, Genderfluid sounds better.

By vibes though, i'm sticking with genderqueer. I know what i am, i just can't describe it to myself, leastways to the world.

You don't have to think of yourself as intersex just because you have PCOS. But if you do, i'm grateful to the community that accepts you. At the end of the day, the human body is a strange thing. You may share situations or symptoms with somebody. Remember nothing is a unique experience, no matter how it feels. It's nice to have a community for support.

Just. Be kind.

We're all kinds of fucked up. That's why we're together.