#emotional regulation is NOT here at all for me. and i'm trying so hard not to let it get the best of me

[cordeliawhohung]

cordelia where are you please don’t abandon ur children! (in all seriousness i hope ur okay i know you take hiatuses when people start getting rude and ungrateful about these amazing works you put out!) sending love💌

hi hello yes i am somewhat alive sorry. it was actually some irl stuff that put me out. trying my best to take breaks and all but y'all know how it is. hope you all have been well <3

[whoatemyshoe]

Skipping an important party bc someone who emotionally abused me, another who emotionally manipulated me, and another who cheated on me, are attending too. I want to scream

[creekfiend]

I wanted to make a bonsai kitten recovery post that outlines some of the stuff that I've been doing. Because I don't think that you need to ✨see a therapist✨ to start dealing with a lot of this stuff and I get really frustrated when that is the answer that everyone is constantly giving. Firstly a disclaimer, because I know what website I am on: this is a guide for things that have worked for me! I am not everyone and if there are things on here that do not work for you or even that you think are stupid, that is fine, but please do not make it my problem. If you are reading it and you're like "that sounds like it would actually be detrimental to my specific mental health because of my specific issues" then please disregard it. Use your critical thinking skills and do what you think is right for you!

My second disclaimer is that I didn't make any of this up myself; most of these are collected from various places either in therapeutic guide books or various websites about emotional regulation etc. Some of it is stuff that I have extrapolated from those places based on experience with what works for me or does not work for me. A lot of the way that I treat myself when I need to get my body and brain into a place where I can think about stuff productively is actually directly from gentle parenting guides, because frankly cptsd recovery stuff is very often like parenting a toddler. And the toddler is you. ALL THAT SAID,

The first skill that I had to get good at, that many of the other skills depend on, is to learn how to understand when I am Reacting to something. If I am Reacting it is extremely likely that that's going to only escalate the situation and make it much worse. I HAVE to be able to tell if I am Reacting emotionally to something in a way that is coming from a place of fear and panic. This is important because it involves not being prescriptive about your emotions. You could be Reacting to something that you do not logically feel is at all justified in making you feel that way and that doesn't matter! You can't be doing math equations to try to come to the answer of how you SHOULD be feeling; you have to be observing your mind and body to see how you factually ARE feeling and then respond to THAT. This can be really hard to learn how to do especially if you were abused as a child. (If you cannot think of yourself as someone who is abused as a child perhaps it would help to think of yourself as someone who simply was not taught various emotional regulation skills for mysterious reasons that have nothing to do with your parents' inadequacies.) I need to be able to glance inward and see what the physiological reaction that I'm having is and identify whether or not I feel like this is the biggest emergency in the world that needs to be addressed right now immediately! That is a sure sign that Mr Fight and Mr Flight are in the building and it is bad to make declarative statements or important decisions when that is the case. So, I have to work on dismissing them first. That is literally the first step to any of this. One of my friends calls this "fire mittens," which is to say, if you are wearing mittens that are on fire and you try to touch stuff, the stuff will also become on fire. You have to put the fire out first before you can touch other things.

Once I have determined that I am indeed Reacting and in a physiological state of fear, I have a document in my notes app that is a "what to do when you are in fight or flight mode" guide and it has several helpful things that I will try to outline here.

Firstly, the really important thing for me for trying to get back into an emotional state where I'm capable of making decisions and being thoughtful is to feel safe and comfortable. So I actually have some stuff in my document that is straight up just like "go in the blankie nest. put on this specific music album. light this specific scented candle." etc. You might want to have a specific food or drink that is comforting to you or some other sort of stim toy that helps you regulate. If there's any calming medication or supplements for anxiety that you take as needed, now is also the time to do that. Physical sensory grounding is really important for this. This is probably especially true if, like me, you are neurodivergent, but I think it is also true for everyone because we are animals! And you can't just think about it, you have to actually do it. Which sounds obvious but is the thing that has often tripped me up in the past. Once you start getting into the habit of actually physically doing this it DOES become easier though.

One of my rules is that if I want to respond to something but I am in fight or flight mode, I don't get to respond to it for at least 24 hours. I'm only allowed to respond once I've gotten myself out of fear mode. If it is some kind of comment on Facebook that has set me off, often this means that 24 hours later I realize that I actually don't want to get into it to begin with, which is great. If it's something that is pretty serious and interpersonal with a friend, sometimes that means I have to communicate to them that I'm going to take a while to process it and then get back to them. IMPORTANT: You CANNOT do this passive aggressively or else it undermines the whole thing. You can't phrase it in a way that will make your friends think that you are guilt tripping them for "making" you feel a way. It is VERY tempting to do this when you are in the first stages of trying to form this habit and you simply need to resist the urge because it will render this step worthless. I know. It sucks.

If I am feeling fearful and insecure about friends or loved ones, I also usually try to spend some time thinking about the people that I love and care about. Because often this stuff manifest for me as insecurity that the people that I care about do not care about me, or that they think that I'm being annoying, or that they are secretly thinking mean things about me. It's obviously not good for me to constantly be imagining that the people in my life who I care about are actually avatars of my own insecurity who are here to tell me that I'm secretly fundamentally unlovable! But crucially also it's ALSO not fair to those people to imagine them as that. They are not that guy, they are their own complex human beings with their own lives and experiences and interiority. So sometimes I do thought exercises where I will imagine my friends or loved ones doing things in their everyday lives and I will think about them as people and I will think about the things that they like to do and the things that they say and the places that they go, and I will try to imagine them fondly in those circumstances. This helps to remind me that they are just people and that the scary puppet wearing their faces is not real. To this end I sometimes will have a document of screenshots of things that they have said to me that I can use to reality check myself. I personally find reality checks to be essential for a lot of this. Things can feel true when they are not true at all. Things can feel wrong when they are actually true. The point of most of these exercises is to gently remind myself that those feelings are normal for me to be having, but that I do not need to let them dictate my responses.

It is crucial throughout all of this that you are nice to yourself. You can't talk to yourself in a mean way while you're doing this, or you will not get to a point where you are feeling safe enough to react from a place of not-fear. You can't make yourself feel ashamed or defensive for your emotional reactions. This is the particular area where I find gentle parenting protocols helpful. You HAVE to be patient with yourself.

Ok that's all for now bc I ran out of steam but I will try to think of more to add on another day maybe. Godspeed everyone

[kalki-tarot]

What's next in this connection ? 💘

Take a few deep breathes, ground yourself and pick only one picture from any of the four above.

Disclaimer - kalki-tarot does not guarantee any tarot predictions to be accurate and is not responsible for any actions or decisions you make in your life on behalf of this reading.

Please allow me to tap into your energy !

Pile 01

queen of cups, two of cups, the magician

Both the parties involved in this connection will feel surreal and emotionally connected to each other on a higher level. The bond will deepen and strengthen over time, and this will result in both of you coming into a mutual decision of permanent commitment in the relationship.

You guys can be higher level soulmates. You were manifesting this commitment from a long period of time. This connection is also somehow connected to your sacred soul purpose in this lifetime and hence, it will bring you alignment and a sense of emotional fulfilment.

You are asked to not ignore any signs or synchronicites your guides and angels are blessing you with. Please cooperate with your spirit guides and higher self. Don't regulate from a space of the fear of getting rejected again. You will not! Give yourself time to process your emotions.

Pile 02

6 of pentacles, knight of cups, justice

I just heard "CHUP" in my left ear, which is a command to stay silent in hindi. Maybe you are asked to keep shut about about certain things in life. You need not explain everything to everybody, especially people who don't deserve an explanation from your side.

Okay! So some of you will finally receive a clarity or communication in a situationship or talking phase kind of relationship. Other than that, if you guys are feeling that you are not being reciprocated enough in a relationship then you will be faced with circumstances to not repeat this cycle of falling for karmic people. You will be forced to do justice with yourself in the upcoming 3 days. If you try to stay in the relationship then you will get hurt, obviously what do you expect from karmic people?

After you break this cycle of not accepting breadcrumbs, universe will give you a new romantic opportunity very soon!

Pile 03

The empress, king of pentacles, 5 of swords

Wow! Both the people in this connection are finally choosing to speak the truth. You both are trying to solve some kind of fight or disagreement which happened in the last 3 weeks for some of you. I'm seeing you both will solve this thing out and move towards abundance and clarity.

The good times in your relationship is gonna start now, you guys have realized the importance of each other through the period of separation. And now you will not repeat the same mistake again. Emotionally and financially, this relationship will work out very well for you. So don't be stressed much, just keep your ego aside and try to talk to your partner with a sense of understanding and love.

Pile 04

Three of swords, 2 of pentacles, the empress

Damn, i saw a vision just before pulling these cards here, i literally got goosebumps all over my hands and I saw a female (may or may not be) doing some sort of ritual or witchcraft to attract someone in their life. I saw candles, an altar, and pink shades. I also saw the book of answers, can be significant for some. Basically, someone is too desperate to get a crush or love interest into their life.

Sorry, but this is the truth. No matter how hard you try, this connection will not work out. Take what resonates please, I'm being honest, i don't lie while doing tarot. You both have very different ideologies and ways of living life. You guys are destined to walk on two different paths, not together.

So, it's better to not waste time over something which is not good for us, remember universe only gives us what is actually good for us. Try to focus more on your own self and finances rather than someone else whom we are not meant to be with.

[wardenparker]

Hummingbird Has Landed, ch 2

Marcus Pike x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

After the debacle of his failed engagement and relocating to Washington to take charge of his task force, newly minted Special Agent Marcus Pike is ready to get back out into the dating pool once more. A slew of bad dates has him feeling a little down, and he takes an old friend up on an invitation to get away and get his head on straight. Imagine his surprise when he finds not only fresh air, but his soulmate as well - hiding in plain sight but in the unlikeliest of places.

Rating: Mature, but this blog is always 18+ Word Count: 12.6k Warnings: *Blanket warnings for this series: occasional mention of American politics, pregnant character, food/alcohol consumption, mentions of clothing/regulated dressing for occasions, mentions of therapy because we believe in self care here, reader is in a previous relationship, love triangle* Mentions of sick loved ones, mutual pining, personal guilt, relationship turmoil. Summary: After only knowing Marcus for a brief time, you can already feel emotions beginning to build. Will that spell trouble for the relationship you've worked so hard to build with Sam, or will something else altogether begun to sow seeds of doubt? Notes: Once again I'm afraid I have to ask forgiveness in the edit of this chapter. I went away for a few days this week and ever since my chronic illness has been utterly kicking my ass. Hopefully I didn't miss too many errors here.

Game night will probably go down in the year's history as one of the best and most fun times that Marcus has had in a long time. He had laughed until his stomach hurt, his abs aching the next week for at least three days. He's gotten an open invitation back, but he doesn't know if that was a good thing, if he's honest with himself. His attraction to you is something that he's got to get ahold of if he's going to socialize with you more. It seems like everything about you just makes the heavens sing and the sun shine. It's crazy and he hates that, considering you are very happy in a relationship.

Eastern Market is his usual haunt on the weekend, preferring it to a generic grocery store, and he’s lost in thought enough that he doesn’t notice a familiar face at the florist’s stand across the way as he’s walking through the stalls. "Some peaches will be good." Marcus decides, looking through some of the fruits that have been trucked in from warmer states. "Peach smoothies." He decides, walking towards the gorgeous plump peaches on display.

If you were any other person in the world, it would be you who bumped into him and not the Secret Service agent contractually obligated to come along on your errands. As it is, when Agent Bailey defends you from being bumped into by the familiar figure of Marcus Pike, you’re the one who apologizes. “Oh! I’m so sorry, excuse u—Marcus?”

“Oh, hi!” Marcus shakes his head, reaching out and taking your arm. “I am so sorry. I guess I wasn’t paying attention.” He apologizes. “Was focused on getting some peaches and didn’t notice anything or anyone, obviously.” He flushes slightly, feeling that pull towards you and hating that he looks like a jerk, or maybe just thoughtless, in front of you. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

"Not at all." The flowers in your hands and the canvas shopping bags on your arm aren't harmed either, and you find yourself smiling much more brightly than you were even a second ago. "No harm done to me or to Agent Bailey, not to worry. Is it errand day for you, too?"

“Trying to eat healthier.” Marcus admits, slightly upset by the prospect but he figures that just comes with getting older. “Figured the produce here would be better than in a grocery store. Are these for the inn?” He asks, looking at the flowers in your hands and immediately reaches for them. “Let me help.”

"I thought my apartment could use some brightening up." He's seen the organized chaos that you live in and you're not embarrassed by it by any means, but there is a small sting to buying your own flowers just a few days before Valentine's Day. Sam isn't a flowers guy and that's perfectly fine, but you're definitely a flowers girl. When Marcus scoops them up without a second thought and stays by your side, you can feel your cheeks heat up. "I, um—thank you.

“Of course.” He huffs, as if newly made acquaintances should always scoop up flowers from you. “You chose brilliantly. They are gorgeous. Have you already paid for them?”

"Yes, so don't even try." It's just a playful warning that comes with a waggle of your finger, but you really have a feeling that he would try to pay for them if you hadn't.

He grumbles at that slightly. “Well, okay.” It’s almost pathetic that he takes note of what kind of flowers you like and he smirks. “So which flower is your favorite in this?” He asks.

"These," you point out a geometrically fascinating flower with petals that seem to spiral endlessly. "They're called camellias. We called them Winter Roses when I was growing up, but I've always loved them." The intimacy of the question goes straight over your head, just excited to have something pretty to split amongst the small vases in your little space.

“Camellias.” Marcus repeats the flower, filing away the information even though he shouldn’t use it. “They are beautiful.”

