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dropintomanga · 4 years ago

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Understanding Yumeko Jabami, Thanks to Mahjong

One of my latest hobbies is about to intersect with a very notable gambling anime/manga series starring a girl who just loves to risk it all.

So I found out that Mahjong Soul, the game/service I play online riichi mahjong on, is doing a collaboration with Kakegurui and my reaction to it is somewhat of a mixed one.

That’s mostly due to what Kakegurui explores versus the ambiguity of mahjong as a gambling game.

For those who don’t know about Kakegurui, it’s a gambling anime/manga series about a young girl named Yumeko Jabami who attends a school, Hyakkaou Private Academy, where the social hierarchy is determined by gambling with your fellow students. The more you win, the more privileges you get in school. The more you lose, the worse your status is. There are multiple “loser” students that are labeled as “household pets” and have to wear a tag around their neck that labels them as such. Yumeko is noted to be a compulsive gambler. She doesn’t care if she wins or loses; she’s in it for the thrill. Yumeko’s behavior draws the attention of the whole school as she takes on various notable opponents in order to get an opportunity to take on the student council president, Kirari Momobami.

There’s a lot of commentary about Kakegurui with regards to Yumeko’s character. She does have a huge gambling addiction, but never truly pays for it in anyway. The series can be also be commentary about the nature of today’s world and how the nature of capitalism has destroyed important familial/peer bonds for the sake of status.

I find the MajSoul x Kakegurui collaboration fascinating because

1.) Gambling is illegal in Japan. There’s literally no casinos there at all. You can beat on sports and horse racing, but if you want to play poker/blackjack, underground casinos are your best bet. And the ones who run them tend to be the yakuza. The Yakuza games highlight underground casinos to a huge degree.

2.) Mahjong has stigma from where the game originated - China. The Chinese government has frowned on people playing mahjong to gamble. While there are mahjong parlors in China, there are many stories of police raiding them and many parlors are run by gangsters. It also doesn’t help that some Chinese folks have had their lives ruined due to mahjong.

3.) Mahjong is very popular in Japan. It’s probably the most popular table game there. However, the game is in this in-between space of being a gambling game while also not being a gambling game. That’s probably a big reason why Japan hasn’t been too fussy about it.

So this collaboration has some kind of tension as many folks don’t know about the dark “gambling” side of mahjong. Kakegurui is a trip to that dark side. No real money is bet in MajSoul anyway, but I’ve been thinking about the series after getting caught up with the manga.

There’s a scene where Yumeko and one of her rivals-turned-ally, Mary Saotome, face off in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors Poker. Mary was the 1st opponent Yumeko fought and she lost her place in the school. Over time, Mary built up the resolve to challenge Yumeko again while becoming more friendlier. During their game, Mary manages to win a hand against Yumeko. Yumeko admits that she was scared during the hand, but at the same time, she’s having A LOT of fun.

Mary remarks about her comments:

“Oh. The way Yumeko sees it...fear is part of the fun of gambling. This is so ridiculous. “Fear is part of the fun of gambling”? It makes no sense. And yet, I’m starting to feel it right now.

Getting afraid, bluffing, going in fully confident...our feelings are exposed in every move we make, and we respond to them and then...the showdown! Our true emotions are revealed.

We’re having the kind of conversation we can only enjoy when we’re gambling.

It’s like we’re in our own little world...sharing secrets with each other.”

Yumeko isn’t a hero. Gamblers usually aren’t noble characters, but they have this tendency to inspire other people to embrace their vulnerabilities and move forward while doing so. Fear is real, but it closes off the real you. Yumeko wants the people around her to truly be themselves and take the kinds of risks that can change their lives for the better in so many ways.

There was an article I once read about how most work is BS and one of the things that was mentioned was that what’s considered work today doesn’t solve social problems. For example, many people will argue that rampant consumerism has destroyed the world. The writer said something along the lines of that it’s not pleasure that’s a problem; it’s the view that people have to suffer in order to deserve pleasure. That view feels like Puritanism because it absolves those with power of their responsibility in letting social problems happen in the first place.

Kakegurui is a celebration of that pleasure in a way that generates real change. The freedom to have whatever desire you want. And in turn, that freedom spreads to other people in good ways. In some ways, mahjong is about the right kind of pleasure and learning how to deal with it amongst other people. It’s competitive, sure, but you’re being intimate with 3 other people and are learning more about yourself and those around you.

I don’t really gamble much, but mahjong just grew on me. While I’ve managed to do well, I have lost many times and have deliberated on many in-game decisions. I realize that the game is a safe outlet in learning how to deal with life’s many decisions. You don’t win all the time. There’s also benefits in letting other people win as well. For example, if you’re in 1st place by a lot and the player in 2nd place is chasing you, you can help the 3rd and 4th place holders by discarding tiles that you don’t need and they need. Make them take on 2nd place or each other. Hell, you can even lose to them if you know you won’t lose 1st place at all and they don’t have super-strong hands. Mahjong is a game that connects everyone and really gets going when all the parts (i.e. the players) move together.

There’s a wonderful interview I read last year from a psychology journalist turned pro poker player, Maria Konnikova, about being unable to control things in life and how poker taught her how to stay calm despite bad luck. Maria talks about the beauty of not knowing and embracing that view.

“Look at how many things there are to amaze us, to fascinate us. Look at the power of wonder, embrace it, and don’t be afraid there are things we don’t know. Don’t be afraid of uncertainty, be grateful for it. Would you want to live in a world where you knew everything and where everything was determined?

He (Carl Sagan) hated superstition, as do I. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t give up agency. Don’t have these stupid rituals. Science is beautiful. Lack of knowing is beautiful. All of these things we can’t control are beautiful. They’re powerful. They make us human. They make life worth living.“

We all make kinds of gambles in life when it comes to choosing the right partner/school/job opportunity. There tends to be a lot of pain, but there’s almost always something good that comes out of taking the right kinds of risk. I’m learning more about that through mahjong. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get super-competitive in mahjong because it’s a lifetime to master. But it’s a safe outlet to process my fears of uncertainty. My mom has been a big help in telling me that it’s okay to lose and give up when needed. There has to be rainy days as well as sunny days, right? The “win at all costs” mentality causes so much harm to people and those around them.

While I know Yumeko is criticized to be a sexualized female character, Yumeko isn’t afraid to display her lust for gambling with a sense of pride. In my opinion, she represents female empowerment. There’s so many women who are slut-shamed for being sexually expressive. What bigots fear are people unafraid to express themselves and won’t let themselves be shamed for it. Yumeko is the kind of heroine whose story needs to be out there - potentially destructive and able to harness it for self-empowerment without it getting out of hand.

