#everything is very confusing and I cannot properly test it

[autogeneity]

I understand why the data in our test environment is fucky as hell. but also. why is it so fucky!!!

[steddieas-shegoes]

step into the abyss

welcome to another round of "i use puns to rec my top 3 fics by my favorite authors"! these are the top 3 (to me) fics that @griefabyss69 has written, but always make sure to check masterlists/ao3 for everything because everyone likes different things. and also, as always, read the tags before indulging. no one but you is responsible for reading a tag you shouldn't have when it was tagged properly!

today is all about someone who takes realistic sex/kink and makes it fun, sexy, and sometimes awkward as hell and we love that!!! the writing is great, the smut is great, everything is great. PLUS! they're an artist too and sometimes that means we get extra gifts 👀

griefabyss69's tumblr | griefabyss69's ao3

Last Man Standing Rated E | 15,697 words The first part of what became a series focused on LARPing turned sexy. Eddie starts by teaching Steve D&D and then once he's on his knees it's game over. The entire series is amazing, but this one in particular just makes the brain buzz. One of many favorite parts: Steve gives him a gentle push, even with his firm grip, and Eddie goes, confused but letting him move him to stand somewhere else. He doesn't realize he'd been looking at the floor until the hand leaves and he feels a tug at the back of his hair, Steve leaning in to murmur in his ear. "Look up," he says, and Eddie does, met with their reflection in his mirror.

Decipher / The Paraphilia Series  Rated E | incomplete series The entire series is based on exploring specific kinks, sometimes rarely seen ones, and it's incredible. I haven't read the most recent update yet (the tab is open and I will read it ASAP!!!). Favorite thing: Part 2 (forniphilia) was unexpectedly one of the most subtly kinky things I've ever read and I cannot recommend it enough.

Between Light and Darkness Rated E | 5,236 words The fic that inspired so many microfics!!! Vampire Eddie!!!! Steve being a very willing participant in testing if cum eating worked the same as blood drinking. Favorite part, just because honestly the zero date thing made me laugh out loud the first time I read it: Steve kisses back like this is the end of a first date, it's not even a zero date, sweet and skillful and close mouthed. It feels really fucking good, so Eddie lets him have that for a while, lets himself recover enough from his crushing orgasm before he starts rolling his hips up against him.

[unhommesansnom]

On religious based compulsion in mentally ill children: an Essay

TW: OCD, religion trauma, self harm,

This is my first ever Tumblr post!! I am just speaking into the void to see if anyone hears it, and if no one does that's okay, I just want to put some thoughts out there :)

In the name of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray to the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take,

God bless my Daddy and God bless my Mom

Amen

The debate as to whether it is ethical to teach children to believe certain religious dogmas at an age when they are unable to comprehend the difference between fact and faith is a very personal one to me. I was baptized to rid me of my sin before I was even capable of rolling over, let alone capable of understanding what hell is or the fact that I would go there if I, an infant, were to die before such a ceremony. More progressive teachings in the Catholic church would argue that unbaptized children would not be damned to eternal hellfire if they are not baptized, however the belief must still be there if the sacrament continues without a beat. Later, I will elaborate further on my issues with the argument that those who do not know the love of Jesus Christ will not make it into the gates of heaven, but that is a whole tangent, and I will put a pin in it for now.

As a child, parents tell lies to explain large ideas that the young mind cannot comprehend without immense fear, including lies to explain things that adults are not capable of understanding themselves. I believe there is a certain extent that lies can be told ethically to a child, for instance, excluding certain gory details about stranger danger while still emphasizing the message to stay away from adults, protecting their innocence while you still can, not exposing them to things that would interfere with their sleep and sense of safety. However, I believe it is extremely unethical to introduce the concept of God, Hell, and other religious dogmas to children without emphasizing that these are faith based beliefs, not tested facts that could be false. As a child, everything your parents tell you is your entire world and your entire belief system, and if you are provided with a safe and secure childhood, there should be no reason to question what your parents are telling you about the facts of the universe. I believe that if you are going to teach your children about religion, it should be taught in the way fairy tales are, in that they are parables and lessons provided to guide your child through moral dilemmas, form their sense of self internally and through their connection to others, and to provide a community of people who gather to spread love and positivity. I do not think it should be used as a tool to instill rules the child must follow, should not teach the child that if they do not follow those rules there are dire consequences, and I think it is dangerous to teach a child about any form of afterlife, hell or heaven alike, because it introduces topics too broad and nebulous for a child to grasp, let alone to bring any comfort to that child. The only instance in childhood where afterlife provided comfort to me was at funerals, being told ‘They’re in a better place,’ ‘At least they [the family of dead relatives] are together now,’ ‘we’ll meet again.’ While these are temporary comforts for a grieving child, I believe they lead to more confusing, harmful coping mechanisms down the road. The child will not properly grieve, because they do not understand that the person is really gone, and if that child, say, has an undiagnosed (as most mental illnesses remain when taught within the Catholic School system) that leads to intrusive thoughts and constant shame, the child will think that their dead relatives are omniscient beings who not only see their sins as they commit them, but also hear every ‘sinful’ (intrusive really) thought the child has but cannot control. Heaven looming over the heads of youths as a place where relatives, saints, and God can tune into your thoughts like flipping through television programs is a horrifying thing for a child to understand. The other constant fear is much more obvious and widely discussed, and that is the concept of hell. Luckily, Catholicism has a get out jail free card that is Reconciliation, so if you confess to your sins you can still get into heaven, but what about the fears of the child who has not yet reached that step in their sacramental journey yet? What of the child who goes to confession once a year, and fears throughout the rest of it of dying a sudden death and suffering in hell forever? What of the child who has no sense of scaling when it comes to sin, who for some reason believes that having sexual thoughts will give them a one way ticket to the same eternal resting place of men like Hitler? In my case, sadly, I fear I would go to hell no matter how many times I prayed the Act of Contrition and feared that no amount of repentance would wipe away the ultimate sin I was committing by existing. Despite baptism, despite confession, despite my nightly compulsions to pray acts of repentance, I still believed that I deserved to go to hell and did not deserve saving. Who would have thought that a religion whose main message is that we are all born impure, sinful beings would lead children to experience constant shame and self-hatred.

Oh my God I am sorry I have sinned with all my heart.

In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good

I have sinned against You, who I should love above all things.

I firmly intend with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin

Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us,

In His name, have mercy.

Amen

I have alluded to mental illness I have experienced in childhood. I believe that as a child I had undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder worsened by religious teachings. The illness started as intrusive thoughts that would loop for hours on end, until it would become so bad I would throw up or have a panic attack. As mentioned above the self-hatred that is programmed into children by Catholicism, when you are suffering as a deeply religious child, you believe that a) you are a burden if you let this illness show and interfere with others lives, because you are taught that others come first, to put yourself aside, and b) this is your cross to bear, Jesus died for you, he was whipped, stabbed, crucified, how is it that the thoughts in your head are comparable to the suffering of He who did not complain?, and c) turn to the lord and you shall have no reason to fear, and if you do fear, then your faith must be weak and your belief is not sound. For these reasons, I kept my anxieties about death and the universe in my head, ultimately making them worse. I would not be able to think for hours at a tiem because of these thoughts constantly looping in my head, losing sleep and peace. When I had my first panic attack, I could not explain it to my parents. MY parents are extremely loving, yet I could not tell them I was terrified to die. All that triggered it was a horrible John Travolta movie in which he dies in the first ten minutes, laughable looking back at it, but this was turned on a night where my thoughts were already looping and unrelenting. I started panicking, unable to breath, my parents God bless them, had no experience with this and pulled the classic paper bag trick. As I said they are inexperienced with this, and they did not ask if anything was bothering me, did not consider this might be a mental crisis, instead thinking I was having an asthma attack. One expensive trip to the ER later and it was discovered that yes, I was just having a panic attack, and when asked what was going on, I said simply that I was really stressed out from school (fourth grade mind you). That night my mother taught me a prayer with good intention but would soon become a part of a ritual that would keep me up at night for hours.

Angel of God, my gaudian dead,

To whom God’s love comits me hear,

Ever this day be by my side,

To light, to guard, to rule, to guide.

Amen

In the name of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

The number one reason I can say with confidence that I was suffering from OCD was a child was my nightly ritual that I now realize was compulsions I could not control.  Each evening before falling asleep, I had to say goodnight to my mother and father and tell them I loved them, or I believed I would die in my sleep and never get the chance to tell them again. If I happened to go to bed without completing this first task, I would toss and turn, unable to sleep, riddled by fear of my death or theirs. At least two times I can remember sneaking into their bedroom at ungodly hours crying just to say, ‘I love you!’ and leave, finally able to sleep peacefully. The second part of this ritual was not so simple to correct. Each night I had to say my three prayers, in order, perfectly, or I would die and not make I into heaven. Sounds simple, you say the same prayers every night you would think it would be an easy task to complete, but I would start over if my mind got distracted by other things and I wasn’t ~present~ for my insane nightly task. I would forget how to say the prayer, I would forget what prays I had already said, I would say them in the wrong order or forget whether I had already prayed that night, starting over sometimes five times an evening. Bad days where I sinned more than usual or was having relationship issues with friends or family, these nights called for full blown on the knee’s hands clapped together prayer, in addition to a rosary prayed. Unfortunately, these were not my only form of repentance, and around 4th grade, although I did not have the language to understand it, was the time I started to self-harm. I used to compulsively pick every scab, ingrown hair, and pimple on my body, including trying to rip off any moles or freckles I might have had (successfully I may add). However, this took a new form. After getting into a fight with my best friend, which ended with me insulting him in a way I did not even believe, I vividly remember scratching my wrist raw in my mother bathroom because I thought it was the only way to say sorry to the Lord for what I had done. I was not worthy of His, nor my friend’s, forgiveness. This became a frequent coping mechanism of mine, and my mother would always ask me what happened, I would simply say I had eczema and itched it in my sleep. Having a past of allergies and skin picking, my mom would believe me and just tell me to use anti-itch cream and not to pick. Let’s just say that did not work.

 As my Catholic school education continued, the religious messaging was no longer vague, it was extremely rule based, and as sexualities develop and bodies change, the teachings take on a much darker, scarier message that you are sexually broken. I am queer and this was not the right environment for a queer child who loved God. I often find it difficult to relate to certain corners of discussions about queer religious trauma, because often this trauma comes in externally by the church environment they were raised in, and not from believing in God. While that was a large part, the hardest part for me as a child was truly believing God loved me, not unconditionally, but on the condition that I behave by a certain set of rules and behave perfectly. An unfortunate aspect of Catholic teachings is the concept that God hears every thought you have no matter how insignificant, at any moment of the day. Terrifying. I believed I was sinning if I had a single thought about sex, so I would purposefully try not to think about it, but in doing so was thinking about it, and it would cause a shame spiral of thinking about it, tryng not to and asking for God’s forgiveness, but then thinking about it again as the cycle repeats. I would pray at church to take away my thoughts, would dream of being a nun or anything to keep God’s love, praying to no longer have gay or even sexual thoughts. I felt broken and dirty, even though I was not aroused by these thoughts, later I discovered I am asexual, but I would think about sex out of curiosity or impulse, not even experiencing a physiological sensation from it, I still believed I was sinning by thinking about it. Obviously, this led to a delay in understanding my sexuality, because questioning it at all was a sin in my eyes and the eyes of every adult who was sending me the message that being gay did not align with the ways of the Church. I feared losing the love of God who I adored and losing my place within the congregation. I loved the rituals. I loved the sacraments. I loved the routines. I loved the mythology, the bible, the stories that contained the secrets of life. I loved it all so much and I feared that if I even thought about being with someone, I would lose my favorite part of living. So rather than exploring those parts of myself, I dived deeper into the Church, going to conferences, church twice a week, making my family go with me, constantly praying. MY family would make fun of me because come on who becomes MORE Catholic than their parents. Any time an intrusive thought would come in, there was an escape within religion, and this led to coping mechanisms that were not coping at all, but just compulsions and rituals.

I fear I have not said all I want to say on the topic. I fear I have started many thoughts that I did not fully elaborate on, but I am not going to reread this in fear of deleting the whole thing. I decided to start writing again for the first time in years and it feels good. I’ve decided to finally share my thoughts because I want to find someone to relate to. I am doing good now and I have found comfort in certain aspects of my old theology, however I have found that organized religion is not a safe space for me, and it is my belief it is not safe for children. I am sure I will continue to write about religion, as it was formative for how my brain processes just about everything, and it has given me unique perspectives.

[praise-milkman]

quick typing brain hurty

:( i have had a lot of moments in life where i my family speculated if i had depression or anxiety clinically, but other diagnoses seemed off the table. My dad has ADHD and I was super shy as kid but also smart, but no adult ever seemed to consider maybe I had what HE had OR maybe ..... on the spectrum. i know screening tests only go so far, I am so far from being able to go somwhere to diagnose or anything.... and every description of masking from sources and other people sound JUST like me, and now I am confused how one is supposed to know if they are on the spectrum or have a level of autism if they masked their whole life?? I noticed i was answering screening questions with what I would LIKE to do or be, so I switched to my mindset of when i was younger and felt my stress honestly instead of internalizing it and seeing how it was not sociable.... and that kid needed lots of help. I'm better now but only cause I have to be and i GET SO TIRED of being "an adult". I feel like the same person i was when i was 12 just employed and stuff. i never gave myself the space to consider i was more than just a little anxious (never got properly diagnosed in that area, just a lot of sessions with school counselors..) so now i'm trying to do that and find information so i can stop punishing myself for habits and behaviors that might ...like not be my fault....

in my life, i have had an INTENSE fear of conflict and being wrong. just scrolling around tumblr a couple posts in the autism tag make me feel like i shouldn't even be there. one post said "functioning" labels are frowned upon, but I also looked at a users blog who was non-verbal and called themselves low-functioning, and had some posts where they were very frustrated with "high-functioning" people and how they talk about autism. i mean already i learned that the thought "i feel non-verbal sometimes" may be more like...selective mutism or something else regarding communication, so i am happy i am looking into it bc that's how i feel. but i noticed my fear of being incorrect crop up and i don't like drawing attention to myself but i am 24 and tired of just acting like i'm normal and that it hasn't been a roller coaster hell trying to be socially acceptable. i've tried self-helping my way through life with moderate results, i at least know it;s not for lack of trying and now i see the pattern in my thinking, depression, obsession over topics, and so many things, but guilt and a constant sense of imposter syndrome about EVERYTHING holds me back from being honest about my feelings sometimes and how much it sucks because i had friends sadder than me and less stability and friends with worse disability so by all acounts i am doing super well but even those friends would not want me to discard my own suffering in a game of unbalanced comparison.

i'm not super sure why i'm posting this but i have never really once allowed myself the space to be weird and wrong and just roll with the fact that we are all weird and wrong about stuff sometimes. i vow to never hold hate in my heart so i wonder why i can't just trust that/. why am i so hateful towards myself then. I want to just say out loud, I AM CONFUSED all the time pretty much now, I feel LESS HEALTHY now then when i was 19 but I am honestly SMARTER and MORE CAPABLE so that's why it's such a CONTRADICTION. I feel like i am doing alright but somehow OVERTHINKING more than ever. some of my anxieties and social confusions are getting more glaring as i get older to the point where i'm like... i thought i had this under control? I fixed this thing that was "wrong"? And then I read online...there is such a thing as COVERING UP versus "FIXING" and that BLEW MY MIND and has stuck an itch in my brain I cannot get rid of , it explains how i wasted my WHOLE childhood caring too much about things i didn't even have to care about. I was worried about everyhting all the time and felt weird, and processed things weird, and i Was smart but too anxious so i didn't pass that one GT test, my self esteem lived on rock bottom as a school kid and i thought that was NORMAL and i was just SELF AWARE ABOUT MY FLAWS.

So there's that. i need to just stick it out right? It's hard to accept yourself, when your concept of self-acceptance or self-love is skewed in the first place? Like apparently I'm not the best measure... of if I'm being nice to myself... because I'm not sure what nice to myself really is. I miss being 4 years old i think haha

[1256986]

Why You Can't Skip Manual Testing in Your Development Process!

Among the most critical steps in software development, always working is the greatest requirement. However, how do developers test whether everything actually works properly then release an application or a website for users? Testing makes that possible. Testing aids in detecting bugs or errors before the software reaches the current public.

There are two forms of testing, and they include; manual testing and automated testing. Automated testing is the use of tools that run tests automatically; it is not a substitute for every type of testing though useful. In this form of testing, the actual checking of software occurs by real people, or testers, by hand in the same way a user would use it.

In this blog, we’ll explain how manual testing works and why it’s still a vital part of software development.

What is Manual Testing?

It has also been called manual testing-- the process of testing anything step-by-step, without any support of automation tools. The tester will keep clicking his way to the buttons, and forms to fill in, and checking if everything's working. The concept behind it is to try finding out bugs (problems) and reporting to the development team, so they could correct before its software release.

For example, if you’re testing a new mobile app, a manual tester would check if buttons work, if the app crashes, or if something doesn't load as it should. Testers also look for anything that doesn’t seem right or is hard to use.

Why is Manual Testing Important?

Human Perspective The most important benefit of manual testing is that it involves real people. Testers may think like users; they might try using the software in ways that a computer cannot. For example, they might not do everything just as they are being told. This means they could click on things at random, enter weird text, or skip steps. Manual testers can search for issues that may come up in the operation of the users, who might do things differently from normal. Automated tests, because they are scripted, miss them.

I believe this test would miss one thing for instance, if a user clicks the same button several times within a short period of time. Maybe application freezes or even crashes, but automatic test would not have been able to reproduce such because it does not check for such random behavior; manual tester may identify the problem.

Exploratory Testing Manual testers can go and explore the software without any kind of check list of tasks being followed. This technique is referred to as exploratory testing. Along with just proving whether certain things work, they can experiment by doing different things in order to find out what happens. In this way, they often discover bugs that were not anticipated or planned for.

For example, the tester may open the app, tap here and there and hit "back" while loading some page. In that way, they may establish errors that were not identified in simple testing.

Checking User-Friendliness (Usability Testing) Another very crucial aspect related to manual testing is that, whether or not the software is user-friendly. If the tester manually interacts with the app or website, he can point out if the design is confusing or hard to navigate. In this way, it could find whether the buttons are too small to click or if one cannot find how to sign up.

