#except not anymore bc im gonna go be unconscious

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

science brain vs hopeless romantic brain, who will win

[not-your-fucking-kacchan]

NAOSOBDNEJD NWJXBD PLSPSLPSL OKAY SO I HAVE AN IDEA FOR LIKE A BIG MHA FANFIC

SO.

Im imagining that reader has a quirk thats basically similar to ajin: demi human (ITS ON NETFLIX GO WATCH IT RN ITS SO GOOD) where basically reader is invincible <3

Ofc it has a lot of drawbacks lol bc we cant be a mary sue BUT

The character profile is basically that reader cannot die. They can feel pain and be injured but they heal very fast and it has a cool looking black smoke effect and the noise the cells make when recreating themselves scratches my brain so nice

The only way to kinda kill them is to cut off their head but even then, they wont die, theyll just regenerate a new head while the decapitated one dies- and its like respawning but like reader is afraid of that happening bc she wont be her anymore- itll be something else

BUT reader doesnt have a black ghost as powerful and it can only appear for a couple of seconds. (A black ghost is basically a ghost that the reader summons as like another fighter in battle and it looks like a mummy who was dipped in ink)

Reader uses their invincibility to basically charge headfirst into battle without consequence bc she likes being an angry dumb bitch <3

But with this comes the drawback of intense paranoia- if she falls unconscious shes done for because her body doesnt class that as danger and wont heal, but if reader dies the body regenerates straight away and she wakes up in an instant

So reader is scared of going to sleep and being unconscious and is terrified of torture because she cant die. Im thinking of making an entire fic like this pls omg and its gonna be super angsty

And im thinking of making it a deku x reader because hes so pure so hes gonna be a big help in changing some of readers bitter and disturbed thoughts

Reader besically becomes the mikasa to izukus eren (except from the part where everything in aot goes to shit 💀)

PLSPLSPLS I JUS WANNA DO A FIC WHERE AN AGRY DELINQUENT READER IS NURTURED AND CARED FOR AJBSIVHZCFUBSOJVSGUVIHDVOJXD

[tjskipping]

Cyrus helping to train Tj for football tryouts (think kiss sit ups) but not realizing that it's a full contact sport until day of the tryouts. At which point he freaks out and gets PROTECTICE AF (bonus points if tj makes the team with Cyrus getting scared everytime tj gets tackled but eventually gets used to it and then becomes SUPPORTIVE AF for his football boyfriend ;)) pls,

okay so this is sO cute but im having a slight crisis abt which football this is but i assume bc of the tackling it's american football, except all I know abt that is "TOUCHDOWN" so excuse my mistakes skdkkd

(but feel free to imagine whatever football you want, and if anyone wants to educate me further, feel free lol)

°°°

cyrus is in his room, doing homework, when tj bursts in with a huge grin and declares that he's gonna try out for football

cyrus is surprised, but he's like heck yeah!! supportive bf mode

"i thought basketball was your thing" "you're the one that says i should step out of my comfort zone, underdog"

cyrus decides he's going to be the best supportive boyfriend ever so he does everything from looking up practice tips for tj, to kissing him for every lap he runs

(if this was a movie there would totally be a montage here for cyrus helping him train and rewarding him with kisses. tj asks marty to train with him and when he beats him, cyrus rushes in to hug him enthusiastically. cue marty in the background going, "it's just one goal..."

the day of tryouts, he's sitting in the bleachers, decked with his usual cheer and an unconscious loving smile

he doesn't really know much about, football, but he figures it can't be that different from basketball, right? it's a sport and there's a ball. practically the same thing

imagine his horror the first time someone tackles tj. is this legal??? why isn't the coach doing anything?? what has tj gotten into????

