#fayrsonalPost

[untoldfayrietales]

My mom would always remind me to take things lightly, take life seriously but always be happy despite the bad things that had or might happen. She will always remind me to smile and do not overthink things and dont let negativity eat you alive. As for me, it never happened. Not that she lacks anything nor I’m too stubborn to think that way but it is not how I often feel nor respond to certain things. One thing I don’t usually open up to many is that I am always sad. I am a sad person. I am never angry, I am okay. I am good and fine (physically). I am contented, however I am sad. Does this make sense? I dont know either but it really goes this way. Most of the time, I have reasons, but there are also times where it’ll just “hit” you and bam! You’re sad.

I usually blame my hormones. I usually say it’s me and my moodswings. I cost a lot of casualties on my relationships. Often people misunderstand me and get mad at me, or they regard me as a snobbish person. Instead of being sad, I project myself as a snobbish, strong, hard person where the thing is, I am really soft and sensitive inside. I show alot of emotions.  The thing about this post is with me, being sad all the freaking time, I mastered on handling (I guess) and welcoming sadness once it knocks. I let it come in because it will eventually leave (unlike being denial and not letting it in to protect yourself.-- I personally dont get to grow with the denial option). I greatly welcome sadness to the point that it is not a negative word for me now. I personally believe that even when you’re tired and sad, you’re still the person who was and will be. You’re still you. It wont make you any less. Take note, this might sound that I’m romanticizing the sadness emotion but I would like to express that being sad is not bad at all. I just hope this wouldnt make you toxic.  I am sad, can be anxious at times, but I’m not on the depressed level and if ever I get to describe myself that way, excuse for those who’re suffering with the illness for I dont intend to underestimate. I am always sad but I also get to be happy... I laugh and I smile most of the time but that’s that.  Anyway, going back, Since I am sad all the time, I learned brushing away the little (sad) things so that I dont get to entertain ((more)) the sadness in me. When things pile up, I cry. I let myself feel it. I welcome it on the way I welcome happiness. I get sad when I’m too happy or whenever I laugh because I know it wouldnt last for long. I am sad and I am afraid of being sad. Sound confusing and crazy, right? I dont know, maybe I became someone I’m afraid of. Nasanay na akong malungkot na kapag nalulungkot ako, balewala nalang para sakin. Because Im used to it, it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt but, it hurts, twice or thrice for I know I can prevent it from happening, yet Im experiencing it again. Because I’m used being sad doesnt mean I get sad less. Well, maybe for me, I just knew how to respond after feeling it. It may seems okay for me or it might take me for a while but that’s that. We all have our coping mechanisms, our own stress relievers, our responses and such.

The art of being sad? We all get sad from time to time. Most people mask their sadness to survive the day and avoid queries on how they’re feeling. Maybe because they cant feel the genuine care to those who are asking. It is weird how people care for you more whenever you got that negative emotion, right? It’s weird how people becomes sensitive and selfless when negative emotions come in. It is where you can see how people becomes selfish when positive tings are around. I guess even if it is a negative take, it is something necessary for me, or for everyone to feel. Typing this just now makes me calm. I had issues the past weeks--- relationship issues and broken trusts, anxiety attacks regarding my plans, overwhelming socialization and gatherings, being intimidated with other people’s lifestyle and opportunities. I kept on telling myself that it is okay, that the Lord has plans perfectly fitted for me. I am trying to cope up with life, as well as with my Spiritual health. However my emotions are so full. This has been hard for me as well, yet most people I open up have the same responses that i’ll soon be okay and that they’re fond of me coping up and took “heavy” things lightly. As what I’ve said, It has been hard for me, yet I managed to look okay for the sake as well as because people worry about their response(s) t me rather than just plainly listen and understand me. Most of the dear people to me have also their emotional issues and I cant be a friend for them for I am  not on my 100% too.  just hope negativity ends for them. Atleast for them because I know I can still manage on my own ( I mean I have the Lord in me so I am far okay with it. Im absolutely okay with it). I keep on trying. I keep on praying. I keep His words and promises. I am sad but I am more calm than before.  I dont know if it is possible to be joyful and sad at the same time but that’s usually how I feel. That’s usually how I am now (despite the heartaches).

