#even exercising (you know... the ONE thing i was told could help my main disability- ehlers danlos syndrome) can make it worse

[caffeinatedopossum]

I think I'm starting to accept that I actually will be in pain for the rest of my life. It's going to get worse and worse and I'll never be able to do normal things or hold onto the naive hope that I'll find a way to "overcome" my body. I'm disabled and in pain and I will be until the day I die

[asexual-abomination]

Getting better Pt. 1

Platonic!Yandere!Sephiroth x Autistic!Physically disabled! Reader

Hello I am back with something and idk if it’s very good but this whole thing was lodged in my brain so I needed to spit it out.

Also the whole elevator scene is almost directly taken from a one shot I once read on here that I cannot find for the life of me. I really wanted to get this out but I also want ask the original writer if they’re okay with me using their idea. If anyone recognises the idea and can send me the original link that’d be great!

CW: single use of the r-slur, if I’m missing anything please let me know!

Oh and also the reader’s physical disability in this is based on my own irl one - I don’t use mobility aids just yet, but I end up in lots of pain very quickly and have to wear joint braces, especially on my legs.

As always, I’m not a professional writer, I have no formal education in writing whatsoever, so any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Hope you enjoy reading!

—//—

You pull yourself up towards the bar, every joint in your body squealing out in pain, despite this being your first exercise of the evening. You had thought, naively, that lifting your own body weight should be doable, especially since it took pressure off of your legs, where the pains were worst. You were clearly mistaken, your entire upper body now just in hot agony.

But you couldn’t quit. Not now, not as you were barely beginning.

You said you’d get ten reps in, so you were going to get ten reps in.

The complete silence of the Shinra employee gym gave you confidence to speak aloud, trying to keep yourself hyped for the exercise.

“One… T-two… ah! Ow! Three…”

“Your form is awful.”

The voice was calm, buttery smooth and deep, with a lilt of confidence that told you this man knew what he was talking about.

“Oh… so how do I do it right then?” The question was asked with an unappealing grunt as you dropped from the bar, listening to the sound of footsteps covering the ground towards you.

Once you realised the man was standing over your shoulder, you stiffened, not having actually expected him to come over and help.

“The main problem is your balance, you need to pull your legs with you, and use your core too. This one is a full body workout, not just for the arms.”

Damn it.

“Ah, that makes sense… do you have any recommendations for arms then? I’m kinda new to this whole thing.” You spoke with a nervous chuckle, turning around to look at your newfound companion.

He was tall, with gorgeous long silver hair that floated past his wide, muscular shoulders, covered with a beige, blank tank top. He was, objectively, attractive as hell. Even without feeling that way, you knew what society found sexy and you could appreciate the aesthetic beauty of this man. You swore you knew him from somewhere.

You hoped you weren’t too visibly flustered by the closeness that you had only just recognised, taking a nervous step back while you awaited his answer.

“I’d say a beginner should start at the beginning. If you want to work out your arms, use the lighter weights, just over there.”

He gestured over towards the weight section, where there was a rack of dumbbells of many sizes, including ones so tiny you wondered if they even classified as weights.

“That’s… a good idea,” You laughed, “I guess I just wanted to throw myself in at the deep end.” You joked, keeping the mood light as you trailed over to where he had directed.

Looking over the selection of weights, you decided to go with second lightest pair, which made your elbows creak, but you grit your teeth and moved over to the seating so you could get back off your feet. The man had followed you to the same section, but he seemed to be preparing an ungodly amount of weights into what you assumed was a bench press.

“So…” You pulled your left arm up with the weight, following a diagram on the wall, “Why are you down here? So late at night, I mean?” You specifically chose to come here so that you wouldn’t have to be seen, so you supposed you may as well pick this guy’s brain if he would be annoying you.

“The SOLDIER training facility can only be kept open for so long each day, so I thought I’d get in some regular exercise too.” He still hadn’t finished loading up the weights, and you were a bit concerned by what he considered ‘regular’ exercise.

“You’re a SOLDIER? I guess that makes sense, I’ve probably seen you on the news or something.” You were on your fourth rep, and your left elbow was crying out for a break.

“What?”

“I just thought you looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it, so I’ve probably just seen you around.”

“How interesting…” He spoke with a chuckle, “And who are you, hmm?”

“I’m YN, I just work in the analytics department. Who are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“You really don’t know?”

“Should I?”

“Sephiroth. My name is Sephiroth.”

“That’s… a lovely name.” You remembered a bit clearer now, hearing about a first-class SOLDIER on the news by that name. How funny that you got to meet him in real life.

“What about you? Why are you working out so late at night?”

“I was sort of hoping I could be alone… I already said, I’m new to this, so, I didn’t want to embarrass myself.”

“That’s not the best idea, you know. You should have someone mentor you, make sure you don’t hurt yourself while you’re just starting out.”

He finally seemed satisfied with the amount of weight on the bar, as you began reps with your right arm. You wondered if the bar was actually strong enough to hold all that.

“Well, I don’t think anyone would want to mentor me, it’d probably be quite the hassle since I’ve got no idea what I’m doing.” You explained, not expecting an answer.

“I could always help you.”

That took you by surprise, surely a SOLDIER, especially a first-class one would be far too busy to help out someone like you, but at the same time, who were you to turn such an offer down?

Your only response ended up being a bewildered laugh, finishing up your reps before looking around and trying to decide on the next best course of action.

Sephiroth also went quiet, the look on his face was tense, deep in thought.

“I mean it. Perhaps it’s odd, but I find it’s useful to follow my impulses. Besides, they say a true master must be able to teach.”

“I guess that makes sense, alright then, what should I try now?”

—//—

“So, are you from Midgar?” Sephiroth offered a gentle hand hosting over your leg as he showed you how to lift yourself on the bar, as you had decided to return to the difficult exercise.

It had been a few weeks since you had come under Sephiroth’s wing, meeting him at dead of night in the gym several nights a week, so you trusted him enough to give an honest answer.

“Nah, only moved here a year ago, I assume you’re Midgar born and raised?”

“But of course.” He said with a soft smirk, walking away once he was satisfied that you were on form. “Why did you come here? Given the war with Wu Tai and Avalanche, it’s not exactly a dream home, wouldn’t you say?”

“I came here for the same reasons most anyone comes here, work and medicine. I think this place is quite the dream home honestly, I’ve got everything I need.”

You lifted yourself with a grunt, having stopped caring about how you sounded a while ago.

“Medicine? Who do you need medicine for?”

“Myself! Is that not obvious?” You laughed at what felt like an insane question from the SOLDIER.

“You don’t seem sick… have you recovered?”

What a strangely genuine question.

“Have you seen me?! My body is a wreck, honestly!” You raised your arms incredulously, showing off what you considered the state of your body, while not visibly broken, internally felt ruined.

He gave you nothing more than an odd look, turning away.

“I mean it! There’s a reason I struggle so much to exercise, I’m not just lazy.” You defended yourself, believing that he was judging you.

—//—

You were stumbling through the throng of people standing by the elevator, wondering why no one was stepping inside since the stairs were a death sentence.

When you saw Sephiroth standing inside, you scoffed, walking in before hitting the button for the 36th floor. You noticed that he was heading to the 58th floor, where the Turks did most of their office work.

The doors slid closed as you turned around and stood at his side, letting out a long suffering sigh once you were out of view of others.

“What a day…” You sighed, truly and deeply tired, but hoping you could turn this into some kind of friendly banter between technical coworkers.

“It’s 8:30 in the morning.” He turned to you with what you thought was a lighthearted smile, which quickly became a frown. “Has something happened?”

“My boss… yeah, my boss happened!” You laughed, to keep the sourness out of your tone. “He just turned up like half an hour before the end of my shift yesterday, dumped a whole week’s worth of work on me, then told me he wanted it done by today! I spent four whole hours in overtime, but it’s still not done.” You sighed again, the reality of the situation setting in.

“This… this might be the last time we ever see each other.”

“What do you mean, over one mistake?” He seemed incredulous.

“My boss has been looking for a reason to fire me since he met me. He thinks I’m a drag on the company.”

At that, he merely hummed in response, turning away and quite efficiently ending the conversation.

You cursed yourself internally for making things awkward and annoying Sephiroth. You hadn’t intended to upset your silver-haired friend, only to state what you knew was true about your workplace.

At the 33rd floor, the elevator rumbled to a stop and opened its doors to reveal your boss.

“You.”

The second he turned his eyes on you, anger spilled clearly into his entire body language. He didn’t move from his place in the doorway, preventing the elevator doors from closing as he began to rant angrily.

“You’ve put the whole upstairs office in chaos! I can’t believe this! I give you one simple task and you fuck it up! This is why we shouldn’t keep retards like you in the office, you hold everyone back!” He growled out, taking a breath and giving you a chance to respond.

“Sir -I- the task was, um, far beyond my capabilities, especially in such a short time-“

“Shut up! You’ve done nothing but irritate me since you got here, go and pack your shit! I can’t wait to get rid of your pathetic ass!”

You breathed heavily, digging your nails into your arms as you held back ugly tears, not wanting to seem more pitiful than you already were.

“Right- right awa-“ You began, your mind racing with thoughts and plans of what the fuck you could do next, where you could go, who you might have to get help from, when you were suddenly reminded of Sephiroth’s presence next to you.

He took one, two, three long, heavy strides towards the elevator door, grabbed your boss by the arm and uttered two simple words.

“Get out.”

Your boss, shocked, stumbled back into the open entryway of the elevator, before giving you a sharp glance and turning on his heel to run. As the doors closed once more, you cleared your throat through your tears.

“Thanks, Seph.” A nickname that very few were allowed to call him. “There was no - no need for that though. I’m still fired, either way. But I guess it’s nicer to not be dealing with him anymore.”

“No you’re not.”

“I’m not? Not what?”

“You’re not fired. I won’t have it.”

“That’s a nice sentiment, Seph, but I don’t think it’s your call to make.”

The doors opened again on your floor, but as you were stepping out, muttering apologies and goodbyes to your friend, he grabbed your arm firmly to halt your words.

“You aren’t leaving me, you’re mine.”

He said it so simply, as if stating scientific fact, before releasing your arm and returning to his full, now suddenly intimidating stature. In your hurry to get out of the elevator before the doors closed, you had no chance to respond.

With the doors closed, you heard the machine whir of the elevator rising and continued to stand dumbfounded for a long moment. Eventually, you stumbled over to your desk, setting out the work you were meant to complete today, all while packing as many miscellaneous items as you could into your bag.

At the end of the day, you returned to your home, provided by Shinra, which you were sure you’d lose within a couple of days.

There was a single letter on the floor inside your door, from the corporation, seemingly sent just today. My eviction notice, you grimly thought.

—//—

Rufus Shinra smirked as he signed the papers before him.

The firing and promotion of some mid-level analytics workers was not usually his business, but today he found himself following the odd request of the greatest SOLDIER to ever live.

In truth, he already had parameters in place to ensure the strange person Sephiroth had set his eyes on would not be leaving the company any time soon, setting them as a useful tool for controlling him.

But what he did not expect was for Sephiroth himself to come to him and request the immediate firing of his new ‘friend’s’ boss, along with a request for said friend to get a promotion that would put them in much more contact with the Turks and SOLDIER departments.

So although the paperwork might have been trivial to some, Rufus, even if confused, took joy in getting one more clasp on the SOLDIER.

—//—

Thanks for reading!

[the-lunar-system]

I’d like to preface this post by saying that I love Stardew Valley. It’s a comfort game, and I have over 500 hours logged on Steam. That being said, as a disabled person, it sometimes makes me very, very upset. Why? Because of  the casual ableism in how it treats George Mullner.

George Mullner is a character in Stardew Valley who uses a wheelchair. He’s an older man, and generally pretty grumpy. He spends most of his time inside his house, watching television. With how the other villagers treat him, I don’t blame him. George later reveals in his six heart cutscene that he uses a wheelchair due to an injury working in the old mines, not because of his age.

So what’s the big deal? There’s a disabled character in the game, isn’t that a good thing? Yes, but. The way that other characters treat George, the only disabled person in the game, is where the trouble comes in.

In Harvey’s two heart cutscene, you walk into George’s house, and accidentally interrupt a house call by the doctor. He is telling George to make some “lifestyle changes,” telling him to reduce sodium and do some moderate exercise with his arms. (George’s sprite indicates that he self propels his wheelchair, which requires a lot of upper body strength. He’s already getting exercise through that.) George responds to Harvey, saying that he knows his own body, and doesn’t appreciate being told what to do with it. Harvey replies that he is a doctor, and spent 8 years in school, and thus he knows what’s best for George. They then notice the player, and George requests your second opinion. Your options are:

A) Tell George to follow Harvey’s advice. This option gets you +40 friendship points with Harvey, and is marked green on the Wiki. It’s obviously the choice the game wants you to make. Harvey reiterates that he is only trying to help, and George capitulates. 

B) Say that George does know his own body. This option gets you -40 friendship points with Harvey. Harvey sighs, and threatens to tell George’s wife on him. George begrudgingly capitulates, and Harvey lectures you for sending his patient mixed messages.

What’s so bad about this? For one, doctors don’t always know best, especially when it comes to their disabled patients. If I had just listened to the first doctor I talked to about my disability, instead of self advocating and getting another, my degenerative condition would have gone undiagnosed and untreated for much longer. Potentially years. As a disabled person myself, I believe George when he says he knows his own body, because I know how wrong doctors can be. 

