#doing something and dont quite fully remember how they got there but im sure thats normal elder god behaviour ^-^ (not completely)

[mofsblog]

Intermezzo save me intermezzo kaynes DID also save me

REAL!! Never forgetting our quest to find that one fucking line. Anyways shoutout to kayne, gotta be my favourite blorbo with a dissociative disorder

[charubblogs]

interview log.

reda--skzzzz-t

Abagail Thomas: So...What was your mother like?

Kratanor: I dont entirely know, as i've stated in prior discussions, We charubs never met our birth parents, they merely send us tumbling through space!

AT: You mentioned a Step mother, Your brother also mentions a hag in a way that leads me to assume they were a caretaker.

CF: oh...

AT: Is this an uncomfortable topic for you?

CF: oh! no no, i can answer it! you've been astoundingly kind to me over the months, i think it would be fair to divulge.

CF: My step mother was a alien, something known as a troll within the greater intergalactic community.

CF: These are vary cruel aliens. fascist, colonizing, genocidal. they have space bound armadas that slowly inch across space, either takeing planets by force or slowly ripping their societies apart from the inside until they beg for a ruler as horrid.

AT: They sound Deeply unpleasant.

CF: As far as i'm aware, they truly were. my mother escaped from that planet and lived on a moon, not this moon, a moon much further away, I wouldn't be able to point to it on a star chart.

CF: But we lived in the ruins of a large civilization, known as the capracians. thats where out egg landed and thats where she decided to keep us. setting us up in rooms on the planets, allowing us access to technology and human media.

AT: How did she gain access to earth internet from that far away...?

CF: Im not entirely sure unfortunately, she always had a knack for getting her hands on things she really shouldn't've have been able to.

CF: Regardless, for most of my life, i had known her to be reserved and rather mild mannered. she had a few rules, we were not to leave the town that held the towers, we were to not talk to the other half, and if she asked us of something, we were to do it.

AT: And im assumeing you broke those rules...?

CF: Well in my meager defense, I wasn't the first to do so. Kratamis broke it first by slipping me a note through our sylladex, I cant remember what he wanted or what it said but it got us to speak for the first time.

CF: regardless we became bored. we explored everything within the city rather quickly, mapping it out, the act of that gave me an inclination that I could perhaps be an archeologist of sort! i mean, i was already digging out old capracian albums and such from rubble and abandoned store fronts so i was already doing well enough.

AT: oh so this was a full city? not a outpost?

CF: From what I can tell, capracians were vary advanced, it seemed like they really didn't need that much in terms of atmosphere either so i'm sure living on a moon was only natural. Shall I continue?

AT: Yes, Please.

CF: my brother soon became bored of staying within the bounds outlined by our mother, we decided mutually to break the rule and go out to explore.

AT: Did your mother not catch you doing this or...?

CF: She would only appear occasionally, either to bring supplies or drop off new technology for us to integrate into our rooms. I've managed to create a chart that shows when she will show up and when she will be away, allowing us days to weeks fully explore our planet.

CF: we would travel quite far out! my brother had a knack for finding bones, my specialty was the various odds and ends left in the dirt. we would leave our findings in various hidden outposts.

AT: and I assume she found out...

CF: I've realized now that she did find out but at the time...well the last time we went out of the city, when I woke up to start my explorations, I found them destroyed, utterly, completely, with nothing but the bones left behind. I placed the blame on my brother. I ceased talking to him, I refused to leave my tower.

CF: our mother started to come by more often, her visits went from once every few weeks to every few months. she told me that we were nearly ready, that it was time for... Something, I never actully learned what it was.

CF: but I started to notice... Wounds on me. Bruises,

AT: oh...

CF: I thought it was just my brother being reckless, but they started to become to harsh to consider something self afflicted. I thought for the longest time that it was just mother defending herself.

CF: Then I woke up with my arm broken.

CF: I wasn't sure how it happened but i got scared. I lied to mother and asked her for something stronger for my room, a stronger computer, a better monitor, that I would need it for what she needed. i found an old capracian space vassal, I got it working, i worked none stop for what felt like days until I could get it to fly off that rock, I took only the essentials.

CF: we were nearly gone, we had nearly flown far enough to safely hit light speed but i...I turned around and she was...

Interview paused, Subject displayed elevated stress levels and could not continue description of events, will conclude at later time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abagail Thomas is now available for Anonymous asks~!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi again, its the same anon from this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors/724050014752686080/hello-im-not-sure-what-im-looking-for-i-would?source=share

im in a bad space again and i dont really have anyone i can talk to, so while i still feel a bit guilty for dumping my problems on here, i figured it would be okay since you dont have any obligations to me.

thank you in advance, i really appreciated the response to my last ask.

trigger/content warnings: general depressive thoughts, gender dysphoria

first of all, sorry if this ask is all over the place. if im being honest, im not entirely sure about anything really. like what it is that i want, what im thinking and trying to say, what i feel even. i guess it makes sense though, because the past year or two - and even moreso the past several months - have been just overall confusing and overwhelming for me. im not sure about my place in the world anymore. not that i ever really was, i guess, but back then i at least had goals or some thoughts and ideas about what i wanted to do in life. now though, i dont have anything. i dropped out of school and quit my job. i lost most of my friends and i cant find it in me to talk to the ones i still sort of have. for a month or two i even convinced myself i was a lesbian because in some ways it was way easier than being a gay trans man, which is what ive gone back to identifying as. im not even sure why i tried to tell myself i was a lesbian and not a man, because even when i was telling people i was, it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. i felt dysphoric even worse than before and i still do.

while my gender dysphoria is still a really big struggle, i feel like the other things are more pressing. im not even sure how to describe it. its every symptom of depression down to the t but it feels different to me somehow? the past several months feel like theyve gone by so fast and i feel like ive missed so much. like ive missed the chance to make my life worth it. i know it sounds stupid because the teenage years arent even half of most people's lives but im almost 18 now and i feel like ive ruined my chances at ever being happy, of ever being worth something. i truly dont see myself ever doing something worth while and im so mad at myself for throwing my life away. i wish so bad that i could go back to high school and just tough it out. i wish even more that i couldve just been born a boy, somehow i think everything wouldve been better. i lose so much sleep over it. i feel like im grieving for a life i couldve lived. i never even got the chance to grow up as a boy and it makes me feel like nothing else is worth it.

theres so much more thats eating away at me but i feel bad for having already said so much. again im not really sure what im looking for, i guess just comfort? some kind of reminder to give me a little hope.

- maverick (signing my name because ill probably come back to vent again)

Hi maverick,

I'm sorry to hear about how things have been for you recently. It's clear from your message that you've been going through a lot, including struggles with your gender identity, depression, and a sense of lost time and opportunities. It's important to remember that you're not alone in these feelings, and many people go through periods of uncertainty in their lives. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed at times. The journey of self-discovery and understanding one's identity and place in the world can be incredibly complex and challenging.

It's important to remember that your gender identity is a deeply personal aspect of who you are, and it's entirely valid. It's not uncommon for individuals to question and explore their gender identity before finding what feels most authentic to them. It's a process, and it's okay if it takes time to fully understand and accept.

It's easy to feel hopeless at your age, but it's important to recognize that you still have the capacity to create a meaningful and fulfilling life ahead. Life is a nonlinear journey, and it's never too late to pursue your goals and find happiness. Also please know that it's natural to grieve the childhood you never got to have as a trans person, and this can be especially common in experiencing gender dysphoria. But it may be helpful to instead focus on your ability to live the life you want to live in the present.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you navigate depression, gender dysphoria and other challenges you're facing. Please know that seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional can be an important step in finding comfort and hope during difficult times. You don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about your well-being.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[namuneulbo]

week sixty-four

this week. woah. it was......... a lot.

well, to start off... i have a crush on v. i figured this out on monday and since then its gotten so severe lol. monday to friday was spent thinking ab him and also apparently not hiding it very well from l. ill come back to this later but this entire chapter will for sure be ab him and also in sm detail.

ive kind of talked a lot ab him and just my “new friends” in general a lot w l and my mom. i think my mom even has suspicions that i like either d or v (bc i talk ab them the most prob).

i started spamming n, s and t and also i, m and t ab him. i wont be able to cover what i told them all individually but n def received the most detailed info yet only one pic (WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY EMBARRASSING ONE I TOOK ON BEREAL WHEN IT CUT EVERYONE OUT AND THEIR POSES SO IT WAS JUST HIM NOT POSING AAAAA I FEEL LIKE A MOM WHO TAKES PICS OF HER KIDS WO CONSENT TT). i talked A LOT w s ab him too and w t i just spammed quickly on monday/tuesday i think, i cant bother checking. when i told i, m and t they immediately asked for a pic and i was scared theyd bully me lol but they said hes solid WOO! s approved of him too, saying the nail polish and his guitar made him seem very much like my type.

ill give u all who might be reading this a lil description of his pros. i would say a reminder to future me as well but yk maybe we end up together so :* heres what weve got so far:

- hes taller than me.

- has a niiiiiice voice.

- nice sense of style. its like basic as in plain colors (pretty much only black, hell wear white sweaters or super dark colors). it looks so good.

- hes a metalhead (+ we have two bands in common, ghost and polyphia).

- piercingssss!

- hes so talented, like he can play guitar, drums AND piano flawlessly.

- hes funny.

now to his cons: he’s not fully single. so. um. idk if theyre dating or in a situationship or just talking but its something for sureeee.

i dont ever want to like, break them up on purpose or like make moves on him while theyre talking bc im not a fucking douchebag. it is quite sad seeing them together though. i cant help but dislike the girl hes w a bit even though i dont want to, shes really cool and gorgeous and nice im just so O_o

on wednesday we had band class and i was MESMERIZED. he had a concert that same day so he was dressed up in a navy button-up, black jeans cuffed over a black pair of chelsea boots. i had to leave a couple times during practice bc i had to practice harmonies w the singers and i remember literally feeling sad ab not being able to stare at him playing the piano so perfectly.

in the evening i went out to the bar for the weekly music quiz they do. i went w a, c and v at first but later on d and p joined (not dan and phil sadly). i was super awkward lol but it was my first time hanging out w just them and it felt so,,,, new to me. im glad i did it though, ig? i got to see him even if it was awkward. also, i think d has my old backpack that i left to a thrift shop. its a floral pattern w black faux leather details and gold buttons. its quite cute and it fits him really well.

i did eventually warm up a bit but nothing crazy.

i was already comfy around c but after wednesday, i was also comfy around d. he was so nice that i even questioned if i liked him as well but turns out i was probably really desperate TT i tend to never be interested in ANYONE when i like someone and thats really obvious now. even though my chances w v r low, i still deleted all my dating apps and stuff bc i dont have the desire to go on them as of rn.

on friday i had been CRAVING a party to go to all day. i was just waiting for someone to send a message saying “yo, party at vs place!”. we usually party at his place. i literally ranted to my mom ab how bad i was hoping for someone to throw a party and this wasnt even just bc of getting to see v but i was genuinely so socially starved. finally, around 19:30 id say, someone sends a message in the class gc telling everyone ab a party at his place. i immediately message l begging for them to come w me and even saying if they dont, ill go either way bc i want to go so bad. they end up declining and i go to the party myself. i get ready in a few minutes, just fixing my day-old makeup and eating and drinking water and stuff so i wont throw up the second i drink alcohol. i was so quick and i was walking w such speed around the house so i think my mom has probably started to connect the dots now that theres someone i like bc im never that excited ever. i leave along w my mom who took the dog out for a walk. since v lives so nearby she walked w me pretty much the entire way.

id never usually be this confident but i had been talking w s the entire day and she hyped me up SO much. i actually love her sm for that. i arrive there, v throws down his keys from the balcony, i catch them and go up to his apartment. i was a tad bit quiet in the beginning but i really tried to force myself to just relax and look cool and i did after a little while. we blasted metal and one of the first things they did was that everyone of them, c, d and v, went out for a smoke so i joined in even though i dont smoke but i enjoyed the lil passive smoking sesh on the tiny balcony, stuck behind d and v.

