#given the absolute shit months july/august were

[pedgito]

feeling especially emo this morning about my silly online friendships. i love you all, even if we speak once a month. once a week. daily. or if we haven't spoken in a while but we interact on tumblr often. i appreciate it all and this special bubble we all live in online. anyways sorry for being weird and sappy on a random thursday it won't happen again i swear

[f1blrcreatorsfest]

fest credits & acknowledgements;

an author’s note by yours truly, ames ivettel <3

"oh, wow..." was pretty much all i could say as i scrolled through the f1blrcreatorsfest23 tag on the evening of august 1st. i was in a hotel room with some of my best friends in the world, all of us piled on a single bed, my laptop balanced precariously in the air as i passed around tumblr posts like a blunt, and already, i was floored by the initial response to the fest. little did i know that my mind would continue to be blown.

not to ruin the illusion, but going into the month, i was so stressed and scared that things wouldn’t happen—literally, the day the festival launched, we were still doing prep work. fio and i had committed to a morning of Getting Life Shit Done, and while she did more important stuff, i was on after effects finishing up the launch post and rushing through the caption (and bothering her 💀). i hit post and went to touch grass, already kind of having given up on things going smoothly… and i came back to the best chaos i’ve ever seen, along with the feeling that i was completely out of my depth.

honestly, if i’d run this behemoth of an event completely by myself, i’m sure it would have flopped early. not for lack of trying, mind, but simply because running a community festival is a team game at heart; you need input from others if you want to make something big for others!

so, with that said, i’d love to give credit where credit is due. i hope you’ll join me in giving a standing ovation to these stellar individuals!

first and foremost, a massive shoutout to barbi @brawn-gp for kickstarting the idea in the first place: a racing sideblog that prompts community challenges for motorsportblr. the very foundation this fest is laid on is because of you! thank you also for running the queue for most of the month and being so meticulous with the tagging system—our blog would not be here without you!

next, thank you to kyle @princemick and riel @azrphales for your work doing posters and being active members of the exec team! as i tried to chase people down to vote on big decisions, your quick input was a sigh of relief—a sign that others wanted this fest to happen just as badly. your promo work was literally invaluable in getting this to take off and stay strong. thank you both for your work post-launch (additional planning + sideblog modding)! a special thank you to kyle for being so active in the discord server and supporting our participants, also for participating so much in the fest itself <3

another big thank you to garnet @garnetaldebaran! your suggestions were incredibly insightful and thoughtful while trying to create the fest’s schedule and events. you really came through with the organization of our first sprint, which proved so helpful when organizing the second and third. and the creations you made for the fest on top of it all? absolutely gorgeous!

to nico @userscuderia and fio @maranello, thank you for lighting the inspirational fire we needed to get ideas flowing on what we could do in addition to weekly themes! the very concept of our sprint challenges, our silly f1-themed guidelines, and our motivation for most of july are thanks to you!

finally: nami @boyfrombarbados, emma @dannysricciardo, and ginevra @leclerqued, thanks for rolling with the changes to the video editing server / joining the pitwall on the fly! your comments were great and helped us define how we wanted to shape our fest identity.

i set out, initially, to try and change the culture around f1blr—to show noncreators that there is so much talent that exists in the fanbase, and that to keep us going, pretty much all we ask for are reblogs. maybe even a nice comment or two! it’s been made pretty clear, however, that the lack of interaction and interest in supporting creators stretches far, far beyond our reach.

that said, not all hope is lost! if this fest has done anything, i think it’s encouraged people to try new things artistically and really push the boundaries of what it means to make a #f1edit. at the end of the day, isn’t that what this is all about? being on the side of art, encouraging creation, fostering support? if we can continue to push ourselves—and really enjoy the act of creating—doesn’t our spirit count for anything? 

so i’ll sign off on this by saying one last thing: stay passionate about the beauty you give to the world. it matters, regardless of the notes, the likes, and the comments; it matters, and most of all, you matter.

thank you, everyone! a gold star for each of you ⭐️

-xo ames

[theinyshlobster]

camp zero by michelle min sterling [review]

read from july 27th - august 2nd

review

first and foremost — YO I JUST MET MY 2024 READING GOAL! 60TH BOOK OF 2024 WHO CHEERED!

anyways i need to be real. this book was really confusing for my tiny little pea brain. i will admit i think i might have liked this story a bit more if i had read it at a different time. like im so serious i have no critical thinking right now. changing to a new antidepressant coupled with a cold? yeah i have about zero reading comprehension at the moment so take everything i say critiquing this book with a grain of salt. hell i might come back to this book in 6 months and give it an extra star cuz i did really enjoy this book at times! but idk i don’t think i can give this 4-stars when i was confused for a good chunk of the book 💀

most of my confusion i think comes from what the character’s motivations are and why they’re doing xyz. rose, judith, the barber, the foreman, garreth & merley or whatever the fuck his name was, none of their motivations made logical sense to me. yet again i am not one to talk about logic when i am literally noncoherent in daily conversations & my memory is of a goldfish. like gun to my head i cant figure out what the M guy’s actual goal was, or damien/damian (i’m gonna go with the ‘a’ spelling & if im wrong sue me). i am still confused by that.

i am also confused about the time period this takes place in, as well as the actual setting. yeah i know its in canada and its snowy and shit. but like do the girls live in a mall? where is gareth living? what even was the camp supposed to be?

the ending was lowkey kinda fire, i did not see those reveals coming (but tbh you could’ve given me a mystery novel where the killer literally confessed on the first page & i still would’ve been blindsided at the moment). i really loved the white alice chapters and as things slowly started to make more sense i was having the time of my life. but when those reveals only come with 20% of the book left….. i mean like i said i cant 4-star it.

the characters themselves were….. fine. rose was likeable most of the time. i really couldn’t work out her motivations or her true thoughts by the end. willow was also fine. judith was meh. the other blooms were literally non-characters. garreth was insufferable. the rest of the male characters were fine. i still don’t really get the barber’s motivations by the end regarding him & rose but 🤷 im not mad at it. same applies to M-guy what the fuck was he trying to do at the end. numbskull

the plot was… Ok! the actual story felt like it was going nowhere, but like i said i absolutely loved the white alice chapters. give me an entire book expanding on those chapters & im sold. those chapters kinda remind me of ‘i who have never known men’ and i adored that book so!

the preachy messages about the patriarchy and men sucking got tiring at times. yes i know men suck. they are opportunists and shallow and see women as objects and blah blah blah. sorry you’ve said your message to me, now do something with it. i mean the book kind of did at the end with white alice & rose but… idk more should’ve been done with that. i really liked the grimy vibe of this book. idk what more to say about that it had a real edgy vibe that i liked.

i have a feeling this review is all over the place (when are my reviews not) but anyways. i had a good time. i found this book average. probably shouldn’t have read this whilst my brain is mush. i defo want to come back to this in the future and see if i enjoy it more when i can actually think coherently. anyways off i go to increase my reading goal now that ive met it with *checks calendar* FOUR MONTHS LEFT OF 2024.

god speed

[fishmech]

on the myopia of people who have barely been online reminiscing on bullshit that never happened

Recently found the corresponding website for the short-lived print magazine "Internet Underground" - a magazine that had been founded by a major publisher in 1995 to capitalize on the previous year's opening of the internet beyond (generally) educational/research institutions, the government, the military, and related contractor corporations. Essentially the way it was founded is that they just hired a bunch of college students and people freshly out of college on journalism and design majors because they knew that a) they could pay them like shit in exchange for giving them Real Publishing Jobs to put on a resume and b) the colleges they were hiring out of had established internet usage.

This essay complaining about how the author believed the internet and web in particular of early 1997 was so fallen from the glory days of 1995 accompanied the 4th to last published issue of the magazine - the whole publication went bust with the "July/August 1997" issue of the magazine. What I find absolutely hilarious about it that by his own admission on his user profile elsewhere on the site is that at this point he hadn't even spent a full 2 years online - and for that matter I, personally, had been first online as a small child by late 1994!

So I can say unequivocally that this guy was kinda full of shit. Because by the time this dude, by his admission, first started using the web there were already thousands of commercial websites and ads and all that nonsense happening. And the internet was very small then, so the fact that it was thousands was very notable.

Let's put this in perspective: by the end of 1994 the web had hit approximately 10,000 distinct websites. Among the very very commercial website already existing by the end of 1994 was Bloomberg, MTV, Wired Magazine (who pioneered banner ads in 1994), the BBC (operating restricted commerical projects for funding related reasons), Cybersell (a site that was an open seller of spamming services, the worst form of ads), The Economist, First Virtual (something of a predecessor to paypal), Pizza Hut (which started online pizza ordering, albeit with the 1994 offerings being restricted to Santa Cruz, California deliveries), Powells Books, and VirtuMall (a service that provided ecommerce functions for a bunch of big name businesses). And that's not even counting all the piles of military contractors, computer/software companies, and all the rest that had already been online sometimes as far back as the 60s, and had had long established marketing presences as that started to become allowed in the late 80s! Yes, we're talking shit from IBM to Raytheon.

And sure, there were a lot of "amateur" and "hobbyist" sites. But there's a very key thing to keep in mind here - the vast majority of that was on university/corporate servers with space provided for hosting to students/faculty/employees and thus already under the thumb of some pretty big institutions - and if you crossed arbitrary lines you could get your access pulled pretty quickly. A lot of others were of course paid hosting at already established multimillion dollar companies, and people being given favors of free subhosting (one of the sites the guy mentions in the article is one of the cases, and the moaning over how the site had to hop providers is very funny). And then of course, if you basically had a pretty decent source of income, you could pay substantial amounts of money to host for yourself. This was not really a world where just anyone could hop in and be able to show off what they were doing!

Why's this all important? Basically we still see the same shit happening today but people tell the myth of the "non-corporate internet" about increasingly more ridiculous times to do so, like the 2000s, or even the early 2010s! And usually what it ends up being is that x time they think is non-corporate is around about the time that the person started first actively using the internet, when they were typically much more impressed by using it vs able to accurately notice who was controlling shit. And this guy is the same way, he gets online in fuckin May 1995 and he hasn't yet started paying attention to the full scope of the internet yet, so he remembers that time as just the cool weird sites he saw without giving it much thought. But we cut to March 1997 and he's already been working on a whole ass magazine about the internet, both as writer and webmaster, and so now he can really notice trends that were already very in place when he started.

But he doesn't bother to put it together, he just lets his vague memories of "22 months ago was great!" be his guidepost. E-commerce and advertising and all the rest was already responsible for many many millions of dollars spent and invested before he ever logged on, but he interprets it as a development that happened after he started using the internet. It's very reminiscent of the people today who choose to believe that there's only X evil corporate sites around anymore, and this article shows the same frankly blinkered and myopic view of the internet has been repeatedly popping up for a solid 24 years lol.

