#friends can have a little homoerotic subtext. as a treat.

[mmmmalo]

Reached Tagora and Vikare, got hung up on gay subtext.

Tagora's route, the first in Friendsim to mention rainbow drinkers, starts off with an angry driver calling MSPAR a "lumpsquirt chugger" -- a turn of phrase emphasized when Tagora asks you to move your "chug column", ie neck. The lumps in question are likely breasts, turning "lumpsquirt chugger" into "milk drinker" and thereby insulting MSPAR for being a mammal (not unthinkable on a bug planet). But the lumps could just as easily indicate balls, turning the phrase into "cocksucker" and bringing the drive-by hostility into alignment with earthly homophobia. These would probably overlap: centaursTesticle dranks his centaur's man-milk after all, the liquid whites were never far apart... Anyway Tagora continues the general Alternian-vampire trend of draining you (of cash, in this instance), and the twin epithets for "substance sipper" might hint at a homoerotic bent to the lawyerly cash-suck that intensifies in concert with Gor-Gor's anger (especially since the story features Tagora's gay kismesis).

Vikare is such a boundless fountain of plausibly deniable innuendo I scarcely know where to start. Let's mark some choice quotations:

1 . "I'm nothing but an avatar of baloney. In truth the myriad temptations and desires of space do nothing to tickle my biscuit. [snip] My interest lies in something a little… Lower down." This is Vikare confessing his deviance, that his heart (his "pump biscuit") prefers atmospheric flight to the spaceflight mandated by his society. But what I hear is "I am a sausage receptacle. Society's normative pathways of desire fail to stimulate my ass. I am interested in... the butt."

2. The ass fixation was perhaps first announced when he marks your trek to his hive with the imperative "let's get a wiggle on!" -- though the parallel routes seeming deployment of "lumpsquirt chuggers" to conflate milk and cum makes me squint a bit when Vikare treats the word "friend" as a euphemism and cautiously probes your response to the alternate phrasing "bosom companion"

3. Speaking of probing, Vikare's hive being shaped like a UFO might act to bring us close to the specter of anal probing, especially since he eroticizes the secondary alien-abduction activity of vivisection: "I would like to trust you a little more before vivisecting myself // And displaying my bleeding organs before your penetrating gaze // Which is a metaphor for exposing my portfolio" -- Though if we were to take "bleeding organs" literally within the context of innuendo (as opposed to the rawness of the inner body in general), it'd be more indicative of vagina...? Or I guess if trolls vomit blood for reproduction, the throat is also a match... he eroticizes vivisection again when he says he not a macho type who can "whip out" his organ-harvesting tools at a moment's notice, which turns us toward a phallic paradigm, but I still have some lingering doubts about Alternia being all-male, as put forward in Slurquest.

Anyway,

4. Turning "two shakes of a lamb's tail" into "two shakes of a baby baa beast's hindquarters" again orients us toward the ass

Listening to Brodemus's Friendsim playthrough again at work and it clicked that Ardata continues the association of the 3rd Eye with mind control -- previously established by the glowing emblem on the foreheads of the psychically intertwined and Jane's mindhack tiara.

[autisticandroids]

anyway ok so lets talk about ruby SPECIFICALLY in my good s6 au. this ruby concept is almost the same as @lesbiansamwinchester‘s ruby lives au but has some key differences, mainly ruby doesn’t redeem herself in s5. lucifer raises her in sympathy for the devil because she really was the best of those sons of bitches and she deserves it but she spends all of s5 conflicted in her loyalties because while she really DOES want lucifer to win she is also In Love With Sam, Unfortunately, and gets more and more uncomfortable with sam being lucifer’s vessel and shit. and then she finally betrays lucifer in like, two minutes to midnight or swan song and he IMMEDIATELY kills her (very important: lucifer must already be possessing sam when this happens). then she’s brought back like. face down in a ditch 300 miles away. that’s how ruby ends season five.

anyway watch this video to set the mood. ruby stuff in season six:

- so at FIRST she is actually running around with a ragtag group of lucifer loyalist demons led by meg. meg kind of hates her for betraying lucifer for sam but also you know sam’s dead and ruby won’t do it again and most importantly they need EVERY pair of hands on board for this. so ruby is kissing huge amounts of ass mostly meg’s, like, meg is making her wait on her hand and foot in an apron. it’s comically villain homoerotic. you know. like ruby serves meg tea in a maid outfit for no other reason then as like. ridiculous humiliation that’s also intensely, weirdly horny. like the lucifer crowley dog stuff in s11. actually meg literally makes ruby wear a dog collar with a little tag that says like, “ruby. if found, please call 666 and return to owner (meg).” i cannot stress enough that this is just STUPID horny for NO reason. you guys know what i mean. it’s basically sorority hazing but up to eleven because demons, and also forever. also meg makes ruby kiss her hand at least once. or like no she makes her kiss her boot. i am having too much fun i’ve gotten distracted.

- ruby finds out sam is alive and immediately ditches. like she just fucks off to nowhere and they can’t figure out where she went. anyway this samruby reunion takes place like, before the first episode definitely, maybe a few months.

- i do like @lesbiansamwinchester‘s thing where ruby tries very hard to be sam’s moral compass but also imo she fucks up, very bad, and a lot. and soulless sam can’t really catch her at it so they end up doing a lot of very fucked shit actually. but she tries very hard because she cares about sam and she wants him to think well of himself y’know. and she wants to be someone who sam would think was worth following.

- re: that last point. many thoughts. head full.

- when sam and dean finally see each other again ruby is there and dean is like what the FUCK. like he did see that she betrayed lucifer for sam at the last minute but also he hates her and doesn’t trust her, and he actually kind of suspects that whatever’s wrong with sam might actually be HER fault. 

- this post is relevant.

- okay but i’ve decided that the cas/meg kiss DOES in fact happen in this au because i do kind of love it and also more importantly, with the addition of the insane meg being ruby’s shitty ex vibe that i am jamming into this au with both hands, it is just. chefkiss. ruby and dean look at each other in horror while sam is just like huh? i’m sorry but imagine being ruby and being forced to watch your horrible ex get kissed dommily by castiel. god this is funny i love this. again this is all in subtext because we are imagining cw censors and i’ve used up my one allotted gay kiss for the season by having anna make out with a random woman at an orgy to prove that all angels are degenerate pansexual hedonists, you know. (is this homophobic enough for the cw? i hope so!) also: an orgy which balthazar organized and cas refused to attend, to be clear. 

- dean is actually garbage enough about the whole ruby thing that sam and ruby fuck off by themselves for a good while like, maybe three or four episodes, leaving dean alone or sometimes with cas. during this time dean gets a little bit involved with the angel revolutionaries.

- anyway when sam gets his soul back he’s like, torn, between dean and ruby. he feels guilty for how he behaved towards and thought about dean but he would ALSO feel guilty just kicking ruby to the curb.

- HOWEVER when he gets his soulless memories back he does kick her to the curb because she has done some REALLY fucked up shit while trying to be his moral compass like she is BAD at it.

- once ruby is left all alone in the world, guess who shows up in a flutter of wings and ambiguity! it’s anna! 

- she is here to ask ruby if she wants to spy on hell for the angel revolution. ruby accepts because everyone else hates her right now. if anna wants to take her in under cas’ banner (and not tell the winchesters because they’re technically on the same side but what’s a little subterfuge between friends) ruby will take it.

- ruby and anna DO get to have some fun agent runner/agent lesbian subtext, as a treat! at least when anna isn’t busy eating food out of lisa braeden’s fridge like villanelle and other nuts things. 

- like i do wanna be clear anna just. appears in lisa braeden’s kitchen, slowly, wordlessly eats her leftovers while staring her down, and then flies away. this contributes to lisa’s impending mental breakdown. MY season six is about the madness of the suburban housewife, among many other various things.

- also i want to be clear that raphael’s side is actually like, funneling weapons to the lucifer loyalist demons to try and get them to defeat crowley but it’s all very hush hush, like, raphael would NOT want his underlings to know that he has organized this, like, they can barely stand to work with naomi. the fact that raphael had naomi organize help for DEMONS is unthinkable. anyway it’s basically celestial iran-contra.

- ruby is actually one of the last people to stick by cas even when like, anna and balthazar are betraying him, because like. whomst among us has never wanted to become god a little. and also, ruby is weak to authority figures we KNOW this she might be down to accept cas as her heavenly father a little, she’s NOT a rebel. but most importantly she sticks by him because, you know, i love sam and he’s mad at me for kinda betraying him and you [REDACTED] dean and he’s mad at you for kinda betraying him like we’re all winchester derangement syndrome patients here, and also like. i get it. sometimes they don’t know what’s good for them. sometimes in order to love you have to betray a little bit.

- ruby doesn’t turn on cas until he breaks sam’s wall. but by then it’s too late and there’s nothing she can do really.

- the parallel where it was dean who stabbed ruby in lucifer rising and it’s sam who stabs cas in the man who knew too much is actually intentional this time and WAY more aggressive. actually there are tons of cas-ruby parallels. i think meg should call ruby a whore like one episode before crowley calls cas a whore just to hammer it home. i think the thing where soulless sam runs away from dean’s judgement and is running around with ruby while dean is sulking about it but also running around with cas is super aggressively obvious. god i love that ruby’s existence makes it super obvious that cas is dean’s [REDACTED]. that’s so fun. 

- this has been an intensely hypertextual romp and it’s apparently nearly fifteen hundred words, good god. anyway, special thanks to @lesbiansamwinchester, @pietacastiel, and @seragamble, all of whom brainstormed with me

[hua-fei-hua]

@stardust-make-a-wish​ bc again wandering off but now i’m freeee but you’re probs sleeping or reading fic rn but shhh in the morning it’s fine

the nature of my bnha shipping habits is just “hey what if they were bisexual” with very few exceptions, although i think ochako and todoroki in particular were the first to get that treatment in my head

almost everything i write is on some level just crack treated seriously. orchid? literally just a crack au idea taken very very seriously. this is probably because i run most of my ideas through my bff first, and we spend at least a few minutes cracking jokes about the possible shenanigans that would happen in the au. because of that, i have a lot of room for the characters to act stupid when i actually write the thing in order to Please The Best Friend Forever (bc even though she doesn’t read bnha fic bc “most of it is trash” in her words, she still appreciates my silly story ideas). and also myself because i crave stupidity 

idk i guess i just don’t like it when stories try to take themselves too seriously. it might be a byproduct of me taking my own writing too seriously when i was very young, thereby making it very cringe-worthy looking back, so now i just have fun with myself and appreciate the laughs that come along!!

the nature of everything i write is also “how can i insert my favorite ships into the story" because everyone deserves to have fun and also know what i ship. a long time ago i used to get reviews on ff.net asking if such n such a ship would appear in the fic and i’d be like “no sorry” so now i think i try to just cram in as many cameos of my own personal shipping tastes in just because i like them

as for kamijirou, they actually do play a significant role in the dating app college au!! 

see, jirou is one of the girls’ other roommates (with the fourth one being tsuyu, but she doesn’t really play a plot role i don’t think), and she and kaminari started out as summer fling that somehow became serious. kaminari is one of todoroki’s roommates (along with kirishima and bakugou, who are obviously dating, although idk if i like the implications of that in a college setting (¬‸¬)), and every other week, either he drives down to jirou’s college (and by extension, momo, uraraka, and tsuyu’s college) for a date, or jirou drives down to his college for a date

what this means is that once tdmm starts settling into this “oh hey this is kind of starting to mean smth,” todoroki gets to road trip with kaminari to get away from the krbk pda meet momo irl for the first time while uraraka gets to road trip down to tsuyu’s hometown (to leave the apartment free or smth), which happens to be the same college town deku’s in, so they get to meet irl too while tsuyu’s doing family business or smth

momo has still not realized that todoroki and ochako are friends, although she did send a picture of ochako doing the tinder thing to todoroki early on when she was like “yeah, my roommate recently joined the app too it seems” but todoroki doesn’t tell her “oh crap that’s my friend who set me up with you.” she figures it out when she meets him for the first time, bc she recognizes his voice from todochako late night minecraft discord calls, and at first she’s probably at least a little mad that all this was set up as a prank on her, but then they start bonding over being stem majors and it all works out

and then since deku finds out ochako’s in town, he invites her to have dinner with him in his little apartment he shares with iida, aoyama, and possibly sero (just bc i think it would be funny that each apartment almost has just bakusquad or just dekusquad but then nope a switcheroo), and iida is just like *slides them a bag of peas* “i am begging you to eat some vegetables” and they’re like *slides the bag of peas back* “NAH fam.” aoyama walks by and sniffs at the dinner in french. sero’s out for the night, probably hanging out with kirishima and bakugou

anyway, then everyone road trips to the halfway point between the colleges, and todochako does this cool secret handshake when they meet again (which was all uraraka’s idea in high school, obviously) in the middle of a diner, and tdmm pays for the whole meal bc rich kids, and everything all works out in the end c:

who would like to hear about a silly crack au i thought of when i was in the shower

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

I find it really intriguing how the ATLA writers could have gone a “brotherly love” route with Zuko and Aang, but they never did. Even in LOK, the only thing that I remember Iroh saying about their relationship was that they canonically became the best of friends and that Zuko knew Aang better than anyone, even more than Katara and their children. I find the direction of their relationship a contrast to how often the bond between the male protagonist and the male antagonist that are spiritually linked in other media is reduced to “they were like brothers” and put aside for the respective heterosexual romances of the leads, even though the relationships between the leads often have homoerotic subtext and can be interpreted through a queer lens. I guess what I’m wondering is: would you classify Zuko and Aang’s relationship as brotherly? Do you support interpretations where their relationship is viewed as brotherly? And finally (I’m sorry for all of the questions): why do you think the ATLA writers - who seem to mostly be composed of cishet men - never took the “brotherly love” route and left the nature of their relationship ambiguous?

This ask has been in my inbox for a Hot Minute 💀 my apologies, my friend. And since I haven’t seen LOK, I won’t try to speak on the front. Before I continue, though, @likealittleheartbeat has an AMAZING analysis here about the interpretation of Aang and Zuko’s relationship through a queer-platonic lens that I found to be an incredible read and arguably could answer this ask on its own, lol!

I guess the general “issue” that must be addressed to answer these questions is simply how we define brotherly. That “we” can be divided into the viewers and the writers, only adding another layer of complexity. Because the reality is that we can’t jump into the creators minds and see exactly how they intended Zuko and Aang’s relationship to be interpreted. We can make deductions, e.g. the existence of Kataang and Maiko suggests Zuko and Aang were not intended to have a romantic relationship within canon (duh, lol). In fact, you could even add another division to the “we” - the writers, the viewers, and the characters themselves (i.e. interpretation through the cultural lenses that inspired the show).

All of this is to say that there is not going to be one agreed-upon definition of “brotherly,” lol! Since you seem to be asking for my personal opinions, I’ll go with my personal definition. If anyone has differing thoughts in response to these questions, please feel free to add them in a comment or rb! I think there’s a lot to explore here and my sole opinion is Not the be-all and end-all, lmao.

So, what is my personal definition of “brotherly”? I’m not going to try to make a formal definition, lol, but the gist of my interpretation is a platonic relationship akin to that of siblings. To me, there is a difference between having a “brotherly relationship” with someone versus a “friendship” (I almost used “friendly relationship” but that didn’t feel right jskdfhakdls). I think these two can overlap and/or be the same, but - for example - I have friends who I would say without hesitation that I am incredibly close with, but I also would not classify that friendship as “sisterly.” (Again, these are strictly my personal thoughts, and I encourage further discussion in comments/rbs!)

I’ll take your questions one at a time:

Would you classify Zuko and Aang’s relationship as brotherly?

Personally? Probably not. To me, there is a sense of superficiality associated with the term “brotherly” that in my eyes can be reductive to platonic relationships between men (can be, not always lol). I think with Zuko and Aang, the relationship just runs much deeper than “brotherly” can connote. For one, they are the primary narrative foils of the show! The only relationship that comes close to theirs in terms of narrative significance is Kataang (which is a very different dichotomy, btw, I’m not trying to compare them lol). We have numerous episodes dedicated to the parallels between Aang and Zuko, including but not limited to “The Storm” and “The Avatar and the Fire Lord.” I mean, this is an actual quote from the latter episode:

Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?

We see variants of this line and the notion of friendship itself associated throughout that episode explicitly with Roku and Sozin, Roku and Gyatso, and of course the Gaang at the end, but implicitly we also know it’s about Aang and Zuko, too. Aang says, “Everyone, even the Fire Lord and the Fire Nation, have to be treated like they’re worth giving a chance.” One common take with this line that I’ve seen is interpreting it as foreshadowing for Aang’s decision to spare Ozai - which obviously is a fair assessment - but we cannot also ignore how much it applies to Zuko joining the Gaang. Specifically, Zuko reconciling with Aang.

We all know Aang was the first person to extend friendship to Zuko back in “The Blue Spirit” and tbh, after he saw Appa licking Zuko, you can tell Aang was nearly willing to extend a second chance to Zuko then and there lol. Aang and Zuko’s friendship, them being drawn together, is a relationship that transcends lifetimes, transcends social norms/expectations, transcends a loss greater than anyone can imagine (for Aang) and offers a new opportunity arguably far more than deserved (for Zuko). I think ascribing a qualifier of “brotherly” to their relationship therefore limits this transcendence because of how much their dynamic encompasses.

Do you support interpretations where their relationship is viewed as brotherly?

Of course! One of the reasons I love A:TLA - especially my small corner of the fandom - is how many interpretations that every relationship presents, be it a small “difference” (such as calling Zuko and Aang’s relationship “brotherly”) or a more drastic one (exploring fanon possibilities with rarepairs, let’s go #AangRarepairWeek 😎). So even if this interpretation isn’t one I’m inclined to in the literal sense (i.e. it’s the “brotherly” qualifier I feel I dislike, because I do love platonic Zukaang as much as romantic Zukaang), I absolutely encourage others to make the most of their fandom experience and product/support content that they enjoy!

Why do you think the ATLA writers - who seem to mostly be composed of cishet men - never took the “brotherly love” route and left the nature of their relationship ambiguous?

I will say that we don’t really have any way of knowing the sexualities and gender identities of every single A:TLA writer, lol. I’m not saying they were all queer in some way, of course, but I just want to establish that we don’t and can’t know unless told. If that makes sense 😂

As I mentioned earlier, I have no way of getting inside the writers’ minds to determine their intentions when they were writing Zuko and Aang’s relationship, so all you’re gonna get here are my best guesses lmao! For one, there wasn’t really a need to outright label Zuko and Aang as having a “brotherly” relationship. The existence of Kataang and Maiko again speak for themselves. Most viewers - especially casual watchers - don’t need the show to state “these two only love each other in a brotherly way” to conclude that the relationship was platonic (or rather, was not romantic), especially considering that the show was made in the mid-2000s (i.e. sad but true, most people weren’t watching A:TLA with a queer lens 😔). So I wouldn’t say they left the relationship “ambiguous” so much as there wasn’t need to qualify it further than simply being platonic.

Of course, I do think there is an ambiguity that comes with Aang and Zuko’s relationship, which I love to exploit in my Zukaang fics 😌. Was that ambiguity intentional? Again, I’m inclined to say no. But I can’t speak with certainty and - as I discussed earlier - I truly think Aang and Zuko’s relationship would be limited by being called “brotherly” when their connection runs so deeply and is intertwined so heavily with the spiritual themes of the show. Thus, it’s possible the writers were purposefully emphasizing that spirituality by not labelling them as “brotherly”! But as I said, there’s really no way to be sure.

