#farewell going to go wallow in depression forever now

[orcinus-veterinarius]

Got rejected from my first choice fourth year preceptorship 🥲

[naomi-lafleur]

A Series of Unfortunate Dates

A/N: School has been a pain in the butt lately. That’s my excuse for this fic. @viola-smithin We shall write that wonderful story one day ;) Mention of @aileen-hollingsworth @niara-aldaine @haidenschreave Sorry I changed the order of some messages bc I had the whole thing written and it’d take a lot of time to change all of it. 

Yeh sorry about Friday. We’ve been holding that in for weeks and we broke (just like how Naomi did)

I woke to the sound of water droplets gently tapping the window. I was taken aback when I encountered a tray full of needles beside my bed. Suddenly, a sharp pain struck my shoulder. Memories of guns and ukuleles started flooding back into my mind. My heart started beating faster and faster as I pieced all the information together. How long was I out for?

I heard a soft humming coming towards me. The door slightly cracked open for a moment and a nurse walked in. I stared at her as she swiftly strolled right past me. After a five second delay, she turned around in awe. “Lady Naomi! You’re finally awake! Everyone has been worried sick about you.” Before I had a chance to respond, she ran out the door, calling for a doctor. Turns out that I had been in a coma for a week after Felix brought me to the hospital wing.

I was bedridden for another few days after I woke up. My arm was feeling much better than it had previously. Another round of elimination had gone by so fast. I received the news that Niara, Adriana, and Delphi had been let go from Aileen, who was visiting. We screamed (of joy) at each other for what felt like hours after revealing her dirty secret. Smh why didn’t she tell me earlier?

That little carrot stick. At least one of us would be royal.

I got up early in the morning and hobbled to Niara’s room to say our farewells. It was quite an emotional morning. Eager for some fresh air, I headed to the roof with my sketchbook.

Finally some peace and quiet. I leaned against the ledge and started drawing the flock of birds in the sky

How am I still here? Hadn’t I already been rejected? … Don’t worry, Naomi. You still have a chance in this!

So, date ideas…. I could bring him up to the roof and watch the sunset. Bleh, too cheesy.

I had really been longing to leave the palace. Maybe go into town? Imagine all the people swarming around you guys for the whole day. Okay, scratch that idea.

I glanced up for a second and noticed a chickadee that landed right in front of me. It reminded me of home, which was just what I needed to cheer me up. After a while of thinking, I checked my watch.

Already 1PM? Maybe I could catch Haiden right now and have our date.

Luckily, I found him in the hallways just as I was heading to the kitchen. “Hey Haiden! Are you free at the moment?”

“Namoi Laflour. Of course I am. What’s up?“

“Well, I’m taking you to the beach today, so change into some comfy clothes and meet me by the door in 15 minutes,” I said confidently.

“Um, okay.” He got changed and met me downstairs a while later.

“It’s so weird not seeing you in a suit and tie.”

He shrugged. “Weird good or weird bad?”

“Definitely weird good.”

“Well, I’m flattered”

“I like the casual look. You should do it more often,” I said grinning. “Okay, we should head out now.”

“Okay, uh, so what gave you this idea?”

Ah, I see we’re back at the awkward phase.

“Well awhile ago, me and some of the selected were planning on running off to the beach, but we never got around to it and now all of them are gone. So I thought, who do I know that owes me a date and would enjoy a relaxing vacation?”

“I don’t know about enjoy, but I’ll do it.” He said with a laugh, as if he wasn’t being negative and ruining my spirit.

I sighed deeply, frustrated already, within the first few minutes of the date. “Do you have to do that? I just wanted to do something fun before you send me home because you obviously can’t stand me.”

“What, I… What?”

Come on.

“You just give off the feeling, Haiden.”

“That I can’t stand you? How’d I give off that feeling? Was keeping you here not a tell-tale sign that I like you?”

Well, you rejected me a while ago… I think that says a lot. Aren’t I still here because it couldn’t be the final two?

I glanced at the distance, doing anything I could to avoid his gaze “You just seem very… distant. I don’t know.”

