#gawd damn they make me nauseous

[royalthorned]

nagini/remus???? please tell me more!!! (only if you would like to ofc <3)

they are the leftovers! they don’t belong to each other, they carry their love for their soulmate with them but they sit side in-front of a fire and read poetry. they teach each other how to love the way their past lovers taught them and they go on weekend trips

it sounds demented but they are my favourite marauders ship at this point. they are domestic and realistic. broken down monsters who want to be normal with someone. remus leaves to transform and nagini stays in the apartment to revert. they are two sides of the same coin and gentle with shaking hands and mistrusting hearts

[soysaucevictim]

Oh dear gawd, was today's WO sesh p damn miserable thanks to GI issues (especially upper, bleh).

But got it done anyways.

Today's DD was 30 climber taps. Shoulda worn something with shorter sleeves - 'cause they bunched up under my palms a few times making floor grip dodgy a few times. On top of phantoms of heartburn...

Day 25 of the BP was done at Level 3, no superset today, rested 30" in between each of the sets. Boy did I need it. Calves felt a bit stiff going into the calf raises - but was generally pretty okay in all the balance work. The part that made things so much more unpleasant were the squat holds. Mostly, the strain just kinda made everything all angry with me.

But I finished it, albeit nauseous enough to feel need to put wet towel around neck to simmer down.

Mountain Dew, coffee milk, pizza, and a few slices of sourdough just was a baaad combo going into this mess... orz

[theveteranside]

 ROUND 1

Qualifying on the crew serve weapons out in "Midland" in Iraq is an all day affair. If you qualify on just one crew serve, still, it takes all fucking day. In my case, I trained on the .50 cal, but what did my platoon sergeant say after I zeroed? "S******! Zero on the 240!" I was about to get up and move to the 240. "WRONG! Roll over and zero on the 240!" So, I rolled over. Zeroed on the 240. "Good! Now roll over and zero the 249!" Fuck me. Rolled over and zeroed on the 249 SAW. "Beautiful, S******! Goddamn beautiful. We're gonna get you qualified on all three by the time we leave here!"

Well, shit. I guess I'm qualifying on all three crew serves. 

It was hot as shit, no shade, and I barely ate anything that morning. In that kind of heat, that's the wrong thing to do.

After zeroing on the crew serves I felt like complete shit. Dizzy, nauseous, tunnel vision. Then....I yakked. Fuck me, now I'm a heat casualy. Here's a bit of advice: Especially in excessive heat, be sure to hydrate. But also, don't overhydrate. It's just as dangerous as dehydration. Which means, fucking eat something so your body has sustenance. 

ROUND 2

I gather myself and head on over to our next station, Stationary vehicles. The idea is to qualify on the crew serve machine guns from the Gunner's Turret. Two of my favorite Sergeant Majors were assisting that day. My platoon Sergeant nods me over to the five-ton truck. SMA 1 is already up there waving me over. I climb up that big sonofabitch and seat myself in the strap of the gunners turret, full battle rattle and all. 

If ever you are going to convoy as a gunner in a five-ton or humvee, do yourself a favor and bring a fucking pillow. I don't care how big and bad you think you are, you ain't shit when you're whining midway through a two hour convoy (one way) about your ass hurting because you chose to go raw and sit on the three inch strap that IS your seat.

I digress.

SMA 1 says, "Today soldier, you're gonna be one of the very few to qualify on all three machine guns AND you're gonna do it better than everyone else. Hooah?" He looked me right in my eyes, "HOOAH, Sarn' Major." He looked through his binoculars across the wasteland desert and a broken down haji semi truck. I surmise it was maybe about three quarters of a mile away? Fuck, I don't know, FAR! SMA1 then tells me that I better not miss that big ass semi truck over yonder, otherwise it'll be my ass. Roger that. 

The .50 cal was mounted with a spring, which makes it soooo much easier to maneuver that heavy batch. I take a min to get the target in my sights, my gloved thumbs on the butterfly trigger, I remember my breathing and how it will effect the trajectory of that big ass bullet. SMA1 says, "Fire when ready soldier. Don't miss." I fire once. SMA tells me to keep firing, so I do. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. SMA1 watched every round hit through those binoculars. "Thaaaaats right," he said. "Do it again." So, I did. Armor piercing rounds are pretty damaging in general, so imagine the hole it left in the side of the haji semi. Time was up, next station.

