#gaslighting literal kids into believing that they have to push their bodies to a breaking point to be good players

[formulavroom]

same shit, different year and player

[chillorious]

✨My abusive Mother✨

The title of this entry says it all;

I have an abusive mother. And I suppose it’s rather strange to say out loud because for so many years I managed to convince myself that she was anything but. When you have a mother, you’re told a lot of things growing up, you’re told that your mother is someone who is supposed to look out for you, someone strong and dependable in your life whenever you and your family need a stern but loving guidance. Someone sturdy you want to lean on when times are tough. They are the shelter in a house, a protector. The one who has earned your respect for raising you up to be more than you thought you could be. Or in simpler terms, a mother is supposed to present a good example.

My mother was hardly a mother to me. I call her mother because that’s the only label I’ve ever given her and I respect her because I was raised to respect everyone, but making a mistake my mother often presented a poor example for her husband and child, whether she intended to or not. I can’t pinpoint when the abuse really started but I know it’s been going on for what may as well be a lifetime. She often laid her hands on me, but my mother also was and still is the type to verbally cut you down to nothing. She had a tongue like a knife. Well I know she’s been through a lot in her life and I know those experiences manifested into something foul, it hangs off my mothers back, whispering little things here and there, poisoning her mind, spirit and speech. She’s a woman that hurts, and has been hurt by people she was supposed to trust and depend on. “I have to understand that” or at least that’s what I always told myself. When family hurts you, you’d naturally feel inclined to defend their actions, you try to convince your friends that they aren’t so bad you even try to convince yourself as a means of rejecting the pain, but abuse is abuse, no matter what color you choose to paint over it. And for a while, my mother was a pitch black silhouette, a figure that I tried to touch but instead all I got to see was a cast shadow of the person she could have been but decided she wouldn’t be. Hardly the mother figure, but often the abuser. But no amount of experience can justify abusing your daughter.

Now I know I’ve been beating around the bush and holding off on explaining everything she did, but it’s hard. And that’s another thought I’m sure a lot of you in and outside my shoes have had. It’s hard to come out and talk about what’s been done to you. It’s hard to admit the truth. But that’s why I decided that I wouldn’t keep quiet anymore. No more fear or worry or talking myself out of all the strife in my mind as if that will make it vanish. I will be for you, what my mother wasn’t for me. Honest, transparent, and a good example. When I was a kid, my mother tyrannized me. Yes, the woman I was raised by had been violating and torturing me. And yes that’s something I blocked out for a long time and suspected but recently often got confirmed with. She didn’t look at me as though I were a child, she made me responsible for everything that happened and I were her punching bag whenever she needed one. She also made me responsible to take care for her broken heart. I remember those faces she made towards me, certain gestures and words that encouraged her desire of killing me. She had hands like barbed wire, everything she touched on me bled. She’d linger near my person and kept me close in a way that sincerely gave me nightmares both as a kid and as an adult, the kind that nearly made me lose sleep. I won’t give any nasty and horrifying details, they wouldn’t benefit any of us anyway but I need you to recognize that a child shouldn’t know that kind of fear and confusion, ever. It just isn’t okay.

In the years that followed my mother tried to force me into a mold. From the beginning, she wanted me to do everything she said, to be dressed in a specific way, surround myself with certain company but above all, she wanted my absolute obedience. And for a while, you could say she had it, but time changes us all and I guess it started when I recorded her torturing me so I had proof it happened, because that’s what gaslighting is. She made sure that I would never believe myself and my gut feeling. She managed to make me believe that she never hurt me which only confused me more. Eventually my mannerisms, clothes and interest took a path apart from what she laid out for me. Which is why she started to demean me at every turn. My mother would talk down to me and if she wasn’t shaming my decisions, she was shaming my very person. She talked behind my back but most times when I was around and was able to hear every word. And she knew it, so the words always found their way back to me in the end. In my mothers eyes I was an irresponsible, lazy disappointment, I was a liar that was always sneaking off to do bad things with awful people. I can’t say I was a saint I’m not perfect but not all my actions were worthy of that inconsiderate reaction to my youth. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her, things I’ve said or done would always become something of a burden on her, always something that I should have second-guessed and felt bad for and I guess, when I look at it that way it’s no wonder I started hating myself. When your own mother makes you feel like you can’t do anything right, when she makes it clear that she doesn’t trust you, you feel broken. I felt like I was falling apart because the woman that should have raised me was breaking me down. My actions didn’t matter, she never really questioned or talked through why I did things, she just judged everything I did for years. Until she trapped me in my own self doubt. And if she wasn’t insulting me, she was insulting my hobbies, if not them, my passions. She put me through hell, she made me feel trapped in that hideous inferno with her, she made me feel powerless and worthless. She made me feel, like I was nothing. Finally, she wore me down, she made me feel tiny small, she made me into an object that she pushed her sick desires and expectations onto, she made me feel unsafe, she made me feel anxious, she made me angry with how she treated me and started to ruin me. She made me fear life so much that I sought comfort and gratification in others to a point, where I clung to them to an unhealthy degree because who else would I turn to. I made food into a toxic addiction, like it was a drug and a safe haven that I didn’t want to let reality into. I took that like pills, constantly just to feel alive and when it wasn’t enough I turned elsewhere. I turned to people that didn’t care for my heart, I turned to distractions that couldn’t heal, I tried to fill my mind with meaningless nonsense just to stop the destructive voices in my head. They literally left me restless, they wouldn’t keep quiet, they wouldn’t shut up day and night, and eventually I thought those dark dark thoughts...