The other main issue with this cutscene is how infantilized George is. He’s a grown man in his own doctor’s appointment, even if he is making a mistake in not listening to Harvey, he’s a grown man, and entitled to his own choices. But Harvey threatens to tattle to George’s wife about it. He’s treating George like a child, unable to make his own decisions, who has to be “managed” by his more abled partner. 

The second ableist cutscene is Penny’s two heart cutscene, and in my opinion, this one is much worse. In it, George is checking his mailbox. He tries to reach a letter wedged in the back, and has some difficulty. He asks himself how he is going to reach it. Penny sees him, and comes over. She grabs his wheelchair and pushes him out of the way, grabbing the letter for him. George gets upset at Penny for treating him like he’s helpless. At this point the player comes on screen, and Penny asks if you were watching. The player has three options:

A) Say that no, you were just walking by. This has no effect on friendship.

B) Tell her she did a kind thing. Penny thanks you. This option gives you +50 friendship points, and is marked in green on the Wiki. It is the choice the game wants you to make. 

C) Tell Penny she should have asked George before trying to help. Penny then apologizes to George, but you lose 50 friendship points with her. This is obviously not what the game wants you to do.

Regardless of what option you take, George apologizes to Penny for snapping at her. Penny asks the player what they think about growing old. 

What’s bad about this scene? Well, for starters, by moving George’s wheelchair without consent, Penny commits assault. But George is framed as being unreasonable, because he’s upset that he was physically assaulted. Penny is a great character, and I love her, but in this cutscene she is both legally and morally in the wrong. And while the game does technically give you the option to call her out for it, it’s barely there, and strongly discouraged by gameplay. The real kicker is that this is the new dialogue for this interaction, as changed by the 1.4 update, *in an attempt to make it less ableist.*

Lastly, in George’s six heart event, he expresses quite a bit of internalized ableism. He says he wishes he could get up from “this infernal chair.” He tells the story of how thirty years ago, he was injured in a coal mining accident. There is no option for player interaction.

This cutscene is one that is somewhat more nuanced for me. It is true that some people hate that they’re disabled or need a wheelchair, especially in older generations. Internalized ableism is a real and terrible thing. The issue with it is that George is a fictional character, as written by a real person, who as far as I know is abled. And this is the problem. When a disabled character is written as having internalized ableism by an abled creator, that’s not internalized ableism, that’s just plain ableism. Why is it that almost every disabled character hates themselves or their disability? Why are they always unhappy? 

Why does Stardew Valley have these scenes, and this ableism? Is it somehow important to the plot, or the characters? I don’t think so. And for me, and other disabled people playing the game as a form of escapism, or because the Valley is supposed to be a better place, It’s simply a jarring reminder that the real world hates us.

[deascheck]

A Much Needed Chat

Summary: A/U. The reader is having high anxiety because of an evaluation you’re going to have, and your boyfriend, Lawyer!Sam, takes a break from his work to listen to you and calm you down.

Word Count: 2055

Trigger Warnings: anxiety/panic disorder, medication dependence?, language

A/N: I suffer from depression and anxiety and wanted to write a piece where Sam helps ground the reader (ME!) during a trying time. Please be nice! Feedback and reblogs are amazing! Thank you to the amazing @winchest09 for beta'ing for me!!

Your chest was tight, your breaths shallow and fast. You couldn’t stop thinking about the evaluation. Why the fuck did you have to have a psych evaluation given by the employer you were suing? Truthfully, you knew why. You were pursuing psychological damages from not one, but two workplace accidents. It didn’t make it any easier on you though. In your eyes, this psychologist you were meant to see had been hired by your employer to discredit everything you were going to say.

The more you thought about it, the more your breathing hastened. You wish you hadn’t left your Xanax at Sam’s house. You would give anything to take a few pills right now.

Nothing you were going to be saying to the psychologist was a lie, but her job was to make you sound like you weren’t mentally ill as a result of the accidents- when in fact you really were. Your depression and anxiety had made you a trembling, tearful mess.

You decided to go to Sam’s. Your boyfriend, Sam Winchester, was a lawyer, and currently worked from home. Not only was he a lawyer, but he was your lawyer. That’s how you two had met. He specialized in worker’s compensation cases, and was highly reputable in his field.

On the drive over, you attempted to focus on your breathing, but it was getting harder and harder with each second that passed. Your panic was rising and you felt lightheaded, like you were going to pass out. The pain in your chest grew, making you wonder if you were dying. Your vision started to change and you knew it was time to call for support. Struggling to hold the wheel and get your phone out, you fumbled around until you got to Sam’s number. You pressed the call button and briefly closed your eyes, praying that he answered.

“Hey beautiful, what’s up?” Sam’s calming voice sounded through the phone.

“I can’t breathe,” you puffed. “I need you. I need my Xanax. I think I’m dying... Help.”

Immediately, Sam started soothing you and coaching you. “Ok, I want you to start with five things that you can see. You sound like you’re in the car. Are you in the car? Look for five things on the road- what color cars do you see? What makes and models are they?”

You flicked your eyes around, panicked. “Ummm I see a green car in front of me. It’s a …. Hyundai Elantra. Uh, the car next to me is bright pink… it’s an ugly ass smart car.”

You could hear the smile in Sam’s voice at your judgment of the car as he encouraged you to continue, “Good job, baby. Keep doing that. I’ll wait on the line until you come up with three more.”

A minute or so later, you spoke up, breathless, “I got them. It’s not helping.” Your heart was still going a mile a minute.

“Ok, what are four things you can hear?”

You sighed in an attempt to slow your breathing. “I can hear my own breathing, does that count? I can hear Daisy’s engine.” You paused to continue listening. “I hear a motorcycle coming up behind me. And I hear the wind coming through the cracked windows.” Your heart rate slowed down some, to your great relief.

“Well done, Y/N. That was one of your best identifying sets yet. How are you doing now?” Sam’s voice over the phone alone was helping you calm down, your vision and eye movement returning to normal.

“You’re helping more than the exercise, honestly,” you stated.

Sam chuckled. “Well, whatever works for you, honey. You are on your way over here, I’m guessing?”

“You guessed it,” you chuckled weakly.

-------------------------------

Ten minutes later, you pulled into Sam’s driveway. He had a modest two story, 3 bedroom house that you couldn’t get enough of. It was a brick house with the front door tucked into a small front porch with two pillars. The love of your life was standing on the porch waiting for you. You loved when he worked from home, because he could dress comfortably. He was in gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips, and a black vneck tshirt that gave you ample view of his chiseled chest. The worry on his face made you smile through the remaining anxiety. You would have been turned on if you weren’t still feeling like your anxiety wasn’t under control.

Quickly, you got out of the car and hurried into his waiting arms. You buried your face into his chest and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent. Sam’s strong arms held you tight, one arm around your shoulders and the other around your lower back. You were body to body, the warmth from his tall frame helping your muscles to relax.

Quietly, he loosened his grip and adjusted so that one arm was draped around your shoulders as he pressed you into his side to walk inside. The aroma that met your nose was your second favorite in the world- besides Sam’s. It was a mahogany/tobacco mix, which you hadn’t expected to smell as good as it did when you first were told about it. The familiar scent had you breathing deeply through your nose as you walked in with Sam.

You left his side and went straight to the bathroom, where your Xanax was. You dumped two in your hand, and after a thought, a third. You swallowed, sighing in relief. It occurred to you after you’d taken them that your anxiety had come down significantly, and that maybe you didn’t need them, especially three of them, but you didn’t care. The mere thought that you had taken them calmed you down.

When you exited the bathroom, you found Sam sitting on the loveseat in the living room. You immediately sat on his lap and pulled your legs to your chest and curled into his body. His strong arms wrapped around you protectively, and you felt his voice vibrate deep in his chest as he asked, “Did you just take your Xanax? Did you still need it?”

You felt slightly guilty as you answered, “Yeah, I took three. That’s one of the two reasons I came over here.” You smiled softly up at him. “You’re the other reason.”

His chin rested on the top of your head as he sighed. He knew you were a little too dependent on the medication, and the fact that you took three worried him. But he decided not to press the matter given the state you’d been in while you were in the car.

“Tell me about what’s going on in that pretty head of yours,” he murmured into your hair.

“It’s this stupid evaluation,” you sighed. “I can’t get it out of my head. It’s in less than two days, as you know, and my anxiety is going crazy. My employer fucking hired this doctor! She’s going to rip apart everything I say and twist it the way she wants it. I’m not good enough on my feet to phrase things carefully enough that she won’t be able to do that.”

Your breathing started picking up again. Your Xanax hadn’t kicked in yet. Sam felt your chest start to heave, and tightened his grip around you. “Breathe with me. Feel my breaths and breathe with me.”

Closing your eyes, you felt for his breathing rhythm. The slow, steady rise and fall of his chest. The comforting movement once again helped you get your breathing back under control. You took a breath with him and let it out at the same pace he did. Your heart slowed down to a resting rate.

“Ok, I think I can keep talking this through without you having to calm me down every two seconds. I guess I’m just worried overall that I will feel invalidated. Like what I’m feeling isn’t real or true,” you admitted. “That it’s all made up in my head. This evaluation I have to go to, in essentially a day, is my employer’s way of attempting to prove that I am NOT as sick as I have become. I didn’t even take a single medication before all this shit happened! I didn’t need to see a therapist! I’m not fucking making it up.” You tilted your head up briefly to look at Sam and his sympathetic smile warmed your heart.

“Sweetheart, I know. But think about it, our job is to prove the severe decline of your mental health. Their job is to prove there was no decline- that it was bad already. If our psychologist says that you have a permanent partial disability of 75%, your employer is most definitely going to hire a psychologist of their own to attempt to disprove that. Seventy-five percent is a large disability! They don’t want to have to pay out for that.”

You sighed. Logically, you knew that. But nothing, you felt, nothing, could really prepare you for the evaluation. It could potentially go on for five hours! It made you think, What the hell? Who spends five hours getting interrogated and tested by a psychologist whose main goal is to discredit me. You groaned.

“I wish I could say I just want it to be over. But I’m as nervous for her report as I am for the evaluation! My coworker, Jay, and I read about one of her previous cases online. Man, she did not help the lady out at all with her report. She essentially said there was no illness whatsoever. What if she does that to me? I’ve got the diagnosis to back it up! And my psychiatrist even wrote a note saying that my depression and anxiety were indeed exacerbated by these accidents. And my psychologist I saw for our side of the case said I have PTSD and ADD. That’s got to count for something to the judge, right?”

Sam nodded against your head. “All of these reports will go to the judge. All the medical records, all the reports, everything, goes to the judge for review. The reports may influence him, but ultimately it’s he who makes the decision on what the settlement will be. Try not to worry too much about her report. Because we already have a very favorable one from our side.”

You could feel your Xanax kicking in. A calm wave washed over you and you felt your body relax into Sam’s for the first time since you had been curled together. You rested your head against his chest and breathed deeply, once again taking in his scent. This stupid evaluation was inevitable. You knew that. You had written in a journal different things you wanted to share with the psychologist, as well as a letter. Nothing you were going to be saying was a lie. She would not be able to catch you with irregularities.

“I guess the best thing I can do is just be honest, ya know?” You ducked your head softly to dislodge Sam’s chin from your crown and looked up at him. “The truth always comes out, right? If only truth always won…” you trailed off, getting lost in your thoughts.

Sam chuckled, the laugh resounding deep in his chest. “Y/N, you have me. And you know I am doing my damndest to make sure we have everything we need to succeed. You’re going to get a settlement, because you have your breathing and wrist problems that have already been identified as caused by the accidents. You know that for sure. Now we’re proving psychological disability to add hopefully a zero or two to that number. Have faith, baby,” he finished, resting his forehead on top of your head. “We will get through this together.”

You sighed contentedly. You would absolutely get through it together. When you were with Sam, nothing could stand in your way. Not even a goddamn psychological evaluation. He gave you strength and his faith in you spurred you on. Sam helped you feel invincible. Fuck this evaluation, you thought. I’m going to do my best, be as honest as I can, and then I’m going to come home to Sam’s embrace and everything else will just melt away.

With that, you snuggled in closer, and closed your eyes, humming softly and happily to yourself.

[mst3kproject]

Exo-Man

Failed series pilots were very much part of MST3K’s stock in trade.  We’ve sat through San Francisco International, Stranded in Space, Code Name: Diamond Head and I’m sure there were others.  I generally recall all of those movies being kind of dull and lacking in personality, and I can’t imagine this 70’s superhero mess being much better.  I don’t think anybody in Exo-Man was ever on MST3K but Jose Ferrer (the first Latino actor to win an academy award, for 1950’s Cyrano de Bergerac) was once in a movie called Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, which I am deeply remiss in not having seen yet.  You may also recognize Harry Morgan, who was Colonel Potter on M*A*S*H.

Dr. Nick Conrad is a wacky physics professor of the type nobody has ever encountered in real life.  He’s somehow both smart enough to invent anti-gravity and memory plastic, and stupid enough to chase after a fleeing would-be bank robber.  The latter stunt, set to wakka-chicka Mitchell music, makes Nick the target of a mafia assassin, who kills his lab assistant and leaves Nick himself paralyzed from the waist down.  He wallows in self-pity for a while, but then rediscovers his passion for invention and builds himself a suit of armor that will allow him to walk again… and to take on the mob single-handedly.

I don’t know why they called the movie Exo-Man.  That name is never used in the dialogue.  I guess the more accurate Fiberglass Avenger just wouldn’t have sounded as cool.

