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naokimizutani-blog · 7 years

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My Experiences, Perspective, My Why, My Vision, Point Of View On the World, And What I Believe In...

Hey guys. This is my first blog, so some of you might need a little background story.

I’m currently living in Tokyo with my wife and cat. I teach Transcendental Meditation and living a comfortable life here. It wasn’t always this way, as I’ve had to find my purpose, persevere and overcome my lack of patience…which I’m still working on.

I was born and raised in downtown Los Angeles. Some people say they’re born in a “big city” when they’re actually born in the outskirts “nearby.” I was born in the middle of LA in Korea Town. Not the best of places, but it’s where my parents started when they immigrated from Japan with only a dream and drive to succeed, and eventually raised a family with three kids, a cat and a dog.

I never thought of myself as a minority, since I didn’t understand that there was even a majority. People were always people to me.

At home, my parents would speak Japanese. My father was from Kagoshima, Kyushu and my mother was from Osaka near Tennnoji. Luckily, I was placed in an environment where I didn’t have a lot of Japanese friends, so outside of the house, I spoke “SoCal” English. I write “SoCal” because later on, when I moved states for college, I found out the rest of America, or even the world, doesn’t speak the same laid back, “nah-man-everything’s-coo” English I spoke back in my hometown.

It also took me 25 years to realize that the Japanese I spoke at home was NOT the Japanese spoken by most people in Japan either. When I first came to Tokyo and heard formal Japanese (“keigo”), I had no clue what was being said. The clerk at the cash register would always look at me funny because I looked Japanese but couldn’t speak it fluently, which is a thing I sometimes still struggle with today. I probably come off as a Korean student who studies Japanese. These days, it seems the less I speak and just do subtle gestures combined with perfectly timed words, the more I fit right in.

Dialects are a real strange thing. I mean, can you imagine? What if you were born in an area with a specific dialect, and you moved out of your hometown only to realize that your dialect made you sound unintelligent to most people. Luckily the dialects I landed with weren’t so bad, but just a food for thought for those of you raising your children.

My parents were natural entrepreneurs. My dad owned an electronic store in Osaka, which is where he met my mother. (A really cute and funny story there that I’ll save for another blog.) It was during the economic bubble in Japan, so it was a good time to open up shop. He then sold it, followed his dreams, and flew to Los Angeles. My mother followed him to America a year later, and they eventually opened up a Japanese restaurant in Cypress, Orange County.

For all of my childhood, from preschool to high school, my parents were running their restaurant business. During my elementary school years, I’d go there after school and hang out in the back room until my mom finished work. I remember there was always a lot of customers. It was probably the fact that no one else in the area offered teriyaki bowls, sushi, udon noodles, yakisoba or chicken karaage. All I’ll say is that the food at home was ALWAYS good. :)

I admired the culture they created with their customers. Everyone seemed to know my parents by name, and even the police and fire fighters would come in and high-five me.

The only time I got in trouble for being there was when I got bored waiting and stuck my hand in a mountain of rice grains. It felt pretty amazing, but I learned never to mess with quality assurance when a customer witnessed me and my mom brought her scolding thunder.

My mother hardly speaks English, even today, and she claims you only need two things to survive in another country. A smile and “thank you.” I guess that’s why I naturally always smile and say thank you.

My parents did a pretty good job in keeping all three kids out of trouble. They kept us busy. Besides regular school, I trained in a basketball league 3-5 days a week with a weekend game. It wasn’t the league for aspiring Michael Jordan’s and Kobe Bryant’s, but the Asian one. I seriously thought I was pretty good at basketball until I met guys twice my size in Jr. High and High School that easily swatted my threes and dunked over my low defensive stance.

You know that feeling when you train every day and night, even though the lights are out at the park, trying to perfect your moves and shots for 10 years, only to find out you were living in a small bubble and there were guys with better genetics and more talent than you? It’s basically what happened to me with karate, piano, and golf as well, even though I won a lot of competitions, received awards, and featured in local newspapers…in my small bubble.

