#especially at 5 am when I should be sleeping 🙃

[retroautomaton]

early morning hand studies ✏️☕️

[never-not-ever]

Day Two

I wish I wrote about the meeting right away because (broken record) I can't remember it all, seems so fuzzy, which has become my new favorite word regarding my memory apparently.

Way too much nonsense ahead so putting it under the cut. And I'm way too tired to reread all this so please excuse any errors 🙃.

I ended up putting ear plugs in around change of shift cause my room is right next to two areas where teams meet with people and the constant opening of the doors and people talking is so loud. There's a sign on my door that says to leave the door cracked after checks. I'm not sure if my roommate put it there or the patients before her but I'm not about to ask her if we can shut the door cause I don't want her to say yes if she really wants it open. Like I don't want her to feel like she has to say okay. And honestly once I have the ear plugs in it's really not that bad.

It's funny I used to prefer the room to be in total darkness. Like blinds shut, door shut, even the blurry window I'd cover up with dark construction paper to dim the light coming through but now it's all the opposite and I'm okay with it. Probably cause at home I got so used to falling asleep with all the lights on, out of sheer laziness/having no energy to get up once I started to get tired.... why am I rambling about this??????

Moving on. My doctor woke me up this morning and I was confused cause the ear plugs I couldn't really hear her. I thought she was waiting for me but when I went out the room was empty. So I went back to bed but she came back soon after and then I met with the both of them.

We talked a lot about self harm and SI. Asked me if I want to get better, why I came back, what I'm looking to get out of this, goals, etc. She made comments about my Nana needing to come in for a meeting so we can all discuss how serious all this is especially the self harm since it's moved to my chest. Which the medical doctor asked to take pictures to add it to my chart (nothing out of the normal) but I'm guessing my doctor saw them. And like it's really not that big of a deal. I started self harming there during my last admission. It actually was the last time I self harmed that admission and then it stopped for like 5-6 weeks as I was working hard for discharge.

My doctor was talking about how she thinks I really need to do the intense DBT residential program here that's all private pay. Saying how my Nana should think about remortgaging the house, how it's going to be the thing that saves me. Like that program is so fucking expensive and maybe it's worth it but like I don't know if my Nana would even consider that. Then again she respects and likes my doctor and I feel like she would do anything my doctor thinks is best for me.

But I don't know if I could handle the guilt knowing how much she's dishing out. And this is the same program that told me I needed to wait 6 months and be "stable" before reapplying to their IOP program which helloooo is also out of pocket but it's 10% the amount of the residential program and it's 6 months instead of 60 days.

My doctor also mentioned the partial program here (covered by insurance) and how they'd take me again. So honestly I'd rather go that route. Do the partial program and then get acquainted with my PACT team.

Another big topic of the meeting was how I never got a job. No wonder things never got better, not wonder I got worse (which arguably I feel like things were a lot worse a month ago, hence the "why am I here/I made a mistake" but also the increased urges cause things aren't "bad enough/valid enough").

Okay I think I'm done with the meeting.

But because of said meeting SI and self harm urges just increased after that. I tried to go back to bed and my doctor walked by my room and was like "so are we just going to sleep the rest of the day away".

I went to the 11 group. Couldn't focus on a word of it. Ate my egg bites from Dunkin and took a nap before my Nana came at 2.

I felt bad that I wasn't really looking forward to my Nana coming and would have told her to not come but she was bringing some stuff. It wasn't her specifically just not having any energy or to put on a face. She brought me my new Nalgene bottle I ordered and my Dunkin cold brew packets from home so I'm going to try to make my own coffee here.

After she left I placed a small order of groceries. Coffee creamer, diet Birch Beer, Starbucks Pink Drinks, yogurt, frozen strawberries, granola, Morningstar Farms bbq "ribs" (my new addiction), corn, chapstick... I think that's it. I tried napping while waiting for the delivery.

My stuff came, staff went through it. Put my granola in the patient snack cabinet cause the bag was too big but I literally have the same sized bag of other snacks in my room, like all counselors have different versions of what's "too big" it's annoying but also not the end of the world.

So I made dinner, sat and talked to a friend which is always so nice to catch up. And we now follow each other on here, lol, hi if you're reading this 🙃.

Then I had a check in with my nurse and honestly I wasn't looking forward to it and was just going to do safety questions and not actually talk but he ended up being really understanding and validating and it was a nice check in.

I made a plan with him to keep busy and out of my head which is the worst place for me lately because urges are just getting worse the longer I go without. So I colored with my friend from earlier. Then tried to type up the rest of my Day One post. Then played Ticket to Ride with said friend and another lady who we've all been here since last year, well except me and my 3.5 month break lol.

It's a weird bittersweet thing to have those two. Like it's nice having familiar faces especially people who I was close with before but obviously I wish this wasn't the place where we were catching up.

That brings me up to date. I think. Oh well.

[sol-draws-sometimes]

Disc World bookclub thoughts- Monstrous Regiment

Pages 20-28

Hey @anna-neko ! Did I miss last week… yes. BUT JUST BECAUSE I MISS ONE WEEK DOESN’T MEAN I JUST ABANDON THIS. Look, finals are the week, so these past few weeks have been alot… also I’ve been hyperfocusing on dnd(stares in adhd). I’ve barely read but that’s alright. Once finals are over, I’m going on a roadtrip, so I should have time to read when we’re driving(unless I catch up on critical role…we’ll see).