At the end of the day, I don’t think it matters how someone chooses to label Aang and Zuko’s relationship. I mean, I’m always a little horrified when a person completely overlooks their narrative significance as foils (because I personally can’t imagine dismissing either of their importance to the other), but hey, to each their own. Brotherly, queerplatonic, romantic, and hell, anything in-between - these interpretations are anyone’s for the taking. Have fun with it! 💛

(I hope this at least kind of resembles the answer you were looking for, anon 😂)

[bloody-wonder]

“i wanna write about neil putting andrews hand under his shirt” here’s your excuse!!

thanks for playing along *wink wink*

so this scene which needs no introduction somehow manages to be overappreciated in the fandom while simultaneously being underappreciated. here’s what i mean. (tw cause i talk about the drake incident)

so there’s context and subtext to this scene. the context is that neil needs andrew to agree to get committed and leave kevin behind so neil must convince him that he would be a satisfactory replacement as kevin’s “bodyguard” - if riko comes for kevin, neil will not budge. so neil decides to show andrew his “credentials” - the scars which prove that so much damage has already been done to him that riko can’t really scare him anymore. however neil can’t just take the shirt off in a room full of people bcs he wants to show the scars to no one but andrew so his next best decision is to take andrew’s hand and put it under his shirt so that he can feel them. for neil, at least consciously, it’s just a perfectly logical persuasion strategy.

that’s the context which in the fandom is readily pushed aside in favor of the homoerotic subtext: “omg andrew touched neil’s naked skin *fans oneself energetically* that’s sooooo gay”. the shitposts about what wymack must have thought at seeing this are an entire subgenre by this point. like, i’m not saying it’s not gay or criticizing anyone for pointing out homoerotic subtext so enthusiastically, but still it’s very interesting to me why people prefer to look at this scene from wymack’s pov - who had no context of what exactly was happening bcs he didn’t know a lot about andrew’s deals and bcs the boys were talking in german. people prefer to strip this scene of its context to the point where neil and andrew are just any two boys touching each other in a mildly erotic way.

now one of the reasons i love aftg so much is that everything in it is very specific to its context and its characters (which is btw probably the reason why we can’t explain or describe aftg to our friends - it’s hard to describe unless you recount everything that happens in it or it would make no sense). so what i propose instead is returning this scene into its context but going deeper - not just looking at it in terms of a given dialogue like neil does but in terms of the tragic sequence of events that lead to andrew having to be committed. 

so.

andrew has just been violently raped, again, by the same abuser he took so much pains to get away from. his deepest darkest secret, which even his closest circle and his therapist didn’t know, has just been disclosed in the worst way possible. now they all know. now in their eyes he has graduated from the resident “sociopath” to the victim of the nastiest kind of abuse. he has been put in the worst kind of spolight. now they all know - his family, his team, neil. what will be their reaction? will their treatment of him change? will they pity him? ugh. 

andrew is in great physical pain and the happy pills won’t let his spiralling mind process what just happened properly. but the underlying feeling, i imagine, is of being found out, singled out, branded as different, alone. kevin and aaron are in a state of shock, nicky is crying and trying to hug him, and wymack is little help.

enter neil. we’re privy to his inner monologue so we know that neil was as shocked as the rest of them and felt nauseous bcs of the horror and pressure of the situation, but he showed nothing of it outwardly. he even found the time and cheek to confront andrew about something while everyone else was treating him like a ticking bomb or fatally ill. neil, who has already sufficiently demonstrated that his treatment of andrew won’t change one bit, then wants to take kevin off his shoulders so that andrew is able to go away to take care of himself, and in order to persuade him he wants to show him his scars - but only to him - so he puts andrew’s hand under his shirt. andrew knew that neil has scars but he didn’t know the extent. “these ouches feel a little rough for a child on the run”, he says. these scars, their number and graveness, show that neil wasn’t just a part of a gangster family or whatever he says but that serious abuse has been inflicted on him personally. that in that regard he has probably been through similar shit as andrew. that he can understand him perfectly. that andrew is not alone. 

so when neil puts andrew’s hand on his scars he says not only “i’m competent enough to look after kevin in your absence”, but also “your secret has just been violently disclosed but i have a similar secret and i will tell it to you - this is a snippet. you’re not alone”. this is what he actually says in the text:

The story I gave you was mostly true. I might have left out some critical details, but I know you're not really surprised by that. If we survive this year and you're still interested, you can ask me for them later. I think it's your turn in our secrets game, anyway.

and andrew agreed to neil’s offer - probably not bcs he deemed him “competent” but bcs he felt the major shift in trust between them. 

i think its one of the key andreil moments and it certainly is brought up a lot but mainly bcs “it’s gay”, apparently. idk maybe i’m just too aroace or something but it makes me sad that this powerful scene gets diminished to just another homoerotic moment. when i was reading the books for the first time, the homoeroticism of this scene didn’t even occur to me bcs i was still very much in the post-drake not at all amorous mindset as i imagine were neil and andrew. so if you ask me, “the gayness” of this scene is overhyped, but its meaning is definitely underappreciated.

tl;dr neil didn’t put andrew’s hand under his shirt - he put it on his scars

[shortnotsweet]

The Allegory of the Tin Man, the Dictator, and the Knight: a Dissection of Ironqrow and a Character Arc of Failure

“There lived in the Land of Oz two queerly made men who were best of friends. They were so much happier when together that they were seldom apart.”

— L. Frank Baum

A brief Ironqrow meta and character analysis of James Ironwood, the ultimate screw up, in three parts.

I. Qrow and Ironwood’s Homoeroticism in Canon Source Material and its Translation

II. Ironwood’s Repressed Characterization and the Inherent Chivalry of the Dictatorship

III. Ironwood, Alone

Qrow and Ironwood’s Homoeroticism in Canon Source Material and its Translation

Within the Oz series, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow are layered within homoerotic subtext, even if it is included unintentionally. Tison Pugh’s analysis Queer Utopianism and Antisocial Eroticism in L. Frank Baum's Oz Series posits that the land of Oz as portrayed within the series is a largely asexual environment of suspended adolescence that involves the deviation of binary gender norms, and of performative heterosexuality. Pugh refers to it later as a “queer utopia”. Men are portrayed as a lesser military force to women, and heterosexuality is a flimsy presence at best; all signs of procreation within Oz are stifled. While this could be chalked down to Baum not wanting to get into the subject of sex and exploration in a children’s series, it does contribute to a particular tone with real-life critiques of capitalism and a particular deconstruction of gender norms. Ozma, who will become the ruler of Oz after the Wizard and the Scarecrow respectively, for example, is originally a boy named Tip (the name itself holds phallic implications) who is “transformed” into a girl. The strongest military force is one of all-women led by a rebellious female general. Pugh observes, “At the same time that Baum satirizes...women as leaders…he consistently depicts women as more successful soldiers than men, and female troops appear better capable of serving militarily than male troops…[the] male army comprises of twenty-six officers and one private, and they are all cowards…” and cites the Frogman’s declaration that “Girls are the fiercest soldiers of all...they are more brave than men, and they have better nerves”.

RWBY itself isn’t opposed to this kind of subversion, either in its characters or its relationships. There’s an obvious effort to include LGBTQ+ representation (albeit primarily in the background), strong female characters are prevalent and make up most of the main and supporting cast, a character’s gender is not strictly reliant on its source material, and BlackSun, while cute and a valid ship in its own right, is treated as a heterosexual red herring to Bumbleby. Additionally, there have been a lot of hints by the voice actors, writers, and creators on social media that Qrow himself is queer, the infamous Ironqrow embrace included.

Admittedly, if I wanted to write an essay about the likelihood of Qrow being LGBTQ+ or having some kind of queer identity, I would probably focus more on his relationship with Clover, which had a lot more overt and probably canonically intentional Gay Vibes, and despite having known Qrow nowhere near as long as Ironwood has, it has just as much, if not more, to extrapolate. Unfortunately, that’s not the main point of this essay, although it remains relevant. While I personally don’t doubt that Qrow has had sex with women or experiences valid sexual attraction to them, I get the feeling that it is, to a degree, a performative act and a masculine assertation of enjoyment intended as a coping mechanism. It plays into the trope of the handsome, tortured alcoholic (best exemplified, perhaps, in the MCU’s Tony Stark, Dean Winchester in Supernatural, and critiqued in the superhero episode of Rick and Morty) who sleeps around just to recall the feeling of intimacy, or because he associates sexual ‘degradation’ as a reflection of his worth. Real self-deprecating, slightly misogynistic stuff. Qrow’s recall of short skirts, as well as his brief exchange with the waitress in an earlier volume, reminds me of one specific interaction between the Scarecrow and his own love interest. Within the series, the Qrow’s source-material counterpart, the Scarecrow, has one canonical love interest, the Patchwork Girl:

“Forgive me for staring so rudely,” said the Scarecrow, “but you are the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever beheld.”

“That is a high compliment from one who is himself so beautiful,” murmured Scraps, casting down her suspender-button eyes by lowering her head.

Pugh points out that the two of them never develop this relationship further than flirtation, and heterosexuality is reduced to a “spectral presence” lacking the “erotic energy [driving] these queer narratives in their presence”. Specifically, Qrow never reveals a serious or long running heterosexual love interest - he is not the father! [of Ruby] (despite much speculation that he and Summer Rose were involved) and he and Winter never really moved past the stage of ‘hostility with just a hint of sexual tension’ - and there is no debunking of potential queerness. His interactions with Clover (deserving of an entire essay on its own) seem to support this interpretation, and is more or less a confirmation of some kind of queer inclination or identity. Again, the “queer utopia” of Oz comes at the cost of the expulsion of the sexual or the mere mention of reproduction - still, through this device, same-sex relationships gain a new kind of significance with the diminishing nature of heterosexuality. Speaking of queer narratives, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man have the most tender and prolonged relationship of perhaps all the characters in the series, exchanging a lifelong commitment:

“I shall return with my friend the Tin Woodman,” said the stuffed one seriously. “We have decided never to be parted in the future.”

Within the source material, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow voluntarily live together, and are life partners in nearly every sense of the word. The second book in the Oz series is The Tin Woodman of Oz. In summary, the Tin Woodman recalls that he had a fiancée before the events of the first book, forgot all about her, and now must search her out so that they can get married. Who does he ask to accompany him in this pursuit? None other than his no-homo life partner, the Scarecrow. Although this sounds like a stereotypical heteronormative storyline, “this utopian wonderland...rejects heterosexual procreation...First, the Tin Woodman does not desire...Nimmie Amee...” and even acknowledges that due to the ‘nature’ of the heart that the Wizard had given him, he is literally incapable of romantically or passionately loving or desiring Nimmie, and by extent, women in general - to me, that works perfectly as an allegory for a gay man who is literally incapable of experiencing legitimate heterosexual urges, but ‘soldiers on’ out of obligation and societally enforced chivalry. “The Tin Woodman excuses himself from the heteronormative imperative...Only his sense of masculine honor, rather than a heteronomratively masculine sex drive, impels the Tin Woodman on his quest to marry his long-lost fiancée.” Again, Ironwood’s character follows the lines of propriety within the sphere of the wealthy elite, and his persona as a high-ranking military man and politician, as well as the conservative values instilled within Atlas, prioritize duty and obligation. This kind of culture is stifling and in a lot of ways aloof, as the upper class deludes itself into believing that it is objectively better and more advanced than its neighboring territories. *ahem the myth of American exceptionalism ahem*

“There lived in the Land of Oz two queerly made men who were best of friends. They were so much happier when together that they were seldom apart.”

I think it’s funny that the characters that Ironwood and Qrow are based off of are canonically the closest of friends, who coexist almost as a unit. In contrast, the first introduction we get of Ironwood and Qrow is a hostile exchange where they’re at each other’s throats, never on the same page, and never in sync, not when it matters. Indeed, Qrow snaps at Ironwood for his lack of communication, which is a recurring issue between the two of them on notable occasions. If the source material is anything to go by, there should be a significant relationship between the two of them, or at least some kind of connection, even if it goes unspoken or unacknowledged. To be fair, in RWBY’s canon, I think there is.

I’ve seen this joke that while Qrow hates the Atlas military, the only people he really seems to flirt with is Atlas military personnel. “Ice Queen” is something I interpreted to be partially hostile, partially mocking, and partially flirtatious, in equal spades - the voice actors and creators have indicated that it was flirtatious, and there was a whole Chibi episode dedicated to the concept of Qrow and Winter’s extrapolated sexual tension, albeit in jest. I might argue that his use of abbreviates aren’t reserved for people he dislikes, but for people who bring out his playful side. “Brat”, “Pipsqueak”, “Firecracker”, and “Kiddos” are all drawn from a place of affection, however short or mocking it may seem, because that’s what crows do: they mock others.

Qrow has little nicknames for people; while it’s not exclusively a sign of affection, I do get the feeling that ‘Jimmy’ is an informality that irks Ironwood, but can also be interpreted as Qrow giving James what he needs, rather than what he wants.

Glynda is by no means a pushover, but in assuring him that while he does questionable things, he’s still a good person, she’s softening the blow and probably further enabling deeply rooted and pre-existing traits, many of which contribute to his problematic control complex. It is established early on that Qrow resents the military (as he should), and it is implied that he’s spent a fair amount of encounters harassing and provoking military personnel (Winter being the most evident example of this), and has insulted the military numerous times to Ironwood’s face. He lectures Ironwood about the way he conducts his operations, his inability to communicate, and basically what a complete, inconsiderate asshole he really is.

What Ironwood needs is someone who operates outside of the pretense that he works, breathes, and lives under, and just tells it like it is. Jimmy isn’t all that - he’s a person, just like the rest of us, and he can flaunt all the titles that he wants, but James stripped down is still just Jimmy.

Qrow also is the kind of person who pries, who is insistent, and not particularly sensitive. For someone like Ironwood who has a lot of (physical and emotional) barriers, logically, in order for him to receive genuine understanding, Qrow fits the profile of someone who is invasive but not exploitive, who sees past the cracks in his armor and takes him for what he is. What is just important is that whoever Ironwood is with is someone who makes him want to try not only to be better, but to be real; thematically, General Ironwood seems to have a great respect for but a deep struggle with authenticity. He clearly resents the ignorance and frivolity of Atlas’s wealthy elite, as evidenced by his support for Weiss at the dinner party in announcing that “she’s one of the only people making any sense around here”, while struggling to project the facade that he’s carefully created.

See, we don’t have evidence that there is something going on between Ironqood and Qrow so much as we have enough evidence to inconclusively say that there’s not not something going on. I think there’s enough evidence to support the idea that something could be going on, or was going on.

When Qrow saves Ironwood at the Battle of Beacon, who is under the false impression that Qrow believes him to be the culprit of the attacks, his eyes follow Qrow and we get a closer shot of his awed expression; we the viewer can only imagine what he sees as Qrow arcs through the air and slices down a Grimm from behind his back. The focus on Ironwood’s expression portrays something like shock (so Qrow wasn’t trying to attack me after all, but then what the hell is he doing?), maybe wonder (I can’t take my eyes off of him, I can’t look away), maybe respect (I know he’s a good Hunter, but I’ve rarely seen him in action), but it is unfiltered nonetheless. In a show where fight scenes are vital to the progression of the story itself, the dynamics of these fights are at their best when they are character driven, whether it is revealing or reinforcing something about the characters and their relationships, or it is deciding their fates. There’s something to be said about characters being given moments together in battles, and what that says about the significance of their relationship. The best example of this might be the battle between Blake and Yang vs Adam; it served to give Adam what he deserved, help Blake and Yang reach closure in certain aspects of their own trauma, and solidify the bond between the girls. Similarly, Qrow and Ironwood’s moment is meant to reveal a theme that will later be revisited in volume 7; trust. Ironwood is startled but not shocked when he believes that Qrow distrusts him to the degree of attacking him, and is ready to attack or defend as needed.

Qrow tells him what he needs to hear, more or less: YOU’RE A DUMBASS. Ironwood is, indeed, a dumbass. While he does extend the olive branch of trust and good will to CRWBY and co. this trust is highly conditional and proves to be, while from a place of desperation and sincerity, at least partially performative.

When Ironwood snaps, he snaps hard.

Amber’s voice actress tweeted early on, joking that Qrow has two Atlas boyfriends, and Arryn has made comments, too. It’s one of the older ships, and the crew is certainly aware of it (“...extended chest bump...”).

Kerry has stated that he finds the Ironqrow relationship interesting, and wishes it had been explored more (additionally, allegedly lobbying that Ironwood’s arm in the Ironqrow hug scene be slightly lower). I’m not saying that they’re going to both make it out alive, or canon, or even that romantic subtext was intentionally woven into the script. All I’m saying is that I think their relationship is interesting too, especially when the subtext of their source material relationship is taken into context, and the way their characters are positioned is suggestive of some sort of compatibility, even if it is a hit or miss kind of opportunity, and I have the sinking suspicion that it was missed on both accounts.

The Tin Woodman of Oz concludes,

“All this having been happily arranged, the Tin Woodman returned to his tin castle, and his chosen comrade, the Scarecrow, accompanied him on the way. The two friends were sure to pass many pleasant hours together in talking over their recent adventures, for as they neither ate nor slept they found their greatest amusement in conversation.”

Ironwood’s Repressed Characterization and the Inherent Chivalry of the Dictatorship

“I don’t give a damn about Jacque Schnee...what about the other two? Do not return to this office until you have Qrow Branwen in custody.”

“And that’s not all we’ve lost...I had Qrow in my hands, and I didn’t do what needed to be done.”

Observe: Ironwood, at this point, does not care about politics. I doubt he’s ever wanted to, or ever liked it (if his tired outburst at the dinner party is any indication) but his Knightly qualities (we’ll get to that) have, up till this point, prompted him to adhere to them for both power and etiquette. James surrounds himself in a world that he understands and despises; more than anything, he’d like to be a general, a commander, and the Knight in Shining Armor archetype, because warfare is something he understands. It is a testament to his (superhuman) willpower that he forces himself to become fluent in the language of politics, and to live and breathe in it. To clarify, Ironwood sees himself as a man who does what needs to be done; if he wants to change and control Atlas, he will have to involve himself in its politics.

Likely, his resilience has contributed to the way he views himself and what he deserves, as someone long-suffering and almost martyr-like, a silent hero doing what needs to be done. But at the moment, he’s lost his goddamn mind coming undone. He’s murdered and jailed his political dissent (and might have considered executing prisoners), but at this point, that’s all that Jacque and Robyn are to him. First he dismisses Jacque, narrows it down to the two escaped prisoners, and finally reveals what’s really on the forefront of his mind: Qrow, free and out of his hands.

[ When recalling this dialogue, please do so while imagining a bad recorder cover of the Titanic music playing over the background. Here is a sample. ]

In the most recent episode, Ironwood seems to have gone off the rails even further. The fact that Winter, his most faithful lieutenant, is losing her unshakable faith in him, says a lot about how hard he’s fallen off the deep end. In Winter’s mind, I think that she sees him almost as a surrogate father figure, or at least a patriarch who can be positively compared to Jacques in every way. The previous volumes go to lengths to compare the two as adversaries and showing James in a favorable light; Winter is in her own personal horror right now, because she is beginning to understand that Ironwood is a man who may not be her father but is just as susceptible to corruption, and may have been that kind of person all along. Skipping over the...ah, genocidal tendencies, and the fact that he’s proposing to kidnap Penny’s friends to force her to obey him and likely is starting to realize that Winter is the perfect bait (let’s just say that “Ironwood is not good with kids” is the understatement of the year) Ironwood wants Qrow back (in captivity), I think that it’s significant that while Ironwood registers that Robyn is gone as well, his first priority is Qrow, probably for two reasons. On one hand, he still refers to Qrow by his first name, instead of the formal Branwen. Of course, that doesn’t have to mean anything at all. They’re colleagues within the same age range, both members of the same secret brotherhood and similiar skill sets.

