#except everyone is aspec now.

[scribefindegil]

we'll be back to your regularly scheduled Mobblogging tomorrow sometimes you just gotta experience a visceral flashback to your blorbos of hyperfixations past

[redysetdare]

I'm gonna tell you right now that no aspec person in the community has it better than any other. no one has it worse than any other. We all have it bad in multiple different ways and to claim someone has it better or worse is just oppression Olympics bullshit and an excuse to pretend you're punching up when you're just causing infighting.

No Aroaces are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No Alloaces are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No aroallos are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No other a-attractions are not treated better than any other aspec identity.none of these guys are treated worse than each other either.

everyone faces issues. everyone's issues are different. some issues have overlap. some issues are the same with just a different coat of paint. You do not get to down play other peoples problems just because you want to put yours forward. You can bring up your problems without down playing other peoples. Alloaces face oppression by being called abusive for not having sex with their partners. They get broken up with, labeled as mentally ill or told they have a medical issue, and threatened with conversion therapy to "fix" them. Aroallos get called abusers because they don't want romantic relationships and dont feel romantic feelings towards people. they get harassed and labeled mentally ill for their identity. Aroaces are called broken and often not believed when it comes to their identity. society cannot imagine someone who is not interested in romance or sex and people will often believe aroace is an identity used as an excuse and will try to force themselves onto aroace people to "change their mind" or "make an exception" Other a-attractions get thrown under the bus as being told their problems aren't "real issues" or that they're "mentally unwell" or "Evil" for not feeling their certain kind of attraction. Aplatonics get called "Anti social freaks" or "Assholes with no friends" and Afamilials get called "Terrible people" because they "Don't care about their family" and so on.

We all have problems. Society does not accept any of us. Stop trying to claim one of us has it better and that makes it okay to downplay their issues in favor of your own. We are not enemies. We are not your oppressors. We are all struggling the least we can do is fucking support each other. Some of y'all are starting to repeat acephobic talking points from the ace discourse era but with a different coat of paint to frame whatever aspec identity you're talking about as the problem and it's only really coming off as aphobic on your end.

[agentofanarchy110]

ask me anything

I’m so damn bored

crying about my life as a single person despite being aspec

I need PARTNER

(it’s the full moon I always go crazy now so ignore me)

BUT WHYYYY

everyone has someone except me 😞

[styrofauxm]

This isn't my first post on this, and it probably won't be my last. But whatever. I have things I want to say.

Before we start, I want to be clear that this isn't meant to make anyone feel bad for shipping aspec characters. It's to provide another perspective for people (especially non-aspec people) to consider when engaging with aspec characters. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with shipping any characters, but I also think there's sometimes more to it than "it's fiction and I want to."

It's Just Fiction

And actually, that's the first thing I want to address. The idea that because it's just fiction, it is harmless. That simply isn't true. We know that implicit biases can be formed and supported by fiction. We also know that fiction can reveal a writer's implicit and explicit biases. Fanfiction isn't any exception.

If an allo person writes an aspec character in a romantic relationship, without properly understanding and/or conveying that character's identity, that inaccurate portrayal of our real-life experiences is what many readers will come away believing to some extent. If the writer shows any disdain towards aspec people, even entirely unintentionally, there will be readers who walk away with bias towards aspec people. That's simply the reality of the situation.

If you don't understand aspec experiences, you bear responsibility for people who read your work coming away with the wrong idea.

Mainstream writers are rightfully criticized for bias. You may only write fanfiction, but you are not free from criticism when that fanfiction has the potential to build up harmful mindsets.

"Aro people can still date" and "ace people can still have sex" are both true. So is "aromanticism/asexuality is a spectrum." But do you understand how being aromantic and/or asexual affects how we do those things? Do you understand the identity on the ace/aro spectrum that you claim to be writing the character as? Or are you just saying those things, then portraying the aspec experience inaccurately?

I guarantee there are plenty of aspec people who would be so happy if you asked them for their insight about their experiences. Who would be delighted to double-check your fan art or beta read your fanfic. Ask us. Please. (And if you are aspec, and trying to portray an aspec character with an experience/identity you don't have, also ask!)

Of course, that only goes for fanworks that, even poorly, incorporate an aspec character's identity. What about fanworks that completely, and deliberately erase it?

To that, I ask the most obvious question: "How would you feel if someone wrote this about a gay character or a lesbian character?" Because some people's answer is "that's fine," but many people's answer is "that's homophobia." It's a double standard. It's homophobia when it's gay and lesbian identities. But it's not aphobia when it's aspec identities.

Now, I don't fully agree with either of those. I don't think that the people doing that are certainly homophobes or aphobes. But I do think that it can be an indicator of homophobia or aphobia. Obviously, not everyone who ignores the identity of a fictional character is a bigot. But it's inaccurate to claim none of them are.

Representation

Running along those same lines, let's get into representation. Here's the wikipedia list of canon aromantic characters. There are 18 characters on it. That's right, in all media mainstream enough to have a wikipedia page (which is quite a lot of media), there are an entire 18 canon aromantic characters. The list of asexual characters is a bit longer, with 72 characters. But again, there is a crap ton of media big enough to be on wikipedia. 72 characters is a fraction of a fraction of a fraction.

What I'm getting at is that there is next to no aspec representation. And yet the first reaction to the confirmation of a character being aspec is one of hostility. It's justifications for shipping. It's saying that word-of-god isn't enough, or isn't clear enough, or is a lie. It's saying that only explicit confirmations count (even if it makes no sense within the setting).

Instead of what every other queer confirmation gets. Near-universal celebration of representation.

That aspec people aren't even afforded an minute to celebrate representation is awful. That the rest of the queer community would rather discourse than celebrate with us is awful.

And it begs the question: why do you find your ship more important than representation? And why is that only the case with aspec representation?

Aspec Experiences

Part of growing up aspec for many people is not even knowing that our experience is real. It's believing that there is something wrong with us and if we just do the right things then we can be normal.

The message that everyone wants to have sex and fall in love is pushed by everyone in our lives, and is supported by almost every piece of media we see.