Automated tests can always test if a button works, but they cannot tell if a button's size or position is confusing to a real human. Here is where manual testing really catches fire. Testers can give valuable feedback on whether the software is easy to use and understandable.

Simulating Real-World Scenarios opposing, it is through manual testing that people are able to mimic a real user who intends to actually use the application. Hence, very straightforwardly, they can test and see how things will go on another device, browser, or even a slower connection.

For example, how the web page behaves on a mobile and on a tablet, and on the desktop computer. Alternatively, run the test using other browsers-chrome, Firefox, or Safari. They can even test the application with a slow internet connection, a battery nearly depleted, and all the usual real-world scenarios that could have thrown up issues well hidden from automated tests.

Providing Feedback The manual testers don't only find the bugs but go further and give useful feedback to the development teams. When they identify a problem, they report it, including how steps may eventually fix the issue. Testers can suggest improvements which could make the app design better, speed up, or eliminate fuzzy features.

The feedback loop is a way for developers to learn how users will use the software and how to fix their efforts.

How Manual Testing Fits into the Software Development Process

Manual testing usually happens in different stages of the software development process:

During Development: The testing team starts testing early, although all parts of the program are not at all developed. For example, they may test only to see if logging-in works or if it can create a new account.

Before Release: As the software approaches the end of the development stage, testing now manifests high-level and detailed checks. They look for bugs, errors, and usability malfunctions. It is during this stage that the tester could be involved with acceptance tests in the event that the computer program meets the requirements intended before the inception of the development of the computer program.

After Release: They're also going to be looking for bugs even after the software has been released to the public. Users may experience problems, and then the testers could have to test those problems themselves to help the developers fix them. Probably, they would also test updates and new features to make sure that nothing that works yet breaks.

Manual Testing vs. Automated Testing

While both types of testing are important, they serve different purposes:

Automated Testing: Automated testing well suits using for not often changing things like this login button: does it always work. In such tests, it is easy to repeat very speedily, with a lot of saving of time in large projects.

Manual Testing: It is better to have situations requiring human judgment undergoing manual tests. The tester can be creative, try various things, and observe small issues that the automated test may easily miss. In fact, regarding the user experience of checking if the application is easy to use or if the design is very clear, manual testing is favorable.

Most software projects use a combination of both types of testing. Automated testing can monitor so-called basic but repetitive tasks, whereas manual testing is mainly around more complex scenarios and stuff that really needs a human touch.

Conclusion

Manual testing during the whole software development will ensure the fact that the software will do what it is anticipated to do. Though possibly quicker, brilliant for checking repetitive tasks, but manual testing adds value to areas where human intuition, creativity, and judgment come into play; hence, a concealed bug, as manifested by manual testers, plus an opinion of whether the software is user-friendly or not and circumstances that resemble real conditions under which the software should be strong.

In this, the automated testing will cover all the basic functions, so the manual testing ensures that the product is polish and user-friendly, good for use in real applications. And if put together, then these approaches can yield high-quality and dependable applications, which meet the expectations of users as well as deliver an extraordinary experience. Visit Eloiacs to find more about Software Testing.

[noortjelanterfanter]

The universe is testing me. Can we stop with the damn tests please. Or at least wait until I'm properly invested with mr books before throwing a monogamy test my way.

Mr silly walks just sort of reached out. I haven't seen him in roughly 2 months. Last time was when I Just, like JUST started talking to mr books and that's the last time we spoke. I asked him to put in more effort, like, to actually make time for me this time. But apparently that took him 2 months. Which turns out is 2 days after I get into a relationship. I honestly expected a very similar situation to last year, where he would just kind of disappear. So testing me now is... rude.

And it's not that I'm not committed. But my attachment style has transformed into a very disorganised one. Which means that the second I initiated getting into a relationship there was a little voice in my head begging me to abort and run. I find everything about it fucking terrifying. And I know I've fallen for mr books. I have. I think. No I know, but I cannot for the life of ne access the feelings at will. And my messed up fucking brain is attracted to the toxic situations, so mr silly walks reaching out after treating me badly last year is like fucking drugs. Not good ones and I want none of it, but still. Deep down I do want it. I want it because I know I'm not allowed anymore I think. Part of me hopes that mr books will somehow be okay with it at some point, but it's not a must for me. I'm so confused and distressed. This shit is so fucking hard.

I really really hoped I would've been able to talk to my therapist last week. But she was ill. And now I have to wait for another month at least before I see her again. But I really need to talk about this situation with the attachment style and stuff, because I'm freaking out. I hate how fucking mentally ill I am. It was nice to get a little break from it, but it's rough out here.

[leoraannexx]

my other multiverse.

hi.

again, like i always say, it's been a while since i did blog again. this Christmas break i have been busy cleaning my room, organizing my collection of photocards, been frequently outside with my family and i haven't had much time to open my laptop and write something.

my mind is in chaos right now, i don't know how to feel, but it feels just like you know it will happen but the least you expected it to come true at least. my mind dove into the depths of the unknown and i feel like i've lost my identity in some way. i know it's my mistake because all along, i tried to build and know myself in the best way and i have labeled so much of myself while i was been undiagnosed for so long. most often i feel proud saying, i have adhd, i have depression all because i was confident and i feel like i have accepted the fact that i have it all. but not until then i went online to see my very first psychiatrist, Doc Liezl.

she asked the reason for consult, i said i have insomnia and severe anxiety, she asked about the family background and how i get along with them, i told her that i'm in good terms with them now but i cannot be more open to my mental health needs because they would only dismiss it. she didn't ask any more questions aside from what else can i ever acquire my anxiety from. but i blame it to the pandemic, i became so isolated and the feelings arise in an extreme level. i told her i have depression and that i have intention of harming myself, but not for long. 2023 is my healing period, i have overcome everything (i think so), that's why facing 2024 is a whole new journey for me because i want to be diagnosed early and to become even more prepared in the future.

in the course of my existence, i saw fluctuating anxiety and depression go hand in hand whenever i have life transitions. i get used to just have them, feeling it every single day, there are days i don't want to exist and it's fine, there are times i make excuses not to attend events because i'm anxious and it's okay too. not until then i had so many anxiety attacks over the years and now it was lessened but when it happens, it's so severe that i couldn't get up from bed and i almost don't sleep.

Doc Liezl has heard all of this. She is much aware from the start that i have core symptoms of anxiety -- intense fear, fatigue and lack of sleep. that brought to her attention of diagnosing me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), which is i'm not surprised having with. before i came to her, i was thinking a lot if i have ADHD, borderline personality and that GAD. but after being diagnosed, i just realized that there's much to it. i cannot just rely on the criteria and tell myself i have it. an experienced psychiatrist should diagnose me and do a lot of tests for me to get over with my symptoms. currently i was prescribed with an antidepressant and an antipsychotic. She said that i have a lot of thoughts in my head and that her goal is to keep me calm first and have better sleep before she conducts other assessments for me like ADHD and bipolar assessments and stuff.

i don't know if this feels normal for someone who has been diagnosed, i don't know if feeling confused is just normal or if feeling a little bit under the weather is okay. she told me that my depressive symptoms shifted into anxiety symptoms and that anxiety has become my core symptom that lead to GAD. i didn't think of it that way but i have understood it better because of her.

hoping for brighter days but im just glad that i have more time to spend for myself this week and of course another time to reflect on things properly before i go back to work soon.

happy 2024 everyone. the journey of striving to get to know yourself is really difficult but once you've stepped on top, it will be a straight and longer road ahead, and we're much ready to face it soon.

i just want to be happy, that's what i always say to myself.

[marwritesgood]

Peach | S. Basett

Pairing: Simon x WOC!Reader

Timeframe: Season One AU

Summary: Y/n tries to ignore her aunt’s words, while Simon prays he is not yet out of time.

PART ONE  //  PART TWO

masterlist

A/N: This fic is just over 8K words

I cannot thank you enough for receiving this mini-series with so much love and support! I am so grateful that so many of you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed creating it.

I hope you like this ending <3

Philippa was still standing on the steps outside her home when Simon arrived. 

He raced through gates atop his horse but, when he quickly realised Y/n was nowhere in sight, he came to a halt. A worker appeared beside him as he came down from the saddle, guiding the horse away so that Simon could approach Lady Bennet.

“Lady Bennet-”

“I take it you hesitated to come here?” Philippa questioned bitterly. She had made it quite clear to the Duke that time was of the essence. Yet, he stood, dishevelled and panting because he was late, despite his delayed best efforts.

“Lady Bennet, please help me,” Simon exhaled, taking his hat off swiftly and holding it to his chest. Philippa had begun walking towards her home before she turned around again.

“Grant me one reason as to why I should help you, your grace,” she sneered. “Did you not possess every available opportunity to make amends with my niece ever since her arrival in London?”

“I did,” he cried, desperate to obtain Philippa’s assistance. “I had every opportunity but, like the fool I am, I took each one for granted. I have been far too preoccupied with affairs I do not care for; I have stupidly disregarded that which matters most to me; my relationship with Y/n.”

He grew quiet for a moment, during which the only sound heard in the cortile was that of Simon’s panting, a consequence of his frantic outburst. Philippa’s cold and glaring expression remained unfazed. She could not yet decide whether she trusted him. 

Simon waited until he caught his breath to speak again.

For any other person in the world, he would uphold his reputation of being reserved and brooding. However, Y/n was not any other person in the world to him. She meant a great deal to Simon, and he was willing to disregard his typical persona, stoicism and all if it meant fixing things between them. 

Even if it meant a vocal revelation of how he truly felt.

“I... I love her,” Simon admitted, the crinkle between his brows a confirmation of his sincerity. Philippa’s scowl faded. “I know I am undeserving of your ladyship’s help... just as I am unworthy your niece, but I can no longer deny the true nature of my feelings for her. Nor can I begin to describe the regret I have for not being here sooner so that I could confess this to her.”

As silence filled the courtyard once more, Simon glanced at the floor beneath him, overcome with regret and sorrow. Had he reached the Bennet home quicker, it would have been easy. 

“Well then... you ought to begin thinking,” Philippa stated flatly, inciting confusion upon Simon. She smirked, amused by Simon’s response. He always was slow to catch on. “Your grace, if I am going to help you reach my niece, the very least you can do is think of what you will say to her.”

A wide grin slowly made itself apparent on Simon’s face. Suddenly the sorrow he felt previously was beginning to be replaced with a newfound hope- one he would, this time, indulge in and act hastily upon. He was not going to allow himself to repeat his same mistakes.

“Alright now,” she smiled. “I presume you have a plan in mind?”

Simon thought for a moment. While he feared he would miss Y/n’s departure, Simon, unfortunately, did not consider what he would do. He began panicking, straining his train of thought as he sought for even a scrap of an idea. 

Then Simon remembered how he found himself in this position. He recounted all the times in his past, where he hesitated. Where became so enveloped in all the matters that burdened his mind, he lost sight of what mattered most to him. 

He refused to fall subject to that mentality again.

Therefore, for the first time in his life, Simon turned to his instincts. Not his desire for perfection. Not his pride or his arrogance or his vengeance. What mattered most at that moment was how he could best apologise to Y/n and prove that he loved her dearly.

“Do you know the man whose proposal she is to accept?”

Philippa nodded. She narrowed her eyes at Simon, curious as to what he intended to do. Lady Bennet knew she would inevitably agree, no matter how strange the plan turned out to be, but she was still greatly curious and the slightest bit concerned.

“Can you delay him?” Simon asked. “By the time Y/n’s carriage reaches her home, it will be dusk; thus, I presume she will plan to meet with her suitor in the morning. I need you to delay that from happening.”

“And what will you do?” Philippa questioned. “Would it not be wiser for us both to leave immediately?”

Simon shook his head. He thought of the right way to phrase his answer. If Simon revealed his plan to Lady Bennet, he knew she would support him wholeheartedly. However, he thought it best to keep the better part of it concealed. It would have more effect that way, he believed.

“There are a few places I must visit beforehand,” he explained.

“You are asking me to delay Mr Graham so that you can visit a few places?!”

“I am asking your Ladyship to have trust in me,” Simon pleaded. “Hurting your niece is my biggest regret. I intend to atone for my mistakes, not repeat them.”

Philippa stared intently at the Duke. It was a massive ask of her; to leave her family momentarily and interfere with Mr Graham’s pursuits. However, every instinct she possessed led her to believe that Simon was sincere. The confidence he held gave her hope that his plan would work. She sighed.

“Then you must leave immediately,” Philippa ordered him. “Visit the places that say you must visit and then race hastily to my sister’s home. I will do my best to delay Mr Graham until then.”

“Thank you, my lady,” Simon cheered before doing just as he was told.

He raced towards his horse and climbed atop the saddle. Philippa dashed inside to organise yet another carriage headed to her hometown. Both equally determined to keep their beloved Y/n from accepting Mr Graham’s proposal.

***

The Y/l/n household was, needless to say, very much hectic. Y/n had arrived home the night before, hoping she would, at the very least, be able to have some sleep before the next morning. That proved to be impossible.

The words of her Aunt Philippa haunted Y/n during her journey home. Then, just as she feared, it continued to do so as Y/n tossed and turned in her bed. Once she finally began to settle, her mother barged in with sever different dresses for her to try on. 

“Sit up straight, dear.”

Y/n flinched at the sudden sound of her mother’s orders. She reluctantly obeyed and straightened her back. When Mrs Y/l/n turned back around, Y/n sighed exasperatedly, slumping her shoulders ever so slightly. Her hands curled into tight fists as she tried to keep herself from dozing off yet again. 

“I do not understand,” Mrs Y/l/n agonised as she paced the sitting room. This was an all too familiar situation for Y/n. “Mr Graham is known for being punctual, yet he is running terribly late.”

Y/n could care less that Mr Graham was late. Not while she was living off of less than an hour of slumber. 

“You don’t suppose I could have a scone while we wait, mama,” Y/n mumbled. She was not particularly hungry so much as she was desperate for some energy.

“Do not be silly, Y/n. You mustn’t risk staining your dress,” Mrs Y/l/n replied. Eager to make sure everything went perfectly, she sat beside her daughter and asked the same question she had asked every hour previously. “Now, have you prepared what you will say?”

“Yes, mama, for the fifth time, yes,” Y/n droned. Her exhaustion only intensified her irritability which her mother seemingly lived to test continually. “I don’t understand your concern with how I respond. It matters not how I respond but that I simply remember to say ‘yes’?”

On any other given day, Mrs Y/l/n would have scolded her daughter. However, for reasons unknown to Y/n, she simply sighed and took hold of her hand. 

“Words hold great power, dear,” Y/n’s mother explained simply. She glanced down at her daughter’s hand momentarily before meeting her gaze once more. “They are a valuable indicator of one’s character. How Mr Graham proposes to you will tell you of his attitude towards you and your future marriage. How you respond will do the same to him.”

Y/n nodded, knowing first-hand the amount of truth in her mother’s statement. 

She did not care for her response to him as she did not care for him or their future marriage. Y/n simply wished to move past what had happened with her and Simon. This was beginning to become clear to her.

“I will respond to him properly, mama,” Y/n assured.

Mrs Y/l/n smiled, lifting her hand to cup the side of her daughter’s face. It was slowly dawning on her that in only a matter of time, Y/n would be married. When Mrs Y/l/n sent Y/n her letter, she knew the issue of her daughter being unwed would resolve itself in one way or another. However, Mrs Y/l/n was taken by complete surprise when Y/n came home on her own accord. 

It was far too out of character for her.

She tried her best to look past it. Mrs Y/l/n rushed to get everything in order for Mr Graham’s arrival. However, it was becoming clear to her that she had been too preoccupied with doing so.

As Mrs Y/l/n struggled to find a way to question Y/n about her behaviour, Mr Graham’s carriage arrived outside her home. Y/n looked out her window and jumped to her feet. Before she could race to the door, her mother held her back.

“Before he comes in, dear,” Mrs Y/l/n began. “Are you... Are you sure you are ready for this? Is this truly what you want?”

Y/n scoffed. Her previous concerns about accepting Mr Graham’s proposal suddenly became easy to look past. Y/n’s resentment for her mother began to surface, adding much to her motivations to go through with marrying.

“Mama, please do not pretend to care about what it is I want.” 

Mrs Y/l/n had not expected her to react in such a manner. She was not prepared to have her mothering methods confronted. Y/n’s mother’s primary concern had always been ensuring her daughter marries. It gave Mrs Y/l/n significant discomfort to realise how this resulted in her overlooking what should have mattered more. 

Not to mention how she only came to realise this just as her daughter was about to agree to marry a man she expressed great disinterest in just weeks before.

Y/n rushed out of the room before her mother could say anything further. As she reached the hallway, Y/n watched the doors burst open. Much to her surprise, it was not Mr Graham alone who walked through. Instead, Mr Graham was with her Aunt Philippa, who relentlessly attempted to guide him in the opposite direction.

“Mr Graham, please, I must show you-”

“Lady Bennet, you have shown me enough gardens,” Mr Graham insisted, trying his best to contain his annoyance. “In fact, I am quite certain you have shown me almost every garden in town.”

“All except the best one, sir, which is located just outside the-”

“- Aunt Philippa, enough!” Y/n shouted. 

Mrs Y/l/n reached the hallway just as Y/n called her sister’s name. Mr Graham exhaled tiredly before holding his hands behind his back and regaining his composure. 

Philippa sighed. Her attempts at delaying Mr Graham by badgering him to stop at all 9 gardens on their way to her sister’s home all appeared to be in vain. Simon had yet to arrive, and it was clear they were out of time.

“Philippa?” Mrs Y/l/n said in shock. Her sister had always made an effort to give notice before visiting.

“Hello, sister,” Lady Bennet replied awkwardly, trying her best to force a smile. 

Y/n had been glaring at her aunt. 

She was furious that after she made clear her intention countless times to Philippa, her aunt still chose to meddle. Y/n felt more adamant than ever to go through, even if to simply spite her aunt. It was due time that they learned to refrain from making her decisions for her.

Even if it meant marrying a man she did not particularly care for.

She forced herself to appear alright, mainly in the hopes that it would influence her feelings. That it would obliviate her concerns. It was her last resort at being ok with what she was about to do. 

