#felt so damn sad/nostalgic listening to all of their songs again

[thats-the-teen-spirit]

My Top 10 Albums of 2024

In this year i'm going to do something new, I'm not gonna rank the albums. This will include honorable mentions and EPs by the end so prepare for a long post

Green Day - Saviors

The year started with one of my favorite punk rock bands of all time dropping an album that I already consider a classic. It seems like every time the American political landscape is looking grim, Bille Joe, Mike and Tré release something cool to make our life a little bit more bearable. This album however is not perfect, there are some hits and misses here and there but nevertheless it's a really solid Green Day record.

Favorites: The American Dream is Killing Me, Dilemma, Suzie Chapstick, Strange Days are Here to Stay

Twenty One Pilots - Clancy

As someone who completely missed the SAI era of Twenty One Pilots, I was very pleasantly surprised when I listened to the singles for the first time. I mentally checked out from them after COVID happened but when Overcompensate dropped I felt like I need to check out the rest, and damn right I did. This record is more or less an homage to Trench, their most well-loved album by far. Many lovable singles and non-singles from two lovable dudes.

Favorites: Overcompensate, Next Semester, Routines in the Night, The Craving

Knocked Loose - You Won't Go Before You're Supposed To

Yeah I know, I used to hate on this band. Or I mean, hate is not the best word, more like I was indifferent when it comes to their music. But this year undoubtedly was one of their best and most successful one. This record is the definition of being pissed off. It's angry, pissed off at society, people, own thoughts, everything. The eery clean guitars, the hardcore breakdowns and the most pissed vocals ever recorded by man are all the reasons why this band is an acquired taste, but I finally found them like I would've found a religion.

Favorites: Don't Reach For Me, Suffocate, Slaughterhouse pt2, Blinding Faith

Imminence - The Black

The best metalcore record of the year, straight up. It's pissed but it's very artistic and mellow at the same time making this whole album sound like a mix between European death metal and symphonic metal at times and American modern metalcore. The Black is amazing, I can only talk about it in superlatives, it's so good. The range from the sad and melancholic songs to the most heavy blast beats is insane and once again the swedish boys (especially Eddie) proved to be one of the most innovative bands of the scene right now.

Favorites: Come Hell or High Water, Heaven Shall Burn, Desolation, Death by A Thousand Cuts

Sum 41 - Heaven :x: Hell

This is gonna be probably the most unpopular opinion on this list but I love this record. I love both the Heaven and the Hell side equally, they both sound nostalgic but not too obviously ripping off old songs, Deryck still got it when it comes to the vocal performances, in some songs he still sounds like he did when they recorded All Killer, No Filler. I'm glad they are able to go out on their own terms, without backstabbing and cancellations, after almost 30 years of putting out bangers, they absolutely deserve the retirement.

Favorites: Waiting On A Twist Of Faith, Landmines, Dopamine, How the End Begins

Bring Me The Horizon: POST HUMAN - NeX GEn

Well, at the start of the year I didn't expect to have it but in May after a surprise drop, we got one of the most anticipated records of the past few years. After the end of the last year when the band announced Jordan's departure I was really bummed out and thought the album will never be ready. Multiple delays, preorder cancellations, and a fuckton of singles later, it was here. Oli clearly had a vision by involving all of the band again just like in the old days and the result was this j-metal inspired concoction that uncovers mental health issues unapologetically uncensored. Probably my favorite record of the year.

Favorites: Top 10 Statues That Cried Blood, n/A, LosT, Dig It

Billie Eilish - HIT ME HARD AND SOFT

My go-to chill record of the year. It has immaculate vibes, chill production and the usual soft vocals by Billie. She (and her brother, Finneas) brought the chillest pop album of this year for me. I caught myself turning it up during home office and getting Birds Of A Feather stuck in my head for days. Especially the theremin part at the end that sounds like MGMT's Time To Pretend.

Favorites: Lunch, L'amour de ma vie, Birds Of A Feather, Chihiro

Bilmuri - American Motor Sports (420CC Edition)

Time to go crank the hog. Bilmuri (Johnny Frank's post-Attack Attack solo band) has put themselves out by mixing metalcore and country the most random yet still fitting ways, It's the catchiest and most fun record I've heard this year and honestly I cannot even bring up any band that do it the same way as Johnny and the boys do (maybe with the exception of Electric Callboy).

Favorites: The End, Better Hell (Thicc Boi), Boutta Cachew, Blindsided

Poppy - Negative Spaces

I've been loosely following Poppy since her unhinged youtube video days when I thought, maybe she was gonna end up being a basic e-girl and give up this super uncomfortable persona. Well, years later I got what was completely unexpected back then: an album that is completely herself, no persona, no hiding just her and her band making music she likes. Poppy is one of those artists that can do anything from bubblegum girlie pop (crystallized), to borderline black metal blastbeats (they're all around us) and Knocked Loose-like beatdown hardcore (the center's falling out). Amazingly creative work produced by the one and only Jordan Fish, whose work is obvious on the record.

Favorites: they're all around us, the cost of giving up, vital, push go

Linkin Park - From Zero

If you want a longer review of this record, check it out from one of my latest posts. To make it short: LINKIN PARK ARE BACK. Emily, the new singer is a really talented vocalist who gave new life to the band. The band made conscious decisions to feel like it's still Linkin Park we're talking about and not some Dead Sara-copy. Mike's production on the whole album screams older eras of LP, and proves that you can come back From Zero even after decades of carrier and following a tragedy.

Favorites: Two Faced, Heavy Is The Crown, Good Things Go, Over Each Other

Honorable mentions:

Ankor - Shoganai

Nightwish - Yesterwynde

AWS - Innen Szép Nyerni

Boundaries - Death is A Little More

Darko US- Starfire

thrown - EXCESSIVE GUILT

Kublai Khan - Exhibition of Prowess

Like Moths To Flames - The Cycles of Trying to Cope

Favorite EPs:

Counterparts - Heaven Let Them Die

Bad Omens - CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST] (technically not an EP but still)

The Plot In You - Vol 1. - Vol. 4

Nik Nocturnal - PANIK

[nolita-fairytale]

make my heart surrender | carmy x reader | the playlist

here's a fun little collection of songs that make me think of this story. some of the songs feel like they could function as a soundtrack to the story, and some just make me think of carmy x reader. i created this playlist and listened to it while writing, in the car, doing dishes... seriously, the way this story took over my brain.

make my heart surrender: the playlist

***

sleeping with a friend - neon trees

carmy & reader's relationship in new york city -- while the title feels self-explanatory, this song has all the sexual tension of wondering our favorite kitchen lovebirds' will they won't they relationship. do we need a oneshot of the before times? maybe...

robbers - the 1975

angsty carmy & reader's relationship in nyc. this is also allegedly the prequel to 'about you' so it felt right to include it.

about you - the 1975

where the title of this fic comes from: 'now there's something about you that i can't remember / it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender / and i miss you on the train, i miss you in the morning / i never what to think about / i think about you

it's the pining for me

chicago - sufjan stevens

the iconic song used in the show. i could see this song playing on reader's first day at the bear, or underscoring reader's travels to chicago

sleep tight - holly humberstone

oof, this song kills me. i'll add notable lyrics that make me think of carmy x reader, but it would be a beautiful underscore for their moment at the end of chapter two, when they say goodnight to each other.

"sleep tight i'm on my way back and feeling kind of sad because you were the best thing i never knew i had"

"you were the best thing i never knew was mine"

"god knows i've missed this feeling" makes me ache in the best ways why do we love being sad sm?!

closer - tegan and sara

i could see this song underscoring some of the kitchen flows when carmy & reader have smoothed things over around chapter three. i can just see reader working the garnish station and falling in love with carmy all over again as she watches him expedite.

can we also just talk about how this is a peak in the flow of the playlist? like they've finally smoothed things over and it's been nostalgic/acoustic/angsty and then this song happens and it's like an explosion of energy?? we're finally going to get some connection between these two

only human - the code, william singe

if this were a movie/tv show, i'd have this song play in the background of their conversation (date) at the aviary in chapter three.

untouched hearts - acoustic - the hunna

the lines "i know it's been hard but now it's time for you to get what you want, to know you're enough" feel like a fucking love letter from mikey to carmy. #LetItRip

it also feels like a feeling reader and carmy would share between the two of them about each other.

la vie en rose - emily watts

the song that plays at carmy's apartment after putting her dinner party playlist on shuffle. reader is flipping through the cookbook while he finishes the carbonara to the sweet sounds of this song. and they're making eyes at each other, and stealing glances when they think the other isn't looking GOODBYE

the girl - city & colour

this song is giving major waking-up-together-morning-after vibes. i mostly saw this song for the second to last chapter for the cute tattoo scene, but it could also be great for their first morning after season in chapter five.

flashed junk mind (acoustic version) - milky chance

just picture carmy & reader traipsing through chi-town's chinatown, arguing over who's gonna pay (because they both think it should be themselves), being cute, and fighting over carmy's cigarette during their walking dumpling date.

strawberries & cigarettes - troye sivan

this song accompanies their sweet goodbye at the start of chapter 7 and i'm quite convinced that troye sivan wrote it about carmen berzatto and you can't change my mind lol.

for the lines: "blue eyes, black jeans, lighters and candy, i've been a fool / strawberries & cigarettes always taste like you" and "remember when you taught me fate / said it'd all be worth the wait."

somebody - dagny

less on brand for the show, but the lyrics make me think so much about these two. it's giving: plot twist this is now a freeform show, i know. however, i envisioned this song being a part of reader packing up her things and catching up w friends back in ny. maaaaybe even as she's getting in her u-haul to drive to chicago.

solsbury hill - peter gabriel

peter gabriel said that this song was about losing something so that you can gain something else and i'm just not okay. this is the song that underscores the final scene in our lovely little epilogue, when reader surprises carmy at the bear ready to tell him that she's finally all in.

[hunniegifs-blog]

˗ˏˋ verse & otp tags: 5sos edition ˎˊ˗

hello honey! in celebration that the 5sos boys ( my babies!! ) are finally back in the game and have released their new single ‘Want You Back’, i thought it would be a good idea to create a giant list of lyrics that you can use as verse, otp and/or other pairing tags. 

the lyrics range from their debut EP ‘Somewhere New’ to their sophomore album ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’. all of it is organised into categories but you don’t have to stick to what i categorised the lyrics as. feel free to change it up if you wish. please like/reblog if this helped you in any way!

otp (24):

we’re taking on the world

let’s do something new and unpredictable

to the beat of our hearts at the same time

that’s what love is all about

so wrapped around your fucken finger

she/he gives me a feeling that i can’t fight

she/he looks so perfect standing there

your lipstick stain is a work of art

you’re the reason; the only reason

found my sweet escape when i’m alone with you

you’re like perfection; some kind of holiday

i’m loving what you got

you got me tongue tied; i can’t escape it

my strung out heart needs your angel eyes

i’m lost in reality with you

falling and falling until i fell for you

can’t face the fact that nothing is better than you

without you i’m a lost boy/girl

when the lights go out she/he is all i ever think about

i need your love to guide me back home

tell me what else can i do; i bought my fake ID for you

this is our reality; crazy stupid you and me

just a sucker for anything that you do

the darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side

toxic relationship (18):

we can make it out alive i swear

i really like the games you play

when we try to say goodbye; you can cut the tension with a knife

time stops; i wish i could rewind

jealousy keeps containing me

if you don’t know then just let me go

go ahead rip my heart out

i need you to need me to stay

so wrapped around your fucken finger

a road that leads to nowhere but i want to go there

not ready to start again; not willing to make amends

a tragic story starring you and me

everyday it’s the same love and games that you play

i’m addicted to your fix

always running back to me to call it quits again

we’re as close as strangers

this is broken love in the first degree

you sound so sweet when you lie to me

exes (21):

i’m always gonna want you back

i wish i was beside you

time stops; i wish i could rewind

my heart wants to come home

you can talk at me but i’m not listening

i don’t know how to say good bye

the daylight is dangerous and it’s much too late for us

it just ended in a bad dream

how we gonna undo all the pain

is it too late to bring us back to life

tell me this is just a dream cause i’m not fine at all

holding onto the things that we can’t replace

trying to find a way back to yesterday

because of you i’m gone for good

we’ll safety pin the pieces of our broken hearts together

this is the story of another us

nothing last forever; nothing stays the same

we’re as close as strangers

here is everything i didn’t say

holding onto a broken and empty heart

just me and your shadow and all of my regrets

one sided (14):

you’re just a little bit out of my limit

never want to be that guy/girl that doesn’t even get a taste

i got this friend who is crazy about you and it’s me

i’m always too late

just saying you don’t need him/her

i’m trying too hard again

seen my face around but doesn't even know my name

this is heartache on the big screen

she/he won’t get out of my head; she’s/he’s kinda hot though

every night i almost call you just to say it always will be you

are we wasting time talking on a broken line

i dedicate this song to you heartbreak girl/boy

stuck in the friend zone again and again

i will wait for you to love me again

slow burn/friends to lovers (16):

never want to be that guy/girl that doesn’t even get a taste

let me be the one to save you

let’s do something new and unpredictable

in time you will see just what we could be

when you change your mind i’ll be waiting

don’t stop cause you know that i like it

my strung out heart needs your angel eyes

hey hey baby; won’t you save me?

let’s forget who we are and dive into the dark

falling and falling until i fell for you

no more waiting; we can save ourselves from falling

this is the story of another us

an epilogue before we’re done; a sequel to what we’ve begun

can’t face the fact that nothing is better than you

i can’t change the world but maybe i’ll change your mind

a love lost and buried here comes to life

brotp (6):

you have never lead me wrong

they say we’re losers and we’re alright with that

we are the leaders of the not coming back’s

two wrongs make a right

the darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side

carry on and let the good times roll

muse/others (17):

haven’t even seen the best of me yet

it’s not a secret that i’m just a reject

looking like an angel dressed in disguise

good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught

king/queen of the new broken scene

that’s me over and out

i got a jet black heart and there’s a hurricane underneath it

all the way to the back row killing the game

princess/princes getting naked and falling on their faces

don’t let the colours fade to grey

catching fire like kerosene

don’t wanna be just another social casualty

the voice of the new generation

setting off like fire in the wind

who am i when i don’t even know myself

i won’t fade into darkness

one foot in the golden life and the other in the gutter

[rei-the-head-shaker]

ESC 2022 - 1st Impressions (PT. 1)

Since ESC will start today, I decided to do a first round of listening, to get in the vibe and have a better grasp on what the songs are about and who are the artists singing them, since last year I struggled a bit!

Alright let's go! 🎉

Albania: Ronela Hajati – Sekret

I really enjoy the sound and the vibes of this song! I also liked the mix of english and Albanian language. It made me feel like I at least understood the song a bit even though I didn't have the translation of the entire song. I appreciated that!

Latvia: Citi Zēni – Eat your salad

I'm so mad at ESC for having to censor songs! Even though they are going to censor it, this song will never loose its power. It is iconic from start to end! It convey a message in such a memeable way! I think I'm in love... 😍 This song is going to make history!

Lithuania: Monika Liu – Sentimentai

In my life I unfortunately never had many occasion to hear people speak Lithuanian and listen to this song made me feel sad about it because it really sounds good! And I also fell ib love with Monika Liu's voice! I really liked the song too! Basically take sadness ans make it sensual. It made me want to cry while dancing in someone's arms! Hope to find it in a few playlist about characters I like!

Switzerland: Marius Baer – Boys do cry

I love this song with all my heart! I cried while listening to it, and I think I'm going to do it again and again every time I will listen to it! Marius Baer's voice is amazing and I think it is part of why the song is so emotional! I love the meaning and the message it delivers! I'm still crying!

Slovenia: LPS – Disko

EXCUSE ME?! HOW OLD ARE THEY?!Love them! They made me want to dance, that's a really good sign! Haven't had the chance to read the translation of the lyrics though... Hope the lyrics are as good as the vibes they have!

Ukraine: Kalush Orchestra – Stefania

I love this song so much! The kind of song Ukraine brought to Eurovision in the past two years (I've started following eurovision in 2021, so I have no idea what happened before) truly fascinates me! The meaning it conveys, the importance it has!

Bulgaria: Intelligent Music Project – Intention

This sounds a bit nostalgic (?!) I don't know how to properly explain it... But it feels like those kind of music you would hear in "old" teen movies! If you miss them, then that's the song you'll need!

Netherlands: S10 – De diepte

Oh... I'm sad now... NOICE! 🙃 The heartbreak I'm feeling in this moment is powerful! I just remembered my Ex... I'm not ok... 💔🙃

Moldova: Zdob şi Zdub & Frații Advahov – Trentuțul

This gave me such a Summer Festival vibes! I want people to dance to this song when summer festival will come back!

Portugal: Maro – Saudade, saudade

Damn! The sound and the harmonies of this song are amazing, it really lulls you to sleep while crying! That's the type of vibe I got! Also loved English and Portuguese alternating each other! Loved it!

Croatia: Mia Dimšić – Guilty pleasure

Oooh~ I like this! It sounds so good! I can see it being used for a few edits and playlists! 👀

Denmark: Reddi – The show

YES! YES! YES! This is me! This is my song! It felt so relatable in an extraordinary energetic way! I fucking want to destroy everything! 🔥🔥🔥

Austria: LUM!X feat. Pia Maria – Halo

Oooh~! I like this too! It gave me similar feelings to Denmark's song! I'm feeling like destroying something! 🔥🔥🔥

Iceland: Systur – Með Hækkandi Sól

This song is something so gentle and soft but also so powerful at the same time! The kind of song that played outside at night would feel like a magical experience. I voyage of its own... Love the vibes!

Greece: Amanda Georgiandi Tenfjord – Die together

Sound (?!) wise it is not the song that struck me the most, but I really enjoyed this one too! I'm waiting for edit with this song too! The lyrics are great!

Norway: Subwoolfer – Give that wolf a banana

Oh my God! They have meme power like Latvia, but of a totally different brand! I'm living for this! THANK YOU!

Armenia: Rosa Linn – Snap

This song is relatable for me! The kind of song I would listen to late at night or during a trip, or maybe both! I could also see that being in a few playlists and some nice and sad edits! Can't wait to see them!

[estellaelysian]

Questions

This is a bit of a rewrite of CH 1, OPH BK 2.

Just felt nostalgic.

(I changed the end a little bit)  You’ll see.

Song to listen to: Touch it - Ariana Grande

**********

Two long months.

Two months, spent without those deep green eyes following him everywhere. Without the soft, sad smile and without the voice he had memorized a million times over.

All that time, spent in aching, hurting, in thinking about unyielding what-ifs, even though he was the one who had pushed her away.

But now, she was here.

He had successfully kept himself away from her for two months, but now what? He didn’t trust himself around her which is why time and again there was only one question hovering in the air around him.

Why do it?

And how? How are you going to keep pushing her away? Keep breaking her heart, over and over again?

No.

He had to.

He couldn’t not do it and then resent himself for ruining her professional development, when he knew what she was capable of doing.

His eyes were drawn, irresistibly, back to where she was sitting, and he felt a horrible disgust build in the pit of his stomach.

Why was he doing this to her and to himself, he didn’t know.

She sat in one of the high bar stools, away from her friends who were in the beer garden. He had seen the look in her eyes when he had entered Donahue’s, bringing together a chill cold blast of air and a no-go zone around him; the look of plain care and concern for him, masked by deep pain, everything hiding behind a smile. He had no idea of the reaction he would get when he made an appearance in front of her, but that look enough had been heart wrenching.

He had expected her to come talk to him then, right then, but instead, she didn’t. She just excused herself from her friends, not meeting his gaze at all after that.