Basketball and karate brings a lot of good memories, though. It wasn’t winning the competitions and being the best that I enjoyed. It was the process of improving myself and enjoying the community.

My Jr. High and High School years were colored with hip hop, breakdancing and DJing. The Fugees, Tribe Called Quest, Tupac, Ice Cube, Rakim, KRS One, EPMD, Wu Tang, Biggie, DJ Qbert, Mix Master Mike, come to mind. It was always for fun, and my homiez always knew how to have a good time. After school, I’d swim at my friend’s pool, go snowboarding, or have bonfires at the beach. Life was good in the SoCal way.

Since my parents were also successful in network marketing as a side business, I remember being taken to large mansions with 13 rooms overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was sitting in on meetings and events like these where I learned that business was all about building a community, and financial success was just an outcome. It seemed like the business part was only an excuse to get together because 80-90% of the conversation was about family and kids.

My dad took the family on a local trip every weekend, we had a family trip multiple times a year, and visited our relatives in Japan once a year up until I was in high school.

My parents wanted all three kids to at least be able to understand Japanese and speak to our grandparents, so on top of going to weekday school and all the extra curricular activity, we went to Japanese school on Saturdays.

Boy, did I hate it. It wasn’t that it was hard or difficult. I just really didn’t like the mentality and culture at the Japanese school. Being raised in an American culture, especially in the “sunshine” culture of LA where you’re free to express yourself, going to Japanese school felt like the cringe most people feel when they hear about what’s going on in North Korea. Rigid, so many rules, and very top-down hierarchy. Eek.

It made me appreciate the American culture even more. I excelled in American school, but never did my homework for my Japanese school. I made a ton of friends during the weekdays, but got in a fight every Saturday. It was two opposite worlds, and it was stressful. I think I took out all my aggression and frustration in sports and recreation.

Then, the next day of the week were the peaceful days at Sunday school. That’s where I gained exposure to profound questions to life. It naturally made me think deeply, and put the small things into perspective. It set the foundation, the “thesis” for the direction in my life.

College felt sudden to me. I wasn’t prepared AT ALL. My parents were immigrants, so they didn’t know what to do or how to prepare. With my so-so grades, I cruised right into San Diego State University and that’s when I found out college was about drinking and partying. There was literally a free shuttle bus that would take students from college campus to Tijuana to go party. It all felt lame to me, so my attention went inwards to search for truth and what’s real. It made me ask bigger questions and initiated my soul searching.

I ended up transferring to a private college that specialized in traditional oriental medicine. It was my first exposure to acupuncture, herbs and hippies! I was fascinated because it was a new world to me and off the beaten path. After getting certified as a therapist, I continued my soul searching while attending community college.

During that time, one book that grabbed my attention was the “Autobiography of a Yogi” by Paramahansa Yogananda. I visited the Self-Realization Fellowship temples, participated in some classes, and learned some meditation techniques. The Eastern traditions were drawing me closer and closer, and I became fascinated with ancient Vedic knowledge.

One day, somewhere in Pasadena, I was walking home from a rock concert featuring Yellowcard, and saw a poster for the preview of “What The Bleep Do We Know” at a local bookstore. I was fascinated by the concept of quantum physics, mind over matter, and the law of attraction. To be honest, a lot of the speakers seemed too “out there” for my taste, but a Harvard professor caught my attention - Dr. John Hagelin.

I found he was a faculty member of a little known college in the middle of Iowa, called Maharishi University of Management (MUM). I searched for their website, and felt goosebumps. My gut feeling was telling me to go, so I convinced my dad to visit with me and I ended up becoming a student within a few months.

MUM was in a small town located in Fairfield, Iowa. The first reaction from my older sister, Jenny, was “Why are you going to Ohio?” It made me laugh, but I honestly didn’t have a rational, logical reasoning. I just had an intuition.

At MUM, I learned Transcendental Meditation, meditated twice a day with thousands of students, professors and people from many different countries. It was the world I started to glimpse at the oriental medicine school, but multiplied by a thousand.

