#explain to me why my drive this morning was 50% longer!!!! it’s because people don’t fucking drive with purpose

[abowlofpetuniasandawhale]

why do you people drive like someone in the backseat is going to pop up and shoot you point blank in the head if the speedometer goes above 35mph

[lazywitchling]

Alright friends, buckle up, pretty sure this is going to be a long one.

Let me start off by saying that I am about to bring up a problem to which I have no solution. I will say what I think we shouldn't do, but I don't know what we should do instead. Someone smarter than me will have to cover that one.

Anyway, all this is regarding this post I made this morning after seeing yet another one of those asks floating around Tumblr. "What do you think of [website]?"

(Actually I'm going to toss this under a cut because it's WAY longer than I meant it to be, but I still think it's important to say)

It seems like a harmless ask. It usually comes with an explanation as to why there's something interesting there at that URL. Maybe not correct or good, but certainly interesting. Just enough to make you curious to go check the website. It's even in the phrasing of the question! They're not telling you they're good or bad, they're just asking what you think. That's harmless... right?

Yeah, no, it's definitely nazis. Not "nazis" as in "uhhh everything I don't like on the internet is nazi", it's nazis as in full-blown anti-Semitism, reptillian-people-control-the-banks... it's gross. I looked up what they're about just so I could tell you, and it's gross. 0/10, do not recommend.

Anyway, here on Tumblr, they send these asks out to various blogs. And over the past couple weeks, I've seen an increasing number of these asks published on my dashboard.

Now, every time I have seen them, the person publishing it has absolutely called it out for being what it is. They'll go into detail about why it's filth, or they'll go for the short-and-not-sweet "Fuck off, you nazi piece of shit". Every time I've seen the ask, it's been refuted.

But I've seen the ask. A lot.

Now... why is that a problem? Why is it a problem to publish the ask and call it out for what it is? Isn't it better for your followers to know what it is so they don't get taken in by it?

Let me tell you two stories.

1. The Cheeseburger

So yesterday for dinner I had a cheeseburger from... the Large Burger Chain (you know the one). Earlier in the day, I had read a post here on Tumblr about a lawsuit involving this Large Burger Chain, in which they had done a shitty thing. It was a funny story, where we got to laugh at the Large Burger Chain for being greedy and awful. "Look how awful those people at Large Burger Chain are. Aren't they the worst?"

So why did I go get a cheeseburger from them? Well, 'cause for the rest of the day, I kept thinking "Damn, a cheeseburger sounds delicious right now." It managed to weasel its way into my brain, and I couldn't stop thinking about cheeseburgers. And of course, that one cheeseburger place stands out in my mind. Until eventually, when out for a drive with Dad, he asked if I wanted anything in particular for dinner, and I said I had a craving for a cheeseburger from Large Burger Chain (It was Burger King).

Now why did I go there after having read about the shitty lawsuit?

Here's the thing about advertising. They know they can't sell you a cheeseburger from one advertisement. One commercial on TV does not make you go "I will now go get a cheeseburger from Large Burger Chain!" It doesn't work that way. But they want to be sure that when you DO want a cheeseburger eventually... they are the one you think of. They want to be the first place you think of.

Let me ask you something. How did you react when I said the name of Large Burger Chain? Because I said it up there in the strikeout. You might not have had a fully thought-out reaction, but I bet you had an instinctive moment where you either thought "I KNEW it was Burger King", or "Oh, I thought it was McDonalds."

Why did you think of the place you thought of? Is it because you like that one better? Is it because there's one down the road from your house that you pass all the time? Did you recently see a commercial for that one? This is a rhetorical question that probably doesn't have a specific answer. But somehow, for some reason or for many reasons, one of those burger places has made it's way into your head and is now the first place you think of when you hear "Large Burger Chain". One place stands out in your mind as The Fast Food Place With The Burgers. Even if you don't like either place, you've heard them advertised enough that they've got into your head.

You seeing where I'm going with this?

The more these asks show up on my dashboard, the more it gets into my head. I, knowing full well what that site is about, have wondered more than once "Hey, I've never actually looked at that website. What does it look like?" or "What is actually on there?" or "I want to go look at how bad it really is."

I can't name off the people who have received and published the ask. I didn't pay that much attention. Each time I saw it was insignificant at the time. But I've seen the website often enough that I can name its exact URL without ever having intentionally memorized it.

BUT JES, you say, WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM? If you KNOW the site is garbage, and you CALL it garbage, then no one is going to get taken in by it, right??

2. The Price Tags

So, I'm a cheesemonger. My job is to sell things to people. I've been in this business for nearly a decade, I've got certifications you probably don't even know exist. I am trained and paid to know how to get you to buy shit.

It's gross and I hate it and I don't use those skills if I can help it, but I have them.

But there's one very very easy tactic that I do use in my cheese department. It's very easy, takes no effort on my part, and it's really effective.

Every price tag is on the back of the piece of cheese.

These are cheeses that are cut to variable weights, with a certain price per pound. Because these cheeses are cut individually, they are priced individually. Smaller ones, bigger ones, whatever you need. Now, the thing is... if you are browsing my cheese wall looking for something interesting, you are going to see cheese, you are going to see names, you are going to see types. You are not going to see prices. If you want to see the price, which is on the back, you know what you have to do?

You have to pick it up.

I have now got the piece of cheese into your hands. And that's one step closer to it being in your cart.

It's not 100%. It's not even 50%. The majority of people who pick up a piece of cheese on a whim to check the price will then put it back down. But not all of them. A lot of people will pick it up, just to check, just to satisfy their curiosity. That one sounds odd, I wonder how much it is? And then it's in their hands, and they shrug, and they toss it into the cart. Because why not?

So WTF does this have to do with anything?

Look, it's a lot of fun to digitally punch a nazi. They come into our ask boxes, and it's so tempting to take a verbal (textual?) swing at them. But the goal is to get their name out there into the ether. It's to put that name in front of all your blog's followers, as many times as possible. Maybe you refute the ask and someone who has never heard of them before now knows who they are. OR maybe this is the fifth time they've seen it on their dash this week, and now they're curious. This group wants to make sure that you know their name off the top of your head, the way you know the name of that Large Burger Chain. And if they can get you to their site, even if it's just to satisfy your morbid curiosity, even if it's just to see how bad it really is, then they've got the piece of cheese in your hands. And yeah, maybe most people put it back. But sometimes it winds up in the cart.

So... what do I do?

Don't feed the trolls. Starve them. Block the anon. Delete the ask. Move on with your day.

As for how to teach people about these assholes? -shrug- That's where you have to ask someone smarter than me. I don't know how to educate people on this stuff without exposing them to it, but my instinct is to not let them control the conversation. Beyond that, you're probably best off listening to the people these groups hate. Find Jewish voices explaining what's so harmful about these people, and boost their voices instead.

Anyway.

That was a tome. Thanks for reading. Don't feel bad if you've ever published an ask they sent you. Individually posted, they don't have a whole lot of power. It's when it becomes a trend that it becomes a problem.

[sometimes-i-write-4-you]

Beatrice to my Benedick - Steven Hyde x reader

Dear diary,

Being the best student in literature has it's perks, like getting paired with the worst student for the big end-of-the-year project. Steven Hyde took this class because he thought it was an easy A, but he was wrong. The only A he got in that class was A headache.

Why would it be a perk to get paired with him, you may wonder? Well, I liked Steven for a while now. We barley exchange words, but if there was a looks class, that's his easy A.  his attitude needs a bit of work, but his cynical comments make the class better, and the way he threw in every irrelevant fact possible to piss off Mr. D was… I don't even know how to explain, attractive? I adore the fact he gives zero fucks about who gives a fuck. And now I have a chance to get to know him as more than the troublemaker. Will I fuck it up? probably. Wish me luck.

(y\n) close the notebook she used as a diary and pushed it under the closed book on her desk, going back to copying from the bored the assignment. The big end of the year project was to take a Shakespeare play and plan how a current day adaption of it would look. "much like west side story taking Romeo and Juliet's story and placing it in the times of the 50's, with street gangs instead of high-class feuding families, touching subjects that are relevant to the time like immigrants and the way we treat them" Mr. D explained farther. There was one thing that man loves more than homework: Shakespeare. The bell rings, and (y\n) started to pack up her things.

"listen, you're like, really smart and I'm not so how about you do everything and I get 50% of the credit". Those words came out of a mouth belonged to a curly haired, sun-glasses wearing handsome guy. "no" she said, pushing her things in her backpack and getting up, "that's fucking stupid, I'm not letting you do nothing and get an A" she kept talking, but the moment she looked at him she started to stutter. "common, you know I'll just ruin you’re a, do you want to ruin your perfect scoresheet?" Steven Hyde kept insisting. "n-no, look, that's, uh, that's a really big project" she replied. "fine" he sighed, giving up quicker then she expected. "you're place right after school?" he offered. "sure" she smiled, not really knowing how to function next to him. she was okay as long as she didn't wonder if his eyes look her up and down behind the sunglasses, so she looked away from him. "do you have a car here? Cause I drove with a friend this morning, so I don't have one here. Or in general, I don't, I don't have my license… yet, don't have it yet" (y\n) said. She was still messing up her sentences, even without looking at him. "yeah, I have a car. I'll meet you at the exit, bye" he said, ignoring her rumbling. "okay, see you" she said, waving behind him. "shit" she mumbled the moment he was out of her sight, leaving the classroom to go to her next one.

The school day was finally over, and (y\n) stood by the gate, waiting for Steven to come. He arrived, finally. He barley waved at her, but she followed him to the car anyways. He opened the door for her, still quiet. "didn't expect you to be the gentleman type" she mumbled, but he heard. "I'm not, but you seem like you wouldn't dare to touch my car without my permission. Just saving time" he said as he sat down beside her. "oh" she said, a bit disappointed. He was right though; she'd probably embarrass herself by asking "do I just open it? Can i?", and she has made herself enough of a fool in front of him already. He started the car and turned on the radio. "if you have a problem with the music, suck it" he said. He pressed the gas and they left the school.

"what makes you think I don't like the rolling stones?" she asked him, and he looked at her for a second before moving his eyes back on the road. "you seem like a good girl type of… girl" he said, stopping as the lights turned red. "being a good girl doesn’t mean I can't enjoy good music" she laughed. His surprise made her proud, for some reason. "good point" he said, "who else do you like?" he asked. "take a left after the lights" she said, giving him directions to get to her house, "and as for your question - Led Zeppelin are great, Aerosmith" she listed, and he nodded in approval. "maybe you're not that bad. I was planning to be a dick and make you want to do the project alone, but I might have to actually help a fellow rock fan" he said. "thank you..?" she said, her tone making it a question. "you better thank me" he said, turning the wheel. The car took a sharp left, and she thought she's gonna die for a second. "the next right and then-" "wait, that's the rich part of town" Hyde cuts her off, "man, this might be a lot more fun than expected "he smiled, and she sighed. "look, just, don't talk about it to you're friends, okay? I just don't want people to look at me as a rich stuck-up" she asks. "honey, everyone thinks you're a stuck-up anyways" Hyde replies, "with you're way too nice behavior, and the way you never go off the rails. You try to hard to be good, people think you think you're better then us" he says, popping her bubble. "I'm not better then you, I just don't want a criminal record" she replied, immediately defending her name. "do people really think so?" she asked after a moment of silence. "yeah" he said.

They finally got to her house. "dude, you are-" "don't say that" she cuts him off. They went inside and settled in her room.  "so, what play do you want to make-up an adaption for?" she asks. "uh, let's do something easy. Romeo and Juliet, but it's high school and we can talk about the effects of social-status on our lives" Steven said. "everyone is going to that" (y\n) says, "we need something else".

She takes the book of off her nightstand. "what's that?" Steven asks her. "the comedies of Shakespeare" she replies. "it's- you read that for fun?" Hyde laughs. "yes" she says, "got a problem with that?" she says, raising an eyebrow. The comfort of her house returned her ability to talk, and the longer she spent time with him the more conferrable she felt. Plus, she barely looked at him. she hands him the book and allows him to choose a title.

"what's this one?" he asks, pointing at the letters forming "Much Ado About Nothing". "oh, this is one of my favorites" she smiles, "a soldier falls in love with the daughter of the governor, evil guy makes Claudio – the soldier – to think Hero – the daughter – is unfaithful. Meanwhile, Don Pedro, who's also a soldier, is setting up the third soldier – Benedick - with the niece of the governor – her name is Beatrice, and that's most of the plot. Also, evil dude? Half-brother of Don Pedro" she explains. "so… jock likes principal's daughter, who's in... I don't know, chess? Then dude from Chess club is like "man, she's cheating on you". Other Jock dude and other girl in chess club fall in love as well" Steven makes up a way to place the story in current times and an environment they know enough to do the assignment. "okay, not that bad for someone who wanted to not do the work" she laughed, and sat down at her bed, "let's get to work". He sat down beside her, and they started working.

Weeks pass by, and the project is finally done. "that's sad, I was actually enjoying working with you" (y\n) said, after they handed out the project. "we can still hang out, you can come with me to the Forman's, I think Donna would like you, and you can have a nerd-down with Eric. He's obsessed with Star Wars, you read Shakespeare for fun… which one's the nerdier?". "I love Star Wars" she says. "and… it's you. You are such a nerd" he smiled, and she laughed. "sure, yeah, that's be cool. See you after school, you can drive cause, you know, I don't have a car, or a license-" "yeah, I know" he says, and waves goodbye as he walks away. "yup, great, just. great" she sighs.

They arrive at the Forman's and turns out Steven was right, she got along with his friends right away. Kelso hit on her after less than a minute, Fez made her feel a mix of fluttered and uncomfortable, Donna and her got along perfectly and Eric and her managed to start an argument regarding a star-wars thing no one else understood. They settled it eventually, when Jackie asked them to "stop, I don't want your nerdiness to stick to me, that’s just.. ugh". "well, I'll go to the bathroom for a sec, Donna, my notebook is in my bag, you can copy the homework" (y\n) said, and went upstairs, leaving her bag behind. Donna took out a notebook and flipped through, realizing this is not the right notebook.

"that's not science, that's her diary" Donna sighs, putting it aside and looking for the right notebook. "ohhh, juicy" Jackie laughed and grabbed the diary, reading through. "don't read it, it's personal" Kelso says, taking the notebook away, "how would you feel If someone read your diary?" he asked while reading the page Jackie was reading a second ago. "dude, that's rude" Steven said, and took the diary away. He was about to put it back in her back, but he noticed his name, and started reading it. "I liked steven for a while now…" he says outload. "Steven Hyde, what the fuck?!" (y\n) calls out, takimg the diary from his hands. "That's- how can you do this?" she sighed, tears forming in her eyes. She took her bag and ran off, not giving Steven the chance to explain, or react to what he just read.

He ran after her.

"(y\n), wait!" he called after her, running as fast as he could. He catches up quickly, since his legs were longer than her's. "listen, okay?" he says, and she sighs, grabbing her hand. "no" she said, trying to pull her arm out of his. "please?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "n-" they argued back and forth, until he kissed her. "please?" "okay" she gave up. "I like you, (y\n). look, Donna took it out instead of the science notebook, and I took it away from Kelso to put it back, and then I saw my name. I had to read it, I needed to know if it says you like me. You're like... the Beatrice to my Benedick" he said, embarrassed to admit that was the information he looked for. "oh" she says, "I guess that's… weirdly sweet" her smile finally shows up on her tear-covered face. "don't call me sweet" Steven sighs. She laughs. "I mean, I know you'll say yes, cause, you know, I read you're diary-" "don't mention that, please" "-sorry, but, do you want to go out sometime?" he asks. "no" she says, "I don't date guys that read my diary, so-" he kissed her once again, this time the kiss is deeper and more passionate. Their lips move perfectly against each other's lips. They finally cut off the kiss to breath. "however, I do date good kissers, so, I guess I... I guess I'd go put with you, sure" she sighs, hands on the collar of his shirt. "cool" he smiled, and took her hand, leading her back to his friend's basement.

[songtoyou]

Chapter 8: Wine Before Whiskey

Tolerate It

Paring: Modern!Tommy Shelby x Original Female Character

Story Rating: R (No minors should read this fic).

Word Count: 2,827

Warnings: None

Description: Tommy Shelby is the owner and CEO of Shelby Company Limited. Starting out as a Bookmaker, Tommy had big ideas to expand his riches. In the past ten years, the company has grown rapidly to expand its business ventures from bars to producing alcohol, manufacturing motor vehicle parts, and exporting. One of the richest men in Great Britain, Tommy Shelby, has it all. Unfortunately, the death of his wife, Grace, left the multi-millionaire mogul alone and depressed. He needed someone to fulfill his needs and deepest darkest desires.

A/N: I wanted Tommy and Rose to connect on a more personal level in this chapter. I wanted them to become comfortable with each other outside of the bedroom. I don’t want their relationship to be solely about sex. 

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Tag list: @owenniasstars​

Wine. A nice tall glass of wine. That is all Rose wanted to cap off the day. She decided not to respond to the text messages from her friends or mother. Rose was not in the mood to come up with some bullshit excuse for being photographed out with Tommy. Also, it was not their business, and she didn’t need to justify anything with an excuse.

With a glass of wine in hand, Rose sat on the couch in the living room with her feet up. As Rose flipped through the television, the front door opened and slammed shut.

When Rose saw Louis rush up the stairs, she called out to him, “Hey, Louis!” He ignored her. Sighing, Rose got up to follow her son upstairs.

“Louis,” she spoke through the door while knocking. “Is everything okay?” Still nothing. “Louis, honey, what is wrong? From the way you slammed the front door, you seem upset. Did something happen at school today?”

Louis opened his bedroom door to come face-to-face with his mother. “Did something happen at school today,” he said mockingly. “How about the fact that my mother was photographed out with a rumored gangster. Or the fact that some of my classmates are referring to you as one of Tommy Shelby’s whores. You know he has been rumored to date escorts mom. Did you not know when you first started seeing him? In fact, how did you even meet him in the first place?”

Shifting from one foot to the other, Rose looked down at the floor. She was too embarrassed to meet her son’s accusatory gaze. “All of that stuff, the rumors about Tommy, are just that, rumors.” Rose felt sick lying to her son. “And Tommy isn’t a gangster. He is a businessman.”

“That is not what I hear. There is a whole sub-Reddit about how he really earned his millions. I should show it to you. Maybe it would rethink your association with the man,” Louis rambled on. “How did you get introduced to him anyway? It isn’t like you both run in the same social circle.”

Rose sat down on the bed and drew her knees up. It was her way of buying time to formulate a believable response, or rather lie. Thankfully, she had already thought up different scenarios that would be the most believable.