So, I’ll go pseudo-Yumeko and say - Gamble away responsibly to your heart’s content~! Share your love with fellow gamblers! Have fun! Make that fun destroy those insecurities awful people have placed upon you! (insert wicked grin)

#Kakegurui #manga #anime #Mahjong Soul #psychology of gambling #pleasure #luck

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pervyjackson · 5 years ago

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The Passing of a Mortal

This short story is a diary entry by, the one and only, Percy Jackson. He wrote about his mother, who has passed a while ago of cancer. He still mourned over her. (Obviously, Sally’s not dead yet, but just for this short story, we can assume she did.)

~~~

“ Mortal lives may be short, but if we live with excitement and story at our fullest, once we die, we die pleasured, with no guilt. ”

Dear Diary,

Another day, when I keep thinking about her. She was an angel, the protector of my life. Passed away four years ago, but it still felt like yesterday. I feel awful. I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was spend as much time with her as possible, even when she had surgery behind those glass windows and wooden doors. She’s provided me with life, shelter, happiness and experience, yet there she went. A mere mortal, lived a mortal life to its fullest.

I remember that day clear like the glistening waters of the Caribbean shores.

The sky was already dark at around 7 PM. Rain was pouring. I was having dinner at home, watching Netflix with my love, Annabeth. Estelle went to have a sleepover at her friend’s. I was having dinner at home, watching Netflix with my love, Annabeth, when I received an Iris message. The mist was fiery red, which was weird as it normally is just white. I put down my spoon and paused the show.

“It’s an emergency,” Annabeth noticed, “only gods can call on the red Mist.”

I frowned and motioned for the Mist to proceed.

“Percy?” at the other end of the Mist was no other than my father, Poseidon, with doubt and trouble all showing in his frown. He didn’t look like the usual young, confident-looking Poseidon I knew; he looked old, fragile, even hurt. His face full of worry and pain. He ordered with urgency, “Percy! Your mother is near Death’s grasp. Get to the hospital, now!” It took me a second. Then I heard Annabeth’s loud gasp of shock, and I snapped out of my stupor. With absolute fright, I grabbed Annabeth and ran out of my door into the pouring rain, we rushed to the hospital.

Annabeth and I stood on my porch shivering from the pounding rain. I blew a loud whistle into the gloomy, stygian sky. In a heartbeat, wing beats were heard just above me, and my faithful pegasus, Blackjack, stood proudly in front of me. Despite all the rain, drooping his mane, he still stood regal with elegance.

“Sup, boss,” Blackjack whinnied, as Annabeth and I mounted him.

“No time for funny business,” I sternly said, “get us to Bellevue Hospital Center, now!”

“Yes, boss.” And into Nyx’s embrace we went.

Blackjack flew high up into the sky. The rain splatter into our faces. Annabeth was shivering in my arms and so was I, but I didn’t have so much mind to even care that I was cold. I was not cold. I was thinking about mom. Thinking how she could be dead by now and I would arrive just in time to see her lying in the sick bed motionless and soulless. Thinking how many times mom has been through this emotional roller coaster I am feeling right now for every time I went out to fight the damn monsters and battles. Thinking how I have not been grateful enough for all the times she had looked after me and been patient with me. I try to be a good kid, a good son, but I always had doubted myself, even when others tell me how great, how brave, how heroic I am. Sometimes, life really gives me lemons. Life is always testing me if I am worthy, if I deserve to live, if I am trustable. It is so hard. Expectations are high, results not as high, self-esteem keeps getting lower. What is it again? My mom’s dying? Oh, pfft, I’ve been through worse. Except, I haven’t. I have never and will never feel anything worse than losing mom. There are three most important characters in my life: mom, Annabeth and blue food. Losing one is suffer, and that is what’s happening right now. I cannot believe it.

“Yo, boss, we’re almost there,” Blackjack whinnied as we started to descend.

“Okay, thanks, bud,” I thanked. I put all the thoughts that has bothered me this whole trip aside. Annabeth was still shivering and so was I. The cold was getting to me, so was the worry.

“It’s okay. We’re still together,” Annabeth guaranteed in a hushed tone. I tensely nodded and hugged her tighter.

After we said bye to Blackjack and watch him fly off, we rushed into the hospital. Since mom got changed rooms after the last time I visited, I didn’t know which room she was in. So, I needed to ask the front desk. Once we got to there, I slammed my hands on the desk, which had startled a few nurses and patients, but I didn’t care.

“Where is Sally Jackson’s room?” I questioned with rage and anxiety, which most likely intimidated the nurse at the desk.

“U-uh, um, are you her relative-”

“Yes, I’m her son.”

“This?”

“Is my wife.”

“Oh okay. Um, lemme look it up...” as she went through her files in that slow-ass computer, I tapped my foot with impatience, while whispering “faster, faster” under my breath. Annabeth held my hand which was still on the desk. It calmed me a little, but I was still impatience with anger. “Room 401.”

I ran off without saying thanks or whatever. I saw the stairs right ahead, so I pushed through the door and dashed upstairs with raging speed. Thoughts came and go in my mind, but I was holding onto one: mom. I needed to see her, even if it was her final breath. I needed to see her every last living second. I needed to be with her. Tears formed in my eyes as I climbed four steps a time up to the fourth floor. 401 should be the first room. Finally, I reached the fourth floor and burst through the staircase door. All the people who were in the corridor look my way as I zipped down the corridor to the first room, which was on my right. When I got there, I grabbed onto the door frame and swung in with the momentum of my body. Once I saw her bed, I braked to a stop, which almost ruined my ankle.

There she was. As beautiful as ever. Lying is her bed with her whole body hooked onto life support. On the left of the bed was dad. He was leaned over in his chair with his hands supporting his head. His face was full of concern, yet full of understanding as well. Poseidon has lived through enough centuries to know what it feels like to see a mortal lover pass away. On the right of the bed was my step-dad, Paul Blofis. He was on his knees, holding onto mom’s hand. He had tear stains all over his face onto his neck. His glasses were foggy from tears. Mom must’ve had heard my footsteps, because she turned her head from Paul and looked at me. She still had that smile hung on her face. The smile that had brought me from tears back to sleep; the smile that had made me understand what motherly-love is; the smile that had made me love her so much; the smile that reminded me of home.

“You left Annabeth behind,” she whispered, when I heard footsteps and panting behind me. I turned at saw her all sweaty and leaned over to gasp for oxygen.

I chuckled, “sorry, Annabeth.” She just waved her arm, indicating me to go do me.

I turned back and walked up to her bed. Mom patted a spot right beside her waist. I went and sat. Her condition was terrible. Her skin was pale; her eyes sunken into their sockets; lips pale-grey; hair - well - she had no hair anymore, her arms were skinny, only skin over bones; her whole body was thin, too thin. It was a painful sight. In front of me was not an unattractive female; not an ugly person; not a sick-to-the-bones person; but my loving, caring, funny, amazing mom. In front of me was the person who had guided me to a way of light; the person who had taught me how to love; the person who understood me all the way; the person who loved me, even when I was different. I love my mom.