he spends the rest of tryouts on the edge of his seat, and as soon as it ends he's rushing down to tj and inspecting him for potential injuries and tj just barely stops a trip to the nurse by promising he's okay a million times

the next day, cyrus is greeted by tj who picks him up and spins him around, yelling that he's made the team

cyrus is so proud of him, but now he's even more worried that tj's gonna get hurt

whenever he goes to tj's practices, he has to stop himself from jumping in and barricading tj from all the rough housing

whenever tj plays games with his new football buds in the park, cyrus always spams his phone with texts asking if he's fine

tj doesn't think much of it, but when it's the day of his first game and cyrus looks like a walking zombie, he pulls him aside and asks if he's okay

and cyrus breaks down and confesses that he's afraid tj's going to get hurt, and the nightmare he had last night and, it's so dangerous, tj, one wrong move and-

tj's heart fills with love for this boy who just spent the entire night worrying about his safety and he pulls in cyrus for a kiss and then cups his face, reassuring him that he's going to be okay

and cyrus doesn't know why but the way tj looks in his eyes and says it, says his name, suddenly he's not afraid anymore

and then the coach calls tj as the game is about to start and cyrus pulls in tj for a last kiss and whispers an i love you, before running back to the rest of the audience

in the game, tj kippen performs the best he ever has, and in the bleachers, cyrus goodman's voice rings out the loudest amongst all the others

°°°

this turned out kinda long and it's kinda messy but i hope you liked it!! thank you for the prompt <3

send me headcanon prompts yall!!

(reblogs and comments appreciated <3<3)

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou. 

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights. 

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire 

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes. 

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?" 

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

[autobaby]

i have no one that supports me irl i need something someone that understands even a tiny bit my mom is absolutely disgusting and so fucking awful im so sad that shes like this and wont ever change to being good again instead of evil to me shes gone and shes been gone for so long but she continues to torture me bc i continue to try to express to her how im feeling how im hopeless and desperate and suffering bc i have no one else to express those things to everyday except tumblr and her responses make me wanna self harm or jump off the balcony i dont want to even explain but shes in a cult u get it her ideas and mind are fucked and brainwashed she cant get out of it shes stuck there no matter what it doesnt even matter cause shes gone she is not herself she doesnt exist anymore she doenst do anything anyways in a way shes less alive than me thats just not right idk what to do im terrified everyday conscious or unconscious im exhausted my body hurts and aches im very unhealthy i have no energy or appetite i have no hope ive been living the same day in hell everyday for a year consecutively now due to covid rarely rarely going outside and not far if i do im stuck in a cage a mental cage and a physical one i need help to get out i have no clothes to wear no where to go nothing to do and no one to meet or interact with i have a cat now but im still completely alone and hopeless depression took away all my hobbies passions and interests nothing distracts me from the depression anxiety and pain anymore sleeping doesnt help or give me any release or break but at least i can fall asleep i live in a dark hell hole in the same chair the same room the same bed everyday not moving nothing new no stimulation except watching videos and trying to watch movies but i cant even watch movies im uncomfortable and cant stay focused everything is meaningless and has been forever it feels like it’s been forever since anything has happened or changed im literally in limbo hell but its my own personal hell cause i’ve lost my soul i cant be myself and sing or make art or play or have fun or do anything new and exciting im wasting my precious life beautiful shining body and brain consciousness and soul u know i hate wasting good pure things it gives me great immense anxiety my hair is disgusting cause its so frizzy from all the hair falling out and growing back out again everything is disgusting and bad like actually gross everyday is literally a horror film for me to live through or should i say suffer and rot through bc im not alive there is no living i do not feel pleasure or pleasant or any sort of good in anyway idk what to do at all ive been waiting for some sort of help for years the only thing making me go on is the blind belief that things wont always be this way it wont always be absolutely shitty right? i mean idk things have been known to be bad forever for people but it wont be for me right? something will change for good? it has to right? it cant be like this forever that doesn’t make sense not that anything makes sense ever but the simulation has to change it cant stay static right? right i hope so with the little tiny hope i have left please come and help me i cannot do this anymore if i lose all hope forever its not gonna be good for anyone or anything please help me before its too late i dont wanna die physically yet save me get me out of here! im begging please do something anything!!!