“I can shut them up forever” “I don’t wanna do this anymore” “make it stop”

And I almost took my life, it took me 19 years to get to the point where I felt so miserable that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. That hurt me in ways words can’t describe. However it only took a few days for me to remember it doesn’t have to be this way. If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, there is another way out, you may see that exit sign floating around the pills or the knife but don’t look at it. Don’t approach it because exiting life is not the solution to it. You may not understand it now but our time spent suffering is not even worthy of being compared to the reward and opportunity and joy that overcoming the pain can bring. I know life is hard, trust me. In the process of trying to get the help I needed I had to make a lot of sacrifices so that I could learn to grow and find strength and it was so so hard and the journey is gonna feel hard sometimes and I know you may not like the idea of life getting any harder but I promise you there are so many great things you can have and achieve when you choose to battle your anxiety and depression rather than taking it as it comes. when you choose to fight your personal demons instead of letting them in, anger, rage, sadness, loneliness they will all come, but they will also go again. None of those feelings about yourself belong in you and absolutely none of that defines you. You are more.

Look at yourself. I mean it, look at you. Look at your face, at your hands, wiggle your fingers. Look at them. You see you’re here, you’re still alive. You may be telling yourself “I’m weak, I can’t do it, I can’t keep fighting” but you are here because you’re strong and despite everything you’re going through. You’re still making the decision to get out of bed, to breathe and do something. You think that just happens, you think it’s easy, no!

That is power. That is a body in motion. A body and a spirit that are still alive and aren’t ready to go yet. That aren’t ready to give up. So don’t. Of course everyone’s situation is different and it’s easy for one person online to say life is worth living and things get better when I don’t know what you’re going through but that’s why you need to tell someone. You aren’t weak for seeking guidance and help. You aren’t weak for admitting you have a problem. Tell someone what’s wrong and pray they lift you up because you’ve been staying down for far too long and you don’t deserve it. Don’t spend so much time measuring your worth it keeping quiet because of “how important are my issues” or “ what good can someone like me even do, what can I offer and achieve when I’m like this.” Because you know what? I am someone like you too and I know I have a lot to offer even when I used to say I didn’t after all. I’m telling you my story and surely it’s gonna touch someone the right way. This words will reach someone’s heart and it will be enough to spark a positive change in at least one person, be it in a victim or a person who knows someone going through pain. Think about what you can offer. Believe me it’s not the end, it’s truly only the beginning, you still have the chance. You can still fight, you can still change and heal. Just take the first step.

[justkeepingitreal]

Leaving the past where it belongs!!

So I haven't blogged in a long time!! I have struggled to find the words and tell my truth, but going through what I have and finally coming out the other side and writing again might actually help make me feel proud everytime I read it, and I also hope that it will help many other people who have experienced the same thing.

In my first blog I talked about marital rape, this stigma is still round, people don't think that its an actual thing, well I am here to tell you it really is!! It was only when my husband finally left i really understood what it meant to be raped. When my husband left he left me with the mortgage to pay and every bill, and he was the bread winner who had the income, I had to wait 6 weeks on benefits excuse I needed to feed my kids and he wouldn't at that point he wouldn't give me a dime. I was such a mess that I ended up having a one night stand!! Sorry what I though was suppose to be a one night stand with my next door neighbour, well little did I know what was going to come of this!! This man literally became obsessed, in my house when ever he wanted to, scared me into doing things I didn't want to do, like sniffing coke, did it once and hated it, little did I know what was going to come my way.