“Percy, my good son,” she took my hand and I held it, “I remember the day you were born crystal clear like the water. You were a big boy. You weighed 6 pounds, you know that?” she breathlessly chuckled, I chuckled, too, “it was such a pain giving birth to you. Your father was there,” she look at Poseidon. I took a second to look given I was extra emotional. “Poseidon stood next to me and held my hand when I squeezed. After painful hours, you arrived to the living world. The nurses had to wash you off, but I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t do it. I had to hold you in my arms to make sure Mr Immorals-Like-Me-Doesn’t-Have-Time-For-This saw you,” Poseidon smiled, with guilt, “and when he saw you,” she looked at me with those lovely eyes, “he grinned from ear to ear. He said he already sees potential in this little boy. One day he will be a leader to heros. He will be highly accepted in his world, where demigods and gods appear at. I believed him. I still do,” she took some shallow breaths and continued, “now look at my boy. All grown up. He’s a man now. A leader, just like Poseidon said. You have a lot in front of you, Percy. Your path is bright, even though what you went through was dark as hell, oh my gods,” she did a cringe face and I snorted, “but you still made through it, that means you will conquer anything as long as you believe in yourself. Right there, in your heart,” she strained to raised her arm a little, just so she could signal me to put our hands to my chest on top of my heart, “and you, darling,” mom said as I slowly put our hands down, turning her head to Annabeth who was balling next to me, “need to take care of my boy, Percy. He can be a brat sometimes, but I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to stop him-” “Mom!” “Figured.” “Annabeth!” “It’s true!” mom matter-of-factly stated, “and, Annabeth, you are the best girl I can ever ask to be Percy’s wife. I am so proud that you and Percy have made it all this way from the beginning to the end, you two have stayed together. Keep being awesome!” mom turned to Poseidon, “oh, dear, you have been such an amazing man, or god, I suppose. Everything about you is great. Although you have not been there for most of Percy’s life, you have made him as powerful as the waves and as courageous as the horse. Y-yeah, horses are cowards sometimes, but most of the time, they are brave and proud and elegant. I am probably just another mortal woman you have fallen in love with, but I promise you I’m more than that,” mom gave him a warning look and laughed it off, Poseidon grinned and scratched his beard, mom turned to Paul, “my love, I think I have told you everything I need to tell you, so whatever I say will be repetitive. You are exactly my dream man. I love you to the edge of the universe and back. Since the universe keeps expanding from the beginning until now and it’s still going, you know my love for you is infinity. I have so many things to thank you for and I think I’ve already thanked them all already. Every conversation with you reminds me of how we met every time,” mom started tearing up,” I love you, Blowfish, and I will forever more.” At this point, all of us have teared up, except Poseidon, because he is Mr I-Will-Not-Cry-Over-A-Mortal-Dying, although I can see his eyes getting bloodshot. Paul leaned in and gave mom a kiss on the lips. Tears were dripping all over his glasses. A loud sniffle came from Annabeth, “sorry, I must’ve caught the cold.” We all gave it a slight laugh.

We sat in silence, remembering all the good times we had with mom. From day to night, from start to end, from young to old. We all know how much mom means to us and how much we mean to mom. The heartbeat monitor’s used to be slow-but-steady beats start slowing down even more. We all suddenly start panicking from losing mom.

“My loves,” mom whispered painfully, “relax. Dying is what makes mortal lives so precious. Some may say we live to die, no we don’t. Just like we don’t start a book to finish it. We get intoxicated by the storyline as the characters drive us on a roller coaster of adventures. We see, feel, touch with them. Mortal lives may be short, but if we live with excitement and story at our fullest, once we die, we die pleasured, with no guilt. I love you all. Just like you all love me. Keep being awesome, keep loving, keep growing...” with that, she closed her eyes. The heartbeat monitor continues slowing and an alarm begins to ring.

“Mom? Mom! No, mom! Wake up! Don't go!” I broke down in tears and panic. We were all panicking and Poseidon was slightly in fright, but still in his chair. Doctors and nurses rushed into the door, while we were all still in panic. Then, mass chaos began with nurses pulling Paul who was still shouting mom's name; more nurses pulling Annabeth and I away as we struggle in their arms, hoping to make our way to mom; and a couple intimidated nurses leading Poseidon from his seat. Doctors ran checks and scribbled things on their boards, while we were all still screaming mom's name, crying till our clothes were soaked. After a bit, a steady beep was heard from the heartbeat monitor.

At this point, I couldn’t even hear myself or other people anymore. I only knew I was crying and screaming. Annabeth looked into my eyes with her sad, storm-grey eyes. She took my wrists and pulled me to her. She held me tight. Then all I could hear were loud beats of my heart. Annabeth squeezed me in her arms. All I could do was hold on weakly as I was barely able to even stand. She was talking to me, but I could only hear drowning mumbles and distinct screams.

Mom. I know you know this. I love you.

7-1-20

Your good son,

Percy

photo credit: http://www.drawingskill.com/art/29757

#pjo #percy jackson #annabeth chase #sally jackson #paul blofis #poseidon #fanfic #pjo fanfic

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theorynexus · 5 years ago

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Pseudo-Liveblogging: 2B

Your attempt to name John Egbert “Zoosmell Pooplord” has failed. It was an interesting attempt, considering “Zoosmell” at least relates to the “Biologist” part of his present “ectoBiologist” chumhandle, but Pooplord doesn’t really work all that well with it. On the other hand, at least you seem to have presciently related the joke name to his command to defecate upon his desk, and the name quite obviously relates well to that of Farmstink Buttlass, who is his (ecto-)biological sister. On that note, I am sure you are quite aware that Dave Strider and his (ecto-)biological sister, Rose Lalonde, will both also receive failed naming attempts. These shall be much less silly and much more insulting names, Iin2ufferable Priick and Flighty Broad respectively, shall be offered to them by the trolls Sollux Captor (who I have admittedly been spoiled into knowing is actually named Solluxander [which fits quite well with his theme, due to the fact that it is not only bending the rules {DOOM}, but also an example of an integrated “11″ {beenary code/dualism}], though I still have no idea what Pesterquest [I think that’s what it’s called] even IS, and am vague and uncertain as to what the implications for this are, other than it maybe having something to do with gender identity and Shrek) and Kanaya Maryam (respectively). The names are both rejected in spite of the fact that Rose Lalonde calls Dave an insufferable prick before Dave is given his name, and the additional fact that Dave calls Rose a flighty broad before her name is known. This was obviously played off as a laughable result of the MSPA Reader trying to “remember” these characters names, when the opportunity to name them first comes up. That this gag is brought up again in Hivebent very briefly (in such a way as to create symbolic connections between Karkat and Dave), and that it is connected to the Honorary Placronym concept the Alpha Kids’ side of the scratch both barely need or deserve mentioning. Neither does the fact that the naming jokes/ectobiology tie-ins continue in later examples.