“Mr Graham,” Y/n called out. The man stood tall, prompting Philippa to grimace. “You may join me in the sitting room.”

She walked ahead of him, guiding Mr Graham to the room. Once he walked in, Y/n turned around and closed the door before returning her attention to him. She fiddled with her hands while he cleared his throat. 

Y/n was fixated by the words of both her mother and her aunt. She kept asking herself the same question Philippa had. Could she be happy? Could she possibly find any enjoyment in marrying a man like Mr Graham? In living an inevitable future with him?

Mr Graham was exhausted from the long journey he was forced to take with Lady Bennet. For the most part, his mind was blank, aside from his impending desire to return home.

“Is there anything you wish to say, Mr Graham?” Y/n asked. Mr Graham was taken aback. “Before I give you my response, that is.”

Y/n was resorting to humouring her mother’s advice. She wanted to see how Mr Graham was going to ask for her hand so that, this time, she could identify his intentions. Y/n wished to put aside the conclusions she reached about Mr Graham; he was arrogant and ignorant. 

She hoped he could prove that he had one if any, good qualities aside from possessing wealth. 

“Uhm-” Mr Graham coughed. “You will remember my father is the primary supplier of livestock commodities in our town.”

“Yes, I do remember-”

“By livestock, I am of course referring to domesticated animals raised in agricultural settings,” he continued, despite Y/n’s best efforts to get a word in. It seemed Mr Graham believed he had reason to take her for someone simple-minded; reasons Y/n did not care for but absolutely resented. “And by commodities, I mean the products-”

“-Yes, I am aware of what words mean, Mr Graham,” Y/n retorted.

“That you are,” he smiled, patronising her even more.

Outside the sitting room, Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n stood with their ears pressed against the door in the corridor. The more they heard Mr Graham speak, the more concerned they became for Y/n. Philippa’s stomach churned as she thought of her poor niece being wed to such a man. She could hardly believe she managed to last the journey there with him and not be at her wit’s end.

“I was recently made aware of the amount your father is offering for your hand,” Mr Graham stated, wincing as he did so. Y/n knew how small her dowry was, and she was annoyed that Mr Graham unnecessarily reminding her. “And you will be pleased to know that I am willing to look past it.”

“How charitable of you, sir,” Y/n muttered. Mr Graham did not catch on to her sarcasm. He was an easily distracted man, Y/n concluded. One need only groom his ego, even sarcastically, for him to be oblivious.

Y/n was reminded again of what her Aunt

“Yes, it is quite charitable of me,” Mr Graham remarked, smiling as he felt pleased with himself. “In fact, that is the very reason I first asked for your hand. Father believed it a grand idea that I marry a woman of your kind. Should attract a different demographic to choosing Graham as their supplier.”

“A woman... of my kind?” 

The Grahams were the primary supplier of livestock. However, the few other families in Y/n town, who were not white, found livestock commodities elsewhere. It was clear Y/n that they viewed her as a pawn in their pursuit of broadening their clientele.

Y/n could already foresee where the conversation was headed, and suddenly her aunt’s questions held all the more weight.

‘Do you truly believe you will be happy?’

It took her only a moment to think it over. There was no denying that Mr Graham possessed all the ignorance and arrogance Y/n suspected he did, so she considered if it was worth bearing. Would a mediocre future with him be worth having to endure his jabs at her identity, her class and her family?

Mr Graham and his father dealt with domesticated animals for a living. It was clear that they viewed Y/n just the same.

Thus, her mind was decided.

“I expected you to be grateful,” Mr Graham commented, confused as to why Y/n was not flattered that of all the two women who made eye contact with him at the town ball. It was she who received a proposal from him. “You do not exactly have an abundance of suitors lined up at your door. Not to mention, I was generous enough not to withdraw my proposal after you asked for... time to consider your answer.”

Out in the corridor, the two sisters exchanged glances. Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n both argued quietly over who was to barge in and reprimand Mr Graham.

“That is quite enough, Mr Graham,” Y/n hissed, beating both her mother and her aunt to it. Her mind was, after all, decided. 

Y/n had struggled for most of her life with control in that she had little of it. If it was not society dictating how she was to live and breathe, it was her mother. This time would be different, Y/n decided. 

This time, she would be taking control and making decisions based solely on her own input.

“Thank you for expressing your feelings, your family history and your intentions with such candour,” Y/n began sweetly. Just as she expected, Mr Graham took nothing but pride in what he believed was sincere gratitude. “And thank you for being so charitable as to offer a lowly woman such as myself a proposal of marriage.”

Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n listened in with concern. They both knew Y/n too well to believe that she send Mr Graham off with civility and decorum. Y/n was the least bit concerned for either.

“You have been so generous with your time,” Y/n continued. “Therefore, I will not keep you waiting any longer... Mr Graham, I will not be accepting your proposal.”

Y/n took great pleasure in rejecting his proposal. Mr Graham grew pale as he quickly realised what her answer was. He stood on the opposite side of the sitting room, yet Y/n was desperate to further away.

“You... You mustn’t be serious,” he exhaled dumbfounded. The man possessed a great ego when he first enters Y/n’s home. Thus she was determined to shrink, if not demolish it. 

“On the contrary, sir,” Y/n smiled, this time genuinely. “I am perfectly serious.”

“S-surely you have not considered the ramifications of denying my proposal,” Mr Graham reasoned. 

Y/n was far too accustomed to being lectured by white men on not considering her actions’ consequences. They, of all people, she believed, were the least bit qualified to talk another on such matters. Not when they are granted every luxury and advantage at birth.

“Miss Y/l/n, you must know, after two seasons of rejected proposals, it is doubtful you will receive another after me,” Mr Graham explained. He was merely adding insult to injury. “And with a dowry as small as yours, I predict your future will be bleak.”

“Perhaps you are right,” Y/n replied, her head held high as she knew Mr Graham was expecting her to be grovelling. “Perhaps I will not receive another proposal after you. Perhaps I will be doomed to live a life of struggle and severe austerity, but make no mistake Mr Graham. I would sooner commit to the life of an impoverished spinster than I would, ever again, entertain the prospect of being your wife.”

Y/n marched towards the door and swung it open, revealing Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n eavesdropping on their conversation. Y/n hoped that would be the case, as an audience’s presence prompted Mr Graham’s mortification to increase tenfold. 

“I must ask you to leave immediately.”

Mr Graham did not wait another moment. He just about sprinted out the door, determined to never step foot in the Y/l/n home again. Y/n stood in the hallway with a smirk and a proud glimmer in her eye. If she felt as a result of taking control, her only regret was not doing so sooner.

Perhaps Y/n would regret her decision later in her life. Maybe she only created more issues for herself than anything else. However, all that would be affairs she would attend to last, in the far off future. For now, she was happy. 

Y/n headed towards her bedroom without saying a word to her mother nor her aunt. She had not done so on purpose. She was simply desperate to change out of her corset and resume resting her fatigued body. Once Y/n was altered, she sat on the edge of her bed. As she let out an audible sigh, Y/n slumped her shoulders and fell back. 

She had never been so grateful for her mattress.

Y/n closed her eyes momentarily. She was very sleep-deprived, yet she was on an incredible high from the adrenaline of rejecting Mr Graham so explicitly. Before she opened her eyes, Y/n felt the mattress sink at her sides. As she opened her eyes, she realised both her mother and aunt were lying beside her.

“I must apologise to you both,” Y/n explained, reach her arms out to hold each of their hands. “I have caused you both a great deal of grief. And it all appears to be in vain now that I have rejected Mr Graham.”

Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n turned to face Y/n, both with the same expression. 

“You may be sorry for many things in life, dear,” Mrs Y/l/n began. “But you mustn’t dare apologise for denying Mr Graham’s hand... you mustn’t ever.”

Y/n smiled. She was unsure what motivated her motivated to have such a change in character. However, she was far too pleased with it to question it. 

“Any thought as to what you will do now, dearest?” Philippa asked. She looked over to her niece with her brows raised, and her sister followed suit. 

It was clear that neither of them could keep Y/n from doing what she wanted. Therefore, it was decided that both Philippa and Mrs Y/l/n would simply stand aside and hold her hand throughout it all. Y/n thought for a moment.

“Perhaps another season?” Y/n answered.

In an ideal world, Y/n would have opted for something different. Perhaps she would have embraced the idea of being a spinster. In perfect world, such a fate would not be so grim. However, that was not the world Y/n lived in.

And so she opted to embrace the best and only option she had.

“Truly, dear?” Mrs Y/l/n exclaimed. While she was overcome with excitement, she wanted to ensure it was her daughter’s genuine desire. 

“Yes, mama,” Y/n insisted, smiling weakly. She hoped in time the prospect would become more appealing to her. “-and it will be much different this time, hopefully for the better, as I am now willing to comply with you and your rules and your overprotective nature. I want it all.”

Mrs Y/l/n did not take offence. Instead, she simply laughed and leaned her head in to kiss Y/n’s temple. She had raised a mighty blunt and greatly opinionated daughter. 

Mrs Y/l/n was most proud of it.

“I must excuse myself,” Y/n’s mother said. She placed her arms behind her and lifted herself off Y/n’s mattress. “Your father will be delighted to hear the news, I am quite sure.”

Y/n laughed at her mother’s excitement. Once Mrs Y/l/n left to recount the morning to her husband, it was just Y/n and her aunt. 

“I hope you won’t mind me asking, dear,” Philippa whispered, inching closer to her niece. She feared the next subject of conversation would strike a chord with Y/n. “Has any of this changed your feelings... towards Simon?”

“No,” Y/n answered shortly, her voice neither louder nor quieter than previously. “He will soon be a married man, so it is most appropriate I refrain from paying him any mind so as to not remind myself of my feelings for him.”

Philippa huffed, torn as to whether or not she should tell her niece. Would doing so disrupt the duke’s plans? Would it not be better for Y/n to hear the truth from Simon himself when he eventually came? Would he ever arrive?

“I, however, must admit- whatever rage and anger I once held against him has since passed,” Y/n sighed. “You were right in what you said before... Although it will not be me who marries Simon, I do hope to marry someone like him.”

Someone like who he was before he became Duke Hastings, Y/n thought.

“You do?” Philippa smiled. She decided not to reveal anything to her niece quite yet. Lady Bennet was confident such a task should be carried out by Simon and him only.

“Hmm,” Y/n nodded. “Someone of good character and of a kind heart. A man who does not resent me when I raise arguments but rather engages in them.”

“It is the least of what you deserve in a husband, my dear,” Philippa replied.

The two of them shuffled to the top of Y/n’s bed, where her pillows laid. Both were exhausted from travelling in from London and enduring what had been a most eventful morning.

They both remained silent to get some sleep in before Mrs Y/l/n would eventually call them down for breakfast. However, just as Philippa began to drift off, his niece disrupted the quiet.

“Aunt Philippa,” she murmured. “I never did ask you what exactly compelled you to come... let alone badger Mr Graham as a means of delaying his arrival.”

Y/n was unsure what she was expected her aunt to reply. Philippa grew nervous as she tried to respond in a manner that would not reveal the real reason she came to her sister’s home.

“I-I,” Philippa stammered quietly. “-I simply could not sit idle... and let you accept Mr Graham’s proposal.”

Y/n hummed before turning to her side. It was a predictable answer, yet it left her with a bitter feeling of disappointment. She slept without  

Philippa sighed in relief before hoping that wherever Simon was, whatever it was he was doing that moment, that it would not hinder him any longer from finally reaching the Y/l/n home.

***

Y/n awoke from her nap to an empty bed and an open room. She was curious about where her aunt had gone, not to mention why her mother did not wake her for breakfast. The sky had darkened significantly since she first fell asleep, though Y/n was sure it was not yet evening.

She climbed out of bed and donned a simple dress. Y/n could hear the faint sound of her parents talking, so she suspected they were with Philippa. Afterwards, Y/n wandered down the steps of her home and headed to the dining room. The conversation grew quiet, prompting her to call out.

“Have you truly begun eating without me?” Y/n laughed as she pushed the doors open. 

As she stepped inside, a man stood from his seat- across the table from Philippa and Mr and Mrs Y/l/n. He turned to face Y/n with his hands held behind his back.

“Simon.”

Y/n was awestruck. All she could say was his name, and after muttering it quietly when he stood, she found herself left speechless. What could motivation could he possibly have to travel there from London. 

“His grace will be joining us for dinner,” Mrs Y/l/n explained, refuting Y/n’s last hopes that it was not yet evening. “It will not be ready for a small while, so perhaps you could walk him to the garden in the meantime.”

“‘Tis the best one in town,” Philippa commented, a reference to the wild goose chase she led Mr Graham on just earlier that day.

Y/n remained quiet, unsure as to what was happening. She expected her mother to be repulsed by the sight of Simon. Y/n had, after all, rejected countless marriage proposals for reasons involving him. However, she was not repulsed. 

She was smiling. Glowing, rather. Even Philippa and Y/n’s father seemed to be beaming despite sitting in silence. Y/n could not decide whether that should comfort her or worry her.

“He requests a private audience with you before dinner is served,” Mrs Y/l/n continued.

“H-He... does?” Y/n stuttered, looking at Simon in confusion. He appeared to be avoiding her gaze, which further provoked her curiosity.

“I do,” Simon replied shortly.

Y/n turned to her mother in confusion. Indeed, she would not send her unmarried daughter off, with an available man, on an unchaperoned walk without explanation nor context.

“I cannot possibly leave you to make dinner alone, mama,” Y/n stated. The thought of walking with Simon, especially after the nature of their last conversation, left her much unsettled.

“Nonsense, I will offer my assistance,” Philippa responded. Y/n narrowed her eyes at her aunt. She had always avoided being in the kitchen with her sister by all means necessary.

“It is decided then,” Mrs Y/l/n cheered, guiding Simon and Y/n towards the door that led to their garden.

“Mama, it looks as though it will begin to rain,” Y/n whispered, hoping to stop her mother but to no avail.

“You will not be far from the house, dear,” Mrs Y/l/n replied, opening the back door and guiding the two outside. “Should that be the case, you need only take a short walk back.”

Before Y/n could think of another way to avoid the walk, her mother rushed inside, slamming the door close behind her. There was no more avoiding, it seemed. Y/n sighed before reluctantly walking towards her mother’s botanical garden. 

He was initially quiet. Simon had rehearsed what he was to say several times before he arrived. However, it was not until he saw Y/n again that all his prepared words vanished from his memory.

Y/n was conflicted. She was overcome with a myriad of emotions, which always seemed to be the case for Simon. While she was still very hurt by his actions and was determined to voice her feelings, Y/n felt it necessary to first break the ice with civility.

“How long will you remain in town?” Y/n asked.

“I have not yet decided,” Simon answered, after a moment of deliberation. He believed it wise to tread lightly in their conversation, though he too was determined to let his feeling become known.

His answer left Y/n’s curiosity to grow. 

“Why not?” She queried. “I suspect Miss Bridgerton will be eagerly awaiting your return to London.”

Simon smirked. He missed her witty remarks terribly, just as he missed her company. Y/n had not intended for her response to land with such snideness. However, it was clear to her that Simon did not resent it.

“You suspect wrong,” he answered gleefully, catching Y/n off guard. Simon took amusement in her confusion but did not hesitate to clarify the situation. “She has already promised her hand to another... His royal highness Prince Friedrich. I was informed of the news this morning.”

“You do not seem upset,” Y/n commented as she studied Simon carefully. 

“That is precisely why I wished to speak with you,” he explained. 

Simon stopped walking, prompting Y/n to do the same. They stood by her mother’s hyacinths, specifically the purple ones. Simon took inhaled deeply as he prepared to explain himself and as he hoped, with all his might, that she might forgive him.

“I lied to you,” he began.

“Yes,” Y/n muttered quickly before Simon could continue. Had he genuinely come all this way just to recount their argument, she wondered. “I remember our conversation vividly.”

“No,” Simon cried. “What I meant to say was that I lied to you... when I told you that I was courting Miss Bridgerton and that I intended to marry her.”

Y/n remained silent, allowing Simon to continue.

“She approached me earlier this season,” he explained. “- with a proposition that I pretend to court her. She needed more suitors, and I sought to improve my public image.”

Y/n recalled the countless articles written about Simon, painting him as a stoic and brooding snob. It made sense that he wanted to change this portrayal, Y/n, though.

“I tried my best to put an end to our pretence earlier... on the day you approached me at Hyde Park, in fact,” Simon said. “However, Miss Bridgerton was adamant that it continues until she could attract the attention of Prince Friedrich. And I had already given her my word not to reveal our ruse to another soul.”

Y/n remained quiet as she took in his revelation. The more Simon spoke, the more Y/n understood why he acted so cold to her. He was always most irritable when he was hiding something.

“Peach,” Simon sighed. He reached out for Y/n’s hand, and, to his surprise, she did not pull away. “For all the pain and sorrow I caused you that night at the gala, I am so sorry.”

She squeezed his hand tightly as a way of comforting him. Y/n knew the way Simon could be so cruel to himself. Considering the impossible position he was placed in, she could only imagine the extent to which this had been burdening him. 

“While I wish I had been spared from getting hurt,” Y/n began. Simon winced but nodded. He, too, wished she had not been caught in the middle. “I do understand why you had to lie to me... and I think it unfitting if I were to continue to hold that against you.”

Simon exhaled in relief.

Y/n smiled, comforted by his reaction. She, too, was relieved. After the gala at the Danbury estate, Y/n deemed Simon a stranger, someone she could no longer recognise. Yet, as they stood opposite each other in her mother’s garden, Y/n felt she knew exactly who the man that stood before her was.

The two continued walking across her mother’s garden. After Simon thanked Y/n several times for being so understanding, she recounted her morning to him. Simon struggled to contain his laughter when Y/n explained the 9 gardens Philippa forced Mr Graham to stop.

“So what will you do now?” Simon asked curiously. 

“I will have to endure another season,” Y/n replied. “I have already promised mama I would comply with her this time around. Hopefully, my luck has not yet run out."

Simon nodded, though he resisted the urge to frown. She appeared to be excited. Hopeful, even. He worried this indicated a change in her affections for him. Nonetheless, he cast his worries aside for a moment. Y/n’s happiness was his primary concern.