"Not everyone has them, so I tend to get my flowers here just to make sure they're in the mix." Barely aware that you're standing in the middle of a bustling market with people trying to move all around you, you have to shake away the warmth settling in you that is definitely not due to any kind of attraction. Nope. Not even a little. Not at all. "You, um..." you gesture to the next stall, where he was originally headed when the collision happened. "Peaches?"

“Peaches? Oh right, peaches.” Marcus laughs at himself and shakes his head. “Yeah, sorry, I’m – I forgot.” He snorts. “I was thinking about fresh peach smoothies.”

"Ooooo, that sounds incredible." All of a sudden it's the best idea you've heard all day, and you grin mischievously. "It's not exactly standard, but the next time you're craving a sweet after having Indian take out? Make a peach smoothie. It's got that same vibe as a mango lassi but it's slightly sweeter, and it's the most refreshing thing ever."

“I was actually thinking about having Indian tonight.” Marcus admits with a grin. “To reward myself for eating healthier.”

"Best reward in the world." You agree easily. "I told myself I was going to cook tonight and make sure there were leftovers for another day this week, but I am teetering dangerously close to just calling for take-out as well."

"Well..." Marcus almost doesn't offer, because of the fact that you have a boyfriend, but he is truly meaning this as a friendly offer. "If we went to have Indian together, it wouldn't be as bad as ordering it as take out, would it?" He ventures, raising his brows in offer.

You should say no, You should absolutely say no. Not because the invitation is improper in any way — after all, he's a friend. But because of the way your heart bumps and skips at the offer like you hope he means it as more. He doesn't, and that is a good thing. In fact, Marcus and Sam got along fairly well at game night. But you can't help the way your cheeks burn pleasantly. "DuPont Circle?" You ask, confirming that he means he was intending to order from the same place you were. When he nods, you do too. "That sounds really nice."

"This way..." He's immensely happy you are agreeing to come to eat with him. "We can order the samosas and pakoras and not feel any guilt what so ever." He tells you, grinning at you.

"No guilt, but definitely extra time at the gym." His smile is dangerous, but apparently your self-preservation instincts aren't nearly as good as you think they are, because the only alarm bell going off in your head is the one that says Don't Let It Become a Date! which you just brush off. Surely that won't even be a possibility. It can't, because you and Sam have a good thing going. "Although, you're not masochistic enough to have my little brother as your biweekly gym buddy, so your trips are probably far less traumatic than mine," you offer with a laugh.

"Nope." Marcus chuckles. "I just torture myself by running around the Mall during my lunchbreaks instead of spending it in museums or at the food trucks." He snorts. "I just get to smell them just off the Mall."

"Have you lived in DC for three years without doing any of the food trucks out on the Mall?" That might be the most appalling thing you've ever heard in your life, and you nearly drop the peach that you had just picked up to add to your basket.

"Oh no." He laughs at that. "First six months I was here, I fucking lived off food trucks." He admits. "I was undercover and my contact checked in with me through the food trucks."

"Oh, thank God." The both of you laugh as you wipe imaginary sweat of your forehead as though it had made you nervous. "If you had never had Julia's Empanadas, I might have had to drag you down to the Mall right now."

"Then I wouldn't have room for Indian." Marcus groans, rolling his eyes at the thought of how many empanadas he would try to fit in his stomach if you went to Julia's Empanadas. "And I'm really craving Indian."

"I am too." Although, now you're going to be thinking about empanadas for ages. Maybe you'll have to try making some. "How has your week been?" Making small talk is easy with him, as you poke through the fruit bins to find peaches, apples, and pears to snack on this week.

"It's been alright." He shrugs slightly. "Depositions for a few upcoming cases. So I've had to revisit case files and work with the district attorney's office to make sure that there aren't any surprises."

"Paperwork and meetings," you nod in understanding. "I get that. Being my own boss is a hell of a lot more paperwork and meetings than I ever thought it would be."

"Ordering supplies, creating events to drum up interest. Balancing budgets." He nods. "I can imagine that it feels like it's hard to get a free moment for yourself."

The way you nod is tired but proud. Every ounce of hard work that you put into that inn is worthwhile, and you do it with straight shoulders and as much determination as you can possibly summon. "Today is my first day off in...two or three weeks? It's...a lot. But it's so worthwhile. And it means that Syd has her place, too. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

"So how did you come to have the inn?" Marcus has been curious about that. "Was it always your dream? Or something you fell into?'

"I really, really liked throwing parties when I was younger." That's the easy way to start, as you both move to the line to pay for your bundles of fruit at this particular stall. "That grew up into loving to have guests over all the time. And then dreaming about running a hotel. So I took my sociology and history double major and got a job a hotel in Philly after college, putting myself through a hospitality degree while I started learning the ropes. It was a lot of years of working my way up, but eventually I got hired as the manager for the Inn at Jones Point under the old owners. They were struggling to keep up with new technology and losing clients because of it, and then..." Your eyes flick up to Marcus, almost apologizing for telling him the whole story. "We found out the reason Anita was having so much trouble learning the new technology was early-onset dementia alongside a sizeable brain tumor. I bought the inn from them when they made the decision that a comfortable end to her life was the most important thing they could do. Michael – Anita's husband – he comes around once a week for dinner and to check up on the place now that she's gone. He likes to keep an eye on it for her."

“That’s….” Marcus softens so much at the background story. “Beautiful. You are maintaining their legacy while adapting it to the new realities of time. Weathering time.”

"That farmhouse has been standing since the 1700s. We're just part of its legacy, not the other way around." The pair of you step up to be next in line, with Agent Bailey standing mere feet away managing to look imposing and nonchalant all at once. "The best part is that it could give Sydney her restaurant, and Juan a way to find himself in all the event planning. We didn't know what a team we'd be until we got going and now it's...it's just amazing."

“That’s incredible, and the fact that the place runs so smoothly is a testament to your hard work.” Marcus praises. He’s read some of the reviews and they are all positive, even the ones that had events beyond your control.

“That’s very kind of you.” Kind is an operative word for Marcus. As are sweet, funny, intelli— Nope, stop it, you’re getting dreamy again. Even the momentary distraction of having to pay for fruit is a welcome one if it gets your mind off that track.

Ouch. Kind is such a word that lands him in the friend zone. Which is where he has to be with you, but it still hurts. No longer edgy or cool like he was when he was in his old band. “What else do you need to get?” He asks, swinging his head around at the options available.

“I’m almost done actually.” It didn’t escape you that he flinched slightly when you were trying to be grateful and at least a little complimentary, and suddenly your stomach flips in fear that he might not like spending time with you are much as it seems. Or that you’d done something wrong. “I just wanted to get some fresh bread. But…I don’t know how much more you have to do.”

“Nothing.” He promises, shooting you a grin. “The least I can do is carrying things. Since you are saving me from a night of trying to cook.”

“Never learned to cook or just never got good at it?” There is a difference, after all, and it isn’t about want. Some people find cooking to be an incredible challenge. He gives you a look when you take your parcel of fruit from the vendor and accepts it on your behalf with thanks. Like a damn gentleman, you think with a pant in your chest.

“Never really had the time or the inclination.” He admits. “It’s hard to be enthusiastic about cooking for one, you know what I mean?”

“But that’s when you get to experiment!” Maybe it’s years of being friends with Sydney, whose world revolves around her tastebuds, but cooking has always been an outlet for you. It’s one of the only things you dislike about your apartment —the teeny tiny kitchen. “You can test out new things and weird combinations, and if it’s not great then the only person who knows is you. But if it’s awesome?” You grin up at him like you’re unveiling some kind of ultimate secret. “You become a rockstar at the next office potluck.”

Marcus chuckles. “I’m a rockstar anyway.” He jokes. “I’m the one who brings in the pizza and Chinese for the late nights in the office.”

“Okay, actually, that does count for a lot.” Walking in the direction of the bakery where you get all of your sweet treats and fresh bread, you readjust your shopping bag on your arm and try to glance around the place to survey your surroundings the way Agent Bailey has been teaching you. A comprehensive knowledge of your surroundings, she calls it. “I can’t really cook for my staff much when they have Sydney’s kitchen nearby, but I leave baked goods in the break room from time to time as a thank you. They work so hard.”

“There’s nothing better than snagging a muffin or a cookie when you’re rushing around.” Marcus agrees wisely.

“Or a slice of pizza.” It sounds like he works hard to keep his team in good spirits the same way you do, and you have to commend that in someone who works in such a dour field. Even art crimes — being less violent in nature, according to what you looked up the other night out of sheer curiosity — can’t possible be all sunshine and roses.

“Exactly.” He nods. “Sometimes we have all night surveillance or going through the evidence when something is time sensitive. My teams work better when they are well fed, and know how much they are appreciated.” He shrugs slightly, “everyone could benefit from know that every now and again.”

"Sometimes the weddings we run are just...they're insane. Or last year we had an entire family reunion take over the grounds for four very long days. I can't imagine it's half as stressful as what you deal with but the days can be really long and busy in their own right." For what it's worth, at least, you do love your job. And it's obvious that Marcus feels just as passionately about what he does.

“Oof.” He winces. “I bet the staff wanted to break out a bottle of bubbly when they were checked out.” Marcus jokes, chuckling slightly. “Yeah a lot of people don’t understand that when you love your job, the long hours are worth it.”

"Yeah." A tinge of regret breaks your smile, barely twitching in the corner of your mouth, and you barely nod. He can't possibly know what kind of a nerve he's hit — hell, you barely know yourself and you're the one feeling it. It just...it stings.

“Did I say something wrong?” He asks, immediately concerned when your smile seems almost sad.

"No." You reassure him much too quickly, and flinch in your own right when he looks skeptical. "It's just...not everyone thinks what I do is as worthwhile as, say, something like what you do. A—and that makes sense. Running an inn and upholding the law are—they're not the same. I'm not saying they are. It's just...that important to me. That's all."

“Whoever believes that is wrong.” Marcus insists wholeheartedly. “Running an inn is absolutely crucial. Maybe not to everyone, but to the people who need a little escape, a retreat to relax and revive themselves, your inn is a haven to them.” He is speaking passionately because he believes it. “When I’m out of town on a case, I hope that I can book a little inn. Something more personable than a Holiday Inn, so when I come back, it’s like a little slice of home.”

“I appreciate that. Really. It’s—I guess it’s a sore spot at the moment and I didn’t realize it. That’s all.” And you are absolutely not going to allow yourself to indulge in the image of Marcus coming back to the inn for you. Your place is not his ‘ little slice of home’. Even if you’re wondering what the would feel like if it was real.

“Well, you can always gripe and complain if you need to.” He promises.

“No, that’s—that’s not it.” It’s a little embarrassing, if you’re honest, but that’s only because you’re fighting being attracted to the man beside you. Otherwise you would just be chatting to a friend. “I just…don’t get to spend as much time with Sam as he would like. That’s all. Because we both have busy jobs.”

Marcus winces. “With the job he has, it would be hard unless you didn’t work.” He murmurs quietly. “But what counts is that you make the time you do have together special.”

“That’s what I said. Making the most of our time it’s what is most important.” The topic had come up again in conversation when you and Sam had talked about next steps — through the odd avenue of discussing your commute. His house to the inn isn’t a prohibitive drive, but it will warrant either having a lot of work done on your car or getting an upgrade. Right now you have no commute whatsoever, so you’re barely using your car outside of town.

“My favorite thing to do with my ex-wife was to curl up and watch a movie.” He admits. “Or work on a crossword together.”

“Those…” You laugh quietly, almost self-consciously, and shrug with the air of someone who is just about to give up. “Are the things I do with my good friend Agent Bailey, here. Though she kicks my ass at the Times Sunday crossword every single week.”

He rolls his eyes at himself. “I know it’s an old person’s activity, but I was normally exhausted from the academy.”

“Don’t you dare besmirch the Times Crossword.” A waggles finger and disapproving tsk seems to amuse him and it makes you smile, too. “That’s a mandatory topic of conversation at my mother’s dinner table.”

“Your mother enjoys the Times Crossword?” He asks, grinning at you. “She would get along with my parents. They have two subscriptions just so they can each do their own.”

“I’m keeping that in mind for Dad’s birthday this year.” It’s a brilliant idea. They would love to make a competition of it. It would be the highlight of their week.

“My parents got it as a wedding present and they enjoyed it so much, they kept it.” He tells you, smiling fondly at the memory of the two of them arguing playfully over their crosswords.

“That’s incredibly sweet.” There is a crowd at the bakery, as to be expected, so you and Marcus step into line to wait your turn. “I love the idea of being able to share small things with your partner. They’re every bit as important as the grand gestures, if not more.”

“Sometimes the smaller gestures are the most meaningful.” He admits with a grin. “I love cherry Danishes, and so did my ex. We would find these combo boxes of assorted and she would get the cherry one.”

“Giving up your favorite Danish flavor is not small.” An attempt at lightening the already light and sweet conversation is maybe…just trying to keep your own mind off of things. But that somehow doesn’t keep you from admitting the truth before you can stop yourself. “I have yet to meet the man I would give up my lemon poppyseed muffin for.”

“That’s only because you’ve never traded for a raspberry crumble muffin.” Marcus vows, smirking at the way you look stingy, even though he knows for a fact you aren’t.

“You’re on, Pike.” The smirk on his lips spreads to yours as effortlessly as breathing. “But lemon poppyseed is pretty impossible to unseat.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever had a raspberry crumble then.” He huffs, looking offended at the idea. “But I don’t think this place has them. I get them from a little bakery near the Bureau. I’ll have to bring you one.”

“I’ll get you a lemon poppyseed from the coffeeshop I go to in Old Town.” Even as its coming out of your mouth you know it sounds like flirting, but the fact is that you just feel so naturally comfortable with him. There is nothing flirtatious about muffins, you tell yourself. Nothing at all. “We can compare notes.”

