#had to get him with his fave nephew uncle whatever lol

[cerealmonster15]

oh shit my taylor doodles

[quincette]

Kojuro and Wisteria

A spoiler post of Kojuro's Sequel story

So I finished Kojuro's second act story in 3 days and have since rereading the screenshots hahhahahahahah. I chose the fate/noble ending because I want to read his point of view ...

Boy it was so good! I mean I could be biased (SCRATCH THAT I AM INCREDIBLY BIASED WHEN IT COMES TO THIS MAN) and I do have minor quips about it but I enjoyed it sooooo much!

I’ve squeed about Hideyoshi and how much this story improve his rank in my fave list (lol, lol, lol), you can see them here. 

Okay, so.

One of the important character is Kojuro story is a plant, lol.

More specifically, Wisteria, which intertwines (ha) closely with the plot.

And I’m gonna tell my journey reading his story by following up this plant, lol.

More squealing after the break and it is full of spoilers, you've been warned!

Also, anon hater(s). I do not post summaries or spoilers because I want to spoil the experience for everybody - it’s because I want to share MY journey (yes, the key word is my ME, this blog is mainly about me, surprise surprise) in this game, the same reason I started posting SLBP stuff on this blog ever since I started playing early last year (you know, BEFORE you knew of this game because you didn’t start sending me this kind of hate till recently). Get off your high horse or ride away to the sunset, look for your own happiness!

Okay, so what I love about Kojuro’s Second Act is it has got a continuity with his first act. What I don’t love so much is in some aspect, it kind feels repetitive - like, haven’t Kojuro and MC go down this road before - why hasn’t they learn anything - I mean romance tropes work for a reason but we got bored with the same formula, Voltage, try twist things up more cleverly!

But that being said I LOVE IT that the drama doesn’t feel contrived and it stemmed from an actual historical event and everything MAKES SENSE *casually side-eyeing Nobu’s Second Act Divine Ending*.

At the start of the story when they were about to move to Shiroishi they were enjoying the wisteria at Yonezawa. Kojuro remarked that when the wisteria blooms again next year, Oshu will be a better and more peaceful place.

At this point, MC has two choices to respond (lol).

A. she would enjoy wisteria viewing with Kojuro anywhere.

B. She would like to plant wisteria in Shiroishi castle too.

(choose A if you want the points)

When they moved to Shiroishi, Kojuro took a pot of wisteria with them - this wisteria is cut from the wisteria tree in Yonezawa, with the intent to plant it in Shiroishi. So the two castle will be related, geddit??? AWWWWWWW.

In the aftermath of Soma-Hideyoshi’s multiple attacks on Kozakura and Shiroishi, Kojuro holed himself in his study for days. One night MC was awakened from her sleep by the sound of him entering their chambers (they were married at this point). 

Kojuro apologises for waking her up. Upon this, MC has two choices to respond:

A) You should get some rest, Milord.

B) Shall we sleep together?

(Choose A if you want the points because Voltage just loves to punish ‘selfish’ (and thirsty) MCs. I CHOSE B OF COURSE EVEN WHEN I KNEW IT TO BE WRONG FROM VOLTAGE STANDARD (and Kojuro responded with “As tempting as that may sound, my Precious Girl, we need to talk). Also, it could very well have been an innocent offer, like we can just share some sleep, can’t we??? Whose head’s in the gutter now, Voltage?)

After a brief fluffy moment Kojuro asked her to go to Kyoto, because it was not safe for her to be there and he had his plate full of defending the Date clan and that he was needed in Yonezawa, he couldn’t leave her alone undefended in Shiroishi. 

(Okay but I yelled this at this point, like MC, you knew something is going on with your hubby!!! KOJURO WHY JUST STASH HER IN YONEZAWA OR SOMETHING! ALSO SCREW YOU SHE IS CAPABLE OF BEING THE LADY OF THE CASTLE)

He tousled her hair and remarked that it has grown (this is following Kojuro’s first act so here MC’s hair was shorter because her hair’d been cut off by Satake Yoshishige when he held her hostage - LOVE THIS CONTINUITY)

MC could see something was not quite right and told him that she’d be happy anywhere as long as it’s with him. Kojuro said he knew that but he had vowed to keep her safe, also he thought she’d be happy to spend some time with her mum, because they hadn’t seen each other since the wedding. 

(Milord, don’t you dare twist this as such.)