“Do you remember that business trip I took with Linda back in March? It was to a conference up in Birmingham, the educators and practitioners conference,” she explained, which that part was actually the truth. She did go to a conference up north with her boss back in March. However, here comes the lie, “Well, Tommy was there as well. He just showed up unexpectedly. He wasn’t on the agenda, but he gave a speech, something about…I don’t know, I can’t remember. I wasn’t really paying attention. But it was at one of the social networking gatherings where I ran into him. We talked most of the night. He asked for my number, which I gave him, not thinking he would actually call. But we have been in contact for a while. It was only recently that we have gone on dates.” Again, all lies. Rose started to feel sick. She could feel bile began to rise in her throat.

Sighing, Louis folded his arms across his chest and leaned against his desk. He still wasn’t looking at his mother. “It’s all weird. You never really dated. Or not date so out in the open before.”

“Is one of the reasons why you’re upset with me dating is because of dad? Are you still hoping your dad and I get together?” Rose asked, concerned about what he would say. She wished Louis weren’t so hung up on the idea of her and Nick ending up together. It was never going to happen. 

He only shrugged. “Is it so wrong that a kid would want their parents to be together?”

There wasn’t much she could say to that concept. “How about we get pizza for dinner, okay,” she suggested hoping to move on from the subject.

“Fine. I got homework to finish up,” said Louis defeated. The look on his face broke Rose’s heart. 

“Alight. I’ll tell you when the pizza arrives. The usual?” she asked.

“The usual,” replied Louis nonchalantly while opening his school books and notebooks.

Rose left his room and walked down the stairs. She hated herself at that moment.

While Rose waited for the pizzas to arrive, she decided to send a quick text to Tommy.

As Tommy sat at his desk looking over contracts, it would be another late night at the office; he received Rose’s text. 

Rose: Tommy, we need to talk. Can I stop by your office around 3 PM tomorrow?

The message took him by surprise. He wasn’t expecting to hear from Rose or for her to ask to meet up with him.

Tommy: Yes, you can stop by. However, instead of 3:00, let’s meet at 4:00.

His reply back was his way of maintaining control. He found it rather amusing that Rose felt comfortable requesting, or rather ordering, Tommy for a meeting. Tommy was tempted to ask what the meeting would be about but didn’t really think too much of it. 

If the meeting turned out to be fruitless, he could end with Rose bent over his desk and punish her for wasting his precious time. The thought was already getting him hard. 

Leaning back in his chair, Tommy began to rub his hardness through his pants. Taking his cock out of his pants, he began to stroke back and forth. As Tommy continued to stroke, he only thought of Rose, which was unusual. Whenever Tommy was pleasuring himself alone, he would always think of Grace. He would picture his wife on her knees or bent over his desk or taking her up against the wall. It was always Grace.

But now, Tommy was picturing Rose. He saw her face clearly in his head. He imagined Rose under his desk pleasuring him with her mouth and hands. He wanted Rose bent over on his desk, taking her from behind, on the floor, the conference table, against the wall, and the floor. Tommy began to realize he wanted Rose all of the time.

At that thought. Tommy soon began to worry about why Rose asked for a meeting out of the blue. He began to wonder if she was regretting their arrangement due to being in the press. However, Tommy told Rose that being in the press was likely, and she appeared to understand that fact. No, something must have alarmed her. He would find out what it was. He would get it out of her one way or another. Tommy wasn’t going to let her go that easy. 

Friday! The day Father Time preferred to drag on and on. The hours on the clock appeared to move slower and slower, Rose noted. She was at work catching up on what she missed yesterday morning. It was the usual task; looking over budgets, setting up meetings, working on meeting agendas, finishing up the minutes from past meetings, and making sure the office was stocked with supplies. It was the same thing every day. Nothing changed, and the more she stayed at the job, the more fed up she became. Rose knew she needed to get out there and look for a better job. One that matched the college degree that she worked hard to obtain. A job that paid well where she would no longer have to be an escort to make a living. 

However, the money Tommy was offering to Rose was better than any standard 9 to 5 job could offer.

When 3:15 finally rolled around, Rose gathered her belongings and headed to meet Tommy. 

“Ms. Turner!” someone shouted at her. 

Thankfully, Rose knew that voice. She turned around to see Isaiah with a megawatt smile, waving her over to his car. 

“Let me guess, Tommy sent you to deliver me to him?” Rose questioned sarcastically. “And I told you to call me Rose.”

“Yes, he did, and yes, you did. Come on, we don’t want to be late,” Isaiah answered and opened the passenger door for Rose. She got in the car.

“You saw my son take the car this morning and let Tommy know, huh?”

“Yep,” was all Isaiah said and began to drive out of the College’s parking lot. 

With the way Isaiah drove, he managed to make it to the building that held Tommy’s office in half of the time. He smoothly moved the car around the building’s underground parking garage. 

“Okay, we are here. You can take the elevator to Tommy’s office,” he instructed and told Rose which floor to select.

“Thank you, Isaiah. I appreciate it. I figure Tommy is going to ask you to take me home?”

“That is to be determined. He might want to take you home himself. Have a nice evening, Rose. Take care,” said Isaiah and waved goodbye.

She selected the floor instructed by Isaiah and waited. Tommy was on the building’s top floor, so the elevator continuously stopped and let people on and off. When the elevator finally reached her destination, the doors opened. Rose only saw a few people pass by. There was no one at the front desk, so she stood by and waited until someone showed up.

Looking at her phone, it read 3:50. She still had ten minutes to spare. “Rose, hi. How are you?” She turned to see Andrew walk towards her. 

“Andrew, hi. I’m good. You?”

“Same. Can I get you some coffee or tea?” he asked. “Mr. Shelby is finishing up a call at the moment. Please, have a seat.”

“Okay. Water would actually be great, thanks.”

Andrew managed to get Rose’s water before Tommy emerged from his office. However, he was not alone. He was followed by a very tall and lanky man with a full beard and similar hairstyle to Tommy, but longer on top. 

“Arthur, continue to keep me posted on Changretta,” Rose heard Tommy whisper but pretended not to hear anything. She made it look like she was too preoccupied with her phone to notice the two men not far from her. 

“Esme is working on it, Tom. She is having trouble with a few firewalls, or whatever she called them, but assures she can crack ’em,” Arthur shared. “Said she would get a file on your desk by Monday.”

“Okay, good. That is good. I’ll talk to you later, brother,” Tommy responded, patting Arthur’s back.

Arthur said his goodbye and left for the elevators. Tommy turned towards Rose.

“Rose,” he spoke to get her attention. He motioned with his hand for her to follow him into the office. 

Closing the door behind him, Tommy told Rose to take a seat.

“Your text seemed rather…urgent,” Tommy began as he poured himself a whiskey. He offered on to Rose, but she declined. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, well…no, not really. I…uh…I don’t really know…” Rose began but was having trouble forming the words. “I don’t really…oh my God, it’s my son. He isn’t too keen on the idea of me ‘dating’ you. He saw the pictures. Apparently, some of the kids at school were making fun of him because of them. I have friends asking questions. Even my mom saw them, and I don’t talk to her at all. Everything has gotten out of hand. I mean, I wasn’t quite expecting this kind of outcome. It is a lot to take.”

Gulping down the whiskey, Tommy proceeded to pour another one for himself and one for Rose. 

“Drink,” he ordered, handing Rose the glass that held the amber color liquid, which she took and gulped it down. She placed the now empty glass on Tommy’s desk. “Feel better?” 

“Not really. Can I ask you something? It is kind of a personal question, but I’m asking you for some advice,” Rose asked and continued when Tommy gave her the go-ahead to proceed. “You have a kid yourself, a son. When I originally agreed to our deal, I never fully thought of the consequences that could occur. I didn’t think of how it would affect my child. To put it blankly, he is upset that I’m with you. It’s all about his stupid dad and wanting us to be together. So my question to you is, how do you go about lying to your child?”

Once again, Rose caught Tommy completely off guard with her question. That was not what he was expecting. The fact that she had the audacity to bring up his son didn’t even bother him as it would if it were anyone else. He was craving a cigarette at the moment. “My son, Charlie, spends most of his time at boarding school. He is only home on holidays and special occasions. When I have my son with me, he only wants to spend time with his cousins or me. He never really gave my ‘relationship’ with Lizzie much thought. To him, she was only daddy’s friend. Plus, the observation skills of an eight-year-old doesn’t quite compare to the observation skills of a sixteen-year-old.”

Tommy had a point, Rose thought. She motioned to him if she could refill her glass of whiskey. With Tommy’s go-ahead, she got up and poured herself a drink. This time Rose took small and sat back down.

Taking in a deep breath, Rose mentioned, “You’re lucky. It is so much easier when your kid is younger. They don’t ask so many questions or notice things that don’t add up. You can tell them pretty much anything, and they’d believe you. But when your kid gets older, prepare yourself for the questions he will no doubt ask.”

She looked up when Tommy sighed. He was leaning in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. “Charlie turned eight back in February. He is beginning to ask me questions about his mother, like where she was from and if we can visit the town, how we met, what made me attracted to her, all that stuff. The one question that scares me…” Tommy began, but Rose could sense hesitation. 

“He’s going to ask why did mummy have to die?” Rose finished for him. Tommy only nodded his head. “I don’t envy you on that part.”

Quite soon filled the office as Tommy and Rose sat in silence and sipping down whiskey. “Who was that guy that in here earlier?” Rose asked to kill the silence.

“That was my older brother, Arthur,” Tommy answered. “He and my younger brother, John, both own a couple of bars and clubs around England. They have been working on a new line of Peaky Blinders Vodka to go with our whiskey and gin brand.” 

“You really dabble in everything, don’t you. Where do you go from here?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I should try my hand at politics, eh. An MP to go with my OBE” teased Tommy with an exceedingly rare boyish grin on his face. Rose noticed that Tommy’s smile was rather sweet and brightened his facial features. “Yeah, that is exactly what my family needs is me in politics.” 

Rose softly scoffed, “I don’t think we need any more millionaires in politics, no offense.”

“No offense taken,” Tommy chuckled and downed his drink. He got up to grab his jacket and swung it on. He took Rose’s glass and finished it for her. “Come on, let’s go.” 

Tommy grabbed Rose’s hand and pulled her up from the chair. “Where are we going?”

“I’m taking you to dinner. We can talk more there,” Tommy proposed and guided Rose out of the office. 

“I won’t be able to stay the night if that is what you were considering,” she stated while in the elevator.

“Not what I was considering,” uttered Tommy, honestly. He put his hands on Rose’s shoulder and turned her to face him. “Only dinner.”

“Only dinner?”

“Nothing more, nothing less,” Tommy replied, placing a soft kiss on Rose’s lips. He entwined his hand in Rose’s and walked her to his car.

He took Rose to Bar 61, London’s most famous Spanish tapas restaurant. When they were seated, Rose liked the relaxed and upbeat charm of the establishment. She was surprised that Tommy chose the place since it was more family-friendly rather than high-end/upscale. But the man before her was always full of surprises. They sat in a more secluded area of the restaurant where they wouldn’t be disturbed.

Tommy ordered a bottle of wine for them to share. He raised his glass for a toast. “What are we toasting?” Rose asked with a smile.

“How about to good health and new friends,” Tommy suggested and clinked his glass with Rose’s.

“And to new adventures,” Rose added, now with a sly smile on her face.

“To new adventures,” Tommy repeated, and they clinked their glass again.

[fllinginluvwevry1]

“I just want everybody here to know, I’m fuckin’ gay!”

Kiara Carrera x Reader

Summary: You had moved out of your conservative prejudice parents house at seventeen. Now at eighteen with your hot ass girlfriend Kiara you attend your older sister's baby shower effectively pissing off all of the conservatives in your family. Things are going about as well as you expect until your trick ass bitch of an aunt makes a comment that was a little too much to just tell her off for and you’re forced to throw hands.

Warnings: Conservatives, homophobia, unsupportive parents/family, violence, swearing, and a whole lot of fluff.

Word Count: 1,458

A/N: that summary is really cringy, anyway this is my first Kie fic so I hope you like it. This was inspired by @collecting-stories theirs is probably definitely better than mine but I would love if you gave this a read.

🦋💖🦋💖🦋💖

After having moved out of my disgusting conservative parents’ house I had lost most contact with them. I talked to them on the phone about every other week, but I stayed in close contact with my little brother, Carter. He was fifteen now and had always had a bit of trouble with our parents but he was doing good. The only other person in my family I kept regular contact with was my older sister Megan, she’s twenty-six and one of my favorite people in the world. My sister is the complete opposite of my parents like me but, she lacked a certain bite that I had. I was always defiant as a kid and a teen but my sister just obeyed trying to avoid conflict.

My sister and my brother both knew about me and Kie but the rest of my family did not. When Megan started planning her baby shower she just wanted a small event but she made the mistake of telling our mother that, she immediately inserted herself into the planning and invited literally all of our still alive family to Megan’s baby shower. My mom insisted on booking a huge venue and hiring a coordinator. I asked my sister if she was okay with me bringing Kie, because I didn’t want to steal attention away from her and her husband, she immediately said yes. I could tell my sister was fed up with our mother and wanted to piss her off and I was completely okay with that.

Kie and I took the ferry to the mainland two days before Megan’s shower because we wanted some time alone from the boys and we wanted to go to all of the stores the mainland had to offer that Kildare did not. We were staying in an expensive hotel compliments from Kie’s dad for the weekend. Kie’s parents were definitely much more supportive than mine.

On the day of the shower Kie and I had a nice morning with breakfast in bed along with something else a little more fun if you catch my drift.

Kie and I got ready and then got an Uber to the venue my mother booked. I held Kie’s hand the whole ride there feeling my anxiety spiking. While I didn’t really care about what my family thought, I really didn’t enjoy conflict. That being said I was always ready to throw hands if anyone stepped too far out of line. I didn’t take three years of mixed martial arts for nothing, okay so maybe I really didn’t remember any of it but I could punch hard and if I started kicking you would definitely end up with a few broken bones. I was really hoping it wouldn’t go there but there was no telling how far my family's intolerance ran.

I walked into the venue with Kie hand in hand and we walked straight to my sister to greet her. “Hi!” Megan waved excitedly. “Hey, Meg.” I said letting go of Kie’s hand to wrap my sister in a hug. “Hi, Meg, look how pregnant you are.” Kie said in a happy tone, “Oh, I know, it’s great.” Meg responded, wrapping Kie in a hug next. Megan and Kie had met quite a few times before and got along really well so I wasn’t worried. “Where’s Sammy?” I asked, referring to my sister's husband. “Oh, he’s trying to keep mom entertained so she doesn’t drink all the wine before everyone gets here.” She said the last part in a more hushed tone. “Ahh, I see.” I responded.

We talked to Meg for a little while longer before more people started arriving and she had to start mingling with them. Kie and I mostly kept to ourselves before I was practically tackled by Carter. “Oh my god, Y/N you have to save me, mom is driving me insane, she limited my PlayStation time and she’s making me try out for the baseball team, I haven’t played baseball since I was ten.” I laughed. “Hey Carts, I missed you too.” I said hugging him back, Kie gave a light laugh behind me. “This is no laughing matter Y/N, I’m this close to turning into a runaway.” He said overdramatically. “Carter, you’re gonna be fine, you know how often mom doesn’t go through with things and summer break is coming up so you get to visit me on the island again.” Carter finally pulled away and said hi to Kie.

As more people arrived I noticed more family members staring at Kie and I so I just kept hold of her hand and placed a small kiss on her shoulder. Kie then wrapped one arm around my waist and brought one hand up to stroke my hair. “I love you baby.” She said kissing my nose and then my lips. I melted into her kiss and rested my forehead against hers. “I love you Kie.” I said, feeling soft.

I knew it was gonna happen but I was still a little upset when I felt like someone was staring at me. I looked up from where my chin was resting on Kiara’s shoulder and saw both my parents looking at Kie and I from the table they sat at. My father had a suppressed look of anger and my mother looked positively disgusted. I saw their expressions and my bratty smug ass just smiled at them and put a light kiss on Kie’s neck.

The rest of the time went as well as it could with some people muttering under their breath and still giving off glances and my girlfriend and I. I got to talk to the few family members that I actually liked and some of my sisters friends that I had known since I was a kid. It was at the point where most of the action was over so about 50% of the people had left and more were fleeting when my least favorite aunt came up to the table I was at with my brother, my sister, and her husband. Now this aunt has been married five times and has eight children that she makes do everything, and she still had the audacity to come up and say some shit to me.

She came up and sat in the empty chair next to me. “You know it’s such a shame, Y/N you were always such a pretty girl, it’s too bad your parents didn’t realize your ‘condition’ earlier.” I was already pissed at this point but I decided to play dumb. “What do you mean?” I asked in a faux clueless voice tilting my head slightly. “Well you’re gay sweetie, and you and your, friend, are obviously very, promiscuous. I’m just saying maybe if your parents knew earlier they could have gotten you into one of those conversion camps.” She smirked and the jaws at the table dropped. I felt the rage fill my small body and I fucking lunged at that bitch knocking her out of her chair and started throwing punches.

“Beat her fucking ass Y/N!” I heard my Megan yell and was honestly a little surprised. I only got a few punches in as Megan and Carter cheered me on because Sammy lifted me by my waist prying me off of her. “You wanna say that again bitch!” I yelled as Sammy pulled me away from her. “Maybe you’ll think twice before saying some shit next time unless you want me to break your fucking nose again!” I yelled again trying to squirm out of the large guy’s grip.

Sammy carried my struggling form all the way to the bathrooms before transferring me to Kie. “Hey, Hey, baby it’s okay, you’ve done enough, and you definitely broke her nose.” She said trying to calm me down. The rage started simmering down and I now felt overwhelmed as tears welled in my eyes. “Hey, Baby, you’re okay. What’s wrong?” Kie asked, her thumb stroking my cheek. “I-I don’t know, I cry when I’m angry, and when I’m sad, and when I’m overwhelmed. I just cry a lot.” I explained. ”I know you cry a lot Sunshine. I just don’t know why you’re crying now.” Kie stroked my hair and wrapped one arm around me holding me against her.

I calmed down, and pulled away from Kie slightly. “I love you.” I spoke softly. “I love you so fucking much Y/N/N.” Kie said in between kisses to my forehead, cheeks, nose, and finally my lips.

After my moment with Kie we went into the bathroom so I could wash the blood of my hands and see the damage to my hands. My knuckles were already starting to bruise and it was not going to be pretty.

🦋💖🦋💖🦋💖

A/N: I know this was probably not good but if you read it thank you :). Also this is not edited or revised so sorry for any mistakes.

[sunarintavouz]

Be In Love

Description: It all started when Sakusa agreed to be Atsumu’s date at an old teammate’s wedding. 

And that’s when Sakusa realized that his feelings were fucked. 

Pairings: Sakuatsu (side Sunakita and Osaaka)

Words: 3438 (incomplete)

Sakusa Kiyoomi enters the fast food chain, furrowing his eyebrows as he doesn’t like the ambiance it gives off, he isn’t the type to eat fast food meals but the person he was meeting sent the chain as their meeting place.

