#fifty-shades-of-karkat

[crazyexdirkfriend]

What's the behind the scenes for shag etc? 👀 (also the icon on your blog theme is so cute...)

ty ty! it's from chapter 2 of two short hours etc. in case anyone didn't see it. okay this might get long so read more time

I have so many behind the scenes for that. Firstly: the playlist. this is what I made because my huge dirkjake playlist isn't thematically consistent. but to elaborate on the Lore of my choices:

dirt-emma blackery is actually the song that gave me the idea for the fic, and then down for the count-bowling for soup played afterwards. the key being snarky bits like "then you came on twitter saying i'm bitter, honey have you looked in the mirror" "how far down will you go on me, ONLINE" "guess things go sour after they pass their sell-by-date"

dead girl walking (reprise) was initially on my playlist for calvariæ and strip away my conscience (FIFTY SHADES OF MORALLY GREEEY) was on my two short hours etc. playlist, but both made the migration over thematically

someone gets hurt is solely on this for POOOOR LITTLE ME ALL TRAPPED IN THIS FABULOUS SHOOOOW. jake in a golden bird cage of his own making.

the bit where jake walks out on stage to endorse karkat with the back light is based on the music video for taylor swift's "i bet you think about me" when she...well comes out with a back light to "the voice is so loud, saying 'why did you let her go?'" it's very revenge dress moment for jake here. rip princess diana, she would have loved my fanfiction where dirk and jake hunt each other for sport.

i'm on it by the cast of nashville is on this because "the only over i'll be is over your shoulder" is why i have jake make those stupid billboards to haunt dirk with.

god is a freak is on this. but dirk is god in this scenario. WEIRD YOU'RE ACTING LIKE MY BOYFRIEND :///

Some other behind the scenes lore, like deleted scenes: I was supposed to rehash the scene where Roxy (and Jake) comes out as NB but it didn't fit in the end. Here's the excerpt I did write

There was also supposed to be a scene where Jake sent Dirk this meme but I forgot to put it in. I instead complained on Twitter about forgetting to put it in and then my third level lecturer SENT ME MY OWN TWEET and then offered me work. I am still haunted by this fact. I have no idea why this happened. Deep deep lore. Here's the image btw

This scene was also supposed to be in it but I had no idea where to go with it. Raccoon was supposed to be a series regular.

This note on the final conflict scene is the only time I used the term "emotionally devastate." The fic was unnamed until literally 3 days before its release bc I couldn't think of anything other than "the blood between us is horrendous but in a vacillating manner as opposed to a xenophobic one- (Troll Taylor's Version)" which was way too long considering no one ever types the full name of shag emotionally devastate etc. anyway lmao

The billboards and the bloat advertising on the dating apps are things I've had Jake do before in RP, both deliberately and accidentally. I find it so infinitely funny to think about the idea of Jake believing so hard that Dirk would never love anyone other than him that he (hope powers) makes it functionally impossible for Dirk to move on. Dirk looks for him in nothing and finds him there anyway. Buys a drink at a bar and Skaianet sponsors Orange Crush now. Is on a date with some guy who is like "hold on, you're jake english's ex? you broke up with jake english? sorry I could never date anyone stupid enough to let jake english go" (shoving breadsticks in purse). I think Jake would also set up Tinder so he pops up every three swipes but when Dirk swipes right on him eventually he just gets a Skaianet helpdesk bot

Other behind the scenes hmm. I spent the vast majority of 8-10 weeks not writing this and 4 weeks actually writing the bulk of it, but most of the time was spent hand wringing on discord because I was convinced that this fic would not be received well so I'm actually hugely pleasantly surprised that people have liked it!

[crappy-homestuck-confessions]

Headcanon Anon here with how the kids beat the heat!

John-Doesn't really "do" temperatures so heat isn't a problem for him.

Rose-Uses a fan and ceases active activity; doesn't like being hot but will not accept being too cold either so prefers not to use air conditioners.

Dave-Freeze pops and, in extreme situations, taking out the food and shelves and putting himself in the refrigerator. "You are the reason all those kids died in the fifties" Karkat tells him.

Jade-Air conditioners and just lying down in the shade.

Terezi-Shaved ice and throwing herself on Kanaya who she naturally assumes is cooler due to being a Rainbow Drinker (She's not and Kanaya doesn't like it. Terezi keeps doing it.)

Kanaya-Swims or take cold showers.

Tavros-Cold drinks and shuts the blinds.

Karkat-Talks in a lower, baritone voice to conserve energy; it tends to creep out/strangely arouse his friends.

