#genderbent tsc

[thevagabondexpress]

i guarantee they would all be quicker to accept me with a crown on my head than you.

for some reason i cannot for the life of me draw on proper art paper but give me crappy lined notebook paper and oops there i go. have queen of london!judith with some broken 2x4 wings.

[lovelymaryj-recs]

Welcome!

Hello! This is my fanfiction recommendation blog. The fics in this blog were written by various authors from AO3, Quotev, and Tumblr. If you're looking for fics posted on Wattpad, please go to my Wattpad profile and check out my reading lists.

This blog isn't dedicated to any particular fandom, so don't be fooled by whatever my blog's current theme is. I post what I like. My main criterion to determine whether or not I post a fic here is whether or not I want to reread a fic someday. I'm a simple woman. (This blog is basically my library.)

Most of the fanfictions here are female reader or OC inserts. It's quite rare for me to post character/character fics because it's also rare for me to read character/character fics. Also, most, if not all, ships are straight. If they're supposed to be a gay ship, one of them is probably genderbent. Sorry. If that's not your cup of tea, you're free to click/tap away. Additionally, some fics may include dark content. If you don't know how to define that, maybe you shouldn't be looking at this blog. As always, you're free to leave if you don't like such fics.

Fandoms, characters and ships available (in alphabetical order, mostly):

[Note: To look for fics more efficiently, type the character/ship/fandom name in the search bar. Look for the name you used in the search bar in the tags of the results/posts. Click on the tag.

TLDR: Search by tags instead of just looking up the name using the search bar.]

Assassination Classroom | Anatsu Kyoushitsu (ASSCLASS)

Akabane Karma

Avatar: The Last Airbender (ATLA)

Zuko

Avatar: The Legend of Korra (LOK)

Mako

Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, The (TBOSAS) | The Hunger Games (THG)

Coriolanus Snow

Black Butler | Kuroshitsuji (BB)

Alois Trancy Ciel Phantomhive Sebastian Michaelis

BTS

Kim Namjoon Kim Seokjin Min Yoongi Jung Hoseok Park Jimin Kim Taehyung Jeon Jungkook

Bungou Stray Dogs (BSD)

Dazai Osamu

DC

Batfamily & Batsis Bruce Wayne Damian Wayne Damian Wayne / Mar'i Grayson (Demonfire) Dick Grayson Jason Todd Kaldur'ahm Kyle Rayner Roy Harper

Death is the Only Ending for a Villainess | Villains are Destined to Die

Penelope Eckhart | Cha Siyeon / Callisto Regulus (Calliope)

Folk of the Air, The (TFOTA)

Jude Duarte / Cardan Greenbriar (Jurdan)

Genshin Impact (GI)

Diluc Ragnvindr

Haikyuu!!

Akaashi Keiji Bokuto Koutarou Hinata Shouyou Hoshiumu Kourai Iwaizumi Hajime Kozume Kenma Kuroo Tetsurou Meian Shuugo Miya Atsumu Miya Osamu Oikawa Tooru Sakusa Kiyoomi Sawamura Daichi Sugawara Koushi Suna Rintarou Tsukishima Kei Ushijima Wakatoshi

Harry Potter (HP) | Marauders

Draco Malfoy Draco Malfoy / Hermione Granger (Dramione) Female Harry Potter / Draco Malfoy (Drarry) James Potter James Potter / Female Regulus Black (Jegulus) Regulus Black Remus Lupin Sirius Black

Harry Potter: Magic Awakened (HPMA)

Daniel Page

Hogwarts Legacy (HPHL)

Ominis Gaunt Sebastian Sallow

Honkai: Star Rail (HSR)

Dan Heng / Stelle (Danstelle)

How to Train You Dragon (HTTYD)

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III

Jujutsu Kaisen (JJK)

Fushiguro Megumi Fushiguro Toji Getou Suguru Gojo Satoru Ieiri Shoko Itadori Yuuji Kugisaki Nobara Kamo Chousou Nanami Kento Ryoumen Sukuna

Little Women

Theodore "Laurie" Laurence

Love and Deepspace

Sylus

Marvel | Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)

Bucky Barnes Loki Peter Parker

Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (MLB)

Adrien Agreste

My Hero Academia | Boku no Hero Academia (MHA | BNHA)