[lwt28brave]

369 free merch + promo + singles

Welcome to another ramble by me because I am bored and can't help but think that the free merch thing has to mean something. Or not, because... expect the unexpected. I won't bring anyone else into the conversation but I'm incorporating some messages I sent into a GC pretty much unchanged.

There’s been a lot of talk surrounding the fact that we got studio pictures and then radio silence again, which I agree it’s not nice but not unheard of. And I know we all joked about the possible meanings of 369 but, after all, nothing really pointed to July 15th other than circumstantial evidence (a year it’s 365. 369 could be a year + four days. We don’t know when to start counting, but hey, July 11th is the day he left Syco, let’s start there because it seems important to him. Last year had 366 days, anyway).

The rest is under cut because this got out of hand pretty fast.

Let me preface this by saying I don’t think 18 months it’s such a long time for an artist not to release new music, but I understand that the circumstances might play into why the fandom is so on edge. As someone who’s been there for all of Louis solo career, I get why people might look at everything going on and have 2017 flashbacks. I get them from time to time. I remember him saying the album was ready to go, I remember the shift with Miss You and his tweets full of frustration, I remember TXF. And I wish to take a glimpse into 2021-Louis-brain too, let’s be honest, because Walls might have come out in 2020 but half of the songs were written by 2017. I am not the same person I was back then, and I hope he isn’t either.

But Louis already said we won’t be getting a new album this year. And I do think that him being a perfectionist plays a role into that, no matter how many fingers we can point. The pandemic also contributed to the state of fandom dynamics nowadays. We were supposed to get a tour last year, which equals lots of content, and we got silence then a livestream then more silence. And now we got some content then back to nothing (that we can see—I don’t want anyone to come and call Louis lazy in my DM’s again, I don’t have the patience for that).

Let’s recap. We have an 18-months-old album that got little to no promo back when it should have gotten it, and while I will always support all the projects going on, but, frankly and while this might sound shocking giving my annoying perseverance to stream the album day and night, I don’t think the numbers are so bad. There were never any intentions to have Walls reach newer demographics. The singles aren’t being pushed right now and, certainly, weren’t promoted when they should’ve been. They never got radio play and, nowadays, can’t be added to playlists by his new label… (and we can’t really expect them to do better when the artist has already moved on from that project and the team and discography can’t or won’t help). Obviously, the push we got with Defenceless was great, and it could be even bigger if we got the hang of Tik Tok, but I don’t want the fandom to feel like we’re failing Louis, or we could be doing more, when it’s out of reach unless we get really lucky and creative with those algorithms and trends.

So, now, do I believe we’re getting new music? Does 369 feels like a buildup? It does and, at the same, it doesn’t. From a marketing perspective, for a brand to tease something for so long without clarifying anything it would mean the loss of interest from the potential clients/buyers, creating a feeling of weariness if it goes on for too long, which could pivot them to look for other things to spend their money or time on.

So, no. I don’t believe the 369 thing was being intentionally promoted when Louis teased it the first time, and I think that’s a mistake. If it really has some deeper meaning that can be associated to his next project, I think mentioning it back in March to wait until the end of April to bring it up again and, even then, sell a product related to it without specifying anything about it is a mistake. As a strategist, you have to plan while keeping in mind we (your potential clients) have the attention span of a fish. It’s harsh but it’s what it is. Not to mention this ploy, if it is promoting something, does absolutely nothing to reach new demographics… once again.

I am talking from a professional standpoint here, not throwing blame at Louis but at whoever runs this shit (please, get back to me, I did send you a CV). It’s not as easier as looking for old patterns and discerning whether we’re getting something or not. We have to assess this as a potential new situation and thenwe can focus on analyzing.

Do I believe we’re getting new music? I suspect there’s something coming but it’s just that, a supposition. It’s an assumption that’s once again, pretty baseless. Is Louis sending out new merch to promote a new single? Is he just being grateful?

Let’s look at the facts. The last merch drop was called 369, so it has some kind of significancy. There’re 369 letters/presents. At least one journalist, that we know of, got one of them. We got a few articles almost two weeks ago already talking about Louis in a general sense, re-introducing him to the public as a successful musician and nothing else (which is always great to see). It could be slow seeding, to test the waters. We could have more coming, or it could have been a one-off because he was out and about for the EURO thing andwriting music and making sandwiches for charity, so it’s good to remind people of his existence. Don’t fade away, yada yada yada.

As I mentioned above, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to be releasing an album this year, but that something BIG was coming/going to happen. Right now, I’m expecting a single that could be tied to the documentary, and parallel promotion of both. Maybe we will get Louis’ music in a Netflix show thanks to BMG deal with them, too.

I don’t think we’re getting a new LP (long play, not Liam Payne) until the tour for the previous one is done BUT I think an EP would be an interesting and very clever move. It could help keep his name relevant and get him some presence in playlists and some radio-play without changing too much the setlist of the tour and, at the same time, pave the way for his sophomore album, giving him a much fair chance of breaking into the charts.

Alas, I can’t really make any of this happen. If the sound is summer-y, which could be because of the video of them dancing in the studio, I will say they are already a little late. If you want a summer hit, but you don’t think it will be an instant hit but a sleeper (not really the term I’m looking for, but you get me), release it during spring. If the sound is more like COACOAC it won’t make sense to release it until late August or September because emo music hits harder during autumn and winter which leaves me wondering why now, why now (if it’s now, which I doubt, given the silence from his socials once again, but then, not a good move to send more things related to 369).

So here’re my thoughts on all of this. If you have any questions I will be happy to answer them but let’s be honest, this has 1,3k words so most of you won’t even read all of it.

[phynali]

so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because - 

we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another. 

for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.

it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out - 

it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.

i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through. 

and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.

the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate. 

lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once. 

even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.

that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?

and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:

but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better. 

at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.

and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot. 

a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.

it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?

right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.

in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.

anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.

and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.

anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper. 

[oooooocheshirecuntoooooo]

In the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere ..... Oh the adventures we had with a hooker. All. Night. Long. 😂

It involves me, my husband, our 18 & 3 year old daughters, a cop and the hooker ... oh and a store clerk and her son. And for real. All night from like 12:30am to 7 am. And now I am home, but without the van and three of the kids didn’t make it home with us.

The following story is absolutely, 100% true. Although it’s not the kind of exciting you’re used to hearing from me, it’s still pretty bizarre. 😂

Just to give a little back story to help paint a clear picture .... So, we always go to my in laws for Christmas but we usually only stay maybe 3-6 days or so depending on how things fall together. This year we decided to stay through New Years because of some drama back at our home. My mother lives on our property and is mentally ill, and we’re pretty sure dementia is setting in. She’s never been an easy person to be around and we have always fought constantly but I have tried to take care of her anyway because she’s the only mom I’ve got, ya know? The last couple years though she’s gotten a lot more aggressive. In July she assaulted her doctor over the mask requirement and even had to go to court over it. Then in august she assaulted me, tried to choke me to death in my own home and in front of my kids. Of course I over powered her and forcefully pushed her out of my house, so yes she sustained bruises and such from that but that’s the extent of it. (She told all of Facebook in a public post that I beat her up every day and that kind of thing. She posts almost every day that she’s being abused, etc. Shes called the police at least 4times in three months. She tried to accuse me of elder abuse and even said I neglect and abuse my kids. Four times they have come out and investigated and not only said they see no signs of child or elder abuse, or anything to backup her claims. They talked to the kids and quickly agreed they were all fine too.

So fast forward to Christmas Eve. We were trying to load up the van to leave for our trip. We couldn’t hardly get it done because she was hounding us so much. When we were done I sent the kids to the car while hubby and I grabbed the last few bags. I blinked and she was charging toward the kids and yelling things at them like “you’re going to be a whore like your mom when you grow up. You wanna suck dick for a living?” And “I hope you die slowly and are alone and afraid for hours before you die.” The oldest child there that day was 12. And no, I’ve never worked in prostitution before. She began to charge toward me when I yelled at her to get away from the kids. Hubby told her to go back in her house and she wouldn’t. Kept coming toward us. So he pulled out his pistol, didn’t cock it or anything, and said again to go back in her house. So she called the police again .... 🙄

So we stayed longer trying to talk to the family lawyer and get a game plan. We’re following through with pressing assault charges so I can get a restraining order, and we’re filing for eviction. So we got all packed and ready to go and noticed liquid under the van. The power steering pump went out and the line busted all over everything. So that set us back another couple of days but we got the line and the pump replaced and tested everything and it looked good. It was late but we decided to set out anyway. We knew we’d get in late but the advantage to that was my crazy mother would be asleep and we could at least get in and unload the van in peace.

About 12:30 the battery light came on and we weren’t near ANYTHING. Somehow we made it another 20 miles or so until we got to a small town we’ve never stopped in before. We stopped at a gas station and barely got in the lot when it died. Hubby tinkered with some things and it looks like the alternator. Apparently some power steering fluid got in it when it busted but we couldn’t see that at the time, including the mechanic neighbor friend helping with it.

So we’re an hour and a half from home and totally stranded in the middle of the night with, thankfully, only two of our kids - the 18 & 3 year old. We make the calls for roadside assistance and I begin calling everyone I know that might can come help us. It’s freezing and none of us packed coats because it’s not usually this cold down here this early in winter. Hubby was wearing shorts even. So we take turns going in the store and sitting in the van with our things - there’s a large fully loaded cargo bag on the roof and a bike rack with two bikes on the back. Figured if we left it alone for a long time those things at least would disappear, essentially given the atmosphere of the place.

In all the moving around and the cashier asking questions and getting to know us and the situation we were in, this big eyed, buck toothed, scraggly little older, black lady who looked like she hasn’t bathed in years starts talking to hubby about what’s wrong with the van. He goes back to tinker with it often hoping he’s wrong about the alternator or that he missed a loose connection - anything that might help us get out of here l, if not home. I am watching cars like a hawk because you wouldn’t believe how many would pull in, loop the parking lot while staring at us and leave again. It started feeling like sharks circling and a feeding frenzy building up. So I’m on edge and I make sure the pistol is within reach at all times. So this little trashy lady keeps talking to him about the mechanics and trying to troubleshoot it. Lemme pain a more accurate picture: this spun out little crack whore was chasing the dragon, looking for it inside the oil reserve, the transmission fluid ..... she keeps pulling out the dipsticks, shaking them like a Polaroid picture and slinging fluids everywhere and then says “I think it’s your starter.”