I climbed in the humvee and popped up in the gunners turret and manned the 249SAW. Now, I don't particularly like the SAW all that much because the barrel seems to heat up faster on these damn things. This means you gotta carry a spare and it means more malfunctions of the weapon. But my platoon sergeant told me to, so I did. 

My platoon sergeant was always so calm that it was sickening. Me? Back then I was known for being hot headed, so calm was a feat. These days, I'm more calm than ever. But there are the occasional outbursts of anger and insanity, although with the help of anti psychotic meds, those outbursts are kept to a minimum. 

Anyway, I sit in that gawd awful strap and fire away on the 249. I hit the target. Qualified. My platoon sergeant is happy as all hell. "S******, from here on out, I think you're gonna be my personal gunner. You have quite the shot. These crew serves have come natural to you. I'm proud of you." Not gonna lie, it made my heart swell, kinda like when your dad tells you he's proud of you. Next station.

Again, I climb in and up the humvee, and I get ready. This last weapon is the 240 Bravo. This. Shit. Right. Here. This is my jam. On a 240 you can feel the smoothness of the round fire out the barrel "like butter," as I always say. Bad mamma jamma. I love this weapon, all twenty-six pounds of it. Every 7.62mm round that accompanied it as well. The 240 would come to be my weapon of choice on all my future convoys, all except one. 

SMA2 immediately peers through his binoculars and says, "Damn it S******, you see that gas can out there?" I stare down range, at first with my naked ass eyes, and blink real hard. You mean that fucking DOT out there!? 

I say, "Yes Sarn' Major...." He follows with, "I want you to make that fucker jump." FUCK MY LIFE! Really? He expects me to make that DOT jump!?! There I am, sweating on top of sweat on top of sweat.

Mount. Position. Get sights. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Get in rythym with my heartbeat. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Hold. Squeeze.

Thooomp! Thoomp! 

"Fuck yeah, soldier! Do it again!" I do. I made that fucker jump. He was proud of me, which made me feel pretty good.

Round 3

The last part of qualifications were done on a moving vehicle. This is to simulate being part of a convoy. So, once again, I move through each crew serve weapon, through each vehicle. But once I came to what would be known as my Beloved 240, I was met with belt fed ammo and every fifth round were incinerator rounds.

SMA1 looked down range for a minute or so. He said, "Today we are gonna blow up that semi out there!" I looked up at him, he looked back at me. "Let's do it soldier." I took aim, concentrated on my breathing. Slow. Steady. Controlled. Wait for it. Inhale. Exhale. Hold. Squeeze.

I could feel each round slide through the barrel, smooth and nice. I fired short five round controlled bursts. The vibration of the weapon blurred my vision. Jeezus christ I hope to hell I'm hitting that semi. I stop. "You done?" I squeeze the trigger over and over, being very conscious not to hold it for too long. In the distance I can barely hear SMA1. "Hold fire! Hold fire!" 

I sit up while he looked down range. "Hell yeah, soldier, good aim!" I squint my eyes to focus. That semi went up in flames. 

Those goddamned 3M earplugs. Do you hear that ringing sound?? Huh? What?

[be-the-spark-flyboy]

Migraine

Call It What You Want (6/?)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Med student!Poe x Reader

A/N: OH MAI GAWD we’re finally getting somewhere with the plot can you believe???I apologize for the slowest of slowburns ever also I rlly am sorry for hurting Poe like this but im not done yet oops

Chapter Summary: Bby isn’t feeling so good :(

Warnings: swearing, fluff (finally), then angst immediately after oops

Word count: 1.7k

Poe walks into the living room as Finn and Rey watch him drag his feet, dropping face-first onto the couch. 

“Did you do it?” Rey asks. Poe nods his head, his face still pressed into the cushion.

“Do what?” Finn asks.

“You didn’t tell him?” Rey questions Poe.

“Nope,” he says, voice muffled.