Said person is on the corner by the four-person table--eating. Kiyoomi sits in front of him, but wasn’t completely fazed by him. 

“Miya-san” he calls impatiently. 

Atsumu places his burger down. Smiling at the younger who seems to be grumpier than earlier.

“Omi-kun, how many times do I have to say you can call me ‘Tsumu” the blond smiles.

“And I told you not to call me Omi-kun,” Kiyoomi replied. “Why did you even call me? And why even here?”

“I am craving burgers excuse me” Atsumu shrugs, but seconds later he grabs something from the pocket of his coat. Kiyoomi picks it up from the table--it was an invitation, all wrinkled and ripped.

“Kita Shinsuke. Suna Rintarou. Wedding” he reads. The names do ring a bell, but Kiyoomi couldn’t quite put a finger on it. 

“They’re my old teammates” Atsumu stated without him asking. “And Kita’s my ex-boyfriend”

“Oh” Kiyoomi thought, feeling a heavy burden on his shoulders. “I don’t know what it has to do with me” Actually he does, Kiyoomi knows this stuff too much. He has known Atsumu for too long. Maybe two years is enough to know that the older takes too much pride in himself, he always wanted to be in the spotlight or if not, at least be able to blend in. 

Kiyoomi knows wedding stuff, dates, watching two people exchange vows and kiss in front of a crowd, plus the foods and dances. Atsumu wants to atleast have pride in him enough to attend his ex-lover’s wedding. 

And that’s where Kiyoomi enters. 

“Accompany me on their wedding….err, I just want an accompany so that I won’t be lonely” he stated. 

“Osamu?”

“He’s bringing Akaashi” Atsumu interjects quickly, followed by a deep sigh. 

“You know me for many years Omi-kun. I actually don’t want to attend, but it’ll make me look like a bitter ex-boyfriend--” “Why? Because you haven’t moved on from him?”

Atsumu became quiet. Kiyoomi got his answers. 

“No wonder”

Atsumu smiles bitterly, brushing his blond hair out of frustration. “Let’s not get into it Omi-kun. Look, do you want to accompany me or not?”

“Depends, what do I get for having myself be dragged into this mess” 

“Ugh Omi-kun” 

“I’m just kidding Miya-san,” Kiyoomi laughs, making Atsumu look at him.

“Sure, I’ll accompany you” 

-

Kiyoomi wonders what spell Atsumu casted on him that made him say yes. 

It was a rainy Saturday morning when Atsumu picked him up from his apartment. The sun is still hiding behind the clouds and drizzle of raindrops are falling on the car. There was a weird tense inside the car that the younger couldn’t quite figure out. Atsumu looks so nervous yet serious while driving. 

Maybe it was because he’s on his way to his ex-boyfriend’s wedding, of course that’ll be the reason. Stupid Kiyoomi, he grunts silently by his thoughts. Looking to the window next to him to see where the destination will be.

“It’s a garden wedding near a cliff below the ocean. Enough to see the sunset exactly the time of the wedding ceremony. It’ll be beautiful and wonderful, just like what Kita-san dreamt of” Atsumu stated, making Kiyoomi glance at him. 

“Are you sure that you weren’t the one who organized the wedding?” Kiyoomi butts out a joke.

“No” the latter bitterly replies. “But he keeps on babbling how our wedding would look like back then” 

There was a moment of silence between them, the drive was still long and Kiyoomi can’t bear the awkward atmosphere both of them made. 

“You nervous?”

“That’s a funny question Omi-kun. Of course, who wouldn’t be nervous about attending their ex-boyfriend’s wedding?”

And the fact that he’s not over Kita, Atsumu’s hands are sweating cold as he drives towards the venue. He was not really planning on attending it but his jerk of a twin brother Osamu beat him out of it. All he had to do was endure it, he was just lucky that he had Kiyoomi to accompany him. It was funny, he thinks. How he managed to convince Kiyoomi to say yes. 

“You know that you can just not attend right?” Kiyoomi convinces. 

But instead of answering him, Atsumu steps on the gas pedal even harder, driving faster than the usual pace. Kiyoomi kept quiet as he didn't want to bother his friend anymore. 

-

The venue was breathtaking, Kiyoomi thinks. The sun was shining when they arrived at the mentioned venue. There were only a few people there, maybe 50 or a hundred he counts. The color motif was aligned with neutral tones and no exaggerated designs can be found, it seems like the couple decided on a minimal wedding. 

“God Omi-kun, even here ya have to wear a mask?” Atsumu complains as they step out of the car. 

“Yes” he replied shortly, a hundred people is still a crowd after all. 

The two of them walked towards the garden where chairs are aligned, Kiyoomi can recognize some of them, probably people whom he met back in high school during the Nationals. Atsumu seemed to be off from his tenses, greeting his old teammates whom he found in the middle of the crowd. 

Kiyoomi was about to follow him when a hand grabbed his shoulders lightly making him turn around. 

“Komori?” 

“I knew it was you!” his cousin laughs, they met last week but Kiyoomi wasn’t able to tell him that he’ll attend the wedding and it was surprising of him to bumped into Motoya here.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, noticing the baby blue suit of Motoya plus the lilac brooch on his right chest. 

“It’s Sunarin’s wedding dummy! Of course the whole ejp team is here, but me and Washio are the best man” Motoya said proudly. Kiyoomi only nods, he almost forgot that his cousin is teammates with Rintarou. 

Small world, he thinks.

“How about you? I didn’t know you’re close with them” Motoya interrogates. 

“I am not” he bluntly says. “Atsumu asked me to accompany him” 

Motoya’s expression changes from a teasing one, making Kiyoomi glare at him. 

“Don’t think of it in a wrong way”

“Oh I am certainly not thinking of it in a wrong way” Motoya defends but there’s a smug smile on his face. 

But before their conversation could go longer, their attention was called by the wedding planner---the wedding is about to start in a few minutes.

“Well, I have to find Washio now. Goodluck on your date” Motoya says.

“It’s not a date” he sneers but Motoya only laughed at him and left him there.

“There you are!” Kiyoomi turns around to see Atsumu walking towards him. “I’ve been looking everywhere for ya!”

“I bumped into Komori, he’s also here,” Kiyoomi explains.

Atsumu only hums. “Yeah, heard he is Rin’s best man, but anyways, we should go back to our chairs, ‘Samu saved us some” 

Kiyoomi only followed the older towards the chairs. A few guests were already seated there and the two of them chose the seat on the right, Kiyoomi can recognize a few people around them--and he was right, they’re seated beside the old Inarizaki team.

In front of the altar there stood Suna Rintarou, wearing a white coat suit with his hands held together in a fist, he looked so calm as he was smiling from ear to ear. 

“It’s not obvious but I bet Rin’s nervous as fuck” Osamu taunted making Kiyoomi and Atsumu look at him.

“Who wouldn’t be nervous, he’s marrying the Kita Shinsuke” Hitoshi jokes. 

“But look at ‘Tsumu, he’s not marrying Kita-san but he looks more nervous than Rin” Osamu teases making Atsumu punch him on the shoulders. Osamu fought back but Atsumu didn't want to be the sour loser.

“Goddamnit you two even in Shinsuke’s wedding, the two of you will still make a scene” Aran fumes. 

“Yeah! You two tone it down won’t ya? That’s embarrassing for your boyfriends” Michinari stated.

Osamu stops first, calming down as Keiji holds his hands. Atsumu only grunts, facing back towards the altar as Kiyoomi could only glance at him. 

The music began playing which made everyone stand up to give respect to the groom. Kiyoomi turned around and saw Shinsuke in his white suit, holding a bouquet of lilacs and white roses. He was smiling from ear to ear as he slowly walked onto the aisle. It was breathtaking, the sun is about to set in a few minutes and all Kiyoomi can thinks is how the purple-pink and orange sky made the ambiance more lovely and warm, everyone was smiling as they witnessed Rintarou accept Shinsuke’s hands and as they faced each other, the two of them let out a soft chuckle, embarrassed like two teenage boys who just confessed their first love to each other. 

Everything feels like they’re in euphoria, but when Kiyoomi remembers the reason why he was here in the first place, he had the intuition to look at Atsumu. 

Atsumu with his eyes locked on the gray-haired man who’s brightly looking at somebody else--it must have taken him a lot of courage to go here and witness all of these. Kiyoomi can see, he has a smile plastered on his face. But the latter knows that deep inside he’s not fine. 

Still, Kiyoomi doesn’t want to think about it for a moment.

-

The ceremony ended quickly. Now Kiyoomi is in a large rounded table with some of the old Inarizaki team at the reception. The dinner ended quickly with the host presenting the newly-wed couple. Doing some traditions like toasting the glass of wine and slicing the cake. Aran and Osamu had the opportunity to share their stories about Rintarou and Shinsuke making the atmosphere more livelier as their bright and funny stories bring ease that the couple were always meant to be. 

Kiyoomi was trying to enjoy it. Trying to socialize with Atsumu’s old team or maybe try to find his cousin to talk with, but his mind was somewhere else. He can’t help but ponder what is running inside Atsumu’s head at the moment. 

“Let us now all welcome the couple’s first dance! Anyone who wants to dance with their significant other can join our newly-wed couple on the dance floor.” the host announces. 

Another bright song starts to play, Rintarou drags a shy Shinsuke in the middle, getting a lot of teasing from the crowd. At first, the older was hesitant but later on, places his arms around Rintarou’s shoulders as they dance slowly to the song. 

“Keiji?” Kiyoomi hears Osamu’s voice. 

“That’s embarrassing of you ‘Samu” the latter chuckles but still accepts Osamu’s offer to dance with him. 

Kiyoomi looked at all the couples’ flooding the dance floor. Everyone was on their own world, as if the spotlight was on them. Kiyoomi can’t help but smile as he saw his cousin dancing with the person he’s been pining on. Finally, Kiyoomi thinks. Motoya now has the confidence to talk to him. 

But the smile faded as he heard Atsumu grunt loudly. He glances at him who wasn’t looking at the dance floor. 

“Do you wanna dance?” Kiyoomi asked out of nowhere. 

“I don’t dance Kiyoomi” Atsumu answers. 

“Oh”

“But do you care if you join me for a walk?” the blond interjects

Kiyoomi nods. Maybe a walk can lighten up Atsumu’s mood. 

The sky looks more prettier in pitch black with glittering stars scattered. Kiyoomi looks up as he follows Atsumu somewhere far from the reception. Not noticing that they’ve reached the end of the place. They’re near the edge of the cliff, the waves crashing on the rocks below can be heard just like how the wind blew more strongly. 

Quietly, the two of them stared at the vast ocean. It was dim there but Kiyoomi can see the bitter smile on Atsumu’s lips. 

“He always wanted a wedding like these.” Atsumu started. Kiyoomi only kept his silence, waiting for another word to slip out of the older’s mouth. 

“An afternoon wedding where the sun is setting then a night reception where the ambiance is much cooler. He doesn’t need extravagant decorations but he was picky on the flowers. Kita-san wants lilacs, it symbolizes innocence and purity, like a high school love. He always knows that he’ll find love in his high school days” the latter laughs sarcastically. “But I guess that wasn’t me” 

“Did the two of you...dated back in high school?” Kiyoomi asked. 

“No. But I confessed to him back in high school. He told me he’ll wait for me and he did, we dated when I was in college, we’ve been together for two years. That’s enough right?” Kiyoomi only nods even though he doesn’t understand what Atsumu was pointing out. “That was enough to be assured by your future with him. It was enough to think that everything was settled and there’s nothing to be worried about” 

“Are you mad at Suna-san?” 

“Not at all. Because if I do, then what the hell am I doing here?” Atsumu pointed out

“I’m confused Miya-san” Kiyoomi lets out a chuckle. 

“Don’t call me that Omi-kun, Osamu’s a Miya too” 

Kiyoomi thinks that Atsumu only too brokenhearted that he’s now babbling random stuff. He wasn’t bitter, that’s what the younger is sure. Atsumu only needed air to breathe in and absorb things, he wasn’t able to answer Kiyoomi’s question but the latter ignored it, what matters is Atsumu right now. The two remained quiet, leaning against the railings of the cliff, Atsumu was looking at the raven-blue ocean underneath him while Kiyoomi looked up at the sky, the clouds fading slowly to show the full moon of spring’s night. It was cold and windy and yet the warm presence of each other gave them ease and tranquility. 

“We should go back now, I need another glass of wine,” Atsumu suggested. 

Kiyoomi forehead’s creased. “I’m driving tonight if you got drunk” 

Atsumu only laughs at him.

As they went back to their table, Kiyoomi noticed two familiar faces with them. Atsumu stops abruptly as Shinsuke turns around to give them a smile.

“There you are! I’ve been looking for ya everywhere” Shinsuke brightly greeted. 

“We went for a walk, have you met Omi-kun?” Atsumu introduces, Shinsuke only gave Kiyoomi a small wave before he quickly turned his attention to Atsumu. “Do you mind if I can borrow you for a moment?” 

Atsumu quickly glances at Kiyoomi who only gave him a reassuring smile. Hesitant at first, the blond only looked at Shinsuke for a minute but later on, accepted the groom’s request. 

“And with that, I am keeping you company,” Rintarou laughs as he sits next to Kiyoomi. A glass of wine was toasted to each other as both of them looked at Shinsuke and Atsumu dancing. 

“You know I never expect Atsumu to attend our wedding” Rintarou started. “And I never expect him to have you as his date, Motoya’s cousin” 

“Why do you think of that?” he asked with much curiosity. 

“Maybe because it was for the fact that I stole Shinsuke from him?” Kiyoomi glances at him with a disgusted look.

“Kidding! They broke up when Shinsuke and I started dating so don’t come at me alright?” Rintarou replies smugly. “But it’s nice to think that you’re here” 

“Were you expecting me”

Rintarou hums. “I kinda know you through Motoya’s stories, he always told me that you’re not that great at socializing with other people this and that, blah blah blah but! You’re here and as Atsumu’s date”

“Miya-san’s not my date” Kiyoomi clarifies. 

“Date or not, you still agreed to accompany him, and as I based it from Motoya’s stories, you don’t like socializing. So if I connect the dots” Rintarou snaps his fingers. “Atsumu must be really something for ya” 

Something? Rintarou must have misunderstood him. Atsumu is just annoying and a jerk in the eyes of Kiyoomi, why would he mean something for him?

Alright so what if even though he’s annoying, Kiyoomi still enjoys the company of Atsumu? Atsumu may be a jerk but he’s a great person inside, it's just that, his annoying attitude comes out more often which irritates Kiyoomi and yet, the black-haired man won’t hesitate to say yes when Atsumu ask for favors, he knows that if he rejects it, the blond would be pestering him till he say yes. 

What does a person have to be something to mean to a certain someone? What does Miya Atsumu have and did to be told that he means something to Sakusa Kiyoomi? Maybe in the two years of being teammates Kiyoomi knows him more than the rest, maybe because Kiyoomi was there when Atsumu gets homesick or if he just wants to practice more, Kiyoomi is willing to spike his sets? Was all of that mean so much that all Kiyoomi thinks during the whole wedding day was thinking if Atsumu was fine? 

“Shit” he muttered. 

Kiyoomi likes Atsumu.

“Oh dear” Rintarou laughs. “Did you just realized that you like Atsumu?” the latter teases. 

“I don’t know” his words fall off quietly. He doesn’t know if what he was feeling right now for Atsumu is a liking. Maybe respect can be the word but no, that’s way too different. “How do you even tell if you like a person?”

Rintarou took a sip on his wine. “I guess you’re one of the people who doesn’t fall in love that often”

“I’m not that coldhearted Suna-san” 

“Maybe I should ask your cousin then,” 

Kiyoomi became quiet by that, letting the groom think whatever he wanted. His eyes wandered at Atsumu and Shinsuke. They were both still dancing but now they were talking. Atsumu looks so frightened, as if he was dancing with a boy made out of thin ice. Shinsuke surely is Atsumu’s first love. 

There’s no way Atsumu can get over him. 

The wedding ended within the midnight followed by a small fireworks display and sparkles which everyone adored and enjoyed. It took a while for Kiyoomi to see the bright smile on Atsumu’s face. After the dance, he was more relaxed than before and Kiyoomi must admit that Shinsuke must be really something. 

On their way back home, Atsumu was smiling from ear-to-ear which bugs the daylights out of Kiyoomi, as if earlier he looks so constipated. 

“Are you drunk?” Kiyoomi asked. 

Atsumu laughed at him. Kiyoomi takes that answer that he is drunk. 

“Omi-kun lighten up! I am fine, I can drive see?”

“You’re overspeeding at a steep road” the younger pointed out

“Let me drive in peace will ya?”

Kiyoomi lets him. Afterall, he wasn't ready to be in a conversation with Atsumu all alone after the conversation he had with Rintarou, he is freaking out deep inside! His forehead creases by the thought, him freaking out because of Miya Atsumu? Doesn't sound like him--which is also the reason why! He was freaking out. 

“Hey. You’ve been quiet, what got into you?” Atsumu asked suddenly

“You told me to let you drive in peace” the latter stated. 

“Yeah but being too quiet is not peaceful” 

“We have music Miya-san”

“Just talk to me Omi-kun!” 

Surprised, Kiyoomi’s eyes widened by Atsumu’s request. Heart starts beating fast that his fear and worries disappeared. He looked at the blond who’s eyes now focused on the road, Atsumu wasn’t that mad but it hinted despair in his tone. What exactly is going with him?

Kiyoomi let’s out a sigh as he leans his head against the headrest. “What happened?” 

Atsumu’s forehead creases. “What do you mean?”

“Back then, when it was just you and Kita-san dancing”

Atsumu hums for a second “He was glad that I went to his wedding,” but then smiles sadly. “And that I wasn’t lonely” 

“Is he thinking that--”

“We’re together? Yeah” the blond chuckles bitterly. “I mean no offense Omi-kun, yer hot but--”

“And bold of you to think that I would date your piss hair” Atsumu clutches onto his heart, acting like he was hurt. “God Omi-kun! That hurts you know?”

“Good”

Atsumu pouts. “Omi-kun yer always bad at me,” then, he lets out a sigh. “But you know what Omi-kun, I am glad that you accompanied me. Thank you” 

“It’s nothing Miya-san,” Kiyoomi said with a blunt tone but deep inside he was also glad to accompany the latter.

[bluevlvts]

“this is unbelievable. this is just unbelievable. it’s just completely and one hundred percent…”

“unbelievable,” a soft voice supplied for him.