Amajiki Tamaki Bakugou Katsuki Shinsou Hitoshi Takami Keigo Todoroki Shouto Todoroki Touya | Dabi

Night Manager, The

Jonathan Pine

Percy Jackson and the Olympians (PJO) | Riordanverse | Heroes of Olympus (HOO)

Apollo / Female Percy Jackson (Perpollo) Female Percy Jackson Percy Jackson

Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (PGSM) | Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon (BSSM)

Chiba Mamoru / Tsukino Usagi (Usamamo)

Shadowhunter Chronicles, The (TSC)

Jem Carstairs / Tessa Gray (Jessa) Jem Carstairs / Tessa Gray / Will Herondale (Herongraystairs) Tessa Gray / Will Herondale (Wessa)

SPY x FAMILY (SXF)

Loid Forger | Twilight / Yor Briar Forger | Thorn Princess (Twiyor)

Tears of Themis (TOT)

Artem Wing Luke Pearce Marius von Hagen Vyn Richter

Tokyo Revengers (TOKREV)

Akashi Takeomi Haitani Ran Haitani Rindou Hanemiya Kazutora Kakuchou Kokonoi Hajime Sano "Mikey" Manjirou Sanzu Haruchiyo

TOMORROW X TOGETHER (TXT)

Choi Yeonjun

Twisted Wonderland (TWST)

Ace Trappola Azul Ashengrotto Cater Diamond Deuce Spade Epel Felmier Floyd Leech Idia Shroud Jack Howl Jade Leech Jamil Viper Kalim Al-Asim Leona Kingscholar Lilia Vanrouge Malleus Draconia Riddle Rosehearts Rook Hunt Ruggie Bucchi Sebek Zigvolt Silver Trey Clover Vil Schoenheit

Umbrella Academy, The (TUA)

Five Hargreeves

Wonka

Willy Wonka

There are more fics of certain fandoms and there are more fics of certain characters. Nonetheless, as long as they're listed above, there's at least one (1) fanfiction of them in here somewhere.

Happy reading! <3

[lmelodie]

THE POLL HAS SPOKEN! Yall get a smaller doodle dump this day (Blinter will be next week for certain)

More experimenting with style but with Kills this time. I am really liking the added gray to be honest. I myself often forget that he is physically in his fifties just because he has the energy of someone in their twenties with nothing to lose. But he is old man and I love him.

MORE GENDERBENT AU! I have a handful of doodles of more characters for this AU. Including MILF!Jack who is just constantly serving aint gonna lie. AS IS DUDE CHIMERA. Hot = Hot not matter the gender and that's true for everyone here. The pull of Lady Bernard is STRONG with this AU

Lucy and Ryder! I have a whole series of Epilogue Stories planned about the stories after the story, and one of those (hopefully) is gonna expand on Lucy and Ryders dynamic. I don't even know if it's even gonna be romantic! Maybe! We’ll see. 

A TSC Discord specific image of MN and Bman. Idk, I like em. They have fun.

Lucy Beach episode! I wanted to post this with the actual Beach EP ask I received but the cropping was all kinds of out of whack, but she’s here now. Ready to OWN Charlies ass at volleyball. 

[streettealee]

Madman’s Blues

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34986475/chapters/87132925

Madman’s Blues is the first book of a genderbent retelling of The Last Hours. And I want you to read it.

You’ve got body diversity among the now male cast (tell me you’re also tired of the cookie-cutter ab-ridden teens and up that permeate TSC and all the scrawny guys because heaven forbid a male-presenting love interest be as physically rounded as dearly beloved female characters), which also includes a short king and his scary (and tall) gf. We have plot that doesn’t hinge solely on miscommunication. Also: healthier lesbians. What more do I need to say. There are hot scenes, sad scenes, beautiful scenes, disturbing scenes, and pretty hilarious ones. 

The genderbent series is also complete, from Chain of Gold events all the way up to the end of Chain of Thorns. 

I’m sure a lot of you have already seen or read some of this (as you should), but I want to try and get others who haven’t to read too. This fic and this author, @thevagabondexpress, are what brought me into fandom again. Sure, TLH and TSC in general was the main thing, but I don’t think I would have had the confidence to continue to be here right now without the existence of this fanfic series. That means a lot of my own fics wouldn’t exist. 