No doubt she’s trying to hustle some cash and once even asked for some gas money when’s we see the car she rode in pull away and leave her there. She said it was her brother. After awhile, hubby has had enough. He’s usually pretty patient with people who are too fucked up to reach reality but this isn’t the time for all that. Not only is she a hindrance, she keeps snatching his tools and once even his phone out of his hands. I was in the car and I heard him yell “carry your ass already!” If he’s talking to even an annoying stranger like that, I know shit is hitting the fan. Me? I’m Irish. I would’ve done popped off at her which is why I was avoiding her completely. So I got out and joined him and started yelling at her to fuck off. She will take a few steps away and come back but she does finally go all the way back in the store, both of us cussing her the whole way. I blink and she back in his face again. She keeps saying random shit like “anything you can do I can do better” and “I helped you and you just turn me away. That’s not what the Bible says” and “God got me. I don’t need you. I pray for you”

I’m beyond pissed. I’m cold —- and I loath being cold — and I’m tired, it’s now like 2:30 or 3, I’m feeling vulnerable just by being broke down and especially with the toddler who can’t do anything to protect herself or understand what’s going on and who is extremely sensitive to any type of anger or tension (she cries hysterically when her siblings tickle fight or pillow fight and are laughing) and with all I’ve been dealing with with my mom lately I just have no give a shit left in me. So I jump out and say loudly “should I get the gun for you?” He said “it’s starting to look like it.” And I handed it to him and he put it in his pocket - more just wanting to communicate and it wanting to draw on her because that could invite charges for him potentially and we already have enough legal drama waiting at home. She slowly starts walking backward and keeps running her mouth. I forget what she said but she flipped my bitch switch again and I found myself screaming “Don’t make me cut a bitch!”

She said “what did you say?” And I pulled out my pretty pink and Pearl, large and extremely sharp pocket knife and extended the blade, “I said if you don’t carry your ass I WILL cut a bitch!” She nodded that smug kind of nod and kept going, “aaaiiignt”

The car that brought her there and left came back. She got in it and it left, stopped about 20 feet from the parking lot and she appeared to be forcefully shoved out from the way she rolled in the grass. But she goes walking the other direction so we figured she was gone. Meanwhile though in that amount of time I already dialed 911. The operator connected me to the local station and I spoke to dispatch. I kid you not, less than 60 seconds later an officer was there. We later learned he parks in a dark spot across the street of this divided highway. He even saw some of the commotion but couldn’t tell from the angle that it was heated. He tells us all about her, how she’s the local “hooker” / crack whore, along with her sister and mother. When I said we could tell she was drunk or inebriated or something he said, “more like high as a kite in with a jet pack!” I have seen a lot of people high in my years but I’ve never seen anyone act like she was so I asked, “On what?” He just shrugged “likely a combination of things. She’s a non discernment, equal opportunity junkie.”

Would you believe she showed up again while he’s talking to us? She tried to act like they were friends “hey! I know you. You’re married to my kin ...” He kinda yells at her and smirks “you a damn lie and you know it. I’m not even married.” Tim and I both glanced at his hands, his wedding band plainly visible. I got back in the van because my teeth are chattering so bad I can’t speak anyway. He puts her in the back of his car and talks to my husband again. He tells him he’s use to her and is going to take her to a relatives house where she goes when she needs to sleep it off for a day or two. He leaves and about 20 minutes later he’s back. Apparently he almost ran out of gas and he wanted to check in on us again. The jokes flew about how awkward that would look if he ran out of gas and was on the side of the road with the town hooker and all. He was a really nice guy and stayed with us most of the rest of the night. He said he got off at 7 and if we still didn’t have any help to give him a call, giving us his cell number.

So, at the same time I’m trying to get something done about the tow truck that needs to come get the van and find someone to come get us. The first wrecker — BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY TO PICK US UP! I was starting to feel cursed! The second wasn’t informed this would be a “long haul” tow and he only does local. Third times the charm right? Apparently so this time. He was a nice guy as well and took extra steps to keep the bikes and things secure on the trip.

We even had talked to hubby’s parents when we very first broke down. They were asleep but I was able to text my kids that stayed behind to spend another day or two with them, and they were coming up anyway to do some work on the property up here and file the eviction. So the boy, who will be 11 tomorrow, and the 12yo girl woke them up and told them we broke down. Apparently the 8 year old had already gone to sleep. His parents got up and talked to us and they were like, we’ll work on it and let me know what you find out. What the insurance company will do. So when the tow truck showed up, at 4:30, we asked if one of them could come get us because all the insurance company said was “MAYBE a supervisor could make an allowance for a Lyft or something like that but it didn’t seem a highly probable option. I realize we were 3 hours from his parents but they got up and stayed up from the first time we called and father in law could’ve gotten us and most of our stuff in the van and gotten us home, and him back to his house, before lunch and then slept or done whatever work he felt was more important than our safety. I’m kinda ticked about that. So we get what things we can’t live without immediately and head into the store to wait for a solution to arise, or friends to wake up! I was the last one going in and I was shivering so bad I dropped the things in my hands. I bent down to pick them up when two large shoes stepped in to my view, directly in front of me.

I stand up and then continue looking up to find the eyes looking back at me - a huge ‘cornfed’ red neck man who almost is convincing at appearing to be tough as nails, but I see the gentle kindness in him immediately. However, when he named the itty bitty, no red light havin’ isolated little farm town we live in I was flabbergasted. I actually stuttered and just made noise instead of words when I tried to respond. He even chuckled and playfully’ mocked’ me but was even kind about it. It was more like he got a kick out of how taken off guard I was. He said “Do y’all need a ride to (hometown)?” in that extremely slow, drawn out way the redneck Southerns do. In a minute I nodded and said “How do you know that?” I continued walking in the store as I spoke and of course he followed and opened the door for me. Hubby had run back and flagged down the tow truck before it left, remembering the car seat was left in it and that would be essential to getting us home. He had already talked to the man but j didn’t know that. In fact, in all the in and out that night hubby and my older daughter had told the cashier bits and pieces of the situation and it hit a point where she realized help wasn’t coming very fast and didn’t want to see any more trouble fall on us like with the oh so classy hooker we had already met. So she called her son, knowing this was the kind of thing he was always looking to do. He kept telling us that he just really liked to drive and it was no big deal and that he had time to get us there and back home before work even. After debating over it for what felt like hours but was probably only 5 minutes hubby and I decided it was probably the smartest option. He usually has a pretty keen sense of a persons character pretty quickly and so does my 18 year old - although it still needs to be fine tuned a bit but that will come with time, maturity, and unfortunately, heartbreak. We felt like we had a read on the kind, older lady cashier too and she even said “It’s ok. He’s my son. He’s not gonna hurt you or anybody that doesn’t try to hurt him first.”, laughing the last few words out and the glances between them revealing some inside joke / event. So we went ahead and got in his little car - which was more like a jumbo Geo Tracker and I honestly wondered how he ever fit inside. It wasn’t the best looking thing, kinda shabby and needing a lot of TLC, but for us it may as well have been luxury. It was a diamond in the rough, symbolic of the man who offered to drive us an hour and a half to get us home, and then back, before he went to work that day. By the time we got him we knew his life story - 33 and already a survivor of the heart attack they call ‘the widow maker’. We instantly fell in and we’re good friends. By the time we got home - at 7am - we hated to see him go. Of course we had a little Christmas gift cash on us and gave him a little something for his trouble, especially since he wouldn’t come in and let me make him something for breakfast. As I hugged him bye I told him “I will forever call you ‘My Angel Michael’. He said, “Well thank you ma’am. It was my pleasure.” and with that, he drove away.

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Radio Friendly Unit Shifter: The Complete Nirvana Videography

Heart-Shaped Box

Nirvana had originally wanted Kevin Kerslake to direct this video, who had written the initial treatment in July 1992. By the summer of 1993, he had written at least five treatments, which included a shot of Kurt Cobain kissing William Burroughs and another of the entire band hanging by their necks from trees. Yet by the end of August, the band decided to go with Dutch photographer Anton Corbijn. The director seemed initially apprehensive about agreeing to do the video as he had heard Kurt Cobain could act overly detailed in production. He would say, “But then I looked at it and I thought that actually it was pretty good. I was very amazed by somebody writing a song and having those ideas as precise as he did." The video begins with the band standing in a hospital room around an old man receiving an IV drip, then moves to a surreal Wizard of Oz type of outdoor setting. The same old man in a Santa and later Pope hat climbs on a crow infested cross as they sing the song. The video also includes a young girl reaching for fetuses in a tree, while at the same time an overweight woman appears with human organs painted on her chest with a pair of wings. Many of these ideas were actually conceived by Corbijn, not the band as he always came up with the ideas on his own for any of his videos. Upon the promotion’s release, Kevin Kerslake sued the band for copyright infringement, as the case would be settled out of court. Upon its release, the clip became the most played video on MTV eventually garnering two video music awards for Best Alternative Video and Art Direction. Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, and Pat Smear accepted the awards as Kurt Cobain had already passed. New Musical Express named it as the 11th best music video of all time, while Time magazine called it the number 10 music video ever saying it was both “beautiful and terrible.” In 2016, Dave Grohl reunited with the young girl from the video, who had this to say about the reunion. “Today reminded me that I peaked at 6 years old but I was the most badass kid on the playground. Today was the absolute coolest. Or in Dave's words seeing each other today was a 'historic moment'! What a legend!”

Sliver

A music video for the song was released in 1993 to promote the compilation album, Incesticide. The video would be directed by longtime collaborator Kevin Kerslake. The clip begins with Kurt Cobain holding his young daughter up behind some cardboard as she dances along to the first few seconds of the track. The video moves to Cobain’s garage, where it shows the band performing the song. Dave Grohl is playing on the drums, even though he never played on the original song. Cobain only sings into a microphone, but he's never seen playing guitar. He is wearing a red mohair sweater that Courtney Love had purchased for him from a fan at a Nirvana show in Belfast, Northern Ireland. His whole garage is filled with toys and decorations the singer had placed in storage just before the release of Nevermind that he had collected over the years. The collection included a Chim Chim toy monkey that was given to him from the Japanese band Shonen Knife.

Come As You Are

This video would actually be the first one directed by Kevin Kerslake, who was hired after such a negative experience with the director on Smells Like Teen Spirit. The concept would be developed by Kerslake as Cobain could not come up with any ideas, so he let the director develop the video. The singer’s only requirement was that some kind of reference be made to the cover of the Nevermind album. The clip shows the band in a dark room as water falls around them obscuring their form. Other images include Cobain swinging from a chandelier, a dog wandering around the room, a baby swimming in a pool, and a pistol falling underwater. The end of the video shows the entire group lying on the ground as Cobain kisses the camera.

Lithium

This video originally had a concept of doing a short animated story about a female girl named Prego. This girl lives in a forest, when she finds some eggs and takes them to a king in a nearby castle. Unfortunately, both Kevin Kerslake and Cobain discovered that it would take four months to produce the video, so they abandoned the idea. Kerslake instead created a collage of concert footage for the video made up of their 1991 Paramount Theater concert and other footage from the 1992 film, The Year Punk Broke. Biographer Michael Azerrad would make this critical comment about the clip. "Although [the video] was enlivened by Kerslake's neat trick of using more violent footage during the quiet parts of the song and vice versa, it was something of a disappointment from a band and a song that promised so much."

You Know You’re Right

Chris Hafner directed this video released in October 2002 to coincide with the single of the same name. The clip shows a montage of The band in either concerts or interviews, but giving the impression that they are actually performing the song. The video would reach number two on Billboard’s music videos chart. New Musical Express would go on to nominate it for Best Music Video in 2002.

