#gonna update Let Me In at least once in october and then To Be Redeemed I'm adding quite a bit to the first chapter before I reupload it

[ya-killin-me-smalls]

You're back!! Oh man, you're back, that's awesome. I'm so glad you're okay. I followed Defective chapter by chapter when you first posted it. It was legit one of my most favorite fanfics of all time in any fandom, I probably read it ten times, and it made me so, so sad when it was gone. Thank you so much for reposting it, and all your other work. I thought I would never get to read it again.

I dunno if you know how much just... joy, your work has given me. I mean, Defective made me actually cry the first time I read it, I loved it so much and I still do. I'm pretty sure it was one of the first good quality long-form fics in the fandom, and I was always so hyped when a new chapter dropped. Your work was part of what got me through my first year of college, because everything else really sucked, so I was so glad I could read your works, they really helped me through it.

I know it's cheesy, but just... thank you. Thank you so much, for your writing and your posts. I'm glad you're doing better. I don't know if you realize how many people you helped with your work, and I'm just so glad you're back.

yeah I apologize for leaving abruptly out of nowhere without warning. some stuff happened and I just wanted a fresh start from everything ever at the time, so I scrapped anything I could

funny enough I'm bad with words but it means so much to me that what I create has real impact on people and that for some people I'm able to give them just one more reason to stick around through the bad times, even if it's just to see how a story ends. I genuinely love my readers and any time I get comments or asks from you guys I'm thrilled because it's so cool to hear your perspectives and interpretations and to get to interact with the audience rather than just watching the hit count go up

kinda surprised you've read it that many times over but flattered nonetheless anon. Defective I think had so much more potential than what it currently is but it was a necessary stepping stone for future stories to turn out better, but I'll always love it no matter what because when I wrote it it came from grief that I was still processing, so it's very personal to me. touching when others are able to appreciate it so much and I hope that maybe reading it has helped them process their own emotions too

[hazinhoodies]

October 12

A/N:This is it. The last part. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i did writing it. I’ll write an epilogue if you guys would like. Thank you so much for reading, send me your feedback on October so i can improve for my net series (which has already been planned)

Word count: 2.7k

It wasn’t long before Emma was already back into the swing of school, finding any way to incorporate Harrison into her schedule, and Harrison did the same. The five hour time difference didn’t help. Emma would Skype him after her class, and he would have already wrapped for the day. They talk for a few hours until Harrison fell asleep, usually with a little convincing from Emma. Then once Harrison woke up, Emma would be asleep and he’d hang up. Except for the few times she fell asleep at her desk, much to his own distaste, Harrison would wake her up, and stay on the call until she fell asleep again, in bed this time

Harrison’s alarm woke him up, Feel It Still blaring from next to him. He turned off his alarm, only to be faced with a tired looking Emma, her knees pulled to her chest, an oversized sweater engulfing her body, her hair in a bun on top of her head, baby hairs galore. The light of her laptop illuminated her face, making her look even more tired as she tapped away. “Love why are you still awake?” Emma’s head shot up at the voice “Sorry. I’m nearly done. I promise” she rubbed at her eyes gently before going back to typing “No, love you have to go to sleep okay? What time is it?” Harrison’s brows furrowed as Emma looked at the clock. “2:47” Emma spoke quietly. “Love you need to go to sleep” Harrison’s expression softened. Emma shook her head “Not tired. I’m fine Haz” “Emma. Darling. You’re gonna be exhausted. Let the essay be. Sit on it for a bit and come back to it tomorrow, you need sleep” Emma sighed “Okay. Okay I’m sorry you’re right I should” she looked at Harrison on her screen, smiling softly. “I’ll stay on until you fall asleep okay love?” Harrison smiled “Haz you don’t have to-“ “No, I want to” He interrupted her Emma presses her lips together and nodded, she stood up and started to close her books. “Don’t forget to take off your makeup Emma” Emma smiled, rolling her eyes sarcastically. “Thank you” she reached up to one of the shelves of her desk and wiped off her makeup. “Anything else I may be forgetting?” Harrison thought for a moment “no that’s it I think” Emma laughed quietly before crawling under her sheets and pulling them close to her chest. “Night Haz” She spoke softly, her eyes closing. “Goodnight love.” Harrison muted himself as he started to get ready for his day. He didn’t want to wake her up, once her breathing evened out, Harrison took a few moments before hanging up. He said a quiet ‘goodnight’ even though she wouldn’t hear it.

