#even if op isn't trying to encourage mean comments they definitely are

[marrow-bone]

I mean, this can be true, probably even usually, but I think part of what makes this uncomfortable is saying 'need'. Saying everyone needs to encounter cruelty over their creativity to improve it is kinda... Bleak... And intentional or not seems to be endorsing snide, unasked for criticism.

Unwanted and meanspirited feedback is absolutely not good for the soul in every instance. Not everyone needs some sort of trial by fire by virtue of sharing a project. Many of us are just trying to have fun, which can be easily ruined by this kind of thing. Some of us are dealing with legitimately fucked up shit in our real lives and are dealing with it with creativity, and trying to share what they worked on in good faith. If I shared something I wrote about dealing with chronic illness, abuse, and the death of a family member for free without the indication for criticism and someone operating under this attitude (seen as acceptable to them, because they saw it being seen as acceptable in the culture) comes and bullies me, then I'm either not sharing my work or writing again, which won't make me a better writer.

I think the main point is good. That the positive of mean comments can be improvement. But no way should it be implied that it is acceptable or even beneficial to make these comments, and it shouldn't be seen as acceptable to tolerate this kind of treatment of oneself or of others.

I'd miles and away prefer to see more spontaneous creativity, then see way less but it's only by people deemed fit enough to 'take it'.

my toxic opinion is that to be a good writer you need some really really mean feedback. if its right then it makes you better if its wrong then you're forced to defend yourself which in turn helps you understand your own work better and realise what it's setting out to do

[cotton-candy-in-a-thong]

Noncon stories, Fantasy vs. Reality, and more. fucking. issues.

Recently, I’ve been hit with some drama as to why I’m a “bad person” by various, anonymous users in this fandom. I thought I’d try to address the claim, address my stance on fics that involve noncon, and what I think about the “Tumblr mentality” after everything I’ve seen of this place. I should also note that I’m going to use the specific words and phrases I’ve been forced to constantly repeat as explaining my stance has been very difficult for me, as I’m a person who’s apparently challenging to understand.

This is going to be a long post, with subjects that's obviously going to trigger people so here's a warning right now..

That being said, I’m going to dive into this with some shit I’ve definitely said before:

“Consensual Noncon” Kink

The Appeal of this Theme in Fanfiction:

I don't think calling fics that involve noncon "rape fics" and those who enjoy it "getting off to rape" is a very good way to put it. Many engaging and well done media pieces often involve some very dark themes. Again, Monster by Meg and Dia is a song that features the main character sexually abusing a girl he met. You COULD call this a "rape song", but acting as if the rape is the only thing that matters in this story would be pretty..naive. The story has to do with an emotionally, and physically neglected/abused boy, who grows up and becomes an attention/love starved monster who's SO starving for validation, that he believes forcing himself upon a girl he knew would "prove" to himself that he's capable of being touched and loved. Of course, the main character eventually realizes that rape is not love, that what he did was wrong, and later kills himself in his own bathtub with kerosene and a match.

However, the assault aspect of this song is still a meaningful and alluring part because it talks about how emotional and physical abuse can warp someone's perspective on reality, to the point where they think forcing someone to "stay" with them is how to create a healthy relationship. That's the same energy I have for noncon fics, especially in the slasher fandom. Many slasher fics that contain noncon often have to do with the slasher preying on the reader because of their own fucked up mind. It's intriguing because, let's be honest, pretty much none of the slashers are in a pretty good mental space lmao. Thus, noncon actually falls more in line with how slashers would go about what they believe is a "good relationship" more often than quite a bit of fans here seem to believe. Again, Michael got boners, Jason chained someone up, Fredddy smooches people against their will, Billy Lenz is a sex offender, Chromeskull makes snuff, yada yada yada, you know the drill. That being said, it's interesting to see noncon being expressed with these characters because it gives us a new perspective on how fucked up they'd likely be if the world of sex and relationships was introduced to these characters.

Now why would some people become sexually aroused by the events of the story? First of all, how does “Consensual Noncon” kink work?

u/Jumbledcode. (2015). ‘Can anyone comment on why people (someone like me) enjoy rape/non-con story lines?’. r/TwoXChromosomes.

“I'd suggest that there are several factors that make up the appeal of non-con fantasies.

Guilt/Self-image: For many people, their sexual/relationship desires don't necessarily match their image of themselves, or alternatively they feel guilt over others' perceptions of those desires. Rape fantasies allow them to mantain some illusion of denial over their desires while still indulging in the idea of them.