“You should be more confident in yourself. No one could possibly hate you.” He said, like it sounded easy.

Be more confident, Naomi. Always be happy, Naomi. Do this, be that… What if I can’t? What if I’m already broken on the inside? What if I go insane one day? What if… I can’t take it one day and I do something I’ll regret?

Softly I replied. “Maybe not other people, but definitely myself.”

“Naomi…” he begins.

I gave a deep sigh, wiped the tear that was forming in my eye, and did what I was always raised to do. Apologize. “Sorry for ruining the mood… This may be our last date, so let’s just have a fun day at the beach, alright?”

In return, I got an awkward, wary look. “Works for me. Let’s go.”

See, Naomi? Haiden doesn’t care. He just wants The Selection to end and run off with Sophie. Leave you in the dirt, where you belong.

“Okay, off to the beach we go then.”

More awkward silence. Why did you ruin this? Can I just wallow in a hole? Is it too early to head off to my ranch with my army of Japanse Russian ninja cow children?

“So, uh… you come here often?”

“Well.. seeing as before this I’ve never been to Angeles, I’ve got to go with no, I don’t come here often.” I grinned.

“Yeah, that sounded like a cheesy pickup line. You’d think I’d be better at this by now”

“Yeah, I would think you’d at least have some grate pick up lines by now… Grate… Get it? Like a cheese grater? Haha I’m pretty bad at jokes, not going to lie.”

“You’re bad at jokes, I’m bad at pick-up lines. Guess we’re even”

“It’s the perfect match”

“Definitely”

We ended up heading off to the beach, making small conversation the entire way, like we had just met. Everything was painfully awkward.

“C'mon, let’s build a sandcastle,” I said, trying to distract myself from the hypnotic ocean. He agreed even though didn’t seem all that thrilled.

“God, it’s been forever since I was here”

“When’s the last time you came?”

“When I was little. I was never one for Sandy fun and salt water.”

“I don’t get to go to the beach often, living in Waverly.”

He shrugged.��“It’s overrated. I mean, who even enjoys sand? It’s course and rough and it gets everywhere.”

“You don’t seem to like anything. Not sand, not me, not even the water.”

“I never said I didn’t like you. I do like you.”

Nice joke.

“Do you like me enough?”

“Enough for what?”

“Just… Am I good enough for you?”

Haiden looked directly at my eyes and shook his head. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re not something that I can look at and give a grade or rating to. And whether or not I choose you isn’t a measure of your self-worth, Naomi. Remember, boys are trashbags.”

“You should be a counselor,” I said as I hugged him. 

“A trashbag counselor” 

“So, um… How is your family holding up?” I asked. Despite the depressing mood I still wanted to be a good friend and be there, after all his mother had just been brutally assassinated by his psycho ex girlfriend, and a girl once known as my friend.

“Well, we’re doing as well as can be, I guess.” He said, looking off, being distant again.

Such an interesting conversation.

After that we were quiet, sitting, soaking in the sad atmosphere we had created. It felt like I was drowning in sappy backstory.

The beach was surprisingly empty on such a nice day. I had to wonder if some calls were made to ensure safety or whatever, clear off the beach, just had it be us.

That would be so romantic if it weren’t because his mom had died.

I went out to where the waves were crashing against the beach, took my shoes off, hiked up my skirt a bit, and felt the cool water touch my feet. It felt so nice that I just wanted to be engulfed by the cold water, and be swept away with the current, but I knew if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to have my ranch, and I wasn’t about to give up all my life dreams to become an ocean goddess. I could stick to being a meme queen for now.

As I was standing in the water, feeling the waves crash over my ankles which were showing (so scandalous), Haiden joined me, and we had a sort of therapeutic experience of just letting our legs be soaked. It was oddly calming, I now understood why people found the ocean a nice place to clear your mind because as I stood there with my feet in the water, overlooking the horizon, I felt everything that seemed so confusing and difficult to understand fade away.

I must’ve stood there for at least half an hour before Haiden led me away, telling me my feet would fall off from the cold, I realized the ocean didn’t have the same effect on Haiden as it did me.