“i’m being a little bitch, aren’t I?” he asked not really expecting an answer, fully knowing he was in fact being a little bitch.

sabrina didn’t answer. she didn’t need to answer. instead, she kicked out the chair that sat next to her. ollie immediately stopped his pacing and huffing around the sunny and warm kitchen, pausing just a moment to gather himself before he turned fully to face the tiny redhead that sat perched on the worn wooden chair. he dragged a hand down his face before letting out a rough laugh. ollie knew better than to fight her, plopping down in the seat and letting his head crash down to the table, using his arms as a pillow. he didn’t flinch when he felt a warm hand gently rub his back until he moved to his head.

he finally released the tension from his shoulders and letting his body relax. he knew he wasn’t free from the lingering pain and anger that was brewing inside of him, but it was hard to stay worked up when in the presence of sabrina. he wasn’t sure if it the maturity that came with getting older or just being a mom that had created this wise creature that sat before him. not to say she wasn’t smart or kind when she was younger. she had been those things and more, but it seemed more pronounced now in a way that only a lifetime of living could give you. when ollie looks at her, he’s only ever seen yellow. warm, comforting, sunshine in a tiny bottle.

it wasn’t just sabrina that offered him comfort during the worst moments of his life, but this house was so wrapped up in love and good memories that just stepping through the door made him feel like he would be okay. there was magic in every corner of the crawford house.

from evan’s guitar that sat in the corner to the colorful array of artwork that hung against the fridge and even the walls. to the worn-down appliances from daily usage. this house, especially this kitchen, was well used, well loved, and housing a myriad of stories. ollie lost count of how many times he spent saturday mornings having breakfast or their ritual sunday dinners. this was the only place that truly felt like home to ollie.

his own place was superficial and empty. only a place that he could rest his head when he had any bit of off time. he would be lying if didn’t feel bitter and jealous every now and then when he came home and the quiet settling around him. there was no joyous laughter filling the hallways. there was no pitter patter of tiny feet, begging to stay up an extra an hour or so. watching it all unfold for the two people he loved most in this world made him beyond happy, but the pain always settled back in once he was alone with his thoughts.

it was the future he had wanted so badly when he was younger. the future that he thought he was so close to having until suddenly he wasn’t. to get so lucky to find your soulmate so young…ollie felt almost invincible. that his future was set in stone. that they could have kept the darkness at bay and not let it touch whatever tiny golden paradise they had found within each other. he had been under the impression that it would be so easy. that the future they talked about in whispers late at night in the dark was within reach.

if ollie had known that the time they had together would be over before he could blink, he might had held on a little tighter. look at him more. touch him more. kiss him harder. maybe then he would be left satisfied. maybe it wouldn’t feel like a weight was dragging his heart down whenever he thought about brown curly hair and soft pale skin. of shy longing looks and stolen kisses.

“do you want a cup of tea? maybe some water? we even have apple juice, but I think evan has chugged most of it,” sabrina’s soft voice filtered through his thoughts, humor tracing her words as she continued to gently ease him like she would one of her kids. it made him miss being young and wrapped up in his mother’s arms. the last time was when…well…he tried not to think about it. the tiny crawford demons truly had no idea how lucky they were.

“have any whiskey? what about vodka?” his voice was muffled but clear. he laughed and muttered out an ow when he felt sabrina tug at his hair, finally lifting his head to stare at her.

she didn’t have to say it out loud. it was written on her face and in her eyes. you’ve been through worse.

“I don’t know how I fucked it up so badly. it’s honestly amazing how badly I fucked it up. do you think he hates me?”

“yes.” sabrina said bluntly.

ollie blew out a breath and shook his head, “you’re supposed to be making me feel better. you think I came here to get jam stuck on my good jeans? how the hell do the gremlins manage to get shit everywhere”

“you came here because you knew I would be honest and it would distract you from your thoughts,” she said before adding gently, “plus, you love me. and the gremlins.”

“I would die for you and the gremlins.”

sabrina quickly reached back out to grasp his hand, giving it a squeeze. ollie in turn twisted it around to hold her hand tightly. “I don’t know if it’s going to make you feel any better or worse, but it’s not the end of the world and cillian will be okay. he will. maybe not right now, maybe not next month. but eventually he will be okay.”

ollie sighed and straightened up in the chair, staring ahead at the fridge, mesmerized by the sea of colors that covered it. “I just wish we could have a conversation now. he won’t take my calls and I’m…I’m frustrated. i can’t let it end like this. doesn’t he want closure?”

“sweetie, he’ll come to you when he’s ready, and if that mean’s he never does then that’s it. I’m positive he’s got all the closure he needs, there’s no need to rub salt in an open wound for both of you. he won’t hate you forever; it’s too hard to hate you.”

ollie let out a ragged sigh and closed his eyes as a brief moment of anguish rolled over him. she was right. of course, she was right, but it was nagging on him that it had ended so badly. ollie was so desperate to explain that cillian was wrong. he wasn’t hanging on to old memories or letting him get in the way of this relationship. the he had moved on. he wasn’t entirely sure he even wanted to get married. but ollie knew he was only lying to himself. and lying even further to cillian would only make it worse. ollie couldn’t bear to hurt him even further. the man did make him happy, if only for a brief moment of time.

ollie knew he craved one final conversation because it’s what he never got. it’s hard to let go of your ghost when it left behind so many unanswered questions. not knowing if it had been him that drove him away. and if that wasn’t the case, then why hadn’t ollie been enough to make him stay.

“I miss him.”

the words were barely above a whisper, but they sound like a gunshot in the silence that rested over the kitchen. it felt like a hand was grasping his chest, making it hard to breathe. ollie was embarrassed to feel the burning sensation in his eyes, roughly clear his throat to drive away the tears that threatened to fall. when he looked back up at sabrina, the devastation on her face was crystal clear, but there was something else there he couldn’t place. it could have been guilt or maybe just sadness, but it was gone as quickly as it came. she linked her fingers through his, holding his hand even tighter. as if she could simply ease is pain by taking it on herself.

ollie wasn’t sure how much time had passed at the sat connected in companionable silence before the fog from his head. ”it’s quiet.”

sabrina hummed her response, still content in sitting there with her hand wrapped in his.

”no, it’s quiet. it’s too quiet.” ollie narrowed his eyes and glanced around the kitchen, as if evan was suddenly going to pop in and try to throw ollie over his shoulder. “where are the tiny gremlins and their ugly leader?”

sabrina let out a startled laugh, loosening her hold on ollie’s hands. ollie wouldn’t have thought twice, but there was a nervous energy that surrounded her now. a confused smile spread over his face, watching her flounder for a second. the only time he had seen her this flustered was whenever someone mentioned her super obvious crush on evan. she was hesitating, and ollie’s stomach suddenly dropped.

”is everything okay?”

her silence filled the void, leaving his question unanswered. It was his turn to grasp her hand tightly, holding onto her to offer her comfort, if it was even needed.

”you and evan? you guys okay?”

sabrina let out the breath she had been holding, practically sagging in her seat before she gently pulled her hand out from his to grasp his arm.

“Oh, my god! Of course! no, no, no. we’re completely fine. me and that idiot are for life. he just took the kids away for a week-end getaway.

it was ollie’s turn to sag with relief. it didn’t hit him until now just how devastating the thought of a world without sabrina and evan together would be. ollie laughed, the first true and light laugh he had all day, and sabrina laughed in return. her’s still slightly awkward and strained.

“what has you so worked up? i’m 50% positive evan can handle a weekend taking care of kids without maiming or seriously injuring himself. I hope.”

sabrina only looked down at the table, picking at a tiny splinter of wood that had peeled back. ”he took them to ians.”

her words were so soft that ollie was lucky to barely make it out. if he’s being honest, the only word he did hear was ian. the name rang through him like a shotgun blast. his smile frozen on his face,

”are you fucking with me?” the longer the silence between them spread, growing tighter and tighter and no longer full of comfort, the faster ollie’s heart started to race. his smile slowly dropping from his face, watching sabrina sit there and pick and pick and pick.

”sabrina, what’s going on?”

she still refused to even look at him. the only tell tale sign that she was even listening was the small tremor that went through her hand.

”sabrina.”

his voice growing rougher, trying his best to contain the growing storm that was brewing inside of him. the wild energy that now filled him couldn’t be ignored, slamming his hand down on the table hard and loud. watching sabrina jump and flinch made him recoil only a tiny bit, and he knew he would severely regret it later when he was left alone with his thoughts, but he couldn’t take another minute of unanswered questions. not when it came to this. not when it came to ian. she finally rested from picking at the table, growing courage to face him head-on.

”evan took the kids for the week-end to visit ian. at his cabin.”

ollie couldn’t only stare back at her. in confusion and disbelief. he shook his head once and then once more. he wasn’t sure if he was telling her ‘no, you’re lying to me’, in denial about what she was saying, or if he could shake his thoughts free…maybe it will clear enough for a levelheaded response.

”where?”

“ollie…”

”where”

ollie yelled loud and clear. there was no use in controlling himself because he was past the point of self-control. he could just add it to the list of moments he used to fill his self-loathing. ”how long have you know where he was?”

when she finally looked up at him, her eyes filled with stark devastation and her face pale. it felt like a punch to the gut. ”you knew. you knew the whole god damn time.”

it wasn’t a question at this point. he pushed himself out of the chair and away from here, letting the chair fall against the floor before he turned back to her.one minute he was standing the next he was crouching, doing his best to catch his breath as it raced in and out, tugging at his hair to bring him back to earth.

warm hands were pulling at his, trying to offer comfort and love. or maybe trying to ease her own guilt. ollie pushed her hands away, standing back up and putting his back to her. his ears filled with a roaring wave, broken please and sorry’ s carrying through the sound. the second her hand touched his back, he came back down and rushed away from her touch. ”I can’t do this right now.”

maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if it hadn’t been sabrina. honestly, when he was calmer about this, he would have to give evan props for keeping it a secret. willow he expected this. no matter how close the two of them became over the years after ian left, ian would always be her top priority when it came to his mental health and safety. but sabrina. he didn’t realize she was even capable of a betrayal this deep. and he knew, in the back of his head, that she was only protecting both of them, she loved them both. ollie couldn’t manage rational thought at the moment.

she was there to make sure he got out of bed, dragging him along to third wheel dates. taking him out to eat just the two of them, making sure he was actually eating. she had been there when he read that fucking letter, holding his hand until he cried himself to sleep. it hurt – deeply. he had meant to rush out the door, heading to the sanctuary of his car. this kitchen felt like the walls were caving in. the house felt cold instead of the warmth it usually offered. yet he couldn’t get his feet to move. all he could manage was a soft please. it took him a minute to turn around, looking her dead in the eye.

”please. I need to know.”

she stared at him; face covered in tears. even through his haze of anger, he felt a pinch of regret. if or when evan came to kick his ass, he would allow it. no matter how angry he was with her, and evan, he hated seeing her in despair. she only hesitated for a moment before she was moving, grabbing a piece of old artwork one of the kids drew and the closets pen. her hands moved lightening fast against the paper before she folded it, grabbing his hand to place it in his.

”I’m sorry. I love you.”

ollie took in a deep breath, feeling too many emotions at once. honestly, he wasn’t entirely sure what he felt, but he knew he was going to crash the second he was home. his hands shook as he pulled his hands from hers. he quickly walked away from sabrina, his steps brisk and strong before he paused at the kitchen doorway. he couldn’t fully face her yet, still filled with too much anger and regret.

”I know. I love you, too.”

he didn’t waste another second, rushing towards the door and for the fresh air. the piece of paper gripped tightly in his hands in fear that he would lose it. his entire world was about to change. he wasn’t entirely sure yet if this was a good thing or bad. he would worry about that tomorrow

[adultingautistic]

help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

-          may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

-          may feel as though you are always on stage

-          may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

-          may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

-          may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

-          may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

-          may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

-          may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

-          may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

-          may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

-          may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

-          may struggle to process visual or auditory information

-          may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

-          may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

-          may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

-          may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize.  They do not have scripts.  They do not write them, memorize them, or use them.  They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not.  People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT!  I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking.  What you told me here are your life experiences.  I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world.  This is not fake.  This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD.  You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD.  You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.  

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional.  But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD.  Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me).  Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you.  So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out.  You’re not faking, you’re not making it up.  These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.  

[cauliflowercounty]

The Babysitter (Clyde Logan x Reader)

Warnings:  None

-----     

     A buzzing erupts from Clyde's pocket and he grumbles in return, putting down his beer on the coffee table in his trailer.  He hates his phone, to be honest.  The buttons are too small for his fingers and it takes him forever to respond to anyone one-handed, but Mellie insists he needs one, saying he’ll “never know when his back’ll be against the wall” or something like that.  He fumbles around in his pocket for the device and pulls it out, recognizing that Mellie is actually the one calling him now.  

     “Hey, Mel.  Is everythin’ okay?” he asks after raising the phone to his ear after accepting the call. He can hear music in the background and people cheering.  “I know you’re goin’ on a date now.  Need me to pick you up?”

     “No, Clyde.  The date is going great, actually,” Mellie insists and Clyde’s chest relaxes.  He hates the thought of his little sister on a disastrous date, but he’ll be there for her if it is.  “You know Jimmy is to have Sadie and this week since Bobbie Jo and Moody are out of town on vacation and the Chapman kids are at their aunt’s place, right?”

     “Yeah, Mel,” Clyde replies as he remembers how ecstatic Jimmy was when he got the call from Bobbie Jo saying he could have Sadie for longer than an afternoon.  

     “Jimmy had to go on an extra-long shift at the hardware store... somethin’ about them bein’ short-handed.  He left her with me for the whole day, but I had this date and I couldn’t cancel.  I did get a babysitter for Sadie, the one Sadie really likes- thank goodness she could come- but I forgot to leave her a check,” Mellie explains wearily.  “Hold on, David.  I’m talkin’ to my brother!  Sorry about that, Clyde.  Her pay is $50.  I’ll pay you back the next time I see you.  Could you do this just this once, please?”

    “O’course,” he says immediately.  “She at your place?”

     “Yeah.  Thanks, Clyde.  I’ll call y/n to tell her that you’re stoppin’ by,” Mellie says into the phone and hangs up. Clyde puts his beer into the fridge and pulls on one of his flannels.  Grabbing his car keys and his checkbook, he heads out the door and hops in his car, quickly arriving at Mellie’s.  He walks up to the door and knocks twice. Immediately, he hears some shouting coming from behind it.  The door swings open wildly and Sadie throws herself into Clyde’s arms.

     “Hey, Uncle Clyde!” Sadie exclaims.  Clyde smiles down at Sadie, immediately noticing that she’s got some eye shadow and mascara on with a little bit of eyeliner to match.  “Y/n and I are doing some makeup!  She’s helping me try out new things and then we’re gonna make a tiramisu!  It’s chocolate, and coffee... ladyfingers, and this fancy cheese called mar... marn... What is it, y/n?”

     “Marscapone,” you say to Sadie, coming into view from the other room with a tube of lip gloss in your hand, and Clyde’s heart jumpstarts and his cheeks flush a light rose.  Your smile is beautiful he can tell you like being around Sadie. “Found that lip gloss you were wanting, Sadie.  Do you think you like this color or do you think we should choose a pinker one?”

     “I like this one!  Thanks, y/n!” Sadie shouts, rushing over to take the tube from you then dashing to the bathroom for a mirror.  

     “Don’t go crazy, now!” you call as she ducks out of sight.  You turn to Clyde with a warm smile.  “Hi.  I’m y/n.  You must be Clyde.  Mellie called to say her brother was coming,” you say with a little blush.  You hadn’t expected Clyde to be this tall and handsome, then again he was related to both Mellie and Jimmy.  You reach out your hand to shake his.

     “Hi...,” Clyde trails off, enamored with you.  He shakily extends his hand, too.  Your grip is firm and confident, yet delicate.  As he’s shaking your hand he notices his heart is racing a mile a minute.  Nervous, he retracts his hand and he looks down to make eye contact as you smile to him.  “Well, I was supposed to come by and drop you off a check...”

     Clyde reaches into his pocket, taking out his checkbook and quickly scribbling on it with a nearby pen as Sadie comes back, skipping to his side.

     “What do you think, Uncle Clyde?” she says gleefully, doing a small twirl.

     “It looks great,” he says to his nice.

     “Hey, Uncle Clyde.  Guess what,” Sadie says in a sing-song voice.

     “What is it, Sadie?” 

     “Y/n is readin’ that book that you were a week ago!”  Sadie explains.  “Y/n likes readin’, too.  She’s read all the classics that you have.  And her favorite book is the same!”

     Clyde feels his cheeks get hot and there’s a small part of him that twinges in disbelief. He’d have expected you to be quite opposite him and it’s almost too good to be true, what Sadie is saying.

     “Y’know, y/n. My Uncle Clyde is a bartender.  He owns his own place of the highway.  It’s called Duck Tape.  Like duct tape, but what people say when they don’t know it’s for air ducts,” Sadie rambles.  His heart swelling, Clyde wonders why he never met you in the past and how good a match you two’d be based on what Sadie’s said.  “Y/n likes some of the same things you do, Uncle Clyde.  She likes her bacon burnt and good drinks.  I know that because I over-hear her and Daddy talkin’ sometimes after they think I’ve gone to bed.  She likes old country music classics, too, and Bob Seger.”

     “Okay, okay.  That’s enough, Sadie,” you smile to her.  “I’m going to get out the ingredients.  And Clyde?”

     Clyde’s ears perk up and his heart warms at the sound of his name coming off your lips.  He could definitely get used to that sound.  

     “Thanks for dropping off the check.  I don’t know why Mellie insisted it happen tonight and dragged you into this.  It really wasn’t a big issue I wasn’t paid tonight, but I’m thankful you’re here,” you say softly, disappearing into the kitchen.  As soon as you’re out of the room, Sadie rushes up to Clyde again.

    “What do you think, Uncle Clyde?” she whispers to him.

     “What do you mean, Sadie?”

     “Of y/n.  She likes all the stuff you like.  And she’s single,” Sadie adds, trying to get Clyde to say something about you.  “She had a boyfriend named Derek a while ago.  I didn’t like him.  He was a flake and left her for someone named Mary-Beth.  Aunt Mellie and I agree she deserves better.”

     “You can’t be implyin’ what I think you are, Sadie.”

     “I am, Uncle Clyde.  You should ask her out,” Sadie insists.

     “I just met her, Sadie,” Clyde replies, wishing he could ask you out, imagining you both sitting at a table in a nice restaurant.  He’d wear a suit and you’d look lovely.  You’d talk, laugh, eat, bond and at the end of the night, he’d drive you home, hold your hands and say he enjoyed the night and hopes you’ll do it again.  “I would be inappropriate...”

     “But-” Sadie begins to protest, but just as she starts, Mellie comes through the door.  As soon as Mellie sees Clyde, she sighs.

     “You were right, Clyde.  The date was a bust,” Mellie admits, throwing her keys down.  “Sorry I had to leave you, Sadie, but I see you and y/n are havin’ fun.”

     “We were just about to start cookin’,” Sadie smiles.  “Tiramisu!”

     “Welcome back, Mellie,” you say, coming back into the room

     “Thank you so much, y/n.  I owe you a favor,” Mellie smiles.  

