#finally something to revive my cod obsession

[pyxis-stellae]

OKAY I FINALLY GOT MY HANDS ON MY COPY OF BO6 AND OH MY GOD

Here are my thoughts:

BO6 spoilers below the cut!!

I have only played the first mission of the campaign, but I'm already have so many feelings and AAAAAAAA

Okay, I like the new team. A lot. Marshall is cool, Harrow is even cooler (and she looks pretty with blood on her face....) and Case... (I'm not sure of pronouns. I'm guessing they might be that one nb character everyone was talking about, but my language doesn't have neutral pronouns so I'm confused). Case is something of their own. The fact the screen glitched when that one guy I don't remember the name (their target) mentioned the Pantheon is giving me Cold War and Bell flashbacks. I don't want to know if I'm right yet.

The idea that Adler was maybe involved with the shit show in Panama is... Something. But I don't trust Livingstone. Nor Adler. I trust Woods tho. Been trusting him for three games anyways

As for the gameplay, I like it a lot. I squealed like a kid when I got to use the robot car XD I miss the mechanic that would make aim automatic when there's a lot of enemies together tho

Overall I'm liking it a lot and I think it was worth every penny. I'll take a looong time to finish it but I'll probably keep updating this post

[alpaca-clouds]

Hector and Trauma

You know what. I wanna talk about Hector from Castlevania, specifically the Netflix version of the character. (Again: I hate CoD Hector, who just replaces his dead girlfriend for her fucking clone. That's just fucking low.)

As people might've noticed... I am kinda obsessing about this man right now. And the main reason is that... I really do identify with him in a way I have not identified with a fictional character before. I read him as autistic (though I am not sure whether he was supposed to be read that way or just happens to be written in a way that every single autistic person I know reads him so...) and I very much identify with the C-PTSD that he clearly has.

We do not know much about his childhood, other than "lonely kid revives animals to have friends" and "abusive parents". We do not know how far the abuse went, so whether it was just verbal abuse (which we know about) or went into physical abuse. All we know is that at some point he could no longer take it and killed his parents by setting the house on fire and locking them inside. We don't know, how old he was after this and what exactly he did after that. Only that in his early 20s he is somewhere on Rhodes with his undead animals, has already met Dracula once and then agrees to "cull" humans and then creates night creatures for Drac.

Again, there is little information for what has happened in the time in between. But we get enough information to understand that he has been at least somewhat mistreated by other humans, making him wish for humans to be somewhat culled.

Here my interpretation of him being autistic comes in, too. Because... an autistic child with an abusive home will completely lack social skills and hence will probably meet with a lot of abuse from other people. Because he would not know how to act around them.

Something we do see: He kinda seems to understand that Dracula is doing a genocide and not just a cull. But he very willingly ignores it or keeps himself soothed by thinking that he is just misunderstanding it until Carmilla comes in.

Now, Carmilla makes it clear that Dracula lied to him. But she obviously also betrays him and then abuses him. Something that is kinda ignored: During the march to Styria he is constantly abused. He has fresh bruises, when he arrives at Styria, making it rather clear, that he got beaten up constantly during the long march there. So: Say hello to even more trauma.

Along comes Lenore, her original violence against him and then obviously her betrayel. And let me make one thing clear: What she does to him in the finale of season 3 is sexual assault. Maybe not in the legal sense, but speaking of a psychological effect, it clearly is SA.

Obviously at that point we do have season 4. Where he seems kinda... fine. Like, what we see is, that he presents as fine. He is joking with Lenore. He is making his escape plan. He appears to be okay. Which is a state that seems to continue till the end of the show. Heck, we see him smile as Lenore dies........

And that should be a hint on how not-okay he is.