“Tell me what?” Finn asks again, getting confused.

“How did it go?” Rey completely ignores her boyfriend, too invested in the news Poe was about to divulge. 

“Excuse me! How did what go? What did y’all do?” Finn was getting worked up at how they were ignoring him.

Poe props himself up on his elbows. “Didn’t make a scene because, guess what? She’s already seeing someone,” 

“What the hell, man!” Rey exclaims, further confusing Finn. He was so close to shaking one of them by the shoulders demanding answers.

Poe continues unfazed by Finn glaring daggers at the two of them. “Didn’t even have the decency to end it with me first,”

“Did you break up with Sarah?” Finn exclaims, finally catching on. Poe nods. “Oh finally,” When two sets of eyes fix on him, glaring, he clears his throat and says, “I mean, oh shit, how are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Poe whines, dropping his head back onto the cushion. A part of him had hoped he would feel better after breaking up with Sarah, but it only left him feeling more down than anything. He should’ve just listened to Finn and ended it before it got so out of hand. Well, at least he has one less thing to worry about now.

—-

Poe groans when hears a soft knock from his bedroom door. He thought Rey and Finn had already left for the dental appointment. But then, when did they ever knock before barging into his room? 

Poe had assured Rey that he’d be fine when she asked before leaving, but the migraine was really kicking his ass. He couldn’t even stand without feeling like he was going to fall over or throw up, he tried to sleep but the pain didn’t let him. So he there he was, sprawled across the bed on his stomach buried under the covers.

“The door’s open,” he grumbles and the door opens. He lifts his head from the mattress, watching you walk in. Suddenly, Poe becomes very aware of how his unruly curls stick out in every direction and how he looks like he hasn’t slept in days because he hasn’t. He blinks, wondering if he was hallucinating all of a sudden.

“Hey, Poe,” you greet him watching him squint back at you, blinking blearily. The curtains are wide open, sunlight shining straight into his eyes. You walk over to the window and draw them close.

“Thanks,” he gives you a shy smile, finally snapping out of the daze. “What are doing here?”

“Oh, Rey called. She said you weren’t feeling so well and that she and Finn won’t be around for a little while. So I volunteered to babysit,” You smile at him.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Poe replies, not even acting like he was offended that you called it babysitting, too busy trying to suppress the giddy smile growing on his face. You care about him.

“No offence Poe, but you really don’t look like you’re doing great,” You did have a point.

Poe dramatically flops back onto the mattress, groaning. “I feel horrible,”

He hears you chuckle at his antics, striding closer to him. You kneel by the bed and he adjusts his head to get a better look at you. “Did you eat anything yet?”

“Nope, I feel nauseous,” He presses his face back into the sheets. 

“Can I get you something? Maybe soup? It’s a little more light,” You suggest.

“Okay,“ the smile fully stretched across his face. The migraine didn’t seem to bad all of a sudden.

---

You’re back at the dining table, the same spot you took the first time you stayed over at the apartment. Laptop open before you, skimming through the lecture contents. 

You couldn’t help but feel bad for Poe when Rey had called you asking if you could keep an eye on him for her. Rey was bringing Finn along to her dental appointment, way too scared to go on her own. It wasn’t like Poe couldn’t take care of himself, but she felt bad leaving him alone anyways.

You had a lecture at that time but fortunately one of your classmates were willing to share notes so you thought it wouldn’t be too bad if you missed just one lecture. You didn’t tell any of trio, knowing how they’d hate to be the reason you miss out on your class.

Poe was asleep in his room upstairs. The soup you gave seemed to be doing fine with his stomach, thankfully. Rey had called to tell you that they were taking more time than expected at the clinic. You had no problems with staying a little longer.

You hear the door swing open upstairs and Poe emerges in the kitchen a few moments later. “Feeling better?” you ask him.

“Yep, much better, thanks to you.” Thankfully, he turns away as he fills a cup with water because you definitely don’t want him to see how your face briefly warms up at the compliment.

Poe joins you at the table, and you can’t help but think of the previous time you were in that position. You weren’t unaware that spending more time with him was only going to make things worse for you. If you had any sense of self-preservation you would’ve made yourself scarce around him. You did try after new years eve. It still escaped you how Poe managed to befriend you so quickly while you took forever with anyone else. You just felt drawn to him.