Outside of the aspec community, our experiences are depicted as wrong.

In media, our experiences don't get shown. Or if they are shown, they are something that gets fixed by the end.

That is why we cling so hard to the slivers of representation we get. It shows our experiences as normal, as valid, as okay.

So when we see ships of those few characters, we see the invalidation of and derision towards our experiences. So yeah, a lot of us get uncomfortable.

And we shouldn't have to push that down or not talk about it simply because it might ruin some people's fun.

Aphobia in Fandom

It's not just discourse. It's dogpiling aspec people who talk about our representation. It's harassing and sending death threats to aspec people who share their opinions on shipping aspec characters. It's all of that, and more, without anyone else from the queer community stepping in and defending us.

The same happens when we rightfully point out and criticize amatonormativity and aphobia in media and fandom spaces.

The same happens when we just post a headcanon.

Aspec people can only participate in fandom on the terms of alloromantic and allosexual people. The moment we start bringing our experiences into how we interact with media is the moment we get pushed out.

Beyond the more overt stuff, there's also a ton of subtle stuff. Ranging from "friends don't do stuff like that" all the way to insisting that a character is evil because they don't feel love (whether or not that's canon).

And if a character is confirmed to be aspec? Everything gets turned onto the max setting. Ironically, canon representation has the effect of making us less safe in fandom spaces.

Conclusion

I will not ask you to put down the ship. If you want to ship aspec characters, so be it. But do so with awareness of it's actual impact.

Understand that the fanart/fanfic you make for a character can have a real impact on aspec people. Understand that you may be counteracting the positive effects that representation has on aspec people. Understand that you are making fandom spaces more uncomfortable, and even hostile for aspec people.

Final note: I will not engage with anyone who acts like a jerk. I will just block, and if necessary, report them. I will also assume that anyone posting vitriolic responses didn't read the whole post, or they would have seen this part.

[dootznbootz]

Aspec Penelope and Odysseus mean a lot to me and I want to ramble about it as it makes me really happy 🥺

If you don't like, don't read! Someone being aspec or sex-repulsed or sex-neutral is not insulting allos or people who are sexually active!!! And even then, some aspecs ARE sexually active just like these two end up being! This is all headcanon and any aphobes will be yeeted into the wine-dark sea. (semi-inspired by epic the musical but also...not.)

Aspec Odypen!

Both are aspec, demisexual specifically and are just like that. While they ARE Athena's pets, she didn't "make them ace". (It may have influenced why she's fascinated by them alongside their cleverness)

Both have situations that make it somewhat different in how they experience it though. I'll have what they both experience first. (Kind of just explaining what it feels like being aspec in a way, except they're shittier about it) Then Penelope as her's needs less explanation. For once in my life, Penelope isn't the one with the most stuff on her 😭

"Oh that person's very strong! Impressive! Oh, wait, is this supposed to be sexual? ...hm...Alright, I guess."

"Alright, I posed this way and looked at them like this and they seemed more open to this idea. Taking note for manipulation..."

"Goddamnit, I don't want you, I want all that silver 😩"

*sees what takes place during certain events (Symposium-esque event)* "...Yeah, I'm not doing that."

Both are pretty in their own way and use that to their advantage to get the things they want. Both get almost weirdly offended when outwardly flirted with and/or propositioned. Kind of sex repulsed (that changes when with each other but before they never really even think about it as..."What is everyone talking about? What do you mean "needs"?")

Friends? Absolutely!!! Not knowing someone but getting to know them eventually? Yeah! But the idea of only wanting to date or have sex because of appearances genuinely perplexes them both. Also, they weirdly test people and are just straight up weird and picky.

"How stupid and naive can you be to wish to court someone you know so little about? A stranger? I look pretty only to get what I want and that's not you... Yeah, we definitely won't work out. I'm going to rob you to teach you a lesson in how looks can be deceiving. I'm pretty but I'm also shitty."

"...You want to do what?! ...uh, okay... You know, what? >:) I know a place. Yeah, us naiads use it. Yep, just around here. Yes! The water is perfectly safe! Don't worry about the leeches! They're harmless! Completely normal leeches" *Steals their clothes and jewelry and leaves them to the very not-normal leeches.* What? It's not like they died!!! They shouldn't have been so stupid to trust me knowing nothing about me!"

Both also have hubris as their flaw so they also have a very shitty superiority complex about this. Fellow aspecs, don't do this!!! It's not nice!!! These two are both mean and nice and this is one of the ways they're mean. Very "While you were out doing whatever, I studied the blade" bullshit. Also, a "Me being unaffected by beauty makes me better at manipulating. Look at how stupid they get when I look all pretty, Athena. I absolutely made them believe that that was a fair deal!!!" Athena kind of encourages this behavior

Meeting each other is a very humbling experience for them both. They both actually learn that there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable with people, just because THEY'RE likely to mess with you doesn't mean EVERYONE is.

Onto Penelope Specifics

For one thing, Penelope is used to people immediately going nuts over Helen and she doesn't mind having less of the attention. As mentioned before, doesn't happen often but when people wish to possibly date, she tests, then sees "okay, I don't see this happening. I'm going to fuck with you now". She'll also just start doing weird shit in a "you think you can handle me?" way.

Thankfully, Icarius and Periboea are chill AND somewhat overprotective so the footrace usually goes in her favor of "I do not like them." Until Odysseus but you know. She just sees she won't click with most people.

Icarius and Periboea have a pretty happy marriage and she thinks that's sweet. One of her siblings doesn't have a happy marriage sadly and that's a big thing later on but she sees Helen and Menelaus with their childhood sweetheart thing going on and the other nymphs and thinks "Guess that won't be happening for me...I can be a fun river auntie." As she's kind of planning to be dedicated to the rivers fully if she can.

She also was there when Helen got kidnapped by Theseus :'D That does affect her.