So, read Madman’s Blues. Read on from there. And show the author some love. It doesn’t matter that it’s already complete - an author will always appreciate knowing they did something that matters to readers. 

[faithfromanewperspective]

and this is why your genderbent series was so eye opening

It just kills me when writers create franchises where like 95% of the speaking roles are male, then get morally offended that all of the popular ships are gay. It’s like, what did they expect?

[thevagabondexpress]

progress marches on: the epilogue

this episode: the world's awfulest man content warning: this episode is a showcasing of how lacking patient confidentiality procedures were in the 1800s.

Hugo swallowed. He did not accept the tea. He looked back, nervous, at the metal man hulking in the doorway.

"He won't hurt you," the grandmother said. "Bobby isn't a war machine, he's harmless. Just here to hold the doors and fetch the tea."

"Cheaper than a human staff, wouldn't you say?" her younger companion crowed. Her eyes twinkled with some kind of sickening mirth.

@tleeaves @chaosandtwo @quantummeep @oursoulstheyplay @faithfromanewperspective @caterpillarinacave

[faithfromanewperspective]

james/judith herondale, neurodivergence and the sticky lens of gender

Girl in a dress with black curling hair in a low ponytail. Resigned, brave, so used to the shadow world and the uncertainty and horror it brings on a regular basis, that it's just a part of everyday life. She's the James we know, yes, but the vibe seems a little different. As if the world were viewed through a different colour lens, or you woke up suddenly in a different dimension where things are similar enough to be familiar, but just feel off. Unmistakable, yet. She's a bit more blunt, and her independence hits a little different. Especially when she seems so fragile, her story narrated through a sheen of sadness. She's cold, and her hands always are, golden eyes not a symbol of warmth--maybe she reminds us a little of the midnight heir. Or nbs. But, as the reader, you want nothing more than to hug her, until whatever's got her so wound up disintegrates, and you're left with a character that's so interesting you can see why they had to be characterised twice.

Recently, I have gotten into the amazing @thevagabondexpress's genderbent tlh series (seriously, check them out, they are in some ways better than the originals and I do not say that lightly). Anyway, like any good protest song/punk album should, they got me thinking. A lot. About something I thought was mostly a social construct and relatively inconsequential until it changed the whole plot more and more as the series went on--and gave me a new way of viewing some of the characters I thought I might share.

First, we visit James (the one character I'll fight anyone for interpretations of), reconstructed as Judith Herondale.

I never thought this recharacterisation would get me so emotional! I guess it hit me how much I'm used to really well characterised male characters in tsc--and female not so much. But, as it turns out, it doesn't have to be this way. And my mind is blown. Because it's been a long time, so long I can't remember, probably back to my tween years and jacqueline wilson novels, since I've seen a female character that just stands out beyond the pages and shows me things about myself that I hadn't seen before in bold, enthralling colour. She's James, but she's not. (this is long long, you've been warned!)

The first thing I noticed was that Judith's independence and stubborn need to solve any problem or mystery that arises is a bit more noticeable--in contrast to what's expected of a woman of the era. She reminds me a little of Clary actually. But I think what stands out is that, unlike a lot of our female protagonists, she doesn't have a male character showing her the ropes or taking the lead in all the adventures she leads her friends on. And, somehow, still, it seems unusual and unsafe for a girl to be going on her own to do what she does. When she wanders around London after the breakup with Grace. It seems a little more unhinged, desperate, and a little more noticeable. And there are more occasions similar to this, I don't want to spoil it for the reader (the plot deviates from canon quite a lot especially as the series progresses). But my point is, it leaves you as the reader worried. A lot of things about Judith do, actually.