“That sounds like a plan to me.” Marcus is extremely happy that you would like to make plans with him, any plans. Even if it’s just a friendly wager. “I’ll get the raspberry crumble. I say we each get two. And if you like the other one so much, you have to give up both.”

“Deal.” You put your hand out to him, willing to make a friendly bet on almost anything. That’s gotten you and your brother in trouble before, but this is harmless.

Marcus grins as he takes your hand, imagining that lightning bolts are shooting up his hand. Winking, he laughs, “just don’t be disappointed when you break that little rule of yours for me.” He boasts.

“We’ll see.” The tone of the thing really tries for teasing, but you end up so taken aback by the electricity in shaking his hand that you fluster — which is only compounded when you end up next in line and completely forget the word for ‘sourdough’ in the process.

“I, uh, I want-“ you seem completely out of it, and the bored looking boy behind the counter seems to be getting annoyed with you. “Can we have just a second?” Marcus asks, pulling you back and allowing another couple to go ahead of the two of you. “I’ve completely forgotten what I wanted.” He takes the blame, not wanting to embarrass you.

“Bread?” You manage to supply, feeling like a world class idiot for clamming up on something so routine. If being around him is going to be this big of a problem, you need to get yourself in order.

“Yeah, bread.” He nods, wrinkling his nose slightly. “What’s that type that I like?”

At this point he could mean him or he could mean you, or he could even just be speaking in theoreticals, but you have you head in straight enough again to blow out a breath and remember yourself. “Sourdough. I forgot the damn word for sourdough.”

“Thats it.” He snaps his fingers and looks back at the boy. “Could we get some sourdough bread?”

“Sure.” The kid looks at the both of you like you’ve gone insane but turns around to bag a loaf of freshly baked bread without a second thought for his strange customers.

Marcus pays for the bread, even with you huffing beside him and guides you towards the clearing. “That wasn’t that bad.”

“Only because you saved me from sputtering like an idiot.” It’s beside the point that he is also the reason you were sputtering in the first place. That doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that you couldn’t keep it together that bothers you. “Thanks for that.”

“Not at all.” He waves off your thanks. “Everyone has those moments.” He promises, smiling at you.

There is such a moment of relief when you exhale again that you have to make light of it or else you’re in danger of feeling far more grateful than is probably necessary, and that makes your chest ache in a dull and insistent kind of way. “That’s either very sweet of you or a complete placation, but either way I appreciate it.”

“No placation, I promise.” He crosses his finger over his heart and smiles at you. “Anywhere else?”

“That was the last thing for me.” Even though you have plans to have dinner with him that night you still can’t help feeling a little disappointed that the impromptu shopping trip has come to an end. “Unless you needed something else?”

“Well…” Marcus looks around, not wanting to let you leave just yet. “Maybe I could find a plant to kill?” He asks. “Something to brighten up my place?”

"Bit of a black thumb?" The excuse to not say goodbye yet is welcome, and you end up smiling more broadly than you mean to. "Let's see what we can do about that."

“More that I forget to set up someone to water my plants when I go out of town and they die miserable, thirsty deaths while I’m away.” He flashes you a guilty grin. “I’m a murderer.”

“Very rude of you to do to your plants.” The wholesome, straight-faced nod that you cry for cracks on a giggle, though, and you nod in the direction of an entirely different florist stand than the one you were at before. “What you need is a succulent.”

“That sounds a little dirty.” Marcus admits, not even realizes how flirtatious that sounds.

It does. And you didn’t mean for it to. You were just talking about the type of plant he could get. But then there’s that grin on his face and it’s so fucking puckish and * handsome* that you practically groan about how unfair the whole damn thing is. “Whoops?” You offer, obviously not apologetic in the least.

He snorts and winks at you again. “I don’t mind. Sometimes being a little dirty is a good thing.” It’s borderline inappropriate, so Marcus doesn’t say anything else.

“Sometimes it’s the fun of an otherwise boring day.” But since you’re genuinely afraid you might say too much if you go ahead with this line of thought, and since Agent Bailey is steadily avoiding your eyes like an older sister trying not to bear witness to your trouble making, you clear your throat and change the subject. “I think I snake plant would work for you. They’re really easy to care for and great for beginners or busy people.”

Marcus takes your lead and nods seriously. “I’ll take some advice. Any advice.” He shrugs slightly. “I wish I had the time for pets, but I don’t and it’s wrong to do that to them.”

“If I could have a dog, I would have a little corgi or a Yorkie in a heartbeat.” It comes with an almost wistful sigh, but you feel the same way he does. It would be cruel to the animal you’re supposed to be taking care of. “But since I have no concept of work-life balance? I have plants.”

“I’ll start with plants.” Marcus huffs. “If I can keep one alive? Maybe I’ll move on to cats? They are low maintenance.”

“Cats are fantastic. Sydney and Anna Leigh always had a couple when we were growing up and they can’t be the sweetest animals in the world.” There is a florist that specializes in succulents and potted plants further into the market and you head that way, chatting as you go. “I just always said I would want my kids to grow up with a puppy.”

“Puppy, a swing set in the yard and dinner together.” Marcus adds wistfully, having his own version of that same dream. “Every kid needs a puppy pal.”

“That’s exactly what I said.” And the knot in your stomach tells you that that isn’t a coincidence — that the future you’ve dreamt about probably lines up with the one he wants in so many different ways.

“We had my dog for nearly twenty years.” Marcus tells you. “He was my best friend and the best soul I’ve ever met.”

“I got Alex instead of a dog,” you giggle, silliness tinging the edge of his sweet nostalgia. “My little brother.”

“Isn’t a younger brother the same thing?” He asks with a grin.

“Very much so. And Alex is as much Golden Retriever as he is human.” If he were here, he’d give you so much grief for that comparison, but you stand by it. “What kind of dog did you have?”

Marcus chuckles. “A golden retriever.” He tells you without skipping a beat. “I’ve got a picture of him, wanna see?”

“Absolutely!” They say you’re either a kid person or a dog person, but you’re definitely both. Anything cute and squishy is right up your alley.

Digging out his wallet, it might be a little old fashioned to carry a physical photo of the favorite family pet, but he likes looking at it sometimes. He’s holding his dog, Hansel, in the picture. The white around the dog’s snout indicative of the older age of the golden retriever. “Here he is. Hansel.”

“What an angel!” If you could jump right through the photo and squeeze his beautiful face you would — the only problem is that you don’t know if you mean young Marcus or the dog.

“Wasn’t he?” Marcus hums happily. “He slept in my room growing up. Hated me leaving for college, although I hated being apart from him too.”

"How could you possibly leave that face? Look at him!" Yeah, it's definitely the dog that you're talking about. At least right now.

“Yeah.” He smiles down at the photo, unable to resist brushing his thumb over the canine face with happy memories flooding through him. “He was the best.”

"So would you want another Golden Retriever?" Looking between him and the photo, you think you might be able to guess the answer yourself. "Or will no other Golden ever live up to him?"

“Probably not.” Marcus shrugs. “He was from a litter of puppies at the shelter. It was just a coincidence that he was a pure Golden.” He frowns slightly. “I would want to adopt. It’s the best way to give a loving home to an animal.”

"Adopting is the only way." On that, you can firmly agree. But you point to the florist stand up ahead and touch his arm gently in an unconscious moment of casual comfort. "First, let's get you a plant to adopt."

“Yes, I would prefer adopted over nursery grown.” Marcus jokes, trying to ignore how easy it is to be with you. You can just be a friend. It’s possible and it’s possible he’s lying to himself.

"Wild, orphaned plants wandering the lonely roads with all their belongings tied up in a little bandana on a stick," you tease, conjuring the image of a cartoon orphan as best you can. To the girl behind the counter, you turn your full attention and the best conspiratorial smile you can conjure. "We're looking for something he'll have trouble killing," you confide with a chuckle. "Something like a snake plant, maybe? Or if you have a better recommendation we're all ears."

“It’s best to start them out with a plant before having pets or kids, isn’t it?” She asks with a grin, eyeing Marcus in amusement. “But he seems like the trustworthy type to me.”

"A fine, upstanding citizen if ever I saw one." The smirk you offer her is playful, and you glance up at Marcus beside you. "Plus, I'll be keeping an eye on the situation. For the good of the adoptee, of course."

“Of course.” She nods seriously, even though there is a definitely shaking to her voice, like she’s holding back laughter. “Let me show you the best options for a recovering black thumb.”

It's several minutes of back and forth with the florist who parries your playful banter well, and you end up leaving her stand with not just a lovely potted snake plant for Marcus, but an identical one for your apartment as well. "I had to!" You coo, when Marcus laughs at the little plant that you're cradling like a newborn. "It's so precious! And they're twins! I couldn't just leave it abandoned."

“Well, we have to name them.” Marcus decides. “Twin names.” He grins at you, “what do you think?”

"Luke and Leia," you joke right away, because that will always be the first pair of twins you think of in any situation. "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum? Oh, do the creepy girls from The Shining have names?"

Considering The Shining was his first foray into horror when he was younger, it was also one of his favorites. "No, they were just called Grady Daughters one and two." He tells you. "But..." He whips out his phone. "They are Lisa and Louise Burns, in real life."

“So are the plants Grady and Burns, or Lisa and Louise?” Either way they’re exceedingly silly choices, and you’re going for it.

“Either one works for me.” Marcus laughs. “It depends on if the plants are male or female.” He jokes.

“I think we probably get to pick,” you joke right back, making a show of rolling your eyes at him even though you’re laughing.

“Hmmmmm.” He pretends to take a closer look at his plant. “I’m going to surprise you.” He decides. “My plant is female.”

“Oh, that’s no surprise to me.” The smirk you shoot back at him is probably the lightest and most carefree you r felt in ages, and just for the moment you’re not going to second guess it. You’re just going to revel in the moment. “All my plants are female.”

He snickers with you and then tilts his head. “Lisa or Louise for you?” He asks, before he answers. “I bet you want the name Louise. You’ll pretend it’s for Thelma and Louise.”

“I—how—” Staring at him in utter confusion does not help matters one bit, but you still don’t have any clue as to how he could possibly have guessed that about you after only having met you two whole times. “So?” You ask after a second, realizing you’re laughing with the absurdity.

You have the most beautiful laughs Marcus has ever heard, and he loves that he caused it. There’s a flash of guilt that comes with the thought and he decides to reel it back into the scope of reality. You are becoming a friend, nothing more. “Who wouldn’t?” He asks, still chuckling. “They were the greatest female duo in modern cinema. In my opinion.”

“They line up against Idgie and Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes.” You’ll stand by that pairing until the day you die, but the way warmth is spreading through your chest and your fingers ache dully from wanting to reach out for him is a special, damning sort of agony. “And I will die on that hill.”

“I had completely forgotten about Idgie and Ruth.” He admits, hanging his head in shame. “Forgive me.”

“Just this once.” There is still a teasing grin on your face when your phone goes off in your pocket. Sam’s name splashed across your caller ID and guilt crawls through your veins immediately. “I’m sorry,” you apologize, glancing up at Marcus. “Just give me one second.”

Marcus catches a glimpse of the name and it’s like he’s doused with cold water. “Of course.” He murmurs politely, turning towards a little book stand to give you some privacy, beating himself up for flirting with another man’s significant other.

“Hey honey.” The second you pick up the phone with a plant in your other arm and your groceries weighing on your shoulder, that is the second you feel most self-conscious.

“Hey,” Sam’s voice comes over the line and he has a straightforward attitude, jumping into the reason for his call. “I’ve had a dinner invite tonight, some potential donors.” He tells you. “Can you make it?”

“I—” It’s not like it’s an unusual request. If he has a work event tonight then the best possible person he can have at his side is you. The idea of having dinner with Marcus had been so uplifting, and now cancelling on him makes you feel awful. But this is your boyfriend. “Yeah. Yeah, I can make it. Where and when? Is there a dress code?”

Sam rattles off the address and dress code. “Thanks honey, I knew I could count on you.” He tells you before he murmurs to someone else. “Hey, I’ve got to go, I love you.” The line clicks off immediately.

“I love you too.” It’s said to the silence, and you look down at your phone for a moment before pocketing it again. Marcus has stepped away to give you privacy, and you shift your weight from one foot to the other before walking back over to him. “I’m really sorry,” you murmur, actually looking as apologetic as you feel. “Can we postpone dinner tonight?”

“Oh….yeah, of course.” He hates the way the feels rejected, but you have priorities, ones that aren’t him. “That’s no problem at all.” He nods quickly and looks around. “Well, we should probably get your things to your car, right?”

“I—I’m really sorry.” Repeating it just makes you feel worse. But both of you feel worse, unbeknownst to you, and you walk in the direction of your car with Agent Bailey her usual two steps behind. “Something came up.”

“Not a problem at all.” Marcus promises you, plastering on a smile as you turn to him at your car. “I understand. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of things come up.”

"It was really nice to run into you today." There is no word of a lie or even exaggeration in that, and you take your flowers from Marcus's arms carefully, loading it into the backseat with your other bags and Louise the snake plant.

“Yeah, it was nice seeing you. Marcus holds up his plant. “Thanks for the help.” He hums. “Hopefully I won’t kill Thelma.”

"If you do, try to make it as spectacular as possible." Offering him a half smile, you realize that you just wish you could give him a big hug, but that would be totally out of line. So instead all you can think to do is shift your weight awkwardly again before opening your car door. "I'll see you around, Marcus."

“See ya.” He nods and turns around to walk to his car. He doesn’t turn around, knowing that it would look weird if he did.

Once you’re in the car with Agent Bailey and focused on getting back home to put everything away and make a cup of coffee before you have to start getting ready for the night, you sigh softly and sit back in your seat. You can feel the curiosity of the Secret Service agent beside you and you wonder if you look as guilty as you. “That was a nice surprise.”