He thinks I’m crazy. Who am I kidding at this point? I am crazy. Everyone knows it, Naomi, you’re the weird girl again, just like back home. The weirdo obsessed with cows, or fire, or almonds. They’ll all leave you… One by one. Just like always. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. Why would he? You’re nothing but a freak and a crazy girl. You’re worthless. A piece of trash, waiting to be thrown out.

I tried to build up another sandcastle, and the outcome ended up looking like how I felt. A pile of lumpy sand thrown together, trying to look put together. Needless to say, it wasn’t cute.

I got so frustrated with my lack of ability to make a sandcastle that I smooshed it and insisted we just leave. Rage was filling my soul and I needed to be alone so I could get rid of it effectively, rather than squishing sand castles and punching something.

Haiden was able to call back the car and we left immediately. The beach date had been an utter disaster. My feet, still wet and sandy, pulled into the car and we drove off. I didn’t even bother trying to grab my shoes, they would be a nice present for whoever came to that beach next.

I was so angry that I just wanted to cry or react in some way to get that pushing feeling out of my chest.

Mila or Sophie would make a much better queen. Haiden actually likes them. You’re here out of pity. If Cressida hadn’t assassinated his mother, she would be here instead of you.

My head couldn’t seem to shut up, spouting insults at me like there was no tomorrow. There was a battle going on inside my one being. If Haiden had noticed this happening, he didn’t make any indication he knew.

The car pulled up to the palace and I felt a rush of relief knowing I would be able to burn something soon. Before I was able to get out of the car and start sprinting to my room, Haiden grabbed my hand.

“Are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself today.”

I laughed bitterly. “People can’t be happy all the time Haiden, you should know that better than anyone.” And with that I flung open the door, not bothering to wait for the chauffeur and made a b line for the front door.

How do I get to my room? How long have I been here, yet I still didn’t know how to make it to my own room. God Naomi, you’re pathetic. This is not the time to be clueless! You’re trying to make a dramatic exit and storm out of here.

I turned left once and then right twice and then I realized I was lost and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped where I was, in the middle of an empty hallway and sunk to the floor, crying. I couldn’t take it anymore. All the anger, all the depressing thoughts, and sadness I bottled up since coming to the palace… since papa died, spilled out of me all at once.

You aren’t good enough. You’re never good enough, you’ll never be. Why. WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? It’s your fault papa died and it’s your fault Queen Alize died. It’s all your fault! Why can’t you be normal? Why… must you exist?

Amidst my sobbing I hadn’t noticed footsteps coming closer to me.

“Naomi?” I heard the familiar voice say.

Oh God, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Could I lie my way out? I just got a letter saying my cat died. He probably won’t even know it’s a lie. I don’t even have a cat. Why would he bother knowing that about me?

“No, my name is Namoi. Naomi is busy at the moment. Y-You could leave a message.” I said, not trying to stop the tears from falling but rather trying to hide them.

“Is that so?” He said, amused with my antics.

“Yeah, actually I should probably go find her now. Nice seeing you again.” I said, trying to push past him before he stopped me in my tracks.

“Wait, just… just wait.” He said as if I had a choice of leaving while he was holding my arm.

“What?” I said begrudgingly. Why didn’t he understand I just wanted to be left alone. If he was allowed to deal with his issues alone, then so was I.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I said, tears still flowing down my face.

Aurora is going to be so angry that you ruined her nice makeup. Why do you ruin everything in your vicinity?

“Naomi.” He said sternly.

I broke. I was tired of trying to be the goody two shoes. I was tired of everyone stepping all over me like I was worthless. I was tired… of letting everyone think I was fine with everything. That I don’t get upset. That I don’t care. News flash, I do. After all, I am human. (No, yer a witch, Naomi HA Shut up Vivian)

“It’s… It’s just been a bad day.” I said in between sobs. “My cat just died.” I said as an afterthought.

“When did you get a cat?” Haiden asked, which I responded to by sobbing harder.

“I-I got him… before I came to the palace.” Haiden didn’t question my any further, instead pulled me in for a hug, letting all my tears drain out of my face.