(bereal just went off, vs so cute).

anyways, i quite quickly felt more relaxed, i kinda forced myself to sit more,, relaxed and stop fidgeting and i got more included in the convo by queueing songs to play. i first asked v to queue kingslayer by bmth and babymetal and he was super excited ab it so i was so glad he liked it. we listened to it on a party a whileeee ago and i remember being so excited ab the fact that he liked that song too. a had arrived by now and hes v good to have there in that sense that he will make me join in the convo somehow if i havent talked in a while. he made me queue another song and i queued drowning lessons by mcr. i was so caught by surprise and i always get so shit at using tech shit and the internet in front of ppl, idk why, so v started guiding me on what buttons to press TT i hadnt thought of drowning lessons in the first place actually but i just kind of naturally went w mcr for some reason and then ended up choosing my fav song by them. we listened to it and v was like “DID HE JUST VOICE BREAK???” and i was like “oh, maybe? i mean its their first album so the mixing and recording might be a bit shit” and he replayed the part and was like “THERE IS A VOICE BREAK!” and c started explaining to him in distress that its just how u sing punk TT after a while v was like “its still going? how long is it?” and checked and it was right before the outro and i was like “waittt, we havent gotten to the best part yet!” and he leaves it and the breakdown comes and he does a stankface and just looks at me like “oh, a breakdown ending, hell yeah!” and i was so happy haha

last song i queue is taking you out by passcode. as i was typing it v read out what i was typing and kept guessing songs, heh, it was so cute. he asked me ab the band and stuff and then said like “oh, she growls really well for a woman” and the proceeds to elaborate in distress that he didnt mean it in a misogynistic women-cant-growl type of way but in a its-genuinely-harder-for-a-woman-to-do-metal-growls. it was quite cute, he tends to do that a lot, like overexplaining things so ppl dont think hes being a dickhead even though he says very normal things TT its so cute and it really shows that he cares.

i mentioned that i was ab to start learning growling w my vocal teacher and how she also said she wants to get the singer of finntroll to come and teach growling to me (WHICH IS SO COOL???). v was like “oh my god, im also ab to practice growling w my vocal teacher” and then when i told him ab the singer of finntroll thing he got so excited and just “what??? for real??? thats so cool???” and proceeds to be like “omg, when ur w him tell him uve got a friend who wants to have a lesson w him too” and c joins in and says the same. i felt so cool in that moment haha

me, c and d went out to go meet the ppl from school who had been touring all week. before we left i went to pee and literally on the toilet i was smiling sm bc i felt so comfy and happy and all that in that moment like, i was talking to him??? and he was talking back???? and he smiled???? he wanted to talk to me????? i did a lil happy jump sesh after i washed my hands. then otw to school, me, c and d were jumping around and running and yelling. them bc they were drunk, me bc i was so excited abt finally feeling comfy w them + obviously getting to talk to v successfully after crushing so hard on him the past week. i was so happy too bc i finally felt like i kind of belong. i felt for the first time true that like “oh my god, they dont hate me!”. so while meeting the ppl at school i was sooooo happy and like greeting everyone and just smiling and feeling so cool and included and aaaaaaa i was so happy i cant even explain it. c and d r the coolest ppl ever!!!

we went back w s + we left d behind for a bit, sorry d!! now this was when i was truly connecting the dots between s and v. partypooper. i did tag along to the bar w all of them afterwards though. i just went by my place to eat something and get my id.

i arrived to the bar and i sat down next to c at first but later moved next to d so i could sit on the couch. me and c went to buy drinks and then d left to go smoke. there was an awkward space between me and v so i tried to subtly move closer to him and later when d came back he just sat in the spot i sat earlier so i sat between him and v.

more ppl arrived and i ended up becoming squished between d and v. NOW THIS. this changed me as a whole human being. i have been terrified of men all my life and w not specific reason bc the thing is that its not rooted in like, being scared that theyll do something, i just genuinely get more tense around men than women. this moment was so, special to me and not just bc i was squished next to v and our arms and legs were in constant touch but like, i got this kind of realization that, maybe i dont need to be nervous. like, theres nothing to worry ab. i trust d and v. theyre really nice. d i was already comfy w since wednesday and v i just that evening got comfy w. although i am touch deprived i really just,,, felt so happy, safe and relaxed in a group if people, in the middle of two men. i didnt feel the need to fidget out of nervousness and stuff. i was just, calm.

v looks over at me and asks me how drunk im planning to get. he himself says he wants to be so drunk he throws up. i jokingly reply saying i dont want to throw up. he starts showing me a scale w his hands, going down from ten and giving each level its own name so like “this is throw up drunk, this is like this and this is that...” and i end up saying i wanna get slighty above drunk and hes just like “so like a six?” and i nod. he says something along the lines of “thats cool, thats solid”.

later a girl sits next to d and begins talking w her. he starts whispering w v over my lap and i just sit there laughing awkwardly, hoping someone would notice and laugh w me as well. they dont talk for too long but they do this again later and talk for like two minutes straight over my lap and i just use this time to admire vs back and his ear piercings. d apologises and i chuckle and tell him its fine and that i didnt mind (i really did not bc i am truly so touch-starved). d later tells me ab this girl and bc of the music he has to really be close to my ear and talk w me. we talk like that for a while and he says hes glad i understand his situation. long story short, this girl had apparently been trying to flirt w him even though he has a girlfriend. i think he handled the situation really well.

v once again looks over at me, this time as were both kind of resting against the booth, bodies facing each other. he just asked how i was feeling today but it felt so intimate and i was savoring the conversation and eye contact as much as i could. i told him that i was really craving social interaction today so i was really glad i could tag along w them. he acted a bit funnily so i asked him how drunk he was. he said he feels a bit sick. idk why but that convo was so :’) i am TREASURING it.

him and s decided to leave, making almost everyone else leave. i stayed for a bit w a and c and some other unknown ppl but decided to leave after a bit. while me, a and c went out when they went to smoke i saw a bunch of ppl from both elementary and middle school. d, l, n and t. i was kind of hoping one of them wouldve noticed me earlier while i was w v and all the others so they could be like “omg shes sitting next to two guys, i wonder if shes dating anyone of them” or like “omg she has such cool friends now”.

okay, thats all on friday. saturday however, i met up w l for a bit, i tell them ab my crush on v. i sit them down, hold their hands and keep eye contact.

“so on wednesday we had a conversation on tiktok and i talked ab how boy obsessed i am feeling these days, right?”

they continue looking at me, asking me if this is ab e. i dont tell them yet.

“so after i said that, u said ‘well as long as its not d or v bc ik theyre the only friends we have but i assure u there r better alternatives’”

they begin staring at me in shock and yell:

“l! not them, omg! which one is it- no, wait. let me guess... d?”

i look at them for a bit before replying: “its not d.”

“ITS V? L, NO U CANT!” and they kick me as im laughing so hard im falling of the bed.

“IT IS! i have a fucking crush on v!”

we talk ab this for a while and i tell them ab friday and all that and it was sm fun lol

after me and l ahd hung out i went out to a proper party held at school. like dancing-beer-pong-bar kind of party. i met d and some others outside of the enterance and say hi. i then go inside and immediately meet c and c. they bring me to the dance floor and shows me where all the drinks r and everything. i see v playing beer pong. i dont like dancing at all so i join for a bit but leave soon enough. i sit and talk w a for a while. when v sat down on the same couch i was in i told a who was sitting on the other side that she could sit down on the couch properly instead of just sitting on the armrest and so she did and my evil plan worked, i got to move even closer to v. after a while it was finally our turn to play beer pong, we played w just water though. it was my first time playing and i was in the same team as a. she was so good? we played again v and two others. it was so humilating to play against v but my team won thanks to a. she was really awesome. during our last cup, v tried distracting me by hovering his hands over the cup but it literallyt made me aim better bc i could look at his hands TT he only distracted me w his hands and never a.

i left after s arrived to the party bc i got so sad seeing her w v lol but i was overwhelmed by the party anyways lol

sotw: bring me the horizon - alligator blood

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

cw emotional/psychological abuse (im ok dw just. more reflecting)

ive been rereading my journal and got to the bit where im dissecting my exs callout post about me. looking back its kinda hilarious cus if you have the tiniest ounce of critical thinking skills, youll immediatley see that he contradicted himself several times in his own post and his ridiculous assertions just get better with age. heres some highlights

 calling himself a “kid” at 23 while slagging me off voraciously for stuff that i did at 22 and 23, 4+ years before this callout post and some of it before he even met me

 making a huge deal about a 19 & 23 (up to 23 & 27) age gap like its pedophilia lol

 accusing me of ableism in literally the same sentence as dunking on me for my autism symptoms, then doing it again several times more in the next paragraph, like blatant ableism in the same breath as accusing me of ableism, sure thing hon

 misrepresenting events where he deliberately provoked me, leaving out important information and saying I was “playing the victim” cus i told people that the two (2!!) incidents of alleged “abuse” were in direct response to some particularly nasty shit hed been throwing at me

 accusing me of making him homeless when i literally saved him from homelessness several times

 accusing me of manipulating him to be polyamorous when he was literally dating someone else when we got together lmao (as was I & we were all fully aware, just like in a regular consensual polyamorous situation) (iirc he also had a side fuck that his partner didnt know about so really doing great monogamy there, being manipulated into evil polyamory by evil me)

 accusing me of cheating when i told them i was dating someone, who they fully well knew i was getting close to and wanting to date, who they told me was okay if I wanted to date them. they forced me to break up with that person and apologise over months, agreeing at one point that it wasn’t actually cheating, but then conveniently it was cheating again whenever he needed something to hold against me

anyway ive still not fully recovered from being used up quite thoroughly and emotionally abused and gaslit and accused of the worst kinds of things because after years of torment I snapped a couple times. I still find it in my mind sometimes to miss him and wanna reach out and then I remember how it felt to be with him and then how it felt to *not* be with him and how it felt to be punished for not being with him, and then to be punished just for existing, i guess. being accused of punishing him when i was having emotional reactions or tried to distance myself cus being around him made me want to kermit. funny how thats his choice of words as well and how being with him changed me fundamentally and i am still very much working on undoing the damage, i suspect it will take a long while. meanwhile hes prancing around in la and probably has forgtten completely that i even exist. which is wild considering he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me for so fucking long. its my fault also because i let him, but i was young and stupid, (in his words) just a kid at 23.

he put all responsibility for his happiness and wellbeing entirely on me - and I let him; when you put it like that, it’s absolutely no wonder it blew up completely in our faces. And as the older one and the supposedly more experienced one, I guess it would have been on me to not let him put all that on me. I didn’t know much at the time though, pretty sure I didn’t even know what boundaries were (much less how to set, communicate and enforce them). But also I was interested in him and wanted to get closer and I think even then I knew that if I failed to give him whatever tf he wanted, he would just leave and probably call me toxic. Idk why it ever seemed like a good idea to get close to him. I just dont know anymore but I guess I did learn a lot from that relationship. Including not to let people like that get that fucking close to me again.