     “It’s nothing.  Sadie here,” you say giving her a hug.  “... is so much fun.”

     You say your goodbyes and leave, closing the door behind you and Clyde is sad to see you go.  He watches through the window shades as you turn your lights on, back out, drive away.  A twinge of regret washes over him and his heart that was soaring only moments ago has hit rock bottom again.  Clyde guesses it’s fate.  It’s the Logan family curse.  

     “Aunt Mellie, he didn't do it!” Sadie complains.  “And we made it so easy for him!  I even laid it out for him just like you said!”

     “Clyde...!” Mellie laughs.  “Did we do all that work for nothin’?  We were tryin’ to set you up with her...”

     “You can’t be serious, Mel,” Clyde gasps, adamantly trying to deny his sister and his niece would ever try something like that.  It’s impossible that anyone would even think Clyde could be with someone like you.

     “Dead serious.  We’ve been wantin’ you and her to meet for months now.  Jimmy’s even in on this, too, Clyde” Mellie explains, crossing her arms.

     “I can’t believe he didn’t pick up on it,” Sadie says to Mellie, whose shoulders relax as she goes up to her brother, placing a hand on his shoulder, knowing partially why he didn’t make a move while it was so easy was because he’s still a little insecure about his arm and unable to believe pretty girls are even capable of liking him.

     “Do you like her, Clyde?”  Mellie asks, looking at her brother in the eyes, hoping he does.

     “Y-yeah...,” Clyde says under his breath, disappointed in himself.  Something good was within his grasp and he let you slip through.  “She seems kind-hearted and sweet.  She didn’t comment on my arm or stare at me like others do.”

     “And she likes reading!” Sadie interjects, making Clyde smile.

     “... and she likes reading,” Clyde grins, thinking of going to a coffee shop or the library with you and spending hours in their curled up with some good books and you.  Mellie exhales, but smiles, grabbing a pen and some notebook paper.

     “Here’s her number, Clyde,” Mellie says.  “Good luck.”

     “Good luck, Uncle Clyde!” Sadie calls as he folds the slip of paper and heads out the door, the excitement back in his heart.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Five months later, Clyde wakes up, groggy from sleep.  He rolls over and wraps his arms around you, running his thumbs over your skin, nuzzling his nose into your neck.  You giggle as his facial hair tickles.

     “Good Morning, Clyde,” you grin, turning to face him, giving him a soft smile.  He mumbles a good morning to you, too, as he places a soft kiss on your lips.  ‘Clyde, I have morning breath!” you laugh, placing your fingertips on his lips.

     “So?” Clyde coos, going back in for another kiss.  “I love you,” he whispers.

     “I love you, too, Clyde,” you reply, wrapping your arms around him, holding him close, hoping you’ll never have to let go.  “Remember we’re meeting up with Jimmy, Mellie, and Sadie for lunch today, so we can’t dawdle.”

    “Mmhmm,” Clyde mumbles.  “Remind me to thank them again for settin’ us up.”

     “You always say that when we go to meet up with them!” you smile with a small chuckle.

     “Well, I owe ‘em a lot.  Without them, we wouldn’t be like this together and I would have missed out on the best five months of my life...,” Clyde beams, looking into your eyes and cupping your cheek tenderly.  

     “You can’t mean that, Clyde.  What about your childhood or your time with your military buddies?” you suggest.  Clyde only shakes his head.

     “No, Darlin’.  You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Clyde replies, holding you tight.  “and I swear to you.  I’m tellin’ the truth and I’m so grateful that you’re here in my life.”

     “The felling’s mutual, Clyde.  Promise me this’ll never end?” you ask, hoping that this risk you’re taking won’t be in vain.

     “Of course.  I’d rather relive the day I lost m’arm on repeat than leave you.”

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.15

“Lance, it’s Keith. Are you in there?”

Hours. Lance had spent hours staring at his ceiling. He’d climbed into his wardrobe, grabbed his box of death soil, and cried himself to sleep. When he’d woken, he’d crawled over to his bed, his box of death soil sitting on his chest with his left hand resting on it as he stared upwards, simply laying there pretending the world outside didn’t exist

“Pidge called the home phone, she saw you’d left your car in town... I don’t know if you want to arrange a pick up, but it’s there”.

Keith being nice didn’t feel right. He didn’t like it all. He appreciated honesty and and Keith honestly hated him. Him being nice meant he was lying through his teeth

“Lance?”

Answering Keith felt like too much effort. So his car was in town, then that meant all he had to do was go pick it up. He could do that. That would mean he wouldn’t have to be home with “Keith the Liar”... That wasn’t being fair. Keith hadn’t... he was making an effort. He was doing the best he could under the circumstances. Keith had human emotions, so trying to get on fell within that range, but if you care for someone that makes killing them all that harder to do. Lance didn’t want to burden Keith with his death, nor did he want to burden Shiro the same way... This was why mixing with humans just wasn’t a done thing.

Climbing to his feet, Lance walked over to window, undoing the latch, a strong breeze filtered over his face as he looked downwards. Fuck it. Going out the front door wasn’t an option, so jumping out the window it was. It’d hurt, but he’d heal. The walk into town would give him space to breathe

“Lance?”

Yep. Fuck it.

Rolling his right ankle, Lance had barely limped around the side of his house and onto his drive before his escape was interrupted. Night was starting to fall, the air growing moister as the cicadas chirped away. Walking at night had never lost its charms when it came to thinking. He didn’t believe that vampires some how gained mystical powers from the moon like werewolves did, but it definitely gave him a pleasant buzz enough kind of buzz

“What the hell?!”

Jogging up along side him, Keith sounded annoyed

“Go back to the house, Keith”

“Did you jump out your window to avoid me?”

Talk about being sprung, Lance pushed down the discomfort of his ankle, speeding up his step, which Keith annoyingly kept up with

“Why would you jump out the window?”

“Why does anyone go around jumping out windows?”

“You could have come down the stairs”

Lance huffed, wondering if Keith intended to walk the 10 kilometres to town with him

“Then jumping out the window to avoid you would have been ruined... a bit like this”

Picking his pace up again, Keith jogged forward, standing in front of Lance

“Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?”

“This! What did I do now?”

Lance rolled his eyes

“Why do you think this has to do with you?”

“Because we’re the only two people in the house. If you’re upset, it has to be because of me”

Fuck. What was he supposed to do with that?

“And if I say it’s not you, it’s me, will you listen?”

“You’re acting weird and I don’t understand”

“You haven’t known me long enough to know when I’m acting weird”

“I heard you on the phone this morning, then you were crying, and now you’re jumping out of windows. I don’t understand it”

“Even vampires have shit days. You humans don’t have the monotony on that”

“That was more than a bad day...”

“You’re not being... you’re not acting right”

“Oh, please tell me how I act? Could it be that you have no fucking idea what’s going on in my life and insist that you’re some goddamn vampire that I apparently sired? No eres un vampiro! Non sei un vampiro! I don’t know how many other ways I can fucking say it, but you’re a human. You’re a human I’m sending back to stay in town!”

Keith clenched his fists, Lance not sure if he was going to cry, or if the hunter was going to punch him in the face

“That’s not what you said last night”

Lance waved his hand dismissively

“Blame it on fatigue or whatever excuse you need. You’re here to kill me. Don’t go blurring that line any more than you already have”

“You’re the one blurring lines! I don’t understand any of this!”

“Welcome to the club, sorry, we’re fresh out of jackets and medals, but I might be able to swing a free set of steak knives in used condition”

“Fuck you! You don’t know me, you don’t know the shit I’ve been through! You weren’t there when Adam...”

Keith shook his head

“I don’t owe you anything. I can’t believe I was thinking there was more to vampires than what I’d see, but you’re all a bunch of dicks. Go die in a ditch for all I care”

Shit.

“Keith...”

“Save it Lance. You don’t want to help me. You don’t want to explain anything you don’t want to talk about. You’re not the one going through changes. You’re not the one having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat with your body aching. You’re not the one getting headaches and you’re not the one stuck feeling the changes I’m going through. No. You’re the one who lies to my face. Your just like every other selfish undead fucker who can’t keep their promises”

“You’ve been sick because you poisoned yourself. You clearly have some kind of trauma thanks to Shiro’s partner Adam”

Keith couldn’t hide the surprise on his face

“What the fuck do you know about Adam?”

“What Shiro told me”

Not much at all. He’d done the math and now he was getting to the answer. Adam was Shiro’s partner that’d been killed, and for reason Keith felt guilty for whatever happened... maybe not guilt... maybe anger with anything less than human that’d do whatever had been done to Adam

“If you know about Adam, you should understand”

Lance had the feeling if he said he didn’t know anything, Keith would clam up and leave him in peace. But being a grade A arsehole to Keith took up too much energy. He didn’t want to know Shiro’s secrets, but he did. He didn’t want to know Shiro’s secrets because Shiro had dropped the “Matt bombshell” on him, but he did

“I’ve heard it from Shiro’s perspective, not yours”

“It’s the same thing”

It definitely wasn’t the same thing unless they were into that kind of a relationship

“Shiro was in love. You weren’t”

“What does that matter?! They fucking turned him! Shiro nearly lost his goddamn arm because Adam didn’t show his true colours! Shiro said he was... he was dead before he even got back... he dealt with it”

Keith’s repeated paranoia made sense now. Adam hadn’t been “noticeably” turned. Shiro had thought he was human, not knowing that Adam was no longer than man he’d once been. Keith was scared that he’d been turned and that he was headed down the same path as Adam. He was scared that he was going to lose his brother, and what would happen if his brother lost him

“You’re not to blame for what they did”

“I didn’t...”

“You can’t be superman, Keith. You can’t be in a million places at once. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. If Adam was already turned by the time Shiro returned, death would have been a release. We vampires have egos. That’s why we don’t last. That’s why our kind goes insane. You live to watch everyone you love die. You form bonds, only to have to break them because you don’t want the people around you to think you’ve lied to them the whole time, to think none of it was real. It’s not fun and games being like this. We never forget. We remember turning. We remember every single second of it. Your brother lost his lover and you want someone to pay. You want to kill everything you can, because you want to spare others that pain. Well guess what, you’re in pain too. You carry those deaths. You’ve seen shit you never thought possible and you’ve seen the fucking worst of it. That’s why you’ve got a chip on your shoulder, because they hurt your family. I don’t know if Shiro lied to you. I don’t know if Adam really was alive, but if they starved him after the turn, the fact your brother is still alive is something amazing. This life fucking sucks, and for your sake, I hope you find your way out of it. I live in penance for my sins, the sin of being this thing. I try to help as many kids as possible not feel even one scrap of what I did when I was a kid. Ever since you crashed into my life I’ve been going crazy. I feel like I’ve been turned over again, because you’re the first person I’ve ever drank from, and if you weren’t dying, I wouldn’t have done that. I can see right now you want to deck me, so if it makes you feel better, throw that punch”

“Don’t talk at me like you know my life!”

“I don’t and I don’t want to! When you move on, I’m the one who’s going to be stuck here wondering you’re still alive! In 50 years I’m still going to be wondering because I can’t get you out of my head! You’re going to end up dead, Keith. Long before your time of you keep throwing yourself into things head first!”

Keith took half a step back, looking down to the gravel beneath their feet. Adam was a sore topic for the man, and he didn’t know what kind of parents just let their kid run off and do dumb shit like becoming a hunter, but Keith seemed the kind whose home life seemed rocky at best. Raising his head, the hunter locked his eyes on his

“Then teach me”

What the what now?

“Huh?”

“Teach me! You’re a vampire! Teach me!”

Lance was the most unvampire vampire he knew

“Teach you what?”

“How to be stronger”

The what now? Keith was already physically strong, it was the mental side of things he needed to work out. He needed to clear the fog of anger when he fought and to think about the bigger picture

“I can’t teach you”

“Bullshit!”

“I can’t teach you”

“I have to be stronger. I have to get stronger! I’m all Shiro has and you have to help me”

“Then for Shiro’s sake, I’m going to recommend therapy. Your body isn’t the weak, it’s your mind”

“Then fucking teach me!”

“I can’t teach you!”

Lance didn’t get his rocks off working out. Training and teaching seemed like so much damn effort. He was old. He wanted to potter around in his garden and enjoy naps in the sun with his cat. He was starting to get another headache all over again, and for some unknown reason his heart felt like it was racing with the desire to do something

“Then fight me! Right here!”

“I don’t want to”

“Why?! Why are you being like this?!”

“Because I’m not to blame for your trauma. You have shit to work out in that thick head of yours. You’re so filled with anger that you’re going to get yourself dead. I doubt that’s the kind of life Adam would have wanted for you. I doubt Shiro wants to bury his brother because you let your anger get you killed”

“I have to become better! I have to protect him!”

“You can’t protect anyone if you can’t protect yourself first”

“That’s why you have to teach me!”

Lance shook his head

“I don’t have to do anything, other than to get my car that your brother decided he couldn’t be bothered returning”

“Shiro would have left it there so he wouldn’t be followed back to you!”

“Then maybe you both should have left when I told you to. Now get out of my way”

“No”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Either you fight me now, or you agree to train me”

“I’m not doing either. I’m going to get my car, then I’m going to drop your idiot arse off back in town”

“Fine! I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone!”

Lance sighed at Keith. What he needed was for someone to reach out and take his hand... but that someone couldn’t be him

“Keith, everybody needs somebody. That’s how life works. You need someone who will lift you up and support you, like Shiro. You need someone who isn’t me. I’m nothing more than a vampire”

“That’s why... that’s why I need you to help me. I need to be better”

“Idiot. You’re already good enough. Try making some friends and you’ll see. Bonds and attachments hurt, but good things come too. Having friends is fun. It’s okay to rely on other people”

“Like you rely on Hunk and Pidge. You haven’t even told them the truth”

“Because the truth would put them in danger. My time with them isn’t a lie. I never thought I’d find two friends like them, no matter how long I lived. But our time as friends has a limit and until then I want to enjoy myself with them as long as possible. Go back to the house and cool your head”

“But... I...”

Lance wanted to reach out and ruffle Keith’s silky black hair. He wanted to do something to take away the heaviness of his words. But Keith forming some kind of attachment would only hurt both of them. It was better to sever the tie before it even began

“I’ll see you later”

*

Pidge and Hunk were waiting in his car for him. They’d set themselves up in the back, playing uno and getting crumbs from their snacks everywhere. Noticing him first, Pidge threw her hand down, clambering out the back to throw her arms around him

“You fucking afk jerk! Where were you?!”

“Busy. You know it is, just another fun filled day being a lawyer”

“I tried calling you!”

“I broke my phone. I’m okay now”

“Good! You scared me. You didn’t even like call me back”

Lance wrapped his arms around Pidge, resting his chin on the top of her head. He wasn’t sure how much trouble he could have gotten himself in the last 20 hours, but he’d obviously scared her

“I’m sorry Pidgeon. I see you and Hunk let yourselves into my car”

“What kind of idiot leaves his keys on the front tyre? That’s like asking for it be stolen”

“I know. I’m the biggest idiot around”

“You are. Now, where’s Keith?”

Pidge stepped out of Lance’s hold to peer around him

“Keith’s back at the house”

“Why?”

“Because I had a few things to do in town? He’s stuck waiting until his brother can come pick him up”

“Soooo, he’s like free tonight?”

Lance groaned

“Pidge, noooo”

She was definitely scheming something he wasn’t up for

“I think you mean, “Pidge, yes!””

“Nope. I definitely said no. Whatever it is, no”

Pidge crossed her arms with a huff

“You haven’t even heard what I’m about to say”

“That’s because I know you’re always scheming in that evil genius brain of yours”

“I am not! But anyway, you know how they let us use the visitors centre... well, apparently someone saw an actual ghost there today! They called me and asked if we can come back”

Lance looked past Pidge to where Hunk was now shuffling the uno cards

“Did she tell you?”

“Yep”

“And did you say no?”

“Yep”

“And she didn’t take no for an answer, did she?”

“Nope”

“Piiiiiidge. You’re going to give him nightmares again”

“It’ll be worth if it we can capture it on film! Anyway, so, like, we’ll go back to your house, pick Keith up, then come back and get my stuff, then we’re all going to go film a ghost!”

Because seeing Keith so soon wasn’t going to be awkward as fuck...

“I don’t think Keith will be interested”

“Of course he will be! He might as well have “I want to believe” tattooed across his forehead”

Keith did believe... it kind of went with the territory

“Pidge...”

“Ah, ah, ah, nope. This is your punishment for making Hunk and I worry about you. And I’m totally driving”

“Not in this life time. God... you really want to do this, don’t you?”

“Yep”

“And Keith has to come?”

“Yep”

“And you’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?”

Pidge beamed, knowing Lance was such a pushover that she could basically ask him for anything her mischievous little brain thought of

“Nope”

“Fine. Fine. Tonight, only. If we don’t catch a ghost, you’re in trouble, missy”

Pidge threw her arms around Lance again

“You’re the best! Let’s go get Keith!”

Ugh... Nope... Lance hoped that whoever was keeping track of his cosmic record was noting down that this was under pressure and he thought it’d be best to leave Keith alone. He’d told Keith to go find some friends, but now it seemed his friends we’re pretty set on making friends with Keith, taking away the whole “finding” part. Personally Lance couldn’t provide Hunk and Pidge with any higher recommendations that didn’t sound really fucking creepy, bordering on obsessive, and stalkery, he knew the best points of both of them, and their not so best ones, but he didn’t want to go recommending them to Keith because they were supposed to be his friends, and he was supposed to be getting rid of Keith... Fucking humans made things so damn complicated.

[avengerscompound]

Just Friends

Just Friends: A Bucky Barnes Fanfic

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x  F!Reader

Word Count:  2235

Rating:  E

Warnings:  Smut (F|M, vaginal sex)

Synopsis:  After moving into the Avengers Compound Bucky has a lot of trouble fitting in. Until he forms a friendship with you.

Just Friends

When Bucky first moved into the compound, things were tense.  So much had happened, so many people had been badly hurt.  He kept to himself mostly, not wanting to impose himself on others.  It was only with Steve and Sam that you’d catch him with any of his walls down.  Where you’d see him smile or laugh or occasionally even be a wise ass.  As soon as he realized you were there he’d shut down again, often withdrawing from the room completely.

Slowly.  Very, very slowly, he started opening up to other people.  Smiling to Wanda when she entered the room.  Returning Natasha’s surly morning greetings.  It was you that he opened up to the fastest though.  You were new.  You weren’t at the airport.  You hadn’t been tainted by everything that happened.

You first noticed him relaxing around you when he was arguing with Sam about stacking the dishwasher.  You came into the room as Sam was telling him that he was a slob and it wasn’t the rest of the towers job to clean up after him.  Normally your mere presence would have made him just nod his head, pack the dishwasher and flee as quickly and quietly as he could.  This time he looked up at you and smiled.