On the other hand, it reminds me of the moment when Qrow and the kids first fly into Atlas, and they see the heightened security, and Qrow mutters, “James...what have you been doing,” under his breath, sounding concerned, apprehensive. He’s not addressing the kids, he’s talking to himself; he regards James much more seriously both as a potential threat and a friend than he’d rather the other know, and I think that James’ focus on Qrow at this point is similiar, only not only is this a sign of them knowing each other well, but of Ironwood’s slipping control. He offered Qrow his trust and camaraderie, his last attempt to keep a handle on his humanity (or, his heart). Qrow, in return, withheld vital information, got close with another operative instead, then allegedly killed him and and escaped ‘rightful’ imprisonment.

The Tin Man is offering Qrow his heart, at least proof of it, and the Scarecrow [and co.] steps back to observe the situation, and assesses that no, what you are going to do is wrong, and I cannot agree with it.

Ironwood is not an objective person, as much as he wants to be. He’s angry, desperate, scared, and humiliated. Worst of all, he’s rebuffed, and he’s taking Qrow’s escape personally. First, he understands that Qrow is a threat. He’s Ozpin’s best agent, he has years of field experience, and he knows too much, probably more than James knows. Second, they have history.

My personal interpretation of Ironwood is something this:

He’s a sad, sad, lonely bitch. What Ironwood longs for, just like his source material counterpart, is a heart. He will go to any lengths to achieve this, because he believes that he has self awareness and therefore is able to check and balance himself. He treats his subordinates well, is diplomatic, skilled in a variety of trades, fighting the good fight, and longs for the affirmation that yes, he is a good person, and yes, he’s had a heart all along. He just strays from the path, and loses his way.

This is symbolically represented by his partially mechanic exoskeleton; we have no idea how far the cyborg extremities extend, or how deep, but we do get the visual notion of humanity in conflict, or a man’s soul deconstructed and split between the cold efficiency of machinery and the very real warmth of a human body. Ironwood wants to appear human, and benevolent, and genuine, and in return, loved; he is human, and he could be all of these things. If my reliance on the source material holds any merit (although I highly doubt it), then there is also a potential struggle with sexuality, (Glynda herself even explicitly and exasperatedly references a testosterone battle between Ironwood and Qrow, suggesting a regular overassertation of masculinity) and a further incentive to achieve love and subsequent acceptance.

To clarify, I do believe that there were less-than-subtle allusions to Ironwood and Glynda having a vaguely flirtatious history, taking their shared scenes and background dancing into account, but this, again, does not “debunk” the presence of queerness within a narrative; it could be an assumption of heterosexuality, or performative itself, or just not an exclusive interest. Besides, Ironwitch isn’t what this essay is about. I’m not trying to persuade or dissuade someone of the notion that Jimmy is gay, or straight, or something else, only that the potential ambiguity exists. What I do think is most important is that James doesn’t openly ward people away, not when those people aren’t under his command and are technically outside of his jurisdiction. He’s friendly with Glynda, tries to extend trust to Qrow, is kind to people in the aftermath of battle, and overall clings to diplomacy as his first weapon. He wants to be accepted, to be liked, and to be welcomed. This is not an outrageous want, nor is it uncommon. Unfortunately, Ironwood’s understanding of love and acceptance is entangled within the concept of control, and he associates unquestioned compliance with this Want.

Ironwood’s introduction into the series shows him being openly cordial, and very considerate, especially his interactions with Glynda and Ozpin. He’s a gentleman, he’s apologetic, and, as Glynda assures him, he’s a “good man”. She doesn’t really elaborate on what a “good man” is, exactly, but we might presume that a “good man” is a person with good intentions, who strives to do what’s right, regardless of his options.

Here’s the thing - one similarity between Ironwood and the Tin Man is that they both have the capacity to love, but they fool themselves into thinking that they don’t; before the Wizard gives him a ‘heart’, the Tin Man suggests that he is only kind and considerate to everyone in Oz because he believes he needs to overcompensate for what he lacks, and is therefore doubly aware of how he treats others. However, the Wizard knows no real magic, only tricks and illusions, and what he gives the Tin Man is essentially a placebo that enables the Tin Man to act towards and feel about others the exact same as he always had, only with the validation that what he feels is authentic. Similarly, Ironwood has always had the option to be empathetic and not fucking crazy open to collaboration, which he’s very aware of, until his own paranoia cuts into his rationality and compels him to cut himself off from all allies and alternative perspectives. He then uses his difficult position and responsibilities to justify unjustifiable actions, to rationalize irrational urges, and to gaslight and brainwash his subordinates into compliance.

The Tin Woodman knew very well he had no heart, and therefore he took great care never to be cruel or unkind to anything.

“You people with hearts,” he said, “have something to guide you, and need never do wrong; but I have no heart, and so I must be very careful. When Oz gives me a heart of course I needn’t mind so much.”

Qrow sees through this, however, and not only seems incapable of following orders himself, but disrupts the decorum that Ironwood is used to. In return, I think we see a little more of James that he’d like to reveal.

“If you were one of my men, I’d have you shot!”

“If I was one of your men, I’d shoot myself!”

In case this entire ass essay doesn’t make it obvious, I do really ship Ironqrow. I’m open to other pairings, definitely, but this one in particular is just more interesting to me. It feels more revealing, more subtle. I have more questions.

In hindsight, maybe the dialogue example above ^ didn’t age well, considering where they’re at, but I do like how their professional animosity is flavored with a kind of camaraderie, and understanding. This exchange isn’t exactly playful, but they’re taking each other seriously - and, like repressed schoolboys, taking the piss at each other in a childish way, and isn’t that part of the fun of banter, when they’re so focused on each other that they forget to act their age? In a lot of ways, this is a really fun dynamic to watch. They’re opposite-kind-of-people, which I like, at least on a superficial level, and I can easily imagine them tempering each other in ways that would make them ultimately happier people.

They even look well-coordinated, with similar color schemes that lean on the opposite sides of the shared spectrum (white, grays, reds and black); I think the decorative design on Qrow’s new sleeves are supposed to be more ornate simply to communicate that Qrow is committed, and willing to be sentimental, but some viewers have suggested that it resembles the pattern on James’ weapon, Due Process (the revolver is based off of the Tin Man’s pistol, although, curiously, in The Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow was the only character to carry a pistol, and the commentaries suggest that the 2007 Tin Man miniseries was the “basis of the allusion”. Does that mean anything? I don’t know. Probably not.). Still, it raises the questions: who was in charge of designing the team’s new clothes and gear? How much input did Atlas get, and was this intentional? Personally, I think that the vine-like pattern on Qrow’s sleeves also bear a resemblance to Ozpin’s staff, a subtle reaffirmation and foreshadowing of his allegiance in contrast to Ironwood, but I digress.

They can also deliver that UST kind of banter that takes up their attention, and get up really close to each other, in each other’s faces, and just be pissed, which I think is very sexy of them, mhm. Enemies to Colleagues to Reluctant Friends to Lovers is a trope that I very much appreciate. Gaining some sort of common ground at the Battle of Beacon only to reunite, tired and battered, after the shit has already hit the fan? Slow burn kinda vibes.

That hug between them was something genuinely vulnerable and a sign of Ironwood letting his guard down because he is tired as fuck. It also was uh...kinda fruity.

Ironwood approaches closer, and Qrow scratches the back of his head, a characteristically nervous gesture that he’s made before; it’s a nervous twitch, manufactured nonchalance. He has no idea what Ironwood wants, but he does know that Ironwood wants something. James is the one to initiate the hug, and Qrow startles and even freezes up before relaxing into it. He seems suprised, but gives the bisexual eye roll of grudging fondness. This is out of character for James - Jimmy - but Qrow doesn’t think that Ironwood is a bad person. He leans into the hug, and the camera cuts out before they separate, suggesting that they probably end up standing there for a long ass time. You can also see from the side shots that it’s a close hug; their torsos are pressed up against each other, front to front, and there’s not a lot of wiggle room. James must be really goddamn depressed. It’s a long, manly, intensley heterosexual hug. Like I said, kinda fruity.

Other people have analyzed the hug shot for shot, so I won’t get too into it, but I think that it was intentionally left as a double red herring; some people thought that maybe he bugged Qrow, and after finding out that he didn’t, we were forced to conclude that this is a genuine olive branch. To find out that Ironwood is sincere but was still susceptible to corruption is that second subversion that I didn’t really expect. I hadn’t prepared myself for it, at least, and neither did Qrow. I wouldn’t go as far to say that Ironwood’s descent into fucking craziness paranoia is triggered by Qrow not ‘reciprocating’ or something, but I do think it’s interesting how the volume opens up with a signifigant interaction between Ironwood and Qrow, only for Qrow to spend the rest of the volume homosexually bonding with Clover, while Ironwood basically has no one as emotional support (again, his subordinates do not have the power or the place to be viewed as equals and the veil of formality is one of isolation). Qrow initiates nothing further, and nothing further happens.

Ironwood’s downfall, in a thematic sense, is that what he Needs is a heart, and when he gets that chance to demonstrate tolerance and empathy, James ultimately rejects his Need (a heart) and his arc reverts into one of villainy. To be specific, Ironwood is essentially a fascist dick, and that is not very sexy. (Speaking of dicks, the thought of Ironwood’s dick makes me laugh. I bet in the RWBY universe, people have made memes about that. I do not accept criticism because I am correct. Anyway,).

Dictators are charming, charismatic, and one of the pillars of their method is absorbing potential political opponents into their own administration to reduce the threat of rebellion, to appear openly tolerant to their supporters, and to further consolidate power. A good example of this would be Mean Girls, which runs on a comedic commentary of dictatorships as a political structure of power. I hate to compare James Ironwood to Regina George, but Regina’s posse includes Karen and Gretchen, two of the only girls who might take away from the authority she holds over the rest of their school, both in their wealth and attractiveness, and Cady’s interesting backstory and conventional attractiveness is the main reason Regina draws her into her own sphere - because she detects a potential threat. Much in the same way, while Ironwood likely has good intentions, his efforts to win over team RWBY and co. - including Qrow himself - is a logical way to consolidate resources. His willingness, at first, to cooperate with political opponents (ie Robyn) is because he’s not inherently evil, and he has nothing to lose. It’s when he is openly opposed and diplomatic gestures no longer hold the necessary weight that he snaps.

In one really interesting meta about Ironqrow’s archetypes (that I reread occasionally just because I really love it), @onewomancitadel posits that Ironwood is framed within the archetype of the Knight in Shining Armor, which should inform us of the moral consistency of his character. The meta was written around the beginning of volume 7, I think, and obviously we have a lot more character development and information to go off of now, but I think she makes a really interesting point about the nature of parallels and how that might help drive Ironwood as a character. I love her analysis of the visual of Ironwood stepping out of an airship wreckage, onto the street, the smoke billowing around him to reveal his cyborg prosthetics, and of the intentional framing. Once his uniform is stripped back, we see a man who is literally half-armor, which could be indicative of a lot of things. He’s emotionally guarded, he’s used as a human weapon, and he wants to be a line of defense. In her words, “The symbolism is really obviously put into perspective of his actions in trying to do the right thing: in the flesh (his true physical self) he is literally a knight in shining armour. From the ground up. Even if it's unseen or distorted by his uniform, his nature is still true.”

While Ironwood clearly has gone down a darker path in the most recent volume, I think this analysis holds true in a crucial way. “Ironwood is working with different information, and he’s doing exactly what he knows: stick to his knightly virtues, even disgraced.” Disgraced, indeed. Ironwood is holding onto his knightly values, and doing what he believes is right. If not right, he believes that it is necessary. The problem is that these values are manifested within Atlas’s sociopolitical-military culture in an inherently toxic way - his response is, at this point, neither rational nor empathetic, but it can be explained partially due to his cultural (flawed) understanding of justice, and because of the extenuating circumstances. The harsher the conditions become, the more difficult it is for anyone to project a facade that is not sincere at its core. If James is to uphold his Knightly virtues, he needs to be a protector, a leader, and a servant all at once while operating under limited intel with dwindling trust. All he has left are the few key players still in his grasp, and the control of the people he is responsible for.

To digress: generally, knights take an oath. It could be to a King, or Lord, or some noble, but Knights are supposed to operate on a code of honor, and chivalry, and to uphold these values throughout the land as an extension of whoever they have pledged themselves to. The story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight is a really good example of the way that, back in the day, chivalry and honor was supposed to place knights on a moral high ground compared to the common people.

In the middle of a celebration in Camelot, an obligatory tradition that has since lost real value but is rehearsed because Camelot fears that failure to uphold traditions that once had meaning is disrespectful, a Green Knight interrupts the celebrations and offers a strange challenge that boils down to a fight to the death. Gawain volunteers because accepting this challenge is what is expected of him, and Arthur would be humiliated if his knights, supposedly the best in the world, would not rise to the challenge. Gawain - and to a certain extent, the rest of Arthur’s knights - are fickle, in a sense, because their adherence to this code is performative, and it allows them to delude themselves into moral superiority and lie both to the commoners and amongst themselves; their identity as knights is based on a falsehood. Gawain is offered the first blow, and after beheading the Green newcomer, is horrified to see him become reanimated and immune to mortal blows. He invites Gawain to receive his own - likely fatal - blow, and gives him a time in which to meet, before promptly leaving.

Throughout the story, Gawain is tested in a variety of ways - in his final test, he fails, and allows his greed for self preservation and the fear of death to lead him to lie to his hosts and proceed to his meeting with the Green Knight under dishonest pretenses. While he is spared at the last second and becomes a better person (after it is revealed that Morgan le Fay orchestrated the ordeal to spook Queen Guinevere) - and by extent, a truer Knight, by the end of the story, the superficial and hypocritical nature of Arthur’s court is still in question, and still unanswered.

See, the entirety of Gawain’s trials was a test, not necessarily for him, but for Arthur and his court as a whole. Morgan wanted to prove the fickle nature of Arthur’s knights. The Knights of the Round Table were considered the best in the land, and to discredit one was to discredit all. What use is tradition if the meaning is empty, what use is chivalry if it is performed for reward instead of merit, and what use is loyalty if it is blind and unearned? Returning to Oz, the Tin Woodman, or Tin Man, grew to be made of tin because his axe became enchanted by the Wicked Witch of the East to sever his own body parts instead of the lumber he tried to cut down. A nearby tinsmith replaced each amputated limb with one of metal, until his entire body became tin and his meat body had been entirely discarded. Something to note is that Nick Chopper’s, (General Ironwood’s) wounds are technically self-inflicted. Each time he swung his axe, he made the decision to continue, knowing of the end result each time. In losing his bodily functions, the Tin Man believed that he had lost his humanity and ability to love.

The tragedy of his origin story draws a pointed correlation to Ironwood’s current dilemma; his unwillingness to stop, his self-imposed isolation, playing into the hands of the witch, and finally, the decision to let go of his ability to love remain consistent throughout both stories.

Watts even refers to Ironwood as a “Tin Solider”; a reference to the Tin (Woods)Man, no doubt, but could also evoke a soldier clanking around in metal armor. Ironwood is a Knight in Shining Armor, through and through. He wants to save the world, but at the terrible cost of civilian autonomy and possibly life. The problem is that he’s pledged himself to a discriminatory and hypocritical system, and his code is something that can easily be misconstrued by fear ( @disregardcanon ), much as Gawain’s own values. The Tin Man is, after all, still a man, and if we’ve learned anything from real fairytales, it is that men are fallible, whether or not they are made of metal.

Ironwood, Alone

he’s a lonely bitch

I know I f- up, I'm just a loser

Shouldn't be with ya, guess I'm a quitter

While you're out there drinkin', I'm just here thinkin'

'Bout where I should've been

I've been lonely, mm, ah, yeah

— Benee, Supalonely (2019)

You do get the sense that Ironwood is riddled with self-loathing conflicting with pride, with self-doubt clashing with competence, and that he is the kind of person who longs for things without verbalizing. Maybe his dad never paid enough attention to him as a kid. Maybe he suffered some terrible physical and emotional trauma, which might as well be assumed, given the extensive nature of his cybernetic limbs. Maybe (probably) he’d be more well-adjusted and would’ve made better decisions if the people around him trusted him and were a little more open. To be fair, though, he is the one at the wheel, and he is making the calls; no one else is to blame for his mistakes, and to pretend otherwise is to deny him accountability. I think we do enough of that in everyday life, in excusing powerful men of their responsibilities. To his credit, I do think he wants to help people. I think James also wants to project the personality of a leader who is stoic, controlled, and measured. He is charming when he wants to be, sympathetic when it suits him, and influential in just the right areas. He is not a sociopath, but he is a politician, and in a lot of ways, those are the same thing. We see in his brief flashes of temper, often prompted by Qrow, or most notably by Oscar, that this is not a calm, stable person. This is someone is on the verge of exploding, who is so fucking angry that he is not in control that it’s killing him, and so he is going to lash out and kill the things that are not within his grip. If the people beneath him will not reciprocate the heart that he offers, then he has no real use of it. James Ironwood does not begin this story as a bad person. This is a tragedy, in however many parts it takes.

I read, in one very smart and very put-together analysis that I cannot find and properly credit at the moment, that part of Ironwood’s (many) failures can be seen in Winter, and how, like Ozpin, he has appointed a woman as his talented, no-nonsense, second chain in command at his right hand. In this way, Winter is an intentional parallel to Glynda, who is, without question, a bad bitch. In theory, surrounding yourself with strong individuals is a demonstration of self restraint, in implementing your own checks and balances. James wants to project that he is powerful, yes, but he is reasonable.

I take this to mean that, to some degree, even if it’s unintentional or subconscious, Winter serves to boost Ironwood’s ego.

The issue with this is that within the inherently hierarchical structure of the military, Winter cannot question, undermine, or challenge Ironwood in a way that is particularly meaningful and their relationship is one of commander and subordinate before colleagues or equals (link to a fantastic post about Winter’s role as the Good, Conscientious Soldier by @fishyfod). Whereas Glynda is free to argue with, converse, and be as combative as she needs to be with Ozpin (although their power dynamic is arguably one of commander and subordinate albeit informally), Winter cannot temper Ironwood effectively, and through the illusion of equality, Ironwood is further isolated.

His head and arms and legs were jointed upon his body, but he stood perfectly motionless, as if he could not stir at all.

Dorothy looked at him in amazement, and so did the Scarecrow, while Toto barked sharply and made a snap at the tin legs, which hurt his teeth.

“Did you groan?” asked Dorothy.

“Yes,” answered the tin man, “I did. I’ve been groaning for more than a year, and no one has ever heard me before or come to help me.”

The Tin Man needs oil to lubricate his joints; without it, he cannot move, and he is rendered helpless and inanimate. When Dorothy and the group find him, he is entirely isolated with no one in sight, and he has been there for such a long time that he has begun to rust. Similarly, Ironwood needs valued voices of dissent to keep him in check. His colleagues were able to serve that purpose in the beginning, and out of them, Qrow is the best example of someone who doesn't take his shit, openly questions him, and looks down on the performative decorum of the military culture that Ironwood is surrounded by. What Ironwood needs is to be flexible and adaptable; his Semblance, Mettle (heh, metal, very nice pun, RoosterTeeth), is a double edged sword in that it gives him supernatural focus and willpower - enough, perhaps, to flay/chop off your own limbs - but it blindsides him, and is only further prolonging his pain.

There is a lot of sympathy to Ironwood’s character, as much as I’ve ragged on him for being an authoritarian, kind of a dick, and bad with kids. There are moments, such as the previously mentioned dinner party, where he shows his colors a bit, and when he assures the students at the Vytal Festival that there’s no shame in leaving before the battle begins, and in giving Yang a prosthetic arm before her father even has to ask. As far as Generals go, it seems that he’s seen soldiers come and go and understands, at least in his best moments, that not everyone is the same, and not everyone has power of unflinching determination to rely on. Ironwood performs his best when he tempers himself because he understands himself, and others. It’s when he fails to self-reflect that his hypocrisy shows through. Glynda points it out, too, as does Qrow; Ironwood advocates for trust but often fails to give it himself, going behind Ozpin’s back, being absolutely shit at field communication, and now the whole fascist, borderline-genocidal keruffle he’s gotten himself into.

