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secretbangtnn · 4 years ago

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summary : Getting a letter from a very prestigious school was something that you could have never expect, and even more unexpected was that you didn’t need to pay a penny for it. Beautiful news that were too good to be true, but oh how stupid you were to not question such a perfect chance to get away from your shitty life.

notes:

Guys i would be more than happy for some feedback, its my first time writing in english and im more than nervous. Im not sure if what i wrote is good or even understandable. + i would be more than happy to start an ask game with this book

Chapter one

Living or in your case existing was always somehow calm. Everything you do had a plan and everyday had the same pattern, like a boring vase that stood in the same kitchen you actually were. Blue marble tiles awfully similar to tears that run down the woman's cheeks, making them a little bit more redder than before.

Not that they weren't that color before, always blushy and ready to be seen. And maybe that's why you had that sour taste in your mouth while watching them, knowing that your own were as beautifully red as hers.

"why?" a simple question sounding now like the last call for help. Voice groggy and nose runny making the sight before even more unbearable to look at. But why weren't you moved, why the tears didn't make you guality like they should. "you planned this?! You planned to leave me alone like a selfish bastard!"

Looking down didn't seem like the best option, knowing that it could just take the nerves in the room to a whole new level but you could not stop yourself. She was always one to guilt trip you into everything.

A little shout left the chapped mouth making you jump a little while lifting your head simultaneously. Sight before you seems to worsen and as you took a step back the woman took another two in the end catching your small wrist in her clawed hand.

Hissing and looking dead in her eyes made you somehow more conscious of the whole situation.

“I didn’t know.” and you really did not. Gritting your teeth so hard that it felt like some of them could fall out at any moment seems to stop you from doing sudden movements.

Breathe in and breathe out.

“Of course you think I am stupid! Just like your father, bringing me to insanity step by step. But that’s what you wanted from the beginning, am I right?”

“Stop being delusional mom” Oh how hard it was to say the name of that woman. Mother of child that she forgets most of the time, only to remember at the most shitty time. Today was exactly one of the examples of why your dream was just to wake up not seeing or better not having to think of that woman.

“Am i now? It’s you who wants me like this.” She laughed, throwing her head back in the motion. Elegant column of her neck now easy to see, showing purple and red marks similar to those from claws. “You thought I would not know, you thought you could just run away like a scared little child. Now tell me, how long were you planning this o-or maybe it was your father’s plan from the beginning.”

“I didn’t know about it, I didn’t even apply to any of the schools and you are the one that should know that.” toxicity leaked from your voice in big streams, but it was something that u could not stop at that moment. She was doing it again, acting crazy and psycho making everyone question why she wasnt getting hospital help yet.

“So you are saying that it’s my fault? You were supposed to care for me, for your ill mother, not that you are useful for anything else. How could you even think of disappearing, going to school so far away and leaving me to rot here myself like you were not meant to end like this too!”

Snatching your hand you looked at the woman once again, tears in eyes making you look fragile. Her own body looking weak, nearly dead limbs hanging from a malnourished body, showing the world wrack of a woman she was. Complexion ill looking, but what was not in her case, pale looking with green, purple and blue spots everywhere the skin was shown.

“Why are you being so shocked? Don’t tell me you thought you were going to leave someday.” Her laugh made you grit your teeth, jaw starting to hurt from the tension you were keeping. “Once again you showed how foolish you are, just like your father, just like that scumbag.”

“You are insane.”

“That we already know, so why don’t you come back to your room and start preparing for tomorrow. I want to eat a really nice breakfast next morning and maybe then after we can talk about what job you are going to have to make a living for us.”

And that was your sign to go, not looking back at the sick smirk on your mother mouth momocking your whole being. Step by step you saw the old stairs, in some place missing the color. Your room was nothing special, at least that what people said, for you it was some type of heaven. Peace that you could only catch while being there, laying on your old bed while looking at the dull ceiling.

Closing the door, you exchaled a heavy breath, sliding down on the flat surface of the door. Eyes closed like you have always done after an intense situation, today was not an exception to that.

Asking yourself what just happened, how and why. Unconsciously you looked at the letter beside you, laying so weirdly on the piece of not carpeted floor. The big fault in a little piece of paper. It was funny how this thing made such a bad influence on your life just by arriving on your doorstep.

The fact that the only person you could compare yourself to now is a story character of the name Harry was nearly not as funny as it sounded. However how u can explain getting a letter from a prestigious school you for sure did not apply or even looked up not even thinking about getting a scholarship to having a chance to think about it.

By any chance you were not stupid, but your ambitions flew away with another day in this shit hole you called home. Main reason being your own mother, which not only made it clear but for sure would kill you faster than let you leave.

You took the letter, keeping it in your hand like some unknown object you have never seen before. The texture itself is weird, making you shiver in some way. Big letter stood on the black piece of paper meaning only one thing.

Oh yes, that definitely was unsetting.

You remember clearly the first time you read the words that were put in this blank envelope. Big chance waiting for you, welcoming you with big arms and assuring you that you have nothing to be scared of.

And maybe those words were the one that brought you to that situation. It was not even three hours after the fight with your mother. Sun long down now moon shining on your pale face. Packing everything you tried to be quiet and quick hoping that your mother again ate too much of those big pills.

Big bag now laying down on your bed with a small letter beside it looking as innocent as before. You were not even seventeen making decisions that would cost you more then you can imagine. Living hell with possibility of going to another but in that moment nothing mattered like running away from old monsters.

Floor cracked under your feet even thought you were considered as a lightweight. How could you not be so malnourished when your mother forced you to teach yourself how to cook, never letting you eat before her. You tried to reason her moods or harsh behaviour to you but no matter how many times you tried it always ended in another reason why your life was just simply sad.

Running away was a good decision. You tried to say it so many times to actually believe in those empty words. The truth was that you were an innocent little child, not even a full adult that has never tasted a social life or had a friend.

“It will be alright.” Taste on your tongue after saying this a little sour with a heavy backpack danglin on your right arm. One step and then another, you touched the cold handle of your white doors. It was the first move to make and probably one of the hardest.

Bag on your arm is even more heavy making you realise what is happening. Silent breath flowed past your lips preparing you for your next step.

You pushed it closing it carefully while hoping that the oldish touch to the wood wont make an appearance in a loud noise. Silly smile now seen on your face with big relief in the back of your mind. The hardest part was just before you.

Your mothers room, not fully closed - like always, she needed to make sure nobody would come uninvited. It was just one of her weird characteristics that came with such a messed up mental health.

Small noise came out under your feet, not loud enough to wake up the woman next door but audible enough to be heard from closer.

Photos all around you telling you that you were getting near the main door. Little pictures with you inside faded from ears of hanging, making you stop for a while.

Smooth glass now under your fingers as you touch a specific photo. You and your mother being in the green garden of your grandmas. Happy vibe and pretty smiles now nearly unbelievable to witness on either of faces. It hurted or maybe it was just the adrenaline escaping from a sudden stop.

Oh how the sweet monet was quickly destroyed by the harsh noise from one of the rooms, and you exactly know which one. Loud thud rang out in the quietness of the house, making the silence even more noticable. Your breath escaped leaving you in a big ball of nerves and anxiety.

One...two...three

Silence like the one before big storms but maybe just this time it was not that. You couldn't withdraw now, you were too far and too close to the feeling of freeness. So you did the only thing that came to your mind.

Catching a sliding backpack, you turned to the door in front of you, knowing that just behind them is waiting something so much bigger than your old mother. How stupid for you to not rethink your decision, and believing your innocent mind that its just a good thing, better life that could only make you happier.

So you did it, you took the heavy steps that echoed in the narrow corridor. Light breeze touched your face, and just like the first time you gasped at the feeling. Door closing not that gently as you started running as fast as you could.

Silly smile now on your face with a bouncing bag on your shoulders keeping you on the hard ground. It was feeling similar to the first sight of the ocean or the first taste of sweet ice cream on a hot summery morning. You were in ecstasy choked by the overwhelming emotions.

And maybe because of that you were completely unaware of the danger that waited for you on that chilly night. How could you think about it when everything seemed so distracting almost as you were dreaming and in that moment you probably were closer to believing in this being a slumber.

So as you sat on the cold bench of one of the parks near your home, realization finally came silencing your beating heart. Colder weather now felt more real, as it bit your rosy cheeks. You shivered, keeping your backpack on your lap, trying to hide behind it from a chilly wind that seemed like it came from every side.

Being alone hit you like a truck and the little noises of the night didn't help your rising nerver. You started to lose your breath, feeling your tears sliding down your numb cheeks. It was terrifying now with the knowledge of your wellbeing and adrenaline wearing off with every second.

“Mom?” A silent plea that came out of your lips with shakiness that was more than noticeable. You didn't know why you said that, but the woman was probably the only person you knew. Such a sad truth that you needed to understand. You were alone now, and with that thought a more shameless sobs left your mouth with an occasional whimper.

You were sure you were going to end up dead. That you won't see the new sunset with how your body shivered. Not knowing how life worked or what is bad or good you were a little lamb that waited for hungry wolves to eat her whole.

And maybe one of those predators just saw his next meal. Long strides brought him just in front of you. Your sobs are too loud to make you hear his boots coming closer and closer. His breath just centimeters away from your head, brushing your hair like the not forgotten wind.

“Sweetheart?” It was a calming voice, not too deep but definitely belonging to a grown man. Your posture momentaly stiffened, as your closed eyes now looked at the big leather shoes before you. Your whole body is not moving, only shivering because of the chilly weather and light clothes. It was funny how suddenly you have forgotten about being alone, now wanting just this, wishing for all of this to be a big nightmare.

A deep sight left man's lips reminding you about the realness of the whole situation. You could not move, completely scared, your fingers clutched the bad praying for something to happen. The plan to just act like you were not there, ignoring the man fastly ended, when he sighted once again and crouched just to your eye level.

Deep brown eyes, looking at you with nothing but softness. If you didn’t know better you would say the man looked as if he knew you, cared and was in big relief finding you. But your mother's words echoed in your head, making you believe that every man walking on this planet is bad.

“What are you doing here sweetheart?” Once more this deep voice pierced you. Your mouth opens to answer, deeply knowing that nothing will come out. You just looked in his dark eyes, wishing that maybe he will be the one who can read minds. His eyes now on you, more concerned than before, observing your shivering body.

He was tall and broad for sure, towering over your figure surprisingly even while crouching down. His huge shoulders covered by a creamy coat which now was getting dirty by laying down on a pavement, as it partly hid his expensive looking boots.

Too distracted you didn't notice his hand coming to touch your red cheek, now gently stroking the redness of your skin.

“What a poor soul, so cold and left alone without a coat. Tell me sweetheart would you come and let me warm you a little?”

#poly bts #bts fic rec #bts fanfction #yandere bts #bts ot7 x reader #ot7 x reader #bangta boys #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #yoongi x you #namjoon fanfic #seokjin x oc #hoseok x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader

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jasasvimmojimmanama · 4 years ago

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A cry for help...I need some advice, please

Hi. So, I am really in a difficult situation, that is I don’t know what is going on with my boyfriend and I’m afraid we’re going to break up. I know it may seem silly, it something that happens all the time, but I feel so exhausted and I need to tell somebody my story, and maybe to have a second opinion.

I’ve had a difficult life, full of illnesses and losses. I have depression and some anxiety attacks, but I stopped seeing the therapist years ago because my family thought it was stupid. Now I am afraid to start again (plus I felt awkward) and I could not afford it. Anyway, I tried to manage it. I had ups and downs, but in the last two years I kind of started seeing some results. That is mainly because of my boyfriend.