Simon thought back to the story Y/n told of her rejecting Mr Graham’s proposal. In particular, he remembered the comment Y/n said he made regarding how dowry.

“If that is the case,” he began. “Then I insist on making a donation... to contribute to your dowry.”

Y/n’s feet came to a halt as she furrowed her brows in both shock and confusion. Instinctively, she began devising a way to reject his offer without offending him. Y/n was never oblivious to the significant difference in her financial standing to Simon’s, but she certainly never wanted to take advantage of it.

“It can remain anonymous,” Simon insisted. He knew his offer was far from appropriate as a woman’s dowry was her family’s responsibility. However, that was precisely what Y/n was to him: family. “If you are concerned about what others might say, I assure you I will personally see to it that the donation remains private.”

“Simon, no-”

“- Please, I insist,” he held firmly. Y/n continued to shake her head profusely, but Simon refused to give in. “It is the least I can do after playing such a significant role in hindering you from marrying these past two seasons.”

Y/n paused, taken aback by the fact he knew that. 

“Simon,” she began. Her tone was neither shocked nor angry. “You mustn’t hold yourself accountable for a decision I made. Yes, you may have been the reason for it, but it was I who ultimately made a choice... And I take full responsibility for the position I am now in as a result.”

Simon nodded sheepishly. 

“Regardless,” he said softly. “I still insist... You mean a great deal to me, Peach. Ensuring you have a befitting dowry is the least of what I owe to you, particularly after all our years of friendship.”

The grey clouds grew darker as the weather turned sour, and the day slowly came to an end. However, that quickly became the least of Y/n concerns. Her lips parted briefly, but she struggled to say anything. 

Simon let out a heavy exhale before reaching his hand into the pocket of his coat. He looked at Y/n and smiled. She still appeared adamant to deny his offer of making a donation to her father.

“Do you remember the story,” he began, “- of the first time we played in the maze at Lady Danbury’s home?”

Y/n chuckled, unsure whether he was serious or if the question were rhetorical. 

“Of course you do,” Simon continued, laughing all the while. “You recount it at every available opportunity.”

His laughter was disrupted by Y/n’s fist, gently colliding with his shoulder. 

“Please allow me to finish, Peach,” he cried as he rubbed his shoulder. Y/n rolled her eyes playfully but allowed him to continue nonetheless. “You recount it at every available opportunity, but you always failed to include the part of the story I favoured most.”

Y/n raised her eyebrows in surprise. 

“After I found you in the maze- crying hysterically, I must add,” Simon quipped. As Y/n raised her hand to repeat her previous action, Simon caught her fist in his hand. Their eyes locked as he did so, and the tension between them grew this. Y/n lowered her hand coughed awkwardly, prompting Simon to continue. “I took you to see Lady Danbury’s fruit orchids.”

Simon’s smile grew remarkably wide. He had purposely refrained from retelling his favourite part of the maze story to Y/n. He was most excited to finally do so.

“You ran straight for one tree in particular,” Simon said. Y/n’s brows snapped together as she tried to remember. “I picked some fruit, and we ate it beneath that tree. However, you were still quite upset, and that was when I assured you I never would have left you behind... Do you remember which tree we sat beneath?”

After giving it a moment of thought, Y/n gasped quietly when she finally remembered. She looked back to Simon and smiled. In a quiet whisper, she answered his question.

“Peach.”

Simon nodded. It was after that day that he refrained from calling Y/n by her name. After they left Danbury’s orchids when he chose to instead call her ‘Peach’ to remind himself of that day on of his promise not to leave her behind. Despite falling short on that promise, Simon was determined to fulfil it.

He took a step towards Y/n and slowly replaced his grin to express both sincerity and fear. Y/n studied him in anticipation of what he was to say next. Simon seemed greatly troubled by something, she thought.

“If you wish to find another suitor next season,” Simon started, unable to hide the sorrow he felt at imagining it. He inhaled sharply and, in doing so, forced himself to remain composed. “I will do everything in my power to help you in your pursuits. Whether that be in the form of financial support or advice. Whatever it is you may need from me, Peach... my answer will always be yes.”

Y/n’s eyes widened, and her mouth curled into a frown. She could see right through Simon’s attempts to his sadness. 

“But if there is any chance,” he question, his tone frantic and desperate. He inched forward slightly and deepened his gaze at Y/n before he continued. “If there is even a fleeting chance that your feelings towards me are... are as they were before, then please tell me now.”

Just as he finished speaking, droplets of rain began to fall. They grew bigger and more rapid as time went on, but neither Simon nor Y/n noticed. Both were far too concerned with the affairs of their affections for one another. 

Y/n held her breath as she looked at Simon. Earlier that day, she decided to enter her third season. She had finally come to terms with knowing that casting aside her feeling for Simon would be her best method of moving forward. Yet as they stood in her mother’s garden, she found herself with no choice but to confront them.

“They are,” she confessed, her voice almost overpowered by the sound of the rainfall, though just loud enough for Simon to hear. “My feelings for you, they... they have not changed.

Her words were music to his ears. Simon reached his arm out and took hold of her hand. He felt his heartbeat rapidly against his chest. Despite the cold and wet weather, Simon felt a warm sensation in his chest.

“I must assure you,” he spoke, glancing down at the sight of her hand in his. “This is not a result of impulse or of the heat of the moment. Rather, this is something I have anticipated doing, I... I have desperately hoped to be able to do for quite some time.”

“Simon,” Y/n quavered. “W-What are you referring to?”

Simon looked up at the sky. He laughed as the heavy rain showered over his face, and then he turned back to Y/n. She did not move from where she stood but, instead, studied Simon closely. Her mouth fell agape when, without a moment’s notice, Simon knelt down.

Y/n gasped. There was a loud slushing sound made as Simon’s knee sunk into the mud. He was unfazed by it, which made Y/n shock only grow. He couldn’t be, she thought. It was not possible. And indeed, if he intended to do as she suspected, he would live to regret it. 

In a swift motion, she too fell her knee. Standing up while Simon knelt before she felt all too overwhelming. Y/n was confident he was not serious, despite him expressing profusely that he was. Simon’s eyes grew wide as he looked down and noticed the mud-splattered across the hem of Y/n’s gown.

“Peach, your dress-”

“Never mind my dress,” Y/n croaked. “Simon, what are you doing?”

“What I should have done two years ago,” he replied instantly. 

Y/n clasped her hand over her mouth. Her hair and her clothes were drenched from the rainfall, as was Simon’s, yet neither seemed to notice. He reached out and took hold of her free hand.

“I know I am the least bit deserving of your hand, as well as of course your forgiveness and your friendship,” Simon began. “However, these past years away from you, and these past two days in particular... They have been pure torment. And I have since realised that I would be a fool not to make an offer of marriage to you and hope that you would be so kind as to accept it, because... Well, because I love you, Peach. Fervently so.”

“What... What about your vow to never marry?” Y/n asked.

Indeed he had not thought this entirely through, she wondered. This was the moment, she believed. The moment he would take back his proposal.

“You said before that I have the luxury to choose while you do not,” Simon answered. Slowly, he let go of Y/n hand and lifted it to her face, holding the side of her cheek tenderly. “Well... I believe it’s due time that my choices begin constituting to my happiness... and that of the only woman I love.” 

Tears welled up in Y/n’s eyes and began to trickle down her face as she wept. She felt it surreal, the fact that Simon was offering his hand to her. And as it appeared, she had run out of reasons to argue against it.

“I know I have caused you much suffering,” Simon sighed, rubbing his thumb gently across Y/n’s cheek, wiping her tears away while doing so. “But I am determined to spend the rest of my life atoning for it by doing everything in my power to ensure your happiness... That is if you will have me?”

Y/n thought of her mother’s advice earlier regarding how one’s words indicate one character and their intentions. She thought of how all her past suitors made proposals from a place of arrogance, how they all made the argument that their financial standing was reason enough for her accept.

That was not what mattered most to Y/n.

Love and happiness; that was what she sought most from marriage. After years of being told that to do so was naïve and pointless, Simon was offering precisely that. 

“Yes,” Y/n answered, laughing beneath her breath as she exhaled. She stood up and planted her feet firmly in the mud before reaching her hand down to help Simon do the same.

“Yes?” Simon repeated in disbelief. 

Y/n chuckled and helped him to stand, after which she reached her hands out and placed them on the sides of his face. Even in the pouring raid and even covered in mud from the waist down, he was still so beautiful, she thought. Simon precisely the same of her

“Yes! I... I will marry you,” Y/n declared, her smile growing wider as she spoke. She could not make that statement repeatedly when she would eventually share the news.

Simon wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. He leaned closer to her slowly and kissed her sweetly. Y/n held the sides of his face firmly, pulling him even closer to her, causing him to smile against her lips. Shortly after, Simon slowly pulled away, leaving Y/n gasping for air.

“I am sorry it took me so long to do this, Peach,” he said softly, gazing apologetically at the woman he could finally address as his fiancee.

“It does not matter anymore, Simon,” Y/n replied, pressing her temple against his. 

He grinned before leaning in to kiss her once more. Y/n lowered her hands and left them placed against his coat’s lapels. She wished for the moment to last a lifetime. However, as the rain grew heavier and the sky grew darker, Simon pulled away again.

“Perhaps we should return,” Simon suggested, despite much enjoying being alone with Y/n. She immediately groaned at the thought of going back. “I imagine your mother will be quite cross if we miss dinner.”

“Simon... I have waited a very long time for this moment,” Y/n began. “I will not be rushed by you or my mama.”

Simon laughed before kissing her once again. 

When they finally walked back to the house, Simon continued to glance over at Y/n and at the sight of their hands intertwined. He thought of all the different ways things could have ended between them. 

What would have happened if she had accepted Mr Graham’s proposal or even that of her previous suitors? What would have happened if he did, in fact, marry Miss Bridgerton? What would have happened if he had just proposed to her when she first confessed her feelings to him? 

Simon wondered how many times things could have drastically been made different between them. He thought of how many choices, events and actions dictated whether they would ever be engaged.

And all he could do was smile at his beautiful fiancee and be completely and utterly grateful that this was how their story concluded.

@fuckoffthanos @awesomebooklover17 @shadowfoxey @eternallyvenus​ @smol-grandpa​ @deakesthegreatest 

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Four. "You hosted me?? In MINECRAFT??"

warnings: swearing but that’s it (i think)! just karl being a goof and dream being a little shit but whats new word count: 3k (not ncluding pictures)

behind the screen (irl dream x reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

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Y/n  sat to Karl's left, out of the camera's view as he scrolled through Twitter on his PC.

"Um... oh, how did you guys meet?" Karl read before looking offscreen at Y/n. "Uh... school?"

"What? I was going to make up a funny story but I'm appalled by the seriousness in your voice! Is that really how you think we met?"

The embarrassment on his face answered her question. "Karl! I'm two years younger than you, how would we meet have met at school?"

"I don't know!" he said back defensively, raising his shoulders. "Clubs?"

"Like I was in any of the nerd clubs you were in."

"Well, then, how did we meet?"

Y/n sighed with a laugh. "Our moms–"

"Oh, wait wait, I remember!" he cut her off, excitedly looking towards Y/n. "Our moms are friends and they forced us to hang out." He smiled proudly and looked back to his screen as he continued scrolling for good questions. "If I'm honest, I only still hang out with you because my mom makes me."

Y/n smacked Karl's arm and he laughed but pretended to be hurt. "WHAT THE HONK, BUGSY?!"

"I can't stand you. I barely hit you, nimrod."

Karl giggled and read another one. "How tall is Bugsy? Two feet, four inches."

"No, I'm 7'6," Y/n lied easily and Karl laughed.

"How tall are you actually?"

'I think 5'10 or something? Maybe 5'11. I'm not 6' but I'm taller than you for sure, I know that much–"

"Okay, you are not taller than me. Just to be clear. Chat, Bugsy is not taller than me."

"Yes, I am. Wanna test it?"

"No," he replied quietly in defeat.

"Because you know I'm right," Y/n laughed as her eyes flicked over to read chat. They were spamming their surprise, expecting her to be short. "Yeah, no, chat, I'm tall. I'm taller than Karl."

"Only because your shoes make you tall! Doc Martens are tall and that's pretty much all you wear!"

"You're shorter than me when I'm barefoot!"

"That's literally false. Like completely."

"Just accept it, shorty."

"I'll accept that you're taller than George and Sapnap, but not me. I'm barely taller than you but I'm still taller."

"Whateverrrr. I'll move on to protect your dignity."

Karl ignored her and laughed, pointing to a message from Dream in Karl's chat.

"Dream said I have short girl energy," Y/n read.

"You kinda do."

"What does that even mean?"

"You're shy around new people and you act all sweet."

"So tall girls can't be shy and sweet? Or shy and sweet girls can't be tall?"

"Stop twisting my words," Karl groaned.

"Also, wait, what do you mean I act sweet? Am I not?"

"No, you are. But I mean you also aren't when you don't want to be. Upset Bugsy is scary Bugsy."

Y/n frowned, not recalling a time she's ever been angry or upset at Karl but she let him move on. He pointed to another tweet as he looked at Y/n, giving her an 'I told you so' look. She read it before shaking her head at him.

"Don't read that one."

"Pleeease, can I answer?"

"No!" she whisper-shouted. I don't want to be shipped with him for asking or you for answering, she mouthed so Karl's chat couldn't put together clues.

"Are you assuming I'll answer positively?" he teased, earning him a hard smack on the arm.

Y/n couldn't help but notice every time she put her hands in the frame, which was usually to hit Karl, half of the chat turned into simps requesting a hand pic because they could see her bracelets and nail polish and now that they knew she was tall they wanted to see how big her hands were. They really wanted every crumb of content they could have regarding her looks. She caught one that said something pretty kinky about her hands which she tried to scrub from her mind immediately.

"Fine," Karl sighed at her request to not read Dream's tweet out loud, instead reading another. "Bestie sleepover? Yes! Bestie sleepover! Bugsy and I are gonna cuddle all night--"

"No, we aren't. I'm sleeping on a completely different bed. Or couch. Nowhere near you."

"WHY DO YOU HATE ME?"

"Karl! Stop trying to get me to cuddle with you!" Y/n laughed as she pushed away his arms, which were trying to give her a hug. "You're a freaking heater and I don't like touching people!"

"That's my worst nightmare in a friend, how did I end up with you?"

"No idea. Deal with it. It's still a bestie sleepover even if we don't cuddle."

Karl giggled and looked back at his stream. "Oh, by the way, in case anyone ever wanted to know or was Dreaming about it, Bugsy is very cute. Just thought I'd mention it in case anyone was wondering or if anyone tweeted specifically asking..."

Y/n smacked his arm again as she yelled, "Karl!"

He grabbed his arm in dramatic pain as if it had been cut off. "Ow! Ow! Bugsy hit me!" he cried as he fell to the floor. "Oh my gosh. Someone call a doctor!"

"I cannot stand you," Y/n  informed as she stared down at him. She glanced at chat, who were all joking about how bad his condition was, saying things like they might have to amputate his arm. "Chat, don't encourage him. Oh, Karl I know what we can do!"

"As long as I don't need two arms for it..." his voice still laced with fake pain.

"Karl Jacobs."

"What is it?"

"Give me a tour of Dream's SMP. Dream whitelisted me yesterday."

"Oh, yeah! What could have possibly made you think of him?" he teased as he got back in his chair.

Y/n glared at him and he cowered slightly.

"Minecraft, yes. There's a PC in the other room you can play on. Do you need help setting it up?"

"No, I've streamed once or twice," Y/n teased as she stood up.

"I'm just trying to be a good host! Gosh!"

"Wait, I have to cross over to leave the room."

"Just do it? What's the issue? Literally no problem, just walk?" he joked before zooming in his camera on his face so it took up the whole screen. Y/n laughed as she went across the room, chat now forced to look at disturbingly close footage of Karl staring directly into the camera with his eyes crossed.

Y/n called Karl on Discord after logging in. "Hi, Karl and Karl's stream."

"Are you on yet?"

"I'm logging in to my Minecraft account right now."

"Okay, join a vc on the smp discord so others can talk to us if we run into anyone. I'll be over in a minute, just give me a bit to read some donations." They both muted, leaving Y/n to herself.

She typed in the IP address to the server and joined a random voice channel that no one was in. She spawned and looked around, confused by the cobblestone wall around her. Her phone lit up so she occupied herself with the texts from Naomi.

A green figure caught her eye on the screen and she looked up. In the distance was Dream's infamous green Minecraft skin punching the air as he faced her. He ran towards her and stopped in front of her. She set her phone down and slid it away, crouching as his character did the same.

Dream whispers to you: are you streaming you whisper to Dream: no but Karl is and he's about to get on to tour me Dream whispers to you: hmmm okay here

He uncrouched and dropped a few diamond blocks before punching the air again and running away.

Dream whispers to you: shh don’t tell anyone you whisper to Dream: omg :D ty <3 you whisper to Dream: first twitch donos now mc donos you whisper to Dream: rich man over here giving out money and diamonds to everyone like it's candy Dream whispers to you: no, only to you Dream whispers to you: a little gift before our date ;) Dream whispers to you: oh and this

He came back and paused in front of Y/n before dropping a red poppy and sprinting away again. She acted cool despite the huge smile on her face.

you whisper to Dream: charming you whisper to Dream: you give me a flower and dart away before I can properly thank you Dream whispers to you: oh yeah? how would you have thanked me?

Y/n smiled, her cheeks flaming up as a dirty thought entered her mind. Stop, he's not flirting, she told herself. It’s literally a block game and he’s not flirting.

you whisper to Dream: guess we'll never know ;) KarlJacobs joined the game

"I'm back," Karl's voice filled her headset as he joined her voice channel, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Where are you?"

Y/n looked away from the chat in Minecraft and turned around in the game. "Still at spawn. Some forest and cobblestone walls."

"Go left and I'll meet you halfway."

As she ran, the Minecraft chat reappeared with new messages for everyone to see.

<Dream> hey Karl <KarlJacobs> hello Dream <Dream> thanks for answering my question on your stream <KarlJacobs> just doing my civil duty as a bugsy dream shipper <KarlJacobs> official petition for the name to be dreamsy <Dream> signed

"Oh my gosh," Y/n muttered, making Karl laugh.