Sollux-Doesn't do temperature like John so never a problem for him.

Feferi-Temperature usually isn't a problem for her but in case it is, she dives for the nearest body of water.

Eridan-Same as Feferi but also uses cool drinks.

Nepeta-Prefers shade and the occasional dip in a lake to stay cool.

Equius-Towels. Lots of them. Cool glasses of milk when the going gets tough.

Meenah-Swims and steals ice.

Vriska-Air conditioning and drinks water.

Jane-Air conditioning and fans.

Jake-Shade and fans and sometimes, he runs around a bunch until he passes out; when he wakes up, it's usually cooler.

Roxy-Uses fans and closes doors to keep cool air in.

Dirk-Portable AC he built; takes it with him everywhere.

Aradia-Nothing; just stewed even when she was alive.

Gamzee-Ice cold faygo; sometimes just lies face down and waits for it to be over.

Damara-[Redacted]

Rufioh-Strips.

.

[ceabu]

Instead of fifty shades of grey it's called fifty shades of pale, it's a pale porn novel. Karkat owns a copy, probably a bit embarrassed to tell Gamzee about it, but tells him anyway

Oh my god he would own it lol the perv

[missfinefeather]

Okay, I’m convinced. This was originally Homestuck fanfiction where Dave takes Karkat on a roadtrip across America. Eventually they replaced the HS characters with their some OCs ala Fifty Shades.

I’m convinced that’s what happened!

[carnivorousbelvedere]

If director Dave Strider opens a restaurant, food critic Karkat Vantas is inevitably going to eat there, and write about it:

WHEN ONE SAYS THE LUDICROUS WORDS ‘HELLA KITCHEN’ TOGETHER, YOU WOULD MUCH RATHER HOPE THAT THEY ARE REFERRING TO A COOKING AREA IN THE BAY AREA OF NORTH CALIFORNIA AND NOT ACTUALLY AN ESTABLISHED RESTAURANT. UNFORTUNATELY, IT’S THE LATTER THAT’S TRUE.

‘HELLA KITCHEN’ IS A RESTAURANT OWNED BY INFAMOUS DIRECTOR DAVE STRIDER ON A PROMINENT CORNER IN THE SPRAWLING CITY OF LOS ANGELES. IT IS SADLY FAR TOO LATE FOR SOMEONE TO TELL HIM HE SHOULD STICK TO HIS DAY JOB.

IT IS A STRANGE NAME INDEED FOR A RESTAURANT THAT SHOULD REQUIRE A CREDIT CHECK BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN BE SEATED.

PRIOR THE EVENING I ATE THERE, I HAD NEVER LEFT A RESTAURANT WONDERING IF I SHOULD CALL MY LAWYER.

DAVE STRIDER, DID YOU EVER THINK THAT INTERIOR DESIGN SHOULDN’T BE CAPABLE OF CAUSING MIGRAINES? OVERALL, IT IS COLORED WITH SHADES OF YELLOW, FUCK YOU, AND RED. IT IS AN AMORPHOUS MESS OF SHODDY ARCHITECTURE.

ONCE YOU MANAGE TO MAKE IT TO YOUR TABLE WITHOUT A SUDDEN BOUT OF SEIZURES THEN YOU MAY HAVE THE UNPLEASANT OPPORTUNITY TO VIEW THE WHIRLING KALEIDOSCOPE SHITSTORM OF A MENU THAT SOMEHOW DOESN’T EXPLODE WITH SPARKLES AND GLITTER WHEN YOU OPEN IT. EVEN THEN, YOU HAVE TO PROCESS APPETIZERS STARTING AT A 50$ MINIMUM.

IF THERE IS ONE THING DAVE STRIDER DOES NOT KNOW THE DEFINITION OF, IT’S RESTRAINT.

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER, DAVE STRIDER, THAT JUST BECAUSE YOUR CAVIAR IS FIFTY-YEAR AGED, IT MAY NOT ACTUALLY BE GOOD? DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT FRESH FISH OVERTAKES THE NEED FOR IT TO BE SLICED BY A 3-MICHELIN STAR SUSHI MASTER CHEF WHO LIVES IN JAPAN?

WHEN YOU FINISHED YOUR APPETIZER MENU, DID YOU PANIC THAT YOU MENTIONED LAMBDA PREMIUM ULTRA EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL THREE TIMES ALREADY?

WHEN YOU ARRANGED YOUR SEASONAL SALADS, DID IT CROSS YOUR MIND THAT PLUMS GROWN ON THE KENNEDY FARM WERE ONLY A LITTLE EXCESSIVE?