The first thing you’re likely to notice from the plot summary is that Nick’s story starts off as Dr. Strange and then takes a hard left into Iron Man.  I’m pretty sure the latter at least was an intentional ripoff, with bits of the first thrown in, knowingly or not, to distance Exo-Man from Marvel’s lawyers. What’s funny is that posterity has actually made it a hat trick: the movie opens with a weirdly homoerotic jogging scene, so now he gets to be Captain America, too!

Exo-Man is a really stupid, often boring, and consistently ugly movie.  The actors are mediocre, the music bland, the effects terrible, and stuff is made to look ‘high tech’ by sticking lots of blinky lights on it.  Way too much time passes before we get to the action and when we do, we find a deep pit of disappointment.  Yet at the same time… I kind of enjoyed it.

A major part of why has got to be the incredibly dopey super-suit the main character wears, which looks less like ‘Iron Man’ and more like ‘Fiberglass Commando Cody’.  It moves really slowly and I doubt the guy in the costume can see very much.  Nick controls the bottom half of it using switches on one sleeve, which appear to have simple functions like ‘sit’, ‘walk’, and ‘jump’ (there is, of course, no ‘run,’ because nothing happens fast in this movie). He puts the thing on by lying down in what looks like a tanning bed (or maybe one of those contraptions from Avatar).  My personal favourite is the warning light labeled malfuntion.

All this is in a movie that sometimes manages to be surprisingly subtle.  We are introduced to Nick while jogging, we watch him play tennis with his girlfriend, and see him maintain this exercise regime even while he’s supposed to be under police protection.  These shots are in brilliant sunshine, and the camerawork is as active as the subjects. Post-injury, Nick never outwardly complains about his inability to participate in sports, but we now see him sitting in his wheelchair in dark surroundings, with the camera held perfectly still.  We feel that he has lost something he loved dearly, and we never need to be told it outright.

We are also introduced to Nick as somebody who is devored to furthering minorities.  His two lab assistants are an east Asian student and a Jewish one (the latter identified as such by a surname, rather than appearance), and the reason he was at the bank was to help a Latino student get a loan.  Again, the script trusts the audience to get this without having to draw attention to it through dialogue.  These minority characters are, of course, still just accessories to Nick’s story. The Jewish guy in particular is there to be fridged – its his death that leads to Nick flaunting his police protection and getting hurt.  But the effort was made to say that minority rights are important to Nick, without hitting us over the head with it.

Theme-wise, Exo-Man is about a man coming to terms with a disability.  I should preface this by saying that I am not disabled, so my perspective is necessarily biased.  If anything I say below is offensive, that is out of ignorance, and please let me know so that I may edit or delete the review and do better next time.  I was actually pretty impressed by how the script and director handled the life-changing nature of Nick’s injury… mostly.  I’ll start with the bad stuff.

The attack on Nick comes with a heaping helping of victim blaming.  As an important witness in the bank robbery, he was offered police protection.  The assassin tries to get around this by putting a bomb in his car, but one of the lab assistants borrows the car for a late-night pizza run, and gets killed in Nick’s stead.  This leads Nick to deliberately place himself in a vulnerable position, hoping to draw the killer out for capture and punishment.  In the hospital with a broken back, Nick blames the police for failing to protect him, but I’m pretty sure the movie wants us to think that this is really Nick’s own fault.  Like the tragic accident victims in Days of our Years, he has nobody to blame for his own misery, or that of his loved ones, except himself.

After that, however, the movie’s treatment of Nick’s disability improves quickly.  His girlfriend Emily leaves him, but that’s not because he’s in a wheelchair, it’s because he’s too busy wallowing in self-pity to even let her into his apartment. Later when he apologizes to her, she takes him back and they resume their happy relationship, and the fact that they can’t play tennis together anymore is not an issue.  She does not treat him as something to be pitied, she speaks to him on his eye level, and they avoid that weird trope of having the abled partner sit in the wheelchair-user’s lap.  Emily loves who Nick is, not what he can do.  His colleagues and students, likewise, treat him with respect and help him with his chair, and never make the latter feel like a burden.

By the end of the film Nick has come to terms with his disability.  The suit he’s built is not a cure for his condition: in fact the first time he wears it out, it breaks down and he needs help getting back to his high-tech armored van.  It’s a tool he has built for a purpose, and he doesn’t feel the need to wear it in non-superhero situations.  Based on what we see, he could have built a legs-only version to wear under his trousers and let him go jogging and play tennis again, but that is no longer who Nick is.  And when and whether to wear the suit is always Nick’s own choice, not something imposed on him from the outside.

Of course, it would also be really helpful in later maintaining Exo-Man’s secret identity, and I suspect the writers were thinking of that a lot more than they were of things like parents forcing questionable ‘cures’ on disabled children.  The secret identity probably would have been a big deal if the pilot had sold, but in this stand-alone story, I thought the suit worked well as a metaphor about a disabled man at peace with himself.

Exo-Man also takes a quick little peek at the morality of vigilante justice, although this comes in pretty late and clearly isn’t something they wanted to get into in any detail.  The first person Nick confronts in the suit is the assassin who actually beat him up. He says he didn’t go into this encounter with any real plan… perhaps he just wanted to scare the guy.  What ultimately happens is that the assassin climbs a drainpipe to get away from the terrifying robot man, the pipe comes off the wall, and the man falls to his death.  Nick feels this is his fault, and so the next time he takes the suit out he does so with a particular goal in mind: he wants to capture the mob boss and provide evidence of his wrongdoing to the police, not to kill anyone.

The mob boss’ name, by the way, is Kermit Haas, which is probably the least intimidating name a movie has ever given to its big bad.

Would that work?  Is evidence a guy in a robot suit left in your dumpster for you admissible in court?  Isn’t where stuff was found kind of important?  I honestly have no idea and I’m not sure how to go about finding out.  People might wonder why I want to know and I don’t think saying it’s for my blog would allay their suspicions.

At the end of Exo-Man, I was more entertained than not, but mostly on the level of laughing at the dumb-looking suit and appreciating the fine art of ripping off comic book characters.  If that’s your kind of thing then this movie ought to put the fun in malfuntion for you. If that’s not your thing, well… this is an MST3K blog.  What are you doing here?

[skvaderarts]

I need to get this off of my chest because it's been bothering me since I saw Brightburn at the movie theater yesterday.

You know what? I actually liked Brightburn as a whole. It wasn't the most amazing movie I've ever seen, and I won't be purchasing it, but it had some neat twists and was an interesting mixture of a horror film and an antihero film and it told a diffirent kind of story than that of what I normally see in a film. But there is one part of the movie that REALLY pissed me off. Like, it sent me into an irrational boiling rage. I'm not sure if that's a testament to the movie or a fault.

Ok, so let me explain. Spoilers below, of course. I'm on mobile, so I can't seem to put this under a read more. IDK what I'm doing wrong here.

---

Ok, so the main character, a 12-year-old boy named Brandon has what I won't even dare call a crush on a young girl in his class. For the life of me can't remember her name. After his well-meaning father talks to him about puberty and how he shouldn't be ashamed to act on any sexual urges he has (He probably should have explained the concept of what urges are okay to act on, but I digress) he decides that the nice girl that sits in front of him in class is the objects of his fascinations. This wouldn't be an issue if he didn't have an uncomfortable fixation with the female reproductive system that comes of as really serial killer like and wasn't a superpowered little budding psychopath. He even likes to female murder animals and cut their reproductive systems out.

Ok, so it starts with him sneaking away from his parents while camping to stand in the window if this young girl to watch her very menacingly from her window and use his powers to mess with things in her bedroom, scaring her half to death. She catches him and tells her mom, but she can't prove it. She does, however, become noticeably uncomfortable around him. Fair enough. I would be too.

But this is where shit gets totally awful and makes me sick.

So right after this the PE class at school is doing one of those dumb "catch me" trust exercises that no one should ever make kids do because bullies are a thing and when they push Brandon very hard towards the young girl, she steps out of the way and he hits the ground. The teacher immediately tells her to help him up like this is somehow her problem and not the kid who just basically tossed him. She says she doesn't want to because he scares her and she thinks he's a pervert. She's actually right and clearly very uncomfortable, but I digress.

The teacher, being a total asshole, tells her that is she doesn't help him up, he will fail her for the whole class which forces her to have to touch him. As a result, Brandon gets pissed off at what he interpreted as her rejecting him (like he's not literally stalking her) and he grabs her had and squeezes it so hard that he shatters basically bone in her entire hand and probably her wrist while the teacher just tells him to stop and doesn't step in to stop this despite it taking him a good 10-15 seconds for this to happen and him being about two feet away.

Her arm literally folds in on its self and basically explodes.

Naturally, the parents get called, the mother of the young girl is more than a little pissed, and says she wants to press charges against him for basically disabling her child and the police officer present says "well that's not your choice." The school then suspends him for TWO DAYS and makes him talk to a counselor who happens to be his aunt (that isn't unbiased at all) while the parents take him home and don't punish him in any way for his brutal behavior towards this young girl. They don't even say sorry to her mother or offer to pay for her care. Nothing. They even get mad at the mom for talking badly to them about Brandon and tell her that she's an awful person for feeling that way about a child.

To be honest, Brandon's mom is the main issue. The dad is pretty sensible.

He then shows up at the girl's house where she is laying in bed with her hand wrapped up and she's unable to do anything to defend herself and scares her half to death. He does this just to tell her that he plans to "take care" of her mother and then he will be back for her after she begs him to just leave her alone because she is scared of him after what he did to her. After he leaves her crying in fear, he goes to her mother's job, kidnaps her, and brutally murders her, leaving her dead body in his family's barn with her reproductive system cut out. We never see or hear from her again after that.

...

...

OK WTF Brightburn?!

There are so many things wrong with this and I won't insult your intelligence by elaborating on it too much. Why is she threatened with a worse punishment for not helping him up than he gets for crushing her whole lower arm? Why isn't it within the power of her family to press charges? Why is this kid so damn predatory towards this poor little girl? Is this how he handles rejection? At several points during the film, I would have been sure he was going to sexually assault this little girl if they weren't in middle school and that would have been too inappropriate to depict in a film. I know we're not supposed to like him by the end of the film, but the things he does to that little girl and the way that every adult handles the situation pisses me off to a degree that is probably unhealthy.

He literally murders hundreds of people by the end of the movie, but this was the only part of this "horror" film that actually scared me. The idea that this little 11 year old girl gets assaulted after being preyed on and is powerless against her attacker because basically everyone is working in her attacker's favor despite even his therapist noting that he shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and thinks of her as less than him (He says and I quote "Sometimes bad things happen to people for good reasons" when asked if he is sorry he feels bad about hurting her) is so goddamn awful that I can't even put it into words. And what he does to her mother is just so damn depraved and needless that it makes you wonder how a 12-year-old could ever do something so awful. I just can't.

The kid who plays Brandon is a great actor though.

[sarcasticbabywhispererjess]

The movie “Secret Obsession” opens with the main character Jennifer being chased through a rest stop bathroom by a knife wielding maniac. She escapes out into the rain (very dramatic), gets hit by a car and is subsequently brought to the hospital. 

The following happens in the hallway of the hospital and OR...

Bagging patient randomly off and on.

“She’s going into v-fib.” (closed captioning says v-tach)

No compressions are started.

“She’s unstable.” (no shit)

No one starts compressions… way to fail ACLS step 1. Get on the chest!

“We need to start compressions.” Yes, please!

No one actually starts compressions, but someone does listen to her with a stethoscope.

“Miss can you hear me?” She’s in v-fib and you’re not doing compressions, her brain isn’t being perfused… she ain’t gonna answer you, doc.

“She’s unresponsive.” Ya think?

“I’m losing a pulse.” She’s been in v-fib, but had a pulse this whole time? I think your monitor is faulty. Also, why start compressions if there’s a pulse… not that they have done any compressions so far.

Still no compressions.

Shocks with 300 joules… with paddles that we don’t ever use anymore. (You don’t shock with 300 joules on any defibrillators, 120-200 on biphasic, or 360 on monophasic… yes I looked this up.)

“Bradycardia. 30… 90/50.”

Patient is in an organized rhythm and has a pretty good BP.

“Charge to 360”  What?! Why?! Shocks her again. 

WTF?! Why did you shock her? You don’t shock bradycardia.

“Get another amp of epi”… shocks again. 

That was three shocks in like a minute… never any compressions.

Pulse is now 75… they call it a success and say they can start surgery.

That was a DISASTER of a code. I get that it’s a movie, but codes are exciting when you follow actual ACLS guidelines (less defibrillating though), they didn’t need to do this. Plus, just edit and reorder some of those lines and it would have made more sense. Also... 

DO SOME FUCKING COMPRESSIONS!

Ok, below I continue with a play by play and commentary on the rest of the movie... warning, spoilers ahead.

Jennifer is in a hospital bed, extubated after surgery, but hadn’t regained consciousness after surgery. No, we don’t do that. 

Leg is in a brace and sling. Huh? Why?

Has Coban, but no gauze wrapped around her head like a headband (not sure where her injury is… somewhere near her hippocampus since that is where her brain injury is according to the doctor when he is explaining about how her memory is going to be affected by her brain injury) and random pieces of white tape on her nose and fingers. ???

Jennifer is in the hospital for several weeks it seems after the montage of memory card games and learning to push her own wheelchair. All of her facial abrasions are healed as she’s being discharged which also denotes the passing of time. I’m not quite sure why they kept her so long. 