[omanu]

ok. im feeling some type of way and it's time for trigger warning suicide depression n idk how to put the read more thing anymore so here we go (i say this as if ppl are here,, I'm p sure 90% of my followers are inactive)

so, lately I've been thinking about ugliness and how I can't stand that I am a true ugly person. like, in appearance, im pretty much what ppl would call ugly. and this is something humans created I know, but it is what it is, and just bc it is made up, it doesn't mean i don't suffer from it. and i don't like when ppl go out of their way to tell me im not ugly, bc i know how I am treated bc of my appearance. my entire life I was treated as an ugly person, so I am, and I know it, I know what I'm talking about, I'm not,, trying to fish for compliments bc I know some ppl genuinely might think I'm not ugly, but actually, if you are my online friend you just don't know how i look and, as for my irl friends they tell me that bc im a nice person and they like me. but, objectively, im hideous. so. yeah. im ugly.

i find myself accepting this reality unconsciously, sometimes I don't care, sometimes i don't think about it, sometimes is all I think about. and my ugliness is related to fatphobia and racism and just fuckin asymmetry, a picturesque thing, if you studied art just a little you know what I mean. so, anyway, sometimes I think i can pull it off when I'm skinnier but I've never been happier about how ugly I look no matter how fat or skinny I've been, and I'm currently obese and I've been super skinny too and it just feels the same. so, tonight I'm just sitting here thinking about how this affected me and shaped my personality and i always cry of course. and somehow this connects to my inability of making friends or even talking to ppl. now. this friends subject is a very complicated thing to talk about bc i have online friends who understand me on the most deepest level and I can truly count on them, the only problem is that they are not here, and idk if they wanted to be by my side as much as I want them to be by mine. and that's fine, they have their own life. and my friends irl are ppl who I love too but they are no way, in an emotional level, close to me. I have nothing to share w them, no common interests. we just like each other. and, tbh, I have accepted I won't form a complete bond, in my terms, with anyone, or be loved, or be known how I want to. i truly don't know if this is a reasonable desire, but I feel like that's how I want to have friendships: share interests, enjoy each other's companies, truly know each other, be together in the same place, think about each other, do nice thinks you like together. I think that's pretty much all I want, and I have it in pieces, separated by distance and by liking. this can form something, but it doesn't fit. i also don't know if this is me going after some kind of perfection that is not real, but some people look like they have that, and in a way, i have it too, but i still feel incomplete. which leads me to another subject, which is suicide.

i really wanna commit suicide, and I believe that's how I will go. i have no faith I will be okay with living, and if I don't kill myself, I'll just live a miserable life anyway, so there is no difference, except if I don't kill myself my mom wont have to deal w this mess.

like, the is no way I will live well. i can't learn to love myself and i don't even want to love myself, so i know it's going to be like this forever. and im thinking about jjong and his suicide letter. I mean, why can't I do it? it's my life. everything has been the same and will be the same. why do I have to endure this pain for nothing? i don't believe in god and i don't believe in hell or in heaven or anything. i think nothing will happen to me when I die, when I kill myself, except I will stop existing and that all i want for almost decade. this will not. change. im not gonna lie, I want the attention, I want ppl in my.life to know im about to lose it, I wanna try to kill myself and fail and go to a psych ward and make everyone worried and then get back home and then try again and again and again. but my mom would lose her mind, I just want attention and this attention won't change anything cuz im still myself. and I'm doomed bc i am myself. I wanna die but I also wanna stay so i can hurt myself and pity myself and try to get more and more attention threatening I will kill myself. do i really wanna kill myself. dikslff I'm laughing cuz I was thinking about creating an account on weverse and write how i can't find friends and I want bts to see it and I want them to say something but I won't see it cuz I will be dead. or, I want to feel the sadness when no one comments when no one shows interest. or I wanna receive hate in my dms saying that I'm guilt tripping ppl. i want all of this attention. this is what I'm doing right now, trying to get an anonymous message here too! but it has to be anonymous! if it's no not, it's not gonna be special, it won't feel good. ok, I'll sleep and then I will wake up and delete all the posts I made on twt and this post bc the embarrassment of not receiving a single message, a single note, and the embarrassment of just the things I've said will be too much and I will go on and tell myself: what did you expect. this is exactly what should happen to you. nothing. I am the person who says I'm gonna kill myself to the wrong audience. I am the person pretending. if i was the real deal, I'd do it in front of my mom. my dad. they would go around and do things for me. why can't I do that? if that's what I want? im not talking about dying. I want my movie to contain all the times I said I was gonna kill myself and no one showed up on my curious cat. no dm. no notification pop up. i want delete my social media so people someday think about me and go try to find my @ and they can't find anything so they think: wow did he die. and then i want them to worry. but I have to know about it.