‘Give me a few minutes, guys, I’ll be back.’

Now she sat, sipping a scotch neat, wavy dark hair swept over one shoulder and an iPod clutched in her hands.

That’s when she turned, and met his gaze.

***

His summer blue eyes turned away again, and she found her gaze averted as well, now staring at the amber liquid in her glass as music poured out of the iPod, much like her current situation.

She remembered those two months, no contact no anything, just spent away from each other, and she didn’t even knew why. It was crushing that he hadn’t even deemed it important to tell her once that he would be gone for two months. He just left.

And then there was living without his ever-demanding presence around her, where she just felt odd, empty and heartbroken.

But now what?

He was back now, and she didn’t know what to do.

Just like she didn’t know what to do in those two months he was away.

How do I make the phone ring?

Why do I even care?

How are you all around me,

When you’re not really there?

When you’re not really there?

The song started over again, and she closed her tear filled eyes, losing herself in her surroundings.

How do I feel you want me,

When you’re not on my skin?

Why do you say you want me,

Then tell me I’m not coming in?

Baby just come on in

She startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to find Bryce standing behind her, wearing his megawatt smile. Smiling back, she pulled off the earphones.

‘Lish, are you okay?’

‘Yeah I’m fine,’ she lied. ‘Just needed a minute for myself.’

‘Yeah sure. Do you feel up for a game of darts?’

She turned once, risking a glance in Ethan’s direction, who refused to meet her gaze, and slid off the barstool. ‘Yeah. Let’s go.’

***

Ethan finished his drink in one long gulp and looked away from her disappearing figure before standing up and walking over to the bar. He took a seat in the barstool she had used, bowing his head and cursing himself for the millionth time over. Evidently spending two months apart, putting both of them through all that anguish and hurt had done nothing good for them. He wanted to be with her, he did. But it probably wasn’t in the cards for him.

Not being happy, and not making her happy.

God, he hated himself.

He raised the glass to his lips when he heard the commotion break out in the bar, and turned to the source causing it.

He wouldn’t have intervened, but something about the sight of that fight made him start toward it.

***

It didn’t take much long for the atmosphere to settle down after that. Soon, everyone went back to talking amiably and sipping their drinks, but before long, her friends had plans to continue the night.

She turned to look at him.

Talking to him would be difficult, she knew, and yet, one glance in his direction was enough to crumble all her defenses. She looked between him and her friends, but the words left her mouth even before she knew it.

‘You guys go ahead. I wanna go and check in about tomorrow with Dr. Ramsey.’

‘Don’t stay up too late,’ Sienna said, but at the point, she was barely listening, her senses already tuned to Ethan, even though she would end up being wrong about all she wanted to hear from him.

‘Cause every time I’m with you

I go into a zone

And I remember all the places you wanna go

Take me all the way

Ain’t nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it

Taking a seat in front of him, she put on a small smile as he looked up at her, his blue eyes running over her face, taking her in.

‘Cause every time I’m with you

I don’t wanna behave

I’m tired of being patient

So let’s pick up the pace

Take me all the way

Ain’t nobody gonna touch it, touch it, touch it

‘Rook—er Alishka. Sorry. Force of habit.’

She nodded toward his rugged jacket and spoke through the lump in her throat. ‘We’ve got ourselves a brand new Ethan Ramsey.’

‘The jacket’s been through a lot with me.’

‘It suits you,’ she said in an earnest, smiling a real smile for the first time that night.

‘Duly noted. And the beard?’

He didn’t know what he was doing, but he was way past caring.

‘It looks good on you.’

He scratched at it thoughtfully, wishing they weren’t chest deep in this time with this circumstance that kept them together, and yet pulled them apart. Pushing away the unease to a far corner in his chest, he said, ‘I’ve gotten used to it.’ A beat of silence. ‘Why don’t we move outside? It’ll be winter before we know it. Might as well enjoy the weather while we can. You want something to drink?’

He knew they were skirting the edge of things, but with his emotions in upheaval, it was taking all he had to not reach for her hand or kiss her.

‘Whatever you are having,’ she said quietly.

He reached over the bar and grabbed a half drunk bottle of scotch. ‘Hey Reggie, we are borrowing this.’

Reggie waved him on.

They headed out to the beer garden, which was silent and deserted by patrons, because it was way past the last call.

Ethan took a seat beside a small fire pit, and she scooted in beside him. They talked, but he noticed her hesitation and it broke his heart. He watched her intently as she stared into the fire, the flames casting soft shadows over her face, making her beauty more refined.

‘So this Dr. Throne guy … should I be worried about him?’ she asked.

Ethan’s words didn’t quiet reach her ears, she was far too distracted thinking about the best way to ask him the question she really wanted an answer to.

‘You did the right thing, standing up for that girl.’

‘We both know that’s not true.’

‘You are too young to be a cynic like me.’

‘I’m not being cynical. I just learned my lesson. You saw what happened last year. I almost lost my license for breaking the rules to help Mrs. Martinez.’

‘The lesson there is that you put your patients first, you’ll always be vindicated in the end. That’s the lesson. What you did just now was brave. You’ve always been brave in the face of disaster and death, and ofcourse… but it’s different when you are facing down a superior. To stand up to them for what’s right.’

‘It’s not as brave as venturing into the depths of Amazon to fight a pandemic, that’s for sure …’ she said, not bothering to hide the sarcasm in her tone.

A somber look fell over Ethan’s face. He looked back at his drink, contemplating his response. In that moment, it was as if he was robbed of all words but a few, which would never explain his reasons and how stupid he felt they were.

I am sorry, Alishka. I had to.

‘…That wasn’t bravery.’

The world seemed quite still at that exact moment. Desperate, he thought again about all he wanted to tell her, but before he could speak the words, she raised her gaze to his.

‘Ethan, why didn’t you keep in touch? No word from you at all for two months? After all that happened between us?’

‘Everything that happened between us is exactly the reason I didn’t contact you.  Alishka, if we are going to work together on the diagnostics team, we need a fresh start. Your professional development is too important to jeopardize it with whatever ... whatever it was we had’

Whatever. Whatever it was we had. Had. Past tense.

‘Had?’

‘Yes. And the past is where it has to remain.’

How do you know I’m breathing,

When I’m holding my breath?

His gaze swept over her face, seeing right through her as if she was made of glass. It was the way he always saw her.

Without thinking, she pressed her lips to his.

Why don’t we face the danger

Just for the night and forget?

Baby let’s just forget

He tensed noticeably. His defenses were going up, and it registered as an ache.

When she leaned back, staring into his eyes from just inches away, a storm of desire and pain played out on his face. With that look, she felt everything slipping away.

‘Dammit Alishka.’

‘If you don’t want to kiss me again, then just tell me—’

He fought to keep his voice steady.

‘It has nothing to do with want. I can’t. And if I give a damn about you, I won’t. How am I supposed to push you to be everything you can if I…’

He trailed off, looking away.

‘If you what?’ she prompted gently, not sure if she wanted to know.

He didn’t look at her, and that was it.

‘Okay. I get it,’ she whispered. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Ramsey.’

He flinched at her formality, watching as she rose and turned to leave. Before he could stop himself, he caught her by her wrist, her skin warm on his fingers.

‘Alishka, please,’ he pleaded.

She turned to look at him, her eyes bright with tears.

‘Please what? I am listening to you, aren’t I? Even though you know it’s not easy. All I could think of the last two months was you and how much you meant to me. Even now, when I’m here with you, all I can think of is how right this feels. And I don’t want to leave you, but I am, because that’s what you asked me to do. What else do you expect from me?’

At her words, he felt as if he was slapped. In her face, the silent resignation was as pronounced as her pain. He drew her into his arms, pulling her close. She shook her head, trying and failing to keep the tears from falling. ‘Does this make you happy, doing all this?’ she asked, her voice thick as she began to cry.

‘It doesn’t, Alishka, and I despise myself for it,’ he said. ‘But what choice do I have?’

He held her as she spoke through her ragged sobs. ‘This isn’t fair…’

‘I know. And I am sorry, I am really sorry.’

For a long time, neither of them spoke, but then, she pulled away, her eyes rimmed with red.

‘Goodnight Dr. Ramsey.’

He watched her go, gritting his teeth, willing himself not to follow.

Remind we why we’re taking a break

It’s obviously insane

‘Cause we both know what we want

Then why don’t we fall in love?

‘Goodnight, Dr. Roy,’ he spoke into the silence.

Baby lets fall in love.

**********

@tenaciouslandvoidgiant @choicesaddict5 @schnitzelbutterfingers

[hahahalifelol]

my thoughts about folklore so far <3

i solemnly believe that taylor swifts new album could redefine writing in the music industry. the storylines .. the passion ... the “fictionalised” scenarios that speak with the audience and let them resonate with each song depending on who they are as a person , wether they identify as straight or gay or bisexual. She did not write her 8th album for financial gain or worldwide recognition and although she had sold 1.3 million copies already since the release, it’s clear that it wasn’t about that, and instead to show a true reflection of her soul without the media getting a say before the release , much like Lover, reputation.

it was about finding herself during this period of reflection, being her most genuine and raw self, the explicitly of her lyrics, despite being vague so the audience can see themselves through what she is saying speaks volumes.

along with this, she has proved in this album that she isn’t just some pop writer of heartbreak anthems, she has inner battles, and her songwriting should not be defined by her relationships, past or present.

her album to me personally, speaks about heartbreak, from a young age, along with finding yourself along the way, that all the relationships and scenarios in her life have made her the way she is, that she understands that her heartbreak has created the mindset towards relationships , sexuality etc.

ALSO ITS JUST SO SAD AND NOSTALGIC AND THERES BON IVER AND ITS 2:20 AM AND ITS JUST A LOt SO MOST OF THIS WONT MAKE SENSE

does this album feel like climbing a mountain and seeing the view at the top , and just reflecting on everything that’s happened, the climb and the people who helped you get to the top, wether it was a negative or positive relationship, i genuinely can’t explain the vibe other than damn taylor this seems kinda sapphic, and also WAYYYYY more swearing which i love, taylor swift saying “ mouth fuck you forever” is probably the most satisfying thing ever i don’t know what it is.

alternatively the album could be seen as taylor looking back at her experiences as a younger woman , when she was 17/18 and the things she experienced which helped her get to this point , wether that was discovering parts of herself, which is again exploring now in solitude as shes had lots of time for reflection and self growth.

The woods in her album promotional shots, and the white cardigan, dress and rawer photography style, specifically the vintage black and white film look could also explain the nostalgia she feels now shes had time to look back, and as a 17 year old girl myself , her lyrics speak to me in a way in which her other album have never done before , the uncertainty and certainty of what she wants and what she doesn’t want, the desire to be with someone ( listen to cardigan, illicit affairs, betty august, seven) regardless of what others think about them.

whilst it’s important to notice the queer undertones of her entire album, we cannot forget that the albums nostalgia and sad tone creates the themes of heartbreak, and perhaps looking back at mistakes made.

lyrics that speak to me:

“ i think i’ve seen this film before, and i didn’t like the ending” - talking about her failed relationships / and or , the relationships which she felt she could’ve done better in, and looking back onto them, showing she disliked the way which she/ or the person acted to make the “film” end and for her to snap back into reality, out of the safe bubble which was the relationship.

“wishing i could write my name on it”

“ i had the shiniest wheels, now their rusting”

“ i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”

“ and we can be pirates, then you won’t have to cry”

“ now i breathe flames each time i talk// and women like hunting witches too”

“ all these people think loves for show but i would die for you in secret” - this lyric simply states taylor’s love and adoration for the person, whilst she might want to be loud and pubic, she is willing to “die” for the person in secret, meaning she’s happy just to be with that person, in love and happy just to show it to that person, and not having to be forced to do or say anything for the media’s consumption.

ialso think everyone should stop placing labels onto her , yes i’d absolutely love it if she was bisexual/ into women and that kaylor had been real, and that all the men she had been with she was just bearding for, however we need to keep respectful as it’s not fair to insinuate anything about a women that we only know through her songs and some fan interactions with her. whilst betty, august, illicit affairs etc seem to be sapphic ( HELL YEAH, Go taylor) we need to remind ourselves as fans it’s not our place to say that a certain song means something, especially what it means to the artist, we will never know the true meanings behind many of her songs, so let’s keep the vibes positive and not place labels onto people who obviously support the LGBTQ+ community regardless of how they feel about the same sex

thankyou for coming to my ted talk and stream Folklore !!!

[moonbeamsung]

under the cut you will find my comprehensive brain dump about hot sauce <3

okay in addition to all the shitposts i made about the album as i listened for the first time, i have so much i wanna say about each track so here we go, even if no one reads this i don’t mind because i’m just posting it for myself! this is 15% semi-professional-sounding album review talk and the other 85% is me freaking out lol

hot sauce: someone said this is zimzalabim’s brother and i can’t stop thinking about it, but unlike that song it honestly didn’t take multiple listens for me to like the song itself. the only thing that was the slightest bit off-putting about it was the higher pitch of the chanting (which i still don’t know if i’m imagining or not) but i don’t mind it as much as i used to. the beat is so interesting and funky and the latin-ish(?) sound of some parts suits them unexpectedly well :,) all the members’ voices are so distinct and i think they all got a chance to shine, like even without looking at the line distribution it just seems pretty even to me when i listen. okay now onto the mv i think it’s super cool and when i saw it for the first time it felt like there was a lot going on and it was a little overwhelming but i think that’s just because it was 5 in the morning and my senses were overwhelmed lol (like the lyrics say o_o (i think??)) also JISUNG’S DANCE BREAK I AM ON THE FLOOR. he sounded so good sjdfbds. renjun’s adlibs (in the final chorus especially) are really something else and his lil duet part with jisung in prechorus 2 is amazing showstopping never been done before etc etc. haechan’s high note and jeno’s and mark’s (side note i can’t believe we really have 7dream again :,)) and jaemin’s raps and chenle’s voice throughout the entire thing are just,,, perfection omg. overall i love this song so much and think it was a great title track for them!!

diggity: IT GOES SO HARD IT’S CRAZY. first of all here are some timestamps that make me lose my mind: 0:30 i swear the adlib sounds like mark but the video shows that it’s renjun and he sounds😳whew. and 2:48.....jisung.........i can’t do this............for maximum pain watch a clip of him talking from 2016/2017 and then listen to this part but warning you may cry. HE SOUNDS SO SKDFBL WHEN DID HIS VOICE GET SO DEEP🥲like i knew it was but this is just. another level lmao but anyways, the bridge in this song as a whole sounds amazing!!! i’m very much in love with really small moments like the little “na na na”s in mark’s rap and the way they sound, sorta minor in tone. also love how the beats build up to the chorus each time and i just wanna bop my head to it! it seems like i hear new little harmonies and adlibs every time i listen and it’s such a nice mix of vocals and strong raps :)

dive into you: the VIBES of this song??? i liked it from the teaser but as i listen more and more it gets even better it seems. like imagine a summer roadtrip to the coast because that’s what this sounds like.  mark and jisung really started things off with one of the catchiest raps i’ve ever heard and everything about it is so perfect😩jaemin and jeno singing >>>> and chenle chose violence with his high note and hearing all the harmonies from every single one of them makes me so happy :> they’re so beautiful like aaaaa. also i just love the minor-sounding notes (that’s a favorite thing of mine can you tell) in the chorus with the “you-ooh” parts. VOCALIST JENO AT 2:36 IS THE PRETTIEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD DO YOU HEAR HIS HARMONY. can’t forget vocalist jisung either, any time he sings i’m just🥰which has happened a lot this cb which is GREAT :DD and then on top of all that, the track video is adorable and they look so happy!! driver haechan doesn’t hurt either lmao AND THE PERFORMANCES OF IT ARE SO CUTE TOO LIKE HHHH

my youth: something about this song sounds so nostalgic and it’s going on my driving playlist because it just gives me such a carefree feeling, like being on the highway or driving through a city at sunset. it’s really chill and it’s one of the softer songs on this album so it balances out the harder-hitting tracks :) jaemin’s rap is so nice, reminds me of how much i love his voice :( i heard a clip of them singing this song live and it doesn’t sound the slightest bit different, it really shows all their singing talents🥺

rocket: omg definitely another favorite of mine on the album, it’s so upbeat and reminds me of dream run!!! also it’s moonshine produced so you know it’s going to be a total bop. for some reason it feels like something that would play on a rollercoaster if they had music, the scales and the synth make it sound really fun and it’s extremely enjoyable to listen to, makes me wanna dance around :) jaemin’s rap with the little star wars line is cute hehe. and chenle’s “level up” part, he sounds SO GOOD! from the bridge towards the end, that’s my favorite part, it’s such an energetic beat and, like, bouncy? i guess? that’s not the best word but i really really really love this track☺️☺️☺️

countdown (3,2,1) : besides the fact that mark decided to k word me with that “explOsive” line at the opening i love this one too! it sounds futuristic almost. i never knew how much i needed to hear jisung say “control freak” before this and his singing voice at 1:15 and 3:11 and 3:24 is just wOw—plus his RAP I’M NOT GONNA RECOVER FOR A WHILE😔🤭......also love the transitions from jaemin into mark and then jeno for that part in the bridge and the buildup it has to the final chorus. i think haechan’s and renjun’s voices sound so good on this track like at that softer part? aND HOLY HECK IS HYUCK THE ONE DOING THOSE ADLIBS TOWARDS THE END BECAUSE IF SO DAMN. yes boys you are very dangerous

anl: why couldn’t they have just called it all night long because everyone’s reading it wrong🤠this one is really chill and i think the way it sounds kinda matches the vibe of their boring ver. photos, if that makes sense. it’s also going on my driving playlist!! i don’t know what to call the little twinkling sounds at the start but i love those, and mark’s voice is so soothing in this song🥺something about the way renjun sings “sky high” is gorgeous and jisung’s parts with the harmonies are truly a blessing to the ears :] the chorus sounds so inherently dream and i feel like track itself has something mature about it? (not in that way geez) but like it just shows how far they’ve come music-wise/vocally

irreplaceable: except for mark’s one english line in the bridge (you know the one don’t make me type it) (but it doesn’t make me cringe quite as much anymore) i also adore this song☺️if this track had a video, i’d picture it looking something like the cafe 7dream content. it sounds really acoustic and warm and like they could just be casually singing it together in a cozy cafe or studio! also, i realized that it reminds me of another dream song when i hear it and i figured out that it’s bye my first hehe. HAECHAN’S HIGH NOTE IS WITHOUT A DOUBT THE BEST PART, MARRY ME SIR.

be there for you: literally the renhyuckle ballad we’ve always wanted!!! i don’t even have that much to say because it’s just so beautiful, all three of their voices blend so well together and it’s such a comforting track. nct’s slower and softer songs like this are very distinct and have a gentle kind of power. listening to it feels like a hug and the harmonies and high notes and the extent of their vocal ranges are just so, so amazing.

rainbow: for all the times i’ve cried to it, i still love it :,) those first lyrics from chenle make me want to bawl my eyes out simply because his tone there is so nostalgic and pretty and sad-sounding, and reading the lyrics makes me even more emotional (or maybe i’m just overly sensitive oops). the softer raps and angelic vocals and every little harmony and adlib are EVERYTHING, this is another song that just suits the unit so well. regardless of their positions this track proves that every single member is beyond capable of being a vocalist. i don’t know why it seems like such a sad and nostalgic song to me, but it’s also really hopeful at the same time. it’s like this dreamscape of emotions (no pun intended), and the video is so otherworldly and enchanted it seems almost magical. the colors and the playground set? their expressions and interactions with one another? i swear, their friendship and bond is unlike any i’ve ever seen. this track also makes me think of how proud i am of them, and i wanna give them all the biggest hug in the world🥺

if you decided to read this whole thing i would like to say i’m sorry for the ramble but also thank you for being interested in what i had to say :)

[everlarkficexchange]

lying in the bed we made (if it wasn't us)

Written by: @archersandsunsets

Prompt 26: the night before the Quarter Quell, in the sleepless dark, Katniss and Peeta allow themselves to indulge in the bittersweet dream of a future they’ll never have together (“if it wasn’t us, what would you do?” “I’d want to marry you” “tell me”) [submitted by @rosegardeninwinter]

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Word Count: 2,918

Rated T.