Second, James is said to be the leader of his friend group; Judith definitely is. She takes care of her little brother and his friends. She's most at home with the rest of the Revolutionary... something (aka the Merry Thieves in canon) and I love love love seeing the friendship the four of them have (or at least Judith has with the other three). Gender doesn't change that, and it's really refreshing to see those kind of intense, no-pretense, light-in-the-darkness kinds of friendships among women. Makes me miss my primary school friend group, but also, for the first time, shows me something of what we could still be, represented in our own gender. Yes, this friend group have their own problems, and they suffer as they would when Judith slowly unravels (more on that later). But for now, overall, I love how she takes care of the others, especially Christa (in comparison to canon, because James and Christopher was a friendship I didn't see explored or resolved the way it deserved, and James does sometimes treat him in a bit of a derogatory way). Still, just as James does encourage and support his friends to thrive as they are and access the things that bring them joy, Judith also does something similar in the way she leads them on adventures. I don't know if a style of leadership that isn't too bossy and more collaborative is harder to recognise as leadership at all when a man does it than a woman? Or maybe our canon James doesn't actually live up to his 'leader' role on page as much as Judith does. I'm not sure. Please comment!

Just like James, Judith seems more neurodivergent during alt-COI and after, during the enchantment and after it's off and she's making sense of what's happened to her--but then going back to alt-COG, you can kinda fill in the gaps. She's definitely (probably) autistic and reminds me of someone. Some kind of stereotypical female protagonist who solves things and is stubborn--Anne of Green Gables? Nancy Drew? Scout Finch? Seriously, guys, let me know who it might be. I don't have the best memory for books (and shows) I consumed 10-20 years ago. Unless it's Clary again. I can't remember. But, back to James, I think seeing Judith has reminded me of how he reminds me much more of a more common female protagonist who you're kinda viewing the story through their eyes and they don't have a larger-than-life personality like many of our Herondale or otherwise men do. (I find it kind of refreshing, and hey, he is Tessa's son, and not everyone can be Matthew Fairchild.) But somehow, Judith manages to be both. A bigger personality, in some ways? Or is it just James as a girl is more jarring and more memorable? Or is she slightly different? Or is it just that she's culturally more allowed to feel her feelings? (More on this later). Anyway, her personality stands out, but also not. She's kind of a shadow, quiet, going through the world not really as the centre of people's attention, not really wanting to be, liking to be on equal footing with her friends. Slow to open up, ready to escape a bit with a book or something at most times (or literally turn into shadow), most at home with a small circle of similar friends. Uncomfortable with being taken care of--whether out of preference or just not thinking of anyone ever taking care of her, we're not sure. Probably seems lost in her head quite often though she's present with those closest to her or who she's focused on to solve something. Especially when she's not under an enchantment. Feels, processes things quietly, uncomfortable with crowds but not standing up for what's right or true in front of them. On guard with a world who so often say hurtful things, but accepts and has processed things the way they are, and yet, does always seem to be weighed down by something (we discussed PDD/dysthymia, and as Thomas says, 'James's eyes were always haunted'). Shadowed. She's a lot like James, like she should be. So why does her personality seem to stand out more? Is it just because when a boy has ideas and likes to feel things alone rather than talk about it immediately, it's normal, but when a girl does she's awkward and headstrong? Or is there more to it?

I had a bit of a theory based on something I noticed about James that was taken away to--increase the efficiency and effectiveness of the plotline. So that miscommunication doesn't do more damage than actual demons. And that is this weird insecurity James has about worrying his parents. It's like he senses that they long for him to be happy and have friends and everything. You know Will and Tessa. It makes perfect sense. And James being James, he feels I think both a little suffocated by this and pressure to make them happy in return (good old slight accidental neurodivergent enmeshment, not that I think they're actually enmeshed per se, just all very sensitive to each other's emotions and slightly misapplying principles of kindness and well-wishing with blurry boundaries. or maybe that's the definition of enmeshment). Anyway, he does this as subconsciously as any form of neurodivergent masking for those of us who are also high-masking and intuitively highly attuned to others' energies: he puts on a facade, the way he communicates, to try and tell them what they want to hear. Be what they want him to be (and actually beats himself up a fair bit when he isn't, especially when he was younger). It develops into lying being his go-to response when he doesn't feel safe enough or the right kind of focused attention that adults around him can afford, to tell the truth. He's such a well-intentioned and relatable liar. Something about how the nervous system works and a lesson on how honesty is a two-way street made much more feasible by communicated safety, acceptance and lack of reactivity. I could go on. Cordelia is kind of the same, James finds it relatable, and it almost destroys their marriage about a thousand times in its first month. I can relate. Many of you can too. Take it as a lesson. Practice cultivating both honesty and the environment it thrives in. And if you want to see what happens when it's actually used, take a look at this AU.