Her actually testing him the same way he does when they first meet is part of the reason he falls for her so hard. "You do the same shit I do. Not only that but you were actually able to trick me! Wait, that broach, are you also one of Athena's pets?! And now we're scuttling about the castle basically entirely intuned to exactly what we're gonna do?! Oh, gods, that was so fun! Ugh, be my WIFE! 🥴 Wait, no! Sorry I scared/lied/overwhelmed you! Please give me a chance"

Her not getting a lot of genuine romantic attention has influenced her a little bit though.

She's genuinely pretty but it's in an unconventional way (sharp teeth, weird eyes, "Born in a Creek", etc.) So while at first on Ithaca, she was considered very strange, as naiad ties get better with her influence and people get more used to her, it's a "Oh, shit, she IS pretty." Also, she aged like wine. Why the suitors wanted her (also yeah, "I want to be king") and why she just didn't want them. Ofc, she wants Odysseus but she's also just someone who is usually unimpressed. (as Odysseus is as well.)

Odysseus Specifics

Very much a hopeful romantic. His mom and dad have a very loving marriage, (I want to write a thing on their love story), and knowing how his dad never took a concubine (It literally says he doesn't in the Odyssey). He wants what they have.

"Being with someone who you can be your complete self with, show all the good and the bad to and still loving each other despite it all. That's love."

As someone who is a person of many twists and turns, he desperately wants to find someone to show ALL his sides to.

So first up we have the fact that he blames the fact that he's never felt sexual attraction on the boar scar injury. (Boar Scar Idea Stuff Here) It's easier that way as he doesn't necessarily want to think about himself as being different. It makes people "pity" him in the sense of "Oh, you poor thing, you're so beautiful but that boar ripped you apart so horridly. Taking away your ability to feel such things and leaving a disgusting scar."

It's very frustrating for him because he IS very beautiful and so people are attracted to him often. He wants to be left alone. He knows what he wants. Fuck off.

Ancient Greece was fine with Nudity but he, being quite ripped up and "not all there" by the boar, isn't really comfortable with it. People often stare and him, being hotheaded, he's like "What are you looking at? I'll kick your ass!". It's kind of a convenience though because it also makes people leave him alone.

He's had "one relationship" but it was basically just a kiss. He had a one-month romance with someone that ended badly.

Then OdyPen meets each other. >:D

Clarifying this as I know I talk about it a lot with how "Odysseus was in love at first sight" and... YEAH. but also not. It's more of a "This is the fucking best and I KNOW that we'd be incredible together." He chills out a bit as he got that ADHD (they both do) and was all up in his emotions. Other folks with ADHD know when you get too excited and just...become a LOT. It was that. He calmed down a bit and realized he WAS overwhelming her, STILL wants to marry her but isn't in love yet as they JUST MET. And they finally get to know each other more and then he actually falls in love.

Penelope was always somewhat intrigued by him but it was only when he chilled out a bit and let her lay the ground rules of them getting to know each other. And she was in deep denial, then she was hit by a truck when she couldn't deny it any longer.

During the War

He doesn't have any listed concubines (Hecuba was an old woman in her 60s-70s...Be reasonable.) and even in the Iliad, he thinks of Penelope often. And when offered, he threatens or just is passive-aggressive, and eventually people understand that "I wouldn't do that if I were you. He'll probably stab you."

With the fact that in the funeral games, he is mostly invested in getting the shiny and fancy ITEMS instead of winning for the pretty slaves. That also gives me big "I don't fucking care about that, WHERE'S THE MONEY?!"

With how Nauplius (Palamedes' father), tried to get Penelope to believe that "oh your Odysseus plans to replace you." and how she was like "pfft, fuck that. That's a load of shit. My Odysseus would never. Get outta my palace." that yeah, Penelope knows how he rolls.

With he's quite uncomfortable with Nausicca's crush on him despite her being young and beautiful.

Even in the beginning, the fact that he saw Helen, the most beautiful woman in the world, and was still like "eh...Ooooh, who's that woman over there that's causing chaos?". He's unaffected by beauty.

He leaves his tent alone in Book 10 of the Iliad. Like, I cannot stress enough how aspec Odysseus feels to me lol

Odypen already give Aspec vibes in the Odyssey but hearing "Man of the House" with Epic and that "She's who I saved my virginity for" was like an "YES! ASPEC!" and yeh :D He wasn't technically "saving it for her", he just never wanted it til Penelope.

Alongside "Done For" a lil bit!

"...I'm not sure I follow... What do you mean by lust? Penelope's not here...oh no..."

Idk makes me happy to write them aspec! 🥺

[aro-rambles]

Hello! My Blog isn't aspec related so I thought I'd share my two cents here

The recent aro hate on this website is INSANE. As someone who is new to tumblr, seeing this in a predominantly queer-centred website is unfathomable.

Equating aro people to "no strings attached" is illogical and stems from the allo-amato notion that there are strings to be attached in the first place. Physical pleasure and emotional fulfilment are two completely separate concepts.

Portraying cishet aro men as people who are just leading on the poor women infantilizes women. This is just misogyny packed as discourse. If a cishet aro person is indeed being a dickhead, they're just a dickhead and we can all call them out on that like we call out any other dickhead

To the queer people equating aromanticism to pedophilia, how do y'all not remember that how gay men were treated back in the day? How we were cordoned off from society to "protect the children"? Do better, people

To the aspec people being accused of doing this just to be able to use a slur, fuck that. The exclsionists seem to have forgotten what a reclaimed slur means, or what queer means. Queer simply mean strange. Have they.. forgotten that aroace people are the queerest ones out there. Challenging not only heteronormativity but also allonormatovity and amatonormativity. They're the ones being called weird for not dating or having crushes or swooning over the random hot guy on the street or fantasizing about a white wedding. The ones treated as immature by their peers for not having a partner yet. And people think they aren't queer?