"What?" Karl asked innocently, but his laugh was maniacal. "Oh, I found you. This way! I built everything on the server, by the way. So if anything is impressive, just remember that I did it."

"Karl, that's the biggest lie you've ever told me. I watch the lore videos."

"Well, I did build it all so I don't know what to tell you. Let's go this way first."

Y/n followed as he showed her stuff, including background and unknown facts about things that have happened off stream. After the tour, they messed around the chessboard. At some point, she found a blue cornflower and turned to Karl.

"Do you have an anvil?"

"I don't exactly have one on me at the moment but I think there's one over here. What for?"

She killed some chickens with her fist to gain XP so she could carry out the task in mind. "I need to name this flower I found." She followed him a few blocks away and clicked the anvil and named the flower 'love, bug'. "Okay, thanks."

"Why did you name it?"

"It's a gift for someone."

"Me?" he asked as his character jumped up and down.

"No. My presence is your gift."

"Ouch. You know, honestly, I'm really hurt by that. Like, why would you say that to me? It's just sorta rude."

"Fine, I'll go get you a flower."

"Well, I don't want it if it isn't sincere. Who's that one for?"

"...no one."

"Tell me or I'll keep complaining about not getting a gift."

"I can deal with that."

"Okay, then tell me or I'll make you sleep in my bed and I'll smother you to death with my affection."

"Ah, okay, fine. It's for Dream."

"Wow you really hate me that much!" Karl laughed.

"No, I'm just not touchy like you!" she defended. She always worried she offended Karl since he was so physically affectionate towards his friends but she just wasn't a physical person.

"Oh, speaking of Dream..." he turned and Y/n followed his characters line of sight, having to zoom in to see the green figure perched at the top of a tree.

"He's very menacing."

"He does that."

<Bugsy> come here pls dream <Bugsy> i have a gift :]

Dream ran towards Y/n and stopped in front of her expectedly. She looked at Karl then back at Dream and dropped the gift, backing up after and crouching.

His character picked it up and held it, pausing to read the name. After a moment, he slowly looked up at Y/n's character before jumping and spinning in circles. Y/n hid her smile in her sleeve even though no one could see her.

<Dream> wait lemme see the one I gave you <Bugsy> what D: <Dream> I wanna name it

"What is going on?" Karl giggled.

"Gift exchange. Mind your own business."

"Woah!" Karl gasped dramatically. "Uncalled for."

Dream came back and dropped the renamed flower for her. Y/n picked it up and hovered over it to read the name.

'host, dream'

She gasped and started punching his character. He backed up and ran away but joined the call seconds later.

"Wait! Stop hitting me!" Dream yelled into her headset.

Y/n laughed, trying to contain her smile as she continued to hit the green character. "Dream! Are you kidding? I tried being all cute and you hosted me?? In MINECRAFT??"

"It was a joke! You said something like that to Wilbur on Twitter a while ago, I was just using your humor!" Dream's giggles filled Y/n's headphones and she smiled but quickly dropped it so her voice could sound serious.

"Give it back."

Dream looked at her before letting out a small, "What?"

"Give me back the flower so I can go burn it with the other one."

"Bugsy!"

"What is going on?" Karl asked through a cackle. "Dream, did you hurt Bugsy??"

"Yes, Karl! He hurt my feelings! He gave me a flower and gave it back to name it something mean!"

Dream just laughed so Y/n punched him again.

"Dream! You can't hurt Bugsy!" Karl defended, also punching Dream.

All Y/n could hear was the sound of Dream wheezing, his character running as the two chased him. "Stop! You guys are so– STOP HITTING ME!"

"Fine," Y/n finally said, crouching and facing the ground as she walked into a corner to look like she was pouting. "I'm just not going to go on any Minecraft dates anymore."

"Wait, no," Dream protested in a soft voice, his character stopping to look at her's. "Take that back."

"Heart been broke so many times..."

"You're so stupid."

Karl gasped happily. "You guys have a Minecraft date? Can I help plan it?!"

"We did. In exchange for letting you give me the tour. But I've changed my mind since I've been so betrayed."

"Oh my gosh, you're so..." Dream trailed off but his wide smile could be heard through his voice.

"So what? Finish that sentence, Dream," Y/n dared teasingly.

"So... ANNOYING!"

"DREAM! SAY YOU'RE SORRY!" Karl yelled.

"Okay! I'm sorry! Bug, I'm so sorry. Really. Please let me... let me rename your flower something cute. It'll make you so happy that you'll fall in love with me all over again and–and we can go on our date. Please don't burn our flowers."

"And what if I don't give them to you?"

"I'll just kill you and pick them off your corpse."

"Woooooowwww. Okay, it's like that?"

"Yes, it is like that," he said through a smile. It was so apparent in his voice that he was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.

<Ranboo> how is the tour going Bugsy was shot by Dream using DEFINITELY NOT PENIS <Ranboo> ah going well I see

Bugsy screamed in her mic as the death screen appeared. "DREAM!"

"You took too long!" He wheezed as Bugsy respawned.

"I don't know where I am!"

"Hold on, I'll avenge you!" Karl declared before he died too.

"You thought you could kill me with your fists? Karl, you're naked and I'm wearing full Netherite."

"You weren't when I started punching you! You pulled that out of thin air!"

<Ranboo> canon

Y/n smiled at Ranboo's comment. She had never talked to him but she knew he and Tubbo were close friends and he seemed really funny. He had already proved he had a dry sense of humor in the 30 minutes she was on the SMP and she loved that. Y/n made a mental note to befriend him before returning to being drama queen to Dream.

"So, Dream, now that you've made me an enemy–"

"WhAT? We are not enemies, Bug. I'm actually naming a flower something really cute as we speak. Enemies don't do that."

"Maybe I'm not your enemy but you sure are mine."

"Oh come on now," he mumbled lowly, running chills down her spine. What the hell was that?? "What do I have to do to make it up to you?"

"You-you murdered me in cold blood. Nothing will make it up."

"So I could get the flower! It was out of love! So I could give you a better present! Does that count for nothing?"

"Hm," she hummed. "We'll see what new name you come up with and then I'll decide."

Karl and Y/n got back to the chessboard and waited for Dream to return with his new flower.

Breaking character and turning towards her best friend, Y/n laughed at Karl. "Sorry for distracting from our BFF shenanigans time."

"This is way more entertaining," Karl assured. "Me and my chat got front row seats to the Dreamsy love saga."

"Shut up," she mumbled as she punched him in-game.

"OW! STOP PUNCHING ME SO MUCH!"

"Okay, okay, I'm back!!" Dream announced and they saw his figure sprinting and jumping towards them. He dropped the flower for Y/n and stepped back, crouching and standing repeatedly.

Y/n picked up the flower and hovered over it to read the name.

"Is it worthy of your forgiveness, Bugsy? Does it pass the vibe check?" Karl asked with a giggle.

Y/n bit her lip as she smiled at her screen.

to the prettiest girl in the world. love, dream <3

It was a joke, obviously. He was just continuing the joke of flirting with her like he does on Twitter just like Sapnap and Karl and George and Quackity do. They all joke about flirting with her and this was another joke.

But it still gave her tummy butterflies.

"Bug?" Dream called softly.

But why would he joke like that when neither of them were streaming? Karl's chat wouldn't see it so there was no one to point in feeding into the joke, unless he meant for Y/n to show Karl? She was overthinking. She needed to play it cool. 

She also needed an enderchest so no one could find it and no one could take it away from her and destroy it but they didn’t need to know she liked it that much.

"Mmm.... it'll do."

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A/N: yeeee hope you guys liked this one! i think this is my favorite so far i just think dream was being too cute and i wanna be best friends with karl so much it hurts. we’re gonna get deeper into the dream relationship soon!! i just needed to indugle in bff karl content real quick!!!

taglist: open (at the time) @hydrate-tion @loraleiix @tinaswagbd @charsdummb @smileyyuta @1ghoste1 @cerberus-hellhound @gaysludge @queestionmark @carnations-red @letsloveimagines @the-fictionwriters-hairdo @boiled-onionrings @a-cryptic @fee-btheweeb​ @letsloveimagines @erwinss @just-a-stan @axths @kayleigh2703 @furiouspockettoad @sometimeseverythingsucks @powerpuffyn​ @itshaileyn @millavalntyne @automaticcomputerpaper @nikkineeky @fivedicksinatrenchcoat @sprucekot​ @bellomi-clarke @possiblyanxioushuman

[twiddle-dee-twiddle-dumb]

A/N: Ohohohoho word vomit, Toshi was really nagging in the back of my brain. So here it is... along with Mr. Hey Hey Hey Kotaro. I don't really know whether I've gotten better at writing. Still, I hope you enjoy though.

HAIKYU! BOYS & S/O ARGUED BEFORE AN IMPORTANT EVENT

Wakatoshi Ushijima

It’s rare for Ushijima to be silent whenever he really has something to say. He’s always been upfront. He always says what’s on his mind even if you may or may not like it. Of course, honesty and being genuine really helped you all through out your relationship. Yet, it’s different this time. He’s awfully quiet (like really, really, really quiet). He’s not even sparing you a glance across the living room. It looked like something’s brewing inside him and you can’t figure out what.

“Love, come on. Talk.”, you told him while standing on the doorway. You are wearing your work clothes except for the doctor’s coat that’s on your arm. Your shift’s about to start in two hours but you need to be at the hospital an hour before for the endorsements and other stuffs. “Babe…” you pleaded once more as you try to coax him to say something. But no avail. He just shifted on his seat, his eyes focusing on the tv screen. You sighed.

“Toshi, I’m really sorry about this. I didn’t know this would happen, that I would replace another doctor’s shift—” you mumbled on his neck as you hugged him in his seat. "Because you forgot to block your schedule for the next day." He said, cutting you off. It felt like cold water was splashed down on you. You can’t help but sigh in resignation. “I’m sorry.” That’s all you can say because it really is your fault this time.

Wakatoshi told you to clear your schedule a week ago before you shuffle shifts for the week. He knew that a doctor’s working schedule is erratic. That there some days and nights that you’re not going to be home and you’ll rarely see each other. There are some days that you and Toshi can spend more time together. He knew, that is why he asked you beforehand. “Yeah, sure babe.”, you agreed. You saw his rare boyish grin. However, you had a busy day at work and it slipped your mind.

“I’m really sorry, babe. I promise I’ll be there. I’ll really, really try hard to be there tomorrow. But I got to go. Love you.” You reassured him one last time then gave him a chaste kiss on his cheek. You rushed out the door. As much as you hate to leave your sulking husband, you have to. You pledge to do everything with chosen profession. Honestly, you felt terrible but you know better than to bring personal problems at work. Wakatoshi heard the door closed as you went out. He doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or frustrated. He’s really looking forward that Sunday brunch because your parents are going to be there.

You arrived at work but your mind seems to fling back to the look you last saw on Ushijima. You can’t help but internally berate yourself for absolutely forgetting. You shrugged the thoughts off as you finished reading/studying the patient’s chart. You’ll make your morning rounds in a few hours and you’re starting to get dizzy from all the hospital buzz. You found it unusual so you decided to get it checked.

Your shift ended 30 minutes before the brunch so you just texted Toshi that you’ll just meet him there and that the both of you have things to discuss. He just replied “ok”. O-K, two letters. As much as it frustrates you, you cannot do anything about it since you’re kind of at fault here. Now you got to make it up to him and you just know the perfect thing to do.

You arrived at the venue, both of your parents and Toshi are already there. You went to place a chaste kiss to your husband and greeted your parents after. In the middle of the small gathering, your parents pointed out that both you look awkward and seems to be having a problem. There is no point denying it since your parents already saw it through. They gave you guidance and advices, as you admit that it was your mistake. To make it up for everyone especially Toshi, you handed them white envelops.

Your lips pursed in anticipation and preventing a grin. You witnessed how their reactions changed from confusion to surprised to elation. Your mother was crying. Both of your dads are teary eyed. Your darling husband, oh the man’s got stuck on his seat, his left hand tightly holding the paper.

“Are you serious?” he asked you, still trying to wrap the information in his head. “Oh, so you know how to talk?” you teased him which earned you a grunt from him. “Of course! Laboratory tests results don’t lie. I was thinking of using peed on tests but I figured laboratory tests would be more reliable plus it’s free since I work there.” You quickly supplied as you gobble up the fruits on your plate.

Wakatoshi pulled you for a kiss and a hug along with the murmurs of ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m gonna be a dad.’.

Indeed, it was a great make up gift to your then disappointed husband.

Kotaru Bokuto

All through out your relationship with Bokuto is nothing but perfect. Perfect in a sense that you are equal in everything, he has been a reliable and responsible partner to you as you are to him. You balance out each other. Since the beginning of your relationship—when you first met and become acquainted—to the whole marriage and building a home with you, he has been a stable partner despite his ‘antics’. Bokuto has his tendency to mess up but he always gets back up. He has these weaknesses (per Akaashi) but he always comes around to make up for it. You know all these things about him and you love him no less.

There is no perfect relationship and couple fights are not uncommon especially to the two of you. The only catch is that the both of you are willing not to sleep on it until you’ve come up to a resolution. The biggest fight you had is when Bokuto tried to act up because your schedules didn’t permit you to see him before he left for a game—this way back before you had your first child. You almost call everything off. You were just so overwhelmed with the marriage, the pregnancy (which Kou didn’t know about yet), and work. So, it ended in a huge fight that was resolved three days later. Since then, the both of you are trying to not make disagreements into arguments. But not this time…

You just arrived from the business trip. You had a long day and receiving the news from the teacher that Bokuto didn’t show up for the meeting just makes you want to pull your hair out in frustration. Bokuto met up with you in the doorway and tried to kiss you but you moved away. You went to your bedroom and changed. Bokuto followed you with a pout.

“Not now, Kou. I’m not happy with you right now.” you said as you do your nightly routine. “Baby why? Did I do something? You just got back from work. I took care of the house and our son. What did I do wrong?” Bokuto was utterly confused.

“Really now, Kou?” you spat, crossing your hands on your chest. “No, baby, I really have no idea.” Bokuto insisted calmly.

“Kou! You told me you’d attend the teacher’s meeting today but you didn’t! I found because the teacher texted me and I have to freaking call her just to apologize and to be informed what went on with the meeting. Ugh…! You… I just can’t with you right now.” you groaned in frustration. You recalled the moment you read the teacher’s message as you drive your way home. It turns out that that meeting was for the parents of the kids that’s going to finish the school term with special distinction and your husband was no show. You also recalled how tight you gripped the steering wheel that your knuckles turned white.

Kou’s expression changed like he remembered something he forgot about which fueled your anger more.

“You forgot?! You freaking forgot?! What the crap!” your voice went an octave higher and scoffed in disbelief. “Kou, I can’t believe you!” you said before Kotarou could retort because at the moment he’s at loss for words. He indeed forgot.

You are fuming. Despite how busy you were, you reminded him and he still forgot. You just controlled your urge to throw the lotion bottle at him. You groaned in frustration, a bit calmer now. Your husband sat down on your bed, head bowed down like a little kid being reprimanded.

“The meeting was that important, Kou. The teacher said that the attendees of that meeting are the parents of the children who has a special distinction this end of the school term. Our son was one of them.” Bokuto looked at you, eyes shone with pride but that was only for a brief moment the second you glared at him. “And you missed it.” You continued. Bokuto knew he can never argue with you on this, clearly, he’s at fault. “Babe, I’m very sorry.” He mumbled. You sigh. It already happened. You already forgave him before he apologized but it doesn’t mean you’re gonna let him go that easily. “Whatever, Kou. I’m sleeping.”

This was the last conversation you have, days ago. Until today you still ignored Bokuto not because you’re still mad at him—you already forgave him the morning after when he made you breakfast, but you like to see him grovel. The thing is, you want Bokuto to understand that there are responsibilities that goes beyond than providing comfort and stuffs for the family and sometimes he forgets that.

“Baby owl, look at our son. I can’t believe he’s up going up there to receive his first award in kindergarten.” He whispered, still a little wary, because you still haven’t talked to him properly. You hummed in answer. Bokuto looked at you with pleading eyes, “Babe, please. You haven’t talked to me properly in days. I miss you.” You looked at him, one brow raised. “I promise to be better. I promise not to forget things anymore especially if it concerns our son, just forgive me and talk to me.” He continued, with a subtle pout. You want to laugh, his expressions never changed. “Yes, Kou. I already forgave you.” Just as you finished saying those words and before Kou could answer, your son appeared in front of you. “Mommy forgive dada? Mommy kiss dada now?” You and Bokuto looked at each other and then laughed. “Yes, yes, yes, little owl. Mommy forgave me. Dada can kiss her now.” Your husband answer while winking at your son. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” your son gleefully cheered.

Kou kissed the top of your head while whispering 'I love you'. Kou then whispered praises to your son as you walked out of the venue hand in hand, off to your home where you’re going to celebrate all the milestones in life.

[yoonjinkooked]

Chemistry | JHS (6 (pt 1))

Part 6 - Just Do It

(pls ignore my old URL, i’m too lazy to change it now RIP)

DRABBLE SERIES, TONS OF SHORT LITTLE CHAPTERS.

SERIES MASTERLIST

Pairing: Hoseok / Reader

Rating: 18+

Genre: FWB, university AU, smut

Warnings: blonde Hobi (yes, that’s a dang warning), heaps of dirty talk, public groping, lots of sex discussion, them being responsible adults and getting tested before doing it, cursing, drinking. It ends on a bit of a cliff hanger cause this is just an intro of the smut fest that the next chapter will be Also, IMPORTANT: the ‘Spring Cleaning’ party that I am describing is fictional (that I know of at least) and I BEG OF YOU, please don’t mix your drinks. Just don’t. It won’t end well. Don’t mix drinks, don’t drink and drive, don’t drink what a random person gives you and never ever ever leave sight of your glass. Please. Drink responsibly and stay the f away from it if you are underaged. That also means you need to stay the f away from this story, too 💜

Word Count: 3k

Summary: After a few years of being immune to Jung Hoseok’s charms, you suddenly fall into them, head first. All it takes is one night, too much alcohol and a lot of balls.

A/N: Again, DRINK RESPONSIBLY! The smut fest part 2 is coming super fast (no pun intended). Unedited, so please forgive me, I needed to get this shit out to you and i just need more Hobi. these are drabbles after all lol

“I’m clean,” Hoseok informs you with the widest grin possible. “Got the results emailed this morning. 100% clean and ready.” 