MC smiled and conceded (DUN DUN DUUUUN)

Cut to a scene in Yonezawa, where Kojuro presented the full report on the battle in Kozakura and Shiroishi.

“Anywhere we look, people are submitting to Toyotomi. If we insist on opposing him, Oshu will be once again a land of war.”

Kojuro got a flack from the retainers for looking like he was implying that submitting to Hideyoshi was an option. Even Shigezane was skeptical.

Masamune kept quiet.

Later MC’s tranquil days in Kyoto were ended by Shigezane’s visit. He looks relieved when he saw her. 

“Thank god, you’re here. Where’s Kojuro?”

(DUN DUN DUUUN)

“Eh, Milord is... supposed to be at Yonezawa...?”

(DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN)

Shigezane realised something was very very wrong.

“Kojuro is missing. You should come with me to Yonezawa.”

So off they go to Masamune. Shigezane was mighty worried that Kojuro has disappeared. MC too. But Masamune has just received a letter. From Hideyoshi.

The letter said that Hideyoshi has accepted the service of Kojuro, who declared himself his retainer, unattached and unmarried with no family.

(DUN DUUUN DUUUUNNN NOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE!)

MC felt like her world turned dark. So many questions. Where was Kojuro, was he being held against his will, and why did the letter declare him as having no family, no wife?

Shigezane was so upset he went away to investigate the situation.

MC stayed at Yonezawa on Masamune’s behest. But rumours of Kojuro’s apparent treachery had the retainers restless, and it got to her.

One day at the hall, the retainers demanded she being arrested and interrogated.

Upon which Masamune released his signature brand of cold anger.

“And what of it? What she got to do with this?”

The retainers fell silent.”

“She is nothing to Kojuro. She came here as my poison taster. She became Kojuro’s retainer. Kojuro is my retainer. She is my retainer first.”

That saves MC but also broke her heart.

For her safety she lives in a safe house somewhere in the vicinity of the castle. 

Shigezane came to visit, bringing with him a basket of maru-maru (”round-round”) kakki - big, round persimmons, to cheer her up. Upon receiving this MC two options when Shigezane finished making small talks (was she bored? No, Masamune lent her a lot of books, etc - so cute! but also, still sad...):

A) Is that so....

B) I am happy.

(Because Voltage likes their MC putting a brave face so as not to “inconvenient” people with their true feelings, choose B if you want the points).

Shigezane saw through her pain and didn’t press. 

Next came Masamune, who apologized.

“I am sorry I had to say those things in front of them. That must hurt you.”

It did hurt MC. She kept replaying the words over and over again inside her head. Her marriage with Kojuro was a small affair known only to few, Masamune and Shigezane included. If they were to deny that, if Kojuro were to deny that, then was it all in her imagination, like it never happened?

MC knew that Masamune didn’t mean that though and upon seeing how forlorn Masamune looked, she realised that she was not the only one who was missing Kojuro. There was Masamune, and Shigezane too.

Again upon hearing Masamune’s confession, MC had two options to respond:

A) Please don’t apologise.

B) I am saddened, but I understand.

(yes, choose A for the points because Voltage only gives brownie points for not inconveniencing the hero with your true feelings, I just roll my eyes at this point, these “options” are Voltage’s chronic problem, or maybe it showed how the Japanese people unhealthy expectation/idealisation of women.)

Masamune came to ask MC to come with him to Shiroishi to tidy things up. Ad the castle is now masterless. It will be given to Masamune’s uncle, Rusu Masakage (who, along with his son Daitoshimaru, has shown up in SLBP more than once, hahahahh he deserves a hot sprite, Voltage!).

MC dreaded coming back to a place which held so much happiness and promises between her and Kojuro as a couple, but she steeled herself and said yes.

It was painful for her. Seeing her former home without his husband. She entered her bedchamber and reliving the moment Kojuro came to her that night, and all the memories. She sat on the floor and cried because everything hurts, and their stuffs, the wedding present from Yahiko (a couple’s promise books are still there).

She took the book with her and nothing else. She left the room thinking that maybe it was the last time. Has Kojuro truly abandoned her?

She went to the garden for some air and he realised something is missing...

The pot of wisteria sapling they brought over from Yonezawa. It wasn’t there.

Kojuro must have taken it with him.

Hope sprang in her chest. And still full of questions and burning with hope she dried her eyes and went over to Masamune and prostrated herself before him as his retainer and begged him to allow her to go to Kojuro to Osaka.

