#dsyphorias bad

[hellenicdreaming]

I've grown my hair to a certain point and feel real bad dysphoria from it so I'm getting it cut on friday. Kinda want something like this but my fringe is a little too short so I'm thinking of connecting it with the GD picture. Hoping it will help me feel better 😔💜

[saynotogenderandstayclean]

Ok, Re: the first appointment with a psychiatrist.

Firstly i was honestly blindsided by just how horrible it felt having to explain my identity (as in, being trans) to get health care.

Side note about trans healthcare in Germany: there aren't really any laws about trans healthcare. Apart from the laws about changing your name and gender marker and a handful of rulings in lawsuits, trans healthcare is just not regulated by law in germany.

But because bureaucracy is basically a national sport, there definitely are rules. For the majority of the population (including me) those rules are the ones that public health insurance sets. So i'll be referring to those rules.

So getting hormones is technically not that hard in germany, you just need a note from a psychologist, so a doctor will perscribe you hormones and insurance companies are usually not fussy about it. And a chill psychologist will usually give you one of those notes within a few appointments.

And (apart form the inherently patronizing nature of having to go through a psychologist first) that doesn't sound so bad right? Trick question, because of course there's a catch: waiting times. A lot of psychologists either have ridiculously long waiting lists or aren't even taking new patients, the same goes for endocrinologist who are knowledgeable about treating trans patients.

I had to wait over three moths for an appointment with a psychologist and the earliest that an endo in my city could see me was in November (more then six moths in the future) (i'm hoping that my gynecologist will agree to perscribe me hormones, but i don't know wether or not she'll agree).

Another thing about this appointment: i was told by the psychologist that surgeons apparently don't operate on people if they haven't tried therapy yet. This is another one of the insurance guidelines: to get gender affirming surgery you need to have been in therapy for six moths and to have been diagnosed with Transsexualisms (IDC-10) and Gender Dysphoria (DSM-5).

Again this isn't legally binding by any means and i was hoping to get a hysterectomy and pay for it myself.

Because there's another problem. You may have noticed that the guidelines for treating trans patients still include an outdated diagnosis: Transsexualisms. Which ONLY covers binary trans people, of which i am not one!

It's also just really eating at me how much the psychiatrist talked about, this all being about preventing potential regret. Which just makes me want to scream with rage whenever someone mentions it, because what about current pain, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU JUSTIFY LEAVING ME TO SUFFER FOR ANY LONGER, BECAUSE YOU'RE cOnCErnED. FUCK YOU, like holy shit i am just beyond angry at this point.

[forthwtaintedsorrow]

I don't feel comfortable and I feel like I'm gonna cry any second and I don't even know why. I feel so bad and I can't do this right now, but the thing is.. she didn't even said anything bad.

[karl-marxs-lil-pogchamp]

the jealousy is unbearable for me sometimes

[grapefacegrfa]

I just finished lfls and I cried. Could I get some leo x gn reader fluff just some cuddles? something cute. my heart needs happy leo

As someone who is way too scared to read that fic solely because it shatters my heart to see my comfort characters in any sort of negative situation, I'd be more than happy to!

.

"Cuddles [I, yet again, felt too lazy to think of a better title]"

Scenario: Some high quality cuddles from an even higher quality boyfriend :) [Headcanons]

Pairing: ROTTMNT Leo x GN! Reader (Romantic)

Warning(s): Just some good ol' fluff. Not necessarily direct comfort involved, but if it comforts you, then yeah! :D

☾ At first, Leo was actually too nervous to initiate any physical contact. He was always comfortable enough to give you casual side hugs, but he'd have to hype himself up to hold your hand or anything more than that. notice how i said "at first"

☾ Eventually, Leo becomes much more comfortable with more romantic gestures. If you're comfortable with physical touch, expect this goofball to always be close to you. Even if it's just an arm lazily wrapped around your shoulder, Leo's always touching you in some way.

☾ As far as cuddles go, the overall experience may depend on what kind of day either of you had. However, I can assure you that cuddles with this goober are always lovely (okay, maybe not literally always because it would kind of depend on your definition of "lovely cuddles").

☾ If either of you had a rough day, he'll usually be laying down while facing you with his chin above your head, but he tends to move around and shift every now and then on a good day or if he has trouble sleeping. Leo's comfortable with just about any cuddling position though. Big spoon? Great! Little spoon? Sweet! An absolute train wreck of tangled limbs? Hell yeah!