Fairfield is a town of 10,000 people, where the majority of residents are health conscious artists, entrepreneurs and business owners. Those 5 years taught me what was possible on a community level if enough people agreed to a common lifestyle. My perspective of the world went from a dark, violent world, to a stress-free, peace-loving one.

I majored in Environmental Science, and minored in Vedic Science. Then, my last year was focused on mathematics and physics. I ended up being the assistant for Dr. John Hagelin’s first-year physics course, which was a crash course on fundamental physics and quantum physics.

I then found an opportunity to go to the Maharishi European Research University (MERU) in Vlodrop, Holland. Let me tell you, the feeling of the place made it seem like it was a different world. The closest thing I can relate it to is the Jedi counsel in Star Wars. Yoda was like the TM founder Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, and the Jedi masters were like the many leaders from various countries. Some were from countries I probably wouldn’t be able to point out on a map even if my life depended on it. Kyrgyzstan, Brunei, or Malta anyone? MERU was like an extension of Fairfield, but more organized with a bit more of a corporate feeling to it. Kind of like a miniature United Nations, but without all the greed and corruption. After all, it was the headquarters for the global TM organization.

I was at MERU when Maharishi passed away, and suddenly flew over to India to attend the grand ceremony. Yes, India. Who would have ever thought I would end up in India? It was a major culture shock. My heart and mind were not prepared for the trip. I stayed close with a few friends I made at MERU who became some of my most cherished friends even today.

We backpacked it through rickshaws and cows, hopping on trains, and spending the night at one-star hotels. There’s a reason why people who have gone to India bond instantly. It’s because they’ve experienced something most people have never seen. A few places we visited: New Delhi, Allahabad, Varanasi, Rishikesh, Himalayan villages and a random city in Jabalpur, where we visited palm leaf astrologists, called Brighu Pandits.

After 90 days of travel, spiritual growth, and stomach problems, we said farewell and some of us flew to Phuket, Thailand. It seemed like paradise with coconuts, durian and white sand beaches.

Life took a 360 turn around after my trip, though, when I got back home to my parents place. I was 25, and received a phone call to be invited to help with educational conferences in Japan for the summer. The only reason I was invited was because I graduated from MUM, was Japanese, and made a connection at MERU. I helped set up conferences in Hiroshima, Osaka, Kyoto, and Tokyo, which had some really high profile people.

Remember how I didn’t enjoy my Japanese school? It was basically the same situation, but worse. Go figure! I was too independent minded. I spoke when I wasn’t supposed to. Everything was backwards for me, and I must have upset a lot of “seniors” because I disturbed their way of doing things.

During the storm of cultural clash, I somehow met my wife, Yoko. There were three times in my life when I had a gut feeling of assurance. The first time was finding MUM. The second time was becoming an instructor of TM. The third was finding my wife. I’ve heard when the emotion and intellect integrate, there is a knowingness. It’s called intuition. It’s what I’ve based my life decisions on, and it hasn’t seemed to fail me. (Knock on wood)

From that moment on, my life was spun around, and I ended up marrying Yoko in less than a year of knowing each other. I began living in Japan without any plans or preparation, and really struggled to make ends meet at first. While gaining practical experience in life, such as paying the bills, working, and building a comfortable home, I simultaneously began to meet a lot of clairvoyants and clairaudients. The “SoCal” part of me would say “get-outta-here” but it’s just a normal day for me now. I don’t know why or how I meet them, but it’s just a reoccurring pattern. Must be some kind of pattern in nature.

Being in Japan, for me, has been a process of integrating my heart and mind, the left and right brain. I’ve been to high-end business seminars and personal development seminars. I’ve taught English for GABA, and rated with 5-stars at their Shinagawa office. I worked for a moving company, organic market, a farm, and as an international salesperson for a prototype car manufacturer. I don’t know what happened to all the samurais in Japan, but I think many of their offsprings work in the auto industry now. There’s a reason why Japan makes some of the best cars and technology in the world. There is a culture of being very organized, systematic and detail oriented.

After overworking, nearly breaking my back and having internal breakdowns from losing the "American” part of me, my wife and I had an intuition to become certified TM instructors and we both took a leap of faith. It was five and a half months of intensive meditation, training and bliss.