Responsibility/Laziness: The appeal of abdicating control isn't limited to avoiding guilt; it's very tempting to want a scenario where you have no responsibility for maintaining your lifestyle/happiness. Similarly to before, it's the appeal of being given what you secretly want without even having to choose it.

Transgressiveness: A rape scenario has overtones of danger and taboo-breaking. These can easily be exciting and can therefore be a turn-on.

Desire: Being wanted is often a huge turn-on, and the idea of someone desiring you enough to break laws and disregard everything to have you plays into this feeling.

To me, it seems that most people who fantasize about being the subject of rape do so due to some mix of these motivations I've mentioned. Of course, there are also those who have experiences which have taught them to associate non-consent with their sexuality, but that's a separate issue”.

What if the Fanfic Only Involves the Act though? Wouldn’t it Encourage Actual Rape?

Let’s differentiate fantasy and reality. Towards those with the noncon kink: it offers arousal because of the ideas listed above (the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). Rape is the use of sex to remove control over the victim’s mind and body. The readers DO have control over whether or not they get to “encounter” (the choice to even read) this fantasy, so right away consent is present in reality, and no actual rape is being done.

Now does this mean that the kinkers are getting off on the idea of rape? Not really.

The thing with self-inserts is that it allows you to be connected to the story. That way, even if the story has you bruised up and begging for mercy, a part of you-you (if you’re a kinker) wants to keep reading it as you find it exciting. That way, as you and story-you are connected, what you really want in such a fantasy is for it to keep going despite the brutish, possessive, however yet desired nature of the character you’re dreaming about dealing with. (repeat: the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). That being said, it’s still entirely possible for kinkers to have their personal space and wishes crossed, and ultimately assaulted. Us enjoying the fantasy of such a reverie sexual encounter does not spell out to real life because (in reality) we’re not horny all the time, we would still like our bodies to be respected when we find it necessary, and we still have feelings as we’re still human.

“Fantasy (including video games) leads to violence” fallacy.

It would be like assuming that shooters in games like GTA fantacise about murder, encourage it, and would do it in real life. Taking fabricated anger out on virtual bodies or NPCs is quite different from the weight of murder (the killing of another human being). One can play video games with lots of violence towards such fabricated characters, while discouraging violence towards human beings. The act of using a game controller to beat up Donkey Kong in Smash, to shoot Nazi zombies in a Black Ops game, or to kill a Geisha in Little Nightmares is incredibly, and immensely different from completely eradicating the life of a person on Earth, and to assume that everyone who plays violent video games would spill out to violence in reality would be to participate in a ridiculous fallacy. Yes, there are outliers who are feeble minded enough to let their fantasies influence their actions towards actual people, but I must repeat that there are also people who utilize these fantasies for their personal satisfaction, while understanding the weight of the real world around them (and choosing not to act so detrimentally). Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair as it would be unnecessary to blatantly say that all fantasies are horrible and should be entirely eradicated if there ARE many people who ARE aware enough to understand that some thoughts are better off staying in fiction.

Now is the time to address what’s been said:

...Firstly, I think it’s very disgusting that random users, on Tumblr of all places, are trying to manipuate random victims of sexual assault into hating something or someone just because these users FEEL like “it’s the right thing to do”.. People, victims of sexual assault aren’t your fucking dogs. They’re not carriage horses, they’re not your work mules, they’re not your guns and swords...they’re just people who normally wanna be left the fuck alone like everyone else. Plus, there ARE people who have experienced sexual assault who take joy in reading such dark storylines. What would these users have to say to them? That they’re not “real” victims? That what they’ve experienced “never happened”? That they’re “just like” their own perpetrators for using the consensual nonconsent to miraculously help them overcome their trauma? Should they really abandon their coping mechanism just because there are other victims who cope in different ways?

..If you seriously believe that all people who have gone through a traumatic event are gonna cope in the exact same fucking way, you literally don’t even know enough about PTSD to even be making a bold statement about cope.

This is the part where I finally realized that people, and especially those on Tumblr, don’t actually care about rape victims as much as they may claim. Many users on here, on this platform and in this fandom, don’t truly give a flying monkey shit about rape victims as people, nor what they have to say about the subject. Rape victims..on this place..seem to be used mainly as a means of figurative weaponry for a group’s subjective morality.