Poe quietly sips on his water, unaware of your inner turmoil as you blankly stared at the screen. You know you’re only going to fall harder and end up hurting yourself. You really should try harder to distance yourself from him.

---

“I used to have a massive crush on Finn back in middle school,” Poe confesses. You and Poe lay under the throw blanket on the couch, reruns of some old show playing on the TV, but neither of you are watching it. Poe suggested a game, 21 questions, claiming he was bored and it was the only thing that could entertain him. So much for distancing yourself.

The questions started out innocent, plain boring, like what’s your favourite colour? then quickly escalating to at what age did you loose your virginity? Before you know, your laughing with him on the couch clutching you half-empty mug, Poe’s empty on laying in the coffee table.

“What?” The way your eyes widen comically draws a laugh from Poe. “Does Finn know?”

“I’m pretty sure everyone knew, I wasn’t exactly subtle. Its embarrassing,” That triggers more laughter from you. “In my defense, everyone had a crush on Finn at one point,” Poe watches you laugh at his expense, smiling brighter, feeling lighter than he had for months. He would recount every single one of his embarrassing childhood memories if it got you laughing like that. He’s in so much trouble. “Okay, your turn,”

An embarrassing childhood memory. You have a plethora of those. You sip your coffee pondering, which one to share? Placing your mug on the coffee table, you lean back into the couch and Poe rests his head on your shoulder. The silence stretches as you remain like that for a few more serene moments, game forgotten, only the sounds of the characters on screen punctuating the otherwise peaceful night. 

You turn when you hear Poe whisper your name, your eyes lock on his and you can’t seem to look away. He holds your gaze as he looks up at you, making you feel so exposed with those big brown eyes you never knew could be so piercing. He looks like he’s about to say something, then decides against it.

Instead, he tilts his head up, brushing his lips against yours, breath fanning your cheeks as he ventures further when you don’t pull away. His hands cradle your jaw, touch light like feather on your skin. Your eyelids flutter as his thumb caresses your cheekbone.

You’re kissing him before you mind catches up with your actions. His tongue brushes over your bottom lips then against your own, wet and warm, tasting sweet like the coffee he had, black, with three sugars.

An arm winds around your waist, pulling you into his chest and you follow blindly. The warmth emanating from his chest and feeling of his heart thundering beneath your palms. You could loose yourself in it. In him.

Almost just as soon as you had him, you’re ripped away from him when the sound of a key turning in the front door lock jolts the two of you apart. “We’re home!” Rey sings as she and Finn walk through the door.

Oh fuck. What did you just do?

You scramble up from the couch, quickly making up a shoddy excuse before throwing yourself out the front door, your belongings haphazardly gathered up in your arms, leaving all three of your friends stunned in your wake.

---

“Damn, Poe. What did you do?” Finn asks closing the door after you.

The way you were kissing him one moment and then suddenly disappearing the next almost gave Poe whiplash. “Huh? Why do you think I did something?” Both Finn and Rey gave him a look full of disbelief. “We might have kissed,” he utters the last word like a whisper. “And she just ran out like that,” he says flailing his arms in the direction you disappeared in. Did he go too far? You wouldn’t have kissed him back if you didn’t want to, right? Fuck, what did he do wrong?

“Did you tell her you broke up with Sarah?” Rey asks him. Always hitting the nail right on the head.  

“Oh, oh no,” he didn’t, it never came up and he didn’t even think of it. 

“You fucked up, son,” Finn interjects, grimacing like he was feeling second hand embarrassment from the whole situation.

“You didn’t tell her by any chance?” Poe asks, turning to Rey. 

“Why would I tell her? Do you think we got nothing better to do than sit around gossiping about friends?”

“I’m an idiot,” Poe says, more to himself to anyone else.

“The migraine sure messed with your mind,” Finn chuckles.

---

The Dameron Taglist (open):

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[jojuarez26]

We found love in a hopeless place Part 16

I take a moment before opening the door to compose myself after the flood of emotions that just fucked me up. I don't have time to explore it right now.