 You don’t register his words at all - first of all, he had startled you, appearing directly in front of your path, probably seeing you from afar, making your way to the study hall where the first class of your day takes place. And on top of that, you are way too shocked with his appearance to even bother understanding the words he was telling you. 

 “You’re… you’re blonde,” you mumble as you stare at his hair, wondering if it’s your mind playing tricks on you. Sunlight makes hair lighter, doesn’t it? It doesn’t make it almost platinum, though. Looking him over, you realize that nothing else has changed - still the same height, still the same weight, still his signature casual but colorful clothing - but the blonde is there and it’s magnetic - it’s impossible to look at anything else before your eyes are glued to his new hairstyle again. It suits him so damn well. If someone had told you he’d look this good blonde, you wouldn’t have believed them. 

 “Oh, yeah,” he waves his hand off, laughing, as if it’s a completely irrelevant thing. Honestly, to him it might be, but not to you. “More importantly, I am clean,” he repeats his earlier words and this time around, you do get to properly register them, as well as the meaning behind them. Clean. Safe to have sex. No worries in that department. You should be overjoyed but not only are you still hypnotized by his sudden change of looks, you’re also refusing to focus on that particular information. 

 It’s weird - you did stuff, discussed even more, agreed on everything. You blushing at him informing you that it’s finally safe for him to fuck you and finish inside you is weird. 

 “You’re blonde,” is all you can say, and it earns you an eye roll from Hoseok. 

 “Oh come on Y/N,” he whines. “If you’re going to be like this just take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

 “Hey!” you snap, smacking him on the shoulder in retaliation, which only makes him laugh. “Have mercy on me here, give me a moment to get used to this new look of yours. If I showed up with a completely different hair color, would you be able to focus on anything else?” you demand, absolutely positive that he’d be equally as lost as you are. 

 “If you telling me that you’re clean and we can finally fuck, yeah, I wouldn’t be focusing on hair, even if it had all the colors of the rainbow in it,” he answers honestly. 

 “Okay, okay, we get it, we’re on the same page - you’re stupidly hot, clean and want to fuck,” you laugh at him, although you would be a fool to deny that it’s getting to you - the way he is so upfront about liking you and being attracted to you is impossible to ignore - it makes you feel a lot more confident than you have felt in a long while. 

 “Oh Y/N, you know me so well,” he acts as if he’s genuinely touched and it’s this reaction that makes you melt and laugh. No matter the hair color, no matter how casual he references his intention to get his dick inside you, it’s Hoseok. And that’s all that matters. “Seriously though, we both have our results so whenever you’re ready, if you’re still up for it…” he doesn’t finish the sentence but the raise of his eyebrow says it all. 

 “I’m not missing out on that piece of ass if that’s what concerns you,” you joke, looking him up and down as you speak. It’ll never cease to amaze you how he can whisper the dirtiest things to you, or even say them casually out loud, but turn as red as a tomato when you do the same thing. “What are you doing tonight, do you have any plans?” you ask. 

 “Aren’t you going to Namjoon’s?” he frowns in confusion. “Spring Cleaning party season?” he reminds you and starts laughing immediately, probably at your look of realization mixed in with disgust. “Is this about Namjoon or about the Spring Cleaning party season?” he laughs. 

 What you guys refer to as spring cleaning is exactly what it sounds like - all the leftover alcohol that somehow managed to survive the past year is gathered in one place in the ‘bring-your-own-booze’ manner. It’s usually a mixture of hideous drinks and half empty bottles and once it’s all gathered, you make it even worse, combining it into borderline poisonous mixtures. Everyone attending and everyone drinking does so on their own responsibility, fully aware of how the night might end. 

 A year ago, it was still fun. Now, you know you’re too old for that shit. 

 “It’s about both,” you answer Hobi’s question in a whine. “I don’t wanna deal with wasted frat boys who’ll spend half the night throwing up and Namjoon is insufferable.” 

 “Namjoon is one of your best friends,” Hobi laughs. 

 “I know - that’s why I’m well aware of how insufferable he is,” you grunt in annoyance. “I know it’s tradition and all but can we skip all of that? Coochie in exchange for avoiding a party we’re too old for anyways?” you suggest. 

 “Wait,” Hoseok’s eyes widen and you can imagine a lightbulb turning on above his head. “You think Namjoon’s insufferable?” 

 “Incredibly so, yes.” 

 “And you want to make his life a living hell in retaliation?” he continues asking. 

 “Absolutely,” you reply in a heartbeat, despite loving Namjoon like he was your family. You adore him but you cannot stand him at times and ever since this little thing with Hoseok had started, he had not stopped teasing you. It’s time for him to suffer. 

 “Hear me out,” Hoseok moves closer to you, as if he is about to share a conspiracy theory that no one except you is allowed to know about. “How about we go to the party and stay there a bit - laugh at the idiots, dance to bad music - just a regular Thursday. And then, when the shitshow starts, and it will start, we go upstairs and seal the deal?” 

 “You want us to fuck in Namjoon’s house?” you start laughing. 

 “Is there anything that would annoy and traumatize him more than knowing two of his closest friends fucked in his house?” he points out. 

 “Yeah, if he walks in,” you burst out laughing. “Honestly, sold. Fuck it.” 

 “I plan to,” he wiggles his eyebrows at you in the most sleazy manner possible - jokingly, of course. He knows he has you hooked and he can play around with it. And you’ll love it. 

 “Ugh, stop doing that,” you laugh, smacking him on the shoulder again. “Don't try too hard, you already have me, blondie.” 

 “I look that good, huh?” he laughs, hitting the bullseye. 

 You don’t answer that question - you offer him nothing more than a smile and a shrug before you slowly walk past him and make your way to a class you’re probably already late for. He knows you enough to realize that to you, yes, he does look that good. And you cannot wait to find out what other things he can do to you, hoping that the movie is as promising as the trailer was. 

  Standing across the room, Hoseok keeps his eyes glued to you, the same way he did from the moment you entered the house. You aren’t hiding from it either - you make direct eye contact with him, smiling in a knowing manner as you listen to whatever it is that Taehyung was yapping on about. You tried to listen - you really did, at first. But the problem is that Hoseok’s very presence demands your attention - it’s something you can’t control. If he’s around, if he’s in the room and if you have this feeling of the two of you alone knowing something, knowing this secret about what’s going to happen tonight - no one else stands a chance, not even your friends.

 “Are you seriously ogling Hoseok while I’m asking you for relationship advice?” Taehyung sounds exasperated and you feel guilty - even more so when you realize that the only reason he did manage to get your attention was because he had mentioned his name. 

 “Ugh, I’m so sorry Tae,” you don’t try to defend yourself, knowing you’re guilty as charged. “My mind is a mess, I’m a useless friend. I just… can’t focus on anything else,” you admit sheepishly, not really wanting to go into details. They know that something is happening and that’s it. You don’t want to share more, neither does Hoseok, nor do you think any of your friends is particularly thirsty for details. Except perhaps Jimin, but tough luck for him. 

 “Then go!” Tae urges you and for a moment, you think that he is angry at you - the urgency with which he said it makes you wonder if he’s pissed with you for not listening to him carefully - but when you look up at him, you see his signature smile. He’s not angry - he’s cheering you on. “Go and get your guy!” 

 You want to  sigh, roll your eyes and remind him that Hoseok is not your guy - but in a weird, fucked up way that only you and him understand, he kind of is. It’s you he’s looking at - not any other girl, and there are plenty. It’s you he’s had his eyes on ever since he first saw you - it’s you he’s waiting for. 

 So you go for it - the same way you did the night it all started. Without thinking twice about it, you approach him, walking through a crowd of people to get to him - his eyes follow you every step of the way, standing straighter as you finally get to him, mere inches separating the two of you. 

 It’s electric. The feeling between the two of you, it’s purely electric, making you wonder if he’d burn to the touch if you were to reach out. In your mind, he always was the epitome of the Sun, so it wouldn’t be no surprise. You notice his smile despite not breaking eye contact - he smiles at you with them too, the signature wrinkles appearing on the edges. 

 “Well, don’t you look lovely tonight,” he tells you, giving you a quick once over. “Black has always suited you.” 

 “Now’s the time when I say something quirky yet charming like, ‘it matches my soul’,” you joke, laughing along with him. “Thank you - I had to dress in my finest, seeing as it’s a special occasion after all.” 

 “Is it?” he laughs. “I thought it was just a Spring Cleaning party.” 

 “Hoseok…” you shoot him a warning glare. 

 “I’m just messing with you,” he laughs, pointing out the obvious. “Can I… kiss you?” 

 This question takes you by surprise - you have decided to be public with whatever the hell this thing is - simply to avoid confusion, especially since you’ve agreed that you won’t be sleeping with other people while this deal of yours is standing. It’s a nice surprise, though - the fact that he still wants to ask, the fact that he is making sure that you are comfortable with it - whether it’s with the kiss itself or it being in public. It warms your heart to know that even though you had never planned any of this with him, he ended up being the right choice. 

 “Hobi, honestly, we’re past the point where you need to ask,” you admit, wanting him to know that you’re not going to back out and that you do feel comfortable. 

 He says nothing, instead deciding to kiss you immediately. It’s slow and gentle, lazy and languid, in a way that shows no rush or urgency. It’s obvious that he is enjoying it, and so are you, every move of his tongue against yours, every breath of yours that mingles with his. To the two of you, the rest of the room no longer exists - the sounds toned out, the people long forgotten. It’s almost as if it’s you and you alone - and the rest of the world doesn’t matter. You move your body closer to his, anchoring your hands around his neck as you press against his front - as you have found out, making out with Hoseok has plenty of merits, and one of the bigger ones is simply the feel of his body against yours. 

 His hands wander, slowly and likely aware of the audience around you - it’s highly unlikely that anyone spared you more than a glance, but despite what it feels like in your mind, you are definitely not alone. So when his fingers graze your ass, he doesn’t grab it firmly like you know he’d like to - he simply rests his hand there, with pressure that promises that there’s more in his mind than a simple touch. You know very well that if the two of you don’t slow down soon, he’ll pop a boner in the middle of Namjoon’s kitchen and even though you’re hardly keeping this a secret, that would likely be a bit too much for him to handle. 

 With your mind heading in that direction, you begrudgingly stop the kiss, but you don’t move too far away from him - your hands still around his neck and his hands still on your ass. For what seems like minutes, neither of you says a word, simply looking at each other, your eyes scanning the face of the other - the way his lips are wet and how he nervously licks at them, the way his cheeks also changed shades (and you know alcohol is not to blame for it) and the glint in his eye that likely mirrors yours, with both of you knowing what’s in the other one’s head. Tonight is the night, the night you will finally seal the deal. 

 And if all goes well, start something that will make you explore things and areas you dared not speak of, much less try them before. All of it, from the sweetest and most romantic to the nastiest, kinkiest shit imaginable - you want to do it all with him and it’ll start tonight. 

 “So...” You start, in what you hope is a sexy voice. “Are we going to go and piss Joon off by fucking in his house?” you ask, making sure that the sexy voice you’re trying to use is also low enough for no one else but him to hear. You take it a step further, pressing your lips to his ear, whispering. “I want to suck you off before I ride you until I can no longer hold myself up. Then, I want you to fuck into me with all that strength you have and fill me up, watch the cum drip out of me and then watch me finger it back inside my cunt.” 

 Pulling away just in time to see him swallow a lump, you move one of your hands from around his neck, down his chest and stomach, very slowly, before grazing it over his already noticeable growing dick - you don’t tease him more than that, knowing that even though you might not feel them, you likely do have eyes on you by now - you simple careers the area where his jeans are starting to stand out, a sign of his eagerness that completely mirrors the way your underwear is sticking to your core. Both of you are horny as all hell and if you don’t act on it soon, you’ll jump his bones right here, right now, on Joon’s kitchen sink. 

 “How ‘bout I use my fingers to push the cum back inside you and when it dribbles out again, I eat you out until you want to scream my name but you can’t, ‘cause you’re sucking on my fingers, licking every drip of cum left on them?” he suggests and you for a second, you think your knees are going to give out and you’ll fall flat. You don’t, likely because he still has his hands pressed to your backside. 

 “Oh, I’d want nothing more,” you shamelessly admit. 

 “Then we’re not doing it here,” he announces, laughing at the immediate sulky reaction it elicited from you. “Don’t be like that, it’s better if we go to my place,” he chuckles at you, gently squeezing your butt. “I want us to enjoy the night, go for as many rounds as our bodies can take and then do it again in the morning. We can’t have that here while some freshman is doing a keg stand and anyone can walk in on us at any second. We can piss Joon off later - but it’s the first time we’re gonna do it and damn it, I wanna do it right.” 

 “You wanna do it right?” your eyebrows rise. 

“I could stand here all night and list all the things that I want to do to you, and you to me, and still remember more on the way home - and we’ve already discussed a bunch. I want to treat you good and give you the best fuck of your life - I promised as much and I want to deliver. We can fuck in Joon’s house any other day, honestly.” 

 “Do you want to… use something tonight?” you ask, pressing your hand against his crotch a little bit harder this time. “I have some toys back at my place but we won’t be alone there.” 

 “Nah,” he shakes his head immediately. “I have my cock, mouth and fingers - I don’t need much else to make you want to never do anyone else. We’ll have plenty of time for all the toys - and when I say all, I mean all. I’d go for anything with you.” 

 “If you keep talking like that, I’m just going to cum right here, right now,” you admit. 

 “While that would be a sight for sore eyes, I have other plans. Let’s go,” he takes you by the hand and away you go, making your way through the crowd, not caring if anyone notices how quickly you’re leaving or how you’re walking hand in hand. 

 You simply don’t give a shit, at all. All you care about is Hoseok right now - his dick, mouth and fingers and all the things he plans to do with them. 

[literaphobe]

Two questions:

1. What do you feel about CorpsexSykunno ship?

I feel like it's MarkiplierxJacksepticeye all over again, starts out innocent and turns uncomfortable.

(Also I think real people shipping is gross in general)

2. Dream smp makes me so nervous, not necessarily because of any of the members but due to (1) the history of online teams dominated (and lead) by male influencers, (2) minecraft youtube's general history of exploiting fans. I feel like it's going to end badly. You seem to be enjoying it tho, and it's definitely up my alley, should I get into it?

1. Corpse and Sykkuno are not comfortable being shipped! Neither of them are okay with being shipped with ANY of their friends in general, so like, don’t do it, or if u do like. i guess just don’t say anything about it? it’s really not hard to just enjoy their friendship. like it’s an endearing friendship n there’s nothing wrong w liking it. but. nothing more u know. plus both of them have made it clear on several occasions that they’re both straight and my gaydar agrees JFKDKDK like they’re just. Friends. Who care about each other :)

I definitely think it’s not like the markiplier x jacksepticeye situation, because for one u have jack himself telling people not to ship etc etc and also BECAUSE of that u have people actively policing any form of shipping. it’s honestly gotten to the point where it’s annoying but i genuinely don’t think it’s that big a problem, plus the rising popularity of the amigops puts less pressure on one-on-one corpse + sykkuno interactions, since people now wanna see all four of them play games together n not just corpse n sykkuno!

2. I get why Dream SMP would make u nervous. An interesting thing I realized when I started finding out more about people on that server is that there’s marginally more poc on it than I previously thought and also A LOTTTTT more lgbt+ people than i previously thought. Like genuinely why are so many of u so gay. And like that affects the stories being told obviously. Like. I don’t think it’s perfect n I don’t follow EVERY person on the SMP, just like i obviously don’t know everything about every minecraft YouTuber like fkdkdkdk i would say the only people i watch are dream, george, quackity (and even then i haven’t seen most of quackity’s YouTube videos) and like I’ve seen a couple of tommyinnit’s videos Fjdjdjdj and sapnap obviously but he has like 10 videos and i watch Karl’s streams if certain people are on it. yeah i think that’s about it like i do like the feral boys (dream george karl quackity sapnap) and i have seen maybe one or two skeppy videos

Anyway I get ur concerns about online circles dominated by male influencers too. but quite frankly compared to past circles ive seen its genuinely not that bad and also. In terms of holding them accountable, I think mcyttwt makes VERY sure of that (which honestly has devolved into a problem. because privileged haters will dig up stuff on creators that either a. has been addressed properly or b. is just. several years old and i don’t like how minorities are being weaponized. also i cannot stress how little i care that some minecraft YouTuber said the r slur 10 years ago when they literally never do it now. like. i worry so much because so many of these stans who think they’re ‘educating’ are just wearing themselves out n burning themselves out. so many of them are minors too)

but like. the people i am kept up w definitely do take responsibility and accountability. like dream especially gets accused of stuff that’s either fake/not him or something that’s just like out of this world (e.g. accused of queerbaiting. w george. interestingly no one ever accuses george directly of doing this) and no matter what he like addresses it properly and accordingly. like looking at his journey as a creator over the past year he’s grown a LOT and changed so much and matured a lot and i think like. looking at how much he’s blowing up and how much more of a following he’ll gain. I feel much better that it’s him who has this following as compared to. Certain people. And like. It’s upsetting to see how a lot of people have this impression of him that’s objectively false? Due to all the fake stuff that gets spread by haters (most often white for some reason???)? Because genuinely he’s not the creator we need to be so worried about?

