#fuck this shit. anyway rani takes on the world 2 time.

[doctorwhoisadhd]

FUCKING FINALLY

[sandymybeloved]

I recently asserted that Sarah-Jane and the Bannerman Road kids rarely stumble across trouble, trouble comes to fuck with them. I have decided to test if my assertion is true, the numbers are as follows

investigative journalism (characters investigate a company/phenomenom/disappearace/whatever and find aliens): 9/37 stories

an accident (no matter what these characters would have been involved, wrong place wrong time): 5/37 stories

fuck you (antagonists are specifically messing with Sarah-Jane or the Bannerman Road kids, sometimes for the sake of it, sometimes because its part of their plans for world domination): 17/37 stories

fuck you Sarah-Jane (the antagonist wants Sarah): 10/37 stories

fuck you Luke: 3/37 stories

fuck you Clyde: 5/37 stories

fuck you Rani: 5/37 episodes

please note some of the episodes count for multiple categories, obviously every fuck you is targeted, sometimes at multiple people, but sometimes different characters get involved in different ways

also bear in mind I have a better memory of some episodes than others so some may be miscounted

the specific breakdown by story is under the cut

[ID: graphical representation of the cummulative total of types of inciting incident \end ID]

Series 1 (Invasion of the Bane - The Lost Boy)

Investigative Journalism: 3/6 | Accident: 3/6 | Fuck You: 2/6 | Fuck You Sarah-Jane: 1/6 | Fuck You Luke: 1/6

Invasion of the Bane: Sarah-Jane does investigative journalism, Maria is on a tour of the factory when shit hits the fan (1 investigative journalism, 1 accident)

Revenge of the Slitheen: Slitheen infiltrate the kids new school (accident)

Eye of the Gorgon: investigating ghosts at an old peoples home (investigative journalism)

Warriors of Kudlak: Maria and Sarah-Jane investigate weird weather patterns and disappearances, Clyde and Luke play laser tag at what turns out to be the front for the alien's plans (1 investigative journalism, 1 accident)

Whatever Happened to Sarah Jane: the Trickster causes Sarah-Jane to die as a teenager so a meteor will destroy the Earth (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

The Lost Boy: Slitheen pretend to be Luke's biological parents so they can use his intelligence (fuck you Luke)

Series 2 (The Last Sontaran - Enemy of the Bane)

Investigative Journalism: 3/6 | Fuck You: 4/6 | Fuck You Sarah-Jane: 2/6 | Fuck You Clyde: 2/6 | Fuck You Rani: 1/6

The Last Sontaran: investigating strange lights around a telescope (investigative journalism)

The Day of the Clown: a clown follows Clyde and Rani, they then do investigations, but the clown following is the inciting incident (fuck you Clyde and Rani)

Secrets of the Stars: investigating a guy for who astrology works, his plan would have happened anyway, but the group are interested before that (investigative journalism)

The Mark of the Berserker: this one is difficult to call, ultimately the main antagonist of the episode is Clyde's dad, the episode would have ended a quarter of the way through were it not for Clyde's dad stealing the pendant Rani found, him then getting Clyde to leave with him is what got everyone else involved. Ultimately this one is a combination of Rani investigating why that boy was acting strangely, and Clyde's dad taking Clyde and causing the actual problems (investigative journalism, fuck you Clyde)

The Temptation of Sarah-Jane Smith: the Trickster lays a trap for Sarah-Jane so cause the world to descend into a dystopian hellscape (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

Enemy of the Bane: Miss Wormwood shows back up and asks Sarah-Jane for help, it is a trap but thats how our group get involved (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

Series 3 (Prisoner of the Judoon - The Gift)

Investigative Journalism: 2/6 | Accident: 1/6 | Fuck You: 4/6 | Fuck You Sarah-Jane: 2/6 | Fuck You Luke: 1/6 | Fuck You Clyde: 1/6 | Fuck You Rani: 2/6

Prisoner of the Judoon: Sarah-Jane tracks a pod and they find an alien fugitive (investigative journalism)