In Bloom

Two versions of this video exist. The first one showed clips of the band walking around New York City and performing at Maxwells in New Jersey. In the clip, one can see Krist Novoselic in some shots has hair and others a shaved head. The reason for that comes from the fact that he had to shave it as punishment for a mediocre performance during a show at the Pyramid Club. They made this alternate version for a compilation dvd on the Sub Pop label, Sub Pop Video Network Volume One. The second version, which most people remember is called the Nevermind version. This promotional clip would be directed once again by Kevin Kerslake and released in November 1992. Kurt Cobain’s original concept for it was to tell the story of a young girl born into a Ku Klux Klan family until she realizes the evil nature of her parents, but the concept seemed much too difficult to work out. He then switched it into a parody of 1960’s television shows like the Ed Sullivan Show. The entire video was shot in original cameras of the period in Kinescope, while the band did the entire song without a script. The actor playing the host was Doug Llewellyn, who had worked as the reporter interviewing people after their case on the People’s Court. Cobain wanted to make a funny parody video to show that there was another side to Nirvana. He felt “so tired for the last year of people taking us so seriously . . . I wanted to fuck off and show them that we have a humorous side to us.” The entire band would wear suits during their performance, while the Nirvana frontman had glasses that eventually made him quite dizzy. He would later say in a Melody Maker interview that they wanted to parody groups like the Dave Clark Five, but not the Beatles. He would never mock the Fab Four due to their influence on his songwriting. In the clip, Novoselic is wearing short hair, which he liked so much that he never changed it. They eventually destroy all of their instruments and the stage by the end of the song. In Bloom would go on to win the 1993 MTV Music Video Award for Best Alternative Video.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

This video would be directed by first timer Sam Bayer. The director believed that he actually got hired because the work on his résumé seemed so below average that Nirvana thought that it would represent the opposite of anything remotely corporate. The concept developed by the band was to stage a school concert that ended in a riot. The idea had been based on the films Rock ‘n’ Roll High School starring the Ramones and The 1979 film, Over the Edge. The clip begins with the band playing the song during a pep rally in a high school gym as cheerleaders wearing sweaters with the anarchy symbol on them cheer along. Every so often, the camera cuts to a janitor dancing alongside his broom. The video ends with the apathetic students going from the bleachers to the gym floor in a full-scale riot. The apathy from the students was actually real as they had been sitting on the bleachers all day. Cobain was finally able to convince Bayer that the students should be allowed to mosh at the end of the video. The singer said, “Once the kids came out dancing they just said 'fuck you', because they were so tired of his shit throughout the day.” The Nirvana frontman hated the directors final edit of the video so much that he went in himself creating what became the final version. Upon its release, Rolling Stone’s David Fricke would say that it was “the greatest gig that you could ever imagine.” The video would go on the win MTV Video Music Awards for Best New Artist and Best Alternative Video. In 1999, the video was named the number three music video of all time on a list put out by MTV. VH1 named it number 18 in the greatest television moments in the history of music as alternative music now became a “commercial and cultural force.” At the end of 2019, the video had been viewed 1 billion times on YouTube.

[radiojamming]

Can you tell us anything more about John Hartnell's time on the Voltage?

Hell yeah, I can! I have some pictures from the log books I can post later, too. I legit sat for H O U R S reading tiny handwriting from the master’s logs. Most of the logs were lists of chores, punishments, notes on the weather, and any major events. John’s time on the Volage can be divided pretty neatly in half, between the ship’s North American tour, and its Irish Sea patrol, all between 1841-45. 

The North American part was probably pretty exciting for him, considering that he’d been a shoemaker since he was thirteen years old. Compared to what his brother had been up to on the Volage (the Aden Expedition, Battle of Chuenpi, etc.), it focused less on military ventures and more on transportation and patrol. The first major thing it did was in December of 1841, when it accompanied the HMS Warspite and HMS Thalia in taking the King of Prussia, Frederick William IV to England to attend the christening of the Prince of Wales. After that, it scurried over to Plymouth to get new fittings, and then took off for the Caribbean. 

A lot happened in the Caribbean, and reading through the log books (always written in very non-emotional language, but still entertaining) paints a very eclectic picture of their activities. The Volage went to Jamaica first, awaiting orders until they were ordered to go to Saint Martha to pick up... $800,000 in gold. Legit, that sat on the Volage for two months until they dropped it off in Port Royal. By then, half the crew was incredibly ill with a mix of diseases including what might have been dysentery. Amazingly, for all of John’s terrible luck, he doesn’t appear on the sick list, even as one of the lieutenant’s eventually died as well as the clerk. 

They scurried back and forth across the Caribbean from January of 1842 until they departed for Halifax, Nova Scotia later that summer. (Land of @theiceandbones!) In all honesty, the Volage didn’t get up to much during it’s time in Halifax. They didn’t necessarily have a mission, but it does make for some really entertaining reading! There was a lot of shore leave, for instance. Here are some of the notes I wrote on my read-through between the Caribbean and Halifax (which is from ADM 54/312):

Mondays and Fridays are mandatory clothes-washing days.

8th of July 1842 - “Punished Michael Logan with 48 [!] lashes for Disobedience of Orders and Insolence”

12th of July 1842, 6pm - “Committed to the deep the Body of Samuel Marvin (AB) Deceased.” / “Departed this life William Baillie (boy) - Buried at sea on the 13th.”

18th of July 1842, 10:50 pm - “Heard the report of several Guns from the North” [in Halifax]

20th of July 1842 - Halifax Citadel visit and the burial of Robert Webb (boy), Samuel Gibbon, John Barnes, and Samuel Brummage (carpenter’s mate) on shore

Godden reports that several warm nights, sailors were permitted to use their hammocks and sleep on the beach! (I put a smiley face next to my note here!)

Most of their Halifax mooring was spent cleaning. Lots of repainting, holystoning, repairing, etc.

Multiple discharges for “uselessness” and “disgrace”. 

The latter note is really interesting, considering that none other than Charles Dickens visited Halifax that same year, and made note of sailors making total idiots out of themselves on oysters and champagne. Indeed, there are plenty of punishments recorded for that summer for drunkenness, insubordination, and desertion, again sometimes up to 48 lashes. (I’ll post a picture of the log just to confirm that.) On a high note, John Hartnell wasn’t punished once! And believe me, I looked!

They did have to have some repair work done to fix a leak in October before scurrying back down south with the “Squadron”. Godden makes some pretty boring notes about looking at the United States coast (as in essentially saying, “Yep, there it is!”) before they hang tight to the coast of Mexico. 

The Volage appears to have been outfitted for doing survey work, which is part of what they did for the next few months. Between that, mooring for absolutely nothing, and hanging out with slave ship hunters (I like to think they high-fived the HMS Racer at some point) their zig-zag order of ports of call are:

Barbados > Puerto Rico > Grenada > St. Vincent > Jamaica > St. Lucie > Antigua > Jamaica (long-term Port Royal mooring) > Haiti 

By early 1843, the Volage was headed back home. They docked in Plymouth for a time before getting their next orders for the Admiralty for the apparently much-maligned Irish Sea duty. At this point, Captain William Dickson had a temporary replacement for the deceased Lt. Davey, but eventually, that lieutenant had to leave as well. Captain Dickson did get a note from the Admiralty that he was to get his replacement at the Cove of Cork, and according to the sudden burst of tiny handwriting at the bottom of the page on Tuesday, August 29th, 1843, Captain Dickson totally forgot about that. Literally, the note for the day is kind of falling off the page from squeezing it in, but reads: “Read the Commission of Lieut J Irving”.

Because Lieutenant John Irving hopped on board as a new replacement, thus using those sweet, sweet letters of his to describe the next few months. He was absolutely meticulous about dating his letters, and having them on hand in his memoir made it easy to line up with Godden’s notes in the master’s log, confirming everything between the two of them. This time, Irish patrol got kind of exciting.

First, here’s Irving talking about joining the Volage, saying much nicer things about Capt. Dickson considering the captain was probably going, “Oh shit right I forgot we were doing this.”

“To my great joy I found the ‘Volage’ at anchor here. I was afraid she might have gone somewhere else. I went on board direct from the steamer, and was introduced to Sir William Dickson, the Captain; rigged myself in a blue coat and a pair of epaulettes; the hands were turned up, and the Captain read my commission appointing me lieutenant of the ship to the ship’s company. There are three of us. I am the second in seniority. Our mess consists of seven--viz., three lieutenants, one master, surgeon, a lieutenant of marines. They are all very good fellows. I was three years messmate of one of them in a former ship, so am comfortable in that respect.”

Irving noted that the officers were frequently invited to parties in Cork (”I could be at parties every day if I liked;”), and Godden does say that the rest of the crew were given shore leave fairly frequently, even though they didn’t have enough officers to allow them to leave as often. 

For the next four months, the Volage remained at Cork, doing patrol with several other man-of-war’s. On land, there were frequent clashes between the Protestants and the Catholics, but more importantly, there were the Repealers following Daniel O’Connell’s urging to repeal the Acts of the Union and re-establish the independent Kingdom of Ireland. Between Irving and Godden, the image of this time from the perspective of the Volage is one of a lot of bloody rumors and high tension (a Protestant curate was killed, houses were being burned down). However, O’Connell’s followers were very civil to the sailors and actually invited some of the Volage officers to visit their homes. Irving called their hospitality “quite Highland”. 

The Volage was temporarily relieved of its patrol in December, and returned to Plymouth by January of 1844 for refitting and repair work after shearing off part of her keel. Godden and Irving both noted that sailors and officers were boarded on a hulk, or a non-sailing ship. Godden also noted that several sailors were permitted leave to go visiting nearby. (John Hartnell did have family in Plymouth, and Thomas Hartnell may have been visiting the area at the same time, if a pet theory of mine holds up.) 

They were back in the Cove of Cork by February, with the Volage now as the flagship. During a period between February and June, the Volage frequently made trips between Cork and the town of Bantry, after further pro-Repealer agitation began to raise tensions once more. Godden’s log doesn’t say much on the subject aside from weather reports and notes on officers leaving the ship to attend parties, major gatherings in town (there’s a really interesting bit from Irving on scaring the bejeezus out of a group of paraders and stealing the Waterford city flag), and switching out officers. However, the tensions once again didn’t amount to much more than far-off reports of violence and a few observations of pissed-off “pisantry”. The Volage did return to Plymouth for Christmas before returning for a short turn in Cork, and then being paid off completely. The log for that topic shows that John Hartnell was paid off on February 1st, 1845.

As far as what life would have been like for John Hartnell on the Volage, it’s hard to say for sure since, once again, Godden’s logs are impersonal. However, he was responsible for recording all punishments, injuries, illnesses, and deaths, of which there was no lack. He also kept meticulous note of what chores were to be done on particular days, as well as drills. I noticed there was a lot of repetition in the chore schedule, and there was a slight uptick in sailors suddenly taking ill with “unknown” illnesses about two and a half years in, especially on days that had chores requiring a little more elbow grease.