Okay, but my burning question in all this delicious angsty drama is, where is Bontenmaru the turtle? Why did everyone forget about the hapless turtle? I hope he’s happy somewhere!

Masamune was hesitant. Has she thought it over? She was his retainer too, does she really want to go there to find Kojuro, not knowing what will happen?

Then Kagechika dropped in, still injured but on his way to recovery and he questioned her.

“Are you prepared to never set foot in Oshu again, whatever happened, if you leave to pursue my nephew?”

“Yes.” MC is adamant.

“Why?”

Now MC got two choices.

A) Because I want to see Kojuro-sama.

B) Because I am Kojuro-sama’s wife.

and I fist pumped for once in a long time when Voltage gave me brownie points for picking B. I think Kojuro’s story is always themed around Devotion, his to Masamune more specifically. And now that spilled over to MC’s devotion as his wedded wife, to him. I can appreciate this.

Kagechika laughed and then with some effort, he prostrated himself before Masamune too, begging him on MC’s behalf.

“Masamune-sama, please let her go to Osaka to chase my selfish nephew.”

“.... Very well. You are leaving tonight.”

Before leaving, Masamune gave MC a message only for Kojuro’s ear.

“Tell him,< if that’s what you intend to do then I will protect you on the event of your return>.”

(LET ME UGLY SOB OVER THE BEAUTIFUL BOND THESE OSHU BOYS SHARE)

Okay, I didn’t expect MC to just showed up at Osaka Castle’s gate and demand to see Kojuro because she is his wife. But of course that is exactly what she did. 

The soldiers laughed at her. But then MITSUNARI appeared, yay! And after staring MC down (though she met his eyes dead on) he went back to fetch... HIDEYOSHI himself.

MC had seen Hide’s face behind the screen, first in Yonezawa and again in Shiroishi so she was so surprised.

And HIde was so nice! And full of smiles! and he guided her inside the castle while making small talks! 

(I WAS LIKE NO NO NO NO YOU SMILEY BASTARD, NOOOOO)

Then of course he led her into an empty room and then told her to stay there.

“Where is Kojuro-sama?”

“Hm? He’s away on business. You will stay here.”

“!”

“If you are indeed Kojuro-san’s wife, I cannot afford to be careless with you. Stay here and ask Mitsunari if you require anything.”

Yis, MC is under arrest. She was treated nicely, maids came to feed and clean her room, but Mitsunari never granted her wish to talk to Hideyoshi again (Hideyoshi has no time for you!), and she’s getting so frustrated she resolved to escape when the maid was distracted one day.

Osaka castle was huge and she got lost and then she bumped into Kyouichiro aka Goemon aka that Robin Hood-type nukenin (runaway ninja) introduced to tenka player in Tenka Tsuki. 

MC thought he was one of Hide’s retainers.

“I’ve never seen your face before.”

“I’m new,” MC decided to fake nonchalance. “Hideyoshi-sama summoned me but I got lost. can you show the way?”

But before he could she heard a commotion from her pursuers and when she looked over, Gemon had vanished (lol, because he is a dorobo-san, MC!).

She ran and get caught but then she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

it was Kojuro.

(I SCREAMED AND I SCREAMED)

... and there was Hideyoshi there with him.

Kojuro’s momentary shock was immediately replaced by a stern look.

“Oh, you found her.” (no, she found him, you monkey bastard). “Now, Kojuro, this ojousan claimed to be your wife and I was surprised because you said you had none.”

“She is,” Kojuro said without hesitation, “my page.”

MC felt as if she’d been stabbed.

“Oh?”

“Would you care to hear the explanation from my own mouth?”

“Please,” Hideyoshi smiled (I wanna murder him).

So they went to this really beautiful hall in the Osaka castle. MC wa supset and shocked and in a trance. Kojuro told their story, the real history of how she became his page, and that’s it. No stories of how they became lovers and such. She was holding on to the hope that he did this to protect them (of course!) but she tried to catch Kojuro’s eyes but he refused to look at her.

“Ah so that’s the story. Your retainer loves you so much and decided to follow you here. That does sound like you.”

MC was internally screaming.

“They why don’t you stay in Kojuro’s residence?”

Kojuro was shocked.

“I gave you servants true. But since you’re page is here, it makes sense, no?”