When Yoko and I graduated, we were ready to take on the world. We felt refreshed, filled with optimism and enthusiasm. Out of the group of teachers who graduated with us, we were the first to open our TM center in Akasaka. From a national average of 3 to 5 clients per month, we had 30 to 50 people sign up starting the first month. We already had a network of friends and clients who trusted us, and we used all our previous experience and knowledge about business to really make it a success. We soon became the most successful instructors in Japan, and became one of the highest performing teachers in the world.

No one grows with easy growth. All successful entrepreneurs experience a “punch in the face” that made them evolve and improve. I’ve experienced a fair share of my own, which had to do with a cloud of jealousy that overshadowed the blue sky above us and someone decided to close our center and take us off the map. It was one of those Japanese ninja tactics. I never received a clear answer as to what happened, but I can guess why. It’s one of those things in life you couldn’t do anything about, and it wasn’t worth fighting about. I decided to suck it up and move on.

We eventually managed to establish an independent TM organization in Japan with the approval from the international organization, and opened up our new TM center in Shinjuku, Japan, which is our current location. In the first 3 years, thousands of people have come through our doors.

We focused on nurturing our community, and created a wealth of loyal friends who referred their friends and family. We even had the privilege to teach an entire company with a hundred fifty employees. We have regular weekend retreat courses in Izu, and regular advanced lectures and courses around Japan. It may not be a place that everyone would be attracted to, but it seems fit for those people who like a positive, young and successful atmosphere, which is the way I like it.

The most difficult thing for me was learning patience to manage a company. Everything was new to me, and I had to learn about administration, finances, marketing, and sales, which I had no idea how to do. I only knew in my gut the direction I needed to take the company, but the process was very slow. It was the grind.

The only way to keep myself from giving up was cultivating my gratitude. The top things you need in creating a successful business is purpose, perseverance and patience. Without it, you’ll end up wanting to take shortcuts that eventually bite you back somewhere down the road.

I’ve been lucky with moments that seemed to be too good to be true. Call it serendipity or synchronicity, but when we were in the deep with our company, something or someone always seemed to come around to bring us back to where we needed to be. It’s like an invisible hand. I believe when you genuinely want to do good for others, and you’re doing your best to make it happen, the opportunity for luck to come into your life increases. I’ve been lucky many times in my life.

At the end of the day, no matter how hard the grind is, it comes down to joy and laughter. My wife thinks I’m the comedian, but she cracks me up multiple times a day. Laughter helps to keep things in perspective and makes the process so much more enjoyable. There are 99 million things to be worried and frustrated about everyday, but there’s always at least 1 thing you can find to laugh about. When I find it hard to find that one thing, it’s usually because I’m in the deep end of being too serious. I like to take a moment to smile at how intensely focused I am. Taking one step back, seeing the big picture, and just appreciating and finding the humor in every situation always helped me get through the darkest hours.

When you cultivate joy and laughter, it radiates and it’s what people are naturally attracted to. Everyone knows life isn’t easy, and if you don’t know, you probably still live with your parents or got a lucky break. When you radiate this joy, people want to be a part of it, and want to share it with others. We’ve been lucky to have a flow of referrals from our dedicated community only through word of mouth.

I have learned that in business your pipeline is your lifeblood and it always needs to be full. You have to constantly create awareness in prospective clients, provide enough information so they can do their own research and become interested, make an offer, deliver a good quality product or service, and follow up. You always need to have the energy flowing in your business. Otherwise, you’re not flowing. You’re not moving. That causes the wheels to stop turning and your company comes to a hault. Keeping your eyes on the whole process while focusing on the details takes some practice.

If done right, you can eventually create 500 true fans. It’s all you really need to create a success business and a comfortable life. For example, if you have 500 people who trust you, and like you and your services, they’re ready to be a part of your events, courses, and activities. Let’s say those 500 people purchase your $30 product or service. That’s $15,000. For most people, that’s a comfortable monthly income. For most businesses, that’s not all that difficult to achieve.