But I think, as I said, this would have been very exciting for someone like John. After all, he voluntarily signed up for the Erebus four months after signing off on the Volage. Unfortunately, we don’t have any letters to or from him that might hint to how he felt during this time, so we have to take it from his actions rather than his words. I like to think he enjoyed himself.

[qqueenofhades]

i love your medieval posts! i think you wrote a while back on how a first crusade film might go, and i have a question if you don’t mind me asking: I’m writing fiction around the third crusade and approaching the massacre of the acre garrison. do you have any advice on how to portray such incidents in a way which isn’t cheap/horror-porn, while not skating around the fact that this was a genuinely horrifying thing? (1/2)

(also on a lighter note: what moments from the third crusade would you absolutely love to be included in historical portrayals of the period? apart from richard x philip which is an obvious given) (2/2) 

Oooh. This is good.

I have written about the massacre at Acre three times that I can think of: twice in fiction (in my novel about Richard and then in chapter 3 of DVLA) and once in nonfiction, in my academic book about the crusades. It’s one of the events in the crusades which gets a lot of attention when somebody has a particular Point To Make, usually about the barbarity of the crusades/crusaders, attempts to portray them as simple excesses of religious zealotry, Ye Olde Bad Violent Medieval Times, parallels to modern-day Western invasions and occupations of the Middle East, well-meant attempts to critique the West’s treatment of Muslims, etc. (I seem to recall that the 2010 Robin Hood has a Bad Take on this, though the rest of it is fictional anyway, so hey.) So if you’re coming into it trying to make a Point for your reader, I advise you to think carefully about what that Point actually is, and how you’re conveying it. Because while it’s certainly a thing that happened and should be dealt with sensitively, it’s also important to think about the larger context of the crusade and how this was treated by both sides, both before and after its occurrence.

First, Saladin’s army had killed or taken prisoner the entire Christian army at the battle of Hattin in 1187, and while there are a few high-profile stories about him personally ransoming Christian captives, there was also an episode where Richard and company freed several thousand (supposedly 12,000, though medieval round figures often have problems) captives from where they were destined to be sold into the slave markets of the Islamic world. Saladin has a well-deserved reputation as a great commander and leader, so this isn’t to attempt some kind of hatchet job on him, but point out that this was a way he would have (logically) expected to make money for his army and to fund his ongoing battles against the Third Crusade. The slave trade was a major part of the medieval economy, often concentrated through the Mediterranean, Eastern Europe, and the Silk Road (as I’ve mentioned before, the word “slave” comes from “Slav.”) On this note, despite their Tumblr-darling reputation as champions of conscience and liberal society and personal cleanliness, the Vikings were also big-time slave traders (which probably isn’t that surprising for people who made their living by jumping off boats and stealing other people’s shit; though the word wicing denotes a particular kind of sea raider within this society and not the entire society itself). Anyway: the point is that people were routinely used as human collateral, both as slaves and as hostages, in medieval society and warfare alike, and that included the crusades. The giving and taking of hostages was a very, very common feature of forcing trust and incentive to cooperate between warring sides; it happened in Europe, it happened on the crusades, it didn’t matter who the enemy was.

In fact, by the time the massacre took place, Richard had already taken a lot of flak (and would continue to take it throughout the crusade) for being so friendly in his diplomatic negotiations with Saladin, which was supposedly one of the reasons Philip decided to leave early. The fact that Richard kept entering into negotiations with the Saracens and trying to resolve Acre’s disputed status with diplomacy as well as warfare was a bit of a shock to the other crusade leaders, who figured that they were just there to kill the Muslims and have done with it. (They also had a grudge against Richard for swiftly dispossessing them and doing everything himself, which was just the way Richard rolled, my bros.) As also mentioned in DVLA, Richard was one of the Western leaders most sympathetically inclined to the Muslims (and especially Saladin and his brother Saif al-Din) during the entire crusades, not just the Third. We can’t know how serious he was, but he did offer to marry his sister Joanna to Saif al-Din, he and Saif al-Din hit it off during their in-person negotiations and referred to the other as their friend, he and Saladin wrote to each other fairly often even if they never met, they are both on record saying how much they admired each other, Richard was open about finding the Muslims more honorable than his Christian allies, and Hubert Walter (the bishop of Salisbury) had dinner with Saladin (when Saladin had invited the crusaders to Jerusalem after the Treaty of Jaffa in 1192, though Richard didn’t go) and told him that if he and Richard ever decided to join forces, nobody would be able to stop them. (I also had to write a novel based on that premise, for reasons.) So Richard and Saladin negotiated for the entire period of the crusades, they fought on the battlefield, they engaged in diplomacy, they respected the hell out of each other, they had a cordial-enemies relationship, and Richard became outright friends with Saif al-Din. And most of this happened AFTER the events at Acre.

That is to say: the Acre massacre, while it may appear particularly shocking to our eyes, did not end up being a major episode for either side during the crusade, at least in its ultimate course of events. Saladin and the Muslim high command had repeatedly dawdled and prevaricated and tried to avoid fulfilling the terms of the arrangement under which they had handed the hostages over, trying to delay Richard in Acre and prevent him from marching down the coast to Jaffa or Jerusalem, and thus, as utterly cold-blooded as it sounds: by the simple rules of medieval battlefield logic, the hostages were fair game. They were POWs and military combatants, and while hostages weren’t USUALLY killed, simply because it was the threat that they could be hurt that was the most effective at exerting compliance... they also could be killed, and both sides recognized that this was a possible option if the arrangement wasn’t fulfilled.

This again, as noted, wasn’t unique to the crusades. You gave up hostages precisely because they were supposed to impel you to keep your word, and if you didn’t, that reflected badly on your own honor, as much or as more than on your enemy’s. That’s why Yusuf is also pissed with Saladin in the aftermath of the massacre in DVLA; Saladin had a responsibility as a commander to free these men, he did not do that and deliberately used their safety as a pawn, so Richard called his bluff and had the prisoners executed. Which again: this was about what anyone in that situation had a right to expect, and Richard was often much more ruthless with rebellions against him by his European Christian subjects back in France; he had given Saladin over six weeks to cooperate, which was a lot more than he usually did. So this wasn’t a case where he was doing it specifically because of the religion of the captives or some mindless excess of religious bigotry, but because a military agreement had been broken. (Richard was many things, but not, so far as I can tell, really a religious bigot at all. This goes for his relations with the Jews as well as the Muslims.)

Obviously, it’s not a wonderful thing that this did happen, the Muslims were rightfully angry about it, and harassed the crusaders’ march repeatedly during the two weeks between the massacre (August 20, 1191) and the battle of Arsuf (September 7, 1191) where Richard defeated Saladin for the first time in the open field. Both of these events contributed to a dent in Saladin’s reputation, which heretofore had been about as glorious in the Islamic world as it was possible to get. There was a lull in hostilities after Arsuf as the fighting season ended, negotiations between Richard and Saladin were soon underway again, he met Saif al-Din not long after, and it doesn’t appear that the Acre massacre had a major impact on the resumption of that diplomatic relationship. This supports the interpretation that both sides recognized it as a valid if regrettable move in the circumstances, and Saladin had some awareness that he’d been outplayed twice in a row and this was, to some degree, his fault too. So while this should obviously be treated with care and not sensationalized, and given its due weight as an episode of warfare in the crusades, the broader context of this particular incident does not support it being some sort of terrible black-mark incident of mindless religious zealotry; the Muslims themselves did not view it that way and were once more negotiating with Richard a month later.

As far as lighter episodes: you DELIGHT me in giving me the opportunity to inform you about the Dueling Dirty Songs of the Third Crusade, featuring Hugh, duke of Burgundy (the commander of the French forces after Philip’s departure in July 1191) and Richard himself. This happened in July 1192, after the final failed advance on Jerusalem and before the battle of Jaffa, when relations between the French and English contingents had completely broken down. Take it away, Itinerarium Peregrinorum:

On top of all this, Henry [Hugh] duke of Burgundy, prompted by a spirit of worthless arrogance or perhaps led on by the most unbecoming malicious envy, composed the words of a song to be sung in public. Such shameful words should never have been made public if its composers had retained any sense of propriety, for they were revealed not so much as men but men beyond raping women [non tantum viris, sed et viros ultra rapientibus mulieribus]. Those who applied their efforts to such shocking and silly activities certainly made themselves conspicuous and revealed the hidden intentions of their hearts […] This invidious composition was sung all through the army. The king [Richard] was extremely annoyed about it, and thought that he should punish them by paying them back in their own coin. So he also sang something about them, and it was little trouble to compose because there was plenty of material at hand.

As I write about in my Queer Richard paper: The IP’s shocked tone in reporting this anecdote, the clear sense that Hugh’s song was too shameful to even be hinted at, and the curious comment that the ones responsible were men “beyond even raping women” gives the distinct impression that this was a musical slander on Richard’s sexual habits, especially given his public repentance in Messina prior to the crusade. It also fits in a tradition wherein which songs were used as one of the most versatile and popular methods of mass communication in crusading armies, praising crusaders’ successes and lambasting their failures. The IP author, for whom Richard was a figure of hero-worship, deflected the charges of sexual irregularity by the straightforward tactic of claiming that the French must be engaging in it instead, and thus by inference, homosexual sodomy was an even worse sin than heterosexual rape. It also shows that Richard’s own reaction was simply to sing a wittier and more scathing song about his accusers. And seriously, his nemesis (well, the henchman of his nemesis, since Philip was already gone) throws a shit fit and is all I’LL TELL EVERYONE THAT RICHARD LIKES DUDES NAH NAH NAH like it’s a middle school playground slap fight? And Richard just goes, “bring it on bro, I’m smarter than you, I’m a better singer than you, there’s TONS OF MATERIAL for me to write about how much you suck, and I will now proceed to destroy you in a diss track competition because I’m Queer N’ Awesome?”

I’m sorry. Legendary. We stan.