I find the similarity close to radical feminism. Radical feminists often believe that women, from near and far, have to do everything in their power to “destroy” the patriarchy. This would mean disobeying the societal expectation of women, even if there are some women who take joyment in engaging in some societal standards for their personal liking. An example would be sex work. Radical feminists acknowledge the flaws in performing sex work, but believe that NO woman should EVER partake even if the woman wants to do it out of her own free will. In demonizing and ostracizing any woman who doesn’t fall into the radical feminist agenda, radical feminists actually contradict their purpose to “let women be free”. At this point, you realize that radical feminists often don’t actually give a fuck about what any woman wants for herself. Instead, radical feminists want to utilize any woman they can find just to flip off men as a group.

In Tumblr users trying to “stand up” for rape victims for their personal “holier-than-thou” ego, they fail to care enough about the very people they defend to understand the dynamics of some of their coping mechanisms, thus begin to bully some members of the group they claim to protect because of the very narcissism, misunderstanding, and controlling nature going on behind their own “activism”. So now that some users have found something to hate, in this case being noncon stories, they attempt to manipulate victims of rape into ostraciszing and demonizing fantasies and other victims of rape just because the “activists” themsleves don’t like it. Even trying to argue that rape victims have a “duty” to agree with everything these “activists” try to do for them.

Sounds awfully familiar to the attitude democrats have towards any minority when it’s time to vote. “I care about you...but you have to agree with everything I say and believe because I want what I think is best for you. If you disagree with me, you’re ungrateful and a traitor”.

Now...a little about myself.

I’m not sure of everyone else who’s into the noncon type of story, but I use it to get away from my past. In noncon stories, I want to read what happens in the chapters. I want to imagine them for morbid curiosity and arousal I feel at the time being. In reality, my attackers didn’t care when I wasn’t in the mood, and never gave me a choice. In noncon stories, I get to choose the character I want to encounter in the fantasy and NOT have it picked FOR me. In real life, I didn’t get to choose who did some things to me. In noncon stories, I get to stop reading them and do something else whenever I’m not feeling it anymore. In reality? My attackers kept going because, in the situation, it was no longer up to me. After noncon stories, my body doesn’t walk away with bruises, bite marks, and physical reminders every time I take my clothes off or try to masturbate. In real life...that shit can mark you, disease you, and then traumatize you. With the stories, I get to delete my search history, join another fandom, and act like nothing ever happened. For reality? Your own body is a reminder of what happened because it was real. In reality, I’m NEVER gonna fucking forget what happened. I’ll be lucky if my own mind and body doesn’t haunt me for at least one day..

So seeing that someone, and probably multiple people not only tried to use victims of sexual assault for their own “go get em” dogs, but to try and phrase me as someone who loves and encourages such an assault on human beings? After the things I felt? After the things I tasted? After pathetically searching for the support of relatives, just to get shut down with “you’re lying”?..

...All the times I've been held down..threatened..clothes getting snagged off..parts being opened and touched after I've fought to just get the fuck away from certain people...

According to this anon..."she likes rape".

...I guess I just fucking LOVED EVERYTHING THEN.

You know...all my life I’ve been misunderstood by many people. It’s honestly really disappointing that even now when I’m better at explaining myself than ever, I’m STILL being phrased as a “psychopath” by random people who haven’t even taken the time to even know me. Not even from a minute-long conversation through a damn computer screen. And you wanna know the funny thing? I’m probably being laughed at as this is being read. Some of these users, these internet stalkers, are probably giggling, smiling, and saying “Haha YES we GOT the bitch!! Cry you piece of shit SLUT!!”. So maybe explaining my past experiences to help everyone understand why some people may use noncon stories to their fantasy advantage is gonna land me messages going: “You haven’t been raped you lying bitch”, “Maybe you should get raped again”, “You definitely enjoyed it”, and the overused, yet strong “Kill yourself”.

So how am I gonna end this message? With me saying that many of you, who THINK you’re doing the right thing by justifying harassment and trying to manipulate others into joining your little crusade to bully people away from the fandom (over extremely mundane fucking things)...aren’t really good people. At best, in this case...you’re fucking stupid. You will never truly speak for any of the marginalized groups you claim to know like the back of your hand. Simply, you will never. be. a hero.

If by chance, by an astrological chance..that any random user wants to come up and apologize out of the blue for talking such shit and for saying such things..I don't even wanna hear it...just get the fuck out of my face..