On the one hand, I felt as if it was finally my time to be happy. I felt as if it was time for me to have a family, because my real family...is not a family. I have no contact with my family except for my dad and granny but I do not have a good relationship with them, especially not with my dad who is the main source of my mental illness. My bf gave me hope: he seemed to be in love with me, he talked about family, having kids, even kind of proposed, living together....and his family loved me.

On the other hand, he is quite focused on his life and his life only. He loves his family very much and he never seemed to include me fully in his life, not like he does with his family. He put me (it seems to be) in the last place. family, fake friends and work were more important. he preferred being with his friend the day of our anniversay than with me, he wanted to stay with his fam and not me on Chirstmas and his bday, when we started living together he went back home every weekend. he decided everything on his own or with his family....

I gave up my dreams and twisted my life for him because he didn’t want to move away from his city and he wasn’t ready to change his plans to see me. I did it because I believed in us, in his words and promises.

I kind of suffered a lot for his behavoir but never truly spoke to him. Well, I told him something, maybe how i felt but not everytime and not everything, but the things that made me upset were always the same and i was worried that if i would insist and repeat myself, he would leave me and i would be once again alone.

i always hoped that after he would move in with me, things would change and get real. they didn’t. i spoke to him, openly and honestly, not to reproach him, but to make him understand that i was suffering and that i couldn’t carry the whole relationship on my own and that i felt as if all the promises were just words. he sais he finally understood, he thanked me and said he couldn’t live without me.

then, he started to act weirdly. he didn’t talk to me much, he stopped asking me how my day was or to tell me his day, he texted me differently, he didn’t want to make love with me. then he told me a girl tagged him on FB. i overreacted, but because i connected his strange behavior to that girl + it wasn’t a friend of his and he sweared thet have NEVER spoken etc. so i didn’t understand how come she tagged him. then months later (It may seem weird, but sometimes i have like premonitory dreams) i dreamt of him texting this girl. in the morning i looked through his phone and found a conversation with her, nothing special but still, he lied to me and hid the convo. I am ashamed of what i did, i thought i would never do something like that, but i wasn’t thinking. when he came from work he packed his stuff. eventually he stayed and the morning after he said he agreed to be still together. he said he did it to protect me, but he never apologised nor said he was sorry hor hiding the chat, he said he didn’t know whether he would ever again be honest and that he was kind of relieved i discovered him.

he went back home because of a job. 3 weeks he said. in 2 and a half weeks he didn’t do anything. i was upset and said it wasn’t right. he said he doesn’t know how he feels about us, that he feels as if i don’t support him (i can give u 1000 examples it’s not true). He said to cancel the papers. 2 weeks before that i told him that maybe i was pregnant. during that call he said (in response to what i told him) that yes, he won’t come home to see me, but he would if i’d have an abortion. then i didn’t hear from him even though he said we would. he texted me for easter and after a week i decided to call him. he hasn’t asked me about the pregnancy, nor how i feel. he didn’t answer me (if we are on a break or if it’s a break up) but he said he was confused, that he doesn’t know what his feelings are etc and that he thinks that i’ll suffer with him and he won’t change and that he won’t be able to keep the promises but that he believed in them when he promised me those things. i told him to forget those promises but he said it wasn’t possible because if we do it, the first time he won’t do something i, i would think also about the past promises etc.

i still do not know wheter we’re together or not. i am crying all day and night. i cannot sleep properly, if i fall asleep i dream about him and i wake up, i cannot focus on work. i feel destroyed. i do not know what to think. i don’t know how to deal with it. how can it be that he went from “i can’t live without you” to a “idk how i feel, i don’t see a future” in less than 2 months?

i haven’t said a lot of things, it would take too much time. but i though of suicide, he knows it, he saw that i was looking something about it on the net. he knows i am not fine, that i am willing to continue our story, that i love him a lot. why does he not love me back? has he ever loved me? how can i deal with it? how can i start a life after him? for the first time i thought i could be happy and now i feel as if i’ll never be happy because i don’t deserve it. sorry for the mistakes but english is not my first language and i am really too tired.

#advice #advise #psychology #relationship #relationships #breaks #breakup #help #depression #anxiety #delusion #illusion #helpme #crying #cry

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years ago

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bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

#im so fucking terrible with talking abt issues and emotions skshxhxhx #but i never expected anyone to say they had a reason to live bc of me and my blog so it made me🗿#fr like i cannot comprehend fjdhdx #bruh u better hang on in there cuz we finna goin to the 40th dimension together soon😳#the confessional

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lavellane · 5 years ago

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ok so heres an obligatory twc/detective oc infodump since i was up til 2am last night feverishly thinking abt Her

(tho um disclaimer i literally have just started so i know less than nothing abt anything lol)

her name is beatrice maddox ! but her friends/the whole town just calls her triss. hearing her full name just makes her feel like shes in trouble Unless its ava saying it and then shes 😳😳😳😳

shes bi ! aaaaand nobody is surprised in the slightest lmao ! she dated bobby and im ..... considering doing the n/a love triangle route tho i kno nothing abt it. definitely going to end up w ava tho bc i cannae resist

tattoos. EVERYWHERE. a couple are meaningful, but for the most part??? absolutely nonesensical 🥰 her tattoos were very carefully chosen to represent and Symbolize that she is Cool and Bisexual and Hot. thats it ✊

her personality is.... ok im not gonna try with the whole canon stats thing but she's very cheerful ! in a sort of Cool and casual and lighthearted way. maybe a little too lighthearted, almost as if it maybe.... it was a little forced 👀

shes a realist as opposed to an optimist/pessimist , but she tends have an ironic/lighthearted sense of humour that makes her seem a lot more silly than she is i guess? in truth, outside of like surface level warmth and extroversion for the sake of saving face, shes actually very reserved and awkward. i mean, she IS genuinely a very warm person, but theres a lot of darkness she tends to keep very deep inside herself, that virtually nobody has ever rly seen from her. shes the type of person who's GREAT at like, first impressions and having dozens and dozens of amicable aquaintances, but she rly struggles to form close friendships bc shes quite aloof and eccentric, sometimes says stuff that makes her sound callous, keeps a LOT of secrets and... hates opening up to ppl authentically lol! for reasons i'll get into!

she progressed thru her education and career stuff really quickly mostly due to being a gifted child ! obviously tho that means she also has gifted child syndrome lol. while she still excels professionally and on the surface she seems very functional and cheery and put together, her personal life has rly suffered bc of burnout and anxiety nd whatnot. emotionally shes not at the same place as others her age and shes just. very caught up inside her own head i guess and has a LOT of trouble relating to others, tho she's aquaintances/friendly with most everyone in the town. longterm relationships are VERY hard for her.

so. im already editing canon lol which is very on brand for me and it might not work idk !!!! but my lore for her rn is when she was a child, like 8 or 9, she um witnessed a murder/a body being discarded in the woods. it REALLY fucked her up.obviously. she was a kid and alone at the time and when she got home she was so ????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿ abt it that she didnt tell her parents or let anybody know. at the time she still didnt rly understand what she saw, or at least didnt know how to handle situations like that bc literally Who would, but it still keeps her up at night, and shes still plagued by guilt and fear over it. the murder was never reported and nobody ever discovered anything, so sometimes she convinces herself that what she thinks she saw didnt actually happen ..... she rly doesnt know ! and it scared tf out of her !

that whole deal lead to her becoming uh quite morbid ! she was still a bright happy kid, but death sort of became like.... a n interest of hers, as well as criminals and finding out stuff. im still not sure if her focus is gonna be on detective work primarily or on science, ill maybe decide after my first playthru. anyway she never did anything that was like an actual red flag or anything xbxjsksms but she was just a Weird Girl growing up after that. she'd watch a LOT of true crime and read everything she could get her hands on and absolutely would have annoyed the shit out of all the detectives at the station.

speaking of annoying cops, shes also a reformed Rascal teenager. she was VERY rebellious as a kid, again mostly bc of Trauma, and was basically the loveable bane of wayhaven's existence for a good four years. again, she was mischievous but not in a malicious/dangerous way, but she definitely would have seen the inside of the station's jail cell a few times for like..idk. egging houses, graffiti, maybe weed idk ! just girly things! she ended up mellowing out soon afer highschool but shes still cool enough to have arm sleeve tattoos so u kno she still absolutely passes the vibe check

last point abt the murder but ! that event basically got repressed pretty quickly after it happened, she does not talk about it EVER, not to anybody. literally not a single person on earth knows what happened that day except her and the possibly-not-real-killer. and, while its sort of filed under the "Dont Consciously Think About This Ever" section of her brain, she obviously is haunted by it and has nightmares consistently, and its basically what inspired her to become a detective in the first place. bc its not so much about Seeing it that affected her so much as... not knowing who did it, not knowing what happened, and not being able to stop it. so much of her life after that was spent of Figuring Everything Out as like a coping mechanism, which obviously put a lot of pressure on her and strain on relationships, but it makes for great detectives lmao !

she is a hugely active person and needs constant mental simulation bc she genuinely hates quiet, and being left alone with her thoughts and memories. living alone sucks for her, so she usually has to play music as soon as she gets home, needs to go to sleep w music, needs to drive with music.... and driving is the worst. she sort of.... goes thru life feeling very ghostlike ! like shes living in a verh different world to everyone else. like shes waiting for something terrible to happen in every waking moment - its mostly practice that allows her to hide it with lightheartedness and jokes and deflective warmth, bc otherwise she'd go crazy !

i'll add more to this when i know more but if u read all of this i love you so much and you deserve a medal. im actually shocked im getting so into this already like i RLY didnt think i would

(ps her pinterest is a work in progress but it's here if anyones interested!)

#oc: triss #i love her so much already i love her so damn much #also i mentioned previously but her faceclaim in adelaide kane!!!!!#so like. bubbly but in a Hot way

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doux-amer · 5 years ago

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Joker was soul-deadening, not because it was depressing and dark (look, as someone who loved Taxi Driver, depressing and dark isn't a problem), but because if you take away Joaquin Phoenix's acting and the cinematography, it was so mediocre and flat. I'm not even really worked up. I just feel emotionless and I shouldn't, but I don't really care that I don't because I never vibed with having a Joker origin story because I feel like it defeats the purpose of his character. He’s supposed to be the personification of chaos. I don’t give a damn about what makes him the way he is. I don’t need him to have a reason for his chaotic nature and desire to see the world burn. Sorry, Joaquin, your acting was great, but that’s what makes Heath’s Joker the perfect one for me. Heath’s performance was silly without being goofy or tryhard, and it was chilling and made me nervous without it being rooted in mental illness as the source of the instability and unpredictability. Speaking of unpredictability, this movie was predictable AF. I saw literally everything coming from a mile away. Every turn, every step forward. Every goddamn choice of who to kill and not kill (my friend and her friend were surprised that he didn’t kill certain people, and I was like ?????????????).

And speaking of things that baffled me, the audience confused me because they....laughed....at parts that weren’t funny? And uh. I didn’t know whether to be mad because wow, yikes, the ableism jumped o u t (not even in terms of how they reacted to Arthur being “weird,” but the way they reacted to the character with dwarfism was Y I K E S), but also....way to...miss....what’s going on. Like............nothing about this movie was supposed to be funny.