[ninjasmudge]

yanno what im gon take a bite. how does wbs deal with the after effects of the whole BK debacle? u did mention he is quite capable of gettin the trauma ouchies here, so does she cope in any kind of way or just kinda.... tries to ignore the whole thing even tho her very own headpiece has the potential to trigger her 👁

THIS TURNED OUT REAL LONG SORRY I JUST THINK SHES INTERESTING but, i imagine the whole situation was EXTREMELY jarring because shes used to being the one possessing others- depending on how you think her possession works, its possible she can even hear bits of what her hosts thinking/ feeling while they cant control their bodies and she must have heard the same bits of the same panic from these hosts over and over until she just tunes it out.

now though, having been on the receiving end of not having contol of your body, watching it do terrible things and end everything you care about (whether thats hurting family or ruining destiny) i would think it would definitely give her pause.

it might even be, you know, difficult for her to make herself possess another host after that. i feel like it would be okay until she feels that same helpless fear in her (her hosts) head and then all of a sudden, shes back, remembering what it was like being BK and her control on the host slips. all of a sudden its not this new hosts panic, its her own panic and she might even boot herself out of the hosts head because the feeling is so wrong and so familiar

we dont have nearly as many clues about her emotional state/ relationships with others/ history as we do for, say, swk. but when she first got released im not sure she had much of a choice on wether to possess dbk or not considering he absorbed her power, which is probably a big part of why he went off the rails so fast

my personal thoughts on her situation was that since the actual coffin part of the crypt she was in had been broken open from the inside she was clearly awake in there, and i think shed been collecting enough power to contact the mayor and get the key. so like, looking at this as her last traumatic event and how she delt with that, i imagine her plan is to start up with her destiny schemes again. distract herself and throw herself into figuring out the next steps, except that thats going to be VERY hard to do now, since shes just watched the bone king undo everything

and this part also probably threw her off in a major way because this wasnt in the cards, this wasnt destiny, or it certainly wasn't the destiny she thought.

(also probably maddeningly frustrating because from the very start her plan was to fully posses swk, and shes left wondering wether the creation of the bone king was a magical fluke or if her whole plan hinged on something that was never possible to start with)

[sailorhyunjinz]

HI BESTIE IMY HEBSBRBS AHH I’ve been so busy ... also recently got super sick and I’ve not been well at all ,, it’s just the flu / a stomach bug tho ! :,) hru ???

Your latest reaction was so good ,, thoughts r being thunk ?? Thinking about skz reaction to you rubbing / jerking their dicks just whenever you’re bored .. and you don’t even really notice that they’re getting off ahah IDK IT JUST SEEMS TO HOT ??

Once they cum or wtv you’re like ;) hsshbrbs

I have a dick but honestly it’s never bothered me reading ur shit directed towards a female reader ? For some reason I really like it bye 😭🤚

-🚬

BABYBOOOY WHY HAVE YOU BEEN SICK?!?! :((( Hope you’re feeling better now, i should give u some of my healing medicin aka my kisses :(( <33 

Also that last bit AAh thank u T-T i try to be more inclusive but like AAAGH im always so scared that i’ll mess something up from my lack of ~ knowledge ~ BUT I REALLY TRY MY BEST >< so thank uuu for having patience for my dumb ass

ANYWAYS SPEED REACTION LEGO 

warnings: skz x gn!reader. handjobs, blowjobs, cum, orgasm (m), cum eating, slight overstimulation

Bangchan

“w-what the fuck” 

yeah thats his only reaction when you suddenly stick your hand down his pants, wrapping your hand around his dick and slowly stroking it while big spooning him

you werent trying to get him off... more like... you wanted something to play with while watching the movie

boy would be ~ flustered ~ 

he’d find it interesting

why would you jerk him off if you didn’t want him to cum yk?

like that type of thoughs

but of course you can’t expect him to not react LMAO

you were fully immersed in the movie because it started to get interesting now and you didn’t notice how you started jerking him off faster. 

until...

you felt something warm and wet hit your hand paired with his dick twitching

you looked at him and saw that poor boy was biting his bottom lip so hard trying to not disturb you with his moans

“did you cum?” you say, lifiting up his pants to which he yelped and put his hands over yours right at his crotch. “n-no”

Minho

be bold with this man 

pull his pants down when he’s just chilling ASHASHA oh god

he doesn’t think it fair 

eventhough he does the exact same to you

when he does it to you it more like he simply wants to feel you all over, not intending for you to get turned on

but make one moan and this mf thinks it a game

“how many times can i get y/n to moan”

NO OK BUT RETURNING TO YOU -> HIM

it would take sum time to get him to cum

he doesnt strike me as the sensitive type and so you could jerk him for quite a while which hey more fun for you

but ooone faithful day he was more turned on than usual leading to him cumming quicker than he usually does during one of those times where you played with his dick

stroking it, running your thumb across the tip, licking it .. you name it...

you smirk when he accidentally cums on your lips and you lick it off and he just starts complaining (yk when jisung bit his fingernail in that two kids room episode, yeah that tone)

“y-you can’t just do that!!” you start chuckling “what? mad that you came like a bitch?” 

nex thing you know you’re pinned against a wall OOP sorry

Changbin

he lives for this BUT only if you give him attention

which you dont because you’re simply bored and dont want to get him off, more like... liking the feeling of having him in your hand lmao

“can you at least look at me?” you shake your head, holding his semi-erect dick in your hand “shh,,, im watching something!” 

that would be the everyday conversation ahsahsha

I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD GO FOR A WHILE??!

he’d be relativly quiet as well so you wouldnt notice until he actually cums and you’re like “...wtf why is my hand sticky”

BRUH U START APOLOGIZING HASHAS HE JUST GLARES AT YOU FOR NOT GIVING YOU ANY ATTENTION

but he came anyways so..

you try to escape the situation but he’s not having it

“nah you’re not escaping now, finish what you started baby”

Hyunjin

another boy thats lives for this 

why? because a) its a handjob b) he likes the thrill of not knowing when you’re bored c) because you forget what you’re doing and he likes seeing you surprised when he cums ASHAHS god bury me 

would purposefully make you bored 

“the wifi is down y/n,, guess we having nothing to do...w-wanna give me a handjob”

you shrug, “alright” 

you’re completely lost in though, wondering when the wifi will return or what you guys should eat for dinner

suddenly he cums,,, a lot,,,

you laugh at him and he’s kind of blushing with his hair covering parts of his face. 

“i-i’m pretty sure the wifi will be down for a while” ;))

Jisung

FUCK YES LETS GO

he would already just be naked infront of you at random times

like,,, whats the point in putting on clothes after the shower if he knows that you are going to sneak up on him and jerk him off yk?

but what this boy didn’t know was how you didn’t notice most of the time

your hand just having a mind of it’s own...

but you’d notice pretty quick 

since this boy LOUD YALL 

whiny mf 

“shush!” you say, scrolling on your phone with one hand and jerking him off with the other.

you didnt intend on making him cum,,, just giving him a massage ASKKASJSKSA

he’d act all like “ppfft... you can’t make me cum from just that-”

and then shuts up because “h-hey... this feels too g-good”

not thinking he’d cum this quick you started talking to him but were quickly cut off from him letting out a long moan

“f-fuck,, y/n..h-haa,,,”

after he cums you’re like “heading to bed”

but he pulls you back, grabbing your wrist and looking at you with big doe eyes

“c-could we keep going?” 

Felix

boy would be walking around, holding his crotch because he never knows when you attack

because he belong to the more... sensitive bunch of boys... HE DOESNT LIKE IT TOO MUCH

mostly because he’d cum too fast and it would leave him embarrassed (awh poor boy:(( ) 

thats legit the only reason LMAO

noo poor boy wants to appear all tough for you even though you’ve told him over 100 times that he doesn’t have to be, you love him for who he is yk? <33

BUT NOPE stubborn baby sets bets with you

“ok this time i won’t cum that quickly... last time was a practice round”

ASHAHSH WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY JESUS

4 minutes later... YEAH YOU GUESSED IT

and you didnt even notice?!?!

you just thought that those sounds were him in like pain ASHShHAS

because you were to preoccupied thinking watching tv

needless to say,,, he was pouty,, for a while

until you attacked again LMAO

Seungmin

ok gimmie a second,,,, i need to think 

alright... he likes it BUT he’s shy

you need to give the puppy some time to warm up 

do it too fast and he gets scared AHSHASH

so ok lets say that the both of you are doing,, nothing

and you just slowly feel him up and it eventually leads to you jerking him off

you’re not even aware of how good he’s feeling with your hand around his cock

“y-y/n can you stop?” 

“stop what- oh”

looking down you notice that he already came, his cum coating the tip and your hand with white thick ropes

NOT THAT HE CAME FAST JUST THAT HE SUFFERED WITH THE SLIGHT OVERSTIMULATION ON HIS OWN

goddamn... seungmin is always so difficult to write for ONLY ME?!?!?

seungmin stans are already knocking on my door SORRY IM TRYING

Jeongin

BLUSHY BOY

I REPEAT; BLUSHY BOY

“w-what are you doing y/n~?” he says while your hand travels down the side of his body while the two of you were chilling in bed. “im bored” you huff out, looking him in those big brown eyes. “we can play videogames!” he says trying to make you get your hand out of his pants but you shake your head. “i wanna play with you instead” 

boy would melt

painfully shy (and hard)

because you it all happened so fast??

the two of you were chilling, everything quiet and peaceful and before he knows it you’re jerking him off vigorously

he covers his face with his hands, occasionally sneaking a glance of your pretty face from inbetween his fingers as you give him a handjob

you’d be too focused watching his face as almost falling asleep not noticing the boy squirming around 

until you hear

“h-hghnn...”

thats his cumming sounds btw HAHSHAH IF I WASNT CLEAR ENOUGH

jesus i cant write reactions for shit BUT THEY SEEM TO BE REALLY APPRECIATED SO YEAH!

I have 2 more of these coming up oh and also remember that this is legit word vomit SO ITS NOT PROOF READ AND UHM... i’ll try to do the two other ones this week heheh ^^

[s0lar-ch3ri]

SO MATPAT IS COVERING ROBLOX GAMES

i never thought mat pat would do roblox theories but since he did ima do my own theory before i watch the vid (spoilers for the game ig?)

right so yall remember the tube where it says they were made? yeah, thats basically a big part of the theory, but as well as something else.

yes i went onto fucking youtube and looked this video up. its from the intro scene, but theres an odd part in it.

there is a motherfucking bio hazard sign right there. id have to say this and tube are probably highly correlated. and ill tie it in with the crash as well, dont worry, but let me start from the beginning of the story/the earliest part of lore i got theories for, and i'll do evidence for each part as i go. first off, the school bus driver. that man had to either work with red or be heavily affected by the chemicals to drive that way. its obvious by the lobby area looking like a school, the words "Going on a field trip...", and the school bus that we're school students on a field trip (weird how its at night but i wont talk about that) to oddworld, a theme park. (image below for what we see of oddworld)

its quite obviously that way and even if the sign changed the driver should have a gps to show where. not to mention the big ferris wheel should light the way to go and biohazard sign should light where to not. yet the driver still fucking turns the other way. its hard to believe the chemicals would be able to affect them up there (if im wrong do correct me idfk how chemicals work really) so the only logical answer was this character worked with red. either the driver purposefully crashed or they breathed in chemicals and shit happened. either way, they crashed the end. just kidding, lets get into my next intro theory! oddworld is owned by the same company that made the rainbow friends. they look a lot like mascots of a theme park, plus no theme park would willingly build by biohazards unless wanting to do some crazy experiment which requires luring kids out to kidnap them for tests, right? (yep, this another theory) not to mention, it ties in with the driver working for red idea. if they used the theme park as a codework, itd be less sussy (im sorry) if they were caught and searched. now, lets move onto the actual gameplay for theories!