[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

[kissmyshnymetalass]

Military Transition Information

Sections:

-          Actual GOMOR

-          REFRAD

-          SFL-TAP

-          Resources

-          General Separation Tips

-          Job Hunting and Resume

-          LinkedIn

-          Other Job Hunting Sites (ZipRecruiter/Clearance Jobs/etc)

-          Certifications

ACTUAL GOMOR Nothing to say about this really. It is what it is. You can’t fight it. My parents hired some hot shot civilian lawyer who was horribly expensive but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Ultimately it all comes down to the fact that it isn’t LAW. It is UCMJ and there’s nothing to fight. Your command team has that power. They just do. It is pure bullshit. It drives me crazy. You could try writing your congress person or the army times to put the spotlight on unfair, maddening, preposterous nonsense judgmental decisions but…otherwise you’re boned. My recommendation is to keep your head down and try not to freak out. When my battalion commander told me it would be permanently filed I had a total rage glitch and yelled at him. Did not improve my position, ha. See if you can get moved to another battalion or brigade. That’s a big ask because you’re now branded. But if anyone is still in your corner (a Battalion XO or S3 or even a S1 who is respected and will advocate for you. Maybe the Brigade FSO if you have a good reputation) it can give you breathing room to no longer be in that environment. I had pull with division and was able to get onto staff up there after my flag was lifted. They knew I was only there to transition and were really cool about it- your mileage may vary. REFRAD

The first step is to get a copy of the REFRAD packet. It is mainly memos. Your S1 should have a copy. Then clarify what gates it has to hit (Battalion to Brigade to Division to Installation to HRC I’m pretty sure) and who the people are. You can do this while you’re flagged (if you’re flagged which I assume you are). You can’t submit until you’re unflagged but you can do drafts and send them to the S1 to get corrections. I’d let your command know of your intent to separate if you have any kind of ability to talk to them and let them know you’d appreciate if they could sign this stuff right away. I made it overwhelmingly clear that I disagreed with their handling of the situation and would like to just get out of there as fast as possible. They obliged by signing everything without the “required” counseling sessions.

I submitted mine on like July 6th or 7th and received my approval from HRC O/A 20 August but had to hand walk it. Basically had to call the S1 shop at Battalion every day until they routed to Brigade. Then the same thing with Brigade. Then with Installation. Etc. It is just best to be a pain in the ass about it because otherwise it can get stuck at a gate and require corrections and you’ll just never know about it because S1 sucks, ha. After you get your approval from HRC you still have to wait to get clearing papers and orders. That can take a while. I’m pretty sure I had my orders 9-10 days after getting approval and was given clearing papers six working days before my final out (which was around 16 October). SFL-TAP SFL-TAP was stupid but you may see benefits. There were a couple of contractors hunting for separating Soldiers so you maybe you’ll meet someone like that. Otherwise SFL-TAP went over pretty basic stuff like “consider benefits in addition to salary when job hunting” or “here’s what to wear.” It was FINE. But I wouldn’t say that officers are really the target audience. They will expose you to a few transition assistance programs which could be helpful though. Like I think there is a Microsoft administrator course that is 3-4 months you can do that SFL-TAP can give you info about. Other things like credentialing programs, certification courses, job fairs, etc. I did not use any of these services but I have heard they can be helpful. RESOURCES YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT, YMMV ACP Partnerships. American Corporate Partners. Basically you can apply on their website and they can hook you up with a mentor in your preferred field. I did this and it was fine. I received a mentor but she wasn’t super helpful. I think your experience really depends on your mentor. I’ve heard from others that their mentors are awesome. The nice thing about this is that they assign you a mentorship manager and that person will be very aggressive about providing you with resources (interview prep, resume reviewer, etc)

Corporate Fellowship Program. You can visit hiringourheroes.org. They can basically set you up with a corporate internship. Usually reserved for service members who are going to stay geographically close to their installation. Once again, I did not use this service but I have heard GREAT things and have a close friend who participated and she raves about it. Cameron Brooks/other junior officer recruitment companies. I did Cameron Brooks for a few months. I did not tell them about the GOMOR, ha. Didn’t mention the flag at all. They won’t call your command or anything so I just viewed it as keeping non-essential information to myself. It was also fine. It is free. They will give you books to read and counsel you and do interview prep and everything. It is a nice service. They told me they only “accept the best” as clients. Probably not true so don’t let them convince you they are some secret sauce. They just have a very codified approach. I have heard from others that they can land you in a good job but most are in less desirable locations (like the mid-west. Or Kansas). If you are afraid of transitioning this is kind of nice. Like having a bossy older brother who “knows a guy.” Other Useful “Leaving the Army” Tips Make sure you have a log in to mypay set up. Once you final out your CAC won’t work anywhere. Forward yourself anything in your military email that you may need or want. Download your medical records. Set up a DS login. Stuff like that. I lost a lot because I never did it. Oh well. But learn from my experience, ha. Print off your clothing record and do CIF prep now. At my last installation they wouldn’t make me a CIF appointment until the last six workdays I was in the Army and I had to go back three or four times and it was stressful. Do your homework and equipment cleaning now. All in all it wasn’t too bad. Military surplus stores will work with you. The one near me let me take what I needed from them for free (like a sleeping mat, grenade pouch and ACU print assault pack) with the agreement that once I was cleared I would give them all remaining equipment I had. They made out big in that deal because after a decade I had a ton of shit. Do all the basics. Clean your stuff, get rid of tape residue, etc. Job Hunting and Resumes Oh job hunting. You son of a bitch. First things first, get LinkedIn. Get Premium. I’m pretty sure you can do this for free as a service member but I’m not sure how. I will go into way more LinkedIn detail in a moment. I started job hunting in August. It took three months to find a job. It was NOT easy. You need to write a resume. There are countless agencies who will review it for you for free. There is certainly someone in your SFL-TAP staff who will review your resume. Don’t worry- they will broadcast who they are. I’m sure if you reached out now they could send you examples and review your stuff. Get a lot of eyes on it. Friends, parents, those who have transitioned. If you have any friends in HR have them look at it. De-militarize it. You need to be submitting applications every day. I had a goal to apply to at least one job every day and generally applied to 3 or 5 each day. I applied to 200-300 jobs easily. I received rejections from around 100. The others didn’t even bother letting me know. Of those applications I had the most luck if I went to their LinkedIn page and found someone in HR and introduced myself and offered to provide any additional information. I scheduled around 12 interviews and made it to the second round for 4. Was ultimately offered two jobs in the same week at my price point but it took work.

Find recruiters on LinkedIn. Basically you can search for recruiters in your preferred area. Just add them. Add whoever. And send them an email. I did this and probably met with 10-15 recruiters. None of them were able to place me but talking to them was good. They can help you figure out how to present your skill sets and will send you resumes to review/copy and will sometimes review your resume for you. They WANT to place you because that’s what makes them money so don’t feel weird about reaching out to them. Talking to them is also good general interview prep because they ask most of the same questions an interviewing company would ask.

When applying for a specific job read the posting and then incorporate as many of the words they use IN THE FORMAT THEY USE THEM into your resume. They will almost certainly filter your application through a software designed to separate those totally unqualified. For instance, if you hold a project management certification and on your resume you write PMP Certified but in the job description they say “Project management professional certification preferred” then go back to your resume and change PMP to Project Management Professional.

Biggest piece of advice here is Don’t Give Up. It is soul crushing. You will feel panicked and shitty and underqualified. That’s normal from what I hear. Don’t marry yourself to the first job. I’ve heard from professional recruiters that companies are more likely to hire a veteran after he/she has successfully held a civilian job for one year after separation. My advice would be to accept a job that pays you fairly for the security and reassess after a year. There’s absolutely no problem with changing jobs later. LinkedIn Fuck you, LinkedIn. LinkedIn is such bullshit. But civilians are rock fucking hard for it. So get a LinkedIn. Make sure everything is up to date. Have a picture- NOT a military picture. The same boring one everyone has on LinkedIn. You’re wearing a tie. You’re smiling like a goober. Write all the bullshit nonsense about how you’re a trendsetter and a problem solver and an out of the box thinker. Really sell yourself. Make connections. Make as many connections as you can. For some reason you seem more hireable when you have a ton of connections. Find recruiters and add them. Find people who are doing the thing you want to do in the city you want to do it in and add them. Interact with people. It is all a show but just do it because that’s the game and the prize for winning the game is a nice salary and a successful transition. Find all of the companies who typically hire vets if you’re interested in that. Deloitte, Raytheon, Leidos, Lockheed Martin, etc. Most recruiters associated with these organizations put out content regularly that’s aimed at transitioning service members. They will host classes and online information sessions. Attend them. Follow the advice of the recruiters. All advise basically boils down to market yourself, make connections, expand your network, tailor your resume, follow up in a personal way to applications (contacting HR people or recruiters within the company), send out resumes daily, interview well, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Get premium so you can see who looks at your profile. Other Job Hunting Sites/Resources I actually got my job using ZipRecruiter, not LinkedIn. So I would definitely use ZipRecruiter. You can use ClearanceJobs if you have a clearance. You should go to whichever state you want to work in’s website as well because they’ll post local jobs (like working as a project manager for the department of transportation in Kentucky or whatever). I received a few interviews (well, 2) doing this. I think because it is kind of a pain in the ass to apply that way. Look at universities and hospitals in your preferred area. Often the jobs they post don’t make it onto other sites. Follow companies you’d like to work for on LinkedIn. Sometimes organizations will advertise openings that don’t make it to the LinkedIn job search function for some reason. Instead they’ll make a post about an opening and the link will take you directly to their website. Certifications Probably didn’t need this whole section but…get certs. They both matter and they don’t matter. I don’t think my certs really helped me get my job but they certainly didn’t hurt. PMP (as aforementioned) is a big one.

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[thereadingchallengechallenge]

🎆 2019 Wrap Up  🎆

While my personal life more or less went to shit this year, I have had the best reading and blogging year and I’m so excited to go through the challenges I set myself at the start of the year and see how I went. 

In addition to smashing my reading goal, this year I ran the last Recsmas which had the best turnout of any of them and I hosted #Booklr Reads Australian, a month-long readathon where I encouraged everyone to pick up some Australian authors. I got to share and discover so many wonderful books and blogs through these two challenges and I can’t wait to find some new ways to interact with you all in 2020. 

But for now, my 2019 goals. I set 8 originally but this quickly became 7 when I realised that trying to read 12 series in 3 months was an absurd idea (even for me, who read a book a day for two months this year). Here’s how I fared with my challenges this year: 

Read 100 books. Success! I read 175 books, graphic novels, anthologies and short stories this year. 

End 2019 with a smaller TBR than what I started with - less than 604 books, going by my TBR spreadsheet. I’m honestly so proud that I managed this one. Going into 2020, I have only 400 books on my TBR and I can’t wait to shrink this number even more for next year. 

Minimise my book buying. Try to read and DNF more books than I buy. Another one I’m incredibly proud to say I achieved. I was way more scrupulous about the books I bought this year. Until this month, I didn’t buy new series without assurance from reviewers I trust and I haven’t bought books by authors I don’t like unless I was intrigued from reading the first few pages of the book. All in all, I read and DNF’ed 216 more books than I bought this year which is just absolutely phenomenal. 

Post reviews at least every Sunday and Thursday, using backlog reviews where necessary. In retrospect, this was a tricky challenge to keep track of but considering I posted reviews almost every day in June, July, August and October, I think I can consider this achieved. 

Reread The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater in preparation for the Dreamer Trilogy. I indeed read all of The Raven Cycle again and I absolutely loved it! It was so much fun reading it knowing how it ended - there were so many little easter eggs to pick up on and chuckle over. I haven’t dived into Call Down the Hawk but it’s high up on my 2020 list. 