I take one last look back and close the door putting my lock down code in. As I jog down the hall way ready to call Max I hear the bitch screech my name.

I stop and turn around. Honestly I wish she looked more genuinely pissed than just for show pissed. I know the difference to well.

"You bastard. Give me back my son," she yells in my face.

I take a step back and breath. Damn Dara to hell.

"No. We are getting ready to go into lock down. As my son he falls under my protection and no you cant go with him. OUR son is safe. Go home Dara I will call you later." I turn to go

Dara grabs my arm to swing me around and throw a punch.

Seeing as how I am faster and smarter, she fails as I turn her and grip her arms behind her back.

"You son of bitch. I hate you. I fucking HATE YOU," she is screaming like a damn banshee.

"Yeah I know."

I see Schmidt a guard, heading towards us. Perfect.

"Schmidt take her to lock please. Single cell, low security. Thank you," I had her over ready to go.

"ERIC YOU SO-"

"Dara enough. I don't have time for this. I will talk to you later. I promise." With that I pay her no more mind and start jogging down the hall way again finally calling Max.

"Max," he snaps into the phone.

"It's Eric."

"Damn it Coulter! Where are you and what the fuck is going on." He barked into the phone.

"On the way to my office. Max if you have ever trusted me as a leader I need you to trust me now. I need a state of emergency meeting called for in an hour and we need a compound wide lock down now. Please Max," I actually ALMOST beg.

"Eric I've always trusted you. Your just an asshole so I don't give you the reigns. Right now, I just respected your authority more than I ever have. I hearby give you temporary control of the compound. I'll see you in an hour." Pride fills his voice.

"Thank you Sir," I breath a sigh of relief.

"Don't thank me son. Just make me fucking proud." The line goes dead

This day is unbelievable. I must be stuck somewhere between a nightmare and a perfect fucking dream.

I storm in my office demanding orders of my secretary, booting up my computer and scrambling for files.

The familiar hated fucking number flashes on my phone for the fifth time in seven minutes. I have zero time and even less patient for this bitch right now. I finally decided to answer it.

"NOW IS NOT THE DAMN TIME JEANINE," I bellow into the phone.

"Eric what the hell have you done. You just put my niece and grandson in eminent danger."

My stomach dropped and my world stopped spinning.

"What did you just say?" I almost whisper

I know Sam is her niece, but how in the ever loving fuck does she think she is MY SONS grandmother.

"You miserable ass lieing ass bitch. Fuck you," I spit with malice.

"Dara is unfortunately my train wreck of a daughter. I told her when I found out she was with child with Adam. Trying to keep her from completely fucking up another human beings life. He is not an expirment to me Eric. He is my grandson."

This is worse than a gawd damn nightmare because I know I am fucking awake.

"I don't believe you," I deadpan.

"Check the email you just received," she sounds like nails on a chalk board.

I opened the file and start to feel nauseous as I skim the files.

"I would not lie to Eric. Not about this and not now. You have no idea what you have just done and the danger you just put my family in. You need my help."

Blind rage bubbles up and out my mouth.

"NO! MY FAMILY, MY SON, MY GIRL!! YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM YOU EVIL BITCH!" I didn't realize I was screaming like a child until Jeanine's voice cut me off.

"Now is not the time for foolish pride get in your way right now. I don't want to take them I want to protect them. Where are they right now?"

"Not your business where Sam and Adam are. Your miserable offspring is currently in lockup." I mumble.

"Lockup? Why on earth is that ridiculous girl in lockup?" I can picture her rolling her perfect eyes while tapping her perfectly manicured nails on her desk.

"I put there. I don't have time for her tantrums and games. I knew she'd be safe and out of my way. Jeanine I have to go. I will be in touch" I leave no room for arguments.

"Fine. Three hours Eric. If I don't hear from you I will find you." It is definitely a threat.

"No promises," I end the call

"Your day is hella fucked up today isn't Sir."

I spin around to face my useless, big mouth secretary.

Perfect, just fucking great. I will end this bitch if she runs off at her mouth. I am about to tell her ignorant ass as much too.