She watched the pancakes video for the first time with him on Skype, which they quickly discovered was the worst thing to exist, but they suffered anyways.

“Wait you did what now?”

“Yes. I filmed a video of me making pancakes and posted it” Harrison looked down at his lap, making a mental note to get back at Tom for bursting in, saying that one line and leaving. “I also made a video of how to cut hot bread, must've been six years ago now? If you search my name in youtube both should show up”

“Oh, I’ve already seen the hot bread one. Tom sent it to me a bit after I got home” Emma typed Harrison Osterfield into her search bar and there it was, first result How to make Pancakes with Harrison Osterfield.

Harrison listened to her commentary throughout the video.

“What if I already know how to make pancakes?”

“Well then I guess you don’t need to watch the video” Emma shot him a glare “I’ll take that as a no”

“You’ve never used olive oil or baking soda before? I understand the baking soda maybe but olive oil? Really?”

“Harrison oh my god that is so much sugar”

She looked at him with wide eyes as video-Harrison poured well over two tablespoons into the bowl. She opened her mouth to speak but could only shake her head. “Not surprised just disappointed”

She cracked a few smiles throughout the video, chuckling softly at some parts. Harrison admired her as she subconsciously bit down on her sleeve covered thumb gently.  

Emma paused the video and looked up at Harrison. “Pancakes in salt” Harrison laughed “Yeah I know I’m a div. Keep watching” She hit play, her attention going back to video-Harrison only to pause it a second later

“You better not have used garlic salt. Harrison, you can’t be that inept”

“I don’t. And I’m not” Emma hit play again.

“A mug isn’t necessarily a cup”

“But if I use a mug to measure everything then shouldn’t it still have the same ratios? Approximately at least?”

Emma shrugged. “Maybe? I’m not a hundred percent sure”

“Can never have enough sugar” Emma paused the video an looked up at Harrison.

“You better not have. Harrison that’s so much sugar already”

“Keep watching love” Emma hit play again and glared at Harrison as video-Harrison poured more sugar into the bowl.

“Not surprised just disappointed I know love” She turned her attention back to the video.

“Hopefully not burning cause the pancakes would be ruined”

“Oh no. What would you ever do? Not like you made enough pancake batter to feed the entirety of Europe” Emma spoke monotonously. Harrison couldn’t help but laugh at her sarcasm.

Video-Harrison flipped the pancake and caught it in the pan.

“I’m mildly impressed”

“Oh please you’re impressed”

Emma smiled “Okay maybe a little more than mildly. Also, that kind of maple syrup is nasty”

“You. Are. So. Canadian” Harrison laughed “Critiquing my maple syrup? Really?”

“It’s so processed I don’t even think you can call it maple. I’m taking you to a maple syrup farm one day. You’ll see”

“A maple syrup farm? Those actually exist?” Harrison shook his head in disbelief “Canada is a fucking theme park”

“Canada produces eighty percent of the world’s maple syrup. Quebec alone produces seventy percent of it. Our maple syrup reservoir is huge. We have to get the maple somewhere” Emma grinned, never missing an opportunity to embody Canadian stereotypes.

They lived out most of their relationship through Snapchat, texting, Instagram stories that were definitely meant for the other but they’d never admit it. Emma was sitting in the library, must have been a week, maybe, into school. She quickly opened up her phone and sent a Snapchat to Harrison. The video zoomed in on to two students with their backs to her, the past them and to the books on their desks; Catch-22 and How I Live Now. She flipped the camera back to her face and sighed. ‘I can’t escape either of you’ written across the top of the screen. It’d only been 20 minutes after Harrison had posted his Instagram story of him working out when he received a simple ‘Fuck you’ text from Emma. He grinned, typing a quick response. Haz: 😉

As for Tom, most of their conversations we’re games of 8ball, mainly of Tom trying to redeem himself of his 13% win rate. Emma had been added to a conversation with Holland and Co plus Zendaya and Harrison, that’s where most of the actual conversations went down

Harrison found himself falling in love with Emma even more. The way she spoke, saying traw-no instead of Toronto, blaming it on how close she grew up to the city. How she said ‘bronze’ with a rounder, softer o, caused by years of French lessons and actually learning the French word before the English one, not that they’re much different. Or saying ‘melk’ instead of milk, a mispronunciation she couldn’t trace back to anything. About turning slightly more into ‘a boat’ when she talked fast, or sorry, as if it was story. He never thought he could fall in love with one accent as much as this. But it was only hers.