It’s so late and I’m literally way too tired for nuance. With expectations set, Lets go

“Ankh-Morpork is a godawful city,” he said. “Poisonous, just like its river. Barely fit for humans now, they let everything in—zombies, werewolves, dwarfs, vampires, trolls—“

Something something we live in a society. Cue family talking about how NYC is corrupting the youth or something 🙃. Tbh, insert any big progressive city, and it should work for most of them.

A lot of good stuff in this page(and the next few ones)

1. Something Something colonialism bad. They[Borogravia] are the bad guys here🏃🏃🏃

2. Cool POV stuff coming back. Especially with the song and what not

3. Damn Strappi’s certainly something

4. I hate nationalism. The line b/w patriotism and nationalism is real hard sometimes. I mean, something something, true patriotism is knowing how your country’s fucked, and wanting to it be better. You fight for change cause you love it, and that is way more patriotic than just blinding fighting for country and defending it, even when it is in the wrong.

5. Uggh, the national anthem. Yes the flag thing is an actual thing we do in US. And certain teachers DO loss their shit if you don’t stand up/sing. Look, it’s not like I’m trying to disregard veterans, it’s just… weird and indoctrinationy. Plus, they added, “Under God,” during the cold war so, that feels even more insidious.

6. Poor Wazzer man. I’m glad he rebels in his own small way. Small acts of rebellion are still rebellious.

7. Learning new phrases! I figured due to context clues, but it’s always good to check.

Literally this conversation is literally my fucking thoughts

Uuuuh. War bad! Look. See!

“Well, I’m not buying into it. It’s all trickery. They keep you down and when they piss off some other country, you have to fight for them! It’s only your country when they want you to get killed!” said Tonker.”

Tonker. King Behavior!

And just as they’re going to sleep, so am I.

Fuck this book is good!

Here’s another quote good night!

It’s all lies, she thought muzzily. Some of them are just prettier than others, that’s all. People see what they think is there. Even I’m a lie. But I’m getting away with it.

Ps: I realized last time I stopped at pg 20 but wrote 60… my bad.(should be fixed now tho)

I will add ID text some other date cause I don't have the mental energy rn. I just did, scan text, and copy pasted it into alt w/out checking. If someone besides Anna finds this post and wants them, just @ me in the comment and I'll @ you when I finish this.

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[ardent-fox]

✨️ Joy List ✨️

Got tagged by the wonderful @metalheadmickey, @look-i-love-u and @deathclassic to create this joy list, thank you my darlings! 🥰

💙 Coming out bi after 20 years of feeling all the feelings. It only happened 3 weeks ago, first here and then to a handful of close people. I grew up and still live in a pretty conservative, close-minded country where saying such a thing could get you in trouble, so having the opportunity to be myself here has been very important to me. Putting a finger on this in this stage of life has been a strange, emotional roller-coaster, but I already feel like a happier, more confident person for finding the balls to ride it.

💙 This place, all of you, the friendships I've made and all the things I got to learn and experience because of them.

💙 The bunny content that Myn @vintagelacerosette shares with me! It's so sweet and thoughtful, especially when life is crazy and I'm not that active here.

💙 Fanart! Fanfics! Gif sets! Headcanons! Having my mind blown by everything on a daily basis cause the boy dolls inspire us all so much is a beautiful thing.

💙 Maintaining a healthier sleep schedule. I'm a person that has to actively keep it going cause it doesn't come naturally to me and being able to experience sunny mornings while in the right state of mind has been amazing.

💙 The job applications I've been sending out. There’s only one I'm really coveting, but no matter what happens it's been great finding decent ads to inspire some daydreams.

💙 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend marathons. I've just finished binging season 1 and the theater buff in me has been living, it's so good!

💙 The fact that my brother and his family will become my neighbors this autumn once they finish renovating the apartment in the building across from ours. Can't wait to have my nephew live so close and have him play in our building's park as he grows up, what a small world.

💙 Our plan to start major renovations on our own home in the summer of 2024. A few things have to line up for that to happen and it's going to be a challenging thing to live through, but the idea of it makes me excited like nothing else.

💙 Going to the movies more often lately and getting tickets to two upcoming local concerts. Hubby and I decided to prioritize experiences over gifts to mark certain occasions and I think it's the best decision we've ever made.

💙 The decision to invest in myself this year and change up my wardrobe and style a little once my financial situation is a bit more stable. I feel that I've neglected this while working from home for 5 years and am ready to introduce Lyds 2.0 to the world.

💙 How happy Jasper the bun has been lately. Just running around, doing binkies and honking his little heart out for no particular reason.

💙 The day getting longer and the mild, winter sun keeping me warm on my walks lately. It feels like spring is around the corner and I couldn't be more glad.

💙 Just hope. After the last few crappy years, I realized I've been afraid to feel it because of all the hardships that kept dashing it. But I'm slowly finding my way back to it as I try my luck out in the world again, and realizing I can restart my life an infinite number of times makes me want to hold on to it with all I have.

That's about it for this time around, I feel like this was an intense joy list and I probably should have journaled some of this shit out instead, but oh well 🙃 I'm a little out of the loop so ignore me if you've done this already, but I'm tagging @look-i-love-u, @celestialmickey, @gallawitchxx, @vintagelacerosette, @heymrspatel, @thisdivorce, @crossmydna, @squidyyy23, @mikhailoisbaby, @auds-and-evens, @sickness-health-all-that-shit, @imikhailotakeyouian, @too-schoolforcool, @tanktopgallavich, @ian-galagher and anyone who sees this and would like to play!