Author’s Note: Dedicated to the lovely Cate, who has become an invaluable friend over the last few weeks. This is for you, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Title from the song, Lying in the Bed We Made by Arrows to Athens. I’d highly recommend listening to it while reading, volume low—it’s very Everlark.

She refused to let go of his hand, insisting he could shower in her room. Convinced that if a door shut between them that night, it would lock and she’d have to spend the night without him.

In return for his obligation, she let him shower first, after he helped her out of her dress. Then, she sat on the bathroom counter in her slip, watching the steam curl towards the ceiling. While Peeta shampooed, they chatted idly about the reactions of the Capitol citizens to the baby bomb like it was a conversation mundanely brought up over breakfast.

“You really think they bought it?” 

“Of course,” Katniss replied, picking at the pins in her hair that were holding her elaborate updo in place, “I’m pretty sure you could convince Effie that a potato sack was fashionable if you really tried.”

Amidst the patter of the water, she heard him snort. “You give me too much credit. Effie would never wear brown, unless maybe it was mahogany.”

A smirk turned her mouth at his joke, and a thought slipped into her mind.

Is this what it would be like, if we got married?

Katniss’s hand stilled on the pin just above her ear she was toying with.

Where had that come from?

Distantly, the water cut off in the shower, but Katniss didn’t look up until she heard the curtain slide back. Peeta had fastened a towel around his waist, and, balancing on one foot, was reaching for his prosthetic. 

“Do you need help?” It felt like a stupid question the moment it left her, but it was either that or stare into space thinking… about her own thoughts. Or, stare at Peeta. None of which were her first choice.

Not that there wasn’t something to stare at regarding Peeta. And if they were actually getting married, she’d have an excuse to.

“Oh, no, I’ve got it.” He smiled sweetly at her, and she watched while he easily attached his prosthetic and stood. All without losing his towel.

She’d asked him countless questions about it before, the nights they’d spent on the train and the mornings after, but Katniss found one she hadn’t asked yet. “Do you miss it?”

His eyebrows crinkled, confused. “What? My leg?”

“Mmhmm.” Katniss’s hand found its way back into her hair. Back into the damned pins. 

“Sometimes.” He shrugged. “After the first Games, I… missed it a lot, I guess, because it hurt a lot. Phantom pain, they called it. Because my body wasn’t adjusted to losing a part of itself. But now… it’s just a leg, really. And losing it kind of saved my life.” He winked at her. “Someone decided they couldn’t live without me, I guess.”

For some odd reason, Katniss laughed at that. “Oh, that’s the reason, huh?” She’d missed this side of him. Even if he was technically making her laugh at his expense. Not that she blamed him for that, given the circumstances.

Peeta stepped over to stand in front of her. “That’s what I’ve been told. By our fans.” He was still joking, still lightening the mood from her dark question. From the darkness of the night ahead.

He adjusted his towel and then took her hand, entwining their fingers. He nodded towards the shower. “Your turn. Do you want me to stay?”

Katniss didn’t think about it. She nodded.

“I just have to get these out,” she complained, using her free hand to pull at one of the pins. “You’re lucky all they have to do to you is put some gel in.” She ruffled his wet hair, which was already beginning to dry in ringlets from the heat in the room.

Peeta chuckled. “Let me.” He reached into her hair, and with one tug a lock of her hair fell from its hold. Then another, and another, until the hairstyle had been reduced to a pile of pins on the counter, and her hair fell in a dark, wavy curtain down her shoulders.

When Katniss looked up, she found the expression on Peeta’s face to be unreadable. This time, he was the one staring, eyes wild in a way that no one had ever looked at her with before. But still, underneath it all, she saw the familiarity of his love for her.

It didn’t make her squirm this time. Instead, it felt right.

“There,” he said, voice low and soft. “Much better.” He allowed himself to twist a piece around his fingers before dropping it. He seemed to come back to himself, because he blinked and straightened. “Um.” He cleared his throat. “Sorry. I’m just going to… get dressed really fast. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay,” Katniss replied.

“Okay,” Peeta echoed, then he disentangled their hands and left the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind him.

In the steam of the moment and the room, Katniss remembered what Haymitch said Peeta had done for her by confessing his love before their first Games. What felt like forever ago now.

“He made you look desirable!”

To the people of the Capitol, of course. But to Peeta…

She already had been.

…

Hands entwined, they laid in the darkness. Silent, in case the other was able to get even a little rest tonight, though that was impossible. 

Tomorrow was the first day of the rest of their lives—and if either of them had their way, it wouldn’t be both of them leaving that arena.

Just one. 

Once again, their greatest ally was also their greatest enemy: each other.

At first they lay on their backs, their hands in the space between, both lost in thought. Then Katniss rolled over to look at him. 

His eyes were closed, but he was clearly awake. The flare of his nostrils on an exhale was proof. Still, Katniss didn’t look away. The moonlight from the open window spilled grey across the room, the sky’s hue casting bluish shadows over everything. Over him, too.

She let her eyes trace the outlines of his face. The slope of his nose and the curve of his lips. His eyelashes. The freckle underneath his eye. The wrinkle in his brow. She knew without asking that he was deep in thought.

A small, nostalgic voice inside her whispered, “I wish we had more time.”

As if on cue, Peeta’s eyes blinked open. Then his attention was on her, and Katniss shifted to accommodate him while he turned onto his side, mirroring her. Without speaking, they switched hands, curling them up between them.

He dipped his head down to brush his nose against her forehead. Then she felt his lips there, and heard his sigh as he settled, eye level with her.

His voice was ragged and sad when he whispered, “I wish we had more time, too.”

Katniss blinked. Had she said that out loud? She must have. Somehow, it wasn’t as embarrassing, here in the dark. Here, so close to him, with no guilt to feel about Gale, no more goodbyes to say.

It was just… true. Because even if her heart wouldn’t allow her to admit it, she loved Peeta Mellark in her own way.  In whatever way she could. She always had. She always would. 

Until her last breath.

Even if the idea itself scared her to her core.

“If it wasn’t us, what would you do?" 

The question spilled out.

There was a beat of heavy silence between them before Peeta spoke.

“I’d want to marry you.”

Somehow, his answer didn’t surprise her. She had known he would have wanted to be with her, that he was someone who still believed in marriage and happily ever after and sunsets and hope. That much was obvious.

It was that fact that kept her sane, now, so close to the end. Something to cling to in her final moments, maybe. The idea that he would live out all of those wonderful things with someone else. With anyone at all. Because he would be alive.

Usually, the idea would bring an unwarranted frisson of sadness over Katniss at the thought of Peeta with another girl. Not for any particular reason than that she would be sad to… miss it. Then, the swift return of duty and obligation would follow, because she owed that to him, owed him a life and so much more, for his loving her and saving her. But not now.

Instead, Katniss felt something else at Peeta’s simple declaration.

Curiosity. For a life she would never get to see, would never admit she wanted to know about except for here in the darkness, lying in Peeta’s arms.

“Tell me.”

His hesitation spoke to his surprise. “Really?” His lips turned up slightly at her soft spoken request, the tone of his voice rising in disbelief. And teasing, she noticed, but regarded with the same familiarity as on the Tour; she was used to it by now. “You want to know a besotted school boy’s fantasies about marrying the love of his life? With you as the bride?”

“Mmhmm.” She nodded. “I do.”

“Wow, you’re serious.” The humor faded from his voice. And, because Peeta could never deny her, even if he didn’t understand her, he said, “Okay.”

Katniss waited for him to begin. Patient, she took her time watching him while he gathered his thoughts. He had the same wrinkle in his forehead as before, but the lines were softer. His ideas, surely were lighter than whatever he had been pondering before the start of their conversation.

“Well, for starters,” Peeta said, “You wouldn’t wear a thirty pound wedding dress made of pearls and feathers that catches on fire when you twirl.”

A laugh made its way out of Katniss’s throat. “How kind of you. What would I wear, then?”

“Anything you want.” A pause. “You’d look beautiful no matter what.”

It was the kind of comment that on any other night would have made her uncomfortable, or wish he’d take it back. Because it wasn’t true, and because by saying it out loud she was hurting him. But tonight, she allowed herself the absence of guilt that would usually accompany her blush.

Tonight, she let him see her in a way she’d never seen herself. Despite the ways she’d wronged him in the past.

Worthy of his love.

“Sorry,” Peeta’s apology brought her back. Probably because she didn’t say anything.

“Don’t apologize,” she told him. “It’s okay.” She squeezed his fingers. “Then what? Go on. Keep talking about our wedding.”

He rubbed his thumb over her hand. “Alright. If you say so.”

“I do.”

The words echoed in her head when she said them, their significance revealing itself. All this talk of weddings… 

I do, I do, I do.

A beat passed between them before Peeta picked up where he left off. “Of course, we’d go to the Justice Building and sign papers. Prim would be there, and your mother. My family… probably wouldn’t attend.” He sighed. “Except maybe Auric.” The middle Mellark brother. “Delly would be there, too.”

“Delly?” Katniss asked.

“Yeah,” Peeta replied, “I’ve known her a long time. We used to play together when we were kids. She used to tell people I was her brother. She’s one of the only close friends I still have.”

One of the only close friends I still have. Katniss thought for a moment about Gale, nostalgic. Wishing they would have been able to maintain what they had. Wishing it wasn’t so complicated. It wasn’t hard to imagine why Peeta would have lost friends. But she didn’t want to think about it. Peeta was so kind. For greed and self-righteousness to steal his friends, was cruel.

“I’m sorry,�� she said.

Peeta shook his head at her. “Don’t be. They weren’t real, anyway. Delly is. That’s why she stuck around. Now, where was I?”

“We just signed papers at the Justice Building,” she supplied.

“Right, right.”

“What happens next?” 

Peeta shot her a look, one that asked her if she was serious. “You know what happens next.”

Katniss resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “What?”

“A toasting.” Peeta’s voice went soft, dreamlike. “We have a toasting.”

And suddenly, Katniss wasn’t a seventeen year old girl being sent to her death tomorrow morning for the second time. She wasn’t an instigator, forced to torture the boy that was in love with her with Capitol engagements in the slim hopes it would appease the rioting districts. She wasn’t the girl who had volunteered for her sister in a fight to the death.

She was no one. She was eleven years old, watching Peeta Mellark take a beating to give her some bread. To save the life of a dying girl.

She was cold, soaked from the rain and the memory, remembering the loaves as they landed in front of her. Remembering the heat that scorched her underneath her coat when she picked them up. 

“A toasting,” she repeated in a whisper, voice hollow and haunted.

“Yeah,” Peeta said, and he must have noticed the change in her demeanor, her body language, because he pulled his hand from hers to run it down her arm. “Hey.” He tilted her chin up, and she let him.

A shiver passed over her body.

“We don’t have to talk about this,” he said, “if it makes you uncomfortable. I know…” He took a deep breath, “I know you never planned on getting married.”

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable.” She didn’t even think before she spoke. “I just…” She felt incredibly stupid, because here he was comforting her when she was the one who made him talk about his dream wedding—which would never come true, now.

What kind of monster was she?

“I was thinking about the bread,” she whispered.

“Oh,” Peeta said, realizing. “Katniss, you know… we’re even. You don’t owe me a debt, or anything. I’m serious.”

“I know.” She wasn’t sure she agreed with him completely, she would always owe him in her mind, but she knew he was too kind to collect. Too in love with her to do anything about it. How could you repay someone for saving your life? But, it wasn’t about the debt. It was something else. And she didn’t know what. She didn’t have the time to figure it out, either.

Silence bridged the gap between them, while Katniss tried to wrap her mind around her emotions. No words between them. But she felt Peeta’s eyes on her. Soft, understanding. Waiting. He was always waiting, for her.

“Peeta…” she began. Barely audible.

“Hmm?” 

“Thank you.”

“What?”

“Thank you, for saving my life, with the bread. I have to say it, even if…” Even if we die tomorrow. Even if I die. Even if you live. Even if, even if, even if.

“Shh, hey, Katniss—” Confusion colored his tone, but still, he tried to reassure her. Like he always did.

“—And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you don’t get to have your dream. That I can’t love you the way you deserve. That I’m—”

In a brush of movement, Peeta had moved, until his forehead pressed against hers. Katniss thought he might kiss her, but he didn’t. Instead, his lips moved an inch from her own, his voice came rough and trembling, he cradled her face.

“Please don’t say that,” he said, soft and pleading and pained. “It’s not your fault.”

“You deserve better.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do! You deserve everything, Peeta Mellark.” And I can’t give it to you. I wish I could. I wish… She couldn’t bear to look at him, but couldn’t bear to pull herself too far away from him, either. 

Because she needed him. In more ways than he would ever know. She pulled back, and closed her eyes.

His hands still held her tenderly, though their foreheads were no longer pressed together. “I have everything I’ll ever need right here.” He didn’t miss a beat.

Katniss couldn’t say she was surprised. Or that his sentiment didn’t flatter her—or didn’t sting, because he was talking about her. In a way no one else had ever talked about her. In a way no one else ever would.

Not after tomorrow.

“Katniss, look at me.”

She did.

“You…” For a moment, it seemed as if the eloquent, sweet, Peeta Mellark had gone speechless, until: “You are everything. I love you.”

Even if, even if, even if…

I do, I do, I do…

I wish, I wish, I wish…

I love you, I love you, I love you…

All the words she could never say. Could never mean. Could never…

“I know,” she told him. The fight went out of her, and she opened her eyes. Her voice was nothing but a whisper. “I know.”

When could she stop hurting him? When could she give him something other than phantom pain—pain for parts of himself, gone forever. Would it hurt less, when she was gone?

With the conversation over, they shifted into more comfortable positions to try and get some rest, to hold each other. As Katniss lay her head on Peeta’s chest and he wrapped his arms around her, as they clung to each other in the silent, deadly dark, Katniss allowed her mind to wander.

One last time. 

Would this have happened anyway? she wondered. An echo of everything Peeta ever wanted. An echo of desires she wasn’t allowed to have.

It was a strange thought, disconnected from reality, barely formed.

Would we have happened anyway?

She knew that now, she would never know.

[emeraldbabygirl]

ATEEZ - Answer I’ve already stated why this song made me cry when I reviewed it over the summer. To attempt to put it shortly, I feel a sense of almost relief? It makes me feel proud of the boys in general and the songs feels like overcoming an obstacle and coming out stronger and just feeling overwhelmed by joy and happiness? And the part at the end really makes me just burst into tears it feels uplifting and beautiful.

MCND - Beautiful this song give me this nostalgia feeling, it sounds similar to a pop song I first heard in middle school (Down by Jay Sean). I started listening to pop in middle school and middle school is hell for everyone along with high school but there’s certain memories I have of middle school that weren’t too bad. I had a lot of friends, we filled up an entire table in the cafeteria. It was also in middle school that I sort of confessed to both my crushes. Middle school was different and new to me and ya’know middle school but this song reminds me of those times. Also about the song itself it gives me this feeling of longing and want like longing to fall in love and just it’s very strong and that really gets to me. (Upon looking up the lyrics it’s seems more like a song for the fans rather than a love song but that’s just the feeling it gives me and the way I interpret it)

Secret Number - Got That Boom recently this song has been making me feel things. Just the chorus is so upbeat and it feel like I can relax and just dance my heart out and just be happy and I don’t know if these girls will become an Itzy situation but there’s definitely something about the song that gives me kind of a similar feeling. I feel happy

CIX - Cinema ok so I never thought CIX would have this effect on me and up until recent songs didn’t give me these feelings and make me cry unless the song itself was sad. The way it’s been lately the songs I listen to can really sit with me and make me feel emotional even if the song is happy and upbeat. The way Cinema is, I’ve never used this phrasing before with anything, but the way I cried while just listening to the bridge and chorus in Cinema, that song is truly my safe place. Like my friend said “it feels like a hug” it does. That chorus gives me a feeling of nostalgia but in a way that makes it feel okay and it’s not a feeling that’s upsets me it’s literally a hug, it’s like a warm hug it feels like, like when I listen to it the way the members make their voices sound it’s relaxing and calming. It’s like whenever I hear the song, even if I’m watching a performance of it I feel calm, I feel okay. Like every bone in my body is at ease, every worry is melting away and I’m almost just floating on a cloud. I don’t exactly know how to put these feelings and emotions into words but I cannot praise Cinema enough.

OneWe & OneUs - Last Song this song is very upbeat and makes me feel joy and it doesn’t make me feel safe persay but it’s comforting. It’s another song that gives me a sense of longing. It’s like seeing an old friend again and reconnecting, like the ending credits to a really wholesome and wonderful movie about friendship and love amoung these friends that never stops growing. Just seeing all the clips in the mv of Oneus and Onewe together having fun and enjoying each other’s company, it’s almost like an end of summer recap having all these fun adventures and fun memories that you never want to forget and you will always cherish those memories and you want to keep those friends with you forever. And seeing them perform the song together on stage, the choreo has the same vibe it’s just a really feel good and wholesome song. (Also thinking about it now there also seems to be this sadness, like, ok in short sometimes I get really upset when I think about how I’m not little anymore. More on that later but this song feels like you’re just trying to be in the moment and preserve your youth, you don’t want to grow up, you don’t want things to change you want your friends to be with you always and you just want to live in this memory that you’ve captured foever and never grow up. That emotion is really strong here as well.)

Loona - Star a lot of people said this song gave them nostalgic feels and it’s crazy how that happened, it did for me too, as soon as I heard the chorus it hit me like a truck. I really don’t have the words to describe this song really other than that weird nostalgic feeling but it was weird how a lot of us had that feeling. The mv is beautiful and it’s crazy how I had memorized the chorus in the Korean version within a few days of watching them perform it. I really don’t know what to say about this song other than how amazing it is really. It kinda takes you back to a certain time in your life but I don’t know what that time it. Someone had said that they were listening to it while their mum was a asleep and the mum dreamed she was back in her hometown and she could hear that song play in the streets, it almost seems as if that song has time traveling powers or some power truly beyond humans lmao. She’s really something

Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye this song is hella but the bridge and the hard rock in the chorus sent me into fight or flight for the first time. I got another nostalgia feeling but with an image which never happens to me but basically picture it raining hard and you have extreme feelings of sadness and dread and you just want to almost scream?