You start to create a culture where people gain value through the community and being together. Just how an organism is made of many microorganism, or how the galaxy is made of many stars and solar systems, your company becomes sustainable with 500 true fans.

Currently, I feel I’m getting ready to move on to another level in life beyond teaching TM and managing a TM center. After teaching hundreds of people and seeing the change in their life, I’m now drawn to helping others build a business that is fueled by their passion and purpose.

I need to do me. I have to keep following my intuition and joy. So I’ve created the Cosmic Entrepreneur program to help people build a mind body startup with 500 true fans. This can be beneficial for people just getting started or business owners who want to learn a more “zen” way of doing things. There really is no need to become a millionaire to live a good life. I’ve done a million and a half, and I can tell you it doesn’t really change anything other than the fact that you can buy more things. You still have to work on you, and I’m sure your wife will happily remind you of that.

Becoming wealthy isn’t a bad thing. However, it’s the unsatisfied small ego that wants to continuously grab a hold of millions and millions of dollars that you can’t even manage. It causes an imbalance of what you desire and what you actually need. This causes strain. All you need is to create a sustainable ecosystem in your business, so that you can enjoy the process called life. A business is always to support your lifestyle, not the other way around.

With the ever-changing field of marketing, online platforms, and social media, etc., it’s effecting the global economy and the large corporations. The media agencies on Wall Street are definitely feeling it.

I believe more and more people will want to become independent. There will be a growing number of house wives who start a home business and create their own independent income. More 14 year olds will become YouTubers and eBay flippers, rather than becoming hamburger flippers. Experienced professionals will become freelancers or contract workers, rather than caging themselves in a corporate environment. There is already a growing number of entrepreneurs and business owners, which only creates more opportunity for investors, angels, and philanthropists.

My intuition also tells me more and more people will want more balance between their happiness, health, and wealth. More people will want less B.S., such as these self-help gurus who don’t have real solution, talent or life experiences. People will steer away from these “make money fast” gurus who have never owned a real business. Those who took shortcuts may do well in the short term, but in the next 5, 10 or 20 years, the market will separate the authentic from the phony.

People will need to stop chasing an unreachable dream and become comfortable with who they really are, not what the media tells them to become. People will naturally enjoy more down time, family time, and being a part of a community. Technology, artificial intelligence, virtual reality and e-sports will change the way we use time, socialize and make purchases.

To be happy and comfortable, you don’t need to be a millionaire, be famous, or live each day to extremes as if it was the last day of your life. We just need to be ourselves, and less influenced by what others think of us. The next 5 or 10 years are going to challenge every one of us to find our purpose, perseverance, and patience.

Do you.

I’ve been in this business for about a decade now. I’ve met a lot of gooneys and some of the most amazing individuals. I’ve had my highs, and I’ve had my lows. I’m fascinated by it. I’m growing fast. I’m learning fast. I’m still a student of this stuff, but I have a service to offer for those of you getting started or want to take things to the next level.

I’m starting a series of talks called “Mind Body Startup with 500 True Fans.” It’s an integration of my new venture Cosmic Entrepreneur and TM Japan.

There is a process I created called Be-Do-Thrive. Be, meaning going within and getting to know yourself. Do, meaning finding a suitable business model that suits your lifestyle. Thrive, meaning utilizing the latest platforms to reach and nuture your 500 fans as quickly as possible. Topics include mind-body health, self-branding, building 500 true fans, latest marketing strategies through social media, and how meditation can help you in the process.

I hold lectures in Tokyo, which include a brief overview, a networking session to meet other participants, some demos, Q&A, and a mini-private session for those interested.

I also offer private sessions, live events and webinars, regular blog posts, videos, and share information on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Snapchat, Line, and Instagram. If you are interested, feel free to connect with me or email [email protected]

I wish you happiness, health and wealth, and most of all, I hope you enjoy the process of becoming more you.

Stay tuned to get the latest updates and insider’s tips.