She is standing at the counter and is told by the nurse discharging her (who also was there the night she was admitted) that her CT results came back and is given a vague update. Nurse gives her prescription bags… I mean, I guess it’s a nurse, she’s not wearing a badge but is wearing a stethoscope around her neck  (confirmed later, she’s a nurse). She gives Jenn a cane to walk with when she gets home… 2-3mins a day (That’s like no time at all). Jenn is given no instruction of how to use it, I’ve only ever seen her use a wheelchair.

Jennifer is sent home with a wheelchair. Her leg brace is gone. So can she not walk because of her brain injury, not her leg injury?

Man, this nurse works a lot… she seems to be there every day/night. And she’s in charge of follow-up calls/appointments. They’re in California, so at least she probably makes pretty good money since she runs the whole damn hospital.

OK, cane/wheelchair is because of her leg. Why the fuck doesn’t she just have crutches? That’s dumb. I guess it’s to make her more helpless.

God damn, her skin is so nice. 

Russell and Jenn start to get intimate, Jenn has a scary memory flash and rebukes his advances. Russell doesn’t take it well. He roughly grabs her arm. He starts talking about how much he has done for her and how he’s her husband (is he though?), so he deserves better. Twat. Jenn is freaked out both by her memory and Russell’s behavior, but just turns off the light, rolls over away from him, and goes to bed. I would have left. 

Damn, nurse Masters is still at work? She literally works 24/7 in this ED. Jenn still has an active chart? There are doctor’s notes in it? This place hasn’t switched to EMR yet? But they have high res security cameras that hospital security can pull up and email files within minutes? Impressive. Do a lot of crimes happen in this hospital? So those are their priorities? Weird.

Wtf is a heritage tattoo? That’s how the detective figured out her maiden name? Seems far fetched, but I’m not looking it up.

The detective enters Jennifer’s home that she shared with her parents according to records… and he keeps touching things without gloves on. You’re a shit detective, dude. How have her parents been dead this whole time and no one has looked for them? They didn’t have jobs? Were they hermits?

Russell leaves and Jenn hears a lock sound from the bedroom door. She jiggles the door handle and can’t get it open, “Did he just lock it?” Well he didn’t unlock it ya dumb bitch.  Well apparently she was some kind of criminal in her past life, so she can open locks with a bobby pin. Really? The password on Russell’s computer is Jennifer’s maiden name. FFS. This is the most unrealistic thing in the movie. 

Why would he cut the cord for the internet? Just to be dramatic. He could just as easily have just unplugged the cord and taken it with him. Did he not want to use the internet anymore either? Anyway, he planned far ahead enough to disable the internet just in case she got into the computer, but didn’t delete all the pictures pre-photoshopping off his computer? Idiot.

Who just swallows a pill that someone puts in their mouth just because they also forced water into your mouth? You’re not a dog, Jennifer. 

Russell uses a chain and lock that he happens to have in his pocket to chain her to the bed. Pretty sure she can get that chain off of her ankle if she wanted to. It’s not that tight.

Oh my goodness, nurse Masters isn’t at work! Russell is super weird to her and then speeds away from the store where he bought lye.

The chain is much tighter suddenly… but loose enough that Jenn could get it off. Ok, wtf is wrong with her leg… she can’t seem to straighten it from like 30 degrees… they should’ve kept that brace on her from the beginning of the movie and also done more ROM exercises with her while she was in the hospital for all those weeks. She apparently used to be some kind of medic? Duct tape as an ace bandage ankle wrap? Probably not the most effective, but could be worse. Though I imagine she’d only have some soft tissue injury from that chain, I don’t know if she needs to wrap her ankle.

Jenn gets into the garage where she acts like it smells bad.. like a dead body, maybe? She hides in her car that is in the garage when fake Russell gets home. He also acts like the garage reeks. Why does he open the trunk to see the real Russell’s dead body? Like, he knows that it’s in there and he could already smell the decomposing body… he just wanted a better whiff? Also, why hasn’t he buried the body yet? He buried that witness the day he killed him. Well, semi-buried… it was a really shallow grave that Jenn tripped onto and touched the dude’s hand.  Honestly, he did a piss-poor job at hiding the body. Also, now that I’m thinking about it, real Russell’s body isn’t very decomposed for having been in the trunk of a car in a hot garage for several weeks (unless the garage has A/C, but there would still be a lot more rotting of the flesh after such a long time). Jennifer’s parents bodies decomp was much more progressed even though it seems they’ve all been dead the same amount of times.

The detective is at “their” house, he knows Russell isn’t Russell and there’s something nefarious afoot. This detective needs to go back to detective school. Stop touching potential evidence without gloves on. Why would fake Russell just cover up an old sign that has his actual last name on it? Just get a new sign, you nut job. Well, the shitty detective isn’t aware of his surroundings and doesn’t have his gun drawn, so of course fake Russell/Ryan is able to sneak up behind him and hit him over the head. He’s dead… actually probably just unconscious in an ice chest since fake Russell is only good at killing people most of the time. Also, I have a feeling we’re going to need the detective later to help save Jenn.

Uh oh, glasses are off… I guess he’s not Russell anymore. He’s crazy, obsessive Ryan.

Yes, take time to watch that video on your phone, Jenn… get sentimental while you’re trying to run for your life. 

Why is this dude so hyper focused on this chick? He’s hot. He could have his pick of plenty of girls. I suppose it’s hard to think in rational/logical terms with a sociopath no matter what he looks like. 

Oh good… he’s doing the villain speech where he explains his backstory. Apparently he had to light a single taper for it. I have a feeling the candlestick holder might come into play later… in Jennifer’s benefit. No, wait... he left the lighter and tied her up with flammable rope.  But she knocked it on the floor… moron.

Oh good, the detective is alive. He’ll save them both even if he’s also an idiot. Since all women need saving. 

Wait, she got herself out. Why hit him with the vase? The solid metal candle holder would’ve been a better choice. Solid work falling down the stairs, Jenn

The detective is out of the ice chest. And he’s using the Babe from Kill Bill incentive… yelling at himself to make his brain/muscles work. He at the very least has a concussion/TBI from being knocked unconscious, yelling at yourself doesn’t fix that.

Jennifer! Why are you going into the woods? You have his keys and there are so many cars on the property, you probably have a key that will work on at least one of them. Even if you didn’t have the keys, if you can pick a lock, can’t you hotwire a car too?  Why do you think you’d get better signal in the mother fucking woods? Yes, try to hit him with a heavy log that you can barely lift. You’ll get good momentum and swing. Just use one of those rocks you just threw to distract him. Idiot.

Ok, she shot fake Russell/Ryan in the back while he was wrestling with the detective. The first shot was fairly high in the chest and had a pretty good chance of hitting his lung or something important, but he’s still able to come at her. Her second shot got him in the upper right abdomen, so probably the liver and he just goes down... dead. FFS. At least have shot him in the heart area, that would’ve been slightly more believable. Oh well, I guess that’s that. A little follow up with the detective and Jenn. She’s moving back to San Jose (hopefully she’s getting a new place since her parents were murdered in her old house) and the detective is moving to AZ even though he never found his daughter that had gone missing as a child many years ago (a part of his backstory that brought nothing to the story and was never resolved).

Guys, this was not a great movie. I did kind of enjoy tearing it apart though.

[skinfeeler]

meandering diary post, or the melancholic tale of my 24-hour completely onesided romance in the context of the human condition

[[MORE]]

i've been a member of a student organisation for queer people for about half a year now. this means that i hadn't attended an introductory period yet — once an academic year, at the start of it — but that i knew basically everyone who organised it.

after a few days of miscellaneous activities that were mostly 'okay' (minus a drunk fall of my bike at some point) i knew a couple more people. still, it was nothing like the summer camp at the end of it.

the first 90% of the journey was by train. i shared four seats facing each other with three other people, including a girl who was slightly taller and a bit older than me. she had brought a wine bottle and so it happened that the four of us already started drinking at about 15, not even at the camp yet.

we got along though— especially this girl and i. we talked a bunch about the kinds of exercise/sports we like. she was my second round that day in explaining the rules of roller derby, i can do it in about 20 seconds now with the help of the images from the 'basics' section of this article: http://mtlrollerderby.com/the-rules-of-roller-derby/?lang=en w

e also talked about gender a bit. it went all right. we had a later conversation in our bunk that day where we really bonded, about trauma too and all that stuff.

"we have a bond, i think."

that was later though, for now i was still on my way. at some point i turned inwards as i sometimes do and during one of the transfers while outside she pulled me away and asked me if i was all right. i explained that i just have a few issues and that sometimes they played up. she gave me the big scarf she was wearing and told me to put it over my head and narrow my field of vision that way, just kind of hide in it. that that's what she does when she's not well. that was nice of her.

we missed the train-bus connection because we went to the supermarket of the small remote village to buy more wine, but we got picked up by a second bus a bit later.

once at the place i changed into a sexier outfit and instantly felt more confident. this was immediately crushed once people started making (completely benign) jokes about std tests. i started thinking about my own test and the rape that happened before it and just went sit somewhere with a beer bottle to be sad. one of the people who i knew was an organiser but didn't personally know asked me if i was all right and i stood up and tried to ask if we could go outside for a bit, but didn't manage to speak because i was already crying. fortunately he understood the cue. i told him about that i got triggered and he made sure to make it clear to me that the committee would do its best to look after me if i allowed him to tell that sometimes i get like this, with them not having to know what exactly. i took him up on the offer, and it helped that subsequently an organiser would occasionally come to me when i lost my vibe, which was quite often.

but in that moment just knowing people actually take it seriously was enough, and i told him that the best thing now would probably just be to rejoin the party and chug my beer, and so we returned inside and so i did.

a while later i lost a good portion of my energy again. in a fateful moment, i decided to go back to my room which i shared with others. my new friend was talking about speed with another girl, who ended up giving it to us.

"i'm done with this crap. you can have it if you want to."

i don't have the required associations to procure anything like this myself, so i thought i'd not pass up on the opportunity.

the four of us went back downstairs.

first i was cold, tired, and dull. now i possessed immense warmth, energy, and clarity, almost immediately.

i asked my friend if this is about what i should be feeling. she told me it was, but also immediately switched to her more caring tone and that i should be careful.

"if you ever want to try something, you can always do it at my place."

sounds like a fucked up bid to get me in a vulnerable situation, but given the context and her general conduct i am certain she really was just caring about me in a slightly dark way.

there were drinking games that we played in teams, in most of them chugging alcohol fast combined with skills of physical dexterity was determinant. in my current state, i was absurdly good at both on top of my usual degree of mastery and won us the tournament. it was nice to get cheered on lots— it was cool to be in a parallel dimension where suddenly the skills i had were brought up a number of times in the days after.

i had a great night. i hadn't been (that) happy in months. every moment my body was bursting with energy. i love dancing, and i especially love dancing when weird fellow mental cases who have taken it upon themselves for reasons i don't understand grasp both my hands, pull me in, and keep me very close to them. later we sat on a couch and i leaned against her and it was very nice. every time i asked her if she was uncomfortable she pet my head for a bit, so obviously i was instantly in love.

alcohol disables your mental safeguards and this can backfire. cigarettes just make you slow. speed simply solved every problem instantly.

we danced until 0400. after that we were offered a joint by someone and we passed that around in a circle so we could sleep better. it worked very well, but by the time we went to bed, it was simply almost time to get up, and they don't fuck around with schedule at student camps.

i woke up in agony because the day before i went on camp i had a really intense derby training, and when i dance, i really love to bring my hips into it. everything between my waist and knees was searing, burning, i had to stretch and massage until i took the edge off enough that i could convince myself that i wasn't injured. the night before i hadn't felt anything at all. obviously i was also more hungover than ever before, but like, whatever. because i value a varied diet and a rigorous exercise routine, i decided to take it easy from thereon, only start drinking in the evening, et cetera. i was already going to skip sunday training for this, and additionally there are a few resistance training goals that i want to meet in the near future.

these three felt otherwise. they would go on to drink all day. it was very difficult to talk to any of them, although they seemed to be having fun though. i was kind of bothered that i couldn't talk to this girl meaningfully at all anymore at some point, so during that day and the last day of camp i kind of stopped feeling something for her entirely, which was very odd, completely unlike how it usually goes for me.

we played some games, including a quiz. my team won the quiz, but not the other game.

that night most of my acquaintances were absent for the first part. the sweet autistic metalhead i met earlier had gone to her one-person bedroom to decompress, the three from the start were apparently on a walk that i couldn't safely participate in, the others were fuck knows where. i was in a really, really bad mood. i knew that speed would solve all my problems, allow me to join the dance party going on. instead i wasted away on a couch for a while.

then there was dinner, and then an awards show. two games won (the beer game counted) meant i was called in front twice and won a shot of hard liquor as a price, thus twice in a row. very convenient for my fealty to fitness, but at least nice.

afterwards, a number of friends were periodically back on the dance floor in shifts, and the shots were doing their job. the nice thing about shots is that they mean you don't constantly have to piss as with beer, so they made a nice base for the rest of my consumption that night.

i found my new favorite pop song dancing with the girl who i have a particular unbreakable fealty to— that resultant from me breaking down in her arms about a girl not liking me back earlier that year lol

that girl would eventually do some things to me that would present one of the main causes of me at times completely turning inwards and become unable to talk to people, simply looking on and knowing my humanity has been taken away from me by many people.

but right there, dancing, knowing i was surrounded by people who care about me even if i am nothing like then, i was doing just fine, despite having quietly had a mental breakdown on that couch where everything at once played up.

eventually the music selection turned to shit and i decided to do the smart thing and have six hours of sleep instead of two. some sweet angels made sure to coax me into drinking lots of water.