I think that Ironwood reaching out to Qrow was his ethical last stand, his last chance and conscious effort to choose the right path. Qrow is unequivocally an equal, not like how Ozpin is the Big Boss, the authority that James becomes disillusioned with and tries to overthrow. He wants someone to trust, desperately so, and Qrow wants that too, but narrative subversion has hands. The Scarecrow and the Tin Man have no brain and heart respectively, and are in need of them. As it turns out, Qrow is actually a pragmatic guy with solid principles angled against authoritarianism, and Ironwood is a dick who would rather enforce martial law than to empathize and tame his military-shaped boner for one second.

I might conclude that someone like Qrow might be best for Ironwood, but that does not mean that someone like Ironwood would be the best for Qrow. Qrow has a brain after all, but Ironwood does not choose his heart when it matters, case in point. Even the intro of the current season features Salem and Ironwood on a chessboard; his white pieces are disappearing, dissolving into dust, as hers transform into Grimm. Ironwood is isolating himself by depleting himself of allies. As this post by @hadesisqueer points out, Ironwood isn’t even positioned as King, the supposed commander, but the Queen, the most versatile player on the board that is so far underused, since he hasn’t moved from his spot. Ironwood’s refusal to unify against Salem is his failure to strategically utilize the best resources that were available to him; soon, the pieces will be swallowed by the dark.

James is guilty of something that a lot of us are guilty of: doing a Bad Thing for what we have convinced ourselves is a Good Reason, when in reality, it is actually a lot of Very Bad Reasons. James Ironwood is a Knight archetype, through and through, and he is charging forward to do the right thing. He is afraid, he is lying to himself, and he will never surrender.

“All the same,” said the Scarecrow, “I shall ask for brains instead of a heart; for a fool would not know what to do with a heart if he had one.”

“I shall take the heart,” returned the Tin Woodman; “for brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world.”

Dorothy did not say anything, for she was puzzled to know which of her two friends was right, and she decided if she could only get back to Kansas and Aunt Em, it did not matter so much whether the Woodman had no brains and the Scarecrow no heart, or each got what he wanted.

The lesson of James Ironwood is a lesson of failure, and of the way that we succumb to fear, because that is Salem’s agenda, really, in the end: fear. It’s the negative emotions, fear being first and foremost, that draw in and empower the Grimm, and it’s fear and uncertainty that causes chaos. It is when Dorothy’s friends give into their fear that they are truly defeated. FDR’s assertion that “The only thing to fear is fear itself” holds true here; it’s not so much that these characters are afraid of losing their lives, their loved ones, and of the dark, but that they do not have the love or the resources to be brave for themselves or for others.

Qrow as a character is introduced as one who is already defeated, in a sense. Half of his team is gone, dead or estranged, he’s forced into the shadows of espionage to protect a world he knows is darker than it should be, and he’s fighting a losing battle with alcoholism. As charismatic as he’s written, he’s referred to as a “dusty old crow”, a hunter of renowned skill but past the prime of his life.

Dorothy’s three titular companions are defined by what they lack; in the same vein of the Disney I Want song (a main character’s main monologue song in which their wants and desires that motivate them throughout the rest of the film is laid out in song; ie Part of Your World, Reflections, How Far I’ll Go), the Lion, Tin Man, and the Scarecrow want bravery, a heart, and a brain respectively. RWBY relies on flipping the script of its characters based on what the audience might expect from the source material; Ruby is not just a helpless little girl - her introduction is a badass with a scythe. The Scarecrow is a chronic alchoholic. Cinderella is a victim of abuse, and is also a villain who wants to set the world aflame. Subversion, subversion, subversion.

There are obviously parallels between the characters in RWBY and in their own fairytales to keep them in character, and part of the fun is spotting those clues and occasionally connecting the dots to anticipate the direction of the narrative and certain connections between characters and the significance of their arcs. While I’m not aware of Dorothy Gale’s RWBY counterpart, if she has already been established or is yet to be introduced, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that Ruby has adopted a Dorothy-eque persona and can act as a surrogate in a way. She begins as a sweet, naive child eager to join a world of color and excitement, who initially believes that she has “normal knees” and is thrust into a political scheme full of powerful and older players. She even has a small dog as a companion, Toto Zwei, who seems like an odd addition, since he’s usually sidelined and basically forgotten about except in a few spare moments, unless he’s there to draw further comparisons to Dorothy. She may not be from Kansas, but she is first helped by Glynda (the Good Witch), and later expects assistance from Ozpin, Qrow, and the later Ozian counterparts. I find it a peculiar detail that for Ruby to be Little Red Riding Hood alone, she is surrounded specifically by Dorothy’s companions. This, of course, only increases the importance of the relevance of the Oz series in particular and the characters that are borrowed.

In the case of Ozpin’s inner circle, Dorothy’s closest comrades (sans Toto) differ in crucial ways to their source material. (After finishing this essay, I found a much better, condensed explanation by @neopoliitan )

Disillusioned by the Ozpin, the Wizard (who has been projecting an illusion of a failsafe) and overwhelmed by the rise of the Wicked Witch of the West, Lionhart (the Lion), gives into his cowardice and ultimately forgoes the arc and redemption of his character from the source material; as such, he is by all definitions, a failure and a premonition, as Ironwood eventually follows. If RWBY is a dark take on classic fairytales, then it is only fitting that these characters are charred husks of their fairytale selves - these are people, and some people are selfish, scared, and cowardly, and they do not overcome these traits.

This is all opinion based, pure speculation. I have no idea what will happen in the next episode, and whatever goes down will be...shit will hit the fan. I’m under no delusions that Ironqrow is going to be canon in a healthy, tender, endgame sense. They’re both kind of losing their minds, and Ironwood is shitting absolute bricks. No, they’re going to try to kill each other, and I personally cannot wait for Qrow to cleave this man in two. (Not sexually, just, literally. Like, with a scythe.)

On that note, I think that the RWBY writers are good at callbacks, at drawing attention to their own connections, and if Ironwood and Qrow’s inevitable confrontation is scheduled, then it will include visual callbacks to Qrow saving James at Beacon, maybe shot for shot. Their visuals have only gotten better as time goes on, and I imagine Ironwood’s eyes widening as Qrow leaps through the air, scythe drawn, in recal of a moment so long ago when they weren’t on the same page, but they were at least on the same side. When Qrow brings the blade down, there will be no enemy behind him. Only Jimmy James. The difference between the two of them will be that Qrow isn’t fighting out of fear, but out of love, for what happened to Clover, and to what could happen to his girls.

Qrow’s reliance on alcohol, as well as his (mostly) feigned nonchalance is meant to fit with the motif that the Scarecrow has no brain, and, had he a mind to desire anything, would desire it most of all. His role is, also, notably, gathering intelligence for Ozpin (his character is also based on Munnin from Norse mythology). There is so much about Qrow that is an act and so much that is not, and I think that this act is born both from this motif and from his own cynicism, and the alcohol contributes to this act. However, he eventually gets sober after Ruby expresses legitimate frustration, and he understands that he’s putting their lives at risk. While one could say that he gave up drinking for the kids, I would argue that the kids - Ruby in particular - made him want to give up drinking for himself, to better himself.

While Lionhart and Ironwood betray the people depending on them, Qrow’s love for his nieces (and for the kids) allows him to deviate from this pattern. The answer to fear is perhaps not merely bravery - Qrow’s triumph is love.

Ironwood knows triumph in the context of a military state, but he’s backed himself into a corner. Soon he will find himself alone and friendless. Hopefully, his last stand will not be in vain.

[adultswim2021]

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law #1: "Bannon Custody Battle" December 30, 2000 - 4:30AM | S01E01 Welcome to the first episode of Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, the first show on Adult Swim’s roster that I rejected as a substandard product. It should’ve been the Brak Show. In the opening episode, Birdman takes a case from Dr. Benton Quest, better known as Jonny Quest’s father. Race Bannon is fighting for custody of the boy, arguing that he’s a much better, much more present father figure to Jonny. Harvey Birdman was first conceptualized with an episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast. In the episode “Pilot” we’re shown a supposed disastrous pilot episode of “Coast to Coast” where Birdman was originally attached as the star. Birdman, a depressive, out-of-work super hero, utterly botches the job as his inability to host a late-night show due to his deriving all his powers from the sun becomes more apparent. The character recurs a few more times, most notably in the episode “Sequel”, where Birdman guest-hosts the show. Still, to call this a proper Space Ghost spin-off requires carrying a big asterisk along with it. The character name “Harvey Birdman” was invented for Space Ghost, but besides both being based on the old 60s Birdman Hanna-Barbera show, they have little to do with one another. One would get almost nothing out of watching the original Space Ghost episodes before watching this (except for, you know, getting to see episodes of a much funnier show).

So in Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law you have one 60s Hanna-Barbera character as a lawyer taking court cases from various other Hanna-Barbera characters, usually of a similar vintage. In this particular episode we’re treated to a lot of jokes about the homoerotic subtext of Jonny Quest, specifically the relationship between Race Bannon and Benton Quest. The writers decide to tastefully side-step the seemingly pederast relationship between Race and Jonny. Watching the original Jonny Quest with the same attempt to subvert and recontextualize the relationships between the characters through a modern lens, a certain type of observer would probably note the amount of shirtless roughhousing Race does with Jonny. Speaking of watching Jonny Quest: I have to admit something: I never really watched Jonny Quest at all before writing this blog. I’ve had an interest in older shows and cartoons my entire life, but the entire genre of action cartoon didn’t appeal to me whatsoever when I was a kid. So last night I watched my first episode of Jonny Quest, in glorious 1080p on my new 4K television; a format it was never EVER intended to be viewed in. Jonny Quest is objectively junk. It’s fun, boyish, escapist entertainment, and there’s a lot of good irony in it, especially with it’s antiquated portrayal of other cultures from a bygone era when we were far less connected to the rest of the world. It has limited animation and simplistic design. The backgrounds look like they were painted on a post-it-note and most of the men are drawn to look like reskinned versions of Race Bannon. But there’s at least something a LITTLE charming about it. In fact, there was one moment of beautifully scripted action that absolutely won me over: Race and Jonny’s speed boat goes airborne briefly and crushes the bad guy’s boat from above as they speed towards one another. I nearly cheered when it happened. I knew The Venture Bros took liberally from Jonny Quest, but the coolest action sequences on that show seemed to be striving for the same exact visceral reaction I got from seeing Race crunch up some lizard men on a boat. Birdman is a similar deal: He was a cookie-cutter imitation of comic book heroes from the silver-age of comics (the obvious comparison here is DC’s Hawkman). I actually did watch a Birdman adventure late last night as I was falling asleep to follow up on Jonny Quest, but it felt less important. I can remember checking out the original Birdman on DVD not too long ago. Also, your typical Harvey Birdman usually focuses on jokes about shows other than Birdman. Still, it’s neat to see those characters in their original context, as well as that Hanna-Barbera stock-explosion animation we all know and love from Space Ghost blowing up Zorak on Coast-to-Coast. Also the episode I watched will be heavily referenced later, but not for this. I only watched the first episode of Jonny Quest taking a cue from my friend Kon who noted that most of the references in “Bannon Custody Battle” are directly from the first episode. The most specific (and funniest) scene in the whole show involves the Lizard Men, the main villains of that first installment. Other characters show up very briefly, and are all ones that appear in the opening sequence. Unless I find out differently (I’ll probably try to make my way through the rest of Quest in preparation for Venture Bros.), it really does seem like the writers just watched the first episode of Jonny Quest to write this show. Watching this episode of Harvey Birdman was like batting away an existential crisis. I remember vaguely at the time not being SUPER hot on this show, but I cut it a lot of slack and trusted that it would simply get funnier. I wanted to love all the shows on Adult Swim. Anyway, I went from being lukewarm on Birdman, to hating it. Reading my own earlier review of Birdman I blasted this episode for being homophobic. I used to have a very low tolerance for gay jokes, back when they were highly in fashion. But now that we live an era where there’s an arms race to find new ways to scold one another for perceived slights gay jokes can sometimes, NOT ALWAYS, be a little refreshing to hear. The fact that my stance on gay jokes can change as long as it’s in direct-opposition with the rest of the world is at least a little troubling. Does this mean I’m an inauthentic reactionary? Yes. Yes it does. There, I admitted it. Now, let me off the hook, please. I say that sorta jokingly. The gay jokes in this are mostly pretty lame, and come off like Mike Scully-era Simpsons gay jokes. The early scene at the beginning where Birdman eyes widen when he’s misunderstanding the nature of Dr. Quest’s and Race Bannon’s relationship really does come off as early 90′s homophobia. I remember it seemed out of place at the time. I’m sure it played just fine in the midwest, but the show didn’t really put it’s best foot forward with that. Speaking of lame jokes, this episode has a few that have nothing to do with insulting gay people. One of my least favorite bits involve the specific gag of undercutting a dramatic moment with characters fumbling around awkwardly in true-to-life fashion. Why, if a person tried to recreate a dramatic sting you’d see before a commercial break in real life, you’re right, it’d probably go awkwardly! But this 11 minute show has at least 3 explicit examples of this, and it’s only mildly amusing once:

Bannon dramatically walks out on Dr. Quest, after announcing his intention to take Jonny with him. He awkwardly comes back because he forgot his keys

Birdman dramatically argues with a rival prosecutor and summons his personal digital assistant, and then awkwardly fumbles with it

Birdman proves that the Race Bannon on the witness stand is actually a robot by unplugging him, but he accidentally pulls the wrong cord and has to spend a few seconds untangling and retracing the correct cord.

Another thing about Birdman is that there is usually a lack of strong jokes. The show usually includes a layer of comedy where there are simply characters who simply have odd, scattered speech patterns or odd ticks. The rival lawyer in this slurs his speech in a particular way: cut to the jury looking confused. That’s the joke. The Judge grumbles in an ornery fashion and generally acts like he doesn’t wanna be there. He says stuff that sounds like bad improv. That’s the joke. The show will only ocassionally come up with jokes to justify these character traits. It’s just silliness that doesn’t usually go anywhere. But, I do kinda like some things about this episode. It was animated by J.J. Sedelmaier, known for early digital animation seen in the crude era of Beavis and Butt-head and SNL’s TV Funhouse. They really do have their own style of comic timing, and there are some gags in this where the animation works in their favor. There are some jokes where the drawings really sell the comedy. I’m not sure if I liked this animation better or worse, but it does match the oddly-stilted Jonny Quest animation better than the episodes that came after this would have. Oh, one of the funniest bits not on the show was when I popped in the DVD I forgot that the menu music is Wesley Willis’ “Birdman Kicked My Ass”. If I were in high school when the DVD came out I would have loved it just for that reason. Same could be said “Jonny Quest Thinks We’re Sell-Outs” by Less Than Jake. I was an easily impressed kid.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

[grifalinas]

I guess I’ve decided to delurk so have some thoughts I threw at the wall about my hypothetical screen adaptation of the Jeeves stories. Literally copy-pasted from Dreamwidth because no one has time to type things twice

If I were ever to do an adaptation of Jeeves and Wooster, I would have so much fun with the relationship between Bertie and Honoria. I've always loved (and sort of treated it as subtle canon) that Honoria is as gay as Bertie and her main interest in marrying him was in setting up something convenient for both of them, and it would be fun to do something with that in a setting I have control over. Other ideas: 1. Bertie is a mildly successful writer of short stories, mostly partially fictionalized stories about his and Jeeves adventures. This would not only cover the way the stories are written, ie, as though Bertie and occasionally Jeeves were writing them themselves, but it would also cover any differences between the source material and the version being shown. 2. There would definitely be scenes of Bertie randomly waxing poetic about Jeeves, preferably adjacent to scenes of Bertie calling his friends out on their waxing poetic about the girls they fall in love with. 3. More scenes that show how utterly fond Jeeves is of Bertie, since the books don't always make that easy (being from Bertie's point of view, and Jeeves moving around off-screen most of the time). The show did pretty good at that, since we were able to see more from Jeeves' point of view (and because they cast someone capable of recognizing homoerotic subtext when it's waved in front of him), but I think I could do better. 4. Somehow contrive to get Honoria more screentime. Idk how I'd do it, but I'd manage somehow, because I love her. 5. Cast someone a bit young-ish to play Spode. The books never give his age at all and the show went with making him a bit of the older set, and all of that in conjunction with him loving Madeline since she was "so high" is kind of, hm. Unpleasant to contemplate. I could probably get away with it if I made him just a bit older than her- maybe late teens while she was early teens, or something. Just... sort of remove the implications that he was a fully grown man in love with a child. Alternately, I could just remove the "loved her since she was so high" angle, since middle aged men marrying younger women was fairly common to the setting. (Basically, "loved her since she was so high" is cute and romantic between people with a relatively small age gap and creepy and predatory when you make it as big as the show implied.) 6. Do something with my idea that Bertie is ridiculously popular with service staff because he treats them like people doing a job to earn a living rather than furniture or his entitled right. He's not perfect (the whole "feudal spirit" thing) but I like the idea that deep-rooted classism aside, Bertie just really gets on with people, and people who aren't trying to control him or get something out of him really like him. 7. All of the women would be portrayed far more sympathetically. Bertie's views are understandable given a variety of factors, but all of them are just trying to seize what control is available to them in a setting designed to keep them from having any, and Bertie, as an agreeable good-natured chump, is a perfect target for gaining that control. While I don't disagree that they can all make themselves dreadfully unpleasant, so can Bertie, and they should definitely be given a look-in that doesn't treat them as having no redeeming qualities just because Bertie sees them a specific way. 8. Actually, going back to that first point about Bertie writing down his adventures as semi-fictionalized stories, is there any reason I couldn't just hypothetically present it as a love story? 9. I would definitely find some way of getting blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo from a bald little man and his friend who are subtly implied to be Poirot and Hastings because uhhhh well I want to, I don't have a real reason for this. 1o. Like Honoria, Bobbi Wickham is going to get more screentime. I don't have any particular love for her, but Bertie seemed to consider her his go-to when he wanted to get married for the sake of having kids, and her stories imply a degree of closeness he doesn't enjoy with the other young ladies of his acquaintance. So they're going to be bros and he occasionally floats around the idea of marrying her because that's what love is, right? When you like being around someone? This fondness is what men are always going on about, right? That has to be it. It's love. Obviously.

Anyway someone hire me to head up a screen adaptation of Jeeves, I promise I’ll make them good

[icekitten]

Magicians (and how slash ships are treated) rant...

I’ve watched shows where...

A slash ship finally expressed their love for each other and heavily indicated the relationship would be consummated only for one half to be murdered by the end of the episode.

The audience was mercilessly queer-baited for years only for the characters to be put in straight relationships or for the love to be one-sided or unrequited, with no satisfying conclusion. And all because stringing along the fans with homoerotic scenes, flirtatious banter and innuendo keeps the viewership steady without actually having to pull the trigger on a same-sex romance and of course they wouldn’t want to alienate the homophobic portion of the audience. Apparently heterosexuality and pandering to bigots will always trump chemistry, connection and sense. 

One half of the couple dies tragically in the others arms, usually from murder or an incurable ailment.

The gay character never gets a love interest at all, even when the show runs for years. Or they do get a love interest, but are barely allowed to kiss unless it’s in dim lighting.

Multiple gay characters are added for the sake of inclusion only for them to get no significant screen time, or they’re killed off, never receiving a meaningful story arc or romance. And the excuse made for never pairing any of them together is that they don’t want to create couples simply based on the fact they’re both gay. So who exactly can they be paired with? The sexually ambiguous male lead? Ha! Keep dreaming!

One half of the pairing is murdered by the other. And you’d think that nothing could be more devastating than that...