Judith is more direct, and this, I think, comes out in both her narration and the actual plot. Because James' 'I'm-actually-okay' masking comes out even in the way he thinks/communicates. He goes through life, feeling and experiencing everything in the moment as it is, but it's as if he accepts it so as not to dwell on it and worry something. He seems like he's taking skills from therapy and taking them a little too far. Or is I-must-not-worry-or-burden-you just the only language he knows? Probably both. Judith, on the other hand, yes she feels so much she dissociates herself all the way into shadow and teleporting MUCH farther than just Chiswick at least once, but her habitual go-to isn't straight up lying, or concealing anything, really (it could have saved her getting arrested like Cordelia did for James if she was a bit more like him, or maybe not, but it is how it is). And as a result, everything is closer to the surface and you can't help but want to give her a hug. There it is. I think I mostly answered my own question. And it's great, too, to have female characters you can just feel so easily as a reader. Who don't seem to be masking in the way they communicate (narrate). Refreshing. We need more examples of this.

And that, also, I think is why as a reader it can be harder to see just how much James is going through during TLH. Combined with the fact Cordelia does view him through kind of rose-coloured glasses (which, honestly, is more what James needs in comparison to either sympathy which he hates or the bigoted disgust at his heritage that definitely has impacted his self-esteem). Whereas, I think with Judith it's a lot easier. And it's physically painful when we see her slowly losing it, or her guilt later, once she can feel things again. And yet, she's also very practical even then, able to pour herself into the task at hand. As stubborn and resilient as she is fragile. As resourceful as she is disabled, both happy to rely on others in respectful community and able to rescue herself and others as well. She bends the simple categories we put characters in based on their personalities, seeming to be multiple contradictory things. Which is both what a realistic person does, and is just like James. No one only needs rescuing, and no one is only a rescuer. Certainly not when we try to put gendered stereotypes on those things. Judith would hate being helpless, if you thought that was what a woman was supposed to be. And James would hate that too, but he would also lose the humanity, sensitivity and relatableness we love so much if he were only a hero. And Cordelia would lose her admirer. No one wants that.

I really liked Claude and Judith's relationship dynamic: it was realistic and still an abstraction of canon, even if Judith, if she has loved Claude romantically for years like James has Cordelia, she doesn't realise it yet (even once the spell is gone). They respect each other and mostly stand up for themselves too. I wish we could get more of Judith trying to figure out what she felt (just to see how it compares to canon). But maybe romance is romanticised as much as gender is normalised in the colours we're told to view the world through, and this is both more realistic and actually healthy--as healthy as you can get given the circumstances.

Overall, there's one big change (more honesty), a small one (lack of romanticising romance and unchanging childhood love) and I think the rest is pretty consistent between James and Judith, but the way I at least perceived it, are coloured by the view we have of gender (and the Big Change does exacerbate some of this, and also some of it does unfortunately have to do with physical safety less than purely constructed social norms). Of many of the things that are common and were abstracted, I could say are hard to capture and translate into a different context but still do equally.

Judith got me thinking a lot, because James is a character I relate to a lot both with how I mask my neurodivergence and personality, and what's actually underneath, and seeing a 'female version' I guess (who is also more unmasked) made me double take a fair bit and think--am I actually like that, when I'm not pretending to be what they want to see of me? And maybe, just maybe, that's actually a pretty cool thing to be.

*they/them referring to the quadrilogy, not its author (who did such a great job and got me thinking so much through the stories). This character will always remind me to eat some iron when I feel the depression setting in. Just to cover all bases. Stay tuned for more of said thinking about the other characters!

[daddyblackthorn]

Genderbent TSC [1/?]

"A cruel sort of bond, he thought, that made one person out of two people, and left such devastation when half was gone." Cassandra Clare, QOAAD.

[thevagabondexpress]

nobody knows, nobody will ever know, and it's one of them burying a body in the woods because the soul who owned it doesn't want or need it anymore except for the magic its burial holds and the soul who owned it is sitting there beside him and she can feel the grass beneath her feet for the first time.