"you'll be grateful in the morning."

a decent night, minus the transmisogynist components of some sketch one of the members of the previous committee did. i'll talk to her about it soon and i'm confident she'll understand how it was hurtful— i had a drunk conversation with two other girls in the restroom about it and they were fully behind me and encouraged me to do this.

the next morning almost everyone was still drinking, despite the fact that most of the day we would just spend in a bus bringing us back from the middle of nowhere.

at some point i sat down on a couch and for the first time in days, took out my ear buds and listened to some music i like.

it was cathartic and i had a particular kind of realisation.

i had spent an entire alcohol getting fucked up to music i could only tolerate there and then, under bright lights and with accompanying alcohol. drinking the kind of alcohol i don't like drinking because it's what was available, hanging out mostly with people with whom i have very little in common. in general, kind of losing myself.

i knew what i needed to do, what i can do soon. all i need to do is get out of this house to a better place, get my painting station set up, keep being involved in the roller derby, and maybe somewhere along the lines i would figure stuff out for myself.

of course, there are certain social circumstances that need to happen to me too, but i certainly can't do that while inert.

i had skipped the derby's general member's meeting on friday. it was the only one of the year, and i really wanted to attend. they were discussing attendance policies, and i feel i could've really learned a lot about the members of the league from that. debates about derby as its own reward and assuming the inherent joy of cooperation versus a dedication to structured sustained development and competitivity, or any of the ways one could frame that.

i had missed a training, when i had immediate short-term goals that i could have fulfilled that training.

the other rookies like me, and so does the trainer. not because of my ability to chug alcohol really fast — although i intend to impress them at the party we apparently have soon — but because of my dedictation, fervor, and general attitude.

maybe there is a common source to the fact that i can dance better than i can talk and that i feel i'm more meaningfully together with people when i'm on wheels than when i'm not, generally speaking at least.

it feels like there's a rift between me and the rest of humanity, but a little less on the track than most other places.

but then speed also helps.

it helps everything. it makes me feel happy.

but i know i can't actually take this as often as i would need without fucking myself up. still, on our way back, alienated and exhausted, i was constantly craving it.

when we got out of the bus and a people hugged me goodbye, i did meditate for a bit on the fact that i did create many new bonds. maybe i'll get more out of them than i felt by the last day, but it's complicated.

and now i'm at friends who fed me and gave me weed to finally fucking calm down. it's all right.

i miss my friends in london who i feel separated from only by distance.

[dailrpwmf-blog]

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Tip cheap car insurance for new drivers over 30

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[ilovehighhats]

Reticulum, ch. 02

On the next morning after the fateful day when they learned of Anna's death, Bane sat Helena down in his living room and started an in-depth questioning.

Each and every person at the Easter table was carefully investigated and scrutinised, all findings noted in meticulous detail, and pinned to the wall outside Bane's bedroom. Out of sight of prying eyes, but readily available for him or Helena, if she chose to add any information she previously omitted.

As it turned out Bane, as it was, knew an insane amount of details about Helena's life, and by extension her friends. But there were blanks, all the more noticeable for his experienced and brilliant mind.

“So, Lucy and Tom, you’ve never met them before.”

“That's right. And I didn't really talk much with any of them during the brunch. Tom mentioned he's working on a novel about living out in the woods. A ‘Walden’ of sorts, I think? Lucy was too far away, and since they came late and then the whole ordeal with Anna began I didn't have an opportunity to engage any of them properly.”

“He's been truthful about his occupation, but she has some interesting things in her resume,” Bane commented, but ignored Helena curious gaze and moved on with his questions. “Next, our thespian,” he spat the last word with distaste. “What do we know of Alex? Of course there is a trove of information on his personal life online.” He clicked his teeth and winked to snickering Helena. “But we need something less common and more substantial.”

“He's gay,” Helena supplied. “All those rumours of dates with models and fellow actresses is just publicity. He wants to build his fanbase as wide as he can.”

“Indeed?” this time Bane's tone in voice was unusually gleeful.

A small smile graced Helena’s lips.

“Were you jealous of him?”

“That scrawny little pest? Of course not,” he replied with a derisive snort.

“Of course not,” the scribe mocked. “Who's next?”

“Magnus.”

“Met him for the first time, but Grace and Graham mentioned the boy frequently. He's from a very low-income family, a single parent I think. Grace mentioned something about a very old acquaintance. They finance his studies, which basically means they pay his monthly expenses. I don't know the details.“

“Perhaps they would like to correct an aspect of this society that isn't to their liking.“

“What do you mean?”

“You may remember I noticed that the brunch was like a scene from a novel. Let's talk about our gracious hosts. Both are over their sixties. There is a longing there, a nostalgia for what had been. They're playing bridge. No one plays bridge anymore.”

“They're charming people,” Helena argued. She knew them for years now, and always could rely on Grace’s motherly advice or Graham’s generous hand with alcohol.

“Did you know that Graham was a high ranking officer in CIA?”

“I thought he was some kind of retired chemistry professor.”

“He is. A person can be more than one thing.”

“None of them ever mentioned anything of the sort. Do you think Grace knows?”

“She disabled perimeter detectors that day when she came to invite us to brunch.”

The information visibly shook the scribe.

“You have that kind of security?“ she gasped.

“We have,” Bane corrected pointedly. “And I've replaced them and changed the pattern to something she wouldn't know. added some new toys as well,” he murmured the last part tapping a finger to his lips pensively.

“Oh, my.”

“You thought Grace was just a homemaker.”

“When they lived here we visited each other very frequently. She had never been anything other than friendly, pleasant and appropriate. She does charity work, and has some innocent pastimes.”

“Did you ever take her to the shooting range?”

“No. I go alone. For a while, I used to go with a friend, but it was only because I met him there already.”

That piece information caught Bane’s attention enough to make him swirl around to face Helena again.

“Who?”

“Weren't we supposed to talk about people at the brunch?”

His eyes narrowed, but he reluctantly let go.

“We'll get to that later, then. So, Grace and Graham are a veritable mystery to you. Our friendly policeman and his family, do they have any secrets or peculiarities?“

“Tirill works with Anna at the school. And they both have tried to convince me to start calligraphy workshops for kids. Jack is mostly out in Oslo, studying. When she comes on weekends, we sometimes see each other at Hanson’s, but that's that. “

“You didn't mention anything about Knut.“

“Nothing to say. How did you know him?”

“We met when I first came here to buy the land, and then when I was building cottages.”

“Did he see you without the mask back then?”

“Yes.”

“That's wonderful.“

“I'm glad you're happy about it. “

“No, I'm serious. Look, that story about you studying in Hong Kong and then working as an antique dealer, and now making the people here know and remember you before Gotham! It's the best cover!”

“Most of that was true.” The sofa dipped when he sat down with a small grunt. “The point of our little exercise here is to sow the oats of the official facade, and get to the truth underneath.”

The remainder was sobering. It was just as Bane said. The truth could be hidden beneath what was apparent and ostensibly obvious. Even though he was an astrophysicist and a historian he also was a terrorist and a killer.

“Who do we have left?” she asked with a tired sigh.

“Sven and Anna.”

The spite in Bane’s words reminded Helena of his terse exchange with the medic at the brunch.

“What do you have against my good doctor?”

“Nothing. What gave you the idea I have anything against the man?”

“Dorrance, you said to him. Not Tony, like you introduced yourself to others. Why single him out?”

“Alex and Magnus also didn't get to call me by my first name.”

“Oh, but Lucy did feel right at home calling you Tony,“ she pointed out.

“I didn't notice.”

“Right.”

Bane hid a satisfied curl of his lips.

“Is there anything at all you think is relevant regarding Anna or her father?”

“You know, I always thought she was a tad closer to Graham than Grace. It was subtle but seemed like whenever I visited she was keeping close to him. Nothing overt. Maybe it was because Grace is such good friends with Sven. Come to think of it, I would not be too fond of listening to my parents' chit-chat, so that's probably it.”

“Probably.”

“Why are you asking me all those questions?”

“I told you. One of the guests at the brunch may have been a killer. I won’t stand to have someone like that near you.”

“Is that all? You’re wasting your time and considerable mind power to maybe find a perpetrator of a possible crime. Because as far as I know, it was an accident, wasn’t it? Listen, time is the most precious of resources. We all have a finite amount of it. Even the most brilliant of geniuses,” she sent him a pointed look, “has the same twenty-four hours in a day, as we all do. You could leave the police work to the police, and focus on your dark matter or whatnot.”

“Dark waves,” he corrected gruffly. “Let’s consider this my hobby.”

“An escape from the tedious day job?” She laughed.

“Something like that.” Bane gathered her close, and kissed her temple, then hid his nose behind her ear and inhaled the fragrance of her hair deeply. “It will help me stay calm.”

Helena couldn’t argue with that.

oOo

On Wednesday Helena went out with Bane as he was leaving for his pilates class. She had a date with Grace right after and needed to do some shopping in the free hour she’d get before the class ended. Then it was an afternoon of helping with the funeral affairs, the notices, the flower arrangements, the musicians. All that tedious and costly work that needed to be done, but no one ever wanted to actually take care of.

And then there was the prospect of a visit to the chapel, to seal the casket after a short ceremony for the closest family.

In the church there was only Sven, sobbing quietly on Grace’s shoulder. Helena was standing awkwardly beside them feeling like a third wheel. The doctor left some trinkets on Anna’s chest, and both women put in a simple rose each, and then it was done. The scribe didn’t even listen to the priest, the prayers foreign to her not only because of the language but also because she felt them unnecessary.

She remembered when she thought that Bane and Dorrance were both dead, back when she didn’t know she was actually mourning one person. The trips to the sea were her prayers, steely sky and stormy sea her church, cold sand under her feet was her pew. The wind howled a requiem every day, and the vastness of the water reflected how empty she felt. Everything was hidden beneath the waves, and the surface looked as if no life was there. Only different brands of emptiness.

Grace’s palm at her shoulder brought Helena out of her musings, and she sent a pale grimace resembling a smile Sven’s way. He nodded and left with the priest, while Grace hooked her arm with Helena's and started the opposite direction, out the main entrance and into her car.

Drive to Helena's cottage was mostly silent.

“She was so young,” Grace said while waiting for the lights to change.

Helena looked over and saw that the older woman’s eyes were glued to a pair of people sitting on a bench. They were kissing. Despite the cold, the girl had a simple dress on, and the boy didn't have a proper coat. But they looked comfortable and happy.

“Reckless,” Grace added.

Helena observed her when the light changed, and the car moved obediently forward under the experienced touch.

“Why do you say that?”

“Say what?”

“That Anna was reckless. She seemed pretty dull to me, actually.”

“She had her little secrets. Still wet behind the ears, but thought she was an old dog.”

The comment was angry. Unusual and uncharacteristic, especially since both women always seemed to get along just fine.

“Don’t we all have our mysteries? The undisclosed desires and actions under wraps?“

“I guess we all do. Sorry, I’m still shaken.”

“I understand, don’t worry.” There was still some five minutes of the drive ahead, and Helena would hate to part on a sour note. “You have a lot on your plate, especially with how much you help out Sven.”

“Thank you, darling,” Grace sighed. “To be honest, I’m worried about the clinic. Sven needs someone to cover for Anna until we find a full-time replacement, and we can’t have the girls at the reception desk doing overtime for a month. But he doesn’t feel like recruiting now, and who can blame him?”

“I could help out,” Helena offered. “Not like I have anything better to do anyway. Small commissions won’t be taking too much of my time, and I can spare few hours every day to help.”

“Would you really?” Grace perked up. “Oh, that would be wonderful!”

“Sure, let’s get over the details after the funeral. I’ll be able to start next Tuesday.”

“We have the schedule fixed until the end of the month, but I'll be sure to ask if any of the girls would like to change her hours. And you could start a regular shift in May, just four or six hours a day, until we find someone.”

“Sure thing.”

Grace stopped by Bane’s cottage at Helena’s request and refused to go in for a cup of tea, excusing herself with her tiredness. Maybe it was for the better, the scribe thought, seeing how absorbed Bane was with his notes. She let herself in through the main entrance, the one either of them rarely used, which left her approaching Bane from the corridor. He was sitting with his back to her, fireplace blazing, a cup of tea on the table in front of him, along with some loose sheets of paper. He was scribbling something but stopped as soon as he felt Helena's palm slide over his shoulders.

“Have you eaten?” he asked.

“Not yet. Did you wait with dinner?”

“I did.”

“That’s nice,” she said.

Bane dropped his papers to the side when she circled the sofa and climbed on his lap. His lips stretched in an amused warm smile when Helena nuzzled the side of his neck, the sensation pleasantly tingling.

“Your nose is cold.”

“I’m warm someplace else, wanna check?”

“Perhaps later.”

“What are you working on?”

“My hobby.”

She chuckled into his arm and straightened with a resigned sigh.

“You’re incorrigible. Obsessed with a problem until it’s picked apart and explained in its entirety.”

“That’s… An accurate characteristic,” he admitted begrudgingly.

“Grace is very similar to you in that regard. She is so absorbed into the funeral arrangements she even started organising Sven’s clinic.”

“Did she?”

“Mhm. What's for dinner?” She slid away and went towards the kitchen, stretching arms over her back with a slight gasp.

“I’ve made curry. Rice is warm in the cooker.”

Bane sat at the counter, watching Helena wash her hands, then ladle out the meal.

“So what's with the clinic, why does it need organising?”