I also don’t know how I feel about how the movie portrayed Arthur because some people are saying it clearly shows how much a pathetic loser he is, and yeah, that’s true, but at the same time, it props him up so both sides have points. I think I’m more on the latter side in that I don’t think it went as far as it should have in explicitly and firmly stating that he’s pathetic (it would just go to a certain extent and that’s it, or it’d undermine the narrative). I don’t know how I feel about the way it supposedly “addresses” societal anxieties because it does expose issues we’re dealing with right now, although those issues aren’t anything new, but it does a pretty garbage job at doing so. The message was muddled. I’M SORRY, THE ENTIRE EFFING TIME I WAS WATCHING IT, I KEPT GETTING RILED UP BECAUSE IT TRIED SO HARD TO EMULATE TAXI DRIVER IN IMPACT, AESTHETIC, PLOT, COMMENTARY, ETC. AND IT COULDN’T EVEN GET NEAR THAT. This is making me so indignant on Marty’s behalf wthfdfklsdj.

Jk about feeling emotionless because IT WAS SO MEDIOCRE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M OFFENDED BY ITS MEDIOCRITY. IT WAS SO BORING. THE PLOT WAS SO BORING. IT WAS TOO LONG. IT WAS SO SELF-SERVING AND TRYHARD. I SAW EVERYTHING COMING FROM A MILE AWAY. EVERYTHING.

#a few minutes ago on twitter alanna said someone's review of the movie was about how #it felt like this movie was reworked to fit in the joker gotham and the waynes #and it's painfully accurate #and yeah i agree #i also think that if you take those elements out then it becomes glaringly obvious just how weak the script is

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day-trippin-dreamer · 3 years ago

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ahaha i MISSED u tooo <33

wow i can imagine how your dad reacts even if i havent seen him yet. but yeah my dad gets annoyed (in a funny way) sometimes that my mom's crushing into another leading man again especially if all they did was to show off their killer smile lmaoo is that jealousy.

yesss he is!!! oh my god. im dying here cause like ugh it's just so cute talking about this. anyway, what's your dream partner.. or like from the ones on the movies/series you watch even if they are unattainable? mine would be those who are like silent, smart, hard to get (please make me stop i know this is weird, kind of like an izzy stradlin) so yeah that's why i was so into mr. darcy bc im probably as dumb as bridget 😌

dude aHAHAHGDAH pls!! there was this meme that said they never have met an infp without adhd/anxiety/mental illness.. and i was like wahhh?? it's fr a struggle!!!! why are mbti types intrinsic?? i feel like every person i'll meet will be "what is wrong with you?" 😭

thank you so much, tina!!!!!

i cant sense if you're being sarcastic or not... but just wanna let you know that you can vent if there's anything to vent out! im here :) but if you're not comfortable, i surely understand!

i see! how do you like ur coffee? black? half a creamer?

AHAHAH oh my god please the dni is killing me 😭😭

ooh wow you have a tattoo. what are they like? for me, i dont really have in mind at the moment. i just want emotional/mental stability come on like i know it's funny inside an infp's head but seriously!!! lmao

aw im sorry you havent had much sleep. but i hope you can get all the rest you want once you arrive home !! maybe a little food will help to brighten up your mood too :) and yeah you dont have to reply to this message immediately! just take care of yourself <3

ohh yess !! it's me!!! yay how'd you sense? i had a different typing style the first time i talked to u!

aldjxha yeah maybe our dads are a little jealous but come on!! it's Hugh Grant!! the king™ of rom-coms!!

yeah we're totally the two girls over the phone, twirling the cable lmao! 😩 ohh izzy 👀👀 he's a great choice!! id probably go for slash, again the quieter type, but a little on the silly side. also his brown eyes 😭

i can't blame Bridget honestly i would too get a little dumb around those two 😂😂 jk jk, we'll find a cool Mark Darcy!!

i love infp memes 😭😭😭 this is my favourite 😭😭 just what you're talking about 😭😭

everything is wrong with us 💀😭😭

noo i wasn't being sarcastic, i just didn't have much to say and felt awkward 😭 sorry!! <3

oh i like my coffee in different ways, depending on the mood/occasion lol! my first (morning one) i usually take black and then if there are more it depends on what I'm craving lol. but no sugar ever please 😭

i have two, yes!! they're both words, so nothing big and they're both in places that you can't see them lol! but i think my next one is going to be in a more visible place 👀

mental/emotions stability 😭😭 yes, I'd like one of those too. I will give Santa a call about it alskaj

oh yes, thank you for reminding me, i'll definitely get a snack <33

i sensed your vibe!!! i mean, i wasn't entirely sure, but we've talked a lot and more than once so yeah 🥺 but you did have a different typing style before that's why i wasn't sure lol 😭 i love talking to you though!! <33

#the joey to my chandler #inbox treasures #ill go add it to the other asks as well lol!!#also stefan salvatore from tvd is a dream man <33

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mydogfromhell · 7 years ago

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“Why does my dog pull while on a leash?”

If your dog is lunging or pulling at the leash, it’s important to first understand why.

When a dog is outside and on leash, we ideally want them to be calm, relaxed, and at ease enough with what’s going on around them that they don’t display any signs of worry or stress. These signs of stress emerge when the dog thinks that he’s got to be in charge of what’s going on when he’s on a walk: where he needs to go, what to worry about when he’s outside, and anything else that comes up. You’ll see this often when people say, “My dog is perfect in the house, but the second he’s on leash, I can’t get him to stop pulling.” That’s because your dog thinks that he’s got to be the one to worry about any potential dangers that come up, and that if anything spooks him, he’s the one who has to handle it, alone, because he doesn’t yet understand that you’re there to take care of it for him.

If your dog is over-excited by something, like a person walking towards them or a squirrel dashing across the road, this can also cause the pulling the same as if he was scared of something, like a car, a person, or another dog. But in the end, the prescribed treatment is the same. Dogs that pull while on leash don’t start off with a great understanding of what a leash is or how it works, only that when try to go where they want to, it pulls on them and slows them down, or in some cases (like chokers) it hurts them. They think it’s just an obstacle, which is why they tend to yank, or in more extreme cases, chew through their leash or escape their collar or harness entirely.

This is where you as the owner and his most supportive buddy come in. When you’re on a walk with him, he needs to learn that you’re the one who’s got things handled. He needs to learn that he doesn’t need to worry about anything going on around him, because you’re going to keep him safe, and if he is ever unsure about anything, to look to you to make sure that everything is a-ok. He needs to start seeing himself as the kid who doesn’t have a care in the world, and you as the ‘adult’ who makes sure that no matter where he is, you’re going to keep him safe.

So how do you teach your dog to trust you when he’s nervous or over-excited and pulling on the leash? It’s easy!

If something is making your dog uncomfortable enough that he can’t seem to focus on you, there are several techniques you can begin practicing that will bring his attention back to you, and reinstill a sense of trust that may need some refreshing. Even if he doesn’t show a negative reaction to anything in his immediate environment, like passing cars, bikes or people, this will still help forge an even stronger bond between you both, and I’d recommend it to anyone with any manner of well- or ill-behaved dog.

Focus on You, part 1: The First Stage

A dog that trusts the person on the other end of the leash is a dog that doesn’t worry about what’s going on around them. During walks, have a big bag of treats handy - preferably low-cal - to start convincing your pup that paying attention at you is important, and especially that it’s rewarding. You can use treats that break apart easily (liver treats are great for this), or cut them up in advance, into a size of only a few millimeters regardless of the dog, since this exercise is about a constant reward process, not about quantity, and it stops him from eating his entire body weight in treats (which he’d doubtlessly love to do).

This training can start before you even leave your house. When you get to your door, have your dog sit and stay until you open the door, leave the threshold, and turn around to face him, and only then call him through. If you have two doorways to pass before you’re outside, do it for both, and do it when you come back from the walk as well. But each time, make sure he’s sitting, calm, and focused on you (ie: making eye contact) before you call him to follow. (Note: Be extra careful to not let swinging doors hit him!)

It’s important to remember that this isn’t about taking away your dog’s autonomy or “treating him like a dog.” It’s only a reminder for him not to worry about where he’s going or anything going on around him, because you’ve got it covered.

Focus on You, part 2: The Real Training

Once you’re outside, the real work begins, and depending on your pup’s stubborn streak, your patience will be tested! It’s important to remember that this training uses only positive reinforcement, so it’s crucial that you never tug your dog at any point, or use a stern or impatient tone. Walks are supposed to be a fun journey that you and your pup share, and no matter how long it takes or how many times you need to practice this, it’s only a soft and supportive voice from here on out, and only the gentlest of tugs when absolutely necessary. I would also suggest avoiding using a high pitched tone if your dog gets easily worked up, because this exercise is to help build your dog’s calm, focus. and peace of mind.

As you start your walk, anytime he pulls on the leash, even a little bit, stop walking and try to get his attention. When I first start this training with a dog, for the first week or two I’m usually a bit lenient if he’s stopping to sniff at something specific, but if he’s always sniffing around, then it’s up to you for where to draw the line and try to draw his focus back to you. The point here is that anytime there’s tension on the leash, you stop walking and call him, and if he doesn’t look to you right away, let him sniff or look around as long as he likes, and when he seems to be done, try calling him again.

The second he looks at you, give him a treat. If he only looks at you while at the end of his leash, hold the treat close to your body and let him come to you to start building the association that only a loose leash will get him a treat. (Note: If your dog has ever been hit in any way, I suggest starting further away from your body and slowly working your way closer.) If after you give him the treat he immediately looks away, something is still catching his attention or making him uncomfortable. Continue to ask for his attention, holding the treat on your face (even as silly as it looks) until you can get him to look at you again, and when he does, treat again. This shows him that whenever he’s uncomfortable (if it ever becomes the case), you’re going to keep pumping out treats until he starts feeling better about what’s going on. but only if he’s willing to let you shoulder whatever is causing him stress.

You can build this technique to a second step which I find helps hold focus. It will be especially if your dog tends to fixate or lunge while on the leash, and is similar to training your dog not to jump. When you feel him pull, treat when he looks at you, but then also ask him to sit. Hold the treat to your face, and when he makes eye contact, treat. If he looks away or gets up, keep trying until you know you have his undivided attention. When he is both sitting and looking at you, it’s treat time yet again. When your pup has this part down, you can then choose when to treat for eye contact as you’re walking and when to skip that and only treat when he’s sitting. If he’s still learning not to pull, I wouldn’t make him wait more than about 3-4 glances back towards you before giving another treat, and sitting should be treated every time to help build his attention towards you, and by extension, the leash, especially at road intersections. Remember, the more convinced your pup is that you have an endless supply of treats on you at all times, the more reason he’ll have to respond!

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!

Do this every walk, and go for walks as often as possible to practice. If you keep this up diligently, it shouldn’t be long before he’ll be regularly looking back at you the moment he feels tension on the leash. It makes sense: if you were uncomfortable about being called on in class, but every time you were called on you were given $50, and on top of that you were allowed to answer, “I don’t know,” as often as you liked, you’d start feeling good about it pretty quick. This same mentality is what you’re teaching your dog. If he doesn’t respond right away, you’re not getting mad or impatient, you’re just standing there patiently waiting for him to be ready, and going at a pace that suits him. You’re telling him, in a language that he understands (read: treats) that he doesn’t have a reason in the world to be stressed right now.

As you train this technique with your dog, you’ll see that he’ll begin glancing towards you every time there’s even the slightest bit of tension on the leash. This is perfect! Now all that’s left is a slight adjustment, if it applies to your walking habits. Recall that it’s not up to the dog to make any decisions during a walk, because that’s your job. That means that if you’re used to walking with your dog ahead of you, once this training begins to sink in, slowly allow less and less leash until your dog is walking right beside you, or behind you, but never ahead of you. This ties into the decision-making, since if your dog is leading the way, he’s literally leading the way for you, so shorten that leash until your pup is able to walk beside you with the leash at a nice, relaxed U-shape.