"Keilynne. You know I don't like you, can't stand you actually right?" I slowly stalk towards her, grinning as she backs herself into a wall.

"Sir?" She says confused and frankly pretty frightened. Good.

I bet over her essentially pinning her to the wall. I place my lips right on her ear. Then I start to speak again.

"As a matter of fact I would probably enjoy throwing you into the Chasm. So. Hopefully you see where this is potentially going." She swallows hard and just nods, tears welling in her eyes.

"If you so much as even whisper a single word of ANYTHING you just heard, to anyone. I will end you just for shits and giggles. Am I making myself clear," I ask sternly but deadly quiet.

"Y-y-yess Sir. Cr-crystal." Two tears slide down her cheek.

Just to be extra fucking sadistic, I place the ghost of a kiss on her cheek catching one of her tears.

"Perfect. Now.get.back.to.WORK," I take a step back and she ran out of my office.

It's a hard job being a dick, but somebody has to enjoy it. Right? Fuck, a glance at my watch tells me I have twenty minutes left. Better get a move on it.

The halls of the Dauntless compound are all but empty and silent. A patrol passing speaking in whispers here and there. Otherwise. Nothing.

It angers and pains me to see my faction like this. What hurts even worse? Knowing I caused this. This is my fault.

I scan my palm on the first door and my retinas at the second. This is the absolute most secure room in all of Dauntless.

All but two people that are needed are here. One is in my home with my family, where the fuck is Murphy, our second in command engineer? That isn't setting well with me as I take my seat next to Max.

"Four?" Max ask

"Sam and Adam. And Murph?" This isn't going to end well.

"I had hoped beyond hell you knew," he sighs. We both know what this means

"Fuck. For whatever fucking reason we don't know, one of our top engineers is a faction traitor," I grit threw my teeth.

"Well yes and no. He is actually a dead faction traitor as of fifteen minutes ago," Macy speaks as she sits down.

"Come again?" Fuck my life. The universe officially hates me today

It's then I notice the small smears of blood on Macy's cheeks and arm. Just keeps getting better.

"When we started to initiate the lockdown, Amber or is it Audra? Anyway his damn wife noticed he sent out ten encrypted files. So she texted Harrison. I went to confront him. He pulled a knife, I pulled a gun. And well he is currently in the Chasm with three new bullet holes. Oops," Mace shrugs her shoulders.

Macy may not be one of my favorite people, but she is a bad ass bitch and I respect the hell out of her. Well, most of the time

"Any ideas who, what, when, where and why?" Max frowned. This shit just kept rolling down hill.

"Yes, but I doubt you will believe me," she rolls her eyes and shrugs.

"You would be surprised what I will believe at the current moment. Try me," I say leaning back

"He is a plant. From outside the wall."

"Detain Abby," "Audra," "What the fuck ever. Detain that bitch now and lock down there living quarters as a crime scene," I growled.

"So, you believe me?" She ask in a nervous voice.

"Today? Absofuckinglutely," I sneer.

"Oh thank Gawd. I just knew you where going to think I am shot the fuck out," she blows out the breath she was holding.

"Where did the intel come from?"

"He told me. As he threatened to remove my pretty eyeballs and feed them to me just before I filled him full of lead.'

"Son of bitch Max this is bad. Every fucking minute that ticks by it gets worse," I groan.

"Eric fuck you. You're jinx it bro," Macy sighs dramatically.

"Enough both of you. Lets get started shall we?" Max chides.

I clear my throat and stand. I hope beyond all hope my faction will forgive me. I let my personal shit dictate what happened that ultimately affected my whole faction. I look around and I just see people who want and need answers. No anger or frustration. So far. Here goes nothing.

"Thank you all for being here. I want to start by saying I am amazed and proud of you all for serving your faction well when duty called." Looks of appreciation.

"Now I would like to sincerely apologize to all of you personally. I am most of the reasons why are faction is heading into uncharted, dangerous territory." Now confusion.

"How so Eric?" Brandon, head of the patrols asked.

Here goes nothing. I just dive in head first and tell my faction the honest truth of all the events that lead us here.

Forty-five minutes in, Brandon asked for the floor and I hand it over.