When he’d been introduced to Millie, her roommate for years, he didn’t find her mispronunciations nearly as interesting. They were the same for the most part but something about it didn’t strike the same chord within him.

He still had yet to meet Hannah. Emma told him every story she could think of about the two of them, never seeming to spare a detail. He found himself smiling more during those stories, the way Emma seemed so happy when talking about the pair. Her eyes lit up at every opportunity to recite a story, whether it be a band camp story or the time they drove down to New York together just for the hell of it. He listened, watching her excitement.

They updated each other constantly. Harrison filming whatever prank Harry had most recently filmed, Emma, getting way over excited when she came in second place during a game of laser tag. There was one time when Harrison full on judged Emma for dipping fries into her frosty after Millie had delivered her food. “What it’s good! I swear” “That’s not possible at all. The thought of it is kind of disgusting” “You have to try it to understand it. Next time you go to Wendy’s you better call me and you’re trying it” It was only a few days later, Emma was in her 11am History of Western Music class when she got a Skype call on her laptop. Her earbuds were already plugged in but she shoved one into her ear as she answered. She typed a quick ‘can’t talk. In class” onto her phone and sent it. Harrison nodded as he received the text. “So uh I told Tom about the fries and frosty thing and he forced us to go to Wendy’s for dinner. And then forced me to call you. I wasn’t planning on it” A small smile found its way onto Emma’s lips as she typed away whatever the professor was saying. “Yeah so now you’ve got to try it. I trust whatever Emma says honestly” Tom spoke from behind the camera. Harrison glared at him Emma picked up her phone again, typing a text. Toms phone buzzes a few seconds later. “Tom you too. Emma. No” it buzzed again “please, you said you trusted me” “Mate if i have to try it then you do too” Tom sighed. “Fine” the two boys picked up a fry each and dipped it into the frosty. They counted down and ate then hesitantly as they hit one. There was a pause “Okay why is that good” Emma tried to contain a laugh “Emma why didn’t you tell us about this earlier?” Tom ate another fry “it’s so good” Emma shrugged, a smile plastered to her lips that she hoped was hidden behind her laptop from the prof. Another text from Emma. “Have I lied to you yet? Told you it’d be good” Emma had had the worst day so far. It was October 5th. The last Friday before the long weekend, which she had decided to stay at school for. She had slept in, forcing her to go to her 8am lecture in a pair of leggings, a sweater, with her hair up messily and no makeup whatsoever. They had messed up her coffee order but she was too late to say anything. Thinking back, it wasn’t that big of a deal, just one small annoyance that made her morning worse. Emma has forgotten to check the weather, which in early October in Ontario, proved to be very important. She walked back to her dorm from the lecture hall as it poured, hugging her laptop to her chest. Emma’s music blared in her ears. She didn’t bother running, she was going to end up soaked either way. Emma opened the door to her building and stepped in the elevator. She wiped at the hairs plastered to her forehead, tucking what she could behind her ears, the shortest of her hairs not going with the rest. She walked down the hall until she reached her room. She huffed as she opened the door and immediately turned to her desk, placing her laptop on it. Something felt off about Emma’s room. Sure it was messier than normal, she’s had what seemed like a billion projects coming up. She felt eyes on her and panicked slightly. She looked over at her bed abruptly and her breath caught in her throat. Harrison. She pulled her earbuds out of her ears, tossing them on the desk carelessly. She took two strides across the small room and stopped in front of him. Her hands immediately went to his cheeks. Emma smiled. Her cheeks almost hurt from how wide it was. “You’re here. Harrison. What?” “I knew you were staying home for Thanksgiving, which I still don’t get by the way. How could I miss a chance to see my favourite girl” his hands rested on her hips, he pulled her down so she straddled his lap as she pulled his face to hers and pressed their lips together. Emma pulled away after a moment. “I wanna show you something” she leaned back, relying on Harrison to hold her up as she reached for her laptop. She set it down next to her and opened it. Harrison left soft kisses on Emma ’s cheek and neck as she searched through her computer. She paused for a moment, leaving a quick kiss on his lips. “Wait how did you get in here?” Emma continued searching through her laptop, opening up a file SILcc “I messaged Millie. She thought it’d be nice for me to surprise you as well” Harrison ran his hands along her sides. Of course, it was Millie. She was too good at keeping secrets. Having been Emma’s roommate for the last three years she’s noticed how off she’d been. “So are you gonna show me or not?” Harrison laughed “So remember that piece I was working on? All summer?” Emma played with the hairs at the back of his neck. Harrison nodded. “Well, I finished it. And I want you to hear” she out the window, mainly trying to avoid eye contact. “I know that listening to orchestral music isn’t everyone’s thing but I’m really proud of it and-“ Emma was cut off by Harrison’s lips on hers. “Darling I’d love to hear it” Harrison spoke as he pulled away and rested his forehead on hers. She smiled, pecking his lips quickly as she pressed play. They watched as it scrolled through the score as their hands mindlessly ran along each other’s sides, arms, back. Whatever they could. What had started eight months ago, only to be completely rewritten less than three months ago, now condensed into five minutes, smooth melodies telling the story of her summer. It started out smooth, but as if it was being contained. Held back. There was one part that Harrison couldn’t quite explain. It was harsher. Blurred, almost. Moving into what could only be confusion and guilt? Maybe. Regret? Also maybe. Slowly but surely it moved back into the same sweet melodies as it had started. But brighter. Almost as if it had burst. Harrison still didn’t get it. How Emma could just create music out of nothing. Or perfectly explain a story. It was remarkable. She just got something in her head and was able to put it into the ears of others “That’s amazing” Harrison smiled as Emma stopped the music. He noticed a title at the top. Summer In London. “Well, coming from someone who doesn’t understand music” Emma chuckled “I’m glad you think so” She presses his lips against hers.  “I emailed it to Michael a few days ago” “Yeah?” Harrison mumbled against her lips. “Yeah” Emma paused, biting her lip gently “He wants to publish it” Harrisons' head shot up. “Really? Emma that’s amazing” he kissed her “I’m so proud of you” he wrapped his arms around her torso, pulling her against his chest. Harrison could feel her laughing. “How do we celebrate?” He spoke softly in her ear. Emma pulled away from his body “we stay in all weekend. I haven’t seen you since August and I miss you” And so they did.

