#even if i look like i am certifiably insane

[autumnshowell]

She's not stupid - sometimes she feels like people want to think she is, and even sometimes she buys a bit too hard into her own self-deprecation, but she's spent hours of time over the past six months or more staring at bite marks in the mirror, hiding them from friends and family, and wondering what they were from. Hours out of every day spent rationalizing them away as bruises, of suspecting something - gaps in her memory, memories that don't mesh with others. Of looking at every new face twice, of questioning everybody around her, wondering if she's going insane, knowing she's going insane because what the fuck do you mean, Autumn, that you think you're being haunted by a fucking Vampire?

She's thinking about how she's stopped going to see her therapist because she doesn't know how to convey her fears about this without sounding certifiable. Her eyes search over Aria in the shower, for a really long time; they're both clean, but are they? Will they really ever be? Autumn feels nails digging into her palms and just how stupid she feels versus how vile it is that this is something she's only earning honesty for now. Those nails are digging in, shaking in a fist that she's keeping tucked under her arm, because the waters off and she's getting cold and there's a part of her that wants to scream and shout. The anger snaps her out of this half-catatonia she's been dancing around - suddenly its all questions - she wonders how vampires work - can Aria hear her heart the way Autumn feels it in her ears? She wants to strike out at her, to push her away and run away, but to where? Home? Her empty apartment? Her mother? She doesn't actually want that - Aria's been drinking her blood and making her forget and still she can't stop thinking about how she wants Aria, and Aria is a... this.

Autumn's eyes screw shut and she stands there while the world moves around her - paralyzed by inaction because action is terrifying. There's another sob, an ugly, goofy sounding thing that transforms into a laugh and then back into a sob. Her eyes search to the side, to find Aria from under the towel. "I'm not gonna ask you to tell me why you didn't tell me." She turns to Aria, steps out of the shower, and the towel half-slides off because dignity right now is an afterthought. "I feel insane that this fucking makes sense to me, I feel even more insane that I'm less terrified than I am angry and I feel even fucking crazier that I'm less angry than I am ..." She brings her hands up, fingers curled and shaking, like she's trying to form a word out of imaginary clay, face bunching up in frustration. "I don't know, I feel, what , do I fucking just throw us away because... this is a fucking thing apparently? Act like... what, that I'm afraid of you? Is it fucked up I'm not? I can't even convince myself to be mad at you". Maybe that's part of it - maybe the same reason she doesn't ever remember Aria's teeth in her neck or her shoulder. Her face stones out and she stares down at her feet, at her hands. Pieces of her Aria just scrubbed free of filth and bloody grime. Is she supposed to be terrified of that? Is she broken if she isn't? Bloody fucking rain in a night club, fingers grabbing at her, eyes on her like meat - terror, she'll be thinking about it for who knows how long - but not the way she thinks about Aria.

Autumn's fingertips explore her face, and she can't help the little incredulous laugh as she pulls up her lip to get a better look at one of the fangs. But then she jerks back almost immediately. The first question on her lips isn't really a question at all, but Aria nods all the same.

Her eyes follow the movement, to the spots where she'd bitten Autumn before - the bookstore, the bowling alley. The mark on the meat of her hand is gone, which is a relief. Swallowing, she bites into her lower lip.

"Since - a few months before we met.." She chews on her lip some more. "January. I was turned in January." Wintry, cold on the beach and an alley way later - and here she is, wondering why she couldn't be taken under someone's wing and not left to fend on her own.

Regret is plastered all over her face as she looks down at the scars. "I know this is -- I know it's a lot. I wanted to take you there to tell you about me, show you the world, but I didn't - I didn't think -" She shakes her eyes, tears pricking at the corners of them, as the water beats down around them.

The blood is practically gone down the drain now and her pathetic tears make her realize they shouldn't be having most of this conversation in the shower.

She goes through the motions - turns the shower off, grabs one of the towels and wraps it around Autumn first before grabbing her own. "I'm so sorry."

[aerodaltonimperial]

Best thing about having such a massive backlist of fics from a year and a half of Being Mentally Ill™️ is when somebody stumbles onto the pairing, apparently is intrigued, and goes on a bender through my catalogue, because those kudos emails are always a DELIGHT. I open them up and it's like OH. Wow. Hi. Did you enjoy your day yesterday because it appears that you did. 🤣💚🥰 Very lovely every time.

[techutones]

I'm actually really tired of people thinking the only "acceptable" ftm people are white, skinny, androgynous with big hair. For many many years I've seen the only trans people accepted in this community by the community itself and outsiders only accept these people. People who already pass or fit the stereotype. For so many years I've wanted to get big and strong and then get discouraged when I see the only people accepted are emaciated or muscular in a thin way. I have my fathers body so when I put on muscle it looks very different from those who get the spotlight. So I did that to myself. I destroyed my muscle. I destroyed myself. I can't even imagine the shit anyone of any other color or body type goes through. Trans people have been through enough in general so why are we being treated it's a race to the top? Let transboys become transmen.

[jemiswumbo]

bulletproof love (18+)

twitchstreamer!luke x reader

author’s note: omgg this oneshot took all my blood sweat and tears to produce. i am NOT a graphic designer. i do NOT normally write smut. but this idea had to come to fruition before i went insane. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!!!!

title is from bulletproof love by pierce the veil. lyrics have no correlation but it IS a certified banger.

tags/warnings: smut!! minors dni. oral (m receiving). use of y/n. not proofread. kinda long. teeheehee etc.

i.

You met Luke Castellan at the grocery store.

He looked like a completely normal (albeit, very attractive) guy in his twenties. His dark curls fell slightly over his warm, chocolate brown eyes. A mischievous smirk was plastered across his cheeks, showing off a small dimple on the left side. He wore a simple hoodie and sweats as he perused the pasta aisle, picking up different jars of sauce and reading the labels absentmindedly. He did, however, have an interesting scar sitting jagged over his cheekbone, but it was so faint that you hadn’t noticed it until way later on.

You would have never guessed he was a near millionaire with close to a million social media followers. You would have never guessed he spent the majority of his life not at the grocery store, but rather streaming FPS and RPG games for an average of fifty thousand views at a time.

You would have never guessed he’d take a liking to you.

You, who worked part time at this very grocery store. You, who didn’t really know the first thing about video games, except that they were confusing and it was insane that some people could build ridiculously complex structures at a mind-boggling speed on Fortnite whilst also shooting with godly precision.

He had backed into you accidentally whilst you were restocking a shelf, causing you to drop a couple glass jars that cracked open upon impact with the floor. You apologized, even though you’d really done nothing wrong. He obviously thought you attractive (or maybe he just didn’t leave the house much?) because his idea of an apology was taking you out to some lavishly expensive dinner the next night.

The dinner was okay but the conversation is what got you hooked. He was so sweet and told you so many wild stories that had you laughing until your chest ached. He paid for the meal and held your hand on the drive home. When he dropped you off, he casually told you his Instagram handle and told you to shoot him a follow. You blushed, smiled, and scurried inside.

You just about died when you saw his profile.

ii.

It’s been about a year since you had started dating Luke Castellan, otherwise known as his twitch handle “SonofHermes.”

(“Because he’s the messenger god, right? In, like, Greek Mythology? And I felt like a damned messenger god when I was a moderator for four different discord servers and a twitch chat—“)

Luke’s twitch streams occured mostly every night, from 8pm to about 3am. He always began his streams with some FPS game (Overwatch, Valorant, CS:GO, or something similar). After a few hours he would swap over to a different game for his variety segment. His chat was hilarious. They loved to tease Luke and joke around with him and donate silly messages. And, of course, because Luke was so very attractive, a decent chunk of his fan base was dedicated towards swooning over his every word and look and smile.

You, honestly, never really minded. Mostly because Luke was yours. You were sure the thirsting from chat would diminish once they knew you were dating. But… you really, truly, had no desire to be in the public eye. Having nearly a million people know your name and your face was daunting and scary. You also had enough common sense to realize that some of his fans were probably batshit crazy and would send you hate and death threats for dating Luke. You were a part time employee and a student; you did not need another reason on top of that to have poor mental health.

Luke loved you unconditionally and that was all that mattered. You were perfectly content spending most evenings to yourself. He was a good boyfriend, though, and did schedule days off to take you out and show you incredible amounts of love and support. You were both very happy and secure in your relationship.

One particular evening, you were staying over at Luke’s apartment. It was a Friday, and you had no work tomorrow, so he bought alcohol and weed and selected a list of movies to marathon. It was basically your most ideal way to spend the weekend.

That was, until, Luke’s gamer friends messaged him on discord, begging him to join their Rust server to defend their group base.

Luke had met these friends through Twitch events and game conventions. There was Percy, who streamed with his girlfriend Annabeth. They were one of the most adored couples in the gaming community. They all lived in the same state, so Luke hung out with them pretty often. There was also Grover, who was Percy’s roommate and would join his streams from time to time. As well, there was Thalia, who was a huge advocate for women in eSports, and played in a professional league. Luke had introduced them too you a few months ago, and they all swore to help keep your relationship a secret.

The five of them often played different games together, as most of their fanbases consisted of the same people, so it really raked in the views and made for good content. Plus, it was just really fun. You knew how much Luke loved his friends and cherished the times they got to play together.

The Rust server was a recent hyperfixation that you were positive would fade once a new MMO came out to grab their attention. But, you were also aware of how much time and effort Luke had spent constructing this base of his.

“Go,” you said, noticing his confliction. “You can have one hour to play. Stream, too, so I can watch out here. But after that, you’re mine for the rest of the night.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Luke said with his devilish grin. He kissed you hard, leaving a swarm of butterflies dancing in your stomach. He hurried off to his bedroom, where he kept his gaming setup, and shut the door.

You were fine with spending an hour alone. Flipping through Netflix, you cracked open a bottle of wine and relaxed into the sofa.

One hour went by fast. Luke didn’t return to the living room.

You picked up your phone and opened the Twitch app, clicking on Luke’s stream. He was currently in the middle of some intense adventure with Percy. Luke’s webcam was situated in the top left corner of the game feed, and he looked so cute and handsome under the glow of the monitor and the purple LED lights.

To be honest, the wine was getting to you. You felt such a strong desire to be near Luke and to feel him and be with him. He bit his lip on camera, deep in concentration, and that action alone had your heart rate increasing.

“Fuck it,” you said, turning off the TV and standing up from the couch. His hour was up, and it was time to take the matter into your own hands.

iii.

Luke enjoyed playing his games with the volume high in his headphones. It allowed him to feel like he was actually in the game, and unaware of the outside world. This also was an issue, because more often than not he would lose track of time and forget about his plans and scheduled events.

He just couldn’t help it — he loved video games. Currently, he was busy perfecting his base on Rust so it wouldn’t be broken into again. It took a lot of effort and concentration, and Percy and Grover dicking around and goofing off did nothing to help his focus.