“Cut me some slack.  They didn’t even have dishwashers when I grew up.”  Bucky complained.

Sam rolled his eyes dramatically.  “Don’t give me that, tin man.  I saw you playing Mario Kart for over an hour this morning.  If you can figure that out, you can figure out how to open a door and put a plate on a rack.”

“But there are all these rules about what is allowed in there…”  Bucky argued.

“Sorry, James.  I’m with Sam.  You can stack the dishwasher.”  You said, coming into the kitchen to grab a drink from the fridge.  Sam raised his fist as you walked past and you bumped it.

“Oh, now you’re ganging up on me too?”  Bucky groaned.

You pulled a bottle of juice from the fridge and unscrewed the cap, taking a drink.  “It’s nothing personal.  It’s just, I’m always the one that has to clean up after you animals.”

Sam burst out laughing and Bucky blushed.  “Sorry, doll.  I’ll do better.”

The next time you noticed you were alone in the common area marathoning 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix.  It was well past midnight and he came out bleary-eyed and startled when he saw you.

“What are you doin’ up, doll.”  He said, sitting down beside you.

“I got caught up in this show. What about you?  Couldn’t sleep?”  You asked.

Bucky shook his head.  “Don’t sleep well.  Nightmares.”

You nodded your head.  “Right.  Of course, you do.  It’s a theme.”

“Yeah?  Who else?”  Bucky asked.

“Tony.  Tony gets them really bad.  Bruce.  He takes something now though because there were a couple of Hulk incidents.  Wanda too.  One time she projected and we all had her nightmare.  Natasha does but she won’t leave her room when it happens.  Clint has nightmares about clowns.  Quite regularly.  That’s why he’s always just drinking coffee.”  You stopped talking for a second and paused the show, cocking your head to the side.  “In fact… Clint?”

There was a rustle in the vents behind you and then Clint dropped to the ground.  “Don’t out me.”  He grumbled, coming and sitting on the other side of you.

“Sorry, man.  Just wanted James to see he wasn’t alone.”  You said.

“Bucky,”  Bucky said quietly.

You looked at him puzzled.  “Sorry, what?”

“My friends call me Bucky.”  He explained, not looking you in the eye.

“Okay, Bucky.”  You replied, touching his arm.  He flinched a little but didn’t move away.  You dropped your hand.  “Who else?”  You asked Clint.

“Uh… Rhodey does sometimes.  Only when the stress of Tony fucking up is getting to him though.”  Clint answered.

“Which is always.”  You joked.

“Which is always.”  Clint agreed.  “Sam sometimes.  Not a whole lot, but sometimes.  Steve too.  Steve a lot.  Doesn’t usually wake him up though, but you can hear him talking if …”  He stopped talking abruptly.

You started laughing and shoved Clint.  “If you spy on him in the vents.”

“Steve really has nightmares?”  Bucky asked.

“Oh yeah.  Pretty much every night.  They were way worse before you got back.”  Clint answered.  “I’d say the only two who don’t are Vision, who doesn’t actually sleep and this pretty little flower,”  Clint said, pinching your cheeks.

“You don’t?”  Bucky asked.

You shrugged.  “I mean, sure from time to time.  I get that one where your teeth all fall out, and there are way more teeth than is even humanly possible.  Generally not though  I haven’t been through as much as these guys.  I was just… good at what I do.  So I was recruited.  You know what dream I do get a lot?”

“What?”  Bucky asked, sounding genuinely interested.

“The one where you realize you’re naked.  Only dream me never really cares.  Must have nudist fantasies I don’t know about.”  You laughed.

Clint put his arm around your shoulder.  “Well, I can say on behalf of Bucky and me, if you wanted to get naked now, that would be quite alright.”

So it went; the more time passed, the more Bucky relaxed.  The more Bucky relaxed, the closer you became.  It wasn’t long until the two of you were almost inseparable.  He no longer flinched when you touched him.  In fact, he sought out that physical contact with you almost constantly.  He often held your hand or hugged you from behind if you were standing around.  If you were sitting he would rub your feet, or have his arm around you, or just simply snuggle up as close as he could.

You had fallen for him pretty hard, and you knew it was reciprocated.  Everyone knew it was reciprocated.  Only he wouldn’t let it go forward. Anytime you tried to bring it up he would just say ‘I can't’ and close up.

It was driving everyone else around you both crazy.  Steve kept apologizing on Bucky’s behalf.  You would reassure him you understood but he’d do it anyway.  Natasha would roll her eyes every time you were in the same room together.  Even Tony who still hadn’t really warmed up to Bucky being there yet would ask you if the two of you had finally fucked yet.

Three months it took until one day you were hanging out in your room watching ‘The Wizard of OZ’.  You spent a lot of time in either yours or his room.  When you were out in the common area people always felt the need to at best give you knowing looks and at worst flat out ask if you guys were a couple yet.  So you’d hide from them.  You lay with your head resting on his shoulder and he has his arm curled around you.

“I still like it.  Even after all this time.”  He said as the film ended.

“It still holds up.  I mean, I watched it when I was a kid and that was what?  50 or so years since it was made.”  You agreed looking up at him.

He laughed.  “Don’t remind me about how much older than you I am,  it’s depressing.”  He teased and poked you in the side.

You laughed and rolled over so you were now facing each other.  “I wouldn’t sweat it, old man.  You’re still looking really good.  What kind of moisturizer do you use?”

He started tickling you.  “Stop.  Making.  Fun. Of. Me.”  He said, as his fingers worked over your sides and you writhed around trying to escape his assault.

“Stop it!  Stop!”  You wheezed.  “I’m sorry!”

He stopped tickling you and you lay pressed against his chest looking into each other’s eyes.  He hesitantly leaned into you and you bridged the distance.  His lips touched on yours hesitantly and you kissed slowly and gently.  Very gradually it deepened.   Your tongue flicked over his top lip and his mouth opened.  His tongue met yours, circling it before dipping into your mouth.

It wasn’t long until his hands were under your shirt, cupping your breasts, and your fingers had slipped under the waistband of his pants.  Bucky pulled back suddenly and jumped out of the bed.  “Sorry.  I shouldn’t.   This… this is a mistake…”  He said, refusing to make eye contact with you as he paced the room.  His hands ran through his hair.

You climbed slowly out of bed and stepped in front of him, putting your hands on his shoulders.  “Bucky, stop.  Talk to me.  What’s going on?”

Bucky raised his eyes and looked into yours.  “I’m broken.  Can’t you see that?  I don’t even know how to relate to other people anymore.  You should be with someone like you.  Someone that doesn’t wake up every night in a cold sweat because he keeps revisiting all the people he murdered over and over again.”

You put your hands on his cheeks and look right into his blue/gray eyes.  “Bucky, you’ve been relating with me just fine for months now.”

“Yes but…”

“And don’t tell me who I deserve.  I want you.  Do you get that?”  You snapped, cutting him off.

“Yes, ma’am.”  He said softly.

“I am in love with your James Buchanan Barnes.”  You said firmly.

His lips crashed into yours and lifted you off the ground and climbed back onto the bed with you.  You scrambled to remove each other's clothes, yet were unwilling to actually break the kiss.  Which meant your pants were off before the shirt and there were several moments where you both struggled to figure out how to get them off until Bucky just tore them away.  The move made you moan into his mouth and you wrapped your legs around him, pulling his body flush against yours.

He rolled his hips into you as his hands ran over any part of you they could reach.  The contrast between warm rough skin and cold smooth steel made your body tingle and a shiver run up your spine.  When his fingers touched on your bare breasts your nipples hardened to sharp peaks almost instantly.

You rolled your hips against each other, his cock sliding up and down your folds.  The head of his cock pressed and released on your clit making that tingle grow, sending tendrils out through you and making you feel fuzzy.

Your cunt began to ache for him.  All you could think about was that thick cock of his penetrating you. You reached over and fumbled in your bedside table and just as your fingers closed on the box of condoms you’d been keeping there just in case the cold steel of his fingers touched on your clit and sent such an intense rush through you your body seized up and you cried out.

“Oh fuck, Bucky.  I need you.”  You pleaded.

“It’s okay, doll.”  He whispered, his lips ghosting at your throat.  He took the box of condoms and removed one.  He fumbled with the packed so you took it back of him, tearing it open and slowly rolling it down onto his cock.  He slid it up and down one more time and he was inside of you.  You groaned as he suddenly filled you.  His cock was thick and long and it stretched you out and filled you in a way no one had ever done before.

“Oh fuck, darlin’.  You feel so fuckin’ good.”  He groaned, looking down into your eyes.  “I don’t think I’ll last.  It’s been so long.”

“Rollover.”  You growled.

He licked his lips and took hold of your hips, rolling so you were straddling him.  You leaned in over him, running the tip of your tongue up his chest before kissing him again.  You took his hand and guided it over your body until it rested on your pubic mound.  He took the hint and started drawing tight circles over your clit with his thumb and you started to move.

You started by slowly rolling your hips.  With each forward roll, you clenched your pelvic floor.  You kept kissing him.  You sucked and bit at his lips until yours started to prickle and go numb from his stubble.  Heat swirled through you and you picked up your pace.  You started to ride him.  Moving up and down his cock.  Bracing your hands on his shoulders.  With the combined feeling of his cock moving inside you, and his thumb moving against your clit your own orgasm approached quickly.  You began to bounce, sweat beading on your body.  You were both moaning, your eyes were locked together.

“Oh god, doll.  I’m close.”  Bucky said, an edge of pleading to his voice.  You could feel the throb of his cock inside you.  The way he sounded, the sheer desperation made your cunt clench and your orgasm crashed down over you making every muscle in your body spasm.  Bucky was dragged along with you, he emptied inside of you, his cock pulsing.

You collapsed down onto him panting.  Bucky took a moment to slip from within you and toss the condom away.  “Hey, doll?”  He said, his voice still a little shaky.

“Yeah, Buck?”  You replied, pressing your lips into his shoulder.

“You wanna go steady?”  He asked.

You broke down into a fit of giggles.  “Yeah, Bucky.  I do.”

[derangedroyalfae]

Sunday, April 18, 2021 - 10:00pm

{mostly taken from a conversation with my best friend, Jem - there were some bits that I thought were worded well}

Royal (2:26 PM): Sometimes I think about taking antidepressants again if only to numb the pain. And then I remember how it made me too numb and to everything, so then I think about drinking or doing edibles, but then it still sounds awful and could possibly amplify those feelings (as alcohol usually does make me feel more upset). And that’s sometimes why self-harm becomes a substitute, because it ether distracts from those feelings or even makes you feel like your receiving punishment for whatever you’re upset about. But I know self-harm turns into a loop of guilt and shame and worrying about worrying others.

Jem (2:27 PM): I haven't heard the same about edibles that I hear about alcohol

Or marijuana in general I suppose

Royal (2:28 PM): Weed scares me. Like I’m worried I’ll have a reaction because whenever people smoke or cook it around me, I get super sick feeling. I also know Kitty had a bad reaction to edibles, like gave her ultra anxiety and hallucinations or something like that.

Jem (2:29 PM): Ah, gotcha I myself am allergic so I can't say I've tried it myself either

Royal (2:29 PM): I think I might be allergic and I don’t wanna find out the hard way

When people smoke/cook it around me, I get nauseous and a headache

Jem (2:32 PM): Yeah, I used to have two roommates that both smoked weed in our tiny apartment I used to have near constant headache until I moved out the next year

Royal (2:33 PM): I wish I could just remove those negative feelings I have: anger, sadness, jealousy, dysphoria, etc Put them somewhere far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, and wouldn’t have to hurt others because of them

(I tend to use dysphoria for myself as an in general term, not just with gender dysphoria, btw)

Jem (2:34 PM): Aah, yeah, I get you

Royal (2:38 PM): But even though I’m scared I’ll have a bad reaction, I’m mighty tempted to ask Hummingbird if I can try one of her edible gummies rn...

Jem (2:41 PM): I wonder if there's a way to try it in a safe/monitored way

Royal (2:41 PM): Well, if I do just one gummy

With their supervision

So if I have a bad reaction, they can watch over me or drive me to the urgent care

I love how it’s called urgent care but usually has like an hour or longer wait

Jem (2:43 PM): Ah yeah, that'd be the best way to do it Keep the phone handy too

Royal (2:45 PM): Hey, at the very least, doesn’t look like it has any interactions with my cholesterol medication

Jem (2:46 PM): That's good to know

Royal (2:50 PM): I don’t think I’ll actually follow through with it or anything, just my mind thinking of solutions

I’m feeling calmer now anyway

For now

{And then proceeded to draw this (it’s an idea I’ve had this idea for a long time now, especially since the first time I experienced extreme jealousy with Capy, but never had the courage to follow through since I’ve never done inking and rarely traditional colour, but I finally worked up the motivation to try, and honestly, it’s perfect timing as it was therapeutic to draw)}:

Royal (8:09 PM): Random question, I’m curious your thoughts on this: do you think it’s insensitive to joke about getting with other people when you’re in a relationship, especially/at least in front of your partner (at least if the two of you haven’t established a non-monogamous relationship), and even more so if you know your partner is dealing with jealousy issues?

Jem (8:12 PM): I’d think so, yeah

It's definitely odd

Unless it's like, I donno, a celebrity or something

But even then, it'd make me wonder why someone would say that if they knew already their partner was having issues

Royal (8:12 PM): Like someone they know/knew or met in the past, but 100% out of the picture now

So it’s def not a celeb

Jem (8:14 PM): Yeah then even without the jealousy issues, unless that's some sort of pre-established shared humor, it's kinda weird

Royal (8:15 PM): K, I was curious what you’d think

I agree with that too, it just feels really insensitive, at least if you’re monogamous

{Whilst I never told Jem what it was about, it has to do with something similar that had happened earlier today - though I am not technically in a monogamous relationship, so the above can’t fully apply to me. But to explain this better, I’ll have to jump back to something that happened in December 2020.

Capybara had told me about how there was this really attractive lecturer he met in the past whom if I remember correctly, spoke Greek, so his friend got him a Greek dictionary to help him try to impress her, but he never really ran into her again. I had made a comment that you know, guess it worked out for the better because then we would have never become a thing should he have actually succeeded in getting with her. And he made a joke that wasn’t the case or a joke that brushed off what I said as almost nothing. I knew he was joking, but it was kinda a really emotional time for everyone and I’m still even to this day working through my newfound romantic/sexual jealousy issues, so I took it kinda harsh at first and then eventually told him that same night how that kinda made me feel shitty.

Well, today, we were gaming with one of his friends (super great, hardworking, and nice lad) that we often play Sea of Thieves with and it turns out that was the same friend who got him the Greek dictionary, so it somehow got brought up in conversation…and just…they were joking that Capybara was Odysseus and this other woman was Odysseus’s wife and they’d find each other again one day. I can’t remember which character they assigned the friend but they were saying I could be one of the gods, and I’ll be honest, didn’t handle that situation the best, so I made a off hand comment of something like, “Guess I can be Athena or Aphrodite since they’re the jealous types, guess that works pretty well.” Don’t know if they picked up the hint. I don’t know if they were at all thinking about how this was something awkward for me, cuz I’m pretty sure the friend is aware that I’m dating Capy and is supposed to assume we’re monogamous as Capybara doesn’t really feel comfortable letting his friends or family know I have other partners. It just also happened to be a sore topic for me, cuz when Capy made that joke, even though I knew it was nothing more than a joke, it made me feel like nothing and replaceable, which I already see myself as.

Just to kinda let Capybara know that I’d prefer the topic to be dropped, I messaged him privately: “So I just remembered, it was you talking about that Greek dictionary thing to impress that girl and making a joke that like, meeting me wasn’t for the better cuz she’s still out there that kinda made me feel like shit even though it was a joke”

To which he responded with: “she's a lecturer my dude 😂 she's like in her 40's - don't worry”

And I replied with: “No I know, but it was more of the joke that followed that rubbed me wrong. At the time”

And he just sent these two emoji’s in response: 😧 😕

Immediately after our messages, as we had still been playing, he went dead silent and so I noticed this (not sure if the friend did at first) and I at first just tried to silently apologize in DM, cuz I hadn’t meant to upset him, but he still remained silent. So shortly after, I asked if we should call it quits even though it was early. I felt so guilty and I immediately sent him more apology messages and even an apology voice memo, but I assumed he turned his phone off by that point.

Once again, my jealousy got the best of me and I hurt the person I love most in the world and made a fun time involving friends go awkward. I was having a good early afternoon/late morning with him at first, and then I ruined it because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and my jealousy under control. I’m such an asshole.}

Royal (8:22 PM): Off topic, but still on the issue of jealousy, I feel like when I have jealousy issues myself at the point I’m at, it’s like a double headed snake due to me being in a polyamorous relationship - one head are just the pre-established toxic/venomous things that come with jealousy and the other head is the guilt and shame of feeling I have no right to be jealous when I have two other partners myself thus making me feel hypocritical (and being ignorant of any potential jealousy from other partners)

It feels like those two snake heads could eat me alive with just a few bites each if I let them in

It’s such a viscous cycle and honestly, the basic head of jealousy is enough of a problem that turns my stomach, but the second head just makes me want to surrender to the earth

Jem (8:28 PM): I get you It's a lot

Emotions are hard

Royal (8:28 PM): Especially when they revolve around something or someone you already have such an emotional attachment with

And then those feelings, like feelings of jealousy, only end up making you hurt the ones you love

Making them feel guilty or annoyed or like you don’t trust them or something

Jem (8:31 PM): Tbh, as someone who generally struggles with a lot of jealousy type issues, I get that (not necessarily romantic jealousy even, but just there's undercurrents of it that are always there and present in every relationship)

I don't think it's something that can ever be fully dealt with and just I guess has to be accepted and worked around At least for me

Royal (8:33 PM): And it makes you wonder if you truly care for those if you’re so easily jealous of them, since they tell you that shouldn’t feel that way if you really love someone, that you should be able to love them blindly and trust them, and it’s not like I don’t trust, but I feel so easily discardable by those who I could never even fathom of turning my back on

Royal (8:34 PM): Honestly, I’ve even felt some jealousy toward you in the past - not romantically - but it was something I worked on

Jem (8:34 PM): What if I were to say same though haha

Royal (8:34 PM): You seemed to be doing so well with you VN and you picked up art so fast

Jem (8:35): Aah for me it's always revolving around

My need for attention tbh

Royal (8:35 PM): But I told myself, “you just need to keep trying. Feeling negatively toward someone success is selfish and gets you nowhere. Improve yourself and you can also feel that success. He’s not succeeding to hurt you in anyway - you should be happy for him.”