Ghost9 - Thinking of Dawn another fight or flight song, it’s really weird tho but specifically Prince’s line in the bridge or chorus gave me a panic attack the first time I heard it, there’s something about the way the song and his voice sounds that like upsets me? And makes me want to cry. (Almost like this impending doom feeling. Similar vibes actually to that cursed Artificial Intelligence movie that I fucking loathe so goddamn much)

Twice - Cry for Me gurl this song gives me nostalgia like an early 2000’s but maybe late 90’s pop song and wow, it’s just so damn good I had to put it here

Sunmi - Pporoppipiiram - this song is another one that kinda plays with my emotions, I’ve described it as running away in the night with a secret lover, I’ve talked about wanting to just have these crazy night time shenanigans with a lover or friend and feeling free, it’s a song that I can see a sunrise in my head, the opening sounds and smells like a sunrise during the summer, possibly on the beach seeing the sun’s rays lighting up the ocean, the soft pink and orange glow, what Sunmi perfectly portrays in that mv is exactly what goes on in my mind whenever I listen to that song and she’s a certified bop™️ and that song is just so lovely but she’s got some feeling to it

2Z - Not Without You - motherfuckin 2Z came out with this song after Hyungwoong left and I was still upset about him leaving but I still wanted to support 2Z cause I wasn’t about to give up on them like that and the way this song was carried was gorgeous. I clearly cried, the way the song and the members voices make you feel comforted and kind of at peace with the world. It’s an uplifting song and the member’s sound wonderfully and Zunon’s voice was actually what brought me to tears, his singing is so gentle and truly beautiful and he fits right in with 2Z and when I realized that and I realized that 2Z can do all these things with their voices I just couldn’t help but cry. This song is like a huge sigh of relief but also tears of happiness

2Z - Stand nothing really specific about this song just the mv made me fucking cry at like 5 in the am. There was a big sad feeling tho

Yooa - Bon Voyage I never expected Yooa to get a solo but I was so blown away for her solo. It’s not a song that is a bop or really upbeat but it’s a gorgeous piece and with the way it sounds and the set and her outfits. It’s really the whole fantasy theme. It takes you away to a make believe world where you are free and you can just get away and escape. I don’t really know how to describe it but the scene where she’s on like rocks and she’s just spinning and it’s got that cool sound to the song, that scene describes the feeling perfectly

Pentagon - Daisy this fucking song. First off fuck you Pentagon for making me feel emotions yet making Yuto and Hongseok go tits up. Just seeing them all on the floor looking defeated or at a loss, it’s a painful feeling. It’s a song that makes me feel bad and towards the end I felt this feeling of fight or flight like, I wanted to stop watching it because I felt this inner panic for some reason like I had to get away. And then when they all sing together that really did me in, made me tear up and it’s a beautiful song but not in a beautiful way it’s painfully beautiful and the boys did so well in portraying all the feeling through their voices and just the different scenes in the mv

BlackPink - Lovesick Girls this song I call my self proclaimed anthem, I heard it for the first some time and it wasn’t until I watched them perform it for the first time that I teared up. At the time this happened I was really sad and I kept “slipping” so I felt very touch starved and clingy and I wanted just love and affection from anyone. I was feeling really lonely and the feeling was stronger than it’s ever been it I felt like crying all the time I was just so upset that I was lonely and I really wanted love and affection and this song was like my therapy for that I guess? I didn’t feel so alone. There’s a strong emotional bond I have with this, the desire and the need to fall in love and to just have attention from that one special person. I know the song is kind of about just feeling like you’re not cut out for falling in love and you know every relationship ends but there’s still that need, that desire to fall in love and be in love with another person, and with me I always say I don’t want to be in a relationship, I hate men, love is disgusting, but there’s thing strong desire and need inside me to be loved and to fall in love and sometimes, like when this song came out, you just get so upset that it feels like your heart is like in pain, like you hurt on the inside. That whole “hurts your heart” shit

Itzy - Wannabe I’m actually not going to explain why this song makes me cry I’m not ready to give the whole story yet and I probably won’t be. So in short, I heard this song when I was at quite a low point in my life I suppose, problems at work were just causing me to truly feel like shit and this song really hit me and actually the Wannabe era is what made me stan Itzy those girls are so precious to me and I hold them so close to my heart they are little miracles honestly and that song just really sits with me

I highly recommend all these songs they are so good and they have such beautiful and great mvs to go with them, some even cinematic masterpieces also this finna be my playlist for my funeral honestly. She doubles as the ‘play this at my funeral’ playlist

[inkykeiji]

"angels of porn II", "uncle", "you're so cool", "rabid", "dog teeth", "poacher's pride", "mean", "runnin' free", "sweet girl", "he hit me (and it felt like a kiss)" when i say her entire discography i MEAN her entire discography in some way or another <3 nicole dollanganger anon

OKAY ANON I FINALLY DID IT I FINALLY SAT DOWN AND THOROUGHLY LISTENED TO ALL OF THESE AAAAH big apologies for the absolute ESSAY i wrote you under the cut!!

angels of porn II: aaah tbh with u i had to stop listening to this at ‘my hair is falling out again’ because it was making me feel icky and depressed ehehe BUT i looked up the lyrics and yeah i can definitely see where you’re coming from with why this might remind u of my work!!

uncle: i’ve heard this song before!!! i have no idea WHERE but i recognize it! this definitely gave me reader x touya-nii vibes especially like, the main series in general (part one for sure!! but really just the whole vibe with like that all-consuming love and the dependency reader has on him, how badly she lives to please him and receive his praise, etc)

you're so cool: (i hope to god this is a true romance reference ehehehe) OOOOH I LOVE THIS ONE i love this one i love this one so much okay so far this is my favourite out of the three i’ve listened to. absolutely adding this to both my touya-nii playlist AND my poison!dabi playlist holy shit i really love this one,,, literally do not be surprised if lyrics from this song end up as one of the titles to my pieces oh my GOD i love it

rabid: holy shit i love this one too. the entire first verse and ‘you like to play with knives and get all cut up’ and ‘no blood for you will ever be enough’ aaaaah oooh i love it so much. it also made me cry really bad for some reason??? and i’m not exactly why, idk if it’s because i feel like i’m relating so fucking hard to it or if it’s just how heartbreakingly sad her melodies are??? but she’s an incredible songwriter oh my gosh, thank you for introducing me!! i hope i can listen to this soon without crying ahahaha

dog teeth: fuck i love this one too!!! ooooh the chorus is definitely my favourite ahahaha i already have a version of dabi forming in my head that i’d LOVE to write inspired by this song eeeeee. definitely touya-nii vibes too tho!!! absolutely!! this is an absolute sidenote that has little to do with anything BUT listening to these has made me think about my three (now four i guess if we count 1950s dabi!!) versions of dabi and the fact that literally every single song so far makes me think of touya-nii is reminding me of just how fucked up i made him and just how much i LOVE that iteration i created ahahaha he has such a special place in my heart and maybe that’s another reason why these songs are making me so damn emotional???

poacher's pride: oh my god this one is DARK ahahahaha yikes but i like it!! the lyrics more than anything else but yeah, wow. i love the theme of angels in her work, really really interesting!! i also looked her up and found out she’s from southern ontario as well and YEAH this literally has such like,,,   abandoned small town ontario vibes oooh it all makes so much more sense now ahaha. it’s hard to explain, but if you’re from a small town in ontario you’ll understand what i’m talking about but like, i can VISUALIZE her songs. i can literally see parts of my town and the tinier towns up north and bits and pieces of my life as i listen to her music… that’s probably playing a really big part in why her songs keep making me fuCKING CRY too ahaha

mean: okay this one made me sob and for that reason i do not like it hahaha there’s uh like two lines in here that hit me really really hard and i probably should’ve turned it off right after that but i didn’t and that was a mistake on my part lol. beautiful song tho!! there are just a few parts of it that hit a little too close to home hahaha, but i mean—that’s truly a sign of good art, you know?? when it literally makes you THAT emotional that quickly…… i think she’s an insanely talented artist, though!!

runnin’ free: oh my god hahahaha AGAIN this is like, august in the town i grew up in. that’s what it reminds me of; sticky humid august summers in this lil farming town where nothing ever happens and all you can hear is the buzz of the cicadas. i love the chorus tho!!! so much!!!! the song as a whole makes me,,,, not exactly nostalgic because i do not miss that time of my life at all, but like,, a deep melancholy mixed with nostalgia, if that makes sense???

sweet girl: WAAAAH i love this one so much!!!! i love this one so so so much ahahah i know it’s depicting a lesbian relationship but the vibe of the song itself makes me think of poison!dabi

he hit me (and it felt like a kiss): AAAAAAH THIS ONE yes yes yes!!!!! this one is also sooooo so so poision!dabi like holy fuck 110% ahaha i added it to my playlist for him, too

AAAH apologies that i wrote you a LITERAL ESSAY on my thoughts and i’m sorry it took me a bit of time to get to this!! but i really wanted to set aside some time to solely listen to these songs n give you my thoughts (and i’m currently sick in bed so it was the perfect opportunity ahaha).

in conclusion, i loved her stuff but so much of it felt so personal (in relation to myself!!)—perhaps a little too personal and it made me extremely emotional but in an interesting way??? i’ve never encountered music that made me feel that intensely so FAST, so i’m really intrigued ahaha, and again i think a lot of it has to do with just how much her art feels like it is imbued with the essence of small town southern ontario, which i personally have a LOT of mixed feelings towards ehehe BUT ANYWAY NOW I’M RAMBLING

thank you so much anon for introducing me to such a beautiful artist, i think when i’m feeling a little better (both physically and emotionally ahaha) that i’d like to give more of her stuff a try and eventually not cry at every song, because i really do love her lyrics so much!! and i don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that it made me so emotional—like i said i find it soooo interesting, i can’t even describe some of the feelings her music gave me, i’m not sure words exist for them but i’d love to listen to her again and try to write them down or describe them myself—but obv i don’t want to cry every single time i listen to her!!

[daily-jaspvid]

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Jaspvid fluff

This is the first chapter of my prequel series. This takes place the winter before the show takes place, in which Jasper happens upon David at a party. 

This was supposed to be a one-shot, but it is quickly turning into at least 3 chapters. I can’t post the second chapter here, but chapters 1 and 3 will be here! No plot happens in chapter 2, just NSFT content heh.

also the title song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5Or6-HOveg

Here's part 1! Merry Christmas!

Gem insisted this party would be good; that she had seen this band perform before and how great they were live. With nothing better to do, I decided to tag along. After all, finals were over and we were due to celebrate before we headed home for winter break. 

When we arrived Gem was immediately distracted by the punch bowl conversation. From how many people stopped to greet her, I was reminded of how gregarious my friend was compared to me. Not wanting to harsh her style too much, I took my cup of punch towards the dance floor.  From the looks of it, the band was starting to set up, so the waiting stereo pumped out indie tunes. 

I idly bopped along to a familiar song when a firm force bumps me from behind. I stagger, holding out my drink to steady it. In the next beat, I feel hands brace my waist to steady me. The hands are warm, firm, but didn’t feel of ill intent. 

“Oh, sorry about that!” Chirped an equally as warm voice. I turn and the hands pop off me like old stickers peeling away. I see an auburn-haired man who offered a genuinely sorry smile. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied abruptly as anxiety swelled in me. Sure, I was expecting to meet a few new people today, but a cute ginger boy right off the bat? I guess Christmas was coming early. 

He wore a red button down and a pair of blue jeans. He appeared to be wearing a band tee, but I can’t figure out who in particular. His face shown with simply the brightest smile I have seen in years. It felt familiar. 

“So, uh… you ever see this band before?” I ask after a few awkward seconds of standing together. 

“I haven’t. Honestly, this is the first party I’ve been to this semester. I’ve been pretty busy between classes and student teaching. You?”

“Pretty much the same. I’m studying to be a writer. Not as exciting, I’m sure, but it’s an excuse to spend all my free time reading at home.” I admit with a quick and strained smile. Before he could respond, Gem came upon us with one of her friends. 

“Hey, you two! See, Cathy? I told you they would get along! We didn’t even have to enact the master plan!” Gem exclaimed, causing Cathy to stifle a laugh. 

“David, you’ve met Gem from my psych class,” she motioned to the mutual friend. “So you must be her friend from therapy, was it?”

I shoot Gem a look, which she just shrugged to. Damn psych majors and their gossip. “Yes, Jasper,” I confirm, offering my hand to her. She gives it a firm and professional shake. 

“Isn’t he just the cutest, Cathy? Hes such a little crab! It took me weeks to convince him to come!” Gem lamented. She moved in front of me to adjust my clothing, tugging at my popped collar to lay it down. I grimace, hand twitching with a desire to hide my exposed neck. I see David’s eyes flicker down to my neck before looking away, tension filling into his eyes. That was most people’s reaction when they see the scars there. The polite ones, anyway.

The conversation was cut short by the music lowering and a mic switching on. The band introduced themselves as Florist and began playing their easy, folky tunes to the milling crowd. Gem scurried off through the crowd to get closer while Gem hung back to tap away at her phone. Just as quickly as they came, I was once again left alone with the lithe ginger. I spent most of the set watching him from my peripherals. He swayed gently to the music, expression fixated intently on the band. He seemed to pour all of his focus into them and I could feel the aura force field around him, seeming to block everything else out. 

Before I could fully process his energy the set was already over. The band thanked us for listening and the previous playlist switched back on. By this point, people were beginning to collect their friends and head out. David seemed to be remembering his place among the crowd and looked around. Our eyes catch each other’s and I find my voice springing out before really even considering my words. 

“Hey. You wanna get some coffee?” The words tumble out, and by the time I get to the end of the statement, I can feel myself quivering with unease. If David picked up on this he didn’t show it. 

“Yeah, sure! I’d love to!” He chimed. David caught Cathy’s attention to let her know the plan. I felt a little bad about ditching Gem, but it wasn’t like she seemed very keen on hanging around me. It’s what she would want.

When we stepped outside it was, unfortunately, pouring rain. Freezing rain. I unrolled my sleeves to save myself from the cold a little bit.

“Damn, so much for getting anywhere in this. I’ll call us a Lyft.” We hung out on the porch while I set up the ride. 

Despite the weather, it arrived within minutes. We ducked in, only made mildly damn. Though the café was only a few blocks away, it felt longer in the silence. Once again I found myself watching him from the corner of my eye. As we turned the block the side of the road through his window showed the dark abyss of dense forest. His reflection in the window became water-warped, and the familiarity finally clicked. I let out a quick huff of my breath, catching his attention.

“Davey?” I asked tentatively. His head snapped up from his phone, eyes wide. He looked like he had seen a ghost. 

“Nobody calls me that. Not since I was a kid - except for Mr. Campbell, but-” He paused, his confused expression shifting to concern as I recoil at the name “Campbell”. Memories of my 11th summer come crashing back to me and I suddenly feel ill. As if on cue, our driver stops to drop us off. I have never been more thankful to stand in the pouring rain.

“Come on, you’ll get soaked to the bone!” David exclaimed, grabbing my hand to pull me into the café. 

Thankfully this place had good heating. The cozy café had few patrons. Most people were either at parties or already homeward bound to family. We stepped up to order and it wasn’t until the barista gave us a knowing smile that we realized we were still holding hands. Flustered, we take turns ordering our drinks. 

“So… You’re the Jasper I knew all those years ago? From summer camp? It’s been, what, 13 years? Man, it must really be a small world, huh?” He sighed nostalgically. 

“Honestly, I’m surprised I recognized you,” I admit with a shrug. “I guess I remember more about that last summer than I thought. For a long time it was such a blur, to be honest.”

We collected our drinks and headed to a space heater in the back of the café. It had a couple of chairs surrounding it that we settled in to. David flopped into his with a heavy, content sigh. I sat more forwardly in mine, resting my elbows on my knees and leaning towards the warmth. I felt numb, like neither the aching cold nor the radiating heat could break through to me. 

“You seem sad.” David’s voice broke through the silence once again. It was low and tender as he leaned over to me.

“I’m fine, really, just… a lot is coming back to me, is all,” I chew on my lip and spoke through grit. “A lot of not great thing happened that last summer we knew each other. Not great things that lead to worse things. It isn’t your fault, of course, It's just… forget it.”

David reached out a hand and placed it on my leg, giving it a squeeze. his eyes scanned as if searching for the right words to say but ultimately decided to remain quiet. We sat like this for a few minutes before I pulled out my phone.

“Hey, can I have your number? I’d like to keep in touch again if that's ok?”

“Of course! I would love to catch up!” Davey perked up as he received my phone and punched in his number. “So, what do you like to write?”

Hours soon had drifted by as we conversed. I soaked in every smile and laugh. Craved every new emotion I could draw out of his expressive being. Anything he had to give, really. Davey radiated with life. It poured out of his being, passion radiating like a star.

Oh, God.

I can’t be falling in love.

I feel my breath hitch as I suck in air. Davey notices and pauses his story to ask if I was alright, only for the clock to ding for 4 am. Shit. 

“You can crash at my place if you’d like.” he offers as we stand. I feel like I am going to faint back into the chair. Clearing my voice and adjusting my flannel, I nod.

“I’d like that more than anything right now.” I reply, taking up his offer and hoping I don’t sound too desperate. Just like that, we set back off into the rain and caught a ride across town to his apartment.

[luvneedsnosyt]

My Favorite Albums of 2020

Here is my list of my personal top albums of 2020

You can find my separate list for top EPs of 2020 here

My Previous monthly lists from 2020: January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November

My list last year for my top albums of 2019 can be found here.

Honorable Mention:

Aluna - Renaissance Genre: Synth Pop / Dance

Lead singer from AlunaGeorge steps out on her own with this fast paced romp. She brings along many well known producers like Diplo (who she’s signed with as a solo artist), KAYTRANADA, SG Lewis and more.

Proof: Warrior (Feat. SG Lewis) / Body Pump

Big Gigantic - Free Your Mind Genre: Electronic / Dance

The Colorado duo Big Gigantic’s big breakout was their sixth album in 2016’s Brighter Future that really expanded the reach of their high octane music. Four years later we have their follow up in this joyous affair. With their use of horns (one of them is a trained saxophonist) they always have a big band feel that meets the club in their sound that's so infectious.

Proof: Burning Love (Feat. Kidepo) / You’re The One (Feat. Nevve)

Cam - The Otherside Genre: Country / Pop

I’m not typically a big country fan but this country with a little infusion of pop is something I can ride for. Really digging the ways Cam expanded on a typical country vernacular while still staying true to it as well.

Proof: The Otherside / Classic

CloZee - Neon Jungle Genre: Electronic / World Bass

CloZee’s musical landscapes are living breathing entities. Her music is lush and vibrant that seem to flow to and frow with a breeze. Not what most people would attribute to the genre which is why it stands out.

Proof: Winter Is Coming / Heya

dvsn - A Muse In Her Feelings Genre: R&B / Neo-Soul

The third album by Toronto R&B duo dvsn and this is by far their best. A seductive and savory exploration through love, sexuality and heartbreak.

Proof: Dangerous City (Feat. Ty Dolla $ign & Buju Banton) / A Muse

Duke Dumont - Duality // Duality Remixed Genre: Electronic / Dance

This is sort of a greatest hits with some new songs masked as a debut. The fact most of these songs we have heard before and some way back to 2015, knocks this album back a bit on my list. That being said Duke Dumont is one of the best at funk infused dance music and this album bangs!

Proof: Ocean Drive / Together (w/ How To Dress Well) // Ocean Drive (Purple Disco Machine Remix) / Together (Luttrell Remix) w/ How To Dress Well

Empress Of - I’m Your Empress Of Genre: R&B / Pop

Empress Of’s sophomore album Us was quite an upward trajectory from her already good debut album. On her third record here that momentum is kept going with a little flair. This is her most danceable record yet with some nostalgic synths added to her musical attire that’s an accessory worth attention but not too distracting.

Proof: Bit of Rain / Love Is A Drug

Fakear - Everything Will Grow Again Genre: Electronic / Dance / Tropical House

French DJ Fakear’s eclectic sophomore album is lush and expansive in it’s sound. You feel enveloped in an exotic and kinetic world that you can’t help but get lost in while listening. 

Proof: Sekoia / Rituals (Feat. Luiza Fernandes)

Georgia - Seeking Thrills Genre: Synth Pop

This sophomore album by the english singer is a riot full of pulsating beats and neon lit synth patterns. The singing has Santigold/M.I.A. vibes without being an emulation.