After I finished crying, I wiped my eyes once again, pulled away from Haiden.

“I need to tell you something.” I said after a bit of standing and cleaning my face up. Surely I had mascara all down my cheeks.

“What?”

“I don’t have a cat.”

“I know.”

I nodded, laughing, despite the mood.

“Hey Naomi, what you said about not being happy all the time. What did you mean?”

“Sometimes I just feel like I always have to be the happy person people think I am. It’s stupid but-” I was interrupted.

“It’s not stupid.”

“Thanks.”

“And it’s fine to have bad days, but please don’t just go about them without telling someone, okay?” I nodded, wondering if he was speaking from experience, but not wanting to pry.

“I won’t, thanks Haiden.” I look up and stare at him, wondering whether or not I should tell him about the incident that has been bothering me. “Haiden… I-I need to tell you something. I’ve been bottling up everything bad that has happened to me since… god knows how long… a-and,” I feel the tear forming in eye. ”I just broke.”

I paused for a second, contemplating whether or not I should continue.

“You should know that… that day of the first attack,” I paused again. “I-I saw Cressida. I thought I was hallucinating b-but I wasn’t. I could’ve saved Queen Alizé… I could’ve prevented this whole damn situation… but I didn’t, and I can never, ever, ever, forgive myself for that. Kick me out now if you want to… this has just been eating me up and I’m sorry for everything.”

The tear rolls down my cheek as my mind throws every insult it could think of at me. He stares at me silently for a moment before he wraps his arms around me. 

“There are a lot of things we regret in life. There are a lot of things we wish we could change. Don’t… don’t worry about it.”

This makes me sob even harder for some reason. It was an unpleasant sight to see. Realizing that I was bawling into his arms, I calmed myself down and apologized a million more times. 

“I-It’s alright. Just… Don’t beat yourself up over this, Naomi.” 

“I’ll try not to…” There was a long moment of silence. “Now, I think I should go and find Naomi, don’t you think?” I said, trying to lift up this depressing mood and referencing the lame excuse I tried to use earlier.

“Go ahead, Namoi.” I laughed and started walking before again realizing I was lost. How could I have forgotten?

“Hey Haiden.”

“Yeah.”

“…I don’t exactly know how to get to my room from here.”

He laughed and led the way.

Today was a bad day…. but I’ll be okay.

CRACK FIC TIMEEEEEEEE by: @niara-aldaine @viola-smithin and moi

I sincerely apologize for this

You ruined it Naomi, again. Why do you always have to do this? Why do you mess up everything you touch? Remember that expensive ass lamp that grandma gave us? WELL, YOU BROKE THAT SHIT TOO BLOODY HELL M8

(I’m tempted to say trash but i cant) GARBAE LIKE GARBAGE BAE

IM A GENIUS

YOU NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME

GARBAE

BAE WHO IS GARBAGE

CALL URBAN DICTIONARY

START A NEW TREND

I FORGOT ABOUT HAIDEN CUZ LORD KNOWS THAT BITCH IS CONFUSING. I SAY HE’S DISTANT HE SAYS WHAT??? THEN IGNORED ME FOR 4 MILLION YEARS AND THEN EATS MY FUCKING EAR. WHAT THE HELL?

I hadn’t realized but at some point in my contemplation of becoming a salty Barbie ocean goddess who can fucking salsa like SHAKIRA SHAKIRA with a 70’s headband, Haiden the fat-hoed 6-toed shark ass pork nibbler, snuck up behind me and SWALLOWED MY FUCKING EAR. WHAT THE HELL DUDE. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT TO A PERSON, MUCH LESS A PERSON THAT CAN FUCKING SALSA LIKE SHAKIRA SHAKIRA WITH A 70’S HEADBAND, THAT IS NOT OK, BROCHACHO. I MEAN, I CAN FUCKING SALSA DUDE. I decided that Haiden needed a bag of fucking Doritos to calm his titties down and a good hair shave. His hormones were WAY out of control. Why didn’t I win then? Maybe he liked someone mild and bland, just like himself. But then again, it wasn’t MY fucking fault that Haiden, the guacamole egghead whisk couldn’t handle such SPICYNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I mean, I am pretty caliente.