Fuck the exclsionists. I LOVE your posts. I'm sure I'm surrounded by people hating in anon in your ask box and I'm sending them all the hate in my heart. I love your blog and the aro community is one of the most inclusive I've seen on here. Love y'all and stay strongggg

ok so I'm very sleepy and my brain is like some sort of sauce currently so I'm gonna put numbers before each thing I say bc it's easier, don't worry about it

1 thank you for sharing your two cents, I think I agree with everything you said (can't be sure bc my brain is some sort of sauce currently but I'm sure I'd have noticed if I disagreed)

2 I want to go on The Slur Rant (tm) so bad but the internet is simply not prepared for it and I would rather not have to deal with the annoying fucks who'd disagree with me. not sure why I said this or why I got so aggressive at the end of that last sentence but here we are.

3 I'm sure there was something else I wanted to say before what I'm gonna say next but I forgot, sorry

4 my dude you are not in fact surrounded by hate in my askbox!! there's actually more nice messages than anything else <2 and also whenever I get anon hate I just block on sight now so it's fine. but yeah I would like to thank everyone for the kind words and everything. I love yall except for the ones who rather I didn't, in which case take your pick, we got uhhh cherish, appreciate, like but stronger, and. :3 (<- consider this a verb).

5 thank youuuuuuuu <222

6 sorry I took a while to answer this ask hope you see it even though I'm posting this at horrible hours gdhdjdjdk

[ihateliterature]

I fucking hate this thing going on in fandom where there are 2 camps, one goes

"shipping has rotten people's brains. People can't consume media critically because they only care about shipping, the only way to appreciate something is to divorce it from romance and sex. That's why we should promote platonic relationships in media because they are purer and don't rot people's brains"

And the other one goes

"romance and sex are cornerstones of how we tell stories, everyone who doesn't like the amount of romance and sex in media is a puritan and a fucking child that needs to grow up. It should be MORE sex and romance in media actually"

And they are both wrong. Both of them, in so many ways

On one side, demonizing the desire some people have towards romantic and erotic stories is obviously harmful

On the other, media is overflowing with bad, harmful and gratuitous representations of sexuality and love and many of us are just fed up by it

(also, sex and romance are definitely not cornerstones of storytelling, they are common themes. Saying otherwise is not only aphobic but it also ignores the complexity of the human experience)

And now you are aromantic and asexual, and you are in the middle, because you obviously don't agree with the first camp. On top of being stupid, treating friendship as somehow "purer" promotes the idea of hierarchies between relationships by putting each type in neat little boxes and it also infantalises people who are specifically looking for committed platonic relationships

But you ALSO can't side with the other camp, because they create a environment that is just SO. FUCKING. HOSTILE. to aspecs is incredible, especially when they talk about "supporting queer artists and queer people in fandom", bc that applies only as long as you don't come in between their ship (which is usually just an imagined "threat" rather than an actual one). As an aro, you can't go in most shipping spaces, especially proship spaces, and rave about a platonic ship, you just can't do that. Antis have taken platonic ships to mean "purer, not like that icky fetish content" and now being a platonic shipper became a red flag. You can't talk about the overabundance of romance and sex in media, you can't talk about how you're happy 2 characters stayed friends. Because the shipping community is so wildly aphobic it's almost impossible for aspecs to exist in it except for a few select pockets

And now you're in the middle, because the people who you respected are actively saying that the content you want, that the content that represents you, is inferior and make fun of your desire for more, and the people that agree with you are homophobic dudebros angry as gay shippers, self important assholes and the people who think doxxing and sui baiting is the funniest things on earth

I just ...

Man, idk

I just want to have fun in fandoms without having to go through this every month or so

[innitmarvellous]

Yeah, I know, I said the last ace rant was the final part, but the third aspec book I read ('Sounds Fake But Okay') annoyed me again, lol. It wasn't all bad, but some bits...

Except that it doesn't? It never has? People say they love their friends or their family, or a character from a TV show? Or also idk, God or Jesus if they're religious. None of these imply romantic love even without specifying anything.

Well, good for her, but that's not much of a comfort, isn't it? So we'll inevitably die alone, but we don't need to fear that because we can still have friends - who'll desert us once they find a partner. Yes, well, that's certainly very nice :/

Lol, maybe that's why my existence is so "unrecognisable" then. Because I literally didn't have any friends before I started to use social media etc. And even know my biggest fear is too annoying, too boring, too whatever else for everyone - and I have a hard time to make out whether the people I consider friends consider me as such too 😭

Well, this part was at least relatable, even if I never thought about this before. Then again, it might have been the other way round for me. Being a girl/woman was literally never very important for me, and I never felt the need to adhere to gender norms just because it's expected. E.g. I never thought I needed/wanted to be pretty to be attractive for men. So it sort of did felt like things made sense when I realised that there is indeed no need for me to attact anyone with my physical looks.

---

The chapter about QPRs made me realise that this isn't an option for me either. The insecurities around this form of relationship would be simply too much for me. Like, having to agree on what the relationship looks like, what kind of things would be alright or not alright (re physical contact and all kinds of intimacy etc), how long it might last and all that...it would be near impossible to agree on anything like that once I would put in my wishes in that regard. Because it wouldn't feel right to push my demands on someone else, and yet I'm way too selfish because I also wouldn't want to live in a way another person wants me too. So...I think that's another dream I might as well bury right now, before I got into it too much. ^^

---

Yet another general thing: the books usually mentioned that we should think about what we would expect from a relationship and I did give this some thought. I think the main - and honestly almost only - prerequisite for me would be that any potential partner would accept me as I am. Well, and some mutual trust would be high up on the list, too. That's literally all I need, I think. I wouldn't mind if e.g. in case it's an allo person and they would have someone else to fulfill their sexual needs or whatever, as long as I could be sure of still having a relationship based on trust with them.

Yes, I know that this is already asking for way too much. I'm only too aware of that, so maybe it's understandable why I'm so frustrated. I know I should do it, but I'm too selfish to lower my standards, so there isn't much hope for me and I hate it :/

[cowboylikedean]

Inside the (a)Romance

For those of you who don't know, I have been in the first really like... real feelings... romantic relationship of my life for the past 10 months. Being romance replused sex indifferent aroace has really shaped my experience of this relationship. This relationship is romantic, but it is not allo and I think it would be helpful for me, other aros, and also allos to pick it apart and discuss how my romance repulsed aromanticism has affected my experience of this relationship (and also how my partner's patience has been paramount in making it work) in a new series inside the (a)romance.