WHEN YOU PICKED YOUR ENTREES, WAS IT NECESSARY TO MENTION YOUR CAYENNE PEPPERS GROWN BY KANYE?

DAVE STRIDER, DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE PEOPLE SAT DOWN IN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT THEY DIDN’T WANT TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAILED BY YOUR MENU? DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT NAMING YOUR DESSERTS AFTER SEX POSITIONS SHOULD MAKE YOU LIABLE FOR ASSAULT?

WHY WAS THE MENU SO TALL BUT THE FONT SO SMALL? SHOULD YOUR ENTREES HAVE READ LIKE A DESCRIPTION AND NOT A DISSERTATION?

‘NEW ZEALAND SOURCED CHARCOAL LAMB WITH LONG CLAWSON WHITE STILTON GOLD CHEDDAR, BUTTER LETTUCE GROWN AT WALDEN RIDGE FARM, KRISHNA COW MILK HOUSE FERMENTED YOGURT TZATZIKI SAUCE, HIMALAYAN SOURCED YAK BUTTER SAUTEED RED ONIONS AND HOMEMADE GILROY GARLIC BRIOCHE BUNS.’

WHY DID I THINK YOUR CRUDO RESEMBLED DISEASED HUMAN SKIN? WHAT CAUSED IT TO HAVE THE CONSISTENCY OF PLASTIC? HOW COME I FORGET IT AS SOON AS THE PLATE LET MY FIELD OF VIEW?

WHO MADE YOUR PLUM SALAD STICKY LIKE A COLLEGE FRATERNITY’S FLOOR? WHY WAS THE HOUSE GARDEN WATERCRESS SO TASTELESS? HOW DID YOUR AGED BALSAMIC DRESSING BECOME SO BRUTALLY ACIDIC?

WHY DID I MISTAKE MY BURGER FOR JAY-Z’S NECKLINE? HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO MAKE A RUSTIC DISH FEEL LIKE IT BELONGED AS A CENTERPIECE AT ALAIN DUCASSE? HOW COME I WONDERED THAT YOUR FRIES WERE TOO COLD AND OIL-SOGGY TO ENJOY?

WHY IS YOUR CHAMPAGNE ICE CREAM MORE LIKE A WATERY ICE CONE THAN ICE CREAM? WHY ARE YOUR IMPORTED GUAVAS SO SOUR? WHY DID YOU INCORPORATE SEXUAL LUBRICANTS INTO A MEAL? HOW CAN YOUR FOOD BE SO EXPENSIVE BUT THE TASTE SO AWFUL?

WHY ARE YOUR MOVIES TERRIBLE, AND YOUR RESTAURANT EVEN WORSE?

THESE ARE ALL QUESTIONS I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO ASK WHILE DAVE STRIDER ATTENDED TO MY EVERY WHIM.

WHILE I SAT ACROSS FROM HIM THAT FATEFUL EVENING, DID IT EVER CROSS HIS MIND THAT I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN HIS COMPANY? WHY DID HIS TASTE IN WINE SCREAM OF MONEY INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL PALATE? WAS HE HOPING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE HORRIBLE DECOR? HIS COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE AS A RESTAURANT OWNER?

WHAT KIND OF DESPERATION DOES IT TAKE FOR A RESTAURATEUR TO SIT WITH A FOOD CRITIC? JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS DONE BEING ASSAULTED BY THE MENU AND DECOR, STRIDER DECIDED HE NEEDED A TURN.

I WILL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS AND MYSELF THE PAIN OF RECALLING THEM.

IF I WORK EXTREMELY HARD AND AM A LITTLE LUCKY MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL FORGET.

[ectoflowermaid]

DaveKat - Do I know you?

Hey y’all it’s been a hot second, trying to get back into writing for my pirates? fic and this is one of my favorite niche tropes, it’s just a lil oneshot for now but I might expand on it later if it’s something you’d want to see? Just testing the waters iGuess, any and all feedback much appreciated!!!!

———————————————————

You were in the YA romance section.

Well.

Technically it said ‘teen romance’, but you, Karkat Vantas, nearly ten sweeps old (or approximately 21 human years) and verifiably a young adult preferred to address it as such, if only in your head.

Besides, the only other person or troll in the bookshop that you could see was Kanaya, and she was sweating just as much as you looking for a trashy lesbian vampire novel.

The bell above the door rang and another group of college-age kids walked in. You didn’t recognize them. You still didn’t want them seeing you perusing teen books with a laser focus, so you shifted behind the stacks just slightly and examined the group as they noisily entered. Laughing raucously. Fucking idiots.