@chaosandtwo @4uru @litanyofthemartyrs

YES many dynamics have like 7 of these at once. but i'm in A Mood. tell me about ur faves and their awful bullshit.

[beclynn-herondale]

Moodboard things of genderbent TMI gang (plus Joan ) for my au

(yes I used Taylor Swift lyrics)

Tag list: @khaleesiofalicante Dani this is also for you 😎 @chibi-tsukiko @spotsandclawsthings @megs-readstoomuch @magnus-the-maqnificent @replayfootsteps @my-archerboy @jazzkaurtheglorious @simply-ellas-stuff @bookfast-at-tiffanys

[adrishya]

[image description: side profile of genderbent Ty Blackthorn, with her hair in a bob, blue headphones around her neck decorated with a blue star design, eyes half closed and eyelashes downcast, against blue blackdrop with a crescent moon and stars. End description]

I drew genderbent Ty Blackthorn!!! 

[poisonbooknerd]

Fairytale AU: Jemma as a genderbent Little Mermaid.

“Julian is a merman that longs to be in the human world. He loves the people he glimpses and the treasures that find their way to below the Sea’s surface. Looking for a part of such a treasure, he gets caught in a storm. The same storm that takes out Emma's ship Cordelia.The fearsome pirate, left with no other choice, makes port in a town. The same town close to Julian's home under the sea.

With Cordelia decommissioned for repairs, Emma needs parts.

Julian see the beauteous pirate from afar and finds a way to become human for 48 hours. Turns out they are looking for the same part.

Reaching for it at the same time, their hands touch and a whirlwind quickfire romance starts.”

I'm turning this into a fanfic. If I can get enough people interested. If you are interested please let me know. And also let me know if you wanna be tagged in the chapters….

[khaleesiofalicante]

@beclynn-herondale is THE shit.

She creates the funniest and coolest and most thought provoking content. She ain’t afraid to call you either 😎

She creates a lot of content around clace, jace, tmi gang and the circle. She also loves genderbent tsc characters!!!

So if that’s your jam, then you know what to do.

Thank you, Bec for making this fandom an amazing one. I don’t say this often - but you are fucking cool.

[thevagabondexpress]

firstly, this is just a really good bardcore version of "running up that hill" and y'all should listen to it. edward and gaveston will thank you.

secondly. judith rhiannon josephine herondale. what are you doing? how did you get into the background art here?

[faithfromanewperspective]

@thevagabondexpress sums up a big part of my appreciation for your fics

"let women be mean" you guys cant even handle a female character being friends with the two male main characters

[faithfromanewperspective]

The sticky lens of gender, part 2: Michelle/Matthew Fairchild, scandal, mortal danger, self-harm, healing love, and Bejeweled

Can she still make the whole place shimmer? Does she need to, and could a woman even be expected to at all, in Edwardian London?

@thevagabondexpress has a habit of creating (or rather reimagining) the most heartbreaking and endearing and three-dimensional characters (thus pausing my fic writing so I can do this instead in the same document while I’m on the bus outside places I can connect to wi-fi, my phone having died just at the very end of Easy For You To Say, so now I’m listening to Cold As You from the CD I burned onto my laptop last decade. Xe should become a famous fantasy author. And my fic will be better after analysing the characters from this perspective—that is, a parallel universe in which everything is shifted just enough to feel trippy. Maybe the series drugged me, or maybe I went to Tasmania. See, I’m going off on tangents like Matthew Fairchild would, I’m not sure about Michelle).

Misha’s probably the one character that the story had to change the most. And the main thing I’ll attribute it to, other than the fact that the events of Cast Long Shadows couldn’t happen to a genderbent Charlotte and Henry, is the extreme double standard when it comes to sexual expression and scandal. Different trauma and a different event she just can’t let go of. Overall, it means, similarly to Judith, that I think we see a little clearer how fragile she is, and just how much she’s suffering alone. So buckle up for a long post (and there's a playlist coming).