The Mad Woman in the Attic: Rani's friend has been emailing her about weird stuff at a themepark local to him, as she is pulled into it by investigation from someone not in the main group, I'm not counting it as investigative journalism (fuck you Rani)

The Wedding of Sarah-Jane Smith: another trap by the Trickster (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

The Eternitiy Trap: this one is tricky, as far as I remember, the group are asked there by some scientist friends, but I don't think it counts as a fuck you deal (investigative journalism, fuck you nobody)

The Mona Lisa's Revenge: the Mona Lisa comes to life while the kids are at the art gallery on a school trip (accident)

The Gift: the Blathereen give the group a gift that turns out to be a bioweapon (fuck you everybody)

Series 4 (The Nightmare Man - Goodbye Sarah-Jane Smith)

Fuck You: 6/6 | Fuck You Sarah-Jane: 4/6 | Fuck You Luke: 1/6 | Fuck You Clyde: 2/6 | Fuck You Rani: 2/6

The Nightmare Man: a being haunts Luke with nightmares (fuck you Luke

The Vault of Secrets: Androvax returns and asks Sarah-Jane for help, its a trick but thats how our group gets involved (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

Death of the Doctor: the Doctor fakes his death, Sarah-Jane, and by extension the group, are invited to the funeral (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

The Empty Planet: everyone on Earth disappears, except Clyde and Rani because they were grounded by the Judoon in a previous story (fuck you Clyde and Rani)

Lost in Time: another tricky one, investigative journalism least them to a man who spreads them all throughout time, except the man wanted to be found so its more like a trap (fuck you everybody)

Goodbye Sarah-Jane Smith: a woman ingratiates herself with Sarah-Jane and the gang so she can make Sarah-Jane believe she's loosing touch, and ultimately take over the Earth (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

Series 5 (Sky - The Man Who Never Was)

Investigative Journalism: 1/3 | Accident: 1/3 | Fuck You: 1/3 | Fuck You Sarah-Jane: 1/3

Sky: a baby is dumped of Sarah-Jane's doorstep (fuck you Sarah-Jane)

The Curse of Clyde Langer: Clyde gets a splinter, then his life falls apart (accident)

The Man Who Never Was: the group investigate a company launching a revolutionary new computer (investigative journalism)

[unicornbitchface]

Raat ki Rani

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

Background: A story set in the colonial past of India.

Beta’d by my lovely friend @madbaddic7ed​​ !

No warnings as such, but I shall let you know before the chapter if needed!

........................................................................................................................

Chapter 1

It was the third time someone had disturbed his sleep. “Go away, you shitbag!”, he growled.

The servant stood there, not knowing what to do. The Saab was already late by two hours for the meeting and had not even come down for breakfast. He did not dare to go back to the Maharaja with the same news again.

A set of heavy footsteps brought some relief to his pounding heart. Kulwant stood there, tall at seven feet and broad like the pillars of the palace. The servant tried to explain, but he was waved off. That was enough for the lanky fellow to understand that the job shall be done. After all, Kunwar Kulwant Singh was the very capable General and a close confidant of the king, Maharaja Ganga Singh. There was no job that was too low for his stature, and neither insurmountable.

The prick of ice-cold water hit the Lord before anything else. He was out of the bed in a flash, with his pistol cocked at the General. Face red with fury, he said, “How dare you? What the fuck do you think you are doing? Do you have a fucking death wish?” And with that, a bullet hit the door behind Kulwant.

Unknowing of his position and experience, Cavill expected the General to cower and beg for forgiveness. Instead, there wasn’t even a minute change in this giant man’s breathing.

“Are you done, Cavill Saab? Since you so politely asked, let me introduce myself. I am Kunwar Kulwant Singh, General to the Maharaja of Bikaner, Shri Ganga Singh. And I am here to take you to meet with him, which, as his guest, you should have taken the initiative of. 10 minutes, downstairs.”

With that, the broad tree left. What an odd fellow! The British own their asses, but the pomp hasn’t died. Well, he’s here now. Things ought to change. Whores don’t belong beside you in bed, they always belong under or on their knees.