taglist: @notimeforthemessenger @ap93mcu @pumpkinravingparker @rainbow-marvel

Writers who were kind enough to let me tag them throughout this mess of a series (thank you for inspiring me with your work btw): @avastarrrs @starksparker @h-osterfield @hollandroos @dej-okay @upsidedownparker @darlintom @marvelellie @starksmile

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 6: Sorry, Aaron Rodgers. Have some birthday cake

Can one overwhelmed dad pull off a toddler birthday party in the morning and still watch six and a half hours of RedZone? That depends: Do naps count as watching football?

My daughter turns three this week, so we hosted her birthday party before the games kicked off. It was a confetti-themed party. There was confetti inside the balloons, over-sized beach balls with colorful spots, sprinkles on the cake, and more sprinkles at the cookie-decorating station.

Not that a theme matters to my daughter. She wants two things out of a birthday party: pizza and cake. Everything else is window dressing.

ME: Look sweetie, all of your best friends in the world are right here just to be with you!

HER: [shrug]

ME: Should I go pick up the pizza?

HER: PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

That said, the cookie decoration station was a big hit, and it bought the adults a long stretch of time where the kids are stationary and mostly quiet. This was a REVELATION. Ever since my wife gave birth twice in 19 months, I haven’t spoken to another adult at a kid’s birthday party for longer than 45 seconds.

But with the kids entertaining themselves? I had no fewer than five pleasant conversations with other parents that ended like normal human interactions, and not with me sprinting toward a crying child. I know every parent says, “It goes so fast!” and “I miss those days!” but I’m more than happy to floor it past the first two years of birthday parties.

We can stop time now, at age three, while Aaron Rodgers has two intact collarbones.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— My picks this week for Team OddsShark in the SuperContest are as follows:

Lions +5 at Saints

Packers -3 at Vikings

Cardinals +2.5 versus Bucs

Chiefs -4.5 versus Steelers

Raiders -3.5 versus Chargers

At one point a few weeks ago, I said I was going to include my picks every week, but that was before I learned I could write a column with a word count to rival Peter King’s. So when my picks have been bad, they’ve been edited out (or never written at all). And they’ve been REALLY bad: I’m sitting at 12 points (out of a maximum 25) through five weeks. Woof.