Congratulations! Your dog now knows what a leash is, and how to walk politely!

Once your dog masters this, not only will you have a pup that never pulls the leash, but you’ll also have a dog that trusts you when you’re out exploring the streets and wilderness, and he’ll know to look to you whenever he’s unsure or uncomfortable about something. He’ll be more than happy to hand his worries over to you, and any anxieties he used to have about being on a walk will melt away like gravy on a turkey dinner! Great work!

#dog #dogs #dog training #animal training #dog psychology #canine psychology #animal psychology #dog behaviour #animal behaviour #canine behavior #pulling on leash #focus on you

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preservationandruin · 7 years ago

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Words of Radiance Part Four Part Two

Alright, let’s keep this moving!

Kaladin Is Still In Prison, Adolin Was Also In Prison, Kaladin gets out of prison and makes a bad decision, I yell at Amaram a lot, Wit also yells at Amaram, Dalinar’s visions are leaked to the public, Shallan and Kaladin go on a Chasms Road Trip, Shallan remembers a fateful day, I yell at Amaram more, and Dalinar is ready for his big trip.

WARNING: Shallan’s flashback includes physical and emotional abuse, as well as attempted and successful murder.

Kaladin is still in prison. He’s noting that his thoughts are starting to distort the truth--again, That Mentally Ill Feel. He knows Dalinar will get him out, he believes Dalinar will get him out--but his mind twists it until he starts thinking Dalinar might have lied. He also starts beating himself up for being a bad guard, despite having gone toe-to-toe with the Assassin in White and lived, driving him off.

He thinks bridge four is happy to be rid of him oh my god that is the most painful sentence I have ever read.

Fortunately, he’s being let out. He promises that nobody will ever do this to him again, regardless of station. Aaaaaaand he runs into Adolin. Who is also in a cell. Because of course. And not only did Adolin lock himself up, he ordered that Bridge Four be there when Kaladin was released.

Adolin Kholin is a good man.

“Didn’t seem right, you in here,” Adolin said, eyes forward. “I ruined your chance to duel Sadeas.” “I’d be crippled or dead without you,” Adolin said. “So I wouldn’t have had the chance to fight Sadeas anyway.” The prince stopped in the hallway and looked at Kaladin. “Besides. You saved Renarin.” “It’s my job,” Kaladin said. “Then we need to pay you more, bridgeboy. Because I don’t know if I’ve ever met another man who would jump, unarmored, into a fight among six Shardbearers.”

And then they start bonding over Kaladin being incredulous about Adolin’s cologne and Adolin being mock-offended and even making fun of himself, and Adolin apologizing for ruining the plan, and Adolin pointing out that technically, Elhokar ruined it.

Adolin also wholeheartedly believes Kaladin about Amaram--points out that you never hear about Amaram doing anything wrong, whereas even Dalinar--the best man Adolin knows--makes mistakes, loses his temper, and has a checkered history. Amaram doesn’t, which is pretty fucking suspicious.

Yet again, Adolin’s intuition is scarily sharp. Right about Sadeas, right about Kaladin, right about Amaram. If he actually puts some more work into it, he could get really good at reading people.

I love Adolin Kholin so much as a character like yeah, he can be a fuckup, but he is a genuinely good person.

Also Bridge Four in unison salutes the moment that they see Kaladin and then just start cheering. Renarin is there in uniform, stimming but cheerfully talking with Adolin; Rock makes fun of Kaladin’s new beard.

BRIDGE FOUR IS BACK TOGETHER.

Also Adolin now apparently owns two shardblades and three sets of plate, the Kholin family owns a quarter of the Shards in all of Alethkar (actually more if Shallan marries into the family and I also know they’re not counting Jasnah, even though Ivory can become a Shardblade) and also Adolin is dueling champion now, as well he should be.

And Adolin offers the plate to Kaladin...who gives them to Moash. Kaladin is purposely testing Adolin and actually flinches as Adolin grabs his shoulder--to ask if he’s sure.

Because Adolin, unlike Amaram, is ACTUALLY A DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Kaladin also makes the cryptic comment that he’d be more useful against the Assassin in White without Shards.

Moash’s new shard has a heliodor in the pommel, as a note. I wonder if that’s why his eyes go tan--is it just a lightening of the original color of the person’s eyes, or is it correspondant to the color of the stone powering the Blade? Kaladin’s eyes going blue near the end there imply it’s the power of the Blade making the eyes turn, so it probably corresponds to color? Although that doesn’t answer for why Lighteyes’ eyes don’t change.

Rambling aside, Rock decides this shardplate shit is taking way too long and that they should be having a party. GREAT CAPTAIN KALADIN, STORMBLESSED AND DWELLER IN PRISONS, YOU WILL EAT MY STEW NOW.

God I love Bridge Four.

Also they were debating whether or not to break Kaladin out I fucking love them so much. my BOYS. Also they’re all willing to kick the shit out of Amaram. Same. Absolute Same.

Aaaand Kaladin says that Moash’s friends are right about Elhokar. KAL NO.

Over to Dalinar. Dalinar also basically says Kaladin reminds him of him when he was younger--although I have to note that Kaladin had a more level head. Also Navani is being an Engineer and Dalinar is trying to follow along. Mixed success. Also, Navani has figured out that the gemstones in Shards are not what originally powered them.

Navani is still mourning Jasnah. “What happened to my little girl, so full of questions?” Ouch.

Navani Deserves Better.

Also we get another implication that Navani didn’t really care for Gavilar. Something was up with their marriage.

Anyway, Dalinar’s trying to convince people to join his attempt to do a massive attack against the Parshendi. He’s noted that the Parshendi have stopped trying to go after gemhearts--which would be because their tactics have drastically shifted in a way that the Alethi cannot possibly be prepared for.

Also, Wit’s back. And Sadeas is purposely undermining Dalinar because he’s a shithead. I fucking hate Sadeas.

“You always assume it’s me,” Sadeas said. “That’s because any time I think it isn’t you, I’m wrong.”

Yeah, Sadeas, Dalinar isn’t going to be that easy to fool this time. Easy to stymie, though, because for all Dalinar’s skills he is shit at political intrigue.

AND SPEAKING OF PEOPLE I FUCKING HATE, AMARAM IS HERE!

“Why, Brightlord Amaram!” Wit cried. “I was hoping I’d be able to see you tonight. I’ve spent my life learning to make others feel miserable, and so it’s a true joy to meet someone so innately talented in that very skill as you are.” [...] “Do I know you?” Amaram asked. “No,” Wit said lightly, “but fortunately, you can add it to the list of many, many things of which you are ignorant.” “But now I’ve met you,” Amaram said, holding out a hand. “So the list is one smaller.” “Please,” Wit said, refusing the hand. “I wouldn’t want it to rub off on me.” “It?” “Whatever you’ve been using to make your hands look clean, Brightlord Amaram. It must be powerful stuff indeed.” Dalinar hurried over.

THIS EXCHANGE ADDS FIVE YEARS TO MY LIFESPAN, CLEARS MY SKIN, CURES MY ANXIETY, AND REPLENISHES MY BANK ACCOUNT WIT DRAGGING AMARAM IS EVERYTHING I LOVE IN THIS WORLD.

Also how he fucking precision-hits things that Amaram would be insecure about--his knowledge, where we know he thinks he knows fucking everything and has an inflated sense of his own importance, and his image, where Wit is basically like bitch I see you and I know you’re fake as hell.

And then Dalinar runs over to do damage control because he can’t have Amaram getting too suspicious yet, I imagine. Throughout the whole conversation, Wit keeps dissing Amaram and I remain the most alive I have been in months.

“I mean, I wouldn’t want to call Amaram an imbecile...because then I’d have to explain to him what the word means, and I’m not certain any of us have the requisite time.”

I know it’s petty but I’m petty and thus I take great joy in all of this.

“Lord Amaram,” Wit called, standing to bow, his voice growing solemn. “I salute you. You are what lesser cretins like Sadeas can only aspire to be.”

That one still gets me because it’s not even a jibe or a joke. It’s just a statement of fact and you can tell that Wit is dead-serious with that. Amaram also is like “lmao Dalinar I understand your visions better than you! The Almighty isn’t actually dead!!111!! he’s talking in metaphors u dingus!!11!!!!!!”

Shut the fuck up Amaram, you know jack shit about Honor, don’t talk like you know Honor better than Dalinar. That’s just fucking laughable.

He also refers to Kaladin only as “the slave.” And says he’d like to hear an apology from Kaladin. “Not for my own ego” Bull. Shit.

Fucking asshole.

Also Navani bitchslaps Wit with a handful of papers, and is furious that they edited the papers to make it seem like Navani is ridiculing Dalinar. She’s also ready to eviscerate whoever did this. RIP whoever the fuck leaked this.

“As I fear not a child with a weapon he cannot lift, I will never fear the mind of a man who does not think.”

Yeah it’s from the Way of Kings but in context it’s a sick-ass burn.

So Dalinar just stands on a fucking table and is like “yeah these are the visions I’ve been having, come at me, you already made me a spectacle so honestly fuck you guys for thinking i’d actually be upset by this bullshit.”

“If you must laugh, do it while looking me in the eyes.”

Fuck yeah you tell ‘em dad.

Also, Dalinar notes that Adolin seems very fond of Shallan, and Dalinar wants to encourage that--as long as he can get actual answers out of Jah Keved about her family. Which he won’t be able to because Jah Keved is a fucking mess.

Dalinar asks if Wit is a Herald--he’s amused, but says no, and also denies being a Radiant. And we get Wit’s chilling line-- “If I have to watch this world crumble and burn to get what I need, I will do so. With tears, yes, but I would let it happen.”

Also Wit basically says that he has to stop Odium from finding him in order to not die, basically. I still wonder about that WOB that says that Hoid and Rayse were once friends. That seems...quite interesting.

Over to Kaladin. He’s still having problems inhaling Stormlight--he’s killing Syl, and with her the Nahel bond that gives him his powers. Kaladin you dingus. Syl is acting like a windspren again.

“You want too much of me,” he snapped at her as he reached the other side of the chasm. “I’m not some glorious knight of ancient days. I’m a broken man. Do you hear me, Syl? I’m broken.” She zipped up to him and whispered, “That’s what they all were, silly.”

Bridge Four is still bringing their bridge on this scouting expedition, because Kaladin is a paranoid fuck (for good reason). Rock says that it’s gotten lighter because they defeated Sadeas. Nobody else understands him.

Also, Renarin is starting to fit in with Bridge Four and joke around with them--and also that he hasn’t summoned his shardblade since the fight.

For good reason, although neither Kaladin nor Dalinar knows that. Also, this:

“Sir,” Kaladin said. “If I may say so, your son seems like kind of a misfit. Out of place. Awkward, alone.” Dalinar nodded. “Then, I can say with confidence that Bridge Four is probably the best place he could find himself.”

I LOVE KALADIN’S RAGTAG BAND OF WEIRD MISFITS AND THAT THEY’RE ACCEPTING RENARIN AS ONE OF THEM.

Also Adolin is now just occasionally making casual conversation with Kaladin. Kaladin also realizes that he’s made two conflicting oaths, and that’s why his powers are going away and Syl is losing sentience. She tells him to find the words, and soon.