Let me talk about child abuse first. See, here is the thing: Children do not only develop physically, but also psychological and neurological. In that, they need to learn certain things at certain points in time. One of the first things children are supposed to learn, is to trust and mistrust. But for that they need a stable surrounding in which they can trust that they are cared for. Which children, who get abused or neglected, usually do not have. Especially with the dialogue we have from his mother: "I knew you were wrong from the moment you came out of me." (Note: This is another reason I read him as autistic, because at times autism shows even at infant age and without the information it might lead to parents not quite bonding with the child.)

They also need to learn some basic autonomy early on and to deal with self-doubt and shame. Which again abused children, who do not get encouraged to develop autonomy in a healthy environment and often might get shamed cannot develop.

Some other things they need to learn is how to deal with guilt, how to understand consequences, how to develop an identity and also what role they have in society. All things that children, who are abused, cannot properly learn. Additionally here, because Hector clearly has not found his own place in the society he lived in.

And this is something we actually do see in the show. He is absolutely unable to understand whom to trust or to see any red flags. He also is so clearly longing to be loved and praised by someone. Which is why he falls for Dracula and Carmilla and then Lenore. Heck, good chance that his understanding with Varney went something like that.

He is obviously not aware of this, but he is very much compensating for what was not given to him.

There are several characters over the entire story, that note how he has the mind of a child. And part of that is just, that he has childhood trauma and developmental delays because of it. And this delay is used again and again against him.

Something that is very noticable in the show is, that Hector never once cries. No matter how much he is abused and betrayed, he does not cry outside of the flashbacks where he is a kid. Now, in any other show it would not be that noticable, because we rarely do not see men cry in media........ but Castlevania is different here. Castlevania has no qualms letting the men cry.

Now, IRL it is obviously that a lot of men got taught not to cry. Because our society has the entire "boys don't cry" thing going on. BUT... I kinda doubt that is what is going on here.

See, one thing that happens in some cases, when people have amassed too much trauma, is, that they loose the ability for appropriate emotional responses to things happening to them. Mostly because the brain cannot process the emotion normally any longer.

Which is also why I think he is smiling in that last scene. Because... I mean, let's face it. The Lenore death thing has to be fucking traumatizing too. But he just... doesn't quite have the ability to process it in any proper way.

Now, how much of this is intended reading?

Honestly, I do have no idea. But at some points his behavior does make a lot of sense from the CPTSD point of view - and it is even called out by other character. Which kinda makes me think that at least some of it was intended.

Either way: I am rather thinking the man has a lot of healing to do post-canon. Because he not only has to heal from the stuff that happens to him in the series, but also the entire childhood trauma, that so very clearly is not addressed.

And if he addresses that trauma, there will also be a point in which he has to face his guilt. Because that is very much another thing he has not yet done.

Anyways. I adore him. And I want him to be alright. Q-Q

[rockislandadultreads]

Sometime Lovers, Complicated Relationships, & Psychological Insights: a reading list

The Ensemble by Aja Gabel

Jana. Brit. Daniel. Henry. They would never have been friends if they hadn't needed each other. They would never have found each other except for the art which drew them together. They would never have become family without their love for the music, for each other. Brit is the second violinist, a beautiful and quiet orphan; on the viola is Henry, a prodigy who's always had it easy; the cellist is Daniel, the oldest and an angry skeptic who sleeps around; and on first violin is Jana, their flinty, resilient leader. Together, they are the Van Ness Quartet. After the group's youthful, rocky start, they experience devastating failure and wild success, heartbreak and marriage, triumph and loss, betrayal and enduring loyalty. They are always tied to each other - by career, by the intensity of their art, by the secrets they carry, by choosing each other over and over again. Following these four unforgettable characters, Aja Gabel's debut novel gives a riveting look into the high-stakes, cutthroat world of musicians, and of lives made in concert. The story of Brit and Henry and Daniel and Jana, The Ensemble is a heart-skipping portrait of ambition, friendship, and the tenderness of youth.