[queer-merm]

Sometimes, rarely, Reddit is good

(Text under cut)

OOP wants to know how to help her trans friend

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/SeaJudge in r/MtF

trigger warnings:

mood spoilers:

How do I help my trans friend? - 2024/02/04

I am a cis woman and I made a new friend at uni. We are not very tight, but as two people who are both part of the LGBT+ community in a pretty conservative and religious city (basically: our uni course is full of cisheteronormative people) we kind of tend to stick together.

This is kind of a hard topic so I hope I can get some help from you about how to be a good ally. Basically I noticed that my friend doesn't go to the bathroom, ever. And she doesn't drink water. Sometimes our first class is at 8am and our last one ends at 6pm and she's fidgety by the end of it. I feel weird bringing it up because I don't even know if maybe this is not related to being trans at all, like maybe she's squeamish about public bathrooms (which are kinda gross in our uni) or maybe I am misinterpreting the fidgeting. At the same time, knowing how using public bathrooms can be a scary experience for trans women, I third guess myself and think that maybe I'm being naive thinking that maybe she's just squeamish. But then I fourth guess myself and really don't want to assume!

As I said, we are not that tight yet so I feel weird asking her. Also, even if she confirmed that she is uncomfortable for the reasons that I think she is uncomfortable, I couldn't really do anything about it (if there's anything I can do, I don't know what it is - so what good could that conversation do even if I wasn't too awkward to initiate it?).

So I don't know, I just feel weird and useless and sorry about the whole thing.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated!

Relevant Comments:

This can be a difficult topic to discuss but if she isn't going for 8 hours then chances are good that it is trans related. Early in my transition one of my friends just assumed that that I'd started using the female washroom. One time we were out at a restaurant that they had been to many times before. I asked them where the washrooms were and they directed me to the womens.

Depending on your friendship and social interaction just treat her like you would a cis friend. If you would go to the washroom with a cis friend, then do the same with her. If you would complain about how disgusting they are, do the same. Having someone around as an ally helps a lot.

Thank you for your answer! I am definitely trying to treat her like I would a cis friend, no reason not to. I did complain about the bathrooms being disgusting but she didn't say anything. I don't know, I just wish I could do something to make her more comfortable :(

I know at my trans support group people encouraged me to just use the women's restroom but I haven't worked up the courage yet. Honestly it can be a little painful when you don't pass because you feel like someone might yell at you for going into either toilet. I think most people don't really care but it doesn't change that emotional response and the media's portrayal of trans people 'infiltrating bathrooms' doesn't help either. I'd say just keep supporting your friend as best you can, it's probably an awkward subject to bring up but if worst comes to worst and she has a bad experience with abuse trying to use the correct bathroom I know a few trans people who use the disabled toilet, although personally I don't think we should be forced into that situation.

Thank you for your answer and sharing your experience. Just for context, we are in a poor area of a European country. Uni is public and free, which is great, but it also means unfortunately the buildings are run down and we have to make do. No disabled toilet :/

Update on accompanying friend to the bathroom - 2024/02/05 (1 day later)

I wanted to thank you for the answers to my original post.

So today we saw each other at uni, and I had every good intention to just offer support and to back her up in the bathroom casually like you ladies suggested, but because I am a mess and social anxiety always runs its course, when I saw her this morning something compelled me to blurt out the whole truth (I've noticed you doing x, so asked a bunch of people on the Internet and they told me to tell you yz). I was very awkward throughout it and she laughed at me (not in an unkind way - I'm glad at least she found the situation funny! LMAO).

In the end she told me that you were right and she was indeed not going for fear of getting harassed. She told me that she's actually taking some meds that make her need to go more and that she was considering skipping the last couple of classes on our late days.

We ended up going for a couple of toilet breaks together, and no one got harassed. All good. Thank you for your service!

Cis disaster lesbian crushing hard on trans girl, just venting - 2024/02/14 (9 days later)

I have posted here before about my friend from uni and because you gave me good advice last time and my cis friends are useless, here I am again.

Okay so... ever since the bathroom discussion, my friend and I got closer. It hasn't been long, but we ended up spending the whole of last week together at uni, and going for a hike on Saturday. Sunday we texted all day long.

I saw her again on Monday, yesterday, and today... and I'm going to see her tomorrow, and Friday, and we may or may not have another daytrip planned for the weekend, and I think it's time to admit to myself that I'm crushing on her. Hard.