Or like, probably not those exact words, but ya know, that idea

Royal (8:36 PM): Yeah, I understand that too, especially growing up in a family of 6

That kinda happened the other day with Kitty (whom at this point my feelings are pretty platonic) - for over a week now I’ve been telling the girls about a game (For the King) I’ve been interested in playing with them, and the other day, Hummingbird went on a social distancing date with Crystal, so I asked Kitty if she’d like to play with me since it’d be just the two of us and she agreed. However, she had a headache, so we thought it’d be best if she napped first and if she felt better later on then we could play. When she woke up, Lapis hit her up for some gaming and Kitty decided to game with her instead and forgot she agreed to game with me...

Jem (8:41 PM): Ah, that kinda thing really sticks with me

Royal (8:41 PM): And so I’m just getting to a point where I feel like I should just stop asking them if they wanna game with me, because it’s not the first time something like this has happened (at least they don’t follow through, not a matter of them deciding to do something with someone else)

Like, I made the Murder Beans server so Capybara and Kitty (and Hummingbird if she ever decided to get Among Us) could game with my friends in the CSR Creations server, and that was back in fall...the girls never joined a game even when showing express interest and saying they would

Kitty also once went and bought Lapis like the whole Halo Master Chief Collection for Lapis cuz she was broke and wanted it, and the proceeded to play it with her and Hummingbird...and like...I also would have liked to have played Halo with them if given the opportunity, but I was never asked

Sheezus, don’t even get me started in my family and how invisible they made me feel

But yeah, I’m at a point with the girls that I don’t think it’s even worth bothering to ask anymore, at least about gaming

Hummingbird’s confusion and migraines are also coming back, so she has a legit medical excuse and I can’t really bother her about it

Jem (8:48 PM): I get you, yeah

All of those things would really bother me too They have in the past

I remember when I first joined UCSD, I started hanging out often with the girls that lived around me in the dorms And we all started watching Orphan Black together

And then I literally had no idea when they finished the show because after the first couple sessions they forgot to invite me

Royal (8:51 PM): Oof, yeah, that’d bother me too, or at least tell me how they felt about me in my mind

I don’t think with my jealousy, it’s a matter of not trusting my partner or friends or whomever, it’s just a matter of feeling such low self-worth that I feel easy to discard, and when I get brushed to the side or have someone joking along the lines as how dating me wasn’t for the better when someone else is out there, it furthers those feelings I have about myself, those feelings of self-worth and how I’m replaceable or not worth shit

Jem (8:54 PM): I get you I know mine stems from feeling forgettable

Royal (8:54 PM): I know I’m an annoying person, I know I can be a lot and emotionally draining, I know I can be hypersensitive - so I know it feels like it’d be better to be rid of that sort of force if you can find someone better who doesn’t make you feel the way I’d do

(In response to feeling forgettable) Yeah

If you remove the fun hair, piercings, and tattoo, I’m actually quite a boring person

And I’m quite isolated. If you don’t include my partners, there’s only really two people who come to mind that I’d consider close friends that I can talk to: you and someone else (you’ve never met her)

I’m getting to a point where I have a hard time talking to the girls due to the guilt I feel about me more or less wanting to be platonic with them, and then Hummingbird is constantly having a medical crisis and I’d feel bad burdening her further

So really, I’m isolated down to two people, primarily you, + Capybara, and yeah, that’s my own fault

I feel easily exhausted by my other options at this point, where I feel like I can only take Candy in small doses (which feels really hypocritical of me) and my other VA friends or gaming friends, I don’t know if I’m close enough to have those kinds of conversations with, especially the VA friends since I tend to be their boss

For the most part, the other people I’d sometimes talk about these issues with are on servers that are primarily dead, so it feels awkward to hop back in only to bitch about my life

Besides, I hate seeming like I’m only spewing forth toxicity and negative emotions over and over again

Which I worry I do too much with you as is

[amarantine-amirite]

Acquired Ability: Existential Crisis

People think success is a step by step process. They think there’s only one way to be successful. That’s not true. There is no one recipe for success. You just have to do what works best for you.

How will you know what works best for you? You just don’t know until you try it. How far do you have to go to find something that works for you? You don't know, so you have to plan ahead.

Planning is hard for me. Of all my ideas, about 25% are actual, coherent thoughts. I can only work about 10% of those coherent thoughts into an actual plan.

I thought tonight would be the first time in my life a plan actually worked. I was wrong. And what did I get for my troubles? Two black eyes and scratches all up my arms.

How did things go from zero to “time to hide behind a tree way out in the middle of nowhere”? It's kind of complicated and messy, but here we go.

At school, I never received any awards, because I never did any extracurricular activities. I had to work so much harder than my friends at getting my school obligations done. I had no energy left for stuff on top of that. That always made me feel a little bit broken. Since the awards you win matter to colleges, the guidance counsellor instructed me to take a personality quiz to see what type of extracurricular I'd be good at. I took the quiz, and it said that I should do drama, since the AI working behind the scenes predicted that I'd make a good actress.

You can't use an AI to predict that sort of thing. You never really know who's going to be successful in performing arts and who won't. For every person who goes on to be a famous actor, there are about 50 who don’t. Nobody talks about them. We hear nothing about them because they didn’t succeed.

Beyond AI's failing to take into account survivorship bias, we had a bigger problem with the drama department: they couldn’t seem to make up their minds.

The original plan was to do Romeo and Juliet, but Sarah’s dad didn’t want her to kiss Joshua. In response, the school changed the play to The Lion King. Due to a translation flub, we wound up with the materials to do Cats. In less than a week, they changed it to The Hunchback of Notre Dame because Cats triggered Bernadette’s fear of cats. That lasted about a day because literally everybody thought it was “problematic”. Everybody got sick of the department constantly changing the play, so we settled on doing Singing In The Rain.

I got the part of Lina Lamont. Rather than do Lina's hellacious voice as a screechy Brooklyn accent, I thought it would be funny if I did a lisp (think “I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Howwywood named Wina Wamont”). The idea was that Lina's voice wasn't just hard on the ears, but hard on the brain as well.

I thought it was funny. Other people disagreed with me. Hard.

One morning, the school sent a car to take me down to the school board’s head offices. They wanted to have a talk with me about my performance as Lina.

The car came by to pick me up at 5:30 AM. I wore a simple, purple lace dress. My hair was kind of greasy and akimbo because I didn’t really get a chance to fix it. Since I was in a situation where I had to choose between brushing my teeth and doing my hair, I went with the teeth. In my mind, keeping your gums healthy always beats out having your hair look nice.

I tuned out most of the drive, but what sticks in my memory begins when we drove down a dark road with wet pavement surrounded by lots of trees. As we continued, it started to rain outside, and the trees Seemed to close in on the road. When we passed the first sign we’d seen Since we got on the freeway, I had that overwhelming feeling I should’ve turned back.

It got dark really quickly. I couldn't tell whether it’s actually night or it’s dark enough from the trees, like in Germany’s black forest. I could feel my stomach drop a little bit when we headed through a road tunnel. Uh oh, I thought, nothing good ever happens in these.

"What do you mean?" the driver asked me. I guess I thought out loud a little too loudly.

"I mean that tunnels are kind of scary to me," I responded, "Princess Diana crashed in a tunnel. People always seem to get carjacked in tunnels, and during stuff like earthquakes and landslides, tunnels always seem to collapse on people."

“You have no need to worry about the tunnel. You should worry about how you’re going to explain your performance to the superintendent.”

As for what I would tell the superintendent, my plan was to say that I wanted to leave my stamp on the school so I would feel a little less broken inside. I felt pretty confident that they'd buy it. Now, I'm not so sure anymore.

The school district’s head office was one of those places where reality felt somewhat altered. It felt more like a pit stop than an actual destination. Even though I was in a ton of trouble, I felt unusually at ease.

I think this is why people take gap years. Existing in between two points in time or between two places actually feels good. You feel like you can and should do whatever you want.

It feels way better than being dragged into one of those situations where everything you say is the wrong thing. I know because that's exactly what my meeting turned into.

I'm not going to play that game. I'm not going to take the bait. Unfortunately, I didn't know what to do, so I walked out.

After I left the room, I got the urge to just run in a straight line. Once I went from the hall to the parking garage, I just bolted. Apparently, if you run fast enough, you can run up a wall.

Running up the wall is mostly a motorcycle thing. you have to move pretty fast to do it. The motorbike sticks to the wall because the friction counteracts gravity. if you aren’t moving fast enough, there won’t be enough friction to stop you from falling. I have no idea how I managed to run that fast.

A minute later, I could hear the superintendent say, “Janice, bring me a very long stick, we are running up the wall after her.”

They were chasing after me.

They didn’t catch up to me. I heard much clattering and swearing soon after. I think they may have needed a longer stick.

A few minutes later, I slowed down just enough that I couldn’t maintain enough friction to counteract gravity anymore. The minute I sensed that I was going to fall I stuck my arms out to break my fall, but I beaned myself in the eyes with my wrists. Much like running fast enough to run up the wall, I have no idea how I managed to do that. Also, I landed in holly bushes. The coarse leaves scratched up my arms and legs.

I felt like such an idiot, but at least I made it outside.

Outside was hot and humid, with a brisk wind and heavy rain. Thick, lush greenery concealed a chorus of screaming frogs. I continued to run until I reached a tool shed. Once I got there, I took cover.

By the time the rain stopped, morning had already come. I crept out of the tool shed, and glared at the offices from behind a tree. But that would’ve done anything. I tried to put my stamp on the school, and it fell apart hard.

Some people treat journeys such as these as vision quests where you come back with certain abilities and a new outlook on life. I don't think I gained anything other than bruises/scratching from falling off the wall and a huge existential crisis.

What makes planning a response so hard? Is my executive function just garbage, or are the people around me trying to set me up to fail? Are people reading my mind, and if so, are they doing so to conspire against me? Questions like these make me ponder the validity of my existence. How do I know what’s right when every decision feels like the wrong one? No matter how hard I plan, something will happen to make it fall apart.

@writeroftheprompts

[cirrus-lily]

morning light - l. norris

author : @cirrus-lily

pairing : lando norris x fem!reader

other character(s) : the briefest mentions of george russell, alexander albon and carlos sainz jr.

genre : fluff ; angst ; one-shot

fandom : formula one - motorsport

warning(s) : mentions of road accident ; set mostly in hospital ; descriptions of patient in medically-induced coma

word count : 1.47k

summary : there is nothing like the feeling of waking up in the morning after thinking you wouldn't make it through the night.

a/n : this one is Big Sad oh well...but it’s really nice and i’m lowkey so proud of this :)

"lando, i'm driving over to your place now, i can't wait to see you again."

"alright love, drive safe."

—

"mr norris, we are sorry to inform you that your girlfriend, y/n y/l/n, has been involved in a road accident and is on her way to the hospital now. you'll be allowed to see her at the hospital after some checks."

"i'll be there as fast as i can."

—

"you're awake."

"i am."

"i thought i would never see you again love, don't scare me like that ever again."

"you won't get rid of me so easily, lando norris."

—

"because of the impact of the accident, she needs to go for a surgery in order to walk again. the surgery has a 50% chance of success, but if you decide to do it, we'll try our hardest to make it work."

"i'll do it."

—

"mr norris, due to some complications from the crash and the surgery, ms y/l/n has been placed in a medically-induced coma. we are unsure of when she will wake up."

—

DAY 1 - LANDO

this sucks. it's messed up. it's all my fault.

it would be so different, if i did all the things i should've.

i should've driven over to her place.

i should've told her not to do the surgery.

i should've done more, to take away her pain, to put her out of her misery.

she'd be awake next to me, at my place, watching netflix and laughing over dumb things and talking about the future and-

"y/n love, if you can hear me, wake up. i can't lose you, not now, not ever."

UGH why is it all so hard?

why her?

why not me?

—

DAY 2 - Y/N

it sucks. i want this to end. i want to wake up.

it hurts to know that lando is hurting.

i wish i could tell him that i can hear him, every word that leaves his lips.

i wish i could squeeze his hand that's in mine, to tell him i'm right here next to him.

lando norris, i'm right here, don't you worry. you can't get rid of me that easily.

why did my body react like that to the surgery?

why couldn't the surgery just be successful?

why did i do it even though i had a bad feeling about it?

why was i so stupid?

i think that, not knowing if i'll make it through the night.

—

DAY 3 - LANDO

it's been three days without her, but it feels like three months. i just want it to end.

george, alex and carlos came over today to check on me, to make sure i was coping okay (i'm not).

george said something about how people in comas can hear and feel, even if they don't respond.

he told me to keep talking to her because it'd (hopefully) help her to wake up sooner.

i know i can't stay here forever. i got lucky because it's the winter break.

but at some point i have to face the rest of the world. i have to go back to the factory.

i have to drive a car.

"love, wake up. i need you to be with me until the end of time. i need to hear your voice again, see you smile again. i need you, i love you. wake up, please."

the day will come that i'll need to leave her in this room, away from me.

but i don't want that day to come.

—

DAY 7 - Y/N

i don't even know how long it's been. that's what happens when you don't see the sun rise and set.

whether it's been a week, month, or year, lando's been here the whole time. i sure as hell hope it hasn't been a year, because i wouldn't want him to stop driving because of me.

i'm starting to go stir-crazy. i've not moved in too long, haven't spoken in too long.

i've tried talking, moving. knowing that lando is there, mum and dad are there, my friends are there, all hurting, hurts me.

i wish i could give them a sign, to tell them it's going to be fine.

guys, i'm okay, i'm right here, it's going to be alright, trust me.

i say that, not knowing if i'll ever see the light of day again.

—

DAY 10 - LANDO

ten days, and counting.

doctors say that her condition is stable, although there is no indication on whether she will wake up.

apparently, no memory loss will be a miracle.

if she doesn't, i might just go crazy.

i hope she doesn't forget who i am.

i hope when she wakes up, she'll remember every moment we've shared.

"love, please remember me when you get up. i don't think i could live without you knowing all the times we've shared. i'll always remember you, always."

her parents keep telling me to go home and wash up, get changed.

but i don't want to leave her side.

i don't want to miss the moment she squeezes my hand.

i don't want to miss the moment she wakes up.

—

DAY 15 - Y/N

fifteen days, i heard the doctor say.

well, that explains why i'm about to go crazy.

i've been using the number of sleeps to count the number of days, but obviously i've been inaccurate.

it doesn't help that every time i fall asleep, i don't know if i'll ever get up again - it's why i hate falling asleep. not knowing if you'll ever see the day again sets a kind of fear and paranoia in you.

i'm not ready to go. i've got so much life left to live.

lando, i'm awake, wake me up. i know who you are, i'll be by your side to the end of time.

i say that, not knowing if i'll ever get to see his face again.

—

DAY 17 - LANDO

the heartbeat monitor keeps me sane now. every beep telling me that she's still alive. it gives me the truth, not like the predictions the doctors make, which sound like empty promises.

i keep talking to her, telling her how everyone's been. how i've been trying to cope. how much i need her and that i love her.

the mclaren crew popped by to pay me a visit yesterday. when they saw her, they looked absolutely crushed - she belonged to the mclaren family as much as i did.

everyone thinks i'm going mad.

they're not wrong.

zak and andreas have told me to take my time - which i'm grateful for, but it isn't going to change the present.

i don't know how much longer i can go on without her.

if i ever have to face a day without her, i might as well not face it at all.

"wake up, please. i don't think i can go on much longer without you. i need you. i love you, y/n, until the end of time."

—

DAY 20 - Y/N

as i wake up from my sleep, my eyes open along with me. i see the blinding lights and flinch, before adjusting to my surroundings.

i can turn my head. i can see the trees outside my window. and there is lando, perched on his chair next to me, my hand in his.

there is nothing like the feeling of waking up in the morning after thinking you wouldn't make it through the night.

i test my body to see if it works, remembering not to move my legs because - well, surgery. i squeeze lando's sweaty, warm hand, yet not wanting to wake him up at the same time.

his eyes flutter open. they are rimmed red, bloodshot, watery. he doesn't believe i'm awake - doesn't want to, in fear that it's all a fever dream and i'll be asleep again.

"y/n? you're awake?"

i nod, gesturing for a glass of water, which he hands to me.

my hands are shaky as i take the glass, sipping it slowly as lando tries to prop me up on the hospital bed.

"i'm sorry. for hurting you, and everyone else. i should've told you i will be all fine. i'm so sorry lando, i love you, i never want to see you cry. i'm so sorry."

he shakes his head, tears in his eyes.

"it's not your fault. you couldn't have predicted that this would happen, what counts is that you are okay now, and you're right here with me."

"but-"

"no buts, love. you're okay now, and you'll get better with time. i'll be right next to you through it all. you and me against the world, forever. okay?"

"okay."

he smiles.

"maybe okay will be our always."

i smile, for the first time in twenty days.

"maybe."

[ladyreapermc]

Fic: This isn’t a rom-com (Keanu x OFC) 2/?

Author’s notes: Thank you so much to everyone who dropped a feedback on part 1. Here’s part 2. Hope you guys like it! Thank you @caryled​ for being my wonderful beta for this one!

Wordcount: 2760

Warnings: None. This is all fluff.

Part 1 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

When Keanu made his way to the wardrobe department to return the suit he had worn that day, he had a smile on his face. It had been a really good day of shooting. They finished all the nightclub scenes and on Monday they would move on to some night shootings and the action scenes, so the real fun was about to begin.

He was truly excited about this project. Not that Keanu wasn’t excited for the other movies he’d done in the past years, but John Wick just felt different. The entire thing excited him, and Keanu felt almost as if he was in his thirties again filming The Matrix.

He handed the suit back to Luca and just as he was about to step out, his eyes caught a flash of white on the floor and Keanu paused to pick it up. It was a driver’s license and he couldn’t help but smile when he recognized the face in the picture. It was the extra Keanu had spent some time talking to that morning.

He always made sure to talk to everyone involved in a project and he had only meant to say hi, just like he had done with everyone else. But he caught the title of her book and he ended up staying longer than he intended. Lilah had been fun to talk to and it had been a while since he had a chance to talk philosophy with someone other than Lawrence, but it wasn’t a big deal.

It couldn’t be a big deal because he was in the middle of a project and he couldn’t afford any distractions. No matter if he thought the way her dark eyes brightened up with excitement as she talked and the hint of an accent over some words were cute; or how endearing it was when she blurted out the Kant thing without even noticing…

“Hey, I was looking for you!” Chad’s voice startled Keanu of his musings. “What’s that?”

He snatched the license from Keanu’s hand before he could even think of reacting and his smile turned into a smirk.

“Isn’t this that cute brunette you were flirting with this morning?”

Keanu saw Luca look up from his task of organizing the costumes, suddenly way too interested in the conversation. With a quick wave, Keanu pulled Chad out of the room, glaring at his friend.

“I wasn’t flirting,” he started, but he could already feel his neck warm with embarrassment. “But, uh… You saw that?”

“Everyone saw that,” Chad said with a grin. “Maybe don’t flirt with women in the middle of the set.”

“I was just saying hi,” Keanu protested. “Like I always do.”