You came here to get away from all the noise, you couldn’t help feeling a little bitter that you and Kanaya weren’t the only ones who sought the fortitude of an old bookshop, the three humans who had walked in and now split their own ways didn’t even look like they belonged here. More like on the cover of some fashion magazine, Karkat couldn’t help but follow them with his eyes. Was it his imagination or were they...glowing?

He shook his head. Just another group of human jerks, probably. One of the girls, one with short black hair and cherry red glasses made a beeline to the recipe books, much to the apparent entertainment of the other two, as they shared a meaningful look.

The other girl turned back fondly and spared her cooking companion a fond look before she ambled off through to look at old cassettes and records. Her very pink skirt matched the very pink clips scattered haphazardly through wild, blonde hair, and she danced through the aisles to music it seemed only she could hear.

The remaining human was a guy about Karkat’s own age, messy blond hair that, unlike his companion, looked intentionally so, and darkly reflective shades perched on a strangely delicate nose, headed straight for him.

What?

No. He was headed for the comics a few stacks short. Karkat let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He turned around to look at Kanaya, she had picked up some trashy vamp novella and was perched in an overstuffed armchair in the far corner of the shop. Definitely wouldn’t be moving for a while. Karkat absentmindedly selected a book without looking at it and pretended to skim the book sleeve as he peeked through the shelves to see what shades coolkid was looking at.

Shades gingerly plucked an exceptionally old comic from the rack and something strange passed over his face. Nostalgia? Humor? Bitterness? Impossible to tell. The cover was tacky, some old, super famous comic Karkat had heard of but never bothered reading. The background was black, almost like space, but it was shattered like a prism, rainbow cracks in space and time. What was it called? Karkat wracked his brain. Homesafe? Homestruck? Homestuck. Based on mythology and the ways of the Old Church, it was supposedly a classic, although some particularly nasty New Church members had tried to get it banned in schools a few years back. They said it was nothing but, “lies and sacrilegious content, meant to rot kids’ brains out”.

Religion had never been Karkat’s thing.

Shades held up the comic to show the girl in the music section. He waved it tauntingly and she rolled her eyes in return. He set it back down and continued to search through the old comic books aimlessly.

Was he being creepy? Karkat definitely felt like he was being creepy. It was something about the asshole, he was too well dressed, but still somehow managed to look sloppy. If Karkat looked sloppy it was because he couldn’t afford to look any better. This fuckface was in a long black coat, darkwash jeans, clean red converse, and a red sweater over an untucked black button-up. And he had a long red scarf. Stupid asshole. Stupidly tall. Stupidly attractive. Stupid-

“Karkat? Are you almost done?” Kanaya materialized behind him with a respectable stack of books in her arms. “Would you like me to wait for you before I check out?”

“Um,” Karkat recovered from having had to resist the urge to leap back fifty feet. “No, yes. No. Um. I haven’t...”

He looked helplessly down at the meager pile of books he’d collected. He felt no particular attachment to any of them, or if he had when he’d pulled them he had forgotten his intrigue almost immediately.

Kanaya smiled patiently. “I will see you tomorrow for coffee as planned, yes?”

“Yes,” Karkat nodded emphatically. “Absolutely. Fucking yes. That.”

Kanaya hid a smirk as he turned to walk away before pausing. “Oh, by the way,”

“Hm?” Karkat responded distractedly as he stole a glance back toward the comic section. Shades was gone.

“Get his number, will you dear?”

Kanaya laughed and winked as Karkat fought to avoid turning bright red. Fucking figures.

Karkat sighed and looked at the pile of books at his feet. He slowly began to put them back, peering through the shelves as inconspicuously as he could. He couldn’t explain why he was so fascinated by this guy, this dumb human boy. It was more than that he seemed attractive, more than that he looked like the usual asshole Karkat liked to get his heart broken by, he seemed familiar. Like out of a dream, or a drawing. Like-

Karkat really did leap back this time. He had peered through a crack in the books and a pair of darkly reflective glass frames met him eye for eye. Fuck.

There was a wild scrambling from the other side of the bookshelf, then the human appeared at the end of the aisle and stopped in his tracks. He was breathing heavily. Or he was holding his breath? Karkat couldn’t be sure, but his heart sped up of its own accord.

Something about this human boy who stood there, stance wide, long legs planted apart, firmly. One arm reached toward the shelf as if he’d used the edge to spin around about-face, the other limp, distant, at his side. Face passive.