☾ Although his favorite has to be when you're both facing each other and he can see your lovely face as he's falling asleep and waking up. He's such a mush for you ajfhekdjdndkfh

☾ Facing you may he his favorite, but being the little spoon makes him melt (not that he'd ever admit that out loud). Being in your arms at all really is just absolute heaven for him. Poor boy just needs to be held in general.

☾ Bonus points if you tell him sweet words of affirmation while the two of you are cuddling. Call him your champion even once and he's putty in your hands. Does it feed his ego? Absolutely. Does he need it anyway? Yes.

☾ If you've had a bad day or just aren't feeling well emotionally, this boy treats you like royalty. If you allow him to, he'd carry you to his room himself (he literally had half a fridge on his chin in one of the episodes; holding you is like a bag of grapes) to cuddle. After grabbing some water and some snacks, Leo lays down next to you and wraps one arm around your waist as the other runs through your hair. He'd place soft kisses on the top of your head as he mumbles soft words of encouragement along the lines of: "I know things have been hard, but I'm so proud of you for pushing through it." "I'm so lucky to have you in my life." As well as many gender-specific compliments if you're struggling with gender dsyphoria.

☾ Overall, 9/10, would definitely recommend [totally not being bias]

.

Man, I'm glad ya gave me this request because I needed it too abdjsodnskfjdjsk

[passing-the-cis-test]

Introduction!

Hi everyone! I'd like go make a few well known points on this blog, such as its purpose, what it includes/will eventually, rules, and a little bit about myself.

Origins/About the Admin

The admin uses he/him pronouns and will use the online alias of Red.

This account was born from a conversation between a good friend of mine and I. I, a trans boy, have had to do so much digging and so much research, discreet things that transphobic parents won't approve of, and dove through so many loopholes that made my journey through gender dsyphoria and discovering my identity so much easier but so much harder at the same time.

I thought that if I used all that I had gathered and put it all on one platform, specifically focusing on that one thing alone, it would give other people out there what I didn't have. A bit of ease through what is already such a tough journey.

JUST TO CLARIFY!!:

This blog is safe for all umbrellas of queer or straight origin.

This blog is safe for everyone.

This blog is NOT trying to "convert" people. The "transgender agenda" that transphobes seem to stamp all of us with is nothing more than wanting to be ourselves and feel comfortable as who we are.

If you are uncomfortable with this? Please, feel free to leave. I never asked for transphobes here and I certainly don't want them to stay.

This blog WILL be providing tips and tricks for all the handsome young boys and demiboys, beautiful little ladies and demiladies, gorgeous genderfluids, incredible enbies, and all of you wonderful somewhere-in-betweens!

Just what are these tips and tricks?

Tips and tricks will include how to pass as what society deems feminine or masculine.

I do not judge if you know you are a boy and want to be feminine, I do not judge if you know you are a girl and want to be masculine.

This is not meant to enforce society's ideals of the gender separated stereotypes, but rather showing you what those are and helping you present when in an unsafe space or an unaccepting space.

But what about asks and messages?

Please do not be afraid to shoot me a message through my inbox! Anonymous messages are completely acceptable and I am fully willing to answer any questions I can.

Don't be afraid to ask overly specific questions either! It could be an advice box if you need it :)

No transphobic or homophobic asks will be tolerated. You will be blocked, reported, and never seen on my blog again. This goes for transphobic jokes, memes, news articles, claims, scientific reports, etc.

THIS IS NOT A VENTING BOX!! I'm sorry in advance to my loves who are struggling with their lives right now but in order to help you if you submit an ask in the ask box, I must answer publicly. If you need to vent, don't be afraid to send me a message. :) I am here for you all and will listen to you all.

The admin of this blog does cope with ADHD (attention deficient hyperactive disorder ie. brain zoomies zoomz and cannot focus well, gets off task easily) and autism (ie. help me with social cues please I do not understand neurotypical people) so if you could use any of these codes at the beginning of a message I would greatly appreciate it!

(vent) - you would like to vent [ this is a rather general one ]

(help) - you would like advice with something included in your message

(word vomit) - you would like to rant about something in a negative way, like you had a bad day and need to get it off your chest

(rant) - you would like to talk to someone about something good or positive that may have happened :) THESE CAN BE SUBMITTED VIA ASKS IF YOU'D LIKE TO! this kind of ask will be included under the tag #trans positivity and will be made public to spread some hope and joy :)

What will this blog include other than just advice?

This blog will include all sorts of things, pertaining specifically to transgender people, regardless of transition status 🙏❤

This is a source of information, an outlet, and a friend to go to if you need a little boost.

Remember that I love you all, and you are all good people. No matter what others may say to you.