Reread Fangirl and Carry On by Rainbow Rowell in preparation for Wayward Son. I didn’t reread Fangirl (because I completely forgot I intended to) but I reread Carry On and thoroughly enjoyed it. Another book that is so much more fun to read when you know how it ends. I’m so glad we’re getting another book because I will never be sick of Simon and Baz <3 

Interact with people on booklr more through reblogs, replies and discussions.  Again, a hard one to quantify. I feel like I’ve done well at this but there’s always room for improvement and I can’t wait to talk with you all more next year :) 

It’s been so much fun having all these goals to work towards this year so I’ve thought long and hard about the goals I want to set myself for 2020 to keep this sense of purpose around. So without further ado, my challenges for 2020 are: 

Read 50 books. I’m gonna have a lot of personal stuff to deal with this year on top of finding myself a job so I don’t wanna stress myself out with a big reading goal. 50’s nice and manageable and will allow me to really enjoy what I read. 

Read at least one book by an author of colour each month. I have so many authors of colour in my TBR - especially Asian authors - and I just want to make myself read them. I’ve gone through my books and have listed all the authors and I think I’m just going to read as many of that author’s books as I can in the given month. 

Cross off the books that have been on my TBR since 2016. I’ve got 12 books and series that have been on my TBR since 2016 so I’m going to read one each month until they’re all gone. 

Minimise my book buying. Try to read and DNF more books than I buy and buy fewer than I did in 2019. A repeated goal from last year with an extra little caveat. I don’t have any space for more books at this point so if I can cut back on buying books even more, that would be super helpful. 

Interact with people on booklr more through reblogs, replies and discussions.  Another repeat goal. I just want to keep improving my interaction levels and hopefully spread the proverbial bug to everyone else. Tumblr doesn’t work if we don’t interact with each other so I wanna talk more with all of you in 2020. 

I also want to use my TBR jar this year. I’m not making it a goal because there’s no way to measure it - I just want to use it, especially to help with clearing out my backlist a bit. I haven’t updated the jar in at least 12 months so I should find it helpful with that. 

I hope you all had a wonderful time reading in 2019. Here’s to another fantastic, bookish year full of magical stories and charming characters. Happy New Year everyone - Em xoxo

[luthienebonyx]

So in late July, I decided to do Writer’s Month, which meant writing something in response to each daily prompt for the whole of August. “31 ficlets! I can do that!” I thought. “I’ll have a fix-it AU and a modern AU, and I should be able to write some little episodes for one or the other every day for a month!”

I tend to be the sort of writer who takes her time and thinks a lot, and worries about carefully polishing and all that sort of shit, but this time I was determined to just slam something out every day and see what happened.

All went well for the first two days. I wrote two ficlets set in the same fluffy little fix-it universe (honestly, the only surprising thing was that it was fluffy. I REALLY don’t do fluff. Except, apparently, that this pairing makes me write absolutely anything and everything, including fluff and character death and babyfic). Then came the third day, and the fateful prompt: coffee shop AU. This was the beginning of the modern AU, and also the beginning of the end of my control over this whole project.

The first modern AU ficlet, the actual coffee AU, was... fine. 

I’ve read an awful lot of American coffee AUs over the years, and quite a few British ones, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never read one set in Australia. I decided to be the first. But instead of setting the story somewhere sensible like, say, one of the several places where I’ve lived, I set it on the coast of northern New South Wales, near Byron Bay. I can’t even remember precisely why now. But anyway, that’s what I did.  I have travelled up and down the Pacific Highway and through Byron Bay many times when I was younger, but the last time I was there was about 15 years ago. (My partner helpfully suggested that I should listen to him because he knew the place better than I did, and then proceeded to tell me about the trip he’d taken up there in 1976. *eyeroll*)

So, anyway, my coffee AU is about British tourist Brienne, who gets left by the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere, after an argument with her arsehole travelling companion, Hyle, and so has to walk, dragging (what she thinks is) her luggage, until she makes it back to the last little town she remembers driving past. There, she finds a coffee shop, and a man who may or may not be a barista, and who is so good-looking that he may or may not be some sort of Hemsworth.

And THEN other prompts followed:

road trip - Jaime gives Brienne a lift to Byron Bay

sound - they’re still on the way to Byron Bay

kids - a conversation about (other people’s) kids while STILL on the way to Byron Bay, but they do actually finally get there in this one!

sports - featuring various sports for two. (This one’s e-rated, because they seemed to have been noticing each other quite a bit as well as talking and drinking coffee in that almost endless car trip.)

Then I had a day off and did some canon-universe-ish drabbles for the prompt ‘colours’.

But the coffee universe continued the next day with:

time travel - in which Brienne calls her friend Margaery in London, where it’s eleven hours ago, so... time travel!

Dark AU - it’s an AU and it’s the middle of the night, as Brienne sleeps and Jaime ponders his feelings. So... dark AU! It counts!

Then I had a bit of a health crash for a few days and got off schedule, before returning with:

feelings - in which Jaime feels things, and decides on a course of action.

whump - which turned out to be mostly about breakfast and romance, with a good dollop of comedy at Kafe Khaleesi, before... whump, (minor) car accident and the real world comes crashing in.

Then RL intruded for a few days, by which time I’d totally given up on the idea of writing a ficlet for every single prompt, partly because these stories were getting longer and more emotionally complicated, and there was just no way I could keep writing upwards of 4000 words every day. But I came back with one that had a lot of emotions and a lot of talking in it with:

dreams - Sometimes dreams are not what they seem.

Fairy tale - might have been tricky prompt to pull off in this setting, except that @slipsthrufingers reminded me of the existence of the Macadamia Castle just outside Byron Bay, so there were knights, macadamias and minigolf.

And now we’ve reached the current story, which has been a WIP since the 28th of August. The prompt for it is ‘weird’, and never was a prompt more appropriate. It has been a weird experience writing this story. I thought Jaime and Brienne were just going to go shopping in the middle of the night, but I’ve completed four chapters, it’s currently 15,000 words long, and we still haven’t made it to the shopping. I’m 3,000 words into what I sincerely hope will be the final chapter, so once we get past the sex scene (that they demanded) I’m hopeful that there will still be shopping. I think it’s likely to weigh in at about the 20,000 word mark when it’s done.

And yes, August is receding into the distance behind us, and I’m still nowhere near finished with this Aussie coffee ‘verse. Once I’m done with ‘weird’, there are still another seven prompts that I want to cover. I’m hoping VERY much that these will all be less than 6,000 words each, like every story in the series up until the one I’m still trying to finish. Anyway, the prompts still to come, in order, are:

summer, first time, hope, pining, death, flowers and celebration.

I’ve written 58,000 words for writer’s month all up so far, and 54,000 of that is the Aussie coffee ‘verse, so it really is pretty much a novel at this point. Except, um, that all the events have taken place over the space of two days. So, you know, don’t take it incredibly seriously.

And now I’d better get back to writing, if I’m ever going to get them to the point of going shopping.

But yeah, if you have been seeing me mentioning my coffee universe, and were wondering about it, wonder no more!

Banner by @ao3commentoftheday

[listening-to-thunder]

Guardian meta-meta: Censorship and Homosexuality in China

Important note: I am coming at all of this from an outsider's perspective. I am European, and speak no Chinese. This is all based on research and reading, and unfortunately some of my sources are paywalled. (Obviously as a librarian I'd be happy to help people find sources, so do get in touch if any of those articles sound interesting.)

This was originally posted here on my Dreamwidth, where there’s been excellent additions to the content in the comments.

This post was sparked by a comment in this post linking to interviews with Zhu Yilong and Bai Yu. It drove home that it's easy to come to actor interviews in a sort of vacuum, and for example find it a bit off-putting that an actor insist that because he's straight, it was psychologically hard to play a canonically (in the novel) bi/gay character. However, given the political situation in the People's Republic of China, every interview touching on sensitive subjects (and homosexuality is absolutely a sensitive subject) must out of necessity come with an aspect of performance, as there are things you absolutely cannot say. 

My thoughts on that kind of spiraled out of control, and so here's a long meta (meta-meta?) about Guardian, censorship and homosexuality in the PRC.

It got kind of long, so here's an index...?

Part 1: Guardian-specific

Guardian and Censorship

Guardian and Homosexuality in China

Part 2: Censorship

Depictions of homosexuality have been explicitly banned since March 2016

SO MUCH CENSORSHIP

Seriously, so much

New from 2018: Celebrities are ranked on a list of "Social Responsibility Assessment". Low score = DEEP SHIT

Oh yeah and porn is illegal and you will go to jail if too many people download your explicit m/m novel

Bonus: there's snitching money! If you turn people in for porn you get a reward

Also: censors can literally ban entire genres in one swoop

Part 3: Homosexuality in China

A brief overview based on research papers (as this is not anything I am qualified to speak of)

Guardian and Censorship

A recap of what happened this summer: Guardian did fantastic streaming on Youku - getting 1.8 billion views from its start June 13th until it finished at the end of July. And then, on August 2nd , it disappeared. The show's official Weibo account was similarly shut down. There was no word why this had happened, except of course - censorship.

While speculation was rife that it had something to do with very gay subtext (I mean, socialist brotherhood), it turns out the censors had a laundry list of complaints - however, the main characters' relationship was not one of them. When the show finally came back to Youku months later, the scenes that had been deleted were mainly ones of violence - but also lewd jokes and a key redemption scene had been removed. For a more detailed rundown, I highly recommend @foxghost��‘s post here on Tumblr.

Also the entire reason the novel is a supernatural mystery and the show has a "scientific" explanation for the world is that superstition is bad and depictions of the supernatural in anything after 1949 (when the Communist Party took over) is banned. They got a little too close to superstition with the original version of the show they filmed, in which Dixing was still called "Difu" (hell). But hey, that's why they have dubbing! The really terrible dubbing you can hear in places is where they've re-recorded any lines mentioning Difu, changing it to Dixing.

Guardian and Homosexuality in China

Since the Guardian TV show is not explicitly gay - and see below for reasons it couldn't be - Priest's novel is. And unlike the show, it is also set in China, so when Zhao Yunlan decides he is going to be with Shen Wei for the rest of his life, one of the consequences he faces is coming out to his parents. There are at least two chapters dealing with this, and they pack a real emotional punch (at least for someone who's been in a similar situation). Chapter 66 - Zhao Yunlan comes out to his mom (Wattpad link). Chapter 74 - Zhao Yunlan has a post-coming out talk with his dad (AO3 link). 

The biggest resistance Zhao Yunlan faces, here, is that his parents are afraid for his future - he can't legally marry his boyfriend, there is a social stigma against them, and by coming out as a couple they'll both face a lot of adversity. This, as far as I can tell, is a painfully realistic scene for many, many queer people in China.