UPDATE: 1-4 on the day! This section is hereby retired forever.

— The birthday party ends at 12:30 Eastern, but it takes a while to clean up, pack up, walk home, and start putting the kids down for their naps. By the time I turn the TV, the Jets lead the Patriots 7-0, and Aaron Rodgers has left the game with an injury to his throwing shoulder. Yeesh, Friday the 13th is really making a full weekend of it, huh?

— I’m counting on Lions-Saints to be a fantasy bonanza. I have what feels like every wide receiver from these teams in one league or another, and the conditions are ideal (bad defenses, Superdome) for a million points. Golden Tate’s opening touchdown HAS to be a harbinger of what’s to come.

I've seen better tackling in a Pee Wee game LOL Saints http://pic.twitter.com/YHTtBpFt9I

— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) October 15, 2017

The one wide receiver on these teams I DON’T have is Tedd Ginn, who immediately scores a touchdown on what appears to be a crossing route (if I’m wrong, it’s because I’m watching my kids, not All-22). I refuse to let Ted Ginn be redeemed in the Saints’ offense. I don’t care how open he gets behind the defense, the only people he’s burned with any consistency is fantasy owners.

The only people Ted Ginn burns with any consistency are fantasy owners.

— After the Vikings intercept Brett Hundley, Jerick McKinnon scores on a screen pass to give Minnesota a 7-0 lead. I have zero faith that a greenhorn backup can rally the Packers on the road against one of the best defenses in the league. This one’s over.

— Josh McCown is now 11-of-15 passing with two touchdowns. The Jets lead 14-0. Twitter reacts wildly, as if they expect the Patriots to NOT come back and win this game comfortably. Yes, this is a bad Pats defense, but also — and more importantly — this is the Jets. New England’s gonna win this one.

— My son has been teething non-stop for the last six weeks or so, just rows and rows of new teeth like a shark. Before I had kids, I heard enough from parents to know, “Oh, teething is bad,” but I never knew just WHY it was bad. “Their mouth hurts, bummer” is what I’d think, then I’d go back to thinking about movies or sex or eating at a restaurant.

But no! The mouth pain is just one small aspect of the teething experience. When teeth are tearing through little toddler gums, the child doesn’t eat as well. He doesn’t sleep as well. But that’s fine, eating and sleeping are only THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT PARTS of keeping a child happy.

On top of that, although there’s no medical evidence for causation, teething is often accompanied by fever, a runny nose, and diarrhea. Runny noses can lead to ear infections, and frequent diarrhea can lead to diaper rash. So, instead of your usual happy child, you’ve got a tired, hungry monster whose various holes are in constant pain.

And the worst part is that you don’t even know he’s teething. You just spend several days being frustrated at your kid: “Why won’t this little jerk eat? Why’s he so grumpy?” And then three days later you see a new tooth poking through, and it’s like, “Ohhhhhhhh, NOW I get it.” Teething blows.

— Tarik Cohen throws a touchdown to Zach Miller on a halfback toss! There is now a viable argument that Cohen is the fourth-best quarterback in Bears history.

Running Back Tossing TD Alert! @_Twenty8_ to @ZMiller86 for SIX! #DaBears http://pic.twitter.com/MlyxkpaUr9

— NFL (@NFL) October 15, 2017

This is my all-time favorite play in Madden (NOTE: This is also why I was very bad at Madden).

— Like Golden Tate before him, Braxton Miller flips into end zone.

.@BraxtonMiller5 is flipping his way into the end zone! #Texans http://pic.twitter.com/huhWiO3YuZ

— NFL (@NFL) October 15, 2017

I’m happy for Braxton. It has to be hard to make it in the NFL with a lacrosse name.

— KIRK COUSINS FREE AGENCY SUPER-CONTRACT WATCH: Cousins, playing his future suitors from Santa Clara, throws an interception, which is overturned on replay. He then throws ANOTHER pick by air-mailing a deep ball into double coverage.

There are 49ers fans who are actually excited about the prospect of signing Cousins. To these people I can only say: Have you considered a sanitarium? Fresh air, no wi-fi, comfy robes. We can help, but you need to want to get better.