Shallan is geeking out over the bridge. Kaladin notices that he recognizes one of the carpenters, and is confused by it. Moash has stopped coming over for stew nights as often.

Ouch.

Kaladin points out that the plains are the worst place for Szeth to attack them, because they have three hundred archers with them and he just sorta. Flies. in the air.

Adolin asks Kaladin for girl advice. Kaladin is like. my dude. you are asking the wrong person. Too busy trying not to die to date really. Kaladin is just like dude just tell her you really want this relationship to work also why the fuck are you asking me this.

Also Adolin trying to be nonchalant about getting information about Kaladin.

“You won’t have a Shardblade, but won’t need one, because of...you know.” “I know?” Kaladin felt a spike of alarm. “Yeah...you know.” Adolin glanced away and shrugged, as if trying to act nonchalant. “That thing.” “What thing?” “That thing...with the...um, stuff?”

Kaladin actually manages to smile at how shitty Adolin is at this and just says “I don’t think you have any idea what you’re talking about” which is completely true.

Also the conversation about how Adolin would pay to see Kaladin happy. That conversation is still lowkey gay and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Neither of them get why Shallan is so excited about stuff like moss. And bugs. Adolin is trying to make jokes. Badly.

“You’re good at military thinking, for a bridgeboy,” Adolin said. “Coincidentally,” Kaladin said, “you’re good at not being unobnoxious, for a prince.” “Thanks,” Adolin said. “That was an insult, dear,” Shallan said.

God I love all of these losers.

Anyway, Shallan and Kaladin aren’t getting along well at all. High time for a bonding friendship trip into the caverns!!!! Kaladin notices, just at the right moment, that the man he recognized with the carpenters was one of Sadeas’ lumbermen. Of course, everything happens at once, and the bridge collapses--and down go Kaladin and Shallan.

And Syl uses the last of their bond to save Kaladin. And the Stormfather fucking yells at him for killing Syl. Both Shallan and Kaladin assume they subconsciously saved the other.

And so they try to survive. And also not kill each other. Kaladin points out that Shallan is complicit in the class inequality--which she really is, I mean, look at the boots scene--and Shallan responds with something like “oh wow big surprise people with power are abusive” which makes sense given her background but also is not the right response.

He also does directly use the boots scene as proof she is complicit, which she admits. He also does say she’s better than most of the others.

Aaaand then their shouting match attracts a chasmfiend and they have to bolt. BRILLIANT, GUYS.

Also Kaladin notices that Shallan is incredibly unwinded from all this running--wow, I wonder if she’s infusing stormlight on instinct (the answer is yes). Shallan also uses her abilities to hide them and goes to try to see the chasmfiend. Kaladin notes that they look “wrong” and “almost intelligent;” Shallan notes that the spren that follow them also follow skyeels.

I just had a bad thought. If Parshendi change when the everstorm comes, could the chasmfiends change too? If so, what the FUCK do they turn into?

I hope I’m wrong.

Shallan also calls Kaladin “Kaladin Longlegs.” Also she tries to throw some chull jerky at him when he’s not looking and he just catches it.

Listen, when these two become friends, they will be the Best Sassfriends.

And yeah, they have a sass contest, which actually amuses both of them. They’re good at it.

God, I hope they end up as friends instead of part of some unholy twisted love triangle scenario. I fucking hate love triangles and i feel like it would only serve to drive everyone involved apart--which is awful, because I like having two male leads (Adolin and Kaladin) who actually get along half of the fucking time, and robbing me of that is just not fair, Brandon.

Another powerfully sad moment of miscommunication:

“All right,” Kaladin said. “Here it is. I can imagine how the world must appear to someone like you. Growing up pampered, with everything you want. To someone like you, life is wonderful and sunny and worth laughing over. That’s not your fault, and I shouldn’t blame you. You haven’t had to deal with pain or death like I have. Sorrow is not your companion.” Silence. Shallan didn’t reply. How could she reply to that? “What?” Kaladin finally asked. “I’m trying to decide how to react,” Shallan said. “You see, you just said something very, very funny.” “Then why aren’t you laughing?” “Well, it isn’t that kind of funny.”

They both understand so little about each other. They are seeing what they expect to see and not what’s underneath--which is two deeply broken people trying to move forward with their lives as best they can.

Bridge Four is trying to figure out how Kaladin could have survived--Sigzil is grilling Teft about what he knows about the Radiants. Dalinar is trying to convince them not to keep watch for Kaladin, but good fucking luck with that. They’re Bridge Four. They know their captain. Dalinar is just like. You guys make sure you’re actually eating, right?

He’s such a Dad.

Anyway, Shallan is making a map, and Kaladin realizes how incredible her skill with drawing and memory is. Also, Shallan is talking to Pattern--and Kaladin realizes it’s like him talking to Syl.

And Kaladin says that in a dream, he saw that the chasms were symmetrical--and Shallan realizes she can figure out where the parshendi are, and where the oathgate is.

Shallan tries to point out that Kaladin can’t blame himself about everything. Kaladin immediately proves her wrong. And there’s another heartbreaking moment, this time of connection.

“Oh, all people understand pain,” Kaladin said. “That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s...” “The sorrow,” Shallan said softly, “of watching a life crumble? Of struggling to grab it and hold on, but feeling hope become stringy sinew and blood beneath your fingers as everything collapses?” “Yes.” “The sensation--it’s not sorrow, but something deeper--of being broken. Of being crushed so often, and so hatefully, that emotion becomes something you can only wish for. If only you could cry, because then you’d feel something. Instead, you feel nothing. Just...haze and smoke inside. Like you’re already dead.” He stopped in the chasm. She turned and looked to him. “The crushing guilt,” She said, “of being powerless. Of wishing they’d hurt you instead of those around you. Of screaming and scrambling and hating as those you love are ruined, popped like a boil. And you have to watch their joy seeping away while you can’t do anything. They break the ones you love, and not you. And you plead. Can’t you just beat me instead?” “Yes, he whispered. Shallan nodded, holding his eyes. “Yes. It would be nice if nobody knew of those things, Kaladin Stormblessed. I agree. With everything I have.”

God, that section rips my heart out. Shallan represses it, Kaladin has PTSD (well, they both probably do) and they both just wish they could have helped other people.

These are good kids.

And immediately they just start joking with each other. Aaand then the puns happen. And then a chasmfiend happens, and they get chased into a fissure. Kaladin wants to go chase it off so that they both can live, and Shallan panics at the thought of being left alone. And so she gives him her shardblade.

Kaladin is like what the fuck.

Also, the blade--which is Pattern--actually glows a garnet color. That’s because it’s alive. Also, it doesn’t scream--which Kaladin attributes to him having lost his bond with Syl, but that’s not right. And Kaladin also assumes two things in one sentence:

“At least this told him one thing--Shallan wasn’t likely to be a Surgebinder. Otherwise, he suspected she’d hate this Blade as much as he did.”

First, she is a Surgebinder.

Second, she does hate that Blade.

Anyway, working together--with Pattern, Shallan’s illusions,and Kaladin’s fighting prowess--they kill a Chasmfiend. Also Kaladin’s leg gets Fucked Up.

Kaladin ends up half in a chasmfiend’s mouth and the first thing he says is fucking ow.

Anyway, they use the Blade to cut out a cubbyhole to weather the storm in. Shallan is having to train her mind not to blank at the mention or thought of the Shardblade--and she also can make it shrink.

That’s not normal.

Anyway, as Kaladin climbs into the cubbyhole and the stormwall hits, we get a Shallan flashback. She’s wearing her father’s necklace and a nice Vorin-style dress, and reporting that nobody has been able to find Helaran.

For some reason, their father summoned Eylita to their house. This has got to be it--this is when Shallan kills her father to save Balat. Shallan finds Malise’s dead body--Father found out about the plan, sent for Eylita, and then murdered his own wife as a punishment.

Shallan pours wine as her brother and father fight each other. This says a lot about how utterly Shallan had managed to subsume herself in other personas--she is outwardly calm even with this, with having seen a dead body of her own stepmother, with her brother and father trying to kill each other.

And she pours wine and gives it to him. He drinks it, and then reaches for the poker--and severely injures Balat by slamming against his leg as Shalan screams.

And as the rain pounds outside, her father starts to lose control of his fine motor skills. Shallan is cold--it’s her when she’s at rock-bottom. When she lost her mother, now, when she kills Tyn--when Shallan is at rock-bottom she is a stone-cold killer.

Which is good, because it keeps her brothers and herself alive.

But the poison only paralyzed him, and so--Shallan asks her brothers to finish the job, but none of them can. Jushu and Wikim back up. Balat isn’t conscious. So Shallan strangles him with the necklace he gave her, while singing the lullaby that he sung to her.

Fuck, this scene is chilling and horrible. Shallan had to do it--her father would have murdered them all, one day, and probably only avoided her because he knew that she had a Shardblade and was scared--but god, that’s so brutal.

Back to Kaladin. He gets in the cavern as Shallan uses her sphere to pull him up; they both see what looks like a screaming face in the storm. Kaladin sees something that looks like a giant, inhuman form glowing in the storm, completely alien, striding in it.

Cool.

Anyway, Kaladin tells her his story--everything, including Amaram. Why not? They were about to die anyway. And she tells him that she killed her father, and about her own breaking; Kaladin realizes how lucky he was that his family loved him.

Shallan was not that lucky.

And Kaladin also realizes that he must have killed Helaran, which hurts. Anyway, Kaladin has a vision of the Stormfather in the storm and gets chewed the fuck out for killing Syl.

Back to Dalinar. Amaram is trying to get him to make an agreement with Sadeas of some sort. Bull fucking shit. Shut the fuck up, Amaram. And then they get the message that Kaladin came out of the chasms.

Dalinar runs the entire way there.

He’s such a good dad.

Aaaand he finds it hard to get through because so much of Bridge Four is already there. They know their Captain. And Kaladin fucking brought back the gemheart as well, of course.

“Yeah, we took care of that for you, sir.” fuckin hell Kaladin.

Shallan lies and says it was already dead, Kaladin agrees, Dalinar notes that Kaladin is a shit liar.

And Navani has warmed up to Shallan enough to run over to her and mother hen her hardcore. I don’t think she wanted to lose another young scholar.

Anyway, Dalinar asks if Kaladin was what he was looking for, and Kaladin denies it--he says he might have been, but not now. Dalinar also notes that Kaladin is a hero again.

Also wow, looks like Amaram just vanished, what a surprise, looks like he can’t stand the sight of a certain slave being a hero, huge surprise there, i’m shocked

Also Pattern eavesdropped on Dalinar and Navani and offers to reproduce the sound of them kissing and Shallan is like. You know what. no. no thanks pattern. maybe not.

Also Adolin shows up and just hugs Shallan a lot, and then she kisses him. Nice. He also said that he would protect her and not let anything bad happen to her--which causes her to freeze up.

Last person who did that was her father. Don’t try to hide her away, Adolin, she murdered the last man who did that.

And Shallan also convinces them not to take the parshment with them, which was A Good Call because the parshendi are calling down the everstorm and all those parshmen would go stormform.

Aaaand that ends Part Four!

#stormlight archive liveblog #FUCK YEAH BRIDGE FOUR #dalinar voice: unite them #i loathe meridas amaram #so does wit fortunately #highprince dadlinar #chasm road trip

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resbang-bookclub · 8 years ago

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AMA Transcript: Nothing Compares 2 U

@makapedia joined the AMA party to talk with us about her 2016 Resbang, Nothing Compares 2 U! Here’s some of what went down!!