So, it only made sense that he didn’t notice his bedroom door opening. The door wasn’t in frame on his camera, so he didn’t see it open, either. He didn’t notice it close. He didn’t notice you, getting down on all fours and crawling over to his desk setup.

He didn’t notice you, at all, until you put a hand on his leg.

Luke jumped a bit and glanced down, meeting your mischievous glance and the naughty smile on your cheeks.

“Uh, chat — sorry, gotta go to the bathroom, one sec —“ Luke rushed out. He shut off his camera and muted his mic, double checking that it was definitely muted by quickly scanning the latest messages in his chat:

He rolled his eyes at the messages, and pushed his chair back, glaring at you on the floor. “Baby, what the hell are you doing?!”

You smiled. “I was just missing you, is all.”

“So you snuck in — wait, shit, you said one hour. It’s been an hour hasn’t it?” Luke said, running a hand through his messy curls.

You nodded, and gave a weak shrug. “It’s okay, though. I think it would be fun if we also played a game of our own.”

Luke raised his eyebrows, feeling a blush form on his cheeks. “What’re .. what’re you suggesting?”

You unbuttoned your blouse and tossed to the floor, leaving you in a lacy black bra and your mini skirt. You let your fingers linger on the strap of your bra. “I’ll let you stream longer. But.. once you cum, you have to shut it off.”

“You want to blow me on stream?” Luke asked, incredulously. He could already feel himself start to harden at the thought of this ‘game’ of yours occurring.

“Like, secretly, though.” You said with a slight eye roll. “You can try to keep your composure for as long as you can, but you’ll be all mine for the rest of the night. Okay?”

Luke took a minute to ponder. If he somehow got caught… the consequences would be severe. His reputation would be tarnished. He’d lose his job and his income and the entire career he had worked so hard to build.

But on the other hand.. you looked really fucking sexy, staring at him with your doe-eyes, feigning innocence in the most seductive lingerie he’d ever seen you in.

“Fuck’s sake.” Luke pulled his chair back towards his desk. He tugged his sweatpants down to his ankles, giving you a face full of his half hard cock and his toned, muscular thighs. “You have to be quiet too, you little slut. I seriously cannot get caught.”

“Of course,” you replied, slightly moaning as you took his length into your hand. “You’re so incredibly attractive.”

“Shut up,” Luke said, adjusting his camera angle to absolutely ensure it cut off at his upper chest and nothing lower than that was visible. He took a deep breath and was about to rejoin his stream, when you began sucking him off. “Fuck!”

You pulled your lips off of him with a loud pop. “Come on, Lukey, you can last longer than that.”

“You’re mouth feels so fucking good though,” Luke groaned, threading his fingers through your hair. He took another deep breath and guided your head back to his cock, which was now fully hard and aching for your mouth. This time, when you licked up his shaft, he was more prepared and was able to maintain his chill composure. “Okay. Okay, baby, I’m turning my stuff back on. Be quiet, please.”

You nodded, slowly taking him back into your warm mouth.

Luke turned on his camera. He turned on his mic. He ran a hand through his hair and grabbed his mouse and keyboard. “Okay, I’m back. Chat, please tell me Percy and Thalia didn’t do anything stupid while I was gone.”

“Hey!” You heard, faintly from Luke’s headset. “We didn’t do anything, and if your chat says otherwise, they are lying!”

You giggled as quietly as you could, and clearly the vibrations from such movement felt good for Luke, because you heard him take a sharp intake of breath.

“Wh-whatever. Doesn’t matter. Let’s get back to work.” Luke said defensively.

“What?” Percy asked. “You sound weird, man. Is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Luke replied, too quickly and at an octave higher than he normally speaks. You couldn’t help but get a little nervous. He was terrible at being subtle.

“Okay…” This was a girl’s voice, and sounded like Thalia. “My chat agrees that you’re being weird.”

“Same.” Percy agreed.

“Yeah, well,” Luke scanned his second monitor to check in on how his chat was reacting. He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “My chat is being dumb, as per usual.”

Below the desk, your nerves had subsided and instead you became preoccupied with the notion of possibly getting caught. It was kind of twisted but this caused your lower region to dampen. You lifted your short little skirt over your hips and moved your lacy underwear to the side, giving you access to finger yourself.

You moaned, with your mouth full of thick, heady cock, and brain slightly foggy from the wine consumption. You were close already.

“What?” Luke said, clearly reading something on his monitor. “Chat, that was my phone vibrating on my desk. I did not moan over that headshot Percy made. Be so for real”

“Rude,” Percy said. “I would’ve moaned. I’m like, the god of gaming.”

“Loser.” Luke responded, biting his lower lip and slightly bucking his hips into your mouth. He must’ve been getting close, too.

From that moment on, you were desperate to make Luke finish. You abandoned your slow and gentle place, and took his entire cock down your throat. You silently gagged, and bobbed your head up and down, making sure to suck a bit longer on his leaking tip. You grabbed his balls in your right hand and squeezed, keeping your left hand on his upper thigh.

“Fuck,” Luke murmured, just under his breath. You sucked harder in response. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“What is going on, dude?” Percy questioned. “You’re stressing me out.”

Luke glanced over at his chat again.

Luke flipped a middle finger to his camera, and gave a playful, “Chat, you all suck.” Obviously, he loved his fans and was eternally grateful for their support. It was just fun to mess around with them and feign a love hate relationship. It did make him a bit anxious, however, that everyone easily picked up on the fact that something was affecting Luke. It didn’t exactly help that he was really close to finishing and was starting to lose track of what was happening in the game. All he could feel was his cock going in and out and in and out of your soft lips, that were now coated in a mixture of salvia and his precum. It was just about driving him insane.

You, on the other hand, were knuckle deep inside your own cunt and sucking Luke off with so much fervour your jaw was starting to ache. But you loved the feeling. And you were determined to get him off. Now.

Suddenly, Luke felt the familiar feeling build inside himself. Before he realized it was happening, he was shooting thick ropes down your eager throat. “Fuck!” he screamed, legs shaking and eyes squeezing shut. He shuddered and gasped for air as you did not let up on your pace, sucking every last drop of cum from him.

He realized how fucking weird this whole ordeal must’ve looked to his many (many, many) viewers.

Instead of confronting what just happened, he slammed his mouse on the End Stream button and shut off his computer, without so much as a goodbye. He pushed his chair back and grabbed your shoulders, pulling you up to your feet.

You smiled at him sweetly, a sheen of sweat covering your entire body. Luke leaned down and kissed you hungrily.

“Y/n,” he said, once he was out of breath from such an intense kiss. “I.. Need. To be inside of you. And you can never, ever do that again.”

“Mhmm,” you hummed innocently. “Kinda seemed like you really liked it though.”

“Oh, shut up.” Luke said with a grin. “Bed. Now.”

You obliged, heading over to his comfy queen sized bed, unaware that you were about to have the most mind blowing sex of your entire life.

authors note: aaaaa ok. first of all i’d like to apologize. i have not proofread this at all and i wrote each chunk on separate days. i will proofread it eventually and fix the errors lmao.

also! now that all the ~lore~ to this AU is sorted, if you ever wanna send me twitchstreamer!luke specific prompts, i would ADORE THAT.

thank you all again for reading !!!!! <3

taglist: @notacluelessblonde00 @lilyirlevans

[mv1simp]

I am in ur walls

I have come to raise the idea of, and hear me out, Max x PR officer reader. I’m just gonna yap now, hear me out

Like can you imagine Max going through his hoe phase and reader having to clean up his image, and she’s just fondly like UGH MAX. Part of her is like blehhhhh because more work, but the bigger part of her is like ✨jealous✨

And then at some point she makes an offhand comment like if you want to be a whore, can you at LEAST not make more work for me????

Cue Max and her starting to be a thing, and him trying to rile her up enough to get her to be their own PR issue just for shits and giggles and he gets quite risque and horny and her resistance to it just turns him on even more until he’s saying and doing the filthiest shit in the middle of the paddock just to get her to crack——

Also can you imagine how hilarious it would be if they get caught and GP is like NOT YOU TOO READER LIKE DOES HE HAVE A MAGIC DICK OR SMTH——

WELCOME TO MY WALLS!!! This idea HAS ME ahahahah see I was always a crackfic writer at age 12 on wattpad, its time to remerge into the light with this prompt

Like you know how max is so millennial coded. And she’s actually the same age as him but he thinks she’s older cause she’s always looking so stressed. And she like um that’s cause you’re a fuckin manwhore max?!? Have you thought about celibacy for a hot second? And as they become better friends she demands he hand over his card so she can invest in some good skincare

(max also suggests maybe she needs to get dicked down good, he’s happy to provide that if she wants or? 🤭🤭)

But anyways she’s pumping out Gen z memes left right and centre to distract the masses from his slut era and he’s always like wdym “i have zero rizz and am a bitchless cat dad”?? I know memes?? Remember hawk thua-

ALSO WHENEVER HE REALLY TRIES TO RILE HER UP ON THE PADDOCK AND SHE CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT SHE MAKES HIM DO THE MOST ANNOYING SOCIAL MEDIA CHALLENGES TO GET BACK AT HIM like imagine her making him do a kiss marry kill with the drivers and he’s like 😑😑 and everyone’s like babes come here we got max Verstappen saying he’d kiss Alonso, marry charles and kill George before GTA 2024

ALSO I’m jumping the gun but after he ✨seduces her ✨ there’s so much scope for the classic shenanigans. Accidentally wearing shirts inside out. Accidentally wearing each others Redbull shirt and she could get away with oversized style but everyone’s like “max why tf are u wearing a crop top”. (GP knows. He knows and he can’t look either of you in the eye. Everyone has started asking why he loudly announces himself and waits 10 seconds before walking around the corners of the Redbull garage and he’s like…no reason. But his face is one of a man who has seen many, many things)

Anyway you have ban any contact of sexual nature after that incident that you have dubbed CropTopGate. But obviosuly that just makes max even more feral cause we know how competitive he is 😼

ALSO he’s notorious for going through personal managers as well but once you two start getting tension but you’re still all like “nooo 6 foot driver millionaires aren’t my type okayyyy 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️”

So he demands that you be promoted to his personal events manager as well. To which you are adamantly like NO knowing what this means for your poor self control but Christian Horner is like yes maxie boo 🥰 so now you also accompany max to all his lil modelling gigs, looking anywhere but at him while he stands shirtless next to you with a cocky grin.