Kojuro conceded and MC was taken to his residence in Osaka. She was still in shock and tried to make sense of everything. Replaying the scene of Kojuro saying that she was his page (and nothing more) over and over again.

She refused to think the worse but she did think about what’s going to happen is Kojuro denied her. What’s going to happen now that she’s left Oshu?

Later that night, she heard the door opened and she sled from her room, clutching the promised book like it was her life. She saw Kojuro across the hall. 

(This scene was devastating because SO MUCH, SO MUCH baggage was conveyed but nothing was explained and she didn’t know where to start)

Then Kojuro passed her by and went to his room. MC grabbed his sleeve and begged to talk but he coldly dismissed her saying that he wanted to rest.

MC stood in front of his door, feeling utterly devasvated.

(can I mentioned that this chapter titled Lies and it killed meeee)

“So Kojuro-sama does not want anything to do with me anymore?”

There was no sound coming from inside, but then.

“Yes...”

Another stab to MC’s heart.

“That promise we made, was it a lie?”

“....”

“The promise to make me happy the promise to wipe my tears away that you made to my mother, was it a lie?”

“Yes.”

This happened for a few rounds, MC asking him all the sweet promises they made as lovers and IT WAS PAINFUL. STAB STAB STAB STAB, SOB SOB SOB, until, when MC thought she had no strength left anymore, Kojuro slid the door open and pulled her in and crush her in his embrace.

“Why did you come?”

“Why did you have to come?”

“Stop it.”

“Don’t say anything anymore.”

She tried to break free to look him into his eyes because in her hearts of hearts she couldn’t believe all this and she needed to catch if he’s lying but he refused to let her go. So she cried and cried.

Nothing was resolved that night. After MC was done crying he told her to get some rest. MC was screaming internally because she didn’t want to part with him, yet. She wanted to know the truth but, she was exhausted so she went.

In the morning she made him breakfast and they ate together. They didn’t talk about what happened but MC, seeing how Kojuro enjoyed her food, resolve to let things be and just... be with him.

(Okay, I was immensely frustrated but understand her at the same time. It’s like in real life marriage post fight you’re both drained and just want to share a quiet moment of truce, if not peace, together because fight is ugly but you love each other and mutually decide to deal with the elephant in the room later)

Her duty as his page in Osaka began in the morning. She tailed Kojuro the training hall and ferried messages between Kojuro and MItsunari (and met Kiyomasa in Mitsunari’s study hahahahah)

She saw how there was still an awkwardness between the Toyotomi retainers and Kojuro and but Kojuro took it in strides and there was an obvious admiration and budding camaraderie... that makes her sad because it seemed like Kojuro had forgotten all about Oshu and made Osaka his home.

She went home earlier while Kojuro was staying at Yonezawa. Alone with her thoughts, she’s going crazy so she started cleaning and sweeping the garden.

And there she found.

That potted wisteria sapling. That same one missing from Shiroishi.

(I SCREAMED AND I SCREAMED AND I SCREAMED)

It was wilting and MC immediately took it to care for the plant.

Their life regressed back to that of lord and page. But MC was holding out hope, and waiting for the right moment to tell Masamune’s message to Kojuro. And the wisteria sapling’s growing strong.

One day Kojuro caught her caring for it and his face said it all. 

“I apologize for taking the matter into my own hands.”

“Don’t... I suspect as much... with the soil being damp all the time.”

Then conversations fows. Kojuro didn’t say much but MC said her guesses based on her observation and deduction Until Kojuro revealed to her that yes, he did it because he saw no other way and to buy time for the Date clan.

Mc was glad and then she conveyed Masamune’s message. Kojuro’s face lit up with a smile.

With Hideyoshi getting Kojuro, his army retreated back to the west to take care of the flooding problem and rebellion in the area. But with Kojuro working on it they’re almost done and soon they’d set sight on Oshu again and Masamune will need to make a decision.

Upon hearing this decision MC has two choices.

A) I’m sorry for tampering with your strategy.

B) I am glad to hear the explanation.

I WAS READY TO RANT IF VOLTAGE FAVOURS A BUT THANK GOD I CHOSE B THAT WAS THE POINT ANSWER, HUFF. 

Kojuro apologised and told her that he should have told her, at least. but it needs to be convincing. (YA THINK??? YA NINNY! HUFFFF!)

Next MC witnessed a grand meeting where Hideyoshi is prepared to conquer teh East now that West is free from flooding.