“Did she. Um.” His voice was crackly, rough around the edges. As if he hadn’t used it in some time. Or as if he had been crying. “Did she call you Karkat?”

Karkat blinked. “Yeah? What the fuck is it to you?”

Shades exhaled in an almost-laugh, breathy and disbelieving. He half turned around as if to say something to someone at his side, but upon realizing no one was there, spoke to himself.

“After all these years,” he muttered. “Fucking millennia. Like a bad joke.”

“Can I fucking help you?” Karkat said.

“Do you like comics?” Dave asked, taking a step closer. He pulled a shiny copy of a popular comic Karkat definitely recognized, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

“Not that fucking bullshit,” Karkat made a face. “If you have anything that’s actually good, then maybe.”

Shades didn’t seem particularly offended by this scathing review. Just continued toward Karkat, a small smile gracing his face. He got the sense that this was a barely contained emotion.

“You know, I really fuckin’ think I do,” Shades lifted his namesake off his nose and pushed it to the top of his head, scraping any pale hair up and out of the way. He fixed Karkat with a pair of bright red eyes. Karkat, who was no expert on humans, was fairly certain that eyes were not supposed to come in that particular shade. After all, even as a troll, his own weren’t.

Shades looked off toward his friends and gave a nod in their direction. “I’ll be seeing you around, Karkat.”

There was a sudden sound of ticking, gears turning, and then Karkat was alone in the shop.

Shades was gone, and so were his female friends. It was almost as if Karkat’s brain had missed something, skipped a step. They were there, they were gone, and his brain had blinked in the middle during the process where point A bridged to point C.

Karkat searched through every stack, as if maybe the three human strangers were all in on some elaborate prank and just really good at hiding, but it was useless. He ended up right back to where he started.

Only now, there was something on the ground where Shades had been standing. The old comic he’d been looking at earlier. Homestuck, volume I. And a note.

“yo. its not perfect obviously because what really went down was a mad shitshow, and its missing some stuff. gotta simplify if you wanna spread the word i guess. anyways, this might fill in the spaces. or at least, i really, really fucking hope it does.

- d”

Karkat looked around the shop, as if he might catch whoever was responsible. No such luck.

“What the fuck?” He whispered. He had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

[grinningreaperwrites]

Slow Morning

Summary: DaveJadeKat. Mornings. Fluff.

      I woke to someone (Jade) pressing wet puppy-kisses to my cheeks, before leaning over me and presumably waking Karkat as well. The big troll grumbled and rolled into my shoulder, and Jade leaned back and smiled brightly at her boyfriends.

          “Aww! Snuggly little puppies!” She chirped, before swaying out of the room. “I’m making bacon-bagels! Don’t be late!” she called over her shoulder.

       Karkat propped himself up on an elbow to call after her. “You play dirty, Harley!” I let myself roll into the dip from his arm and curled around it, hiding my face in the blankets and enjoying the reverberation from his growly morning voice as it shivered through my chest. “C’mon, Dave, she’ll feed our bacon to the dogs if we’re late.”

          “A Knight of Time is never late.” I told his arm. “And, I have fifty-seven hours before I have to be a famous movie director again. It’s nine thirty-two in the morning on a Saturday. Gimme a break.”

       Karkat sighed and leaned over me, plucking our shades off of the nightstand. The shades weren’t a product of light sensitivity, this new planet’s sun wasn’t as bright as Alternia’s, but of his long-standing fear of being persecuted for his blood color. When we were younger, he’d hid it by avoiding injury and wearing gray make-up to hide a mutant red blush, but his eye color had come in with his adult molt two years ago, and though they were a few shades darker than his blood he was self-conscious about it.

          “Fifty-seven hours is like two days, right?” He plowed on before waiting for an answer. “You’ll have plenty of time to be smothered in dog kisses and update your comic or whatever else weird, pale, immortal Time gods need to unwind. I want bacon right now. And you to accompany me.” He tugged his arm out of my grasp and rolled off Jade’s side of the bed, padding over to the pile of clean clothes we hadn’t gotten to putting away yet.

       I whined into the blankets. “Totally cool, ironic, immortal Time gods snuggle their boyfriends until at least eleven in the morning.”

          “We can do that tomorrow, since then it’s your turn to cook.” He decided, and then there’s the soft plop of clothes hitting the hamper or somewhere nearby.

          “I will hold you to that. And Jade. Even though she hasn’t agreed yet.” I said as I pulled the covers more comfortably up to my chin, turning my face into the pillow. Karkat’s footsteps retreat in the direction of the bathroom, and I almost successfully drift off again before he comes back out.

          “Dave. Get up.” He huffed, pushing my shoulder.