OR LIKE IMAGINE HE AND A MODEL ARE DOING AN ADVERTISEMENT TOGETHER LIKE ONE OF THOSE SEXY PERFUME ONES. AND DURING A BREAK THE PHOTOGRAPHER NOTICES YOU AND MAX TALKING TOGETHER

and he’s like i don’t care who you are get over here NOW this sexual chemistry is insane so you end up in a very compromising pose up against max verstappen, F1 driver, cat dad, and certified slut while he’s whispering dirty things in your ear

(He catches on quick that you really likes it when he speaks Dutch, good thing you can’t understand it cause he’s just reciting his grocery list and enjoying watching you blush and squeeze your legs together)

very cute idea hehe thank you for messaging!! I LIVE for some sexual tension, reader is a better woman than me for trying to resist the advances of max 😮‍💨😮‍💨

[balkanradfem]

So I've been looking to read some books about living in nature, written by women, to get an idea of how it goes in practice, and the first book I found was 'The Great Alone' by Hannah Kirstin. It was about a family who decided to move to Alaska and live self-sufficiently, and it was written from the point of view of the daughter, Leni. I did not realize right away that this was a piece of fiction! However I do want to tell you about this book because something very specific happened in it that made me have.. ideas.

Right on the first page, it was spelled out to me clearly that this is a story about domestic violence. The father was drinking, had ptsd from war, sometimes 'blew up', and I was like, oh, I know what that is. Okay, let's see what happens then.

The father decided to move them all to Alaska because a buddy who died in the war left him a cabin there, and he wasn't earning money to pay rent, so Alaska it is. He talked his wife into it, promising that he will 'be better over there', and I'm like yeah sure you will.

I have to say, at the beginning this book was just heavily enabling me. They went over to Alaska and everyone was saying 'you need to prepare for winter immediately', even though it was spring, and they were bewildered. People were coming to help them to build a garden and homesteading infrastructure. And I'm looking at that like hell yeah I'm already 100% introduced to this, I am prepairing my garden from January, as soon as spring hits I am looking for food to can, dry, cure, I'm filling my stash from the moment cherries arrive. I'm certified to live in nature. (I'm not, I'm just entertaining myself with this fiction).

Alaskan winter is long and dangerous, and somehow these folks were already at the end of their food stash by the end of January, which is so early. They were in trouble, had no money, it was cold, Alaskan winter also brings 18 hours of darkness a day, so everyone was bummed and anxious. As you can imagine, the father found himself some alt-right conspiracy theorists to hang out there and drink with, every day they were talking about the government or minorities 'coming for their land' and prepairing to shoot people at the moment's notice, so it's no wonder he became more violent, aggressive and dangerous to his wife and child. He would end up beating his wife, and she would forgive him, and the daughter watching all this felt insane and desperate to save her mother. But there was no help, no police, nobody could even reach them in the deep winter, they had no food, they relied on him to catch something in the forest.

This is where the story got interesting. 

He breaks her nose, and the daughter decides that's enough, takes her mother into the car, and they escape. They crash. Daughter seeks help. They end up in a hospital. Father finds them and cries and promises to never do it again. Mother forgives him, seemingly out of fear that he's going to start killing people if she leaves him. Alaskan folk now know that she is being abused, because of her bruises and broken nose. And something unexpected happens.

One of the first Alaskan characters introduced in the story is Large Marge, a big woman owning a shop where she trades food and other survival goods. She is strong, resourceful, down to earth, incredible, helpful in every possible way. She is our star. Because once the word is out about the abuse, and the domestic violence family is back in the cabin, she comes over. She tells them all to sit the hell down, like she's a parent sorting out her unruly children. She then tells this story:

'I used to be a lawyer. Big city prosecutor. High heels and designer suits. I loved it. And I loved my sister, who married the man of her dreams. Only he turned out to have a few problems. A few quirks. Turned out he drank too much and liked to use my baby sis as a punching bag. I tried everything to get her to leave him, but she refused. Maybe she was scared, maybe she loved him, maybe she was as sick and broken as he was. I know that when I called the police it was worse for her and she begged me not to do it again. I backed off. Biggest mistake of my life. He went after her with a hammer. We had to have a closet-casket funeral. He claimed he'd taken the hammer from her to protect himself. The law isn't kind to battered women. He's still out there. Free. I came up here to get away from all that.“ She looked at the abuser. ''And here you are.''

The tension was insane. Everyone tried to get a word in, but she shut then down, and then she looked at the abuser again. ''We've talked about your situation here, we have a few solutions, but really, our favourite one is where we take you out and kill you.''

And I am reading this like oh my god. That's the freaking solution. It doesn't need to be that complicated. We just need someone who is 100% done with this shit who takes him out and shoots him. Problem solved. You hit your wife? Out and shot. Bye loser. Nobody losing sleep over you anymore.

I would love to tell you that she did take him out and shoot him, of how would I love to tell you that. I prayed it would happen as soon as the option was presented to me. However she told him he is either being taken out and shot, or he is leaving, getting a job and then providing money for his wife and daughter, and not returning until the spring comes again, which, he agreed to, since the alternative was to be taken out and shot. But I was still saying we should shoot him. She then decided to stay with the mother and daughter to keep them safe and fed during the winter. Like the hero she fucking is.

So, I haven't read this entire book yet, this is the middle of it, I have to go back and read the other half in order to know what happened next, but, I love this, I love the author, I love the representation of domestic violence and cycle of abuse, and how it is to be a female child in this situation, I love Large Marge, I love the resolution she provides, we need her, someone please, put her in reality. I want to be her, I want to barge into people's home and make death threats to abusers. To randomly stumble on a book like this is incredible to me. Thank you women for writing books. I love you all.

[halestrom]

no? yes! - a little hangster drabbleficlet

“Hey Bradshaw. Wanna go on a date?”

Bradley blinked, looking over at Hangman sure he had heard wrong. “What?”

Hangman smirked and leaned over the table, toothpick at the corner of his mouth. “A date.”

“A date?”

“Yes.”

Bradley glanced at Nat to see if he was hallucinating, but she looked as confused as he felt. “What?” he repeated.

The smirk didn’t go away, but it did change into something sly. “Yeah, you know. Dinner, drinks, conversation. I might even slip you some tongue if you’re good.”

There was an answer, Bradley was sure of it, but his brain had stopped working as soon as he heard the word ‘good’ in that low drawl. “Um.”

“Soooo. No,” Jake said, toothpick sliding to the other side of his mouth as he leaned back.

“What? No!”

“So, yes?”

“No!”

“No?”

“Yes!”

“Good,” Jake said, standing up and before Bradley registered what had happened, Jake leaned in and kissed him, the toothpick gone and Bradley’s lips tingled and he wasn’t 100% sure it wasn’t just from Jake’s never ending supply of Burt’s Bees chapstick.

Pulling back, Jake winked at him before standing and heading out. “Pick you up at seven,” Jake called over his shoulder.

Bradley gaped at Jake’s retreating back before looking over at Nat and making a confused noise.

“Mazel tov,” she replied, downing her beer and standing up to join the rest of the squad who had stopped in the middle of a game of darts to watch the exchange.

As he watched, Fritz slapped a pile of money into Bob’s hand with a scowl. Bradley made another confused noise and looked at the door where Jake had left. He was up and heading towards it before he thought about it, ignoring the cheers from his teammates as he slammed his way into the light and almost barreled over Jake who was standing there smirking at him.

“Eager, are we? I don’t mind. We can go mini golfing to kill time before dinner,” Jake said, turning and heading towards where the Bronco sat, a bright blue beacon and all Bradley could do was follow.

“What…Han…Se..what?” Bradley demanded.

Ignoring him, Jake rounded to the passenger side and tugged on the door handle, which didn’t open because Bradley hadn’t even grabbed the keys yet. Looking at Bradley through the window, Jake raised both eyebrows and pointedly tugged on the handle again.

“What is happening?” Bradley demanded, hearing the whine in his voice even as he scrambled for his keys and unlocked the doors.

Jake swung himself into the passenger seat like he had done it a thousand times, and somehow he looked like he belong there. “Get in the car,” Jake said, voice muffled by the closed driver’s door.

Bradley stood there, staring at Jake as he tried to figure out how his afternoon had gone from relaxing, to out of his control. As he stood there, for the first time in the entire time of knowing Jake he watched Jake shift in the seat. To someone else it would look like Jake was getting settled but Bradley had known Jake for a long time. And it was the first time he had seen the man fidget and he realized that Jake was nervous.

And that more than anything cleared out the lingering confusion as he yanked open the door and pulled himself in. “You’re certifiable,” he muttered even as he turned the car on.

“And yet, you want to date me.”

Bradley ignored that in favor of beginning to drive. “Where’s the golf course?” he muttered, wondering when he had lost control of his life.

“Get on the freeway,” Jake replied, relaxing back against the seat. “Hey, Bradshaw?”

Bradley glanced to the side in time to see Jake shoot him a lazy smile that had no right looking as good as it did. “What?”

“You look good,” Jake said, voice softer than Bradley had ever heard it before and when he glanced over, Jake was watching him, the lazy smile gone in favor of something soft.

“I am good, Seresin,” Bradley said, realizing that, despite the insanity of the last five minutes, he was. “So do you.”

“I know,” Jake said, voice as confident as it always before waving a hand. “Take the first exit. We have a reservation.”

“What if I had said no?” Bradley asked, wondering how much planning Jake had put into this

“You wouldn’t have,” Jake said, voice knowing, as if there wasn’t any doubt about the outcome of the day.

For once, Bradley had no reply  to that and instead, took the exit, figuring he might as well get used to the lack of control he suddenly had in his life. He was finding that he didn’t mind at all.  

[bitchimasnake-sss]

the monster trio (but make it highschool!au);

basically, what if these mf weren't illiterate?? highschool!au headcanons for the monster trio!!

m.list

luffy:

- the class comedian (and doesn't know it) - like this man is out here just going about his day, doing stupid shit. he doesn't know why the class is laughing when the teacher asks him what he's doing and he says "eating. want some?" through a mouthful of doritos and a shit-eating grin - everyday, atleast once, he gets sent to the principle (the principle is garp lmao) and garp sends luffy back to the teacher because even he doesn't wanna deal with this precious himbo

- he runs track (and he is actually so good at it) - he's that one kid that has adhd and the whole school knows but he doesnt "adhd? what's that?" "you, luffy, that's you" - his homework? never complete; his handwriting? so shit it feels like ants crawling on paper; his uniform? something has to be missing always whether it's a button on his shirt, tie, belt, something. - one time he pulled up with one sock missing and when asked, he shrugged and said "sometimes things happen" - why did he say it like that??? - somehow, despite it all, he manages to pass (nami tutored him forcefully and made him pay her later) - best friends with the martial artist!zoro and cooking prodigy!sanji - nobody knows how these three are friends??? but they are ig - also, i headcannon him as the guy who is like 4 feet and after one summer comes back stretched out (hehe, pun intended) - always so kind to others even if he doesn't know them, always willing to help freshmen out and run errands for you if you need help - nobody knew he is related to his older brothers (ace, sabo) "how are you their brother??" "idk? how am i??" - just the bestest boy ever, golden retriever energy all day every day no matter what universe it is

zoro:

- you take one look at this mf and you think, ah here is the classic delinquent, stick-up-his-ass martial artist and you couldnt be more wrong - he is never dressed right but that's cause he doesn't know how to tie a tie and listen if he had the willpower to find the right socks at 7 in the morning, he will - he is just an incompetent fool, trust me 😭😭 - gets late on the regular cause he always takes the wrong turn - the one "jock" who isn't anything like a stereotypical jock? like he hangs out with soon-to-be valedictorian nami, idiot luffy, theatre kid!ussop and cook!sanji - nobody can understand how this friend group was formed??? - actually gets asked out a decent amount of times and always says "nah, im good" and walks away to his friends - people are starting to suspect if he's dating luffy from how hard their bromance is going "zolo!!! gooDMORNING!!" luffy yells as he launches onto zoro in the middle of the hallway at 8:03 am on a random tuesday zoro casually drops his backpack to catch luffy "morning" zoro replies as if it's casual behaviour - the amount of trophies the school has in his name is insane (nation level martial artist, roronoa zoro) - he is actually decent at school, he is just average and he's fine by it he doesn't give all that much of a shit in the academic sphere - casually pulls up to the parents-teacher meet with thE FUCKING WORLD REKNOWNED MARTIAL ARTIST, DRACULE MIHAWK??? "i see he passed in all his exams. how wonderful, zoro. let's leave now." "aight" - he doesn't even think twice when asked if he knows mihawk, he's just like "yeah that's my dad what about him?" - a certified dumbass in every universe

sanji:

- listen to me this mf went to masterchef junior and fucking won and people only know this cause the school hyped him up and not because he wanted people to know "omg sanji did you actually win-" "no that was my twin brother sanjo, please leave me alone" - actually prim and properly dressed, shows up at time everyday and gives in all of his assignments and submissions well before the due date (he is partially responsible for keeping zoro and luffy on track) - he was the one making cupcakes when nami was organizing a fundraiser for a nearby orphanage, he was the one who baked cookies cause sabo wanted to hand them out on his last day of school, he was the one who baked cakes for his classmate's surprise birthday party - rumor has it if you get on good terms with sanji, a mysterious box of homemade chocolate will be there in your locker the next day - despite all the hype he has, mf still gets no girls - like luffy, he is insanely kind to those who need help - has gotten almost suspended once for beating up a senior year kid for bullying a freshmen (luffy and zoro just stood by and laughed as that kid got his ass handed to him) - he is the son of THE FUCKING OWNER OF BARATIE, A FIVE STAR MICHELLIN RESTAURANT THAT IS FREQUENTED BY CELEBRITIES ALL THE TIME "omg omg sanji is it true that the rock visited your restaurant last night?!" "yeah, his daughter wanted to eat my tiramisu, she's really sweet" - so chill always (but simultaneously losing his shit) - the kinda person you'd love hanging out with - as i said, in any universe, he is still single (feed him the rizz rizz fruit pls)

a/n: tried something new tell me do you like it or love it? m.list

[totheblood]

i keep thinking about infatuated ellie.. like LOVESTRUCK, nervous, giddy ellie, and ik you’ll do her so much justice

a/n: ik this is from weeks ago but i'm writing some headcanons and would appreciate if u guys could send some more! i also need to note the ai audio i made of joel was inspired by my talented friend saz who had the idea to make a joel ai and have him and ellie interact, her fics are amazing and i believe she will be making her own ellie fic w a joel audio so pls folllow her and read her work! her @ is @dyk3ification also i wrote this in whole foods before my class so if it sucks... thats why.. ai audios at the end! also pls interact w me and my work it makes me so happy ily bye!

lovestruck!ellie headcanons

ellie is 100%, certifiably, and downright a hardcore lover to her core

when she’s crushing on you she is the type to take anything you do as a sign that you like her back

she’d be like “no, dina, but when she held the door she looked back at me and smiled… who does that?”

“polite people?”

or if you’re sitting next to her in class and she drops her pen, the minute you reach down to pick it up for her she’s imagining your future together

she would just secretly pine after you for as long as she can, way too nervous to work up the courage to ask you out

she’s the type to journal about you, draw you, think that it was weird, and rip it out of her journal

but she’s too sentimental to throw it away so she’d just tuck it into a box in the back of her closet

she’s so observant about the things you do

just by sitting next to you, she knows your favorite movie, your favorite place to eat, and your favorite flowers

(she writes all of this down in case she one day works up the courage to ask you out)

when you do finally start talking she would go out of her way to go to the things you invite her too

for example, you invited her to a GSA mixer (something she wouldn’t attend on her own) at a time when she was working

she called out sick just to attend and talk to you for a total of fifteen minutes

it’s totally worth it to her cause you hugged her twice (she counted)

she does insanely stupid shit like going out of her way to get you your favorite coffee from this very specific place half an hour from campus.

“oh, ellie you didn’t have to do this. thank you so much! let me pay you back.” you’re reaching into your bag looking for your wallet

“oh, it’s no big deal i was in the area,” she was nowhere close to the area. “and it didn’t cost that much,” it was an 8-dollar cup of coffee. “maybe we could go together sometime?”

ellie doesn’t even realize she’s asked you out by the time you’re agreeing with a huge smile plastered on your face

the date goes well, so you ask her on another and another… and another

before she knows it you’re her girlfriend and she can’t shut up about it

she’ll try to manipulate conversations just so she can say the phrase “my girlfriend”

she’s at the movies with jesse and dina and with every preview of a horror movie shes like, “oh, i think my girlfriend would love this movie.”

the barista at the coffee shop makes her latte too sweet and she’s all like, “i wish my girlfriend was here so i could give her this.”

she’s also the type to call you and find out where you are just so she could deliver you her very sweet latte that she knows you would enjoy

she’s also the type to brag about any accomplishments of yours to everyone

“oh yea, my girlfriend won some academic award. she’s such a genius.”

she’s the type to whenever you’re together she would just be staring at you and you’re like, “what?”

“nothing… you’re just so pretty. i’m so lucky.”

there’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t make you feel like you put the moon and the stars in the sky

all of her weekly calls with joel have become her ranting about how much she loves you

“ellie, all you do is talk about this girl. when am i going to get the chance to meet her?”

“soon, i hope. i think you will really like her. she’s fuckin perfect, joel, i swear.”

“so i’ve heard.”

ai audios:

[dangermousie]

And now everyone gets why I call the novel this is based on "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. And usher in the Apocalypse."

I was wondering if they will make it look as insane as it came across in the novel and they managed. The CGI and design in this drama! But then Stellar CGI has always been top notch even when their scripts were a mess (and here like LBFAD, when we get a good script to boot...mmmm.)

AAAAAAA!!!

Poor darling, he's so puzzled - he's as insecure as he's powerful.

But don't worry, it's Esther "certified monsterfucker" Yu, who's playing in this. Have you seen CLJ? Or even Sword/Fairy 6?

I am bona fide obsessed by now btw.

[newtonsheffield]

Anthony is going to enact the most balls the wall certifiably cooked proposal anyone could imagine. Remember when Beyoncé and Jay Z rented the louvre for a day to film a video? That times ten for Viscount Anthony when he finally proposes to auctioneer Kate, not to mention a ring big enough and wow enough to get her colleagues (a group of people who deal with luxury and antique jewellery every single day) gasping and gossiping.

In my head it’s something like this but maybe not? [Brand is Chaumet, icons of ridiculously ott jewellery]

I think his proposal would be so understated Kate would almost miss it. His first instinct would be to do something insane like get his voice used instead of Big Ben’s bongs and then he’d calm down just a little. Well, calm down for him.

He gets Ben to paint something for him, with the most important question he’s ever going to ask hidden somewhere in it. Then he takes it in for Kate to appraise. Watching her brow furrow as she looks at it.

“Anthony, I don’t… know who painted this but-”

“Keep looking, babe.”

“Really desperate for some money hey? Am I bleeding you dry?”

“Just keep looking.”

“This is worth- Oh my god.”

“Ah you’ve found it.” Anthony grinned, dropping to one knee.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Are you going to marry me though?”

“Yes, Anthony. Always yes.”

“I can’t believe you called this painting useless. Benedict’ll be so disappointed.”

Her engagement ring is enormous. Visible from space, she’s sure. An antique that made even her coworker’s mouth drop open when they saw it. There’s articles written about it the first time they step out to an event and a picture ends up in the society pages. People stop her and ask to look at it, which Anthony loves. He loves people gawping at his engagement ring because it means that everyone knows that Kate said yes. Kate’s his wife. Well, soon enough.

[earthtoharlow]

Series Masterlist

Previous Chapter

YOURINSTA

liked by latto777, summerwalker, SZA, selenagomez, druski, urbanwyatt, and 678,567 others

yourinsta: daddy, am I your baby? @champagnepapi

view all 8965 comments

user: waited about 3 hours to like this so I didn’t look desperate

user: I’m bigger than drake btw

user: all I need is 3 seconds frfrfr

user: the slayage is insane. face card never declines. category was body and you bodied

user: will never get over Jack fumbling a bad bitch

mariahthescientist: 😍😍😍

user: Jack somewhere crying

flomillishit: I’m in looooove

CHAMPAGNEPAPI

liked by urbanwyatt, saweetie, sexyyredd, icespice, SZA, druski, yourinsta and 1,990,708 others

champagnepapi: I miss you when I wake up before you.

Happy Valentine’s Day ya freaks!

view all 6,789 comments

celeb: 🥹🥹

SZA: I love you guys

celeb: goals fr my guy !

celeb: thank god you married her

celeb: certified lover boyyyy

yourinsta: I love you forever

JACKHARLOW

liked by thatgirlstacey, justinbieber, icespice, neelamthadhani, 2forwoyne, quiiso, and 968,456 others

jackharlow: Happy Valentine’s Day to Stacey! Even though our paths have diverged, my heart still holds a special place for you! I’ll hold your heels for you any day!

view all 10,568 comments

user: oh

user: did he seriously just do this

user: he saw y/n got married and now he’s trying to make her jealous

user: this kinda embarrassing

thatgirlstacey: 🥹

user: so y’all back together or what?

user: I’m so confused

THESHADEROOM

liked by 789,360 users

theshaderoom: uh oh #roomies Y/N Y/L posted this to her IG Story but quickly deleted it! They appear to be messages from her ex boyfriend and rapper Jack Harlow! TMZ just reported earlier today that Jack and Ms. James spent Valentine’s Day together! Two months ago Jack was doing interviews saying he was still in love with Y/N!

messy messy messy 

what y’all think roommates?!

view all 12,754 comments

user: y/n is attention seeking

user: I love that she has him saved as a graveyard

user: is Stacey not embarrassed

user: jack the one that needs to be embarrassed

user: hope she gets a restraining order

user: what was the reason for her posting this

user: now when Stacey say something I don’t wanna see her acting like the victim

YOURINSTA

liked by urbanwyatt, flomillishit, mariahthescientist, saweetie, selenagomez, usher, latto777, thatgirljt and 10,566,677 others

yourinsta: we good over here boo!

view all 17,689 comments

user: OH DONT GAG THE LIVE LIKE THIS

user: 😭😭😭

user: drake the type of nigga to sing his own song while on a date

user: chileeeee

user: y/n said my man ain’t cheating on me

user: I know Stacey sick rn

saweetie: I know that mf right!

user: married y/n a savage

***

AN: ANNNNNND WE BACK!!