Kojuro begged Hideyoshi to send Masamune another letter.

Kanbei (helloooooo) was skeptical of Kojuro’s request. But Hide defended him and decided to give Masamune another chance.

“But it will be the last.”

And while they’re sending the letter, they’re to march East. Kojuro would have to come too.

He decided to send MC to Kyoto again. (AGAIN???? I threw my phone) But this time is different. He looked at her in the eyes. He’d go to this campaign intending to convince Masamune not to go to war. He could be killed by, theoretically, both camps

and told her to take the potted wisteria (LOL, HAHHAHAHAHHA, THAT WISTERIA NEEDS A NAME BONTENMARUUUUUUU).

MC conceded and they parted ways. Kojuro to Oshu with the Toyotomi army and MC to Kyoto.

On the road though, MC encounters Goemon (again!) in his fancy heist outfit. She thought Hideyoshi sent him and ran away from him. He gave a chase but before anything happened or explained, a ninja came to her aid.

GENYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhh

(I SQUEED, THANK OTOME GODS KOJURO’S SEQUEL CAME OUT AFTER TSUKI IS RELEASED SO WE CAN HAVE THESE CHARAS THERE)

Genya fought Goemon for a bit before latter just decided it’s not worth it and bailed. Lol, I think the whole thing was just a misunderstanding and he just wanted to go to Osaka to rob some stuff anyway.

“Who are you?”

“Kojuro-san hired me to see you safe in Kyoto.”

But MC had another thought. She thought Goemon was sent by Hideyoshi and if Hideyoshi sent someone to get her then it must be because he didn’t trust Kojuro. She feared for him and asked Genya to take her to Kojuro in the frontline.

Genya refused ( Mendokusaaaa~~~i) but MC promised him a greater reward if he did it and anyway he wouldn’t get paid if either of them dead. So Genya took her to Kojuro.

(this part is the Noble end part from Kojuro’s POV)

He was sneaking out Toyotomi’s camp because they ave not heard from Masamune and Kojuro has exhausted all excuses to buy time so he planned to convince Masamune directly.

But he got caught.

Hideyoshi said he was disappointed with him because afterall, they were different.

“It is too unbearable for you to sever your ties with your former lord afterall.”

Kojuro kneeled and beg his leave to go to Masamune’s camp to convince him to come to Toyotomi’s fold because neither of them wanted this bloodshed, which will cost both sides dearly.

“And what makes you think they would listen to a word from a traitor’s mouth?”

When it looked like they were going to harm Kojuro. MC came galloping to the scene and thew herself in front of Kojuro.

She made an impassioned speech about Kojuro’s loyalty. And something shifted in HIdeyoshi’s face, but still...

“What guarantee is there that you would not just go there to defect back? There is no guarantee for your word nor your action.”

Upon which Kojuro looked at MC and they came to an unspoken understanding.

Then Kojuro revealed that MC had been his wife all along. And that she should serve as a willing hostage.

“If we deceived you before then let this be our apology.”

Hideyoshi was stunned... but then he decided to gamble ahead. The Date would likely have Kojuro killed for treason and that would be a shame but since he insisted then very well. MC would stay as a hostage and he would endeavor to bring Oshu to his cause.

(Okay but thought this mess MC was carrying a potted wisteria plant, lol, it’s their baby!)

Okay, I’ll leave the Oshuboys reunion part out because you need to experience that from Kojuro’s point of view (AAAHHHHHHHH THESE BOYS AND THEIR BOND)

long story short, blooshed averted.

But Kojuro didn’t come back to Oshu,

He decided to stay in Osaka and serves Oshu’s interest there, with MC.

The scene ended in their home in Osaka. Kojuro came home drenched because it was raining and MC toweled him dry and berating him and he just smiled happily and MC asked, what’s wrong because he has this look.

He said nothing.

While thinking, I truly love you, my precious girl.

And the potted wisteria grows happily in the garden~~~~

tagging my sisterwives @viridian99  @foreverendevor  @shokundayo

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E1

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 U (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! If you’re not a GoT-watcher or you just need a review, check out my pre-season-6-GoT primer here or you can just check out the review/recap of the last ep of season 6 here

It’s GoT season 7 y’all- WHO’S EXCITED?

As always, spoiler alert. Also, I’m introducing a new segment of this blog called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher when some seemingly unimportant or otherwise boring scenes actually do kind of matter. So watch for that. Now let’s get into it! 