The Maharaja waited in the Diwan-e-Aam. He needed this meeting to go well. He didn’t care about those pale buffoons, but the money he got was too tempting to abandon. Anyway, what did his ancestors achieve with all the morality in the world? Power leads, the weak follows and Ganga Singh was born with power.

While he waited, he had called upon his daughters, or liabilities that would cost him expensive dowries sooner or later. As they arrived, he asked them to be seated. He looked at his older ones, Renu Bai and Revati Bai, both gorgeous and docile- his favourites and began.

“I hope you all have been informed by your mother that we will now have a British employee in the court and he shall be living with us. You know what is expected of you, don’t you?”

Both of them nodded, while the third one sat there confused. Revati, the oldest said, “Yes Father, we know that we must not leave the zenana mahal without a chaperone and we are not to interact with that strange man.”

Ganga Singh nodded, proud of her answer. The third one, Damini Bai had not spoken a word, much to her father’s disappointment. But he did not lash out, as he had different plans for this wretched, rebellious daughter of his. He was about to give his orders when she spoke up.

“Shouldn't HE need a chaperone? After all, he is staying in MY house. Why curb my freedom, father?” THIS. This again. Sometimes Ganga had doubts that she was even his! Out of his four children, Damini was born with a tongue that wouldn’t stop wagging even in her sleep. Always asking, always questioning.

“Well, my lovely child, don’t worry. You do not have to curb anything! You are to fly. Fly right into the arms of the British dog, making sure he has everything he desires. You are to be his companion. Do not disappoint me Damini. Do you under-”

“I WILL JUMP IN A FRESH PYRE BEFORE I EVEN SHOW MY FACE TO THAT THUG! HOW COULD YOU, FATHER?! I AM YOUR BLOODY DAUGHTER!”

“LANGUAGE, DAMINI. Do not forget who you are standing in front of!”

“Of course I do, the great Maharaja of Bikaner, who seems to have forgotten his Rajputana pride for some petty gold. Good luck with your dog!”

She won’t go far. This was the last straw, and she will have to bend to his will even if he had to lock her in the Lord’s room himself!

*****************

Cavill walked through the corridors behind the General, who took three steps at a time! He could hear faint giggles and bell-like sounds when the giggles moved. He tried to spot these creatures but failed. Insanity all around!

With an empty stomach and disrupted sleep, he was not in the best moods when he was almost knocked off of his feet. Again.

That smell again.

Sweet.

Fresh.

Thick.

It engulfed him and rendered him speechless. All thoughts ceased, the time stopped. His feet couldn’t move, as if needing permission from the fragrance.

He could barely hear the Mountain talking to him, everything drowned around him. Like a moth to a flame, his heart took over and he ran after the scent.

Reaching a hall, he madly searched for the owner, or maybe there was no owner, only a source. Whatever it was, he wanted to know. No, scratch that, he needed to know or he would not survive.

It took a while for the madness to seep out of the air, which is when he realised where he stood and with whom. Shit! He was supposed to dominate, stand tall in authority and here he was, chanting “Who was here? That smell.” like a lunatic.

“Lord Cavill, I am not sure who you are talking about! And what smell?” said a voice deepened with age but firm nevertheless. The king was genuinely perturbed, and yet joyful that the British Raj had sent a bogus man to his court for audits.

“Um, it’s nothing I am sure. I apologise, I am perhaps tired from the long journey. So, shall we begin Mr Singh?”

The meeting went on for hours, with the Maharaja discussing various incomes and expenditures in quite the detail. However, his entire being was gripped by only one vice.

That smell.