“Yes.” Agent Bailey hums. “Special Agent Pike was quite a surprise.”

“He’s nice,” you defend, very aware that you’re defending yourself and not him.

“He’s very nice.” She agrees. “And exactly who he says he is.” Of course a background check had been done on the agent, which she was glad of now that he had popped back up on radar. Not quite sure what to make of the interaction at the market, it’s also not her place to judge it.

"Well, that's a comfort." The drive back to Alexandria won't take long, but you twist your hands around the steering wheel a few times before pulling out into traffic. "Unfortunately, tonight will be the opposite," you tell her with a dramatic sigh that cushions the blow of having to attend an impromptu event. "Sam asked me to come to a dinner party tonight. Last minute invitation, I guess somebody had a seat they needed filled and asked him."

“I see.” Now she has to find out where you are going to be, who is on the guest least and it means overtime tonight. She doesn’t sigh, but she wants to, much preferring to go to small Indian restaurant over some political function. “I’m sure it will be a lovely evening.”

"I know you have to vet everything." The process seems exhausting, but you would never question the agent's ability to get her job done. "It's a private party at Arthur Connesby's house. The aerospace tech guy? Apparently it's a party for his wife, but everybody invited are Sam's constituents. I have a feeling they're going to spend the night trying to pitch their own interests to him, but if nothing else they might donate to his next campaign if they feel like they got to be friendly with him." It sounds like it will be a fairly boring night of overly rich old men feeling self-important, but Sam asked you to be there and that's why you're going.

“Noted.” The agent is immediately firing off a text to her support team, letting them know about the change of plans tonight.

"I know it's not what we had in mind." The night has gone from staying home and watching a movie and maybe playing cards, to dinner out, to an entire party. It's a lot of jumps in not much time. "And I appreciate you being flexible. Truly."

“It’s my job to protect you no matter what.” She reminds you softly. She enjoys you, has gotten to know you and thinks you are lovely, but you are Hummingbird to her. The First Daughter of the President of the United States and her assignment. She would guard you regardless of what you were doing because it’s her job.

"Right." You nod slightly, eyes cast back out on the road, and try not to slump even a little as you drive. It's not necessary to be everyone's best friend. You know that on a practical level. Right now your energy is better served focusing on the night ahead. "Well, I can still be grateful. So thank you. For...being professional. An very good at your job."

She knows that you are disappointed, but one of the cardinal rules of the secret service is to not be emotionally attached to your assignment. It would be too difficult to make life or death decisions. “Protecting you has been my pleasure.” She promises.

"I appreciate that." For better or for worse, the Secret Service will be a part of your life for the rest of your life. So if you can't be friends, at least you can appreciate each other. For now, though, you ought to focus. A party with your boyfriend's constituents is no place to have your mind wander.

The dinner party is exactly what you imagined it would be. Self important people, boasting about how important they are as they fawn over ‘more’ important people. Or the people who could give them access to the power they wished to have. Sam was in his element, smiling and shaking hands. Listening to ideas with a feigned interest that comes naturally to politicians.

He's charismatic enough to keep their attention but has enough of his own heart left that he does seem to care about issues being brought to him. Unfortunately for these folks, they're talking about a whole lot of things that just one man can't change on their behalf. So all he can really do is listen and express interest in whatever plight it is they have.

You have found yourself in the rather unfortunate position of being inundated by the significant others of these men, and when the party turns to mingling after dinner they somehow manage to whisk you away to the garden where you aren't sure if they're planning on trying to get you to dance with various people, or maybe join their country clubs, You really can't tell which.

“You must tell me, how is living in the White House?” One asks you, under the impression that you are still living with your mother.

“I understand it’s very comfortable.” It’s almost a relief that these women seem not to know a thing about you beside who your mother is. Your greatest fear about the whole thing was being hounded through every day of your life — so far that hasn’t been the case. But it’s been barely more than a month. There’s time. “However, I chose not to reside there.”

“Oh, what a shame.” She hums, wondering why you wouldn’t want to call the most famous house in America home. “I hear that it’s haunted.”

“That is what they say.” And according to your little sister, it’s absolutely true. But an upscale party of relatively stuffy guests like this doesn’t seem like the place to spout tales of your sister taking her homework to the Lincoln bedroom. “And it’s certainly very beautiful.”

“I would love to take a tour sometime.” She tells you, hoping that you might offer to set it up for her. An intimate tour would be amazing.

“I’m sure that can be arranged.” You aren’t the sort of person who would exchange favors, so the thought that this could mean a donation for Sam’s campaign in the near future. Instead, you just know it would be something nice. “I can have something put together for you if you like?”

“That would be lovely!” She exclaimed, sending you a warm smile. “You know, you and the congressman make a beautiful couple. Possibly even presidential one day.” It’s a fishing expedition, feeling you out for your thoughts on a possible run.

"Possibly." And two weeks ago, you might have beamed at that implication. At the idea of Sam moving through his career with such gusto and motivation that he makes it all the way to the White House. But seeing what your father contends with as First Gentleman, the idea of being First Lady sounds overwhelming to you. It's even less likely that you would end up in politics yourself. "Sam takes his work very seriously, and he has high hopes for the future of our country."

“And what about you?” She asks. “You made waves, positive ones in my opinion, during your mother’s campaign about your stance on soulmates.”

"I don't have any political ambitions for myself." Of that, you can absolutely assure her. "While I'm more than happy to support the people around me, I'm very happy with my own career."

“At least until Congressman Chase makes an honest woman out of you.” She hums. “Then it’s so hard to balance your own career while supporting the ambitions of your husband.” There’s a rueful chuckle on her part. “Believe me, I know.”

"I won't be giving up my career." This is always a topic of conversation amongst significant others, you've found, and a topic that your father has contended with on multiple occasions. As your mother's career grew, he became a stay-at-home-dad and raised three kids. Because it was something he wanted to do, not because it was forced on him. And that has always been the key to you. "I own a business. So it's essentially my first child already."

“Oh?” Her brows wing up in surprise. “My apologies. I must have misunderstood.” Her eyes slide past you. “Excuse me, I must go catch Mrs. Jackson before she leaves.” She cuts off the conversation and hustles away.

It's a bit on and definitely abrupt, but the conversation wasn't very enjoyable to begin with so you smile politely and just let it roll off your back. Whatever she 'misunderstood' doesn't really concern you. Some gossip article must have speculated on the next steps of your relationship with Sam and you try not to let that kind of nonsense get to you.

“Having fun?” Sam comes up to you, his hand slipping around your waist and he presses a kiss to your cheek. “You look amazing, especially since it was so last minute.”

"You always like this dress." The first time you wore it was the nominating party after the Democratic National Convention, and then again to a fundraiser in Chicago. That was the night you met Sam, and he had remarked even then that the dress was particularly beautiful. It seemed like the logical choice for tonight based on that alone. "It's a nice party." The food was predictable but tasty, and the drinks are flowing, just like the way you expected the night to go. "Do we think there will be birthday cake?" You ask conspiratorially, looking up at him beside you with a smirk. "Is that something people still do for fancy fiftieth birthdays?"

“Cake is universal.” Sam snorts and nods. “I have it on good authority the cake is a chocolate raspberry mascarpone cream cake.” He tells you, knowing it will be an idea you carry back to Sydney.

"I know exactly what Saturday's dessert special is going to be." Somehow your best friend will turn a classic cake into something elegant and thoughtful, and you know the entire restaurant will go nuts for it. They always do, when Sydney gets to show off. "Are you having a good night? I know you had high hopes for networking tonight."

“It’s going well.” He hums happily and beams at you. “How about you? Working the other side for me?” He teases playfully, aware you don’t usually like campaigning.

"Nothing that will get me in trouble with my Mom's staff." Not that he would ever ask you to do anything like that. Sam doesn't go in for most of the entitled bullshit that other politicians do. "One request for a White House tour that I'll put through the appropriate channels. Nothing too odd."

“Interesting.” Sam looks thoughtful. “Who asked for that?”

"Shelly D'Amario." The wife of District Attorney-turned-Superior Court Judge Raymond D'Amario was one of the few people you had recognized from press coverage of events supporting your mother's campaign. Her husband's politics were lined up with most moderate Democrats, and he tended to hand down verdicts with thoughtful conclusions at the end of each case. He's one of those people you wouldn't have minded at all sitting at this dinner party with, but unfortunately the Judge was not able to attend.

“Oh.” Sam nods. “I was at another dinner with her and the judge just the other night.” He tells you. “Picking his brain about Constitutional law.”

“She was very nice.” Though instinct takes over, and you chew on your bottom lip for a second before going on. “Did you guys talk…about me at all? About us, I mean? At your dinner?”

“Well, naturally you came up.” Sam admits with a slight frown, wondering if Shelly had somehow insulted you. “Not everyone is dating the daughter of the current sitting President. But I didn’t share any private details about you.” He promises. “Or your family.”

“I know you wouldn’t do that.” If he was the sort of person who went around sharing personal details with anyone and everyone, you wouldn’t have been able to trust him. Especially not under the condition you met in. Campaigns are cutthroat. “She just…said something that kind of confused me, that’s all.”

“What confused you?” He asks, trying to recall the exact details of the dinner with the judge and his wife.

Without wanting to imply that he might have said anything, you still glance around you to make sure that Agent Bailey is the only one close enough by to overhear you. “She seemed to be under the impression that I would be quitting my job if we ever have a family. And when I said that wasn’t the case, she said she must have ‘misunderstood’ something and walked away immediately.”

Understand dawns in his eyes and Sam shifts slightly. “Well, that’s not something we’ve talked about just yet.” He reminds you. “That’s a conversation we need to have.”

"Right." You couldn't agree more. "Which is why I was confused that she seemed to have heard an opinion about it somewhere before. But it was probably just some gossip article."

He hesitates and then decides to come clean, you don’t like liars. “I might have voice my hopes for our future.” He admits. “It’s not so unexpected, is it?” He asks. “I’ll be spending a lot of time at different events and I will want you by my side.”

"Sam..." There's disappointment in your voice that you don't bother to hide. Of course he's absolutely entitled to talk about hopes, as he puts it, but you can't believe that he would ever think you would give up the inn. "I own the place, honey. It's not like taking a smaller role in an office or shifting to part time somewhere."

“Yes, you own it.” Sam stresses. “But you can have someone else manage it.”

"But I don't want to have someone else manage it." It's really like you can't believe your ears. Sam has never voiced anything like this before within the dynamic of your relationship and he knows very well how proud you are of your work at the inn and how much it means to you.

By the set of your jaw and the frown on your face, Sam knows that he can’t argue the point right now. He shakes his head, smiling at you and taking your hand. “You’re right. I—I wasn’t thinking about how much you love your inn.” He admits softly. “Let’s just forget about it, hm?”

"O—okay." There he is again. Your understanding, supportive Sam smiling at you and taking the stress out of the situation. The man you started dating almost a year ago. Dependable. "Okay."

“Good.” He pats your hand gently and leans in to kiss you softly. “But I do still want to talk about moving in together.”

"After our date on Tuesday?" The Valentine's night you had settled on together is dinner at a small, family-owned restaurant in his hometown followed by a fundraiser screening of short films made by local high schoolers looking to update their school's resources with the proceeds. Community-oriented is the theme of the night.

“That sounds appropriate.” He agrees with a nod. “For now, let’s just enjoy the rest of the evening.” He looks towards your secret service agent. “Will you be allowed to come to my place tonight?”

"I think that can be arranged." The invitation means you'll be sleeping over at his place twice this week, which is definitely more than you've been able to do lately and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you just need to refocus yourself. And stop thinking about Marcus, for fuck's sake. You slip your arm around Sam's waist and lean into his side. "I just have to let Bailey know. Her relief agent will have to be told to go to your place instead of mine."

"Of course." Even though it irritates him, he nods. Understanding that you cannot help it right now. After your mother's term, perhaps you will decline protection.

"I know it isn't perfect." He's bristled about lack of privacy before, and though you can't say that you really blame him? There's nothing you can do about it. Secret Service protect for the President's immediate family is mandatory. And hell, you have a Secret Service agent in your apartment every night. At least when you stay with Sam, your agent usually stays in the living room or their car like a stakeout. It's typically left up to them. But still, you do understand the objection. "I'm sorry. It is what it is."

"I know." He sighs softly, hating that the evening has been sidetracked from what he imagined. "I understand. I just don't like them be so close when we are alone." He admits.

"I know." The last five minutes have become increasingly uncomfortable, but you still stick close to Sam and continue smiling, aware that eyes at the party might be on you just like they are anytime you go anywhere outside of your little haven at the inn. "But better that, than someone breaking into your house."

He doesn't point out that he has a security system and his townhouse is in a gate community. There's no point and it would just further cause an discussion that is best left for the relative privacy of his bedroom - with a secret service agent parked outside in his living room. He sighs. "Shall we get more wine?" He asks, trying to change the subject.

"Sure." There are people starting to dance to the music being piped through outdoor speakers, but you're not really in a dancing mood. There's too much swirling around in your mind to be light on your feet. "Wine sounds like a good plan."

Sam leads you over to the bar, ever the gentleman and stands beside you to look at the drink selections. "They have a nice pinot grigio." He murmurs softly.

"Is that what you want too?" The bar is open, of course, but the catering company has allowed the bartender to put out a small and discreet tip jar for the reasonably large party tonight, and you have a few more bills in your purse that you're happy to add to the jar.

"I think I'm going to stick with the pinot noir." He tells you, holding up his almost empty glass.

You order both glasses without hesitation and tip the very pleasant bartender, handing Sam his glass after it's put on the bar top. Just something nice to get the night back on track. At least as far as the two of you go.