— Stephen Gostkowski misses a 47-yarder, and it looks like the Pats will go into halftime down 14-7 or worse ... until Josh McCown throws an INT. A quick bomb to Brandin Cooks sets the Pats up inside the Jets’ 5-yard line, and a Rob Gronkowski touchdown ties the game before the half.

Well, at least the Jets had that first quarter.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— Besides the excitement of the party, my wife and I balanced parenting with three and a half hours of party prep (squatting at picnic tables, a trip to Party City); schlepped a a full party’s worth of food, drink, and decorations to the park; and weathered my daughter’s first bee sting. GOOD NEWS: She’s not allergic to bee stings! Helluva day to find out, though.

All of this is to say: You’re goddamn right I took a nap when the games went to halftime.

— When I wake up, the Pats lead 24-14. Order has been restored to the world.

— But the Falcons are … losing? At home? To the DOLPHINS?!!? But they were up 17-0 at the half! What in God’s name is going on here? And why are the Falcons rushing to get plays off? WHOA THERE’S ONLY A MINUTE LEFT! That was a good nap!

I know Falcons fans must be stressed the hell out about this two-minute drill, but this moment made me chuckle:

LOL http://pic.twitter.com/wPBYFHUWAC

— Steve Noah (@Steve_OS) October 15, 2017

Taylor Gabriel is just a speedy little football doll!

Then, with the Falcons in range of a game-tying field goal, Reshad Jones picks off Matt Ryan. The throw hit Austin Hooper in the hands, but his bobble provided Jones with all the opportunity he needed to end the game.

Wow. The Falcons were 11.5-point favorites at home, and they lost to Jay Cutler. Gonna have to fumigate the whole stadium after that one.

— We can tell my daughter has woken up from her nap when we hear a full-voiced “Happy birthday to youuuuu” coming from her room.

— The Ravens trail 24-13 at home, and they’re kicking a 50-yard field goal with three minutes left. What a limp way to run up the white flag.

A few minutes later, RedZone cuts back to the Ravens, who have gotten a spectacular punt return for a touchdown!

This is CLUTCH! #RavensFlock http://pic.twitter.com/1v9j6L9kdY

— NFL (@NFL) October 15, 2017

ALL PART OF JOHN HARBAUGH’S PLAN. You have to get the ball out of Joe Flacco’s hands and let the defense and special teams take over (The only other Ravens touchdown today came from a kickoff return).

The Ravens convert the two-point attempt to tie the game, and the Bears have 1:30 to take the lead back. With the game on the line, Mitchell Trubisky leads ... a three-and-out. Once again, we get an extra period of ham-fisted ding-dongs flailing at each other instead of sending them home with the tie they deserve. BAN OVERTIME.

— As the Packers lose in Minnesota, the news gets even worse: Aaron Rodgers has broken his right collarbone, just like my daughter earlier this season. She healed completely in four weeks, but Rodgers, being a slightly lesser athlete, may be done for the season. We go now to race for the NFC North division title:

PANDEMONIUM

— Every week I struggle to demarcate the endings of early games with the beginnings of late ones, so they get their own section this week. We’re gonna let this football estuary do its thing, trusting that time will separate the saltwater from the fresh.

— As my son wakes up from his nap, a Lions punt return for a touchdown cuts the Saints’ lead to 45-31. There are still 11 minutes left; this could be a game.

— In the span of about a minute, RedZone shows the following: The Rams returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown; Adrian Peterson’s first touchdown for the Cardinals; Leonard Fournette responding to the Rams’ score with a 75-yarder to the house; and the 49ers getting a late touchdown to put some heat on Washington. Scott Hanson is losing his mind.

— A’Shawn Robinson intercepts Drew Brees at goal line and walks it in for an easy touchdown. It’s now 45-38 with more than six minutes to play. I am desperate for the Lions to cover.

The girl can freehand a circle that rivals Giotto’s but still hasn’t learned to jump properly.

— My wife leaves with to walk our dog, taking our son in the stroller with her. My daughter stays at her kid-sized IKEA table, focused on drawing. She would draw or paint for five hours every day if we didn’t force her get up and attempt to develop gross motor skills. The girl can freehand a circle that rivals Giotto’s but still hasn’t learned to jump properly. We have some work to do.