"Eric I can't speak for the entire faction, but I am willing to bet most of us would agree, nobody blames you. You reacted as ANY of us would. You have done something alot of people wouldn't. You accepted your responsibility and you have stepped the fuck up. This is Dauntless, this is who we are and what we do. You have my full and absolute support going forward in this situation. No regrets. We are Dauntless," Brandon ends in battle cry.

"We are Dauntless!" Erupts around the room. I am shocked to say the least.

"I told you people like you dick," Max whispers in my ear.

I turn to look at my leader. The look of pride in his eyes sends a wave of emotion over me. I look out to my fellow Dauntless. The looks of pride, respect, commeradery and... acceptance, have me feeling for the first time I truly belong.

Five hours later we close our session out and will reconvene at seven am. I can't help but stop Brandon on his way out.

"I, I just wanted to. Thank you. For believing in me and standing by our faction." The words feel awkward and foreign on my tongue.

Brandon extends his hand to shake mine. I take it gratefully.

"Look man, I'm an asshole. It's just, who I am. But at the end of the day I take my duties to my faction seriously. Until you, today, I felt Max was the only person to take me seriously. It just, I. Once again thank you,"I mumble like a fucking fool

"Eric nobody thought you didn't take your commitment to this faction seriously or that you weren't a good leader. Quite the opposite actually. But I do agree that you are an asshole and more often than night unappoarchable. After today though, I think people's opinions might have changed a little. Nobody expects you to be someone your not or that you will change in a day. But keep stepping in this direction man. You'd be surprised what you will find." Brandon showed nothing but respect in everything he said.

I nodded my head in appreciation and said goodnight.

"Fucking proud son. All the way. You finally have realized you are home," Max boasted clapping me on the shoulder.

[retracing-my-steps]

May 8th

I had the best last day with him. The best I could possibly imagine having.

A few days ago we spontaneously started reading a book to each other back and forth chapter by chapter- I cracked up because we hadn’t known what the book was about and it’s a story about a sex addict with a dying mother– so it’s full of really bizarre segments and somewhat short but weird as hell graphic descriptions for sex scenes. I dared him to double dare me to read it in public in a Starbucks– for us to continue our chapter by chapter reading in public. I have social anxiety disorder after all- as an extension of my autism, my ADD, and my upbringing. So I’m someone who despises being heard or seen- and it makes me feel nauseous doing anything out of the ordinary (despite the fact I love those things- I’m built to self-destruct if I enjoy my life, you could say).

So for our last day… it was a beautiful and mild sunny day, and we walked the 15 or so minutes or less to the Starbucks near the lake, a slighter bigger one. It was sorta crowded, or at least, most of the seats were taken- most spread out, but in little bunches together. We sat at a table sandwiched slightly between some middle aged people- one guy on his laptop with headphones, the other a pair absorbed in chitchat. I was very ready, I had a gift card since I rarely take time to go to a Starbucks- I don’t like coffee to begin with, and most of them don’t have the best atmosphere. Zandry got some sort of mango lemonade concoction (surprisingly good, not watered down), I got a chai tea latte– I keep forgetting their chai tastes kind of weird to me for some reason.. We read back and forth for about four chapters, our voices mostly fading into the background of the noise around us, and if the people near us took much notice of the words we read, I didn’t take time to notice. I never look at people, after all. I internally laughed my ass off as he hurried through a final page of lead character being propositioned by his mom’s doctor, stuff along the lines of ‘naked pale buttox gleaming in the light of the chapel’ or some equally cringeworthy hilarious description– totally, completely killed me. I turned red momentarily but I mostly was just trying so hard not to laugh evilly at that point. I got some parts like that but not very long ones– but when we were satisfied with having read plenty and headed out, I told him 'hey! I’m the one with hardcore anxiety, it seemed pretty fair in the end,’ and he agreed.