The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides

It's the early 1980s - the country is in a deep recession, and life after college is harder than ever. In the cafés on College Hill, the wised-up kids are inhaling Derrida and listening to the Talking Heads. But Madeleine Hanna, dutiful English major, is writing her senior thesis on Jane Austen and George Eliot, purveyors of the marriage plot that lies at the heart of the greatest English novels. As Madeleine tries to understand why "it became laughable to read writers like Cheever and Updike, who wrote about the suburbia Madeleine and most of her friends had grown up in, in favor of reading the Marquis de Sade, who wrote about deflowering virgins in eighteenth century France," real life, in the form of two very different guys, intervenes. Leonard Bankhead - charismatic loner, college Darwinist, and lost Portland boy - suddenly turns up in a semiotics seminar, and soon Madeleine finds herself in a highly charged erotic and intellectual relationship with him. At the same time, her old "friend" Mitchell Grammaticus - who's been reading Christian mysticism and generally acting strange - resurfaces, obsessed with the idea that Madeleine is destined to be his mate. Over the next year, as the members of the triangle in this amazing, spellbinding novel graduate from college and enter the real world, events force them to reevaluate everything they learned in school. Leonard and Madeleine move to a biology laboratory on Cape Cod, but can't escape the secret responsible for Leonard's seemingly inexhaustible energy and plunging moods. And Mitchell, traveling around the world to get Madeleine out of his mind, finds himself face-to-face with ultimate questions about the meaning of life, the existence of God, and the true nature of love. Are the great love stories of the nineteenth century dead? Or can there be a new story, written for today and alive to the realities of feminism, sexual freedom, prenups, and divorce? With devastating wit and an abiding understanding of and affection for his characters, Jeffrey Eugenides revives the motivating energies of the Novel, while creating a story so contemporary and fresh that it reads like the intimate journal of our own lives.

One Day by David Nicholls

15th July 1988: Emma and Dexter meet for the first time on the night of their graduation. Tomorrow they must go their separate ways. So where will they be on this one day next year? And the year after that? And every year that follows?

My Oxford Year by Julia Whelan

Set amidst the breathtaking beauty of Oxford, this sparkling debut novel tells the unforgettable story about a determined young woman eager to make her mark in the world and the handsome man who introduces her to an incredible love that will irrevocably alter her future—perfect for fans of JoJo Moyes and Nicholas Sparks. American Ella Durran has had the same plan for her life since she was thirteen: Study at Oxford. At 24, she’s finally made it to England on a Rhodes Scholarship when she’s offered an unbelievable position in a rising political star’s presidential campaign. With the promise that she’ll work remotely and return to DC at the end of her Oxford year, she’s free to enjoy her Once in a Lifetime Experience. That is until a smart-mouthed local who is too quick with his tongue and his car ruins her shirt and her first day. When Ella discovers that her English literature course will be taught by none other than that same local, Jamie Davenport, she thinks for the first time that Oxford might not be all she’s envisioned. But a late-night drink reveals a connection she wasn’t anticipating finding and what begins as a casual fling soon develops into something much more when Ella learns Jamie has a life-changing secret. Immediately, Ella is faced with a seemingly impossible decision: turn her back on the man she’s falling in love with to follow her political dreams or be there for him during a trial neither are truly prepared for. As the end of her year in Oxford rapidly approaches, Ella must decide if the dreams she’s always wanted are the same ones she’s now yearning for.

[spintrebuchet-blog]

The Djokovic Paradox: Reigniting a burnt out comet and the super Serb’s new nemesis

Legionnaires and Centurions! Gather around! The Finals of the Rome Masters we just finished and now we have arrived at the French Open. The Clay Slam. 

Back in Rome, Zverev faced off against Djokovic...and won. I’ll let that sink in for a moment. The master of masters 1000′s was beaten, in straight sets, by a talented rookie playing his first final at that level? Yup. That actually happened. 

“Poor is the pupil who does not surpass the master”

A famous quote attributed to the most storied polymath of all time – Da Vinci. Remember this.