The Magicians season 4 finale was worse than any of the above, because they promised us something within their own narrative (”If I ever get out of here Q, know that when I’m braver it’s because I learned it from you.”) and not only didn’t deliver, they destroyed it in the cruelest way possible. They relished the critical praise of episodes like A Life in The Day and Escape from the Happy Place, they presented the audience with a male/male ship that was mutually requited and had the potential to be a groundbreaking power couple for the ages and they not only took it away but spat in our faces. They filled the final 3 episodes of season 4 with heterosexual love stories and gave them meaningful moments together before the tragic death of their bisexual lead and they couldn’t even spare a look between Quentin and Eliot, not even a one sentence exchange. And for what? Shock value? To give Eliot more man-pain going into season 5? For the sake of tragedy and realism in a fantasy show about MAGIC?! Why is it realistic for the straight couples to get final moments together but not the same-sex pairing? And why would you center an entire season around Quentin’s unwavering mission to free Eliot from the monster only to have Eliot finally come back (in an extremely anticlimactic way I might add) and not even have these characters speak to or look at each other during said scene or later in the episode? And Eliot awoke from his season long imprisonment in his own mind to the news that his best friend, brother of the heart and soulmate is dead and he’ll never get the chance to tell him he loves him, which was the motivating thought that kept him fighting for his freedom from the monster. It’s absolutely baffling from a writing perspective, as if the writers of the second half of the season had no concept of what propelled the first.

What could have been a bold, groundbreaking and historic moment in the television landscape became a living nightmare of undoing everything the show did right. And boy, did we believe wholeheartedly in this little cult scifi show. We all thought that this one was different. Surely they wouldn’t be like all the others, not when they wrote Quentin and Eliot’s relationship with such nuance, meaning and beauty... but in the end they acted with the same spinelessness, heartlessness and disregard for their most loyal supporters as all the rest, and they were downright savage in their delivery of the final blow. They not only killed a unique, relatable, and brave character and a ship that never reached it’s full potential, they killed the show entirely. Our trust was betrayed, our faith evaporated with Quentin, and our love for The Magicians was utterly snuffed out. And the true tragedy is The Magicians won’t be remembered for the magical, daring, layered, funny, deep, poignant and beloved show it once was, but for the gutless mess it became in the final episodes of season 4.

Should we just accept that slash ships will inevitably end in tragedy, or never be requited, that one half must die, that they should be treated as less than their hetero counterparts? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want all same-sex tv couples to live a tragedy free existence. I love angst and drama and the masochist in me is a sucker for a star-crossed love story. All I ask is for these potential couples to exist outside the realm of subtext whether it ends in a happily ever after or heartbreaking devastation. Give them a chance to flourish, instead of crushing all potential before the story has begun.

Why should fictional gay couples and main characters only be relegated to soap operas, fluffy comedies, and shows that are specifically geared towards a gay audience? Why are gay and bi characters always secondary on scripted dramas? Visibility matters but so does treating LGBT characters with the same respect and dignity as their straight peers. Including gay characters within a series just for the sake of inclusion is not progressive if you never do anything consequential with them. Can we not have one mainstream dramatic series where the male lead falls in love with another man (before the final episode and not in flashback form)? Would the show be ripped off the air? Would the ratings plummet? Do producers not realize how hungry we are for something like this? How many times we’ve been burned and hurt by television series in the past? If a show were to go boldly into this uncharted territory it would be hailed as a cultural phenomenon and we would spread the word like wildfire! Or is queer-baiting, the “bury your gays” trope, and minimal inclusion so alluring that artistic integrity be damned? Would these shows rather appeal to the narrow-minded than the open-hearted?

And why should we be treated so abhorrently? The members of the slash fandom are the ones who love these shows with all our hearts, re-watch episodes incessantly, create gifs, art, fics, tribute videos, cosplay, meta, the ones who tweet and promote and recommend the show to others, not because we’re paid to but because we’re devoted and passionate. We are the ones who keep the spirit of shows alive long after they’re off the air waves. We’re the ones who find inspiration in the characters and worlds these series create and expand upon these wonderful creations into works of our own making. And all we ask in return is just once for a pairing we ship to get a chance at love. To not be baited, fooled, played and ultimately heartbroken, hopeless and disillusioned.

This long-running and unfortunate queer-baiting phenomenon is unacceptable and the practice needs to be eradicated now. The lack of ethics and creative principle from showrunners and network execs is the epitome of cowardice. Why is fear stronger than love and reason? I guarantee if they had a male lead character fall in love with a man (not on a whim, but because it made sense within the canon text of the show and because of the chemistry between the two characters) they would receive mountains of praise from critics and fans. It would breathe new life into a stale state of sameness within network drama. Slash fans would tune-in in droves to witness such a valiant television landmark and historic precedent. They would be the trailblazing show that did what no other had the honesty and moral fiber to do. And to think it could have been you, The Magicians.

It’s 2019. Please do better.

[momo-de-avis]

So, as per @insanityisfine ‘s wishes, here is the story of how a hardcore catholic member of the Opus Dei repressed his homoeroticism with sexism and plagiarized Harry Potter thus teaching me a valuable lesson about writing.

So, let’ call this guy C.

C, as I said, was a hardcore catholic. By that I mean, of course, that you couldn’t actually tell until you actually met him. Though he kind of dressed like your average beto (but not so much, since he was kind of poor), he kind of came off as a regular dude who you could have a conversation with. Except, of course, if you were a girl. In which case you’d get a huge creepy vibe just from engaging with him shortly. He touched a lot, he leaned in, he smiled way too much and he had a really, really weird way of going about women.

First of all, a little background. C was like, the sixth brother of like, I don’t even remember, 10? 12? His mom was a super, hyper devote catholic and his dad—surprise, surprise—was a locksmith atheist who he venerated. The two—MOST SHOCKING OF ALL—were actually divorced. I know. The scandal.

They weren’t really poor, but they weren’t middle class either. They were adrift, you know. Which makes you wonder—how the hell does a family of like, 10 children and one single and stay-at-home mom manage to get this entire progeny into private schools (so Private they didn’t follow the regular, state-issued high school program, they actually had a list of banned books: I cannot tell you how much he despised Saramago lmao) and into high-end universities (like Católica)? Well, that’s where Opus Dei comes in. I never really understood how the fuck that works, but if you’re a member, you basically got a green card to live as a king even though you gotta mend the holes in your socks yourself.

The thing was, this guy was peak Mommy Issues. His mother was a goddamn viper. From what I gathered, because of her religion and the fact that she was divorced with so many fucking children at home, she was desperate to control her children. So the way she found of doing it was by simply playing mind games with them. She pitied her kids against each other. She clearly had a favourite one, and she compared all others to him. C was treated like waste, like he would never achieve the primal status of perfection his older brother achieved, and his sisters were constantly getting into fights because she used hearsay to pity them against each other. I also vividly remember him saying things like a kiss were banned from his TV, and his grandmother would smack whoever if they even dared to glance at the television when something as dirty as that came on. Mommy here would particularly pick on C. She specifically had him share a room with his youngest brother, who always went to bed earlier, specifically so she could complain about how late he got home, and she often hid his laptop away from him. She never even gave them a single phone, they always had to buy it themselves, with their money.

So you see, lovely home already. Which I would have accepted as an excuse, if he hadn’t grown up to be a huge dick. But you know, trauma or not, life in the end is made of choices, and boy, C chose to be a spiteful, humongous dick.

I met him in my first year of college. He was in this group with two other girls and another guy (C on the list I mentioned, let’s call him Z, cause he will be important for the story as well). We got together first because we were all, in 2010, some of the few who had been born in 1989. We were the ’89 group. And damn bitch, that was one fucking weird group. It was like Friends on a budget: they all tried to sleep with each other like there were no cast members left to fuck.

Initially, I thought he was nice, easy-going. We bonded over our passion for writing, mostly. You know the snippets I’ve been sharing of my WIP, with Selena as the protagonist? At the time, I was working on it, it was my second draft, and he was helping me construct the story, along Z (actually, Z is an even bigger dick, but he was the one who provided me the key ingredients into shaping the story. Literally, if it wasn’t for him, that WIP wouldn’t exist). We would sit for hours at this local café talking about it, and let me tell you, I hesitated, yeah, but C was quick to share his WIP with me.

Now, that WIP? When I explain to you what it was about, it’ll throw you off because the premise is actually cool as fuck. Basically, it’s about a young man who finds himself a victim of a curse. The curse causes his skin to fall off, and the only way he can survive is by killing other people and perform a skin transfer so his own skin can regenerate.

Sound rad as hell, doesn’t it?! Except this is C. And C really has a way of masterfully destroying things that look cool to the eye of the beholder.

Well, this cool ass premise? This how it kicks off:

The protagonist is a young kid, I don’t know, of 17 or 18, who’s hanging out Cais do Sodré at 4AM and somehow—somehow—that is weird enough for a police guy to approach him. For those not Portuguese: let me tell you as a person who lives across the river form Lisbon. Cais do Sodré is a liminal space, and the shit that happens there between 3 and 5AM? It stops being weird after a couple of months. Literally no police come near you unless someone’s fighting or someone’s pissing in broad daylight. So I really don’t get wtf this guy was going on about, but moving on.

This dude’s skin’s falling off, so he kills the police guy. Then, he takes off and sees a guy sitting on a public bench wearing, and I quote, «the habit of a monk» (yes, I have the document open right now). That guy tells him, literally, ‘I am a wizard and you can’t hurt me, my name is Cedric’ and this begins the long line of plagiarizing HP. Wait for it, it gets better.

Also, if you’re wondering if this is set in Lisbon, despite there being exactly one Portuguese name? Yes it is. In Sintra, too.

THEN it skips to summer (I have no clue what the fuck that intro is supposed to tell you) and we’re in Sintra, specifically Galamares (the story gets oddly specific). This guy’s out partying with his beto friends and shit, and one night he meets a 25 year old French dude called Goulage who invites him over to his mansion for the weekend and what does our protagonist do? He goes, of course.

This already feels like a premise for a horror story that will inevitably turn into an erotic romance, but remember: this dude’s hyper catholic, and to him homosexuality was not just… a Sin. You see, for it to be a sin, you actually have to think about it. Thing was, this guy pushed it down so far he was deepthroating that denial. He avoided it at all costs. And naturally, what happens when you do this, is your story gets an unnaturally homoerotic subtext that jumps off like a dildo slapping you across the forehead. That’s exactly what happened here.

It gets obvious in the way he describes this French dude: he mentions that going over to one of his parties was ‘a privilege’ for merely ‘a lucky few like [protagonist]’. When he gets to his physical appearance, it gets really neat: he had a smile that went ‘from ear to ear’, ‘glistening eyes, dark and full’ and his hair ‘could be described with one word: confusion, or in another: revolt’ because he had hairs that ‘turned against each other like someone who doesn’t comb their hairs after getting off the shower’. And then, the exact next bit of text says some of the funniest things in this piece of shit: ‘if I were an aspiring psychologist I would say there is a very profound reason for his hairs to be like that, perhaps an inner confusion’. He also says he ‘moves with extraordinary lightness, seemed to be everywhere and spoke with great expression coordinating his words with his gestures. He would be a great professor, if he were ever up to that’.

Two paragraphs later, the love interest, a girl, shows up. Her description? ‘She would look great in a bikini’—a direct thought of the protagonist

There’s this incredible exchange where Goulage snaps his fingers and fire spits out of his finger and he does this to light the protagonist’s fucking cigarette and the protagonist is like ‘wow you gotta teach me that’ and the dude’s reply is ‘I can teach you many tricks’. So the French dude promises a class that night, and off they go to ‘the basement, that was entirely dark’ lmfao. Goulage then prepares a drink for him and the protagonist slams down on the floor, unconscious. Yes, date-rape drug. When he comes to—and by god, bear with me on this one cause I fought against this little shit for this scene—he touches his neck and realizes there are two small wounds there.

What does this genius think?

‘I was bitten by a snake’

I remember SO WELL the conversation I had with him about this bit, because at this point the snake comes off as very, VERY evident homoerotic symbolism because in no fucking world would it make sense for a snake to bite you in the fucking neck, what are you talking about, and I tried to make him see that but boy—lost time.

When summer ends, our protagonist realizes the date-rape thing was actually the French dude’s way of cursing him with his skin disease from hell and the two get into a fight.

Now, if you’ve been following me for a while, you know there is a maxim I live by: there are no bad ideas, just ideas that need working. C was actually the one who taught me that, because he actually had a really, REALLY fantastic idea for a story that he completely fucked up because he refused to do any work besides sitting at his laptop and shitting a few words together. He did no revision (he thought himself above that), did no research (he couldn’t understand why that was needed, when he could simply copy it from existing books) and he did no fucking work on his plot—and if you tried to show him, he would take your criticism to heart.

Because not only is this a story about a protagonist who lives under a curse that causes his skin to fall off and his only way of survival is killing so he manages to make a new skin transfer, this is actually the Friends to Enemies trope, which I fucking adore. But he fucked it up completely by somehow—somehow I have no clue how exactly—doing it in light of the entirety of Harry Potter. (My favourite sentence in this WIP is—and I remind you, I quoting this shit: “I am going to the suburbs, so many people disappear there they won’t notice my presence”. Absolute fucking poetry, this little gem. Love it.)

This is set in a wizardry school and this somehow relates to elves in Lisbon (lmfao). Cedric dude from the beginning? He’s from the Ministry of Magic (YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN). They teleport to some fucking city that is like, magically concealed behind a barrier or some shit in Sintra (LMAO). Also, wizards are divided in Orders like, First and second and shit, which I understand also comes from HP (remember I never read HP, these comparisons were actually made for me by an HP aficionado I used to know who pointed them out for me, yet even I could see the plagiarism lmao). And what’s even funnier, most of the names are lifted from somewhere obvious: Gorbachev is there, so is Oskar Koskoshka (yes, like the painter) or Gorbunov. And guess what non wizards are called lmfao.

Also, the spells are exactly like HP: stupefy, stritia maxima, accio fogo, incarcerous and invicta are some of the few I caught eye of here.

I remember there’s a Brolyk somewhere in there as well, and someone called Polidoro, even fucking FREEZER is here (if you’re not Portuguese: that’s our version of Frieza lmfaooo). Oh, and Marowak as well (that’s a pokemon isn’t it?) The protagonist at some point is recruited to work for the, idk, FBI of the wizardry world? Or the Wizard Police Department or Wizard CSI or some shit?

I remember the climax of the story is a sword fight between he two former friends, totally-not-gay-nope dudes and the way he did it… It was in a poem that sounds like a DDR recital. Like, first he gets this swarm of anger that, as it always goes, propels him to be the Best There Is and the weirdest fucking modern poetry ensues, and then the fight scene is like this: “Step forward, attack through the right / step left, attack forward” etc etc. Just this fucking SHIT.

So yeah, when this guy showed me this my reaction was pretty much

Now, I TRIED to be critical in a constructive way. Because, as I said, his premise is actually super fucking original and, being well worked out, it could have been actually incredible. But C refused to take criticism. When he approached anyone with his ‘would you like yo read my story and tell me what you think’ mumbo-jumbo, he didn’t mean criticism, he meant praise.

So what happened was he did to me what he thought I was doing to him. He put me down constantly.

Joke was on him. He was so excited about my story, he actually went on google sketch to project some scenarios from my story. The School, where the story starts and introduces Selena to us, he actually fucking drew the whole thing, so I don’t really know what his problem was cause he was actually more excited about it than I was.

But he just couldn’t take the fact that I was being critical of his work. I started noticing that most people around him hesitated when it came to giving him real opinions. When he asked someone what they thought, he didn’t say ‘what do you think?’ He’d say ‘it’s good, isn’t it?’ and that left people cornered. But I just.. don’t take shit. And my friend back then, who knew HP back and forth, he jumped in as well because he could see that like, if this thing would ever see the light of day, JK Rowling would have a field day suing his ass (though it’s way too bad for it ever to reach publishing, trust me. He doesn’t know how to accent prepositions. He writes “fui áquela casa” or “vou á casa de banho” by fucking hand).

He constantly nit-picked my work. “Swords don’t wheeze, Ana” he said. “I know, C, it’s called a fucking metaphor”.

“This looks too much like the Chronicles of Narnia, I think you’re risking plagiarism, because of this Tiger symbolism”; “C, the Chronicles of Narnia has a Lion passing for Jesus, the Tiger is literally just a symbol of a god, what do you mean”.  

“This is too much like the Mists of Avalon”; “have you even read the Mists of Avalon?”, “no, but it’s celtic paganism all the same”, “???????????????”

Now, here’s another thing about C: he really had no fucking clue how to deal with women. They were alien concepts to him. And one thing he really believed (I mean he really believed this) worked wonders in conquering a girl’s heart was basically put her down and annihilate her self esteem. Call her ugly, say she’s fat, tell her she’s got ugly teeth—and then provide the compliments! So he was a professional sexist. And I remember when he started picking on me because I dared criticized his masterful magnus opus of a fucking piece of shit book, he went in for the looks. At the time, I was about to go on the table for my jaw surgery, and he actually said this to me: “Finally men will look at you, Ana, and you’ll look decent!” He would ell other people “Ana? She’s not a girl, to me she’s a guy—she’s even too ugly to be a girl”.

He really went fucking hard.

It didn’t take long for me to just… fuck off.

But I kept his fucking first and second draft

What’s outstanding is how a hyper-catholic dude who wasn’t allowed to see kisses on TV and who was a virgin at 24 years old out of religious beliefs but bragged about getting a boner for his female friends on the beach managed to just… Become my prime example of everything you shouldn’t be as a writer. I am not kidding. C was my life lesson. Whenever I can’t write, I go back to his first draft and like… It’s so fucking bad, I get a boost. IT’s not just poorly written, everything about it is bad.

But then I remember what’s so bad about it: he made it bad by being a shit person. C thrived off of attention, negative or positive, it didn’t matter, so long as he was the subject of the conversation. He used others to aggrandize himself, by putting them down and treating them like shit in front of others—specifically, in an environment where others couldn’t control but he could (his brothers used to make jokes in front of me—as well as literally everyone else, whether I know them or not, about how C was fucking me—he wasn’t—and say things like ‘is she the one you’re eating?’ in public). He hated women because of his mother, his mommy issues were down to his marrow and man, he projected that onto every girl he ever met. He specifically sough women with little initiative, little impulsivity and who submitted so he wouldn’t be challenged. For friends and girlfriends.

But I challenged him, and that wouldn’t stick. So he treated me like shit, constantly. So much at one point I stopped showing up, stopped talking, just.. walked away.

But those shitty first drafts? Oh, my friends… you wouldn’t believe the shit I have here in my computer.

[classic-queeries]

Holden C*ace*field: Asexuality and Representation

Some background: At the end of my junior year of high school we read Catcher in the Rye in my American Lit class. A friend pointed out a quote to me and said “hey, Holden kinda seems asexual to me.” I hadn’t been particularly interested in the book before she pointed it out, but once I read the quote I saw what my friend saw. Further reading absolutely convinced me that Holden was demisexual.

My English teacher however, did not have the best history with queer coding. When we read The Great Gatsby many in my friend group were convinced that Nick Carraway was gay. When one friend brought it up in class, however, she got shot down almost immediately. The teacher only brought up queer coding once, in reference to The Scarlet Letter, saying that Chillingworth was gay because there was subtext that he sexually assaulted Dimmesdale. Which, if you’ve read the book? Not the conclusion I’d jump to. He kept using the words “homoerotic subtext” which also did not sit well with us. 

Needless to say, I did not bring up my demi-Holden theory in class. I did not want to deal with the teacher shutting me down like he had my friend. So instead, after AP tests and I’d handed in my last major paper for the year, I wrote an essay. Full semi-formal style, MLA formatting, definitions of everything, multiple sources and examples all correctly cited. Nothing he could fight me on.