Like, I thought she was cute and smart since the moment I met her, but I think the bathroom discussion was kind of a turning point for our friendship and she started being so much more open toward me and showing me more of her personality. So not only she is cute and smart, which I already got from looking at her and talking about our modules, now I now that she's funny af and pretty deep and warm person and... oof. I'm in trouble LMAO.

Turns out she's also not straight. But here is the issue: she only dates trans girls (or rather, she has dated one so far, but wants to keep exclusively dating others).

So yeah. I talked to a couple of cis friends about this but I feel they don't get it, they're kind of encouraging me not to give up on the idea and see where it goes because it's only been a couple of weeks and it's like too soon and if she likes women then why wouldn't she like me blabla (overprotective friends LMAO).

But the way I see it, if she said she only dates trans women then I should just get it out of my head and try to just see her as a friend. Stop the weekend daytrips and the endless texting until I can get a grip. Like, put a stop to this out of self interest so that I don't end up being so smitten and getting my heart broken. Right???

But at the same time I just want to talk to her or about her all time and I have no idea how I am supposed to stop like this has never worked before LMAO

Oh god I'm a disaster ughhhhhh

Relevant Comments:

A lot of trans lesbians say they don't want to date cis women because they feel like it would make them more dysphoric. Like, it's easy to compare yourself to your partner in a gay relationship.

That being said, you obviously see her as a woman, full stop. She probably feels extremely validated by your closeness and it sounds like the two of you are getting close. She may only wanna date trans women cause she's never been validated like that by a cis one before.

I can't speak for her but as a trans woman myself I think the distinction between AMAB and AFAB is kinda worthless and inherently transphobic. We all carry around a lot of trauma that changes things, but love has a special way of winning in the end. If your mutual feelings continue to blossom I'm positive the distinction won't matter that much. Just remember to take things slow. She needs time before the Uhaul.

Thank you sm for this!

You know, I considered the idea that maybe the idea of dating cis girls could make her dysphoric, but then I second guessed myself because I think in this case maybe it doesn't apply too much? Because between me and her, she is definitely the girly girl. I have long hair but that's about it, while she is more feminine in the way she dresses and carries herself and stuff. So one thought I entertained is that maybe she likes other very feminine trans girls? Idk, I know I should just wait until I get to know her better and the answers to these questions will probably come up on their own, but I'm crushing hard and can't really help speculating :( thank you for listening to me!

Your Uhaul comment made me laugh but also you're obviously very right

Lots of trans people are T4T exclusive to protect themselves, but that's not to say exceptions can't be made in some cases. (Editor's note: T4T = trans for trans, referring to trans people who date other trans people)

You're worried about getting shot down, getting your heart broken. Equally you're worried that maybe you do have a chance, that if you give up before you ever tried you'll never know if anything could have been. That's a tough dissonance to exist in.

My advice is to just be honest, shoot your shot, tear the bandage off, and be prepared to take a no for a no. Rejection hurts, but clarity is valuable too. To me, the likely scenario is even if you get rejected, you'll at least not be tearing yourself up about "what ifs" and "maybes". Make it clear that your friendship is more important, make it clear you can be cool with rejection, and just set things straight.

If/once you're rejected, be clear in your boundaries too. Like yeah, it's hard to be doing day trips and texting all the time if you've got an unrequited crush. Asking for a break or a little distance while you sort yourself out isn't a bad thing, but pushing away without being open to her so she know's why is only going to hurt her feelings unnecessarily.

I guess my whole point is, rejection can be a good thing if it's handled maturely. Open communication is important for every relationship, romantic or platonic. It's better to know what page everyone is on, even if it's not the same page for everyone.

This is reasonable, like omg, so reasonable. I worry that it's too soon to talk about it though. Like I could make her uncomfortable and-or scare her off by being too intense too soon? :(

"Hey, I wanted to talk about something. Lately I've been realizing I have a huge crush on you. I know you've mentioned that you really only date trans women, but I needed to ask anyway because otherwise I was going to get too far into my own head about it and I didn't want you to think that me acting weird had anything to do with something you'd done (other than being really smart and funny and cute). It's way more important to me to be open with you and keep you as a friend, but if I'm being honest, I'd love if we could be more."