(credits to @arcadianxanadus for placing themselfs there for this image as my stupid ass died to fucking green) the chemicals did shit to the rainbow friends for sure, and by the image shows, the company was knowingly keeping them inside the building. not to mention, these bitches are fucking color coded. do note this: theyre kept in the same room as all the items needed to be collected. im mainly concerned how they fucking eat here and the chemicals are still there. another thing to note, everyone but purple has 2 chemical containers. purple only has one. oh, and dont forget, PURPLE IS THE ONLY ONE WE NEVER SEE FULLY. is it possible that hes had so many chemical shit hes too horrified to let himself be seen fully, implying these bitches have sentience for their existence and have a brain that can worry what others think of him? yep, bingo. will i get into purple more? for sure, but lets back track tooooo...

TUBE! (most to all images will be taken because of my trooper arcadian) its quite obvious this tube did experiment shit with the rainbow friends. the machine seems to have rusted from being fucking old (l bozo /j) and thus probably wouldn't even work now. the chemical containers i believe powered this thing but when something went wrong, they stopped. so what could have gone wrong? i have two guesses. purple, or red. purple is the most advanced of the ones found during game play, actually following the closest player and hiding in vents to catch you, however he seems to also be the most wild (get more into him later). red, however, is most intelligent of the rainbow friends seemingly, since he can actually function technology, set up a sleeping quarters, plan out events, identify objects, speak english, and other things. but enough on red and purple, lets say good bye to the tube! finally, we start with characters (no more images because 1. its been days since i started this post, 2. i dont have the energy to actually live in rainbow friends to take ss for this kinda stupid post thing, and 3. i wanna get into the vid soon so yeah)! lets get into blue. so what i believe happened to all the rainbow friends is either they were puppets turned alive or humans turned to monsters, so ill go with the human one. i have looked way too much into bot patterns so deal with it. blue commonly hangs out around wider areas and ive seen goes into the theater a lot, more than the other bots im sure. he also enters some of the locations (if not all locations) of the blocks we look for on night 1. ive seen him stop while walking out of nowhere then turn around multiple times so theres also that. i feel blue was a small child before who was the main star of the show (i mean hes got the crown and stuff so id assume) that got lured into the tube and blah blah. itd explain why hed walk around in the theater the most (to me at least). it would also make sense to not suspecting the boxes, people on a set would have boxes filled with items like props or costumes or whatever.

next up: green! this celery stick is blind and has a pattern of mainly sticking to hallways, but will once of twice enter the theater only to block a door. like blue (i forgot to mention this in blues part but oh well), green can start below and climb the ladder (image above). i believe green could have possibly been a worker at the place who was tricked into going inside the tube. it'd make sense as to why a box would be unusual for him to find, he knows a box wouldnt be there originally.

next rainbow friend on the list is orange. orange has a visible pattern but is the only one who you can make not hunt you by feeding him food. i believe orange was a dog before being orange, seeing how hes fed something that looks like dog food and has a den like wolves would. FINALLY WE GET INTO HIM!!! PURPLE, THE VENT GOBLIN!!! i only found his pattern through how my friend got in a server alone. purple doesnt have a certain area he goes, but he does go to the closest player. hes also the only one that we never see fully. what he actually is can confuse me. that means i sadly cant fully say what he could be without an idea of what more than his arms and eyes and mouth look like. however, there is something i want to go back to (which obvi connects to purple). remember tube? theres writing on the walls talking about where "they" (the rainbow friends) were made and a picture of the tube. this couldnt have been there originally, so someone had to have written it. i suspect purple, and heres why. blues design is like a marshmellow (all images below). green's fingers wouldnt work for holding chalk, plus hes blind. orange seems to wild to be able to write words that neat, and again his hands are pinchers. purple has four fingers which could grip, and seems like he could write similar to that. not to mention its next to a vent. its also a bit ironic that purple isn't there (ik orange isnt there i was tryna be silly). also i know that there are images on google on what purple looks like normally, but i dont know for sure if those are right so for now i wont take a chance.

alright now we finish up (finally, ik) characters with red! red seems to have the most lore connected to him and the most intelligence as well. he can actually talk and kidnap children on field trips and see his surroundings (/hj). to me, it seems like a classic "testing on (insert thing) but something went wrong) type deal. i feel though, it went wrong twice. purple seems the closest to matching red's intelligence and red could have written the message as well, if he were helping us. before someone thinks he is, he literally kidnapped us. what i think of red? hes a scientist doing illegal tests on children without moral problems it seems. what the results are and why he needs them, there could be multiple reasons. now we move onto other details, starting with ourselves! we're obviously a school kid, but since im an overthinker, im getting an age range. the image(s) below is taken from this video. lets ignore the tall people and focus on black haired girl in the front (first image). now, i went ahead and got a picture of her in the other scene when the bus crashes just for another size reference. i picked her since she seems to be average height in game. with a google search, i found a roblox character is about '5"1 (or 154 cm). i went in and the joined the game so i could get a school reference (3rd and 4th pic is of school) and see what grade area it may be (elementary, middle, high school, or beyond). the school didnt provide much help, so i took focus on the playground. to me, it seems as though this is an elementary school, seeing how only an elementary would have a playground from what i know. i tried to look up a fifth grader's average height, which is 56 for a male and 57 for a female, the 57 equaling 4.75 feet. yeah, not gonna work. then i remembered before that some elementaries have 6th grade. i checked it out, around 5 foot. bingo! now onto age. the age range i found is 11-12 years old. yay, we know around how old the players are possibly! now, theres a big part here ive overlooked: its fucking nighttime. the only way for this to actually be a regular field trip at night would be if a;its a multi day trip or b;this is a boarding school. this couldnt be a multi day trip since thats only for camps and shit, not a fucking theme park. so boarding school? nope. assuming this takes place in the us, kids dont normally go to boarding school until 9th or 10th grade. plus, the building doesnt seem to be a boarding school. so whats happening? i suspect that this experiment process was a sort of deal with the school to borrow kids from an after school program id guess seeing how little the amount of kids there are and how ive seen no signs of searching for these missing kids. basically, kids getting experimented on. next theory!

this is gonna be the last im sure, but it has to do with each nights quests. night 1 is the blocks, night 2 is the food packets, night 3 is the batteries, and night 4 is the fuses. i feel theres symbolization in the quests so lets buckle into it (if ya get the reference, nice). the blocks i feel represent how blue acts like a baby whos still developing their brain. the food packets obvi are for orange and the batteries are supposed to mean our escape, the fuses coming after meaning not as well planned. however, they also could mean something else. both times we get something electrical, purple is out. not to mention, the fuse night/night 4 feels more like purples night while night 3/battery night seems to be more suited to orange as in an intro to him. the tube seems like it wouldnt use batteries if you look at its design. however, something like fuses would seem to work. what am i implying? purple broke the machine. yep, i came to a conclusion! i would go over details, but you can read through and peace together shit so i dont have to keep repeating myself over and over. and thats basically all the theories ive had on rainbow friends before watching mat pat! this has taken me a while and im tired but am whiling to write more on the theory thing! bye now!

[tiens-letters]

upon autumns day, where you and I met. upon autumns day where I remember all of what we were before youve passed. and upon autumns day would I have ever so slowly let go of that pain of the past

zhongli (angst)

@albeidoof its somewhere here hehehe

Time was a luxury. A treasure each and everything holds.

Yet time is a curse as well. It covets, devours and leaves. which humanity neglects to cherish until the heart ceases its steady rythmn, only then do they regret of the wasted minutes, hours and seconds.

Beneath the flow of the rushing waves of things that have come and gone. Only on this particular day would he sit beneath a certain tree. The rough bark brushing up against his back as leaves fell effortlessly to the ground, as if it were ready to let go of from the branches that gave birth to it, only to return once again to the waiting soil.

It was a sunny afternoon, clear of any clouds and only clear unblemished blue, a good time to enjoy a warm cup of tea yet there was no energy in his bones to even move from where he was.

He felt exhausted. Desultory even.

Gone were the halcyon days of the past, and now the present time of the vivid reality he had to face.

Morax, rex lapis, the geo archon. Names that weighted more than one could carry, memories that shackled his soul that lived for a thousand years on end, all but a stain that could never be washed away.

The breeze slowly danced in, playing with his hair softly, kissing his skin and welcoming him. It carried a hint of aromatic essence only he would know belongs to.

You.

He tried to desperately recount the days after youve left the face of the earth and yet he could not remember or did his mind not allow him to as if he did, it would bring him terrible and heavy consequences for an answer, one sane mind would never want to know.

Sighing, he sat back and recalled back the memories of you instead. When you were alive, warm and breathing in his arms. He remembers the way your eyes would shine brightly whenever he would be around, or the small sound of delight you would make when you have finished another one of the many interesting blends of tea youve done over the course of a week of mixing different flowers and tea leaves. Youve made up quite the fortune with this as your little hobby bloomed into a fully run business known across teyvat.

"Zhongli." he froze, youve never called him by his name ever since youve started getting close, it made him feal uneasy as he turned to look at you who stood by the doorway, a neutral look on your face.

"y-yes?" nervousness clawed at him as he racked his brain to what he couldve done for you to call his name like that, he couldnt think of any.

"I came back from the market and I heard youve made quite the generous payment. Why is that, I wonder?" he's done it again, that spending habit of his

"The price was reasonable for such a fine ceramic tea set, I dont seem to find why it shouldnt reflect its quality?" you sighed as you pointed towards the glass cupboard behind him

"You bought the same exact set a week ago, Zhongli. Thats why." having to realize his mistake after looking over the two identical set that on the shelf, he turned to apologize but only to see you missing from the doorway. Footsteps can be heard from the floorboards above him. You were upset.

After minutes of pacing in the living room, he finally mustered the courage to climb the stairs and enter your shared bedroom. A figure already under the sheets as the warm glow of the lamp illuminated your delicate features. The mattress sunk as he sat beside you, fingers brushing away the stray hair that fell on your face.

"Im still mad at you Zhongli." his hand flinched slightly at the way you called him

"I apologize. I seem to not have learned my lesson again. I would gladly return the set tomorrow."

"Its no use, they dont accept refunds." you replied without sparing a glance at him

"What can I do for you to forgive me then?"

"Just go to sleep, Zhongli." groaning you reached for the switch to shut the lamp off but a gentle grip stopped you, forcing you to look at his gloomy expression. Perhaps you went too far this time.

"Please stop calling me in that way. I dont like it." he whispers, drawing your palm to his lips, leaving small kisses upon it. He sure does know his way around your heart, no wonder why you could not stay mad at him.

"Just be mindful next time." you cursed yourself for being weak to his charms.

"I will." yet something was missing "Then can you call me as you did before?"

"Zhongli?" you could see the slight grimace in his face as you teased him

"Stop it." he kissed you without warning "Call me as you did before."

However, his lips didnt stop as they began to travel. From your cheeks to you forehead and then to your neck. Oh dear, he wasnt having any of your teasing.

"A-li." you giggled beneath him as he finally stopped and met your gaze

"Thats better."

He still remembers the faint smile that graced your lips whenever he would wake up next to you tangled in the same sheets. The softness of your skin on his calloused touch. Your lips melting his and your voice lulling his raging mind to peace.

Then everything changed when you drew blood that spilled from those lips he's kissed for a thousand times, painting a morbid image on the sheets. Anger and despair boiled inside of him once he learned of the secret youve kept. Zhongli was a calm and collected man all of the time except when he was with you.

Having to witness him at such a point felt as if his own spear was being driven right through his very chest. He held you in an arms width away, the panic and pain in his eyes increasing over the minute as he begged for you to explain why youve decided to lie about the flowers that bloomed in your lungs, the sickness youve inherited from your deceased mother, whose fate you soon would follow. You didnt want him to find out, not in this way.

He couldve done anything if he knew from the start but alas, you wanted to be cruel, thinking it was for the best. Until your symptoms persisted, a heavy reminder of the remaining distance of the string you have to walk on to reach the end. The heavy feeling in your chest started to worsen as cherry sweet liquid poured from your mouth.

