#embedded in me since childhood was i am unworthy of love

[chryblossomjjk]

all i wanted was u…

[gingershotshotshot]

Day 19: your thoughts on your family

it’s so fascinating that our relationship with our families are reflected in our romantic relationships. i’ve gotten to know my relationship with my parents (or lack thereof with my dad i guess) a lot better the past few years since i’ve tapped into my dynamic with a serious romantic partner.

how to describe this feeling... i guess recognizing what was lacking in my childhood and family relationships made me confront the fact that my mom, despite all she’s done for me, has so many of her own faults. if i were an objective outsider, i would have emotions towards her that i am ashamed of feeling as her daughter, knowing all the hardships she’s gone through. and i see so much of my mom in myself now, as a grown woman. i love and hate that lol. my mom is a good mom, she tries her best with me, gives me all she has. i’m grateful for her and i’d like to put away and avoid projecting my own insecurities in my relationship with her, the last thing i want is to hurt her. she deserves so much more than that.

and my dad, i never used to think about him much. i figured he didn’t matter to me since he’s barely in my life...but now i recognize that his absence holds such a large presence that looms over me - in how i behave and interact with my partner, in those moments of self-loathing and feeling unworthy/undeserving of love and care, and so much deeply embedded distrust in all my relationships, never being able to settle into a feeling of safety and security. what sucks the most is that he will never know any of this, he left me in a lifetime of trauma but just gets away with it. must be nice.

my aunt and uncle in china - i love that they are more like friends, they can offer an object mature opinion. I can talk to them about my values, my dreams, my worries without them getting all ‘adult’ on me lol

and lastly, my grandparents. im so happy we have a close relationship. my grandma may be the person i am the closest with. i want to be like her - determined, curious, strong, hard-working, and has such a big heart. she’s such a tenacious woman. as for grandpa, he has the heart of a child. i always remember how lenient and loving he was with the kids when we were young. he’d never say no to buying us treats and toys.

all in all, i know i have it good. there are a lot of things i need to work through personally in terms of my relationship with my parents. but i know they are not perfect humans either. my bigger family is great, im very glad i’m close with my extended family, we always have each other in our mind and hearts.