Proof: Never Let You Go / Ray Guns

Halsey - MANIC Genre: Pop / R&B

It’s been a pretty dramatic rise for the singer. She was already a sensation by the time her debut album Badlands came out in 2015. Now she’s one of the sought after features and a pretty big act in music. This third album MANIC is her most consistent, powerful and best. She has perfected how to utilize her raspy voice and how to connect with the listener and evoke strong emotions. 

Proof: you should be sad / Without Me

Illenium - ASCEND (Remixes) Genre: Electronic / Dance

Illenium’s ASCEND was my 3rd favorite record of 2019. As quite a nice gift Illenium dropped off this super sized remix album with at least one remix of each song off the glorious album. 

Proof: Good Things Fall Apart (3LAU Remix) Feat. Jon Bellion / In Your Arms (Alan Walker Remix) Feat. X Ambassadors

Kingdom - Neurofire Genre: Electronic / Neo-Soul / Dance

Even if you don’t know Kingdom off the top of your head you’ve probably heard a Kingdom produced song without knowing. He’s been a behind the scenes go-to producer and runs a label that has such artists as Kalela and Dawn Richards on it. Neurofire is a smooth soulful electronic album that has such an contagious bob to it you can’t help yourself but start dancing.

Proof: High Enough (Feat. Tiara Thomas) / His n Hers (Feat. Semma)

Lady Gaga - Chromatica Genre: Pop / Dance

Despite her immense success, Lady Gaga is not a complacent woman. After readjusting her sound to something more stripped down on 2016’s Joann, Gaga did another about face this time leaning into the EDM world and making an ecstatic dance record. Linking with many big hitter DJs for production work in Tchami, BloodPop, Madeon, Skrillex, Axwelll and others, who create a great vivacious platform for Gaga to strut all over.

Proof: Stupid Love / Replay

Låpsley - Through Water Genre: Indie Pop / Electronic

It’s been four years since British singer Låpsley’s debut album. But it seems that time was well utilized as this is a great leap for the artist. I enjoyed her understated debut but here she was able to incorporate a little more kinetic energy in her recording while keeping the sentimentalism of them really effectively.

Proof: Ligne 3 / Womxn

Lastlings - First Contact Genre: Electronic / Future Bass / Dance

I haven’t heard the early EPs from Australian dou Lastlings so first listening to this album was quite a pleasant surprise. There’s some definite influences from fellow Australian act RÜFÜS DU SOL here. And influences that they utilize nicely.

Proof: Deja Vu / No Time

The Strokes - The New Abnormal Genre: Alternative / Rock

It’s not often an extremely successful rock group after an extended hiatus returns and makes one of their best albums. Working with Rick Ruban the legendary New York group returns after seven years with an album that exerts a high level of confidence and maturity. It doesn’t scream out at you as an album yet the music is incredibly in depth and rewarding.

Proof: Brooklyn Bridge to Chorus / Not The Same Anymore

Sylvan Esso - Free Love Genre: Synth Pop

For their third album the North Carolina based duo took a slightly scaled back sound as the tone is a bit more somber and muted then their past albums. The indie pop is much more dominant over the Electronic aspects of their music. It still however is their enjoyable meshing of the two and there’s still plenty of danceable moments, they are just more interspersed in a more internal faced record. 

Proof: Ferris Wheel / Frequency

Tchami - Year Zero Genre: Electronic / Dance

The French DJ Techami finally drops a debut album and what a blast this is. Year Zero is a joy ride form start to finish with no real filler tracks of straight enjoyable dance records. 

Proof: Ain’t That Kind Of Friend (Feat. Modesty) / Ghosts (Feat. Hana)

Tyler Swift - evermore Genre: Indie Pop / Folk

The second of Taylor’s 2020 albums; made with the National’s Aaron Dessor. This one you can tell is a bit of tracks that didn’t fit the construct of folklore. This has a bit of a “thrown together” feel, which sounds more harsh then how I mean it. With that being said these are still more of probably my favorite iteration we’ve seen of Taylor so I enjoy it immensely. More on folklore below.

Proof: ‘tis the damn season / ivy

We Are The City - RIP Genre: Rock / Alternative

This is the fifth by the Concadian Rock group but the first I have heard by them so I can’t offer insight on how this fits in their past work. But when I heard the guitars and crashing drums come in on the thunderous opener “Killer B-Side Music” I was instantly hooked. This is a fun and emotionally gripping journey through this groups organized chaos. 

Proof: Killer B-Side Music / Saint Peter

The List:

Last One Out: The Naked And Famous - Recover Genre: Synth Pop

New Zealand band The Naked and Famous return with their fourth album full of their patented form of catchy synth pop meant to excite and evoke. The songs are take their shoes off and make themselves at home in your head demanding a sing along.

Proof: Sunseeker / Bury Us / Come As You Are / Coming Back To Me

35. Grimes - Miss Anthropocane Genre: Synth Pop / Electronic

It’s been an odd couple years for the singer/producer Grimes as her high profile relationship has pushed her further into the celebrity life then she has been in the past. Despite the chios she still is an extremely talented musician and this stellar album shows that off nicely. I feel Grimes was a bit too harsh on her previous album, 2015 Art Angels, which had a more general pop sensibility. I genuinely loved Art Angels. With her own frustration Grimes went back closer to her early sound with this follow up. Her ability to bend song structures to her will creates an ever changing and unpredictable landscape for the lister to get lost in.

Proof: So Heavy I Fell Through The Earth / Violence (w/ i_o) / Idoru / We Appreciate Power (Feat. HANA)

34. Taylor Swift - folklore Genre: Indie Pop / folk

Taylor had a busy quarantine using this time to link up with Aaron Dessner of the National and Jack Antonoff to make not one but two albums. The first one here a surprise drop in July hit everyone in all the feels. The stripped down sound felt right at home with the isolation a lot of us were feeling during this pandemic. Taylor’s writing is as piercing as ever over these mellow and somber tracks.

Proof: cardigan / my tears ricochet / seven / august

33. Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia // Club Future Nostalgia Genre: Synth Pop / Dance

English singer Dua Lipa confidently busts out the sequence for this dazzling sophomore album. As the title suggests this is a futuristic blast from the past with influences from the 70’s disco and 80’s synth pop in a modern ensemble. The songs are all catchy af and danceable as hell but you still never lose sight of the true centerpiece and that is Dua’s authoritative voice. She has the perfect vocal conflexion for electronic songs as it's commending enough to not get lost in the kinetic ensembles but also light and malleable enough to ride the harmonies with grace. As can be seen by her getting all the GRAMMY nominations the world is taking note of this pop force.

Proof: Don’t Start Now / Cool / Physical / Break My Heart // Hallucinate (Paul Woolford Remix) / Don’t Start Now (KAYTRANADA Remix) / Physical (Mark Ronson Remix) Feat. Gwen Stefani / Cool (Jayda G Remix)

32. KAYTRANADA - BUBBA Genre: Electronic / R&B / Dance

Montreal based producer KAYTRANADA picks up right where his 2016 debut left off with this smooth and sensual vibe fest of an album. The album doesn’t ever go for anything too high or too low. The tempo is pretty consistent in a controlled bob that can get a crowd up and dancing or can be played in the background for a chill environment.

Proof: Go DJ (Feat. SiR) / 10% (Feat. Kali Uchis) / Need It (Feat. Masego) / The Worst In Me (Feat. Tinashe)

31. The Killers - Imploding The Mirage Genre: Rock / Alternative

With over 16 years in the game, The Vegas rock group and one of my personal all time favorite bands has not lost a step. Imploding The Mirage follows their 2017 Wonderful Wonderful as a return to their early form. This new album is a triumphant and boisterous affair exuding with confidence that only a group together this long can employ.

Proof: Dying Breed / Caution / Running Towards a Place / When the Dreams Run Dry

30. Blanche - EMPIRE Genre: Indie Pop

21 year old Belgium singer Blanche’s raspy commanding voice is one beyond her years. It’s very delicate while demanding your attention. On this debut she utilizes the effective voice nicely by surrounding it with a cinematic harmonious backing. 

Proof: Empire / Till We Collide / Fences / How Does That Sound

29. BRONSON (Golden Features & ODESZA) - BRONSON Genre: Electronic / Dance

Connecting from an admiration of each other’s music, Seattle electronic duo ODESZA and Australian DJ Golden Feature team up for this new trio that merges their sounds while give us something completely new from the artists. Where ODESZA’s sound is more light and airy this collaboration is darker and dense. The weight of each track give them a powerful emotive feel as they blend into each other while the album progresses. 

Proof: HEART ATTACK (Feat. lau.ra) / KNOW ME (Feat. Gallant) / TENSE / DAWN (Feat. Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs)

28. GASHI - 1984 Genre: alt-R&B / Synth Pop

It’s been a long road GASHI, growing up as an Albianian refugee before his family settled in Brooklyn as a child. GASHI struggled initially to learn English and eventually used music as his tool to learning the language. Dropping out of college to focus on music GASHI dropped a mixtape and couple albums that were pretty below the radar. It seems in 2018 connecting with DJ Snake was a catalyst for the singer. His last two albums have a focused synth heavy vernacular with an 80’s nostalgia. There’s a slightly haunting tension in his music that brings a level of wonder and mystery. The slight reverb makes the tracks feel as though they are recorded in a dark void with the jabbing synths as youre neon guilding light. 

Proof: Mama (Feat. Sting) / Paranoid / Never Give Up On Me / Mr. Ferrari

27. Caroline Rose - Superstar Genre: Indie Rock / Alternative

Starting as a more folk/country based artist, the NY based artist took a dramatic shift in her music to a more indie rock style with some hints of synth pop and the move has proved rather fruitful. On her fourth album Caroline has hit a rather confident sweet spot. Superstar is filled with tunes you can jam out to with reckless abandon. 

Proof: Nothing’s Impossible / Got to Go My Own Way / Someone New / Back at the Beginning

26. Jason Ross - 1000 Faces // 1000 Faces Remixes Genre: Electronic / Dance

Seven Lion’s understudy takes an emphatic step out of the shadows and it’s quite a big step! 1000 Faces pushes the twin cities DJ in the mix of top electronic DJs. He definitely shows off how he learned the use of dead space from Seven Lions but in his own style for dramatic drops in his ensembles. Suspense is used almost as an instrument leading to crashing moments meant to get you up and moving and your feelings yanked on.

Proof: When the Night Falls (w/ Fiora) / One that Got Away (w/ Dabin & Dylan Matthew) / Known You Before (w/ Seven Lions & Emilie Brandt) / 1000 Faces (w/ Dia Frampton) // Leave Me To Wonder (Just A Gent Remix) w/ Fiora / When The Night Falls (AWAKEND Remix) w/ Fiora / Known You Before (Trivecta Remix) w/ Seven Lions Feat. Emilie Brandt / Shelter (No Mana Remix) Feat. Melanie Fontana

25. HAIM - Women in Music Pt. III Genre: Pop

The HAIM sisters are slowily chipping away at their sound adding in more elements, while also chipping away at the patriarchy. Women in Music Pt. III is a further expanding the trios musical pallet with more R&B and Jazz sensibilities then we’ve heard from them before. Their strength is still their strong consistency. At 16 tracks this album still feels like there isn’t a wasted moment, every song is solid in its own right and contributes to the overall arc of the project. My sneaky favorite track is the smooth “3 AM” that sounds like it could be on a Janet Jackson album with it’s soulful and catchy as hell chorus and bouncy beat that get your head bopping and shoulders rolling. 

Proof: Gasoline / Don’t Wanna / 3 AM / Now I’m In It

24. PVRIS - Use Me Genre: Rock / Scythe Pop / Alternative

Rock music as a genre has been a bit pushed back from the limelight the last few years. However that doesn’t mean the genre is dying and great acts like PVRIS prove that. Following up their thrilling 2017 album All We Know of Heaven, All We Need of Hell we see the rock group experimenting more with their sound. The 2019 EP gave us a teaser of the ways Synth Pop will infiltrate their vernacular more on this record. That doesn’t mean they are “going straight pop” here as this is still a rambunctious form of rock music. Just more blurry around the edges. PVRIS and lead singer Lynn are able to evoke such strong emotions in ever track, it’s impossible to not feel and sympathize with what her emotion is for that track while listening. 

Proof: Death of Me / Hallucinations / Old Wounds / Wish You Well

23. Disclosure - ENERGY Genre: Electronic / Dance

After a decade in the genre and more then a 5 year break from their exhilarating sophomore album Caracal (one of my personal favorite records of 2015), the London DJ duo return with this double album stuffed with euphoria inducing dance tunes. The name of the album is the consistent throughline, every track is bursting with vibes and energy. There’s also an obvious globalization with their already inclusive music with many songs featuring singers in other languages and using themes from that culture in the beat making. It’s quite a thrilling journey that keeps you guessing song to song what will come up next.

Proof: Lavender (w/ Channel Tres) / Douha (Mali Mali) w/ Fatoumata Diawara / Tondo (w/ Eko Roosevelt) / Know Your Worth (w/ Khalid)

22. Deante’ Hitchcock - BETTER Genre: Hip Hop

What an impressive debut from the 27 year old Atlanta rapper. I wasn’t up on Deante’ until this album came out so I don’t have knowledge of his rise but this was a great introduction to him. You can really see the merging of older Atlanta influences from Goodie Mob, Outkast and Ludacris with new hip hop from J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar and Wale in his sound. Hip Hop is in a funky moment right now as there’s a bit of a struggle on what the dominant sound and style will be. This is a necessary struggle for such a diverse and malleable form of music. For me this is my favorite form of the genre and seeing new artists like Deante’ and JID come in with such vigor let’s me know it’s not going to die off. 

Proof: I Remember / I Got Money Now (Feat. JID) / Circles / Angels

21. Alina Baraz - It Was Divine Genre: R&B / Soul

The soothing and sultry vocals of singer Alina Baraz have been some of my favorites since she slid on the scene as the vocalist on Urban Flora EP with producer Galimatias in 2015. Her soft and understated Soul music flows and sways in your head like a mellow gust of wind picking you up and carrying you to a better place. Starting from her previous project, Alina’s partnership with Khalid has quickly become one of my favorite pairings, that I hope they continue. 

Proof: Morocco (Feat. 6LACK) / Endlessly / Off The Grid (Feat. Khalid) / More Than Enough

20. Harry Styles - Fine Line Genre: Alternative / Indie Pop

On the first round of albums from the One Direction boys I will admit I was more drawn to ZAYN’s alt-R&B sound. But even with that I still enjoyed and could tell Harry was doring much more musically on his 70’s rock influenced self titled solo debut. It only took him two tries to perfect his sound on this brilliant follow up. On Harry Styles I felt Harry was emulating his influences a bit too much but here he’s perfect keeping that same nostalgic vernacular while modernizing the sound. The 26 year old brit boasts a level of confidence here that is pretty engraved in the music. The R&B banger :Adore You” was my favorite song on the album on the first few listens but eventually the emotionally gripping closer “Fine Line” caught up with me for all the feels.

Proof: Watermelon Sugar / Adore You / Lights Up / Fine Line

19. Sufjan Stevens - The Ascension Genre: Synth Pop

Sufjan is an artist that likes to bounce around in styles project to project and this might be his most dramatic bounce as he takes on a more electronic palette then his normally acoustical vernacular. It still is a Sufjan album and very internal and subdued in vibe, but with a more expansive musical landscape that makes his normally intimate and crouched music a bit more of an expansive and sprawling affair. The moments of emotional outburst are mostly through the synths and drums rather than Steven’s words and lead to the tracks all individually wound tight with tension and then carefully crafted moments of erupting release. 

Proof: Video Games / Ativan / Sugar / America

18. Krewella - zer0 Genre: Electronic / Synth Pop / Dance

Good things come to those who wait and we had to wait quite a while for the sophomore album from the sister duo of Krewella. zer0 is a burst of danceable pop tunes stuffed with numerous outside influences on the sisters. There’s some general pop influences from artists like Christina Agulaera, there’s electronic backings with notes taken from contemporaries like Alison Wonderland and there’s a definite spine of their Pakistani heritage audibly visible as well. This is quite a confident and exhilarating cannon shot of an album by the duo I feel has been a bit criminally overlooked.

Proof: Good On You (Feat. Nucleya) / Anxiety (Feat. Arrested Youth) / Ghost / Greenlights

17. Jack Garratt - Love, Death & Dancing Genre: R&B / Pop / Electronic

British singer Jack Garratt returns with his bursting soulful vocals over a unpredictably windy electronic pallet. Every track by Jack Garratt takes the listener on quite a picturesque journey with dramatic shifts in tone and pace. In much less deserving hands this can be a recipe for a disastrously chaotic listen but as mentioned before Jack’s smooth vocal delivery is an effective juxtaposition to the kinetic melodies. You never know what the next turn is but whenever you feel lost, Jack extends his voice as a helping hand to reel you back in. Eventually you just know you’re along for a ride and to buckle up and enjoy.

Proof: Time / Return Them To The One / Better / Circles

16. Charli XCX - how i’m feeling now Genre: Synth Pop / Dance

Only 8 months after her third album Charli returns with possibly her most refined project of her career. Made during the first month of the stay at home order from the pandemic, how i’m feeling now is an album about isolation and loneliness. Equipped with her standard unique form of deconstructionist pop and electronic melding with a dash of 0 fucks given, the rushed nature is sort of a vernacular the tracks wear proudly on their sleeves. There’s a stripping of some of the plasticity making the raw emotions of the tracks stand out.

Proof: forever / enemy / i finally understand / anthems

15. Louis The Child - Here For Now Genre: Electronic / Synth Pop / Dance

After a couple EP’s and a speedy rise, the Chicago based Electronic duo Louis The Child release their debut full length album and flex a bit more diversity then we’ve previously seen from them. WIth a sound a bit more geared to expand their audience the group dables more in R&B, Hip Hop and pop then in their more electronic focused EP’s. This expansion is not a dilution at all though. Their unique melding of grooves in unorthodox way is on full display across this joyous album.

Proof: Nobody Like You (w/ Vera Blue) / Don’t Mind / Free (w/ Drew Love) / Fade Away

14. Jessie Ware - What’s Your Pleasure Genre: Pop / Dance / Soul

Needing a reset, UK’s Jessie Ware took a break from music to focus on her family and other forms of collaboration like her podcast Table Manners. Shortly after the birth of her second child, the itch came back but with a new outlook on life it was a different itch. Jessie has been one of the great sad song writers of the last 10 years, on What’s Your Pleasure? Jessie wanted to focus more on the positive love she has in her life and how she just wants to joyously dance in celebration of it. Using Disco as her muse Jessie makes a modern discoteca equipped the listener with alacrity and positivity while promoting they get up and get down. The timing of such an album was quite intuitive and brilliant by the singer. She started recording the album in 2019 but by the time it was ready to release was in the middle of a pandemic. Perfect timing for such a jubilant album.

Proof: Spotlight / Save A Kiss / Adore You / Mirage (Don’t Stop)

13. Buscabulla - Regresa Genre: Latin / Pop / Dance

When Latin synth pop duo Buscabulla returned home they did to a post-hurricane Maria Puerto Rico. After years in New York they were returning to a place they love but that was forced to change dramatically. The married couple came equipped with a new record deal and new found personal stability, but chose to surround themselves in the instability their friends and family were forced to live with after the natural disaster. Despite the chaos their music evokes hope, and joy. My limited and very broken knowledge of Spanish doesn’t give me much of an insight on the song meanings but the vibe of this whole album just gets me up off my butt and moving my feet and hips. The latin based rhythms with an Electronic pop influence makes this project quite an infectious and joyous romp.