Something like that, obvs write it in your own voice. Sometimes that kind of openness can be scary to people she might want to take some distance to work out her own feelings much like you wanted to pull back some to sort yourself out. Sometimes that isn't communicated well, and it can feel like the other person is running away forever; but you'd be modeling easy honesty here, and I doubt the distance would last for long. You'd have done nothing wrong, and so long as you remain a safe person to return to, without expectations beyond what has been communicated to you, I feel pretty confident that even the worst case scenario would be temporary, and your friendship will be stronger for it.

Damn it you make it sound easy and right :( I have to get my head out of my ass and find the courage to do it. But then again there's a part of me that thinks it's certain rejection so I am really resisting it. I would want her to understand that even if she rejects me I am not going to act entitled or mad about it. Like I would still want her to count on me to have her back when we're at uni, for toilet breaks and stuff, for example. I don't know if I trust my own ability to convey all this in a reasonable way face to face ugh. Thank you sm

Cis lesbian with a crush, got some encouraging signals and am going to talk to her on Sunday - 2024/02/16 (2 days later)

First of all thanks everyone for supporting me through my disaster lesbianism, you seriously gave me so much hope and helped me get my head out of my ass. Lots of people were asking for updates and I really REALLY REALLY can't shut up about this (thank god she doesn't really speak english) so there you have it:

We saw each other yesterday and today after my latest post and UGGGGHHHHH it's getting worse to the point that my heartbeat is increasing just writing about it.

So a few days ago she said she likes chocolate milk because it reminds her of when she was little. I remembered yesterday morning that on the 2nd floor of our uni there's a vending machine that has it so I got it and gave it to her before our first class. She acted kinda weirded out or surprised at first but took the box, took a sip and said it was sweet ;_; not sure if she meant the gesture or the chocolate milk but she kept it next to her laptop throughout our first class and she would sip from the straw occasionally and smile at me whenever I sneaked a glance (dead. I'm dead)

So this morning I got it for her again (plus cookies) and when she was done with it she looked at me all cheeky and asked if I wanted to keep the straw as a souvenir??? I'M LIKE GIRL are you making fun of me or flirting or both??? Made me weak in the knees but anyway I decided to stick by my disastrousness and so I took the little straw from her, straightened it and put it in my pencil case. That made her laugh. I might be a disaster but at least I'm not afraid of admitting it LMAO She on the other hand, this is an example of how sassy she can be. We talked a lot about insecurities on the other thread but this is a perfect example of her acting so confident that I find it hard to believe sometimes she might have insecurities at all. Ofc I know that's impossible, I've seen it first hand with the bathroom thing for example, but still the aura she gives off kinda makes me want to take her at face value?

Anyway. Now on to the bit that truly killed me. Earlier we were having lunch between classes in a park nearby with 2 gay guys, friends from my previous module that I introduced her to. We finished eating and were just hanging out on the grass for a while, the sun was out and I was talking to the other ones about uni stuff that didn't really concern her, and I guess she got a little tired or bored because she was stretching and yawning and stuff. I caught her eyes mid-yawn and before I could really think about what I was doing, I instinctively patted my thigh, like a "come here" AND BEFORE I COULD EVEN CRINGE AT MYSELF OR PROCESS HER HEAD WAS IN MY LAP.

I tried to act super casual and just continue the conversation but let me tell you I have no idea what was said. I started playing with her hair, she was facing away from me, and I could only sneak the occasional glance but I think SHE FELL ASLEEP FOR A BIT OR SOMETHING like omg ugggghhhhh it felt likd someone was punching me in the chest, like okay my crush is napping on my lap like WHAT?!?!! kill me now

after a while we had to go, the guys were getting up and gathering their things so i sort of stroked her cheek to let her know and she turned on her back and opened her eyes and i smiled at her and she smiled at me like UGGGGHHHH this is not friendly behavior right??? i am freaking out!!!

BUT. there's a but. like many of you suggested, I tried to ask her why she only wants to date trans women, "out of curiosity". the answer was... eh. she was firm about it and didn't really backtrack on the exclusivity. like, that could have been a good occasion for her to specify that exceptions can be made, but she didn't. she gave a very brief answer and kind of evasive tho. she shrug and said she just prefers it that way, and that she used to date cis girls before her transition and didn't like it. then she changed the topic IMMEDIATELY and i didn't push it.

so yeah, the signals are still somewhat... mixed?? at this point though the positive signals are a bit too strong EVEN FOR ME to ignore (... right??) so I decided to follow your advice and talk to her on sunday. we're going on another day trip and I want to just wait until the end of the day and then tell her in the car when I take her home, so that if things go horribly wrong we can both retreat. I am going to try to be chill about it and make it clear that my priority is her comfort and that our friendship is important no matter what ;_; but omg this is nervewracking.

this is the right choice... right??? I am dying over here :(

Relevant Comments:

Going off my past experience, and this is just me, but I think she likes you, but just doesn’t think you like her, and is trying to protect herself from being hurt and that is why she said what she said about the dating and changed the subject. It reminds me of a situation where I was very overly intimate with someone and just completely convinced myself that it wasn’t reciprocated and it was much later that i found out it actually was.