Djokovic hasn’t been playing great this year. Everyone’s been reported on this and unfortunately if you were to google the words, ‘Slump’ and ‘Djokovic’, it would appear a million times (309,000, to be precise).

I’ll confess to you: I’m a Rafa fan and from 2015-2016, my sister (who is probably the biggest Novak fan) tormented me with texts, dripping with sarcasm after every one of Rafa’s seven losses against the mighty Serb.

Flashback

Location: Caja Magica. Also known as the Magic Box.

The sun blazed above the Caja Magica stadium. Clad in my burgundy suit and tie, I was in attendance. My Beretta was holstered, just in case I received the text from the mysterious tennis benefactors (also known as the MTB) to shoot Ille Natase. Far too magnanimous, she was and called off the hit (That was an insiders joke that only tennis junkies would understand). Anyways, no point letting a good ticket go to waste, so my bottom eagerly clung onto the comfortable seating, and I sipped my lemonade. 

Nadal, came onto the court first, because he was the lower seed; but most odds makers favored the Spaniard because of his good form. The Spanish crowd cheered him on fervently. I’m not going to make this about the King of Clay. (Don’t complain now. I’m writing a separate piece on him).

There’s something about the sight and feel of red clay that reminds me of the gladiators of the Roman Empire. Sipping my drink, I surveyed both of them. Nadal looked determined to snap his seven match losing streak against the mighty Serb. That fervent obsessiveness was in his eyes and you could see it. (On related news, my tour guide, got me some roasted cod. Quite scrumptious). 

Then came Djokovic. The higher seed. There were some cheers for him, but he was hardly the crowd favourite in the strongly partisan crowd. Don’t expect that to faze him. He managed to feed off the hate that spilled from the American crowd when he played against Roger in New York in 2015. But, he wasn’t in that same rhythm anymore. His box lacked his old-time backbone – Marian Vajda. The match ended after two hours. There was no sarcastic text from my sister. Nadal had finally snapped is seven match losing streak against Novak and has galvanized his status as the undisputed favorite for the French Open. 

(Head’s up: I’ll be tangoing between the second and third person. I’d like to address Novak directly here). 

You have a winning record against Federer and Nadal. (23-22 & 26-24). History can never be erased. Numbers are objective. Muscle memory can kick in anytime. It just takes six matches. Every supernova needs just one spark. All know this. Nadal, of all people, dismissed Spanish reporters of your so-called slump. No one expected the bombastic vintage throwback to 2007. Federer and Nadal are on your tail again. You thrive off rivalries. They’re back. Becker said it himself last year that one of the reasons you cooled during the second half of 2016, was because “your rivals were not there”. 

If it weren’t you, Nadal probably would have passed Federer’s Slam total by now. But, you took this game to a new level. Even a diehard Nadal fan would concede that. You’re one of the Big 4! Tennis’s equivalent of the Justice League! (That reminds me, why don’t more tennis players get into movies? Am I the only one who would love to see a buddy cop franchise with any one of the Big 4, alongside Shaq? It’d be ridiculously fun). 

And, now let us get to the matter of your new nemesis. It isn’t Federer. You haven’t faced him this year, and he is miles ahead of you in the Barclays Race to London. Nor is it Nadal, who is noisily gunning for the number one ranking again. You faced him this year just once…and lost. But, it’s not him either. You were beaten twice this year…by…Nick. I suppose on court, you could consider him to be a rival. He has beaten you on the tangible tennis court. Nevertheless, tennis is a psychological sport - so it’s not him either. (Has my preamble gone longer than needed? Almost there).

It’s Boris Becker.

Yes. You read correctly. A six time grand slam winner. Former world number one. The Baron Von Slam from Germany. The old mentor. He’s gotten inside your head. With not-so cryptic tweets directed towards to you after your defeats, he really does take extra relish in rubbing salt in your wounds.

The silent message: You were a winner when I coached you; and a loser without me.

(During happier times)

And, the thing is…don’t hate me for it, but I do find all this drama to be…deliciously entertaining.