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paintedface · 8 years

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Misfits Prologue

Summary: An introduction into your college life, including your room mates and your crush which you really shouldn’t have

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (ALTERNATE UNIVERSE)

Word Count: 1,679

Warnings: none, really

Notes: This is a demo fic, I’m not quite sure if I’ll continue it or not. This is a rushed prologue, but I hope you like it! This series won’t have much angst, sorry!

Now:

Sometimes life didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Sometimes it worked exactly how you wanted it to. This was one of those times, and you aren’t exactly sure how you lucked out. Or how you are still lucky.

Then:

Your name is Y/N Y/L/N, a graphic design student in your junior, fourth, year of University. You spend your time doing both online and actual painted commissions, finishing assignments and binge watching Netflix. You’re not the most social person, an obvious introvert. You are quite the contrast to your room mates though.

Natasha Romanoff. How do you even begin to describe Natasha Romanoff? She has so many secrets and you don’t even bother to try find them out. She’s dangerous, has a black belt in karate. She could beat up a 7 foot guy with one perfectly aimed punch. Now that you think about it, she has beaten up a 7 foot guy before easily. No sweat. She’s alluring as well, curves in the right places, thick red curls and long eyelashes. However, if anyone even dared to touch her thigh higher than to be friendly, she would kick them in the groin. With her high heel. She’s incredibly smart too, acing all her classes. She’s studying Physical Education, and it’s a breeze for her. You’re lucky to have her as a friend though, she really is good fun.

Wanda Maximoff. When you first met her and Natasha, you thought they may have been related, because of the endings of their last name. She’s a Dance student, you’ve never met someone so graceful before. She’s quietly spoken, shy and reserved. Something happened in her past that had scarred her, making her a bit afraid of herself. Her parents aren’t around anymore, but you’re not insensitive enough to ask about the situation. She’s a bit taller than you, with long brown hair and a complexion you wish you had. Sometimes you wish you had her fashion sense because she rocks all the clothes she wears.

Pepper Potts. She’s the one who stops Natasha from getting involved with all the frat parties. Well…you all stop her, but Pepper has that authoritative ‘mother’ voice. Pepper is studying law, and rightfully so. She is great at negotiation and arguing, from your knowledge. She’s one of the kindest people you’ve met, which is strange, considering her boyfriend is an asshole. She’s always organised, with planners and to-do lists. Her outfits are clean and sharp, hardly an orange hair out of place. Despite her tidy exterior, she’s extremely funny as well.

Finally, Peggy Carter. Your absolute best friend. She actually deserves to rule the world, with all the damn right qualities. She’s been your friend since Year 5, and she’s been your life support through all the years. She was there for you when you first got dumped, she was there for you when you were being bullied. She, like Wanda, is amazing in anything, having flair and style. She’s the right mixture of work and party, though she knows much better than to ever get drunk. She studies business management, and you know her business would succeed instantly once she’s gotten out of college.

You’re not certain how you ended up with this bunch of room mates, but you’re not complaining. At least they don’t bring in random guys into their beds. No way would you tolerate that.

You’re specifically connected to the dorm above you in the apartment building through romance. You don’t have any luck with love, but your room mates do.

Natasha is dating a young man named Clint Barton, who, for some reason, is a master at archery. Every time he does darts in a bar, he wins. He’s doing a Physical Education course too. He has a great sense of humour, and he’s fun to be around. He also goes out with Nat about every weekend, and is probably really bad for her. They’re both bad for each other, but you can’t argue with love, right? They never seem to get hungover after parties, which is strange considering the amount of alcohol they consume. They also screw at least once a week. On those nights, you blast music through your earphones in an attempt to drown out their moans.

Wanda’s with Vis Midsten, who’s just as quiet as she is. He’s highly intelligent, his brain power probably higher than all of your friends’ ones combined. He’s always dressed well, shirts, sweaters, pants and dress shoes. You don’t talk to him much, but then again, he doesn’t talk much either.

About that asshole Pepper’s with…his name is Tony Stark. You have no idea how such a sweet person like Pepper could be dating someone so arrogant and egotistical as Tony Stark. You, personally, don’t see what’s in him, and you don’t know why Pepper stays with him. Maybe he’s soft and mushy in the inside, you have no idea. From what you’ve heard and seen of him though, he’s taking an engineering course, and is quite good at it. Doesn’t excuse his annoying behaviour though.