— The Bears win! It was a field goal or something, I was putting some frozen chicken nuggets into the oven. There are two kind of frozen nuggs: pre-cooked, which take about 15 minutes to bake, and uncooked, which take 25-30 minutes. The uncooked ones (which is what we’re making today) ultimately taste better, but 25-30 minutes is a LONG time for kids. You really need to be ahead of the hunger curve to make these.

— In Jacksonville, it’s Jags 14, Rams 10 barely 8 minutes into the game. I’m gonna need this game to come down off PCP.

— The Lions have a disastrous muffed punt that nearly goes for a safety. Instead, they start a drive at their own one-yard line, and Matt Stafford promptly gets picked by Cam Robinson for the insta-six. It looks nearly identical to the play that brought them within a score. Now it’s 52-38, and while the score isn’t THAT surprising, these teams combining for FOUR defensive touchdowns certainly is.

In consecutive games, the Saints defense has produced a shutout and scored three touchdowns. I blame this on global warming.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— With the early games finally done, I’d like to celebrate the rarest of RedZone occasions: A good slate of late games! Chargers-Raiders is a great rivalry game despite the two teams’ records, Steelers-Chiefs is a battle of AFC heavyweights, and Rams-Jaguars is high on bath salts and running loose through the swamp. The lone clunker looks to be Bucs-Cardinals, where the Cardinals are already up 21-0. Larry Fitzgerald is doing that thing where he’s one of the greatest receivers who ever lived.

— My daughter runs into the room wearing a pink cape. She eats a tortilla chip that my son discarded on the couch. “I’m a superhero!” she says.

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask.

“HMMMMM.” She has obviously not done the groundwork on her origin story.

“Are you the Pink Crusader?”

“Yeah!” She runs out of the room, then runs back in. “I’m a superhero!”

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask again.

She yells, “The Pink Crusader!” Again, she runs out of the room.

She runs back in and stops in front of me. She casually leans an arm on the couch and says, “I’m the Pink Crusader.”

— After a Steelers safety and a Chiefs field goal make a baseball score, the Steelers score the first TD of the game by giving Kanas City an overwhelming dose of Peak Le’Veon Bell. The entire drive was Bell gently picking his way through traffic with his trademark hesitation-acceleration.

Now that I think about it, the late slate is bursting with my favorite running backs to watch — not just Bell, but Melvin Gordon, Marshawn Lynch, Leonard Fournette, and Todd Gurley. And while every news report from the last three years suggests that Adrian Peterson is an unrepentant egomaniacal shithead, his resurgence for the Cardinals adds to the overall effect (I’d still prefer a healthy David Johnson, though).

Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t even the best Fitz in this game.

— Jameis Winston is doubtful to return with a shoulder injury. RYAN FITZPATRICK CLAIMS ANOTHER SCALP. Fitzmagic takes his first snap down 24-0 on the road in a game where he’s not even the best Fitz. My expectations are sufficiently tempered.

Soon enough, Fitzpatrick leads the Bucs on a respectable drive. On second-and-goal, he does one of his trademark moves: giving up on a play too early, running for it, and diving headfirst into defenders. On third-and-goal, well, let’s just call this unorthodox and leave it at that.

I got you Bill http://pic.twitter.com/yTkI0rtkQQ

— Cameron DaSilva (@camdasilva) October 15, 2017

And on fourth down, Patrick Peterson fights through a pick to break up a slant to Mike Evans. Still no score for the Bucs.

— I’m starving. I head to the kitchen to grab a slice of leftover pizza, then absentmindedly head back to the TV. Rookie mistake. My kids are in the middle of their non-pizza dinner, and they’ve witnessed the superior option.

“I want pizza! I want pizza!” my daughter says, and my poor wife has to explain that she already had pizza at her party today, and will have pizza again on her actual birthday this week. “You’re right, Mommy. That’s enough pizza for one week,” is not what my daughter says. It is the last thing any child would ever say.

— The Rams score on a blocked punt, their second special teams touchdown of the half, to head into the locker room up 24-14. Jags DC Todd Walsh DEFINITELY hates the other coordinators, right?

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— Fitzpatrick’s first throw of the second half is an interception, and the Cardinals respond with a 4-play touchdown drive. Carson Palmer’s touchdown pass to John Brown is so hilariously underthrown that it fakes the defender out. The cornerback foolishly ran into the end zone as Brown tracked back to catch the ball floating down at the two-yard line.