Q: You wrote a good chunk of your fic set in the nineties. Was there anything that was especially hard about that?

makapedia: Writing the fic in the 90s was hard, if just because I was six when the 90s ended, so I did not remember as much as I thought I would, so I had to research a little history.

Q: What inspired you to think of this premise/AU?

makapedia: I thiiink I was talking to Madi? And spitballing ideas, as I do, at her, and it just spiralled from there. She enabled me hard.

Q: I did love your 90s references though. You mentioned some stuff and I would have flashbacks. It was all good.

makapedia: I didn't even get to write the scene I had originally envisioned for the AU, that's so weird. I wanted more Tamagotchi scenes. I wanted Maka to leave her precious child Tamagotchi in Soul's hands and he was going to take his job as caretaker Very Seriously while she was homeworking.

Q: [This] fic was an emotional ride and so empathetically written and incredibly nuanced. What was the most emotional thing for you to write? What would you do to cheer yourself up after a difficult scene?

makapedia: The most emotional thing for me to write was definitely, um, towards the end of the first portion of the fic? I gave Soul and Maka both parts of myself in this fic, and Soul really got the raw, late teens anxiety and fear of the world and his future, and it was both easy? and hard? for me to write, especially since it was through Maka's eyes, and I could not come out and say "hey, he is depressed and unmedicated and on a downward spiral" because she just didn't understand it. I would listen to Spice Girls to cheer myself up, though.

Q: Your approach to sexuality and to mental illness is amazing and hit me in the feels. Pls discuss any extra commentary youve ever wanted to discuss on these elements of your writing.

makapedia: I don't think I even went into this thinking it was going to have such commentary on sexuality? Uh, and especially the drama/throne we put sexuality on as a culture. I think the fic really evolved that way? And I think definitely even adding as much asexual commentary in it was extra. The mental illness thing was definitely planned and I wanted to make a point of showing someone who does struggle with depression/anxiety/other taking his life into his hands and getting help and still being able, as an adult, to have relations and be happy, and be a good partner. I wish I could have shown more of that at the end, but it is what it is.

Q: What is your personal favorite scene to write, or just based on how it turned out, or whatever!

makapedia: My favorite scene to write?? Maybe was towards the end, I had a lot of fun writing spiteful angry Maka kicking in the men's bathroom door and scaring the shit out of Soul. But based on how the scene turned out, i think the smut smut scene was my favorite. It was a Long fic, longer than I anticipated or planned it being, so a lot of it just melts together in my head now.

Q: Smut scenes, how do those go?

makapedia: LOL. Are you asking me how to write smut?

Q: Yes.

makapedia: I love you so much. I am Disgustingly Demisexual and super vanilla about things, and a lot of my smut focuses more on the feeling and gross headspace than the physical part? It's easier for me that way. I am a tiny ace virgin I am terrible with smut, I have people Fooled.

Q: Pls elaborate on your Very Important Decision to give Soul Batman sheets.

makapedia: Every cool guy I have in my life really aggressively loves Batman. That was it. He seemed appropriately Edgy (or False Edgy, w/e) for Soul.

Q: I really loved your characterization of the parents in this story - both Soul's and Maka's. Did you find one set of parents easier to write and if so, why??

makapedia: Oh man. I mean, they were there but also weren't, yeah? Only Soul's dad and Maka's mom made the cut, and Maka's mom is always a mixed bag for me because we do know very little about her in canon, whereas Soul's parents are always an empty canvas, for the most part. All I know about Maka's mom is she dumped Spirit for cheating and she is "like a bear" according to Maka loool so I guess I just kind of made her a very opinionated force of nature, sort of looming over and leading Maka's future, but she's hard for me to write. I could do whatever with Soul's dad and no one could tell me I was wrong. Too much power for one girl.

Q: Was there a specific 90s artifact you wanted to include that didn't make the cut?

makapedia: Black*Star in JNCO jeans.

Q: Where did the inspiration for the Liz jealousy side plot come from? Because that KILLED me lmao.

makapedia: The Liz thing was planned but also not to the degree it ended up happening? Mostly I wanted to write about Maka's insecurity, and work through her misogyny and jealousy issues and I thought it'd be interesting to have it be a close friend, I guess? But then it evolved into Soul questioning his identity in the background and coming to terms with like, realizing he was ace? Also I wanted Maka to be weird and uncomfortable and maybe even a little jealous later, when Liz had invited him to her wedding, but some of that got lost in translation.

Q: The entire leadup to and all of the Halloween party was a gift, where did the inspiration from that come from? (Soul alone with weiner dogs, bless.)

makapedia: I really, really wanted to write Maka as baby spice and it just snowballed from there. SHE WANTED TO BE SPORTY SPICE SO BADLY. Soul is me. Hides in the back room at a party and chills with tiny dogs.

Q: Why the 90s?

makapedia: I think it was because of my own nostalgia? And also feeling like I missed out on all of the turn of the century weirdness, because I WAS so young when the 90s ended and the 2000s began. It was like a time period AU but not drastic enough for me to have to really change everything and research language and clothing and trends and culture. It was recent enough but also like... long enough ago for other people my age or a little older to be like oh, man, remember the 90s, why did we all part our hair like that? The fic really did start out very silly in my heart but then everything got dark and sad.

Q: I was gonna ask, where did this idea come from? Did something really spur it on, other than your 90s nostalgia? Was the time gap thing always there? Cause the way you entered in the future and had a good portion of the story in the past was excellent and gripped my attention.

makapedia: So, originally when I was blarging to Madi about a 90s au I think I realized it couldn't just be memes, it needed a plot? And I'd always really wanted to write like a post breakup fic where the ship Gets Back Together at a wedding and then bam kablam. The "outline" for the fic is just bare bones for the fic and then some jokes I wanted to get in. Originally I'd wanted the chapters to go back and forth, 98 to 08 and such, but I ended up settling with a big 98 portion so it felt more cohesive. Pluuus I kind of like how it sets you up to hurt and then you wade through the beginning cute with just, this sense of oh god, no, what goes wrong?

Q: I loved the character dynamics between everybody everything felt very fitting like 'yep that is so how they would be.'

makapedia: ;__; I'm so glad. Bro*Star's frosted tips.

Q: I wanted to kill him when he did the freaking card trade thing.

makapedia: LOL that boy has no tact. That cloyster joke was in the outline.

Q: Did you have any characters that you sat there going 'okay what to do with you' or were all the characters falling into place nicely from your perspective? Was Black*Star's gutter mind easy to fall into or not? XD

makapedia: hhhaaaAAA, Death the Kid was mysteriously Not There in the 90s. SORRY, KIDDO. Black*Star is so easy and fun to write, but I think I'd write 90s skater DTK.

Q: Oh well, [Kid] got to make the best reference of the whole fic lol.

makapedia: He did, he got my favorite line. I think he spoke one line and it was my favorite. 70k for an I Write Sins Not Tragedies reference. The slow realization that that album came out in 2006 and therefore Existed was the best.

Q: On a scale of one to 10, how excited were you when you realized this?

makapedia: 10. 11. That joke got me through writing the last chapter.

Q: Was there a scene in particular that went a really different direction than what you expected?

makapedia: So I don't plot ahead like... as often as i should, hhhhhhaaa. So for a lot of the middle I just hit cruise control and went wherever it took me. But a lot of the stuff about virginity and like, terrible sex ed and worrying that it would hurt a ton and she'd bleed definitely weren't things I thought I'd write. I did not intend for the First Time (tm) scene to happen then and there but then... surprise dongle! Dicks out for the ship's swan song.

Q: What song did you listen to the most while writing this?

Q: Linger by The Cranberries, I think. A big Mood. And You Oughta Know, for appropriate Anger. Aaand Nothing Compares 2 U, of course. Tho I do wonder how many younger fandom bebs don't.... know that is a song title reference.

Q: What was your favourite part of the fic?

makapedia: I think... maybe the Halloween party, because Maka is such an unreliable narrator in this fic and she is so Clueless (haaaaaa, jokes) and it was the moment she Finally realized what Liz was trying to do. Also the moment where Soul realizes too was fun.

Q: Did you intend to write Liz as the actual soma fandom or was that accidental? (Complete with our adoration of Tsubaki.)

makapedia: LOL It was a little intentional, I guess, because she was Soul's close friend in the fic. But like, Maka misunderstanding everything just kept getting worse so it was a bit accidental. God I love Tsubaki. Liz has good taste. I don't super ship it a whole lot but I still wanted to try my hand at it. I wanted them to be happy and cute.

Q: What about your LEAST favorite scene!

makapedia: The breakup scene was hard for me to write and I'm still not happy with how it came out. It still feels forced in my heart, but I had to move on.

Q: WHAT'S NEXT?

makapedia: Iiiiii already have an idea of what I'm gonna do for Resbang next year so I cannot share that, buuuut I think I'm going to continue writing Not Lovers, weird mermaid AU I started recently? and probably more AUs. This is the year I write Too Many SoMa AUs, mark my words.

Q: Okay so Soul and Liz doing the do sort of killed my heart. Was that always planned?

makapedia: Hhhhaaaa that was planned ahead of time, I guess? I wanted Maka's jealousy to have some sort of basis. This tiny demi thing who can't wrap her head around sleeping with someone like that.

Q: It broke my heart but I found it so... realistic? Like I totally know people who've experienced that, and lots of people don't have their first time with their soulmate or true love or whatev so like it HURT but also... so, so true.

makapedia: Exactly, that was what I was going for. <3 Aaaand pushing my ace agenda, lol.

Q: Correct me if I read the thing wrong, but crona got adopted by Sid and Nygus??

makapedia: Iiiii do not remember. LOL, HECK. PLEASE.... HOLD.... /FRANTICALLY GOOGLES OWN FIC. YES. OKAY. Good I was like, I think I wrote that??? But then I haven't read that part in so long. I feel like people so often just throw Stein and Marie into the role of Crona's parents and I think I wanted to mix it up.

Q: I just... Crona living with Black☆Star had me in tears.

makapedia: Also that, exactly. You can bet your butt that weenie was probably Crona's dog, but Black*Star is the one who dressed it in a costume. I also had fun writing Soul and Crona bonding over Pokemon. Nerd shit. Soul, excitedly: did you hear they're making a video game? Maka is not as well versed in Pokemon as these nerds. Soul's probably laying there in that room with the weenie playing Tetris.

Q: That visual is gold.

makapedia: I also wanted to write Black*Star taking out Soul's ankles with a Skip-It. But alas.