Tag List

(message me if you'd like to be added or removed)

@heavyhitterheaux @hoodharlow @harlowsbby @neon-lights-and-glitter @toocriticalharlow @babiefries @mace23477 @snows-blog-of-fiction @dstark-0706 @itsyagirljaz @harlowcomehome @w1ldthoughts @vinniehackersbaee @halfmoondaze @jaydaaasworld @hufflewhore128 @leftapricotprofessorlover @minkookie95 @katiaw2 @kkrenae @jackharloww @babybardi2 @plushkhiii

[chaosgremlinmunson]

For @steddie-week July 3: mutual pining

Robin was going crazy, she was going certifiably insane, and she needed her best friend to kindly pull his head out of the proverbial sand and get it the heck together already. She'd been watching over the weeks and months since Eddie's recovery. She had witnessed the drug induced flirting from one high out of his gourd Eddie Munson and the subsequent flustered blush on her platonic soulmate's face who insisted he was just like that with everyone. She'd wanted to bang her head against the sterile white walls during that conversation, because firstly, no the fuck he wasn't. Eddie teased, of course, but to look at Steve Harrington and his drug added mind to supply “Guardian angel, ethereal beauty, my heartbeat, the sun in my sky, moon and stars envy your beauty, love, baby, sweetheart” no, these words were those of a love-struck man. She noticed how Eddie almost shrunk into himself when he saw them again, no longer high, but a fear set in his eyes as though he remembered the sugar sweet words he'd spoken to Steve. She noticed how Steve approached slowly, talking as though nothing happened just telling Eddie how happy he was he was still here. Still alive, still breathing.

She watched as Steve made himself available to always be there, helping Eddie to and from appointments, helping him with home exercises, being in his space and making sure he never went without.

She watched as they both fell ever deeper everyday together, further and further while believing the other couldn't possibly feel the same.

She was here now witnessing just one more instance of this absolutely convoluted mutual pining. Robin sighed and stood up. Both men looking up at her with surprise, she bit her lip for a moment, sighed again, gestured between them, and simply raised an eyebrow.

When neither seemed to respond, she huffed a breath and then started, “Alright. Enough of this. We all know I'm queer, okay? Everyone knows now and accepts me, you both cheerlead me constantly. Eddie,” she turned her eyes to him, “we know there had been rumors, I won't put you or assume anything, but my heart tells me you like Steve, maybe even love him. And Dingus,” she turned back to him, “I know the different expressions you have. There's something you're thinking or feeling for Eddie and I need you, for the love of God, to please tell him already.” She finished and looked back and forth between them again, nodded her head once and walked out the front door of the new Munson residence.

By nightfall her phone was ringing, she picked it up after a moment to hear Stevie on the other end, “Bobbin, thank you. I don't know how to tell you how thankful I am, we talked for hours and, Robbie-bird, he's my boyfriend now!”

“I'm happy for you Dingus. I love you, and I needed to see you both happy. I'm glad I was right, now get some rest and the three of us can go grab lunch tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay Bobby, love you too, goodnight.” He whispered back a smile evident in his voice.

Robin could dance. She was so happy for her friends, now to conquer her own pining heart and speak to Vicky.

[maleficentmrsofallevil]

The BJD White Whale

In Herman Melville's Moby Dick, Captain Ahab went on a revenge quest against a white sperm whale (named Moby Dick) for biting his leg off in a prior voyage. This revenge quest ended up basically destroying good ol' Ahab.

BJD collectors talk all the time about "grails" - the dolls you want but may never find. Don't ever read much about them white whales, tho. The doll you were going to create, the character you were going to shell, the hybrid you planned, and years later, your plan still hasn't panned out. The mods were too difficult. The glue never adhered properly. The dye didn't take.

My white whale: a hybrid for this legit Fairyland Chic Line Lishe head with literally any legit body.

This bitch's head has caused me so much frustration and misery.

I picked a fight with a DOA mod over this bitch. I have spent an uncounted amount of money trying to find a body for this bitch. I have met some of the worst collectors in the BJD hobby over this bitch. ("They can't re-release this line, or my doll will go down in value, and that's just unacceptable." No. Your doll is gonna yellow, and down down down goes your value, kiddo.)

Sure, she doesn't look too bad on this Dollpamm Skinny(F01) body when she's got clothes on, but take them off or look at her sideways, and...

Neck flare!

Sure, the Doll Family H Xiao Chan 1/5 scale girl body is the right size, but it's totally the wrong look for a mature female head:

I've learned that doll-company provided measurements are totally unreliable: I purchased 2D Doll Cherry Tomato. According to the website, her measurements were almost perfect.

Got the doll. She was HUGE.

1/4 scale? More like 50 cm tweener.

Tried Dollshe 16F and 26F fashion-sized dolls. Shoulders were way too broad. Even tried a SugarBone body and a discontinued Allegorica Evelyn. No dice.

So when the dealer emailed me back and said Fairyland wasn't interested in rebooting the line without hundreds of customers, welp - this Captain Ahab went out and bought another body.

Huajing 1/4 special body. Like 2D Doll, the measurements should be perfect. I'm not worried about height - I had the head on a Ficondoll body, and I was good with the height.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I am certifiable.

[glassartpeasants]

Run Rabbit Run .07

Yandere!Eustass Kid x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, reader having vivid nightmares, reader having a crisis, Kid being the insane fuck he is, Tashigi and G-5 being real ones, little happy moments???

A/N: I will defend all of G-5 will my DYING breath. Only Marines that I don't hate

music playlist

tags: @rebeccawinters @iggy5055 @dairygrrl @childconnoisseur @menifire1092 @tremendoushorsepatrolgoth @nerdgeekandeverysweet-blog @sydneyyyya

pt.1 pt.2 pt.3 pt.4 pt.5 pt.6 pt.7 pt.8 pt.9 pt.10

~~~

You pace back and forth in the infirmary. The sound of your shoes hitting the floor was nothing compared to your speeding heartbeat. Nothing like this happened at all when you were with Kid. So why now that you’ve escaped, has it shown up? Why did this have to happen?

Biting your knuckles, you try to ignore the agonizing feeling in your gut. The universe obviously wasn’t done screwing with you if what you feared was true. Not to mention how it’d affect everything good going on in your life.

“Take a deep breath and sit down, okay? Stressing isn’t gonna help.”

“How can I not stress?! What if it’s exactly what we think it is? What if I really am…”

“Pregnant?” Tashigi’s voice cuts into your skin as soon as the word leaves her throat. It felt like a fresh stab to your heart. Hearing the word out loud only made the fear all the more real and strong.

“I can’t even hear the word without being nauseous.” Taking a seat next to Tashigi on the infirmary bed, you put your head in your hands.

“What am I supposed to do? I still have four months to get to Sabaody. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my promise to you and Vice Admiral Smoker! A pirate on a Marine ship was pushing it, but a pregnant pirate on a Marine ship? He’ll probably dump me somewhere since I won’t be able to fight alongside you guys like I promised…” Tears start threatening to spill from your eyes as all the worst-case scenarios start playing through your head. 

“Vice Admiral Smoker would never! Sure, he’s a little rough around the edge, but he’d never kick you off for something that you can’t control.” Soft tears slip from your cheeks as you listen to her words.

“Do you think the Straw Hats will take me back? I know you're a Marine, so your answer might be biased, but…”

“If they don’t, you can come back to G-5 and join the Marines!” You giggle slightly.

“If push comes to shove and they don’t take me back, you're gonna be stuck with me.” Tashigi smiles at you brightly, which makes you smile in return.

Yet there was still one cripiling fear that resurfaced and continues to resurface no matter how hard you try to forget it.

You remembered what Kid said when you told him that the Straw Hats would save you. The rage in his eyes, when those words slipped from your lips, made you fear for any future you might have that didn’t involve Kid. If he made a statement about the Straw Hats without a second thought, would he do the same to G-5? He’s violent in general, but you can’t imagine how violent everything would get if he got his hands on the people who helped you hide from him.

“What should I do though? What if I really am pregnant?” Tashigi was quiet as she thought about how to answer.

“Would it look like him? Have his facial features or hair? Could it look like me?”

“I don’t know. Only time will tell if or when the baby arrives.” You lay your head on her shoulder as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. 

“We’re stopping at an island tomorrow to gather supplies. We could go to the hospital there to see what the fully certified doctors have to say.”

“What about the bounty on me from Kid?”

“We can disguise you? I’m sure we can try to hide as many identifiers as possible.”

“I guess. Let’s hope that it works.”

~~~

Sitting still, you let Tashigi mess with your appearance. The two of you have been in her cabin for what felt like forever just to disguise you. She had you put on one of her long-sleeved shirts under your Marine uniform to hide the scars along your arms.  

“What if we put a small part of your hair in front of your eye/scar to hide it? It’ll look a little weird, but it’d be less eye-catching than a bandage.”

“Alright, sounds good.” The two of you stand up and begin to make your way to the ship’s deck.

It was a beautiful day outside when you left her cabin. The sun shined down and watched you walk beside Tashigi as you passed the rest of G-5, who were getting ready to grab supplies. Your legs feel weak as you struggle to walk down the ramp. The sound of bustling passerby’s and the talking of the crew from behind you only makes your nervousness worse. The overwhelming feeling of anxiety swallowed you whole as you finally stepped foot off the dock and onto the green grass. Hearing your shoes glide against the grass for the first time since Sabaody made a small upturn of your lip. A tiny ray of happiness in the dark of your anxiety and fear. 

“Look mom! It’s the Marines!” Looking to your right, you see a small boy and his mother. He tugged on his mom's arm to try and bring her closer to you and Tashigi. The boy held such a cute smile as he ran up to you.

“I wanna become a Marine! I can fight and kick pirate's butt!” His eyes held such a bright light that it was impossible not to be as smiley as him. Crouching down slightly, you watch as the little boy rolls on his heels.

“Is that so? Are you sure you got what it takes, little man? Are you brave enough to also fight the weather?”

“I’m brave! I’m not afraid of anything! The weather is nothing!” The little boy’s excitement made your heart skip a few beats. For a living being so small, he has so much happiness and life inside him.

“Tell ya what, come back in a few years, and we’ll be happy to have you join.”

“Why not now?” A cute pout played against the boy's face.

“To get stronger, of course! Plus, wouldn’t you miss your mommy if we let you come with us?” the boy turns around to see his mom smiling at him. He ran to her and wrapped himself around her. He said something, but it was muffled by his mother's clothes.