(P.S. please don't be afraid to repost screenshots on pinterest or other websites, I want this to reach as many people as it can 🙏🙏 this blog is only meant to help)

[cazzythefrogking]

Lemon boy is coming together! I filled a bunch of plotholes, and now I'm ready to start developing the actual plot more >:>

It should be out within this year. Probably in the summer, cuz I'll be off of school

(also I do need some help with character-y things cuz I'm trying to make it diverse and I wanna write it accurately. So if you wanna see your experiences in here, please dm me, I'm happy to add them! also if you have or have had OCD, ADHD, autism, bulimia nervosa, bipolar, bad gender dsyphoria, etc I'm already adding those so I could also use help!)

[falsebooles123]

Finding The First Gay Kiss - Diary of a Big Ole Gay 1/7/23

Edit: Yes I know that I published this three days late, suck my dick.

Hey Whores, Today I am sad, not because of movies but just because being unemployed is depressing and I am someone who deals with ... that sort of thing.

(also thank you tumblr for checking on my mental health, you real for that)

I don't like to talk about my depression because honestly its not that bad like compared to some peoples, like I can always get out of bed in the morning, I'm not suicidal. Its just sometimes even when everything in life is fine I just have no energy and I want to cry for no reason. or I sleep for 10 hours everynight and I still feel tired.

and I know that my pain and sickness is valid as much as everyone elses but I feel that I'm stealing valor for being someone with like mild depression symptoms. What I'm saying is that I'm a fake emo.

(go on fuck me emo boy go on fuck me emo boy, wait what was I doing...)

Its Day 4 of the job hunt and I'm typing this up before I go job hunting today but its just so hard when life sucks not to catasphize I hate this feeling of freefall, of feeling like you have slipped off of the tight rope of life and you are just falling

falling

falling

falling

sure at any moment you will either hit the net or feel every single bone in your body break simultaniously. The body eletric, a petit mort of estatic orgasmic pain before nothing.

and I know that that isn't true, i know that I am capable that I am strong, that I am more then the obstucles that get put in my way. and even if thats not true I could always be a nihilist and know that the human desire to keep on keeping on will keep my mortal flesh in pained wretcheness for awhile longer.

Well now that i was a little emo about this shit lets actually talk about the movies I watched this week. BTW I rented a bunch from my local library so thanks taxes.

Glen or Glenda (1953) dir. Edward D. Wood Jr.

Glen or Glenda is something else. On its surface its almost the transsexual Anders Die Al Aldern, complete with a psycologist and plee for sympathy, on the other hand it is a bizarre acid trip of imagery that is impossible to discribe outside of 1940s experimental film, on the third hand it is a anderson-esque autobiography work where wood confronts his own desires for transvesticism to the point that it greatly misreads the room.

This film greatly misunderstans transness, it conflates crossdressing, (which is presented as a fruedian fetishism for lace and fur), with being trans and it doesn't spend a lot of time exploring either of these ideas well. Psuedo-anaylsis is applied to find the roots of their GNC and tbh a lot of this films messaging is outdated.

However I have also had the good fortune of reading a book on the subject, (the name escapes me and I'm to lazy to look it up), and a lot of the way that transness is discussed is period accurate. A lot of people that were getting medical care, (including the influential christina jorgensine), were doing so because of hormone inbalances or because they were intersex. transmedicalism has been the bread and butter of trans health care and while I absolutely don't support it political for a variety of reasons it is the framework people had at the time. The notion of gender identity or even dsyphoria, (are modern transmedical metric)), are woefully modern.

that being said it should also be noted that a lot of people really didn't care about the distinction insofar as it purtained to being part of the queer community. The desire to be GNC was seen in itself enough and our distictions of queer identity are also more modern in the same way that before the 1970s bisexual wasn't a weirdly used label or the notion of asexuals, (who were under the bi umbrella), didn't politically branch off until the 1990s or later.

I don't want to excuse the politics of this film but I do think it is a queer work, dealing with one mans experience of bigotry and trying to heart-felt make an acceptance piece. The fact that this film is so deragated, not by a trans audience, but by a mainstream one, to me comes off as aggresively queerphobic.

I am not going to say that this film gets to be in the cult status of problematic faves like RHPS or its even more problamatic cousin Hedwig and the Angry Inch but I do think that it is being cut from a very similar cloth.

The Detective (1968) dir. Gordon Douglas

At some piont around the 60s and into the 70s Crime Prods went into this almost ACAB era, where instead of explicet copaganda, (y'know like the post-9/11 stuff), they were shown as almost anti-villians and this film is no different.

Usually this gets compared to Serpico or Victim, I don't watch a lot of '60s films so it reminds me of Cruising(1980) which came out later on.