After I managed to get my slobbered on ear back because Niara was very generous and blasted his stomach open with nuclear rice bombs made in Japananananan, I got to a professional donkey egghead whisk hospital and the very caliente police arrested Haiden for being a hormonic teenager nutzo who only guacamoled. He couldn’t calm his saggy raging titties so then Niara also blasted those off for him. Then I became the default queen because me la died from some mysterious reasons (cough Russians) and sophie went to the mountains. All was well. I invited a cow named Hachangchangchang to the redecorated Pepe meme palace to rule alongside me on SHAKIRA SHAKIRA thrones, at which point we had 50 japanse RUSSIAN kids all starting with the letter B. My favorite twins were BABANGBANG and BABANGBANGBANG. Viola and her girlfriend Sofika changed their names to Kakangkang and SHAKIRA SHAKIRA because they loved me that much. The oldest of them, KeekeeKomKikKokKeKikKokKakKue (Try saying that 5 times) took over and ruled with a fair hand full of chicken nuggets (all organic, courtesy of Mika Vladmska, the rice farmer) and her husband, Steve. (No one better fucking eat him this time, MULA)  It was a peaceful rule (when Niara wasn’t bombing all the countries with her faithful pet polar bear, Dorito Nachos, and that dude, Feliz Navidad). All was good, all was right.

We pulled a Abby Schreave

“Thanks, now I’m gonna GO NIBBLE ON AN EAR LATER LOSER”  THEN I STOLE HIS EAR AND RAN OFF MUAHHAAHHAHAHA FABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ALL DONE ENDO WHOPPPIE THIS IS SOME GOOD QUALITY CRAP.

Dr Phil voice: “You’ve got a problem”

[wayneooverton]

The whale story continues: becoming marine mammal medic in Kaikoura

Four months ago my life was changed forever.

While hiking on a very remote part of Stewart Island, I stumbled upon a scene of horror at sunset, several pods of 150 pilot whales beaching themselves in the shallow surf. Far from help, we did all that we could, but they ultimately all died.

Their cries haunt my dreams and still wake me up at night. I have nightmares about their bodies left to the sands on that beach, all alone.

How could I not help them? Why couldn’t I save them?

The worst day of my life: finding 145 stranded whales in New Zealand

Us humans have done so much harm to our oceans but also have created so many impossible things and built so many incredible machines.

We’ve sent men to the moon and taken photos of a black hole for the first time. We have magical underwater internet cables all around the world. How could we not save some whales? How could I not even call for help?

We should have been able to save them.

It makes me SO FUCKING MAD that we only prioritize science for profit. Why don’t we dedicate the billions of dollars that go into military funding like underwater naval mock battles or seismic blasting in our oceans instead of trying to figure out why whales keep beaching themselves and how we can prevent it?

WE STILL DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. ok, all caps, I’m pissed. Calm down, Liz.

But seriously, look at those four photos I just shared above. That was hell. Taking those photos was hell and killed part of my soul. The only reason I even took a few images of the stranding was because I knew deep down that this would become part of my story, and I would need them down the road.

Part of me died that day on the beach with those whales, and caused a wound so deep I’m only starting to recover from it.

I never want to experience that fear, helplessness, anger and grief again. The ghosts of 150 beautiful pilot whales walk with me everyday: mothers, babies, brothers, sisters, fathers, all gone but not forgotten, at least to me.

My experience with the whales was a catalyst for a massive breakdown for me, in which all my issues with control and being able to handle situations exploded, rendering me almost useless for months.

I spiraled into a deep depression, pushing everyone away from me, wallowing and unable to get the most basic tasks done. I stopped sleeping again and became the poster child for a millennial burnout.

My exhaustion consumed me. I realized I couldn’t do it all, and I had to ask for help when I needed it, which I did.

So what can I do now? What does that have to do with whales, Liz?

Last weekend I took the first step to becoming stronger by becoming a marine mammal medic in Kaikoura with Project Jonah, a New Zealand charity that’s been saving whales since 1974. Alongside the Department of Conservation (DOC), they are dedicated to protecting marine mammals here in New Zealand.