Your true identity is the Ghosty Trickster. You earn that identity later in life not only via your mastery of the Breeze, which allows you to potentially dissolve into pure spirit/wind and thereby avoid damage; you also earn this title by ushering in the concept of Trickster Mode into the comic, and more importantly evoking the power of the Ultimate Juju (which contains a version of yourself and each of your friends at the time, and is ambiguously related to the Trickster Sucker/Lollipop[s] [which will likely be explained/elaborated upon via the Candy epilogue]), allowing you to play cosmic pranks such as causing your arm to appear across numerous points in various timelines and continuities, as well as allowing a more adept user to teleport themself and their friends fully to any point in space/time (perhaps in any reality), and thereby to further play tricks such as antagonizing the young Caliborn such that you and said friends become trapped in said juju (powering it until it is used as a weapon against him). ([{Caliborn DOES call him that, by the way, if anyone is forgetting--- or at least refers to his powers as “TRICKSY GHOST POWERS,” or something of the sort.}]) You are also the Heir of Breath, which is a mythological role which quite suits you, on account of the aforementioned identity. Breath is associated with the spiritual, by the way, which is likely your reason for the affinity for the paranormal. At the same time, however, it constantly feels like you are trapped-- stuck, if you will, in a manner which borders on the titular --not just in your home, and certainly not just in your room (which affords a nice view of the Breath Blue sky by means of its soon to be no-longer-confining window), but in a restrictive sort of life, filled with drudgery and inconvenient (yet friendly, in a coddling sort of way) ties with family, which contributes to the general feeling that you are bound to the earth, despite a destiny that clearly lies beyond it. Soon, that will change: you will become the first of your friend group to enter the Medium, though you will have paradoxically proven to have been there all along. You see, you have a Dream Self, which has been living on the moon of Prospit ever since you were born. In fact, paradoxically quite well before it, as well. This self is periodically exposed to the effects of the Eclipse, which allows you to dimly view visions of the future in Skaia’s clouds. Since you are not awake, there is no chance that you could remember anything consciously, but your subconscious mind has been influenced by these cloud visions for years. As such, your interests have been somewhat tailored to your future, and foreshadow things: particularly, the movies you are a fan of will both directly effect and reflect the events of your session in a foreshadowing and paradoxically interactive manner. Obviously, Con Air will directly lead into your skits wherein you hand a dirtied bunny to various children and pretend to unite with your beloved wife and daughter (yay, Candy timeline reflecting this with Roxy and Rose just a little bit, even if the relationship between John and Roxy supposedly doesn’t work out?). However, others are more subtle: Armageddon foreshadows the Reckoning, and its Deep Impact upon the Earth; Mac and Me and Little Monsters both suggest blossoming relationships (friendship or otherwise) between humans and monsters that look like Howie Mandel in weird monster makeup [with Karkat’s small horns possibly being a reference to the alien in Mac and Me, but I’m not sure]; Ghost Dad relates to Nannasprite, Ectobiological “fatherhood” over all of the Kids on John’s part, and of course Dad’s death (and post-death “haunting,” once John sees Jane’s father in the Alpha Kids’ session and/or before that, when the version that sacrificed himself for Davesprite’s sake met Vriska and then briefly saw a “Ghost Dad” in a Dream Bubble); Ghostbusters is just silly, though I guess it could maybe be a long-term reference to the eventual double deaths that start going around; otherwise, it is probably related to Slimer seeming like the ghost on John’s shirt, or just general paranormal silliness ([obviously, unleashing an evil god through a portal connecting two worlds has nothing to do with it]); aaaannnd... I can’t remember any of the other posters for now, and won’t be skipping ahead to see them, yet, considering I am doing this in a linear and sane manner. For years and years, you have been demented by the horrific image of a Clown Missing an Arm and an Eye, an insidious result of Gamzee Makara’s manifestation of his dark ancestral chucklevoodoos, which directly contributed to the destined destruction of your universe by means of Jack Noir (Blackjack, Ace of Spades, the Joker gone wild), whose black affections were made to boil and Rage by his Bardic inspiration-- so exceeding his natural affinity for the Black Queen that he would usurp her and become the Sovereign Slayer. By means of his Rage-inducing chucklevoodoos, you became mentally unstable, and would come to scrawl colorful images of harlequins upon your walls and posters in periodic fugues, much to your own later disappointment and shock. This would cause your Dad to embrace a hobby of collecting and gifting harlequins to his dear, sweet, adopted John in order to try to show he appreciated his twisted child and was attempting to relate to him. Throughout your childhood, you and your friends would attract the attention and ire of various other trolls, leading you to have a negative disposition toward the creators of your universe and to ironically lose much of your precious time early in the game disbelieving them or otherwise being unable to cooperate alongside the alien player group; whereas there would have been a good possibility that if they had contacted you after you had entered the game and declared they were another group of players, it would have been much more likely that you would have believed them. That might have smoothed things out significantly. Oh well. Them’s the 8r8ks. Speaking of, you would be patronized by a spider-themed troll who was particularly excited to insert herself into your personal progression and rise to godhood. That trolls name will remain a Sekret, at least for now. She is a very divisive and inter8sting character. While all of these aforementioned facts have a very important influence on your life and the progression of your story, the fact that you are descendant (by way of adoption) from Colonel Sassacre and Betty Crocker will also greatly shape the environment you grow up in. As will your interest in Harry Anderson and his biography. The latter person is not very much elaborated upon in the story, though his hole punching tricks are used to inspire advances in punch card-based alchemy. The former two, I shall address more when I reach pages relating more to them. In the meantime, I am thinking I might accelerate my schedule on reading the Candy epilogue. As I was attempting to look up the Wise Guy book so I could double check that Harry Anderson doesn’t come up as being, say, secretly the guy who, I may have slightly spoiled myself on it by seeing that there is a character named Harry Anderson Egbert, apparently, and I don’t want to expose myself to too much more potential spoiling. There are too many questions that fact generates by itself. (My guess would have to be that, if Terezi was correct about John and Roxy not working out, either the kid is born before they break up and therefore one of them takes up the traditional Homestuck role of being single parent to the child, or alternatively, John ends up adopting them as an apparently unnamed baby, continuing the tradition of a guardian discovering a mysterious seemingly abandoned child, possibly in debris of some sort. The former seems more likely, given the bitter taste that’s supposed to settle in after the sweet of the candy wears off.) Soooo... Yeah, I think I might do one more of these posts and then start up the other epilogue’s read. Or just start after this. I don’t know.