Basically ol blue eyes is a third generation pig and he's investigating the murder of a gay man. but see hes one of the good guys because he doesn't think its nice to call the queers f*ggots, oh and be clear the pigs are very homophobic in this. they love calling us fags and fudgepackers and fairy queens and who the fuck knows what else.

But see Sinatra is a good guy so he only emotional abuses his unfaithful wife a little, and also totally didn't beat a confession out of a innocent man and get him sent to jail.

Its differcult with these films because on one hand pigs are pigs and its at least honest but on the other hand these films do glorify this violence. I don't know i'm not a film scholar, (I say as I write my academic ass essay on this subject).

I do want to rewatch Cruising at some point one causes its very hot.

(i literally had to type in the year and director because tumblr won't let me search for Cruising. What if I want to see a man get sucked off in the bushes tumblr-bumbly thats my progative)

and second because the film I feel has a more neutral idea of cops. I think that depicting them as all racist pigs and all good guys as a gun is a disservice. Being the jack boot thug of the regime is obvious a moral gray area and while I refuse to sympathize with shit like "The boy in the stripe pajamas" I do have some interest in see people deal with a corrupt system.

Rope (1948) dir. Alfred Hitchcock

There Lesbians Harold.

so first before I discribe this film let me first discuss how gay the origins of this are. For those not in the know Rope is based off of a 1929 play Ropes End, (well in the broadway run), which in turn was inspired by the case of Leopald and Loeb.

There were two young students, (teenaged at the time I believe), who murdered a 14 year old boy because they had read too much nietzche

Not only were the two murderes but it turned out that they were indeed gay lovers, with the sexual relationship feeding into the more toxic dom/sub aspect of the killing team, (OK I watched a lot of criminal minds and they fit the model to a tee).

this of course was tawdry and shocking and of course it feeled the fucked up imaginations of people and so the gay codependence of these two murderers found there way into Ropes End which dramaticised the events.

This was then picked up somewhere by Alfred Hitchcock and given to Arthur Laurents, also gay, (btw according to wikipedia he got set up with his partner by Gore Vidal of all people).

Also both of the main actors in this John Dall and Farley Granger were MLM. Another fun fact was that the Prof, (who was explicitely a daddy in the play), was originally offered to Cary Grant, a man who has never been accused of liking other men. He turned it down supposedly to the queer intonations of the work, (I want to be clear that Grant has stared in other queer works but thats not the point).

Laurents discusses in Rope Unleased (which was nicely enough included as an extra on the DVD I borrowed from the ibrary), how the whole movie was about "It" and everyone was in on it. And it kinda is.

The Murder scene is sexual, with the men holding up Davids prostate body, one with there hands around his throat, the other having his hand inside the jacket feeling his heart beat slowly stop. This death is in someway Le Petit Mort.

Laurents says once again in the doc

"Hitchcock was fascinated by the fact that they were gay murderers, if they were gay he wouldn't care, if they were murderers, but both"

(I'm paraphrasing here)

and this film conflates murder with sex in a way that is palpable. The body becomes almost this symbol of there homosexuality something that can be revealed and outed. Theres another prescient quote by Dom Prof along the lines of

"You Know Phillip, I wish I could come Straight out with what I know

Unfortunetly I don't know any, I merely Suspect"

and lets be clear there is a lot of lines in this work that have that kind of double meaning.

This Movie is gay, it is so fucking gay and everyone knew what they were doing. Good Shit.

Michael (1924) dir. Carl Theodor Dreyer

Michael as has been stated before on this blog is based off of the 1902 novel by Herman Bang. This film is a lot more explicet in the plot probably for the fact that this film wasn't mostly lost. Theres more drama with the characters and overall its basically about a guy whose boyfriend/little starts getting bamboozled by this scammer and ruins his life because of it. Its in a weirdly weird way Its about toxic queer love but like in a way thats not problematic. Which is nice.

What I mean by that is that in modern queer storys tend to have a lot of gay trauma, its a lot of repression and homophobia and people being called faggots and dying of aids.

(you get what I'm getting at)

However in this film its more that these gay people just have like a toxic relationship that has fuck all to do with being gay. Its straight people nonsense but for people who are not straight. Which is honestly kinda refreshing.

[stfudiscoinfernoed]

How can you be nonbinary and nondysphoric? How did you discover that you were nb? How does being nondysphoric affect you as a nb person and helps you/hinders you at navigating your identity? As a dysphoric bigender person that won't pursue surgery for various personal and economic reasons, I think your outlook and experience, if you can to share them, could help me a lot in seeing things a different way. Feel free to ignore tho.