I’m trying to trace the cause-and-effect between story and perception, where the impact of society on these characters has created the rift between the Revolutionary Company (?) and the Merry Thieves. Maybe it’s in their group name but the general vibe I get is that they seem a lot more unhappy. Or they hold their pain a lot closer to the surface. Michelle starts off like this, at least. As time goes on—not so much. (Which is maybe why I’m so worried about her). I think this is where it’s most obvious that it was written pre-Chain of Thorns, where most of Matthew’s story arc (which might be my favourite in all of TSC) happens. Misha hasn’t gotten there yet. Maybe she’s not the same person, off chasing colourful adventures. Maybe she would be, given she marries someone who has. Maybe a girl who’s creative and charming and friendly wouldn’t get the same attention and validation that a boy would, but criticised, chastised, corrected. Wouldn’t develop the confidence to travel alone, but would be drawn to someone who did. Maybe this is a prime example of the intersection of growing up female and neurodivergent, in a society where there were a lot of pressures on women (and it’s true, isn’t it, that the lack of demons in London for so many years was what catalysed the importation of mundane prejudices and silly social rules into the Enclave). She beats herself up over everything. She’s less unapologetically herself, and instead, the self-destructiveness behind the things she does are more obvious, given that it’s not just being a bohemian, it’s endangering her life without thought to the consequences. As if the consequences of staying still would be worse than whatever could be out there—I understand that one all too well. I’d be so worried if I were Hattie and Chester. I’m surprised Judith isn’t, and Tracey too. I can see why Fields is. But there’s not a lot any of them can do, except be there without judgement.

And I think that’s true of Matthew as well. It’s been coined on here a fair bit that his promiscuity (is that a mean word to say? I don’t want to mean it that way) is a form of self-harm, and I’d say also escapism. I’d say his whole experience with Downworld is, from that first day in CLS Jem saw him at the Shadow Market: he seems almost too happy and in awe then, as if it’s so starkly contrasted to the constraining, unbearable, painful-but-he-doesn’t-know-why life that he’s just high on all of it, and that high makes him unstable. It’s both a form of hypomania that I’m only starting to learn how to conceptualise (in my view, I may be wrong) and an abstraction of the way that people who have been abused as children tend to seek out (unintentionally, but it feels familiar but different enough to trick them into thinking it’s healthier, while having no concept of that that actually is) relationships that are also abusive. In Matthew’s case, the Hell Ruelle treat him as—what was it?—“a silly child, who is drawn to the flame because it is beautiful, without thinking that he might get hurt”—or something along those lines. It’s exciting and thrilling rather than dull responsibility, but either way, he grew up taking care of his father and feeling like he had no value otherwise, and now he spends his free time being entertaining and flirtatious and feeling like he has no value otherwise. I think in Matthew’s case that isn’t specifically addressed—his drinking is, and it’s linked back to that one traumatic event, but if you can read between the lines there is so much more that he’s caught up in and it’s kind of terrifying. Somehow, having a genderbent character makes it more explicit: that Michelle’s lifestyle could have killed her if it weren’t for her dog. It just hits you that there’s this little 17-18yo girl who can’t stop running into danger, she’s so loved by the other characters and yet running from a kind of torment the reader mostly sees from the outside. (Also I love the conceptualisation of Hattie and how much she cares for her but doesn’t know how). Misha’s the kind of character you want to take care of so overwhelmingly, but it’d be almost impossible to do so in a sustainable way: she keeps everyone, even her parabatai, at arm’s length so she doesn’t take them down with her. And I don’t know how to work with that, but I do relate and I do find that I want to imagine the possibilities of how she might feel better (it’s for me as much as her, and pretty similar to what a lot of us on here do in our matthew fics).

I think the first example we see of this is the shadow-to-chiswick event where Judith just disappears after Misha calls her a child of demons and says that’s where she belongs (canon). But what we don’t see in canon is the way Tracey and Christa send her home after and get mad she said that (in canon matthew is tearing apart the Institute trying to find James). And I know it was plot so she could go out and do things with fields. But I feel like that event kinda broke Misha’s friendship with the others, which, as we see in Chain of Thorns, was something Matthew really needed. Anyway, I feel like their paths branch off quite significantly from there; unfortunately it does mean we miss out on a lot of the parabatai relationship we see between James and Math. But in some ways it does suit these au characters better: both are very independent, and self-destructive in different ways. Not that James and Matthew aren’t, but a lot of what they go through is cushioned by privilege and the simple fact that men can wander around and get up to whatever bad ideas they like, without too great social repercussions or worries for their safety. While I’m there, I think another thing that would’ve been really cool to explore is Misha’s friendship with Addison (alt-Anna) and how they could’ve been there for one another in a way most couldn’t (and in the way we see Matthew and Anna doing exactly that). But instead we have Fields.