Half of the world’s whales and dolphins species are found in New Zealand, and there is a high rate of strandings here, averaging over 300 per year. They need our help.

New Zealand is a hotspot for whale strandings and has a handful of places where whales regularly strand, like on Stewart Island where I was and famously on Farewell Spit.

After my experience with the whales on Stewart Island, it was Project Jonah, DOC, and even the New Zealand police (!!) who looked after me, calling me and checking in on me when I was feeling blue. The support I received over those tough few weeks as I began to come to terms with my experience.

Once I began to feel better, I realized I had a difficult choice ahead of me: either ignore what I experienced with the whales and bury those horrible memories and move on with my life, or embrace the pain and use it as foundation to make a change in the world.

I am not one of those “airy-fairy” people who believes in fate or whatever *eye rolls* but honestly, I really think it was fate that put me on that beach with those whales. What are the chances someone was even there, let alone ME?!

Now I truly feel like it’s my duty now to share what I went through and do my part to make sure that no one is ever in my position again.

So I booked a flight to Christchurch, rented a car, and drove up to Kaikoura for the weekend, where I was able to attend one of Project Jonah’s marine mammal medic courses. Yes, it’s a thing.

With so many strandings happening every year, Project Jonah and DOC rely on trained volunteers (marine mammal medics) to help with the rescues and re-floating of stranded whales.

You spend the morning in the classroom learning about whales and dolphins and some of the reasons why they strand, along with the rescue techniques used at a stranding. In the afternoon, you’ll pull on a wetsuit and hit the beach for the practical part of the course, practicing what we’ve learned on life size inflatable whales and dolphins (filled with water to make them life-weight too) as well as using real rescue equipment on them.

By the end of Project Jonah Marine Mammal Medic course you’ll be trained to:

Assist in the rescue of stranded dolphins and whales

Act as a role model to untrained rescuers

After the course you’ll be issued with a marine mammal medic card and added to our national database for future stranding call-outs.

Be sure to subscribe to Project Jonah’s newsletter so you can sign up for the next course. I truly believe along with Project Jonah, that everyone person who lives in New Zealand should do this course and be better prepared for strandings.

It was so hard to relive those memories but now I feel one step closer to not being helpless and ignorant with strandings and I hope I can begin to do my part in saving and protecting these amazing creatures.

I realized that while I did a lot of things wrong when I stumbled across those whales on Stewart Island, like trying to grab them by their tails, I also realized I did the right thing by sending my partner at the time off running 20 kilometers to find DOC rangers.

I’m still coming to terms with the fact that there was nothing anyone could have done to save those whales I found, so many factors were not in their favor, mostly due to the sheer remoteness and access difficulty of where I found them, I feel a lot more secure in the knowledge I took away from this course that I can be of help in future strandings.

Which leads me to my next point – I need your help.

While I’ve always loved whales and marine mammals (I mean, what’s not to love? They are pretty incredible!) I now feel like whales are part of my story and I want to spend more time with them, and hopefully not just at whale strandings as a volunteer. I want to spend time with them in the water, learning about them and studying them.

Please if you know anyone who works with whales or dolphins or has experience in this area, scientists, biologists, rangers, or just fellow whale lovers, please let me know.

I’m really thinking about heading up to Tonga this winter to swim with the Humpback whales during their migration, but please let me know of other opportunities, places, books, movies, anything about whales where I can further my knowledge. And please connect me with fellow whale people!

Thank you and ngā mihi.

Liz xx

Report whale or dolphin strandings to the DOC emergency hotline 0800 DOC HOT or to Project Jonah 0800 4 WHALE

Do you spend time at the ocean and love whales and dolphins too? Is this something you’d be keen to learn more about? Share!