“Thank you for giving him a second of your time. I bet you guys are busy, so we should be off. Do you wanna say goodbye to the Marines, baby?” Lifting his face from his mother's clothes, he waves to you and Tashigi with the cutest smile.

“Byyee...” You both walk in different directions after waving back, the sound of the giddy child ringing in your ears.

“Said like a true Marine.”

“Best pirate Marine the world has ever seen.” You whisper rhyme, and it only makes Tashigi laugh.

“I think you’ll be okay (Y/N).” She whispered back, making you turn to look at her.

“Huh?”

“I think you’ll be okay. You seem good with children. Your caring personality really shows.”

“OH! Well, that's only one child! Plus, I might not actually be pregnant! The universe might have just wanted to scare me…” Laughing awkwardly, you think about what the doctor and their tests would say.

While making your way to the hospital, it seemed like you passed by every child on the island. Kids from 13 all the way to infants. All of them with happy parents giving them the love they deserve. The joyful giggles made a small smile crack along your lips. 

Yet, it soon disappeared as you unconsciously put your hand to your stomach. All those children with happy lives with healthy caring parents. If you really were pregnant, the child’s life would be nothing like the ones living on this island. It’d be constantly on the run along side you. That can’t be healthy for a baby right?

“Looks like we’re here.” The big sign saying ‘HOSPITAL’ made you swallow the lump in your throat as you walked through the front doors right beside Tashigi.

It seemed like everyone and their grandma was here today. Almost the entire waiting room was full. You get in line behind a man and wait for your turn as Tashigi goes and sits down. Once it got to your turn though, you feel your hands start to sweat.

“Hi, welcome to Halyard Island Hospital. What can I do for you today, Marine?”

“Oh, um, think I might be pregnant, but I want a doctor to check it out before I jump to any conclusions.” The receptionist started typing before she asked for your birthday and name. You start to internally freak out before remembering that you don’t have any records on yourself. Why not just give her a fake name and date of birth?

“(....) (......) is my name and my birth date is (.........).”

“Alright, you're good to go. Have a seat, and the doctor will be with you as soon as possible.” Giving a small nod, you go sit next to Tashigi, who has started to read a magazine.

“What are you reading?”

“Judging the ugly fashion choices.” You let out a snort, hearing her words.

“Didn’t know I was in the presence of a fashion designer. Mind if I judge with you to learn your skills?” 

“I’m feeling generous, so I guess I can take in an apprentice.” The two of you laugh as you look down at the magazine. It was refreshing to have a small burst of silliness instead of fear and panic.

It felt like twenty minutes before your ‘name’ was called. Your heart beats against your ribs as you and Tashigi follow the doctor. The world seemed to spin as you walked along the halls. The familiar nausea you’ve been having coming back.

‘My luck is nonexistent.’ Holding the wall, you try to walk normally. Thankfully, Tashigi notices and helps you walk to the room. Once entering the room, you sit on the paper-covered bed as Tashigi sits on the chair next to it.

“So it says you think you're pregnant but want a doctor to confirm it?”

“Yes.” Sitting down at the computer, the doctor starts to give you a check-up.

“When’s the last time you had intercourse?” You can feel your face burn, and Tashigi lets out a snort. 

“Two or three months ago? I believe?”

“Did you have your cycle during that?”

“Mine can be irregular, so I thought nothing of it at first, but it’s been a week since it should have started, and nothing has happened.”

“Okay. Any symptoms? Nausea, fatigue, frequent trips to the bathroom, weird food cravings, body ache, anything like that?” Listing them out, the doctor said them in the most calming way. She’s probably dealt with people like you, coming and going all the time.

“All of the above, except for the food cravings.”

“Yet.”

“Yet.” You snap your head to Tashigi, who’s smiling at you while holding back a giggle as she tries to make you laugh. Even the doctor let out a quiet laugh.

“Well, we have tests that we can use cause while it sounds like you could be pregnant, it’s better to be sure.”

“What kind of tests?”

“Blood and urine. The urine one is usually more correct and takes less time.”

“Alright. That one, then.”

~~~

The doctor had left to bring the sample to the lab, leaving you and Tashigi alone again. You lay against the bed and stare at the ceiling.

“What should I do if it’s positive? The sea is no place for a child to grow. Especially the New World.”

“You have months to think about it if you are. Don’t overwhelm yourself, and think about it all right now.” Tashigi was probably right, but it still scratched away at your mind.

“Do you want to be pregnant?”

“No. If it was another man’s baby, then maybe. But we both know whose child it’d be if I am.” Tashigi stays silent and lets you talk.

“A child deserves a happy home. With loving parents. Not someone like me. I already have so much shit to deal with from what happened, and adding a child to the mix wouldn’t be fair to them. Having a mother who has problems all the way to the ozone layer.” Just as Tashigi goes to speak, a knocking interrupts her.

“The test results came back.” The doctor's voice had you holding your breath as your heart jumped in suspense.

“And?” Sitting on the edge of your seat, you both look at the doctor.

“It’s positive! Congratulations! Your gonna be a mother!” You knew the doctor didn’t know your story, so you're not mad at her happy news delivery. Instead of what felt like a punch to the chest, was an overload of feelings. To many to name, so all you can do is let the tears start pouring harshly.

Your sobs didn’t shock the doctor, so you thought she must have concluded that you were crying tears of joy. Which they definitely weren’t. Each tear felt like battery acid sliding down your skin. This was supposed to be a happy moment. This was supposed to be a moment shared with your fiance. You were supposed to be crying tears of joy next to them, happy that you can finally have a family with the person you love.

But once again, this was just another moment in your life ruined by the man who took everything from you. Even when you were away from him, he always somehow had a way to remind you that you're never free of him. No matter where you go, he’ll always be next to you. In your mind or in person was for the universe to decide. And now, it decided that it wasn’t done with you just yet.

~~~

Walking out of the hospital, you're silent as you walk next to Tashigi. The doctor had given you a bag of things to help you on your ‘journey.’ Little things like booklets on what to expect, recommended medical items safe for mother and child, things to watch out for, and more. Didn’t help she gave you a bag with a pacifier on it. 

“You okay? You’ve been quiet since we left.”

“Just wondering what the fuck I’m gonna do. Not to mention when Vice Admiral Smoker finds out-”

“There's no need to worry. Everything will be okay.” Before you can respond, countless footsteps come running toward you. Looking up, you see some of G-5 rushing their way to the both of you. It caused a gust of wind to come rushing through and slightly move the hair covering your facial scar. Leaving it visible to the world.

“Shit.” You quickly try to cover it up and act normal, hoping no one saw you in your split second of weakness.

“Marines! What’s going on?”

“Pirates were seen sailing up to the docks! The others and Vice Admiral Smoker are there as we speak!”

“Alright, let’s go take them down! Contact the others and tell them we’ll be there as fast as we can!”

“Right away-” The Marines stop their words as their eyes train in on the bag in your hand. You can see the gears turning in their heads before it finally clicks. They all gasp and point to the bag like children.

“Stop pointing! We’ll talk about that when we leave the island! Contact Smoker!”

“Uh, right! Yes, Captain!” Everyone, including you, started running towards the docks to back up the Vice Admiral.

~~~

You don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been staring at yourself in the mirror, but it was enough time for you to grip the edge of the bathroom sink and try to calm your breathing. 

It was difficult to look at yourself in the mirror. The person staring back at you wasn’t someone you recognized. The scar that covered your face laughed at you endlessly, as well as the ones on your arm that were currently visible while in your uniform.

You try to imagine yourself before the raid. Before the Straw Hats, before the scars, and before Kid. Would past you even know who you are? Would your fiance still love you if they saw you like this and were still alive? Still love you and all the mental, physical, and emotional damage you’ve received? And even after knowingly carrying another person's child despite it being out of your control?

Would anyone love you?

Who would want a broken doll when they can just buy a new one? Without all the cracks and damage it’s received along its journey? Not to mention, who’d want a doll with an ‘owner’ willing to kill anyone who touches what’s his?

People would be afraid to even get close to you, let alone love you. What sane person would dare love something that could get them killed? Why love something that can’t go one day without crying or trembling when a certain thing is said or done? Why love someone who carries the child of the devil himself?

The sound of tears hitting the sink brought you back to the present. Your breathing was ragged as you tried to calm yourself down so no one would hear your sobs. Biting your lip, you look at your teary face in the mirror. Your hands shake as your knuckles turn white from how hard you were gripping the sink. But even through your blurry vision, your eye caught sight of the bag on the counter that the doctor had given you earlier that day.

“This shouldn’t be how you come into the world. You should be able to grow up carefree with a stable parent. Not me, who can’t even go one night without waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares. A child shouldn’t have to move from place to place just to make sure his crazy father won’t kidnap him and his mom. I’m so sorry that I’m going to be the one you call mother. Please forgive me…” Quiet hiccups and sobs bounce off the walls and can be heard from outside the bathroom door. Even trying your best to be silent, your woeful cries caught the attention of your comrades.

“Man, this is kinda painful to hear. She’s being really hard on herself.”

“Never thought I’d feel bad for a pirate yet here i am.”

“What will those Straw Hats think?” Hushed whispers were exchanged among the Marines before all went silent as soon as a shadow of a man loomed over them.

KNOCK KNOCK

Wiping your tears and shoving down yoru emotions, you grab your bag before opening the door.

“Sorry for being so long I-”

“Is it true, rookie?” Vice Admiral Smoker’s voice made your stomach drop. Did Tashigi tell him? Or at least tried to?

“Vice Admiral Smoker! I didn’t know you’d-”

“Is it true?” You looked up at him, and all you could do was nod as you tried to hold back the rest of the emotions you shoved away moments ago. But it didn’t matter. He could see your trembling lips and glassy eyes.

“So Tashigi was right.”

“I’m so sorry, Vice Admiral! I promise I’ll still do everything you want! Please don’t kick me off the ship! I’ll still fight in battles, anything you want I’ll still do!” Your begging only caused pity to fill Smokers body. Watching you beg for a simply a place of refuge confirmed that you were indeed pregnant. Normally, he’d never let a pregnant woman on his ship. A pregnant pirate nonetheless, but were you even a pirate? That ‘bounty’ ad wasn’t a government issued one, the whole world thinks almost everyone died on your island, including you. They basically have no record of your existence except the ad that Kid had put up for you. And based on what he’s observed, you seemed perfectly contempt when you lived as a civilian before everything went down. You simply feel like you owe your life to the Straw Hats. It’d probably be the same way if it was the Marines that saved you the first time. But they wouldn’t have let you get kidnapped again, but there was nothing that could change the past.

“I’m not gonna kick you off. You're not going out fighting pirates, but everything else will stay the same. Not going easy on you just cause you're pregnant.” He could see the relief fill your eyes at his words.

“Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you!”

“Now quit your crying and go to the dining hall. Foods done.” Sniffling a bit, you smile as you make your way to the dining hall. While it didn’t soothe all your worries, knowing you’d be safe here and Smoker would let you stay helped soothe those knawing thoughts.