---

Thanks again to makapedia for stoppin’ in!! More transcripts to come, stay tuned ~

#AMA transcripts #resbang book club #rbbc #resbang

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writer-w-magic · 8 years ago

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Left - Part 1 - Min Yoongi

Word count: 1701

Genre: angst (maybe a lil fluff, okay? I’m trash) Warnings: terminal diseases (cancer), major character death, minor character death, u r maybe gonna cry, idk, swearing, lots of it, man, mentions of past abuse and mental illnesses, mentions of sex, lots of whiskey and leather jackets, so drinking I guess??!? I guess it just abt covers this chap This is my first chaptered thing so b kind guys! It’s very personal for me, and it’s also for the beautiful, nurturing Unnie @angstsuga

(1.1.2013)

“3, 2, 1… Happy New Year!” Everybody’s shouting to the ceiling hugging, and some even kissing each other. (Y/N) feels Yoongi’s fluffy, pillowy lips meshing together with hers, taking her air and throwing it away. He parts maybe a minute afterwards, when his lungs are screaming for oxygen, and when a calm hand is guiding her forehead to his. “Happy New Year, (Y/N).” It’s softly whispered in the crook of her neck, making it inaudible to the rest of the future boyband, hopefully a sucessfull one, Bangtan Sonyeondan. “Happy New Year, Yoongi,” her lips collide with his nose, and then she hugs him harder then ever; because she knows that she maybe loses him afterward. That the next New Year she will spend alone, most certainly, and she makes her peace with it. It was only ever safe to hope, but never to trust in something as mysterious as future. They part when Hobi, one of the best dancers she’s ever seen, goofs his way on top of the table, to make a toast. There’s a little bit of beer shimmering in the glass, Hoseok’s lively eyes getting a new hue, for the lights have maybe been too dim, or he has just drunk more than he should? (Y/N) doesn’t mind. Anyway, she always liked Hoseok and honoured his presence in ways she can’t explain. “Well guys,” it’s a wide smile, blinding everybody. “For this New Year, we want a lot of things. First, for our group to be the most sucessfull one ever!” Claps, nods, whistles and ‘yeah’s’ go through before Hoseok continues. “We want health, good life, and every loved one to be safe and sound. We want love to continue growing, and for new one to create… And we want all our dreams to come true. For Bangtan, and its debut!” Hoseok finishes, raising his beer, albeit a little sloppily, so some is spilt on the crisp tablecloth. “For Bangtan!” Everybody agrees, and that’s it for the night.

* It’s yet not reqired for Yoongi to sleep strictly in the dorms yet. He allows himself, that after all other boys have left, to have a heated night with his girlfriend. It was a perfect, perfect mix of pleasure; her toes have curled all the while he let her scream her release in the form of his name in the pillows. When they are finished, they lay intwined, soft sheets curling around their frames. She wishes that this will never end. The bliss that she feels when she’s with him. But, music is his first love, and she thinks, I can’t compete with that. Sometimes she wishes, that like Yoongi says, there were just a tad more badassness in her than it already does. “But you’re perfect,” Yoongi would then say. “Different and all so sweetly mine…” She wishes that this will never end.

But everybody knows all good things must come to an end.

(13.06.2013) The Day Of The Debut

Bangtan Sonyeondan, Bulletproof Boyscouts, Bangtan Boys, or just simply BTS, debuted today with a song “No More Dream”, and members Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Kim Taehyung, Jung Hoseok, Jeon Jeongguk, Park Jimin and Min Yoongi. A little hell went to tow when (Y/N) saw Yoongi under the heavy makeup, a dangerous look, and the silly snapback on. But he had an other name, much more known than Yoongi. He was now recognized as Suga. But it’s still him, she thinks, under the stylist’s work, hard choreography and false aegyo. He’s still Yoongi, the underground rapper, the one who fights so hard for his dreams… Nevermind they debuted him as an idol, he’s still happy. He’s still okay with that. A selfish creature gnaws at the edge of a thought, gnaws and thriwes, and she cuts it out before it can grow further; but the thought remains. But, if he had been the producer, we would see each other more often. * It’s the middle of the day when she visits the dorm, knocking heavily, about to congratulate the boys for their bombastic results, and it was only the first day. BTS worked hard, and now, they have to work only harder. Jimin opens the door, makeup still on, clinging to his cute baby fat on his cheeks. The eyeliner is curved around his small eyes, making them even smaller and more curved. (Y/N) deems it unnecessary. “(Y/N) noona!” His voice is high pitched, like always, she senses the hyperactive note and ignores it, and hugs him harder than she would her older brother. “Jimin, congratulations! You were awesome! I-I-you were just- ugh, you were just… awesome,” althrough a little shaky, the confession is sincere and brings a blush to Jimin’s cheeks. “Aww, bless you (Y/N) noona! Thank you! But I wasn’t that good…” the boy begins to slip into self-depreciation, but she cuts him off. “Jimin. You were awesome. End of discussion.” The elder’s firm glare makes Jimin comply. She hugs him once more (because people need 8 hugs a day to keep being positive, even if they have a lot of insecurities, and Jimin is all of the above), and goes to the Yoongi’s room. He’s beautifully perched upon the bed, cuddled in the sheets like a small exausted potato. She nearly sobs at the sight. PMS can really do wonders to anxiety. She has a slight tremble in herself when she climbs into the bed with him; and bless Yoongi, because somehow his mattresses are always soft, and his fingers trap hers, arms caging them within each other. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” A slightly cold shiver races down her spine at his rugged and unused voice. “I wanted to surprise you.” “But we haven’t seen each other in three days.” “Exactly.” “Smartass.” “Your ass.” “You’re right there.” He lost the mini fight so he conforms, jutting slightly the curve of his nose to her jaw. Everything will be just fine. Yoongi stirs and unzips his jacket, trying to get a comfy position. “You were sleeping in your jacket?” “Yeah, why not.” “Yoongi… were you too tired to get it off?” “No, I just-” “Just because I have anxiety doesn’t mean you should shield me from a fact you are tired. It’s normal for people with your job. I love you. Don’t forget that. You’re supposed to tell me everything, and I am to you too. Okay?” A large, sincere, gummy smile spreads from the edge of his teeth to his cheeks. His pale skin looks a bit gaunt and the circles under his eyes have become darker. She kisses his eyelids, and his nose, covers his cheeks and forehead in pecks, and affectionate kisses, and Yoongi clenches their hands together just a bit tighter. “I love you. So, so much.” “I know Yoongi. I know.” They kiss patiently, for seemingly moments, and she realizes the length of her happiness. Threading her fingers through his dark hair, it’s a delight. He will have thousands of fangirls, but I am the only one he’ll love. I don’t doubt his love for a second. “Your debut was awesome. You were awesome. Althrough-” “I know. The wardrobe was suffocating me a bit.” They laugh at each other and how they finish one another’s sentences. “God, I miss you.” Yoongi’s lips are moving slowly in her hair, a beautiful, harmonious movement that is appreciating her very being, intimate and yet so small. “So…” Her words don’t even reach Yoongi properly when he’s asking her to pick some of her stuff over and put all his good grey shirts to her use. They don’t speak about the finality of his leave, and the hushed whispers of the six other boys, finally die down as they drift to soft sleep. * (Present Day) “Fuck. These are so uncomfortable.” Yoongi’s kind of moody today, and (Y/N) wants to weep at it.

“It will get better babe, just you watch. We will win this fight. Together!” Tears in her eyes, lying to herself, she clenches the pale hands in hers as hard as she can.

He absently rearranges the medication on the table, waiting for a miracle. * (14.06.2013)

“It’s a "Music Bank” debut show, we can’t fuck up.“ "Yoongi, of course you won’t.”

“But-”

“No buts. No go out there and set the stage on fire!” She nearly pushes him into a vase.

“I will. For you.”

“Aw, shucks. Why are you shaking up my heart? Huh?” He plays it cool, but blushes slightly.

“Dunno. You are just too cute, it’s difficult not to play with you.” Shrugs with the silly beanie he has on from the debut, ready and caked with make-up for the battlefield. The staff has allowed her behind the scenes, as an undercover make-up noona, as long as their relationship is secret.

“A good-luck kiss, please.” He taps his cheek impatiently, as a child would.

“Yeah, yeah.” She leans into his soft, baby scented skin and kisses it innocently, one would think platonically if it weren’t for the flame in their eyes.

“Good luck. Show them who’s Suga.”

“I will.”

The taste of his skin is still rich on her slightly chapped lips, even as he comes soaked in sweat off the debut stage. She’s fighting herself, she knows she is. Because it never ends - this life - this love - this song.

(Present Day) “Hyung.” Jungkook’s tall as always, but his stature is slightly slumped, he’s slightly scared of saying a wrong thing, his hyung laying near broken. So pale and so… lifeless. Jungkook offers something, a small sign of remembrance. “Hyung… would you please eat some lamb skewers with me?”

#min yoongi #yoongi #yoongi x reader #my writing #bts #angstsuga #angst #tw: cancer #tw: mild depression #agust d

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hinanaha · 6 years ago

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1-170 :)