"So I think that we should drink our wine and then dance." Sam suggests. It would be a good visual and romantic as a bonus. He's not calculating, but he does understand that optics are important in politics. It's a good opportunity to romance you and look good for the discreet photographers that are roaming around.

"And at some point, eat cake." Trying to lighten the mood a little is really your go-to for diffusing tension in any situation, and the air around the two of you feels a little thick, so you offer him a big smile instead of getting serious again.

"Eating cake is always a good way to spend a night." Sam agrees, smiling back at you.

"Morning." You haul yourself into the restaurant's kitchen the next morning when you arrive bright and early for your eight-a.m. start time looking vaguely less drowsy than usual. The other member of your Secret Service detail — Agent Sisson — has music taste more in line with yours and you'd listened to Duran Duran on your way back to town this morning. That and a cup of strong coffee means that you're feeling okay but definitely in need of breakfast.

“Wellllllll,” Sydney’s grin is bright as she eyes you. “I see the walk of shame has taken on a festive air.” She teases, laughing as she moves over to pour you a cup of coffee. “I take it last night went well?”

“I have enough time to go upstairs and change before work,” you grumble, though you’re smiling and accept the cup of coffee gratefully. “Usual boring party, but I bring you home a new cake flavor combination to try, and it was nice to see Sam.”

She snorts. “Nice to see Sam.” She mimics. “It’s like you ran into him in the store.” She huffs at you. “This is your boyfriend. The man you love.”

“And that’s why it’s nice to see him more than just one measly night a week.” Given that you have a few minutes, you hop up on a stool at the counter beside her work station and groan in appreciation at the slice of sweet Italian brioche and carefully cut piece of frittata she plates up for you without hesitation. “Oh my god, thank you. All I’ve had so far is coffee. We overslept and both had to run out to get to work on time.”

“Overslept…” she rolls her eyes and rubs her stomach. “I wish I could remember what that was like.” She grumbles. “This one is giving me heartburn all the time and keeping my sleep short.”

“They just really want to make sure you remember they’re there,” you tease, picking up a forkful of frittata and not even caring what’s inside. Everything Syd makes it incredible. “Twenty-seven whole more weeks of this, Mama. Get excited!”

“I am, I promise. But the kid can let me sleep in a little, right?” She huffs playfully. “So how was the dinner? You came back from the market in a hurry so I didn’t get to talk to you. Did you forget about this or was it last minute?”

“It was last minute. He got a spontaneous invitation to a potential supporter’s wife’s birthday party.” Oh my god, spinach and artichoke frittata, so fucking good. “She got the gift of bragging rights that a Congressman and the First Daughter came to her party, and a very nice bottle of champagne.”

“Sounds like a ton of fun.” Sydney likes hobnobbing even less than you do, preferring to be on the service side of fancy events. “So you ate mildly bland catered food and drank way too much wine?”

“Exactly. Which is why this tastes even more incredible than usual.” You point at your plate even while scooping up another bite. “So did you and Juanito ever decide what you’re doing tomorrow? I know you scheduled yourself for the dinner rush, but you’ve got to do something.”

“My husband is amazing.” She promises, beaming in delight. “He actually got us reservations at St. Regis for the Valentine’s Day Afternoon Tea.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet! It’s so utterly romantic I could barf.” The momentary flash of jealousy is nothing, and you’re genuinely happy that they’ll be able to get out and do something. They work so incredibly hard and never complain for a second. “It’s perfect, Syd. I want a full report.”

“I’m excited.” She admits, biting her lip and fiddling with her practical silicone wedding band that she wears in the kitchen. “I’ve also been promised a very relaxing massage and a few orgasms.”

“All things which you deserve very much.” You raise your coffee cup in salute to her and grin.

“At the very least.” She huffs, her own grin one of pure happiness. “I am growing Badillo’s baby.” She reminds you, as if it isn’t common knowledge at this point. She’s so proud of being with her soulmate and she cock her head at you curiously. “Have you given any more thought to that tattoo?” She pries gently.

“Yes and no…” It’s much more yes than no, if you’re honest with yourself, but the fact is that it’s probably not good to think about it as much as you have. It’s like a never-ending loop in your mind and you absolutely can’t shake it. “I just don’t know what good it would do to bring it up. Or who I would even bring it up to.”

“You know who you should bring it up to.” She huffs.

“Who?” You challenge, feeling like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place without doing so much as being awake this morning. “My boyfriend of almost a year who asked me to move in with him and wants to start planning our future? Or the guy I barely know who invited me to dinner yesterday when I ran into him at Eastern Market and looked so hurt when I had to ask him to reschedule that I still feel like I kicked the world’s cutest puppy?” Clearly it’s been on your mind, and Syd is really the one person you can talk to about any of it. But admitting that you’ve been thinking about Marcus feels like cheating and you have always despised cheaters deeply. Being cheated on will do that to a person.

“You ran into Marcus?” Her eyes widen with the new information and she immediately sets down her spoon and walks around the counter to hug you. “Oh honey, talk to me. What happened?” She asks softly. While she might be pushing you to at least ask if you might be soulmates, she doesn’t want you to be upset.

“It wasn’t a big deal…we ran into each other and we finished our shopping together.” It’s such a relief to have a space to talk about it, and yet you know you’re blowing it out of proportion in your head. It was just a coincidence that you ran into him. Not fate. “We were both talking about wanting Indian for dinner so he asked if I wanted to go to the restaurant with him. We were just going to hang out. Then Sam called.”

“And of course you said yes to Sam.” Sydney doesn’t exactly approve of the way Sam seems to think that you wait for his call and will drop everything to accommodate him, but she doesn’t say anything. “How did Marcus take the change of plans?”

“He said he understood and that it was fine.” Which is, technically, what happened. So when you shift your eyes away from hers, Sydney makes a noise and you cave. “He seemed disappointed,” you admit, throwing up your hands. “But I’m probably just projecting that.”

“Anyone would be disappointed to not spend time with you.” Sydney defends immediately, always the best cheerleader for you. “Maybe text him and reschedule?” She suggests. “Friends have dinner, it’s not cheating. You aren’t going out on a date.”

“I know it’s not cheating.” Syd knows better than anyone why you hate liars and cheaters. “I texted him on my way in this morning to reschedule, but I don’t…I don’t know if he’ll respond. He was probably just being polite asking in the first place.”

“I doubt that.” Sydney had seen the covert looks that each one of them had given the other when they weren’t looking during game night. Both of them were curious and she is interested to know about that hummingbird tattoo, it’s not common, despite what you might say.

“Then it’s because I’m best friends with his friend’s soulmate,” you reason instead.

“No, it’s because Juan said that Marcus was trying to be polite but that he was interested in you.” Sydney tells you.

You feel the blood drain from your face shamefully fast, and your eyes dart up to meet your best friend’s. “He said that?”

“Yes.” She isn’t going to lie to you, Juan had told her that. “But, he also said that Marcus respects relationships and he’s not the type of man to make a move on you if you’re in a relationship.” She knows how you feel about that kind of thing and she agrees with you.

“Well…I mean…that’s good? Isn’t it? That just means he’s respectful.” Still , you find yourself sitting on the idea that Marcus likes you and being halfway between mortified and grinning. It feels ultimately childish and yet like your chest is filling full of something very much like joy.

“According to Juan, Marcus Pike is the best man, the best person that he’s ever known.” Sydney acknowledges with a nod, deciding not to comment on your giddy expression. “Even though he was busy with training at the academy, he was always helping with housework or running errands to take care of things.” She shrugs. “His ex-wife was a med student. So I guess she’s a doctor now.”

“It’s just a coincidence.” This mantra of yours is going to get old quick, but you have a partner. A long term one, even. One that until a week or so ago, you had thought you had a future with. Now that resolve is waning and you don’t really know how you started to question yourself so easily.

Sensing that you’ve dug your heels in, she backs off, giving a small shrug. “I’m sure it is.” She hums. “So what are your Valentine’s Day plans with Sam?” She asks. “Did he plan something romantic?”

“We’re going to dinner and then a community fundraiser in his district.” It doesn’t sound romantic, you will admit that, but anything too luxurious you did can be perceived in a very wrong way by the general public if it gets out. A Congressman and the First Daughter going to a spa getaway or the symphony would be seen as being out of touch with the people. “He…wants to talk about the future.”

“And you don’t sound like it’s a conversation that you are eager to have.” She sits down, her own herbal tea in front of her and she frowns slightly.

“I’m…not sure, honestly.” Without hesitation and without filter, the explanation about your conversation with Judge D’Amario’s wife and what Sam said at dinner with them comes tumbling out of your mouth and you can’t help but cringe to yourself when you get it all out in the open air. “Am I overreacting? Please tell me I’m overreacting.”

Sydney winces and gives you a small shrug. “He has known from the beginning that you aren’t the type to want to be a typical politician’s spouse and give up your career.” She reminds you. “Remember that night out in Alexandria? Where we were bar hopping? I had a very frank conversation with him about that.”

“You did?” Your forehead scrunches as you take a sip of coffee. “Then why would he think I would be willing to have someone else manage the inn?”

“I don’t know if I can answer that.” She admits quietly. “But I think he gave them his true ideal. You quitting and being by his side for all his accomplishments.”

“It’s not that I’m not proud of him.” Some would argue that that is what it signals, but you and Sydney are not those types of people. “He’s doing such good work, and I do want to have kids and a house and all that domestic stuff. I just…I don’t want to give up working. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life standing behind a podium waving politely. I’m—I want to be me, not an extension of my partner.”

“I know that.” She reaches out and takes your hand. “But does Sam? Really? I think that he can convince you that it’s what you want.” She huffs. “I know he’s a good guy, but is he the right guy?”

“Not everybody finds perfect,” you remind her quietly, knowing that that is exactly what she has with Juan. Their version of perfect is about support, respect, and unending silliness, and you’ve always craved the same. But there aren’t many men in the world like Juan. Not many at all.

“That doesn’t mean you need to settle.” She tells you, squeezing your hand gently. “If you are happy, I’m happy. All I want is for you to be happy.”

“To be honest?” Closing your eyes for a second to swallow a sigh, the best you can do is shake your head. “I didn’t think I was settling. But now I can’t help but wonder…”

“Then you owe it to yourself, and to Sam, to make sure before you commit any further.” She suggests, knowing that you would feel horrible about divorcing later on.

“How?” It’s an honest question, since the situation is tangled up in guesses and implied maybes. “Break up with Sam because Marcus might be my soulmate? What happens if I’m wrong and I regret the whole thing? Sam would never take me back and I would deserve it.”

“Ask Marcus to show you the tattoo.” She hums. “That’s not cheating. It would be no different than seeing him in swimming trunks.”

“If he ever responds to me.” Which you sort of doubt. You sort of did just drop plans with him the second your boyfriend called. But you are the kind of person who makes your relationship a priority. You always have been.

“And if he doesn’t….” She shrugs. “You just deal with that.” She frowns. “But I would be upset if you had done the same to me.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to be upset with me.” Marcus has a right to feel however he feels. He’s human, after all. “This whole thing is just so out of left field. Especially after spending all of last year talking about freedom of affection and being happy with a partner who isn’t your soulmate.”

“Except you had never potentially met your soulmate.” She pauses and shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter, if you don’t want to pursue it, don’t. Juan won’t say anything and I’ll just encourage him to hang out with Marcus on a guys night.”

“I don’t know,” you admit honestly, poking at the remains of your breakfast with a frown. “First let’s see if he speaks to me again. I gotta go change my clothes for work.” A heavy blanket of tension works on you that wasn’t there when you came home, and you drag yourself off the stool with a swallowed sigh. “Thanks for breakfast, honey.”

“I’m sorry.” She murmurs, wishing for a moment that Juan hadn’t run into Marcus. Hadn’t mentioned a tattoo that was throwing you into a spin. “I’m here whenever you need.”

“Thank you.” Coming around the counter, you wrap your arms around her tightly and inhale, trying to remember your yoga and let the stress roll off your shoulders and not carry it into the work day. “And I’m always here for you. No matter what.”

“I know.” She grins into your shoulder. “You’re my best friend, bitch.” She teases. “I will go to war for you, bury bodies and not even think twice.”

"No hesitation." You link your pinkies together, the same way you have since you were little kids. "I really have to go change now. But thanks for listening to me ramble and fret."

“Anytime.” She scoffs, waving away your thanks. ��You’ve listened to me plenty.” Lately it’s been about being a good mother and not completely wrecking Baby Badillo, but she understands the need to just vent. You’re there for one another, both of you, through thick and thin.

______

Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @haylzcyon   @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101 @loveslide @elegantduckturtle @becsworld @julesonrecord @its-nebuleuse @itsrubberbisquit @mikeyswifie @guelyury @lizzie-cakes @for-a-longlongtime @vabeachazn @purplerain04 @weho2kcmo @madnessofadaydreamer

HHL: @haileymorelikestupid @anoverwhelmingdin @storiesofthefandomlovers

My Masterlist!

[daisyychainssj]

I know the whole Richas and Tallulah conflict happened hours ago and it reached a resolution and stuff but I'm just now catching up with it so I'm gonna write out my feelings about it because I think the whole thing and the way everyone is interpreting it differently is really interesting. I'm probably going to end up saying things that people said like hours ago so sorry if it's a bit repetitive to read!

!THIS IS ALL ABOUT THE CHARACTERS NOT THE CCS!