Prologue

Chapter 2

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 20.10.20 lb

great, the memory card has fallen off aryan's shoe onto the floor. can't wait to see it kicked and passed around the house like the heere in andaz apna apna ka climax.

a wholeass pailllllllll of nails chachi has, and she knocked it over, and now she's scooped the memory card and put it with the nails. abbe yaaaaaaaaar.

dadi is a little too fida on this bahu. hello, you have other grandchildren in this house too? yes ok most of them other than siya suck, but still!!!! angre ko toh itna laad nahi deti aap??? i would argue he deserves it more, having to handle two-two sankiii raisinghania siblings. 

lehenga waala controversy ki hawwwwwww vansh ki maa ka lehenga kaise pehen liya tumneeeeeee, and riddhima's like bishhhhhh my man gave it to meeee.

btw i think it's rude af that vansh got haq over it and not ishani and siya. i would totally not let a brother give away my mom's payal AND lehenga to some chick he married coz he thought she was a shady bitch here to spy on the fam. HE DIDN'T EVEN MARRY HER COZ HE LOVED HER OR NOTHING!!!!!!! WHY DOES SHE GET OUR MOM'S STUFF?!?!?!!?!? WHO MADE HIM THE BEQUEATHER OF HER HEIRLOOMS????????

long story short, i agree with ishani's bitchface here.

face-off between saas bahu over whether vansh will show up for aarti. lordddddddddddd, y'all better off betting on shit like the ipl, at least kuch toh paise mil jaate usmein.

full raisinghania parivaar convinced ki nahi aayega vansh.

but oh????????? YEH KISKI HAI AAAHAT???????? YEH KISA HAI SAAYA?????????

boooooooooooyah in your faces, bitches. though mans looks like he'd rather wrestle a pack of wild dogs than be doing this. HE'S HERE. THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.  

behold the power of heterosexual crushy-wushy feelings (triple-boosted by the power of maa ka lehenga.)

mann hi mann mein gutargooo. god, just rip off the beautiful clothes and fuckkkk, you idiots. it's what maata rani wants!

OK BLOODY ENOUGH STARING THIS SCENE HAS LITERALLY GONE ON FOR 3 MINUTES TOO LONG, AARTI BHI KARNI HAI KI NAHI?!?! WHO ARE THESE PPL WHO STAND AROUND SUSTAINING EYE CONTACT LIKE THIS MY SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ASS IS FUCKING DYINGGGG HERE FROM JUST WATCHING THIS

dude turns on the puppy eyes only when she's not looking.

waaaaaah! look who's enjoying aarti! while smize-flirting with wife.

inn meesniyon ko baaz nahi aana. this is the fucking stupidest shit i've ever seen. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A BED OF NAILS?????? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE MORE THE NUMBER OF THE NAILS PACKED CLOSELY TOGETHER, IT PROVIDES A FOUNDATION THAT ALLOWS EVEN WEIGHT DISTRIBUTION AND THUS DOESN'T HURT?????? USKE UPER CARPET BHI DAAL DIYA. SO HOW IS THIS SHIT SUPPOSED TO WORK, LIKE AT ALLLLL????

also idk wtf dushmani this family has against riddhima's poor feet ki unko hi nishaana banaate hain har time. poori ki poori body padi hui hai behen ki, kahin aur bhi vaar kiya karo, variety ke liye?!?

bhakti waala boner.

kal hi maine bola tha ki isko dandiya mat dena. angre inviting his own shaamat.

literally everyone in the family has their own different style of taking aarti.

aarti given to aryan with an extra side of stinkeye and promise to put him in jail.

voot has muted all the bloody songs and replaced it with some generic music and goddddddd. i have to go download some stream from tv now to watch the dance sequences properly. literally what is the point of voot’s existense, someone tell me. itnaaaa ghatiya streaming platform nahi dekha maine aaj tak. they should be paying us to watch shit on their trash site.

this is the most non-enthu dandiya playing i have seen in my life. he's standing there as if his shoes have been nailed to the ground. ffs, siya, who's in a wheelchair has more zeal.

his bejaan dancing reminded her of the other inanimate object that is priority as of the moment: the memory card.

aaaaaaaaaaand she hit him on the hand, and he walked off mooh phula ke that she wasn't paying attn. GOD EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

meanwhile this one also got her hands on the bucket of nails. lordddddddddddddddddddd. i just can't with these ppl anymore.

yeh lo, yeh phir aa gayi maata rani se favour maangne.