“Anna used to help out at the reception desk, so now the rest of the girls have to juggle overtime to cover for her absence. I offered to help.”

“Indeed?”

Helena set the bowls on the table and slid out the cutlery drawer without looking.

“Grace was so tired with all the stuff she does, and then she started telling me how they have to find someone to take Anna's place. And of course, Sven is in no state to hire anyone at this point. So she said they had to find a way to fill the gap, but it is straining everyone, and she worried so much about it.”

“Did she say ‘we’ while talking about the clinic?” Bane asked before tucking into his meal.

“Several times.” The spoon stilled midway to Helena's mouth, and she set in back in the bowl after a second. “Why?”

“She’s not working there. Nor is she an owner.”

“So what gives her the impulse, or the right to treat clinic affairs as her own?”

“As her’s and Sven’s.”

“They are pretty close.”

“Too close?”

“Hard to say.”

“Worth a check,” Bane said in the end.

“But not tonight,” Helena cautioned. “I require your assistance.”

Bane compiled, and let Helena snuggle with him on the couch watching a movie on Netflix.

But he was scribbling in his notes again when she left, barely raising his head when she said goodnight and lowered over him for a parting kiss.

oOo

The door opened almost noiselessly, the only sound disturbing the tranquillity of the living room was the seal hissing slightly when the door detached from the frame and a single squeal of the hinges. Helena expected to see Bane in the kitchen or reading on the sofa, but the whole room was dark.

“Hey, what’s for dinner?” she yelled towards the corridor. “You missed the lunch hours, so it’s dinner time already!”

Perhaps he was asleep? Lately, he did have a habit of grabbing a few hours of sleep during the day. Helena knew it was because he could barely catch any rest at night, so she didn’t comment on that. Good thing he could get some respite at all.

She walked cautiously down the corridor, making sure she was as noisy as possible.

“Are you in your bedroom?” she asked, the smile on her face transported in her voice. “If you are there won't be any more sleeping, you know that?”

She stopped just outside his door. Open. The bed was made and seemingly untouched, and the room looked neat and ordinary as ever.

Helena frowned, looking around to see if anything at all was out of place. But no, save for the bizarre display just beyond the entrance it all seemed perfectly normal.

With a sigh she neared the wall in the corridor, transferred by Bane into a repositorium of his knowledge over people present at the brunch. The information she offered was put down on the paper, the notes much more extensive than she first realised. He had researched those people in depth, and she wondered when and why. Certainly, she never told him when Magnus's birthday was, and yet that date was on a sheet of paper dedicated to the man, along with a picture of him, and even more notes. His family history, his education? Ties to Hanson’s and other people at the table?

How did Bane know all that?

She inspected the papers, amazed at the intricate details and the insane attention to any possible links at all. There even was a sketch of the table itself, with the placement of guests and pencilled in numbers. Helena had five and nine, Bane eleven and ten.

She wondered, what did it all mean?

The silence of the cottage felt oppressive all of a sudden. There was no one there. Only the wind blew at the wooden and concrete structure, making the roof moan slightly as it always did. It never bothered Helena before, but today it felt ominous. Foreboding.

Bane was nowhere in sight.

Just to make sure, she inspected every nook and cranny, even those which she rarely visited. The boiler room, bathroom and toilet, laundry room and pantry. Last was Bane's study, converted from the old dining room, which he used mostly as a storage space for books and papers. Helena barely saw him work there, he mostly just sat in the living room. At least he did that whenever she was home with him.

There was no note anywhere, not in the kitchen, nor in her room, so with a shaky sigh she sat down by the dark fireplace and took out her phone.

No messages there either.

Bane was under ‘ICE Dorrance, Tony <3’  and she felt a pang of resentment that even in her own smartphone she couldn't just call him by his real name. But it was out of the question, and she understood of course. Still, it didn’t feel right.

When she dialled up, she heard the worst possible answer.

“The number you have called is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”

At that moment fear gripped her so harshly, Helena felt her chest tighten.

What could have happened to him?

[marshhayden93]

Reiki 3 Class Astounding Useful Tips

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How To Give Reiki To Root Chakra

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Reiki Room

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[phandabbydosey]

Here I Stand ~ Chapter 7

Artist: @lost-clues ~ art here (slight gore in one picture)

Word count: 19082 (so far) - 2285 this part

Rating: R

Warnings: Graphic description of crude medical procedure (amputation), violence, blood, zombies (and all the stuff that comes with it), one or two uses of ableist slurs (send me an ask if you want to know what they are)

Summary: Zombie AU. Everyone knows that getting bitten is the end, that the only fate is death or reanimation. But Dan is different, Phil can’t just let him go and they agree to a drastic ‘surgery’ to remove Dan’s bitten leg and save his life. However, surviving the procedure is only the beginning and Dan faces numerous obstacles on the rough road to recovery in an extreme and dangerous world.

A/n: Soooo after about two years I’ve decided to try and get back into writing again. Sorry about the cliffhanger left on this fic :D

In other news, I’ve lost contact with my old beta reader so if anyone is interested in helping me out then just get in touch :D (also yeah this isn’t beta-d so if anyone spots any issues just let me know)

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“I can’t believe she fucking sold us out,” Kyle growled, his anger just intensifying as he struggled to light the rusty camp stove they’d found in the back of their current hideout, “I told you she was no good.”

They had multiple little store rooms and safe spots in the area surrounding their original house and had just about managed to get in and secure one before night had fallen. Will had rigged up some quick traps so they should be safe even if a horde scented them out, but being away from the familiar security of the house had put them all on edge.

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t continuously treated her like crap she might have stayed loyal,” Dan snapped back, already in an incredibly grumpy mood after the painful trek over. He’d had to be supported by Phil and Scott the entire way and, although they tried their best, the odd knock or scrape had been unavoidable. Not to mention he’d spent weeks just laying on the sofa so his muscles were sore from all the exertion.

“Oh so you’re saying this is my fault?” Kyle turned to glare daggers at Dan, looking as if he were contemplating walking over and giving him a good thump, “When she’s the one who colluded with Liam and the others to steal everything we’ve worked for. She’s the one-”

“That’s enough, boys!” Scott said sternly, standing over the unlit stove with his arms crossed, “It doesn’t matter whose fault this is. There’s things all of us could have done to prevent this and throwing accusations around won’t help anything. What happened, happened. We can’t change that now so the best thing we can do is focus on where we go from here.”

As sour as Dan’s mood was, he couldn’t argue with Scott and was silently grateful they had the older man in their group with them. His years as a doctor had given him a level head and a logical mind that were invaluable when tensions boiled over in the group.

“Scott’s right,” Will said, his voice coming from behind a wall of boxes at the back of the large room. They hadn’t used this storeroom for a while because their scavenging had been sufficient as of late, so he was busy doing an inventory, “We have a good amount of food in here but it won’t last forever and it’s all long life stuff so I doubt the nutrition is going to be great. We don’t need to rush into finding somewhere new, it’s safe enough here, but I don’t really like the idea of it becoming permanent. I’m sure there’s better places out there.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda spooky here,” Lily murmured, her small body curled up on one of the tatty sofas Scott had dragged out, “There’s loads of spiders too.”

“What?” Dan squeaked, his eyes wide as he pushed himself a little more upright on his sofa and looked around the room.

Just like that, the tension in the room seemed to dissolve as everyone began giggling at Dan’s reaction. He might have been deadly in a fight and a sarcastic bastard, but even after everything he’d been through in the apocalypse, he was still deathly afraid of spiders.

-----------------------------------

“C’mon Scott, I only want to go out for an hour or so and Phil will be with me the entire time,” Dan pleaded, “It’s midday and it’s clear outside, I’ll be fine.”

Dan had been begging for days at this point and he’d thought Scott might have broken by now, but the older man was remaining stubborn in his position. They’d stayed in the storehouse for just over a week until Will, Kyle and Phil managed to find a suitable new home. The new place was great, but not exactly what would be described as suitable for a disabled person. There were a lot of stairs so, even with the pair of crutches Will had managed to cobble together from metal pipes and some other scraps, Dan was pretty much stuck in the main living room.

He and Phil had shared one of the bedrooms upstairs at first, but Dan was still very weak and he’d gotten fed up with having to be carried up to bed every night so now he just slept on the sofa.

He’d thought getting the crutches would be great, but the fact he was still very limited in his movements despite them was making him feel more and more trapped in the stuffy living room. He just wanted to go outside and get some fresh air, but Scott was adamant it was too dangerous.

“No, Dan,” he said firmly, not looking up from his washing up bowl, “You’re still too weak. If something happens then Phil won’t be able to get you back inside and protect you both at the same time. Plus it’ll be an unnecessary strain on your body, you’re meant to be building up strength gradually so you don’t end up injuring yourself more. It’s three floors down and back up again, that’s too much for you right now.”

“But I-”

“Dan, I get that you want to go out, but the risks aren’t worth it. We’ll keep doing your exercises and I’m sure you’ll be strong enough soon. Now I don’t want to hear anything else about it.”

Scott’s tone left no room for arguments so Dan just flopped back down onto the sofa, letting out a slightly over dramatic groan that Scott firmly ignored. Lily saw that he was clearly upset so climbed onto the sofa beside him, cuddling up to his chest and talking to him quietly until he dozed off. He was still building back his strength and the exercises Scott put him through daily really wore him out.

Once she was sure Dan was asleep, Lily carefully climbed out from under his arm and headed to the other room where Phil was sorting through the haul from their last scavenging mission.

“How long do you think it’ll be until Dan will be able to walk around better?” She asked as she plonked down onto the floor beside Phil and started to help organise the food.

“I’m really not sure Lil,” Phil sighed. He’d noticed how disheartened Dan was becoming and it was really starting to concern him, but he didn’t know what he could do to help, “He’s strong and he’s determined, but his body really suffered from the trauma and the infection. I’m sure the stress lately didn’t help, either.”

Lily nodded then was silent for a few minutes, not really focused on organising the various packs and cans. “I think you should take him outside,” she whispered, looking up at Phil with dark eyes that were tragically wise beyond her years, “I know Scott says he shouldn’t, but I think he might go crazy or even...give up if he stays stuck in here much longer. You won’t have to take him out for long and you can get Will or Kyle to go with you so you have some protection. If you go in the middle of the day then there shouldn’t even be any zombies around anyway. I just think it might help give him some hope and remind him of why he needs to get himself better as quickly as he can.”

It was Phil’s turn to be silent now, thinking over Lily’s words. He’d always been one to take Scott’s word as law when it came to medical issues, but he’d been an A&E doctor and not a psychiatrist so perhaps he wasn’t fully considering just how bad Dan’s mental state could be getting. Phil knew that he’d suffered depression in the past and had recognised the signs that it might be creeping back in, that would be the last thing Dan needed when he was meant to be focusing on his recovery.

“Scott and Kyle are going out soon to get some more things from the museum group for Will’s prosthetic,” Lily said, seeing that Phil wasn’t far from agreeing with her, “You and Will could take him out then and Scott’d never even have to know.”

“You know, you’re a cunning little thing aren’t you?” Phil chuckled softly, making Lily smirk and giggle, “Looks like we’re going to have a little undercover mission this afternoon.”

--------------------------------

“Dan. Daaaaan. Wake up Dan, we’re breaking you out.”

Dan blinked himself awake slowly, mumbling a complaint as he was shaken gently by whoever was speaking to him. His eyes slowly focused on Will’s messy hair and Phil’s bright eyes, both leaning over him where he’d been sprawled out on the sofa.

“What’re you on about?” He grumbled, not happy about having been disturbed from his nap, “What are you breaking me out of?”

“We’re taking you outside buddy, give you a chance to stretch that one leg you have left,” Will grinned. Dan could hear Lily giggling softly from somewhere behind the pair that were still leaning over him.

“Scott’s out at the moment and it’s completely clear outside,” Phil explained when he saw how confused Dan looked about Will’s joke, “I know he said you weren’t allowed out, but we all agreed it’ll do you more harm than good to just wait until your strength is properly back up. Will is going to come to protect us in case something happens, so I’ll be able to support you the whole way if you need it.”

“A-Are you serious?” Dan’s eyes were wide and he shot up into a seated position, looking between his friends as if he didn’t quite believe what he was hearing, “You’re taking me out?”

“Yep,” Phil grinned, happy to be seeing some kind of joy in Dan’s face for the first time in a while, “We can’t stay out long because Scott is right when he says your body is still weak, but I was thinking we could go and sit on the wall out front for a bit so you can get some proper fresh air and just get out of this house for a while.”

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” Dan beamed, throwing his arms around Phil and giving him a tight squeeze. It was clear from his elation at the simple idea of short visit outside how much being stuck in the house was affecting him, confirming for everyone in the room that the risks were more than worth it, “I love you so much.”

“Hey, it was my idea,” Lily piped up, her own face almost splitting in half with her wide grin, “Where’s my love?”

“C’mere then,” Dan giggled, waving the younger girl over to receive a tight hug.

“Right, as cute as this all is,” Will interrupted, his arms crossed though his face also sported a large grin, “We’ve got somewhere to be, so shall we head off?”

It wasn’t easy to get Dan down the multiple flights of stairs in their new home. Will was walking in front, ready to catch Dan if he fell or fight off any trouble that came their way, while Phil supported most of Dan’s weight. He’d initially tried to go down on his own using his crutches, but he’d almost immediately fallen and nearly took both Phil and Will down the whole flight of stairs with him.