#Homestuck Spoilers #Homestuck Analysis #Homestuck Reread #John Egbert

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multi-muse-transect · 8 years ago

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Bad Moon Rising part 2

AU: A month later after the events of the uprising, Mira Wren Bridger sort of but not really embraces her destiny but not with the help of her team..... Little does she know, there’s a surprise waiting for her where she goes. Mira belongs to @meldy-arts and thank you to @hotsam1 who inspired me to write the Mira AU’s. You two are the best!

Mira Wren Bridger sits in front of grand admiral Thrawn or at least, director Thrawn in his office. Aqualae-the Rescue and Intelligence division’s homeworld-Is repairing itself after the sudden uprising of the Partisans whom were assisted by the crew of the Ghost to enter the planet. Mala Karn was eliminated after he blew himself up and almost killed Ophelia Saxon. But this meeting isn’t about that. It’s about Mira’s true upbringing or at least, her family. Thrawn and Mira never had any conflict though there was minor insubordination incident but nothing serious as she looked up to Thrawn greatly.

“Tell me Mira, your family.....Has anything changed after the incident?” Thrawn asks Mira while resting his chin on the back of his hands. Mira squints her eyes then sighs knowing she trusts Thrawn.

“Sir, the only thing that has changed is the fact I found out my parents are terrorists and murderers, that is all. They mean nothing to me I assure you.” Mira replied.

“Are you really sure about that? I’ve been hearing reports of insubordination and borderline hostile behavior from stormtroopers and other agents.” Thrawn countered on Thrawn’s words.

“I’ve been on edge lately alright? Last night’s events which caught us off guard. I lost friends there last night need I remind you sir.” Mira explained.

“Do you feel like you have any unfinished business?” Thrawn asks again. Mira’s eyes widen wondering how did Thrawn see through her.

“....I I think I do. I feel....This call. Like both sides are calling to me. The dark side and the light....I...I think I’m force sensitive.” Mira answered hoping Thrawn isn’t going to call the Knights of Ren on her. Thrawn has an unsurprising look on his face.

“The notion of the light side and the dark calling to you is a sign that your force abilities have been awakened. Usually they awaken once one comes to a realization of some sort...” Thrawn replied.

“So all I have to do is choose......Sir, what happens now?” Mira asks hoping she isn’t put into the Knights of Ren. She finds them creepy except for Kylo who she would get along with easily.

“I’ll inform the supreme leader about this. As of now, you must deal with your....Familial relations.” Thrawn explained before Mira gets up and nods.

“You and the First Order gave me everything.....I assure you, I’ll never betray you sir.” Mira assured.

“Your loyalty is most noted among us.” Thrawn replied before Mira walks away wondering what to do with her force powers.

Mira walks in the halls of the base after her meeting with Thrawn. The memory still haunts her now, how her mother and father reacted. How they....They still wanted her back. She still sees herself as a little monster....She wants to prove herself. Spite begins to build up in herself....Mira sighs and walks into the hanger as agents and troopers are doing drills.

She goes to her team who are hanging out near the gunship minding there own business. Mira builds up some courage knowing what she is about to say....Kallus Jr looks at Mira.

“How was the meeting with the director?” Kallus asks her. They group on her with worried looks in there faces....

“...Guys....He said I was good. But....What happened....This is my own journey. I need to know how to know more about me than all of you. I know we’re a team and we stick together.....But....I must seclude myself to find out who I am.” Mira explained.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Blackjack interrupted causing Mira to turn to the Mirialan who deactivates her helmet.

“Don’t you dare say that! We can’t just leave you! These guys are hard to the core rebels, like the OG ones from the early years before Luke Skywalker. They can eat you for breakfast. So sorry, we can’t just let you go alone at this.” She said.

“Veli, if you go after the spectres then they’ll go after you too. What makes them scary is that they act like us, they fight like us and think like us.” Mira countered.

“Well since they do, it’ll be a fair fight then. I heard all Mandolorians want a fair and challenging fight.” Zuke added before slamming his fist against the palm of his hand.

“We are a ragtag team of professionals, strategists, pilots, and soldiers. Your quote on quote-family-are a bunch of rebels who took advantage of the weakness in the Empire. We can take them on.” Kallus assured. Mira hangs her eyes in doubt.

“Mira, you are one of the founding members of fireteam sprectre. Our little group. We always support our own. That’s what makes us agents different from the stormtroopers.” Lena adds as Mira sighs.

“Fine.....I just need to know where to find a lightsaber.” Mira explained.

“Oh that’s easy! You could just find one in the market-”

“A working one Zuke.” The Mandolorian corrected the demolitions expert.

“Oh....Well then. Why can’t your dark saber suffice? It glows and cuts things with ease.” Zuke asks since she saw Mira in action with the thing.

“Perhaps though I feel since I am a force user, I should have a lightsaber. I asked Kylo Ren to train me with the thing. That and I feel we should gather some intel on them....” Mira replied as Kallus nodded. Mira was always the smart one in the group and has almost Thrawn-like intellect. Little do they know, Ophelia Saxon is hearing there conversation causing her to lean.

“You wish to find a working lightsaber? I know where....But I think we’ll run into your old family.” Ophelia explained getting the team’s attention.

“Ophie? Why help in this?” Blackjack asks suspiciously. Ophelia is known to be a bit of a mother bear to all the agents.

“I consider Mira family and she has been my friend also student back at basic.” She replied. The rest of her team join in.

“We’ll assist you to where you’re going.” Saxon said.

“.....Saxon, what is this place?” Mira fearfully asks.

“Years ago, count Dooku assembled a bunch of padawans to his side and hid in Krownest. His padawans were said to have been killed by Jango Fett or clan Wren also left behind crates of lightsabers. Though legend tells that this area used to be an ancient Jedi battleground between the Ordu Espectu versus the other Jedi forces in the area.” Saxon explained to them.

“Krownest......” Lena hangs her eyes in curiosity since she remembers the name from before then lifts them up back at her.

“That’s where clan Wren lives.....” She said upon realization as Ophelia nods.

“We’ll be expecting a firefight if we go down there.” Kallus added.

“We’re coming down there cloaked and also it’s in the remote parts of the planet. They’ll never see us coming in or out.” Ophelia replied. The team looks at each other then looking back at her.

“But does the director know of this.....Operation?” Lena asks.

“Agents are given full autonomy if its a personal situation. We don’t need to inform the director since it is part of the code.” Ophelia said. Kallus crosses his arms.....

“It is settled then. We’ll be going to Krownest, find the place where there are lightsabers and then head back home.” He decided.