Anyway in terms of getting into mcyts in the dream smp. I knew who Dream was because he’s played among us w the amigops a lot n they all like him because he’s just a good natured amicable person. I vaguely knew who george was because of dnf n also people putting his stupid face on my tl all the time. I thought he was pretty n hated that I thought that. I don’t care anymore tho. Like what’s wrong w looking at pretty people. I deserve it. Anyway! I got into their videos through GEORGE first, funnily. I think Minecraft, But I’m Not Colorblind Anymore was the first one I watched and it’s very very good. It’s endearing because it’s George trying out colorblind glasses for the first time n he’s nervous but Dream is there with him to make him feel more comfortable. And also Dream is so happy n emotional (he talks about tearing up at the thought of George being able to see colors properly) and their friendship is just very endearing. The video starts w george taking a colorblind test and we find out he has protan colorblindness (severity: STRONG which makes them crack jokes about how George is SO strong 😤)

anyway these losers. Decide to test the colorblind glasses on colors in MINECRAFT because of course that’s the whole video and it’s really heartwarming to see George learn how colors look like again n Dream just being excited about it the whole time n then George taking the colorblind test again at the end but with the glasses on... n then u go on to watch more george videos but it’s the ANIMAL CHALLENGES. like George Speedruns Minecraft But His Friend Is (Insert Animal, This Animal Is Always Dream) and like...... yeah so I watched a bunch of George’s videos n I went onto dream’s channel out of curiosity

And i was like. What the fuck. These videos are so WEIRDLY named. What the fuck is Finale, Finale Rematch, Grand Finale???? But dream has adhd too and in hindsight I absolutely would’ve titled the videos in a similarly confusing way. Anyway dreams manhunt videos are...... a work of art. I swear to god like even if u don’t know jackshit about minecraft they are very entertaining and weirdly impressive.

Basically in Minecraft Manhunt: Dream has to beat the game, but his friends are there trying to kill him. If they kill him even ONCE, they win n the video ends. He’s allowed to kill them repeatedly though. Manhunt started with one hunter (George, to one’s surprise), then two hunters (Sapnap and George), three (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo), and now four (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo, Antfrost). The next stage is possibly 5 hunters but idk who is the fifth yet. Anyway the thing that’s so entertaining about minecraft manhunt is:

1) Dream’s Parkour & PVP skills, which he developed and trained over such a short period of time n got REALLY good, it’s satisfying to watch him do risky maneuvers n succeed, the ways he’ll jump from a high place but clutch w either water, blocks, horses, boats, scaffolding, etc, to escape from the hunters

2) Dream’s TRAPS, like he actually does research for possible plans n traps he could do to counter the hunters, since there’s so many of them and only one of him, and he can’t just fight them in combat exclusively, since he’ll lose eventually if he gets ganged up on. I won’t spoil any of his traps, but they’re very good and also very dramatic. It’s amazing

3) The banter and taunting!! The lies and tricks!! They’re all really close so it’s easy for them to crack jokes during a lull where neither party is engaged in a fight, they’re all on the same VC so they can potentially say stuff to trick each other, or they can hear the other team say stuff that gives them an edge

4) The editing. Like the pacing is incredible, and all the bgm used is SO good at setting the atmosphere n making things more tense n exciting etc. like “dream’s manhunt music” is honestly a meme at this point but he actually unironically uses it and it unironically makes the videos better. Also dream edits all the manhunt videos by himself!! he doesn’t hire editors to do it for him or anything

idk what else to say but yeah I watch most of dream n george’s YouTube videos and they’re in most of each other’s videos and I like their dynamic a lot!! Especially since they still have not met in real life but already know they want to like live together (forever, according to George), and it like reminds me of the friendships I have because most of my close friendships have been made online. And like. They remind me that online friendships aren’t actually inferior. That’s it :) sorry this is so long

[sweetobseesion]

About Wang So’s Villainy

*I DO NOT HATE WANG SO, NOR IS THIS A POST CRITICISING HIM. IT IS BASED ON MY OPINION , AND IT AIMS TO POINT OUT AND EXPLORE  HIS “VILLAINOUS SIDE” THAT SHAPES HIM THROUGHOUT THE DRAMA.

I just wanted to point this out because I’ve noticed people have two reactions to it. Either there’s people denying it or people heavily emphasising on it.I would like to clarify,that Wang So is very much a character that is caught in crossroads, stuck between both his selfless heroic nature and his ,beastly savage side.

The show never denied his villainy, not even for a moment.He was always dangerous,scary and he himself, usually acknowledges his crimes and extreme personality.

The only difference is , he had the scope to be a better person. He realises he is in the wrong and understands the consequences of his actions. But even then , he never changes. Murder is always a full forged solution in his book.

But what made his personality more flawed was his anger, pride and this ability to listen to only himself. It’s what made him into a powerful king too, but it’s also what affected his relationship with Soo towards the end.

It’s hard to discern whether his impulsive , suspicious nature is the result of his environment and circumstances that he grew up in or just his personality. His Nature. But Wang So has always been pragmatic, opportunist and suspicious of those around him.

When we see him enter the palace, he kills of a horse. When Jimong offers him the opportunity to protect the crown prince , he questions his intentions. And he never opens up to anyone and is always on guard, full of excuses and masks. Which is why when Yeonhwa suggests he learns with the princes, he says he prefers being alone with his hunts. We all know he wants to live in Songak,but he says this because he doesn’t want her to know his intentions. And even Yeonhwa,can see through it.

He isolates himself from people.And it’s this exact combination of stubbornness, impulsivity and constant suspicion that makes it so easy for him kill anyone quickly and justify it. And since he isolated himself, there’s no one to stop him or make him think on it.And hence, he grows up, used to his extreme actions and not reflecting on it. Though he has his moments of regret, it’s not something he dwells on a lot.And he will never admit to it too,because he has pride.

All this makes it all the more easy for him to justify his actions.

It makes him either invincible or impossible and stubborn. Quite possibly both, but that doesn’t mean he is not bound to face the consequences of his actions. He is human after all, and if he chooses reckless actions one after the other and defend it, he’s bound to face the consequences. It doesn’t matter if he has a good reason or not. General Park points that out to him , clearly.

But he doesn’t think it through , and just ponders it for a while. But this moment, pretty much sets the stage for his inevitable end. All throughout his life he has to kill to survive, but the more he kills, the more enemies he creates and the more he has to cover up his path. And hence , the lonelier he becomes.

Meanwhile his relationship with Soo blossoms,and he finds it hard to explain his feelings for her.She shows him empathy and never judges him in his worst state,and tries to understand him. She treats him with kindness and like any other human being. He finds it easy and comfortable to talk to her and be around her.He opens up to her easily and listens to her easily. He also thinks about her and willingly incorporates what she says into his thoughts and actions. In other words , he has a crush on he doesn’t realise it. It’s quite hard for him to understand his own feelings, given how lonely he grew up.

And when he does,he is confused yet thrilled. But he still doesn’t possess complete understanding of his emotions, and he is not completely comfortable with having a person who sees right through him. Like when she sees right through his insecurity of his scar.And he punishes her for that by silence , and reprimanding her when she makes his favourite tea.

He ignores her, and it’s not until she reaches out to him after the rain festival does he put his defences down. But then, this was only achieved through her own efforts.In order to help him,she creates a foundation that conceals his scar,and she helps him succeed in the rain ritual.

He pretty much sets his heart to her after that and chases her and focuses on getting her for himself.He never listens to her rejection or her refusal and is quite insistent with his ways.He seeks her out and is quite determined to have her and he uses all means possible to have her by his side. Like he asks the King for her, then he takes her out of the palace ,drinks poison to protect her and stands by her side.

But little does he realise that this puts her in danger more than anything else. Because the more he chases her the more jealous Wook gets, the more worried his father becomes and the worse her reputation becomes ,because everyone calls her “bad luck” and blames her for how he turned out. But thing is , he does not realise it. He never sees the damage he’s unintentionally caused to her because in his mind he’s doing the right thing, choosing the right thing. He won’t listen to anyone who disagrees and he defies anyone who tries to stop him and that includes the king. In his mind, he already sees himself as the Knight in shining armour, who fights for the woman he loves.

And as his feelings grow, he also finds himself getting easily jealous. He has this habit of just assuming things and sticking by it, and it makes it hard for him to communicate.When he has to marry someone and is aware that is a deal breaker to her, he never reveals to her the reason behind it. Fans say this better than making up a excuse but I don’t see how this is better as it just leaves her alone without an explanation.All because he assumes she would hate him anyway.At the end of the day an explanation is better than an assumption or an excuse. He gets jealous when Baek Ah gets her the best present. His emotions have now become completely besotted with her,and is eager for real romance .So it’s not much of surprise to see his reaction after he discovers Jung hid in her room,it’s clear that he’s suspicious and doesn’t trust her easily.But this time , he goes to her asks her. He communicates and clears his doubts and reaches a deal. And it’s all sweetness for once.

Soon, their loyalties are tested, and they both hesitate to sort it out on their own. Wang So tries to sort it out all by himself and Hae Soo is hiding the people he’s searching for, eventually confesses to her , she holds back since she has too many warnings and supernatural visions that hold her back, but she does trust him . But it’s too late,and he ends up killing a brother and that haunts him. But that’s what pushes him to realise his place and finally steer him towards his path of being king.But for that when he’s asked to sacrifice Soo, he understands and breaks up with her in the cruelest way possible,by blaming her for his brother’s death.

The thing is, while saying those cruel words, he is also venting his anger out to her. When he returns he is still cold to her , but she still chases after him.She is burdened with guilt,and he cannot deny his feelings. Soon this leads to reincoincillation But thing is, Soo know he left her for the throne, but listens to his other reason anyway.She is beyond the point of no return, desperate to be with him. Hence gets what he wants, the throne and the girl.And they’re happy , for a while.

Until the issue of their marriage comes up,and everyone around Soo reminds her that she cannot marry him and be queen.The whole court urges So to marry Yeonhwa and he holds back, stubborn and he refuses to listen to them.Again Hae Soo ,has to give her approval and seem weak or the bad person.She is willingly talking the burn out for their relationship, both publicly and personally. Meanwhile , So grows more powerful.And he doesn’t back down this time.

He gets more stubborn and set in his ways,and refuses to listen to anyone else, especially now that his word is practically the law.He distances himself from Soo because he’s failed to live up to his promises of marrying her and starts channeling his anger to the Court and Jung .So he doesn’t hold back and starts unleashing his power and vengeance , beginning with Jung when he opposes him, and forbidding him to see his mother.When his mother protests , he forbades him to see her , which causes the queen to go on a hunger protest, asking to see her Jung.

We see Soo try to stop it , yes out of concern for Jung. But only because it’s in her character and she foresees the disastrous consequences, that it could possibly haunt him in the end and it did, in a way he never saw coming. When she sends for him ,he doesn’t reprimand or argue with her,he directly threatens her with punishment , proving he’s finally become the King he’s destined to be. Everything that was Wang So has already submerged into his conscience and only Gwangjong remains.

How could anyone expect her to understand him, when the man who loves her and risked his life for her is now threatening her with punishment, while instilling fear in her ?He’s being a King more than anything else. Jung arrives late and the queen dies.He later berates her for not taking his side, and walks away before she has the chance to apologise or provide comfort. He’s broken yes, but he is also unwilling to listen.Then, he proceeds to kill Chaeryung without an explanation, probably expecting her understanding in that matter too. People still blame Hae Soo , like they do for everything. But it was too much of a shock for her, just watching as she is beaten to death,without any anticipation or explanation.So explains his reason, but it’s too late, the graphic images of what she saw still reel in her head and no excuses can properly apply, because he really did kill her without warning. The reality of the palace becomes clear to Soo, and she makes up her mind.

Meanwhile, Wang So is furious and he blames Wook for all this,and when he goes to his room.He finds Yeonhwa , sitting there trying to trick him into consummating the marriage,but he sees through it.He makes a deal with her to get his revenge against Wook and it involves making the same promise he made to Soo.

So executes his plan to stand up to Wook, but he’s shocked to see Soo stand up to him. He states that he doesn’t like it but he listens to her this time, only because she doesn’t give him the opportunity to walk away by kneeling and she comes up with a good reason.

People point out and sometimes even write lengthy metas defending his actions, romanticising it and citing it as the greatest example of love to ever exist. But they fail to understand why this is considered problematic.It’s problematic because it’s so twisted and it’s bound to have consequences. He’s out here framing his brother, using consummation with his sister as colleteral, and is deriving pleasure out of momentary revange using his position of authority.As if that’s not that’s not bound to have consequences.

As viewers, we have an idea of how conniving Wook is. But the  idea Goryeo’s society has of Wook is he is a wise scholar an benevolent individual, a brother in law of the king who would be gracious enough to marry off his sister to him. He has the ministers in his fingertips, and if the King were to kill him over a bird, it would just prove what they and history have been thinking : That he’s a tyrant and a wolf dog who’s only good at killing people. He’s early into his reign and it would certainly build up a reputation that would not get him respect from the ministers.On top of that this was a guy that blamed himself for killing his brother for years.

And that’s exactly why Soo stops him. Sure she doesn’t want Wook to die, but also doesn’t want So to be remembered only as a bloody king. But this riles up his suspicion and Jealousy and increases his paranoia more than anything else.Next we have Jung , who finally has a chance to use his decree. He goes to Soo, who basically says what she’s been saying all along.  That she wants to leave and there’s no hope for their relationship.She’s honest with him and even confesses her hate.He again doesn’t listen to her and walks away, vowing he’ll never let her go.

And it finally allows Yeonhwa to execute her plans meticulously and for Wook to have his revenge. Wook confesses his past relationship with Soo, and it literally turns his brain upside down.He cannot believe the woman he loves used to love his enemy and she still sticks up for him. And it’s all it takes for his paranoia to sweep in and convince himself that she has never loved him and it was all Wook. He says he’ll never see her again and agrees to let her out of the palace.

I guess his actions after this split truly exhibit the many layers of his characters: his insecurity, his hypocrisy, pride ,vulnerability and jealousy. Insecurity in his feelings for Soo, that she loves someone more than him. That she never loved him and has abandoned him.Jealousy in the fact that she loved and married someone else.I guess these overwhelming emotions make him really vulnerable, and that’s what makes him cry, and still keeps tabs on her, because despite all the anger and hatred , he cannot forget her.

Besides, we cannot discuss his aspects of villainy without discussing his childhood, which is really the cusp of where it all begin. Personally, I think he only survived because he’s Wang So. He Fought back.He never let anyone disrespect him,and he found his own way to derive respect.  I think he deliberately improved on his skills, from combat to education, he improved because he wanted to prove to everyone that’s he much more than what they think. He doesn’t care for people. He only cares for his people. He’s only selfless towards those he cares about.

And that’s where his final and most darkest qualities surface: his pride and hypocrisy.All of his actions, from the beginning to the end, have been influenced by his “pride”. There’s no denying that it’s a big part of his character and the writer made it clear from the get go. We cannot say if it’s because of his traumatic childhood, and how he was treated as a hostage or it really is a underlining element of his personality, but Wang So is all about proving thing this to people. Proving that he is someone who’s much better what they think and getting back at them for putting him through what they did. It’s Soo that makes him see that power can be something more . That it can be used to do something more and help people. It’s she who makes him selfless.

But with that pride and pent up anger, he has this side of him that’s bit of an hypocrite. Why else do you think he’s able to continuously make excuses for all his actions, from the beginning? I’m not sure if it’s because he’s him or hypocrisy is a dominant gene that gets passed on to every member of the Goryeo Royal family and runs fresh in their veins , but just like all of them, he’s an hypocrite. He only sees his side of things.

He blames Soo for leaving him , but he left her as well. Two years prior, and even now. He accuses her of not trusting him and not understanding him , but as we can see , he’s the one with trust issues and he’s the one who misunderstood her feelings. He spies on her and assumes she never loved him , and really, this time he cannot blame anyone else but himself for his actions. It’s because of these actions that they have such a painful separation. He’s so involved with himself at this point , that besides seeing only his side of things, he views himself someone who’s wronged, but he never sees how much he’s actions hurt and affect the ones he’s loved .

There’s no denying that that throne makes him very vulnerable that his insecurities and guard go up times higher , making him isolate people even more. But it’s what makes him such a hypocrite , because he can only see his side of things and excuse anything he does. Especially now that he’s a king , he believes his judgement is better than everyone. Besides, anyone in a position of power, have to be a bit of an hypocrite to begin with. The trick is to not let it completely consume you. But it does and it isolates him, and its what causes him to shut himself from everyone.

In retrospect, I still vehemently hold on to my view that it was best for Hae Soo to leave the palace.With his tunnel vision, once again he never sees the danger he puts Soo in. He tells Soo that she would be his only Queen, but he says the same thing to Yeonhwa to make her give up on her brother. But he doesn’t see that she expects to have him all to herself and be  his “only queen”. So when he plans on making Soo his “second queen” and she has a child on the way, how did he think Yeonhwa will react? With open acceptance and genuine Joy? He’s so blind to her problems and caught up in his struggle, it does not even occur to him how there’s no hope for her in the palace.

All of this problems arise because of all the reasons that I’ve discused in detail. I’m not denying Hae Soo has a part in it, but this is a post focusing on Wang So’s flaws. It’s because he’s possessive, stubborn, arrogant and ignorant that he reaches the conclusion that she never loved him, believes the words of a random spy and spies on her and sees what he wants to see.

There is this thing where people always compare his love to Jung’s and argue that Jung loved better, because he didn't expect anything in return.I would like to remind them that there was a time and Soo didn’t reciprocate Wang so’s feelings and he was ready to sacrifice everything for her. He would drink poison for her. But it all changed when she started loving him back. It’s hard predict how Jung would’ve been if she reciprocated his feelings, but I’m sure he wouldn't’ t have been the same. But where his love triumphs  over So is in the respect he had for her as a person. Jung respected Soo. He respected her choices, her likes and her personality. Whereas,So only agreed with aspects of her personality and disagreed with the rest. He never respected or understood her as a whole. There was no acceptance of her as whole. His love is great but it’s also very suffocating, because there’s no space for her as a whole , flawed person. In his love there’s only space for the Soo he wants her to be: kind, understanding, fun, naive,loyal, and smart. But the stubborn, arrogant, independent, impulsive Soo that can argue back and make her own decisions ? Let’s just say there’s a reason her never listens to her in the first place.

Which is why when the news of her death reaches him and he reads the letters,  The consequences of his actions finally hit and the reality is so cruel he cannot handle it. Which is why he is in so much denial,that he is rushing in the hopes of seeing her one last time. But this time, he’s simply too late.

And this was partly a consequence of his own actions, but it finally hits him: He’s all alone now.He finally understands Hae Soo and longs for her.

The thing is, it wouldn’t have ended up all like this if he had listened to her or apologised. But like mentioned above, all his insecure,dark qualities come together, and bring out his worst self.

But ironically, that’s exactly what Goryeo needed at the time.They needed a king who’s stubborn, not easily influenced and full of pride that will withstand till the end.A king who is powerful enough to push his law through, despite opposition from noble families. And now, he has more than enough reasons to influence him and push him through those decisions. From his horrible childhood to Soo, everything stood as a reason for shaping him into who he is set to become: The powerful 4th King of Goryeo.