Censorship in The People's Republic of China

Bullet points:

Depictions of homosexuality have been explicitly banned since March 2016

SO MUCH CENSORSHIP

Seriously, so much

New from 2018: Celebrities are ranked on a list of "Social Responsibility Assessment". Low score = DEEP SHIT

Oh yeah and porn is illegal and you will go to jail if too many people download your explicit m/m novel

Bonus: there's snitching money! If you turn people in for porn you get a reward

Also: censors can literally ban entire genres in one swoop

SO MUCH CENSORSHIP:

Starting with a couple of more recent sources and working backwards...

The Guardian, January 10th 2019 - tighter restrictions

...Political subjects topped the list, including Taiwan independence, criticism of Communist Party leaders, and parodying China’s national anthem.

The new rules also cover a wide range of other topics, including “money worship”, unhealthy views of marriage and love , and “unverified” footage of protests and gatherings.

The Guardian, December 31st 2018 - China's Year of Censorship

Authorities have been forcing activists on Twitter to delete their accounts and shutting down the social media accounts of university professors. Apolitical content is coming under more scrutiny. In October, almost 10,000 social media accounts for outlets publishing entertainment and celebrity news were closed.

The Guardian, March 4th 2016 - Depictions of gay people banned

The Chinese government has banned all depictions of gay people on television, as part of a cultural crackdown on “vulgar, immoral and unhealthy content”. Chinese censors have released new regulations for content that “exaggerates the dark side of society” and now deem homosexuality, extramarital affairs, one night stands and underage relationships as illegal on screen.

Seriously, so much: 

Censorship, censorship everywhere - some other bits and pieces...

China Digital Times, February 5th, 2019 - Roundup of (leaked) censorship clampdowns Oct-Dec 2018

The Guardian, January 18th, 2019 - Earrings on male stars censored

The Guardian, June 29th, 2018 - The Great Firewall of China: Xi Jinping’s internet shutdown

The Guardian, June 22nd, 2018 - ASMR videos banned

The Guardian, April 16th, 2018 - Protests as China Weibo bans homosexual content

A BBC Primer on Censorship in China from October 2017

Social Responsibility Assessments

Aka: A popular celebrity? Congratulations! You will be ranked on a Social Responsibility Assessment list. The passing grade is 60%. If you get a 0%, you disappear!

Welcome to every dystopian nightmare world! Last year China introduced a Social Responsibility Assessment, where 100 celebrities were ranked according to how Socially Responsible they had been 2017-2018. The passing score was 60% - only 9 people made that cut. As for the rest...

BBC News, September 11th, 2018

: "The report stressed that celebrities had to do more to promote "positive energy" and hinted that they needed to be more aware of behaviour and actions that might have a "negative social impact"."

And. This is when China disappeared Fan Bingbing!

The Guardian, October 4th, 2018 - Fan Bingbing's mysterious disappearance: what it means for China's elite

"Imagine if Jennifer Lawrence or Scarlett Johansson went missing and nobody knew where they had gone – even three months later. That is what happened to Fan Bingbing."

(The short version: she scored 0 on the list, disappeared completely, came back four months later and apologized for tax fraud while praising the Communist party, and disappeared again. She's very recently posted a New Year's greeting on Weibo. Make of that what you will.)

The list is right here, with names and scores. 

Observations my wife made when we looked at it: a lot of ethnic minority names at the bottom of the list. 

And though there isn't a source for this, Hu Ge (Nirvana in Fire's Mei Changsu) who is close to the bottom of the list very suddenly stopped acting in China and went to the US for "language lessons" for two years back in 2016. Why? Well obviously it wouldn't be Socially Responsible to talk about it, now would it! (Let's see who's on the list for 2018-2019. I would be surprised if Zhu Yilong hasn't made it, but then again, there are a lot of celebrities in China.)

But remember - you're not supposed to discuss the Social Responsibility Assessment, or talk about the crackdown on taxing the entertainment industry.

Oh yeah and porn is illegal and you will go to jail if too many people download your explicit m/m novel

Outcry as Chinese erotic writer jailed for more than 10 years over gay sex scenes in novel

Bonus: there's snitching money! If you turn people in for porn you get a reward

China raises reward for information on pornography

China ups cash rewards for citizens who report porn:

Starting December 1 [2018], people can rake in up to 600,000 yuan ($86,000) for reporting illegal content, online or otherwise, double the 300,000 yuan under previous guidelines. What counts as "illegal" content in China is broadly defined, but includes work that "endangers national unity", "leaks state secrets", and "disturbs social order" -- umbrella terms that are also sometimes used when authorities punish or silence Chinese dissidents and rights campaigners.

Also: censors can literally ban entire genres in one swoop

Jayne Stars, January 27th, 2019 - China Abruptly Halts Broadcast of Palace Dramas

For reasons including "the scheming plots of palace dramas are starting to negatively impact society’s way of life"

The Hollywood Reporter, April 13, 2011 - China Bans Time Travel Films & Shows

For reasons including "disrespecting history" - but really:

"Apparently unhappy with film and TV presenting even the fictional notion that China’s ability to provide happiness is a thing of the past for the average man..."

Homosexuality in the People's Republic of China

I am really not qualified to speak on this, so I've put together a few summaries from research papers I found on the topic.

Bullet points:

Sodomy illegal from the founding of the PRC until 1997

Homosexuality classified as a mental illness from the founding of the PRC until 2001

During the cultural revolution (1966-1976) homosexuality was seen as a "severe political fault"

Up toward 80% of the population view homosexuality as "wrong"

Because of the one-child policy, family pressure on children to be "normal" is really intense

Same-sex couples cannot get married or adopt children

Like other marginalized identities, homosexuality has been a sensitive topic in modern China (see Cao & Lu, 2014 for a review of the historical legacy of Chinese attitudes toward homosexuality). Especially during the period of Cultural Revolution (1966– 1976), homosexual behavior was considered a sign of capitalist condemnation and thus a severe political fault. The situation was worsened in the 1980s, when a large number of homosexual persons received penalties in the name of “hooliganism” (Yu, 2015). It was only in 1997 that homosexuality was decriminalized and in 2001 that it was removed from the list of mental illnesses. ( Cao, J., & Guo, L. (2016). Chinese “Tongzhi” community, civil society, and online activism. Communication and the Public, 1(4), 504–508. https://doi.org/10.1177/2057047316683199 (paywall))

China has a complicated history with and conflicting attitudes toward homosexuality. Before the fall of the last dynasty, there was occasional acceptance of same-sex relationships in some parts of the country, provided they did not undermine social harmony (Chou, 2001; Wong, 2007). Since the founding of the People’s Republic of China in 1949, homosexuality has never been explicitly illegal, although gay men were sometimes persecuted under overly broad “anti-hooligan” laws until 1997. Unlike societies dominated by Abrahamic religions, homosexuality is not itself treated as inherently sinful, although it is sometimes associated with negative stereotypes and moral deviance (Liu, 2013). More common an attitude is ignorance, in the truest sense, where citizens either do not know what homosexuality actually is, or do not believe it exists in China (Hildebrandt, 2011). (Timothy Hildebrandt (2018) The One-Child Policy, Elder Care, and LGB Chinese: A Social Policy Explanation for Family Pressure, Journal of Homosexuality, DOI: 10.1080/00918369.2017.1422946 (paywall))

Regardless of some significant social change, previous research indicates that the nature of the relationship between the authorities and LGBT people in China remains problematic (Bartram 2010; Hu and Wang 2013; Wei 2007). Research by Tu and Lee (2015) found LGBT people across China generally tend to conceal their sexuality due to the lack of legal protection, as well as family and social pressure, and a combination of these factors keeps most Chinese homosexual people in the closet. Individuals who participate in non‐heteronormative and non‐cisnormative identities/activities/behaviours are often punished by the justice system and pursued by the police leaving many LGBT people and their supporters liable to detention and arrest. (Miles‐Johnson, T. and Wang, Y. (2018), ‘Hidden identities’: perceptions of sexual identity in Beijing. The British Journal of Sociology, 69: 323-351. doi: 10.1111/1468-4446.12279 FULL PDF)

Of the challenges facing lesbian, gay, and bisexual people in China, pressure from family is widely seen as the most pervasive, intense, and troubling. That LGB Chinese experience high degrees of family pressure is not entirely surprising. Despite rapid economic growth in the last two decades, China is still a largely traditional society, as much influenced by Confucianism as Communism. The family unit is viewed as central to society and all children are expected to conform to their role within it: they should be successful in school and career, marry and have children, and take care of their parents and grandparents. Pressure from family members on LGB children to conform to traditional heterosexual norms is not isolated to China, nor is it necessarily worse than in other parts of the world. But we lack full and compelling explanations for why it is so prevalent and strong in any given context. (Timothy Hildebrandt (2018) The One-Child Policy, Elder Care, and LGB Chinese: A Social Policy Explanation for Family Pressure, Journal of Homosexuality, DOI: 10.1080/00918369.2017.1422946 (paywall))

Social attitudes toward male homosexuality in China so far are still not optimistic. First, Chinese traditional values emphasize the continuity of bloodlines. Second, HIV infection has increased at an alarming rate among gay males in recent years [14]. In this context, some Chinese people tend to associate gay men with AIDS [15]. Third, same-sex marriage is illegal and sexual minorities still experience stigma, prejudice, and the occurrence of negative events due to their sexual orientation [16]. Even same-sex behaviors may lead to rejection by one’s family and problems in the work setting [17]. As a result, some gay men choose to conceal their same-sex orientation (especially from their parents) [16] and choose opposite-sex marriage to ease the stress of being members of this minority (i.e., internalized homophobia). A study comparing men who have sex with men (MSM) from outside China with MSM in China using a global online survey found that MSM in China reported higher levels of internalized homophobia [18]. (Xu, W., Zheng, L., Xu, Y., & Zheng, Y. (2017). Internalized homophobia, mental health, sexual behaviors, and outness of gay/bisexual men from southwest china. International Journal for Equity in Health, 16 doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1186/s12939-017-0530-1 OPEN ACCESS)

Using the zero-inflated model and nationally representative sample data from the Chinese General Social Surveys 2013, this study systematically explored the effects of religion, modernizing factors, and traditional culture on attitudes toward homosexuality in China. The findings indicate that most Chinese people generally hold conservative attitudes toward homosexuality, as approximately 78.53% of the respondents believed that “same-sex sexual behavior is always wrong.” Modernizing factors (i.e., education, exposure to Internet information, and liberal inclinations) predicted greater tolerance for homosexuality, whereas Islamic beliefs negatively influenced respondents’ attitudes toward homosexuality. In contrast to the findings of the existing literature, Christian beliefs and traditional culture did not have significant effects on attitudes toward homosexuality. These findings may contribute to the literature by not only quantitatively testing the applicability of several factors identified in most Western studies of this topic but also providing new knowledge of attitudes toward homosexuality in the social context of China. (Ying Xie & Minggang Peng (2018) Attitudes Toward Homosexuality in China: Exploring the Effects of Religion, Modernizing Factors, and Traditional Culture, Journal of Homosexuality, 65:13, 1758-1787, DOI: 10.1080/00918369.2017.1386025 OPEN ACCESS)