Proof: Vàmono / El Aprieto / Mío / NTE

12. Purity Ring - WOMB Genre: Synth Pop

The third album from Canadian duo is a bit of a return to their darker and more brooding sound of their debut from the glossier and brighter sophomore album. Some of these descriptors may sound like a negative but trust me it is not. Now I seem to be in a minority that enjoyed the more electronic and pop focused sophomore album a bit more than their debut but it was still their debut that drew me in to them so this return is not met with any dismay from me. Always fascinated with the human body, WOMB is a coming of age album focusing on the weird things our body begins doing as we mature and how that affects us emotionally. It took them five years for this third album from another eternity but sometimes maturation just takes some time. 

Proof: pink lightning / i like the devil / vehemence / stardew

11. Run The Jewels - RTJ4 Genre: Hip Hop

The first track is quite an exhilarating indication that even though this is the fourth record from the duo Run The Jewels, they haven’t lost any of their vigor. Dropped early during the protests going on around the country for police violence, RTJ had impeccable timing for their best project to date. All RTJ albums are quite a whirlwind and this is no exception. Both artists have been in the industry for over 20 years, but their collaboration has brought them both to new heights of notoriety for each of them. With this new stature nothing has changed in their music though, they still want to provide you music to party to and music to revolt to.

Proof: yankee and the brave (ep. 4) / JU$T (Feat. Pharrell WIlliams & Zach de la Rocha) / the ground below / a few words from the firing squad (radiation)

10. Super Duper - HALLELUJAH! Genre: Electronic / Dance

The full length debut from Nashville producer Super Duper is quite an endorphin shot in the ear. I first found out about Super Duper seeing him open for Petit Biscuit a couple years ago without knowing anything about him. I enjoyed his use of electronic backdrops with reverb and echo to create space within it along with the cleaver voice samples and hard hitting drum patterns to inhabit said space. I immediately found his debut EP and eventually his follow up. When his EP Prelude came out earlier this year there was a noticeable uptick in the pop sensibilities in his sound. Sometimes this can be considered a negative but here it added another form of personality. His earlier albums were all expansive landscapes but the increase in pop singers and vocal samples adds a further human element for the listener to identify with as they explore these powerful backdrops.

Proof: We Had Everything / Quiver (Feat. Lonas) /  Feel Good (Feat. Bre Kennedy) / All On You / Religion (Feat. Bre Kennedy)

9. Joji - Nectar Genre: R&B / Pop

Japanese singer George Miller has come a long way from his jokester YouTube days to his sophomore album here. Beginning his career in entertainment as an online shock humor performer, Joji is known for being responsible for the “Harlem Shake” meme craze years ago. In 2017 Miller decided to focus on a legit music career dropping off his debut EP In Tongues that year. The EP was a good introduction but suffered a bit of consistency. The kinks were ironed out a bit for his debut album, Ballads 1 which had the gut wrenching “Slow Dancing In The Dark”. There still was a bit of consistency issues present though but those are all but fully worked out on this impressive sophomore effort. Creativity was never an issue for Joji’s music but needed to be channeled more in a cohesive direction across a whole project and it seems he is able to find that focus here. “Run” is up there with one of the most beautiful songs to come out this year. It is pretty impressive the growth Joji has made in four years and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Proof: Daylight (w/ Diplo) / Run / Sanctuary / Afterthought (Feat. BENEE) / Your Man

8. Shallou - Magical Thinking Genre: Electronic / Synth Pop / Future Bass

After a few lovely EP’s over the years, LA producer Shollou dropped off his melodic and ethereal debut full length. Shallou’s form of electronic music is very subdued and modest on the surface yet expansive and encompassing the deeper you venture as a listener. Where the music lacks in flash it does not lack in complexity, emotional depth and infectious melodies. Shollou created worlds of subtlety and sophistication, that double dips as easy listening sounds or music to immerse yourself and get lost in.

Proof: Forget / Mutual Love (w/ Zachary Knowles) / Silhouettes (Feat. Vancouver Sleep Clinic) / Older (w/ Daya) / Good Together (w/ Ashe)

7. The Weeknd - After Hours Genre: alt-R&B / neo-Soul

One of my favorite artists making music today (and one of the inspirations of me making this blog in the first place), The Toronto based singer Abel Tesfaye goes a bit back to his roots while still expanding his musical palette on his fourth full length record here. As the 2018 EP My Dear Melancholy, hinted to us, the neon lighting synth pop of his precious two records are taking more of a back seat for the dark and moody R&B melodies of his first record and mixtapes.The difference is his early mixtapes were a consistent mood but After Hours is a whole experience. Now as a more seasoned artist Abel is able to more effectively mold the atmosphere to his will. And take in previous explorations as well as new ones into his atmospheric sound seamlessly. “Blinding Lights” that would have fit perfectly on Star Boy or “In Your Eyes” equipped with some new jazzy saxophone yet neither standing out in the whole composition of the project show this dexterity off well. The former being possibly the most successful single of 2020.

Proof: Scared To Live / Heartless / Blinding Lights / In Your Eyes / After Hours

6. Jonah Mutono - GERG Genre: alt-R&B / Soul

London based Kenyan singer Jonah drops off a gorgeous debut album here. Jonah, who himself grew up in a very religious family, has been hiding his sexuality and this album addresses how that puts a strain on him and his relationships. GERG is a gripping expose as the singer comes to terms with his own needs and desires and brings to light them for the audience to see and feel. His voice is both commanding and soothing, mostly in a deep somber tone but can get up to some surprising heights when needed. His music sort of sounds like a cross between Kwabs and Frank Ocean. “The Low” which specifically is above loving someone in private from your family is maybe one of the most feels inducing songs of 2020. 

Proof: Shoulders / If You Mean It / The Low / Circulation / South Bank

5. Phantogram - Ceremony Genre: Synth Pop

Despite the chaos in the world that is defining 2020, the return of one of my favorite groups in music is about finding the love that will keep you positive and moving through it. It’s been a bit of a journey for the New York duo with some thrilling highs and heartbreaking woes. After the success of their 2009 debut album Eyelid Dreams. The group really took their time on their sophomore effort knowing this will more be what defines their direction and sound then the debut. After a couple EPs to hold fans over when 2014’s Voices dropped it was a triumphant release that pushed their notoriety in the indie pop world to great heights. The next year was a gifted creative experiment collaboration with Oukast’s Big Boi in the Big Grams EP, but later that year tragedy struck with lead singer Sarah Barthel’s sister committing suicide. Three was released in 2016 written and recorded during the morning of this death which led to a much more emotionally charged offering. For their fourth album they could have kept with the darker vernacular of its predecessor but after going through the healing process from their own heart break, Sarah and Josh wanted to instead offer a record of healing and hope to the world in a time we all need it. That doesn’t mean Ceremony is devoid of the impacting sentiments of before. Ceremony is still as much a personal record as Three, but looks more to the future with a hopeful viewpoint then the past looking record before it. A necessary step for anyone to take towards healing from a trauma and/or tragedy. Nothing shows this off more than the poignantly brilliant “Pedestal”, possibly the most passionate and emotionally intimate record of the group’s career, that never fails to leave me in goosebumps no matter how many times I listen.

Proof: Dear God / Into Happiness / In a Spiral / Pedestal / Let Me Down

4. Childish Gambino - 3.15.20 Genre: Hip Hop / R&B

For possibly his final album as Childish Gambino, Donald Glover left us an interesting crescendo of his musical career. 3.15.20 is a conglomerate of his previous albums wrapped up in a concise and cohesive, yet exploratory and eclectic album. The Boom Bap inspiration of CAMP, the spaced out futuristic wonder of Because The Internet, and the nostalgic and funk driven change up of Awaken My Love! are all represented here. The way the album meaders has been something critiqued of this record, but I find it’s part of it’s creative charm. Time being a theme of the album you feel the way time is a bit aimless as it just progresses, which leads to the moments you remember really sticking through. On your first listen you never know what time has in store for you on the upcoming track. Some may think this is peculiar and too subtle of a final statement, but I think it fits the artists perfectly. Donald can be in your face, but as his career in comedy and Television progressed he found his sweet spot at being subtle and rewarding those that pay attention to the margins.Who knows what is next for Donald’s career (he is halfway to an EGOT), but if this is the end of his musical journey I am very glad to be a witness of it.

Proof: Algorhythm / Time (Feat. Ariana Grande) / 19.10 / 42.26 / 47.48

3. Kacy Hill - Is It Selfish If We Talk About Me Again Genre: R&B / neo-Soul / Synth Pop

It has been quite a journey for the 26 year old singer to this point. After beginning a career in modeling at the age of 16, a venture that she sort of fell into and wasn’t something she was passionate about, Hill also began dabbling in music. While on tour with Kanye West as a backup dancer for the Yeezus Tour, Kanye heard a self released single of hers and immediately signed her to his G.O.O.D. Music label. This is around when she popped on my radar. After a 2015 EP and a 2017 Album, Kacy decided to leave the label which leads us to this self released sophomore album from the singer. It seems the roller coaster of the young singer’s career up to this point has given a clarity for Hill to create her most emotional gripping and cohesive project. Part of the strength of this album was working intimately with Francis and the Lights who is a producer on 6 of the 11 tracks and gives the project it’s common vernacular. Utilizing Francis’ Synth and bass heavy backdrops, Hill allows her sweet falsetto to hit some impassioned locations. There is a sort of yin and yang to her vulnerable lyrics and the darker cavernous production that give each track depth. Kacy is now in full control of her music and we see she is very capable with this role.

Proof: To Someone Else / Much Higher / Porsche / I Believe In You (Feat. Francis and the Lights) / Six

2. Kasbo - The Making of a Paracosm Genre: Electronic / Future Bass

It’s easy to get lost in the lavish and vibrant ecosystems of Swedish producer Kasbo’s immersive music. Kasbo’s debut album Places We Don’t Know was easily one of my favorite and most replayed albums of 2018. For the follow up. Kasbo ups the ante a bit with this lush and cinematic offering; each song is rich with so many layered melodies and bursting with gripping emotion. The coatings of pianos, synths and vocal samples are woven together with an orchestral composition. The tracks all have a form of deep breathes inward and explosive exhilations that lift the listener up in their swirling harmonies. Though the pieces all are vast and expansive they are both introspective and affectionately personal. Kasbo had a very tough time in between his debut and sophomore albums, with an undiagnosable bout of severe hearing loss. Once his hearing returned and he was able to continue where he left off on his music you can hear the sense of leaving it all out there in this project. He doesn’t know if the condition will return so he made sure to make this project one that conveys what he needed to convey; which despite that scary premonition is unbridled hope.

Proof: Play Pretend (Feat. Ourchives) / Blur / Lune (Feat. Vancouver Sleep Clinic) / Staying In Love (Feat. Nea) / Show You

1. Tame Impala - The Slow Rush Genre: Synth-Pop / Electronic

From the opening chopped up and synth-out vocal sample you realize this journey the multi-instrumentalist from Australia is about to take us on is one much different than his previous efforts. It took Kevin Parker 5 years to follow up his mega acclaimed third album Currents. The album pushed him to a new stature selling out large amphitheaters on his own and as a consistent festival headliner. The long wait and meteoric rise proved fruitful for this outwardly exuberant and extroverted yet simultaneously introspective and internal album. The Slow Rush is for anyone that connects with people who while socially at parties or clubs constantly feel hidden to the world. Those who both see the world moving around them at a fast pace yet still feel as if they are moving in slow motion.

Musically, The Slow Rush is a sonic fondue pot of many genres and timelines melted and stirred together. There’s both nostalgia and futuristic aspiration swirled in every track with footsteps in every decade from the 60’s to 2020. Imagine Hall & Oates, Pink Floyd and Daft Punk having a musical orgy while on acid. Despite the sheer vast amount of styles and genres being pressured into this album there is an uncanny level of sophistication by Kevin in this science experiment of an album. The project’s crescendo is the psychedelic thunder cloud of “It Might Be Time”. The track starts out airy, spacious and understated, slowly synth keys start jabbing in, yet still don’t ready you for the bombardment of 808’s, and symbol crashes of  the momentous chorus that hits you right in the gut and gets you on your feet. 

The Slow Rush is both an album you can put on at a party as well as chill alone and vibe out to. On the surface are the euphoric dance indications but a deeper inspection, should one wish to take on, finds the emotional and gripping crosscurrents that are interwoven throughout. If there’s levels of protection from past pain, and uncertainty for the future holding you back, well “it might be time to face it”.

Proof: One More Year / Borderline / Posthumous Forgiveness / Breathe Deeper / On Track / It Might Be Time

Others:

Good: Abir - HEAT, A Boogie wit da Hoodie - Artist 2.0, AceMo - I Want to Believe, AceMoMa - A New Dawn [HOA007], The Aces - Under My Influence, Action Bronson - Only For Dolphins, Active Child - In Another Life, Actress - Larama & Desire, Adrian Younge & Ali Shaheed Muhammad - Jazz Is Dead 001, Adrian Younge, Ali Shaheed Muhammad & Roy Area - JID002, Aesop Rock - Freedom Finger [Music from the Game], Aesop Rock - Spirit World Field Guild, A. G. Cook - Apple, Agnes Obel - Myopia, Alanis Morissette - Such Pretty Forks in the Road, Alaska Reid - Big Bunny, Alec Benjamin - These Two Windows, Alexandra Savior - The Archer, Allan Rayman - Christian, Alicia Keys - ALICIA, Allie X - Cape God, ALMA - Have You Seen Her?, Aloe Blacc - All Love Everything, Aminé - Limbo, Andrianne Lenker - songs, Andy Shauf - The Neon Skyline, Ángela Muñoz & Adrian Younge - Introspection, Angelica Vila - Deception Szn 1, Angel Olsen - Whole New Mess, Anna Burch - If You’re Dreaming, Another Sky - I Slept On The Floor, Ariana Grande - Positions, Armin van Buuren - Lost Tapes, A$AP Ferg - Floor Seats II, Astrid S - Leave It Behind, Atmosphere - Whenever, August Alsina - The Product III: stateofEMERGEncy, The Avalanches - We Will Always Love You, Ava Max - Heaven & Hell, AWOLNATION - Angel Miners & the Lightning Riders Baauer - PLANET’S MAD, Bad Bunny - LAS QUE NO IBAN A SALIR, Bassnector - All Colors, Baths - Pop Music / False B-Sides II, BENEE - Hey u x, Banoffee - Look at Us Now Dad, Beach Bunny - Honeymoon, beabadoobee - Fake It Flowers, Becca Mancari - The Greatest Part, Becca Stevens - Wonderbloom, Benny the Butcher - Burden of Proof, Best Coast - Always Tomorrow, Beyoncé - The Lion King: The Gift (Deluxe Edition), Big Sean - Detroit 2, Bishop Nehru - Nehruvian Tuesdays: Vol, 1, blackbear - everything means nothing, BLACKSTARKIDS - Whatever, Man, Black Thought - Streams of Thought, Vol. 3: Cane and Abel, Blu & Exile - Miles, Blxst - No Love Lost, Bombay Bicycle Club - Everything Else Has Gone Wrong, Bongeziwe Mabandla - iimini, Boniface - Boniface, Botany - End The Summer F(or)ever, boy pablo - Wachito Rico, Brandon - Coming Clean, Brandy - B7, Bree Runway - 2000AND4EVA [Mixtape], Brent Faiyaz - Fuck The World, Bryson Tiller - A N N I V E R S A R Y, Bryson Tiller - T R A P S O U L (Deluxe), Buddy & Kent Jamz - Janktape Vol. 1, Buju Banton - Upside Down 2020, Busta Rhymes - Extinction Level Event 2: The Wrath of God, Burna Boy - Twice As Tall Cam’ron - Purple Haze 2, Cassian - Laps, Caribou - Suddenly, Carly Rae Jepsen - Dedicated Side B, Car Seat Headrest - Making a Door Less Open, Chelsea Cutler - How To Be Human, Chloe x Halle - Ungodly Hour, Circa Waves - Sad Happy, Clap! Clap! - Liquid Portraits, Cleo Sol - Rose in the Dark, clipping. - Visions of Bodies Being Burned, Common - The Beautiful Revolution (Pt. 1), Com Truise - In Decay, Too, Conway the Machine - From King To A GOD, CRi - Juvenile, Cults - Host, Cut Copy - Freeze, Melt D Smoke - Bad Habits, DaBaby - BLAME IT ON BABY, DaBaby - My Brother’s Keeper (Long Live G), Daecolm - Figur£$, Dan Deacon - Mystic Familiar, Dave East - Karma 3 [Mixtape], Declan McKenna - Zeros, Dee-1 & Murs - He’s the Christian, I’m the Rapper, Dehd - Flower of Devotion, Delacey - Black Coffee, Delta Heavy - Only in Dreams (Remixes), Denzel Curry - UNLOCKED [Mixtape], Destroyer - How We Met, Diana Gordon - Wasted Youth, Diplo - Diplo Presents Thomas Wesley Chapter 1: Snake Oil, Diplo - MMXX, Dirty Projectors - 5EPs, dj poolboi - it’s good to hear your voice, DJ Snake - Carte Blanche (Deluxe), Drake - Dark Lane Demo Tapes, DRAMA - Dance Without Me, Dreamville - Revenge of the Dreamers III Echosmith - Lonely Generation, EDEN - no future, Ekali - A World Away, Ela Minus - acts of rebellion, ELIO - u and me, but mostly me, Ella Vos - Turbulence, Ellie Goulding - Brightest Blue, E.M.M.A. - Indigo Dream, Eric Bellinger - Eric B For President: Term 3, Eric Bellinger - Hor D’oeuvres, Ethan Gruska - En Garde, Everything Everything - RE-ANIMATOR, Everything Is Recorded - FRIDAY FOREVER, Example - Some Nights Last For Days Fana Hues - Hues, Felt (Murs & Slug) - Felt 4 U, FINNEAS - Blood Harmony (Deluxe), Fiona Apple - Fetch The Bolt Cutters, The Flaming Lips - American Head, Fleet Foxes - Shore, flora cash - Baby, It’s Okay, Four Tet - Sixteen Oceans, Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist - Alfredo, Free Nationals - Free Nationals, Future Islands - As Long As You Are, Future Utopia - 12 Questions Gabrielle Aplin - Dear Happy, Galantis - Church, PG-Eazy - Everything’s Strange Here, Gengahr - Sanctuary, Gil Scott-Heron & Makaya McCraven - We’re New Again: A Reimagine by Makaya McCraven, Glass Animals - Dreamland, Good Sad Happy Bad - Shade, Gorillaz - Song Machinem Season One: Strange Timez, GRACEY - The Art Of Closure, grandson - Death Of An Optimist, Gregory Porter - All Rise, GRiZ - Chasing The Golden Hour Pt. 3 [Mixtape], Grouplove - The Healer, GUM - Out In The World, Gus Dapperton - Orca, Guy Sebastian - T.R.U.T.H. Half Waif - The Caretaker, Haiku Hands - Haiku Hands, Hannah Georgas - All That Emotion, HAWA - the ONE, Hayley Williams - Petals for Armor, Henry Hall - Neato, Hinds - The Prettiest Curse, HMLTD - West of Eden, Hudson Mohawke - Airborne Lard, Hudson Mohawke - B.B.H.E., Hudson Mohawke - Poom Gems, Hurts - Faith Icarus - Unfold, Isaia Huron - Libbie J Balvin - Colores, Jacob Latimore - C3, Jacob Latimore - Leo Season, Jack Harlow - Thats What They All Say, Jadakiss - Ignatius, Jade Novah - Stages, Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit - Reunions, Jay Electronica - A Written Testimony, Jean Dawson - Pixel Bath, Jeezy - The Recession 2, Jeff Tweedy - Love Is The King, Jeremy Zucker - love is not dying, Jess Cornelius - Distance, Jessie Reyez - BEFORE LOVE CAME TO KILL US, Jhené Aiko - Chilombo, John Legend - Bigger Love, JoJo - good to know, J Lloyd - Kosmos, Jonah Yano - souvenir, Joyner Lucas - ADHD, JOYRYDE - Brave, Juice WRLD - Legends Never Die, Juicy J - THE HUSTLE CONTINUES, Junglepussy - JP4, Justin Bieber - Changes, Justine Skye - BARE WITH ME (The Album) Kaash Paige - Teenage Forever, Kacy Hill - Just Circling Back Here: Is It Selfish If I Talk About Me Again (Remixes), Kali Uchis - Sin Miedo (del Amor y Otris Demonios)∞, Kamaiyah - Got It Made, Katie Day - Mydata, Katie Gately - Loom, Katy Perry - Smile, K CAMP - Kiss 5, Keaton Henson - Monument, Kehlani - It Was Good Until It Wasn’t, Kevin Morby - Sundowner, Khushi - Strange Seasons, Khruangbin - Mordechai, Kiana Ledé - KIKI, Kid Cudi - Man On The Moon III: The Chosen, Kid Krow - Conan Gray, Kiesza - Crave, Kiiara - lil kiiwi, King Princess - Cheap Queen (Deluxe), Kllo - Maybe We Could, KLOUD - AUTONOMY, K. Michelle - All Monsters Are Human, Knxwledge - 1998, Kodaline - One Day at a Time, Kygo - Golden Hour, KYLE - See You When I am Famous!!!!!!!!!!!!, Kylie Minogue - DISCO Lane 8 - Brightest Lights, LANY - mama’s boy, LA Priest - GENE, La Roux - Supervision, Last Heroes - Finding Light, Laura Marling - Song For Our Daughter, Laura Veirs - My Echo, Lauv - ~how i’m feeling~,  Lecrae - Restoration, Lewis Del Mar - AUGUST, Lianne La Havas - Lianne La Havas, Lil Wayne - Funeral, Little Dragon - New Me, Same Us, Little Mix - Confetti, LL Cool J - Authentic, Logic - No Pressure, Long Beach Dub Allstars - Long Beach Dub Allstars, Lonr. - Land of Nothing Real, Louis Tomlinson - Walls, Loyal Lobos - Everlasting, Lucas & Steve - Letters to Remember, Luh Kel - L.O.V.E., Lucky Daye - Painted (Deluxe Edition), Luke James - to feel love/d Mac Miller - Circles, MAITA - Best Wishes, Major Lazer - Music Is The Weapon, Mala Rodriguez - MALA, Margo Price - That’s How Rumors Get Started, Marsh - Lailonie, Marsh - Lost in You, MAX - Colour Vision, Maya Hawke - Blush, Mayor Hawthorne - Rare Changes, Medasin - RIPPLS, Megan Thee Stallion - Good News, Megan Thee Stallion - Suga, Midwife - Forever, The Midnight - Monsters, Mija - Desert Trash, Miley Cyrus - Plastic Hearts, MisterWives - SUPERBLOOM, Mitch - Better For You, Moaning - Uneasy Laughter, Moses Sumner - græ, The Mountain Goats - Getting Into Knives, Mourning [A] BLKstar - The Cycle, Mura Masa - R.Y.C., mxmtoon - dawn/dusk Nada Surf - Never Not Together, Naeem - Startisha, Nap Eyes - Snapshot of a Beginner, Nappy Roots - 40RTY, Nas - King’s Disease, Nathaniel Rateliff - And It’s Still Alright, The Neighbourhood - Chip Chrome & The Mono-Tones, Neon Trees - I Can Feel You Forgetting, Netsky - Second Nature, NIKI - Moonchild, NNAMDÏ - BRAT, No Mana - Secret Level, Norah Jones - Pick Me Up off the Floor, Nothing - The Great Dismal, Nothing But Thieves - Moral Panic Ohmme - Fantasize Your Ghost, Oh Wonder - No One Else Can Wear The Crown, Okay Kaya - Watch This Liquid Pour Itself, Omar Apollo - Apolonio, Omarion - The Kinection, Omar S - You Want, Open Mike Eagle - Anime, Trauma and Divorce, Orion Sun - Hold Space For Me, The Overcoats - The Fight PARTYNEXTDOOR - PARTYMOBILE, PARTYNEXTDOOR - PARTYPACK, Passenger - Patchwork,  Perfume Genius - Set My Heart on Fire Immediately, Petit Biscuit - Parachute, Pet Shop Boys - Hotspot, Phoebe Bridgers - Punisher, Photay - Waking Hours, Pictish Trail - Thumb World, POLIÇA - When We Stay Alive, Popcaan - FIXTAPE, Poppy - I Disagree, Pop Smoke - Shoot for the Stars Aim for the Moon, Poolside - Low Season, Porches - Ricky Music, Post Animal - Forward Motion Godyssey, The Professionals (Madlib & Oh No) - The Professionals, Princess Nokia - Everything Is Beautiful, Princess Nokia - Everything Sucks, Public Enemy - What You Gonna Do When The Grid Goes Down?, Pure X - Pure X Quinn XCII - A Letter to My Younger Self, Queen Naija - missunderstood RAC - BOY, Ratboys - Printer’s Devil, Real Estate - The Main Thing, REASON - New Beginnings, Recondite - Dwell, Rhys Lewis - Things I Chose to Remember, Rina Sawayama - SAWAYAMA, Riz Ahmed - The Long Goodbye, RJD2 - The Fun Ones, Ro James - MANTIC, Royce da 5’9” - The Allegory, Russ - SHAKE THE SNOW GLOBE, Ryan Beatty - Dreaming of David Sad13 - Haunting Painting, SAINt JHN - While The World Was Burning [Mixtape], Sam Lee - Oh Wow, Sam Smith - Love Goes, San Fermin - The Cormorant I & II, Sasha Sloan - Only Child, SAULT - Untitled (Black Is), SAULT - Untitled (Rise), Savannah Ré - Opia, SAYGRACE - The Defining Moments of SAYGRACE: Girlhood, Fuckboys & Situationlists, Sea Wolf - Through A Dark Wood, Selena Gomez - Rare, Sérgio Mendez - In the Key of Joy, Sevdaliza - Shabrang, S.G. Goodman - Old Time Feeling, Shabazz Palaces - The Don of Diamond Dreams, Shamir - Shamir, Shoffy - Flash, Shopping - All or Nothing, Sleepy Hallow - Sleepy Hallow Presents: Sleepy For President, Slowly Slowly - Race Car Blues, Smashing Pumpkins - CYR, Smino - She Already Decided [Mixtape], Special Interest - The Passion Of, Soccer Mommy - Color Theory, Social Club Misfits - Feared by Hell, Songhoy Blues - Optimisme, Son Little - Aloha, Sorry - 925, Spacey Jane - Sunlight, Spencer Brown - Stream of Consciousness, Steve Aoki - Neon Future IV, Steve Spacek - House, Stormzy - Heavy Is The Head, STRFKR - Future Past Life, Sturgill Simpson - Cuttin’ Grass Vol. 1 (Butcher Shoppe Sessions), Sturgill SImpson - Cuttin’ Grass, Vol. 2 (Cowboy Arms Sessions), Sub Focus & Wilkinson - Portals, $uicideboy$ - Stop Staring at the Shadows, Surfaces - Horizons, Sweaton Klank - Good Days, Sweet Whirl - How Much Works, Swing Ting - 100 Dances, Symba - Don’t Run From R.A.P. TeaMarr - Before I Spill Myself, Tech N9ne - Enterfear, Tennis - Swimmer, Teno Afrika - Amapiano Selections, Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper, 9th Wonder & Kamasi Washington - Dinner Party, Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper, 9th Wonder & Kamasi Washington - Dinner Party: Dessert, Teyana Taylor - The Album, T.I. - The L.I.B.R.A., Tiana Major9 - Back At Sixes And Sevens, Tiësto - The London Sessions, Tink - Hopeless Romantic, Thao & The Get Down Stay Down - Temple, The-Dream - SXTPA, Theophilus London - Bebay, THEY. - The Amanda Tape, Thundercat - It Is What It Is, Thunder Jackson - Thunder Jackson, Tkay Maidza - Last Year Was Weird, Vol. 2, TOKiMONSTA - Oasis Nocturno, Tom Misch & Yussef Dayes - What Kinda Music,Toni Braxton - Spell My Name, TOPS - I Feel Alive, TORRES - Silver Tongue, Tory Lanez - The New Toronto 3, Trey Songz - Back Home, T.R.U. & 2 Chainz - No Face No Chase, Two Feet - Pink, Tycho - Simulcast, Ty Dolla $ign - Featuring Ty Dolla $ign Various Artists - Bad Boys For Life Soundtrack, Various Artists - Birds is Pray: The Album, Various Artists - Ophelia Presents: Advent Volume 1, Various Artists - Ophelia Presents: Advent Volume 2, Various Artists - Promising Young Woman (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack), Various Artists - REPRISE: A Roc Nation Album, Various Artists - Sable Valley Summer Vol. 1, Various Artists - The Turning (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack), Varsity - Fine Forever, Vic Mensa - V TAPE, Victoria Monét - JAGUAR, Vistas - Everything Changes in the End, Vundabar - Either Light, Vybz Kartel - To Tanesha Washed Out - Purple Noon, Waxahatchee - Saint Cloud, Whitney - Candid, William Black - Pages (The Remixes), WizKid - Made In Lagos, Wiz Khalifa - The Saga of Wiz Khalifa, Wolf Parade - Thin Mind Xavier Omär - if You Feel Yaeji - WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던, Yellow Claw - Never Dies, Yellow Days - A Day in a Yellow Beat, YG - My Life 5Hunnid, Yo Gotti - Untrapped, Youngr - Memories, Yumi Zouma - Truth or Consequences, Yves Tumor - Heaven To a Tortured Mind Zeds Dead - We Are Deadbeats (Vol. 4), Zeds Dead - We Are Deadbeats (Vol. 4 Deluxe) 070 Shake - Modus Vivendi, The 1975 - Notes On A Conditional Form, 2 Chainz - So Help Me God!, 5 Seconds of Summer - CALM

Meh: ARTHUR - Hair of the Dog, The Black Lips - Sing in a World That’s Falling Apart, Bring Me The Horizon - POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR, Bruno Major - To Let A Good Thing Die, Cuddle Magic - Bath, Don Toliver - Heaven Or Hell, Eminem - Music To Be Murdered By, Foogiano - Gutta Baby, Frances Quinlan - Likewise, French Montana - CB5, Future - High On Life, Future & Lil Uzi Vert - Pluto x Baby Pluto, iann dior - I’m Gone, Ichiko Aoba - Windswept Adan, IDLES - Ultra Mono, Jacob Collier - Djesse, Vol. 3, Jason Mraz - Look For The Good, Jaunt - All In One, Jaye Jayle - Prisyn, Lil Baby - My Turn, Lil Uzi Vert - Eternal Atake, Lil Uzi Vert - LUV vs. The World 2, Machine Gun Kelly - Tickets To My Downfall, Masiwei & Higher Brothers - Prince Charming, MHYSA - Navaeh, Nicolas Jaar - Cenizas, RARE Sound & K Camp - Rare Family, Rich The Kid - BOSS MAN, Rich The Kid & YoungBoy Never Broke Again - Nobody Safe, Rico Nasty - Nightmare Vacation, Social Club Misfits - MOOD // DOOM, WHIPPED CREAM - WHO IS WHIPPED CREAM?

[honeyjaez]

I just finished Me&7Men, wrapping up the last month of victon marathoning I have been doing since becoming an Alice.

I have so many feelings now that it’s over and I just kinda need to get them off my chest if that’s alright.

Also I’m listening to Seungsik’a cover songs as we speak so rip my emotional instability.

But here we go.

To say I love Victon is an understatement. I’ve never fallen for a group as wholesome and beautiful as Victon.

The 10 episode series, leading up to their debut , as well as the many series’ I watched about them after only cemented that idea.

Also, I’ve never been more upset and pissed at myself for waiting so long to get into a group before. They deadass have been around, breathing and making music since 2016 and I fucking waited until 2020 to learn about them?????? The fucking clownery man. 🤡

I’m trying to find the words to say what they mean to me without just saying “I fucking love them” over and over again but for someone who isn’t good at writing her feelings out, I wanna try.

Like do you guys all have that one group where you kinda saw on the sidelines of your favs but never paid much attention to them? And then you finally get into them and you are like “holy fuck this is my group. Why did I not get into them sooner?”

That’s me with Victon.

I’ve causally listened to Victon for a few years. I think my first title track I remember checking out was Time of Sorrow, and that was a causal one time listen, but on iTunes and sometimes listen to it. (I really liked remember me, but again, same sort of deal)

I knew about Seungwoo from PX101, but that was it. Nothing passed that. I thought to myself during X1’s debut that I would learn more about him but I never did.

I LOVED Nostalgic Night. Like that was such a good song! But again, never looked into them as a group.

In January I remember watching a video of Subin performing 7rings and again I thought “Hmm I should learn more about them” BUT GUESS WHAT. I NEVER DID.

I kept putting it off for some idiotic reason.

Maybe it was because the whole mess that was PX101. I truly felt bad for every member. I went through the sadness of Nu’est being separated and didn’t want to deal with another group like that idk.

But then X1 disbanded, and I was so distraught. I truly felt bad for every single member especially Seungwoo who was their leader.

I remember hearing rumors back in Time of Sorrow era that Victon was rumored to disband if they didn’t gain more fans. And also remember how Hanse said the only reason the remaining 6 members were able to stand together on a stage still was because of Byungchan and Seungwoo going on PX101. That alone sent my heart melting.

Hell. I spent nearly 80 minutes randomly one night after getting into them ranting to my friends about just how much I loved them.

Which is funny, because I’ve never once done that before, for any of my groups including Seventeen and Stray Kids. Like....there are some groups you get whipped for because they are cute/ energetic/ can do awesome things and that’s amazing!

But there are also those groups you connect with on an emotional level. They may not be as exciting.... but god fucking damn. It’s only been a month and a half and I would drop half of the groups I already listen to for them if i had to pick one.

They have only worked so fucking hard for a life of their dreams. Those boys....they have struggled so fucking much. But they aren’t in it to be the best and most well known group.

They do it to make the world a better place with their music, and together even more so.

I just want to love them so much. I want to suppor them so much. I want nothing but their happiness and smiles until the end of time.

Holy fuck like....the whippedness is bad.

The video, back when it was just the 6 of them and Seungwoo was still prompting with X1, he left them a message at their concert.

IMMEDIATELY they broke down in tears as the left him messages. Mind you, this might have been my fifth video ever of victon?

Still, for it being so early on in my victon relationship I still balled like a baby. Because you could see in this single video just how much Seungwoo meant to them.

Dude...fucking Sejun’s broke me.

LIKE. THE FEELS.

AT this point I’ve already decided to sell my soul for them.

Suddenly, my heart can only think of them. The whole fucking video taught me that if nothing else, these men just want to stay together. As Seungsik calls them, they are his love and family.

Like I can’t fucking put it into words. But the love they all had for their leader was insane. A lot of kpop groups aren’t that close. A lot of other groups don’t love everyone as much as Victon loves eachother and holy shit.

They don’t care about charts.

They don’t care about being the best.

They just want to be together on stage.

Holy fucking shit. Like I’m now on this train till the end.

It’s not just their music that is beautiful, it’s their very exsistences, their very beings.

They make the world a better place. Not just because of their music, but because of themselves, because of their souls, because of their hearts. The world is indeed a better place because Han Seungwoo, Kang Seungsik, Heo Chan, Lim Sejun, Do Hanse, Choi Byungchan, and Jung Subin live on it.

Everything about them is like a ray of light in this shitty ass place. Not to mention they are funny as fuck.

This probably made no fucking sense because I ramble but just know that I would do anything for them.

They have my heart in every sense of the word.

K byeeeeeee

[ddaengyoonmin]

Genre: angst 😭 (I wanna say very light smut? Like it’s barely? It’s kissing and being all pressed together ya know? Anyways that’s that lol)

Warnings: marijuana smoking, it’s sad :(( ,

A/n: I specifically used a real location I had in mind. There was a place on the Oregon coast I used to visit with my family when I lived there and I’ve been feeling nostalgic for it lately.

Word count : 1.5k

————————

It wasn’t usually this sunny by the Oregon coast.  You were enjoying that part of this moment, observing the way that the rays hit Yoongi’s white blonde hair and light it up into a golden spectacle.  He brought one hand up to his lips, the joint that you’d been sharing between his fingers.  

If only there was more time…

Despite the day being blessed by the sun it was still slightly chilly, your short jean shorts and thin zip up hood weren’t quite the best defence against the bite of the strong winds that just started to pick up.  

But the sun still fell so beautifully on his face.  He closed his eyes and exhaled the hit, staring up to the sky and letting the sun light up even more of his features, painting his face into a glowing golden canvas. 

“You gonna share?” You chuckled, nudging him with your shoulder.  The two of you sat on the hood of Yoongi’s car, staring down at the beach, it would be a bit of a walk down, but it was always a tradition to spend Yoongi’s last day here, celebrating with some smoke and writing your names in the sand. 

You’d been doing it since the first summer before the two of you left for college.  You’d ended up at different colleges and knew it was best to call things off and stay friends, you were better as friends anyways.  Or so you’d had to convince yourself. 

You sighed and snapped your fingers impatiently at Yoongi.  

He chuckled and passed the joint over to you. 

“Almost ready to head down to the beach?” you asked as you brought the joint to your own lips. 

This was the last summer.  You were seniors this upcoming year, and he was a music producer a damn good one with offers ready to take him places, this would be the last trip to the coast with him.  The last time watching that goofy wide smile grin at you as you struggle to get off of his car.   

The last time he’d rush to your side and steady your hips with his hands. 

The last time that his touch would drive you so crazy that you couldn’t help but give in and pull him into you, his hips pressed against you and his eyes looking you over with a sad expression.  You didn’t blame him for being sad, you were too.  Yoongi took the joint from between your lips and put it between his own, the two of you remaining silent as he pressed you against the passenger side door of his car. 

You put an index finger from each hand into a belt loop on his jeans and tried your best to pull him even closer into you.  It was a pointless effort though, he was as close as he could be. So why did you feel like he was so far away?

Yoongi breathed a large hit in and leaned forward, giving his head a small quick tilt up.  It was a motion you’d recognized from knowing him well that he was asking you to open your mouth and let him shotgun the hit into your mouth. 

You listened all too easily.  How could you ever say no to him.  

Your lips parted and quivered just slightly in anticipation for him coming closer. 

His eyes grew heavier as he leaned in and brought his lips to where there were brushing lightly against your own. 

He started to exhale the smoke he’d been holding in his mouth slowly and gently as his hand not holding the joint started to slowly make its way to the back of your head, his fingers gently moving to tangle themselves in your hair. 

You inhaled the smoke and closed your eyes as you tried not to think about all the lasts, and if this was one of them. 

After you’d held the hit in for a moment and released it, Yoongi finally let his lips fully fall onto yours.  He moved against you as if he was savoring the moment, and trying to make it the best one yet.  You knew the feeling.  You wanted the same. 

You pulled back from the kiss, a small tear starting to form in your lower lid, making its way to your lashes. 