I'm going to post about different stages and conversations of our relationship. This first post is kinda gonna be an overview of things that are contextual and important including my identity words and conception and also outside things that are not romance related like our history.

My identity

I identify my romantic orientation with the following words and phrases: aromantic, romance repulsed, sensuromantic. None of this has changed. My definition of sensuromantic changed and my romance repulsed label got a *exception... but all three of those are still my labels. I'm going to break down in parts to explain their meaning before and after.

Aromantic

This is the easiest label because it's barely changed. I am aromantic and my definition of that is that I am not oriented to feel romantic attraction. That has not changed. I am still not oriented to feel romantic attraction. I just happen to feel it towards him. I don't expect that to ever happen again. This hasn't changed much because I already had an exception. I had an almost-someone I had romantic feelings for in high school. We never dated because he wanted to keep it secret from his friends and I thought I was worth more than that. I've regretted not going for it anyway and hoping that after we were really good, he would want to tell his friends because I thought that was my only shot at understanding romance. Now I have another shot! So that barely changed.

Romance Repulsed

This one has changed a tiny bit, but not much. I am romance repulsed and I define that as I am turned off and made uncomfortable by displays of affection defined romantically. For example, when I was just out of high school, we went to visit my dad's family out of state at the end of July. We were there during my sister's birthday. My sister's boyfriend asked my dad privately and got my grandma's address and had flowers delivered to my sister at my grandma's house on her birthday. The whole family thought this was soooo sweet and I thought it was sooo uncomfortable and creepy. It felt overbearing and gross. I said that if a partner did that to me, I'd be creeped out and that would be a possible reason to end a relationship. When I thought about a friend doing this for me, however, it sounded SOOO sweet! It was the definition of the romance that made it feel gross and overbearing. However, if my partner did that for me, I'd be really so endeared. So this remains true for everyone except my partner. Just like with "aromantic," how I already had an exception and I just added one, my partner became my only exception here.

Sensuromantic

This is a term I coined like 10 years ago when everyone was coining microlabels before the terf-lead aphoboia ruined the aspec communities of tumblr (which btw by the WAYYYY the 2013-2015 period of time where the queer communities were made on tumblr is hitting the mainstream now and I just feel so much grief). The definition I went with was that sensual attraction "takes the place of" romantic attraction for me. The role that romance plays in other people's lives, sensuality plays in mine. I knew that I had squishes where I desperately wanted to hug and cuddle, but I also knew I had no intention for those squishes to be defined romantically. So this definition where sensuality was in the place of romance made sense. I can pinpoint the moment romantic feelings began for me in my current relationship... that's a whole post in and of itself, but it was after a very soft and sweet cuddle session. I have changed my definition that a sensual relationship is required for romantic feelings to begin. This makes sense with my high school almost someone too because we had some touching and hugging there that lead to those feelings being romantic.

Some outside things and context

I'm just going to list some stuff that's important to note before we fully get into it:

At the beginning of my current relationship, I had another partner... a qpp life partner. We were engaged and had covid not happened, we'd be filing for divorce right now. This relationship was deeply devastating for me and soooo much about myself is being redefined right now

Another reason a lot of me is in flux is my mother died in April of this year. It's the worst thing that will ever happen to me and I still can't believe it happened.

I have had one other committed relationship defined romantically. I thought I had romantic feelings for her, but I didn't. There are many things about that relationship I regret, and even moreso now that I know what an actual reciprocal romantic relationship feels like.

I am SAM aroace and my sexual orientation is absolutely a part of this story, but it isn't the point of this series. I will likely be doing a long post about it as a part of this series, but it's not the focal point. Because I'm SAM, I can focus a lot on my romantic orientation without discussing my sexual orientation.

So that's my intro post to this series! Look out for more! The next post will talk about that moment I mentioned in the sensuromantic section for when my romantic feelings started!

[vintage-bentley]

thanks for such a thurough reply ive loved ur page for a reallyyyy long time!!! also yes frankly ive found some m/m authors who i know wont pull that stuff bc they write long form and have already established early on that its actually gay so like idk people say im a fake lesbian for mostly reading m/m but its not even smut so like not to delve into gold star discourse but does yaoi fluff really take away the gold star lmfao

You’re welcome, and thank you! 💖💖

I’ve fallen out of reading fanfiction, mostly because I’ve been burned by it too many times. Even the authors I figured I could trust to not be sexist or homophobic would have some stupid line snuck in that feels like a way to say “don’t worry, everyone, I’m a follower of genderism!”. But I’m always happy for ladies who’ve managed to find things that work for them!

I think it’s really stupid to assume that a lesbian is actually straight or bi because she enjoys M/M content. I find that lesbians are held under such scrutiny with every single thing we do, in a way that gay men are not. For example, if a gay man stans Lady Gaga, nobody assumes that he’s actually bi/straight and is attracted to her. But if a lesbian stans some male celebrity or character, it’s assumed that she wants to fuck him. Which is very insulting to women, this idea that we’d only pay attention to a celeb/character if we want to fuck them. Because it implies that we’re not capable of just enjoying somebody’s artistry, or the complexity of a character the same way men are.

Personally, I’m not watching or reading things just to be horny? Okay, I’ll admit to sometimes rewatching First Kill just so I can thirst over Elinor lol, but that’s not the only reason I watch it. I genuinely love the show, the hot evil woman is just a bonus. There’s so much more to experiencing a work than just being attracted to the people/characters in it. And again, I think it’s incredibly offensive when people imply that women aren’t capable of experiencing that full range of emotions and thoughts—that our interest must start and end at sexual attraction.

And all of this applies to fanfiction. I’m just focusing on the person aspect because like I said, I haven’t read fanfiction in a long while.