And you know what he did? He fought me on it by throwing my argument back at me without the label. What followed was a few days of me stomping around, ranting to my friends that had helped me with this about how he wasn’t listening to me. I stopped the communication after a few back and forth exchanges. I was getting nowhere.

I’m still proud of the essay. I would classify it as one of the better things I’ve written, simply because it was an argument I actually cared about. So I’d like to share it, share why I relate to Holden even in a small way, because maybe it’ll help someone else.

–Mod Sherlock

When I first ran across the word asexual I didn’t think it applied to me. But it turns out whatever definition I had read was wrong. Asexual simply means that one does not experience sexual attraction. I’ve come to terms with that, and embrace my being asexual, or ace, proudly. You’ll see me down at Pride in June having fun with my friends, decked out in purple, black, and white. Problem is that not many people know about us. The last GLAAD survey had aces as about four percent of millennials (Accelerating Acceptance 2017). That is a bigger estimate than the last one we had at one percent back in 2004.

Of course, asexulaity is kinda an umbrella term. That GLAAD survey involves aces, demisexuals, and graces. I myself identify as asexual because I cannot conceive of what exactly sexual attraction is. People look at someone else and go, “I’d hit that,” or they appear in sexual fantasies? I literally cannot make sense of it. Many people have tried to help, none succeeded. I know a few people who identify as demisexual, which means that they only experience sexual attraction to someone once they form a deep emotional bond. They have to be dating the person, or close friends, or any other number of meaningful relationships, before they experience sexual attraction. There are others who identify as grey-asexual, grace, which means that they have only limited experience with sexual attraction. They may only experience it intermittently, maybe only once or twice in their life. This differs from demi in that they may experience it without the deep emotional bond. Asexuality is best thought of as a spectrum. The ace spectrum is from allosexuals, those who do feel sexual attraction, to aces, with demi and graces somewhere in the middle (AVEN).

The fact that we don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean that we aces can’t have meaningful relationships. The split attraction model (SAM) is about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction. People can have two different orientations for different attractions. I have several panromantic asexual friends, who experience romantic attraction to all genders, yet no sexual attraction. There are homoromantics, biromantics, heteromantics, every sexuality has a romantic equivalent. This of course includes asexuality as well; those who don’t experience romantic attraction identify as aromantic. I identify as an aromantic asexual because romance is an enigma. Like, what the hell even is romance? Going out on a date with someone? Movies are more fun with more people, why not bring a couple friends? Ice cream or food? How is that a date? Romance is entirely dictated by societal norms and I, for one, am tired of it. Why should I be expected to date anyone if I don’t want to? And why is it that everytime I walk home with a male friend I get people asking me if we’re dating the next day and every time I think “oh my god no we’re neighbors he’s gay and I’m aroace what the flippity fuck people.” But I digress.

The SAM stems from the fact that there are many different types of attraction, some of which are easy to confuse with sexual attraction. Sexual and romantic attraction exist and are often conflated. A common attraction variation for aces to use is aesthetic attraction, which is simply thinking that someone looks nice. I can think that someone looks pretty in a military dress uniform without being sexually attracted to them. In addition there is sensual attraction, which means that someone experiencing it wants to interact in a tactile but non-sexual way. For instance, Carrie Fisher? Was very huggable. Both aesthetic and sensual attraction are extremely easy to confuse with sexual attraction and are often so intertwined that a person cannot tell them apart. Sensual has a sexual connotation for some people but i’ve never seen it used in a sexual way. In addition, I know that before I realized I was ace I would categorize who I considered ‘sexually attractive’ by who was aesthetically pleasing and just called that sexual attraction.

Enough with the SAM, though we’ll get back to it. A common misconception about asexuals is that we don’t have sex as a rule. That’s blatantly wrong, that’s the definition of celibacy. We have different levels of comfortability with sex. Some are sex-positive, which means that they enjoy or even want sex. Others are sex-ambivalent, meaning that they don’t particularly care either way. Still more are sex-repulsed, which means that they viscerally consider sex gross and do not want to participate in it or even talk about it depending on the extent of their repulsion. Like everything, this is a spectrum. Allos can also have these opinions on sex, they are not limited to aces.

The major problem that most asexuals face is ignorance. The estimated number of asexuals was so low in 2004 partly because there just isn’t wide enough knowledge about us. That number rose three percent in the past thirteen years in part because AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, was formed and started to help spread word. Yet we are still ignored and pushed aside, even pathologized:

“….because sexuality is taken for granted as necessary to normalcy and normative bodies….asexuality is and has been historically diagnosed as a problem in need of medical reress and treatment….[the DSM has] “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” (DSM-III-R 1987)….”female sexual interest/arousal disorder” and “male hypoactive sexual desire disorder” (DSM-V 2013). Such labels indicate that low levels of sexual desire were seen by sexology and continue to be regarded by scientific medicine as ‘unhealthy’ and abnormal, reflecting more broadly on society’s negative attitiudes toward asexuality” (Przybylo 186).

Sexual attraction is so pervasive in our society that when someone doesn’t feel it they’re treated like they have a mental illness. I’m sure there are more examples of this, but I don’t have the stomach to go looking for more. I had to talk myself out of looking through the DSM for myself, I don’t need to find more examples of bigotry and prejudice.

Even so, I find unintentional (I hope) examples of aphobic attitudes in my own classroom. Calling sexual attraction “normal” hurts. That tends to imply that anything against the norm is bad, to be shunned and destroyed. I’m reminded of a song by my favorite band, called “We Are the Others,” which has the lyrics: “Normal is not the norm/ It’s just a uniform/ Forget about the norm/ Take off your uniform/ We are all beautiful”(Delain). “Normal” is not a thing. Everyone is weird to someone else, but that doesn’t give one reason to be a bigot.

On top of this ignorance is the fact that erasure is so common in what little media we have. There was a recent TV show based of a series of comic books from Archie called Riverdale. One character, Jughead Jones, was an aroace in the comics (Riseman). In the TV show they erased Jughead’s aromanticism by placing him in a clearly reciprocated relationship with Betty, and his asexuality is up in the air, but likely erased as well (Alexander). Riverdale is just one of a few that erase ace identities. Most a-spec characters are in obscure books that you would never hear of if you didn’t go looking for them, or in webcomics which are unlikely to gain a mainstream audience. There has not been a mainstream confirmed ace character. Ever. This erasure and ignorance is what makes headcanons so important. I headcanon many of my favorite characters as ace because I relate to them so well, so why shouldn’t they share my sexuality as well? That’s why when I find a character that has a wealth of canon evidence that they might be aspec, I find the bandwagon and start driving.

So when I realized that Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye might be asexual I hopped right onto that bandwagon and hit the gas. It was actually one of my friends that pointed out that Holden might be asexual. I read the quote they sent me, and immediately poured myself into the book. I kept notes on everything that Holden did, everything he said, that seemed like he might be aspec to me. As I read I related more and more to Holden, and I am convinced that Holden is aspec. I propose that Holden is a heteromantic demisexual who, having never seen the terms, confuses sensual and aesthetic attraction for sexual.

Before I get into the meat of it, let’s clear up one thing: asexuals can still get aroused. I mean, it’s a little hard to have sex without that and some of us do have sex no matter what some people seem to think. There is an important distinction for aces, however. In her article “Introducing Asexuality, Unthinking Sex,” Ela Przybylo writes that “Scholars who study the physiology around asexuality suggest that people who are asexual are capable of genital arousal but may experience difficulty with so-called subjective arousal. So when the body become aroused, subjectively-at the level of the mind and emotions-one does not experience arousal”(183). This is a very important distinction. Aces may have general arousal, but we have nothing to direct it at. Our mind is separate from our body in this case. There’s one line in Catcher about Holden feeling horny: “After a while I sat down in a chair and smoked a couple of cigarettes. I was feeling pretty horny. I have to admit it” (Salinger 63). This is after he walks into the hotel and sees several indiscrete people doing rather sexual acts on the balcony. What strikes me about this is that, despite feeling some general arousal, he just sits down and smokes a cigarette. This may be just me misunderstanding, but people do not just sit down and have a smoke when horny? That doesn’t seem like something an allosexual would do. In addition to that, Holden does not seem to be reacting to a particular instance and has nowhere to direct his attentions. His body may be reacting to the ‘perverts’ on the balcony, but his mind is completely clear. Holen is not experiencing subjective arousal. As stated above, this is generally an ace thing.

Another very ace thing Holden does is hire a prostitute then ask her to talk with him, not have sex. In general, when one hires a prostitute, one does so for sex. Holden goes into the fiasco with the thought: “I figured if she was a prostitute and all, I could get in some practice on her, in case I ever get married or anything. I worry about that stuff sometimes”(Salinger 92). This on the surface seems like a typical thing for a young adult to worry about, but, really? Who the hell worries about sex? Holden goes into this so objectively, thinking about getting married in the future and getting practice on her. This is a typical thing for a confused ace who has no idea that they are ace to worry about. After he thinks this the prostitute, Sunny, shows up. They talk for a bit and then Holden is very surprised when Sunny just up and pulls her dress off: “…she stood up and pulled her dress over her head. I certainly felt peculiar when she did that. I mean she did it so sudden and all. I know you’re supposed to feel pretty sexy when somebody gets up and pulls their dress over their head, but I didn’t. Sexy was about the last thing I was feeling….Boy, was I feeling peculiar….All she had on was this pink slip. It was really quite embarrassing” (Salinger 94-95). Yes, Holden, according to societal conventions one will supposedly feel horny when met with a mostly-naked person of the opposite gender. But people go against those societal conventions all the time. Asexuals, for instance, would not feel ‘sexy’ when met with a naked girl. Holden’s peculiar feeling may be the fact that he doesn’t know Sunny, and thus has no chance of feeling sexual attraction towards her. It may also be caused by possible sex repulsion of some degree when faced with someone he doesn’t know. This is, of course, ignoring the fact that he hired a prostitute then proceeded to ask her to just have a conversation with him. That is such an ace thing to do I mean, come on, who would do that.

Even more critical beyond Holden’s uncomfortableness when faced with sex, is the fact that he self-admittedly doesn’t get what sex is all about. Contemplating the people doing ‘crumby’ stuff on the balcony of the hotel he’s staying in, Holden thinks:

“Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. You never know where the hell you are. I keep making up these sex rules for myself, and then I break them right away. Last year I made a rule that I was going to quit horsing around with girls that, deep down, gave me a pain in the ass. I broke it, though, the same week I made it - the same night, as a matter of fact. I spent the whole night necking with a terrible phony named Anne Louise Sherman. Sex is something I just don’t understand. I swear to god I don't”(Salinger 63).

Holden’s opinion on sex is that it’s confusing. He just simply doesn’t understand how to go about it. He makes himself rules for gods’ sake. He doesn’t understand why people do the do, why people go beyond ‘necking.’ Sex is so centralized in our culture that for an ace person, navigating the world is a problem. Centralization of sex in culture includes the beliefs that sex is needed for romance, the act of sexual intercource is key to adulthood and maturation, and sex is important for a healthy life (Przybylo 181). The key bit here is that Holden seems to believe that he should want sex with people, but he doesn’t understand sex. The centralization of sex confuses him and he ends up reaching for ways to make sex make sense to him, like a set of rules that he immediately tosses aside. He ends up doing the same thing that many aces do before they realize their sexuality: pretending just to fit in. He hires the prostitute because he thinks that might help him with his sex game. He feigns a desire for sex as real life aces often do: “As one participant from a study on asexual masculinity discusses, as an adolescent he had to “play along” with his male friend who “were all into porn mags” and checking out girls, feigning a desire for sex in order to fit in but ultimately “los[ing] out socially because…. A lot of social activities seem to be … centered around sex (Przybylo 2014:229)”” (Przybylo 188). Holden doubts that everyone has these desires and questions people that have sex just for the hell of it. He tells Carl Luce during their conversation:  “[i regard sex as] a physical and spiritual experience and all. I really do. But it depends on who the hell I’m doing it with. If I’m doing it with somebody I don’t even-….This is what I mean though. I know it’s supposed to be physical and spiritual, and artistic and all. But what I mean is, you can’t do it with everybody-every girl you neck with and all-and make it come out that way. Can you?”(Salinger 146-147). Holden sees people like Stradlater going and having sex with basically random girls just because they want to. He sees them doing it with girls they’ve only known for a couple hours, and questions, “you can’t do it with everybody?” He simply doesn’t see how people can just essentially randomly hook up and have a desire for the other person. This is a very common thing for aces to question. How do people just hook up if they don’t even like the other person? What underlying attraction is there? Don’t you have to know the person? The concept of a one-night-stand doesn’t exist to many aces.

This brings me to my crowning jewel: Holden basically explicitly states that he is demisexual. Just after the previous quote, while he’s talking to Luce, Holden says this: “You know what the trouble with me is? I can never get really sexy- I mean really sexy- with a girl I don’t like a lot. I mean I have to like her alot. If I don’t, I sort of lose my goddamn desire for her and all. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks”(Salinger 148). Holy. Fucking. Crap. That is the definition of demisexuality. Holden only has desire for a girl when he “likes her alot.” Demisexuality is only experiencing sexual attraction when a deep emotional connection is formed. Holden just almost explicitly said he’s demi. To back me up even further, I sent this quote to a few ace friends with the caption “if this isn’t aspec then idk what is.” Their responses: “HECK U RIGHT,” “Wow that’s practically explicit,” “If you can’t see the ace-ness inherent in this you need to get your eyes checked,” and “That’s one of the most canon ace things I’ve ever read and [I’m] willing to throw down with both teacher and author in the parking lot over this” (Fuck Yeah Asexual). If I have friends, demi friends who know the definition and use it all the time, willing to freaking fight Salinger and my teacher over this, you know it’s good.

Part of the reason that my friends may be so willing to fight people for Holden to be demi is that we have basically no representation in popular media. I found a total of five major canon ace characters in pop culture when I went looking. Every single other character I found was minor or from something that hasn’t inundated pop culture yet. Of those five, only two explicitly used the word asexual. Luffy from One Piece is commonly believed to be asexual, as is Maya from Borderlands 2 (SBS Volume 54, W.). One of these is a manga, the other a video game. While they do have very large audiences, neither character is confirmed ace in their media, purely by the creators word. Todd from Bojack Horseman is asexual as well(season four ep 3). Raphael from Shadowhunters is ace in the TV show, and aroace in the books, and I already mentioned the fiasco with Jughead (“By the Light of Dawn”, Alexander). Because we have so little representation, interpretations of famous literary characters like Holden as aspec really helps with overall awareness of the ace community. Awareness is coming around, slowly but surely, but every little bit counts.

So I will fight for ace Holden. I will drive this bandwagon right over anyone who objects, throwing my heaps of evidence and definitions out the windows. Maybe I’ll wrap the definition of demisexuality around my little crowning jewel and lob it at anyone who wants to fight me. Y’all are entitled to your opinions, but if you come say I’m wrong and ‘ruining books with my queer characters’ you’re gonna get a great big ball of demi-Holden evidence thrown at you. And I’m gonna wrap it all up nice and pretty in the demi flag.

[heidisamiam]

“Triple Banana, Bitch”: Or, McDanno and the Challenge to Heteronormativity

1. Introducing the Case

[1] Imagine a TV show where two co-workers/friends survived being trapped under a collapsed building and Person A sustained some pretty severe injuries. While trapped, the Person B says “I love you” to them. They are eventually rescued, and the following conversation ensues.

A: When we were in there, you said ah, y'know before you did the thing with the bomb, you said what you said ... I want you to know, I feel the same way. B: How is that exactly? A: You're making me say it? (B gives A a look.) Come here. (They hug.) I love you.

Now imagine a couple years later, a mutual acquaintance, Person C, is listening to them discuss Person A’s ex’s upcoming divorce.

B: What about therapy? It worked for us. C: You two lovebirds have a therapist? A: (Incredulous scoff.) Yes, we have a therapist.

Around the same time, imagine the couple arguing because Person B found out that Person A had been thinking about retirement without consulting Person B.

B: You didn’t feel the need to include me in the decision for you to retire. I trust you to bring me into big decisions like that.

You’d probably think that was a romantic couple, wouldn't you? They got together, they expressed their love after a traumatic event forced them to, they’ve worked at their relationship, they still have spats over things like major life decisions.

What if I said that Person A is Detective Danny Williams and Person B is Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett of Hawaii Five-0?

2. Maybe It’s A Joke

The thing about Hawaii Five-0 is that they treat Steve and Danny as if they are the lead couple.

And I don’t mean this in an “if one of them was a woman, they’d be together” kind of way, but in a “sometimes you forget they aren’t actually a married/romantically involved TV couple” type of way. In the Season 7 finale, there was a moment where I honestly was confused why Steve didn’t give Danny a kiss before leaving his office.

It’s intentional, maybe not to the extent that I see it. It started out in a wink-wink-but- clearly-a-joke sort of way. Both friends and strangers referred to them as a couple very early on in the show. But, unlike some shows, there haven’t been “no homo” responses (and none as far as I know from the actors). Maybe a little incredulity from Danny on occasion, but that is his response to teasing in general.

In S1E4, Steve is playing basketball against a guy in prison to try and get information out of him. Steve yells at Danny to shut up to try to get him to stop heckling him. The prisoner he’s playing against asks, “How long you two been married?” No reaction from either of them.

In S1E7, Steve is in a hostage situation while Danny is in the perp’s house. They’re on the phone, and Danny—who looks around to make sure no one is in the room—whispers, “You, uh, you miss me, don’t you?” Steve says, “Of course I miss you.” The retired Navy guy Steve is with asks, “Who are you talking to? Your wife?” Steve replies, “I’m talking to my partner.”

In S2E18, Harry the retired police officer offers them marriage counseling.

They go to a sorority house in S3E12 and one of the women in the house says, without really seeing them interact, “Kelly, your dads are here to pick you up.”  Both men look slightly put out by the statement—but Steve expressly says it’s because he doesn’t think he looks old enough to have a daughter in college.

In S5E17, they occupy a woman’s apartment for a stakeout, and a nosy neighbor assumes they are married. At the end of the episode they leave for couples therapy (no, really) and the woman is confused, because they said they weren’t married, to which Chin says they just fight like an old married couple.

There are numerous other examples of this. A lot of it happens non-verbally, in looks they get from other people or that other people share behind their back, including people who have known and worked with them for years, usually Chin.

In S4E11, Danny calls Steve cheap while the whole group is out, and everyone backs away from their argument, side-eying each other like, “oh the married couple is fighting again.”

So, maybe it’s a joke.

3. More Than Subtext

But maybe it isn’t.

“Ho yay” is a phrase that is sometimes used, meaning “homoeroticism, yay,” to refer to homoerotic subtext in otherwise heteronormative narratives. The history of this has its roots in the fact that you couldn’t put overt mentions of homosexuality on television for a long time. So you had to do the wink, wink, nod, nod. The “roommate” or intimate friendships that most people would interpret as good friends.

There seems to be a conception used in anti-gay rhetoric that homosexuality didn’t exist until the last couple decades and that the liberal agenda intends to turn everyone gay. I would recommend to these people to read any Ancient Greek text (like, any of them), but maybe straight men and women don’t see subtext, because they don't have to. They’re represented.

Sometimes people use the term “queerbaiting” to refer to TV shows that use homoerotic subtext not in a way to imply that characters are gay, but, rather, to tease the idea that a show has gay characters so that people who want to see that kind of representation on a show watch it, but so that people who are “offended” by gay representation won’t not watch it.

I’m not sure if this happens intentionally, or if it’s just people who are fed up with the lack of representation reading into it, because the big TV demographic that everyone is after is males age 18-34, and the majority of men are heterosexual. So, this is unfortunate, but this is the problem with diversifying television, film, publishing, etc. Straight white men are still the default, so anyone else is a niche market, i.e., a risk.[2]

But Hawaii Five-0 goes way beyond the jokes, and I think even beyond baiting. You can actually watch the show as if they are in a romantic relationship together without squinting. Sure, it’s an open relationship, and you have to read both characters as bisexual (easy to do with Steve, a little harder to do with Danny), but on my reading it’s a relationship that goes outside the usual mapping of two men or two women onto a stereotypical heteronormative relationship tropes.