im not crying anymore. i want to hurt myself and I want ppl to see it. and i wanna die and I want them to know about it. but i can't know if they will know about it when I'm dead. this is making me laugh because life is the only thing we know. we can't even imagine how is it like to be dead. we simply don't know.

anyways. I'm not gonna do anything as always. if anyone has any idea why I don't just kill myself, please let me know.

[ritingsandwramblings]

Sunshine Part 1 (Ben Platt x Reader)

Prompt: requested by @just-another-imagine-writer : “Ben Platt/Reader in which reader is super anxious (generalized anxiety) and he tries to help as best as he can and tells her about how brave they are/how Evan would have handled his anxiety (since the reader heavily depends on Evan Hansen’s character as well as Ben himself) *screaming internally bc I don’t like asking off anon but I’m pretty sure you could write this way better than I coULD!!!*”

IM SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG FUCK

Gender neutral Reader btw!!

Warnings: anxiety, anxiousness, spoiler to the first lines of the show ig,

This is two parts bc I felt like this was too long to add a part about Ben helping the reader by saying what Evan would do. 💕💕

I said I while ago I wasn’t gonna write anymore cast member fics bc I didn’t feel like I could know them well enough to get their personality perfectly accurate but here you go it’s an exception bc this prompt is so cute and I feel like I can get Ben pretty accurate after being a ben platt stan™ for like 5 years now lmao. Also I’m so flattered that you think I could write this so good tysm!!!!

Honestly I did so much research for this I didn’t wanna fuck up the GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) parts and not describe them well because I didn’t want to not make it serious enough or just get it wrong bc GAD exposure (or any mental illness exposure) is so important to some people and if I’m gonna contribute to that exposure I’m not gonna get the info wrong!!! Source credits is Wikipedia tho tbh I read the entire wiki article on GAD. Also I tried to include Reader helping Ben too since Ben has anxiety as well so!!! Cute fluff of such a healthy helpful relationship!!!

Nickname (and title) credit to @chelykat451-blog Tysm!!!!

•••••

You had cried the first time you went to see Bens show. It was a clear memory for you, going to the Music Box Theatre much earlier than when the show was set to start. It was the opening night for their move to Broadway, so the street leading up to the theatre was crowded with cameras, fans, and interviewers all dying to get a glimpse of the cast. Ben brought you with him early, hoping that the rest of the cast and crew wouldn’t be mad about him bringing you backstage. You could hear the crowds from down the street, and your increasingly clammy hand began to unconsciously tighten around Bens. He looked at you, knowing your feelings of anxiety reciprocated his own and feeling sympathy. Pulling the hood of your jacket tight, you and Ben walked fast towards the stage door, you on the inside closest to the building, him on the outside waving to fans and smiling to a few before he got to the door, letting you two in.

Once inside the door you let out a shaky breath you didn’t know you were holding, closing your eyes and leaning against a wall, letting your head fall back against it. Ben hesitantly grabbed your shoulders, almost pulling away when you jumped at the contact. You leaned into his chest though, not letting him pull away just yet. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed the top of your head.