Over in Frey-ville/ Riverlands...

So we open on Walder Frey (aka Argus Filch from Harry Potter) giving a toast to a bunch of his people, all of whom have to wear inexplicably weird hats that seem to serve no purpose. Off the bat we know something is up because Arya Stark, fresh from the face-swapping-assassin-training academy, definitely killed Filch in the last ep of season 6. He’s gathered up all of his hat-wearing friends and family and is like hey guys, here’s some NOT POISONED wine let’s have a toast. It’s pretty obvious it’s Arya doing a really good impersonation of Filch/ wearing his face, especially when he doesn’t even pretend to take a sip of his wine. He’s all, hey remember when we killed all those Stark people, especially the mom and the hottie son, Robb and his preggers wife? That was fun, right? And all the poisoned guys are like yep murder is fun you are correct. Then he’s like too bad you didn’t kill all the Starks cuz one is still alive and…. It’s ME BITCHES. 

And she rips off Filches’ face/body and is like SURPRISE! And because this is the season of the woman, she doesn’t let any of the poor servant girls (who were like 15 years old and all forced to marry Filch) drink any of wine but she’s like, I know this is confusing, because I was just wearing the face and body of your former husband but it’s me, a fellow 15-year old girl and please tell everyone THE NORTH REMEMBERS. (If you’ll recall the Stark fam is from the North and a bunch of them died at the red wedding which was FOREVER AGO)

Later in the ep, we catch up with Arya who is riding around on a horse like a boss when she happens upon ED SHEERAN. SERIOUSLY ED SHEERAN IS IN THIS EPISODE WHY? I DON’T KNOW. And he’s singing a song with some soldier bros, duh. And I guess they’re from the Lannister army (if you’ll recall the Lannisters are the incest twins) because they’re wearing their colors and they’re like ugh King’s Landing (where Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC is currently ruling after blowing up most of the city) is the worst. And Arya is like umm ya it sucks, last time I was there I saw my dad get his head chopped off, BUMMER. She doesn’t say that actually but she does listen to them talk about how they wished they were home with their family instead of fighting for QPC. 

WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER (WDTSEM)? This scene is pretty clearly a setup to get Arya to consider meeting up with her bro (well actually uncle) and sis in Winterfell rather than her current single-minded pursuit of killing QPC. Anyway, the strangest thing about this scene is that one of the bros is like ya my mom always said to be kind to others and they’ll be kind to you and also none of the bros say anything murder-y or even slightly assault-y for that matter toward this young girl traveling alone WHAT SHOW IS THIS? On any other season of GoT this scene would have been a literal bloodbath.

Sidenote: when the opening credits run we FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER only see Westeros rather than both sides of the globe (or is it a globe? Idk. g.r.r.r.r.r. Martin plz advise) cuz our Khween Khaleesi is no longer residing there.

Next, let’s check in up North with Bran and his pal Meera who recently narrowly escaped a zombie attack only to be rescued by his zombie-uncle.

Bran is having a vision, as he is wont to do, of the “Night King” (zombie leader guy) plus thousands of zombies marching toward the non-zombie world. Some of them are even zombie giants which is super spooky. He’s like let’s GTFO and get south of this giant ice wall so they coming a-knocking on the ice-wall-door which, if you’ll recall is manned by all those moody celibate dudes that Bae was briefly murdered by before coming back from the dead. Bae’s friend who is in charge now is like umm new phone who dis cuz IDK what “Brandon Stark” looks like but it’s probably not you. And he and his friend Meera are like we promise, we’re cool and they let them in.

WDTSEM? Bran and Meera’s next stop after passing through TSA security is probably to see his sis and bro at his home, Winterfell. Last time that poor boi was there he was paralyzed, briefly made leader, ousted, forced to watch the whole place burn down and then had to escape before he was killed. So needless to say he’ll be happy to see that it’s not only rebuilt and no longer a torture dungeon, but being ruled by his fam! AND he’s the only one who knows the truth about Bae the R+L=J theory so he needs to drop that bomb on erry’body that basically means that Bae is kind of a rightful ruler and also Khaleesi’s nephew?!?

Speaking of his home, let’s check in with Winterfell...