The post The whale story continues: becoming marine mammal medic in Kaikoura appeared first on Young Adventuress.

from Young Adventuress http://bit.ly/2G5rFup

[itsnotdavid-blog]

GROWING UP IS GETTING OLD

Nothing hits harder than the crushing realization that your childhood or youth is indeed coming to an end. Finding joy in the most trivial things becomes harder to complete, and you find yourself getting worked up over pettier things that may or may not even concern you. I’m talking about the struggles of growing up and facing facts we’d rather not face in the first place. We’ve all been victims to that godawful feeling when you must say farewell to the friends you’ve made across your years as they move on in search of a better future. It’s akin to the sinking feeling of betrayal and regret. You damn well know it’s not their fault, and in fact you should be cheering them on… yet why do we think so selfishly? It’s rather peculiar how we feel sorrow and betrayal when your friends move on to improve their own lives. We really should be happy for them since they’re taking steps towards achieving their own goals, and as amazing and fun as it may sound, there’s no way in hell we’ll all be able to stick together forever.

At some stage, we’ve got to let people go, for better or for worse. Preferably the former. This means setting them free in a way, so that they may better themselves as they likely won’t be able to grow up if we anchor them down and force them to stay put. This could also mean cutting off the more toxic people from your lives who will anchor you down and prevent you from living life the way you intend to.

But why am I complaining about all of this? Surely there must be some reason behind this unwarranted bitching. It’s likely that we’ll find ourselves questioning the decisions we have made as well as the decisions we will make more often as we mature... if that’s what you want to call it. I’d prefer to dub it as the transitional phase between vibrant youth and bitter old fart. It’s really not good to question everything you’ve done, especially since it’s all in the past. Instead you should focus more on learning from those mistakes. Mistakes which probably constitute ninety percent of your high school blunder years.

Recently I’ve found myself thinking about the past more often than I should. t’s more important to focus on what’s ahead, rather than what’s already been done. If you keep worrying about what’s already happened, then there’s a fat chance you won’t be able to stop whatever’s going to come next. Sure, it’s good to reminisce and think back for the sake of nostalgia, but if we’re stuck trying to relive or recreate memories from our old glory days then we’ll never be able to make progress. In the end, progress is all that counts.

I’ve also realized that I may have been growing backwards all this time; regressing almost - desperately trying to emulate my previous behavior, complete with all the careless drinking, the heavy smoking, the ceaseless wallowing: indicators of a man who simply reveled in his own sorrow. Pathetic. One of the things that shocked me was the fact that it took me so long to realize, and too many things had to happen in order for me to finally understand what’s going on in the cesspool of drama and shit that is my life. However, what shocked me the most was the fact that I was going full steam ahead, blissfully unaware that I was facing the wrong direction the entire time. Now that really rocked my boat.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed or pessimistic in the slightest. Delusional, maybe. If anything, my ego would take up three fifths of our solar system if manifested in physical form; it should be a crime to be so arrogant. But of course, this post isn’t about me. It’s about the message.

I spent a lot of that night wallowing in self pity, suddenly thinking back at things that should’ve been left alone.That night, I realized I’ve been making mistakes left and right the whole time throughout my high school years, asking myself “What was the point?” to most of the things I’ve done in the past. In reality, I shouldn’t have been wasting my time obsessing over what’s already happened. Instead, I should have focused more on what’s important. To most, that would include studies and the pursuit of happiness.  Without realizing this, it is very possible to lose track of yourself and end up getting stumped and sidetracked by self-imposed barriers such as hesitation or regret. It’s quite possible that we’ve all had similar experiences, such as a sudden sense of clarity hitting you harder than a ten-ton truck hurling towards you at Mach 4. We’ve either had, or will experience the crushing realization that eventually we must lose something precious to gain something new.

At first, it seems as if living comfortably and refusing to grow up is much easier for all of us. I’m sure we’d all prefer having fun as opposed to facing our responsibilities. Unfortunately for us, we must chin up and accept all these unwanted, uncomfortable and unexpected changes, and as shitty as it may sound, it’s how the world works. If everything was all peaches and gravy, then we’d never truly experience joy and success since we’d always take it for granted.

I guess you could say that if life were some sort of soup and joy was the broth, then the problems along the way would be the spices to make it all worthwhile. Our experiences, hardships and errors are what separates us from everyone else so it’s important that we learn from the blunders we make along the way.