Maybe they aren’t sexually involved--the jokes and innuendo are almost always about them being romantically involved. And that might help my case.

4. The Evolution of a Couple

But I’m getting ahead of myself, because it takes them awhile to get there. Their relationship really starts out with pulling pigtails. They tease each other about their musical tastes, food likes and dislikes, Danny’s love of New Jersey, Steve’s love of firearms. But then “Sexy Eyes” by Dr. Hook comes on in the car one day (S1E11), which is such a lame song there is no reason why Steve McGarrett would like it, and Steve refuses to let Danny change it. It is my personal belief that Steve McGarrett listens to Supertramp and King Crimson exclusively (I have absolutely no proof of this), so not letting Danny change the song from “Sexy Eyes”? I don’t even know what to do with that.

A lot of friendships (and particularly male friendships) are based on ribbing. But neither Steve nor Danny interacts that way with Chin, Kono, Max, Jerry, or Kamekona. In fact, the only person Danny argues with the way he argues with Steve is with his ex-wife. And Steve doesn’t even remotely interact with any of the characters the way he does with Danny. He gives Lou a hard time on occasion, but he never really teases anyone else. The more I think about it, the more I think he is one of the most earnest characters on television. Steve does have a very close friendship with Chin, and in later seasons with Lou, but they’re more serious with each other. The care and support are there, but the playfulness isn’t.

In the first season, Steve and Danny have pet names for each other. In S1E6:

Steve: When I say, “Book ’em, Danno,” it’s a term of endearment. Danny: OK. Do it every day. I like it.

Danny first refers to Steve as “babe” in S1E10. He says it’s a Jersey thing, but he never refers to Chin as “babe” or Kono (who would probably shoot him for it). Sometimes Steve parrots back with a “babe” of his own. They do this in front of other people who don’t know them, usually men, usually men who look like they have no idea what to do with these two crazy cops.

Kono calls Steve “boss” or “McGarrett” and Danny is always “Danny.” Chin calls them by their first or last names. No one calls Danny “Danno” except for Danny’s children, because it’s a nickname Grace bestowed on him.

They flirt. See S1E13:

Steve: We're gonna tear into this guy's life and we're gonna rip it all apart. Danny: I have never liked you more than in this moment right now. It’s beautiful.

Substitute “I have never been more turned on than in this moment right now,” and you’re in an action movie where the guy is hitting on the badass woman.

Or in S2E1:

Danny: Why are you smiling at me? Steve: You’re not wearing a tie. It suits you.

There was also the thong incident. While in a party bus investigating a case (S4E6), Danny finds a discarded g-string, he holds it up to show Steve, and Steve says, “You gonna get an evidence bag, or are you gonna put that thing on?” For a second you can see on Danny’s face that he thinks Steve might be serious.

They know each other in ways that you only people you are intimate with. Danny has a catalogue of Steve’s looks.

Meanwhile Steve catalogs Danny’s tones of voice. Hell, Danny knows Steve’s favorite kind of frosting when he surprises him with a birthday cake. They open up to each other about their pasts in a way that we don’t (or rarely) see them do with anyone else. They communicate with each other nonverbally. They read each other. By season 7, they recognize each other’s moods and use that knowledge to encourage them to talk about what’s on their mind.

This certainly could be best friend behavior. Or it could be the result of their couples therapy (really).

Like I said, maybe they don’t have a sexual relationship, but they also touch each other a lot.

They don’t do this with other characters that they are friends with. Sometimes Steve will put his hand on Chin’s shoulder. Everyone on the team is a hugger. They’re all close. They’re ohana. But it’s different.

Steve and Danny sit really close to each other on couches. In season 3’s Halloween episode (S3E5), they watch The Notebook together on the couch. Steve’s girlfriend Cath is on the opposite end, Grace next to her. Then Danny. Then Steve on the end. He puts his arm around the back of the couch and Danny snuggles next to him. (It was apparently Scott Caan’s idea to do this.)

In S2E8, Steve shows up at Danny’s apartment, puts his arm around the back of the couch behind Danny and they watch Enemy Mine together.

They almost always sit next to each other when the whole group is together. They danced together at Kono’s wedding (S6E1). Not a group dance, this was arms around each other, holding hands, dancing like a couple. I have never seen two straight males friends do this, and I know plenty of straight men who are openly affectionate with their male friends.

One of my favorite moments happened in S4E3 where they are in a warehouse after a shootout, and Danny needs zip ties, so he walks toward Steve, who just lifts his arm as he crosses the warehouse in the other direction to give Danny access to the pocket on his tac vest. Danny grabs the zip ties while they both keep walking. It’s a practiced dance of bodily familiarity. Again, this could be because they work together closely. Steve and Kono have a silent language sometimes when they’re taking down bad guys, but they share a certain cold-blooded killer instinct that Danny and Chin don’t, but it’s not the same as a physical familiarity.

Danny knows Steve’s blood type. He gives Steve part of his liver in S6E25 (after he goes on a cold, uncharacteristic, ballistic rampage against the guy who shot Steve). They will put their lives on the line for the other and directly in harm’s way. They will go all over the world to find the other at all costs.

Danny went to North Korea to rescue Steve (S2E10). Because Jenna knew that Danny was Steve’s person to call in an emergency. She could have called HQ. She didn’t. She called Danny.

Danny went to Afghanistan to bring Steve back after he is captured by the Taliban and rescued by the Army, who didn’t know he was there (S4E20). And Danny gets super defensive when the Army officers who hold Steve try to get him to leave the room. Steve is surprised Danny is there, he asks Danny why he came, and Danny says, “I had to make sure you were okay.” Steve looks so touched in that moment, because it was the first time anyone done something like that for him.

Danny goes with Steve to a random location in the Cambodian jungle to dig up a grave, because it gave Steve a clue into his mother’s identity and past that is haunting Steve (S4E18).

Steve went to Colombia to with Danny to try to find Danny’s brother (S5E4) and later to get Danny out of Colombian prison (S5E18). He gets on a fundamental level that Danny has to get revenge for his brother, and he knows that it’s going to hurt Danny.

My point is that they really seem like a couple.

Danny goes with Steve to a doctor’s appointment in S7E20. He is in the exam room with Steve while the doctor comes in. He asks questions like a spouse. He makes the doctor tell Steve the same thing that he has been telling him in the hopes that he’ll listen to the doctor. They also have a conversation about playing doctor, because Danny is messing around with the doctor’s equipment.

Danny: Now, would you please do me this one favor. Steve: No, I will not bend over and cough with your cold hands. Danny: It’s not that kind of test.

Note that Steve’s objection is the coldness of the hands, not the hands.

Danny enters Steve’s house without knocking. Steve enters Danny’s apartment without knocking. Danny cooks in Steve’s kitchen. And then there was this in S1E24:

Steve: I’ll take powdered eggs over your eggs any day. Danny: You love my eggs. Steve: They’re terrible, Danny.

Why would Danny be making Steve eggs? Who cooks their work friend breakfast food?

5. Defying Heteronormativity

The show hits on a lot of the typical heteronormative romantic TV/movie tropes with Steve and Danny’s relationship.

Agents dating, on a stakeout, undercover—this happens in particular when Steve opens up to Danny about his stunted emotional growth during a stakeout, to which Danny responds by buying Steve a guitar.

Anguished/dying declaration of love: When they are trapped under a building together (S4E19) and when they are dealing with a uranium bomb (S7E18) (more on those below).

Like an old married couple: Again, numerous examples of this.

Belligerent sexual tension: Danny rants at Steve all the time, and Steve argues back, you keep waiting for Janeane Garofalo to jump in and say, “Would the two of you just do it and get it over with? I'm starving!”

Innocent cohabitation: Steve lets Danny stay at his place for a while after Danny’s apartment gets destroyed, Danny sleeps with the TV on (which drives Steve crazy) to drown out the noise of the ocean (which drives Danny crazy), so he buys Danny super expensive noise-canceling headphones from a store clerk who gives him the “partner?” face (S2E9).

Love at first punch: Danny punches Steve in the face in the first episode (S1E1).

But it isn’t entirely heteronormative. Sometimes you run into the “which one is the more feminine one” stereotype when you see gay couples portrayed on TV. You might be tempted to think that H50 plays into this and that Danny is more feminine because he’s sometimes called the nagging wife, and because Steve is a Navy SEAL and Steve really is the central character of the show.

But when you look closer, Danny shows more overt signs of traditional hetero-masculinity than Steve does. His primary emotional response to anything is anger. He goes alpha male protective over his kids to the point of causing others bodily harm. He falls asleep in front of the TV, wakes up when Steve turns it off and says “I was watching that.” He’s the one who sometimes leers at women, is distracted by bikini models. He fathered two children. He is coded as straight.

Steve meanwhile always looks women in the eye. He is either very reserved or he is more individual, person-centric in his choosing of romantic or sexual partners. Given that his old nickname was “smooth dog” (still not sure if that was a joke or not, because Steve is also a huge dork) you get the feeling that he used to be more of a lothario, but doesn’t do that anymore. Maybe he was overcompensating. He is also, in spite of his hard exterior, extremely thoughtful and compassionate. He’s also nags Danny about Danny being a slob after Danny house sits for him. He’s a control freak--usually the accusation given to women.

He also remembers down to the day how long he and Danny have been partners (this happens multiple times over the course of the show).

It wouldn’t be a stretch to consider that maybe Steve is bi or gay, but was closeted while serving in the Navy. You see him in two relationships with women on the show, and both women are not traditionally feminine. Catherine was great. She was absolutely likable. She was a Naval officer, she likes her steaks rare, she drinks beer, she shoots guns. She was competent, confident, and kind of a badass. She was perfect for Steve, and I could roll with it. I like Lynn, too. She’s tough, a thrill-seeker, well-matched for Steve, someone he can do things with that Danny wouldn’t do.

It takes a little mental gymnastic work, it does, but they might just have an open relationship. It works for some people. And it would make Hawaii Five-0 a really progressive show if they went there.

There’s the Rachel issue to contend with. Steve seems upset when he finds out that Danny and Rachel started sleeping together again at the end of season 1. Mostly because Danny didn’t tell him. But in the end, Danny actually chooses Steve over Rachel. Steve gets arrested, and, even though Danny is supposed to meet Rachel and Grace at the airport, he goes to Steve instead.

The writers are teasing Rachel and Danny getting back together, which I vehemently oppose. They tried it twice, Rachel lied to Danny, she resents his job, they don’t work together. It also throws off my narrative a little, even though I think Rachel actually likes Steve, so maybe Danny is going to break Steve’s heart and I will never forgive the writers.

Steve and Cath never really defined their relationship. Though Steve did plan to propose to her, and Danny encouraged it. That doesn’t really kill my theory, though, because I think Danny probably loved Cath, too. Marriage would have been the only way to keep Cath in Hawaii, but marriage wouldn’t have precluded Danny and Steve from still being together in some capacity. Because Cath accepted Danny’s role in Steve’s life. In one episode (S3E17), Cath buys Steve tickets to the Pro Bowl, but Steve already had tickets for him and Danny. Cath just took Kono instead and teased Danny and Steve about their date. In the end, Steve gets injured on a case and can’t go. Danny could still go, but chooses to stay with Steve at the hospital instead. Danny has always been more important to Steve than even Cath was.

I do think part of Danny still likes the idea of a nuclear family, because he’s a parent. But he’s not necessarily a monogamist, though. As evidenced by the fact that he started sleeping with Rachel when she was still married. (Presumably Rachel was already planning to leave Stan, but Danny gets upset when he thinks his sister is cheating on her husband in a later episode, so I don’t know. But hypocrite much, Danno?)

Now you have them in more of a polyamorous situation. They give each other dating advice, but it’s sort of like telling your crush what you would like them to do to woo you. It’s sort of like they are the primary couple and they are negotiating how to deal with the open part of their relationship. Maybe they still both prefer sleeping with women. Danny seems to lean more that way. Maybe they do the commitment, companionship thing with each other. Maybe whatever they have together is new and they’re still working through it.

In S7E16, they “accidentally” spend Valentine’s Day weekend together. They’re with their respective girlfriends, but they end up spending most of the weekend together, and it was their girlfriends who booked the vacation, the adjoining rooms, and they seem more interested in hanging out with each other than they do Danny and Steve.

When the four of them have dinner together at the end of the episode on the beach in a romantic setting, Steve and Danny are sitting next to each other and Lynn and Melissa are on the other side of the table. Earlier in the day, Danny had apologized to Melissa for something and she says, “I knew what I was getting into.”

It’s also worth noting that the steamy love scenes we get on screen are between Kono and Adam and between Chin and Abby. You see Cath and Steve making out pretty heavily once, fully clothed, and you see them in bed together, but Steve and Lynn never even kiss. You see Danny and Melissa in bed together, but it’s only ever implied.

Whatever else, this show does challenge heteronormative stereotypes on some level.

6. The Evidence of Affection

They regularly say “I love you” to each other. Sometimes there’s a “bro” or “buddy” added, but it almost always sounds awkward. You feel like they know other people are watching so they don’t go for it. Most of the time. Sometimes there’s more feeling behind it. “I love you,” I thought I was going to lose you. Sometimes they say “I love you” in the way that you say thank you after you convince your spouse to do an unpleasant chore.

Steve takes Danny on a date (a hike, whatever) in S1E20 to show him cliffs that he used to climb and petroglyphs that his dad used to take him to when he was a kid. This is a big deal, because Steve is opening up about his family. He even suggests that they take Grace there when she’s older. Danny, who complains just to complain, reluctantly agrees that “it’s nice.” It’s kind of romantic.

Steve ends up falling when he goes to check on another fallen climber. Steve breaks his arm in the process but is more worried about Danny being careful when he climbs to the summit of their hike to get cell service. Help does arrive. As the helicopter takes him away, Danny makes a heart sign at him. Maybe it was a joke. But at the end of the episode, he gets jealous when a woman comes up to sign Steve’s cast.

But when Danny thought they were going to die under the collapsed building (mentioned at the beginning, in S4E19), there was no joking around. Again,

Danny: When we were in there, you said ah, y'know before you did the thing with the bomb, you said what you said ... I want you to know, I feel the same way. Steve: How is that exactly? Danny: You're making me say it? (Steve gives him a look) Come here. (they hug) I love you. Steve: I love you, buddy.

Take out the “buddy” and re-read that. I’ll wait.

In S7E18, there is a uranium bomb that Danny and Steve have to removed the uranium from and then take to another location. The bomb is volatile, and they have to take it across uneven terrain in an old truck. Before Steve starts the car, he tells Danny he loves him. Danny doesn’t say it back right then, he panics. But after Steve gets the uranium out, Danny apologizes, “Look, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” Told him about his retirement plans? Told him that he loved him? Who’s to say?

My all-time favorite line is in S5E12 when Steve starts helps out a teenager, Nahele, who stole his car but was really just dealt a shitty hand in life:

Danny: You know what you are? You’re a half-baked cookie, soft and gooey on the inside. Kid should be in juvenile hall, and you go and you give him a job  That’s why I love you, babe. You like fixing broken toys.

You don’t always see portrayals of male friendships that are so openly affectionate or willing to say they love one another, and I don’t want to diminish that, I really don’t. Familial love and platonic love are no less important than romantic love. As someone who identifies on the aro spectrum, this is important to me. But you get plenty of solid platonic relationships on the show.

Steve and Chin also have a strong relationship—Steve totally loses it when Chin is strapped with explosives in S1E12. He breaks into a police evidence room and steals $10 million to save Chin’s life. We find out in a flashback scene that after Chin’s wife dies, that Steve would regularly call him in the middle of the night and invite him out for coffee at the diner near Chin’s house, and he would sit with him in companionable silence in the middle of the night. That is friendship. That is love.

But it’s still not the same as it is with Danny. It’s more like you would expect a brotherhood, family, or a close friendship.

Steve and Kono’s relationship is probably my favorite on the show, because Steve neither treats her like a sister nor as a sexual object. Danny leers at Kono the first time he meets her. Eric hits on her, Sang Min hits on her. Steve treats her like a peer. They’re friends, but there is a mutual respect that you rarely get between men and women in real life.

7. More Than Ohana

So, maybe they’re just family. Maybe.

They go to couples counseling—I am not making this up; they literally go to couples counseling—because they have communication problems that affect their working relationship. They also argue about money. These are the two classic problems that romantic couples argue about.

Danny always pays when they go out and would like Steve to stop conveniently forgetting his wallet. Steve doesn’t share his feelings enough. Danny feels like Steve doesn’t listen to him. Danny is the nagging one in the couple (in S1E13, he even admits this, “I don’t want to be a nag, but…”). But Steve is the control freak (as Danny regularly points out, as Steve himself says in S7E18 When he exposes himself to the uranium so Danny doesn’t have to). They’re both worrywarts, particularly about the other, and about Danny’s daughter.

Steve goes to pick up Grace from school in the first season (S1E23) like he’s her step-father, because Danny is in the hospital. He didn’t talk to Danny about it—all he knew was that the doctor said he was going to be okay. He already knew it was Danny’s day to get Grace.

The way they know each other is intimate.

There is a scene in S7E14 where Danny and Chin watch Steve have a conversation on the phone, and Danny gives commentary, knowing the gist of the conversation based on Steve’s body language,

Danny: His mouth has not moved in three and a half minutes. Chin: You know, maybe she's got him on hold. Danny: No. No. His nostrils are flaring. He's pacing like a maniac. And he just switched the phone from his right hand to his left hand, which means he wants to punch something. Chin: Well, you know your boy well.

In addition to the counseling, which is not just a one episode gag (no, really, they have a workbook), Steve “accidentally” books them a couple’s counseling retreat. It’s almost as if he wanted Danny to see that they are a couple, but then he chickened out.

They talk to each other like a couple. There are so many examples of this, I don’t know where to start.

When Danny’s mom comes to visit (S6E15), Steve offers to come down to keep Danny company because she is driving Danny crazy. This was after Steve met her and was overwhelmed by her and Danny’s bickering that he escaped.

Steve: What could the FBI possibly want with your mother? Danny: I have no idea. Why do you think I’m calling you? Steve: Did you ask her? Danny: Of course I asked her. What kind of stupid question is that? Steve: Whoa. Why are you getting mad at me?

Because he recognizes that Danny is upset about something else and projecting. After Danny explains why he’s upset (counseling works!), Steve responds with “You want me to come down there? I’ll come down there.” He’s working a case, but he would drop everything to run interference with Danny’s mother.

Steve cares about Danny’s daughter and son as if they are his family. And you can write it off along with the theme of “ohana,” you could, but by  season 7, Steve and Danny are basically co-parents. Steve goes to the governor to help Danny keep his custody agreement in season 1. When Danny gets taken to Colombia, he asks Steve to talk to Grace. Steve does, and the way he talks to Grace it’s clear that he respects her enough not to lie to her.

In S4E14, the whole group is together, including Grace, celebrating the end of a case. Steve pulls Danny away from the group under the guise of bringing back drinks for everyone just so he can tell Danny what a good kid Grace is. The way Steve looks at her is with fatherly pride.

When Grace’s school dance is held hostage in S7E8, Steve is absolutely frantic until he sees that Grace is okay. He calls out her name like a concerned father, and when she sees him, she races to him to give him a hug. When they separate, Steve looks at Danny and asks, “No hug?”

Danny says, “I’ll give you a hug. I’ll give you a kiss. You pick a base.” Then the three of them walk together, Danny with an arm around them each. I want a scene where Grace’s friends ask her who her dad’s hot boyfriend is. Because you know it happened.