Now, are there women in fandom who call themselves lesbians but clearly aren’t? Absolutely, and they drive me crazy. But it’s not just because they’re reading M/M fan fiction. It’s because they’re posting about how much they want to fuck some guy because “he’s my one exception!”. In that case, I’d hope we can all agree that that is not a lesbian. Or on the slightly less obnoxious side, they’re talking about male celebs/characters in a way that clearly shows they’re coming from a place of sexual attraction (I’ve actually seen this in particular more from self-proclaimed “asexual” women than self-proclaimed “lesbians”. They claim they’re some form of “aspec”, then start raving about a man the same way a straight or bi woman would. Nothing wrong with that, but be honest with yourselves ffs).

But if you’re just reading M/M fan fiction because you’re invested in male characters and want to see them happy? That has nothing to do with sexuality. And anyone who claims it does needs to reassess why they believe that women are so shallow that we can’t enjoy anything that we aren’t horny over.

[the-golden-dragoness]

hi beloved mutual i've never talked to!

you obviously don't have to answer but i thought i'd ask regardless. I'm not asking this out of gatekeeping or any of that "you can't use this terminology blah blah blah" crap, i'm asking this cuz i'm also aroace but don't actually know much about aroace identity and i'm trying to learn more

how can you be both bi and aroace? is it something about being on either spectrum but not being completely sex/romance repulsed, or is it something else?

thanks anyway, hope you have a great day :D

Hello there, citrus! Thank you for the ask.

While I will share my understanding of myself and why i bi-aroace as the term to refer to myself, I do have two disclaimers. First, this is a reflection of only how I use this terminology to reflect my identity, so of course other aroace people may interpret the same term differently. Secondly, this ended up being quite a long answer, so I apologize in advance, however I do find it important to share everything-- partly because I feel like leaving things out doesn't explain it as well. Also, I will share some basic things we both already know for the sake of others to follow this conversation.

I'm aroace, or aromantic-asexual. For me personally, that means I feel no romantic or sexual attraction at all. Of course its a spectrum, but this is just about me.

What many of my current mutuals may not know is that I actually identified as bisexual once upon a time! When I was in high school it was actually a friend who told me I was bisexual (she thought I knew this, but I did not), and I decided it fit me well enough to identify that way. I actually came out as bisexual when I was 17 a few years later, and for the most part, people still think I am. I do of course, consider myself aroace now, but with that identity I chose the indirect method; I don't feel the need to explicitly share it to everyone I know except my close family. While I'm no longer bisexual, I still love, participate in, and feel connection to the bi community. It's the first way I identify as bi still. This past identity has translated into my current bi identity as tertiary attraction.

Tertiary attraction is what the aspec community often uses to refer to other types of attraction outside of romantic or sexual. For me, these attractions include platonic attraction (friendship), sensual attraction (touch, such as cuddling, hugging, kissing), aesthetic attraction (looks), and alterous attraction (something other than platonic or romantic).

While I am aroace, I still consider myself a romantic, in a sense. I enjoy fantasizing about romance, something in relation to myself, but more largely in relation to fictional characters, ie. shipping in fandom. In this way, I also identify with the microlabel aegoromantic/sexual, which is essentially enjoying the fantasy of romance and sexuality, without enjoying the reality of it. I do also fantasize with respect to real people occasionally, such as popular celebrities I find aesthetically pleasing and have pleasant personalities. As in, I might say I think they're hot or sexy and say I'd enjoy doing things with them, but I wouldn't actually enjoy that in real life. They are unattainable, so everything I say about them is just fantasy. This is the second way that consider myself bi ( I suppose one might technically put this under sexual/romantic orientation, but I think the romantic/sexual aspect of is very much linked to the aesthetic and sensual aspect of it, so I suppose its a bit of both).

My friendships also actually influence my bi identity quite a bit. My friendships are all very queer, and my tertiary attractions influence that. I have very strong friendships that the average person might raise an eyebrow at, and may consider them to be more romantic than how my friends and I define them in reality. I also enjoy cuddling, hugging, and am not explicitly opposed to kissing (I don't actually kiss in my present friendships, but I digress). And of course, I love all my friends and think they are beautiful inside and out! This is the third way I identify with being bi.

The TL;DR is that I still consider myself bi because my past identification, and my current tertiary attraction that has several influences from my experiences!

I hope this helps you! Feel free to ask and message whenever you like :D

[paincaat]

hello.

welcome to my perfectly normal tacky techy typewriter-esque page. i am your humble host, PainCaat, here to bless your eyes with absolutely wonderous works of art. pleasure to be meeting you, quite a pleasure!

a bit about me, i'm an aroace breadcat who sold their soul to the overlord of cursed content and am now obligated to ruin everyone's eyes. i recently learned about the hellaverse just as hazbin released and made a tumblr blog for the first time shortly after to shitpost and make actual art about the show. somehow, this has devolved into a blog for cursed content. i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing. free me please.

Tags

🍞🐈‍⬛ - personal rambling

cursed nun cat alastor - this monstrosity

there will probably be more cursed ones in the future. stay tuned.

caatdoodles - doodle posts

FAQ

Why did you feel the need to make ___ cursed post?

Can I repost your work?

generally for personal use yes, but please ask first and include credit! the only exception to this is if you intend to use it with NSFW intent (ex. NSFW RP, commentary etc.). Just dont use my work please. it makes me highly uncomfortable to have my work attached to certain content and i will be blocking anyone who doesn't respect that

Can I request art?

feel free to drop them in my asks! i likely won't be able to get to all of them unfortunately so i will prioritize ones that i can make cursed, find funny. or can do quickly (just keep in mind i work over full time hours some weeks so there's a chance i'm not punctual with delivering depending on the nature of the request)

Commissions?

i'm still sorting out the details but i'd love to open them up! for now, if you want to commission me feel free to send me a DM and we could work something out!