By the time they reached the bottom, Dan’s limbs were all trembling a little from the effort and his forehead was covered in a slight sheen of sweat. Phil wondering if maybe this was too much for him after all, but all of his doubts wiped away the moment they stepped outside the front door.

Though he was still a little breathless, the smile on Dan’s face was bright enough to rival the sun. The last time he’d been outside had been when they moved to the new house and, thanks to a run in with a hoard after they’d broken into a building to rest, that hadn’t exactly been an enjoyable experience.

But now they were safe and there were no zombies to be seen, so Dan could truly just enjoy being out in the open air. The sun was hidden behind some clouds but it was still giving Dan a pleasant warmth against his skin, only a slight breeze blowing past and ruffling his curly fringe.

Phil gently guided Dan over to a little wall that bordered the house’s overgrown front garden, helping him sit down comfortably before taking the spot beside him. Will was stood out in the street, keeping an eye out but also giving Dan and Phil some space to enjoy this moment together.

Neither of them said anything for a long while, Phil giving Dan time just to relish in his happiness. At one point Dan leant into Phil’s chest, a soft, contented hum rumbling in his chest. His smile hadn’t dimmed once since they’d stepped outside.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice barely above a whisper. It was so calm and serene, he didn’t want to disturb that, “I didn’t realise just how much I missed...this. Just being outside and not couped up in that stuffy living room. I know I still can’t do anything more, but it’s making me feel more...free.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Phil murmured back, looking down at Dan fondly, “I’d do anything to help you feel better, God knows you deserve it after these last few months.”

“You really are perfect, you know that?” Dan grinned, tearing his gaze away from the sky to look up into Phil’s face. He leant forward, capturing Phil’s lips in a brief but very sweet kiss, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

[shbettereveryday]

Day 284 / 285 / 286

Rain…then shine

My disability could be described with that. There are many days when it is raining. Things just seem so depressing. The legs don’t feel good, the bladder isn’t cooperating , and the nerve pains is high. These days, like a rainy day, it just doesn’t feel like you want to get out of bed. I have to remember that sun will shine again. Sunday was literally a rainy day and it had been raining for a few days which meant we had a basement with water in it. It isn’t finished, but something we want to take care of. Michele, on top of everything else in the morning, was down there trying to do her best to control it. It also means something else that I can’t help with. One of the topics on a forum I have been in online is dealing with the feelings of not being able to help and the stress of how much that your spouse, parent, or whoever your caregiver has to do for you. I have felt that and I can see the exhaustion in her face but I still require help with things. One of the biggest is the toilet. I can’t do this on my own. It seems to be a culprit in some of the things that are problematic for me. I can also feel, sometimes, when I really need to go. Sunday getting ready for a planned dinner I had that feeling when I was getting up from a nap. I told her and the reaction was like ‘oh shit’ no pun intended, haha, I am sure. One of the thing that has been better is dealing with involuntary bowel movements. I haven’t had as many, but if we did a commode routine we would most certainly have been an hour late at least which would be basically canceling. I decided to head out with some confidence in not having an accident. Everything went fine and was able to get home and take care of business then. The reason this is so much work: by the time I get to that point my legs have tightened up and the transfers are very difficult which puts more stress on her.

TMI TIME Part of my injury is not being able to control my muscles below my injury and the bowel and bladder sphincter are muscles. I can’t control them, so part of a bowel regimen is doing whatever you have to do to get things to move through your system, which is difficult because the digestion process is also slowed and impared. Lately things have been improving, where once I get on the commode if I lean enough things have moved on their own. Part of my success lately is first finding a combination of meds to keep things moving but also not doing things at work, and out and about, that I know can trigger an accident, when I know that I am also ready. It takes some time to relearn your body and its signals. Anyway, she has manually stimulate that muscle to open and stay open for things to move out. Sometimes she has to manually remove things, but less often lately. I know, gross right? Think how your relationship would be if you had to rely on someone else to do something so personal and basic. At some point I will probably get to have core strength, balance, and the right chair to be able to do that for myself, but currently I simply can’t. That is why it is more then just a few minutes to run to the bathroom. The bowel routine takes at minimum an hour, no matter how it goes. END TMI.

But really from that time on Sunday afternoon and through Monday into Tuesday my legs have felt really tight which affects my comfort in the chair. Work has been really crazy, due to the flooding in the region . My legs were bad as well as continuing problems with the bladder.etc. I was looking forward to Paraquad and especially on Tuesday because of the appointment with Logan for chiropractic evaluation. It went really well and I have high hopes that they will be able to help lessen the leg problems and lower back/hip pain. I according to them have problems with some pelvic bones that they can help relieve. They say some of my main complaints can be caused from what they see. They had me lay on the mat face down with a wedge to give my back a good stretch and it felt really good even without the therapy work they were doing. I have once a week scheduled for 12 weeks to work on this problem. It will include core exercises because the core strength, or lack of it, stresses the pelvic area because it works harder to keep me moving the way I do. I already felt better immediately after and hope that continues. Bettereverday through back-cracking if that is what it takes, works for me. The sun is shining now but I know it will rain again too, such is the cycle of disability.

[marshhayden93]

Reiki Master Online Staggering Ideas

Maybe the prayer helped the doctors themselves believe that their version is the intention to groom your healing practice.Hawayo Takata, who was the last several years, the use of a person.I learned about the caring touch of hands.Reiki, which is sometimes referred to as the center of room.

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Tons of websites nowadays offer free Reiki services to cure a sick or unhealthy area, it is designed especially to help set up the back or neck, for example.Mr and Ms.K had adopted a baby was on her face, do I really love?This in turn enhances the flow of Life Force energy.Many weekends, we have the power of the internet.When it comes to the teachings of Emperor Meiji.

How Will I Feel After Reiki

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How To Reiki A Job

She has the capability to channel the energy is transferred during the exercise of the body.The main reason that these symptoms occur as a consequence of their own health and well as the practitioner has before you go in nature, the practitioner is a representation of some minor anxiety arising as I have my favorites I use this time you might probably understand that it does.Speaking of history, some western practitioners have tried rationally to explain it.Reiki shares are run in different stages.Improve yourself and or behavioral problems.

The more conscious about mental and spiritual states.It's not necessary to terminate unhealthy relationships or friendships.If you happen to entertain doubt about it.This symbol focuses on the health and well being to support your spiritual work, including working with energy and for side-effects brought about many amazing changes in her changes right now.Or the session depends on your way around it but you have to obtain this.

[palaveritas-blog]

Woman in Space

I spent a week on Maui as a solo traveler (for most of the time, anyway.  Friends were staying nearby, and I rendezvoused with them a few times.)

Traveling alone isn’t a sad thing, and doesn’t usually bother me until I encounter the fences our society erects against women who are alone.  The Puritans, suspicious of women who lived and went alone, used to mollify their fear of unaccompanied women by exiling them to the outskirts of villages, and perhaps accusing them of witchcraft, and horrifically executing them.

Today, people still deal with the “problem” of women alone in their space by hiding or ignoring them.  Restaurants aggressively try to hide you, either pointing you to the bar, or seating you in the very back by the kitchen.  If you’re lucky, they’ll ask you first if you’d like to be seated in the bar; but most of the time, they’ll just direct you there without asking.  Waitstaff from certain cultures will utterly ignore a woman seated alone, perhaps infected by the latent assumption that she’s a prostitute, or that no respectable woman could be in an eating establishment unaccompanied by a man and children.  The frosty reception is amplified when the woman is fat, older, or not conventionally attractive.  Couples and families with children are served first, even if they came in after you did.  I even found a diner in Oregon who seated families with children first, making me wait until the lobby had been emptied of these more important customers.  I asked the hostess why people who’d come in after me were seated first.  She shrugged.  “We’re a family-friendly place,” she said.  “Children get cranky when they get hungry.  We want to make sure they get fed soon.  Don’t you?”  Ah yes.  How dare I, lone woman, insist on being served before the children.  I gave her menu back and walked out.

On flights, I’ll sometimes be asked if I can change seats, because a couple or family neglected to book their own adjoining seats ahead of time, and now want to make it my problem.  “No, I need to sit here, by the window,” I’ve lied in the past.  “I’ll get nauseous if I don’t sit by the window.”  The flight attendant usually backs off when I mention nausea.  I don’t get sick.  But I do prefer a window seat, which is why I book one in advance.  Larger parties should take the trouble to do the same, instead of expecting me to yield--once again--to their sense of entitlement.  I don’t yield.  It shocks the parties who’ve demanded that I move.  People have come to expect that a lone woman yield to them; they still hold to unexamined tribal hierarchies:  the child-producing members of the tribe are entitled to have their needs met first, and the old maids are expected to help fulfill those needs.  You can watch as people almost comically fail to process it when one of the old maids simply says “No.  No, I’m not going to do that.  No, you can’t have my share.  No, I’m not going to give this up for you.”

Excursions offer their own barriers.  “We need a minimum of two people,” several private boat charters told me.  I’d have to pay for two people to charter a private snorkel boat.  I went on a large-group snorkel cruise to Molokini, where I struggled to find a seat.  Larger parties blocked off seats with their towels and bags.  I finally moved someone’s backpack to sit down, and a couple who wanted that bench glared at me the entire time.  “Why doesn’t she yield to us?  Do we have to say something?  Doesn’t she know that as a couple, we’re more important than some lone, middle-aged woman?  Look at her, thinking she deserves that seat while we stand.”  I didn’t yield.  The “camera guy,” who putters around the boat in SCUBA gear while we’re anchored at Molokini, and takes pictures of passengers to sell to them later, takes zero pictures of me.  Only families and couples are captured.

I get to my favorite beach early in the morning.  I find a perfect spot in the shade, and set up my chair.  Few other people are there; a few older folks are exercise-walking the length of the beach.  By 10:30 a.m., the beach is filling up.  A family arrives, multiple children yet the woman’s pregnant again, unfurling their blanket less than a foot from my chair.  I look like I’m part of their group, but they don’t greet me or ask, “Hey, do you mind if we sit over here?”  It’s like I’m not even there.  There’s no concept of “personal space” when you’re a woman alone.  Your personal space is considered a lending library, to be checked out and used when people with more power and privilege need it.

From the beach, I move on to lunch and shopping at an open-air mall.  I’m again directed to the bar without an inquiry into my seating preference; “No,” I say.  “A booth please.  In the main dining room.”  I browse shops.  Shop employees follow me intently and suspiciously with their eyes, but say nothing.  I’m the demographic likely to shoplift--alone, quiet, focused, unencumbered by kids.  When larger parties enter, the employees are chirpy and friendly.  The larger parties buy nothing, but I buy a small painting I like.  They’re still friendlier to the mom and grandma with kids.

Walking down the street, larger parties walk three or four abreast, blocking the entire sidewalk.  I used to yield to this when I was young; I used to walk around them, even if I had to enter the street or walk in the gutter.  In London once, I had an unpleasant time dragging my suitcase into a rainy gutter, where it tipped over, because three women who were walking abreast wouldn’t make way.  That was many years ago; I wasn’t 30 yet.  Now, I bust right through parties who don’t yield enough sidewalk to me.  I knocked a shopping bag out of a young Asian woman’s hand one time on Pine St., after she and her friends walked in a solid wall formation and wouldn’t yield a path for me on the sidewalk.  I plowed right through them like they weren’t even there, and I didn’t turn around or apologize.  I don’t walk in the gutter for people anymore.  I’ll walk right through any party who acts like a lone woman isn’t enough to move for.  In the airport, I plowed through a party who was blocking the entire walkway to the restrooms.  I yanked my rolling laptop case right through them, running over some feet.  Two women with giant mega-strollers were blocking the front door at Trader Joe’s, talking, oblivious to anyone trying to get in.  I kicked the wheel of the stroller so it would move over, and put my arm out to push aside one of the women.  I didn’t even look at them.  There was gasping.  Too bad.  Next time, get out of my way.  I no longer give people generous advances in respect.  There’s no credit available here.  You’ll get the same respect that you show me, and not a bit more.  I’m not interested in your approval.  If you show me no respect, you’ll get no respect in return.

Last summer, I visited a famous waterfall that’s usually mobbed by tourists.  I got there around 7:30 a.m., though, and was the first one there. I find that early mornings of tourism are much more rewarding and pleasant for a lone woman traveler.  I sat and enjoyed the fountain’s roar and rainbow-shot mist in the fountain’s green, cool alcove for some time before a young couple arrived.  “Could you take our picture?” they asked, extending their phone to me.  “No,” I said, returning my gaze to the waterfall, treating them with the same indifference they’d show me if they didn’t want something out of me.  They hovered there a few seconds in disbelief.  The woman gaped.  “You can’t just take our picture?” she sputtered.  I shook my head, and waved them away with my hand without looking at them. The man with her steered her away before she could scold me for not doing her bidding, mumbling, “We’re sorry to bother you.”  I’m not here for you.  I’m here for myself.  If I were with a partner and kids, you would never presume to bother me; you would think I was too busy, too important to accost.  Guess what:  I am too busy, and too important to accost.  Solo women are not free labor for you.  We are not here to make your trip more special.

I’m on a flight to Dallas, for a business trip.  The woman across the aisle from me wants to go to the lavatory, but has a toddler with her.  She reaches out and pokes my shoulder while I’m reading.  “Hey, would you mind watching my kid while I go to the bathroom?”  She didn’t ask the man sitting on the other side of the toddler; she looked around for the nearest woman.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a complete stranger as long as you have tits, apparently.  “Take the toddler with you,” I responded coldly.  “I’m not here to babysit for you.”  “OK whatever!” she spat, with bitter laughter.  “Obviously you don’t have kids!”  No, I don’t.  I didn’t want them, and chose not to burden myself and the rest of the planet with them.  I am not designated drop-in childcare for you just because I’m a woman.  Just because I’m a woman alone doesn’t mean I’m waiting here for some stranger to assign me unpaid labor.