In S7E23, Steve helps Danny decorate Charlie’s bedroom (at Danny’s house? At Steve’s? I can’t tell.). Danny is dealing with protecting a witness (he also leads Steve--not the team, Steve personally--on a wild goose chase around Oahu to track the men who want to silence the witness, which amounts to him ordering Steve around until Steve drives his truck through a house to stop the bad guys), so Steve finishing building Charlie’s race car bed. He plays race car driver with Charlie before bedtime, he tucks him in, brushes his hair off his face, and wishes him goodnight. Like a parent.

Their families talk about them like they’re partners. Hell, Steve takes Danny as his date to Steve’s aunt’s wedding.

In S2E19, Steve’s sister Mary runs into them at the beach as they are coming in from surfing. She asks, “So you guys are like surf buddies now?” And Steve says, “Kind of.”

It’s meant to be on the surface a comment on Danny’s surfing ability, I think, but the awkwardness of it doesn’t account for that. After Mary leaves, Danny says, “So we’re surf buddies now.” The ensuing argument that you can fill in goes something along the lines of: you can’t tell her we’re seeing each other? It is the natural next line in that conversation. “Surf buddies” is like the male version of “gal pals.”

When Danny’s sister comes to visit, she knows who Steve is because Danny talks about him a lot. She says “Mom said you were a catch.” But you don’t get the feeling that she means a catch for her.

The clincher for me was in S7E18 (the uranium episode).

He and Danny have an argument in front of students at the police academy until Duke intervenes. Steve read a list that Danny left on his desk full of things he likes, things like traveling (which Steve points out that Danny always complains when they travel together). Steve calls Danny out for keeping something from him and offers to talk about it, and Danny gets mad because Steve invaded his privacy by looking at the list. The next scene you see Steve talking on the phone to Chin trying to get his assessment of the situation.

We find out that it’s a list of things that Danny would like to do when he retires. Steve gets upset. In the “I thought we would always be together, please don’t leave me” type of way.

Again, “You didn’t feel the need to include me in the decision for you to retire. I trust you to bring me into big decisions like that.”

In the ensuing conversation, Steve compares his relationship to Danny with Danny’s first marriage. Danny says that maybe he wants to open a restaurant after he retires. Steve is incredulous, but by the end of the episode, after they’ve both survived, Steve wants him to name it “Steve’s, “because if we’re not together, we’ll still be together.” Steve is so co-dependent on Danny I could write a separate essay about it. To show his support, Steve even buys Danny a monogrammed chef’s hat in S7E25.

The last scene of S7E18, when Lou tells Steve that HPD was the target of the uranium bomb, you see Steve turn and look at everyone eating dinner in the house (McGarrett’s house. Where Danny was cooking.), and the camera following Steve’s gaze focuses on Danny.

8. McDanno Forever

I can work with the girlfriends and the apparent heterosexuality. I can work with the “bro”s and “buddy”s. My point is that if the writers started writing out the women as love interests and wrote in a few more domestic scenes with Steve and Danny, it wouldn’t take away from the show. In fact, I don’t think anyone would notice anything was different. Because it wouldn’t actually be different.

It also genuinely wouldn’t feel out of character for Danny to finally figure out that he and Steve have actually been together together for years without him realizing it. Steve, of course, knew all along.  

But it also wouldn’t surprise me if they are already knowingly in a committed but open relationship. One that maybe started with sex but ended up as life partners of some sort, because however you want to define it, Danny is very clearly the most important person in Steve’s life. And Danny clearly relies on, depends on, trusts and loves Steve.

You can actually hear the reactions when they tell everyone.

Lou: *nearly falls over laughing*

Chin: “Yeah, we know, brah.”

Kono: “Everyone knows.”

Jerry: “Worst kept secret since The Flash’s identity.”[3]

[1] Originally posted on Wordpress here. Title is a quote from Danny regarding the level he reached on Pac-Man. Also, all photos and were taken from google searches, and probably the property of CBS. [2] There’s a lot more to say about this. Diversity without tokenism is really important to me, and some day I'll write something about it. [3] Granted, Wally West told everyone he was The Flash, but then he outed Barry Allen in the process...

[frivoloussuits]

Oxymora, and Other Literary Devices

Summary: Louis and Harvey have always been too alike for their own good. Word Count: ~1.7K Ships: Louis/Harvey, Mike/Harvey

Features lots of pining + spoilers for S07E03.

Antagonist Louis does not cower in the library-- he would never cower. He does however make a strategic retreat to the back shelves on the third floor, where the fifth-graders won’t find him, where he can peruse the English language’s finest masterpieces in peace.

He turns time and again to Shakespeare, reveling in the drama and the soliloquies.

He finds himself sympathizing with the antagonists.

Foils Louis has always been fascinated by foils—characters written to match one another. Sometimes foils are utter opposites, but sometimes they’re nearly identical, and only the subtlest difference in character or position sets them forever at one another’s throats.

Louis sees a kindred spirit in Harvey from the day they meet. They’re both sharp and hungry, young and dangerous. They both hurl barbs and taunts indiscriminately. Louis suspects they are both hiding something decent, something sorrowful, down in their core.

They are so like each other-- they love to win. And when Louis and Harvey join forces, they inevitably raze their competition.

Meter Shakespeare is known for writing in iambic pentameter, but in truth he only bestowed that honor on his noblest characters—the rest spoke in free verse, without any rhythm to drive their speech.

Harvey does not constrain himself to iambic pentameter, would laugh at the idea. But there is undoubtedly a rhythm to his speech, giving each statement acoustic punch. His sentences are short and forceful and to-the-point, and in them Louis hears music of their own.

Play on, he finds himself thinking. Play on.

Asyndeton Sometimes a speaker will omit a conjunction for the sake of flow or emphasis. Such an omission is termed “asyndeton.”

Aloud, Louis only ever speaks of “Pearson Specter Litt,” yet he dares more in his fantasies. He dreams of “Specter Litt,” or perhaps “Specter-Litt,” or even “Litt Specter.” Never “Specter and Litt,” thank you very much. Their names will be as close as two names can be.

Foreshadowing “Don’t bother me, Louis.”

“But I need a new perspective on this contract, or else I’m going to have to go back to my client and tell them that I failed.”

“I’m sorry, did I give you the impression that I care?”

Protagonist Though Louis makes partner first, he knows it’s only because Harvey took the high road. He knows Jessica was rooting for Harvey. He knows partnership was Harvey’s to lose.

Because Harvey is loved, Harvey is golden, Harvey rolls in dirt and comes up clean. And though Louis wins just as often, though he lies and schemes and lashes out only a little more often, he is left out in the cold, because Harvey is the chosen one, the hero of this story.

Subtext Louis has long since mastered Shakespearean obscenities. He knows everything about nothing, being possessed of a magnificent wit and a more than passing understanding of country matters. He is a cunning linguist, a prince of more than one sort of cat.

He has not so thoroughly mastered the vulgar terms of his own day, and so he throws them into conversations entirely on accident, not noticing the sexual connotations until long afterwards. Those terms frequently take on a decidedly homoerotic slant. He chooses not to interpret those too carefully.

Where Harvey uses innuendo-- always on purpose, and often homoerotic-- Louis inevitably notices.

Rising Action Daniel and Jessica constantly pit Harvey and Louis against each other, and the similarities that make them brilliant allies spark the bitterest of rivalries. They swagger around the office in increasingly expensive suits, circling each other, spying on one another, playing each other with the moves and the cruelty they once reserved for opposing counsel.

Reversal They each strive to surpass the other, overturning the balance of power between them on a daily basis, occasionally overturning peace in the firm at large.

Louis finds his previous affection for Harvey fading, hardening into a superiority complex, even as his therapist reminds him that superiority complexes are often joined to the reverse.

Allusion They weren’t always at war, Louis remembers. Surely they were friends once.

Time and time again, Louis tries to cross the no-man’s land and meet Harvey on his own ground. He knows that, the same way he breathes ballet and Shakespeare, Harvey breathes sports and action flicks and slightly old music, and so Louis learns about those and throws in allusions and tries to speak the Harvey Specter language.

Harvey’s appreciation inevitably sours to mocking.

Cycle Louis screws up. Harvey lashes out. Louis lashes out harder.

On rare occasions, Harvey makes the first mistake, or lashes out in more dramatic fashion than Louis. On even rarer occasions, one or both of them will apologize or pretend to change.

Then the story starts all over again.

Soliloquy? Louis monologues to his Dictaphone, alone in his office, yet he can’t help feeling Harvey’s presence like-- well. Like a specter.

It’s no doubt a trick of Louis’ active imagination, but he feels Harvey everywhere, sees his scowl, hears his judgements, always caustic or, worse, disappointed.

The only other person who matters is Harvey. Louis only wins when he gets more than Harvey-- more billable hours, more new clients, more praise from Jessica. Because he hates Harvey, he declaims for hours on his smug smile, his perfect hair, his infuriatingly wrinkle-free face. Because he hates Harvey, Louis defines his own life entirely in relation to him.

Chekov’s Gun When Harvey hurls him into the coffee table, Louis is half-shocked at the violence and half-shocked it took this long.

Maybe Harvey didn’t really mean to set Louis off when he slept with Esther. On some level, Louis didn’t really mean to goad Harvey so far in response. But they’re drawing on years of study, years of memorizing all each other’s tells and fears, and so they each know where childhood insecurities have left cracks in the other’s otherwise formidable ego. They draw on all their knowledge and press where it hurts.

Of course the explosion nearly destroys them.

Polysyndeton Where “asyndeton” means “unconnected,” “polysyndeton” means “having many connections.”

They have the same anxiety and panic attacks, and they put on the same shows of heartlessness, and they hold the same fierce love for and loyalty to what’s theirs, and they both blunder through romances without finding anyone who will stay, and they both accomplish their professional dreams and go home to lonely apartments and wait for something more.

Dream Sequence Louis has never cared for dream sequences-- they’re too blatant, and he’d rather learn of a character’s deep subconscious desires through their waking actions than through a convenient nighttime tell-all.

Then the mudmare hits.

“We’re the only name partners now, Louis. And I meant it when I said it-- I want us to share things like this.”

“I can’t tell you how happy this makes me.”

He’s naked. In a room with Harvey. Also naked. And while Louis focuses on the part where they’re already in their separate tubs when he describes the scene to his therapist, his dream includes several visuals from earlier in the process.

“You’re not going to do the other thing you told me you did in the mud, are you?” Harvey’s voice is soft, richer than the mud surrounding them, worth bathing in in its own right.

“Harvey, I told you, that was a one-time thing. And believe me, you’re no Missy Dietler.”

It’s true-- Harvey is not Missy Dietler. Louis would never thus profane Harvey’s presence. Not without enthusiastic consent.

Then Alex strolls in and exiles Louis, because only he can mud with Harvey, and Louis protests because Harvey’s always argued mudding was “weird for male friends.” Clearly, Louis should be Harvey’s first.

“So Alex says, ‘But Harvey and I are more than just friends,’” Louis reports. “We’re best friends.”

He’s edited that last line in the version he gives his therapist, but the truth is blatantly obvious regardless.

Perhaps his waking actions have been screaming that truth for years.

Recognition He can’t possibly ignore it, not after he snaps at his therapist and blasts him with misaimed rage, rage that he truly feels at Harvey.

Rage that turns to sobbing, because Harvey will never, ever see.

Falling Action Louis sees too clearly, now. And though he has approached every previous love with a blend of paranoia and hope and hyperactivity, he can’t summon anything but heartbreak for Harvey.

He demands more of Harvey, demands to be treated as a friend and ally and an equal, yet he knows he’s never going to have what he desires.

And even as Harvey does better, actually listening to his advice, and spending hours in his company without being held at gunpoint by Jessica, and laughing with him instead of at him for the first time in years, Louis’ heart falls.

Irony Louis doesn’t see until the bachelor party.

He’s the only one remotely sober by the end-- Mike’s enjoying his special night to the fullest, and Harvey’s drinking at a rate that’s surprisingly fast, even for him-- and so he notices how Harvey’s smile keeps slipping whenever Mike looks away.

“Hey--” he sits down beside Harvey at the end of the night-- “Harvey, you okay?”

“You have no goddamn idea,” he slurs, “what it’s like.”

“What what’s like?”

“Being in love with someone you can’t have.”

“Ah.”

“I mean-- nobody else thinks like us. Nobody else wins like us.”

“You and Mike are a formidable pair.”

“We’re a pair, we . . . We match. Nobody else fits him like I fit him. And I hate all this caring and feeling, but I put up with it for him. I feel so goddamn much. For him.” He downs the rest of his shot and shakes his head, muttering, “You wouldn’t get it.”

They’ve always been too alike for their own good.

Resolution Louis loves stories for their endings-- in a Shakespearean comedy, the bad guys end up humiliated or imprisoned or dead, and the good guys end up happily married. It’s terribly predictable, and he appreciates the neatness.

Real life offers no such resolution.

Oxymoron A Greek term for a contradictory phrase, literally meaning, "clever foolishness.”

[cookinguptales]

So I ended up being so bummed out about the shorts that I neglected to do a write-up for The Lego Batman Movie, which I saw the same day. But TLBM came up like 5 times on my dash today bc bigoted critics are lambasting it for being “pro-gay” so I thought it’d be a good time to talk about how much I enjoyed it! I don’t think I liked it quite as much as the original Lego Movie, but it wasn’t really trying to be the same kind of movie as TLM. It wasn’t quite aiming for that meta angle, and I don’t think it necessarily needed to. It was just a super fun movie -- and one that was really gratifying in some ways to someone who got really burned out on the comics.

Full review and slight spoilers below the cut.

So the basic plot of the movie is what you’d gather from the trailers: Batman (aka Bruce Wayne) is a weird reclusive loner who lives in his giant mansion/bat cave with no one but the butler who raised him, and he has to learn to stop doing shit himself and being such a goddamn asshole. It was kind of nice because he was constantly called out on the stuff that he’s gotten away with doing in a lot of Bat media. Barbara Gordon talking about how he never created lasting institutional/structural solutions to problems, but instead fed his ego by punching poor people felt really good haha. (More on Babs later.) It’s your basic “dickhead has to learn how to use social skills” film, but with a lot of humor and heart that prevents it from getting sappy. And Batman seriously never gets away with his bullshit. He is constantly called on the way he hurts people, and instead of the somewhat shallow lip service that has always been paid to his antihero status, I felt like this film really interacted with those ideas on a hopeful and emotional level. He wasn’t treated like a villain because he was ~dark and brooding~. He was treated like a villain because he went off half-cocked because of his own issues, and because he didn’t care who he hurt in the process. It wasn’t just a story about Batman learning to make friends -- it’s a story about Batman learning to set aside his own ego so he can work together with public officials to create long-term stability and safety for the town he purports to care about. It’s a movie that calls for kindness, compassion, and accountability in crime-fighting -- and in a world torn with debates about increased militarization and police brutality, that’s a conversation that’s pretty damn important.

The audience is there for a comedy, though, and the movie is hilarious. I was cracking up before the movie even technically started, because Batman’s narration and criticism of all the production logos was great. And I basically kept laughing the entire time. The movie pokes loving fun at pretty much every kind of Batman media that exists, from the biggest blockbuster movie to the smallest limited run mini, and there are tons of sly little jokes that will make a comics fan laugh. (No spoilers, but one of the more overt and more hilarious comics jokes was basically the entire Nightwing segment. It is not to be missed.) The characters are all incredibly endearing, especially a shockingly adorable Robin, and I genuinely enjoyed watching them go on their batshit adventures. I won’t give away where the plot goes, but I will say that things just kept escalating until I was impressed (and cracking up) at how bizarre things got. Just really, thoroughly enjoyable. The slapstick humor and mile-a-minute jokes could have gotten old very quickly, but the warmth and heart really helped pull things together.

The interpretations of the characters were all pretty interesting. Robin’s childlike wonder and naivete was really emphasized, whereas Alfred’s RAF background came quickly to the fore. Barbara Gordon was perhaps the most interesting interpretation of them all. As a disabled ex-comics fan, I’ve always had pretty complicated feelings about Barbara and I was nervous going into this. I will say right now that as far as I could tell, there were no real allusions made to Oracle in this film. I am bummed about that. Babs made the transition to Oracle before I was even born, and her journey has been important to me. (But I guess that’s a rant for another day.) But the Barbara that was introduced in TLBM wasn’t really Batgirl, either, despite allusions being made to the moniker. She’s the new commissioner of Gotham City, and she’s strong, fierce, intelligent, and committed to making structural changes to Gotham’s criminal justice system in order to create a safer environment for both Gotham’s innocent citizens and its seedier ones. She refuses to just delegate her duties to Batman, and she believes that things can be so much better than they have been -- and she’ll work hard to accomplish that. Perhaps most striking of all, despite Batman’s obvious infatuation with her, she does not reciprocate his advances. She wants to be his ally and his friend, but she is her own woman. (”If you call me Batgirl, does that mean I can call you Batboy?”) She’s not the protagonist of this film (and after three lego franchise films, they really are due for a female protagonist) but she’s also no sidekick. She advocates for responsibility, but she’s not the ~boring nag~ that female characters are often reduced to. She’s the voice of hope and reason in a culture of toxic masculinity, and Batman has to realize that her ideas are just as important, if not more, than his. She wasn’t Oracle, but I found that I still ended up really loving this version of Barbara.

Finally, all that gay shit! As I said, Batman has an obvious crush on Barbara. But he definitely has an overtly homoerotic relationship with the Joker, too. Their foemance is constantly put in terms of a relationship, with the main thrust of the plot being inspired by the Joker wanting Batman to pay more attention to him and treasure him as his most important adversary -- frankly, the Joker wants to be Batman’s most important person. I was tickled to find after I got home that I was not the only person that half-expected a kiss in one of their final tension-laden scenes. If Batman had to grow to appreciate his family (re: Robin and Alfred) and his political allies (re: Barbara), he also had to grow to appreciate the Joker, and perhaps in a more heated and intimate way than any of the others. It really is a story about their relationship, strange as that sounds. It’s not a canon gay pairing. Batman has a thing for Barbara, and the Joker and Harley are a (remarkably healthy and cute) item. But damn if it’s not basically rolling around in all that subtext. It’s the kind of film a fanficcer would have a field day with, frankly. There’s a lot of room for exploration. (Basically, if you like Kate Beaton’s Nemesis comics, you’ll like the Batman/Joker relationship in this film.)

Hilariously, the other potential pairing in this film is Bruce Wayne/Batman. It’s never directly stated, but I’m pretty sure Robin thought they were a thing for much of the movie. He definitely thought he was being co-parented by the two of them. And he was psyched! Robin loved having two dads! He went from having no dads to two dads! (“It’s raining dads!”) Like there is zero judgment from anyone about the concept of Robin having two adoptive fathers, even though it was never explicitly stated that people thought his two fathers were dating. (Related -- I kind of want to write fic about the Bruce/Batman that people lowkey thought was going on.) Like both of his dads were shitty, but that was clearly portrayed as a Batman thing, not a gay parenting thing. The film actually had strong messages about the importance of adoption, both by exploring Batman’s relationship with his new son and by exploring Alfred’s relationship with Batman.

tl;dr, the fundies aren’t crazy. The movie is definitely homoerotic and pro-gay parenting. AND I LOVED THAT.

Anyway, overall I really enjoyed the movie. It wasn’t the deepest film in the world, but it was really, really fun. I liked the plot and the characters and the jokes were great. There’s a lot there for both the passing fan of Batman and the superfans who’ve read comics for years. And frankly, it’s the kind of modern film that the franchise has needed for a while. It dissects some of the messages that have been put forth in many of the movies and comics that have starred Batman (and that have made him popular amongst angry wannabe grimdark vigilante dudes for decades) and shows why they’re actually quite dangerous on both a personal and societal level. Really good film.