Aspec Alastor?

i personally don't enjoy seeing the majority of alastor shipping content and will never make any serious shipping art. for cursed reasons or crackshipping? sometimes. (heck i don't even know how to draw a kiss properly).

that being said i do find onesided radiostatic funny at times and don't mind qpr radiorose. also its the internet, if you enjoy alastor shipping, be my guest. i just ask you to be respectful to my fellow aspecs and respect that this blog is meant to be an aspec-friendly space

Why is your art style so inconsistent?

lmao so i actually switch between using a bunch of drawing tools with varying proficiencies. i tend to do doodles on procreate or clip studio paint, and animate on krita. i would say that i'm probably best at using clip studio and krita since im more used to using a drawing tablet than a tablet screen. also i just like drawing in multiple styles for my personal art

thanks for reading - will update this as necessary :}

[strangerthings-a-side]

Aromantic Week Round Up!

We're a little on the late side, but we wanted to thank everyone who took part this week!

And to those who wanted to participate, but couldn't, we have full intention of reblogging aspec works year-round! Just keep using the #staside tag!

Now for the works we got!

Self-Discovery, by stellarspecter

New Friends, by stellarspecter

The Mystery of Stobin, by killianthebee

Exception, Not The Rule, by rogueddie

Sanctuary, by rogueddie

If we've missed anything that was posted up to this date, shoot us a message or an ask to let us know!

And lastly, thank you for everyone who joined! We hope to see y'all soon! 😉

[aq2003]

almost forgot. ten's run episode ranking (nine ranking here)

some stray thoughts and opinions under the cut

my overall ranking for the series so far would be 4 > 1 >= 3 > 2. donna sweep babygirl

"i have brain damage" tier would've been called "the qpr meth has gotten to me" but then i remembered how absolutely glued to the screen i was for sound of drums <3 all of the other episodes there are either donna episodes or episodes where ten goes through horrors specifically bc donna isn't there and sound of drums is the exception lmao

by default i think simm!master is the best main villain in ten's run. he is still very goofy like the cybermen and the daleks (and 98% of the villains in this show really) but simm!master has that toxic doomed yaoi backing him and that means everything in the world. rtd drop your simm!master spotify playlist

it is SO CRAZY how an episode called "planet of the ood" can make me cry. but it did. and i love it for it. i love the ood so much. they are my little guys

stolen earth/journey's end was my least favorite arc in main series 4 - which is just a testament to how much i loved the rest of it lmao. like i still rly liked the finale, and the scene of davros pointing out that ten turned their friends into soldiers and how it was framed almost like they were being put on trial. Was so fucking juicy. but it felt overall like the story was doing that "trying to include everyone" thing and the pacing felt off as a result. like i rly needed the donna mind wipe scene to be longer it was goin so fast i couldn't process it

42 goes so crazy and i love it so much bc to me it is the defining tenmartha episode. you have that showcase of deep inherent trust, of swearing to save each other, of being the person the other needs bc is there anyone else. but you also have ten screaming at her to kill him so that he won't hurt anyone and then at the end, deflecting and refusing to talk w her about it. "burn with me martha" is like that previously-unspoken-now-brought-to-front undercurrent to their whole relationship and ten says it while being possessed by a rageful vindictive sun. waow

i really dislike the temporary companions (astrid and christina in voyage of the damned and planet of the dead respectively). not the characters themselves but the timing and role they have in the story and how they're framed. i do understand that part of ten's character is that he gets attached very easily and can't stand being on his own, but also for astrid this was directly post-martha where ten's realized he's been fucking up her life by acting the way he did. and for christina this was post-donna and pre-time-lord-victorious. forming a friendship that ends w/ tragedy or ten pushing them away i can see, but romantic tension is pushing it HARD. which leads me to my next deranged point

ten is aroace to me i'm so sorry society he clocked the aroace meter the minute the story decided to introduce donna and then in series 4 make them the soulmates of all time while there isnt a HINT of romantic tension between them. and there is something so narratively aspec about ten being created by and for love but sometimes his love isn't enough/isn't the right kind and everyone will leave or find someone else. being an alien can be a metaphor for being aroace if i'm crazy enough about it (and also if their humanity is a constant theme to their arc that is hammered in time and time again)

i forgot i was supposed to talk about the episodes hold on a second

one of the most out of body experiences i had was watching love and monsters, really quite liking it (despite finding the ending weird) because it's a grounded and solid episode w strong characterization and really great jackie and rose moments, only to find out this episode is nearly universally despised by the dr who fanbase. help girl

the human ten arc probably has the most underrated villains in the show. i just really love that concept of monsters that need to eat timelords in order to survive, and ten giving them one chance to be spared of his rage and die peacefully by turning himself into a human for a hot minute. it's just really neat idk.

time lord victorious my babygirl. like oh my god i was wondering for the entire time how the fuck does ten go from "vain/overconfident but at heart always driven by his love for others" to "god complex" and the answer to this question is "you take away everyone he cares about and make him watch more and more people die in front of him until he just fucking snaps". at the end of waters of mars i was almost expecting him to knock 4 times on the tardis door himself and was so glad it didnt happen. etc etc. i'm also really glad that it doesn't last for more than 5 minutes. what he does essentially haunts him for the rest of his (short) life and that's so so important

end of time part 2 doesn't get a ranking. it is simultaneously the best episode and worst episode. it made me cry my eyes out three separate times. like it's not even an episode anymore it's like an experience. specifically one akin to watching a good friend you made over the course of 16 days die in front of you. i felt my soul being sucked out and i wont ever feel anything again (until the 60th anniversary specials fix me). god fucking bless

but pairing up martha and mickey out of nowhere was so so fucking bad and i need to actually murder whoever made that decision

[ilovedthestars]

i've gotten to a place where I am starting to feel like i'm interested in Being Out as Aro/Ace but i'm also realizing how much that's just...harder than Being Out as Gay was.

rambling under the cut, because it got long.

i'm sure part of this is still my internal hangups about not being sure, not being able to define my experiences as neatly as I'd like to, etc, but i feel like it also just...comes up less. like, i'm not gonna sit down everyone in my life and do an official Coming Out conversation. i didn't really do that the first time around, except kind of very awkwardly with my parents (blurted it out in the middle of a family activity and then hid in my room for the rest of the evening) (they were fine and i'd knew they'd be fine but it was still terrifying and also painfully awkward). i've always been the "i want to just bring this up casually and have it not be a big deal" kind of person when it comes to coming out.

and like, when i was IDing as...i keep wanting to say "queer" because that was mostly the label i used, but I was using it to mostly mean gay/lesbian, and it's not like i'm not queer anymore, so if i seem awkward about calling myself gay for clarity's sake that's why. when i was IDing as gay it was easy to just be like, haha, yeah, girls are so pretty, when it came up in discussion with fellow gay people. omg, she's gorgeous, i'm so gay, etc. those little social rituals sometimes felt shallow, but they were already in place, and there were ways for me to be like, hey, i see you, me too, and have that little queer joy bonding moment with someone else.