Richas POV - Okay so firstly, Richas' pov is probably the most complicated because he (obviously) has a much more complex relationship and understanding of the paintings. Not only do they cause him to be distressed because of how they're created but seeing it up on Philza's wall has just shown him that his pai Cellbit betrayed his trust. He didn't get rid of the paintings and instead has been just handing them out behind his back and I can't imagine how gut wrenching that must've been. Tallulah get's defensive about the painting and so she becomes the target of all of his hurt, frustration and fear. He is so worked up over this (understandably) and is getting increasingly frustrated because nobody is listening to him. He didn't agree to the "not be siblings anymore" ultimatum because he truly felt that way, I think he was just blinded by pure desperation. This poor kid NEEDS to be given the opportunity to sit down with someone and open up about this whole Romero Richas situation and he needs to be listened to and his fears taken seriously.

Tallulah POV - Now onto Tallulah's pov. For Tallulah this painting is a cute art piece of her papa phil and her brother Chayanne and suddenly her other brother is demanding that he take it back. Yes it's his painting but also she's a kid, in her eyes this painting was given to them and it's theirs now why would she give it back just so it can be destroyed? Also, Tallulah is the sweet egg! the kind egg! oh she's just so lovely and that's all there is to her!!!!! (sense my sarcasm here) sometimes when that is the way that someone presents themselves it's because they're scared that if they aren't that way they won't be liked/loved and people will leave if they're not prefect. This girl has abandonment issues on top of abandonment issues and Richas agreed to not be her sibling anymore over a painting. So this impacted her HARD. (we ofc know Richas didn't mean it but her character didn't) Tallulah acts out and (from her pov) stands her ground for once and now her brother doesn't want to be her brother anymore. I also think her throwing a tantrum and being a bratty made some of the audience even more shocked and dare I say frustrated at Tallulah behaving like this during this situation because that's not how they're used to her being. She was being stubborn and giving these intense ultimatums but she can be like this I think people just don't see it often because she only really lets her guards down in that way infront of Phil and Chayanne.

So now you have two extremely worked up kids who won't really listen to each other because their emotions are so heightened and that's to be expected! Children can not and should not be expected to regulate their emotions in the same way adults can.

Forever POV - His entire pov of the situation is very interesting to me. I see a lot of people criticising the way he handled this and to a certain extent I do agree. However, I think something that is being overlooked is that Forever perhaps wanting to make sure Tallulah was okay is because that is not his child. He only got permission literally yesterday to look after her after being previously denied. With Richas he can sit with him for HOURS afterwards if needed to try and talk through things. He has to drop Tallulah home in like an hour. It's very obvious to everyone on the island how close she is with Phil, she will tell him everything that happened during her time with the other parents. It makes sense, to me, for Forever to want to try and smooth the situation out as fast as he can and make everything okay. Do I think that makes the way he acted completely fine. No. but I don't think it makes zero sense for him to have acted that way. Also, him being Richas' pai means he's seen Richas have tantrums and be dramatic and bratty, he's never ever seen Tallulah do that so yeah he's going to panic and be like "oh shit I need to calm her down/make sure she's okay because this is unusual". I really do wish he had taken Richas' feelings and concerns more more seriously and hadn't just left him for a bit hopefully in the future he makes sure that he does that. It's a learning curve and he's learning to parent as he goes! He crash landed on an island and then got a child dropped into his lap to take care of so he's kinda just learning on the job.

BBH POV - I don't really have much to say here, I think bad handled the situation well given what he canonically knows about the Romero Richas situation (which is basically nothing) He encouraged Tallulah to talk things through with Richas and kept explaining how important their bond is and idk I just think BBH did a really good job.

Overall, I LOVE that the eggs are getting storylines with each other and are learning and growing. I'm so glad that Richas and Tallulah made up, they both need a warm hug and some hot chocolate or something after that whole ordeal. Little kids feeling big emotions for the first time is tough! but they did great <3

(I apologise if I missed anything important that happened between Richas and Forever when they were alone, I don't speak Portuguese but I tried my best based on the bits and pieces that the wonderful Portuguese speakers on here have translated!)

Anyway that's my long ass essay done! <3

[heartbeatbookclub]

I was looking at a few posts about autism (as one does) and it just suddenly clicked into place a fundamental thing about Yuri's character that I'd been grasping at, but hadn't really been able to adequately identify. I still have a much longer and more thorough analysis going through a whole lot of my thoughts on Yuri's character and her experience of autism that i'm working on (of which this will likely be a component), but I thought I'd share this separately just to emphasize.

Post I saw which made this click for me was making fun of the fact that most media depicting impaired empathy in autistic characters explicitly depicts them with this unflappable confidence of never having been rejected by people they love. The crux of this is that in actual reality, autistic people almost always have that experience at some point, for some behavior, for reasons they don't really understand. "There is an invisible line where people will get sick of you, and you have no warning of when you're about to cross it." So frequently, autistic people attempt to ride a razor thin edge, walking on constant eggshells to desperately attempt to avoid crossing that line.

Very often autistic people will attempt to avoid doing anything at all which could be considered weird, or off-putting, and will try their absolute hardest to do things in a way that is acceptable to other people, sometimes to the point of outright suppressing their emotions, because they are afraid that they'll say something just wrong enough that the people they care about will push them away, and they don't understand WHY it happened, but they know it's THEIR fault. Sometimes masking is fighting to appear aloof all the time because you can't regulate your emotions in a way that is acceptable to other people.

And holy fucking Jesus, that fits the exact mold of what I've been trying to talk about with the particular way Yuri's anxieties manifest.

It really feels to me like Yuri has this constant fear of breaking the "rules" of socializing, despite not really understanding what those rules even are. She's constantly afraid of saying something wrong, when she doesn't even know what wrong would be, she's just sure everyone ELSE will know it when they hear it. I think a huge part of her social anxiety comes from her own understanding of herself as a very weird person who doesn't really get a lot of how to socialize, and it seems to me like she's probably dealt with her fair share of social rejection and isolation based on those traits. She then felt she had to take responsibility for those traits, probably because it's the one thing she can change, and she is the one common denominator in all of these bad situations (This is something which is pretty common, actually! "Everyone else can socialize just fine, and I have so much difficulty with it! I must just be broken in some way. I have to try super hard to be normal to make friends!")

I think a big part of why it's so apparent in the Literature Club is because she really thinks she's found a place where she can make friends in spite of all of her issues, so when she starts...being herself, and receives even the smallest HINT of pushback, she overcorrects and tries to rein all of herself in to fix her "mistake", because she really wants to make friends here, and doesn't want them to reject her as well.

She's had this experience of others pushing her away for being weird so often that, coupled with her acknowledged trouble for reading situations, when anybody responds poorly to something and she recognizes it, she immediately overcorrects out of fear of being an annoying burden to everyone around her, and that "correction" consists of suppressing herself into being "normal" (or at least "less weird"), because she believes nobody could actually like her just for being who she is. There's something wrong with her fundamentally, and to make friends, for people to like her and want to be around her, she has to "fix" herself.

it's just, like...

it's really hard for me to interpret Yuri's character that doesn't involve her being somewhere on the spectrum, bros. she's written with such delicately constructed autistic coding, despite the appearance of just being a hackneyed weird girl visual novel trope. she deserves the world.......

[turtletaubwrites]

Turtletaub Blog, WIP, & Health Update

I wanted to put this out there so no one freaks out! My daily queue is going to run out in a few days. I initially used the queue for my adhd, so I wouldn’t spam you for three weeks and then forget to reblog things for months, and I didn’t tag it before since I was on here everyday. Now that it’s going to run out, I’ll be adding to it and I’ll tag it as #turtlequeb

Things have still been unfun over here lately, but I’m okay, and health things are hopefully looking up. There's a health/life update/ramble below the cut if you're interested.

Part 32 is almost done, and I’m going bonkers waiting for y’all to read it. The current life situations have taken up a lot of my free time and energy, but it’s soo close! 😭

I’m also working on a brief dossier for our suitors since I’ve done way too much research on these guys, and I know how hard it is to keep track of all of these characters in this giant One Piece world!

I miss y’all so much. I feel extra yucky that in my current struggles I’m having such a hard time focusing and connecting, especially since this community has helped me get through such difficult times. I’m really hoping that I can get back to the things I enjoy soon, especially interacting with my favorite internet fiends! 🥰

Health/life update below the cut: (cw health, mental health, medications, side effects, depression, bipolar disorder, doctors)

It’s wild just how much medication can help people.

Without the Lamictal that I took for three years, I have reverted into severe depression, and it has been debilitating.

It’s like I WAS an adult with full control (lol, mostly) over my mental and physical capacities, but now that I'm off the medication, I have reverted to a child, a preteen, a helpless human with no ability to regulate my own emotions, or even influence my own behaviors.

For the last three years, I was finally able to utilize my intellect, my experience, and my wisdom, while dealing with stressful situations.

Now I feel like I'm 13 again, lost, desperately clinging to distractions to keep from dying inside, from falling apart, or disappearing.

But it turns out that the whole reason for going off of the medication might have been avoided.

During these treasured three years of mental stability, I experienced symptoms that negatively impacted my physical, and mental health. I went to doctor after doctor for this unusual issue, only to be told that there was nothing to be done.

Until I finally got the referral to a specialist last week, and they immediately diagnosed the actual issue, and said that the other concern was false.

So all of this suffering could have been avoided if one of the 10+ primary care or ER doctors I've begged for help these last 3 years would have said "you know what, this is an unusual and persistent situation, why don't I refer you to a specialist," instead of "this condition you're describing is incurable, take these pills, there's nothing else we can do" (even though it is NOT NORMAL to have these issues consistently for 3 years).

The new specialist caught me dissociating after diagnosing the issue in under five minutes. When I asked about the new med they were prescribing, they apologized that I hadn't been given the opportunity to take it before.

I now have to wait 3 months on this (non psychiatric) med to see if those symptoms will be finally be helped, but now that means I have to/get to retry the mood stabilizer, or something else since Lithium, Concerta, and Hydroxyzine are clearly not enough to keep me functioning.

I fucking advocate for myself y'all, but I was misdiagnosed, and kept getting sent away in tears. Now I'm spacey, dissociated. Still too scared and hurt to hope that this new thing will help.

I'm tired.

All I want to do is write. I will literally take whatever pill lets me get back to my preferred writing schedule. Gimme.

I'm trying not to let guilt pile up about not connecting, about not being able to write like I could when I wasn't severely depressed. Logic brain and depresso brain don't mix though, and my pile of unanswered comments and unread fics here and on Ao3 have been making me sad.

But it's just because I love this lil world, and I WANT to be here. I plan to try Lamictal again, or something else in about a month since I want to give the new med some time to observe any side effects.

For now, my mood stabilizer of choice is endless reaction videos of therapists and rappers reacting to Hi Ren, The Hunger, and Chalk Outlines. Ren's music fucking gets into me when nothing else can, and I'm trying TRYING to remember the lines that sit me down when I start to spiral.

It's helping me write to see him use his pain and trauma to create absolute beauty.

This is a giant ramble, but one more thing, I swear!

When I began writing for our Numbers Girl, and even when we got into her backstory, and trauma things started coming up, I didn't think about it like this. Since I've been diagnosed and medicated for 3 years, my ability to manage most of my psychological symptoms felt amazing. Those conditions went from being disabling to manageable and it was freeing. Writing about dissociation and trauma was easy because I know it all too well, it was satisfying because I wish I had found media to relate to when I was deep in it, and it was healing, because I was on the other side of it.

Now I'm back there. I did not mean to write a reader character dealing with mental health trauma while in the middle of it myself.

Hopefully I can hop back on some meds in a few weeks, and have the physical and mental symptoms I've been struggling with ease up.

I'm a trying.

It just made me sad laugh a couple of times while writing our Numbers Girl going through it recently, because I am now right there with her instead of reaching my hand down the deep, dark hole to help her climb into the light.

But we'll get through it together, and having such wonderful, supportive people cheering on my healing and writing is incredible. I can't begin to describe how grateful I am to all of you, and how excited I am to get back into this amazing community.

Just gotta go easy. Soften. Relax.

Thank you for reading 🙏🏼

Lynna 💜✨

[goodlucksnez]

cw: Swearing (a lot-its baku yall), mentions of toxic past, door slamming, holdback, Ice freezing sound effects, todo/baku implied, b/aku trying to be nice, and apologizing (character growth okay), K/ink Baku implied

The past week it has been over 100 degrees and i wanted to bring that to a wav so who better then T/odo and B/aku-Enjoy!!

Next wav: Ha//zbin

Transcript

Jesus. fucking God. mother fucking piece of shit *slams door*

Good afternoon Bakugou

 Oi shut up. I'm in no fucking mood.

 Is everything alright?

 No fucking Strawberry Shortcake. It's not fucking all right. It's 100° outside and I have to fucking go on patrol while you lounge around

Are you upset at me?

Wow. Whatever made you think that? I am covered in sweat. You're lucky and no one decided to Light a match near me or ill blow up half the damn city. Oh my God. Fuck summer. Fuck this. This is a bunch of fucking

Is your…..Emotions tied to the weather outside.

Don't even fucking start with me. Half and half. I'm in no fucking mood. It's hot as satan left testicle out there. OK, now fuck of while I take a fucking shower.

Only his left.

*slams door*

 Ohh yeah. Wow, he was really mad.Well,I can help with that at least. I can cool it down in here. I guess I never really noticed it. It's slightly warm. Well. Hopefully this will make a difference to him.

Why the fuck do I walk outside? It's hundred and fucking.*slips on ice* What the hell is this icy hot? Why the fuck is the living room a god damn ice rink?

So you're upset when you're both too hot and too cold.

You not mad that it's fucking a ice rink. I'm mad because this is my god damn living room and you're fucking it up. Melt this crap.

I apologize I.*sneeze* Thought you wanted it to be colder?

I want it to not be 101 fucking degrees outside doesn't mean it needs to be negative fucking 50, fucking idiot. I swear. You don't have a fucking brain in there

I apologize bakugou.