Bae (Jon Snow) is like wow being in charge is hard no wonder Obama turned gray lol-is-this-thing-on? And Sansa is like eye-roll and they have a little tiff in front of everyone which is EMBARRASSING. A few important things happen here: 

Bae tells everyone to dig for dragonglass cuz it’s the only way to kill the zombies. He’s like hey bois, gurls, gender-non-comforming-individuals, EVERYONE needs to get to work and dig and learn to fight

Everyone’s favorite pint-sized-ruler-of-Bear-Island, Lyanna Mormont, is all about that lyfe, as shown in gif above

Bae is like wow little kids are pretty good at being in charge so let’s put these other 2 lil’ squirts in charge over at their houses

Bae sends hottie-ginger-wildling-bae to guard part of the wall where the zombies are probably heading first. Goodbye ginger-bae. 

Sansa does not agree with the putting-kids-in-charge bit which is what they argue about but he does it anyway. They kind of makeup and then they talk about how Cersei (aka Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC) is in charge now and Sansa is like she cray but also a BAMF. 

Later we get a scene of Brienne, everyone’s fave lady-knight, training her squire how to fight and are reminded that ginger-bae has the hots for her. As Sansa watches this all play out, Littlefinger (ugh he is the WORST) comes over to tell Sansa for the 80th time that he loves her and wants to rule the world with her. And as she has done 80 times, she’s like NO THANKS DUDE. 

Speaking of Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) let’s check in on her over at King’s Landing…

QPC is ruling whatever is left of her people after she blew most of them up. She commissioned this giant map/painting on the ground and is stompin’ all around like she owns the place, which, to be fair, she does. Her twin bro/lover, Jamie, comes over and is like ummm… what’s the tea? Remember how our last living kid jumped out of a building and died last season… can we discuss? And she’s literally like yolo we gotta rule this place FOR US. And he’s like but we don’t have any heirs anymore, like who’s gonna take over after that you can’t #liveforever this ain’t the high school cafeteria in the film version of Fame. She’s like dontcha worry, I gotta plan.

So Theon’s crazy uncle shows up to see them. If you’ll recall last season, he killed his bro and then tried to become king of the wet-rock-pile by throwing up a bunch of sea water even though his niece, Theon’s sis, was totes supposed to become kween of her peeps. While he was performing his water-gagging-magic-trick, Theon and his sis ran away with a bunch of the peeps and all of the ships. Again, their entire island seemed to have about 20 people so WHO IS ON THOSE SHIPS? IDK. And he was like NBD I’ll make a bunch more ships AGAIN WHO IS BUILDING AND THEN RIDING ON THESE SHIPS IDK. So I guess the ships are built and people must be on them because they show up to QPC’s shores and she’s like whatup. Jamie is NOT HAVING IT mostly because he is jelly since Theon’s crazy uncle (TCU) is hittin on his sis. TCU manages to squeeze in a really sick burn when he’s like well at least I have 2 working hands (Jamie got one chopped off 3 seasons ago) and then he asks QPC to get with him. She’s like naw dawg so he’s like NBD I’ll be back with a “very special present” and heads off. They also banter about how his niece and nephew and Khaleesi and QPC’s other bro (Tyrion) have all teamed up and are headed that way.

WDTSEM? In the books, apparently TCU has some sort of magic horn that can call dragons? I think this might be the gift he’s going to get and bring back to QPC which would be CLUTCH because in the upcoming battle against Khaleesi, the ability to control those dragons would be really helpful.

Next, let’s see how Sam is doing over in “Oldtown” where all the maesters live...

If you’ll recall, Maesters are like doctors/librarians/historians, each of whom is assigned to either a place (like the ice wall) or a family, I guess (like the Starks). Sam wants to be one but he also is NAUGHTY and brought his gf and her bb with him (Maesters are also supposed to be celibate like the ice wall guys). He’s in maester-training-camp which includes a lot of diarrhea, apparently. He’s like cleaning bedpans, putting back library books, and doing autopsies on the reg. JIM BROADBENT aka Prof. Slughorn from HP aka Harold from Moulin Rouge shows up and is like DON’T GO IN THE RESTRICTED SECTION OF THE LIBRARY, SAM (flashes of Harry Potter, amirightladies?) so of course Sam does. He sneaks some books home and finds out that “Dragonstone” which is a castle near King’s Landing that Khaleesi is heading towards, is built on top of heaps of “dragonglass” (which, I mean, could have guessed) so he’s like I gotta tell Bae since I know bb boi is trying to stock up on that. Also, there’s a brief scene when Khaleesi’s friend who had the turning-to-stone-disease (Stoney) is like in a hospital where Sam is working and is pops his stone-hand out and is like IS SHE HERE YET? Aka Stoney wants to know if Khaleesi has made it to Dragonstone yet, which WAIT TIL THE END OF THE EPISODE, DUDE.