Sabine and Ezra look at the frozen lake. The events of last week still haunt them....That was her. There little girl who is now a member of the First Order. At first they thought she was a stormtrooper but this was unexpected. The notion that she is a rescue and intelligence agent makes things much more difficult.

“From what I’ve heard from Poe.....The scary thing about them is that they care about there own. Unlike normal stormtroopers, they’d go back to save them. It makes you think that our situation isn’t so black and white.....” Ezra spoke.

“I know....Which makes me think if she wants to be with us or not after what we did.....” Sabine replied with a pang of hopelessness her voice.

“Sabine, I sensed conflict within her. I knew why she turned the gun on herself and it wasn’t out loyalty out of the First Order.” Ezra explained.

“Then what was it? Hatred and spite?”

“No. She’s scared....She’s scared that she would end up hurting others to whom she’s closest to. She believed to save them is to just die so they’ll all be safe.....” The Jedi answered. Sabine’s eyebrows raise then lower before sighing in sadness. She never wanted to see her little girl like that.

“Self sacrifice is from you I guess and the tenacity is from me. I guess she was noble enough to be chosen for them....They turned her inside out and now she thinks we’re the bad guys.” Sabine insisted.

“Sabine, I looked into her mind. She’s hurting deep down inside. The First Order basically made her hurt herself and the only person in her life she loved she left just to protect her. We need to bring her back to us....To her.” Ezra suggested.

“Her? Well I’m not surprised, I did have girlfriends prior to having you. So who’s the lucky gal?” The countess asks before turning around with a small smile on her face knowing she inherited her charm.

“Her name is Rey. She was hiding in Lothal after Mira mustered enough credits for her to have a normal life there.” Ezra explained.

“She said she’s the most kindest and fair trooper. She was different from all of them and that’s what made her special.” He continued.

“She pleaded to us not to hurt her.....” Ezra sorrowfully adds.

“This is going to be difficult than we thought....We can’t just get Rey on our side to get her to join ours....” Sabine replied and hangs her eyes again. Ezra places his hands on hers.

“Then we’ll do this together. Our child needs us more than ever.” Ezra said before Sabine kisses him in the lips. Meanwhile, Kanan meditates in his room.....He senses something. Its her. Its Mira. His eyes open before he gets up then walks to the balcony where Ezra and Sabine are.

“She’s here.” Kanan informed.

The gunships decloak while arriving on Krownest which is the west side of the planet. The first gunship lands as the side door opens to reveal Kallus Jr, Zuke, Blackjack, and Mira while Convor stays. A second one lands to reveal Ophelia Saxon and her team, the Shadow Devils, a name based off of the Shadow Collective which her father used to work for under Maul.

Mira looks at the place. Turns out the ancient battleground theory is slightly right. There are skeletal corpses of dead Jedi’s with lightsabers on the ground. She aims her rifle left and right before giving the sign the coast is clear. They begin to follow her as she leads the way. Blackjack whistles at the sight of the dead bodies of Jedi’s...Most of them have lightsaber slashes on there chest and some stab marks on them.

“Well this is a fantastic sight....” Ophelia muttered. Mira kneels on the ground and picks up a lightsaber. She presses the button causing it to activate as the blade ignites causing her to smile but it begins to overheat in the process so she turns it off. Mira removes the cap revealing the kyber crystal is cracked so she removes it and places it in her pocket.

“Need to make one.....” Mira spoke to herself before picking up the empty handle. Meanwhile, a Shadow Devil agent alongside his team are busy scouting the area.....Only to hear a sound. They look up to see the ghost flying towards them alongside an escort.

“Oh shit....” An agent cursed then runs towards Ophelia. The Mandalorian turns to them.

“Mame, they know we’re here.” He informed. Ophelia raises her eyebrows before turning to Kallus.

“We’ll be on the offensive line to hold them off.....If Sabine Wren is there, then it will be personal.” Ophelia informed knowing a Wren killed her father.

The Shadow Devil’s set up charges on the trees so they can fall and deter the incoming threat. Ophelia leans and zooms in....Heading up towards them is Sabine, Ezra, Kanan, Zeb, Tristan, Fenn Rau, and many more Mandalorians with them.

“Hey mam, can’t Jedi read our minds?” An agent asks while aiming his F11D blaster. Opehlia turns to him.

“Yes....It will only be a matter of time until they find out. We set up those charges for a reason you know.” Ophelia replied. The agent nods and returns to focusing on them.

“Alright ya’ll....This is probably the end but If I die-Which is a high chance cause they have Jedi’s-You tell Thrawn I did some awesome shit! Okay? Its been real.” Another agent commented. Ophelia rolls her eyes alongside her right hand man and also husband, Fordo.

“When has ever a man die under my command?” She asks.

“None but I think this is going to be the first time it happens.” He replied. Ophelia pulls out the detonator.....Kanan and Ezra stop for a moment sensing the team. An agent nods to Ophelia and presses the button of the detonator. Ezra’s eyes widen.

“Everyone, get to cover!” Ezra warned before the charges set off making a wall of explosions and knocking down trees causing them to roll and almost hit them but they take cover in the process. The squad gets out of cover and start firing at the group with Ophelia noticing Sabine who is peering out of cover. Unlike her father, Ophelia knows how to keep her temper and knows humility which is a trait her mother has as she calms down her father a lot. The Mandalorians peer out of cover and return fire while Ezra and Kanan head out cover and start blocking the shots.

“Well shit, they know seresu!” Fordo cursed before tossing a grenade at them to whom Kanan uses the force to catch the grenade then throws it back at the squad. Fordo shoots the grenade causing it to explode. Ophelia notices a Mandalorian sneaking up on her husband from a tree so she aims her blaster at him and shoots him down saving him. Fordo lowers his blaster and nods before noticing another one sneaking up on her so he quickly shoots him. Ophelia turns around and looks at the dead trooper then looks back at Fordo and smiles underneath her helmet. Ezra and Kanan block the laser bolts while walking towards them slowly with a couple of Mandalorians with them.

“We are being overrun!” An agent yelled.

“Fallback!” Ophelia commanded.

“You heard her, fallback now!” Fordo ordered before a Mandalorian sneaks up on him causing him to turn around and shoot his rifle at his chest then noticing another one behind them and slams the rifle butt at his face which knocks him on the ground then shoots him. Another Mandalorian runs up to him but Fordo throws his rifle at his face then pulls out his pistol before shooting him in the face. He picks up another rifle and shoots another incoming Mandalorian in the face while firing his pistol at the same time and slowly walks backwards to rejoin her team.

A group of clan wren Mandalorians surround Ophelia causing her to stand down for a moment while her squad watches her. A soldier runs up to her causing her to flip him over then shoot him in the face before another one aims his rifle but she hits him in the face with the rifle then in the head thus knocking him out before shooting more of his comrades. Sabine then notices the agent and shoots her rifle off of he as Kanan and Ezra surround her.. Ophelia turns to her men.

“RUN!” She ordered.

“Ophie-” Fordo is pulled back by an agent as they run away. Ophelia takes her helmet off in humility and sign that she yields before kneeling on the ground.

“Wren....” Ophelia growled.