Because Misha’s scandal and trauma was to do with a romantic relationship (with an older girl, who was such a careless predator and I hate that for her, I bet she was targeted as the Consul’s daughter the same way Matthew was by Mother Hawthorne) it makes sense to resolve that by putting her in a relationship that has the potential to bring healing. And Fields is also an older girl, which I don’t think really matters but what does is that she is respectful, kind, caring, and wants Misha to heal—at times almost in a forceful way, but she’s self-aware of that and also very much able to radically accept and hold space for her the way her friends and family aren’t able to. Where she doesn’t feel like she has to put her own struggles on hold to look after them. (Matthew also does feel like he has to put his own struggles aside to take care of his friends, which he does imperfectly but it does seem to actually keep him going more often than not: the need to still be a full-functioning shadowhunter I think means his pride is able to keep him from giving up a lot of the time, combined with the love he has for his friends—but for a man to be the mum-friend is seen as going above and beyond; for a woman, it’s kind of expected and we kind of are expected to put our needs on hold to care for absolutely everyone else and then gaslit about having needs or struggles in the first place, creating an endless pile of demands for us to hurt ourselves with when there is no other feasible way out. So I think it is good for Misha to have this taken off her chest even with one person, even if it does mean the close vibe of the girls at the start of the story disintegrates rather than strengthens with what they go through, as it does for the Merry Thieves.)

Speaking of scandal and trauma and how helpless women were at the time, I think one thing that really broke my heart to read was the way Misha collected letters etc that might lead towards Lisette (that’s her name, right) getting some sort of justice. She can’t have much retribution (at least, she doesn’t seem to have the capacity, connections-wise, mental space-wise, etc, to press charges the way Alice does against Claire). She’s also being abused by her older sister, and neither her parents nor parabatai and other friends seem to have the resources to hold space for her to simply let her guard down and just be. Fields does. It’s hard for her, when she has so little power: she has the fame of being the Consul’s daughter, but in some ways it’s worse than not having that at all as all it means is she gets more scrutiny and no real impact. Her Big Trauma was having her secrets and privacy and dignity put in the hands of those who don’t care about her, so many of them, who just judge her and scrutinise and victim-blame until there is no escape. She feels trapped, she was barely holding it together to begin with, and Fields brings with her stories and promise of freedom. In some ways, she’s perfect for Misha. I don’t know if there would be some counterpart who would be perfect for Matthew when he has the ability to chase freedom on his own (also, I think Math can really be himself around James, whereas Judith is very distracted and doesn’t have the  same emotional intelligence that would be able to hold the waterfall of hurt Misha keeps to herself; James finds Matthew both relatable and the fact that he’s a lot more transparent than Misha also makes it easier to air out what exactly he’s feeling, which, I think, often would fall under dysphoric mania). But that leads me to my final point.

This one’s inspired by Taylor Swift’s Bejeweled, the first instalment in my Misha playlist which also includes Tina Arena’s You Set Fire To My Life (@ fields maybe) as well as Taylor Swift’s Tied Together With A Smile, long story short, Cold As You, Innocent, Picture to Burn, Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve, Lavender Haze, mirrorball, and the lakes; Imagine Dragons’ Giants, Dull Knives, and Easy Come Easy Go, 5 Seconds of Summer’s Red Line, TEARS!, COMPLETE MESS, Easy For You To Say, Jet Black Heart, Moodswings, and Rejects; Ashton Irwin’s Heart Shaped Box, Scar, and Drive; Luke Hemmings’ Slip Away, and Diamonds; Little Big Town’s The Thing That Wrecks You; and Delta Goodrem’s Safe to Believe. But the reason I highlight Bejeweled is that it’s a song about discovering yourself as someone who brightens the mood and is the life of the party, after being held back by a relationship, by demands and expectations. Misha is very much held back, except in her case it might be a relationship that helps her find herself again. But it’s too soon to know, I think—I haven’t seen if she is able to become the life of the party like Matthew is, discover herself, create, and brighten up the world.