Becker once famously said, “I am not God. I am far from perfect”. Tennis players, retired and current, tend to be extremely diplomatic in their opinions. Even politicians are rarely as politically correct. Not Becker though. Right from the start of this year, he has dropped such shade on his former protégé, that Regina George would have been impressed.

Becker expected Djokovic to keep him by his side as they chased Federer’s slam total. Becker’s vindictiveness probably was no more reflective when he praised Novak’s dethroner at Indian Wells, Nick, with the following tweet:

“Hope my man, Novak, is watching”.

(In my mind, that’s Becker’s expression through that match in California. I love the fact that Becker has such an appetite for melodrama. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s fond of Shakespeare. He’s openly admitted that he never wants anyone to surpass his prodigal breakthrough at Wimbledon at the age of 17). 

I wonder if on some level, Becker wants to motivate him, to use his criticisms to spur him to his old self. Or, maybe, it is coming from his Id and not his SuperEgo. I am reminded by a line by the great Augustus, “I found Rome a city of bricks, and left it a city of marble”.

If you think my theory is too far-fetched, then wait. I have proof. It was reported in numerous sources that Djokovic’s new super coach is going to be Agassi. Becker’s old nemesis. The guy who managed to read his Blitzkrieg serve by the way he would stick his tongue out on each ball serve. Has he found an ally in this psychological war against his former mentor? 

You brought Becker to help deal with your tangible nemesis – Nadal. And, this time another super coach. Your silence to Becker’s quotes could be interpreted as magnanimity. But, I’d like to quote one of my favorite video game characters, GlaDOS,

“We have both said a lot of things that you are going to regret”. That’s GlaDOS laying it down to Wheatley in Portal 2, and then proceeds to banish him to the Moon. 

The silent message he has sent: ‘Time for an upgrade’. Open Era experts would all concede that Agassi had a better career than Becker, being one of only two individuals with a career golden slam (Nadal, being the other).

Imagine if you made to the finals at Roland Garros. I know, I know. There are many obstacles ahead. Besides, Nadal, there’s Thiem, who is showing good form, plus the likes of Zverev, Wawrinka and Dmitrov. Plus, there’s Krygios. But, a key part of sport psychology is visualization. Just imagine if you were there again. Wouldn’t it be quite satisfying to repeat the Guga heart across the Phillipe Chartier Stadium again?

Becker’s going to be watching. 

Surprisingly, Becker sent out a tweet, praising Novak’s move to hire Agassi. A diplomatic touch, perhaps?

There is a Spanish song by the band – Gotan Project – Epoca; this springs to mind, particularly the first verse. 

“Si desapareció

en mi aparecerá

creyeron que murió

pero renacerá

(which translates to)

If he disappeared

I would believe

That he died

but will revive.

There’s more history to be written. There are more memories ahead. Do me a favor and just don’t lose to Krygios because then both me and my sister are going to be bummed out. Nadal’s ranked fourth and he just missed out on being the third seed (to Wawrinka, by a hundred points). 

This means the two of you could possibly face each other in the semi-finals. Just like the good old days of 2013, when the two of you dueled in what many regard to be the greatest clay-court match, ever. 

The legendary skier - Shane McConkey, once said that “there’s no better feeling than that moment before you take off”. It’s time to hit the ignition again. Slap that crosscourt sliding backhand – a thousand times if you have to. You destroyed Thiem in less than an hour at Rome. Zverev’s serve left you undone in the finals at Rome. But, that’s not a Grand Slam. In a best of five setter, I’d say experience trumps exuberance. 

I can understand the hiring of Pepe Imaz, with his quasi mantra of ‘Love & Hugs’. And, Becker’s strict coaching regime reminds me of J.K Simmons from Whiplash. But, we have months of hindsight now and lets admit it together, that Pepe’s nuttier than a squirrel’s snack box. Anyways, good luck with Agassi. Idemo!