So one day I rang my mother inlaw and asked if my ex husband was there and she started laughing, my heart sank and in that moment I knew he had another girl upstairs, I asked if he could go to the shop and grab afew bits for the kids and he said when I'm done, he went upstairs and finished the girl off and didnt care( I love this girl to bits by the way she is amazing 💗) that night I started to have a drink and my other mate was there, after 2 glasses of wine I became very violently sick, my other mate left and I was left with the fella who wouldn't leave me alone, as I was being sick over the toilet me started touching me, he got me to my room and kept trying to sleep with me!! I used the excuse that kids lunches need made and I needed to go and make them, when I made it downstairs I started falling over the place my arms where floppy and I couldn't move properly, I fell to the floor and he proceeds to sexually assault, the floor was completely covered with blood and he hurt me holding me down!! I tried to fight with all I had and at this point I knew he drugged me, he even made a joke as he wiped the blood off his hands and trying to clean his jeans. He got upset over me being annoyed with my ex husband.

I broke it off and well a restraining order plus police bail and then court bail was given, this man tortured me and wouldn't leave me alone, he petrol bombed a family members house and when I tried to press him for rape he put a hit on me, he wanted me dead!! I lived in fear for over a year had to move a few times whilst battling serious depression and wanting to end it all as the pain was just to much, I also had to have surgery to repair the damage he done to me!! I know raped by two men!! Yes it actually happens he knew to drug me though, that's why I rarely drink now I can't bring myself to fully let go and enjoy myself again unless I'm with my friends who I trust.

Me and the ex husband got back and fourth a few times before he left for another woman, this woman was going to be the woman who changed who he was forever. We started off friends she manipulated every situation and got everything the way she wanted! Little did she know when I stated counselling and putting my foot down by god they didn't like it. She told me a sob story about how her mum was an alcoholic and let men into her room and was gang raped and in hospital after it, to justify being with my husband who was a rapist!! So much went down and she worked her magic so good she managed to make him believe i was the bad person and he walked away from his kids, yes I was the bad person who apparently in his head stopped him seeing his kids. Well initially I did, I wanted rules and boundaries in place for my kids to be safe going to his house, he wouldn't agree to anything and I wouldn't back down!! A narcissistic asshole doesn't like being stood up to, but I wasn't that scared little girl anymore, I was a single mother raising 3 special needs children alone. He can tell everyone I was the bad person I know my story and the truth, he can live in his wee world all he likes.

I moved out of my hometown to be safe, and with the other fella who wouldn't leave me alone is now in jail serving 4 years but will be released next May, justice system over here is a fucking joke. I won't get my justice for that rape as bit enough evidence apparently.

My ex husband of the other hand well!! I waited the long game, he signed the divorce papers with the rape on it, see not as stupid as I look ehh!! I did decide after he signed them and walked away from the kids as did his mum and sister, I mean for my kid to lose one side of the family in one day, talk about traumatic, that I wanted him in jail for the years of rape and the mental torture of gaslighting and manipulating me every chance he got, I want him to pay for the hell and suicidal breaking point I got too, he deserves to rot in jail for what he put me through and his kids, and her standing by his side knowing all well that he is a rapist and deemed a risk to women!! Shame on her.

My last piece of recovery is my eating disorder, I have Atypical anorexia- all the traits except being under weight!! I would starve myself 48 hours at a time, either stress or the severe panic attacks i was having I couldn't eat, it got so bad my body started taking over, I couldn't actually eat and when I did was like 2 bits of toast after 48 hours, then another 48 without food. I was pushing myself at kick boxing and just never feeling happy about my body, but then got so bad a was damage my body amd still today I have anemia and still struggling, well now I am in recovery and omg it has been so hard, forcing to myself to eat my push last the pain and yes pain!! My body hadn't been eating properly for so long it was readjusting and bu god it was very painful, and even right this second I struggle tk get past the two meals a day, to reset ur Brain that all food is good and that starving yourself isn't the best thing to do is harder than it looks. People think sure just eat, it isn't a simple as that I was gagging put food to my mouth!! I have lost over 2 and half stone trying to recover and eat normally!! I did start to restrict my food at Christmas time again afraid to put any weight on and with no kick boxing I was terrified of any weight gain, but I am on the right path and I am so proud of myself getting to where I am, without antidepressants and working really hard to get to where I am, now I still have bad days, and can go in and out of not being really there, but PTSD is a real thing and its always a working progress, but I have the right support now and letting people in and actually accepting help is a massive step for me, I need to be in good health and mentally good for my kids!! Snd standing up to these men and taking no more and sending their asses to jail, well they done the crime!! Do the fucking time.