       I hummed softly and squirmed away from his insistent hands.

          “Dave.” He repeated, poking the back of my neck. This time, I tried not to react, to pretend I had fallen back asleep, but I must’ve failed because he sighs.

       Then his arm is under my back, scooping me up, and the other comes up to more securely cradle me to his chest.

       I yelped in surprise and clung to his shirt, blinking back into awareness to glare at him properly.

       He didn’t notice, and instead began carrying me out to the kitchen, where, okay, yeah, the bacon smelled heavenly.

       We weren’t the only ones waiting on food, though; Jade’s foster dogs waited somewhat patiently for their share from the open doors to the back deck, trying very hard to look pitiful.

       Karkat plopped me down in a chair and fished my shades out of his pocket, placing them in front of me. I dropped my head into my arms and huffed as he patted my head. He looped around the table, and Jade squeaked as he pressed kisses into her fluffy dog ears.

          “Here, Karkat. Coffee’s ready.” She smiled as she plucked two mugs from the rack beside the sink. I lifted my head slightly, enough to watch Karkat pour out coffee for both of us.

       Jade already had a cup to the right of the stovetop, probably pumpkin spice flavored, so he only fiddled with one. He liked trying out all the different combinations of sugar and flavoring, but I liked mine black. He’d asked me once why I preferred the bitter taste, and before my sister Rose, who we’d gone out for coffee with, could open her mouth to give a psychological reason behind it I’d said, ‘It’s sharp like you are and dark like Jade, it’s both my dates in one.” He’d ducked his head shyly and Jade beamed, “Dave! You adorable sap!”, while Rose watched with her ‘I see your soul’ smile.

       He sat down next to me and pushed the mug at my elbow. I sat up straighter and took a sip, offering him a small but grateful smile. I still hadn’t quite gotten the hang of expressions, but we’d all been friends and then partners long enough that they could read me pretty easily when I wanted, even if I was wearing my shades.

       Jade clicked a few buttons on the stove and then began layering bacon onto the cream cheese slathered bagels set out to her left. The first time she’d made these we’d looked at her like she was crazy, but she’d convinced us to try some and now she made them whenever something big happened, like the day after I finished a movie.

       The dogs watched intently, as they would get the extra bacon with their kibble. She flipped the top halves over to complete the sandwiches, then swirled around to set the plate on the table before bringing the frying pan with the spare bacon over to the dogs.

          “Oh, look at such good boys and girls!” She cooed, scooping kibble into the dishes. “I think you deserve a treat, yes you do.” She placed a strip of bacon in each dish, then stepped back as the dogs jumped forward hungrily. She turned to smile at us, each holding a bacon-bagel, and then swept over to the sink to drop off the pan and pick up her coffee. She sat across from us and picked up a bagel of her own.

       For three minutes and four seconds there was relative silence as we ate, aside from the chewing and the grumbling of Pringle the pug, Jade’s tail could be heard fwapping against her chair as it wagged.

       Then Karkat spoke up. “I promised Dave we’d sleep in tomorrow.”

       Jade tipped her head to the side. “Was that how you got him out of bed?”

          “No.” I answered before him. “He just carried me. Without my permission.”

          “Did you want to miss baconagels or what?” Karkat huffed. Jade smiled at the portmanteau, and I made my lip twitch.

          “Well… No… But I did want to sleep. Rose has a book signing at three forty-five and I should be a supportive big brother and go, but people suck.”

       They nodded in agreement, and Karkat wrinkled his nose at his coffee.

          “Weird combination? What’d you try?” Jade leaned forward excitedly as she talked, sniffing at the air with her sensitive nose.

          “No, it’s fine, just, I didn’t mix the cinnamon in well enough. There’s clumps.”

       Jade nodded again. “Ah. Pity.” Then she switched her attention back to me. “Do you really think you’re the elder brother? I thought we were all born or hatched or whatever one uses for clones at the same time.”

          “I think we were, yeah, but all my timeloops mean I’m nearly a year older than all of you.” I responded, possibly a little smugly. Jade stuck her tongue out at me and Karkat made a flapping motion with his hand, the other diving into his pocket.

       He pulled out his phone and frowned down at the screen, mouthing the English words. Though he was verbally fluent, he hadn’t started learning written English until we’d shown up on the new planet. All the rules and their exceptions irritated him to no end, but he had set up an English-Alternian blog to help him get used to it.

       Eventually, he held the phone out towards Jade. “You sister-parent-clone says her girlfriend’s cats are loose.”