 Ohh, don't fucking Bakugou me.

 It is your name, is it not?

 Oh, my God. You fucking piss me off so much. You fucking know that.

I apologize.

Was that the people of the fucking world didn't fuck up the air this much? I wouldn’t be so mad, OK?

Would you like a frozen dairy product?

Are you fucking asking me if I want ice cream?

Yes.

Get the god damn cookies and cream and don't say shit

*eating ice cream*

 Don't fucking look at me like that.

I apologize

don't get me started.

 I'm confused. Is the ice cream not helping you cool down?

Really pushing your luck there.

I don't understand.

This is hard enough, OK.

Oh, would you like me to melt it for you

 not the fucking ice cream!! this, feeling. I feel bad about how I acted.

OK.

Fuck I'm sorry, OK? I was just hot and annoyed at that. I'm sorry, I shouldn't-Have yelled at you. OK. Ohh you don't need.

Don't finish that fucking sentence. I was in the wrong you're in the right. Happy now.

Not really. You still look.*sneeze* what?

What the hell did you just do?

I'm…sitting here looking at you.

No, the fucking convulsion. What the fuck was that?

 I sneezed.

You what?

Uhm, I sneezed.

Since when do you fucking sneeze?

I am a human. I have bodily functions just like the rest of us.

You sure? Because half the time you act like a damn robot.

I*sneeze* I assure you I am quite human. Pardon.

What the hell is wrong with you? I've known you for five fucking years. I don't think I've ever seen you fucking sneeze.

You most likely have. You just probably didn't notice you kind of Live in your own

 don't change the fucking subject on me. Let me rephrase. The god damm question. Why are you fucking sneezing?

 Oh, what it may have to do with the ice show earlier.

What?

 My internal body temperature is regulated by both the ice and the fire that I control within myself within my center. When one Is more prominent than the other. It can cause side effects. More likely than not, when I overheat. I have a hard time cooling myself down. When I am freezing, it's harder to warm myself up. Causes painful memories. Over the years, I've gotten better at controlling my regulations.

 That's not how this works.

You make sweat that can explode. I don't think this needs to be scientifically proven.

 So what your ices makes you fucking sneeze. Then what was with the fucking Ice show just trying to show off.

 I was trying to make you cool. *sneeze* Pardon me. Evidently I seem *snneze*.

 You fucking short circuit, if that's what the fuck you did.

I prefer the term got out of balance, but I guess you could Compare it to a AI misfiring. I mean, if you think about it,

don't. Go all fucking nerd on me. What? What do I fucking do? Do I stick you outside?

 I'm not a rabid animal bakugou. It's fine, it's just. Just some sneezing.

You'll probably be over that fucking faster if you actually let your body do it.

 Excuse me.

 You're holding them in. Your body is trying to obviously, fucking expel something. Let it do its job. Why are you shortening its lifespan?

Did you just refer to A bodily function as having a lifespan. Now he's being weird.

Oh, everyone thinks you're so gid damn analytical. No one realized. How fucking savage you can be.

You got that hitching shit like deku. Do I have to flick your nose too.

If I didn't know better, I would say you're enjoying this

shut up. I'm not enjoying this. It's just rare, OK.

You fucking stifle again. I will fucking. Come over there.

Pardon me.

Bless.

What was that

Fuck off

[anonymous-dentist]

since people apparently cant be formal im going to be: we dont use "q!" cuz people kinda dont want to talk abt the server, only spiderbit/guapoduo, so they decided to use "g!" or only "!", and when people are refering to other series they use the first letter of the series for example: "c!roier", i myself dont quite get the g!/! and understand why u dont like people not using "q!" when the universe they talking abt is qsmp

(people saw u complaining abt it here and start to shit on u without any context on twt and saying u complained that q wanst appearing in other fics even tho im pretty sure i didnt when ur distancing urself from him so i wanted to be formal :])

-🎀

(also can u explain y u dont like the "g!" or "!"???)

I can try to explain myself, but I'm also kinda crying answering this because I have a hard time with emotion regulation when I'm upset (autism thing)

OKAY! SO!

I don't really mind the new tag things? Like, I don't love them, but they're fine. If people want to distance themselves, that's fine. I'm distancing myself. Anybody who's been keeping up with my blog over the past half a year or so can see that I haven't really posted about the QSMP at all since Purgatory started. I haven't talked about Quackity at all outside of that shitshow of an awards ceremony in over a month when, for several years, I was a Quackity-centric blog (2021-early 2023)

My thing with the new tags, and with the Guapoverse thing in general, is that it really just isn't accessible for a larger audience. Sure, some parts of Twitter might understand it, but what about the rest of us?

As far as I can tell, the Guapoverse originated with a Twitter artist (Moone), and it blew up overnight. And I'm overall cool with it! It's a little silly, but so is fandom. I'm a fanfiction writer. Who plays Splatoon for like 4 hours every day. I know silly, and I love it

But then, BAM, I blink and everybody's abandoned the q! and they're changing their tags on Ao3 and making everything suddenly so much harder to find, and it's all about accessibility, isn't it? Like, don't get me wrong, I love a good multiverse, but when it inadvertently excludes a significant portion of the fandom, what are we supposed to do?

Like, say I go on Twitter looking for q!Pac fanart. But now it's so much harder to find because it isn't tagged or typed that way, it's !Pac, and that includes search results from every single au that has a ! in it, like if there was an au called AU!Pac? The !Pac would be in there. But I don't want to see AU!Pac, I want to see q!Pac.

And then there's the g! thingy. Like, that's fine, but a little more widespread of an explanation would've been nice. Like, what au does g! stand for? If you don't know what Guapoverse is, like A LOT OF PEOPLE don't, what are we supposed to think your art is? If we're looking for q!Cellbit art, we aren't necessarily going to like and retweet your art if it's labeled as g!Cellbit because we don't know that he's q!Cellbit.

It's kind of similar on Ao3, only that one's a little different because you can filter by relationship. But let's say you don't know how to do that. Let's say you're new to the website and you only know how to filter by fandom, because that's the first thing you learn how to do on Ao3- it's right there at the top of the front page: Browse By Fandom.

So you go to the QSMP tag looking for fics with Spiderbit/Guapoduo in them. But, here's the thing, you can't find any. Because they aren't being tagged QSMP, they're being tagged Guapoverse now even if the fics are being set in the QSMP setting.

It's just a general lack of fandom accessibility that gets me. I understand the distancing aspect, and I've been waiting for it to happen since the Elections when he Brazilian fandom started getting IMMENSE amounts of hatred from Gringo Chats. But it gets a little tricky when you're part of a fandom as large as this one is. How are we all supposed to share content and talk about things with each other if we can't even find each other anymore?

Like! I've lost so many cool fics I forgot to bookmark because they were taken out of the QSMP tag and moved into the new one! (The new one goes against ToS btw I believe, but go talk to a tag wrangler about that.)

People on Tumblr don't know what the Guapoverse is. TikTok doesn't. Reddit doesn't. Only Twitter does, and only a section of Twitter does. Because I haven't seen any English or French-speaking Guapoduo People talk about the Guapoverse, only Portuguese or Spanish-speaking people. And I get that the exclusion isn't purposeful and that the Guapoverse is meant to sort of heal everybody from the wounds the QSMP left, but I think that maybe even just spreading the news and not... you know... sending death threats and insults and smearing people's names would be better than this.

Thank you for politely asking. I thought I had made myself clear before, but I guess I hadn't.

I'm open to answer any more questions. I can't explain myself to my critics on Twitter, but I can answer your questions here, hopefully.

[ros3ybabes]

Things I Currently Do For Better Health 🎀

Hi lovelies 💗

I try to live my life in alignment with my values, the biggest value being improved quality of life. I like to think I've included a lot of different things into my life to improve overall quality of health and life. So here's a list of things I do that help me with consistent improved health!

*I do not do these things every single day/every single week! Sometimes life happens, as I am a full time employee and a full time college student, so there are times I am too busy or too tired for some things. However, these are things I like to work really hard to consistently implement in my life <3

🩷 Mental (Intelect) Health -

Reading at least 1 chapter of a book, typically self help or productivity focused

Studying a 2nd language! Currently focusing on Japanese but contemplating adding in Spanish as a secondary focus

Consuming informative content! I love podcasts, and I really like watching Ted talks! And of course, the books I read tend to be more non-fiction, just from personal preference

Academics! Keeping up with my school work and academic life keeps me well informed. I'm always learning something new in my classes! I also personally enjoy studying, I lowkey love academic validation!

🩷 Mental (Emotional) Health -

Journaling! I try to follow a guided journal as often throughout the week as I can and I try to do some writing in my normal journal every so often, but honestly I've been a little too busy for journaling

Therapy! I know not everyone has access to a therapist, but I absolutely love being able to talk to a mental health professional at least once a week. My therapist has been the greatest help, especially as things have gotten more stressful in my life.

Rest! It's really important for me to have down time and not feel guilty about taking some rest time for myself. I always make sure I'm in a position to take rest without compromising school work or anything, but I try to have some time during the week where I can just lay in bed and do nothing for a while.

Meditation! This is one I'm still trying to implement, but I used to meditate for 5 to 10 minutes in the morning and it always gave me some mental clarity and ease of kind for the day. Definitely want to pick it back up!

Yoga! So good for mindfulness, finding stillness and relaxation, and overall ease of my being in general. It's like a super peaceful flowy version of stretching, and I'm adding this back into my routine slowly.

🩷 Physical Health -

Exercise! I try to get in movement daily. Some days that's lifting weights in the gym or doing some moderate cardio on the treadmill, and other days that means light cardio from everyday tasks or some mindful stretching and yoga to relax my body after a long day

Sleep! I try to get 6 to 8 hours a night at minimum otherwise I tend to over do the caffiene which only hurts me in the long run. Quality sleep is important for me, it helps me regulate my mood, my energy levels, and my appetite and cravings! The worse and less sleep I get, the crankier and hungrier I tend to be

Nutrition and Hydration! I do not believe in restricting foods, I believe in healthy moderation and healthy substitution. I try to eat a decent amount of protein and fiber, while not restricting or feeling guilt on days I eat a little higher fats or carbs. Balance is key! And water is so important!! It helps my skin, my energy, my hunger signals, everything!

Skincare!! I feel so amazing after a full skincare routine. My morning routine is simple for now, but there's nothing like a good skincare routine to make me feel my best and most confident.

🩷 Miscellaneous-

regular doctor appointments! eye exams, general physician checkups, mental health appointments, dental, all of it! you'll never know what aspect of your health needs some work if you don't keep an eye on it! I look forward to all my appointments as it always gives me insight into my health that I otherwise wouldn't know.

Balance! I work full time, 5 days a week. I go to classes in person 4 days a week plus two online classes for a total of almost 18 credit hours. I'm stressing about finances, insurance, future classes, and my current grades. Therefore, I make sure to find time for the gym, for my skincare routine, for my therapy appointments, and for quality sleep. If I let any aspect of my self care and health slide, I'd be a spiraling mess, and I can't afford to do that to myself, nor do I want to. I deserve self care and rest and good days, and I always like to play an active part in having a good day for myself! Balance is key!

That's all for now, lovelies. My greatest value in my personal life in regards to myself is a high quality of life and I want to ensure I get that! I love working on my health and taking care of myself. I love keeping myself healthy and happy and functioning. We all deserve good health, happiness, and positive days!

til next time, lovelies 💗

[mikuni14]

Dead Friend Forever - Ep 7

This episode of DFF is also excellent and I feel so blessed to have experienced two series with such well-written scripts this week (the other being Love for Love's Sake, of course) 💖

Everything in DFF is clear, logical and understandable when we take into account that the characters of this series are 1) humans 2) teenagers. I completely understand the behavior of each of these characters, even when I feel like tearing my hair out or throwing punches and kicks at them. If anyone is wondering whether what Non, his teacher, his bullies, is doing is illogical, I encourage you to study police reports - I have literally read about situations such as those in DFF.

Phee: what a solid guy 😍 As soon as he appears, we see him as a perfect boyfriend, romantic, strong, who gets things done. I like his attitude, the fact that no matter what, how, he gets shit done, even if he has to use his own father and his position to do it. I understand his controlling nature when you have a boyfriend like Non (Phee is in love, but he's not stupid and naive), I also understand that he doesn't fully trust Non. I completely understand his behavior at the end, especially when he entered the scene with Non and the teacher hugging. I also understand cruel words. Should Phee have acted differently? Of course. But he COULD NOT. Because he would have to be made of stone and be a hardened adult with perfect self-control and nerves of steel. Phee, despite how smart and talented he is, is only human and is still a child who doesn't have to be able to regulate his emotions, control his feelings of hurt, betrayal and rejection, and doesn't have to be able to cope ALWAYS and in every situation. Perhaps when Phee calms down, he will want to explain the situation, or at least apologize for his words. Who knows. Anyway, he's great as a character, my fav.