[untoldfayrietales]

so where will I begin?

One question that can be asked to a lot of aspects in my life right now.  

Where will I begin in writing this post?

I honestly just wanted to type and talk about certain things or whatever that pops in my head now, I just want to post something. I know what I want but at the same time I still dont have a concrete idea on how I will start this post. Many things have been happening since I was gone (On hiatus) in tumblr. I was scrolling on my page to see where did I stop and what have happen to me. I admire Anagel’s consistency in keeping her page and Trisha inspired me to get back after meeting her personally.  DISCLAIMER: This may look very personal but there are still certain things I cant talk about and cant share publicly. HAHA Chika tayo somewhere personal so I can talk to you about it. I dont have any control on who may visit my page so yeah. 

Where will I begin in my life right now?

Hey, just a quick kwento, I became busy when our major subject courses started from the exhibit, ojt, and thesis. Soon, I will give out detail story about these but for the meantime, I am typing now recalling my life in College cos I finally graduated on my degree. I honestly wanted to graduate on time and have planned my life after College but circumstances and God's will didn't allow it to happen, instead, I received much more blessing that also matters for a long run. Life after college is clueless and the world becomes wider. Challenges and Responsibilities meet halfway. You'd always feel that you already know everything you needed to learn, but surprise!!! This is just the start. You get the urge to try this and that, go here and there, and you started to try and discover new things with yourself. You also get to face your consequences by yourself. Everything seems first time and new to you. That is all how I felt and experienced when graduation sunk in. I may be different with yours or maybe similar but I know one thing for sure is the "lost" feeling we usually feel. It may be career related or in any other aspect of your life.

Where will I begin with regards to new people I am meeting?

Will I say the greeting first or will I wave or will I immediately hug a person? for the past 5 months after I finish my college requirements,(or even during haha) I’ve met different and I may say quite alot of people. Most of them are mutuals and some are completely random strangers.  I always remember my mentors saying “build bridges and good relationships with people, have a good connection with them and it will keep you moving in this industry.” But yknow, if you happen to know me personally, I am a socially picky person and an ambivert---extreme one I guess. When introversion hits me, I really distance myself, and vise versa with extroversion. And when im in the “ mood” of extroversion, it is where I gain friends. I may also seem mataray or be dominating at first and it all leads to hesitation and ending up with myself rather than “socializing”. I am also in the situation where I really dont wanna welcome people anymore. I may be hurt with all those dearly people leaving along the way (and YES it is clear to me that people come and go but yknow.. they were the ones who said who would understand and stay... but.. sht happens) I am already contented with the people I have now (I guess.. well, as for the moment) and if the Lord would allow me to have m own family, I would probably go with one of my closest guy friend HAHA OR I may say that I want my partner in life to be someone I already know by now cause I really dont wanna trust my life with someone I just knew for less than 8 years or something yeah anyway, I am also awkward so, goodluck with this kind of phase of meeting new people. 

TO CLEAR THINGS UP I dont mean to close my doors to new friendships and people, I was just talking about those friends who I consider as sisters/brothers or whatever you call it, close to my heart kind of friends. In fact, I would love to expand my circle but since I just got out of college and still feeling lost at the meantime, I dont know where to begin.

Where will I begin?

HERE. where I am exactly right now.  just realized while typing and re-reading this post, that I felt soooo lost, but hey! I just found myself. Thank you, Lord because I just realized that I could begin here. NOW. Because I chose to. And everything is a choice. Feeling lost too? Imma tell you something that I am sure about! Just trust God with His plans. I may have questioned Him but what is this mind compare to His will, right?