lmfao james i swear to god

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? i wish i was 160cm cause i wanna be short and also then my weight would be healthy lmao2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) we all know i want a norwegian forest cat, and also a lizard would be cute3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? long flowing dress or skirts w blouses4: What was your favorite video game growing up? pokemon5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: my cats, what i will eat and how much a wanna be picked up and spun around one day6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? it wouldnt say anything it`d just have the crying laughing emoji like deepfried on red tape7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? u didnt say anything for this so ill state my opinion on meat which is yuck8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] none rlly fit me tbh9: Are you ticklish? yea….. 10: Are you allergic to anything? nope11: What’s your sexuality? lesbian (femme lesbian specifically)12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? coffee, tho i like all13: Are you a cat or dog person? CAT, im very picky abt dogs14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? elf15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? idk like i dont rlly watch youtube for anyone inparticular i just watch whatever16: How tall are you? 170cm17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? opal, just cause its my middle name and opals are my favourite gemstone18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] about 50kg (ik im underweight if anyone is concerned btw im fine its a sideaffect of one of my medications)19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? yes20: Do you like space or the ocean more? i love sharks and jellyfish so the ocean, however i am fucking scared of octopuses21: Are you religious? nope, never have been22: Pet peeves? men.23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? why does diurnal sound like urinal, but i like the day so that24: Favorite constellation? the pot thing cause its easy to spot25: Favorite star? the biggest one there is26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? i dont rlly see much of a use for them27: Any phobias or fears? arachnophobia, and aslo the dark 28: Do you think global warming is real? um yes definitely, because im not stupid29: Do you believe in reincarnation? i mean there aint even close to enough science backing or not backing it so i couldnt say, im neutral 30: Favorite movie? idk31: Do you get scared easily? id say more anxious then scared, like im a very jumpy and shaky person32: How many pets have you owned in your lifetime? idk like 20+ (chickens count)33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.] yes34: What is a color that calms you? peachy colours and whites35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? i would love to hike somewhere someday tbh i think itd be rlly magical, and i love nature so much36: Where were you born? Melbourne37: What is your eye color? blue grey38: Introvert or extrovert? introvert39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? to an extent40: Hugs or kisses? both at the same time41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? honestly kinda wanna see my nan rn for some reason42: Who is someone you love deeply? definitely my mum, she is the most important person to me43: Any piercings you want? i want a nose piercing, maybe a small decorative ring44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? yess i love them, i rlly want a tattoo someday45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? no i dont want to46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! i don`t have one47: What is a sound you really hate? i cannot stand the sound of animals licking themselves48: A sound you really love? wind chimes49: Can you do a backflip? i could if i wanted to50: Can you do the splits? no51: Favorite actor and/or actress? ashley johnston52: Favorite movie? this was already asked lmao53: How are you feeling right now? pretty chill but also kinda sad for no actual reason54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? im feelin a burgundy colour tbh55: When did you feel happiest? nothing specific rlly56: Something that calms you down? music57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] i have ADD also p bad anxiety58: What does your URL mean? mango boba yum59: What three words describe you the most? anti-social goblin witch 60: Do you believe in evolution? i do biology so yes61: What makes you unfollow a blog? they post stuff i dont care abt or triggering content62: What makes you follow a blog? pretty picture63: Favorite kind of person: someone who makes me feel special/loved64: Favorite animal(s): cats, bees, lizards, crows65: Name three of your favorite blogs. idfk tbh66: Favorite emoticon: im not on mobile but the sparkling heart one67: Favorite meme: i dont have a favourite68: What is your MBTI personality type? Infp/intp69: What is your star sign? taurus70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? no they cannot71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? pyjamas72: Post a selfie or two? icbb73: Do you have platform shoes? yes74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? i have a double jointed shoulder on one arm75: Can you do a front flip? yes76: Do you like birds? yes chirp 77: Do you like to swim? no lol it sucks i cant breath well when i swim and it freaks me out78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? ice skating, i love it, would take up lessons if they were available79: Something you wish didn’t exist: flies80: Some thing you wish did exist: giant domestic cats81: Piercings you have? just simple ear piercings82: Something you really enjoy doing: doing creative things w friends83: Favorite person to talk to: u already know its the council 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? funny mem85: How many followers do you have? 168 (i had 470 on my old blog)86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? ye but not always87: Do your socks always match? yes88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? yeah89: What are your birthstones? idk90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? surprising but id be a fox not a cat91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? lavenders baby92: A store you hate? bendigo iga, its shit93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? 1 otherwise my hands shake94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? neither tbh95: Do you like to wear camo? ii guess if it looks good96: Winter or summer? summer97: How long can you hold your breath for? a pretty long time actually, once held my breath for 3 minutes underwater98: Least favorite person? my dad99: Someone you look up to: no one100: A store you love? i dont like kpop anymore, but the owners of happytown were always so nice to me so i rlly like that store because of that101: Favorite type of shoes converse102: Where do you live? austrlia103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? im vegetarian, but i eat mostly vegan food, i rlly like animals and dont like the idea of eating them, also eating too many animal products can be unhealthy 104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? opal105: Do you drink milk? ye but not on its own106: Do you like bugs? yes, silly creetures107: Do you like spiders? im scared of them108: Something you get paranoid about? i dont rlly get paranoid much, but i sometimes get rlly paranoid something be watching me109: Can you draw: ye, reblog my art pls @yumeuwu110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? i cant remember lmao111: A question you hate being asked? i cant think of anything112: Ever been bitten by a spider? nope113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? yeah its pretty nice114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? both i guess, tho respectfully to their matching seasons115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: id cuddle my future gf rn :`)116: Favorite cloud type: .. w… poofy cloud117: What color do you wish the sky was? yellow would be pretty, but not piss yellow cause that`d be weird118: Do you have freckles? yea faint ones119: Favorite thing about a person: their lips, lips pretty120: Fruits or vegetables? veggies121: Something you want to do right now: sit on a warm hill in silence122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? sky123: Sweet or sour foods? im more of a savoury person124: Bright or dim lights? dim, sexy125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? i mean it aint impossible126: Something you hate about Tumblr: pointless discourse127: Something you love about Tumblr: nice people128: What do you think about the least? idfk129: What would you want written on your tombstone? oh my fuckin god she fuckin dead130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? no one, but im always ready to punch something131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? im very very selfless, which is nice but also makes me rlly sad sometimes132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? nah133: Computer or TV? computer134: Do you like roller coasters? hell yeah, they fun135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? i get motion sickness136: Are your ears lobed or attached? lobed137: Do you believe in karma? i guess138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? probably a 7, like im p cute139: What nicknames do you have/have had? uhhh anepeace (die mr flanagan that nickname is so ugly)140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? no, not that desperate yet (no offence to those who do have them im sure ur lovely)141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? yeah i see a psychologist monthly and also psychiatrist 142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? id like to say good143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? recieving144: What makes you angry? assholes145: How many languages do you speak fluently? 1146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? girls ;3147: Are you androgynous? nah148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: i have nice shoulders149: Favorite thing about your personality: i try to be considerate of others 150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. idk151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? honestly fine w this one152: Do you like BuzzFeed? some things153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] dont have one :((154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? nah155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? yea, prefer people playing w my hair tho156: What embarrasses you? anything that puts me at the centre of attention among strangers157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: loud noises158: Biggest lie you have ever told: i dont rlly tell lies so notin159: How many people are you following? i cbb to check160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? 7000+161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? 1162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? idfk163: Last time you cried and why: i cried cause i saw a floofy cat164: Do you have long or short hair? short hair165: Longest your hair has ever been: hip length166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? most religious views ive heard make no sense when compared to science so i dont rlly believe it167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? nah168: Do you like to wear makeup? sometimes169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? no im weak170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? ye

#answered

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sanguinesprout · 8 years ago

Text

@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!

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computationalcalculator · 8 years ago

Note

for the valentines ask: a l l

twin u lil’ shit…..fine :P

also before we get started, at least a few of the questions’ answers are gonna involve my first ex, which automatically makes them a Very Long Fuckin Story, that i 100% Do Not Have The Spoons For so for any of those i’m just gonna put a short answer and a ***. that in mind, here we go.

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

yeah, you, u fuckin nerd

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

Yep! Literally right now!

3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in?

3 wasted years***

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

yeah*** :/

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

My last ex and i are still pretty good friends (i think) (that anxiety feel when u think all ur friends hate u). The other one…….. ech***

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

…………….moving on***

7: Have you ever cheated?

fuck no, that’s a horrible thing to do to someone

8: Would you date someone who’s well known for cheating?

I suppose that depends on if it’s like, they cheated on someone I was good friends with and heard it from that person directly, or if it’s more like middle school gossip bullshit. First one probably not, second one probably.

9: What’s the most important part of a relationship?

COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

I am entirely too soft hearted to not be Hella Committed to ppl i’m dating

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on “breaks”?

In principle? Sure. But I feel like a lot of the time people talk about going on “breaks”, they really mean “it’s over but we’re not gonna SAY it’s over because Reasons” which is sorta like having “It’s Complicated” as a facebook status***

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

Like 0. See #10

13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

does being in the relationship at all count***

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

I’m over 18, which means I don’t get an opinion on that

15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”?

Depends, do you mean in the “you’re never too old to take up a new discipline or interest” way or the “highkey pedophile” way? Actually, phrasing it like that kinda shows you my opinion, so I’m gonna just move on

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”?

what is this straight people bullshit

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet?

Maybe not over just text chat (for me at least), but it’s 20-gotdamng-17. We have voice and video and all that shit. It worked for me, at any rate

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

If the other person is abusive or manipulative and just being around them feels unhealthy, get the fuck out.

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

See above tbh

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

anyway @twin-ace is a fucking nerd

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Assuming it didn’t end in too much fire and brimstone, absolutely! Yknow, if the person didn’t do anything Particularly Awful™ that prompted the breakup

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

I feel like being friends is the most important part of a relationship, so if you date someone you’re already friends with, that’s a big chunk of that awkward process out of the way early. That being said, if the person you want to date doesn’t want to date you, don’t be That Person, you feel me?

23: How many relationships have you had?

24: Do you think love can last forever?

Thought so***. Color me skeptical but optimistic.

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

anyway john lennon was an abusive dickwad. moving on

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of?

like in a “this person seems to be having a negative affect on your mental health” didn’t approve or like a “no son of mine’ll be datin’ no (slur)s” didn’t approve. bc like, i’d consider the first one (not automatic tho) but the second one goes in the bottomless complaint box over a garbage can.

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

Get the fuck out*** uhhhhh probably read up on signs of emotional abuse

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

god i hope so

29: What do you notice first about another person?

their hair 95% of the time. i’m all about that floof

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

I’m ace my guy

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

tbh if some people describe their mental state as a “cocktail” of mental shit, my brain is more like a Home Depot™ bucket of jungle juice

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

…………………….anyway***

33: Do you want to get married one day?

I mean, it’d be nice, but like. Mostly I just wanna live w/ bae and like wake up together and make breakfast together and do all sorts of other sappy gay shit, and you don’t need to be married for that.

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed?

Not until they invent a Ctrl-Z for tattoos that doesn’t hurt worse than falling into a tree chipper

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

I’m ace my guy

36: Are you still a virgin?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality?

throwback to the person i was highkey crushing on last year who turned out to be a trump supporter. needless to say, that ended up 100 Not Happening™

38: Do you enjoy love films?

… anyway i want death

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

Do paper ones count? bc if so, yes.

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”?

lets get sushi and fall asleep on the couch for five hours tbh

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”?

Yeah, in 9th grade. We actually had a teacher who went out of her way to point out all the dick jokes. It was amazing. Sure tf ain’t a love story tho

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends?

If either tried to make me choose between them, I’d probably go with the one not forcing me to make a choice. That being said, the whole squad is chill as fuck, so that’s not a problem

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”?

i’m such a fucking sap, squirrels in canada pull my ass out of maple trees

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

i mean highkey thats kinda what happened, so

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”?

I mean, I’ve had unrequited love before, but I wasn’t a 50 ton steaming douchetrain about it, so I’m going with “no”

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite?

I’m gonna be real honest here, I truly don’t get the Obsession™with relationships of people you straight up Do Not Know like they’re characters in a fuckin shoujo anime

48: What’s your favorite love song?

either Metropolis or Thunderstruck, both by Owl City.

49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I don’t think so? Probably not, anyway

50: If you’re single, why do you think you are?

51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douchebag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy?

assuming you mean a nice guy and not a Nice Guy™I’ll go with the second option

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

I’m not sure. for one thing, I don’t really give advice so much as just help people talk out what they’re lowkey already thinking. Also, so far I’ve only really had one person ask me long-term (more than a quick question) for relationship advice. over the course of a year and a half, in no particular order, he:

broke up with, and got back together with, the same person more times than I could remember

slept with basically anyone he could during the “off again” periods

punched out the guy she was cheating on him with during the “on again” periods, who was also her drug dealer

hit a (cement or brick, i don’t remember) wall hard enough to put a hole in it

get drunk and make important life decisions while drunk often enough to count as “regularly”

didn’t listen to a single fucking word of my advice during any of this or the year before all of it

needless to say, we aren’t friends anymore

......... let’s just chalk up the original question to a “maybe” and move on

53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single?

Singles Awareness Day is annoying, pass it on

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on Facebook)?

5 years ago, it was important enough to me that I made a Facebook specifically for that purpose. By the time that relationship ended, I didn’t even care enough about Facebook even existing to change it. come to think of it, the same status is probably still there.

55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”?

i’m 100% a clingy binch and so is bae, which is like, the best combination

56: Have you ever “destroyed” a relationship?

like, by existing, or what?*** but nah, never intentionally

57: Do you think it’s silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

... see on one hand i wanna say something trite like “suicide is never silly” but then i remember this morning i missed a 10 point homework assignment and thought about emailing my teacher “hey when i get to class can u literally murder me please, thanks in advance” for like 15 minutes

58: Are you the “dominant” or the “submissive” part in a relationship?

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner’s birthday or your anniversary?

I mean, I’ve forgotten other stuff, but nothing like that.

60: What’s your opinion on open relationships?

not my jam, but I get why people do it. I’m fine with people doing it as long as everyone involved knows and approves.

COMMUNICATION!!!!!

61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family?

family is a pretty broad category tbh. like, i don’t know most of my extended family, and i haven’t talked to my dad in literally a couple years, but I love my mom and grandparents.

62: How do you define “cheating”?

If you know you’re gonna have to either lie or apologize to your partner about it, and then you do it anyway, you can go fuck yourself

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

I personally don’t have an issue with it, but I’d talk it out with your partner.

COMMUNICATE!!!!!

64: Do you think Valentine’s Day is overrated?

Happy Capitalism Day™ Everybody

65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?

I’ll cuddle with literally any person i know who is willing to cuddle my cuddly ass. what kinda fuckin question…….

#anon asks #twin ace #send asks #valentine's day ask meme #Anonymous

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