This is a complete and total assumption, but to me, laying on a lap, the straw thing, that’s very much crush behavior, i think she just thinks of you the same way you think of her. That’s how this reads to me. I think your plan is good, and she may say no, and that’s okay, i just think you gotta make sure you don’t disappear on this girl if she does reject because i think being at Uni and having a close queer friend is probably really important to her. It would be to me.

Good luck, i am pulling for you so, so much. No matter what, have an amazing day Sunday <3

Thank you so much for your answer and support! It's so hard for me to believe she doesn't think I like her because I feel so naked around her. Like I giggle and blush constantly... but maybe she's as much of a disaster lesbian as I am?

But yeah, when I talk to her I am going to try and make it 100% clear that I'm still there for her at uni in the same way that I've been so far. I hope she feels she can reject me without doubting that ;_;

SHE SAID MAYBE - 2024/02/18 (2 days later)

Lots of people were invested in the situation so here's the news

Ladies I am so happy I could cry. I told her in the car back from our daytrip. We were just sitting there outside of her building and talked for like an hour. I told her that I have feelings for her and why. I also told her that I understood her heads up about only dating trans girls and I wouldn't be weird about it if she said no, that the friendship is more important but I just had to be honest about my feelings. I was shaking throughout this, it was so hard to keep both my hands and voice steady and I think I failed miserably.

She was quiet for a bit and then she told me she already imagined what I was going to say but didn't want to bet on it. She said "I like you too" (hfhzgsjchwbdubwfhkabdhsjaja) and then she asked me if we can just keep getting to know each other the way we have been doing so far and take it slow. I obviously said YES ofc.

After this I asked her "what about you only dating trans girls?" and from then on we talked about a lot of other stuff that was also covered with you in previous threads and ofc many of you were right on all fronts about why she said that. You were spot on that she finds cis women scary and never really knows how safe we are going to be, which is why she was more comfortable with the idea of dating another trans girl. She told me about some experiences of transphobia that I was sort of ready and prepared to hear about, thanks to my previous conversations with you all, but the conversation helped a lot to demistify her in particular for me.

And then... when it was time for her to get out of the car, she leaned over to kiss my cheeks (normal in my country when saying hi and bye) and I just held her tight for a moment and our cheeks were pressed together and then I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED BUt WE KINDA KISSE D ON THE LIPS ;_; it lasted for half a second and now I AM DEAD

So yeah we are not 100% dating but we are also not NOT dating??? and I think if I keep playing my cards right and just try to be decent there is a chance that we will be dating for real soon enough ;_; I was psychologically prepared for rejection so this is making me just so happy. I am trying not to put any pressure on her but I am just over the moon and can hardly think of anything else. Now that I know that she does like me back in the span of an hour it's suddenly become so hard to keep myself in check LMAO.

I want to text her that she made me so happy today and that knowing her is the best thing of my academic year lol. Or that she's precious to me. I don't want to crowd her though. Too much? ;_;

Things went downhill, advice needed again :( - 2024/02/21 (3 days later)

In the end I did text her on Sunday night after our chat in the car and the almost-kiss. She replied with 3 heart emojis... and then didn't show up at uni on Monday, nor yesterday, nor today.

I texted her Monday asking if she was okay, no reply. On Tuesday I sent her my notes from our classes that she missed, I was watching our Whatsapp chat after I sent the file and she was typing and typing for a long time, maybe 10-15 minutes. In the end I got a "thanks for the notes".

Today she also wasn't at uni. I texted again sharing more notes and telling her that she can talk to me about anything. She texted back "I don't think you know what you're doing", which I only saw because I was staring at the conversation because she deleted it two seconds later. I still texted back asking "what did you mean?", no reply. So I impulsively texted "I miss you, come back tomorrow", no reply.