       Jade leaned forward again to squint at the screen through her glasses. “Oh my god! We should go help! The poor kitties!” She jumped up from the table, literally wolfing down her bagel, and rushed down the hall looking for shoes.

          “You just want a chance to chase cats!” I call after her, draining my coffee and standing up. “There goes our morning, anyway…” I tell the kitchen, and Karkat sighs in agreement.

[ask-poorly-drawn-sollux]

}!{ Karkat?

               Karkat’sface was tucked partially down into the neck of his sweater, eyes trained onthe pages of the book he held. As usual, his expression was intense, though ahint of hesitance showed in his eyes as he turned to page 78 of Fifty Shades of Grey, slowly scanningthe human words on the page. He choked as he hit midway down the page, a redblush slowly spreading across his face, though as he continued he promptlybegan to pale before slamming the book shut.

               A snarlwas already building up in his throat as he stared at the cover of the book,throwing it aside as he stood, brushing off the seat of his pants as he stalkedoff to find the person who had recommended this book to him in the first place.

               “STRIDER.”He seethed, throwing open the door, practically steaming at the ears. At thesound of Karkat’s loud voice, the straight-faced as ever human looked up,putting up his hands up in a mockingly defensive manner.

               “Ifthis is about the Kool-Aid in the back of the toilet or whatever-the-fuck youweird ass aliens call it, I’m just gonna tell you now that it wasn’t me. I’minnocent.”

               “THISISNT ABOUT THE FUCKING KOOL-AID IN THE LOAD-GAPER, THIS IS ABOUT THE STUPIDBOOK YOU GAVE ME.”

               “Yeah,are you coming to thank me for that because I honestly can’t really tell if you’reactually angry right now or just yelling and look angry.”

               “IMFUCKING PISSED, YOU USED SACK OF WIGGLER ASS WIPES. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF AROMANCE WAS THAT. THEY WERE DOING UNSPEAKABLE THINGS IN A FUCKING ELEVATOR.”

               “That’sjust how humans do it, man.”

               “BULLSHIT.”

               “WouldI ever lie to you, Vantas? No, the answer is no, I would never lie to you. Ipromise you, us humans do the fuck 24/7, 7 days a goddamn week in any elevatorwe can get our grubby little fingers on.”

               Karkatglared at him, crossing his arms and tapping his foot, before tilting his head,“SORRY, DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? I COULDNT CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOU WERE SAYINGOVER THE OVERWHELMING SCENT OF THE SHIT THAT IS COMING OUT OF YOUR ASS THAT WASMISINFORMED ON WHERE TO BE PLACED ON YOUR HORRIBLE BODY AND WAS PLACED WHEREYOUR MOUTH SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON YOUR UNHOLY FACE.”

[ao3feed-gamtav]

Fifty Shades

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2sObGJA

by Princegingerlink

High school is the place where impressing your parents, getting good grades, and not fucking up is important. It's not a time where love can be involved, because again, you need to pass high school to get anywheres in life. At least, thats what Kankri thinks.

Words: 437, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Homestuck

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Multi

Characters: Kankri Vantas, Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde, Cronus Ampora, Dirk Strider, Dave Strider, Eridan Ampora, Jake English, Vriska Serket, John Egbert, Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor, Gamzee Makara, Tavros Nitram

Relationships: Cronus Ampora/Kankri Vantas, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Vriska Serket, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram

Additional Tags: Fluff and Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Karkat Hates Himself, Kankri Vantas & Karkat Vantas Are Brothers, Asshole Kankri, Karkat Swearing, Karkat Needs a Hug, Humanstuck

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2sObGJA

[ao3feed-rosekan]

Fifty Shades

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2sObGJA

by Princegingerlink

High school is the place where impressing your parents, getting good grades, and not fucking up is important. It's not a time where love can be involved, because again, you need to pass high school to get anywheres in life. At least, thats what Kankri thinks.

Words: 437, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Homestuck

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Multi

Characters: Kankri Vantas, Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde, Cronus Ampora, Dirk Strider, Dave Strider, Eridan Ampora, Jake English, Vriska Serket, John Egbert, Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor, Gamzee Makara, Tavros Nitram

Relationships: Cronus Ampora/Kankri Vantas, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Vriska Serket, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram

Additional Tags: Fluff and Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Karkat Hates Himself, Kankri Vantas & Karkat Vantas Are Brothers, Asshole Kankri, Karkat Swearing, Karkat Needs a Hug, Humanstuck

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2sObGJA

[metalbendertoph]

fifty-shades-of-karkat replied to your post: also, i just finished season 1 of once upon a time

how about that rumplestitskin

i love him, but his teeth are really gross. i just have a weird thing about teeth, though, so

[missfinefeather]

AlphaCrimson

Oooh, I think it's time for more crackship names!