~~~

The day was going great so far, no bad weater in sight, clear skies and the breakfast for the day was your favorite! You did have to tell everyone the news about your pregnancy and while it was hard, they all seemed very supportive. No one treated you differently after hearing the news which you greatly appreciated. The last thing you wanted to be reminded of was being pregnant. It’s easier for everyone in the world if it only stayed between you and G-5.

“Uh (Y/N)? Have you seen today's paper?” Another Marine came up to you with the paper in hand.

“No? Is something wrong? Did Kid up the bounty again?” 

“Not exactly…” Handing you the paper, you open it with a questioning look. But as soon as your eyes scan the front page, they blow wide open.

“What?!”

~~~~

“Kid! Open the door!” The first mate of the Kid pirates banged on the metal door of his Captain's workshop. When the paper bird had delivered the daily paper, he expected the paper to be as bland as it has been the past few months. Same old, same old. That was until he looked at the front page of the paper. Instead of the bounty ad, there was a picture. A fresh picture of you.

‘Eustass Kid’s Darling, (L/N) (Y/N), Spotted on Halyard Island?’

He didn’t even read the article that accompanied it before making a dash to his friends workshop. This was finally a clue as to where you might be. Finally something to get Kid to shut the fuck up and prevent him from destroying more things in fits of rage.

“Fucking christ Killer! What do you want?!” As soon as the red-headed man opened the door, the newspaper was shoved into his chest.

“Look at the front page.” Scoffing, Kid uncrumples the paper, giving his friend a quick glare. But Killer could see the insane glee in his eyes when he read the front page.

‘The woman the entire New World has been looking for has finally been spotted! She was last seen leaving a hospital on Halyard Island disgused as a Marine! Unknown whether its a real Marine uniform or not. A gust of wind blew her hair away which hid her facial scar, making it visible for the world to see and identify her! Let’s not forget what she seems to have clutched tightly in her hand! Could this mean the cruelest pirate of the worst generation might be a father? Only time can tell.’

“Of course, it’s the fucking Marines who hid her! Always getting in my damn business. Killer! Set course to Halyard Island!”

“Already told Wire on my way here.”

“Good. Board and search any Marine ships we see on the way there. If the Marines are hiding her, then we can’t take chances and let them slip past us.”

“You do know what this means, right?”

“Yeah, I get what’s mine back.” Killer hit the back of Kid’s head.

“Ow! What the fuck?!”

“It means pull your head out of your ass! If it’s true, if (Y/N) is pregnant, that means you're going to be a dad. Any enemies other than the Marines will want to kidnap and hurt (Y/N) and your possible unborn child. We already knew the risks of putting out the ad. It's to let our enemies know that you have a weakness. But now she could be in even more danger when pregnant. We need to get her before she gives birth understand?” Rubbing the back of his head, Kid realized Killer was right. Your safety was in danger even more now that his enemies knew that you might be pregnant. Not to mention, what are the Marines gonna do with you and his child?

The thought of him being a father finally hit him a full force when he invisioned the moment he got his hands on you again. He’d get to see your belly grow with something the both of you created. The child would be the thing that keeps you with him forever.

~~~

“Do these journalists not have any souls?! Who would want to snitch on an escapee?! Truly heartless.” Tashigi rubbed your back as you cried into your hands. How could your luck grow so sour?

“I knew I shouldn’t have taken that dumb bag! Now the whole New World knows about this stupid fucking child!” Tashigi lets out a sigh. 

“I’m sorry. It’s no one’s fault this happened except the person who took the picture. Not yours or the unborn baby.” Wrapping your arms around your tummy, you sniffle. 

“I’m sorry. I just…This should be an experience I share with someone I love. I should be talking about baby things with joy and eating gross, a combination of random food, not fearing for my and the baby’s safety twenty-four-seven. I should be able to sleep without having nightmares about their father's eyes.” Tashigi stays quiet as she continues to try and soothe your troubled mind.

“What if they look alike? What if the baby’s a spitting image of him?” 

“You’ll be able to turn them into something Kid isn’t. Make them kind and loving. Have them be the person Kid can never be. It’ll be like starting a new. They aren’t just Kid’s child. They’ll also be yours.” Rubbing your eyes, you nod in agreement, trying to convince yourself that what she spoke was true.

“You're right. Thank you, Tashigi.”

~~~

Hours later and your still thinkning about Tashigi’s words. How the small thing growing inside you wasn’t just Kid’s, it was yours too. You had the power to make sure that the insanity ends with Kid. 

But even with her words, your heart and soul still burned in rage and sadness. Knowing that the child you thought you’d be raising happily with your fiance was in fact the offspring of satan himself. A product of lies and bloodied hands.

An eerie sense of lonliness surrounds you making yoru skin prickle and the tips of your fingers tingling. You run your hands along your upper arms to try and warm yourself, maybe to even stimulate a hug. Just something that could make you feel less alone.

Even though you have the G-5, you still felt like you were fighting alone. Why couldn’t you have just gone home and have your mom and dad still be alive? Waiting for you on the porch, your fiance running out from the house to pick you up and twirl you around. Kissing you repeatedly and crying out how much they loved and missed you.

Yet, even with all the crying, pleading, and denial, you know that you’ll never feel your fiance’s touch again. Never hearing your parents telling you how much they love you. You couldn’t even remember what they looked like or sounded like anymore. Cause all you see and hear is him.

Even in your day dreams he was there. Invading every part of your mind. You could be imaging how you used to dance with your fiance, only for kid to take his place. He’d grab you and hold you close while laughing. Forcing you to dance his macrabe seranade.

You could feel tears slide down your skin as you now realize its no longer your fiance’s touch that your body craves, it’s his. Those times where he’d envelop you in his coat while he held you. Times where his kisses were nothing but burns along your body.

Clenching your fists tight, you feel the feelings you tried so hard to destroy resurface. How can five months of amensia battle against two years of pure hatred? What did Kid magically do that made you fall in love with him? Why was there still that sliver in your heart that made you miss him? After all he’s done to you, why does your body still miss his touch? Why did your heartbeat quicken every time you remember how he gently ran his fingers through your hair when he was drunk and starting to pass out?

Curling up in a fetal position, you just silently cry yourself to sleep as you wished for the positive feelings for Kid would decay and disappear.

A low hum woke you open from your sleep as your eyes flutter open. The blur quickly leaving and you see a familiar room. A smile slips across your lips while you move your hand behind you. The feeling of silky hair touching your fingertips made you sigh as you softly started to run your fingers through it.

You just then notice the arms around you tighten and a kiss being placed on the crook of your neck.

“Morning, baby. Did you sleep well?” Groaning into your skin, you feel his words vibrate against your neck.

“Slept fine.” More kisses were pressed along your skin, which made your cheeks burn up.

“Dream about anything?”

“No.”

“Well, I dreamt about you.” Turning to look over your shoulder, you see amber eyes staring back at you. Red hair slightly brushing against your jaw.

“Better have been good.” You maneuver your body to the point you're facing him. Placing your hands on his face, you chuckle.

“I dreamt about kissing this pretty face of yours.” A red hue covered the man’s cheeks as he looked at you wide-eyed.

“Aw, Eustass ‘Captain’ Kid is blushing! You're so cute when you blush.”

“I’m not cute shut up.”

“No.” You started placing kisses on each freckle that adorned his face. The heat of his cheeks were hitting your lips as he lays there frozen. With each kiss, you couldn’t help but giggle. You wished you were wearing lipstick just so you could see his face covered in pretty (color) lipstick. When you pulled away, almost his entire face was as red as his hair.

“Sappy little shit.” Pushing your face to his chest, Kid lays his own on top of yours. Being surrounded by his presence only, you felt safe in his arms. You can feel him hug you a little tighter.

“I’m not going anywhere. No need to smush me.” Laughing, you kiss his chest, only for Kid’s arms to tighten around you even more. It started to hurt as you couldn’t move. His strong arms pressing harshly against your ribs. 

“Um Kid? Your squeezing kinda hard and it hurts. Do you think you can lighten up a bit?” Instead of loosening his grip, Kid only tightens his arms around you more. It felt like a python was constricting you. The pressure felt like it was gonna break your bones.

“Kid! You're really hurting me! Please stop!” Pushing and squirming, you desperately try to escape Kid’s killing grip.

“How dare you think you can fucking leave me? Do you think I won’t follow you! Find you? You can never fucking leave me!” With your heart dropping to your stomach, you try to pinpoint his behavior. What the hell is he talking about?

“What are you talking about?! I’m right here! I haven’t left!” Just then, a SNAP could be heard, and a brutal pain was felt in your chest. He must have broken a rib cause the pain was unbelievable.

“I’ll kill everyone who takes you away from me. Those worthless Straw Hats and those puny G-5 Marines. No one takes what’s fucking mine.” More pressure is applied to your body, and it feels as if more bones are quietly cracking. It was starting to feel like your ribs were stabbing your lungs, making it hard to breathe.

“What are you talking about?! Who are you talking about?!” Fear coursed through your veins as you looked up at Kid. Your eyes widened, seeing the pure madness that swirled inside his eyes. With as much strength as you can, you try to use your devil fruit powers to electrify him just in hopes of getting him off. There was a quiet crackling before a loud ZAP was heard, and you see Kid jump back and fall to the floor off the bed.

Without a seconds waste, you jump out of bed and run out of the bedroom. Yet the second you open and close the door, your blood freezes at the sight your met with. Fire, smoke and black silouttes staring right at you.

“(Y/N)!” You didn’t have time to question. You had to run now. With fear coursing through your veins and electric static slithering along your body, you ran past the silhouettes and into the fire and smoke.

The heat and smoke made it difficult to breathe but the broken rib hurt more yet here you were running as fast as you can. It caught you off guard when you started hearing voices coming from the silouttes. No, not voices, screams. High pitched screams started playing from each direction. Women’s, children’s, and men’s screams were all around you. Not even covering your ears stopped the loud horrific screaming. It sounded like they were in horrific pain and agony. Begging to be free from this etneral hell their suffering.

“Running can only get you so far (Y/N)!” Still covering your ears, you try to zone out his words. The broken rib causes excruciating pain as you run away faster. Who was this man chasing you? Where was your Kid? This couldn’t be him!

A baby crying has you uncovering your ears and your eyes widening. In these flickering flames and deblilitating smoke a baby was crying! You move to the sound of the crying baby, hoping it wasn’t hurt. Running through the flames, you look desperatly, trying to find it before the flames got to it. The flames were already licking at your uncovered skin so you couldn’t imagine what it’s doing to a baby’s sensitive skin.

Finally you see a bassonett right in the middle of a ring of fire. Small hands reaching out trying to grab anything. Running to the bassonett, you bend down and quickly to see the baby in it. But the moment you see the baby’s face, your blood goes cold.

There was no face.

Watching in shock and horror as the baby continued to cry out. It had no mouth how was it crying? Reaching out with a shaky hand you gently touch the baby’s chunky finger. It wrapped it’s little hand around your finger and you could hear it’s cry’s start to stop.

The heavy sound of Kid’s footsteps  quickly reminded you of your situation. Without another thought, you grab the bundled up baby and begin to run. The cries soon resumed as you run through the fire and smoke. The screams of the silouttes got louder with every step you took. You tried to cover the baby’s ears to protect it from the screaming. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, no need to cry, little one. We’ll be okay, alright? You’ll be okay.” Five fingers touched your scalp before the burning pain of your hair being pulled surged through your body. You were pulled back before falling on your butt. Opening your eyes, you try to see if the baby is okay, only to see it’s gone. Not in your arms, around you, and now its cries were gone. Like it never existed.

“Caught you, princess. Now let’s go.” Now it was your turn to scream as you tried to untangle his fingers from your hair.

“No! Let me go! Why are you acting like this?!” You feel Kid lift you to your feet, making you look up at him with watery eyes and a trembling bottom lip. He gives you a grin before responding.

“Oh, princess.” Moving his mouth to your ear, he whispers,

“I’ve always been like this.”

Your eyes blow open as you wake up in a cold sweat. Quickly sitting up, you move your head back and forth, preparing to see smoke and flames. Yet, to your delight, you were just met with the rest of the G-5 Marines, sleeping in their bunks peacefully. Placing your hand over your heart, you can feel your heart beat faster than ever.

With shaky breaths, you lay back down and stare at the ceiling. You’ve never had that nightmare before. Could it have to do with that you now know your pregnant you’ll start having more of those kinds of nightmares? Nightmares including a baby? Would the baby even have a face in the next dream? You didn’t know and didn’t want to know.