At this point I am thinking that I might have badly messed up last Sunday. At first I thought maybe she was sick or something but now I think she's mad or uncomfortable with me and I feel awful because this was a hell of a crash from a hell of a high, also I feel guilty that she's missing class because of stupid romantic stuff.

I am sorry if I am not making much sense but my stomach dropped when I didn't see her on Monday and I have been feeling a big sense of dread ever since. I have no idea where to take it from here, how to behave or what to think. I feel awful and I feel even more awful if I consider the idea that she might be feeling bad rn.

I also feel bad coming here again but at this point idk I trust you about this more than my friends :(

Any feedback or advice appreciated, once again :(

Relevant Comments:

Instinct having read most of the other posts:

She's caught feels too, she feels unworthy and she's panicking.

I can kinda put myself in her shoes and the thought of dating another woman raises so many whatifs and doubts.

Of all the things you could text her, I think "trust me" might work.

As an angsty queer myself I kind of had an idea that some trauma stuff is what's going on right now. I think I will leave her be for a bit, just sending her the notes as silent support, and then next week, if nothing changes, I'll gamble on a more honest text from the heart along the lines of what you're suggesting. Thank you so much for your answer, this is helpful.

She said maybe again <3 - 02/28/2024 (1 week later)

I wanted to give you a little update because this community has been incredibly supportive.

So after one of the bleakest weeks of my life, she finally came back to uni on Monday. It was super awkward at first, after a week of her not talking to me... then after a few classes, I told her very neutrally that I was going to the ladies' and if she wanted to come (the hidden message was: you can still count on me even if things between us went to shit). We somehow ended up having the longest tensest hug outside the ladies' LMAO and I broke down crying, couldn't help it despite trying to keep my cool and not do anything that could make her feel pressured.

She said let's talk after class and we did at the end of the uni day. Were both tired but sat down on the staircase to the entrance of my uni for almost 2 hrs and talked and talked and talked. Once again, many of you were totally right about her motives. She was freaking out and I had to offer a fair bit of reassurance. She also asked me a lot of questions that I really didn't know the answers to, so I don't know if my reassurance really worked there, but like she was very interested in the general topic of my sexuality and sexual orientation. I could only keep repeating that I know I am a lesbian and I have never really thought about that more in depth. To me she's a woman and there's that. I am only attracted to women, always have been. I got the impression from those questions that she sees herself as a woman less than how I see her as one. Thinking about it later, at home, I also got the impression that she didn't have the courage to ask me her real question about my sexuality? Like, I'm suspecting that what she truly wanted to know is my thoughts about her genitals? I might be wrong but idk, I'm thinking of maybe taking a risk and texting her about it of my own volition, to put her mind at ease. It's scary but at this point, after our conversation, I know she's so much more insecure than I imagined at first and so much more insecure than she lets on, so maybe explicit reassurance on the stuff that could be scary for her to bring up could help us. As always, any advice appreciated.

Anyway - after the conversation, we're back on track. We're still texting after uni hours, although less intensely than before she disappeared on me. We're doing another excursion on Friday, except this time it's an afternoon/evening activity and we're calling it a date <3 We made fun of each other for our almost kiss a couple of weeks ago, I texted her that I would like to kiss her for real one of these days. It's a miracle I am still alive given how hard my heart was beating after I sent that text and while waiting for an answer. But she texted back "I would like that too".

Back to hard hard hard swooning ;_;

We kissed ;_; - 2024/03/01 (2 days later)

DBHDHAHDHABDHDHDBDNJSNDHSHXHSHZBSHDHDKHXJSBDHA LADIES OUR DATE WAS AMAZING AND SHE WAS SO PRETTY AND COOL AND IT ENDED IN THE BEST OF WAYS ;_;

Trying not to go too crazy but omg I havent been down this bad for anyone since 2018. I feel euphoric and so so so lucky and a lot of it is because of this community and all the support and insight I got from it.

We talked so much tonight and I told her about me coming here to ask for advice all along (I had mentioned this sub to her ages ago already when I told her I came here to ask about the bathroom thing) and she said she wants to try harder to get fluent in English so she can read what you write! I told her I'll translate anytime and she said to say hi LMAO.

I'm so happy and a little tipsy ;_; Damn it I am crushing so hard I almost want to use a different word for it. It feels like my heart is about to explode

(Last comment reads; Two days after that last post, OP is posting in the lush subreddit for gifts ideas for the girl she’s dating heart emoji)