FROM 0-60 IN A SECOND THIS ONE'S BRAIN MAKES ASSUMPTIONS. DIMAAG HAI YA TESLA KA ENGINE?!?!!?

inka khatam nahi hua. itna dimaag padhaai likhaai mein lagaati aap log toh khud ki companyaan chalaate, aur vansh ke paise ki zaroorat nahi padti.

ishani literally hammered nails into her bloody dandiya to hit angre with, who tf she think she is, jeffrey dean morgan from the walking dead?!?!!?!?!?!

hein???? riddhima ko itne upar se bucket mein memory card dikh gaya??? is she a long-lost cheel sister from naagin 5???? (maine bola tha this show is a companion piece to that one!!!)

i really truly get ishani’s annoyance with this b. she’s very very very irritating.

“isse kahin safe jagaah chupaana hoga” she says, AND YET AGAIN PUTS IT SOMEWHERE TOTALLY DUMB, THAT SHE WOULDN'T REALIZE IF IT FELL TF OUT. WHYYYYYYYY IS SHE LIKE THIS?!!?!?!?!?!? JUST WHY??????????

I MEAN........... JUST GO HIDE IT WHEREVER YOU KEEP YOUR MENSTRUAL PRODUCTS????? LITERALLY NO ONE WILL TOUCH THOSE, ESP. VANSH/ARYAN. IT'S THE LAST PLACE THEY'D EVEN THINK TO LOOK. MY GOD WHY IS SHE SO INFURIATINGLY STUPID??????????

garba ke baad she wants to show vansh the footage. wonderful. should go great.

mummyji ka naatak to make riddhima take the akhand jyot. fwding.

if there's anyone who's MORE of a doe-eyed optimistic fool than riddhima in this house, it's angre.

god ishani, you're a horrible person.

ofc, isko hero banna hai. keel ko poora daboch hi liya haath mein.

great, he's like tum ziddi toh main bhi dheent. re bhagwaaaaaaaan.

pls god, let them pair siya with someone wholesome; nahi toh i'll not have a single couple to ship in this generation of raisinghanias.

lmaooooooo dandiya kam yeh toh fencing match zyaada lag raha hai.

husband was just saying sorry to apologize for bumping into her but OH HO HO HO HO PATIDEV KABHI MAAFI KYUN MAANGEEEEEEEE PARMESHWAR SE TOH GALTIYAAN NAHI HOTIIIIIIIIIIII

one ainvayi ka ~~deep~~~~~~ dialogue also, that made no fucking sense but ok whatever.

LMAO WHUT THE DANCING CAME OUTTA FUCKING NOWHERE I AM AS PUZZLED AS VANSH IS

also everyone's like baaju hato baaju hato iske khatarnaak dancing se already vansh ko lag chuki ek baar abhi humein nahi khaani

i am ishani and aryan, pissed at how this chick just be hogging the whole floor. hello, this is a communal garba space!!!?!!

also i fucking love nagada sang dhol, but solo dancing to this song just looks very very sad.

anyway, now that the cultural program part of the evening is over......... time for operation keel carpet.

this chachi is such a sample i swear to godddddddd. iske khurafaati dimaag mein full time aise nonsense ideas hi aatein hain. aunty, apply this time and effort into an mba or msw or something, and you'd be much better off in life.

for the love of god stop making this dude run unless its some legit chase sequence or something. he looks ridiculous running around in the house as if he's trying to break the world record for 400m.

Bhakti Boner round 2.

chalo, finally she's on her way to the room. in dono ke kaleje ko thandak.

once again, for those at home thinking of replicating this kaand to fuck over an annoying nanad/bhaabi/whatever: please read how a bed of nails works, so that you don't waste your time on it.

why's everyone watching her go up as if ISRO ne koi naya satellite launch kiya ho??? DO Y'ALL NOT HAVE WIFI IN THIS HOUSE??????? MATLAB, KUCH BHIIIIIIIII ENTERTAINMENT NAHI HAI KYA ISS GHAR MEIN RIDDHIMA KE ALAAVA????

issne toh mann mein jann gann mana bhi gaana shuru kar diya, outta pride.

HOW EVEN IS SHE BLEEDING FROM THE FOOT WHEN KEELON KE UPAR CARPET HAI?????????? KUCHHHHHHHHH BHI.