Soon the once pristine sheets were stained in haunting crimson shades as you heaved and he watched in agony. If only he had the ability of what he once had back then, if only he could plant the seeds of the flowers from yours to his then he would, if only he hadnt met you one autumn evening

" please dont look at me like that. " you told him, cold hands caressing his cheeks, catching the streams of salty warm beads that fell freely from your darling's amber eyes.

"Im sorry. Im so sorry..." the last thing you wanted to see was this man to cry. The last thing you wanted to see was to see him relive the past tragic memories you promised to bring him out of

" my disease has nothing to do with you. In the end it was mine alone to handle. oh, you are far from that so please dont you ever blame yourself."

"How can I not? If I havent fallen so deep then you would experienced so much more in life, you couldve been happier if you met someone else. Yet you chose me and I couldnt give you anything, I--. " the words knotted up as he began to shake, hands holding yours as knuckles turned to white

You slapped him.

With all the strength youve gathered in that fading body of yours. The sound cutting the grieving sounds that spilled from him, soul and flesh alike.

"A-li, look at me. Do I look like someone whose unsatisfied with what youve given me? Did my smile ever fade when Im with you? Did your affections ever lack? Answer me." his watery gaze met yours, a torrent of emotions swimming in them

"No. Never." a soft smile was carved unto your lips

"My dear, youve given me all Ive ever wanted in this life and I regret nothing of it."

To him, you were the flower that bloomed at the highest peak of the mountain he's never reached and yet its petals voluntarily detached and fell down, making him the happiest as one thing he's admired was untouchable and now, lay softly in the palm of his hands. To cherish and to protect.

But of course, all things are evanescent.

The familiar feeling of soreness that wasnt supposed to be there rose, ebbed and flowed through his throat. He knew it all too well, it was after he woke from his week long slumber did he feel it along with what his ancient beating heart felt.

"You collapsed." the worried words of the qixing echoed in his head. He frantically got up but as soon as his feet touched the floor did his legs give out underneath him, what use was he in this sorry state. He was helped up and sat back on the edge of the bed.

He wanted to ask many things yet was unable to.

Ningguang spoke as if you were still breathing and was visiting her minutes ago with another one of your tea blends. "Dont worry and rest first, go to jueyun karst after. They will be waiting."

To where the adepti resides, who as well, favored you, that one soul among thousands of others. One to which they shared a few good memories with was allowed to slumber there in peace.

Zhongli found himself waking up to the sun setting in the horizon. Just like how youve gone and resurfaced back into his memories. It was time.

He stood up from where he sat, gloved hands brushing any dirt that clung to him as he made his way to where you slept.

The red bean that was planted by himself still remained, a token of his love for you. Picking one bead and placing it inside the hollow dice he brought along, completing another one of the similar handicraft he's made every visit.

The sun finally died and the moon began its reign. The small wisps of light gathered around before him, forming a blurry image.

It was then he felt at ease, he saw you smiling at him with all there is in the world. Your light seemed to dim a little, hinting the blessing the adepti gave was slowly diminishing. Soon your visits would cease and you were sure that by the end of the power spent, he wouldve let go of the torment that plagued him.

"A-li. Have you been well?" he knew what you meant

"Im letting go slowly my dear. Perhaps in time, I would learn breathe easily once again."

Longest yet lol. Hope yall liked it ehehe

[mcprincessdiaries-archive]

life is fleeting and i realize i may never be able to share the stories i want to as fully fleshed out fiction. but thats ok cause im fine with essay length rambling text posts. so how about some belala lore indulgence :-)

part 1 of ???

some background: belalas spent like, basically her whole life studying to be a chirurgeon. while she excelled in the medical side of the field, her ability to weave healing spells left something to be desired. after learning everything she possibly could at whatever far flung outpost she'd been at, its guildmaster realized the help she needed was simply beyond what he could offer. so he sends her off to where he originally learned his craft, gridania

upon arriving and meeting with e-sumi-yan she immediately gets tasked with the tall order of assisting with the cleansing of the recently-ish-unearthed ruins of amdapor. of course, she wasnt to do it alone, as the guild leader had the foresight to seek help from a band of "incredibly trustworthy adventurers". three guesses at their identities.

sasabe had been approached by the serpent commander i-forgot-his-name while doing business at the adders' nest, asking if she was interested in assisting a newly arrived conjurer with some great arduous task. she accepts, and invites bonana and oranje to help too

so a black mage, a dark knight and a samurai walk into the stillglade fane. this happens during late stormblood, by the way. bonana, upon realizing who theyre helping, is just 100% completely absolutely stunned. to make it worse, she doesnt seem to recognize him (remember, she hasnt seen him since he was still a kid), so he decides to play the cool and stoic act and leave the talking to the other two while he internally panics

its a long, awkward trip down to the south shroud. belala did happen to recognize sasabe as "the girl at the tea shop" that befriended her sister. it prompted her to share quite a few embarrassing stories about said sister, that perhaps he didnt want sas to know about. just as well, belala also spent some time poking and prodding at him a bit, wondering why he seemed to regard her so strangely. but before he caved in to her pouting, they arrived at the entrance to the lost city.

there, they meet a serpent officer casually leaned against the wall, a mighty weird lance upon his back, his collar so high you could fit a number of puppies in it. he proclaims he was sent by brother e-sumi-yan to oversee them to their task, and guide them if need be. a dungeon, basically, theyre doing a dungeon. not lost city though. lets call it ummmmm....the dreamer's assay. sure

the first part is underground where ancient aqueducts flow into a cistern. but after decades upon centuries of being clogged, the areas grown stagnant with mold and decay, the creatures that roam it just as rancid. immediately belala is overwhelmed by the assault on her senses, while the others dont seem nearly as bothered. after assuring shes ok bonana charges ahead, but not too fast cause hes not quite certain of her capabilities yet.

at the end of their path they find an enormous croc infected with all manner of fungi and parasites. not a regular crocodile mind, one of those fucked up hairy ones with the face that splits open

after an intense boss fight the beast is laid to rest, and belala senses a change in the area. grabbing at that feeling, she channels aether through her staff and cleanses the stagnant waters of its taint. as it flowed freely again, she swears she saw someone standing at the other side, leading them onwards

the second part...i havent actually solidified. all ive got is its like a bunch of spiderwebs over a chasm, with a big ol' spider boss at the end. belala cleanses the wind, and she sees the ghost again, taking them even further downwards.

the THIRD area is some kind of sanctum, clearly somewhere important back in its glory days. however, it appeared to have a growing voidsent problem, the fiends forcing themselves to manifest within the power-laden statues adorning the place. after dealing with the infestation, the group comes across a very large, very important and imposing-looking statue, in similar appearance to kuribu. but instead of a faceted red jewel imbedded in its chest, this one was a smooth, pure white.

the serpent officer steps forward, shoving belala out of the way to reveal his ulterior motives. for he was never a real officer, but a black mage of ancient mhach...whose corpse had been roused into undeath by a rather ambitious voidsent. her plans laid bare, she makes her move to inhabit the statue just as it began to stir.

however, she couldnt possess it completely, becoming instead an abomination of marbled stone and twisted flesh, its wings breaking and giving way to a mass of writhing tendrils. the point is its very scary and gross and belala is 100% freaking out cause she has never seen anything like this before. queue final boss music

belala manages to gather herself as the other three make quick work of the fiend. everything goes fairly smooth, until the field is obscured in a cloud of darkness, the voidsent catching all of them unaware in the grasp of her tentacles. with quick thinking bonana shields his sister from the brunt of the attack as theyre grabbed together, afterwards wiggling one his arms loose to protect her with a powerful barrier (blackest night babyyy).

suddenly the conjurer finds herself all alone, that horrible creature gloating as it loomed over her. digging deep to find the courage within herself, she raises her staff and calls out to the stone still clinging on, and the white crystal resonated with her pleas. the statue collapses in on itself, crushing the voidsent within, as a wave of white, holy light bursts out, utterly destroying whatever remnants of it were left.

with victory secured, she rushes to aid the others recovery. none worse for the wear, sasabe starts looking through the rubble of the once-glorious statue. within it she finds the selfsame stone that had been embedded in its chest, completely smooth, save for a single symbol carved into its surface. the soul of a white mage.

she hands it off to belala and upon holding it, she sees the same small ghostly figure clad in white and crimson. this time, however, they take off the hood...revealing a face eerily similar to her own. holding up a finger in a hushing motion, the phantom dissipates, leaving the band to make their way back to gridania.

upon returning belala shows the soul crystal to the guildmaster, and he smiles and congratulates her, revealing the journey had been a deliberate test. it turns out the padjal had already known about its resting place as the ruins were explored, but was asked by the elementals not to disturb it. he was told to wait for the right moment in which a rightful successor would step forward and claim it. reluctantly she accepts, still feeling as if she hadnt quite earned it.

but before she can ruminate on it bonana asks to talk with her alone outside, except its not really a talk he just kind of awkwardly takes off his helmet to reveal his identity. belala is rightfully shocked, wondering why he didnt say so sooner. as it turns out, he didnt because he believed she'd been in cahoots with their mother, as he had seen letter written between them, and knew that she was the one who'd been pressing for him to leave home and study medicine just like she did (the thing that drove him to run away)

belala tries to assuage him and explains the reason she did that was because she knew how unhappy he was at home, and there wasnt much else she could do, being so far away, with no way to talk directly to him without their parents knowing (yet she admits there was an aspect of just wanting to see him again to it as well). but this only irritates him further as he sharply points out hes not a little kid that needed saving, and he definitely didnt need his goody-goody sister being around for others to compare and ask why he cant be more like her

ultimately their little "reunion" ends with him storming off, leaving belala alone to contemplate about just how much time has passed between them.

[taeghi]

angry sex - bts

jin

“god. I cant believe you jin!” you yelled as the two of you stormed into your shared apartment, jin slaming the door behind him.

“well i cant believe you either y/n!” he retorted back at your, practically throwing his shoes off.

the two of you went to a dinner that night with the other members. the whole car ride to the fancy restaurant was strangely quiet, but you didnt ask jin about it. when you guys got the restaurant, he barely spoke a word to you.

you were talking to jungkook beside you when  you heard jin speak, “yah! namjoon, i know y/n looks like a slut tonight but keep your eyes up here.” your eyes bulged out of your head as he finished his sentence. you looked down at your dress, sure, your boobs were kind of showing, but you wouldnt call yourself a slut.

you angrily stood up and walked out of the resturant, hearing jin groan from behind you as he excused you two from the table for the night.

so now, the two of you stood facing eachother, eyes narrowed at each other, breathing heavely.

“i cant believe you would call me a slut in front of your friends.” you groaned, your hand coming to rest on your forehead.

instantly, something clicked in jin. his head turned to the side a bit, and his eyes scanned your entire body. “ well that’s just what you are isnt y/n? a slut.”

you were about to snap at him, but was cut off by him pushing you up agaisnt the wall behind you.

“ you like the feeling of all these peoples’ eyes on you dont you?” he spoke lowly into your ear as his hands roamed your entire body. “ you like knowing that all those little boys were imagining doing things to you- dirty things.” your breath hitched in your throat at his words. his lips sucking on your jaw and neck as his hands moved underneath your dress. “those are just little boys though y/n, let me show you what a man can do to please you.”

yoongi

there your boyfriend was, sitting on the couch that you left him on earlier that day. by just standing in the doorway you could tell that he didnt do any of the chores you told him to do.

“so yoongi, is all of the cleaning done?” you asked him as you took off your shoes, causing him to jump a little due to not hearing you come in.