I really hope my story helps other people!! It just shows that people can really go through a round time and still come out the other side. So this is where my past stops haunting me and I can move on, isn't easy but then what is in life

[plantohead]

I just rant about how terrible my “mother” was so yeah that’s all. Basically, I legitimately hope she dies soon because right now she’s lashing out about her beef with me and hurting my sisters and I’m not cool with that, but I’m also in no position to put myself between them because I really can’t handle going back into that situation. So yah, this terrible person should just drop dead, preferably soon, like tomorrow maybe.

Sue thinks I would be giving myself a bad image if I aired our dirty laundry but joke's on her because she's the only one that looks bad. She also thinks I'm telling lies, but joke's on her the only liar is her because anyone who knows me knows I am a terrible liar. I can't even play the card game BS. Middle-school me was more hardened than I am now.

Sue was a toxic af person and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize it. She planted the seeds at an early age and undermine my confidence, agency, ability to stand up for myself and enforce boundaries, and my happiness and wellbeing. She would say terrible things, gaslight me, and was all around just horribly emotionally abusive. She made Dan into a toxic person, too. She made me toxic. She plays family members against each other. You had to side with her on everything, and everyone else was wrong about something, and usually something big. Dan was not a good husband. Her oldest child was ungrateful. Her middle child was too shallow and didn't love her. Her youngest child couldn't learn anything right. Oh, but she was never in the wrong. How dare you insinuate such a thing. The mere suggestion could send her flying into a rage. I'd say she was a screaming banshee or a screaming harpy, but the truth is she outscreams them both. Simultaneously. As in, if both were screaming, she'd still win. Distance doesn’t help, either. If she can’t scream at you in person, she’ll just send you more than 300 texts in one day (I let them accumulate one day and literally my notifications were over 300) telling you that you’re a terrible person and the worst child ever and you’re such a loser, you won’t amount to anything, oh and your boyfriend doesn’t actually love because only a mother could. Rinse and repeat for the next 5 days.

I have grown up being told I was lazy. I believed that for the longest time, and I'm still unlearning it. I was lazy despite having learned to play piano, flute, and guitar and having a brief stint with the violin and piccolo. I was lazy despite maintaining high grades while being in marching band in high school and joining the jazz band in my last year (I was terrible by the way, I'm through and through a Classical/Romantic period pianist). I was lazy in uni when I earned top grades while going to concerts, attending ballroom classes, training in wushu, taking additional credits, reading books outside of school, sketching, studying for the LSAT, rehearsing in a band, writing songs, and writing a thesis. She never believed I studied because all she ever saw were photos of when I was having fun. No shit sherlock, I take like 100+ photos and 50 videos of just one concert, and I'm not going to take pictures of my calculus notebooks, please... But so be it, I was lazy, and now every time my work ethic comes into question, I spiral out of control and become exactly what I'm supposed to be: lazy.

I was told that I was ungrateful, hateful, and oversensitive. Never mind that being told you are ungrateful and hateful would lead to some sensitive feelings. Never mind that you are supposed to raise the child you so graciously decided to give life to because it's your goddamn responsibility. Never mind that said child might occasionally hate you when you slam your hands on the table and scream at the top of your lungs at them and call them names, maybe hit them across the face a couple times. Never mind that I might have been ungrateful because you always said you owed me nothing when yeah, you did. Parenting. Love. Some emotional stability. Maybe you should actually try it out. Oh wait, you blew it, go rot in hell.

I was raised such that my talents and accomplishments were turned into an extension of Sue, while all my perceived faults were because I wasn't good enough. I have been made to doubt myself with guilt-tripping, manipulation, and gaslighting. Get this: after I came out about my sexual abuse, at some point I asked to log into my Facebook account on Sue's tablet. I forgot to log out when I returned to uni, but I didn't think it would be a problem. No, I was wrong, BIG PROBLEM. Without my knowledge or consent, Sue monitored all my Facebook activity and messages. She was "worried" because of my abuser. You know, the one that had fled to Japan 7 years ago and who I had blocked on Facebook. That one. When I found out what she was doing, she had the gall to tell me she was doing it for my own good. Not only that, but then this August, I brought it up again because it unfortunately became relevant AGAIN, and she had the audacity to first deny she ever did such a thing. I told her I still had records of it somewhere in my email archive because those things never die. I KNEW I had them, but I hated how I doubted myself for just a second because I was so used to this type of gaslighting. After she realized she couldn't get away with the lie, she played the guilt card again. It was in my best interests. It was because she loved me and was worried. BULL.SHIT. You just fucking lied to my face! You're just trying to cover your ass. What she did was complete disrespect for my boundaries and agency. And that's just one example out of my entire frickin LIFE.