When you first saw Steve Rogers, you knew he had to be with Peggy. They were made for each other. Steve had golden hair, which looked beautiful beside Peggy’s brown curls. He was virtuous and would help anyone. Peggy was bold, brave, but you knew the moment her heart melted-when she first introduced herself to Steve. You enjoyed his company, especially as he was studying English and wrote amazing stories. You sometimes drew sketches to his stories, and you always had a good time thinking up ideas with him. You never went further than a strong friendship, though.

Everyone else is paired off, but that doesn’t mean that the last eligible person in that dorm would want you. Because it’s Bucky Barnes.

Bucky Barnes…otherwise known as James Buchanan Barnes. God, the moment when you first properly met him, you fell for him. Literally, you stumbled while walking towards him, and almost fell flat on your face. But luckily, he caught you on the upper arm, chuckling, and pulled you back up. You never believed in 'love at first sight,’ thinking it was extremely sappy. However, Bucky sort of changed that. For the first time, you actually longed to be with someone, desperately hoping that one day, you would find out he would reciprocate your feelings. When he held your arm after you had embarrassed yourself, it felt like shivers were running up your spine. The good kind of shivers, like you were excited about something. And that laugh…it was warm, broad and low. You couldn’t get enough of that laugh, you wished you could hear it more often. You still do. His voice is the same, husky and gentle, every word careful. People would find that quite odd, because, speaking frankly, Bucky’s a punk rocker.

That may be an overstatement, as you know he’s not a punk rocker or a heavy metal, he’s more of an emo, but it’s true. It doesn’t mean he’s not kind, because he is. You’ve seen him stand up to frat boys trying to hit on Wanda. And on movie nights, he’s always laughing and not making rude remarks. He doesn’t make rude remarks in general. He’s extremely smart, studying music and English. However, he’s a person who has a lot of piercings, up his ear, a stud in his nose, a lip ring and an eyebrow bar. He doesn’t have enough to make him look menacing, intimidating, but there’s still quite a few of them. You honestly think they’re extremely hot. He has tattoos too, a sleeve of them on his left arm. A red star with wandering vines trailing out of it, metallic lines across his skin, with different geometric patterns that snake up to his collarbone. You think he has one on his right rib, though you’ve never had the chance to properly see it. You’ve seen a few others dotted around, not big ones though. As an artist, you admire them, intrigued by the designs. You wish you could trace your finger over them one day without him thinking you’re weird.

Bucky wears leathers jackets, dark t shirts with the names of bands that are probably like My Chemical Romance and Panic! At The Disco. His skinny jeans just kill you, defining his long and muscular legs, a few of his jeans having rips in the knees and torn in a few other places, looking scuffed. You liked the non-torn ones just as much as the torn ones. He sometimes wears scarves, thin cloth ones, wound around his neck several times. Belts, both chain and leather, hang loose in their loops, slung down to mid thigh. You hardly ever see him out of leather boots, sometimes rivalling the height of the heels you own.

He wears eyeliner. He…wears…fucking…eyeliner. It kills you. It takes all your strength to not eyefuck him from across the room when he’s got that black, smudged liner around his blue grey, stormy eyes. Especially when he’s smirking, soft pink lips curled up in one corner.

Bucky’s taller than you, probably about a head taller. He fucking towers over you. Maybe it’s just the heels. You also want you to bury your hands in his hair, soft, wavy brown hair almost reaching his shoulders. He often wears it in a ponytail or a bun, but when he wears it loose, you inwardly groan because he looks so good.

Yes, you basically have every detail of him memorised, but you’ve been having a secret crush for over a year now. It’s eating you away from the inside, and if you don’t tell him soon, then you won’t see him for a while, seeing as it’s the second final year of college. But the fear of being rejected is way too much, and you’ve chickened out every time you decided to tell him. Nat keeps teasing you about it, and you tell her to shut up.

You tell yourself that one day, you’ll tell him. But you haven’t yet.

Part 1

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