“Yoongi I-” you choked on your words, not even sure what you wanted to say. 

Yoongi put his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. 

“You’ll find someone.  Someone who can always be there for you.  As much as I wish that person could be me, it just can’t.” His voice was shaky and you could tell he was carrying his own weight with all the lasts piling up today. 

“I don’t wanna let you go Yoongi.  I’m not ready yet.” You felt your body starting to lurch forward with a sob that escaped your lips. 

He bit down on his lower lip and it seemed he was fighting back his own tears. 

Yoongi stepped back away from you and you let go of your grip on him.  

He was staring out at the ocean, pulling the joint to his lips once again and choking on his hit, coughing hard a few times before he yelled out a ‘Fuck!’ towards the beautiful nothingness in front of the two of you. 

His back was turned to you but you nodded in agreement as you wiped your tears from your eyes and walked towards him. 

“Here’s to life.  May it give us both everything we’ve been searching for.” Yoongi faked a small smile and held the joint out to you. 

You stood side by side with him and linked your arm with his.  The sun was starting to set on the Pacific and the waves were catching fire with the bright orange now laying down across the peaceful waves, it might not be the last time you’d see that but it would be your last time with Yoongi. 

‘Everything we’ve been searching for.’ 

You took the joint and breathed in deeply, the glowing red tip matching the sunset in front of you.  

Here's to Yoongi finding everything he’s been searching for.  You hoped with everything in your being that he’d find it. 

You didn’t have high hopes for yourself though. 

No, you felt more like you were losing everything you had thought you’d found.  

It’s just that you’d figured out all too late it was what you’d been looking for, and by that point Yoongi’s junior internship had already spun into companies wanting to drag him left and right across the world. 

You’d be here though, and you knew that.  You weren’t leaving this place, and he knew that.  

Which is why it could never work.  

“You’re too beautiful of a creature to keep in a cage.” you mumbled. 

Yoongi turned to you and raised an eyebrow. 

“Are we reaching our limit? Am I gonna have to cut you off?” Yoongi reached for the joint. 

You let him take it but you chuckled and shook your head. 

“No, no. I just…” You pursed your lips and looked him over once again.  His ability to absorb the color of his surroundings and just let it hit his skin in such a beautiful way, will be a sight you will forever miss.  His hair now a reddening color as the sun made its final movements down past the horizon.  You’d had him once, but you set him free, and you knew if you held him down again that he wouldn’t get all those dreams that he’d been chasing his whole life.  

You sighed. Shaking your head. “Never mind.” You leaned forward to give his lips a soft peck, but he held you there for a bit longer, a soft ‘mmmn’ vibrated against you. 

“I loved you, you know?” Yoongi whispered as he pulled back. 

You bit down on your lip and sighed, nodding.  

“I still do love you Yoongi.” 

“I’ll write a song about you.” His lips curled up slightly, his hand reached for yours and he drew small circles on the back with his thumb. 

“Oh? And what are you gonna call it?” You giggled. 

“Hmmm.  I’m not quite sure, but you’ll know it when you hear it.” He now grinned widely. “It’ll be something about this.” He stepped back and motioned to the whole scene before the two of you. “Hopeful not about how stupid I was to let go of you.” He mumbled that last part. 

“It’s not stupid.” You shook your head, trying your best to put on a face to reassure him he was doing the right thing.  

“To the beach?” 

You nodded slowly.  Ready to take in some more lasts.  Not ready to let go of him. 

But, you’d keep your eye out for that song.  You were sure you’d see it, because you were making the right call, Yoongi was going places. 

He intertwined his fingers with yours for what might be the last time.  

You’d savor it, this moment, and the next. 

“Goodbye Yoongi.” You whispered. 

“You don’t need to say it yet?” he chuckled “We’ve got hours still.” 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to say it then.” you responded in the same whisper. 

He nodded, “Yeah…” 

Yoongi kissed you on top of your head, holding his lips there for a few long moments. 

“Goodbye y/n.”

[winniethepooh11062003]

03:30 am

Woke up, and the first thing that I think about is you. There’s a lot of things I’m going to write here, and I think I want you to read them all. One by one.

It’s 3:30 in the morning, Wednesday. I don’t want to come to school today. You made coming to school such a joy. For real. I used to look forward to our conversations and laughs. Wow slut, I really really miss those days.

And I’ve been listening to music you like, and right now, I’m listening to those songs I showed you during Impact. That was the first time we’ve ever had actual contact, and I remember every detail in clear detail.

I cried myself to sleep last night. As a matter of fact, I cried a lot yesterday. Tried studying, working out, eating, everything possible, couldn’t take my mind off you. I know an apology was long overdue. But I’m sorry. I really am.

Slut, there’s a lot I’ve been thinking these few days. And they’ve all got you in it.

Suffocated, lost; these are words that only partially describe how I feel when my best friend doesn’t talk to me and doesn’t even look me in the eye anymore. You know that feeling when you realise something major is missing from your life? I’ve that feeling right now, and a lot of it.

Slut, seriously, think about this, when I tell you that you’re my best friend and the best one I’ve ever had, and I’d hold on to you for dear life, I’m not lying. I don’t think I’d lie about those things. I just feel the same.

Slut, I don’t remember if I called you a bad influence, but it’s stupid. If anyone is a bad influence, it’s me. I taught you cuss words, deep throat nonsense and whatnot, and I’ve been so abusive and difficult. I wish someone would just punch me in the face something, break all my 28 teeth.

Slut, what are you doing now? Sleeping? Okay slut, I can see you in my head now. Eyes welling up. Been up like a maniac since 3. First thing on my mind is you.

Also, slut, when I said I might switch on you in college, that’s bullshit. I said that cause of a fucked up ego, that I’ve consciously worked to change out. I think I’ve got a little more mature now, I’m not lying; I really see change.

Slut, come here with your cycle. I wanna talk to you in the dark. And watch the sun come up. I’m sad we don’t do that anymore. Also, I saw your mouth today. So cute. You look younger. Like the pictures you sent me.

You’ve lost a lot of weight, and your jawline is so good. I’ve done the opposite.

Also, slut, if you recall, I said I wanted to make a million memories with you. I still want to. So badly. Slut I’m convinced that you’re the best. There’s enough evidence and more than that. It hurtssssss. Slut I can’t stand that you won’t see my face.

I don’t know slut, how hard was it? Because I would fail if I took on this mission to ignore you. Slut, I know I’ve hurt you really bad this time, because you’re still mad at me.

I’ve bought you a book, and I want to give it to you sometime. It’s a Jhumpa Lahiri book. I just wanted to introduce you to a new type of person.

I’m shivering now. I’m terrified. What if you never talk to me ever again? What if we can never have the chance to make memories again? When you told me you’d pick me over K, I was devastated. I really didn’t think you liked me that much. But I can say without a doubt, that I’d choose you over anyone else for sure. No hesitation. That’s what you mean to me.

Slutttt, I miss you so much. Remember that drive? Slut, thinking about it makes me so nostalgic. Slut, can we go back in time? Like is it actually possible? Because I’d go back to that first day. Sliding that desk across the room. You looking at me and thinking I’m a clown. I’d give anything for you to just look at me again. And I’d relive those moments, make sure we’re fine.

Slutt, it’s really my fault. I’m not being sarcastic. And you’re not a bad influence, what can I say sluttttttt? What can I do to make things right? I suck. I don’t deserve you. God, I thank all these circumstances that got me closer to you. Every single factor. Slut, even before I’ve seen you, I’ve felt something for you. It’s that feeling when you know you’ve got to know someone so badly. Slut, I’m not letting my ego get between us ever again. So I just want you to talk to me. Please.

Boards are in a few months. After that, we won’t be in school again. Slut, what if you forget me after school? Slut, I don’t want you to go. I’m scared. I don’t want that to happen. Slut, we’re running out of time. I thought of talking to my mother and asking her to call your mother. But I didn’t want to force you to talk to me.

Slut I was the only person between us who was so possessive and jealous. I’ve noticed that quite often. But my ego never let me see it. Such a child slut.

I call you Ruj in my head, and slut everywhere else. Slut, you’re a permanent memory. You’ll always be someone I’ve got great admiration for. I hope you make it big, and well. Like I hope you get your pilot license, become the best designer to ever exist, and what not. I really hope you get ahead in life and become the best in your fields of interest.

Slut, I don’t want to feel hopeless. I just feel like I want some guarantee that we’d forget this and get together.

Ruj, we’ve been friends for so long, and I thought we had an understanding, and many fights along the way, but you drew the line here. No warnings, straight up just cut me out. I know there’s a limit to being a dick, and just because I’ve told you I’m a bad person, doesn’t give me the liberty to be such a cunt.

Ruj, I want to show you that I can change. That I can treat you the right way. I’d be glad if you gave me just one more chance.

17 years of existence. The best wishes I’ve ever got was on my 17th birthday. And I was actually sad the previous night, I thought everyone forgot me. And I wanted Arya to wish me🤮. Your wishes were way more than sufficient. My day was great when I read your email. Slut, I want to make you a promise, that I’ll think and act rationally, rather than being an impulsive and irritable dumbass.

So precious. I’m so ever eternally grateful you’ve been a part of my life, and I really wish you’re a part of my life until the end. Even after that. Slut, I know you might think I’m lying right now, but that isn’t true. These are my thoughts that I’m writing down. They come and go, so I thought of writing them down.

First day the school reopened, I came with hopes that you’d forgive me. But you were already so pissed off. Slut, I’m so sorry. Like I know it’s been my fault this entire time. I’m embarrassed, ashamed.

Slut, I’d choose you over my ego. And I’m serious. Slut, just one chance to make things right. One. And I’ll change my ways.

Slut I keep reading your email and crying. I remember when you said I made you cry when I ghosted you. I’m so sorry. I’m so damn sorry. Slut, do you even miss me one bit?

I don’t want to rip bandages off you. I don’t want to fucking switch on you. I want you. Just you is fine. My life is so fucking empty. I’m sorry. Slut, it makes sense now, what you were talking about in the email happened. You knew this whole time? That I was a dick? And that you’d get away for the better?

Slut, that email wa so passive aggressive it hurt. I felt bad when I read it, but I think that you wishing me in the first place was insanely nice. It’s not fine. What’s fine? No, me turning on you would be a violation of everything I hold dear to me.

I will never change my decision. Slut, I’ve understood your true value now. I mean, I’ve always known, but I just got ignorant in the middle.

Slut, I’m worried about the future. What if we live far away? What if you go to college somewhere else? I won’t get a new best friend and all. That’s for sure. It’s you or no one else. I decided to never get a best friend ever again if it wasn’t you. Slut, I’m asking for nothing else but your forgiveness. I’d be more than happy if you gave it some thought and told me if you want to talk to me. I’m so sorry. I could apologize a million times. But I just want you to know how sorry I am. And what you mean to me. Slut, if you don’t take the book tomorrow or the day after, I’m going to be so hurt. But I deserve to be.

You gave me all your passwords. Wow. Still can’t get over that. I wish I’d shared all of mine too. Life is so empty. My words can’t even describe what’s in my head. Slut, sorry. Mannichiko, ennaku theriyum nee kovamma irruka. If you came back though, I promise, I’ll be an actual best friend to you. Not that I wasn’t this whole time, I’ll treat you like the gem that you are.

I’m glad that our parents know each other. Like there’s a lot in common between us. Slut. Epdi irruka? No really, how are you? I haven’t been able to get through for the longest time. I want to know how you’re doing. Please let me know.

Wow, it’s been an hour.

Slut. I’m sorry for being an abusive and a stupid friend. I swear I’ve changed now, and I want you to look at the new me. Sorry for stealing your peace and fun, and I hope I’m not some kind of parasite. I loved each and every thing we’ve ever done.

Slut, it’s quite true, I started fighting with you most of the time. And I think I’ll cut down, not stop. If you gave me a chance. I love calling you names. Vivek, Khat, Ruj, Slut, Rujithaw, and whatnot. I loved it all. I still love it.

Also, I thought of bringing this up a long long time ago. You see, I tell you to listen to music and watch things etc. but you rarely ever suggest things. Midnight Sky, What Are The Odds are just a few things, and why do you assume I won’t like them? Midnight Sky is really good, and I think I don’t even have to talk about WATO. I loved it. Slut, I know this feeling. This feeling of emptiness, and I think the dead morning vibe adds to it. Slut I miss you. And I pray and hope that you come back.

Stud really loves and misses you. And so does Dobby. Dobby doesn’t lie about that.

Good morning slut, I hope you have an awesome day today. And I miss you, love you, and wish I could make things right. Bye for now.

[darklymelanatedstories]

Dance with my mother (ft Trunks)

"What do you mean you can't?!",father shouted, his fist clenched with her necklace in it.

"I'm so sorry but I can't. It's against the Grand Priest's orders.",Shenron said, he looked truly sorry that he couldn't do anything. Grand Priest forbid the Dragonballs from bringing someone back to life until all the Super Dragonballs were found. Sounded pretty suspicious to me. But what did I know. I was a kid.

"Damnit Shenron!!" My father slammed his fist onto the ground, breaking half of the lookout in the process. He held back otherwise it would've been obliterated.

He couldn't hold it back anymore. He broke into tears. I ran over to him, tears also running down my cheek, and for the first time in forever, I embraced him. At first he pushed me away but I guess he needed a reminder of her so he pulled me back. We were on our knees crying. Fxck Saiyan pride. It didn't matter.

He didn't care about his pride at that moment, he didn't care that everyone saw him at his most vulnerable. What he cared for most was gone. My mother was gone. And she wasn't coming back.

~

It's been 4 years since the incident and to be honest we still weren't coping but we survived.

To be honest I think the only real reason we tried to keep it together was because of Bulla. My spoilt, little sis. Daddy's princess. I remember how I was disappointed when I found out I was getting a sister but now seeing her blue hair, pretty eyes and fascination with my mothers old tools, it just reminded me of mom. She was a little version of my mom. Stubborn, beautiful and smart...even for a baby.

I was babysitting my little sis and she ran off somewhere when I wasn't looking.

"Not again." I sighed.

I went around our large house to look for her and finally reached my parents old room. Father doesn't sleep there anymore. Too many memories that it hurt him to wake up with my mother not next to him.

I quietly entered and found the little troublemaker playing with my mothers old CDs. I quickly grabbed them before she could damage them. Big mistake.

She burst out crying and I didn't know how to calm her this time. So in panic of getting a huge scolding and maybe a "discipline" from my father, I quickly put it in her CD player and played it. On it came one of her favourite old songs by this one artist. Luther I think. Luther Vandross, Nothing better than love.

Even though she's ahead of the times, my mom found nothing more enjoyable and nostalgic than playing an old song her parents listened to when they were teens.

Immediately Bulla calmed down as she listened to the music. I lifted her up and started swaying to the beat. Usually I would hate listening to this but I felt connected to my mom when I did. It reminded me of the times we'd dance together.

When I'd dance with her. How I'd love to dance with my mother.

All the memories came flooding back. When my mom's favourite song would play and she get us to dance, and force my dad to as well, though I could tell he enjoyed it.

Family bonding, she'd call it.

I danced with little Bulla in my arms. She smiled and giggled which warmed my heart a bit. Dang, I become such a softie when I'm around her.

Unfortunately our moment was ruined when an angered force entered. Father.

The music stopped and my heart sank.

"What are you doing?",he asked angrily.

"I–I was just, Bulla got–"

He held the disc in his hand and I could see and those emotions he bottled up were ready to be set free.

"Get out!",he yelled, startling Bulla. The poor thing started sobbing which broke my father's heart. His eyes told me.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. It's just–"

"It's okay, dad. We'll leave.",I said as I headed to the door trying to calm Bulla. "Come on sis, let's go watch SpongeBob."

The mere mention of his name perked her up.

I heard my dad sigh and the door shut. I turned around but he was nowhere to be seen.

"He finally went into the room."

~

As Bulla and I were watching her favourite ridiculous show, I heard something. Something breaking.

I put her down on the carpet and ran towards my mother's room. I listened outside the door.

It reminded of the days I would do so when he locked himself in there. When he was tired of being vulnerable in front of people and just needed to be alone to let out his sadness.

I heard something else break.

No.

I kicked the door down and lunged myself at him to stop him from destroying a framed picture of our family on vacation. My mother looked especially beautiful, like always. I grabbed the picture from him.

"Stop!",I yelled.

My father's eyes were red and a bit puffy but I tried to ignore that. He bared his teeth in anger.

"Boy!!" He raised his hand and I shut my eyes preparing for impact. He's never been violent with me before, it's the first he's even raised a finger at me. I guess he finally broke. And you know what? I was gonna take it.

He brought down his hand and muttered an apology before leaving.

I looked at the picture frame in my hand and realised I crushed it by accident. Tiny shards of glass fell onto the floor in slow motion. The picture was still okay. That what mattered.

If I could get another chance, another step, another dance with her. I'd play a song that would never end.

"How I'd love to dance with you again, mom."

~

I just put my lil'sis to bed and my father was nowhere to be seen. I understood his pain. There's a reason Saiyans were raised with little love and emotion.

I went to my room early. Today was too much. My emotions were killing me. And I was only 12. Where have the years gone?

I played the CD I saved, in my room and shut the door.

I let myself fall onto the bed and listened to another song by Luther Vandross. Dance with my father.

The title and song needed tweaking for me.

I decided to rest my eyes a bit and enjoy the music.

~

I opened my eyes to another familiar setting. The lookout. Shenron was in front of me with the grand priest.

I was on my knees, tears in my eyes. Next to the Grand Priest was my mother. My dear mother. I tried to stand and grab her but it was as if I was stuck to the ground.

"Why are you here child?",the Grand Priest asked.

"I want–I need my mother back. Please!",I begged. "Me, my father, Bulla. We need her. Our family isn't the same with my mother."

"I'm afraid I can't do that. For you see–"

"I know, damnit!!!",I shouted.

"My, my, what a feisty child.",Grand Priest said. "Just like your mother."

"I'm not asking for much." Tears started flowing to my eyes. "Could you just bring back the only woman he ever loved? Please. Dear Lord he's dying...to dance with my mother again."

The grand Priest tilted his head and tapped his chin.

"Hmm.",he hummed. "No."

My sadness turned to anger. I turned Super Saiyan as I tried to attack him but I was stuck. "Damn you!!"

"If I could get one final step, one final walk, one final dance with her...",I whispered. But a miracle happened. He heard me.

"Very well then."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What? Really?! But–"

Before I could continue, I heard my mother's voice as she ran over to me. And as if the weight of what was holding me down was lifted, I got up and ran towards her. She hugged me and I felt compelled to keep her in my arms.

"I'd play a song that would never ever end." I looked my mom I'm the eyes. "Because I'd love to dance with my mother again."

She wiped a tear from my cheeks, her eyes starting to water. "Don't cry mom.",I whispered. I was so happy. She was here again.

As if on cue the music started playing. Yep you guessed it. Luther Vandross. I felt a bit obsessed with him.

I started dancing with my mom enjoying every moment until I felt an arm on my shoulder. I looked back to see my father with Bulla in his arms. I took Bulla in my arms and watched as my parents danced together. Like the good old days.

I hoped this song would never end.

Thing is...

It did.

Once it did, everything went dark. My mother vanished and my father turned to dust. I reached for my sister but the closer I got, the further she did.

I let out a scream and before I knew it...

~

I woke up. It was a dream. The same yet different. The songs never did play forever. Which was weird because this time I put it on repeat. I sat up and went to check on the CD. It was gone.

"He needs it more than me."

I went back to bed and thought about my dream. We were happy, after so long. But it never lasts. It never did.

Everytime I fall asleep, this is all I ever dream.