“Right,” Chad snorted. “At some point in saying hi, did you get her number?”

“I didn’t think of that,” he said, rubbing his nape and Chad just gave him a disbelieving look. “Fine, maybe I did, but I shouldn’t have.”

And if Keanu picked up his pace a little to try to get away from this conversation, he knew Chad wouldn’t call him on it, but it didn’t mean his friend would let him escape it either.

“Look, I’m just saying… when was the last time you’ve been on a date?”

Keanu took a moment to think about it because he had had quite a few busy years.

“Ok, if you have to think about it, it’s been too long,” Chad piped in before he could even open his mouth. “Look, I’m not saying marry her. One date. What’s the harm?”

“Should I make a list?” he snorted, shaking his head. “Besides, I don’t even know if she would be interested.”

Chad just scoffed at his words, shaking his head, before he handed the ID back to Keanu.

“Then find out. Get her number from production. See what happens. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smiling like that.”

“Like what?” Keanu asked confused.

Chad snorted again, rolling his eyes as he left Keanu standing in the middle of the set with a confused look.

Keanu stared at the smiling face on the license, contemplating what to do with a sigh. Well, even if Chad was talking crazy, he should make sure Lilah got her ID back.

So, Keanu tracked down one of the casting assistants and stuttered his way into asking for Lilah’s number and why he needed it.

“Hello?” she answered after the third ring, sounding a little distracted.

“Hi. Lilah?” Keanu asked to make sure and she hummed in agreement. “It’s Keanu.”

“Hi…” she greeted after a pause. “How did you get my number?”

“Production,” Keanu answered with a wince, because how creepy was that?

“Listen, I think you dropped your driver’s license.”

“I did?” she asked sounding confused and he heard some rustling on the other side of the line. “Shit! I did. Thank you! I’m heading over to pick it up.”

“Set is closing down for the weekend,” he said as he paused by his bike, tapping the tank. “I-uh… could bring it to you.”

“No, no. I don’t want to trouble you.”

“No trouble,” Keanu assured. “I was heading out anyway.”

“Are you sure?” she seemed to hesitate. “I mean, I’m in Brooklyn…”

“I’m sure,” he assured once again. “Give me an address and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Ok,” she replied, and he could hear the smile in her voice. “Thank you.”

The address Lilah gave him turned out to be this small bookstore/coffeeshop called Novelsy. Its storefront was so discreet Keanu ended up driving past it a couple of times before the green awning with white letters finally caught his eye.

As soon as he stepped inside, he was greeted by the smell books, coffee, and baked goods as a small chime tinkled, bringing forth a blonde young woman. Her greeting died on her lips as her eyes went wide. Keanu shifted uncomfortably, moving his helmet from one arm to the other.

“Hi, I’m looking for Lilah,” he said, silently praying she wouldn’t make a big deal out of his presence.

“I’ll take care of this, Mandy,” said a tall brunette, her green eyes giving him a quick once-over. “Lilah had to take a call. Why don’t you look around and I’ll make sure she finds you?”

Keanu hesitated for a moment, before nodding and moving towards the aisles of bookcases, still feeling her gaze following him. It was a little unnerving.

He walked around, browsing the shelves aimlessly, pausing here and there to pick up a book that caught his attention. When had been the last time Keanu had done that? Had the time to do that? He really couldn’t remember but walking around in Novelsy just for the sake of it felt really good and when Lilah finally found him, Keanu had picked a couple of books he had been meaning to read, among them a poetry anthology by Pablo Neruda.

“Hey!” Lilah greeted with a wide, warm smile that made his own lips drawn upward. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“No problem. I kept myself busy,” Keanu replied gesturing to the books in his hands, while he sneaked a quick once-over.

Lilah had exchanged the red party dress, which was probably a costume piece for the movie, he realized it now, for jeans and a sweater that said Hogwarts alumni and Keanu actually thought she looked more beautiful like that. And he should not be thinking that at all.

“Anyway… is this your card?” he asked, pulling out her license from his jacket pocket with a flourish and could he be more of a goof?

“Yes, it is. Thank you!”

Lilah’s chuckle turned into a grimace as she took it from his hand and glanced at it.

“Urgh! I hate that picture.”

Keanu looked over at the ID again like he hadn’t stared at it several times for the past couple of hours.

In the picture, her brown hair fell to her shoulders in messy waves, framing her face quite prettily. Her rimmed glasses made her brown eyes look larger and her shy smile showed braces in her teeth.

“It’s not bad,” he commented, and Lilah snorted in disbelief, pocking it.

“Anyway, thanks for taking the time to bring it to me.”

“No problem,” Keanu reassured again with a smile.

They lapsed in that awkward silence of people who didn’t know what to say to each other, which was weird because their conversation had flowed so well this morning.

“Did you find everything you needed?” she asked, gesturing at the books in his hands.

“So far, yes. But I want to take another look.” It was almost six after all and if he left now, he would get stuck in traffic.

“Go ahead, there’s a used book section on the other side of the store if that’s your thing, and if you need anything, I’m your girl!”

Keanu ducked his head, hiding his chuckle with his hand. He liked the sound of that way too much.

Once again it took Lilah a second too long to realize what she said, and her eyes went wide, as she covered her mouth.

“Oh my God, I didn’t mean… I’m so sorry. I’m not trying to hit on you or anything…” Keanu couldn’t help but wince a little at her words.

“Not that I wouldn’t hit on you,” she continued, having picked up on his discomfort. “I mean, you’re you. Who wouldn’t…? I’m gonna stop talking now.”

Lilah’s face was bright red and she couldn’t meet his eyes at all. Keanu just huffed another chuckle and shook his head. The way she blundered with words was adorable.

“It’s ok, Lilah. I get it. I’ll call if I need anything.”

She gave him a quick nod, leaving Keanu to move through the aisles again, eyes scanning the titles in front of him, but after another fifteen minutes of wandering around, he decided was for the best just stick with the ones he already got. He barely had the time to read anything but scripts lately.

Keanu returned to the front of the store, finding Lilah behind the register counter, finishing the sale for an elderly lady. Once she moved away, Keanu stepped up and Lilah’s expression opened again in that warm smile of greeting.

“So you work here?” he asked because he noticed most employees had a green apron over their clothes.

“No, but I help out whenever they need,” she explained taking the books along with his debit card.

As Lilah handed him the payment terminal, Keanu raked his brain for something to say. He was almost 50, shouldn’t he be better at this?

Before he managed to figure out, she handed him his receipt and books in a paper bag and Keanu was left with no other excuse to be there and keep talking to her.

He fidgeted with his helmet. Because there were only two options right now: ask her out or leave. And Keanu really wanted to ask her out. Not for a date or anything, but maybe just a coffee. Talk a little more. She seemed like an interesting person and it didn’t have to be a big deal.

He looked up at her, catching the way she quickly glanced away, ducking her head and tucking her hair behind her ear. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but when he opened his mouth, all he managed was thank you.

“Hey, uh, would you let me buy you a cup of coffee?” Lilah asked, stepping away from the register counter again. “As a thank you for coming all this way.”

“You don’t have to,” Keanu rushed to say. “It was no trouble.”

“Please?” she gave him a hesitant smile and his heart actually sped up. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Sure.”

Lilah grinned wide and led the way to a quite charming café with mismatched sets of colorful tables and chairs, star-shaped hanging lampshades and intricate flower pattern wallpaper. The scent of sugar and spice was stronger here and made Keanu’s stomach growl, reminding him that his last meal had been lunch.

“I’m over there,” she gestured to a table tucked away in a corner, cluttered with a laptop and books. “How do you take your coffee?”

“Black, no sugar.”

Keanu moved towards the table while Lilah headed to the counter to place their order. He set his helmet and books on a free chair while taking the other, glancing at the book titles scattered around.

“Alright, coffee for you, tea for me and cookies for both!” Lilah announced as she returned with one Styrofoam cup in one hand, one mug on the other and balancing a plate on top. “If you could move those two.”

Keanu complied with her request, picking up the books she pointed out so she could set her burden on the table and sat down.

“I’m guessing you’re studying psychology?”

“What gave it away?” she took the books from him and set on the floor, by her bag. “I’m a Ph.D. candidate at Steinhardt. On my last year, hence the chaos…” Lilah gestured at the mess of books and notes and he chuckled.

Once again the awkward silence set between them and Keanu cradled his coffee cup, trying to figure out what to say. It had been so long since he felt like a tongue-tied teen like this. His only comfort was that Lilah seemed to be just at loss for words as he was.

“So, uh, you got a Neruda book. I’ve, uh, head some great things about him,” Lilah said, finally breaking the silence and he sighed in relief.

“He’s pretty good,” Keanu said, picking up the book and offering to her.

“I’ve never been a big fan of poetry,” Lilah said flipping through it. “There a few I like, like The Raven and some by Augusto dos Anjos, but I prefer prose.”

“I don’t know that last one.”

“Oh, he’s Brazilian. I’m not sure if his stuff was ever translated to English.”

Lilah took out her phone and searched for something, before offering to Keanu.

He took it from her hands, his fingers brushing against hers and it felt like a spark of electricity had shot through him. When Keanu met Lilah’s gaze again, she was frowning, and he wondered if she felt the same.

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Keanu looked back at the screen, attention being drawn by one of the darkest and most bizarre sonnets he ever read in his life.

“Why on Earth do you like that?” he asked once he finished.

“Because it’s weird!” Lilah declared, grinning. “It almost feels like he looked at everyone else doing love poems and shit and just: Nah, let’s get scientifically morbid. I’ve always thought that was pretty awesome.”

“What’s wrong with love poems?” Keanu asked, leaning forward on the table a little as he watched her.

Her eyes seemed to glow with excitement as she talked, her entire face lid up and her smile was gorgeous.

“Nothing’s wrong with them,” she commented tracing patterns on the table. “If you like reading millions of versions of the exact same thing.”

Lilah looked up at him, spotting a small dismissive smirk on her lips and Keanu chuckled, pushing the book towards her.

“Neruda’s different,” he assured with a smile. “Give it a try.”

“Keanu, no. You’ve just bought this.”

“It’s just a loan,” Keanu said. “Just give me a call when you’re done, we’ll get coffee and talk about it.”

“You’re sure?” She asked, taking the book and he nodded. “Thank you. I promise I’ll take good care of it. There is a special level of hell for people who mistreat borrowed books, you know?”

“Oh really?” he couldn’t have but smile at her.  

“Yes! It’s the same one reserved for people who talk during movies and E.L. James,” she joked, and Keanu laughed.

“Good to know,” he replied, picking up his helmet as he noticed the time. It was almost seven. He completely lost track of time.

“I should get going. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Thanks for the loan.”

Lilah got up too and walked him to the front door of the store. When he turned to look at her, he noticed she was holding the book cradled against her chest.

“Sonnet XI is my favorite.”  

Keanu wasn’t sure why he said it, but it earned him a small, shy smile as she nodded and held the door for him.

“It was really nice to meet you, Keanu.”

“You too, Lilah.”

tbc

Go to part 3

Taglist (give me a shout if you want to added.)

@poisonedjoinery @ringa-starr @curly-minnie @i-cant-remember-my-old-login

@caryled @beyond-antares @kathorax @krazycags01 @meetmeinthematinee

@red-pill-blue-pill

@baphometwolf666

@soarocks

@imagine-the-fanfics

@moonlit-raven-haven

@cumberbatchbaps

@coolbreezeinkeanureeves

[strouja]

Turned 55 - A day in the life

I did this 5 years ago when I hit 50 and figured I’d do this again.  To capture a moment in time and what I did on typical day, but it just happened to be my birthday Sept. 1, 2020

Late night working

I got inspired and decided to improve our security profile on our product on a very minor issue, but it would be nice do.  So after midnight, which made it my birthday I researched on how to only allow Transport Layer Security (TLS) version 1.2 (and not allow earlier versions) to parts of our system used for internal communications.  This is a minor issue as we lock this down for all customer access and this is just for our own “system to system” communication.  So I looked up how to do this for something called Kibana and WebSphere liberty.  I checked in config file changes into something called github for our product and sent a “pull request” to have an expert review it.

So it is now 1:30 am and I’m ready to call it a night.

Can we sleep now

The wife comes up to bed and we agree to NOT let our dog Winston sleep in our bed as he can make it hard for us humans to sleep.  I would have him stay with us but Linh is not in favor.

So he whines outside our door for a good 15 minutes or so.  Now we are ready to sleep.

All of sudden we hear him barking constantly.  He behaves as a guard dog and we are perplexed as there is never anything going on late at night.  This is relentless.  After about 10 or 15 minutes of this I go out to see what the hell is going on.  He is in the next room, on my 16 year old son's bed looking out the window barking at something in the darkness. 

So I put his LED collar on and let him run around the house and chase until his heart’s content.  He stays outside for 1/2 hour or so.  I entice him back in and close the curtains in William's bedrooms so he won't go crazy barking anymore.  So I think.   FYI my son William is passed out in the basement on a new giant bean bag.Now it is probably 2:30 and I'm finally ready to sleep.  But no, we hear Winston barking non-stop again. 

FYI this never happens, normally it is peaceful here at night and the dog does not bark at things past 9 pm or so. It turns out whatever animals he saw before are still out there and he can see them from the windows on the 1st floor.  My wife is fast asleep.  I can't sleep because of this and possibly from my short but pretty hard 10 minute bike workout earlier today and the more than normal amount coffee I had today.  I normally just have  one cup but drank some leftover coffee in the afternoon.I probably fall asleep at 3 am or so.I have a 9 am meeting I have to get up for.

Working for the Man - IBM

Since I work from home I am able to get up right before my 9 am meeting. Then I run a meeting at 9:40 with my boss and my boss’ boss to go over how to allocate our finite internal cloud resources that one team wants to consume all of it.  This is all done by Webex video & audio conferencing (like Zoom).

We have a bunch more meetings.  Then I get a break sometime before noon.

Catching last 20 km of Tour de France Stage 4

When I get a break I put on the TV and through my Roku 3 put on NBC Sports Gold (without ads and European commentary)  to see if today’s Tour de France stage is still on.  I find out the race is still live and it is mountain top finish and there are 20 km left.  So this is the perfect time to watch.  I catch up on work while hearing the race and glimpsing at it.  

Although I’m an avid cyclist, race myself, and lead a fast ride every week (normally 2 times a week but reduced to one because of covid-19 and with a smaller group), I’m not a big fan of pro bike racing because I know all the top names and riders are still doping.  So I know only a fully doped rider has a chance of winning today’s stage, especially because it is mountain top finish. 

Fixing my bike

After my ride on Sunday with my former teammates: Ray Plewacki, Vic Siegfried, and Dave Fuentes, I asked my buddy Ray P. if he can fix some shifting problem of my bike this week.   He texted me earlier in the day and he agreed to come over during his lunch break.   He arrives at 12:30 as I have another meeting going on.  I tell my boss I will have to duck out of the meeting.  He is fine with that.

Ray does his magic and does micro adjusting on my Shimano DuraAce Di2 electronic shifting.  I could not shift into one of the mid gears in the back.  Ray figured it out for me.  So I’m all set for Tuesday Night World Championships.

Bike Ride

I eat my Overnight Oats in the very late morning and later on eat my vegan lentil based meal I made yesterday in the instant pot.   I finish up work, then clean my bike (clean the drive train) and put bike in car.

I drive to bike ride and get FaceTime video call from my Don Cayelli on the ride over to wish me happy birthday.  We agree to have our families go to North Carolina in a few months for a mini-vacation.  We talk about a bunch of things and he asks how old the guys I ride with.  I explain that the average age is about mid 30s, one guy I am older than his parents.  The best and strongest rider by far is 40 years old, a former pro - Jason Schneider.   He would not dope and had to leave the pro ranks as a result, doping was rampant (I claim it still is) but was much more out in the open.  That is the only reason why his pro bike days were cut short.

There were some notable strong riders not here, 2 of the regulars - Alex Batres and Jason Boslaugh.  Them not being here makes it much more manageable for me as the top guys feed off of others and try to outdo each other, in this process this puts the hurt on me.   Many other super strong riders have not been here for anytime this year since we resumed these small rides because of Covid-19. Two notable people in this category are: George Croghan & Ferry Gijzel.

The ride tonight is very hard, 3 loops with hills about 12 miles each loop.  We average 22.5 mph with stopping for lights every loop.  So a pretty hard ride.  I stay with the lead group but make a mistake on 2nd lap and don’t follow a very strong move (that I was told about) and end up doing a few miles solo to catch many 3 people and pull us most of the way to the main group on “Bennett Road” and catch them at the light.

Here is the strava from tonight’s ride

https://www.strava.com/activities/3998711104

This is missing pics of the strongest rider - Jason Schneider

Getting heckled on the ride

On the ride I get comments from the 2nd strongest rider on the ride about joining AARP.  This kid is 27 and I am older than his parents. Spencer Lofgran is this person of interest. 

Close the gap on the ride

On the last lap I was gaped a bit on a flat portion - Lawyers road as I was behind 3 folks that were not continuing the ride and the 4 guys in the front started hammering.  The strongest guy comes back and gives me a massive push that pushes me past all the riders.  This was by far the strongest push I ever received on the bike

Catching up with Mates

In the parking lot after the ride my buddy Vic Siegrfried is there waiting to wish me happy birthday.    Here is a pic from Sunday ride with me, Ray Plewacki (middle) and Vic 

Catching up with former work mates - IT Legend

I drive home and call a good friend of mine from work Anthony Zawacki to catch up with him.  He was our best worker by far but in our last round of layoffs was dismissed.  He is an IT rockstar doing great at his new job.  He asks me a work question and that reminds me to contact a team using our product to help them avert a Kubernetes problem of an expiring certificate and to fix it before it expires.

Working for the man again

I get home and hop back on my new work issued MacBook Pro 16″ laptop to figure out the commands I want the customer to run. The commands are not in our official doc and I eventually find the commands that work.  I test them on my own test system at an IBM lab and give them to support to get to them to the customer.  I no longer have contacts with the on-site team as the main person I worked with left IBM. 

I then write a long slack message to our documentation person to explain why we need these commands in our documentation. I then give sample output of the commands and what we are looking for.

The next day I spend a few hours doing more testing and spend an hour with our doc person to make all the changes to our official doc that I then get out to our customers on this release of our product.

Birthday Cake

My wife bought a 2 cakes, chocolate mousse with raspberries and apricot tart. 

I eat 100% plant based foods (past 8 months or so) but broke that tonight to eat the chocolate mousse

We FaceTime my daughter Sophia at the University of Virginia (UVA), I light candles, and we sing happy birthday with Linh, Sophia (on iPhone), William and our infamous dog - Winston.  Here are some poor photos I took in haste.

Trippy Lights & Wall Art

As I’m heading to bed my son shows me the LED lights we bought him for his bedroom and some very funky psychedelic wall art whose appearance change dramatically as the LED lights change colors.