Sue also always made everything about herself. When my flight to Albany for the bar exam was canceled, I panicked, had a meltdown, and cried. Of course, later, Sue would keep saying she was so distraught for me that she also cried. Cool?? Okay??? What, you want a cookie for that or something? Why are you telling me this five times? (I’m not kidding, I counted, it was at least five times.) Or whenever I was having a depressive episode about my abuse, she made it about herself. Oh, she couldn't get up for three days when she first found out, she was so distraught. It was so hard for her to work on my case. Coolcoolcool, okay, well, it was MY BODY HE TOUCHED SO IMAGINE THAT. I used to feel so terrible, and seeing how much it upset her was the one thing that made my sexual abuse really feel intolerable. Now I just want to light Sue on fire every time I think about it. Or any time I was depressed at all, she turned it into a competition. No support, no love. Just, "You don't have a reason to be depressed, if anyone it's ME." OKAY BRO, MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN BE DEPRESSED, IT'S NOT IDEAL AND IT SUCKS BUT IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!

God and she was so HYPOCRITICAL. One year, I forgot Mother’s Day because first, I think these stupid consumerist holidays are a hollow scam, and second because I was writing a brief for the immigration judge on an asylum case. It was a big case that was very important and could change the landscape. I wasn’t going to slack and throw it. Of course, Sue gets extremely upset despite seeing me work on this nonstop since I got home a week prior or whenever, and later goes into complete screaming neurosis again. Yet, on my birthday, she picked a fight with Dan and turned into an army of screaming banshees and I hid in my room all day to avoid the chaos and her wrath, yet I never complained. And then after she drove out and came back, I played therapist. Did I hold it against her? No, no I didn’t, and the fight really was over something trivial. Yet if I forget Mother’s Day because I’m working on a pressing case, she must once again unleash the army of banshees. I’m really not exaggerating, I cannot begin to describe how she screams, not even my two toddler cousins can match her in volume, harshness, or intensity.

Sue made me play marriage counselor, mediator, and therapist for her. It was the worst. First of all, if you have marriage problems, maybe don’t turn to your child when they’re like 12. Go find a marriage counselor. And stop coming to me every time you have a tantrum (I can’t say fight because it’s always just a one-sided screaming match). Stop unloading on me one-sidedly all the time, it’s not even a conversation anymore when you don’t listen to anything I have to say and just talk about whatever the fuck you want. And stop dragging your husband in front of your children, go get a neutral party for that and stop manipulating us to turn against him. It was always so uncomfortable when she did that. We’d separately tell him in private that we didn’t agree, but any time we tried to really stand up to Sue, she’d start the crazies. Screaming, hitting people, slamming doors, dangerous driving, you name it. I should’ve let her kill herself in a car crash, but that would endanger someone else who doesn’t deserve that.

And there was just the general lack of support for my chosen career path. She always said she never pushed me in any direction and let me choose, but she fails to recognize that "barely tolerating" does not equal actual support. Actually, you can't even say she was tolerating. She didn't like that I wanted to go into public interest. She kept telling me people were going to lie and cheat me, even though there isn't really a way for my clients to cheat me out of anything, just as a practical and logistical matter. She encouraged Dan to join her in speaking about my path like it was some gross fly that had been smeared onto their windshield. I never broke confidentiality, but they would act like they knew my clients and would make disparaging remarks about them simply based on stereotypes and assumptions. When I first got the offer to go to Ghana, I didn't tell her for a week because I knew it would not go over well. When I did finally break the news to her, she pulled out ALL the stops. Crying, guilt-tripping, making it about herself. "Why do my children do this to me?????" she bemoaned. Jesus hell, lady, it's not about you, I’m not doing anything to you I’m just moving to Accra for work. Even if I die in this line of work (which I WON’T??) it’s like, I’m an adult who can make decisions about the direction of my life, sucks. And then she encouraged Dan to disparage Ghana based on stereotypes about the entire continent of Africa. I was going to a "wasteland," and they always said it with such vehemence and force behind their words. That was the truly ugly part, their tone of voice. I corrected them multiple times, saying Ghana was actually quite green, there were beaches, forests, and waterfalls, and that there is actually a sizable Chinese expat community and that I have contacts in Accra and the city is very friendly. My words always fell on deaf ears because they - especially Sue - insisted on their narrow world view. And the irony is Sue always told me I have no life experience, but it honestly seems like the other way around. She told me to buy travel insurance when I need expat insurance. Those two are indeed different things, and it definitely matters which one I get. Don't be stupid, you don't have any life experience.

Oh and she keeps asking for money, like 30k, for costs of raising me and sending me to school. Lmao that bitch can go fuck herself, if anything the ho owes me for IIED.

In conclusion, Sue is a crazy bitch who never should have had children and needs to be contained.