“uh no.” he responded, taking his feet off the coffee table.

you sighed, “of course you didn’t, im the only one who needs to clean.” you walked into the kitchen and saw the pile of dirty dishes in the sink.

now you heard yoongi stand up from his position and come into the kitchen.”what?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“i said that i’m the only one who ever cleans around here.” you repeated yourself, preparing for the fight that was about to begin.

“i clean around here.” he stated, coming closer to you.

“really when? because i havent noticed.”  

he then pushed you against the kitchen counter, his hands on the counter behind  you so you couldn’t move. “i do the laundry, i clean the bathroom and i sweep. so i do clean around here.”

the closeness between  youtwo, made you almost forget what you were fighting about as he spoke those words. “fine, you do help a little, but not doing the chorse i tell you t-” you were cut off by him basically smashing his lips onto your own.

“shut up and let me fuck you now yeah?” he said as he pulled back quickly, you only gettign enough time to nod before he’s ripping both of your clothes off and fucking you abruptly on the kitchen counter. it was messy, and it really did not help get your apartment any cleaner.

hoseok

he was furious. beyond angry. he wasnt your normal sunshine that you and everyone else has come to love. his face was blushed red from yelling. veins in his neck were very prominent. his eyebrows were furrowed and he looked extremely hot. sure, you didn’t like him being mad at you but, he just looked so damn good.

he sighed, “i cant keep yelling anymore y/n.” he said and sat down on the couch, his head in his hands.

“then dont.” you smirked, coming closer to your boyfriend.

“what?” he looked up at you.

“fuck me instead.” now the both of you were smirking, the fight leaving your guys’ minds as you climbed onto his lap. his hands immediately gripped onto your waist, and you starting to grind down onto his member. his lips attached themselves onto your neck, biting harshly, making sure to leave marks. soft moans fell from your lips as your tilted your head back and closed your eyes. his hands now letting go of your hips and starting to rip off your clothing instead.

your breaths mixed together for the rest of the night. his roughs, still kinda angry thrusts made you forget everything that happened a few hours before.

namjoon

you have never seen him like this before. his nosrils flaring, his chest moving fast from heavy breathing and his eyes narrowed at you. his hands were even flinching at his sides.

you guys had been fighting for almost a hour now, over somethng that didnt even matter anymore. you were furious at him, you wanted to keep fighting with him, but as his previous actions faded away and turned into lust, you knew it was over.

“come here baby girl.” he demanded, anger still laced in his voice. you followed his command and walked the few steps towards him until you were directly infront of him. “i think youve been quite mean to daddy tonight, maybe you should make it up to him, and he might do the same to you.” you nodded in response, his words fading your anger away and filling it with lust. “good. now strip.”

jimin

jimin rarely got mad, but he did get jealous- extremely jealous. so, when he was pushing you back into his bedroom and away from the boys, you werent really surprised.

“jimin, what is it now?” you asked, your arms crossing over your chest.

his eyes scanned your body before responding, “look what youre wearing.”

your head and eyes looked down to see your outfit; your sleeping shorts, that you guess are pretty short, and a tank top.

“all of the boys were looking at you, biting their lips, scanning your body.” he spoke as he walked closer to you, pulling your hips into his. thats when you felt it, his hard member poking into your hip. “they want you baby, but they cant have you since youre mine. only mine.”

“yes jimin, i’m only yours.” you smirked at him, loving where this was going.

he smashed his lips onto yours and pushed you down onto the bed, him landing softly on top of you. his hands went up the sides of your body roughly, and his hips grinded into your own.

“i want you to be extra loud this time, make the others remember who you belong to.” he whispered into your ear before biting down onto your neck, a loud moan leaving your lips instantly, “thats it baby, be loud.”

taehyung

he was pinning you onto the bed, his whole weight on you so you couldnt move. you had made him mad, so you were expecting this.

“youve made me very mad kitten. i think you should be punished.” his raspy voice spoke.

almost instantly, you were stripped from your clothes and sprawled over his lap on your stomach. his hands roamed your ass before giving your right ass cheek a quick slap. the fabric of his jeans rubbing against your stomach since he was still fully dressed. “count every spanking or i start over. understand kitten?” he asked.

“yes sir.” you responded.

your punishment went for another 19 spankings, your ass red as hell and tears streaming down your face in pleasure and pain- a feeling  you loved.

“youve taken your punishment very well kitten. i think its time for your reward,” taehyung said, a smile spreading across his face as his long fingers started to play with the lips of your pussy. you bit your lip, trying to hold in your moans from the pleasure he was giving you. suddenly, a hand came down on your sore ass cheek, causing you to yelp out. “stop holding back, let me hear your pretty moans y/n.”

with that, for the rest of the night, all that was heard were your moans and screams of pleasure and other erotic noises.

jungkook

he glared at you from across the club, not believing what you were doing. you knew he was watching, it was all apart of your plan. angry jealous sex is what you have been craving recently, so that is what you will get.

you were standing infront of jimin, your hands running up and down his thighs as you leaned over a little, trying to push your boobs into his face.

“uh y/n, i dont know what youre doing, but i think you should stop.” jimin spoke to you, a bit taken a back and frightened. he saw the way jungkook was looking at the two of you and it was not good.

“nono jimin, its all part of my plan. i need really good sex tonight.” you reassured jimin, a smirk almost instantly spreading across his face,

“well i think its working because hes coming over here now, and he does not look happy.” suddenly, you felt a warm hand grip your wrist and spin you around.

“y/n. its time to go.” jungkook spoke calmly, but you could see the way his eyes pierced into yours, and how his jaw was clenched, that he was beyond pissed. you nodded to him and followed behind him as he started walking towards the exit, but not before smirking and winking back at jimin.

as soon as you were outside, jungkook pushed you up against the brick wall outside the club.

“you should know how i feel when men look at the way jimin hyung was looking at you like that y/n.” jungkook growled lowly into your ear, his hands griping your hips. “you’re mine. no one looks at whats mine like that.” you were about to respond until his warm mouth bite down on your neck, the cold fall breeze instantly cooling it. “im going to have to mark you everywhere so everyone knows whats mine.”

[heyitsyn]

Oh God

TimeTraveler!Son x Haikyuu!! Part 2

a/n: hehe i wouldnt put ‘x haikyuu’ if manager y/n ends up with that certain character. youll just have to,,,, wait for the end 😏

he didnt want to lie but he had to so he could survive

hinata offered his hand to help him up and natsu winced at the scratches and the slight headache as he stood on his two feet

‘you okay?’

hinata asked and natsu nodded

‘yea, just a headache’

natsu tried to play it off as cooly as he could bc this must’ve been from the car hit before and he couldnt just say he got ran over by a damn car

‘where do you live? i can go and treat your wounds there’

natsu was about to respond but he remembers hes not in tokyo anymore and he cant just spout out his address

so he did the thing his mom told him to do whenever it was necessary

he lied

‘i-um,,,’

he fumbled for an excuse but he sighed to maintain the act

‘i got kicked out’

he mumbled and hinata had to make him repeat it twice because he said it so quietly

the tangerine boy gasped and held his arms

‘what?! why?!’

natsu sniffled

‘my dad,,,, he just,,, doesnt want me’

well, that was actually true

so a true statement could equal that lie, right?

thankfully, hinata bought it and he grabbed his arm to walk forward while his other was pushing his bike

‘i hit you with my bike so the least i could do is take you to my house and treat you!’

and that was what they did

natsu’s phone was dead even though he was sure he charged it from denki’s powerbank during practice but it remained its black screen no matter how many times he hit the power button

his surroundings was also something unfamiliar

his mother only kept him in tokyo and never took him to go visit her family because she was kicked out and had to go live with her auntie when she found out about him and his father refused to help her

‘so, sendai, huh?’

he mumbled and hinata looked at him confused

‘sounds like youre not from around here. where you from?’

‘t-tokyo’

he replied and saw hinata’s eyes brighten

‘oh?! you look like youre my age so you must have been in a high school in tokyo, right? what school?’

‘yuuei’

‘hah?! yuuei?! what is that?!’

natsu rolled his eyes and shrugged

‘a school’

hinata persisted though

‘do you know other schools?! any other school friends?! like nekoma?! or fukurodani?!’

natsu shook his head and he was supposed to be happy that he got to meet, even talk, to his idol yet his younger self was much more hyper than his mellowed out behavior on tv

‘i stick to my friends from yuuei’

‘but what are you doing all the way here?’

natsu’s throat dried up and he watched his feet kick the pebbles to distract him of his urge to just whine and throw a tantrum with the confusion from this mess

‘i dont know’

he choked out and he was so tired and confused and all he wants to do is cry in his mother’s arms like he used to but she doesnt even know he exists

hinata sensed the tension and sadness from the boy beside him and tried his best to stay quiet until they get home

to say his mom was angry was an understatement

‘SHOYO, DONT YOU KNOW TO WATCH WHERE YOURE GOING?!’

‘kaa-san i was so angry and bakageyama was yelling at me and hit me and-’

‘THAT DOESNT GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO RUN SOMEONE OVER!’

natsu sat there on their couch awkwardly watching the black-haired woman yell at the human tangerine

he coughed in impulse and she turned away from her son and went to sit next to the h/c boy

‘dear, im so sorry for my son and his terrible biking. i didnt catch your name when you entered, what is it?’

even hinata forgot to ask his name but thats such a hinata thing to do though

natsu froze

if he was to say his mother’s last name, it would raise suspicion that he might know her in this time period and izuku has shown him enough doctor who to show him what happens when he messes up in time

again, he lied

‘kiri,,,shima,,, natsu. kirishima natsu’

he inwardly apologized to eijirou for using his last name

mrs. hinata raised a hand to her mouth with a surprised gasp

‘oh! my daughter’s name is also natsu! natsu, dear! can you come here for a second?’

natsu heard soft sounds from the stairs and she shyly walked down 

‘come say hi’

she softly urged her daughter to come closer and the little girl ran to hide behind her older brother who gently smiled and held her hand

‘well, thats her. she just turned 10 a few days ago. look dear, kirishima-kun has the same name as you!’

she waved slightly and natsu felt his heart swell at the sight of the adorable little girl

his mother never really had time for relationships so he was an only child and never got to experience a sibling, only hearing the experience of having siblings from his friend, shouto

mrs. hinata placed a gentle hand on his arm to revert his attention back to her

‘shoyo told me what happened and im sorry that this is all happening to you’

he felt guilty at the sight of her sad eyes because this was all a lie but he knew if he told them the real reason, they wouldnt believe him

so he had to continue with the lie

‘everything was falling apart and i wanted to leave everything behind. so i just took the shinkansen to nowhere and ended up here’

mrs. hinata felt her heart tug because he was just a little boy and he was too young to experience this so she offered him something he shouldnt have agreed to but again, survival

‘you can stay with us in the mean time. our guest room has been collecting dust so you can live here’

‘what? no! i can’t!’

natsu instinctually turned it down because he hated people giving him charity

but the woman squeezed his arm to give him a smile

‘i will not allow a child to live in the streets because of something he couldnt help’

‘arent you worried youre inviting a total stranger in your home?’

but she gave him a knowing smile

‘im a mother. i can trust you, boy’

in exchange for board and food, he promised to get a part time job so he could pay her back and get out of their house as quickly as he could

shoyo led him to the bathroom upstairs so he could treat the wounds from the ground

natsu sat on the closed toilet seat while his literal idol was putting cream on his boo-boos

he still cant wrap his head with everything

maybe it was because he was so busy trying to come up with lies that he wasnt able to fully sit down and think about the fact that he just TRAVELED BACK IN TIME and could accidentally change it

‘shoyo, what year is it?’

he mumbled

‘2012′

he answered and natsu sighed but his head perked up

oh god

2012

thats a year away from 2013

the year he was born

that meant shoyo’s team manager was going to give birth to him next year

‘why? did you hit your head so far that you forgot?’

hinata joked but he paled when natsu didnt laugh

‘OH GOD DID YOU?!’