~~~

“I’ve never felt so much mischief fill my bones than right now.”

“It is pretty cool and funny.”

“Pretty funny and cool? It’s fucking awesome! I’ve got actual finger guns! Except they shoot electric shocks instead of bullets.” While training with Vice Admiral Smoker, you pretended to shoot a Marine who was passing by with your fingers, only for a shot of electricity to actually come shooting out of your fingers.

Smoker, you, and the Marine all stood there for a second to try and comprehend what happened before you started hyping yourself up for finding a new move you have. It has you counting how many moves you had and what names you should call them.

“Okay, so I have a move to cover my entire body with electricity. I’ve been able to make a ball of electricity when I focus hard enough and throw it. I got finger guns…and that’s it.” You thought you had more, but you just proved that you still have lots more to learn about your devil fruit capabilities. 

“Try making one of those electricity balls you were talking about.” Smoker's voice breaks through your inner thoughts.

“Of course! I’ve only done it once, so forgive me if it’s bad.” Taking a deep breath, you try to focus all your energy into your hands. If you did it once, you can do it again. Breathing in heavily, you feel the familiar tingling in your fingers.

Sizzling and snapping ring across the deck as you watch your hands do the same thing they did that night Heat told you, you had devil fruit powers. You can see your hands start to shake when the ball finally starts to materialize. Even with the ball being small as it is, it was difficult to make it stable. How did you do it so well the first time is unknown.

Just then, the ball exploded and the electricity shot out in all different directions. Thankfully no one got hurt but you immediately felt bad for putting other people in danger.

“Oh my god, is everyone okay!? I’m so sorry!” Smoker only crossed his arms.

“It’s fine. You might be able to make that a move, but it’s also dangerous to do around people. So practice that alone and do it when you're surrounded by enemies.” Nodding, you look down at your hands and see red burning lines along your skin. It must have been one of the downsides of your devil fruit. But the sound of a squawking paper bird has you looking up. The second you looked up, today’s paper came falling down before hitting you straight in the face.

“Ow! Damn bird!” Rubbing your nose, you grab the newspaper off the ground. Giving the bird the finger, you open the paper, and horror washes over you the moment you read the title.

‘Halyward Island Ransacked and Burned to Ashes by Kid Pirates!’

“What?! No way…” The picture that accompanied it was ruined buildings and smoke still fizzling from the ashes. Its monotone colors make the horror from the singular picture more gut-wrenching.

‘After recent news about Eustass Kid’s darling being spotted on Halyard Island, it seems the man himself decided to make an appearance to take back what’s his. But unfortunately, it seems his darling has already left the island! Some surviving islanders are mad that she came to the island while some don’t blame her. It’s a 50/50 split among the survivors. Will this be a one time thing or will any island be in danger if she’s spotted there?’

Lowering the newspaper, you look down at the ground with tears running down your eyes. You were completely silent as the tears slipped across your skin. Your hands shook as your horrified look tipped off Smoker and the Marine. It didn’t hit you that Smoker had taken the paper from your hands before you heard him cuss.

“What the fuck is this shit?! Ain’t no way they're blaming you for a pirate's insanity!” You see Smoker ripping apart the newspaper before throwing it overboard. He walked over to you with a stern look on his face.

“Listen here (Y/N), what happened on Halyard Island is not your fault. Journalists are all freaks who feed off the misery and suffering of others. Now tell me it isn’t your fault.” Letting out a few sniffles and shaky breaths, you repeat it back to him while wiping your tears.

“...it’s not my fault…”

“I didn’t hear you!”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Again!”

“It’s not my fault!”

“And don’t you forget it! We’re done for today.” Just like that, Smoker turns around and walks away. Leaving you and the Marine there.

“He’s right. It’s not your fault.”

“I should know that, but the guilt is killing me. It felt like I was looking at a picture of my home.”

“Maybe take a nap? Sleeping always makes me feel better, even if it’s just for a second.”

“I guess…” You rub your upper arm to soothe yourself as you make your way to the bunks. While being alone sounds nice to hide and cry, it also sounds horrible. It’d leave you with your toxic thoughts as the words on the paper replay in your mind every single second. You fear how true it was as you remember the little boy who came up to you. Was he okay? He was so sweet. You hoped he knew it wasn’t your fault.

When you made it to your bunk, you collapse on the bed and hold your stomach. A heartbreaking feeling overcomes you as the thought of the little boy getting hurt. He was a simple child, he shouldn’t have to deal with such destruction. Looking down at your tummy, you let out a shaky breath.

“Why can’t I accept it’s not my fault? I even tried disguising myself. If it wasn’t for the small gust of wind, then that island might still be okay.”

“I keep thinking about you and this whole pregnancy thing. I won’t lie to you. I’ve been thinking about once you're in the world, I was gonna put you up for adoption. It’d be better for both of us. I haven’t even met you, but I know you deserve a normal, loving home. A place where you can grow up without worries. A place you can grow up without me.” Your body begins to shake as more tears soon blur your vision. Biting your trembling lip, you try to collect yourself.

“I can’t take care of you. Not when I feel like I’m about to break down any second. I hate your father and want him to keel over and die. My hatred is something I don’t want you to grow up surrounded by. I want you to love the world. You could even try to change it for the better.” The silence after your words makes you let out a pitiful giggle.

“You're not even the size of an oreo, and yet I’m talking to you like you can hear me. God, I probably look so crazy talking to myself. Maybe I am crazy, maybe this is all a dream, and I’ll wake up at home. That’d be insane, huh? Everything I’ve ever known in the past two to three years just gone. And that's another reason why I cannot be your mother. I want that. I want this hell to be a dream. I want to go back to my home. Wake up and realize that this never happened.”

“I cannot be the mother of a child I dream doesn’t exist. I do hope you understand in the far future, why I’m making this decision. Please don’t hate me for it. I just want you to have a childhood so loving that your smile lights up a room. That even the worst of the worst can’t ignore or harm you in any way once they see your smile.”

“And while that smile is not something I can give you, know that I don’t hate you. I just know this is best for you. And what’s best for you…isn’t me.”

~~~

Another art piece lets gooo

[astridellejo]

Kitab - Not Really Anything

So finding out at age 50 that I'm autistic made me just a little grumpy. It would have been nice to have known literally decades earlier. But we didn't know in the 80s what we know today about ADHD and autism. Still, I guess it's nice to know what it is finally.

I knew something was up with my headmeats, because I knew I had ADHD as early as the mid-90s. But did I do anything to mitigate that? I drank a lot of coffee and that was about it. Then in the 2000s I discovered energy drinks. Now I'm back to just coffee. I am currently taking bupropion, which is helpful, but I'm beginning to think that's it's not as effective a drug as I could be taking. (That sentence reads weird. I hope you get what I mean.)

I'd love to have a brain that just lets me do things. Because I have to bargain with my brain, bully it, berate it, beg it to do literally anything. It is so difficult to finish stuff, and extra difficult to finish stuff when it's difficult to start stuff in the first place. Everything I do takes longer than necessary because I have to keep convincing my brain to do the thing. It's so aggravating and demoralizing. So I gotta keep in mind that every accomplishment I do manage to make, no matter how trivial, is an achievement worth celebrating.

Me: "Yay! I did the thing!" Also me: "Good for you. Do you want a sticker?" Me again: "Don't get snarky."

Comic transcription below the fold:

1. [I lean on the sink and look at my reflection.] In my youth, people often told me I had so much potential to become somebody. Like a famous artist or something. But I have never been able to live up to this potential. Now, decades later, I understand why. For a while I thought it was Borderline Personality Disorder. But I found out what it actually is.

2. [I hold my fists up. Above each is a figure: the ADHD Creature and the Autism Creature.] It turns out one can be ADHD and autistic at the same time. That's a hard-hitting one-two punch that makes everything I try to do much more difficult and frustrating.

3. [Behind me are some folks. Two are chatting. Another two are flirting. I cannot tell the difference.] It's why I don't understand how people work. For example, I always misinterpret social cues.

4. [Around me are examples of hobbies and projects I've abandoned or left unfinished. I look very sad/frustrated.] Vintage computers; making videos for my YouTube channel; belly dance (and dance in general); my graphic novel; my homebuilt electronic wind instrument (and music-making in general); volleyball (specifically sand court) It's why I abandon hobbies and never finish what few projects my executive dysfunction actually allows me to start.

5. [I cry out in anguish as the tag on my tee shirt drives me insane.] It's why I sometimes lose my shit over something completely trivial. Like an itchy tag irritating the back of my neck.

6. [Finger guns to my reflection.] I am AuDHD. It's not a bug. It's a feature. Which is fine, I guess. I'd definitely rather be autistic than borderline.

7. [I glare over my shoulder into the camera.] I'm 50 years old now. I've always been like this. It's not going to change. I'm fundamentally dysfunctional.

8. On the bright side, I guess I don't need to feel pressured to try and become someone anymore. Because now I know that's probably not even possible. [Text on each side of my face: Certified Nobody]