“Ophelia Saxon.....” Sabine replied before a Mandalorian picks her up.

“What are you doing here?” Ezra asks.

“We believe there’s a Partisan base here, that’s all Mr. Bridger. Just trying to help and keep the peace like an agent always does.” Ophelia sternly replied.

“Then how come Mira came with you?” She suddenly falls silent while glaring at them.

Fireteam spectre regroups with the Shadow Devils as Kallus Jr notices that Ophelia is gone causing him to think the worst. They are desperately trying to contact Mira but she isn’t responding. The rest of clan Wren arrive and open fire as Zuke uses his blastmill to suppress them. A gunship almost hits the Mandalorians but they get out of the way as Convor gives them suppressing fire.

“Thanks Tua!” Blackjack thanked the pilot.

“I won’t last long, I’m being chased by another bogie! Fuck, she’s making another run at me!” Convor replied before she flies off while being pursued by the ghost. Zeb goes behind cover and throws a concussion grenade at them which knocks them all down....

The only one standing is Blackjack and Kallus Jr. Blackjack pulls out her inquisitor lightsaber and blocks the shots from the soldier while Kallus picks up Zuke’s blastmill and starts firing. Zuke regains consciousness as the soldiers surround his teammates as Kallus is hit in the shoulder then knocks a soldier on the ground and shoots him in the face....A foot stands next to him and he hears the ignition of an orange lightsaber and dark saber. The Mandalorians turn around and see Mira armed with an orange crossguard lightsaber and dark saber. They aim there guns at her but she uses her rocket to speed towards them and cut on in half before swinging it towards another one’s head.

Ezra, Sabine, Kanan, and many more of the Mandalorians arrive as they notice the dark saber on Mira’s hands. Among them is a captive Ophelia Saxon. The Shadow Devils alongside fireteam spectre aim there guns at the group.

“Mira Wren Bridger.....” Sabine addressed.

“Don’t call me that traitor.” Mira hissed.

“But that is your real name. Stand down and we’ll let Ophelia go.” The countess bargained.

“Don’t you dare!” Ophelia yelled.

“I’m sorry mother, but my loyalty stands with the First Order. Look at what you fought for, especially with the New Republic. You fought for weakness. If you hadn’t betrayed the empire, you would have been wearing this armor long before.” Mira replied.

“The only person who fought for weaknesses is you. Please come back to us Mira, these people aren’t your family. You’re a Wren and a Bridger, not an agent. We’re your family.....And family never leave each other in the dark.” Sabine pleaded. Silence falls on them....Mira looks at the dark saber and her lightsaber. The only time Mira felt attached to anyone was either Phasma or Rey....Now this group, this....Family or what she calls it, wants to take her in. Another group wants her in besides the First Order. She doesn’t trust the Resistance, but she doesn’t know if she can trust her family. Mira grits her teeth in reluctance.

“Ni cuy' nayc Wren ra Bridger. Bal Ni troch vaabir not ganar a aliit. Val ru'ash'amur a munit ca'nara ago. (I am no Wren or Bridger. And I certainly do not have a family. They died a long time ago.)” Mira answered. The words hit Sabine in the heart knowing her own daughter denied her....She can feel the sting her words, especially when its in Mando’a. But at the same time, she can see through Mira’s plan-To test if they really love her or see her as just another ally they can use.

“I won’t fight you Mira and I know you won’t kill us.” Ezra stated as Mira’s eyes widen. Rage pents up inside her knowing her plan didn’t go well as expected. Mira roars and runs towards Ezra who gets out of the way as Mira quickly turns around before Ezra activates his lightsaber to block Mira.

“You’re scared!” Ezra yelled as Sabine tries to intervene but Kanan grabs her shoulder. Mira lets the blades go while swinging at Ezra who dodges left and right.

“Lies!” Mira replied before slamming the blades again at Ezra. Ezra deactivates his saber and gets out of the way causing Mira to fall on the ground before getting up. She tries to swing at Ezra’s foot but he leaps over her while she swings the dark saber but misses him.

“Face it! You shun everyone out of your life! Anyone who shown love and affection to you! First Rey, now us! Will your team be next!?” Ezra asks before Mira deactivates her dark saber and pulls out her pistol then starts firing at Ezra. He uses the force to pull at her pistol which causes her to switch to the dark saber next. Mira swings both blades at Ezra to which he blocks.

“That’s not true!” Mira replied as they vie for control. Kanan could see himself in Ezra’s place knowing he did that.

“Then what is it!? What are you so scared about!? I want the truth!” Ezra yelled at. Mira sighs and builds up her anger within her.

“The truth....IS THAT EVERYONE WHO GETS CLOSE TO ME IS ONE STEP AHEAD OF BEING IN DANGER!” Mira yelled. Ezra loosens his grip on his saber before letting go. Mira slams the saber as Ezra moves it to block her.

“MY GIRLFRIEND!” Another hit is made.

“MY GUARDIAN!” Ezra falls on the ground while blocking Mira before getting up and still block her.

“MY BROTHER IN ARMS!” She aims for her father’s foot again but he blocks them.

“NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM,I KNEW I WOULD PUT THEM IN DANGER!” Mira makes a quick swing but Ezra blocks it again.

“EVERYTHING I DID WAS TO PROTECT OTHERS! TO PROTECT THEM FROM ME!” The two circle each other.

“I KNEW I WAS A THREAT. SO I ACCEPTED MY FATE! I KNEW I WAS DESTINED TO BE ALONE!” Mira slams her saber against Ezra’s but she swings it to the left and then kicks him on the ground before raising her dual blades.

“AND NOW.....” She pauses for a moment.....

“Its happening again. I’m getting people hurt left and right...I’m better off alone. I’m better off forgotten.” Mira stops and looks down at Ezra. She deactivates her lightsaber before kneeling on the ground.

“I’m a weapon. A weapon destroys anything in its path....” She choked. Ezra gets up as Sabine joins him. Mira begins to sob.

“You’re trapped in a prison. One you made of your making....Its up to you to truly to protect others. The First Order isn’t the way.” Ezra said.

“The First Order helped me....They gave me a home.” Mira rises as Ophelia walks towards her team while no one is noticing as Fordo releases her cuffs.

“They raised me. Gave a life....I don’t know if I can just leave. Leave friends and family...For a one who I don’t know much about.” She goes back to her team. Blackjack realizes how conflicted Mira is.

“Mira....I think its best for you to join them. We’ll tell Thrawn-”

“No! Lets just get out of here....” Mira replied. Kallus hangs his eyes underneath his clone helmet before Convor comes back. Among the group that is with Ezra and Sabine, Dawn is among them watching. She knows how conflicted she is. The hatch opens as Convor comes out armed with a pistol.

“Stand down!....Its a draw.” Kallus ordered before Convor lowers her pistol. Fireteam spectre and the Shadow Devils head back to there respective ships. Mira is the last to enter.

“Hey.” Mira pauses causing her to turn around to see Dawn. The Mandalorian Imperial takes off her helmet.

“If you’re thinking of coming back to us, just let us know. We’ll always be here.” Dawn hands a chip to Mira as she catches it. The gunships fly off as the crew of the ghost watch.

Kallus, Blackjack, Zuke, and Mira sit on the benches of the gunship. Mira looks at her helmet as the visor reflects off of her face.

“So was your mission a success? Did you find what you were looking for?” Blackjack asks.

“No...No....Perhaps some other time.” Mira replied.