‘NO! AND STOP YELLING!’

natsu shouted, equally surprised

‘whew, thank god. again, im so sorry i hit you’

‘shoyo, dont worry about it, okay? im fine, i swear’

during dinner, mrs. hinata told him about his school situation

‘you can go to karasuno with shoyo. what year were you in?’

‘first’

‘perfect! shoyo is too so he could easily help you around the school!’

natsu nodded quietly, still out of it and his brain finally starting to accept this impossible reality

‘but i dont think i could help you with the entrance exams. im not the most-um-smartest, per se’

shoyo apologized but natsu already knew that

he was no extreme fanatic but he knew quite a lot about hinata shoyo, the player he watched during the 2021 olympics and the reason he started playing volleyball

natsu dreamed to join the msby jackals just like his idol did and eventually reach the national team like hinata did

it was during the olympics of 2021, he knew he wanted to be like him

this boy who sat next to him was the reason he came to love volleyball along with his other idol, oikawa tooru, from the argentina volleyball team after seeing that legendary match 

when oikawa hit that service ace, natsu wanted to be able to receive that

he was merely 8 and his neighbor, midoriya inko, was babysitting him and she placed him and her son who was his friend, izuku, in front of the tv where they watched the olympics match

‘someday, ill be someone great. ill be great like him’

he promised and from then on, he worked to achieve that goal 

‘natsu? hello?’

he was shaken from his thoughts as shoyo nudged him back to reality

mrs. hinata laughed

‘maybe you should head to bed early, dear. you must be tired after having a hard journey’

he nodded and was about to go and wash his dishes when she stopped him

‘no. go and sleep, ill take care of this’

‘i have to do my part in here, hinata-san. please, let me do this’

she finally agreed and he was scrubbing the plates when his mind wandered over to possible solutions on how he could go back

there was an episode that he watched with izuku that the character had to do something to go back

and he had a feeling that he would have to do the same thing

but what would that something be?

there had to be a reason he was thrown all the way in this time and it couldnt just be a coincidence that supposedly, this would be around the same time his mother would get pregnant

but who would it be?

he finished putting the plates on the drying rack and he felt really thirsty suddenly

opening the fridge, he found no water bottles and natsu had a very sensitive stomach so he couldnt drink tap water

his next favorite beverage was there and he pulled a glass from the cabinet

‘hinata-san, is it okay if i can have some milk?’

he called out and she shouted that it was okay

natsu poured the drink on his glass and started drinking it when hinata entered the kitchen and snickered at him

‘yknow, you remind me of my idiot teammate. none of my other friends drink straight milk except for him’

natsu placed the glass down and wiped his lips

‘chocolate milk make me sick and i hate the taste of flavoring in milk. but i just hate flavoring in general. except for gari gari popsicles, those are good’

natsu reasoned, watching hinata move across the room to get an apple

‘still ew. but come on! lets go to bed so i can show you around school early before practice tomorrow!’

natsu noticed his excitement by the way he bounced in place and he chuckled

it reminded him of his friends mina and denki

hinata led them both to his room so he could check his wounds again just to make sure

then something caught his eye

‘kirishima-kun you like volleyball?!’

that threw him off

partly because he wasnt used to being called by his friend’s last name

but also because of the question

‘huh? how do you know that?’

natsu asked, almost defensively

hinata shrugged

‘i saw your volleyball shoes in your bag’

hinata reasoned and excitedly pointed at them

‘you should play for us! im part of the team too! oh oh! what position do you play?!’

‘l-libero’

natsu stuttered out, slightly overwhelmed by hinata’s energy

hinata started circling him, inspecting his height and looking at him up and down

‘yanno, kirishima-kun, youre really tall. like much taller than the rest of my club. maybe not saltyshima but really!! youre so tall!!’

hinata whined in envy and natsu laughed

‘blame it on the paternal side of the family. my ma isnt really tall’

he laughs but then memories of his mother resurfaced and he suddenly felt gloomy, guilty, even, bc he doesnt know if time stopped there or it kept going and if so, shes probably worried sick

and he knew she was always one who blamed herself

hinata noticed his downcast expression and thought he probably remembers his dad and got sad since he got kicked out

so our baby sunshine freaked out and he frantically waved his hands around

‘oh no! gomen kiri-kun! gomen! i really didnt mean to make you think about him! gomen!!!’

he even bowed which surprised the h/c boy and made him stand back up

‘o-oi shoyo! dont! you didnt because i wasnt thinking about him!’

he fussed and patted hinata’s hair

‘i dont care about him. to be honest, there isnt much to think about’

he didnt think about what he said until he heard himself

natsu’s eyes widened, fearful of how hinata could take it but he flinched when the orange-haired boy’s eyes were filled with his own tears

‘OH NO!! KIRI-KUN!!!’

then launched another series of apologies and natsu had to calm him down

oh dear

it was early in the morning like 5 when hinata bursted into natsu’s room

the loud shout of shoyo made his eyes blink open and he groaned before turning to the side

‘come on, kiri-kun! we need to go to take your exam!’

‘nooooooooo’

‘yeeessssssss’

it was quite a battle for hinata to even just get natsu out of bed but he managed to bribe the latter with some milk bread from the bakery down the street

‘2′

natsu showed his two fingers and hinata sighed before nodding

‘yes. now go hurry so we can leave!’

dressed in his grey sweatpants and a yuuei sweatshirt, natsu cursed as he only has clothes good for 2 days and he didnt want to bother the hinatas so he was at a loss

mrs hinata bid the two boys good bye and natsu was yawning and dragging his body to walk while hinata was skipping over to his bike

then he finally realized the problem

he nervously looked at natsu and the taller boy didnt understand why he was looking at him that way

‘what?’

shoyo pointed at the bike and awkwardly smiled

‘uh,,, you see,,, i dont think youd,,, fit,,, at the back seat’

natsu shrugged

‘then ill bike. ive done it before’

he sauntered over to the bike and swiftly lifted his leg before testing out the brake handles

‘its good and better than mine back home’

‘a-are you-’

‘sit down, sho’

hinata gripped on to the back of natsu’s sweatshirt as he told him the directions to how to get to the school

natsu remembered watching an interview of hinata talking about his high-school life and he remembered the star player talking about his dedication to go to karasuno everyday for volleyball

and the boy couldn’t believe hes doing that right now, with his idol literally behind him, and driving to the legendary karasuno high school

from the jackals to the adlers and even some other teams like the frogs, natsu cheered for them

there was a memory of his mother sitting with him on their couch during one of her rare day offs as they rewatched the recorded copy of the olympics

it has become natsu’s favorite thing to watch

‘with great talent comes great hardships. people don’t become good overnight and i watched those people suffer through it all but look where they are now’

‘KIRISHIMA, WATCH OUT! COWS CROSSING!’

natsu was snapped out of his thoughts at hinata’s shout

then it morphed into pure and utter confusion

‘cows?’

shoyo laughed

‘since youre from the city, this must be a weird sight for you, huh? well, in the countryside, this happens a lot!’

but natsu didnt mind

in fact, he loved cows

he loved any farm animal in general

maybe it was his upbringing in the hustle and bustle of the city that he grew to love the countryside

shoto took him with his family to a trip to the country once and he remembered loving the smell of grass

they were able to do an activity in a farm where they worked in a rice farm and the peace and serenity was something he will always remember

his mother was lucky she grew up in a place like this

‘kiri-kun, ive been wanting to ask, how is your volleyball team in the city? are you a powerhouse?’

natsu felt pride bubble up in his chest

‘of course! we got second place in nationals!’

he boasted and blurted out before he could stop himself

then he felt fear

he shouldnt have said that because for all he knows, yuuei probably doesn’t exist at this time period

hinata had a different reaction and his eyes shone

‘WHAT?! WOAH! SO COOL! I HAVE TO TELL OUR CAPTAIN THAT WE’RE GETTING A POWERHOUSE STUDENT!’

‘uh-i-uh-’

natsu didnt know what to say because he had a feeling he definitely just did an oopsie

so he switched topics really quick to divert the attention away from his past

‘o-oi sho, once youre done being a pro volleyball player and stuff, we should have our own rice farm’

of course it was such a random idea but it distracted the orange boy

hinata shrugged

‘i mean,,, i have to be a pro first but i guess we can!’

‘hmm,,,, i dont think you have to worry about that’

.................................................

taglist:

@hartbeat-art​ @yakus-yakult​ @nerdyphantomlady​ @jollycowboysaladhero​ @cynicallychaotic​ 

a/n: oh god this sat in my drafts for so long and i really dont know what im doing like i kinda have a rough outline of what im doing but im just going with the flow but i dont think the flow is quite flowy 

[anakinfruit]

thanks for the tag @emilykenobi !! 💗💗

1. Why did you choose your url?

ok there’s actually a long running inside joke about it but basically it comes down to I was assigned Anakin Fruit by a uquiz and then shenanigans occurred and i changed all my discord names to Anakin/Vader fruit and then ti continue one the trend i changed my tumblr url to match

2. Any side blogs?

yea i don’t use any of them anymore though so I’m not going to plug them. but i do have a separate art account @nooodledoodles if you’d like to follow that :D

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

too long. idk since i was 13 or 14 and im 21 now, so do the math? what is that like 7-8 years

4. Do you have a queue tag?

nope, i can’t be bothered to queue anything thats just extra steps, we reblog in spurts like men here

5. Why did you start your blog?

i wanted to look at homestuck fan art

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because @dilfdarthvader originally had a bi leia one and i wanted a bi anakin one so she made one and it’s beautiful

7. Why did you choose your header?

I wanted to convert my blog fully into star wars and I needed a header to match the theme so chose this one if anakin and ahsoka because i love them. I don’t remember who made it off the top of my head but i reblogged the post i got it from so it can be searched up

8. What post of yours has the most notes?

i believe its a photoset of how attractive the Carolina hurricanes roster was a couple of years ago?? or a Carter Hart gif from world juniors im not quite sure. I know something broke a thousand notes though

9. How many mutuals do you have?

bruh i dont even know who follows me and who i also follow but i know i can say for certain i have at least 50, it’s definitely more but theres probably only about 50 id recognize right away? maybe? i dont knowww i only talk to a select few and the m.a.d. server

10. How many followers do you have?

1,135, don’t ask my why or how, theyre just there i dont even know how many are active

11. How many blogs do you follow?

1798, i’m just follow happy

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

oooh yea, i dont think theyve ever gotten any traction tho

13. How often do use Tumblr a day?

*nervous chuckling* i’m like chronically online, according to my screen time its around 2-2.5 hrs per day, which honestly i was expecting higher

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

i don’t think so, not that i can recall

15. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog’ posts?

fuck em, i see em and aggressively scroll past i don’t need to be guilt tripped when im trying to zone out from the world thank you very much

16. Do you like tag games?

yeeee please tag me in things 🥺

17. Do you like ask games?

also ye, send me things!!

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

oh a good deal of my star wars mutuals i think, maybe? i’m really not good at judging popularity

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah, they’re just my pocket phone friends

i tag: @dilfdarthvader @moodysgirlsblog @cloudsofheaven @itsjml @aghsoka @shipaycon @quirkofthewild

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 14 part b

Alright time for more reactions to Homesqaured- oh jeezus

the last one of these I did was from october last year, hoo boy alright brain time to get back on the time train things are happening fast

we last left off with me thinking they just fucking hilled Harry but I remembered the wrong house so Harrys fine, John not so much

Yeah, John sad but ooh Karkat shows up!