We left the coffee place and crossed the street and walked one direction around the lake a while, then back, then the other direction for a while. We sat at the top of a hill on a bench, we used my headphone splitter and he chose the La La Land soundtrack (he finally saw it with me a week or so prior)- and we watched the people down below walking by. I watched a girl with long blonde hair in a snappy flowing jumpsuit that tied at the neck… I laughed and gestured, gleefully exclaiming slightly to Zandry 'ah!! Look! She’s so worried about having a wardrobe malfunction!’ I watched her tugging slightly at the edge of the top of her jumper, laughing with her friend slightly, vaguely uneasy body language with fear of a boob or two escaping. 'So relatable,’ I remarked 'All good clothes are such a pain in the ass. I’m glad it’s not just me doing that’ 'Damned boobs, stay where you belong!’ Zandry quipped in reply. I laughed.

After a couple songs he seemed restless- he was getting a bit hungry I found soon when I asked about it. We walked down the hill. I paused to pick small daisies in the grass I had been eyeing eagerly earlier– asking him to excuse me. I asked him to grab me a few with thick stems. As we walked the path, I split stems with my fingernails. 'You have way better nails for this, geez’ I said, looking at my chipped down ones, struggling to make holes without snapping stems. Maybe 9 daisies later and I had a long enough chain to make a crown. I carried it on one hand.

When we reached the apartment gate I set the daisy chain crown on his head, softly proclaiming him 'king of spring!’. 'You’re so handsome’ I said, beaming slightly. But he always is.

When we got in I laughed and said he could hang it somewhere. I noticed later he set it on a lampshade.

We were both a bit sleepy. Thinking about dinner, we decided on food and walked to the grocery store together to get ingredients. We took turns holding my ornate zippered reusable cooler bag with a heavy gallon of milk. He smoked a bit as we walked and I smiled because he had spent nearly the whole day without having any cigs. Even doing things that worry me, he’s so cute. I begrudgingly accept my own delight at how someone so sweet has such a total bad-boy look, and the smoking unfortunately adds to that. I begrudgingly accept that it kind of pleases me, if it wasn’t killing him. I enjoy it quietly for the image, noting to myself- he has time, still. I challenged him to cut down on the drive back from California- and he begrudgingly held out during the wait for the tow truck to switch the tire that blew out on one of the final hours of driving. $110, but nearly no delay, and he maneuvered us safely to the side of the freeway after a very alarming and noisy and rattling tire malfunction.

He extinguished his cig in the pack as we got into the gate. I opened the gate this time.

We made dinner together, he made mashed potatoes and I made zucchini fritters. I was a bit tired from walking ('fuck, I need to jog again, clearly,’ I had said to him), so I was a bit slow making them but determined. They turned out pretty good, as did his mashed potatoes. I washed dishes as we went.

He was falling asleep. It was only almost 8 pm. So I asked him what he was up for, and offered to get him coffee at the local coffeehouse I like. I had wanted to draw with him, and figured he could recharge before we went to bed for the night and we could draw at the cafe as well. So we spent the evening drawing until 11 pm when the coffeehouse closed (I’m so grateful one place stays open that late)– and we stayed up late to finish an anime series together (Midori no Hibi because I couldn’t help myself ohhh my gawds 🤣). Midori no Hibi is one of the weirdest animes I have ever seen in my life. Of course, like most things I like, it was a romantic comedy. It was also from the time when I was a teenager-so I was probably thinking of him while watching it back then… Undoubtably. It was cute, and even after all these years ending made me cry a little bit.

Of course icing on the cake for the day was after spending hours drawing together (I can’t express how much I love watching him drawing and seeing what it turns into- I love his art so much, and he has a hand at abstract and surreal I could never have)- and then finishing the series, we also passed a delightfully steamy evening, and considering how much I miss kissing him when he’s away, there’s nothing better than that.

Then as always, fell asleep peacefully with my head against his chest, a segment of sheet under my head so we don’t grossly unpleasantly wake up from sweating all over each other. And we slept. And I wrote him a letter as he took a shower in the morning, as is tradition when we have to part.

I couldn’t have asked for a better last day. I think I will laugh at every piece of that day, even the smaller random moments I will remember that I don’t have time to write down. I try to take a lot of pictures to compensate. I always want to remember how much he makes me laugh. I don’t need reminders to know how terribly lucky I am. I always just feel grateful. Grateful however our lives unfold.

Just, what a perfect day.