How I figured out I was nonbinary genuinely kind of funny. Basically, a nonbinary friend of a friend thought that I was also nonbinary and I was too embarrassed to correct them. This led to me reflecting on my own gender, experimenting with it (which included a lot of researching other people’s experiences, drawing myself if I transitioned, and modeling myself in games), and coming to the conclusion that I was actually really nonbinary. 

For me, being nondsyphoric means that I didn’t have to choose this. I probably could have lived my life as a cis person and been decently happy and fulfilled. It probably would have been the easier path to take but instead I explored and cultivated my identity as a nonbinary person.

Describing myself as nondsyphoric also means that I am rejecting the notion that distress in response to transphobia or invalidation is dsyphoria. If I put effort into passing a certain way and I don’t get the reception I was looking for, of course I’m going to be upset. If I am surrounded by people who refuse to use the pronouns or name I asked them to use or even surrounded by people I wouldn’t feel comfortable making that ask, it’s reasonable to be distressed. While dsyphoria is a very real experience for many, we also need to stop pathologizing the natural and normal distress that can be a part of identity development and identity communication.

If I had to say there was anything that has hindered my identity development is guilt for wanting and pursuing biomedical transition despite not “needing to.” Logically, I know utilizing resources helps keep them open and available to others because it proves a need is there, but sometimes I see other trans people struggling and I feel bad that I haven’t struggled enough.

[nzenzhcrying]

It’s been a while

I will be writing more stories of course but I haven’t posted on here because of general mental health issues and depression.

If you are the single Freind who follows me the You would know what I mean but I am going to go into detail so if you want to read you can

I’ve never felt like I’ve had true freinds, I had someone who I’d considered a Freind but two weeks ago they stopped talking to me. The one over person I talk to I have never met in person.

There is one person Ik irl who follows this account it I wouldn’t say they are a close friend I’m not sure though.

I’ve been finding it really difficult to cope with my mental health, gender dsyphoria and parts of my past (sh). I have been trying to get better but it is generally very difficult when you have a lack of people to talk to.

Now this lack of people comes form the fact I grew up to just be myself and not fit in, which I never have fit in and have tried to be myself. But even doing that has never felt helpful as now I’ve come to the point where I’m post 4 years of sh, crippling anxeity, 13 yrs or sever anger issues, insomnia and extremely bad mental health. I do not feel right.

Do I want to die. No not really anymore not as much as I used to but it is still there. Am I still going to do the things I love? Yes ofc.

If my Freind does see this you may or may not understand my current situation but do not worry I’m not going anywhere.

If you are feeling down like me well honestly I have no clue how I managed to stay alive, probably because I’m an obsessive insane little stalker who obsessed over someone only for them to ruin my mental health again.

But now I’m here. And I will be trying to post and sorry if this is a long post with a lot of sad feelings I just wanted to get it out.

[acids-and-basses]

Why I probably wouldn’t stream:

Trigger warning

I have bad issues hearing my own voice

Over the past year I’ve developed facial dsyphoria (I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror, this is also why I’ve stopped cosplaying besides a falling out with pervious friends where I lost all of my wigs and costumes)

I stutter a lot; with forgetting words, possibly dyslexia, amonst other things

Some of this maybe from my gender dysphoria but also my low self esteem that my previous friends made worse over the past year to the point I almost gave up all together multiple times due to their actions

[eve-nightengale]

I feel bad because I've definitely been super withdrawn socially because I just... am having a hard time rn and have been for a little while and just I'm trying to pour from an empty cup to often. I love my friends AMD I miss them and I'm sorry that I'm just not around as much right now but also this is not immediately resolving so please bear with me

[viridescent-lament]

being fuck deep in transgebder despair over knowing your family will always see you as a girl, unable to escape due to vacatiob, having to kisten as they specultae that caitlyn jennssf became trans becsuse hollywood envourages ’extreme things’ as birmal and comparing it to the other karsasashians making their booteiss absurdalu latge becaus rthats what they think is normal now, knwiing you cant speak up

vs.

all of us kids being given a hairpin with our first intual anne boleyn style, and your initial havibg an a like your choseb name instead of an e for your dead name 💕💖💞

[fallingupdownsideways]

dysphoria is setting me on Fire

[erythristicbones]

why does having to suffer through my period make feel not human anymore. i always feel like im trapped in a body that isn't mine and im simultaneously floating approximately 2 inches to the right of my body at all times

[sunbedo]

My parents are sending me to girl scout camp. But jokes on them, I'm not girl, and I also like girls!!