They seem to have a mutual conversation about lost youth and stuff, really makes these characters feel oold

“JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.“

Oh man, John thats a whole ass MOOD

lol at sburb allocated blow job

yeah Karkats right tho, John does kind of need a kick in the pants to see how he might have been useful here, but Johns still stuck in this rut of not seeing anything around him as Real real, so hes blind to all of the consequences of inaction

John its called derealization and depersonalization, you can get help for that yknow

But I mean, cant really blame him, hes being smothered by the fires of Doom all around him

Its interesting to see that Karkat, a Blood player, is more comfortable navigating through things that constrain them and tie them down, since constraint is something Blood and Doom have in common, Chains and Barriers and Laws and etc

Whereas John the Breath player, just gets bogged down, hes totally out of his element

so it ends up being like John: “Id like to cling to some funny moments of my youth pls and try to lighten the situation up a bit because I cant do anything when so heavy”

versus Karkat being like: “BUCKLE UP FUCK TITS THIS SHIT IS YOUR LIFE NOW GETS USED TO WADING KNEE DEEP IN THE SHIT LIKE THE REST OF US GROWN ASS ADULTS”

John: ):

Hmm, both Vriskas have been captured, but Annie basically rescued herself, knowing Vriska Prime she probably has a plan or an idea about that, see well see how that goes

“KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Oh. Well I guess that was Dirk’s “plans” for Jane all along. Obviously he was using Jane as a vehicle to gather “players” for his eventually next session, interesting

But who has Jane kidnapped in total thus far?

Does Tavros count? he was certainly trapped with her for some amount of his life, but I dont know if that counts as a kidnapping, John certainly tried to kidnap HIM though from the epilogues

Annie certainly counts as being kidnapped

Vrissy has JUST been captured so that counts, and Harry so far is still fine

Which bodes so well for Harry’s future Im sure

Yeah, Vriska should have been able to not outwit any capture attempts, but my guess is either Vrissy got capture and Vriska dove in, OR, Vriska’s doing an inside job so to speak and got caught on purpose, dragging Vrissy along as well

I guess we’ll see when we see their “prison”

Anyway John, don’t get so down on yourself, you’re just ignorant to everythiong around you! thats why nothing makes sense and you can’t connect to anything, easy fix! Just try to learn more and care more about stuff lol

Man does this feel like a strong metaphor between people who are into/care about politics and people who feel like they can’t get into it though

Crossing that hurdle from one side to the other is rough

“KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.”

yup

man, this is all feeling startlingly relevant to the current times, I should have read this sooner

“ KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. “

hah, oh wow, Karkat when you phrase it like that, it’s almost as if you’ve become self aware of your tendencies to Moirail people out of their problems

Not really that out of character for a Blood player to end up being the Therapy Friend though lol

Just don’t burn yourself out on that though

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

I know Karkat has probably matured past misunderstandings like this now given he’s really come into a great understanding of his Blood aspect, but by golly do I wish Karkat would misunderstand this as John’s attempts to be Moirail-reciprocal sdkjfhwlijebr

What a perfect way to continue their relationship, on top of more misconstrued romance quadrants XD

Spades is old Hat, Diamonds are in now babey

Oh

this started out funny, but Karkat’s emotional rant just ended up being depressing not funny ):

I have to say though, it is REALLY interesting to see John’s depression manifesting in a very breathy sort of way

Karkat in these panels was more closer together, connected, but as John gets more and more depressed over the course of Karkat’s rant when he realizes Karkat doesn’t know dave died, the panels get seperated by lines of blue, and slowly drift off away from John and from eachother

but thats basically been hows its been manifesting all along

the more John feels Disconnected and Seperate from the reality he finds himself in, the more he finds his will untethered, the more depressed and unable to act he gets

and right now its so much so that even a fuller fledged Blood player is having trouble grounding him back down

I don’t know, I always viewed the depression metaphor as a dark watery void to sink into and feels heavy and encapsulating (but probably thats just my Light-y interpretation of it)

so its interesting to see the depression metaphor as this floating disconnection instead, so much that it leans towards derelaization/depersonalistion/dissociation as well

I wonder if John will start dealing with bouts of actual full blown dissociation as this gets worse?

I mean, Breath aspect has given the literal ability to ghost around wherever he pleases in all other ways, why not literally and physcologically as well?

So John seems to be fully overembracing his aspect here, to a very unhealthy degree here, which I see you asking “aha Dahni, but hes doesn’t have overblown self esteem here, quite the opposite, is this not an inverted state instead? or something else because hes acting like hes inverting to Breath?”

and I say not so! reader, for overembracing is the idea that through your aspect, your will is overwriting the wills of others, and in someone like Vriska, this manifests in a very selfish and over self esteemed way

but is not John’s will overwriting Karkat’s here? Through Breath? And isnt John also being a little selfish here? Considering how he feels about things, more important than how anyone else feels? How Karkat feels?

John is too dissociated to understand that this reality is Real and has Consequences he needs to care about, and Karkat is trying to fight against that, trying to instill his belief that no, this shit is real and it Matters Why Don’t You Care, trying to ground him, trying to give him that dose of Blood he needs

but John’s overembracing Breath is just, blowing that all away, its becoming too strong

Roxy in the epilogues dealt with this as well, when John was really in the shits with it and started to believe Roxy’s whole personality was somehow fake and his own construction, because he convinced himself Roxy would never choose to do the things she did, but Roxy was able to snap him out of it and make him understand and respect it was her own choices that led down his path, not the idea that John’s choices are somehow overriding everyones

But man, John sure is riding that Breath train way too hard, and he keeps snapping back into it as well

Further and Further

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

[semi-imaginary-place]

the weight of time, the other side, enemy 6. webtoons up to the other side 10

alright back to kubera, timey wimey shenanigans and maruna growing a conscious.

so kuberas one of those series where spoilers dont change the experience so i knew yaksha was going to show up but ah im so excited yaksha and og airavata??? thank you currygom. oh yeah and we got more on brilith's soul's past i guess.

huh so the ancient human cycle of reincarnation is breaking down. ptsd is being inherited across lives. humans were suppose to regain memories of their past lives when their minds and bodies were fully matured but violent deaths are leading to them regaining their memories before their minds are ready to deal with the trauma and as a result instead trraging each life seperately like we saw with the humans maruna interacted with, the humans ran meets there is no seperation between one life and the next its bluring together and thr grudges are growing as people life out the past. I love it!

...thats ananta. damn currygom is going HARD this arc, all the big names are here. also i just love ananta, yaksha, and og airavata having a breakfast club. ananta is half way to having the dead anime mom hair but joking aside the two foofy braids are super cute. currygom.... why you keep killing off all the nice ones... oh no yaksha has bad regeneration doesnt he... ok i just spent a week with a literal toddler and yeah gandharva

ok i cant tell how much of this heart talk is metaphorical and how much is literal ie yaksha physical heart is effecting ran emotionally. now that i think about it why is hanuman in their female form in the current timeline. wait maruna couldnt interact with another alive in the current time but ran can? i love yaksha why are all my favorite characters doomed. LET ME PROTECT THE CUTE OLD MAN. he's even white haired, has a tail, and is fluffy! fluffy! ran is watee attribute like yaksha too. wait i just remembered samphati told maruna that ideally a natiska parent would mentor a 5th stage rakshasa since 5th stage vigor and what not works more like a natuska and isnt that what yaksha is doing for ran. oh so this is what they meant by suras natures are to destroy. natiskas take of their attribues and astika create

ah so ran's half phobia isn't just trauma from the cataclysm but being afraid of himself. yeah where'd the wind transcendendal come from, ran is water water water

oh wow that experiment was more important than i thought. everyone is there

ooh naver commenter pointed out how sura sometimes scheme names their kids and raltara's parents name might be taraka the natiska name kali took to make yuta

this cute old man is bad for my heart. also ananta is precious. maruna continues to underestimate people but i will say him mistaking to most powerful being to have ever exisged in the universe for a 4th stage rakshasa ia pretty funny.

yaksha is basically a catboy. that explains a lot actually.

im enjoying the characterization of sagara. to sagara power is everything. ananta just wants everyone to be happy, he's uncomfortable with exterminating the ancient humans but he'll do it for sagara. this isnt true to himself or what he wants but he'll be what those around him want him to be. oh wow so the name/role of ananta was designed to take on a portion of every sin ever in the universe. also callback to brilith's conversations on whether its better to have gods that are too weak to do anything or have the power but choose not to help. oh shit and by brahma asking his consent in the destruction of the ancient humans (and ensuring it via sagara) she ensured the sins of killing them would fall on to him.

oh and somethings up with tilda but we dont know what yet. shes going to be important

where is marunas coat? mmmm head hurts... so gods forget things so that they arent weighted down by desires and reach the top/enlightenment. but once they reach the top the dont have to keep forgetting? about doomed willarav(??) all the deaths are turning point in which the characters didin't choose compassion. this is also the outcome that kali averted. ok im with maruna ran is giving me bad vibes. oooooo the maruna ran raltara gandharva situation! the tension! the drama! i was so caught up if the eye of punishment was going to be used by maruna or shess that a couple years ago i didnt even consider the possibility of a new character.

we also see the payoffs of the weight of time and the other side as well ran and maruna have come to see things from the other side (sura and humans). as others have pointed out maruna has spent several millennia among humans and discarded the sura cultural mentalities taught to him (obey superiors, no compassion etc which we see directly in his confrontation with samphati but everywhere after this time adventure) and taken a mentality closer to that of the first ancient humans. if humans using silent magic is said to lessen their humanity and make them more like sura ruthless calculating and cold, the maruna has become more human. the opposite is true of ran having spent many years living as a rakshasa and living far beyond a human lifespn. literally he has become more in tune with his sura side coming to terms with his grand parent being hanuman, yaksha's heart within him, and his power which killed his mother and he attacked the two next most important people to him lutz and rana. silent magic was said to need a desire for power, a lack of compassion for ones enemies, and a willingness to give up everything for one's goals. and mentally his mindset has been shifting from that of a humans to the one we usually see in sura. remember when he was introduced ran was the nicest character in the cast after leez.

so god kubera put the konchez party in a transcendental to stop their minds from merging with the maruna and ran of the current chapter. but thats what made them too late to stop taraka dying and 4th stage yuta. unless they wouldn't have made it aahhhhhhhh my head hurts i infinite possibilities gah! time travel! anyways but im still not sure what god kubera wants to begin with. wait no the mental transcendental preserved the minds of their former selves. the merge did happen that's how the clothes got "restored". oh yeah i forgot former kubera drew the sword of re before giving it to leez.

one of the currygom afterwords or something mentioned it but there's many more characters recently that do not neatly fit into the established boxes. perhaps its because at the beginning and and ending of the universe reality is looser. we have confirmation that yaksha clan bunny girl petupan that ran met has a chaos attribute but other sura we have met has chaos-ish aspects to them like other bunnygirl sona who maybe could be petupan's daughter? curiosly hanuman has a weird left arm when ran met him but doesnt in the modern day. then there's taraka that maintained their minds and forms like samphati and makara. then we have ran whos a human rakshasa (hanuman wondering if they forgot about a child with yaksha is still funny)

3-195 the other side 13 is the last we see maruna with his red fluffy coat in a flashback with raltara. it isnt seen until maruna goes to the abandoned timeline or n23

its probably intentional on currygoms part that yaksha's source attribute is water and that the inheritor of his heart ran was born with 3 water attributes. the interesting part is when ran starts using wind transcendentals and hanuman's source attribute is wind. so its almost as if he were a rakshasa with light as a clan attribute and water and wind as heteditary attributes. what im not sure of is in the fight with maruna ran seems to use some sort of lightning based attack and i cant quite remember so he either mixed partial surification with divine magic, has a sky attribute???? or there's sky transcendentals that dont require an attribute?

the abyss is the water channel of th sura realm?? omg and maruna cant remember the thing in the abyss that was chasing them because its existence has been replaced with yuta.