Non: in his being pathetic, in refusing Phee's help, in trying to save his situation by sinking deeper and deeper, in trusting the wrong people, in "allowing" bullying, in seeking validation of his self-worth where he shouldn't be, he is 100% real. Non irritates and that's how it should be. Because victims are often irritating and often confusing in their behavior. And how often questions are asked: but he/she agreed to it, no one forced her/him, he/she went there herself, they did it of their own free will! Why didn't he/she tell anyone, why didn't they confess? And here we can also ask why Non is doing all this, why won't he confess to Phee, why won't he transfer to another school, why is he having sex with the teacher? For me, Non is a victim of the system, his illness, his family, his school, and maybe also his personality. I also wondered why he didn't want to change schools and just leave it all behind, usually students who are victims of bullying dream of changing schools. But I think, looking at his conversation with Phee, that Non wanted to regain control over his life, wanted to solve his problems himself, perhaps feeling like a weakling and a loser seeing how easily Phee solved his problems. Perhaps he felt that control over his life was slipping from his fingers and he desperately tried to regain it by closing open issues, such as his debt and the movie. Does his behavior make sense to me? No. But I've never been in such a situation, I'm trying to understand it and this explanation seems quite logical to me. Especially since Non tries hard and finally wants to give up at least the movie, while staying at the summer house, and is stopped by Jin. And he tries to get the money back by sleeping with his teacher, because in his mind THIS is not bad, THIS is just a way to solve the debt problem. And for him, a poor person, the problem of money may be more important than having sex with a teacher. Sex with the teacher itself doesn't have to be such a big problem for him, especially since the teacher is young, handsome, helpful, nice and shows compassion and attention. For a person like Non, it may even be flattering and he may even convince himself that nothing bad is happening, it's just sex, physical stuff, he gets something out of it that solves his money problem and the teacher is so nice! I can imagine how Non can manipulate himself in this situation and how easy a victim of grooming and manipulation he is for the teacher. And I must say that the series shows PERFECTLY how adults prey on children and teenagers, technically the adult does not force Non to do anything, he just sets up a very complicated trap in which Non cannot say "no". This series really doesn't fuck around, it just shows the TRUTH. Just to be clear: Non is the SA victim in this situation, PERIOD. I do not accept any accusations against him.

Jin: I don't know ultimately whether it was Jin who released this video, but if he did it, I understand that too, his behavior seems logical to me. People do all kinds of stupid and hurtful things under the influence of feelings of betrayal and hurt (even if Jin had no right to these feelings), especially young people (here is the same situation as with Phee, which I described above). Jin may feel betrayed, because he "did so much for Non", he always defended him. Jin also honestly has a crush on Non and found him not with a boy on a date (Jin didn't have any strong reaction to seeing Non hugged by another boy), but having sex with an adult and with a teacher to that. It's a lot to digest, and clearly Jin couldn't handle it at all (if I'm not mistaken, he was also drinking, which certainly didn't help).

All these shitty little pricks: Fluke, as always, avoids trouble and simply removes himself from situations, never comments, never takes sides (meaning - he takes sides with the bullies). I wonder how Jin always looks at him when he's looking for allies to help Non and how Fluke never reacts. Por, with his increasingly worse behavior, also fits the mold of a classic bully who has found a victim, in addition, someone he truly hates, and whom he can torment without consequences, and it's quite possible that he simply likes it. All this is a dangerous mix, pushing Non to his limits, encouraging other bullies, but also very realistic. Tee and Top are up to something and it scares me. All I know is that this money will be stolen and Non will have to get it again...

I am very impressed with this series, how well it's done, how realistic and logical it is. I'm incredibly intrigued and curious and I'm looking forward to the next episode. I rate the story building, script and character cohesion as 10.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m really interested in what you said about taking an adderall before socializing so that you don’t have to spend the next several days agonizing about the awkward shit you said. I’ve never heard anyone talk about that as a benefit before.

Is it because taking it makes you less likely to say the awkward shit at all? Or because it just makes you less likely to fixate on it later? I mean, either way sounds pretty good, I’m just curious and intrigued.

Yeah, it's pretty fascinating. I'm going to try to put this in coherent order but there is a lot going on here, so let's start with the disclaimer that a lot of this is anecdotal or based in casual research, so I don't have sources to cite, but you should be able to google and explore for yourself.

SHORT VERSION: Adderall doesn't alter my behavior, at least as far as I can tell; it might somewhat inhibit my bad habit of interrupting, but that’s not why I take it. I take it because it prevents me from reacting emotionally to awkward moments in a social situation or remembering those moments later. The result is that instead of thinking "Oh, that thing I did was super awkward" and obsessing over it, when it probably wasn't awkward and if it was nobody remembers it anyway, I just don't have any strong emotion attached to it so I don't remember and feel bad about it later.

It's like if the color red constantly burned your eyes, and you could take a drug that would turn down the saturation. You still see the color, but now you see it the way everyone else sees it, and it doesn't hurt anymore.

The long version is...more complex, but I'm including it because I want to talk about why this maybe happens.

The reason I have such fraught emotions surrounding socializing is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a common aspect of ADHD. It's not the only reason one might obsessively relive embarrassing moments, but if you have ADHD, RSD is the likely cause. RSD is linked to poor emotional regulation which derives from a deficiency in executive function. So this whole family of ADHD symptoms -- poor focus, poor short-term memory, time blindness -- all come from a basic failure of executive function, and so does RSD. And luckily for me, my poor executive function can be treated with stimulants (some people, even people with ADHD, don’t respond well to them). 

Even though RSD seems dissimilar to other aspects of ADHD, because the stimulant addresses a neurological root cause, anything stemming from that cause is, to some degree, alleviated by the medication. 

RSD can manifest in various ways. I'm generally fine when I'm present in a social situation, but I struggle to resolve shame and anxiety around past behavior. I have spent a lot of time worrying that people who, let's be clear, I know love and respect me, have finally had enough of me and something I said or did was the last straw. I know intellectually this is not the case and I have spent my adult life striving to remind myself of that so that I don’t come off as a needy creep who constantly has to be reassured of other peoples’ affections. Emotionally, however, I was incapable of reconciling these memories. They just hung around in my brain, causing me a lot of pain and regret.

So there’s a chain reaction of saying something, realizing it may have been somewhere between "slightly weird" and "deeply upsetting", and encoding it in my memory with strong emotions of shame and fear attached to it. I then involuntarily relive those memories and the emotions attached to them afterward -- usually only for a few days, but depending on the event, sometimes off and on for years. I suspect this derives from our very early ancestors, who had to hard-code dangerous situations into their memories so if they encountered them again they'd recognize them as dangerous. My brain simply encodes every social interaction as having a fairly high level of danger. This situation is fucking life-threatening, don't go near one again or you'll feel like this forever. Except in my case "this situation" is not dangerous, it's just a dinner party with friends or a meeting with a colleague or a first date. 

It seems that the Adderall switches off that instinct to categorize social interaction as inherently dangerous by allowing me to regulate my emotions. If I’m not feeling fear in the moment -- because there’s no reason to be afraid! -- then my brain doesn’t categorize the moment as dangerous, and won’t remember it negatively later. I won’t really remember it at all. So my memories go from “A dinner party where I said three terrible things that I feel shame over” to “A dinner party where I had some really nice conversations.” Do I remember the conversations? Not in detail, and that’s fine. That’s how memory is supposed to work. 

And now, because I know if I take an Adderall half an hour before a party starts I won’t feel shame or fear after the party ends, I’m even more capable of relaxing and enjoying myself, meaning I’m even less likely to feel negative emotions that would cause me to remember things with shame later. I just thought shame was a price you paid for socializing; I knew the amount I felt wasn’t right, but I thought everyone else just put up with some amount of it. But no, it turns out when your brain isn’t constantly looking for a fucking lion trying to eat you in the middle of cocktail hour, the reason people go out and socialize is that it’s...fun to do. And it turns out when I’m not subconsciously terrified that I’m about to be drowned in quicksand, I actually form fond and positive memories of things. 

Which is a little wild to be experiencing for the first time at the age of 43, but better late than never. And it means that while I still struggle a great deal with emotional intimacy, I’m much, much more capable of maintaining social contacts and deepening friendships because my friends can see and talk to me face-to-face and I can enjoy my time with them more. 

[zu-is-here]

Hey zuuu, I've been thinking about studio dream and his behaviour.

I see that most people are calling him just a mean guy right? Well idk, I might just be spit balling but hear me out.

A lot of the times he's been rude in the comic so far haven't seemed to be on purpose, he seems unfiltered and even reprimands himself for bringing up the girl.

I might be projecting here, but did you ever consider the idea that he could be on the spectrum. I can recognise behaviours in him that I exhibit sometimes. A lack of social awareness and a lack of filter.

As with epic, when finding out he was 'just a janitor' and had a hard time with even getting that job, he responded rudely. However to someone on thr spectrum saying something like that could be down to a genuine confusion and a lack of understanding on social interaction.

His short temper can also be a sign, as another factor can be a difficulty with emotional regulation. I can especially struggle when negative emotions are involved. They can hit me very harshly.

The moodiness as well, in high stress times it can be harder to find the strength to mask and a more moody and un social look can slip out. And I'd say getting kicked out is that.

Sheldon Cooper may not be a very good example of representation, but one thing he said 'it's like an inch in my brain I can't scratch ' is apparent.

Thoughhh, this is not all ASD people as it is a spectrum for a reason, there are alot of factors and these can just be signs in some cases. Representation of the condition isn't something that's often done well in the media so this might be a sensitive topic.

I just can't help but wonder, if these character flaws could indicate that, because that could be an amazing angle. I'm not trying to say that his behaviour isn't his responsibility, because it still is.

If he was, then it acts like someone who might not be aware or hasn't yet learnt how to manage his condition. Learning coping mechanisms could help him improve his behaviour and filter. If he grew up with people constantly excusing his behaviour because he 'can't help it', then it can also factor into narcissism or compared with sibling thing you mentioned. So him accepting that there are things he can't help, but also things he can do to manage the symptoms, he could have a complete character arc in that way.

All that being said, I know this is most likely not at all what you intended, and you probably have no interest in pursuing this idea. But idk it's been on my mind and I can't help but feel like it could be a interesting angle. You can tell these boys live rent free on my head lol.

It does sound like him actually, thank you very much for your suggestion and explanation, Gayfish! (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*) I'm glad to hear that his flaws feel so real, guess I'm on the right track with "exploring" him ᕦ(òwóˇ)☆

"He seems unfiltered and even reprimands himself for bringing up the girl" is just what I felt when trying to see more of him, not Dream *^*

In this story, I'm a mere observer just like you, and they're still a bit of a mystery to me (ò_óˇ) It may sound weird since I'm the one who draws, but to be honest, I just "open" them up more with each new page and try to find the way they would act, not how they should / I want them to act.

That's why I'm still not sure what they'll end up with... "A complete character arc" would be the best outcome indeed, but who knows? Not me x)

UPD:

That's it! :'D

[queerpontmercy]

ok cognitive restructuring this and positive self-talk that but i feel like an underappreciated little shame-free strategy for my mental health and problem-solving has been replacing "why" questions with "what" questions, when trying to un-spiral myself.

"why did i do that?" vs "what was happening before that went down?"

"why does x always trigger me so much?" vs "what might help me feel better now that i've been dealing with x?" (and giving it your best guess, even if you aren't 100% certain.)

don't get me wrong, i think curiosity is one of thee components of a healthy self. but you also kinda gotta think about what's gonna be helpful and not make the spiral deeper. and here's my reasoning, rooted in personal experience.

if you ask yourself, "why am I like this/why did i do that/why couldn't i do it?" and you don't know the answer? you are often setting yourself up for a lot of shame, guilt, and self-blame. i don't advocate for asking "why did you do that" to kids especially, because they might be too young to figure out the cause and effect on their own. unfortunately, a lot of us - especially a lot of neurodivergent folks- have had that experience of being interrogated and feeling powerless. when you're trying to help yourself feel better, you don't want to recall that shit.

and on the FLIP side...

if you ask yourself "why am i like this" and you KNOW the answer and you haven't really processed it, you've likely set yourself up to recall a set of times you were miserable, when you're already probably feeling not great. "i'm anxious around strangers because i have a history of being viciously bullied and emotionally abused, i also have an anxious attachment style, i also probably have something wrong with my hormones--" well unless i'm very good at emotional regulation and moving on from my thoughts, there's a good chance i'm now thinking about all that and how much it sucks. and there are times and places to unpack those boxes! i personally think therapy's great for that, because having someone safe there can help with the spiraling bit.

but home alone on a rough day? i've taught myself to ask a what question first, even if why is more tempting. if i really, really want to, i'll look into the void later, but in the moment it's likely not gonna help me much, especially if i'm still new to getting through hard times in a safe and sustainable way.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

I told my mother that I think I have ADHD a year ago. she clearly didn't think so, but booked a doctors appointment for me anyway, but she was clearly only entertaining the idea in a 'sure, the esster bunny is real' kind of way. we went to the doctors, she said 'do these two things and come back in a month'. I did. we didn't go back.

my friend with most of the same symptoms as me went and got a test done, and she was diagnosed with adhd. she said she asked the person who was testing her about me and my symptoms, and they said 'that definitely sounds like ADHD'. adhd and autism run in my family, but my mum doesn't seem to like the idea of me having it so she just dismisses me.

I was trying to explain how hard it is for me to get started on things, and she said 'you just need to figure it out'. no help offered at all. I was trying to explain sensory issues and she said 'it's not that bad, just deal with it'. I was trying to explain lack of emotional regulation (made worse by my period) and she said 'you need to calm down'. i was apologising for forgetting to do the laundry and she said 'you need to be better.' one time I went nonverbal and she was yelling at me to 'just speak, it can't be that damn hard'. my symptoms are always dismissed as 'find a way around it' or 'just do better'.

she just doesn't listen to me whenever I try to tell her something, yet she's always preaching that I can vent to her.

I wanna go back to the doctor but im scared she'll say no. it's just really hard to get shit done with her always breathing down my neck and telling me I need to do better, because I'm doing the very best I can but it's never good enough. I don't know what to do to get through to her

I'm sorry that this is long a turned into a vent... don't feel pressured to answer this

Hi there,

I’m sorry you’re going through something that seems very nerve racking. Have you tried explaining specifically why you can’t start a project and why you forget things.

Here’s an article about trouble getting started with tasks. It’s for adults, but I think it could be applied to teenagers too:

If you’re having trouble with chores, here’s a helpful blog post talk about making routines and checklists for chores:

Hopefully these can help. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️