(sidebar: in retrospect, maybe the reason I never wanted coming out to be a Big Deal is that sexuality and romance have......never been a big deal to me. i didn't have the big dramatic crushes or a secret girlfriend or anything. i was just like, hey, girls are pretty, and assumed that would eventually translate into the desire for a relationship somewhere down the line. so far it hasn't, and i'm starting to think it might never. hence the internal crisis and the slowly accepting that i'm somewhere in the vicinity of aro/ace.)

but anyway, for coming out as aspec, those little rituals just...aren't there. the closest i've stumbled upon is listening to a friend talk about an actor's bone structure and going "i'm too ace for this," but that's a declaration I don't know if I feel comfortable making to anyone but a close friend right now. the fact that I'm not particulary GNC in my presentation and I don't think i read as "visibly queer" doesn't really help the feeling that, in conversations with a group of queer people, I'm not sure if I'm being seen as one of them.

like, it's not even the idea of coming out to people who don't know what aro/ace means that bothers me. (although thank god I never went thru all the drama of coming out to my extended family as gay, because walking that back would be awkward.) for most of those people I honestly don't care that much. i can just be like, nah, not really interested in relationships, and move on. it's the fact that I want to be part of queer spaces, and belong in them. and i feel like I don't fit into them the same as i did before.

it's a weird kind of invisibility.

this is mostly in my own head, I think. I haven't had any direct experience with aphobia, and it's not that i expect that kind of reaction. i just...want that laughter and little bonding moment with people. maybe that's it--not having met a fellow aspec IRL, that i'm aware of. i haven't had the "hey, I see you, me too."

I have been able to have that in online spaces. (a lot of you reading this have been a part of that. you know who you are, and i am so, so grateful for you.) but i'd like to be able to have it in the queer spaces i'm a part of in my offline life as well.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

looking for: advice, help figuring out how to reconcile my feelings

tws: queer infighting (sort of?) acephobia mentions, arophobia

So, i've been struggling with this for a while now. I'll start by saying I am extremely pro my ace family and ace rights, I understand the type of persecution they face and it's horrible. None of what I'm dealing with from the asexual community is convincing me that asexuality is bad or asexuals have bad intent inherently.

I am aromantic and bisexual (not asexual), and I've faced a lot of flack from alloromantic and allosexual people for being bisexual and aro. You know, the idea that I'm just using people for their bodies and stuff. So that's really tiresome and frustrating, even the little things like "oh you're aro, you're not physically attracted to people?". Ignorance stings even if it's not malicious.

So I obviously take great comfort in the aro community. And the aro community is very connected to the ace community. Which I have no problem with! I have had a lot of trouble finding aro people who aren't ace, which is isolating and difficult.

So here's the main problem. I've faced a lot of hate and microaggressions from aro ace people and alloromantic ace people. Ace people either refusing to count alloaro people as a demographic, or acting like anyone who's aro must be ace. The worst for me is when they talk about specifically ace things and add aro in like it's just a descriptor. I'm writing this and my heart is aching bc I'm being lumped in with a group of people who aren't me!!! They're a lovely group of people but it's the same feeling of being misgendered. I can't pick a fight with everyone who does this, and if I express my frustrating with how I've been treated it's very easy for people to just label me as acephobic (which would be a horrible thing to be!!! except I'm not, I'm very clearly stating that some ace people are being bigots towards alloaro people).

I don't know how to reconcile my love and support of the ace community with the intense amount of persecution I've faced by many people in that community.

I know in my head that I can be angry at arophobic aces, but if I try to talk about it, and even in my emotions, it's so hard.

Hi anon, 

I’m so sorry this has been impacting you in such a painful way - I deeply sympathize because though I’m aspec myself, I am not aro, so I found myself nodding along to several points you made along the way in your post when trying to navigate the community where I’ve also mainly stumbled on people who identify with both.

At the end of the day it is a spectrum - well all sexuality is - but there is a wide coverage here, and unfortunately with not enough resources, representation and education about the asexuality spectrum many of us get lumped together in not only ignorant ways, but painful and even abusive ones, too.  All that being said, at the end of the day, there is a huge difference between making bigoted commentary about a group of people, and responding to commentary about a group of people that includes you (and I’m very sorry to hear that some people mislabeled your advocacy of what is said to you and/or how you are spoken to/about as being automatically aphobic).

Of course we cannot argue with everyone we come across, but it’s equally valid to want to be surrounded by people who do not make negative commentary about your romantic orientation, even if it’s from a place of ignorance versus say active harassment - if it hurts, it hurts, and you deserve a community where you can just be without the commentary based on false assumptions and aphobia (which I can appreciate might feel hard, when over 80% of aroromantics in this study have “reported not being taken seriously, being ignored, or being dismissed by others.”)

In regards to how to respond where it doesn’t feel hard, it might simply come down to a practice of one step at a time (and potentially looking into boundary scripts and how to respond to aphobia & bigotry resources) - but I believe it’s equally important to find a community of people you can just be with.  No one has the right to decide who belongs in public, shared spaces, so I don’t mean to suggest shrinking yourself into a box - but finding other people you can share with and who “get it” can be incredibly validating too as you navigate bigger spaces along your journey.  The AUREA website has both online resources, as well as in person groups, and here’s a reddit forum that might at least be able to help you find some online communities across various social media platforms?

Regardless of what happens next, you deserve to be embraced for who you are, as you are, and I hope you find a community that roots for you.

Mod Kat