Let's see....

Already told her about JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST.

So, what's next?...

CamTheWizard

The one I remember was hammertime but I'm sure y'all have covered that

AlphaCrimson

Everyone knows hammertime

seer

Davekat has a lot of alternate ship names: Knights in Red, About Bloody Time...

AlphaCrimson

Let's see, we have John/Rose as Grimdorks

There's the countless laughs we have at people who ship Knightlight until they learn the Strilondes are a family(edited)

seer

Was it Roxy/Condesce or Jane/Condesce called Cotton Condy?

AlphaCrimson

@MissFinefeather John/Vriska is known as either Con Heir or Spider8reathPeople tend to call John/Roxy either Roxygen or Breathalyzer, but I prefer Getting Hammered

seer

And not Do The Whisky Thing?

AlphaCrimson

@MissFinefeather Also, John/Karkat's ship is called Communism/Hammer and Sickle

seer

Dave/Jade is Harley DavidsonDave/Terezi: Cherry Glare, Just in Time, Socially Unacceptable Art,  coolk1ds

AlphaCrimson

Jade and Rose is Guns n' Roses

seer

Dave/Equius is Knightmare

Jade/Tavros is apparently Fairy God Ship

AlphaCrimson

And the incest crackshippers named Dave/Roxy after another SBaHJ quote. "AND NOW YOU ARE BANGING HER."aanyway, bbl, headed to karaoke.

seer

Jane/Feferi is Ship of LifeDave/Dave is TimelordsJake/Roxy is either Double Pistols and a Wonk or ShotgunThe only ones bad enough to deserve being shipped with him are Amporas

Spencer/Punisher

I have a whole guilty pleasure ship involving the Lord of Time and zero Amporas but. Yeah.

seer

Roxy/Eridan are Wwizards!, Shipping is Majyyk, Scarf Shipping, Together Alone

Roxy/AutoResponder is Martini GlassesDirk/John is Prince of Fresh-air

Dirk/Equius: Robot Unicorn, Hoofbeasts, Bronies with Benefits, Robot Unicorn Attack

I'm just copypasting the best ones from some random list, but holy shit some are really wild

Prinxess

Kanaya/Nepeta is Chainpaw

seer

Karkat/Sollux is McDonald's

Prinxess

And I think there was a threesome ship "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe"

galeo

nepeta, jade, kanaya??maybe

Prinxess

Nepeta/Feferi/Kanaya, I think

galeo

oh man

Prinxess

Or Jade

Or muffled sounds of cosplaying Pearl

seer

Jade/Rose/Nepeta was Raining Cats and Dogs

Prinxess

I think it was Fef, since Jade fits as The Wardrobe as well and it def was a threesome ship

seer

Human Eightsome is Alphabeta Soup

galeo

yeah, maybe!

Prinxess

OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S A CRACKSHIP IF I'VE SEEN ONE

Also, has anyone mentioned Pepsicola?

seer

Under Hammertime

Prinxess

Oh, there's also 81008100ds (Equius/Vriska)

NepRezi is Scratch and Sniff

(Sorry I just know more about trolls than the alphas)

seer

(all shipnames are welcome, the worse the better)

Prinxess

Ok

What else I remember

seerToday

('night people)

Prinxess

Oh, I really like calling Sollux/Aradia The Second

Ohhh also I'm not sure if that's fandom name but Fifty Shades Of Gray (uu, UU and Karkat)

MissFinefeather

My god 0.0

[brokenstrawberry]

Tumblr Crushes:

cas-has-the-phone-box

fifty-shades-of-karkat

suspect-xmas

starkinglys

missmccookies

ironic-hero

notwherebutwhen

a-gallifreyan-christmas-tree

byakuransan

you guuuyyys

you guyys are aawwwesome

but if you're not on this list don't worry i still love you all

<3

[punkrockinchairs]

i've not done this before but in the spirit of the season merry christmas!!

fifty-shades-of-karkat

luxio

giraffe-b0ner

thejohnlockfeels

nogburger

u-ok

i-give-good-stevejobs

theyellowbrickroad

withquestionablewit

[almostadorablemonstrosity]

Tumblr Crushes:

marceline-your-vampire-queen

yuren52

pinkydragon

coco-poko

fifty-shades-of-karkat

kiminosobade

reblogallpokemon

longlivethetimelords

luka-sexual

[nitrosparxx]

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