“Hey, you were so brave, okay, Sunshine?” He said, using his nickname for you, a reference to your large love for the Beatles song Here Comes The Sun, “I’m so proud of you, you did it! Go Y/N!” Ben whispered into your hair, kissing your head again as you giggled into his chest. Pulling away slowly, he looked into your eyes and gave you a reassuring smile, before taking your hand in his and leading you up the stairs to his dressing room, where you stayed while he got ready for the show. You sat on the couch in his room after stripping off your coat and watched while he prepared. It was mesmerizing watching him put on his costume and get his hair and makeup done. He was so dedicated and focused and you couldn’t be more proud of him. When it reached seven they opened the doors for the nights audience to enter, the rush of the pushing crowd getting louder as more people filed into the theatre. You rubbed your right thumb against the palm of your left hand nervously, bouncing your leg as you knew eventually you’d have to go to your seat and you were sure something would go wrong somehow. Ben noticed your anxiety and walked over, kneeling in front of you on the floor, resting his chin on your knee that wasn’t bouncing, his hands resting on your waist.

“It won’t be long, Sunshine, okay? You’ll only be out there for forty-five minutes and then I’ll be onstage, okay? Just forget everyone around you and focus on me.” Ben said, looking up into your nervous eyes. You looked up from your hands and met his eyes, giving him a reassuring close mouthed grin, silently telling him you would be okay and could do this. You stood up, him following, and wrapped your arms around him in a big hug.

“I love you, and I’m so unbelievably proud of you, Benny,” you told him, feeling slightly emotional as you thought of this journey and all that Ben had done, “Now, break an arm!” You said, joking about the cheesy ‘break a leg’ saying and his characters broken arm. He snorted, his nose crinkling as he laughs.

“Thank you. I love you too, you nerd,” He kissed your forehead before you left his warm embrace, leaving his dressing room and going through a series of doors and down many sets of stairs until you got to your seat. It was in the front toe, with the rest of the friends and family of the cast, next to Ben’s parents and siblings. You smiled at his mom as you sat next to her, your seat being on the outside of the row so nobody was on your left side. She talked excitedly to Bens father for the next forty minutes while you continuously rubbed your thumb on your hand.

~~~~~

After the never ending forty minutes wait, the show started. You watched, tearing up at the sight of your boyfriend on stage, on Broadway, the lead in a show. You knew he was fulfilling his dream, and you couldn’t describe the pride you had for him.

���Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, because, because all you have to do is just… just be yourself… and also confidence…” Ben began to ramble as his character, the audience and you included giggling at his nervous rambling. Soon enough, Rachel entered the stage as his mom, but your eyes were still glued on Ben. You noticed his anxious behavior and how he began chewing his nails and messing with the hem of his shirt and you geared up once again. You didn’t stop crying even after the show ended, many hours later.

~~~~~

“Oh my god, Benny, that was beautiful!” you say excitedly as you walk down the hallway backstage to meet up with Ben. He was sweaty and has tears staining and snot covering his face, but you didn’t care. You ran up to him and pulled him into a tight hug, still crying hard from the show.

“Thanks, Sunshine! You liked it? Oh I’m so glad you liked it!” Ben said with just as excitement, his nose crinkling in happiness again.

“Liked it? I loved it!” You pulled away and wiped your tears, even though t was pointless as more continued to fall. Even if Ben wasn’t the lead, the show was still amazing and meant a lot to you. It was very emotional for you being able to see representation of a teen with anxiety, since you were diagnosed when you were fifteen and had dealt with generalized anxiety ever since. Ben knew this, and had told you about the show and character when he first landed the part, telling you that he wanted to use some of your ticks and traits to help make Evan more realistic. You agreed, of course, wanting to see a realistic anxiety representative in media.

“You did great, Benny, that was perfect.” You cried, grabbing each side of his face and giving him a kiss. He rested his hands on your tear-stained cheeks as well, kissing back just as passionately as you did to him.