But its sadly it’s exactly those qualities destroys his relationship with Soo. As long as he is king, she will be used as his weakness.

My main point in writing this lengthy, tedious post is because to be honest, I’ve seen way to many Wang So stans in this app, who in order to support him, bash and blame other characters for his actions, and look at him through dreamy, swoon worthy glasses. They overlook his flaws and make defences for it, but the things flaws are very much a central point of his character.

He is a passionate lover and an astute King. But he is also is an experienced and skilled warrior, a possessive and jealous man who has no problem with scheming or giving out harsh punishments.He is childish, with trust and mommy issues and he has never recovered from the scars of his childhood. All of which eventually shapes the man he becomes.

Though it’s romantic that he states he will find her wherever she is, even if he does, it won’t bring him the romance or closure he desires. Why? Because, he still has to face the consequences of his own actions. He has to answer why he never came to get her, why he thought she never loved him etc..

He has to learn from his mistakes and understand Soo better.He needs to learn to differentiate love, and to trust her more.He needs to handle his anger properly and not confuse and channel it towards Soo. He needs to respect and understand Soo better, and all of that takes time.And space. And lots of conversations and privacy.

It’s ironic but once again through on his own words, he’s set to prove himself all over again. For all the discussions on “fate”, it seems like he’s deciding his own “fate” now. Again, very heroic but the road to it is very difficult, and there’s no Hae Soo to bear the brunt of making difficult decisions anymore.

But the real question is, whether is the same qualities that drew them apart, will it lead him to her now?

I suppose that’s the roundabout irony we’re all rooting for in the end.

[dreamsmp-au-ideas]

I was going to actually post this before asks closed (didn’t get the chance), but Teddy Bear Anon, you are one of my favorite people and a magnificent creature. You get my vibe. 

About Bad canonically being Sapnap’s dad I feel like that has so much extra angst potential when we consider the rest of the found family. Like. Sapnap, Tommy, and Fundy all have dads who started with the best of intentions but for one reason or another ended up slowly becoming a danger to them. I imagine Tommy and Fundy one day showing up with a cake and telling Sapnap “We regretfully welcome you to the shit dad club” and Sapnap is torn between being upset still and laughing over the absurdity of the situation.

Bonus points if Tommy made the cake using a recipe book that Niki gave him, the last gift Niki ever gave to Tommy. Tommy was originally a really bad cook/baker but after the egg really started to take over he went full survivalist. Leaning to cook was necessary but learning to bake was something he did as a way to raise everyone’s spirits. He’s never gotten the flavor quite to match with Niki’s perfectly but everyone agrees he’s gotten pretty decent in terms of skills. He and Fundy in particular will sometimes just spend an entire day in silence baking and then quietly eat their creations while reflecting on the friends they’ve made and lost over the course of L'manberg’s lifetime. When the group got back to the past and Niki made cookies for Tommy and Fundy the pair very nearly started crying.

Tommy is in an interesting position as a character since he did commit a lot of minor crimes and acted as a general nuisance but he was also still a child. (A very traumatized one considering I canonize SMP Earth with its unlimited lives but even more wars. Including against God. Tommy fought God just let me have this.) He acknowledges the moments when he went over the line and has tried to apologize. In particular at some point before the egg fully takes over he pulls aside Jack and tells him that he’s sorry for the way he acted when he was still in exile, taking one of Jack’s lives and all. Jack and Niki in particular are an interesting subject to address and a painful one for immune!Tommy to think about when he sees younger Niki because the three never fully tossed out the hatchet but it was obvious in the eyes of someone like Sam that both of them were growing more and more hesitant to hurt Tommy. It was made worse by the fact neither were even marginally immune, and it didn’t take long for the egg to get to them.

He never stopped being chaotic. Tommy at his core is just that kind of person. He did, however, grow up enough to act in a more mature manner. Started to recognize what’s too much. In particular he became a lot less violent and willing to lash out after Sam Nook in essence reparented him. He’s still an absolute wild card of a person, which in the eyes of Sam and Sapnap is a good thing. For this au I think we should actually address Tommy having severe ptsd and during the building of his hotel/the early days of the egg before it becomes a noticeable threat it shows. He’s a lot more subdued. Shows of aggression all carry a kind of desperation and his typical jokes feel flat. Lashing out at people slowly becomes more of a defense mechanism to see if someone’s going to leave or betray him, to test the limits of how nice they’re willing to be. After all, nice people have only ever been nice to Tommy when they wanted something from him. His eyes, especially after L'manberg is blow sky high, are well and truly gray. The first time Tommy genuinely laughs after filling Sapnap’s room with chickens is considered celebration worthy to them. His pranks take on a more hermitcraft-esque feel to them which honestly makes them more funny.

By the time they get to the past Tommy has recovered, but he still carries the kind of maturity that like Teddy Bear mentioned is reminiscent of age swap Tommy. When he gets especially stressed though, Immune!Tommy will slip into moments where he acts as tired and done with the world as age swap Tommy. With that said, most of the time he just acts like a more mature Tommy. Nothing could ever completely erase his unique vibe which Ranboo has gone on record as describing “Willing to fight God deaf, blind, and backwards just to prove a point." 

Immune Fundy and Tommy get on really well once Fundy manages to catch up with the rest of the group. It gets to the point where everyone from the past is kinda shocked since smp Fundy and Tommy do not get along. At all. Literally the first night Fundy’s back someone goes to wake them up and they find Fundy asleep on top of Tommy which is a wild experience since this Tommy is a goliath who often refuses to take off his full Netherite max enchant armor. He really becomes a "looks like he could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll” kinda mans.

Also, yeah, this is Dream’s retirement arc. He is literally just sitting in the corner watching Tommy dote on his younger self and Tubbo before completely pile driving two of the most powerful people on the server straight into the dirt. At some point Tommy sits down with past Punz. He tells this Punz that their Punz died protecting him and Tubbo and that Tommy never got to properly thank their Punz so he’s going to thank this Punz. Tommy then gives Punz an entire stack of Netherite. If we’re gonna go ahead and agree on Phoenix Tommy then Tommy is fire proof, meaning he probably spent a large amount of time in the nether to avoid the egg crew and get rare supplies. Meaning he also probably did a lot of mining just to distract himself and it resulted in him being loaded. Tommy used to have a fear of tnt and explosives but he seems like the type of mad lad to say “exposure therapy” and make a massive cavern in the underbelly of the nether.

I think it would also be really interesting to dedicate like, a couple of chapters to other people’s perspectives. I kind of want to set the time they arrive in the past partway through the Pogtopia arc since I like mildly unhinged but not completely gone Wilbur. Plus then it also makes more sense for Techno to be there. Just prefer the aesthetic really. I want to have Wilbur see this version of Tommy and come to a sudden “oh” moment. I want to have a moment where Tubbo looks between his Tommy and this new Tommy, seeing himself nowhere to be found, and has enough what the fuck moments to become aggressively protective of his own Tommy. Especially if immune!Tommy ever admits to the past Tubbo why he is the way he is, what he faced under the thumb of the people he trusted. Which, out of everyone on the server, Tubbo would be the first one from the past to actively learn. 

I am fully on board with Tommy knowing how to sew. That should just automatically be canon in literally ever AU. Tommy for all intents and purposes is still Phil’s child for me. Survival runs in the family the same way that chaos does, so he’s got a ton of basic survival skills that he just doesn’t show off because it’s still Tommy. He would have been completely fine in exile if it wasn’t for Dream. Whenever someone ruins their clothes in the Immune group they automatically go to Tommy and at first the past versions are very confused (except for past Tommy and Tubbo obviously) and then Tommy’s just “Sapnap this is beyond ruined it can’t be saved, let me make you something new” and within a couple days he makes Sapnap a completely new outfit. Like maybe Sapnap fell into a lava pool because Blaze Sapnap Supremacy and his clothes are beyond saving and everyone is beyond baffled when Tommy just acts like this is a weekly occurrence. He’s memorized Sapnap’s measurements and style tastes and already had a new outfit in the works for him that Sapnap immediately adores upon it being presented to him. It takes about a week for past Eret to learn that Tommy stress sews new clothing and he cannot think of a better model. Eret has never had such a full closet. Eret has everything from three piece suits to ball gowns now. Eret lives in terror of the days where Tommy disappears god knows where with Fundy and the two reappear with a new wardrobe for the entire god damn server. 

Speaking of disappearing I really like the idea of part phoenix and part tanuki Tommy for a couple reasons. Being a Tanuki he’d have access to enough magic to hide his hybrid traits, which if they’ve been present for long enough would be a necessity to him. Additionally think about Fundy and Tommy building a den under Church Prime that slowly turns into a maze. Think about it. It starts off simple and then they both start digging more and it gets deeper and deeper and more complicate and the two just refer to it as their den and the only ones who are fully aware of the connotations of that word are Sam, Sapnap, and Ranboo who remember the absolute hell that was trying to navigate the original. Just Fundy and Tommy bonding over the fact they are literally the only creatures on this server that have this catacomb memorized and at the end of the catacomb is their saferoom which connects to rail way that the two spent a month straight on. It goes at least 25k blocks from spawn and it’s a final emergency resort in case they can’t stop the egg and the Immunes needs to regroup and essentially try again (if they keep bringing their younger selves with them then hopefully they’ll finally get an army large enough to stop this, but everyone really hopes it doesn’t come to that.)

I’m working on the first chapter of my fic right now actually if I’m gonna be honest and phoenix Tommy is absolutely without question canon to it but I’ve still been going back and forth on if I want him to be part tanuki as well or just blessed/favored by one like Teddy Bear mentioned. I’m also tucking away the whole thing about the magma blood for later use. Phoenix Tommy just makes sense. They used to call him Zombie Kid for a reason back on SMP Earth, he just literally does not die ever unless he decides he does.

~Snapdragon & Firefly

[sagetsukimura]

Dropping a Naruto drabble here, completely unedited for anything approaching coherence or clarity, because I doubt I'll ever actually do anything with it. Spelling errors abound, and I have. It been in this fandom in so long pleas forgive mistakes! Head cannons involved include...

Hinata Hyuga did not go quietly

Hinata Hyuga suffered nerve damage from electrical ninjutsu when she was kidnapped

This had lasting effects such as muscle weakness, trembling, numbness, and confusion

Her father does love her but is very, very bad at showing it and forgets that's positive affirmation is important to teaching

Politics are bullshit (how do page breaks?!)

Here's a secret only a dead man knew; Hinata Hyuga did not go quietly.

When they took her, when she realized what was happening, she was not quiet. She screamed. She yelled and threatened and howled until a painful blow sent her spinning into unconsciousness. A capable abductor knows to prepare silencing seals beforehand.

She screeched when she woke the next time, shoved in a corner of a dilapidated shed as her abductor peaked threw the cracks in the wooden walls, hiding from the search. He'd whipped around and hit her so hard she'd lost a tooth. She'd kept screaming.

He didn't hit her after that. It was the lightning instead.

She was uncouncous again when her uncle found them. Her shouts had done little good. When she woke the temors and stutters came with, and always, always, the feeling of a hand over her mouth and burning pain in her bones as someone said, over and over, 'stay QUIET'

She didn't feel safe after that. For a little while it seemed ok, everyone was very patient and kind. But eventually even that ran out. She took to long to recover from the 'scare'. It 'destroyed' her, 'look how frightened she is ot everything, she's trembling like a leaf!'

She shook so often, fumbled kunai with numb fingers, and stuttered, always stuttered. Frustration turned to contempt. Clan elders turned their hard eyes away to focus on her sister. Hinata was too fragile to be of any use, too terrible at speaking to act as any reputable kind of clan figure.

Father remained distant. He did not lighten her load any either. He only told her to try again, to get up. The last time was not good enough, she was to do better come the next. He did not, however, call her pathetic. He did not remove her status as heir. He did not coldly suggest she look into the more civilian directed aspects of clan relations, because surely she would be better suited? She may struggle to hold a kunai steady, but it still feels more right than any pen ever could. The leader of a Shinobi clan must be a Shinobi. In the days where the frustration boils away her patients and exhausted she imagines cutting off a kumo ninjas fingers. She is kind, she is not passive, she did not go quietly-

Some nights, when she was feigning sleep (it never came easily, always light, always watching, waiting, for rough hands and hard strikes) her father would come by late at night, after all his meetings, and stand in the doorway. Once, she swore she heard him half whisper, half pray. 'you are stronger than you think'

Father does not share her medical records. He does not let the elders know about the nerve damage. They will demand her removal, claim her too week. So she is pushed. Possible too far. And often. Her baths are tested with special salts and half her 'therapy' sessions are careful medics attempting to slowly, so slowly, repair her burn out nerves in a more physical way. Eventually, claims that her mental state is too fragile put an end to even that. She is all but on her own, except for the physical therapy her aunt gives her, played off as extra training in flexibility and dexterity.

Her father does not pull her back a year in class. He does not let her sit inside on the days when her nerves decide to quit functioning properly. He does not do a lot of things. Hinata spends most of her free time walking the street of konoha, because he refuses to 'have a recluse as a daughter'.

'you are capable of better' he says, when she cannot best Hanabi in a spar. 'i expect some kind of improvement by next week's session'. It hurts and makes her wish she could curl up and die some days. When she grows she holds the words close. He is not perfect, but he is her father; at the time they felt like judgement. She did not know her father well, he was always away for work, always speaking to important people, while she trailed behind and focused on keeping her legs straight. After the exams she gets to see him outside of training, learns to understand. He believed in her when it felt like no one did. He apologizes for a lot.

Once, when she is 14, he enters the kitchen looking very satied and a little embarrassed, and shows her a book he's been reading. 'on teaching and improvement'. Hed forgotten about positive feedback, he said. Hed forgotten to tell her good job after she did improve, because she had. Because she really was strong, and he hoped that she could forgive him because 'the book says that the lack of positive affirmation can have a negative impact on a student's self-esteem, and-'

She just hugs him tight and revels in the knowledge he did not think her lesser. She also tells him, very kindly, that next time h just needs to do better.

Kurenai-sensei is the one to drag her to Tsunade, when the tingles in her fingers no longer slowly improve as they had been. Thenew therapy her damaged nerves are given changes everything.

She's learned a lot by then. Silence can be loud, and greatness can be quiet. She works hard, and though she is not the genius her cousin is she is capable and strong. She is smart, and she has learned how to breathe again. Her tongue still gets fuzzy, but her fingers are clever, and the near suicidal determination that had dragged her through years of training, drove her too far during that first chunin exam, it bears fruit when she is 15.

She learns many a battle cry, and burns away the memories that might her chest go tight, and decides, as once again invaders enter her home, that she will not go quietly this time either.

Her hands do not shake.

[tamhrayis]

why do u think eren asked what were sasha's last words? had he seen her dying and saying ,,meat" before her death so he wanted to make sure that his vision was true? i cannot really explain that in other way to myself.. what do u think?

Hello! Ooof, Eren’s visions are really what make me confused. But anyways, let me try to answer this one as I understood it.

We still don’t know what exactly Eren saw in his visions. He never really voiced them or told what is going to happen in details.

I think if Eren really saw Sasha’s death, he would try to make them leave Sasha on the island. But what happened has happened. Sasha was killed by Gabi and her last word was “meat”.

At the moment, when she died, Eren couldn’t even say goodbye to her or at least see her corpse. He was all chained up and couldn’t even hear her last words. Here, I think, comes 3 things:

1. Guilt

Eren went to Marley on his own and created a chaos. His friends had to kill many innocent people and endanger themselves. Eren’s actions were very risky and miscalculated. Yes, they kinda won since they could escape and come back home, but because of his actions, Sasha died.

Even both Hange and Levi were annoyed and really displeased with Eren’s plan. It really costed them a lot of things. Even the life of their comrades.

Eren felt terribly guilty. Particularly, it was his fault and he knew it. But at the same time, he couldn’t control nor Sasha’s nor Gabi’s actions. They had their own free will, which leaded to this moment. Eren could have stopped her, but he couldn’t.

On a bigger scale, everyone was responsible for Sasha’s death. It wasn’t only his fault:

Yelena, Jean, Levi, Zeke...All of their small choices somehow led to Sasha’s death. But Eren took the responsibility way too personally and it really broke him.

He wasn’t the only one behind it.

2. Future and choices

Eren can’t affect the events nor control them. People are still free to make choices and act on their own. Sure, maybe he really saw Sasha’s death, but it was up to her and others to make it happen or not.

Fate is flexible. No one can really say that X thing will happen 100%. One thing that we can do is to predict. If Sasha’s death was really in his visions, Eren would tell his friends to make sure that she is safe, but since they didn’t give her an armor or some coverage, it’s safe to say that it was a product of miscalculation. Not fate or vision. It was really an accident. A product of miscalculations.

Aside from this, Sasha was Eren’s close friend. Of course he wanted to hear her last words or at least see her for the last time, but couldn’t.

3. Eren’s expression

Eren’s laugh-cry is a thing that even his friends can’t understand. He couldn’t cry, but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t sad. It’s a fault on his friends’ side. 

Eren wasn’t laughing or testing his visions. In my opinion, he was genuinely upset for the loss, but couldn’t express himself properly.

As I said, Eren wasn’t the only one responsible for Sasha’s death, but counted it as his own fault. We couldn’t see his POV, but I believe that it was similar to what he said in ch.50:

Eren is trying to avoid the risk, but can’t, because others don’t feel the same responsibility and weight of their choices. Eren understands that his actions, words and thoughts are impactful, because in the past he felt how it feels like to make others unintentionally sacrifice themselves, while others didn’t.

They were used to see Eren being the main piece of any plan and put a lot of responsibility on him. But at the same time, they forgot that the success of any plan comes from team work, not only from one’s power.

I am happy that afterwards they finally understood what Eren felt, because they also saw how they can’t put responsibility on others and be serious and cautious.

In conclusion, I believe that it was solely his genuine reaction. Eren wasn’t the only one accountable for Sasha’s death, but people are used to make Eren responsible for everything that happens. He felt terrible and couldn’t express himself. After all, now, Sasha can’t be revived and we have to live with this fact.