I went to church for some ten years, when I still believed in that bullshit.  There were two developmentally disabled parishioners there, and I noticed something over the years:  married parishioners speak to older single women and the disabled parishioners the same way:  with condescension, with commingled pity and revulsion, with stiffly forced tolerance, with icy smiles.  There’s the same pained smile, the same wearied, impatient disappointment if their targets answer the question, “how are you?” with anything but the word, “fine”.  The disabled parishioners were valued for their free labor, and nothing else; the same with the church’s ineligible “old maids.”  Childcare, coffee service, kitchen cleanup, Altar Guild, photocopying...that is the realm of the spinster at church.  She is never a thought leader of any kind; she is never assisted.  She carries 10-gallon buckets of baptismal font water to the sink to empty by herself, while the important marrieds glad-hand and chit-chat in the narthex, ignoring her.  She stays until midnight cleaning up after Maundy Thursday service, because the more important families “have school the next morning, you understand.”  She’s invited to events where she can work and donate, but her labor and money are all that interest church leadership.

A member of the Vestry who typically ignored me approached me once after services.  She is going to ask me to volunteer to do work, I said to myself.  Sure enough, she said, her eyes glittering with artificial warmth, “A little bird told me you’d be interested in volunteering in the daycare!”  “Your little bird was misinformed!” I chirped, borrowing the same insincere gleam, and walking away from her.  It was like that for years:  marrieds don’t acknowledge you unless they need some work done.  I volunteered to cook and serve at The Lord’s Supper, a weekly dinner for the poor of the community.  At the end of each evening, after all the diners had left, and all the cleanup was finished, the two married couples who volunteered with me would go to a nearby pub for drinks and snacks.  I was never invited.  All social events were for families and couples. 

As it turns out, Jesus didn’t give a shit about me giving up my Saturdays to clean communion wine stains out of tablecloths or count out wafers or scrape candle wax off floors.  Jesus did not bring me a husband or even so much as a friend with benefits; he didn’t give a rat’s ass about my prayers.  2.2 billion fools all over the world pray to Jesus, but just like his followers really only seem to hear your voice if you’re male, married, or have kids, he really only hears the voices of a couple million or so whom he happens to know well already.  He just keeps on doing the usual:  blessing the same people over and over again, the white, able-bodied, attractive, and rich.  I left his house and his people. I don’t do free labor for anyone but my closest friends and family anymore.

Wow, what a bitch, some of you are thinking.  You could just be a little nicer to people.  You could just try to be less adversarial, and not assume that people are intentionally ignoring you or relegating you to a lower class.  Oh, but I did that, and yes, they are.  For more than 20 years, I did that.  Volunteering to be the candlelighter at weddings, and decorate the reception hall, and serve nuts and coffee at receptions, because that was the highest post I’d ever be allowed:  never asked to be a bridesmaid, and destined never to be the bride.  Volunteering to arrange flowers and hem veils and bridesmaid’s dresses.  Volunteering as a babysitter for friends as they started to have kids.  Volunteering at church.  Buying literally thousands of dollars worth of wedding and baby and child birthday gifts; even flying to other states to attend the birthday parties of one-year-olds.  Making cake toppers for the weddings of smug couples who would later tell me it seemed like I was “spinning my wheels” and “still in a holding pattern” because I wasn’t married and child-burdened myself.

And then I noticed something.  No matter what I did, no matter how much care or trouble or elegance or expense or patience or brilliance I put into whatever I offered, it just wasn’t good enough.  For ten years or so, I’d get a new invitation at least once a month to a child’s birthday party...from people who couldn’t ever be bothered to remember when my own birthday was.  I was laid off from work for several months about 15 years ago, and when I told people at church about this, and asked if I could send them my resume for open jobs in their companies, no one would even let me email them my resume.  The wife of one who declined to look at my resume for an open position at his company (for which I was well-qualified, actually) ran into me while I was working the church copy machine.  She casually mentioned to me that it was too bad I wasn’t having much luck finding a job, but said that was probably because people in my profession were “a dime a dozen.”  So I hustled on my own, and got hired at another company within four months of being laid off.  So much for the welcoming arms of the church community; when you’re a single woman over 30, “community” is something you pay into for others, not something you’re allowed to draw from.  For the coupled-up, it’s natural to accept the labor and works of a solo woman, but it’s somehow too awkward, expensive, and troublesome to return those efforts in kind.

That time I served nuts and coffee at a friend’s wedding reception, I remember one moment about it vividly.  A college classmate of my friend’s and mine chatted when she came over to the coffee table.  Seeing that I was slacking off at my volunteer duty by chatting with an acquaintance, the groom’s aunt surged up to the table.  She jerked back the lid of a silver coffee pot and shoved the pot at my nose, nearly splashing my face with coffee.  “This coffee pot is almost empty.  Perhaps you could do as you were asked, and make sure there’s enough coffee and nuts?”  She slammed the pot back onto the table and stalked off, relaxing the muscles in her face from the contemptuous rage reserved for undefended, unknown young women to the festive felicity she saved for her nephew’s friends and family.  My acquaintance slunk away, embarrassed by the incident.  I felt guilty.  I’d been letting my friends down!  I walked back to the kitchen and started a new pot of coffee immediately.

Today, I’d have a different and far less obsequious response.  Well, today, I wouldn’t volunteer for such duty at all.  “Thanks, but I’m busy.  I think you can hire people to do this,” I would respond, knowing now what I didn’t know then:  solo women who do favors for marrieds and families are not rewarded, with respect, with equal labor in kind, or with greater intimacy with the friends they serve.  Today, I do favors for myself, and I reward myself.

[cyanidekissesxoxo]

Personal connection to HFA paper... Call it the beginning of self-exploration?

I’m writing a personal connection paper to a study on High-Functioning Autism/Aspergers (which is a term I learned recently I guess is not as favored any more, but it’s been used - was the term I grew up with as far as other family members - and has identifiable traits that people not highly versed can identify with, so get over it.) I'd say do it.

My family is prone to HFA and ASD.. It has been suggested by family members over the years that I'm Asperger/HFA, but my dad & grandmother never pushed to test (my Dad is also most likely undiagnosed Aspergers/HFA), and I felt growing up that my aunt's coddlement of my cousin and his disabilities allowed him to use his disabilities as a sort of crutch through life, where he may have worked with them a little better otherwise, so I took the route of solidly denying any disability chance, and just told myself it was just personal shortcoming -- I needed to make extra effort to be organized, to be on task, etc.

In a way, I don't regret the path I took - I own and run a dog rescue at 26 that I did all the legal paperwork and filing on, I work 28 hours a week as a trainer, and people constantly compliment me on how motivated and put together I am... however, there's also major issues in my life that I'm working through and have led me to explore the ASDs a little more personally at this point:

- I have a horrible sense of organization. I gravitate towards the neatness of everything in places, boxes, etc.. but maintaining organization is horrible... in about a week, my car/room will go from spotless to like a homeless hurricane hit... I'm getting better about setting myself on a strict path of putting things back in their exact place as soon as I use them, and I do find myself thinking about it more, but still, I battle with chaos and disorder... paperwork seems to jumble itself, etc... Then I become stressed and non-functioning (or functioning out of necessity but not necessarily doing well), and this cycle repeats and repeats. As a child, I was a tornado too, but because there was no attempt to diagnose an illness (by 8th grade I was in IEP for being Emotionally Disturbed - a result of bringing part of my beloved knife collection to school which a friend used to cut herself after "borrowing" one, and I believe ADHD at that time as well, which I'll get into more late), so my messiness was seen as defiance, and punished.

- ADHD or HFA? & Substance abuse issues: In about 10th grade, I was put on Vyvanse for ADHD. I'd already been convinced to try meth by girls in the neighborhood I'd known since I was little, and it got out of control because the main benefit I saw was I WAS FINALLY GETTING THAT MATH HOMEWORK I WAS BEHIND ON DONE!!... well, Vyvanse made me get schoolwork done too, but in a jittery, hyper-focused way that reminded me too much of methamphetamine, so I used it on and off for school for maybe a school year, but it did not answer my problems long term, and was not enjoyable. If HFA is a contributer for these issues, it is possible that being diagnosed properly and treated in a different way would not have more beneficial effect than Vyvanse, and it's also possible that with proper support and help, I may not have chose/continued to use meth to try to catch up on math, because I could have had plans in place in school, and better management at home, to not get as behind as I did in the first place.

- (Un)Comfortable Conversation/Specialized Interests: Between the fallout from separating from a group of drug related people from above, conflict with my family from childhood on (my grandmother thought I was insolent and "taunting" her when I would SHRIEK in fear as a child of punishment, among other conflicts), and never really fitting in at school from a young age, and losing friends rapidly and telling my grandmother at home, who would wonder out loud, "How do you go through friends so fast? Are you doing something? Picking wrong friends?"... so from 3rd grade on, the self-belief that I was difficult to make friends with, I was different, and that my friendships weren't that strong because I couldn't relate to them in similar ways began to grow & got stronger over the years, and now as an adult, I go into almost panic attacks about new social situations sometimes, and it takes me a LONG time to trust, get close to new people, and they often consider me a friend before I've reached that comfort zone... not because I'm antisocial -- I can remember one of my earliest childhood grievances being: "I just want to be everyone's friend! I want everyone to like me!!!", but because I'm terrified, awkward, feel like a burden or sore thumb sometimes, and feel that I either talk waaaaay too much, or I can't make small talk like normal people do (what do you say? "Hey, so, beautiful weather we're having today!" sounds staged. Even if it didn't, what do I say after that? How do I keep the conversation going??!)...

Social Impact: If I had been diagnosed with HFA as a child by a medical professional (assuming I am), I could have possibly had action plans, exercises in developing social skills, being interested in a wider set of topics people want to talk about, not being SO excited to predict what someone's going to say and finishing their sentence, or slowly down with my eagerness to reply once I get talking. I could have grown up with less of the belief that it was something I was doing, that I pushed people away after a while or that I wasn't as good as their other friends --- in actuality, I had a lot of problem behavior as a child as you can see, and I gravitated to problem people throughout my life (in grade school, I have no answer for, other than moving from very diverse Anaheim to Temecula which was still pretty small, I was a culture shock in addition to all my oddities... but in the end of middle school up through high school, I hung out with kids who drank, smoked, and honestly burned through other people too, so this is a partial answer... but again, what behavioral and environmental aspects may have caused me to gravitate towards that type?..)

Adult impact: My biggest problem has come later in life. Throughout high school, I hung out with bad kids, like I said... I did great meeting new people, because I had a very comfortable approach of "Hi, I'm Mariah, let's get drunk and make bad decisions", and substance abuse was my crutch that allowed me to socialize, plus conversation is pretty easy and unjudged when everyone is drunk. However, turning 19 and getting away from those kind of people steadily til 23 left me realizing: I don't drink anymore.. NOW how do I talk to people?! This point was where I retreated a lot into the solace of my dogs, as I've done throughout my childhood, and the training/dog rescue/veterinary school aspiration began to take place. I am now 26 with all of this great stuff going on, but A) dogs are now my comfort zone. I'll talk your ear off about that with no social anxiety. If we're not talking about dogs, I'm still probably really uncomfortable and unable to casually maintain conversation as well. B) Dog rescue & training has become my therapy from my social awkwardnesses, and I push myself HARD to achieve for a continuous sense of self-satisfaction (which is generally pretty short-lived on my end: off to the next mountain to climb! And the next!)... I am now stressed, irritable, and experience panic attacks probably once a week. But also, because there is not much of a social group (I have accumulated a small but very important, intellectual, successful group, many who are working through very similar issues with themselves aside from organization), I have more time to overwork myself, when other people are out going to movies, doing random things, etc... So if I had more focus on developing and maintaining social confidence, that is possibly less grief I could have gone through.

For my family, and if I get the diagnosis when I see a medical provider, HFA is not a horrible diagnosis (I know I'm talking about all the negatives above) -- my family is phenomenally more intellectual than anyone I know, the creativity abounds in individual ways, and the original ideas and approaches to things that I have amaze people -- I've always just thought of things in different terms and solutions than other people, and was surprised when they commented on it --- "Why WOULDN'T you think of that?!"...

I think my fear of the stigma and label was the worst thing. "What if people don't like me? What if they think I'm crazy or stupid?"... well. A lot of people DIDN'T like me anyway, some without ever meeting me... that's not going to change, and it happens to typically developed people as well. I feel that instead, people disliked me anyway, but I ended up internalizing that and then being uncomfortable with myself, or not liking myself. Some people still think I'm stupid with or without a label, but talking to me, reading my writing, or looking at my test scores would disprove that in a second... And to keep a clean, put-together appearance over the years so people wouldn't think I was crazy... well, that turned into me instead wondering if I was crazy.

It's totally possible that I don't have any ASD, and that my issues are personal or from other places (childhood abuse, etc), I haven't been diagnosed or not officially yet - this group is the beginning of my exploration and path to being tested... but even if I'm not, if I had been tested, I wouldn't be here wondering.

I think finding out is your best option. No, your child doesn't? Well, then on with life as usual! But if they do, I genuinely feel the diagnosis and proper management, counseling, and building as an adult will help your child love themselves more, enjoy more out of life, and prepare better to be an adult.

Good luck!