— Bath time. My wife puts both kids in the bath, but when my son is done I leave the TV to help with my daughter. She says, “I’m the Little Mermaid!” (shakes fist) DISNEEEEYYYY!

“Well, the Little Mermaid has beautiful hair because she washes it all the time. We should probably shampoo your hair so it’s like hers,” I say, and she assents faster than she ever has to a hair-washing. Although now that I think about it, mermaid hair would have to be distinctly different from human hair to not be completely damaged by constant submersion in saltwater. The lies we tell our children.

When I finish washing her hair, she lays back in the tub to rinse, and I hold the back of her head to massage the shampoo out. Ringed by remnants of bubbles, her face has the beatific look of the precogs from Minority Report, and she makes up a song about a bear, singing it under her breath, so lightly I can’t follow whatever plot there is. It is a peaceful, unscripted moment that is filled with the kind of awe and love usually reserved for cathedrals. Best part of my day.

— After I dry her off and put her in pajamas, I come back to a virtually unchanged landscape of football: The Jaguars, Steelers, and Raiders are still holding on to single-digit leads, and the Bucs are still getting pantsed, though they ARE finally on the board.

— The Chiefs offense, humbled by the Pittsburgh defense most of the day, pieces together a drive by throwing to Kareem Hunt. But on 4th and 2 inside the Steelers’ five-yard line, Andy Reid, trailing 12-3, chooses to go for it instead of kicking the field goal. The pass is nearly picked off, and the Steelers get the ball.

Now, I am Mr. Go-For-It, a believer in advanced analytics and a member of the Cult of Barnwell. I would love to celebrate Reid’s boldness (process over outcome!), but I’m just not sure the risk was worth it.

— Here now is the Bortlest pair of plays possible: On second down, Blake Bortles is sacked and fumbles, but Jags are able to recover the ball. Then, on 3rd and 14, Bortles sails a pass over a wide receiver (who is well short of the sticks); the ball bounces off the receivers’ outstretched fingertips and into the hands of a defensive back for an interception. It’s all there in two plays: poor pocket awareness, bad decision-making, and costly inaccuracy.

I know the “They could have Colin Kaepernick on their team!” refrain is growing old, but for me it’s growing old because it’s EXHAUSTING to think about the success that mediocre teams could enjoy if they cared more about winning than not signing a guy whose activism offends the NFL’s ruling class.

— My wife is shrieking with laughter as my son blows raspberries on her legs. He’s been a relentless pain in the butt in the final hour before bed during this teething epoch, so I’m really only writing this so there’s some historical record of him being a sweet, funny kid.

— One of the Chiefs’s speedy playmakers finally steps up. Alex Smith scrambles and finds De’Anthony Thomas open on the left sideline, and the former Duck makes tacklers miss in space before flipping into the end zone. That’s the third one today!

Alex Smith extends the play... And @DATBLACKMOMBA13 takes care of business. 57-yard @Chiefs TOUCHDOWN! #ChiefsKingdom http://pic.twitter.com/lVmaGuCdJe

— NFL (@NFL) October 15, 2017

MANDATORY NOTE: This touchdown would have given the Chiefs the lead if they’d just kicked the dang field goal.

— Holy bananapants, this Antonio Brown touchdown on third-and-two:

Already the catch of the year from Antonio Brown @btsteelcurtain http://pic.twitter.com/tXDNfVrr06

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) October 15, 2017

Your move, De’Anthony Thomas and/or Tyreek Hill. No? No equally jaw-dropping game-breaker? Very well, then: Steelers win.

— I put my kids to bed. Their hair smells like dreams.

— The Bucs are scoring a bunch of points, but it’s too little, far too late. I’m not going to legitimize this alleged comeback with details.

— The Raiders run a hook-and-lateral in their own territory on third-and-12 up two points. It doesn’t go horrifically, but it DOES fall short of the first down. The Raiders punt, back the Chargers up, then allow a game-winning field goal drive.

— As the games wrap up, my wife asks, “Why are we watching the NFL if Aaron Rodgers, J.J. Watt, and Odell Beckham aren’t in it?” It’s a great point, but also: WATCH IT, LADY. THIS COLUMN FEEDS OUR FAMILY.