WDTSEM? Especially the scene with Jim Broadbent (JB) is important because he talks about how the ice wall has always held up after centuries of zombie attacks and how empires rise and fall and just like go with the flow, Sam. My guess is that they’re bringing up how strong the ice wall is and how unlikely a zombie-attack really is because this is something that may actually happen now so we can really grasp how high the stakes are nowadays.

Before we get to Khaleesi, we have to check in on “The Hound” who’s walking around with those fire-worshipping dudes these days…

Is it just me or is man-bun guy kinda hot? So he and “The Hound” come across this farm house which the Hound is having some guilt about b/c last time he was in the hood he killed the girl and her dad who lived there. They find their bodies and everyone is like IDK who killed them but ugh… that’s life. And then the fire-worshipper-guys are like here look at this fire and remember the Hound hates fire because he got half of his face burned off as a kid. But he does look at the fire and has like a premonition of zombies going around the ice wall and attacking all the living people. Then he and hottie man bun bury the dead girl and her dad outside because the Hound feels #guilty for killing them I guess?

WDTSEM? Well the Hound used to be really murder-y but then he was saved by Ian McShane and his group of like Amish people (much like Harrison Ford in the film Witness) and decided to renounce violence. He used to work for QPC’s family and then kind of kidnapped Arya but also was not the worst to her (or to her sister for that matter) so if shit’s going down he could potentially be on the Stark side of things now. 

Lastly, we check in with everyone’s fave kween and co, Khaleesi, who rolls up on Dragonstone with all her pals…

She hasn’t been to this side of the world since she was a wee babe so when she steps foot on the sand, she’s like give me a minute y’all. Then she walks into the castle and looks at the throne, which is NOT made of a bunch of swords but rather a slab of rock and is still pretty baller and walks right past it to head to the room with the giant map on it. Previously, Stannis and his friends lived there including sweet ole’ no-knuckles who is currently #teambae and he spent a lot of time strategizing and having sex with witches to produce demon babies on that table. Khaleesi looks around and then is like, let’s get it started in here #blackeyedpeas.  

WDTSEM? Well, duh, cuz Khaleesi is in it and she is basically the Beyonce of GoT. But also because she has had this single-minded pursuit on the iron throne (chair made of swords where QPC is currently sitting) so you’d think she’d like take a minute to sit on this rock-slab-throne and savor the moment, but she (unlike QPC) knows that a true kween not only sits there, but also gets shit done. And I think this scene is supposed to contrast how #woke Khaleesi is compared to QPC. Both have giant maps and thrones now, but QPC is so out of touch that she has no time for strategy or listening to other people’s advice. 

Final thoughts:

This ep was what the TV people call a “table setting” episode and it did just that. The drawback is that it was pretty boring. We just check in on all of our key players/places and see how everyone is doing which is normally quite helpful in GoT world. But the season 6 finale already did that for us, so it seems to be just an extension of that episode rather than something new and exciting. Now on to our superlatives...

Biggest surprise this ep: Sam is interning for JIM BROADBENT these days, which is pretty great. Also Ed Sheeran lives in GoT-world I guess which actually explains a lot.

Biggest letdown: We only get THREE WHOLE WORDS from Khaleesi in the entire ep!

Important fashion moments: Sansa’s new lacefront is NOT working for her. With this budget you’d think they could afford better wigs! Also, while I won’t miss the Mereen subplot, I will miss Khaleesi and co being in a warmer climate because she and her friends had some killer crop tops/ cut out dresses/ bright colors . Now that everyone is on the cold side of the world, we have much less #fashun.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Walder Frey’s main cronies

Check in next week when we’re promised someone will finally be strangling littlefinger so we may be rid of his creepy soliloquies soon! Thanks for reading tell your friends!

CORRECTION: After checking my sources, it seems like the Hound maybe didn’t kill the farmer dude and his daughter but instead stole their shit and so they were forced into the dire circumstances that led them to their death. So while it sounds like he didn’t kill them, he still feels guilty that he basically caused their deaths.

Also, I incorrectly ID’ed Bae as Khaleesi’s uncle a few times but actually she is his aunt I guess? Sorry to lead you astray!