Mira sits on her bed before putting the chip into the data reader. A hologram pops up....Its a picture of her as a baby riding on Sabine’s back while Ezra stands next to them smiling. Beside Ezra is Kanan, Hera, Zeb, Kallus Jr’s father, Fenn Rau, and Dawn. She notices an icon underneath which stands for next so she presses it. Tears stream from Mira’s eyes upon seeing it making her remember good times when she was a trooper.

Its a picture of Rey and her. Its a selfie she took with Rey after using a droid camera. Mira wipes her tears away then deactivates.

Its been a year since the encounter in Krownest, Mira has gotten better with her saber abilities and force but is still garbage at the same time. She walks in the hallways while holding her helmet. Mira heard about the destruction of the Republic, the First Order made themselves a target now.

“Hey you heard about that girl Kylo Ren captured?” A trooper asks a worker. This causes Mira to pause then walk back at them.

“What girl?”

#star wars rebels #ezra bridger #sabine wren #mira wren bridger #dawn syndulla #rey #sabezra #knights of ren mira #knights of ren au #prequel #kanan jarrus

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alejandrotreadwa-blog · 6 years ago

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allforshow93bsqo476-blog · 6 years ago

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“Yes.” I was firm to provide him everything he wanted.

“What kind of Gentlemen do you prefer?” he questioned.

Considering James Bond motion pictures, I stated: “Another person like Pierce Brosnan. Somebody who requires cost. Anyone trendy.”

“I am able to absolutely take cost,” he said.

I took a sip of my Kool-Assist. “6-pack?” I questioned. Now was time for me to be demanding; usually it wouldn’t seem real. Using a six-pack was a matter I’d listened to was desirable.

“Probably not,” he reported. “But I have one from the fridge.”

I laughed. Probably this man was wonderful.

What followed was my initial-at any time cybersex session, with him typing suggestive remarks and me typing, “Mmmh,” which looked as if it would perform for him.

My masquerade went on for months. I became a learn of giving Gentlemen the things they wished. The sheer amount of fascinated Adult men meant I might be picky, as well. I wished a conventionally handsome and pretty youthful gentleman. And considering the fact that I was a woman of these types of higher caliber, I didn’t Believe it absolutely was an excessive amount of to question.

I personalized my story to suit the opposite participants’ passions. I had been married with two young children. I'd a prosperous husband who couldn’t fulfill me sexually. We lived in a massive glass household with a private Seashore in one of Helsinki’s most distinctive suburbs. And due to the fact I had been a bored, lonely housewife, I normally required anyone to come back around and care for issues.

I discovered newbie pictures of naked women on line to send on the men and patched up regardless of what incongruities emerged: “The picture doesn’t Use a experience simply because I don’t want my partner to understand I’ve been submitting my shots on the net” or “I never give my quantity to strangers right until I’ve gotten to understand them very well ample.”

The back story also authorized me an escape just in case my dad and mom obtained household. “My partner just walked in, so I need to go now,” I would say. “Can’t wait around to talk to you quickly.”

I preferred this online seduction A great deal greater than I imagined I would. I explained to myself it was the Risk: of obtaining caught, of fooling the Gentlemen, of breaking rules. Whatever the scenario, I’d grow to be addicted. Each day right after school, I'd personally keep on my quest for the ideal gentleman.

That’s After i stumbled on Jussi. He described himself as a person who was 23, beloved the gym and had a 6-pack. He played ice hockey and basketball, masculine sports I’d usually wished to be superior at. But he was emotive much too. He despatched me messages such as, “You sound like an unbelievable lady” and “I'm able to feeling these types of heat in these messages of yours.”

He questioned me the usual thoughts: What are you donning? Exactly where do you like to do it? How do you like it?

I provided my standard answers: I used to be donning absolutely nothing (“I just acquired out of your shower and love to cool my body In a natural way”). I preferred executing it on just about every floor of the home and especially in public sites. All of the yoga I did designed me very adaptable, And that i beloved staying lifted up and twisted into adventurous sexual positions.

But then he started to look at what he hoped to uncover on the positioning: specifically, a romantic relationship that was actual and significant. I agreed I had been tired of sleeping all around far too. Typically I blocked a man at the time he began to insist on Conference in person, but Jussi was affected individual and sweet. I desired to continue conversing with him.

We logged in at the same time, day following day. I altered the routine around my school days by expressing, “I’ll ought to fall off the kids initially, so I gained’t be home right until three p.m. tomorrow.” He worked night time shifts for allforshow93 cam a safety guard, so he was constantly on-line Once i desired him being.

After a few weeks, he reported: “Can we meet presently? Please Charlotta.” He explained to me that he was Sick and tired of chatting Which if I didn’t say Sure, he wouldn’t think I was a true man or woman.

What we experienced was serious to me, and I didn’t desire to disappoint him. So I agreed.

We set a date for seven p.m. each week later. We agreed to meet on a street corner in the center of Helsinki, mere blocks from the place I lived. I hoped we'd figure out one another just because we had been chatting for therefore very long and experienced this sort of a powerful relationship.

As the times passed, nevertheless, the impossibility of it started to dawn on me. Even though I were to go meet him and have previous the First explanations, I could never come to be what he imagined me to get. And another thing dawned on me at the same time: I was starting to know I might be gay, and that’s why I was various from everyone else.

At seven p.m. that evening, my mother set sausages and French fries on the desk for dinner. I sat in silence, answering her questions having an absent-minded yes or no. Taking a look at the clock, it strike me: Jussi was now standing out while in the chilly evening, by yourself.

I wondered how long he would wait: Twenty minutes? 30? An entire hour? Would he camp out at a nearby cafe although wistfully on the lookout out of the window, hunting the passing group for Charlotta’s face?

I imagined him sitting around the bus on his way dwelling for the suburbs, hoping there’d been a mix-up: I’d both overlooked the day or mistaken time. I imagined him logging on to the chat room and scanning the checklist for my consumer name, only to return up empty: I’d blocked him to verify I didn’t have to read through by any excruciating messages.

A few several hours just after dinner, my mother came to knock on my doorway to tell me it absolutely was bedtime. As I lay by itself in the dark, I felt a similar loneliness Jussi have to have been sensation.

I would like there had been a way for me to inform him what his on-line companionship intended to me: That he had designed it possible for me to generally be myself inside of a strictly gendered world of Pamela Andersons and James Bonds. That he experienced helped me believe I had been funny, fascinating and price speaking to. That he had, if only by his presence, built it feasible for me to start to approach my sexuality.

By pretending for being somebody I was not, I'd shown him my genuine self, one particular I were too worried to expose to any person else. And in the end, I had been in the position to embrace that true self, an acceptance that may allow me — many years later on, as an Grownup in Ny city — to find real appreciate as an actual individual.

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